#my neck and back are still sore from headbanging

[gearsphere]

👁️ 🌟💀🌙 🗡️

[corroded-hellfire]

Prompt Day 7: Celebrate Good Times, C'mon

Word Count: 726

Rating: G

Pairing: minor hellcheer

CW: alcohol consumption

Summary: It's Jeff's wedding and the guys are wasted. Thank you @munson-blurbs for coming up with the perfect song 👌🏻

@corrodedcoffinfest

“Carry on my wayward son! There’ll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to reeeeest. Don’t you cry no more!”

“Bah dah duh dah, duh duh duh duh!”

Eddie strums his air guitar while Gareth whips his arms around as if he were drumming to the song.

The number of guests trickled down as the evening rolled into night. But the fierce foursome is still going strong, alcohol and pure joy fueling them. 

A few others are scattered on the dance floor of the Hampton Inn banquet hall. But Jeff, Gareth, Eddie, and Frank are definitely the life of the party right now.

Jeff’s wife—as of four hours ago—giggles as she watches from a table with a couple of her bridesmaids. 

“Are they always like this?” one of the bridesmaids asks the bride, Anna. 

“If they’re all together with alcohol and music? Oh yeah,” Anna confirms. She nods her head towards Chrissy next to her and says to her friend, “You should have seen them at their wedding.”

“Oh my God,” Chrissy says with a laugh. She shakes her head at the memory, still amused by it. “I didn’t even get to spend my own wedding night with my husband! I kept waiting for Eddie in our hotel room only to find him in Gareth’s room, all four of them passed out on the same bed.”

The song changes and Frank gasping is heard above all.

“Yes!” he cheers. “I love this song!”

Eddie wrinkles his nose up as he sways back and forth. He looks at his friend and shakes his head.

“It’s Cher.” 

“Oh, come on,” Jeff slurs, slapping Eddie on the back. “Everyone loves this song.”

“Yeah,” Gareth adds. He pokes Eddie in the chest, right below the two buttons that the taller man popped open after his first drink. “Don’t be all metal snobby on us. We all heard the Madonna at your wedding.”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but finds the action makes him dizzy and stumbles a step in his inebriated state. 

“That wasn’t my choice, Gareth the Great,” he says. “It’s not my fault my wife is a pop princess!”

The chorus of the song approaches, and Frank knows Eddie is just acting all tough and this will end with him singing it out with them. So, he takes his friend by the shoulders and shakes him back and forth a few times.

“Come ooooon!” Frank says. “Sing it with us. You know you want to.”

A smile slowly curls up the corners of Eddie’s mouth.

“Alright,” he agrees. “For Jeff.”

“Uh huh,” Gareth hums, not buying it. “For Jeff.”

The beat thrums through the speakers and all four friends bop up and down to it, waiting for their moment.

“IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME! IF I COULD FIND A WAY!”

Eddie slings one arm around Jeff’s neck and one around Frank’s. Jeff tugs Gareth over and tucks the shortest band member under his arm as the four of them begin to sway side to side as they belt out the tune. 

“I’D TAKE BACK THOSE WORDS THAT HAVE HURT YOU AND YOU’D STAY!”

They finish out the chorus like that and by the time the next chorus comes around, they’re all jumping up and down like they’re in a mosh pit. Eddie’s curls are swinging wildly all over the place while Gareth headbangs with enough enthusiasm that he’s going to end up with a sore neck tomorrow. 

“God, this is so much fun!” Jeff says. 

“Can't wait ‘til we get to do this again!” Frank agrees.

Gareth chuckles and nudges Frank’s arm with his own.

“Means you gotta propose to Sheila.”

Frank shrugs and looks around.

“Alright. Where is she?”

“No!” Eddie and Jeff shout at the same time, pulling their friend back as he tries to walk off of the dance floor. 

Their tuxes have all seen better days—or better hours, just today before the alcohol was busted out, but Gareth would bet good money that none of the guys who have rented these tuxes before had half as much fun in them.

“Let’s finish this out together,” Jeff says. 

The guys all grin at one another, getting ready to put all their energy into it. Just have to wait for the right moment.

1…2…3…

“IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME!”

[paramorearchived]

July 25, 2010

Transcript:

omg. jeremy is still sleeping.

Hey guys. Hayley here.. I'm sitting in the front lounge of the bus. Being on voicerest is never fun but it's an almost constant chore when I'm on the road. Maybe I'm getting too old to headbang? I get the most intense "bangovers" (shhh, i know how that sounds).. the first few days of tour and it causes my throat to get a lot hoarser than it would be otherwise. So yeah, needless to say, this off day is pretty event-less. However, typing feels great! So, here I am! 2 days into the biggest US tour we've ever done. My head is spinning. So much hard work is paid off every time I look up and see everyone smiling, singing, and having a good time. We want this show to be fun. And while, we're still getting used to the set-list and the sore necks, it's already everything we could've hoped for. Make sure to hit up Brandon (@branchesbro) on Twitter and let him know what you think of all the videos that we made for the show.  (holy capslock, i just realized i have been writing this like an essay... back to the norm). there are 2 videos, in particular, that we shot while we were home in franklin only about a week and a half ago. the one for "Decode" and the one for "Looking Up". there is a small cameo by my younger sister, Erica, in the "Decode" video. she plays a menacing shadow person. that sounds ridiculous... but i don't know what else to call her role hahah. anyways, Brandon pulled off those two videos - as well as a few others - extremely well. and in such a short amount of time.  another thing... the clothes. my friend Jen (@bunnyjenny) and I designed some stuff for the guys and I to wear. so much fun. for whatever reason, i really enjoy girl-scout stuff.. one of the first goodwill purchases i ever made was a toddler sized girl-scout dress that i wore as a shirt. there's a pic of it somewhere from 2006 when i brought it on tour with me. so yeah, i still have that sort of obsession.. (mostly with the cookies) and wanted to go with that type of "punk rock girl scout" sort of style for this tour. and since the color scheme was very similar to what the guys like to wear anyways, we just made clothes for everybody! this is my first go-round with the whole designing/costume making biznass. i enjoyed the process very much. still figuring out a way to sew my mic pack into the dress i made without messing with the style of it. we'll get there. i'm just stoked that we actually made some skin-tight pants and they are durable... but stretchy enough that my booty isn't hanging out the back when i jump. that's so embarrassing. ugh, i could go on about clothes for days. sorry to bore you all. i'm gonna post a few close up "making of" pics of all the pieces i'll be wearing on stage over at my tumblr and if you're interested, you can check it all out. >> (yelyahwilliams.tumblr.com) oh, and i've also just started blogging for MTV.com. i think it's just for the duration of the tour... but go and check it out and comment me a lot so i look like a real important journalist.  i really hope that jeremy is actually sleeping and not dead. because it's like 3:45. i'm gonna go shake him and tell him our bus is on fire.  thanks again if you've already gotten tickets to the shows. can't wait to see you out there. let us know each night what you thought of it... ps, brandon from delaware is a great singer.  hayley

[tommybaholland]

hello! can i request some headcannons for akaashi, iwaizumi, semi, and osamu with an s/o who’s super into music? and by that i mean plays guitar and sings, writes songs, goes to any and all live house shows (which is superrr fun btw), and listens to every genre. in particular, i’d love to see the boys reaction to their s/o enjoying themselves at a punk/metal show (full on head banging, dancing, getting tossed around in the mosh pit, etc) and whether or not they’d be taken aback or worried? just bc ik for me after those shows i’m covereddd in bruises and my neck hurts like a bitch from headbanging… i think these boys in particular would kiss y/n’s bruises and massage their sore ass neck while lecturing them to stay more safe… but they literally just can’t help it bc they have way too much fun.. anyways, sorry i blabbered on there. please take as many artistic liberties as you want! thanks!

going to a concert with their music lover s/o

featuring: akaashi, iwaizumi, semi and osamu

i am not much of a concert goer but they are fun and a great experience. i wanted to wait a little while with this one due to the tragedy surrounding the astroworld festival. my heart goes out to all the victims and families affected. this is just a writing blog but i believe that concerts and large events should be fun and a positive memorable experience and i hope that in light of this event, artists will realize the importance of their fans’ safety. alright enough soapbox for me, pls enjoy<3

akaashi

he’s in a bad spot because he is the king of worrying and being concerned for your safety but he also cares about your happiness 

so if that means going with you to a show featuring your favorite hardcore band, then so be it

but expect him to be on level 100 safety mode through the entire show

he’s not much of a concert person let alone a show like this so he has no idea what to expect but your excitement about it puts him a little more at ease

he makes it through the opening act smoothly which boosts his confidence a bit more but when the actual main act comes out, it all starts

screams from every direction, hands flying everywhere, some people are even jumping around

he doesn’t know how to act and it’s almost a little too much for him

he refocuses his attention on you, seeing that you’re getting into the hype as well but you’re not doing as much as anyone else

he makes sure to stand close to you at all times, mostly behind you so he can protect you from people bumping into you

unfortunately he will be the one getting hit which then causes him to bump into you but you don’t seem to mind 

he’s relieved when a slower song comes on and the crowd seem to calm significantly, allowing him to have a special moment with you, swaying you from side to side from behind, resting his head on your shoulder and occasionally leaving kisses on your cheek or head

however all good things come to an end and the band performs a few more upbeat songs which is where you pull out the head banging and jumping around

he finds that the only way to survive is to move with the crowd so that he doesn’t get too beat up

finally the show ends and he’s somewhat relieved, meanwhile you’re still very hyped up and happy

once you get back home, all your adrenaline is gone and the concert depression and fatigue sets in so he has to help you wind down for the night with getting you ready for bed

this is his favorite part of the whole experience when you’re all sleepy and snuggly, he decides that maybe concerts aren’t so bad after all

iwaizumi

he acts like he could care less about what you do but actually watches you like a hawk because he knows you’ll get yourself into trouble and he’s always the one getting you out of it

but he doesn’t mind all that much as much as he doesn’t like to admit it 

which is how he ends up agreeing to going with you to the concert

he doesn’t like to control your every move and set rules but rather keeps a close eye on you, like a bodyguard 

your seats aren’t too close to the stage so he thought it would be a little mellower but of course he was wrong

the crowd is still as crazy as ever from where you’re watching, people jumping and bumping into others carelessly

he is not here for it honestly but at least you’re having fun

he just tries to remain close to you to make sure you’re not getting pushed or anything

at one point the crowd closes in a little more than they had all night and it starts to get hard to move around

he notices that you’re starting to get uncomfortable with the lack of space so he holds you against him from behind, trying to protect you but he wasn’t sure that it was helping all that much

at one point he feels you go limp in his arms, your full weight surprising him as he tries to hold you up

he’s a little panicked as he doesn’t know what to do to get help in a situation like this so he just starts yelling for help and hoping that someone would notice 

luckily the artist themselves could see that there was some crowd distress and stopped the show to tell security to help him get you safely out of the crowd

he actually gets to go to an area that was a better view as well as calmer than where you were

you regain consciousness not long after and he’s relieved but still has to lecture you about how you didn’t drink enough water or tell him that you were feeling faint

he can’t be annoyed with you for long as he’s just happy that you’re okay 

you watch the rest of the show from the medical suite and he enjoys it a whole lot more as he’s able to have a unique experience with you as he holds you close to him, leaning down to kiss you on the cheek before resting his head on your shoulder, admiring you as you smile

semi

he would most likely enable you since he’s really into music as well

you like a lot of the same music or are always open to trying something new so you’re always talking about who you want to see in concert

ironically, you’ve never been to a show together so it’s a must at this point in your relationship

you’re both excited when the night finally comes to see the show, being especially excited about how good your seats are

you both find that it’s hard to savor the moment during the opening act, being too hyped for the main performance which is practically the whole reason you came

by the time the band comes on, you’re fully energized and participating in the movement of the crowd with jumping, waving your hands and arms, head banging

unfortunately at one point you head bang at the wrong time and accidentally hit your head on someone else’s

the impact was pretty hard and what made it worse was that someone else was involved

you tried to apologize to them in the crowd before semi and their guest helped you both out of the crowd and to the medic area

you felt pretty dazed and in a fog at that point but it didn’t look like you had a full on concussion

however, you were all laughing about it later on and made some new friends out of it

after you leave the venue, you felt bad that an incident like this happened at the first concert that you and him attended together and apologized if you had ruined the whole experience 

he doesn’t accept it, telling you that if anything, it’s a fun story to tell and there will be other concerts that you will be going to

he holds your hand and hugs you to seal the reassuring statement, making you smile that he wants you to go to other shows with him

when you arrive home, he’s adamant on being sure that you ice your head and rest of the remainder of the night

he even lets you wear his cooling eye mask so your eyes won’t be puffy in the morning<3

osamu

he’s a mix between akaashi and iwa in that he’s concerned but looks very aloof about it

concerts aren’t really his thing, he’d much rather stay home and watch his favorite cooking competitions shows with you

but you convinced him that sometimes it’s better to be fully immersed in an experience like seeing an artist play at a live show

he silently curses himself over the fact that you know how to work the logical nature of his brain, causing him to agree to go with you

you’re definitely the more expressive and happy-go-lucky person out of the two of you and that’s one aspect that he likes about you

but attending a concert with you allowed him to see a whole other side of you, a pretty fun and entertaining side

he had never seen you so hype and excited, he thought it was so cute

watching you dance and sing and jump around was a show in itself to him and made him want to hold your hand

you smiled at him as you felt the warmth of his palm against yours

unfortunately it was hard for him to keep hold of your hand as you continued to jump, wave your arms and dance around

you would occasionally bump into him accidentally which he didn’t enjoy and you would apologize to him every time but he’d rather it be you than anyone else

eventually there’s a slower song that allows him to get closer to you and sway with the music, he tries to savor that moment with you under the low lighting as he knows it won’t last for long

you’re still reeling from the experience as you leave the venue and you ask him how he liked it

he rates it a solid 7/10, his only complaint being that you bumped into him a lot

he’s only teasing you but he’s also half-joking, telling you that there’s something you can do to make it up to him and rate it a 10

of course you agree and he then tells you his price

“you owe me a kiss for each time you bumped me :P”

have a great weekend! more spots for requests available...

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[vivisextion]

I first saw Slipknot at age 14.

No one knows how I managed it. I'm not sure I even remember. These days, you have to be 16 or 18 to get into Standing areas. I do know I had to buy tickets on the phone, back in the old days (2005, that is). A singular ticket, too - none of my friends, not even the classmate who had gone with me to see Linkin Park the year before, was that into Slipknot.

But I HAD to see them. This was the Subliminal Verses tour cycle, and Vol. 3 was my first and favourite Slipknot album, even to this day. It's the reliable old warm blanket for my soul whenever I need it. It's on right now, as I write this.

My memory isn't that good, but luckily I unearthed a livejournal (livejournal!) diary entry about the event I made the next day.

August 16, 2005. I went right after school. I went to a very conservative Anglican secondary school, too. I tried not to get caught in the bathroom, as I coloured my nails black with permanent marker (I know, don't laugh) and changed into my standard metalhead baby outfit - Slipknot band shirt, black cargo shorts, and my pride and joy: steel-toe boots I somehow managed to cajole my parents into letting me own.

I caught the bus to the open-air war memorial park where the gig was going to be. I got there at 4pm, 4 hours early. A couple other maggots were already hanging around. I found myself surrounded by tombstones, and I read them all. It was the middle of the Hungry Ghost Festival, too - a very fitting time for Slipknot to pay a visit to this godforsaken hellhole of a small town I lived in. (Especially given the paranormal circumstances surrounding the making of Vol. 3.)

While I wandered around the venue (no security or sound guys were around at all), I spotted two white vans pull up to the stage, in the middle of a clearing. It was them! I spotted Joey and missed him by a hair's breadth. I was quickly ushered behind the stone archway entrance by security then.

(Funnily enough, while walking around, I got mistaken for Joey more than once. I am the same height as him, had the same long black hair, same pale skin, and was wearing almost exactly what he had been. One person claimed from behind, I was a dead ringer, apart from when I turned around, and they realised I was Chinese.)

It was soundcheck time. A sound guy testing the mics would say random things, like "testing one two three two one.... fudge fudge, I like fudge...." The band even did Purity, so us earlybirds were given a rare treat, and we screamed along from the entrance, and drummed our fists on the sides of nearby porta-potties. I hope no one was in there at the time. Whenever we got a glance of any of them, we'd scream and cheer. Finally they left again, but were soon to return.

This was the first time I'd been a part of the metal community. I was barely allowed internet in those days. But here, random strangers were friendly, striking up conversations like they'd been friends for years. Two big guys, called Trevor and Ted, looked out for me the entire gig after, keeping other big dudes from crushing me too much (I'm 5'3, remember). Other people commented on me being so baby, because I was only 14, and said they would take care of me.

When we were finally let in, right after the usher cut the rope, I ran in, screamed "WOOOHOOO!" along with a few friends I'd made. I only briefly stopped to receive this RoadRunner Records compilation CD from a roadie, then resumed running like a madman screaming and dashing into the VIP cage.

I was right up against the barricade - the first time I would ever be at a gig. People from assorted magazines and press took photos of us, and I think I got my photo taken about 10 times at least.

(This is how I got in trouble with my parents the next day. My photo had ended up in a local paper - you can see examples of that here. They had no idea what I'd been to see the night before, and were horrified when they saw what Slipknot looked like.)

We saw Sid filming us from the stage with a camcorder and screamed at him. We saw Jim and screamed at him too, and he flashed the victory sign back at us. I remember Metallica playing at the time, another one of my favourite bands.

The concert was a brutal religious experience I will never forget. People with their arms outstretched, crying and screaming out loud, moving like the devil possessed them.

The new friends around me made sure I was alright after every song! There were huge guys fainting behind us who had to get carried out, but I endured, a tiny 14 year old child. We got a family speech as per tradition, of course. "Are you guys out there all looking out for each other? We're all one big family, and we gotta look out for each other." What Corey said held true - strangers hugged, shook hands, talked, and made friends. I was heartened by how close-knit the maggot community was. It really did feel like a family, and it's felt like that ever since.

Of course, I did my first Jump The Fuck Up. It is possibly the most euphoria I've ever experienced all at one go. (Later, in 2020, I was extremely disappointed that I didn't get to do it again in London.)

They did the death masks for Vermilion, and I remember Chris helping Sid fix his mask and shirt when they'd changed back. Sid hung out near Clown's drums for most of the time too, and hugged him from behind and just latched on at one point. It was pretty adorable.

Fun fact: The version of Eyeless you hear on the 9.0 Live album is from Singapore, as is Eeyore. There are very few photos and videos from the crowd of this gig, because in 2005, very few people had camera phones. The crowd at the Slipknot gig in 2020 was a sea of arms with phones, filming the gig rather than experiencing it. Yes, I'm going to be that cranky old geezer who complains about the good old days.

Joey as usual, was fucking amazing and never failed. However, due to the fact that I was right up front, only his tiny head was visible behind his vast drum set, I couldn't see him the entire gig.

Amazingly, the government told Slipknot they were not allowed to do obscene gestures, curse, vomit (possibly due to the decomposing crow pre-show ritual), simulate humping on objects, throw faeces, or jump off stage (looking at you, Sid). I don't think our totalitarian government knew who they were dealing with, because watch what happens next.

Near the end of the gig, Corey tells the crowd “your government has given us a laundry list of things we aren’t allowed to do, your government has told us we are not allowed to swear”. Crowd goes “BOOOOOOOOO” and Corey goes “BUT WE DON’T GIVE A FUCK!!” And they launch into Surfacing, the last song. Everyone riots. Best night of my life.

You can find the setlist from that gig here. It had everything I wanted and more.

This story later got immortalised when Kerrang asked maggots for gig stories, for an article which came out in 2020. I had forgotten entirely, until people began messaging me to tell me, and one friend sent me a scan of it!

On the way out, I managed to get a shirt. I remember calling my best friend at the time, and got everyone at the merch booth to go "IF YOU'RE 555 THEN I'M 666" for her. This shirt has since been lost to the landfill, because my Christian mother took it upon herself to dispose of it the first opportunity she got. Needless to say, our relationship is not very good.

After that, I even managed to get that Roadrunner compilation album they were giving out signed. The band was staying at the Carlton. Unfortunately, Joey wasn't there, neither was Clown, and Mick was swarmed by guitar nerds so, 6/9 it is. It is a great regret of mine that I'll never have anything signed by him, nor will I ever get to see him perform ever again.

The next day, I went to school, my head swimming. Yes, I went to see Slipknot ON A SCHOOL NIGHT. I was a giant bruise, from my ribs and my chest, to my hips and knees, from being slammed into the barricade like a screen door in a hurricane. Most of all, my sore, headbanged-out neck could barely hold my head up. Classmates thought I had been in a fight. I was torn between battle-scarred exhaustion and hyperactive ranting about the most amazing gig of my short life (it still is, to this day). When teachers spoke to me, I wanted to reply, "Fuck trigonometry! I've just seen SLIPKNOT. Do you not understand that my world is different? Do you not understand that *I* am now different?"

My country was a small, conservative town that Slipknot had graced with their unholy presence. Corey Taylor once said that where he grew up in Iowa had a way of making a 16 year old boy feel like a 36 year old man (or something to that effect). I felt that in my weary bones as a teenager, being from a place just like that. Years later, Watain would run into worse trouble, and wouldn't even be allowed to perform. The Christian stranglehold is stronger than ever. It was a good thing that back then Slipknot had the element of surprise, striking serpent-fast and choking this society by the neck for a too-brief time, before they departed.

After that, my desire to play the drums only grew like a weed. Joey Jordison had, has, and will always inspire me as a drummer, and seeing the beast live (or what little I could spy behind the massive riser) had only spurred me on. I had always been a noisemaker, be it driving my parents mad with chopsticks on pots and pans, or driving my teachers mad with pencils on my desk. But of course, my parents wouldn't have any of it. I'd have to wait a good 14 more years before I'd be able to afford lessons and later, a kit of my own. Better late than never, right?

There will never be enough words to describe the impact Joey has had on my life. And it isn't just Slipknot, either. I could write another essay on his time with the Murderdolls and its influence on my own gender-non-conforming ways. Suffice to say, my wardrobe doesn't look too dissimilar to his during the early Dead in Hollywood days.

I told my boss I could not come into work today. I was grieving. I said that my music teacher died, as I didn't think she'd understand the magnitude of my loss. In a way, it's true. And I am not the only one Joey has nudged on the path to being a musician, that much is certain. To the rest of us, I wish strength and love for you in this difficult time. The best way to honour Joey, who truly loved music, both the creation and appreciation of it, is to pass that gift on. Teach it to someone. He is the reason I picked up the sticks in the first place, and one day, they'll be handed on, the heavy metal baton for the next generation.

And finally: remember that the ones we have lost are never truly gone.

Vinnie

P.S. See if you can spot me in the crowd photos in this post!

[yridenergyridenergy]

Dir en grey - Otaru Goldstone 2019/09/29 [Day 2] live report

1. Downfall

2. Devote My Life

3. Merciless Cult

4. Ningen wo kaburu

5. Keibetsu to Hajimari

6. Aka

7. Zetsuentai

8. Celebrate Empty Howls

9. Keigaku no yoku

10. Rubbish Heap

11. Values of Madness

12. Ranunculus

13. The World of Mercy

Encore

1. Hydra 666

2. Kigan

3. Followers

4. NEW AGE CULTURE

5. Utafumi

Man Dir en grey hit us like a brick thrown to the face in this second night. The songs were all heavy and intense until maybe Aka, Kyo had jumped on his crate and was headbanging already at the first song. Hell, he was wearing a full business suit again, all black with plastic-y labels in the back of the neck of both shirts, and he clearly sweated a lot. He struggled to unbutton his vest with his left hand.

After the first three songs, there was finally a break to switch the guitars. Kyo went to the back near Shinya, but then left the stage. The tech on the side was speaking either with him or with Die, but Kyo returned and lit up a cigarette, the only one he had all night.

Eventually it got real hot and Kyo loosened his black tie, then roughly unclipped it and let it fall somewhere to his left, which a roadie hurried to go retrieve before anything happened to it.

It seemed to help the whole band to start with very rapid songs, like it got some frustration out of the way. Aka was less dramatic, even though Kyo did carefully fit his mic cord around his neck after forming a loop with it, and even got two layers of it around his neck the second time, attentively adjusting on the right and on the left, and he seemed so content, like in heaven, jubilating at the end of the song with that string around his neck. Now there's no question left in my mind about what the intent is with "Spring, let me go/leave me".

There was something very particular about Keibetsu to Hajimari but I forgot what hahah. I think perhaps heavy headbanging from Kyo? There was literally a time at the end of one song where he was headbanging at least at twice the tempo as the actual song's rhythm hah. But in one of those first few songs, Kyo really moved like a jerky pantomime a lot and the crazy face was omnipresent.

In one song, I also cannot remember which, he totally started one of the strophs too early and basically could not even catch himself and delay the end of those two verses.

For Rubbish Heap, Kyo was on his crate this time atbthe beginning and he again signaled to form a fist and raise it, but holy hell the crowd was >95% just open hands!

I feel like Keigaku no yoku was really the special song of the night. Kyo started it with moves of imploring something from above, pulling it toward him. He then seemed to have forgotten to start singing, but he surprised us by singing almost entirely new lyrics. I cannot remember exact moves anymore throughout the song as I was trying and failing to pick up the different lyrics, but overall in this concert he made a lot of the mad, mad facial expressions like around dead tree in the mode of Withering to death. DVD. I think that there was one scream after the more intense segments of Keigaku no yoku that he really prolonged.

I confirm that he adds "Hayaku shine" (quick, die) at the end of that last (modified) sentence in Keigaku no yoku. One less mystery, yeah!

Kyo was really on point in general vocally tonight, even though there were still auditive discrepancies, the guitars ringing so damn loudly, notably. And yet, this time around we actually saw the roadies check the instruments on stage before the show. All for nothing.

As much as Keigaku no yoku stole a spotlight, Kyo very clearly brought The World of Mercy to life again today. He transitioned from Ranunculus to it repeating over and over 'Mochiron, watashi wa modoshi(?)'. Basically, "Of course. I'm back." I believe he was holding his head with his right arm too while saying that. He then proceeded to claw or bite at his left sleeve around the time he sang about the very very beautiful flower, and through his sleeve, bit his wrist for real three times over a couple of minutes. Then, in one of the 'pauses' for him in that song, he mimed that something dropped from his wrist onto his other palm, then he wiped the 'substance' with one of his fingers and brought it to his mouth to lick, apparently finding it very exhilarating. Where have I- oh fuck, one of my favourite movies, Annihilation, has the scars from self-harm becoming the source of growth from flowers and plants from inside the person's body. I wonder... But the move with the lyrics and the completion of the visual story really hinted at the blood from cutting his wrist being like a splendid flower, a type of onctuous honey even.

I noticed that while he moves his left arm in a circle during the 'yuugi' series, he also gyrates his hips~ I cannot remember which song, but he was singing about his real self so it might have been The World of Mercy, and apparently his self involved being rather sexy due to his moves and brushing his hair back and all.

In The World of Mercy, I think that it was the first 'kusaro'/rot that he prolonged extensively and intensely.

Oh and he scratched at his throat but mostly his chest during one of the last songs of the main setlist.

Back for the encore, Kyo came out late wearing a mask for Hydra 666. I had never seen it myself, but it reminds me of the colours and lines of the mask he had in the latest BURRN magazine, except that it is not composed of cutouts of mouths and eyes. Personally, I could actually not figure out how he could see or speak through it, because there did not seem to be holes. Near the end of the song, he slid his mask upward and blinked but waited a while with a sort of expression like he was waiting for our approval, our cheers. But we had cheered the moment he stepped back on stage anyway hahah. He then threw the mask not too carefully toward Shinya's drums while remaining on his crate. I get the impression that he at least became aware that the stage was low and/or that most fans could not see him unless he was standing.on the crate, so he was there most of the time.

During Kigan I guess, Kyo very much caressed the side of his crotch.

The way he prepares himself for that 'Sore ga watashi, kono watashi' part in Followers is so moving, clutching at his chest so dearly.

New Age Culture is intense, so heavy. There was one song near the end, perhaps that, where all but Kyo and Kaoru were focused around Shinya.

Kyo stayed slightly longer than yesterday at the end, encouraging us to clap and doing so himself too. Leaving with the traditional 'Bye bye' and half-beaming face.

Other than that, Kaoru was wearing a sort of loose bowtie, a white dress shirt and a black vest, as well as sarouel pants or a long skirt?

I was on Die's side today to avoid the shimote conflicts and people seemed slightly shorter there. That man really gives the impression that he is just there to look handsome, stare seriously (sexily?), lift his eyebrow occasionally, receive wind in his hair eternally and make his job seem super easy. There are just some moments in Ranunculus, I think, in which he headbangs and is the only person intensely moving along with Kyo on stage at that time. He seemed content enough throughout the show. At the end, he threw a water bottle and a pick too high and they caught onto the lights above the stage and he looked apologetic when he realised that had happened. He went back to fetch more picks to throw than usual. But it's a consensus that he became skinnier than he already was. Man, with Kyo cutting the insides of his mouth recently, Toshiya being off and stopping his interactions with the crowd until yesterday, and Die losing weight that he did not have in extra --- are they doing OK?

[thirteen-beaxhes]

You Won't Save the Night for Me (Tyrus One Shot)

Inspired by Tove Lo's song 'hey you got drugs?' Where TJ is a famous basketball player and his return to Shadyside makes Cyrus feel more confused than he has in a while

Words: 3987

Idea given to me by the amazing @heart-eyes-kippen and also

@imhereforthetryus here's my play

One more shot. Couldn't hurt. Well, it would, but Cyrus couldn't really bring himself to care about that. It wasn't like he was drinking to forget, although that was what it looked like. He was drinking until the memories were just fuzzy enough for him to distance himself from them. Until they felt like snippets of the scrambled, messed up life of some other sorry soul, and not him.

His parents had always told him one thing, ever since he was a teenager. Don't change, Cyrus. But that doesn't mean don't grow. Don't change in a way that one day when you look in the mirror, you don't recognise the person staring back at you. Well, too late for that. He hadn't changed dramatically, he was still good old kind, reasonable, understanding, Cyrus Goodman. But some of the decisions he had made in his life were things that made him want to punch the mirror in a fit of drunken haziness.

TJ Kippen was one such decision.

And he should never have fallen into the trap, but night time is weird, and after some time, he just couldn't quit. It was a sweet escape, well sweet for TJ and sometimes for Cyrus. But only for a while. Only for a while.

Honestly, curiosity was what pulled him in, but curiosity killed the cat, didn't it?

Cyrus set down the shot glass, the music growing to a deep, pounding trip. Cyrus pushed himself away from the bar, stumbling onto the dance floor. This was a bad idea, but just then, Cyrus couldn't think of anything to deal with everything better than to dance away. Dance away into the night, like he was playing a game. Like it was fun.

'Who can stay dancing the longest?'

A great reality show idea.

Cyrus began nodding his head to the beat, swaying to the music, moving his shoulders, letting the music wash over him like he was washed up on shore, the cold waves running over his skin. He raised his hands to the music, not caring what people thought, because no one cared. To them, he was just another soul losing himself on the dance floor.

As he swayed, jumped, headbanged, Cyrus let his thoughts run wild. And of course, they ran right to TJ.

*

3 years ago

It had been a tiring day at the clinic, and Cyrus had practically sunken into the booth at the Spoon, enjoying his guilty pleasure of baby taters and milkshake. He would've called someone else, but Andi was busy at the craft store, Amber in the boutique she ran beside Andi's shop, and Buffy had moved away a couple years ago. Jonah came by every now and then, whenever he was on a break, or around Shadyside while he was on tour. But that wasn't very often. Cyrus didn't mind though, he was used to it.

He was just about to eat his food, when he heard the door of the Spoon open, and an extremely familiar voice spoke from behind him.

"Still baby taters and milkshake?"

Cyrus smiled, turning around to look at TJ. "Why mess with success?"

TJ laughed, sitting opposite Cyrus as Cyrus laughed softly, shaking his head in disbelief.

"What are you doing here?"

"Can't a guy visit his home town?" TJ asked, narrowing his eyes in amusement.

Cyrus raised his eyebrows. "I just assumed you got too famous for it, Mr Basketball star."

TJ's jaw hung open in mock offense. "Wow, the disrespect on my return!"

Cyrus giggled, looking down, knowing how his cheeks were already turning red. How TJ still had that effect on him after all that time was still a mystery to him.

TJ smiled softly, looking intently at Cyrus. "You're a sight for sore eyes."

"Don't blind yourself, then."

"Don't worry," TJ said with a smirk, pulling out a pair of RayBans. "I can protect myself and still keep looking."

Cyrus rolled his eyes, trying to keep his focus on the taters, hiding his expression. Sure, maybe this had something to do with the fact that all through school, Cyrus had a huge crush on TJ, and there was that one party when he and TJ ended up kissing, ironically, behind a closet. But, that had been years ago, and they had never spoken about the party ever since. It had been written off as a non-event, even though Cyrus wanted to do anything but forget it. But opening old wounds only made them harder to heal.

They had been silent for a while, Cyrus eating his food as TJ kept his eyes fixed on Cyrus, every now and then sneaking a tater. Eventually, Cyrus slammed down a paper napkin.

"What are you doing?"

"What do you mean?" TJ asked, feigning innocence. Cyrus raised an eyebrow.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

TJ just smiled, getting out of his seat, much to Cyrus' confusion.

"Wanna watch a movie at my place? It's been a while since we hung out together," He said, holding out his hand to Cyrus.

Cyrus looked from TJ to his outstretched hand, feeling confused, but just a small bit excited. So he nodded, and grabbed his hand.

How a part of him wished he never had.

They went back to TJ's place and were watching a movie, both of them on opposite sides of the couch. But it didn't stay that way for long. It only took an hour for them to be sitting right next to each other, their arms firmly pressed together.

All the while, Cyrus held his breath, unable to stop his heart from racing. Feeling brave, he leaned down, placing his shoulder on TJ's shoulder. Much to his surprise, TJ didn't freak out, going so far to run his hands through Cyrus' hair. He let out a small sigh, placing his hand on TJ's chest as he focused back on the movie.

As the credits rolled, Cyrus didn't want to move from the position he was in, but he knew he had to. He moved to get up, looking at TJ. But as he looked up, his breath hitched in his throat, immediately noting the lack of distance between them. His nose was practically touching TJ's, and his heart was about to burst out of his chest.

"I'm sorry, I," Cyrus stammered, moving back, but TJ grabbed his hand.

"It's okay," He whispered, moving his hand behind Cyrus' neck, looking at him nervously but determined.

Unable to stop himself anymore, Cyrus lesned forward and pressed his lips to TJ's, blowing caution to the wind. TJ immediately reciprocated, pulling Cyrus closer. Cyrus sighed, wrapping his arms around TJ's waist, holding him tight. Somehow, it felt the exact same way it did like it did all those years ago at that party.

After what felt like forever, they pulled away, Cyrus trying to catch his breath, TJ laughing softly.

"Been wondering when you would do that," He whispered, leaning in for another kiss.

And Cyrus couldn't describe anything that could make him feel happier.

They kissed a bit more, settling in for another movie, now cuddled together, and it was no surprise that they ended up falling asleep on the couch.

"I don't wanna go home," Was the last thing Cyrus remembered whispering to TJ as sleep opened its arms to him.

"Then don't," is the last thing he heard, a kiss pressed to his forehead as he drifted off.

*

The sunlight streaming in through the curtains of the room were what ended waking up Cyrus. Well, that and the smell of coffee in the air. Taking in a deep breath, Cyrus rolled over on the couch, only to pat the empty, TJ-shaped space that lay next to him. He say up, looking around curiously to catch sight of him, and spotted him in the kitchen. Smiling to himself, Cyrus got up and walked over to the kitchen, leaning against the doorframe.

"Hey there, stranger," He said softly, and TJ turned around to look at Cyrus, a smile on his face. Cyrus saw nothing wrong, but for some reason, he felt something was off. Like TJ's smile didn't reach his eyes, like he was putting more distance between them than needed. But he just shook his head slightly, pushing those thoughts away. Just sleepiness and overthinking. Not a good combination. Cyrus just settled with walking over to where TJ was pouring coffee into two mugs.

"That was sweet of you," Cyrus said, leaning forward with his eyes shut, a giddy smile on his face.

"I know," TJ said, placing the mug of steaming coffee into Cyrus' hand before walking into the other room, leaving Cyrus hanging in confusion.

What just happened?

"So," Cyrus said, trying to hide the confusion in his voice. "The clinic is closed on Saturdays, so if you want, we can go bowling. Or I heard there are some great movies playing in theatres right now."

"Actually, I have some interviews and meetings and stuff to do over Skype all of today. Team stuff," TJ said, keeping his eyes trained on his phone, as he typed away furiously.

Cyrus tilted his head in confusion at TJ's sudden change in attitude. "Um, okay. I'll go then, don't wanna hold up your work."

TJ nodded, finally looking up at Cyrus. "Is your number still the same?"

"Yeah?"

"Then I'll call you, Cy. I will," TJ said with a small smile, getting up to walk over to Cyrus, pressing a quick kiss to his forehead, easing the crease on it.

At least temporarily.

Cyrus went back, having to confront the mess he had left behind the previous morning when he had left for work. He took a long shower, trying to process everything that had happened over the previous 12 hours. What really puzzled him was TJ's change in attitude from night to morning.

He was just focused on the meetings and stuff. That's all. Nothing to be worried about, Cyrus tried to reason with himself. He decided to finish up on some of his paperwork, aided by a glass of rosé as usual. Whenever he decided to finish write ups and reports, they took all day and always helped keep his mind off things. As the sun slowly went below the horizon, and the sky darkened, Cyrus checked the time on his phone. 7:37pm. Surely TJ would be free then?

Cyrus picked up his phone, finding a text from TJ informing him of his new number. Cyrus smiled to himself, typing out a message to him, sending it with no hesitation.

Cyrus: hey wanna watch a movie at my place? i have netflix so no need to worry :)

TJ: sorry have to pack. flight out tomorrow

Cyrus: oh. well, be safe!

TJ: i will.

TJ: oh and cyrus? can you keep last night on the dl

TJ: thanks for being a great friend

Reading that last message, Cyrus set down his phone, surprised to find his heart sinking lower than it ever had. Friend friend friend friend. He wanted to pretend like it had never happened. The surprises continued when Cyrus found a stray tear rolling down his cheek. He rubbed it away forcefully, pulling himself together, before dragging himself into the bedroom, just wanting to rest.

*

All through the next couple months, whenever Cyrus would walk into the bar, TJ's games would be playing. He couldn't get himself to look at them, even when the crowd cheered in jubilation at every basket he made. With every basket, Cyrus tuned it out that much more. Soon enough, he just stopped going, preferring to stay in the comforts of his house. Andi and Amber noticed his weird behavior and they tried to get him to spill what had happened, but he never said a word about that night.

It had been around 10 months, not that Cyrus was keeping count. He was just watching stand up comedy specials on Netflix, inhaling Cheetos, when he heard the doorbell ring. Furrowing his eyebrows, Cyrus set down the empty packet and paused the special to open the door, immediately wanting to shut it and never be seen by another human being ever again. But instead, he steadied his nerves and looked him in the eye with a neutral expression.

"What are you doing here, TJ?"

TJ shrugged, smiling charmingly. "I wanted to see you. Is your offer of Netflix still up?"

"You're about 10 months late."

"Sorry, I had to go back quick. But, I'm back for a while, and I wanna be with you."

Cyrus knew he shouldn't let TJ in, seeing the emotions he had been experiencing the past few months. But then again, he just wanted to be close to TJ, he couldn't pull away. So, he nodded. Its not like anything would happen. They were friends.

The night transpired exactly as the first night did, the only change in the morning being that when Cyrus woke up, it was to no smell of coffee and no TJ. Just him on his own living room couch. Cyrus sighed, rubbing his eyes. Why did he expect anything different?

But unlike the other times, when he left the house that day to go meet Andi at the craft shop, there was TJ, laughing and hugging her. Cyrus smiled, walking into the store.

"Hey Andi," Cyrus said, TJ turning to look at him when he spoke. "I see you've met the famous person of the group."

"Oh shut up, I'm not as famous as Jonah," TJ said with a laugh, bumping his shoulder with Cyrus'.

Cyrus just shook his head, rolling his eyes. Andi laughed, cleaning the counter space as she spoke.

"What's been up with you TJ? Any special person?" Andi asked, smirling sneakily as she looked between him and Cyrus.

"No, I don't have the time," TJ said with a shrug, ignoring the glare from Cyrus.

So they still were nothing.

Andi looked between them, catching Cyrus' expression, and she couldn't help but feel confused. But she couldn't ask about it because Amber walked in with a squeal, tackling her brother in a bone-crushing hug.

And Cyrus just stood there, smiling, his brain a muddled mess of confusion at what had he just done.

They hung out with Andi and Amber for some more time, but Cyrus swore he caught TJ staring at him more than once, a wink thrown in every now and then. That wasn't helping make the situation any clearer.

As they left the store, Cyrus began walking in the opposite direction to TJ, but he felt his grab his elbow, Cyrus' heart speeding up much to his annoyance.

"Hey, wanna hang out at my place? We can have pizza," TJ said with his characteristic smirk.

Cyrus looked at him, and every single cell in him was screamjng at him to ask TJ about his behavior, to call him out on it. To refuse.

But he wasn't known for being strong, was he?

So he just nodded, and let TJ lead him home.

*

That was how it started, every time TJ was in town, they'd hang out. Meaning, they'd watch a movie as they cuddled, and eventually they would kiss, and every time they did, Cyrus' heart would soar, thinking, maybe this time it's different. Maybe this time it's real. But then, almost every morning after TJ would grow distant, treating Cyrus like the best friends they used to be, like the previous night hadnt even happened. They would talk and joke, even flirt, but anything else would be confined to the night. Then, within 2 or 3 days, TJ would leave, and not come back for months on end, leaving Cyrus to pick up the pieces of anything that happened. They would text of course, but nothing other than what teo best friends would text each other.

Every time, Cyrus tried to bring up the question of what are we to TJ but every time, TJ would change the subject, or kiss him and Cyrus would forget he asked.

But it was starting to get to him. Cyrus could feel himself fall for TJ more and more with every night, the pain of their past fitting into his heart like a shard of glass. And with every morning after, every time TJ left, he twisted it further in.

He should be having the time of his life, getting his friend back, even being able to be with the person he had liked for so long, but it wasn't fun. It felt like TJ had made it a deal, a dance.

Because that's what they were doin, dancing around whatever this thing between them was, was it serious? Casual? Nothing at all? Everything?

Because the only person who had the answers was the reason they needed to be asked.

*

Cyrus kept dancing and swaying, the lights dancing over him in a hypnotic manner. 3 years. 3 years of this unspoken, unexplained thing, that Cyrus had to deal with. And he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't handle any more nights of softness and closeness to only be followed by mornings of distance.

But he couldn't do it because despite everything, he had still ended up falling in love with TJ. How could he have not? Someone like Cyrus had no chance against someone like TJ. How much ever it hurt, Cyrus couldn't help but let himself be swept away by him.

That's why it was so hard and confusing. So Cyrus had taken a stand. When TJ had arrived in Shadyside, Cyrus didn't even hesitate before leaving his house and heading to the club for a distraction. He needed to be alone, he couldn't go back to that cycle.

Cyrus stumbled across the dance floor back to the bar, where he called for 4 more shots. The bartender falshed a concerned glance at him, before pouring him the drinks. Without hesitation, Cyrus downed all of them in seconds, the room suddenly spinning.

The lights were going all funny, everything was funny. Everything was purple, and bright, and loud. Everyone looked like TJ.

TJ. TJ. Where did he live? He lived near the club right? He had to, Cyrus always passed it on his walk of shame home. Cyrus swayed, walking out the door of the club, stumbling along the sidewalk. He didn't really know where his feet were taking him, but he just went with it.

Eventually, by some miracle, Cyrus found himself knocking on TJ's apartment door, the numbers floating in front of his face.

The door opened, and TJ stood there in his glasses, shock painted on his face.

"Cyrus, what, what are you doing here?"

"Why? Can't a guy meet his friend who is in town?" Cyrus slurred, pushing himself into the house, using the doorway for support.

"Well, yeah, but you weren't home," TJ said, confused, narrowing his eyes as he lifted Cyrus' head up. "Are you drunk?"

"No! Just, slightly inebriated," Cyrus groaned, before feeling his stomach go weird. He collapsed into TJ's arms, wralling his arms around his neck.

"Just kiss me," Cyrus said, tilting his head up to kiss TJ. TJ wrapped his arms around Cyrus' waist, but snapped out of it and pulled away.

"Cyrus you're drunk, I can't do that. Come on," He groaned, practically dragging Cyrus to the bedroom.

"It's okay, it's just for tonight," Cyrus moaned, sleep starting to get to him. TJ made him wear one of his oversized hoodies, before laying him down on the bed, throwing a blanket on Cyrus.

"You need to sleep," TJ said, pressing a quick kiss to Cyrus' forehesd before switching off the light.

"I don't wanna go home," Cyrus groaned, his vision soon fading to black.

*

As Cyrus peeled his eyes open, it felt like a supernova had exploded in his brain. He groaned, rubbing his eyes as he rolled over onto his side.

He turned to look at the table to see a hand set down a glass of water and an aspirin. Peering through the blinding brightness, Cyrus sae TJ looking down at him in concern.

"Good morning," TJ said softly, holding out the pill to Cyrus, which he took without much convincing.

Cyrus took a few minutes to adjust to his surroundings, looking around TJ's mostly bare room.

"How are you? You feeling okay?" TJ asked, looking at Cyrus.

"Why do you care?" Cyrus said bluntly, taking TJ back.

"I, I care about you Cyrus," He said, shaking his head in confusion. "Where is that coming from?"

"Sorry, just, headache," Cyrus mumbled, pinching the bridge of his nose.

TJ sighed. "It's okay," He said quietly, leaning in to kiss Cyrus, but Cyrus leaned away, remembering the resolve he had last night. TJ furrowed his eyebrows, concerned.

"Don't," Cyrus whispered, holding out his hand.

"Don't what?"

"Don't do that. Don't kiss me, and cuddle with me while we watch movies or compliment me, and act like you want more and then go ahead and become cold and distant the next morning. I don't know how much more I can handle," Cyrus said, his voice cracking, keeping his gaze fixed on the bedsheets.

"What are you talking about, Cyrus?" TJ said shakily, knowing exactly what Cyrus was saying.

"What are we, TJ?" Cyrus asked desperately.

TJ looked at Cyrus, his gaze shifting around the room. He pulled at the skin on his thumb, biting his lip. "We're friends, Cyrus."

"You know that's not all we are."

"But that's what we are, Cyrus! I, I'm not sure if I can handle more. I have this career, and I can't let anything distract me. I need to be in the game."

"Then why did you lead me on?" Cyrus said, a tear escaping his eye.

"I, I didn't," TJ whispered, cupping Cyrus' cheek with his hand. "This just seemed like the best option. The easiest."

"Easy for you," Cyrus scoffed, looking up. "But what about me? What about me TJ? Do you think it's easy for me?"

"I'm sorry," TJ said, looking down.

"No, you aren't. Because you don't get it! You may not want more but, but I do," Cyrus said shakily. "TJ, I love you."

TJ looked like he had been hit by a bat when he heard Cyrus say those words. "Oh," was all he could say.

Cyrus just shook his head, laughing bitterly. "Every single time we did this, and you left, it hurt so fucking much. But I kept staying, because I was addicted. It was a pick-me-up. I thought you could change. But you can't save the night for me anymore, TJ."

With that, Cyrus got up, taking off the hoodie TJ had put on him the previous night and putting it in TJ's hand.

"Wait, Cyrus, please," TJ said, his voice desperate. He got up, grabbing Cyrus' hand and squeezing it. "Please don't go. Please. I'm sorry. This is good, what we have is good."

But Cyrus shook his head firmly. "Yeah, it's good. But I need to resist it. You can keep it if you want, but I'm not letting myself get hurt anymore."

TJ drew a shake breath, leaning in to try and kiss Cyrus, but Cyrus pushed him away, walking away to the front door. TJ ran after him, trying to find something, anything to say.

"Cyrus, please, I," TJ said, stammering. "I love you too. I really do. Please."

Cyrus stopped at the door, his hand hovering over the handle. He turned around to face TJ, his eyes full of tears. "It doesn't matter anymore."

"What can I do to fix this? Just tell me!"

"Time. That's all that can fix this, maybe."

TJ looked away, running a hand wildly through his hair. Cyrus looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold back his tears. But finally, he took a deep breath and looked at TJ.

"Goodbye TJ."

And with that, Cyrus walked away.

~~~~~~

....... I'm sorry did you expect fluff? Also this is terrible I'm sorry

[gb-fics]

A Man In Pain

Fanfiction:

Kiryuuin Shou x Kyan Yutaka (Golden Bomber)

Note: This story is for Golden Bomber’s newest PV. The song is ... about your neck hurting. So, the story is about neck pain, too. Please, check out the video here; the song is great fun: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7CuDlJqWrc&pbjreload=10

Kiryuuin Shou was a man who knew pain.

He knew the pain of sore muscles after a concert.

He knew the pain in his throat, back when singing had become almost unbearable.

He knew the pain of lying awake at night, when falling asleep seemed impossible and the sadness overwhelming.

He knew the pain of having to pay taxes and parting with money, that he could have hoarded on his bank account otherwise.

He knew the pain of unrequited love, whenever Kyan Yutaka laughed.

The pain in his neck, however, was new.

“Argh”, he groaned and pressed a hand against his neck as if the pain was really coming from the outside and he had to shield his body from it.

“My neck is killing me”, he added and let himself sink onto the hotel bed with his face down.

He pressed it into the white linen of the pillow, aware that he would probably leave stains on it. He had removed his make-up and taken a shower already, but no matter how throughout he cleaned his face, some leftovers of concealer always remained and dirtied sheets and towels in the colour of his skin. Sometimes, Shou thought that his face had secret wrinkles and hidden creases even he didn’t know about. Sometimes, he thought that his skin was coming off.

“You probably headbanged too hard at the concert tonight”, Yutaka said.

“Probably”, Shou mumbled.

His voice got swallowed by the pillow completely and he wasn’t sure Yutaka had even heard him. He should probably lift his head. It was getting hard to breath, too. But the fabric felt cool against his face and as long as there was only darkness in front of his eyes, Shou could pretend that nothing mattered for a little while.

“Also, you are growing old”, Yutaka added.

Shou turned his head now, placing his cheek on the pillow instead. It was uncomfortable warm by now. His body and muffled breath had heat it up.

He had turned his head away from the wall, so he could watch Yutaka walking around the room. He was already in his pyjamas, his hair still slightly damp from the shower. He kept running to and fro between the small bathroom and the second bed without rhyme or reason. Not moving, Shou followed him with his eyes.

He wondered if Yutaka knew how much Shou liked to watch him when they were sharing a hotel room during the tour like this. He liked how his hair was always dripping after the shower as if he didn’t bother with a towel at all, but skipped right to the hairdryer. He liked the tapping of his bare feet on the floor, because he never used the slippers the hotel provided. He liked how the screen of his mobile lit up his profile after they had switched off the lights already.

He also wondered if Yutaka knew how much Shou’s chest hurt, when he watched him like that. It wasn’t a sharp pain like someone had stabbed him. It was the searing pain of unrequited love, as if someone had poured acid all over his ribcage, and now it was eating away his body until it would reach his heart, and once it did, Shou would dissolve completely.

Yutaka finally turned off the lights in the bathroom and walked over to the bed. Tap, tap, his bare feet went.

He sat down at the edge of the bed, eyeing Shou as if he was considering something.

“I could give you a massage”, he offered.

Shou snorted. Partly, because he did not believe that Yutaka would actually do something like that. Partly, because the thought of Yutaka’s hands on his neck, on his shoulders, on his back, made his face heat up and he wanted to cover his own embarrassment somehow.

“As if, seriously”, he said.

“No, I mean it”, Yutaka said and got up from the bed again. He seemed weirdly eager all of a sudden.

Shou stared at the window behind Yutaka. The curtain was drawn. Outside it was already dark and no light was falling in through the dark blue fabric. It looked somewhat filthy, although he could not make out any stains. He couldn’t explain where that impression was coming from.

“A massage doesn’t help against muscle aching. And if I strained it, I should favour my neck, not let you mistreat it.”

“If I’m gentle, it will help you relax”, Yutaka insisted and took a step towards Shou’s bed.

Shou was still looking past him without moving. Watching Yutaka when he was not paying attention was one thing. But when they were alone together, it sometimes felt weird to meet his eyes. Shou didn’t want him to notice that he was staring.

“You are never gentle with me”, Shou said.

“You know that’s not true”, Yutaka protested. He was speaking softly, though.

“What do you even care?”, Shou mumbled.

Yutaka had now reached the bed, putting a knee on the mattress next to Shou and pausing. It seemed as if he couldn’t decide if to get on the bed or remain standing in front of it. Now, he was frozen in the movement in between.

“I need you to stay in good shape”, Yutaka said. “We are bandmembers, remember? Your neck is important for singing. It’s not like you broke a leg. In that case, I just wouldn’t care.”

Shou chuckled and turned his head lightly. His cheek was rubbing against the pillow, his face almost buried again.

“I’ll better watch out not to break any bones again, then”, he said dryly.

“Just let me try”, Yutaka said and finally climbed on the bed. Obviously, he had made his decision.

Shou felt himself tense up, although he had already guessed Yutaka’s intention. He swung his leg to Shou’s other side, kneeling down on top of him. Shou could sense his legs pressing against either side of his hips.

Shou felt vulnerable, lying flat on his stomach with Yutaka on top of him. He didn’t feel this helpless, because of what Yutaka might do to him. He felt helpless for all the things Shou would let him do right now, if only Yutaka wanted to.

Yutaka lowered his weight, sitting down on Shou’s butt. He was heavy, but not unbearable, so he was probably relying on the strength in his legs for support. His body was warm. Shou could feel it through the fabric of his pants.

He turned his head, pressing his face into the pillow completely now. He didn’t want Yutaka to see him. He wanted his face to feel less hot. He wanted to suffocate, if the pain got too bad.

He thought of Yutaka’s crotch so close to his butt. Wondered if he would be able to feel it, if Yutaka had an erection. Knew that Yutaka didn’t have an erection. His chest hurt. Acid was eating away to his heart. Soon he would disappear. Soon, he would just stop breathing.

Yutaka placed his hands on Shou’s shoulders, his thumbs hesitantly rubbing his neck as if trying to find the hurting spot.

“There?”, he asked quietly.

In spite of the pillow that already drowned out the world around him, Shou had closed his eyes, too.

Yutaka’s hands were warm and gentle and only where he touched him, Shou felt real.

He gave a vague muttering, that could mean anything at all.

Carefully, Yutaka massaged the line of his neck, that felt tense and calloused.

Shou’s body was falling apart. Lately, he was starting to feel more and more invisible, especially when he was around Yutaka. Everyone saw him. The fans did, the haters did, the cameras did. Only Yutaka didn’t seem to notice him. He didn’t notice the way Shou’s eyes followed him through the room, nor the way he shuddered whenever Yutaka brushed against him carelessly. He was invisible to the one person that mattered and by now, Shou felt unreal. His chest was dissolving, his face was coming off.

Right now, too, his body seemed to fall away and disappear right beneath Yutaka, because he just wasn’t aware of it. Only the part of his neck that Yutaka was touching, existed. His back, that wanted to be caressed, didn’t exist. His lips, that wanted to be kissed, didn’t exist. His butt, that … well, his butt didn’t exist either. Shou’s body wasn’t real, because Yutaka wasn’t paying attention to it.

“Is it helping?”, Yutaka asked.

His neck still hurt. His chest, now, hurt, too.

“You are making it worse”, Shou pressed out.

His voice sounded hoarse to himself and at the verge of breaking. Maybe the pillow would muffle the sounds enough to hide the tears in it. Maybe Yutaka wouldn’t notice, because he could not hear Shou as well as he could not see him.

Yutaka’s hands pulled back.

Shou expected him to climb down from him now, but for a moment, Yutaka just stayed in place without touching him.

“I’m sorry”, he said. “I just wanted to try.”

“Well, it doesn’t help”, Shou announced harshly and turned his head.

He still couldn’t see Yutaka like that, but he could breath again. His voice was back under control. Shou had a lot of practice at not letting his feelings show. Too often they were alone, too often they were touching. By now, he could fall apart without anyone noticing.

“I’m sorry”, Yutaka repeated. It was rare for him to apologize so much.

His weight finally disappeared. The mattress underneath him shifted, as Yutaka climbed down from the bed.

“You should keep your neck warm, though. I think I have a scarf somewhere around here.”

“I have my own scarf”, Shou protested. “But it will be too hot.”

He closed his eyes. Right now, he couldn’t stand to watch Yutaka moving around the room. He heard his footsteps, though. Tap, tap.

“Here it is”, he called out.

“I told you, I don’t want it”, Shou said.

He realized himself that he sounded grumpy. Yutaka didn’t deserve that kind of treatment. He was just trying to be nice. But his kindness made it harder to become invisible again. Once Yutaka looked at him, Shou wanted to remain existing.

“Warmth is the best cure”, Yutaka insisted and walked over again.

He put a grey, woollen scarf around Shou’s shoulders like an additional blanket. The back of his neck felt very warm underneath.

Shou kept his eyes shut and waited for Yutaka to leave. Instead, he heard rustling next to the bed.

Blinking slowly, Shou opened his eyes again.

Yutaka had knelt down next to the end of the bed. His face was almost eyelevel with Shou now. Without moving, Shou had no other option but to stare right into his face. Yutaka’s eyes were dark. He met them rarely, nowadays.

“Is there anything else I can do?”, Yutaka asked.

It was strange to experience him that caring, but not unfamiliar. Yutaka had a caring trait about him, that he didn’t show to everyone. Shou was pretty sure, that Yutaka showed it to him most of all.

“I’ll be fine”, he said quietly.

“Are you sure?”, Yutaka inquired.

He reached out and pushed a strand of hair back behind Shou’s ear. His fingers remained lingering against Shou’s cheek for a moment.

“Sure”, Shou said.

He pressed his eyes shut again. He wanted Yutaka to leave. He wanted him to make things a little easier for Shou. He was tired of hurting all the time.

“Shou”, Yutaka said quietly and put his hand onto Shou’s shoulder for a brief moment. It sounded as if he wanted to say something else and Shou was scared that he had looked at him, that he had noticed, that he had heard. The only thing worse than being invisible to Yutaka, was being visible and rejected. He wouldn’t dissolve. He would shatter into a million little pieces and each of the shards would keep on hurting, if he didn’t manage to mend them back together. Shou wasn’t good at mending.

He kept quiet, and he kept his eyes closed and his lips pressed together.

Yutaka sighed and his hand disappeared. Shou heard him get up and return to his own bed.

“We should go to sleep, I guess”, he heard him say.

Yutaka’s voice was far away. Although he had only retreated to the other side of the room, the distance between them seemed almost unbridgeable now.

Sometimes, Shou thought that Yutaka knew. And sometimes, on very few occasions only, Shou moreover thought that Yutaka didn’t mind. Then he wondered if the insisting on a massage, if a hand on his cheek that lingered a little too long, or a scarf that was supposed to keep him warm, actually meant more. Maybe those gestures were Yutaka’s way of taking the first step.

But then Shou thought of all the things that could go wrong. Of what would happen, if the gestures weren’t gestures and they didn’t mean anything at all. He was scared of being shattered. But he was also scared of breaking up the band. He was scared of bothering Yutaka and scared of being judged by everyone. He was scared it would make work harder and he was scared of troubling the fans. If he managed to just fade away quietly, at least he wouldn’t hurt anyone but himself.

If Yutaka wanted to reach him, just taking a step wasn’t enough. He would have to come all the way. Shou was too scared to move.

“Good night”, he said.

A soft click resounded in the room, as Yutaka switched off the lights. The darkness behind Shou’s eyelids became even darker.

He wondered if Yutaka was still scrolling on his mobile. He wondered if the screen was illuminating his profile. He wondered if his lips would curl up in a smile, whenever he saw a funny post.

Shou wanted to open his eyes and check on him badly. He wanted to watch Yutaka, because that was what he always wanted to do.

To eliminate the temptation, he rolled to the side, turning his back towards Yutaka’s bed and his face towards the white wall of the hotel room.

He groaned as he moved.

Lying still, he had almost forgotten how sore the rest of his body felt. It wasn’t just the neck. It was his back, too, and his legs that felt heavy and painful. Today on stage, he had really overdone it.

“The neck?”, Yutaka asked.

“Everything”, Shou groaned. “The neck, the shoulders, the back, the arms, the legs.”

The scarf had fallen over his shoulder and was now touching Shou’s cheek. It smelled of Yutaka.

“Stay warm”, Yutaka reminded him.

“For fuck’s sake, Yutaka”, Shou called out. “Warmth doesn’t help against everything!”

The scarf in his face made him angry, but if he moved his arm, he would have to move his shoulders as well, and the pain would grow worse. But the kindness hurt, too. Yutaka’s smell all around him hurt.

“You could at least let me try to help you!”, Yutaka returned, now also raising his voice.

“You don’t know what kind of pain I’m dealing with”, Shou spit out.

He wanted to take the words back immediately, because they gave away too much. But a part of him had also wanted to get them out. A part of him had wanted to force Yutaka to finally listen. In the dark, it was easier to speak. In the dark, no one could see you anyway.

“I know”, Yutaka said, very softly.

Shou’s chest felt weird. It wasn’t hurting. It wasn’t fluttering. It was just very cold.

Yutaka wasn’t supposed to know.

“I could help with that pain, too”, he added. “But you won’t even let me close to you.”

“You are making it worse”, Shou repeated the words he had spoken earlier.

This time, even Yutaka couldn’t miss out on their true meaning.

“I could make it better, too”, Yutaka said. “If you gave me a fair chance. But you are so scared I will hurt you, that you won’t even let me try.”

Shou pressed his eyes close again. This time, it was to hold back the tears.

Too scared to move, still.

“How would you even try?”, he forced out.

His voice was even, more or less. Long practice there, too.

It wasn’t just a question. He was begging Yutaka to take another step. All of the steps, until the pain in Shou’s chest would vanish. With the right answer, it might disappear.

For a long time, there was nothing but silence.

Then Shou heard rustling from the other bed. Tap, tap. Bare feet on the floor. Hesitant steps. Several of them.

Shou’s heart beat violently.

His blanket was pulled back. The mattress sunk under additional weight. Yutaka lay down. He wrapped his arm around Shou from behind.

“I’d keep you warm”, he said.

Shou inhaled deeply. It sounded shaky.

Yutaka’s chest was resting against his back, keeping it warm. His legs were against the back of Shou’s legs, keeping them warm. His hand was pressing against his chest, slowly melting the cold away. He didn’t feel like dissolving, he didn’t feel like shattering. Held like this, his body was real and present.

“Because, you know”, Yutaka mumbled and the scarf was pulled down a little from Shou’s neck. “Warmth helps with everything.”

His lips were soft against Shou’s neck. They felt warm, too.

“Maybe it does”, Shou whispered back quietly and took Yutaka’s hand, entwining their fingers in front of his chest.

Kiryuuin Shou was a man who knew pain.

He knew the pain of having to pay taxes and parting with money, that he could have hoarded on his bank account otherwise.

He knew the pain of lying awake at night, when falling asleep seemed impossible and the sadness overwhelming.

He knew the pain in his throat, back when singing had become almost unbearable.

He knew the pain of sore muscles after a concert.

But when Kyan Yutaka held him in his arms like this, he almost didn’t hurt at all.

[myvelouri]

I feel like I'm not lookin too fresh anymore. I mean... is it youth? It's feeling... distant. Everything feels tried, there's no hopeful distant future anymore. There isn't so much time as there was before. But for me, it didn't really matter. I was robbed of a lot. Regular folk wouldn't understand it so they wouldnt empathize at all. Fuck you to them. I'm still robbed of many things. I'm not just a regular dude. Somebody, lets jam some heavy tunes. My neck is sore from headbanging. Slipknot's album Iowa is quite amazing. I had no idea. I used to listen to a few slipknot songs when I was 16 that I downloaded from kazaa. If you all remember that. Basically torrents. I miss the simpler times back then. Well, it's relative, relative to your own specific life. To me, those times were simpler. Anyway, I had a few random slipknot songs from many different albums, I didn't even know. But listening to Iowa, it's just wow. I haven't finished it all yet. I'm really frustrated right now. There's a lot to be frustrated with if you lived my life. Also, Will & Grace is an awesome show. Used to watch it when I was a smol. Watchin it again on shit-tastic Hulu. No homo. Not that I'd care if I was. Hey, you. You make me sad.

[dreamcatch22]

Mastodon at Iron City Bham - 04/28/17

I saw Mastodon perform for the third time this past Friday night. Back in 2010, I saw Mastodon open for Deftones and Alice in Chains at Lakewood Amphitheatre. In 2011, I saw Mastodon live at Tabernacle Atlanta for my 22nd birthday. Iron City was packed. The mosh pits were small but still rippled across the floor. My neck is still sore from all of my headbanging. I normally would've posted a video along with all of the pictures, but I wastoo busy enjoying the show. Immersing yourself in an experience can be more satisfying than being solely focused on recording it. Mastodon stormed through some of my favorite songs like "Oblivion," "Divinations," "Ember City," "Crystal Skull," and "Colony of Birchmen" with precision and a force that shouldn't be reckoned with or questioned. Brent Hinds's grandmother also showed up on stage and danced alongside the rest of the band. At the very end of the show, Brent Hinds got down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend. She said, "Yes!" Now that's one way to wrap up your show. Congratulations to the both of you, and God bless your marriage!!