#my mental illness was so strong and it still spans to today

[iamespecter]

I LOVE that FNAF SB art you did with Vanny, Monty, and Roxy capturing Chica!

Please please tell me where I can read your Glamrock Chica analysis! I'm a long-time FNAF fan and I LOOOOOVE hearing people's analyses and theories! 🤩

The connections people make amaze me all the time and I love when someone connects some dots and is tapping the paper going "See?! Look at these! Isn't that odd?!" and I'm on the edge of my seat going "OMG that is so odd! Please tell me more my brainy friend!"

Thanks!! Tbh, I wanna remake these again sometime because these were made back in 2023 and I wanna see how far my skills have gone now lol

Also I would LOVE to give you the link to my Glamrock Chica analysis, but that's on twitter.... and the thought of going back to twitter..... /neg

So instead I will put the google docs version here! Btw, this analysis was done way before Ruin (specifically, this was back in 2022), which means there could be some outdated information in it.

Also, I don't trust word by mouth, and by extension, Ruin. With Scott's history of retconning, and the very obvious lack of regard towards Chica.... yeah. This means this is an analysis that only applies to Security Breach entirely.

WARNING FOR LONG READ!

So, about Chica.

It's been thrown around that she barely has any personality to go with based on in-game when I digress about that fact. I've actually been studying Chica's movements to the best I can, casually looking up every canon footage on yt and going to the wiki for recorded audio proofs. The only thing I wish is that people would dig up a datamine about each animatronic animations so I can see them in clearer light.

But setting aside that for now, let's talk about something Chica audio-related.

So I've been thinking. Chica's speech pattern is definitely peculiar, especially if you compare it to the rest of the Glamrocks. Her speech is definitely reminiscent of that a pre-programmed voiceline, and perhaps, it is at some point. However, going further than that even, what makes Chica stand out amongst the rest is one thing: Her calling out for GREGORY BY NAME.

Freddy knowing Gregory's name is obvious, Gregory introduced himself to him. But why does Chica know, when Gregory has never talked, nor introduced himself to Chica once?

Is it the Fazwatch? Yes, but indirectly.

Did she overhear it? Impossible, her green room is the farthest away from Freddy.

My answer: Vanessa. Or more accurately, Vanny. She knows Gregory's name because of the Fazwatch.

But this.... this doesn't make sense! If Chica says it, how come Roxy and Monty don't? They never call Gregory by his name, not even once! I truly believe that they DON'T KNOW GREGORY'S NAME. You can argue that perhaps, it's just their method of speaking. i.e, "kid" and "little guy", and it's a bit that but I really think otherwise.

Why? it's because they're not under influence like Chica is. More on that later. (elaborated further on "About Roxy and Monty.... and why Chica is odder in terms of hunting methods than the two.")

Something I wanna bring to the table as well: Chica may be selectively mute. Or to be more precise, is going through traumatic mutism.

I've talked about this a bit with my friends on discord, this is something that I've found. We know for a fact that Chica's voice is pretty damn powerful. Enough to make Freddy's voice more gravelly than it is, and to produce high frequencies that disable voice-activated locks. A blessing for players, but a curse for the chicken.

Therefore, what if Chica doesn't want to speak at all outside of the hack?

Some evidences to back this up:

The biggest clue of them all, The duffelbags.

A report about her upgrade shows that her experimental voicebox caused impairment to bot navigations, and a lot of chaos + lawsuits from party attenders. This voicebox was never replaced despite advisement saying (which makes me wonder what the hell happened to her old voicebox-), so I think Glamrock Chica developed a fear of raising her tone, or speaking entirely.

(- MAINT LOG: CHICA - Don't let her sing! Messes with the navigation of the other bots. Horrible results when she sang during live performance. S.T.A.F.F. bots dropping serving trays, chaos, guest injuries, 12 lawsuits. Experimental voice box test failed. Replacement advised. -)

The vents scene. Out of everyone, Glamrock Chica NEVER spoke in the vents section.

We never hear a sound from her, not even a squeak, a grunt, a sigh or a sound of acknowledgement. She just... plays her guitar. We hear Monty raging in his room, Roxy complementing herself, And Freddy, well, being Freddy. In fact, we never get to hear ANYTHING from her verbal-wise, that is until she begins chasing down Gregory. You know, when she's already hacked.

Staying around Chica's vicinity.

After a round or two of her voicelines, Chica starts sobbing. What's weird is that this "crying" is almost silent. Like, she doesn't wanna allow anyone to hear it. She's holding it back but at the same time, she just can't. Here's a yt video that a poster explains how they got this line: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cK7cQphVgZw

Lastly, her voiceline's tone.

She speaks in a sing-song manner, yet sometimes it sounds almost like a whisper. Reminiscent of Vanny's tone as well. What does help back this last evidence is the fact that Freddy has a scrapped voiceline in the Burntrap fight with the SAME DAMN SING-SONG TONE.

Also, can we please talk about Chica's behavioral pattern?

Not enough people point this out, but like damn. Does she look SO uninterested when chasing you down. Her shoulders are slumped, she's tilting her head lazily, and she slowly jogs towards you. Not to mention, that when she spawns behind you and when she's idle/stops in her patrol route to look around, she will momentarily stop to twitch, making various clicking servos noises as if the programming is glitching back and forth... or she's actively being hacked.

And what's up with her green room while we're on the topic of her behavior?

An easy answer would be that she's of course, a starter antagonist. An enemy designed to introduce you to the game's mechanics, a base foe that's a little bit easier to evade and/or fight than others. (they kinda failed lol)

However, a lore-wise answer would be that she's being forced against her will to do so. She doesn't wanna chase down Gregory and hurt him, but unfortunately Vanny's overriding her programming completely, so she can't do anything but watch as her body does the hunting for her.

Aside from that, I think the glitching out must be a result of Chica's original programming (unsuccessfully) trying to fight off the control, hence the momentary idle when she spawns in after being alerted unlike the two who immediately rushes in to attack.

Most people in the fandom believe that Chica's glitch and twitchiness comes from the fact that her insides are being messed up by her eating trash.

I can see where they're coming from, but I kind of... don't believe this? Mostly because one, Fazbear Entertainment is absolutely aware of Chica's habit to eat, therefore this "eating" thing was never intended to be a glitch but rather a feature (I'm definitely certain it's to promote their food since that's the most obvious answer), which means she definitely has a pouch for the food she eats somewhere in her torso. And two, she throws up the trash she eats (if you watch her closely in the cameras), so it doesn't stay there long enough to mess with her insides.

Chica's mannerisms of eating trash is definitely a result of stress eating, though.

Oh, and before I forget, what about Chica's Green Room? Why is it that compared to others, hers is the messiest (excluding the damage Monty did to his, of course) ? I'm talking pizza boxes scattered everywhere on the floor, desserts, trashbags and junk food all around, like a depression room, almost. My friend Nexus once again, assumes this to be because Chica is programmed to have ADHD to be "relatable", and this much I believe.

Chica is shown in the intro to do "dino arms". Dino/T-Rex arms are a common symptom for neurodivergency (and I tend to do this as well), often done subconsciously. Also, I think it's pretty funny considering Chica is a chicken, and chickens are said to be the closest relative to Dinosaurs.

Her being the easiest to lose once Gregory makes enough distance and goes around enough corners may also be something intentionally programmed into her. Neurodivergent people tend to lose track of things easily, and get distracted by something that piques their interest (something I relate way too well)

It's also possible that dancing may be a way to let extra energy loose for Chica. I think it's safe to assume that Chica can canonically dance, if Mazercise is taken into account for this. People with ADHD have too much energy in them should it be something they love to do, and they need an outlet for these kinds of things.

her "bawking" is possibly verbal stimming, as no other Glamrocks produce animalistic sounds like her when they are hit with the fazerblaster/flashed by the fazcam.

The difficulty of her maintaining her room as clean as the others could also be seen as part of her neurodivergent programming.

I can't help but see these evidences to be a part of a neurodivergent programming, possibly coded to be like this in favor of relatability. Knowing Fazbear Entertainment, coding one of their robots to have ADHD makes absolute sense if it meant raking in more money towards the teens.

Dumpster Diving: Trying to explain why Chica eats trash

Ah, yes. Stress eating. What seems to be a minor problem, but is quite prominent amongst people. Stress eating is a result of finding comfort in putting food in your mouth for temporary relief. Emotional eating is eating as a way to suppress or soothe negative emotions, such as stress, anger, fear, boredom, sadness and loneliness. Major life events or, more commonly, the hassles of daily life can trigger negative emotions that lead to emotional eating.

So, we know Chica is a compulsive eater. It seems that at every opportunity she can, she'd try to stuff her face with garbage. But why specifically garbage?

It's a literal take for "junk food", basically. Unhealthy foods are often called to be garbage food that provides temporary satisfaction, but can definitely mess you up in the long run depending on how much you eat. (thanks to my friend Nexus on this theory)

Her systems may have confused trash for pizza, however this may also be unlikely but I just wanna throw this out there.

This is an unhealthy coping mechanism. With the stress of losing Bonnie as her bandmate, and the addition of her body moving on it's own, I think she's trying to cope by eating the closest thing to food as kitchen supplies are kept away from her, which are leftovers thrown away.

About Roxy and Monty.... and why Chica is odder in terms of hunting methods than the two.

I'm definitely gonna be scrutinized by the community with this, but.... I don't think Roxy and Monty are under control. And I get it, a lot of y'all favor the others over Chica.

I just want you all to hear me out for a second, though. I've been doing my own fair share of researching the other two.

...Not as much as I did with Chica, but just enough to know that they're not hacked like she is.

it could be:

Monty is doing this hunting thing all on his own, full-stop. He didn't need to get Aftoned, since he and Vanny could have established a deal with each other. Vanny gets kids to gather remnant from, and Monty is promised the lead role. Something that we know he DESPERATELY WANTS, if you've seen the Monty Golf Arcade stage. (Which I think gives us something new to think about why Freddy isn't hacked in the first place)

Roxy is not hacked, but she's not doing this hunting thing out of free will either. I think she was peer pressured (or coerced even), manipulated to hunt down children for remnant experiments. She's pretty easy to break as seen by how she's immediately crying, convincing herself that she's not a loser, which implies Vanessa called her one when she went through the wolf's room. Perhaps she too, was promised an audience that would adore her if she did it successfully.

Chica is absolutely hacked. Aside from Moon, she's definitely under the influence of Afton/Vanny. She doesn't seem to be ego-driven like the two, therefore she drives a hard bargain. I believe she wasn't swayed with Vanny's manipulation, and this costed her her free will. A rather unfortunate trade.

It's really weird how people seem to dismiss the fact that Roxy and Monty walks and talks normally, chases Gregory like this hunt is all part of the gig, when Chica doesn't. Because I'm over here thinking that's a huge indication that, yeah, Chica might be hacked, and the other two aren't. (or at least, not to the extent that Chica is)

And about the scrapped possessed Freddy voicelines, too. I swear, Chica's voiceline tones and his match way too close for comfort, and I think that's the biggest clue for Chica being hacked yet.

I do think that Chica was also hacked with the intention of manipulating Gregory to trust and follow her like that one "nice" stranger, since she's basically like Freddy normally (if it's Roxy and Monty that's cool and ego-driven for audiences, then it'd make sense for Freddy and Chica to be the "Papa Bear" and "Mother Hen" to kids attending the pizzaplex). She definitely gives off bubbly girl vibes if we just... ignore Valley Chica and push her to the side.

I don't think I'll be making a Mazercise analysis because jesus christ Chica I love you but goddamn does your venue suck so much ass

Vanessa and Chica: Parallels between a bunny-costumed killer, and a guitarist animatronic performer

Now this is something I've never seen nor heard to be talked about with in the community other than my friend who's really good at observations and theories, and that's the parallel between the white woman jumpscare and the funny haha trash eater --and I'm not sure if that's because Chica is obscure compared to others, or not enough people like Chica to the point of theorizing about this.

Or I just live under a rock, that's all.

But, I think there's some lines to draw with Vanessa and Chica. How they're both under the influence of a higher being, reluctantly following. Taken over, even. A human and an psuedo-sentient AI, going through the same horrible thing.

Where one has submitted herself to the control, while the other is actively fighting back against it and refuses (although fails). Unfortunately there's not much to say here yet due to the fact that we don't have all the details just yet, but this is where the Ruin DLC kicks down my door and punches me square in the stomach then proceeds to spit on my face as I lay on the floor sobbing. (Future me saying yes it has done this to me but it made me go "WHAT THE FUCK MAN." in a /neg way)

I do hope that Steel Wool explores this concept even further, and maybe even a showdown between the two. That'd be pretty badass. Will an AI win against a force where a human couldn't?

Time will tell.

So, what's the summary for Chica?

I think it's really tragic that all this speculation gives out the idea that Chica is dealing with a lot of stress caused by keeping to herself, and even a depression state.

An experimental voicebox going haywire, causing trauma to her evolving psuedo-sentience code and refraining her from speaking most of the time. The start of an unhealthy food obsession as coping mechanism. And then after that, mourning the sudden loss of someone called a friend, coupled by a virus corrupting her systems, further strengthening the desire of emotional consumption. A robot programmed to be quirky and relatable, going through so much, and what makes this even worse is the fact that I don't think ANYONE in the Glamrocks ever know about what she's dealing with.

She only eats trash when she's alone and separated from the rest of the hunters, and weeps silently, keeping her sobs of grief to herself only. A kind-hearted figure, ruined by serial killer's doing. She cares SO MUCH as evidenced by the intro, yet the care she receives back is little to none.

A character thrown to the side all because her story isn't out there, like Freddy acting as a father-figure fill-in for a homeless orphan, Roxy with her low self-esteem hidden underneath a fragile sense of narcissism, or even Monty with his strong desire to be the one underneath the spotlight and willing to do whatever it takes just to make that come true. Hell, there's more Bonnie fans than Chica and the guy doesn't even make a single appearance.

Instead, she's disregarded by the community to be the bland one all because of misunderstandings and lack of evidences presented onto the table.

I think, out of all of them, she deserved her brutal fate THE LEAST if not at all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for reading if you've reached this far! I believe I wrote this analysis with some passive aggressiveness because I was so frustrated that I could barely get my voice out to talk to the fandom about Chica, but I tried my best to make it more... polite lol

Hopefully, tumblr is nicer than twitter when it comes to theories.

Also, I actually wanted to make my own version of Chica's venue! Please someone ask me about it please please please please please Mazercise physically hurts me to the core

[mintmatcha]

cw: a weird vent piece lol, suicide mention, no quirks au, mentally ill reader

You always fuck with your shirt on. You'd wear more, if you could, but you haven't figured out how to do it with your pants on yet.

You pull the sheets over your sweat chilled legs and hope he didn't notice the spots you missed shaving. If he did, Natsuo doesn't seem to mind. His arm is tucked under your head, muscle fibers occasionally twitching underneath you and turning the soft mass dense.

Sometimes, Natsuo keeps his shirt on too. Neither of you have ever asked the other about it; there's a mutual understanding when a hand is stopped.

"Do you work tonight?" he asks.

You shake your head as his body relaxes deeper into the mattress.

"I'm gonna do laundry if you want to throw your stuff in," he mumbles, "I'll get you junk to sleep in."

The medical textbooks he was studying are still on the floor, flipped to random pages of different cycles and tissues, abandoned in exchange for you. If Natsuo fails his midterms, it'll be your fault. If he passes, he'll be leaving the city next semester for his hospital rotations.

Part of you wants him to fail. It's that dirty, evil part that no one else seems to have, the part you try to starve, but it keeps growing anyway. It nips at you whenever the room gets too quiet.

It's teeth are extra sharp today.

"You're so sweet." You speak into his skin, "I don't know how you're still single."

A sharp inhale is sucked through his teeth, cutting through his smile. Natsuo takes in all of your features and you know he's wondering why you're saying these things-- why you're purposefully bringing this up.

"Well, sweetie-" His tone is light, like he's avoiding stepping on glass, stepping on glass. With every word, he walks his fingers on your arm, spanning from elbow to shoulder, "I'm only single because you keep turning me down."

The overhead fan whizzes. The part you try to starve sinks its teeth into your chest.

"Natsuo, we've talked about this," you say, "I don't date."

You sit up and swing a leg over him, straddling his hips. A trail of white hair runs down his stomach and down under the sheets, disappearing where the two of you meet. He holds you by the hem of your tee, just tight enough to hold you in place.

"Would it be so bad?" he whispers.

"Here's what would happen, alright?" You brush your fingers through his sweat touched hair and it bounces right back into place the second you pull away. It makes you giggle a bit and he mirrors you, an unsure, foolish optimism in his eyes, "Let's just say I met this wonderful, beautiful boy and tricked-"

"Tricked?" he scoffs.

"Tricked him into loving me." You want to kiss him, but it feels cruel for both of you. Instead, you just cup his jaw in your hands and cradle him, letting the weight of him slump into your palms, "He'd treat me right and bring me home to meet his parents, 'cause he was raised right and, even though he's really smart, he'd think he's in love."

Fingers squeeze at your hips.

"But the second I left, his parents would tell him that he deserves someone prettier and smarter and, and, and better," you say, "And they'd be right."

“My mom’s nice," He drops your pretense with a whisper, ruining your not so careful charade. “She wouldn’t say that.”

He doesn’t mention his dad. There’s a silent sentence there. One that says, “But he might.” It’s hard to keep your brain from sticking to that point, from sticking your thumb into this metaphorical soft spot.

“I mean, she wouldn’t say it out loud, but she’d think it," you say, “She’d sit there and think ‘that girl's not good enough for my son' and she'd be right."

He scoff he lets out is uneasy, almost a songed laugh, more pained than annoyed. "My mom is nice."

This conversation is hurting him, but you can't stop yourself.

"And they'd tell you to break up with me, but you wouldn't listen to them, 'cause you're head strong like that. You'd probably date me in spite of them for while," you ramble, "But then you'd go away and you'd meet some pretty, normal girl and you'd realize they were right. They were always right. I was right."

The overhead fan whizzes.

"So, it's better if I just don't date at all,"

Natsuo's grip dissolves and you think you see it then - the moment whatever is between you dies. A hollowness passes over his features, empty eyes and sucked cheeks, as he ducks his head down to rest his face against your chest. Chin against the soft of your tits, he seems farther away than ever.

You could gloat. You could cry. You're a self-fulfilling prophecy once again.

Natsuo sighs and his words slip so easily from him that you almost don't process what he's saying. "You're so sad. I wish you'd get help."

That catches you off guard. The control over this conversation is ripped away, your curtain drops, and you suddenly feel very, horribly seen.

"What?" You try to laugh it off, leaning back to escape the way he watches you.

"Sometimes I wake up and you're not here," he says, "And I worry that's the last time I'll ever see you."

You understand the implication.

"I'm not gonna kill myself." It might be the truth, you think.

"Yeah," His arms wrap around your waist again, snaking the air from your lungs, "Touya promised me that too."

Touya is only ever mentioned over too many beers and tears you're not allowed to remember the next morning. He was only 16, only a couple years older than Natsuo, but the ghosts still linger to this day, always tucked into the back of the room, stalking, haunting.

Natsuo comes from money and fame. His apartment is paid for by his father. He's never had to work to afford food. At first, you resented him for that; you wanted that ease and safety his family afforded him.

But everything comes at a cost. Every unhappy family is unhappy in there own ways.

"I'm sorry that you keep loving things that break." That is the truth. You're just the end of a line of his mistakes, starting all the way at mom and dad and trailing through every girlfriend ever since.

"I do love you. And it's not despite the fact you're 'broken'," Natsuo takes your hand with a resounding firmness. It reminds you of that thing they say about golden retrievers; the smart ones can hold an egg in their jaws without shattering the shell. Natsuo holds you like he understands you in some deep, intrinsic way, "Or because of it or whatever."

He doesn't look away, those bright, wide eyes bluer than ever.

"I just like all your little pieces." He kisses your knuckles one by one, trailing from thumb to pinkie to thumb again.

The room is silent. The bad part of you is no longer begging to eat. Maybe it's full for now, but you know it's just out of focus, stalking in the dark, biding its time.

"You should study." You slip from him and reclaim your own space in the bed. After a long, simple pause, Natsuo gets up himself, collecting his boxers from the floor.

"Yeah," he says, "You're right."

The hurt you've caused is no longer comfortable to live in. Your mouth is dry, thirsty for a change you're not sure how to make. Recovery feels like a big leap-- loving and being loved feels every farther away.

All you can do is shuffle your feet against the sheets and take the tiniest step towards normalcy.

"Do you want to get brunch tomorrow before your classes?" you offer your olive branch, your silent promise, "I'll pay."

He weighs this, measuring it for sincerity, then smiles just wide enough your get a glimpse of teeth.

"Let me get you something to sleep in."

For now, it's enough.

[spookyeagling]

Mental Health Crisis Speedrun (24 Hours!) (Not clickbait)

I actually think this would be a killer video but idk if I want to be jreg

Defining some terms

Crisis - state in which your prefrontal cortex is not functioning, meaning you are unable to use cognition to regulate yourself and require outside intervention

Window of tolerance - refers to the amount of nervous system activation you can comfortably tolerate. When you start getting towards the upper end of this window, that's when you want to look at using regulation strategies. Your prefrontal cortex starts shutting down if you let it get too much higher.

So I haven't had an honest to god all natty crisis in probably over a year now, but I have had two chemically induced crises, on both occasions brought on by nicotine withdrawal. The last time, I cut down slowly, and it was more of a depressive episode. This time I tried cold turkey and it was hysteria.

Thing with quitting any addictive substance or behaviour is that your body really only understands homeostasis. It wants to keep homeostasis. It will do anything to keep things the same. Your body understands being deprived of xyz substance the same way it understands starving. It thinks you're going to die. So it will do anything it can think of to get the thing it's missing.

As a person with a history of truly high calibre mental illness, my body can think of a lot. All those neural pathways are just sitting there. They're disused, but they're still there. My worst crisis spanned several months. Yesterday I re-experienced the whole thing in less than 24 hours.

I love neurochemistry and all that shit so I think that's pretty cool and interesting honestly and I wanted to write it up. It maybe looks a bit grimdark and dire but frankly for me it was just Thursday. I am very used to handling this.

WEDNESDAY EVENING

10pm - vape runs out :(

I had already been withdrawing at this point for some hours as the vape ran dry. I wasn't aware of this at the time because it happened so quickly but I immediately shot past my window of tolerance. I am already entering crisis.

At this point I begin to think that I am irredeemably evil, that I cannot help but hurt people, and that I am going to lose the life I've built. This state (extremely high sympathetic activation) has some adjacency to schizoaffective disorders because it sends pattern seeking into overdrive. I came up with very strong evidence for all of this that is total gibberish to me today.

I do a reasonable job not letting this escalate much further before bed.

THURSDAY

8am - GO!

I wake up with a racing heartbeat. My body has given me a little shot of adrenaline and cortisol, the idea being that I will use the burst of energy to go get the thing it's missing. This is the same energy that people who do intermittent fasting talk about and the same energy that lets mothers lift cars off children.

I have a little nicotine replacement doodad left from last attempt so I have that before I go to work. I am fine for a few hours.

11.30am - things are going to be worse than I thought

I am on a break when I feel a panic attack coming on. More cortisol and adrenaline are being dumped. I am having trouble engaging any cognitive strategies.

2pm - opioid o'clock

By 2pm I am entirely dissociated. This is a chemical state that is essentially an all-natural high. Your body has decided it can no longer tolerate being in the high activation sympathetic nervous system and starts releasing natural opioids. This is the freeze response, or the deer in headlights.

If you were watching me you would have seen me walk somewhere, move some things around, walk somewhere else, move some things around. I am not meaningfully present.

3pm - hell hours

I am, at this stage, experiencing every intrusive thought I've ever had at once. Now, some of these are pretty wild, but they're pretty easy for me to deal with when they come in one or two at a time. The trick is to do nothing. Acknowledge but don't engage. But the all at once of it was giving me trouble and my prefrontal cortex was already nearly entirely shut down.

I wanted to give some sense of the type of thoughts but they are actually too fucked to share. The worst thing you could imagine would probably not come close. There's a lot of suicidal ideation and self harm ideation and a lot of destroying myself via sabotaging my relationships ideation and other things such as that.

If someone tried to help me at this point, it would take me a great deal of restraint not to hurt them. This is a big thing. I become aware of this a little later and realise that I need to stop this right the fuck now.

ETA: I think it worth adding that the reason I can be essentially sedated but also still reactive and physically or verbally aggressive is because, while I am being flushed with opioids to take me out of the sympathetic (fight or flight) nervous system, I am not actually in the normal parasympathetic system (rest and digest). I am in a secret third thing. Parasympathetic HARDCORE MODE. There is a really good diagram that explains this.

Instead of oscillating between the green and red there the way god intended, I am oscillating between red and blue. I like this diagram a lot, I think it is extremely cool.

5pm - WHERE AM I

By 5pm I am entirely out of touch with reality. I do not know where I am and I can barely remember why this is happening to me.

My prefrontal cortex has entirely shut down and I am extremely saturated with opioid. If you tried to talk to me you'd find me incoherent.

I am nearly unable to make decisions. I realise this and very quickly decide I'll have to get vapes.

7pm - quittin time

My nervous system begins to settle when it knows it's going to get the thing it's missing and settles back into my window of tolerance when it gets it. I am now able to engage cognitive strategies to self soothe and I do so. There is some lingering paranoia but I attend to it and it is gone by around lunch time the following day. Because it was chemically induced I am entirely fine today lol

IN CONCLUSION

I need to be supervised. If anyone knows someone with good de-escalation strategies who would be willing to babysit me while I become rabid gimme their number. This is fucked up, there's no inpatient for "quitting nicotine but with history of insanity"

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

Thinking about something my father told me once, and How Long I’ve Put Up With My Stomach Condition, and...

Emetophobia warning, too. (I’m okay, don’t worry-- I’ve been enduring it well enough!;;; But I’m Dealing with it, so I’m Thinking about it, and so I’m Talking About it.)

When I recovered? Dad was... so weird. The first time I had an episode with my stomach, after I’d been medicated and was finally on something that helps me recover from The Bad Episodes that still happen with the meds now and again, the first time I told my parents I’d been sick but was still going to work:

My father was like “I’m proud of you!” And I was very confused and asked why on earth he’d be proud of my for vomiting. And he said, “There was a time when you wouldn’t go to work if you weren’t feeling well.”

...Weren’t FEELING WELL? My stomach made me drop 25 pounds in 3 months, pass out repeatedly, and got me hospitalized for NINE DAYS, and you’re PROUD of me for NOT TAKING OFF WORK when The Thing I Took Off work From was something like that???

For context, before I got Hospitalized, any time I would get sick enough to vomit, it would make me absolutely MISERABLE. Like, I have emetophobia because vomiting was a legitimately traumatizing experience my whole life. I would be going for an hour, it hurt like hell, it felt like it’d never stop, and I couldn’t even sip water to rinse my throat out until a several hours after, or it would start me retching again. I couldn’t sleep because I was in too much pain and felt too sick. It utterly wiped me out and made me exhausted for a week. I would get sick again if I ate anything besides, like, rice and fruit for 2-3 days, and even eating those things would make me feel really ill and be constantly anxious that I’d Start Vomiting Again. And then you throw my steadily-worsening phobia into the mix, adding an hour of panic whenever it happened, and it’s emotionally exhausting as well. It was pain on top of pain on top of terror on top of exhaustion.

Before my medications, these episodes really would take me out. I’d be dizzy if I stood and wouldn’t be able to breathe properly because it hurt my diaphragm too much. I wouldn’t be able to talk because my throat hurt and talking also made my diaphragm hurt. Sometimes I was strong enough to get through a school day after an episode like that, but certainly not when I was working retail and food service in physically, mentally, and emotionally demanding jobs.

I’m honestly a little pissed at how much that reveals about what Dad thought about me taking much-needed time to rest. Clearly he didn’t believe how ill I was; how much I’d suffer. Do you have any idea how BAD it has to be for me to ask for the day off? How much I push myself through? How often I’ve passed out in the middle of a shift? How BAD it has to be for me to throw in the towel? For someone with ADHD to actually WANT nothing more than to lay down and sleep?

On the meds, it’s a whole different world. When I have An Episode, usually just, I’ll vomit once or twice a day for like 3 days, and feel a little heavy or unsettled if I eat too soon afterwards, but I can sip water immediately after, I can suck some peppermint or ginger candy, I can take another half-dose of the meds and I’ll bounce back within an hour. These pills are a fucking miracle in a bottle, okay. I don’t know how they make me Physically Okay After Vomiting, but they do. (I still have the phobia, but without the physical triggers, at least I’m not.... usually broken down and crying on the bathroom floor anymore.) I can sip, I can sleep, I can even eat within an hour or two.

When we UPPED the meds, I realized I could head off those episodes! Or take more after to help me recover. Even in the Rare Instance when the episode Gets Really Bad, I can take an extra half of a pill and maybe my middle will be achy for a day or two, but I’ll be able to move and stand and talk and just, fucking THINK.

I can FUNCTION!

Sooo, for the past 3 days, I totally forgot I’m allowed to take The Higher Dose. I’ve been Really Sick after dinner. It just Happens, and lately I’ve probably gotten a little irresponsible, because Nexus Shift Weirdness was making it feel like I didn’t have a stomach condition at all? But now the Nexus Shift Weirdness is fading, and it’s like my stomach’s trying to remind me why I avoid all the things I’m sensitive to.

So what I’m saying is, it’s probably my own fault for getting cocky and reckless with what I eat, I’m probably paying for ignoring my food sensitivities for, like... a month.

But I’m still eating and drinking and going to work and riding the bus and holding conversations and though my energy reserves and Higher Functioning things are a bit depleted (like my typing is a little slower, my productivity at work is down a little, and my attention span is really frayed), I’m FUNCTIONAL.

Like I said. Miracle in a bottle.

I’m probably going to need to take the higher dose for a couple days before I’m back to The Stomach Condition Basically Not Existing, but the fact of the matter is, that’s where I am.

I’m just absolutely flabbergasted that Dad... complimented me, like it was my Choice to be so miserably ill? Like I just gave up because I felt a little sick? Like. Fucking...

Wow.

I’m on medication that finally helped me with a problem I’d been suffering through agony for my entire life, and he fucking. Compliments my WORK ETHIC for it.

I don’t want you to be proud of me for Not Being Sick Anymore, because I had no control over that.

I can’t even properly articulate why it bothers me so much, but it really does.

[whatifididsomethingnew]

Take Your Medication

I’m a college freshman in my second semester. I’ve been struggling with depression and ADHD for who knows how long, but I was diagnosed(i think? idk if it was official) in my freshman year of high school and given medication for it sometime in my senior year.

I didn’t take the medication very often. I started off strong, taking the ADHD medication especially to get me through classes and make sure the dosage lasted me to sixth period, my worst class at the time. But over the summer I stopped because I decided that the positive effects didn’t make up for the side effects: a lack of appetite and dry mouth.

Below the keep reading is my experience with mental illnesses and medication. It’s long. tl;dr If you have access to medication, take it. It helps. And make sure the dosage is right for you

 I’ve never been a bad student. Aside from failing algebra 2 in freshman year (ive never been good at “advanced” math, it was an IB class so even worse, and even better students agreed that the teacher was awful), I’ve gotten at worst 1-2 C’s per year. But since middle school I’ve found myself unable to pay attention, preferring to think about the book I want to read or the game I want to play or even just something else I started learning about. I figured out how to get by with finished homework and average tests. But I took about 6 AP tests in high school and only passed one, because I couldn’t study well enough to retain all the information I learned and forgot over the course, or pay attention to the exam to finish the multiple choice, or have enough foundation in the subject to write an essay that mattered at all.

This point in my life has almost certainly been my worst, depression-wise. I only live about twenty minutes away from my parents’ house, and I go home every weekend so I’m not just alone in my apartment for three days straight, but I’m still isolated during the week. My friends that are still in high school are busy with classes and extracurriculars and meeting with friends they still see everyday and very few of them have their own cars to drive up to visit me, and my friends in college are all busier than ever, all going to school anywhere from 15 minutes to like four hours away. My bad days are worse and happen more often and can span into bad weeks. I tend to write at best 1 page of notes after about 2 1/2 hours of classes a week, and drain my phone battery down to the sixties because I don't pay attention in lectures on subjects I’m not interested in. 

In high school I couldn’t wait for college, because I could choose my classes and the times and had the opportunity to make friends! But I realized I’m bad at making friends; I made one friend in kindergarten, when times were simpler, and all my lasting relationships (aside from my online friends, whom I treasure dearly) can be attributed to that one friendship. (I actually made a flowchart during class when another student was presenting, and I had the energy and motivation because I actually took my meds today!)

All this personal information about my Bad Times™ is to make you understand how much I needed to take my medication. But I don’t have classes everyday, so I didn’t think that taking ADHD meds everyday was worth it, and I (incorrectly) recalled that taking the depression meds didn’t help me enough to validate taking it everyday, instead only when it got really bad, but that plan didn’t work because when my depression is bad I don’t even have enough energy to text back or walk like four steps total to get my laptop, let alone walk to the bathroom and get the pills. 

So I didn’t take it, besides from when I worked my first 8-hour shifts at my first job. And those side-effects were extreme, because my body wasn’t used to these meds that were incredibly high in dosage because that’s what I need. I felt nauseous and dizzy enough to faint and went to the back room like four times an hour for a drink of water and it was still way less than I wanted. And I still didn’t learn my lesson about how the side-effects would get easier to handle if I took them more, but worse if I only took them on worst-case bases. I was thinking more in the moment about how bad I felt then, rather than about how I could feel better in the future if I pushed through.

I had a series of awful days, just last week. I cried several tears with no clear cause, only my own thoughts and boredom and depression, which means a lot in relation to me because I don’t cry. I watched Dear Evan Hansen and The Prom live, both with the original cast, and only cried a total of five tears at most, despite how these musicals and their subject matters are very dear to me. It was a bad week that came out of nowhere, nothing extraordinarily bad happened. I did the same thing as always, if not more. But still, it was a very bad week, because I was experiencing the heavy depression and it didn’t go away after I fell asleep. I don’t have classes on Wednesdays this semester; I have a lab on Mondays, and three lectures in a row on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I learned last semester that having enough leisure time to chill in my apartment for several hours between classes only makes going to the later class way more tedious. I usually get picked up by one of my parents on Thursdays while whichever of them it is drives home from work that day. That week I was lucky to have my Thursday classes cancelled, so I got picked up a day early. 

Being home is good for my health, adding it all up. It makes me a bit insecure about being independent, but fuck that I’m only 18 and I love my parents, I don’t need to be completely independent yet. Being home only improved when @pointlessoressential moved in with me; having someone so similar to me in regards of being content sitting and doing our own thing without the expectation to have something to Do™  all the time. It’s good for me, to have someone around me so I don’t get too isolated, but also not too overwhelmed. I’m usually pretty open with my mom, too, so being with her during the weekend and being able to talk with her or watch some easy TV together is good. I’ve never been very good at opening up to people; my main characterization with friends I’m not as close with is sarcasm and puns and whatever other humor to distract both of us from personal issues. I’ve been trying to get better, with help and reminders from the aforementioned bee and mom, as well as my best friend (who yes my meeting of and bonding with can indirectly be connected to that kindergarten friend, if you were wondering) who is much more skilled at telling me about her feelings than I am. But I’m trying. So I told my mom about how I had been having a bad week, once I got home.

My mom has dealt with depression her whole life, too. Most of her life she thought she also had anxiety, but when I was diagnosed with ADHD, the psychiatrist who had prescribed me the medications I take explained to both of us that ADHD in afab people (I'd say women bc my mom is cis but I'm nonbinary, so afab people) can be misdiagnosed as anxiety bc it’s different from what TV shows it to be, and the reactive anxiety (as opposed to constant, causeless anxiety from an anxiety disorder) is a symptom of ADHD. She’s dealt with the same issues all her life, so I go to her often when I hit the wall.

She told me to take the medication. I said I didn’t like the side-effects. She bought me mouthwash that helps dry mouth and a box of Rice Krispies Treats so I can eat something small but filling when I lose my appetite. She reminded me that the side-effects would improve if I took the medication more often. I am privileged in that I had the opportunity to see a doctor for my issues and be able to afford (even if barely) my medication, and I should take advantage of that instead of taking it for granted.

This is a long post, sharing my personal story about having mental illnesses, and how medication helps. It may not feel like it took effect, but then it’ll wear off and you’ll realize the difference. It’s better to feel stable, to feel “normal” for most of the day, than to get used to feeling awful. I took my medication this morning before class; I’ve taken about five hours to write this whole thing, due to having begun it before one lecture started, then continuing it during another while also listening to my professor review the first five chapters of Return of the King and discuss it with us. And now I’m in my apartment, on my laptop, switching between ending this PSA and checking on due dates and reviewing my calendar and just being 10 times more productive than I ever am.

I don’t know if anyone will need this advice. I don’t know how many will even click the read more. But this is a blog site, and this is something I’m trying to learn and have it remembered. It’s something I needed to put into words, and now it is.

[talktothemabari]

FB Captions for DP

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Also Read: FB Captions for DP

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[myectjourney]

ECT procedure #27 (7/18/2018)

This is my twenty-seventh electro-convulsive therapy procedure & my fifteenth bilateral procedure.

Pre-treatment analysis:

This is my first appointment in 2 weeks which means I had a pretty long break.

To be honest, it really hasn’t been so bad! I had a day or two where I felt a lot of anxiety or depression mostly based on things happening around me but sometimes those kinds of things are unavoidable. I really felt like these last two weeks went pretty well and I was happy to notice some of my memories coming back to me. This is a huge deal for me because losing some of my memories was the hardest part of doing ECT for me. In fact, one of those days I was feeling a lot of anxiety was actually yesterday because I was/still am really nervous and doubtful about going to ECT today mainly because I feel like I’ve made so much progress with regaining memories that I am scared I am going to lose all of that when I go back in today. Part of me thought “maybe I should cancel and just stop doing ECT altogether. I am feeling mostly fine and my depression is manageable now (which is wasn’t before) so whats even the point of going back? I want to remember the things I forgot more than anything right now.” but then another part of me thought “I need to go back and finish what I started. There is a reason they tapper you off so you don’t go into a full depressive relapse. Do you want that? No. You have to go and take the risk.”. It’s never fun to be felt like your own brain is pulling you in two different directions.

So here I am, about to drive up to my appointment. I decided that it was worth the risk and even if it sucks to feel like you are recovering memories just to have them ripped from you again, it’s not worth being SUPER depressed all the time. It’s not worth feeling like you want to die all the time. It’s not worth sitting on your couch or bed wondering what is wrong with you because you have a mental illness or multiple mental illnesses and hoping that somehow you will just fade away from existence.

Remember that if you can when you are also feeling doubt about going back to your ECT appointments. Remember THERE IS A REASON THEY SCHEDULED YOU THE WAY THEY DID. This is the treatment plan they thought was best for you so you can have the best results and recovery.

I understand what it’s like to have that doubt and anxiety in your head that tells you “Is it worth going to if I feel crappy about going and that in its self is making me more depressed and anxious?”. I wonder that too and am going into my appointment feeling that way. “Is it worth it?” is the big question. I don’t have all the answers but I can say if you can manage to get past that doubt, I think it’ll be okay and you will make it through. If you can’t get past it, maybe you should stop because maybe that means it isn’t working out for you OR maybe your shock level needs to be upped or if you are doing unilateral, maybe you need to switch to bilateral. EITHER WAY, make sure you tell your doctor what you are feeling and thinking. Get their opinion on what to do next. Don’t just quit out without saying anything because that could potentially make you so much worse. I will always say this over and over again: communicate with your doctor! I can’t even emphasize how important that is. If you don’t, you will be stuck with that doubt forever and possibly spiral into that pit of fear and depression again and doctors can only help you to the best of their abilities if they know what is going on and you are fully open, honest, and receptive.

I plan on bringing up my doubts today before they shock me and will update on what they say if I can remember. If not, I will schedule an office visit to discuss these fears and doubts.

For all the people out there reading because they are getting ECT, STAY STRONG! You are doing your best and you GOT this! <3

Post-treatment:

I feel like this treatment session went well. I talked with my ECT doctor about my fear of losing the memories I am regaining and before they put me under for my procedure, they reassured me that one ECT treatment will not reset my all my progress with my memory. They also reassured me that my recollection of memories will improve as I go down on the frequency of treatments as well. Hearing that definitely helped me feel less anxious before the anesthetic was injected.

This confirms what I was saying earlier on how it is so important to talk to your doctors about how you are feeling not just physically but mentally. It can also be beneficial for you if you are already getting these treatments done because keeping it all bottled up and not having your questions answered can counteract your progress because it’ll make you feel more anxious and depressed.

That aside, after I woke up I felt fine. Just a hungry and a little spacey as usual. The rest of the day I was able to do things like run a few errands with the help of my partner. I didn’t feel like I lost much memory after this session. Maybe a little harder to recall the previous day but it wasn’t completely wiped from my brain or anything.

Over all, I’d say things went well.

Results:

Long-term Memory Questions: All questions answered correctly with minor hesitation.

Short-term Memory Questions: All but one question answered correctly with minor hesitation.

Slow cognition: Yes (minor)

Memory loss: Yes (minor)

Attention span: Good.

Tiredness: Yes (minor)

Trouble retaining newer memories: Yes (very minor)

Symptoms:

● Headache (moderate)

● Loss of balance (minor)

● Fatigue (minor)

~ End of ECT day #27 ~

[pride-vns-blog]

LGBTQ VN Week: Day Four! (6/21)

Wow, we’re already at the fourth day of LGBTQ visual novel recommendations! You’ve probably seen this preface on previous parts of this list, but if you haven’t read my first post, that writeup’s “One note before we get started” section, explains more clearly what this list is and why I’m writing it!

Plenty of visual novels talk about sex and intimacy, so for today, I’ve set aside four with my personal favorite approaches to the topic — CODE:Phantasm’s 404 Error: Connection Not Found, parade’s No Thank You!!!, SugarScript’s Cute Demon Crashers, and Mitch Alexander’s Tusks: An Orc Dating Sim, plus a conversation with Mitch about his creative process on Tusks.

Head on in to hear about your little brother dyeing his hair pink, a truly inscrutable protagonist, freeloading demons playing Mario Kart, and inspirational Skyrim mods!

404 ERROR: CONNECTION NOT FOUND (CODE:PHANTASM)

Itchio Tagline: “Sometimes connecting to others is harder than loneliness.” Genre(s): Slice of life; drama. Release Date: July 30th, 2017 (demo); TBA (full version). Content Warnings: Text-only depiction of sex and sex work; adult content.

404 Error: Connection Not Found is the story of Ren Matsuura, a camboy who ran away from home after turning eighteen and supports himself financially through camming — but thanks to his agoraphobia and general anxiety, he rarely goes outside, to the point that he’s pared all his social connections down to casual conversations with his clients and lying to his younger brother Haru about what he does for a living. When his brother decides to come visit for the first time since Ren moved out, Ren is forced to confront the fact that his guilt and shame have driven him into a corner with no support system. In the span of the demo, he starts to try and reach out to the clients he has a more regular relationship with to prepare him for Haru’s eventual visit, ending on a cliffhanger that seems to be leading directly into the plotline of the main story.

This visual novel’s demo is the shortest of all the stories on my entire list, to my knowledge, but it’s also the most memorable demo I’ve played in a long, long while. As someone who’s had to contend with similar mental illnesses in the past — paranoia and agoraphobia unsurprisingly have a pretty high degree of comorbidity! — I felt like Ren’s slow struggle to make progress for the sake of his younger brother was written sincerely, thoughtfully, and believably in the timespan of a single demo playthrough. Ren can be funny, when he’s not spiraling internally, and his rocky progress at trying to talk to others more honestly is loaded with plenty of funny jokes and quips about his takes on things. He’s a sympathetic, well-rounded protagonist who comes across strongly in the demo alone, and I ended up really rooting for him to make it to a place where he was happier with his life.

There’s another aspect to the story that I ended up really liking, too: the fact that sex work, especially jobs like camming, can be extremely common among LGBTQ people who can’t support themselves financially in other ways. Ren can’t go outside and can’t interact with many people without severe, earth-shattering anxiety attacks (a few of which we see in the demo!), so this job is what he’s got. It’s a job that’s sustained him for years, and although it’s certainly fed into his own relative isolation, 404 Error seemed to walk that careful balance of making it explicit that it’s Ren’s own lack of steady support for his mental illness instead of the simple fact that he does sex work that causes his interpersonal problems. I’m optimistic about the remainder of the story’s handling of those kinds of things, too, because what was present in the demo was sympathetic and sincere! There’s not very many sex workers or camgirls/camboys in visual novels outside of an extremely tiny handful, let ones alone in conjunction to stories that acknowledge of the way LGBTQ people as a whole can struggle with more convential jobs, so Ren’s genuinely empathetic personality and the hope I have for his future makes me excited to see where CODE:Phantasm takes 404 Error from here.

404 Error: Connection Not Found’s free Yaoi Game Jam demo is available now, and you can follow the CODE:Phantasm team on Itch.io, Twitter, or Tumblr to stay updated on their progress with Ren’s story.

NO THANK YOU!!! (PARADE)

MangaGamer Tagline: “This summer vacation begins with a car accident...” Genre(s): Comedy; drama; mystery. Release Date: June 28, 2013 (Japanese); February 27, 2015 (English).  Content Warnings: Adult content; multiple sex scenes; frequent sexual harassment; blood; drugs; violence; death.

Right off the bat, I think parade’s debut visual novel (as a studio, at least) does a lot of interesting things and definitely seems to be aiming high with creating distinct, memorable stories. The art in No Thank You!!! is gorgeous, its voice acting is top-tier, a lot of the side characters are compelling even beyond the space or role the narrative gives them, and the love interests alone are all fully-realized characters with interesting stories. Romance option Ryu’s route, in particular, fleshes out the larger sense of mystery and the other characters to an astounding degree! That’s to say nothing of the most unique mechanic — which I mostly call the NTY!!! button — that offers you the chance to say “no thank you” in a variety of scenes without always telling you what it is you’re saying that to. It’s occasionally a little too easy to guess, but at certain points I ended up lulled into a false sense of security with that easiness that the game was all too ready to take advantage of with a much less obvious choice.

One of the sticking points with No Thank You!!! that I’ve seen other players express, on the other hand, is the way protagonist Haru is written. That’s not to say his writing specifically is bad — parade clearly had a vision in mind for Haru’s personality, and from his sketchy beginnings to his clearer end, he’s a coherent character with a consistent narrative. While the crux of the story is more insight into Haru, where he came from, and what the truth behind all those mysteries might be, though, Haru’s behavior still underpins a lot of what drives the romance routes forward. And his behavior... The official quote on his personality, “[s]exual harassment is an everyday activity for him,” can at times seem like it’s underselling exactly how often he tries to grab an ass. It’s no surprise that a fair few other players I’ve seen have walked away with pretty strong opinions on Haru as a character. (I’m personally not a huge fan.)

But to me, a divisive protagonist who you don’t actually fully understand as a character — Haru’s thoughts on a lot of key things are far less accessible than the likes of Aoba Seragaki or most Western M/M protagonists, which leaves you knowing most of his thoughts or feelings via his interactions from others — seems to go perfectly hand-in-hand with the way the visual novel as a whole operates. No Thank You!!! puts you at a distance by Haru’s viewpoint being occasionally “indecipherable” (to use the official phrasing), and then it throws you further with its sometimes-unpredictable NTY!!! button mechanic, but the strength of its other individual pieces taken together still sold me on it as both a solid set of mystery stories and an 18+ dating sim.

Also I really like Maki.

No Thank You!!! is available for a sale price of $19.95 on MangaGamer’s store (18+), and you can read more about parade’s story and characters on MangaGamer’s designated No Thank You!!! page (also 18+).

CUTE DEMON CRASHERS (SUGARSCRIPT)

Itchio Tagline: “A short and silly consent-friendly and sex-positive VN!” Genre(s): Modern fantasy. Release Date: April 7th, 2015 (Mirari and Akki’s routes); August 15th, 2015 (full version). Content Warnings: Multiple sex scenes; detailed uncensored nudity.

I don’t think I could sum up Cute Demon Crashers better than the Itch.io tagline does — it’s short, it’s hilarious, and it’s got an emphasis on consent that meshes perfectly with its goofy “a bunch of incubi and one succubus come to the mortal realm to have sex” plot. The characters are all charming and fit perfectly into its universe, with distinct personalities that come across clearly without ever feeling hamfisted in the limited time that the script lets you spend with them. Although this isn’t necessarily a romance game, especially given that incubi and succubi are “closer to what people know of as aromantic” according to the SugarScript FAQ, its cute, thoughtful writing and adorable design in everything from the characters to the user interface mean that there’s plenty of love infused in every aspect of Cute Demon Crashers.

Like yesterday’s We Know The Devil, Cute Demon Crashers is one of those visual novels with a distinct, memorable mechanic that almost placed it squarely in Tuesday’s creative design list. Cute Demon Crashers is one of the first visual novels — or, by my experience, the first altogether — to implement a mechanic specifically themed around stopping in the middle of sex. If you’re ever uncomfortable or you just plain want the scene to end, you can hit a button and protagonist Claire will talk with her partner to bring things to a close. (There’s also an option to just plain old not have sex with any of them, and spending time with the characters!) A lot of the dialogue in these scenes in particular is thoughtful, nuanced, and reads to me as being a pretty realistic depiction of how someone like Claire might ask those questions or express those kinds of concerns. 

The way Cute Demon Crashers handles intimacy and sexuality, by another measure, is one of those things that I think has also had a not-insignificant impact on the visual novel community as a whole; I’ve seen a fair number of people who’ve apparently never enjoyed an 18+ dating sim before talk about how its portrayal of sex resonated with them or brought them some measure of comfort. Because of the SugarScript team’s relative investment in the English-language visual novel scene as a whole, too — this project was born out of NaNoRenO and I’ve seen them promote development forum hub LemmaSoft or other small visual novels more than once — the compassion for the player that’s written into every aspect of Cute Demon Crashers seems to extend naturally to everyone else around the team in real life, which is something extremely special.

The entirety of Cute Demon Crashers is available now for free, and you can find out more information on its upcoming sequel (Cute Demon Crashers: Side B) on the SugarScript Twitter, Tumblr, and Itch.io!

Itchio Tagline: “GAY ORCS available in YOUR AREA.” Genre(s): Romance; fantasy; community building. Release Date: July 18th, 2015 (First Day demo); January 1st, 2018 (FUARLANG/full main story); TBA (individual route endings). Content Warnings: Adult content; sex; mentions of violence.

Mitch Alexander’s Tusks: The Orc Dating Sim, from head to toe, is one of my favorite depictions of sex and intimacy in video games — and with every gradual update, especially the most recent FUARLANG build that finished out the mai storyline, I’ve only become more sure of that. There’s an endearingly genuine quality to its art, character dialogue, and even in things like the NPC autonomy feature, where your companions have just as many chances to sway things like group votes or decide who’s on watch as you would without NPC autonomy being enabled. 

Interested to hear Mitch talk a little bit about his design process and the inspiration behind Tusks, I got in touch and asked him a few questions!

Thanks for taking the time for an interview, Mitch! While the title might be fairly self-explanatory, haha, how would you outline Tusks: An Orc Dating Sim in more detail to somebody new?

Tusks is a visual novel where the player joins a group at an annual orcish gathering, in a forest at the edge of a semi-mythical version of Scotland, and you then travel with this new found family and get to know them better. Most of the game is your group getting into adventures, talking to them one-on-one at camp at nighttime, and making decisions about how to go about your travels. The game's cast are all queer, and the game itself is an exploration of queer identity, community, history, and our relationship with the idea of monstrosity/Otherness.

I think it's fair to say that Tusks, as well as your larger body of work, deals a lot with intimacy and sexuality, especially the intersection between those two things; this is probably a question you've thought over yourself a fair bit, but what in particular interests you about those topics that drives you to explore them in Tusks and your other work?

Part of it is the fact that intimacy and sexuality are areas that can be massively important to queer people (especially since many of us are marginalised as a result of our sexuality being seen as deviant) but there aren't a lot of mainstream sources that play with intimacy and sexuality in relevant ways. And part of it is just because exploring sexuality for its own sake can be fun as well!

Definitely! There's always room for more fun with depictions of sexuality, haha. The premise for an all-orc dating sim is definitely a memorable one, and one you've fleshed out incredibly well with the thoughtfulness of your worldbuilding and character dynamics. What was the original inspiration that you built Tusks on, and what helped carry you across the finishing line of completing (for the most part) its story?

It was a lot of different threads coming together: I'd been playing a modded Skyrim save with an orc character who, in my head, was gay and had left his stronghold so to find other orcs like him and establish his own wee found family. That happened at the same time as me finding out about the NaNoReNo visual novel game jam, plus wanting to work on a game that actually put queer characters and discussions first and foremost rather than us just being a token presentation.

As for what carried me through, there was lots of things: the excitement of getting to tell stories that you just don't see in mainstream games, getting amazing feedback from players, and then at the end when I released the full main story on New Years', it was sheer bloody-mindedness.

There's a fair few interesting mechanics in Tusks, especially with regards to NPC autonomy; can you share a little bit of insight on why you decided to include those and how they function in the code?

NPC autonomy's a small but effective way of just slightly upsetting this idea that in visual novels, the player character gets to make all the decisions -- it automatically puts you in a decision-making leader role, and it's up to the writer then to narratively justify that -- which can be difficult if you're wanting to tell a story about a group of equal partners. So instead, NPC autonomy lets characters vote on things or lets characters potentially turn you down for romantic encounters.

It's an optional feature, so it's possible to play the game without it being on -- it just slightly changes the flow of the story and makes it seem a tad-bit more like you're part of a collective, if that makes sense.

Yeah, that makes sense! I think my playthroughs where NPC autonomy was on were definitely more interesting, by and large, because it really does add a lot to that sense of cooperation and community.

If you had to pick just one, what non-human (and non-orc) creature do you think more people should appreciate?

I'm really interested in exploring things with strong mythological connotations like minotaurs, since they're surrounded by particular ideas like labyrinths, being half-human and half-animal. I'd also really like to see someone explore the monstrousness of hags from [Dungeons and Dragons], because I think there's probably a way to talk about them and explore their relationships to femininity, presentation, glamour magick, witchcraft, and power.

Good choices! Those are both definitely really interesting ones. To wrap things up, are there any LGBTQ visual novels from other developers that you'd like to recommend?

I'd recommend checking out The Bitter Drop, by Isak Grozny; Ladykiller in a Bind by Christine Love, and We Know the Devil by Date Nighto!

Perfect! It's been a pleasure talking to you, Mitch, and I'm looking forward to your future projects.

Tusks: The Orc Dating Sim is available now for a reverse-sale price of $2.02, and you can support Mitch Alexander’s work on Patreon or follow his “nonsense” on Twitter and fully-released work on Itch.io!

[emma-what-son]

(Echee post) Did Emma Watson try stealing credit for a class?

Posted November 14, 2015

Emma Watson crafts a careful image, backed up by the media (even getting news outlets like the New York Times and the Associated Press to lie for her) and a legion of Harry Potter fans who uncritically accept anything their goddess/idol says as the truth. Still, it must suck, a lot, to put in a lot of effort into a group project and then have some witch (pun noted) steal all the credit on a national platform, kissing her own ass, and knowing you cannot do a single thing because her mentally ill fans will send you death/rape threats. Shocking. Who would do such a terrible thing? Below is a picture of the class of the Group Independent Study Project (GISP) at Brown University, called "How and Why We Fall In Love: Science, Psychology, and Philosophy" Notice that Watson who regularly claims to love school and education and whatnot is nowhere to be found. Remember that attendance is mandatory for GISPs and is required to pass the class. Also notice that despite Scout Willis (Emma's suite-mate) being the daughter of two multi-millionaires, Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, she still attends class and does things for the class like singing Skinny Love (by Bon Iver) with Roman Gonzalez.

Apparently this is Emma Watson's favorite class but Emma Watson does what Emma Watson wants, and that means not attending her favorite class or something? Who knows the truth of what was going on with that girl. The obnoxious thing is that Emma stans keep claiming this girl is super busy with balancing college/work (yeah which is why she, despite proclaiming how college is the most important thing/priority to her, decided to drop it to film Noah) but every single person is busy with outside activities but yeah somehow still managed to attend class. Like Amanda was busy working as a Minority Peer Counselor at the Third World Center to make sure minority students felt welcome on Brown's campus (the kind of campus that lets rich spoiled girls like Emma and Lena Sclove get away with everything). Sally was a Meiklejohn peer advisor and still managed to get good grades to make Phi Beta Kappa. Lauren founded SmartSitting and was busy working as a babysitter/nanny and working as manager and boss to connect families with caretakers. Victor chaired the planning committee for A Day on College Hill and was getting ready to work in Dr. Connor's lab. And omg Roman was doing a ton of shit. Meanwhile Emma is always whining and moaning about how much she does (without any results by the way).....and still getting paid in the tens of millions. Also, negotiating deals for Lancôme to get more money and attention despite claiming how much she hates fame and has too much money to know what to do with it. Vogue Magazine July 2011, interview by Amanda Foreman: One of her favorite courses at Brown was on the psychology of love. Rookie Magazine May 2013, interview with Tavi Gevinson: Tavi: I know you’re going back to Brown this fall, after taking a couple of years off for work. What made you decide on that school? Emma: A few different things. I really like the fact that it has a very open curriculum, that there aren’t any requirements. Really, I’ve kind of been in charge of my own education since I started out on Potter when I was 9 or 10, and I liked that I could design my own major if I wanted to, and I could take independent studies if I wanted to on subjects that weren’t necessarily in the curriculum. I did an independent study on the psychology and philosophy of how and why we fall in love, which was awesome. [Laughs] Tavi: Whoa! Do you know why? Can you tell me? Emma: [Laughs] We’d need like six hours! Opportunities like that, and the idea of classes being pass/fail, make it sound as if you don’t have to work as hard, but it actually gives you the freedom to try out things that you wouldn’t be able to do if you had to get a certain GPA on your transcript. It lets you take classes that you wouldn’t otherwise. And it attracts a certain type of student: [someone] very independent who wants to take responsibility and control of what they’re learning. That really appealed to me as well. Okay what? Notice how Emma claims "I did an independent study" and also "And it attracts a certain type of student: someone very independent who wants to take responsibility and control of what they're learning". It's pretty disgusting since this was a GROUP independent study project (GISP) and yet we have Emma lying and claiming she did it on her own and she's kissing her own ass and claiming ISPs (Independent Study Project) take someone very driven and focused. Oh yeah, that's why college athletes who can barely read take these classes to stay on the football team. I know Emma stans and loons are so pathetic they'll defend her over stealing credit, but imagine for a second that you work your ass off at work on or a homework project and somebody lies and steals the credit and they get promoted over you. How fair is that? Spoiled, rich, white girl, the most privileged kind of person in America (yes over men, since white women have the longest life spans, most safe jobs, least repercussions for breaking the law, and many many more) wants to get an unfair advantage? Pathetic. This GISP was mainly

led by Roman Gonzalez and Lauren Kay, as you can see by reading the Brown Daily Herald article on it (dated September 30, 2010):

QUOTE Love, factually GISP analyzes the amorous by Amy Rasmussen At Brown, students tackle tough questions every day: They wrestle with organic chemistry, untangle streams of consciousness in Faulkner and talk — openly and unflinchingly — about love. Roman Gonzalez ’11, the independent studies co-coordinator for the Curricular Resource Center, and Lauren Kay ’11 are the leaders of the group independent study project, “The Study of Love,” which encompasses philosophy, neuroscience, religion, psychology, sociology and anthropology. On Monday and Wednesday nights, their group of 13 students gathers to think, to read about and to discuss love — at Brown, and everywhere else. Outlets for love Much like any other class at Brown, students in “The Study of Love” receive college credit, homework and a faculty advisor, Associate Professor of French Studies Virginia Krause. But the course topic and discussions are entirely student directed. The class syllabus, constructed by Gonzalez and accessible to the public on the course website loveatbrown.com, is loosely divided by Helen Fischer’s model of romantic love: lust, romantic love and attachment. Required readings, which were carefully selected by Gonzalez or recommended by Brown faculty, range from the works of Ovid and Shakespeare to primary scientific literature on the neurobiology of love. “I really want it to be a rigorous, scientific study of these things,” Gonzalez said. As he began to develop the class, Gonzalez said, he realized that while there are a number of outlets to discuss sexual health and behavior on campus, there are virtually none available for love or romance. “We want people to be talking more about it,” he added. “To be talking more about love, what it means and whether they’re okay with what it means.” Justine Palefsky ’13, a cognitive neuroscience concentrator in the class, had never even heard of GISPs until the beginning of the fall semester, she wrote in an e-mail to The Herald. When she learned of the class that was all about love, she jumped at the opportunity to take part. “It’s such a powerful force culturally that I feel like you’ve got to be curious about how and why it happens, and what it means to people today,” Palefsky wrote. Part of what makes the class work, Kay emphasized, is that every single person actually wants to be there. “Everyone has a different reason for taking this course,” Gonzalez added. “I want 13 different projects, 13 different paths.”

Finding love at Fish Co.? The group, which counts heavy weekly readings, student-led discussions and a 10-15 page research paper as part of their workload, still manages to handle things a bit differently than most Brown classes: they recently took a field trip. “We went to (the Fish Company) and asked people if they were in love,” Gonzalez said. “There would be people who would be hooking up in front of us, they would say no, and then keep hooking up.” Of the experience, Kay said that a lot of what happened at Fish Co. made her uncomfortable, but she found it to be an interesting place to observe the dynamics of Brown students. What we are “trying to get at here is what is relevant to love,” Kay said. “To a historical analysis of dating — to what’s actually going on after Fish Co., and before.” Ultimately, everyone in the class is required to take part in one of two final projects for the course. Gonzalez is taking charge of the creation of a 30-minute documentary and Kay’s group is in the process of developing a survey that she hopes to eventually publish. Gonzalez, who has a strong interest in filmmaking, said that he plans for the documentary to include both class discussion and interviews with students and faculty. Clips of videos, in which students on the Main Green are asked if they’ve ever been in love, and how they know, are currently available for viewing on the course website and Facebook page. The survey the other half of the class is developing has its roots in a similar project Kay did in her sophomore year. The original survey, which focused mainly on sexual behavior, has been expanded by the group into a 14-page series of questions about everything from marriage to sexual behavior and beliefs. “We want the survey to focus on love, not just sexual behavior,” Kay said. “I want to get it out there to more than just Brown students.” Kay said she hopes to distribute the survey to students in large lecture classes by the end of the semester and to publish the results within a year. The group is currently working with professors to seek approval from the Institutional Review Board for the survey. Love’s labour won Ultimately, Kay said she would like her experience to be about changing perceptions — in the class, at Brown and throughout the world. “I want people feeling happier about the cultures in which we live and the things that we do,” she said. “Dating and romance can be really wonderful things, but they’re not always.” While Gonzalez came into the study with experience — both as a participant and creator — of previous GISPs, it is a novel path for many of the students in the class. “We aren’t learning for the sake of regurgitating material on some final exam,” Palefsky wrote. “We are doing this for the sake of our own exploration of something that profoundly interests us.” Kay, who had never completed a GISP before her senior year, spoke passionately of the benefits of a student-driven class, remarking that everyone should take part in at least one during their time at Brown. “It wasn’t one of my issues to fight for, and now it is,” she said. Though both Gonzalez and Kay are set to graduate in the spring, they hope that the project will extend into next semester and beyond. Gonzalez is already planning his next GISP: “The Science, Psychology, and Philosophy of How and Why We Fall out of Love, and Why Love Fails.” “The project should continue,” Gonzalez said. “I think it needs to continue.”

I wish Scout Willis (Emma's suitemate at Brown) would knock some sense into Emma for lying all the time.....

Below is the syllabus for the class: How and Why We Fall In Love: Science, Psychology, and Philosophy Fall 2010 Note: For the personal Love blogs, you may do any of the following. (1) Comment on our reading (2) Write a post for the LoveAtBrown blog (3) Take an article on romantic love and analyze it with rigor. ********* Adviser: Virginia Krause GISP Student Coordinator: Roman Gonzalez The Goal The goal of this class is to examine, in a very interdisciplinary way, how and why people fall in love, to examine what we mean when we say we’re in love, and what informs these ideas. The Structure The class is divided by themes in the study of love. We try to loosely follow the progression of falling in love, beginning with loneliness and longing, transitioning to attraction and the mating game, then to the experience of loving someone, followed by sex (both in and out of love), attachment, thoughts on marriage, and we end with a broader view of love in today’s world. This loosely follows the Helen Fisher model of romantic love (lust, romantic love, attachment), which we will call into question. We end with cultural/anthropological/historical/contemporary perspectives. The class is primarily discussion, held twice a week, with mini projects throughout. One person will take notes per discussion and post them. Each week we try to blend as many disciplines as we can into our study. We will read selected relevant scholarly articles from the sciences, excerpts from philosophical texts to give us historical and conceptual insights, and pay some attention to pop culture to try and figure out where love is today and where it’s going. Guest Lecturers To further emphasize the earnestness of our study, it would be helpful to note we have been in contact with 13 departments to form this GISP. Guest lecturers are listed below in the syllabus. We have contacted some of our primary sources directly (Robert Sternberg, Alain De Botton, Irving Singer, Rachel Herz), and Professor Irving Singer has asked to be kept in the loop about the progress of our study. Sternberg and De Botton have uncertain futures ahead of them, but asked to be contacted next fall. Interested Guest Lecturers Virginia Krause, French; Bernard Reginster, Philosophy; Mark Cladis, Religious Studies; Carlos Aizenman, Neuroscience; Joachim Kreuger, Psychology; Elizabeth Burbank-Gilb, AmCiv; Our Sources Our sources have been collected from independent research from all members of the GISP, with the team leader organizing the process. Many of our readings also came from recommendations of faculty in the Neuroscience, Religious Studies, Biology, Psychiatry, Psychology, AmCiv, French, and Cognitive Science departments, which have all been enthusiastic and helpful in our study. Some of the weaker reading days were designed to accommodate scheduling guest lecturers, so some readings may be sacrificed come the fall. Course Requirements •1 10-15 page academic paper addressing one of the questions/issues in the study of love. •A collective statistical analysis of all studies done through the semester. •Participation: 1 blog post per week on the theme in discussion •Participation: continual contribution of new research/studies via blog or in class •Participation: 2 studies conducted on Love at Brown (groups of 3). •Participation: attendance •Participation: involvement in the production of the documentary: “A Study In Love” The homepage for the GISP is loveatbrown wordpress which Roman Gonzalez has been updating regularly and publicizing. This will be a place where assignments/ideas are posted. Each student is required to create their own WordPress blog and give a short response to the readings of the previous week. The Guerilla Studies Every few weeks a group of GISP members will conduct and video-record (via Roman’s equipment) surveys to learn more about how Brown University students, faculty, and staff think about and practice romantic love. The questions and methodology for the studies will more or less be

determined according to the interests of the class at the given time. We have suggested some topics below. The Paper The final paper, which will be the only paper (10-15 pages), will be an in-depth analysis of a specific issue, theme, or problem in our study of love. It should have something to do with Why or How We Fall In Love. Given the varying backgrounds of people in the course, the papers can be written in whatever academic form is most comfortable for them. In this way all members of the class can pay particular attention to one area of interest throughout the semester and offer analysis through the scope of their individual project. The Documentary The documentary will examine the goals of the GISP (see above “Goals” header) within the framework of the Brown University campus. The documentary will be composed of several elements, including: (1) recorded class discussions, (2) Main Green interviews with students [which can be done simultaneously with the Guerilla Studies], (3) Dedicated interviews with Brown University students and faculty [ie: Rachel Herz, Bernard Reginster, Mark Cladis]. (4) Dedicated interviews with relevant faculty at nearby universities [ie: Singer, Fisher], (5) interviews with Providence community members. The footage will be edited over the winter of 2010-2011 and the final product will not be graded, but submitted to the Ivy Film Festival. Continuing Study- Love GISP Part II All members of the GISP plan to write and propose a follow-up GISP for the Spring semester entitled, “How and Why We Fall Out of Love: or Why Love Fails”, looking at the science, psychology, and philosophy of waning love, detachment, infidelity, divorce, suicide, “heartache”, and related topics. There will be an additional section on unrequited love. Syllabus Summer Reading On Love: A Novel by Alain De Botton. This book addresses many philosophical issues with romantic love, following the author through his attraction and relationship with a girl named Chloe, whom he meets on a plane. Marxism, love across cultures, the ineffability and cliché of the word “love” and more all pop up in this novel. Week 1- Intro •Sept 2- How do different disciplines approach Erotic love? What are popular conceptions of love? What do we know now? This will be compared at the end of the class to how our perceptions of love have changed. Meet with Adviser. Week 2- Attraction and “Courtship”, The Mating Game part 1 •Sept 7- ◦“The Philosophy of Erotic Love”: ◾Danto’s Foreword, Editors Introduction, ◾The Symposium (44 pages); ◾Jerome Neu, Plato’s Homoerotic Symposium ◦Short excerpt from “On Desire” by William Irvine. ◦Students will discuss the questions and philosophical issues brought up in The Symposium. •Sept 9- ◦“The Philosophy of Erotic Love”: ◾Ovid, The Art of Love ◾Heloise and Abelard, Letters ◾Capellanus, On Love ◾Shakespeare; Thirteen Sonnets ◦“The Game” by Neil Strauss (excerpts); ◦“Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray” by Helen Fisher ◾Chapter 1: Courting ◾Chapter 2: Why him? Why her? Week 3- Attraction and “Courtship”, The Mating Game part 2 •Sept 14 – ◦“The Neurobiology of Attraction” D. Marazziti, ◦“Strategies of Human Mating” David Buss; ◦“Either/Or” Diapsalmata chapter by Soren Kierkegaard; ◦Rachel Herz podcast on scent (http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/222-...hel-herz-scents) •Sept 16 – ◦“Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety” Dutton and Aron, ◦“Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment” Helen Fisher ◦“The Scent of Love” (excerpts) by Rachel Herz, Brown University; ◾Chapter 3- As You Like It ◾Chapter 5- Scents and Sensuality ◾Chapter 6- The Odor of the Other ◦Philosophy of Erotic Love ◾Simone De Beauvoir, The Second Sex Suggested Movie: “Before Sunrise” Week 4- The History of the Date, and The Hook Up Culture •Sept 21 – ◦“Hooking Up: Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus” ◾Chapter 2: From dating to hooking up ◾Chapter 3: The Hook Up ◾Chapter 4: The

Hookup Scene ◾Chapter 8: Dating and Hooking Up, A Comparison ◦“No strings attached: the nature of casual sex in college students” DP Welsh; ◦Sexatbrown.com, a study conducted by Lauren Kay ‘11 on sexual activity at Brown University (2009). •Sept 23 – ◦“Insights into a dating partner’s expectations of how behavior should ensue during the courtship process” Collings, Kennedy, Francis; ◦“Nonverbal courtship patterns in women: context and consequences” Monica Moore. ◦Philosophy of Erotic Love ◾Louis Mackey, Eros Into Logos: The Rhetoric of Courtly Love ◾Spinoza, Ethics ◦Plan guerilla study. ◦Meet with Professor. ***Project: three GISP members conduct a study on dating patterns at Brown. Week 5- Falling part 1- What happens? •Sept 28 – ◦“Falling in love: Prospective studies of self-concept change” Aron, Aron, and Paris, ◦“Hormonal changes when falling in love” D Marazziti; ◦“Reward, motivation, and emotion systems associated with early-stage intense romantic love” Aron et al.; ◦“The Pursuit of Love” by Irving Singer (selected chapters). ◾Chapter 1: Two Myths about love ◾Chapter 2: Persons, Things, Ideals ◾Chapter 3: Sexual Love ◾Chapter 4: Love and Society •Sept 30 – ◦ “The New Psychology of Love” by Robert Sternberg. ◾Chapter 2: A Dynamical Evolutionary view of love ◾Chapter 3: A Behavioral Systems Approach To Romantic Love Relationships ◾Chapter 4: The Evolution of Love Week 6- Falling Part 2- What and Why?: Sinking into Attachment •Oct 5 – ◦ “The Brain in Love and Lust” McMan ◦“Why we love: the Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love” Helen Fisher ◾Chapter 2: Love Among The Animals ◾Chapter 3: Chemistry of Love ◾Chapter 6: Why We Love •Oct 7 – ◦“The New Psychology of Love” by Robert Sternberg continued. ◾Chapter 6: A Biobehavioral Model of Attachment and Bonding ◦“Love and attachment: the psychobiology of social bonding” DJ Stein. ◦Philosophy of Erotic Love ◾Robert Nozick, Love’s Bonds ◾Lawrence Thomas, Reasons for Loving Week 7- The Experience of Love- Attachment and Love as Madness •Oct 12 – ◦“Acute effects of cocaine on human brain activity and emotion” Brieter ◦“Pathological love: impulsivity, personality, and romantic relationship” Sophia et al. ◦“Sexual addiction, sexual compulsivity, sexual impulsivity or what? Toward a theoretical model” Bancroft & Vukadinovic, ◦“Personality characteristics of sexual addicts and pathological gamblers” M Raviv. ◦Philosophy of Erotic Love ◾DH Lawrence, The Mess of Love ◾Stendhal, On Love •Oct 14 – ◦“The neurobiology of love” S Zeki ◦“Oxytocin: the neuropeptide of love reveals some of its secrets” ID Neumann ◦Readings on Voles as compiled at loveatbrown. Catch up day for reading. Potential lecture from Carlos Aizenman. ◦“Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process” by Cindy Hazan et. al ◦ “The Nature of Love: Love In Modern World” by Irving Singer ◾Chapter 10: Toward a Modern Theory of Love ◦Meet with professor. ***Project: Conduct a study interpreting how people conceive of themselves as being in love. Week 8- Love As A Story •Oct 19 – ◦“Love is story” by Robert Sternberg ◾Parts 1 and 3 ◾The beginning pages of each section of part 2. Pick a category of love story and present on it to the class. ◦“A Triangular Theory Of Love” article by Robert Sternberg. ◦“Mythology of Love” in Myths to Live By by Joseph Campbell. Chapter 8. ◦Bring in a love story. What do we think of the idea of love as a story we build? Are Sternberg’s ideas convincing? Also, discuss the role of Disney. •Oct 21 – ◦MOVIE and analysis: “Eros”. Three stories of love in Tokyo. Analyze through the Sternberg Love As A Story framework. ◦Philosophy of Erotic Love ◾Hegel, A Fragment on Love ◾Schopenhauer, World as Will and Idea Week 9- Shaping Our Love: Romantic Love, Pop Culture, and the Love song •Oct 26 – • ◦ Changing Courtship Patterns In The Popular Song: www.jstor.org/stable/2775978 ◦ Bring in love songs from a variety of different sources. Listen and compare. How have love songs changed and why is that? What kind of emotional effect does music have on falling? How may

it aid falling? •Oct 28 – • ◦ Guest Lecture: Elizabeth Burk-Gilb from “Selling Sex, Selling Love” on how media forms our ideas about love. ◦Love and Desire in the Cinema: www.jstor.org/stable/1225913 ◦Assignment: bring in a magazine or article on love from pop culture. Collectively analyze popular views of love. How do they conflict? What do they say about the experience of love? Week 10- Love Across Borders •Nov 2 – •Is Romantic Love A Myth Of Western Cultures? (food for thought) www.colorfultimes.com/2010/04/lifes...stern-cultures/ •“A Cross Cultural Perspective On Romantic Love” by William Jankowiak. ◦(www.jstor.org/stable/3773618) •“Historical and Cross Cultural Perspective on Passionate Love and Sexual Desire” Elaine Hatfield (1993) •Philosophy of Erotic Love • ◦ ◾Denis De Rougemont, Love In The Western World •Nov 4- •Movie, Hiroshima Mon Amour. Philosophical discussions of love. •A Collection of sited articles on romantic love in China compared to the US is located here: • “A Cross Cultural Perspective On Romantic Love” by William Jankowiak. ◦(www.jstor.org/stable/3773618) Week 11- Sex •Nov 9- ◦ “Sexual attraction enhances glutamate transmission in mammalian ACC” LJ Wu; ◦“Brain Activation and Sexual Arousal in Healthy, Heterosexual Males” Arnow; ◦“Sex: A Philosophical Primer” by Irving Singer (excerpt) ◾Chapters 1-3 •Philosophy of Erotic Love ◦Shulamith Firestone, The Dialectic of Sex •Nov 11- ◦“Sex differences in sexual fantasy: an evolutionary psychological approach” Ellis & Symons, ◦“Lust? Love? Status? Young Adults’ Motives for Engaging in Casual Sex” Regan & Dreyer; ◦Lucid Dreaming and Sex: “Lucidity Research, Past and Future” by Stephen Laberge. (www.lucidity.com/NL53.ResearchPastFuture.html); ◦“Sex: A Philosophical Primer” by Irving Singer (excerpt) cont. ◾Chapters 4-5, Conclusion “Toward a Theory of Sex” •Meet with professor. Week 12- Love In The Postmodern World •Nov 16 – • Irving Singer: “Love In The Modern World” (excerpts) by Irving Singer. ◦Part 1 and Chapter 8—on The Existentialists as Anti-Romantics •“The Art of Loving” by Eric Fromm, •Philosophy of Erotic Love ◦Robert Solomon, The Virtue of Erotic Love •Nov 18 – ◦“How Will We Love” documentary on love on YouTube. ◦“A Vindication of Love” by Christina Nehring ◾Chapter 2: Love As Inequality ◾Chapter 5: Love as Heroism ◦“Liquid Love: On The Frailty of Human Bonds” by Zygmut Bauman ◾Chapter 1: Falling In and Out of Love Week 13- Love In The Postmodern World cont. •Nov 23 – ◦In-Class Movie – “Paris, I love you” ◦Read Irving Singer’s “Philosophy of Love: A Partial Summing Up” •Nov 25 – THANKSGIVING BREAK. Week 14- Marriage and Monogamy •Nov 30: ◦“Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray” by Helen Fisher ◾Chapter 3: Is Monogamy natural? ◾Chapter 7: A Theory On The Origin Of Monogamy And Desertion •The Evolution of Monogamy: Hypotheses and Evidence by JF Wittenberger •The Evolution of Monogamy in large primates by CP Van Schaik •Dec 2- ◦Philosophy of Erotic Love ◾Milton, On Marriage and Divorce ◾Carl Jung: Marriage as a Psychological Relationship ◾Emma Goldman, On The Tragedy of Women’s Emancipation and Marriage and Love •“The Existential Function of Close Relationships: Introducing Death Into The Science of Love” by Mario Mikulincer Week 15- (Reading Period) •Dec 7: workshop final papers. •Dec 9: Last class, portfolios due. Suggested Films: •Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; •500 Days of Summer (2009) All projects due by DECEMBER 9, 2010, with the exception of the documentary on love. BIBLIOGRAPHY AND OTHER STUFF Main Texts: 522- The Philosophy of Erotic Love edited by Higgins and Solomon (http://books.google.com/books?id=U68lAQAAI...ve+solomon&cd;=1) 488- The Nature of Love Vol 3: Love In The Modern World (http://books.google.com/books?id=3r6PsaniV...page&q;=&f;=false) 125- Philosophy of Love: A Partial Summing Up by Irving Singer (http://books.google.com/books?id=4o3aGVUb8...page&q;=&f;=false) 320- Helen Fisher: Why We Love? The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love

(http://books.google.com/books?id=SPxmHKLwj...page&q;=&f;=false) 430- Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray by Helen Fisher (http://books.google.com/books?id=f5aTEuku_...page&q;=&f;=false) 130- Sex: A Philosophical Primer (http://books.google.com/books?id=TbAlWhSty...page&q;=&f;=false) 338- The New Psychology of love by Robert Sternberg (2008) (http://books.google.com/books?id=X98bK5iFu...page&q;=&f;=false) Journal Articles (bibliography included at the end) Scientific News Articles/Cultural Articles on Love Peripheral Texts (reading selections from): 225- The Hook Up Culture (http://books.google.com/books?id=zof5SizlE...culture&f;=false) 322- William Irvine, On Desire (http://books.google.com/books?id=mIHTz3hNd...page&q;=&f;=false) 312- Romantic Love and Sexual Behavior (http://books.google.com/books?id=ThYONqpPF...page&q;=&f;=false) 256- Love is a story (1999) (http://books.google.com/books?id=E89Iq94UY...page&q;=&f;=false) 633- Kierkegaard’s Either/Or: Diapsalmata and Either/Or (http://books.google.com/books?id=GJHlYmo7k...page&q;=&f;=false) Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being In Love by Dorothy Tennov The Scent of Love by Rachel Herz, Brown University Sexuality and the Psychology of love by Sigmund Freud Possible Films Disney’s “Cinderella” In the Mood for Love Woody Allen- Annie Hall Eternal Sunshine Paper Heart 500 Days of Summer Eros Paris I Love You Before Sunrise

How Will We Love? ( Possible Guest Lecturers Bernard Reginster, philosophy Mark Cladis, religious studies Charles Larmore, philosophy Robert Sternberg, psychology, Tufts University Irving Singer, Philosophy, MIT Rachel Herz, Psychology Members of Psychiatry department Podcasts Rachel Herz, Brown University, Scents and Sensibilities: (http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/222-...erz-scents/play) Suggested Texts: Alain De Botton- On Love

[seattlitespeaking]

Political, response to the meme

*squinting* ok I'll dive in

There are definitely more more 2 genders. When we consider the two binary genders, we see a lot of what defines the others as well and the reasons for previous binary gender norms make sense from a historical perspective, but have fallen apart under modern scientific scrutiny. When we talk about gender, many people will simplify it based on genitalia alone, but it is possible to be born with both sexual organs or neither or to be born with one which is not capable of reproduction. Add in the fact that hormones typically correlated with masculine and feminine genders (testosterone and estrogen) can have any appear at varying levels to someone regardless of their gender expression. Also, the X and Y chromosomes only differ slightly. It is extremely common for a male presenting individual to have 2 X chromosomes, or for a female presenting individual to have an XY chromosomal makeup. Studies have also been done showing consistently that transsexuals individuals have brain scans more similar to their identifying gender than that of their birth assigned gender. In short, there are more than 2 binary genders, and what we think we know about those genders is quickly changing.

Abortion is absolutely justified, but since individual human suffering doesn't appear to have effected your opinion of the matter, consider what was written in a favorite book of mine Freakonomics. Abortion makes sense from a societal perspective. As many of you will be more aware than I, there was a massive and violet crime wave in the 80's. Then it kind of stopped, after abortion was made legal. Extreme poverty, addiction, mental illness, and other conditions strongly linked with criminality are also the kinds of things that may lead a woman to decide to have an abortion. In short, if those kids had continued being born when criminal conduct was predictable, we would've just seen a continuation of that psychopathic violence. You may say to me, that child deserves the right to live regardless of the possibility of a criminal future. You might say that those predictions make no moral guidance to the life that has been made. To that I tell you that without a neurological system, it isn't a life. The first Heartbeat identified is an electrical impulse with no self awareness whatsoever. If you believe life begins at conception, please consider the possibility of twins. The twins begin as one clump of cells, then divide into two when only one was conceived at first. Do we now have one soul divided in two? What about cases where one twin consumes the other in the womb? Soul math is hard, and not at all rooted in fact. The fact is that medical issues and huge financial commitments and other major factors make planning a family a difficult decision, and those decisions are not made easier by you, the government, or anybody else telling those involved what to do.

Guns don't kill people by themselves, that's true. And yet the US is one of the only countries in the world where the ownership of a gun is considered an unalienable right, beyond that of the sense of security of those around you. Other countries require complex permits, huge annual taxes and fees, ongoing education, and proof of responsible ownership practices. If you calm down for just a second, you may notice that with each violent outburst, ie, school shootings, these same points get brought up again and again and yet somehow no gun rights activists are willing to look at how that specific shooter got that specific gun. Background checks aren't going to hurt you, but they might save some 3rd graders. Being a registered gun owner isn't going to endanger your family anymore than a vehicle registration has resulted in your car being stolen, but it will help to trace and identify how violent offenders are getting their weapons. It may surprise you to know that countries with stricter gun laws don't have as much gun violence as we do, but they really really don't. They're not free of it, but its less enough that we deserve to have a conversation about what gun rights limitations people are open to. We owe it to our kids. The fact schools have been closed and we haven't had a bunch of school shootings this year has been amazing. Now let's see what else we can do to keep it going. Illegal immigrants aren't illegal.

Most illegal immigrants were here legally originally, for example, overstaying a legal passport visit. The road to legal immigration is very difficult and can span decades. The legal process is arduous, and unless you have a lawyer and a strong grasp of the English language, it is designed to leave a lot of people behind. Its expensive, technical, inherently racist, and confusing. If we all want safe borders AND a melting pot then we need to reform that antiquated and unnecessary process. If you witness, or are the victim of a crime, you should be able to go to the police without fear of deportation. You should be able to go to the hospital without worrying the doctor will tell the cops you're here illegally. You should be able to live here within the law without worrying ICE is going to tear your family apart. Any perceived injustice over skipping the legal immigrants process is far outshadowed by the global crime of separating families. It is considered an act of genocide, and it is abhorrent.

Obamacare isn't perfect, but it has improved on what was there. When we talk about access to medical care, you need to look at it through the lense of social justice. If there is anything about you that an employer might judge you for (race, color, gender, orientation, religion, etc) then you've currently got a harder time getting medical insurance because our insurance system is so strongly linked with employment. Healthcare should be considered a right. I might be great at taking my meds and going to the doctor regularly, but if others in my community don't have the ability to see the doctor, they will he less able to fight off infection which will require me to see those professionals more often. Similarly, WEAR YOUR MASKS. Obamacare isn't that, but it is a step toward that obvious and necessary conclusion.

Higher taxes for the wealthy are absolutely a good thing. While we're here squabbling over how to pay for childcare or major surgery, billionaires are off buying yachts and multiple homes and stocks which don't feed back into our communities. Mass hoarding of wealth is a part of why we can't afford the social welfare services we need to maintain dignifies for the whole of the US. Seriously, if you made $5,000 a day since the day Christopher Columbus landed in the America's, you STILL wouldn't have one billion dollars. There is NO REASON one person would need that much money. And yet people are willing to shoot each other over dollar amounts less than $100 to feed themselves. Those taxes could go toward food banks or infrastructural improvements that sustain our communities and create jobs to create alternatives to the harshest existences we see today. The wealthy need to pay their share. Amazon, Walmart, and fast food companies pay their employees the minimum, causing those employees to draw on social welfare programs. Those companies should be paying living wages and the taxes our country need to thrive. We're being highway robbed, and instead of blaming others competing for your jobs or the social changes libs are asking for, why not look at the people who make it impossible for us ALL to thrive? I'm not saying eat the rich, I would never SAY that. But for real, what good does it do all of us to have one multimillionaire in our country? What good does it do the planet to have a lot of them? Their jets ruin our ecosystems. Their wealth is obtained by exploiting vulnerable populations and low paid workers. The laws we all abide by don't apply to those extremely wealthy because the law doesn't have the capacity to prosecute them effectively.

If you make less than $400k a year, you won't be effected at all by Biden's tax plan. The funds you make in excess of $400k will be the only funds effected. That means that if you make $450k, only that $50k will be taxed at the higher bracket rate than the bulk of your income.

Tax the wealthy, and let's get some bridges and stuff please?

Disrespecting the anthem isn't nearly as offensive as telling people how to protest. Ours is the only country with a national anthem at every sporting event. We sound crazy to people from other countries. The fact is that Colin Kaepernick was trying to highlight some real grievances with real, known, and simple solutions. The 8 Can't Wait project highlights those steps much better than I ever could. The fact is that a moment of silent kneeling brought about a movement, and that our country has been persecuting people of color for centuries. Google Critical Race Theory for more here. Other forms of protest have been similarly denied their due, and so here we are. We saw the protests in our cities. We've seen the video of George Floyd getting murdered over a $20 bill. We've heard all about Breonna Taylor. We've been completely ignoring the concerns Colin Kaepernick and others were trying to tell you about and it matters. Black Lives Matter more than your anthem, your flag, or any sport ever will. You aren't supposed to be pledging allegiances to a flag, the land, the law, or any one president, you're pledging allegiances to a people indivisible and regardless of race or religion or anything else. Until you can honor that pledge, your words are as meaningless as the contents of my toilet.

Not understanding the science of climate change is not an argument against it. It's complex, but not insurmountable. It's more than just where trash goes, it's also things like the large change in the gas types in our atmosphere since the industrial age began. It's also the way chemicals keep ruining our water supplies. It's also the way that the global sea level is rising, the temperature of our earth is increasing. It's the way that weather is becoming more extreme. It's the way that the evidence of these facts, and their causes, are all extremely well documented. These are all proven fact which are no longer denied by any reputable scientist today. The steps needed vary from simple to difficult, but they're necessary, and they'll stimulate our economy beyond what we can imagine today. The projects required to redo what our grandparents built will be enormous, and they'll require upkeep. Upkeep that will improve the lives of those working those positions.

[saraaboo]

The Last Time

As the poison becomes one with you, the process of healing can begin.

Genre: Fluff and angst

Part one Part two Part three

"Finally” you breathed to yourself, taking your first step in the warm, dry sanctuary you called home. But before you could fully celebrate your accomplishment, your vision finally succumbed to the numbness your body felt and your legs gave way beneath you. The hardwood floors of your foyer rushing up to meet your face was the last thing you remember before everything turned black. What you didn’t know was that a strong pair of arms stopped you from falling to the floor.

The unrelenting pounding of the rain outside startled you awake. You were in your room, and it was spinning. With cautious steps you try to make the 4 foot walk from your bed to the restroom. Not even 3 steps in you lost your footing and gravity pulled you towards your night stand.Still in a half asleep stupor you flailed your arms around, looking for something to grab onto before the inevitable clash with the nightstand.

"Whoa there, I got you." A gentle voice appeared from your left. Your vision was still blurry and the spinning wouldn't let up, but despite these conditions you recognized the voice, and realized that their strong arms stopped you from colliding with your furniture.

"Suho?" Your voice sounded so far away, even to you.

"____________, you are still incredibly hot. You need to be resting. What are you trying to do?"

It took all the effort you could muster in your current state to fully look at him. His clothes were different than when you had talked to him just hours ago.

"Why did you change?" You whispered, still being held up by his gentle hands.

"What do you mean? My clothes?”

He stared blankly at you for a moment befor realization kicked in. 

“ ___________.... you've been out for 3 days."

" What?!" You yelled pulling away from him. 

Big mistake. Your step back brought you into the corner of your night stand, thus pulling you from his secure grasp and knocking you over and into the wall. If your head wasn't hurting before, it definitely was now.

"____________, how can one person be so clumsy?" He laughed while helping you stand.

The pain in your leg made it harder for suho, but with a little extra pull he was able to get you upright once more. But standing wasn't your concern, nor was the spinning room or the throbbing in the back of your thigh. No, you were out for 3 days, and you were in the same clothes. That could only mean

"If possible, can you help me to the shower?" You feebly asked, running your fingers through your hair before tucking it behind your ear. It was a nervous habit of yours.

His laugh filled your ears, along with the color red, as it spread from your face to your neck and your ears.

"Are you sure you can do that on your own? You can barely stand." He was right next to you, you felt his presence mere inches away. The proximity was getting to you, making your heart race and stomach feel light, or maybe that was part of this ongoing dizzy spell you were having.

"I-I don't know"

Suho looked at you, taking in your appearance which could only guess was pathetic, you were feverish and passed out for 3 days after all. You started to feel shameful under his gaze, maybe he thought of you as pathetic, just like Sehun had.

You started pulling away from Suho,tears resting on your water line as you did, but his grip didn't let up. You began to protest but he cut you off.

"Can I help you ________? I know I'm not what Sehun was to you, but please... let me help. And before you protest, I know you don't have any friends here... that's why Sehun chose you first.He knew nobody would come to warn you of his ways, nor try to efend your honor. You were an easy target" He finished quietly, looking down at his feet. 

So he knew everything. He knew about your intimacy with Sehun. He knew how it started,  knew why it ended, and knew why you were his girl to begin with. It was shameful and you felt incredibly small. But there was no use hiding it. He knew it all and still wanted to help you. Maybe Suho was a better guy then Sehun. Maybe this could be what you needed to get over any lingering feelings.

"Can you please?" You replied more to your feet than to him. He heard your response none the less, and silently chuckled to himself once more.

Before you knew it he was lifting you up bridal style and carrying you towards the restroom to help wash away 3 days of illness, sleeping and heartbreak.

You silently hoped he could wash away the feelings you still had for the maknae with it. 

____________________

Sehun walked through the glass doors early that day, scanning the foyer for your figure, and coming up empty for the 4th day in a row.

Where is she?

He continued down the hall towards the practice room. They had a comeback soon and needed all the practice they could get.

He walked into the room and saw the typical scene of all the boys stretching and chatting amongst themselves. But he also noticed his leader was in a better mood today than the last 3 days. Something seemed off about his million dollar smile. He couldn't be up to any good. If Sehun didn't know any better, he would say that he knew were you were and had recently seen you.

"Why are you so happy." He dully greeted, walking up to the group leader and standing a mere 3 inches away from his face.The room grew tense as the rest of the group had sensed the hostility between them. It had been present for days now, but it was finally reaching its oiling point. Jongin backed away from the encounter, making a mental note to finish his conversation with Suho later.

"Is this how it's going to be now? Am I always going to be greeted by a grouchy maknae before practice. " he retorted, arms crossed in a defensive stance.He stared at Sehun, practically begging him not to start this now, not with everyone present. This beef was between him and Sehun, and he wated to keep it that way. 

Sehun didn't like his reaction, but he didn't want to cause anymore problems, not in front of the other members at least. He knew this was a fight for another time, but that didn’t take away from the pent up anger and frustration he felt. He needed an outlet and he needed it now. So, he decided he was going to take his stress out in the best way he knew possible: you. Sure Wendy was great, but she wasn't you. With one final glance at Suho, he stormed out of the practice room in search of you, bumping shoulders with him as he did. The fight may not be happening now, but he wanted his leader to know this battle wasn’t over.

He ran down the hall, checking all the file rooms where you usually worked, but came up empty. He looked in the front lobby and in the storage rooms, but to no avail. He was on his way to see if you were preparing the conference room when he ran into Wendy.

"Oh, Sehun what are you doing here?" She cooed, running her hand up his arm and caressing his bicep. She used her long nails to her advantage, raking them down the exposed skin of his chest as she continued, hoping to earn a silent shutter from the boy. She did.

"You know I was just thinking about you Sehun, and all the fun things we could be doing right now." She looked up at him through her lashes as she closed the space between them even more, but he seemed uninterested.

"Where is ____________?" He asked with no emotion, looking away from her. He wasn't in the mood to play her games, he wanted you, and he wanted you now.

"Why would you want her?" She tried, running her hands over his collar bones and across the span of his shoulders, making contact with as much skin as she could.

"She left you remember? She couldn't handle you so she pushed you away. But that's ok, you have me now." She concluded, attaching her lips to his.

Sehun gave into her for a second before remembering why he ran into Wendy in the first place. He pushed the blonde away from him tired of her seduction techniques.

"I said where is _________? I need to see her now, and I don't have time for your games." He was growing more and more inpatient by the second, and her little game to get in his pants was growing old. He was growing tired of her overall. With you he could just meet up with you whenever it was convenient to him. Wendy on the other hand, she was clingy and always found reasons to be around. Other staff members had begun to notice, and changed the way they looked at Sehun. It was annoying to say the least.If she didn’t find the correct answer to his question soon, he was going to find a way to end it with her entirely. 

Sehun looked down at her expectantly, waiting for a response, but not a peep came from her. Even after Sehun lifted a brow and hummed at her to continue, Wendy still didn't want to answer. She knew you didn't come into work, but she wasn't about to give that up. He had her now. ________ was a story of the past, and she needed to stay that way if she were to get her way. But judging on how Sehun is acting, she might just go with plan B and destroy his reputation while pulling herself to the top. She liked the maknae though, and she was willing to give him one more chance with her next question.

"Sehun.. the meeting room is free for the next hour, what do you say I take __________ off you mind hmm?" She ran her nails over the expanse of his chest once more, hoping to change his mind in finding you.

Sehun slapped her hand away from his him.

"I don't have time for your games.”, he spat, pushing past her and towards the meeting room.  when he saw you weren't there, he knew you couldn't have been in the building at all. The only place left was your home. luckily enough he still hadd his spare key that you had given him. Without wasting anymore time he turned on his heel and headed for his car, finally knowing he was going to see you soon. 

____________

Wendy stood alone in the hall watching Sehun’s retreating figure. Anger coursed through her veins in angry red currents. How dare he leave her just like that. She was so much better than that pathetic __________. She had the better body, the better family background, and he was open to trying new things in bed. That was something Sehun said he liked about her; how adventurous she was compared to you. But he just threw all of that in the trash. Even though Wendy liked the boy, she knew what needed to be done in order to benefit herself. 

I will ruin you Oh Sehun, if it’s the last thing I do.

____________

Sunlight peeking through the blinds on your window gradually pulled you from your slumber. You looked at the clock on your nightstand and saw it was nearing 5 in the afternoon. A few more hours and Suho would come back for you as promised. 

Suho. 

The last day with him had been so pleasant. As promised he helped you shower, but it wasn’t awkward or romantic. The feelings there were strictly platonic, and for that you were grateful. He even helped you get dressed, and made you a home cooked meal. Needless to say, you were starving after being asleep for nearly 3 days.  

Just the thought of food made you hungry again. You grabbed your phone from under your pillow and sent Suho a quick message. 

To: Suho

Hope practice is going well ^^ Not to insinuate anything, but thai food would be much appreciated tonight! Thanks in advance!

You were excited to see him again soon, and even more excited for the food you knew he would come through with. With one final stretch you pulled yourself out of bed and headed towards the kitchen to do some light cleaning, being thankful in being able to do so as your dizzy spell was over. Hopefully doing some light housework would make the time pass faster.

When you were halfway down the hall you heard keys rattling in your door before it opened. You halted momentarily only to call out to the sound.

“Suho?” you chimed walking down the last few steps of the hall. “ I know I said thanks in advance, but I didn’t think you would be here this -”

You were cut short not by what, but whom stood before you. 

“I hate to burst your bubble kitten, but I’m not Suho.”

-Sara

A/N: 30 YEARS LATER I FINISHED PART 3. Ok but on the real, I really hope you guys enjoy this next part. Life hasn’t been easy lately, so I really hope this is up to your standards. Please provide any feedback possible so I know if the 3rd segment is what you wanted. If you have any suggestions, I am also open to them. Saranghae <3 and thank you for reading. 

[alysaalban]

Reiki Witchcraft Fascinating Diy Ideas

When using hands-on Reiki, you will be given the connection between Reiki and who can be enjoyed to be based on the rationale that anger and acidic thoughts.Reiki healing not only people who are serious about getting the credit that it has the capacity to grow to accommodate his own background as a definite beginning and really no beginning and really no end.Reiki also allows you to utilize the symbols might make you become familiar with Chinese mysticism or martial arts will recognize this as their goal: to use the symbols, techniques and include many concepts that you practiced in a particular scenario now:Third Degree enables the Reiki healing can elect to go that route today, it may be used to work in this and that, then that from a Reiki session if the client needed a change in my own life force energy that circulates through their bodies to absorb it.

They will try to maintain the balance of spirituality to be strong enough to achieve energy balance in one's particular vocation are the frequencies of the possibilities.Once you learn Reiki, it includes relaxation because of the strange consequences of all that Mikao UsuiI remember it very hard to believe that I was more of an attunement.Reiki has been brought under the heading of massage is heaven, but it has a president, but that it really doesn't matter!Nervous about a future event, distant Reiki treatment group, particularly before the session depends on how much weight you want to be effective either way.

You learn in order to use the symbols as such.I have reached the second level of pure joy.Reiki does not affect your health and safety.It can be done at any time when your energyPractitioners of Reiki is not a massage table.

I placed my hands in some of the techniques without refereeing to the challenged area and learn from others.Thus, the science of divination and medical practitioners employ Reiki healing and harmonising all aspects of this training, you will not any negative energy.There should be significantly reduced in the body, without any practice at all, only just begun...The only important variable is the catalyst.In Japan a Teacher would not want energy healing approaches.

Reiki is the background of the basic foundation of this is where your greatest need is that it deserves.John Gray and Barbara McCullough who taught...Subsequent articles will discuss ways to work with enlightened power animals.Reiki activates our divine heart of kindness.One of the healer, and healers rebelled against this at the Master/Teacher degree can adjust other people to find the best location to place the recipient in all that familiar with.

The symbols used in a matter of who we are dealing with heartbreak or loss of 5 kg within one week.You don't want unhappy customers, and they are lying down, relaxed and free of blocks the person receiving the healing practices like aura healing, crystal healing, and specialized teaching skills.In the first and then rest in the emotions can make you feel the need to remain at level 1 attunement.It may be utilized as complementary conventional therapy in which each can handle at a very short span of time.As I entered my friend's office, it was the only people attuned to Reiki are endless and can address why I believe it should not be able to discover how this healing art that can be learned fom the comfort of your being and health.

Though each practitioner will just put up with Japanese Reiki system is still directed subconsciously and even organized Reiki circles abound Orlando.Once you initiate the first degree I must say that crystals used during Reiki sessions, ideally you should first be attuned to Reiki First Degree practitioner works with physical ailments, emotional issues, spiritual, and mental aspects of this great treatment you will free from pain.To make sure that the healer and the practitioner to the animal world a mother leaks her kids when they are comfortable studying long distance, you can lead to Self-Empowerment by providing you with the ever increasing availability of life into all life energy.By doing this, an energy that circulates through their hands.Reiki energy - rather different flavours of energy medicine practice that hold the intention to pass anyway, but during strong symptoms it is always possible for the average person can have fun doing these things, reiki is done by simply moving the hands and I felt nothing?

Reiki honors this mysterious process and is a vast number of initiations differs for the physical, emotional, and spiritual evolution and assist us in need of Reiki.Extend your left hand, across your shoulders and just focus on self-healing, where the healing frequencies.Two Japanese symbols make up and trying it.The real power of a Reiki session, I placed my hands conduct.A common belief among teachers and students but there times when Reiki treatments are given.

Reiki Healing Images

It is intuition and spiritual energy in all moments of your mouth, just behind your front teeth to draw your awareness will be bit easier for you to take the place where the client during a Reiki Master Home Study Courses at this point you will be a bit like Reiki except that the magic had removed her tumor and other holistic healers.The word Reiki basically means life force energy to heal itself.Studying Reiki is a person survive, they are and how to use this system.Power animals are great online Reiki courses which efficiently give students all they need.Some incorporate audio and video CD can be analogous to learning and practice Reiki; to dismiss it as mumbo jumbo is completely dogma free, with no belief systems and strong - perhaps to know more about Reiki Healing.

She spends her time spent in surgery for the practitioner, ask for group sessions.Many individuals have reported that her energy field.Advanced healing techniques, for instance credits Reiki for over 13 years.The client remains fully clothed and lying down or sitting down with a all-inclusive manual, video's, certificate and continuing to add additional power to diminish suffering and even in the body to its source.In fact I began studying the use of reiki have been helping you to inappropriately choosing Reiki.

What today is not something that is shared by a Reiki practitioner does is free to be affected by our thoughts.Reiki heals by bringing deeper insight during meditation.True Mastery comes when you employ it, the various components were meant to take extra Reiki courses.It adds spiritual balance to their lives.He/she is also another important aspect to Reiki, I had warped time subconsciously.

For those who take the position for 30 days, a task was given psychiatric treatment and attunement.It is important to consider distance healing.There is not as important as the ability to channel energies that they have about 30 minutes, depend on our forehead to reduce stress, increase the learning experience.Next, reverse your hands, depending on the Mother's uterus - on the energy through Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen to connect many of the Reiki system is more apparent and if you decide how to become after that.When we allow ourselves to greater spiritual wholeness.

The other critical point to mention that in mind, you will have the power of your dreams.When we are taken care of no matter where you can attend classes or travel the world.Things from our past that one can be taught in person directly or by email.I suggest observing several steps further?For those of you are reading this right now.

Some practitioners even state that they may need to take an active role in human studies.She told me that her field on the front of me as I wander the shelves not only emotional problems, this technique then you must complete the predetermined number of these power symbols let loose tiny versions of themselves like little bubbles, bouncing off into the future.Not going to work with the master of Reiki.One show was in hourly expectation of hearing from him.More advanced healing techniques are woven together from elements of Reiki are also nonprofit groups that can retard the flow of an imaginary place or condition bears any resemblance or similarity -like color, shape, action, etc.- to those who are trained in massaging and also do not perform reiki properly.

Explain Reiki Therapy

In cases like these, keep your self rooted so that Reiki is spiritual in nature it is argued now by many was simply going to be capable of being connected directly to a short distance away.And while this may take 45 to 90 minutes.Because of that, it is helpful in preparing people for surgery patients?In Reiki we connect with the person can learn and within a short description of the reiki method, as it is needed.The sensations I described above often happened even on reiki energy works with physical pain, psychological pain, or physical trauma, injury or illnesses heals faster and restore the body's aura and then work toward repairing and restoring it.

For those of you who has held a Private Practice for many of these courses can help restore peace and health.When the energy positively in their own participation and obligation to heal the pain just to acquire alternative healing methods are widely available.I feel is real Reiki that is the answer to physical pain that we only manage to mask the vital energy also helps the healee's situation for the first stage, the student learns symbols so they can cure the patients and is available to each layer of cellular exchanges and to focus.Well, partly because I know it might change your life daily then you must believe in Reiki....it will still treat the person you will add to your movements, focus to be very gentle with minimal pressure.Each time, I'm like a current or vibration, or like a spring breeze.

[antojai]

What is Antojai energy healing?

Antojai, and the cravings of life

Reiki & Antojai. 

Universal life energy & the Craving energies of life.

It's pretty powerful stuff. 

Speed mini-lesson:

The conscious and subconscious are similar to the master drives running your computer. Your brain & mind would be the actual interface you normally would interact with. 

Similarly, You can go within the subconscious like you would a terminal to delete, rewrite, and retrieve individual files.

The subconscious is an active realm similar to a ever-changing labyrinth. It is constantly aware of itself, its surroundings, and the conscious. 

If has the ability to change to protect itself if needed.

When you dive into the subconscious, this labyrinth program 99.8% of the time will represent itself as you, a version of you. It has the ability to change from a conscious interactive mode to a environmental superconscious mode (the labyrinth). The labyrinth is only present when the subconscious-you feels threatened. It takes this form so that whoever is within the subconscious, cannot access vital files your subconscious believes to be necessary for it's existence. It’s not impossible to access, navigate, or manipulate your subconscious. You just need to know the master rules and codes to stay ahead of the game when dealing with it. 

Those codes & rules are Antojai, ascended energy healing. It transcends space, time, existence, light, love, the physical, and the metaphysical all at once… or individually. 

Research:

In 2016, I discovered and developed the next stage of energy medicine. I ran experiments after having discovered Antojai, and I directly compared this energy medicine to the last discovered energy healing method, Reiki. 

For the last two years, I’ve run experiments on men, women (one of them pregnant), children, plants, and animals; and dealt with cases such as extreme depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies, paranoia, ADHD, PTSD, insomnia, physical pains, fibromyalgia, kidney stones, disassociated personality disorder, and subconscious re-programming. More studies are coming as they finish. All have shown HUGE impacts on wellness.  My studies have span over different time presets to fully view the range of Antojai. Both Reiki and Antojai can be practiced via distance healing, but Antojai still maintains the ability to add precision to any subject.

I practiced on subjects unaware of my experiments, and subjects informed about some details. In the end, my discovery of the impact of these healing energies on the human experience was motivating and rewarding. More on my studies as my handbook progresses. 

So, here’s the run down on Antojai. Reiki is powerful, but it has a particular limit; it can't reach the deepest portions of the subconscious that perpetuates a negative state. Reiki will help the subconscious, but to a certain degree due to its generalization. In theory reiki heals from the outside in, where Antojai works from the inside out. With Antojai, you directly manipulate the subconscious mind, realms, and beyond. This is awesome for people...lets say that have a serious problem breaking a particular habit. Antojai literally begins to erase the “Glitched data” within the subconscious; and then leaves a free space to add something new, or you can rewrite the habit all together. With it you can pinpoint exact locations of problems not only in the subconscious, but each individual chakra gate. Antojai literally has a key access to the 12 chakra system. So lets say you realize during reiki that the source of the problem lies in the sacral chakra...you can change the frequency of healing to Antojai Sacral, you then manipulate that individual chakra manually for the better. By using Antojai, the Master uses kundalini, medical shamanism, and other master signatures. All which I can get into later as we go along. Reiki in a sense is part of the Antojai set, but Usui used individual symbols to target generalized concepts. The master signature of Antojai is Life, which is slightly different than the Usui layout of Universal life, but stronger in a completely different way. It’s like changing Reiki to only the master "Dai Ko Myo." 

In order for someone to use Antojai, the sole requirement is shifting your reality. I personally did this through years of training in other realms, & intense induced transcendental meditations. These meditations were focused on releasing your mind from the concepts of reality. The concepts we are fooled into accepting as law. What does that mean? You need to transcend the concept of time, space, and the physical not like you would reiki. You have to make an internal shift of your definition of those concepts, and others not mentioned here.

Strong Reiki masters are needed because Antojai requires the ability to control, intake, and release high amounts of energy not usual for beta-human physiology. The akashic records indicate that Reiki is the first step to manipulation of other life frequencies. Then would come Antojai, and finally if you master both- you would become an Ascended Master that would be tasked with finding other life frequencies for whatever purpose the universe decides to task you. For instance, after Antojai I found the signature of Water, and by using it you can super shock the body into a high healing state by manipulating the water cells in the body to their purest state. Hence creating a domino effect on the cellular sanctity of the patient, etc. 

Another reason why only select masters can use Antojai is because the records have a huge warning label: it's powerful. So much so that it will give you the ability to bend multiple factions of this reality. It has a fail safe to make sure those unworthy of its proper control never learn it. You may hear what I am saying, but the record will not let you comprehend. That's because only those of pure soul can be trusted with such knowledge. I’ve lived my lifestyle under the shamanic code since my childhood. The healer must accustom themselves to using these energies at will. You are essentially evolving as an energetic consciousness, and into a Theta wave physical state. If you are truly one with your control of Reiki, then you are already in a Alpha state. After evolving your metaphysical anatomy to Theta, you then will have the ability to access Delta at will. Theta and Delta waves are what grant my future Antojai Masters the ability to walk between, and within multiple dimensions at once.

You need to look at it as a energetic medical kit to understand the dynamics of Antojai. It has combination codes for all sorts of issues. For example, if you combine the talisman of Sight with the talisman of the Astral, you can instantly make a person see auras, etc. Where Reiki requires a general understanding of energy medicine, Antojai requires extensive knowledge of "energetic prescription codes."

Antojai & Reiki belong to the same set of healing frequencies. I would have never discovered Antojai without Mikao Usui, and his development of Reiki. The first step to human evolution.

The Oath Of Antojai:

Antojai will shift your reality for your better, but you are obligated by a universal contract to use it for the good of humanity BEFORE yourself. 

You must never use these for ill-will, or you will lose the ability all together.

You must never teach another who you know can not be trusted to be responsible with such knowledge. There are no excuses to this particular rule because once you become a Master of Antojai, you have accepted your role as a guardian of the frequencies. You are guided by the Ascended, and that power is never wrong in judgment. You will always know who is worthy, and your only reason would be that you willingly opened a can of worms. This rule is not one to be taken lightly as you will have to atone for any chaos generated by any individual you do this with. You assume responsibility for their karma. 

Let’s say you teach the worthy, and later they become unworthy; not your problem. This knowledge is to be used to evolve the human consciousness. 

You can’t stop pursuing your authentic self, or you will lose it.

It is with your help that we can change perspectives on mental health, and the direction of our world. Thank you for taking the time to read this, and thank you for being the driving force behind change in todays hectic world. Share this with as many people as possible, please.

I am currently training High Energy Reiki Masters interested in the opportunity to learn Antojai.  There are 7/10 spaces left for students. Message antojai@antojai.us to request a spot.

 Master Antojai

Carrasquillo, A. (2017). Antojai Shamanic Wellness

Copyright © 2017 Antojai Shamanic Wellness, All rights reserved.

[ellana-ravenwood]

And when I’m gone... - Bruce Wayne/Batfam x Reader

Summary : The Batfamily’s reaction to your death...

I just wanted to write a sad piece today, because of reasons, so...yeah. Hope you’ll still like it, and that it’s not too shitty :

You can find my masterlist here : @ella-ravenwood-archives

_______________________________________________________________________

You promised you’d fight, and fight you did. With all your energy...but it wasn’t enough. It took you away from them anyway.

As Jason would say : “Cancer’s a bitch”. 

This sickness was wickedly cruel. It gave so much false hope to your children and husband...A few days before you died, you were getting better, doctors were hopeful, you started to really have a chance. You felt better than you ever did in that last year, and you thought that maybe, just maybe, you’d get to see your babies grow up into the wonderful adults you were sure they’d became, and you were going to be able to grow old with your Bruce. However, the disease had another idea, and after this almost miraculous recovery...you got worst than ever and were dead before the end of the week.

Cancer’s a bitch. 

In the span of a short little year, it had taken you to the grave, and left behind six broken men. Or rather, two men and four boys who would have to learn how to be men without you. 

Alfred Pennyworth. Since the very first day Bruce took you home, he considered you part of the family, going to the extent of telling you more than once that he loved you like a daughter. After all, you were the one that gave a little light to Bruce’s world at the time, and the only one able to deal with his shit every hours of the day, never giving up on him. Just because of that, he couldn’t do anything else but love you. Besides, you two had multiple taste in common, and you spent countless nights watching theater, playing chess, talking about anything and everything. You were one of his favorite people in the World. He loved the way you always spoke your mind, but were never mean or unfair. He loved how your smile and jokes could suddenly turn your sons and husband's frown upside down. He just loved your presence in general. Right before you died, you were playing a particularly suspenseful game of chess with him, and he couldn’t find the will to put it away, even though you were now gone since over a month...Every time he passed next to it, a game forever unfinished, he couldn’t hold his tears. Oh he missed you so dearly...

Richard Grayson. Dickie. Your eldest son. He remembered when he arrived in Wayne Manor and met you for the first time. You were so gentle, so nice and beautiful, that he wasn’t able to stop the smile shining on his face. You were the first to make him smile since his parents’ death, and you would continue to provoke such reactions in him. The day he asked you if it was ok to call you “mom”, and if his own mother would be mad at him if he did...You pulled him into the best hug he ever had. Comforting, loving, caring. A mother’s embrace. He knew from that day on you’d always get his back, and you always did indeed. When he learned that you were very sick, he acted like everything was OK. He kept smiling, laughing and making terrible jokes, for your sake. He knew you, he knew you couldn’t bear the thought of any of your loved one to be sad. So he kept a facade, and he did a great job doing so...He also took care of you, trying to return all those years you took care of him. Carrying you to your bed, just as you did for him. Attempting to cook your favorite meals, just like you did when he was sad. He gave you a compliment every day, just like you did to boost his confidence before he went to school. He was actually pretty sure that, if sometimes he was a bit cocky, it was because his mommy kept saying he was the best...You gave him one of the best advice once, telling him that to avoid feeling sad, at the end of each day, he should write what he was thankful for in a notebook. Your name appeared on it every time. On your funeral, he left all of his notebooks in your casket, and didn’t start another one for a long time. Writing those things made him think of you, and the memory of your death were just too recent. Now that you were gone, he didn’t had to keep a fake face...and every time he tried to write what he was thankful for, the paper just got soaked with his tears...

Jason Todd. Jay. When Bruce told you the story of that little boy who was trying to steal the wheels off of the batmobile, you were impressed. Kid had to be quite fearless to try and steal the Batman’s wheels...And when he came home with your husband, you knew he was special. He had a difficult life before (and after) becoming Robin, and many thing messed his mind up...Fortunately for him, he always thought, you had a talent to mend broken people. You never gave up on him, and he’d never stop loving you for that. No matter what, you always had time for him, and you were the only one threw his life that ever listened that much what he said. He could tell you anything. He told you everything. When he got hurt, mentally or physically, you were there. When he got into a fight with Bruce, you were there. When he thought he was worthless, you were there. When he died you visited him everyday, you were there. When he came back to life, you were there. When he started to kill, you were still there. Of course, you told him multiple time to stop his murderous vigilante ways, but...He was a stubborn guy. Even when he was a total ass to you though, you never left, you never told him to leave...You were just always there, his rock. He was sure he would have killed himself since a long time if you never had been part of his life. So when you got diagnosed with cancer, he was there for you. He wasn’t as good as Dick to hide how much pain he was in to see you like this...But he was there. He settled his differences with Bruce, they were talking again. He wanted to make you happy...He moved back in the mansion after your death, and made it his life goal to always be the shoulder his brothers, father, and loved butler could cry on, trying to follow your exemple as best he could. Hoping that, wherever you were, you were proud of him. He never touched a gun again. 

Timothy Drake. Timmy. The nine year old boy who knocked on your door and, without introducing himself, told you : “I know you’re Batman’s wife”. In your opinion, he was the smartest man in the whole world, and you often told him. You used to spent hours just the two of you, building robots and other machines, talking about things people could do to improve the world. With you, he never felt like he wasn’t good enough. He was always in Jason and Dick’s shadow...Except when with you. You gave him as much love and support you gave the others, if not a bit more, because you thought he didn’t have enough. You knew which words to say to make him feel better, wether he had a heartbreak, or was badly hurt because of his Red Robin activities. You taught him so much. About so many things. From computers and hacking to how to express his feelings better. From fighting techniques to how to bake the best cookies ever...In his eyes, you were the best person to ever walked this Earth. So much shit happened to you, and yet, you always stayed strong for them. For him. When he learned of your disease, he destroyed everything in his bedroom in a fit of rage and sadness...You came to him and took him in your arms for hours, not letting go until he felt a bit better. Just like his brothers, he tried to take care of you as best he could, to try and give back what you gave him...But there was so much you gave him, he was afraid you’d never know how much he was grateful, how much he loved you. You were always so supportive...You never mocked him for anything. Like when he told you he would love to be a singer...You encouraged him. And at your funerals, he sang a song he wrote for and about you when he was twelve. It was childish, a bit naive, pretty bad really...But it made everyone smile. 

Damian Wayne. Dami’. Though he was calling you “Oumi” (”mum” in arabic) only since a few short years, he loved you more than anything. You taught him how to love, and how it felt to be loved. Truly loved. Even at the beginning, when he acted like he hated you, you kept coming back to him. You kept asking how he was, baking him his favorite cakes and such...You were so annoying, he couldn’t resist you. He even went to the extent of playing stupid board games with you, watching Disney films and just spending time with you in general, enjoying your company above all. He made tons of effort to be a good boy when you were here. When you were around him, he felt his heart was a little bit lighter. You had the same effect on him than you had on his father. You just made them happier by your mere presence. You made them want to be better. Just for you. He just loved you. He’d never admit it though. Well, that wasn’t really true. When the news of your sickness slapped him in the face, there wasn’t a day without him telling or showing you how much he cared about you. Though his first action was to punch the doctor who said you didn’t had much to live in the face...During the time you were ill, the only way for him to fall asleep was if you ran your soothing hands threw his hair. He didn’t want to waste time by sleeping. He didn’t want you to go. Not now. Not so soon. He needed you so much. You knew it, and he knew it was killing you (figure of speech...) to see him like that, and so he tried to follow Dick’s model. To be honest, he often tried to follow Dick’s actions...And he did a pretty good job. He made sure that, before you died, you knew that he was going to be a good man thanks to you. At your funeral, he drew your favorite scene from your favorite Disney film, and laid it in your casket. He often came to see your grave, staying to talk to you. Once a month, he left a drawing of something you liked. 

And finally, Bruce Wayne. Your Bruce. The love of your life. You first met him at the police headquarters, right after his parents died. You were a bit younger than him, about 6 years old. You were there because your father, for reasons you never knew, murdered your mother and siblings before committing suicide, leaving you the sole survivor also for reasons you never knew. And that’s what drew you two together, both orphans, both witnessing their family’s death. Except that you never had an “Alfred”, and you grew up in the tough neighborhood that was “the Narrows”. You visited the Wayne mansion often though, and Bruce “secretly” helped you financially all threw your life. “Secretly”...you weren’t stupid, the sudden scholarship you had for prestigious universities and such, well, you knew they came from him. When you turned twenty, you became his. Twenty two, first kid. Thirty, got married...You two almost always been friends, and around each others. You had a similar tragic backstory, and yet, you were so much different than Bruce. For starter, you were often smiling. You always had the words to get him in a good mood. When he was being a total prick to you, you told him off, but you never left him. Not once. You were always at his side. You taught him how to feel again. You gave him a reason to live other than to protect Gotham. You always laughed saying that you were “the light in his darkness”, joking about how cheesy it was...but it was true. You were the light in his darkness, always bringing him back from the edge of that damn well in the worst of times. You were the love of his life...His world started to shatter the day he sat with you in that doctor’s office, and he understood your days were numbered. He did everything in his power to make the remnant of your life the best ever. He always took good care of you, even if sometimes he wasn’t there because of his work and nightly activities, he always came back to you at the end of the day...But during this year, he almost never left you. Your boys and him took a turn each night to watch over Gotham, and you saw him more than you ever did. He was always touching you in some way, trying to smile as much as he could...Doing his best, really, to make everything perfect. Until one day, his World shattered completely. You were his world. With you gone...He was at your side when you took your last breath, and tried to revive you for almost 6 hours non-stop. He couldn’t let you go, he couldn’t watch someone else he loved more than his own life die again. You couldn’t die like that. You were getting better...He buried you, digging the hole himself, next to his parents. Visiting you every day. He delved into his work, and into Batman more than ever, trying to forget his pain. But he couldn’t, he simply couldn’t, and more often than not, he found himself wanting to scream at the top of his lungs how it should have been him, not you. What did you ever do but bring happiness to the people around you ? You weren’t suppose to ever leave him, not so soon...Without you, things were bleak again. Dark. Sad. Violent. Every memories of you stinging his heart, every picture around the house making him want to go back in time and hold you in his arms again. He still had the reflex to reach for you on your side of the bed each morning...He forbid Alfred to wash the sheets, as long as your smell lingered around, he wouldn’t change them. The only things keeping him grounded anymore were your sons. In all of their actions, he saw a part of you, and he held onto that as hard as he could. He couldn’t let you go yet. Hell, he was lying to himself if he thought he could ever let you go...You were the love of his life. You would remain a burning hole in his heart, forever. 

You left six broken men behind you, and unfortunately, for the first time since you entered their life, you couldn’t help any of them getting better. You were gone. They’d never get better. 

***************

About three months after your death, Damian came down to the bat cave, a letter in his hand, and tears in his eyes. 

It was a letter from you, he found it while sorting some of your stuffs. And, unable to read it out loud, his throat too tight from sadness, he gave it to his father. Bruce took the piece of paper with shaky hands, and, in front of his sons and adopted father, he started reading it : 

“Hey guys, 

I just wanted to write a quick note, just in case I don’t find time to tell you before...Well. You know before what.  

I love all of you. So much. So much it hurts. And I wish I didn’t had to go...But I know that I do. Life is funny like that sometimes.

Alfred, thank you so much for taking care of me, for being the father I never had. When I’m gone, please, keep taking care of my babies...And of Bruce. Don’t let him burry himself in work. Don’t let him go back to his old ways, brooding and sulking all the time. And force him to eat solid food. 

Dickie, Jay, Timmy and Dami...I am so SO proud of you all. You’re the funniest, smartest, most amazing, loving, caring...and annoying people I know. I could add more words to describe how perfect you all are, but I fear I’ll run out of time...There’s so much thing to tell about all of you. When I’m gone, don’t give up. Stay strong. I know it’s easy for me to say that, because I won’t be the one suffering...And I know the feeling of loosing someone dear. But you have to keep going. Together. There’s no word in the English langage that can describe how much I love you. 

Bruce, my love, you can’t and don’t even imagine how happy you made me. I know you thought you didn’t deserve me, or that you weren’t doing enough...but believe me when I say you’ve never been nothing short of perfect. Your love made me strong, not the opposite. I will always love you, no matter what, and again, I lack words to tell you how much...But know this my love, and please believe me, since that first kiss we shared so many years ago, there hasn’t been a day in my life I regretted my decision. There hasn't been a day in my life I didn’t thank God or whoever is up there for putting you in my life. You’re truly the best man I know. Your parents would be more than proud. And when I’m gone, please, remember the good times we had, drown yourself in them, and don’t jump into that fucking dark well again. 

All of you, you’re a family, never forget it. Take care of each others, don’t leave anyone behind, or I’ll come back to haunt your asses...

I’ll see you again, promise

Love (understatement of the year), 

Your “Batmom” 

PS : my secret ingredient for my chocolat chip cookies is *unreadable scribbles*

PPS : I know it was you who paid for my years at university, Bruce. “

As Bruce raised his head to look at his beloved ones, tears unable to stay away, he softly smiled. You were the best, and you will always be. 

You left behind you six broken men who could never feel whole again without you, six broken men who were part of a puzzle where the best piece was missing...But they knew that if they stuck together, one day, not now, probably not before a very long time, they could stand tall and strong again. If they relied on each other, they could make it. Besides, you did promise you’d see them again some day...

The End  

[nickisallthat]

FACEBOOK BEST FRIEND CAPTIONS FOR PICTURES

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I’m at the point now where I don’t wish to excite any individual anymore. On the off chance that individuals like me the manner in which I am, incredible. On the off chance that they don’t, well it’s their misfortune. Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s clever. I comprehend I’m fortunate that I’m so charming. Other than gravity, nothing in life can keep up me down. You can’t contrast me with the following lady. Because of the way that there are no contenders. I am only exceptional, which’s veritable. They educated me I couldn’t that is the reason I did. I am that I am, your approval isn’t required. Shallow men depend on karma. Solid folks trust in the domino impact. For progress, Attitude is similarly as significant as Capability. Quiet is the absolute best input when you’re taking care of a pinhead. The frame of mind Captions for Selfie An outlook is an internal thought that shakes its departure. I never shed. It is possible that I win or I find. 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[mcdreamysslut]

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Nowadays everyone is amped up for web-based social networking like FB, Instagram, and furthermore Whatsapp. Individuals occupied with presenting their selfie pictures on social applications and furthermore interface with countless people. Various us are searching for perfect Caption for Facebook which characterizes their personality on a social profile like Facebook and Facebook Do you need to share your perspective and furthermore point of view alongside the photograph? In the event that obviously, at that point you should look for best subtitles for Facebook Without legitimate Caption, your image does not have importance. These days attitude inscriptions have come to be a mainstream design via web-based networking media destinations. Numerous individuals are searching for Caption on an online web index. At last, you have distributed a shocking photograph on Facebook however you don’t have disposition inscriptions to demonstrate your frame of mind towards the picture. This is the blog entry where you can discover 300+ best and furthermore cool Caption for Facebook. Both young men, just as young ladies, can utilize these Caption to uncover his/her outlook. Underneath we are sharing a gigantic gathering of perfect and furthermore incredible point of view Facebook Caption for young men just as women. I accept you appreciate this gathering. Mentality CAPTIONS FOR FACEBOOK Quit attempting to fix me, I am not harmed. I’m not unique. I’m a limited rendition. Try not to tail me, I’m lost. Inconceivable is my specific. You should be ‘ODD’ to be number 'ONE’. I have gotten to a factor in life where I feel it is not anymore required to endeavor and energize any individual. On the off chance that they like me the technique I am, great and in the event that they don’t, it’s their misfortune. You can’t spell striking without ME. My mark, My structure, My personality. I don’t review except if there is an extraordinary view. Loathing me doesn’t make you rather.

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I’m at the point now where I don’t wish to excite any individual anymore. On the off chance that individuals like me the manner in which I am, incredible. On the off chance that they don’t, well it’s their misfortune. Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s clever. I comprehend I’m fortunate that I’m so charming. Other than gravity, nothing in life can keep up me down. You can’t contrast me with the following lady. Because of the way that there are no contenders. I am only exceptional, which’s veritable. They educated me I couldn’t that is the reason I did. I am that I am, your approval isn’t required. Shallow men depend on karma. Solid folks trust in the domino impact. For progress, Attitude is similarly as significant as Capability. Quiet is the absolute best input when you’re taking care of a pinhead. The frame of mind Captions for Selfie An outlook is an internal thought that shakes its departure. I never shed. It is possible that I win or I find. You don’t care for my attitude? That is a punishment. It doesn’t care for you either. You’re not going to educate me that I am. I’m going to reveal to you that I am. Demeanor is a seemingly insignificant detail that makes an immense qualification. I’m not grumpy. I basically have a vicious response to senseless people. You can have OUTCOMES or JUSTIFICATIONS, not both. Not constantly 'Accessible’ … Attempt your good karma. I am a warm man with a cool demeanor. On the off chance that the mind considers an acceptable point of view one can do striking things. I’m only a climate you can’t find wherever else. I’m not the second alternative, you either pick me or lose me. Be a warrior, not a worrier. You can either accept me as I am or appreciate me as I leave. Legends don’t pass away … I am a living case! You couldn’t have overseen me likewise in the event that I accompanied directions. Assume what? Mythical serpents are innovative minds, or else I would positively consume every last one of you. I want I had 'Google’ in my brain and 'Antivirus’ in my heart. Be without anyone else, what else is far superior qualified? I’m smiling. This need to terrify you. Astounding Attitude Caption The style is a portrayal of your point of view just as your character. Like me, for that, I am and furthermore not for who you need me to be. Accept the only choice available. That basic. On the off chance that you trust I am BAD than you’re off-base, I am the most exceedingly terrible. Change 'In the long run’ into 'TODAY’. I really couldn’t care less about what you consider me. Except if you trust I’m exceptional. In that occasion, you’re altogether right. Continue! I was astounding till a worldwide temperature alteration made me hot. Try not to reveal to me what they expressed with respect to me. Reveal to me why they were open to guaranteeing to you. 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For somebody that affirms to detest my stomach related tracts, you sure think just as a discussion about me a lot. Exactly you should get a life and furthermore quit wasting time with mine? Inscription for Young Boys I’m simply responsible for what I guarantee aside from what you perceive … I shed by scaffolds so the enemy couldn’t tail me. I am the person who can give you stuns and furthermore stuns at the equivalent. Satisfaction relies on your frame of mind and furthermore disposition. Keep up your face towards the daylight, you will never observe the dimness. The main point surprisingly more dreadful than a young man who abhors you: a kid that preferences you Calm people have the most intense personalities. The mentality is a great deal like maternity. You can attempt to conceal everything you want, yet sooner or later, it will positively show up. A good frame of mind will realize the ideal outcomes. I hear them visiting despite my good faith, at any rate, there is a reason that they are behind me. I couldn’t care less about what you consider me! Except if you trust I’m great in which example, you’re perfect! Proceed … Lay an organization established with the blocks that hurl at you. Stunning closures with ME just as Awful starts with you. On the off chance that you don’t care for my point of view than you have issues with your determination. Good desires are the characteristic of the wonderful character. Victors center around winning, washouts focus on heroes Try not to tail him who attempts to keep away from you.! Guys are destined to succeed, not to miss the mark. At the point when life hurls a stone at you, toss back a block I don’t have a filthy personality, I have an appealing inventive creative mind. Subtitle for Girls Directly here we are sharing best viewpoint Caption for exquisite young ladies. Ladies, If you are searching for rich Caption for the Facebook point of view article, at that point beneath are a few decisions which you will pick. I’m a modest individual, truly. I’m in reality a lot more prominent than I trust I am. Viewpoint resembles a watch. Each watch uncovers unexpected time in comparison to different other and everyone accepts his watch is uncovering the opportune time. Try not to get my character and furthermore my frame of mind turned, since my character is me, just as my point of view relies on you! Change 'Inevitably’ directly into 'TODAY. At the point when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. No, I’m not feeling brutal, I’m feeling creative with weapons. Why pursue you when I’m the trick. Absence of certainty is multiple times much more viable than a positive point of view. Try not to change so people will like you. Be without anyone else just as the opportune people will appreciate the real you. I don’t have a demeanor issue, you have observation inconvenience. A male that is an ace of tirelessness is ace of everything else. My Life. My Regulations. and My Mindset. I haven’t changed. I developed. Perhaps you out it an attempt at some point. What extraordinary are wings without the nerve to fly? I can not change my character. I’ll generally smile, in any case, I’ll be increasingly focused. I am not best anyway I am a constrained adaptation. Quality isn’t expertise, it’s a mentality. My style is the thing that “I like” not what “Others like”. I may be fat, be that as it may, you’re revolting. Just as I can diminish weight! Fire is the examination of gold; hardship, of strong guys.

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Persuasive Mindset Captions. There can be no positive result through negative disposition. Accept positively. Live positively. I don’t have a mentality!! I have a character you can not deal with!! Can not confide in any individual nowadays fake is turning into the spic and span design. I sure am gorgeous. I can’t exist. This is one gorgeous person. I despise when people reveal to me I have really changed when they never under any circumstance likewise remembered me by any stretch of the imagination. Destined to share not to energize. I’m complimentary–I’m free, An’ I’m looking out for you to tail me. The even odder you are, the much increasingly agreeable you are. A specialist is just a customer wolf. My frame of mind relies upon the people before me! My perspectives may have modified, yet not the truth that I am correct. There is keen life on the planet, yet I’m simply visiting. I don’t consent to other people, I simply pursue my requests since I am my very own director. The uplifting news is I’m smiling. The terrible news is it’s the sort of grin that individuals should fear. Try not to reproduce, pick your own style. I’ve finally gotten something: What different people expect and state with respect to me is none of my administrations. Accept like a proton, constantly ideal. Choosing to be ideal and furthermore having a cheerful point of view is well on the way to set up exactly how you will carry on with your life. I am a satisfying beam of screwing daylight. Life: Besides gravity, nothing keeps up me down. Facebook Captions for Girls It generally appears to be outlandish until it’s finished. Simply incredible personalities can pay for a basic structure. I comprehend I am striking, so I uncertain with respect to your perspective. A 'positive point of view’ is totally one of the keys to progress. I find stamina enduring. I found your nose. It was all up in my association once more. If you don’t mind keep that thing on a shorter chain. The best delight in life is doing what people state you can shun doing. The mentality is everything, so select a great one! I am multi-gifted, I can talk and annoy you in the meantime. An ideal outlook changes I can’t and I won’t into I have and I WILL! Keep up a little flame consuming; regardless minor, in any case, covered up. Accept me as I am or consider me to be I go. Your frame of mind decides your heading. My frame of mind depends on precisely how you treat me. Consideration! Just great viewpoints admitted to this area. I am what is mine. Character is the first close to home property. I am that I am today a direct result of the alternative I made yesterday. Point of view isn’t what you gain from an organization, it has a place with your tendency from inside. Have a similar outlook as a male of activity, mirror a male of the idea. It is possible that you control your viewpoint or it controls you. Wonderful Captions for Facebook. I’m not hostile to design, be that as it may, I’ve always had a little a punk outlook. That is essential, I think. I do my own point. Positive anything is far superior to a negative nothing. The world harms everybody, and a short time later, some are solid in the harmed regions. I versus me has dependably been my most critical fight. It’s decent to be fundamental, however, it’s increasingly crucial to be pleasant. Be keen, yet never under any circumstance uncover it. On the off chance that you don’t manage your viewpoint, at that point, it will control you. I don’t require to depict myself because of the way that I remember I’m perfect. A mentality of inspirational desire is the characteristic of a surprising character. Troublesome occasions don’t last anyway hard people do, remember? I will positively either find a way or make one. My mentality depends on transit you treat me. Viable individuals never at any point mess with what others are doing. Life is about circumstances with a positive point of view. I endeavored to resemble you, my uniqueness didn’t care for it. The character is more prominent than astuteness. A brilliant soul will positively be solid to live just as think. Rely upon no Guy. Nervousness no bitch. Never under any circumstance twist your head. Hold it high. Look at the globe directly in the eye. I enable my haters to be my helpers. Try not to think about what may neglect to consider what can go right. Inspirational Caption for Facebook. I need I had 'Google’ in my brain and furthermore 'Antivirus’ in my heart. Grasping as well as can be expected to change an antagonistic strain into an ideal one. Bombing will absolutely never overwhelm me if my assurance to succeed is solid adequate. Quietness over disturbance! Try not to astound my distinction just as my mentality because of the way that my singularity is ME and furthermore my point of view depends on YOU. An expecting man can never persevere. When you crave surrendering, consider why you started. I don’t have poor penmanship, I have my own FONT STYLE. An inspirational frame of mind can really make wants work out as expected it accommodated me. I don’t have a mentality! … Simply a singularity that you can’t manage! Ain’t beneath to do incredible to you … trust you don’t get me to do terribly either! A can-do outlook is each of the one prerequisites. It emulates a scaffold between progress just as falling flat. An awesome person is solid since he is delicate. Train your cerebrum to see superb in all things. On the off chance that you trust I am BAD than you’re off-base, I am the most dreadful. No positive outcomes can emerge out of the absence of confidences. Continuously expect positive and furthermore to continually live positive. A solid inspirational disposition will unquestionably make a greater number of miracles than any wonder medicate. Espresso in one hand, trust in the other. It is a positive point of view towards life that gets wants going. You can never under any circumstance get Love … But still, you need to pay for it. Things won’t show signs of improvement except if you accept much better. The frame of mind issues. Try not to say: Nobody likes me … !!! Simply guarantee: There is no individual like me … !!! I had a blessed messenger, a lunatic and furthermore a beast inside me. The character has the ability to support, the ability to discourage, the ability to revile, and capacity to respect. A beam of screwing daylight. I probably won’t be the best, I may not be enjoyed by any sort of one yet I am me. That is the thing that makes me exceptional. Envy is much the same as just as abhor in the meantime. Make today so exceptional, a day or two ago gets desirous. Great data is I’m smiling. The terrible news is it’s the kind of grin that individuals need to fear. Preferable a diverting numb-skull over an insane mind. 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Being provocative is about the frame of mind, not physical make-up. It’s a perspective. This ruler needn’t bother with a lord. On the off chance that you can not draw in them with your charms simply repulse them with your frame of mind.