#my lamb is just dumb there is no salvaging that

[just-a-mod]

your honor, in their defense : they're stupid.

more or less an in-game way to explain an out-of-game way of me learning how to use the skull

the funny context here is that i got the skull WAY EARLY ON in my game, but not knowing what it was or what to do with it, i just sorta? let it chill in my Lamb's section of the cult grounds

then my fellow cult leader Space told me how-do, and well

that's more art on the way

[ilikereadingthisiswhatilike]

January recap

Note: Sorry this recap is so late. School has been kicking my ass. It has been hard to do anything other then school and sleep right now.

Ellie Williams:

𝐖𝐇𝐘'𝐃 𝐔 𝐎𝐍𝐋𝐘 𝐂𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐄 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐔𝐑 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇 @sonderessence Summary: she only needs you when she's strung off drugs & alcohol. Warnings: Angst, Drug Use Special Tag: None Smut: No

Dumb Summary: Drug dealer Ellie likes when you play dumb. Warnings: Drug Use Special Tag: None Smut: Yes

INVISIBLE STRING THEORY @total-dxmure Summary: After losing your girlfriend due to an accident you feel as though you’ll never find love again- but that was before meeting Ellie Williams Warnings: PTSD, Panic Attacks, Mention of Death. Special Tag: Veteran Au, Muitl-Chapter Smut: Yes

Look What You Started. @r3starttt Summary: Ellie is scarily overreactive of you. Warnings: Murder, Bullying Special Tag: College Au, Muitl-Chapter, Dark Smut: Yes

single hot lesbians in your area looking to fuck! @destructive-path Summary: You have a online hook up with Ellie Warnings: None Special Tag: Dirty Smut: Yes

When I was your girl. @hunnylagoon Summary: You and fell in love as nobodies and fell out of love in the limelight. Now you are forced to deal with ghosts who haunt you like a melody. Warnings: Angst, Brake up Special Tag: Singer AU Smut: No

In my room @nyctophiliq Summary: Didn’t your parents tell you to never leave the doors or windows open? Warnings: Rape, Braking and Entering Special Tag: Dark Smut: Yes

Your sister knows best @nyctophiliq Summary: You get a new boyfriend, but Ellie just can’t take the idea of you with someone else. Warnings: Dub-Con, Incest Special Tag: Dark Smut: Yes

BEYOND SALVAGE @angelsforthenight Summary: you’re somebody that’s virtuous, staying in an all girls catholic boarding school. fallen victim to the vast fear of god, you try your hardest not to sin. however what happens when an embarrassing incident catches a certain rogue girl’s attention — who absolutely reeks of sin? Warnings: Religion Special Tag: School AU Smut: None

Abby Anderson

vengeance @atomicami Summary: You’re tired of dealing with your boyfriend’s awful habits. when he ends up crossing the line with you one day, you decide to get back at him, and your not-so-innocent roommate has the perfect way to do it. Warnings: Cheating Special Tag: Video Sex Smut: Yes

Little lamb @mizukiramman Summary: You need to let go of your sins and repent, but only reverend mother Abigail can help you with that. Warnings: Religion Special Tag: Cult Au, Dark, Dirty Smut: Yes

Tripping Over @nyctophiliq Summary:  “a glass full of tension, tips over in time” Warnings: None Special Tag: Dom Reader Smut: Yes

Meant to be yours @nyctophiliq Summary:  “YOU CARVED OPEN MY HEART, CAN’T JUST LEAVE ME TO BLEED.” Warnings: Toxic Relationship Special Tag: Jock Au, Dark Smut: Yes

Mizu

Unknown Dances @her-stargirl Summary: Mizu has culture shock while also having to attempt to fit in, however she ends up making a friend at a noble ball. Warnings: None Special Tag: None Smut: No

oversimulated @biibini Summary: Reader get overwhelmed by the pleasure she’s receiving but Mizu just pulling her close. Warnings: None Special Tag: None Smut: Yes

Jinx

Druggy Sister @itsmebytch001 Summary: Your sister finds out you are doing drugs. Warnings: Drug use, Family Issues Special Tag: None Smut: No

Just hair @manias-wordcount Summary: Your bush Jinx Warnings: Drug use, Family Issues Special Tag: None Smut: No

When I brush your hair @ladey Summary: Your an mother figure to Jinx Warnings: None Special Tag: Fluff, Muitl-Chapter Smut: No

Sisters @lolita-lollipop Summary: You are the baby of the family and most affected by Vi leaving. Warnings: Family Issues, Mental Health Issues Special Tag: None Smut: No

Vi

Bottoms Up @sleepyangelkami Summary: vampire!reader hasn't been able to drink blood in what felt like forever. luckily for her, vi's there with open arms and an outstretched wrist. Warnings: None Special Tag: Fluff Smut: No

Personal Trainer @angelltheninth Summary: Vi is your personal trainer Warnings: None Special Tag: Fluff Smut: No

Sisters @lolita-lollipop Summary: You are the baby of the family and most affected by Vi leaving. Warnings: Family Issues, Mental Health Issues Special Tag: None Smut: No

[leothetraveler]

Foreign King AU

Chapter 3 - A Meeting of Kings

Every sense of mine was on edge.

There was no promise that the lamb would show, much less talk instead of taking my head. Last we met, I took the green crown and killed them, sending them back to their cult. But they recently crusaded through Darkwood. They didn’t harm any of my people, but they are still rattled by the idea that the lamb might come for them.

I need to reassure them it is safe. The easiest way would be to stop the lambs' rampage. In Darkwood at least. Trying to keep them out entirely is impossible. And killing them every day is not a better solution either. They would just keep coming until they managed to defeat me. I doubt it would take them long.

They have already bested two bishops, and are well on their way to three. First Leshy, my unfortunate predecessor. Then Heket of Anura, whose cult is tearing themselves apart in that mushroom forest or is here in Darkwood, seeking refuge from the lamb’s fury. Now the lamb is going after Kallamar in Anchordeep.

The fool sent an envoy earlier this week. Asked if I would join the fight against the lamb. I’m no fool. I don’t seek to join him in his damnation. I don’t guard a chain for The One Who Waits, so the lamb has no reason to hunt me. Peace is still an option…I hope.

One of the followers alerts me that the lamb has arrived, with the lamb approaching behind them.

I tell my people to leave us. They will keep others away, but will be out of sight and too far to overhear. This is a matter between gods…and the lamb is less likely to put up a facade with us alone. As the guards spread out to secure the perimeter, I welcome the lamb and thank them for meeting me here.

I chose not to have the meeting in the temple, for obvious reasons, but kept it to Darkwood for security. While Anura would be neutral territory, keeping the area clear would be a hassle. Instead, I found this place. A ruined home, long abandoned by whoever was here. The only building standing in what was clearly a small village. Simple, Secure, and Discreet.

I salvaged a table and chairs from the town ruins. I gesture to the lamb to take a seat. They haven’t spoken a word, and continue to remain silent as they sit. Not the greatest sign, but they seem willing to talk. I take the seat opposite and decide to break the tension.

“...you already know why I requested you come here, Lamb.” I begin, “I may have taken the crown of Darkwood, but I have no interest in the Old Faith or its ways. The chain remains broken, Leshy’s cult; disbanded. There is no reason for us to behave like animals.”

The Lamb’s face remains blank, but their eyes betray their anger. It would seem they haven’t forgo- “last we met, traitor, you plunged a knife into my throat.” As predicted, they are still upset about that.

I take a quick breath before explaining myself. “In all fairness, you were trying to kill me. Not only after I took the crown, but I suspect long beforehand.” The lamb’s eyes narrow, their stoic facade giving way to a frown. “What are you accusing me of?” They asked, almost as if playing dumb will erase things.

“You know damn well what I’m saying, lamb. I didn’t see a lick of evidence that you planned to send me home at the end of the month. .” I tried to remain professional, but my anger was plain as day. “If there was any reason to trust you, I wouldn’t be stuck with this crown right now. The native people of this land may be primed to trust anyone who feeds them a berry or two, but I’m. Not. Fooled. You were hoping to either have me killed or sacrificed since I wouldn’t bend the knee.” I should have held my tongue, at least a little. Yelling at the lamb will not make them willing to negotiate. And I don’t want to have to turn the old temple into a fortress, not that such would be possible in swift fashion.

The lamb closed their eyes for a second, lowering their head ...before letting out a brief chuckle. It was unnerving, hearing them laugh for the first time. “If I wanted you dead the entire time, I would not have let you leave at all. I was hoping you would fall in line like the rest. Clearly, I should have staged a little accident when I sent you out on that mission. It would have been so much easier than trying to recruit you.” The lamb opened their eyes, returning my gaze with a smirk. “As you said, most of the people in these lands are gullible. They desire a leader. A god to give them all they want, and take all they have to offer. It is the way of the world. Some are born to rule, and others to be ruled. I should have known I had summoned a fellow ruler, rather than a simple follower. That was my mistake.”

I wanted to punch the lamb in the face for that comment. The same bullshit every evil leader uses to excuse their behavior. Divine right this, born to rule that. All lies. If it weren’t for the crown, that is. While everyone else who says those things are just egotistical, the crown does give him divine right to rule. As mine does for me.

I shook my head a bit, both in disagreement and to shake off the shiver of fear that chuckle had put in me. “Regardless, Lamb, there is no reason to stay at each other’s throats. I am not a threat to your plan, and you have nothing to gain from slaying me. The bishops are your priority. So, I brought you here to discuss the option of peace.”

“Peace?” the Lamb’s face dropped back into a frown, “you killed me once without hesitation and went behind my back to reignite the crown. You could have left. I’m sure there is some way out of these lands if you look. But no…you ran to Shamura. You made yourself a threat.”

“TO KEEP YOU IN CHECK!” I interrupted, standing and slamming my hands on the old table between us. “You and your damned master are the real threat here! You preach about destroying the Old Faith, but what you are replacing it with is no better. I am here to hold you accountable for your actions. I bear the crown because it is the only thing that could possibly harm you and The One Below. I did this…” I paused, regaining my composure. I sat back down in my chair before continuing. “I did this cause I still have my soul, while you sold yours for revenge, lamb. I may not know these people, but you promised a new future. I am here to deliver it, should you fail to do so. Nothing more.” I silently cursed my short temper. Too much information for too little gain. The lamb was many things, but they were no fool either. I’m sure they wanted to rile me up. I can’t let them get to me.

“Look, I just want a formal agreement to calm down my followers. If you agree to stop crusading in Darkwood, I’ll let any missionaries you send our way stay at the temple unharmed. They can even set up a little shrine to you outside, so long as they cause no trouble. Sound fair?” I extended my hand to the lamb. I doubt it would ever be this easy, but the longer this goes on, the more likely things will escalate.

The lamb looked at my hand, then back to me. Their face had returned to it’s neutral demeanor. “So you mean to bar me from Darkwood? You think I cannot end you with ease?”

Now it was my turn to chuckle. “I never said that. But carving a path through here every time you need some camellia is causing trouble. And you have bigger fish to fry. Leave the remnants of Leshy’s cult to me. And your people can come get all the flowers you need from us. Now, deal or no deal? My arm is getting tired.” I shook my arm a little to emphasize my point. After a moment of silence, the lamb shook my hand.

And then they pulled me up across the table. “This does NOT make us allies.” I pulled myself away from them. “No. no, it doesn’t. So long as we are not enemies, I am fine with that.”

And with that, the lamb simply turned and left the way they came. Hopefully they will stick to their word. But I have other matters to attend to. Between the refugees and the loyalists of Leshy, my hands are overflowing with problems.

The crown may prevent the need for sleep…but I already feel tired.

<<PREV FIRST NEXT>>

[yanderemommabean]

How would Jasper react/deal with an s/o who hates drugs and drug addicts because their parents were addicts?

“Listen you’re a good guy-“.

“Great guy but do continue dollface”.

“...Great guy...but I don’t want to date you, Jas. I can’t. I’ve seen what drugs do to people and how people act on them. Selling them as well? It’s...it’s too dangerous”.

“So?”.

You raise an eyebrow at that. So? So everything! Was he seriously not getting it? “So? So it’s a huge issue for me! I’m not dating someone who’s- who’s gonna just hurt me and blame me for shit!.”

Jaspers emerald eyes pierce yours as he leans up from the counter he so loved to lean on when he’d listen to you talk at work. He’s a little above six feet, and for once decides to straighten his posture to show it.

“Don’t. Fucking. Compare me”.

The words were cold, stern and harsh. They sliced into you a bit, making you feel like maybe you pissed him off more than you meant too. Honestly, telling someone no on a date is hard enough but Jasper is the one person you genuinely think would kill someone over it. Funny as you’ve yet to find out his second pastime.

You stammer a bit, unable to look him in the eye for longer than a second as you try and think of what to say.

“Jas, I didn’t mean- it’s not like that I just-“. Ugh, get the words out! Quit being so shy! He’ll just pick on you and make you feel dumb!

“You think I’d ever fucking lay a hand on you?” The redhead asked, reaching over the counter to tilt your head up to meet his gaze. It was burning, with something dangerous behind it, something carnal and devilish. It made your heart drop to your stomach.

“Cute as always. Never knowing what to think and trying to be a big bad wolf like me”. He leans closer, tracing the pad of his thumb over your lips, eyes fixated on them for a moment before he looks you in the eye again.

“You’re just my little lamb. I’d never hurt you. Mmm but this wolf does love the idea of using his mouth on you” he half jokes, feeling the heat in your cheeks against his skin as he continues to hold your face.

You’re lost for words, mouth wanting to stay agape and hit the floor if Jasper wasnt holding it currently. You shouldn’t be surprised at this though, Jaspers known to do and say crazy and off the wall things constantly. This? Should be an average tuesday for the town, but for you it felt like you might actually have set something off.

“I’m-no”.

Jasper chortles at your stammer, and brushes his lips against your ear to give you shivers as he whispers. “What was that? Is my little lamb trying to deny me?”.

Fuck him and how he made you feel hot and nervous and completely make you forget how you managed to go from zero to one hundred in this situation.

“No. No Jasper. Until the drugs are gone and you’re...y’know...sober, I won’t date you”.

Jasper hums against your neck in response, letting his lips leave a few kisses before he reluctantly pulls away. He wanted to smash his lips against yours but he already crossed enough lines to get him banned by your manager if they watched the cameras. Maybe next time you two hang out, if he can salvage this.

“...you really think I do as many drugs as I sell?”.

Wait. Doesn’t he? He always makes jokes about it!

“Well duh! What else am I supposed to think?!” You shout, flabbergasted. “What? Do you not get high? I’m sure you have more crackhead energy than anyone in town!”.

Jasper laughs at that, with a genuine smile that made you feel slightly less scared about him jumping off the deep end and just robbing the store. Who knows? Maybe he just sells them. To be fair you’ve only seen him do a few puffs of a joint and steal some muscle relaxers.

“Babydoll, I won’t act like a saint, I get high sometimes, weed mostly, but I’m not a junkie. I can handle my shit”. He seemed to be sincere, you couldn’t see any signs of him lying to you, but that’s just one of the many skills a hitman has to learn.

He doesn’t do drugs often. Not as often as you’re paranoid about. If he does anything hardcore it’s usually to make an ally less worried about his intentions and to ease their nerves about him possibly being an undercover pig.

You bite your lip, thinking it over and over while he sits there with a smug expression. No. No you still can’t trust him. You want too, he’s a great friend, who’s flirting technique isn’t fair for the rest of the people in their twenties and thirties. You need to stand your ground otherwise he’ll believe he can walk all over you!

“Well I’m happy about that but it’s still no Jasper. Please, just change the subject”. You were sounding more frustrated than you meant too, but it did the trick. Jasper backed away and easily began talking about the other locals in town and how he wants to name a stray black cat in his apartment area a funny name. You two naturally forget anything awkward and worrying just occurred, and can move on for now.

Well, YOU move on and forget his antics. He’s stuck on it. Obsessing over it and wondering how he can make it work without risking lives in the process. It’s easier said than done to abandon a small empire of hit-men and drug dealers. Him leaving abruptly could cause people to think he’s a law abiding citizen and that’s just an insult! A deadly insult! He could get shot if he left!

Or stabbed or ran over or something else more creative he couldn’t care less to think about.

Jasper sighs as he rolls over in his bed, eyes burning a bit from staring too long at his phone. Maybe he should be more secretive? He’s sure Lee would be benefitial as a friend to move drugs in a more lucrative way. Rich people do drugs more than anyone he knows, especially soccer moms. God he hates them.

Alright. Then it’s settled. He’ll get help from his doctor friend to make his business more booming and underground, and then steal you away once the scheming begins.

And if you say no again? Well he knows a guy who can get him some chloroform and rope. It pays to have connections in this town after all.

(Comments let me know what you think! -Mommabean)

[katsura018]

High School AU 2 - Summer Festival, mysteries and confessions (2/3)

Sherlock: …and sent.

Sherlock: Now, a place you can clearly see the lost and found but still be able to hide�� or maybe they were planning on meeting somewhere.

--

Gregson: Mhmm, looking at the time, I could meet up with him now…

John: Ah! Gregson-sensei! (monotone)

Mary: This is definitely a coincidence, isn’t it?

John: Yeah! An incredible coincidence. (monotone)

Gregson: …

Mary: Err… you seem to be rushing to go somewhere?

Gregson: …yeah, it was nice to see you two, but I have somewhere I have to go.

John and Mary stares at him.

Gregson: Then… I’ll be going this way so…

John: AH! Ah- sensei, actually I have a question about the summer homework! (monotone)

Gregson: Hah? Now of all times, weren’t you listening to me? I have to hurry!

John: Ah well, I’m a depressing idiot you see… (monotone)

Mary: …and sent. Yeah, please help John-kun and me too. (monotone)

--

Person 1: Mhmm, where is he? It’s about time for their shift change.

Sherlock: You ain’t meeting him, Bill.

Bill: Holmes-san?!

Sherlock: I’m going to make you go to the lost and found alone.

Bill: …ugh. What do you mean? Why would I be going there? It’s not like I lost anything, besides why are you even here? I… I have somewhere I need to go to-

Sherlock: If you continue with this plan, you’ll definitely lose something.

Bill: Plan? You really are the weirdest one in class; I don’t understand a single thing that you’re saying.

Sherlock: Still playing dumb eh? What you’re going to lose isn’t something easily salvaged. That is, that person’s trust, are you that desperate to destroy it?

Bill: …ugh!

Sherlock: I’m going to reveal the true motif of this plan to you. You stupid lost lamb.

Sherlock: I’m not sure who it is you’re working with yet, but you’re just being used to destroy that person. Those two reports of lost wallets were fake, weren’t they?

Bill: …

Sherlock: Fortunately for me, one of them is an idiot. The first one had written only the description of the wallet and their contact, just listening to one of the volunteers probably. But maybe according to the plan and to make it more believable, the contents and amount of money had to be written as well. The first person leaves without writing those details down.

Sherlock: The second one was the idiot. After writing down his own details, he notices what the first person forgot to write. Thinking he was being useful; he wrote down the contents and amount for the first person. The difference in handwriting and how it was rushed at that part was too obvious.

Bill: …ugh

Sherlock: Orchestrating such a plan, there’s bound to be something else other than messing with the guards or police. They weren’t the target. If it was to make a commotion for the festival, they could’ve either posted the missing items in social media or contacted the authorities directly, but they didn’t.

Sherlock: Because the target was small and it was an incident that could be kept a secret among only those who knew the pickpocket was going on. I mean, they could’ve also actually pick pocket a stranger but no, they chose to make it fake and even get people to do it for them.

Sherlock: It was the sort of incident you’d want to be kept as a secret. Even if a few people knew, it wasn’t big enough either to keep chasing after it.

Sherlock: Their target was the volunteer teachers, as to which… you know, don’t you?

Bill: …but, I just wanted to-

Sherlock: That’s why I said you were being used! This incident will just be used to blackmail William-sensei!

Bill: …blackmail?!

Sherlock: Do you get it? Do you still think it’s worth it?

Sherlock: Just think about it. It’s Gregson-sensei right?

Sherlock: You were supposed to go with Gregson-sensei, making it look like he caught you and you were planning on confessing to those fake stolen items.

Bill: …

Sherlock: And how would that situation look like… to William-sensei?

Sherlock: I saw Patterson-sensei’s schedule earlier. In William-sensei’s shift, when you confess, the only people in the lost and found would be him, you, and Gregson-sensei.

Sherlock: I can only imagine what bullshit that Gregson-sensei will say to Liam, and I wouldn’t be able to stand it!

Sherlock: You’re one of his students! Are you planning on ruining him by making it look that one of his students is a criminal?!

Bill: I… I only wanted his attention! It’s unfair! You of all people wouldn’t understand me!

Bill: I didn’t care if it was in a bad way or a good way but I just wanted him to look at me more! The class is full of eccentric and busy body students, there’s no way I’d even be in his line of sight. I’m too normal and you’re all a bunch of weirdos!

Sherlock: ...oi

Bill: I’m scared to stand out in class too! I don’t want to get bullied for my academics like before! Wiliam-sensei is the only person I want to stand out to! If I did it like this... just maybe... he might pay more attention to me.

Sherlock: Tch, you goddamn idiot. That’s the worst way possible to do it.

Bill: …ugh

Bill: But… I really was... only thinking of myself... but… I mean, why would Gregson-sensei? Are you saying Gregson-sensei would use something like that as blackmail?

Sherlock: Hmph, there could be some ill intentions. It’s just a feeling but… that’s something only the senseis might be able to answer. As much as I hate it, I’m only a student.

Sherlock: But if you go alone… you could still confess the whole plan to William-sensei. If you go with Gregson-sensei, there’s a chance that even if you try to tell the plan, he’ll backstab you and say you’re lying just to get out of trouble. If William-sensei really is their target.

Bill: ...but, what if he doesn’t believe me?

Sherlock: It’s William-sensei we’re talking about here. There’s no way he wouldn’t be able to figure out the truth about everything. if you say you’re the pickpocket, with him knowing the truth, you’d just be his enemy... Bill: ugh!

Sherlock: I’m joking! I can’t speak for what William-sensei will feel but... I think the only thing that can save you now is your confession of the plan.

Bill: I understand… I’m going.

Sherlock: …

Bill: …alone.

Sherlock: Hmph, also, just saying. William-sensei isn’t the type to ignore any of his students. I think it would be better to hear it from him instead but I’m sure he’s also properly paying attention to you.

Bill: …Holmes-kun.

Sherlock: Tch, Sherlock is fine. Haven’t you noticed we’re already all on first name basis in class?

Bill: Haha, yeah, I remember. It’s cause there’s three Moriartys in our class, including William-sensei, that it sort of just happened. Thank you, Sherlock.

--

Gregson: Haaa… It was nearly impossible to get away from those two. Mhm? Wasn’t this the meeting place? Where’s Bill?

--

Sherlock: Now then… unfortunately, looks like Bill has no idea who made this plan and was just sent instructions, rather, tempted by it.

Sherlock: Considering Gergson-sensei’s involvement… I don’t even want to think it’s Gregson-sensei… impossible. Or maybe, Gregson is the only one with a grudge on Liam and he got help from someone from his class? Who were the people in his class again?

Sherlock: A place where you can see the lost and found but still stay hidden…

--

Person 2: Why is Bill the only one of the main actors there?! Tch, if it’s like this, something definitely happened. Have I been found out? No, there’s little evidence to track everything to me. Even with that Holmes-kun’s interference he shouldn’t be able to find me too easily. William-sensei, however, is another case.

Person 2: But… damn it, I can’t believe I chose the wrong people to do the job! Our class really is just a bunch of high-class idiots. If it’s against his class… haaa… Enders and Dudley, I’ll without a doubt get you both for ruining my perfect plan!

Person 2: It’s unsettling that I don’t know where those two are. For now, I need to leave.

Sherlock: Ah! Right where I thought you were!

Person: ?!

Person wearing an Oni mask: Oh... this is quite the coincidence, isn’t it?

Sherlock and Milverton: ?!?!

--

(aaah… sorry, this is getting more longer than I thought… I love writing it though, haha thanks for reading all the way down here!)

[pitviperofdoom]

I have no self control so I made an Ace Attorney AU with dӕmons in it. Have a ficlet!

---

They’ve barely made it back out into the defendant’s lobby when Larry’s dӕmon screams and tries to tackle Phoenix’s.

Luckily, Dawn’s used to this kind of thing, and goats aren’t really built for the kind of tackling that Artemisia was attempting. She manages to get in an awkward, floppy headbutt before Dawn sort of sighs and starts circling around her. It’ll take a second, but if the usual patterns hold true, Dawn will end up sitting on her to get her to calm down. That’s usually what’s worked in the past.

“That was a close one!” Mia says cheerfully, drawing Phoenix’s attention away from the dӕmons’ antics. “I was almost ready to kiss that Not Guilty verdict goodbye.”

Phoenix winces in embarrassment. “Oh, come on…”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, boss,” Dawn says dryly, while Artemisia performs a complicated parkour maneuver off her shoulder. The piteous bleating and clip-clop of goat hooves are almost deafening with the lobby’s acoustics.

From Mia’s shoulder, Archimedes laughs. “She’s joking,” he says, ignoring Mia’s look of betrayal.  “She’s joking, don’t worry. We knew you had it handled.”

Phoenix relaxes. “Oh, well, I guess—”

“I mean you had to have Payne handled,” Arc goes on. “If you can’t trounce the Rookie Killer, there’s no hope for you.”

“Thank… you?” Phoenix tries.

“Why is it so hard to tell a compliment from a criticism with them?” Dawn wonders, just loud enough to be heard. Mia covers her mouth elegantly against her laughter, but the pigeon dӕmon on her shoulder has no such reservations. Before Phoenix can think of a follow-up to that, Larry falls upon him in hysterics.

“Nick! Nick, what am I gonna do? My Cindy-windy’s gone, how is life worth living?”

“Larry, she was a—oh, never mind,” Dawn mutters.

It takes a minute, and some digging through the court record, but eventually Dawn sits on Artie until she stops wiggling, and Phoenix assuages Larry’s agony over whether or not his late ex-girlfriend loved him. Dawn lets Artie up off the floor and takes the last-minute headbutt to the chin like a champ, and Larry and his dӕmon finally leave. They’re definitely not getting paid for any of this.

Dawn shakes the rest of the confetti out of her fur and returns to Phoenix’s side, tail wagging like a banner. “Well, that could’ve gone a lot worse.”

“Oh, we’ve had more frustrating clients before, believe me,” Mia says, and something about her pointed smile tells Phoenix exactly which client she’s talking about. Dawn’s tail stops wagging for a moment.

“Hey, don’t knock Larry,” Phoenix retorts. “He’s part of the reason why I became a lawyer in the first place.”

Mia’s eyes widen in surprise. “My, you’ll have to tell us that story sometime,” she says. “Harry Butz, the inspiration for your legal career.”

Phoenix exchanges a glance with his dӕmon. “Well…”

“A small part,” Dawn amends. “About thirty percent of the reason, tops.”

It’s the part that’s the easiest to explain, anyway. Mia has never been shy about her opinion of cutthroat prosecutors, so how is he supposed to tell her—

how wrong it was, seeing pictures of the so-called Demon Prosecutor in news and magazines, tired and angry and weighed down with misery that nobody else seems to notice, with a dӕmon that’s said to show her claws to anyone who moves too close—

“Phoenix?” Mia’s voice brings him back to the present. “Still with us?”

“Yeah, yeah, just… thinking about things,” he says. “You’re right, I’ll have to… tell you about that.”

“Later this evening, maybe,” she says. “Why don’t we get together for dinner? You did just win your first trial, after all. I think that’s a good reason to celebrate.”

Dawn’s drooping tail springs up again and wags, like she can be any more obvious.

“Yeah, sure, sounds good,” Phoenix agrees, praying that his dӕmon won’t start prancing like she’s actually begging for a treat. Mia notices, obviously, and grins in spite of his best efforts to salvage his dignity. Sometimes there are disadvantages to having your soul walk around in the form of a fluffy white dog the size of a miniature horse.

“Phoenix?” she says.

“Yeah, Chief?”

Her amused grin softens to a more genuine smile. “Archimedes meant what he said before.”

“We really did know you could do it,” says Arc.

“To be honest, we’ve known you’d do well since you first told us you were changing your major,” Mia tells him.

Dawn’s tail wags faster. “Okay, now I know you’re fibbing,” Phoenix says. “Twenty-year-old me was an airhead.”

“Was, he says,” Mia’s dӕmon remarks.

“Archimedes,” Mia chides him. “We’re not kidding, Phoenix. It’s all in your dӕmon.”

Phoenix blinks, then exchanges another look with Dawn. “Me?” Dawn asks. “But… I was the same, back then. It’s not like…” Her voice catches. “It’s not like I noticed anything wrong with Dollie and Cassius and—”

“You believed in them,” Arc says gently. “That’s one of the most important parts of being a good defense attorney: trusting your instincts and believing in your client’s innocence.” He cocks his head to one side. “But that’s not what we’re talking about. It’s the very shape you’re in, Dawn.”

“A… dog?” Phoenix frowns. “Man, that’s not what the kids in middle school said.”

“Meh-meh-meh, Phoenix has a dog dӕmon, he’s gonna be a bellboy when he grows up,” Dawn mutters mockingly.

“Seriously, Rudy Bruzer used to throw his backpack at me and tell me to carry it for him. That thing was heavy.” Phoenix stops before he gets too deep in the teen angst of years past. “Anyway, everybody says dog dӕmons are the submissive, authority-following type, so I don’t really see your point.”

“Well, you didn’t look very submissive at the defense bench just now,” Mia points out. “And besides, I’m not talking about her being a dog. I’m talking about the kind of dog she is.” She raises an eyebrow at him. “Don’t tell me you never looked it up.”

“We never really thought about it,” Dawn admits. “I guess I kind of look like a Pyrenees?”

“Precisely.” Arc flutters down from Mia’s shoulder and lands on Dawn’s back. “A Great Pyrenees. That’s a breed from the Pyrenees Mountains between France and Spain. A guardian breed, to be exact.”

Dawn twists her head around to look at him. “So now I’m a guard dog? What does that have to do with being a lawyer?”

“Not a guard dog,” Mia says, keeping her eyes on Phoenix. “A guardian. They were bred to watch over herds and flocks in the mountains.” She tilts her head with a smile. “You have the soul of a protector, Phoenix.”

“Gentle with the lambs and fierce against the wolves,” Archimedes adds. “I can’t think of a better dӕmon for someone who defends the innocent.”

“Oh,” Phoenix says faintly. Mia’s nice enough to pretend not to notice how choked up he is. After all the dumb-dog-go-fetch comments he’s heard in every school he’s ever attended, this is the nicest thing anyone’s ever said about Dawn’s shape.

***

Hours later, he kneels on the floor of Mia’s office, choking back tears as he searches her corpse for clues. Archimedes is gone, dissolved into Dust the moment Mia’s heart stopped beating. Dawn noses her cold hand; it’s safe for his dӕmon to touch her now that she’s dead.

You were wrong, Chief, he thinks, staring blankly at the bloody name scrawled on the back of a department store receipt. I couldn’t even protect you.

[halfblood-fiend]

Imma throw you a curveball for ur kiss ask meme... sparrow @ kasha, either 7 (shut up) or 17 (distract), bc of course I'm gonna want some hilarity to insue

Oh Jesus, this was way too much fun to write while drunk. I love you? For giving me this??

This is set in a Modern AU world where I guess all modern brands exist (don’t @me) despite it being our Pathfinder characters (though, at this point, they have barely anything to do with tabletop).

From the Fifty Ways to Kiss Someone list

17... to distract

Expensive Tastes

“Wait.” Kasha lookedaround at their upscale apartment from where she lounged on the corner seat ofthe leather couch. The place was perfectly spick and span, not a speck of dustanywhere. She had been under the hopeful impression that maybe her brother,Trey, had just been inspired to tidy their usually messy place up. But the newsthat her very uptight and very nervous brother had just given her was throwingher for a loop. “Wait... here? Your date’s coming here?”

“Yes,” Trey replied,gesturing wildly. “I told you that! Itold you days ago and this morning.”

“You did?”

Kasha looked aroundherself again. This time, she noted the candles, the flower arrangements, thefreshly wiped down kitchen counters. She saw the bowl of fruit they’d never eaton the island, noted the intoxicating smell of a roast lamb in the oven, heardthe gentle simmer of the mushroom sauce on the stove, and then she saw thedining table, set for two.

Her eyes widened, andshe nearly sloshed her brandy as she abruptly sat up. "Oh! She's comingHERE!"

Trey, strands of perfectlystyled auburn hair coming as undone as his brain was, nearly jumped at her likea feral cat. “YES! FOR THE LOVE OF THE GODS YES! So, GET OUT!!”

“Shit.”

Kasha downed the restof the liquid in her glass and leaped, lithe, from her seat. Trey rushed intoaction as well, picking her golden heels off the floor and throwing them toher. As she hopped from one foot to the other, slipping them on, Trey snatchedup her purse and dropped the straps into her free hand.

“Here, Kip!” Kasha called,shrugging the purse onto her shoulder as Trey stuffed her sunglasses into herhand next. “Careful! Those are Dior!”

“Leave Kip,” Trey saidtersely as he pushed Kasha towards the door.

“Why?”

“Because! I need him.”

Kasha stopped at thefront door and turned to squint at her twin brother who suddenly became veryfidgety. “You’ve never really liked Kip.”

“I do too.”

Right on cue, the terrierbounded around the corner and tried to jump up and put his front paws on Trey'sleg. Trey skirted around the claws muttering about Armani as he straightenedhis sports jacket. When he met Kasha’s quirked eyebrow, he sighed.

“Alright, alright. Ineed him for Sparrow.”

“Oh, you’re reallyusing that tactic—”

“Hey! I’ll use anytactic I can, okay? She likes dogs—loves dogs, actually so... please leave Kip.I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

Kasha rolled her eyesat her dumb ass brother and sighed. “You know what else I think Sparrow likes,”she said as she picked off the only white dog hair that besmirched Trey’sperfectly pressed baby blue suit. “Authenticity.”

Trey scowled.

“You know what she won’t like?”

“I sense you’re goingto tell me anyway whether I resp—”

“Giorgio Armani.” Kashaflicked the lapel of Trey’s coat. “Seriously, drop all this shit you’re doingto impress her, like our apartment and the arrangements and the suit and thegourmet meal in the kitchen, and try just being your regular goofball self. I’msure she’ll love it more than the money, no matter what mom and dad said. Mostpeople in their right minds do."

“Duly noted. I’ll besure to start a food fight tonight, or something,” Trey muttered. “I’ll text you when she’sgoing to leave.”

“You mean IF she leaves—HEY-OH!"

He finally laughed, andKasha was glad the stick reamed up his butt had loosened just a little. “Niceenthusiasm, but no. I want this one to go well.”

Kasha’s eyes widenedand she batted her eyelashes at him. “All the more reason to keep her here,huh?”

The high-pitched trillof the doorbell made them both jump a foot into the air.

“Holy fuck, SHE’S HERE.I TOLD you—”

Kasha waved Trey awayas she opened the front door. “Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m the worst sister—Hel-lo! Welcome, Sparrow.”

The woman from Kip’sdoggie daycare was familiar to her, but not quite like this.

Her makeup was done witha practiced hand Kasha hadn’t expected, winged eyeliner sharp and deadly, andher long scarlet hair, usually wild or in a haphazard ponytail was pulled backand styled in an updo that showed off her long, lovely neck. Her satin dresswas off one shoulder, the silver fabric that reflected brightly in her greyeyes wrapped around her tall body and fell in long perfectly arranged drapes toher knees. As if she needed any more height, black heels made her positivelytower over both Kasha and Trey, and Kasha wondered for a delirious moment ifthe beautiful giant would even fit through the door.

Kip barking happilybehind her broke the spell.

Sparrow’s face lit up,full red lips cracking into a wide grin. “KIPPIE! How’s my favorite Good Boy??”

Trey elbowed Kasha outof the way. “Sparrow! Please, come in. Don’t mind my sister. She was just. leaving.” His voice sounded higher than it should have been, but ifhe was as struck as Kasha had been, she could hardly blame him.

“Y-yeah. I'm goin’ outon the town, you know? Just...ha ha. Tearin’ shit up. As I do.” She snapped hermouth shut.

But Sparrow seemed notto have noticed. She had Kip in her arms the second she’d walked in the door,not seeming to care about how claws and satin don’t mix. She gave Kasha abreezy smile that made her stomach flip. “Cool. Sounds fun. I’ll watch your dogagain tonight, free of charge. Your brother, on the other hand, will cost you.”

“Ha. Ha.” Trey crossedhis arms, and tried to look offended, but his grin was too much to hold back.They were both like bursts of sunshine on rainy days, with just enough warmthto dry the ground before the clouds darkened and the rain poured all over again.

Kasha realized she hadbetter get outta here before she ended up staying just to bask in them both.

“Well. Better go beforethe night leaves without me. Have fun, you guys. Don’t burn down my house, Trey?”

“Wait,” Sparrow saidwith a frown. “Aren’t you going to grab a coat? It’s super cold out.”

“Oh?” Kasha paused andglanced at the entrance hall closet door. “Is it? You aren’t wearing one.”

Sparrow shrugged. “Idon’t get cold.”

“Oh, well in that case.”Kasha reached for the doorknob of the closet—

“No, wait—KASHA, NO!”Trey screamed.

As soon as she openedthe door, everything—and she meant everything—thatthe twins had had lying about their apartment spilled out of the closet;crumpled clothing, Kasha’s shoes, a pair of slippers, the Christmas tree theynever took down, all of Kip’s toys, the springtime wreath, Trey’s barely-usedgolf clubs...everything.

Kasha gawked at Trey,Trey gawked back, their guest completely forgotten for a painful heartbeat, asthey both grasped numb brains for how the fuckthey could salvage this.

‘Kasha! Distraction!”

“Got it!”

She looked around forsomething to do—anything to do! —as Trey sprang into action shoving everythingback where he had hidden it moments before.

“Uh. Uh??”

Sparrow was still in astartled state, though Kasha thought she saw the hint of a smile playing at herlips. Her beautiful, lush, kissable lips...

Kasha grabbed Sparrow’sface in her hands and brought the other woman down to her height and kissed herwith as much ferocity as she could muster.

“A-Guh—KASHA!?”

Just a bit longer,maybe just to smudge her lipstick, Kasha thought. Had Trey picked up his messyet? How many minutes had passed? Sparrow waswarm, hot even! And her mouth was as soft and lovely as Kasha had thought, evencompletely frozen in shock as she was. Just a bit more. Just so she couldremember and try not to be jealous that her brother might get to do thisforever and ever.

“KASHA!”

Breaking the kiss withSparrow was hard, keeping herself upright was a smidge harder. Her knees werewobbly, her legs wanting to collapse beneath her, the fit of butterflies in herstomach threatening to strangle her. And Sparrow, still bent, mouth half open,and a hand coming up to her lips, with Trey behind her, red-faced and comicallyhorrified, but whether from revealing his mess or from watching his sister makeout with his date, Kasha couldn’t quite tell.

She giggled,high-pitched, and head light from the kiss. She adjusted the straps of herpurse on her shoulder. "Um. Toodles," she said and slid out the frontdoor.

[covfeandtv]

My New Pot Plant

My New Pot Plant

I pride myself on the décor of my home. I live in a quaint suburban bungalow but it has the space and simplicity of floor plan to let me be creative. And, as it's just me here, I have the money to play around a little with it.

My most recent and enthusiastic addition is a new pot plant in the reception. The large south-facing windows make it an ideal habitat for something tall and green, and given that it's a relatively empty space for such a simple and undemanding function as receiving guests, it's simply asking for something to make for me a good impression.

It burned a bit of a hole in my wallet, but here it is: a beautiful Japanese Fruiticosa. Of the genome Polyscias Fruiticosa, it's a dwarf tree native to southeast Asia, standing roughly a meter and a half tall, with a slender and winding trunk and tufts of long, pointed leaves. I keep it in a corner beside the front door, cuddled between two windows to get it as much sunlight as possible, and in fine view of any visitors on entry. I spend some days pruning and arranging it, making sure that its soil is feeding it as best of nourishment as such a beauty would deserve, before I start thinking of inviting any associates over. I want to make sure that it's just right, and that it looks its best.

Dinner night comes. I've invited over a co-worker for a juniper and redcurrant lamb shanks with a beetroot and tomato borscht for entrée. But, of course, the highlight of our evening will be the unexpected presence of my new pot plant. I find myself as the minutes tick closer to his arrival, sat at the breakfast bar in my kitchen, lost in fantasies of his reaction. Of the wide intrigue and curiosity in his eyes; of the impressed regard he'd hold in me following. I can just hear the sweet tones of elation in his voice, and these thoughts have me so entranced that I nearly miss his knock at the door.

Shaking myself to attention after a brief moment for the knock to register, I give myself and my new pot plant a last check and arrangement in the reception before donning my most charming of smiles and opening my front door. My guest is stood prepared with a smile of his own, holding to his chest a very generous 2013 Chilean dry red, its label very deliberately in presentation, of which I receive with delight, even more so in knowing that his is in just a short moment sure to supersede mine. I make all of the polite fuss one should make of such a gift, and I step aside with a welcoming wave inside, beckoning to the rest of my home, and positioning surely to direct him towards the pièce de résistance: my new pot plant. And surely so, as I help him remove his coat, he sees it.

And that's it. Nothing else. Barely a fucking glance. As if it isn't even there. He just lets me take his coat, and turns away as if to even avoid acknowledging it!

I find myself stunned. Stood there holding his beige gabardine trench-coat, eyes in an unfocused fix on my new pot plant, my mind seeming to deny such a circumstance, and placing my consciousness on hold as it tries to figure it out. My trance is broken as he asks me where to put the wine. After a brief and vacant stare towards him, my voice finds me again. My confident and warm demeanour has slipped to one cold and insecure, but I suppose to at least try to salvage what I can from this failure of an evening and to try my best to present it with dignity and poise.

The meal goes by as well as I suppose it could have done, given the circumstances. Crushed and confused, I find myself almost incapable of listening to a word he says. This naturally kills a lot of conversation, but luckily for me he seemed impressed enough with his meal as to not need too much chatter. I hardly realise how quickly I drain his bottle of wine, and I have the second bought out before we even finish our main. By this point, my earlier defeat has been salved by a dumb alcoholic cloud, and I find myself limber and loose. But with this comes the looseness of my tongue also, and inevitably comes pouring the elephant in the room which he seems to have so blindly missed: his ignoring of my new pot plant.

It just sort of blurts out. How could you have missed it? Is it not glorious? Who do you think you are, to ignore something of such majesty and grandeur?! You come to my house! And you eat my food!! And you don't even have the decency to pay a basic respect to my prized and beloved new pot plant?!

He protests, but I persist. Before I know it, I have his coat, and his cuff, and I stop by on the way to the front door to introduce him to my new pot plant, before throwing him and his fancy coat out of the door, and leaving him with a flustered “go fuck your coat!!” before slamming shut the front door.

Back in the drawing room, I sit in my armchair, my sweet new pot plant parked between my knees, lovingly pruning and arranging its leaves with soothing coos and lullabies. After taking a long and deep drink, I drop the evening's third bottle of wine to the floor as I slump back, knocking my new pot plant, and committing the most reviled of sins as it's porcelain pot breaks into pieces against the hardwood. My world fades into a stuperous din with only the defiled sight of my object of pride occupying my mind before disappearing into the dark.

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW15

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s for the week.

WALSH

TRANSFERS:

OUT: N/A

IN: N/A

Saving after my little triple swap last week for -4. The squad looks decent enough for the weekend even with Jones dead on the bench. I still have Stephens and Dunk as cover in case rotation bites which feels okay. Two frees will give me the flexibility I need to sort out some problems next week. Pretty simple save this week for me.

GK:

Pope. Pope. Pope.

DEF:

Double Chelsea defense is in place with Azpil and Christensen. Looks and feels great.

I'm also running the double Burnley defense out again with SWard. At Leicester isn't a GREAT fixture but given how Burnley have looked I believe they are capable of keeping clean against any team.

MID:

Triple City stick around another week with Sane, Dilva, and Raz. A 3-5 goal game out of City would make me feel a lot calmer about owning these three so we'll see. Big game this weekend for them with relation to how I spend my two frees next week. REALLY could use Dilva getting on the scoresheet this weekend.

Finally, Salah goes again as usual. Been a steady staple in my team since I got him in on my WC ahead of GW4 and he's been incredible. Fresh off a rest he'll probably do great things again since he apparently just scores every game now.

FWD:

Kane, because of course.

Firmino is on borrowed time. He looks most likely to go next week, possibly even regardless of what he does against Brighton. I am also a little bit nervous he gets rested so he can go fresh in UCL but we'll see. If that happens just fucking fuck me up my ass. Really wouldn't stun me but all I can hope for at this point is he starts, does some things, and gets subbed on 70' or something. Just a fucking assist would do me. Come on Bob.

Finally, Niasse gets a start for me. Hoping that Big Fat throws him straight back in off his ban and sits DCL. Very tenuous, but, at least the fixture on paper is as good as it gets with Huddy looking a proper mess on the road lately. Even if he doesn't start, there is always the hope that he can return off the bench. He has done this season and his goals per minutes ratio is pretty stellar. Cheeky returns from him would be a massive coup for me this weekend so here's to hoping.

CAP:

Kane with Salah as vice. Gonna stick with my guns and stick with Harold as shouted on the pod and in last lambs. Really nothing new to say about this one that wasn't already discussed on the pod. At Watford could be a spanking. Harry on form. Let's go Harry.

ALON

TRANSFERS:

OUT: Jones :’(

IN: Tarkowski

My GW1 darling Phil Jones rest in fucking peace wow. Never thought he’d leave my side until he dies and here are we are - dead man out and Burnley in. I’m the latest / last person to the Burnley party so I’ve been very strongly rooting against them doing anything ever good but it’s time to just hop on the bandwagon a bit and go for it. They’re still putting up great defensive performances despite two non-cleans in a row. And while the King Power isn’t the ideal fixture for a clean, they have some pretty good ones coming up and legitimately can clean vs. anyone.

Downshifting Jones there also frees up money to do Vert to a Chelsea defender next week which seems good and on the cards.

Let’s do it Tark and ginger Mourinho.

GK:

DDG is in as usual.

People are all bugging about the Mourinho “parks a bus” meme type things with United having more goals then anyone other then city blah blah tired old same old narrative bullshit.

Mou parks in any match against a top 6 team (like Arsenal this week) is what happens... No he’s not dumb enough to be Tony Pulis parking against Newcastle and Brighton and Watford. Gimme a break. Just shut up and get me cleansheets then fuck right off. :).

DEF:

On paper some good guys - would be a formidable IRL back three if they were together but they’re not and I’m still expecting just like 0 and 1 pointers from all of my defenders until they stop doing that...

Vert gets his last chance to salvage something for me after 1, 1, 0 pointers like the true piece of fuck that he is. Keeping out Watford seems very unlikely so I’m just bracing for it. He will probably go to a Chelsea defender next week as I highlighted above in the transfer section.

Speaking of Chelsea defenders Christensen - the newest soupy bandwagon genius fucker - is straight in. Me and Walsh both bring him in for a clean??? That’s headline news as is, then followed by a price rise let’s fucking go. All the makings of someone about to be dropped and/or get an OG but I can ride the high for now. Maybe we both made a good pick!??!?!?!?

Lastly Tark new fellow. I was going to do Liverpool’s Gomez in instead who matches up really well with Duffy but I duno what happened - maybe my subconscious was like enough dude get a fucking Burnley defender. And I blacked out and now I have a Burnley defender... Either way it’ll be nice to not have to hide behind the couch (as Walsh would say) anytime Burnley are about to clean.

MID:

Despite the red arrows flowing downstream my attack has been actually kinda good / is kinda fine looking ahead... Defense is really where my transfers will be spent in the coming weeks, but I digress...

RLC goes at The Hawthorns which honestly seems great to me. WBA have been incredibly bad all season and we all know that Pardew is not about to make the defense any tighter. RLC I’m still at this point happy starting so get in there bud, love him, let’s go Palace.

I’m on Dilva and Sané too, no Sterling for me unfortunately, but man would it be good if either or both of these boys could return. PLEASE do something. Sané I need a boost of confidence that he’s a good pick and a good longterm hold in my side and Dilva just needs to stop taking HGH dick enlarging hormone injections and focus on FPL returns for me for one fucking week. Everyone and their mother has gotten rid of him - a return would just be glorious.

Richarlison not looking like getting dropped by me anytime soon, hit the post last week, could’ve done stuff against Manure. Not the best fixture this week or next but Vert will likely yellow-card foul him and he’ll return because fucking Spurs have been fucking Spursy lately - a term that I don’t like to use to be honest. But no other way to explain it in this moment.

Lastly Salah. Is he good? I think he’s good.

MOMO, MOMOMOMO, MOMOMOMO, MOMOMOMO SALAH!!!!!

FWD:

Don’t panic on Morata. I have him too and capped him too. It was shitty as fuck and I’m mad at him. But I’m mad at him in like a - he’s still my boyfriend and I still want to fuck him - kind of way not like a - I’m gonna hold a grudge and hate him forever - kind of way. He’s still a good pick, Chelsea still have an insane run, and he still seems very nailed, so let’s fuck. End of.

Kane is really good at football. He’s the only reliable forward in all of FPL. That’s good and I honestly cannot imagine not owning him. Let’s go.

CAP:

I’m on Kane (Salad vice as well). I think Watford is as good as it gets for a top side captaincy pick, we highlighted their record against the top six sides on the season. They’re like Huddersfield but if Huddersfield was full of good players - in the sense that they play very aggressively and attacking with a high line even against the top sides. It burns them.

It’s really a tossup between Salah and Kane but I duno, Liverpool’s biggest fixture of the season so far is not this weekend it’s the midweek UCL match where they need to get the job done and secure top spot. Maybe Salah comes off on 70 I don’t know.. I just don’t know.. the reasons that I’m coming up with to cap one over the other can easily be swapped the other way around so I don’t fucking know. Honestly flip a coin between them they’re both fucking good and the only two picks worth considering this week for me... Don’t trust a dog, flip one coin, with two sides, with Harry and Salad as the only options. Go on and good luck.