#my insomnia has been getting soooo bad so any time i sleep through the night it's like WOAH...

[olibavee]

SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT

[apompkwrites]

reader impact || fan service scene: resting with you

series masterlist characters: diluc, xiao, zhongli genre: fluff summary: the creators of genshin impact have graciously gifted the players with a fan service scene featuring you! notes: i know dill's doesn't contain sleeping in your lap,,, i'm sorry but i hope you like what i provided :))

diluc -

diluc isn't one to have many sleep issues.

until the nightmares kick in.

whenever he can't sleep, he tends to just sit in his house.

it's always quiet.

not something you'd want after a nightmare, but he deals with it.

it's better than trying to expose himself to thousands or even millions of people.

but one night, after a particularly harsh nightmare, he remembers that the next day was supposed to be when he streams the newest genshin update.

but, he's already up...

and...

he probably will try to take a nap later today anyway...

soooo.

"i know it's a bit of an early, or late, stream but i was already awake."

his stream is definitely worried because this is the first time he streams at like 2:00 am.

he won't address it, though.

they don't need to know, anyway.

he pretty much tries to ignore any questions about his sleeping habits and opts to answer them very vaguely.

he is excited to play the update because he knows there's some more (name) content :))

he'll get everything done that he needs to do like commissions and events from them nice nice primogems.

and then here he is, ready to start the newest feature.

go to the angel's share.

ah yes, the place his character officially met you for the first time.

(he definitely has issues with interacting with patton before going inside)

the quest basically has diluc go around to collect more things needed for the winery.

pretty simple quest.

canonically, the quest takes the mc a few hours to complete because the materials are everywhere.

so a cutscene plays when he gets back to the dawn winery, which is where charles told him to bring the materials.

he walks inside and there you are.

greeting him with a brief nod and a wave of your hand.

mc drops the items on the table, ready to turn around and leave for another commission.

until you call out to him.

"ah, traveler."

mc turns back around and walks back to stand next to you.

you stand up from your chair and place a hand on their shoulder.

you stare at them for a moment.

"...i apologize. you must have been traveling for a long while to get the materials."

mc tries to wave you off.

"no, no. you'll hurt yourself. hm... come with me."

you literally CARRY MC TO A SPARE ROOM.

EXCUSE ME YOU CAN'T JUST DO THAT SO CASUALLY?!?!?!

anyway, you pull up a chair next to the bed before placing the mc on the bed.

you simply sit in the chair, quietly stroking your thumb along the mc's arm.

"take a break. i'm sure the adventurer's guild will do just fine for now."

diluc is trying his hardest to hold back tears.

he just... really needed this.

xiao -

it's widely known amongst xiao's community that he has insomnia.

he talks about it a lot on how he has trouble sleeping and he even streams on the nights where it gets so bad he doesn't like being alone with his thoughts.

such is the case here where a new update drops and he's up and ready to play.

he greets everyone briefly as they enter the stream, rubbing his eyes and letting out small yawns every once in a while.

they always know when it's an especially hard night for him, so they come prepared with (name) emotes to try and cheer him up.

they don't have the heart to spoil him about the new update and what it includes.

of course, there will always be that one person who tries to spoil something.

the chat sees that and just spams (name) emotes to hide it.

and since xiao is pretty sleep deprived at this point, he doesn't notice.

now he's ready to actually play.

he'll complete his daily commissions and anything else he needs to get done before checking out the newest features.

he does know that there's a part in the update that features you :0

he doesn't know what the actual update is but he just knows that he'll be able to see you again :))

so he's going through the update, right?

just admiring you even if he's half asleep.

and here comes the part that actually almost put him to sleep right there.

his mc and you are walking down the streets of liyue and it's all dark.

there's a few lights here and there.

you two are walking down to the inn he had first met you at.

passing by the boss lady at the front counter.

walking up the stairs.

and there you two are, on the very balcony he ad first seen you on.

"...you seem tired."

his character doesn't say anything (as expected) but just rubs their eyes and nods.

pain is floating beside you two before going off towards the kitchen downstairs.

now it's just you two.

"you should take a rest."

your voice was so soft :))

you look around the balcony before sighing, taking a seat on the ground.

his character stares at you for a bit before you pat your legs.

"i told you to rest, didn't i?"

?!?!?!?!

YOU'RE TELLING HIM

TO LAY DOWN

ON YOUR LAP????

ASJHAKDHAK

ahem.

anyway.

his character takes a bit before finally letting their head rest in your lap.

he's thanking whoever animated this part because it's a POV shot from the mc.

he's just staring up at you.

you're looking down at him with the softest expression he's ever seen.

"...rest now. i won't let anything harm you."

his chat is freaking out.

he's almost asleep at this point.

life is good.

zhongli -

zhongli doesn't have a lot of sleep issues either...

if he did, he'd probably just drink some tea and try to sleep again.

he isn't the type of stream late at night/early in the morning.

because of this, he plays the newest update for genshin at his scheduled time.

some people who watch him are going to bed though, so it's late at night/early in the morning for them :)

he knows this and tries to tell his viewers to get proper rest.

"it isn't good for you to stay up so late."

he really cares about them :))

he's happy to talk to them though.

(he definitely knows people like his voice so he's happy to help them sleep by talking to them)

his daily objectives take longer considering he's taking the time to read to his viewers.

of course, all of the things he's reading are genshin based.

more specifically you, but they don't mind.

anyway, he FINALLY gets his stuff done.

now he's finally ready to start the new (name) quest.

he's like... one or two hours into the stream already.

but he doesn't mind longer stream, especially when it concerns you.

go to third round knockout

ah yes, the little restaurant you go to for stories about yourself.

and, of course, there you are sitting at your usual chair and drinking tea.

you invite him over to sit down, which causes another cutscene to play, talking more about your adventures as a god/dess.

and, to zhongli's delight, the quest fully begins.

the quest follows you and mc going around lie, exploring different areas while you talk about what you've done there in the years you've been alive.

it's a more chill quest that features lore and character building :))

and then you get to a more secluded spot in lieu.

just the two of you.

the sun has already set and the stars are shining down on the two of you.

zhongli isn't saying anything, reveling in the silence as if he were actually there, standing next to you.

and then your character takes a seat in the grass.

and mc follows suit, sitting beside you.

it isn't long before zhongli's character begins to drift off to sleep.

and that's when it happens.

you reach over and pull mc into your lap, your storytelling continuing as if nothing happened.

"this may be awkward, but i noticed you were falling asleep. go on ahead. i'll be happy to share my stories to help you rest."

zhongli, once again, isn't saying anything. he simply lets the cutscene play.

you're still recalling tales of your past, calmly telling them to whoever was listening.

it's calm and quiet.

and zhongli now knows why people love hearing him tell stories as they sleep.

because he is definitely getting that same sensation hearing you recall your past.

[eunchancorner]

C-Can I request a ShinKami tk fic? Shinso is having really bad insomnia and has for the past week, so Denki is there to help tire him out. Might be the best sleep he has in a while UwU

Thanks for the request! Awww ofc you can! I love ShinKami very much :3

  Ler Kaminari, Lee Shinsou

Warning: VERY GAY (then again when are they not lmao)

Word count: 570

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Shinsou sighed as he laid back onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. Yet again another sleepless night, that would no doubt affect his schoolwork. Of course. He let out another sigh as he rolled onto his back and stared at the wall.

Soon his purple gaze shifted to his phone and he sighed for a third time. He picked it up, unlocking it and texting his first contact; his hyperactive boyfriend who he had no doubts was also still awake for very different reasons.

Denki, was, in fact, still very much awake and had been raiding the fridge for a late night snack when he got the text.

Denki… can’t sleep… help

He smiled softly at the small screen and did what any good boyfriend would. He went to Shinsou’s room and opened the door without even knocking, walking over and flopping beside him. “Hiii, baby,” he greeted after already getting into the bed, to which Hitoshi responded by snuggling up to him.

“Mmmm… can’t sleep…” he mumbled, shoving his face into Kaminari’s chest, who ran his fingers through the purple locks of the taller student.

“Aww, my poor baby…” the blonde murmured, falling into thought briefly.

“Damn insomnia…” Shinsou mumbled, “it’s been like this for the past week…”

“Hmm…” he smirked a little as a thought came to mind. “Well… I do have a way of helping you. You ok with that, though?” he asked, cupping Shinsou’s cheek and making him look at his face.

He didn’t know what Denki had in mind, but it was probably better than not being able to sleep now and being stuck in sleepy hell tomorrow, so he nodded.

Kaminari smirked and quickly dug his fingers into Shinsou’s ribs, surprising the teen and pulling laughter from him in a matter of seconds.

“K-Kamihihihi! Quihit, that tihihickles!” he got out around his laughter, pushing at the blonde’s hands and squirming underneath the ticklish touches. “Nohohoho! Ehehehehe!”

“Tickle tickle tickle~” Kaminari whispered into Shinsou’s ear, his breath making him scrunch up as it tickled his ear and made everything worse.

“Nohohoho! Whahat are you dohohohoing!” Hitoshi asked, kicking his feet as he felt Denki’s hand slowly travel lower.

“Well, I have to tire you out, babe. And what better way than with… THIS!” He punctuated his sentence by drilling into Shinsou’s hips.

The scream he let out probably woke the entire dorm.

He fell back into cackles, arching his back and pushing at Kaminari’s hands, unable to do much, his strength already gone from how much laughing he had been doing.

“KAHAHAMIHIHI STAHAHAP THAT TIHIHIHICKLES!!”

“You tired now, Shinsou? Sweetie? Love of my life?” Kami asked, his breath still ghosting over Shinsou’s ear and making him let out the most adorable squeals.

“YEHEHES! PLEHEASE NO MOHOHORE!” he begged, and, suddenly, it stopped. He felt Kami pulling him against his chest again as he let out his loose giggles and gasped for air, suddenly feeling incredibly sleepy. He pressed against his blonde boyfriend, letting out a happy hum as he stopped giggling.

“Thanks, babe…” he mumbled.

“My pleasure, kitty, now sleep,” he heard Kaminari say. And, whether he wanted to or not, he did, falling into one of the most restful sleeps he’d had in a while.

He’d have to ask Kaminari to do this more often.

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I wanted to get the done on National Tkl Day #2 But I put it off, soooo here.

[brunchbitch]

tw marijuana, suicide

a’s 35th birthday is on monday! we’re going up to maine later today and coming back sunday night. then on monday we’re doing presents after i get home from the internship. i got him celtics tickets and i’ve never been to a game so i’m excited! he has said he’s going to quit tobacco on his birthday (he doesn’t smoke straight cigarettes but he sprinkles some tobacoo into his joints every time he rolls them) and i’m going to try to cut down on weed as well. 

it has been really tough to cut down so far and b and i talked about it for a while in session today. ultimately, my motivation to quit is lacking - it’s helped me in soooo many ways. i was reflecting on how awful my insomnia used to be and b said that before he even started working with me, my psychiatrist from 3e impressed on him how difficult sleep is for me and how many different meds we had tried. now it’s not even an issue and i can sleep for 12 hours... as long as i’ve smoked or taken an edible. the idea of sleepless nights, of tossing and turning for 3 hours before falling asleep, of counting the hours until i have to wake up, of obsessing over how tired i’m going to feel the next day... i’m not exactly jumping for joy at the thought of giving up this sleep aid. 

i do recognize the downsides, probably most noticeably some cognitive effects, not feeling quite as sharp or quick as i used to especially with word recall, and the deleterious long-term effects, as well as the difficulty of just feeling dependent on a substance. i really think i would need a to take a break or cut down substantially on his weed usage bc it’s sooooo hard for me not to smoke when he is. but at the same time, i also know that i’m a bad influence on him! he usually doesn’t smoke wednesday or thursday nights, but this week i begged him to roll for us both nights since it’s his birthday weekend. not trying to say i really twisted his arm bc he was happy to do it lol but still, i was the one pushing him. so i’m gonna talk to him about it this weekend but ugh this is so hard.

on a totally different note, i watched a tiktok video to the song of fix you by coldplay and wow... that really brought me right back into my bedroom at the age of 15, sobbing and writing my suicide note. the first 2 or 3 times i attempted, i listened to that song. i called it my “suicide song”. it’s so haunting and sad and makes me feel like i’m yearning for love and connection, for someone to grab my hand and pull me out of the dark hole. it makes me so sad how alone and utterly hopeless i felt. things are much better now, yes, but to be honest, parts of me still wish it had just worked the first time so i wouldn’t have had to go through all the misery that led up to this point. 

i was reading through my hospital record recently and saw one note from an interview with me a day or so after waking up from my most recent attempt. the writer said that i stated i had tried to kill myself 89 times when i know for a fact i said 8 or 9 times (maybe i said 8 to 9) and they heard 89 times, wrote it down in the record, and that was that. then of course that was copy pasted into all the future notes and it’s just frustrating that nobody thought to stop and ask me if they had understood me correctly. as a practitioner, if i was working with someone who stated they had attempted suicide 89 times, i think it would’ve caused me to think a little differently about how they viewed attempts (i.e. maybe including more half-assed attempts or more times in which they had the intent but stopped themselves or something). i don’t mean to imply that my attempts were more “real” than someone who has had dozens of attempts, but it would make me think about their assessment a little differently. i don’t know if what i am trying to say makes sense, but regardless, it really made me realize how important it is to get things down accurately. that will be in my chart forever for any of my future doctors to see. 

[bbrandy2002]

My Love

Chapter Six-Monsters

**So I needed a bit more time than I thought to figure out a change I made to this story. Thanks @dcbbw for talking me through my last minute idea and convincing me to go for it. And OMG @burnsoslow who spent soooo much time editing and working her magic and just for always being an amazing tbff.

Warnings: Attempted murder by beating, rape, mention of infanticide, mental breakdown and god only knows what else. EVIL!!! 

I have been working on this plot twist for two weeks. Just remember, I told you it wouldn’t always be sad.

*********

Amanda lay restless in her bed with a head full of secrets and a heart full of dreams. While staring blankly at the midnight time of her alarm clock, lit brightly in a reddish glow, she thought about the close call with Liam she had not more than 20 minutes ago. She didn’t lie to him; Riley did give her the key to their quarters. Did she also fail to mention to the king that it was the very same key she used on the night of his wife’s death? Of course. Did she also forget to mention to him that plans have been in place for months to procure certain outcomes in the lives of the Cordonian royal family to benefit others? Absolutely.

Amanda wasn’t here of her own doing. This virtually unknown young woman, who started her life as an orphan and found herself related to a queen, was hopeful that she could complete the mission she was sent here for. If everything worked according to plan, tomorrow would set in motion a series of events that was sure to change not only her life, but that of several others.

Thinking about the busy weeks ahead and a princess that was sure to wake for her feeding soon, Amanda rolled away from the illuminating light of her clock and closed her eyes. She fluffed her pillow and nestled further into it, attempting to clear her full mind for now and get some rest. Just as her body became comfortable and started to relax, she heard the voice of the king speaking through the baby monitor. She opened one eye, wondering why he was still up at this hour, then immediately opened the other when she heard him call out for Riley.

Several seconds passed, and she heard him frantically speaking out for his wife again. The sound of a door swinging open and his shuffling about the nursery stirred her from a pending slumber. Amanda pushed the blanket down to her waist and sat up in the bed, listening closer for any clues as to what the hell he was doing. She didn’t hear the baby crying, but curiosity was getting the better of her when she heard what sounded like Liam doing just that. Amanda rolled her eyes and shook her head while thinking about the utter insanity the King of Cordonia had been over the last month. She hoped that this plan would be worth it in the end, because she had grown tired of the weeping and depressive state he seemed to be stuck in. In her home country, a spouse, and often the offspring, were considered something of objects -- disposable ones at that. Amanda was surprised by his behavior and inability to just get over his wife’s death already.

The former personal assistant who was now serving as Ellie’s nanny, was living proof of what being unwanted and unloved entailed. It was possibly why she didn’t mind being used for this assignment. Being manipulated for the betterment of others was just the price she had always paid to be included and feel needed. It was too bad. Riley never treated her this way; poisoning the queen, who had been so kind to her, was one of the most difficult things she had ever done.

Ellie’s soft cries began to make their way through the baby monitor and Amanda groaned sleepily, knowing the King had undoubtedly woken her up with his emotional breakdown and commotion. She sighed and tossed the rest of the blankets back, swinging her feet to the floor.

Still tying her robe as she entered the nursery, an apologetic Liam was picking up his wailing daughter from her crib. Amanda backed out of the room quietly and planted her back against the wall beside the nursery door. His ass woke her up, he can get her back to sleep.

It was nothing personal against Ellie - she had grown quite fond of the baby. The consequences of Liam’s decisions, however, necessitated these uncontrite and acrimonious feelings toward him. How she would ever be able to pretend to love and care for a man that she loathed had been inconceivable, but she was confident she had played her part well enough - without anyone batting an eye - that she would continue to get away with it.

Amanda stood motionless and silent outside the room while she listened intently to see if she would be needed to assist with Ellie,intrigued to find out why Liam was calling out for his late wife in his daughter’s room.

Liam shifted Ellie from his arms to his shoulder while he rubbed soothing circles over her tiny back. He nuzzled his cheek over her featherlike blonde hair and paced about the room in an effort to lull her back to sleep. Still reeling from the voice of his wife - that he knew he clearly heard - his startled baby’s cries gave him pause.

“I’m so sorry, my princess.” he whispered tenderly. “Daddy never meant to scare you.”

Ellie’s small fist clenched and shook vigorously against his chest, which only enhanced his guilt and remorse. Eyeing the rocking chair next to her crib, he slowly walked back across the nearly dark room while bouncing rhythmically and methodically.

Lowering into the chair, he kissed the top of his daughter’s head and ran his thumb across her cheek to dry the red-hot tears that were streaming down it.

Liam closed his eyes as he moved back and forth with the rocker, continuing to calm his daughter’s fears.

Amanda listened as he spoke to Ellie about hearing her mother’s voice singing and how it elicited a reaction in him he was sorry for. She turned her head away and covered her mouth to stifle her laugh. He told me he was a little paranoid … my ass ... he is freaking losing his mind. She bit her lower lip with exuberance and prowled back to her room in time to hear that the baby’s cries had ceased. Amanda pulled her phone out of the drawer next to her bed and sent a series of text updates before she crawled back into her bed and fell asleep moments later.

**************

Bright and early the next morning, Liam sat alone at the helm of the conference table while he awaited the arrival of the council. He had no desire to attend this meeting, especially on this first day of resuming his official duties since Riley’s murder.

Leaning back in the chair and tapping his fountain pen nervously against the notebook before him, he muddled through the events of the prior evening. He knew what he heard last night. Liam heard Riley’s voice so clearly and distinctly that there was no doubt in his mind that it couldn’t have been his imagination. Her sweet voice was all he had wanted to hear for weeks, and when she wasn’t in the nursery, it shattered him. That brief moment of hope over the prospect that everything since her death had just been a bad dream was swept away like a mighty tidal wave when she wasn’t there. It felt like losing her all over again with a heart that was already swollen with grief beyond what it could bear.

He dropped the pen on the notepad and rubbed his heavily tired eyes; that old familiar sting behind them from weeks of insomnia made it difficult to keep them open. Liam’s secretary refilled his coffee mug while members of the council began to file into the room. Each one offered their condolences or a sympathetic nod as they passed by … with the exception of one.

As the council settled into their places around the table, all eyes looked to Neville for an explanation of this impromptu meeting.

Liam took a sip of his coffee and nodded to the future Earl of Cormery Isle. “Lord Vancouer, you called this meeting. Would you please enlighten the council as to what is so important that it couldn’t wait until later in the week?”

Neville straightened in his seat and plastered on a smarmy grin.

“Your Majesty, it has been over 30 days now since the passing of the Queen. The citizens of my island are becoming concerned that there are no plans in place yet to replace Her Majesty.”

Drake let out a sardonic laugh. “You have got to be fucking kidding me. Tell me you’re joking.”

Hana placed her hand on Drake’s arm and eyed Neville with a wicked glare. “I’m wondering the same thing. What are you trying to do, Neville?”

The members of the council broke out into uproarious chatter while Liam dropped his head and remained outwardly calm and silent. He knew what Neville’s counter would be; it hit him like a ton of bricks at that very moment. Liam knew the law better than anyone in that room; he also knew from personal experience with his father what Neville was about to say.

Neville loudly cleared his throat and drew the attention of the council back to him. “I shouldn’t be surprised by the lack of knowledge of our political system by the people who surround me - especially you, Mr. Walker. Need I remind all of you of the Cordonian law that states that a social season should take place within 60 days to replace a vacated monarch’s position? Here we are, on day 31 since Queen Riley died, without any plans finalized to do just that.”

Once again, all ire fell on Neville as shouts in his direction took over the room.

Olivia slammed her hand on the table and quickly stood, drawing silence and recognition from everyone. “Lord Vancouer! Now let me remind you of what else the law says. The bylaws in section 2709C state that unanimous assent from the council can prolong the social season for up to a year. I see no need at this time to carry out a social season while this country is still mourning the death of its very popular queen!”

“I agree with the Duchess.” Bertrand exclaimed, followed by shouts of conciliation.

Madeleine closed her binder and glanced over to the far end of the table where Olivia was taking her seat again. She crossed her arms and let out a small sigh. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Olivia. There are enough women in this room who can fill in for the duties of the Queen … I understand if I can’t be one of them after what my father has done; however, I’m willing to help out in any way I can.”

Every member of the council had their chance to speak about their concerns, and each member was satisfied that there were enough people willing to step in to ensure that the stability of the crown and country would remain intact.

Drake leaned back in his seat and rested his hands behind his head. “Satisfied now, dickhead?” He grabbed the pen laying on the table before him and clicked the end of it to release the head from its casing. “I say we vote now.”

Neville smirked across the table from Drake while pompously steepling his fingers together. “Yes, Mr. Walker. I’m ready to vote as well. Remember you need unanimous consent from the council, and you have yet to convince me to change my mind. Thank you for not drawing out the inevitable.”

“How about I draw out your throat and shove it up your ass, you useless piece of shit!”

“Drake.” Liam held up his hand and finally spoke out for the first time since the meeting began, having heard enough. He knew Drake could handle Neville, and he usually found it rather entertaining, however, his life literally lay in the hands of the lord from Cormery Isle. It was obvious that the entire council, which also included Hakim, Landon, and Maxwell, was fine prolonging the social season for one year. Even at that time, Liam knew he wouldn’t be ready to marry another woman. There was no one who could replace Riley and he would concede there never would be, He would deal with that issue when the time came and not when he was completely caught off guard.

“Lord Neville,” Liam stated, twisting his wedding band anxiously. “You’ve heard the rest of the council, now I’m asking you to hear me. Your reasoning for holding a social season and having me marry again is no longer valid. It benefits no one in this room, nor Cordonia, and I’ve heard nothing of these concerns you speak of from the people of Cormery Isle. Also, I need to remind you of my infant daughter, who has just lost her mother, and doesn’t need the only parent she has left traipsing around the country when she needs me.” Liam looked pleadingly at Neville, revealing his vulnerability at that moment, hoping to garner sympathy from him. “Can I count on you to do what’s right for Cordonia, Neville?”

Neville fidgeted with his coffee mug, staring at it while he mulled over the king’s words. He looked up, his dull brown eyes looking straight into the bright blue, weary eyes of the leader of his country. He shrugged his shoulders and let out a heavy sigh. “You can count on me, sir.”

Liam nodded in approval and let out the breath he was holding. “Thank you, Lord Vancouer.”

Liam’s secretary passed out default ballots that the council only had to write a simple yea or nay for. Once everyone finished voting, she collected the ballots and handed them to be read by Bertrand.

The Duke of Ramsford stood from his seat and read each ballot’s vote aloud.

Liam glanced over at the empty seat next to him, the placard of his wife still mounted to the table before it. The room seemed to drift away with each vote read, all in his favor, yet he couldn’t believe he was even having to entertain that blowhard’s idea of marrying right now. His eyes met the back wall where the royal portrait of his late wife adorned the golden frame next to his. Her smile, her poise, her confidence gave him strength. Even in such a regal photo, he could see her love for him. God, I miss her so much.

Liam diverted his eyes away from the photo to peek over at Bertrand who was standing, slack-jawed, holding the last ballot in his shaky hand. The look of astonishment on the Duke of Ramsford’s face caused Liam’s heart to sink further into his chest.

He knew in that instant he had been betrayed.

“Bertrand?” Maxwell questioned.

Bertrand looked down at his brother to acknowledge him but quickly turned his attention back to the ballot.

“The last vote …” he stammered, “... is nay.”

With those words, Liam felt like a hand had reached around his throat and started to strangle him.

All glares turned to Neville, who played off his innocence. Chaos and disorder took over the room as members of the council shouted their displeasure at him while he maintained his position with a satisfied smile. That smile only fed into Drake’s anger and disdain for him.

“Motherfucker!” Drake jumped up from his chair, climbed across the table, and lunged at the man who once challenged him - and lost - in a duel. Neville’s chair fell backwards with Drake still taking swings at his face, both men falling into heaps on the floor. The King’s Guards were summoned into the room to quell the violent commotion that had ensued.

Liam’s fate had been sealed by one person: his Judas. The man who moments ago looked him straight in the eyes and assured him he would not do what he just did. The chaos in that room, the betrayal, the thought of having to endure another social season so soon after losing his wife was too much.

Completely dazed, he pushed his chair away from the table and silently walked out.

*************

Liam returned to his office, a shell of himself, and rifled through weeks of paperwork and memos awaiting his return. He wanted to forget what just took place. here was no way in hell he would remarry, and certainly not right now. He ran a hand down his face and grabbed the first file from a stack in front of him, hopeful that if he immersed himself in work, it would take his mind off everything.

It didn’t.

He thumbed through the file momentarily before tossing it back onto his desk. What Neville did was unconscionable and only served to fester his anger. In 29 days, a new social season would start. A new barrage of women would throw themselves at him. He would be expected to plaster on a smile, dine and dance the night away with them, listen to their breakdown of qualities that made them perfect to become his wife - his queen. He would look around a packed ballroom and be constantly reminded that the love of his life was not in attendance, that she was ruthlessly taken away from him, and he would be expected to carry on as if none of it ever mattered.

That was the life he thought he would have before Riley, but she was a game changer. Before her, Liam was prepared to shoulder the duties and responsibilities of the crown, to give up his life to serve Cordonia.

As he stared at the stockpile of paperwork, he processed what the crown had cost him and realized he no longer wanted that duty. He ran a trembling hand through his hair and contemplated his abdication. He believed it was the only course of action left.

He shook his head as he suddenly became aware of the fact his daughter was now next in line, and that was not something he wanted to burden her with. If he gave up the throne, he could serve as King Regent until her 18th birthday, but he couldn’t put her in that position at such a young life. He wanted her to experience life and be able to make that decision for herself when the time came.

As his heart pounded and his breaths became labored, Liam placed both hands on one end of his desk and clenched his jaw before ferociously sweeping his desk clear of everything upon it.

“We have to get out of here.”

**************************

Amanda had received a text from Neville following the council meeting that requested she meet with him. After telling one of the maids she had an emergency, she grabbed her purse and phone and left the baby in their care.

Stepping cautiously into a secluded area of the local park, Amanda stretched her neck looking for the man she had met there several times before. The area was surrounded by trees and brush, and it was a place they could discuss their plans without the watchful eye of bystanders or cameras.

Leaning up against a tree, she pulled out her phone to check if he sent another message telling her he was running late. Feeling annoyed by his unusual tardiness and no text, she began absentmindedly pulling pieces of bark from the tree while stewing in her thoughts.

No one knew she was Amalas’ cousin, nor that she was sent there by her to take on the personal assistant job for Riley. Amalas wanted the alliance and marriage pact between her child and that of the then-heavily pregnant Queen of Cordonia. Amanda was to get in her good graces, report updates back to Monterisso, and help influence Riley’s decision to look favorably upon their country.

Liam’s reluctant decision to enter into an alliance with Auvernal changed everything.

A new plan was put in place, one that was never intended to be deadly. Still, Amalas felt it was a small price to pay to get what she wanted. With Riley out of the way, the Black Widow of Monterisso reached out to Neville, whose ruthless reputation was unprecedented. He agreed to host Amanda during a social season he would push for. Amanda would volunteer saying she knew Riley and had been taking care of Ellie since her birth, feeding on Liam’s sympathies and loyalty to his child. If she could marry Liam, she could funnel money, get favor for Monterisso, and force him to break the marriage pact between Bradshaw’s son and Ellie.

The rustling of brush drew Amanda from her thoughts as she looked up to see Neville plowing through, cursing at the tiny branch that smacked his already-battered face.

Amanda scrunched up her face when she took in his black eye and busted lip. “What happened to you?”

Neville pulled out his handkerchief and swiped away the dirt and broken leaves on his brown suede jacket. “Never mind that,” he replied with a growl.

He proceeded to tell her the social season was a go, and that he had already filled a very-pleased Amalas in on the drive over.

“That’s great! So when do we get started?”

Neville dabbed at the sore on his lip and checked his finger to see if there was still blood. Damn that Walker.

“Don’t get too eager just yet, Miss Talbert.”

Amanda furrowed her brow. “Why? Everything is going our way.”

He pulled his handkerchief out again and tried to control the slight bleeding from his lower lip. “Amalas has one more thing she wants you to do before the social season starts. One more thing to ensure her position and standing with Cordonia.”

Amanda averted her eyes from Neville, feeling queasy after he licked the blood from his wound. “What?”

He smiled devilishly. “Kill Princess Eleanor.”

***************

Liam stormed out of his office and yelled for Bastien, trailing behind him, to have the jet ready. He returned to his quarters, not questioning or caring why the maid was caring for Ellieat that moment. He had hit rock bottom and reached a level of misery that he could no longer sustain. His behavior was erratic as he entered his bedroom closet, pulling out two suitcases and plopping them down on the bed.

He grabbed handfuls of clothes as he raced back and forth between the closet and the bed to stuff them inside his luggage. There was only one thing left he knew to do, and that was for he and Ellie to get the hell out of Cordonia.

With sweat pooling around his forehead, he grabbed what was needed from the bathroom and tossed everything inside with his clothes.

“I’m coming, Liam!”

******************

Amanda whipped her gaze back to Neville, shocked by his statement. “She wants me to kill the princess? Absolutely not!”

Neville laughed with amusement. “Silly girl. You act like you have a choice in the matter. With the princess gone, it breaks the marriage pact with Auvernal. Once you are able to seduce the King and secure the next heir, you will convince him an alliance with Monterisso is in Cordonia’s best interest. Besides, it's not the first time you’ve taken out a member of the royal family … the baby should be a breeze compared to poisoning the queen.”

Amanda turned away from Neville. She had followed her role with precision; she had deceived Riley, and she did murder her. Ellie was different. Despite her evil ways, Amanda did care for the baby, and she hoped to fill the mother role in her life.

Neville placed a commanding hand on her shoulder. “Miss Talbert, are we clear?”

Amanda shook Neville’s hand from her shoulder and turned around to face him. “No,” she answered assertively.

He cocked his head and creased his brows. “Did you just tell me ‘no’? Need I remind you who you are dealing with, and what you have already done for her?”

“I don’t care! Ellie is off limits!”

Amanda quickly brushed past Neville. He grabbed her arm and pulled her back. She tried to twist and turn out of his tight grasp, but he wouldn’t release her.

“Let me go!”

She was becoming increasingly panicky by the struggle and his menacing laugh. With one swift kick to his groin, Neville let go of her arm and doubled over in pain. “You are dead, bitch!”

Amanda took off through the thick brush while Neville limped steadily behind her. Everything went in slow motion as she swiped away at the sharp thickets covered by thorns and tattered sticks. Her breathing and heartbeat increased with each step, while tiny cuts from the bristles scraped across the palms of her hands.

Just as she was nearing the edge where a clearing to the park was visible, she felt the painful thud to the back of her skull.

Amanda dropped face down on the ground while blood poured like flows of lava from the open wound.

Neville looked around to see if anyone was nearby before dealing a series of continuous blows with a large, broken branch, to the near-lifeless body that lay at his feet.

*****************

Liam stopped what he was doing when he heard the invisible voice.

“Riley?”

His eyes darted around the room. Hewanted so badly to believe she was speaking to him.

“I’m losing my mind, Ri! I’m losing my mind!” he wailed while clasping fistfuls of his hair.

Liam’s vision blurred, and he literally felt his blood pump through every vein in his body. His legs wobbled, his hands went numb, and a crushing pressure took over his chest. A sudden knock on the bedroom door caused him to wrench.

“Li! It’s Drake. Let me in, buddy.”

Liam focused on the locked door handle that was jerking wildly as his best friend tried to open it. His body began to sway as the room started to circle around him. He stumbled to the side and placed both palms on the bed to catch his balance.

“Go … away ... Drake!” he yelled weakly.

The doorknob continued to twist, the room continued to spin, his vision became spotty and dark. A cold sweat broke out over his body and sent a shiver down his spine.

“Liam! I’m going to break down the goddamn door! Let me in!”

Liam never heard Drake’s threats. That desperate craving for peace he had longed for finally gave in as he collapsed to the floor.

***************

Neville arched his back and grunted quietly when he finished his climax. He pulled himself out of the woman he had just beaten, removed the condom, and tossed it away from the scene. 

He grabbed Amanda’s phone, stuffed it into his jacket, and checked around him for any incriminating evidence he might leave behind. Once Neville was sure the area was clear, he eased out of the thickets and made his way down the path that led out of the park. There was still one more thing he needed to do.

***************

Bastien was able to break down the bedroom door that Liam had locked.

“Your Majesty!” he shouted and ran to assist his King, who lay on the floor unconscious.

The head guard placed two fingers on Liam’s cold neck and waited impatiently for signs of a pulse. Bastien’s eyes widened in horror and looked to Drake, who hunched beside him. “Call an ambulance, now!”

*****************

A park ranger was in the middle of chest compressions on Amanda when emergency technicians arrived on the scene. He moved out of the way and watched helplessly as the young woman he found beaten and exposed in the brush received the first of several shocks by a portable AED device. As it scanned for a pulse, another technician worked to control the bleeding that seeped from her head wound.

“We have a pulse! Let’s go!”

Amanda was strapped to a stretcher and rushed to a nearby awaiting ambulance. As the siren blared and monitors were connected to her chest, the woman’s eyes began to flutter open, much to the surprise of those who worked on her.

Confused by her whereabouts and what was happening, she attempted to speak and lift her head that was already restrained to the stretcher.

“Ma’am, don’t try to move.”

“I … I …” she muttered and tried to gasp for air.

A male EMT looked down into her brown eyes and wiped away the blood that had cascaded into them. Another worker placed a nasal cannula into her nostrils in an effort to deliver supplemental oxygen.

“I … need … Liam.” Her voice was weak but came out assertively.

She could feel the tightening of the blood pressure cuff around her arm and winced in pain. There was so much urgency around her and the pain she felt was unbearable, but there was only one thought on her mind.

“Liam!”

As the tip of a sharp needle pierced into the vein of her frail hand, she blinked back tears. She had no idea what had happened nor where she was, but one thing was for certain -- she knew exactly who she was when asked.

“Brooks … Riley Brooks.”

[sherlollydramoine]

If You Only Knew

This is a request by @breadnbutternips thank you for recommending about six million songs before this one stuck and the ideas started flowing. You are my favorite music lady… and I seriously can’t thank you enough for the recommendations.

This is a song fic based on Shinedown’s “If You Only Knew”.. fic title taken from the song! :)

This immediately follows the song fic I wrote called Eyes Closed  so I’d recommend you read that one first if you haven’t already. Just like in the other piece the text messages are in bold and the song lyrics are in italics. 

Thank you to @xmxisxforxmaybe for your suggestions and edits. :) Love you! You have really been an incredible cheerleader for this piece and I don’t know if I have enough words to truly thank you!!

Warnings: ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST ANGST, sad Rami, alcohol consumption, cigarette smoking, depression, insomnia, and language.

Word Count: 3,445

If you only knew I’m hanging by a thread, the web I spin for you. If you only knew I’d sacrifice my beating heart before I’d lose you. I still hold onto the letters you returned. I swear I lived and learned. 

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep. Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea. If I drown tonight, bring me back to life. Breathe your breath in me. The only thing I still believe in is you, if you only knew.

Laying in bed staring at the ceiling again. It’s another one of those nights, the kind where sleep remains elusive and the brain can’t slow down. I can’t help it really but I wish she was here right now because I’m still not understanding why she walked away four months ago and never returned. It wasn’t like we’d never fought before because we had, or did, and often. No matter what had ever happened though she’d never just disappeared after an argument because we’d never had a problem working through everything together. Sure things were never perfect  with us but we’d always managed to navigate our way through all of the hurts.

I find it increasingly difficult to manage my feelings about this entire situation. She’d not only left us behind, but also everything she owned, which left me trapped in a living breathing memory. Some days or nights depending on my work schedule I awake barely able to breathe and even now, on the worst nights, I still find myself reaching out for her. I hate the fact that I’m still so irrevocably in love with her and I’m barely hanging on. I miss her so badly the ache in my chest is always unbearable. 

I’ve barely been able to sleep since she left, all I can do is toss and turn in a way that reminds me of the sea during a storm. Oddly, that’s exactly what I feel like emotionally, physically, and mentally. Some days I feel like with just the slightest provocation I lash out at those closest to me with the anger and rage bubbling just beneath the surface. Other times I am constantly on the verge of tears, ready to break down and let all the hurt leave my body through my eyes. 

People in my life keep trying to tell me to move on, to let her and us go but I can’t. I often tell them that I’d rather carve out my own heart than allow myself to give up on her. I’m drowning without her. Absolutely drowning, and she isn’t here to save me. With a deep sigh I decide to get out of bed since there is no point trying to sleep when my mind is like this.

I stand up and stretch my aching muscles as it had been a long and physically demanding day at work, before I drop to my knees beside the bed and reach under it to pull out the box that I keep hidden there. It mostly just contains all the letters that I’ve written her over the last four months that all ended up being returned to me. I know she is still here in New York somewhere but her friends won’t tell me how to find her. I only wish she’d have kept these letters, the written words that were partially angry, partially sad, and mostly just pleading for her to come home. I want her to know that I’ve learned from my mistakes and how deeply I miss her. 

Taking the box with me I find myself in the kitchen where I locate a random bottle of liquor. At this point I don’t care what it is so long as I can feel the burn as it makes its way down my esophagus and into my stomach.

If you only knew how many times I counted all the words that went wrong. If you only knew how I refuse to let you go, even when you’re gone. I don’t regret any days I spent, nights we shared or letters that I sent. 

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep. Without you next to me I toss and turn like the sea. If I drown tonight, bring me back to life. Breathe your breath in me. The only thing I still believe in is you, if you only knew.

After a while I realize that I’ve probably consumed way too much of whatever the clear liquid was, because the tears start forming at the corners of my eyes. Lifting the bottle of the counter I take a long pull directly from the bottle because I couldn’t be fucked with finding a glass. Taking the lid off the box that contained all the letters I’d written her that had all come back to me. Return to sender in big bold letters, stamped on the front of it.

I don’t think she knows how often I replay the events of that night in my head. It’s like a bad song stuck on repeat-I’ll never forget it.

I can’t bring myself to let go of her and the memories of our years together. Why would I? But then again, why can’t I let go? Who wants to live in a cycle of never ending pain? 

I pull the first letter out of the box. Even if the date wasn’t stamped on the front of it, I’d still know the exact order of each letter I sent. Resisting the urge to tear it open and read it because I don’t want to relive those words. I know what each letter says. Every word. The first letter contains exactly five hundred words. The second letter has exactly six hundred and eighty-seven, the third letter has four hundred and eleven, and the fourth letter contains nine hundred and forty-five words, but the fifth and final letter only one has nine. I only know this because I counted every word I wrote. I’m not sure why I felt compelled to do it, but how does one say they are sorry? How many words does it take? In my case, two thousand five hundred and fifty-two words.

Two thousand five hundred and fifty-two words she’ll never read, she’ll never know about, and words that I so badly want her to hear.

Finding myself desperately trying to hold back the tears that I know are coming and I pick up my now almost empty bottle of liquor swallowing down the last bit of it. Releasing another sigh into the quietness of the apartment before I toss the shiny glass bottle into the sink. It lands with a loud clinking noise but thankfully doesn’t shatter. I doubt I would have cared if it did, it would have looked just how I imagine my heart does.

If you only knew I still hold onto the letters you returned. You help me live and learn. 

It’s 4:03 and I can’t sleep without you next to me. I toss and turn like the sea. If i drown tonight, bring me back to life, breathe your breath in me. The only thing that I still believe in is you. I still believe in you. Oh, if you only knew.

Glancing at the clock on the stove, I realize that it’s just after four am and I really should try and get to sleep but I’m drowning - in pain,anger, love; I don’t even know anymore. It kills me that she’ll never know how I feel but drunken anger begins bubbling to the surface and I pick up the first letter that I ever sent her. This one was part love letter, part apology, and part angry ranting. Moving slowly to the kitchen sink and picking up my lighter that was sitting next to my cigarettes on the counter I bitterly smile as the crinkled edge of the paper catches the flame.

I stand there mesmerized as I watch the flames dance up one side of the paper before it quickly spread to the rest of the envelope. My words now nothing but ash, falling away into the sink as if they never existed. Continuing to watch bitterly I suddenly find myself filled with panic and I drop the flaming mess into the wet sink. No! I can’t give up on her just yet. Not yet.

Suddenly my phone pings with a notification and the screen lights up and I feel like I did four months ago; hopeful. There was no fighting the urge to check my phone and I was unable to resist picking it up. Looking down at the screen my breath catches in my throat and I have to fight back a sob. It was her! 

The text that I’d been waiting for, for too long was now staring at me. 

“I’m sorry. I miss you.”

Five words. That’s all it took to completely wreck my already fragile and unstable emotional state. The alcohol takes over my body and with trembling hands I quickly type out a reply.

“Me too. I love you YN. Can we talk?”

Nine words. Simple right? Effective? Can those nine words really convey everything that I’m feeling?

I don’t wait for her to respond because I find myself listening to a dial tone, holding my phone to my ear with shaking hands and my head still reeling. I’m not even sure I’m fully comprehending exactly what is happening at this moment.

“Hello,” I hear her say. Her voice sounds quiet but there is a slight hopefulness to it. 

“Hey,” I manage to say. I bury my face in my hands and try to stifle a groan. Real fucking smooth Rami, real smooth.

“Soooo, how are you?” She asks this time, and now she sounds nervous. It was hard to hear what she was saying because there was some kind of commotion in the background.

I wanted to tell her, but I found myself unable to find the words, mumbling, “Not that great, Y/N.”

“Why?”she asks, sounding distracted and distant, and I couldn’t help but to scoff. 

“Are you fucking serious?” I ask. 

“Yeah. But I-” she stops herself. The speaker of my phone makes  a loud and strange crackling noise followed by what sounds like a car door slamming shut. Hushed voices are  muttering something unintelligible in the background as I stand  in the middle of my kitchen feeling crazy. What is  she doing? Who is  she talking to? 

Did she completely forget she was on the phone with me?

“YN-I- “ I try to speak, but again am unable to form anything comprehensible at the point.

“Rami, I’m sorry. I- look. How was your day?” she inquires, though her voice sounds strained.

“It was the same shit, different day like always. Today was a tough one physically, mentally and emotionally,” I mutter. I’m not sure she’s even listening and this conversation feels so weird to me. I thought that when we finally spoke again, it would be easy like it had almost always been.

“I’m sorry your day was so rough, mine wasn’t all that great either. They usually never are,” she says with a tone that is tinged with a sort of resigned sadness. 

“If there is one thing I understand YN, it’s how it feels to have some not great days. Do you want to talk about it?” I bravely offer, even though I’m not so sure I really want to hear it at this point.

“Not really Rami, not really,” she says again.

“It’s alright. You know you can talk to me about whatever is bothering you. 

She softly giggles for a few seconds before she speaks up and this time her voice belies the fact that she’d just been giggling, “I know Rami.”

 Her small little chuckle is music to my ears and I could swear I just died and went to heaven. 

“Rami, why have you not been great?” she asks again, this time her tone is one of curiosity and all I can think to myself is “Is she really fucking serious right now?” 

“YN. I-I-I just.” I try to say but trip and stumble over my own words. I’m floundering and I’ve barely been able to speak to her. Do I tell her the truth?

I take a deep breath before allowing myself to start saying what I’ve wanted to say since she asked me this question only a few moments ago.

“I’ve been fucking drowning, forcing myself to live in a fucking memory because I can’t escape you and–” I couldn’t help but to look down at the floor and I could feel my cheeks heating with embarrassment. 

“And?” her tense voice cuts in.

“And I don’t want to. All I ever wanted was you. I can’t sleep for shit and I can barely focus, even at work. Baby, I’m barely living. Nothing-nothing that happened that night made any fucking sense and I haven’t been able to bring myself to move anything or change anything here since you walked away.”

My eyes scan the dark living room and take in the blanket still draped over the back of the couch as she’d left it. A pile of outdated women’s fashion magazines on the side table, along with her well worn copy of Pride & Prejudice with her favorite tattered green book mark wedged between the well worn pages. 

I can hear her sharp intake of breath and I know I’ve hit a sore spot.I try to keep myself from crying because I know those words have stunned her into silence. Hating the fact that I’m drunk right now, and hell she might be too, but hating even more that I am no longer in control and cannot  stop the word vomit caused by all of these overwhelming feelings.

All I hear is white noise. The kind of buzz that comes from being in a car while it’s driving, or walking on the street while the traffic rushes by. This is New York City where the noise is never ending especially on a Friday or Saturday night. 

“Are you still there?” I ask, afraid I’ve said too much but angry she isn’t saying more at this moment. I know I’m the one that called her, but she texted me first, so that has to mean something right?

“I’m here,” she says, a little out of breath. “Rami, I-” she starts but gives up, and all I can hear is a sad sigh on the other end, and for some reason it causes the burning anger to resurface. I know I should quit while I’m ahead, but I can’t do that, I’ve never been able to do that with her.

“If you’ve got nothing to say baby, that’s alright. I’ve got a lot to say,” I deadpan. I can only hear her breathing now and it nearly sounds as if she’s crying. My heart breaks a little more but I continue. 

"My world crashed and burned when you left and I’m so angry. YN, so angry with you! ”

“I-I-understand. I guess it’s what I deserve. I up and left you. I just- fuck,” she stammers, and she sounds hesitant. Like she wants to say something more but she doesn’t know what.

“I am mad and hurt Y/N, but all I want is you. And I don’t care if that’s selfish-all I want is you here with me. Just for one Goddamn night so that I can find some peace again,” I say as I rub my face with my free hand. My hands feel fidgety and I hate the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach when the anxiety begins to claim its hold on me.

In my irritation, I swipe at the box on the counter that contains the letters and watch as the papers flutters to the floor and the box lands with a soft thud on the hardwood. The act was childish and didn’t serve any real purpose in the relief of my emotional crisis, but I took a small delight in it. My next move is as definitely more adult as I reach across the counter for my cigarettes, plucking one from the carton and lighting it up.

Still nothing but silence on her end and now I’m worried I’ve really gone and fucked this up. I take a deep pull from the cigarette before exhaling the grey smoke into the darkness of the kitchen. If she isn’t going to speak, I’ve got more to say. 

“YN, baby, I just want to hear your laughter again, see your smile. You-you haunt me. My dreams are filled with you and us, our memories. Sometimes my dreams of you are just fantasies or a hope for-” I cut myself off again. 

I feel so foolish right now as I’m spilling my guts, leaving myself open and bare for her to do with as she pleases and she hasn’t given me much. I’m stupidly clinging to a hope that was so easily triggered by five little words and a phone call that I initiated. 

“Rami I-. I’m sad too but I love you,” she says so quietly I can barely hear her. I don’t even know that I was supposed to. 

There is so much more that I want to say but suddenly I find that I can’t. My chest aches at her quiet confession and my head swirls with thoughts of what ifs, maybes, and whys. 

The quiet between us is tense, and if not for all the background noise blaring through the tiny phone speaker, I would have thought that she had hung up on me. 

Exhaling more smoke into the air,I lean towards the sink as I rid my cigarette of the excess ash. I want to say something to her but I hesitate with my hand halfway to my mouth. I stare at my hand for a moment before I put the cigarette to my lips and I take another deep pull then exhale; repeat.

I can hear her take a breath and it sounds as if she is trying to breathe through sobs as she begins to speak. 

“Rami I’m so sorry. Baby I’m so fucking sorry. I-I-I love. I’m so fucking sorry.”

Leaning against the counter in the kitchen, glowing cigarette in my hand, I glance up at the clock on the stove again, the glowing numbers read 4:25 am.  She probably just accidentally drunk texted me after being out with friends tonight and the last thing she was expecting was to have this conversation.

Finishing my cigarette I toss it in the sink and turn on the water for a few seconds before I let out another sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose in frustration. Why is she unable to say anything? I feel like I’ve bared my soul and she has still given me very little in return though she has uttered the word love. 

Honestly, opening my mouth is the last thing I should have done at this moment but apparently I have no impulse control tonight. I start to feel an overwhelming sadness due to feeling as if this conversation was futile and I’ve got my brain telling me I’ve likely ruined any chance of a reconciliation.

My voice almost breaks as I find the words I was searching for. I’m near tearfully scolding her now but I’m also ripping myself to pieces. I’m not an innocent party in all of this; I’m just trying to place blame because I’ve had a difficult time accepting my new reality. 

Loneliness. 

“You should be, but I-I’m to blame for this mess as well baby. I wasn’t listening to you and all you were trying to do was communicate how you were feeling. God baby, how could we have fucked this up so badly? How? Fucking five years together and it all came tumbling down over one stupid fucking moment. All because-” 

My speech is interrupted by a loud knocking on the door. My head snaps up and my mouth snaps shut as I glare at my door, the rhythmic sound unrelenting and only furthering my agitation. 

“Who the fuck would-” I complain as I make my way to the front door. Turning the lock and swinging the door open, I’m ready to give whoever it is a piece of my mind, but instead, my jaw goes slack and my phone clatters to the floor. 

There she is in all her glory, at nearly 4:30 am, wearing one of my old hoodies; the one she’d been wearing the night she left me.

Tag List: @txmel @free-rami @warmommy @mrhoemazzello @itsme690 @ramimedley @safinsscar @ladyr0b0t @youthtea @ramisgirl512 @hissom1933 @spacedustmazzello @sassystrawberryk @ramimalekpan @doing-all-write @itslula1991 @imnottiredofgettingoveryou @alottanothing @mezzomercury @theultraviolencefan @the-real-ramimalekpeen @hazeleyedbeth @w0lfglrl17 @adoremalek @rawmemalek @lunasasylum @lablanchett @diasimar @zodiyack @sasha–1996 @rami-malek-trash​ @seven-seas-of-ham-on-rhye​ 

[mimzy-writing-online]

Some Blind Things I (and actual blind person) Have Done

I talk all the time about what’s realistic for a blind person to do and how to write a blind character who isn’t a complete media myth of touching faces and super powers... soooo, part of that is knowing what kind of things an actual blind person (me) fucks up doing because I’m blind.

These moments include: Me sarcastically telling people I cannot see the thing they’re doing. Moments where I have zero manners. Moments where I do have manners. Making people uncomfortable because they’re staring at me. Great phrases like, “I have too much ADHD to count to eight.” and “It’s literally illegal for me to drive.” and “Wait, who are you?” “That’s not how we talk to people Mimzy.” My cats’ growing concern that I can’t see them or tell them apart but continuing to love me. Channeling my inner Toph Bei-Fong. Updates on the ongoing insomnia writing.

There’s no chronological order to them, I’m not sure there’s going to be any order to them at all, but it’s 3 am and I can’t sleep and it’s called the Late Night Writing Advice Blog for a reason.

(I definitely did not have to double check my own blog title while typing that, definitely not)

Note: This list gets a little long, but it’s a funny read and I was up until 4:30 (this note is from a future Mimzy who’s almost finished posting this, after 1.5 hours)

Additional Note: Feel free to send anons with commentary or reblog with commentary because I would love if someone enjoyed this. Like, these are stories of my life, please appreciate them.

The Things!

-My best friend and I hang out mostly at night because of his 9-5 job, and he still lives with his parents who probably don’t like me so when we hang out we’re mostly driving around on random adventures and coffee/tea runs and late night dinners. 

So it’s night, and my night vision is awful and I have to wear sunglasses anyway because what I can see is painfully bright headlights so yeah I see basically nothing.

With my best friend, I have

1. after asking him a question: “Did you nod at me and I just didn’t see it.” “I did nod.” or after waiting long enough for a response he’ll realize what he did on his own and say, “I was shaking my head no, sorry.”

2. Reaching into total darkness to touch his shoulder and touched his armpit instead.

3. Dropped something from my bag onto his messy car floor and asked him to find it for me because it all looks blurry and grey-black down there, even without sunglasses

4. Sensed he was going for a high five and I gave him a perfect high five. Surprised, he wanted to test it again. I completely missed.

5. “We’re passing the oil refinery, so enjoy hearing, touching, smelling, tasting that.” plus 3 other identical jokes on the same drive. “Hey, can you stop making blind jokes, I’m starting to hate them these days.” “When did that happen?” “When one not-great classmate slash sort of friend made them all the time.” “That’s a shame.” “Blind jokes from sighted people are also super repetitive. The only blind jokes I seem to like are from other blind people.”

6. Him: “You’re rolling your eyes behind your sunglasses, I can tell!” 

7. Once we saw snow once our way driving home from Las Vegas. It was March, it was after midnight, and the warmest it had been at any point in that night was 40 degrees Fahrenheit (4.4 degrees Celsius. That’s a real comparison?? That’s a scary number to an American who’s barely ever left California. We were driving through the mountainy area of California where the temp really drops and for three seconds we saw snow in the wind. Well, he saw it. Something moved, it was small and flaky but like... that was actually snow and I couldn’t see it? (this was three, almost four years ago)

8. Last weekend we drove around the rich neighborhoods to look at Christmas decorations because I love Christmas lights because for ones light actually looks pretty instead of painful and I can see it at night without hurting, so it’s nice. I love the pretty visual things. Blindness will not take the pretty visual things from me! And the decorations just make me so happy and I wanted to do that last year but never did, so we did that this year

9. I also told him about the cripple punk tag on Tumblr last weekend and he was delighted to know it exists because he’s got other chronic health issues including downright awful knees.

Other blind things not directly involving my best friend

1. I have paused writing to ask a sighted person if it’s realistic for my sighted characters to see X item from Y distance away. Usually my dad with his stupidly perfect vision.

2. Realizing I’m forgetting what sighted people can see. It’s been four years since I saw like a normal person. And all my sighted memories are literally blurry from age.

3. But I still have dreams where I see normally. And then dreams where everything is too bright like in real life and I cannot see and what is happening???

At home, specifically

1. I have three cats who I can’t tell the difference between. I have a small black and brown tabby cat. A black and orange tortie cat who is slightly heavy but medium build. An all black cat who is huge and has the longest fur I’ve ever touched on a cat. I cannot tell the difference between them until I’m up close. Especially if the lighting bad.

2. Tonight I almost set my laptop on top of Remy, my brown and black tabby, because I didn’t see here a foot away from me, curled up next to my leg, somehow blending in with my orange and blue comforter. Her concerned look I did see and was horrified by my almost fuck up and apologized profusely for.

3. Cannot see Felix, my black cat, half the time if the lighting is bad and have almost sat on him, put my feet in his face, tripped over him, etc. because he blends into the shadows and oh my fucking god I cannot see that.

Note: Remy cuddles with me all the time. Felix adores me but will not be caught dead cuddling anyone because dignity, but if he’s in my room and nobody’s around to see he’s insistent on cuddling. Rio (black and orange tortie) is devoted to my mum, and she knows she makes me nervous when she suddenly jumps on me and I get really shifty and squirmy and not fun to cuddle with, so we’re cool and I give her pets but she doesn’t usually crawl onto me unless she wants to make my mum jealous.

4. Can sneak up on family members and friends because I move so quietly, so at least there’s that. Not a blind thing, but it makes up for some things.

5. Have walked up to someone I thought was a friend, realized I don’t know them, and the first thing out my mouth was “Wait, who are you?” and then a close friend (and the party host) grab me by the shoulders and say, “That’s not how we talk to people,” and just like, where are your manners Mimzy, wtf, but I never saw that stranger again so it’s okay.

Side Note: blindness aside, I do have a habit of just rudely speaking my mind in not-appropriate settings because I just don’t care and don’t have the anxiety to at least act like I care. They’re very satisfying, but usually very rare moments.

6. Please stop moving things around the house!

7. “What do you mean there are cobwebs?” *Shines a flashlight at the dark corners of my room* “oh my god...”

8. Me, to my family members, “Please close those curtains, light hurts. Please turn off that lamp, it’s too bright in here.” *me, later turns off most of the lights in the house* Family members: “Why is it so dark in here? I can’t see.” *Me, channeling my inner Toph Bei-Fong* “Oh no, what a tragedy!”

9. Mum is the only one who vaguely appreciates my light sensitivity because she also has snow vision (a mild case) and has a little light sensitivity, sometimes, on her bad days.

More Not Quite Appropriate Things!

There are so many things that I say only to realize that there is a very nearby stranger who heard that out of context and it sounded so bad.

1. Best Friend (while I’m walking down stairs just fine, by myself, don’t need anyone’s help, I can do it!) “There are eight steps.” “I don’t need your help.” “I know but--” “I’m fine!” “I’m just trying to help.” “I have too much ADHD to count to eight anyway!”

“I have too much ADHD to count to eight anyway,” is exactly what two strangers heard while walking right behind me.

Why would you sneak up on someone who’s so obviously blind??

2. “Sea foam green is an ugly color anyway.” I was in a mall, it was well lit and I was using my cane and managing with my crap vision, but I managed to see that specific color I hate on a dress right next to me, and the woman walking on the other side of the mannequin display heard that and did a double take on my obviously blind self.

Or so I’m told by my mom who could see what happened.

3. Similar to above, I was in the Artist Village in San Diego, which is a huge tourist trap, and I was sort of a tourist too, but it’s freaking outdoors, so I have the cane and sunglasses. And I’m in an Artist Village (very visual thing) with my parents, so out of place. And this random dude was apparently staring at me. Cannot see him, absolutely no idea which direction my mum is pointing towards, everything is blank and weird and not see-able, but I turned my head and by some miracle looked directly at him and he freaked out and looked away.

4. “Oh yeah, make fun of the blind person!” sarcastically, but loudly, somewhere public after a joke a friend had made that I was actually okay with.

5. “Driving and hiking are my two biggest weaknesses,” said out of context to people who didn’t know I was blind.

6. “I forgot you were blind.” “Well I didn’t.” More channeling of Toph, I think.

7. “Why can’t you drive?” *points to cane* *he does not get it* “It’s very illegal for me to drive.” *does not get it* “They’re blind dude,” classmate says. “Very blind.” “You seem to get around just fine,” says the man who only see me indoors with the very best lighting scenario for my vision. “Yeah, but that’s because I have the cane.” “So?” You seem just fine, he seems to think. How dumb are you? I definitely think. “Why do you need the cane?” “Because I would die if I didn’t have it. I have almost died. People would die if I tried to drive.”

8. Later: “Did he think you could just drive and use your cane to feel the road or something?” “I guess.”

9. More questions from other people who don’t know me very well asking why I can’t drive. “Because it’s illegal.” Their confusion is wondering specifically why it’s illegal rather than thinking I’m not actually blind. I explain the laws in the driving handbook, because I have read it (unlike some people I guess. How did you miss the ‘drivers must be able to see at least 20/40 with their best corrected eye” and I haven’t been in that category for two years.

Note: My day blindness came two years before my vision acuity reached visually impaired status. So, like, two years of wishing I had a cane but thinking “I’m not blind enough” and still being terrified in certain situations and risking my life walking around without one or some sighted guide.

Similar Public Things

1. I can see indoors pretty well so I get by on prescription glasses and no cane (I see 20/70 - 20/100 with glasses) but sometimes the mall is crowded and nobody gives me space and I’m just not comfortable getting so close to people, so I bust out my cane (and maybe my sunglasses too) so I look extra blind and people will give me the space to walk without running into someone.

2. Have also done that just because the indoor lights were also too bright and I need my sunglasses.

3. Have stared at my phone in public with cane/sunglasses, or tried taking photos with it, and I get so many weird looks because blind people see nothing I guess, none of us have any vision at all! (read sarcasm)

4. Walking into a coffee shop I’ve been to before and I know they change their teas all the freaking time. Also got the cane. “Hi, can you tell me what iced teas you have right now?” “Oh, they’re all on that sign.” *blank look* Do you not realize I’m blind? I’m thinking. “What kind of black tea do you have? Do you have any tropical black tea?” (because they usually do and I love tropical black tea, and they did that day too, so I ordered that.)

5. I cannot read menus. Those restaurants that have the menus above the register are awful, evil. Cannot read. In the wonderful days of my childhood I didn’t have prescription glasses for my moderately not great but still mostly functional vision (my dad has perfect vision and no concept whatsoever about what it’s like to not be able to see those things!) So imagine my parents dragging me to restaurants like that and I’m 10 years old and supposedly can read perfectly fine but I cannot read that menu and I think it’s some personal character fault of mine that I just don’t know how to read those kinds of menus, so I have to ask my mum to help me choose a food to order and eat, and then that’s the only thing I ever order any time I ever go back. So, I’m quickly getting sick of those places because I only eat one item there and I want to try something new with a restaurant with those nice hand held menus, but those are sit-down restaurants and apparently they cost more money, sooo...

6. That was a rant I went on with my best friend last weekend

Side note: It’s almost 4 am, my mum just woke up, saw the light on in my room from under the crack of my door and said hi. I’m at a point right now where she just expects it and isn’t one to judge (unlike my dad who has zero insomnia because he has hypersomnia and I don’t know how humans do that)

Side Note Ten Minutes Later: My laptop is at 10% but I plugged it in because dammit I am finishing this tonight and it will have all the things.

7. “Hey, where’s the trash can? I can’t find one.” *also mistakes a trashcan and a human being just sitting still. All the time* “Why not just litter then?” best friend asks, knowing exactly how I’ll respond. “I have manners!”

8. I hate traveling even a little by myself. My orientation and mobility skills with my cane aren’t that bad, but they’re not good enough for me to feel comfortable walking around by myself anywhere that isn’t super familiar with routes I already have practiced and memorized (school, close friend’s houses or apartments, the blocks in my neighborhood I’ve walked 500 times coming too and from school or walking dogs with my parents). Anywhere unfamiliar or wide/open or crowded or God Forbid, OUTSIDE is a source of terror and will not let my traveling companions leave me alone for longer than a few minutes and certainly not walk away on my own.

9. Will not go to bars because I present female and I am visibly disabled and that makes me look like an easy target and why would I risk that unnecessarily?

I’m gonna cut it off here. This is a long post, and I need to just finally go to bed. Goodnight. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to send anons with commentary or reblog with commentary. I’d like to know that someone liked this.

[hazeleyedfloozy]

Lucky Blue Flannel Part 5.

Hellllllooooo friends! It is I! Your friendly (annoying) neighborhood fangirl that has a thousand things she should be doing but decided to write instead lmao. (Laundry?? I don’t know her.)

Anyway!!! This is a longer installment, and angsty as hell. Soooo you know the drill. 

CW’s: Drugging, abuse, therapy, anxiety, PTSD, mental health, etc. I don’t believe there’s any use of swear words; but just be cautious. I’m giving this a Mature Audiences rating, due to the mentions of drugging/ mental health and therapy. 

ALSO. The scene with Dr. Williamson is inspired by a real life experience I had with my own therapist. I in no shape or form am a psychologist or claim to be one. 

You looked bad. Your eyes puffy and full of wet, soggy tears; drenching your already-soaked tear stained cheeks. Your hair was covering your face, masking the tears. You hadn’t had a day like in forever. Days like these, you’d usually call Mark; who’d send take-away and usually end up staying late into the night, talking you out of the episode that had spiraled out of control.

You weren't always like this. There used to be another part to you. A part that was free. Someone who laughed at the small things, danced in the rain, and never minded what others thought of her. You missed her. You missed the girl you once knew.

What happened to you?

Katie Williamson, a doctor of psychology and the best damn therapist the world had to offer; had decided to take you on as a client, six months after you were first experiencing symptoms. The fatigue, the never ending nights of insomnia, panic attacks that you were positive were the end of all common and true thought. Katie had diagnosed you with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, along with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

“I didn’t always used to be like this…” The sobs spilled out of you uncontrollably.

“Do you perhaps think that something might have caused what you’re feeling, Y/N?”

“I…” You started, afraid to finish your sentence. Dr. Williamson (Katie, she always preferred to be referred to as) looked at you with trusting eyes.

“I… was… I… was…” You hiccuped.

“Take your time. It’s okay. You are safe here. You don’t have to be scared.”

“There was a teacher at the first school I worked at…. he crushed on me pretty hardcore. He’d always try to hug me in the hallways, be super friendly, ask me about my sex life.  We were close friends. And I agreed to go out with him once; and… he put something in my drink.” You croaked. The words seems to tumble out of you faster than you ever thought your tongue could manage.

“Y/N… did something… did you report him?” Katie asked softly, her eyes now deep with fury.

“I tried… but the school recommended that I find another position some place else. It’s why I have the job I do now… and I don’t regret that for a second because my kids are my reason…”

“Reason for?”

“Reason to believe that I might make it out of this alive.” You sobbed.

It had been two years since you first told Katie about your experience. You’d been going to see her weekly for the first six months, then monthly afterward. Though you hadn’t seen her in quite a bit of time. Earlier that afternoon, (pre panic attack) you'd scheduled an appointment to meet her the following Monday. It was Friday. Meaning you had three days of trying to pull yourself together enough to face the outside world. You’d promised John you’d attend the after-party for Queen’s gig this evening; but knew deep inside that you wouldn’t be able to pull it together by dinnertime.

You saw your attacker that morning. You’d started the morning off right, with a early work out at the gym. You’d forgotten to pack breakfast, so you stopped at your favorite coffee stand just three blocks away from your work.

“Do my eyes deceive me, or is it Star Girl in the flesh?” Your attacker whispered in your ear, standing eerily close to you at the coffee stand. You shuttered; almost falling to the ground in fear. Star-Girl was the nickname he’d given you when he first heard you sing. You’d become close friends, and you trusted him.

“It’s me.” You shrugged, pulling your most treasured blue flannel tighter to you. Katie had coached you through how to know what a trigger might feel like; this was definitely one of them.

“What… did our fun little outing make you SOOO upset you just had to leave the school? You know they gave me a two week suspension because of you. Little slut. I’m positive you just drank too much and regretted it after!!!” The venom in his words struck your skin as if a snake had actually sank it’s teeth into your forearm.

“You liked it…” He continued, whispering into your ear. You felt the anger rise in your belly; and suddenly, your fist made contact with his jaw. Falling to the ground in pain, he desperately tried to trip you with one hand wrapped around your ankle. The anger and frustration still searing through your body; you kicked your boot into his stomach. You continued to wail on the man; every punch a goodbye letter to all of the horrible feelings he’d drawn upon you since the incident. With every kick, you said goodbye to the man that had changed your life forever.

“Alright… alright!!! Break it up!!!” Called the barista from behind the coffee stand. You cowered in fear, knowing he was still just feet away from you.

The coffee stand made sure you made it home safely; buying you a cab to get you back to your flat.

Sarah was the only person in your personal life that knew about your experience, and guarded it tightly to her heart. You grimaced at the clock; knowing that John’s gig was about to end.

You tried to put yourself together, but it was no use. It was nonsense trying to put a happy face on, even if for the man you adored so much. You’d been going on dates, spending loads of time with John.

You were falling in love. Plain and simple. You hadn’t told John about what happened to you; and you hoped that day would never come. But here you were; puffy eyed and so shaken up. The phone rang; you lifted yourself gently from the couch to answer it.

“Hello… this is Y/N.” You whispered, knowing it would be John on the other end.

“Love… are you alright?” He asked.

“I’m… I’m…” You sobbed into the phone.

“I’m on my way. Stay where you are.” He gently spoke into the phone.

He was at your flat in what seemed like only two minutes. He was holding a box of carry out; along with a single red rose. You smiled softly at him; knowing you’d have to explain everything.

“Do you wanna tell me what’s going on? What’s wrong, love?” He whispered lovingly as you sat on the couch. His fingers traced your forearms lovingly, knowing that it was a calming mechanism of your own design.

“I saw him today.” You whispered, sobs threatening to break your now almost calm state.

“Whom, love?”

“I… here was a teacher at the first school I worked at…. he crushed on me pretty hardcore. He’d always try to hug me in the hallways, be super friendly, ask me about my sex life. And I agreed to go out with him once; and… he put something in my drink.” You slowly broke the news. His soft, gentle features turned into anger as you explained your situation.

“Where is this person?” He asked, lifting himself off the couch; grabbing his jacket.

“Why?” You asked

“I’m gonna kill him.” He whispered. His fists were clenched with anger; those beautiful eyes you were falling in love with a shade of red.

“John… stop it. I’m okay.” You whispered, running to shut the door he’d swung open. You latched the door behind the two of you; your eyes wet with new tears.

“I didn’t want to tell you… because I was scared you would…”

“I would?” He questioned.

“I didn’t want you to loose interest in me or think I was too much.” You murmured.

His eyes became red with tears; struggling to remain completely together, a sob snuck out of the bassist’ throat.

“Can I hold you, please?” He said through sobs. You nodded slowly. He took you in his arms, scooping every last inch of you into his chest. He pressed his forehead to your own; your tears intertwining. You hadn’t realized John was so in touch with emotions.

“I could never… ever think less of you. You are my sun, my moon and all of the stars in the sky.” He mused, kissing your forehead.

“Are you taking love lessons from Brian now?” You joked, kissing his cheek.

“He’s the one who should be taking lessons from me.” He nudged you. There were several moments of him holding you, you holding him; being tangled in each other’s embrace.

“I promise… I will never let anything bad happen to you, ever again.” He softly spoke, running his hands over your forearms again.

After a quiet night of watching films, eating a copious amount of take out, and finishing off the night with a batch of cookie dough. (Lets be honest, were you ever planning to bake the dang cookies anyway?) You’d decided to hit the hay. John had never stayed the night before; but you’d planned to ask him at some point.

“John…”

“Y/N..” You began to talk over each other. You stopped talking, wanting to hear that precious voice of his fill the quiet flat.

“I was wondering… perhaps… I could come over for breakfast tomorrow? I just don’t want to be away from you for that long…” He smiled shyly.

“You can stay the night… you’d have to borrow one of my flannels to sleep in though.” You warned, a sly smile appearing across your face.

“I know the exact one.” He laughed.

You never knew how beautiful someone was until you saw him sleeping next to you. You’d spent the past twenty minutes admiring the lad; who’d fallen asleep quickly. “John… are you awake?” You whispered.

“Now I am…” He grumbled.

“I just… I’m really happy.” You whispered, kissing his cheek.

“I am as well, sweetheart. I love you…” John whispered, kissing your shoulders and bringing you into him. His hands slipped around your frame; almost cradling you.

“I love you, too.” You responded, squeezing his strong arms as sleep washed over the both of you.

ANYWAY HI yes I hope you all like this installment! Please be kind if you have any comments or suggestions! Don’t go breaking my heart. (Pun totally intended) anyway if anyone would like an imagine or a headcannon just send them my way!! Love you all! You are enough!

[megwritesfanfiction]

Let Go, Chapter 10/?? (Raven/??)

Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans. This is work of fiction that I am not making a profit off of.

A/N: Soooo, full disclosure, I have not started the next chapter lol. I am hoping I'll be done in two weeks, but... My schedule has changed. We shall see... *fingers crossed*

Also you can read of FFNET if you want to!

Do you need to catch up? I got you! ->

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine

Flashback    

“Why are you here?”

Raven folded her arms over her chest as she slouched against the soft couch. “Honestly?” She questioned, raising her eyebrows as she tightened her lips.

“That would be preferable,” the woman smirked, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose. Her other hand curled around the pen as she pressed it against the notepad in front of her.

“Well,” Raven sighed. “My pain in the ass team leader has decided to suspend me from duty until I sit down with you, so-“ She’d said to to be honest. “Here I am, Iris.”

The woman scribbled down a few notes, nodding her head, “You don’t think you have a problem?”

“What exactly did Robin say to you?” She was going to have a little talk with him after this appointment. It was bad enough Robin was forcing her to see a psychiatrist, but she didn’t need him talking about her issues to this random woman.

“That isn’t important.”

“Actually it is.” Talking to this woman was a very clear risk of privacy. Raven wouldn’t be surprised if somehow, someone found out about this and reported it to the tabloids.

Teen Titan Half Demon Unstable

It wasn’t like the media hadn’t already labeled her that and a long list of other unflattering epithets.

She didn’t need to give them ammunition to support their case.

“I think it is more important to establish what you think about why you’re here,” Iris told her, resting notebook in her lap.

“I think it’s bullshit,” Raven shrugged with a satisfied smirk. “So, what did Robin say exactly?”

Iris nodded. “Why do you think it’s bullshit?” She pushed.

Either this woman didn’t understand she was sitting across from an impatient half demon or she didn’t care. “Look, I understand that you’re doing your job, but you get paid no matter what I say or don’t say. Let’s just do ourselves a favor here and stop,” she paused, shaking her head in frustration. “You can sit and do whatever for the next forty-five minutes we have left in the session, then I can leave here and tell Robin whatever he needs to hear so I can get back to doing my job.”

“Okay,” the silver haired woman shrugged with a small smile. She delicately pulled her glasses from her face, tucking them in the pocket of her sweater. “We could do that.”

Sounded good to her.

“Or we could talk about why you think Richard felt like you needed someone to talk to?” She smirked as she leaned back with a satisfied little shrug. “I think it would help pass the time.”

Raven felt her jaw loosen in shock as her arms slowly fell by sides, “How did you know his name?” That definitely wasn’t a lucky guess.

“Richard, or Robin as you know him, is a patient of mine,” Iris told her.

Why was she saying this? “Isn’t that confidential?”

“Typically yes, but he requested I share that information with you.” Iris set her notebook on the little table in front of them. “Remember a few years ago when your adversary Slade nearly killed him?”

“Which time?” Raven questioned dryly. To be fair, there were many.

“The time where you entered his mind,” Iris explained. “And created a mental link that saved his life.”

“He told you that?”

The woman nodded, “Yes.”

“And you believe him?” Raven knew the world had witnessed things from superhuman and paranormal. She and her team along with several other heroes dominated the media at times, but there were still people who had trouble believing in things beyond humanity.

“I do,” she nodded again. “Look, Raven, I get that you have been through some things that I will never have the ability to comprehend, but maybe I can help you work through them.”

“Maybe,” Raven sighed running a hand over her face. “You can’t work through some things.”

“Like?”

“You don’t get it.” This was one of the main reasons she didn’t want to come here. She didn’t want to have to open up an old wound that didn’t have a chance of healing. “I’m the daughter of an interdimensional demon and some poor wayward woman from Gotham who thought it would be cool to worship Satan, but she didn’t realize she was basically a virgin sacrifice.”

Raven wasn’t coming back here after today, so she could put a little extra venom in her voice.

“I destroyed the the place that tried to save me, then I destroyed the Earth by bringing about the apocalypse. And even though I managed to save it, I’m still doomed to an eternity of suffering whenever my luck runs out. But, hey, I’m getting a taste of my eternal damnation now, so,” Raven sucked in a tight breath, voice wavering. “Forgive me if I want to drink. snort a little coke, and have sex with random men.”

“You aren’t worried about getting addicted?”

“I’m half demon. I’m genetically a walking sin.” Addiction wasn’t really an issue. She had to worry about the physical effects of the drugs, but her demon side delighted in the use of illicit substances. It was like eating a piece of chocolate. Delicious, but Raven could resist the temptation. “It doesn’t hit my pleasure center the same way.”

Iris nodded, “That can’t be a healthy way to deal with your problems though?”

“Does it matter at this point?”

“Why wouldn't it?”

Raven frowned as she considered the question. “No matter what I do, I’m doomed.” She shrugged, throwing her hands up defeated. “So, forgive me if I’m tired of having to be okay.”

“No one is saying you have to be okay, Raven,” Iris explained gently. “You’ve been through a lot-“

“It’s fine.”

“It’s understandable that you have some things you need help to come to terms with.”

She shouldn’t have said anything. “Can we please just forget I said anything? Look I’m sorry Robin wasted your time, but I don’t think there is any amount of talking that can help with the massive amount of shi-“

“What happened on your birthday a few years ago?”

Raven froze, feeling a cold wave of numbness flood her veins. Her eyes fluttered dizzily as she felt the air drained from the room. “Why?”

“Just a question.”

She felt her chest heave and her stomach twist in painful knots, “What did Robin tell you?”

“Rave-“

Raven stood up, feeling her fingers cracking with energy. “Don’t.”

Iris stood, stepping in front of her carefully. “What are you feeling right now, Raven?” She softly placed her hands around Raven’s wrists.

“Stop! I’ll-“

“No, you won’t,” Iris assured with a little smirk. “I want you to focus on what you’re feeling. Don’t worry about me.”

Raven’s teeth sunk into her lip as she swallowed the emotions and memories bubbling to the surface, body trembling violently.

“What are you feeling?”

“I-“ Raven’s mouth fell open as a silent scream escaped. Tears stung her eyes, mouth twisting in a pain grimace. “What’s the point?”

Raven had done her best to swallow her trauma and wash it down with partying, isolation, and insomnia.

“It won’t get better.”

Flash Forward

“You’re up early.”

Changeling yawned, scrubbing his hands over his face, “First time for everything.” Truthfully, he hadn’t slept. After Terra had come back into their room, there were too many words wrestling on the tip of his tongue. He figured it was best to camp out in the main room for night.

“Or the start of a new habit,” Nightwing smirked, walking over to the coffee maker.

“Sleeping on the couch? Fuck no,” Changeling groaned. He was going to have to talk to Cyborg about getting a new couch. Unless Terra had woken up in a particularly forgiving mood, he figured he probably was going to be sleeping out here for the rest of the week.

At worst, if she was still pissed at him, he would have to go mattress shopping before he moved back into his old room. Either way, Changeling was stuck with that lumpy ass couch for awhile.

“My back is nine levels of messed up, I’d rather not make this a permanent arrangement.”

Nightwing tossed him a knowing nod, “Terra kicked you out?” There may have been a time or two he was on the other side of his girlfriend’s rage.

“Nope,” he sighed loudly. “We had an argument-“

Nightwing’s eyebrows rose with interest as he bit his tongue.

“About Raven-“

What?

“So,” Changeling shrugged, combing his fingers through his hair staring at the wall in front of him. “I figured I should sleep out here before I said something even dumber.”

Oh really? “What exactly did you say?” Nightwing asked, leaning against the counter. His arms folded across his chest, eyes going to the changeling with a hard stare.

Changeling placed his elbows on the table, pressing his hands underneath his chin. “Well,” he breathed, eyes slowly sliding to the masked Titan. “We talked about how Raven decided to leave without mentioning it to either of us, but,” he chuckled tightly. “Somehow she decided you, Starfire, and Cy deserved notice.”

Nightwing’s hand tightened around his mug, head sharply tilted to the side. “Changeling,” his jaw clenched as his mind crafted careful words. “We didn’t know-“

“Don’t,” Changeling warned, tired eyes narrowing. “Don’t sit here and insult my fucking intelligence.”

That was completely fair. “I’m not.” Nightwing still had a promise to keep.

“So don’t lie to me.”

Nightwing set his mug on the counter. “You need to talk to Raven,” he decided shaking his head.

“How am I supposed to do that when she won’t answer me?” Changeling questioned, voice cracking with exhaustion and confusion. “Do you know why she left?”

“You should talk to Raven about this.”

He knew. “Why did she leave?”

“Ask Raven.”

Changeling clenched his fist, feeling his frustration bleed into his temper. “If she’s in trouble, we have a right to know!”

Nightwing lowered his eyes, exhaling loudly. “You need to ask Raven.” He knew Changeling was trying to pick past his calm responses to trigger an emotional confession. The best thing he could do was remain indifferent and avoid reacting.

“Is it her father?!”

“Again, you would have to ask Raven.”

“Is she sick? Dying?!” It wouldn’t make sense for her to transfer to another team in that situation, but he was getting desperate at this point. “Does she hate California?”

“I’m sure Raven will tell you when she’s ready.” Nightwing knew she probably wouldn’t, but these words were the best he could offer at this point.

Changeling roughly leaned back in his chair. “She’s got till the end of the week to contact me.”

“What does that mean?”

“Ask Raven.” That line seemed to work just fine with him, so Changeling figured he could borrow it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“I miss the tipi.”

Roy laughed as he kicked his feet up on the dashboard. “You miss the mosquito bites?”

Raven’s fingers strummed against the wheel as she continued driving. “I,” she started, checking her side mirror as she changed lanes. “Did not say that.”

“Well, mosquitos were part of the whole tipi experience.”

“So was delicious roasted chicken, peace and quiet, s’mores-”

The redhead released a delighted little moan remembering the delicious gooey chocolate, marshmallow, and graham cracker delights. They’d gone through at least three bags of marshmallows and an obscene amount of candy bars, but it had been worth it. “God, those things were delicious.”

Raven nodded, “We should go back.” The peace and the amazing view definitely made it hard for her to leave, but s’mores were enough to make her want to just abandon whatever her future held to just live under the sky and eat by the fire every night.

“And miss the splendors of Kansas!” Roy’s hands waved at the passenger side window at the view of the land.

Raven looked at the road ahead of them, “It’s flat.” She wasn’t sure how long they’d been driving through Kansas, but she found herself amazed and startled by how even the ground was.

“The Great Plains.”

Raven nodded, leaning her head back as their drive continued. “Yeah.” They’d flown over this area a dozen times on their way to Gotham and Steele, but she never realized how flat the ground actually was. She figured it was the aerial view of the plane causing the illusion. “They weren’t kidding.”

He laughed, picking up the water bottle between them, “I can drive for awhile if you wanna take in the sights.”

She smothered a chuckle tickling up the back of her throat as she looked to left and then right. “It’s a shame I don’t have my cell phone. Could’ve gotten a picture of the wide open road for my scrapbook.”

“Hey now!” He pointed a playful finger at her and gently poking her shoulder. “I had to literally drag you to get you to take a picture at the Four Corners.” Roy had quite literally picked her up and carry her to the intersection of the four states to get a picture of her at the monument. “And, if you really want a picture...” He slowly pulled out his phone, waving it. “I also didn’t know you scrapbooked.”

“I think I need one.” Raven nodded, looking ahead to the animal standing at the gate ahead. “I need to remember that horse.”

“Okay,” he shrugged. “Pull over. We’ll get a picture.”

She shook her head laughing, “No way. We’re not trespassing.” Even though she was against his request, Raven found herself slowly pulling the car over.

“You need a picture with Eli.”

“Eli?” Raven tilted her head looking at the grey horse a few feet away from them.

“He looks like an Eli.”

She leaned over taking a good look at the horse, “I’m not entirely sure that horse is a boy.”

“Hmmm…” Roy unbuckled his seatbelt, quickly hopping out of the car. He walked over to the gate crouching down to check for proof. “Yeah, um…”

Raven crumpled over the steering wheel as she howled at his boldness.

“Eli is definitely a boy!” He shouted with a firm nod.

“You’re ridiculous,” she sighed. Without question, she followed him out of the car approaching the horse. Raven took a step closer to the gate opening her palm to the horse. “And his name is clearly Theodore.”

“Theodore?” Roy snicked.

“Theodore.” A slow smile grew on her lips as she watched the creature lower it’s head toward her a bit. “Or Theo.” She gently placed her hand above his nose giving the horse a soft pat.

“He doesn’t look like a Theo,” Roy teased taking a step back as he raised his phone to take a picture. “Rae!

“Uh,” she turned her head, catching him with the phone raised. “You’re taking a picture of me?”

“You wanted one with Eli.”

Her eyes narrowed at him with a little smile as he horse nuzzled against her hand. “You mean Theodore.”

“Ha!” Roy cackled, stepping back as he couldn’t contain his amusement. “What happened to Theo?”

Raven shrugged, moving her hands underneath the horse’s chin happily. She couldn’t help but wonder if horse’s wagged their tails with delight as dogs did. “His friends call him Theo.”

“Are you saying Eli and I aren’t friends?”

“I’m saying,” she chuckled, delighted at the little whinny. “I think a couple of sugar cubes would help. I wish we could give him a couple marshmallows.”

“Eli likes apples better.”

She rolled her eyes, “Let me see the picture.”

“You remember how to use one of these things?” Roy questioned, holding the phone out to her in one hand his other hand out to the horse.

“Yes, but,” she took the phone from him smiling at the candid image of herself. Her eyes were wide and awe stricken as she faced the camera, the other hand rested on the horse. “I’m kind of enjoying life without it.” For the past couple days she hadn’t felt changed by whatever was going on at Titans West.

It surprised her how apathetic she felt toward her unfinished conversation with Changeling.

The physical distance away from him caused her heartache, but the mental space allowed her head to clear. Raven wasn’t sure what to make of it.

The clarity was nice though.

“Pink cloud.”

What? “Pink cloud,” Raven repeated, looking up at him.

“It’s an AA term,” he told her softly as he leaned against the fence. “It’s the feeling you have really early on when you first get sober. Everything is clear and,” Roy inhaled deeply as he looked out into the field. “You feel good because you’ve taken a step away from self destruction, and you finally feel in control.”

Her fingers tightened around the phone as she leaned against the fence. “Is that bad?” She raised the phone, capturing an image of him. “The pink cloud sounds like Kori land.”

Roy chuckled, nodding, “It’s nice.” The pink cloud was happy, warm, and safe. He remembered one of the guys in AA describing it like being wrapped in a warm fleece blanket after being left out in the cold for years. That warmth allowed your mind to reset and make sense of chaos for the first time in awhile.

“It is.” She beamed showing him the photo.

He smirked, chuckling quickly at the photo she’d taken.

“I think I may have misjudged the Great Plains,” Raven whispered looking out into the field beyond the fence.

He didn’t have the heart to tell her that eventually clouds faded.

“I would have to say so.” Roy carefully watched her.

He remembered a month after the first time he’d gotten sober. After the nausea and cravings had faded, Roy was able to find peace and clarity. He was sitting with his sponsor in a stuffy church after an AA meeting. The hot summer sun illuminated the stained glass as he felt himself melt against the pew. He couldn’t forget that moment.

No matter how he tried, Roy found himself clinging to that memory

The stale coffee and powdered sugar clung to his senses when he recalled the moment the clouds in his mind faded. For the first time, he didn’t need the burn of vodka or the pinch of an injection in his veins. Warm feeling of resolution washed over him as sweat beaded down his body.

It was the first time Roy believed he was going to be okay.

That he was going to survive this.

“We should get some ice cream.” Raven sighed as her hands pressed into top rung of the fence, leaning into the breeze.

Roy had also relapsed a week after the clouds had dissipated.

[bestillmybeefyheart]

Good morning friends across the globe, good afternoon evening and night to those who it applies.

It’s Wednesday. Hump day as some call it, I call it another day on the sofa for whatever is wrong w me that month day. I know its a longer name and finding a card for it is impossible but so is National I May Have Eaten Your socks and I’m sorry day but that doesnt stop me.

So... just a follow up on my world or summary since, you know, I have nothing else to say due to it being so early and my brain is not working.

Leg... doing well. I did 3x10 of my basic foot movement PT work yesterday (dorsal and planar movement, circles, writing letters and numbers). It wasn’t easy, I had to do it slow and not push, but I did it. And since I’m only down a week w my foot in the wraps after surgery not 2 months, it went well. Let’s only in minor discomfort today. I’ve also been putting more weight on it as it comes back to life so to speak. I’m excited, proud and anxious. If I’m going to do this I’m doing it right. Dr also said I dont need PT if I dont want it and that we could review in a month in case I hit snags. I think I can do all my home PT and be fine and once I can ride my bike I’ll be peachy. So good there.

My insomnia is there as always, but since I have the leg pain and some pain pills, Ive been timing my pills halved with my getting near bed time esp if I had a long time. Walking on crutches is literally more work then you’d imagine and by the end of the day I’m super sore as is my foot. So I sleep or med sleep for a few hours instead of being up all night a zombie. FWIW I am not dependent on the meds, I take them purely to stay ahead of pain esp as I push myself and my foot. Always halves and only as really needed. Been down the opiate addiction road before so I’m careful. Despite having zonked out just past 10 last night and waking at 645, I’m still a zomb today like I am every morning. I am not a morning person.

Folks are going out of town for a week starting today so I am dependent on my brother and Uber and what food is in my house. And what I can have delivered. As long as they dont shut off my internet before the date agreed (another story will share next) I’m good. I hope. I’ll be busy working my foot. I have a month of this before next appt. Its frustrating for sure, I feel ok, I want to get out, but I’m supposed to be letting my leg heal. Last time it was pain pain pain and the sofa was great. This time, I want off this crazy ride. At least I can get stuff and Uber. So thats good. And most of you would say “being home a month Dr orders and getting paid is a dream”. It was a year and a half ago. Now it’s just, I need out and a life, lets say that.

Internet... SOOOO, being home all the time, I hit my cap a lot, and before a few months back they didnt enforce it. Bring on the 4k, data flies out left and right, I hit my cap in 4 days of 4k binging, learning that 4K eats your bandwidth alive, esp in the older format. Note, YouTube runs 30-55MBps when playing 4K. Which is why theirs looks amazing. Sorry Apple TV 4K users, they dont support 4K in their YouTube app. (Or any app, their 4K is horrid, dont waste your money on the new Apple TV and if you doubt me, I have hard proof and 4 other peers who agree who are industry). So I call internet provider to see if I can get some help, a break, a discount, some small refund for overages. 7 year customer, they told me more or less screw you. So I told them to cancel my tv and internet and eat my butt. So I have till the end of the month to find a new plan. Or call back until I find a good employee who understands. They didnt even try, just told me tough. Id name the provider but lets face it, any provider name would fit in there. What sucks worst is, I am grandfathered into the most perfect tv package for $30 a month with ALL my channels minus BBCA and Freeform. And I can get my 2 FF shows off Hulu. And Doctor Who off iTunes. The same plan now to everyone else is $80, so Id lose that huge discount. And be stuck with OTA.

Tivo, collection and ocd. I have ocd, I have a desperate need to tivo and download everything I record, collecting shows and keeping track of episodes I’m missing. I will not be able to do that with anything but locals once this change happens. And none of the online streaming tv services let me save the files and convert for Apple TV use. Sad about losing that, it’s giving me bad anxiety. I’m still upset the provider couldnt be bothered to even begin to give a crap. Angry about it too. But I will make sure the new provider knows. I’ve already got one who has offered me a switching bundle that is half the cost of my internet now and free tv for 6 months. Of course they only offer 50/1 and I have 150/10 and use 6-8 of that 10 out every night. My security system can’t even run 1 camera off 1 out, and I have 5 running at night, 3 day, doorbell cam and 3 more in boxes to be mounted. So that is a problem. This whole thing is eating me inside. Which is why I want to get on my feet and biking, an hour or two on the bike is not only good for me physically but also emotionally and mentally. And its 1-2 hours Imnot using internet or watching tv.

Let’s see... I finished my chili sadly. 6 meals out of 1/2lb of meat, 1 can beans, 2 cans tomatoes and some Williams seasoning plus water. FTW. I just wish I had more I love me some chili. I could have made that last bowl be 2, ate more crackers but I had the last crackers so I ate all the chili. It was damn good. So worth it.

Lists... I missed this as I was not really “here” but I have to say this and its all I will say, making lists is bad, burn books, etc, any list that excludes no matter how well intended, is a recipe for disaster. Names that shouldn’t be there get put there, people are ruined, others worry they are on it even though they are good people, it ruins friendships and more. Hitler had lists. McCarthy had lists. Say no to bad people lists. Love you fellow man and woman and whatever you identify as, hug and talk and show them you are good and care, that is all that matters.

Stretch yawns - you know how great a stretch yawn feels? It doesnt feel so good when it makes your injured leg move in ways its not ready to move, tightens muscles that aren’t ready to tighten. And yet,I just did it and it felt good overall minus the foot pain. A good stretch yawn can solve world problems. its like a yoga move that your body just knows. :D

What else... Its 50f here. Sun is up and bright, so bright that the light coming through the door is so intense I thought the kitchen light was on and barked out an order to Alexa to turn it off. It didnt, I asked again, then realized DOH it’s sunlight. Silly windows. Lol. I’m old and slow so excuse me if I take a minute to catch up. I’m like watching a movie on a dialup modem, I take a long time, you have to watch me buffer a lot, but in the end I’m worth it. :D Ha, sorry couldnt resist.

Speaking of modems. I found out that AT&T throttles you when you’ve hit 10GB of internet usage via personal hotspots. (Was looking at it as a stop gap for home but I’d hit 10GB in a day.). They throttle you down to 2x 56k modem speed. Seriously. WTH? Its 2017, most major countries have crazy cheap and fast internet and no one is throttled. Here in the US, the providers run wild and unchecked and do whatever they want because they know you are screwed and cant do a thing about it. Sounds like our countries leader right? Except I cant call and cancel him. I wish.

Since its Wednesday, I was going to do a hump day picture, but my camel is in the shop. So here’s a gif of a goat instead.

Love, b

PS, get this, a search for “goat” in the GIF section here came up with NO GOATS. Its a goatsperacy!!!

Still love, b

[scrapyardboyfriends]

7 August 2017

[Home Farm with Robert]

ROBERT: *Robert Smugden Mode Still Activated from the night before* *Close up of the Armagnac for future Plot Points* *Feet up on the breakfast bar* *Reads paper* *Casually checks the monogram on the robe he’s wearing just so the audience can be aware that it is in fact Lawrence’s robe* *Smug Giggle* *Hears the Plot coming* *Robert Smugden Mode deactivating* *Frantically puts away all evidence of scheming* *Runs like the idiot he is up the stairs, thankful they’re not the spiral staircase at the Mill of Misery because at least now he’s not flat on his back with his poor ankle stuck* *Secretly wishes he was* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[Home Farm with Robert, Rebecca and Lachlan]

ROBERT: *Scheming ‘Who Me’ Mode Activate* *Comes downstairs* *Ruffles his hair* - for the fans and the Plot -

REBECCA: Robert! I don’t know why I’m so surprised to see you here considering Vic forced you to come last night and I agreed.

ROBERT: *Waiting for my Oscar Mode* Gosh what time is it?

REBECCA: Uhh 8:30?

ROBERT: *I’d like to thank...well mostly me…Mode* Wow, last time I looked it was about 3:30. I must have fallen asleep. Imagine that.

REBECCA: So...no unwanted visitors?

ROBERT: *I’d also like to thank Aaron of course...Mode* Well you’re here and there was Tim, who I invited in last night...but um...nope, no one.

REBECCA: *Oblivious for Plot Reasons Mode Activate* Thank you so much Robert. You’re the bestest ever! I’ll just conveniently forget all the awful things you’ve done to me...but then again I’m good at that.

ROBERT: Oh and I did do some actual work while I was here. Perhaps anyway. I’m still not totally sure if Bryant was part of my plan or not, but hey, this Plot is confusing on a good day. So anyway, he’s back on board, because in between trolling through Aaron’s sparse social media accounts, I also stalked this Bryant guy and found out he’s a massive geek who likes superhero movies and zombies. Isn’t that great?!

REBECCA: Because you really want the Plot to give you a friend?

ROBERT: Well, yes, but apparently my geeky tastes are limited to Game of Thrones, Death Note, Bond films and Stephen King, but the reason why it’s great is because you just happen to be hosting a zombie run for Plot purposes tomorow!

REBECCA: Am I? I know I apparently suck at this whole business thing, but I don’t remember that being in the diary for tomorrow.

ROBERT: Well it is, so make it fun for him. Get the factory workers up here to fill in the numbers because who doesn’t want Kerry running around in Zombie make up. Anyway, nothing says team building like fleeing from the undead!

LACHLAN: What’s he doing here?

REBECCA: I have zero business skills as a rule for the Plot so Robert is stepping in to help out of the kindness of his heart.

LACHLAN: Oh, so I take a few days off and you get him in to help? I mean, I’m totally qualified and was running this business way better than you, so I can see why you needed help in my absence but him? You’re like a nasty infection. Can’t seem to get rid of you. (FANDOM: Are you sure you’re not talking about yourself and your family? #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise)

REBECCA: *Still Oblivious for Plot Reasons* Seriously, thank you so much Robert! Did I mention that you’re the bestest?

ROBERT: Yes you did. Now...go do some actual work. I can’t do EVERYTHING. I already spent enough time destroying it. Can’t be expected to build it all back up for you. Run along. Oh and can I use your shower?

REBECCA: Oh of course. You know where it is. You used to live here…

ROBERT: *Runs up the stairs* *Holding up his fictional Oscar and basking in the glow of his greatness*

REBECCA: Oh! You didn’t get to look at the CCTV did you?

ROBERT: *When did they get working CCTV Face* I thought you said it wasn’t working. I turned it off in 2014 the day I fell in love with Aaron when he fake broke in. Didn’t think it had been turned back on since, the amount of times you get broken into.

REBECCA: Oh well we finally turned it back on but I’m useless so I don’t know how to work it. I just want to give you ample opportunity to continue screwing me over even though I’m unaware of it.

ROBERT: Yeah, thanks. I’ll totally do that after my shower. *The Plot is in my favor, I should probably be worried Face*

[Home Farm with Robert, Rebecca and Lachlan]

ROBERT: *Deleting the evidence* - This is way too easy, I think I’m actually bored -

REBECCA: *Bounces in way too excited for someone who’s only doing what the Plot wants* *On the phone* Great! You’re going to love tomorrow! It was invented just for this Plot Point that I know nothing about. It’s gonna be so much fun!

ROBERT: *Oh look there’s me trying to pay Tim Face* *Delete* *Why is she so easy to manipulate Face* - I need a challenge -

LACHLAN: Shift Mr. Shifty! I need to look at the CCTV footage you’re deleting.

ROBERT: Oh, well it’s all gone but don’t worry, there was absolutely nothing incriminating on it at all so it’s fine. But now you have a ton more space!

REBECCA: Isn’t he just helping soooo much! #PlotBrain

LACHLAN: Yeah probably not, but don’t get too comfy Robert, Granddad is coming home and you know he can’t stand you.

REBECCA: He’s coming home already? He had an aneurysm like two days ago?!?

LACHLAN: Yeah, well it’s Hotten General and he’s needed for the Plot. But you know who’s not needed for this Plot, you Robert! So, you can bounce!

ROBERT: *Oh foolish child this Plot is totally about me Face*

[Home Farm with Rebecca, Lawrence and Lachlan]

REBECCA: You just won’t die will you?

LAWRENCE: I know, terrible isn’t it? #SpeakingForTheFandom

REBECCA: Well I’m moving back in here for a bit because I’m here all the time anyway and there’s no set for Keeper’s Cottage. Also, to look after you since the Plot really wants you dead.

LAWRENCE: But I think I’m ready to go!

REBECCA: Nope, no arguments! And I won’t be a pushover like those doctors. I’m only like that with Robert. (FANDOM: Clearly)

LAWRENCE: Oh they weren’t pushovers. I had to throw a really massive temper tantrum to get out early. But I go where the Plot needs me until it FINALLY lets me go. Now that it took Ronnie from me, I’m fine whenever. Oh Lachlan, can you catch Chrissie up on the Plot. I’d hate for her to be out of the loop now that she’s disowned me. So...how’s business?

REBECCA: *I’m really bad at it so I had to get Robert to help but I don’t want to tell you Face*

LACHLAN: I’ll just take your bag upstairs so I can get out of this scene.

LAWRENCE: Oh don’t worry. I’m going to make myself a cuppa so you can chat about the Plot.

REBECCA: *Thanks Dad Face* Lucky! Please don’t–

LACHLAN: Tell him about Robert? Yeah, I figured. The things I do for Plot.

LAWRENCE: *Overly Dramatic Acting Mode Activate* Gosh, Lucky is such a GREAT kid! Never done ANYTHING wrong in his life. I wish he hadn’t left me too! Rattling around in this big old empty house alone won’t be any fun. Wish they’d kill me sooner instead of all these close calls. It’s getting exhausting.

REBECCA: But you’re not alone! You’ve got me!

LAWRENCE: *Completely ignores her* *Goes for the alcohol* #Relatable Who’s been drinking my expensive gift from my one true love, even though I didn’t appreciate him at all, Ronnie?

REBECCA: *Oblivious to the Plot* Umm...you...probably?

LAWRENCE: Nope, that’s not right. *Hugs bottle* Ronnie has left me even though it’s totally my fault and now I hate everything and want the Plot to release me from its clutches! Woe is me! But how dare someone drink from my special alcohol! It’s the last thing that means anything to me. Oh well, it’s open now. Totally gonna drink some.

REBECCA: Not to state the obvious, but you just had a brain aneurysm and you’re on medication…

LAWRENCE: What’s the point? This is all that’s gonna get me through the remainder of my Plot #Relatable (FANDOM: Can we have some?) No! It’s mine. *Takes a drink*

REBECCA: When will the Plot end so I can stop watching your over dramatic acting. At least I just blink a lot?!

[The Woolpack with Robert, Victoria and Rebecca]

ROBERT: Hey Vic, can you get me some of the exact alcohol I’ve been stealing from Lawrence? It’s Armagnac.

VICTORIA: Oooh! Let me say it really slowly so everyone gets it. Arrrrmannnngac!

ROBERT: *Sees Rebecca* So, you doing exactly what the Plot and I want you to do?

REBECCA: *Oblivious to the Plot* *Pretends to be a zombie*

ROBERT: I’ll take that as a yes. You know I’m around if you need a hand. I’ll be involved anyway since this Plot is about me.

REBECCA: Well...you see, Dad’s back and he hates you.

ROBERT: He can’t possibly be working, he’s at death’s door every other week! Clearly the business has to be a safety risk!

REBECCA: Well you know Dad...it’ll take a tranquilizer dart to keep him out of the office.

ROBERT: *Wonders if Charity still has that tranq gun*

VICTORIA: Oh! Rebecca is in earshot now. Couldn’t get you any Arrrmanngac, so I got you brandy!

REBECCA: Oh it was you that drank his posh booze. That’s convenient.

ROBERT: *Does cute thing with his mouth* Oh, well I didn’t think anyone would notice.

REBECCA: Well he did notice. It was a gift from Ronnie.

ROBERT: Yep, I totally knew that because I am a scheming mastermind. Nothing can go wrong!

REBECCA: Well now it has inspired him to have a nightcap every night. Can’t imagine why.

ROBERT: *Cogs turning* *Thanks Plot for this gift Face*

REBECCA: I’m sure the doctors couldn’t say anything to dissuade him.

ROBERT: *Speaking of doctors Face* *Pulls out phone* Hello! I need to see a doctor for an urgent problem. I’m sure the Plot will be able to fit me in.

[Dr. Cavanaugh’s Office with Robert and Dr. Cavanaugh]

DR CAVANAUGH: So...you’re having trouble sleeping and it’s been going on since the Plot destroyed your relationship with Aaron? You know a breakup can be like grief. Insomnia isn’t uncommon.

ROBERT: *Scheming but totally truthful even if he can’t admit it Mode Activate* But even when I do sleep, I don’t feel any better. I wake up anxious and my heart racing...reaching out for Aaron because I’m only content when we’re cuddling together...sorry did I say that out loud? Ignore that, it’s not relevant to the Plot.

DR CAVANAUGH: Right, but you’re drinking? To get to sleep?

ROBERT: But it’s not working...unless I drink enough to pass out...did that once...this Plot happened as a result of that. Would not recommend. Definitely didn’t make me feel any better. #Relatable

DR CAVANAUGH: Well I’m going to do as the Plot bid me and write you a prescription…

ROBERT: *All going according to plan Face*

DR CAVANAUGH: Just start with breaking a tablet in two and see if that helps you catch up on some sleep. This is definitely not a permanent solution.

ROBERT: *Going for Oscar number two* Oh no I understand. If I want to really murder Larry, the Plot and I are going to have to come up with something bigger and better. But this will do for a solve to my immediate problem: keeping him out of my way until I can do whatever it is the Plot wants me to do here. *I’ve so got this Face* *And the best part is that absolutely none of this is actually true...really...Face*

[The Portacabin with Robert and Aaron]

ROBERT: *Scheming Mode Activate* *Crushing up sleeping pills in a bright yellow mug* - I don’t know why I came to the portacabin to do this...I guess for privacy?! - *Hears Plot coming* *Scheming Mode Deactivate* *Frantically hides the evidence* *Picks up blanks book to look through because that’s how he rolls*

AARON: *Enters*

ROBERT: *Cool and Detached Mode Activate* - Ah that’s why I’m here! Just act normal, just act normal...er...cooler than normal - Hey, thought you’d be long gone by now! That’s why I came here to do shifty things.

AARON: Yeah, well the Plot made me forget my wallet so I’d have to come back here.

ROBERT: Oh, well, doesn’t bother me...nope...not at all...I’m just here, chillin’, reading the imaginary words in this book. Really helps build my creativity. I’m writing a story in my head about us getting back together. Gonna write it down later. But for now...totally cool…

AARON: *He’s not begging for another shot, something must be wrong Face* Right then…

ROBERT: *Glances up* *Tries to remain aloof* *See’s Aaron looking the slightest bit tired* *Fails at aloof* *Concerned Aaron Face* You look knackered!

AARON: *He does care but now I’m flustered Face* Oh..um...thanks?

ROBERT: *I really need to get back to my evil plan but Aaron might be in trouble so it can wait Face* What’s wrong? Do you need my assistance. Let’s just end this breakup phase of the Plot now...please! #AreWeBackTogetherYet I mean…*Sort of almost chill* Are you okay?

AARON: Oh...you know...just had too many energy drinks last night...while I was lying there on the sofa, avoiding going up to our...er...my bed...that’s all. It’s absolutely not about you at all…. #StopLyingYouLiar

ROBERT: Oh, well...that’s good. *Forces eyes back down to blank book* *Go back to being cool Sugden* *Get him out of here so you can get back to your evil Plot*

AARON: So…*Opens mouth to say something* (FANDOM: What did you want to say Aaron?!?!) I guess if you’re not going to stare at me with worried heart eyes, I’ll just go then.

ROBERT: Yeah, if I look directly at you for too long, I’ll be finished. Plus, I’ve got Plot stuff to do so...see ya.

AARON: *Why aren’t you throwing yourself at me Face* *I’ll go but I’ve got my eye on you now because I’m suspicious of you and I still care Face* *Leaves*

ROBERT: *Reactivates Scheming Mode* Pulls out pills and ‘accidentally’ leaves a Plot Pill behind for ‘someone’ to find the next day* *Finishes crushing pills*

[Home Farm with Robert, Lawrence and Rebecca]

LAWRENCE: *Sleeping and probably dreaming of a way out*

REBECCA: *Stares long enough to establish that she cares and then goes upstairs because the Plot is calling her to sleep*

ROBERT: *Enters easily because he still has Plot Keys from Friday...er...yesterday* *Looks to the kitchen* *Sees toaster* *Gets sad* *Looks in the living room and sees the conveniently laid out bottle and glass of Armagnac* *Pours crushed pills into bottle*

LAWRENCE: *Stirs slightly and makes a sound*

ROBERT: *Wide eyed don’t do this to me now Plot Face* *Looks around shiftily, really earning his nickname*

LAWRENCE: *Settles long enough for Robert to finish*

ROBERT: *Escapes just in the nick of Plot*

LAWRENCE: Nightcap! Oh here’s my drink. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with it at all. *Chuckle* *Drinks*

ROBERT: *Wow that was easy. I wish all my Plots went like this Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[i-smile-so-i-must-be-fine]

1: My name? jess

2: Do I have any nicknames? lilo, babe, baby

3: Zodiac sign? virgo 

4: Video game I play to chill, not to win? none 

5: Book/series I reread? none 

6: Aliens or ghosts? ghosts

7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write?

8: Favourite radio station? capital fm or smooth 

9: Favourite flavour of anything? hmm strawberry

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great? amazing 

11: Favourite song? stitches - shawn mendes 

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better? lol don’t really make new friends often 

13: Favourite word? depends on my mood what i use the most 

14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them? no 

15: Last song I listened to? turn me on - riton 

16: TV show I always recommend? never really recommend anything 

17: Pirates or ninjas? pirates 

18: Movie I watch when I’m feeling down? perks of been a wallflower or fault in our stars

19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song? again depends on my mood

20: Favourite video games? none

21: What am I most afraid of? my girl dying or been left 

22: A good quality of mine? i care soooo much about others 

23: A bad quality of mine? paranoia/jealousy 

24: Cats or dogs? cats

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in? don’t really know 

26: Favourite season? autumn 

27: Am I in a relationship? yep 

28: Something I miss? been able to just go to my girls house or have her come to me 

29: My best friend? does my fiancee count.. other than that don’t have one 

30: Eye colour? green/brown they change colour 

31: Hair colour? brown

32: Someone I love? my girl and our son 

33: Someone I trust? my girl 

34: Someone I always think about? my girl and our son 

35: Am I excited about anything? seeing my girl on wednesday 

36: My current obsession? don’t currently have one 

37: Favourite TV shows as a child? lizzy mcguire 

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to? no 

39: Am I superstitious? not really

40: What do I think about most? ...

41: Do I have any strange phobias? no 

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? behind 

43: Favourite hobbies? listening to music/ watching netflix 

44: Last book I read? can’t remember what its called but i need to finish reading it 

45: Last film I watched? a star is born 

46: Do I play any instruments? no 

47: Favourite animal? tiger

48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow?

49: Superpower I wish I could have? wish i could have three.. invisibility, fly, read minds 

50: How do I destress? i don’t 

51: Do I like confrontation? no 

52: When do I feel most at peace? with my girl 

53: What makes me smile? my girl and our son 

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off? off

55: Play any sports? used to 

56: What is my song of the week? don’t have one 

57: Favourite drink? red bull 

58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody? its been a while

59: Afraid of heights? no 

60: Pet peeve? people biting their nails 

61: What was the last concert I went to see? shawn mendes 

62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian? no 

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger? pe teacher 

64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy? kinda 

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of? dunno 

66: Something I worry about? everything 

67: Scared of the dark? only when im out on my own 

68: Who are my best friends? answered 

69: What do I admire most about others? it varys in each person 

70: Can I sing? LOL no 

71: Something I wish I could do? read minds 

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do? help family out, by my little family a house, learn to drive and buy a car, holidays, 

73: Have I ever skipped school? yea

74: Favourite place on the planet? hmm anywhere with my little family is perfect 

75: Where do I want to live? as a kid i always wanted to move to ameria, and now i’d love to live in greece 

76: Do I have any pets? yea

77: What is my current desktop picture? the quote “love is louder than the pressure to be perfect”

78: Early bird or night owl? night 

79: Sunsets or sunrise? set

80: Can I drive? i wish 

81: Story behind my last kiss? saying goodbye :(

82: Earphones or headphones? both 

83: Have I ever had braces? no 

84: Story behind one of my scars? sh 

85: Favourite genre of music? listen to most genres 

86: Who is my hero? hmm 

87: Favourite comic book character? harley quinn

88: What makes me really angry? anything can trigger it 

89: Kindle or real book? neither

90: Favourite sporty activity? dunno 

91: What is one thing that isn’t tight in schools that should be?

92: What was my favourite subject at school? pe

93: Siblings? 1

94: What was the last thing I bought? a can of monster 

95: How tall am I? 5″3

96: Can I cook? kinda

97: Can I bake? a little 

98: 3 things I love? my girl, my son, my phone 

99: 3 things I hate? been late, my ex, my girls ex 

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends? girls 

101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys? girls 

102: Where was I born? england 

103: Sexual orientation? lesbian 

104: Where do I currently live? england 

105: Last person I texted? my girl 

106: Last time I cried? this morning 

107: Guilty pleasure? dunno 

108: Favourite Youtuber? rose and rosie 

109: A photo of myself. no 

110: Do I like selfies? only if someone else is in them with me 

111: Favourite game app? home scapes 

112: My relationship with my parents? its okay 

113: Favourite accents? canadian 

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit? i want to travel the world so yea 

115: Favourite number? 7

116: Can I juggle? no 

117: Am I religious? no 

118: Do I like space? kinda 

119: Do I like the deep ocean? yea 

120: Am I much of a daredevil? probably 

121: Am I allergic to anything? no 

122: Can I curl my tongue? no 

123: Can I wiggle my ears? no 

124: Do I like clowns? they’re alright 

125: The Beatles or Elvis? neither 

126: My current project? don’t have one 

127: Am I a bad loser? no 

128: Do I admit when I wrong? sometimes 

129: Forest or beach? beach 

130: Favourite piece of advice? dunno 

131: Am I a good liar? kinda

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district? erm well i got bored of harry potter through the first one.. dunno anything about the second one and hunger games confused me 

133: Do I talk to myself? i talk to the voices in my head if that counts 

134: Am I very social? lol no

135: Do I like gossip? sometimes

136: Do I keep a journal/diary? no 

137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test? yea plenty of times 

138: Do I believe in second chances? pretty much 

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do? keep the cash and hand in the wallet 

140: Do I believe people are capable of change? sometimes 

141: Have I ever been underweight? no 

142: Am I ticklish? very 

143: Have I ever been in a submarine? no but sounds fun 

144: Have I ever been on a plane? a few times 

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family? dunno 

146: Have I ever been overweight? story of my life 

147: Do I have any piercings? not anymore 

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real? harley quinn 

149: Do I have any tattoos? 9

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far? agreeing to meet the person who became my fiancee 3 months later 

151: Do I believe in Karma? i thought i did but apparently it doesn’t happen 

152: Do I wear glasses or contacts? i’m supposed to wear glasses to read 

153: What was my first car? i can’t drive 

154: Do I want children? i have 1 

155: Who is the most intelligent person I know?

156: My most embarrassing memory? to many to name 

157: What makes me nostalgic?

158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter? i have insomnia sooo 

159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty? brains 

160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe? black 

161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience? a few times 

162: What do I hate most about myself? everything 

163: What do I love most about myself? tattoos 

164: Do I like adventure? yea 

165: Do I believe in fate? kinda 

166: Favourite animal? tiger 

167: Have I ever been on radio? yea 

168: Have I ever been on TV? does the news count?

169: How old am I? 26

170: One of my favourite quotes? love is louder than the pressure to be perfect 

171: Do I hold grudges? yea

172: Do I trust easily? no 

173: Have I learnt from my mistakes? think so 

174: Best gift I’ve ever received? hmm 

175: Do I dream? i day dream a lot but for the past dunno how long i’ve had nightmares when i’ve been able to sleep

176: Have I ever had a night terror? all the time 

177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind? there all nightmares 

178: An experience that has made me stronger? erm 

179: If I were immortal, what would I do? god please i hope that never happens 

180: Do I like shopping? if im feeling impulsive 

181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do? i’d murder a few people 

182: What does “family” mean to me? dunno can’t explain it 

183: What is my spirit animal? sloth 

184: How do I want to be remembered?

185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose? maths 

186: What is my greatest failure? my last relationship but thank fuck it didn’t work out 

187: What is my greatest achievement? my son although it happened out of a very bad situation 

188: Love or money? love 

189: Love or career? love

190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go? its difficult coz i’d want to go to the future to see if things actually improve.. but i’d also want to go into the past to change things 

191: What makes me the happiest? my little family 

192: What is “home” to me? been in my girls arms 

193: What motivates me? my son 

194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be?

195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens? sure 

196: A movie that scared me as a child? incredible hulk 

197: Something I hated as a child that I like now? dunno 

198: Zombies or vampires? vampires 

199: Live in the city or suburbs? not fussed 

200: Dragons or wizards? dragons 

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me?

202: How do I define love? love is when you care deeply for someone and so much more

203: Do I judge a book by its cover? i try not to 

204: Have I ever had my heart broken? yea 

205: Do I like my handwriting? no 

206: Sweet or savoury? sweet 

207: Worst job I’ve had? when i was an intern at this little cafe i just hated the whole experience 

208: Do I collect anything? no 

209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without? my engagnment ring and the first ring my girl bought me 

210: What is on my bucket list? to travel 

211: How do I handle anger? depends 

212: Was I named after anyone? dunno 

213: Do I use sarcasm a lot? always 

214: What TV character am I most like? dunno 

215: What is the weirdest talent I have? i have flexible fingers 

216: Favourite fictional character? harley quinn