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wandsandwheezes · 4 years ago

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Fake It | Weasley Twins | CH1

Warnings | 18+ SMUT, mature themes, fake relationships, secret relationships, love, sex, drama, angst, fluff.

Summary // Fred Weasley has been set up to publicly date Y/N, London's best Quidditch Seeker in order to drum up some publicity. Y/N however has a different ginger man on her mind; George Weasley.

He was giving you that look. not the look, that look - the one that told you to stop doing what you were doing. It wasn't often that you'd layer it on thick for the press, making sure that you're giggling as you press your hand to his chest. With each flash of a picture you make sure you're striking a different pose. It was hard work being a liar, but it was even harder work without the publicity you gained.

Your Publicist Cheryl or 'cherry' as she begged you to call her, had devised her own scheming plan to generate not only some amazing press for you, a well established quidditch player, but also some well-needed hype and sales for Fred Weasley's shop. After all, it's not every day that London's best quidditch player was dating Infamous Fred Weasley, Gryffindor Star beater and all-in-all stellar man. The plan had been well and truly in action for just over four months, With Fred the main face of the shared brand with his brother George, it felt like the best option according to Cherry.

You were leaning into Fred, answering press questions about the latest win, how you were feeling about the upcoming game and, of course the all too regularly asked update on the relationship. You were 'very happy with a man like Fred', he was smiling down at you, gushing sappily "She may be the best Seeker in the game, but my god is she a keeper." The line made you sick to your stomach, When Cherry had pitched it to you both, you were groaning in disgust, but as she pulled the lollipop from her bright red lips with a pop, staring at you with raised eyebrows, you knew it had to be done.

As the interview began to wrap up, you thanked the photographers and journalists, grabbing Fred's hand and interlocking your fingers with a beaming smile, you made sure the cameras could see, after all the last issue of the Daily Prophet branded it as a 'winning smile'. You were escorted away from the press, once out of sight from them, your hand dropped from Fred's grip. "Well done for not making that so not obviously fake." you quipped at him, going to pull your coat on and check your phone for any messages. He laughed, imitating your voice, "Oh, Fred, you're so handsome, won't you just kiss me right now?" You scoffed, throwing your bag over your shoulder. Your phone had three messages when the screen had lit up, your stomach feeling like it had butterflies when you noticed the name.

>> Do I get to see my beautiful girl later?

>> I got your favourite for dinner.

>> I miss your lips already

You felt like the luckiest girl alive in his presence, he made you feel like a princess - a queen even, with every night you spent with him. It all started at Hogwarts for you two, after all, It's not often you get to see the best Slytherin seeker and the Gryffindor star beater together. It really wasn't often because you'd been hiding your relationship for that long. He taught you quidditch skills that got you to where you are today during late, late night practices, often ending with makeout sessions on the grass as you straddled his hips,giggling into the bitter Scottish air.

You fell in love with George Weasley as a teenager, and for 6 years you had kept your relationship a well-guarded secret. Even through the war, you kissed each other goodbye, praying that it was only a see you later. You knew that one day you would marry the gorgeous man you loved so dearly. You tried to persuade Cherry, who had and still has no clue about your true relationship status, for it to be George you had a public relationship with, but she quickly shut the idea down because George was 'too quiet'.

<< I miss you so much Georgie… heading back to the shop with fred now

<< btw I'm staying over tonight, I won't suffer another night without kisses :'((

>> Just kisses? ;)

<< Shut up.

<< I love you xx

>> I Love you too, babygirl xx

>> Daddy can't wait to see you <3

George stood lazily, arms draped over the balcony as he was smiling down at his phone like a muppet. He was so head over heels with you that he wasn't sure what to do with himself. George wasn't mad that you had to fake date his twin, after all, he'd rather it be Fred than some random quidditch man, or worst of all, Krum. He knew and recognised how important it was to your career plus, what good businessman turns down the opportunity to rake in some sales? It hurt to read the papers sometimes, seeing how much attention you both got together, a part of him wished it was he who got to show you off.

When you entered the shop, you caught George's eyes immediately, a bashful smile spread across your face, immediately feeling like a schoolgirl again in his presence. Fred sulked off to his office, leaving you to browse the shop until your driver arrived to take you to team practice. You were browsing the upper back wall of products when you felt his stare on you, he was meters away from you and you ached to draw him in for a kiss. You reached out to him, making the grabby hands that he couldn't resist, he checked over his shoulder, seeing nobody, before waking over to you, he pulled you into a quick and needy kiss by your neck, his other hand finding your hip.

"I'll be home after practice," you mumbled between kisses. It was common for you to travel to his via floo, arriving at the place you truly called home, leaving a vacant and empty flat behind. He shook his head, the tip of his nose brushing against yours. "Too long to wait," he laughed softly, his lips pressing to yours again, you were just about to deepen the kiss when you heard Cherry yell out, "Y/N let's go or you'll be late for practice!" You sighed, leaving your boyfriend behind, fingertips being the last thing to separate as you walked away, leaving him dumbfounded.

Practicing with your team was always a long, tough grind, your captain worked you hard and she knew it was all for the best, she was due soon to step down from her duty as captain, leaving the team in your hands, so you felt like you were learning double constantly. The warm water running down your skin made you crave George's touch even more, pushing the thought of Fred's hand on your hip out of your mind completely, you simply couldn't wait.

When you arrived home, George, as promised had your favourite dinner ready for you. He was an amazing chef, using muggle techniques and tools to help create the perfect dishes without the need for magic. You shrugged off your jacket and bag, relaxing into the dining table chair as George brought out your bowl, his hands were massaging your shoulders as you ate, "Aren't you gonna eat, Georgie?" you questioned him, he smirked, "I've been waiting for you to get home so I could have my favourite." George was on his knees, hands reaching up to pull down your leggings, you lifted your hips up, allowing him to drag the material down each of your legs, hooking them over his shoulders,

You knew exactly what he was doing, your hands found his hair and he tutted, breath fanning over your pussy as he looked up at you. "I made your favourite for you, Princess, You always liked it when we eat together." His tongue darted out to lick over your covered slit, feeling you already wet through your underwear, he hummed in appreciation, his teeth pulling the material to the side before attaching his lips to your clit.

Every time he hummed against you, it made you shake, the task of eating dinner becoming more and more strenuous, as you struggled to swallow down the food while he was pulling such sinful moans from you. George's skilled tongue was fucking your cunt, swallowing everything he could like it was the last meal he'd ever eat, and godric did he think you tasted divine, his thumb came up to circle your clit slowly, bringing you closer and closer to the ege.

Thing is with George, he doesn't stop till he's got what he wanted. "Finish your dinner, baby," he smirked, a long finger slowly teasing your entrance, "I'm not finished until you are too." he was a determined man, by your second orgasm you could hardly hold up your fork, but nevertheless you soldiered on, managing to swallow the last piece just before number three hit, your legs were shaking and you were moaning incoherent sentences. That was possibly the best meal of your life, your weak legs could hardly hold you up when you tried to stand.

George pulled you up into his arms, carrying you to the bed where he found your favourite shirt of his, helping you change into it, he left to make you a cup of tea, bringing it into the bedroom for you. sitting contently beside each other.

George's phone buzzed on the side, he read the message from fred. Laughing before showing it to you, the irony all too funny for him to resist.

>> George, if only you had to do this… Fancy swapping places at the product launch on Saturday?

<< Love to, but I'm not sure that's how the whole twin thing works.

>> With an ass like hers, I don't mind it too much… shame, she seems like your type.

The last text from him made george both laugh and be angry at him sexualising his girl. You laugh, pressing a soft kiss to your boyfriend’s jaw before taking a sip of your tea, "He doesn't know George."

He hums a little bit before typing a reply.

<< It really is a shame, she does have a nice ass.

You scoff, rolling your eyes - Men.

///TO BE CONTINUED/// Chapter Two >>>>>

Taglist // @starlightweasley @slytherinsunrise @gcdric @theweasleysredhair @whiz-bangs78 @weasleysflowr @vogueweasley @minty-malfoy @vivianweasley @feetoffthetablee @thisismynerdyself @rip-us @witch-and-a-half @sarcasticallywitty15 @pandaxnienke @loony-loopy-lupinn

#george weasley #george weasley x reader #fred and george #george weasley fic #harry potter #mutuals innit #weasley twins #fred weasley #harry potter fic #fred weasley x reader #george weasley fluff #george weasley smut #harry potter smut #harry potter writing #Fake It Fic

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popculturebuffet · 4 years ago

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 1990 Review: Still Possesses Turtle Power After All These Years

Cowabunga all you happy people! I freaking love the Teenage Ninja Turtles. I grew up with it from Turtles in Time, which was my first video game, to the 2003 cartoon, which I covered the first three episodes of last month, and on to present day as I re-read the idw comics after finally reading the original eastman and laird run of mirage, and impatiently waiting for Shredder’s Revenge to come out after a LONG drout of no good TMNT games. I”m a fan of these heroes four, their dynamic as a family, the endless possiblities that come from it’s long history and ablitlity to go anywhere in any genre, and the wonderful goofy shit that happens when you have a franchise about mutant turtles learning ninjitsu from a rat and fighting a dude covered in knife covered samurai armor.

So with me finally covering the guys after almost a year last month and with a new movie set to debut at some point this year, I had the bright idea to revisit the FIRST TMNT movie after way too many years of not watching it. This movie is anear and dear to my heart: When I first started getting into the boys big as a kid with the 2003 cartoon, I badly wanted more turtles. But back then it wasn’t nearly as easy to glom onto some more of the sewer shock pizza kings: Streaming sites with all the cartoons on them weren’t all that accesable, dvd’s were expensive for the 87 cartoon, Mirage wasn’t reprinting the comics in any meaningful way and my local comic shop didn’t have any at all and I could only play the SNES when my brother had it set up on occasion like at our Grandma’s farm.

As you probably guessed though there was one exception: the original 1990 movie, which I got at Walmart for 5 bucks and haven’t let go of since. It was one of my first dvds and is still one of my most precious. Said film hit the spot just right as like my beloved 2003 series, it was a mildly goofy but still fucking cool adaptation that stuck closer to the mirage comics, even more than the 2003 series would, while taking a few queues from the 87 series. This film is as precious to me as the 2003 series and a with a brand new movie coming up, I figured it was the exact right time to dig into this classic: what makes it still good to this day, what’s fun to point and laugh at, and how the heck Jim Henson got involved in this. So join me under the cut as I take a look at my boys first theatrical outing and why I still love watching a turtle.

No One Wanted To Make This: Before we get into the film itself some background. As usual I struggled a bit, but thankfully found some help in the form of this Hollywood Reporter article. It’s a fascinating read worth your time, providing an oral history of the film from the people who worked on it.

The film was the baby of Gary Propper, a surfer dude and road manager for the prop comic Gallagher, aka that guy who used to smash watermelons but now has instead opted to smash what little’s left of his career by being a homophobic douchenozzle. He found an ally in Showtime producer Kim Dawson who’d produced Gallagher’s special. I don’t think there will be more of an 80′s sentence than “Gallagher’s surfer dude agent wanted to make a teenage mutant ninja turtles movie”. Propper was a huge fan of the comics, and with Dawson’s help convinced Laird and Eastman to let them option it to studios.

It may come as a shock to you but the road agent for a homophobic watermelon man and a producer at a niche cable channel wanting to make a movie based on an underground comic book about masked turtles at a time when the two most recent comic book movies were Superman IV: The Quest for Peace and Howard the Duck, did not go well. Every door in Hollywood got slammed in their face, even Fox> Even the eventual backer of the film, Golden Harvest, a hong kong action film studio, took months to convince to actually back the film.

Things did not get easier from there: The films writer Bobby Herbeck had trouble getting a story agreed on because Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird’s working relationship had deteroiated horribly from the stress so naturally the two could not agree on a damn thing and argued with each other. Peter Laird made a tense siutation even worse by constnatly sniping at Herbeck and feeling he was a “Hollywood outsider infringing on his vision and characters”

Granted the script was apparently not great... but Pete still comes off as a pretnetious ass who views his weird indie comic as THE HIGHEST OF HIGH CALLINGS HOW DARE YOU SOIL IT. And continued to be kind of a prick like this throughout the rest of his time with the property.

Thankfully the film found i’ts voice, vision and director in Steve Barron. Barron was a music video guy who knew the producers and while reluctant, eventually dove into the project rightfully thinking the film would need to be a mix of the mirage comics and 87 cartoon, keeping aprils’ reporter job, the turtles lvoe of pizza and their iconic color coding from the cartoon but adapting several stories from the comics as the backbone of the film. The guys liked barron MUCH better and things ran smoother.

Barron also brought in one of the film’s biggest selling points and it’s most valuable asset: it’s triumphantly awesome Jim Henson costumes. Barron had worked with good old Jim on the music videos for Labyrinth, and while it took some convincing since the comics were violent as hell and that wasn’t Jim’s style, Barron eventually got him on board. This naturally doubled the budget, but given Henson’s costumes STILL hold up today and look better than the cgi used in the platinum dunes films... it was a good call. And this was brand new tech for jim, having to invent tons of new ideas and mechanisms just to make the things work, and said things still were absolute hell on the actors. Jim later ended up not liking the film for being too violent... which I find hilarious given how many muppets got eaten or blowed up real good on his show but regardless, I thank this legendary and wonderful man as without him this film WOULD NOT have worked. The costumes here look great, feel realistic, and you can’t tell the actors were dubbed much less horribly suffering in those suits. Much like Disney Land.

The film would get picked up for distribution by New Line, and despite i’ts weird as hell origins and the long shot it had.. the film was a MASSIVE hit at the box office, owing to a combination of Batman 89 the previous year having proved comic book movies can work for audiences, the cartoon’s runaway sucess, and a massive marketing campaign. The film made it’s mark. So now we know how we got here let’s get into the film itself.

What’s the Story Morning Glory?:

So the story for this one is largely cobbled together from some of the more notable arcs Eastman and Laird did before handing off the book to others full time as the stress of the company and the mounting tension with each other made it near impossible to work together on the book itself.

To Save time i’m just going through what hte movie takes from the comics plot wise now to save me the trouble later:The movie takes elements from the first issue (The Turtles, Splinter and Shredder’s backstories, Shredder being fully human and the main antagonist, Shredder’s design and the final rooftop showdown that results in Shredder’s death), second and third, (April’s apartment over her dad’s old store and the turtles moving in when their home is ransacked and splinter has gone missing), the rapheal micro series (A tounge in cheek way of cashing in on the Mini-Series craze of the 80s, a one shot by modern standards and something that’s tragically been underused as an idea as only TMNT and MLP have used the idea at IDW, Raph meeting casey and their fight with one another), the return of shredder arc (One of the turtles being ambushed and mobbed by the foot and then thrown though a sky light (Leo in the comic and Raph here), the turtles being horribly outnumbered by them, Casey coming ot the rescue and metting the non-raph turtles for the first time, and them being forced to escape when the place goes up in flames), their exile to northampton (April writing in a journal, casey working on a car with one of the guys and one of hte guys looking over hteir injured brother), and finally, their triumphant return which was very loosely adapted as there are no deformed shredder clones and shredder not being dead yet in this version was not brought back by a colony of super science worms.

So as for how this all comes together: Our story takes place in New York: A crimewave is high with muggings mysterious. There are a ton of phantom thefts going around and at most people have been seeing teens responsibile. And the police.. are at about this level of useful:

The only person doing something is April O’Neil, played by Judith Hoag. Hoag is easily the standout of the film, giving us a strong, confident woman with a wonderful sense of humor. She honestly might be my faviorite April O Neil, and given we’ve had some great ones with 2003, 2012 and Rise, that’s not something I say lightly. I honestly wish I’d recognized her in more stuff as she was both on Nashville and the mom in the Halloween Town films, and most recently was on the ScFy show the magicians. She’s a talented lady and i’m glad she’s still goin.

April is a reporter for Channel 3 like the cartoon, though for some weird reason her boss from the cartoon is replaced by Charles Pennigton, played by Jay Patterson, whose currently dealing with his troubled son Danny, played by Micheal Turney. Pennington is horribly useless at both jobs: At work he tries to ease April off calling out Chief Sterns, who refuses to listen to April’s evidence gathered from japanese immigrants that the crimes resemble similar ones in japan in favor of trying to get charles to shut her up. Danny meanwhile is a member of the foot becase his dad thinks shouting out him and talking about him like he’s not there and generally being a dipstick will actually do anything to help him.

I love the concept for the foot here. In addition to being a Ninja Violence Gang as always, they now recruit new members by finding kids without families or with troubled family lives and giving them a sense of family with the foot, and sweeting the bargin with a giant cave filled with arcade machines, a skate ramp and general late 80′s early 90′s kids goodies. Is it rediculous? Yes. Is it also clever as it gives Shredder an easy army of plausably deniable theives that he can pick the best out of to put in his elite that will be tirelessly loyal to him and him alone? Also yes.

So April being public about this stuff gets her attacked, which naturally leads to our heroes coming in, first in the shadows and later directly when April wont’ give up on the case and Shredder sends some ninjas to go shut her up.. which he does weirdly as the guy jsut slaps her and tells her to cut it out like he’s on a domestically abusive episode of Full House. Raph saves her, and we get the turtles origin.. though weirdly they cut it in half. We get the ooze portion but Splinter’s past with Saki, Saki’s murder of his master and his master’s partern Tang Shen is left for later in the film and the fact Shredder’s saki is treated as a big twist despite the fact the biggest audience for the film would be kids... and kids would’ve been familiar with the cartoon where the giant brain monster routinely screeches out saki at the shredder. Maybe Barron just thought he was an alcoholic I don’t know. It just would’ve made more sense to have it all at once and let the audeince put it together.

April becomes good friends with the turtles over a night of frozen pizza and camradrie, but the Splinters return home to find it ransacked, Splinter kidnapped by the foot, and are forced to Stay with april. Charles meanwhile tries to get April to backoff because he made a deal with the police to clear Danny’s record, without TELLING her any of this mind you, but I will save my rage on that little plot point for in a bit as Danny who he drug along sees the turtles and tells the Shredder.

So we get the return of the shredder arc as Raph goes through a window, our heroes fight valiantly, and Raph’s friend Casey who he met earlier shows up, the two having bonded as all true friends do.. by beating the shit out of each other ending with raph shouting DAMNNNNNNN really big and dramatically into the sky for some reason. The Turtles and friends escape with an injured raph from April’s burning second hand store. She had a second hand store it was poorly established and only there because she had it in the comics.

Our heroes retreat to a farm April’s grandma owned in Northampton, Massachutes, where Mirage was located at the time the original comics where they were exiled to the place were written and a location that has been a staple of the turtles ever since. The turtles slowly recover, lick their wounds, talk about who hooked up with who on gilligans island etc, before Leo connects with Splinter via meditation, who tells them to come back. Splinter also starts to connect with Danny and convinces him to swtich sides.. or at the very least squat in the boys old home.

The boys return home, find danny, and prepare, Danny goes back and ends up giving away the Turtles are home.. but the turtles are ready and in an awesome sequence kick the fuck out of the foot squad sent for them with some well prepared steam vents. Casey goes to get splinter since Danny told them and with Danny’s help, finds him, since Danny found out they were gonna kill him. Casey beats up Tatsu, shredder’s right hand man, and they get him out.

We get our final fight which is awesome up until the climax.. which is splinter casually tripping shredder with nunchucks and thier bloody history being kind of rushed and unsatsifying. Casey crushes shredder with a garbage truck, April gets her job back, more on that in a moment, she and casey hook up, and we end with the fucking awesome song T-U-R-T-L-E Power by partners in cryme. Seriously check it out it’s fucking triumphant.

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The song is just good.. cheesy? Sure but that’s half the fun. It’s the gold standard for movie theme songs for them and stacks up handily with the various animated series themes.. all of which slap. Okay... ALMOST all of which slap. Fast Forwards is aggressively medicore, which is doubly suprising to me since 4kids was REALLY damn good with theme songs. It was one of the three things they were best at along with finding VERY talented voice actors and setting japan based works in america because merica dammit.

The plot is very solid: It skilfully packed half of eastman and laird’s run on TMNT into 90 mintues while adding things like April’s job at channel 9, the way the foot recurited kids etc. The plot flows well for hte most part and apart from one annoying subplot we’ll get to never has a moment that feel unecessary or dosen’t pay off later. And the stellar plot and fun pacing of it helps boilster the characters that do work... and help paper over the ones that are so thin the’yd fall down a grate...

Our Heroes, Villains and Annoying Middle Aged Guys:

Yeahhhh character is hit and miss here. Some are rather strong, others are the bare basics for the character their adapting and most are just to serve the plot but some work some don’t, So let’s talk about it starting with our boys:

Raph is the most fleshed out of the turtles, being the main focus of the first 2/3 of the film, and having his anger be part of what SHOULD be a character arc, learning to temper it. And while granted MOST TMNT properties do this, to the point that Rise Raph is so loveable in part because his boisterous bruiser big bro attitude is a refreshing break from the usual grumpus we get. But at the time this hadn’t been done in every version but the 87 cartoon, so exploring it was valid.. but despite saying this should be a thing htey just forget about it and the most plot relevance he gets is going thorugh a window. He dosen’t really get a resolution.. his arc just kind of stops dead for the final half and it’s one of the film’s weaker points, one I only just now noticed on this rewatch. He’s still the most entertaining.

Leo is the weakest of the turtles. He really lacks a personality here mostly just being leader and while his spirtual side is touched on, it’s mostly a plot device. He’s just kinda the leader because he was in the comics to the point Partners in Cryme called Raph the leader. His role in getting taken out by the foot was taken by Raph, so he just has.. nothing to do for most of the film other than gripe at raph ocasionally and say orders. He’s probably the worst Leo i’ve seen outside of Next Mutation. I prefice that because after watching Phelous’ review it’s VERY clear those four are the worst versions of the characters, and no personality is still better than either having your team do nothing or yelling at them as your personality. I chalk this up to the Mirage Leo, and the mirage turtles to a poit being kind of bland. Not TERRIBLE characters, especially for the time, but not nearly as fleshed out or individualized as they woudl be in other adpatations, and with most traits LEo DID have, like his badassery flat out gone, he’s just.. nothing here.

Mikey and Donnie are a double act here with both sharing a brain. Interestingly instead of his normal genius character, Donnie is Mikey’s best friend and the two simply trade jokes and schtick together. The two are interchangable.. but easily the best part of the film and a lot of the most memorable gags and lines, from Ninja Kick the Damn Rabbit! to “Do you like Penicllin on your pizza”, are from them. Thier there almost entirely as comic relief but it works, with both clealry being more modled ont he 87 cartoon turtles, a move that helps lighten the mood in darker moments. Their just genuinely charming and it’s intresting to see such a diffrent version of Donnie, and other incarnations, specifically the 2003 and Rise versions, would retain the sarcastic edge.

Splinter is splinter. That’s about it, he’s peformed well and the puppet is amazing but he gets kidnapped a half an hour in and outside of influcencing Denny, more on that in a moment, and finishing Shredder he dosen’t do much but spout exposition. He’s not bad or anything, but he’s essentially a rodent shaped plot device. He was also puppeted by Kevin CLash, aka the guy who does Elmo. So there you go.

April on the other hand.. is truly excellent. This might be my faviorite April. Judith’s april nicely blends the cartoon and mirage versions: She has the cartoons energy and job, but the comics sheer will and casual nature. Judith just oozes personality and her April is just a joy to watch, from her breezy chemistry filled interactions with the guys to her confrntation with Chief Sterns, knowing she’ll get thrown out by the asshole. She’s confident, and even when afraid dosen’t back down to her attackers and even helps out during the sewer ambush. I mean it’s a pot on the head but still it’s neat. She’s easily the best part of the flim and the most fleshed out of the cast. The worst I can say is they kinda shove her store from the comics, Second Time Around, in there for no other reason than it was in the comics: It dosen’t come up until it’s needed for the foot’s assault on her place. But overall.. she’s just fantastic to watch.

Speaking of fantastic to watch, Elias Koteas is fantastic as Casey. Seriously he’s only second to the 2003 version in my eyes, getting the concept of a testorone filled average guy who decided to just go out and hit people with sports equipment after watching too much A-Team.. I mean that part of it’s not in this version but it’s implied, just right. Like judith, Elias is just really funny to watch and his big scenes, showing up just in time during the foot assault on april’s place and his fight with Tatsu are some of the best parts of the film, the former taken directly from the comics. This version isn’t without problems: His friendship with Raph, his most endearing aspect and one that has been carried throughout eveyr version Casey’s important, with the only exception so far being rise and we have a movie to fix that, is absent here. HE does save the guy, but they don’t really bond or anything. In fact he disappears for about half an hour after his big fight with Raph. But... again he’s just so damn entertaining, down to his JOSEEEEEEEEEEE Conseco bats (There was a two for one sale!).

Shredder is just a LITTLE better than splinter, if only because his actor projects a true aura of menace and I feel this version had some influence on the pants crappingly terrifying 2003 version. And the idea of the foot recurting teenagers like I said is a good one: He gives them home and a cause, they give him plausably deniable backup. And his fight with the boys in the climax is really awesome... the conclusion sucks but otherwise h’es okay. Not the deepest villian, but he has enough presence to be enjoyable.

His right hand man Tatsu, whose been adapted ocasionally since this and reimaigned as Natsu in the IDW comics, a female version, is also fine. He’s your standard grimacing goon but has enough presence to work.

So that brings us to the penningtons. Charles, april’s boss at the station and his son Danny who’s joined the foot as he feels his dad dosen’t love him. Charles..is about as interesting and likeable as a dog turd and is the worst aspect of the film. No debate there, he just sucks. He sucks so hard he’s classified as a black hole. The film wants you to see him as a put upon wokring dad whose frustrated with his son’s increased moodiness, skipping school and crminal undertakings and just wants to help him and loves him deep down. The problem is his actor’s delivery instead of concerned.. is just pissed. He just seems pissy and upset about the whole thing and comes off like he’s only mad about Danny doing this because he’s embarassing him and not because you know, it’s bad. When confronting Danny about stealing, he dosen’t consider MAYBE he’s part of a gang or needs help, but just wonders “Why are you stealing when I give you stuff”. Because, Dipshit, sometimes kids do crimes not because they need the stuff but because they WANT to, and because they want to act the fuck out.

The most he does for the kid is agree to try and get April to back off the police when Cheif Sterns offers to let Danny go and not put him on record in exchange for it. The problem.. is this makes him even MORE unsympathetic. While I do get wanting to help your child, I do and it’s a sucky position... he again should be sympathetic.. but he handles the thing so badly it sucks. He just tells april to ease off, with no reason given, then fires her when she SHOCKINGLY dosen’t give up taking the guy whose refusing to take her hard work seriously or actually solve the crime wave problem to task for his shitty behavior as ANY person facing a shitty, corrput cop would. She just wants to hold him acountable and get him to actually do something. He clearly knows her on a personal level too as he talks about his issues with his son freely with her, something you don’t do with an employee unless their also a friend on some level.

He could have TOLD april what was going on. She’d be furious at Stern’s naked corrpution and prioritizing shutting her up over actually solving crimes.. and thus put at least some of that energy into shutting him down or finding a way around it, going to the papers or something like that. Even in 1990 pre-internet, there were ways to get around Sterns blackmail and expose him so someone who’d actually do the job could get the job. Instead he just comes off as a selfish coward who rather than try and fight the guy blatantly abusing his power and using Charles own son as barganing chip, goes along with it because it’s the easier option to simply bow to him instead of TRY and stop this. And it’s not like he’s even going after a beloved public figure or someone who could hide behind his rep: Sterns was blatantly failing a crime wave, April had called him out on his failrues and coverups multiple times. The public was against sterns.. finding out he tried to blackmail the media into shutting up about him would PROBABLY end him... I only say probably not because the public wouldn’t skewer him, but because police tend to escape consequences for blatantly murdering someone on a daily basis and Andrew Cumo is STILl mayor over in new york, the same city this movie takes place, 31 years later, depsite EVERYONE asking him to resign over a long history of sexual harassment and a more recent but still horrible history of hiding death numbers. I don’t doubt people being stupid enough to ignore this or the bilaws with cops being stacked enough for him to get away with it, but just because someone gets away with a crime dosen’t mean you shoudln’t try and go after them in the first place. Fuck. Charles. Pennington.

Danny on the other hand is FAR more interesting and I think gets way too much flack when it comes to this subplot. Unlike his dad, whose dead weight, Danny is intresting: He provides a POV character for the foot’s MO in the film of taking in wayward teens, and his character arc is pretty engaging, slowly realizing the foot dosen’t care and that hte turtles are the good guys. HIs actor does a great job and while not the biggest presence, he’s not a bad addition to clan hamaoto and I wish other adaptations would find a way to use him. The pull between doing the right thing and his found family is a good struggle. My only real issue with his plot is the moviies flawed aseop about family. It tries to contrast shredder and his using the kids blatnatly with Splinter and Charles really loving their sons. And it works with Splinter and the kids because despite being a tad strict, Splinter clearly loves his sons and works with them to help them. The problem is ENTIRELY with Charles and Danny. As I said Charles love comes off as transasctional: He either thinks he can buy it or just expects it because he shot a bunch of goop into Danny’s mom after two minutes of disapointment. It dosen’t work with them because neither option is good for Danny. His father is neglectful, chooses throwing his jounralistic integrity out the window over talking to his son or his best friend about another way, and abrasive. Danny is no saint, he does do crimes, but it’s clearly a result of a shitty upbringing and the shredder and co actually offeirng him the love he desperatly craves. Danny goes to the foot because his dad is bad at his job but the film never adresses that and just expects Danny to go back to his dad because the plot says so. Danny would HONESTLY be better off with Splinter. No really. Sure he’d have to live in the sewers.. but he did so for a few weeks in the course of the movie. He’s fine down there. Splitner actually cares about him and took an intrest to him and knows how to raise a child. Let him become the fifth turtle. An aseop about family is not a bad thing: Loaded subject that it can be given how many outright abusive families exist, i’m one of the lucky ones who dosen’t have that issue, family is an important thing and can be a source of comfort and support. But this film tells you you should love and respect someone who does not love, respect or value you because he spent a minute in your mom’s vagina and that’s not how family should work and is outright dangerous to kids in an abusive situation. Love the film otherwise but fuck this aseop skyhigh.

Final thoughts:

Overall though.. the film is bodacious. It’s funny, well paced, has an awesome cast, and outside of a certain bald asswipe... it’s a really good superhero film. Is it the best i’ve seen? Nope. Not even close and character wise most of them are as thin as a wet paper bag covered in ranch dressing. But it’s still a fun as hell with awesome corepgraphy, a killer soundtrack, seriously the soundtrack is damn excellent and only didn’t get it’s own section because I didn’t have enough to say and some of the best effects work i’ve seen in a film in the turtle suits. If you haven’t seen it I urge you to check it out: it’s a breezy 90 minutes, it’s on hbo max and it’s a shell of a time. Will I do the next film?

We’ll see how this one does like wise and such, but I will be doing the rise film whenever it comes out this year. So look for that and keep possesing turtle power my dudes. If you liked this review subscirbe for more, join my patreon to keep this blog a chugging, comission a review if you have more turtle stuff you want me to cover, and comment on this. What do you think of the movie, what are your thoughts on the review, what can I do better, what other turtle stuff would you like me to cover/ Let me know and i’ll see you at hte next rainbow.

#teenage mutant ninja turtles #teenage mutant ninja turtles 1990 #leonardo #raphael #donetello #michealangelo #casey jones #april o'neil #the shredder #oroku saki #new line cinema #golden harvest #film #90's movies #the 90's #partners in cryme #judith hoag

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aspiecrow · 5 years ago

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@heartsyhawk tagged me to give me top 10 favourite movies. Luckily, I already compiled a list of them a while back, so getting them wasn’t so hard. Writing about why they’re my favourites, on the other hand, was a bit harder, so forgive me if I only give brief thoughts on any.

With the exception of the #1 pick, may change somewhat from time to time.

Let the Right One In (2008): I remember first seeing the DVD for Let the Right One In at a local HMV (which has now shut down), and the review quote on it compared it to Twilight. Being in the middle of my “Twilight sucks and I hate everything about it” phase, I’m legitimately surprised I picked it up, but damn am I glad I did, because I love this movie! It’s gorgeous, its story is great, and I make sure to watch it at least once a year! I read the book very shortly afterwards, and loved it just as much! Wish I could say the same for the American remake, but unfortunately, it’s nowhere near as good (mostly because it completely misses the point of the story)

Halloween (1978)/Jaws (1975): I can’t pick between these two, so they both get the #2 spot! I’ve been lucky enough to see both of these movies in the cinema in special events, and it was well worth it!

Aliens (1986): Honestly, this is where the Aliens franchise ends for me. It’s a fine ending to the story, and I do love me a good genre shift. ALso, Newt is one of the first characters I ever felt protective of, which has since blossomed into full-on paternal “Protect All The Babies!” feelings.

The Empire Strikes Back (1980): Always loved Star Wars, and Empire is my favourite of them. Interestingly enough, the first time I ever saw Star Wars was when I was round at a friend’s house and watched the first five minutes of Return of the Jedi towards the end of the visit. I then saw Phantom Menace in the cinema, loved it (before later deciding I hated it for years, and have recently come back around to liking it), and consumed everything Star Wars I could. Star Wars was my first fandom, I think, and will always have a special place in my life.

Jurassic Park (1993): When I was five or six, my dad had rented Jurassic Park while I was home sick. I was so tired that I actually fell asleep during the opening scene. Once I got to see the movie in full, though, I really fell in love with it, and that’s what began my love of dinosaurs, and I’m even one of the few people who like both Lost World and JP3. World I’m a bit more lukewarm about, and I’m not a fan of Fallen Kingdom, but even then, I’ve not been able to outright hate a Jurassic Park movie thus far.

Terminator II: Judgment Day (1991): I actually saw this one before I saw the first, and yeah, it’s still a movie I revisit when I can. Like with Aliens, I also see it as the end of the Terminator franchise, as the only thing I’ve liked from the franchise since then has been Sarah Connor Chronicles, and I just treat that as a fun “What if?” story.

The Breakfast Club (1985): Hoo boy, this movie. I understand that there’s some problems in it (Bender’s treatment of Claire and the casual homophobia are the biggest), but dammit, everything else in it I love. I saw this at exactly the right time in my life, when I was still in high school and being horrifically bullied, so it was a nice little “it’s cool that you’re different” takeaway that didn’t come across as corny. Also, the soundtrack is an absolute banger. Of course, the whole “Allison changes for Andrew” thing at the end rubbed me the wrong way, but I try to kind of ignore that :P

The Incredibles (2004): One of the best superhero movies out there. Violet and Edna remain my favourites, and it’s one of those movies that I spot more stuff about each time I watch it!

Casper (1995): Aah yes, Casper. I was obsessed with this movie when I was a kid, and it still remains a favourite. Also, I will defend the “Can I keep you?” line to the death (it’s not creepy in context).

The Secret Garden (1993): I think this was one of, if not the first movie that I remember thinking was beautiful, and that holds up. It’s also a movie that never fails to make me tear up. Plus, Mary/Dickon was an OTP before I knew about shipping.

Some runners up:

Batman: The Mask of the Phantasm (1993): This is the best Batman movie and I will fight anyone on that.

The Final Girls (2015): Another movie that makes me cry when I watch it. This could have so easily been just a typical by-the-numbers horror parody, but they made it so much more than that and I love it for that.

Bridge to Terabithia (2007): I remember being in a massive state of denial about the last third of this movie for such a long time (and I’ll not lie, I still sometimes go into that place). I also ran a forum RP of it that was essentially an interactive LDD fic. Still pretty proud of it, if I’m honest.

Muppet Treasure Island (1996): Aaah, the movie that kickstarted my love of pirates and Tim Curry. It’s also got a kickass soundtrack and is just one of the better adaptations of the story (same with Muppet Christmas Carol, actually).

Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain (1995): My friends had The Goonies. I had this. I recently rewatched it and remembered how much I loved it. I remember going through a phase where I had quite the crush on Christina Ricci, and this movie was one that I watched because of that, and I’m glad I did. Also kind of ironic, given that Jody and Beth are very clearly baby gays.

So, time to tag some people!

@dalekofchaos, @zexththelordoftime, @haltraveler, @whencartoonsruletheworld

No obligation to do this, of course, but if you do, please tag me, ‘cause I’d love to see your picks!

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imagitory · 5 years ago

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D-Views: Muppet Treasure Island

Hi, everyone! Welcome to another installment of D-Views, my on-going written review series for films that fall under the Disney umbrella, as well as those that were influenced by those films! For more reviews for movies like Mary Poppins, Treasure Planet, and The Prince of Egypt, please consult my “Disney Reviews” tag and, of course, if you enjoy this review or any of the others, please consider liking and reblogging!

Today’s film is one of my childhood favorites, starring a cast of some of my favorite people, as well as frogs, pigs, and even whatevers. This is Muppet Treasure Island! (Thank you for your votes, @the-alexandrian-alchemist, @silvvergears, @extremelybears, @livinlifelikeishould and @karalora!)

Ever since 1976, the characters of the Muppet Show have been American pop culture icons. The show itself won a total of 21 Emmy nominations and four television awards over its long run, and by 1990 its cast had also starred in several critically acclaimed films (The Muppet Movie, The Great Muppet Caper, and The Muppets Take Manhattan) and the very popular animated TV show Muppet Babies. And all of that wouldn’t have been possible without the Muppets’ creator, Jim Henson.

Like at the Walt Disney Company, the loss of their leader in 1990 hit Jim Henson Productions very hard. One silver lining, however, is that just like with Walt Disney, Jim Henson was memorialized not just by the characters he created, but by his many achievements and the many friendships he’d made in life. He received a Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame alongside Kermit the Frog; was inducted into the Television Hall of Fame; earned a memorial in his hometown Hyattsville, Maryland; was posthumously named a Disney Legend; was the focus of the heartfelt TV special The Muppets Celebrate Jim Henson; and was laid to rest with two formal funeral services complete with performances of some of his favorite songs. And just like the Walt Disney Company, even after the death of someone who meant so much to them, Jim Henson Productions got back up and promised to do more in the memory of their lost leader. Jim’s son Brian Henson took the reins and directed the Disney-co-produced Christmas movie The Muppet Christmas Carol in 1992, before he moved on to their next project and today’s subject, Muppet Treasure Island.

So, here’s the thing -- I have a LOT of nostalgia for this movie. I will be upfront about that. But even with that acknowledged, I was sort of stunned when I found out how lukewarm the reaction to this movie was, when it was released in theaters. Sure, I knew it hadn’t broken the bank, but even if it earned about $34 million worldwide, it received no honors or awards, only hit third at the box office opening weekend behind the movies Broken Arrow and Happy Gilmore, and even now only boasts an average 73% rating at Rotten Tomatoes. Critics at the time criticized how it was more “Treasure Island” than “Muppet”, with Roger Ebert calling it “less cleverly written” and Gene Siskel even more coldly deeming it “boring.” Although I’ll readily acknowledge that reading those reactions makes me want to run outside and scream “FUCK YOU, GENE SISKEL” at the top of my lungs, I promise to give a more rational review of this movie instead, one hopefully that acknowledges any possible shortcomings, but also will celebrate this film and how completely NOT boring it is.

One of the best things about this movie hits us in the face right off the bat -- the music, written by scoring giant Hans Zimmer and Nick Glennie-Smith. As much as I enjoy a lot of Muppet musicals, I attest that Muppet Treasure Island has the most cohesive score overall of any Muppet production. The Muppets were always creatures of the short, sweet vignette -- of the variety show -- of many disparate pieces sewn loosely together into a whole like a patchwork quilt. Even though The Muppet Christmas Carol’s soundtrack comes very close in its cohesion and I would say The Muppets (2011) -- my personal favorite Muppet movie -- is truer to the spirit of the Muppet Show in its music while also paying tribute to old-fashioned movie musicals, Muppet Treasure Island just paints a full-bodied picture from the off-set, building on refrains that return and morph over the course of the picture. From the very beginning, we get that this venture is NOT a standard Muppet movie. Like The Muppet Christmas Carol, the Muppets’ humor will only be part of the story told -- in TMCC, it takes a backseat to sincere emotions like love and redemption, while here in MTI, it takes a backseat to adventure and swashbuckling action.

The score also seamlessly flows into our first song, “Shiver My Timbers,” which just screams “pirate!” I’ve loved pirates ever since I was a little kid, and Muppet Treasure Island was one of the main reasons why. I was okay with Peter Pan, but Muppet Treasure Island was what really got me excited about pirates. They were rough, ruthless, and dangerous, but it was exciting to face off against them in an epic musical adventure, even if your only weapons were a couple of artfully thrown starfish. In the 90′s, pirate films weren’t really “in” -- it wouldn’t be until 2003 with the release of Pirates of the Caribbean that they became popular again -- but I think Muppet Treasure Island, through its music, really embraces the fun, action-packed thrills that Disney would later capitalize on in the Pirates films.

After our prologue, we meet Billy Bones (played by the perfectly cast Billy Connolly) and, of course, our hero, Jim Hawkins, played by newcomer Kevin Bishop. Kevin was the very first of a hundred kids who showed up for the audition to meet the casting agents, and he was selected for the part then and there. Sadly post-Muppets he moved on to stage and television, but for what it’s worth, I quite like Kevin in the role of Jim. He’s distinctly depicted as a boy, complete with a pre-puberty “boy soprano” singing voice (which I acknowledge is an acquired taste, but I personally enjoy), but that characterization only serves to accent how large of an arc he goes through over the course of the film. He starts off as smart, sincere, honest, and dreamy, but also very innocent and trusting, and over the course of the story, he learns to ground himself in who he is and what he believes in, to the point where he has to sever ties with someone he once considered a friend and mentor. Accompanying Jim in his journey are Gonzo and Rizzo, who largely serve as comic relief but do still serve as good friends and companions to Jim, as evident by the three characters’ “I Want” song, “Something Better.” Yes, Gonzo and Rizzo are sidekicks, but they’re still distinct personalities that bounce well off each other and “straight-man” Jim. Originally the filmmakers had considered simply having Gonzo and Rizzo being two characters called “Jim” and “Hawkins” respectively (splitting the part in two, not unlike what they did with Statler and Waldorf in The Muppet Christmas Carol), but due to concerns that the choice would result in a lack of heart in the finished product, that idea was scrapped. I think it ultimately was the better decision to leave the drama to the humans -- it’s not that the Muppets can’t conjure sincere emotion (just look at “Pictures in my Head” or “Man or Muppet”), but I still think having any of the existing Muppets fulfill the “coming of age” narrative the original Jim Hawkins goes through would’ve been a bit of a stretch. Even in The Muppet Christmas Carol or non-Muppet-show Jim Henson production Labyrinth, the main characters with a story arc are played by human actors who are able to ground the picture despite the cast of colorful, irreverent characters.

One of the main criticisms that critics of the time lobbed at this movie is that it feels more “Treasure Island” than “Muppet”, and in a way it’s a decent point, if not phrased very badly. Unlike in other Muppet projects, the humor plays second fiddle to the plot and the characters are not the characters we know from the Muppet Show with their Muppet Show backstories and consciousness. In The Muppet Christmas Carol, the film could very easily be seen as a “production” being put on by the Muppets, even if it’s never overtly stated as such, thanks to Gonzo (as Charles Dickens) constantly breaking the fourth wall. In Muppet Treasure Island, however, Gonzo and Rizzo have their own non-Muppet-show history as friends of Jim Hawkins way before ever meeting the other Muppets like Kermit and Sam the Eagle, and Kermit and Miss Piggy have a whole soap-opera romance that involves a wedding and getting marooned by pirates (we’ll get to that later). So yes, this is more “Treasure Island,” but it’s not less “Muppet” -- it’s less “Muppet Show.” These Muppets have different histories, but they’re the same characters despite this. Gonzo is an eccentric thrill-seeker -- Rizzo is a cowardly cynic -- Kermit is a soft-spoken pacifist -- Fozzie is a lovable dimwit -- Piggy is a self-centered diva. Think of Muppet Treasure Island as a Muppet AU fanfiction -- these may not be exactly the characters you know, and yet...they are! They’re the exact same big personalities with the same quirks, strengths, and weaknesses, just in an alternate universe. And honestly, I think it’s really cool, to see these sorts of characters so exclusively used for comedy in a world that’s not flat-out comedic -- one that’s kind of dirty and rough around the edges, with swashbuckling action and real danger around every corner.

The nice thing is that although yes, the comedy isn’t the central focus anymore, there is still really good humor in this film, a lot of it thanks to the shift in tone. There’s just something so very, very funny to me about Billy Bones’s death scene being followed up by Rizzo, Gonzo, and Jim just flat-out freaking out and dashing out of the room screaming like stupid kids, or the tense action scene where the pirates storm into the inn being punctuated by Rizzo trying to help Gonzo load the gun, only to spill the bag of bullets, or the epic entrance of the illustrious Captain Smollett’s carriage ending with the tall, solemn coachman stepping aside to reveal the Captain himself, played by Kermit the Frog. I think it plays into the ideas of subverting expectations and building up a punchline properly before delivering the joke -- as each scene is built up, we’re left constantly unsure if the film’s going to play things straight or just be completely irreverent, and the contrast is what can make a joke much funnier than in a purely, solely humorous scenario. There are a few points where the contrast can become a bit labored, but I laugh so much more during this movie that I ever have watching my favorite reruns of the Muppet Show, no matter how much I enjoy them. It’s something that, again, the Pirates of the Caribbean films would capitalize on much later. (Too bad they couldn’t incorporate that humor into any catchy musical numbers! Disney, where’s my Pirates of the Caribbean musical?)

Aha, and now we come to the brightest of the shining stars in this film -- our villain, Long John Silver, played by the amazing Tim Curry. I’m sorry, it’s an incontrovertible truth that Curry is a unique, magical ingredient that, when added to any movie, just elevates the cinematic dish to a whole new level and leaves you drooling for one more scene with him. I remember someone once saying that Curry is sort of like a Muppet in human skin thanks to his outrageous, yet likable acting, and...yeah, it makes it so that he fits perfectly in this movie, where he has to interact so closely with the Muppets. The nice thing is, though, that he also has a lot of chemistry with his human co-star Kevin Bishop, to the extent that you sincerely feel for the relationship that forms between Jim and Silver even if you know Silver’s intentions from the start. I particularly like their exchange in the ridiculously catchy “Sailing for Adventure,” as well as their scene at the front of the ship where they discuss their fathers and the stars.

Just as the adventure is getting going, however, it stops dead with the wind’s abandonment of the Hispaniola. Out of nowhere, the ship breaks out into the most ridiculous, most “Muppet” of all of the musical numbers, “Cabin Fever.” The song was one of my favorite parts when I was little and it’s always made me laugh, but it’s definitely the biggest detour of the movie that up until that point lived in its own pirate-centric world. It’s a very short-lived detour and as I said, it’s ridiculously funny, but it doesn’t have any bearing on the plot and I could see how people might find it kind of pointless, particularly since it doesn’t even feature three of our main characters, Jim, Silver, or Smollett. One other critique I will give the film is that some of the effects nowadays don’t look very real, like the Hispaniola being composited over still matte paintings -- there are points where the production values remind me a bit of the old Wishbone TV series, where they have to angle the shot just so or get creative just to try to make the ship look as big as it should be. But honestly, there were points where Wishbone impressed me with those same sorts of layering and green-screen effects despite its limited budget, and those cheaper effects don’t look tacky or out-of-place, so I personally don’t mind them that much.

Because this is a Muppet movie, it’s unsurprising that our Mr. Arrow (played by Sam the Eagle) isn’t really killed, instead just being tricked off of the ship by a manipulative Silver, but it says something that, even with that softened plot turn, the stakes are not completely dismantled. We still see the pirates as a legitimate threat when they kidnap Jim and take over the Hispaniola, even when they burst into song. Tim Curry’s “only number,” “A Professional Pirate,” is a perfect expression of his expert, charming showmanship, which in my mind truly can’t be matched by any other performer in Hollywood, past or present. No one gives a performance like Tim Curry. It makes it so that even when I was a bratty kid getting irritated about Silver calling privateer Sir Francis Drake a pirate and using “buccaneer” as a synonym for “pirate,” I would sing this song at the top of my lungs, trying to even reach 75% of the energy Curry put into his vocals.

At long last, Miss Piggy makes her grand debut as “Queen Boom Sha-Kal-a-Kal,” a.k.a. Benjamina Gunn. Although the diva doesn’t end up getting much screentime, she certainly gets a grand entrance, complete with an elephant steed decorated with flowers and a full musical number complete with a tribal chant and ethereal vocalizing. And true to form, when she lays eyes on her one true love, Kermit...she smacks him so hard that he’s thrown backwards off his feet and into a gong. What’s particularly interesting about Piggy in this movie is that although she and Fozzie are voiced by Frank Oz as always, both she and Fozzie were actually puppeted by Kevin Clash, as Oz was unavailable during this film’s production, and Oz’s vocals for both characters were added in post-production. Despite the difference in puppeteer, however, both characters are just as likable as ever -- I’d honestly had no clue that they weren’t performed by the same person! The film even got to use the full-bodied remote-controlled puppets for Kermit and Piggy for the love duet “Love Led Us Here,” which is kicked off by an Evita joke I never got as a kid but as an adult makes me grin like a friggin’ idiot. Fortunately the duet is inter-cut with Silver and the pirates finding the treasure, rather than it being chock-full of romantic flashbacks or prolonged looks between the two lovebirds, giving it a lighter tone than it would’ve had otherwise.

With a much reduced crew comprised only of Rizzo, Gonzo, Squire Trelawney, Dr. Honeydew, Beaker, and the newly returned Mr. Arrow, Jim comes to Benjamina and Smollett’s rescue and returns to Treasure Island to face Silver and the pirates. The action scene is full of humor, but because of the world established in the rest of the film, I would argue it still has stakes. The blows still hurt and there’s still a threat of defeat and danger, most notably when Long John Silver prepares to fight. Even if you don’t think the Muppets are going to die persay, you still feel the suspense in wanting to see what’s going to happen next. And when Silver surrenders, he himself can see the real treasure Jim found on his adventure -- a family...a group of people Muppets who will support him and encourage the very best in him.

Silver’s escape scene is a beautifully heart-wrenching scene -- one that could only have been earned by two excellent performances over the course of the film by Kevin Bishop and Tim Curry. Even though both Silver and Jim know that they’re different people and they could never walk the same path, it doesn’t mean that they don’t still greatly esteem and care about each other. In Jim’s case, it’s especially difficult, given that in parting ways with Silver, he has to cut loose of a very poor potential father figure who would’ve only dragged him down in the long run, but who was so likable in his own damaged way. It proves to be a very bittersweet scene sprinkled into a very happy, cheerful ending, complete with the chipper island-inspired end credits bop “Love Power.”

Muppet Treasure Island is -- in my opinion, at least -- one of the best Muppet movies ever made. It broke away from quite a few Muppet conventions, like the characters breaking the fourth wall and being aware of themselves being in a movie or TV show, and embraced a much less humorous tone in both its writing and cinematography. Yes, it reimagined a classic book like The Muppet Christmas Carol did, but this movie took the next step, embracing the world of the original novel as well as the set-up and immersing the Muppets’ cast of characters in it. Although I can see why some people would be more partial to the original Muppet movie formula and love it a lot myself, I really, really respect Brian Henson and the rest of this film’s crew for taking the Muppets in such a different direction. It was an entertaining, action-packed, funny pirate movie before those sorts of movies became popular again, and it remains my favorite “pirate” movie of all time, as well as my personal favorite incarnation of the Treasure Island story (barely beating out Treasure Planet). I know childhood nostalgia can play a role in what media can give you joy as an adult, but I truly don’t think it’s the only factor here -- it’s also just a really good movie, and I can only hope that more people will consider giving it a chance and have just as much fun Sailing for Adventure as I did!

#d-views #disney reviews #muppet treasure island #the muppets #reviews #opinion #analysis #oh boy here i go #brian henson #tim curry #kevin bishop #billy connolly

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chaossmagic · 5 years ago

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fic: love hard, love fierce

With the comforting presence of his husband and son at his side, Aaron finally reads the letter that Lisa left for him.

TW discussions of death, grief.

read on AO3

Seb spotted Aaron before Robert did; his little face breaking into an animated smile over the top of the bench where he stood, bouncing with his arms outstretched, and let out a joyful squeal that carried on the slight breeze as Aaron approached them. The sight of his gorgeous stepson, the bright head of hair and dimpled cheeks, was a warming tonic to the stone that felt like it had settled in his chest since the funeral that morning. Turning round to see what Seb was so excited by, Robert broke into a matching smile of his own when he saw Aaron coming, one hand steadying the little boy while he reached over the back of the bench to take Aaron’s hand wordlessly in the other, rubbing his thumb over his knuckles in a gentle, soothing touch.

Aaron let out a deep breath he wasn’t even conscious he was holding inside him, feeling the line of his shoulders drop and relax as soon as he had Robert’s palm, warm and soft, in his own. The park was empty save for a few seagulls pecking at the grass and ducks floating on the water of the small pond, and Aaron bent to press a kiss first to the top of Robert’s head, then Seb’s, who gurgled a little giggle at the feeling of his dad’s rough stubble against the tender skin of his forehead.

“Hey,” Robert said softly. “If i’’m honest, I didn’t think I’d see you till later.”

“Neither did I,” Aaron admitted, coming to sit next to him on the bench and scooping up Seb into his lap, who immediately buried himself in Aaron’s jumper, little fingers gripping the lapels of his jacket. He scooted closer, needing to physically feel Robert close to him, to inhale his scent and allow it to alleviate the heaviness he felt in his stomach and chest, the grief curling up in his throat. He stroked the soft hair over Seb’s forehead gently, rocking him as he added, “It got a bit much. The wake, I mean. Just needed to see ya. And this little guy,” he blew a wet raspberry on Seb’s cheek, making him laugh again. The sound was like bells, sweet and infectious.

Robert made a sympathetic noise, wrapping his arm around Aaron and pulling him in closer, resting his cheek against his husband’s temple and gently rubbing soothing circles into the top of his arm. “I wish I could’ve been there for ya today,” he said. “It’s just, well, funerals and fussy babies don’t really mix, especially since Bex reckons Seb’s started teething, so I didn’t want to spoil it by being the bloke with the screaming infant ruining the eulogy.”

“It was a nice ceremony,” Aaron said. “Charity shared some old stories about Lisa, and Belle read a out poem she wrote, bless ‘er. It must have been so hard for her to do that in front of everyone. They even brought her into the church in the old Dingle van, if ya can believe that.”

“What, that decrepit old thing you showed me ages ago?” Robert asked disbelievingly, eyebrows shooting up into his hairline. “The one that’s got about an inch of dust on it and covered in scratches?”

“Yep,” Aaron replied. “The very same. It seemed to fit, Lisa being who she was an’ all that. You better not put me in it, though, when my time comes, or I might just come back to life and kill ya.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it,” Robert laughed a little, scraping his nails through the soft hair at the back of Aaron’s neck, making him wriggle and stretch contentedly with a sigh, adjusting Seb a bit so that he was tucked into the crook of his shoulder. “Only the best for my beautiful husband, who’ll get the best send-off the village has ever seen, you mark my words.”

“There better be a pig race, though,” Aaron said nonchalantly.

“Okay, now I can’t tell whether you’re windin’ me up or not,” Robert scoffed. He tickled Seb under the chin, making him twist and try to squirm away, and lowered his voice conspiratorially. “What do you say, little man? Is your daddy Aaron havin’ me on?”

“I am not!” Aaron protested. “There were three of ‘em, and our Spamela won, didn’t she? Won by miles. And you wanted to make her into a bacon sandwich,” he tutted, reminding him of the time when Belle’s sow had crashed at their home for the night, then gone walkabout in the village making them both fear Belle’s wrath. He looked down at the little boy. “That’s not very nice of daddy Robert, is it Seb, hmm?”

“Da!” Seb squealed, which quite frankly could have meant anything as he’d only barely begun babbling yet, but Aaron took it as an agreement and smirked at Robert triumphantly.

“Sounds like a great way to celebrate her life,” Robert said sincerely. “I think I like that idea. Focusing on the fun, good things rather than her loss, even though you’re all going to really miss her.”

“Lydia gave me this,” Aaron said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out an envelope bordered with green and purple flowers, Aaron written on the front in Lisa’s neat writing. “Lisa left one for each of us, my mum, Debbie, Cain, Sam, Charity....but I just couldn’t face readin’ mine without ya.”

“Can I?” Robert asked, reaching for it, and Aaron handed it over without hesitation. With a nod from Aaron, he opened it, taking out the sheets of paper that were carefully folded inside. “Do you want me to - shall I read it out to you?”

A hard lump in his throat, his palms tingling, Aaron nodded. “Please.” He held Seb a little closer, feeling his soft baby breath on his neck, as Robert unfolded the first page and started to read.

Dear Aaron,

My love, there’s no-one who epitomises what it means to be a Dingle more than you. You’ve endured so much, and had so much heartache in such a young life, that to see you come out of it fighting and ready for anything makes me so, so proud. My only regret is that I won’t get to see you enjoy this next chapter with your wonderful husband, gorgeous little Sebastian, and the children Chas tells me you two are hoping to have sometime in the near future.

To have suffered the way that you have, is more than anyone could possibly bear in their lifetime. But you’ve put us all to shame with the way you’ve handled some of the worst experiences imaginable, and still be such a kind, gentle, loving young man who would do anything for his family and who is capable of so much love. Whatever happened to that little scrap of a lad always getting into trouble, eh? I’ll tell you what happened. He grew up into an amazing man who found his place in the world, and went after what he wanted most without fear or shame.

I was never able to make it to your wedding, but your mum sent me some photos in the post afterwards, and the happiness radiating out from you with your Robert at your side took my breath away. What a lovely couple you two really are, so happy and content with each other, so at peace now that you’ve found each other. In a way, you reminded me of how I and your Uncle Zak have felt all these years, despite and including the time we spent apart. I know you haven’t had the most conventional or easy relationship, but true love always finds its way, and the two of you have something so few of us get to experience - a soulmate.

So cherish him, Aaron. Cherish each other. Love your son and all your children to come. Remind him every day just what he means to you, and hope and trust that he will do the same when it matters most. Love hard and love fierce like I know you can, like the Dingle I know you are.

All my love,

Lisa

By the time Robert reached the end of the letter, Aaron was gripping his hand so tightly his wedding ring was in danger of creating a permanent welt in Robert’s palm; tears splashed down his face as he squeezed Seb to his chest, inhaling his warm baby smell as he fought to control the aching sobs trying to push their way out of him. He hadn’t cried at the funeral, not even really when he’d been told Lisa had died, but hearing her words now, the words she’d written just for him, had brought it all spilling forward in an avalanche he didn’t know how to stop.

But Robert was there, solid and unyielding, and that made everything just that little bit more bearable, hugging Aaron close and blinking through his own tears as he murmured in his ear, “Aaron, Aaron, I love you so much. It’s okay. I love you.”

What would he ever do without this man?

“I love ya, too,” Aaron said hoarsely. “And I mean, Lisa said it all for me in that letter, it’s scary how much she knows, but - you’re it for me, ya know?”

“I know,” Robert affirmed, nodding slowly and pressing a firm kiss to Aaron’s temple. One hand came up to stroke through Seb’s hair again, the little boy snuggling further into Aaron, rubbing his cheek against the fabric of his jumper. “I know, Aaron. I always know. And I’m sorry I haven’t made it as clear as I should have, these last few weeks. All this Vic stuff, it’s messed with my head...I took you for granted. That wasn’t right. I love ya too much.”

“Not as much as I love you,” Aaron murmured quietly. “Soft idiot.”

“Sentimental muppet,” Robert quipped back. Carefully, he folded Lisa’s letter back into its envelope, and tucked it into the pocket of his coat for safekeeping. He reached behind himself, pulling out a small bag of what looked like bird seed. “Want to help me and Seb finish feeding the ducks before it’s time for me to take him back?”

“Absolutely,” Aaron agreed. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world, would I?”

Robert stood, holding out his hand for Aaron’to take; he did so, holding on tight, Seb perched on one hip with his arms round Aaron’s neck. He walked them down to the edge of the pond, the three of them in unison; they made quite the little family unit, Robert and Aaron holding hands, Aaron with his arm securely round Seb, who was giggling and shrieking “Uck! Uck!” as they took turns to throw handfuls of seed into the water. Watching with delight as the ducks rushed towards the food and tackled each other, each wanting the biggest share for themselves.

#personal #anyway this was so sad to write i want to bury myself in dirt now thanks x #lorna's writing #robron #robron fic #robert x aaron #emmerdale #emmerdale fic

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skunky2 · 5 years ago

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Top 11 Worst Cartoons of the 2010′s!!

We had so many great cartoons introduced in this decade and while I haven't seen every last one I can say this decade was one of the best for animation in general! Sadly for every good animated show produced in this era there are also some bad apples in the bunch the following cartoons are some of the worst I have seen but please remember this is only my opinion if you like any of these shows then that's great continue to enjoy them don't let me stop you!!!

Now let's get this list started!!!

11. Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs the series (2017-2018)

Ok before we talk about the show I want to make one thing clear I don't hate the films in fact I actually find them enjoyable even going as far as calling them guilty pleasures the show on the other hand is a huge flop compared to the movies were the films had creativity and fun humor the show lacks that in fact this is by far the most boring show to be based on a freaking film about an invention that makes it rain food!! The other problem I have with this show is it's set before the events of the films so Flint hasn't even become an inventor yet but instead it's about him in high school and apparently him and Sam knew each other already did they even watch their first film!? Also the mayor is the principle because why not seriously this has got to be the worst show based on a hit animated film it's so painfully unfunny that I question how kids found it entertaining to begin with!!!! Not every movie needs a tv series and this one proves it!

10. Total Dramarama (2018-ongoing)

Oh the pain to see the Total Drama series downgraded to this especially since the original Total Drama Island took a ton of risk for a show aimed at kids also how did we go from a series that spoofed reality shows to a bad Muppet Babies rip-off!! What's really sad is that creators have no desire to produce a new Total Drama series they just want to work on this. On the plus side it's still not as bad as other shows your going to see later on the list.

9. Super Noobs (2015-ongoing)

Other then the "how do you do fellow kids" title I wasn't expecting this show to wow me considering it was brought to you by the same dude that brought us Johnny Test aka the original most hated cartoon of all time I got the DA pics to back me up! The worst part is this show has a very interesting concept but it's ruined due to the bad humor and characters. The show is about a group of outcast middle schoolers who receive super powers in the form of power balls from aliens who then become their mentors and how they must save the world from an evil virus that threatens the world sounds like an awesome plot too bad it's not pushed further.

8. Almost Naked Animals (2011-2013)

Yes this is a children's cartoon not a title for an X rated film. All I can say about this show is why? Why would anyone greenlight a show about an animal nudist hotel not only is it disgusting but those character designs yikes!!!! They look so ugly looking no one wants to see something that looks this hideous!! Not to mention the humor is just as terrible as the art design.

7. Breadwinners (2014-2016)

You know when you feature twerking in your show you automatically fail. The best way I can describe this cartoon is it's just awful first off the two idiot main characters who I'm not going to refer by name since they are some of the most stupidest names for characters seriously SwaySway and Buhdeuce!? Anyway the show is about these two "ducks" I say ducks like that since they look nothing like ducks they look like frogs or aliens or something. Try to make your character if they are an animal try to look as close as possible as the species they're supposed to be so it will make it easier for you audience to identify them. Well they fly around in a rocket car or something I really don't care and deliver bread to stock-image ducks which brings me to another problem they can't even draw background characters they just go on Google find a duck photo and photoshop cartoon eyes and whatever on it how lazy a can you be!! Also I found out a long time ago your actually not supposed to give ducks bread yeah it can use malnutrition and illness to them so this cartoon is spreading the wrong message to kids.

6. Brickleberry (2012-2015)

You know why I despise most adult cartoons because most of them are either trying way to hard to be quote on quote "adult" with overuse of swearing, gore, shock humor, and sex jokes and guess what this show is full of this!! Not only is the animation similar to that to Family Guy it's just as disgusting and offensive!!! The show revolves around these park rangers and their everyday lives at their jobs and the characters aren't very good either they are pretty much all assholes, stereotypes of usual characters you see in adult animation, and your typical characters that are just there to offend you! In fact the little bear cub character is pretty much the shows answer to Brain from Family Guy with the personality of Cartman from South Park. Now I haven't seen this show in a long time but I just remember it wasn't a pleasant experience if you want to check it out just be warned it's not for the faint of heart. Also the creators of this show produced another show for Netflix that is just a carbon copy with cops instead of rangers and I though that Seth McFarlane was lazy when it came to plots!! It's called Paradise P.D. btw

5. Teen Titians Go! (2013-Ongoing)

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah you've heard it all before this show is garbage, a disgrace to DC comics, stupid etc. The animation community has tore this show apart so there really isn't much to say that already hasn't been said but I will say this I never intended to hate this show as much as I do in fact I was fine with it when it fist came out I mean the original Teen Titians cartoon from 2003 will always be better then this show in every possible way but I wasn't one of the fans to jump on the hate wagon when this was announced I mean I had nothing wrong with it just focusing on comedy if you remember correctly the original had eps that were just as silly and bizarre. The main reasons why this show is so high up on this list is for the following reasons the first is I've never seen a show like this disrespect a fan base this much it's like the creators have it out for the original fans and they get joy out of mocking them with all these pathetic critic call out eps they do it also shows that they can't take criticism at all!!!! Second is how the creators view their show and animation in general they literally came out in an interview and said the reason why they made the show so stupid is because it's for children you do know kids aren't stupid right guys they deserve shows that don't try to talk down to them!!!! But the main reason for my anger towards this show is how they made an episode awhile were the moral literally was that cartoons are only for kids and told the original fans to grow up!! Mainly the creators themselves have this warped mindset that I honestly wish would just die out that only children should be allowed to watch cartoons and that their show should be immune to all the hate since it's for kids so they use the "just for kids" excuse for their show being like it is. It's hard to believe they would even have a mindset like that when they are adults themselves making an animated cartoon show. I didn't mean to rant this long but I mainly hate everything this show stands for and sadly it's going onto to get 300+ eps. Personality I really think it's time for this show to officially Go not because I don't like it's mainly because it's showing signs it's on it's last legs and with that Sixth Titian thing they pulled this summer and repeating episode plots is starting to show that the writers are becoming burned out this show was never good but I think it's time it ended. There are tons of other reasons this show is bad but I rather not go into them this has gone on long enough already.

4. PPG 2016 (2016-Ongoing)

Well TTG isn't the worst reboot/spinoff Cartoon Network produced in this decade the honor has to go to this piece of trash Powerpuff Girls 2016!! Why was this made simple CN wanted more money so they made this show to sell toys yes that was the only purpose of this reboot to sell merchandise too bad the show sucked so hard that the target demo along with the fans of the original Powerpuff Girls hated it! There are tons of problems with this reboot that have already been explained such as god awful animation errors, bad writing, and let's not forget the memes those outdated memes. Not to mention they removed the character Ms. Bellum since the creator thought that having a beautiful, warm-hearted, motherly, intelligent and strong-willed woman on the show was offensive to the new generation! Not to mention they got rid of breast but they did allow the girls to twerk tho!!! Yes because having an intelligent good-looking woman with boobs is bad but kindergarteners doing a sexually explicate dance is fine!! Seriously I feel so bad for Craig McCracken it was bad enough he was screwed over by Disney but to have his show turned into this!!

3. The Problem Solverz (2011-2013)

If you want to know my opinion for the worst animated show Cartoon Network has ever made it would be this one! Not only is the show ugly to look at but it uses enough bright colors to make your eyes bleed. The show is about these detectives who solve problems in their home town too bad they cause 90% of the problems they need to solve. These characters are so nasty to look out we got this ugly fish-like man, some robot, and a big nosed hideous lipped Domo wannabe. It was cancelled from tv but ran it's final season on Netflix. I still feel pain for any child that had to sit though this.

2. Pickle and Peanut (2015-2018)

Ugh this show!!!! If you've never seen it you may guess this would be something on Adult Swims line up since they're more known for wired shows like this but no it's not from Adult Swim in fact you'll never believe who made this Disney!!! Yes Disney Television Animation produced this the very same company that bought us shows like Gravity Falls, Phineas and Ferb, Star Vs. and so on made this garbage. There are several problems with this show first off the animation remember when I said that Breadwinners was lazy for using stock-images as background characters well this is the same damn thing but in reverse they couldn't even animate a pickle and a gosh darn peanut this is a peeve I have with most modern cartoons if it's not for a joke then why use stock-images it just makes your show look lazy! Second the humor it sucks it's mainly is "trying" to be Regular Show since both characters are slackers and get into bizarre adventures. Also this show loves to show gross-out shots like the ones in Spongebob for example but unlike Spongebob these are not funny and just plain disgusting like how is this show fun for kids to watch I mean I can understand why kids love cartoons like TTG but I can't see any child liking a show like this!!! Finally we have to talk about the god awful theme song it's not even a theme song but a random robot voice listing off things adults think that children are into so pretty much they're trying way too hard to appeal to kids just like with PPG 2016. There really isn't much more to say about this show it's just awful and it's still hard to believe Disney had a part in making this.

Now it's time for the cartoon from the 2010's that I believe disserves the crown as the worst show from this decade. Out of all the shows I've seen this year none of them of completely disgusted me more then this one it pretty much has everything I despise in modern adult animation it makes Brickleberry look tame in comparison!!! It comes to us from our friends at Adult Swim may I present to you the cartoon that I consider the worst!

1. Mr. Pickles (2013-Ungoing)

I honestly don't know where to start on this one it's just god awful!! First it's got all the things I despise in adult animation shock humor, sex jokes, violence for the sake of it, and ugly character designs!! The show is about a family who owns a dog who is either the devil himself or one of his loyal followers and the dog does extremely messed up things to people stuff I rather not try to remember let's just say this show is MA for reason. If you have a faint heart please stay away from this show at all cost!!!

So there it is my opinions for the worst shows from this decade I hope you all enjoy it since I worked really hard on it.

I didn’t include Big Mouth or Paradise P.D. because I’ve never seen them but yeah I know they’re bad.

#top list #cartoons #my stuff #just my opinion #I'm going to make a best list soon #worst cartoons #ttg #cartoon network #nickolodeon #adult swim

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angrypedestrian · 6 years ago

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THE TIME IDIOTS EPISODE 414 TITLED “Season 1 Happened? Sounds Fake But Okay” MY THOUGHTS:

My boss was being an asshole today so I am grumpy and ready for the Everyone Loves Ray Palmer power hour BRING IT ON

stop calling him Johnny that is for his hot gay lover!!!

fuckin Tabitha is just gonna be the fairy godmother isn’t it?

Don’t call him a muppet John this is how we got into this situation!!!!

Zach vs the legends understanding of government bureaucracy part iub4t89rghaon

they would retake the picture tho for security reasons

BUT zach vs the legends ACTUALLY understanding government bureaucracy

the paperwork is the most realistic thing they’ve ever done

....oh no this gary is hot

normal gary is hot

but, uh, evil gary is doing it for me too just gonna say

listen i’m not proud of it either

HEY NATE HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE RAY

nate: MORE THAN YOU’LL EVER UNDERSTAND MOTHERFUCKER

mona’s idea of what cool is is suspect to begin with

but then again she only reads romance novels so i don’t know what i expected.jpg

Brandon is doing a much better job of being evil this episode

....it....is also hot

goddammit

ASADFSGDHFJKL fuckin playing classical music for the DRAGON

and zari you are spot on he is 1000% a springsteen lover far more so than BILLY JOEL

i rarely completely disregard stuff from canon but nate’s love for billy joel is one of them

i guess zari and nate have a baby now!

zari: ...can this be, like, a game of thrones thing and we use it to destroy stuff?

nate: WE GOTTA SAVE RAY SO HE CAN MEET OUR DRAGON BABY

Gideon is SO thrilled to tell the legends about cannibalism

gideon: humans are so stupid! they’ll just eat each other? wild!

john: i have been waiting to die for 30-75 years, trust me i am good to go

oh the cgi team really had their work cut out for them with that little avalanche sequence didn’t they?

god bless they tried

oh c’mon mick it would take way too long to make you into jerky we don’t have that kind of time!

aw charlie just wants a buddy too

oh my god this is the DEEPEST hellblazer cut

the only story i could not get through from the original run cause it bored the ever loving tears out of me

Oh my god they found the black canary wig balled up behind a gross dumpster and put in on Matt’s head.

That is...hoo boy, not a great look

UH they work at the time bureau shouldn’t nora being also 15 in 2019 not be an issue? They know what her whole deal is??? I assume????

actually on second thought this is exactly what would happen good job legends

you got two

nora is already so tired and does not have the energy for mona but loves her anyways and that makes me happy

Snow bloke?

snOW BLOKE?

force ghost len: exCUSE YOU AMAYA 2 I HAVE A NAME

charlie: ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black?

force ghost len: shut UP AMAYA 2

but also he kept so many jackets!

also dominic’s accent really slipped in this scene oof

god this wig is so BAD

the FEAR MACHINE

well played legends. well played.

turns out johns are dumb con men throughout time

what a strong blood line

mona literally everyone knows the timeline is a fucking mess that is a very bad lie

wickstable? that is ADORABLE

altho i personally headcanon that the dragon is named Ellie after laura dern’s character in Jurassic Park cause if you think nate would not name a dragon after a jurassic park character you are WRONG

also this is so, so dumb

...does he just keep those drawings lying around or....

tag yrself i am zari’s attempt at keeping her one shred of dignity by saying “seriously dude” before falling for that line.

love that kooky “intro level of a mario game” hooking up music

charlie should have her own catfish show

GOD i would watch the shit out of that

charlie: i deserve an A plot goddammit!

have you SEEN me?

god the wig just keeps getting WORSE

every second it degrades further until it is literally just a pile of straw falling off of matt’s head

“i miss hating him???” exCUSE ME??? POLICE???

i would like to report a CRIME

Hey

Hey Zach

HEY

do you remember RIP? Remember that guy Rip? Rip Hunter?

REMEMBER HOW HE BROUGHT THEM ALL TOGETHER AND ALSO HE AND SARA WERE IN LOVE

Shut the fuck up phil leave me alone

But fuck I can’t believe they acknowledged the first season happened

and that they’ve grown so much since then!

mick AND sara

they’re brother and sister and i love them

asdfgdhfjkglk;’ nate’s baby bjorn

sara: FORCED FAMILY FUN TIME GODDAMMIT

so wait wolfie is just a whole separate person?

...is that how werewolf’s always work? i don’t know anything about them

or is that a specific kaupe thing?

this is confusing

hey john, love ray much? jeez

...yeah, yeah you’re right we all do

ngl king konstantyne is boring me as much here as he did the comics

even matt can’t save this storyline

even the terrible gary green catchphrase cannot stop me from thinking him hot

although it is doing its goddamn best

oh sara, if you think zari and nate hooking up will do anything but make them both exponentially weirder i am curious what ship you have been on for the last four years

gideon is SASSY tonight i am a fan

bring more Sassy gideon back!

matt’s stunt double also has a terrible wig

what a night for terrible wigs!

the WCU lives!

I have not officially created an anti-Neal McDonough Memorial Can Get It Award, but if I did, it would go to the nipple.

WHY WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US PHIL

WHY

I DESERVE A LOT OF THINGS BUT NOT THIS

pffffttt zari putting the egg underneath the fuckin roller coaster restraints that just clearly highlights how cheaply they were made

hell YEAH WOLFIE

mmmmmm i can feel the atomwave in this chili’s TONIGHT

neron!ray: john, girl, you dumb as shit

john: tell me something i don’t knnnnooowwwwwwwwww

the FUCKING fairy godmother

nate: that is MY husband you BITCH

“he tried to hypnotize mona with his nipple” is a real line of dialogue we all had to hear

nipnotize

i am so tired

uh, still unclear to me how mona’s whole becoming a werewolf thing happened?

is it because she fucked the kaupe?

....it’s because she fucked the kaupe isn’t it

i need to go to bed

NEXT WEEK: Anyways remember anything fueled by VC funding is almost certainly the work of a demon!

#legends of tomorrow #legends of tomorrow spoilers #i can't believe that egg prop has survived for two episodes #good luck and god speed to it #the time idiots #my thoughts as i have them

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arecomicsevengood · 6 years ago

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BARGAIN BIN COMICS 2

The New World by Ales Kot and Tradd Moore. Credit where it’s due, this was not only a lot better than the last comic by Ales Kot I read, it was maybe the best thing I pulled out of a bargain bin. This is largely due to Tradd Moore’s art. His art is slick, sort of in the vein of James Harvey. There’s this sort of HD sheen to it I assume comes from working digitally, where the characters don’t lose definition as they’re drawn smaller. This cartoonishness stops the book and its overt politics from lapsing into pretentiousness or didacticism. It does make the book feel very cute, where even as the narrative seems like it’s copying Transmetropolitan it feels like it’s for younger millennials or Gen Z. For a book taking place in the future, the young protagonists sure do relate to their parents in a very 2018 way, and it kind of feels like YA. It seems as if the author’s optimism about the future comes from certain trends among current youth, though in turn I find the protagonists annoying. I respect that the book has two protagonists and gives ample time to both of them, as it tells its Romeo-And-Juliet-style story. There’s a confidence to the storytelling, a sense of knowing how much real estate to allocate to a moment, that I admired; and there is always something of visual interest happening. I would gladly pay up to two dollars each for the issues I don’t have (2 and 5) to complete my reading experience.

Moonshine by Brian Azzarello and Eduardo Risso. The four issues I got from this were all from late in its run, and I basically couldn’t make sense of it at all. I kept thinking scenes were flashbacks but maybe they weren’t. It seems like the cast is pretty large but I have no idea what any of these character personalities are. I don’t think knowing what was going on would’ve made me care, but Eduardo Risso is worth looking at, he has a similar approach to moving the “camera” around a sequence as Jose Munoz but a much slicker line and consistently dynamic layouts. Azzarello can write in a way that allows this style to manifest, but this one has a dumb high concept. Each of these issues contained a preview of some other, pretty terrible looking, Image Comic, like as the “value-add” for buying the single issues which doesn’t add to the value at all. The first issue of The New World threw in a self-contained short story by comics makers who don’t have an Image project, which is much cooler.

Xerxes by Frank Miller. Found 4 out of 5 issues of this and initially thought this the most exciting find of the day, but it’s beyond bad. Heavy on narration, with drawings that could maybe be interesting if the computer coloring wasn’t so overpowering and uninteresting, but I think most of the underlying drawings are pretty bad too, really pared back and simplistic and not much in the way of engaging sequences here. It’s more like the illustrations to a book that is really just the outline of a book. Definitely feels like you’re reading the work of a brain falling apart from age and alcoholism and while it’s kinda interesting on that level, it’s honestly one of the worst comics I’ve ever read/struggled to read. It’s unreadable.

Dominion: Conflict 1 by Masamune Shirow. I never read Ghost In The Shell or Appleseed, so these 3 noncontinuous issues are the first I’ve read by Shirow. He’s a good cartoonist. I’m surprised by how dense and fast-moving this is, seemingly fitting a complete book into what would probably be less than 150 pages. The sci-fi world it’s about involves cops driving around in tanks, and I don’t think this is being offered critically, there’s that weird right-wing dismissal of pacifism and praise for might that seems pretty sincere. There’s also catgirl androids in this, and a lot of the like “superdeformed” or “chibi-chibi” style, (are these the words I mean for this trope, where the characters turn into the muppet baby versions of themselves?) alongside super-detalied urban landscapes and depictions of tanks. Something that is interesting about manga published in the U.S. in the nineties is how I feel like I’m being presented with “anime” in its purest form. I know what to expect, and I recognize the exoticism that was a part of the initial appeal, though at this point it has shaped a subculture’s minds enough for me to know it’s not for me, even though I can appreciate it as being well-done.

Head Lopper by Andrew Maclean, issue 8. This comic is not for me, and I can’t really read it, due to my distaste for fantasy stuff. I’m also not really a fan of his linework, though his having a cartoony style and probably liking some of the stuff I enjoy makes me want to like it. It feels like a toned-down version of Orc Stain, which I don’t like either. I know I called Xerxes unreadable, but this comic makes my eyes just glaze over. With Xerxes I made an effort and felt “what the fuck is this” as a result, this I “get” intuitively what it’s going for and cannot make myself care. I read the first issue of this a few years ago and didn’t like it then either.

Thief Of Thieves by Brett Lewis and Shawn Martinbrough: Total outlier in the stack, in that I bought this for the writer, Brett Lewis. Me and many other people consider his comic Wintermen really good, but this is him doing the finale to a series that was I think created by Robert Kirkman and drawn consistently by the same artist, whose art is functional but not particularly interesting. The scripting is ok enough but obviously I only kind of understood it, as it deals with long-running characters I have no investment in. Ideally Brett Lewis would just be able to do creator-owned stuff. Anyway, I found most of this final arc, all except for the final issue. I’ve only read the first 2 issues but am posting this because I don’t think my take will change that much,

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kootenaygoon · 6 years ago

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So,

Loving Paisley always felt dangerous.

She was a rich Calgary girl way out of my league, a thoughtful and compassionate little Bambi-eyed human who I longed to protect. I loved introducing her to people, driving her places, and taking her picture. For the first time in my life I had someone who was mine. I was fiercely loyal to her, sometimes to an unhealthy degree, and our temperaments were linked, which meant if she was suffering then so was I. By the time we got to Nelson we were so accustomed to our volatile, high-stress episodes that we’d learned how to ride them out, shake them off, pretend they’d never happened.

We shared a dream of being together, but it was getting harder to ignore the bouquet of red flags we’d collected over the three years of our relationship. We were a family now, though, with Muppet and Buster, and who wanted to break that up? And what about Cora, our dreamed-about daughter? Wasn’t she worth weathering a few fights for? Paisley had been in and out of the hospital, but she was still proactively planning a way to pull us out of this rut. Eventually she came up with the idea of CrossFit.

“You spent all those years as a competitive swimmer and you haven’t done anything since,” she said.

“This could be something you could throw yourself into. Like look at your shoulders, you’re meant to be a weightlifter. It’s a class, so a bunch of people all working out together, with music and everything. It would be so good for your mental health, bear.”

“That seems boring to me, just lifting weights over your head over and over.”

“There’s more stuff than that. You do pushups and jump on boxes and there’s chin-ups and all kinds of stuff. It’s a full-body work-out, see? Come look at this. We could both get totally ripped.”

“How much does it cost?”

“Less than we spend on weed. And there’s a couple’s special, too.”

Paisley had personally transformed me over the years. Most of my clothes had been hand-selected by her, she controlled my diet, she’d chosen my cologne. When we first met I had a close-shaved beard with a tight line at my jaw, and she encouraged me to grow it out “Gandalf-style”. She took me for runs, or kicked me out of the house to run on my own, and made sure to give me a handful of vitamins every night before bed. She fed me delicious vegan meals, and prepared lunches and snacks for work. I loved how she took care of me, even if everything else seemed to be fights and screaming.

The most important thing was that she took me seriously as a writer, and believed that I would succeed one day. She was invested in my novel, intimately involved in all my decision-making, and would routinely encourage me to pivot away from the TV to get writing. Sometimes she would read passages and then give me spot-on notes. She had a sharp eye for detail, a cynical intellect and a twisted sense of humour. We spoke to each other in ridiculous baby voices, making up words like shabona and badoyna.

“I don’t think my antidepressants are working. I don’t feel any sort of difference and every single morning I feel like it’s this Herculean task to even get out of bed. Maybe I need to switch brands,” I said.

“Or maybe your dose isn’t high enough. My doctor doubled my dose six months ago,” Paisley said, rolling over in bed to put her hand to my face. “Tell him how you’re feeling, and see what he says.”

“I don’t think I can take this anymore.”

“I’ll make you an appointment, okay?”

“Okay. Yeah.”

“You have to remember it’s all connected: diet, exercise, mental health. If we want to get legit healthy we need to do all of them together. And I still think you should go full vegan.”

“I can’t do it, I can’t. You know I’d love to.”

She sighed, disappointed like always.

One thing we relished was our weekend sojourns, the days we would load the dogs into the RAV and take off with the canoe strapped to the roof. We’d hiked together in the Yukon, in Portland, in Nova Scotia and on Vancouver Island, but the Kootenay wilderness had a special magic all its own. History seemed to come alive before your eyes when you’d wander around some new corner and find a hulk of ancient mining equipment, or the foundation of some long-forgotten settlers’ cabin. Out in the Slocan Valley, right off the highway in Winlaw, there was a bunch of derelict infrastructure sinking into the woods. Paisley and I spent a Sunday afternoon taking pictures and smoking joints there, listening to the Slocan River swish by through the trees.

“Will, look at this. We gotta get some pictures of this graffiti over here, come look!” she yelled, while I struggled up the hill twenty feet behind her. At the top of the rise was a towering mural of two giraffes, their necks curving towards each other so they can kiss, with a bright red heart hovering between them. The colours were ultra-vivid, creating a stark contrast with the earthy tones of its surroundings. I would later learn it was the work of local muralist Matty Kakes. Muppet and Buster had tangled their leashes, so we both leaned down to help extricate them, pleasantly stoned.

“Those giraffes?” Paisley said. “That’s us.”

A week later I arrived at my appointment. I’d recently found a new doctor, a kind-faced Thai woman a foot shorter than me. She breezed into the room, sat down at her workstation and set a clipboard in front of her while she half-sung her greeting. We bantered back and forth for a few moments before she asked me why I was there.

She raised her eyebrows and held her pen ready.

“Well, there’s just been some really intense stories at the Star lately and I’ve sort of been having this conflict with my boss, right? And lately I’m feeling just overwhelmed and depressed, like I’m barely holding shit together. I was hoping the antidepressants would help, but they don’t really.”

“You’re on citalopram?”

“Yeah, I’ve been on it for almost a year now.”

She asked me about side effects, asked whether I was taking the pills consistently. Was I drinking? How about smoking pot? I told her I drank a little bit, like maybe some whiskey on week nights and beer on the weekends. As for pot, I lied and told her I only smoked a joint or two a day, radically under-selling my actual intake. She told me it might be that the cannabis was interfering with the drug’s effectiveness. Would I consider cutting back? I nodded good-naturedly, all the while knowing there was no way I could. Not while Paisley and I were in this particular morass.

“She went for it,” I told Paisley, as we left the doctor’s office. “She doubled my dose.”

“Oh, good.”

“And that CrossFit thing, babe? I’m in.”

She jumped up and down, kissed me, ran her fingers through my hair. We were across the street from Nelson City Hall, with late afternoon traffic humming past, and we hung in each other’s arms trying to believe in the future. Back in Dawson City we’d once passionately made out in the middle of the street at like 2 a.m., her legs wrapped around my waist while cars motored past on either side. Could we get there again? We were still that couple somewhere deep inside us, we just needed to dredge that feeling back out again. Being in love with her made me feel sick to my stomach, even a little dizzy. It was the same feeling I experienced the first time I went sky-diving, the moment my body lurched out of the plane and began to free fall. With her lips to my ear, she whispered her next words.

“I think we should get married.”

The Kootenay Goon

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pixiealtaira · 6 years ago

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Clued In

Kurtoberfest prompt three: werewolves

written in 2018 but not finished until December...when I got tired of Christmas prompts and my brain cried.

Pairing: Klaine BUT NOT Blaine or Klaine friendly. Moving towards Sam and Kurt.

Kurt Hummel was sitting on a hay bale, lost. And very upset.

He should have just outright refused when Blaine suggested they all head out to the corn maze north of Westerville and meet up with some of the guys from Dalton. Rachel of course took him up on it when Blaine told her it would be a great opportunity to spy on the Warblers and the rest fell into line when Rachel declared it a ‘chance of a lifetime’ and ‘fun to boot’. Most were feeling sorry for her after she got banned from singing in sectionals after the whole ballot box thing…and those who didn’t give in for that reason and spying on the Warblers gave in so Sam could have a fun activity to welcome him back.

Corn mazes are dusty and itchy after all. He could have refused. It was after Halloween…he just should have insisted that the season for corn mazes was passed. Rachel would have tossed a fit and Blaine would have been mad but no one else would have batted an eye.

But he didn’t.

And he should have put his foot down when Blaine decided they should spilt up into small groups that were mixed between the schools and that he would hang with Sebastian and Thad and some of the kids Sebastian wanted for the Warblers…all under the guise of being there to give his opinion of the potential new Warblers. And Kurt didn’t put up a fuss when Blaine told Kurt he should just stick with Santana and Brittany, who Blaine didn’t trust with any Dalton boys…and who ditched Kurt within three turns of stepping into the maze…without question cards so Kurt had no hints at all which turn to take at which turning point.

But he didn’t.

So he had no one with him when he turned the corner three turns and four long straight paths back and walked into Blaine and Sebastian rolling in the hay…both figuratively and literally. No one to see Sebastian’s triumphant smirk…or hear Blaine tell Sebastian that this was more fun than last time…or witness the multitude of love bites covering Blaine’s exposed body, several which were not new. So there would be no one to believe him…he was sure.

On the good note, no one was there to see Kurt’s tears or hear him sob as he lay on the hale bale where he’d finally stopped running from the sight. And there didn’t seem to be anyone around to hear him scream either. Well, call out anyway…he hadn’t resorted to screaming quite yet. Except for the one he’d released in anger and frustration and fury about Blaine.

The hay bale was at a spot where it was a four way intersection, so Kurt figured he was bound to see someone sooner rather than later. He was perched under the sign with the werewolf instead of the sign with the zombie. They were bound to mean something if he had the code cards…but he didn’t, so they didn’t.

He called out again, just shouting “hello….anyone nearby?” into the void, and mentally berated himself once again for leaving his cellphone in his car like Blaine insisted.

He didn’t get an answer. He considered getting up and trying to find his way out…again. Standing on the hay bale had not helped at all, so figuring out his way out would be a massive bunch of guesses. Then he remembered his dad’s rules of wilderness interaction…which he decided this decidedly was. One of those rules…stay you ass put if you are lost.

Kurt sighed. He’d give staying put twenty minutes. The corn maze was only so big…he could stay lost but if he didn’t come home his dad would call and if TONS of people came out to hunt the corn maze he’d surely be found even if he did move. However twenty minutes was a LONG time to be bored.

The first thing he tried he figured was a two prong attack on bored and being lost. Rachel always seemed to show up when he sang songs that were ‘hers’…so he started with Defying Gravity…complete with the high notes he blew to keep peace. It didn’t bring Rachel storming into the intersection, but he was rather proud of himself. He moved on to On My Own from Les Mis and On My Own from Fame, the theme song from Fame, and then I Dreamed a Dream.

Rachel didn’t come storming to get him, however…he was enjoying the whole singing loudly and fully without anyone telling him to hush. There wasn’t anyone commenting on his voice, or his songs choices…or telling him he had to sing just one certain way.

So…Kurt decided to sing things he knew no one would accept from him and so he never even considered singing during glee club. He sang Loch Lomond and Danny Boy. He sang How Great Thou Art and Amazing Grace…(and fully expected Quinn or Mercedes to show up and accuse him of believing in God…which he didn’t, but he liked the songs)…and Come Thou Fount and The Prayer. Then Kurt turned to those songs he knew would really have ...shocked… the others. He started with Ring Of Fire…safe enough choice. Kurt moved into Fishin’ In the Dark and Friends With Tractors. He was just starting into Achy Breaky Heart when Sam came dashing down from the side that zombie sign was placed towards.

“I thought it was you…but Artie told me it was impossible, because you didn’t know songs like the ones we kept hearing.” Sam exclaimed.

“Can you get us out of here?” Kurt asked.

“I can get us back to Artie, and then I think between the three of us we can get out of here.”

“Good…I’m done with this. Oh, I’m also done with Blaine.”

“Done with Blaine?” Sam asked, making sure Kurt was following him towards where he’d left Artie.

“Breaking up with him done. I will not tolerate cheating, especially when one is uncouth enough to literally roll in the hay…in public…where children could have seen.”

“He did what?” Sam shouted.

“Who did what?” Artie shouted.

Kurt followed Sam around the bend at the end of the straight run…the bend towards the Werewolf.

“That was Kurt!?” Artie yelled again.

“I told you it was Kurt. Blaine did a what…so Kurt is breaking up with him.” Sam said.

“But Kurt sings Madonna and Lady Gaga and Broadway. Kurt doesn’t sing country.” Artie said.

“I sing pretty much everything…no one ever asks. Everyone set me in a box by day two of glee club and never let me out of it. Blaine cheated…enough said. I cried already…then I sat on an itchy hay bale for too long and now I’m mad...and itchy. And done with this place. Do you have the damn clue cards?”

“Yep. This junction’s question is…Remus Lupin is a ….go right for Werewolf or left for Zombie.”

It took them ten minutes to complete the corn maze…with Artie surprised Kurt knew the Zombie question’s answers even when they were too obscure for him and Sam.

“So…Zombies and Country Music…” Artie asked as they relaxed next to the snack shack by the parking lot.

“I had a zombie phase in 8th grade and county music is one of the top music choices at the garage. I also sing some mean Dixie Chicks.” Kurt said. “When can we head home?”

Sam laughed. “When everyone else exits the maze.”

Kurt sighed. “I’m pretty certain I’m developing a rash. Cover-up will not conquer hives.”

Artie laughed. “And he’s back.”

Kurt stuck his tongue out at Artie and the conversation turned to the Muppet Show, of all things.

The others started trickling out of the maze in twos and threes and then about half the others who’d run into each other at one point and then figured the more the better. Artie left to hang with Puck and Mike when they got out.

Kurt scratched at his arms and legs and back. Blaine and Sebastian and none of the kids who’d gone into the maze with them were out yet, nor was Finn and Rachel or Santana and Brittany. Quinn was surrounded by Dalton boys who were hanging onto her every word and Tina was by Artie and Mike and Puck.

Sam stuck by Kurt.

“We could just leave them here. Especially Blaine and Sebastian. I was so upset I threw myself onto that damned hay bale and cried on it…and then sat on it because in running from them I got lost and now I’m going to be one huge mass of rash. So we could just leave them here…and they could suffer. And they probably won’t, I mean even though they were near naked on the damn things I bet neither gets a rash…just me…heartbreak and rash. I hate corn mazes. And hay. And I can see pumpkins so I’m even finding myself feeling negative about them…and I love pumpkins.”

Sam pulled Kurt’s hand off his arm…where he was scratching. He took Kurt’s hand in his and just held it.

Kurt stilled and looked at Sam. “If someone sees they might get the wrong impression.” Kurt whispered.

Sam smiled. “I doubt it.”

“Finn will…” Kurt whispered even softer.

“He could, but right now you need a friend and you need to not scratch. This gives you both. I don’t care what Finn thinks…or anyone else. I’d offer a hug but it might make you even more miserable.”

Kurt chuckled. “Probably would. Last time I got like this I had to wear soft worn cotton for a week and a half…and I have just one t-shirt and one pair of lounge pants that will work right now.”

“Was it the hay bales last time?” Sam asked.

“No, it was the actually grass type last time…in some field. It was on a field trip when I was seven. I’ve been on hay bales since and not had any reaction, but those were mostly alfalfa. These must not be mostly alfalfa, but have grass I was irritated by in them.” Kurt sighed.

“You aren’t going to be able to drive home…I could drive for you.” Sam said.

Kurt smiled at him. “I wouldn’t mind that. Finn can’t drive my baby. He’s not allowed. I don’t trust him at all behind the wheel.”

Sam laughed. “I don’t blame you. I fear my life half the time when he drives. Who all did you drive here?”

“Blaine.”

“That was it?” Kurt nodded.

“Does Blaine have his phone on him?” Sam asked.

“He took it with him.”

“Text him that you are heading home and he needs to catch a ride with someone else. I’ll call Finn and tell him Blaine needs a ride home and that we are leaving now. And I’m going to run over and tell Mike. Blaine should be covered with all that.”

“See the blond boy over by Quinn. Tell him as well, he’ll make sure Blaine gets home. Tell him I’m having a reaction to something and have to go.”

Sam took off to talk to Mike and Jeff. Kurt headed to his SUV. He fetched his phone and texted Blaine. He also texted Rachel…and Quinn. The message was simple. ”Bad reaction to something in hay. Need to go home. Sam is going to drive me. Blaine needs to find his own way home.”

Kurt reached behind the driver’s seat and found his ‘emergency’ box. He fetched the mittens from inside. Sam couldn’t drive and hold his hand after all.

Sam was running towards the SUV he turned to head over to the passenger side.

“Done. Finn answered his phone, too…so the message was spoken to him. Are you wearing mittens?” Sam asked.

Kurt nodded. “You can’t exactly hold my hand while driving.”

Sam smiled. “I could try, but that perhaps is for some other time. Climb in and lets head out. Oh, call your dad so he knows, right?”

Kurt called his dad as soon as he was settled.

He scratched the whole time he was on the phone. He even tried to scratch at his arms and side using the hand holding his phone.

The moment he finished talking to his dad, Sam held his hand out for the phone, which he then tucked into the driver’s side door pocket. “Choose a radio station you can listen to the whole drive and then mittens on.”

Kurt sighed and nodded. He pushed on of the preset station buttons and oldies filled the air.

Sam smiled.

The next few hours were filled with singing along with the Everly Brothers and Elvis and to songs like Teen Angel and Leader of the Pack. Kurt asked about Sam’s family and Sam listened as Kurt voiced his worries over everything from NYADA and having enough on his application to Blaine and why he wasn’t enough. And Kurt listened to Sam’s worries about his family’s finances without him there to help and his worries about his studies and the difficulties his dyslexia was causing. Sam convinced Kurt to apply to other schools and to apply in multiple disciplines. Kurt told Sam he would start tutoring him and they’d tackle finding some other help for his dyslexia as well.

And Sam talked about his love life…or lack of…and who he had dated while in Kentucky and the messy break-up right before he came back to Lima…and Tennessee before his first move to Lima. And how it wasn’t always a girl he dated, but the treatment of people had terrified him when he first got to Lima, so he stayed quiet. But that was why Kurt hadn’t upset him or made him uncomfortable when Kurt tried to get him to sing for the Duets competition. And Kurt spoke about how Blaine’s actions had hurt and why…and the episode in the Scandals parking lot and giving in to try to keep Blaine.

“We should hang out together for a while and avoid dating. People come up to us and say…you should start dating again, we should commit to saying ‘no not right now’ and back each other up. I have no need for a girlfriend that will cheat on me again and you have no need for a boyfriend who will cheat on you. I think hanging out and doing things with each other will give us a better chance as staying single.” Sam said. “We will recover from the ridiculousness our last relationships were…allow ourselves to mend from the abusiveness of them...because I think both our last relationship were probably abusive. I mean I’d call what you went through abusive and manipulative.”

“And yours was just as bad, if not worse. I think it was creepy how people let a girl play those games. Who sits by and watches as someone tells another youngster that if they break-up with her she’ll kill herself and it will be there fault?”

“The youth pastor. I think his response when my mother got upset after I told her what was going on and how he told me I couldn’t hurt a girl by breaking her heart like I was by breaking up with her was what made it so my mom was fine with my leaving Kentucky. As far as I know she hasn’t even tried to kill herself…she just talks it when a guy she doesn’t want to break-up with yet breaks it off. But I couldn’t stand it anymore…she was trying to get me to drop art club because there were girls in the club and I might talk to them. She complained about me spending time with Stacie.”

Kurt shuddered.

Sam noticed and looked at Kurt. “That is how I felt when you told me about Blaine and his behavior at Scandals. And then I thought I should have probably told you about his behavior at Dalton after you left, but it was always while they were drunk and I thought maybe you just knew how he got.”

Kurt shook his head. “No…I didn’t even know they partied like that until becoming friends with Jeff on Facebook. I seriously thought that thing at Rachel’s was Blaine’s first party with alcohol. I should have realized it wasn’t when he drank so much but didn’t pass out completely until we got to our place. He almost matched Santana drink for drink. I think your idea has merit, but I warn you…just because I’m not being tossed in the dumpsters or pushed into lockers as much anymore, things still aren’t great. Your reputation might take a hit and who knows what they’ll say about you. You’ll probably be labeled gay.”

Sam sighed. “I let others dictate how I lived my life here last time…this time I think I need to make those calls myself. I cared too much and all I got was cheated on and no one knowing me well enough to know things were bad. Quinn didn’t count because she didn’t know things were bad because she knew me but because of church…her mom was in charge of charity food boxes. I don’t care what they call me…the fact is I have messed around with guys before and liked it and I don’t think it was just because I was at an all-boys school.”

Kurt looked at Sam and smiled. “Ok. We’ll hang out and I’ll keep you from going straight into a relationship with the nutty girls we know who will likely demand it of you and you can distract me from feeling like Blaine’s behavior means that no one could ever really actually like me. We’re almost home. Dad said to drive to the shop and he’ll decide from there where we go. I think a trip to the ER is in my future…and I’ll have to go shopping for things to wear and I won’t even be able to enjoy it.”

“I’ll come shopping with you. Then you will at least have good company. And I won’t even mind if you are grouchy the whole time.” Sam said.

Kurt smiled. “I am glad you are back, Mr. Sam I Am. I missed you.”

“I am glad to be back. I things might be going the right directions for me finally.” Sam replied as he turned into the garage parking lot. Burt exited the shop as soon as the SUV pulled in. “Now let’s see about getting you out of those mittens.”

#glee fanfic #Kurt Hummel #kurtoberfest #sam evans

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jerepars · 7 years ago

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Banana Pancakes Extended Story Notes

1/1 Home

Hyperlinks appear in blue (underlined on mobile). The story is posted here.

Betty had set out dried flowers she called potpourri and, to make herself feel more at home, framed pictures of her with her sister, and of her niece and nephew from their visit. FP didn’t mind the display of Jason Blossom’s spawn in his home so much because Betty had made sure to put some baby pictures of Jughead and Jellybean out as well, along with a picture of Jughead with his best friends—Betty and Archie—even if Betty and Jughead weren’t on very good terms with Archie while Hiram Lodge pulled his strings.

This whole thing came to fruition because I thought about Friends 6x08 “The One With Ross’s Teeth”, when Joey’s new roommate Janine puts up a picture of an Anne Geddes baby and leaves out potpourri on the counter. Remembering that scene made me think that Betty’s influence on the trailer would definitely be felt by Jughead and FP, but because she’s Betty, they wouldn’t change a single one of her changes.

When Jughead’s plate was piled with a triple stack of banana pancakes and all the crispiest pieces of bacon, Betty offered, “More bacon for you, FP?”

FP took a long sip of coffee and ruffled at Jughead’s bedhead. “Thanks, Betty, but I think I should get going. Pop Tate has an appreciation for punctuality.”

It took me about five seconds to decide this story would be named after Jack Johnson’s “Banana Pancakes”. The third scene/section has quite a few direct references to the song, which I’ll mention later.

For the better part of the winter, Betty and Jughead had been a constant source of drama for FP and Pop Tate to muse over. Whenever Betty and Jughead were in the diner together, FP and Pop Tate would converge at the front counter and watch the body language between the two as they conversed in a booth. Whether they were together or broken up, there seemed to be a lot of hand-holding. There were lovelorn looks that the two diner attendants tried to decipher as well as bowed heads topped with a beanie and a ponytail, sometimes followed by giggles. The elder Jones and Pop Tate cheered for the latter and had talked about hatching a plan to deceive the couple when they were broken up in order to get them back together. The two men never really did follow through and interfere, but they fancied themselves good matchmakers—fairy godfathers, even—if it ever came down to it.

The idea of FP and Pop as matchmakers is incredible and borrowed from @myrmidonofmelodrama, who deemed them the fairy godfathers of the diner and the town here. I absolutely love to think that they spend a lot of time at that front counter coming up with plans like they’re love gurus. Also, I will accept no less than them being the biggest Bughead shippers in Riverdale!

Jughead and Betty flourished together rather than waiting for a moment that might never arrive. They anchored each other. Since getting caught up in the cover-up, they’d put the work into their relationship in order to rely on each other and know without a shadow of a doubt that they could trust each other.

The first sentence in this paragraph is a reference to a part of The Gaslight Anthem’s “Stay Lucky” that goes: And it feels like all you’d have to do is step outside. Stop pacing around and waiting for some moment that might never arrive.

In the booth, their booth, Betty and Jughead were an image of pure coziness. They sat on the same side of the booth, Jughead holding Betty close against his side, her head rested on his shoulder. Over a shared milkshake and a basket of fries, they spoke calmly, endearingly, occasionally exchanging kisses and giggles. They were the same kind of giggles that floated up into the ether of Jughead’s bedroom and carried through the thin walls of the trailer like a warning before FP knew to put his headphones on and jam out to Whitesnake before other noises began. Seeing them in the diner was like a forewarning. He already knew sleep would be scarce again when he retired to bed later that night.

Second reference to a song by The Gaslight Anthem in this story. This time it’s from “The ‘59 Sound”, just the part when we float out into the ether.

But his son and Alice Cooper’s girl? They were a vision. To see Jughead’s natural smile and the light alive in his eyes was something FP couldn’t put a price on—not in monetary value, not in sleep hours, not in any way. He loved his son fiercely, and Jughead loved him even when he didn’t deserve it, maybe out of a sense of obligation or maybe because the brooding boy had felt at times that his father was all he had.

At around 8:18 of Saves the Day’s “Daybreak” (it’s a 10-minute song), Chris Conley sings, Take a breath, turn around. See the sun come through the clouds. The light alive in your eyes. For all the ways the relationship between FP and Jughead has been tested, and will continue to be tested, I think seeing Jughead’s eyes light up is something FP would have an appreciation for.

“Morning, Juggie,” Betty whispered when Jughead peeked out from under his unruly mop of black hair.

Jughead’s response was to grunt and pull Betty closer into his chest. Like clockwork, Betty’s cellphone began ringing on the nightstand. It wasn’t her standard ringtone, but instead one Jughead could only describe as Hitchcockian.

“It’s too early.” Jughead caught Betty’s elbow before she could shift and reach for her phone. “Don’t pick it up.”

This is where all the lyrics from “Banana Pancakes” come into play. The first reference is probably my favorite part of the song: But the telephone’s singing, ringing, it’s too early, don’t pick it up.

“That horror movie ringtone means it’s Cheryl,” Betty identified the caller.

“Even more reason not to answer,” Jughead said distastefully.

“She’d mentioned having an extra Vixens practice this weekend before basketball playoffs start.”

“It’s a Saturday and it’s raining buckets.” Jughead refused to change his tune. “There’s no need to go outside.”

Jughead’s dialogue here is based on the opening lines of “Banana Pancakes”: Well can’t you see that it’s just rainin’? There ain’t no need to go outside.

For Jughead Jones, who’d gotten lucky enough to wake up next to the only girl he’d ever loved at the ripe age of sixteen, it was hard to want anything else but to lay lazily in bed all day when the whole world fit inside of his arms.

And the final part I used from “Banana Pancakes” goes: “We got everything we need right here and everything we need is enough. Just so easy when the whole world fits inside of your arms. Do we really need to pay attention to the alarm?

I really felt like the vibe of the song is complementary to Bughead’s domestic bliss while Betty is staying with the Joneses.

Sammy, or Sammy the Serpent, as he was casually known, was the plush toy FP had won at the county fair one year when the booth attendant had failed to guess his age correctly. It had happened during a time when FP’s drinking was near its peak and anything even remotely snake-related was a turn-off to a five-year-old Jughead. Sammy was six-feet long with plastic googly eyes and a tongue made of velvety red ribbon, the sections of his body alternating between sections of green and blue from head to tail. FP had hoped to boost a young Jughead’s affinity for the Serpents by giving him an obnoxiously cute snake plush toy, but instead the boy had banished it to the laundry closet where it remained even after all the years gone by.

I wanted there to be something at the Joneses that Betty would eventually take and display in her room once she was once again living under Alice’s roof. @theatreofexpression suggested some sort of snake thing, meant by the Serpents to represent them and their "brand”, but instead ended up cartoony. I immediately thought of a Dudley the Dragon plush toy I had as a kid that looked exactly like this:

So I said, what a shame that Dudley is/was a dragon and not a snake, because he’s the most non-threatening dragon I’ve ever seen. Then @theatreofexpression pointed out that, duh, just base the dumb-looking snake plush toy on Dudley.

And so Sammy the Serpent was born!

Fun fact: Graham Greene, who portrayed Thomas Topaz in episode 2x11 “Chapter Twenty-Four: The Wrestler” of Riverdale, was Mr. Crabby Tree on The Adventures of Dudley the Dragon.

After dropping her bag on the desk chair, Betty unzipped it and pulled out the framed pictures of Juniper and Dagwood she’d previously put on display at Sunnyside—FP really didn’t need any further reminder of Jason Blossom; his time spent upstate in jail had taken care of that just fine. Betty had a new picture with her, too, of her hugging Jughead from behind with his head thrown back and rested on her shoulder. In the foreground was half of FP, still in his Pop’s uniform. FP had taken the photo selfie-style on the day Betty and Jughead told him they were up in the Riverdale High polls after their final debate with Veronica. Jughead printed the picture on the last of the photo paper left in the Blue and Gold office, and used one of Jellybean’s old Muppets puzzles to make a bordered frame around it. He cut up a Whyte Wyrm magnet and stuck the pieces on the four corners of the back of the picture so it could be put on display on the refrigerator door.

I gave a picture from Skeet Ulrich’s instagram a story relevant to Betty, Jughead, and FP because…well, why not?

#je repars notes

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barpurplewrites · 7 years ago

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Not a Normal Christmas

Chapter 1 of a Rumbelled Die Hard. Yup, apparently I am crazy, but hey you all knew that right?

Rated G at the moment, but that will go up pretty quick if I continue this.

-oxo-

“Ladies and gentleman, welcome to New York. I hope you all packed a warm Christmas jumper, because it’s a winter wonderland out there. Thank you for flying with us, and have a happy holiday.”

Belle’s grip on the arm rests had turned her knuckles white. She blew out a shaky breath and relaxed a little now she was back on solid ground. The guy in the seat next to her peered across at her with a concerned look.

“Nervous flyer?”

He’d been a pleasant seatmate, after a polite hello, he’d left her alone. A vast improvement on the man on the flight out to California, who had demanded her attention the whole time, and insulted the book she’d been reading.

Belle chuckled; “What gave it away?”

He glanced at the armrest that bore a shiny trace of how clammy her palms had been with a shrug.

“I’ll give you a tip, when you get where you are going, take your socks and shoes off and make fists with your toes in the carpet.”

He smiled at her disbelieving look; “I know it sounds crazy, but I’ve been flying for ten years and that’s the best thing I found to get rid of flying stress.”

It was perhaps the oddest flying tip she’d ever been given, but sounded harmless enough, unlike Cara’s suggestion of a Valium and a double G and T. Belle fallen asleep in the departures lounge and missed her flight after trying that one. She gave the man a thumbs-up and said; “I’ll try it, thanks.”

She wrestled the giant plush dragon from the overhead compartment and almost bumped into the redhead flight attendant who had been flirting gently during the flight. She smiled back at the woman, and joined the shuffling mass of passengers disembarking the plane.

-x-x-x-

Gold doubled checked the figures as he strolled down the corridor to his office, everything was looking good. Excalibur Industries would finish the calendar year on target, financially at least. Two workmen dodge past him with muttered apologies. Gold shook his head; Saint Michael’s Tower had been dubbed Camelot by the staff and the name had been taken up by most of the city. Not a bad play on the name of their CEO, Merlin Glendower, and perfectly in keeping with the thematic names of Arthurian legends that the company favoured for projects. Whatever it was called the building was set to be a shining showcase of sustainable energy and ethical building techniques; if they ever got the damn thing finished.

“Gold!”

Gold cringed internally, he couldn’t stand Zelena Greene, but his dislike didn’t stop the woman flirting with him every chance she got, she seamed to think that his wedding ring was just a fashion accessory.

“Zelena.”

She fell into step with him, far to close for his comfort, and smiled; “Have dinner with me tonight?”

He cocked his head at her and frowned; “It’s Christmas Eve. Time to be spent with family, watching Muppets Christmas Carol and the Snowman, hanging stockings and wrapping last minute presents. Any of this sound familiar?”

They had reached the door of his office now and Zelena leaned against the doorframe and batted her eyelashes at him; “I was thinking more along the lines of mulled wine, fine food and perhaps,” – she ran a finger over his tie, - “You could hang my stockings at the end of your bed.”

Gold plucked his tie from her fingers and said firmly; “Go and enjoy the party Zelena.”

He waited until she’d moved away down the hallway and shuddered slightly, before taking a breath and strolling into his office. He gave an affected groan at the sight of his assistant, Ashley, who was still hard at work.

“Go and join the party Ashley, you’re making me feel like Scrooge.”

“Just finished Mr Gold. Think the baby will let me eat some shrimp?”

She heaved herself out of her chair and rubbed a hand over the pregnant curve of her belly. Ashley was seven months along and was carrying twins.

“I reckon if the troublesome twosome can make you crave snickerdoodles and marmite, they can cope with some shrimp.”

Ashley chuckled at him and headed out to the party in the Arboretum. Watching her waddling gait triggered a memory of Belle when she’d been at this stage of her pregnancy with Gideon. He sat down at his desk and looked at the wallpaper on is cell; a photo of the three of them last year on a picnic in the park, before Belle had received the offer to go work at Berkeley, and before he had buggered up massively. Christmas morning would dawn and hopefully a new chapter in their lives. He sighed and punched the contact for home.

“Hello Papa!”

The excited voice at the other end of the phone brought a wine smile to his face.

“Hello Gid, how did you know it was me?”

“I am six and a half, Papa. I can read the caller id, y’know.”

“Of course. Are you being good for Grandpa?”

“Yup. We’ve been building a massive castle out of Lego. Papa? Is Mama coming home with you?”

Gold wanted to say of course, but he’d not heard from Belle yet and didn’t want to promise something he couldn’t deliver.

“Santa and I will see what we can do Gid. Can I talk to Grandpa?”

“Okay, see you later Papa!”

There was a pause and then Belle’s father came on the line; “Evening Gold, before you ask, Belle phone before she got on her flight. Said her phone battery was almost flat and she’s forgotten her charger.”

Gold relaxed for the first time in hours, Belle was coming home for Christmas; “Okay, thanks Moe. We’ll be home in a few hours.”

-x-x-x-

In the arrivals hall Belle dodged past the happy reunions. There had been a time when Rum would have been here waiting for her with Gid to welcome her as enthusiastically, but their marriage had strained to breaking point when she was offered the job at Berkeley. For the past six months they’d been in a holding pattern, not daring to deal with their problems for fear of destroying the tentative balance they had found. She hoped they could keep that truce over Christmas for Gid’s sake, but at some point, they were going to have to talk about their future, and that was bound to cause fireworks.

She missed a step and did a double take at a sign held by one of the waiting drivers. Dr Belle Gold. It suddenly hit her that she’d not seen her married name written down like that for six months, at Berkeley she was Dr Belle French. She chewed on her bottom lip, that she’d gone back to using her maiden name for work had been one of the arguments her and Rum had had before she left; he’d accused her of taking the first step out of their marriage, she’d accused him of being possessive. It had been ugly, the only saving grace had been that Gideon was at school when they had yelled at each other.

She walked over to the driver; “I’m Belle Gold.”

He gave her a wide smile; “Good evening. I’m Jefferson, your limo driver.”

His smile faltered a little and Belle got the distinct impression that he was new at this.

“Well, this is my first time in a limo, so what do we do now?”

Jefferson laughed; “This is my first time driving one, so I guess we’ll muddle through together. Shall we?”

He made a flourishing gesture towards the exit and Belle couldn’t help, but chuckle.

-o-o-o-

The dark-haired man checked the bags once more and gave a curt nod.

“Time to move out.”

Only one member of the crew gathered around him didn’t hop to and jump into the truck. He stood wringing his hat in his hands. The dark-haired man rolled his eyes and huffed a frustrated sigh.

“Problem?”

“We’ve never done anything this big before.”

He jumped as a hearty arm landed across his shoulder, and he was subjected to a wide smile.

“We have done heists more dangerous than this. I know we can handle a few drunken businessmen and their pretty secretaries. Buck up Smee. By Boxing day we’ll be filthy rich, drink rum on a beach in the Caribbean.”

Greed gleamed in Smee’s eyes, eclipsing the fear. He grinned widely and hurried to the truck. Killian Jones followed Smee and swung himself up into the front seat.

“Gentleman, let’s pay a visit to Camelot.”

#rumbelle fic #die hard verse

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idthellyeah-blog · 4 years ago

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A totally timely and significant review of Rancid’s “...And Out Come The Wolves”

(I honestly don’t remember when I wrote this, maybe 2015. Definitely just got jacked up on something and decided that I needed to write a track by track review of an album I loved when I was a cool punk teen. It has just been sitting in my Google Drive patiently waiting to be posted.)

I remember the first time I ever heard/saw Rancid was when the video for “Salvation” off of their second album “Let’s Go” premiered on MTV. Such an 80’s/90’s kid thing to do, discovering a new band by seeing a music video on TV, ugh. I thought the leather clad mohawked bad boys were amazing and perfect and so cool...that I immediately tried to spike my hair using gelatin (tru punx only) and got a leather jacket (did not look that cool and was very sweaty). When “...And Out Come The Wolves” came out the next year (1995, I’m old AF) I was totally enamored and had found my #1 favorite album of all time (that lasted for like a year until music got better). I was supposed to go see Rancid at a big show in Omaha, I lived in a small town called Columbus that was roughly 90 minutes away from the big city...but the day of my mom didn’t let me go because I had bad math grades. I reacted the way any entitled white teen did, by laying in the garage and crying and playing their album. That show wound up being a huge to-do when fans tore up seats in the venue and threw cushions at the band leading to Rancid not playing Omaha for a long time. I missed out on some cool bad-ass punk rock shit, first world problems. Fast forward to today when I decided that I, Ian Douglas Terry, needed to write out a song-by-song review of this quintessential punk album. I’m a real music nut, and obviously very good at structured writing...so here we go! (Rock on)

1. Maxwell Murder - Oh boy, this one starts with like a subway train sound and then the beginning of a killer/complicated Matt Freeman bass line. That dude SHREDS the bass, and even has a wild solo in this song. That’s tight. Why did they stop letting him sing? He sounded like a fun Muppet on their first album and I loved his songs. Maybe he wanted to focus on just shredding the bass and using tons of pomade.

2. The 11th Hour - This song is great. It is poppy and upbeat and about a woman having dreams and demanding answers. Hell yeah. I love good punk music that supports women and feminism and figuring out where the power lies (spoiler alert, it starts and ends with you). Remember how Brody from The Distillers left Tim Armstrong for the dude from Queens of the Stone Age? And then he got all fat and got a beard? I can completely relate to that, and have been there sans beard.

3. Roots Radicals - This song RULES. I had to look up what “Moonstompers” were and who “Desmond Dekker” was. I remember trying to relate to this like it could somehow compare to living in a town with 20,000 people and the nicest Wal-Mart in the tri-county area. Remember how there was that Spanish language cover of this on one of those “Give Em The Boot” comps that Hellcat put out? That was real tight.

4. Time Bomb - Hit single baby! This had a huge hand in getting punk kids into reggae/ska for sure. Killer organ solo, lots of rude boy shit going, I loved it so much. Tim Armstrong totally re-used lyrics from the song “Motorcycle Ride” from the previous album...which is hilarious. Like c’mon dawg...you should know your own lyrics. I learned how to do the solo from this and felt like a guitar god (it is a very easy solo, like almost too easy).

5. Olympia, WA - I love songs like this that are about cities that the band isn’t from...so you have to fire up your imagination (or just read the lyrics) and be like, “What went down in Olympia, Washington????”. Turns out it was mostly hanging out on different streets in New York and playing pinball with Puerto Ricans while wishing you were with a person who you were sleeping with in Washington. Hell yeah, just like Shakespeare.

6. Lock, Step & Gone - Songs about docks were HUGE in my youth. Dropkick Murphy’s had like eight songs about boys on them, and this Rancid song alludes to them. I loved all of the blue collar, working class ideology that had nothing to remotely do with my comfortable upper middle class (not sure if that’s accurate because my parents were teachers, and like is there even a middle class any more?) life. This song definitely sums itself up at then end when it says “There’s a whole lot of nothin”.

7. Junky Man - Another theme that I could definitely relate to in a town of 20,000 people with like ten people who did meth...Junkies! This song is pretty great because the dude from the Basketball Diaries does some sick poetry in it...that movie was nuts. I like that song that he later wrote/sang about all the people he knew who died. The only way poetry can be cool is if the person is an insane drug addict with cool/sad stories to tell. Otherwise it is just loud diary reading.

8. Listed MIA - At this point I wholeheartedly agree with this song, “I’m checking out”. I don’t know if I ever really liked this song or if this was just part of the “I accidentally left it playing after the first four songs that I liked were over”. Lars says the derogatory f-word for homosexuals in it, because people called him that word...that doesn’t seem cool man. I get that it rhymes with “maggots”, but maybe give white dudes in the Midwest less reasons to sing that word out loud.

9. Ruby Soho - This is one of the best songs ever, hands down. It is beautiful and you can barely understand what Tim Armstrong is saying but it is wonderful. I feel like deciphering his lyrics led me to be able to understand most speech impediments, so hell yeah. This song is about loving someone a lot but having to leave them because it isn’t working out. This song was the blueprint for every romantic relationship I’ve ever had in my entire life so it might be a gypsy curse.

10. Daly City Train - Oh hell yeah, fun Reggae drums! Through punk and ska I grew to appreciate Reggae, but through being bummed out about that culture’s deep seated homophobia and the fact that most of it is super repetitive and boring and for dad’s on vacation. I’m just glad that 311 taught me to love those smooth Caribbean sounds again (oh god am I joking or am I serious, I can’t tell any more please save me).

11. Journey to the End of the Easy Bay - I can still play this bass line and was very proud of myself the first time I half-way pulled it off. It doesn’t sound as smooth and nuanced as the way Matt Freeman plays it, but goddamn it I think that was the height of my skill as a musician. This song rules themes about needing to belong and finding a place with people who thought and felt the same as you...and then losing it as everyone grows out of it. This was most of my early 20’s. I grew up in a scene with similarly minded people, it eventually ended and I still have contact with some of those people but that point in my life will never be replicated. I finally belonged somewhere and was part of something bigger than me. Now I do comedy and it is bleak, entitled, and sad and mostly alcoholics talking about their dicks. Please take me back.

12. She’s Automatic - This is not a bad song but a very confusing way to describe a woman. I get that it means she is effortless in “the way that she moves” but maybe I’m not giving Lars any poetic license because he looks like a guy who punched books. This woman sounds great though, and I’m sure they dated for three months. Revisiting this and that era reminds me that I almost had sex with a girl at the first X-men movie...man, being punk ruled.

13. Old Friend - Back to the Raggae! This song is pretty great, but they really missed an opportunity of selling this to a heartburn medicine company. “Good morning heartache, you’re like an old friend come and see me again”...that would be perfect for a commercial of a guy eating a giant plate of lasagna and making a “Oh boy, I did it again!” face. The Transplants sold a song to that fruit shampoo, maybe this is something I can retroactively help negotiate.

14. Disorder and Disarray - I love when punk bands have songs about “business men” being evil and the industry being bad. Like when Against Me were part of an Anarchist collective and then on a major label putting out really bad music. Rancid was at least on Epitaph, which while arguably not “cool” it was at least run by a kind of punk dude who is responsible for the biggest/shittiest corporate garbage of a festival, The Warped Tour. This song has a part towards the end where they talk to each other like David Lee Roth would do in Van Halen songs, that rules.

15. The Wars End - I get that this is a song about little Sammy being a punk rocker but at this point I think they should have admitted this album was fine with 10-12 songs and maybe some of these were super repetitive and unnecessary. It's like you’re forcing it. I can’t imagine the dude who recorded it had a lot of fun and he probably fell asleep and was startled awake and had to pretend like he’d been paying attention the whole time.

16. You Don’t Care Nothin - This starts out with the exact chord progression from Journey To The End Of The East Bay….c’mon guys. You Don’t Care Nothin about being succinct and making your songs individual expressions of art! The themes even seem like something they’ve already gone over. I’m going to eat some soup, brb.

17. As Wicked - Is this a different song or a weird breakdown? Oh, it’s a different song. Well...this soup is pretty good. Chicken Noodle, but the chunky kind. It isn’t amazing but it is good. I should really cook more. Maybe I’ll order Chinese later.

18. Avenues & Alleyways - I don’t really have a problem with this song because it has the “Oi oi oi” chant that the bands I was in during High School would do and we had no idea why other than popular bands doing it. It is very catchy. It sounds like the other two songs were just building up to finally getting your attention back. Plus it has a breakdown with people clapping, that is always fun. This has to be the last song right? It is the perfect last song on an album!

19. The Way I Feel - FUUUUUUUCK! What? Really should have ended the album on that last song, it had a good “anthem” vibe and at least wrapped this up into a somewhat sensible endeavor. This song could have been stuck in the middle somewhere, or maybe just not recorded with about seven others? The Way I Feel about this album is that there are some parts that hold up and are still fun to listen to, but the rest of it just seems like I’m being forced to read my own teenage diary and it is boring and sad. Nostalgia is a bummer, I can’t imagine having Rancid still be my favorite band. I’d probably still wear a chain wallet and spiky bracelet and be one of those obnoxious old drunk weirdos I see at shows that stick out like crazy sore thumbs. Bummer dude.

Oh wow, what a journey (to the end of the east bay, am I right?)...I’m glad I was finally able to get this review out so people could finally know what this album means to me and my generation of lazy weirdos. This took me six months to write and I should be congratulated for being a journalist with tons of integrity and great taste. True punks never die, they just eventually chill out and shop at Kohl’s.

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i-just-like-commenting · 8 years ago

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Star Wars rewatch,part 1: Episode IV, A New Hope

I’d planned to write this last week, but life got busy, so instead it’s my last little May the Fourth celebration! I’m also updating my project from my initial plan; I’ve heard the animated series The Clone Wars praised so much as connective tissue between episodes II and III that I’m going to try to watch as much of it as keeps my interest (it’s available on Netflix). My schedule is thus now:

IV (May) V (May) II (June) Clone Wars (June-September) III (October) VI (October) VII (November)

General Impressions, or the Movie on Its Own

Well, Star Wars: A New Hope holds up pretty well after all these years. I was first exposed to the franchise through Muppet Babies (no, really) and I can’t remember how old I was exactly when I saw all the movies; maybe 7 or 8? It’s an engaging and exciting adventure story with likable characters and a lot of world-building that manages to be immersive without being overwhelming.

That said, the technology hasn’t aged well – by which I mean the depiction of computers, not the special effects. They have big keys spaced far apart, with tiny screens. Oh, and at some point in the future we decided the best way to transmit files was manually? And copying files erases them? I suppose perhaps they were being jammed for the former, and trying to keep up the flimsy pretense of being neutral for the latter. Still, it’s all very seventies in terms of its computer technology.

There’s also no way this movie would be rated PG today, not with the charred corpses of Owen and Beru, or that severed arm in a pool of blood in the cantina.

The Special Edition Stuff

I definitely remember seeing the Special Editions when they came out in 1997 (I was 13 at the time). Seeing the films on the big screen, especially that opening as the Star Destroyer first appears, was amazing. But even then, I knew there were changes that did not work.

Twenty years later, it’s easy to see how much Lucas overestimated the quality of CGI at the time. Machines and things left blurry in the background tend to look pretty good, but living organisms, especially if they are close to the camera, do not blend well with the background at all and look horribly out of place. Comparing it to, say, Maz Kanata in Force Awakens and you can see how technology has come a long way. Besides, a lot of the additions are completely unnecessary. A few droids floating around with the Stormtroopers? A few aliens in the background? They work. But having things walk between the characters and the camera is disorienting and serves no purpose. Mos Eisley doesn’t look bustling, it looks like they set the shot up poorly.

Nothing is worse than the Jabba the Hutt scene, which left the audience I was back then completely cold. It is truly terrible, and you can tell that Jabba wasn’t initially supposed to look like what he did. (Side note: has anyone confirmed if the design of Hutts was completely ripped off from the Regul? Because I think they were.) It breaks up the flow of Luke and Ben’s transition to the Falcon, and having Han make a deal with Jabba rather than being on the run after murdering one of his minions (“We’re a little rushed”) meshes better with him being on bounty hunters’ hit lists in the sequel.

That said, I do like Biggs having a short scene with Luke to give a little more impact to his death, though I wish there was even more.

Continuity, Part 1: Relation to the Original Trilogy

I know Lucas made a lot of changes as the trilogy went on, but I can easily believe that he had two things planned from the start. The first is that Han and Leia were going to end up together. While Luke has an obvious crush on Leia, and she’s fond of him, the banter between her and Han is more typical “romantic interest” writing. It’s also obvious that, for all of their hostility (he resents her class status, she resents his feigned mercenary attitude) they take a liking to each other pretty quickly. Han’s “Either I'm going to kill her or I'm beginning to like her” is absolutely real, as is Leia’s admiration of his courage (as he leads what could be a suicide charge, something he mocked Luke for earlier). Given that she isn’t as despondent over Han leaving as Luke is, and her remark that “I knew there was more to you than money,” it’s safe to say that her “I wonder if he really cares about anything. Or anybody,” was more an attempt at goading him into action than sincere dismissal of his character. Plus that wink. 😘

I played a little game of adding “married in the future” to a lot of their snarky lines, including Han telling Leia to “Get on top of it!” in the garbage chute. It made me giggle. I am so immature.

The other plot development that complements this film nicely is Darth Vader being Luke’s father. Alec Guinness’ acting, the way he won’t meet Luke’s eyes, gives a strong impression that he’s hiding details from him – which it turns out he was. And of course the conversation between Beru and Owen becomes all that more sinister in retrospect:

Aunt Beru: Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him. Uncle Owen: That's what I'm afraid of.

The first time through, Owen comes across as simply a worrywart, concerned that Luke will die the way his father did if he ever sets foot off the farm. But if he knew that Anakin Skywalker had gone to the Dark Side, was one of the worst villains the galaxy, well yeah, he’d be very afraid that Luke resembled his father and want to shelter him from any chance of learning of the Force.

Continuity, Part 2: Relation to the Prequel Trilogy

That said, the relationship between Owen, Beru, Anakin, and Obi-Wan would make a lot more sense if Owen wasn’t Anakin’s step-sibling who he met only once. The convoluted connection between Luke and his aunt and uncle in the prequel undercuts everything in this film. How can Beru be an expert on Anakin’s character? Why is Owen resentful of Obi-Wan taking Anakin away if he only met him long after he became a Jedi?

If I’d been writing the prequels, I’d have made Beru be Anakin’s decade-older sister (allowing them to preserve his miraculous birth if they really wanted to go that way) and Owen her boyfriend who wants to buy her freedom and treats Ani like his little brother. Beru would be close to Anakin and Owen would have been around when Anakin left. It would raise the emotional stakes of them losing Anakin to the Dark Side a lot, too. Though maybe this is something Clone Wars tried to fix? I guess I’ll see.

After rewatching this film, I do actually buy that R2D2 secretly knew everything that was going on, while C3PO had his memory wiped. There are gaps in C3PO’s memories (he’s been in “several” battles, “I think”) and R2 obviously knows who Ben is, and again there’s a bit of an exchange between them like Obi-Wan suspects something is up.

There is one thing that the prequels do explain – why is Vader so hesitant when fighting Ben if he’s such a powerful Jedi? Well, he knows how it ended last time (with him having severed limbs at the edge of a pool of lava) and he’s being cautious.

Continuity, Part 3: Relation to the New Films

“If the Rebels have obtained a complete technical reading of this station, it is possible, however unlikely, they might find a weakness and exploit it.” And thus an entire movie was born. I don’t think I needed to have this “plot hole” filled in, but it worked out into a pretty good story, even if I desperately wanted more time to get to know the characters (who are pretty flat).

Obviously there are parallels between A New Hope and The Force Awakens, though not as much as people like to claim. TFA borrows from all the original films, and it’s impossible to draw direct parallels between the characters. Sure, Rey is an obvious fill-in for Luke, and Kylo Ren for Darth Vader, but Vader never captured and tortured Luke; they don’t even meet in this movie, which was probably according to Ben’s plan, separating himself from the group and luring Vader away from encountering his son. Beyond that, parallels start to break down. Person who sends off plans and gets caught by the villains? Leia and Poe. Only Leia wasn’t the one to destroy the Death Star…Duo who wind up stumbling on to the hero after being separated wandering in the desert? R2D2/C3PO and BB8/Finn, but C3PO didn’t defect from the enemy forces and free Leia at the start of the film, nor was he Luke’s love interest. Han is Han I suppose and Leia is General Dordana, and maybe Maz is Ben…? There’s a lot more originality to TFA than people want to give it credit for.

Conclusion: Bring on the Droid Revolution

DROIDS ARE SLAVES. That was the big gut-punch of watching it this time around. Like, how did I not see how horribly mistreated they are? They’re sold on market, wear restraining bolts, can have their memories wiped at their owner’s whim, or even “deactivated,” a fate C3PO clearly fears as much as a human would death. The cantina owner is bigoted against them, declaring that “We don’t serve their kind” and throwing them out of his establishment. Even C3PO’s attitude reflects a life of slavery: “We seem to be made to suffer, it’s our lot in life.”

Everything about droids is coded for them being an oppressed underclass, yet this has never come up in the films, ever. Are we supposed to be cool with it because they’re machines? They’re obviously sentient, though, and meant to be sympathetic. We spend a lot of time with R2 and C3PO before we even meet Luke, and them splitting up accomplished nothing other than character development.

They’re also obviously capable of emotion as well as intellect. I wasn’t joking when I said R2 and C3PO are the purest ship, they really are. C3PO is a classic tsundere character, claiming he doesn’t care about R2 right up until his counterpart is injured in battle, when he offers to sacrifice his own parts to save him. Seriously, I suspect “counterpart” is just droid for “life partner.” It may not be sexual (they’re gonadless robots for crying out loud) but it is true love, and I now ship it.

#star wars #spoilers for whole franchise #r2d2 and c3po

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