#my problems are nowhere near as stressful as when I was like 9-17

[menlove]

being an adult w chronic depression is so deeply unserious

[countthereds]

reasons I smoke:

1) stress relief

2) I look cool, i like the way the smoke curls up and the way I look with a cigarette in hand

3) it's gender affirming, i smell like a man and I have a deeper voice

4) tobacco taste nice, shisha is preferable to cigarettes flavour wise but I still like tobacco (i should try that one coffee that promises to have hints of tobacco in it)

5) it's something I can do because I have decided to do. Nothing my parents envision for their "pretty little girl". It works entirely against that shitty image they have of me as a sanctimonious woman who has a stick up her arse. I'm not _flat_ like that. and while I can play that stereotype well, i'm so sick of always having to hide myself from my family.

even if I _do_ try to communicate, it doesn't work. they don't want to see me anything else, so I only have to prove it to myself. and mentally "proving" it to myself is not enough, verbally is nowhere near enough, I Need to be out doing things that break the stupid puritanical image they cast on me.

6) I'm comfortable doing it. Both mum and dad were chainsmokers. I know the different brands, i know what the average price of a pack is having to look anything up. I know what kinds I am likely to like.

7) it's socially inoffensive. Nobody looks twice at someone smoking

8) it's cheaper than other things

9) the fallout of it is not horrible. my parents find out I smoke, they get pissed, so what? even if a cousin does, who _cares?_ It's not sth to get disowned over or get religious sermons over

10) I can store it easily in my room. in my bag, i can get it from any grocery store, nbd. Life is easy

11) I smell Nice, i didn't think i would enjoy the smell tobacco leaves on my body but i do

12) i made my boyfriend cum just with my voice today, which was deeper and hoarser than usual bc i smoked last night

13) It doesn't make me silly like alcohol. I am a happy drunk, and while that is nice, I don't like how i end up more trusting

14) alcohol fucks with my meds. I can only have a tiny bit.

15) it fits the moody aura, it affirms an image in my head. I look more like myself with it.

16) cigs are cheaper than shisha, and they're easier to carry around, cheaper than vape, and look cooler lmao.

17) the withdrawals are not as bad as other stubstances

18) I can't keep popping anti-anxiety pill every time I need to calm the fuck down, nor can I go rub one out, and sometimes even physically managing anxiety and stress doesn't work

19) I can just step out to smoke a bit and not come back absolutely silly and hugging everyone. it fits

20) the sting of smoke balances out the relief of nicotine

21) it tempers my apetite. I always get more hungry when stressed. I need to get rid of that and I can't just go bust a move whenever I want to relax

reasons i should quit after this pack:

1) I'm healing from surgery, and it would suck to ruin all my progress for smokes

2) I'm training for a marathon for fuck's sake

3) I never told Lee

4) I promised to be healthy

5) i don't think using cigs as a bit of self control/self harm move is the best mentality to start Any habit with

6) it will definitely affect my medications and my hormones and the health of my teeth

7) it's expensive in the long run

8) I can't smoke at work

9) i want to be able to handle my anxiety without substances, because i want to be able to have that much control over myself

10) I want to live a long life with my darling

11) I don't want to ruin my lungs

12) I want to be better to the environment than that

13) I want to not be part of the problem

14) I don't want to be a hypocrite. I'm doing this to lash out against the current situation, but I most definitely do Not want to be a smoker forever

15) smokers actually stink, tobacco might smell nice, the rest of that crap getting metabolised through their bodies is Not

16) my farts stink sth fierce rn

17) it can make me more likely to get sick in winter

18) my tits hurts whenever I smoke, i did Not pay a ton of money for my to fuck it up for a short term thrill

19) I'm Better than that, I'm better than relying on a cig for relief, I just need to find a way to do that. I'm sick of suffering through anxiety, i want a way to make it go away

20) I want to be able to donate blood (this stops me from getting tattoos, too)

21) I want to be healthy, that mystical wonder of "healthy" where I can run around freely no problem and where I can swim laps at 80 years od age and not be worn into pieces

22) I want to be a role model to the kids, someone to look up to. I don't think I could look them in the face and lie about having never smoked a single cigarette in my life anymore.

23) nicotine IS mood altering, just bc it doesn't make me silly doesn't mean it doesn't change me. I do Not want to be more irritable

24) I CAN take ashwagandha, which is cheaper and better for me, AND longer lasting and has a better effect, even on my depression and doesn't fuck with my blood pressure

[morganapengdragon]

An English guide to fanfic 1

So I've read a lot of fic set in England lately, by writers who don't have anyone to 'brit pick' what they've written. But everyone deserves to be able to write stuff set in this hellhole of a country so if you don't have/want a brit picker but still want some general advice I'm gonna make a series of posts which might help with making your fic sound a little more natural. I'm gonna start with education because that's the one I've seen people have most problems with.

This is a long post so be warned

Education

There are 3 main parts of the school system (for comprehensive schools in England, I know it's different for rich people and people in Scotland/Ireland/Wales).

Primary school:

Primary school spans ages 4-11 and the years are

Reception: ages 4-5

Year 1: ages 5-6

Year 2: ages 6-7 (some schools make a split after this point, with the younger years referred to as 'infant' school and the older years referred to as 'junior' school)

Year 3: 7-8

Year 4: 8-9

Year 5: 9-10

Year 6: 10-11

A couple of information tidbits:

A lot of schools teach sex education in year 5 and 6. They tell you what sex is and what periods are. The year is split into boys and girls. They don't really talk about gay people, trans people or contraception.

It's not very common now but some schools will do a SATS exam in year 6. The grades go from 1-5 with 5 being the highest. They mean nothing but we all used to get stressed about them anyway.

Kids can also choose to do an 11+ exam if they want to go to grammar school. I never did it so I can't help you there. Some places in the country put more emphasis on the importance of grammar school than others (looking @@@ Kent) and some places don't have any grammar school at all.

Hard hitting insults when I was a kid were things like 'nerd' and 'weird'. We don't really use 'geek' much. 'Damn' and 'hell' aren't swear words here and kids will sometimes say them.

Most primary schools have uniforms

Secondary school:

Secondary school ages are 11-16 and the years are

Year 7: 11-12

Year 8: 12-13

Year 9: 13-14

Year 10: 14-15

Year 11: 15-16

There are 4 MAIN types of secondary school (afaik)

Comprehensive schools (like the one I went to) are your standard school. You just kind of have to live close to it to get in.

Grammar schools work kind of like comps but you have to pass the 11+ exam. Not everyone takes this exam (I never did, my closest grammar school is fuck off miles away). Apparently you get a better education there or something. Idk man but they like to make fun of the local comprehensives.

Private/public school. You have to pay to go to these types of school. I don't really know the ACTUAL difference between private and public but from what I can tell, public is more expensive and fancier. I think their version of primary school is called prep school?? All of the years work differently and every time a public school kid tries to tell me something about their education its gets more confusing. Rich people.

Boarding school. This is basically a private school but you live there and it costs more money than all of my possessions put together. There are quite a few, with some of the most famous being Eton, Harrow, Winchester etc. They are usually either all boys or all girls schools (those three are all boys schools). Rich people.

More detailed infos:

Year 7-9 is referred to as 'lower school' with 10 and 11 being 'upper school'

The exams taken in year 11 are usually GCSEs. These used to be called O-levels for some reason and lots of older people will sometimes call them that by mistake.

Kids choose which GCSEs they want to do at the end of year 9, and start learning the material in year 10.

Maths, science and English are all compulsory and make up 5/6 GCSEs (one maths, two English, two or three science).

Most people do about 10 and can pick from all of the other subjects what they want to do.

We don't really have a 'locker room' culture????

It's quite common for people to go to all girls or all boys schools.

Schools here are nowhere near as big as American schools. We probably won't have high budget theaters or particularly large sports areas.

I've never heard anyone talk about 'funding'???? Just assume nothing is funded, arts and sports alike. We do lots of fundraisers for anything expensive like rugby tours or school productions.

We still have that weird culture thing where like if you're smart then you can't be popular or play sports???? Strange.

Sitting at a specific table at lunch time isn't really a thing. Actually most people brought lunch from home and then would just sit somewhere outside. A lot of the buildings would be closed during breaks.

Not many people really drive to school.

Sixth form/college

After you finish secondary school most people go into either college or sixth form (or a sixth form college). Years are

Age 16-17: sometimes called year 12, sometimes called lower sixth, sometimes called first year

Age 17-18: year 13, upper sixth, second year

Sixth form:

Some schools have an attached sixth form. A variation of the school uniform is often worn, or students will be asked to wear smart clothing or something

There are also sixth form colleges which are a bit more informal, less of a school environment. Students usually tend to wear their own clothes and call teachers by their first names. They're usually viewed as well.

The qualifications earned at the end of year 12 are called AS levels. They count partially towards your final A level grade. Students usually do 4 and drop one at the end of the year. You can do more if you want tho (I did five and died). You can do whatever subjects you want. Like. Literally nothing is compulsory. You wanna do art, music, dance and anthropology? Fuck it why not?

The highest AS grade is an A. B and C is a pass. D and E are fail marks. U stands for ungradable i.e you got so few marks that your exam isn't even worth a grade.

At the end of year 13 you do A levels. You need 3 to get into uni. Some people do 4. They always regret it.

Grades for A levels are the same as AS but they go up to an A*.

Some schools do a thing called the International baccalaureate. I don't understand what it is and frankly it scares me. I don't know how it's graded or what you need for uni. It's a mystery.

Sixth forms can be comp/grammar/Private/boarding same as secondary school.

College:

You can do a bunch of different types of qualifications. Most popular are usually B-Techs and Diplomas.

You usually only study one subject as opposed to four.

From what I gather, the point in doing a B tech is it's more practical and less theoretical and aims to help you get the skills necessary to go straight into the work force.

Unis kind of have to evaluate B-techs fairly, but they don't like them.

Nobody thinks very highly of B-Techs unfortunately bc they're considered to be less academic and easier. Idk if that's the case but there you go. People will sometimes refer to shit versions of other things as 'B-Tech'. For example, Pepsi is just B-Tech Coca Cola. Boris Johnson is a B-Tech Donald Trump.

I know nothing about the grading system for either of these qualifications im sorry.

In a sixth form college there will be people doing A levels and also people doing B techs all in the same building.

University:

I won't go too much into detail but basically you get a degree at the end of it and degrees usually take 3 years to complete. Years are first year, second year, third year etc.

Some courses are longer and some people will do a year in industry in their third year, making their overall degree time 4 years.

Tuition is currently £9,250 per year. I have never met anyone who hasn't gotten a loan for this.

Most people also apply for a maintenance loan. You get money proportional to your family income. The highest is about £8,500 per year. Idk what the lowest is. Some people choose not to take out this loan and their parents give them financial support instead.

The pay back plan for these loans is super lenient, doesn't affect your credit score and is wiped clean after 35 years. Most students think of their loan as more of a tax than a debt (tho we all still cry about it).

People don't live in dorms. We call them halls of residence (or halls for short).

Most people don't live in halls after first year, they leave and find shared housing.

Most halls aren't catered.

Most halls don't have shared rooms.

Because we study so few subjects at A level, we do have this system in the UK where you take a bunch of different unrelated subjects in your first year and then decide on your major later. Instead you apply for a programme already knowing your major. So when I applied to university I applied to the BA French and German Linguistic Studies course at a number of universities.

Different courses have different entry requirements. So it's easier to get into uni to study History than it is to study Maths.

Each 'class' is referred to as a module, and all of your modules are usually related to your main degree title.

Stereotypically STEM students think that humanities students are dumb. Humanities students think STEM students are arseholes who don't know how to read so if you wanna have that kinda jock/nerd type rivalry but in uni then humanities/STEM is quite a good one.

We call all of our lecturers by their first names. Sometimes we go to the pub with them. I watched a documentary about gay porn with one of them. It's chill.

I've never seen anyone show up to a lecture in pyjamas. People would think it's weird.

We refer to clubs as 'societies'. I love being part of the Musical Theatre Society. It's sounds so much more impressive than club.

The English version of Ivy League is Russel Group. The most prestigious Unis outside of Oxford and Cambridge tend to be: Durham, St Andrews (Scotland), Imperial, LSE and Warwick.

Slang and Groups

We don't really use the word 'jock'. In my school we called those guys the 'Rugby Lads' because they all played rugby.

We don't really use the word preppy/peppy whatever because I literally don't know anybody who is like that.

Try 'Drama kids' instead of Theater kids.

The kids who do drugs and don't come to school are called road men. Even the girls. To do road is to deal drugs but you don't really hear people say that much.

If we can't be bothered to say a teachers full title we will usually call them 'sir' or 'miss' but not really ma'am.

'Hall Pass' isn't a thing.

Our school did have prefects but fuck if I know who they were. They didn't really have any extra responsibility or power.

School uniforms are a thing in most schools. The things people did to make themselves seem cool were things like rolling their skirts up super short, wearing the rugby ties on match days, trying to get away with shoes that don't TECHNICALLY break the rules but are deffo not allowed, wearing as much make up as they could get away with, without teachers noticing. Our school was p strict on uniform tho in comparison with a lot of schools in my area.

If your accent doesn't fit the standard for your area it will affect you in some way (depending on your accent).

Homeroom is called registration

Gym is sometimes called the sports hall

People don't really go to school matches unless they're dating sb bc we don't have bleachers.

Home ecenomics was called Food Tech and Textiles in my school

Woodshop or whatever is called DT (design and technology)

People don't get as involved in extracurriculars in school (but they do at uni).

We DO have houses and we get points given to out houses like in Harry Potter but unlike Harry Potter literally nobody gives a fuck. In my school they added a whole new house and moved everyone into new houses and literally nobody noticed and nothing changed.

There is a BIG difference between comp schools and all of the other kinds in terms of culture. I didn't know this until I went to uni and started joking about the time some kid started throwing chairs in RE (religious education) or when so and so tried to set our French teacher on fire and literally all of the grammar school kids were like O.O WTF.

Slang and school culture will also vary a lot depending on where you live. I live in East London which is not a very well off area but it IS in london so my experiences would match with that.

Everything is completely different in Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland so like.... Sorry.

[planningthemedlife]

Studyblr Asks (pt. 1, Q’s 1-20)

01/02/2019~

Thank you @stylizedstudying for creating these questions <3

How long have you had your studyblr?

Almost 7 months!

2. Why did you decide to make your studyblr?

To motivate myself in my studies, and to keep track of my progress throughout university :)

3. Do you have any other blogs besides your studyblr?

I do...but it’s a kpop fanpage (specifically for EXO’s Kai)...it’s currently inactive.

4. How did you venture into the studyblr community?

I remember going through a tough period in year 10 where I was just so unmotivated to do work, yet I still wanted to achieve well at school. The studyblr community was just beginning to get popular on youtube, and after going down that rabbit hole, I fell in love with the community and started following a lot of blogs on Tumblr. 

5. Did you have good study habits before making this blog?

A few? I would say most of my study habits were pretty bad (I was a master procrastinator- I once completed a chemistry assignment which we had 5 months to do, in 2 days :( I would say I got through high school mostly by fluke, and my natural intelligence. I am quite lucky in the sense that I am able to learn concepts very quickly, which is why I don’t see too many negative consequences whenever I procrastinate. 

A great habit I developed during my first year of university, was to write out my notes the day of the lecture. That ensured all the information was still fresh in my mind and so I could revise and summarise the content effectively. 

6. Have you made any friends through your studyblr?

Yes, I have made a couple, and I hope to make many more :)

7. What do you think about the studyblr community?

I aM sO pRoUd Of ThIs CoMmUnItY.

aha no for reals, I am so grateful that this community exists. It has motivated me so much throughout the years!

8. Do you do your homework as soon as you get home or late at night?

During high school, I would usually come home and rest for a few hours before getting into my homework. School in Australia ranges for 6 hours, but it took me an hour to travel back home, so by the time I got back, I was usually very exhausted. Now that I am in uni, I tend to get work done as soon as possible, whether that be during a free hour in between lectures, or whether it means I get stuff done as soon as I get home.

9. What is your favourite stationery?

Grey Mildliner- I don’t use mine for highlighting notes, but rather for outlining my subheadings/important questions. Grey is a very neutral, mild colour, so it works in a lot of different cases. 

10. What is your favourite piece of stationery you own?

My mildliners, even though they are quite expensive (+ shipping, because Australia is in the middle of nowhere apparently!)

11. What kinds of pens do you prefer?

Black gel pens, but they can be a bit expensive...I try to write out my notes in black ballpoint, and I write revision/summary notes with my gel pens. 

12.  Favourite book you’ve read for school?

Lord of the Flies by William Golding. 

13. Favorite studying apps?

Forest (i think now there is another similar app called Flora). I started using it during my final year of high school to prevent me from getting distracted by my phone. You can add friends and compare how productive you were compared to your friends- this was the main reason I used it so often, because I would see my friends study for hours and become motivated myself!

14. What advice about studying changed your life?

To try out active recall more. I would say my studying style already consisted of many active recall techniques, but once I learnt about the science behind it, and hence the benefits, I fully incorporated it into my study routine. 

15. What quote has impacted you the most?

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” -Albus Dumbledore

16. What do you do when you’re feeling unmotivated?

I TRY to force myself to get even 10 minutes of work done. The key word here, is TRY- most of the time I end up procrastinating, but once in a while, I am able to pull myself through and get shit done.

17. Have you ever felt not good enough?

Definitely. Imposter syndrome is a real thing, and I have often found myself feeling guilty about my marks. Compared to my friends, I am nowhere near as hardworking, but I have the ability to learn concepts and memorise facts so easily, and this often means I am able to score higher on exams as compared to them, with only half the effort. I often feel guilty about this, and I have always felt that I don’t deserve such marks, or that I am not really good enough. It’s taken time for me to just accept this fact- because if anything, I should be grateful for such gift, and I should make the most of it! 

18. What is your organization system for school?

Notes are typed out or written on loose leaf paper. These are stapled according to topics or “weeks” at uni. They are filed into a binder that stays on my desk, along with worksheets, practical notes and extra problems I may have done throughout the semester. 

As finals approach, I go over the entire binder, and make summarised notes on some paper (say I had about 100 sheets of lecture notes, prac notes and worksheets- I would condense this all into 10-20 sheets of paper for my summary). I would study from these for finals. 

19. How has having this blog changed you?

It has made me more conscious about the appearance of my notes. I would like to point out that a negative consequence of starting this studyblr, is that I have spent a lot more time trying to make my notes “pretty” or neat. I don’t think this is an essential feature of what makes you a good student, rather I feel as though in some cases, it can be kinda unproductive? Nevertheless, it is one way I like to relieve stress, and it helps me be a more active citizen of this community, so it doesn’t matter all too much for me...and I definitely revert back to my messy style of note taking if I am time-poor, or if finals are coming up soon :) 

20. Do any of your friends from school know you have a studyblr?

No, and I don’t think I’ll ever tell them. The main thing I love about this community is that while we are all close, none of you actually know me in real life. I’m quite a private person, and I share a lot of personal/deep stuff on my blog, and I feel at peace knowing that none of you can trace that back to me :) Keeping myself anonymous on this platform can ensure I be as open and honest with you all as possible, without having to be embarrassed or worried about the implications in my actual life. 

~Well, that’s it for Part. 1 of this Q&A~

 Again, thank you so much for @stylizedstudying for creating these questions. 

Keep a look out for Part 2, coming soon! <3

[lovemesomesurveys]

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When was the last time you realized something about yourself, your abilities, or your financial situation that left you feeling disappointed? Uhhh. Well, I’ve been disappointed in myself for quite some time. I don’t like the personal I’ve become these past couple years. I just feel like such a failure. I don’t like that I’ve completely surrendered to my health and just have really given up. I don’t take care of myself like I should. I self-sabotage. I sit and mope and throw pity parties and I don’t do anything to try and make things better. Some things are out of my control, but some things aren’t. Even the things that are, they could still be better managed. I have no idea at all what I want to do with my life. I just can’t seem to get it together. What scares me is that I just don’t have the energy or motivation to care and the longer this goes on, the worse things get. It has really had an effect on my health.

2. Generally, are you more likely to blame others or yourself for problems you experience? Oh, definitely myself. I’m very quick to blame myself for everything.

3. What is one thing about your life that you don’t ever see changing, even if you might wish it would? It’s hard for me to imagine a time when things won’t be how they are now. I can’t envision myself being at a point where I’m happy and doing something with my life and I have finally have it together.

4. At what point in your life have you been the most social or had the most friendships? And at which point have you been the least social? My early 20′s. I had a few friends and I actually used to have a social life and did things. Hard to believe now. Over the past couple years I’ve become a complete hermit crab. I haven’t hung out with friends in almost 2 years, which is wild. I had a friend I saw at least once a week, sometimes more back when we were in school. I had another friend I saw every couple weeks or so, too. Now to have gotten to the point where I haven’t seen them in almost 2 years... it’s crazy. It’s the same with my cousins that I used to be close with, too. I even became withdrawn and distant from them. I have no social life now. Outside of my immediate family that I live with, the only other people I see are doctors.

5. Do you prefer to have a few close friends or a bunch of random acquaintances? Which would describe what you have now? I liked having my few close friends. Now I don’t have any.

6. Do you journal? Generally, what do you write about? Do you find it helpful to get your thoughts out that way, or do you prefer another form of self-expression? I used to write in a journal all the time in middle school up until I was in the 10th grade. I had a Xanga I wrote journal entries in as well in high school. Now the closest thing I have to that are these surveys. These allow me to vent and ramble and sort through some of my feelings.

7. Do you like eating foods that other people have cooked for you, or do you prefer to have control over your meals? Well, I don’t cook apart from Top Ramen and things I can zap up in the microwave, sooo I have no problem with other people cooking for me. My parents and brother are great cooks. I also really enjoy takeout.

8. Have you ever been somewhere and REALLY didnt like a food that you were expected to eat? How did you deal with this? Are you someone who is likely to suck it up and be polite or refuse and save your taste buds? When I was a kid my grandparents made us grandkids eat our vegetables and we had to eat everything on our plate. I hate most vegetables, so it wasn’t a pleasant experience.

9. What is one way in which you compare yourself to others? In this comparison, do you regard yourself as better or worse off than the people to whom you usually do the comparing? I compare myself to others quite a bit. Like I see people my age and younger who seem to have their life together, at least more than I do. They have jobs and families of their own and they’re doing things they want to do. Not to say they don’t have their own struggles, but it just seems like they’re farther ahead in life than I am in many ways. I look at myself and I’m almost 30 with no direction, no aspirations, still living at home, never had a relationship (nowhere near a real one), never had a job...

10. What is something you’ve been particularly grateful for lately? That I have my family because without them... I really don’t know what I would do. I couldn’t keep going without them. I’d be a hell of a lot worse without them. These past couple years have been really hard and I’m just grateful that I have them by my side. They put up with so much. 11. What kind of change or opportunity would be the biggest help in your life right now? Well, I think seeking therapy would be a good start. If I did that and it was helping, then I could hopefully be an active participant in my life again at some point and start really working on things.

12. Is there one emotion that you experience more often than any other? Is there an emotion you rarely ever experience? I’d say I battle depression, but it’s not even a battle anymore because it won a long time ago, but yeah that. I feel irritated and frustrated quite often, too. 13. How mature would you say you are? What qualities do you think make a person mature? I’m not sure how to measure that, exactly.

14. When was the last time you believed there might be something seriously medically wrong with you? What was the ultimate diagnosis? Now? I’ve felt that way often throughout my life. I’d always think the worst and assume something was wrong. Sometimes there was, sometimes there wasn’t. I am currently dealing with health stuff and have throughout my life.

15. What is one illness you are afraid of having? Do you know anyone who has faced this illness? I am afraid of possibly getting cancer. I have had family members who have battled cancer, so it is in my family.

16. How do you tend to behave when you’re sick? What kinds of things do you like people to do for you, if anything, to help you feel better? I just sleep a lot and lie in bed...which is really what I do a lot of the time so I guess it’s not all that different. I sleep more; though, when I’m sick. I’m also moody and irritable, but that’s also not much different than how I always am. ha.

17. If you’re someone who rarely eats breakfast, is there a reason for this? If you do usually eat breakfast, are there any other meals you avoid or skip for any reason, and why so? I’ve never been much of a breakfast person. My body doesn’t like to eat early or when I first get up. I sleep in late, sometimes until like 4 in the evening, so by then it’s like late lunch and dinner time, ha. But even when I did used to get up early for school and such I’d maybe have a granola bar if anything. I like to just have my coffee and then after I’m finished I’m usually ready for something about an hour or so after, especially because like I said, I sleep in pretty late. I do like breakfast foods a lot, though.

18. When was the last time you did something you were proud of? Were other people proud of you as well? Does it matter to you whether or not other people care about your accomplishments, or is your own satisfaction enough? The last thing I did that I was actually proud of myself for was graduating with my BA. Towards the end of getting my degree, I was so burnt out, overwhelmed, stressed, and just to the point of being done with everything. I was also dealing with some health stuff back then, which made things difficult. There were many times I wanted to just give up. Despite all that, I kept going and pushed myself to finish school and get my degree. It’s been almost 4 years now since I’ve graduated, and I’ve done absolutely nothing. Ya’ll know the rest of the story (see question 1). I feel like it was such a waste now. I also hate to admit that I don’t even want to do anything in psychology, which is what I got my BA in. I am not cut out for that. I have no idea what I want to do. I think about all that money that went into getting that degree and for what? I actually wish I would have thought long and hard after I graduated from community college before continuing on to get my BA. Truthfully, I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to do with a psychology degree, but I was so interested in it and I kept thinking/hoping it would just come together and I’d figure it out. I kept thinking I had to get my BA and not going to school wasn’t an option for me. I just really, really wish I would have thought more about it and maybe even took time off after community college. I was just afraid that if I didn’t keep going and took that time off that I would never go back. I put that pressure on myself that I had to do it. All the good that did me, though...

19. What is your least favorite thing about the season you’re currently experiencing? Are you okay with most types of weather, or are you only happy under certain conditions? Well, it’s supposed to be fall but California is still experiencing summer it feels like and I hate it. Summer is just miserable to me. I’m like, wtf it’s fall can this warm weather please go away now?? We’re still getting mid 80s and that’s still too hot for me. We’re in November now, like seriously??

20. Have you made any changes to your style or “look” lately? How often do you change your appearance, hairstyle, fashion, etc? Or is it a pretty constant thing? No. I don’t have the energy or motivation for that. I really need to get my hair done, but sigh. I last got it done in August. :X I was really good about getting it done once a month and keeping it nice, but I suck at that now just like with everything else.

21. What are some things you do to feel pampered? Getting my hair done. It feels good after it’s done and my hair looks all nice and pretty. Sigh. I really need to make an appointment.

22. What was the last thing you felt hopeful about? Do you think there’s a good chance of whatever-it-is working out in your favor, or not so much? I really don’t know the last time I felt hopeful about anything.

23. In what ways are you prone to black and white thinking? In what ways do you see more in terms of color or gray? I mean, I’m generally pretty open minded and I know there’s more than one side to some things and it’s not always just one thing or another. I guess when it comes to my life and health, I see things more gray.

24. Are there types of people you will simply never understand (not necessarily ~empathize with) no matter how hard you might try? Are there people you seem to understand almost immediately? Oh, definitely. I don’t even really understand myself I feel like, so. You can’t possibly understand everyone. There are just certain opinions and beliefs that I just can’t understand.

25. When was the last time you tried something you’ve never tried before? How likely are you to break from your routine and try new things? A crispy chicken sandwich from Burger King, ha. That’s about as adventurous as I get, guys. I don’t try a lot of new things and my life is very routine.

26. Have you ever “recovered” from anything? What does “recovery” mean or look like to you? Uhh, well physically, yes. Like from surgeries and other stuff. I can’t think of another example of recovery, though.

27. What are some ways your childhood differed from those of others around you? Do you think this difference was harmful or advantageous in the long run? I mean, apart from being in a wheelchair, I feel like I had a pretty typical, “normal” childhood. I was still able to most things. I really enjoyed my childhood.

28. What is one thing you are really good at compared to most people? What about one thing you are really bad at compared to others? I don’t feel I’m really good at anything, honestly. I am your basic, average girl. I’m really bad a lot of things compared to others, even when it comes to just being a functional adult.

29. Do you think people are “all good” or “all bad”? What would make someone qualify as “bad” or “good” to you, or do you simply not think in those terms? Even the best of people have their bad traits. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. I’m tired now so I can’t dwell more on that right now.

30. When was the last time you did something out in nature? Do you notice a dip in your mood when you don’t get enough of the Great Outdoors? When I went to the beach this past summer. I’m not an outdoorsy person at all, but I do love the beach.

[hamilton-one-shots]

1, 9, 17, 31, 43, 62, 74, 110, 111, 113, 118, 124, 141, 142, 143, 157 Jamilams were john js secretly adopted by the laurens family and they knew his parents who had died when he was very young, he is also magical and stuff but he doesnt like to show it off and he had known for a while but he had to have special permission to tell anyone so he hadn't told thomas and alex but they find out and get upset about it.

(1: “Give me a chance.” 9: “I can’t believe you!” 17: “Are you upset with me?” 31: “I fucked up.” 43: “You’re special to me.” 62: “I want to protect you.” 74: “Of course I remembered!” 110: “You did what?!” 111: “You have… Superpowers?” 113: “Where did all these puppies come from?” 118: “Are you mad at me?” 124: “Take that back!” 141: “Did you hear that?” 142: “It’s just your imagination.” 143: “Just how stupid do you think I am?” 157: “I read your diary.”)

“Please, Henry. He has nobody else. We’re the only chance he has. Nobody else will know about his powers. Imagine how confused or scared he’ll be..” Eleanor looked down at the baby in her arms, watching as he reached up for her.

“I’m too busy to deal with a kid right now. He’ll be too much trouble.”

“I’ll take care of him. You don’t have to do anything, I promise. I’ll take care of him..”

Henry sighed. His wife was too stubborn. “Fine. As long as I don’t have to deal with him, fine.”

Eleanor smiled and went out into the hall, calling the social workers back in and making the adoption final.

As promised, it was her who raised John since he was a kid, having no trouble, even when his powers began to manifest.

A four year old John looked over at the teddy bears for sale and smiled, concentrating and making one float towards him. He giggled as it reached him and hugged it, trying to hide it from his mom as she came back to the cart.

“Johnny? What are you hiding there?”

He giggled and turned it invisible.

“Johnny, show mommy what you have or no ice cream after this.”

John pouted and showed her the teddy bear. “Sowwy…”

She took the bear and kissed his forehead. “You’re not in trouble. Your powers are special, but that doesn’t mean you can use them to get what you want, okay?”

“Okay..”

Eleanor sighed and gave him back the teddy bear. “Just this once, okay? I’ll buy it for you.”

John gasped and hugged him tightly. “Thank you, mama!”

She smiled. John really was a good kid when he wanted to be. But with those powers of his, he could be difficult.

“Come on, Johnny. You have to go to school. You can learn fun things and make friends.”

All twenty of five year old John’s clones crossed their arms, the real one hiding somewhere among them. “No school! I want to stay with mommy and my future sister.”

Eleanor sighed and rubbed her belly. These last few months hadn’t been easy and now, with John starting kindergarten, they would only get that much more difficult. “Please, baby? You’ll learn a lot of things and it’ll make you a better brother.”

“… Really?..”

She smiled. “Yeah. Everyone wants a smart big brother.”

The clones all joined back into one, who went forward and hugged his mom’s legs. “I’ll go to school..”

“Good boy.”

John never meant harm with his powers. He always used them for fun or to get himself out of trouble, but never to hurt another human being. He didn’t understand why nobody else had the same powers as him, but he accepted it as truth and promised his mom that he’d never show them off to strangers. He kept that promise for years and planned on continuing to keep that promise. He planned on keeping every promise he made to his mom when she passed.

“Mama?..” John called timidly as he walked into his mother’s hospital room. He was only eight, his three year old sister waiting with his father. He told him that his mother needed to see him, that maybe he could use his powers for something useful.

“I’m here, baby.. Thank you for coming to see me.” She smiled weakly.

John frowned and went up to her bed, his eyes tearing up. He’d never seen his mother so hurt…

“Don’t cry, Jacky.” She opened her arms and helped him up onto her bed.

“You’re hurt.. I’m going to help.” His hands glowed white as he got ready to heal her, but she took his hands, shaking her head.

“No, John. It’s my time. I’m going to go now.”

“But you can’t… Who’s going to take care of the babies?” That’s how she got so badly hurt, after all. Giving birth to John’s youngest siblings, triplets.

“You are. I’ve taught you everything you needed to know. They’re going to be good babies, just like you were. Everything’s going to be okay now, understand?”

“No..” John began crying, holding onto his mom as tears streamed down his face. “Please, mama… Let me heal you…”

“It’s too late for me, baby. It has been since you got here.. It’s not your fault, okay?”

John nodded, though he wished that she would at least let him try.

“I’m going to go now, okay?.. I’ll see you on the other side.” She kissed the top of his head. “I love you.”

“I love you too..” John choked out, sobbing as her heart slowed to a stop.

Doctors and nurses came into the room, one of them getting John away and taking him out to his dad.

Henry frowned and grabbed John’s shoulder harshly, pulling him close to talk to him where none of the staff could hear. “Those stupid powers and you couldn’t even save your mother? I knew it was a waste adopting you.”

“W-What?..”

“You don’t really think a freak like you came from normal people like us, did you?”

“But… I… Momma?..”

“Not your mom. Your parents were experimented on like the freaks that they were. Like the freak that you are.”

John whimpered as his grip on his shoulder tightened.

“You aren’t going to act like that anymore. You will act normal, unless you want to see your parents sooner.”

What choice did he have? John learned to suppress his powers around people, around everyone, even around his siblings. He didn’t use magic near them, he raised them on his own with hard work. His father didn’t do much for them, they reminded to much of his wife, as he harshly reminded John whenever he asked for help. It was exhausting and stressful and John couldn’t have done it if it hadn’t been for his hideaway.

An unfortunate consequence of his mother’s death was having to leave South Carolina and move to a new, bigger house in New York. It sucked, it always sucked being the new guy, but John did find one upside to it. His closet had a small door hidden away in the corner. It led to the area above the garage, but that’s not what he used it for. He made a space all his own, leaving the real world outside and the magic world inside. He escaped every time he needed a break, time stopping in the real world as he spent hours in his room. It kept him sane.

But he still wished he could tell. He wished he could tell the friends that he made when he moved to New York. He wished he could tell the friends he left back in South Carolina. He wished he could tell his siblings.

And, god, he wished he could tell his loves.

Alexander and Thomas. Maybe it was strange that he had two boyfriends, but it was perfect for him. Perfect for them. They had all met freshman year and were dating for three years since. John was in love with both of them and they were both in love with him as well as each other They were happy together. John just wished he could let them into his magical life.

Of course, three years with them felt magical enough. They even loved his siblings. Naturally, they started the day of their third anniversary, when Henry Sr was coincidentally away for a week, by playing a game of hide and seek with his siblings.

It… It started out normal. The problem was that children were far too curious and far too creative.

John was hiding under his bed when it happened. He was silent, but something still managed to find him, licking his face. “What the..?” He used his phone flashlight and saw the beagle that was in his face. “Where did you some from?..”

But it wasn’t just him. He heard other voices in the house reacting to the same thing.

“Woah, where did all these puppies come from?!”

“There’s so many of them!”

“They’re so cute!”

John moved out from his hiding space, the puppy at his feet, and watched as at least ten puppies attracted his siblings and boyfriends. And the kicker? James was in his closet and Henry Jr was nowhere to be found. “James. Come here.”

James shyly stepped towards him. “I read your diary and opened your little door.”

“Diary?..”

James nodded and gave him his spellbook. “I couldn’t understand your secret code. Are you upset with me?”

John shook his head and flipped through the pages, James unconvinced because of the look on his older brother’s face.

“Are you mad at me, then?”

“No, it’s fine. How much did you read?”

James took the book and showed him which spells he read. Magic realm available to normals and summoning puppies. The two first two things that caught the attention of a couple of ten year old boys.

“And Henry is in that door?..”

“Yeah.”

John went in and brought him out. Of course, there was another batch of puppies around him. “Alright guys, fun’s over. Say goodbye to the puppies. You know dad wouldn’t like this.”

They all pouted, but knew John was right, Alexander and Thomas just looking at him dumbfounded.

“What are you going to do with all of them, hon?” Thomas asked.

“Just trust me. Nothing bad.” He pushed everyone out of his room and made sure three times that all of the puppies were in his room before making them disappear. Once they were gone, he opened his door again and let his siblings back in, erasing their memory of what had happened before bringing his boyfriends in.

“Jack, we need an explanation.”

John tried his best to ignore them and cast the spell. It hurt, but it was necessary.

The rest of the day went smoothly, but the guilt ate at John the entire time.

The next day, they hung out again, staying at Thomas’s house since his parents were gone. Neither of them looked happy when John arrived.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just how stupid do you think we are?” Alexander snapped.

John frowned and took a step back, shocked. “What?”

“You heard me! You have to think we’re idiots to think your little hypnosis trick worked on us. We’re not kids!”

John furrowed his eyebrows, his expression shifting from confusion to shock seconds later. “You remember?..”

“Of course we remember.” Thomas frowned. “Why wouldn’t we?”

“You’re not supposed to..” John looked down at his hands, then back up at them.

“Why not? What’s going on, babe?”

John shook his head. This couldn’t be happening. His hands glowed white and he wiped their memories again. Or, at least, he attempted to. Both of them seemed to be disoriented, but their memories were definitely intact.

“Why do your hands glow like that?!” Thomas asked. “It happened yesterday, too. We forgot it for a bit, but we both remembered it this morning.”

“It’s just your imagination.”

“Bullshit.” Alexander grabbed John’s wrist and showed him his glowing hands. “This is our imaginations?”

John took a deep breath. Okay. This was no time to panic. This was just time… for the truth. “Okay… The truth is… I’m magic.”

Thomas furrowed his eyebrows. “You have… Superpowers?..”

“No, not super. Magic. Those puppies that appeared yesterday? Magic. That memory lapse you guys had? Magic.”

“Oh,” Alexander began sarcastically, “did you hear that, Thomas? All that craziness can be explained with magic. We’re dating freaking Harry Potter.”

“Alex-”

“I can’t believe you! Of all the lies you could’ve chosen, magic is where you go to?!”

John frowned. “It’s not a lie. I know magic, real magic. I can show you, just give me a chance..”

Alexander opened his mouth to yell, stopping as he felt Thomas’s hand weighing down on his shoulder. He groaned and rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

John smiled weakly and his hands glowed for a second, a rabbit manifesting in the white glow. “Tacky, I know. Bunny trick..”

Thomas hesitantly stepped forward and pet the rabbit, shocked to feel its warmth, almost as if he hadn’t been expecting it to be alive. “Wow…”

Alexander joined him, petting the rabbit between the ears. “I fucked up… I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that…”

“No, it’s my fault. You guys are special to me… I wanted to protect you..”

“From what?” Thomas asked, leading John to sit with him and Alexander on the couch.

“Magic is tempting, especially for those who grow up without it. I didn’t want to see you guys corrupted by the power it could bring or ruin our relationship by not doing anything for you guys.” John sat with his Alexander on his left, hand on his leg, and Thomas on his right, arm around his shoulders.

“I promise we won’t ask for a thing, sugar. You’re still our Johnny, the exact same as before.” Thomas pressed a sweet kiss to John’s forehead.

Alexander nodded. “So… Can I ask what you did to us yesterday?..”

John smiled a bit. Nobody ever liked this detail. “I, uh… I tried to erase your memories…”

“You did what?!” Alexander gasped, clutching his head.  

“Just the part with the puppies! I didn’t erase anything important.”

“Easy, kitten. You know Johnny wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

Alexander glared lightly at Thomas. “You know I hate that nickname…”

Thomas shrugged. “I don’t know why. You’re feisty like a little kitten. And you’re adorable like one, too.”

“Take that back!” Alexander pouted, proving his point.

“Just sit down, kitten. Come on. Johnny needs both of his boys right now, don’t you?”

John nodded and held his arms open for Alexander. “Come here.”

Alexander tutted, but sat down, leaning against John.

“You guys have to swear that you’ll never tell anyone about this. I’m not even supposed to tell you. But, for some reason, I can’t erase your minds.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“Me neither. It was just weird to learn about.”

“Good. I love you guys so much.” He kissed both of their cheeks as they returned the sentiment. As they laid there, John had a thought. Maybe he couldn’t erase their memories simply because he didn’t want to. Deep down, he didn’t want them to forget. He needed to tell someone and they were perfect. Or, maybe, someone was keeping him from erasing their memories. Someone who loved him and who knew that he needed to tell someone else, like them. Whatever the reason was, John didn’t care. He was happy. His boys were happy, even knowing what he was. That was all that mattered.

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[tokyoteddywolf]

Even More Russian Antics

ahahahahaha i can’t stop making these :D

updates, how to get kicked out of russia, and i like how they turned out. So have a laugh! (No skaters were harmed in the making of these little pranks. Possibly. Well, what else do you expect from Yurio???)

Enjoy 41-80!

333 Ways To Get Kicked Out Of The Rink And Russia Itself

1. Switch the drinks at the banquet with random condiment liquids.

   Yuuri was more than confused when he went to drink some of the fruit punch and found it was just watery filtered ketchup with lemons thrown in. Yurio was nowhere to be seen.

2. Hit people with pirozhki's.

This backfired on Yurio when Viktor's hair became a victim. He went MIA after said older Russian skater finally caught him….

3. Walk up to some old geezer and yell, “Grandpa! You're alive! It's a miracle!”

Viktor wouldn't stop sulking under the benches in the locker rooms when Yuuri tried this….

4. Dart around suspiciously humming the Mission: Impossible theme song.

Everyone was highly concerned for Phichit's mental state.

5. Buy several dozen fishing rods. Go on the roof and test them out, saying you're fishing for toupees.

Mila caught 35, Yurio got 31, and Georgi won with a staggering 108.

6. Hold Barbie hostage.

Yurio didn't really mind, Otabek was his friend after all. Besides, he quite liked the horrified looks of his fans when the Kazakhstan skater grabbed him as he sped by on his motorcycle.

7. TP as much of the rink as you can.

Nobody suspected innocent Yuuri to be good with his throwing arm, but almost every inch of the rink was covered in toilet paper. Viktor was automatically blamed.

8. Hide in the skate racks. Whenever someone comes to grab a pair, yell “Pick me! Pick me!”

Yuuko was incredibly unimpressed when the triplets pulled this prank on their father. However, hearing Takeshi scream like a child was worth it, and they all got ice cream that night.

9. Dress as Batman and burst into the rink screaming, “Come Robin! To the Batmobile!”

Guang-Hong was just extremely confused at Leo's antics, wondering if all Americans were this weird.

10. Challenge people to duels with wrapping paper.

It was the best birthday yet, in Viktor's opinion.

11. Buy several singing toy Viktor's from Amazon, and once you have them, set them up on the ice and get your friends to turn them on. Proceed to act like a conductor.

Yuuri was actually really good at anything music related. The impromptu concert certainly amused the others.

12. Go up to random people and poke them. If they ask what you're doing, inform them that you're trying to find out what they ate for breakfast.

Georgi got kicked across the room when he tried this on Yurio.

13. Leave cryptic messages all over Instagram as an anon.

Nobody knew Phichit could even scream that loud.

14. Skate around screaming “There's a dead body in here!”

Yakov was unamused at Mila's actions.

15. Go up to the Russian Fairy and say, “Yurio, I am your father.”

It wasn't even remotely funny for Viktor. It just opened up more wounds.

16. Make evil eyes at people and whisper “I am the Lady Of The Well…..i've been waiting...”

Minako's Halloween party was the bomb.

17. Ride around in a Barbie car and pretend to be a posh upperclassman, sipping vodka from a teacup and saying things like “Top hole!” and “By Jove!”

Yuuri should have never let Minako watch Doctor Who.

18. Start dancing like mad. Wave your arms and flop like a fish.

Everyone assumed Yuuri was drunk again. The ensuing dance battle was certainly better than last year.

19. Balance everything you see on the tip of your nose, fingers, on your forehead, and top of your head all while singing the circus song.

Otabek won with 4 water bottles, Yuuri's duffle bag, 5 pairs of ice skates, and Yurio, all while skating circles around Phichit, who was filming the entire thing.

20. Start singing songs through the PA system at the ice arena.

The entire skating crew all joined in on a perfect rendition of Stammi Vicino. The announcers were extremely entertained.

21. Blackmail your friend into giving you a piggy back and have them run around the town, screaming “The Russians are coming! The Russians are coming!”

The next GFP was certainly better prepared after Yuuri and Phichit gave the warning. Though Phichit on Yuuri's back was certainly a weird mode of transport….

22. Take a fishing pole, a bag of money, and go people fishing.

Georgi was still bored, and eventually caught Yurio.

23. Pretend to be Spiderman by running up walls and saving people.

Guang-Hong really had to get Leo to stop watching those superhero movies of his, this was getting ridiculous.

24. Pretend to have an asthma attack, and bite anyone who tries to help you.

Emil went to the doctor after Yurio pulled this stunt in Barcelona… that's what he got for trying to be a nice friend…..

25. Lie on the ground. Just lie there. It's guaranteed to freak people out.

Revenge for the Grampa joke. Yuuri was panicking like crazy when Viktor pulled this stunt after a failed jump.

26. Announce an ice sliding contest. Take off your skates and proceed to do just that.

The game had to stop after Georgi slid too far into the rink wall.

27. Put on a black ski mask and cape and run around declaring “Zorro has returned!”

Nobody was sure where Sara went during the hours when a masked vigilante ran rampant through Russia.

28. Protest against cat abuse.

Nobody knew what the fuck just happened after Yurio ran down the streets, completely drunk and screaming “Run my feline friends! Run!” at the head of a cat stampede.

29. Start a barbershop quartet.

Yuuri, Viktor, Chris and Phichit soon become number one on the charts with their hit song, When Drunk People Dance On Poles.

30. Dress in a trenchcoat and sunglasses, go up to random people, hand them marshmallow guns, and say, “You know what to do.”

Thus started Russia's Marshmallow War 1, thanks to Phichit stealing Viktor's clothes.

31. Go up to random people carrying a paper bag and say “Trick or treat!” When they refuse, give them puppy dog eyes.

Guang-Hong's legendary puppy eyes were something to fear.

32. Cover your hand with blue paint. Run up to someone, put your hand on their face and yell “A clue! A clue!”

Yurio's knife shoes were the talk of the town after JJ tried this on the Russian Fairy and subsequently had to go to the hospital for minor lacerations.

33. Scream really loudly and when someone asks you to be quiet, scream, “I WON'T BE SILENCED!”

Apparently, Yuuri was trying out a new anxiety coping method.

34. Grow out your hair.

Needless to say, Yuuri and Viktor disappeared for a little while once Viktor noticed how long Yuuri's hair had gotten… Yurio was disgusted.

35. Grab a can of whipped cream, find a bald guy, and spray it on him.

Yakov blasted Mila's eardrums for that one.

36. Start singing horrible karaoke.

Nobody's ears were ever the same after Mickey took the mic.

37. Loudly announce that you will be the one to win gold this year.

Yuuri actually didn't care, he just wanted to see the chaos.

38. Go magical creature hunting.

Yurio was unamused at Otabek and Phichit.

39. Run up to someone, slap them, and scream, “WHAT IS THIS?!? I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!!!”

Viktor stared after Yuuri in horror, holding his damaged cheek. He was just talking to Chris!

40. Fall over and scream “Ah! The pain! The terrible pain!” When someone asks what's wrong, stand up and say “Nothing, why?” and walk away as if nothing had happened.

Chris just liked making people's days a little more surreal.

41. Dress up as an emo person, and whenever someone talks to you, scream, “WHY HAVE YOU COME TO WORSEN MY MISERY?!?”

“Mila, is Georgi always like this?”

“You'll get used to it, Yuuri.”

42. Host your own radio show.

Phichit and Otabek made a great commentary team.

43. Hide a walkie-talkie somewhere and whisper, “I know where you live.”

Yuuri's scream was worth it, in Yurio's opinion.

44. Run around Russia in a swimsuit singing “Surfin' USA”

Note to self, NEVER LET LEO NEAR THE VODKA. Phichit recorded the whole thing, and Leo became a meme.

45. Look for Narnia.

Viktor thought this was hilarious when he managed to pull a dazed Yuuri out of his wardrobe.

46. Release pigs into the rink labeled 1, 2 and 4.

They lost it when Yurio calmly taped a piece of paper labeled “3” on Yuuri's back.

47. Go on a road trip.

You've seen the official art, why are you asking me?

48. Learn to play the banjo.

Once again, Yuuri dazzled the Russian Crew with his music skills, and the ensuing hoedown inspired a new routine or two.

49. Go mattress surfing.

It was Phichit's idea, and it made Detroit a lot more fun than before, in Yuuri's opinion.

50. Hold a snowball fight.

Yurio was terrifyingly good at this.

51. Sing everything you say, and when questioned, inform them that you're in a musical.

Even Yakov joined in, and Musical On Ice was a huge success.

52. Play Human Dominoes

Otabek's day just got that much better.

53. Crash a party.

Episode 10, anyone?

54. Create a giant conga line.

Jesus, how many fans did JJ have???

55. Have a rap battle.

Nobody knew Otabek could rap that fast, but he did. Very well. He was, however, beaten out by Yuuri.

56. Get a pinata and bust it open.

Yurio had taped JJ's picture on it. It was a great stress reliever.

57. Dress someone up as a chicken.

Minami had no idea what was going on, but he went along with it.

58. Play frisbee on the ice.

It wasn't a problem until they nailed Yakov in the face.

59. Write angsty and gory fanfiction.

Nobody was the same after finding Yuuri's account.

60. Stage a riot.

“WHAT?! YURATCHKA DIDN'T WIN OVER JJ???”

“THOSE BASTARDS!'

“GET THEM!”

61. When someone asks for your help, begin to cry and say, “Why won't you people leave me alone?!”

Everyone was alarmed when Celestino burst into tears every time someone asked him for help on jumps.

62. If a skater with more than one gold medal comes within 30 feet of you, scream “GET AWAY FROM ME!!!” and run out of the area.

Viktor started sobbing when everyone careened away from him, even his beloved Yuuri. JJ was just confused.

63. Glare menacingly and hiss like a pissed off cat whenever someone comes near you.

Yurio had half the town terrified, with the glares, hissing, and raising of a leg with a freshly sharpened knife shoe attached.

64. Cover your face with cream cheese and thunder down the streets of Saint Petersburg chanting “We love bagels! We love bagels!”

Another reason why Yakov needed headache medicine after he forgot the breakfast bagels one time.

65. Run around singing, “I KNOW A SONG THAT GETS ON EVERYBODY'S NERVES!”

Yuuri hid in the lockers, only for the rest of the skater crew to bust down the door, still singing.

66. Dress up like a fairy, climb up a ladder and say to every person that passes by, “Your wish is granted!”

Drunk Yurio is best Yurio, until he started crying when he realized he was afraid of heights.

67. Ride in a Barbie sports car with Barbie in the backseat and say “Let's bust this joint!”

Yurio had to admit, that Viktor certainly had an interesting choice of vehicles to ride in.

68. Wrap a hose around you and scream, “AH! I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE!”

The scary thing was, Guang-Hong wasn't joking.

69. Walk up to someone and act like you can read their mind, then say, “Sir/Madam… don't do that.”

Yurio was stunned speechless when Otabek told him this just seconds after he had come to the decision of cutting JJ.

70. Hit your head and say, “Shut up in there!”

Everyone was extremely concerned for Yuuri.

71. Act as though you're being beaten and fall to the ground, screaming and having convulsions.

Georgi's performance got a 10/10 rating from the rest of the skaters.

72. Swing on the banners.

Apparently, dance battles were not enough for drunk Yuuri, and soon the “Congrats On The Gold!” banner was ripped on the floor while Yuuri sobbed over his aching bum, and for once it wasn't Viktor's fault.

73. Grab heavy, but not too heavy objects and see who can throw them the farthest.

The game had to be discontinued when Seung-Gil calmly picked up Yurio.

74. Knock over all the tables at the banquet and scream, “EARTHQUAKE! EVERYBODY RUN!!!”

Phichit was having too much fun in California, and scared the living hell out of Leo when he pulled this.

75. Hold a 12 pack of vodka over your head and shout “FEAR ME AND MY ARMY OF ALCOHOL!!!”

Viktor and the Russian gang actually conquered a bit more territory for Russia this way, by invading towns and getting the villagers drunk off their asses.

76. Get popcorn and throw it at people, sneaking up to them unstealthily and screaming war cries.

Russia War 2 commenced when JJ threw the first kernel at Yurio.

77. Try on all of Viktor's old costumes and go to the rink and proceed to do the worst, overly dramatic impression of him you can manage without falling over in laughter.

If Viktor hadn't been laughing so hard at Yuuri and Yurio, he probably would have been lightly offended and possibly crying, but no, it was too funny seeing them flip their hair and say dramatic things in Russian, with Phichit recording everything.

78. Stare at the ceiling. See how many people look up.

Yakov felt immensely proud when he pulled this on his skaters and it worked.

79. Dress up as a ninja and go around karate chopping people.

Mari was quicker than she looked, and the only hint of a warning anyone got before they were chopped was a flash of dirty blonde brown hair and the smell of cigarette smoke.

80. Climb up to a tall place and scream until someone comes. If they try to get you down, scream, “HELP! KIDNAPPER!”

It was funny until Yurio realized he was actually stuck.

[trunks-kiwi]

Uncommon OC Questions

Alright, @lady-grumpsalot told me I could do as many as I wanted and I’m super Extra so strap yourselves in (if you read this lol). I’m doing the OC from my post-apocalyptic original story, What Remains, Jinx, AND Nova, my Sole Survivor (because I’m so obsessed with her)

1. A little-known talent of your OC? Jinx: She’s surprisingly good at slide of hand and uses it to confuse James, her traveling companion. Nova: She can sing really well! Pre-war, she had wanted to make a career out of it, but her anxiety and the criticism from her family convinced her not to pursue it.

2. What trait does your OC like best about themself? They both love their eyes. Jinx has complete heterocromia (right dark brown, left bright blue). Nova has electric blue eyes and a slight discoloration in her left, related with her scars. 

3. How many pillows does your OC sleep with? Jinx: One or two, generally, she'll throw them away in the night anyway. Nova: Upwards of three, two under her head and one in her arms. She has to have something in her arms to sleep.

4. Is your OC good at keeping secrets? Jinx: No. Do not trust her with an embarrassing secret, ever. Nova: Yes. She's got her own collection of dark secrets to keep hidden, so she knows how it's done.

5. Your OC's worst habit? Jinx: Clicking her tongue, James hates it. Nova: She fidgets a lot, but her main habit is rolling a pen through her fingers, she keeps a pen in her pocket at all times.

6. Does your OC prefer tennis shoes/sneakers or flip flops? Jinx: None Flip flops Nova: Sneakers

7. What is your OC's opinion on body modifications? Jinx: Most body modification in the Barrens is done within gangs, so it's seen as a sign of danger, but she secretly finds a lot of the tattoos and piercings interesting and would readily get some herself. She could do without the more extreme examples, however. Nova: It's not really her cup of tea, though she has no issue with someone who enjoys it. She lives by the rule of "as long as it doesn't hurt anyone".

8. Your OC is given a full-ride scholarship to any college they could want to go to. Where do they go and what do they major in? Jinx: Non-apocalypse; Since the area is in the vicinity of Illinois, she'd mostly likely go to SIU, and she'd likely major in animal-science. Nova: Juilliard, she'd likely major in music, though drama wouldn't be off the table either.

9. What chore does your OC hate the most? Jinx: Dishes Nova: Dusting

10. Would your OC prefer to live in the city, the suburbs, or the country? Jinx: City Nova: Country

11. Is your OC a blanket hog? Jinx: Slightly. She gets hot easily, so she'll probably throw it off a few minutes later if she does steal it. Nova: YES. Hancock has to keep extra blankets on the floor on his side of the bed. She is a fiend. She must be stopped.

12. Would your OC play by the rules in a fight or take cheap shots? Jinx: She's not a good fighter, so taking cheap shots is the only way she can win in a fight. Nova: She plays by the rules normally, but she'll do whatever it takes to win in a fight. 

13. Does your OC have a widow 's peak? Jinx: Very slightly Nova: No

14. Happy birthday! What kind of present would your OC want? Jinx: Jewelry. She never saw any until leaving her hometown and is fascinated by it. Nova: A pet. Literally any kind. Preferably a cat.

15. Something that grosses your OC out? Jinx: Blood Nova: Eggs. She hates eggs.

16. Your OC is suddenly on an adventure! Where do they go and what do they do? They just want to go home. They are tired. They just need rest. 

17. Is there a real person that looks like your OC? Not that I'm aware of.

18. Something that makes your OC laugh without fail? Jinx: Annoying James. Nova: Puns. She is pun trash. 

19. Something that makes your OC cry without fail? Jinx: Pain. She doesn’t handle pain well. She is the worst person to travel with but she’d paying James so he’s stuck with her. Nova: Getting yelled at in a calm situation. She’s calm and collected while in a fight, but she cannot handle getting yelled at out of nowhere.

20. A obscure/ridiculous fear your OC has? Jinx: Automatonophobia-Fear of mannquins. No. Just. Keep them away from her. She screamed and almost got her and James killed the first time she saw one. Nova: Haphephobia-Fear of being touched. She's very physical once she knows and trusts someone, but someone touching her with no warning, particularly men, can lead to a full blown panic attack.

21. Does your OC have any type of disability, whether it be mental, physical, etc? Jinx: She has a weak right ankle, but it doesn't bother her much. Nova: Anxiety and her eyesight is slightly worse in her left eye than her right, but she can still see. 

22. Does your OC get frustrated when people forget to close the door behind themselves? Jinx: No, being closed in rooms stresses her out. Nova: Yes. She gets incredibly frustrated.

23. What is your OC's first memory? Jinx: The first time she saw and got to play with a dog. Nova: Walking with her grandmother in their small town.

24. Something you like that your OC would hate? Jinx: Music, she doesn't like an excess of noise. Nova: Long movies, she gets fidgety if she sits still for too long.

25. Your OC is going into battle/on a mission! What song is their anthem? Jinx: Starset - Carnivore https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAMiX5EEbFU Nova: ATOM BOMB BABY honestly did you expect anything else https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXSUEU7ISfQ

26. Does your OC have good or bad posture? Jinx: Bad Nova: Good

27. Most despicable thing your OC has ever done? Jinx: She fought with anyone she could when she was young and she had no problem using dirty tricks to hurt anyone who even slightly upset her. Nova: She had anger problems when she was young and threatened to stab someone if they didn't back away from her, leading to counseling and many lectures.

28. Is your OC a conspiracy theorist? Jinx: Nah, ain't no time for that. Nova: Somewhat. If something has considerable evidence behind it, she'll acknowledge the possibility.

29. Someone does something awful in front of your OC. How do they handle it? Jinx: She'd probably get herself away from the situation, depending how bad it was, she might freeze up. Nova: Depending on how bad it is, either berate them or shoot them-if it's bad enough.

30. What is your OC's favorite drink? Jinx: Water Nova: Sweet tea

31. Does your OC prefer to sleep in a warm or cool area? Both prefer the cold.

32. Would your OC like you if they met you? Jinx: Probably, she's a pretty chill person. Nova: Maybe, we've got a lot in common.

33. A song that reminds you of your OC? Jinx: I Didn't Know My Own Strength - Whitney Houston https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4CbEotFOnP0 Nova: Migraine - Twenty One Pilots https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K1aiohrm7ro

34. Is your OC a nail biter? Jinx: Yes Nova: No

35. What is your OC's favorite quote? Jinx: "The free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them."-Charles Bukowski Nova: "Thank you for loving me when I still tasted of heartache and war." - Nikita Gill

37. Does your OC get excited when they get mail? Jinx: She probably would. Nova: She did pre-war.

38. Random thunderstorm! How does your OC react? Jinx: Take shelter and nap until it passes over. Nova: Normally, when on her own, she'll just carry on, but she'll stop and chat (or cuddle) if she'd traveling with someone.

39. A strange talent of your OC? Jinx: She can fit her fist in her mouth. Nova: She's double-jointed, so she's flexible and can pop her fingers.

40. Assuming your OC doesn't have them already, what superpower would they want? If they do already, would they change it, keep it, or get rid of it? Jinx: Flight Nova: Invisibility

41. Does your OC like/make puns? Jinx: Yes and yes Nova: Yes. She is a fiend. 

43. Your OC wakes up with a coin super glued to their forehead. How do they react? Jinx: She kills James. She is tired of this. Honestly though, she'd probably laugh it off. Nova: She pretends it's not there. Deacon probably did it and she will NOT give him the satisfaction.

44. Can your OC sleep if there's any kind of light? Jinx: Only if there's very little. Nova: She could sleep through anything.

45. What kind of self-esteem does your OC have? Jinx: High Nova: Low

46. A word that your OC can't stand? Jinx: Moist Nova: Utilize

47. Does your OC fold their clothes, hang them up, or just leave them in the basket/dryer? Jinx: Folds them Nova: Leaves them laying around

49. Your OC's most prized possession? Jinx: Her 9mm pistol, after all the trouble she went through to get it. Nova: Her railway rifle. She loves it. So much.

50. What is your OC's happy place? Jinx: Anywhere quiet and isolated. Nova: She doesn't have one.

[rebdot]

MASSIVE RANT: You don’t have to read if you don’t want to, I just need to get this off my chest.

Am I the only one who’s been top of their class all through my life and now that people are surpassing me I feel inadequate? Like I’ve just become so used to top marks that I feel like an idiot when I don’t get it?

Okay I should probably explain. I’m not bragging here or saying that people not top of their class are idiots, because they’re nowhere near. But I’ve been getting really stressed out over this and this is the reason:

For the non-British people who don’t understand (specifically English) our school system, from when we start school to when we are 11 we are in primary school. That’s 7 years of being in a small local school where there’ll be about 20-30 people your age. After that we’re thrown into secondary/comprehensive school until we’re 16-17 (I think?). We go (at least in my area) Year 1 (5-6), Year 2 (6-7) all the way up to Year 6 (10-11) in primary school. In the May of Year 6 we get these “massive” tests called SATs which determine pretty much everything for the rest of secondary school. From secondary school, it goes Year 7 (11-12) to Year 12 (16-17). Then we have Sixth Form and whatever who basically just sleep everywhere, but that’s not the point. In Year 7, there’s suddenly about 300 of you as opposed to 30, so even if you think you’re smart there’s always some kid to upstage you. In Year 9 (13-14) you start studying for another this time actually massive set of tests, your GSCES. That’s what I’m stressed for.

Basically I’ve been top of the class (and I’m trying not to sound like I’m bragging because I don’t feel that smart) since early primary school. I enjoyed studying, put friends aside (I was one of the least popular students in my school) and basically focused on working hard. Because of this I was a teacher’s pet (pretty much). I could read by the time I was about 4 because my mother absolutely adores books and wanted me to learn as soon as possible. My teachers sent home messages about how well behaved I was. I was taught that as long as you worked hard, you could reach any goal you wanted.

Then came secondary school.

“Big school”. One of the biggest changes little me could hope for. During Year 5 and 6 my unpopularity went from being ignored to being teased and even threatened outside of school by other kids in my class, especially this one prick who managed to be in my classes this year - I’m getting off topic. Because I got I think the second highest SAT scores in my year, I was in the higher classes. We all worked hard and got what we worked for. That year and the one after that was fine. It’s when we started studying for GSCE’s when the problems started.

I pretty much cruised my way through Year 7 and 8 due to hating the education system for about 4 years (when I started getting teased I lost my love of learning, it was only 2 friends who helped me through it who are still my closest mates today) and when the GSCEs started I managed to gain it again, quite recently to be honest. The problem was that after cruising and still getting top marks, I was hoping that now I was trying they’d boost any more. I still don’t know how this happened, but they practically dropped. So now I’m questioning everything my teachers told me and beginning to believe I’ve gotten stupid, because however hard I work, there’s people who are better without trying and it frustrates me to the point of tears.

For example, in English I poured my heart and soul into a story, it was the best I’ve ever wrote, yet now I feel as if it wasn’t good enough. In Maths I can do pages and pages of correct work, yet the teacher immediately berates me for the singular cross in a sea of checks. I don’t know if they’re trying to push me to help me or if they genuinely think I’m stupid, but the pressure’s too much. I know there’s always going to be people who have it worse, but I feel like the only thing stopping me from falling (academically and emotionally) is my enjoyment in learning and school is trying it’s hardest to get rid of it.

Yours truly, an anxious teenager desperately trying to cling onto the good things in life.

[johnnypalmer]

1. (Otto)

I never thought that I was old

until some time ago.

I found myself

behind a window

with old antiques on show.

 And though nobody could have guessed

the changes I’d lived through,

they sometimes stopped and looked at me

as if they somehow knew.

And so the days went by,

the long, long days passed by.

 My story started long ago

with a lady sewing toys

in a factory in Germany

where big machines made loads of noise.

 And as she carefully stitched me together

and as her eyes and mine met,

I still remember a pretty face,

a face I can’t forget.

a long, long time ago.

A long, long time ago…

 2. (Seamstress)

Some people say the future’s dim,

in need of a new direction;

most people think the outlook’s grim,

but meanwhile, life goes on.

 Some people seek a lucky star,

and hang their hopes upon it;

some say it’s all gone far too far,

but somehow, life goes on.

 And children must keep on singing,

and children must dance and play,

and people must keep believing

that somehow we’ll keep the bad at bay.

 Some people fail to understand

the outcome of their actions;

some say things are getting out of hand,

but somehow life goes on.

 Some people say the cloud’s are grey

and can’t see a silver lining.

Some can only pray for a better day

but meanwhile, life goes on.

 For after the storm comes sunshine,

and after the dark comes dawn,

and children must sing and dance and play,

in only this way new hope is born.

And when people fear the future

and when they sow seeds of doubt,

then children must sing and dance and play,

if not, what on earth’s life all about?

 Some people say the forecast’s bleak,

and can’t bear to face the future;

some think the whole world’s up the creak,

but somehow, life goes on.

 mmmm…

And meanwhile life goes on.

 3. (Otto)

She wrapped me up inside a box

and sealed it with a bow.

I waited inside and tried to hide

my fear of the unknown.

Until I felt the box undone

and heard a laughing boy.

I looked at him,

he looked at me

and he held me in his arms.

I’d found myself a home.

I’d found myself a home!

 4. (Otto)

My new found friend could hardly wait

his name was David

and we got on great.

His best friend was Oskar

and we all became mates,

and they told me their stories and jokes.

They wanted to teach me how to read and to write,

but my arms were too clumsy so things didn't go right

and when I knocked the ink over

I got splashed in the eye

and you can still see the stain there today.

  5. (David)

You’re the only friend I’ll ever need,

When times are good or times are hard

I’m by your side and standing guard.

If I’ve got you, and you’ve got me, then we’ll succeed.

 (Oskar)

You know I'm always here to lean upon.

And if you're struggling down a road

I'll be right there to share the load.

We'll help each other out when problems come along.

 (David and Oskar)

I'll always back you up and stand by you.

It's good to know you're someone who

will stick around and pull me through.

Don’t fade away the way that people sometimes do.

I’ll count on you, I’ll count on you.

I’ll count on you, I’ll count on you.

 6. (Men in coats)

Get out quick and come outside.

You've got nowhere to run and you’ve got nowhere to hide.

You've got 2 minutes flat or else we’ll have to decide

to break down the door, yes we'll break down the door.

Bring out your children, your husbands and wives

before we count up to five, before we count up to five.

Out! 2, 3, 4, Out! 2, 3,

before we count up to five, before we count up to five.

 (Jewish families)

Help us! Somebody somewhere please help us,

What have we done to deserve this?

Don’t let them take us, please save us!

Show us some mercy, please!

 (Men in coats)

Get out quick and come outside.

You've got nowhere to run and you’ve got nowhere to hide.

Bring out your children, your husbands and wives

before we count up to five, before we count up to five,

Out! 2, 3, 4, Out! 2, 3, 4.

Out! 2, 3, 4, Out! 2, 3, 4.

Out! 2, 3, 4, Out! 2, 3,

before we count up to five, before we count up to five.

 (Jewish families)

Help us! Somebody somewhere protect us!

Can anyone help us?

We’re ordinary people and we’ve done nothing wrong

so don’t take us away from the homes where we live.

 7. (David)

I’ve no idea about the reason why,

I only know they’re moving us away.

The soldiers say we’ve got to go today.

I’ve just got time to come and say goodbye.

 (Otto)

I didn't understand the reason they were taking him.

I felt so helpless as I watched him say goodbye to us.

But there was nothing I could do.

 (David)

They haven’t told us where we’re going to.

I only know it’s time for us to go.

Don’t want to leave a friend like you alone.

I think that Otto’s better off with you.

 (Otto)

I didn't want to have to stay behind, with David gone.

I felt annoyed because he wouldn't let me go with him.

But now I realise he was right.

 8. (Otto)

From the top of the balcony

just Oskar and me

could see a whole load of people

with the same star as David

who were pushed into lorries

and were taken away

to destinations unknown.

 And we both felt afraid…

and alone.

 9. (Oskar)

Why do people leave you? Why’s the room so cold?

Why is it so difficult to keep my self-control?

Who’ll be there to help us? Why don’t people stay?

What can people say to you to make you feel okay

when friends you’ve had for ever go away?

 Why’s it feel so scary? Why’s it been so long?

Why are all the plans that we were making going wrong?

Why does no one answer? Why will no one hear?

Why do walls start closing in at night when no one’s near

when friends you’ve had for ever disappear?

 (Otto)

And if I could have answered, I think I might have said

at least we had each other and to get back into bed.

But I just listened silently instead.

 (Oskar)

Why do friends desert you? Why is it allowed?

Why do people vanish like the sun behind a cloud?

Why’s the house so lonely, where do people go?

They say it may be over soon, but time drags by so slow.

Tell me where he’s gone to if you know.

 10. (Otto)

Then just when things seemed bad enough,

we had more gloomy news.

Oskar’s dad was forced to go to war.

 And at the station to see him off,

were loads of families and friends,

and as he left, we waved goodbye,

and when he had to go,

tears began to flow.

 11. (Papa)

I know how hard it is to say the word goodbye,

and I’d do anything to stay,

but I’ll be back within a flicker of an eye,

you’ll hardly know I’ve been away.

And dry your eyes and think of happy days ahead,

I hate to see you look so sad.

Just say goodbye, get it over,

You know I’ll miss you when I’m there;

just say goodbye, turn away, and take care.

 (Mutti)

I can’t find words to say exactly what I feel,

I’m just so empty and bereft.

I only wish that what is happening wasn’t real;

we’ll miss you so much when you’ve left.

And any moment of the day you think of us,

we’ll both be thinking of you too;

just say goodbye, get it over,

and think of us while you’re there;

just say goodbye, come home safe, and take care.

 Mutti & Papa

just say goodbye, get it over,

and think of us while you’re there;

just say goodbye…

 12. (Otto)

The next thing we knew was that bombs started falling,

as sirens blared out, and families were calling

to run to the underground shelters they'd built,

to keep us all safe at night.

 And Oskar held on to me tight.

 13. (Oskar)

This was not the way it’s meant to be.

It’s all gone dark and all gone quiet,

except when bombs explode at night,

and people hide and soldiers fight.

 We’re going to have to try hard to be strong.

When all the days are half as bright,

when all the nights are twice as long,

you’ll need a friend to give you strength to carry on,

so count on me.

 14. (G.I.s)

You better pay attention GI Joe.

You keep your heads down and your bodies low.

We got the upper hand and won't let go

and the fight goes on till the battle's won.

 We're in position where the two sides meet.

We're pushing forward and they're in retreat.

We know who's winning and we know who's beat

so the fight goes on till the battle's won.

 We got all night to fight the enemy.

We're gonna keep them on the run.

 We're pushing forward on the battle lines.

Detonating bombs and clearing mines,

sending shivers up and down their spines.

They'll be on the run till the battle's won.

 We're in position where the two sides meet.

We're pushing forward and they're in retreat.

We know who's winning and we know who's beat

and the fight goes on till the battle's won.

 How much longer, how much longer?

How much longer, how much longer?

How much longer, how much longer

Till the battle’s won, till the battle’s won?

 15. (Otto)

After the pilots had dropped their bombs,

after the dust settled down,

after the aftershocks ebbed away,

after the planes had left town,

 the neighbourhood was destroyed.

The bombs had blown it to bits.

With dead and injured surrounding me I was frightened out of my wits.

 But my eyes kept on seeing,

my ears kept on hearing,

my mind kept on coping,

my soul kept on hoping.

but I've never felt so scared before or since.

 16. (nurse)

Sleep soundly as a baby, be peaceful and be calm,

you’re far away from danger now, there’s no cause for alarm.

Rest your aching body, calm your weary brow,

and feel your strength return to you, you’ll get it back somehow.

 But soldiers keep enlisting, and no one’s keeping score,

yet still they keep insisting going back for more and more,

and more replace the men who fell before;

and curse this wretched war.

 Relax your trembling muscles and rest your sleepy head,

the nightmares are behind you now, so dream sweet dreams instead.

Away with fearful visions, and shell-shocked signs of stress,

and dangers lurking out of sight that haunt you nonetheless.

 Enough of broken families, of widows dressed in black,

enough of mothers grieving for their sons who won’t come back.

Enough of senseless killing, enough of settling scores,

enough of soldiers willing to go back for more and more,

and more replace the men who fell before;

and curse this wretched war.

 17. (Otto)

It took us some time to recover our strength

and the soldier told everyone:

 (Charlie)

this guy's a hero,

he sheltered me from the full force of the bullet

which probably saved me my life!

 (Otto)

'Charlie' was the G.I's name.

and I had my first taste of fame

when they gave him a medal and photographers came,

and we made the front page of the press.

 He made me the mascot of the whole regiment,

and he lent me his medal that he pinned to my chest,

and I felt really proud to stand out from the crowd.

Then at long last the war was over.

 18. (Charlie)

Today’s the first day of the next part of my life,

I see the future as a friend.

Today I look at life without the pain, without the strife

and live as though my life’s begun again.

 I never thought that fate would be there smiling down on me.

I thought that I was well and truly stuck.

Then just as I was thinking things were bad as they could be,

suddenly I can’t believe my luck.

 Today I’ve turned a page and boy, I like the book,

and I can’t wait to read the happy ending.

I know the way it’s heading ‘cause I jumped ahead and took a look,

it’s just as though my life’s begun again.

 (Soldiers)

We're setting sail again, we're finally heading home.

Farewell to exile overseas.

Another day away from home would be too long.

There's no one here who disagrees.

 We often wondered if we'd live to see this day.

Hip hip hooray!

Because we're heading home to the US of A.

The irresistible pull of home is so strong.

We're homeward bound for the US of A.

We're heading back to the only place we belong.

 The years and months and days passed by and dragged us down,

We spent them slowly killing time.

The only thing we want to do is quit this town,

and kiss the whole darn place goodbye.

 We've learned how absence makes the heart grow mighty fond.

We're heading cross the pond

and setting sail for the US of A.

The irresistible pull of home is so strong.

We're homeward bound for the US of A.

We're heading back to the only place we belong. Yeah!

 (Charlie)

No one would have guessed that I was born a lucky guy,

I never thought that luck was on my side.

But what d’ya know, my guardian angel’s smiling down on me,

and suddenly my eyes are open wide.

 This is the greatest day I’ve known, you’d better bet,

I see that I’m the luckiest of men;

and one thing that I can’t forget’s the best of it ain’t happened yet,

it’s just as though my life’s begun again.

 19. (Jasmine)

I don’t suppose I’ll get to know what sad times you’ve lived through,

but if you think it never ends, well sometimes dreams come true;

I’ll make this place a special home for you.

 I made a list for Santa Claus, but didn’t get a lot,

but you’re the only gift I want, the best I ever got;

I’ll make this place a special home for you.

 20. (Otto)

One thing I've noticed, when life’s looking great,

you never can tell what the next thing that fate

has in store for you when you're least expecting it,

and things turned for the worse the next day.

Some bullies started chasing us.

I sensed the danger that was facing us.

They caught us up and they blocked our path.

But we couldn't get away!

 21. (bullies)

Catch her, stop her, block her way!

Look at who’s come out to play!

What’s she holding? What’s she got?

Head her off and make her stop.

 Look who’s crying, look who’s scared!

Look who’s brought her teddy bear.

Hand it over, nice and slow,

and once you do you’re free to go.

 And here it comes, and if you’re ready or you’re not,

and if you want it, then you got it,

here comes trouble.

Get out the way or else we’ll show you what we got,

and here it comes, here it comes, here it comes.

 So you tried to get away, well that's too bad because we caught ya'.

And you thought you’d come and play, well somebody shoulda taught ya'

it's our turf and you're not wanted here, it’s time you learned respect,

‘cause it’s us that rules this neighborhood, and no one can protect ya’.

 Throw the teddy to me steady, pick it up and try and pitch it,

and then better yet already, rip it open and unstitch it.

And she's all upset and crying, like she's sad and broken-hearted.

Well we wasn't even trying and we've hardly even started.

 And here it comes, and if you’re ready or you’re not,

and if you want it, then you got it,

here comes trouble.

Get out the way or else we’ll show you what we got,

and here it comes, here it comes, here it comes.

 Throw it like a baseball and I'll see how far I hit it,

and I'll smash it even harder just to see if I can split it.

And pitch it in the ditch again and try and send it flying.

And if you go and snitch on us we'll say that you was lying.

 And here it comes, and if you’re ready or you’re not,

and if you want it, then you got it,

here comes trouble.

There’s just one thing in all the world we like a lot,

and here it comes, here it comes, here it comes.

 22. (Jasmine)

Has no one seen my teddy bear?

I've searched all day and all night.

I don't know what's become of him.

I pray that he's all right.

If anybody sees him

can you let me know at once.

The house is not a home when he's not there.

 I've asked around the neighborhood,

They say my chances are slim.

I'm worried that he misses me

as much as I miss him.

If anyone should see him

just be sure to let me know.

The house is not a home when he's not there.

 (Otto)

I heard her crying,

but it wasn't worth my trying

finding ways to move around or make a sound.

No need to mention

that I couldn't grab attention

So I simply stayed there hoping I'd be found.

 (Jasmine)

I've asked around from door to door

but still got nothing to show.

Has no one got some news for me?

I've hunted high and low.

I'm missing him so badly

and it's getting hard to bear.

The house is not a home when he's not there.

The house is not a home without him there.

 23. (Otto)

I didn't know what would become of me.

My mind filled with worry and doubt.

I needed somebody to rescue me.

It looked like my luck had run out.

 My prospects seemed very dim.

I worried that this was the end.

I knew that my chances were slim

of me making a safe return to my friend.

 But my eyes kept on seeing,

my ears kept on hearing,

my mind kept on coping,

my soul kept on hoping.

 I didn’t even know if I’d survive.

I stayed there simply keeping hope alive.

  24. (old woman)

When nothing much matters and your life’s torn to tatters,

and it’s falling apart at the seams;

when things are more squalid and getting more horrid

than anything you’ve ever seen;

it’s hard, so hard, it’s hard, so hard.

 When people laugh at you because your things that you

possess have been found in the trash;

when people ignore you and they do nothing for you

but they just look away in a flash;

it’s hard, so hard, it’s hard, so hard.

 Nothing’s going to get you down, you’re saying,

nothing’s going to bring you down,

but no one wants to hang around to help you out.

No one’s got the time of day to give you,

no one wants to lend a hand,

there’s no one there to share a care or understand.

 When life is more sordid than ever recorded

with stories you wouldn’t believe;

when your future’s behind you and the people remind you

of all that you didn’t achieve;

it’s hard, so hard, it’s hard, so hard.

It’s hard, so hard.

 25. (antiques seller) Who knows the places that you’ve been, the changes that you’ve seen, the people who you’ve known, emotions that they’ve shown.

If I could know them well, I’d write a book and sell the stories you could tell.

 I see it’s clear that someone cared but times have been quite tough, and though your life’s been shared, the going has been rough. I’ve known some heartache too, I only wish I knew the stories you’ve lived through.

 There’s something in your history, there’s stories to be told. If I could solve the mystery I’d tell the world,

 and sometimes you can’t believe the tales, but one thing never fails; if I look in your eyes they’ll never tell me lies. If I could break the spell I’d penetrate the shell of stories you could tell.

If I could break the spell I’d penetrate the shell of stories you could tell.

 26. (Otto)

Day after day after day passed by,

but no happy outcome appears.

Days turned to weeks and then months went by,

months started turning to years.

 I sat there all on my own.

I grew resigned to my fate

'cause no one gave any thought to me

in my sad and pitiful state.

 But my eyes kept on seeing,

my ears kept on hearing,

my soul kept on yearning

the world kept on turning.

 I watched the passers-by pass by for years!

 27. (Oskar)

Can it really be true what I’m seeing?

Strange how a moment can roll back the years.

Strange how my heart skips a beat but it keeps on pounding,

and strange how the smallest things move you to tears.

 Strange how the smallest things knock you off-balance;

strange how you couldn’t hold back if you tried.

Strange that despite all the heartache and long, long, suffering,

it’s usually the small things that stir you inside.

 Stone cold sober in the cold, dark night,

you contemplate your image that’s reflected in the light.

You’re on the straight and narrow, but your life’s stuck in a rut,

you think the ghosts and memories have been long forgotten,

 but it’s strange how you’re suddenly whisked back to childhood.

It’s weird how the small things bring tears to the eyes.

Strange how life can move forward so slowly till you

find that years and years of your life have passed by.

 Strange how the small things remind you of long lost friendships,

and strange how the smallest things keep hope alive.

 28. (Otto) So off we both went reunited at last celebrating the way an incredible chance brought the two of us finally together again, and we soon became news around town. And there we were, celebrities, they interviewed Oskar and they photographed me. The news hit the papers spontaneously and I was famous all over again. The journalists wrote about an elderly German man who'd once lost his teddy bear during the war, and had found me again by amazing good luck in a faraway antiques store. And just before leaving to go back home, somebody rang through to his telephone, a stranger's voice that he didn't know, and this is what I heard:

 29 (Oskar and David) I can’t believe it’s really you, I can’t believe how time flies. I’d hardly know you, you’ve changed so much, but I remember those eyes. I was wandering around and was passing through, now I’m stood here with you and I hardly dare to think it’s really true. Can this be true and really you, my long lost friend from the past? I can't believe it's happening, we're reunited at last. I was biding my time, in the way you do, now I look up at you and I pinch myself to check it’s really true. I thought it was over, I feared the worst, I thought that I’d lost my best friend. I thought we were blighted, I thought we were cursed, but now we’re together again. I was passing the time and was muddling through; now you’re back here again and I rub my eyes and can’t believe it’s true, together again and so overdue, as I look at you now I just rub my eyes and can’t believe it’s true. Do you remember back to when we met as children and happy moments that we spent? I said I’d care for you, as though you were my brother And every word I said, I meant. Do you recall ? Yes I recall. I still recall, I still recall, I still recall… And who’d have thought that we’d be here to tell the story or that we’d ever meet again? We kept on keeping hope alive though, yes, we were keeping hope alive. Remember how we used to talk with one another of plans we’d never carry through? And when the days grew dark, we’d run and duck for cover Do you remember like I do? Oh yes I do, oh yes I do, oh how I do, indeed I do, oh yes I do… And when we shouted out, but no one gave an answer, and when we didn’t think we’d cope, we kept on keeping hope alive though, we never ever gave up hope. And when we shouted out, but no one gave an answer, or even feared we’d not survive, we kept on keeping hope alive though, yes, we were keeping hope alive. we kept on keeping hope alive though, yes, we were keeping hope alive. we kept on keeping hope alive though, yes, we were keeping hope alive.

 30. (Otto) The things that I heard were profoundly sad, as sad as a story can get. Life for my friends had been truly bad, and I've not told the worst of it yet. David and his parents had been sent to an enormous prison camp. His parents never returned. David had survived, ill and starving. Oskar’s father had died in the war. Oskar and his mother had been crushed by the ruins of their house when it was bombed. His mother didn’t escape, but Oskar had survived. But we'd all kept on coping, our souls kept on hoping. The world had grown colder, we'd all grown much older. And since we'd all been living on our own we both moved in with David in his home.

 31. (David & Oskar) This is where we're both supposed to be, me for you and you for me, through thick and thin, through sun and rain, Let's set our course and chose our path, and walk it again. This is how it always should have been, despite the sadness that we’ve seen, despite the cost, despite the loss, all that I’ve got, I’ll share the lot, my friend, with you. And somehow we survived it in the end, I don't know why, I don't know how, but all that matters to me now is I've found you and you've found me again, my friend. I’ll count on you, I’ll count on you. (the entire cast) And always tell the story like it is, and when it's far too sad for words, and if you grieve for what occurred, that’s why the story must be heard. And shine a light on shadows that are cast by painful memories, almost lost, at such a monumental cost, in darkest corners of the past. And history must be constantly explored. Don't let your children tell you that you swept it underneath the mat. Don't let the story be forgotten or ignored, I’ll count on you, I’ll count on you, I’ll count on you.

[queen-enthusiast-39]

ASK ME THINGS

No one asked for these but I’m bored 

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Probably “Good morning babe” because it’d be my boyfriend.

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

We’re dating (A year and a half now)

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

Hard drugs yes. We probably wouldn’t be dating at all, but something like cigarettes or weed is fine

4. Is your last name longer than six letters? Yes. It’s 10 letters long.

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober? Sober.

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up? If by messed it up you mean I never did anything to make it become something when the feelings were there in both parties, then yes.

7. What does your last received text say? “That’s not really helping” - I give terrible descriptions through text.

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed? Too many to count.

9. Where was your last kiss at? My boyfriend’s place.

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? I don’t have a sister but I saw my brother 3 days ago.

11. What do you drink in the morning? Chocolate milk, tea, or juice.

12. Where did you sleep last night? In my bed in my apartment.

13. Do you think relationships are hard? Yes. They are hard but can be very fulfilling.

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you? Yes.

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems? Nope. Again, its my boyfriend.

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy? Sunny.

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you? Nope.

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants? Sweatpants.

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now? I like to think so, but from some recent things maybe not.

20. Does anyone like you? I’m a pretty well-liked person, both socially and romantically, by a lot of people.

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S? Yes.

22. Is the last person you kissed gay? Nope.

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand? There’s a lot of people I can’t stand anymore who used to mean the world to me.

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo? Yes. I have one picked out for when I get the money.

25. In the past week have you cried? Surprisingly no, considering how stressed I’ve been.

26. What breed was the last dog you saw? Corgi.

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower? Out of the shower.

28. Have you ever kissed a football player? Nope.

29. Do you think you’re old? No. I’m only 20 and nowhere near close to being an adult.

30. Do you like text messaging? Yeah, but I really like talking face to face too.

31. What type of day are you having? Really tired and kinda depressed  for some reason but otherwise good.

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? Yes.

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Cold weather.

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Yes.

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling? Relationsip.

36. Are you a simple or complicated person? I like to think I’m simple but I’m definitely complicated.

37. What song are you listening to? “Nowhere With You” by Joel Plaskett Emergency 

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it? As a Canadian, I say it a lot out of habit, but when a situation calls for an apology, its always sincere. 39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you? Yeah. My mom knows the most about me, and my ex-best friend knew a lot about me. There is one girl though that we are essentially “distance best friends”. She probably knows as much as my mom. 40. What made you start liking the person you like now? He was a genuinely sweet guy who always brought me tea at work and always offered to help me or do the work I didn’t want to do. He’s truly a sweetheart and is a big softie (only for me).

41. When did you last receive a text message? Like 10 minutes ago. 42. What is wrong with you right now? I’m extremely tired, burnt out, and slightly depressed. I also have bad back pain but it could be worse. 43. How well do you know the last female you texted? We could be sisters. 44. Does anyone disgust you? Some people from my past. The levels they sank to is just disgusting. 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked? Considering I’m in a relationship, no. 46. Are you in a good mood right now? I’m pretty neutral. 47. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My friend Julia in my Abnormal Psychology class. 48. What color shirt are you wearing? Grey with red/black details. 49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear? No. It’s only been good news or needed things. 50. Anyone you’re giving up on? Possibly. Things are still working out. 51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. The guy I do hate I never fell that hard for him. I thought I did, but I realized things weren’t right. That’s why we didn’t last long (we also were a terrible pair).

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t? Yes. 53. Do you like rain? I LOVE the rain! It’s so relaxing and if I don’t have to go anywhere, I stay in bed snuggled in blankets with a mug of tea and Netflix, a book, or my knitting. 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks? No, because we both drink. We know our limits and keep each other to them if we start to go overboard. 55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? So many times yes. 56. Do you like to cuddle? Occasionally. Sometimes I feel like I’m being crowded or don’t want to be touched. I can’t be cuddled all the time, but most times I really like it. 57. Are you shy? I’ve grown shyer in recent years. I used to be really open and extraverted, but some experiences have made me more introverted. 58. Do you get along with girls? Some girls. It depends on the group, but at a surface level, I get along with most people. 59. Have you dated the person you texted last? I currently am dating them. 60. What do you carry with you at all times? Burt’s Bees Peppermint Oil Lip Balm (aside from usual things like wallet, keys, and phone). 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Depending on the house, I’d try. 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months? My first relationship was 4 months and I thought I’d never cross that threshold, but now I’m a year and a half down the line with my current boyfriend. 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship? Yes. 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? Yes! I find it so sweet, especially because I’m short. 65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week? Not really. It’s been pretty dull so far.

66. How old are the last three people you kissed? 19 (boyfriend), 49 (mom), 21 (brother).

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?  Pay to get them done.  68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?  I’m not a huge fan of either, but I’d be able to pull off zebra print better. 69. Do you have any stickers on your car?  No. I have an irrational hatred for car stickers (especially car sticker families). 70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?  Luke Bryan I guess. 71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?  My first phone was an Android but I currently have an iPhone. 72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?  November.   73. Do you like diet soda?  Yeah. I prefer the regular versions but I’ll drink whatever. 74. What color are the walls in your room?   Like a beige kind of colour.  75. Are you 16 or older?  Older. I’m 20. 76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?  Never watched it.   77. Do you have a job?  Part-time because I’m away at school most of the year. I work as a cashier/supervisor at a drug store over the summer and holiday breaks and I volunteer at my university’s food bank during school terms.   78. What are your initials? L. V. R.  79. Did you ever have braces?  From 6th grade to 7th grade. 80. Are you from the south?   The South Shore of Nova Scotia yes. But not the American South. 

81. What does your last status on facebook say? “Caffeine is a lie. I’m still exhausted but now I have a slightly faster heart rate”.    82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?  Not really. He moved a few years ago and I haven’t seen him since. The only contact we have is through Instagram.   83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad? Definitely my mom.    84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?   I did gymnastics as a kid. If I had kept up with it I could’ve been a decent gymnast. I wasn’t terrible at it but it wasn’t a passion.  85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?   Bohemian Rhapsody. It was great!  86. Do you smoke?  Nope. Never have yet.   87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops? Heels honestly.    88. Is your phone touch screen? Yep.    89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?  My hair is naturally curly and most days I’m too lazy to do anything else to it, so curly.   90. Have you ever snuck out of your house? Nope. I never really had a reason to. My mom was chill with me going places.    91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?  Lake.   92. Have you ever made out in a car?  Yes.   93. …Had sex in a car? Almost, but we realized we had the house to ourselves anyway.    94. Are you single or in a relationship?  In a relationship.   95. What were you doing last night at midnight? Scrolling through Tumblr because I couldn’t sleep.    96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? Canada Day (July 1) 2018.  97. Do you like the camera on your phone? Yeah sure. I don’t take many pictures.    98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits? Nope.    99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?  Nope.   100. Are you friends with people on Facebook that you actually hate? Yeah, there’s a few. I don’t use Facebook a whole lot anymore.    101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare? I thought I did. Turns out I was just stressed and threw everything out of whack.    102. Name your favorite Kesha song:  Tik Tok. It still slaps.   103. Do you have any tan lines right now? Not tan lines, but scars from a second-degree sunburn I got 2 years ago at a party on senior skip day. 104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts? I could make that work in the right context.   

[battybat-boss]

Exposing Myths of Dietary Oils: The Omega 3 to Omega 6 Fatty Acid Ratio is Key

This Fat Is Actually Worse Than Trans Fats

by Dr. Mercola

Dietary fats can be tricky business, as they're not all the same. While some are necessary for optimal health, others need to be balanced and some need to be avoided altogether, and understanding which is which is quite crucial, considering how important fats are for optimal health.

Here, I will review some of the basics, including the importance of balancing your omega-3 and omega-6 intake, and why replacing saturated animal fats with omega-6-rich vegetable oils is such a bad idea.

Some of this information, which will be more thoroughly covered in my upcoming book, “Superfuel,” is based on research by my coauthor, James DiNicolantonio, a doctor of pharmacy and cardiovascular researcher.

For Optimal Health, Mind Your Omega-3 to Omega-6 Ratio

For years, I've stressed the importance of balancing your omega-3 to omega-6 intake to protect your health. Eating too much damaged omega-6 fat - found in abundance in processed vegetable oils - and too little animal-based omega-3 sets the stage for diabetes, cardiovascular disease, rheumatoid arthritis, cancer, depression and Alzheimer's, just to name a few.

The ideal ratio of omega-3 to omega-6 fats ranges from 1-to-1 to 1-to-5, but the typical Western diet tends to be between 1-to-20 and 1-to-50. Most people, especially Americans, are guilty of this lopsided omega-3 to omega-6 ratio, and to correct it, you typically need to do two things:

1. Significantly decrease intake of damaged omega-6 by avoiding processed foods and foods cooked in vegetable oil at high temperatures. A number of studies1,2 have found that people who regularly eat deep-fried foods have a significantly increased risk of stroke and death.

Common sources of harmful omega-6 to avoid include corn oil, canola oil, soy oil, hydrogenated or partially hydrogenated fats, margarine and shortening.

2. Increase your intake of animal-based omega-3 fats. Ideal sources include small fatty fish such as sardines, anchovies and herring, along with wild-caught Alaskan salmon, or a supplement such as krill oil.

Replacing Saturated Fats With Vegetable Oils Harms Heart Health

Unfortunately, many health authorities have insisted omega-6-rich vegetable oils are healthier than saturated animal fats such as butter and lard, and this myth has been a tough one to dismantle, despite the evidence against it.

For example, a 2013 study3 in the British Medical Journal (BMJ) found replacing saturated fat with omega-6 oils raised the risk of death if you have heart disease. As reported in a BMJ press release:4

“Their analysis involved 458 men aged 30 to 59 years who had recently had a coronary event, such as a heart attack or an episode of angina. Participants were randomly divided into two groups.

The intervention group was instructed to reduce saturated fats (from animal fats, common margarines and shortenings) to less than 10 percent of energy intake and to increase linoleic acid (from safflower oil and safflower oil polyunsaturated margarine) to 15 percent of energy intake. Safflower oil is a concentrated source of omega-6 linoleic acid and provides no omega-3 PUFAs [polyunsaturated fats].”

The control group received no specific dietary advice on fats and was allowed to eat whatever they wanted. Both groups kept food diaries for an average of 39 months.

It's worth noting that this study did not differentiate between types of saturated fats, lumping together animal fats with margarines and shortening high in saturated fat but also toxic trans fats. (The harder the margarine, the more saturated fat it tends to contain, in some cases more than butter or lard.) Despite this discrepancy, the results showed that:

The omega-6 linoleic acid group had a 17 percent higher risk of dying from heart disease during the study period, compared with 11 percent among the control group

The omega-6 group also had a higher risk of all-cause mortality

Omega-6 Oils Do Not Provide Cardiovascular Benefit

The researchers also conducted a meta-analysis of linoleic acid intervention trials, finding no evidence of cardiovascular benefit. According to the authors, “These findings could have important implications for worldwide dietary advice to substitute omega-6 linoleic acid, or PUFAs in general, for saturated fats.”

Jane Collis, an independent researcher not affiliated with the research also commented on the BMJ study, saying:5

“Commercial food processing destroys a significant amount of EFAs [essential fatty acids], along with their oxygenating ability … Polyunsaturated oils are unstable and very quickly become rancid.

Oxidized fatty acids are dangerous to your health. Lipid peroxidation and oxidative stress are important factors in this damage. Further damage is also caused by heating polyunsaturated fats in cooking (particularly frying foods).

Many omega-3 research trials did not consider the omega 3/6 essential fatty acid ratio which is vital to the eicossanoid balance. The correct omega 3/6 ratio is fundamental to holistic health for all.”

Oxidized Omega-6 Fat Is a Primary Driver of Heart Disease

Next, let's take a look at why omega-6 industrially processed vegetable oils promote heart disease. First of all, it's important to recognize that omega-6 fat in and of itself is not the problem. Linoleic acid is also found in foods such as nuts, seeds and eggs, and is important for health.

In a groundbreaking new publication entitled “Omega-6 Vegetable Oils as a Driver of Coronary Heart Disease: The Oxidized Linoleic Acid Hypothesis,”6 published in BMJ Open Heart by DiNicolantonio, he explains the following:

The problem is that we now eat far too much omega-6, which creates a severe imbalance in the omega-3 to omega-6 ratio. Today, omega-6 PUFAs make up around 8 to 10 percent of the total energy intake in the Western world. This is largely related to the large amounts of processed foods consumed that are loaded with these dangerous fats.

What's worse, the primary source of omega-6 is no longer eggs and nuts but rather processed vegetable oils, and most of this linoleic acid is oxidized from the processing.

In the early 1900s, consumption of vegetable oils skyrocketed, taking the place of butter and lard, and so did incidence of heart disease. Evidence implicating excessive consumption of omega-6-rich vegetable oils as a direct cause of heart disease include but is not limited to:

The amount of linoleic acid in adipose tissue and platelets is positively associated with coronary artery disease, and studies7 measuring changes in linoleic acid concentrations in adipose tissue in Americans show concentrations increased from 9.1 percent in 1959 to 21.5 percent in 2008. This increase also paralleled increases in the prevalence of obesity, diabetes and asthma.Conversely, the long-chained omega-3s docosahexaenoic acid (DHA) and eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) have been shown to protect against coronary artery disease, which is why maintaining a healthy balance between omega-3 and omega-6 is so important.

Patients with atherosclerosis have higher amounts of linoleic acid oxidation products in their plasma, low-density lipoprotein (LDL) and atherosclerotic plaques.

Oxidation of linoleic acid begins before any clinical signs of atherosclerosis become apparent.

When the endothelium (the interior lining of your blood vessels) is exposed to linoleic acid, LDL transfer across the endothelium is increased and this is an essential step in the atherosclerotic process.

Low linoleic acid diets reduce LDL oxidation.

A meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials in humans showed that when saturated fat and trans fat are replaced with omega-6 PUFAs, all-cause mortality, ischemic heart disease mortality and cardiovascular mortality increase.

Oxidation products of linoleic acid are found in infarcted tissue.

The linoleic acid metabolite 9-HODE is a strong promoter of inflammation, and may be both a marker for and inducer of atherosclerosis.

Omega-6 May Reduce Omega-3 in Your Body

You can obtain omega-3 fats from both plants and marine animals like fish and krill. However, these sources provide different types of omega-3, and they are not interchangeable. Plant-based omega-3 contains alpha-linolenic acid (ALA), a shorter-chained omega 3 fat.

ALA is a precursor to the longer-chained omega 3 fats EPA and DHA. However, an enzyme is required for its conversion, and in most people this enzyme doesn't work very well. Hence the conversion rate is exceptionally small. Typically, less than 1 percent of the ALA is converted to EPA. Some studies have found the conversion rate to be as 0.1 to 0.5 percent.8

Your conversion is also dependent on having adequate levels of other vitamins and minerals. So, while a tiny amount of the ALA you consume can be converted by your body into long-chain omega-3, it's a highly inefficient strategy and nowhere near as helpful as supplying “straight” DHA and EPA from marine sources.

Getting back to omega-6, linoleic acid actually reduces omega-3 in your body by competing with the ALA for metabolism to the longer chained EPA and DHA. This information is particularly relevant for vegans and vegetarians who often make the mistake of thinking their body will convert plant-based ALA to EPA and DHA.

Not only is it near-impossible to get sufficient amounts of EPA and DHA this way, but whatever minor conversion may theoretically take place is further hindered if you're consuming excessive amounts of omega-6 from vegetable oils and processed foods.

LDL Oxidation Is Initiated by Oxidation of Linoleic Acid

Ample research suggests heart disease is caused not by elevated total cholesterol but, rather, by oxidized LDLs. Unoxidized LDL, even when elevated, does not contribute to atherosclerosis. But what causes LDL oxidation?

Studies9 have shown LDL oxidation is actually triggered or initiated by the oxidation of the linoleic acid inside the LDL particles. As noted by DiNicolantonio in “Omega-6 Vegetable Oils as a Driver of Coronary Heart Disease: The Oxidized Linoleic Acid Hypothesis:”

“Once linoleic acid becomes oxidized in LDL aldehydes and ketones covalently bind apoB, creating LDL that is no longer recognized by the LDL receptors in the liver but is now recognized by scavenger receptors on macrophages leading to the classic foam cell formation and atherosclerosis.10,11,12

Hence, the amount of linoleic acid contained in LDL can be seen as the true 'culprit' that initiates the process of oxidized LDL formation as it is the linoleic acid that is highly susceptible to oxidation.

Additionally, an increase in the intake of linoleic acid intake increases the linoleic acid content of very-low density lipoprotein (VLDL) and high-density lipoprotein (HDL) increasing their susceptibility to oxidize, which further increases the risk of cardiovascular disease.13,14,15

Thus, expanding on the oxidized LDL theory of heart disease, a more comprehensive theory, the 'oxidized linoleic acid theory of coronary heart disease' is as follows:

Dietary linoleic acid, especially when consumed from refined omega-6 vegetable oils, gets incorporated into all blood lipoproteins (such as LDL, VLDL and HDL) increasing the susceptibility of all lipoproteins to oxidize and hence increases cardiovascular risk.”16

Saturated Fat Protects Against Oxidation of Cholesterol Whereas Omega-6 Promotes It

Oxidized cholesterol has also been implicated in atherosclerosis. This hypothesis is what led to the demonization of dietary cholesterol and saturated fat. Alas, when cholesterol is bound to saturated fat, oxidation does not readily occur. Linoleic acid, on the other hand, does promote oxidation of cholesterol.

In fact, plaques taken from patients with atherosclerosis have been found to contain oxidized cholesteryl linoleate - i.e., cholesterol esters that contain linoleic acid - and higher oxidized cholesteryl linoleate levels also correlate with atherosclerosis severity.

In short, when cholesterol is bound to saturated fat, it is protected from oxidation, which lowers your risk for cardiovascular disease, and when it is bound to linoleic acid, the cholesterol is susceptible to oxidation, thereby raising your risk. Linoleic acid also increases your risk of heart disease by reducing high-density lipoprotein (HDL) cholesterol.17,18 As noted by DiNicolantonio:

“Numerous lines of evidence show that the omega-6 polyunsaturated fat linoleic acid promotes oxidative stress, oxidized LDL, chronic low-grade inflammation, atherosclerosis, and is likely a major dietary culprit for causing coronary heart disease, especially when consumed in the form of industrial seed oils commonly referred to as 'vegetable oils.'”

Understanding Dietary Fats Is Important for Optimal Health

When it comes to cooking foods with oil, one of the things to watch for is oils that are hydrogenated or interesterified (a fat where the triglyceride molecule is engineered to change the melting point of the oil). Organic, grass fed butter is among the best fats to cook with.

Ghee, another delicious alternative, has been used for cooking for eons and is another good choice, as is organic unrefined coconut oil. Among the worst are vegetable oils high in omega-6 linolenic acid, which include corn oils, soybean oil, safflower, cottonseed and canola oils.

As mentioned, this information is a small sampling of what will be covered in greater depth in my upcoming book, “Superfuel: Ketogenic Keys to Unlock the Secrets of Good Fats, Bad Fats, and Great Health,” cowritten with James DiNicolantonio. In it, we review what you need to know about dietary fats, which are a crucial component of a healthy diet. You can preorder the book on Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Read the full article at Mercola.com.

References

1 American Journal of Clinical Nutrition July 1, 2017; 106(1): 162-167

2 ABC News February 7, 2013

3 BMJ 2013;346:e8707

4 BMJ Press release February 5, 2013

5 Jane E Collis comment, BMJ February 12, 2013

6 BMJ September 26, 2018

7 Advances in nutrition 2015;6:660-4

8 Authority Nutrition, DHA: A Detailed Review

9, 10 Biochim Biophys Acta 2008;1781:221-31

11 J Biol Chem 1984;259:11305-11

12 Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A 1982;79:1712-6

13 Biochem Soc Trans 2003;31:1062-5

14 Biochim Biophys Acta 2000;1483:217-35

15 Curr Opin Mol Ther 2006;8:198-205

16 J Clin Invest 1993;91:668-76

17 Arterioscler Thromb 1992;12:911-9

18 American Journal of Clinical Nutrition 2006;84:1290-8

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