#my head hurts. also i had covid this week so i watched a lot of house

[burningcrab]

call me dr house in season 2 episode 12 of house md the way i be profen these migraines cannot be prevented with medication

[morganbritton132]

I read ‘zoomies with the kids.’ and assumed it was one of the boys running around the house with the fur babies lol. I see it being Steve and Eddie watching on found but annoyed because Steve is zooming in socks on the hardwood floors and head injuries…

Can I just say how happy this series makes me? I love these two and the world you’ve made for all of the party; your posts always brighten my day. Thank you for sharing them and for letting Eddie and Steve survive and be happy <333

First, I just wanna say thank you for the kind words! I think this little world is a group effort and I really appreciate everybody that throws their ideas into the ring and allows me to build upon them. It’s truly been the best even if I’m a lot slower at getting to them than I used to be.

No one considers how hard quarantine was on pets.

Some people have dogs that are trained to be around people and it’s weird for that to suddenly stop. Suddenly they aren’t going to school anymore or to the grocery store. Steve’s not doing trivia night or taking classes at the community center. They’re just home all the time now and Eddie is always with Steve so Ozzy just… doesn’t really have anything to do.

Not needing to be as vigilant as he is when Steve is more active, Ozzy’s left with an excess of energy and it makes him antsy. Much like his owners, he’s bored.

Joan gets stressed out if Steve is home when he’s not supposed to be because that usually means that there’s something wrong with him. The only time he’s ever been off work for more than a couple days at this time of year was when a medication switch caused cluster seizures. It takes a bit of time for her to get used to him being there.

The solution: They go on walks.

It calms Joan if Steve leaves the house for a bit and it helps Ozzy burn off some of that unused energy, and it also helps Steve who would otherwise be doomscrolling Facebook and thinking about Lucas at the hospital. He already had a semi-regular walking schedule for Ozzy a couple days a week but once COVID hit, they started walking daily.

Unless it rained. Eddie hates when it rains because…

Eddie looks visibly distracted during a zoom interview with the band. You can literally see him tracking something beyond the camera with his eyes because Steve is chasing their pets through the house, and they keep running by the room he is in.

Eddie finishes up what he was saying and then hits mute before shouting, “Stop running!”

Steve literally slides into the room on his socked feet, having to hold onto the doorframe when he lists too far over in one direction. He’s breathy and smiling when he asks, “Your interview over?”

“I’m muted,” Eddie says. “Stop with the zoomies before one of you get hurt because we can’t go to the hospital….Or, at least, take off your socks.”

“Why? So you can look my feet?” Steve asks, scrunching his face up with mock disgust. “Freak.”

Eddie can’t even formulate a response to that before Gareth’s voice is coming out loud and clear from his speakers, “Dude, you did not hit mute.”

“Shi-oot,” Eddie swore, looking away from Steve for just a second. He’s gone when he looks back up, already running back down the hall to play with the animals. He just shakes his head and asks, “We’ll cut this out, right?”

The interviewer asks if he has a roommate and Eddie is in the middle of trying to figure out what the funnier answer to that question is when he hears a loud crash. He nearly blows Gareth’s eardrum out with how loudly he shouts, “Did you fall?”

When this part is inevitably kept in the interview, you can hear faintly over Eddie’s mic, “I’m good!”

[winterfergerart]

So I'm gonna make a personal kind of post here. TW for death in the family and my own post-covid symptoms.

Last year my grandfather died. He was the man who raised me, so he was more like a father than a grandfather. As he was getting close to death I was asking my family if there was going to be an inheritance which, I specifically said at the time, I need to know so that I can know what to do about my SSI disability and plan ahead.

People just said I'd get a 'tidy sum' or 'deferred comp' at best. No steady numbers. So without knowing what I'd be getting I had no way to prepare. I think they just thought I was being greedy and wanted to know selfishly. Not that I needed regular medical coverage.

He died without having said anything about being proud of me, but the family found a box of all my pictures growing up in his closet. Other people too, but mostly me, and I didn't know what to do with that because he never really said that he was proud of me or anything.

Because of that his death hit me really hard. Like, the entire span of his slow decline, from the year before to the day he died, I kind of withdrew from a bunch of my friends. Years ago someone put it in my head that wanting help when you're troubled is manipulative so I took it to heart. I pulled away from a bunch of people that made me happy because I didn't want to stress them out with my problems. I pulled back from my hobbies 'cause I didn't trust myself to engage anymore. I was hurting too much.

After he passed, other than a few people, I was all alone.

I received notification concerning my inheritance in December and I filled out the paperwork in early January, specifically requesting that I be given some time to prepare before receiving payments. They didn't listen. So I had to get off SSI, lost my insurance, had to loosely plan to buy some. It's not a lot of money, but it is too much to recieve public assistance.

But I thought, maybe I can do something that makes me less dependent on the government now. I can get married. Maybe I can go back to school. Maybe I can start a small jewelry and miniatures business. Maybe I can invest. Maybe I can start volunteering at domestic violence shelters.

Then two months ago, I caught Covid for the first time in 4 years.

The S.O.? Oh he was fine. It seemed like a bad cold. But me, first it was the fever, and then my lungs deteriorated for two weeks. Doctor round one? "It's a Covid cough, it's expected." Doctor round two? "Yeah, Covid cough can go on for a while. Here's sudafed and cough pills."

It took my blood oxygen to drop into dangerous levels (90%) for anyone to take me seriously. And despite that doctor trying so hard and giving me great meds, I just had a massive relapse and today I'm struggling to breathe again. I'm sitting here crying and coughing up chunks of god knows what. All this being paid out of pocket, because I don't have insurance and no one listened to me. About the inheritance, about the deferred comp, about the insurance, about how badly my lungs were doing post-Covid.

I had been exercising every single day for two years. I was actually starting to lose weight. I was so proud of myself. Now that's all been set back. I was gonna get married. But SSI is holding me in this sort of limbo where I'm not covered but I'm also not free.

I miss my support system. I've loosely tried to reach out but I've not been very good at it because I always sucked at social anyway. I'm sorry that I threw it away while it felt like I could only radiate badness and loss. If any of you are still out there I miss you and I'm sorry I abandoned you. I thought I was doing us both favors and we'd be better off without each other. So I'm throwing it out there that either I'd love to hear from you again, if you're still watching this account, or please just know I'm sorry I let you down.

PS. I don't want money. I just want to see a bright spot again when every time I get ahead I get knocked back.

[colesabi]

hey, hey, sabi >:3 any AU or idea for fic snippets that you'd be willing to share? >:333

also! hope you recover quickly :(( covid sucks ass >:(

Sure!! I was gonna give you another snippet of Ch. 4 but I don’t have much there so I’ll give you a longer one that’s been in my WIPs for a while. It needs some reworking but it’s the ‘Games’ prompt for The After. Thank you for the well wishes. Hoping for actual sleep today but I’m wired.

…

Chris pulls a card from the deck, looking down at it before his gaze slides to Leon, the intent of the look mischievous. “I think we did this last week…”

“Ugh!” Claire grimaces, “I do NOT need to know about what you and Leon do in your free time.”

Chris laughs. One of those loud, boisterous ones Leon’s become so accustomed too as the man settles down and eyes his little sister teasingly, “you should have asked before you decided to sit in that chair then…”

Claire looks utterly disgusted as she bolts up from the armchair’s confines, her head swiveling between the leather cushion and Chris’ face as she stammers, “but it’s the most comfortable one!”

“Exactly.” He says automatically, a grin plastered on his face. 

Claire visibly gags, her eyes looking over the other offerings in the living room. “Is there no place safe to sit? Is the coffee table tainted too?!?”

Leon watches her stare at Chris, arms crossed as he purposefully remains silent. Then he contorts his facial muscles in a look that conveys ‘yikes’ before turning his gaze to Leon. 

“Claire, he’s just messing with you.” Leon says, hearing her clear display of disgust echo at her brother’s reaction, “the coffee table is fine.”

She doesn’t seem convinced, narrowing her eyes as she responds. “That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Would it make you feel better if I knew something that you and Jill do?”

Claire looks just about ready to vomit, giving Chris an incredulous look. “God, no!” She yells, diverting her gaze to look at the entryway. Leon is sure she’s hoping and praying that the others walk in soon so she can be spared her brother’s teasing. 

Chris just laughs again, tucking the card back into the deck before he offers nonchalantly, “then you shouldn’t have brought this game for game night.”

Claire huffs, pouting. “It wasn’t my idea…”

Leon watches her loiter near the other armchair, looking down at it warily as she glances back at Chris, her index pointed down towards the cushion, “this one safe?”

Chris scrunches up his face, dropping the deck of cards on the table before flattening out a hand and toggling it back and forth in the air. Claire releases an exasperated sigh, long and drawn out and Leon can’t help but sympathize. 

He slaps the back of his hand against Chris’ bicep, the man coiling in on himself in mocked hurt as he interjects, “knock it off Chris. Claire, we have never had sex in that chair.”

“OH MY GOD!” she screams, turning on her heels and stomping off towards the kitchen. She briefly clamps her palms over her ears before she reaches the fridge, yanking it open to grab a soda from its confines. 

“You two are impossible!” She yells from behind the island and they both fall into a fit of giggles. Chris’ laugh settles long enough to ask, “do you think it’s weird that Jill invited Carlos?”

“That was decades ago Chris… a lot has changed since then.” 

[slinket]

The Aftermath

Chapter 3

I hate this chapter. I just wasn't feeling it at all. Might be that I am currently covid positive, but I was like, I need to put something out.

A03 Link

Previous Chapter

Chapter 3

—Sebastian—

Sebastian could feel the anger rising within him.  ‘They spent a week together?  What the hell?  When?’  It dawned on him that Ominis had left Feldcroft for a week to visit with a cousin.  Seb knew how weird the family was, so he didn't ask for details, concerned he would have to hear about Ominis being forced to marry and breed with said cousin.  ‘Why were they together? What had they done?  It's only been a matter of time until Threnody and I get together.  We just haven’t yet because he is always around.   And what the hell could have possibly happened during a class?’  Sebastian was breathing harder, and moved his body closer to the opening of the stairs, he needed to hear every detail.  He felt his blood boil at Ominis’ next words.

“Do you regret kissing me?”

“No, of course I don't”  Threnody’s voice had become a whisper.

“I don’t know if I could have stopped if we hadn’t been interrupted.”  The husky tone of Ominis’s words hit Sebastian like a ton of bricks.  “Would you have wanted me to stop?”

Sebastian felt nauseous hearing Ominis ask Threnody these questions.  ‘Yes, say yes Threnody. You don’t want him.’

“Stop?  Ominis, I still think about how stupid I was for not locking the door.  No, I didn’t want you to stop, I wanted everything with you.”

‘This is a nightmare, it has to be, They wouldn’t have betrayed me like this.  Now I’m going to lose my two best friends because they want to fuck around?  Nah, I don’t think so.’’  Sebastian pleaded in his mind for the knowledge of Threnody and Ominis being intimate with each other to be false.  He heard them shifting around, and was hoping Threnody was moving away from Ominis.  An image flashed in his mind of she and Ominis laying as they were, sans clothing, shifting her hips back and forth.  He was making himself sick.

“Wanted?”

“Want, Ominis, still want, but I…I just don’t think we can.”

“Why?”

“Because we don’t know how he…”

“No, I will not let him dictate our lives.  Renny…”

Sebastian watched as Threnody lay her head against Ominis.  He could hear her saying something, but was unable to make out the words.  Threnody brought her hands to Ominis’ face and pressed her lips softly to his.  Sebastian was fuming.  His mouth hurt from how hard he had been clenching his teeth.  He knew he couldn’t sit there anymore, so he turned to return up to his dorm.  Throwing himself into bed, needing to look like he had been asleep before Ominis came into the room.  ‘I’ll kill him.  He doesn’t get to have her like that unless I get it too.  Keeping things even Threnody?  Bullshit.  You’ve got a lot to make up for with me then.’  He heard Ominis sneak into the room and move towards the bed.  Sebatian pulled the curtains closed, and spent the night thinking about how he could help end things between the two of them.  Ruin things between Threnody and Ominis before they took things too far.   They didn’t need to end up hating the other, they just needed to not want to be together.  He stared into the dark plotting until sleep took him.

—Threnody—

The next few days passed without incident.  Threnody had spoken to Ominis about keeping their blossoming relationship quiet.  She wanted to let Sebastian know before anyone else, but neither of them knew how to share the news with him.  Both of them worried about how Sebastian would react.

“When you and I started to spend more time with each other, that's also when Sebastian really fell into the dark arts.  I don’t know how he is going to feel when he finds out that you and I..” Threnody tapered off.  

Ominis nodded and cleared his throat.  “He told me later that he felt as though you and I were getting ready to abandon him.  His parents being gone, Anne being sick, the dark arts were the only thing that offered him hope at that point.”

“We can’t tell him, not yet Ominis.”

“I understand why we need to bring this to him slowly, and I can live with that, but I will not let his feelings keep us apart.”

Time continued to pass, and Threnody found it difficult to find any time away from Sebastian.  It was as if he was everywhere.  She and Ominis had not been alone together since the night in the common room, except for History of Magic, and that wasn’t exactly the most romantic place.  They remained sitting in the back of the classroom, quietly holding hands under the table, but doing no more.  While Threnody hadn’t been planning on jumping into bed with Ominis immediately, she certainly thought they could have kissed again.  No such luck.  

Ominis had whispered to her in class one day that he could talk to Sebastian, let him know they both needed a break from him, but Threnody kiboshed that idea.  The guilt she felt over keeping this secret from Sebastian convinced her to just wait this out.  She believed that if Sebastian was this needed, something must be going on, and that it was better both she and Ominis be there to support him.  They would find time alone eventually.

A couple times a week, Threnody and her whole crew of friends had breaks at the same time and would meet for lunch.  She liked these days because with all the chaos of the group eating and talking, it allowed her and Ominis to secretly touch without anyone noticing.  Except for the days that Sebastian would sit between them, which happened more often these days.

This time at lunch, Sebastian sat across from the two, so taking advantage of the situation, Threnody had her hand resting on Ominis’ leg once again separating Threnody and Ominis, but she tried not to focus on it too much.  It was easy to do that day because of Garreth loudly making his way over to the table.  

Flexing as if his friends would be impressed, Garreth announced “Ladies and Gentlemen, you are looking at the newest member of the sex club.”

He was met with silence and darting eyes.  

Imelda was the first to respond. “Aww, did Garreth discover his pee pee for the first time?  Finally learned to touch yourself?”

“What?  No.  I had sex.  With a person.  A female to be exact.”

.  All at once, the questions started flying.  “Who was it?” “Why are you telling us this?” “Congratulations” “Give me the details.”  It was hard to follow who was saying what.

“A gentleman never tells.  It was Addie, and it was great. Well, great as a first time can be, I suppose.”

“Garreth, you just said a gentleman never tells.”  Amit looked at Garreth with annoyance.

“I thought you knew me well enough to know I am no gentleman.”   Garreth moved his eyebrows up and down.  “Now, as president of the club, I am willing to help all of our ladies here join.”

Imelda scoffed.  “Not likely Weasley.  Besides, what makes you think we’re all virgins?  you’ve got ladies man Sallow over there, he’s probably been in the club since 1st year.”

“It was my 6th year, thank you very much, Imelda,”  Sebastian countered.  

“Oh, held yourself back huh?  Anyways, I have not been innocent, but I haven’t done everything yet.  The rest of you, spill.”  Imelda continued.

Threnody was very uncomfortable with the conversation.  Usually, she wouldn’t feel at odds, but now that she was trying to hide a boyfriend, she didn’t want to slip up and share something she shouldn’t.   She followed along the table, Amit saying he was not a member, Poppy surprisingly admitted to having slept with someone.  

Finally the conversation came around to Threnody.  “I have not had sex.  I’ve only kissed.”

“As I guided you through your first kiss, I can also guide you through your first time, Threnody.”  Garreth moved a hand across the table, grabbing her wrist.

“Actually Garreth, you were not my first kiss.”

“What?  Yes I was, it was during that game, remember?”

Imelda interrupted before Threnody could respond.  “Zip it Weasley, Ominis still hasn’t told us his status.”

“And I am not going to answer, unlike Garreth, I do consider myself to be a gentleman, and things like that are private matters.”

“Oh come off it, Ominis. You don’t always have to be so high and mighty.”  Sebastian smirked.  There was a look in his eye that differed from usual.  The simple carefree humor seemed to have a darkness behind it.  “Ominis here lost his virginity this summer.”

“Sebastian!”  Ominis turned to face Sebastian, his face burning with anger.  Threnody’s hand wretched away from Ominis and moved to cover her mouth.   “This summer?  But…Ominis and I...did he sleep with someone after we met up?  We never made anything official then, but still.”

“Ominis, you sly dog, I knew you were a lady killer.”  Leander reached over to pat him on the back.

“Like you have any right to be angry with me Ominis, you’re the one who fucked my sister.”  The words flew from Sebastian’s mouth, causing the whole group to gasp.  Threnody was shocked.  At no point had Ominis ever expressed that he had feelings for Anne.  Certainly none strong enough to warrant sex.  Paranoia started to trickle into Threnody’s mind.   She had spent much of her 5th year under the impression that Anne and Ominis were together, but keeping it quiet due to her illness.  Anne had revealed to Threnody after everything went down that she had been pining for Ominis for some time, even asking how to go about letting him know.  Threnody could only assume now that Anne did have that conversation with Ominis, and clearly he reciprocated, which left her feeling empty and utterly used.  Her mind was working overtime. She looked down at her plate, focusing there to keep herself calm, she didn’t want to display her emotions here, knowing she would have so much to explain. Her romance with Ominis had barely begun and she felt foolish feeling so upset over this information.

His eyebrows dropping as Threnody pulled away, Ominis stood up and pointed his wand at Sebastian.  “That was not your secret to share, Sebastian, and it was a secret for a reason.”  Sebastian scoffed as Ominis stormed away.  Everyone at the table was quiet, not sure how they should be reacting.  

“He needs to get over it.  I’m not going to feel bad because I exposed his secret love affair with my sister.  Not fair to her.  Ominis should have let everyone know that he and Anne are together, now he is acting like he’s ashamed of dating her.”

“He and Anne are dating?  You made it sound as though he had just slept with her.  I’d say it’s pretty normal for people our age to be having sex, at least he’s made a commitment.”  Amit shook his head as he played with the food on his plate.  “Did you consider, Sebastian, that Anne is the one that wanted to keep it a secret?”

Sebastian scoffed as he got up to leave.  Their lunch time had expired, and Threnody sat still at the table while her friends got up to walk away.  She watched Sebastian go with a smile on his face, which seemed odd that he would be happy after upsetting his best friend.  

Poppy remained behind, moving closer to her.  “Threnody, something about that didn’t seem quite right, don’t you agree?  I can understand Ominis not sharing his relationship with Anne with all of us, but for you not to know is odd.  I wonder why he wouldn’t have told you.”

“Heh.  I know exactly why he didn’t tell me.”  Threnody looked up at Poppy, the tears brimming her eyes finally starting to fall.  “He and I…’had a moment’ at my brother's wedding this summer.  He made it seem like he…no, I mean he told me he had feelings for me - so why would, I just don’t understand Poppy.”

Poppy wrapped her arm around Threnody, letting her cry into her shoulder.  “Telling you he had feelings for you would not be an easy thing for him to do, and he is not the type to make something up like that.  Can I ask what happened between you two at the wedding?  Could you have misunderstood him?”

“We snogged, majorly, and then we were laying on the couch and just, I don’t know how I could have read that wrong.  Besides, he just told me again while being back at school.”  She sniffled as she wiped the tears from her cheek.

“No, he wouldn’t do that, especially not to you Ren.  I know he didn’t deny sleeping with Anne, but he was gone by the time Sebastian said they were dating - maybe Sebastian is mistaken.”

“Maybe, I’ll have to track him down and ask him.  Either I’ll end up feeling better, or he will end up with a black eye.”

—Sebastian—

‘That went better than I thought it would.  The look on Ren’s face, oh, she is done with Ominis.  Nothing like your girlfriend finding out you had sex with another woman to ruin things. Ha.’

–Threnody–

Threnody spent the rest of the day mulling around and looking for Ominis.  She wasn’t trying very hard to find him though.  Still afraid of the conversation that they would have.  She had checked the common room, and the Undercroft, with no luck and no idea where else he may have gone.  She only began to worry as the sun was setting.  No one had seen him since lunch.  Her last hope to find him was down at the docks.  He didn’t often go near the water, but she had looked everywhere else.

She let out a sigh when she heard sniffling from around the corner.  She knew it was him.  

“Ominis?”

“I…I don’t know what to say, Ren.  I have nothing to deny.”

She walked over to him and sat down.  Her legs dangling over the edge, tempting whatever lay beneath the surface of the water.

“Was it before or after us?  That’s all I need to know.”

“Before, Oh, you mustn't think I would have been intimate with Anne after I had told you how I felt for you, I would never do that.”

“So….Sebastian said you were dating.  Is that not true?”

“Dating?  Gods no!  I don’t know why he would think that, I have no desire to be with her.”

“Maybe because most people date a person they have sex with.”  Threnody was trying to keep herself calm.  While it was a relief that she hadn't been the ‘other woman,’ the whole thing was still upsetting.

It was silent for a bit, Threnody just watching his face.  He must have been crying, his eyes were red and tired.  It hurt her to know he was hurting.  “How did it happen then?  It’s not like you could have just tripped and slipped inside.”  

Ominis brought his hand up to his face, running it across his forehead and using his hand to slightly hide himself.  “It happened because Anne specifically asked me to have sex with her, and Sebastian encouraged the…copulating.”

Threnody grabbed his hand and pulled it from his face.  When she went to let go, Ominis squeezed her hand, hoping that she wouldn’t pull away.  She kept their hands together.

“Umm.. what?  Sebastian said he and Anne had just started speaking again, how … wow.”

“Mmm, it seems they have been communicating for a while.  She wrote to me early in the summer, letting me know she was coming to visit.  She mentioned wanted to talk to me about something, but didn’t go into detail.

After she arrived and was settled, she pulled me aside to talk to me.  She told me how she had been fairing, she believed herself to be getting worse.  She said she didn’t want to die while still a virgin.  I mean, she mentioned several things she wanted to do, but the one she needed me for was…sex.”

He paused to allow his words to sink in, giving Threnody a chance to speak, should she want.  She kept silent, but ran her finger across his knuckles, encouraging him to continue.

“I said I couldn’t, but she pleaded with me.  She told me to talk to Sebastian about it, and I did.  Apparently she had spoken to him about this, and he agreed; that she would be better off with someone she cared for rather than a stranger.  So, he was pressuring me now as well.  And, I do understand where they were coming from.  The only other male in her life is Sebastian, and he wouldn’t be doing it, so they looked to me,  I agreed.  Reluctantly.  I was very clear with them that while I do love Anne, it is not in a romantic way, and I would be doing this simply as a….well, I said favor, but really, meeting a dying girl's request.   A few nights later, Sebastian went out for the night as she and I…spent the night together.”

He turned to face Threnody, his eyes trying to search for hers.  She moved a hand to cup his cheek and guide him, so that he was looking into her eyes.

“I am sorry I didn’t tell you.  It wasn’t meant to ever be exposed, and it meant nothing to me.  I don’t understand why Sebastian told everyone.”

Threnody leaned forwards and kissed him lightly on the lips.  His eyes were closed when she pulled away.  “You’re not angry with me?”

“No, Ominis, not angry.  Honestly, it's not surprising that you did something so….I guess generous would be the word?  Besides, with both of them asking, I’m sure even I would have agreed to sleep with Anne.”

They laughed softly together for a moment, foreheads pressed together, legs swinging in sync.

“So, out of curiosity…how was it?”  She scrambled to get more words out before he responded.  “I don’t mean details or anything I guess I just, like, was having sex, good?”

“No.  It was awful if I’m to be honest.  Neither of us had any idea of what we were doing, and being blind didn’t help when it came to, ahem…insertion.  I made sure that she orgasmed, I think the whole thing was more about that then actual sex.  But I….I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish, so I, gods forgive me, I faked finishing.”

“You faked it?  Oh lord Ominis!”  She was laughing harder, “I’m not laughing at you, I swear, I just…. what a terrible situation!”  

He started laughing with her.  “No, it’s okay to laugh.  It was incredibly awkward and uncomfortable.  I think it would have been better if she and Sebastian weren’t twins though.”

“Oh, how would that have helped?”

“Well, my knowledge of twins is that they are the same.  Look the same.  I know they can’t be identical as they are different sexes but, still.  I have a picture in my head of what Sebastian looks like, and I couldn't help but ‘see’ his face, but with breasts and a vagina.  It was….I could barely keep myself hard.”

Threnody couldn’t help herself, she rolled onto her back laughing.  “Oh gods Ominis, that is, I am so sorry,”

Ominis leaned over her and brought his lips down.  They first found her shoulder, and then he moved up her neck.  “I’m glad my misery is bringing you so much joy.”  When he was finally able to find her lips, he pressed his against hers, his tongue flicking against her asking her to open for him.  Threnody reached up and took his face in her hands, her fingers running through his hair, letting her tongue move with his.

“Mmmm, well, let's hope the next time you have sex, it's better for you.”  She kept kissing him as she moved back up, before pulling away to stand.

His face tracked her, standing up to move beside her.  “Oh, I think it will be,” he pressed himself against her rear, running his hand over her stomach and pulling her back, making sure she could feel how hard she had made him.  “I do wonder when that next time might happen?”

“Well, you’ll wonder a little longer.”  Threnody laughed once more as they walked together back to the school.

[asherlockstudy]

What are your thoughts on today's EB? I enjoyed every bit of it, it entailed a convo that was a long way coming for Link. I personally thought Rhett tried his utmost not to hurt Link even a little as he attempted to make him see the full picture regarding his social behaviour, it was so sweet and endearing.

I did something stupid. Even though I knew it was an important EB, I did not keep notes like that other time a few weeks ago. Also it was a kind of emotionally charged day for me too so everything’s a little bit of a mess in my head and I am pretty sure I won’t remember everything I was thinking at the time I was watching. It was a lot. This was a checkpoint in their podcast, in many ways.

When the podcast starts and Link is back from his trip, Rhett is still a little off. So even though some days must have passed, there is still something up between them. This is again something clearer on Rhett’s side. He is the one who’s antsy about something and Link responds to that. So, whatever the initial situation was, it was almost certainly Rhett who took an issue with it.

Rhett stings a little: “Don’t feel any obligation to listen to it” (his solo podcast), “You’re too busy for that”, “You know me well enough to not need to listen to me talk without you there”. I am pretty sure Link was joking there, but Rhett was responding more seriously and slightly bitterly. Furthermore that last thing is something I would bet Rhett feels it isn’t mutual; that Rhett can’t easily be absent and not care about what Link might say in his absence. Ironically enough, this eventually becomes the central theme in the podcast.

Then as Rhett explains why he’s taking the next week, he reveals how they barely saw each other in March and April and he is calm but you can see he is pissed about it. Maybe the tension has something to do with this after all. Link is a little defensive there, maybe for the cameras, saying they saw each other plenty, to which Rhett has to bite his tongue and take a sip from his cup. This makes me think that Rhett might consider Link partially responsible for the very little time they had together during these months. But this brought back memories of peak needy!Rhett during the 2020 covid carantine 😅

To reinforce his vibe of neediness, Rhett next blames Link for not persuading him to learn scuba diving earlier, saying it was an awesome experience that they needed to share together. At this point, Link is parts startled and amused, because he is secretly flattered by Rhett’s neediness. Link sort of explains that he just wasn’t used to being the one to take the initiative in their relationship and I sense there was some fear of Rhett rejecting / criticising his suggestions, but also Link almost certainly didn’t enjoy scuba diving as hugely as Rhett, that’s why he undersold it a bit in Rhett’s perception. Link feels that he has invested so much in Rhett, that there is a nasty defensiveness coming out of him in the weirdest of moments. Which is why when he has alternatives, he doesn’t want to show he needs Rhett so badly in order to do something. Rhett responds to that bitterly as well, saying: “Well, I would have begged you. Just saying”. So, you see, different love languages. But Link smiles through it, because of Rhett’s loving whine.

Skipping to the ski pass thing. This is so much more TRIVIAL than anyone made it to be, meaning Rhett and Jenna and Christy. Their reactions were SO dramatic. Okay Link messed up a bit but he had paid for all these passes and he went in with the confidence of the payer, you know. He didn’t think that they would ask all his autobiography for a ski pass. Obviously, the right thing to do was to ask for a change of the data on the pass in advance. Obviously, he should tell the truth from the beginning. But what he thought and it’s understandable was “Oh shit, the card has Michael’s name on. That’s okay, I’ll say his name and she will let me in”. He didn’t expect the age would be on there too and that this would lead to further questions. It was understandable and quite possible to happen. And I do understand his argument about Angie being more abrupt than she should. Clearly, he was there with three other teens following him eagerly, like jeez. And even if I knew she was doing her job, I would too get irritable if I had paid for a shitload of passes that my friends were not utilising and then it was me getting dragged in front of 75 people like a thief or a kidnapper. I am not saying it’s the clever thing to do but it is human and understandable and Jenna and Rhett acting so dramatic about it was excessive in my opinion. I found Christy’s insinuations cruel in this instance too. It was clear that Link didn’t think everybody owed him to pass, he just didn’t think there would be any issue since he was the one paying anyway.

EDIT: At this point I decided to take my time with the ask and rewatch important parts

This simple incident provokes a more serious conversation. However, the conversation actually went sideways. The original topic was how and why Link instinctively chooses to escalate situations without a ground reason for it. However, as Rhett tries to explore it, they accidentally find themselves in deeper waters.

Anyway, Rhett starts analysing how Link never considers how a situation can get out of control in his interaction with people and how everything - even the amount of care you have about what people think of you - should be in moderation. Link is open and thankful for Rhett’s feedback, even though he feels defenceless, and Rhett kind of mellows down. The interesting thing is that this is not the main point concerning either one of them deep inside and you will soon get what I am saying. In his attempt to defend / explain himself, an apologetic speech about how he has learned to rely for everything on Rhett comes out of Link and it is like an indirect apology for not persuading Rhett to scuba dive with him. But this was something that was produced out of many twists and turns and it wasn’t exactly the point of what the conversation was at the moment (escalating situations and expecting someone else will always handle it), so it was more like Link found a small, irrelevant moment out of the blue to apologise to Rhett than anything else.

Rhett sees the green light and goes deeper and explains how Link being himself without filter might sometimes involve him in situations uncalled for. Link grimaces through this and after a deep breath, him trying to collect himself, asks Rhett’s opinion about the incident in the movie theatre. While it is implied the situation escalated somewhat, they did not talk about the escalation but the beginning of the interaction only. Rhett then becomes real and gets closer to the source of his own frustration; he feels like he can’t enjoy himself in a social situation because he has to always monitor Link. Furthermore, an escalation might eventually ruin their night out or also Rhett can often feel swallowed and overshadowed by Link’s so strong come-on entrance.

But was this Rhett’s only problem, especially about the guy in the theatre? The awkwardness? Let’s see some specific parts of their conversation:

Link: You say I try to connect aggressively, that I try to put myself out there.

-

Rhett: And if you want to go to parties by yourself and do whatever you want to and see where the cards fall…. But what I am saying is when you go somewhere with me, or with your wife or with a friend, just so you know, it is the thing they are preoccupied with, is a sense of “okay, is he gonna do something that kind of makes things a little bit awkward for what it feels like his own entertainment?… And maybe it is like a “hey, I am going to… I wanna connect with somebody”… and it’s like-

Link: It IS for my own entertainment.

-

Rhett: I think there is a common root, like “I am gonna say this thing in this situation; I’m not taking my phone out”, is the same, there is a common root to, “I am gonna come into this group and just say something that makes people feel uncomfortable because it’s kind of fun. And you know what, a lot of times it’s actually gonna lead to a stronger connection with somebody….”

Rhett looks quite pointedly at Link.

Link: I just don’t understand why, I mean, in my mind though, talking about my neurosis of me picking out the brand of shoe I am gonna wear to this movie was something that I thought this guy would get a kick out of and he might enjoy meeting me?! (*scoffs*)

Rhett: Yeah but… all I am saying is there is a sort of ribbing.

Am I wrong to believe there might have been another problem bleeding in in Rhett’s complain and Link had picked up on it and it was the one he was actually reacting to? In a rare occasion, Rhett asks Jenna if he’s making any sense and she is slightly confused and it’s because he is saying one main thing but there is also another thing bleeding in, which makes the dialogue a little complicated.

You see, while Rhett doesn’t say anything specifically negative about it, his posture, gestures and expressions have an accusative tone regarding the implication that Link tries to monopolise people’s attention so much that it might lead to a deeper connection later. And while Link listens thoughtfully, this is the one thing he reacts to. He actually said: “Do you really think me starting a joke conversation about my neurotic shoe concerns was me hoping the guy would want to meet up with me later?”

Like, he said that. That’s what he asked. And then Rhett says “No, but there’s a ribbing” before masterfully shifting the conversation.

Rhett was going so deep about this out of a place of wounded ego, if not jealousy. He questions the reasons Link wants strangers’ attention so bad, even if it is in a positive or negative way. He puts the thought out there that maybe there is something else Link wants but if it is so (wounded ego), then at least Link should not go about it when it’s Rhett or his wife escorting him. Then he concedes that it might be superficial, a playfulness, a ribbing, but it still makes Rhett feel like he is not there, like Link wants something else. I am not saying that jealousy was the central topic in this discussion, but it was something that was bleeding in due to Rhett’s frustration and it was the primary thing that Link wanted to clear the air about.

You think I am stretching this? Let’s move forward.

Link at this point makes it clear that he welcomes Rhett’s feedback and stresses many times that “they are on the same side, that there is only one side”. This softens Rhett visibly. However, Link also points out that this conversation could have happened only between the two of them and that it would be “a little different” in private.

Link then explains how he wants to let go in social situations and he somewhat selfishly likes the feeling of having someone look out for him. Rhett describes this as “living with no filter”.

In Link’s exact words: “I think there’s so much of my life that’s like, I think so hard about it that if I can get out of my head and just get into, like, living, then it feels so good because there’s - I am just trying to explain myself. I am not defending myself. And so it helps me think there’s other things to take into account. Like, I have this desire… in a party setting where there is no stake. I feel like there’s no stakes and it’s all just about fun. And whether it’s the critic in my own head or whatever it is, there’s a lot of crunching down. So in the places where I can let loose, I find myself letting loose in a big way because it feels so good”.

So what is he talking about here? So much of his life that he has to think hard about, that it feels great to let loose, to have the illusion that there are no stakes? Is this about their job? Didn’t he previously say they have CEO brains? Is this about family? Is this about private life?

The first time Link breaks is when Rhett reminds him that he loves some people and he sometimes needs to keep that filter on for the sake of these people. While Rhett carefully keeps himself now within the context of social interactions and escalation and aggressive introduction, Link at this point is emotional so he just says:

“I just wanna jump out of the plane, you know?”

Like, WHAT are we talking about now folks? Escalation and chaotic introductions? Is that really what we are talking about??????????????

Rhett does not comment on this phrase but he does describe how Link’s chaoticness (or his desire to jump out of the plane) becomes stronger and stronger each year. He interestingly says that 10 years ago (2012 - 2013, has it been THAT long? 👀) he would never be worried about what Link would say to other people but now he is constantly concerned. The funny thing here is that if memory serves me correctly, Link was always a little strange and bold in his interactions with people. In fact, Rhett was also less skilled and stranger in the past. So, is it Link being weird what concerns Rhett or the nature of Link’s “weirdness”?

Rhett says: “There’s been good growth in a way, like “I am embracing who I am, I am being myself”.

Again, what on earth are we talking about here? “I am embracing who I am, an escalator? A stranger’s teaser?” Is this still the point of the discussion or has the main point gone off the rails?

Rhett then comments that “there is such a commitment on Link’s part for expressing himself without filter”. And he repeats there is a growth but that this growth needs to be managed. Normally, though, when something can be characterised as “growth” then it is a positive that, if anything, would need less management, not more. Link’s “growth” apparently causes problems to himself, Rhett, Christy and potentially other people as well.

Why? Link explains this immediately afterwards: “Yeah I am not jumping out of the plane alone”.

“It’s a tandem jump”, Rhett agrees.

Tandem is the bicycle for two riders. So it’s not just Link who is about to jump out of the plane. It’s Rhett too.

But they quickly correct this, saying it’s a group of people. Me thinks, wives, families, employees, right?

Rhett then says, “And if there’s one guy who’s like ‘this is what I do and I jump out of a plane, I go as fast as I possibly can’, and they’re like ‘yeah but we talked about how we were all gonna… There is a plan! We are all going to do this together!”

And then Rhett kinda rephrases it but it’s too late at this point. You do realise this has nothing to do with aggression or teasing strangers or being unpleasant in social situations anymore, right? There is a mention of a plan. This has NOTHING to do with what they were discussing before. And what they were discussing before was not Rhett’s real issue! Again, there is a plan, for a tandem fall, and essentially a group fall!!!! Nothing to do with random awkward social interactions!!!!!!! It’s literally a totally different, much more serious topic discussed simultaneously!

Then Link stresses how a lot of it is enjoying interacting with strangers (apparently as his “grown” self?) and Rhett says this is evident, not without a hint of condescension, also implying how Link could become the guy who goes to things alone and talks strangers up. This kinda flies over Link’s head.

The second time Link almost breaks down is when he makes clear that he wants to go out with Rhett and enjoy their time together. And because Link never disappoints he saves it until the last second to make this crystal clear:

“What is this inside of me that wants to come out? Like, it goes out sideways and it… it is funny sometimes but other times it’s like… you don’t wanna, you know, I don’t wanna be the guy that’s giving people that are the closest to me a shitty time because I am having the best time of my life. That sucks.”

Link breaks for the third time. And he also just did the thing Rhett was imploring him all this time to not do. It really is a lost cause.

Now while everything at this point is clear, the one confusing thing for me is how removed Rhett is from all this emotionally, like he is not in sync with how Link feels, like it is not the best time of his life, and on one hand I am pretty sure it is because Rhett doesn’t want to jump off the plane yet and if it weren’t for Link wanting it that bad, he probably never would, but on the other hand it scares my selfish Rhink heart, as if this whole situation is just a Link thing and Rhett is just the supportive friend, you know what I mean? But it cannot be, right? This theory doesn’t agree with TLCOBC and Hazel and so many other symbolic things they have done. I was just confused when Link said he’s gotten this feedback from people that love him the most, not just Rhett. I guess or hope this meant family. But even Rhett looked confused with that lol

They wrap up this episode with Link inviting the viewers to write their thoughts he bets they have and Rhett mutters “Oh they do” but… judging from the comments they still don’t lol Or I am straight out imagining things at this point. I don’t know. As you see, I only used their words. So I really don’t know if everyone is so deaf or I am so delusional.

As a last note, I would like to mention that Rhett has softened considerably by the end of the episode compared to the beginning. I should also point out how many times Rhett repeated he loves Link in this episode. He hit a personal record. Probably because it was a tough topic and he didn’t want Link to think he blames him. My favourite moment was when he said “I say this in love” instead of “I say this with love”. Heh. And Link clearly blinked or turned to him every time. Sweet.

[writhe]

i have had such a good day: 

relatively lowkey morning and made some ice cream for friends - green tea flavored, i owed them one for watching halliwell when i took a day trip to visit family for xmas, but i think it was the best i’ve done / most confident i’ve been making the custard base and it came out really yummy

some frustrations refilling my meds. i will probably be unmedicated for a few days if not a week or so. i don’t like that i and so many people i know are consistently unable to get their medication regardless of what it is 

went to the grocery store to get ingredients for soup 

on the way home decided it was too nice of a day to do any work (even if it was stuff i’m excited to do) so parked at a familiar haunt, derailed this derailment even further by deciding to fuck around at the castle instead of doing a proper walk around the lake. only meant do do this for about 30 minutes but i think i was out for almost a couple hours. had a lot of big feelings and chased a train

stopped at a 2nd store to pick up the ingredients the first store didn’t have 

got home and immediately got a text confirming the plans i’d made with a friend so headed right back out. another walk in the woods. it was such a nice time, it’s someone i’ve known for years and i feel like because of covid and the context we know each other in (punk shit) we haven’t actually had a lot of one-on-one time and i feel like we’ve been teetering on that “i know you and have for a long time but not that well and conversations tend to be stilted a little” edge but it felt like that barrier finally broke and it was really nice and felt more familiar and exciting and we walked for a long time and, idk, i felt like we got to connect a lot more? also i gave them some of the ice cream to try (jury is still out)

took on a commission i’m really excited about (tour poster!)

got home and was finally going to get into cooking but a friend texted yesterday about a ride and i forgot i gave them a ‘maybe’ on but i could do it so i picked them up and by then it was dark and, idk, something pleasant in the mistly and weirdly warm air and they gave me free chicken wire and it seems like we might both be doing something together (using some shop tools at a makerspace) kind of by happenstance 

got home and COOKED! also decided to make a surprise treat for a friend that i’m excited about. made this soup, which is like...i’ve wanted to try it for years and never have because i didn’t feel like i could justify buying all the ingredients but i made it and it’s so fucking good (here’s the recipe - i added smoked salt and a lot more miso paste. i was also pretty generous with the spinach and probably used extra) eating it with this really good crusty sourdough after i finish writing this 

i’m going back to the boxing gym i used to go to before covid hit and i’m pretty out of practice with HIIT-type routines. i have a weight routine i sometimes do and in the summer i run and i hike all throughout the year but regardless i think i’ve lost some strength/muscle and i’m excited to regain that. also a good channel for stress. i’m REALLY sore but in an exciting way, excited to progress and feel a little more grounded in my body through exertion and it’s exciting when things stop hurting and the strength begins to feel functional. pushed myself yesterday to be chatty with people because i’m not the gym rat type and honestly had a really good experience

had a very productive day yesterday and a real big conversation last night and i feel the afterglow from olive having visited and i feel hopeful that some stagnation has cleared in a lot of different channels. it’s like, i maybe feel a little less futile? a little less desperate? 

halliwell is bone tired 

[fff777]

Watched the NCT Dream 7th anniversary video (7 to 7)

They finally changed their seating arrangement! Not that the usual one is BAD but like, some variation is nice.

Jeno: After seven years, we still talk over each other.

The kimchi stew fight was memorable to Haechan ^^;; Affection to him is fighting I guess lol.

Teddy on Jisung's shoulder :3

Renjun and Haechan had a huge fist fight where their clothes were all torn and then they made up on the spot all within 15 minutes X'D That's so freaking dramatic what the heck.

Chenle dropping the bomb that he and Jeno fought and Jeno being like "...we did?" Flashback to when Chenle said he and Jisung had an argument and Jisung was like "...that was an argument?" Chenle being dramatic.

So Dream's infrequent fights start because of jokes eh. I'm reminded of how GOT7's fights are often because of food ^^;; I guess every group has its quirks.

Jaemin @ Haechan: Get the order right, YOU got covid first, and then I did.

I wonder why Jaemin was in the VCR and not Haechan though. I guess it was filmed when Haechan had covid but Jaemin hasn't gotten it yet?

Wow we're finally hearing about the scavenger hunt lol. So the guys went to a vacation home but Renjun was worried they'd find it boring so he set up an entire scavenger hunt at his own expense, and then went to Mark to tell him about it because Mark was leader XD

Jisung: It was fun :3

All of them remembering 7llin' in our Youth >w<

Jisung crying every day for the last three concerts ToT A sensitive boi.

Mark was like this the entire time Renjun was telling his story about hitting his head ToT

Jisung got hurt trying to kick Chenle's ass and they're still talking about it years later ToT

Omg they LIED about it and said that Jisung got hurt practising XD

I'm not even half way through the video but they have so many memories...they spent a lot of time together huh. Like athletes, celebrities also experience the highest of highs and lowest of lows. The highs are great but the lows are inevitable and it's nice that they have each other to rely on ;_;

Oh man I do the same thing when I get excited or very happy, I do the kitty paws thing and just shake my paws a lot.

Chenle telling the fans to be their stars and then them looking up and seeing the moon...Jisung really is such a romantic.

Is that Chenle's assigned kaomoji?

Chenle being nosy

"Jisung still isn't done yet." "HE ONLY WROTE TWO LINES"

Jisung and Haechan have known each other for 10 years ToT

After the other guys come back Jisung is STILL writing. He has a lot of feelings okay ToT

Mark wanted to write a letter back to the him that would have been graduating ToT

Wait whose decision was it to put on the music while Renjun read his letter ToT

They found out they'd be back to 7Dream during Ridin'???

Jeno had a lot of worries while Mark was gone...like the guys obviously tease Mark a lot, but it shows how each member is so important to the group T_T Yeah I totally buy into the 7Dream stuff TAT

"Don't lose the friendship ring." As I'm writing this (weeks ago when I would have queued this post) I just spilled like a quarter of the expensive peach juice I bought and I've been feeling glum about it...this makes me feel a little better because at least I didn't lose the expensive ring that is a representation of my friendship XD

Is Jeno controlling the music??? I can't see clearly.

Haechan kept getting interrupted ToT I can't tell if it was an accident or if they're actually clowning him on purpose ToT

Jaemin's message as always....好行啊!! XD Just focuses on the fans without saying too much about himself.

Renjun would've cried if there was a fire...also sensitive boi.

Mark sooo pleased with Chenle's casual message :P

Jisung's message is so direct :P He writes it like it's a mystery to be solved.

Pretty sure kyuu pose has nothing to do with 7, they just like the kyuu pose lol

YES they all called out Jisung for always skipping out on doing kyuu pose lol. He's in his rebellious phase and doesn't want to be cute.

Haechan: If we catch you not doing it again, we'll shave your hair

I don't know when this started but I think Haechan made this threat during the Finding U-jeong videos too XD

Jaemin: We will sue you (for not doing the kyuu pose) XD

Yep, Jisung wants to be cool instead of cringe lol

Jaemin: You (Mark) always talk about growing old

It's because Mark is a sap!!! He's a romantic too. He's sooo emotional about the Dreamies.

The camera and printer are kind of cool though.

So Jaemin started the Dream trend of ultra-close ups :3

My Jaemren :3

They all ended up wearing their rings on that day :3 Renjun the group glue is so happy. He even got them to take a photo with all their ringed hands :3

They really are just kids hanging out ;_;

Chenle: 我做的好不好?

Renjun: 做的好

Other Dreamies: *Trying to copy them*

Oh man...Dream's story is so touching, that's how they got me v.v

[basilquesadilla]

Just a warning, this post is just a rant/vent with about 0 organization, and may also have some mild, vague spoilers.

Watched Heartstopper season 2 with a friend last night, and I think this time that show really hit me hard and made me feel super single with my aromanticism, even with Issac there. I really enjoyed spending time with my friend, but I got sad because my thoughts were going “This isn’t forevee, you’ll be back to being alone soon.” Watching issac feel awkward amongst his own friend group felt so relatable, anf I resonated with that hard.

I feel like my aromanticism is just something I’m constantly going up and down with how I feel about it. I’ll feel great about it for a bit, then i wont feel hood about it at all for a while, which is getting tiring to experience. I often try to attach queerplatonic/platonic meaning to romantic songs, and i tried to do that with the song that played in the final scene where Charlie talks about the bullying he experienced and what it was like. But i couldn’t do it. There’s not even anyone I’ve met that i’d wanna be in a queerplatonic relationship with, aside from a few where i knew there was no chance. I just felt so lonely so I couldn’t even listen to it.

One thing that doesn’t help me is I feel so touch starved yet I’m also often touch-averse, likely due to the former. It took me nearly a.year with my current friends who I met last year to even do hugs, and I doubt it’ll ever go beyond that because i feel like people never show their friends that much physical affection. Especially since, even if i am non binary, i still look like a cis man right now. And I know a lot of people would find like doing any physical affection with me because of that probably, and I’m touch averse so what does it matter anyways lol. It’s just a torturous limbo lol.

My friend was saying how the show made them want to reinstall dating apps, and meanwhile after the show I had to tune my thoughts out with TikTok and listening to other music to avoid my thoughts.

Another thing that hurts is(this is some long context that i need to add) is that after high school ended, i really didnt get to keep in contact with a lot of my friends(Ik that’s common but bear with me). I’d watch some of them thriving and finding friends despite it being 2020 fall semester where covid was still in its full swing in terms of impact on uni, and meanwhile I was alone. I was severely depressed, and lonely. Because no one i met in my courses with other engineering majors clicked with me(the classes were pre reqs for me as a computer science major). So then I got more lonely, and sophomore year was a repeat.

Final week of school that 2nd year i even decided i couldn’t take talking to even my online friends community aside from 2-3 close friends there. Then junior year happens, and i met my current friends. And of course i love them and everything. But i also have this voice in my head saying that the repeat will happen post graduation. We’ll all go to different places, and then they’ll talk to me less and less, and eventually I’ll just feel lonely and isolated again, and be back to thinking some very dark thoughts. And it’s terrifying. And i guess watching heartstopper s2 reminded me of all that, even tho i absolutely adored it still. All i could think in the back of my head was “you will never experience affectionate touch like this. You will never be able to be in a romantic relationship,’or a queerplatonic one. You’ll be lonely and your friends won’t always be there with you.”

So yeah, here I am, back to feeling shitty about being aromantic and hating it. Because instead of feeling the yearning, crushing, and relationships like others. Instead of feeling physical affection like others. Instead of being able to see a future with a partner. All im experiencing right now is bitterness at my lot in life and how i feel like all my friends will slowly leave me, and i won’t be able to make new ones because I suck at doing that as shown by the 2 years before meeting my current ones. And that just makes me feel depressed. I honestly feel kinda broken and hopeless. Aro and thus a lot of relationship options are cutoff from me, cant find people I’d want to enter a queerplatonic relationship with, AND have trouble with making friends. It just feels like I’m destined to be lonely, and ik it isnt supposed to be a factor in that, but it does feel like being aromantic plays a role in this whole mess for me rn. And i hate that.

If you read to the end of this, ty and I greatly appreciate you :) 💛

[shadowfromthestarlight]

self-pity party:

i don’t have it in me to celebrate or even be a remotely pleasant person right now. i had a cold starting on december 11th, which never progressed into anything worse but never entirely went away, then i must have caught something on the way to florida on the 23rd, because on christmas day i came down with what felt like a cross between covid and strep throat (maybe it was lol; i didn’t test). eating and drinking became a chore because of my swollen lymph nodes. my whole body hurt. i got a plush toy to remind me of my cat because i wished i could have my cat to cuddle with. the sore throat and aches gave way to a massive sinus infection. on wednesday morning, everything just started coming out. i had to work, but i also had to blow my nose every couple of minutes. falling asleep was hard because it was hard to breathe from the congestion. normal cold & flu medicine didn’t help. by friday night, i’d lost my voice. saturday morning, my eye hurt and there was never-ending green gunk coming out, my voice hadn’t improved, the congestion hadn’t improved, the sinus pressure was barely tolerable.

i spent the last day of 2022 feeling the worst i’d felt all year, unable to speak in anything above a hoarse whisper, a never-ending headache and pain all over my face, my eye clogged with goop, weak and fatigued from days of illness. i spent three hours of the afternoon waiting to get prescribed antibiotics at an urgent care. my head throbbed more and more as the night wore on. i was in so much pain and discomfort and frustration from being sick for three weeks and all-around misery that i wished i was a child so it would be okay to fall on the floor and scream. i watched the fireworks (at least 2 dozen displays) from the balcony and kissed my plush toy and went to bed. 

medicine and sleep marginally improved things; i can now think without a pounding headache and my eye isn’t oozing every minute. i might be able to travel home without people freaking out because i look like i’m patient zero for the next pandemic. i can still barely talk. i woke up coughing from post-nasal drip. i’m so over it. i’m over being asked how i feel, i’m over being told what to do to feel better, i’m over being asked if i’ve taken my medicine, in fact i would like to not be spoken to at all. i just want to go home, pull the covers over my face, and hide in the dark with my cat.

[i don’t even feel happy about the new year; i actually feel nothing much at all. i had never looked forward to 2023 anyway because i didn’t like the number. besides, from a global standpoint, it’s going to suck. we have possibly the greatest concentration of “leaders” who don’t know how to lead in human history. they’re all either weak-willed, stupid, or just plain psychopathic. there will be zero accountability for the people who just from a moral standpoint deserve to be hanged for crimes against humanity over the past three years. they’ll just come up with creative new ways to abuse us. can’t wait to see what the next annual propaganda campaign is!]

i feel awful because i’m a walker and a hiker and a step counter and i’ve barely been able to do anything for days. i haven’t had 10K steps since the 22nd. i’ve had one meal i would consider satisfying in the entire past week. i look scrawny. i have to do a lot in january to make up for it, but right now, instead of excited, i just feel exhausted.  

i think i’m gonna try crying and see if that helps get more... you know... out. 

happy new year same shit, different digits. enjoy it while you can, before WWIII hits. 

i might be back in a few days. idk.

[kimmysurveyblog]

44

1 - Who was the last person to give you a gift? What was the reason for it? My boyfriend bought me flowers. The reason was that he went out with our daughter while I had a phone therapy appointment. Reward for therapy? Lol.

2 - Are you a good cook? If so, who taught you? What’s your favourite thing to cook? I'm like... sufficient? My mom taught me a bit. I cook every day so I'm not the worst at it. I like cooking spaghetti lmao. Making the sauce is just very fun and relaxing for me for some reason?

3 - When was the last time something in your house broke? Did you manage to fix it or did you need to buy a replacement? I think our washer broke. My boyfriend fixed it thanks to YouTube tutorials.

4 - Is any part of your body hurting right now? What caused that pain? I have a tiny bit of Chiari head pain.

5 - Do you have anything exciting planned for the upcoming weekend? My boyfriend's mom is coming to watch Violet so we can have a little break. In the morning we're going for a hike with her. Sunday is usually just errands and going to the park.

6 - If you could spend two weeks in any city in the world, which city would you pick and why? Tokyo. I've always wanted to go there.

7 - When was the last time you tripped or fell in public? if there was nobody around to see you, did you still feel embarrassed? I don't know.

8 - The last time you made a sandwich, what did you put in there? I also don't know.

9 - How many hours sleep did you get last night? Was that enough for you or could you have slept for longer? Six hours because I was awake stressing. It was not enough.

10 - What’s your favourite time of day? What’s your favourite thing to do at that time? Mornings, before my boyfriend starts work at 10. We usually go to the playground with her (in the warm months) and it's very chill and nice to have a bit of family time before our days begin.

11 - Where did you go the last time you left your house? ^ We did one of those. To two parks.

12 - Are you tired right now? Will you be going to bed anytime soon? I am not tired. About 12 hours until that time.

13 - How many times a week do you get takeaway coffee, if you get it at all? Every single day lately. :x

14 - What radio station do you listen to the most? None.

15 - If you eat steak, how do you like it cooked? What sauces or sides do you like to go with it? I don't really like steak.

16 - Do you prefer sweet or savoury pancakes? What toppings do you have on them? Sweet. Maple syrup.

17 - Are you someone who cracks their joints a lot? Which one(s) do you tend to crack and click the most? No.

18 - Have you ever taken medication or tablets to help you sleep? is this something you do on a regular basis? I had a sleeping pill addiction for welllll over a decade until marijuana was legalized in Canada. I quit that when I became pregnant and honestly, suffer quite a bit with insomnia some nights. Better than having a sleeping pill or weed dependency though.

19 - For you, what’s the worst thing about getting up in the morning? What about the worst thing about going to bed tonight? Having a whole day ahead of me. I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately. The worst part about bedtime is my 983983 anxiety pees and struggling to fall asleep.

20 - Do you prefer regular or diet soft drinks? I don't drink soft drinks usually. 21 - What do you tend to wear if you’re just hanging about the house for the day? Sweatpants and a tshirt.

22 - When was the last time you dyed your hair? Did you do it yourself or get it done at a hairdresser? I stopped during COVID and probably won't ever dye it again. Box dye.

23 - Does having to wear a mask stop you doing things? Is this because you struggle wearing one or you just don’t like it? That time is over but I didn't mind wearing them. I still wear them in medical buildings.

24 - Have you ever witnessed a car accident? Or have you perhaps been involved in one yourself? Were you at fault? No.

25 - When was the last time you baked a cake? What cake was it? I made a cake for my daughter's birthday 2 months ago.

26 - Do you like wearing bows or accessories in your hair? No.

27 - How many books do you read in a year? Do you enjoy reading or do you have to really force yourself to sit down and read? Five. I do sometimes.

28 - If you have pets, where did they come from? A breeder, a rescue or maybe a friend who bred their pet? My dog came from a breeder.

29 - Do you make your bed every morning when you get up? No.

30 - When was the last time you got takeaway food? Was it good? We had McDonalds this week. It was fine.

[rachelianello]

Officially six months seizure free!...Again. I won't ever drive again. I just don't want something to happen while I am driving and harm anyone that is on the road near me. I don't like driving anyways. I also have neuropathy. Pins and needles in my legs and feet times a million at first. I couldn't walk the pain was so bad. I couldn't even stand. Three weeks later after being in the hospital for a week a fucking MRI with some drug that calmed me down I was diagnosed with neuropathy which I already said. I was transferred to a in patient physical rehab facility for two weeks. The rain was still so bad and standing hurt. I couldn't even shower myself. Those two weeks with those therapist meant more that anything to more. Yes did I have to use a walker and a wheelchair after I got out? Absolutely. It has been a year not and I don't need to use my walker and I use my wheelchair to walk/jog around my neighborhood with my little puppy dog Otto. I went so long without being able to do anything like that. I just use my wheelchair for balance. I am not trying to walk around my neighborhood and fall down and scrape my knees. I mean, lets be real, I am not a ripe banana anymore just one with a lot of brown spots but more yellow. ALSO, IF I EVER HEAR ANYONE TELL ME THAT THEIR LEG FELL ASLEEP OR THEIR ARM AND THEY FEEL PINS AND NEEDLES AND IT HURTS. WHAT A JOKE. MY FEET WILL FEEL THAT WAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND I AM USED TO IT. MY MEDICATION HELPS BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT GO AWAY. My bad but don't be a little bitch, bro. Anyways....THANKYOU MOTHERFUCKING MISSOURI FOR LEGALIZING MARIJUANA.

I was very close to getting my medicinal card but my dealer always hooked me up. They still do but there is nothing better than walking as slow as I can into a dispensary and picking out what I want. My primary care Doc and all my other specialist ask if I smoke and I tell them, "Just Mary Jane." They look at me and say, "Well, its not illegal so I can't tell you not to and your oxygen/breathing is great. I am glad to helps." My gynecologist, neourologist, seizure doc and all the other docs I see say the same.

Still take my meds. Honestly, The first time had a seizure was the scariest. Not because I was in pain but I was at work and fell down and hit my head so hard. I can't believe I didn't break my glasses. Luckily I had so many employees around me to help. Not trying to toot my own horn but I was a pretty badass Kitchen Manager. I thought anyways. I tried my best. I was carried out for my first ride on the ambulance and the only thing I can remember was my General Manager asking me to call my best friend Kamryn and I said yes. My General Manager never stopped taking food orders. More than half the staff walked out that night. Saturday, February 19th 2021 9PM...Buffalo Wild Wings. My best friend was at the hospital before I even was even though I was rushed on the ambulance. I had covid to haha. If I knew that I would have never went to work but I needed to be at work for that seizure to happen. What would I have done if I was at home where I lived alone and that happened to me?

That was long. I don't care care if anyone reads this but PLEASE STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE SEIZURES OR ANY OTHER MEDICAL CONDITIONS. IT'S NOT FUNNY. IT DOESN'T ONLY MAKE SOMEONE FEEL BAD ABOUT THEMSELVES..ESPECIALLY SOMETHING THEY CAN'T CONTROL BUT IT IS SO SCARY FOR ANYONE AROUNT THEM TO WITNESS IT.

I PROMISE, NO ONE IS LAUGHING ABOUT YOUR IGNORANCE. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW HOW IT FEELS BEING IN THE HOSPITAL..GETTING POKED BY MULTIPLE NEEDLES, (EVERY HOUR..ESPECIALLY RIGHT WHEN YOU FALL ASLEEP AND INSTANTLY WAKE UP AGAIN) HAVING SOMEONE WATCH YOU SHIT, WEARING A DIAPER AND PEEING YOUR PANTS, NOT ALLOWED ANY FRIENDS/FAMILY TO SEE YOU, NOT BEING ABLE TO SHOWER FOR A WEEK, LET ME KNOW. IF YOU WANT TO TAKE MEDICATION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFT THATS PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME. IF ONE DAY YOU DON'T TAKE IT YOU WILL IMMEDIATELY HOPE THAT WHO WONT HAVE A SEIZURE THAT DAY. I have dreams of anyone that I am helping someone having a seizure.

Moral of this post. Please, be a kind human. You never know what someone is going though.

[worldofroma]

April 21 2023, Friday - 1:10pm

It’s been quite a while since I’ve gotten the chance to write on this again. A lot of shit has happened, actually.

I got super sick. Like, super fucking sick. Pretty sure it was COVID as I was completely bed-ridden for 4 days, my head and ears full of pressure and my throat hurting so bad I could barely breathe. Not only that, but everytime I did breathe, I made a weird gurgling kind of sound and it was absolutely disgusting.

I got a job. Finally. But I’m working at Tim Hortons. Gross. I’ve learned how they make some of my favourite drinks, foul. Yet I’ll still continue to drink them almost every damn day.

Practiced driving a lot more as my driving test for G2 is coming up next Tuesday. Was doing great until my instructor told me that they think I’ll be fine on the test, immediately ran a stop sign and turned the opposite way that I had my signal on for. Nice.

Discovered the side of me that could be considered a slut. But now I understand the reason why so many women turn to it, it’s so exciting and quite frankly entertaining. Theres this stupid website, some kind of thing for pen pals, idfk, but the amount of disgusting men on there is outstanding. I made an account and within 10 minutes, I had 17 messages from 17 different men (yes, men, all over the age of 25) telling me how beautiful I am and the things they’d love to do to my “young, teen body”. Fucking disgusting. But, I reply anyways. I’m addicted to the attention they give me and how little effort I have to put in to getting it. All I have to do is respond with short, sweet, and flirty answers and they’re all over me. I love it.

Met someone on the website who I think is my twin flame. He’s only a few months younger than me, lowkey cringe, but we are so alike. But, now that we’ve been texting back and fourth for a good 5 days now, I’ve definitely been humbled. In short, let’s just say we used this app called RAVE to watch a movie without being in the same place. He chose the movie. He chose Fight Club. Need I say more?

I’m writing this on the last day of my co-op, thank the lord. I kind of feel bad for hating it, but I told the teacher I was an assistant for that I enjoyed it even though almost every day I sat at the back table cutting out laminated cards or instructions to a game I never knew existed. It was dreadful, but I managed.

I killed a bug today, a big brown shiny one that made a crunching noise when I stepped on it. Felt really bad afterwards. Don’t really know why, I’ve never cared before.

Oh, and back to the guy I mentioned in 5, his name is Atlas by the way, he’s so smart yet so fucking douchy about it. Not in a bad way though, I honestly enjoy being told by him. But at one point, we had this super long typical conversation about the meaning of life and what happens after death. He’s fully convinced that there is no God, there is no Heaven or Hell. There’s just nothing after death. And he’s okay with it too, but I’m not sure I am. I think that might be why I felt bad for killing the bug. All it was trying to do was hide under some shelf but I purposely went out of my way to end it’s life in a split second, leaving it in the emptiness of the afterlife forever on. Atlas also told me that he killed someone, or may have at least. Apparently he was drunk some time ago and was approched by an even more drunk old man who tried to come onto him, rape him I guess, and he beat him to the point he has no clue if the man survived. He also told me he’d be willing to eat human flesh. I don’t know why, but I’m not afraid of him like anyone else would be after hearing this stuff from him. I actually find it rather comforting that he trusts me enough to tell me things like that after not even knowing me for a week yet. He says he’s really glad we met, but I think if we ever met in real life, it would be catastrophic.

Also, yesterday I skipped co-op just to sleep. Woke up at 7:30, decided I didn’t want to go, and then went back to bed only to wake up at 2pm without waking once. I think If I had the choice, I’d stay in bed forever. Now I understand My Year of Rest and Relaxation.

So thats what my life has been like recently. Fucking hell if you ask me. But on top of everything thats going on, I’ve been thinking a lot about what my future is going to look like. If I want to get anywhere in this world without living a life of depression, I need to marry rich. In this world, you don’t get anywhere without aqquiring a job in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) and I fucking hate all four of those things. All I want to do is write. I want to write stories that someone will read once and remember for the rest of their lives. I want to be a movie director so I can bring those books to life and create a masterpiece out of each one. But you don’t get anywhere like that without money and as of right now, I have $2.09 in my bank account. Savings and all. And by the looks of it, I’ll either be marrying someone extremely fucked up and insane like Atlas, or some rich old perverted white guy who will be willing to give me anything if I strip down. And in all honesty, I don’t mind either. As long as I’m getting the attention I deserve and the time to spend on writing, I couldn’t give a shit who I spend it with.

Also, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be capable of loving someone. I remember this one time before we broke off completely, Kyra and I decided to take a break from our friendship as I didn’t feel I was getting anything out of it compared to what I was putting into the friendship. My stepdad, Paul, decided to tell me during that break that he was convinced Kyra and I were in some kind of secret relationship because of how often we’d spend time together, but we were only so close because we only had each other for years. During that conversation, he went on to tell me that no matter how long we spend a part, we would always find our way back to being friends because even if we didn’t want to admit it, we loved each other. This was after I made it clear that I’m straight, by the way, so this so called love was more just in a family way because it was the only other option. But that wasn’t the case. Her and I never had any love for each other, only depdenance and a sort of guilt that if we didn’t hang out with each other, we’d be a bad person. A bad friend. I realized that after she started hanging out with me only to use my weed and get my mother to buy her pods. Another reason I don’t think I could ever love someone is because I have no commitment skills. If I ever somehow get in a relationship with a guy, I can almost guarantee that I’ll be tired of them before the 1 year mark, if I even make it that far. It’s kind of funny it worked out that way though seeing I have serious abandonment issues. If I get abandoned, I’ll never recover from it, but if I abandon someone else, they’ll likely never cross my mind again unless it’s because I’m internally insulting them. This is why I know I’m not a good person. I’m selfish. I don’t care about how my actions affect others, but if someone were to hurt me, I’d find a way to make them pay for it.

Another thing that’s been on my mind lately is what kind of illness I have. I don’t want to be diagnosed because as much as it can be nice to know how to treat whatever I have, then I’ll know for sure that theres something wrong with me that can never truly be fixed. Also, then I’ll know that I’m nothing more than a younger version of my parents, the mixture of those two being the worst possible outcome of a child there can be. I’d rather just go on forever thinking that whatevers wrong with me could just be in my head, whether that sounds better or not. But I know theres something wrong with me, and Atlas knows too. He and I were talking about the issues we had since he’s not a stranger with mental health issues either. He’s an insomniac (or so he says, I honestly think he may just be adapting the personality of that guy from Fight Club after he was so eager to show me), and he clearly has some kind of personality disorder. Likely DID he says, and he thinks thats what I have too. He says that those occurances I’ve had where I’ve done awful things without having a reason, such as attempting to run away, could be the result of untreated DID. In all honesty, even if I haven’t spoken to him for very long, it’s kind of obvious he does have DID. Sometimes when I’m messaging him, I notice a split in his personality that he thinks is normal. We’ll both be talking about really personal things, things I often mention in here, and he’ll randomly tell me to stop talking about it so he doesn’t start spiralling or doesn’t want to come off as someone who doesn’t care about my problems. Regardless, he’s not shy when it comes to telling me to shut up. Frankly, I’m not sure if that’s really DID or him being flat out about not caring what I have to say. It’s odd though, because other times he tells me how glad he is that we met and that we’re able to chat and gets a little impatient when I don’t answer him right away either, which is why I do believe he has DID. But again, he could just be a shitty person. I’m not sure what I’d rather him be.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but I think I also might have some kind of schizo illness. I say schizo illness and not schizophrenia because schizophrenics aren’t often aware of themselves having it, but I do have a lot of the symptoms and I’m fully aware of it. I’m constantly seeing people or figures or animals, my cats in particular, in random places wherever I am. Sometimes just out of the corner of my eye, other times they’ll be right in front of me until I look at them. It only freaks me out when they’re moving, though. It’s always super quick and right towards me, it’s fucking chilling. Also, when it’s too quiet, I hear things talking to me. Men, women, children, old people. I always hear it, but it’s not common for me to understand what they’re saying. A lot of the time, it’s jumbled or sounds like they’re under water almost. Sometimes I hear whistling too. It’s weird. I also get extreme paranoia. Everyone always has that one emotion their driven by whether it’s happiness, sadness, anger, blah blah blah. But what drives me most of the time is fear. Anxiety. It’s so bad that sometimes when I’m in my room by myself for too long, I start thinking that whatever screen is in front of me such as my phone or tv will randomly get hacked into and jumpscare me with horrific images and loud noises. When has that ever happened? Never. What are the chances of it happening? Likely slim to nothing. Yet I think about it almost daily and when I do, I have to leave the room and stare at a wall or I’ll have a panic attack. Similarly, I get extra paranoid at night and find it really hard to leave my room after a certain time. I’m afraid that once the lights are out, something will be lurking in the dark ready for whenever I dare to step foot out. I never know what this thing will do to me, but I don’t want to find out which is why sometimes I’ll go to bed with a full bladder or a full face of make up on. I can’t even go to the bathroom without freaking out about something that’s not even there. I’ve convinced myself that wherever I go, specifically my home and bathroom, a camera or thousands of cameras are watching me. I don’t know whos watching me, but whoever is is judging me and making fun of me so I have to be perfect all the time. I’m constantly worrying about what I’m doing, what I said, what I look like because of it. I think theres someone secretly living in my basement. My trapped door basement. When I’m home alone, I hear people walking around downstairs and moving things around. Sometimes, I’ll lose things for months and then it’ll randomly appear in the most obvious place I would’ve found only seconds after I’d realized it was lost. Someones fucking with me. Sometimes I think that I have the ability to ‘regenerate’ or ‘heal’ faster than others. Yes I get sick, but I’m convinced that I can fight off any kind of illness or injury much faster than others. I can do it without medications, unlike everyone else. Yet I constantly worry about getting cancer or some unfixable illness. It doesn’t add up. Now that I’m writing all this, I realized how pathetic it all sounds, but it’s the truth. I live like this everyday and I don’t tell a single person. I keep it all in. Not because I’m afraid of what they may say or think of me or what the outcome may be, I simply can’t bring myself to say it. I don’t know why, but I just can’t. No matter how close I get to saying it, I always switch the topic or lie about what I really feel, even to my therapist. I think she knows I’m lying too because almost every appointment she asks “Are you telling me everything or is there something else I should know about? I’m only asking because it’s easy for anyone to put on a mask and fake things.” But I know she knows. And I feel bad for lying about it. It’s not that I don’t trust her or think she’s a bad therapist or anything like that, I think she’s a great person for me to talk to. I honestly just can’t talk about it. Not only that, but it’s just so much easier to force a smile and tell her that I’m fine.

I know that if I ever do admit it, I’ll cry and I hate crying. I don’t even remember the last time I had a good hard cry, I almost feel as if I don’t deserve the tears. That, and the things I could cry about don’t deserve the tears. It’s pointless. I also hate the way I look after I cry. My eyes get all swollen and gross looking and don’t return to normal for a good day or two. Why would I foil my appearance on things that don’t matter. Things I’ll forget within a month or even sooner.

[spe--vedit-ad--astra]

So. It is apparently time for me to sit and type long ass random tumblr posts about feelings. And considering I had some real big feelings this weekend and thought " I should probably journal about this" and then hasn't yet, but I am writing paragraphs about a 30 second thought-feeling that came up while watching tiktok.... maybe I should go ahead and start another post.

So. Read more if you want to hear a ramble about Feelings and realizing that, guess what, even when its been an unchanging fact for a few years, it still hurts like hell to be reminded that your parents hate your identity and only love the idea of you they have in their head.

Tw transphobia, mentions of suicidal thoughts, mentions of death

So. Friends got married this weekend. It was amazing. Loved seeing so many people I know and love, and so honored to be chosen to help some of my best friends celebrate.

It was in the context of mental health being a bit of a roller coaster - the past week being actually really really good, but the weeks / months before that being intermittently more of a struggle. And my feelings / memory / processing of this was impacted by some real big derealization / depersonalization the following day while I was thinking about it. So those combined probably magnified everything

Anyway. I was expected to be emotional - happy tears at seeing people I love be happy.

I was not expected to be emotionally crushed by the parent dance. It's not even like I am planning on getting married anytime soon, but all I could think that I was watching something I would never have - even if the stars align and I end up with a partner who wants to marry me, I can' t imagine a world right now where my parents are part of that day. Unless I pick up a lot of bravery to open the rift that is my transition with my parents; and if I do that, somehow balance the vunerability and the uncertainty with enough boundardies to not become suicidal, and if I manage that, then they actually listen and take the time to see what actually makes me happy; and then do the work to be accepting; and then take the time for it to sink in and them actually celebrate me for who I am --- unless all those steps happen, any big life event won't include family. Or it will be separate

/(aside - it's probably very strange that I've thought in detail about my funeral and what I would want, but I have legit been thinking I should write a letter to friends that if I die, I want them to let my parents bury me and mourn me however they want (which would be birth name / legal sex, etc); and ask my friends to hold a separate service to remember me as my preferred name. I'm not planning on dying. This probably doesn't really belong in this ramble and is just morbid and sad to bring up. But these are the kinds of things I get to have brainspace dedicated to and this is my blog to write about the sucky parts of having transphobic family.)/

Anyway. On a similar note, if I ever get married, I currently can't imagine a world where my parents and relatives and cousins and classmates and friends all intermingle and can celebrate me together. On a similar note, I'm not inviting my parents to residency graduation in a couple months, and I don't even feel I can mention it to them in case they ask why or feel insulted I'm not inviting them. I can still remember exactly how it felt to hear my parents say they weren't sure if they could go to medical school graduation if their daughter wasn't going to be there. I think I might be the only person who was very very sad but also kinda grateful when COVID cancelled graduation because it meant my parents and classmates didn't have a chance to interact.

And I've been thinking recently about opening this can of worms again, and asking my mom if she's thought about gender at all in the past 3-4 years, if she is aware I'm still going by he/him/they/them and my preferred name, if she is aware I am hiding away parts of myself and hiding away my joy in order for them to feel comfortable, asking if she wants to talk about it again, trying to explain things again now that I'm older and feel a little better at setting boundaries and holding my own opinions when someone disagree's with me. But I don't know what will happen. I know it will be uncomfortable, and scary, and it will hurt me and her, and it will make every conversation feel like a landmine again. I don't know how the process will go this time. Will my mom accept that I can think for myself? Will she listen to understand or just to argue? How long will it last? How bad will my depression get this time?Will I be able to stay alive and stay functional and still living my life? And on top of all of that, I don't know what the outcome will be. Will I lose my family completely? Will they accept me? Could they ever celebrate me? Or will we end up right where we started again? .............. I've been meteophorically been staring all of that certain pain with uncertain outcome and trying to think through the why - why would it be worth it?

So..... seeing a peer be surrounded by everyone she loves, all these people from different areas of her life, people that have known her since birth, and knowing that right now, most people I could invite to a celebration for my preferred name met me after age 20, and seeing her dance at her wedding with her parents, knowing that either I will never have that; or that getting to a point where that is possible will take so much work and mean enduring so much pain and uncertainity... it just cut me to my core.

Sometimes I feel like I've recovered from the trauma I went through with my mom trying to convince being trans was harmful and wrong and crazy, and the grief of having to protect my life from her, and the shame of feeling like I have to protect her from my life, and the upheaval of my worldview to accept this new normal.

And them sometimes I am blindsided; sometimes there are times like this when I stumble and fall through the tissue paper that was patching over a gaping hole in my heart.

[roseempresschronicles]

A Mouthful of Air: A Story That Sounds Much Like Ours

Trigger warning! This movie and post do show and/or discuss self-harm, severe mental illness, suicidal ideations, suicidal attempts, suicide, and child abuse. 

I’m not sure how many of you have heard of and/or seen the movie A Mouthful of Air with Amanda Seyfried. I was led to watch the movie and when I tell you the tears were effervescently flowing from my face I.. KID…YOU…NOT. 

For a general synopsis, the movie is about a children’s book author who is struggling with motherhood and postpartum depression. The movie discusses the anxieties, fears, and traumas that haunt her throughout the course of the movie. The movie also touches on her fears regarding having a daughter due to her own experiences and fear of inadequacy. 

As someone who suffers from complex PTSD, I resonated deeply with this movie. From the constant anxious thoughts that something bad was going to happen to my baby to me being completely out of it during childbirth that everything was literally a blur. 

I gave birth to my daughter in September 2019. At the time I was 21 years old and my pregnancy was not ideal. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter was planned. However, the things I experienced such as hospitalization and surgery due to an enlarged kidney stone unable to pass were far from what I would call an ideal pregnancy. 

Just like Julie, I managed emotionally and mentally even with the hospitalization scares and other adverse events that took place. Everything changed after I actually gave birth though. I felt like a constant failure to my daughter. I wanted to breastfeed, however, it was so draining pumping while working 40 hours a week from home and taking care of a newborn during that time. My support system as well as myself all worked daytime jobs, however, I was the only one working from home so naturally baby stayed with me all day. 

Like Julie, I had been struggling with my mental health since I was in elementary school. My first suicidal attempt was made in 6th grade. However, no one was aware. I was very good at pretending that I was okay even if I wasn’t. I can remember being so sad, so angry, and so hurt. I would scream and cry into my pillows so no one could hear me. I felt so alone and I was so lonely because no one knew what I truly felt inside. A Mouthful of Air. Sometimes I felt like I couldn’t breathe, other times I didn’t want to breathe. I’ve attempted to smother myself with pillows, choke myself with a belt, and hold my breath as long as I could because I was in so much pain. My young mind could not wrap my head around the things I had experienced and I was filled with so much fear, hatred, and rage. A Mouthful of Air. I felt voiceless. 

All of those childhood memories that I tried my hardest to bury and forget came resurfacing in phases. New trauma and old trauma were blended and mixed to create a beautiful disaster. An upheaval, destruction. A dark knight of the soul. I was fighting for my life in 2020. Not just through COVID. Through postpartum, Complex PTSD, lies, frenemies, family, my mind, the past, my trauma, and my fears. For a long time, I felt like I was fighting a losing battle. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. All I could see was fog and mist and dust. I did not think that I would make it, however, Spirit nudged me along the way. I fell a lot, I crawled, I scooted, I kept moving centimeter by centimeter until I got to the here and now. 

I want to encourage you and let you know that despite all that you’ve been through the stars are never gone. The light that shines within only dims it never fizzles. Keep moving, get therapy, set boundaries, feel your feelings, express your fears, and then conquer them all. You are not alone mama, you are never alone. We are here with you, we hold space for you, we love you, we innerstand you, and we are rooting for you to make it to the other side where you can truly see the sun shine.

-Rose Empress Chronicles 🤍

[ericspinkhair]

quarantine longings

pairing: best friend!kevin x fem!reader

word count: 3.2k

synopsis: you and your best friend have sex because quarantine made you horny

warnings: best friends to lovers, takes place during the pandemic, spoiler of 356 days (but not the end, just generally the plot), no use of condoms but only the pill, creampie, sexual fantasies, fingering, hand-job, sex, slight angst at the end if you squint

a/n: I would literally die for kevin, I love him so much. I'll be writing a multiple parts series about him after I'm done writing scenarios for every member first.

requests are open!

masterlist + requests

you slammed your foot hard against the wall and cursed in pain. you hopped on one foot to your bed, holding your other leg in agony and tasted blood as you bit your lip to keep the volume of your suffering groans in check. someone knocked on the door.

'are you okay?' your roommate asked concerned.

'no, leave me alone, kevin,' you croaked out. you wanted to suffer by yourself.

there was an awkward silence and then you heard him sigh. soon after, the door next to your room closed shut.

why were you so frustrated, one might ask? well, the pandemic was kicking your butt and you just couldn't take it anymore. when the news of the virus had first spread, no one thought it would become this serious. but suddenly everyone was walking around with masks and spent most of their time staying at home.

after graduating high school, you and kevin had decided to move in together for college because both of you were broke and couldn't afford to live alone. you had been best friends since middle school and had been convinced that it was a smart idea at the time.

and everything went smoothly for the first one and a half years. however, after not seeing anyone else since the start of the pandemic over a year ago, it became increasingly difficult to share an apartment, but not in the way one might assume. you were neither sick of each other nor did you fight a lot. to tell the truth, it was quite the opposite.

earlier, before you had kicked the wall in anger, the two of you had painted together. kevin was majoring in art and, since you didn't have anything better to do, you joined him while he did projects for his classes. you might have been majoring in journalism but you had always liked drawing and painting, even though you weren't particularly skilled. you were a naturally clumsy person, always tripping over air and dropping things. today you were hecticly moving around your hands while telling him about a stupid video you had seen and you accidently let go of the brush in your hand. it hit the side of kevin's face, leaving a wide splodge of red paint on his right cheek.

to get back at you, he jerked his paint brush and splattered some green color on your white shirt. you saw this as a challenge and soon both of you were both drenched in the colors of the rainbow, laughing hysterically on the floor, not caring that you were spreading the paint on the poor carpet.

you turned your heads to look at each other and you felt absolutely in peace. you loved this man and couldn't be more glad that it was him and not anyone else you were stuck with inside of this apartment.

he stood up to take off his stained shirt and your smile quickly faded off your face. your lips slightly parted and you couldn't help but stare at his now exposed biceps and abs.

your mouth watered and you felt heat pooling between your legs as you took your time to study his architecture. thoughts about how badly you wanted him to thrust into you while his strong arms held you up invaded your mind. you tried to shake them off but it was impossible.

occasions like this were slowly becoming a common occurrence for you.

having mostly stayed inside for over a year, also meant that you didn't have sex for that long. it's not like you were the horniest person on the planet but you still had needs that were being neglected. with kevin being home all the time you didn't even dare to masturbate, scared that he would be able to hear you through the frustratingly thin walls. you must have gone insane with all the lust building up inside you and that's why you suddenly craved to have sex with your best friend. this whole thing was destroying everything. it was hard to act normal when he was making you this nervous and heated but you tried to pretend that everything was fine anyway for the sake of your friendship.

that was the reason why you were angry and had hurt yourself. you hated the way you felt about your best friend and you hated the pandemic for not giving you an outlet to escape so you could recollect yourself.

what you weren't aware of was that kevin was no stranger to the exact same frustration.

he would need more than his ten fingers and ten toes to be able to count the amount of times he had to run to the bathroom to hide his boner because he had done so much as look at you bend over or stretch. he didn't want to make you uncomfortable but it was a challenge to try and calm down his hormones.

whenever he jacked off, images of you flashed through his mind; your sweet curves and pink lips drove him insane.

last week, you two were cooking together and you had asked him to get the salt. he stood behind you to reach for it on the highest shelf. he was forced to press his crotch against your butt cheeks and his dick hardened against his will. he quickly handed you the salt, excused himself and ran off before you could figure out what had happened.

he might not have known the cause of your sudden outburst but he sympathized with your fury because he had a lot of pent up anger towards covid as well.

he lay in his bed and tried to focus on the book he was reading but he couldn't tune out the groans coming from the room next to his. he cursed.

'stop it!' he was panicking as he saw a familiar tent forming in his pants. your sounds triggered some weird perverted part of his brain that sent signals right to his genitals. his dick was hardening and he saw no other solution to his problem than to give in to his subconscious desires.

he pulled down his pants just far enough so that his cock had enough room to spring out. it only needed a few strokes before it stood tall and angry. kevin pressed his head into his pillow and moved his hand fast. he wanted to get over with it quickly. he emptied his cum on his stomach while imagining your greedy little mouth being stuffed by his cock. he lay there panting as yet another round of shame flushed over him.

'get yourself together,' he whispered, mentally slapping himself.

***

'do you want to order japanese or italian?' you asked kevin. today was friday which meant it was time for your weekly tradition of ordering take out and watching a movie.

'definitely italian. we've already had japanese for the past four days. I need something else for a change,' kevin complained and shuddered at the thought of having to eat sushi again. the japanese restaurant prepared absolutely delicious food but he just couldn't stand it anymore.

you laughed at his pained facial expression. 'fine, italian it is.'

within twenty minutes the doorbell rang and after about half a minute kevin came back with two huge boxes.

he opened them on the small table situated in front of your couch and the smell of freshly cooked pasta seasoned with basil made your stomach growl.

kevin wanted to dig in already but you stopped him. you had to choose a movie first.

'let's watch tall girl. I saw everyone hate on it on tiktok,' you suggested.

'I think we should watch 365 days, that was all over my for you page as well,' kevin argued. you hadn't heard of it so you weren't sure whether it would be the right movie for you. the rule was that it had to be as bad as possible.

'according to what I have heard, it's apparently even worse than 50 shades of grey,' kevin added which piqued your interest. the both of you had watched 50 shades about two months ago and you were honestly shocked by how awful it actually was. you couldn't understand why everyone had been so obsessed with it when it was first released. if 356 days was really worse, then you'd hit the jackpot. you clapped your hands.

'fine, you win. I swear if the movie isn't as horrible as you say it is then you owe me something!' he intertwined his pinky with yours to promise.

watching horrible movies was way better than watching good ones. making fun of bad storylines, stupid characters or horrible editing was one of your favorite past times.

'I guess I'll have to add are you lost, baby girl to the top 10 worst lines ever spoken. who thought ah yes this is sexy, let's have him repeat it over and over again', you complained, shoving some pasta into your mouth.

'so he's like I won't do anything without your permission while he is literally groping her boobs against her will, like make it make sense, massimo', added kevin, ruffling his hair in frustration. he almost completely forgot about the food.

'so let me get this straight: he drugged her, kidnapped her, tied her up, hung up a painting of her just because he saw her face when his dad was shot?'

'totally relatable.' both of you giggled.

you were enjoying complaining about the plot. it was horrible.

there were plenty of erotic scenes but they were honestly so funny and kinda gross that you could bare it without really being affected by them. kevin, on the other hand, had placed a pillow over his hard-on to hide the embarrassing fact that these terrible, smutty scenes had turned him on.

and then the infamous boat scene came.

massimo and laura had a huge fight, she fell of the boat, he saved her and now she was suddenly so in love with him that she begs him to fuck her. which he does.

you felt your panties become increasingly wet as the couple had steaming hot sex.

'this is embarrassing but I'm so horny,' you admitted but in a way that should have suggested that you meant it as a joke. something about this statement stirred something in kevin.

'well, what can I say?' he replied and lifted the pillow. your pupils widened at the sight of your best friend's bulge.

his eyes darkened and he looked at you with lust clearly written on his face. you reciprocated his stare with the same intensity. you tried to focus on his dark brown orbs instead of his boner but the image you had just seen was present in your mind.

his gaze shifted to your lips and, before you knew it, kevin climbed above you and pressed your back flat onto the couch.

your lips locked and you immediately buried your hands in his hair to pull him closer. you moved in sync, his lips fitting perfectly onto yours. you bucked your hips up against his crotch and earned a moan from kevin. he opened his eyes in shock as realization hit him. he quickly pulled away and jumped off the coach.

'I'm so sorry, y/n. I shouldn't have just done that. I don't know what came over me,' he apologized profusely, staring at his feet. did he really think that you didn't want this?

'give me your hand,' you told him and held out your hand.

'why?' he raised his eyebrows in confusion. you rolled your eyes.

'just do it.'

you took his hand and led it to your crotch.

'what are you- oh my god.' your juices had completely soaked through your panties and your sweatpants. 'you are so wet.'

'for you,' you added. 'there's no need to apologize. I'm literally begging you to continue.'

you didn't have to say that twice before he pulled you closer to him by your hips and engaged you in another desperate kiss. his hands were groping your butt while you let yours slide under his hoodie. you felt his naked skin and toned abs, as you rubbed his stomach. you lowered your hands and bravely palmed his boner through his clothes.

'y/n,' he hissed out against your lips. you hooked your thumbs in the elastic of his pants and underwear, and pushed the material down to his thighs. he struggled to get them off.

you stroked his hard dick as he slipped his hand into your panties to massage your pussy at the same time.

he slipped one finger inside and began working it in and out. you finally were getting the relief you had been desperately craving for for so long. kevin was skilled and your walls were trying to swallow his slim finger. you were quickly coming close to your orgasm after having abstained for more than a year. you pulled his hand out.

'I bet you can make me come even better with your dick,' you challenged kevin.

'you bet I will.' he was confident.

'let me just look for a condom.' he was already turning away to go search in his room but you held him back by the arm.

'forget about it. I'm on the pill and I want you raw. I want you to come inside me and not spill into a stupid condom.'

the idea of this sounded very tempting to kevin. he picked you up and threw you back onto the couch, drawing your hips closer to him so he could pull off all the pieces of clothing that were hindering him from accessing your pussy.

he propped up his arms next to your sides and spread your thighs apart. strings of arousal were hanging from your folds and he saw your hole desperately clench around nothing. his dick hurt from how much he wanted to finally be inside of you. he wanted to find out how close he had been able to imagine how you would feel around him.

your hole took him in easily, welcoming him happily by embracing it tightly. kevin swore he could've cum right here and there.

he went slow at first to give you a chance to adjust but you were already fully ready, rocking your hips forward to meet his thrusts.

he crashed your mouths together and you kissed him like he was oxygen and you were short of air. you smiled and your eyes rolled back, satisfied with how things had played out today and the prospects of coming looked fairly promising.

desperate for release, kevin picked up the pace, his eyes closed while fucking into you like a horny animal. he couldn't help himself and all the 'faster's and 'harder's spilling from your mouth only encouraged him to drive himself deeper into you.

you wrapped your legs around his torso in an attempt to regain the control you were losing.

'fuck fuck fuck,' you cursed, feeling your muscles starting to contract. kevin brushed away some hair that was stuck to your sweaty forehead.

'it's fine, I'm coming too,' he announced and it took only a few more thrusts before a body shaking orgasm flushed over you, making you see only white. this drove kevin over the edge too and he spilled inside you, filling you up with his hot cum. he continued to slowly ease his dick in and out of you, fucking his semen right back into you until you had ridden out both of your orgasms. he let himself fall onto the couch right next to you, panting hard.

'I very much needed this,' you sighed in content.

'same, I wasn't sure whether I could hold out any longer without having a proper orgasm.' he watched his cum drip out of you.

'we should've thought of this sooner,' you said. 'this was a great idea.'

kevin hummed in agreement.

***

so now you and kevin were having sex on a regular basis, your high score being five times in a day. it felt good to finally live out your sexuality and not having to restrict yourself. sure, you guys did it more than necessary but it was a great way to pass time and it felt fucking amazing.

today you had done it in the shower after waking up, then on the kitchen counter and you had just finished having sex in his bed.

he was spooning you from behind, his cock still placed inside of you. he nuzzled his nose into your neck.

'stop, that tickles,' you chuckled.

'sorry.'

after a while of comfortable silence you heard him let out a big sigh.

'what's wrong?' you asked as he pulled out of you. you turned around to be able to look at him.

'I don't think I can do it like this anymore,' he confessed.

'what do you mean?' you asked. 'are you talking about us having sex?'

he nodded. your heart dropped and you started feeling dizzy. you tried to search for answers in his eyes but he avoided looking at you.

'w-why?' you stuttered, trying to hold back the tears that were welling up in your eyes.

'it was amazing at first,' he started and finally raised his head to meet your gaze, 'and I went into it without much thought. I went crazy during quarantine and began fantasizing about having sex with you. then it became reality but now I understand that was probably wrong of me. I've always thought of myself as a gentleman, yet I slept with you without much thought. you see, my issue is this…'

suspense hung in the air and you were impatiently waiting for him to get to the point.

'I like you.'

you quietly gasped in surprise. you had been expecting him to say you were bad at sex and that he regretted everything but not this.

'I shouldn't be sleeping with you unless you were my girlfriend,' he finished off his ramble. you felt immensely relieved.

'do you want me to?' you asked him.

'want you to what?' kevin was confused. he had been a hundred percent sure you'd immediately jump out of the bed in disgust when he confessed.

'be your girlfriend. after all, I like you too, you moron.' you realized that you had known this for a while. you might have even been crushing on your best friend since way before the pandemic struck but it was kind of hard to track your feelings. still, you were sure you liked him too. now that he had admitted his feelings, you were able to admit yours not only to him but to yourself as well.

'wow, I didn't expect this,' kevin confessed surprised. you laughed.

'yeah, we should've realized this sooner.' he pulled you closer and kissed you. it was different than the other times. his lips moved softly against yours, in contrast to all of your rough and passionate kisses you had exchanged these past few weeks. he conveyed his emotions through the kiss.

'you're ready again?' you groaned as you felt kevin's dick harden against your upper thigh. he chuckled.

'sorry, you just turn me on so much.'

so then you did it for the fourth time. that day, you set a new record of having sex six times. you might have been happy now but still just as horny.