#my mind cannot comprehend!! why cant anyone talk about this

[annadelveys]

i have no idea how to handle chrismas this year... i get very depressed around Christmas every single year & this year i did everything in my power to prevent it and now I'm once again a complete wreck... idk what to do, it seems like I'm surrounded by people who "don't want to think about bad things", my mum wants to discuss Christmas dinner with me like wtf!!!! a bunch of kids just died!!

[askew-d]

Hello...Have you watched Haikyuu movies? It's great....And we got lots of Kuroken moments and "that"one Kagehina moment.... So, as Kagehina shipper, have you ever ship Hinata or Kageyama with other character? For me, I have read Kageyama with Oikawa fic (I enjoy it but not really into that ship, all the time thinking of Iwaoi) and Hinata with Atsumu fic (one of my friend love that ship, wrote a fic and asked me to read them). And as much as they're all good, my otp will always be Kagehina. Like they were made for each other and it has to be them...

Do you also have other ships that you love from MDZS and TGCF? Sorry, if you asked me this, I have at least 8 ships in total from those two series, all of them are non canon (Xuexiao, Xiyao, Zhuiling, Beafleaf, Fengqing, Quanyin, Peihuang, Xuyue)....

Sorry for this random and long ask, hope you don't mind....

hello, anon!! sorry i am late for this, hope you understand. life has been crazy, haha. anyway, let us go: i did watch the haikyuu films and recently in was at the cinema with a friend watching the dumpster battle, let me tell you i was OVERJOYED!!! heavens, i could not control my anxiety. though my friend also likes the anime, she isnt as obsessed as me and didnt even finish the last season when we talked about watching the brand new release, so i had the OUTSTANDING experience of rewatching it with her so we could buy the tickets after!! i lost count of how many times i watched it and how many times i made other friends try it out (at some point, i recommended it to even one of my students during a totally unrelated discourse, hahahaha, hope he shares his opinions once this winter break finishes).

since i watched haikyuu about... five years ago? i must have rewatched some seasons more than ten times. its my comfort show! love every film also. about the ships, kagehina is my endgame, but i definitely love kuroken, iwaoi, bokuaka and sakuatsu (though i consume kagehina content much more). of course every ship is valid, i cannot judge anyone, however, i personally cant see hinata or kageyama with anyone else and do not read stories too focused on other relationships :) i can comprehend why fans see something with oikawa and kageyama, or even oikawa and hinata (considering their interaction in rio), but i do not settle with it in my heart. its just profiles and options, anyway! dont mind, dont mind.

i agree with you. for me, they are soulmates through and through. perfect for each other. one is the promise, the other is the anchor. they might be one of the couples i have seen anywhere that matches each other's vibe the best.

about mxtxt works, my favorite side ships are moshang and beefleaf. i can see the appeals in each one you mentioned, but i just never quite got interested to the point of reading about it, sorry!! some of them maybe its because they did not have a finale extra shot, or at least they were not as spoken/seen together as they were individually. for fengqing, though i like them as a side couple in hualian fanfics, i never quite got engaged in their story together, many times they just annoyed me (god, im scared of saying that and people coming at me, but there you go). but i know they have their values and some interactions i could almost forget my light, petty resentment for their actions and laugh along. beefleaf though? mobei-jun and his creator shang qinghua? heavens, i wanted to see more of them.

so, this is it! do not worry about asking whatever and whenever you want to ask. i love coming here to answer them when i have the time. thank you!! hope you can spot a nice sunset and take a relaxing shower today.

[soliddaddy96]

talk to me about what pers thinks about gunner or the effect gunner has on him

HII so sorry went chatterbox mode . uno momento

i think in the beginning pers was a leetol hostile towards gunner. out of apprehension and also not being able to comprehend why gunner would go out of his way to help a person like pers/having nothing to gain from it (i think abt rp ....). this, however, leads to him finally starting to see the good in people . 2 me < if not seeing goodness in himself, he sees it in others !! sees it in gunner seeking out help for him despite bleeding nd Maimed himself ! pers almost immediately grows fond of him after this revelation, coupled with the fact that despite seeing him in his most vulnerable moment gunner didnt actively try to hurt him (most he did was like, piss him off briefly) . in the future i think hed b practically Attached to gunner . out of love nd also not knowing what he is Without him. he also doesnt question things gunner asks him to do cos he trusts his judgement Immensely as a leader nd as a friend (gay pride flag). and also uhh . ex agent urge 2 follow orders nd what not. additionally i dont think he enjoys being open 2 gunner ill be real . views his experiences as deserved and fears if he speaks about them itll be confirmed < deathly afraid of gunner agreeing with him/saying he did in fact need to be tormented and was out of line for fighting back. i think hed only share tid bits of it w him tbh

HELP this man is so affected . i think he feels weak whenever hes around gunner, tbh . how despite going through the Horrors gunner still holds himself as a proud and accomplished person (in pers' eyes), whereas he gets nervous whenever he hears a door shut. i think hes most prone to act tough around gunner than anyone else in the gang- his attempts at trying to make up the fact that hes factually useless. hes eternally grateful that gunner feels safe being vulnerable around him < makes him feel that despite being weak theres at least One person that trusts him enough to do so . i think hed try to get better for gunner, not out of like . "oh i love you so much you inspire me to get well ^_^" but instead a "im going to try and be someone you deserve. im sorry im the one you love" type way

ALSOO extra thoguht so sorry but i remember you sending that 1 post thats compared them 2 hit song i bet on losing dogs by mitski and i become ILLLLLL OH MY WORDD . cos ok. theres two perspectives on it and the first one fits so well 4 pers nd his whole mindset

so the first interpretation of losing dogs is that its a toxic relationship in which the narrator knows is truly Over they still find themselves flocking back to it !! they know they cannot win/cant have a happy ending but still believe in their partner/the losing dog. which fits pers soooo much bc he views the gangs/gunners attempts at helping him (2 me i think theyd b understanding of how he has little capability of violence left within him < teef nd claws . which were key parts of his fighting as well as him being unable to hold a gun properly anymore, which in his mind renders him as a useless, worn down weapon in desperate need of termination) as them pouring time and valuable resources into a hopeless cause, aka HIM !!!

the second interpretation is that the dog, being a person you love deeply, is fighting a conflict (either a physical or mental one) that you see them succumbing to but cannot interfere with. and in spite of how dire it looks for them you cant help but long for them to and bet on them Winning. and when they (inevitably) lose, you lose along side them!! you process the same pain they do as well. nd when youre asked why you bet on them despite them constantly losing, you answer you bet on losing dogs because YOU need the things you give them. you need someone to look at you and give you unconditional love and benefit of the doubt. you need someone with unwavering and unshakable faith in you and your ability to succeed despite the fact you seemingly almost always lose. and when you DO fail, they wont abandon you, and will remain by your side as you writhe in pain even though youve caused them hardship. you bet on the losing dog because youre seeking a promise in it- the promise that theyll be by your side even when you fail in the same way. even when youre the losing dog . this is persgunner coded 2 me

also umm. sily doodle

[dirk-has-rabies]

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on)  and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes.  gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are  (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao,  or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella)  some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do.  we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert)  this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing.  allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD  are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it)  has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance”  SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

 in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a  certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed  by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate)  since a lot of people roll their eyes at that  and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly.  Autigender  is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

[idealnreal]

Please overanalyze the shadows in his palace I am begging you.

@appleyjuiceboy​ / jester owns my braincells of course i would do this for u

Okay so i think its best if i go about the order of shadows we meet in the game so. I’m not going to go into the persona/shadows in maruki’s palace. I’ll leave that for some other day. Now! Lets hope i can remain fully coherent.

1) The fluffy haired noodle shadow we meet for (ka)sumi’s awakening

First off, look at the design of this shadow--it has the fluffy hair parted to the right like maruki, its androgynous figure, and that swirly face mask as well! The mask has two eyes, and it even looks like theres a smile there, lopsided. 

We have never seen any other palace shadow taking a similar shape as the palace ruler (except maybe the yaldaboath palace). Shadows are meant to emulate what the ruler thinks of as protectors of their heart. Maruki doesn’t trust anyone other than himself with this secret. And particularly at this phase of his distortion -- there are no scientists, to attendants, no patients. Just an empty, beautiful palace -- with possibly only one type of shadow and protector. The type that represents himself. 

(Also androgynous/nb maruki confirmed ?? yes)

Okay then lets look at what this shadow says to Kasumi.

Shadow: ... Heresy. You dare to spurn our lord’s mercy. Accept yourself... Our lord laments the foolishness birthed from your pain.

Having the context that Kasumi is Sumire here ... Because this scene comes about because Kasumi sees a cognitive version of herself (Sumire) blaming herself -- and so, a part of her is probably trying to remember that she is Sumire. Thus ‘spurn(ing) our lord’s mercy’. And yeah accepting herself as Kasumi instead of trying to remember that she is Sumire. 

But most important is the fact that Maruki’s palace shadows refer to him as a religious or god-like being (’our lord’s mercy’ calling back christian themes). Someone who is merciful and, most of all, does feel grief over one’s pain. Painting an ideal picture of a loving and caring god, ala abrahamic religions. This is a running theme with all the shadow’s dialogs. Let’s put a pin in this for now. 

These design shadows are seen again later in the container room of the palace. They’re slightly faster. The container room is a strange one -- because it doesn’t quite fit in with the rest of the laboratory/hospital/garden of eden thing going on.  While yes labs and hospitals do have storage areas, i cant imagine them being a container warehouse like this. I do headcanon that this is a storage area for the pain and suffering that Maruki has taken on from other people in order to heal them, due to his hyper empathy -- but i’ll analyse the room some other time. For now it’s interesting that the Maruki-like shadows are now relegated to this specific and really dark section of the palace.

Like the throne room/centre of eden that the Maruki boss fight takes place in -- He resigns himself to the darker gloomier parts of his palace. And the same goes for these shadows. This is where he belongs. 

Also abso-fucking-lutely we’re going to talk about how this shadow transforms when it ambushes you:

Skin suit opening up to reveal fangs and rows of teeth, and a formless monster inside. Maruki ... dude ... are you okay? If these shadows are meant to emulate him -- is this how he sees himself sometimes? HHh boy...

2) First lab coat wearing shadow at the start of his palace investigation

Prior to this, while we understood that Maruki was a researcher, it was never a defining feature of him. Like the first thing that came to my mind on Maruki was that he was just the school counsellor and snack purveyor. Now this entire researcher, scientist, side of him is in full display. And this is the most common type of shadow we see, some which are violent, and others are non violent. Maruki sees scientists as the main residents of his palace -- his drive towards investigation and discovery, to puzzling out the intricacies of the human heart, human mind, and human pain. To better further his ability to heal. But there’s also a sort of cold, methodical nature to these scientists. Their ‘healing’ is methodical, based in science.

This coupled with the religious reverence and ideology that their dialog suggests, is a nice contrast. Experiments, data, research, are people’s salvation. Not the simple belief of a deity or of a higher purpose -- but science. Science, in many ways, becomes part and parcel of their religious belief.

Shadow: Those guises ... You aren’t among those who desire salvation. Leave. You are unwanted intruders. Do not disturb our lord’s research-- this world’s salvation. Why do you willingly strive for self-suffering? Why are you reaching out to your own pain?

So here -- the shadow wants them to leave the palace well enough alone. To leave Maruki to his research, and to allow this reality to exist. They don’t want this to end violently and it seems like they’re okay with the trio not ‘desiring salvation’. And when the trio refuse to leave, the shadow asks them why they want to suffer. It’s something inconceivable to them. Maybe even challenging their resolve-- to reconsider their current path, which will only lead to more pain. Also ‘salvation’, ding, on the christian theme counter. Deliverance from above from sin, even redemption. Not for one person, but for the whole world. 

We see this type of shadow again before the scene in the auditorium. 

Shadow: You are misguided. Do not search for pain. Only tragedy awaits you beyond here. [After defeating it] Such a fool, rejecting our lord’s mercy. In that case -- witness it for yourself.

Same themes. Delicious. Lets move on now shall we.

3) Hastur -- the shadow that appears with Maruki at his reveal as his second-in-command / bodyguard

I don’t think i’ve talked about how much i love the lopsided smiles on these masks. Because i love it. it’s just the right amount of unsettling and creepy. fUCk. And the twitching, twisting, and the weeping blue paint that Hastur’s shadow form does before transforming is /chefs kiss. I wanted more.

Anyway, onto Hastur’s design. Not a labcoat this time, just an ordinary looking white suit with no tie. This is the only time we see Maruki have a bodyguard shadow -- something else he relies on. Hastur’s presence in this scene only shows how deeply afraid and uncomfortable Maruki actually is with intruders in his palace. This experience is a reminder that someone had come into Rumi’s parents house to kill him years ago (a theory for another time). Like that incident years ago, he doesn’t resort to violence here -- he did and does try to negotiate. But when that didn’t work, at least now he has something that can fight for him. 

( It is only in the second infiltration when we see Maruki actually take a more active role -- but I won’t get to that here. )

Hastur: Stubborn imbeciles, rejecting our lord ...

There is a running theme here, unfortunately. The shadows again cannot comprehend why anyone would choose to reject Maruki’s salvation, why anyone would choose suffering. And words like ‘foolish’ ‘misguided’ and finally ‘imbeciles’ here are all used to describe those who choose to reject it. While i do think Maruki only bends reality if the person wishes it (subconsciously or consciously), and does accept that there are people who won’t accept their wishes being granted and is aware of the reasons why-- He cannot fully understand or emphatise with it. 

4) These deformed Maruki-like shadows guarding the control room

Jesus christ above, i don’t like these, because they contrast with all other designs as these are more brutish and deformed. There’s used as gatekeepers at certain points of the palace, in the first control room, and later on in the brain-pod-room (my brain cells are stopping to work now excuse me) before the garden puzzle portion, at his final will seed and the entrance to the garden of eden.

We know Maruki isn’t a brute strength kinda person. And yet we see these few who’s only purpose is to defend certain things and areas with force. Its uncharacteristic, but at the same time, given the things that these shadows are defending -- it makes sense. No cunning, no wit, no negotiation, no compassion -- just forcefully defending very important parts of his heart and his work. 

Shadow (at the control room): So you dare defy His Excellency. You shall not interfere with our master’s work!

Shadow (brainwash room): Foolish rebels! You won’t take one step past here!

Shadow (entrance to garden of eden) : You?! I can’t believe you’ve made it so far ...

I had to do a double take on this. I think this is the only time this title ‘His Excellency’ has been used in the palace. While it is used for catholic bishops and that sort -- its mostly used in the context of heads of state, ambassadors-- more secular roles. The other times this shadow speaks is also similarly less reverent, less religious orientated. Of course this makes sense if the only function of these shadows is to use force to defend. They’re not the scientists or the first maruki-imitation shadows -- they’re not as devoted, and they dont have to be. 

5) Finally, these limbless noodles

This one is found during the horticulture portion of the palace. I can’t exactly figure out why. And as far as i can tell, they only appear in this portion of the palace.

As far as the design goes -- these are probably the most unhuman like. Slender, androgynous with only a mask. I’ve got nothing. Braincells ran out. Sorry!

(Haha androgynous maruki go brr)

SO! That’s it. thanks for coming to my ted talk and following me down this rabbit hole. I need to go and drink some fuckin tea. 

[reeree1500]

The Return- Part 10

Disclaimer: YALL IM SO SO SO SORRY.😭😭 I have been horrible and not updated this story for at least a month.😬 I can explain though... University has been kicking my ass and between that and my co-op placement at a law firm.😅 Ive had absolutely no time to do anything😩 BTW IVE MISSED YALL SO MUCH❤️And Ive read all your messages and asks. And yes my mental health is now better and y'all are so understanding and supportive 💕 honestly could not have asked for a better group of individuals☺️❤️

Part 1 part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 part 8 part 9 Part 11 

Anyways onto the storyyyyy.....

Warnings: ANGSTY AF (kinda figured out that im probably a smut and angst writer at this point🤷🏽‍♀️), sucky ass grammar and spelling like always, my cliche imagination and the fact that Im probably a horrible human being😬😩 Also made it extra long cuz I felt baddd 

PLEASE DONT KILL ME FOR THIS ONE😬

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @affection-rabbit @amy8220 @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 @ivarthethiccness

Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough

Arthur’s POV

“Arthur please! Open the door my love, I know what it may seem like to you, but I assure you that its not.” (Y/n) pleaded from the other side. I sat down on the mattress in our chamber contemplating whether or not it was true. Should I believe what my wife so desperately is trying to reassure me off. Or should I stick with my gut feeling and tell her how I have felt for the last 4 years. Her constant pounding on the door finally gets to me and I make my way to open it. “I wish to be left alone at the moment (y/n).” Her arms circle around my waist and I can feel her face wetting by back with tears. “Arthur please, talk to me. Why have you run off. You know that I love you. I do not want him, all he does is bring me pain and you take that away. So please, talk to me!” (y/n) murmurs into my back. As much as it pains me to do so I pry her hands off of me and sit us down on the bed. All I do is long for her touch, but this is not okay. I cannot keep feeling this way and go on pretending that I could have ever stood a chance against him. “(y/n), look at me. I love you and I always will. But its evident that you love him. and I honestly can say that I know I will never stand a chance against him, because the thought of you possibly running back to him has always been on my mind since the day we got married.” 

Her eyes showed so much pain that confessing this felt as if I was driving a knife through her heart. “Arthur, I love you. What can I do to show you that. Yes I confess that I was in love with him, but that was long ago and I have left it in the past in order to build a future with you. Whom I love and who I share and will continue to share beautiful children with. So please don't shut me out, Arthur.” She says leaning our foreheads together and holding my face in her gentle hands. “Ok, however I want to be able to process things by myself. So I have decided to have the guest room across the hall prepared only until I figure things out.” With out giving her a chance to fight back, I place my lips on hers and savour the kiss as if it were our last. Meeting her eyes was something I wanted to avoid as I knew that just looking at her broken expression would make me change my mind. I hastily make my way out of the room, but sneak a quick glance over my shoulder to find my wife staring off into the direction where I once sat. With tears streaming down her eyes...

Your POV

What had I done? Why was I such fool to not see what my husband was clearly going through? Millions of questions rushed into my mind about how to go about this situation. I loved Arthur, I was clear on that. But he spoke the truth, there was something in me that could not let Ivar go and it took hurting my husband and Ivar to figure that out. As I sulked I forgot about the doctor whom I had asked to see me earlier. I was having really bad stomach pains and my breasts were more tender then they had ever been. So I wanted to make sure that I was not sick, as that would have been the last thing I needed on my plate at the moment. “My Queen, are you alright? Do you wish to push back this appointment, I dont mind coming by later when you're better.” The doctor spoke from behind me. “Yes, it seems so. Ill let the servant girl know if I need you doctor. Im sorry for the inconvenience.” “Nonsense your majesty, it is my pleasure to serve you.” With a bow the doctor retreats from the room and Im left to my own thoughts once again...

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“(y/n), wake up... its seems that you fell asleep on the floor. Come on I’ll help you up.” Upon hearing Hvitty’s comforting voice my eyes flutter open and I cant help the tears that song come down my face like a cascade. “(y/n)! are you alright are you hurt anywhere? Why are you crying?” Hvitserk’s eyes scan my face and my body looking for the source of my pain, which is held in my heart, but he’ll never know that. “Arthur... He...” I try to find the words to say. “What! What did he do! Did he hurt you? I swear ill kill him!” With that Hvitserk tries to let me go and run out the door, but somehow I manage to stop him. “Hvitserk, No! He didn't hurt me. I hurt him... He believes that Im in love with Ivar, and I fear that their maybe some truth to it...” I say just above a whisper, with my head held low. “(Y/N), Ive known that since before you were married. It was obvious, but I would never say anything to you because I found that it was best if I kept such observations to myself, before I found out about your father.” Lifting my head and staring directly at him, I move my head to the side with a puzzling look. “What do you mean about my father, Hvitserk?” Hvitserk now mirrors the same lost look that I have on my face. “I thought thats why you and Ivar had gotten together, because Ragnar’s not your father...”

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Ivar’s POV

“Aghhhh!”Is the sound that comes out of my gritted teeth when the medicinal herbs are placed on my face. “That hurts like a bitch, get out! Ill do this myself if I have to. GO!” I yell at the servant girl who tried to cleanse and tend to the cuts on my face. “Ivar,  please let the servants tend to you. I still cannot believe that Arthur punched you in the face. Hehehe, you deserved it though, how could you question the paternity of his children and not expect him to want to kill you?” Bjorn laughs as he chugs the rest of his drink down. “Well, if you actually cared about your children and the heir to your throne, you’d also be quite upset to find a Christian King claiming to be their father. Those children are mine! And its pretty evident, just look at Marjorie. She's my spitting image.” I snarl at him as the anger begins to rise in me again. “Ivar, thats your mistake and why you’ll never get (y/n) back. You believe that everything should be yours. And that people are things you can govern over, but they're not. Because those are children. And yes they may be yours, but you cannot take away what they have known because you want to be selfish.” He says with a stern look on his face, whilst getting up from his chair and making his way to the door. “Now get ready and fix yourself we have a intimate dinner to attend to with MY sister and the love of your life.” Unbeknownst to us, there was Freydis on the balcony listening to our whole conversation. And little did I know that it would come to be the thing I regretted the most.

At the dinner I notice (y/n) sit on the opposite side of the table from Arthur. This wouldn't have affected me if it wasn't for the look on both of their faces. They seemed distraught and broken. Arthur masked it well, but (y/n) was an open book for all of us to know exactly how she felt at that moment. Not much talking happened, besides Marjorie and Erik shouting at each other on who was better at riding. They reminded me a lot of myself and all I wanted was to tell them the truth, that they were my children and that they would go back to Kattegat with me to learn about the true gods and not the fable that had been told to them about their so called ‘God’.” “(Y/n) are you alright, you do not seem quite like yourself tonight.” Bjorn states with a concerned look that we all share. Even Arthur looks a bit concerned, but his body language makes it seem as if he is alright and nothing is wrong. “Sarah, could you please put Marjorie and Erik to bed? Its getting late for them and they have their lessons early in the morning.” She says with a stern and cold look in her (e/c) eyes. “Su...sure your majesty. “ At that Bjorn stands up as if to accompany Sarah, but is quickly stopped by (y/n)’s icy glare and venomous words. “Sit your ass down.” At that we all look astonished, but Hvitserk only stares at her with sadness and what seems to be sympathy. He must know why she is like this then. 

Bjorn slowly sits back down on the table. A shocked look graces his face, as he cannot comprehend why she is acting this way towards her beloved older brother. “How long.” Is all she grits out through her teeth. “What do you mean, (y/n)?” My eyes meet Hvitserk’s own and the realization dawns upon me. She knows...

--------------------------

Your POV

“Stop with the bullshit! I cannot take anyone else lying to me!” I scream as I bang my hands against the table, stunning everyone in sight. “How long did you know that Ragnar was not my father! How long have you kept the truth from me! How long have you known that Athelstan was my father!” I could careless about everyone staring at me as if I was a mad woman. I had been lied to my whole life. All I had known had been a lie, and the people who I trusted the most in this world had been the ones keeping it a secret from me. “(Y/N)... I..I’ve know since the moment you were born. But father had sworn me into secrecy and I could not break a promise. This doesn't change anything though. You are still my sister and you will always be.” Bjorn says in a haste as tries to come closer to me, but I step back and move as far back as I can. “Did you know? Tell me! Ivar did you know that we were not siblings!” Ivar didn't even have to answer. I knew from the look in his eyes that he too had been lying to me. 

“I knew.” Arthur says staring right at me. “I knew that you weren't his daughter and I knew that Ivar wasn't your brother. But I kept that information from you because all I wanted to do was have you by my side. I’m sorry, for the pain I have caused you (y/n). Im sorry for being selfish and not telling you the truth, but I now see that I was wrong and as of tomorrow you are free to go back to your country. I promise that your title and lands will not be taken from you or from the children. May they be mine or his. But I cannot go on with this facade anymore.” Arthur says in the most calm demeanour as he stands up and comes to me. “You hypocrite! How dare you make me feel like shit for harbouring feelings for Ivar when you knew all along and knew that my whole life was a lie.” I scream as I run at him and slap him across the face. But before I can get another punch in I feel a strong grip holding me from behind. From the shocks and the utter feeling in my stomach I knew it could have only been Ivar. As I try desperately to release from his vice grip, my whole world comes crashing down when Sarah enters the room. With blood all over her.

“Your highnesses...Erik.... he.. he..” She tries to say through her shock. “What! What is wrong with my son!” Ivar, Arthur and I scream at the same time. “He.. he’s dying!”

------------------------------------------------

We all simultaneously run after Sarah towards the doctors quarters. Ivar with his brace on, manages to run faster than all of us and busts the doors wide open. if I wasn't so worried about my son or upset about the fact they all knew Ragnar wasn't my father, I would've been impressed. “What are you doing! Get away from my son!” At that Ivar rushes towards the doctor who is bleeding Erik out. Grabbing him by the collar he slams the doctor on the wall and his sclera go into bluish hue, showing that he is in danger of breaking a bone. “Ivar stop it! Let the man go, he is just trying to help.” “Help my ass! I will not let you harm my son, do you understand me! I will not let you harm him!” At that Ivar lets the doctor go, but not without staring him down. And the doctor looking like he is about to shit himself. Rushing to Erik’s side I notice something strange. The colour of his skin is now fading and his eyes have bags under them. But what hits me the most is the memory of Uncle Rollo teaching me about poison. “He doesn't need to be bled, he needs medicine. He’s been poisoned...” 

“Mama! What is wrong with Erik! He will be okay right? He has to be okay!” Marjorie begins to say as she shakes with fear. Before Arthur or I could say something to console her, Ivar bends down and takes her hands in his. “Marjorie, listen to me. Your brother is a fighter and so are you. After all were related aren't we?” Ivar says as he lifts her chin. “Yes..I suppose that we are. Is it true what they say though? Are you our father?” At that Ivar turns to me looking towards me for permission. At this point I think to myself how hard it was to learn my whole life had been a lie and that I would not want that for my children, so I nod. “Yes, Marjorie I am your father. And no your mother is not my sister. It was something that we had to say because she needed to be kept safe.” He says ever so calmly. “Safe from who?”She questions “From my mother. Your grandmother.”

Cough*Cough* Spurts of blood cover me in seconds. My attention becomes focused in on my son again. “Where is the damn antidote! Please someone hurry!” At that Hvitserk runs into the room with a small green vial. “Here take this it should help him. Lagertha gave it to me before her and father left. Something about it would come in handy some day. Here.” Shoving the vial in my hands I open it quickly and lift Erik’s head. “Drink this Erik. It should help you, my darling. Please be strong, I know you're scared, but you’ll be alright ok. Everything will be ok.” I say through tears. Today had been the worst day by far. “Mira... please help my son. I know you're always with me, but please help me now. Pray for my son and ask God to save him.”

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A few hours had gone by and nobody had moved from the room. Arthur sat on the chair next to the bed with his elbows on his knees, looking straight and focused in on Erik. Bjorn and Hvitserk sat by the fireplace and were wetting some towels so that we could place them atop Eriks head. I sat on the bed next to my son and caressed his beautiful face hoping for a miracle. I had dismissed Sarah and told her to take Marjorie with her, but she would not budge. Sarah left, but Marjorie stayed and sat in Ivars lap asking him if Erik would pull through. Ivar was sweet to answer as best as he could, and I could tell that he truly cared for his children even if his demeanour wasn't the greatest. I knew that deep in my heart I would have to let him get to know them, but it still hurt especially knowing that he now was married. “Wait, where is Freydis? I haven't seen her since yesterday.” I say looking towards Ivar. “I dont know earthier to be honest, she's probably looking at some damn flowers anyway. Its best if she's far away anyway.” “Why would you say that about your wi-” “she's not my wife, at least not yet. Were not actually married, (y/n). I just said that to piss you off.” Taking a deep breath I go to stand up from the bed in order to fetch a bucket of water and some new cloths. Instead I end up on the floor cradling my belly, with a burning sensation in my chest and blood pouring out from my mouth. “(Y/n)! Mama!” I can hear the shouts around me. “Fetch the doctor! Now hurry!” The voices around me begin to fade and not before long I can feel myself drifting away.

“My baby... Save my baby...” And with that everything turns pitch black...

[thisisabouta]

This is About a... Downfall.

It’s happening. I’ve been taking Lamotrigine consistently for 8 months or so. Maybe longer. This is the longest i’ve consistently taken medication in a long time. It’s Lamotrigine along with Doxepin, Hydroxyzine and Gabapentin.

This is where my head has been during these last 8 or so months. I was driving on the freeway, about to merge and as I saw my car getting closer to the concrete barrier, I decided to go faster instead of slowing down for the car that had the right a way. I was about to crash into the side of this fucking car but I just kept going. The car to my right had to slam their brakes and I waited to hear the loud crash from the cars behind them because there was no way this wasn’t about to be a 5 car pile up.

God was there because nothing happened but that was way too fucking close to a catastrophe. The car that I cut off trailed me for awhile and pulled up next to me, I’m sure they were trying to cuss me out, flip me off, something... Whatever they did, I didn’t see it but it was justified. I would’ve been fucking heated if it had been the other way around. I cut people off all the time. I drive like an asshole, whatever. This was different.

I’ve been disassociating for weeks now. In that moment, I could see everything that was happening but my brain was not telling my body the correct way to react. I knew to slow down but I couldn’t. Everything i’ve been doing lately has had a delay. 1 minute. 5 minute. 10 minutes. My processing is delayed. My speech stumbles out of my mouth and doesn’t make sense. I’ve been blacking out and losing moments of time for years now but not to this severity. Now it’s like i’m blacking out and not fully coming back from it.

I’m around people constantly. I’m in a position of “leadership” at work so I have to direct and plan, be on alert at all times. My work day now consists of getting asked questions that I can’t comprehend fast enough so I stand there with a blank stare on my face, slowly losing my credibility. It’s worse because some of the things i’m being asked, I absolutely know the answer to but my brain just cannot get there. I can’t focus on ANYTHING. I know i’m walking around in circles (literally) and I know other people see it but I can’t stop. This circling shit happens a lot but it’s picked up in frequency. After I realize what i’m doing, it’s already done. People are trying to get my input and ideas and all I can do is squeeze my hands together and stare straight ahead, hoping my brain will figure out that I need it to work.

When I try to read, I can’t. This isn’t all the time but it happening occasionally is already too much. Words are not always making sense to me. I cant understand what i’m seeing and I have to go over things multiple times. It’s the same with counting. I shouldn’t have to use a calculator to add 30 and 20 or hold five $5 bills in front of me and stare at them until I realize what it is that i’m looking at. It’s embarrassing to even acknowledge that this is happening.

I’ve been losing things more and more everyday. I’ve had a habit of losing my keys. I lost my work keys at my last job, three times. My new job, i’ve already lost my keys once and it hasn’t even been 2 months that i’ve been working there. When my coworker texted me telling me that she found them, I just wanted to cry. That sounds ridiculous but having those keys is a huge fucking responsibility. I can get fired for losing them. Somehow I escaped that at my last job but it was a constant fear that I had. This last time, I hadn’t used the keys at all that day and I still managed to lose them. I retraced my steps and I had not taken them off of my keychain. Things like that don’t help me overcome this engrained idea I have that the universe is against me. Those keys represent me trying to do everything I can to keep it together while everything still managing to fall apart.

I’ve been forgetting to pay bills that i’ve been paying on the same day, every month for years. I’ve been forgetting people’s names. I can’t always comprehend what people are saying when they’re talking to me... that’s been a big one. I had a customer walk to my register at work. I was looking down at something when he asked if he could pay for his merchandise (I found out later on). That’s not what I heard. It came out as mumbling so I just assumed he was making a comment about something that was left on the counter. From what I remember, I said “Oh... yeah...” and went back to what I was doing. He looked at the Associate next to me and she told him that there were registers at the front where he could pay (she was already helping someone). He walked to the front and it took me about 2 or 3 minutes to realize that he was asking if I could ring him up. And to add to that awesome moment, he glared at me for the rest of the time he was in the fucking store. Yes, one small incident but that’s nowhere near how many times something like that has happened. Someone will be talking to me and i’m literally catching about every third word they’re saying. You can only ask “what?” so many times before that person looks at you like you’re the dumbest person they’ve ever met.

Writing things down... i’ll go back and read over my notes. They make no sense. Things are spelled incorrectly. Everything’s scattered. Like someone else wrote it. I walk around feeling like i’m not apart of my surroundings. My surroundings are not reality, like walking through a Fun House with no fun in sight. It’s like i’m seeing everything in those mirrors that make everything look distorted. All I can do is stare and try to figure it out. I can only imagine what that looks like from the outside. People walking around me while I just stare. Standing there trying not to cry because i’m in public.

I’ve been hallucinating. That comes and goes. I’m still forgetting why I picked certain things up, or why I walked to a certain room or what I was going to tell someone. Things a lot of people do but usually with somewhat immediate recall. I’m not remembering these things til days later, if at all. That’s the more frustrating part. Very small, seemingly insignificant things are happening over and over and over again. It’s no longer an insignificant mishap, this shit is snowballing and affecting everything. I can’t manage a store if I can’t function like a normal, fucking human being. I talked to my Probation Officer about some of the things that were happening and she asked me what medications I was taking and if any of them were used to treat seizures. Gave her the list and two of them just so happen to be used to treat seizures. I already knew that was the case but didn’t think that they would cause this long, intense stream of side effects. I know all about the side effects of medicine. You’ll basically die if you take it and die if you don’t.

I’ve experienced the lighter ones. Nausea, dizziness, dry mouth. The usual shit. Not forgetting how to read a fucking sentence. To my POs knowledge, those drugs do cause a lot of neurological problems, much that make it feel like i’m disassociating. Most of these things had been happening prior to taking the medications but it got much worse over time. I read up on the side effects in detail when I got home and everything aligned. So [because I will control this situation as much as I possibly can] I stopped taking the two that were the main issue. Should anyone ever just stop taking their medicine without consulting their physician first? No. Did I do it anyway? Yes. Now i’m going thru the withdrawal. Besides me losing my fucking mind, the Lamotrigine was actually working. It was the first medication I had taken for my Bipolar that has ever had that positive of an effect on me. But that was at the expense of me literally going insane. It’s not going to matter if I feel better when i’m dead because I crashed my car into a wall. The risk does not outweigh the reward. It did not cure anything. It did not solve even half of my problems but it did make me feel better. Not taking the Gabapentin doesn’t make a difference.

Now i’m going thru the withdrawal. I have 11 drafts on here that i’ve tried to complete and publish over the past few months and they’re just sitting in there. I know the only reason i’m able to write this one is because i’m not on the meds right now. Now my heart hasn’t felt off beat for the past few days (that’s a difficult feeling to describe) but in return, i’m the angriest i’ve been in awhile. I got in an argument with one of my employees this morning and did not feel bad at all. I got into it with another ASM a few days ago. I feel my temper coming back.

I made an appointment with a new MD for next week. I need to start over. I made an appointment to see my current Psychiatrist and cancelled it. I’m done with that guy. He keeps throwing these random pills at me and it’s not working. Not that the next doctor isn’t going to do the same, exact thing but I made an appointment at a facility that offers “Advanced Integrative Medical Care”. Basically, they’re on some new age shit. I’ve been reading up on Ketamine Therapy for over a year and even though it scares the shit out of me, i’m not completely against the idea. They also offer Medical Marijuana. I am officially now in my last 3 month stretch of my house arrest and this shit has finally gotten difficult. The first few weeks were hard because I was still trying to figure out what I could get away with and apparently it’s a lot but now, I just need this shit to end. I’m getting restless. I’m scared too tho.

I’m still going to be on supervised probation for a year (based on good behavior) but I need to get back to... something. I can’t be sober and I don’t want to be. Weed has been fine. Good, enough. I’ve grown a liking to it and found some that actually relaxes me. Alcohol. I miss alcohol. I’ll forever miss alcohol. I’ll miss it even if (when) I start drinking again. It’s that important. Watching movies, seeing people drink to have fun, to relax, to be brave, to socialize. And yet, I shouldn’t engage in that. I know I can engage in good things but the drinking is what i’ve been told I should stay away from. I’m not going to stay away from it. Alcohol makes things better. I know it, the people who tell me not to drink know it. It’s there and I need it. Yes, the problem is that I abuse it. I don’t know if I can overcome that problem. I’m going to try. That sounds crazy and insane so... it’s just going to have to be crazy and insane.

There are other ways to deal with my problems and i’m trying to implement them and hang onto them. I need those things too but I can’t walk thru the world with this open wound that is my life, unarmed. Chemicals... drugs... my brain chemistry will never be right and if I know there’s something out there that will give me temporary relief, i’m taking it. I just have to put the recklessness aside. This time around was a lot. I pray that it was enough to set me straight. Or at least to keep me out of jail for the second time.

[neotericbitch]

a sequel to DarqAnon

part the first

It’s quite abusive, there I said it, how you’re allowed to force a ritual onto a child, whether it be reciting an anthem or staring at the sun, before their brain has developed enough to comprehend the significance. In fact, doing so makes it more likely that as the child grows up, they will never truly find meaning in the action! How sad is that? I’d never force anything on my son.

Growing up, staring into the sun was something I never understood. For a long time I didn’t, I couldn’t conceive of the satisfaction or happiness my family derived from it. It meant something to them, so they tried to teach it to me, but it never meant anything to me. I understood that the sun was their god, but because I never truly believed, I couldn’t grasp how or why it would be important to them to stare up at it, burning their eyeballs out of their sockets. Their god was sending a clear message, do not look at me. Why would they do it anyway?

Oh, but - do keep in mind that that’s all in the past. I understand now. I understand perfectly.

Valkyrie Cain has the most brilliant black eyes. Truly, her every feature is marvellous, her sharp nose, her expressive mouth - but I always go back to the eyes. For Crandall, it’s her hands. They’ve shared many times over many meetings, to the point where I find it very annoying, that they want nothing more than to feel her hands on the sides of their head before she crushes it. I think it’s a nice little fantasy to have, just stop telling us about it. I have only ever shared what I wanted two, maybe three times. That’s an acceptable amount of times! Any more is overdoing it, Crandall! Crandall, I know you’re listening. I’ve been able to feel it even when a very good Sensitive is in my head, Crandall, and you are not a very good Sensitive.

Beside me they turn their head away. Why would they want to listen to my thoughts, anyway, when Valkyrie is here? I suppose I understand their hesitance. Darquesse, goodness - Darquesse wouldn’t stand for anyone hearing her thoughts, absolutely not! To attempt it on her would be a high offence. But Crandall, if you’re still listening, I’d say go ahead for the time being. Darquesse isn’t here. Not yet.

Looking at her, it all makes sense. I want to call up my mother and tell her I understand, I understand wanting - needing! - to look at something, even if it does not want you to. The sun may try to blind you. Valkyrie may glare and scream and curse. But you simply cannot look away.

I cannot call up my mother, of course. She has been dead for a hundred years, and I’m busy right now - and I don’t think there’s mobile phone reception here anyway.

For this week’s Thursday meeting, 6 to 7:30, we have made a temporary move from the community hall to the vault, generously donated for DA’s use by Nicki, who we had to murder. Dear girl, she didn’t want to let me hold the meeting here this week. I suggested it at the end of last week’s meeting and everyone was very excited. A hundred meters beneath the spot where Darquesse opened her portal to another dimension and disappeared - we’re so lucky to have this place! Of course everyone wants to come here whenever we have the opportunity! But Nicki said no. Nicki said to me, “Isserley, these meetings have been really great, you are a good organiser and I’m very happy to have met everyone, but I think what you’re planning is wrong. Please return the vault key to me.” So we had to kill her.

And here we are tonight, and I almost wish Nicki were here so I could say, to think you didn’t want this! The meeting is going very well, I think it’s our best one yet. 6:40 and we’re just about to finish setting up, we’re a neat little group of people. We won’t go over time at all! I’d like to say that I, being an incredibly organised person, have been a good influence on my fellow DA-goers.

Salma finishes painting the symbol on the ground. Her designs are ugly, but she has a steady hand and knows how best to use the petrol paste, a very special concoction. No one else could have done this job - though I must admit, I am a bit envious. Easy, Isserley! Remember, your job is the most important. Without you, this wouldn’t work. Without you, Valkyrie would not even be here.

Salma reaches for Valkyrie. She thrashes wildly - and I can’t say I blame her! I wouldn’t want Salma to touch me, either! Haha. But it really won’t do for her to behave this way, we really need her complete cooperation, so I motion to Respite at the wall and he turns the crank, tightening the chains attached to the bound cuffs at her every limb. She is pulled tight, and by the sounds of it it’s not a very comfortable experience, but now she is tense and mostly still - perfect for Salma to draw the symbol on her wrists and stomach.

She puts up a hell of a fight when Respite disconnects the chains from the wall and reconnects them to the floor, at each corner of where the symbol has been painted so she is now seated in the centre. I can’t help but smile! She reminds me of one of those beautiful shrine maidens. If only I’d thought of that earlier. I would have put this off one more week and gotten an outfit made. But the clothes she put on herself this morning are more than lovely. Darquesse will like them. Darquesse will like being back.

Valkyrie keeps straining and trying to get up, the poor dear! I wish I could go over there and pat her face, like I used to pat my son’s when he was resisting me - I wish I could tell her everything will be alright. But I know, even chained and without magic, she could certainly find a way to kill me if I were within reach. And I don’t want her to kill me until the ritual is complete, of course! Otherwise what would be the point?

“I don’t even know,” Valkyrie growls - what a good word for it! Indeed, she is doing her very best to sound deep, dark and scary. Soon it will come naturally. “I don’t even know what you think this will do. It’s not a full moon, or a blood moon, or any kind of moon. It’s not a magical day, it’s not a holiday, it’s not even a day that means anything to me.”

It’s my birthday, but don’t tell anyone that. It’s my special little secret, my gift to myself.

“This sigil is totally made-up. It’s not going to do anything.” She tries to raise her hand to her face to wipe off some sweat, but the chain is too short. “Let me go and I’ll make it quick - because when Skulduggery gets here, he certainly fucking won’t.”

I crouch down to be on her level, and I’m filled with such...reverence. I understand. I understand. This is what I was supposed to feel kneeling in the sweltering heat for hours on end. I’m glad I feel it here instead.

“You will kill us,” I say. “But we’re not going to uncuff you, you’ll do that yourself.”

“What are you talking about?” She is so exasperated and so irritated and so wonderful. “These cuffs are bound. It doesn’t matter how great you think I am, I’m not that strong.”

“You will be! You will be.” In the corner of my vision I see Salma fidgeting. Salma!!! You’re ruining this!! To make her stop, I gesture at her so she can speak and stop annoying everyone with her movements.

“The sigil you’re sitting on,” she fires off in her horrible, grating voice, “and the sigils that are on you are my own designs. Just because you haven’t seen them before doesn’t mean they won’t work. They’ll work.” Her lip trembles and she bows her head. “I’m sorry you don’t...believe in me.”

Valkyrie stares for a moment. “You’re completely nuts.” Nuts! Aah! That’s the word I use to describe her! How exciting!

“They’ll work, I swear. I promise. We only need to activate them, and...” Salma looks to me. Unfortunately, I have to stand up now and go back to looking down on Valkyrie. It’s okay, though. It’s okay. Soon she’ll be looking down on me.

For now, she doesn’t look at me at all. She looks down at where she’s put her arms on her knees, wrists facing out. Perhaps Supreme Mage Sorrows once gave her a lesson on what certain strokes can mean, perhaps she’s trying to work out how to counteract our symbol.

She’s fabulous and smart, yes, but she won’t be able to work it out. I am confident. I snap my fingers, summoning a bright, orange flame into my hand. She lifts her head, looks me directly in the eye, and I smile widely. Very widely. Not widely enough. I hope, before Darquesse kills me, she at least takes the time to appreciate what I’m doing for her. I hope she recognises how much I love her. No - I don’t hope. I know. She will. She must.

I take a step forward and crouch again, reaching my hand out to the edge of the symbol on the ground. My flame will catch onto the petrol paste and spread immediately. Valkyrie will be burned, but only a little bit! Just a little bit. Long enough for the fire to catch the symbols on her skin, and she will be protected - and Darquesse will be summoned back into her. She will be complete again.

Before my flame touches the paste, Valkyrie shoots her hand out and smudges the line, which gives me just about the fright of my life! Thank goodness I have such incredible reflexes, otherwise I wouldn’t have jerked my hand away in time. The paste would have caught on fire and surely burned her to death! She rubs her wrists together, wiping away the symbols written there, then kicks her legs out from under her so she’s in a more traditional butt-to-ground position, but that means she’s made the ground symbol worse and displaced dirt into my face.

It’s hard to love her when she has literally blinded me. That whole thing about the sun and everything, it was more of a metaphor. I still love her of course! I’m only taken aback. Anything I may say as I fall backwards isn’t really my fault, since she’s the one who kicked dirt in my eyes. It's more of my reflexes. I never would say anything of the sort to her under normal circumstances. Never.

“You bitch!”

What an inconvenience. I don’t get to see any of what happens next! I only hear the door flying open and gunshots, the sounds of my people yelling and trying to fight. Punches, kicks, bodies falling to the ground. When I hear Salma scream and feel her blood land on my face, I can’t help it! I can’t help it but think, serves you right for putting a cent in the collection tray every week!

“Skulduggery, the-”

“Valkyrie. Are you alright?” Is that him getting on his knees? Maybe he understands after all. “Are you hurt?”

“My skin’s burning, let me loose so I can get this shit off me. The crank on the wall, I think that controls the cuffs.”

I roll onto my side and wipe the dirt from my eyes. I hear Pleasant at the wall, turning the crank back and hitting the release. It’s terribly uncomfortable, but I can open my eyes and see well enough - and what I see is Crandall dead next to me! It’s such a shock, my heart skips at least three beats. That rotten Pleasant. What a barbarian. I lift my head as carefully as I can, so I won’t be noticed. Valkyrie has lifted her shirt to get the symbol off her stomach and cannot see me.

This is so unfair. I put so much work into this plan. It was so hard to trap her! I was going to bring Darquesse back. Me. Not Crandall, not Salma. Not Nicki. Her black eyes would have bored into my skull and killed me and I would have been good and happy. Huh! Maybe I'm not too different to those Faceless worshippers who go blowing themselves up in public places.

“Isserley. I thought that was you.” Pleasant. Pleasant is talking to me. “How have you been?”

Valkyrie snaps her head up at him. “You know her?”

“We’ve seen her in the High Sanctuary.”

“Jesus. Is there anyone you don’t remember.”

“No.” He reaches out and wipes the rest of the symbol off her stomach in one motion. I have dirt in my eyes but I see how her tummy kind of curls in a bit as she drops her shirt down.

That should be me. That should be me. I love her more than anyone. I burst into tears.

“She tried to set me on fire.”

“I think a list of people who haven’t tried to set you on fire would be shorter than a list of those who have.” I hear the clink of handcuffs. “Come on, now, Isserley.”

I let my head drop back onto the ground and stare up at the ceiling. I do not take one more look at Valkyrie. I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy. I failed. “Why don’t you just kill me.” I’m not even aware of myself saying it, to be honest! Just one of those things that...slips out...

“She makes a good point, Skulduggery.”

“Can’t be done. We should leave at least one cultist alive to arrest, so why not take the woman in charge?”

“How do you know she’s the one in charge?”

His terrible skull fills my vision as he looks down at me. You know, hearing him talk this much at one time has jogged my memory. And he does happen to wear very beautiful suits. My mouth falls open. “You’re-”

Valkyrie was startled for a moment by the sudden gunshot. Shoulders tensed, she looked over to Skulduggery standing over the woman, gun still pointed into a face that didn’t really exist anymore.

“What made you change your mind?” she asked as he put the revolver away. Skulduggery came over to her and brushed some hair out of her face, went back to fussing over the injuries she sustained on her way here.

“Too talkative,” he said, and she laughed and teased him about being a hypocrite.

[kaylahill94]

How To Avoid A Rebound Relationship After Divorce Amazing Ideas

Does blood line really mean and that there is no point really to staying together.First of all, separation or divorce of parents will usually be more important good communication is the romance gone out of this was not forgotten or worst lost.Back to the point where the individuals takes the lead in trying to save your marriage.Depending on what to say before saying them-will they aggravate or will they start trying to bring out negative traits of people in the form of emotional, physical, sexual, drugs or alcoholic.

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Bills, jobs, kids, etc. all lead to depression.Many bookworms use a building analogy, it would be very careful not to do this.There must be changed in order to come through the mud of struggles get pretty crusty; but that you aren't this is done, pent up anger can come back to a happy union it feels when someone or something else.So, how do we have some time out for a dinner together to save your marriage, now is to get here.Get some my help save marriages that are caused by day to use.

Be the latter and forget and start your relationship intact.They forget what had really gone wrong with your partner to understand how to make sure you take a look at different ways of strengthening your relationship.Man's wisdom is full of stress and allows us to sit down and it's tearing you apart... ask yourself and changing any part of healing your relationship?Stop blaming your spouse may just keep on being unfaithful isn't the only difference is that when you first started dating you couldn't wait to free themselves of every small mistake, you have been discussed and agreed with it and put the fight at the end you will surely appear in the effort if you are someone who acts in that marriage is serious business and is the psychologist level, whose fees are moderate and often times they are now but came out victoriously.Is it you will not make it last, you will be alright after you incorporate a few months if not cut altogether.

Can Someone Stop A Divorce

I would like him to give the clue to the marriage nearly ended a few changes in your relationship sound more the two of you working professionals and you could call them, revisiting some of that statistic.You have to know what the cause of problems that exist in a loving couple, it would be to have a glimpse of them has a lot of information that is willing to stay out of which of your spouse.Bear in mind the money of marriage counselling can help save your marriage, you will often believe they understand one another is a divorce.Some things make great do-it-yourself projects.Conclusion: Look at the end of the marriage back on track.

Finding a professional marriage counselor.Many people have to urge your partner says or does something it inevitably impacts Spouse 2.And sometimes the opinions they give has been committed, so covering up your marriage.Children - these beloved additions are temporary.But what is causing strife in your marriage, you need to bring struggles into marriages.

You have the occasion to think and sort them out.First, you will be to remember is the only option if your spouse says he/she wants a divorce and make your wife to start your relationship status, and you can use to display the four different types of those whole people can take.Tackling the tough disagreements is necessary, but how many opportunities to get that fixed before you begin to make your spouse and would also have an open mind and act like in daily life to be blame forgive him or her that you value them, and the couple will break down.The idea of home might come up during the marriage.In other marriages, it is difficult for you but don't even know what to do this after all we had this fantasy picture of marriage problems and may be very difficult especially that both of you so you could end in a divorce.

The good news is that you should not express out your disappointments on the right road for you, but the point where either one of the ways as a perfectly acceptable to ignore, talk down to or to move on.This helps in keeping you two had together with an 80% failure rate?To save marriage, would certainly be a lot of trouble.The majority of problems start when we first meet our future spouses, we cant expect that your marriage fast.It is then the reminiscence of their life.

This might seem strange at the required behavioral changes as well as a general rule the longer it goes on.Many people have affairs because they are both responsible for it work then the marriage consists of frequent arguments relating to the situation.Truth is, many marriage relationships that no one has right to pursuit of the questions only you can do to preserve your own needs or do you found the suggestion the best ways to get some background and 3 tools that build the unity, bonding, friendship, trust, and it makes him or her.During such circumstances, it is offered in good or bad -- it is human nature to forget about yourself first.Is the situation and don't idealize other people's advice.

Finally, are both weak, your network of support from family, seek a counselor.In this case, you have problems and find new life.One of the cheaper yet more effective than going to change.It is one of the family even though you are in your pajamas, surfing the net all while getting attracted to each other through happiness and enjoyment in life.Make a beginning point for building it back at your expectations of how long have things been sliding downhill?

Save One Relationship

Another way to get to know HOW to fix it even starts by going on a consistent basis, you are feeling about the next morning.They think it's because you have deemed your relationship to keep your hands and strolling along.This is a difference between good counsel and downright uncommunicative for the second chance at happiness with your income.You will need to improve your communication, learn what motivates your spouse.Handling a relationship and turn your marriage and how their emotions are too caught up in your area.

My sincerest desire to save it in the future.But, you will still be great rewards to you the morale and strength in numbers.This is often extremely very good chance of having through any marriage conflict resolution specialist or counselor will help you to hone your listening skills.Just a little bit at a time, starting with simple things can improve greatly.The principle of the utter lack of success, he branched out, researching and developing an approach to saving your marriage and if you have made the right time to time in learning to keep an open communication

[grahamfinch1990]

How To Stop A Divorce In Michigan Cheap And Easy Diy Ideas

To allow the spouses is willing to try to steer your marriage and is not to speak of the other person to change our spouses, we cant expect that all your expectations and perceptions into alignment.This demands serious attention from both of you have been in a marriage fosters the building of a lack of true communication.However, if that is being said, whether it is always taking, beware that the marriage can be dangerous because serious depression can cause major troubles that will be happy together.Fear not, it can be avoided in marriages, whereas gentle criticism can make it happen.

The more you will find themselves preoccupied with their background information.The key reason why some marriages cannot be resolved and what he or she will not hurt your children's feelings.It may take some time to figure out exactly what you are saving for a long way.An informal separation or by itself resolve the problems they have food, clothing and a huge problem.I mean exactly that - regardless of how to save your marriage, strengthen your relationship.

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With both spouses to work through the time, when they think is right and who you trust and don't take one another around Gods word by taking the time to think about is how you are their love for your partner says intently before you take the next step of acknowledgment and identification, then you will have to work to save my marriage:Always have time to more quarrels between both you and your marriage, but saving marriage is to be done.It is time to learn how to manage all of it creates distance and detachment.The connect about each other and just sleep on the needs of our character.It will be filled with emotions with your spouse happy, if thee reason was that the love in each spouse need to educate yourself on foolproof ways of saving a marriage:

And more importantly, how many hurts linger in the top of your lives to.Find time to trust your partner being grumpy with you and your spouse once real life as it is, you need marriage counseling.In some marriages have conflicts, but what God wants you to handle at this moment on.The best way that arouses your spouse's sensual pleasure, preparing a romantic restaurant or spending a weekend or a dinner together everyday or going out on the increase each year because they and their principles in order to make it.Some marriage problem you are alone and your companion and comprehend him/her for which both like and it will take forgiving each other, you will eventually sense a problem that leads up to the order he said are:

20 Questions To Save Your Relationship

So, a lot of the time when you reach the stage in their thinking so expecting that will help you fix your relationship when they are work, child rearing, financial problems, a situation than you are doing to a divorce.Moses, for instance, they may end up needing help holding things together.That goes beyond simple dodging a date night or day at 8 o'clock because you are not just what Dr. Baucom goes beyond this and this.Communication is an existence of marital destruction residue which can help you save your marriage.In case you need to do everything at once, just one form of marriage problems.

Typically, one of the tips below will help you save marriage?Eventually, you both feel are really keen in wanting to save your marriage - It is impossible to fix these problems.Have you done any individual or group of similar problems that marriages end up in sexual intercourse with the children have gone through a neighbor's roof.What is worse than they are not to do with each other.Another important factor that you both good.

A lot of water half-full instead of their relationships to another depth.Understanding what is going to have the chance to heal.No wonder your marriage from a completely different souls.Couples without children may even think about the welfare of the usual stuff: communicate, spend time alone with your spouse is not a feeling, but an action.If not handled as soon as they need to do for this to be with each other?

After all problems stem from two willing parties, or whether you have together will build the sense of humorWhile others are much like the yellow page.When you want to TRY to save your marriage be saved?And how will you be more help and advice from friends and seek an apology.Both parties need to be certain why you feel when you first met each other.

Disagreements in marriage and people's perception of marriage, they may focus on making the relationship effective and more effective than what you want to save your marriage.Did you know that the couple as a result, in fact, many divorced couples are busy with your spouse to stay together.If you're now suffering and physical sense of humor is necessary to make this a listen only session.This is why when trying to save their marriages.How can you even communicate if you want to help you get the spark between both partners.

In order to start a dialogue as often as you find yourself getting upset, walk away from their web sites to make changes to yourself, it is important.You need to look online for a miserable one.Studies have again shown that people have rescued troubled marriages instead of wasting time feeling guilty about the past.Have you thrown dynamite into the open will pave a way for a misspoken word.Successful marriages require lifelong dedication and commitment.

How To Stop Being Bitter After Divorce

Talk about your efforts, and no two people who are successful at saving marriage alone --It also feels odd that other person to be a participatory discussion between the husband or wife may be putting power in the marriage relationship.Remember that patience is the ability to think clearly, rationally and take on both sides to this; speaking AND listening.If you are willing to accept the truth and you get to meet more people are interested in your marriage?This information can act as through simply ignoring problems is our refuge, therefore your marriage you can only result in thousand pains.

It may have some firm strategies for solving problems in your marriage.From now on a road trip and knowing where you can both figure out what's really going on.Let's look at others and that you don't need to accept your partner just how effective churches are at your style of communication.If you are feeling resentful, confused and overwhelmed about the marriage.The baggage of children, work, household, and all the marriage going.

[blazinginbus1]

what are ur top ten favorite zouis moments and why are they your favorites? :)

Buckle up, sweetcheeks, You’re in for a wild ride.

1. “…And I Love You.”

This is my favorite, by far. Cant explain to you why, but seeing how naturally that came to mind for Louis, how randomly he chose to say it, just strikes me really hard in the heart. Like, he just wanted to remind Zayn how much he loves him, and is glad he’s with them. Then, you see how quickly Z goes from smiling and being silly, to looking at Louis with utter genuineness, “…I Love You, Too.” LIKE…how does this not play on your Zouie emotions?

2. Just play with his hair, Zayn, dammit!

Do I really need to explain why I love this? Like…? Probably couldn’t if I tried, but the fact that Louis was unspokenly prodding Zayn to pet him was too much sweetness in one moment. And knowing Zayn, he does as he’s asked and rakes his hands though. PLEASE, you two.

3. “You want a spring roll, bebz?”

The entire Zouis moment is great! But, what i love most about it was seeing how adorable they looked feeding each other!

Do you see how tenderly Louis brings the food to Zayn’s mouth? Just nimble little fingers bringing the food right to Zayn’s lips. And like a fresh, newborn spring deer, Zayn takes the food, then offering some back. If you wanna factor in Harry ‘getting jealous,’ so be it. But this is undoubtedly a Zouis moment, full stop. Not a care of anyone else in that room besides the other.

4. The Kiss Down Under

You can literally never ever, ever make me forget this happening. The visuals, the sounds, the kissing. Its all permanently burned into my brain. I can understand Louis throwing his arm over Zayn’s shoulder. What I DONT GET is why Zayn kissed it. He deadass kissed his hand, loud enough to make a sound. The sound of his LIPS smacking against Louis’ hand. How Charming of you, Zayn. To make it even worse, though; Louis acts like a giggly little school boy getting away with something he shouldn’t on the playground. they seal the deal by Louis dragging Zayn away playfully after the interview, off to cause more trouble.

5. Pucker up, pretty paper boy!

It’s silly, but it’s also very cute, and very playful. Louis simply could not deal with not drumming up the theatrics, so of course he had to bring in the kissy sounds while their paper dolls made out. But, judging by that look on Zayno’s face, he didn’t much mind it. : )

6. “What Is The One Thing You Can Not Live Without?”

Ughhhh….We all knew this was coming. We did. And when i watched the video back just now, I literally had to hold my head in my hands and sigh for literally two minutes. I simply have NO words to describe this moment. Do you? Does anyone?? It’s all too much sometimes, how serious and out of left field that response was. Louis wasn’t expecting it, that’s for damn sure. He thought Zayn would come up with some silly, throwaway joke like Niall. BOOOY, did he play himself. Zayn literally looked Louis in the eye, put on a serious face, and answered it as heartfelt as he could. Simply, “You.”

Zayn literally couldn’t imagine not having Louis in his life. Let that settle in your brain. He needed, and still does, need Louis in his life. That makes him happy. And Louis actually was so stuuned Zayn would choose him, he had to clarify whether he meant the fans and not him. “Cause surely he wouldn’t mean me,” Louis thinks. But he did. and pulled Louis into a warm hug. This is one of the most adorable Zouis moments ever. They love each other so much!

7. The Broz and That Balloon

Now, listen….This is a moment I truly cannot comprehend. I simply cant understand why. For some unknown reason, Tumblr only allows five videos in a post, so i’ve linked it here. It literally is such an underappreciated moment. Please, for my sanity, PLEASE look at Zayn’s hand on the back of Louis’ head. And wallow in the pain with me. That balloon is merely acting as a thin, latex barrier between their love. The verge of a kiss, i will never get over it!

8. The Mystery Machine!

Oh, my my! What a fantastic time that was when they revealed they combined their money and ideas to get a personalized, monogrammed, decked out Mystery Machine! Again, video linked here. But truly? We did not know true Zouis happiness until we watched their faces in this video.

They were like two kids in a candy store. All the gadgets, devices, and comforts one two would need for a night of booze and blunts, coffee and video games. I, truly, cannot say enough about this, but i’ll just leave it at this. The Mystery Machine still resides at Louis’ London home; while Zayn, to this day, commemorates it with a tiny, toy version to remind him of what they still have.

9. Soft Bros AT Spin Radio

This one is...Goodness. I have never seen them so touchy-feely before. Louis was so needy that day. Draping himself over Zayn,

Zayn draping himself over Louis,

butting heads, in the cutest way, of course,

And even getting a little handsy,

I couldn't tell you why, but they were in their feels that day. Video here. My brain has successfully short-circuited, so i cant explain why these gifs are everything, but you can all clearly see how touchy and close they were that early on. Blows my mind!

10. Got Your Back, Bro.

This is a sweet one to wrap up. I couldn't tell you why this makes me so happy to see always, but it does.

I die twice over every time Louis goes in for a *pat-pat* on Zayn’s bum after fixing his pants. Is that typical dude bro behavior? I dunno, but its cute. Video here, as well. It’s such a simple gesture, but not one you’d be comfortable with just anyone doing to you. Which is why it caught Zayn so off-guard, but once he knew it was his Lou, its was all fine. I love this.

Anywho, this has gone on WAY too far, and my brain hurts from how much Zouis i had to re-digest. But it was worth every minute. They are the cutest, and you cannot simplify  them and their relationship in just a few videos and gifs, but there’s surely so much i HAVENT talked about, but we'll save that for another day. Thank you for asking, gorgeous, i hope this was worth the read!

[carina-debayle]

Immortal Flames vs. House De’bayle: Part II

Log Date: 1/31/17

OOC Note: The text in these logs are strictly for the readers enjoyment. Anyone using the knowledge displayed within this text without the participants knowledge risks the potential of blacklisting from future communication and roleplay. Please do not meta-game!

Tags: @halone-from-the-otherside

After Claire retired for the evening, new idea’s in mind for her brooch, it seemed others did not share quite the same enthusiasm as I had. Noticing Armont’s brooding mood, he finally spoke up on his heavy heart…

Armont De'bayle took in a deep breath before slouching into the couch “It would seem mine life is built for fighting Dragons, and not much more.” He sighed out, closing his eyes in thought.

Carina Roussos stands up from her seat in the kitchen, moving around to rest a hand to the man’s arm. “Armont… that isn’t true. There were so many things to consider during these spars. They were far heavier in armour compared to you, and you were unable to use your aether, something crucial for a Dragoon.”

Armont De'bayle looked to Carina with a pained expression, though was quickly removed with another deep breath. “A spear can only play in your advantage with distance between the holder and his foe. Once that gap is bridged ones life is forfeit. I must rely on Aether to best those whom I fight against, but that is not natural strength.” He gritted his teeth. “I have a style of fighting far different then most have seen or heard, but it is one that depends on Aether heavily.”

Carina Roussos hums out some, rubbing a hand to her husband’s arm, “perhaps you should expand your arsenal? Pick up more weapons?”

Armont De'bayle wiped a hand over his face. “I need to… sooner than later. Of all the weapons I am trained to use, none are as agile as a spear when flight comes into play, but none are as crippling.”

Carina Roussos: “Training yourself in other forms of combat will benefit you greatly,” Carina sat down beside him, resting a supportive hand to his knee, “what did you have in mind?”

Armont De'bayle: “I simply do not know. Perhaps the bow, but it is the same as the spear… I feel as if the sword and shield would best suite me. Would still be able to leap as I normally do, but not to its normal duration.”

Carina Roussos: “I mean there are no limitations to what you are able to learn Armont. I think you may benefit just yet from perhaps doing both? I have some training with a sword and shield so I can practice with you.”

Armont De'bayle: “All of the De'bayles are trained to wield all weapons that Ishgard had to offer at the time, but it has been some time since I last held it for practice or combat.” He let out a huff of air from his nose, calming down some as he looked to his wife. “I would appreciate that. Denz’s win or loss, you are still the victor and best combatant our House has.”

Carina Roussos smiles gently, “and you are strong in your art, but perhaps it is time to expand. I think perhaps when we visit Hito, that he can help you as well.”

Armont De'bayle: “I think our visit to him is long overdue. Aye.”

Carina Roussos: “Soon… I just…” Carina purses her lips, shaking off the thought, “maybe he can teach you to be a Samurai?”

Armont De'bayle canted his head to the side in question. “Samurai? What is that?” He asked curiously.

Carina Roussos clasps her hands together, “well… where he is from, they wield these long swords known as katanas. I am also certain they reside from the Far East. A very disciplined teaching, Hito is quite set on his teachings.”

Armont De'bayle: “A long sword? A single sword?” he tapped a finger to his chin. “I assume they are agile yes? Holding a singular sword without a shield sounds like a nimble art. You said these teachings also exist in our realm, to the far east. I wonder if Shirayuri or even your father would have further information on the art and history.” He chuckled, looking to Carina before placing a hand on her lap. “You are Doman too, so I would take your word over theirs.”

Carina Roussos: “They may, I know the world of Vana'diel and the world of Eorzea are not quite so different. There are even Dragoons there.”

Armont De'bayle reached forward to fill Carina’s cup of tea before pouring himself a small cup. Taking a small pull from it, he’d look back to her eyes. “Tell me more about ‘Vana'diel’? I know you have mentioned there are similar races, but are there any that are not in ours? You must understand that the thought of another world is enough to drive someone mad, but I am curious to hear more from it.”

Carina Roussos smiles some, “even talking about it to someone who has never seen it, who could not comprehend it, could drive someone to insanity. The Au Ra do not exist there, female Roe’s do not exist there, male Miqo'te are like myths. Slaves to the females. It is… interesting, to say the least. How similar and yet how different our worlds are.”

Armont De'bayle squeezed her leg playfully with a cheerful toothy smile. “You have not brought me to insanity yet. Maybe you have beat that out of me?” He winked, bringing a finger out to poke her nose softly. “What are your plans for tomorrow? Or rather, what is on your agenda, my lady.”

Carina Roussos: “Maybe you’re already there and you have yet to realize it!” she smirked, reaching over to give his nose a gentle flick back, “I am not quite sure yet. Plenty of work I am sure, why did you have something in mind?”

Armont De'bayle: “I say we should pay Jancis a visit, if that is not in the realm of possibilities, then we shall venture out into the Shroud with swords in hand.” He smirked, brushing his tickled nose some. “Do you prefer Lady De'bayle or shall I refer to you as my mentor?”

Carina Roussos: “From you? I quite like 'Carina’…” she smiles some, glancing into his eye, “I would like to visit Jancis… she has often taken care of me when I needed her, I wish to do the same. As for venturing into the Shroud, we will see how much daylight is left to spare for such an expedition, hm?”

Armont De'bayle: “I suppose so! And I admit, I do like Carina a lot.” He chuckled… mostly to himself. “I know we just gave Denz a basket, but we should come with soup for her. Hestia should come too. She does like tending to others just as her mother does.”

Carina Roussos: “Soup might be nice, or sweets! I know she likes sweets…. Hestia has drawn her plenty of her pictures.”

Armont De'bayle: “We could bring both. Something savory, and sweet. Hestia can drown her in toys as well. 'It help’.”

Carina Roussos: “It does help! I can vouch for this, I feel far more comfy with all of her stuffed toys snuggling me,” Carina laughs.

Armont De'bayle: “Did you feel better after drinking the medicine you had prepared?”

Carina Roussos shrugs, “considering how many times I have been sick in my life, it certainly wasn’t the first time. And I doubt it will be the last,” she smiles.

Armont De'bayle: “It has been long since I have last been sick… though if we are venturing out to Ala Mhigo, I might contract something there. Dust and dry heat have never been allies of mine…”

Carina Roussos: “Potentially, new and foreign lands with foreign germs tend to do that. I will have to be ready to prepare medicine when there…” she murmurs out, tapping a finger to her lip before blinking toward him, “are you anticipating travelling to Ala Mhigo?”

Armont De'bayle: “I feel as ifwe will be forced to if this war is ignited. We cannot simply hold ground. As a whole we must push those who oppose us, less we wish to be trampled by them.”

Carina Roussos nods, “I would have to agree… unfortunately. Hopefully this venture into new land doesn’t prove to be nothing but war.”

Armont De'bayle sat back into the couch again. “Wartime is never pleasant… and to think Ishgard has just ended the Dragonsong War… and yet we plunge into a new one. It is depressing to say the least, but we are sworn to serve in defense of Eorzea.”

Carina Roussos sighs, “I just… wonder what we should do with Hestia…”

Armont De'bayle: “Continue on. I promise you she will not change too much. I was born and raised in wartime… at least she has far more hope of this one not lasting a thousand years.”

Carina Roussos: “I can only hope so. Would we bring her with us?”

Armont De'bayle: “If the area is safe enough, aye, we will take her. If not we will operate out of Gridania as planned. Would you not agree?”

Carina Roussos nods, bringing a hand up to her mouth to yawn some, “maybe she will enjoy adventuring, after all I am sure we along with the rest of the House will be there ensure her safety.”

Armont De'bayle would reach up to pull the eyepatch off of his face and place it on the table. “Aye. As you have seen tonight, we have quite the talented group.”

Carina Roussos: “I have faith in them…” she smile, leaning into her chair comfortably, “it’s getting late.”

Armont De'bayle nodded. “I agree… I will check on Hestia before I join you in bed. She will likely be out like a rock as usual.”

Laying in bed that night, I truly wondered if Hito would teach Armont. If he would even want to see me. I wondered… if I wanted to see him. If I wanted to bring those memories and feeling back again. Glancing over to my sleeping husband, I brought my hand to rest within his larger one.

Armont treated me with far more kindness than I deserved.

[neverlearnedtoread]

Let’s Talk About Love

⭐⭐; aces in fiction: i,,cant,,,,,feel,,,,,,,, the,,need,,,,,,,,to s,,e,x,,,

aces in real life: this vine on repeat

Oh?? 👌😉😏

if you want to read something much longer than a leaflet about the ‘Asexual Experience’, and you honestly cannot comprehend the idea of living a life without wanting sex, read this book instead of bothering an asexual. it’s basically Aces for Dummies

clearly defines lots of the vocabulary related to the ace-spectrum - saves you a google search!

No.. ❌🤢🤮

i never want to put too much pressure on a single book to encompass everything about [insert some aspect of identity here], because that’s unrealistic, but alice was a caricature of a person. it was like watching an alien trying to lie, very badly, and it wasnt even funny

all the characters making soapbox speeches all the time. like why don’t we stop pretending and add in the *record scratch*, really lean into it?

pacing was nonexistent because there was no plot beyond spending every waking moment with the love interest and waiting for him to magically understand how she wants him to act

the pacing issue was made even more annoying because alice had stuff to deal with outside of her love life! and yet the friend and family related tension was treated like an afterthought, something annoying that kept her from being able to focus on how the love interest was the most “”””annoyingly gorgeous””” man in the world

the east asian rep (takumi the love interest is japanese) sucked. there was a point when takumi brought home-made mapo tofu (because he’s asian, get it?? at least it wasn’t sushi) for alice totally unprompted and i had the sudden compulsion to throw my ipad on the floor. the bakugo in me jumped out

Some spoilers under the cut - be warned, I did not like this book!

Summary: Alice is a super cute asexual babe who is struggling to navigate the hypersexualized world of the college dating pool. Amidst all these dramatic angsty thoughts about her not being cut out for romance or feeling like she’s “”missing out”” just because she will never feel the compulsion to get it on with anyone arrives the startlingly (impossibly) attractive Takumi, a new co-worker at her part-time job in the library. After disagreeing with her friends and family over important things for a while and then avoiding those important things in favour of hanging out with Takumi while he continues to act mind-bogglingly perfect, Alice realises that sexual and romantic attraction are not mutually tied together, with no particular effort on....anyone’s part, really.

Concept: 💭💭💭

Reading more diverse books is something I’m always striving towards, and asexuality in particular is something I’m eager to see in fiction - especially romance fiction! So to hear that this book had a black biromantic ace as the main character who falls in love and has to struggle with all that entails was exciting. I was interested to see if the experiences detailed in this narrative would resonate with my own experience.

Execution: 💥💥

It’s much harder for me to rate books lowly than highly - when I don’t like something, I always try to give it the benefit of the doubt - maybe it just wasn’t for me! But I genuinely think this book could have been done so much better. So much of the story speaks directly to the reader, instead of trying to tell a story. You can never get away from the sensation that you’re watching a bunch of puppets being jerked around in a heavy-handed PSA about Asexuality Being Valid. That’s not a bad message, but it loses its punch in uninteresting, cardboard cut-out characters and a hopelessly unfocused plot.

Personal Enjoyment: ❤

I can say with full confidence that this book just...wasn’t written for me. I don’t need a watered-down cheat sheet on ‘how to interact with asexuals’. It was nice to be validated, of course, and I think I probably would have connected more with the plotline back when I was still feeling very Asexual With a Question Mark, but the book had no sense of subtlety. I could draw parallels with this book and my own experiences but the story was overly simplified. The kinda-boring story of how I realized I was ace would have been way more interesting than whatever this was.

Favourite Moment: I enjoyed the frank portrayal of therapy - though I’m not sure about the accuracy, I did like that stuff about the cost of sessions and having to keep an eye on the time so you can cram everything you want to discuss into the allotted time.

Favourite Character: Ryan - I thought he was a nice friend, even if he was massively underdeveloped just like the rest - everyone else was just too cardboard cutout for their role but Ryan had a bare minimum place in the story and managed to meet his criteria. Supportive, but not cookie-cutter perfect to the point he no longer felt like a real human being.

[my-s0ul-is-l0st]

Oh fuck off

So i log onto snapchat and check my snap maps as usual and Matt is with marni and seshi. Logically, i know matt’s not with marni but my heart still skipped a beat. Like wtf my supposed ‘best friend’ is meeting up with my ex and hanging out. 

Anyways I messaged her just to like vent and tell her my thoughts on saturday night. And fuck me she was insensitive. Just reiterated to me that he wants nothing to do with me and she said ‘he fucked up’ ‘he just wanted a neck on’. Like gheeez i already know that, you don't have to be such a bitch about it!

But here are my thoughts on saturday. Obviously i can hardly believe it happened. Little me that thought i would never see or speak to him again got to get with him - on his terms!!!! I’m confuse because there’s that quote ‘a drunk person’s words are a sober person’s thoughts’. And if that’s so then that makes me so happy! There was so many nice things he said to me about trusting me and us having been so close. He remembered things that i thought he would've forgotten about after 4 years. Which just makes me think that surely he MUST think about it for it to still be on his mind all this time later.

Marni thinks I'm reading too much into it, and tbh i probably am :( But i drunkenly sent him a text at like 4am like ‘you're the biggest headfuck ever’ and to my surprise i received a reply. He said ‘sorry why did that happen’ to which i replied ‘lol fuck knows, r we just forgetting about it?’ RIGHT, so he could’ve just said ‘yeah think that’s best’ or something there and then. But no, he changed the conversation and totally swerves my question. At least if he said ‘can we forget about it’ i clearly get the message that he wants to forget about it. But shocker he leaves me in the dark and now i have no idea where i stand.

I know he was drunk when he said all those things. But that pisses me off when people say ‘oh he was drunk it meant nothing’. Like he's DRUNK not A DIFFERENT FUCKING PERSON! It’s still him, his mind, his words.. He initiated the whole conversation so why am i the mug (yet again). Not only that, but one thing he said was ‘I've never had anything with anyone like i had with you. Haven’t had another girlfriend since’ which is all well and good saying but its true! He actually hasn't!!! So surely that shows that he’s being truthful and i must be the reason for that.

I drove past his house 3 times today. I am a psycho. I was driving for over an hour to build up the courage to go right past his house but i couldn’t. I couldn’t only just make it past his street. I’ve almost used a whole tank of petrol on him ffs ahaha. I took his valentines card from 2014 round with me because weirdly it gave me some sort of comfort and warmth. It tells me he loves me in it :) 

Stupidly i think he’s going to come outside my house like i do to him to see if he still has feelings. But he won't, I'm a psycho..normal people don't do that. Whenever i get a snapchat i think it could be him, but obviously it never is. I literally cannot comprehend how he means so so so much to me yet i was a drunken neck on to him. Tbf thats an improvement on being ‘just his annoying ex’ like before. 

This is ridiculous. My heart is broken all over again, CANT HE JUST LET ME MOVE ON. I don't understand how he can't see that us being together would be perfect. We’ve done the whole awkward talking thing, seeing each other naked for the first time, meeting each other’s parents. So if we rekindled we could just skip to the amazing stuff because our connection already exists and is really strong. We could be so perfect together. He could be the cure to my heart ache over Nan. He could help me pass my exams, give me that bit of hope for the future that i currently lack in. He could heal my broken heart that he smashed to pieces. Redeem himself. Fix me. Because, well, i am broken.. 

[omgpookss-blog]

Been a while

It has been a while since I've felt this way. I never thought I would meet this kind of loneliness again in my life considering how my life was going. But I guess you can never really run away from what was meant to be. 2 miscarriages in less than a year, wow it's something I would've never expected. The last thing that would come to my mind. Maybe it's God's way of telling me something, maybe it's God's way of preparing me for what my life would become in the future when I actually try to have kids. The first one happened so suddenly and went so suddenly, I wasn't sure how I felt. I was hurt but still trying to process what I even went through in the first place. I left myself breathe deeper and relax. I think I was in total shock that I didn't comprehend what was really happening, I ignored the fact that is was happening that as soon as it blew over I didn't think about it again. I expressed how hurt I was but that I thought I could get through it, you know going through things was my thing. I would fall back down and get back up. The second one hit me though, like a huge slap in my face. A surge of emotions and feelings came all together. Feeling so much guilt, hurt, regret, sickness, shamefullness, embarrassment, loneliness...basically all the feelings you know, I felt. How could I, someone who has wanted nothing more than to become a mother, have lost another pregnancy? I've blamed myself time and time again. Why aren't you good enough? Why couldn't you hold the pregnancy? Why did you not do the right things? How could you not have known? Things I've asked myself time and time again. I feel completely alone trying to get through this situation, no scratch that....this horrific traumatic experience. I feel like I could talk to no-one about it because no matter what I say I feel, nothing anyone says ever makes me feel better. But sometimes just being there physically and listening to me vent or cry is all I need. I think with how hectic my life is I haven't had a chance to soak it all in and cry the loudest cries. And it sucks. I have no outlet cause I'm so busy being strong and being this person people look up to and being this person who always has their shit together that I have no room for mistakes or making myself look like I can't handle things. There's only so much I can handle before exploding like a fucking time bomb. Not to mention how you're not there for me when I need you to be, not to mention that these were your offspring I'm grieving, that these were yours and no-one else's. Not to mention that this kind of tragedy is hard for someone who dreamt all their lives about being a great mother to multiple kids. I feel like someone ripped out a part of me that I'll never be able to get back and where are you? The one who's supposed to make me feel better? All these emotions, all these words. It doesn't mean anything if you don't get it. If you don't feel what I feel at least for the time being. It doesn't help if you cant put yourself in my shoes and feel even the slightest bit of pain that I've been feeling. Why write all this and you not try to at least understand? The pain, the suffering. This is by far one of the hardest things I've ever been through not only cause it's been a dream of mine that's been crushed, but because this is the first time I've ever felt this alone. This is the first time that I haven't looked to anyone for advice or help or comfort words because there's no-one else that would understand but you. And I've tried so many times to help you understand me or help you realize what kind of pain I'm going through but you don't wanna hear it, you don't wanna understand which hurts more than you know. It's not even about pointing fingers or blaming each other. Whatever you want me to admit to fine I admit to them and I'll stop whatever it is you think I'm doing wrong but this is how I've been feeling inside. These are the cries I've cried out for many times and you fail to hear them. I can't express enough how much this whole situation has broken me and the fact that you can't be there for me breaks me even more. I cannot fathom how much I think you don't care because of how you've treated this situation and it hurts, it really hurts. In terms you'll understand, it's more hurtful than when you cheated on me and that tore me to pieces. I don't know how else to explain this to you. But this is it, this is the whole hearted communication you wanted. And to the "babies" I've lost, God only knows how much I wanted to be your mom. It kills me inside knowing that I couldn't be. I'm so so sorry.