#my mom really said beer first kids later

[shybasementkid]

in april i had to leave my moms house cause she was drunk and if your guardian is drunk or high or smth in norway (and if they have a history with substances) you kinda have to leave. it was the middle of the night and i was lowk happy to leave cause i didnt really like being with my mom cause of thr alcohol annddd i havent lived with her since. press posr

[wizard-on-whales]

I've literally had this stuck in my head for as long as I've been obsessed with him but imagine being highschool sweethearts with him...

Like you guys were inseparable when you were kids. Your houses were right across the street from each other and you were the only kids on the block so you always played together. You would ride your bikes through the streets, go to the arcade, play in a nearby creek. When you two got older your spot by the creek became a place to escape from family issues, you'd pass a joint and a beer back and forth, and just talk about your futures. Then when Senior prom came around his brother and your mom forced you two to go together even though neither of you wanted to go to prom in the first place. Half way through the night you'd ditch and go to your spot in the woods. You'd both be a giggling mess, drunk on spiked punch as you fall to the ground together, him holding you in his arms, making fun of your poofy dress once more. But secretly he loved it, his heart had been racing all night, his hands sweaty every time you'd smile at him. Now that you were on top of him, giggling away, he kissed you. He didn't know what overcame him but he did it anyway. You kissed back. Neither of you had felt this way about each other before, but now that it happened a whole new world of feeling opened up. All those years together, all of those memories, became something more in one moment.

You two continued to grow together, supporting each other through everything with a tight hold on each other's hands. James band blew up, just like you always told him, and he drug you along on tours and to crazy parties. You two would sneak off and make out in corners and in bathrooms, not caring what other people think. In '86 on a hiking trip, he got down on his knee and pulled a ring out, asking you to marry him. Of course you said yes, leaping into his arms and kissing him. You'd get married in 1990, 10 years after you started dating, it would be a small wedding, only your closest friends and family. He performs a song at the wedding for you that he had written, Nothing Else Matters...and it really didn't. Not to him anyway, he could have lost it all, the band, the fame, the money, he could have been living on the streets, but as long as he had you, he still had everything.

Mid 1991 you tell him you're pregnant, you both freak out at first but then realize how beautiful the opportunity is. Both of you came from broken families so the idea of starting a family together, one that would be full of love and laughter, neither of you could pass it up. Ironically enough the baby was born at the beginning of '92, February 10th. What would have been Cliffs 30th birthday. It only seemed right to name your baby boy after him.

A few years later another baby boy follows, Layne. It was a difficult pregnancy which ended in a C-section so you two agree to stop at two. But of course, the desire to have a baby girl outweighed your fears so in 1999 little Julia followed.

James had been struggling with his alcohol addiction, you tried so hard throughout the years to keep him from falling deeper but it couldn't be stopped. It pained you to see him this way, to watch him drink himself half to death. Many nights he'd stagger through the door and pass out on the floor.

Your breaking point was when he hadn't made it inside. He was passed out in the lawn in a pile of his own vomit. He needed rehab, no matter how much he denied it.

The months following were rough for everyone, James, you, the kids, but you pushed through and when he came home it was perfect. He was sweeter than ever, his smile from his youth, the one you fell so hard for, was back on his face.

The years that followed his sobriety journey were sometimes hard but you two made it work, just like you always had. In 2007 you found out that you were pregnant again. Both of you panicked for a while, wondering how you would make another baby work after already having three. Especially since they were getting older now...and so were the two of you. But Stevie was another perfect little angel who was adored by everyone. Her big brother Cliff especially. He was a sweet, sensitive boy who often took care of her without even asking. James and you told him he didn't have to help but he didn't listen.

Everything was perfect as the years continued on, Cliff got married and him and his wife welcomed their first baby in 2017. You and James were ecstatic about the news and the fact that you were grandparents now. It was only then did you realize that all of your dreams had come true, you and James were growing old together just like you always talked about in the spot by the creek. Sometime between 2017 and now, Layne and Julia both got married along the way too. Cliff welcomed two more kids, Layne welcomed his first, another on the way. Julia and her wife were opening a bookstore in Vail together. Stevie was about to graduate high school which seemed unreal.

Now you were here in the kitchen, preparing a Sunday dinner for your whole family, your 4 kids, 3 bonus kids (their wives), and your 4 grandchildren. James had arrived home from the store after you sent him for an ingredient you had forgotten. He stepped into the kitchen with a grin plastered on his face and his hand behind his back.

"what?" You'd say, eyeing him suspiciously as he stepped closer to you. Hed brushed your graying hair out of your face and bring a small flower out from behind his back, placing it on your ear.

"I saw it on the drive home, thought you'd like it," Hed say softly, a boyish smile on his face. You'd smile back, feeling a faint blush on your cheeks. Somehow after all these years he still found ways to whoo you. He'd wrap his arms around you and smile once more before leaning down to press a kiss against your lips. The kiss would be interrupted by the squeals of a few of your grandkids running into the kitchen, wanting attention from him, wanting their grandpa. You'd smile at the sight of him scooping one into each arm, moving to the living room to play with them as you finish up dinner, your heart filled with more love than you ever thought possible.

✭-----------------------------✭

Literally gonna sob

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

i'd love to see more from the poly reader x poolverine verse im obsessed w them

"I didn't realize your... roommates were home today," Your sister said helping the youngest into his coat.

"It's what happens when you don't call," you caution. "They live here. You want free babysitting, you accept the terms. Sometimes it's kazoos. Sometimes it's roommates." For now, you'd accept her calling them roommates. It was partly true. And it was less rude than what your mother had said. She called them your caretakers.

Sarah narrowed her eyes at you and you shrugged, "They're fed and in one piece. And Zach has part of his social studies paper done. You're welcome."

She watched for a second as her boys willingly accepted hugs and kisses as you ignored her, beseeching them to learn something at school and make good choices and she sighed, "Thanks."

"Call next time," you tell her giving her a meaningful look. You didn't live alone anymore. And if she didn't want her kids exposed to certain things then she needed to give you enough lead time to hide those things... Today she got lucky.

________________

"Shhh," Wade said, holding up a hand, "You hear that?"

"Hear what?" Logan said opening a beer.

"Silence," Wade sighed, sinking on to the couch next to you, handing you a glass of wine. "Holy shit."

"And that's why I like being the cool Aunt," You tell him yawning. "I show up late. I bring presents. I leave before the crying starts. And then I enjoy my nice quiet house."

Logan snorted and reached over to rub your neck as he took your other side and picked up the remote, "Nice little racket, bub."

You take a sip from your glass and stretch, snuggling into Logan's side and putting your feet in Wade's lap, "Not too shabby, boys."

"For roommates," Wade teased, smacking the bottoms of your feet affectionately. "Didn't know roommates fuck like we fuck."

"Sorry-"

Logan grunted and wrapped his arm around you, "Pause was doin' some heavy lifting there."

"Mom... doesn't approve. What dad knows depends on the day. And I think my grandparents would just drop fucking dead. So. There's that." You lean over and lift a sleepy Mary into your lap and stroke her back before resting your head against Logn again. They are who they are and you are who you are. You don't fit in with the cookie cutter perfect family they have and you haven't from the second you took your first breath. But you fit here with a variant and a mercenary and their ugly little rat dog.

"We could ruin Christmas," Wade offered, "Just go make out in front of-"

"Or," you hum, "we can leave well enough alone so I can still hang out with the kids and let them have someone around that's somehow less fucked up even if I'm objectively a mess."

The boys traded a look and Logan kissed the top of your head. They'd work out the specifics later but for now, as long as your sister kept her comments to herself they'd behave- mostly. As long as it meant you got to see the kids. Because it was clear it made you happy, and because; truth be told, it hadn't been too bad today.

Wade cradled one of your feet in his hand and grinned, "I got a question."

"Might have and answer," you tell him, hissing when his thumb hit a tender spot on your instep.

"Why do all the rugrats call you, Shush?"

"My parent's housekeeper calls me Sugar," you answer. "Everyone sort of adopted it and Zach couldn't say it- so it devolved into Shush and stuck."

"Stop it, that's precious," Wade cooed, "I thought they called you that because they were always telling you to shut-"

"Not all of us went to school thinking our first name was Damn it," you snort.

Logan smirked and let go of you long enough to light his cigar. "What'd she call your sister?" he asked.

"Honey. Or Princess if she was being annoying... it's just that neither ever really stuck."

[itsdeathofabachelor]

I really like the dynamic I’ve created for Jotaro and Kakyoin in a modern day setting.

Like, Jotaro got an after school gig and instead of going to college he’s took a gap year off the funds of said job, which is like some sort of warehouse or labourer thing because he can dead-lift three hundred pounds.

(The fact that he can deadlift three hundred pounds is also why his manager lets him smoke and drink outside on his breaks as long as nobody else sees him and it doesn’t affect his work, which is doesn’t because a can of beer isn’t going to knock him on his ass being 6’5 and like two hundred pounds himself*)

And Kakyoin is in college for some sort of business something because he also doesn’t know what to do but his very traditional Japanese parents overseas refuse to raise a NEET so he picked whatever had the highest graduate rate and games alone in his apartment after classes.

They’re roommates now but had been friends since they were kids and had reconnected literally by chance, as Jotaro had been working at said labourering gig at that time to pay for his Mom’s medical bills.

Side note: in this au Holly’s sick but more chronic illness sick, and after Sadao realized she wasn’t getting better and, in fact, it was a lifelong illness, he told her to leave. As the Japanese High End music industry is extremely judgmental and he was advised by several of his coworkers (and mistresses) that it would ruin his image if he was branded as a nurse and homebody taking care of Holly while Jotaro was at school.

With that in mind, Jotaro and Holly moved to America to live with Holly’s father, Joseph. Who is considerably more racist and far less charming for people to over look said racism. Suzy Q, his late ex wife and Holly’s bio-mom, noticed that after he gained a few pounds and suddenly didn’t have pretty privilege anymore.

She still barges into Joseph’s house to visit Holly and Jotaro, much to Joseph’s dismay. Jotaro likes her but finds her pushy and touchy without asking for permission first.

Jotaro worked at the same job he does now immediately after school to avoid the jokes and pokes at his father and about his race from Joseph, and seeing his mother try to walk again and cry when she can’t— Lining up perfectly one day when Kakyoin was walking (having just recently moved from overseas into the area of Jotaro’s job site) back from a later class.

Looking up from his phone he saw Jotaro, who was looking right at him from across the road, past the wire fencing set up to stop anyone from getting into the site and messing with the machines.

Kakyoin didn’t recognize Jotaro nearly as quickly as Jotaro recognized him. So as Jotaro long-jumped over the fencing and came barrelling into the street to the sidewalk where he stood, there was a split second where he thought he was going to die by the hands of a two hundred and fifty pound silverback gorilla. Like in the bootleg movie he had just watched the night before. And he wondered if this was the digital pirating god finally taking his dues.

Quickly, I should note, I remember seeing a post somewhere about how Jotaro’s love language is soft but he’d never let you get that close to him (the post included a picture of a teddy bear in a steel cage to represent this) and I think that fits very well with my own fanon interpretation of Jotaro’s character.

However, I do also think after so much time spent trying to help his mother, dealing with the weight of having to be the only reliable shoulder for her to cry on (because we all know THIS Joseph doesn’t have a emotionally intelligent bone in his body) and also the crushing feeling of grinding your body into a pulp for both school and some labouring job you hate— after about the year or so he had been there— would have had him clinging to those hinges by his fingernails.

So, bam! The last comfort of his childhood that hadn’t been ripped away, standing awkwardly at the crosswalk because he wasn’t sure if he should jaywalk because there were no cars coming, or if he should wait because the statistics of automobile casualties due to the average pedestrian’s immortality complex when it comes to giant metal machines are flicking behind his eyelids— obviously, Jotaro loses his mind.

Imagine a black bear. Giant. Huge, okay? Got that?

That’s what Kakyoin was suffocating into as Jotaro hugged him so hard his pre-mature stand popped out a little from his back.

This Kakyoin, having no fighting instincts what-so-ever, kind of just goes limp. And Jotaro, so happy he’s really really upset, shakily puts him back down.

And then there’s a moment like, wait wait wait wait. . . I know that mean mug— and then Kakyoin sort of connects the dots because Jotaro had always been a lot taller than him and also he literally was the only person Kakyoin had ever known that had let him blow out his birthday candles at his seventh birthday party when he found out Kakyoin’s parents didn’t ’believe in birthdays’ other than ‘milestone birthdays’.

And Jotaro had also treated him with basic human decency, considering he could have very easily bullied him.

So his face was burned into his memory for years now, whenever he tried to socialize and said the wrong thing, or if he saw a friend group doing friend group activities and suddenly he felt very very lonely. He actually really missed his and Jotaro’s friendship.

So they became best friends again like immediately.

It turns out in their time apart, Kakyoin had gotten an Autism diagnosis, which explained his unusual speech pacing and all the other things leading to ruthless bullying in middle school.

When he told him this on the floor of Kakyoin’s apartment— both of them doing a Pokémon themed puzzle together even though Jotaro had trouble picking the pieces off the floor— Jotaro could not have given less of a shit, but instead asked if that’s why, when the were kids, Kakyoin had always asked him for ‘pressure’ (AKA, Jotaro being taller than Kakyoin made it so he could give him a hug or lay on top of him in order to provide a good sensory feeling, or what Kakyoin had called ‘Pressure’).

And Kakyoin’s like, ‘Yeah.’

And Jotaro’s like, ‘Do you need some now?’ And mutters something about not wanting him to freak because he’s over whelmed or anything but really he wants a hug and doesn’t want to be the one to ask.

And Kakyoin’s like, ‘Sure. That’d be nice because I couldn’t enjoy the other hug properly when thinking you were a stranger trying to kill me’.

And now they’re roommates and Kakyoin streams his gaming seshes after he realized his parent’s monthly payments towards his rent were giving them ammo for guilt-trips and that he could make money off of games.

Weirdly enough, the same speech abnormalities he got bullied for actually helped him get his streaming platform, as it became his ‘brand’ in a way. Same thing with his flat humour and ‘fun facts’. Also, because he talks so much, his streams are very long, and there’s a running joke in his audience to— when he’s saying he’s going to log off for the night— ask him questions and see how long they can keep him on stream.

He doesn’t have a face cam, and plans to remain faceless to his audience, so whenever he really needs to focus and Jotaro comes lumbering in from a hard day at work and kicks his shoes off, Kakyoin—laying on the couch—raises his arms with his controller clicking over his head, not looking away from the screen, and is like ‘Jotaro, pressure. Streaming.’

And Jotaro hears Ode To Joy playing in his head as he tosses his ballcap with the company’s logo somewhere behind the tv and falls facefirst onto Kakyoin, who, after getting the air pressed out of his lungs, wins his match and talks to the chat.

The chat, obviously, asks about Jotaro, and Kakyoin just says, ‘A good friend of mine gifts me plus five stamina.’ Or some nerd shit.

* I headcannon Jotaro as fucking huge btw but that’s because I love very large angry men who, when relaxed, melts into a puddle of goo because their muscles aren’t straining. Jotaro has that kind of physique. Suzie Q (being Italian) loves this as Jotaro burns more calories flexing all day because he’s so stressed and tensed about everything, than a two mile sprint. So he eats. A lot. He’s one of the only people who actually eats enough not to have left overs. It impresses Joseph more than he’d ever admit.

[a-legacy-not-to-be-forgotten]

The lovely roba or martlet for the asks ?

Fuggit, I'm doing both!

First, we'll do the Roba!

Sexuality Headcanon: I've always seen Ceroba as bisexual. Dunno why, it just fits her.

Gender Headcanon: NGL, these days I kinda lean on Ceroba being a cis woman. Generally, I see Starlo and Martlet as more trans. Not saying you can't see the Roba as trans, just saying.

A ship I have with said character: I got a few. Staroba is an obvious one, but I also ship Beer Yuri (Ceroba x Dina), too. IDK why, I just like the appeal of a depressed lady falling in love with the gal who serves her booze. Also, nothing wrong with the canon pairing of her and Chujin.

A BROTP I have with said character: Ceroba and Martlet is one. I'm a sucker for red/blue friendships. Hell, if Martlet basically acts as Clover's surrogate mother, you can even have her and Ceroba be mom friends together.

A NOTP I have with said character: I don't have any that I vehemently dislike. I guess anyone that's not one of the four I mentioned above?

A random headcanon: I always had the idea of Ceroba knowing some form of MMA and generally being an aggressive bruiser when she was younger. To build off of that, I imagine kid/teen Ceroba was very quick to violence with a very bad temper in general, but still had a good heart deep down. Her hot bloodedness died down as she matured and settling down with Chujin helped her work on her more extreme reactions. Of course, her loosing Chujin (and later Kanako) would end up leaving her regressing back to a more emotionally vulnerable state, hence the Ceroba that we see by Undertale Yellow's storyline

General Opinion over said character: Well, the fact that she's my pfp should make things obvious. Not to sound like a broken record, but the fandom really just does not understand her as a character. Yeesh, first Alphys and Asgore and now Ceroba. Why do all of my favorite UTDR characters have to be misinterpreted and overhated by the fanbase?

And now it's time for our favorite birb.

Sexuality Headcanon: Usually I go with Martlet being lesbian, or at the very least female leaning to a degree.

Gender Headcanon: I pretty much always go with Trans Girl Martlet. No, Martlet, put that vial down, that is NOT estrogen!

A ship I have with said character: I'm a sucker for Prison Yuri. IDK why I just like the idea of her and Moray together, even if they have like one interaction in the whole game.

A BROTP I have with said character: Well, there's her and Ceroba as stated above. I like the idea of her and Dalv bonding and basically being neighbors post-Pacifist. Also into the idea of her and Starlo basically having a surrogate big brother-little sister esque dynamic. Let them be trans and autistic together.

A NOTP I have with said character: Same with Ceroba, none that I vehemently dislike.

A random headcanon: I like the idea of her being an amputee and needing prosthetic legs. I imagine them being put together with the help of Chujin and her having to regularly maintain them. Being the ditz she is tho, she sometimes forgets to tighten them, resulting in them disconnecting while she's up and about and her falling face first onto the ground.

General Opinion over said character: I love her! She's cute, friendly, and absolutely knows how to whoop ass when the time calls for it. She's great!

So yeah, overall, I love the fops and the birb. Thanks for the ask, anonymous bean!

[etherealspacejelly]

Way back when I was a itty bitty boy livin in a

box

under the

stairs in the cornerofthehouse

half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop?

Youknowtheplace

Anyway life was going swell & everything was juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust

PEACHY

Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

BIG

BOWL

OF SAUERKRAUT

EVERY

SINGLE

MORNING

It was driving me crazy

So I went up to my mom & said

"Hey Mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear sweet mother just looked at me like a cow looking at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me and said

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

IT'S GOOD FOR YOU

AndthenshetiedmetothewallandstuckafunnelinmymouthandforcefedmenothingbutsauerkrautuntilIwas26andahalfyearsold

That's when I swore that Someday,

Someday I'd get out of that basement and travel to a magical faraway place

Where the sun was always shining

And the air smelled like warm root beer

And the towels were oh so

Fluffy

And the shiners & lepers would strum their ukuleles all day long

And anybody on the street would gladly shave your back for a

NICKEL,

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

WAKKA WAKKA DOO DOO

YEAH

Well lemme tell you people,

It wasn't long at all before my dream came true because the very next day a local radio station had this contest to determine who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's

I was off by three

But I still won the grand prize

That's right, a

First class

One way

Ticket

To

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

Y'know I've never been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell you it was really great

Except I had to sit next to two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back kept throwing up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr Pepper & salted peanuts

And the inflight movie was Biodome with Pauly Shore

and oh yeah three of the airplane engines burned down

And we went into a tailspin

And we crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball

And everybody

DIED.

Except for me

Yanno whyy?

Because I had my

Tray table up

And my seat back in the full up front position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full up front position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full up front position

Aha ha ha

Ha ha...

ugggghhh.

So I crawled from the twisted burning wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Carrying along my big leather suitcase

and my garment bag

and my tenor saxophone

and my twelve pound bowling ball

and my lucky lucky autographed glow in the dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the

World Famous

Albuquerque Holliday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy!

An' you can even eat your soup out of the ash trays if ya wanna

It's okay, they're clean!

Well I checked into my room and

turned down the AC and

turned on the spectrovision

an' I was just about to eat that chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very very much when suddenly there's a knock on my door and I was like Well who could that be?

I said

"Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

No answer...

"WHO IS IT!!"

They're not sayin' anything

So finally I go over & I open the door & jus' as I suspected,

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Aw man I hate it when I'm right

So anyway he burst into my room and grabbed my lucky snorkel and I'm like

"Hey you can't have that! That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!"

an' he's like

"Tough."

and I'm like "Give it!"

and he's like "Make me!"

and I'm like "..."

"'Kay?"

SohegrabbedmylegandhegrabbedmyesophagusandIbitoffhisearandhechewedoffmyeyebrowandItookouthisappendixandhegavemeacolonicirrigationyesindeedyoubetterbelieveit

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

And somehow in the middle of it all,

The phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later I heard a familiar voice

And 'know what it said?

I'll tell ya what it said!

It said

If you'd like

to make

a call

Please hang up

and try

again

If you need help

hang up and then dial

your oooooooooooooooperator

If you'd like

to make

a call

Please hang up

and try

again

If you need help

hang up and then dial

your oooooooooooooooperator

In

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

Well to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow right then & there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant

Until the one nostriled man was brought to justice

But first I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car

And I drove over to the donut shop

And I walked up to the guy behind the counter

And he said

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh whaddya want

I said

"You got any glazed donuts?"

He said

"Nah, we're outta glazed donuts."

I said

"You got any jelly donuts?"

He said

"Nah, we're outta jelly donuts."

I said

"You got any Bavarian cream filled donuts?"

He said

"Nah, we're outta Bavarian cream filled donuts!"

I said

"You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said

"Nah, we're outta cinnamon rolls!"

I said

"You got any apple fritters?!"

He said

"Nah, we're outta apple fritters?!"

I said

"YOU GOT ANY BEARCLAWS?!"

He said

"Wait a minute, I'll go check"

🎸

"NAH WE'RE OUT OF BEARCLAWS."

I said

"Well in that case."

"In that case what do you have?"

He said

"All I got right now is a box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."

I said

"Okay I'll take that."

So he handed me the box

And I open up the lid

And the weasels jump out

An' they immediately latch onto my face an' start bitin' me all over

alkdsfjlahfoioi

asd;lfjaoisdufiah

Oh man!

They were goin' nuts!

They were tearin' me a part!

Y'know I think it was about that time when a little ditty started goin' through my head...

I believe it went a little something like this...

D'OOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

GET'EMOFFMEGET'EMOFFME

OHHHHHHHHHH

GET'EMOFFGET'EMOFF

OHMYGODOHMYGOD

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOADOIFUOAIUGOHYASODIUY

I ran out into the street with these flesh eating weasels all over my face

Waving my arms all around an' just runnin' runnin' runnin' like a constipated weiner dog

And as luck would have it,

That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams...

Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said "Hey. You got weasels on your face."

That's when I knew it was true love!

We were inseparable after that!

Aww, we ate together

We bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and bought us a house & had two beautiful children,

Nathaniel and Superfly!

Oh we were so very very very happy, oh yeah.

But then one fateful night

Zelda said to me,

"Sweetie Pumpkin? Do you want to join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said

"Woah! Hold on now baby, I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment!"

So we broke up and I never saw her again but that's

Just

the way

things go

In

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

🎸

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me because about a week later I finally achieved my life long dream:

That's right I got me a part time job at the

I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face! Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that! I was getting a lot of attitude.

Okay like this one time I was out in the parking lot trying to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil?

When I see this guy Marty trying to carry this big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself!

So I go over to him and say

"Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes & goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw."

So I did!

And he gets all indignant on me! He was like

"Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well that's just great, how was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for crying out loud! Besides, now he's got a real cute nickname, Torso Boy! So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote, so this guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days, well I knew what he meant, but just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein! And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over and I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?" But he just kept rolling around on the sidewalk screaming

AUUUUUGHHHGHHG

AUGGGGHHGUGUFUGHUUGIFU

AAAAAGUGUUAUUUUUAAAAAUGUGH

Y'know completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um

Um

Where was I...

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh

Well anyways, I know it was kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but I guess the whole point I'm trying to make here is

I

HATE

SAUERKRAUT

That's all I'm really trying to say.

And by the way if one day you ever wake up and find yourself in a existential quandary, filled with loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed up universe of ours,

There's still a little place...

Called

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

A

A

A

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

Albuquerque! (Albuquerque!)

I said

A

(A)

L

(L)

B

(B)

U

(U)

...

QUERQUE!

QUERQUE!!!!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Albuquerque!

Allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllbuquerqueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

was this entirely necessary

[noonaishere]

Online/Offline [C.S] - two | fried chicken and baby pictures

“I think this is it?” Yeosang said as he pulled another box off the shelf in his closet, trying not to knock some of the more precariously placed items on top of himself.

“You think?”

He laughed softly as he handed the box over to you.

“Your mom really sent like, every picture she could.”

“I think she was cleaning at the time.”

“I thought parents normally like to keep these kinds of things.”

“Yeah, I don’t know. Maybe they’re thinking of downsizing.”

“Aww, I guess that makes sense since you live here now. There’s gotta be a lot of memories in these boxes.”

He nodded as you brought the box over to the coffee table and set it down with the other three.

“Are any of them labeled?”

“Maybe?”

You looked at him, seriously.

“Ahh, I remember that face.”

You chuckled. “You were on the receiving end of it a lot, back in the day.”

He laughed softly and opened the beers on the table for the both of you. He passed you yours and then held his up for a toast. You followed suit.

“To… a new life in a new city.” He offered.

“To new beginnings and… something, I don’t know.”

He laughed.

You thought a second. “To getting everything put away in a timely manner.”

“Hear, hear.”

“There, there.”

You clinked your bottles together and took a sip.

“Now,” you said as you slapped your hands against your thighs and surveyed all the boxes. “Which should we open first?”

Almost two hours later and a few more beers in, all three boxes had been opened; and strewn all over the coffee table and floor in a way not dissimilar to the chaos the two of you caused when you were the ages you were in theose pictures.

“Oh my god, look at usssss,” you slurred as you pulled a picture out. “We were dressed up for something at school, right?”

The two of you - adorable, chubby-cheeked kids with the biggest smiles across both your faces - were holding hands as you wore smocks decorated to make you look like frogs with a kind of brimless cap hat with a lily pad on top of it.

“What was this?” Yeosang laughed as he took it from you. “I don’t remember this.”

“Neither do I.” You took a sip of your beer.

He flipped the picture over. “It just has the date on the back.”

“I love your mom and all, but she’s not very good at organizing things.”

“Well… yeah.”

“Pbbfft!” You laughed and covered your mouth.

Yeosang smiled. “Not on the pictures, huh?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d admit it.”

Yeosang chuckled to himself as he looked at the picture. “I love her too… but yeah, my dad has always been better organized out of the two of them.”

“Well, she is an artist. I suppose she has an excuse.”

“Yeah.… at least it has a date.”

Yeosang went quiet as he continued to stare at the picture. You went back to the box to pull some more out. 

There was an early organization attempt that seemed to lose heart proportionate to the amount of alcohol the two of you consumed. Kang Yeosangs from every age staring out of professional pictures, glossy computer-printed paper, and polaroids vaguely organized into piles by the picture type and how old he looked in them. With no labels it was much more difficult than either of you anticipated: it was plainly evident why Yeosang’s mom had just given him the boxes instead of putting them into albums first.

You looked at a picture of Yeosang, probably in early high school, after his family had moved away from the town you both grew up in. He was standing next to another boy his age, a little shorter than him, with dark hair and a mole under his left eye.

“I know what it is!”

Your attention snapped up to Yeosang, and you dropped the picture. 

“I figured it out,” he waved the picture in your face at you in triumph.

You laughed, picked up the picture you dropped, and put it back in the box with the others. Not that it made the mess any cleaner than it was. “What was it?” 

He held out the picture for you to take and you did.

“It’s the day we did that environmental pageant thing.”

“The what?” You looked at the picture again.

“Some of the older grades went to the aquarium or the zoo, and we went to that pond that was right near the school?”

“Aww, what the fuck? Why didn’t we go to the aquarium? What a crock.”

Yeosang laughed and sipped his beer. “We sang a song about frogs or something. and the dance as like--” he put his drink down and gestured hopping like a frog, “ribbit, ribbit, the water is clean. Ribbit, ribbit… something else that rhymes with -een.

You snorted a laugh as you looked at the picture. “Well, that was cute at least. Maybe my dad took a video.”

“Ohh, that’d be cool. I bet we were cute as hell.”

“Maybe you cried in it,” you looked over at him under your raised eyebrow.

“I didn’t cry in-- you always say I cried in things. It was one time!”

You cackled.

He looked at you angrily. Or at least, he tried. Until he started laughing.  

“You cried at three different school pageants. That I can remember.”

He wiped a tear from his eye. “I know, I honestly forgot.”

“You were such a sensitive kid back then.”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t seem like it now, though.” “No?”

“No, you seem different.”

“Well, the last time we saw each other was when we were ten.”

“Very true.”

Yeosang swirled his beer around in the bottle for a moment as he mused to himself. “Umm, how was it after I left?”

“Mmm, the classes or the other kids?”

“Both I guess.”

“I was stuck with the terror triplets all throughout school.”

“Into high school as well?”

You nodded. “The whole thing.”

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

“It’s whatever. They all hated me because I was friends with you anyway. If you were still there it probably would have just made it worse.”

“Sorry.”

“I’m going to tell you: that’s the alcohol talking. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Yeosang thought for a moment. “They-- I wouldn’t have been friends with them anyway! They were so mean! Even to me.”

You laughed. “One of them, was it Goeun? I think it was Goeun. Remember when she tripped you when we were like… seven? And tried to pull like a reverse Prince Charming thing on you?”

“Oh GOD.”

“She was brave at least.”

“All of their families had so much money, I couldn’t figure out what they wanted with me.”

“You were a cute kid, Yeo. They wanted to make you their boyfriend,” you sang.

His eyes went wide and he put his face in his hands and yelled quietly.

“I wonder what the other two would have done if one of them managed to land you.”

“Kill each other?”

“HA! Maybe. I wouldn’t put it past them… want to know what they’re doing now?”

“WHY do you know what they’re doing?”

“They’re all social media oversharers.”

Yeosang shook his head with a laugh.

“So, Junghee actually started being nicer to me in senior year. It turned out that she got over you and got a boyfriend, and Goeun and Baram got pissed about it. They sort of ostracized her from the group after that.”

“Wow, so she came crawling to you? What’d you say?”

“She apologized and said that she felt bad the whole time. I’m not sure if I really believed her, but like…I didn’t care too much either? We talked a little bit and she was actually pretty nice after Goeun and Baram weren’t making her decisions for her anymore. She travels a lot now, I think she’s living in the US.”

Yeosang nodded. “And the other two?”

“Both married.”

“What? Who would marry them?”

You laughed at his reaction. “I’ve never met them, but they look like that kind of salaryman who stays way too late at the office so they can try and get some promotion that’s never coming?” You gestured, asking if he’d ever seen the type.

He nodded.

“Like that. They both have babies and they’re both Mommy Bloggers with ‘perfect lives.’” Your fingers dug through the air in overly aggressive sarcastic quotes as you rolled your eyes. You stuck your tongue out and made a retching noise.

“Holy shit.”

“Mhm,” you nodded. “And here we are, looking through baby pictures, drinking beer, and we have fried chicken on the way.” You raised your beer.

He raised his as well and clinked it against yours. “We’re thriving.”

You cackled.

   previous | main cast | masterlist | next

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[allthingsfangirl101]

Study Session Part 1–Steve Harrington

Steve's POV

Y/N is one of the smartest kids in our class. She's probably the smartest. She also happens to be the daughter of my mother's best friend. Which means Y/N and I practically grew up together.

I found out today that I'm in danger of being kicked off the basketball team because of my grades. When I told my parents, my dad was an asshole about it. He instantly threatened to take my car away if I didn't get them up. After my parents went somewhere, I walked outside and sat by our pool. I opened a beer and lit a cigarette.

A few hours later I heard the Y/L/N's back door open. I looked over my shoulder to see Y/N carrying a trash bag. She threw the bag in the trash can and was about to head back inside but saw me.

"You okay?" She asked. She looked toward my driveway and sighed. She cleared her throat and shoved her hands into her back pockets. "You want some company?"

"You smoke?" I scoffed.

"No," Y/N said, clearing her throat. "But that doesn't mean I can't join you."

As hard as I tried not to, I smiled. She took that as an invitation and walked over. I caught her glance at the beer bottles on the ground before sitting next to me.

"What happened with your dad?"

"How'd you know?" I sighed.

"I just. . ." I looked over and saw Y/N's face turn pink. "Whenever you get into a fight with your dad, he goes to the garage or into town with your mom. And you. . . You come out here and sneak one of your dad's cigarettes and a six-pack of beers."

"How do you know all of that?" I asked again.

"I've watched you," she said, dropping her voice. "I just mean, I've noticed you. I mean, we've lived next to each other our entire lives, Steve. I know you. At least, I think I do."

"Sounds like it," I scoffed. Y/N cleared her throat and the look on her face made my stomach sink. "I'm sorry," I sighed. "It's just. . . It's been a rough night."

"What happened?" She asked. She quickly added, "If you don't mind me asking."

"I don't mind." I put down the can of beer I was drinking and put out my cigarette. I turned toward her and leaned my elbows on my knees. "I'm in danger of failing a couple of my classes," I admitted, "which means I'm in danger of getting kicked off the basketball team. My dad is pissed and threatened to take my car away and ground me until I get them up."

Y/N thought about it for a second before softly clearing her throat. "I could help you," she offered. "I mean. . . I tutor a group of freshmen and a couple of middle schoolers after school three times a week. I could help you study, maybe get you caught up in a couple of classes. We could do it during study hall."

"You'd really do that?" I couldn't help but ask. "For me?"

"Of course," she shrugged. "We've known each other a long time. Besides, you're the only half-decent guy on our team."

"Half-decent?" I teased. She looked up at me and chuckled.

"Hate to break it to you," she giggled, "but you're not exactly Prince Charming."

"Ouch," I said sarcastically as I dramatically put my hand over my heart. Y/N's cheeks turned pink as she laughed. "I can't be too offended," I clarified. "I don't have the best reputation."

"That may be true," she shrugged, "but I know you're not really like that."

"You do?"

"Like I said," her voice dropping, "we've known each other a long time, Steve."

                                * * * * *

A couple of weeks later, my grades were improving. All thanks to Y/N. I'm not sure how she did it, but she retaught me in a way that I actually understood it. Ever since she started tutoring me, we've slowly started interacting more. It started with nods in the hallway. Then switched to smiles. Eventually, we started saying "hi" and having little conversations.

Yesterday, I convinced her to go get burgers with me after school. We spent almost two hours eating, drinking milkshakes, and talking. For the first time in a long time, I felt normal. I felt like my old self. I didn't have to put on a fake facade or pretend to be someone I didn't truly want to be.

Today, though, something changed. She didn't say "hi" to me in the hallway, didn't talk to me, and was late to our session.

"Hey," I greeted her as she finally walked in.

"Sorry I'm late," she mumbled as she sat next to me.

"It's okay," I said quickly. "I was hoping you could help me with pre-calc today."

"Sure."

I watched as she slowly unpacked her backpack. I opened my textbook to the lesson our teacher went over yesterday. I waited patiently as Y/N got to the same page.

Y/N went through the lesson but not as happy or Y/N-like as usual. I still understood it better than how our teacher taught it, but it was strange seeing Y/N act so reserved.

"Is that right?" I asked. I looked up to see Y/N's mind somewhere else. "Y/N, are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she said softly. I reached over and gently touched her hand.

"Y/N," I whispered. "What's wrong? You've been acting strange all day."

"It's nothing. . ."

"Y/N," I gently cut her off. "Talk to me. Please?"

"Do you know William?" She asked, still looking intensely at the page in our textbook.

"He's that guy you've been dating, right?" I asked, trying to ignore the weird feeling in my stomach. "Didn't you start dating last summer?"

"Yeah," she said.

"Did he hurt you?" As I asked that question, I was hit with a sudden wave of anger. "I swear, if he touched you, Y/N, I'm gonna kick his ass."

"He didn't touch me," she whispered. "He threatened. . ."

"He threatened you?!" I cut her off.

"No," she said quickly. "Not me, at least."

"What do you mean?"

"He didn't threaten me, Steve," she sighed, finally looking up at me. "He threatened you."

I opened my mouth to say something, but she started to ramble. "He said that he didn't like me spending all of this time with you. And that if you came onto me, he'd kick your ass. He asked me when I would stop tutoring you. I answered him honestly. I told him that I'd probably tutor you until graduation. . . He didn't like that."

"Oh," was all I could think to say.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "He doesn't have a right to ask me to stop tutoring you. I agreed to help you and I think I am helping you. I mean, am I?"

"Of course you are," I said gently. "Before you, I didn't understand anything my teachers said. You explain it in a way that suddenly makes sense to me. But if you want, maybe we could take a break for a while. My grades are up. We have a couple of weeks before any big exams. We could take a break until. . ."

"No," she quickly cut me off. She took a shaky breath as she added, "I mean. . . I don't care if William doesn't like that I'm helping you and talking to you more. You're my neighbor. I mean, our moms are best friends. He can't tell me who I can and can't talk to. That's ridiculous."

We sat there, neither one of us really knowing what to say anymore. I hated the idea of taking a break from Y/N, but I didn't want to come between them. Even if I didn't like William.

I guess I can't say that I don't like him. I don't know William. He's been in my and Y/N's classes since we were all young, but I've never really talked to him. To be honest, I never really had an opinion of him.

Until I heard that he and Y/N were dating.

The first day back at school after the summer they started going out, I saw them together and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. I got this weird feeling in my stomach. After she started tutoring me, that feeling in my stomach got sicker.

"Can I ask you something?" She asked under her breath.

"Of course."

"What do you think of William?"

"I don't really have an opinion," I stuttered.

"Come on," she chuckled. "You can be honest with me, Steve. I want to know."

"I think you could do better," I blurted out. Y/N's eyes widened. She clearly wasn't expecting me to be that honest.

"Oh?"

"Let me ask you something," I sighed, "does he make you happy?"

"Well. . ."

"I know he makes you a little happy. Relationships make everyone a little happy, but I want to know if he makes you truly happy. I mean, happier than you've ever been. So happy you get butterflies every time you see them. So happy you hate going even a day without talking to them. So happy you wonder how you ever survived without them. So happy you feel like an idiot for not noticing them before."

My voice got soft as I added, "Does he do that for you, Y/N?"

"No," she whispered. "He doesn't."

"Does anyone?" I couldn't help but ask.

"I don't know," she said shakily. "Maybe?"

I hadn't noticed that we were getting closer together until our arms touched. I leaned back, clearing my throat.

"Does anyone make you feel like that?" She asked. Maybe I was crazy but it almost sounded like she was hopeful. I looked into her eyes and I knew my answer.

"I think so," I whispered. "It's complicated though."

"How so?"

"She's kinda dating this other guy right now."

"Maybe," she hesitated, "he doesn't make her feel the same way you do."

"You think?"

"It's possible."

We leaned in, our faces inches apart. All I had to do was tilt my head and our lips would touch. I almost did.

"We shouldn't," I whispered.

"You're right," Y/N said, leaning back and looking at the table.

"At least not like this," I clarified. She looked up at me, nervously chewing on her bottom lip. "Even if there is someone out there that makes you feel truly happy, he can't let you cheat on your current boyfriend. He should give you time to end that relationship and heal from it before starting a relationship with him."

"He could help her heal from it," she shrugged. I reached over and gently grabbed her hand.

"He'd be happy to."

Part 2

[grassthing]

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy Living in a box under the stairs In the corner of the basement of the house Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop You know the place Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Aww, big bowl of sauerkraut Every single morning It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train And she leaned right down next to me And she said "It's good for you" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut Until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer And the towels are oh so fluffy Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque Albuquerque

Oh yeah You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before And I gotta tell ya, it was really great Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women With excruciatingly severe body odor And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died Except for me You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position Had my tray table up And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha Ah ha ha Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn Where the towels are oh so fluffy And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C And I turned on the SpectraVision And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be? I say "Who is it?" No answer "Who is it?" There's no answer "Who is it?" They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril Oh man, I hate it when I'm right So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that" "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me" And he's like "Tough" And I'm like "Give it" And he's like "Make me" And I'm like "'Kay" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation Yes indeed, you better believe it And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said

It said "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator" "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" "If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?" I said "You got any glazed donuts?" He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts" I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?" He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts" I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?" He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts" I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls" I said "You got any apple fritters?" He said "No, we're outta apple fritters" I said "You got any bear claws?" He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws" I said "Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?" He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels" I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over Oh man, they were just going nuts They were tearin' me apart You know, I think it was just about that time That a little ditty started goin' through my head I believe it went a little something like this

Doh Get 'em off me Get 'em off me Oh No, get 'em off, get 'em off Oh, oh God, oh God Oh, get 'em off me Oh, oh God Ah, aah, aah

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin' Like a constipated wiener dog And as luck would have it That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams Her name was Zelda She was a calligraphy enthusiast With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love We were inseparable after that Aw, we ate together, we bathed together We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss The world was our burrito So we got married and we bought us a house And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?" I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby" "I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment" So we broke up and I never saw her again But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire out with my face Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that I was gettin' a lot of attitude

Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil When I see this guy Marty Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes "No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic" Well, that's just great How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote This guy comes up to me on the street And he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days Well, I knew what he meant But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up And find yourself in an existential quandary Full of loathing and self-doubt And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours There's still a little place called

Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A) "L" (L) "B" (B) "U" (U) "Querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Im gonna force feed you sauerkruat for 26 years

[musette22]

Hellooo, it's me, I'm alive! Sorry for disappearing again this weekend, I hope everyone had a great one! 💛 Mine was really really wonderful, so, time to overshare because I'm feeling all mushy and tired but happy. These past few days made me realize once again how lucky I am to have so many incredible people in my life 💕 I love them SO much and I'm so grateful they love me too, which sounds cheesy but it's true 😅

I don't think anyone particularly needs these, but I still want to share some of the stuff my friends and family have said and done this weekend just because they're pretty amazing and I kind of wanted to write it down to remember it (I'll put most of it under the cut though, because it got longer than I anticipated. whoops, who's surprised, not me either)

So my friend's little boy, who is three, got a little confused about pronouns while he was chatting away, and accidentally called me a 'he'. His mom gently corrected him like, "No honey, auntie Minnie is a she." And when he asked why, she said "Because Minnie feels like a she. What do you feel like?" And he gave it some thought and said "I think I feel like a he", so she said, "Well, there you go, we'll call you a he then! But if you feel like a she later on, or auntie Minnie feels like a he, then that's also okay. Does that make sense?" And he looked thoughtful for a second, said "Yep", and carried on playing.

Later that day my other friend picked up her almost one year old, looked at his little face and said "I'm pretty sure he's either going to be a construction worker or a drag queen. Maybe both." And then kissed his nose and told him she'd love him regardless of what he'd become.

I was talking to the husband of one of my friends (who is my friend too, but I knew her first), and out of the blue he asked me, "What kind of music do you like to listen to? I know you like Arctic Monkeys, but what else do you like?" So I told him I listen to a lot of 40s and 50s music, among other things, and then the conversation carried on. And then later that night, Billie Holiday suddenly came on, followed by Chet Baker, and it turned out he'd actually made a whole playlist of 40s music because he realised he'd been playing a lot of recent popular music during the getaway so far, and he wanted me to hear something I liked too

At some point I was talking to the husband of my other friend, and when he asked me whether I'd been seeing anyone lately, I kind of shrugged and told him that it isn't really a priority for me right now, that I'm not excluding the possiblity of dating or starting a family, but I'm not actively looking for it either. He just clinked his beer bottle with mine and said, "Cool, that makes a lot of sense. We don't all have to follow the same path in life to be happy, right?" And I was already grateful that he got it, but then he was quiet for a minute and said, "Shit, I'm sorry, I bet you're fed up with people asking you about dating and kids. It's literally no one's business but yours and I'm sure that if you ever want to talk about it, you'll let us know. I won't ask again."

At some point, my friend suddenly dropped down onto the couch next to me, put her arm around me and said "My god, I feel like we've only talked about kids all weekend, sorry about that." So I assured her I didn't mind at all (I adore those kids, I really do), and she was like, "Still, tell me about what you're reading right now, and while you're at it, please show me the cutest picture of Chris you saw this week," and then she spent a while cooing over my boys with me in return.

I was sitting next to my other friends' three year old little girl in the car on put way back from visiting a nearby castle, and she was super impressed and a little overwhelmed in that way kids have sometimes. She kept wondering aloud whether 'the princess' had been at home, and whether, if she'd ever meet her, the princess would want to be her friend. So I told her that of course the princess would want to be her friend, probably even best friends, and then she laughed and said "No silly, you're my best friend" and hugged me, and I kind of melted into a puddle

During brunch today, I was telling a story about how when I was jogging recently, I thought I was being followed by a guy on a scooter, and that I'd stopped to send my mom my location because I was genuinely a little scared. As it turned out, the guy just wanted directions, so I laughed it off and told the story as a joke, but then my brother frowned and said, "No, but it's not okay that you can't even go on a run without feeling scared just because you're a woman", and then told me he read an article recently about the precautions many women necessarily have to take whenever they go out or go on a date, like location sharing, or faking phonecalls, or bringing pepper spray, because we often fear for our safety in a way that men rarely have to. And then he said he'd never realised that before, apologised to me, his girlfriend and my mom on behalf of men in general, and said he wished we'd never have to deal with any of that

I was talking to my mom while we were on a walk, and she told me about an old friend she'd run into recently. So I asked her how they knew each other, and she proceeded to tell me a story about how in the 80s, they used to do sit-ins together to demonstrate for immigrants' and unemployed people's rights. When I asked her if she'd never been worried about getting arrested or anything like that, she just shrugged and said "Not really, because I knew that we were doing it for the right reasons and that was what mattered most."

Anyway, I know they're all little things and they should all be normal things, but I'm aware that they aren't always, or everywhere, or for everyone. And they just made me stop and marvel at how wonderful these people all are, big and small, how comfortable and at ease I feel around all of them, and how amazing it is that they not only exist and work to make the world a better place, but they also care about me in return. Like, not to sound like a hippie, but whoa, I'm feeling a lot of love and gratitude right now ❤️

[lords-of-mayhem]

hey all im saying is that if you write a thesis about how loc made you unwell i would read the hell out of it

like ik how it personally is making me worse, i need to know what its doing to others desperately

Okay, so. I'm gonna just throw all my thoughts that I currently have here. No promises on how coherent I'll be.

A lot of it is just based off of how violence is portrayed in the movie.

The parallels and foreshadowing in this movie fucks me up so much.

The scene of Euronymous simply saying "Scorpions?" to Varg and walking away from him paralleled by him telling Varg later, "I attracted people by saying you can't have this, you're not worthy."

Euronymous saying "nothing could stop me" cut immediately by Varg staring in the mirror???

The way Euronymous gives a speech that Varg overhears in the restaurant that Varg later parallels in the bar, trying to get the same adoration and it just doesn't happen?? Ough

Euronymous: We're not just a fucking metal band. I'm sick of all those speed and death metal bands, all that Swedish shit. All they do is celebrate life and party, they should just call it life metal. We play black metal, true Norwegian black metal. Varg: Exactly, posers claiming to be Satanists when all they wanna do is drink beer and have a good time. I hate that, all those death metal kids with their stupid Morbid Angel t-shirts. Making a trend out of something that was meant to instill fear.

Also I know I've said this before, but SOMEBODY in production has a blood kink. I refuse to believe otherwise.

There are at least 15 separate shots of men with blood splattered across their faces in this movie. I didn't even carefully examine every scene, I just kind of skimmed through the parts I knew of right off. (The show scene, Faust's murder, etc.)

And the way blood/violence is presented is so horny for no reason?? Like Occultus having his mouth wide open while Pelle's blood is actively pouring onto his face? This????

Who asked for this? ^^^^

Another thing is the parallels between Pelle and Ann-Marit. I KNOW I've gone on and on, but it fucks me up. There was no reason she needed to look so similar, down to their outfits being similar.

The multiple shots of Varg ass naked and fucking?? (This caught me so by surprise the first time I saw this movie, like why did they need to do that lol)

Euronymous pinning Manheim down while he encourages Necro to cut him? Lives in my head rent free.

The pure sexual tension in the Varg/Euro church burning scene. Like they had a cute little date and then the most homoerotic stare-downs ever. The way they smile at each other and the little hug :(

Then this gay shit

On the note of gay shit, there's not a single reason why Faust needed to touch Occultus as much as he did, yet here we are.

On the topic of Faust, there was also not a single reason why he needed to double take watching Euronymous piss. (keep your eyes to yourself girlie <3)

Emory Cohen also being so phenomenal at expressions really fucked me up in this movie, particularly him breaking up with Euro and him killing him later. He's so talented and it makes me so insane

Emory Cohen in general is just such a fantastic pick for this role, he's hands down my favorite casting. He's similar enough (especially irl Varg's arrogance that he captures) while also making the character his own is such a good mix. Plus, knowing that having a Jewish actor playing him pissed irl Varg off is a bonus.

Side note, but Pelle's dad leaving that voicemail while he was killing himself? It gets to me, man. It gets to me. (And while we're on the topic of parents, Faust's mom yelling in the background while he's getting arrested? Oh lord)

The Varg/Euro tension while they played with Atilla??? Hello???

Blackthorn decorating Varg's room for when the interviewers come by is also something I think about a lot. It doesn't fuck me up in the same way the others do, but I love that little scene. And him offering tea at possibly the worst time

They were sharing the same brain cell in this scene fr

The ending will always fuck me up the most. The shots of them all having fun intercut with Varg/Blackthorn/Faust getting arrested, Euronymous' memorial, etc. If you want to be really emotionally unwell, I highly suggest listening to this while watching it.

Everyone's reactions were sooooo good too

If you want something depressing to think about too, you can think about the fact Necrobutcher was probably just finally moving on from Pelle's death, only for Euronymous to die as well.

[bysmerian]

So, for reasons I may talk about later, I was thinking about my grandma today. She passed away about half a year ago, having outlived two husbands.

At her funeral, there were gifts given: a spoon from her kitchen, and a copy of her macaroni and cheese recipe, codified properly for the first time. It's not a fancy recipe, nor is it complex, but she made it for decades at every family gathering until she couldn't anymore. She was suffering from dementia towards the end; my mom had mentioned it a couple times (though she and my dad divorced over twenty years ago, they're on good terms now and she's still an honorary member of that side of the family), as had my dad.

Thankfully, her kids were well-off enough to pay for at-home care; she lived a few hundred miles away and I regret that I only saw her once after she'd gone on palliative care.

But I did make the trip. I made sure people knew I was coming, and dropped in around lunch time because she was more likely to be awake and alert.

This was really not as successful as I would have liked. One of the first things she managed to get out was asking whether someone had picked up the boxes. She didn't know who brought them, where they came from, were they would have been kept, or who would have picked them up, but she was wondering regardless.

We ended up talking to the caretaker a fair bit. The topic of food came up (a subject I tend to get interested and passionate about), and she mentioned that while she was mexican, she had grown up with the kids descended from the german and czech enclaves and that was really her food. She mentioned sauerkraut, which set my grandmother off: GRANDMA: "I want sauerkraut!" M.A., THE CARETAKER: "I'm making it, grandma, but I don't have it here." G: "Well, go get me some!" M.A.: "I can't do that, grandma, it's at my house." G: "...well why can't I have sauerkraut?"

[repeat several times] M.A.: "I can't go get the sauerkraut because if I leave you alone your daughters will be very angry with me." My grandmother, a small and frail czech woman in her mid-nineties, seemed to accept this, hunkered down with her sandwich, chips, and root beer, and muttered with a soft certainty, "This is bullshit."

(I have related this story to her kids, and some of my cousins, and pretty much all of them just laugh. Grandma was a firecracker who had been actively censoring herself as long as she'd had grandkids to behave herself around, and that was not some cantankerous dementia speaking, it was entirely her.)

After a few hours, we got ready to go. I told her I was getting ready to head to Dallas, and she lit up, beaming. "I've got a son up there!" She said.

"I know." I had to respond. "That's my dad. Would you like me to say hi for you?"

"Oh, that would be lovely."

I wish I'd visited more. But I'm glad that I did at all.

[bobawitch]

Saving My Rebel//Eddie MunsonxReader

Chapter 3

When you got home later that day your little brother was sitting in the living room. “Hey champ, where are mom and dad?” He shrugged before turning down the volume on his cartoons. “Hey sissy, who was that boy on the news earlier?”

You tensed before sighing, setting your bag down and sitting next to your brother. You wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him into a hug before scruffing his hair, he giggled before settling into the embrace. “He’s an old friend of mine. He’s in some trouble right now.” You sighed, pushing a hand through your hair. 

“Oh, is it serious trouble??” You paused, looking into your brother’s eyes before nodding. “Yeah bud, it is.” As you were about to explain, your mother walked in. “Toby, go to your room. I need to talk to your sister.”

You took a deep breath, squeezing your brother before letting him go to his room. You stood up and walked around the couch. You grabbed the small bag of snacks you had gone and bought as a diversion for why you left. “So where did you run to in a hurry this morning?” Your mother asked. “Went to go see some friends, we just walked around for a bit and ate some snacks. Had extra.” You finished your fake story by lifting the bag.

“So can I go to my room or do we need to have a formal meeting?” 

Your mother scoffed and waved you off. 

Before you knew it it was closing time and you were more than eager to leave. You had gotten Eddie a burger, a beer, some chips, and your small bag of weed that you saved for special occasions. You got your coworker to fully close for you so you were able to run out of there immediately. You got back to the shed and you noticed another car. Your brain went into panic mode and you immediately jumped from your car. You ran towards the shed and slammed the door open. After that there were many loud noises. Yelling and many hands began flailing but your eyes met Eddie’s and you suddenly felt calm again. 

“Guys guys guys it’s ok!” Eddie yelled, flailing his arms into the fest of people around him. The tallest, a boy with quite a bit of hair, was the first to calm down.

He turned to a smaller kid with a dorky hat and lots of curly hair. “Dustin shut up, someone might hear.” He gently smacked the boy’s  arm to shut him up. The boy called Dustin stopped talking and sighed, beginning to pace with a red head girl. You looked at the other people before resting your eyes on Robin. “Oh my god. Robin?!” You exclaim at the girl and she smiled.

“Y/N!?” She replied and came to you, hugging you.

The boy with the hair commented, “Uh.. does anyone want to explain who this mystery chick is?”

Robin scoffed as she let go of you. “Shut up Harrington, you should remember her! It’s Y/N! Y/N L/N, she was the punk girl with the crazy hair and the band shirts!” You gushed at her description and put up a hand in protest before shaking your head. “It’s cool dude, I don’t really remember you either…” You said and shrugged. 

He looked slightly offended before Dustin began again. 

“Hey I’m all for the reunion but we need to get back to Eddie’s story.” 

Steve sighed and nodded, turning back to Eddie who was standing right in front of one of those shitty crates they store milk in. He looked a bit pale when Dustin mentioned talking about what happened again.

Soon you found yourself sitting next to Dustin, listening to Eddie and then listening to Dustin about some crazy conspiracy theory about Hawkins.

“Woah woah woah. What do you mean that it’s not that far off when people say Hawkins is cursed… Like demons and possessed people and shit? Or like zombies and shit.” 

The red head shrugged and looked at Dustin, Dustin nodded slowly and you looked at Eddie. You and Eddie just stared at each other for a minute before you heard Steve talk again. “Listen, it's late and we can’t do anything right now. We’ll figure out more with this Vecna creep tomorrow. We’ll bring you food too.” He motioned to Eddie when he said you. 

You nodded slowly, “I’ll stay for a bit longer, brought him food anyways.” 

The others nodded, grabbing their stuff and leaving the shed. You scooted yourself over to Eddie once they left and gently placed your hand on his hand. “How are you feeling dude?” You said sympathetically. 

Eddie grasped onto your hand and stared forward. He was less tense than when you first found him but he was definitely scared. You gripped his hand, intertwining your fingers with his. His attention was snapped away from his thoughts and he looked at you. He sighed and nodded. “Yeah I guess… definitely a little jumpy.” Soon he looked down at your hands. He smirked. “You getting soft on me?” He chuckled and you rolled your eyes. “You were the one that grabbed my hand dorkus.” 

You stood and grabbed the bag from your work. “I have your food, you should eat.” 

He sighed and nodded, pushing himself up from his own knees. “Grabbed your favorite. I originally brought some weed too but I don’t think being high will help now.. I don’t want you to get in trouble.” He nodded as he unwrapped the burger, devouring it like a wild animal. 

You stood by the window, looking out into the dark. 

“When do you want me to leave?” Eddie looked up, his mouth full. 

“You’re leaving?” He said with a few flakes of bun leaping out. You cringed, “keep your mouth shut freakazoid!” You said, smiling after. 

He swallowed, drinking some of the beer you brought him and wiping his mouth. 

“I just didn’t think you’d leave..” He said gently. 

You met his eyes and your heart melted. You tugged on your Metallica shirt and cleared your throat. 

“Well I just thought I should leave… I mean you don’t need or want me to.”

The silence grew and Eddie met your eyes. You looked away, heat growing on your cheeks. 

“Please don’t uh.. Don’t leave.” He lost your eyes then, wandering down to the floor as he spoke. 

You slowly nod and look away from the window. “Yes I’ll stay. Mom can deal.” You said, looking at Eddie and smiling. 

He smiled weakly and moved back to the canoe. He had finished the food and seemed to be ready to hide again. You moved to him as well, grabbing some of the camping gear that laid in the old shack. Eddie watched you with a close eye. 

“You can sleep in the canoe, I’ll sleep on the ground Y/N” He offered. 

You looked up and laughed. “How about we share the canoe?” You didn’t want to make him sleep on the ground after the shit he saw. Eddie stared at you long and hard. He didn’t know what to say in response. He hadn’t exactly been that physically close to you just about ever and you were, well Harrington would’ve put it better but a total babe.

He smirked, “you just trying to sleep with me Y/N” 

Your face turned red and you threw the camping blanket at him. 

“Oh shut up Munson! Forget I suggested it!” You mumbled and began to move off. 

Suddenly you felt him grab your arm and pull you back. “I was joking. I’d like that a lot.” He said. 

Soon you found yourself laying on him, your head against his chest. You could feel your heart pounding against your chest but soon Eddie began to hum. His hands combed through your hair. And soon you fell into a gentle sleep.

previous chapter here: https://www.tumblr.com/bobawitch/691848783091335168/saving-my-rebel-eddie-munson-x-reader?source=share

[acommonloon]

As our front yard water feature grows, I have to say these Morels are a suitable substitute for the crispy fish I woke up craving.

This batch came from a friend who knows I love Morels. He's a Mushroom guy. By that I mean he knows about mushrooms like I know about beer. When he starts talking about mushrooms people's eyes glaze as they wait for it to be over. He's generously taken me mushroom hunting twice and we've found only a handful. Rather he found a handful. I can't see them.

I grew up in the woods. I'm comfortable in the woods even now. I never feel lost there but if I had to forage for food in the woods, I'd starve. When Marcus texted me asking if I wanted in on his order of Morels from a cultivator, I didn't ask him why the fuck in all the years I've known him and he's known I love Morels, he's never asked me before, no I said pleaseeeeee!

When these came in I was thrilled. I'd ordered Morels from Grateful Goat winery years ago and they ordered them from Oregon...they said. When they came in, they were flattened but they tasted like heaven to me. Haven't had them since.

Growing up in southern Indiana, I ate Morels as a child. I didn't know them as Morels just mushrooms. Black combs and honey combs they were known with the black being common and the golden colored honey combs most prized. They were just mushrooms. As my uncle's regularly found and brought us a "mess" of mushrooms, I didn't realized their rarity back then.

When I joined the Air Force I sometimes had mushrooms when I came home on leave. I didn't wonder why I never encountered them while living away. By the time I was ready to retire from the AF and move back home, my mind turned to things I could look forward to. Morels were high on the list.

Near the end of my enlistment, we purchased some land back home to build a house on. It had a patch of woods and even a mature pawpaw tree, the Indiana banana. One day, during construction I was watching my daughter, who was nine at the time, and I suggested we hunt for mushrooms near the edge of the woods. She had never seen a Morel as far as I knew so I described them. Almost immediately she said,, "There's one!" To my shock and utter delight, her sharp little eyes spotted 9 Morels. All honeycombs.

At that point, even though my faith in God was under severe duress, I may have attributed this incredible find to devine blessing. If so, that attribution was sorely test soon after. That same day I took those mushrooms to my mamaw's house. My first memory of eating mushrooms was of the mess my uncle Barry brought in to her house when I was really young. Certainly younger than my daughter on this day. She floured and fried those beauties to perfection.

When I brought the mushrooms to her this day and asked her fry them for me she seemed both tickled and unsure. This was 30+ years later and this woman who had bore up over a life harder than I can even imagine while raising seven kids, my mom included, was frail. She said she would. I watched while she fried those mushrooms to cinders. If there was a God, she would burn in hell for that sin. Lol there's not so we can laugh about it now. We'll she can't, she's dead, but she's not in...you know.

Anyway, Marcus delivered these mushrooms and they looked just like the mushrooms my uncles always brought us. They weren't flattened but, they were very dry. I texted Marcus to ask if I needed to soak them in salt water before frying. You know, to get all the bugs to come out. Omg, a dozen text replies later, including pics, I blocked Marcus. No I didn't but - Fuck Me!

Then I did a stupid stupid stupid thing. I googled "how to prepare Morels" and then my eyes glazed over. This ain't how mamaw ever made them. I prepared the first half bag of Morels in a way I'd never experienced before...and will never again. It's how you should prepare mushrooms without their own robust flavor. I could taste onions and garlic and butter but that's about it. I feel embarrassed even admitting it. If Marcus ever asks I WILL lie. Not worried about Hell even a little. Why burden him with my sin.

So this time, after a chaotic morning dealing with a leaky window, I remembered I still had Morels. This time I didn't second guess myself. I sliced them in half, cupping each gently as the sharp knife slit them, I lay them gently in warm salt water. Not to remove worms or sow bugs but to hydrate and soften them. I seasoned a bit of flour with sea salt and black pepper, and because I'm bourgeoisie addicted, a bit of onion powder. I fried them in a little olive oil and mostly butter. Much much better now! I could taste the Morels but I believe the flavor was muted because they were not fresh. I should have left out the onion powder.

Tbh the flavor of a Morel mushroom, when fresh, needs little enhancement. If you're lucky enough to find or God blesses you with Morels, even a leaky window is a small matter.

[homolegs]

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy

Living in a box under the stairs

In the corner of the basement of the house

Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop

You know the place

Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning

My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Aww, big bowl of sauerkraut

Every single morning

It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom

I said "Hey, mom, what's up with all the sauerkraut?"

And my dear, sweet mother

She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train

And she leaned right down next to me

And she said "It's good for you"

And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth

And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut

Until I was twenty six and a half years old

That's when I swore that someday

Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place

Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer

And the towels are oh so fluffy

Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long

And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doo-doo yeah

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came true

Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest

To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt

I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize

That's right, a first class one-way ticket to

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Oh yeah

You know, I'd never been on a real airplane before

And I gotta tell ya, it was really great

Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women

With excruciatingly severe body odor

And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time

The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts

And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore

And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out

And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside

And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died

Except for me

You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Had my tray table up

And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha

Ah ha ha

Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage

I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days

Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag

And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball

And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel

But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn

Where the towels are oh so fluffy

And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna

It's OK, they're clean

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C

And I turned on the SpectraVision

And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow

That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?

I say "Who is it?"

No answer

"Who is it?"

There's no answer

"Who is it?"

They're not sayin' anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected

It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril

Oh man, I hate it when I'm right

So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel

And I'm like "Hey, you can't have that"

"That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me"

And he's like "Tough"

And I'm like "Give it"

And he's like "Make me"

And I'm like "'Kay"

So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus

And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows

And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation

Yes indeed, you better believe it

And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook

And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice

And you know what it said?

I'll tell you what it said

It said

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

"If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again"

"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator"

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel

But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest

I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice

But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donuts shop

And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter

And he says "Yeah, what do ya want?"

I said "You got any glazed donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta glazed donuts"

I said "Well, you got any jelly donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta jelly donuts"

I said "You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?"

He said "No, we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts"

I said "You got any cinnamon rolls?"

He said "No, we're outta cinnamon rolls"

I said "You got any apple fritters?"

He said "No, we're outta apple fritters"

I said "You got any bear claws?"

He said "Wait a minute, I'll go check"

"No, we're outta bear claws"

I said "Well, in that case, in that case, what do you have?"

He says "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels"

I said "OK, I'll take that"

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out

And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over

Oh man, they were just going nuts

They were tearin' me apart

You know, I think it was just about that time

That a little ditty started goin' through my head

I believe it went a little something like this

Doh

Get 'em off me

Get 'em off me

Oh

No, get 'em off, get 'em off

Oh, oh God, oh God

Oh, get 'em off me

Oh, oh God

Ah, aah, aah

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face

Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin', runnin', runnin'

Like a constipated wiener dog

And as luck would have it

That's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams

Her name was Zelda

She was a calligraphy enthusiast

With a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches

I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me

She said "Hey, you've got weasels on your face"

That's when I knew it was true love

We were inseparable after that

Aw, we ate together, we bathed together

We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss

The world was our burrito

So we got married and we bought us a house

And had two beautiful children, Nathaniel and Superfly

Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me

She said "Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?"

I said "Whoa, hold on now, baby"

"I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment"

So we broke up and I never saw her again

But that's just the way things go

In Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Anyway, things really started lookin' up for me

Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream

That's right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler

I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire out with my face

Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that

I was gettin' a lot of attitude

Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot

Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil

When I see this guy Marty

Tryin' to carry a big ol' sofa up the stairs all by himself

So I, I say to him, I say "Hey, you want me to help you with that?"

And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes

"No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw"

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me

He's like "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic"

Well, that's just great

How was I supposed to know that?

I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud

Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, Torso-Boy

So what's he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote

This guy comes up to me on the street

And he tells he hasn't had a bite in three days

Well, I knew what he meant

But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein

And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over

And I'm like "Hey, come on, don't you get it?"

But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming

You know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation

Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?

Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, OK

Anyway I, I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it

But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is

I hate sauerkraut

That's all I'm really tryin' to say

And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up

And find yourself in an existential quandary

Full of loathing and self-doubt

And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence

At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that

Somewhere out there in this crazy ol' mixed-up universe of ours

There's still a little place called

Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said "A" (A)

"L" (L)

"B" (B)

"U" (U)

"Querque" (querque)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Source: LyricFind

I AINT READIN ALLAT 😈🙏

[cosmicgrapevine]

Apropos of the poll on my main blog, here’s my opening 2,500 words, freshly edited:

The whole world was not ten blocks long and eight blocks wide, but sometimes Melanie Kitz forgot that, because her whole world was. Her school, the pizza place she stopped at every other Friday, and the park she frequented when the weather was nice enough made three corners. Everything else she’d done, seen, or been in seventeen years was contained in the fourth corner, a 1,500-square-foot bungalow on Cicero Avenue—just the bedroom, really. And since this Friday was not an every-other-Friday, and the park in late February was a frozen mass of slush and mud, there was only one corner left. The wind chilled as she tried on foot to beat the sunset. She’d stayed late at St. Aggie’s, workshopping her admissions essay with Mrs. Flaherty. This part of Chicago was safer than most, but still—no sense taking chances.

Her friend Tabby teased her for being a stick in the mud, but there was a lot of mud to get stuck in here. The city’s cops, firemen, and other badge-wavers clustered here like moss to a rock, and the retired ones peeked past their curtains all day and poured gossip into the landlines all night. It just wasn’t worth it to pick up a beer bottle or a can of spray paint around here; not only would your parents find out, the 22nd Precinct Office would too. The boxy bungalows and street-front garages and wrought-iron gates left no room for secrets. Tabby had found that out the hard way.

So Melanie didn’t mind playing the yes-ma’am-no-ma’am game at St. Aggie’s, or the nonexistent social scene, or the sinks that hadn’t dispensed warm water since the ‘40s: It was just high school, still a better one than a lot of kids got, and it would be over in a year and a half. Then her real life would begin. Maybe she’d convince Tabby of that before they graduated. Maybe tonight.   Melanie’s mother Janet was pouring de-icing salt on the front walk. “Hi, sweetie!” She called. “Could you give me a hand here? Put something warmer on first, of course.”

“Sure thing, Mom,” Melanie said. Entering through the garage, she stepped into the mudroom and rubbed her bare knees together to warm them up. She smelled the lasagna baking in the oven and grinned. When Tabby came over, Janet always pulled out the stops for dinner, for someone who rarely got them at home. Racing upstairs, she quickly traded her plaid skirt and white blouse for jeans and a school hoodie. She tried not to look at the blank stack of college application forms on her desk; ‘later’ had sounded so much, well, later from the front half of the school year. Now it was the back half, and her to-do list was piling up fast.

Returning to the garage, she grabbed a shovel. “Is Dad gonna be home for dinner?” While everyone at school had either a dad, uncle, or older brother who was tied to the city police, not everyone’s dad was Fred Kitz. He was a detective with an iron backbone and a stainless steel work ethic, both of which kept him swamped with the kinds of cases the rest of CPD wouldn’t bother with. On his many absent evenings, Melanie liked to pretend he was out saving lives somewhere, rather than just agonizing over conflicting witness statements with only single fluorescent bulb and cup of lukewarm coffee for company, but those fantasies wore thinner the more those days piled up.

“I doubt it,” Janet said. “Sorry, hon. How was school?”

“Fine. Mrs. Flaherty wasn’t much help. She kept saying, you know, ‘what are your accomplishments? What are you proud of?’ And, nothing yet. I thought that’s what you go to college for.”

“Oh, something will come along,” Janet said. “What about that public speaking elective? I’m sure Northwestern would love to see that.”

“Sister Louise runs it, so there’s only four speeches to choose from and three of them are about Jesus. I don’t think Northwestern will care.”

Janet smiled indulgently. “Jesus at a Catholic school,” she said. “Who knew?”

The three of them had long since silently agreed that if Melanie took the College Prep part of Saint Agnes’ Catholic College Prep seriously, she could pass on the Catholic part. There was…something, up there, probably, she thought. But it never showed itself and she didn’t need it to. Melanie had her own little corner of the universe under her control more than God had the whole of it under His.

Something by the sewer grate caught her eye, something too brightly colored for a Chicago winter. Crawling through the gap was a little creature, shaped like a slug but with two rows of knobbly little legs. Its skin was a vibrant magenta with splotches of blue and orange. It lifted its ‘head’, sniffing around for something before turning to Melanie. It looked oddly cute, but also a few thousand miles from whatever jungle it crawled out of.

 She lowered her shovel and let the slug crawl onto it. Carrying it over to Janet, she said “Hey Mom, I’ve never seen one of these before. Do you know what it is?”

“Hm. Not sure. Better put it down.”

“I could take it to school; Mr. Bartkowski might know,” she said, referring to the bio teacher. “Maybe it escaped from a zoo or a lab or something.”

“I’m sure whatever it is, it’s just some kind of pest. No need to worry,” Janet said. She gently but firmly took Melanie’s shovel and dumped the slug on the ground. Opening her canister, she covered it with rock salt until nothing was visible. A few ugly popping and squelching noises drifted to their ears, then silence. Janet kicked the salt away to make sure the creature had been reduced to a few colored stains on the pavement. “Let me know if you see any others,” she said.

Melanie raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Her mom usually would rather hold a window open for a spider than squish it. Janet worked more quickly now, haphazardly dumping snow onto their yard (and the neighbors’) and not saying anymore. “Let’s check on dinner,” she said, her smile a bit too bright. “Tabby’ll be here at six, right?”

Janet gave Melanie the task of heating up some soup and keeping an eye on the oven, while she strolled through the house, humming cheerily and locking all the windows. Melanie looked askance at her; it was just a slug. Maybe it was poisonous, with those colors, but it didn’t even have a mouth to bite with; what was so scary about it?

She overheard Janet talking on her bedroom landline, the one that was reserved for terse, late-night transmissions to and from the police station. Cautiously, she crept to the bottom of the stairs. “…just a small one, but you know how it is; one you see, twenty you don’t. Like roaches,” Janet said. “Yes, dear, I’ll check the Wards, but I’d really prefer that you come home early.” Melanie was puzzled. Ward’s, like the store? She waited by the landing for Janet to return. “Is something wrong, Mom?”

“No.”

Melanie nodded. She knew she’d get a ‘no’, but at least it was a calm ‘no’.

“You’d tell me if there was, right?”

The only response that got was the opening and closing of the basement door. Melanie added a pinch of salt to the soup, looking at the bleak gray world outside the locked window.

***

If Tabby’s house was cold and dark when she came home, she wasn’t surprised. It took more—total silence, or a horrible smell—for her to worry, if ‘worry’ was really the right word. But even on Rita’s good days, the TV’s bluish light flicker through the narrow hallway brought to mind the judge’s words, that she would benefit from a ‘more welcoming environment’. If this place was any less welcoming, it would be a morgue. “Mom, I’m home!” She called.

Rita mumbled something from her living room chair. A half-empty bag of potato chips and carton of dip sat on the kitchen table. “That’s all you’ve had, huh,” Tabby said flatly. “Do you want me to make you something?”

“Erghh…” Rita muttered as she woke up. “Tabby-Kat, honey, could you do me a favor? My leg has just been killing me all day, and I didn’t sleep well—”

“Pills. Got it.” Some days, Tabby didn’t have time for the self-pity. But she felt the chill rise in the room. She was too quick this time. Maybe tomorrow she’d be too slow. “Don’t you mock me!” Rita snapped. “God forbid you ever need to rely on someone else; then you’ll see how hard it is!”

Yeah. God forbid. Tabby thought. She shook two oxycontins from the bottle and gave them to Rita. Rita looked at them and scowled. “Three.” She said.

“You can’t get a refill until March 15, remember? You should save them.”

“Three.”

Tabby held back the sigh this time and complied. “I’m going to Melanie’s,” she said. “I’ll be back by eight.”

“Is she having any boys over?”

“No, Mom. Just us two, like the last hundred times.”

“Don’t be snotty with me. Turn around!” Tabby did so. Despite Rita sitting at home watching daytime TV and eating junk food most days, she still insisted on dressing well, if about ten years out of date. If she looked like a respectable housewife, the logic went, maybe one day she’d become one again, and she could go out for coffee with all the cops’ wives to gossip about their unruly daughters. “You think I don’t know you’ve been slutting around with that Davey boy? And God knows who else. So don’t act all offended.”

Damn right I have, bitch. The boys’ school, Bishop Maloney (or ‘Baloney’, as it was universally called), was right across the street from St. Aggie’s, and Tabby was an occasional guest there before or after class. It was the only way to truly hurt her mother, and that was worth a hundred ‘dirty slut’ notes in her locker. Rita could sense her inner rebellion. “You think it’ll be funny to end up like me? A used-up piece of trash? That will happen to you if you keep ignoring me. These boys don’t care about you, I care about you. I’m trying to keep you safe.”

“I know, Mom. I’m gonna get changed and go.”

“None of your belly shirt crap! Wear your uniform.”

“Mom, you threw that shirt away, and anyway it’s twenty degrees out.”

“Wear your damn uniform, Tabitha Katherine! The least you can do is dress decently.”

Lady, I’ve got some bad news for you about what the boys think of these skirts. Tabby thought. But Melanie was used to this, and Tabby had some regular clothes stashed there for such nights. “OK, so 8:00 is good? See you then.” She barged out the door, but not before Rita got in one last “If you don’t respect yourself, no one will!”

The annoying thing about Rita was that Tabby couldn’t even call her a liar. She really had a tough life, one that got even tougher when her brother-in-law went to jail a few years ago, and her (now ex-) husband sided with him. The divorce had been long and nasty, and Tabby’s father Steve, in an attempt to maintain that he was the fitter parent, spilled all the ugly details about Rita’s past as a stripper, and all the unsavory characters she used to associate with. It backfired on him, though, and Rita had gotten custody.

But at that point, it didn’t matter. In their tiny Catholic neighborhood, word spread fast, and soon Tabby had Rita on one side watching her like a prison guard for any signs of ‘making the same mistake’, and the St. Aggie’s girls on the other sneering that she would inevitably end up a whore anyway. Tabby loathed them all, and she loathed Randall for taking mob money in the first place, and loathed her father for turning his back on her. The Kitzes, in fact, were one of the few families that did stand by her, and Melanie’s warm, bright living room was one of the only places should could pretend it was still 1995, her parents were still married, and she was still a real person.

All the homes around her were locked up tight for the night, but she still felt something; someone was watching her. Quickening her pace, she kept heading for Melanie’s. Her eyes darted around corners and into narrow gaps between houses, but saw nothing. When she saw a pair of eyes meeting hers, from ten feet off the ground on the bare branches of a tree, she cried out.

The eyes belonged to a boy, about her age, with messy black hair and wide amber eyes. He was dressed strangely; a thick black wool jacket and matching pants, with a rough, homemade look to them, and some sort of scarf wrapped loosely over his head and around his neck. He looked surprised to be noticed, and hopped down. “I am sorry,” he said. His accent was as unusual as the rest of him; flat and stretched-out, yet with an unpredictable, almost musical bounce to it. Tabby had never heard one like it. “I did not mean to frighten you.”

“Yeah?” Tabby said, circling to keep him visible. “Well, good thing, because there’s about fifty cops one shout away.” He looked beat up and worn down, like he hadn’t seen a bed, shower, or hot meal in weeks. His skin was pale and his eyes were baggy. Great, Tabby thought. Leave one junkie and find another. 

“Cops? That means…law enforcement, right? I am looking for such a man. His name is Fernando Kitz. Are you acquainted with him?”

What the hell? Tabby thought. How does he know Melanie’s dad? Fernando was indeed Mr. Kitz’s real first name, which he never used. But guys like this usually ran from the cops, not to them. “Never heard of him,” she said. “If you follow me, I will scream. Go creep around somewhere else.”

He didn’t get angry; he simply sighed, deflated, and bowed slightly. “I am sorry for accosting you. I will ask another. But you should seek shelter. It is not a good night to be out.”

Tabby’s muscles stayed tense, but he meant what he said. He turned and walked away. Luckily, his was a non-violent kind of crazy. But who on earth didn’t know what ‘cop’ meant? And if he didn’t, why was he looking for one? And what the hell did ‘take shelter’ mean?

She hoped it was nothing serious. She hoped Fred could explain it. She hoped that “not a good night” just meant the weather.