#my mental health was messed up already and I'm literally was wanting to off myself in periods of time and I was trying to distract myself f

[mysticalbirdkoala]

some of you (many) don't know how it's to flinch at sounds of even cars and panicking every time when sounds air raid signal and running to corridor it may or may not save you and somehow calming yourself only thanks to fucking distraction. you know. fandom can be one of this distraction.

[lesbianneopolitan]

Last night I innocently uploaded the pic of Neo and Ruby gaming on Twitter, but I got pretty much replied by people who were very much judgmental and passive-aggressive about being shocked, etc, etc (lots of them minors), lost some followers, etc

I am very affected by those situations because at some points it feels like harassment for something so stupid (I've seen wishes of death towards me before for old Fallen Petals stuff), no one ever takes the moment to even talk with me about it, nor try to understand the development and process that made me ship it in the first place- that it's actually a pretty innocent wish of building up a cool ship to have fun with my friends.

I have very bad anxiety from PTSD and I don't have access to meds rn, so things that get out of hand can really affect my mental and physical health, like, people don't keep in mind that the major part of the time, the people they accuse are people with problems like me, that are dealing with irl stuff or trauma and simply want to have some positive fun on the internet, to escape a bit from it all- art and writing has been a good coping mechanism for me to not practice self harm, and my therapist was actually proud of me for it, so I don't want that taken from me, specially when I'm mindful and tag things properly. And when honestly, discovering RWBY and messing around with some ships helped to make me happier. Because I think it was about time.

RubyNeo isn't even following all canon details, Ruby's more practiced and slightly older, and honest to God, I don't see what's wrong with building an AU with headcanons when we aren't doing it for the sake of, what?? only having them fuck?? or oversexualizing them?? the people that literally oversexualizes Ruby and only do lewds or only smash her against another character so they fuck is something that pushes me SO back because I personally find it disgusting (and if I'm in a mood I can have am anxiety attack for it, same for other dynamics, like incest, etc etc).

So for the love of everything, blacklist, block me or whatever, but understand the kind of person I am or the building for the things I do or the things I draw before I'm labeled as things I'm not. Because I'm sure you wouldn't want it to happen to you.

Treat me like a person, not like some kind of idealized artist that has to be perfect.

Show some empathy, try to be understanding, not everyone that ships 'x' is going to be a super evil person that did it with the most malicious intent in the world. Sometimes we're simply playing with them like they're Barbies, to create stories, angst, wholesome moments, independent timelines, etc.

Like I mentioned I myself deal with PTSD, there are so many things that despite being presented in good faith could throw me off the edge because of triggers, but I simply take care of myself and tag stuff, I blacklist and in the worst case I block, specially if someone is specially harmful and toxic to real people.

So please, just, let me be, I'm just a nerd trying to live life alongside friends to be as happy as I can because I've had enough abuse already.

Be kinder unless the person in question is GENUINELY harming real people and are potential real creeps, please, I'm tired.

[confessions-official]

idk what is wrong w me to make people so uncomfortable and unsettled in my presence idk. even people who are "nice" to me i can tell feel pity although i do appreciate that bc i don't want to be alone all the time. i can't count how many lighthearted comments of mine get weird looks or get straight up ignored when i know 100% for sure that i didn't say anything weird or off topic. i can feel myself speak weirder and worse and seem dumber every day but it's bc so much social rejection has made me nervous again. i don't know man i really don't know anymore. i'm just a random woman, i'm conventionally attractive, or like, not "ugly" , so i know it's not that, i dress fairly normally so i know it's just something in the way i speak or move that unsettles people since i was born. i think i am probably autistic or have some other neurodivergency but trying to get diagnosed would probably just stress me out more (and my body is already breaking down from stress at 25). like pretty much i've been getting treated differently and called a freak my whole life but suddenly when it comes to mental health noo you're perfectly normal. just some anxiety/depression. well meds did not help and only made me worse and messed up my hormones so i had to go off them anyway. so there's clearly something else wrong w me that no shrink i've been to bothers to even wonder. and i'm too tired atp to keep trying. psychiatrists really don't gaf as long as you can keep working 9 to 5, being "useful" to someone and feeding yourself even if barely. it doesn't matter if you are literally miserable because you feel like no human being understands you and you speak a different language from everyone else.

 

[hypergamiss]

A co worker of mine told me a story about her friend who was chewed up and spit out by this European woman who just wanted American citizenship. They dated for 3 years, he bought a house for her, planned a wedding in less than a month, and in 3 weeks she had him served at his job with divorce papers. I guess, he's not taking it well at all. He's a 40 year old veteran who already had a messed up psyche from ptsd and what she did to him was the icing on the cake. My co worker said that he disappeared after she humiliated him and he's been hard to keep track of since then.

The gold digger in me is in awe of that woman's savagery but at the same time I low-key feel bad for him because she used the hell out of him. I'm really on the fence about it and I've been asking myself if I have the balls to pull off such an elaborate stunt and destroy someone's mental health and reputation like that. This woman is now making like $300k a year and had time to make up this whole plan while she was working on her advanced degree. She didn't even have the decency to leave town afterwards, she just bought a different house and he decided to move because he was so bothered by her proximity lol. She won the IDGAF wars for real lol.

Honestly, men do much much worse to women all the time and I admire her for putting her feelings aside and going after what she wanted. I've always struggled with not getting caught up in the emotions of my relationships with men and end up losing sight of why I even started entertaining them in the first place. I feel like if I learn to be this level of calloused and cold, then I will it pay off ten fold. what do you think?

Girl, omg. I have several thoughts about this.

I don’t know what she looks like, but I’m willing to bet she’s very attractive and confident. Probably the type to max out her looks. Sometimes I think a man can avoid this by being realistic and dating at his level. But no, some of them will value looks over everything and that’s the trend I see with “passport bros.” They pass up perfectly amazing women because they don’t take into account personality and then end up resenting the person they chose.

I don’t think I could pull that off and be that cold to a man unless I knew for a fact he wasn’t a good person. I’ve never had to pull elaborate stunts like that one but I’ve had my fair share of leveling the playing field. Most of us don't have that ice-queen persona ready to go. Maybe there's more to her story, or he REALLY messed up to spark that level of revenge.

I do agree men tend to do much worse and for once she came out on top in this situation, she never let go of her ambition and goals. I don’t necessarily think you have to be “cold” to get good outcomes in your relationships. I think it’s more about being emotionally “strong” to keep your boundaries in place and not taking men so seriously until they’ve shown you that they lead with their actions, not words. So many times I hear women say something along the lines of “he said he’s going to buy me a house, he said he’s getting me a ring, he said he’s going to do this and that, etc” and actually believe a man based on just his words. Sometimes they even decide to give a man a child just because he said he would do a million things without having done a single one yet. Words are just, literally WORDS. I can look into your eyes and tell you that you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on without ever actually meaning any of it.

I suggest gatekeeping your time and energy until men follow through with everything they say they will do, including treating you right. When they act right, you slowly give them more access to you. If they don’t follow through with their actions, you start to pull away. That’s it. My favorite is when they don’t even speak about what they’re going to do, they just literally do it by surprise and sweep you off your feet.

[wild-wombytch]

Their credit card code ???? That's a recipe for disaster ToT

Hi, anon, thank you for dropping by, I hope you had a nice weekend and are having a nice day 🌻✨

Unfortunately, yes, you read that right 💀

My mother really screams inside when she sees that, and it's multiple times a week, if not multiple times per days sometimes...

The disasters are already happening, but I kinda hope it gives these parents a reality check :

(for the Independent article below, the dad says he doesn't know whether he should be mad or laugh...moids will be moids, no matter the age, I guess)

(of course the parents blame FB rather than their own parenting. Like FB obviously needs to die but these specific events wouldn't have happened if the parents actually watched their kids and didn't give them access to credit cards' functioning)

...So yeah, some people really don't think about the logical consequences of things, as long as it keeps their kids busy and not crying or screaming or running rather than... you know...actually parenting them, playing with them, giving them plushies, going outdoor with them...etc I can't say I'm surprised, when the French gov literally had to make an ad for this specific kind of parents to stop posting pictures of theirs kids online and then making Pikatchu faces when they learn it's spread and sold in ped0 communities for some males to jerk off on the beach day where little Emily is in swimwear...

...tbh I don't get why so many people have kids if they hate spending time with them so much. Or more exactly, I guess they do so because The Straight Must Have Babies™ like they "must" have a big dumb house that leave them indebted and a big dumb car that gives them even more debts and a dog and must have a depressive breakdown after 8y of vety unhappy life together like it's no big deal because it's heterosexual culture and idea of success and fulfilled life and nobody questions it. And that's just one of the many criticisms I'd have about parents these days, because sometimes (often) I see things that make me want to nuke them and then myself.

For real, these neglected kids will grow up even more messed up than the average Tumblr population did. Then they'll vote. And will be our nurses when we'll be old. And they'll struggle a lot with empathy and resources saving with the climate crisis.

Anyway, that's bright mood Sunday for me apparently lmaooo Hope I didn't make you lose faith in humanity. It just sucks that I notice parents who raise their kids well and interact with them more than shitty to downright abusive parents when I go outside. But then again, Brittany might be an advanced case, because we're dealing with cultural traumas that created issues with alcoholism, violence, mental health issues, weird distance between kids and their parents, and so on.

[firesighgirl]

I CAN'T BELIEVE I FINALLY WORKED UP THE COURAGE TO READ THIS MASTERPIECE!?!?!??!?! it only took me a little bit over a year to come around and take the leap of faith😅 and djjdkdkdlflkfkfnfmf what a Rollercoaster!!!

OK first of all, every single man in this story is sus. All of them. And let me start with yoongi. I believe he hides more than the illegal stuff he's been doing and I can't believe he came around to like jk this easily after all the things that happened. Sus guy number 1.

I'm not sure about seokjin and his ulterior motives, but I definitely do not fuck with his wife and not only because she's his wife. She seems weird and maybe manipulative? Idk she's only been around for one chapter but still, her vibes are off. Jimin tho!!! My poor baby!!! My heart ached when he appeared in ch10 BC WHAT THE FUCK I WILL THROW HANDS he didn't deserve this!!! And he still came to warn oc??? That guy is too good for his own safety😫

SORA THE OG ENEMY OF THIS STORY!!!! Bc I am nosy and can't stop myself, i had already read the asks and theories when yus was answering them so I already knew about her involvement with the black suvs😵she appeared as a background character at first but THAT BITCH she's evil!!! And her relationship with jk is so toxic!!!!! The only thing connecting them is their need for survival. And money. Yikes.

Now on to my fav BONEHEADS. Let's start with tae, bc what the fuck was that in ch10??? He gave me the icks he acted so cold and awful towards oc, practically erasing all of the progress he had made by opening up to her. He has some serious trust issues he needs to work on and that back and forth in his progress is tiring. And I'm being really gentle with him bc I AM ROOTING FOR YOU KIM TAEHUYNG!!! FOR THE PAST YEAR!!! BEFORE EVEN READING A SINGLE LINE OF THE STORY!!! I'VE PIT MY FAITH IN YOU JACKASS!!!🩴🗣

Now jeok jungkook,,, BIG YIKES. Him and oc could have been everything. But things don't work the way we want them, don't they? They are not the same people they used to be when they were 19. I understand his anger when he went through hell and high water to find oc again only to see her cosing up with another man (my fav man of the story tbh, even tho he was the reason of oc's addiction, long live weed king jung hoseok) and with a baby??? But that doesn't justify the way he spoke to her. Or acted right before he made his presence known to her after all these years. He's a walking talking breathing🚩🚩🚩and I can't forgive him. Blame my serious daddy issues with my own father, but I can't easily forgive him. I appreciate him trying to be a better father BUT COME ON he verbally abused oc, slutshamed her, literally TRIED TO CHOKE HER and he interfered with her personal life way too many times. Namjoon is right, he needs to stay away form junho.

Now my main girl oc (can I get a hell yeah from all the people believing that she's pregnant with tae's baby bc I am with my fist up in the air howling),,, I get it girl! Jk is a hot piece of ass and the adrenaline had her acting up and sleeping with him (☹😤😶) only to find out that once again he went behind her back and did sneaky things. ouch.

Anyways I am team hie tae till the end (apart from his shitty attitude in ch10 I believe he's a decent guy and he truly cares about oc, even tho he sometimes relies too much on her for his mental health imo) and I hope they all get out of this mess with the least amount of casualties.

hell is empty - JJK, KTH

life has a tendency to throw things your way when you least expect it, when you’re content, and the ominous presence knows exactly how to steer your existence back into the darkness.

᯽ pairing — drug lord!jungkook x reader, hotel owner!taehyung x reader

᯽ genre — heavy angst, smut, fluff

᯽ word count — 164.4K

᯽ warnings/tags — love triangle au, single parent!reader, dad!JK, ex-boyfriend!JK, CEO!taehyung, strong language, explicit smut, drug use, mentions of violence & blood, harassment, mentions of stalking, toxic relationships, mentions of drowning, happy ending, (will update)

᯽ vibes — the neighbourhood

᯽ updates — every Monday (unless stated otherwise) DO NOT ask about updates. check under the tag #update: hie.

꒰ playlist🎵 yoongi’s visuals ∞ taehyung’s visuals ✦ jungkook’s visuals ★ sora’s visuals ☢︎︎ hie jimin’s visuals ☾ oc’s style ♡ ꒱

→ bits of heaven: drabbles

→ hie: drabbles/asks

tags: #fic: hie #hie: theories #hie: memes #anti sora club #ttmc: hie

ongoing

part 01 - 10K . THE FIRST NIGHT

↳ a small escape from the stress leads you into the arms of a stranger with lots of stories to tell, stories that involve endless touches and caresses, however, the plans you’ve made to never see him again is forgotten; that stranger is your new boss.

༄moodboard ‍ ▹ ─ you get me so high by the nbhd

part 02 - 10K . DON’T LOOK

↳ the story of your life is not something you’d like to share, but he finds out eventually and you’re surprised by his reaction, however, an old friend makes a special appearance.

༄moodboard ‍ ▹ ─ nervous by the nbhd

ꕤ flashback drabble — fast forward ꕤ

‍ ▹ ─ reflections by the nbhd

part 03 - 6.8K . BABY CAME HOME

↳ you aren’t thrilled to see your old friend, like he’d hoped you would be, and you show him exactly why he is unwelcome in your son’s life, however, he isn’t too happy after he hears the stories that you’ve gathered in his absence.

༄moodboard ‍ ▹ ─ baby came home 2/valentines by the nbhd

part 04 - 5.8K . ONLY TOUCHED YOU ONCE

↳ faded white scars seem to split open, but he’s there to stitch them up again. can you withstand each twist of the knife?

‍ ▹ ─ void by the nbhd

part 04.2 - 8K . FEEL THE RUSH

↳ you’ve accepted that the scars will always remain, a little dimmer than before, but are you willing to forget with his help?

༄moodboard ‍ ▹ ─ void by the nbhd

📞 with oc + yoongi

part 05 - 9.8K . LURK #smileysixth

↳ Junho’s birthday party or the perfect cover for illicit affairs?

༄moodboard ‍ ▹ ─ lurk by the nbhd

part 06 - 5K . CRY BABY

↳ you decide that you’re tired of the constant back and forth, there are some things you need to know.

‍ ▹ ─ cry baby by the nbhd

『read this far & still rooting for jk + oc? read this』

part 06.2 - 8.9K . SWEATER WEATHER

↳ a newfound fire begins to sizzle, where the flames from your past now simmer.

‍ ▹ ─ sweater weather by the nbhd

📞 with oc + taehyung (jk + oc)

part 07 - 12.8K . THE BEACH #hie: thebeach

↳ the fire reignites, only to be put out again — and repeat — you have reached an impasse.

༄moodboard ‍ ▹ ─ the beach by the nbhd

part 08 - 6.7K . YOUR NAME IN THE RAIN

↳ guilt welcomes you like an old friend.

▹ ─ daddy issues by the nbhd

ꕤ flashback drabble — rewind ꕤ

‍ ▹ ─ dark red by steve lacy

part 09 - 11.1K . SHARING MY HEAD-HEART

↳ conversation, confrontation and…crying.

▹ ─ softcore by the nbhd

part 09.2 - 6.5K . CROSS YOUR MIND

↳ conversation, confrontation and…crying continued.

▹ ─ #icanteven by the nbhd

part 09.3 - 8.7K . SADDERDAZE

↳ more conversation, confrontation and…crying.

▹ ─ sadderdaze by the nbhd

part 10 - 22.8K . PREY #hie: thedinner

↳ the path is free of flames, all you need to do is allow yourself to take that first step.

༄moodboard ‍ ▹ ─ prey by the nbhd

part 11 . WIPED OUT

↳ again and again and again, you’re done holding out the flame.

▹ ─ wiped out! by the nbhd

part 12 . I SEE MYSELF IN YOU

༄moodboard ‍ ▹ ─ ?

epilogue

➶ read the sequel ‘heaven’s illusion’ [info]

【 faq 】

when is the next update?

❝every monday, unless i make an announcement stating otherwise. so look out for those :)❞

will hie have alternate endings, choose the ending option?

❝no, hie will only have one, final ending that has been written by me.❞

can i request for hie?

❝not taking requests for hie at the moment !!❞

can i send in theories for hie?

❝of course !! i love hearing them as long as they’re fair towards all the characters. except sora.❞

PLEASE REMEMBER TO BE RESPECTFUL TOWARDS ME & OTHER READERS. let’s keep it fun 🤩

❤️‍🔥taglist ✩ masterlist

© aquagustd 2021-2022

[sleeplessinpnw]

My body hurts. I hate being schizophrenic. I remember when my life was clear and I was healthy. I was social, I would go out with friends all the time, I had a better reputation, I was NoRmAL....

I've been having a hard time with my body. My head is a disaster. I'm on so many meds and have been now for close to a year. They've changed my life around. But they wont be able to undo the weird stuff I was getting into when I was completely off the deep end. I've made it through so many challenges this year. I've battled being lonely and depressed every single day since last August. I completely went coo coo for coco puffs and was so public about it on my social media where I had over 700 followers. I was saying some pretty weird stuff. I freaked some people out and got annoying to others.... that's for sure. I made a fool of myself and am afraid to go to places I use to go frequently. I fell into such a deep depressed state while hearing voices and destroyed so much of my personal possessions. I miss all of my rave clothes!! I fell into this belief that going to raves ruined my life but it was just my mental health. But that's the community that saw a lot of my posts and unhealthy behavior and ever since my birthday last year I literally sabotaged all of my going out clothing and rave wigs/bodysuits/jewlery/etc because I thought it would make me feel better. Fuck it. When I did it, I was WASTED and on cough Nyquil. I was a wreck. My birthday is i a week and I'm in a better place but I miss my fucking things. And I have no money to replace any of it. Nore am I even going to edm shows and festivals at the moment. I destroyed a really fun and pretty part of me. I use to be so skinny and sparkley and fun. What happened to me!? Will I ever make a come back?? Who knows.... WHY AM I EVEN GOING OFF ABOUT THIS!? Ugh.

It's late and I need to be up in the morning but I'm wide awake and writing my feelings is all I want to do.

I have no hobbies. I feel like I'm never going to have a fucking relationship with a cute boy. I feel like a loser, that's for sure. I don't do anything when I'm home alone. I hardly ever feel like listening to music or watching tv. Is it my depression?? Fuck it. UGH!! And all I do these days is just wait for my mom to get home so I can kick it with her. But now she has a boyfriend and she spends all her time with him. I like him though. I'm not mad at him or anything, I just miss having more alone time with my mom. All she does is talk about him and her co workers anyways. It's draining but I tolerate it because she's in a happier place compared to last year. When I was a hot mess.

Will I ever find a job that pays well that isn't food industry? I'm going to start applying for new jobs after St. Croix. My mom and I are super broke so.... Idk what that trip is going to be like and I already am preparing myself for my mom talking about how broke we are when the trip is over. Oh, AND my car needs a new battery UGHHHH Car stuff always happens at the worst time possible. Anyway, back to the job situation. I just feel like I wasn't mentally stable enough to have any job for awhile. Then being unemployed for so long instigated more of my depression to amplify. And now.... I have a shitty resume and I don't want to be a server but I have No IdEa what's ever out there for me..... that will even pay more than minimum wage. I have friends who have steady jobs. I literally like.... never see Tara anymore and Kayla has been going through stuff and hasn't been hanging out as much. But I don't even have money to do anything anyways. I keep thinking about Nichelle and Sarah which is sad LOL. Like.... I feel like a failure compared to all of these people and I want to be successful in something. But WHAT!?! I still am technically employed with Sol.... Buut lets be real, I hated it anyway and need a more steady job that isn't just folding clothes for 8 hours a day. Maybe I should apply for UPS.... I've head they are good to work for. UGH. I'm gonna try and go to bed now. Mr. Man wont get out of my lap and I have to be at Randy's tomorrow at 10 which means I gotta wake up around 8:30. So..... until next time!

[thewaywardbruja]

~ Thoughts In My Head ~

So I've got a lot going on in my head, none of it is particularly good, but I just wanted to type it out here because I need to get it out somehow.

I'm struggling a bit, with my mental health, this week, is a hard week for me, and I just dont know how to express how I'm feeling aside from crying.

Friday, marks - One Year since my Grandma was taken from me, and I know its only Monday, but I'm already counting down the days, I'm dreading it. We're away thankfully, at a car show but it doesnt make it any easier. I'm really struggling with my grief, and trying to hold it together.

I've also come down with something / my body is fighting something off, and I am the most tired, and exhausted I have ever been in my life and hardly have the strength to do anything. I have to keep forcing myself to do stuff, and then just want to sleep afterwards, its doing my head in literally. I dont feel like myself and the brain fog is really starting to get to me.

Its so bad that I ran my car into a brick wall two days ago, and I would never do that normally. Work has been extremely difficult, and standing in one place, and doing the same thing over, and over is just really starting to grind away at me. I've been thinking, and looking for another job, something different, and there just isnt anything around where we live.

I'm currently waiting for the results of my Lvl 1 Math test, hoping beyond hope that I managed to pass, but I doubt I did, I struggled so much with it, and the first time wasnt much better.

So, that means I'll be in another Lvl 1 class, for another 12 weeks, and ugh. My English GCSE's are coming up rapidly as well and I have no idea how I'm going to do on those either. I just know if I fail that as well, then I dont know what I'll do but the prospect of me joining the police this year is slowly slipping out of my fingers.

I mean my Leave to Remain Visa getting approved was good news, but its just been so over-shadowed by the anniversary coming up and me being sick that I havent really had much time to let it sink in and celebrate.

I hope soon I will start to feel better, and things will turn around but I'm not holding out much hope.

--

In other news, my witchcraft is taking off, I've had so many wonderful experiences - which have mostly been uploaded to my tiktok, that I am feeling so blessed and just wonderful about where my practice is taking me.

I found out that what was a Crow spirit, was actually Fenrir trying to communicate with me, and after using divination to talk to him, it felt wonderful to know that I now have two wolves at my side <3

I'm taking - this whole thing with Fenrir really slowly, and just letting it happen in its own time. He still makes me nervous. I asked him if we could have a spirit guide relationship - because I promised myself I would never bow down to no God again, ever - a long time ago. He said "Yes" <3 That made me feel a lot better as well.

White and I have been getting closer, and our bond has been getting stronger. After my amazing and wonderful reading I had the other day, I just feel so great, and liberated about everything I have been experiencing and feeling. <3

I cant wait to see what the future holds for me within Witchcraft. Its been so amazing, so far.

Friday marks one year since I found my path, and my practice and I wouldnt change it for anything <3 Its been such an amazing journey thus far <3 I have made so many amazing friends within the Witchcraft community as well, Jade, Sapphire, Josephine, ShyTyger (Char), Shay, Aphrodite, Jasmine, Naamah - just to name a few <3 You guys all rock and are so amazing, and I am so blessed to have you all in my life <3

So yeah. I dunno, just got a lot on my mind, and trying to make sense of all of it. I blame whatever is making my brain so foggy, its messing with my emotions and making me depressed as hell too. Yay Depression.

Hopefully things will start to get better, I'm trying to be an optimist about this... ( Bastille Joke... hah )

So yeah, I'll see you around <3

[loser-brain]

Very long Vent

I hate the fact I cannot focus on what is important to me such as transportation. I cannot drive due to my mental health. I will have a panic attack and become overwhelmed thanks to my mother putting trauma in me when I was driving.

I already made a vent post about that went in-depth about it too. So, changing the course of the story here is another reasoning on why I won't fix an old bike in my garage.

I'm 4'11 and I'm very short. We have a child bike (a childhood bike) and an adult bike (way too tall for me to ride). I want to fix that child's bike (literally need a change of wheels) but the reason why I can't is because my dad won't let me really not really work on the bike.

It's confusing I know. I'm also confused as well. I even express that I want to fix a bike in our garage because 1, I can ride it and 2, so that way I can also have the ability to ACTUALLY LEAVE THE HOUSE FOR ONCE.

Everyone in the house always complains about me not leaving the house... Well yeah, I have no way of transportation. And even when I do make plans such as I want to buy something for either my dogs or a project for myself. I'm always told that everyone is free and can drive me. Like I am told, constantly that no one has a schedule or plan. They are free and can drive me where I want...

I ask hey I want to go to blank and blank. They always respond. I'm busy, we have plans, I don't want to drive you, maybe another time, not today, and so on.

So back to the bike. That is my reasoning, I get told whatever. It's frustrating. I want to fix the bike I said Just buy a new bike they said How much does a new bike cost I asked A lot of money that you don't have they answer Okay so back to my idea let me fix the old bike I responded you should just buy a new bike they sternly spoke but you said it's expensive I retorted You wanted to buy an electric bike right? They asked Yeah, why? I answered with a question Then get a driver's license so you can have that bike they spoke no, I can't drive I'll have a panic attack and freeze up and become a hazard or a dangerous driver I spoke back in anger

and here's the kicker that really pisses me off

whatever. They spoke. Ending the conversation.

If I were to somehow get my driver's license, they will buy me an electric bike. That's the deal since their argument is that an electric bike is similar to a motorcycle.

I just... want a way for me to ride my bike to my dog's vet with ease and even be able to go to my downtown and possibly sell in-person art. BUT NO I CAN'T BECAUSE MY MOTHER SAYS THAT'S DANGEROUS! MY FATHER SAID JUST GET A DRIVER'S LICENSE.

it's frustrating when I come up with a solution to my long-term problem and only be told no. or stop. or do something else. it's frustrating that I can't drive and it's frustrating that I can't work on the bike.

Not because I'm getting mixed signals but more because I can't reach the bike... it's hanging from the ceiling and my dad won't get it for me because he doesn't want me to work on the bike.

Like, I would become so much healthier riding a bike around, and possibly it might even boost my confidence instead of being called lazy for not doing anything even though I do clean the house and take care of my dogs.

My mother is so toxic. For some reason, if she comes home and sees my sis and I on the couch, she just assumes we're lazy. Even though she comes home at 4pm and we (mostly I) wake up at 9am. You know what I can get done in that amount of time before she comes home.

Chores such as vacuuming, cleaning the windows and the bathroom, taking the dogs outside, clean their crate and their mess outside of the crate. Heck, if I am very bored I will sweep the patio. I'll mop the floors too if the dogs actually behave and not track their wet paws in the house (I'll have to dry their paws or just wait for their paws to dry on their own. I prefer to wait since they are messy drinkers as well).

My mother is sadly old-fashioned, in other words, she doesn't know that abuse can come in different forms. When you say abuse she will assume physical. Mental abuse, Verbal abuse, physiological abuse, and other types... Yeah, that doesn't exist to her. When I say old-fashioned, I mean she just doesn’t know, even when you try to explain to her about abuse coming in different forms... She'll call me insane or not right in the head.

Saying because of the internet I have become delusional... and stupid. She doesn't understand mental health either. So when you tell her about depression. She just thinks you're sad and eating ice cream. Crying and stressing out of your mind thinking it's the end of the world for you like a breakup... She even told me when she wanted me to work and I respond I'll need to be on antidepressants then because I cannot work in an environment like that.

Her response to me saying that... I also have depression too. I also get sad but you don't see me needing antidepressants.

...

My mother hasn't even been diagnosed by a behavioral psychologist. MEANWHILE, I HAVE. THIS IS THE SAME WOMAN THAT DOESN'T BELIEVE IN MENTAL HEALTH AND NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE TOO HAS MENTAL HEALTH!?

MOM! ANTIDEPRESSANTS AREN'T JUST FOR DEPRESSION! I HAVE MAJOR ANXIETY I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME HANDLE PEOPLE INTERACTION.

I have a phobia of being in large areas fill/crowded with people. I just can't handle that at all. At my last job, I got overwhelmed to the point that I stop paying attention to my job. Which was bad!

It just got way too much and way too loud for me that I ended up looking around and not at my machine. That's really reckless because these are our client orders that I am possibly ruining by not paying attention.

So ye, I love my mother btw, but it's just... so exhausting having to deal with her and my dad (mostly her). I love my parents and they just want what is best for me like getting my driver's license. That would make my life so much easier and not just transportation-wise but just for everything-wise. But sadly, they stop taking me seriously now when it comes to my mental health.

It's sad to hear I know blah blah blah. I'm gonna work on the bike tomorrow whether they like it or not... If I can reach it, if not, then I'll cry :'|

[undeadorion-archive]

My usual tactic for this sort of nonsense is to just go about my life. I'm not going to play their little game and wait desperately for them to pay attention to me. I'm not going to whimper and beg at their feet for scraps of attention until they decide I've redeemed myself.

I'll never forget the first time I learned to not play the game. I'd gotten into an argument with a now former friend. They'd been treating me like dog shit for a while. Very much "we can be friends in private, but let's keep public interactions to a minimum" type, without actually saying as much. At the time, I struggled to put it into words, but after a serious event I had to try and explain it. I was trying desperately to explain that I was being treated way differently than other people that were part of the same group. I just wanted to part of that. But they kept pushing me to be more specific until I said something they could twist. And I walked right into that trap. I mentioned the fact that they were always drawing stuff for the other people in the group but never did the same for me. Which, of course, became an accusation of me using them for free art.

Eventually, they just stopped responding. I was an emotional mess. I waited for a response for over an hour. Dead silence. Eventually I asked them to say literally anything. They told me I was being "impatient." And they "needed time to think" in a way that implied I should have known that already.

That was like a ticking time bomb, planted deep in my mind. Impatience would have been immediately demanding a response. Maybe even after 10 minutes. But this had been over an hour, pushing two. They could have easily just said "I need time to think" or "Let's talk about this tomorrow" instead of going silent.

The next day I watched for them to say something. But that word "impatient" kept echoing in my head. The cognitive dissonance of having waited so long yet still being called impatient, versus trusting my friends word that I'd been too demanding.

Eventually my newfound conviction kicked in. They'd twisted my words and tried to shut me out over something I never said. So let them have their "time to think." I decided that if they came back within a few days, even a full week, maybe we could work things through. Two weeks, we'd need to have a serious talk. And with each week that passed I had to move that marker of how receptive I would be if they came back. Until there wasn't anywhere left to go.

After more than a month of silence, I moved on. I wasn't going to sit by the computer desperately waiting for a response from someone who just wanted to punish me. I'd gone through all the stages of grief in that time, and had finally landed at acceptance. This person had pulled the silent treatment on me more times than I could count. Any time they got upset at something I was even tangentially connected to, they'd shut me out. Never actually telling me what was wrong, just leaving me in silence. And I was fed up with it.

I thought I'd never get any closure from just walking away from that. Until six goddamn months after that conversation. A message popped up on Tumblr. "I'm read to talk." I'm pretty sure they expected me to be a desperate wreck, eager to appease whatever crumbs they would give me after such a long absence. But I'd long since moved on. So I just said "We don't have anything left to talk about." And left it at that.

That was back in 2019. They've tried to contact me a few times since then. And every time I've told them to just fuck off already. Ever since then, I've learned to simply not tolerate that sort of behavior. If someone is prone to that sort of bullshit, we'll never be compatible friends. And not tolerating bullshit like that has done wonders for my mental health.

I've finally recovered emotionally and mentally that I have no patience for people who pull the silent treatment. I don't mean outright telling someone to leave you alone for a while. I mean shutting off contact without saying anything, without even telling the other person what they did wrong.

It used to be the most effective thing to use against me, because I was such a people pleaser that I would do almost anything to get them to talk to me again. I realize now that it's pure manipulation. A cousin to "you know what you did." Losing contact with someone when I had so few friends was devastating. But not anymore.

Either tell me what I did, directly, or come to terms with it on your own. I'm not in your head. I'm not psychic. And I refuse to play guessing games. I refuse to be around people who pull that nonsense. Heck, I refuse to put up with anyone who uses manipulation tactics of any kind. And my life has changed for the better so much that it looks nothing like it used to.

Never trust people who resort straight to punishment for any perceived slight against them. Hold on to people who will be direct and honest, telling you when they didn't like something you did. Hold on to people who give you a chance to fix things. Or to explain a misunderstanding. Because anyone who doesn't allow for that is an asshole.

[vicsdeangelis]

i think i made a decision

this is probably gonna be long and boring to literally everyone, so if you only want to know if i'm gonna delete or not, i'm gonna save you some time: no, i won't

now, to the long post

first, i wanna talk about my mental health, which i have been very openly struggling with for some time now. the thing is, i was on a medication that was actually making my depression worse, and that medication was also causing me the allergies that were making me feel so bad about myself. i'm off of them now, have been for a week, maybe, and i already feel like i'm doing better. therapy is also helping. i really like my therapist, and the sessions don't feel suffocating, like someone only waiting for me to word vomit all of my issues. we actually have conversations, it's not a one sided thing, and she's been helping me make some progress with my home life, which is the biggest external problem i'm having at the moment

now, to måneskin. so, the other day i listened to a podcast (you're wrong about, the "yoko ono broke up the beatles" episode, if you're interested), and it made me reexamine my relationship to the band. truth is, they're changing, and i don't like it. i really don't like it. from the music itself, to acting like they're instagram influencers instead of an actual band with actual talent, i just don't like it. and honestly, that's fine. the thing i have to come to terms with, and i'm really trying to for my own sake more than anything else, is that those are not my decisions to make. and that's also fine. i have to be okay with it, because the alternative only hurts me. i think i've been spiralling since they stayed in LA for those few months because i was too emotionally invested in them. like, i was borderline emotionally dependent on them, and that's so fucking unhealthy and also so unfair to everyone involved. they didn't sign up to cater to me, and it's really unfair of me to, i don't know, expect them to, expect them to keep me afloat when i'm the one who should be responsible for myself and my mental health, not them. i fully realize that now, and i'm working on it. i'm not saying i'm never gonna criticize them or voice my opinions on new songs, but i do need to chill with the emotional side of it.

and finally, the blog. like i said at the very beginning, i'm not gonna delete. but i don't think i'm gonna be as active here as i used to be, at least for now. i decided to keep it mainly for archival purposes, so my gifs and the things i did write won't just disappear. i want to keep them, so i'm keeping the blog. i will keep my inbox closed for a little longer, because i want to avoid a repeat of what happened. i don't want asks to end up piling up even more because i don't know how to answer them, because i'm feeling too down to match the enthusiasm, or because i'm not in the headspace to write. i don't know if what i did to my dms and replies even worked, to be honest, because i don't know what tumblr counts as "people you follow" when you do it on a sideblog, but in case it did make a difference, i'm just letting you all know i'm reopening them.

and speaking of writing, i'm coming back around to it, since i'm all around feeling better. i even managed to write a little yesterday, which is actually huge for me. i'm trying, i really am. and i want to answer most, if not all, asks i already have with the attention they deserve. i'm really sorry for making anyone feel bad, feel uncertain, or anything similar. that was never my intention, but i know intent doesn't equal impact, and i apologize.

for now, that's it. i'll keep reblogging, keep posting, keep thirsting, try to write in the background, try to do better for myself regarding the band's new direction.

what you can learn from all this mess is: always ask your psychiatrist why they're prescribing you a certain medication and what it is for. i didn't, and i paid the price for it for months. be smarter than i was.

[amysubmits]

Im not sure if this has been answered on your page so I apologize if this is a repeat!

How do you balance d/s in a way where the submissive doesn't become completely dependent on the dominant figure? I am in a relationship with someone in the military who can deploy at any time and I'm struggling with the balance, I either try to be too independent and closed off or completely dependent where if he's gone even for a short training trip I'm a bit of a mess.

I have a few mental health issues and am disabled, I'm in treatment for everything but he really is my rock when im, say, in a depressive episode or a flare up and am struggling with motivation. I take care of myself in a literal sense but its the drive to function outside of basic care needs (like college, work, hobbies etc) that is a struggle for me to get myself to do without him around because he enforces thpse kinds of things when he's around, but ive never been able to get myself on a routine without the reinforcement.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, but I really enjoy your perspective on things. thank you for reading this!!

Hi :)

I have never been in a situation similar to yours, so take this all with a grain of salt.

I have to think that most people who are partners with someone in the military struggle when their partner leaves without much notice. Not just with being sad but also with the change to their own routine.

My stepdad was a long-haul trucker and even though his weekly schedule was usually the same, I know my mom struggled with switching from her routine during the week without him, to our routine when he was home. I've also heard people who share custody of their kids talk about how it's hard for them and their kids to transition from time alone with their new partner vs time with the child home, or from time with just their bio kids home to time with their stepkids coming to visit, etc. I think anytime we have people coming in or out of the household it's normal to struggle with how that changes routines a bit.

Would it help if you made a specific routine that is different for when he is away? Maybe make that routine with his help, and maybe one that is a bit more lax, so it doesn't overwhelm you when you're struggling with him being gone?

That way you wouldn't be trying to hold yourself to your 'normal when he's home' routine when he isn't there? That may just be too much to expect of yourself.

I am not sure that I really have much advice as far as how to avoid D/s causing dependency. My perspective is that (usually) D/s doesn't cause dependency, but D/s can cause subs to do more than they could/would have done without a dom, so then when the dom isn't around i can seem like the sub has regressed or become dependent...but if the sub was just doing more tha their usual because of the doms support...then that isn't necessarily a bad thing in the way that true dependency would be, in my opinion.

I think all people can do more or achieve more with support from others. I think we see that as very normal in certain settings, like getting a workout buddy to help motivate you tos how up at the gym when you may just sleep in if your workout buddy wasn't going to be waiting on you. I think D/s is usually closer to that example...and if someone was successful at work out regularly with a workout buddy, but then backslid after their workout buddy gave up...I don't think we'd see that as a dependency. It's more like...just being back to being left without a tool or without as much support, so it's understandable that you'd be a bit less successful.

I still think it's reasonable to want to be able to maintain those skills without that tool or support..but I think the key to that is usually related to mental health or things like that, and you said you're already in treatment for your mental health so it seems like you're already trying to work on the areas you want to work on...which is great, and I think that is kind of all you can really do?

I will invite others to chime in if they have related experiences or advice. :)

[elenadoeslife]

Opening up about weight gain after gbp surgery

I haven't shared any food, workout or weight loss related posts in quite a while. Honestly I've been going through so much mentally over the past two years, that the whole weight loss & lifestyle journey got put on the back burner. Shame and the feeling of failure also play part in not sharing this anymore.

It's gonna be a lóng read, my lovelies, so buckle up!

As you guys know, I had gastric bypass surgery back in 2017. I lost a whopping 60kg (132lbs) in the first 2 years. I was paised for this huge achievement by everyone around me, causing a confidence boost and a feeling of being included & accepted.

My personality changed as well, because I felt worthy of taking up space and expressing myself. This didn't go unnoticed in school either; both as student and teacher I would take charge, guide others and speak my mind. There was no stopping me. Looking back, this was definitely a red flag that led to burn-out.

I've always been an 'all-or-nothing' kinda gal. I threw myself in school and teaching, because I enjoyed the fulfillment it gave me. I spent hours prepping the coolest, interactive classes, checking homework, brainstorming with colleagues, etc. When my head hit the pillow after a long day, my mind was already going over the classes for the next day. I was on fire.

Then the fire burned out, and so did I. My mind was overflowing with thoughts, but I couldn't grasp them- couldn't form sentences. It felt like my mind went blank, but was racing a 100m/h at the same time. Only then I noticed I barely took breaks to eat, while I walked about 10K steps a day. I also forgot to take my vitamins for months. My 3 year post-OP check came around and the results from my blood test were alarming (vitamin deficiency). I had been unintentionally starving myself to my lowest weight (65kg/143lbs) and was able to maintain that through not eating nearly enough and moving too much.

Everything hit me once I ended up having no other choice than to take a break from school and work. This was also right around the time Covid hit. I reached out to a psychologist in hopes of speeding up the post burn-out reintegration process- without success. After a year of trying to slowly pick up school from home, but failing because I still lacked concentration and wasn't able to put thoughts on paper, I decided to quit pursuing my degree. This caused me to feel lost in life. The thing I had been working years towards, a degree in teaching, wasn't an option for me anymore. So what now?

I tried resting. I tried walking. I tried everything my psychologist suggested, but I just don't know how to properly rest & recharge. This became very clear 1,5 years ago, when I suffered from shattering nerve pains in my lower back and entire left leg. I was put on morphine pills and had to go to PT for 3 months.

I think at that point I hit rock bottom. I didn't know who I was outside of working my ass off in teaching. Honestly, I still don't know. I'm going through some kind of identity crisis, not knowing who I am and what I want to do in life really messed me up. I want to find myself & move forward, but my mind is still as scrambled as it was when burn-out kicked in, so I feel like I've just been stuck in the same spot.

Because of Covid & feeling drained all the time, I was literally stuck at home for about a year. Not moving, not going outside, not doing anything but spending time in my room. Things that I used to enjoy didn't spark joy anymore. The feeling of helplessness and powerlessness weighed so heavily on me that I just gave up (remember: I'm an 'all-or-nothing' kinda gal). So on top of the burn-out, a depression kicked in.

This is pretty much where I'm at today. I want things to change, but I don't know how to go about it. That's why I decided to ask for a referral to SMHC (specialised mental health care), which I ended up getting, by the way! I'm now on the waiting list. My treatment will be focussed mainly on personality disorder (sounds heavier than it is), anxiety disorder and the depression caused by those.

With all of this going on, I ended up gaining 20kg (44lbs) back over the past two years. Most people I've connected with since my own surgery only started their bariatric journey recently, so I don't know any mutuals my age who are struggling with maintenance. Besides one friend/mutual out here (you know who you are ❤), I haven't shared my feelings about weight gain with anyone but my boyfriend. There's a lot of shame and feeling self conscious, especially since it often feels like I'm going through this alone. Family and relatives noticed the weight gain and commented on this- which is understandable, because this is visible on the outside. What they don't see, is the mental health issues that caused the weight gain.

This is the reason I stopped posting selfies- stopped sharing posts of food and workouts; I feel watched. People connect being skinny to being healthy and that's sooo incredibly harming and heartbreaking. At my lowest weight I was malnourished, but people didn't seem to notice, because I "looked good". When I started giving my body the nutrition it needed, I ended up weighing 75kg and I was able to maintain that weight for quite some time, but then the comments started. It made me feel so insecure about my body and immediately diet culture thoughts re-entered my head; 'I have to lose weight', 'Gaining weight isn't healthy', and so forth.

NoOoOoOo!!! People shouldn't have shamed me for gaining weight due to taking care of my body. This is so fucking toxic, and the worst part is that I started to believe it myself. This is why I don't comment on people's weight loss or gain anymore. Weight has nothing to do with an individual's physical health.

That said, the reason I want to work on my physical health (notice how I don't say 'weight loss'!), is because I currently don't feel comfortable in my body. There's fluid buildup in my lower legs, my thighs chafe and I just don't feel at ease. I made a new food schedule -amongst other things-, which I will probably be sharing in the next couple of weeks.

Wow, I've been typing for an hour. I am so sorry I made you sit through this 😂 If you made it this far: thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to read my post. This Tumblr community of ours is incredibly valuable to me and I love each and every one of you so much more than you realise 🥺❤

[thosefookinavacados]

school fucking sucks, tbh

like we gotta go to do practicals for boards, and it's literally 5-7 hours every tuesday. plus i hardly ever understand what they're teaching, they hardly bother to teach properly, and today i messed up every single one of them practicals AND accidently dropped my and my friend's food and for some reason it triggered my already fucked up emotional state and I embarassed myself by crying in front of them, like i started crying so i went to the toilets but they followed me there to console me or whtv the fuck and ended up not eating their own lunch as well now i feel super guilty and super super shitty so yeah

school. fucking. sucks.

sorry for the rant lol freely ignore this if you want to i just saw you mention school and it just came pouring out

THE FUCKING EDUCATION SYSTEM SUCKS TBH

IM LITERALLY SO CLOSE TO CRYING TEARS OF FRUSTRATION RN EXAMS START ON THE 29TH, 10 SUBJECTS TEN CHAPTERS EACH ON AVERAGE THAT'S A 100 CHAPTERS TO LEARN AND REVISE. AND APPARENTLY IT'S BECAUSE THEY CAN'T FINISH THE PORTION FOR NEXT SEMESTER IF THEY DON'T START OFFLINE LIKE BITCH WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THE PORTIONS OR OUR FUCKING LIFE?????????? WHAT'S THE NEED LIKE WAIT TILL THE VACCINE ROLLS OUT MAYBE CAUSE I'D RATHER LIVE TO WRITE THEIR SO CALLED IMPORTANT BOARD EXAM.

(yes I'm yelling because no one is listening to me my mum yelled back at me when I tried to rant)

Noooo :((( that fucking sucks like yeah education is important but not at the cost of our mental health, hell, our fucking lives?????? And bro, same. The teaching is not good, it's so rushed because they need to cover the portions. There's a stupid fucking uniform of two braids and a skirt that makes me want to rip my own hair out and cry. There's shitty classmates who don't fucking care about you, there's teachers who don't understand you and to top it off: so much material to study, half of it fucking useless if I'm being honest.

I'm probably gonna go stress eat something or clean the goddamn room cause there's no way I'm doing math right now. And vi please take care of yourself, hope ur getting enough rest 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

[thisdreamplace]

Hello! I've been wanting to send in an ask for quite some time. I feel like I'm in a messed up space right now and I'm so tired of my old self. All I do is glare at my phone all day long, scrolling mindlessly. I've also been neglecting my school work a lot due to this. I've been only doing last minute studying which leaves me under a lot of pressure. After being done with the tests, i fall back to my old cycle which is doing nothing and just being in bed all day. The only time i go through manifestation blogs or loa is when I'm trying to combat a problem. After the problem is fixed or if i've managed to successfully avoid it somehow, i get lazy and totally stop learning about loa or applying the law to better myself. And it sucks because i have got so many huge, "impossible" desires, and i'm doing nothing to achieve them while also being stuck in a place with too many deadlines on tests and in school.

hmmm it sounds like you need to check in on your own mental health, and put that first. being in this type of routine kind of seems to me like you’ve got something within you going on. so please look out for yourself in this way 💓

when it comes to manifesting, this is kind of tricky to me because if you don’t feel like doing anything (in regards to loa)… forcing yourself to is always counterproductive. so in other words, you have to kind of… care about yourself imo. (not saying you don’t, but i mean care enough to commit) because this is a journey that is about persistance — continuing to exist in the state you wish to occupy. there’s not a lot that has to go into it. but i want to mention that bc you kind of can’t laze out of your inner world. it’s an ongoing 24/7 thing. sure you can make a super lazy routine. but looking out for yourself within is an ongoing thing, not something that you pick up and put down again when you feel like manifesting. because manifesting doesn’t work that way. it’s not a faucet you turn on and off. it’s an ever flowing river that just keep on flowing. and all you can ever do is change the direction of the flow.

so super low maintenance manifesting imo is just feeling to be who you want to be within yourself. knowing imagination creates reality. so therefore knowing whoever you are within, is what will come to pass. not much you have to do, because you’re literally already doing this everyday.

i hope this helps 💓

[appropriate-writers-name]

Therapy with Sheem

21 Days of Self Care: Day 10

This is technically yesterday's self care act, but I was to tired to post at the end of the night, anywaysssssss

Baked a Cake

So being a cake decorator is literally my entire personality. I live, breathe, and sleep baking and decorating, been this way since I was 13 bribing teachers with cookies in 8th grade. So now that I've moved out of my parents house, my teeny tiny kitchenette in my apartment is too small to bake anything without wanting to pull my hair out. So for the last year or so, I haven't really baked anything and it honestly has been kinda hard. Baking isn't just my job, it's my stress and anxiety outlet. Having a bad day? Gonna make soufflé. Bad grade on a test? Gonna make some cinnamon rolls. Plans got cancelled? Some coffee cake sounds nice. Birthday? You already know I'm in charge of the cake. So for the last year I haven't had this really important part of my mental health care routine, and it has definitely taken a toll on me. There is a real difference between working at a bakery and baking at home as a form of self care, so yesterday I decided to bake a cake for my friend's daughter's 15th birthday. To say it was a disaster of a day is a fucking understatement. Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong, and everything that could possibly go right, also went wrong(I know that technically doesn't make sense, just go with it). I spent the morning running around like a mad woman because I overslept, spent way too much money at Michael's who all but robbed me with their ridiculous prices, went to 3 different stores to find daisies and couldn't for the life of me, went to 3 different different stores to find this spray that I needed so I had to manage without it, forgot several ingredients so I had to wing it because I was crunched for time, couldn't get my buttercream to set up right for God knows what reason, and then when I thought the worst of it was over, my buttercream LITERALLY MELTED off my cake. *cue anxiety meltdown* I cried, like a lot. Thankfully I've mastered the art of crying while frosting cakes, so after I threw myself on the floor in woe, I got back up and started to problem solve.

Actual footage of me yesterday

Scraped off all the frosting, put everything into the fridge to see if it would set up, texted my friend I was running a bit late, and then returned to my panic attack. Cried some more, was not very nice myself, impatiently kept opening the fridge door and letting all the cold air out, kept typing out long winded messages to my friend of why I can't come through with the cake before deleting it, crying even more, looking through my portfolio of work I've done and then crying even harder as I think of my "glory days" and how I've "lost my touch". 20 minutes later I go back to the fridge and get back to work. I do the best that I can with what I have and tell myself at least it'll taste good 😅 got in my car with my wobbly sad cake, proceeded to call my friend and tell her I was on my way and because I've got anxiety I had to warn her that the cake was going to not meet expectations. I looked a hot mess, covered in sugar, flour, and tears. I was supposed to change and shower while the cake cooled but of course my meltdown took precedence. I drive all the way up there, she conveniently had flowers which I was thankful for. I got there and showed her and her husband, and they were so impressed by my ugly cake. Of course I didn't believe the compliments, but I smiled and nodded anyways. Then her daughters came home and saw it and were so excited about it. They were all so sweet, and at some point I started to look at it and think I didn't do too bad.

Anyways, by the end of the night I was glad that I made the cake, got to have fun with my friend's family, and I was apart of their celebration. Idk how self care-ish this was, but my therapist said my perseverance counts so I'll take it😅

You vs the one she told you not to worry about 🥴