#my horse for prestidigitation

[mephestopheles]

I've kept them to the relatively damage free cantrips to keep things simplistic, but if you've got ideas share them

As usual share for more data

[curse-of-dming-strahd]

there are so many things in Strahd's "how to do combat good" section I want to pick at but let's start with some of my notes on his spell list

Mage Hand: Sometimes Strahd is lazy and doesn't want to pick things up. Combine with Greater Invisibility for shenanigans.

Prestidigitation: This is for instantly cleaning whatever drink some PC has tried to throw in his face.

Ray of Frost: The damage is ok but more importantly as long as he hits, the target's speed is reduced by 10 with no save, very nice.

Comprehend Languages: If my party gets clever and tries to talk in code or something I think he can pop this off to fix that.

Fog Cloud: Imposes disadvantage to attack for everyone in the cloud, does technically break line of sight. so against a higher-level party I think this is to give his allies a chance to get out of melee without having to waste an action disengaging (still a gamble), or use this if he's out of Invisibility, or toss this in a room the party is trying to bunker up in, forcing the party to decide between sitting in a disadvantage cloud, wasting time dispelling it, or leaving their safe space.

Sleep: On the worst possible roll and aimed at only one target, this is guaranteed to affect a creature with 5HP or less. It averages about 20-22HPs but that number's not assured. Best use is putting someone on watch to sleep at early levels, or targeting low HP NPCs where he actually wants to avoid doing damage, like Ireena.

Detect Thoughts: Fantastic for interacting with NPCs in a non-violent encounter but it's an obvious casting and only lasts for 1 minute so he's got to be strategic about casting ahead of time.

Gust of Wind: Priority should go to Mirror Image because Gust of Wind is not guaranteed to succeed, but if a player is dumb enough to stand within 10 feet of a 100ft drop I say go off queen (off the side of a building, GOODBYE)

Mirror Image: CAST ASAP the only thing worse than one Strahd laughing at you is four Strahds laughing at you and it's not a concentration spell.

Animate Dead: listen everything at 3rd level is going to have to compete with Fireball. but possibly might be worth it to give him something to do with his bonus action if Animate Objects isn't working out. skeleton with a ranged attack and partial cover is better than zombie that'll get ripped apart in melee immediately. he's got to keep that skelly within 60ft though. and if the party takes Counterspell it's.... listen this slot's probably going to get used for Fireball.

Fireball: FIGHT OPENER. CAST CENTERED ON SELF. EAT 30 DAMGE FOR BREAKFAST. FALL THROUGH THE FLOOR LAUGHING. HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT WELCOME TO HELL MOTHERFUCKERS IT'S FIREBALL. but seriously cast early when the floor isn't crawling with allies and then reserve one 3rd level spell slot for when the party has killed off most of his allies. doesn't require line of sight so he can cast this from a separate floor.

Nondetection: Might use this if the party gets tricky or he needs to hide something he stole from them but on Boss Fight Day this slot goes to Fireball and that's just how things have to be.

Blight: I mean this is basically Fireball with worse range, only one target, and it makes all your houseplants die.

Greater Invisibility: God the shenanigans I could get up to with Invisible Strahd. Oooh the possibilities. Ooooh they're so delicious. Anyway fuck yeah this spell rocks. Get out of sight, go invisible. Think Rahadin is bad? Now he's invisible! NIGHTMARE HORSE? WHAT HORSE? I LOVE THIS SPELL OK

Polymorph: I want to love polymorph but if they make their wisdom save you've wasted a slot you could have used to make yourself invisible. I can't even pretend he'd be gay and use this to help Rahadin one of his nebulous allies turn into a bird to get away from certain death or something bc it's a concentration spell so if the spell drops early it's like well fuck he got 50ft and then turned back into a guy :/ He ain't above turning a low-level PC into a bat though. That'd be fun.

Animate Objects: POP OFF IMMEDIATELY get that action economy on your side, animate a gargoyle, a suit of armor, and like 6 candelabras you tacky bitch. Again, gives him a bonus action and as long as he stays within 120ft he's solid. Earlier is better because later in the fight he needs that concentration for Greater Invisibility.

Scrying: I mean non-combat obviously but he's using this every damn day to spy on the party through NPCs he's familiar with that he knows are near the PCs, or locations he knows they're staying in. I'm sure that's his like, before-bed routine. Brush his teeth. Exfoliate. Scry on the party. Soothing.

[mintywolf]

A Long Road Home, Page 37 - Author Notes

Page 37

(Looks up from loading my Chekhov’s Gun) Oh hi. :)

They have Werther’s in Gelvaan, it’s canon. I also enjoyed drawing the pachydan soap advertisement. And the tressym clock. When I wrote this the old lady was just an unspecified Elderly Customer but since Matt has given us Old Lass Gemma she is now Gelvaan’s resident grumpy old lady. XD

I don’t know how Imogen managed to land Laudna a job so easily, haha. Exandria is a magical land where you can do extraordinary things. :’) It was easier to have her in the building for these conversations rather than lurking around outside it waiting for Imogen to get off work. As alluded to around page 20, Imogen did use to work in the stables but it’s implied she left because suddenly hearing Samuel the Stableboy’s thoughts about her made her uncomfortable. (Also because I wrote this next plot arc before I figured out that Faramore owns a stable as well as several stores and as you’ll see the catalyst is Imogen being forced to endure angry customers, something less likely to happen in a place where most of the clients are horses.) RIP Laudna you might be one of the few people who would actually enjoy a customer service position. RIP Imogen who would be much happier working in the back room.

I tried to portray this angry customer at least a little bit sympathetically, you can tell she’s tired and stressed and has sick kids. Unfortunately she’s inflicting said kids on the general public, which is making Imogen, whose favorite use of Prestidigitation is to keep clean, very anxious. (She also has a Karen hairdo under that scarf so you can tell how I really feel about her haha.) I wanted to have a panel where Laudna tries to take candy out of the jar after everyone else has left but Imogen grabs her wrist and tells her not to eat that, having seen where it’s been, but there wasn’t room.

[nat-1-whump]

Just found your blog and I'm enjoying it! I thought you might like to hear about my whumpy D&D session last night.

~~~

The party has been searching for a group of university students who went missing weeks ago from an astronomy expedition in the mountains. Last night we found them, holed up in the crypts below a ruined fortress. A dragon has been nesting on the roof of the fortress, and somehow the students got locked in while hiding from the dragon. We don't know how long they've been trapped, and they can't tell us yet (still too sick and traumatized).

The students are malnourished, dehydrated, terrified, and have five levels of exhaustion (at six, you die). It's also super cold here, underground in the snowy mountains. My cleric PC brought them to full HP, but that's not much, and it doesn't help the exhaustion. Ideally, we'd bring them upstairs and make a fire, but the dragon is returning very soon, so we have to stay hidden (we're level 5 and not keen to fight a dragon yet!). One of our NPC companions also has a level of exhaustion from the demanding journey into the mountains.

So we're doing guard shifts outside the entrance to the crypts while the rest of us try to spend the night as comfortably as possible. We dragged broken pallets and dusty bedding down from the barracks to keep us off the cold stone floor, our wizard is using prestidigitation to warm some of the stone and make tea, and someone made hot stew in the gatehouse and brought it over. We're helping the students warm up and making them pace themselves with water and food. They're understandably freaked out about spending another night down here, especially with the door closed, but it's the safest option. Maybe our bard can help distract and entertain us until bedtime.

If all goes well, everyone will get a long rest and feel somewhat better in the morning (especially the students, who can't even walk right now). The dragon will leave for the day and we can travel back down the mountain on our horses (who are hidden in the gatehouse for the night, with an NPC guarding them). We found an old toboggan that we might be able to use as a sleigh/sledge/stretcher if needed.

For now, I'm loving getting to roleplay so much caretaking! The DM brought me to tears with their portrayal of these poor students. I'm so glad we found them alive, and it feels great to be helping them and my party in a dire situation. My character is a luckbringer cleric with a holy duty to aid the daring. That aid currently looks like helping them keep their health and spirits up so they can stay daring.

I love this! Gets whumpier and whumpier. A group of students desperately huddling for warmth as they try to survive a deadly situation they weren't prepared for, unsure if they'd ever be rescued? Found malnourished, dehydrated, terrified, exhausted, and hiding from a monster in a freezing mountain? Cleric getting to provide comfort and warmth that these people haven't seen in your-patron-knows-how-long??? ASDFGHJKL my heart.

(Also, I don't know when this ask was sent so I'm sorry if this response is very late. I probably missed the notification or something.)

[29pageshomestuckeveryday]

Homestuck, page 7,928

[S][A6A6I5] ====>

And there it is.

The greatest reunion in Homestuck history. Neigh, the greatest MOMENT. It does not get better than this. It WILL NOT get better than this. At some point, possibly during the 5th or 6th loop of the above animation which you can't seem to stop watching and listening to, a thought occurs to you. You think with a sense of relief, this is it. We made it. This one-page triumph has just retroactively vindicated the long and arduous journey behind it. After every bump in the road, every setback, every nagging doubt about the story's direction, every FUCKING time your waifu got the shaft, all of that just got wiped away in the blink of a tearful eye by the single greatest piece of media you have ever experienced.

You can finally say with absolute conviction that it's all been worth it. It has all paid off. All roads no matter how treacherous brought you to this glory. Every obscure plot thread, every batshit twist, all that retcon stuff, the sprite squared shit, every bit of dubious narrative legerdemain, ALL of it you now realize was designed with excruciating precision to achieve this singular, magnificent result. You'd be blown away in hindsight by these shocking feats of multi-threaded plot prestidigitation if you weren't still transfixed by the looping animation. And your jaw would be hitting the floor by now if not for the leagues-deep sense of tranquility welling inside your bosom now that you know Homestuck's audacious promise has been utterly fulfilled forever.

You're now into your… what is it? 11th, maybe 12th loop of the animation? You've lost track, and it doesn't matter. What's the hurry, you wonder. What's the harm in camping on this page for a while longer. What else do you have going on? Maybe it's time we faced the facts. This is truly all you have. This is your LIFE. Without breaking eye contact with your monitor, you find yourself reaching for your smartphone. Wait, why exactly am I doing this, you wonder? Why am I going for my phone. You are going for your phone because it's time to take a fucking PICTURE, numbnuts. You decide that digital photography is the best way to make this shit last forever.

You nod and go, oh that makes sense, yeah. I'll definitely take a picture of this animation which has looped at least 20 times by now. Make sure you get yourself in the picture too, to prove you were there. You mumble, what? A selfie. Take a god damn selfie of yourself, posing next to page 9828 of MS Paint Adventures dot com. As you contort your body to pose next to your screen and flip your camera to selfie mode, I continue my unhinged diatribe to instruct all other readers to do the same. I want to see SELFIES, people. I need to see your ridiculous mugs next to these two gently bobbing freaks posted publicly on all of your social media channels by the THOUSANDS. Not just a few thousand either. Oh no. Like an old and wise meme once foretold, we're gonna need to clear nine big ones here. In fact I'm gonna need your selfies jacked up so far over 9000, scientists will have to start inventing new numbers to keep track.

Choke the internet with your selfies, or with a horse as my witness, I will delete this fucking website. If I don't see enough selfies out there, I will scrub Homestuck from the Akashic Servers and never speak its name again. I will then dedicate every shred of ingenuity, political influence and worldly resources I have to releasing darkness on this planet. So post your selfies early. Post them often. Post them to save a modern literary MASTERPIECE. Post them to save the lives of BILLIONS. But most of all, post them because you really want to, and were PROBABLY going to do it anyway even if I didn't say all this bullshit.

Song used: Horsecatska by James Roach

[lex-gon-give-it-to-ya]

📍 Dewstock, Solymly

(2 years after the destruction of Bellemare)

I finally made it closer to the coast. I’m in some tiny as shit village full of fishermen. It reeks. As usual looking for more people to bring into the cult of the Shadow Queen (as well as teaching their abusers a lesson)comes with being in the shittiest places I’ve ever seen.

After finally making it to the only tavern in town I paid for a nights stay and a hot meal. It was shitty food but anything is better than dried rations. While eating in the tavern I was eavesdropping on conversations, looking for marks. I played a prank on a dude who was talking about going home and “teaching his wife a lesson”. As expected he lost his shit, and a handsome asshole told him to sit down or leave (at that point I used prestidigitation to make it sound and smell like the dude shat his pants). The handsome asshole approached me and started asking me lots of questions.. ugh. I told him my name was Lex, and didn’t really give him much information other than that. But the dude was persistent! Thankfully we were interrupted by the first asshole, but the persistent asshole put him down with one uppercut. It was actually kinda hot. Afterwards I learned that “sexy, persistent asshole with nice biceps” name was actually Sebastien, some people call him seabass which is so fucking stupid. I decided I’d start calling him Bash.. easier to remember.

We parted ways, and I offered to help take passed out drunk asshole home with his useless dwarven friend. I talked to his wife who has a black eye. She claimed that she had fallen and hit a chair but I didn’t believe her for a minute. I told her my name is Lex and she can find me at the tavern if she needs help. With that I went back to the tavern, playing the long game with these people always works better than just blowing shit up, I’ve found. I had the intention of finding some more marks in the tavern, but there was like ONE guy there. I guess Dewstock isn’t a party town.

There was a guy who was down on his luck, his wife left him because he gambled all his money away. I wanted to see if he could change so I flipped him a GP. At that moment, Bash strolls in, covered in blood, with his stipid frilly shirt torn. Honestly, is there anything hotter than an asshole dude covered in blood?

He took me out to the stables where his horse was and there was a bloody cyclops head hanging off his saddle. At that point things started getting really weird. He got so close to me I could smell the salt of his sweat and the metallic blood he was covered in. I thought he was going to kiss me.. I told him I don’t like being touched, and he just got closer. I could feel his chest as he inhaled, and he grabbed my hair, and cut off a piece, then asked if I regretted killing “all those people”. So damn rude. I knocked him on his ass, stepped on his hand, and took my hair back and told him there wasn't much I ever did that I regretted.

As I walked away I took advantage of the shadows, and hid amongst them. I knew he’d try to chase me, so I waited until he passed by me, then went back to his horse, and emptied everything of worth I could find out of his saddlebags into my own pockets. I walked back to the tavern, and when he was not in the bar I assumed he was still out chasing after me. I went up to my room, pushed all the furniture in front of the window and the door, and went to bed.

The asshole must have been hiding under the bed, or be a sneaky as mother fucker, because when I woke up there was a note beside my pillow(seen below), with a lock of my hair in the shape of a heart. Creepy as fuck. The dude didn’t even have any shame, and was sitting in the main room in the tavern when I went to hunt him down. I sucker punched him and knocked him on his ass. “Do not presume that you know me strictly by what you have heard about me. Gossip spreads like wildfire when you do something society deems as bad. But they never ask why.” I sneered at him as I walked out the door.

To be honest, I was more angry that he got past my boundaries and got under my skin than anything else. I had to get out of that stupid ass town, but on the way I burned down that asshole peasant’s house. I hope he was still unconscious on his bed and his wife did the smart thing and left him like I told her to. But I was so angry that honestly at that point I didn’t even really care. Onto the next shitty town, I guess.

[faeratil]

DnD highlights from today’s roll:

———

(Orc Paladin with very low intelligence enters a provisions shop carrying a fresh goblin corpse)

Shopkeeper: Good god what is that??

Orc: YOU TRADE FOR FOOD??

Shopkeeper: I sell food, yes. But our provisions never arrived.

Orc: Gork, Son of Gork have goblin. Also have dead horse. Provision!

Shopkeeper: Are you suggesting I eat them?

Orc: We slay horse-killing goblin. You have horse?

Shopkeeper: I have a few…

Orc: WE KILLED GOBLIN. SAVED YOUR HORSES. Brought you dead corpse as provision. Trade for grog?

*rolls a nat20 persuasion*

Shopkeeper: Uhhhh sure…

Orc: GREAT! *smacks the shopkeeper on the back hard enough that he slams his head on the shop counter and loses his memory of the last five minutes*

———

(Fighting a pack of wolves in a cave)

Half-Orc Bard: I use my hand drum named [another party member’s real name] and beat it hard enough to cause an earth tremor under the wolves.

DM: Roll to attack

*rolls a nat20*

DM: *big sigh* You bang the drum so hard the sounds kills one of the wolves.

Half-Orc: I cut off its head.

DM: It’s already dead.

Half-Orc: I cut off its head.

DM: Alright.

Half-Orc (to Half-Elf Bard): I’m keeping this to make a disguise later.

———

(Introducing characters to each other)

Eladrin Warlock: My name is Reinys Veara.

Orc Paladin: HELLO ANUS!

Half-Elf Bard: My name is Yastrembsky.

Orc: YAAAASSS QUEEN!

Human Necromancer: I’m NecroMooser.

Orc: Moose

Homebrew Goose Gunslinger: My name is A. Goose

Eladrin: What does the “A” stand for?

Goose: It stands for “A”.

Eladrin: And what about you?

Half-Orc Bard: Stephen Wiffavee.

Human: But you spelled it with a “ph”.

Half-Orc: Yeah. Stephen Wiffavee.

Human: Then spell it right.

Eladrin: First name Stephen. Last name Wiffavee.

Human: OOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!!! Fuck you.

———

(Fighting wolves again)

Eladrin Warlock: I use Eldritch Blast with my hand touching the wolf’s nose.

DM: The wolf reacts as though it’s been tased.

Human Neceomancer: I want to use my sickness spell on that same wolf.

DM: Um okay, roll for it.

Human: 18 plus a +4 modifier, so 22.

DM: Fuck it. You hit the wolf with your sick spell. The wolf doesn’t die immediately, but instead shits himself with a bout of diarrhea so bad it launches him back into the cave wall where he breaks his neck.

Human: I skin the wolf.

Goose: It’s covered in shit.

Eladrin: I use Prestidigitation to clean the tail.

Human: I dunk it in the river to try and clean off more.

DM: It’s going to take you way too long to clean all of the shit out without soap, and Reinys can only use Prestidigitation once per hour.

Human: I chuck the whole pelt in the river.

———

(at a bar at the start of a bar fight)

Orc Paladin: GORK WANT MORE GROG!

Drunk NPC: I know where you can get special grog. You just have to leave this bar and find a different one.

Orc: SPECIAL GROG??

*picks up the drunk NPC and chucks him through the window*

Orc: Lead Gork to the SPECIAL GROG!!

[softanimalgoose]

Writing Meme

Rules: Pick ten of your fics, scroll to somewhere in the middle, pick a chunk of lines, and share it! Then tag ten people, if you’d like. 

I was tagged by @khashanakalashtar (<>) who is in none of my fandoms.

I tag @pfdiva, @lotsadeer, drat I’ve forgotten everyone else’s handles... consider yourself tagged!

From There is No Luck, There is The Force:

“Thank you, Cody,” Obi-Wan says, smiling a little wider as he recognizes the tea. “You always take such good care of me.”

“I try,” Cody says, and Obi-Wan looks up at him sharply, smile beginning to fade. Cody usually says ‘My duty’.

“I suppose it’s not your duty anymore, is it?” Obi-Wan says.

“No,” Cody says. “I do it because I want to.”

From Two Many Horses:

  Sophie goes in. Eliot lowers one careful level of shielding and watches the affect in his office shift. Foss is getting offended, right, proper, and as intended. When Nate walks out, dragging Sophie behind him, Eliot pushes off the wall and heads back in.

  Foss nods at him and makes this tiny, false, frustrated smile. Eliot has to chuckle.

  “Sorry,” he says, “I’ve just seen that look before. That’s a Bob Gibson special.” 

From Feel What You Feel:

“I recognize the problems because I have them,” Master Windu says wryly, “I can’t teach the basics of lightsaber form, because I’ve gotten so good at synthesizing and improvising that I don’t consciously have a handle on what the basics are any more. Master Yoda has that problem with dealing with grief.”

“He’s too good at doing it to teach it?”

“Exactly,” Master Windu says, “He forgets to start at the beginning.”

From Things Seshmir Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The Warehouse

The following document is a fair copy of the original, which was scorched, torn, and stained, and was retrieved from the warehouse that Tessa Blackmoor, her girlfriend Ai Abushi, and several other associated criminals live in after the place burned down. It is presented without comment for the edification of the officers of the law who are pursuing these dangerous miscreants.

From There's Not That Much of a Difference Between a Theologian and a Private Eye

 Corra looks at the bug, and at Seshmir, and asks Orron for some more napkins. Seshmir pointedly prestidigitates himself clean, and then does the same to the table. Orron snickers.

 "I don't think Sahiri meant for you to eat that," Tessa says.

 "Jenkins doesn't eat, though," Seshmir says. "Except pain and suffering." Tessa rolls her eyes.

From Rustle of Leaves

       AuDy got into the bank with a money transfer. A money transfer going to, of all places, Jackson. Now what would AuDy want in Jackson? In a -- Mako does a little more research -- a Jacksonian fleshhouse.  

       What would a disembodied mesh intelligence want with a place that sells bodies.  

       “Oh, come on, AuDy!” Mako says. “There’s gotta be a better way to do this than  that.” But then again, depersonal cloning is illegal pretty much everywhere. For good reason, of course, because basically everything you can do with a depersonal clone is a Bad Thing, but it does limit AuDy’s options.

From I’ll Miss More Than Your Beer

   “Of course,” Seshmir says, turning to face him. “But I thought you probably wouldn’t want someone to pick up your armor and use it for something bad, and Michael didn’t want to be messing around with any magical artifacts.”

         “He asked you to bring these?” Orran gestures to the bag at Seshmir’s feet.

         “You left the door unlocked,” Seshmir says. He shrugs. “I’m sure the temple of Mordan has some way of dealing with armor that isn’t needed anymore.”

From This New Thing

     “You like them so much you fell over?” Fero sits Samol down again, leaning him up against the tree, brushing the back of his hand against Ordenna in the process. It’s still a strange feeling, even after all these years. His dirt drags onto the stars, and it’s like the opposite of getting a splinter, somehow. Ferrets make little mud nests in the corners of the stars, and it’s  Heiron, there where it shouldn’t be.

     “That newest one, the ferret — that scarf-caterpillar — it touched the stars and came back down. It left me, and it came back home.” It’s beyond words, and Heiron’s stretching out beyond mortal timescales with the      strangeness of it.

From The Heterodyne Boys and The Glass Dirigible

    “Remember the plan!” Klaus called.

     “Right, brother!” Barry yelled. “No kissing.”

     “Aww, really?” Bill tried the hang-dog look that worked so well on business owners who were about to double charge the Heterodyne.

     “No kissing,” Klaus and Barry yelled back as one.

From Iatrok

“An iatrok isn’t a doctor, though. It’s a person who has decided that they are devoted to ensuring the health of the people within their reach, whether that is their profession or not.” Cass sighs heavily, fogging their mask. Of all the moments for a human to understand something Apostolosian…

     “Also there’s some gender things,” Sixheart says, “But I don’t know how those work.”

     “It’s not gender,” Cass says. “If gender were like eidolosnei it would make sense.”

     Sixheart snorts. “Fair enough. So. Why does an iatrok want to know ‘just the basics’ of robotic repair and maintenance?”

[jezebel-apprentice-wizard]

Hey y'all!

Sorry I've been gone so long, Mr. Rhiggelsby had me practicing my prestidigiflipargation prestidigitation and I somehow accidentally polymorphirised myself into a horse.

As "penance" for my "disregard of prononciation" he left me as a horse for a week. Y'all don't tell him but I had a hootin' good time! I ran around and ate grass, only had to sleep 3 hours a day, I even had some fun in a hospital, but then Mr. Rhiggelsby brought me back and re-polymorphirised me into a person.

But he does say if I figure out how to un-polymorphirise myself I'll have learned my first spell!!!!

I'M SO EXCITED I'M LEARNIN' MAGIC Y'ALL!!!!1!1!!!!

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #189

Today on Fate and Phantasms we’re making the royal hikkikoneet of Himeji Castle, Osakabehime! This giant nerd is a Lore Bard, because it’s hard to stay in your room all day and not read things, as well as a Trickery Domain Cleric to fill your castle to the brim with ghostly defenses (and run away to your kotatsu when things get scary).

Check out her build breakdown below the cut, or her character sheet over here!

Next up: Prepare for trouble, and make it double!

Race and Background

Going by Fate’s official lore, Osakabehime is a kitsune like Tamamo. But, since Tamamo’s pretty insistent on No Doubles, O-heems here had to change her race, and so do we. So we’re making her a Hexblood to get some castle magic right off the bat. This makes Batty Fey and Humanoid, and she gets +1 Wisdom and +2 Charisma. She keeps the standard Medium size, but she still gets Darkvision, Fey Resilience against the charmed condition, Hex Magic which lets her cast Disguise Self and Hex using her Charisma. You can cast one of these spells for free each day, or by using spell slots.

She can also make Magic Tokens out of her hair (and other things, but those are gross), letting her send a message to the creature holding it. Also, while she’s within 10 miles of the token, she can enter a trance to see and hear through the token for 1 minute, after which the token is destroyed. She can make a token once per long rest, and they only last until her next long rest anyway, so don’t get excited about stockpiling them like I just did before reading that part.

Castle Guardian Spirit isn’t an official D&D background, but fortunately Mangaka is! Or at least, Guild Artisan has the same sort of ring to it. This gives Batty proficiency in Insight and Persuasion.

Ability Scores

Batty’s Wisdom should be her highest stat. Making good art requires good eyes to figure out how to improve your technique. Second best is her Charisma. She’s got that awkward underdog style going for her, despite how much she overthinks things. Her Dexterity is also pretty high. She might not move around much, but she’s an expert at hiding from responsibilities! Batty’s Intelligence is above average, it’s hard to spend that much time on the internet and not learn something. Her Constitution isn’t great, I blame staying inside all day, but we’re dumping Strength for pretty much the same reason. There’s nothing saying a NEET can’t be a gym rat, but that’s def not Batty.

Class Levels

Bard 1: Starting off as a bard gives Batty all sorts of proficiencies, like Dexterity and Charisma saves, Sleight of Hand and Performance to master her brushstrokes, History for living for so long, and Stealth to slip away from crowds. If she does end up next to people though, she can use her Bardic Inspiration to give them a d6 for one of their checks, saves, or attack rolls Charisma Bonus times per long rest. Batty can also use her Charisma to cast Spells! Minor Illusion and Silent Image will create the first soldiers in her origami army (they can’t touch people, but they can be distracting!). She also gets Feather Fall for some bat parachuting, Blade Ward to hide from physical attacks in her kotatsu dimension, Charm Person to avoid fights altogether, and Distort Value to make even a neck guard look like a proof of courage.

Cleric 1: Bouncing over to cleric real quick will give us all sorts of goodies. Since Batty is a Trickery cleric, she gets a Blessing of the Trickster, giving another creature advantage on stealth checks for an hour. Don’t you know heavy armor is uruso noisy? Keep it quiet! She also learns another set of spells (since we’re multiclassing you’ll have to use the special table to figure out how many slots you have now.) that use her Wisdom to cast and prepare them. She gets Charm Person and Disguise Self for free, which... she already had from level one... But, she also gets cantrips! Guidance and Resistance will make you a little more knowledgeable than everyone else about everything, and Thaumaturgy will help you get your spooky castle ghost thing going. You can also prepare spells like Bane to dull the senses of intruders, and Purify Food and Drink and Sanctuary to protect yourself and guests.

Bard 2: Second level bards are even better at everything since they’re Jacks of All Trades, adding half their proficiency to all skill checks. They also learn a Song of Rest, so anyone brave enough to spend a short rest in Himeji Castle will heal an extra d6 when they use hit dice. Your Magical Inspiration makes your bardic inspiration dice even better, letting your allies add the d6 to the damage or healing of a spell! Batty can also cast Speak with Animals now! Turns out she has an army of like 800 animal spirits helping out, which certainly explains all the origami.

Bard 3: As a Lore bard, Batty gets even more proficiencies, making her really good with Deception, Arcana, and Religion. I mean, she is kind of a god already. She can also turn her bardic inspiration into Cutting Words, reducing a creature’s check, attack roll, or damage by that amount instead of adding to it. She means well, but her cringey moments can get pretty uramessy. She also get Expertise in Performance and Stealth, doubling her jozu modifier. She can also cast Animal Messenger to make her first origami animal that can actually help you, delivering a message to a creature you specify in a location you’ve been before.

Bard 4: Use your first Ability Score Improvement to bump up your Charisma for more inspiration and confidence, meaning more helpful hints and more cringey cutting words per long rest. This also makes your spells better! Speaking of, you get Prestidigitation to make real origami at will, and Phantasmal Force to make an origami horse that can really trample people. Well, kind of. It’s still an illusion, but the damage is real.

Bard 5: Fifth level bards get stronger Bardic Inspiration, their dice turning into d8s. They also become a Font of Inspiration, thanks to their inspiration dice refilling on short rests instead of long ones. You can also use third level spells now, like using a Glyph of Warding to hide Phantasmal Forces all around your castle. You can use these glyphs to create Explosive Runes for straight damage, or Spell Glyphs to store spells of the level you cast the glyph at or lower, which will target whatever activated the glyph in the first place. It takes an hour and 200 gold to cast, but it also lets you ignore concentration, so... actually this would be a great way to summon creatures. Just stick a glyph in a book, throw it at a creature’s head, boom, summons without concentration. You’re welcome.

Bard 6: Sixth level bards can waste their turn using Countercharm to give allies advantage on saves against being frightened or charmed. You already get half of that for free, so why bother. More importantly, you get Additional Magical Secrets, giving you two spells from any class. For your normal spell, grab Nondetection to prevent yourself from getting found through magic, then use magical secrets to pick up Leomund’s Tiny Hut to hide in a proper kotatsu of protection, and Conjure Animals for some slightly fleshier origami animals. We’ll get the real deal later, but this works just as well, yo-i.

Bard 7: Seventh level bards get fourth level spells, like Hallucinatory Terrain. Changing up the whole castle grounds is a good way to get people lost, and if they’re lost they’re less likely to find you.

Bard 8: Max out your Charisma with this ASI for better spells and more cringe. You can also use Greater Invisibility to keep yourself hidden, even while making more origami.

Bard 9: Your last level of bard makes your Song of Rest a d8 too, but more importantly, you also get fifth level spells, meaning you can finally cast Animate Objects to make real origami animals of variable sizes. You can create up to 10 animals this way, with medium pieces of paper counting as two, large pieces as four, and huge objects as eight. You can also upcast this spell for more objects at once. Rise, my mighty karmy!

Cleric 2: Now that we have your origarmy ready to go, we can finally dip back into cleric! Second level clerics can Channel Divinity once per short rest, either Turning Undead with a wisdom save, or Invoking Duplicity to create an illusory copy of yourself for a minute. The illusion has to stay within 120 feet of you, but you can cast spells as though you were standing in its space. Perfect for when you have to fight but you want to stay in your tiny hut at the same time.

Cleric 3: Third level clerics get second level spells, like Mirror Image and Pass without Trace. Finally, you can make yourself sneaky! You also get access to a bunch of other spells that will make yourself more protected- Aid increases your and up to two other creature’s max HP for 8 hours, Protection from Poison protects you... from poison, and Zone of Truth makes sure nobody can hide their plans from you.

Cleric 4: With your bard stuff taken care of, you can use this ASI to bump up your Wisdom for stronger cleric spells. You also learn Mending. Your army is made of paper, they’re going to get torn eventually.

Cleric 5: Fifth level clerics can Destroy Undead of CR 1/2 or lower when they’re turned, and they also get third level spells, like Blink and Dispel Magic. Bringing your own magic into someone’s house is shitsurei manners, don’t you think? You can also Bestow Curses on particularly rude guests, Meld into Stone to hide away without a trace, and create Spirit Guardians to protect yourself from melee attacks.

Cleric 6: As a sixth level cleric, you can Channel Divinity twice per rest, and you can use it to put on a Cloak of Shadows, becoming invisible until the end of next turn, or until you attack or cast a spell.

Cleric 7: Seventh level clerics get fourth level spells, like Dimension Door to pop straight into your kotatsu from 500 feet away. You can also cast Polymorph to reclaim your foxy glory! Or turn into a T Rex, if you want to powergame. Your choice. You also get access to Guardians of Faith, which are like Spirit Guardians, but they don’t stick near you- perfect for when you want to avoid being in a fight entirely. You can also use an Aura of Life and/or Aura of Purity to make your hikkolife a bit easier. The former gives nearby allies resistance to necrotic damage, immunity to max HP reduction, and autoheals creatures when they start their turn with 0 hit points. Hey, another spell that would be really good to keep around in a glyph of warding! The latter prevents disease, gives creatures in it resistance against poison damage, and has advantage on saves against being blinded, charmed, deafened, frightened, paralyzed, poisoned, and stunned.

Cleric 8: Use your last ASI to max out your Wisdom for the best cleric spells possible. Your Destroy Undead grows to affect creatures of CR 1 or lower, and you also get a Divine Strike, causing all your weapon attacks to deal an extra 1d8 poison damage. I mean... no reason to turn down a free gift, right?

Cleric 9: Ninth level clerics get fifth level spells, like Dominate Person and Modify Memory to sculpt the minds of those foolish enough to enter your castle without permission. You can also use Insect Plague to create a massive swarm of tiny origami bats, dealing piercing damage to creatures stuck in them. Alternatively, use Hallow to make your castle a more liminal space, adding a bunch of effects against celestials, elementals, fey (probably should just not include that one.), fiends, and undead, preventing them from entering the area and messing with their magic and mental effects. There’s also a ton of other effects you can add, just take a look at the spell, we’re not writing them all out here.

Cleric 10: Tenth level clerics get Divine Intervention, letting you pray to your god for a roya-l get out of jail free card once a day, with a week’s break after it actually works. You have a roughly 1 in 10 chance of it working each time you use it, based on your cleric level. If it works, you can get whatever your DM thinks is appropriate- maybe a couple robots show up to help out your plan to be lazy forever? Nah, that’d be silly. You can also cast Sacred Flame this level. I was running out of good cantrips to give you, and kitsune are known for will of wisps and the like, so it’s sort of on theme.

Cleric 11: Your capstone level makes Destroy Undead affect creatures of CR 2 or lower, and you get sixth level spells! Forbiddance locks magical travel out of an area for up to a day- if you cast the spell every day for a month, it’ll last until dispelled. You can also force extraplanar creatures to take a bunch of damage every turn they’re in the area without a save, so Tamamo will finally leave you alone. You can use Word of Recall to teleport back to your kotatsu from anywhere, no restrictions. (Technically you have to pick a spot that is involved with your god, but aside from that.) Or, you can use a Heroes’ Feast to make the rest of your party stronger so you won’t feel as bad when you leave the fighting to them. This cures creatures of all disease and poison, makes them immune to poison and being frightened, gives them advantage on wisdom saves, and increases their max HP, all for 24 hours.

Pros and Cons

Pros:

Glyph of Warding lets you set up tons of traps and store spells away for later, all without using concentration. That is huge for a build whose main source of damage comes from summon spells. Not only does it let you cast more of them, it also means the ones you have up won’t disappear because you get hit.

Speaking of, it’s really easy for you to avoid combat entirely. Go invisible, hide in a tiny hut and let your duplicity do the fighting for you, throw gobs of paper at enemies then run the other way, whatever they do doesn’t matter because you won’t be around to get hit anyway!

If an enemy does try to chase you down, they’ll have to pass through your massive army of summons first-with an upcasted Animate Objects, that means they’ll be taking 18 attacks of opportunity before they even walk through them all, and that’s before factoring nonsense from your glyphs.

Cons:

You are terrible at fighting directly. You have very few spells that deal damage directly, you have barely over 100 HP, and your AC is 11 if you’re playing to character. Once somebody does make it past your paper, you’d better have a word of recall ready.

Multiclassing really hurts spellcasters. It means you don’t get 7th level or higher spells, you have to spend all your ASIs on casting modifiers to make them both good, and you don’t get the guaranteed intervention from only being a cleric.

You have a big army, but they’re still made of paper. If you go the tiny bat route, all your summons will only have 20 hp, which means one fireball will tear through all of them in a single blow.

[tigerkirby215]

5e Graves, the Outlaw build (League of Legends)

(Artwork by Jason Chan. Made for Riot Games.)

Blam blam?

Honestly I made Twisted Fate awhile ago so Graves was on my To Do list. It does also help that he has become a bit of a main character in the Tales of Runeterra shorts, being featured in both the Bilgewater and Bandle City short. And his place in the League meta certainly helps too.

But truthfully most of the builds I make are rather spur of the moment. Graves was just one I had a sudden bit of inspiration to do, which is why he’s up now.

GOALS

Hope you weren't planning to die of natural causes - Two barrels of Destiny should be enough to blow the brains out of anyone who stands in your way, or any other squishy bits.

I ain't got time to bleed - Who has more armor? The woman riding a horse made of literal metal, or the guy with a shotgun who did a bunch of Wave Dashes?

Lights out - To keep foes in place you’re going to need to smoke them out... Smoke them in?

RACE

Because I’m sick of constantly making Variant Humans I’m still going for Eberron Dragonmarks. Nothing really makes sense for Graves except for the Mark of Passage. Your Dexterity increases by 2 and you can increase any ability of your choice by 1: bump up that Constitution for a bit more bulk in the jungle.

You have Courier’s Speed for 5 extra feet of movement and Intuitive Motion to drive land vehicles or make Acrobatics checks. But of course the main feature we’re here for is Magical Passage to cast Misty Step once per Long Rest. Since we won’t be getting Misty Step from elsewhere we’ll finally have an accurate cooldown for Flash!

If Dragonmarks aren’t an option: Variant Human with either the Crossbow Expert feat or the Fey Touched feat works fine.

ABILITY SCORES

15; DEXTERITY - DEX is the “shoot gun” stat, as well as your AC stat among other things. Turns out we’ll have to shoot our gun a lot.

14; CHARISMA - Graves has a gruff charm to him, and while Fate is the one who usually does the talking that doesn’t mean Graves is incapable of doing so.

13; CONSTITUTION - You’re deceptively tanky for a Markman, though that mostly comes from Grit.

12; STRENGTH - You’re also a fairly large man, and New Destiny is a heavy gun.

10; WISDOM - You can tell when folk are lying but you’re a little dense.

8; INTELLIGENCE - But if the Legends of Runeterra shorts have shown anything it’s that you’re only really getting by on dumb luck and determination.

BACKGROUND

LoL wiki says you’re a mercenary, but you tend to work alone (or sometimes with your partner Tobias) so Urban Bounty Hunter makes a lot more sense for finding the scum of Bilgewater. Insight is nice but I’d also grab Intimidation instead of Persuasion or Deception, because you don’t play nice. You also get some tool proficiencies: I’m sure your partner taught you how to play with Cards and Dice, if only to cheat you out of your money.

But what we’re mainly here for is the Ear to the Ground feature, letting you keep in contact with Bilgewater’s underbelly to know who needs a blasting. These connections can get you a contact for bounty work anywhere you may go.

(Artwork by Kelly Aleshire. Made for Riot Games.)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - FIGHTER 1

If Fighter is the fastest way to learn how to shoot a gun then you must fight! Fighters get two proficiencies from the Fighter list: Athletics and Acrobatics will help you with all that “jungling” stuff.

You also get a Fighting Style and you may be surprised to hear but we’re going for Archery to shoot your gun better, and you also get Second Wind for some refillable potions.

Honestly the most interesting thing to talk about with Fighter levels is what you’re going to grab for a weapon. If you’ve got an Artificer who can give you a cool (Heavy) Crossbow then feel free to grab that, but for the most part we’ll be using Hand Crossbows to recreate the range limitations of Graves’ shotgun.

LEVEL 2 - FIGHTER 2

You’ve got two barrels on your gun so you should shoot both of them in a round thanks to Action Surge. Get another action on your turn! Yup that’s all she wrote chief.

LEVEL 3 - FIGHTER 3

Third level Fighters get to choose their Martial Archetype and Graves is simple, boring, but effective. Feel free to take something more fun (or just use the Dark Tides of Bilgewater Renegade subclass tbh) but it’s about time I crack out the good ol’ Champion Fighter! Buy a Collector for an Improved Critical range of either 19 or 20! That’s 10% crit chance! But any ADC main will tell you that 10% crit still isn’t much crit.

LEVEL 4 - FIGHTER 4

4th level Fighters get our first Ability Score Improvement but being able to shoot good is more important. Grab Crossbow Expert to shoot in melee, reload quickly in a fight, and shoot with your Bonus Action after shooting!

LEVEL 5 - FIGHTER 5

5th level Fighters get an Extra Attack to Blam and then Blam again. These two Blams are separate from your Crossbow Expert Blam which is also separate from Action Surge, allowing you to Blam another two times meaning by level 5 you can already Blam up to 5 times in one round!

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 6 - SORCERER 1

What? Did you really think that we wouldn’t have any spellcaster levels? Sorry to say it but there’s no easy way for a martial character to shoot out a smoke cloud or Wave Dash enough to survive a sniper rifle shot in the head.

We’ll be going for the Clockwork Soul since your gun is certainly mechanical in nature, and it’s certainly the soul of your character. As a Clockwork Sorcerer you can use your reaction to Restore Balance and negate either Advantage or Disadvantage a number of times equal to your proficiency bonus, regaining all expended uses at the end of a Long Rest. I’d flavor this more as your skill from years in the business letting you steady your aim or dodge out of the way of a foe who thinks they have the upper hand.

You know what helps with getting the upper hand? Spellcasting, especially with extra spells from Clockwork Magic. The extra spells you can get can be from the Abjuration or Transmutation schools, and can be from the Wizard, Warlock, or Sorcerer spell list. This means you can grab Shield for some Grit AC, and Absorb Elements for some Magic Resistance as well. You also get 4 cantrips and 2 more leveled spells:

CANTRIPS

Mind Sliver will serve as your Challenging Smite, weakening enemies and damaging them.

Message will help you keep in team chat with TF.

Prestidigitation will let you do all sorts of minor tricks with your bullets and gas canisters.

Mending will help you fix up your outfit after getting in scuff.

SPELLS

Fog Cloud will serve as your Smoke Screen, obviously.

To shoot out some Galeforce projectiles, grab Magic Missile to execute! (Note: Magic Missile will not actually execute.)

LEVEL 7 - WARLOCK 1

I COULDN’T HELP IT I’M SORRY. Warlock levels give us an easy way to have spells ready with just a short rest. First level Warlocks can choose their Patron at level 1 and for a bit more lethality take the Genie Patron. You can choose your Genie Kind and a Djinni will give a couple of benefits: for one your Genie’s Vessel will let you do Thunder damage equal to your Proficiency bonus once per turn thanks to Genie’s Wrath. You also have Bottled Respite for a safe place to rest and store the two guns and three knives you are expected to stick onto your gun.

You also get Pact Magic which is like regular spell slots but they come back after a Short Rest. Thunderwave is a good way to give yourself some space with shotgun knockback, and is on your Warlock spell list since you took the Djinni patron! And Hex is just good to Smite a foe to do more damage to them.

LEVEL 8 - WARLOCK 2

Second level Warlocks get their second Pact Magic slot, which is the main reason we need at least 2 levels in Warlock. But you also get Eldritch Invocations: Devil’s Sight will let you see through the dark with your dumb human eyes. And to play dress up Mask of Many Faces will let you put on some skins!

You can also learn another first level spell from the Warlock list: honestly there isn’t much I want, so I guess you can grab Armor of Agathys for some Thornmail.

(Artwork by Bo “chenbowow” Chen. Made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 9 - FIGHTER 6

Back to Fighterman, take me by the hand for Ability Scores and, +2 to Dexterity man.

LEVEL 10 - FIGHTER 7

7th level Champions are Remarkable Athletes, letting them add half their proficiency bonus to any STR, DEX, or CON check made which you aren’t already proficient in. Unfortunately you have proficiency in Athletics and Acrobatics but at least this buffs your Slight of Hand and Stealth. And since Initiative is a DEX check, this ability improves that too!

Oh and you can also increase the distance of a running long jump by a number of feet equal to your Strength modifier. A whole extra foot of jumping distance!

LEVEL 11 - FIGHTER 8

Hey more Ability Score Improvements! Cap off that Dexterity, and also put 1 in Charisma for later.

LEVEL 12 - FIGHTER 9

9th level Fighters get a QSS for Indomitable, rerolling a failed save to potentially succeed! Are you going to succeed any mental saving throws? Probably not, but you’ve got a good chance for Strength, Dexterity, and Constitution. And you can use this for Death Saves too!

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 13 - FIGHTER 10

10th level Champions get a whole Additional Fighting Style! Wowie! Take Defense for a bit more Grit in a teamfight.

LEVEL 14 - FIGHTER 11

11th level Fighters get an extra Extra Attack, letting them attack 3 times in a round. This means 4 attacks with Crossbow Expert and 7 if you Action Surge!

LEVEL 15 - FIGHTER 12

12th level Fighters get another Ability Score Improvement, and you know what’s better than one Flash? Two Flashes! Grab the Fey Touched Feat to increase your Charisma by 1, get another once-per-day use of the Misty Step spell, and also grab the Heroism spell for a bit more grit that you can cast with your first level slots.

(Artwork made for Riot Games.)

LEVEL 16 - FIGHTER 13

13th level Fighters get another use of Indomitable. That’s two rerolls on any failed save! Wow I know basic math!

LEVEL 17 - FIGHTER 14

14th level means another Ability Score Improvement: more Charisma means better Definitely-Not-Spells. But feel free to get something like Sharpshooter or another more practical feat, as the only spells you really have which rely on Charisma are Mind Sliver and Thunderwave.

LEVEL 18 - FIGHTER 15

15th level Champions finally grab their Infinity Edge for a Superior Critical on an 18, 19, or 20! 15% crit chance!

LEVEL 19 - FIGHTER 16

16th level means another Ability Score Improvement: either cap off your Charisma or grab some better feats. Build flexibility is important. "Got any bright ideas?"

LEVEL 20 - FIGHTER 17

Our last level is the 17th level of Fighter for one more use of Indomitable (making it 3 uses total) as well as an extra use of Action Surge! You can’t Action Surge twice in the same turn but you can Action Surge two turns in a row to really put the DPS out!

FINAL BUILD

PROS

I like my enemies two ways: dead, or about to be - Your shots are as reliable as they are deadly. 4 shots per turn thanks to Crossbow Expert’s Bonus Action, all of which have a whopping +13 to hit! Not to mention Genie’s Wrath giving you a flat +6 damage every turn and Superior Critical allowing you to crit 15% of the time.

Let's settle the score - A little bit of magic never hurt anyone. A few Misty Steps and a few more Shields can keep you out of danger, and spells like Hex can let you up your DPS. Even Fog Cloud (while admittedly situational) can still give you cover for either an attack or an escape.

Easy, partner - All that magic along with Fighter abilities and Fighter hit die means that you’re sturdier than most, with plenty of ways to shrug off attacks or boost yourself up after getting hit.

CONS

Who's in the dark now? - Making a specific point of dumping both Intelligence and Wisdom leaves you very lacking in social encounters. It also means that you’ll have a lot of trouble with spells. Even Hold Person can really hinder you.

Everyone's a hero... till you shoot off a leg or two - Champion isn’t exactly the most exciting class and this is well-known, but unfortunately Graves isn’t exactly the most exciting champion. Trust me I’d love to make him a Battle Master, Arcane Archer, Samurai, or Renegade (Dark Tides of Bilgewater.) But Graves is a big man with big crits and not much else.

Go ahead; I like moving targets - One more level in Warlock would’ve given you Misty Steps that come back after a Short Rest, as well as the Darkness spell which is arguably stronger than Fog Cloud. It would’ve also given you your Pact Boon, all of which are very strong. Honestly while the 17th level of Fighter is stronger if you know that you aren’t going to get to level 20 I’d definitely recommend a third Warlock level for the reasons I just said.

But of course anyone can win if they can just wave their hands around to send giant flaming rocks out of the sky. You prove that all you need to win a fight is a big gun, good aim, and a whole lotta grit. Put one between their eyes and a hundred more into their chest, and don’t mind any potential Collateral Damage. Just watch out for traps and stay clear of Yordles; wouldn’t want to be featured in another animated short.

(Artwork by Xu “Crow God” Cheng. Made for Riot Games.)

[thomasstalsworth]

Too Old ... Johnny Boy’s Bones

[ Prior Chapter ]

Captain Florence was a stone, stoic, stalwart and able man.

He wore grey hair with easy features. The sort of unwrinkled face that a man of his age could only acquire through studious effort at not smiling, frowning, or otherwise revealing his innards. There was no emotion about him at any time, even when pressed. The worst of weather he ever wore was on the cuff of his jacket. A ring of sweat when times were at their worst, and a clean slate of white cloth for the rest.

There was a reason -- many reasons, in truth -- why Thomas trust him so well. Old friendship was powerful, but all the moreso was demonstrable history, trust and action. Florence was a man of action and not word, that much could be seen even by the stranger. And so Thomas asked the greatest of efforts needed to the man, allows constituting such things as an offer. The two men knew each other well, but even as his Admiral now -- a feat of strength so far beyond the measure and imagination of their younger minds -- Tom never ordered Florence. He offered, and requested what needed done.

And Florence always, without fail, did what needed to be done.

And so it was that Florence stood at the helm of a thin-strop vessel, a bare creature of wood and tar and two masts that was heavy enough to ferry himself and a trusted crew to Freeman’s Bones. A neutral, freebooter’s harbour and mooring some unfettered stretch of horizon South of Freehold herself. Yet where Freehold was a den to pirate, villainy and the dealings of men’s unsavory hearts -- Freeman’s Bones were just that.

A scattered mass of scaffolding, dockways, mooring posts and stray driftwood to form a bulwark against the rest of the world. A place for men and women of the ocean to take ease a spell before they were off again. A place where you were still free, even if your feet were on land.

‘Land’.

Freeman’s Bones was barely such a thing. The wandering, rickety nature of it was all built upon the same, single spit of rock and reef. What had begun as a single dock and a bare-rattle pub with just enough grog for a man to drown in if he kept both nostrils pressed to the floorboards had become a thriving, seaside piece and trade. A freewater depth for the wanderer’s anchor.

And the current dwelling of Roderick Allhouse and Belly-Ann Hurstvale. The two freebooters, accomplished anglers, well-water privateers and occasional buskers that Thomas had asked Florence to find. Seek them out, inform them of the Admiral’s need and plan, and bring them back to Stormholme under a grey sail. Simple.

Thomas’ requests were never simple.

All hands at harbour, all hands on deck or below. Florence tread the half-scoured wooden walkways of the Bones alone. Nary a soul joined him, and with good enough cause. The most of them were green to boot, young men and women who were only of knowledge for that Florence had a pleasure’s call to the isle and her piecemeal wooden skeleton. The better and beastly and trusted of Stormholme’s harbour lay with Thomas. There was work to be done.

And Florence had his part to play. The man was not known for parting before his due was done.

Straight on the lace and burdened with principle, ethic and the equanimity of a Stormsong stream in midsummer, Florence walked through the vibrant pathways of the Bones. So many ragged, half-heart folk passed him by in all direction. An unhurried sort of congestion, ‘roads’ stacked atop each other and swollen high and wide with men and women.

Free men and women.

It was a ten-start of minutes at most before Florence found himself, prim and bucked up in the spine looking far, far apart from the generous masses, standing within the belly of the Bones. That rattle-skin pub that was the first building nailed to reef and pinioned to stand against the rock of the sea below.

‘Coccyx’.

The humor was not lost on Florence, and perhaps in the privacy of his own cabin quarter, with the curtains drawn and a disc of music playing from the gnomecorder, he might have allowed himself a single puff of air from the nostril -- to laugh. As close as he ever was to laugh.

The pub was wide, and squat. No ceiling laid higher than a man could reach up to touch. It felt so much like the hold of a vessel, all run up with the sweat, bluster and cry of sailing creatures that it jarred Florence. He was a perceptive man, though, and shucked off the peculiarity of the Bones to lay his mind to work.

Roderick Allhouse and Belly-Ann Hurstvale.

The former was a sprite of a lad who wore a fashionable face; in appearance he was many years younger than the hourglass would call to. Boyish face and skin so scuttled and soured with ink that his pale flesh was barely visible. They said he could no longer grow hair on account of it. Sailor’s ink dragged into his flesh so many times with whalebone pen that no hair could grow -- only gills and scales.

The latter was a woman of curve and compass, covered as often as she was not. More mindful and heartfelt than any combination of sea captains from the Bones all the way South to the edge of the charter, and back again until you hit the Frozen Sea. She was keen and observant, not unlike Florence himself. But she saw beyond what presence that a man’s eye could conjure.

To find a single soul of affect in the belly of the Bones was a task beyond most creatures. Even those with the powers of prestidigitation or prescience, divination or else wise. Florence had none of that. He was but a man with good cording and a sound mind, a penchant to dress in anticipation of the weather and the ability to inflict a potent right-hook.

He also knew what liquor that the latter and the former of his notion of task drank.

Somewhere, in the far corner that resembled a ‘stage’ cut into the pub’s depths, a lilting of music managed to buoy itself over the craig and call of the patrons. A few lads were having a go with a beaten string-body and a horse-hair bow, a few guitars, and a wooden drum, singing:

“Forty-five in the fox holes And of this I will boast Don't they look fine and handsome My poor Johnny-boy's bones … “

The song carried on, and the next -- and the next.

It took a few hours, but eventually after the fourteenth or fifteenth round that Florence’s purse bought for those in earshot of the pub’s counter top -- which was not far, as it stood, considering the roar of noise in the drink home -- the man and woman of his task slid through the crowd. Whether they had been there the entire time or only came about after getting word -- slowly, through the throng and sweat of sailors -- that free drinks were rolling like tidewater, Florence could not know.

“Two in the air, Bonny!” A male voice called, spirited in the way that young men usually were when they had an amiable lass on their arm and a desire to look the peacock.

“Gush it a’three, love -- thanks.” A female voice called crow to reply. Lilting moreso, but hazy in the throat in such way that constant smoke-fall down the gullet gave.

It was not useful to try to hide. Florence looked as much a member of the shifting, pierced and tattooed, sunk-heel and red-sashed, belly-raised and ‘member’-forward, cutlass-keen and pistol-first crowd as a husk of corn looked fitting in a Duchess’ garden.

He let Roderick and Belly-Ann take up their drinks before he spoke. The liquor was a revolting substance, in truth. But some peoples of the edges of the common folk took good favor to it. If the goal was to be inebriated, invigorated, and given better cause for a ‘second sight’ through the caustic waves of the open sea -- Bonemarrow was the way forward. Florence liked to think it was rum, but in truth no one but the settled souls of Freeman’s Bones knew just what in the good Godly damn was in the kegs that made it run so thick and black, like blackstrap syrup forged with intention to make children in hammocks by the groggy seaside.

-- Thoughts unimportant.

“Let us get a few down beforehand, aye?”

Florence spoke first, standing proddled and proper at the edge of the bar. In a space of pub so shoulder-to-briny-shoulder, it was quite odd how no one was willing to gather near him. Despite the way he spilled coin after shiny coin to pay off the rounds that were poured. Only greetings and raised ‘cheers!’ came his way. So when he spoke, it was noted. Roderick and Belly-Ann both looked to him, appraising each other, then reasserting their gaze.

“Better to know the after-hand first, cuff. Let’s a man know how many to get down first.”

Roderick replied with a simmering sarcasm. His tone was not any surprise. Tom had said he would be the worse of the two of them to net and drag. Liquor helped that, though -- and Roderick drained his marrow quickly from the glass, tapping an obscenely jeweled set of fingers against the vessel to demand more.

Belly-Ann had a covering over her head, some thin-spun silk sort of thing that would not have looked amiss among the caravans of itinerant merchants that often criss-crossed Wrynn lands. She did not say anything as she dragged her lips over her own pour of marrow.

“The after-hand is all gold, friend -- and Big Iron.”

The old name sprung memory back to both Belly-Ann and Roderick when Florence spoke. Few recalled Thomas’ old subtitles. Only those with more sands in the hourglass down with gravity’s flow than naught might have been possessed to know. By the sudden pause and quirk of pierced brow and ink-heavy lip, Belly-Ann and Roderick were counted in such crew.

“He wants you to come hear what he has to say. There is work to do, and a powerful need for capable souls.”

Despite Florence’s prim and structured state and tone -- the relevance and severity was cast in his voice. Even through the haze and smoke of pipe and pouch in the briny pub, his eyes cut through. His words were only buoyed by the marble cast he gave. A contrast, surely, as he was all pressed uniform and stiff collar, shaven face and unlacquered skin. -- But an understanding passed among the scream and huff and heft and lift of the crowd.

“.. I’ve an eye on the lass fifteen paces behind your stick-heel starfish. After I’ve gotten my fill, and if this marrow keeps flowing free to sole, then we’ll consider thumbing tooth with Big.”

Belly-Ann spoke first, and she spoke for both herself and Roderick. Keen and mouthy and saddled with fisticuffs, thin-man’s strength and scrawny draw as he was -- Belly was the mind between the pair. That was clear enough. Roderick nodded in obeyment, trying to eye out the lass that Belly spoke of.

Florence nod once, keeping an eye to them both. After enough of a spelling of seconds to be assured of their validity, he set his coin purse -- full and swollen -- onto the bar top. With a glance to the barman, who looked confused, but quite happy to take the coin and let the rounds keep rolling along, Florence turned and left the pub.

Thomas had said that if he managed to find them and get their mind for it, attention drawn and not quite quartered -- at worst halved -- then they’d know where to find his mooring.

And so Florence returned to his green-galley-gill crew and tried to act like he had just spent the last few hours having a go of his nethers, as had been the implication of the surreptitious voyage, rather than standing around the Coccyx and enduring the smell of spittle, beer and sour rum for hours, waiting.

And Florence waited more, sat upon a beaten old chair on the deck, by the gangway, until late -- late -- into the night, Belly-Ann and Roderick came aboard.

Cussing and ravaging and posturing died quicker than the good Captain could have thought. Florence need only tell them the most intimate of detail and none of the grandeur to gain their fallen faces -- both Roderick and Belly-Ann -- and their nod of trust. The man at the end of Thomas’ harpoon-aim had hurt his child. The man had hurt his child. Far apart as old friends could be in life, some things demanded loyalty no matter what.  -- They would join Thomas’ crew and help round up the disparate old friends -- and some enemies -- that he would need to conjure up a real chance at taking down the Red Lord.

With Roderick and Belly-Ann on board, Florence called to weigh anchor and sail -- back to Stormholme. Their last port of harbour before the hunt was on.

[brownstonearmy]

2020-08-08: Juiced! (Part 2)

August 4 (Tuesday Morning)

The following morning, after a scrumptious breakfast, the party assembles in the town square after witnessing a commotion. Mayor Dunwall --still in the form of a human-sized dung beetle-- is frantically trying to access the secret contents of the Mysterious Outhouse that has scraped its way through the streets and is ever so slowly passing the mayor's house. A smattering of townsfolk have come out to gawk at the outhouse and jeer at the mayor as he tries to get the toilet treasure he so desperately wants.

Spleenifer, who had not previously met Mayor Dunwall, is first to approach. "Well howdy!" she says, lured in by the Mayor's uh... natural odors. The mayor sizes up the interloper and asks if Spleenifer has a horse. This is not the usual course introductory conversations take, and Spleenifer asks for clarification.

The horse is needed for jousting, of course! Perhaps a mounted charge against the Mysterious Outhouse can break open the door and spill its stinky secrets. Spleenifer summons a mount for the occasion and readies her quarterstaff for a charge. The mayor climbs up behind Spleenifer, his spiky little legs clasping Spleenifer's waist.

Lucky and Q (who goes by Raven today) opt to hang back to watch this (potentially literal) shitshow from a safe distance. Spleenifer takes off full-tilt and slams the business end of the quarterstaff into the Outhouse.

The Outhouse doesn't budge.

But the sudden impact sends Spleenifer and the mayor flying. Mayor Dunwall catches the worst of it, though, and slams into the Outhouse's door. His manured mandibles connect with the wooden door and it swings open.

Something green oozes out, and it's not what anyone expected. Everyone was expecting poop and perhaps poop-juice, but that's not what appears. An oozing creature that looks like animate mold manifests in front of the party, along with a group of weird-looking creatures that are more ugly mouth than anything else. One of those big mouth creatures bites the mayor and combat begins. Lucky triggers a wild surge, which causes her satchel of snacks to sprout little baby arms and skitter away.

A voice calls out from they roof of a nearby building: "Hey, this should help!" It's the monk that Spleenifer befriended from the Order of the Immaculate Shadow. The monk tosses an ornate bowl and a waterskin to the ground next to Spleenifer, just as Spleenifer perpetrates a hefty smiting upon her foes.

The ooze creature exudes an energy that befuddles those who come too close to it. Spleenifer is the first to succumb, unable to attack for now. Raven gets hit hard by the ooze, with the brain fog setting in right after. Lucky leaps into action with Thunder Step to save Raven from more injury.

While the monk tries to assist the party from the rooftops, he gets hit by one of the ooze's long tentacles and falls off the roof. He crashes through an awning and lands unconscious on the ground of a nearby alley. Lucky's upbeat spirit and halfling luck allow her to avoid the ooze's mental onslaught for now, and she takes a moment to cast invisibility oh herself, the monk, and a nearby commoner who is trapped near some of the gaping maw creatures.

Raven emerges from their confusion and helps Lucky throw some hurt on the monsters. Weapons fly through the air and the tide of battle gradually turns in the group's favor. During the brawl, Yance Elbereth pops up from a hidden spot and makes a break for safety. Both Lucky and Raven notice him, but allow him to run off unhindered while the pair focus on mopping up the remaining foes.

Invisible Lucky waves goodbye to the Yance, but the gesture remains unseen. Such are the hazards of invisibility. Yance darts down a side street and disappears.

Mayor Dunwall, having witnessed Spleenifer's fecal fascination firsthand, mentions that he is in need of a new administrative assistant. The previous assistant, Manuela Ferguson quit shortly after the mayor turned into a giant dung beetle. Perhaps Lady Spleenifer would consider an offer of municipal employment?

THE ANSWER IS YES.

As the fecal fellows foster a fast friendship for their shared fascination, Lucky tries has trouble dispelling her invisibility. She's so used to concentrating on spells that she forgets how to NOT concentrate. Eventually she uses Papercut to snip off a button from Raven to become invisible. The saucy gesture slightly surprises Raven, but they roll with it.

Once Lucky is properly visible, she goes into the outhouse and prestidigitates the mess away. As she does this, the outhouse door slams shut and locks her inside. Lucky knocks on the door to see if someone can let her out, but a disembodied voice that appears to be in the outhouse with her says "occupied" in an ominous fashion. To be fair, any surprise voice in a dark outhouse would probably be considered ominous. Equally ominous is that the toilet seat has once again sealed itself up.

Lucky shouts through the crescent moon cutout in the door to get some help. She doesn't have any more Fartknocker pills to blast open the door, so she asks Raven to see if they can acquire some. It's a 10 minute walk to Jangles' workshop, and Raven arrives to get more than they bargained for.

It appears that Jangles has been testing new formulations of the Fartknocker pills, and adjusted the chemistry to dramatically increase the duration of the... end results.

The new formula lets those who take it briefly fly. In theory.

Jangles has tested it on themselves already, and it appears to work. But a sample size of 1 doesn't involve enough product testing to decide how safe it is for broader market deployment. Raven is willing to test out the new pills in exchange for a date later that evening. It's a date!

By the time Raven gets back to the Mysterious Outhouse, it's moved about 30 feet. Raven gets into position and braces themselves in front of the outhouse door and takes the new pill. An intense bout of inflation races through Raven's guts and blasts out their back end. The forceful flatulence blasts open the outhouse's door and allows Lucky to squeeze free.

Now that Lucky is free, it's time for Raven to try to their hand (butt?) at flying. "Can you hold my hands?" they ask Spleenifer. Spleenifer rushes to aid her companion and Raven takes the first steps of a journey into the open sky.

The pair hurtle through the air like Iron Man with broken thrusters, if Iron Man's thrusters sounded like a fart crossed with the sound of a vehicle from the Jetsons. Spleenifer's grip is strong and refuses to admit defeat in the face of sudden aerial propulsion. The two make landfall a moment later, and Raven checks their pants for potential rips and potential tithes. Everything seems like it's in order, and Raven realizes that there might be some sort of cleanliness trigger behind the opening and closing of the outhouse.

Lucky goes back home to spoon with Hilaria after a long day, while Spleenifer formally completes the application process for her new job. It's just a formality, though, and the mayor hires her on the spot. He gives Spleenifer a name placard for her desk that reads "ASS. SPLEENIFER COLON." because "Administrative Assistant Spleenifer Colognaise" is both too long and too hard for the mayor to properly spell.

Raven goes back to Jangles' place for their date, where things conveniently fade to black to keep things family friendly. But after the extracurricular activities conclude between Jangles and Raven, there's a knock at the door.

It's Silas, and he's got a warrant out for Jangles' arrest. Jangles is being charged with identity theft and general criminal malfeasance from impersonating political candidate Zaribeth Quickfingers. Silas isn't too happy about having to arrest Jangles, either, but his hands are tied. He informs Raven that they can visit Jangles in jail and send them care packages, but anything beyond that is forbidden.

The adventure concludes for the evening as Jangles gets hauled off to jail. Stay tuned next time for more!

[emo-floof-child-writes]

The Sword of the Solstice

Chapter Eight: On the Road to the Warrior Village of Leeno.

They reach the edge of Ghia Forest, where a purple mist stands before them. Eijiro groans. “Well, now what?” Katsuki hops off the horse with a grin. He cracks his knuckles, and runs towards the mist at full force. The Solstice Sword makes a chime in Izuku's head. “NO, STOPPETH THINE FRIEND!” HOW?! Izuku asks. The Sword makes a noise not unlike a sigh. “Presseth the button to activateth mine blade, and tosseth me at the misty barrier.” Izuku frowns, but pulls out the hilt, and squeezes the button.

“Katsuki, look out!” Izuku yells, as he flings the blade towards the mist. Katsuki skids to a halt, the sun-blade flies past him, sending shimmering light into Katsuki's eyes. Katsuki growls. “DEKU, DON'T THROW SWORDS!” He yells loudly. The Sword makes contact with the barrier, landing on the ground with a clatter. A silence takes the woods, then a strong wind blows towards the party. The horses rear up, with a shrill whinny.

Ochaco, with the unexpected wind, and the force of the horse rearing up, falls off, landing on her side. “Miss Ochaco!” Momo says, as she strokes her horse's mane in an attempt to call the horse down. Izuku whispers something reassuring to his horse, as if he were some kind of horse whisperer, and perhaps he is, for the horse relaxes. Katsuki grabs the reins of his and Eijiro's horse, with an annoyed grunt.

“First of all, Ochaco, are you alright?” Katsuki asks, as she stands, dusting herself off. She nods. “Yeah, it wasn't that far of a fall.” He sighs, and then looks at Izuku with confusion. “Great. Second of all; WHAT ON THESKYX WAS THAT, DEKU?!” Izuku dismounts from his horse, and goes over to where the Sword landed. “I am not sure, the Solstice Sword told me you running towards the mist was bad, a-and that I needed to throw it at the mist...”

Izuku reaches down to pick up the Sword, now back to being a hilt, but upon touching it's surface, he feels heat. He retracts his hand, and winces. What just happened, Solstice? Izuku asks the Sword. The Sword shakes on the ground. Katsuki frowns, and motions Ochaco to follow him over to Izuku's side. They make their way up to him, as the Sword's blade reforms.

Only, instead of the golden yellow glow of sunlight, it is a red-ish pink glow, not unlike a setting sun. Izuku swallows, and he looks at Ochaco. “You wouldn't happen to have anything that can help pick up this Sword without burning your hand?” She points her staff towards the Sword. She takes a deep breath. “I have this spell, um, called Prestidigitation. It has many small uses, like cooling things down. I'm not sure how it would work on a magic, sentient sword, but it's worth a shot.” She closes her eyes, and in Elvish chants out the incantation.

A pink light emerges from the red gem on her staff, and it shoots out little specks of ice shoot out of it. They bounce off the Sword's surface, but when Izuku hesitantly reaches for it, he realizes it is ice cold now. He squeezes the button again, in an attempt to turn off the blade, but the red-ish pink blade remains. He frowns, and flips the sword in the air, repeatedly pushing down on the button to turn it off.

“You know, Solstice, when I said it'd be nice for you to have more powerful magic that last longer, this isn't what I meant!” He yells out loud at the blade, hoping to get a response. Ochaco frowns. “What's wrong with it?” She asks. Izuku sighs, and Katsuki groans. “Aren't you the mage here? Shouldn't you know?” Ochaco shakes her head. “I only know bits and pieces of information on this Sword. Shoto would know more...”

Eijiro nudges his horse forward. “S-speaking of him, we should get going...who knows how long it'll take them to get to Loyaci?” Katsuki nods, and climbs on, shoving Eijiro behind him. “I'm steering this horse.” He says, and looks back at the mist.

“That didn't even do anything. I mean, the mist is still there!” Momo says, as she spurs her horse up to the others. Ochaco walks closer to the foggy barrier. She waves her hand over. “Aw, no worries, everyone. I know this spell. It's a poisonous fog.” Momo groans. “Why is that a good thing?” Ochaco giggles. “Glad you asked! It's a good thing because I can dispel it with my magic!” She rubs her hands together. “This'll be fun...” She says, sarcastically.

She raised her hands, her one gloved hand pulled close to her chest, and with her ungloved hand she shoves into the fog, and she grunts, feeling the pain of the poison seep into her. She lets out a cry in Elvish equivalent to “Have mercy on me!” as she flings her other hand into the fog. She grits her teeth, and takes a large step forward, her boots digging into the dirt path beneath her.

With a loud fwoosh, the mist dissipates. She gasps, and falls face first into the dirt. Katsuki laughs, finding that to be a funny end to something that could be described as a powerful and amazing act. Izuku helps Ochaco get to her feet, and smiles. “You okay?” She nods. “Well, that is one barrier that we can pass through.” Momo says, with a sigh. “Maybe it isn't impossible to get into Loyaci.” Ochaco mounts behind her again, and shrugs.

“Well, what are we waiting for? We need to get to Loyaci!” Ochaco says. Izuku nods, and gets on his horse. With Solstice still being fully activated, he had to get on slowly, but once he did, he uses the Solstice Sword to point to the trail ahead of them. “I agree with Ochaco, we need to get Shoto back, and fast. So let's keep going!” They nod, and continue on down to the East-West Road. As the light starts to leave the sky, the five of them contemplate whether or not to rest.

“They will need to rest, because even with their magical teleportation, it takes a lot of energy to go a league, let alone 162 leagues! We can make quicker time if we continue until the moon shines high in the sky.” Ochaco says, with certainty. Kasuki, Izuku, and Momo nod. Eijiro frowns. “Is this a good idea, us riding on the road after dark?” Katsuki scoffs. “Don't be pathetic. We're a group of five adventurers, people will know better than to cross us.” Eijiro bites his lip, with one of his fangs. “If you say so, Katsuki.”

Izuku holds the Solstice Sword, which still hasn’t changed back to being a hilt. “I suppose the Solstice Sword can work as a light for now.” The others agree, and start down the East-West Road. Hours pass, and the moon shines through some clouds overhead. They stop, and decide to make camp. Momo takes first watch, and as they are settling in, Ochaco plants her staff in the ground. She kneels behind it, and grasps it. Her nails dig into the wood, and she closes her eyes.

Eijiro and Katsuki set down their beddings, and Eijiro frowns. “Are you okay, Ochaco?” He asks, and she nods, but doesn’t relax. Eijiro shrugs, and pulls Katsuki aside. “You wanna try?” He whispers to Katsuki, who scoffs. “What can I do that you can’t?” He asks Eijiro, who folds his arms. “Maybe she is right, you are a little dimwitted.” Eijiro says, laughing. Katsuki growls, and rolls his eyes.

“What are you talking about, Scales?” Katsuki asks, and Eijiro chuckles. “Whether you would admit it or not, you are the closest to her. She seems to be more comfortable around you.” Katsuki sighs. “I guess I can try.” He says, sitting down by her. Izuku looks down at the Solstice Sword. He has been periodically trying to communicate with it, but it is either recharging, or isn’t responding.

Maybe I’ve lost contact with it, or whatever made it sentient is gone? Maybe it suicided against the mist... But the hilt was so hot, and the blade reappeared on it’s own...and it was like a sunset. Maybe something’s happened? Izuku looks at the party, and sighs. “What am I gonna do?” He asks himself out loud. “With Shoto gone, I don’t know what to do. I’m lost...” He feels a metal bracer touch his shoulder.

He turns to see Momo standing behind him. “As a leader of a leaderless kingdom for many years, a word of advice.” Izuku tilts his head, and frowns. “What is it?” Momo sighs. “If you have doubts, either be honest with those you’re leading, or keep them quiet.” Izuku shakes his head. “I never really thought of myself as a leader, I’ve always taken advice from others, and just said what the general consensus is.”

Momo nods. “Maybe you are just the final vote in the consensus, but they agree with you and listen to you. Being a good leader is just being able to listen to those around you.” Izuku nods, and sighs. “Well, then what do you think of this mission, is there any chance of success?” Momo taps her chin. “I think it’s a small chance of success, but I know that for me at least I need it to succeed, for my young lord.”

Izuku frowns. “By my honor, I will do my best to get you to him.” She smiles. “I appreciate that.” She says. “I hope things aren’t too terrible with him.” She adds, and Izuku clenches his fist. “We’ll make sure that those villains are dealt with. But Shoto is strong, he won’t bend easily. He’ll be fine.”

With those villains everything wasn’t “fine”. Shoto was tied to a tree without his sword, and Himiko used an evil sigil of Dendar that messes with the Paladins of Light. Or at least that’s what she said it did. Unfortunately Shoto couldn’t see it, because it was carved into the tree behind him. Even if I could see it, I doubt I would be able to identify it, let alone read it. Shoto sighs.

Dabi and Himiko used black magic teleport them and Shoto to wherever they were. Shoto couldn’t identify it, but all he knew was the trip was taxing on both of cultists, so that they just set up camp right then and there. They must have trust that I can’t cast spells... Well, I suppose the worst case scenario, if I die, whatever they want me for won’t work. He channels his power, hoping to cast Call Stead.

All he feels is a stabbing pain in his chest, coming from the glyph behind him. Shoto smirks. “Oh, it’s anti-magic?” He whispers to himself. He knows that these anti-magic runes can be undone if you deface them. Since my arms are tied around the tree, the only way I can undo the mark is by moving. He sighs. I am pretty strong, right? I can do this... He glances back at Himiko and Dabi, and grunts.

Got to do it quietly and fast, but going fast is going to make a lot of noise. He takes a deep breath. Here goes nothing... He inches around the tree, and hears a mumble. He freezes, and having gone maybe a quarter of the way around, looks back at the cultists. The mumbler was Dabi, but he seems fast asleep, and facing away from Shoto. Shoto lets out a relieved sigh, and tries to slide around the tree.

Whether the ropes were fraying, or he got a random burst of strength and dexterity, Shoto couldn’t determine. But he manages to get his hands by the sigil. Right, I need some slight of hand here. Hopefully I can make a deep enough scratch in it to cast my magic. He digs his nails into the tree trunk, in an attempt to destroy it. He feels his index nail chip, and growls. I just got to keep trying!

He tries again, and he feels it scratch a little, but again, he breaks his middle finger’s nail. He grits his teeth, getting more frustrated. They say third time's the charm, so here we go. With a grimace, he uses his thumb’s nail. His frustration and his urgency to break it cause him to apply as much pressure as possible, which makes a deep scratch in the sigil. Instead of feeling the evil magic dissipating, he feels that same jarring pain in his chest, although it wasn’t as strong.

A girl-ish giggle echoes through the dark woods. “Did you really think that was gonna work?” Himiko asks, walking over with her jagged black dagger. Shoto gasps. She smiles, and points the dagger at him. “I wasn’t asleep. Dabi told me to watch to see what you’d try to do if we left you unattended. Although my magic ward won’t be be undone by anyone except me or Dabi.”

Shoto sighs. “So now what? What are you going to do?” Shoto asks, trying to figure out how bad a situation is. “Well, I wasn't supposed to do this yet, but hehe, I'm impatient.” She lifts her dagger. Did she actually say “hehe”? Also... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? What's happening?! She chants in Dark Elvish, and the dark blade glows purple. Shoto looks around in a panic, hoping to find some kind of escape. Himiko giggles. “You think you can escape? Like we'd let Enji Todoroki's greatest dark creation go!” Shoto gasps. “My father? And ‘dark creation’? What kind of sick game are you playing? I am a Paladin of The Morning Lord, Guardian of Light! How am I a dark creation?”

Himiko frowns. “Your father never told you?” Shoto growls. “Told me what, you corrupt fiend?” He retorts. She grins. With the purple illuminating her face, her grin has an eerie glow. “Exactly! Fiends!” She says, placing the dunes of the dagger to his forehead. He grunts. “What on Theskyx are you talking about?” He asks, and she sighs. “You! You have fiendish blood!” Shoto's eyes widen. “That's not possible. My parents were elves!” She nods. “Yeah, but your father was experimenting with fiend blood in hopes of reviving the old powerful demons. He used you and your brother Touya to test it.”

Shoto frowns, remembering what Momo said happened to his brothers and sister. “But Touya's body was burned beyond recognition.” Shoto says. She giggles like she knew something he didn't, but doesn't say anything. She removes the blade from his forehead. “There. That should do it.” Shoto gasps. “W-wait. WHAT DID YOU DO?” She holds up a finger, indicating for him to wait. She walks around the tree, and riffles through her bag. She comes back with a mirror in her hand. She holds it up to his face, and on his forehead is the words that were on the blade.

Before Shoto was sure he couldn't read these Dark Elvish runes, but for some reason, he understands them perfectly. To him it read; “To the long lost Fiend King of Darkness.” He looks at Himiko. “The fiend king? Who is that?” She gasps. “You can read these runes?” She asks, and Shoto bites his tongue. I probably shouldn't say that I can read it... He scoffs. “No, I can't. I just heard you say that.” He tries to maintain eye contact with her. Lying is very honorable, but perhaps it will help me here. Lathander, forgive me.

She puts her knife back into its sheath. “Isn't it wrong for a paladin to lie?” She says, cackling. “You've already done things to darken your heart. Believe me or not, you are part fiend.” He feels a shiver run down his spine. She folds her arms. “The only way you're getting free is if you embrace your fiendish nature. Only a demon has the strength to break free of these magic ropes.” Shoto groans. So even if I had messed up the sigil, I wouldn't be able to get free. But if I truly am part demon, I cannot embrace it. I will fight it with every ounce of my being.

Shoto closes his eyes. “Us Paladins of Light have tons of patience, and I am blessed with a long life. How long can you hold up, I wonder?” She hisses at him. “You'll give in, we know your weakness. That girl paladin...” Shoto takes a deep breath. She's trying to get a rise out of you, get a hold of yourself. “She isn't anywhere close to us. You have no power that could weaken me.” She clenches her fists. “What about Reneumel? I could destroy it.” Himiko says, with a smirk. Shoto nods. “Yeah, you could, but that would break our agreement, and I won't come willingly to Loyaci. And you clearly need me.”

She scoffs. “You'll cave. It's only a matter of time.” She lies down nearby. “Get to sleep, we're going to teleport again at first light.” Shoto chuckles. She was trying to get a rise out of me, but she's the one who frustrated and annoyed. Interesting how that works. But about the stuff she said, how can I be part fiend? They were all but destroyed by in-fighting and the paladins of old. It definitely gives me a lot to think about.

[veliseraptor]

the endgame reaction post

I know you’ve all been waiting for it. It’s 3:30 am right now so this may not be totally coherent and I’m almost certainly going to forget things, but here goes.

HERE BE SPOILERS. LIKE, PLENTY O SPOILERS.

I went into this movie with one main question and that was “is Marvel going to stick the landing on what they did in Infinity War?” my answer?

sort of. I...didn’t dislike it? I liked parts of it a lot. but mostly my reaction, frustratingly enough, is kind of a “shrug, with a few ‘into it’ and a handful of ‘oh no thanks.’ I cried a couple different times but overall my emotional response is very...muted. 

this could be a function of my being depressed right now, but I also think it’s because this movie...just didn’t hit the right notes, for me. it did a lot of things right, technically, and it had a lot of character moments, but it felt...I don’t know, something indefinable was missing for me. 

I’m going to try to unpack that later, but let’s break things down a little.

the good

NEBULA, oh my god, Nebula in this movie was fantastic. her moments with her younger self (I’m always going to be here for older/younger self confrontations with characters with her specific brand of issues) especially, but also...in general, I felt like this movie did very well by her. and ohhhh god “you can change” “he won’t let me” my feelings. 

i’m gay for Carol’s new hair and that’s that.

WAS THAT A FUCKING FLYING HORSE? WHERE DID VAL GET A FLYING HORSE. IS THERE A FLYING HORSE FARM IN NEW ASGARD

Thor and Frigga’s conversation. I...did not like almost anything else having to do with Thor in this movie (more on that later, and I know everyone and their mother has already written about this), but that conversation was...so lovely, and I’m glad Frigga got that after her fridging in The Dark World, and the “I was raised by witches” line obscurely delighted me.

this is the SECOND time we’ve seen Loki transforming into Steve onscreen and I’m just saying that Loki being obsessed with Steve? #confirmed

also, Loki taking advantage of chaos to bolt with the Tesseract is golden and while it is seriously unclear what happened to the timelines altered by intervention (more on this later too) I’m going to assume that this means there is at least one Loki out there having the time of his goddamn life

more on this later, but there were some great Natasha moments in this movie as far as character work, and I am still very into her “five years later” hair. also lots of good Clint and Natasha stuff like we haven’t seen since the first Avengers movie, so that was nice. (the arrow necklace!!)

while I have caveats about it, the ending they gave Steve was pretty much what I was expecting and the best I could hope for, so I think that’s a solid “good”

I have absolutely no caveats about Steve giving Sam the shield, and everything about that scene passing it on was delightful, and Steve and Peggy dancing made me cry, so there’s that. 

STEVE’S WORTHY CAUSE OF COURSE HE IS

the whole concept of a time heist is super neat.

SO WE ALL SAW THAT A-FORCE TEAM SHOT, RIGHT? THAT’S SETTING US UP FOR AN A-FORCE TEAM, RIGHT?

wanda fucking wrecking thanos yes girl

the bad

the big obvious one first: the stuff with Thor. as a whole bunch of people have explained: it’s not the weight gain, it’s how his character change after the five year jump is treated. it’s the fact that roughly 75% of the character beats for him in this movie are weighted for humor, that even the emotional moment with Frigga is undermined by the “eat a salad” line, that while he gets moments with his grief they tend to be undercut for a laugh. 

also the fact that he...doesn’t get anything back? I mean, while it’s true of Bruce to a certain extent, and obviously Natasha, Thor really doesn’t have any of his losses ameliorated. Tony gets Peter back, Steve gets his life with Peggy, and Thor...? I just...it feels like his character arc in this movie wasn’t, and I’m severely uncomfortable with how much of a fatphobic undercurrent (overcurrent?) it felt like there was in his scenes.

and while I love the idea of Queen Valkyrie, it doesn’t really feel earned, and feels like it shackles her to a role where she doesn’t really fit.

the final battle felt...tacked on. it felt like there was a feeling that “oh, we need an epic battle where there’s a whole army on both sides” and I...didn’t need that? it felt like a Lord of the Rings battle in my superhero movie and something about it felt very...mmm weird. I mean, I’m almost never one for Big Final Battles With Armies (with the major exception of the ones in Lord of the Rings) and it didn’t work for me here. 

though I did enjoy “keep away with the Infinity Gauntlet”, that was a fun game.

Gamora and Nebula should have been given the chance to face Thanos again together at the very least, and preferably strike the killing blow. The fact that that was given to Tony...annoys me. I mean, I can see why they did it - they needed him to have a big hero moment for his big hero sacrifice, and it was emotionally effective (I assume, if you weren’t me), but...that victory should have belonged more principally to those two, and I’m disappointed that it didn’t.

so I guess all that “foreshadowing” in Loki’s death scene was...nothing? that was just...what it looked like? I mean okay I’m not surprised but I am disappointed

the ugly

SOMEONE DATE THOSE CARS IN THE END SCENE WITH STEVE AND PEGGY, HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK, so, like, is that an alternate timeline? did Steve live a seriously down low undercover life with Peggy and that’s why it never came up that oh yeah, she was married to someone who looked exactly like Steve Rogers? how does this fit in with the Winter Soldier!Peggy? I DON’T UNDERSTAND.

basically this movie did the time travel stuff but didn’t really think all of the time travel stuff through as much as it needed to, imo. time travel plots are hard, and messy, and very quickly get confusing, and this was definitely one where they were doing some “don’t look too close!” prestidigitation to keep the holes from showing.

but I’m thinking about it and the holes are showing and I want to know how this works, are the Disney+ shows going to be alternate timelines? I assume because Vision’s going to be in one? and if Sam’s still Falcon then he’s probably not Cap in that one? BUT I DON’T KNOW it’s all very confusing.

Natasha...Natasha. I was spoiled for her dying, though I didn’t know the circumstances, and I...gah. I wrote in my notes on my phone “I wanted Clintasha BUT NOT LIKE THAT” and that’s...kind of how I feel about it? I honestly thought she was safe, is the thing. of all the characters I was worried about, she wasn’t one of them. but in retrospect...I really should’ve been. if they’re trying to shuffle the original six out of the line up then...but I felt like “surely they won’t kill their only original female Avenger, surely the optics of that...” but no, nope.

and while she wasn’t fridged per se it did feel like a lot of the energy of her death went toward providing five male characters with angst, which... [squints]

...and now I’m thinking more and if it’s been five years then all of Peter’s friends should have graduated high school. or were they not going to high school? was school suspended for five years because of the apocalypse? are we going to get fallout from this in Far From Home? 

I’M TELLING YOU THERE IS SO MUCH HERE THAT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE maybe it will moving forward but...I really don’t get how they’re going to sustain this five year jump forward timeline...

GUESS WE’LL FIND OUT

basically I think what I’m coming out of this movie with is “end of an era and that makes me emotional, also there is some stuff here I like but mostly....eh” and honestly I think I’m okay with that being where I land. 

I said last year that I was going to hold off on my final verdict for Infinity War until I saw Endgame, because it seemed like they were, whatever they’d said, setting up a two movie arc. I thought there was some possibility that what they did in this movie might “save” Infinity War for me, or make me think it was worth it. 

part of the reason I don’t feel like I can say Marvel did really stick the landing here is because it didn’t. they stuck a landing. they had, like I said, a lot of the pieces in the right place. 

but I’m still feeling vaguely dissatisfied. 

[thecreaturecodex]

Rakshasa, Niúshen

Image © Baishi Jinglun, accessed at his site here

[“There is a celestial god here whose form resembles an ox with eight feet, two heads and a horse’s tail. He makes a buzzing sound like a beetle. If seen by people, he is an omen of war in the town.”

This entity is one of many unnamed “shen”, or gods/spirits. My name is a neologism, from niú for ox. I made it a rakshasa because of the bestial and war-like nature.]

Rakshasa, Niúshen This mighty creature has a humanoid torso growing from the body of an ox—it stands on four hoofed legs and has hooves on all four of its arms. It has two bovine heads, each with sharp, curving horns.

Niúshen are rakshasas of war, creatures who are devoted to violence and bloodshed. They are adept at manipulating pawns into going to war with each other, stoking conflicts in the guise of mortals. Niúshen are especially fond of dividing people against each other based on small differences. Civil wars are their favorite wars, and a niúshen will move on once a nation has torn itself apart. Unlike many rakshasas, they are capable of assuming the form of a giant, which gives them access to powerful minions—and powerful rivals, in the form of the oni.

A niúshen prefers to fight with allies, supporting them with its spells. They can imbue their enemies and allies alike with a powerful rage—they prefer to use this ability in the heat of battle, to disrupt the tactics of enemy spellcasters. A niúshen does enjoy fighting in melee, but will usually spend a few rounds wearing down foes at a distance before tearing into them with hooves and horns. Although a niúshen will gladly sacrifice dozens of minions to win a fight, they rarely will die for their own cause, preferring to flee and fight another day.

A niúshen stands ten feet tall in their natural form. Most of them are bovine, but some have the features of elephants, rhinos or other animals renowned for their strength and size.

Niúshen               CR 17 XP 104,200 LE Large outsider (native, rakshasa, shapechanger) Init +8; Senses darkvision 60 ft., Perception +26 Defense AC 30, touch 14, flat-footed 25 (-1 size, +4 Dex, +1 dodge, +16 natural) hp 275 (19d10+171) Fort +16, Ref +15, Will +15 DR 15/good and piercing; SR 32 Offense Speed 40 ft. Melee 2 gores +25 (1d8+7/19-20), 4 slams +25 (1d6+7) Space 10 ft.; Reach 5 ft. Special Attacks detect thoughts (DC 24), incite violence, rend (2 gores, 1d8+10), trample (DC 25, 2d6+10) Spells CL 14th, concentration +20 (+24 casting defensively) 7th (3/day)—summon monster VII 6th (6/day)—disintegrate (DC 22), mass bull’s strength 5th (7/day)—animal growth, cone of cold (DC 21), hold monster (DC 22) 4th (7/day)—charm monster (DC 21), crushing despair (DC 21), fire shield (DC 20), scrying (DC 20) 3rd (7/day)—fireball (DC 19), fly, haste, suggestion (DC 20) 2nd (8/day)—blur, mirror image, resist energy, scorching ray, see invisibility 1st (8/day)—charm person (DC 18), mage armor, magic missile, shield, true strike 0th—acid splash, arcane mark, detect magic, light, mage hand, message, prestidigitation, resistance, touch of fatigue (DC 16) Statistics Str 25, Dex 19, Con 28, Int 20, Wis 18, Cha 23 Base Atk +19; CMB +27; CMD 42 Feats Arcane Strike, Combat Casting, Dodge, Great Fortitude, Improved Critical (gore), Improved Initiative, Maximize Spell, Power Attack, Quicken Spell, Spell Focus (enchantment) Skills Acrobatics +23 (+27 when jumping), Bluff +28, Diplomacy +28, Handle Animal +25, Intimidate +28, Knowledge (local) +24, Knowledge (nature) +27, Perception +26, Sense Motive +26, Spellcraft +27, Use Magic Device +25 Languages Common, Giant, Infernal SQ change shape (Medium or Large humanoid, alter self or giant shape I) Ecology Environment any hills or mountains Organization solitary or warband (1 plus 2-10 other rakshasas) Treasure standard Special Abilities Incite Violence (Su) As a standard action once per day, a niushen can fill all living creatures within 30 feet with a terrible rage. Creatures so affected gain a +4 morale bonus to Strength and Constitution, gain a +2 on all Will saves, take a -2 penalty to AC, cannot cast spells or use any ability that requires patience or concentration, and cannot use any Charisma, Dexterity or Intelligence based skills (except for Acrobatics, Fly, Intimidate or Ride). An unwilling creature can resist this ability with a DC 24 Will save. This does not stack with barbarian rage or other similar abilities. A creature so affected rages for 1 minute, and is fatigued for 2 minutes when the rage ends. This is a mind-influencing emotion effect, and the save DC is Charisma based. Spells A niushen can cast spells as a 14th level sorcerer. It does not gain any other class abilities of a sorcerer, such as bloodline spells.