#my money is on the latter i think.
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is there also a bunch of girldick in bram stoker’s lair of the white worm or was that all ken russell?
#my money is on the latter i think.#either way ten outa ten stuff and we should put girldick in every movie ever#lair of the white worm#ken russell#bram stoker
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I still wonder…
Like. Seb’s document said he broke out while he was being transported
where was he being transported *to?*
Were they just changing where he was contained in the Blacksite? Doubtful given he was still given free enough reign to work on equipment during that time- he probably could’ve just moved himself, maybe with guards
Was he going to another site entirely? It’s implied Urbanshade has multiple sites even if Hadal is one of the main ones-
Were they going to sell him off? I mean- Urbanshade has a history of putting anomalies up for auction, both the Limited Time Imaginary Friend document and the Abstract Art files mention them selling off anomalies they don’t have a use for that aren’t something worth Neutralizing (or the other way around, too useless to sell), we know there’s other companies out there who’d probably have Use for a giant mutant- likely things that wouldn’t be good for him either like some kind of military use/Rich Weirdo Collector type stuff also
Did he even know? He waited 10 years to enact his plan- was it just the first chance he got, or did something happen?
#thinking about the Fish again#sebastian#sebastian pressure#sebastian solace#pressure roblox#roblox pressure#lore spoilers but like- fairly well known ones-#cough* sidenote I am once again making my standing position that Urbanshade is not SCP they are Marshall Dark and Carter- like.#Mixed with Chaos Insurgency and some SCP/GoC (maybe more the latter bc they tend to destroy stuff they don’t find useful? Idk-#I only know some SCP tbh#but like anyways-#The SCP foundation is kinda Fucked morally esp. depending on who’s writing them#but they at least have a philosophy they stand by#that being that anomalies are to be contained but also preserved/not destroyed without reason#(at least in most cases)#whether you consider it to be for better or worse is up to you but they *have* a philosophy#Urbanshade’s JUST in it for the money.#like. they don’t give a shit. They sell off anomalies frequently. they destroy anything not of use to them#they’re the scummy military-tech company of the anomaly world#HELL- EVEN *LOBOTOMY CORPORATION* HAD A GOAL AT THE END#IT’S **HARD** TO BE WORSE THAN THEM-
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how did you come to join rlds/coc?
Sorry it took me so long to get to this question. I just knew it was a long answer.
I think my testimony gives a good idea, and i'll include . Because I felt the presence of God calling me to go join them is the overarching answer, but I can also give points that drew me in.
But in a few some points:
I fell in love with the modern RLDS version of zion (and some of the old one too. nothing to do with israel.)
I saw they strived to be an inclusive place.
The Community of Christ's Enduring Principles are things I want to strive to live my life by.
The community made me feel very welcome and I saw people conduct themselves in a Christ-like manner
The community is very tight knit. society needs more of that.
Like, there is a certain behavioral affect (? cultural distinction?) that many members have that i thought was strange at first but it’s lovely. It’s kind, loving, and welcoming, and you adjust to it very quickly imo. Even to the lingo, which was a fun process.
Continuing Revelation. Saw evidence of fulfilled prophecy in the Doctrine and Covenants and the spiritual growth in the church over the years
Continuing Revelation in general. I like that my faith is alive like that. We have prophets, God could reveal new truths for new scripture tomorrow. We are encouraged to be prophetic ourselves and discern the future together, i like that.
Also, no new scripture allowed in the mainstream? why not? does God still not talk in this way? great points in my head.
The communal aspect to everything is good. Just like how any sect of mormonism should imo The people i reached out to while seeking (investigating) were very kind to me and open to my questions. They were also there for me spiritually, and became friends.
I could email leadership with questions and get responses. At one point, one of the church Presidents reached out to me.
It’s academically welcoming. I was able to accept the book of Mormon as scripture when taught from a 19th century point of view. This, in turn, made me much more comfortable with the Bible. Community of Christ has an official statement on how to read scripture and there is scripture on how to think about and use scripture too.
I can even acknowledge when the history and the religious text don’t match. Because scripture doesn’t need to be historically correct to be sacred and hold an important message from the Lord.
Not really a reason but it is there: Joseph Smith III rocked and was intended to be next. It shouldn’t matter. But what does matter is that he set the church on a good path imo. Emma too. Out of all the early schisms of mormonism I would have to go RLDS belief wise, because Nauvoo era theology isn’t something I believe in. I think Smith got caught up in his own head and desires for much of it. No offense meant to post Nauvoo mormon sects.
This does not mean I haven’t picked some things up from Brighamites. For example, Trinity doesn’t work for me. And I pray to Heavenly Mother. I believe in one Divine source with many expressions. But that doesn’t mean “anything goes” and I accept it, just knowing that God speaks to people of many cultures all over, as the good book (of mormon) says.
But yes. This is why Community of Christ. Not that there are all common Community of Christ beliefs, but I thrive here spiritually and am encouraged to grow all the same. Older testimony under cut that gives detail
I encourage y'all to watch this on video rather than just the text edited version i put here. not to be like "watch my talk on it" but please, watch my talk on the subject. I also talk about unity of the saints and what i have learned from other christians including other groups of latter day saints. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N8w2M6PEKfg
I start giving my testimony and talk at 26:36
____________
I am Wednesday. Here I share a portion of myself and my testimony. At the time of this writing, I have lived 26 years. I am a Black woman of Gullah/Geechee ethnicity. I was raised in the African Methodist Episcopal church, which I am extremely grateful for. My nascent spirituality was nurtured here. I learned the meaning of community and was immersed in my culture. I was taught to love and respect my Black self, in a society that would not be inclined to show me the respect and love any human deserves. I may have converted, but I was meant to be nurtured here. I am a Lesbian, and have experienced discrimination in faith communities due attitudes towards LGBTQ+ persons. I despaired over thoughts that God didn’t love me, and wondered if I would be condemned to Hell. In part because of this and being scolded for my questioning nature regarding God and church doctrines, I fell away from faith. I grew a lot in this away time, but didn’t really deconstruct my faith until 2021. My isolation in the pandemic gave me time for introspection. I would watch content from mainly atheist ex-christians who discussed their deconstruction journey. They were usually ex-evangelical or ex-mormon, and were really helpful to me for unpacking the mess that was my faith. Then something peculiar happened that changed the path of my life. Through the ex-mormons, I encountered the Restoration. There was something intriguing about it, and I wanted to learn more, so I did. I learned history, and the doctrine of different Latter Day Saint sects. I loved how innovative and “of the people” the early church was and how alive the faith seemed to be. I listened to members and ex-members, past and present, talk about their experiences within their faith communities and how they experienced the Divine. These were some of the worst years of my life, but there was something here that gave me hope.
I came across an interview featuring John Hamer, in which he talked about Community of Christ as a home for those in faith transition. Many of the concerns I had about Christian faith communities were addressed. I craved such a spiritual home and became a seeker.
I asked many questions of missionaries, and my inquisitiveness was welcomed. I got myself an Inspired Version of the Bible, Doctrine and Covenants, and Book of Mormon. I was very impressed by the Doctrine and Covenants and found the contents to be Inspired and even prophetic, so I started attending Beyond the Walls services online.
One Sunday, the service was centered on the Worth of all Persons, Christian acceptance of LGBTQ+ persons, and the church in Tahiti. I listened to the members talk about their acceptance, their being guided by faith in Christ in the process, and how those things were compatible and complementary. The speakers affirmed God’s love and mercy for all. Their faith was strong, and they spoke with authority. Their Christ-like compassion was palpable. I felt what I now recognize as the Holy Spirit, come over me. After the message, the choir sang “Spirit of God like a fire is Burning” and I felt that fire burning in my chest and cried and praised the Lord for hours after.
My faith in God is stronger than ever. And my passion and belief in the Restoration bloomed.
#community of christ#tumbstake#afrostake#latter day saints#queerstake#answers#mormon#which no one seems to want to be called so by personal choice i am “mormon”#converted to (a sect of) mormonism in part by ex-mormons is wild#tho the pastor that played a large role in my theological understanding is and ex-mormon (L-dS) and is now a Seventy (CofChrist)#i have no idea what a Seventy is for mountain mormons. General Authorities - i think#quite of few sect to sect converts#in my experience - queer people / families with queer kids#where i am it's baptist converts that seem to be most common#which - mood. i still go to my other church but my membership tithe and main attendance goes to CofC.#i do give money to my other church tho. they have given me money for college. every kid going to college in that church. def donate there#religion
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Literally can't pay my rent until I get paid for September, which hasn't happened yet. Today is Friday, and Monday is the last day of the month. I'm so tired of being poor.
#i still cringe to call myself 'poor' bc i have my own apartment and can afford groceries#and even fun stuff like museums and cafe visits and public transport sometimes#but the reality of the matter is that after i pay off my student loans every month#i do not have enough money left to pay the following month's rent#and that's the way it's been my whole life#all my groceries and museum visits and coffee come from those few hundred euros left over#my whole life i've been choosing between 'having savings' and 'having even the smallest most humble life' and obviously i choose the latter#i never go to the movies#i buy all my clothes second hand (got some this past month after not having bought any new clothing in almost two years)#i have visited a museum TWICE this year#i go to restaurants like... once a month max#i am living the most frugal life that i possibly can without denying myself all pleasures#i don't even have netflix or anything like that! i only very rarely order delivery! i cook my own damn meals!#you get the picture#and yet still: one single missed paycheck is enough to potentially fuck up my life seriously#i've never missed a rent payment in my life but i'm scared it may happen this time#just wrote to HR of my former employer (who is supposed to still be paying me through october) to politely ask where my paycheck is#it's probably coming today (i sure as hell hope so) but if it doesn't... i legit don't know how i'm going to pay my rent#my rent is 673 euros and i only have 400 in my bank account#i probably have enough food in my pantry to survive for a month if i had to#but i've never missed rent in germany before (or ever) and i have no idea how long they'd wait before evicting me for non-payment#i'm scared. and i'm tired of being apparently the only fucking person in my social groups who is this poor#i am an over-educated 37-year-old professional who typically gets classed with the 'expats'#but one missed salary payment has me thinking about eviction and affording groceries#this is what i mean when i say i'm an immigrant. not an expat.#those people with their apple watches and co-working spaces and spontaneous trips to thailand or brazil are... a world apart from me#how come everyone i meet is so damn rich? where do i find fellow poor friends?#anyway i'm stressed. and i'm so so tired of spending my mental energy worrying about money#cosmo gyres#personal
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people passing around that new LaD screenshot trying to figure out who's who and im so sorry but the lil figure in blue just makes me think of maria robotnik
#snap chats#if i cant escape shadow posting neither can any of you but now lets talk about this#it vaguely looks yellow on top ... do we see the vision or has been doing nothing but playing sth for a month done nothign for my health#im lying what is there even to talk about. idfk what im lookig at i see colors and shapes VALVKJAERKL#like idk how there are some mates coming to definitive answers as to what we see here#i COULD make guesses but i would not be confident in them#stealing this question from twitter but when do you guys thinks they'll announce a new game#op of that question said this summer or later this year but my money's the latter half of next year if not 2026#idk .... they need a break after like. two and a half games#there's usually a one to two year gap between games right ? 2025 or 2026 seems like time to announce somethign i think#idk dont look at me im just a dude. it could be longer than that ...
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youtube
the love of my entire life
#valtteri filppula#no one cares but i'm still gonna rant about this because you don't understanddddd#he's objectively one of the most succesful finnish hockey players. no not just in my biased opinion he really is!!#no other finn has won the triple gold (the stanley cup + olympic gold + world championships gold)#in the latter two he was also the captain of the team 😭#1000+ games played in the NHL#he's also won the swiss league and the CHL#he could have retired. moved to florida and bathe in his money#but what does he do? comes back to play in his home team 19 years after he left#(if we don't count the few games he played here in the NHL lock-out season 2012-13 before he got injured)#in his home team that currently does not even play in the top division??#as one of the owners of the team?? practically for FREE?!#because he wants to give back to his team and help them back to the top division 😭#i mean. what kinda person does that?? 😭😭😭😭😭#i'm bawling at how he walked in the locker room for the first time and introduced himself to everyone (with his nickname!!)#as if all them didn't know exactly who he was. come on he's a living legend??#he said he wants to be treated like everyone else in the team. they're just some boys#and he's won pretty much everything you can win in this sport#look how stark the locker room is in comparison to what he got used to in the fucking NHL and the swiss league 😭#at 40 years of age he's gonna be sitting in the same bus with these youngsters through the darkest of finland's winter#again i cannot emphasize enough that he could have retired to e.g. florida where he used to play for many years#(and where i think his wife is from? but i'm not sure so don't quote me on that)#he's so humble so smart so polite so friendly and on top of that he is handsome as fuck 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i've never had the chance to meet him but this season i really hope i can. although i'll probably cry loads and make an idiot out of myself#i was bawling my eyes off just watching him skate on the ice in his first match this season. it all felt so surreal. he's home again 😭#i've loved him for a thousand years (or just 20. but it feels like thousand years)#i'll love him for a thousand more 💙
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I put 30 tags on that dear evan hansen post. for the love of god don't click to expand the tags I'm so fucking sorry I just hate that awful fucking show so fucking much. oh fuck I've done it again in the tags here oh god
#theo.txt#I just realized more fucked up bullshit in the show while I was typing is all#and then wasted like an hour checking lyrics to make sure I wasn't misreading#no they do have zoe immediately backtrack her assertion that she won't let her brother's death change her view of their relationship (bad)#even though death and especially suicide often leads to valorization of the deceased#but all it takes is Evan's little connor pov song about all the things he (connor(evan)) noticed about her.#which are all very cute and extremely romantically coded.#and she takes this at face value! despite many of the listed traits being extremely odd things for a sibling to notice!#especially one she had a volatile to abusive relationship with!!! what the fuck!!!!#like ig you could argue. she's hoping he did secretly care and Evan's a new perspective that's not her parents#or on a meta level it's arguing that teens acting violently or abusively often lack other emotional and communicative outlets#however. the song is not good enough to be attempting either </3#textually it seems like it's trying to do the former in that at no point does zoe see through Evan's premise and responds entirely genuinely#however. booo hiss that makes no sense evan is doing a horrible job of hiding his crush#and zoe either thinking connor was noticing her sexually or just not picking up on it?? for the sake of the duet?? either is bad.#in the former that only gives her more reason to shut off from him and from evan#and the latter just makes her and the writing worse lmfao#Alternatively if we're playing that connor was actually really sweet like evan and she (or we) could and should believe he'd say this#and he didn't know how to express his feelings (even these kind soft observant ones) except through violence#targeted at the objects of those feelings nonetheless!!!!! he cared for zoe but didn't know how to show it and so he harmed her!!!!#and therefore not only should we empathize with him but she should forgive him and immediately relinquish her anger after his death#because he was just so misunderstood and he cared :( never mind her experience directly affected by his actions#shit piss fuck take on humanizing people who abuse or do other violent acts. Dylan klebold apologia ass song#I'm not even like. God I'm all for trying to understand why people engage in destructive behaviors for the purpose of preventing them!#I'm for recognizing the personhood of every human including those who do terrible things. I think we have to.#NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!#god. again. everyone who talked abt this show saving teen mental health owes me money for my 2016 experiences.#also they should have to watch next to normal.
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Scientists: want so badly for adult children who are friends with and/or still dependant on parents for money or a roof to be Bad that they are intentionally looking for detriment in the study results
Study results: so overwhelmingly positive they can't actually find the data needed to twist the narrative
Scientists: >:|
#i read an article#the article was pro kid/parent friendship and dependance bc MANY studies have shown that's beneficial to both sides#but people want SO BADLY to believe the fiction of Independence and it's necessarity that they think parents who still#care about and frequently talk to their grown kids are causing codependency and setting them up for failure and like#not inherently#living with my mother was super beneficial and i still would be if he wasn't anti ever living in MO again and i anti livinf in TX until#it's again a state i can comfortably live in as a trans person#like if i lived with my dad and step mom there'd be reason to question bc while he's gotten better she's just as bad#and expects me to sit down and take emotional abuse and revisionist history from my father's memories of abusive days#whereas dad will thank me for calling him out once he gets over the understandable moment of hurt in realizing what he thoughr was helping#one of his kids was actually hugely painful and detrimental#but also me asking my father for money isn't a danger to my independence it's a sign of the failure of the system#it's not a ''failure to launch'' it's a 'the system and economy are so broken it is literally impossible to get on your feet on your own'#like come off it#look at other societies and multigenerational homes#are they suffering for it? no! then why would we be????#like if you raise a child and all but evict them from your life when they're 18 then like. do you actually love them? do you actually care?#or did you feel like children was an obligation and now it's over and they only matter for holidays and birthdays?#bc the latter is much more of an issue than adult kids '''''boomeranging''''''
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its nothing a couple ibuprofen and a joint and three energy drinks and a 50 mg edible and two hours straight of head and a drinking binge and more weed and a broken arm and getting the shit beat out of me and some opiates and getting my back blown out and another joint and a bullet to the back of the head wont fix .
#my fucking stomach hurts and i cant tell if its 1) eating badly 2) eating At All and my body being angry about it or#3) Shark Week.#and if its the latter i might full on [REDACTED] because ive been back on t for more than a month now#and my body should have Gotten The Fucking Message#every time it feels like things are kind of okay Another Fucking Event Happens and im just so tired and anxious about money#And I Still Have To Call My Insurance And Set Up A Time To Take The Car In To Get Fixed.#And Pay For That. And The Rental I’ll Need In The Interim. And I Have To Pay For The Insurance Itself. And Groceries. And Plane Tickets. And#listen someone beating the fuck out of me probably wont solve anything. arguably it would probably make things worse because hospital bills.#but it might get me out of work ! so i still think we should try it#taking applications
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the pain i went through to get this fucker TEN (10) MINUTES BEFORE IT ENDS
#tulip says#i spent my entire trip playing this stupid game#20 days of suffering through quests and simulated universe and garden of recollection or whatever that is#making me hit a guarantee what the heck#im going to put down this game for a long while when i get home 😭😭😭#ok but sidenote. the way i got so much friend reqs from dan heng havers#idk if they were mocking or helping me manifest but now that i got him i guess ill think its the latter#im just relieved i got him otherwise i would have been super mad 😭😭😭#made me spend my time AND real money for desperate singles o(-(
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tell me you've never had to use skype without telling me you've never had to use skype: you complain about discord
#liz blogs#what am i doing that i am actually completely 100% ok with the way discord runs right now and what they have behind paywalls#what am i doing that other people seem to not be doing that they get frustrated#i hate corporations more than the next guy but they do. still have to make money. to Function#its just bad when the app barely functions Without giving it money#its the difference between having a basic car and having four wheels 1 seat and a steering wheel. only the latter is bad#but the vanilla discord experience is... just fine?? you're not losing out on any Necessary features without it#it's Nice having custom colors and profile themes and funny icons but you don't Need them#the objectively best feature of nitro is the emojis and i am fine shelling out $30 A Year to use them where and however i want#in the basic nitro tier because i cannot fathom how much money it must cost#to run discord and host the insane amount of data it does. can you even Comprehend the sheer Size of what it stores#it is in fact the Only subscription to Anything i currently have#i think the 'fuck corporations fuck capitalism' attitude is Excellent but i think when most people Cannot think critically at all#everything is just black/white to them and they see Any service trying to make money as Bad and start screaming about it#tumblr and discord are on my very short list of services that i am actually very happy with and fine letting them make money#i feel strange watching the internet turn on discord the last couple years. it's still the same app. nothing has changed#literally trying to encorporate n//fts and AI is the only real Shit Move i can think they've ever made and to be fair#like every fucking company is jumping on that right now out of ignorance and not malice#nitro is not the problem though 🥴 are y'all ok#yes i saw people pissing and shitting their pants about discord giving nitro users more themes and thought they were insane#dark mode/light mode is just fine for basic functionality. you dont Need colors. shut up and go burn down an amazon warehouse instead
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hhhhhhhhh i took a programming class bc i was interested in learning how to do that and i do believe i have learned that i do not like it :')
#trying to get myself to concentrate on the latter half of this course is like pulling teeth#but my god i paid money for this i had better finish it#i might've liked this better if i were being taught in person#but since i can't attend in person classes due to my schedule#i'm having to do this online and relying on text-only explanations for whats up#i'm recalling that uhhhhhh i don't learn that way too good sgdlkjsgd#neptalks#i think perhaps the most annoying bit of this was at the beginning of the course the professor was like#u don't need math to do programming#and then has proceeded to have us learn how to do stuff via math problems for the rest of the course#which is like cool yeah that's great i s'pose but i am Not Math Brained#as in my entire brain goes blank the moment i try to figure out Most mathematical questions#so its making an already fairly abstract process all the more difficult bc my brain keeps blanking out#anyways i'm done complaining u m u;;;#i try not to complain v much in public spaces these days but eugh
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.
#having a Bad Day#one of my bosses was talking to me about classes i should take next year#and gave some helpful ideas about taking trial advocacy and pretrial lit#which. i do plan on taking the latter sometime next year#but both of those classes would severely mess up my entire course schedule and probably wouldn’t allow me to work twice a week at the firm#but i ofc don’t say that i just nod and agree and say thank you. they don’t need to know what classes i’m taking#and then my head boss talks to me after and says they are suggesting these courses bc my analysis writing has gotten worse since i started#and that he noticed i don’t have a ‘passion’ for this work#so . great. now i feel god awful. not about what they think about me but more about whether or not i’ll be able to keep a job here#and like normally i would not care but. i NEED this job i NEED the money#i pay for my mom’s mortgage and i have loans to pay off + just! normal general things to buy! and GAS!#without this job i’d have $240 a month roughly from my other job which is next to nothing#idk what i’m doing wrong. this job is such a ‘trial by fire’ and i’m sooo intimidated by my bosses#and i’m cheery and i don’t complain and i listen and i smile and i work quickly#and sure i make mistakes but i try! i swear!#if i don’t have this job past the summer idk what i’m going to do i’ll be so fucked#putting all of my eggs in this one basket. already committed to this summer but if they don’t want to hire me after graduation#i will be jobless. i have no network. i spend all of my time working or at home bc i live with two disabled people an hour+ away from campus#and i don’t have the time or energy to do anything else#i’ve dealt with soooo much worse in my life idk why i’m freaking out so much rn#i would give anything to call my grandpa rn for some advice but .#…. haha anyways . great weather we’re having
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i think ppl were hoping me becoming poor would make me as bitter as they are but... nah
#i move about the world different sorry#i have my reasons to be upset but i dont let it consume me and become my personality#going to therapy ever since i was like 12 has done wonders for me#you hafta realize that- i could- if i discarded all my values and desire for wellbeing- probably get whatever money from my dad.#my conservative dad who wants me to not be myself and would probably try to black mail me about it like he did when i was a kid#you dont understand how much i have to hate someone. to not be around someone. to PREFER to be poor than interact with them.#im by no means comfortable. sometimes i have periods of comfort other times i have no money and barely anything to eat.#id rather starve than go back to that abuse. you might feel different but thats bc like i said i move about the world different.#you dont know what that abuse was like. after experiencing it you might choose the same.#and no i personally dont consider that me 'having options'. i really dont see sacrificing myself and living as a shell of my former self#as an option personally. its either die by starving or die by sacrificing myself and quite frankly atp im choosing the former.#ive already tried the latter and hated every second of it every time#the only bitterness i have about being poor rn is at yall who wanted me to become poor. so no. it didnt work out in your favor.#not sure why you thought it would. i hate yall.#dont get me wrong- i hate the rich too for this- but ig i dont see them as subhuman or whatever since i lived like that#the uberwealthy though? yeah idk. still dont like the nazi rhetoric of calling them subhuman but i dont have any real#sympathy for them. most of my sympathy for rich ppl anyways is when they're kids and how that fucks em up but if they become#corrupt selfish adults i dont have sympathy for them atp.#and to be clear- im not saying the benefits of having money somehow hurts them- there are negatives to it though if your parents#suck and think buying you things = love. and make you dependent on your parents bc you've had everything taken care of for#you your whole life so you have no real life skills so you cant as easily leave. which is worse if your parent is abusive.#also dealing with other rich kids? sucks! depends but it almost always feels like a dick measuring contest.#being isolated your whole life + not knowing how to take care of yourself- the number 1 thing animals teach their children first +#not having any genuine friends + not receiving genuine love? kinda turns ppl into super villains ngl#if i didnt have dogs who taught me a lot of shit id probably be a super villain too ok lmao
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fellas i fear i am about to relapse incredibly hard
#because my brain thinks i dont have enough to deal with it is going to make me starve i can already feel it#on top of life simply being Like That the gender dysphoria has been possibly the worst it’s ever gotten like it is insufferable#and i cannot do shit abt that currently except for either fucking kill myself or simply starve#the latter is the marginally safer option#and i know it’s bad this time bc idec LMAO sometimes i have to force myself into it but bc i was sick i barely ate the last week anyway and#now im just like whatever.#easier to starve than to force myself to eat at this point#problem is im going to be working like every day in december so i fear this will end horribly#especially if i drink at all. which i absolutely will be ik my brother’s gonna gift me alc for the holidays we always drink this time ofyear#despite all of this i do not want to fucking kill myself which is the only other option my brain is giving me currently especially given the#financial stress. like i can save so much money not eating too.#blowing my brains out folks 👍#ed tw#dlt ltr
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TT i dont know if its bc of my depression resurfacing but I'm starting to get an urge to drop out from school and focous ok doung art.
And like.....im saying this as someone who really wants to go to college.
Lols my mental health isn't good these days
#🪐.txt#so many things happened.....my studies are awful and I'm not managing to train ny violin#im just so tired and im barely doung anything.......school or my house or anywhere else feels stressful#i just want ti focous on doing art and reading and stop thinking about.....well. everything#im tired#i feel that im failing at every thing im doing#......i wish i could skip high school and go directly to college. but even so i would still suffer bc i can only leave my family's house#once im a legal adult#i have to work hard to archive that but i wish i didn't have to. ik its not right to think this way but im both envious of those with a#better life and those with a worse one. the first its obvious why but the latter is bc and ik this awful#i just feel like if my family was really shitty- like- with tons of physical abuse and etc#i woukd at least have some prove and justify to leave them#but thats not the case for me. my sisters might have suffered physical abuse but i was the 'lucky' one as the youngest and didn't have to g#through that#im just envious#i dont want to go to school but i also dont want to saty at hime either#since i dont have a bike not money i dont have the condition to be somewhere else#ugh. ik its typical for teenager wish that but it would be very nice if i got isekaid#at least i could have some freedom
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