#my grandfather's in the hospital AND my mom's car got totaled AND my dog had to go to the emergency vet today

[etoile-gracieuse]

made myself mad (saw stupid twitter discourse calling real life people "minor-coded" for being short and or baby faced/calling real life regular degular ass relationships between ppl the Same Age predatory for said "minor-coded"-ness and felt the top of my head blow off like a looney tunes character) and typed out a post abt it except then real life hit. and i remembered that actually whatever 14 year olds are saying on twitter Does Not Fucking Matter

[taramaclaywasaterf]

Hey guys, I know I said I was taking a break. And I am. I’m not actually, like, back back. I just need to vent, I guess.

For those who don’t know, my grandfather committed suicide. He’d been battling lung and stomach cancer for years, and the pain had gotten so unbearable that I guess he couldn’t take it anymore. He’d been in and out of the hospital for years, and the whole month leading up to his death, he was home maybe 4 nights total, the rest spent in the hospital. My dad found him. We’ve been grieving together. It’s been hard.

My family doesn’t really get along that well. Basically just me and one of my cousins are really close, but that's it. My grandfather was kinda the glue that was keeping everyone together. His death was kind of like the final string that was tying us all together being severed.

I don’t know. The police had to come. It was really really bad. They had to make sure he wasn’t murdered.

I just hope it was quick. I hope he’s with my grandmother now. That she was waiting for him on the other side, wherever that may be. That he’s not in any pain anymore. That he knows I love him so fucking much.

As for me, I just feel…I just feel fucking numb. This happened two days after the anniversary of the death of my best friend, and less than a month after the death of Trevor Moore, a comedian whose sketches made me laugh during the worst times of my childhood and whose sudden death really fucked me up.

I kinda just shut down. I didn’t really cry at all the first day. The second day all I did was cry. After that, its like my body physically stopped letting me feel anything at all. I’m just numb. And tired. And my fucking head hasn’t stopped hurting.

I walked around his house and got some things I wanted. Some old photos. Cards I made him when I was little that he kept all these years. Some love notes my grandmother wrote him when they were young. His favorite hat. I found a photo from his wedding to my grandmother, and its now hanging above my bed. Its crazy how much I look like her. How happy he looked to have her in his arms.

I also brought home his cat. I was terrified he wouldn’t fit in with my two cats and dog. But after a bit of a shaky start, and a lot of hours spent sitting with him trying to get him to trust me, he’s settled in. My grandpa rescued him from a shelter when he was a few years old. He loved my grandfather more than anything. I can tell he’s still mourning him, like we all are. But I like to think we’ve been helping each other get through it. I hope my grandfather knows I have him. That he’s not going anywhere. That he’s safe with me, and he’s happy and warm and loved. He’s curled up on my lap right now as I write this. He’s purring quietly.

I miss him. I wish I told him more that I love him. I wish I spent more time with him. I wish I could’ve at least said goodbye. I’ve been through a lot of grief in my life, and it never fucking gets easier. I wish I could take this feeling out of me leave it somewhere for a while. I wish I could fix things. I wish my dad didn’t have to see what he saw. I wish I could make it better for him. I wish this wasn’t how things were.

As for how I am right now, well, I’m laughing. Hysterically. And crying. A lot. I took a break writing this post because it was getting too hard, so I distracted myself by watching dumb videos on my phone. Until this video of Trevor Moore popped up in my Youtube recommended:

And now I genuinely can’t fucking stop laughing. Like, holy fucking shit, Trevor. You really had a way of making jokes that are flat out prophetic, huh? Here I’ve been, on the verge of relapse for the past month over how bad your death fucked ME up, and here you are, years ago, calling me out for how completely and utterly ridiculous I am. And the fact that I’m even writing THIS right NOW makes it even worse! Look at me, acting as if you fucking died to make me learn a fucking lesson! As if my own fucking grandfather died to make me appreciate life more! As if my best friend wrapped her goddamn car around a tree just to make me realize how precious fucking friendships are! As if the entire fucking universe revolves around deliberately fucking my life up! Its pathetic! Its fucking tragic and fucked up and absolutely mind-blowingly fucking pathetic! And yet here I am, writing on the fucking internet to you, Trevor, still doing the same fucking thing! And I can't fucking stop laughing, because this is the most Trevor fucking thing I can possibly think of!

Like. I don’t even know what to do anymore, guys. I know I said I’d be taking a break, and I still am. I just needed to get this out. I don’t want to bother my friends with it, they’re worried enough about me as it is right now. They're kinda treating me as if I'm made of glass right now, which I understand, but its still frustrating. I know they just want me to be ok, and just want to keep me from doing anything stupid and fucking up my life again, but still. Being treated like a paper doll at a waterpark is getting tiring. I guess it just speaks to how entirely not-great I'm doing- that even my closest friends aren't making jokes about this shit- they're acting like I'm some fragile fucking child. But yeah.

Again, I know they mean well, and they just really don't want to see me get sucked down into that fucking void again, but I want to be distracted from all the fucked up things in my life. I want to laugh about it, and not be constantly fucking reminded of how bad things are every time I catch them looking at me like I'm some sad little puppy dog they found on the side of the road.

Oh! to top it all off, I got a letter in the mail yesterday. From my mother. Who I haven't spoken to in around a decade, because she was an abusive addict who made my childhood hell. She wants to have fucking coffee and "catch up." Jesus fucking christ, why now. Seriously. Why fucking now? Nothings been released publicly about my grandfather yet- the only people who know about it is immediate family, and everyone on my dad's side of the family fucking hates my mom almost as much as I do, so there is no way in hell anyone told her about it. So this is just a total coincidence. A giant fucking cosmic "fuck you." (Oh, look, there I go again thinking my existence is meaningful enough to the entire enormity of the universe that it would target me specifically to fuck with! Jesus fucking christ!) Like, I swear to god this fucking woman has some sort of alarm in her brain that says "oh hey, my daughter is at one of the the lowest points in her life?? Time to drop on by and say hello!!!!"

Just...I don't even know. Fuck. I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna get through all this shit, yall.

Well. Anyway. Thats it for now.

Find Kony 2012, I guess.

[dearest-alexander]

You Are The Reason Chapter III (Tom Holland x Reader fanfiction)

Summary: "I could be anything in the world, yet I wanted to be yours. But you don’t love me yet…or do you?“ The whole world thought you’re together but something’s stopping you, something’s stopping him.

Summary Chapter:  Volunteering for a good cause had never been this rewarding and humbling yet.. 

YOUR POV

I’ve been friends with Gabrielle ever since I could remember. My early childhood pictures were not complete without her in it . She was also with me during the funeral of my grandfather. I remember how her small chubby  hands tightly meshed with mine as they lower down his coffin. Even at such a young age, she was intuitive, benevolent and selfless. Whenever I fell down and scratched my knee, she will rub my back to soothe me until our moms came hand in hand with the first aid kit.  Those were the very reasons I knew why she’s gonna be a brilliant doctor. We remained in contact even after I migrated to London with my parents..

WhenI got my big break for a movie project, we celebrated together all night, just the two of us, drinking red wine straight from the bottle on her rented spacious one-bedroom studio. When I mentioned to her that I’ll be coming in the States from time to time to fulfill a handful of job offers, she was over the moon, and so am I. She drove me on my US auditions, lingered in the waiting room until I was finished for day . That’s where she met Harrison and Tom who I’ve been friends with already.

Living alone in an almost foreign soil, even just for a few months, made me miss my England even more. Hotel rooms weren’t envisaging homeliness. Back then, Gabby’s still living an hour away from me, a moderate distance from where she’s finishing her studies. After 6 months however, she was designated here in the city for her residency. I begged her to stay with me since we’re practically in each other’s presence whenever none of us were occupied. She happily settled on the spare ample space beneath my bedroom and was in charge when I’ll be flying back home to St. James’

When I earned enough money for a semi-permanent place here in LA, we roamed the city by ourselves. The need to prove myself  that I could do one adult thing in my life simmered intently on my bones. I good-heartedly declined offers, no special treatments from anyone on my team which they respected . She, who without doubt, the more “grown up” one between the two of us, would take a step in front of me whenever she felt like agents, realtors and sellers were being greedy and pushy.. I was gullible to such sly advancements, therefore on the third day, Gabby insisted that I should just let her negotiate since she knew how Americans think nowadays and I’m basically an alien.  Therefore, under the blistering Californian sun, Gabby and I wandered and ended up on an empty yet maintained and recently sold loft in this part of the city.  

The apartment’s high ceiling drew the illusion of expansiveness. Her mom being an owner of an Interior Design firm in San Diego, arranged the place to complement our boho chic and industrial design preference. The kitchen, with its wooden paneled cabinets and marble countertop  contrasted with the interior’s  black hardwood floors. The 360view of the city windows allowed natural light to seep through the crack in the grey curtains and when the night time comes, we could properly see the vibrant spectacles of the city.  The formerly study area was converted as Gabby’s room and the loft bedroom with black-framed floor to ceiling glass walls remained as my room. The stark white and soundproof walls proved to be more useful especially to the foul noises coming from the living room.

“Die, Die! Die! You bastard!” I stood up, shouted aggressively as I pressed my fingers harder on the console with obvious determination.

“Ohh! Such profanity! You kiss your mum with that mouth?” Tom retorted back below me, his ambidextrous fingers made hurried clicking noises with his as well. He’s leaning his elbows on his denim-covered knees, both of us transfixed on the television and the joysticks in between our resolute hands.

“Oh, piss off!” I responded pointedly, resuming my seat beside him.

It’s not unusual for Tom and Harrison  to be here early in the morning. Our days wasted away like this every single time we’re not working. They’ll  show up a minute after 8 am and sometimes with a sprightly Tessa. On a number of circumstances, when either men are too exhausted and drowsy to drive  we just let them crash in the couch. Tom at least. Below him would be Tessa on the extra dog bed I purchased just for her. Most times, my dog betrayed me and joined them downstairs, not wanting to part with his playmates.

Therefore, on this  humid Sunday morning, two weeks since the awards night, we’re indulging in  a video game he just bought, a game we’ve both been dying to get. I lost track of the time after Tom’s second win. I don’t usually mind losing, but with him, it’s  a whole different story.

Unbeknownst to the unlocking sound of the entrance door, we sat on the edge of our seats occasionally throwing in congenial insults to each other, someone entered the premise. An ineffable thing you learn when you live with someone, you can actually tell when they arrived by the sound of their footsteps or by the sound of their sighs when they breathe. A set of keys jangled into the plate that says “Keys” on the foyer table. Both our dogs, who were resting underneath the coffee table at the center of the room, rushed to the door. Four greeting barks.

Gabby entered with both her hands bearing two brown grocery bags and lightly slammed the door with her foot. I couldn’t see her but that’s what I was imagining her doing.  

“Hey guys!” we could hear her shout breathily  from the kitchen. “Hey doggos! You want cookies?”

Tom and I answered with an absentminded “Hey!” Our laser focused attention not wavering off from the game.

“There’s a minor collision five streets away, that’s why we took a little longer than usual.” I heard her opened  the jar of cookies for the dogs then cans and bags of chips hit the marbled countertop of our kitchen.

“Uh-huh.” I said lazily, biting my lip as I try to come up with a strategy to my game.

“Where’s Harrison?” Tom slightly turned his body towards her voice, his eyes remained in front.  Her response drifted off as I saw Tom’s team finally found my troop’s headquarters, guns and bombs on hand.

“Why do you  make it so easy? Might as well give me that 50 right now.” I could hear the complacence in his voice. He slanted his body as he stirred his avatar’s car to the left and get out of it.

“You wish, Holland.”

“.... Speaking of which, you guys better be rea........ oh cmon!” Gabby continued. I heard the soft patters of her socked feet against the unblemished hardwood floors to where Tom and I were currently and comfortably lounging. A bowl of half-finished dry cheerios and four empty cans of juice on the wooden coffee table. The dogs had resumed their last position all the while staring at Gabby, waiting for another set of cookies.

“Really? For four hours now?” she breathed incredulously. Her arms folded impatiently on her chest.  I could feel the deathly glares on the back of our heads, I can’t risk confirming it by looking back. Tom’s avatar was circling back around the curb, right where I want him. I pressed a few buttons as I choose my killing weapon.

“You even haven’t taken a bath yet!!!” Her remark barely passing my ears as I quickly press the buttons of the joystick. She rounded from our backs to get a good look at our impaled positions on the sofa... or for us to take her disapproving annoyance.

“ I already did! Leave me alone!” Tom sounded like a teenager scolded by his mom for not cleaning his room. He was dressed effortlessly in his plain black shirt, jeans and his dark sneakers by the door, the curls on his head untamed.

“I’m not talking to you, idiot.” I could feel the penetrating and accusatory daggers she’s sending my way..

“C’mon guys, the program is in--- she glanced down at her watch—two hours. We have to drive there for an hour. Who knows if it’s gonna be totally jammed right now.” She demanded and stood by the accent chairs on our right side. Gabby doesn’t like being late.

As a favour to Harrison, Tom and I had agreed to join both of them in Gabby’s  hospitals’ feeding program, where she is currently a third year resident. Although her hospital’s a few blocks from here, the program will take place on the outskirts of the city, right where impoverished  US citizens are deprived. They needed extra pairs of volunteering hands as it was said to be a big annual event. Harrison popped the question while we’re all having dinner, because, even through the years of our friendship, he and Gabby were reluctant to take advantage of their status with that being close friends with Tom and I. They never asked us for help with anything hence, Tom and I were absolutely delighted to oblige.

“5 minutes, Gabs.” I promised half- heartedly, getting excited to rub  my brewing win to Tom’s smug face. “Besides I could get ready in like... ten minutes.” I  confidently reasoned back, still not looking her way. She exhaled and strode in front of us, blocking our view from the television mounted on the wall, her diminutive hands on her hips. Tom and I moved our heads synchronously on either side of her to watch the penultimate team battle with which we’re both engaged in.

“Look, thank you so much for doing this thing with me, and I love you both even more for it, but you’ve been playing since this morning.” She’s eyeing me heavily. Gabby did sound reasonable. As always. I hate it sometimes.

Tom’s persistent hands on his console receded, letting Gabby’s words sink in. His  attention affected from Gabby’s reason. With a gruff, “Tell me again, why am I going.” We stretched our necks, trying to find a better angle from Gabby’s impeding and unwavering authoritative stance in front.

“....Because you’re a good human being and you’re eternally grateful for Gabby’s existence and her relationship with your best mate that ended all those gay rumours a few years ago?” I stated in monotonous voice.

“On point.” Without taking our eyes off of the screen and for a second of truce, he raised his right hand to give me a high five, I struck it with my left.

We heard another commotion by the door and the dogs, once again, addressed the newcomer.

“Don’t tell me you idiots are still playing, we have to leave in 15 minutes! And it’s been two hours since we left!” Harrison reprimanded softly  and stopped at the back of the couch.. He then leaned  his elbows on the cushion behind and in between Tom and I. He too, tries to get a decent view of the LCD.

“So..who’s winning?” he excitedly added. If Gabby is the austere mom, Harrison is the fun dad, whereas Tom and I are the juvenile delinquents. I smiled despite myself, inching my way to the right end of the sofa, Tom doing the same thing on his left.

“Harrison!” Gabby all but shrieked at Harrison who chuckled.

“Right, right. Sorry babe.” He cleared his throat and I saw Gabby nod before Harrison walked out of the room.  Or so I thought.

“I’m coming for you Holla---hey! Hey! What are you doing!”

In a flush of movements, Harrison’s tall stature was in front of me, his forearms going under my leggings as he hauled me over his right shoulder like a sack of flour. Earning an adamant and incredulous protest from me.I saw  Tom’s right hand halted on his controller, his hands splayed out for a second of discombobulation as to why his opponent’s avatar suddenly stopped firing in the middle of the game, and then he noticed the hilarity of my position on his bestfriend’s shoulder. Instantly, he grabbed his phone on the carpeted floor of the living room, joystick laid on the table.

“Hey! Put me down jerk!! Harrison! Put me down this instant!” I ejaculated, pouncing on his broad back in futile attempts. He walked over and gave a peck to a smiling and proud Gabby. ‘Thanks babe.”

I groaned. “Tom! Help me!” Harrison gripped my shins together to stop me from squirming.  I cried out from my mortifying situation to Tom who completely abandoned the game I was wining. He positioned himself into a more comfortable way on the sofa, one of his foot under thigh and in both of his hands, his camera phone shook with laughter. My dog stood, confused and followed  Harrison’s shoulder. He placed his two front paws on Harrison’s back, making sure I wasn’t in trouble of any kind then back down on all fours again. Gabby stepped behind him, giving my dog a loving pat on the head.

The phone on Tom’s hand followed our movements as Harrison started to move away to literally drag my ass up to, I presume, Gabby and mine’s shared bathroom across to the kitchen.

“Sorry mate, he’s a.. um... a bit tall!” his hand tried to hold his phone while he continues to howl and shake in laughter. I slumped and pressed down my reddening face on Harrison’s back, defeated.

“This is absurd, you’re dead Harrison! You all are! I’m gonna kick you once I’m down from here. “ I looked up from Harrison’s Latissimus Dorsi  to threaten Tom and Gabby who were now practically skipping very much alike Snow White’s seven dwarves.

“Oh, wow, you really can be feisty. A few more minutes into that game and you’ll be saying the F word. “ I felt Harrison’s amused laugh from behind his nape which I’m currently glaring at.

“Told yah!” Tom interjected, chuckling before putting down his phone and barging in the kitchen.

Harrison dropped me with ease outside the bathroom door. He gave me an apologizing yet humorous smirk. I scowled at him.

“Hey! I’m just doing what she told me to!” He argued, his palms in mock surrender.

“Nah, you’re just a sap when it comes to my bestfriend. “ I replied with a chuckle as He took two steps into the open kitchen to resume helping Gabby who was already unpacking the rest of the items on our countertop, her back to us.

“And proud to be......not very unlike yourself. “He jokingly winked back at me, the last part barely a whisper. His head turned back to where Tom was pand my eyes took a cautious glimpse as he lingered by the opened fridge, humming to himself while he looked for a lunch snack, too concentrated on the task at hand to hear us. Our dogs, on their tails behind him. Harrison’s smile couldn’t get any nastier when he followed my eyes.. He reached out and ruffled my hair like an annoying big brother would.  I swatted his hand away. Gabby turned around at the sound of my groan, oblivious to me and her boyfriend’s silent exchange.

“What are you still standing there for? “ she asked rhetorically. With this, Tom looked at our direction and regarded us with a suspicious look, two greek yogurts on his hands.

“Your robe’s already inside. 10 minutes.” Gabby pointed to the bathroom subsequently unloading the last items inside the brown bag and stacking them into the customized Pantry cabinet under the staircase.

“Urgh. Yes Mum.” With a roll my eyes, I dragged my feet and closed the door behind an amused Harrison and bossy Gabby, and hungry Tom.

I put my hand under the running shower, testing the temperature first before going under. Not long did the rapid stream of lukewarm water drowned out the voices from the other side of the room and I was made aware of my solitude.

The past weeks regressed  to our normal mundane routine. Everyone has work for a few more weeks, til we fly back home to England with the exception of Gabby. Tom, Harrison and I hang out during the day, if we’re all unoccupied, doing chores or anything to keep ourselves amused.  Gabby will join us later in the afternoon or early in the evening, depending on her shift.

My mind drifted back to the brunet on the other side of the wall. He must be halfway through his-my- greek yogurt by now.

I caught the upward motion of my lips as I recall the ease that re-settled over us after the revel weeks ago.

I nervously threaded my fingers through my hair as Gabby and I sauntered to where Tom was animatedly chatting with Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield backstage. His team including Harrison was already there. Gabby gave me a sideway smirk. “What?”

Tobey and Andrew gave Tom one-armed hug as they said their goodbyes. When both gentlemen were out of sight, Gabby pulled Tom’s head under and between her armpits and messed his hair. “How dare you make me cry Holland!” Instinctively, Harrison caught the carved bronze sculpture that Tom is giving him. Gabby’s headlock never loosened . He could easily remove himself from the situation yet chosen not to.

When she let him go, Tom stretched his suit. “Crybaby.” He sneered at Gabby who poked out her tongue on him. Tom stepped into my open arms as I engulfed him in another congratulatory hug again.

“Was I ok?” he whispered against my naked shoulder, the contact made tiny tsunamis on my stomach.

Still within his embrace, “You were more than that.” I breathed to his ear. Then in a nescient and brazen move, I pressed a long kiss to the chiseled cheek I could reach.

I switched off the shower’s knob and coiled my hair in the towel I used for drying myself. I put my robe on and wiped the fog that clouded the mirror. I stared at my mouth as I recite the following words:

Tom and I are good friends. Just that. I don’t need to overthink it.  Stop overthinking it, alright?!” My reflection nodded and smiled.

Albeit, in the deepest and unexplored corner of my mind, a prisoner impatiently and furiously banged on the metal bars holding her captive.

The jazz music loomed over the ubiquitous speakers of the entire flat. The boys were in the kitchen, leaning on the countertop, heels crossed with each other. Their reflex turned to the opening creaks of the bathroom door; Harrison’s spoon and Tom’s doughnut halfway to their mouths. Tom immediately turned his back the other way while Harrison, nonchalantly looked down and continued to eat his food. Head bobbing in tune with the music. Tom elbowed him and he protested a “Bruv?” yogurt still on his tongue.

The dogs chased me as I ran up to my room, thinking I was in a gaming mood. I dressed myself in a button down long sleeves and tucked it in my best fitted jeans. I grabbed the small backpack on the floor before barging down the stairs. I’m anew and ready to go.

“I kept my word, 10 minutes!” Two men looked up from their phones for a minute and muttered a small and deadpanned “Yey!” I jogged down the stairs with two dogs right behind me. Gabby was nowhere in sight. I plopped down on the three-seater-couch beside Tom who was reading something on his phone. His dog nudged her head on his knees and took a seat beside his feet. She lie down on her back as his human started rubbing his socked feet on her warm belly. Though his face remained in a determined concentration, he clasped his free hand on my ankle when I pulled it up over his thighs naturally.

My flatmate must have cleaned the table while I was in the bath. Everything was in orderly fashion again like some page from an Interior Design magazine. The decorative vignettes that I removed on the table while I was playing with Tom was reinstated. Which made me look for the video game console strewn  under the 64 inches television.

“Oi! Where did our game go?” I exhorted at the two men beside me.

“Gabby confiscated them and locked it in her room. Apparently, she can’t trust me and Tom with it.” Harrison supplied, dropping his phone on the coffee table. “Which reminds me... I need a favour from you. Both of you.”  He uttered in an undertone.  

With this, Me and Tom edged our bodies closer to where Harrison was sitting but Tom still holding on to both my feet.

“I don’t wanna kick you out of your own house mate, but um.. Can me and Gabby have this place for tonight? She doesn’t know but I planned something for her.” He confessed in a timid voice that I can’t help but smile.

“What? What did you plan to do?” Tom queried, excitement in his tone.

“Git! Don’t ask that! Don’t tell us!” I lightly smacked Tom’s head and frowned at him.

“Why do you always assume that I’m gonna do something promiscuous?” Glaring at Tom’s sheepish grin.

“Well, aren’t you gonna? “ we both raised our eyebrows at him.

“No! Well, yeah maybe....I got her a necklace, that’s all. And I planned to cook for her tonight. “ Harrison explained bashfully.

“What’s wrong with our place?” Tom chided, sounding butt-hurt

“Well, do we have a perfectly functioning oven?” Harrison accused

“Um.. no..” Tom grumbled.

“Do we have, I don’t know romantic high ceilings?” Harrison gestured dramatically over the modern drop lights above our 4-seater dining table.

“Well, no.”

“Is our flat clean?”

“Absolutely not.” Tom jested, Harrison’s facts dawning on him.

“Harrison, I got you. Let me grab an overnight bag.” I winked at him, stood up and shuffled his blonde hair.

“Thank you!!! You can sleep in my room.”  He smiled up at me.

I was rounding the dining table when I heard Tom complained,

“Uh no way man, We don’t know what kinds of shit are in your room. She’ll sleep in mine and I’ll sleep in yours.” Tom disclosed, laying his entire body on the spot I just vacated.  Harrison threw a nearby pillow on his face.

I packed lightly, just a two sets of clothes for later when I shower and for tomorrow. Gabby reemerged for her room, wearing a plain white deep v-neck shirt, jeans and ankle boots.

“What are you doing with an overnight bag?” She asked, noticing the duffle bag on my shoulder. Before I could lie,

“We’ll continue our game at me and Harrison’s place tonight.” Tom shuffled from the hall, wiping his hands with the dish towel and I could see the dogs bent over two food bowls in the kitchen.

“Why can’t you do it here?”

“Because, you’re gonna be here. We can’t concentrate if you’re just gonna peek out and shout from  your room every now and then. And you have work tomorrow.” Tom shrugged.

“Good point.” Gabby frowned in agreement.

“Oh and I’m gonna bring my baby too. The vet said that I should keep an eye on him." That part was wholly true. I stretched an elbow on Tom’s shoulders and stared back at Gabby, acting natural as possible. Which is funny, considering Tom and I were such professional liars.

“Ok fine.  Guys, Listen up. This is the plan.” She clapped her hands, the action reminded me of a soccer coach about to give his students a pep talk before a big game.

“It’s 12:14, we have be at the tents by 2pm. We’re gonna load those boxes on the car, Harrison would drive. We’re gonna drop the dogs to your apartment, 10 blocks away, maybe it'll take just 10 minutes tops and off we go. Capisce?” she said in one breath.

“Maam, yes, maam!”

[donghun-s]

the very large sp3arb tag

so @sp3arb has tagged me in a total four tags recently and i’m finally getting around to all of them!! tysm for all the tags, meri (btw i love your name?? i think its super cute!) and i hope you learn a bunch of unnecessary stuff abt me lmao (under the cut bc this is a long ass post)

i dont have a name for this tag

1ST RULE: Tag 9 people you want to get to know better

im not tagging anyone bc im bad at things and most ppl i wanna know about, meri has already tagged so

2ND RULE: BOLD the statements that are true.

APPEARANCE: - I am 5'7 or taller - I wear glasses - I have at least one tattoo - I have at least one piercing - I have blonde hair - I have brown eyes - I have short hair - My abs are at least somewhat defined - I have or had braces

PERSONALITY: - I love meeting new people - People tell me I am funny - Helping others with their problems is a big priority of mine - I enjoy physical challenges - I enjoy mental challenges - I am playfully rude to people I know- I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it - There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY: - I can sing well - I can play an instrument - I can do over 30 pushups without stopping - I am a fast runner - I can draw well - I have a good memory - I am good at doing maths in my head - I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute - I have beaten at least 2 people arm wrestling - I can make at least 3 recipes from scratch - I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES: - I enjoy sports - I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else - I’m in a orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else - I have learned a new song in the past week - I exercise at least once a week - I have gone for runs at least once a week in warmer months - I have drawn something in the past month - I enjoy writing - Fandoms are my #1 priority  - I do some form of Martial arts

EXPERIENCES: - I have had my first kiss - I have had alcohol - I have scored a winning point in a sport - I have watched an entire TV series in one sitting - I have been at an overnight event - I have been in a taxi - I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year - I have beaten a video game in one day - I have visited another country - I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

MY LIFE: - I have one person that I consider to be my Best Friend - I live close to my school/work - My parents are still together - I have at least one sibling - I live in the United States - There is snow where I live right now - I have hung out with a friend in the past month - I have a smart phone - I own at least 15 CDs - I share my room with someone

RELATIONSHIPS: - I am in a Relationship - I have a crush on a celebrity - I have a crush on someone I know - I’ve been in at least 3 relationships - I have never been in a Relationship - I have admitted my feelings to a crush - I get crushes easily - I have had a crush for over a year - I have been in a relationship for over a year - I have had feelings for a friend

RANDOM: - I have break-danced - I know a person named Jamie  - I have had a teacher that has a name that is hard to pronounce - I have dyed my hair - I’m listening to a song on repeat right now - I have punched someone in the past week - I know someone who has gone to jail - I have broken a bone - I have eaten a waffle today - I know what I want to do in life - I speak at least two languages [i don’t speak two, i speak one and sign in another] - I have made a new friend in the past year

alphabet tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better

I was tagged by Roxanne ( is it ok if I call you Roxy? I like Roxy) Actually @lxx-fxlix  And for some reason it did not give me the notification you did, I was casually stalking your blog when I saw:

A: age? 16 (01 liner)

B: birthplace? North Carolina

C: current time? 7:53 pm

D: drink you had last? Arnold Palmer (half sweet tea, half lemonade)

E: easiest person to talk to? for me, it’s my irl best friend gwen and my best friend on here, krys

F: favorite song? oof i’m super indecisive so i’m just gonna commit to mayday by got7 (it always changes but mayday has stayed on my constantly rotating playlist for nearly six months now; most are on for six weeks, max)

G: grossest memory? uh probably when one of my swim lesson kids tried to eat a bug (they were like four) and i had to make them spit it out into my hands 

H: hogwarts house? proud slytherin!!

I: in love? i love a lot of people, but i’m not IN love

J: jealous of people? not anymore, my self-esteem has gotten so much better in past years

K: killed someone? uhm a couple of times in fics (*cough* jinjin in not like this *cough*)

L: love at first sight or should i walk by again? not love but pls walk by again bc i’m probably enjoying your aesthetics

M: middle name? christine

N: number of siblings? one, an older sister

O: one wish? to adopt a kid with no family or an unhealthy one (obvs when  older and financially stable)

P: person you called last? my sister called me yesterday morning, and before that i had called my friend to tell him abt a near death experience when i was driving

R: reasons to smile? something good will happen to you, you’ll meet someone wonderful, and there’s always new experiences to happen

S: song you sang last? poet by bastille (an underrated fave)

T: time you woke up? about 8 am

U: underwear color? light heathered grey

V: vacation destination? i’d love to go to greece someday! santorini would be my first choice, and then my great-grandparents old village near thessaloniki

W: worst habit? probs my dermatillia (picking at acne on my face until it bleeds, then picking at the scabs, leaving a bunch of scars that will never go away)

X: x-rays? i got one on my tailbone one time, two years after i sprained it bc my mom didn’t believe me

Y: your favorite food? uhhh most anything tbh; i quite like the honey butter chicken sandwich from pdq

Z: zodiac sign? libra

✨ Fun Facts Tag ✨

Rules for this are:

Have fun with it!  

Tag some of your mutuals

1) Favourite colours:

orange!! and after that, any kinds of pastel or muted darks

2) Favourite song at the moment:

lotto by exo has been on replay in my head, my car, and my earbuds

3) Last book you read:

the sun and her flowers by rupi kaur

4) Last TV show you watched:

i tried to watch part-time idol bc hyunbin from jbj was in it, but within the first 15 minutes they set up an unnecessary relationship so i had to nope out of there real hard; i then reverted back to rewatching white collar for the fifth time

5) Last movie you watched:

does john mulaney’s nerflix comedy special comeback kid count?? if not, probably nightmare before christmas way back around christmastime

6) If you have a pet whats their name?:

four dogs: pheonix, kino, midge, and bess; three horses: little man, gem, and andy (ironically i’m allergic to dogs and horses, and my dad keeps buying more)

7) If you have siblings how many?:

one, my older sister

8) Favourite thing to do on a weekend:

i love doing my swim lessons and seeing all my kids!! i haven’t been able to lately bc of the weather, 

9) Best tumblr friends:

i only talk to @cheesyramynry on a daily basis, but i have a lot of blogs that i consider friendly acquaintances or casual friends as well!!

10) Favourite thing about yourself:

i value my compassion and empathy above all else; i am very much the mom friend and love to be it

11) Favourite memory:

ah i have so many; i think rn i’m gonna go with this past christmas, bc it was my last one with my grandfather

12) 3 weird habits:

swallowing gum, taking all my pills in descending size order, i tend to mimic how a singer sounds when i sing along to the song (ex: if they have a british accent, i’ll subconsciously sing in a british accent; if they stress certain syllables in certain ways, i’ll do it too)

13) What would you call your style?:

comfortable (stretchy jeans, t-shirts, hoodies) and with a few signature Gay Things (jean jacket, flannels, oversized mens’ button ups, a couple gay/bi pride shirts)

14) Odd talent:

if i have lyrics in front of me to a song i’ve never heard before, i can predict the pattern of the tunes and rhythm and sing along the first time

15) Do you have a tumblr crush?:

literally all of aroha and all of the sk fandom (y’all are the loveliest fandoms i’ve ever been a part of)

the stray kids tag

Rules: answer the questions in a new post, and tag 10 blogs you would like to get to know better.

I’ve decided that in celebration of Stray Kids pre-debut album I needed to create a tag. The ultimate goal for The Stray Kids Tag is to learn about your Tumblr mutuals, and have fun answering the Stray Kids related questions!  Here we go:

1: When did you decide to join the Stray kids fandom?

i saw a thread of information abt the suspected nine members before they were officially announced and was like ‘yes i must stan them and love them with all of my heart.’ so uh,,,,, back in august or september??

2: What is your favorite episode of Stray Kids? uhm, i’m gonna expose myself rn and let y’all know that i’ve never actually seen a full episode of the show; as soon as i heard it was gonna be a survival show, i knew that i couldn’t watch it bc my heart was too weak and i was emotionally incapable of becoming too invested while watching it; but from clips, i quite like the episode with the 3:3:3 mission, and also the last episode when all nine were reunited and told they were going to debut together

3: Who would you say is your bias in Stray kids?

my initial one was chan, and they i got rlly confused, and then slowly came to realize that it was jeongin (anything else after that is a fucking mess)

4: Who would you say is your bias wrecker in Stray kids?

literally kill me all of them bias wreck me so hard bUT hyunjin, jisung, seungmin, and chan have been wrecking me so hard in particular lately

5: What line would you want to be apart of in Stray kids? uHHH not dance line bc swimmers have 0 coordination on land; i quite like singing even tho i’m not good at, so probably that, but i can also hit all of chan’s english rap parts in 3racha songs, and keep up with lafayette’s raps in hamilton, and a lot of the english rappers i like too so uh,,, sign me up for rap line too

6: What is the first song you heard of Stray kids? hellevator

7: What is the first song you heard of 3racha? i think it was either hoodie season or runner’s high

8: What is your favorite song on their pre-debut album?

young wings or school life or yayaya (or grr or 4419 or glow or hellevator)

9: What is a concept you’d like to see Stray Kids try in the future?

i love their current optimistic and slightly rebellious teenager concept rn bc its an Eternal Mood; but i always love myself a soft boyfriend concept 

10: if you could meet with the members of Stray kids for one day what would you say to them?

how proud of them i am, and how proud of themselves they should be; i would tell them about how they’re saying things that resonate deeply for their fans and i love that they’re talking abt real world problems; i would also make sure to tell them (chan and 3racha especially) to make sure to rest more, and eat well, and take care of themselves emotionally as well as physically; and finally i’d like to tell jeongin how wonderful he is and that he’s doing so much at such a young age (lmao he’s actually eight months older than me but that’s no the point) and to never lose his cute little smile

finally done!! meri, if you actually read all of this, uh thank you????? i hope you now know everything you wanted to know abt me, and probably more than you wanted to know

i’m bad at tagging people, so if you also made it this far and haven’t done some of these tags, choose one, or a couple, or all of them and do them yourself!! just say that i tagged you!!

[venticotoure]

This day plays in my head often.    Like a sick flashback.

 It was 3 o'clock in the morning and her phone rang. I knew it was gonna ring. I slept on your side of the bed that night because I missed you and I wanted to be closer to her, but as I laid there in your bed trying to go to sleep I imagined her getting a phone call, I don't know why I knew, but it happened. I shook her awake and she answered the call, again I knew exactly what was being said into her ear. Her face confirmed it. I kicked myself out of the bed before she had the chance to relay what was happening back to me. Her voice got louder and shaky as she responded and as I was waking up my sister and my father to get in the car I heard her say “Were on our way”.

She blurted out “His heart stopped. They were doing CPR for 20 minutes. He's alive but we have to go now”. 

She could have presented those sentences in a more relaxed tone to not frighten me, being 15 and utterly terrified that I might not have a grandfather anymore. but I forgive her as she had absolutely no one else to say the sentences to. She was terrified and you were the only one who she could relay her fear to but sadly, your heart had stopped and they were doing CPR for 20 minutes and we had to go now. 

We all sleepily huddled out the garage door and piled into the 2012 white Nissan that you bought for me to drive when I would get my license. I shakily called my best friends mom. The reason being, my dad is a user and he suffers from the effects of methanphetamine so he has this dangerous habit of falling asleep anywhere at anytime. I had at first hand been a witness/passenger/survivor of him falling asleep at the wheel, and it was 3 o'clock in the morning, he's already rolled out of bed sleepy and were all in a state of panic and anxiety because your heart stopped and we were informed to rush to the hospital to see you. I called my best friends mom and I apologized for the time and I couldn't get the words out. I wanted to ask her to drive us but I just couldn't. I told her what happened and she told me she was getting my best friend and their family in the car and they would meet us at the hospital. I got into the 2012 Nissan and we drove to the hospital which was an hour away. I wanted to sleep and act like this wasn't happening but I instead I kept my eyes on my dad and punched his shoulder every time his head fell forward. I got a text from my best friend while we were halfway there. 

“Were right behind you, it’s all gonna be okay”

We made It to the hospital and we silently sped walked all the way in and reached the 4th floor. You were moved to a totally different room, one we hadn't seen before, and we've seen a lot the whole month you were in the hospital. This room was different, scarier, it gave off a “last measure” kinda vibe. We walked in and she immediately started talking to the doctors about what had happened. Me and Maddy rushed to your side and looked you up and down. You were still there, still breathing, still on a ventilator, still not awake, still not saying anything to us. But you were still there.

Courtney showed up minutes later and she stood by your wife as she spoke to the doctors because no one else was. Courtney repeated what was going on back to me and explained that you coded in the middle of the night, they did CPR, they broke 4 of you ribs, and they called your wife to come to the hospital as soon as possible because you were probably not going to make it. I stood by  you for hours. You were stable for now at 7 am and everyone was just sitting around. so Courtneys mom suggested she take me and Courtney home to take a shower and get some stuff to bring back to the hospital so we can stay with you longer. I didnt want to leave you, but I wanted to leave the environment. I needed a moment to breath outside of that room, outside that hospital, outside of everything that was happening. So I went. Courtneys mom drove us home to our city an hour away and she got us coffee then she dropped us of at our house so I can shower, Courtney stayed with me and her mom went to go get gas and run an errand. We walked in the house, it was empty, everyone was at the hospital, I immediately went to the bathroom and turned on the faucet I heard the water running loudly as I walked into my room to grab clothes. Courtney was sitting on my bed when my phone went off. I answered It and it was her.

She sounded like she had just had a seizure. You know how she sounds right, she's all out of it and doesn't really make any sense. She said to me “You have to come back” “They said we have to make a decision”. I was throughouly confused, I asked who's they, whats happening, she sounded out of it but the more she stammered on the more I connected what she was trying to say. I slid down the wall I was next door and heard her say “Come back” and hang up the phone. My heart started racing and I slid further down the wall, I couldn't catch my breath and all I remember from that moment was hearing the shower water running and seeing my best friend hold my arms as I sat on the floor saying “Breath, Breath, Its okay”.

Courtney called her mom and told her what happened and she was back to my house in a flash. I stayed silent. I knew what was happening, I knew what was gonna happen when we got to the hospital, Courtney and her mom tried to talk to me but I couldn't respond. We were almost to the hospital and I started to see the landmarks that belonged to the city where the hospital was, I didnt want to be in that city, I didnt want to be close to the hospital, I picked up a 7eleven bag off the floor of the car and I threw up into it. 

We got to the hospital and without speaking to each other at all we walked all the way in and it was far from the car, and all the way to the 4th floor. The entire time my best friend held my hand painfully tight and we walked painfully fast. I saw your room at the end of the hall, I was staring right at you, and I was about to take a step in that direction when Courtneys mom pulled me down a different hall. I don't know how she knew where to go but she led to this room, the last one at the end of the hall and I walked in. 

I was met with the eyes of her, my little sister, and my dad, they were all bloodshot and puffy and the three of them sat at this long oval table looking across at  2 doctors and a priest. I knew exactly what was happening at that moment, she told me to sit down but I didnt, courtneys mom told me to sit down but I couldn't, one of the doctors told me to sit down, so I sat down. Your wife looked at me, eyes overflowing with tears and she told me she didnt know what to do. I started balling, I could barley see anything around me. I looked very hard at everyone at that table, your wife was looking at me, my little sister was crying at the ground, my dad looked so troubled, Courtney kneeled down by your wife and rubbed her arm. I looked at the 2 doctors across from me and I broke down with a sob. They looked artificially sympathetic and it hurt me. They explained to me, me in specific, i know why I was chosen to be the adult in the moment but I didnt want the responsibility, they explained to me that you were not going to get better, they said to me that they could keep you alive with machines to try to fix you but it would be inhumane because you were in a lot of pain. Again your wife stared at me, waiting for me to say something, she wanted me to tell her what to do but It was not my place. I blurted out angrily towards these doctors who seemed liked all they cared about was wrapping this up before lunch;

“He doesn't want to die”

You didnt, you told me the night before your surgery you didnt want to die, you were terrified of not waking up. 

With me blurting this fact out it could be taken as ‘no, we shouldn't unplug the ventilatior, HE DOES NOT WANT TO DIE’, but your wife says “He's in a lot of pain”. At this point im confused yet again because she looked at me for the answer as for what to do, unplug or keep trying, and I said keep trying and she completely disregarded it, so did the doctors. They seemed to have made their mind up about you, MY grandfather, one doctor even said “if it was my grandfather, I would let him go”. 

I was completely and utterly falling apart. Were all sitting in this room making the choice if today is the last day I have with you and I just can't fathom into words what im experiencing. I feel like im frozen and completely ignored as your wife makes the final decision and everyone gets up and leaves the room. From this moment on I felt like I was in a dream, a realistic nightmare. We all walked to your room and went in few by few. I was asked if I wanted to say goodbye now or stay to watch you ‘pass’. I wanted to say goodbye, well I didnt, thats the last thing on earth I wanted to do, I wanted to kiss you and have a conversation with you and take you home, back to our house with our dogs and Saturday morning breakfast. But I didnt want to watch you take your last breath so I said goodbye. I leaned as much of me onto you as I was allowed as I hugged you. I held your hand and told you I would never leave your wife, I will protect her and make sure shes okay. I told you I loved you and I was sorry that this happened to you. I told you that I missed you. I repeated that I love you over and over again. I wasn't sure when to stop, when is the right time to stop saying I love you and leave the room and never see you again. I turned around at everyone looking at me through the window of your room and figured now was the time since I can have you forever. As I walked out Maddy walked in and she laid on you until it was time. I left the glass room and best friend met me at the door, she hugged with the most genuine, tightest hug I've ever experienced. She spoke so many words through this hug that I understood without sentences. She held my hand again and we walked down onto the first floor of this hospital. I curled up onto a chair in the lobby and without even thinking I fell asleep. 

I woke up randomly I don't know how long later. Me and Courtney were the only ones down in the lobby, everyone else was in the room with you, I refused to see it and she refused to leave me so we went out the garden. The hospital had this beautiful garden that I sat in every time I visited you in the hospital for the month you were there. I very much liked that garden, you could see the sky right above, I love the sky, and you can hear the water sounds from a fountain, I enjoy the sounds of water especially when im distressed. Me and Courtney sat there for 30 mins just quiet before Courtneys mom walked slowly out into the garden. I sat on the edge of the fountain staring off at nothing trying to piece my self together when Courtneys mom walks right over and stands in front of me. I slowly bring my head down from looking at the sky and I meet her eyes. The look she gives me told me exactly what she came out to the garden to tell me.

You're gone.

[faiteach]

I am so incredibly freaked out by the dream I just had. 

We were visiting my well-to-do grandfather, my father’s father, in sunny Georgia. In my dream he was much better off than he is in real life. Like UBER RICH vs. simply “stable and retired”. He lived in some UBER RICH community. I remember exploring a grocery store so large, I became lost for hours. We were stocking up so we’d have food in our apartment suites while we were visiting. I finally ran into my dad and told him I was going to head over to my suite so I could get my dog set up and check out the accommodations. 

So: Where we’re staying is like a huge resort made up of luxury condos that my dream!Grandfather owns. And when I say he owns it, I don’t mean it’s a business. It’s like he’s just built one huge, rambling mansion of condos for all his friends and loved ones to live in or visit in. 

I’m shown to my room by a Teenage Boy, like, the most generic scrawny white teenage boy you can imagine. He makes polite but disinterested conversation. He pets my dog. When he’s distracted for a moment, I stab him in the neck with a hypodermic needle. I catch him before he completely falls unconscious. I drag him further into the apartment. 

It’s sunny and warm. Broad daylight is streaming in through the windows. People are outside, enjoying the weather on porches, patios and poolsides. 

With my arm around his chest, I drag the sleeping teenager through a small living room, to the kitchenette and further, toward the bedrooms and a creepy stairway. I follow it down, to a half-finished theater/entertainment room. I open doors, halfheartedly exploring each room. I’m looking for a space that would be easy to clean, is relatively soundproof and can’t be casually intruded upon. 

I’m going to kill him. Slowly. I want to hurt him as much as possible first, to enjoy making him scream. 

In my dream I’m aware of a few things. 1) The tranquilizer won’t last forever. 2) I didn’t plan this ahead, I’m giving in to an urge that can no longer be ignored. 3) I really want to dig in and torture this kid. 

My phone rings. My parents want me to meet them at Grandpa’s place right now. I don’t have a choice. I drop the kid, hoping that I can finish up at Grandpa’s before he wakes up, or at least just in time to administer another dose. I don’t bother tying him or locking him up. 

I visit my grandfather and his new wife. I’m counting down the minutes  with rising anxiety the whole time. I have to remain calm, or people will reflect later that I was acting suspicious. My parents arrive after me, bringing food and chatter. I tell them I have to go, I still haven’t given my dog food or water. My mom insists on coming with.

When i get in my car and pull away from the curb, another car pulls out to follow me. It’s the kid. I can see him holding a cell phone, like he’s filming me. Of course. He woke up, after being sedated but unharmed by me, and now, suspicious that something more foul was at play, has taken it upon himself to gather more evidence of my evil nature before coming forward as a potential victim. 

I return to my suite with my mother. We’re unloading groceries when the boy knocks on the door and enters (it’s a thing to leave the door open here apparently) and offers to help. My mother is happy to accept help from such attentive staff. I am doing everything in my power not to act surprised or uncomfortable around him. He’s been drugged but unharmed, my best bet at this point is to invalidate any accusations he might make with bewildered confusion. (What, a needle you say? passed out in my bathroom---were you doing drugs? I don’t even know how to use a needle, are you sure you didn’t just fall asleep?) After all, why would anyone suspect me of being a killer? 

He has a friend with him this time. I have no way of knowing how much he’s told his friend, another teenage boy but bigger, about what happened, Maybe he’s too embarrassed to admit a girl got the drop on him. Certainly I’m banking on the fact that no one will believe a petite, well-to-do white girl is a premeditated killer. But, I’m not stupid. This boy and his friend will be watching me now, intent on serving vigilante justice. 

I can feel myself being overwhelmed by the nauseating anxiety that I will soon be exposed, but it’s a magma pit that boils under an icy veneer of total calm. The boys seem excessively interested in my dog, and I realize they’re searching for signs of abuse, since serial killers are so notorious for harming animals first. They keep exploring the house alone whenever I’m not paying attention. I can’t seem to come up with a good enough reason for them to leave that my mom can’t easily refute with southern hospitality. 

I’m not conveying it right. I can’t seem to explain the feeling that went along with this whole exchange. I tried to murder this kid. I was disappointed I failed. I knew I was going to fail because I was giving in to a compulsion without a plan. And then he’s in my house, searching for clues that would expose me as a monster while making innocent small talk with me and my mother. I’m half terrified that he’ll succeed and half disgusted with myself for being so monstrous. 

The fear of being caught and the paralyzing guilt of knowing that I should be caught were worse than any nightmare about being chased by monsters that I’ve ever had. I feel kind of sick, betrayed by my own subconscious. I’ve never dreamt about wanting to hurt anyone before. I’m deeply disturbed by the way it felt, not so much the urge to maim but the idea that, in spite of the laws, I had a right to hurt others simply because I wanted to. 

I don’t know. I don’t think I’m suddenly a serial killer now, if nothing else it’s just a demonstration of my mind’s capability to empathize with literally anyone and anything. Still, I would prefer not to experience that side of the narrative again. 

[sarah-in-austin]

This is probably mostly word vomit of varying emotions and i’m sorry it’s really really long

There is too much in my head as usual. I went to a new psychiatrist (thank GOD for getting full-time work with actually good benefits JUST before Trump swooped down and shat his fiery sulfuric ass juice all over America’s already weak healthcare system). Anyway. I saw a new doctor, and that’s always hard because they’re like MEDICINE! and I’m like no okay I’m okay with what I’ve got. That, and she kind of wanted to insinuate bipolar disorder because I described a manic period in my life and because one of the meds I take is primarily given to people with bipolar disorder. It’s a mood stabilizer. Being on the bipolar spectrum does not make you bipolar. ANYWAY again, she was all “we should try antidepressants because only your anxiety is being treated, and you have BOTH!” And I have a terrible memory, I do. That’s a little of what this post is about, my really fucking terrible memory. So she said antidepressants, and with no real context, I just got this feeling of dread. I’ve taken antidepressants before (I don’t even remember which ones, y’all this is a terrible problem) and they didn’t do well for me, and I am very VERY--as in probably-won’t-ever-do-it-again-consequences-be-damned--hesitant to take them again. My husband Daniel wasn’t able to come to the appointment with me because he was out of town, and this is also kind of bad because he remembers everything and I remember nothing, and so many important details were left out of this new consultation because of me and my weird crap memory. So he asked me later how the appointment went, and I told him about the meds, and he said, “Did you tell her when you took antidepressants before that they made you way more anxious?” To which I responded, “What are you talking about?” All I remember is taking medicine that didn’t work for me, somewhere in my early-to-mid-twenties. During this time, I had apparently three gears: crying, screaming, and sometimes a combination of both. I remember that we lived at Hill Apartments, and if I drove back by there, I could show you which one, but I don’t remember most of my time there. I know I hated it. So either extremely sad or extremely angry were my only two moods, and I was like “dude I sounded horrible, why did you stay with me?” My sweet guy said, “You weren’t that bad.” I died a little. I really fucking love that guy. But I also know how he kind of downplays things sometimes, so I know I probably was “that bad,” so if I knew you in the 2010-2013-ish era of my life, I was probably an asshole but didn’t realize I was. So, I’m really sorry. If we were friends, and after all that shit you still wanted to even a little bit be my friend, then you are, like Daniel, a far cooler person than I will ever deserve in my life. Thank you. I hope we one day get to the point where we don’t have to apologize for mental illness, but we’re not there yet. It is debilitating and ruins relationships and we’re always made to believe both by ourselves and by others that it’s our fault. I wasn’t being an asshole because I was unstable, misdiagnosed, and mistreated, I was being an asshole because I’m just an asshole and therefore my problems are my own fault. That’s the general mindset and it’s crap. 

I got super pissed at my sister a while back, and if you know anything about my sister and myself then me being mad at her for being herself is no news at all; she really pushes all of my buttons. One of our cousins said something about how having depression and anxiety is hard, and my sister replied with all this stuff about how she relates and she wishes she could get out of bed and go to work like a normal person, and I just saw red. I was furious, livid,  enraged, outraged, pretty much any level of raged you can be. At this point, I could sound a little insensitive for being mad at her for saying that, because I know how often I wish my brain would work at a normal level and I could do things like a normal person is supposed to be able to do and I can’t and it sucks. BUT. My sister is lucky. She can afford to sit at home and hide from the world. Her husband supports her and her kid. The rest of us HAVE to put on our happy faces and go out into the world because we have to be adults and do adult things like work so we aren’t homeless. There are plenty of times I want to call out of work because it is just too fucking hard to be a person that day, but I don’t have a choice now because I’m an hourly employee and missing hours is not an option. Even when I was a salaried employee, I couldn’t keep calling out because there aren’t “depressed days”built into the ten or however many days you can take off in a year. So in the four months during which my contract was (incredibly unfairly) non-renewed, Daniel left his job, my grandfather passed away, my sister was hospitalized, and my car got totaled, I still couldn’t take off work, even though I was actively suicidal, having at least four severe panic attacks a day, and legitimately felt like I was going to actually lose my mind, I still couldn’t take off work because when you go over your days, they take it our of your check. I was pissed at my sister because sometimes we NEED to hide from the world and CAN’T, and she is talking about how she wished her anxiety would allow her to work when the rest of have no choice. 

I’m an hourly employee. It’s been a huge adjustment, and in some ways, I’ve never been happier, because I used to be a teacher and it was horrible and now it’s not as horrible, but now I’m a cashier. If you’ve never had low self-esteem before, going from making $45,000 a year to $10 an hour hurts. A lot. In a lot of ways. It hurts. I have this horrible stuck feeling. I’m 28. I’m a cashier. I’m not supposed to be a cashier. I know on a fundamental level that I’m supposed to be so much greater than I am, but I don’t know how to get unstuck, I guess. I know the just-make-yourself-do-it thing, but I don’t even know how to make myself just do it. I don’t know anything.

My mom had to have our dog put to sleep right after the first of the year. Our sweet Penelope. She was 13 and the very best of us. I’m not over her. Or Baby, who died when I was 23. Or Drake, or Copper, when I was like a teenager (I need therapy, okay). They were more than best friends. They were more than we deserved. 

Lastly, Donald Trump. Just, ugh. There’s too much to put into words on that one. I’m just horrified and afraid and disgusted by what I’ve seen from fellow Americans in the past few months, and it’s only going to get worse. 

[purplesurveys]

1206

surveys by xmusicdudettex

#1

How many people close to you have passed away? I’ve had many relatives who’ve passed away; they all meant a lot, of course, but as for the ones I had been truly close with, I can think of 6. There’s also Nacho, so that’s 7 in total.

Did you ever have the wild experience of having insane next-door neighbors? Yeah we used to have neighbors that had these really rowdy, terribly-behaved teenage kids who often brought their equally noisy friends over. That wasn’t a fun time and I was so relieved when they moved out.

Have you ever been taken to the emergency room or urgent care? If so, why? Nah. I’ve been confined once but it wasn’t an emergency situation.

Have you ever had to visit anyone in the hospital? Nope. I mean, there have been situations where a loved one had had to stay in the hospital but our parents never took us with them when they visited.

Have you ever had any near-death experiences? I wouldn’t say so. I had that one horrible near-car accident while driving to school a few years back, but I don’t think it would’ve been it for me if it actually happened. My car would’ve totally been wrecked, though.

What are your fears? Are we talking petty fears or long-term ones? Anyway, I hate cockroaches and I’m also afraid of being left alone in the future.

How well do you manage under stressful situations? I was terrible at it at first and was always prone to breakdowns. But since my job has such a high-pressure nature to begin with changes happening every minute, I’ve become more used to stressful situations.

Do you tend to bottle things up inside or can you open up? I bottle them up and just wait for the moment that I can’t take it anymore to finally cry and break down.

What is the most pain (physical, mental, emotional) you've ever felt? Physical: Either my snorkeling injury or my fever from last year where I felt like a literal living corpse.

Mental/Emotional: That brief period of time last year where I dealt with fresh graduate existential crisis, unemployment, and a breakup all at once.

Have your past experiences changed you as a person? For sure. I have a completely different mindset and approach to things now thanks to stuff I had to go through.

Do you believe that you can grow from your past experiences? Yes.

What is the longest time you've spent crying? A whole night.

How do you relieve your negative feelings? I don’t, really. Sometimes crying and acknowledging my sadness can be the healthiest thing to do. But if it’s manageable, I find relief from trying to do things that make me happy.

Have you ever had to deal with suicide in any way, shape, or form? Yuh.

Has anyone ever broken your trust? Yes.

If so, did it damage your ability to trust anyone at all? I wouldn’t say at all but it’s been considerably damaged.

Have you ever been stolen from? No.

Have you ever grown apart from someone? Yeah. Some have been for the best; some just happened naturally so I feel mostly indifferent about the drifting apart.

Have you ever had a best friend move away? Yes, when my two best friends moved to different countries at roughly the same period.

Are you generally a happy, sad, mad, or apathetic person? Happy with a dash of apathetic, hahaha.

Have you ever been in a fight? ??? Of course?

Did you ever run away from home? No but as an angsty teenager/the trouble child, I definitely had these thoughts. Looking back at it now, it’s hilarious how rebellious I felt but still had the self-awareness that I had absolutely nowhere to go to if I did run away lol

Do you have any unstable or rocky relationships with anyone? Yeah, this is me and my mom for the most part.

Have you ever had to cut someone out of your life for your own good? Yes.

Have you ever had to call 911? If you'd like to share the story, feel free. No, I don’t think we have that service here because Philippines.

Have you ever been seriously threatened? I don’t think so.

Have you ever had any serious injuries? Yep, the aforementioned snorkeling injury had been pretty rough.

Has anything you've ever been through changed you negatively? Possibly, but I always try to focus on how I’ve grown from situations.

Have you ever been in the hospital? If so, what for? I have. Something that we thought had been dengue but was (thankfully?) just a low platelet count.

What is the longest you have been sick for? A week and a half.

Are you ready to reclaim your life and take back what's yours? I’m getting there.

#2

What is the song for your life right now? Lost by BTS.

Do you believe that when you die, you get to see all your loved ones again? When it comes down to it I don’t believe in an afterlife, but nonetheless this is a very comforting thought to stay in.

Who would you be the most excited to see? My grandfather and my dogs.

Have you lost, or almost lost, someone close to you to death this year? I lost 3 of them within the same month.

Did you lose any of your friends this year? If so, how? Gabie, though she really hasn’t been my friend in a while; I just decided to absolutely pull the plug this year. Cut off all ties, deleted all photos and videos.

Have you experienced anything new this year? If so, what? I got into K-Pop hahahahahahahahaahahaaahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Do you enjoy reading National Geographic magazines? No only because I don’t really get to encounter them. I’d definitely read one if I found one lying around, though.

Have you ever been to a ghost town? Hmm, I don’t think so.

Have you ever been white water rafting? I have not.

Do you enjoy meeting new and interesting people? Yes, especially those who have been through a lot in life and have a lot of fascinating stories to tell.

Would you rather read the book or watch the movie? Watch the movie.

Do you enjoy doing crossword puzzles and/or word searches? Love word searches, crossword puzzles not so much.

Do you know anyone who is serving in the military right now? No, not personally.

Does/did either of your parents serve in the military? Neither of them did/do.

Has anything in your house ever caught on fire? No.

Have you ever been inside of a vacant house? We used to spend weekends in our current home back when it was already fully constructed, but we still didn’t have the means to fill it up with furniture. We spent some time here so my mom could keep the place clean, but it had been entirely devoid of any furniture or appliance then.

Have you ever been attacked by a dog? Nope.

Have you ever hugged a stranger you thought was someone else? I’ve mistakenly held a stranger’s hand as a kid, but I don’t think I’ve gone all the way and hugged the wrong person.

As a small child, did you ever feel as if you were different or weird? Yes. Because I had a name perceived to be masculine and because my mom loved to keep my hair painfully short throughout my entire childhood.

Is it easy for you to see when someone's lying? Eh, sometimes. Some people are still effortlessly good at lying.

Did you ever cut your own hair when you were little? No.

Are you able to handle small amounts of sleep? I can now. I used not to but these days I usually run on 4-5 hours of sleep.

If you could instantly know any language in the world, what would it be? Korean pls.

What is the most disgusting thing you've ever seen? In person? Hmm. Probably roadkill, even though I feel bad saying it.

Do you get stage fright? Sometimes. It comes and goes.

How old were you when you learned how to read? I was around 4 or 5.

This year, how many times have you been to the doctor? Zero.

[hetalia-has-a-secretary]

Ok, this is going to be a bit funny but how do you imagine the axis and the allies being old? Wrinkles, gray hair included.

I'm... I'm literally just going to... Oh no now I'm thinking about growing old with Ivan

ʕ º ᴥ ºʔ crud...

Human AU: Allies and Axis get old

Allies:

America:

Yeah, he's certainly going deaf in at least one ear, so he's so much louder than before.

Despite his age he can still probably hurl cars. Like he's one of the few good looking men when they got older.

His hair is more silver than white, but that adorable cowlick is now an embarrassing bald spot.

He's not wrinkly other than the deep smile lines, and crow's feet (those lines on the temple next to your eye for those who don't know what crow's feet are)

His hands have faint moles and light brown patches. They're also kind of dry.

He's been ironically dying for the day he can go full grampa mode, and wears nothing but Hawaii shirts from Walmart and a stupid baseball cap.

He might be tough, but he has a beer gut of sorts. And he smells like fancy cologne.

England:

Oh my poor baby I'm sorry...

I can totally seeing him missing teeth and needing dentures

And no it's not because he's British, don't start with me.

He now has to comb over his hair to hide that receding hairline.

But honestly, his hair went dark gray, with hints of white highlights and honestly is a strong 7/10 on the sexy old man scale. And his eyebrows are still thick, but because of his hair grayish you won't notice until your up close.

And about the dentures, he takes them out to scare people sometimes because they annoy him.

He's not frail, but the arthritis his hands kills him, and it ticks him off. He misses his embroidery!

His face is slightly wrinkly under the eyes, and his face is sagging a little giving him a grouchy look.

But he's still a gentleman through and through.

This guy has hearing aids, but has a grandchild who took it upon themselves to add a unicorn sticker to it. He refuses to take it off...

France:

He's probably the best looking man. Like think of Hugh grant and Peirce brosnan where he has the smile and chrisma of Hugh, but the look of a fashion model boss of Peirce. (I had to look up SO MANY OLD MEN YOUR WELCOME)

Will not let his age stop him from dressing up in tuxes, and wearing designer shades and glasses.

"He says it's the wine, I'm calling BS and it's just because he's a lucky jerk" England, probably.

Wanna know what's more sexy than old fashion model France? Those sexy tan lines that block out a tank top, and swim shorts.

He's in fairly good shape, and since America is older and a bit weaker the two of them are head to head with strength.

But if you touch this man his skin is kind of loose despite not seeming to be.

He is extremely annoyed at how quickly his back and chest hair seem to grow now.

Also his long hair is now dark gray and always combed back. He really just has the vibes of a millionaire, but he anonymously leaves checks to hospitals and food centers.

China:

Basic, quiet, Old Chinese man.

Can and will kick both America and France's butts if given the chance.

He's super patient and always thinks before speaking.

Look wise he's pretty average, but one look in his eyes let's you know he's still a child deep down.

Has completely gotten over "I'm old and mature" phase of his 30's and likes to mess with everyone by being the personification of Master Splinter from Ninja turtles (Think old, wise, and never giving a direct anwser Because there's a lesson to be learned)

He has freckles on the back of his neck, and no one has told him so he doesn't even know.

Wrinkly hands that are callused from the hard work he does.

Has slight carpel tunnel, but still does martial arts and Tai chi.

His hair is dark gray with some silver strands, and he has a little bit of a goatee.

Russia:

He has said screw it and shaved his head to everyone's surprise. But on a side note he has a nice short gray beard.

Just kidding the hair came back but it never goes further than a few inches.

He's somehow more intimidating as well, but now is the sweetest old man. So he hasn't changed other than finally figuring out how to communicate.

He's a little bit like china in the sense he thinks before speaking. You can still get things to go over his head.

Knitting skills will put literally anyone's grandmother to shame.

He has an almost angry look when he's deep in thought or confused, and has wrinkles through most of his face, his eyes have sunken In a bit, and his eyebrows are rivaling England's. He looks like the stereotype of an old biker.

But when he smiles he gives off the 'best grandfather who smothers their grandkids with ice cream' vibes.

He has switched his scarf out for one of those green beanie caps you see sailors wear.

Scratch that he wears all types of hats, and only wears scarfs when outside.

His clothing style is still just as elaborate as before, and he's thought it funny to wear old fashion Russian clothes.

Turtle necks and khakis are his best friends.

Has the case of flubby belly but his arms and cafes are muscular and puts everyone else to shame. Sorry American.

Axis:

Germany:

It's weird how he looks like Prussia now.

Wrinkles? Don't know then. Crow's eyes that's all he has and maybe one or two forhead wrinkles.

He's not as muscular since he's decided to do what he's been dying to do his whole life.

Dogs. He walks dogs, babysits dogs, has a breeding program, and works at a dog shelter. Also helps rescue dogs.

Ladies love him, dogs love him more.

He's mellowed out as well, and is missing the front left tooth on the top row after some guy at a bar said his old hands couldn't win a fight. They were wrong.

He's letting himself bald out to be honest. Not having to deal with his hair means less work and more RnR.

His fashion sense is still the same.

Can still out drink people's weight in beer, but gets hangovers now, so that sucks.

Mmm- Cracked and slightly yellow fingernails anyone? We got both hands and feet. He hates it.

Italy talked him into going to a salon and all the woman there adore him, so he's a regular. Has 100% let a little girl paint his nails while she waited on mom.

Japan:

He's mad because he's ridiculously short and hunched over.

He regrets not getting his back checked out when he was younger.

He's achieved: Irration! He still can't get angry, but please don't push him.

Still knows way too much about technology, and is actually head of his own tech support company, so he's actually the richest out of them all but you'd never know.

He spends a lot of time with China now and they're inseparable (finally!!!).

Wrinkly old man. But still kind of cute.

Can't get his friendly womanly neighbor to stop flirting with him, and he slowly remembers why he was a shut in when he was a teen.

His skin is also littered with freckles, and he has no idea why or how.

He gets his hair dyed black so not even I, the hetalia secretary, know what his hair color is.

Italy:

Ya boy is wearing guchi designer and is fine AF.

Actually works with France at the local pawn shop, but dresses like an Italian Mafia boss. A lot of watches. Like, that's all he wants.

Has a cologne for every day of the week.

He now also wears sunglasses quite often, and is a LOT more serious then when he was younger. Like, he's just the calmest sweetheart to exist, but it's not hard to get him going.

He enjoys telling stories and is up there with Russia on the narrator scale. He's very vivid when he spins tales, and only lacks Russia's voicing ability.

He has Hawaii shirts but wears them better than America. Sorry again America.

He has wrinkles but they're not deep ones, but his arms are kind of hairy.

His actual hair is silver-ish white, and he loves having it combed and slicked back. He jokes that it's an homage to Germany's younger hair days.