#my mom didnt need to lose faith in life | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

suzythelie · 2 years ago

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I posted 6 times in 2022

That's 6 more posts than 2021!

6 posts created (100%)

0 posts reblogged (0%)

I tagged 5 of my posts in 2022

Only 17% of my posts had no tags

#abuse survivor - 3 posts

#complex ptsd - 3 posts

#bipolar 2 - 3 posts

#mental disorder - 3 posts

#mental health - 3 posts

#ptsd - 2 posts

#bipolar mania - 2 posts

#stranger things - 1 post

#mental illness - 1 post

#bipolar disorder - 1 post

Longest Tag: 16 characters

#bipolar disorder

My Top Posts in 2022:

Recovering from narcissist abuse,and severe ptsd. Im bipolar and im just barely hanging on. Some days go by ok and some days I hide and cry all day. I scream on the inside so no one hears me, I smile because I dont want anyone to know how bad I feel. The sun doesn't shine on me and the darkness is not where I want to be. I never want anyone to know how bad I'm hurting, but sometimes its to much. I feel so lost and um looking for something anything that makes me feel better. I dont want sympathy, I dont want to blame anyone, I just want to be able to stand on my own two feet and feel worthy of life.

0 notes - Posted August 24, 2022

Today I hate myself! I slept to long, I are the wrong food, im gaining weight when I need to lose. My head hurts from crying, my knees hurt from praying to God to help me find peace. I want to scream and throw something breakable. I want so much to be ok and stop feeling this way. How am I so old and still so stupid. Why do I always choose to care. I let him hurt me over and over so many times that when he left for good I just knew he would come back. I took steps to make sure he would never hurt me again. Steps that I knew he would not be able to accept, I didnt want him back. I was to scared that I would keep allowing him to hurt me until he went to far.i didn't know he was a narcissist for sure. The day he told me he was marring a girl half our age it was like he took all of the air out of my lungs and held his hand over my mouth so I couldn't get more. Now she is his victim and im living in a nightmare. Im scared of the whole world. I cant ever be with someone like him again but everyone I meet seems to be like that. So it must be me. So what do I do. I put on a smile and I pray to God above please don't let me fall in love today everyday. It would kill me.

1 note - Posted October 19, 2022

I want to write a book and I need some help. I dont even know where to start actually.

1 note - Posted August 19, 2022

I had never heard the word "narcissist " before and I really didn't know what it meant. About six months into my relationship with him my daughter said to me" mom he is a Narcissist and he will only hurt you" I kinda laughed it off and I didn't really think about it again. When he beat me up and threw me out of his car in the middle of nowhere in the pouring rain only to come back and get me 45 minutes later, my friend at work told me he was a "narcissist " but I still didn't know what that meant. In today's society everyone has a label label. Im bipolar and i have ptsd, so saying someone is a narcissist didn't really bother me. Fast forward about 4 years. He had completely taken over my life. He gave me my medication because he had if locked in a box so I couldn't get it or even see what hd was giving me. I couldn't see my children unless he was with me. I felt empty and alone, but a narcissist? Maybe? Was he a narcissist or was I for wanting to have things my way for a day or two. Was it his fault or mine for letting him say whatever, do whatever and still believe he loved me. Whose fault was it? I honestly didn't know!

4 notes - Posted December 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Being a survivor means getting past the pain and hurt to a point that you can help people who haven't made it to that point. Hope and faith brings a person closer to living happiness again and never looking back to what happened wanting to go back. Its help you push forward and start over weather you're alone or not. Being alone is not a bad thing sometimes it make you strong so that you can let the person who is supposed to be in you life walk in and show you what real is.

7 notes - Posted November 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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amerasdreams · 2 years ago

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Well we can't adopt the cat bc moms dogs aren't up to date on vaccinations. And she can't get an appointment til late August. So the cat I was looking at will probably be gone by then. 😞

#cat #adopt #humane society #its good in that mom found out her dogs needed shots...#rabies #distemper #they didnt send a reminder #things just keep getting better an better this month dont they #i lose so many...#and get none #bc i get no new ppl in my life unless theyre pets #i lose some i knew my whole life #and then...#get nothing bc im not capable of it #cant even really afford another cat #orr anoher horse #im.#how can i have faith i can do sth when i never did

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rae-arts777 · 4 years ago

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Ok I’ll spar you guys the million screenshots!

RAE IS MAKING A MINI STORY ON THIS! Cause just cause i was bored doesn’t mean you guys have to be ill post the picture of the summary at the end

TW: death stuff, this is Danganronpa simulation by the way

Chapter 1:

The motive was freedom, the first blackened, if they can get away, they’ll be able to walk away, into the outside world. Of course, all you got to do is kill and be free, easy right?

It didn’t take long for Coleman to go mad. Just kill one person and he can leave right? Sam was alone, he can went off the explore the area they were stuck in.

It was too easy. Too easy. All it took was one clean hit to the temple, and Sam was dead. He did it. He could leave now? Right?

A body has been discovered.

Clark screamed, seeing his brother dead on the ground. Makoto wrapped his arms around Clark tightly, he didn’t expect a murder so soon. Coleman just looked at them and laughed. He could le-

No one ever said anything about a trail. The trail...how could Coleman even defend himself? Clark and Makoto saw him over Sam’s body. It didn’t take long for the votes to be casted, as Coleman was dragged out of the room to his doomed faith.

Chapter 2:

The motive was revenge. There were a few people here who had bad blood against each other.

Liu’s eye flickered to Dorothy, that woman, costs him many things. His plan was simple, such a poor weak looking woman would not stand a chance against him.

His kill would be brutal, he wanted her to pay.

Late that night, Liu walked quietly up behind Dorothy, who was alone in the rec room. Her headphones blocked out any noises. Just as he raised the knife to kill, a body tackled him.

Shi Won Kim. The two wrestle for the knife. Dorothy took over her headphones and spun around alarm to see them fighting.

“DOROTHY!! RUN!” Was the last words like left Shi Won’s mouth when a knife was plunged through her heart.

Dorothy let out a heartbroken scream. Watching as Liu continued to stab at Won’s body. Even though Dorothy wasn’t his kill, this woman under him also screwed him over.

Dorothy darted out the room screaming still, her screams carrying down the hall to the others.

A body has been discovered

The trail was quick, Dorothy was still sobbing. It should have been her. It should have been her. Liu cursed Dorothy out as he was dragged away to his await punishment.

Chapter 3:

The motive was obsession. It was no surprise Ishigami had some admiration obsession with Akemi. It was no surprise Akemi had the obsession of keeping Makoto as her own. Despite knowing he was against her, Akemi still, chose to give Makoto her full attention.

Akemi spent whatever time she could with Makoto. Makoto would only go with her cause he knew she would not back down until he said yes.

Over the pass few days, they actually grew sort of close. Oz hated it. Seeing the way that woman laid her hands on his son. The way she called him son, telling him to call her mom. It hurt to see that Makoto did prefer Akemi over him.

Akemi could see the way Oz would look at them. She won’t have it. She won’t have this man take her son. Ishigami, would do anything for Akemi. Anything. She told him to prove his loyalty. Kill Oz.

Need say more? Ishigami followed Oz until he saw the perfect moment. The training room, Ishigami used a cord from the rec room, and choked Oz out. He watch in pleasure as Oz’s face turned blue. The last sight Ishigami saw was Oz’s body going limp, before a forced behind him broke his neck.

Two bodies have been discovered

The trail, Makoto couldn’t help but cry, he had regret. He didnt think Oz would be a victim of this game. Sure Makoto held a grudge against him, but seeing another parent dead, Oz actually being dead, it hurt. Akemi was in the hotbox. It wasn’t a secret she wanted Makoto to herself

Akemi admitted she did ask for Oz to be killed, but Ishigami she didn’t know.

Everyone stood conflicted, couldn’t they even trust this woman? She just admitted she asked for Oz to be killed. Abby sighed heavily and raised her arms up.

“It was me...”

Abby thought she could have saved Oz in time, she figured it was worth dying if she could save him. But she failed.

Makoto broke down more, not Abby.

Abby walked towards the three other members of Team Confidence. Laurent, Cynthia, and Makoto. The four of them shared a tight hug, the three of them holding Abby tightly and close. It didn’t take long for the tears to start pouring, from all four of them. Abby started to sobbed, hugging the three tighter

“Thank you....for making my life worth living..”

Abby walked willing to her execution, waving a sad goodbye to her family. (Hello I’m crying now )

Chapter 4:

The motive was lovers sickness. Being so close together for a long time sparks love between a few people.

Dorothy still heartbroken over Shi Won, Laurent dreaded over Abby’s execution. The two pervious lovers, started to lean on each other for comfort.

Clark tried his best to comfort Makoto. He hated seeing the man spending his days looking like a shell of a person.

Clark made it his mission to take care of Makoto. And to as far as starting to sleep in Makoto’s room at night. It didn’t take long, Clark..loved him. He loved Makoto. He loved him so so so so so much. His Makoto.

Over the pass few days, Makoto being to become himself again. He knew Abby and Oz would want him to keep fighting. He was going to survive for them.

Makoto went to go see how Laurent was holding up. During his time with Dorothy, Laurent learned the feeling he had for her were long gone. However, Dorothy had started falling for the Belgian man during their time together. Laurent smiled as Makoto walked up to him.

The two men hugged each other, both taking a deep breathe. Losing Abby hurt, but they will get out of this for her. Makoto melted into Laurent’s arms, as Laurent held him close. It wasn’t much, just a peck of the head. Laurent pressed his lips against Makoto’s forehead, feeling the small man melt even more into his arms

Clark felt his blood boil from a distance. How. Dare. He. Try. To. Take. His. Makoto?

That night, Laurent was heading to Dorothy’s room to talk to her about how he felt towards her. As he open the door he was me at by a horrible sight.

Dorothy’s body swung back and forth, strung up by her neck on the ceiling fan. Blood dripping from her mouth, the room was trashed like there was a struggle.

Laurent fell to his knees shaking. Not Dorothy too..

Clark busted out of the bathroom holding a bat.

Laurent and Dorothy hung side by side. Clark smiled at his work, leaving a note on the nightstand. Lovers suicide, surely everyone would believe it.

Two bodies have been discovered

Clark held Makoto during the trail. It was a suicide what are they suppose to do?

“Suicide?” Casano shook his head “its more like a homicide”

Salazar nodded in an agreement. The two men had been in a messy business long enough to know when someone was covering up a murder with a suicide. So they did have a killer. But who?

Clark couldn’t contain his laughter. Oh. He had fail. How...interesting.

“YOU COULDNT JUST LET IT HAPPEN HUH?!” Clark snapped at the two men.

Makoto’s eyes widen as he pulled himself away from Clark. “Clark-“

“What? Oh baby..” Clark smiled at him sweetly “don’t be so scared, I did it for you. For us! Don’t you get it?! Laurent was in the way of us! And I couldn’t risk his little girlfriend seeing me killing him! So I took care of her first!!”

Makoto stared into horror. This...wasn’t the Clark he knew.

Clark was dragged away to his punishment, he kept yelling for Makoto.

“Baby! I did it for you!! Please! Come on! Baby! ANSWER ME!!!”

Makoto ran to Cynthia’s arms for comfort. The redhead covered his ears to block out Clark’s yells.

Clark died with a sickness, but they never knew what that sickness was.

Chapter 5

There was no motive involve this time. Sometimes a killing really is an accident.

Cynthia and Yao were auguring by a flight of stairs. It was getting heated. Kudo overheard and went to investigate. He tried to make himself the medium. He knew he had to calm them down, cause to things got messy, Cynthia didn’t stand a chance against Yao.

The fighting got worst, as Yao got in her face, Cynthia scratched his face with her nails. The man screamed in pain and walked backwards holding his face. Before he was warned, he felt his foot fall.

The big man fell down the stairs. Now a fall down the stairs can’t kill you, unless you land on your neck just right. That was the case for Yao. The man laid at the bottom of the long flight, with a broken neck.

Cynthia started shaking. She killed him. She killed him. And now. Oh god. She’s next.

Kudo tried to calm her down. Maybe they Can reason, it was an accident! She didn’t mean too. Kudo grabbed her by her hands and lead her to the kitchen. Some tea would calm her down.

Two bodies had been discovered.

Makoto felt sick during the trail. They had found both Yao at the bottom of the stairs and Cynthia in the kitchen dead. Thomas was quiet the whole time, staring at the ground.

Just as they began the discussion, Kudo confessed.

“I’m sorry...”

Kudo explained, he knew Cynthia would have faced a horrible death. He knew she was scared. He knew there was no way around it. He wanted to lead her out of this world in peace. A poison of the tea, nothing painful. She fell sleepily and that was that. She went out in peace.

Makoto wanted to be angry, but at the same time...Kudo was taking Cynthia’s place in a horrible death.

Kudo smiled cheerily as he was lead out to his doom.

Chapter 6

It was a homestretch, the motive was given to one person, and it was self driven. It was looking they were going to make it out of here. Right?

Thomas couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to be alive anymore. He thought he could make it out of here, but after seeing Cynthia dead...something pushed him over the edge.

The next few days, Thomas begged someone to kill him. He wanted to die, he couldn’t go through with suicide, so he needed someone to kill him. Salazar tried to smack the man straight

“Would Cynthia want to see you like this.? She want you to live”

“Cynthia........please...just...I want to see her again”

Thomas’ wish was granted.

A body has been discovered

Thomas laid bleeding on the ground. His head was broken open, a bloody bat next to him.

The trail was tense. There was so little people.

Makoto looked around and scanned the faces. Everyone suspected everyone.

“I’m sorry....”

Makoto bowed “I just granted him his wish...does that really make me a horrible killer..?”

Akemi screamed, no no no no, not her son. Not him. Not him. Not him.

Salazar looked at the young man..disappointed.

Casano huffed and shook his head “a killer is a killer..but...I guess some killing can be just”

Makoto stood up “I....I’m sorry...I...” he looked up “just want to see everyone again...” a sad smile spread across his face. “When you guys get out of here...make sure a sick game like this never happens again..”

A motive was the chance to see everyone again...but there was a price.

Makoto slowly walked to his death. Akemi tried to run after him, but was held back by Salazar.

When Makoto took his last breath, a door the three had never seen opened.

It was over......but why did they be the ones to survive?

Why couldn’t...at least Makoto survived?

#great pretender #the great pretender #grepre #makoto edamura #laurent thierry #edamura makoto #great pretender anime #abigail jones #cynthia moore #abby jones #dorothy great pretender #seiji ozaki #shi won kim #kudo great pretender #clark ibrahim great pretender #sam ibrahim great pretender #DV simulation #this basically turned into a mini fanfic

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night-rhea · 4 years ago

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MC House Challenge! ❤️💛💙💚

This is @kyril-hphm ‘s amazing idea! I wanted to do it daays days ago but... Some shit happens everyday right? And ı also wanted to try different style to draw hairs, ım sure one day ım gonna figure it out. (ı realized ı made their eyes color wrong...damn.)

So here ı am with my girls!

İts turn out a bit long, so ım putting this button here. İf you want to know girls better, just click it!

Gryffindor Night ❤️

She is LOUD. You think Slytherin Night is loud enough? Just wait to hear this Gryffindor's voice. Bill use her in the mornings when a few Gryffindor couldn’t wake up in the time. Also need a silent moment in the common room? Just ask her, ım pretty sure even Ravenclaw Tower can hear her "Shut the fuck up!"

Also yes, this Night is not shy about swearing. But she is mostly creating absurd swear sentences. "For the fuck sake Merula, ı dont give a fuck about your fucking power GO AWAY AND FUCK SOMEBODY ELSES EAR WİTH ALL YOUR SHİT" As you can guess, she is bff with Merula.

İf you cant hear her voice, there is 2 possible place she can be. Quidditch Pitch and detention.

She is playing as a Chaser and this is the one of the only way to shut her up. Like Rath, she let her skills speak for her. Even its just a practise, Night is always so focussed in game, sometimes her looks scaring Charlie away. She really loves Quidditch, this adrenaline. Oh and she loves the victory of course. That makes her second Skye. Poor poor Orion..

For the detention part, she is in there more than she is in her own dorm room. Unlike Slytherin Night, she is a fan of Tonks and Tulip's pranks and loves to mess with grumpy Filch. Also detention is not that bad. With Jae here, there is always a way to have fun. Charlie always says that one day Night and Jae's closeness will blow their towers up. Everyone is just waiting for this day. Even McG.

Lets talk about her relationship with Jacob. They were really close when they are little. Because of their last name's bad popularity (ım planning to explain this later), they didnt have any friend other than each other. When Jacob left home, she lost not just her brother but also her best friend too. (Lucky for her, in Hogwarts there will be Rowan)

She dyed her hair red right before coming Hogwarts. To show everyone how she is gonna be Gryffindor just like her brother. Also while everyone talking shit about Jacob, Night refused to believe her precious brother can do something bad like that.

giggles Wanna gossip about her? Like her best friend ,she has a big fat crush on Bill. You should see how she blush when Bill compliment her. She cant help it he is "too fucking cool"!

Night and Rowan spend so many nights to talking and fangirling about him. But after realizing that he see her as a sibling, not a lover, she was a little heartbroken and tried to date some other guys who is like him. She ended up single of course, because no one can be perfect like him.

İf you want chaos, Gryffindor Night is your girl!

Hufflepuff Night 💛

My favorite thing about this Night is her smile. İts so warm and full of love..I should admit she is the purest Night but she is too good for her own. This is the why she is entire Hufflepuff's little sister. Especially Diego's. But nor she or me can decide that he fancy her or just love her as a little sister. you know, because its Diego...

Not so suprisingly ,She loves to take care of her friends, just like Orj Night, but this girl is doing it more serious. She is the mom friend of their group. She is gonna make sure you eat all your meal and drink enough water. And if you didnt, well you need to deal with her. Also Night will remind you to take right books for your class if you two have same class. "Did you study for todays quiz? Oh why didnt you?! Come on ı can tutor you! We only got 11 minutes but nevermind that!" Dont worry she got you. Aand One more thing, she has best shoulder to cry. Im not kidding, she will hug you until you feel better and ı can guarentee you that her kind hug and angelic voice will help you calm down.

İn the other hand, Huff Night is not good at handling her own bad emotions. Her anxiety level is a little higher than other Night's.

She is not a "so different" person. İts her words not mine. Being Rhea makes her a little bit special of course but not in the good way. She is just average girl with a unlucky family, thats all. She loves her loved ones more than she loves herself, and always wish that she can be powerfull just to protect them. But sadly she dont believe she can, she is not like Merula. Not that brave or confident . Or Tonks. Not that talented. Or Penny. Not that pretty and popüler. Aah ah, this pure girl has a lot in her mind(or should ı say her heart?) but so shy to talk about them. Damn girl, go and talk about this to Rowan (While you still can...Can you imagine how she break after she cant save her best friend..?)

Enough, İts time to tell you happy thing about her life! She was very suprised and happy (but mostly suprised) when Merula ask Night to be her date. They started to date in fourth year. (Everyone thanked Night for making Merula more calm and tolerable. Night said that Merula dont need to be tolerated) Well they have their up and downs of course. Before Rakepick betray them, fifth year was pretty good (Night cried for her girlfriend when she learn about Merula's parent) but unfortunate thing that happened in buried vault, made their hearts to apart. Night still love her deeply and wishes she was powerfull enough to save her from Rakepick so they would still next to each other now.(I know ı said "happy thing". Thats why ı wont tell you that after Rowan's death Night thinks maybe its best if Merula far from her. No ı wont tell you that)

But dont worry about her! She is gonna smile no matter what because her smile can make someone else smile too! İf you love tea and cookie, please let her know your favorite cookie. Her mom sending her delicious Turkish tea and she will be happy to share with you!

Ravenclaw Night 💙

After Slytherin Night, Ravenclaw Night is my second favorite. I really love her general mood.

As you can see, she is the only Prefect Night. And there is simple reason for that, she is perfectionist. She didnt became Prefect because she wants to help others, she became one to make sure everything is right. All other Night helped their Rowan to be Prefect but Ravenclaw Night dont believe that other Ravenclaw's will listen Rowan. She herself is more suited, just like Chester. (She really respect Chester) But dont get me wrong, Night dont underestimated Rowan. She just believe Prefect should be more serious and Rowan's heart is so pure for that.

And unlike Hufflepuff Night, this girl have a lot faith in herself. When Night is doing something, she knows it will be perfect because she wont stop untill its perfect.

I should warn you about her, she loves to complain. "Damn ı have to do all work. Why cant you do anything right on your own? İt was easy, even for you. Go and do something else ım gonna finish this one. No stop wait dont do anything. Just. Go."

Just like this,she can easily tell "rude" words. Even if she didnt trying to be rude. She is just saying whats true! İts not her fault that truth is more bitter than lies. And sorry but truth has to be told. Even if someones heart can get hurt. Lies can make everything worse than a little heartbreak. İts like a poison that tastes good and late effecting. They should thank her for not poisoning them.

Her friends? She dont have a lot. Because of her rude attitude, a lot of people dont get near her often. Fine by her. She dont want "extras" anyways. Her little group of friends is enough for her. Also she have Rowan, right? Rowan is her true soulmate. This two girls can spent hours in library and this is their favorite hang out. Honestly all Night need is Rowan and some book, she can live without any other people, thanks. But she can admit Talbott and Badea are pretty good too. Especially Talbott. He is her second best friend, if she has to give it a number. (This two became friends a little too fast. They have so many similarities. Biggest one is "Fuck Peoples" motto. They even have a ugly t-shirt that saying that. Andre died when he saw it for the first time.)

I think her mom Selina is responsible for Night's reckless behaviour. She was already angry to Jacob for leaving her behind and being ignored by her only parent makes her..ıdk, like that? She tried so hard to make Selina to notice her daughter is still with her.Tried to make her portrait with her pastel pencils, tried to brush her long hair and dressed like a princess, tried to write " I love you" in her mirror. But little Night's little heart couldnt understand that pain of losing her son (just like how she lose her husband.) When she came to Hogwarts, she give up about her mom." İf a mother dont need to worry about her own child, then ı dont need to worry about anyone else too." But of course, she is not that heartless like she likes to think.

I think you can imagine that other students calls her names. Like "freak" or "selfish" or "egoist". She mostly just ignore them (because she dont believe they are worth to explain why she is not these name) and pretend like nothing had happened, Talbott and Rowan know she actually care and wants to be more "good". More "likeable". She is just making everyone uncomfortable when she walks in and she know it. But there is nothing she can do. İts in her blood. She is just like her mother.

I feel like ı talk too much about bad thing. İts time to tell moments when Ravenclaw Night smile. She dont have a normally smiley face but of course she smile. And you know what? İts mostly because of her boyfriend. This girl has a big soft spot for Barnaby. She literally melt every time he talk. İn the beggining she thinks he is just some stupid Slytherin and not worth lose any time but after being friends (which is a miracle) she can punch you in the face if you call him stupid. (Dont test about how hard she can punch.)

How the heck this boys heart can be this beautiful? Like, boy your parents nothing but shit to you how did you turn into biggest and cutest puppy in the world? And again, how did he love her? I mean, look at Night and look at Barnaby. They are so different and he can be with literally every witch in schooli and yet he is with Night. She dont know what she did to be this lucky but she is not planning to let him go. Just watch her.

(And ı dont know if she will notice you if you dont talk with her. She will talk with you politely at first, dont worry. Just try to not say something about her being bad prefect or something bad about her friends or boyfriend, you will be fine.)

Slytherin Night 💚

It's finally Original Night's turn to shine. How about starting with why she is most masculine looking Night?

İt was because of Selina. After Jacob left, he was the only thing Selina talk about. She talked about how she misses him playing violin, his eyes that he took from her husband, his gentle voice. Unlike Ravenclaw Night, this didnt make our Night angry. İt made her jealous. She decided that if she wants to make her mom happy, she should remind her Jacob. Maybe if she can do this, her mom would miss him less and smile more to Night. So she asked Selina to cut her hair like Jacob's.

While she growing, she tried to act like Jacob. She learned violin, wore his old clothes. She even answered when Selina called her "Jacob". And it worked. Selina started to smile more, started to talking with her more, even she cook special meals sometimes. Menu was always full with Jacob's favorites but it doesnt matter to Night. Her mom did it for her!

İn Hogwarts, she learned that she is nothing like Jacob. Hello, dissappointment. She was too loud, too energetic, too friendly. She learned that she can't be Jacob for her mom. At first, it freaked her out.

Thats why she didnt want to go Celestial Ball. Didnt want to wear dress and made her hair longer. (She did want. She just didnt let herself.) And when Andre and Rowan keep asking about,, Night finally tell them everything. You know what happened? Her two angel friends talked about hours how they love her in the way she is, how she dont need to be Jacob because its her own life and she deserved to be happy.

After a lot of hugs and crying, Night wore the dress that match her name, kept her hair short.

I made this too longer ı guess ( ı was planning not to tell about Slytherin Night...) but ı always wanted to explain why ı love her. İm proud of that she can make her peace with herself. Selina is still problem for her, and still will be problem in the future too but right now Night is free from the cage she made it herself. Of course sometimes her anxiety hit her and made her feel like she is all wrong but its not a something a few late night flying cant solve.

Am ı gonna make it longer because ı wanna talk about Night and Talbott relationship? No, there will be another time for that.

She is always open for more friends. Wanna play quidditch or make/ listen music or drink tea or cook something? Night will be happy to join you in literally everything.

#night rhea #hphm #hphm mc #hogwarts mystery #mc house challenge #Jacobs sibling

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lifeinthegladhouse · 4 years ago

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long personal post apologies to anyone on mobile, just...scroll on by...

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There’s so many things............I wanted to achieve in 2020, which is I’m sure what everyone has said. Somehow I still think 2017 was worse, but .... I don’t know. I was really alone then. I almost lost both my parents, this year I was safe with a better job, good partner, and only lost one (at least I got to see her once in a decade to say goodbye)....ultimately this brought me to heathenism in a weird and roundabout way. It’s hard to know she was really walking around with this poorly depicted Viking nonsense ‘false odin’ with cerberus (why?) going on, lord, she would’ve hated left heathens BUT ALSO wasn’t even a pagan to begin with (so she says, but being a pentecostal and having psychosis, while this does not a pagan make, made for a quite magickal and brutal experience). my mother was a trickster entity in living flesh. at first, i learned into having guides for the first time. i wondered if it was a coping mechanism, but i shrugged, because it was not my intention to see the numbers repeating, or the ‘loki’ every..single..day..for a week... in the weirdest fucking places... it was not my intention to lose my best friends in this city (which is not my final destination, ha) because they were too busy having poly drama, to, idk, support their friend, and then ghosted me, or came up with some weird passive aggressive bullshit. it totally dominated my 2020 - the pandemic, then mom dying, then the deities, then the loss. my card of the year was the hermit, i thought that was such a joke considering the pandemic. how could that then apply to me more personally? I haven’t had time or space mentally to recount the beautiful parts of the year because we’ve been stuck inside, inside during riots, inside during west coast smoke hell, inside where the spiders are. astoria was beautiful. it was god given. i knew what was real was real that day. it’s been seven months since mom passed, and i know her spirit has contacted me. it has brought me closer to my own spirituality which was accidentally rampant chaos magick that i was unaware of - introduced to me by ten years of tricksters who I never quite recognized. at the altar, id pull cards, i began to learn runes, and id ask, “were you always there? was that the presence that was always there?” I don’t know, much of the paranoid presence I felt my whole life ended when mom died. so much ended. i still want to write about it. again and again. because i forget that it happened, i compressed it so far back. everyone walked away and all that remained was my partner and the unseen. i would get straight answers on the altar, but never for that question. i never understood, and still hardly do, why loki came - was it to console me after the passing of my mother? somehow a veil had been lifted and my already wack ass intuition became 25% greater, somehow i felt seen and heard by others. at first, i was scared... i had always gravitated unknowingly towards tricksters and mercurial beings, loki came during the week of L*ghnasadh, after I’d been reading abt the ACTUAL “mercury”/hermes.... it was as if to be like, oh, you’re looking to NAME US FINALLY? THIS ENERGY, HERE _______. I was a little sheepish of Odin because of the association..... and I never quite got an answer. Sometimes still, I am struggling to understand this deity, however many a time loud and clear he and Loki have responded within the half-hour, be it some really weird ultra-specific shit to crop up, flickering shit, popping, knocking over. I turn to him frequently as, the more I read, the more I trust... this understanding of inarticulatable parts of myself - when I read about odr I was thinking of what this could mean for me, especially as a trans person, and it moved me. when I think about knowledge, and loss... when I think of the underdog vying that Odin (and of course Loki) represent, it is always with grace and honor that I am glad to be In It. I struggle tho, cos no matter how viscerally real my experiences have been, and no matter how little I would ever wish to disrespect them by denying faith, as a human who has run far from christianity and is skeptical of everything, every day, I’m like, ‘how much can I lean into this? is this ‘weird’ or delusional? am i acting like a child?” but, ..... I have learned from many smart and creative folks of the same ilk that we are not alone and the passage of time cannot destroy old gods so easily, and I am honored to be called to that. 2020.....that is.....to me, the year of death and rebirth. it was the only parting gift mom could give me. as she died, I told her I knew the lord had brought me there. I knew we had made it JUST in time, by many many strokes of good ‘luck’, to see her off. the last day we saw her was the last day she’d ever seen both her children together in her life. of course, she probably hardly recognized me. and she loved my brother more. had spent less time with him. oh lord, she did look at me with burning eyes of distrust and hatred, but that was not her fault. she was so ill. god she was so ill. dad joked, after she died, ‘maybe she’ll finally be in valhalla’, he didnt know what that meant. mom was a ‘devout’ christian woman of “god”. she was no pagan. she did not serve odin. but 2 months later when I discovered them, I heard his words ringing in my head, and I had to laugh. It’s been so hard...losing the queer comrades I had with me because of ? what ? exactly ? I still dn’t know, watching someone I spent 3 years being ‘close’ to basically patronize me that she always had reservations about us, never let me in, or get closer, like real friends, .... id cry and cry thinking, why, did i lose the one figure who brought me into this world, who i never had, for ten years, who abandoned me and hated every ounce of my being, and to confront this NOW in the middle of a pandemic, where i have zero way to the outside world to cope, and then to be left behind AGAIN by SO MANY PEOPLE, i felt Loki’s comforting presence. I’m trying to focus on the future again, that’s what 2021 is giving me. the “year” label, “when mom died” is over. even if that event forever changed my life far beyond that of a normal passing (?) I mean, it’s never normal when a mom dies, much less a woman like her, have mercy, it’s over. 2021 is the “year when we move to los angeles” its the “year when i start a REAL band again instead of be a side piece for a woman who cant get real with herself and her drum machine”, the “year when maybe ill take my adhd meds and hrt” we’re suspended in a stasis, there are big ups and downs. in two weeks i quit my med of 2 years, because it’s causing harm and i actually dont technically need to be on it anymore. im scared and excited. i need the change. i need the CHOICE.

#personalposting #long post #im SO SORRY IF YR ON MOBILE AND SEE ALL THIS #whatever its my blog ill write if i want to

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mousehole5000 · 4 years ago

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okay im rewriting tgcf (only in my head im lazy) here are my notes on hua/lian specifically this is long bc fuck it. major spoilers obviously and same trigger warnings as the content of the book

disclaimer disclaimer disclaimer that i dont know anything about the cultural background of anything in tgcf or story tropes etc etc this is just I Think It Would Be Neat If..

there’s not really any reason to keep hc as a kid in the backstory BUT in the story in the intro (which i like narratively) it still says that it was a child who xie lian caught. it’s one of those things that got added to the legend to make xie lian seem even more noble, there are also probably a few other inaccuracies in the intro that get found out as the story progresses. in actuality hc was kind of a known troublemaker to the city guards or whatever or had been in the past. maybe his mother just passed after a long illness and his tumble off the wall was intentional. either way he’s kind of pissed at xie lian for saving him. xie lian is concerned about his health so he has to stay at the palace for a while he recovers and only interacts with xie lian a few times. there is a point where he says out loud all the things about the divide between the rich and the poor that have been illustrated by the scenes with mu qing. feng xin tells him to shut up but mq goes dead silent bc he kind of agrees but can’t say and does have his loyalty to xie lian (its a whole thing) and the resentment begins

also i think young hc’s personality is similar to his personality in the present but a bit more reserved and he’s got like this plucky streak or something. also he is unquestionably gay

anyway hc sneaks out of the palace and xie lian catches him obviously but they have a brief little heart to heart where xie lian is like “look you can go if you want here take this money food” etc and demonstrates that he has actually listened to what hc has to say and hc is like “wow no one other than my mom has ever listened to me in my life so thats what that feels like i kind of like it” and he probably is a bit awestruck by xie lian in different ways and after that is like “okay this kingdom sucks but.. that guys not so bad”

sad ironic sense that if xie lian hadnt ascended until he was older he may have actually be able to do something about the problems in the kindgom but alas we have a cycle to perpetuate

the “take me as the meaning of your life” scene still happens p much the same but xl doesnt recognize hc who is actually now at his lowest point. hc tried to find ways to make things better for people like him but he simply did not succeed (maybe his were efforts quashed by the corrupt authorities? its implied probably) and he’s more disillusioned with the kingdom and life than ever but still is holding on to those memories of xie lian as proof that it doesnt have to be like this but that thread is slipping until!! whose fucking voice is that??? thats right its the one person you ever believed was truly good and went and proved you right by ascending to the heavens at age 17!!! guess its time to stan him forever

anyway hc joins the army but legally or whatever and tbh i would have hated the flower cave scene regardless of anything i just hate any sort of s*x pollen trope or anything so thats gone (they can have a wound tending scene or something tho thats the good shit) and instead we have HL getting overwhelmed by some other demons or something together and xie lian protects hc and they both get injured very badly (maybe hc would lose a limb but im not sure how that would work once hes a ghost so thats on hold for now until i figure it out) and xl is fine but this situation ends up being part of why mq kicks hc out of the army but yes hc still ends up dying on the battlefield anyway </3

the wuming stuff is the same i think but also at some point xl is despairing and says something about that guy he saved from falling and wonders what happened to him and fire ghost wuming is like !!!!! (wait does this happen in canon? honestly it should)

in mount tong’lu i was tempted to actually have hc have a similar moment to the bamboo hat scene with the humans who are trapped in there but im not sure if i just want it to be the same as xie lian’s story... also i like the idea of hc needing to hang onto his devotion to get through his first few centuries of being a ghost so maybe he’s just inspired by xie lian’s sacrifice with the sword and the souls and thats why he claws his own eye out as a sacrifice

so this can go one of two ways from here!!! both are me projecting hardcore so take them with a grain of salt im not saying im right about the way relationships should be these a re just my thoughts <3

1. (the not fun one but it still has a happy ending) the story more or less continues the same as canon. pure and simple devotion is what carries hc through the centuries. we get to see some ghost city antics and its fun but there is nothing complicated about the devotion hc just wants to find xl and protect him. hualian eventually meet. they get along pretty well!! eventually there are cracks. when you hold someone in your mind for so long you have expectations for them that no person can meet consistently. hc thinks that since he’s seen xl during the worst time in his life that he can handle anything but it turns out that as amazing as xl is, he is also just a person and sometimes he is wrong or irrational or annoying. xl is so happy to have someone who will listen to him talk that he kind of neglects to really get to know who hc is as a person and hc is kind of like “huh i didnt expect this but im kind of hurt. i genuinely thought that i just wanted to serve and protect you but actually im my own person and this is weird” but he doesnt say anything he thinks he has to stick to his promise and it gets kind of uncomfortable!! maybe his luck goes haywire bc his faith gets rocked for the first time ever and they end up having to talk it out but their relationship is stronger for it <3

2. (i think this one is fun) hc struggles with waiting. he does it but its hard. he has doubts and when all his efforts to find xl are fruitless he starts to grow bitter and curses the day that xl saved him. his faith burns low but doesnt go out. then ghost city!! hc realizes that he can finally help people like him, even if theyre ghosts now and hes grateful for the chance to do this and grateful to xl and resigns himself to waiting. but its still hard!! he realizes that his luck is tied to his devotion and gets kind of pissed about it!!! he tries to remember all the good things about xl but its hard!!! his search becomes more about repaying a debt so he can be free than anything else, he just wants to help the common people spirits with no strings attached (this actually allows him to keep his luck bc he has the same wish as xl and thats what makes him a true believer!! is this corny? does it make sense? i dont care) and so eventually when he finds xl he’s like okay how quickly can i repay this debt/how can i keep my powers but then xie lian is... so good... and hc actually really likes him he remembers why he swore his devotion in the first place. now hes conflicted!!! dont worry they fall in love tho <3

wow this was really long if you read this hiiiii. anyway when i reread ill try to pay more attention to yin yu and he xuan for hc’s 800 years. hua cheng we’re gonna get you some friends and lore i swear to god

#agenda on the whole: hc character exploration #more ling wen and she gets a gf #i am making fq so fucking canon #sqx also gets a gf it is not [redacted]#less pm less qr #more lady rainmaster esp relevance wrt to agriculture!! it affects so much!!!#mouse mumbles #tgcf textp #move

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years ago

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hxh RESUME

back at it again w/the hxh, heres my recap of the last few eps

ok so i totally forgot to recap that one ep at the end of the hunter exam arc lets see what i remember from like 3 wks ago lollll

i thiiiiink i left off in the middle of ep 21 lol. i really dont remember much tbh so im gonna skim the ep to refresh

exposition time! its so wild that if you lose ur hunter card That It like u cant get another or retake the exam hgabjdfuhasjf Ls

also the fact that you can sell it is rlly interesting

leorio & kurapika backing up gon as he confronts illumi again :’) good lil family

illumi u fool. gon is a shounen protag. he can do anything he sets his mind to

the fact that gon thanks illumi for telling him where killua is....hes literally THAT polite like...what a perfect boy

hisoka just fuckgin stepping out of the shadows....ok bitch

the fact that gon fucked up illumis arm that bad with one hand....boi is STRONK

AUGH AUGH AUGHHHH HISOKA IS SO CREEPY AUGHHH I HATE THIS BIIIITCH

ok but like is illumi implying that hisoka is a fr p*do bc uhhhhh thats so nasty oh lord. pls stay away from gon, and killua, and like everyone as a matter of fact

EWWWWWWWWWW I HATE HISOKA HES SO NASTY. PLS STOP MAKING P*RNO FACES IN RELATION TO 12 YR OLD BOYS.

no but rlly what IS hisoka gonna do now. im assuming he’ll show up p soon (tho probs not in the zoldyc arc like i thought bc its shorter than i thought)

ok the fact that they have the internet is hilariously wild to me for some reason....it just seems like this would be one of those fantasy shounen worlds with very little tech (a la one piece) but lol nope we can just google shit hvbhjdhjdfks

gon: it was fun when you beat me up for 3 hours and broke my arm! seeya dude!

i love gon he is so chill and doesnt seem to hold grudges except when it really matters (like hisoka and illumi)

hanzo has.....ninja business cards....thats amazing hvbhsdjkujfnd

dont worry pokkle, leorio was basically carried thru the hunter exam by various people and also won by default. he still deserves his license tho

an exotic game hunter sounds pretty cool! i wonder if we’ll see pokkle again. kinda doubt it? that sounds pretty firmly non-combat based, and therefore probably pretty far from any plot lol

so gons dad is a bigshot huh.....whatever hed be a bigger deal if he didnt abandon his son tbh

gon swinging his feet on the bench....sooo cute

so ging could restore a bunch of ruins but he couldnt raise his son...ok

im just gonna be bitter at this guy for abandoning the most perfect boy vhbhjfbsjhdhbfsk sorry dude but being a good hunter doesnt make up for being a shit father

gon is so precious ;_;

WHAT WAS SATOTZ GONNA SAY TO GON???

why does it look like theyre googling things on MS paint

ah yes, padokea, on the continent of Africa But Sideways

idk if i talked abt it before but the world map is WILD lmao i love how its all the continents/landmasses scrambled around.....im super curious abt that weird island in the top center of the map, thats the only thing that immediately sticks out as not having a real life equivalent

the music in this show is so charming :’) i love the main theme sm

gon is sooo precious i literally cant get over it. and his hurry to rescue killua is so sweet....and i love how naturally charming/charismatic gon is....pretty much everyone he meets likes him, especially leorio and kurapika, who basically adopted him after knowing him for like a day, and continue to be completely taken by him

ok wtf is satotz & co talking abt......do they know something abt ging that they arent allowed to tell gon???? shouldnt gon have access to the same info now that hes a hunter? i need ANSWERS

i bet this whole thing abt the hunter exam not rlly being over is a metaphor abt the hunter exam NEVER truly ending bc youre always being tested, or st

ok the ED continues to be So Much like especially the last shot where the 4 main characters look like theyre posing for a JC Penny catalog while the singer goes FULL metal-screamo

ok ruth and i just rewatched the next two eps woohoo

i love that there are tourist busses that take people to the front gates so they can like pose for pics and stuff vhbhjafdsfkj and its like ‘ah yes here are where the local assassins live!’ thats so funny yet it makes so much sense

i love that leorio passed tf out during the bus ride. big big mood

gon is so cute...hes like ok yes i understand that we’re not supposed to go in but i think they can make an exception for me bc im very polite.

those 2 dudes r so ugly and so dead god bless

that bigass buster sword....sir please

ruth and i rlly thot that the old guard guy was gonna turn out to be grandpa zoldyk or st lol

the fact that the dog managed to eat All their flesh but left some clothes....skill

also the dog is named mike but it sounds like the guy is calling him miku hvbjdfssk

this cant be the first time some morons have been killed here likeeee

i cant believe nobody has visited the zoldyk estate in 20 years damn they all rlly b havin no friends. depressing

the whole gates thing is wild. also that part where gon gets the math wrong on the weight.....BIG mood kiddo

ok the part where gons on the phone w/the butler is soooo good oh man. i love how gon just calmly dials the phone again after hes hung up on the first time and then YELLS....and leorio and kurapikas faces r so good

also the butler guy unfortunately has a point, it isnt foolproof that gon is here Legit....but he IS let him see his tiny bf :(

as ruth pointed out, the butler guy is reminiscent of kuro from one piece. same vibes

maybe if leorio was jacked like he is in the manga/1999 anime he couldve opened the gate that first time around....Ls

god i love this shows approach to Everything so far,....as ruth put it, half the time its like ‘oh wow they should do [x]/i wish theyd do [x] but ofc they wont cause its a shounen’ but then they DO do [x] and its like damn thats dope

anyways i love how gon is increasingly approaching situations with his Plucky Shounen Protag Attitude in full swing, and he pretty much gets shot down every time. BUT his general determination to see killua bc killuas his FRIEND and hes gonna RESCUE HIM is still a good and pure motivating force

like here, when hes climbing over the wall and hes like whatever i dont wanna have to deal w/being tested thats bullshit, i wanna see killua, my intentions are pure, im gonna try my luck with the dog....i was like ok yeah he’ll get over and like tame or defeat the dog and the guard will be suitably impressed bc nobodys ever done That before, and then gon will continue on to get killua

but NOPE instead the guard calls him down and explains that gon Will Die if he tries that, and then the guard will die too for letting that happen. and gon is like oh shit my actions have consequences for people other than me, wow.

and THEN the guard takes them in to meet the dog. and hot DAMN that is a scary creature. not even really a dog tbh. they did an excellent job making the dog Legit Scary and not just like, big and flashy looking....those eyes are so soulless, and the proportions are freaky

and the guard says exactly what i was thinking - that gon would use his Country Boy Woodland Creature Skills to workaround the dog....but then the subversion - this creature is NOTHING like the woodland critters gon is probably used to dealing with. theres no way gon stood a chance here. the guard just saved him from a really unfortunate death

i love all the Super Heavy Stuff in the servant house that seems so inconvenient vbhjdkfasjfld. also forgot to mention earlier but the guard guy being Absolutely Ripped was wild and kinda funny

training montage! gon continues to be so cute. and i love so much how leorio and kurapika are like no, you rest, we’ll take care of this. good parents!!!!

and then!!!! they sync up and use the power of gay love to almost open the gate. but then gon uses the power of Improbable Shounen Protag Healing Speed to toss that arm sling off and help out

i feel like leorio was side-eyeing gon like w8 a sec u broke that arm like a few days ago that aint right.....

oh man i almost forgot abt that scene with the zoldyks torturing killua :( :( this poor kid he doesnt deserve that

also mom zoldyck seems truly awful but i must say her aesthetic does fuck. the victorian-lookin outfit paired with the futuristic cyclops visor thing....excellent. also im betting this face bandages are from killua cutting her face

this family is so fucked up hvbsjdhjfbakdfn

killua telling his mom that gon is definitely gonna make it there :’) hes got such unshakable faith in his bf thats so good.....

back w/the gang, and immediately they run into more trouble in the form of the young girl butler, whose name i dont know, but i love her....her design is SO good oh man. a non-caricature black person? who also isnt sexualized? in MY anime??????

i love how gons approach to conflict is currently ‘let more powerful person beat me up for hours straight in hopes that they get tired or something idk bro’ like....i love him lol, is it in an effort to show how determined he is? he doesnt even try to dodge her blows or get around her....id be tryin to hop that fence lol

oh shit the tiny zoldyk kid from earlier is spying on them....she was w/the mom so im sure thats not good

when he punches the rock part and it breaks....strong boiiii

oh man that little flashback from when killua first came back and told her that he made a friend ;_; bruh

i love butler girl :( she wants to let gon but knows it isnt allowed....and as soon as she starts to waver BAM here comes mom zoldyck JFC that was so sudden and jarring....im assuming butler girl isnt dead cause that would be lame and anticlimactic

also IS THAT NEN??? NEN>>>??? NEN??? HM? NEN?????????

im so annoying abt nen i need to make one of those ‘is this a pigeon?’ memes w/’is this nen?’ bc thats me anytime anything remotely weird happens lmao

i do think its rlly nen this time tho

anyways shit is wild, cant wait to meet the full zoldyck family

PREDICTION CORNER:

as i said above i doubt hisoka will show up now bc this arc is a lot shorter than i anticipated. also im doubting that illumis even gonna show up honestly

i think we’re gonna have this OP for a while, as the part just at the end shows gon and hisoka fighting in what looks to be an arena, and ik the next arc is the heavens arena arc, which im assuming is the tournament arc....

also i have no idea what that weird building in the OP is but my guess is that its the building w/the heavens arena in it bc its tall and,,,,heaven

i predict there wont be much fighting in this little arc bc how tf else is it so short. at this point i rlly think gon is just gonna grab killua and go lmao. im super curious abt how thats gonna go down, considering that killua is currently strung up just bc he wont apologize...so i cant imagine his family would just let him leave w/gon. i wonder if killua will fight them, or if gons determination will impress them and then theyll let killua go (doubt it)

thats basically it....we’ll see abt the next few eps holla

#lj watches hxh #hxh #woohoo continuation

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endless-array-of-tom · 6 years ago

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Nightmares [loki oneshot]

Pairing: Loki x Reader; Loki x family (angst)

Genre: MAJOR FLUFF AND ANGST

Word Count: Around 2,000 words?

Warning: Starts off with some major angst stuff... I warned you

A/N: I’m off hiatus for a bit, and decided that I would be attempting to continue series and finish up/publish the requests that I got from a lot of people. I apologize for being on hiatus for so long, honestly I wasn’t expecting to be out this long. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the requested oneshot!

Summary: Loki has a nightmare, and goes to the reader to comfort him.

Loki’s gaze wandered to the fields of flowers, staring at the weeping willow by the small shimmering lake. Seeing the small figures playing around, his eyes glimmered. Running through the grassy fields, his arms extended forward.

“Mom! Thor! Odin!” Loki yelled, his pace began to quicken as they turned their heads. A sudden rumbling made Loki’s eyes widen, he gazed at his family.

“Run! Go!” Loki screamed, his family only smiled and turned, unaware of what was going on around them. The ground shook again, knocking Loki off of his feet. He attempted to stand again, but the quaking of the ground underneath him was too strong. Tears pricked Loki’s eyes as he crawled, his family only a few yards from him.

The world split into two. The giant hole was right behind his family, their panicked expressions made Loki’s stomach turn.

His father was the first to fall. Loki clenched his jaw tightly, slowly attempting to stand up. He didn’t know why there was a small feeling of regret when his father fell, but he wasn’t as important to him as the two others-- who seemed too horrified to move. His knees were buckling beneath him--but he ignored his aching body.

His brother and mother began to lose their balance. Loki’s vision was soon clouded, as his breaths began to come uneasy. Leaping outward, he grabbed his mother’s and brother’s hand as they began to fall, holding them as his life depended on it. The veins in his arms popped instantly, a rush of adrenaline coursing through his body as he stared at them.

“I can’t go…” his brother muttered,“... not like this.” Loki’s arms were trembling, his body slowly starting to slip into the hole. Loki’s mother, Frigga, gazed at him, tears forming in her eyes.

“Honey. Let us go.” Loki shook his head furiously, biting his lower lip. He soon tasted a metallic fluid but refused to think about anything else.

“I-I c-can’t,” Loki croaked out. “I’ll lose you. I’ll save you. I can do it.” Loki’s arms burned; his whole body began to feel like it was set ablaze. He couldn’t lose them. They were all he had left in this cruel world-- as much as he refused to believe it, pushing them away every chance he got. The truth was now revealed in the worst case scenario. He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut.

“Look at me, brother.” His brother rasped, Loki complied. The first thing he saw was his brother’s icy blue eyes, and how they were filled with sorrow. Loki’s never saw that look on his brother’s face.

They were always filled with hope.

Joy...

Happiness...

Faith...

“Loki…” his brother trailed on. “I want you to know… that I love you. I really do. I want you to know that--no matter what, I’ll still keep my promise to you. I’ll watch over you, I’ll protect you. But I need you to be strong.” Loki began to wail, he didn’t want to hear the ending, he shook his head frantically.

“No. Don’t finish it. I don’t want to hear-”

“Loki. I want you, to let us go. Live your life that you dreamed of Loki, you think I didn’t see the journals you secretly kept in your chambers?

“Do what you want Loki. Mother, father, and I--we’ll watch over you from above. And when the time is right--we’ll become a family again. But that won’t happen for a very long time.” Loki stared at his brother’s eyes, seeing the small tears drip down.

His brother didn’t cry. Because he was strong… so the fact that he was now…

“Loki, sweetie.” His mother interjected, she brought her other hand up to touch his cheek, Loki tilted his head to her hand, feeling the warmth emitting from it. Tears brimmed from the corners of his eyes.

“You’ll do great things, never forget that. No matter what anyone says, what anyone might do--you trust your own instincts. We’ll be beside you through your journey, and we’ll help you guide you to your happy ending.

“I love you, my son. But it’s time for your family to go.” Her grip on his hand began to loosen, Loki panicked.

“NO! You can’t do this to me! I don’t want you to leave! Don’t leave me! I’ll be able to help! We’ll all be safe-”

“Loki. Ever since you were little, you despised the word ‘goodbye’, so let’s just say we’ll see you later. Far from now. But we’ll see you eventually. Remember that.” His brother said, loosening his grip as well. Loki’s eyes flooded with tears, tightening his grip on their wrists.

“You’re not leaving me alone! I can’t be alone! I-I-I won’t be able to h-handle it. Who’s going to teach me to do things? Tell me to take risks? Who am I supposed to look to when I-I’m vulnerable. I-I can’t do this. I want to come with you.” Loki blurted.

“You’ll do remarkable things without us. Good people who care for you will guide you--and you’ll have great allies along the way. Trust me, Loki.” His mother said reassuringly. Her grip loosened more. “I love you.” His brother’s grip loosened as well.

“Do well, little brother. Remember--there’s nothing you can’t accomplish.”

Loki’s mind went blank. The ringing in his ears multiplied, uncontrollably shaking.

They were gone.

Loki gasped, jolting from his position in the bed. He grabbed an old mirror; his tear-stained face was disgusting. He looked at the mirror again, seeing the little boy with onyx bangs covering his eyes, his smile brighter than the sun itself. And beside him, were his two parents and elder brother, holding hands with one another. He threw the mirror across the room, hearing it shatter against the wall. He grabbed his tunic, squeezing it tightly.

He couldn’t breathe.

His hair stuck to his forehead, he scoffed. He hated his onyx hair. It reminded him too much of them. He checked the time, realizing that he wouldn’t be able to get any shut-eye before his day began.

His feet moved on their own. Making their way off into the bathroom sink, he twisted the handle, watching the water pour into the drain. He cupped his hands, letting the water fill them--the cold temperature making him feel more empty. He brought the water to his face, letting the cold feeling spread. He turned off the sink and ruffled his hair. He looked up, staring at his reflection.

“Remember--there’s nothing you can’t accomplish.”

“But I couldn’t save you.” Loki breathed out. “If I was able to accomplish anything, I wouldn’t feel so broken inside. I would’ve been able to save you, to hold you all.” He stared at his reflection, his bottom lip trembling. “I would’ve been able, to tell you all how much I appreciated you. But I was too selfish to admit that I did.”

“If I could accomplish anything--I should’ve told you all I loved you. Even when I knew I wasn’t going to be able to see you all for a long time. I could’ve even tell them ‘I love you’ back.”

Staring at the picture frame, he frowned at the old memory.

“I’ll see you later, mother.” He muttered, leaving his chambers… “because you never liked goodbyes.”

He blamed himself for his mother’s death, although he hated to admit it. If he wasn’t corrupted in such ways and shown the bloody monster to the staircase-- she would still be alive-- supporting her idiotic son. His mother was someone truly there for him, and someone that would stick along with him while his father would rant about Thor’s excellence.

He made his way out of his room, his feet moving on their own. He moved through the empty streets of New York, the flashing lights reminding him of his nightmare.

Slowly trudging up the driveway, he noticed it began to drizzle slightly. Hearing the rain, he smiled and looked up to the sky.

He paused his movements, letting the rain fall onto his body.

“Loki! What are you doing?” A voice interrupted his thoughts, one that seemed extremely worried. Loki opened his eyes, face-to-face with a cross figure.

“What did I tell you about standing in the rain? Get inside for crying out loud!” The figure bickered, pushing Loki into their house. Slamming the door shut, the figure sighed.

“I have a change of clothes for you, from the last time you were here.” Loki nodded his head, silent. The figure immediately picked this up but decided not to ask right away.

“I’ll make us a cup of tea while you change-- after, we can talk about it. Is that all right?” The figure asked, cupping Loki’s cheek. Ice cold.

Loki nodded, grabbing the change of clothes and made his way to the bathroom.

“Thank you, (Y/N),” Loki whispered, kissing the top of (Y/N)’s forehead. (Y/N) hummed in response, making their way to the kitchen.

When Loki arrived in the kitchen, (Y/N) had set the kettle down on their dining table, pouring the hot liquid into two teacups. Turning their attention to Loki, they grinned sadly.

“Have a seat, Loki. I have all night.” Loki nodded and sat in his chair, grasping the teacup gently. Taking a sip of the sweet substance, he stared at (Y/N).

“I presume you’re here because the incident occurred again?” Loki nodded slowly in response; (Y/N)’s eyes widened, setting his/her cup down on the saucer. Loki stared at the ground, hearing a chair scrape against the floor. Two hands grasped his, making Loki stare at the figure.

(Y/N) smiled softly, sitting on Loki’s lap. Wrapping his/her arms around Loki’s torso, [s]he buried his/her face in Loki’s neck, inhaling his scent softly. Rubbing his lower back in small, calming circles, they began to hum softly.

Loki wrapped his arms around her/him as well, listening to their voice. The silence of the atmosphere soothed him, his breathing beginning to get closer.

(Y/N) removed themselves from Loki minutes later, leading him to their bed.

Making their way out of the room, Loki grasped his/her hand tightly.

“Don’t leave me too,” he pleadingly spoke out. (Y/N) inhaled deeply, tucking herself/himself into bed beside Loki.

“I won’t Loki, you know I won’t.” Loki frowned at (Y/N)’s statement; would she be around him… and for how long?

Loki wrapped his arms around (Y/N) tightly, his demeanor changed completely when he was down and depressed.

In the morning, he knew that he would be back to being a sarcastic know-it-all, teasing his lover to the brink of exhaustion; but in moments like this, he knew he could depend on (Y/N).

(Y/N) knew that Loki was someone who needed a lot of comforts, he had experienced so much as a child, and not to mention his life overall. And (Y/N) wanted to there for him, not out of pity, but as a sign of commitment; that he/she cared for Loki so dearly, that they were willing to embrace Loki’s differences, and help him overcome his demons he had troubles dealing with.

It wasn’t hard either. Loki didn’t like to converse about it-- unless he was completely distraught, the sheer touch of someone he cared for around him, was enough to comfort him in the toughest times he faced nowadays.

You stared at Loki’s sleeping figure, sighing to yourself. No matter how much he did, or what he did, you still loved him; even after all the damn things, he put you through.

Grabbing your phone, you quickly messaged Tony.

[13:02] FYI, I’m going to be with Loki for a while, so don’t send the damn Avengers like you did last time.

[13:10] All right, thanks (Y/N).

Shutting off your phone, you smiled and cuddled closer next to Loki. You loved him, everything about him made you feel like you were soaring. And you would do anything to make him feel happy and know that he had a place in the world.

Your eyelids began to drop slowly, losing consciousness.

...

What you didn’t know-- was that something bigger was about to emerge from the unknown, and test your limits…

thank you, next request should be up soon!

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robinskalechip · 5 years ago

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home - chapter two

robin buckley x reader

warnings: smoking, mild language

a/n: i really enjoyed writing the first chapter, idk how long this will exactly be but let me know if there’s anything else y’all would like to see. also send me hc requests!

not my gif!

chapter two - homecoming

robin had been an hour into her usual after school shift at the video store. steve was sat next to her at the counter reading a comic book dustin gave him.

“i can’t believe you’re actually reading that” robin joked

“ya know i didnt think i’d like it but this professor dude is actually pretty cool-“

before he could finish his thought, the two pair of eyes were immediately captivated by the chaos coming from the store entrance. dustin ran into the store without even acknowledging steve and robin, but immediately turning back towards the entrance where robin recognized a familiar denium.

the girl was yelling at someone down the street, faint barking could be heard, “I DONT CARE IF YOU SAID HE DOESNT BITE IF I SEE A DOG RUNNING AFTER ME, IM RUNNING NO CHANCES MRS. MENDEZ NO CHANCES!”

she closed the push-pull door aggressively and was still panting, trying to catch her breathe until she locked eyes with the hair himself. the smile robin had been thinking about all day had made a tremendous comeback, causing her to smile without her even noticing.

steve’s voice interrupted robin’s mild fazed moment

“MILANI~~”

“HARRINGTON~~”

“MILANI” steve yelled once more as the two ran to each other, steve immediately lifting the girl up and spinning her in his arms. robin’s heart dropped a little. of course.

“PUT ME DOWN OR I SWEAR TO GOD ILL MESS UP THAT PRECIOUS HAIR OF YOURS IN TWO SECONDS FLAT”

steve dropped the girl out of pure fear

her smile quickly turning to a face of slight anger and annoyance as she yelled at dustin, “nO HORROR MOVIES I DONT FEEL LIKE GETTING YELLED AT BY YOUR MOM”

dustin hurriedly put the film back on the shelf and relocated himself to a different genre.

steve was still smiling like an idiot, “when the hell did you get back? oh oH-“ he moved to the counter and disappeared from the girl’s sight for a few seconds and re-emerged with a lunch container in hand. he showed her the box, still smiling like an idiot and placed the box on the counter. once opened he took out a chupa chup lollipop in the flavor of strawberry and presented it to the girl. she stared at him with a blank expression for a few seconds, robin watching confused but also intrigued. the girl grinned and snatched the candy from steve as she said “i got back last night, here for ma” steve’s expression fell.

“yeah i heard some old ladies talking about your mom the other day, i’m sorry sof”

“i’ll be okay harrington, gives me an excuse to come back go hawkins and see the kids and my oldest friend and his legendary mane”

“oH OH IM SO SORRY! sofia, robin. robin, sofia.”

robin chuckled, “we’ve met dingus but it’s the thought that counts”

robin and sofia smiled at each other, perhaps a little too long because steve cleared his throat to make conversation. he was the only one who felt awkward in that silence. “i heard you were in new york, how are things up there”

sofia broke her eye contact that robin and her had held in order to answer steve’s question. “um yeah i work for a paper, get paid pretty well, eat good pizza, and smoke some decent weed here and there, life is good”

dustin interrupted the conversation by placed two film selections onto the counter. sofia picked both up and handed them back to him, “nu uh. one. its a school night, no double features” dustin looked at the girl with furred brows “you’ve been gone for how long now? i need to catch up on lost time and lost movie dates. it’s bad enough you were going to take mike out instead of me on your first night but you’re also going to limit our time together? are you really going to deprive me of that?” sofia lowered herself slightly so she was closer to his face, “you either get two movies and no snacks or one movie and snacks.” the boy quickly picked up one of the films and rushed to return it back to its place while picking up three packs of candy on his way back to the counter.

robin chuckled once again and looked at dustin, “date?”

steve laughed, eager to explain the context before either dustin or sofia, “yeah so when dustin and the rest of the boys were younger, sof’s family would always hang out with mike’s family, so she was around them a lot. they ALL had a crush on sofia so she would do a movie night with a different kid every week”

dustin looked at sofia with a smile, “but im her favorite though...right?”

“honey you know will was always my main man, besides you have suzie poo”, she said mockingly but in the nicest way possible.

they all laughed as sofia payed for dustin’s findings and then adjusted herself to where her elbows were now resting on the counter top. “what time do you guys get off?”

robin was finishing up bagging the items, “8:30 and then the overnighters come in, same most nights”

sofia contemplated, “that’s a little late for dustin but do you guys want to hang out after as three? or maybe this weekend? i was recently informed that sam was throwing a party down by old lake. i was gonna go, see some old friends”

steve laughed looking at robin who joined sofia in holding herself up via elbows on countertop,making them lose a great amount of the space that had been between them, “well I would love to accompany you to the party, unfortunately robin has to do the overnight due to her inability to have faith in my skills”

“skills?”

robin gave steve a look of annoyance as she explained “we had a bet that if he got a girl’s number before we ran out of airheads that i would do the overnight this weekend, we’re both free after work today though if you wanna get a bite”

sofia smiled at her, ignoring steve who was playfully flexing his muscles unironically , “ok, harrington” steve stopped once robin turned to look at him. sofia continued, “meet me at larry’s after work? and be a gentleman and give the beautiful lady a ride” she pushed her elbows off of the countertop and before turning around to leave, she gave robin a wink and harrington a smile. as she walked out she reached into her pocket and brought a packet of cigarettes to her mouth, grabbing one with her teeth.

with the unlit cigarette still between her teeth, she used her back to open the door as she let dustin go through before saying “nine o clock”

robin and steve watched at the two walked down the street, the girl lighting her cigarette in the process

steve looked at robin, “well, looks like you and i have a date”

next chapter

#robin buckley x reader #robin buckley x you #robin x y/n #robin buckley #robin stranger things #robin x you #robin x reader #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things

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babeejeon · 6 years ago

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tag tag tag

@livlovesbangtan and @gukieyoongles tagged me, thanxx 🤭🤭🤭

I wrote too much stuff and also stupid stuff, feel free to pass it if it bores you. But it really relieved me to get these of my chest.

little rules our game has is;

*tag the person who tagged you

*answer the questions

*tag 10 people

i am starting ahahaha!

1. how tall are you?

I am 163 cm i guess, but I haven’t have measured since 8th grade and actually I feel like I haven’t grow since then. And my lil sis is even taller than my ideal height, ugh cryyy... Is there any one magic to spare me a few centimeters 🙏🙏

2. what colour and style is your hair?

My real hair colour is dark brown but i colored my hair with some temporary hair dye at the end of 2017 and around february 2018, 2 times. I dye it to a colour ‘Toffee Caramel’ and since my hair has really dark colour i didn’t expect it to change my hair colour too much but i think it did. Actually the dye was popular and also under nice brand. So i trusted and it was saying only for 28 wash or something <sorry i couldn’t translate 🤭🤭🤭> But i still have that dye at the ends of my hair but it looks horrible but my hair is so damaged. I cut it short, it doesn’t get longer and i don’t know what to do. I want to dye my hair in darker colour, similar to my real hair color and have my own colour back but my sister doensn’t let me do. HELP!!!

3. what colour are your eyes?

Dark brown 🤭🤭🤭 listen this song 😉 this song for all the jungoo lovers..

PS: I might write somethings about this song 🤭🤭🤭

4. do you wear glasses?

Thankfully no. Because glasses never look good on me, even sunglasses. Maybe because i have sharp and thick eye brows but i love my eye brows 🤭 🤭🤭 But everyone in my family wears glasses due to eye problems so i might wear in the future.

5. Do you wear braces?

I never wear braces and actually i am scared of dentists so i am glad.

6. what’s your fashion sense?

Actually it is very complicated. I might like anything. But i am not so into popular fashion sense, i sometimes find it weird or can’t like some fashion trends no matter what.

I like to wear anything i found stylish and what wanted to wear and if feel that suited me. Actually if i feel confident with my clothes, hair, make up and over all look, my day starts so nice but if not, nothing helps too much. But lately i am in a depressive mood, especially at college and i feel super fat and ugly and i had other problems. But i am in a spring break and i hope to start motivated to new semester.

I love high waisted jeans and short tshirts. I dont like thick sweaters because i feel suffocated idk why. I love wearing short sleeves any time. I love sneakers. I love cute clothes.

7. full name?

I dont want to expose my real name here, I mean friends i have here know it but this post can be seen by everyone and i dont want anyone from my real life to find me so i am passing this question, sorry 🤗🤗🤗

8. when were you born?

I was born in 1999 and @gukieyoongles i definetely agree to you about being 90′s child ahaha if my older sister read this she would laugh at this 90′s child part but yes i am 😒😒😒

9. where are you from and where do you live now?

I will pass this question too, sorry 🤗🤗🤗

10. what school do you go to?

I am in college or university, I don’t know the difference between them, please enlighten me. We use university in my language but to be exact i am undergraduate student.

11. what kind of student are you?

I used to be number one student because my mother was primary school teacher, my father is professor at university and my sister studied in best schools. So i had the effect and actually i was so focused and used to this thing. But in last semester of 10th grade my life turned upside down in the aspect of success. I lose it so fast and it added up my depression, I felt like only speciality i had was being a succesful student and now i am nothing. But i actually lost my motivation that times so i didnt put some effort. But due to my 10 years of hard work, I get the chance to get into nice university.

I am still lazy and unsuccessful but lately trying to get better so wish me luck 🙏🙏🙏

12. do you like school?

I dont like it but that must be something with my self. Because after 2 semesters i still couldn’t adapt it totally. I hate being alone at school but also i am not such a social butterfly. So i feel confused. I have friends but i feel awkward sometimes. I don’t know adult life is so hard.

And also i sometimes feel like i hate my major but sometimes i love. So when the lessons are hard i cry and feeling like i dont belong here. So my advise is studying your dream job. but i dont have one, so yeah 😫😫😫

13. favorite subject?

Actually none, engineering majors suck. I love English lessons because i only feel confident in them and understand things easily and sometimes enjoy. But it is also about academic sides of English, so not very fun.

14. favourite tv shows?

I don’t watch tv, also i don’t watch tv shows online too. I sometime start series on Netflix or some korean dramas but lose my interest soon. I AM BORED BORING 🤐🤐🤐

15. favourite movie?

I don’t have an exact one but I love Harry Potter films and Midnight in Paris as the ones i remember. I recently watched To All The Boys i Loved Before, Like for Likes(korean film), Shazam and enjoyed all there of them. But i don’t have a favourite one because i don’t watch a lot.

16. favourite books?

I am not a good reader of real life books because i might lost my consciousnes with fanfiction and fangirl stuff. But now i really want to read somethings, but have no time, but will try my best. This year i finally read Pride and Prejudice and love it too much. *searches for her Darcy hopelessly* 🤭🤭🤭 I also read a book related to Pride and Prejudice, it’s name is Austenland and it slapped me in the face about reality. If someone read it, dm me, i really need someone to talk about it without giving spoilers.

Also i read last year Stranger by Albert Camus. I don’t think i understand it exactly but it gave me this feeling in my chest. I think a lot of people probably read it, I would also love to talk about this book if you dm me.

I read all Harry Potter books except the last one idk why. But i read them in 8th grade. I know I was pretty late to read them but I was scared of Harry Potter 🤭🤭🤭 But now I reminisce that year as the best year of my life despite the fact that i was preparing for high school enterance exams. So Harry Potter holds a lot of emotions and memories for me.

17. favourite pastime?

Wasting my time! Spending all my time on social media. Sleeping too much. Listening music with my earphones and stare outside dreamily. Doing some penpal and bulletjournaling projects(i cant do lately tho)

But in everyday life my favourite past time is listening songs we like while my sister is driving us to school. We also talk, gossip, laugh, sing along. We do it everyday while commuting and i enjoy it too much. Our school is pretty far and i dont really enjoy car rides but sometimes i enjoy this time too much that i want it to last longer.

18. do you have any regrets?

Too many. But i can’t change them. So best thing is focusing to future but I am a person who lives thinking past and lost chances or mistakes so it ruins me. But actually to live it free, forgetting and trying to not to do them again is the best.

19. dream job?

I dont really know, but something that can make me happy. I want to go to work eagerly, enjoy my work and be proud of with my life. Something that can satisfy me and make me improve myself.

I had dreamed to be singer similar to @livlovesbangtan . But I might hate singing if I have the responsibility so no. I would love to sing and annoy people while showering like Namjoon. 🤭🤭🤭

20. would you ever like to be married?

Yes, i would love to. But actually for a very long time marriage scared me. Because of the people around me and our culture. My dad and mom had rational marriage so it also made me lose my faith. Also i see like everyone marry and streotypical life starts. People work, have childs and WHAT!!!

I am not necesserily living for marrying. I would never, if I can’t find the love of my life or i can’t trust someone. But i am such a hopeless romantic, I want to experience pure love for someone and get the same love back. It doesn’t sound so realistic so I might find it ever. But still i wish.

I want to have someone I can trust but actually it never happens in real life. Or i can’t like someone in that way, i always find some flaws. So i really need to fall in love miserably to not to see anything and love someone too much, but i don’t know if i can.

I want my s/o to propose me in a night picnic, alone and out of sudden. I would love him to carry the ring in his necklace and didn’t plan to propose exactly. Like he wants to but doesn’t know when, so he carries it with him. And that night with outbursting love, he would propose me and i accept and we have surprise weddding that night by our selves. UwU *dead*

21. would you like to have kids?

I am not sure. First of all, I would marry to spend all my time with my s/o not for having childs. <saying this just because a lot of people around me does like that>

I love kids but I am not sure. Like they are so cute as a baby and child but what if i can’t stand while they are in puberty?! 🤭🤭🤭

Also i sometimes feel like ‘why did i born? i didn’t want this? i don’t want to live!’ . Also feel like what if my child feels the same? Also think it is selfish to bring someone to life because we want to but life is just for suffering. Idk, i am pretty pessimist sometimes. And i dont know 😭😭😭

but i love babies, especially when they hold my forefinger with their whole fist. *cryyyyyy*

22. how many?

Idk, bro.

23. do you like shopping?

Yes 😉🤗🤭 i love to buy stupid things that i dont need or use.

24. what countries have you visited?

I only visited UK and actually i loved it 😍😍😍. Also spent one day in Georgia, see around in a one day trip. But i would like to see more.

25. scariest nightmare you have ever had?

Let’s not talk about this. I see stupid, weird, annoying, scary dreams too much and i hate it.

26. any enemies?

I used to have too many, but actually i realised it was one sided hate. They annoyed me but didn’t give any fuck. I hated but it only effected me, they continued carelessly so i decided to not to have one. I feel annoyed and dislike and hate people but control it to not to effect on my life. Also i try to not to have any fights with anyone. If i really don’t like them i ignore them etc.

27. any significant other?

Not yet but waiting for him to find me!

But i can’t pass this without mentioning jeon the dork jungkook. I love him 😍😭🤭

28. do you get along with your family?

I love them and i am very attached to them but also fight with them time to time.

29. do you believe in miracles?

I believe but don’t believe i will have one.

30. how are you?

I dont know. Not too bad, not too good, enjoying but sometimes bored but sometimes tired of this life but sometimes enjoying too much???

I warned at the start so i don’t know if someone is reading still. but thanks for reading and feel free to talk to me about this stuff.

I tag everyone who wants, please tag me so i can read your answers. as the 10 people thing;

@teanites @artjjk @nochuuuenthusiast @yoongspeach @iamsadsstuff @mintseesaw @jeons-wasabi @arthoejaebum @yoongithes @kayakookie

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tellmethatwellbejustfine · 5 years ago

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Taylor Swift: Lover album

22 August: I was studying for my prelims which are trial exams you write before finals (just for anyone who didnt know). It was a biology prac the next day so there wasn't a HUGE lot of work to study but I was also studying for other subjects too. Although for the past 3 weeks all I could think of was 23 August Lover comes out while the other girls kept saying to me “ Janelle there are much more important things happening” so I ignored their petty backchat and went home to study whilst listening to all the other singles that were going to be on the album.

23 August: OMG TODAY IS THE DAY!!! It was 6am, but because I live in South Africa, there was still one hour until the release of Lover. EEKKK! My mom was a bit worried and curious as to why I was so excited for the "biology prac”. As soon as I got to school around 6:45 ish, I ran to the school library, ripped out my earphones from my pocket and as soon as it hit 7am, the TEARS CAME. AHHHH TAYLOR ALISON SWIFT. My absolute role model. The girl who changed my life and is the reason I write my own songs (not ready to sing them in public though - stage fright). I loved every single second of the songs. I did my bio prac later that day and needless to say that I finished 10 minutes before everyone else so there is nothing more important than my girl Tay. I can't pick a fave, but there were two songs that just touched my heart.

Cornelia Street: Girl, Tay, how do you do it? I have never felt so much and so ughh I don't know the word, but I just felt like it was so raw and personal and vulnerable about the fear of losing someone and never going to the place that would hold the most captivating memory of that person. I loved it so much. I really want to thank you for that song. OH WHO AM I KIDDING GIRL THANK YOU FOR THE WHOLE ALBUM AND JUST BEING YOU!!!

Soon You'll Get Better: Ahhh and here we just take a deep breath as I have no words for how touching this song is. It is beautiful and your mom and the rest of the family including you are deeply in my prayers. The past month has been chaotic. (I play the cello). So I have my music exam coming up, my audition for university (need to tell you something at the end of this), my school exams as well as my mom's doctor appointments. She started having pains in some areas and was worried as to what it could be. She is constantly driving me up and down and paying for extra lessons for me with school and my cello lessons. She is honestly a superhero, but this month, I suddenly saw how worried and scared she was. Last week we went to a doctor's appointment together and the doctor said that her blood pressure was even higher than the last time and more worrying. My mom did blood tests to test for some stuff and this weekend the results came back clear. You're right, desperate people find faith. I always believed in God, but I have never talked to him so much, telling him of all the countless things she does for my dad and I and how she always puts everyone else first. The doctor did tell my mom that becasue of the high blood pressure, she is at risk of having a heart attack and needs to take medicaction. When I heard this song, Taylor I have never felt so scared of the thought of losing my superhero. Moms are incredible. They have our backs and will always be our number one supporters.

So on a lighter note, about the audition for university, I am studying music next year and it is all because of you. You taught me to follow my dreams and I don't want to waste any more time. So thank you so much and hopefully one day (if my music works out well) I might just be playing on one of your songs. OMG DREAMS. Okay Janelle you need to calm down (haha).

Anyway Taylor thank you for everything that you do. No matter what the media or the critics say, Swifties are an army and we have your back 110% @taylorswift

Love,

Janelle

#taylorswift #taylornation #swiftie #swift #alison #lover #review #forever #in #love

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candyclan · 6 years ago

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Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

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lesbianboobees-blog · 6 years ago

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Coming out cont: Mom

Hello lovelies!

I've been meaning to post for a while, but I've been super busy, and life has been crazy.

So.. I came out to my mom a few weeks ago. It was unplanned to say the least.

A little back story. The past few years I had a plan: pay off student loans, save for a house, buy a house. I would talk to my mom a lot about it. But, living with my parents for the past 3 years has not been good for my mental health. Constant anxiety and irritability, followed by depression. So when I finally paid off my government student loans, I was ready to move out. However, I realized that buying a house by myself seemed to be a huge undertaking. Not to mention taking care of the house alone. I did a lot of research, and talked to my mom a lot. Eventually I decided it would make more sense for me to move into an apartment right now. Sure, I could've stayed with my parents for another 2 years and saved up enough for the down payment on a house... but my mental health was more important. And besides all of that, I really wanted to come out to my parents. It is important to me to come out to them before the next presidential election. I'm hoping they will think twice next time they vote. Also, I know my dad will not handle the news that I am a lesbian very well. And I cannot be living there when I tell him.

So it was decided, apartment it is.

I had casually mentioned my decision to my mom during my aunt's birthday lunch. She asked why, and I told her a few reasons. Later that afternoon, I was in the kitchen baking, and she kept asking me why I'm moving now. "Why not stay and save for a house? That's what you wanted right?" My mom is a no nonsense kind of person. She is the most rational person I know. So I understood why she was confused. While she was asking these questions, I had glanced at my dad who was in the living room, and told my mom I would tell her later. She caught on. My dad got up to go to the bathroom, and she immediately asked "does it have something to do with your dad?".

Split second decision, fuck it : "yes mom. I'm gay, and I've been wanting to tell you guys. But I dont think dad is going to handle it well, so I'm not going to be here when hes dealing with it."

Silence. Dad came back to the living room.

Holy fuck, my nerves were so shot, I could barely finish baking. Went outside to smoke and couldnt stop freaking out. It was the silence. It terrified me. I kept telling myself "she didnt say anything cuz dad came back" ... but it didnt make a difference. They both ended up leaving for a church thing and didnt get home till after I was in bed.

The next day. I'm gonna talk to her. Somehow I will get her alone so we can talk. I got home from work... they were both gone at a church thing again. I think it was the beginning of lent, and they were doing some mission thing? I obviously am not involved in the catholic faith anymore.

2 days later. Same exact thing. They both were gone until late.

3 days later. When I got home, they were gone again. Started losing hope about talking to mom. Finally, right before I was getting ready for bed, mom got home before dad. At this point. My nerves were so bad, I couldnt bring myself to say anything about it. It was hard enough talking to her about normal stuff because I didnt know how she felt about me being gay. I tried to act normal.

Then. She did this thing. I will do my best to describe it.

She came up to me, put her hands on my cheeks, and nuzzled my forehead. It felt so primal, so instinctual. "You are my child, and I love you unconditionally" she didnt even have to say it, it was loud and clear. I wish I could put into words how powerful it was. She smiled, and kissed me on the forehead. I went to get ready for bed and cried. A good cry. It was just so powerful and meaningful to me. So relieving after the days of intense anxiety I had been experiencing as well.

I was so thankful for her doing that. It was scary, but I am glad I came out to her.

Now we will talk when we have time.

Except, we still haven't talked. Its after Easter now. I will have the courage to bring it up eventually. But I also have been pretty busy because I moved into my own apartment the beginning of April!

Things are looking up. It's still been a difficult process, but I am making progress.

***A note to anyone who is thinking about coming out to someone, I highly recommend making sure you will have time to talk right when you tell them. The waiting is terrifying and miserable. Even if they need time to process, be available and ask them if they have questions. Let them know you are open to talk about it. I'm still trying to get there, and I really wish it was part of the original conversation when I told her. It would've been so much easier having a conversation then than trying to bring it up weeks later.

#comingout #lesbian #lgbtqai #single wlw

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aakristinejoyce · 5 years ago

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Growing up, I honestly didnt know what's special about you ma, what makes you a mother. I remember fragments of how we used to be...

You and papa had a big fight, we ended up running away and went home to amang and inang.

Papa hurt you verbally that night, I remembered it correctly. I was laying in bed, and I promised to you things will be better while crying. After that, you told tita what happened and the both of you mocked me for a long time.

You always say I'm adopted many times, that my mom was really that crazy person roaming around our neighborhood. I remembered jumping in front of you and hugging you so much while crying.

It was my birthday, you said we'll have an overnight swimming. I waited from morning up to night, being dramatic, when you went home I had my tantrums. I didnt recall what happened next.

I was elementary that time, I get used to going at your office after class. I'd like to draw and play rubberbands. I got curious with the red button behind your desk, I pressed it. You got mad, you hit me at the back and bought me sprite after. I didnt know that's the police signal for emergencies.

I got off the hospital after a month, I was wearing my cast and my face is still bruised from the fall. You insist to let me wear that yellow blouse I hate so much. We went to the mall after, you let me choose a book, I picked a quiz book and answered it the whole vacation.

First year high school, you got the news I was 7th at class. You and papa got mad the whole night. I felt bad about myself. The next day, someone was selling high tech mechanical pens, I want it so bad. You bought it for me.

We went home together that night, it was raining so hard. Little did we know, the path going to our house was flooded. We walk through that flood, with frogs jumping around us. Inang gave me boots, I didnt know what's that for. I find it funny, cause it didn't make sense, the water reached my belly.

I got chills one day, my feet are sore cold, I am crying because of the pain Im feeling. I'm having my UTI, they are attending my needs. I saw you at the back, you are painfully watching me cause you can't come any closer.

We always walk home, we stop by our favorite chicken stall to by chicken skins, sometimes its your favorite mani, or your favorite ihaw ihaw.

You called me one time to go home early, it's because I had to harvest your plants at farmville, and plant watermelon into it after. You are so addicted to supermarket dash and sally salon I can't use the computer for myself.

You supported me one time I need to take a picture of me 1p years after. I wear your uniform, your heels, your glasses and take a picture at your desk. You were smiling at me while ate tin takes a picture. Are you proud of me right now?

Every day, I didn't need an alam clock to wake up ma. It was the tambo knocking our ceiling so loud with your matching voice saying we are gonna be late. 6AM sharp. We have to eat breakfast. I miss eating breakfast.

It was your turbo liempo and chicken I always miss, your shanghai and inalamangan every outing, and your chicken nuggets Josh can eat everyday and I used to hate cause of the breading I miss.

All these are kind of pushed memories I try to reminisce because I didn't want to lose you in my mind ma. You know how forgetful I am. But there are three memories I will never ever forget. The reason I keep living, the reason why even if it's hard to get through, I keep on striving to be better.

We got home from school, you had been called by the principal to settle the problem. I did disappoint you that time. You and papa were talking, little did you know I was listening. He was so mad, and in the verge of loosing it all, I heard you said, "Si Joyce pa ba, babawi yan". You were the very first person who had faith in me ma.

We were walking home, you just finish your chemo session. We were talking about things, this scenario's a little blurry. But the clearest part of it was when you said, after all these cancer, you can't wait to be part of the CFC program. Your devotion to God has always led me closer to Him ever since ma.

Lastly, that day you went home after all your chemotherapy. I knew you were so tired of fighting but you still do. You're resting in my room. I always check on you, but never check on you alone cause I was afraid that you'll say good bye. Someone went downstairs and it's just you and me, you told me to come closer, I did. While crying, you said you're tired of fighting. You told me to take care of Josh, that I am capable of the responsibility, that I can do it. I was crying but you assured me that I can, you believe in me. You can rest because you knew I was there ma.

You faith changes me, that's why I'll never stop having faith in people.

Your devotions keep me going; what I do, what I fight for, what I live for is right.

You putting your hopes in me keeps me assured that I can do it, that I need to do it.

You have taught me enough, and you are still teaching me right now. I love you so much ma, no words are enough for me to express how I miss you. I do miss you so much.

Losing someone you love truly changes you, your life, your world, your everday will never be the same again. You'll always wonder how things will be if that person never left. But, the Lord put an incredible love in me. It'll be okay, I am okay ma. We'll get through.

You make everyone at home with your presence ma. You didn't make bridges for people, you are the bridge. That's your power ma. I see the hero inside of you. You are my hero.

Happy mother's day, my hero.

#llh

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