#my insomnia is so bad

[corujalesbica]

Sometimes between 2020 and now I went from Has 3 hours of sleep and lots of energy depressed mode, to has 10 hours of sleep and 0 energy depressed mode and I think that's fascinating

[slightlydeadghost]

WIP trying to speedrun relearning digital art

[nymphelle]

How do people sleep at night? No like serious question

[gifti3]

the halloween chat was actually really funny 😭

[redr0sewrites]

currently thinking about cuddling w tim while he's tired but can't sleep bc same

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Happy Pride month everyone B*) Allow me to reveal a little behind the scenes detail behind my Banner and Icon. Love was always winning <3

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

right, can we please take a moment to talk about the bridge sequence in bad habits because oh my god the SUBTEXT??

at the start of the video, the distance between miles and alex is really highlighted, e.g. opposing colour palettes, the kind of divided imagery above, alex standing several paces behind miles etc. they're constantly in each other's eyeline, but also constantly apart. throughout the video, they gradually get closer, and the biggest catalyst for this is miles's guitar solo at the bridge of the song, where they start off at opposite ends of the room and miles moves backwards to alex as he's playing; by the end of the solo, they're finally properly side by side for the first time.

this is then immediately followed by shots like this of the two of them together:

in the earlier stages of the video, miles's singing was just intercut with sexual imagery of either women, or him and women - now, in the build up to the song's climax (and as the sexual imagery gets more heated), his singing is intercut more vividly and more frequently with clips of him and alex; the images of women become fainter and more infrequent, outnumbered by moments of him and alex wrapped around each other, while the women remain hazy and separate from miles.

this is then followed by a full on physical altercation between them; throughout the video, alex has been this silent, imposing presence behind miles, and at the bridge of the song here, miles finally turns around and confronts him in a way that has distinctly sexual undertones - and idk, this just feels so much like a metaphor for being followed around by desire and finally grappling with it (i.e. alex is the desire that's following miles around)

we then this gorgeous shot of miles's gaze and the fantasies behind it where (unlike earlier in the video) the images interposed behind it aren’t of abstracted female bodies, but of a woman walking up the stairs to him and alex lying entangled with each other, and then some fleeting imagery that clearly shows the three of them engaged in sexual acts together.

then - and this is the part that really gets me. the undertone of lust and fantasy laced through the video is finally being played out explicitly (in the scenario we get a glimpse of between miles and alex and the woman), and then is then IMMEDIATELY followed by a sequence of imagery that is ONLY OF ALEX AND MILES. and not just only of them, but of them being increasingly close to each other; they're no longer at opposite ends of the room, they're lying on each other and their faces are pressed together and they look utterly blissed out. all the shots of proximity are of them; the intercutting imagery of women has completely disappeared at this key point of the song and it's just them. them together in a situation that has been established as explicitly sexual.

the fact that throughout the song, alex and the two of them being together is inextricably linked with the fulfilment of desire and fantasy is just - it makes me a little bit insane, actually.

because it’s only once the two of them come together that the sex behind the images of fantasy interspersing miles’s singing actually come to fruition. it’s only once they’ve touched each other that others touch them, only after they come together that the sexual images that have been chasing them come into focus and become anything other than hazy, fleeting fantasies. in a music video so explicitly about sex and desire, it’s all about them.

[hellastrangedice]

Inking of the logos on Solarea d20s 🌞

I have a page on my website that lists all equipment I use. Y'all curious so I made a page called "Equipment" on the top bar after the About Us Section.

My insomnia has been relentless this week. Like -3/10 bad. I thought I was fine but noooo....

[save-the-villainous-cat]

Mmmm. Babg

Heyyy pretty boy~

[yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit]

Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.

I don't have external meltdowns.

I could. I don't let it happen.

I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.

So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.

She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.

Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].

It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.

They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.

I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.

I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.

I couldn't understand what made her like this.

But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.

If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.

And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*

And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?

My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.

Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???

And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.

I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*

She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.

I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.

So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.

But I told her hundreds of times.

I probably should have just screamed at her.

[torchickentacos]

wip. I think I just like drawing power lines (minus the actual lines right now, I only have vine and compressed charcoal on me and not my pencil).

old one under cut! I was proud of it at the time (and I still am, hence it being my pined post) but I feel like this new one's a lot better so far despite still being a wip.

[starcatcher-psywurm]

I had a Flight Rising dream that was actually kind cool:

Staff has made a flight rising movie, it was all traditional 2d cell animation. The main character was a dragon named Cervitae who was a breed from fire who looked like a mixture of Snappers and Bogsneaks, he had his sibling on a leash attached to his giant neck collar and he and his sister were scrap buyers at the great forge.

They were talking about business and then this ridgeback comes in full cloaked, same collar on and they randomly started fighting, because Cervitae was a "dragon rider" which meant he was a child of the Flamecaller herself and that ridgeback wanted to stop the dragon riders from coming together.

After that it kinda cut to this musical number with the dragon rider from water who was a fathom singing about how while other dragons have the earth and sky they have the sea, she was generally warning him about how he has to be careful, because the ocean is a lot more dangerous to dragons that aren't aligned with it. Then I woke up, but here's an approximation of how Cervitae looked.

Huge head, super stocky, small wings, walked like a monitor lizard. And yeah his name is Cervitae, it was put in writing in my dream, so I think my dream brain misspelled Cervidae. I wish I could replicate 2d cell style animation, because man some of the scenes in that dream were so cool like the great forge and the cities under water.

[katyspersonal]

I've connected the dots. I've connected them:

1) Jar Innards were attempts at creating a 'Saint', made out of multiple victims (mostly fellow Hornsent but at some point Shamans too)

2) Jar Innards have a glowing golden string inside

3) Divine Gate is made of multiple people too, maybe even willing sacrifices for all we know! In the trailer it was shown to be very... lively and organic lol. As opposed to the petrified state we found it at.

4) Marika pulls golden strings from a literal pussy in Divine Gate, which is "affair from which gold arose, and so, too, shadow was born" (refers to following creation of Erdtree and Scadutree)

5) Miquella, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have created anything, nor seduce anyone except for his half-brother lololololol, he simply entered the Divine Gate after having severed ties with his body and personality and it already made him a God. So, what Marika did with the strings was not required to become a God, but her own volition ("seduction and betrayal").

6) Extracting the golden string from it also presumably what "killed" it; it didn't lose its God-promoting quality, but it did petrify. Maybe she stole lifeform-creating feature of it in general with it.

7) She most likely didn't auto-own Elden Ring upon ascension. I mean, Miquella doesn't either. It was, however, owned by Ancient Dragons until Lord of Placidusax "was fled"! Considering that he "awaited his return outside of time" in which he was already wounded, it more likely refers to consequences of battle with Bayle than not!

8) Two Fingers were guiding Marika from the start, they are even featured in talismans depicting birth of the Erdtree from a seed form! Two Fingers ALSO will have a mental breakdown if there is no set 'Order' for five minutes. They don't care what laws of nature are or who establishes them, as long as things don't descent into primordial chaos (aka Elden Ring must not stay broken or otherwise vacant no matter what)

9) Rune of Death was plucked from Golden Order upon its creation, and is found guarded by Maliketh in the place which looks like this:

So, most likely, this is the location in which Elden Ring was placed, before Marika took it inside of her, EXCEPT for Death!

10) Death was owned by Gloam-Eyed Queen until Maliketh defeated her

11) This statue must depict someone who should have been well-liked by either Ancient Dragons or their OG followers (became Banished Knights)

12) It depicts a woman with Shadowbeast, a brand of Empyrean (although hers is unusual as three headed), and GEQ was an Empyrean chosen by Two Fingers

Okay so

After Bayle wounded Placidusax and God knows what else he caused, consequences were that Ancient Dragons no longer could keep Elden Ring, so it remained vacant. It would be nearly as bad as Shattering for the Two Fingers who need a concrete person to shape the laws of nature, nor Greater Will would like the state of primordial chaos! So, they called upon those they've chosen as Empyreans - much like thousands of years later they'd call upon Tarnisheds, and Marika was the most promising one + the one to succeed!

Perhaps this statue IS GEQ, after all! And she didn't really betray Ancients Dragons of course, they were in disarray and could not own Elden Ring anymore after having lost it! Things once broken... etc. But, she allied Marika as second fiddle in her wish to create controlled era glistening with life, rather than letting Death occur the way it used to! Certainly cut the influence of Deathbirds, for one!

I am not sure yet why that allyship went sour! Since GEQ was literal God-Slayer, but Marika killed Fell God herself, I questioned whether fall-out happened before War with the Giants! @val-of-the-north said maybe GEQ refused to kill that guy in particular, because his fire is the one and only threat to the Erdtree but GEQ never thought Marika wanted to actually live forever? Like, she assumed that when the time comes, she or them both would pass the mantle to the next cycle. All things must die someday. I really like this idea! (Also adds the weight to Messmer and Melina being born siblings and allies in being curse upon Marika that I never knew I needed lol)

__________________

Damn, Ymir might blame Metyr and Marika for disarray of the world, but at this rate Greyoll might just hold Bayle's beer hgjhjggh Curse Bayle, indeed. On the other hand, I am a believer that fate can't be outrun and even if one tyrant never existed, another would've taken their place, so...

[finalgirlsamwinchester]

i'm losing my goddamned mind. hello

[froggiewrites]

why are so many of the side effects of antidepressants/anxiety meds also symptoms of depression/anxiety. i feel like god is laughing at me

[so-very-small]

these are my OCs, and their story doesn’t have size difference, but I have an AU where this one is a tiny, and an AU where that one is a tiny, and another AU where this one is a tiny again but different, and another AU where