#my migraines come

[pupkinpumpkin]

Thinking of Rook always having this mask of humor and chillness at all waking moments, but there are these little moments, where the worry and the stress and the fear are shown in a small downturn of the lips, a quiver of the voice, a furrow of the brow, or a nervous laugh. And then their mask is right back on.

The companions joke about how hard it is to read Rook or they comment on how confident they always look. Rook is their leader and sometimes they seem utterly untouchable.

Then they get sent to the Regret Prison. Everyone is obviously terrified and worried for their safety, but they don't imagine Rook being scared. They imagine Rook blazing through the prison, too stubborn and fierce to be kept down. So the only option is to meet them in the middle. Rook has inspired and helped them all so much that they spend those missing weeks working to get them out, because Rook would've done the same for them.

Finally, after weeks of trial and error, they find a tear in the Fade, just big enough to pull Rook out of. When they pull them out, they expect to see Rook exhausted but relieved. They expect a joke or for Rook to tease them for worrying so much. But that's not what they find.

They find Rook, shaken, sobbing, and scared. There is relief in their eyes, but that mask they always wore is gone, worn away by the prison, revealing all the terror and doubt that they tried so desperately to hide.

For the first time in this entire adventure, Rook is the one who needs to be comforted and taken care of. But that's a lie. Rook always needed help. They were just so busy helping the others with their problems that they never allowed themselves to feel the true weight of their emotions and they NEVER allowed their friends to see how fucking fragile they constantly were. How they were always so close to losing themselves. Rook never truly allowed anyone to see them. Not even their lover.

And now, in this moment where they are finally letting out everything they've kept so hidden, the companions rush to their side. Emmrich is checking if they're hurt, Bellara or Lucanis insists on making them food, Taash or Davrin go look for the comfiest blanket they can find(if Davrin is alive, that blanket is Assan), and, if Harding or Neve is there, they calm Rook down enough to where Rook can finally speak without their voice shaking. Rook's love holds them close while the others all sit around Rook and just listen.

Rook never expected anyone to take care of them, that was their job. They're the leader. Helping everyone else with their problems was enough. But as they explain what happened in the Regret prison, and realize that their friends don't judge or see them any less, Rook feels this profound sense of catharsis. Before Tearstone Island, all the companions set out to deal with their own problems and worries, with Rook by their side, and now each one is here for Rook as they finally let that mask fall and allow themselves to feel everything.

[eternal-sunflowers]

i don't think that people really understand how mentally fucking draining it is to live with chronic illness. like, people talk about it a lot, sure. but i feel like it is constantly kind of a shrugged off thing that people don't understand the weight off.

how exhausting it is to have your body not be able to do things, while your brain carries on as if it can.

how exhausting and painful it is to try to do things and not fully be accommodated for your needs.

how exhausting goddamn brain fog is. it gets me every day it feels like and i'm still surprised.

how exhausting and frustrating it is to be ill and to think you're having a good day, but SURPRISE, here's a flare, or a bunch of symptoms, or whatever, and now you're in pain and can't do anything. you can't make the pain stop. you just have to feel it.

how exhausting it is to know that nothing will take the pain away. that you literally just have to live with it. and that people won't get it. they won't understand that you are constantly in pain, all the time, and just have to act like you aren't.

how exhausting it is to be exhausted. the fatigue is awful. it just catches me and i can't do anything. i can't move or speak or anything. i just have to exist in it.

it's so annoying and exhausting to see my body give up and to know that i can't really do anything to stop it or cure it. it's so exhausting. it makes me want to cry constantly. i feel so tired and worn down and angry and depressed.

and yet, i have to continue on, like a normal functioning member of society. i have people look at me like an imposition. i see people talk down on chronically ill or disabled people online all the time and complain about us ruining society or taking away resources or whatever the fuck bullshit.

and it makes me feel so shitty that society perceives my only worth as my physical ability to contribute to a fucked up system.

and yet, we carry on, day after day, in hopes it will get better.

[tryingahandinholdingapen]

let's combine some tropes

- red eyes are blessed (and therefore Tobirama has been hiding his face (and possibly generally his appearance via seal) bc they're not sure what Uchiha do with red-eyed people)

- Tobirama is a v strong sensor

- He finds Uchiha chakra in general and Madara's chakra in particular to be v pleasant

- He sometimes hides at the edge of Uchiha land borders when he's having a bad day, or just when he feels like it, in order to better immerse himself in chakra he finds comforting

- (and also Butsuma Sucks. he's abusive to his kids, esp Tobirama bc woe red eyes akin to sharingan and Butsuma's never been the most rational about his hatred. on a related note he's a passable clan head but he'd be a lot better if he didn't let said hatred guide his actions more than his reason)

...I don't think this post will get too long but I say that every time and then it does so maybe I should just preemptively stick a read more here??

basically au in which, from a p young age, Tobirama sneaks off to chakra bathe when he's sad or stressed. the Uchiha clan haven't actually found any red-eyed people in a while so the Senju aren't sure what they do with them but rumours still abound and all the rumours Tobirama have heard have generally been... well they've been bad. very bad. but they've also all had a common theme of 'the red-eyed person is not immediately killed on the spot', which is better than Tobirama could hope for from Uchiha as the Senju surety heir. so anytime he's hiding/skulking around the edges of Uchiha land, he makes sure that, unlike usual, his true appearance+eyes are on display as well as ensuring he doesn't have the Senju mon on him anywhere

he absolutely does not want to get caught by the Uchiha but also it's only sensible to take precautions so that if the worst case scenario happens and he IS caught trespassing, he should at least have a bit more time to try and escape, bare minimum, right?

so that's Tobirama's side of things

the Uchiha side of things is more like

okay they haven't found a Blessed in some time now and it's not like there's a strict manual what you should do if you find one. it's more like "these people are important, don't hurt them if at all possible, help and protect them if at all possible, bringing them into the clan and teaching them abt all things Uchiha including our religion would be a very good thing". so there's like some guidelines but it's fairly vague

this means the patrol predominantly made up of fairly new shinobi has absolutely no idea what to do when a while after sun-down they come across a Blessed child fast asleep, but slowly blinking awake, in the branches of a tree near the edge of their lands. like. hello?? small child?? why are you here how are you here do you want some soup

they're only standing around in confused and slightly awed shock for like, 3 minutes MAX but unfortunately that's long enough for the child to wake up properly, take one look at the patrol and then fucking bolt off Uchiha lands

cue surprised and self-recriminating cursing from the Uchiha shinobi. they can't just abandon their patrol route and they're somewhat wary of a potential trap for (relatively) newbie shinobi, so they don't all go after the child. but they do send their fastest after the kid because cmon that's a tiny Blessed!!

no luck, they return empty handed

apparently the Blessed child is unreasonably fast and tricky

damn

what now?

baby Tobirama returns home absolutely furious with himself. he can't believe he fell asleep!!! of all things! yeah he was exhausted and yeah he was snuggled up in warm comforting chakra but to fall asleep in enemy territory! he's so mad at himself. it was stupid and it was reckless and it was incredibly selfish of him to risk such a thing when his family, his clan, need him and- (continues telling himself off for like, 3 hours, until his brothers eventually manage to distract him from his horrible mood)

he doesn't return to Uchiha lands for ages after that. but he does, eventually, return

he isn't spotted every time he sneaks onto Uchiha lands, far from it, maybe one time in twenty or less, but it definitely happens enough times that they must know there's a little red-eyed child who keeps skulking around their territory and then bolting whenever he's spotted. oops. regardless he's very stressed and very sad because one of his little brothers is now gone (I kind of want this to be an au where his brother lives but is now stuck in an arranged marriage/learning to be a diplomat in the capital or smth, but regardless of how Kawamara is gone now and baby Tobirama is very sad abt it) and despite how many times they've spotted him, none of the Uchiha have actually managed to catch him yet, so he deems it worth the risk. (he maybe is not thinking incredibly rationally rn and just willfully disregarding anything against what he wants to do. give him a break his life sucks rn let him have this one thing)

meanwhile the Uchiha are like. where is this tiny Blessed child coming from/going to and why does he keep running away from us? like okay we know there's some horrendous rumours abt what we do with Blessed and we can't correct those rumours bc doing so risks others using Blessed against us but like....if that was the reason this kid was running from us then surely either he'd be trying to hide his features or he'd stop sneaking onto our land?

.....maybe he's not worried abt us noticing there's a Blessed child on our lands. he doesn't seem TOO bothered by us getting glimpses of him in the relative distance after all. so...he doesn't want us to see him close up? why?

..maybe he's like, really obviously from a neutral/enemy clan or something when you get a better look at him? hmmm

maybe he'll let us talk to him/catch him eventually if we keep trying. I mean it doesn't seem like he plans to stop sneaking onto our lands and WE'RE certainly not going to stop so surely its only a matter of time before he realises that if we wanted to actually hurt him we absolutely could have been throwing jutsu or weapons at him from this distance or senbons laced with sedatives or-

(should we do that instead actually? hit the kid with a sedative, deal with the rest later?

no, then we might permanently fuck over any chance of him ever trusting us and that would make helping/protecting/integrating him SO much harder

urgh. you're right I guess. okay)

anyway. maybe the little Blessed kid will relax eventually

(Tobirama does not relax eventually)

they've fallen into a frustrating stalemate in which Tobirama will fairly frequently lurk around Uchiha lands and occasionally an Uchiha will spot him and halfheartedly attempt to catch him, only to fail because Tobirama is unreasonably fast (....part of me wants to start spouting my mokuton secondary agenda again here to explain his Speed) and also they're trying not to hurt him in any way which makes it a lot harder

Tobirama has technically relaxed somewhat in that he's now significantly less worried about the prospect of the Uchiha hurting or catching him (as long as he's obviously red-eyed and absent any Senju mon, at least, all bets are off on missions/battlefields) and has as a result started to a) gradually creep further into Uchiha lands each time bc hey if the Uchiha aren't too much of a threat then it's better to be within the patrols who would stop any bandits or rogue shinobi right? and b) has started wandering off to Uchiha lands whenever he feels like it instead of just when he's near his breaking point. like now whenever he has a free moment he's like 'hmmmm do I want to spend time fucking about with research or with Touka/brothers or do I want to go chakra bathe' and they're all weighed up near equally in his mind

(assuming that said free moment would also give him the time/cover/distraction needed for him to reach Uchiha lands and back without Butsuma noticing, ofc. he isn't stupid nor does he have a death wish. That Man assuming he'd gone traitor would be.............bad.)

so I mean the Uchiha were sort of right in assuming he'd relax once he realised they weren't incredibly intent on hurting/catching him. they were just wrong in hoping he'd relax ENOUGH to let them catch/talk to him

they're very disappointed. however they're also cautiously pleased that the Blessed child has not stopped coming back over and over again, and also that he is gradually coming further into their lands and two months ago when some (significantly less welcome) trespasser turned up and tried to attack the kid he even ran to an Uchiha patrol for help! Admittedly he didn't say anything, or stick around after, but hey he at least trusts them a tiny bit to go to them for help against an enemy, right? Progress! It might take a billion years at this rate but they WILL win over the Blessed kid eventually!

at this point it's been like, at least two years since Tobirama was first spotted. probably significantly more. the stalemate truly is getting a bit ridiculous but neither party is willing to break it for fear it would end badly (and probably specifically end badly for Tobirama/little Blessed child, realistically. given he's a small child and they're an entire clan whose land he is trespassing on, there's v few ways they could break the stalemate which wouldn't risk - at best - the kid simply never returning again or at worst the the kid/Tobirama dying or living but hating+distrusting the Uchiha forever or Tobirama getting kidnapped and suffering [unspecified bad fate bc Tobirama doesnt know which rumours may be accurate but he hates them all])

eventually, fucking years later (I'm imagining Tobirama somewhere between 11 and 16 but truly can't pin it down further it depends if/what plot I include later in this theoretical fic) the stalemate does get broken, but not exactly by choice

Tobirama was on a mission and fairly badly injured. not enough that he's at risk of dying, unless he does something truly incredibly stupid + fucks up his own condition further, but he's in a lot of pain, his adrenaline is sky high, and he generally had a shitty time on the mission. he completed it successfully- barely - but it sucked and he's pretty miserable at the moment. he knows what he SHOULD do is go home and report to the healing hall to be fixed up and then go recount the mission (and his many failures/perceived failures on said mission) to Butsuma but.

but.

he doesn't want to do that

to put it mildly

anyway, the Uchiha is significantly closer than his own clan due to the direction the mission led him in, and he's exhausted and hurt, and his disguise is compromised..

(if it's something physical like a mask/contacts/dyed hair/etc then he lost it on mission or it got washed out due to how So Many Things Happened. if it's something chakra based like a jutsu or seal then he's too low on chakra and too hurt/distracted to maintain it)

...so trying to get all the way past the Uchiha, in his Senju armour but clearly a red-eyed child, when he's too exhausted and injured to guarantee he could succeed in doing so, would be a really bad idea, right? right. like they'd probably see him at best and then they'd know there was a red-eyed Senju kid and far more realistically they'd successfully catch or kill him in this state

so obviously it makes more sense for him to discard everything that marks him as a Senju, whilst he's still conscious+has the chakra to seal it away surreptitiously, and then go nap on Uchiha lands until he's recovered enough to make it home safely

yeah, that's a good idea. he'll do that

(tbf this is a fairly decent tactic but he's also trying to convince himself because when the options are 'soak up the most wonderful chakra he's ever felt and have a nap safely on territory he knows he probably won't be hurt on' or 'go home and get horribly mistreated by Butsuma for doing so badly on a mission before he even gets a chance to rest' he knows which one he wants to pick)

so Tobirama discards his armour and most of his equipment (urgh why is the Senju mon on EVERYTHING he complains to himself) and seals it away, making sure said seal also isn't at all obvious. all the moving he has to do to get this done really sucks because ow. injuries. most of them aren't that bad, a lot of surface wounds, and none of them are fatal, but OW moving so much aggravates almost all of them

this more or less just leaves him in pants, an undershirt, shoes and a kunai pouch. it's....Not A Lot and the paranoia and vulnerability is prickling at him even once he's within Uchiha patrols on their lands and he keeps trying to assure himself he's safe there but it's not working. he's hurt and exhausted and he barely has any chakra left and now he's not even wearing his armour or most of his weapons and he doesn't USUALLY wear his armour on Uchiha lands but he's also usually wearing more and NOT INJURED and more heavily armed and-

to appease his panic so he can actually rest like he'd intended to, instead of just kind of hanging around or scaling some branches/outcropping, he instead finds a tree that has a small burrow at the roots, just big enough for him to fit and evidently not currently in use by whatever animal made it, and curls up in there. he's careful of course not to let any open wounds meet the dirt, that's just asking for infection - thankfully his pants are long and his undershirt has long sleeves, so he just has to curl his hands up in his sleeves and ensure his head is cushioned on the lightweight cloak that thankfully had no clan mon on it - but he feels a lot safer when he's hidden away in an enclosed space

he reaches out to the warm-spice-passion chakra signatures within the Uchiha compound, shifts a bit for the comfiest position he can find in his little hiding place, and finally feels able to relax for the first time since that horrible mission started

there. safe

he falls asleep

meanwhile a Uchiha patrol has found spots of blood and a lot of scuffed up footsteps along their border, plus one spot that's just, a mess of leaf litter and kicked up moss (Tobirama tripped over a tree root when trying to take his chest plate off, immediately felt irrationally angry about it, and kicked at the stupid root to get it back. he then felt stupid himself and pretended it didn't happen. the rest of the mess is bc he was p carelessly dumping his shit on the floor before sealing it away) and they're concerned about it

is this from a fight?? no signs of jutsu tho, or discarded weaponry....hm. at the very least, someone was injured and (given that as far as this patrol knows, all their clan members are accounted for or shouldn't have returned from their missions yet) probably also trespassing

better go investigate

so they do and they find....that's a Blessed. that's the same Blessed that keeps wandering onto their lands, and he's asleep in a fucking hole and bleeding everywhere. oh shit. also where the hell is his shirt?? that is not a proper over-shirt that is underclothing what-

ah fuck what do they do

ah fuck

they know they're supposed to help this Blessed but they also know that a) he's scared of them for some reason. possibly bc he may technically be an enemy to their clan? they have no proof but its a persistent theory over the years and b) he's definitely a shinobi there's no way he could have outran that trespasser without training nor ended up in some of the ridiculous places he's been (hello?? tiny Blessed?? why are you 30 feet up a tree) without the ability to tree-walk

so like. they want to just take him back to their healing halls or something, but if they try that they'll probably just scare the shit out of him and he'd likely hurt them - and more crucially - himself in trying to get away

so they probably shouldn't do that. but they also can't just leave him injured in a hole. he's a Blessed! they can't leave him like this!

so

what do they do??

they have a quiet argument/discussion and ultimately determine that some of them will stay guarding the injured Blessed and some(one) will run back to the compound to firstly explain what's happened + that someone else needs to take over their patrol route and secondly gather what medical supplies they can spare and bring those back here

when the assigned shinobi returns with the supplies they end up accidentally waking the Blessed, which unfortunately immediately confirms their worries because he freaks the fuck out. he seems to want to run but swiftly determines he couldn't get out of the fucking hole + past them without them letting him, and instead twists with a pained hiss, bringing his hands up to hide his face and build as much as possible

which is interesting. he doesn't go to hide his hair, nor specifically to hide the red eyes that mark him as Blessed, no he goes to hide other potential identifiers....which kind of suggests he is indeed from an enemy clan. hm. damn. doesn't make him any less a Blessed but oh boy that may complicate things later on

(hc for the purposes of this fic that as a kid/early teen Tobirama looked fairly generically (mainline) Senju, apart from his colouring, and it wasn't until mid teens when he got a massive growth spurt and his face started changing more that he began to look more like his (outclan) mother and taller+slimmer+narrower than the average Senju, with pointer facial features, and just generally look a lot less like Butsuma+less obviously Senju)

the Uchiha silently and unanimously agree that this would go better if he DIDN'T feel like the wounded cornered animal he currently is, so they get the fuck out of the way. they don't go too far away, still within view, but they make sure the Blessed has a clear run out of the hole and off/away, if he wants. they also ensure that the medical supplies are very visible within that cleared space

a minute or so later they're rewarded when the Blessed stops cowering, and shoots past them faster than they would have believed possible. he takes the medical supplies on his dash past though - victory! woo!

they have a little discussion whilst they wait for him to get whatever he feels is a safe distance away, and decide that yeah that behaviour definitely indicates he thinks some sort of familial resemblance or something is a) noticable and b) gives him reason to fear the Uchiha's discovery of such. so. probably from an enemy clan

but...he's Blessed, and he hasn't tried to hurt any of them or actually get far enough into their territory to spy, or anything like that at all as far as they've noticed, so...?

plausible deniability, they decide. plausible deniability is going to be the name of the game, here

they'll just pretend not to notice he's present/a potential threat and hopefully he'll pretend right back

(also, interestingly, when they send someone to try and follow after the Blessed from a distance, they find that he hasn't bolted away from Uchiha lands as he has every time previously he was spotted. as they expected him to do now, when he's probably feeling cornered and threatened as well as being injured. no, instead he's stayed well within the area the Uchiha patrol (if anything he's actually gone further within Uchiha territory which, what?) and has found another substandard hiding place in which he's using the offered medical supplies to clean and tend to what injuries he can, and then he actually goes to sleep right there. he leaves when he wakes up a few hours later, and they don't try to stop him - REALLY not the time - but. hm. interesting)

anyway that whole encounter pretty thoroughly breaks the stalemate

after that, the Uchiha clan (specifically their patrols) and Tobirama somehow develop a whole new dynamic which honestly is almost identical to the Uchiha attempting to gradually befriend and lure a feral cat into their home, meanwhile Tobirama gradually starts leaving metaphorical dead mice on their doorstep

it's...yeah, it's really weird, actually, but. it's working?? so??

[spaciebabie]

would you believe me if i said i kept this mostly spoiler free...?

[nshi-ao3]

I, uh, accidentally deleted the ask, but-- I got asked if I could draw a little Akechi... and I do need to test out my new tablet, so... Here you go??!

(It's... a reference to this. Make of it what you will??)

[theladart]

Rapidash/Rainbow Dash ponymon fusion: Firestorm!

Inspired by @pinxpony‘s Pinkie Pie/Flaffy fusion, Flaffy Taffy (hope you don’t mind the tag :P)

Edit: Found out that the rapidash pic I got for reference is a fakemon mega evo designed by CaseyDeanFakemon on Deviantart

[mannequinswithkillappeal]

assad zaman as "prem"

[shorthaltsjester]

what if i said imogen is a better metaphor for generational trauma than she is for chronic pain or queerness

[comfysofti]

Some thoughts on The Fury because im absolutely obsessed with her and still can't get over the fact how much she was expanded

Aka me rambling about how I see her chapter, whatever, idk how else to call this-

Everything's under the cut

(｡>﹏<｡)

No matter how you get Fury, through Tower or Adversary, it's always circles back to her inflicting her pain on you. But is she wrong for doing that? I don't really think so

"This one is desecration. She placed the weight of her agony on you, yet it is she who unwound herself. There is passion and empathy buried under her unfeeling skin. She will make for a weathered heart."

What is desecration?

Desecration - the action of damaging or showing no respect towards something holy or very much respected

In one way or another, we do desecrate her. Or lead her in doing so to herself. In Adversery, despite there being multiple scenarios leading to Fury, we still desecrate her or lead her to desecration by denying her what she wants, what she believes we want too - a good fight. Even if it means dying over and over. To get one of her achievements, you have to kill her, even if for a brief moment. Her bloodlust, and us, the player, not satisfying it, leads to her desecration in a way. Overwhelmed with anger and agony, Fury from Adversary still thrives for combat and is, rather ecstatic if player defyingly keeps approaching her, and tries to fight her even as we're getting unwound

In terms of Tower this is more obvious. There's only one way for us to get to Fury through her - make her force her hand on us, someone she sees as something lowly. She believes herself to be an unstoppable god, something holy and sacred. And how dare we, not only, hurt and defy her authority, but also make her force her hand on us? She's arrogant and selfish, so when this happens, she feels like she was tainted. Like we - a mere mortal, nothing but a rock under her feet, tainted her very being. Overwhelmed with anger she wants to take revenge on us, for denying her ascension and turning her into Fury. She believes it's all our fault. For we tainted her flesh, for we dared to break the leash she was using on us

Either of them can end up unwounding you. Atom by atom. And when she does so, she wants to make us understand her. Her pain. Her change

"are you still there? Are you still you?"

Fury from Adversary starts to unwound us to make us continue the fight. To return the spark of bloodlust. Fury from Tower unwounds us to hurt us and destroy us. But is that what they truly want? Just our suffering and nothing else? In the endless cycle?

"What is a person? Is it their body? Is it all of their body? Pluck the eyes, peel the skin, strip the tendons, mince the meat, grind the bones. When it is all gone, do you still have who you started with?"

We changed her drastically. We changed her into this monster of flesh, only capable of pain and hurt. Only capable of unwounding and hurting and destroying and changing. But never healing. She isn't something positive. She's pain, anger, hatred

She wants us to understand how much pain we had brought upon her flesh to make her into this monstrosity. She unwounds us. She changes us in ways that makes it impossible for us to exist. Just like we did with her. She wants us to understand, yet we can't

We only feel pain from her actions. We'll never understand her. Because she can unwound us time and time again, but in the end of the day, we'll never know what she's thinking. We'll never truly know her pain. Unless we would share body and mind with her

That's why she unwounds herself as well, trying to fuse us together. She presents herself to us at her weakest, most naked form. Offering her very heart for you. To make you one. To make you truly understand. To feel what she felt. To see what she sees

But before we're able to do that, she's taken away

"Do not mourn her - she has finally found peace."

She found her peace once she was reunited with Shifting Mound, but even after she was, we still can't understand her, can't we?

[befuddled-calico-whump]

Total $hit$how: Thorns Around His Throat

in which Hunter makes a choice

cw: referenced violence, manipulation, crude language, vaguely alluded past dubcon, brief emeto mention. Further warnings will be in the tags for spoiler purposes.

previous // masterlist // next

×~×~×

“Where was he taken?”

“I don't know, I—I saw a van, I remember part of the plate.”

“They can't be too far. We need to find him.”

Jericho and makeup guy were spouting back and forth, nervous colors buzzing around their heads like tv static. Hunter probably should've left as soon as makeup guy (Benny or whatever) came in. Gone back to his room, gone back to Vic, something. Should've left before Jericho could start digging into him, looking for answers he didn't really want.

What was he gonna do about it? Hunter hurt Sahota and Vic told him to, so the fuck what? They were all stuck here until the mission was done, whether they liked Vic’s methods or not. Hunter would find a way to stay, earn it however he had to, whether Jericho approved of it or not. 

He didn't need his approval. He didn't need to listen to him. Jericho had a family. Kids or something. Parents who still wanted to know where he was even as a grown ass adult. He didn't get it, couldn't get it.

And anyway, Vic hadn't meant it. He was just testing Hunter, just making sure he really wanted it, making sure he could listen. And even if he did mean it, who cared? Hunter had done worse things for worse people, taken beatings for bosses who didn't give a shit about him. At least Vic cared. At least Vic would tell him he did good when it was all over.

He wondered if Sahota was in the same boat. What had got him to stay? It wasn't something Hunter'd thought about before now, even though it had always been obvious that this was more than just a job to Sahota. Did Vic bandage his cuts after the interrogation? Tell him good job while he bled? The mental image made him want to cringe away. Wounds he'd caused, twinging jealousy in his stomach.

Sahota was scared of Vic, but Hunter was a little bit scared of him too. He had no doubt Vic could break him apart if he wanted. Put him in his place just like he had with Sahota.

“Is Joy back?”

“She should be by now.”

“We'll need her help. I don't think—” Benny glanced at Hunter, the yellow haze around him darkening a shade. He lowered his voice, but Hunter still heard him.

“Do we tell Vic?”

“Yeah,” Hunter said. Because he looked away. Because he was trying to keep it from him. “I'll get him.”

“I'll get him,” Jericho said, and the purple in his core swirled with a darker shade. Because of Vic? Because of Hunter? Or was he just afraid for Manak, who was stupid enough to get nabbed?

Vic wouldn't be happy. Maybe he'd order them to leave it, let Manak stay kidnapped, wipe the arrogant look off his face. The thought was supposed to be vindicating, but then he pictured Manak, tied up, bleeding like Sahota—

Fuck. Fuck this. 

Jericho left him alone with makeup guy, who stayed standing, arms twisted around himself, silent. Hunter looked away from his nervous, shifting yellow, looking for something else, anything else, even as his head pounded along with his heart.

The headaches were basically background noise now, a constant dull pain that could be ignored. At least for a little while, at least when he wasn't trying to find something specific. His eyesockets still throbbed from trying to find a path through the computer earlier, but it was fine. It was fine.

Jericho came back before long, the dark spot in his chest bigger than it was before. Vic was a few steps behind him, followed by muscle girl, and… Sahota. His face was swollen, mottled with purple and red. Same cold eyes, not even looking Hunter's way. Same slate gray.

Hunter turned his attention to his hands, nails digging at the scabbed-over part of his knuckles, focusing on the blooming rosepetals there as his stomach tried to twist itself loose.

“Tell me what happened,” Vic said above him, and Hunter glanced up in time to see Benny tear his eyes off Sahota's busted face, a dark ribbon coiling around his throat.

“Shit,” he whispered, his voice shaking, and Hunter dropped his head, pinching the inside of his wrist until daisies began to bloom there.

“Mr. Ruebin.”

“Fuck. Yeah. We, we found the drop site, but it was rigged with some kind of alarm. Some guys showed up in a van, and just… grabbed Kaius. Drove away. I— I don't even know what direction, I just ran.”

“Was it Finley?” Muscle girl spoke up.

“I don't know who else it would be.”

“Did you find anything at the site?” Vic said.

“Wh— no. Kaius is gone, isn't that more important?”

“The mission is more important.”

He could hear Jericho exhale. “Can't we do both? If we find Kaius, we'll find Finley. Won't that help?”

“We don't have the time.”

“Don't we need him for the mission?”

Even though what he was saying made sense, every word of pushback wound Hunter tighter. If Vic said no, it was for a reason, right? Vic knew better, right?

“We can accomplish what we need to with only four of you.”

“But—”

“Or maybe three.”

Hunter could read the threat there without even looking up, and Jericho didn't say anything else.

“What happens to him then?” Muscle girl cut in, and Hunter's nails dug in deeper at her words.

“He's smart, isn't he? I'm sure he'll find a way out.”

“Just let two of us go after him. It doesn't need to be the whole team.”

“We have other things to get done. Can't spare anyone.”

“Not even for a night? I won't sleep. Sahota…”

Hunter looked up again when she said his name, but the handler's gray was as cold as ever. His brows tipped down as she looked up at him, something darkening in his chest.

Was it fear again? He knew what Hunter knew, what everyone else refused to accept; Vic was in charge here. You couldn't push against him. This had only happened because of their defiance in the first place. If they'd just listened, they could've picked a different target.

“Even if we let you go, the chance of you finding him is slim at best," Sahota said in an empty voice. "Better to not waste any more time.”

Muscle girl's color deflated like an old balloon, dimming as it crumpled in on itself.

“Glad we're all on the same page,” Vic said. “It's unfortunate the drop site yielded so little, but we're capable of moving forward. Mr. Davis, we'll check your traps first thing in the morning and you can work on gathering data from there. Everyone else, start working on an entry plan. Mission's set for the end of the week. Are we clear?”

Hunter nodded, keeping his eyes on the ground. It didn't matter if Benny and the others knew he'd hurt Sahota. It didn't matter if Jericho was mad at him, or thought he was an idiot. All he had to do was make it to the end of the week without fucking up, and then everything would be okay. He glanced up in time to see Vic leave, Sahota tailing behind him. The other three stayed in place, settled in a stubborn kind of quiet.

He could tell they wanted to talk to each other, held back by his presence. Even Jericho knew he'd side with Vic now, just as much as he knew they wanted to oppose him. Would they be dumb enough to actually act on it though? An uneven trail of stars was swirling around muscle girl, a few of them breaking loose to pass Jericho. When she left the room in silence, he followed a few steps behind. Benny gave it a few minutes, arms still wrapped around himself, and then left the library after them.

They had to be going to the same place. To talk where Hunter wouldn't hear, to cook up another plot against Vic, as if that wouldn't get them in even more trouble. He knew they wanted to go after Manak, that Jericho’s "we're a team" extended more to him than it ever would to Hunter. Could he stop them? He knew they wouldn't listen---why the fuck would they?---but he could threaten to tell Vic. 

He could tell Vic. Show the others once and for all that he cared more about his place here than any of them, that he'd rather chase Vic's approval than Manak’s life, and that was the truth, wasn't it? It was Manak's own fault that this happened, not Hunter's, so why should he have to suffer for it? Why should Manak get to drag everyone else down with him?

With gritted teeth, Hunter left the library, trying to ignore the throbbing in his eye sockets as he looked for the stars muscle girl was dropping. They went back to Jericho's room, it looked like. Door closed, voices muffled inside. 

Should he just knock? Make the threat and hope it was enough to scare them into reason? His fist clenched, but his arm wouldn't budge. Instead he held his breath, trying to listen.

“...after dark is our best chance, right? Vic's gotta sleep at some point.”

“There's a truck up top. I can drive us.”

"How far was it?"

"About an hour."

"I can cut that down."

That was enough to confirm what Hunter already knew. He wasn't surprised, but maybe… a little bothered that they wouldn't listen. A little bothered that they were so sure he'd snitch that they didn't even consider inviting him in.

Well. He would. So they were fucking right about that, he guessed.

But... what if he didn't?

Hunter considered the option for a moment. The idea of walking away, going to bed, trying to sleep off this damn headache, getting up the next day like nothing was off. What would happen if he let them go, but then told them he'd known all along? Would that open up a way for them to trust him? To not hate his fucking guts?

And what happens then?

So maybe they could work together better. Maybe they could be a team, like Jericho said. Maybe even friends, even if it was stupid to expect that much. But then they'd run the mission and it would all be over. Everyone else would go home, and he'd… 

Alone again. Jelly and the rest didn't wait for you, you knew they wouldn't.

Would Vic still want him to stay if he knew Hunter'd kept something like this from him? 

Probably not, not if he knew he couldn't trust him. Lies never worked for long. Hidden things were always found. 

Vic had already promised him a chance at being part of something, something he'd never get from the rest of the team. And maybe Sahota hated him, but let him. Hunter'd lived with plenty of people who'd hated him and survived it, but if Vic kicked him out, he didn't know where he'd go next. Back to Chicago to try and get back into dealing? Back to Rex? He shuddered.

No. Not an option. Fuck the team. They'd already sided against him, why should he try now? It wasn't like he was really screwing them over anyway. They'd done it to themselves when they decided to defy Vic.

Hunter stumbled backwards, trying not to make a sound as he crossed the hall, making a beeline for Vic’s office. When he pushed the door open, his trainer was standing at the head of his desk, flipping through sheets of paper. The green drifting around Vic’s form sharpened with his gaze, a darker shade that might've been annoyance softening when he realized who it was.

At least someone wasn't pissed off at the sight of him.

“Hunter.”

He swallowed. “V--Sir.” Shit, where did he start? He felt like a snitch, but shouldn't he? No. Fuck. Whatever. Vic was looking at him with his eyebrows raised now, new color tainting his green. Fuck.

“Sorry. It's important,” he said. “They're… the other three are gonna go after Manak. I overheard them.” He swallowed again, eyes darting away from Vic's desk, hands twisting around themselves. Vic's color hardly shifted. It got… darker, maybe. Sharper somehow, but there was no flash of surprise or anger. 

“I thought it might happen eventually. They're an emotional lot. Unfortunately, that's what you get pulling from the general public.” He set down the stack of papers, falling silent.

“Y-yeah,” Hunter agreed, pinching the skin on the inside of his wrist as hard as he could, eyes dropping to watch daisies sprout from the reddening skin. “Are you gonna stop them?” It felt wrong to ask.

Vic hummed. “No,” he said after a moment. “They can have their crusade. I'll deal with it in the morning.”

Hunter glanced up, but Vic's color was static. He was just gonna let them go? Why?

“What if they don't come back?”

Vic let out a flat chuckle. “They'll come back.”

How did he know? Maybe he didn't. Maybe he just didn't care. Maybe if everyone else ditched it'd just be Hunter, Vic, and Sahota on the mission. Like how it would be in the future, if he managed to not fuck it up.

“Come here.”

Hunter glanced up again, saw Vic pointing at the desk chair. Vic's chair. His tone wasn't trouble, or a warning like it had been for Sahota a few days ago. It was almost something welcoming, almost something soft.

Hunter took the seat, trying not to fidget, trying to keep his attention on Vic. The smell of chlorine stung his nose.

“You have your priorities straight, Hunter,” Vic said, moving beside him to tuck the papers into a folder. “You know what's important, even if the rest of them cave to their feelings.”

“Manak… Manak would be fine on his own,” Hunter said. He didn't know why. Manak didn't matter, he didn't care about Manak.

“True,” Vic said. “But more than logic, I appreciate your loyalty. The importance of obedience is lost on the rest of them. Something that should be corrected before we get into the thick of things.”

“Yeah.” Hunter’s spine seemed to go even straighter when his trainer moved to stand behind him, laying both hands on his shoulders, the chlorine smell clinging to him, smothering.

“I’m proud of the choice you made tonight. You'll be a wonderful addition to my team.”

Light seemed to burst through the tangle of vines in his chest. This was what he wanted, what he needed. He could be whatever Vic asked him to, he could stay.

He could stay, he could stay, he could stay.

It rang through his head, seeming to rise with his heartbeat as a calloused hand gripped his jaw and lifted his head, fingers digging into his cheek, holding him still as Vic’s lips pressed into his.

I can stay, I can be—

The chlorine smell was choking him now, burning his throat, and all he could do was sit there, any thoughts or words or movements split like broken wire.

Vic pulled back, just inches, but Hunter still couldn't move.

“Vic—”

“Shh.” The hand left his chin, moving up to his hair, turning from a stroke to a jerk that pulled a startled yelp from Hunter.

Somehow, the chlorine smell got stronger at the sound, Vic's mouth covering his again.

He felt like he couldn't breathe. “I don't—”

“You want to be a part of my team, hm?” Vic murmured, breath hot and chemical on Hunter's face. “Don't you?”

Yes. But not… he hadn't pictured this.

“I…”

Vic straightened, his hands leaving Hunter, color darkening. “Or maybe not,” he said, his voice immediately cool. “Maybe I misjudged you.”

“No, that's not—”

“Don't lie to me.” The words weren't screamed, or the danger-quiet of a threat, but they were still sharp, twisting in his gut like a knife.

“Vic, I'm— no, I didn't mean that.”

“Then what did you mean? I've poured a lot of time into you. Gave your training a level of attention the others could never hope to earn.”

Is this what he earned? 

“I'm sorry,” Hunter mumbled, digging his nails into his palms. “I just— You surprised me.” 

“I'm not sure I believe you.” The way Vic’s green was growing darker made him want to throw up. Had he already lost his chance?

“I'll prove it. I won't— I was just caught off guard, please.”

Vic seemed to consider his words, the murkiness in his green dissolving as he stepped closer, seized Hunter's chin, and pulled him into another kiss. This time, Hunter kissed him back, trying, trying to show that he meant it, that he could do this, that this was okay.

“There we go,” Vic murmured against his ear. “Good boy.”

He wanted this, he wanted this. He just wanted to be wanted, he was wanted, it didn't matter how.

Hunter leaned into his trainer, trying to lock onto his body heat and not the heavy smell, but Vic stepped away, a fist bunching into the collar of his t-shirt, tight enough to almost choke him.

“I knew I made the right choice, taking a chance on you.”

Hunter tried to shift his weight, to let up some of the pressure from his throat.

“You know how to follow orders, don't you, Hunter?”

“Yeah.” He could, he'd be perfect, and fuck, Vic was looking at him in a way that could've been loving but it made his skin crawl, and his head hurt so bad. Vic gave the fabric of his collar a sharper twist, and Hunter moved with his fist, knees nearly caving in. He could feel the blood building up in his throat, but Vic's gaze was soft on him, his green brightening with something pleasant; he liked this.

Was it so bad if he did? Hunter could take it. He'd had partners with a thing for pain before and it wasn't that bad. Sometimes it was even fun, just handing over control, letting someone do whatever they fucking wanted to him, anything to get them to stay, anything to get them to want to be there.

“Look at you,” Vic murmured in a voice that felt silken and heavy. “There's something you're suited for.”

His grip loosened abruptly, letting Hunter hit the ground, the brightness never leaving his silhouette.

“I'm finished here for the night,” his trainer said, turning his back as Hunter stood, weight heavy on the office chair. “Why don't you come with me?”

Where? To his room? To bed? Hunter's stomach churned, but he nodded all the same. He wanted this. He liked Vic, he liked Vic liking him, he was just caught off-guard. He wasn't supposed to be caught off-guard. He was adaptable, he could roll with anything, withstand anything, do anything Vic wanted.

Is this what it's like to be loved?

Maybe, fucking maybe.

Vic's eyes were still on him. “What’s your implant showing you right now?”

Petals and vines, coiling inside and around him like anxious snakes. Murky carwash-soap rainbow in his head, filling up his skull with a building pressure, oozing out his eye sockets. Thorns around his throat.

“Dead silver,” he lied. It was what he saw back in the room, with Sahota. The warning before, spinning around them both. The shapes dropping like zapped bugs and melting on the ground. Where were they now? When he looked for shapes, all he could find were Cavan’s stupid stars, fading slowly.

“Where does it lead? To me?”

I want this, I want this, I'll stay, I'll learn.

Hunter rubbed his throat unconsciously, forcing his arm to drop when he realized what he was doing. The pain there was hardly an ache. If that was what Vic wanted, that's what Vic would get.

“Mhm.”

×~×~×

@theonewithallthefixations , @violets-whumperflies , @whump-me , @pirefyrelight , @soheavyaburden

@snakebites-and-ink , @whumpsday , @kixngiggles , @echo-goes-aaa , @whumpcateyes ,

@clickerflight , @sodacreampuff , @starfields08000 , @neverthelass

[purlturtle]

Here's to everyone who made it through the holidays by the skin of their teeth.

Here's to the respite after.

Don't worry if you have a day (or five) where you're down and exhausted - you masked and fronted and swallowed a lot; give yourself some grace while you recuperate from that.

Rest now, be kind to yourself (and to others who might be in the same boat).

(especially in the northern hemisphere where days are short and dreary this time of year.)

[chicago-geniza]

Okay I feel BAD. But we have matzo ball soup and ginger ale and green juice and Earl Grey tea en route and I believe that we will win. In the war against Raya's compromised immune system I am joining the side of Raya's compromised immune system

[shabbyshoebox]

Gave myself a migraine by playing too much Stardew and I took a fat nap, it went away,

And now I'm playing Stardew

[tj-crochets]

Hey y'all! Question for all my fellow migraine-havers out there: Are allergy migraines a thing? And if so, are they usually treated by treating the migraine or by treating the allergy? I get migraines, light sensitivity, nausea, sometimes visual aura, all that stuff, but only ever as part of an allergic reaction. Headache medications barely touch it, darkness and caffeine and sleep help, but the thing that helps the most is benadryl. If I catch the migraine as it's starting, I can usually stop it or at the very least make it significantly less bad with a single children's chewable benadryl (I am aware I am very, very lucky in that and am so glad to have figured out the benadryl trick, I've ended up in the ER from untreated migraines causing severe dehydration before) My migraines showed up on my MRI* but my allergists have said it shouldn't work like that and idk that I've ever heard someone else mention taking antihistamines as a migraine medication, except maybe as an antinausea thing? *"consistent with sequelae of migraines" was the official wording, I think

[natasha-in-space]

Actually, now that I think about it, Jaehee probably has no idea that she can be perceived as 'pretty' or 'beautiful' by someone. She has stated multiple times that she does not care much for her looks when it comes to appearing 'pretty', she has given up on dating altogether (and while it was definitely mostly due to how busy she is, I can't help but think that, on some level, it left her feeling at least somewhat 'unattractive'), and she is very visibly stumped whenever Zen or you actually compliment her on anything besides her wits and abilities. I feel like she has come to terms with being the stereotypical 'smart reliable friend' that is there to give advice, but never actually does or gets anything for herself.

It's only when you come into her life and start encouraging her to actually seek out her own happiness, no matter how small or silly it is, does she start expressing her desires to change something in her appearance. That she'd like to grow out her hair. That she doesn't actually need glasses. That there are some clothes she finds cute or comfy.

Can't help but think of her slowly finding genuine fulfillment through experimenting with her appearance. Her looking at herself in the mirror one day, after a nice and lovely shopping date with you, and, for the first time in a while, finding herself thinking that she looks pretty. Trying out new makeup looks, cute dresses, silly matching sweaters with you that will leave her giggling whenever she puts them on. And, as her hair grows longer, fiddling with all kinds of hairstyles, from quick and easy to elaborate and fancy. It's all so new, but so liberating.

I love how you can kind of see that progression in her through the CG's. Starting with her strictly professional looks and gradually morphing into more comfy and cutesy clothes we sometimes get to see on her.

Oh how I wish we could see how long-haired Jaehee dresses casually...

[still--kicking]

migraines are a bitch what do you mean my head hurts because it's raining???