#my heart hurts whenever I think about it

[schneesisterss]

oh btw I miss pyrrha nikos…

[pup-pee]

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i havnt drawn in a little

[spotaus]

Thinking about Orchid and her connection to my take on Gender (because this was meant to be about her and the Crew but it just devolved into a character analysis kinda??? More trauma-dumping maybe???) This is very much an oc/personal rant so feel free to ignore it 🫡

So, Orchid started off as a character I didn't really think much of (hear me out this is going to be relevant) because I wanted to add a 'girl' character but didn't know what to *do* with her, y'know? She was always going to be the strongest one there, she had the odds stacked in her favor with her parents. She was always going to be the gloomy side-character to match Reset's energy. But I think she's gone through every stage of Generic Woman I could possibly find.

At first she was angry and abrasive (think Fell!Sans) where every other word was a curse and she was likely to throw the first punch then laugh as she kicks her enemy while they're down. This was when Reset was a cartoonishly self-centered villain whose goal was simply to prove others wrong. Then Orchid became a sort of sisterly figure. This was short-lived, but she was the one comforting people who Reset would torment, but would ultimately follow his orders, because at this point he was actually a danger and sadistic. And then there was the phase where the story mellowed out and she became the token Goth Girl who, yes she was strong, but was heavy on the 'whatever' energy. Then there was her Era of deep self-loathing and anxiety about her worth that held her back and made her a much more timid and meek character who would only lash out on occasion.

Now, Orchid is the best of those iterations I've written yet. She's calm, level-headed, and a natural leader. Her father raised those traits into her. But she's very reactive, and can be silly, and when she's comfortable it's likely that air of importance transforms into something more comfortable and familiar. She laughs loudly and grins wide, she likes loud video-games but loves to read in the quiet. She's extremely disciplined, and normally no one can get through her tough exterior besides her best friend, Reset. She does what she does for her own enjoyment, sure, but she's thought of every angle and makes her choice to help Reset and control the others with her whole chest. She still worries she won't live up to her invisible expectations, and that and her loyalty are her two driving forces.

I know that Orchid is important to me because she's the longest-running female oc I've had. I have a rough relationship with womanhood/girlhood and I know looking back that Orchid recieved every ounce of my distaste for being a woman that I could shovel into her. That never made her less of a character, she was actually always one of my favorites, and rarely was she a 'punching bag oc'. I just... projected onto her a lot. And she's a good sign of how I've learned who I am. I've decided that my own femininity is something I could live without. I'd rather not associate myself with it, and I'd like to leave it in my past, focusing on a future where I'm not tied down with any gender roles or expectations. That won't happen, but I've come to terms with it myself. Orchid though? I figured out through her that I don't have to hate women characters. My own distaste for my circumstances doesn't mean I have to push it onto my characters (on God I've never expressed anything rude to actual people, that'd be rude as hell and uncalled for, but I have a bad habit of disliking fictional women in media). So, Orchid is a well-roubded character finally. She has motivations abd goals and a *lot* more depth than I ever expected her to. She's happy with being a woman, she's content. She's not treated differently for it in unfair ways by those she cares about, so she doesn't mind it. She likes to wear pretty outfits and lets Reset add bows to her ribbons. She doesn't let being a woman hold her back in the slightest.

So, yeah. Orchid is one of my babies. If I ever leave this Fandom behind for good, she's one that's coming with (Ichor, Orchid, and Pretender all have human designs I can use elsewhere lol-) but in the meantime I'll just rotate her around in my brain for a while longer.

If I'm right, she's been with me for nearly 5-6 years and I went through a *lot* with her as an outlet. So, she's kinda just like an old stuffed animal. A lil ripped, matted fur, maybe a stain or two, but there's a story there and that makes it important beyond belief.

[guujikaroko]

This is partly my severe Danstelle brainrot speaking, but isn't it kind of amazing how close the Trailblazer and Dan Heng are nowadays?

Like, I don't think anyone doubted that Dan Heng cared for the Express crew before the Luofu Trailblazing Mission, it's just that he kept distance on account of his fears and doubts regarding his identity. Now that everything is out in the open and the crew accepted him regardless, though, he's been so much more open in his relationship with the Trailblazer, as with the rest of the crew. I can list the moments and little things that gave me pause:

- Dan Heng is now so adamant in his position as an Astral Express Nameless now. It's his home and his family, he's not a lost drifter anymore and he makes sure everyone knows it;

- He's so unbelievably open about his life! He's not afraid to talk about even the worst things, like his nightmares or his time imprisoned or Dan Feng's memories in his head. More than that, he wants to share!

- He wanted the Trailblazer to accompany him as he cut ties with the Vidyadhara and secured a more stable position for Bailu as the High Elder... So important and he wanted them there! He trusts them to be by his side.

- Overall, the conversations between them feel more natural and meaningful even if it's just over text. They relate to each other's circumstances, wish each other well... There's also Dan Heng guessing the Trailblazer's food preferences and being proud (?) that he guessed right. Cute.

This all kinda irks me, though. Why can't I have what they have? I look at Dan Heng's messages and I think "It should have been me" every time, it's getting tiring.

[skylarbee]

(09.02.2024, London, Electric Ballroom)

[mikesgaylittlethoughts]

thinking about how conflicted mike must be feeling all of the time between s3 and s4 makes me panic and it ain't even my life

thinking of him joining hellfire because deep down he wants to feel close to will again so badly, but he's too scared of his feelings and of accepting himself to actually act upon them when he has the chance. he doesn't know what to do, his feelings are so terrifying to him and he's ending up hurting himself and everyone he loves in his repression and evasion. on top of everything already going on, imagine how guilty he must feel for hurting both el and will. he's blocking everything out in the hopes of making everyone as happy as he can, trying to pretend to be in a normal, happy relationship with el even though he can't give her what she needs and vice versa, but he can't keep that up while also having a normal relationship with will because of how he feels for him, but he also can't accept those feeling for so many reasons like the fear of breaking el's heart, fear of being rejected, being shunned by his friends and his parents are conservatives and and and holy MOTHER OF CHRIST it's just... so much. it's too fucking much for one teenager to deal with alone and i haven't even touched upon everything. mike wheeler they could never make me hate you please let him be happy next season

[saturnniidae]

Is this a safe space to admit I fucking hate Hiccup's rtte model.

I don't like how red kind of takes over his color palette (imo it's better as an accent color for him) and also. He's so fucking ugly??? Not in a 'im whining bc I don't think he's attractive enough' way, in a 'my god why tf is he so pasty and his lips are weirdly pink?? His freckles are gone and he's generally unpleasant to look at' way.

[cream-and-tea]

[ID in alt]

pallas + giftgiving ❤️

[moe-broey]

What if I told you this is only half of ehat I drew today. My Oops! All Ratatoskr pile. My hand hurds so bad

(for reference: All of these are concepts/to get a feel for dynamics and how I wanna draw her!!! Esp that doodle dump at the end!)

[ronansslynch]

no cuz they rlly put jesse pinkman in a HOLE in the GROUND and those n*zi fucks YELLED at him and TORTURED (!!) and ENSLAVED (!!) him after he’d already been through hell and back like ????? the writers were genuinely so sick and twisted for that 😭

[youremyonlyhope]

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

[thedevotionaltour]

thinking about daredevil yellow again im not. going to make it Guys.

[airenyah]

so i just set bad buddy on mydramalist from 9.5 to 10 stars and with that bad buddy is now above theory of love

this is relevant because up until now theory of love was the only drama with a 10/10 rating on my completed-list. and i couldn't get myself to put bad buddy at 10/10 since due to the alphabetical order theory of love would have gotten pushed down to no. 2

but now i finally could

i think it's safe to say that i'm finally. truly. well over my very own personal irl-khai

[nocherryblood]

May I add: living with chronic anything.

Sometimes people with chronic conditions do everything they can to avoid making symptoms worse, or to manage their existing pain. Creams, meds, long medical treatments, etc. Sometimes it's long and monotonous, and people are still in pain afterwards. Sometimes it's more manageable.

Sometimes, people with chronic conditions might not want to do that. Sometimes they just want to carry on as they are. Maybe it's health risks, or monetary reasons, or it's just not worth it. Sometimes people just don't want to do it, full stop.

Chronic conditions are chronic for one reason: even if they come and go in bouts, even if they're "not that bad"... they don't go away. Sometimes they remain forever, sometimes they may go away. But either way, you will have them for a significant portion of time.

Some people have cures and medicine that helps them to live as uninterrupted as possible, some don't- whether it's access to funds to get it, or because there literally just isn't something like that out there in the world, or maybe it's too risky. Sometimes you can be cured of one thing and it causes another, or it can come back, or, even if your main symptoms are gone, you may be left permanently affected by what the condition did to your body.

Some people have low pain or needs- this doesn't mean they're "overreacting" or "being too dramatic". Pain, even on a low scale, can be absolutely debilitating over a prolonged period of time. Sometimes, medical specialists can get very temperamental over this- personally, my conditions always get missed on 95% tests even if the markers to indicate I have them are there, so the specialists are very reluctant to give me help at first because they don't understand how much my pain affects my life until I prove to them that that help supports me to try to carry on as best as possible. This meme pretty much sums it up (for those who are confused, π, or, pi, is a number that never ends- the calculation for it has been going on for hundreds upon hundreds of years and we're still nowhere near the end seemingly):

On the other hand, some people experience extremely high pain levels and/or are severely affected by their chronic conditions, so much so that it limits them from doing a majority, if not all, of their daily life activities. Some can manage with a carer or assistant, some cannot. That doesn't make them "useless" or "unworthy" or "lazy". They are valuable as all humans are to each other, no matter whether or not they can work "like everyone else" to fulfill that cruel, uncaring, devaluing shitshow of modern expectations of an adult or not. Human decency and care for each other shouldn't ever be associated in the slightest with output or ability.

Sometimes, people's conditions are "intrusive" and/or affect other people's lives (e.g. family becoming carers or assistants, needing more support, being unable to control impulses or body functions) and whilst, yes, sometimes they can take effort to deal with by people on the outside, the person themselves is not incontrol of their condition and complaining 24/7 about it to them will just make them feel like crap. Contrary to popular belief, many people with chronic conditions are actually extremely aware of the effect of their condition on themselves and especially others, and are constantly overcompensating for it and putting so much effort into dampening it down just to make it more "palatable" for others. You don't need to tell them what they already know- if something's really affecting you, maybe come up with a realistic way to help before you ream off about how much something they're having to deal with is annoying you.

Please, don't expect someone to move mountains if you're not going to give them the rope.

And the final point I'm going to make is... please, for the love of your own compassion, sometimes there are people who are tired of having to constantly have to avoid triggers or irritants (e.g. with skin conditions), and want to allow themselves some semblance of being able to live like fully non-chronically affected (i.e. not living with a chronic condition) people for a while.

Concern is a lovely thing to have, but sometimes, people just want to have a bit of a break, y'know? I understand if there's concern about someone continually, severely harming themselves with their actions (i.e. eating an allergen they're highly allergic to, or something that could seriously harm them long-term)- of course, speak to them or try to empathise with them and then bring up your concerns, or come up with something alternative for them.

But if it's a short-term thing? Just let me have this one thing, please- my mental health needs it too. Don't judge me for wanting to have one long night out even if I'm chronically exhausted or easily get overwhelmed. Don't judge me if I have chronic skin conditions but want to have one nice perfume or pretty bath even though I'll be barely able to tolerate clothes in the morning. Don't tell someone they're dumb because they want to take a walk even if they may not be able to keep moving for long. I, and they, can regulate ourselves- we know the risk vs. the reward and sometimes you just want to do "normal" things for once.

Just... please. We're not defined by our conditions, but it doesn't mean we're not constantly affected by them too. They're a part of us, they're not always a welcome part of us, but they're there and we have to deal with them. Just please don't forget: just because we seem happy or fine, doesn't mean we can't be in pain.

when u go to write a mentally ill person in ur story you are presented two options. the first option is to write your mental illness realistically as you actually experience it with all the ups and downs and people who are like you will resonate with it and feel seen. except every person who reads instagram infographics on mental health that uses the phrase narcicisst for anyone who does anything that crosses them and unironically call themself a dark empath will call you scary and tell you that youre demonizing mentally ill people

the second option is to lie and write inspiration porn for those people to get hard to

[starlooove]

Uhm not to be a conspiracy theorist but a lot of this black ppl tryna reclaim democracy and the American flags and what it means to be a good ol murcian feels like a set up to manufacture consent for the shit they’re allowing Israel to get away with and the shit they’ll continue to back as tensions rise

[imgonnagetyoubacktv]

dni.