#my ocd can barely work up the nerve to post this

[batteredshoes]

Calder in the Studio

[apathetic-revenant]

uh...hi?

[head pokes around corner]

so...

I've been back to scrolling around on tumblr for a bit now, and have been really wanting to get back to actually, y'know. being here. posting. not just sort of hanging here invisibly like a mournful ghost, observing but never interacting. that sort of thing. (revenants, after all, are supposed to be corporeal undead.)

but I really wanted to explain why I just kind of abruptly vanished in the first place. no one demanded this of me, but it felt like something I had to do. and then, in the typical way of self-imposed obstacles, it became a massive stumbling block. partly because of the nerves and emotions attached to it, sure, but mostly, tbh, because it was a Task. I recently (about 3 weeks ago now?) started seeing a new psychiatrist and got an adjustment to my ADHD meds which basically made my brain boot up again for the first time in way too long. this is great! but it means I am having to kind of slowly rehab my brain into getting used to doing Literally Anything again, one small step at a time. I am not being hyperbolic when I say I had to gradually build up my executive functioning for a while just to be able to write a tumblr post.

but fuck it! I really wanted to just do this already. so, while I'm sure I'll talk about all this in more detail later, for right now I'm gonna strip this down to the bare essentials just so I can get it done at all.

here's what happened:

in 2020 I had a sudden onset of extremely severe OCD.

no, not about the pandemic, actually. yeah I was anxious about the pandemic but it was a pretty normal level of anxiety for a global pandemic, honestly. my OCD took the form of scrupulosity--essentially, an obsessive worry about being a bad person.

tumblr is....not a GREAT place to be if you have a sudden obsessive fear of being a bad person.

now, to be clear: tumblr did not CAUSE my OCD, and leaving tumblr did not cure it. that's just not how OCD works. later on, I learned that atypical antipsychotics--one of which I had been prescribed around that time, for depression--have been known to cause OCD. is there any way to prove that that's what happened? probably not, at this point! so I've just been kind of sitting with that terrible knowledge for a while.

anyway. I would've had OCD anyway, but reading a regular stream of posts going "hey, here's a really terrible thing you might be doing! you might even be doing it without knowing it! you need to think really hard and be constantly vigilant all the time for any sign that you might be doing this thing!" was basically pouring gasoline on the fire.

I never made an active decision to leave tumblr--if I had I would've said something first. I just kind of thought "god, I can't do this right now" one day and didn't open the app, which turned into days and then weeks and then months, and still things weren't getting better.

it's hard to express exactly how harrowing that whole experience was. actually I just started thinking about it and realized I would never finish this post tonight if I tried to get into it just now. so I won't. let's just say: It Was Bad.

but, by an astronomical stroke of luck, I ended up getting referred to not just an OCD therapist, not just the only OCD therapist in the state who took Medicaid, but the only OCD therapist in the state who took Medicaid and also she was really good at her job. I genuinely think that woman saved my life.

OCD therapy is one of those "the only way out is through" kind of things. it's brutal and also quite surreal, but it has a high success rate and is very effective. OCD is not a thing that you can cure, per se, but it went from completely dominating every waking moment of my life to being something that I occasionally have to yell at in much the same way as when the cat starts knocking things off my desk at 3 in the morning.

but, the thing was, it took a year-and-a-bit before my therapist and I agreed that I had probably "graduated" as she put it. so, by the time I felt able to go back on tumblr without my brain catching on fire again, it had been so long that I didn't know how to do it. I felt like I'd pulled a major dick move by just dropping off without saying anything. I still thought about it (usually late at night, at Time To Think About Every Regret I've Ever Had O'Clock) but my brain very easily goes to a place of "well, no one would really notice or care that I was gone, and if they did they'd be mad at me for having left."

well. earlier this year I started on the road to getting past that idea. shoutout to @fordtato for helping with that, btw.

but it took me a while to work up the courage and then, as previously mentioned, even longer to work up the neurotransmitters.

I think I gotta wrap this up for now cause I don't have much concentration juice left. but, for what it's worth: I had a lot of emotions, coming back and seeing the names of people I used to talk to all the time. I don't know how you feel about me anymore, but I really missed yall. I would like to talk to you again.

[rhythmic-idealist]

This post is a little outdated and very bulky, I’ll be fixing it soon!

Please read the February 26th update on the GoFundMe. Thank you all. 

-------------

Hey all. Usually you see me boosting others’ fundraisers; now it’s come time to make one of my own.

This is for my dear friend O. He’s been my friend for five years—he’s seen me through some of the ugliest public OCD moments of my life, and watched the stars with me at two in the morning, and made sure my 21st birthday was done right. 

O’s workplace closed for two weeks due to the pandemic. Then he tested positive for the coronavirus, and he had to stay home for another three.

---

That was in July 2020. I began this fundraiser campaign when he reached out to me two months later, in September, and it’s stalled out at $580, but it’s kept the lights on.

The short version is that O lost five weeks of work due to contracting COVID-19. His landlord has adjusted expectations, but a minimum of 1/4 of July and August’s back-due rent is due by March. This fundraiser is to keep O in his apartment after, despite his every precaution, someone got him sick at the job he needs to work to survive.

We need to raise $3,170 by March or we fear O will lose the roof over his head. The total we need to raise, even if it takes longer than March, is $7,750.

Here’s the link to his GoFundMe. Or, read on below, for a longer explanation of the story. [The old version of this post is available here.]

More Story:

March O began preparing for disaster. But you can’t save money when every cough or sniffle—and rightfully so!—gets you sent home from work, and you aren’t paid for the hours you aren’t working.

April-May 2020 The rent moratorium meant that he didn’t need to pay April and May’s rent, which was a small comfort (and enormous relief), and he kept working.

June 2020 O had enough to pay rent again, which he did.

And then there was a COVID-19 exposure at O’s workplace, which announced it would close for the recommended two weeks. These two weeks were not paid leave.

July-August 2020 On July 5th, O had a mild fever and lost his sense of taste, and took immediate action. His COVID test came back positive. He informed his employer at once, who instructed him to stay home for 3 weeks without pay.

Another two days of income were lost to a pulled nerve.

In July and August, O was unable to pay rent. That rent is the amount that we are fundraising for - about $6,000 total. His landlord will eventually demand that full amount, which is why we are working so hard to raise it.

September 2020

We started the GoFundMe. It’s been slow going, but we can barely scrape through with enough for March. We need help, though.

October 2020 O’s landlord agreed to accept a quarter of the rent that’s due by March. More on that situation in this update. Minimum needed by March to stay housed: $3,170 USD.

It became clear that O would need help keeping up with DWP bills as he plays catch-up on everything else. Rent is not his only outstanding bill, and this fundraiser only exists to cover costs he can’t cover while working full time. More on that situation in this update.

February 2021:

There’s a new update which I’ll link here soon, but we need to raise an additional $3,000 by the end of March. Thank you.

Logistics:

The rent that is due is about $6,000, and his DWP bill is coming up on $500. GoFundMe charges a payment processing fee of 2.9% plus $0.30 per donation, so to account for that fee, I’ve adjusted that number to $6900 USD.

DWP bills are about $200 a month. Adding GoFundMe's payment processing fees, that becomes an estimated $211.80 per month. The current goal accounts for four months of DWP bills, or $6900 + $847.20.

If the fundraiser is not finished in March, that number will update again to reflect DWP bills for the coming months.

Overdue rent + DWP bills for now = $7,750 USD total

Thank you so much for supporting. Please share, if you can.

GoFundMe total: $3,830 Funds donated through Ko-Fi: $375. If you give via Ko-Fi, please add a note such as “For O” or “Keep O Housed.” My Ko-Fi is no longer exclusive to this fundraiser.

Amount raised: 4,195/7,750 USD | Date updated: 3/06/2021

[kmforeverff]

There Goes My Life Chapter 3

Chapter 3: La La Land 

Kevin sat there. His head in his hands. He fucked everything up. He barely chased after the boy. He didn't run down the road, or even got on his bike. He just got to the end of the hall and shouted out his name. It's ok. He told himself. That dork doesn't deserve me. Kevin leaned against the wall and slid to the floor as his face became wet with tears.

____________________________________________________________

Double Dee entered the busy cafeteria with his friends on either side of him. He was nervous. Normally, they ate outside, where it wasn't so busy, on a blanket that Edd washed, and pressed himself daily. Sometimes his OCD drove the other boys mad, but they accepted it was a part of him. Double Dee was taking medications for it, and sure it was more manageable, but there were some habits that were hard to break. And right now, Double Dee was resisting the urge to turn around and run screaming in the opposite direction.

"Boys, I'm sure that this is all just a cruel joke. Why do we not make ourselves sparse, and resume our nutritious meals over at our usual tree?" Eddy rolled his eyes at his friend.

"C'mon, you know damn well that this ain't no joke." He proceeded to push his friend in the direction of the table they were to sit at. "You have been eyeballing this guy all year. Now grow a pair and actually talk to the asshole."

Double Dee resisted the urge to correct Eddy's horrible grammar, but stopped short only whispering out, "language." Eddy heard him but ignored the retort. Ed was bouncing happily in the same direction even going as far as to say loudly, "look guys, they saved us a seat!" Eddward looked up, and sure enough, there were three open seats where the football players usually sat. Kevin was beaming proudly, Nazz was munching on a carrot stick, and Nat… well, Nat was being his usual self. He was standing on the table, telling a rather provocative story in excruciating detail, only to receive a warning from one of the teachers overseeing the cafeteria. The teal haired boy laughed before sitting down across from Kevin.

Kevin looked up and saw the three Edds walking towards them. "Over here!" He called out happily. The unwanted attention as heads turned to see who the most popular boy in school was calling to caused Edd to blush a deep red. The three boys quickly joined the table at Edd's insistence as Eddy laughed loudly. "What's got you so flustered Sockhead?" He joked. Only to earn a disapproving elbow in the side. Ed bounced happily and sat next to Nazz, Eddy, sat at the end of the table, leaving only one empty seat. And that was the one right next to Kevin. Edd's face only grew redder as he took his seat. "Gr… greetings Kevin. Thank you for inviting us."

Kevin grinned back at the dork. "Hey dude, it's no problem really. I've been wanting to hang more with you." He appeared like he was going to say more, however, he choked back his words as a ferocious blush overcame his face. Eddy noticed this, and a plan started to come together in his head. He knew then without a shadow of a doubt, that Edd wasn't the only one who kept his feelings quiet. "Hey Shovelchin, didn't you fail the last English test?" He inquired.

Kevin's face flushed with anger. "Yeah? What's it to you blockhead?" He was starting to rise but felt a hand on his shoulder. "If you need assistance with your English homework, I would be more than happy to offer my assistance." Double Dee stated without hesitation. He didn't want there to be a fight, and he also abhorred the idea of anyone doing poorly in school. It would also get Edd out of trying to do scams with Eddy, and he would be able to spend time with the object of his affections.

Kevin contemplated for a moment before receiving a hard kick in the shin from across the table. He yelped, startling the other attendees, but when he looked at the source, Aqua-eyes moved back and forth between the red-head, and his favorite dork. He got the hint. "Really?" He almost shouted. "That would be rad! Wanna chill after school?" Edd blushed but nodded his head. "Choice. I can take you. Wanna study at my place or yours?"

Double Dee didn't want to go home, only to be greeted by nobody there. Albeit, his parents were sometimes home, they worked very demanding jobs. And being alone was taxing. "Yours will more than likely suffice." He concluded. Suddenly, Nazz jumped from the table and ran out of the cafeteria. Nathan held up his hand. "I got this." and followed her out.

The smart boy looked towards the exit the two used curiously. "Oh dear, I do hope she is not coming down with something." He subconsciously started wiping the table in front of him with a napkin. He felt the need to grab the Lysol that he kept in his bag and douse the entire table.

Kevin noticed the worry in Edd's eyes and reached for his hand. "Nah dude, I'm sure it was just something she ate. She didn't look sick at all." He blushed when he noticed he was still holding Double Dee's hand. He quickly released it and looked around awkwardly. "So, ever been on a cycle before?"

Eddy and Ed, burst into laughter as Edd paled. "No Kevin, AI have never been on one of those death traps, and nor will I ever." It wasn't that he was worried about Kevin's abilities, he was more concerned with the other drivers who did not pay any attention. He wished that they never existed. However, they do.

"Dude, it's only for like 10 minutes. It'd be a lot faster than walking home. and I promise not to get onto any busy roads or anything. We'll take the scenic route." Kevin argued.

Edd sighed. "I had already planned on receiving a ride from Eddy. It would be rude…"

"Yeah, about that," The shortest boy started, "Me and Ed were going to go see a movie after school." Edd felt a small pang in his chest. They had planned to do something without him. It wasn't the first time, but they never even consulted him. Eddy could read his friend easily. "Hey, don't be like that." He teasingly pulled on his friend's beanie. Not enough to pull it off, but enough to get Edd's attention. "You wouldn't like the movie anyway, 'sides, you've been way to busy prepping for college."

Edd didn't feel any better, he felt like he was being left behind. It hit him that soon, they would no longer be together like this. "I… I understand Eddy." He turned to Kevin, not looking him in the eyes, for fear of tears escaping his cobalt eyes. "Um, Kevin, I believe, I will accept that offer." He quickly wiped his face before looking the red-haired boy squarely in his forest green eyes. "However, you will not go above the posted speed limit." Before he lost his nerve, he quickly stood and left the cafeteria behind him. His eyes stinging, and his heart breaking.

Eddy, Ed, and Kevin watched as the lanky boy walked away. "Ya' know, you're not fooling us." Eddy poked Kevin with his fork earning a glare.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Kevin was rubbing his arm where he almost got skewered.

Eddy sighed, and his expression softened. "Just don't hurt him Shovelchin." The red head was shocked but listened anyway. "Edd, he, well, he's tough, but he wears his heart on his sleeve." He looked Kevin in the eyes. "So, if you hurt him, don't think I wouldn't kill you in a heartbeat."

Kevin laughed at the statement. Not cruelly, just ironically. "Dude, you don't have to worry about that from me." He put his fist out across the table. "That's a promise." Eddy eyed the closed fist and smiled. "Deal." He pounded the fist with his own. The promise made between the two boys.

Ed just watched on smiling happy that everything was coming together. "Everybody is going to live happily ever after." He cried out happily.

AN: So I missed posting a chapter yesterday. I’m sorry. Here’s 2 to make up for it. I’m sorry. Don’t hate me. Although, I’m pretty sure I’ve only had a couple of people actually read the first chapter. Anyway, later!

[natsthinkitythinkthinkthonk]

Mental Health in Anime - Rant + Vitamin (Manga) - Thoughts

Sorry for the random capslock. I do that when I’m really livid.

Trigger warning: This post mentions mental illness including depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, and eating disorders. It mentions suicide and assault that may make some readers uncomfortable.

I wanted to keep this safe for the guidelines, but I also didn’t want to shy away from these topics because I know how hard these things hit sometimes, and I don’t want to shy away from things like these anymore. These topics all have a huge place in my life which I advocate for, and I wouldn’t want to downplay it.

For the first time in a VERY long time, I read a manga series. Series meaning three chapters. I have commitment issues. Lots of them. Anyway, I read it thinking, “I want to read a series that addresses mental health in a more realistic way”. Why do I say that? Well, for now, I’m going to rant about anime and mental health as a whole. After that, I will get to the manga I just read. It won’t be a review as much as it’ll be the thoughts I had on it.

Well, shounen anime I’ve watched and the stuff that’s directed towards me definitely doesn’t touch mental health often. You can see below that shounen manga will do ANYTHING ELSE BUT THAT. Usually, it’s shoujo manga that gets into emotional territory, and sometimes, I watch it for stuff like that. I don’t want to watch something that tells me to man up all the time or that friendship is everything or that I can have superpowers and be admired by people out there all the time. When it comes down to it, sometimes I want characters that I can relate to on a more intimate level. I want to feel like I can have a heart-to-heart with them without someone out there laughing at me. I don’t want to cry tears that are laughed at. But even then, a whole lot of the time, I don’t see mental health interpreted well in anime.

Well, let’s see... as a general overview, let’s see what I’ve seen in depictions of shounen and shoujo anime/manga:

Shounen manga: 

CHILDHOOD TRAUMA IS NORMAL. DEAL THE F**K WITH IT. HAD YOUR PARENTS KILLED? ME TOO. BEEN MURDERED? ME TOO. I’M DEAD. IN FACT, I’VE MURDERED PEOPLE. Mental health? They can barely keep their regular health in order. The only treatment you need is friendship speeches and training montages. Trauma makes you stronger even if it breaks you with no one there to help you. It’s alright until you’re dead.

Examples: - The entire cast of Naruto ~ Yeah, Naruto’s an orphan, his village hates him, he was bullied, he made through his childhood struggles by making it through mischief. Sasuke had his entire family killed by his brother. I can go on. - BNHA Class ~ Attacked by villains? Who gives a f**k, you’re aiming to become heroes. Please, we already spent the budget on those costumes. No one needs help. Hell, we spent our health budget on Deku’s bones. No complaints.  - Mirai Nikki ~ I know it’s like all other manga where they give it the excuse that it’s the point of the series, but we all know both Yukki and Yuno are not healthy.

Shoujo manga: 

Your beloved what’s-his-face will come running in to save your butt because we know that real help is an illusion. Issues can be solved if you fall in love... obviously.

Too many examples to list. Let’s move on.

Bad Examples:

This is just my opinion. Maybe you think this series interpreted it well, but for at least the first part of the series, all of these did not.

Soul Eater: Death the Kid

I know it’s supposed to be funny, but come on, the guy needs help. No one addresses it. It bothered me the whole time I was watching the show. I think you can make me laugh without making fun of OCD. 

I think you can leave Crona agender WITHOUT forcing pronouns onto them. Seriously, some people think that Crona’s gender is a joke. I’m still not over the fact Funimation thought that “he/him” was the most gender-neutral they can get.

Literally Watamote’s existence

It’s about a person with social anxiety? See? It’s funny. Because... they’re socially awkward... and anxious... I don’t get it.

The Beginning of Watashi ga Motete Dousunda

NOW, THIS. THIS IS THE REASON WHY I DIDN’T WANT TO EVEN TOUCH THIS ANIME.

How is “losing a ton of weight randomly” healthy? Or even more beyond that, her dreams come true once she does? Uh... for a comedic reason? Hmm... that’s not a very good reason. I think we ought to deal with eating disorders in a better way than this.

Bungou Stray Dogs: Osamu Dazai

There are many reasons why I was uneasy with Bungou Stray Dogs for a while. Dazai was practically the sole reason. I get that Asagiri (the creator) wanted to dodge the interpretation of real-life Dazai’s suicidal tendencies but his anguish came from literal turmoil and struggle. We learn that Dazai’s does too, but it’s portrayed in such a superficial way, and while I do that too as a coping mechanism, I completely understand when people say they will never touch Bungou Stray Dogs because Dazai sets a bad precedence. I personally do not like the way that they chose to go about this. It’s one of the reasons why I actually don’t like Dazai as much as others do.

Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei

I understand that this is a weird Studio Shaft series, but joking about suicide to this extent made me find it a bit distasteful. 

Good/Better Examples:

These ones tried and did a slightly better job than the ones before. I didn’t comment on the ones I haven’t watched.

A Silent Voice

This story is about a depressed and suicidal man who tries to atone for his past deeds and sins. It’s a beautifully adapted movie, an arguably better manga, and it’s just a masterpiece.

Yuri!!! On Ice

The main force working against our protagonist is himself, or more specifically, his anxiety. As an older figure skater, he has a tough time with his self-image, handling his nerves, etc. I relate.

School-Live!

Yuki lives in a lie and has problems facing the truth about her reality. This is arguably played off as a horror trope, but I found it pretty well-done.

Your Lie in April

The character deals with past trauma with the abuse of his deceased mother. 

Tsuritama

It properly and accurately interprets social anxiety as a kid who keeps moving has to introduce himself over and over again. He feels like he’s drowning and gets pulled up into fishing with his friends as he tries to learn how to handle his stresses with the people around him.

Anohana

The cast has a ton of problems dealing with their past trauma and has no choice but to face it by all means necessary. They didn’t get proper help even though they should’ve.

Monster

Orange

March Comes in Like a Lion

This boy overcomes past trauma and stress by relying on those close to him.

Psycho-Pass

Fullmetal Alchemist

This deals with everything from our characters’ past trauma to post-partum depression (the first time I have ever seen it interpreted in an anime and a SHOUNEN anime at that). 

Vitamin - Thoughts (BELOW)

I read this manga knowing that it contained content to do with mental health, and honestly, I don’t think it had enough time to fully flesh out its capabilities. Its THREE-CHAPTER run was super fast. And it was heavy. And I mean HEAVY. The art was done powerfully. The contents of the story weren’t filtered; it wasn’t held back.

We deal with a character who’s on top of the world with friends, a boyfriend, good studying habits, but it spirals out of control fast.

This anime deals with many untouchable topics such as the risk of suicide, mental illness, (I swear I’m gonna get flagged) s**ual assault, eating disorders, drug abuse, and probably a few other things that I missed.

This hit me and had me having feelings like the little bitch I am. Holy cow cakes. I was reading this with my mom in the same room just trying to not look like the little poop I am. That stuff hit so hard and so close to home. 

You think it’s too out there to really be true, but I don’t think so. At my old school, we definitely had stuff like that.

The growth of this character was rushed, and even if it’s slightly exaggerated, I empathized and felt her pain because bro, I’ve kinda (not to that extent) been there too. It dealt with her attempt, drug abuse, assault, bulimia, and everything. It was blinding, hurtful, and it tears open wounds like no tomorrow.

This isn’t even this mangaka’s first time at it. She has written quite a bit of heavy shoujo stuff.

The ending felt so satisfying. This manga wasn’t eye-opening in ways that it might be for some people. I have been to places like those. I know how it feels. I know other people have been there too, but to see it so rawly interpreted into a manga-format for people to read, that was unexpected. Overall, it was a really well-done manga. In a way, I wish it was longer so it would be a bit more realistic in some ways, but at the same time, I’m not sure how much longer I would’ve lasted. 

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

1. Hello, I was hoping you could type to help me find my MBTI and Enneagram type. Some basic info; I'm 32, and female. I also have OCD, I'm quiet and rarely talk in public unless spoken to. Mostly because I'm afraid I'll accidentally upset someone, or be misunderstood, unless a topic is hit I feel the need to to challenge/call out (striking a nerve with something I know/believe to be true, or messing with someone I care about. I can lose it fast if I let myself). I'm more me at home/online. ~M

2. I care about harmony with people I'm close to, or care for/respect. I'll still try to maintain harmony generally, but don't care if it disrupts if I don't care about the person/people. I do find it harder to put my foot down, at least online anyway (Not sure about real life, since this type of situation hasn't really come up) if someone is nice to me, but then starts to behave annoyingly or inappropriately. I will reach a breaking point, and ether abruptly be honest, or let them have it. ~M

3. I do tend to be emotional, but don't really present it in public, unless something major is going on, not so much because I don't feel it, but I just tend to be so nervous, that I become rather stoic, even when I'm have a good time. I don't know how to bring everything I feel inside out, though I'm much better at this one on one with someone I trust, then in public. I tend to base my decisions on my values. Like in online games, if I wouldn't do it in real life, I won't do it in the game. ~M

4. I can spend hours fantasizing about characters, creating my own adventures/characters. I love to cosplay as characters in virtual world games, and would do so in real life too if I had the money/drive to actually do it. I can spend a long time running through imaginary conversations in my head, like what might happen if I say this to this person/character, imaging how they might respond, next thing I know I've spent 10 min- 1 hour going though a conversation that will likely never happen. ~M

5. When I get motivation to cook, I love trying out versions of recipes I've modified or created. I can look at a recipe, and think, "I don't like that ingredient, let's leave that out, or replace it with this one". I can keep going, till the recipe barely resembles what it was originally. I do this with things like crafting, video game theories, how the future might go, if I won the lottery, or if I took up this career. Not hard set things, but what ifs, imagining how might my life look. ~M

6. I tend to notice movement, or unusual sounds. But don't know if this is me, or due to my Father, who use to work in law enforcement, always tells me to be aware of surroundings. I notice a lot, but never as much as he does. But I can only do this from afar, in person I don't make eye contact well, and don't watch people as much, cause I worry they'll think I'm weird for watching them, or watch me. I have underlying anxiety especially at night, don't know if that's my OCD, or a me thing. ~M

7. I can judge things hastily, an example that happened just the other day. A distant family member on FB posted 52 horses would be sent to slaughterer the next day, if not taken in, so I rushed to all the sites I could think of, news media, rescue sites, etc. Asking for help. A few hours later, I was informed by my sister, that this was old news still going around, and the actual event happened in 2011! (The horses were saved by the way ^_^) I felt stupid, especially since I didn't think to ~

8. check for validity. I assumed getting it from someone I knew, and the post from the story linked making it look like they were the person trying to save them, made me feel dumb I didn't think to check it. Since I a try to have sources when posting my own topics. I did go through and let everyone know that I contacted, that it was an old story, and apologized. And no harm came of it, thank goodness. I think I've gone on enough, this was even cut in half. Let me know If you need more. ~M-----------

Hi anon,

I started to go by this piece by piece but I think a short answer to it all is more effective which is: I’ll admit to not being an expert in OCD by any means and if this is an effect of it or if there are comorbid factors then please let me know but...I’m a little bit younger than you and I was mostly struck by how thoroughly almost all of this was about things that are entirely online and a little bit about cooking. And for typing, you really need to talk about your real life experience - work, relationships (not necessarily romantic ones - just face-to-face interpersonal relationships), and the decisions you have made around them. If that’s the half that got cut out, that would be the one to consider, not this, and feel free to send it. If that other half is also about online stuff, think about what you do in real life. And if you don’t do much there, that will make it really hard to type you and in general for you to know much about yourself.

[ghostmartyr]

Right, this is pretty steeped in fandom stuff, so for the anons in the back who think that’s an invitation to continually send me hate over having feelings, you’ve misunderstood our relationship (again), and also do not. I just need a release valve.

What’s stupid is that I need people. I will abandon schedules for five more minutes of conversation. The only reason I write at all is so that maybe someone will talk to me. I sink into depression in two minutes flat with some friends if conversation starters go unheard. I can have a good day of socializing, and the second the people go away, it’s like it never happened. I need more.

Except I’m also deeply emotionally unstable and vulnerable. In fandom in particular, I currently have a long list of stuff that sets me off. I do what I can to not go near, then ah, surprise, this blog you thought was okay hit a sore point, you’re alone forever no one thinks like you even the people who like the stuff you do don’t agree with you, you’re just alone and nothing is ever going to change with that.

It’s such a fucking mess. I’m desperate for people, and most of the ones I find are ones I simply can’t be around. This last month especially (bite me, it’s an issue) has been hell. I can’t go into fandom tags. I can barely go to friends’ blogs. The only time I feel halfway stable is when I’m alone with my own thoughts, and I enjoy my hobbies my way.

And that’s great. ...For people who can have that be enough. For me it’s just not. My feelings don’t feel real unless I share them with other people, and I feel like I’ve lost every venue I can do that in, because I’m just too much of a psychological wreck.

It sucks? I want to have fun. I like cartoons and comics. I like stories. What other people think about them shouldn’t bother me, but other people are the thing that makes me tick. I joke about disagreeing with everyone, but it’s not... wrong. And for the things I enjoy the most, those disagreements are enough to ruin the whole interaction.

So I don’t try to go anywhere new, because I have piles of evidence going over why I’m not healthy enough to risk it. Every time I slip and break that rule, it’s one more piece. Meanwhile, every time I try someone familiar and cross my fingers, I strike out badly enough that I make despondent posts instead of slitting my wrists, and yeeeah, that’s the actual train of thought that I went through before typing this.

People are just bad for me. I’m at my most stable when I’m outside, alone, in the middle of the night, playing Pokemon Go. That’s the only time I feel like I can breathe.

But ah. I’m fucking lonely?

That’s not an invitation, because like I said, people are minefields for me right now. And of the small handful I’m okay with, I’m the kind of lonely where the only thing that makes a dent is 24/7 constant communication.

For many, many reasons, that’s not feasible.

It’s good, I guess, to recognize your problems, but I don’t really have any solutions. My experiments with trying to make more friends (and if you’re reading this it is probably not about you, I don’t vague about people I have conversations with; the embarrassment alone would keep that from happening) end with me wanting to blow a hole in my head.

It’s like... okay, I’m lonely. But I keep finding communities that make me feel even more alone. It’s one thing to feel lonely when you’re isolated, but stepping outside and realizing that all of the places you thought would be a good fit are on completely the wrong wavelength?

That’s where suicide starts feeling like the only option. Being alone as a choice is easier than being alone because you don’t fit.

By at least one definition, I’m an extrovert. People give me energy. Being alone at all makes me miserable.

Look, I was dreading the third season coming out for more reasons than I will ever have the nerve to admit publicly. I’ve spent months wanting to die just from that (again, not a healthy person here).

But I thought I’d get to be part of that energy for it. As bad as I knew my head would make it, I was also aware, on some level, that there would be some really cool stuff for me to love.

Except for a lot of reasons that people can infer (and twenty more that I would rather die than provide hints to (that turn of phrase is terrible when you’re suicidal and me; all I can think whenever I type it is, “well yes, I’d rather die than most things”)), I can’t go anywhere near fandom right now.

This huge explosion of enthusiasm, and if I try to touch it, I’m going to get burned. Just because of what my head is doing to me. I’m sensitive to all the wrong things. I’m like a kid with a candy allergy on Halloween.

Sometimes I feel like the answer to all my problems is, “just Get Well.”

If I were healthy, depression would have fewer pits to hide in. If I were healthy, I would have the energy to resist the OCD. If I were healthy, I would have a life outside the internet and the things that happen here wouldn’t feel so overwhelming. If I were healthy, things would work the way they’re supposed to.

I’m not. I’m not even in a stable state of unhealthy. That’s what doctors are for. And meds. I just need to be patient, hang in there, and wait to be healthy, and then it’ll be okay, and I can enjoy a comic book without thinking about slitting my throat. Right? That sounds good. That sounds like a thing I want.

It’s also not working. Things are deteriorating, and there’s nothing anyone can do. There’s nothing terminal wrong, just a million things that won’t work, and that no one has figured out how to fix.

I can’t make friends and can’t watch a cartoon without it triggering suicidal urges. Not thoughts. Active urges.

This post isn’t intended as a downspiral of angst, it’s me being at a loss. I exercise. I spend time in sunlight. I do everything I can to not curl up under my bed all day. I take the recommended pills. I put the therapy techniques I’ve been taught into practice.

And none of it is working well enough.

I’m not going to kill myself, but in defense of myself for wanting to, it is not an insane decision, just one that makes people besides me uncomfortable. If I had something terminal, or if I were someone’s pet, euthanasia would be encouraged.

But I’m human, and unless my suicidal urges have a ticking clock counting off how long I can resist them, I’m not terminal. This is a life I have to survive.

Here’s a thing, which I don’t think anyone really likes talking about. When you’re at the point where the only thing you can hold on to is fictional, everyone rolls their eyes or says with alarm that that’s not normal. Those are the nice reactions. If you invest yourself in fiction, you’re a child, and having real emotions about fake stuff is for mockery.

...I’m gonna pause for a second. Yeah, I’m dangerously emotionally and psychologically unhealthy, but. stories are supposed to make you connect to them. That’s what they’re intended for. Overreactions exist and all, but if you’re not having an emotional response to a story, the author’s failed. The whole art of crafting a story is getting a person to care. Making fun of people for participating makes zero sense.

Like... because I’m guessing anyone who’s going to send me hate already has at this point... “ha ha, this person’s upset because the thing they enjoyed isn’t enjoyable anymore!”

How dare people want to have fun. With the thing they’re spending their free time on.

Stories are selfish. Authors and audiences are all after things they, personally, want, and the fact that people are still acting like they’re somehow above all of that is laughable. Fiction is an instrument of greed. A reader reads something because of what they want. A writer writes something because of what they want. If you’re lucky, those wants line up, but for crying out loud, creation and consumption of fiction is ludicrously selfish.

It’s inventing or looking for a world tailored to your personal desires. What part of that screams objective altruism. That is the exact opposite of the point. Everyone involved is greedy and self-indulgent. The fact that some people remember themselves well enough to have manners about it doesn’t change what it is.

...Yes, I know I’m making it obvious why I have such a problem making friends shut up.

Anyway, back to my sad melodrama.

My thing is that my life is so endlessly unbearable that even something made up can’t go right. When you’re sad enough you’re counting on a fantasy made by someone else to improve your reality, you’re already kind of screwed.

When even something that small can’t go right?

How in the hell are you supposed to think anything else will?

There’s this line in IGPX where the antagonist team is going out of their way to get into the protagonist’s head. It’s something to the effect of, “you can’t even let him win a video game?” Dude’s playing a fun little game during his off time, antagonist sweeps in and ruins it.

One candle in a dark room casts a lot of light. Even like. a birthday candle. Small, pathetic, but compared to the darkness? Night and day.

Snuff that out, and there’s really nothing. Just a whole lot of black.

My candle’s mostly occupied giving me wax burns at the moment.

In conclusion my mental health is broken I want a new one.

[mychemicalrant]

An Autism Reflection

I am going to do a write up of childhood and adult observations about why I think I might be on the spectrum. It’s a little TL;DR, sorry.

When I was a kid I had trouble understanding the concept of familial and friend love. My friends would say “I love you” and I’d always saw “ewww, you can’t love me!” in response. It took me many years to understand the concept of love applied to family and friends and more years still to decide whether I loved other people. I can now say that I love my dad and that is very obvious but I can’t say I love any other biological family members just because they are biologically related. When I got married, I met many people in my partner’s family that I can say I love on a personal level but I don’t feel “love” simply because I am now legally related to someone.

Love as a feeling doesn’t come naturally to me and it certainly didn’t come easily as a social concept. You are supposed to say “love” in social contexts even when you don’t feel it because love isn’t so much a feeling as it is a social handshake of sorts, I suppose. But I do think for many people love comes from a real place in them. When I was a kid the thought of claiming to feel an emotion I did not feel was utterly incomprehensible. If I seemed hurtful this may have been why. I didn’t attack others on purpose but if I seemed insensitive it came from the fact that I did not understand why we had to display affection when we didn’t feel it. I would always make the grandmother I didn’t see very often cry and I never knew why. I guess that’s why? I feel extremely uncomfortable opening gifts in front of others because I am afraid I will have to perform excitement and not be able to. I hate weddings and funerals because I honestly don’t give a shit about the emotional context but everyone expects you to put on a display of sadness or joy or whatever and I don’t even feel that, let alone want to display it.

One time I went to the dentist for a filling on a bottom tooth and he numbed the spot but found when he went to work on it that it wasn’t numbed. Some other part of my jaw had gotten numbed instead. This went on for two more shots until we finally got the right spot numbed and he told me I had crossed nerves. My emotions are the same way. Funerals and death barely seem to phase me (I cried for maybe 5 minutes when I found out my mom had died when I was ten) but I’ll genuinely cry over some random thing.

I often can’t identify my emotions at all, although I am working on this. As a Pagan I had explained this as having a closed heart chakra. As a personality enthusiast I had explained this as being an INTJ or an Enneagram 5 and therefore bad at emotions. But the more I studied these things the more I realized something still wasn’t getting answered. INTJs are stereotyped as being effective, successful, and driven people despite preferring introversion. That’s not...really me. But INTPs are stereotyped as being scattered and flexible and I need to have routines and obsess over increments of things such as time, money, or resources. I am very internally organized and this extends to the outer world as well. I get frustrated going off the plan or making changes or not being able to account for something because a new variable came up. But since discovering that I might be on the spectrum it actually feels like a puzzle piece snapping into place. My whole life makes sense, even (and especially) the things I have been made to feel ashamed about.

Having autism means you process and prioritize information differently, and for high functioning females this can be hard to identify at first. I made it through school okay. I didn’t have any significant learning difficulties except being extraordinarily bad at math (like, took pre-algebra four times from 7th grade to college bad) and having to do a Title 1 remedial reading course in elementary school. I didn’t have trouble focusing and I excelled at writing tasks. I had extreme struggles learning things I had no interest in but managed to get good enough grades anyway. I was easy enough to get along with and although I didn’t have any friends at school until 9th grade I made it by okay. (Most of my friends were male or tomboys and always 1-3 years younger than me.)

Dating, socializing, and friend-making were never easy for me but I didn’t think this indicated that I had a disability in these areas. I had always assumed I was just really bad at it? Like, I share no interests with other people and am genuinely not interested in other people. As a kid I was desperate to play with other kids but couldn’t bridge the social gap to ask and would only play with one close friend at a time when I did have friends. But as an adult I keep to myself pretty much. I didn’t really think this was an indicator of a disability or cognitive situation because I had just accepted it as a part of my life. My interests are intense, particular, and not always popular. My interests are also geared for the wrong demographic compared to what I am. People and socializing are utterly boring to me. I prefer solitary tasks. So on and so forth. It wasn’t until I hit post college that I started to realize I had a real problem, which will be its own post.

When I’m honest with myself, I feel mentally at the age of twelve. I fixate and obsess over things well below my age group. When I was in my twenties I figured, well, your twenties are like an extended teenage time, right? But then I hit thirty and realized this is when you need to start showing the world that you are an adult. Drink mimosas and don’t do it through a straw. Know what an IRA is and know how to climb the corporate ladder. Don’t fixate on t-shirts and small collectable objects. Don’t obsess over tiny objects in the shape of US states. Stop hyperfocusing on the color of everybody’s eyelashes. Care about babies and home ownership and marriage.

I’m learning some fascinating things about girls on the spectrum. A lot of girls with Asperger’s have issues with gender identity and feel out of place in a woman’s life or with female gender roles. Girls with autism have a special challenge in life, because female gender roles are socially dependent in a way that male roles aren’t. Boys are taught to be independent and girls are taught to form social groups. Right out of the gate girls are being trained to be social-minded, which in one sense means girls are essentially getting autism therapy right from birth, which may explain why girls with Asperger’s don’t display traits in the same way that boys do. But as girls grow up they tend to respond to the challenges of being autistic in different ways. A primary way that I’ve come to learn through my research is to cope by mimicking the behavior of those around them and giving the appearance of understanding and performing those roles.

However, I think there’s another coping mechanism, and it’s the one I’ve chose. I’ve coped by more or less shunning social expectations and finding myself in male dominated spaces like video games and anime, etc. Nerd spaces are safe for a reason because it allows us both to indulge in our love of fantasy and world-building and also to fixate on something that isn’t sexually or socially driven. If you think about it, neurotypical gender interests stem from sex and signalling that one is sexually available. For women, it’s beauty and fashion and displays of attractiveness. For men, it’s sports and cars and other things that signal masculinity and strength. But for people with autism sexual stuff can get lost in translation so I have chosen to ignore those roles and not perform them at all, much to the chagrin of my parents growing up.

I shave my head in the bathroom sink for convenience. I never wear makeup (primarily because I can’t stand the sensation of goopy shit on my skin but also because I see absolutely no point in it). My clothes are mostly practical and comfortable. I can only wear breathable fabrics so tight frilly blouse-type fabrics are torture and I have only worn them a handful of times in my life. I wore bras only when I had to and went without most of the time. I never thought about the role that sensory sensitivities played in my dressing decisions but they are 100 percent the reason behind all the decisions I make, second only now to my OCD intolerance of fabrics that drape and touch nearby objects as I pass. Anyway, I’m not pretty but I am practical and functional.

I may not have stated that I felt inundated by a sea of sensory overload until I realized why that is. One thing I have done to cope is to fixate. As a kid I fixated on seemingly little things like sequins or collectable items I wanted. When I fixate on acquiring something (food, objects, whatever) I can tune out other things like how I’m feeling uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I still do this and at 31 years old I fixate more or less on the same things I did as a kid. One thing of fascination to me is colors, especially objects that come in many colors. Christmas lights is my earliest example of this, but as an adult it could explain my love of crystals. All crystals are rocks but they come in many colors and I love this so much. As a kid I was obsessed with tiny colored boxes. As an adult I went to The Container Store and bought them in every color. I’m still. You guys. I love colors so much.

I use food as a stim mechanism. At restaurants I feel almost entirely overwhelmed by the fluctuating environment of people moving and spinning and crawling all around you, plates being shoved into and out of your face, servers touching you and reaching over you, lights and sounds and crap. But I never noticed I was feeling so anxious by this (or I just chalked it up to my OCD) until I realized that the only thing I can willfully focus on when at a restaurant is the food. When is the food coming when is the food coming when is the food coming when is the food coming food is here food is here eat eat eat quick get it over with so we can leave why is the check taking so long I’ll have another piece of bread etc. I find myself eating even when I don’t want to out of the compulsive and comforting motion of reaching back and forth to my mouth, chewing, and so on. I used to overeat as a kid out of boredom but now I hardly eat at all because I get distracted and forget. I didn’t think of myself as a stimmer, though. The kind of stimming where people know that’s what you’re doing because you are rocking or otherwise zoned out in some very obvious movement that doesn’t fit the social context. Because I wasn’t doing that, I didn’t realize that what I was actually doing was stimming. Bouncing my leg so furiously that people thought I was convulsing. Picking my skin for hours. Constantly having my hands at my mouth or picking at some fabric or fraying the paper label on a bottle. I am almost always stimming in some fashion or another but the stims are pretty subtle. I mean, everyone clicks pens, right? Drinking and eating are stims and I often have a coffee when I go out because the act of raising the straw to my mouth gives me a physical action to do that comforts and calms me. There’s a lot to say on this topic so I’ll just move on for now. My point is, for females with high functioning autism it isn’t always obvious by male autistic behavioral standards because we have learned many masking techniques or just took the hit and identified as nerdy or non-binary or asexual or some other label that we thought explained it. The more I dig, though, the more I am amazed at how much of me stems from this potential. It’s heavy, though. I have a cousin with low functioning autism (we didn’t use that word back then; you know which word we used) and to realize I might be on the same spectrum is something to sit with, for sure. But it’s also a profound relief to think that all of these things aren’t my fault. I drove my parents absolutely insane growing up and always felt so much shame for it. They blamed me for not performing socially appropriate behavior or performing at my age level socially and now, to think there might be a reason for it is profoundly liberating and heals me on such a deep level. I can feel the Maniac Magee knot of self-hatred and loathing and blame starting to untangle at last.It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault.

[simplyrali]

Hope Chapter 4 (Jameron fanfiction)

Chapter 4

When Cameron woke the next morning, the spot next to her on the bed was empty. She ran her hand through the pillow, inhaled deeply and blinked a few times. Cam pulled her covers higher, it was the beginning of the autumn and in the mornings the air was chill.

She got up, ran her hands through her locks and checked the weather outside through the window. Yes, it was sunny, but the warmth that the sun rays provided was almost nonexistent, and windy. Cam put her blanket around her shoulders and with bare feet stepped out of the bedroom.

Joe had always been an early riser. Maybe he went for a morning run?

Her whole kitchen smelled like heaven. He, God bless him, had made her coffee. After the wine last night it really was a pleasant surprise and something that she desperately needed. When she got to it it was already cold but that didn’t matter. Cam took a sip.

Sweet, just like she liked it. He remembered.

Last night… Memories flooded back. She smiled and then took a big gulp of her mug.

It was a great morning indeed.

Cameron heard some rustling outside. She opened the front door and there he was.

Joe sat on one of her chairs on the deck, sipping from his coffee, glasses on the bridge of his nose, and reading newspaper. Every now and then he lifted his head and stared into the distance, just admiring the view.

Cam crossed the threshold, closed the door behind her and leaned against it. That got his attention and he looked at her. Her eyes looked so big, her cheeks were rosy and hair still a mess after their lovemaking.

Both smiled.

“What the hell are you doing outside? It’s freezing out here.” Cam said, pulling closer her blanked.

“Good morning to you, too,” Joe closed his newspaper and took off his classes. “How did you sleep?”

“Well, we didn’t sleep much, did we?” she laughed.

“No, I guess we did not.” He grinned.

Joe pulled the other chair closer and motioned for her to sit down.

“You know, I forgot how pretty it was out here.” He took her left hand and intertwined their fingers together. His eyes feasted on all the green and light around them.

“Just wait a few more weeks. In the autumn everything here turns a thousand shades of yellow, red and orange. The whole damn horizon becomes golden.”

Joe looked in her eyes, what she said finally sinking it.

Destiny.

“Golden horizon, huh?” he chuckled. Soon the chuckle turned into full laughter, his shoulders shaking with the motion. He brought their linked hands to his lips and kissed hers gently, his eyes sparkling.

“What’s so funny?” Cam asked, amused by his sudden behavior.

“Nothing. Just some time ago I received a sign from above that I didn’t expect to be quite so… literal.”

“Okay…” Cameron gave him a look that spoke volumes, she thought he completely lost it.

Maybe he did, maybe he really was crazy. Believing in things in tarot cards and searching for meaning where there’s probably none, sometimes made him question his own sanity.

But that faith brought him hope.

She brought him back here.    

Joe got up and pulled her for a quick kiss.

“Let’s get inside, your hands are cold.”  

“So what exactly do you do at Phoenix?” Joe asked while chewing his steak.

He and Cam were having lunch in the kitchen. Both were sitting face to face on her small wooden table. Underneath it their feet were touching.

“Well, we’ve created an AI game. But it’s not just a game, it’s a whole world,” she put down her utensils and started explaining using her hands as she usually did when she got excited. “You register online, choose a character, customize it however you want – you can change not only his appearance, but give him qualities, talents or certain habits. Then he can meet and live with all these other characters, which are created by other people. It’s like in real life, they create relationships, make decisions and face the consequences afterwards. But, you see, it’s not just the players making choices, the character, based on what characteristics you’ve given him, can make his own decisions or… changes in the environment can push him in certain direction and he creates memories and tries to learn from his mistakes and… And the player sometimes just has to catch up, to adapt… ” Cameron finished a little out of breath.

“Wow, that’s amazing. So… it’s self-learning?” he seemed intrigued.

“Yeah, pretty cool, huh?” she smiled proudly.

“But you’re just using it in games right now, right? Can you imagine what difference it could make if you make the algorithm compatible with robotics or it can be used in medicine and if you could do that then - ”

“Whoa, okay, Joe, we’re not going there.” Cameron furrowed her eyebrows and started to get up.

“Where? We’re just talking…” he looked confused.

“Yeah, it always starts like that and then you start pushing and…” she shook her head. “It doesn’t matter, the point is, I like where I’m now and I’m happy with it. ”

“But AI –” Joe tried.

“Is awesome and, yes, it could be more. But I like creating that, I like the company that I have and I like the people that I work with. I don’t want it to be more, at least not for now.”

He was quiet for a few seconds.

“You’re right. This is your thing, I won’t mess with it.” Joe lowered his head.

She loudly exhaled and then closed the distance between them with a few steps.

“Look I like hearing your opinion, I really do,” she sat in his lap with arms around his neck. “I just don’t want us to make the same mistakes over and over again. We know how this ends.”

Joe nodded. He understood but he couldn’t help it. He always liked technology, it was in his blood, and all these possibilities of what it can do and what it can become excited him.

Technology was the future.

Cameron kissed him on the cheek trying to distract him.

“What about you?” she whispered against his ear.

“Huh?”

“Work. You left Armonk and your job as a teacher there. What are you going to do now? ” She got up and went to the sink to fill herself a glass of water.

“I thought I could try at the University of San Francisco. I liked teaching but I think I’d like my students to be a little bit older. You know, not driven so much by hormones…” he laughed.

“That’s great. With your rich history in tech business I’m sure they’d accept you without a second thought. With a little luck you can be in Haley’s classes.”

“She’s amazing, isn’t she? She’ll run Silicon Valley one day.” He smiled.

“I know, right? You should see her latest project. It’s… next level. She’s years ahead from where I was at her age. I guess that is to be expected with both her parents being geniuses and all…”

“She’s precious little thing, she and Joanie both. I wish she just took some things easier, you know… who she is.”

“That she’s gay? Everybody already knows,” Cam laughed. “The big conversation never really happened, everyone just felt it, you know, some mutual understanding. Last Christmas she brought a girl, Lily, but they broke up pretty fast.”

“Lily, huh, she wrote me about her. She never mentioned bringing her home though…”Joe got up and started putting the dishes in the sink. When he finished he got the sponge in one hand and…

“Joe, what are you doing?” Cameron put her hands on her waist and raised an eyebrow.

“Doing the dishes?” he answered uncertainly.

“No, just… no. Put them in the dishwasher.”

“I don’t see what the problem is. I like doing them –“

“The problem is your obsession with the way they should be washed. It drove me nuts how you watched me in the hands every fucking time I did the dishes. Always looking over my shoulder.”

“Obsession? It’s not obsession, it’s just when you move the sponge in clockwise motion - ”

“Put. Them. In. The dishwasher. ”  

“- the grease doesn’t spread and it protects the top layer of the utensil.”

“You’re an OCD freak, you know. Just put them in the dishwasher,  relax and spend more time with me.” She tried with more gentle approach.

He turned completely towards her. They had to have that conversation sooner or later.

Sooner it was.

“Fine, but you’ll put earphones every time you work and won’t blast music through the entire house.” He stood his ground.

She rolled her eyes.

“First of all, my music is cool. Second, it’s not that loud…”

“You’re loud! Everything you do is loud! Put earphones!” He insisted and crossed his arms.

“Fine! Jesus… ”

“And the right side of the bed is mine.” Joe continued.

“Are you serious, Joe?  I sleep there, that’s where the window is.”

“It’s more comfortable for me since I turn to sleep on my left side.”

“Okay, I guess if you piss me off I’ll just open the window in the middle of the night and hope for the best! I have one condition though, you won’t put that ugly painting in our bedroom again.” She crossed her arms too not willing to back down.

“That’s art.” His lips were pursed in a straight line.

“It’s just three ugly black lines that cross. That’s it.”

“Okay, fine! I’ll put it in my office!”

“Great!”

“Great!”

Both were staring at each other, a little pissed and out of breath it the moment, but glad that they had this out of the way.

“Maybe we should have done this the first time.” Joe laughed.

“Yeah, that would have saved us a lot of nerves,” Cameron agreed. “Hey, Joe. I know we’re different and it won’t be easy but let’s really try this time. You piss me off but I still love you.” She went, put her hands around his waist and buried her head in his shoulder as he held her.

“I love you too, Cam.” He said and kissed the top of her head.

“Great, now turn on that dishwasher and let’s go for a hike.”

Chapter 5 --- >> https://simplyrali.tumblr.com/post/167831911590/hope-chapter-5-jameron-fanfiction

[creatingpathstowander]

I don’t make personal posts super often, but I’m just too EXCITED.

I had a hearing checkup today, and it was the first time I’d ever been told that I might actually have a way to finally be able to hear like... like I wasn’t born deaf in my left ear. Without surgery or dental implants or anything, at that!

There’s a type of hearing aid called the CROS that has a microphone in the bad ear and a receiver in the good ear to imitate “regular” (binaural) hearing. It doesn’t work for everyone, and I might not even like it, but it’s a chance. A chance to get rid of so many of the things that make life just that little bit harder.

I can walk and talk with my friends without having to dodge through crowds to reposition myself so that everyone’s on my hearing side. I can talk to the driver of a car without having to smile and nod every time I miss something. I can walk with my sister and not have to have her listening for dangers I might miss. I can sit wherever I want in classrooms instead of having to make sure that my teacher is on my right side. I can listen to music and TV shows in stereo, with all the notes and nuances they’re supposed to have. I can actually notice when people call my name from across a room. I can locate where they’re calling me from and not have to look around the room randomly until they get close enough to touch me. I can go to the store or out with friends and not worry about missing anything important that’s happening on my left. I can stop being paranoid that people will unintentionally “sneak up” on me by coming up on my deaf side. I can stop constantly asking people to repeat themselves. I can be free from the specific anxieties that come with having to explain to people that no, I’m not ignoring them I’m partially Deaf and yes, you forgot which side I can hear out of again but it’s okay and no, I really can’t hear you whispering on my bad side, and so on and so forth.

Potentially.

There’s no guarantees or anything, of course. Some people say that it makes it harder to hear on the good side because there’s so much input coming in from the deaf side. Some say that’s just a fault of the doctor who fitted their hearing aid and not the product itself. Some people can’t handle the sudden change (I’ve been partially Deaf for almost 23 years, so I could well be one of those people). Some complain that it’s not yet perfected and swear they’ll wait another 10 years for the technology to advance further.

But some people swear it’s just like the real thing. Some say that they feel they can hear, like, 99% as well as before their one ear went deaf. Some say that it’s made their home and work lives infinitely easier.

Which is, in fact, why the governmental Vocational Rehabilitation Department that helps disabled people find and keep jobs will likely pay for the whole thing on the condition that it will help me become employed. I already have a case with them to help find a job that will accommodate my autism and OCD and whatnot, and now they can help with my hearing as well.

It’s not a sure thing by a long shot. We still have to talk to the VRD people. We still have to revisit my audiologist. We still have to try it out and see if it even works for me. We still have to cross our fingers and hope everything aligns.

But for the first time in almost 23 years, there’s a chance that I can stop feeling like an inconvenience to people every time I have to work around my weird hearing. There’s a chance I’ll have access to a whole set of experiences that I’ve been lowkey bitter about missing out on since middle school. There’s a chance that I’ll be able to “fix” my hearing without having to do a single invasive, uncomfortable, bone/ear/body altering thing. No surgeries, no implants, no going in and messing around with the nerves themselves -- just a hearing aid in my ears.

I haven’t let myself actually think about that possibility since I bought a pair of special stereo headphones that let me hear my computer in proper stereo. Even then, I was just getting excited about a thing I could use sometimes in some situations. This hearing aid! I could use it almost any time! In pretty much any situation! I’d hear stereo in my daily life and not just on my computer.

I know I’m getting ahead of myself, and I’m probably counting my chickens before they hatch, here. I know I’m getting way too hyped for a thing I barely spent 5 minutes researching after my audiologist’s 2 minute spiel on the purpose of the tech and my eligibility for it. I know I should be prepared for things to not work out.

But I am. just. too. frikking. EXCITED!!!

I could hear! Really hear with both ears! I’m freaking out! I had to share it online! Cause I’m so excited about the potential of this technology! I dunno if it’ll work --- but gods damn, do I hope it will!

[hopeishappinessff]

I have to say something because you a little too loyal to the soil. Why are you posting on your free time? Lol if you didn’t get around to it then you didn’t get around to it. We’re not paying you, but we probably should be 😫 but like you just always come through no matter what and it’s like we don’t even deserve it, especially when you work and have crazy work days but idk if you ever got added to takerra on fb but she got laid off her job right after releasing her latest book and...

Aww, I definitely appreciate this feedback, but... ‘Why are you posting on your free time?‘ When else am I supposed to post sis? 🤔 Lol No like, for real... the way I post is really just a personal choice, because I’m such an overly organized (OCD) person. I set a specific schedule for myself in order to stay organized and if I don’t maintain that, it’ll really freak me out. Lol Of course I’ve been all off my schedule lately because shit has been getting really real at work, but I’m trying to get better for the sake of my own nerves. 

And to be honest, I really just don’t want to be a ‘post when I can’ kind of writer because a lot of times that can cause you to lose the attention of your readers. It may not be a big deal to some, but you don’t understand how much it gets under my skin to take time out of my day to edit as best as I can (when I can), post something that I feel good and confident about, and get like 3 responses and maybe 5 or 6 notes. Of course I don’t mind editing, writing, and posting because it’s truly a passion of mine... but sometimes I have to ask myself, what’s the point of posting when I have around 200 followers and I barely get a handful of feedback? 🤷🏾‍♀️ So to sum it up, I just believe consistency is key. I’ve been feeling like because I have been so inconsistent lately, a bunch of my readers are falling off and idk... that does kind of bother me. 

That may have turned into a mini rant, but I hope I was able to answer your question! 😂 And I did start following Takerra on fb, but I didn’t know she got laid off. Did that happen recently?

[bellyelling]

i haven’t posted on this blog in who fucking knows how long, but i just need to write about what i’ve been experiencing so i can sort it out in my head and throw it into the void

ok so i’ll start.... from the beginning i guess. or the start, or the inception of my mental health issues because that’s really what this is about. was born into a middle-class family, the younger of two children. i obviously don’t remember my infancy, so i can’t be sure what happened then. but as far back as i can remember, my mother was... not great. aggressive - never physically, but very often emotionally and verbally. i remember a lot of screaming, a lot of being attacked for things i wasn’t sure i had even done, or for things i didn’t know were “wrong”. or wrong to her. i remember never feeling safe, especially around her, and then around my father, because he never once did anything or stepped in to defend myself or my sister. and this is where it gets tricky, because if, as a child, you never feel safe around your parents or protected by them... you don’t feel loved by them. so i’ve gone my whole life (i’m 20 now) without ever having felt loved. because if you never felt loved as a kid it’s gonna be pretty hard to ever feel loved as an adult. you never learned how. okay. that’s the beginning, now i’m gonna skip to the middle.

once i entered adolescence, probably around the time i entered middle school, i started having a lot more anxiety around social interaction. i had always had trouble relating and making friends, but adolescence is when that really started to weigh me down emotionally. every social situation was nerve-wracking, i felt like i had nowhere to go and fit in. and this is the case for a lot of middle schoolers, i know i was not special in this feeling of being afraid of not fitting in. but i think because of the added bit of never having felt loved, it may have been a deeper fear for me. regardless, i was never comfortable. i did end up forming a couple close friendships, but i always kept some distance. and then, around age 14, a couple things happened. one, i started to get hit with the beginning of what would become a three to four-year long bout of dysthymia with frequent periods of major depression. and two, i discovered the depth of entertainment to be found on the internet. so the more depressed i got, the more nervous around social interactions i got, the more time i spent on the internet. it quickly became my favorite pastime, and then my ONLY pastime. i slowly started spending less and less time with friends, partly because i often felt i needed to be alone and partly because the longer i went without seeing them, the more i became convinced that they didn’t want to see me. so i spent more and more time alone. i still kept up with friendships while at school, i was involved in the music program which was the only place i really had friends, but around the time i turned 16 it started to get worse. i honestly don’t remember many details from my junior year of high school. and then, when i turned 17 and started my senior year, it got even worse. i started seeing a therapist in the fall of 2014 because i cracked and told my father i needed help. i didn’t give him many details, didn’t tell him that i had been feeling suicidal or that i had been hurting myself for a couple years at that point. but i got a therapist and started going to see her, and after the first session she recommended that i start seeing someone who could prescribe me medication as well. so we tried to get me in somewhere, but i wasn’t going to be able to get in until late march. ok, that’s fine, i had gone that long without medication so i could go longer. except time went on and i got worse and worse. i was scared all the time, i always had intrusive thoughts, images of myself falling and smashing my head every time i went up or down a set of stairs, images of me accidentally stabbing myself in the eye when i would hold a pair of scissors, and then there were the fantasies that i often consciously created. when i was anxious, i would often imagine stabbing myself in the leg or banging my head against the wall. but once it got really bad, probably around the end of 2014/beginning of 2015, the fantasies weren’t of injury, they were of death. instead of stabbing myself in the leg, i was slitting my wrist with the intent to kill. instead of banging my head, i was throwing myself in front of moving vehicles and being killed on impact. it ended up getting to the point where i felt so trapped, so backed into a corner, that i felt i needed to die. i didn’t end up dying, but i did end up in a psych ward for the first 2 weeks of march. and once i got out.. then shit got interesting. they had put me on prozac in the hospital, then switched me to zoloft because i had been showing more OCD-like symptoms. anyways, i was on 50 mg when i got out, which is generally a starting dose. but around my last day there, my mood started to lift very very quickly. i was excited to go to school for the first time in years. i would stay up all night painting on the walls and not be tired at all the next morning. i was jittery and euphoric and i couldn’t stop talking. it was probably my first time not being afraid to talk to people. it was my first manic episode. i got taken off the zoloft pretty quickly, but the episode kept going, probably lasting around a month. i ended up getting pulled out of school AGAIN because i couldn’t make my mind slow down or my body sit still enough to go to class. after that, i had a weird few months. i was volatile, i self-harmed more in those few months than i had in the few years before, but i still wasn’t anxious. no one really knew what to do with me, i was essentially a different person. i honestly still don’t know what that was. over the summer, i became more like my old self again. not as depressed, but definitely more familiar. i tried to go to college in august, and i ended up having a breakdown and having to drop out after a couple weeks. whatever. i came home, went into partial hospitalization for a couple weeks, and then did nothing for nearly a year. no school, no work. i did nothing. then, come next fall, i tried to go to community college. i did a semester, but barely made it through. around halfway through i struggled severely to even show up and was too embarrassed to tell anyone in my life about it. i tried to do the second semester but it didn’t work out. i think i dropped it after the first day. that must have been, what.... january 2017?? february? something like that. at that point i was 19 years old and didn’t have much hope at all. even so, i decided to try and get a part-time job. i had tried to get a seasonal position during the holidays, but had only gotten one interview that i bombed. so i didn’t really have any expectations. i applied to a bunch of places and got one call, one interview for a sales associate position at a women’s clothing store. i went and actually had some interesting things to say because i’m really into clothing and at the time was selling vintage clothing online. so i got hired in march 2017 as a part-time sales associate. i was really anxious there for a while but i eventually acclimated and actually got friendly with some people there, and in october i got promoted to supervisor. at that point i was probably the happiest and most stable i’ve ever been. and i was good at my job. then, time passed, and things started the change. i’m not sure when. maybe january or february of this year. i got more and more depressed, and now, in june, i’m truly starting to feel like i don’t have any more options. 

i feel stuck. and i know a lot of this is because i have bipolar disorder. i didn’t mention it, but there were some fucked up manic episodes in the middle of all this. luckily, the worst of it happened before i got hired. but part of me believes that some of this goes back to my childhood. i still don’t feel like i know how to interact with the world because of how i grew up. is that what’s really holding me back? i don’t have it in me to try and fight that when i’ve never known anything different. it would take a lot of time and a lot of effort to help myself in that regard. and as far as the bipolar goes, i have done, am doing, everything that i can. it seems to always come back to this. in the past when i’ve been suicidal it’s been out of fear and desperation, but now, i feel like i just don’t have any more options. how long can i keep trying? i can barely make myself go to work at this point. in the past week, i’ve cried before every single shift because i’m so desperate for a break, because i feel so tired and worn out and nothing ever stops. i don’t want my life to be this hard. i look at other people, about how they do all these activities in their free time when they’re not working and i wonder how they do it. i can’t do anything other than go to work. i can barely do that. and now, when i go, i’m starting to think i shouldn’t even keep this job. i’m not performing as well as i used to, and i know people have noticed. i just think it might be time to throw in the towel. game over, you tried, but life just isn’t for you. i wish it weren’t the case, but i think it might be.

[veganvamp]

Not flattering photos. This is the second napkin I used to stop the bleed. The first was a mess. But this is the silent injury known as bilingual nerve severing due to lower wisdom teeth extraction. After almost 3 years…I still forget where my tongue is in my mouth and bite it HARD. I sever a portion of my tongue each time and it takes days or a week or two for the heal to ‘take.’ I get a headache instantly. The muscles in my throat that control my tongue instantly hurt. I can’t speak well. Or I sound drunk. My tongue is numb from the injury. The soft tissue under it and around my teeth is numb. I can barely detect taste (about 5%, I would say); and when I can taste something it is sometimes very inaccurate and unpleasant. I can’t spit properly. I gag even when I simply brush my teeth. I get lingually tired by late afternoon. I can’t easily detect heat or cold. I can’t enjoy food. I have dozens of ways this has affected me. I have become antisocial because most interactions revolve around food and drink. I don’t want to eat, which creates a host of issues (some very complex.) Plus, it takes me way longer to eat so I often give up. I get angry and sad. So, if my mood is shitty, it’s not you. It’s usually the fact that my life has been altered 24/7 by a severe nerve injury that everyone forgets I have or doesn’t know I have. I worked with a master oral surgeon but the attempted nerve repair didn’t work. I try extremely hard to cope but when you’ve lost a sense and the ability to enjoy the basic things in life (like a good meal, a great kiss, a fabulous cup of coffee, gag reflex control, swallowing issues…the list goes on), your mental state goes to hell way too often. And for those in my life it’s affected, I am sorry. But, this issue keeps me up at night because my life will never be what it was. And my OCD fixates on the numbness which never goes away. Sorry for the long post, I just had to let it out.

[debwines]

This right here, Is AMAZING! Lisa Stevenson Wynkoop shares.... Because MS wasn’t enough... 5 years ago this month, after months of odd symptoms, being bedridden for days at a time, and having every test imaginable run, I was diagnosed with MS. My symptoms included: balance issues, numbness and tingling, severe exhaustion, intolerance to heat & stress, and brain fog. A couple years later I was diagnoses with Rheumatoid Arthritis. RA proved to be an even bigger challenge than the MS. I suffered from more exhaustion and brain fog and severe joint pain. I went downhill quickly. I tried natural remedies including acupuncture, diet changes, and Chinese herbs along with traditional medications with limited success. The pain was intolerable some days making it difficult, and on some occasions, impossible to do my own activities of daily living. It hurt to walk, to even pull the covers up over me in bed, dress myself, and shower. Even brushing my hair and teeth was beyond my ability some days. I remember it hurting to dry between my toes or to try to tuck the towel around my body when I got out of the shower. Lifting clothes out of the washer to the dryer brought tears to my eyes. And, it was getting more and more difficult to work as a chiropractor. I was missing more days and working in bad pain when I was at the office. One night I got up to let the dogs out and couldn’t open the door to our deck. It was then that I realized I would be unable to get myself out of the house in an emergency. So, my husband, Steve, changed out the door knob to a handicapped accessible one. The joints in my hands were so swollen & painful that I hadn’t been able to make a fist for months, much less wear my wedding and engagement rings. When my feet flared, I had to use a walker to get around my house. My limited activity had caused me to gain about 20 pounds which made life even harder. It was becoming clear that I was not winning the battle and my rheumatologist insisted that the next step was chemotherapy. In December of 2014, Steve asked if I had considered my exit plan from our practice. I was devastated. I knew he was right but, I was not ready to give up something that I love as much as I do practicing chiropractic. I had been watching my friend, Dawn’s, Plexus journey for almost a year. In the beginning when she was sharing her weight loss success I skimmed past her posts because weight loss was the least of my worries. Then, in June of 2014, Dawn shared that she was diagnosed with breast cancer and that her doctors had approved for her to continue taking her Plexus products. I watched her conquer breast cancer and face her treatments with more energy and success than anyone I had ever known. NOW, she had my attention. I started researching every Plexus product and every ingredient. I researched the company. Shortly after Steve suggested I begin my exit plan, Dawn messaged me to see if I would be interested in knowing more about Plexus. I shared my health challenges with her and even after hearing all about Plexus, being the stubborn, Type A, OCD person that I am, I did even more research. Finally, on April 13, 2015 I started my Plexus journey. Within days I was sleeping soundly through the night for the first time in over 5 years. I woke up refreshed and had sustained energy throughout the day and the brain fog was gone. My cravings for sugar and carbs were gone and I soon noticed I was not drinking my coffee in the morning. I was still in pain but overjoyed with the progress I was making and resolved I would be “Plexus for life” even if that was all I got from the products. Within 3 weeks my inflammation was significantly decreased and was I able to go from barely walking to the bathroom some days to walking a mile a day. Today, just 4 months into my Plexus journey, the only symptoms I still have are minor stiffness and pain in my hands first thing in the morning. The MS symptoms are gone and at my 6 month neurology checkup this week my doc found no positive exam results, saw no reason for any medication or routine lab work or my annual MRI. AND, I have lost 17 pounds since my last appointment. I feel better than I have felt in over 5 years. I sat in 97 degree heat in July at my son’s baseball game without issue (and without my cooling vest!) and can take dinner out of the oven without muscle spams from the heat. Knowing the relationship between gut health and autoimmune diseases, I started with the Triplex and quickly added the XFactor multivitamin. Three weeks into my journey, I added the Fast Relief Nerve Health and Ease capsules and cream. I am not only working longer hours at my office, I am now working two jobs as I share my love of the Plexus products with others. I know that I will always have MS and RA, but I’m healing my body from the inside out and MS and RA no longer have me. My only regret is that I didn’t start sooner. Plexus does not claim To heal or cure any disease.

from Living Life with Plexus http://ift.tt/2bAFndo via IFTTT