#my issue with it was The Sensation so if i'm asleep and can't feel it then No Problemo 👍

[gender-euphowrya]

YEA BOI!!!!!! SURGERY IN OCTOBER YAAAAAAAA

[max1461]

I'm really scared. Somebody please help me. I don't know what's going on, I don't know if it's in my brain, my head/neck, or somwhere else in my body.

Recap so people can help me:

Go to dentist nov 12 for fillings (upper teeth), after one particular anesthetic shot (front teeth) start to feel extremely weird

start to have crazy cognitive and physical symptoms which are too many to list. Some include:

facial pain, mostly from the cheeks up, throbbing pain in eyes, nose, and roof of mouth

inability to recognize other people's faces from cheeks up (only chin looks familiar)

eyes no longer in sync, left eye seems to move more slowly and not track things right

extremely vivid almost-hallucinations. I can tell they aren't real and that they're in my head, but they're right on the verge

almost-hallucinations are visual, auditory, smell and emotion. it's sort of like a mix with flashes of a bunch of different memories and thoughts at once, it's not coherent. many different smells, images, etc. flashing through my perception too fast to keep track of. kind of like a soup of different stuff. very scary and distracting

feels like every time I have a thought or memory, it comes up correctly in my mind at first, then it mixes into the soup and I can't get it back. it just becomes part of the soup

the imagery and so on often feels like it is "coming in from the sides", like coming in from both sides of my body/FOV/etc. it's happening all the time but when it gets really intense and starts to get "closer to the middle" I start burping continuously and uncontrollably. almost feels like I'm swallowing air and burping it back up again, but it's totally outside my control. sometimes I'm burping back to back for hours

when it gets REALLY bad it makes me throw up. sometimes just into my mouth and sometimes full on projectile vomit. would say this happens about every two or three days and the frequency has been increasing.

inability to do the following correctly: sneeze, swallow, vomit, orgasm. all feel like the same weird issue. like they start but don't really finish. so e.g. when I vomit it's like the top part of my throat is not involved? it feels very weird but like the muscles are only actuating part of the way up, and it's a very odd sensation. same when I swallow, like only part of the swallowing motion happens and the food is hard to get down because of this.

my factual recall and grasp of factual information seems to be 100% fine, no delusional beliefs etc. Even though I can't visually recall my memories (because the soup of imagery gets in the way) I can easily factually recall what happened. But I can't visualize anything correctly, I just get these crazy visuals instead

feel like I am not sleeping properly. feel like when I "go to sleep" it's just more of the visuals ALL NIGHT and I don't get any rest. basically feel like I am in a half-asleep half-awake state all the time.

I've gotten an MRI, nothing abnormal. Got an EEG, it was slightly abnormal with temporal lobe "sharp waves" but no seizures. Went on seizure meds for 4 months and it had no effect on symptoms. Got another EEG when my symptoms were really acting up and EEG was normal, at that point doctor decided to take me off seizure meds since the didn't seem to be doing anything and symptoms didn't seem correlated with EEG. Seeing another neuro next week. Intuitively it feels like something is wrong in my face, throbbing pain is CONSTANT and has been resistant to all pain meds, and that maybe if it went away I could think straight. not sure though.

Feels like there is a "hole", it's hard to explain but it feels like there's this gaping hole in my mind's eye, that's blocking my from thinking correctly and causing all this shit. And I feel it on my body to, idk where but I can feel this "hole" too. Maybe some kind of fucked up nerve in my face or something? If anyone has any thoughts or could help me with any of this please let me know.

[drearycrow]

Hi, i absolutely love your writing! Um, gathering the courage to ask, with Kunikida, comfort (me towards him) , perhaps combined with loss of virginity?....the mind is a strange monkey . Anyway, thank you for what you've written so far!

Notes: I'm glad you like my writing! I love writing about Kunikida. I don't see much appreciation for him. Why is writing smut so hard? NSFW warning mdni!

You and Kunikida have been dating for a year now. It's a happy relationship but you two haven't been intimate. Kunikida wants to be closer with you but he's a virgin. He's nervous to bring it up to you. Kunikida spends a week trying to muster up the courage to bring it up to you.

You and Kunikida walk home together after a long day at work. The commute home was silent. Kunikida would occasionally glance at you but didn't say a word. Today was the day to bring up his issue. He was quite nervous about it. Once you two arrive home, Kunikida grabs your shoulder. "Hey can we please talk for a minute?" You turn your head to see a stern look on his face. "What is it that you want to talk about?" He sits down on the couch and pats the empty seat next to him. You sit down and look at him. Kunikida closes his eyes, lets out a sigh before speaking up. "I want to get closer with you but there's something holding me back. I um..." He rubs the back of his neck as a blush appears on his cheeks. "I've never slept with anyone before. I want you to be my first." His cheeks are visibly pink and he looks away to hide his embarrassment. You smile at him and you grab his chin to make him look at you. "Hey it's alright, I would love to be your first. Kunikida smiles back at you and gives you a kiss.

It's been an hour since you've had your conversation. Kunikida has you laying on your stomach as he pounds away. He didn't expect it to feel amazing. His movements are slow yet rough at the same time. This newfound sensation is driving him crazy. The way you moan is music to his ears. Your head gets shoved into the pillow as he gets more rough. "Ngh- you're squeezing me tight, my love. Can't get enough of it?" You start to moan louder when he hits your sweet spot. He takes it as a good sign and continues to hit it. "Kunikida I'm close..." You barely managed to babble out. You bite the pillow to suppress the moan but that hardly did anything. "Me too..." His fingers grip tightly on your hips, leaving crescent shaped marks on them. With a loud grunt, Kunikida spills inside you. You finish shortly after him. Both of you breathe heavily trying to come down from the intense orgasm. Kunikida slowly pulls out hissing from the sensitivity. He lays down next to you and pulls you closer to him. You lay your head down on his chest, hearing his heart race. "I love you, my dear." He kisses the top of his head. "I love you too." Both of you fall asleep shortly after, happy that you've grown closer.

[hrrtshape]

Heyy it's me! So I wanted to ask what to do if it feels like nothing works for me, i started shifting in November, I don't think I've gotten close, but hey I really need to shift😁 Like REALLY I'm FUCKING cooked if I won't shift untill the summer of the 2025, I could just kms at that point... So for a bit of context when I tried to shift my sleep was rlly rlly bad like super fucking bad, I once just set the intention THAT'S IT, and I COULDN'T FALL ASLEEP FOR A WHOLE NIGHT. And I literally can't do method for more then 10 minutes, I mean I do feel something, sensations, but then I'm like "Allrightttt.... What's next?" And kind of frustrated opening my eyes just to see CR. And btw not so long ago I had a lucid dream + a regular dream (it was abt my DR ehheh) so I'm deciding why don't I try to shift... I'm doing something, this LOUD noise in my ears start ringing but I wasn't afraid it was just ANNOYING... Then I see some indian guy telling me something, I look outside and see number, and cine in lucid dream you can't really read words / numbers, I'm looking away from my window and once more. Yep it is lucid dream. But when I was "shifting" I heard my mom's voice... ooo... Was I close to shift? So yh that's it my main question was I close and what do I do since I really REALLY need to shift. Thank you and love you!!! I hope this time sm1 replies to me cuz bfr it is my 6th time

you are so close it’s actually a bit disgusting. like, filth. i need a wet wipe. the indian man (love him, by the way, he is the moment.) the ringing...mhm. that’s all signs of you literally pressing your nose against the window of your dr, and you’re looking inside like a victorian child at a bakery. but then you get frustrated and start licking the window instead of just walking in. stop that. it’s weird. not hygienic !!!

NOW. the sleep issue. body in CR: goblin on redbull but mind in DR: malnourished poet fainting in the snow. you gotta trick your little rat brain. no more thinking of shifting like a grand event. we are doing this casually. method for 10 minutes, too much expectation. set the intention, then just… exist. rot. imagine you are simply a girl, lying on a bed, waiting for the narrative to shift like the plot of a novel. you ever read camus? you ever think about how meursault just went along with whatever? do that. shift like a nihilist. OH WAIT SHIFTING POST IDEA

what do you do next? absolutely nothing. why do you think you need to be a boy scout earning a badge? you don’t need to do tasks. shifting is like falling asleep. you just let it happen. you don’t sit there like a bureaucrat waiting for the next step. you lie there and let your mind decay into madness. the moment you feel something, that is it. accept it. surrender to it. let it consume you like an unpaid internship.

final thought. you WILL shift before summer 2025. do you hear me?!?!?!??!?!?! you will. it is already written. in the stars, in the fabric of the universe, on some weird guy’s basement chalkboard. i would literally bet my kneecaps on it (actually WAIT). now go. stop thinking. go be insane. go shift

[karlachismylife]

How do you think the 141 feels about weed?

Oh buddy, I'm sure there are people on this site that can give you a better answer, cuz weed is very much illegal in my country, and I fumbled my two-three chances to get in on the fun cuz I have actually quite the law-abiding friend circle (meaning I am the only one who ever got arrested and that was for protesting, yeah), so I actually have very limited understanding what's it like. But I do have internet and I am watching media, so I'll try to think about it.

CW: weed smoking, just in case, mentions of addiction

I feel like Ghost would actually benefit from it a lot. Once he gets stabilized without it and stops seeing nightmares every night, he can actually enjoy the relaxed state it puts him in, all the yelling in his brain dumbed down to a white noise static. It's not a reliable treatment for PTSD, but it works to just slow him down and get him out of the constant sympathetic nervous system response. He would be wary of the negative effects though, cuz even one bad sesh can fuck him up BAD. And also he probably has a few tons of baggage about any drug use considering his backstory, but I like a "actually got a grip on it and not falling apart anymore" Ghost, so he's worked through the most painfull issues already. So yeah, Ghost - sometimes smoking for medical reasons (maybe he even thinks it's better than taking too many pills). And he mostly just gets eepy from it.

Price one hundred percent smoked when he was younger. Probably with Nikolai, lol, that man just saw this green Lieutenant with the weight of the whole world on his shoulders and decided to help poor baby John out by loosening him up a bit. That came out wrong, but also right, oops. It's totally about that fucking stress of constant responsibility, the heaviness of allllll the decisions he had to make, and the never-ending grind to be even better. Now, I think, he's not too keen on it, cuz it just leaves him sloppier, all that filtration system in his body working a little worse (probably from all the times he got toxins in his system and nearly overdosed on pills to keep himself in working condition instead of taking a break), so it just has too long of an effect to his liking. He's relaxing with a normal cigar and whiskey or a pint now, it just more controllable for him. But if you manage to get him on vacation or something, he won't refuse probably. Might actually just fall asleep, but mostly it has effect on his body, it just visibly relaxes. Probably takes off some of that back pain too.

Gaz would be on the fence morally about it, cuz he just has the strictest moral code out of them all in my opinion, in the sense that he doesn't want to bend his own rules (but he totally can bend someone else's). So he might've been apprehensive about weed at first, but once he built a more nuanced worldview, he probably started considering it not that big of a deal, maybe not evil at all. Probably not embracing it to the point of regularly having, but if you're having fun, he'll have fun too. I also love rave scene Gaz, so when he's on leave he's probably even more chill about it. I do think he would prefer edibles though. Ohhh bake him some special brownies! That's what he can't say no to. He's even more fun when he's high, but sometimes a switch clicks and he gets into some deep philosophical shit (that actually makes sense, because he's too smart). Talks for three hours straight, gets his throat sore and tongue dry, makes references to ancient greek phlosophers, marxism and Albert Camu. Probably ends up making out with someone who didn't get half of what that man just said, but wow, how did he say that...

Soap is the one who should NEVER have access to weed, but you look away for a moment and he's chewing on an edible. His ADHD gets horrible under influence, he can't keep a train of thought even for two minutes, his body isn't hyperactive, but his mind is just a whirlwind of colours, sounds, impulses and sensations. He's the "show him a finger and watch him laugh to tears for fifteen minutes straigt " type, but if he keeps adding more on top of what he consumed just now, he might actually harm himself. He'll just lose control and spiral with all the impulsiveness and confusion of an uninhibited ADHD brain, and he knows that, so he's never doing it alone just to be safe, poor baby. Draws A LOT while he's high, actually, and it looks different from his usual sketches. He might actually like the weed ones more, so it's a possible incentive for him to keep consuming. I wouldn't say he's addicted or anything, but he has obvious troubles with self-control.

[leviafin]

Big Fish Phantom Shifts

Phantom shifts are often kind of "in the way" for a lot of people. Wings clipping through or bumping into walls. Antlers or horns bonking things. Tails being annoying to deal with when faced with the back of a chair... You get it. I have... a definite problem with this in a very similar way, but it's different than any of the guys in my system with phantom shifts. Namely because I'm a very fucking long fish, made for open water.

My tail at its shortest? Easily 3x the height of my body, if not more. It replaces my legs when I get a phantom shift and I definitely rely on using my cane more in those moments because my legs feel a lot less "real" than they should, and I always feel at more risk of tripping or taking a step wrong. I can still feel my human legs, sure, but they kind of become an afterthought and less present in my mind. Kind of dissociated, less a part of me and more a part of... Something else.

I don't directly feel every inch of my phantom tail though either--more like... There's a sense of there should be a sensation there. I don't feel much aside from where it should connect and curve away from my human body--everything else is a lot less physical. The sense of "this should have feeling" means I don't get hurt or any real direct sensation from it interacting or not fitting in physical objects properly, but it's still a sense of mental discomfort. A sense of "I shouldn't be able to fit here", or a sense of "this should be kinda painful". If I'm in a space where I can't make a logical conclusion to where my tail could possibly fit in a comfortable way, it's like a nagging at the back of my brain telling me to move. Even though I can't physically feel where my tail is or that it would be uncomfortable, my brain knows I shouldn't be able to be in whatever position it is that I'm currently in, and urges me to get to somewhere more comfortable ASAP.

Even though it doesn't cause much physical distress, the tail being so long makes it incredibly annoying when dealing with shifts in the body and performing daily tasks. Walking around outside? Oops, that car just ran over my tail, that should probably hurt. That guy is standing in it, okay sure. It doesn't fit into the car I'm in and my brain can't figure out what to do with that information.

I try to do things in my house? The thing hardly fits in my room, let alone on my bed. Turning around corners can be annoying because my brain will scream about how I'm turning in a way that would hurt my tail. Sitting on a couch is the same issue as the bed. Oops, the dog just walked up and fell asleep where my tail should be, that's bound to have some sort of discomfort.

It's overall not the biggest issue, it's manageable, but it's a weird psychological thing that bugs me sometimes. I'm glad I don't have physical sensation in it because that would be impossible to manage, but having the mental push of "this isn't right, your tail can't fit here" still is... An Experience to have. Most other people in my system can feel a large portion of their phantom limbs, but it honestly makes sense as to why I can't feel mine in the same way--I just literally wouldn't fit in human society. In both of my forms (vast/hunt leviathan and Sebastian Solace), my body is made for open water, not houses, stores or cars.

[thelostgirl21]

So, I learned something new about "skinny white men" today, and I wasn't ready!

Basically, there's this video of 3 gay men trying to figure out who the secret bottom is in a group of 5 other gay dudes.

And, around the 1:45 mark, one of them goes:

"I'm going to say that he's a top, only because... I don't know if people know this about skinny white men, they tend to..."

While the other guy is like "I was thinking the same thing..."

And the one in the middle is confused going "What?"

And I'm right there with him, because the very moment they said "skinny white men" my mind immediately went to this character:

And now, it's clear that I've absolutely got to know why they think "skinny white men" tend to make especially great top material, apparently. For headcanons science, you know?

And I have no idea what I was expecting (if you want to listen to the episode before I spoil the answer for you, go watch it now)...

...but skinny white men having such long dicks that it's like extra appendages wasn't it!

And then, them appreciatively going "there's something good under there" while more or less hoping that he's a top, so he can put it to use more often, just about killed me!

Later, around the 6:35 mark, when they are asking him about what his favorite positions are, he's also the only one that answers "laying down doggy style" (and actually has to explain what that means).

"Laying down doggy style" (also called "flat doggy style") has a few variations but, in the way he's explaining it (i.e. completely lying down on top of his partner), it reduces the depth of penetration, and apparently some bottoms love it, because the weight of their partner on top of them basically feels like they have this warm, comforting, "heavy blanket" covering them during sex.

So it's... actually a very good choice for someone who enjoys topping, has a really long dick (therefore losing some penetration depth won't be an issue) and who is skinny enough that they can fully lie down on top of their partner without crushing them under their weight!

So... while he never confirmed if what they said about "skinny white men" was true, let's just say that his answer is suspiciously compatible with the stereotype!

And now, I've apparently decided that "Yup! Radovid is going to totally fit that skinny white man stereotype, too!", because I really can't help but think that it would be kind of one of the most perfect sexual positions for Radovid and Jaskier!

Assuming, of course, that Jaskier enjoys bottoming (my headcanon is that he does, although more as a verse than as a strict bottom... I'd tend to really see Radovid as a verse, too), having Radovid's full (or near full) weight on top of him while they are having sex, with Radovid being able to nibble on his ears, kiss his neck, fully embrace him, bodies flush against each others, and being extra cuddly and affectionate is definitely something I could see them both doing and greatly enjoying.

And yeah, it does nicely tie into my "Jaskier has ADHD" headcanon, because as someone with ADHD myself, I'm literally obsessed about the sensation of being "squished", and respond extremely well to deep pressure therapy/stimulation (I recently discovered a 15 lbs open weave knit weighted blanket that I use every night to fall and stay asleep, and wonder how I've ever been able to manage without it!).

This article about ADHD love languages has a very nice way of phrasing it:

Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body—Physical Touch ‘Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body’ is often better known as applying deep pressure.  Techniques like deep-pressure hugs can often be incredibly soothing, instilling feelings of security, comfort, and safety in a loved one. What it means to someone neurodivergent: Although deep pressure is not only for neurospicy folks, they tend to enjoy and need it more than neurotypical people. The deep pressure from a tight hug, a weighted blanket, etc., helps produce feel-good hormones, such as oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, and decreases stress hormones like cortisol.

And with everything they've both been through and seen, I've no doubts that Jaskier and Radovid likely both suffer from some form of PTSD.

And maybe there are nights where Jaskier has a particularly hard time falling asleep, and/or keeps waking up because he's having nightmares, and they've discovered that having Radovid affectionately make love to him in that position really helps soothe Jaskier's nervous system, helps him relax, and simply floods his body with "love" and "feel good" hormones, so he's then able to actually fall asleep and spend a good night.

Of course, they likely wouldn't know the whole science behind why it's working, but they'd be able to observe the effects it has on Jaskier.

And given how Jaskier's body looks physically "cushier" than Radovid's, I'm guessing that Radovid would be much more comfortable and happier being the one lying down on top of him in those moments, too.

Like if the boys are going to go for the suspended congress position, I'd fully expect Jaskier to do the lifting and topping!

But if they're going flat doggy style, Radovid just might be Jaskier's perfect top!

[larytello]

I don't see enough people (none at all) talking about these specific "the challenge of sleeping when it's way too hot" issues: People with sensory issues and people with physical "I have no control over it" issues.

Let me explain bc this is what's happening to me these last nights and it's making me exhausted all day long simply because I seem to NOT HAVE A SINGLE GOOD NIGHT OF SLEEP as of lately with all this heat. Under "keep reading" because it got a little longer than I expected.

1- I'm not sure if this should be counted as a sensory issue bc neurotypicals around me often invalidate it, but I don't sleep well if I'm not covered. Like, I don't feel safe, my brain just absolutely REFUSES to relax to allow me to rest. I need a cover, a blanket, no matter if it's big/heavy/fluffy or just the thinnest bedsheet ever - I just need something OVER me in order to feel ok enough to sleep comfortably. And this is a big issue™ when it's way too fucking hot at night and you can't cover yourself without melting in a sweat puddle sticking to your bed in a matter of a few minutes.

"Well, if it's so hot, you can turn on the fan or an AC if you got one!" Aaaaaand that's where we get into issue #2

2- Everytime I fall asleep, since forever, both my eyes and my mouth hang open. Really. My eyes stay half open when I sleep and I spend ALL FUCKING NIGHT not blinking as much as I should - they shouldn't even stay open when I sleep at all so there's that too. It's a wonder how I still don't need glasses and my sight is still somewhat perfect tbh. And of course there's nothing I can do about it. I'm asleep for fucks sake.

But then again, what happens when you have a fan or an AC on you while you sleep with eyes and mouth hanging open and you can't consciously keep them fucking shut as they should? They DRY. THEY FUCKING DRY. I wake up with eyes and throat stinging, dry saliva on the corners of my lips actively hurting them because when I move my lips upon waking up, they crack the skin and it HURTS as a bitch. I need to blink for several minutes, sometimes use eyedrops to help with my eyes, they hurt a lot too. And I hate the sensation of those eyedrops. They "taste" bad in my eyes.

So literally, during tropical summer plus global warming and the weather going crazier EVERY PASSING YEAR, every night is a not funny game of choosing if I keep the fan on and sleep with a cover (which makes me still feel like I'm melting even with the fan on me 🥵), or do I sleep without a cover for the temperature to be tolerable but then my body refuses to relax and I can't sleep well one way or another???? Btw I'm poor, my house doesn't have an AC, but I tried to sleep with an AC at my aunt's several times and I couldn't fucking SPEAK the next day. Which is a damn problem when you're a teacher.

And people wonder why I'm exhausted all day long lately. No wonder, I can't sleep well. Even if the fan is not directed to my head, the wind still goes around in the room and the slightest breeze is enough to dry my eyes when I'm not blinking them BECAUSE I AM ASLEEP.

Not to mention I'm currently STILL the sole provider of income to this house of three since 2019 by selling commissions (and I'm a slow artist at that) and only this year I got a "job" as an English teacher but I'm not paid not even a minimum wage because it's not an "official" job, it's more like internship and I get paid a certain amount for each class I teach in the period. It's nowhere near enough to cover the house bills, food and cleaning supplies (and medicine), I'm now panicking thinking about how Summer didn't even REALLY start yet here in Brazil but I'm already dreading the energy bills to come these next months as we're keeping two fans on in the house at almost all times. Also I don't get paid by the end of December and January because there's no classes to teach in this period. And still gotta wait to finally get paid by the end of February after teaching all month long. Three months without money while the Summer fries us and the bills will skyrocket.

Thank you big corporates who didn't give a fucking shit about global warming warnings in the previous decades, thank you global leaderships who keep doing those beautiful meetings with heartfelt speeches about how we need plans and action to slow down and/or cease the impeding doom but never did anything for real. It's always all words and no action. Guess you never thought you'd live to see the consequences of your lack of actions, huh? There's been a SANDSTORM in the Amazon Rainforest and the rivers are drying out killing animals AND PEOPLE and there hasn't been any rain in the RAINFOREST for over a month. The North and Northeast of South America are dying so hot it's been and it just keeps getting hotter. Two days straight Brasil beats its own record of energy consumption. Congratulations, really, you done fantastically fucked up I can't even think of words to describe it.

I've been awake for two hours and half and my eyes are still stinging.

[samkerrworshipper]

thanks for letting me know :) I was planning to go to sleep a little after 1 but I might get distracted and still be awake when you release it (my sleep schedule is disastrous atm)

I don't know if you will be able to answer this but you've been helpful with other endo questions. I get really bad period cramps but can't use a heat-pack because it makes me feel nauseous due to having a sensitive stomach. I've been thinking of buying a tens machine to alleviate the pain but I'm worried it will be too intense on my stomach. So I was wondering how intense the sensation is? Also are tens machine as effective at alleviating pain as advertised (I've seen a number of people say they barely feel the cramps while using it) because if so then I'm willing to put up with the nausea.

i can relate to the sleep schedule issues and can confirm i will be asleep by the time the fic drops

in relation to the tens machine! i already had one thanks to gymnastics injuries so gave it a try and found it worked really well for me! they seem scary but can be super effective for some people! if there is an option, id recommend borrowing one from a friend if they have one and just giving it a try (obviously this isn’t an option for everybody) for me i leave it on a pretty low setting

it’s not the most effective form of pain management for me but it can be relieving and especially if you can’t handle heat packs it could be a good form of pain management!

other kinds of devices i use are ultrasound therapy wands, which is just another device i got from gymnastics that i find can help! cupping and acupuncture are also super helpful if you know somebody who offers it!

[couldntbedamned]

Goodbye Grey Sky, Hello Blue - 34

Summary: In an alternate universe where trains and zeppelins are still common forms of travel and the internet and cell phones exist, nineteen year old Peter Parker has few options left after he’s swindled out of his inheritance. Unable to pay for college, let alone keep the house left to him by his deceased aunt, he’s running out of time before he’s out on the streets. Desperate, Peter signs his life over to the Bureau of Civic Spousal Selections to take his chances as the selected husband of a complete stranger. After all, he only has to make it through a year and then he can choose to annul.

Dr. Stephen Strange has little interest in marriage, preferring to focus on his career. When his career is threatened by what a nosy board of directors considers a “lack of personal fulfillment and settling down,” he opts to select a spouse through the BCSS and chooses Peter Parker. The young man’s profile he’d briefly skimmed suggests intelligence and compatibility. It’s not ideal, but if after a year it’s not working out, he can always annul the marriage and send Peter on his way.

It’s a marriage neither truly wants, with sharp learning curves for both. It’s either going to be forever or it’s going to go down in flames.

Warnings/AO3 Tags: 18+ MINORS DNI, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 1950s/Modern Fusion, Doctor Stephen Strange, Jewish Peter Parker, Peter Parker is an Adult, Marriage of Convenience, Marriage Contracts, Government Sanctioned Marriages, Domestic Discipline, Dubiously Consensual Spanking, Spanking, Aftercare, Mildly Dubious Consent, Dubious Morals, Dubious Ethics, Asshole Stephen Strange, Smartass Peter Parker, Passive Aggressive Canned Soup, Two Morons Trying to Try Their Best, Borrowing Characters

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Chapter 34

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He woke at four and was quiet as he dressed and left Peter asleep in their suite.

He’d grab a cup of coffee on the road - he had a long day ahead of him.

Only he was greeted at the front door by Tony and Sharon, both wide awake despite the hour. Tony, he’d expected to be awake since the man had the worst sleeping habits of anyone he’d ever met but Sharon?

“Heartburn,” she said in answer to his questioning eyebrow. “And I wanted to give you this.”

She handed him a nondescript black mobile.

“CSB issue, untraceable,” she said. “There will be an identical car at the midway point.”

“Thank you,” he said. “I appreciate your help with this.”

“And that’s our stopping point,” Sharon said with a small smile. “Plausible deniability if worse comes to worst.”

“I’ll be back this afternoon,” he assured them. “Call me if anything comes up. And please,” he looked at Tony. “Take care of Peter.”

“We will,” Tony said. “He’ll be fine.”

He wasn’t used to waking up without Stephen next to him. It only happened once or twice a month - usually because of an overnight or early-morning emergency - since they’d married and he didn’t like the sensation.

At least Stephen had left a note for him.

Peter,

I’ve left for my meeting. I’ll return sometime before this evening. Behave.

Stephen

He rolled his eyes at the last line. When didn’t he behave? Sure, he had his moments every now and then but all in all, he didn’t cause Stephen or anyone else problems.

He showered and, realizing that Stephen had left before putting the cage back on him, locked himself back up before he dressed and went to eat breakfast.

He’d gotten used to the feel of it.

Sharon was in the morning room, drinking a cup of hot tea and eating a warmed chocolate croissant that both looked and smelled delicious.

"Good morning," she greeted. "Did you sleep well?"

"Better than I woke up," he admitted. "It's weird, not waking up before Stephen. Thankfully it doesn't happen that often."

Sharon smiled, took another sip of the tea. "I can't relate," she said. "Tony's sleep schedule is so varied and thanks to my past life I'm a light sleeper." She winced and touched the side of her baby bump. "And this one doesn't seem to think much of sleep, either."

"More kicking practice?" Peter asked.

She nodded, still rubbing. "My internal organs are at Baby Starter's mercy."

Peter surveyed the sideboard and filled his plate with cut fruit, eggs, and fried potatoes. "Do you want anything?" He asked her.

"I wouldn't say no to some of the fruit," she said. "It actually goes pretty well with this damned leaf water Tony keeps foisting on me."

Peter dished some of the fruit onto a small plate and carried it over along with his own. He even poured himself a cup of tea in solidarity.

"In his defense it is good tea," he said after trying it. He’d never minded hot tea though coffee was definitely more aromatic.

She nodded reluctantly. "It really is. We're not telling Tony that, however."

“I’ll take the secret to my grave,” he teased. “He’s left for the office then?”

“He left just before seven this morning. There’s a board meeting he rescheduled since I’m due any day now and he wanted the meeting out of the way.” She glanced at the tennis bracelet watch she wore. “He should be back just after noon.”

“Well, I’m not a genius inventor but I’m happy to visit with you.”

“You’re too sweet for words, Peter,” she said, eyes suspiciously bright.

He couldn’t help but chuckle. “It’s funny - before I got married, that definitely wasn’t a sentiment that was applied to me very often. Maybe I’ve mellowed.”

“Oh? What would have been applied to you, then?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “‘Smartass’ and ‘wise guy’ were popular ones. One time my Aunt May’s friend Gilda called me ‘saucy’.” He smirked. “Stephen calls me a brat, but I’m pretty sure he actually likes that about me.”

“He does,” Sharon confirmed. “He really does.”

It was a lazy morning, spent out by the pool with both of them ensuring they were adequately protected with sunscreen, even though they weren’t swimming.

“Are you sure you don’t want to take a dip?”

Peter shook his head and turned a page in his book. “No, I’m good. With my luck I’d drown and then there would be an investigation and publicity, and then Stephen would have a bad day…”

Sharon laughed and then cried out. “Ah!”

Peter sat up quickly. “What’s wrong?”

She didn’t say anything, just rubbed her bump, wincing. “Just really active today.”

“Do you want to go inside?”

She started to shake her head and then abruptly nodded. “Yes, I think that would be best.”

Peter helped her up and was about to escort her back inside when he noticed the puddle on the ground beneath the lounge chair and that the back bottom of her yellow caftan was soaked.

Oh, hell.

“We need to call Tony,” he said.

Sharon pulled out her mobile from the pocket of her caftan.

Peter sat her down on a chair after placing a thick towel on it as cover and then pulled out his own mobile to message Stephen.

He heard Sharon speaking to someone at the office, her voice testy.

“I’m aware that he’s in a board meeting. Do you really think I’d be calling if it wasn’t an emergency?” She paused. “Listen. Just get me Pepper. Now.”

“Pep? My water just broke. I’m here at the mansion with Peter. I know Tony’s in with the board, but if you could pass on the message, that would be great.”

She looked at Peter after hanging up. “Tony will be here in probably fifteen minutes.” She smirked as she rested a hand on her bump. “Pepper will be on the warpath if the board even thinks about trying to hold him up.”

“Do we need to call for a driver to take us to the hospital?”

“No, Tony will drive us once he gets here. What I need is help getting into some dry clothes and my go-bag. Can you help me with that?”

Peter was scrambling for the owner’s suite before she even finished the question.

He came back with a dry pink caftan (had she just bought the same thing in multiple colors?), the matching cushioned slippers, and a stuffed overnight bag.

“Oh, there should be one in the nursery, as well,” Sharon said, accepting the dry clothing. “Sorry, my mind is everywhere at the moment.”

“Hey, it’s okay. Tony will be here soon and everything will be great,” Peter said. He left off for the nursery and found the bag waiting on the rocking chair next to the bay window.

When he came back Sharon was still in the soaked gown and clutching her back.

“Can you help me, please?”

He blushed but nodded.

Painfully embarrassed, Peter helped Sharon pull off the yellow caftan and slip on the pink. He could have died when she asked about dry undergarments, but he raced up and back to blindly grab a pair. He kept his eyes averted as he helped her out of the ruined pair and into the dry.

“Are you going to make it?” She asked, once she was decent.

Still blushing, he nodded. “Yes, but let’s maybe not tell Stephen about this?”

“I promise you, he won’t care, but yes, this can stay between us.” She chuckled and then winced, gripping her side.

Tony needed to get here now, he thought.

He wished Stephen was here, too.

What on earth could be more important than this?

The drive to the state of Middle California was uneventful, even with stopping at a shopping center, making a ridiculous few purchases, and swapping vehicles. He'd have to ask Sharon if spy-work was always so boring. He had a feeling the answer was yes.

He drove to a sleepy little suburban block, pulling up to a neat little ranch style brick house with white shutters and a tidy lawn. He parked behind the serviceable Bel Air and kept a pleasant smile on his face when a pretty woman answered the door.

Her honey brown hair was pulled away from her face with a head band that matched the lacy apron she wore over her pink and white gingham dress.

"Vinnie! We're so glad you could make it," she greeted. "Come on in, Rusty is in the kitchen."

Vinnie?

Bemused, he let her urge him inside, noting the secure click of the door lock behind him.

"You even get mail here?" he asked, noticing the bundle in her hand.

The woman rolled her eyes. "My partner enjoys coming up with his covers," she said, the advert-ready smile fading into something more natural as he led him back to the kitchen. A man sat at the table, a laptop in front of him. "I'm SSA Bobbi Morse but the people around here know me as Katelin Frayer, homemaker and shuffleboard enthusiast."

Stephen did smile at that.

"I take it you're Rusty?" he asked the man.

"Rusty Peltzer," he said. He wore a mechanic's jumpsuit that had oil stains in several places and sturdy black boots that had Stephen wincing in sympathy for the carpet if he didn't bother taking them off before walking in the rest of the house. Peter would probably murder him if he ever tried something like that - especially in their dining room. "Otherwise known as SSA Lance Hunter."

Stephen glanced around the kitchen. "Not a bad set-up, I'm assuming."

Lance shrugged. "It's suiting our purposes for the time being," he said. "And given our CO's attachment to this case they've sprung for just about anything we could need."

"Carter mentioned something about that," he said.

"How is Sharon?" Bobbi asked. "I miss going on missions with her. It's hard to believe I'll be retired just like her in a couple of years."

"She's glowing," he said. Sure, these agents knew her, but he wasn't going to give them specifics. Doctor-Patient confidentiality and all.

Lance snorted. "She's probably been ready to pop the tyke out since she got up the duff."

Well, the man wasn't wrong about that. (Did Sharon and Peter think they were the only two people making cross-country mobile calls? He'd talked with Tony plenty.)

"That kid is going to be something the world isn't ready for," Bobbi said. "A Stark is one thing, but adding in Sharon's genetics?" She shook her head with a fond smile.

"Probably," Lance agreed. He shut the laptop and focused on Stephen. "So, we have a civilian in our base that apparently wants a meeting with one of the CSB's most wanted. Why? Why should we trust you?"

"Sharon vouched for him," Bobbi reminded Lance.

"Sure, but why? Why do you care what the CSB does with Quentin Beck?"

"Back in August I selected a spouse through the BCSS," Stephen started.

"And we're happy for you," Lance cut in.

"My spouse was only with the BCSS because he was targeted by Beck and lost everything. Beck ruined his life. I suppose I want to ask the man why."

"I can tell you why. The man's a psychopath," Lance said flippantly.

"We can let you talk to him, but you can't hurt him," Bobbi said. "And we're not leaving you alone with him, either."

"He's just going to lie," Lance told Stephen. "He's damn good at it."

Stephen pulled out a small leather case from his inside jacket pocket and handed it to Bobbi.

"I'm not worried about him lying."

Bobbi opened the case and her eyes went wide. "Well damn, Doc."

Curious, Lance stood so he could peer at the contents of the case. "I suppose it takes all kinds," he said.

It surprised the hell out of Peter that Tony was so calm.

The man had arrived and driven the three of them not to a hospital like he'd been expecting, but a birthing center. Sharon was shown to a suite that was a mix of something out of a science fiction comic and one of those Graceful Housekeeping magazines his Aunt May used to read.

"No hospital?" he asked Tony as a nurse got Sharon settled.

Tony shook his head. "We did all the research and Sharon's obstetrician has attending privileges here. They focus on the mother, not just the baby." He smiled. "And Stephen already gave his seal of approval, even though he trusts Sharon's doctor implicitly."

Peter nodded. "Sorry, I just, I don't know... I've been worried. I'm not trying to be a pain."

"You're not a pain and honestly, it's kind of nice that I'm not the frazzled one. I know I've been driving Sharon nuts with all of my plans and contingencies but now that we're finally here I'm actually steady."

Peter snorted. "You're not the one who has to do all the hard work."

"Oh, and she'll never let me forget it, I'm sure," Tony agreed. He clapped a hand on Peter's shoulder. "Thanks for taking care of her today. It means more to me than I can say."

“She’d do the same for me,” Peter said.

The nurse called Tony back to the alcove where Sharon was resting on the maternity bed and after choosing a selection from the bookcase's offerings, Peter took a seat in one of the suite's recliners. He wasn't sure just how interesting Foundation would be, but it had to be a better read than Prenatal Perineal Secrets: How to Stretch for Success.

He wasn't sure just what his part in today would be but he figured if either of them needed coffee or a listening ear, he could provide that.

Bobbi led him down to the basement where in a locked room, sat the man who'd unknowingly changed Stephen's life.

Quentin Beck was about what he was expecting. Although he was bound to the steel chair Stephen could tell that the man was tall. Even though his dark hair was in need of a wash and his beard a good trim, it was easy to see how others would find him handsome and charming. His eyes, though... Beck's eyes weren't right.

"A visitor!" the man said with false cheer. "And here I thought this place didn't have all the amenities." He looked to Morse. "I'm not interested in talking."

"You don't have a choice," she said.

"And who are you?" Beck asked, sneering. "And why should I talk to you?"

"My name is Dr. Stephen Strange. I'm married to Peter Parker."

"Oh, a doctor?," Beck drawled. "My word, little Petey really did land on his feet, didn't he? I wondered just where he'd disappeared off to. I'd been hoping I could track him back down once all of this is over."

Stephen didn't like the sound of that at all. Beck would never get near Peter again.

"He has a good life now," Stephen said. "Unlike what you're going to have."

"Keep telling yourself that," Beck said with a snort. "I have friends in high places."

Bobbi let out a laugh. "Is that what you think? You're going into a deep, dark hole and never coming back out."

"She's right," Lance said, coming down the stairs to join them.

"We'll see." The man shrugged as much as his bindings allowed and focused his attention back on Stephen. "So, go ahead and ask me what you want to ask."

"Why Peter? Why target someone who was all but broke?"

Beck laughed. "Are you joking? That kid was worth millions and would have been worth so much more. That organic bandage that he talked about in his paper on wound care was going to change everything - I saw the scars from where he tested it on himself. It wasn't just a theory. But he never wrote the damn formula down. I tried everything I could think of to get him to part with it - I even tried to seduce him. The damned brat was just too damned stubborn and insistent on waiting for that special someone. So, I cut my losses and took his money instead: his aunt's life insurance payout and the keys to access his parents' five million dollar CSB payouts when the time came."

All of what Beck said caught Stephen's attention but he focused on the last part. "His parents weren't agents," he said. They'd been administrative workers, according to Peter's profile. Sure, there would have been life insurance but millions?

Beck snorted. "The CSB likes to give its agents cover stories, but Richard and Mary Parker were operatives. They didn't just happen to be on the bridge when it collapsed. The bridge collapsed because those two were on it. And they'd directed that money the CSB pays out to their son couldn't be accessed until he was twenty-one. So I took that information and figured I'd give it a few years. It's not like he could keep it now, even when he does turn twenty-one, considering he's a selected spouse." Beck smirked. "They don't get many rights, those spouses of yours."

Beck reclined as much as he was able, secured to the chair. "He did pretty well for himself, all things considered. He married a surgeon! All he has to do is tolerate you for a year then he’s free! But who knows, maybe he'll be desperate enough to stay."

Stephen's blood boiled, which was an odd feeling considering his cold fury.

He slowly stood and shrugged out of his blazer. Folding it neatly, he draped it over his chair, removed his tie, and began to unbutton his sleeves.

"Oh, you're going to hit me?" Beck taunted. "Whatever happened to 'do no harm'?"

"Every doctor interprets their oath in their own way. For me personally... We're in Middle California. My license isn't valid here so for all intents and purposes, I'm not a doctor at the moment."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," Beck said, though there was something like fear in his eyes. "Do you really think he's worth doing this for?"

Stephen withdrew the syringe and vial from the case he’d tucked in his jacket pocket. He prepped the needle with the contents of the vial. After eying it carefully he gently flicked the glass to remove any bubbles. "My husband is worth everything."

Beck started to struggle in his restraints as Stephen approached him. Bobbi and Lance held him still.

"Now, I haven't had to worry about injecting anything since my residency days, but I'd imagine it's like riding a bicycle."

"What the hell is in that?" Beck demanded, eyes even more crazed.

"Sodium piothental," Stephen said. "With a dash of midazolam. Both are safe in controlled doses under the careful eye of a professional." He pushed up the sleeve of the t-shirt Beck wore. "But as we've discussed... I'm not a doctor at the moment." He squeezed the muscle, holding the skin taut and injected the contents of the syringe.

Beck looked wildly between Lance and Bobbi. "What the hell?"

"It's crazy how some detainees will do anything to get a fix," Lance said to Bobbi, ignoring Beck.

"Absolutely tragic," Bobbi deadpanned.

Stephen tucked the syringe and vial back in the case then made a show of checking his watch. "We'll give it a few minutes." He looked at the agents. "Is there anything to drink in this place?"

Bobbi perked up. "Oh! I make the best lemonade. Come on up!"

Lance rolled his eyes but nodded. "She really does."

The three went upstairs, ignoring Beck's shouts and cursing.

Peter had been in a visitor’s waiting room for a few hours. He’d picked up another book to read (an absolutely terrible slice-of-life romance) and kept to himself. Once he’d gone to grab coffee and a snack for Tony, promising Sharon he’d bring her all the food she could stand once the nurses cleared it.

At one point Tony came outside to update him on her progress before returning to Sharon's side.

Mostly, Peter was just alone.

He sent another message to Stephen letting him know that they were at the birthing center and that Sharon was in labor.

There was no response.

Peter finished the book and selected another. He was halfway through before Tony called him back in.

Tony was beaming while Sharon was sitting up in the bed, looking exhausted but radiant. Under a rose pink blanket, she held a dark haired infant against her bare chest.

They introduced their daughter to Peter.

“Oh, wow,” Peter breathed out. “She’s amazing.”

“Yes, she is,” Tony agreed, gaze intent on the sight of his wife and baby.

Sharon looked up at Tony. “I want that burger.”

Peter laughed. “You two stay here and I’ll order you both some food, okay?”

“Grab something for yourself, too,” Tony said. “Have them charge it to the room.”

Peter did just that, ordering two cheeseburgers with sweet potato fries, side Cardini salads, and slices of chocolate cake for the parents along with a grilled cheese and cup of tomato soup for himself.

The lady in the cafeteria, Beth, laughed when she got the order. “It’s always fun to see what meals the new mothers first order once they’re free to eat what they want again!”

Peter grinned. “She only asked for the burger but I figured she deserved some cake as well.”

Beth nodded. “Yes, she definitely does. We’ll have everything delivered to suite twelve when it’s ready.”

Peter thanked her and went back to the suite. He checked his watch and sighed. It was nearly seven in the evening. Still no word from Stephen.

Peter let Tony and Sharon know that their food would be delivered and returned to his station in the waiting room. The obstetrician was in with the small family and Peter didn't want to be in the way.

The drive back to the mid point passed him by as if he wasn't really there. His mind was turning over what he'd learned out of Beck once he'd gone back downstairs to question the man... with some assistance from Bobbi and Lance.

Outside of the injection, he hadn't laid a hand on the man, no matter how desperately he'd wanted to throttle him until all life left the crazed blue eyes. Instead, the agents overseeing his temporary captivity used some of their tricks to encourage the sharing of information. It had been unsettling to be party to and at one point he'd had to stop himself from returning upstairs to vomit.

But he had the information he needed and Bobbi and Lance had promised they'd retrieve the data keys that Beck had stolen and send them on to Stephen.

”That kid was worth millions and would have been worth so much more.” ”The damned brat was just too damned stubborn and insistent on waiting for that special someone.”

“My husband is worth everything.”

Those were the most honest words he’d ever spoke.

Stephen parked at the same shopping center, returned his purchases, and left in the car he'd swapped out that morning. His mobile had a score of messages, most from Tony letting him know that Sharon was the birthing center... Sharon was in labor... asking how he was supposed to handle this... marveling at how strong Sharon was... no, wait, she was angry at him and telling him he could never touch her again... Sharon had had the baby. His messages ended with "Come and meet your goddaughter."

Glad the cloak-and-dagger bit was over, Stephen did just that.

He'd figure out what to do with what he'd learned later.

When he arrived at the birthing center, Peter was curled up in one of the guest recliners, fast asleep.

"He's had a long day," Tony said fondly, embracing him. "But we were so glad to have him around. He really helped Sharon out this morning."

Stephen looked over at his sleeping husband. "He's pretty wonderful like that."

Tony clapped a hand on Stephen's shoulder. "Come and meet her."

He followed Tony back to where Sharon sat up in her bed holding the baby in her arms.

"Did you get what you needed?" Sharon asked.

He nodded. "Yes, but there are far more important things to discuss at the moment," he said. "Who is this little lady?"

Sharon smiled and motioned him closer. "Meet Jamie," she said, handing him the swaddled infant.

"Jamie?"

Tony grinned proudly. "Stephanie James Stark."

Stephen tried the name out. "It's perfect," he said.

"Just like Jamie," Sharon agreed. "We figured who better to honor than her two godfathers?"

"Rhodey will be here next week; unfortunately he can't just abandon mission and come straight here. It's frowned upon or treasonous or something."

"Or something," Stephen said quietly. He couldn't take his eyes off of her. She was just so little. Her eyes were scrunched tight and she let out a yawn. "She's beautiful," he whispered.

"Well, she takes after me, so of course she is," Tony said. "I'll have her building circuit boards in no time."

"Or learning the names of every bone in the body," Stephen suggested.

"Or she'll be doing whatever makes her happy and the two of you will just have to deal with it." Stephen glanced at Sharon, who was looking at him and Tony as if she were entirely unimpressed.

"Or that," Tony agreed easily. He checked his watch. "It's late. You should wake Peter and head back to the mansion. We have some check-ins with the obstetrician and pediatrician in the morning but we'll be up for visitors in the afternoon."

That sounded perfect. He carefully handed the sleeping Jamie over to Sharon. "I'm so happy for you two."

-------

[squidthechaotickid]

Made a lmk sona/oc finally >:] Their name is Void and they r so very silly 2 me <33

Dropping their backstory + info under the readmore

Okay so. Mk was having a nice time in his apartment, having a wonderful dream bc he was asleep, when he was woken up by a sudden CRASH. He woke up, looked at the weird shadow clone of himself, took a deep breath, and decided to lay back down for a few minutes. Meanwhile the shadow clone is still messing wt his stuff.

Finally, he gets up, drags the clone down to Pigsy's, and calls Monkie King. The clone kinda just sits there while Mk and Monkie King (who was there in like 5 seconds) start debating what to do. Monkie King suggests getting Macaque (who's name the clone repeats) and Mk agrees (much to Pigsy's dismay, but hey, it's either that or let the weird clone hang around.)

Wukong went off to find Macaque while Mk started to mess around with the clone. It kept repeating random words and copying several of his actions. Piggy thought he should leave it alone but Mk ignored him.

After like 20 minutes, Macaque, already knowing abt the clone (he saw it while shadow traveling and thought it was weird,) came in with Wukong and was basically like "I have no clue what that is but it's definitely some sort of shadow thing. Mk did you accidentally make a shadow clone bc that's my thing usually not Wukong's.

Mk confirmed he didn't, and they started to debate what it was. Somehow, Macaque and Wukong started fighting, and Mk tried to calm things down. The more upset Mk got, the more agitated the clone got, with only Pigsy noticing. He only managed to get their attention after the clone began to screech, before dipping into the shadows and disappearing.

Everyone began to panic, except Macaque, who quickly followed and found the clone close by, outside in an alley. He tried to bring it back inside but it instead began to fight, summoning its own shadow version of Mk's staff.

The others rushed out at the noise, and the fight began. The clone kept targeting Monkie King and Macaque, while completely avoiding Mk. Finally, the fight ends after the clone dips into the shadows one too many times, and begins to "dissolve." They leave, leaving the gang to wonder what that even was.

After several months and other, more pressing issues (aka multiple demon attacks,) they mostly forgot about the clone. Until, one day, a kid looking oddly like Mk walks into Pigsy's. They introduce themself as Void, Mk's shadow. They explained that they weren't exactly sure what they were, just that they were born from the shadows, and was specifically connected to Mk, as they could feel certain bits of what he felt. (Both physical pain and emotional pain)

They explained that they had spent months watching and learning from the world, teaching themself to speak and changing their appearance so they were no longer a clone, and instead their own person. They apologized for the previous fight, stating that Mk getting upset had filtered to them, and they didn't know how to cope with the sudden emotion, as they'd never felt anything like it, being born literally an hour before.

Mk was ecstatic, and decided to drag them around town so they could experience it outside of the shadows, also inviting Mei. The trip went mostly okay, though Void did have to stop the trip early because they were getting overwhelmed by the new sensations. They became friends with the others, and Void now shows up every once in a while to help or just to visit.

Other facts, now that I'm done wt the backstory lmao.

They can't shadow travel for long or often. It's kinda like a drop of water in the sea; they're a shadow, and if they stay too long, the shadows will consume them and make them a part of it yet again.

that's why they started to dissolve after the traveling too many times during the fight.

That being said, they still have to every once in a while. They'll feel sick if they don't.

While the sun doesn't harm them, it will make them feel exhausted after a bit.

They feel everything Mk feels, though not as extreme, and they can usually tell which are his and which are theirs.

That being said, when Mk had the whole thing with his monkie form? They couldn't control their own form, it was terrifying. They were lucky they were alone in a forest outside the city at the time, because they were completely out of it.

They based their look off of various things they found in the city, such as clothes they saw in stores or colors they saw that looked nice. They kept Mk's headband and based their hair partially on Macaque and Wukong's.

They can't change their base form in any way Mk can't. They ended out wearing a binder, just like Mk does.

They don't know what a gender is.

They have an identity crisis every other week.

They keep trying to separate themself from Mk, but demons keep mistaking the two and it really doesn't help the identity thing.

When they were first learning to speak, they stuttered over words and spoke formal. As they got used to speaking, they became more leaned back and used more slang.

[csolarstormhealthjournal]

Getting good sleep has become a serious thing for me. Every time I stay up past...let's say 3:00, because nothing good happens past three am (insert musical note here) there's a %30 chance I will have terrible, constant knee and hip pain the next day.

Like, I know sleep is important for pain management, but it's weird just how important it is for this specific pain issue. It's like a switch. I'll get one episode of hip pain on a good day, and then if I don't sleep, there's a 1 in 3 chance that the next day I'll get like fifty pain episodes, and I'll be lying down all day with all the medications.

And I don't really get knee pain except for when this happens. The doctor says it's early arthritis because that knee was messed up as part of my condition. But when the hip pain goes off, I tense up and that activates the knee pain, so the hip and the knee are like playing ping pong with each other.

I don't understand why it's so particular, like on an average day things are normal, if the dice rolls and this is the day not sleeping well gives me this pain, now everything sucks. My understanding is that not sleeping well makes things worse, but doesn't literally wreck you, unless you've been sleepless for a while.

But my problem with sleeping is psychological, and I need to bring it up with my new therapist. For one...I just don't want the day to end. I want the free time where I'm all alone, and my a few of my brain cells are shutting down for the night so I can do what I want a little more carelessly.

But two, I'm uncomfortable with just...not being, and laying down and closing my eyes just makes me anxious. I get that forgetting how to breath nonsense which is anxiety and probably a little OCD quirk. But on the other hand I honestly do choke in my sleep so the forgetting how to breathe thing might not be random at all.

And because of that anxiety, falling asleep just can't be automatic. It's like I'm watching the whole process. Sometimes my brain invents this fake sensation of going to sleep, and it feels like it's smothering me. Or I'll have straight out OCD invasive thoughts that make me open my eyes again. It's just not comfortable to close my eyes and they there in my mind, because my mind is weird.

This problem has gotten better since I started taking melatonin gummies pretty much every night. For a little while I was missing sleep every other day and this "insomnia pain" happened a lot more. Now it's once and a while.

Still too much for me!

[iloveschiaparelli]

Something that happens to me a lot is I just disappear from social media/social circles (go "off the radar") for several days/weeks at a time. I'm not talking about like instagram or tumblr I mean like snapchat, which is already only close friends, and I start missing friend hangouts/church all the time. Instead I stay active on youtube/tumblr/webtoon doomscrolling or reading copious amounts of comics. The reason is just that I get overly exhausted and can't handle the demands of social interaction, or my health tanks from exhaustion and I start missing hangouts because I'm at home asleep even though its 3 in the afternoon. My bones hurt. I feel icky and my stomach feels like I'm about 3 steps removed from throwing up.

This then leads to greater emotional distress, that being severe discontent with the state of my body, but since i lack the energy to correct it through activity, I'm instead trapped in a sensation of hopelessness and depression that additionally suppresses my appetite. It's a cycle of tiredness, not eating, getting more tired, eating even less. Before you know it, consuming any type of food gives me GI issues and now I'm avoiding all sorts of foods, which then in turn lessens nutrition. It's a mess! Anyway, all this just leads to huge amounts of exhaustion and my body not functioning the way it's intended to (on any sort of schedule), so I'm spending a disproportionate amount of time awake at night and asleep during the day.

Being on the radar reveals your waking hours: through posting times, message times, pictures, etc. And it's embarrassing to admit to people, especially those I'm not especially close with, just how screwed up my body is and my life and schedule. In addition, being exhausted and having irregular sleep ruins any type of posting schedule, streaks, etc. So I end up going off-radar. Nobody has any idea what I'm going through (except my roommates) because I have become invisible. But then I also miss huge events and disappear from other people's lives: I'm not just off-radar, I'm withdrawn, which leads to atrophy in friendships. It doesn't help that right now, for the summer, a lot of the regular hangouts I would normally go to like D&D and Wing Chun are either not meeting or I'm taking a break because, in the case of Wing Chun at least, the best times to doordash are coincidentally also the class times, and I have to prioritize making money to survive (I only came up $175 short this month! That's really good, I thought I was gonna be way more screwed. My mom is helping me cover the difference so that's good.)

Anyway, so all this combined means that when I finally have enough energy to interact with those friends again, they're way behind on my life events and I'm way behind on theirs. You know how hard it is to be at someone's wedding and have that be the time you tell your friend that you got dumped a month earlier???? Ummm it was super awkward..... but because the conversation had turned that way, I couldn't avoid letting it on. Thankfully that friend respected my wishes to keep it on the down-low for the rest of the day (I didn't want to affect the vibes at the wedding. Which ended up being fantastic btw.) But now, because I'm still really off-radar, me and that friend promised to talk about it later, but it's been nearly a month and we haven't spoken a word to each other.

Anyway, just a little rant(?) about how exhaustion/chronic issues can lead to unintentional social withdrawal.

[memorymessage]

POOP UPDATE, EXTREME TMI IDC

ok so... i jinxed myself really bad with this one, because right after i wrote this, i had the worst experience of my life.

i had the last round of antibiotics a couple days ago, and since it was helping me poop, i became afflicted with the most insane rebound constipation. my poo got literally stuck inside of me, and it was sharp and hard af. i could feel it moving inside of me as i was trying to push it out, but it was so dry and hard, it just wouldn't come out

so... for the first time ever:

enema.

yep.

the mineral oil type.

and it was the worst experience ever. not because of the application itself, but because of what happened after. the enema itself was completely fine. i literally didn't even feel it. not a single sensation.

but it only worked a little bit, and the rest of the liquid got STUCK INSIDE OF ME.

it did get out the rock-like pieces that were stuck near the exit. but then for the rest of the day, i was bloated to the worst extent i'be experienced—which is saying A LOT. my insides got so inflamed from the mineral oil and all the straining i did prior—i looked like i was 6mos preganana.

this was all very traumatic, which made me cry a lot, and i really SHOULDN'T be doing that, since i'm going through a medical issue involving vascular swelling in my face and neck. straining and crying is the last thing i need. it made absolutely everything so much worse.

eventually i was able to fall asleep, but only got 3 hours due to being so bloated and uncomfortable... and it all happened again when i woke up. i had rock-like pieces stuck at the exit, but luckily was able to push some out thanks to the remaining oil.

throughout all of this, i have been eating fiber gummies and probiotics like they're fucking candy.

and as of just a few minutes ago-

i'm happy to report the fiber and probiotics have done their job, and my insides have normalized again. i'm still bloated, but i had a normal, soft poo with minimal effort.

which tells me this isn't entirely due to coming off of antibiotics. it's because i stopped taking my usual dose of fiber and probiotics. i just thought i didn't need them since the antibiotics were making me go. idiot me didn't account for the fact that i can't just take antibiotics forever!

i do wonder what sort of supplement i can take to mimic the effect of the augmentin, though. it was the first time in years i was able to fully clear my insides. fiber, much like cashews, help me go by softening and bulking the stool, but i don't ever completely get everything out, so i'm full of fiber poo everyday.

i just want to not be bloated. for once. it was a blessing to at least not have to worry about my GI and pelvic issues while dealing with my worsening vascular condition. but now the bloating is back and i have a full plate of dysfunctional body

so, i think my overeating of cashews was actually causing my severe bloating...

like, it got so severe, my tailbone was distended out and visible through my skin. you could see the outline of the bones. i couldn't even sit or lay down without a coccyx cushion, it hurt so bad

since i've gotten sick, i haven't been eating much, and i've been on antibiotics that have been making me poop more, and i haven't been as badly bloated.

then, i ate cashews again last week and, yep- immediate bloating and tailbone distention.

i thought i'd really figured something out with insoluble fiber making you poop- and it does! but it's also really not good to engorge yourself on foods your body can't break down when you have delayed gastric emptying and trouble passing stool. insoluble fiber + slow digestion + pelvic floor dysfunction = congratulations, you played yourself

and i was eating cashews literally every day, because i thought it was helping my constipation. and it technically did, but i could never get it all out, so i was just constantly full of cashew shit

[imthebadguyyy]

A/N - based off of this sinful photograph

Suggested listening - Wildside by Normani and Kiss It Better by Rihanna

Wildside

Pairing - Lewis Hamilton x Reader (fem!littlemix!reader)

Fandom - F1

Summary - You've been on tour for a while, and you miss your loverboy. But when he surprises you on tour, its bound to get spicy.

Warnings - smut (not well written)

The snap of hips. The soft groans and moans. The sound of pants. The sound of Rihanna's 'Kiss It Better' blaring through the walls. The bed knocking against the wall as Lewis's hands squeezed your hips, the intensity of the thrust pushing the bed against the wall. The high pitched moan that left your mouth as you reached your high, eyes closing as stars exploded behind your eyelids, as your boyfriend came right after you, your walls clenching as he came. Even after reaching your high, you didn't want to open your eyes, far too consumed in the earth shattering pleasure that was coursing through your veins, until a soft hand reached to pull your chin up, soft brown eyes looking into your own, clouded with lust and euphoria.

Pulling your mouth into his in a heated kiss, Lewis moved his hand to rest on your bare stomach, squeezing your tummy softly as he deepened the kiss. Pulling away he let his head droop onto your bare chest. "That was.." he began, far too blissed out to think of an adjective. "Godly" you said, chest rising and falling rapidly, trying to come to terms with the intensity of your orgasm. Laughing he leaned back up to kiss your nose, before standing up and walking to the bathroom. You heard the tap running, and the sound of the dustbin opening and closing. You closed your eyes again, the aftershocks still coursing through your body.

Opening them again slowly, you saw Lewis walk towards you, towel in hand, and a lazy smile on his face. He gently cleaned your thighs, finishing with kisses on both of them. He reached up and wiped your torso, which was gleaming with a thin layer of sweat, before running the towel over your nose, cheeks, eyes and mouth. He dropped the towel in the clothes hamper near the bathroom door, pulling on his boxer shorts and and pulling out one of his t shirts from the cupboard. "What about the clothes on the floor" you piped up, finally beginning to wake up from your post pleasure state. "When did it get so messy?" He said, spotting 5 different clothing items in 5 different corners of the room. "When you decided to run your hand up my dress in a restraunt" you replied, throwing him a fake glare.

"You liked it" was his cocky reply, smirk spreading over his face as you flushed and ran a hand through your hair. "I did not" you lied, watching as he raised his eyebrows. "Oh really ? Thats not what you were saying 5 minutes ago- oh wait, you weren't saying anything at all. You were too busy moaning my name to say anything else-" "OKAY fine I loved it. Now shut up and bring your fine ass back for cuddles"

*-*-*

That was a month ago. Now you've been away for nearly one and half months, away with the girls on the LM5 tour. You loved touring, it was the best part of being a singer, getting to see the music you girls made together come to life on a stage in front of thousands and thousands of screaming fans. It was a thrill like no other. The only problem was that you were away from home. Distance was never an issue for the two of you, after all, he was a Formula 1 driver. It was very rare that he was home, except during the breaks and the gaps till race weekend, but ever since you two had started dating, he tried to be with you whenever you could. Sometimes, your shows would be in places where the races were too, and then he'd definitely turn up. But it was a difficult thing to do all the time, and some nights on tour were spent pulling all nighters as you talked to each other on the phone, till one of you eventually fell asleep.

But you knew when you started dating him, this wouldn't exactly be a regular relationship. The two of you were doing your dream jobs, and they were both extraordinary. And you were willing to put in the work you had to put in to make the relationship work, and you did. Yet here you were in Madrid, feeling heartbroken and desperately wanting your boyfriend by your side. It had been a rough couple of weeks, you were jet lagged and tired, and although this was the second leg of the tour, and you had had a break, it was tiring. It was hard going to bed every night alone, when all you wanted was to cuddle your boyfriend.

Little did you know, Lewis was feeling the same. In fact he had missed you so much, he had told Angela and his publicist to cancel all events for a week, while he flew out to Madrid to see you. He had missed you, he had missed you more than he could put into words. But he also wanted to surprise you. Pulling out his phone, he scrolled down to Leigh Anne's contact, and sent her a text.

Lewis, Leigh Anne

Hey. Is Y/N asleep ?

Hey! No, she's in an outfit fitting.

Okay that's good. I need your help with something.

Sure how can I help ?

I want to surprise her by coming to see you guys in Madrid.

Oh thats wonderful ! She's been a little down in the dumps. I think she misses you.

I miss her too.

Let me know when, and I'll send a car to pick you up.

I'll be there on Saturday. Landing at 3:15 and I should be at the hotel by 4:30. Then I can get ready and surprise her at the show.

Okay done. I'll send the car around 5:30,so you can rest for a bit. You should be here by 6. The show's at 6:15.

Thank you! Can't wait : )

I'm so happy youre coming to see her ! I'll let the girls know.

*-*-*

As soon as he had finished texting, Lewis decided to start packing, the prospect of seeing you again sending a buzz of happiness running along his veins. God, he had missed you a lot. He turned to Roscoe, the dog sitting by his feet, looking up at his dad with his head cocked to one side. "I'm going to go see Mumma, Roscoe" he explained, smiling as the doggo barked in response. He wouldn't be able to take him to Madrid, he'd have to leave him with a dog sitter, but he couldn't feel too bad about it, since he had had Roscoe with him even when you were gone. And besides, Roscoe enjoyed the dog creche. He couldn't wait for Saturday.

Later in the evening, he sat down with a glass of wine, while the ringtone of your FaceTime rang through the empty house. After a few more seconds of ringing, the call was picked up, your tired face coming into view. "Hi darling" he said, noticing the tiredness in your eyes, and how much you were struggling to keep them open. "Hi bubs. Did you finish eating?" You asked, rubbing your eyes. "No, I've ordered soup" (did anyone get the reference ;) "Oh okay" was the reply. "What about you? What time is it?" "Its 9:20 AM" you replied, gently rubbing your eyes again, forcing yourself to stay awake.

"9:20? Thats pretty late baby. Why are you still sleepy?" "We were recording till 4 AM, so Im functioning on like 5 hours sleep right now" "Oh damn. Go back to sleep then baby" "Can't, rehearsal" was you reply, making him furrow his eyebrows. "Okay I guess. But don't tire yourself out" "I won't" "I love you" he said, smiling at you. "I love you"

*-*-*-*

The Madrid show was always a fun one. The fans were loud and you loved it. They were one of the best crowds you girls ever played for, and the show had its own adrenaline and excitement. But it was difficult to give a 100% when you were tired, but you really tried, you did. During Power, you hit highnotes you didnt think you could, during Woman Like Me you danced like there was no tomorrow. During Wasabi, you brought your sass level up to a 1000. It was during Bounce Back that you caught sight of a very familiar face in the audience. Unable to actually grasp if you had actually seen Lewis, you turned to Jade, who was on your side, and looked back at the crowd and back to her, asking for confirmation.

The smirk she gave you was answer enough. After that, focusing on giving an excellent performance increased tenfold. Every swirl of your hips, every flip of your hair, every wink you threw at the audience, it was all five times sexier. In the crowd, your boyfriend was well aware of what you were doing, and it was fair to say that you were succeeding at it. He could feel an uncomfortable sensation around his pants region, as his cock twitched uncomfortably in his pants. He couldn't wait till the show was over, and you two could have a show of your own.

*-*-*

"That was amazing darling!" Lewis said, spotting the 5 of you in your dressing room. "Oh look its Mr. Loverboy!" Perrie said, cackling as you rolled your eyes at her, before running up to your lover and jumping into his arms. "Hiya Bub! I missed you!" "I missed you too love. That's why I surprised you. I couldn't stand another day without you at home" he said, wrapping his arms around your waist to keep you stable as you jumped into his arms. A chorus of "awws" echoed throughout the room, as the girls watched your cute little interaction. What wasn't cute however was the comment Lewis made in your ear, hiding his face in your ear so that the girls couldn't see. "I can't wait to get back to the hotel. I saw the performance you were putting on for me baby. You have no idea how hard I got, how uncomfortable I was standing in front of so many people when all I really wanted to do was fuck you"

You could feel your mouth become dry, and your heartbeat quicken, and you could feel the area between your thighs become wet. You tightened your grip around him, letting your crotch rub against his very softly. "I think it's time to go" you mumbled against his ear. "Okay girls, as lovely as it was to see you, I think it's time we go back to the hotel. I'm pretty worn out from travelling as well" "Yeah I'm pretty tired too" you replied, faking a large yawn. "Alright then, we'll see you guys tomorrow!" Leigh Anne said, leaning forward to give you a hug. After you finished hugging all the girls, the two of you made your way to the car, eagerly waiting to get back home.

The car ride home was tense. The tension was apparent in the air, reverberating through the air, choking you in a way you revelled in. The air was thick with tension, and it was suffocating you in the best way possible. It was almost too much to take. When the hotel came into sight, you practically leapt out of the car, and rushed to the door, an equally ruffled Lewis beside you. But he was not going to give in to you so easily. He enjoyed seeing you flustered. And he was not a person that gave someone what they wanted when they asked for it,no. He was going to have you desperate for it. Smirking to himself, he made his way to the reception, grabbing you by the waist as he went.

Throwing him a confused look you followed, slightly frustrated. "Hello sir, how can I help you?" the man at the reception asked, eyes going slightly wide as he recognized the two of you. "Hi! I just wanted to ask, till what time is your pool and spa open?" He asked, sliding his hand down to the back of your dress. "The pool closes at 10 pm sir, and the spa at 9 pm. We open the pool at 7 am and the spa at 11pm"he replied, struggling to maintain his professionalism as he spoke to one of the best drivers in Formula 1. "Alright thank you. And what time does breakfast start?" Lewis asked, hand pressing down on your ass, ever so discreetly. "Breakfast is from 6-10 am sir" "Thank you so much"

Next to him, you were fuming. Of course he was going to ask questions to which he already knew the answers to. A painful throb between your legs made you let out a small whimper, and the man at the reception looked at you with concern in his eyes. "Ma'am are you alright?" He asked, eyeing your stiff posture and tense state. "Yes, just tired, thank you" you replied, a little stiffly, but it was hard to concentrate when Lewis's promise of fucking you senseless kept replaying in your mind. "Alright then, good night" Lewis said, biting back a smirk at your flustered state. He knew getting you all riled up would lead to some seriously earth shattering sex, and he couldn't wait. But first, he definitely wanted to tease you, to push you over the edge, just a little more.

Your room was on the 16th floor, and as the two of you made your way into the elevator, he eyed you up and down, eyes lingering on the curve of your breasts. The minute the door shut, he pushed you against the wall, capturing your lips in a steamy kiss you'd be remembering the next day. His hands moved to your ass, squeezing hard, eliciting a moan from your lips. The moment your lips parted, he was pushing his tongue into yours, his other hand coming up to pull on your hair roughly, relishing in the gasp that left your lips. As suddenly as he started, he stopped, pulling back and standing almost nonchalantly against the wall.

Trying to wrap your head around what happened, you gripped the wall with your hand, feeling your legs grow weak to a point where you felt like you couldn't stand on your own. You could feel your wetness dripping, threatening to run down your thighs, as the throbbing became even more painfully exciting. You looked down at the floor, eyes closing as your frustration grew more and more by the second. Finally, with a little 'ding', the elevator stopped at the 16th floor. The moment the door opened you stepped out on wobbly legs, trying your best to walk properly. But of course, that wasn't going to happen. As you turned one long corridor, Lewis suddenly grabbed your waist, pushing you against the wall again, to reach down and suck on your neck. You let out a gasp, and tried to run your crotch against his, but the retaliated with a slap to your ass, smirking when a high pitched moan left your lips. Lifting you up against the wall, he mumbled against your ear "the key card" your clouded mind was unable to process the words, too consumed by slight relief you were getting. "Get the key card baby" he repeated. This time you noted it, reaching down to his pants pocket to pull out the key card. You couldn't resist running your hand over his cock, feeling how rock hard he was. The thought of him fucking you senseless returned, and you let out a groan.

Grabbing the card from your hand, he opened the door, propping you up against the door in your bedroom. His eyes were filled with a raw, animal desire, as he dropped the card on the floor and reached up to unzip your dress. He ripped the zipper down, your dress falling to the floor in a crumpled heap. He locked his eyes on your heaving chest, hand reaching up to grab your chin, pulling you in for a searing kiss. His hand slid up your torso, reaching behind to unhook the red lacy bra you were wearing, letting it drop to the floor as he took in the glorious sight in front of him. You waited, wanting him to just touch you, but he just stared, eyes looking into yours, clearly saying "beg for it"

You couldn't help the soft "please" that left your lips, too desperate for some sort of touch. "Please what?' Lewis said, tightening his grip on your waist. "Please" was all you could say again, nearly whimpering again at the rough look in his eyes. "Use your words baby. Now, please what?" "Please just touch me!" You finally gasped out, moaning loudly when he licked a stripe down your chest before taking your right tit into his mouth. His hand fondled the left one, running his thumb over your erect nipple, the rough pad of his thumb sending shockwaves of pleasure through your body. His mouth sucked on the skin of your tit, before moving down to bite down on your nipple. You gasped again, pain and pleasure coursing through your body as his tongue ran over your nipple over and over till it nearly felt raw. He switched his actions, moving his mouth to your left tit instead, letting his hand harshly fondle the other. He continued the same process of biting, licking and sucking, till he was satisfied with himself. "I fucking love this baby. Seeing you all wet and needy for me. So what do you want? My mouth? My fingers? My cock? Or does my baby want them all ?" He asked, watching as your pupils dilated and you let out a strangled moan.

You let your crotch rub against his thigh, gasping when the friction went straight to your core. "Look at you darling. I asked you what you what you wanted, and you picked my thighs? Well, I want to see you dripping. I want to see you cum on my fingers, my mouth, my thighs and especially on my cock. I'm going to make you cum over and over and over again till you can't even stand on your own fucking legs. I want your thighs to be shaking around my head. I want to see you moan and groan and scream my name so loud, by tomorrow everyone in this hotel will know my name, because you'll spend all night screaming it" you moaned again, his words going straight to your core."Please Lewis, God, just make me cum please!" The desperation of your cry was enough for him to carry you to the bed, dropping your body onto the soft mattress.

He pulled of shirt, unbuttoning every button so you could see him do it. He could see your eyes grow dark, as his compass tattoo came into sight. You had told him it was one of your favourites, and he had used it against you ever since you had told him that. Smirking at you, he climbed onto the bed, lying down between your legs. You pushed yourself up against the headboard, spreading your legs wide for him. His eyes grew dark, as your core came into his view, shimmering with your juices. A near animalistic growl left his mouth, the sound hitting your core. He moved so that he was situated right in front of your core. He let his eyes take in the sight of you in front of him, snapping back to reality when you let out a groan of frustration. Throwing you a devilishly reassuring smile, he inched neared and nearer, till his nose was nearly touching your clit. Then he just lay there. Not moving. You could feel your heartbeat hammering against your chest, chest heaving up and down, an alarming intense feeling growing in your tummy. Finally, when it became too much you let out a small scream of frustration "Oh for fucks sake Lewis please just fuck me!" Your outburst brought a smile to his face. "Oh I will. Just not yet" and with that, he ran a finger along your slit, before finally slipping it into you. You let out a moan, finally getting the friction you had been desperate for. His fingers circled your clit, thumb gently pressing down, before he removed it,only to slam it back down on your sensitive clit, earning a scream of pleasure from you.

He slipped a second finger into you, scissoring around your clit, as your desperate cries of "oh, oh baby! Fuck, fuck lewis-" were lost in the heat of the moment. He leaned his head down to your core, letting his tongue run along your slit too, before licking around it, collecting your wetness on his tongue, before letting it harshly circle your clit. You bucked up into his mouth, feeling his tongue wrap around your clit. He sucked the nub harshly, his fingers still moving in and out of you. "Oh God, Oh GOD, Lew-I- oh! Oh God!" Your broken moans were music to his ears as he sucked your clit into his mouth. You could feel a strange intensity growing in your stomach, feeling a lot stronger than your usual orgasm. The band in your tummy was threatening to snap, but you needed that something more to help it snap. That something more came when Lewis sucked your clit into his mouth, letting it rest in between his teeth, before flicking it with his tongue.

With a cry of "Oh fucking hell, Lew-" you camr gushing into his mouth, your juices coating his fingers and gushing onto his tongue, as he let you ride out your orgasm on his deadly skilled tongue. Well, he had got his wish. Your thighs were shaking around his head, as your body tried to come to terms with the intensity of the pleasure coursing through your body. Looking down, you saw him with his painfully hard cock, grinding down on the sheet, as he let out a moan at the relief the bedsheets gave him. Raising an eyebrow, you patted your thigh, signaling him to come over to you. "You loved on me so well bubs. But I can see how hard you are. Do you want to use me to get off?" You asked, watching the effect you had on him. All he could do was nod, as you sat up on your knees. "Stand up" you ordered, getting up from the bed as well.

You walked over to the wall, letting your body rest against it. Somewhat confused, Lewis followed you, standing in the space between your legs. "I tried to get off using your thighs didn't I? I think you'll enjoy it as much as I did. So use me. Use my thigh. Get off" looking at you in pure shock, your boyfriend moved forward, groaning when you pushed your leg against his throbbing cock. He relished in the friction, slowly beginning to move against your leg, moaning when he began to rub against your leg. He began to hump your leg faster, as the pleasure began to build up in his body, before you reached your hand down to cup his length in your hands, moaning when you realized your fingers didn't quite meet. You ran your fingers along his length. You pumped him, letting your thumb circle his sensitive tip, eliciting a soft whine from him. You circled faster, moving down to your knees, and letting your tongue run up his shaft very softly. Above you, Lewis slammed his hands against the wall, groaning when you took him into your mouth.

But a part of him still wanted to cum inside when he was fucking you (in a condom, because wrap it before you tap it) so he pulled you back up, smirking when you whined. "I know baby, but I just really wanna fuck you now. Back on the bed please, unless you want me to take you here against this wall" practically running, you clambered onto the bed. You watched as Lewis pulled out a condom, ripping the packet open before climbing back on top of you. He let his hand rest on your hip, eyes temporarily losing some of the animalistic need that had been present in them. Leaning down, he connected your lips together in a kiss, a searing, intense kiss that took your breath away. "Ready love?" He asked, looking into your eyes, looking to see if there was even a slight hint that you didn't want this. But you did.

With a sudden jolt, he thrust himself into you, groaning when your warm walls clamped down on him. His hips thrust into you, starting off slow, letting you adjust to his massive length. "My sweet baby,taking me so well. Does it feel good?" You couldn't even respond, mouth agape, as his the pace of his thrusts increased. "Answer me" he said, suddenly stopping. Almost crying out at the loss of pleasure, you looked at him with desperation. "Yes yes, fuck it feels so good, please don't stop!" "Thats all you had to say baby" he said, before pushing in again, slowly. Then, he pulled back out. Looking at him in confusion, you gasped when he slammed back into you, a high pitched moan of "Lewis!" leaving your lips. He moved so that he had a better hold of your hips, rocking the both of you back and forth, the intensity of his thrusts was so much that the bed knocked back against the wall. What he wasn't expecting was for you to take his left thumb up to your mouth, running your tongue over it before sucking on it.

Moaning, he started thrusting into you even harder, shifting so that he was directly hitting your g spot. "Oh, God ! Oh fuck, Baby that feels so good please keep going keep-oh!" The cry that left your lips was so loud, you were sure Perrie in the room next to yours had heard you. "Fuck baby, you take me so well" Lewis said, as he nearly hammered your g spot. He was so, so damn close to cumming, and when you leant up and bit a sensitive spot on his neck, he came, gushing into the guard between you two, but he wanted you to cum to, so he reached down to pinch and rub your clit, still riding out his orgasm in you, moaning when you came with a scream. He winced when your core spasmed on his sensitive cock, and he pulled out slowly, before collapsing next to you. Panting, you curled up to him, letting your hand rest on his compass tattoo. "Okay that was Godlike" you said, earning a tired laugh from your lover.

"Yeah it really was. I missed you" he said, allowing you to nuzzle into his neck, leaning down to press a kiss to your forehead. "I missed you too" you replied, kissing the tattoo. "I love you too" As you lay there together, still revelling in the moment, your phone buzzed. Reaching over to check it, you saw your groupchat with the girls flooding with messages.

-*-*-

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - Y/N, I'm filing a noise complaint. 🍆

Jade ✨ - Pez 😂 let them be. It's been a while for her.

Leigh 🦋- She really got some tonight huh? 😏

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️- LOL she did !! And it was obviously some goooood 'some' *wink wink*

Jade ✨- I could hear em too, and Im on the other end of the hall.

Leigh 🦋 - I know I did too! Must be some damn good sex. 😏

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - Go Y/N !!

Jade ✨ - Can't wait till she reads this.

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - Are they still going?!

Leigh 🦋 - No 😂 she's reading the messages. Y/N!! Yoohoo!

You - yes I'm here 🖕🏽

Jade ✨ - Did you have fun babe 😏

You - ..... yes

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - babe you can't really say no because we heard you

You- Im not saying I didn't have fun. But you guys need to calm down.

Leigh 🦋 - But its funnn

You - okay byeeee ❤

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - Going for a round 2 😏?

You - okay I said bye.

Leigh 🦋 - she is !!

Jade ✨ - Go babe !

You - I need to leave this group.

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - No we love you !! ❤

Leigh 🦋 - Yeah don't leave us ❤

Jade ✨- Don't leave meee ! ❤

You - Haha I'd never leave you girls ❤ now bye.

Jade ✨ - bye babe !

Perrie 🧚🏻‍♀️ - bye you sexy minx 😏

Leigh - bye hun 💙

*-*-*

Smiling to yourself, you put your phone away, to see Lewis looking at you with a raised eyebrow. "Who was it?" "Just the girls" you said, cuddling back up to him. "What did they say?" Giggling, you looked up to him and kissed his neck. "They said they're going to file a noise complaint. And they asked me if we were going for a round two" "Were we really that loud?" He asked, looking at you in surprise. "Yeah, even Leigh heard us and she's at the end of the hall!" "Damn" Lewis said laughing. "Well," he said, looking at you again, with a cheeky look in his eye, "they were right about one thing" "And what is that?" You asked, smiling at him mischievously. "We are going for a round two"

*-*-*-*-*-*-*

@maxverstappenx @grandestrategia (because you are worth it 🦋💙)

[genderkoolaid]

Hey. I'm not really sure who to ask about this, but I've seen your advice/responses before and they've been pretty good so here it goes.

I need to sleep. The only issue is that I'm extremely dysphoric right now and if I take off my binder I will have a massive panic attack/meltdown and none of my shirts will feel right and it'll send me into a spiral. And I can't sleep with my binder on. I have no idea if you have any advice on what to do but yeah. If you do, it would be appreciated.

I'm really freaked out rn and close to tears. Help?

So, you could wear a (properly sized) sports bra, which afaik is less harmful than a binder to sleep in. I don't know how well that would do with your dysphoria, though. If there's sleep medicine you could take, it might help you be able cope with dysphoria/sensations and fall asleep in spite of them.

Worst comes to worse, if its just a night- I have slept in a binder before on accident a few times. Its not good for you by any means, but you need to sleep. Being sleep deprived it also probably not helpful in coping with dysphoria or sensory issues, so it might be overall better to sleep in it and try and work through things when you are at least better rested.

On a more long-term level, I think it might be helpful to look into transtape as a potential binding alternative. It doesn't compress your ribs, which means you can sleep in it (it can stay on for a while). It has its own downsides and has a tedious removal process, but if this is a reoccurring issue, it could be useful to look into to have something you can sleep in without using a binder.