#my mom has a bad back and before that she was the primary caretaker of my autistic brother

[devil-in-hiding]

To those of you sharing and still sending money I want y’all know I have made a little savings thing and it’s all going towards our bills, and it’s so incredibly helpful to be able to send my mom some cash when I know she’s panicking about our shit about to be cut off

[numberonetacostan]

I am SO happy people like luz so much. I created them on 2022 and they have just stuck around ever since and the fact that people appreciate them make me so happy sdgshjdkhgad I love the thought of taco. Wretched horrible taco. Being seen with this kid and completely changing the way she views the world. This child needs her, and she knows it and so she pushes everything else aside to solely focus on them and them only. It makes the others surprised a bit weirded out but also be more willing to help her. That woman is exhausted, and they can see the attempts she does at being brave to her kid. I think she would just be dissociating on the couch or something scratching luz's head as she sleeps on her mama's lap and knife comes by. Taco doesn't really want to interact with him, or really ANYONE that is not mic. But knife is knife and he pushes her a little bit, I feel seeing her with this child just made him more receptive of the idea to lead taco into a better path which she is already unknowinglly doing. I see taco being self-depricating and saying how he shouldn't trust her or whatever and knife just calmly states how much she has changed since she came in, she hasn't tried anything. She is concerned for this kid, and concerned for mic, and really wants to just find some kind of calm. Taco doesn't say anything in return and knife sighs just putting a hand on her shoulder like I cannot say I trust you but I understand what you are going true and hey, just know. Mic really believes in you as much as this child does. So cut yourself some slack okay? before leaving. I also just have this picture inside my mind of tacomic after a long time sleeping together and luz coming in and snuggling right beside the two of them and the next morning soap and knife finds them snuggled together while hugging this kid and its just like a very cute thing to think about.

Hi Kiara!!!^^ Welcome back, and thank you for submitting your ask!!!! :]

Yes!!! Taco changing because of baby child!!!! Mic has already planted the seeds of her changing for the better, but with a little child to take care of? Taco has nothing to gain from associating with Luz other than mutual care and companionship!!! There's no manipulation, no ulterior motives, no game. Just a connection!!! It would be pretty strange for the rest of the cast to see, but so would having Taco around in general lol.

Knife time!!! With his tough-lovey, honest way of helping out!! He definitely does see a different side to Taco here with her taking care of Luz!!! As well as seeing how bad she herself is doing!!! Knife does care about her, even if he doesn't show it as much as he does for others like Mic or Suitcase!!! He sees some of himself in her!!!!!!!!!!!! I think he'd do a lil encouragement-threat sandwich here. Like, she's been doing pretty well not causing trouble so far, yeah? No one here is going to hurt her, even if they don't like her, she doesn't need to be as afraid as she is. And she's got a kid to worry about, yeah? Kids are emotional sponges, if Taco is stressed and scared around the others, Luz is going to pick up on that and feel anxious themself!! Furthermore, Taco needs to watch herself even more than before, and before she still really needed to mind her behavior!!! Because she's got a little kid who looks up to her as their primary caretaker now. If Luz sees Taco shouting or scheming, she's gonna take that as how one should normally act!!! But hey, Luz clearly feels loved, and that's the most important part, yeah? Taco's been doing a pretty good job so far :). [Hopefully that all makes sense!!!!]

Anyways AWWWWWWWWWW tacomic cuddles w/ Luz squeezing themself right in the middle of her two moms!!!!!! Soap would take so many pictures fhrihuei. Knife would tease them both about it afterwards lol.

[yandere-sins]

So I thought I’d give a little life-update as there’s a lot going on at the moment and I think it’s visible on my blog as well. Maybe the positives first:

I do really like my new work, I like that I have set hours (even if I do overtime here and there) and though it got incredible stressful the last few weeks, I think the four people that work in my office space are the coolest in the whole company and I love the support I am getting, it’s something I always wanted for my work-life tbh! My dog is also doing very fine, she’s really a total sweetheart and I wouldn’t know what to do without her, and at least I, myself, am doing pretty okay-ish physically, so nothing to complain there.

Now to the negatives.

Unfortunately, my mom’s cancer returned but is quite hard to pinpoint. She went back to an even more aggressive chemotherapy and we’re hoping for the best. Honestly, I don’t wish cancer on anyone, it’s such a tough battle and even just as the primary caretaker it’s been really hard to deal with for me, luckily I have grandparents and a brother who all deal with it and help and support, so that’s good! My mental health though is suffering. It’s biting my own butt now, but I cancelled therapy to focus on work at the beginning of this year and now my therapist is fully booked, so I will have to sit out this month probably. I am telling that because that’s the reason I am struggling with concentrating on one thing for a long time, which includes writing, which explains the fluctuation of posts you are seeing, since I try to get requests and drafts done on the weekend when there’s less stress. Sadly only works like 30% of the time...

Going forward I have decided to indefinitely pause commissions. I have noticed that they put too much pressure with the deadline and expectancy on me when I am already struggling and sometimes need a day to myself. I can’t say when they’ll come back, but thank you all so much for your interest and support, it’s always a pleasure to write your ideas and I never had a bad experience with commission ♥

Good news for Mermay: it’s still happening! ... buuuut I am shortening the story I came up with. I think I was too ambitious with the three routes I teased, so I am trying to figure out how to ensure that it won’t drag out as much as Atreo’s story last year. Unfortunately, the start will be delayed some more, but we were going to celebrate Mer-June anyway, so at this point it probably doesn’t make as much difference (’:

Because the question arose a few times already, I will not be playing Honkai Star Rail. It has a few reasons, but the main one is I don’t have the time. Sorry to everyone who asked about it, but it’s just not the right time for me at the moment! ): I’ll probably be miserable again later when everyone has moved on to it and I am stuck behind but I have to make cuts somewhere ;;

I actually have some commissions and requests that I haven’t released yet, so I will try to schedule some of these in the meantime while I work out how to go about stuff. If you’ve been around for a while you probably know I like routines that’s why it’s always important for me to build them and keep them up. Other than that, I’ll probably focus on Mermay and my own writing projects which will happen rather irregularly. No guarantees on posting, sadly ):

I do realize tho that it just isn’t always possible to keep up frequency of posts and interactions I had when I started this blog, as much as it saddens me. I have to prioritze my real life before my internet presence (and I really need to not feel guilty about taking breaks from everything ever so often ;;), so if you see me vanishing for a few days, it’s just that really.

Thank you everyone who stuck around and supports this blog ♥ There’s another big milestone coming up veeery soon and I am always in awe that so many people would stay to read my silly little stories!! If you have some time and don’t mind waiting for a response, I’m always happy to chat and answer questions, so please don’t hesitate to hit me up!

Thanks everyone ♥

[missrenge]

Bit of personal rambling. Putting it under a "Read More" as I talk about my physical and mental health-

For as long as I can remember, I've struggled with mental health. Depression, anxiety, the whole nine yards. I've been on and off medications. I've done (and am currently doing) talk therapy and seen various doctors over the years. Only recently did I find out I was on the autism spectrum (level one).

The last few weeks and months though have been especially bad. I don't know if it's because I'm starting to go through menopause (which brings its own issues) or if it's because of stress from work or if it's something else entirely. I'm sure all of these things have at least a small part in what I've been going through. I do know that these last few weeks I've been the lowest I've been in some time.

Last week I took a few days off from work and went to see my primary physician. I've been seeing this particular doctor for close to 30 years, starting when I was in high school. He's seen me at my absolute lowest and he's helped me immensely over the years. I talked to him of my struggles and how since coming off the Paxil/Deplin combo I was on, I wasn't doing the best. We agreed that I probably need something different and that I would try Lexapro. According to my doctor, the majority of people responded well to it even at a very low dose. I would start on the lowest dose and we'd meet again in 6 weeks.

I didn't make it over a week before my depressive thoughts came back but this time SO MUCH WORSE. I haven't had thoughts like these in ages. I was considering hurting myself again. Something I haven't done in years. I was having thoughts of running my car off the road, either into a tree or a ditch. I hurt mentally so much and I wanted to stop the pain. I couldn't stop crying and I would cry myself to exhaustion before sleeping, waking, and doing it all over again. It scared me.

I reached out to my GP, my therapist, and my boss and came up with a game plan. I've taken this last week off of work and I'll be seeing my GP on Monday. I'm coming off the Lexapro by taking half doses and will eventually stop. I'm resting, both mentally and physically.

Work seems to be my one major stressor. In not thinking about it, in not caring about it, it feels like a major weight has been lifted. I have my phone on Do Not Disturb so if anyone tries to call it goes straight to voicemail. I have notifications turned to silent so I don't hear it if I get a text or other message. I still check my phone but I'm not attached to it.

Part of me wonders what would happen if I decided to leave my current job. Not to the place itself, it'll continue on whether or not I'm there. Someone will be found to take my place eventually. No, I wonder what will happen to me. I have enough saved that I could coast for a while. I live with my parents so I don't have to worry about rent and with my car paid off and very little in credit card debt, I would be okay. I could become the full-time caretaker of the house, something my sister and I already share responsibility for as our parents are both in their 70's. It wouldn't be too difficult as they're both still fairly independent. With someone around every day, I feel like it would be easier when it comes to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, and other general chores. Things like these could be spread out through the week instead of trying to cram every appointment into one day like we do currently.

Tomorrow is Sunday and is my sister's day off (and mine too technically). I think she and I will have a sit down discussion. I see my GP on Monday and I'll be talking to him too.

I think I need someone outside of myself to give me permission to leave my stressful job. I need someone else to tell me I'm going to be okay.

On top of all these mental issues, I've likely started going through menopause. Not surprising since I'm 47. Mom was this age when she went through The Change. My periods have been quite regular up until this last year when things started to go sideways. I brought my issues up to my GP at my visit 2 weeks ago and he wanted me to come in to do bloodwork to check my hormone levels. I scheduled myself to come in right before my period was scheduled to start, which was to be this Monday. To my utter surprise and dismay, I started my period today (Saturday), almost a full week early. This is yet one more thing to discuss with my GP when I see him.

I'm trying to keep a positive outlook and tell myself that whatever I decide to do, it will all work out. Will it be a struggle? Of course it will.

[nathank77]

10/24/24

3:22 p.m Added to bc I'm Ranting at 4 p.m

I really hate my mother's social worker. She comes in, and she knows all about my ocd and I can't touch the dog. And all that. And she gives me this look like I'm the shit on her sneakers.

Like you're perfectly able bodied just get over your shit and cope with your ocd and let your mother keep the dog and be the primary care taker. Bitch I tried to be the primary caretaker of Riley. I tried so fucking hard, I had panic attacks. My ocd got so much worse. My anxiety is through the roof and my autoimmune disorder reactivated!! I was so stressed I almost went full blown hyper after getting blood drawn for months and having normal levels and the only change was the fucking dog stressing me out bc I can't cope with my Contamination ocd.

I had to stop taking care of her so I don't have my eyes legit pop out of my head due to graves eye disease. So that I don't go full blown hyper. My fucking heart rate is still almost 100 and over sometimes despite the beta blocker bc it could take me months to go back to fully normal. And that's if I'm lucky and I don't push to full blown hyper.

The first time she was here, I forgot what she said to me but she was downplaying my ocd, oh why can't he do that? Why can't he touch that?

And this time, she said, "why can't you touch the dog? Bc of your anxiety?" And I said, "yup, I have ocd." And she said, "well my daughters friend is on medication that take all her intrusive thoughts away maybe you can try that, they help people." And I said, "umm nope, antidepressants are like throwing darts at a peg board, I have a master degree in neuroscience and I studied them and I'm never going to take one bc of what I've learned about them on a molecular level. I respect anyone who choses to take them but they aren't for me." Then she said, "well my daughters friends is a teacher and leads a fulfilling great life and she used to have such bad intrusive thoughts." And I said, "I'm glad they work for her but I'm not interested, as I said before they are like darts on a peg board, we don't fully understand the brain and I'm not willing to take them." She then said, "I guess we will have to agree to disagree." Ummm yea bitch.

Antidepressants aren't a Bandaid despite the psycho pharmaceutical industry prescribing them like Bandaids to almost every person with a mental illness. It's too bad benzodiazepines have tolerance issues as yea popping a valium if I'm afraid of something I touched would for a while make all my worries go away. They act on gaba. They increase gaba which makes you calm down.

Antidepressants work on serotonin and norepinephrine.... not gaba. And anxiety disorders are not depression. I hate how antidepressants are a Bandaid for psychology. I fucking hate it.

Anxiety and depression are fundamentally different on a molecular level. I get why they don't give people with ocd or anxiety disorders benzodiazepines for regular use bc of tolerance and lethality..... but antidepressants do not work on the same receptors. It doesn't make sense to take an antidepressants if you arent depressed.

Anyways after while I was cooking using my sleeves to exist, the lady said to my mom, "why doesn't he just wear gloves?" She said something about my thyriod and how I was already doing that but my anxiety was too high.

Even if I decided my graves disease wasn't important enough to put me first, THE DOG WILL NEVER BE HAPPY HERE. WE CANNOT TAKE HER TO THE VET. SHE HAS EATEN SO MANY THINGS THAT SHE COULD DIE FROM AND WE CANT DO ANYTHING.

My health is important. And even if I didn't have ocd and graves disease that got exacerbated from my Contamination ocd and the dog, I wouldn't help, why?

THE SWEET ADORABLE DOG DESERVES A BETTER HOME. SHE DESERVES A YARD. SHE DESERVES SOMEONE WHO CAN PET HER WITHOUT GLOVES. SHE DESERVES TO GO TO THE VET. SHE DESERVES ALL THE THINGS WE CANT GIVE HER.

The saddest thing is, she looks at me and then looks at my hands to see if my gloves are on and if they are her tail wags. She deserves better than that bc I don't always pet her when they are on bc I can't.

Either way her social worker clearly sees a able bodied lazy pos who should just put a Bandaid on a 12 inch open wound and pretend it fixed the problem..

I can't wait until she stops coming. You have no idea if you saw how she looks at me. I'm fucking scum to her.

She has no concept of how crippling ocd is. There is a reason ocd is on the state disability list. Trust me my brain is always on alert looking for something that might kill or harm me trying to protect me.

People don't understand. Ocd is fucking crippling. And antidepressants do not work on the right molecular pathways inwhich are corrupted or abnormal in ocd and anxiety disorders.

Antidepressants should only be percribed for DEPRESSION.

Also think antipsychotics and the dopamine theory of schizophrenia. It is the most supported hypothesis of schizophrenia. Yet there are other neurotransmitters at play. Gaba, glutemate, etc. You give someone like me who hallucinates an antipsychotics and the voice and hallucinations do not go away!!! Why??? Bc even more specialized medications such as antipsychotics are a darts on a peg board. We do not understand the brain. We don't understand schizophrenia. We don't understand any of it. All of the brain is fucked up and targeting one neurotransmitter or a few when you hardly understand how the brain works isn't always going to help. Antipsychotics are a prime example of that!! They are more specialized and given for a specific reason. The side effect profile is disgusting...... but antidepressants are a Bandaid for the entire psycho pharmaceutical industry.

Benzodiazepines are also like throwing darts at a peg board but they actually have medical uses that they are profoundly effective for. For example, Insomnia. They fucking work. Let's get even more into it, seizures, muscle cramps and spasms. Benzodiazepines work for that too. But then again there is TOLERANCE.

Like Adderall we over diagnosis kids with ADHD for acting like kids and the psycho pharmaceutical industry makes billions off of Adderall and Ritalin prescriptions bc every year every kid who acts like a kid if their parents can't cope with the hyperactivity due to being forced to sit in a chair for 8 hours a day at school the easiest thing to do is give them Adderall. Then they sit and focus and we change their brain chemistry forever and beyond that adhd isn't fucking real not in kids. Diagnosis should only happen in 18 plus... if you are hyper and fucking can't focus at 18 then maybe you have bipolar. But let's call it adhd. I don't believe in it.

Adderall is a dart at a peg board too. Not all meds are.... antibiotics for an example. We understand this virus can be eradicated with this pill if you take it for 7 days twice a day.

Not all meds are bandaids or fucking darts at peg boards... but I hate to say it we do not understand the brain. We are "medicating" something we hardly understand.

Also here is Riley eating a wire when she was in the crate.... this is why even if I didn't have Graves and ocd... I wouldn't lift a finger. I want her in a SAFE HOUSE. We can't take her to the vet.... she got this when I wasn't watching her. So fuck off social worker. Even if I wasn't ill, I'm not helping my mother keep this poor innocent dog, this is not a safe environment for her!

[phinphang000]

Heres my Tim headcanons that I only use in personal roleplays but. Meh

1. He was heavily neglected by his parents. It's a common hc but I flesh it out a bit with the why. Hes an unplanned pregnancy. Kinda a scandle. On top of that, Janet Drake wanted a girl so bad that she straight up guilted Tim into becoming the daughter she never had. Tim would say he agreed to all of it to make her happy and love him. And she loved him in her own fucked up way before she died. It fucked him up. His dad on the other hand got worse after Janet died. Hes more verbally abusive. He thinks Tim is disgusting. Tim struggles to realize he doesn't need his fathers approval and he can love his mom and miss her, but acknowledge what she did to him was horrible.

2. Siblings traumatize each other. I swear each batchild has bad memories with alllll their siblings. But they love each other. What I usually do in Rps is have Damian, yes, be mean to Tim, but he's mean to everyone, but gradually the more he learns about Tim the more he respects him. And he apologizes at some point. I wouldn't say it traumatizes Tim but it does hurt his self confidence and he works through that

3. No idea what this is about but it sounds fun lol. Not my cup of tea tho. Dick is a good man. He loves Tim. In my perfect world at least. To each their own.

4. Hard agree. He's scary ❤ love him for that

5. He is so a camera baby boy but like... In a creepy way. He's a creep. He's a stalker. He's like if a cryptid monster made a hobby of watching other cryptid monsters. Look just imagine Tim in a Red Room. What a scene man. Think of the music playing over this as he develops pictures, eyes dark and analytic. Hehehehe

6. To be fair... The Titans tower incident. But also to be fair. The writers of Jason Todd hate Jason Todd. Look I think we all agree we want Jason's story to be handled a bit differently especially during his back from the dead arc? The Pit Madness is one of fanons greatest inventions and theres so much to explore through that. Making Jason so angry he hurts people he should want to protect! UHG THE EMOTION THE CONFLICT THERES SO MUCH POTENTIAL! Heres my personal favorite. Red Hood beats the shit out of Tim while pit mad but when he comes out of the green he freaks out... But Tim up in seeing its Jason, completely disregards his injuries and is just like omg hi 🥺

7. Brothers take care of each otherrrrrr Jason is entitles to shake some sence into little bird! Big. Brothers. Are. Little. Brothers. Caretakers. Mentors. Allies. Unless you mean primary caretaker? Unsure. To each their own on that one. I like having them be a chaos duo

8. He is a bi TWUNK! He has abs. He can do chin ups. He is a queer dood. I haven't seen much twinkifying or bi erasure. Pretty sure most the time it's just people using gay as a catch all term. Is that bad? Idk. Twunks rise up

9. But it's classic 😭 give me raccoon eyed Tim at 5am punching black coffees cause he has to finish the case report TONIGHT. He comes off as the kinda guy who can hack NASA but forgets to bath 7 days in a row

10. Seen a few of these fics. I'm sure if it can be written well I'd be fine but not my cup of tea. I like the bat family caring about Tim but not knowing how bad his bad habits get till he has a breakdown or something and they go into bat family overdrive priority restore tims sanity

Sorry for any typos 😔

Can someone please tell Tim stand that most of their shitty head cannons of uwu Timmy will never be cannon and that they should stop forcing trauma on a perfectly decent charecter cus deadass the twinkifacation of Tim is what made me hate him.

No he was not abused by his parents

No he is not traumatised by damian

No dick did not put him in Arkham

No he is so the strongest batfamily member

No he is not a camera baby boy

No Jason is not his abuser

No Jason is not his caretaker

No he is not a gay twink

No he is not a coffee addict with no safety concerns.

And no the batfam did not neglect him and make him suicidal

[echodrops]

I’m obviously late to the tumble party... but I stumbled across your Notagami Essays posts and they are absolutely Fabulous! Love your writing and the amount of detail you go into :)

So I figured you may be a good person to ask - if you just had to guess (bc as far as I know it’s never been officially confirmed?) but if you had to take a guess or give a rough estimate, how old do you think Yato was when he first met Sakura? We know he’s estimated to be at least a thousand years old, we know he’s - from the start of the series to present - estimated to be somewhere between 18 and his early 20s (physically)... but I can’t find a single thing/discussion/post/stickynote/whatever where it talks about how old he might have been when he first met Sakura - let alone the emotional/psychological effects of Sakura coming into his life and introducing healthy mindset/morals/maternal-influence etc. etc. (obviously no mom and Father’s neglect played a big role in him not knowing how inappropriate it was for him to ‘accidentally touch’ and yell “boobs!” but you can also just say he was so young he didn’t know how inappropriate that was?) My point is: how old do you think Yato was (physically anyway) at the time of their meeting? and Do you know of any discussions or care to share your opinion on how being the no more than the age of blank affected his mental/emotional understanding of Sakura teaching him a new narrative?

Sorry this is a random out of the blue ask 😅😓 if I rambled on and you don’t feel like answering, I get it, just figured it was worth asking :)

I fell down a serious rabbit hole trying to see if I could figure out the answer to this question about Yato’s age but unfortunately I’m mostly coming up empty-handed.

The answer to this question actually depends on two different pieces of information which--as far as I can remember--we’ve never actually been given for certain.

1) We would need to know when Yato was actually born.

The manga has kind of hinted at a total (not physical) age for Yato in the flashbacks which showed him as a young child during the Heian era (putting him somewhere in the vicinity of a little over 1000 years old) and Father not making masks before ~1100 years ago, but the problem is we still don’t know how many years might have passed between this scene (the youngest we’ve ever seen Yato):

And the next flashback scene, where Yato meets Nora:

If gods age normally when they are children, these two scenes might be only a handful of years apart. But if gods don’t age normally, then these two scenes could be decades or centuries apart, which leads to the other missing piece of information (under the read more to save people’s dashes):

2) We would need to know the aging process for gods who are just born/reincarnate.

Up to this point in the manga, we’ve only seen two gods reincarnate--Ebisu (who reincarnated too recently to really help answer this question) and Takemikazuchi. The implication of Takemikazuchi’s backstory is that his shinki forced him to reincarnate and then hid his reincarnation from all of Heaven. The only way they could have kept other gods from noticing that Takemikazuchi had reincarnated would have been by not allowing him to go out at all until he had grown enough to match his previous reincarnation in appearance. This seems to suggest that gods probably do age normally when they are children--hiding Takemikazuchi away for ~20 years seems a lot more likely than being able to hide him away for centuries, after all... (I also feel like I have very vague recollection of some scene in the manga where someone comments on Takemikazuchi not having been around for a “few years,” but it’s been so long since I reread I can’t recall if this is a real moment from the manga or just me misremembering.) 

Overall, however, based on what we’ve seen in the manga, my guess would be that when they’re young, after just being born or being reincarnated, gods age pretty normally. This would suggest that, for the first few years at least, the physical and mental ages of reincarnated/newly born gods actually overlap; baby Ebisu acts like a little kid because he is, in fact, both mentally and physically a little kid.

That would mean that, for all intents and purposes, Yato’s physical and mental ages lined up when he was young and meeting Sakura, and he acted like a little kid because he really was just a little kid, god or not.

(Detour for a second though: 

This line always struck me as interesting in that it might, just might, give us a more specific timeframe for Yato’s “birth”: although the constellations, of course, are visible in the sky every single year, this particular combination of concepts (kanoto-tori, yin metal rooster) is known much more commonly as one of the sixty years on the cyclical Chinese calendar, also used in Japan. Counting back on the calendar, 961 A.D. was a yin metal rooster year and would align just about right for what we know about the timeframe in which Yato later met Sakura (~970ish). Just referencing constellations doesn’t mean Adachitoka was pointing to a specific year, but it might have been another hint as to the timeframe of the flashbacks.

Okay, detour over.)

Anyway, without 100% confirmation on either of those pieces of information--when Yato was born and whether gods age at the same rate as humans after reincarnating--I don’t think it’s really possible to pin down Yato’s “real” age (physically or mentally) at the time he met Sakura. We mostly just have to estimate. 

Personally, based on his size and behavior at the time, I’d put him somewhere between seven and maybe up to ten, but the way Adachitoka draws characters kind of makes it impossible to judge their ages by appearance; Yato is about the same size as Nora when he meets Sakura, implying that he and Nora were around the same physical “age” at that time; meanwhile, Nora is later portrayed as being roughly the same age as Yukine, suggesting she was maybe 12-13ish years old when she died. So, despite being drawn tiny, it’s possible Yato was meant to be anywhere from a little kiddo (6-7) to all the way up to Nora’s age by the time he met Sakura.

But all that said, I think what you were really asking about was more the mental state Yato would have been in when he met Sakura and how his young age would have impacted his ability to change his world views, right? The answer to that is... complicated and could be approached a lot of ways. Coming from a background of working with and educating social work students, there are several common psychological theories of child development that might apply here, for example. 

I’d recommend checking out Erik Erikson’s psychosocial stages of development, though. 

(Pulled from here.)

I don’t have time to explain the entire theory with the complexity it might deserve, but the basic idea is that, as children develop, they experience a series of crises or challenges that they must overcome. Successfully overcoming each challenge results in successful psychological and social development; failing to overcome a challenge in childhood will result in long-term negative impacts later in the child’s life. (There are plenty critiques of this theory too, so don’t take this as gospel or anything--just a theory worth thinking about!)  

Given Father’s lack of interest in teaching Yato basic concepts of humanity, I would put Yato at approximately the “Initiative vs. Guilt” stage when he met Sakura. At this level of Erikson’s theory, children struggle with asserting themselves and developing a healthy sense of how their personal desires might conflict with the expectations and rules set out by others. In this stage, giving a child positive feedback for their actions teaches the child that those actions are “right,” while giving negative feedback teaching the child that their actions are wrong. In order to overcome this particular challenge, children need to begin taking initiative and aligning their actions with social standards; the child acts, and the parental figure reacts--through this process, children learn “I can do X thing but I cannot do Y thing.” 

When you hear things like “Children are cruel,” most often what people are referring to is that it takes time for children to learn empathy and to experience guilt when they cause harm to others; children do not natively understand the repercussions of their actions. It’s only through a process of testing the boundaries, of receiving praise or punishment, that children define what is “right” versus “wrong,” and begin to feel bad when they do something deemed wrong.

And this is pretty much word-for-word what we see Sakura teaching Yato.

If they have healthy role models and caretakers during this phase, children develop successfully. Successful children in this phase get their first taste of personal responsibility; unsuccessful children are (supposedly) plagued for years afterward by a sense of guilt and shame when their actions produce disapproval from everyone around them.

Yato... doesn’t exactly make it through this development stage unscathed, because he receives conflicting definitions of right and wrong from his Father an Sakura:

Which ultimately results in, years later, the Yato we know and love who still does his Father’s bidding to kill humans even though it fills him with a horrific sense of guilt:

Through his time with Sakura, I think it could also be argued that Yato moves into the next stage of Erikson’s theory as well, getting into the “Industry versus Inferiority” crises. 

Meeting Sakura brings out Yato’s true, deep down desire as a god: to help people. (I think it’s important to note that this isn’t something Sakura teaches him--it’s a quality Yato already possessed; it was explicitly Yato’s desire to please people that led to him murdering in his father’s name.)

Once he learns what makes people happy, Yato immediately pursues that with intense focus:

The primary goal of this phase of psychosocial development is to experience a sense of confidence in one’s actions. When children practice their skills, pursue areas where they are praised, and gain new skills and aptitudes through mentoring from healthy role models, they gain confidence in their ability to excel, to fit in with peers their age, and to create meaningful things. By encouraging Yato to pursue positive behaviors--playing peacefully with other children, appreciating natural beauty, and creating useful things like boots for the needy--Sakura moved Yato toward successfully completing this phase and developing a sense of confidence in his actions and his ability to achieve positive things in the world. 

Of course, Father cannot have that (because confident children with a sense of self-worth are much more difficult to abuse), so he puts an immediate end to Sakura’s influence over Yato in the most insidious way possible: although he clearly manipulated the situation to achieve Sakura’s death, out loud, he blames Yato, implying that Sakura’s death was all Yato’s fault, the results of Yato taking unwanted action “industry” and yet failing--creating a sense of “inferiority” instead.

This, of course, haunts Yato all the way to the present, as he--again and again and again--blames himself for things outside his control or failing to live up to expectations that no one in his situation (still being manipulated) could possibly hope to get “right.” 

Finally, you could say that Sakura’s presence is Yato’s life is ultimately what sows the seeds of the manga’s main plot up to this point, with Yato’s quest to create an entirely new identity for himself as a god of fortune instead of a god of calamity. Personally, I would say that Yato is currently still in this phase of development, still working out how to define himself and who he will ultimately become once he is finally free to decide on his own path in life. It was Sakura’s gentle influence--his desire to become the kind of god who could make her smile--that eventually sparked his conflict and finally led Yato to the brink of catastrophe. If he wishes to become the god Sakura told him he could be, he can no longer suffer his father to live.

So, long story longer, I think it can be argued that Yato meeting Sakura at such a young age is EXACTLY what made it possible for him to change, and exactly what has led to his crisis in identifying himself and redefining his sense of right and wrong. 

Uhhhh... I hope that answers your question!

[regular-lord-reckoner]

i apologize in advance because this is probably going to be a lot but i just need to get some stuff out of my brain and hopefully be able to feel a little more at peace

so...okay, to start with we got a new dog today

should be a great thing, right? but i just...i really don’t think it’s a good idea

for one thing, it’s a very young pup, he’s only 7 weeks old. for another (and this is the biggest point) i had no idea this was even happening until it was already a done deal, i got no say in the matter

and i keep being told well, that’s not a problem because it’s not like i have to take care of him but like...of course i am. how would i fucking not?

my mom works a lot and spend a good portion of the week at work and even though i’m here most of the time i‘m usually upstairs

the primary caretaker of this dog is supposed to be my father but like...so seriously how is that going to go when the man spends a good portion of the day sleeping? who’s supposed to be letting this dog go outside to go to the bathroom or making sure he’s not into something?

and like, i don’t mean to be indelicate by any means, but my dad’s old. he’s not going to suddenly get better at this point in his life, in fact it’s only going to get worse from here and i feel like it’s already started

not too long ago he completely burned a pot and nearly burned down the kitchen because he forgot he was making beans on the stove top

any more it seems like if he starts a load of laundry he just...forgets it and i have to come behind him and stick them in the dryer or sometimes just rewash them altogether because they’ve started to smell sour

there’s just a lot of stuff like that where you can tell he started doing something but went to go check on something else or just wandered off and forgot about it completely

i’m genuinely worried about his memory starting to go and we think...giving him a living creature that depends on him for survival was a good idea? i’m sorry, i just don’t see it and that means i’ll have to pick up the slack and like. okay, i’ll do it for this poor little dog that also had no say in this but needs someone to take care of him but jesus fucking christ i just wish someone had bothered to run this by me first so i could at least mentally prepare for this

mind you too i’m already taking care of two cats that also aren’t mine and were brought here without me knowing anything about it and that was also a “well, it’s not your responsibility so don’t worry about it” kind of thing and well...here we are.

and i’m already trying to help out around here more as it is because like, no shit, i appreciate getting to stay here i really do so i don’t mind but honestly a lot of what i end up doing isn’t even my own stuff, y’know?

i’m taking care of myself but i’m also trying to go behind two other people and keep things clean and make things easier for everyone else and i don’t even get a courtesy like, “hey, big new responsibility dropping, get ready for it”? i dunno

and i’ve expressed all of this and just nothing. nobody gives a shit.

and so like okay, fine fair enough you know i’d been feeling anyway like i’m really ready to just...have my own place. again, i appreciate getting to stay here and genuinely have no fucking idea how i’d afford to live on my own but i’m starting to think i just need to bite the bullet and either get a second job or see about some other potential ways to make money

the only thing about that is...there’s a big part of me that’s like, “what’s the point? how long do you think you’ll get to even have your own life anyway?”

because again like...my dad’s old. his health, although not as bad as it has been in the past couple of years is still not going to do a miraculous turn around and like...especially if his mind is starting to go what are my options, realistically?

i go off and start my own life and will just have to give it up to come back here to help take care of him

and i know you’re probably thinking, “well no, you don’t have to do that,” but don’t i?

i’m just going to make my mom deal with that all by herself? there’s no other kids but me who will help. other family might but it’s not really fair to put that on them either and on top of that because we really hit the jackpot with relatives i can’t even begin to tell you how many vultures are going to come out of the woodworks when they get even a hint that things are going bad (hell, that already started when he was going through cancer treatments during this pandemic no less and family were messaging him wanting to know if they could come and visit like...absolutely not, what the fuck are you thinking??)

and i love my mom but she doesn’t take the greatest care of herself and i don’t really want to get into it but she’s definitely started to worry me with her drinking lately.

i feel like i can’t leave here. i feel like everything will fall apart if i do and that when shit really does hit the fan i need to be here so...why bother to leave?

i want to, but can i?

i don’t feel like my life is even mine at this point 

they’re not bad people, i can’t justify doing my own thing and telling them to kick rocks, especially after all they’ve done for me but at the same time i just don’t want to be stuck here forever

i just feel really, really trapped

and i know when people say that everyone gets nervous because uh-oh, that’s suicide talk!! but that’s the fucked thing too is that’s part of what feels especially suffocating

that’s not an option for me. not unless i want to hurt them as badly as possible and i don’t.

and you’d think it’s be maybe a relief to not have that as an option anymore, that oughta steer things in a more positive direction just naturally but instead it just kind of feels like someone’s trapped me in a room that’s slowly filling with water and there are no exit doors or vents or any possible means of escape so i just have to either sit here and slowly wait to drown or do what feels impossible and find some way to make all the water leave and build a better room

and obviously i should be talking about all of this with y’know, an actual therapist but that’s still proving really difficult at the moment

i made a new list of potential ones i just haven’t been able to reach out to any just yet and it definitely doesn’t help that every time i start to gear up to do it it seems like i get online and see a bunch of posts that are like, “honestly, therapy is a scam and not at all worth it and you’re stupid if you think it actually helps anyone, it’s likely to just traumatize you more and you can never trust a therapist!!” and i’m just like oh, okay then

because that’s the thing of it too like i need to talk to somebody, right? but clearly the shit i need to talk about is heavy and despite my trapped predicament like...i need to talk about these dark thoughts but is that going to get me hospitalized? is that going to fuck up my life even more?

and on top that, yeah dude, already having trust issues and being damn near incapable of letting new people into my life at all already doesn’t bode well in trying to find a person i can talk to about with all of this shit but i love the constant reminder that even getting to that point is likely going to be painful and could possibly just make shit that much worse!!!

i also just can’t stop thinking about the one therapist i did reach out to and that interaction alone has made me feel shitty enough. initially i tried to just take it in stride and figured it just wasn’t a good fit but now i’m convinced that’s how it’s going to go when i reach out to anyone else.

i’ll be made to feel like i’m stupid for needing someone to talk to because according to her “my clients have friends if they just want someone to talk to, y’know?” hahahaha no, i don’t but sure, go on!

like ma’am, no disrespect, i’m sure your methods work for someone, somewhere but i don’t think getting more sleep and walking more is going to fix the problem and on that subject...i don’t have friends

i have a friend and that’s about it

when i say i have trouble letting people into my life i really mean it

and yeah, maybe i’m just being a big baby about it all and i just need to like...try to make that happen anyway but i’m also at this point where it’s like...how?

actually how?

at my age?? finding friends??

on top of that just...i’ve been through my share of toxic friendships and although i’d like to think i’ve learned a lot since then and would hopefully never find myself in any again you never really know until you get into it, right? and just the thought of it, of putting myself out there, opening up, being vulnerable and just...letting people into my life only to possibly go through more shit it just sounds exhausting and terrifying.

i know it’s what i need to do, i know i can’t just close myself off from the world and essentially cease to exist while still being here but it just feels so fucking overwhelming and then on top of that like i said before, is there even a point?

because it kind of seems like i’m going to be needed here indefinitely and so is that just my life then? i’m just a loser who never leaves her hometown, never moves out, never has a life of her own or expands her circle to include more people because she just has to stay here and watch over things and take care of everyone and all the added responsibilities they keep bringing into this house without even running it by me first?

it feels like it and maybe it doesn’t have to be but it feels like it

and it just feels really, really suffocating 

and hopeless

and maybe it’s not really, maybe i’m missing something here but i feel like i can see down the road for many, many miles and it doesn’t look promising

and i feel selfish and horrible for even saying all of this because it sounds like i’m just pissed off i have to take care of things and it’s really not that

i genuinely don’t mind helping out and maintaining a space and i don’t even really mind cleaning all that much, it can be a good stress relief i’ve found but it’s just this overwhelming feeling i have of like...this is my life. this is all it’s ever going to be.

i’m going to sit here and watch everyone else go on and live their lives, have lots of friends and romance and really just experience life and i’m just going to be sitting here left in the dust at home chasing after pets and trying to keep everything from falling apart until the bottom does inevitably fall out so i can be here to pick up the pieces just like i did last time

and i mean if that’s the case then i’ll make peace with it, i just wish it could be different i guess. if nothing else, i wish i didn’t have this urge to change things or to have a different life because it just doesn’t feel possible right now. feels very much like if i step away even for a second that everything’s going to go wrong and i’ll be partially to blame because if i had been here maybe things would be different

then again, the last time something tragic happened and i lost someone i loved very much i was here and it didn’t make a damn difference so maybe my presence isn’t as important as i think but i guess that’s part of it too like...that happened on my watch and if something else bad happens when i’m not here... i’m barely living with the first shit, i don’t know if i could handle the second

idk. this is really stupid i think but it’s been in my head for a while now and with this new dog thing i’m just kind of at my breaking point with it so here you go, void.

hopefully i’ll be able to talk myself into getting a therapist anyway even though i’m scared to death because i know i shouldn’t be putting this here but right now i just feel incredibly stuck and i’m not sure what to do or where to go

[wisteria-lodge]

Character Analysis: Sorting The Old Guard

@sortinghatchats has a brilliant personality/character analysis system based on the four Hogwarts houses. At this point it’s become much more interesting and nuanced, which is part of why I’m moving away from using the names of the houses.

Here’s how it works. Everyone gets two houses – a Primary House and a Secondary House

YOUR PRIMARY IS YOUR MOTIVE. IT’S WHY YOU DO THINGS.

LION Primary’s sense of morality and ethics comes from inside. Things just feel right or they feel wrong.

BIRD Primary gets their morality and ethics from the world outside them. They decide what they think is right.

BADGER Primary is focused on the good of the group. Who cares if something is technically “moral” if people are getting hurt?

SNAKE Primary is a lot like Badger, but instead of protecting the group, their highest law is the well-being of the individual people they love.

YOUR SECONDARY IS YOUR METHOD. IT’S HOW YOU DO THINGS.

LION Secondary gets their power from being direct, honest, completely themselves. Their “plan” is just keep going until someone stops them. If they see a locked door, they kick it in.

BIRD Secondary collects tools and skills. They build things, find things, learn things. If they see a locked door, they go through their box of keys until they find the right one.

BADGER Secondary is fair, hardworking, and shows up. They’re good at getting people to trust them, and good at getting people to help them. If they see a locked door, they knock.

SNAKE Secondary knows the right mask to wear for each situation. They’re adaptive. They go in the back way. They find the third option.  They’re the ones who know how to pick the locks.

And now let’s talk about The Old Guard. Also, SPOILERS.

***

Nile Freeman is a bright Badger primary, defined by her groups. “I’ve got people who love me,” is the first thing she tells the team. And follows that up with, “I’m a Marine.” We meet her in uniform, part of a squad. Getting back to her family is her main motivation. (And it’s a “my family” thing - not a “my mom” or “my brother” thing.) Family continuity and family history mean everything to Nile, and that’s so Badger. Religion is also used as visual shorthand for “Badger” a lot, and Nile’s got her cross necklace. And she doesn’t want to kill people. Doesn’t matter if they’re the bad people who killed her, they’re still people. Badgers can’t ignore that.

Nile’s challenge is figuring out a way to separate from her family (and become an immortal commando) while still keeping her healthy, shining Badger intact. And she does it by expanding. It’s not just about protecting America and her family anymore. She looks at the wall outlining all the good the Old Guard has done, and her community expands to include them, and all of humanity.

She’s definitely got a Lion secondary. Yes, she’s willing to run into the villain’s stronghold with a bag of guns and not much plan - but this is an action movie, that stuff is kinda a given. I’m thinking more about when she has to lie and say her miraculous healing factor is an experimental skin graft – she hates doing it, she’s so bad at it, you can see her skin crawl. Nile is powerful when she is able to just lay out what she believes. People like Agent Copley and the Afghani women just feel the honesty and conviction bleeding off her, and come around to her way of thinking. 

Nile also has a Bird secondary model. Smashing down walls isn’t appropriate all the time, so a lot of Lion secondaries learn to use one of the mellower secondaries as backup. Nile’s Bird is subtle, but it’s there. She applies her anti-militant training to the situation, and thinks they should “follow the money.” She can identify a Rodin sculpture across a dark cave. And she spends a while trying to reason away the fact that she’s immortal (considering hypnosis, drug trips, all that fun stuff.)

Andromache the Scythian aka “Andy” is also a Badger primary. But a very old, very tired, very burnt one. She’s been protecting humanity for about ten thousand years, and she feels all the people she wasn’t able to save. Andy starts off the film doubting whether any of it mattered, if she was actually able to protect her community at all. Because she can’t protect everyone, she is forced to shrink that community down. She can protect Nile, Joe, Nicky, and Booker – and that has to be enough.

The situation with Quyhn is a good look at the sort of darkness that can live inside a Badger Primary. Because Andy stopped looking. She could have spent hundreds of years pouring money and time into finding Quyhn - and neglected the rest of her team, and by extension humanity. But Andy’s a Badger primary. That’s not a thing she can do.

(A Snake primary would never have stopped. Someone like Nicky would burn the world, if that’s what it took to get Joe back.)

If your preferred weapon is an ax or a hammer, then you’re a Lion secondary. That’s just how it works. You are too direct and too smashy to be anything else. Ms. “I always go first” Andy, leader of the group she thinks of as an army? Even when she’s discouraged and exhausted, her Lion secondary is still so loud. She has a bit of a Bird secondary model: she sets up rules like “we don’t do repeats, it’s too risky,” and establishes code words linked to specific maneuvers. But you can tell she’s a little uncomfortable with that kind of thinking. She wants to hit things with an ax and give inspirational speeches. And also threaten people.

Which means that Andy and Nile match perfectly. They are both Badger Lions with Bird secondary models. And that makes perfect sense. Nile was “born” at the same time Andy lost her immortality. They are both warriors. Nile is the one who will “go first,” when Andy isn’t able to anymore. She’s the one who gets Andy’s ax at the end. She’s the new Andy. Andy’s redemption comes with waking her Badger primary up, and training a replacement. Or as she puts it, “I think you showed up when I lost my immortality so I could remember what it was like (…) that there are people still worth fighting for.”

Nicolò di Genova aka “Nicky” fights for Joe. It really is that simple. His backstory tells you everything you need to know: he fought in the Crusades until he fell in love with a Muslim, and had to choose. On one hand - religion, country, job, society, security. On the other hand - the man he loves. For Nicky the answer is obvious. Because he is such a Snake primary.

As long as he’s with Joe, he’s fine. Agent Copley is trying to explain himself, Nicky doesn’t care. “I’m sure you’re bringing us to the person who paid for your betrayal. There’s a TV [on this plane] Joe!” The villains can talk all they want about the greater good and moral imperatives and changing the world. Nicky is just bored. “A fine justification. I’ve heard it so many times before.” None of that stuff matters to him.

His secondary is harder to spot, underneath the really loud primary and the really loud Lion secondary model. But I think I see a Badger secondary. Nicky’s a caretaker. He brings Andy her favorite candy, sets up Nile for the night and shows her where to sleep. Joe says that Nicky’s heart “overflows with a kindness of which this world is not worthy,” and I get that they’re in love, but that’s still some serious character testimony. I’m also going to throw in the fact that Nicky’s a sniper. Being a sniper is not like hitting things with an ax. It’s all about getting in place and being careful and patient. Badger secondary traits.

Yusuf Al-Kaysani aka “Joe” actually takes the time to lay out rules he lives by. Which is interesting, because the only other people in this film who do that are the villains. Those guys are not motivated by personal loyalty: they’re either Lion or Bird primaries motivated by “the greater good.” The Old Guard is a very Loyalist movie. When we get our big Theme Scene, the French shopgirl tells us, “Today I put this on your wound. Tomorrow you help someone up when they fall. We’re not meant to be alone.” That’s the ethos of the movie. It’s very Badger.

Joe gets how Badger Primaries work. He gets Andy, and the best example of this is when he comforts her by saying Quyhn “would be insane” by now. He’s basically saying, “you don’t have a responsibility to her the way you have to the rest of us, because she’s not really a person anymore.” It’s dark, but so is Andy, and that line of reasoning would make sense to a Badger primary.

Joe also understands Nicky’s Snake primary. He  knows he’s Nicky’s world, and he never stops demonstrating that. He has Nicky’s back when they fight (Nicky passes things over his shoulder without looking). He has Nicky’s back when they sleep (as the big spoon). He learned Italian for Nicky, and when Nicky is freaked, Joe just shows up with that “his kiss still thrills me, even after a millennia” speech. But that speech is also him explaining his worldview to the guards, the same way he bothers to tell them, “You shot Nicky. You shouldn’t have done that.”

When Nile asks, “Are you good guys or bad guys?” Joe responds, “Depends on the century.” He is interested in those large moral questions, and the answer he has decided on is a combination of Andy’s Badger morality, and Nicky’s Snake morality.

And to go with that really complicated Primary, I think Joe really is just a straightforward Lion secondary (another reason he gets Andy). I mean... he literally headbutts people. 

Sebastian “Booker” Le Livre, whose nickname is a very silly pun, is the most vaguely drawn character. I’m not sure if he turns Nicky and Joe over to Merrick because he wants to die, or because he wants to find a way to help Andy die. Or both. But either way, he is a very burnt Snake primary.

Booker seems to be the only one who kept up contact with his family after learning he was immortal. As a result, he got to watch his son die painfully with “hate and despair in [his] eyes,” blaming his father for not loving him enough to save him. It’s been about 150 years, but Booker is not over this.

That is a very Snake primary love, and when it comes down to it, Booker is a Snake with no people he can throw himself into loving the way he loved his son. (No wonder he drinks). He wants more emotional intimacy from Andy than she is able to give him - not in a romantic way, they have more of a sibling dynamic. But look at the betrayal in his eyes when he learns she’s lost her immortality: “Andy, look at me. Why didn’t you tell me?”

This is the exchange right after Booker betrays the team:

JOE: You selfish piece of shit. NICKY: Joe, leave it, please… BOOKER: What would you know of the weight of all these years alone? JOE: You’re a very pathetic man Booker. NICKY: Joe, stop. BOOKER: You and Nicky always had each other, right?

Nicky is sympathetic. He’s a Snake primary like Booker, he knows what living without a Person must be like, he knows exactly why Booker did what he did. Joe doesn’t. He only sees how Booker has failed to look at the big picture (like Joe would have, because he’s a Bird, that’s how he thinks) and that he made an objectively dumb call. Joe is angry at him for the rest of the movie. But the others, who know what it’s like motivated only by personal loyalty… they kind of get it.

To round things off, Booker is a Bird secondary. You can tell by the way he collects skills. He’s the operation coordinator, the quartermaster, the driver, and the tech guy. He’s also not afraid of a plan with steps. Nile calls him, “the brains of the operation” (although she’s probably being nice). Still, Booker is a good example of the way Bird secondaries aren’t always smart. His plan was pretty objectively terrible, but that was because his primary was so compromised.

tl;dr

Nile – Badger/Lion (Bird model)

Andy – Burnt Badger/Lion (Bird model)

Nicky – Snake/Badger (Lion model for fighting)

Joe – Bird who has built Nicky’s Snake morality, and Andy’s Badger morality into himself/Lion

Booker – Burnt Snake/Bird

[fancyfade]

My preferred backstory is similar (Talia gives up Damian, she finds him later and sorry shameless self promo but i have a fic based on the premise of post lexcorp era talia finding out about Damian (link))

But I just like. pretend death and the maidens didn't happen and mentally re-write the plots and interactions I don't like. If it requires evil talia it just happened a different way in my head. I don't like Death and the Maidens because it feels like torture porn for Talia.

i think that if Ra's has Damian raised as an assassin, he kind has to distance himself more from Damian than he did Talia as a kid, because if he was as close to Damian as he was Talia, he wouldn't be able to do it. And it can explain Ra's raising him in secret, because Ra's couldn't always be there anyway if he didn't want to make Talia suspicious. This could fit pretty well with pre 2011 Damian canon where Damian seemed to mostly be raised by (?? Don't think they answered it?) we'll go with tutors and other assassins. And it can help explain some of Damian's early characterization where he seems to be surprised that Dick came to rescue him. Not like I think that Ra's would actually not rescue Damian if he got in trouble, but if you have a child who doesn't have a consistent primary caretaker he has a strong emotional bond to (because the person he does care most about in this case, Ra's, is absent by necessity) then he would probably feel like he's on his own.

WRT Ra's characterization I think something interesting is that before the first plotline where Ra's is portrayed as like. Straight up willing to kill a large population of civilians (which IIRC is Batman Annual 8, his first writing by Mike Barr) it is after he died very graphically and was reduced down to 1 cell in the Lazarus PIt and reformed, and Ra's implied that this 'rebirth' influenced the view in the sun cult he was running. I can't get panels b/c its not on DC Universe and the rco is not working for me, but that's to the best of my memory. I think you could use it to somewhat explain Ra's' change in perspective, if he was less willing to go to extremes earlier.

Another thing I think could work: Resurrection of Ra's al Ghul (RRAG) Ra's is kind of OOC, but I know lots of people don't really like getting rid of RRAG because it's one of the only post Morrison comics where we see Talia being a good mom to Damian and caring about him. What's OOC is Ra's being willing to possess his family members against their consent, IMO, because we see Ra's generally kill people who hurt Talia, even when she is betraying him and they are working for him and trying to fulfill his goal (he kills the guy who accidentally shoots Talia in Wolfman's Batman run, and after a guy shoots Talia non-fatally in the leg in Tower of Babel he has that guy fed to a big cat).

Anyway RRAG does clarify Dusan is the first person who suggested the preserving Ra's' essence thing if his body dies, so he can easily start the plot before Ra's gets back... and Damian would presumably think it's his grandfather's plan and feel betrayed... BUT I'm thinking if Talia is trying to get Damian way from the League, she might not allow Ra's to correct Damian's assumptions, because she doesn't want Damian to go back (since she knows it's bad for him)... not necessarily anything in a 'my canon now' but it's an idea I'm tossing around.

Question for DC fans, what version of Damian's backstory/his relationship with Talia do you consider your personal canon? The one you choose to run with when writing fic or analysing his character?

For me I ignore a lot of the Morrison/Evil Talia nonsense. I go with Son of the Demon being canon, Ra's taking Damian back without Talia's knowledge, Talia finding out later on (tragically makes the baby Damian and Talia moments nonexistent but it's what makes the most sense to me for her character), Talia trying to be a good mother to an indoctrinated Damian. Year of Blood and Death and the Maidens which can be used to explain the ooc evil Talia stuff during Damian's Robin run. Although DATM has terrible Ra's characterization so I have to ignore some of that and do some reaching about the Lazarus Pit deteriorating his mind. And then Robin Son of Batman and Williamson's run. Ram V's Detective Comics run seems good so far as well.

Basically, it's a lot of trying to balance Damian's childhood in a cult being awful and explaining a lot of his trauma, but without turning Talia and even Ra's into one dimensional child abusers who just act like racist caricatures.

I'm curious to know how others pick and choose and why they do. It's a tricky topic but I want to know more about what the general consensus is among people who actually know Talia as a character and not just the racist, misogynistic stereotype she's been pushed into.

[painted-crow]

Submission time #19

so i’ve been spending the last little bit unburning my lion primary. now i’m sort of lost on secondary? i suspect i have bird in there somewhere but i’m having a hard time separating my natural secondary and a model that i really like and find helpful. (or maybe it’s the now-surprisingly-loud lion primary drive for authenticity coming through?) so if it’s okay with you, i’ll take a crack at some of the quiz questions and see if there’s anything of note? spacing might be weird—i’m on mobile :/

Sure thing!

When you succeed, how influential in that success were the people around you?

my answer to this one depends on the day. yes, they’re extremely influential; no, i don’t always like it. not because i don’t appreciate or need the help but because it got into my head in a funny way growing up. i’ve always been tremendously lucky to have people who love and want to help me, but like... it gets to the point where it feels like i’m nothing on my own. how much of this is a favour? what do i owe you? are you just trying to spare my feelings or because i’m related to someone else? i’m desperate to be able to say (and believe) that i’ve done something for myself on my own terms.

Ooh, okay. So, you've maybe got some caretaker Badgers around you, but that's not you--you don't really value this in yourself, even if it's how the community around you works. If you have any Badger secondary, it's anxious.

Do people consider you charismatic?

charisma is SUCH a concept. it gives off such an animal magnetism, face of the revolution vibe, which is not me at all. i have to work hard to be nice bc most people deserve the benefit of the doubt (as i repress the instinct to be judgy and mean LMAO) and also bc it just works better socially? flies and honey and all that. i also have very specific ways of being nice: “mom friend” and “hypercompetent rookie in line of succession” and “spicy and nonjudgmental confidante” which, granted, are already all parts of my personality just emphasized for clarity. i think of it like... personality colour correction, or... code-switching i guess.

You've literally just described Actor Bird. Also, you're not very nice when you describe yourself, are you?

people tend to like me more than i like me, though, and it catches me a little by surprise every time. maybe it’s just because i live in my own head and it’s a lot quieter and more anxious up here. it does suck a little, suddenly being worried that like “ooh ppl only like what u show them but that’s not how u rlly are”

Lions (primary or secondary) and Actor Bird can really clash... it sounds like you're discovering that your primary doesn't like this tactic as it unburns. Also, I think Bird masks just take a lot of energy if used long term. That might be me though.

so i’ll Sprinkle In Some Light Trauma to gauge the reaction (and regret it immediately). the truth is that not many people make it past the social utility part of friendship and so i don’t rlly... feel safe? putting down the masks which are designed to smooth interactions in any case. (so i guess YES but actually no i’m charismatic but also that’s a very different public facing side)

Yeah, this is all Actor Bird so far. Also, hugs.

Do you like going into situations with a plan?

mmm. i don’t think i plan so much as i attempt to see into the future and force my best outcome. i HATE going in blind—if i can a way around something, i will, but if i can’t it has to at least be a good and sensible attempt. most of the plans i usually put together have coping-mechanism, doodling while on a phone call energy: too granular to ever implement, just something to put order to the things you’re thinking.

This is still lots of Bird energy. Plans don't always look the same, you know? And some of us barely use 'em at all.

like, i do have all my degree requirements and preferred classes listed out, because that’s important and i should have that sorted out correctly before declaring my major. but the hour by hour daily schedule is more of a thing to make me feel in control and like i’ve put the work into considering it.

i’m also a stereotypical nerd: i have an english/history brain, i write a lot, i fall down personality inventory rabbit holes for fun, i pick up random things that end up relevant years later, nothing was as distressing as not being able to read for fun bc university was just Too Much—you know the drill.

I do, but not everyone is like this. You're probably a Bird, and I wonder if you're taking your secondary for granted because you feel like it's expected of you.

but for someone who plans as a coping mechanism, it’s also sometimes the best way to put me off. like i don’t know, being friends, which is the only thing in my life where traditional overthinking would RUIN it absolutely.

i know someone who semi-despairingly refers to herself as machiavellian because she interacts with people like it’s 4D chess.

Huh, so your friends don't talk about themselves very nicely either.

collects info, reshapes her entire personality into something designed to appeal to whoever she’s talking to. i tried not to get into motive bc socializing really is like That sometimes, but i couldn’t imagine pulling that off. i talk big game about acting a certain way, but only in ways that are already part of me yk? if i couldn’t believe i was being legit in some way i’m like 97% sure it would show through somehow and make it real weird.

You're still on Actor Bird. Your friend might have a Snake model? but you're an Actor Bird.

How do you feel about shortcuts?

work smart not hard, she says, working hard anyway bc she needs to see all the little things fall into place just to make sure that they do.

seriously though, that is for “important enough” things: i need to see it done to standard. i can rest only with a job well done kind of thing—due diligence so that any tomfoolery that goes down isn’t my fault and therefore no one can get mad at me.

This might be a Badger model, and I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say you picked this up from your community because it's what they expect of you. You don't seem to take any joy in it, though; it seems like an anxious response.

also i have beef with the idea of being gullible, so i’m gonna see it with my OWN EYES. for less important things, it’s a heart says yes mind says no situation. i love the shortcut that saves time and effort but keeps the quality, which is plentiful when it’s like. pasta sauce, but not when it’s like. the Donner party heading to california. i would love to shorten that stuff, but the consequences of a poorly done shortcut are more painful than the slog.

Bird modeling Badger. Yep.

Do you feel the need to keep the peace?

(it didn’t come up on this run of the quiz but i’ve been mulling over for a while!)

Huh. This question doesn't always come up? I always get it. I have to assume it's the quiz checking for Badger.

i’ve got a fairly bad temper and a transparent face. so no—i’m not much for keeping the peace. i can do it properly if compelled, but it’s exhausting and irritating and only really makes me resentful of the emotional labour.

Whether you can keep the peace is kind of separate from whether you feel you should, but you also really dislike being in that role. You're modeling some Bookkeeper Badger, which doesn't actually make you happy, and you really don't seem to like using Courtier for anything.

does it bother me when people fight? yeah, like most people do when it’s a rift-causing argument in a group they care strongly about, but if i’m not more loyal to one side of the dispute i’m much more likely to take out all the parties and have done with it. i’ve been known to fight back or even start stuff if the cause is important enough, or i have spleen to vent, but i’m a very messy arguer so staying out of it and collecting receipts in the background is much more my style.

Wonder if you've got some Lion secondary hiding out in your Houses. You don't like going into things unprepared, but maybe there's a Lion model you could be nurturing that would make you happier than that Badger mess that's been pushed on you.

anyway. this was long. made me think harder about badger than i thought. lots of feelings, but def not as sad as the ones i typed up and deleted ages ago which i elect to count as progress. thanks for making it this far hahahah

Yay! Progress!

Yeah, I don't think you're a Badger. It really doesn't make you happy. You sound like a Bird to me: actor Bird, rapid fire Bird, but not Badger. Not Snake, either; if you're a rapid fire or actor Bird (or both) you might mis-Sort yourself into Snake, but I'm not getting that from you.

--Paint

[cryptidcalling]

Heyo! Here’s that post I promised about some of Sean’s friends! Not all of them are going to be super fleshed out, because not all of them are super significant to Sean specifically, but they deserve some attention too. I also haven’t really given them last names.

Ian: He’s been hybridized with the DNA if a Lyre Bird, allowing him to mimic any sound he hears perfectly. This includes human voices. He also has feathers covering much of his arms and back, but he’s unfortunately not able to fly. He’s eccentric and charismatic, and also very intelligent! He’s the teams main leader and info-gatherer, and cares the most deeply about their mission. He’s great at finding information and hacking, but he’s also just generally book smart and good at math. However, he can be a bit emotionally tone deaf and doesn’t always properly read the room before acting. His loudness and general goofy attitude can be unwelcome at times when the situation is dire, and he can make people feel like he isn’t taking them seriously. He’s genuinely a caring friend though, and his life’s goal truly is to save every victim of GenMile’s experiments. He often refers to Sean and “Lou”, shortened from his last name of Loufin. Despite how different they are, Ian and Sean get along incredibly well. Sean is unendingly grateful for Ian and everything he’s done for him and the other hybrids and victims, and he understands better than most just how much saving people means to Ian.  Raquel “Roxy”: She’s been hybridized with the DNA of a Hyena, which gives her a naturally strong build, a good sense of smell, thick callouses on certain parts of her hands and feet, an immunity to mild toxins, and sharp teeth. She’s outgoing, and enjoys standing out in a crowd. She dresses like a full on biker woman, complete with Mohawk and a patch covered jean vest. She’s what some might call a Mama Bear, and is very protective of her friends. She and Sean bond fairly quickly because of how unsure and reserved he tends to be in unfamiliar situations. He’s not shy per-se, but he often will worry himself into a frenzy when he’s in an unfamiliar situation and nobody is around to help keep him grounded. She serves as his rock when Ian is a bit too loud and chipper for Sean to feel reassured. Despite her somewhat intimidating appearance, she’s an absolute mom friend, makes the best soup, and gives amazing hugs. She and Sean’s friendship eventually buds into a romantic relationship! (They’re both bi, in case anyone was wondering). Eri: Eri is a little girl, about 5 at the time of rescue and then she floats around the future/Australia time at 6. She’s an unauthorized revival of the hybrid project, started in secret by her own parents who both work for GenMile. They had her for the specific purpose of creating a new hybrid, believing that if she was their own blood she wouldn’t possibly turn against them. Her DNA has been mixed with that of a Vampire Bat, which gives her large pointed ears, small wings, sharp fans, and a unique type of venom that numbs pain and prevents blood from clotting, allowing her to drink as much blood as she can. She also has 4 sharp fangs and a pointed tongue with a deep grove in the center for consuming blood. Eri doesn’t need blood to live, just like Sean doesn’t need to eat sugar despite being partially Kinkajou and Roxy can eat things other than meat. However, cravings are natural, especially in younger children. When she was very little, between 1-3, Eri would bite her “parents” (Who I will henceforth call the Scientists, just know only the two of them knew about her) on many occasions to try and feed herself. Her cravings are especially dangerous, because her venom works nearly instantly. Besides a slight prick, someone she bites might feel no pain at all. This is dangerous for them and Eri, because given the opportunity she could potentially gorge herself to the point of feeling sick while the other person experiences severe blood loss. Instead of trying to help Eri manage the cravings that they forced upon her, the Scientists would instead punish her and lock her into her small isolated bedroom for long periods of time. She became convinced at such a young age that she was inherently bad and dangerous, and loving her was a gift she didn’t deserve and was only being “given” because the scientists are such great people. The more she grew the more she learned how to avoid acting on her cravings, but she wasn’t learning to manage them. Instead, the pent up feelings result in violent and destructive outbursts. When she gets rescued by the team, they’re all deeply shocked and terrified to see a new hybrid, and immediately take her in despite her denial. She tried many times to convince them all that she was a bad child, an evil terrible child that would only hurt them and destroy things. Sean feels the strongest immediate connection to her, because even to this day he deals with his own fears and self hatred regarding his venom. After her rescue, Sean takes her in as a caretaker, and he’s helping her heal and manage her cravings and outbursts.  Momo: They’ve had their DNA splice with a Wood Frog and Red-Eyed Tree Frog! They have many unique abilities, like holding their breath for hours at a time, webbed hands and feet, sticky fingers and toes that allow them to climb walls, a long sticky tongue, and the ability to freeze their blood to withstand freezing cold temperatures! Momo is the Free-spirit type who always wants to carve their own path and adventure off the grid. This means they can be stubborn when not getting their way, but also steadfast in their beliefs and highly confident. They’ll also extend this confidence and stubbornness to their teammates when they’re sure an idea of theirs will work.  Thia: Her DNA has been combined with that of a cheetah. As one might expect, her primary ability is speed. Her use within the team is primarily getting as many people out of a facility as quickly as possible! In terms of personality she’s quite traditionally feminine and enjoys watching teen dramas and dressing up with makeup and painted nails. Mainly, this is her way of feeling as though she fits in, and uses it as a form of self expression. She never got to dress up in fun clothes or own things that were overly dramatic and silly when she was little, so she happily indulges now. She knows many of the novels she reads and movies she watches are completely fictional and dramatized, but that’s exactly what she likes about them. She and Roxy get along very well as the two girls on the team despite their opposing aesthetics.  The reason Momo and Thia don’t come with Sean, Ian, Roxy and Eri to Australia is because that is primarily SEAN’S dream and he’s my main character. It’s his desire to leave the country and live in Australia, not the whole team’s. Roxy comes with because by the end she and Sean are dating, Eri comes with because Sean is her new dad, and Ian comes along to establish a new safe base of operations for himself! And also because Sean is a very important friend to him. Just because GenMile has finally been taken down doesn’t mean there’s not more people in need of rescuing, and when you’ve committed as many federal crimes as Ian has Fleeing the country with your best bro and his new family Just Makes Sense. Momo and Thia still leave the country! Momo chooses to go to Europe, and is easily able to live with very little money and travel around, sleeping in hostels and enjoying the natural people and cultures. Thia actually ends up in Spain! She’s able to make a career for herself in the fashion and makeup industries. She can’t be a model unfortunately, but she can work behind the scenes as a wardrobe and makeup artist for movies and photo shoots. 

[littlemisssquiggles]

Also simple question, I am seeing it is kind of split with how Weiss handled Whitley when her team was seeking shelter. I see some say Weiss was in the right and Whitley was just being a jerk, others say Weiss went too far and disregared her promise to Willow. Me I am unsure of Weiss but I do know Whitley was justified in his objections. What do you thing?

Hiya Crystal. For me, it's a case where I feel both sides were more or less justified in a sense. 

While I understand that RWBN needed a temporary shelter to crash for the night while Nora was in recovery, I do believe Whit was vindicated in his unwillingness to aid the group given the all-important fact that they are criminals wanted by General Ironwood and the Atlesian Military. 

By hiding at Schnee Manor, Weiss is unintentionally making the rest of her family look like accomplices for harbouring them which could result in Willow and Whit either being locked away in jail along with Jacques or worse. 

As we saw from the first episode, Ironwood is not in the right frame of mind right now. If he was willing to outright kill the remaining members of the Atlas Council who stand to oppose his actions to defend the kingdom and/or forcibly impose the aid of Arthur Watts despite his crimes against his kingdom as a means of getting Penny to return to him against her will, then what's stopping Ironwood from deeming the whole Schnee Family (minus Winter, of course) as traitors to Atlas and ordering their execution on the spot. 

I know this may sound like an extreme worst case scenario but at this point, after seeing Ironwood’s actions for the past couple of episodes, I honestly wouldn’t put it past him.

Like I said, Weiss may be putting her brother and mother in danger and it is disappointing that she hasn’t considered this potential repercussion. Or perhaps she has...which could rationalize why Weiss firmly told Whit to go to his room last episode while she and the other girls aided Nora.

Let me explain what I mean by this. I do disagree with the notion that Weiss ignored her mother's wishes to look out for Whitley. 

While I was annoyed at the crude tone Weiss took to poor Whit upon returning home at first, after more thought, I came to the realization that perhaps Weiss wasn’t acting stern with Whit because she was trying to be rude or disrespectful to her little brother. 

On the contrary, Weiss in that moment sounded very much like a parent to Whit. 

She wasn't being the older sister who has ignored her brother in the past. I saw that moment as Weiss attempting to be like a firm yet caring parent to Whitley.

"Go to your room!" Weiss sounded like such a mom in that instance that I honestly thought it was kind of adorable. And it makes sense. 

Last season, Willow explained to Weiss that Whitley is only the way he is due to being raised poorly by both her and Jacques who admittedly weren't the best parental figures and role models in the young man’s life. Unlike Weiss, who at least had Winter looking out for her, Whitley never had that kind of proper guidance from anyone.

So I took that moment from the last episode as Weiss trying to do just that. Be a guiding voice for Whit. Sure she was firm with him but I more saw it from a place of compassion rather than ignorance, y’know what I mean? It’s not the same tone as Weiss took with her brother before. I dunno. Maybe I’m the cheese that stands alone with this stance. All I can say is that from my perspective, I took the V8CH4 moment between Weiss and Whitley as Weiss trying to be maternal towards Whit.

And what's interesting to note is just how quickly Whitley listened to Weiss. While he appeared annoyed, he didn't object to going to his room either. This, in addition to him folding at allowing RWBN to stay until Nora recovered, proves Whit isn’t as rotten to the core as some folks might peg him to be. 

He's not as heartless as others might expect him to be due to his upbringing. 

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again---Whitley Schnee is NOT a bad person. He’s just misguided which is why a relationship between him and Weiss would be important to his development. All Whit needs is proper guidance from someone who can show him to become the best person he can be and this is why Willow told Weiss to be there for him.

I found it interesting that Willow told this to Weiss as a opposed to Winter, despite both of them being at the Schnee Manor that night of the dinner. Call it coincidence or just a matter of the narrative but, it wouldn’t surprise me if Willow reached out to Winter to be there for both of her younger siblings in the past. 

Or perhaps…Willow attempted to get Winter to care for her little brother as well but given the strained relationship between Winter and Whit (since Weiss outright said that Whitley doesn’t like Winter back in V4), Winter probably saw Whit as a lost cause and instead channelled all of her support into moulding Weiss which worked out.

Weiss was able to change to become a better person due to the support of those who cared for her like her older sister and the friends she made at Beacon who eventually became like family to her too. 

Now what’s needed is for the same type of development to happen for Whitley hopefully. 

Ultimately, I think Weiss will be the only family member that Whitley will have to turn to in the end so now would be a better time to help guide him as he is still pretty young.

I also have a hunch that Willow Schnee will probably die soon. Given what was said by Whit about her last episode, her current condition is giving me "dead mom" red flags. 

My concern is that Weiss might just go to visit her mom in her room only to find her dead from an overdose of alcohol mixed with pills as a form of suicide. I'm not trying to imply that I think Willow may be suicidal at this point in the narrative, since I doubt the showrunners will go that dark but...I dunno. It's a weird vibe I'm getting that makes me think Willow won't be around for much longer, thus taking away yet another family member for Whit to turn to. 

His dad is in jail, probably for life. Mom isn't look too stable health-wise and may either die or be forced to go away for some time in order to get herself the proper help she needs. Eldest sister doesn't want to have anything to do with Whit or the Schnee Family name or affairs for that matter.

The only person Whit has a chance with is Weiss. It wouldn’t surprise me if Weiss becomes Whitley’s primary caretaker and/or custodian following the Atlas Arc. 

I’m not sure how old Whit is. Some folks peg him to be around Oscar’s age but I was more of the impression that Whit is between Ruby and Oscar in respect to ages. If Oscar is 14 going on 15 and Ruby just turned 17 as of V7, then my assumption is that Whit is probably 16-years old. Young but at the ripe age that he could be made heir to the Schnee Dust Company and take over from his father in terms of authority should anything happen to Jacques (as we’re already seeing done in the PLOT).

I’m not sure how parental custody works in the realm of Remnant but Weiss is old enough to become the legal guardian to her brother since she is 19. 

Bottom-line what I’m mainly trying to say is that Weiss may just end up being all Whitley has in the end to turn to in terms of family---unless Klein returns to Schnee Manor out of concern and care of the young master after hearing what became of the Schnees. 

I’d love to think that Klein loved the Schnee siblings as if they were his own children. So wouldn’t it be touching if, despite being wrongfully fired by Jacques, Klein returned to Schnee Manor to willingly offer his services to young Whitley because he genuinely loved and cared for him? 

Wouldn’t that be a sweet way to bring Klein back into the picture especially as someone to watch over Whit in place of Weiss as she goes off to fight the forces of evil?

Also, now that I think about it again---Weiss sending Whit off to his room was actually a wise move because as we know, Schnee Manor is a large estate. In the event that the authorities show up at their doorstep and accuse the Schnees of harbouring criminals, Whit can always make the excuse that he and his mom were locked inside their respective rooms at the time and weren't aware of RWBN being on the premises, especially since there were no staff around to alert them of their intrusion. 

So yeah; that’s how this squiggle meister sees it, Crystal. 

Weiss wasn't disregarding her promise to her mother. I think she's actually trying in her own Weiss-way to live up to it and actually look out for Whit. 

Whether or not, Whitley will continue to keep listening to Weiss or fight her on the matter, is up to him as we'll see from the show in tomorrow’s new episode. But for now, those are my thoughts on that fam. Hope this answers your question.

~LittleMissSquiggles (2020)

[lifesliced-a]

i’m going to be talking more about ren and hina with their individual and combined experiences since japan’s laws on prostitution give some leeway to the sex industry as a whole. obviously the below content warnings are due to them being of a sexual nature, so discretion advised. 

that being said, i’m aiming to take this from a respectful and technical approach to a character that lives a very different life than some of the other characters on this blog. also this is really, really long. i tried to do my research here as well as tie my character into all that research.

HOST STUFF / REN’S MANAGEMENT OF THE CLUB:

hina and ren have a small age difference of just a year, both having gotten into the industry at a young age ( both 18 ) .

as a host, ren is pretty strict in the day-to-day about hosting. it is exactly as it seems: he hosts and he manages the club.

it’s smoke and mirrors basically, catering to having drinks, flirting with customers, and basically entertaining them. a host can touch the patron, but usually not the other way around. ren is a little less strict to this in his own management of shining!, so long as it falls under the guise of socially appropriate ( returning a gesture from a host for instance, or a hand on the shoulder ) . 

hosts are allowed to give their numbers and often take their clients on dates, which in turn leads them back to the host club to make more money. the goal is to keep revenue coming in. shining! is aimed to the ‘classic’ experience, what many would think of in reference to ouran aesthetically speaking ( and not much else ) . as much as i keep ren at a dissonance from that show overall so as to not be confused, the idea of shining! started as a tourist attraction / pop-up. it no doubt drew that crowd in, and quite purposefully given that foreigners and locals alike were apt to visit. it was a pop-up for a few years before having permanent residence in the red-light district. it’s supposed to be a diamond in the rough; a place for affordable class.

ren was part of the original set of boys hosting for the ‘pre-shining!’ days, and is the last out of them to have not moved to another club / part of the industry. he was chosen just before he turned 19, having worked at another smaller club before he was scooped up. 

WHO RUNS SHINING! BEHIND THE SCENES?

his name is ishikawa goro ( though ren doubts this to be his real name ), and is a member of the yakuza, utilizing shining! for purposes mostly beneath ren’s nose. he started the pop up, he hired ren, and he got the business off the ground while entrusting ren to manage it. ren was known as umi then. goro was the one that suggested he go by ren, finding it fitting for him.

he has been involved in ren’s life for almost ten years based on where ren’s primary verse picks up, and has basically been a formative figure in ren’s life where one was lacking. there is no sexual element to their relationship, though ren had a slight affection for him at first that was quickly realized to be a more fondness. 

goro’s appearance changes often, mostly his hair color. he goes from natural black through shades of brown and blond often, wanting to keep himself from being noticed too often. he acts as a part of the underground.

he comes off pretty cool, collected, and in control. he has all the chips in favor, the deck is stacked, the game is rigged. he tends to give the illusion that power is shared, or that he’s out for everyone’s best interest, but he typically has his own interests at heart. he will do whatever fits agenda. if helping benefits him, he’ll help. if not, he typically won’t intervene. he finds reasons to do things that might not directly benefit him, but those are solely motivated by personal interest. he has a soft spot for children, and tends to be aggressive with offenders that are dangerous to children. this is ren’s best selling point honestly.

WHAT DID REN DO BEFORE THERE WAS A PERMANENT LOCATION / DURING OFF-SEASONS?

when the club wasn’t completely profitable as a full-time position, ren definitely learned early to work around the law. japan’s prostitution laws allow for a lot of loopholes --> read about japan’s laws on prostitution and what sex workers do / where they work to get around these laws. 

>>>> “ Prostitution in modern Japan, as defined under Japanese law, is the illegal practice of sexual intercourse with an 'unspecified' (unacquainted) person in exchange for monetary compensation,[1][2][3] which was criminalized in 1965 by the introduction of article 3 of the Anti-Prostitution Law (売春防止法, Baishun Bōshi Hō). ” <<<<

this leaves the door open to other acts that sex workers can engage in outside of ‘sexual intercourse with an unspecified person’. that basically means they can’t engage in traditional sex with strangers for money, but could have paid sex with an acquaintance. this does not mean they cannot perform oral sex and other sex acts that are non-coital are permitted to be paid for by unspecified persons. there is a term for the industry that i’ve come to understand is like an overlaying term for many different places with different business called ‘health’.

in ren’s case, he’s used this as a strong argument for having paid sex with clients as they are ‘in his realm of acquaintances’. he meets his private connections via the locations he’s worked at, primarily shining!.

ren kept a small string of locals that came to the pop-up location in his black book to keep a small revenue coming in from 19-21. shining! is a running business with four walls by the time he’s 22, to which these connections grows, and he becomes busier ‘moonlight’. however, from 18-21, he did work at a few other locations to supplement cashflow. he has also temporarily returned to some of these gigs shortly after kyosuke was born, and during his transition between apartments ( to which he is currently living at 27 ) .

ren’s options, in comparison to hina’s, are a bit more limited in being hired in what one could consider a “legal establishment”. a lot of his work is reliant on his customer base from shining! and other connections. so when he wasn’t working at shining! or meeting with regulars off the clock ( or ‘friends of’ his regulars ) , he acted as a male equivalent of what’s called ‘delivery health’ which is basically a type of call girl. ironically this is what ren transitions to full-time after leaving shining!, having built up a solid customer base as he follows his former #2 host**

** this host, sho, is a major connection in ren’s life. ren hired sho at shining! to be the genki type. despite their initial differences, rne and sho realized quickly their opposing appearances and personalities could make them more money together than apart. they’ll host together or bounce off each other ( “see how mean ren is to me!” or “see how difficult sho makes my job” to play sympathy ) , which quickly moved to them hosting after hours together. individually they do well, but together there is more profit. they also have an affair together on and off. **

SO WHERE DOES HINA FIT INTO THIS? SHE’S A HOSTESS, RIGHT?

she is! hina met ren when the club was a pop-up, coming to be hosted after constantly having to host. ren understands, as he’s done the same. their connection was pretty quick. 

before hosting, hina’s first job as a sex worker was as an onakura, and she did that for six months while trying to work a few part-time jobs. finding herself, similarly to ren, unable to rise above her circumstances, she quickly quit that to pursue more money.

for a short period she worked as a call girl, but eventually found hosting to be her saving grace while still remaining in the industry. she was given the opportunity by a friend who was a hostess at the time, and had suggested she apply. cleaning herself up, hina excelled quickly, and is quite good at her job. 

where she used to moonlight for $$$, she now gaslights ren for cash due to their connection as mother / father to their son. he always obliges. there is love in that love-hate.

ADDITIONAL DETAILS:

how it all boils down --> both hina and ren are essentially sex workers, though ren is more into the realm of prostitution than hina is. he is the primary caretaker for their son, and his mother, and thus his financial burden is far greater. 

a big reason he leaves his manager position is because a) it’s not going anywhere and b) he can’t let sho leave without him. now that he has a clientele that’s more than several individuals, he can work effectively as a “man on call” and get a larger pool from there. his services are more open, more direct, and not under the guise of ‘hosting’ anymore. they still fall into being advertised within the legal confines, but he’s still in the red light district: at the end of the day, ren is ( and has always been ) a prostitute. there’s nothing wrong with that, and in reality he really is the one that has the hardest time coming to terms with the technically terms for his career. he’s only doing what’s been the oldest profession in the book, and he’s filling a niche that’s more saturated by men wanting women and not women wanting men ( or men wanting men ) .

over time, ren has definitely acted outside of the law, but he mostly does what he can to stay within the legalities forced on him. the reason ren got into this wasn’t originally to go full-in, more needing some quick cash after he had to drop out of university and take care of his mom. from there, it sort of just spiraled, and he was in situations he was either too young or naive to understand, or was just making bad decisions. by the time he met hina and got her pregnant, there was no way ren was going to get out.

he traditionally hosts women more than men, though he sleeps with men and women rather equally with men being a slightly larger margin. there is a stigma of gay men living openly, and he provides comfort as a temporary lover. they can pretend he is their own / their boyfriend for a night.

while most of his female and male partners, for their own reasons, seek him for comfort and sex, others have been more violent. it’s no shock or secret that, especially acting independently without shining! to back him, ren has found himself in trouble, or just some extreme sexual situations.

he’s been hit and choked, which is not uncommon, to full on beaten up. he takes it as some clients just like it rough, and he’s there to provide them whatever kink they pay him to indulge. his motto is: i like what you like. a husband has walked in on him, but didn’t seem surprised. he’s been with couples, has been passed around, and basically is keen to do whatever he has to leave the situation still able to go to the work the next day as ren / come home at night as yori ( kyosuke’s father ) .

** at some point during their time together at shining! through their time post-shining! that ren pursues some cam-work with sho. he usually is masked as they do ‘live-streams’ where they perform with / on each other at the discretion of the chat. this is an on again / off again type of deal, though they typically do well, and get a good portion of views from westerners **

[tessasocs]

hello 🥺, i just wanna know everything about melissa akane because i'm trash for oliver queen and i protect his girls with my heart. so if you can tell me about her personality and family story i will be greatful. thank u. 👉👈

Of course!! thank you for asking! I’m always happy to answer questions about her so feel free to send some more in!

Melissa is a bright if cynical individual who is curious about everything and always willing to investigate if something feels off to her. She grew up loved by her parents and is a bit spoiled, although that disappears after her father dies and she becomes the primary caretaker of her mother. She’s incredibly intelligent and isn’t afraid of speaking her mind, even to those who hold more power than she does. Before her father’s death and Oliver’s disappearance, she was bratty and a bit of a wild card, trying new things for a adrenaline rush and the hell of it, and was generally a bad influence on Oliver, Tommy, and Laurel. The five years have changed her though and she’s a lot more reserved and responsible.

Her family story is a long one so it’s under the cut.

Melissa Kane is a wealthy socialite who was born and raised in Starling City. Her father is Elias Kane, a successful business man in the computer and artificial intelligence industry and her mother--Colette King--is old money and also has a share in the Merlyn Global Group (which falls to Melissa after she dies of lung cancer just before the Undertaking).

Melissa grew up across the street from Laurel Lance and the two girls were inseparable and their bond only grew closer as they grew up together. Eventually, when Laurel started dating Oliver Queen, the three of them became a fun trio, which Tommy Merlyn joined in from time to time. Melissa was incredibly intelligent and was incredibly close with her father, which gave her invaluable computer skills (although admittedly she’s not as good as Felicity Smoak) and she was often able to get them into places that they wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. She and Oliver were incredibly close and him going missing hits her hard.

Unfortunately, when Oliver Queen went missing after the sinking of the Queen’s Gambit, Melissa’s dad took his own life and was found by his wife and daughter two weeks after the sinking of the ship. The company fell to new leadership and Melissa and her mom were forced out of their home and into an apartment in the city, where Colette’s condition became worse and Melissa was forced to work odd jobs to help support herself. 

Laurel eventually offered her a job at CNRI as an IT expert which Melissa took. Around the time of her father’s death, Melissa was visited by her aunt Adeline who had started an espionage company known as Searchers Inc, and offered Melissa a job and a chance to investigate her father’s death (cause Melissa always thought it was murder and not suicide). 

That’s basically where we meet her at the start of the series when Oliver comes back and he needs her help on one of his Arrow missions. 

[dcrbyalbright]

What! Is! Up! Hullo all, I’m Olive, here to introduce myself and my trash can girl. I’m 23 and I live in Boston but rn with this damn global pandemic I’m staying with my parents! Something you need to know about me: typos are my brand. I will absolutely fuck up every sentence I ever write in this rp and you just gotta accept that. I like craft beers and reading trashy memoirs and.... idk! Gonna drop the intro before I ramble too much. Kisses!

(NICOLA PELTZ, CIS FEMALE) - Have you seen FREYA ADLER? FREY is in HER JUNIOR year. The THEATRE MAJOR is 21 years old & is a LEO. People say SHE is GREGARIOUS, CHARMING, SECRETIVE and CHILDISH. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID SOCIETY. I heard from the gossip blog that SHE SLEPT WITH A PROFESSOR TO PAY HER RENT LAST YEAR. - (OLIVE. 23. EST. SHE/HER.)

21 years old!! From NY!

Her parents were wannabe hippies who missed the days of the 60’s. In their twenties, they met riding around on a bus through all of America, living on the vinyl seats and smoking weed as they traveled

Freya was an accidental pregnancy and so they left the bus life and moved in with her maternal grandparents, got part time jobs and eventually moved to a small apartment on their own

They never wanted to be parents and never saw themselves living a typical lifestyle, so Freya got the message pretty early on that she wasn’t wanted. They were never unkind or abusive, just generally uninterested in their daughter. She was like an awkward antique coffee table from your relatives, something that you aren’t quite sure what to do with but know you can never get rid of

Like seriously she might as well have been a piece of furniture to them. They spent most of her childhood in the basement smoking weed and playing The Grateful Dead while she cooked herself meals of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

Her dad worked as a party clown and her mom was a bus driver so she got picked on a lot in school ghgfdsdfg

Has an intense and burning desire to be loved because she never got it from them!! She made up for her lack of love by throwing it in any direction she could. She’s always been pretty popular at school because she’s kind to everyone and has an ability to make anyone feel comfortable around her

She found in school that she has a fantastic talent for anything artistic. Painting, sculpture, photography, she does it all. Also plays guitar and piano!!

When she was 13 her parents accidentally got pregnant again and gave birth to her little brother Alistair, called Ali for short.

Her parents actually tried to be good parents for Ali which?? Pissed her OFF!! Like, they went to every parent teacher conference, nurtured him, were just AROUND which was heartbreaking for Freya to watch

She wanted to hate Ali just bc of this but she really couldn’t… there was something special about him and he was incredibly smart. Started reading at age two, and was a mathematical prodigy in the way that his older sister was an artistic prodigy. By age four Freya and Ali were having intense intellectual debates and she just found him incredibly fascinating, as well as kind

Loved her little brother to pieces!! When she got her driving license she volunteered to drop him off at primary school every day and they rocked out together to all her favorite songs and she taught him the words to David Bowie’s Heroes

But then the accident happened, and Freya’s life was upended. Ali was kneeling down in her parent’s driveway, out of sight as their mother was backing up and leaving the house. She hit Ali and his lung was punctured by a rib. He was rushed to the hospital but he didn’t make it.

The family split after that like a dropped snowglobe, the emotional shards of Ali’s death exploding in its wake. Her father left, unable to even hold their mother’s hand during the funeral. He blamed her for Ali’s death even though it was an accident.

Freya’s mother fell into a deep depression that she’s never shaken. Her grandparents moved Freya and her mom back into their mom, and her grandparents are now the full-time caretakers for Freya’s mother. She wanders around most days in a drugged haze clutching Ali’s baby blanket with a bathrobe on.

As soon as she could, Freya got out of the house. She applied to Northshore, packed her bags and got out. She still doesn’t like to talk about her family

Umm despite the tragedy she’s remained a really kind, positive person?? Her motto is “always be a little kinder than necessary.” She’s actually super embarrassed about how much she cares for everyone dfhgfds

Is a bit inspired by Noora from SKAM in that she’s not a fan of dating and keeps her walls up!! But different in that she keeps her walls up by having sex with everyone sdfgfds

Umm kind of has too much sex? She got chlamydia last year and was most upset that she couldnt have sex for a few weeks not that she caught an std HGFDSDFGH

She loves vintage t-shirts, converse, mom jeans, plaid skirts, red lipstick, big sweaters, pastel colors and her mom’s old Doc Marten boots from the 80’s

Doesn’t really drink to get drunk, but she does love drugs!! Of all kinds!! Mostly weed, but occasionally for big parties she’ll drop acid, or she’ll get high when she’s in a creative rut and needs to just go hog wild and paint sdfgfds

Can also get along with anyone tbh

Stubborn! As! Hell!

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

Her bandmates. She started a band her first year of uni and they play mostly die bars and pubs, but they’re together all the time. Bonus points if there’s some bandmate sexual tension??

Art friends! People who get together to create, pull all nighters working on projects, support each other through their art coursework

The Serena to her Blair. Give her a messy friend that she’s always picking up from the bar at 3 AM in her pajamas bc they called in the middle of the night and needed Freya to get them out of a jam sdfgfds

A bad influence! Someone who’s like c/mon Freya having a seventh drink fghgfds

Childhood friends from NY! Maybe people whose parents knew each other, or someone whose parents kind of took Freya under their wing bc her parents were so absent

Friends, best friend, ride or dies, friends who are like siblings to her, maybe someone with an unrequited crush on either side??

Someone she used to date but pushed them away when she started to fall in love bc she’s afraid of getting hurt!!