#my god. wish me luck so i dont cry. from pain or the situation. both maybe !

[exidtual]

can this month finally end.

[iloveundertaesooomuch]

Some advice from AU Calebs!

Heck yeah I did it! Finally i finished ONE of the HUNDREDS AU crossover ideas I have in my head!! Crossovers are fun guys!! (I apologise for a bad english in advance. Writing this it a rush.)

"It's ok to ask for help." (A Reverse Of Feathers And Mud by @jess-the-vampire)

I couldn't make a crossover meme without the legend. Sorry, not sorry. He is such a sad lad but tries to stay positive and be happy for his family uydfykudsutsudskudsluds (*dies*). I have to admitt, Caleb's dad energy is too strong for me to handle without wanting a hug him. No wonder! He was THE grandpa for centuries straight without a break. At least Caleb gets his whole family together in the end. Comics with him and either Hunter and Philip or Luz and Eda make me run in cirles around the room aaaa.

"You are not a burden." (Brother's Keeper by @idoodlestuffsometimes)

Damn, you definetly created one of the darkest AU in the fandom. Each time I re-read AU related posts I scream my lungs out because it is so angsty and so great. I am genuinely scared of your Belos ngl, because.. this man didnt loose anything and he still proceeds to do all that stuff. Enconter with him has 0 survival rate.

POOR CALEB! At least in the world of memes he had an opportunity to flee the captivity twice (the bald head and the car). This man had no moment of mental rest for centuries oh my God. One of my friends wants to fight his brother personally to protec Caleb at all cost sksksk. Well, at least Hunter will always have an actually loving relative! And if the happy ending is going to be canon, I think the future looks great, especially knowing how much pain all your characters go through currently. (And I think both Caleb and Hunter would need the "you are not a burdain" affirmations. At least some form of support in their situation.)

You said in the latest ask-answer that BK!Caleb was supposed to have white streaks in his hair so I attempted to add them. Hope they look fine! Colors for the outfit I got from Belos, so they would match, I guess???

"Murder is okay." (Loose Strings by @oldmanpip)

My bro, brother, friend... Despite you being not to involved on the discord server, my brain is still rotting with your great awesome AUs. And I know you know that. Your Caleb is really loose in all sences of that word and I love that. Wonder if your AUs will ever be available to the public. Because oh boy oh boy they deserve to be recognised. (Loose Caleb is such a conservative grandpa who never did anything wrong, wdym?)

"Your feelings matter." (Pip In Time by @celestialscribbler)

Honestly? Man, your comic is the reason I got invested in Witteclaw couple at all. Even if the "Pip in time" is not their story, but you wrote their teen romance so sweetly. Those two melted my heart... I scream each time I re-read your comic for 100th time. Just WOAH my brain goes brrr! And Caleb as a character is also written really really well. I love him so much. He is such good brother but MAN HE NEEDS A BREAK FROM BEING AN ADULT! BOY! Insirt crying and heart emojis here.

(PS: hope you still care about your health!)

My thoughts:

I have been drawing this for more than a month I think? And the only reason for that is my university. I hope to actually get an ADHD diagnosis because something is clearly wrong with me. But thats not the point.

There are so many ideas in my head. Goofy and not. The only problem is that I have less and less ability to do what I want lately. I wish I could bring them all to life, but at the same I dont know if anyone will be interested. Would AU crossovers look too self-indulgent? Or nah? Idk. (Just Grimwalker-Isle already has so much potential for stupid ridiculous fun I am runnin on coffee juice.)

Litteraly my mind is plagued with different fun plots and possibilities I am going crazy. But I also have A TON of WIPs that I need to finish. Perhaps I will attempt to manage everything at once, but, no promises.

Wish me luck on my exams!

[necros-writing-stuff]

I'm simping hard for Mason and Bailey, so could we get mutual non-con with them? Also maybe with the person forcing the non-con degrading m!Mason and or m!Bailey about forcing them breed f!pc?

Like maybe Leighton wants to watch the hot swim teacher pipe that pretty little thing that wont let him photograph their gentiles, so he threatens Mason's job if they dont fuck in the locker room so he can watch. He knows pc is Mason's favorite, that Mason might actually have caught feelings. He's seen them hanging out outside school.

Or for Bailey, it could be that someone was pissed they couldn't buy you since you were paying your dues, or maybe Bailey just didn't like their vibe. They hold pc and their pissed off caretaker at gun point and make them screw. Bonus on the forced breeding kink, since bailey def doesnt want kids, and I cant imagine any PC wanting to put another kid in his care.

Sorry for the long ask 😅 Your writing is so good and you capture the characters so, so well. It really gets my imagination going.

Dear gods anon this haunted me from the moment I read it you're so smart I love you.

NSFW below (tw for noncon, loss of virginity)

Bailey

Waking up tied to a chair and gagged isn't exactly how Bailey wants to start his weekend, but here he is.

It had been a simple task. Drop off some money at Quinn's office. That's all.

So when he'd been hit over the head and knocked out, it had been rather unexpected.

He can see a man in a tailored suit looking at him and he immediately recognises who it is.

The guy was with that drug gang Bailey had seen to a couple months ago. Saving you from them, his favourite pretty brat.

Trust you to get in drug trouble over a fucking maths competition.

"You're awake. Good. We can talk about how you owe me," the man says. Yeah cause Bailey could do a lot of talking right now.

The door opens, two henchmen dragging in a girl with a bag over her head.

Bailey knows it's you, can recognise your voice as you whimper in fear.

Someone that had been standing behind Bailey's chair comes forward and starts to pull the caretaker's pants down. He can't fight back, tensing his arms to check how tight the bindings are.

The person covers their hands in some weird clear slime they then proceed to rub on his freed cock. It's cold and tingles.

"This one's your most requested right? Always pays her debts though. It's cause she's a virgin isn't it?" The boss questions as whatever that salve was kicks in, stimulating Bailey till he's hard as a rock.

The bag is ripped from your head, your eyes scrunching up at the light. You look so scared and helpless.

"Well you're about to drive her value right down with your own cock, mate," the boss nods to his men and you're brought forwards, skirt of your school uniform ripped up and pantes cut off with a knife.

You start sobbing and begging as you're picked up and your pussy is angled so that they can push you onto Bailey's cock.

Bailey is still. Staring straight ahead, trying not to let the rage he feels show.

He shudders as your body is pushed onto his cock, having to admit its a nice tight fit. God you would have been worth so much.

You scream, pain from being taken for the first time with so little preparation adding to the stress of the whole situation.

The henchmen holding you lift and drop you onto your caretaker's length at a steady pace. You feel no pleasure in the situation, just deep sorrow and an itching need to run.

But you can only whine out "I'm sorry," to Bailey, unable to look at him in the eyes.

It feels good. You feel good - you feel wonderful and Bailey can't help it when his balls start to feel tighter.

Can't help it when a tingle grows up his spine.

Can't help his hips jolting up the tiniest bit to meet you, needing more friction so he can cum.

"Oh and one last thing. We injected the girl with some hormone treatment to make her more likely to get pregnant. Good luck selling a used up whore then," the boss finally interjects, but its too late.

Oh fuck no.

Bailey is already on the verge as the man speaks, ejaculated deep inside your pussy since the henchmen so kindly push you down when they notice his body spasm.

The men let you go, your arms coming to wrap around Bailey's shoulders as you cry into his neck.

"A few more rounds, I think. Let's get our money's worth," it's only now Bailey sees the camera pointed at the two of you.

"This time the girl will move herself," a gun is brought out and you wrap yourself tighter around Bailey's body, seeking comfort. You're still sat on his cock, that hasn't gotten soft even after his orgasm. Just what was that salve?

He's going to kill them when he gets out of this rope.

Mason

He can't belive he's doing this.

Can't believe he has your cunt in his mouth, tongue deep between the folds as he licks away.

He wishes it were under any other circumstances.

Leighton had always rubbed him the wrong way, but Mason loved swimming. Loved teaching, this was his perfect job.

And you were his perfect student.

So kind and understanding, so innocent compared to the horrors he dealt with most classes.

You'd been so shy when you'd caught him swimming naked, but had accepted it without judgement.

You had been lovely to talk to at the pond.

You clung to his hair so tightly as he ate you out, moans echoing through the locker room.

Leighton had threatened his job. Had told him he wanted a video of that good one getting ruined by a handsome man like Mason. Wanted to see the pretty thing impaled on his cock.

And it worked. The threat worked. But at least Mason was the one corrupting you, he reasoned. At least it was someone who genuinely cared for your wellbeing.

You were shaking like a leaf when he had explained the situation, looking between him and the headmaster, off the to the side holding a camera.

"If you don't do it, I'll send every university you apply to personal letters telling them what a whore you are," Leighton added, and you reluctantly let Mason strip your uniform and kiss up your thighs.

"She's wet enough," Leighton calls from behind the camera, admiting the flushed pink dusting your cheeks. Forced, yes, but your were enjoying this, weren't you? What a little harlot.

Mason frees his length from his swimming trunks, never having the chance to change from his last lesson.

Bending your legs up so they're pressed to your chest, he gently kisses your forehead.

"It's going to be okay," another kiss, "just breath nice and steady for me." It's the same soothing tone he used to teach you.

You take in a deep breath as Mason pushes himself in, inch by inch. Both of you try to ignore Leighton moving to get a better angle.

Soon enough, your teacher is balls deep inside of your virgin pussy, the two of you breathing raggedly while staring into each other's eyes.

You both look upset.

"Well fuck her then," the headmaster tuts, and Mason starts to thrust.

Your mouth falls open, an expression so lewd and lovely the teacher wishes he could have seen it in another situation.

Wishes he could have waited for your graduation and asked you out on a proper date.

Not lose himself in your cunt, on camera for the pervert blackmailing you both.

And he does lose himself, can't stop his hips from hammering away at the warm, tight, wet heat that sucks him in like it was made for him.

Mason can't last this long. He brings a hand to start rubbing circles around your clit, eliciting more moans and whimpers.

You're so pretty, so good for him.

"M-mason, sir," you yelp as he hits a nice spot, and his breath catches in his chest.

Leaning in, he takes one of your nipples into his mouth, sucking and teasing.

Your walls tighten around his shaft, signifying your end coming soon and Mason increases the pressure on your clit.

You milk his cock so perfectly he cums right when you do, filling you up to the brim with seed and aware it was spilling onto the bench below.

He can't bring himself to let you go when he's done, has to keep you covered until Leighton puts that camera away.

"Excellent. Now, try to get used to each other, I won't be satisfied with only one tape."

[ratanslily]

Lover of Mine

pairing: Rafael Aveiro x f!mc (Grace Sullivan)

note: Rafael and all oph characters belong to pixelberry! Grace belongs to @inacrowdofchoices ❤️

genre: honestly i dont even know what this is, but ends with fluff.

warnings: death mention (no, there's no major character death!), some mentions of the gas leak taken place in chapter 11 (?) please dont read if you're uncomfortable with any of these topics!

summary: just a rewrite of chapter 11 and 12 but with more rafael moments!

words: 1,014+

song inspo: lover of mine by 5 seconds of summer. wanted to write it for bryce, but made more sense for rafael and i wanted to write for @inacrowdofchoices sometime so!

tagging @choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

((didn't have much time to edit sorry!))

Grace saw her life flash before her eyes as she witnessed Rafael jumping in front of her to take all the hit of the gas leaked by senator's assistant.

"RAFAEL, NO!"

but it was too late.

she had seen him on the verge of death before too, but not again, she couldn't take it anymore.

----

there was only one bed.

in fiction, it seems like a really romantic concept. but in real life, in situations like this, things were far from romantic. As she sat beside a sleeping Rafael, she couldn't help but think about her feelings for him and about what they could've been if he wasn't committed to Sora. Her instinct begged her to grab him in a hug and never let him go but her mind urged against it. She stole a glance at Rafael, whose face showed the after effects of being hit by the gas, he looked exhausted and troubled. Grace tried to hold back her tears as she took in the view of him, unsure whether they both would live to survive another day.

Sure about the fact that he was sleeping, she mumbled, "i love you, Raf, so much."

To her horror, his eyes fluttered open, and he asked her if she said anything to him. Stumbling with words, she replied,

"I er, owe you, Raf. so much. You've saved me, you shouldn't have to do that, you know.."

Rafael just smiled at her, saying, "Yes I shouldn't have to do that, but I needed to. Now Grace, rest. It's going to be good for you."

He watched her lie down and couldn't help but admire her ombre red hair as they rested on the pillow. She looked so pretty, even with the swollen nose and eyes. A hint of pain was seen in her forehead as she winced in pain. Rafael wanted to gently caress her face to comfort her but he couldn't.

it was wrong, wasn't it? having feelings for her even though he was dating Sora. He tried to convince himself that he loved Sora, not Grace but no matter how many times he uttered the word "love" only pictures and memories of Grace flashed in his mind.

them dancing on the street after visiting his abuela. the pure joy reflected on her face as they tried Indian food on their night-out. her head drooping on his shoulder as she sat beside him to watch a korean drama for the millionth time in solidarity even though she was exhausted. her bringing him fast food when he was bored sick of the hospital food. her holding his hand and never making him feel less or lonely on their group hangouts at the restaurant.

so many memories together but still he chose Sora over them. Sure she was his childhood sweetheart but he felt more at ease with Grace rather than Sora. With Sora he felt like he had to try to show that they were in a relationship whereas with Grace, everything,every feeling came to him naturally.

--

Grace woke up to Rafael trying to drink from a glass of water and offered to help him. She saw his eyes widen in surprise as he told her that ice cold water seemed like scorching water to him. She panicked and called everyone for help. Rafael turned to her, afraid.

"Grace, I don't really know if I'm gonna make it but please, take care and I-"

he fainted before he could complete his sentence, leaving Grace devasted. Thankfully she could feel his pulse so there was a sliver of hope for him.

Bryce and others rushed to the room as she narrated the events to them. As they took him away for inspection in other room, she couldn't help but cry as Bryce pat her back comforting her.

"Bryce, I am.. scared. He doesn't look so good, and god be damned if he loses his life over saving me! If i could, I'd trade my life so that he gets to live because i sure as hell cannot exist in a world without him.." He looked at her with sympathy in his eyes, "don't worry Grace, I'm going to make sure both of you get out of here, fully healed and healthy."

and he did.

Bryce entered her room a few days later, with a big grin on his face.

"Grace, you're fully heal-"

"Is he alright?"

"Yes, he-"

Grace didn't stop for him to continue and dashed to where Rafael was transferred to. She stopped in her tracks when she heard voices coming from the room. It was Sora. She turned back to walk away when she heard,

"you still like her, am i right?"

"yes."

"im sorry, rafael its over for us. i wish you the best of luck and happiness with her"

"you too, Sora. im sorry it took so long but you deserve someone who has feelings just for you."

--

a few days later, Grace found herself strolling by the park with Rafael's hand in his.

they just returned from Bobby and Danny's funeral. She held his hand throughout the rituals to make sure he was coping with everything just alright.

"hey you can let go of my hand now.."

"no, nope. never."

Rafael smiled, for the first time that day.

"I'm sorry, Grace."

"hm? for..?"

"for taking so much time. I spent so much time wondering what we could be.. if i didnt ask Sora out, if i was clear with my feelings my feelings earlier.. if i had died before letting you know-"

"shh, enough of that. we're here. alive. with a fresh new second chance at life. don't you think we should appreciate the moments we've gotten together? to live each moment to the fullest? with the people we care about?"

He nodded his head in agreement and they resumed their walk together.

"by the way, i heard that."

"what?"

"your.. love confession in the room"

Grace felt her cheeks heat up out of embarassment.

"um, i-"

"and when i told you to go rest, under my breath, so quiet that even my ears couldn't hear but with my heart approving every word, I said.."

"i love you too"

[gaysin-space]

All 150 questions 😌😌😌

I can’t with you omg WHY DO THIS TO ME?! (jk you know I love it)

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

My girlfriend aka the lil shit who sent me all these

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Both? Like depends on the situation

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

Well I just booked Hamilton tickets so imma go with the whole cast, does that count?

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I think so? Idk

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Yeah she would, she takes care of me a lot tbh

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Someone who can make me laugh and who makes me happy and who I can spend time with talking about all kinds of crap and we both enjoy it just because it’s us

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

I better fucking be, what you trying to say mate?!

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

My dad, I just want him to be okay

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

It can do? Like I don’t really like talking about my own sex life but other peoples I’m fine with idk

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Idk? Does my mentor count?

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“IM SOR- I’m sorry” which is funny okay

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Call on me, satisfied, burn, helpless, castle on the hill

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes omggggg so much

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Yep, you can be lucky and have good things happen to you but miracles are things that happen that you don’t expect and turn out to make situations so much better 

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I got to see my girlfriend and she met her fave?

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yes, of course, always

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

YES OMG PLEASE

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

Lol no? 

19. Do you like bubble baths?

Yeah I actually do omg

20. Do you like your neighbors?

Fuck no.

21. What are you bad habits?

Biting my nails and the skin around them (soz babe)

22. Where would you like to travel?

Australia is my first option always because of my baby cousin

23. Do you have trust issues?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH yeah

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

None? I don’t really have one tbh

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My legs I guess 

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Check my phone 

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My mum? or my gf tbh

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

No? if they have i’ve forgotten 

30. Do you ever want to get married?

Yes omg

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

Yeah, i want it shorter tho

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

I mean? All of them??

33. Spell your name with your chin.

ccrd\ 

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Noooooope

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

TV

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Oh boy have I

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

Anything and everything

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Cheesy I know but my gf 

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Primark tbh and waterstones 

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Well im at uni rn but after that i wanna settle down and have a family

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

Yes but only if they make an impact on my day to day life

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

It could mean anything from me being triggered to me being in pain

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yeah i do 

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

SPACE MOTHER FUCKERS

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

The fact that i have to?

46. What are you paranoid about?

Lol everything?

47. Have you ever been high?

God no.

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Hell yes

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Nope

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Black

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Sometimes

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

My negativity tbh

53. Favourite makeup brand?

NYX

54. Favourite store?

does food count? Coz costa omg

55. Favourite blog?

My whole dash is my fave so everyone omg

56. Favourite colour?

Blue

57. Favourite food? 

Cheesy chips omg

58. Last thing you ate?

Cheesy chips and chicken nuggets omg

59. First thing you ate this morning?

A wispa bar omg

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I dont think so?

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

Nope

62. Been arrested? For what?

nope

63. Ever been in love? 

I guess so?

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Oh god, i was young omg idk i just remember his name was dylan apparently

65. Are you hungry right now?

I dont actually know omg Im in pain tho

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

I mean they are my real friends so???

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Twitter

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?

Nope

70. Names of your bestfriends? 

Molly, Lily, G and Derrelle (Stop i know okay)

71. Craving something? What?

Chocolate omg

72. What colour are your towels?

White and blue

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

I used to

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

Oh god alot omg

75. Favourite animal?

Wolf or cat

76. What colour is your underwear?

Red

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Vanilla but both tbh

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Mint choc chip

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

Grey

80. What colour pants?

Black

81. Favourite tv show?

Voltron lets be real

82. Favourite movie?

10 things i hate about you

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean Girls (Ive never seen the second one omg)

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

21 Jump street omg

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

Janis

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

The sassy starfish

87. First person you talked to today?

My mentor

88. Last person you talked to today?

My housemate

89. Name a person you hate?

Theres a few

90. Name a person you love?

My mum

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

Not really

92. In a fight with someone?

not that i know of

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

only one

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

like 10? more?

95. Last movie you watched?

Sing!

96. Favourite actress?

I dont really have one?

97. Favourite actor?

Dylan o’Brien

98. Do you tan a lot?

I can tan quickly?

99. Have any pets?

1 cat my baby

100. How are you feeling?

Meh but im just tired

101. Do you type fast?

I think so omg

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

Oh yeah alot

103. Can you spell well?

i guess im okay omg

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

I do sometimes im not gonna lie

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

Yeah

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

sadly yeah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

When i was a kid yeah

108. What should you be doing?

Nothing i dont think?

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Not really, i dont think so

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

yep

111. Do you have trust issues?

yessssssss

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

My gf i think

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Franny

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

Yep

115. Do you play the Wii?

I used to

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yeah, the Hamilton soundtrack

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

I dont think ive ever had it?

118. Do you like Chinese food?

Only when im craving it omg

119. Favourite book?

The realm of possibility 

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

I am omg

121. Are you mean?

I can be when i feel i need to be

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No, fuck no.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

No omg

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I believe you can be infatuated with someone when you first meet them

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah… It gives me hope i guess

126. Are you currently bored?

No im in pain omg

127. What makes you happy?

My boys and the people i choose to surround myself with

128. Would you change your name?

Nah too many people know it now

129. What your zodiac sign?

Libra

130. Do you like subway?

Yeah 

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Nothing because they know im gay so they know it wont happen

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

I think it was my housemate?

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

When you’re wearyAnd the road is darkAnd I’ll guide youWith the beating of my heart

134. Can you count to one million?

Nah I’d get too bored and give up

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

That i was taller than i actually am omg

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed but open at home

137. How tall are you?

5′6 i think?

138. Curly or Straight hair?

Curly

139. Brunette or Blonde?

Brunette 

140. Summer or Winter?

Winterrrrrr

141. Night or Day?

Day

142. Favourite month?

December 

143. Are you a vegetarian?

no omg 

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milk pls

145. Tea or Coffee?

Tea

146. Was today a good day?

It was long but okay

147. Mars or Snickers?

Mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

I hate the way you’re always rightI hate it when you lieI hate it when you make me laughEven worse when you make me cry

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yep

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“my gift to her is that she shall become uglier with everyday that passes” 

[deadcatelog]

chaha,, this is why i ended up crying on the sidewalk at 12am outside of a public event i’d brought a ticket for because i wanted.......  i thought we both wanted to go........ she told me she was in the city then suddenly she says she realized she was actually in longisland and about 2hrs away from the city........ even when.

i thought were going to do something fun together again for once, since it’d been so long...... i sai d i wanted to go see it and she said she wanted to come and i told her where i was.. she has a car and i took the train which is a lot slower and; she never responded? we used to talk for hours.. then about an hour, or a little more than an hour away? maybe 2? from when the event was soupposed to start she told me she was hanging out in a lounge with some of her other friends. drinking and partying? i was nt mad she was enjoying herself but i was peevedshe didn’t even tell me she was back in the city.... even if that was the case that she ever wasn t omg... it wasso close to when the even was soupposed to start. there’s no cell service in the subway and my phone was abt to die. i texted her asking, i don’t remember? omething about the event.i think i told her i was an hr away from it and since we were both in different places and w diff. transportation situations... she took so long to respond... my phone was about to die.. im so fucking easy to fool lmao, i was curled up in the corner of a room after i finally walked in the event charging my phone for 2 hrs (the event was 3 hrs) waiting for anything... she always lets her phone die when shes out late at night. my phone was on 1% so i thought maybe hers was too so i stopped thinking about it and just sat at the bar and listened to the music. i think my last text to her was “are you coming?” i woke up in the middle of the day the next day and there was just still no response.. i should have expected this. she’s been so cold lately. she probably just realized what a fucking mess and a burden i was and that she didn’t have to do that once she saw how normal people acted towards each other. she probably didn’t want to deal with the stress......she was being nice about it and i was being an idiot. last time we hung out i pointed out that there was this function in manhattan while we were in queens after getting something to eat, we spent all day in queens until she led me into a dunking donut and sat down and we sat there for hours. she said she had to charge her phone. she had a portable charger. right before this she kept telling me how tired she was and how she wanted to go home and i protested but then i was like... ok thats fine ur tired lets go to ur car and i’ll see u off but she told me she’d parked really really far away.i didn’t mind, she was the last person whose company i enjoyed. i was so scared of the idea  that she wanted nothing to do with me. we stayed in that fucking donut shop for hours. i was tired too so i got a double expresso so we could hang out like we’d sai we’d do.... like i’d traveled 2hrs for to do.... she didn’t even talk to me almost the entire time, she was jst staring at her phone. maybe complaining about how i wouldn’t take a hint. i don’t even know who those ppl r she never told me anything about them besides the fact that some of them were older than her and they went out drinking together often. she sounded like she really liked them. i didnt care that she had other friends whose company she enjoyed so much... it made me happy to see how well she was doing after hs. god im such a fool. i’m so fucking stupid im literally fucking retarded. she;d been acting weird and distant for months. i thought that was just what is was like watching your hs friends grow up when u two were in completel different situations but there were so many times where i’d toss all my plans to prepare to travel/hang out w her just to show up and suddenly she didn’t have the time bc she had something she had to do that ...just so happened to be starting like 10 minutes after i’d traveled all the way across manhattan to see her... im a fucking idiot. she probably decided she didn’t like me anymore a long time ago after nothaving to deal w me every day and was probably trying tolet me go easy by letting me chose not to make the same dumb decisions over and over but i was so desprate to hold onto her bc no one else talks to me. an y sane person wouldn’t have stood up for that... and some times i did say to her that what it wasn’t cool to call me over and say we should hang out only to tell me she’d have to bail for an interview or something she was scheduled for like a week b4 we met up or something. she never responded to those texts. i was so scared she would decide she was mad at me and done dealing with me so i never mentioned them again even though it fucking hurt. i felt like a toy being tugged around when she got bored but immediately threw away when something else, something more important than leisure of course, came up. i dont know how to make friends. looking back on it, were we even really best friends like i thought? we were only friends for a year, maybe that wasn’t enough? i enjoyed her comapny... and S’s comapny, and sometimes A’s company so much... especilly when we were all thogether even if it was just in class. maybe im just being inconsiderate and i cant see why so im jumping to conclusions bcfrom my point of view i’m?? everything hurts again. im always the fucking dummy, the crazy psycho weirdo that even the nicest ppl could see needed to be put down before it hurt anyone or them. even someone as blind as me can see it in their fucking eyes. they get wide, they back up a bit or hunch their shoulders and stop talking and my fucking dumbass just walks forward and keeps running my dumb mouth bc all i think of it is ‘oh! what happened? they wont be able to hear me from that far away i’ll walk closer and keep taling’ ad now im just  afucking angry loser screaming like a fucking toddler on the floor about how unfair the world is when the truth is nobody deserves to fucking have to deal with me. mr g was right to fucking hate my entitled guts. ms garia was right to fucking hate my guts too while putting on a huge fake grinthat i just saw as proof that what i thought she was probably thinking of me was just my outlandish brain trying to make me feel like the entire world was fucking against me when in reality that wasn;t the case when in reality that was the case because they have a fucking reason to be. even though i wasbeginning to ate my uncle for basically cornering me all the time and listing off all the ways he thought i was stupid and disgusting and a pain to have around wasn’t he fucking right? it i it cant just i cant just run around being offended by everyone in the world and giving them the silent treatment-- even if i thought i was giving them space,how could they fucking know?? 

there probably isnt a person on this planet that would feel sympathy for my fucks. ed up situation because they suddenly have to deal with treating this entitled stupid bitch super delicately  least she hurt them. i don’t even know what i do to hurt them, but i do it anyways. im 100% sure that its just by being me. my mother always fucking screamed at me since i was little how much of a curse i was on her. i can’t imagine my brother came out of nowhere with what he was thinking when he stomped upstairs and choke slammed me against my fucking bed and screamed in my face while he shook me and stepped on my laptop after i took my food back. he called me ungrateful. he yelled it to me straight in my ear as if to force it into my head. i don’t even remember being ungrateful?? he talked about brining home food he let me eatallthe time like white astle but i thought i’d always expressed my gratitute but maybe i didn’t?? i don’t remember. i always felt like id din. 

there’s a fucking REASON why EVERYONE i meet thinks im a fucking liar and more than worthy of their distain and being put in my place whether it meant i’d get my feelings or my fucking face hurt. everyone wants me to apologize to my brother. and my mother. everyone thinks im being an unreasonable cunt. EVERYONE in my family has shown distain or disapointment in me. it doesnteven fucking matter that i was ableto get into one of the best schools in the country. now i just get even more people outright avoiding me or confronting me bout how much of a fucking disgrace they think i am. my fucking exsistance is always a major fucking burden on everyone around me. it just keeps happening again and againandn again and i keep trying to change but the cycle never stops. it doesnt matter how good of a persn i run into, after having to deal w me for a few weeks they’ll start pushing me out of the way if im walking too slow or step on my toes or avoid me and talk about me behind my back. i can imagine it.... i’ve always told myself i was wrong and oerthinking myself but it always turns out to be true and its always worse than i imagned they’re always way more pissed off at me for my bullshit and that hurts more than any ~over anxious thinking~ i could tell myself. they dont deserve to have to deal with a fucking demon like me but im fucking human too and it hurts so fuking bad. i an see how much they hate me or are pissed to have to put up with me. my uncle told me a few weeks ago that he wish i knew how much he wanted to fucking hurt me when he came back to his apartment and saw the mess i made... i swear to god i was letting the fucking meat defrost... it was 1am bu i was up the entire time; i was making burgers. there were two and the first one was fucking raw and frozen on the inside despite deforsting it in the microwave. he asked me over and over again when school was starting again. i wanted to cry at how obvious it was he wanted me fucking out. i thought i just had bad luck witht my mom but that made me realize it wasn’t fucking bad luck it was all my own fault. probably from the very beginning. i couldn’t help that i didn’t want towash the dishes then and did eveything i ould to get out of it with her. i couldn’t help that even though i did wash the dishes and cleaned up after myself that i let everything aroun d me get so bad before i did something about it. back then i just didnt want to do it and i thought it was unfair that i was always the one to clean the dishes all the time while tony only had to tae out th e trash once a week or so. every time she told me to get off my ass and wash the dishes it was so fucking full it made me mad that i was cleaning up after everyone else. and every time i pointed that out of course both of them were aginst me. she and he told me in their own ways they bot h thought it was only fair. 

that fucking bitch. she wasn’t even anywhere close to fucking proud when i got into columbia. her voice was flat the entire time, i tried to get her excited so hard. i knew she cared about money, i told her how much money a school like this could help me make and it was basically fucking radio scilence. and i wasn’t even anywhere comfortable, i was at this place in brooklyn (fucking brooklyn, fuck brooklyn) for this other girl i’d just become friends with (that’s a lie, i dont become friends w ppl idk how she just picked me up like a dog off the dtreet. she told me she liked to do that with people once)and this new teacher that got so pissed at me when i wandered off like i wasn’t fucking 30 days off from being 18 years instead of 8 years old... my heart was singing. i’d finally gotten into my dream school and she didn’t care, and then she didn’t care either. they were both probably so fucking annoyed it hurt ind ifferent ways i didnt want to talk about it anymore. i wanted to hug everyone around me, for the first time in so long i felt like my world lit up in a billion colors and i could finally be happy iforever but it was like... no one felt the same way. i get a bigger reaction from strangers who can briefly relate to me off of some superficial shit all the time than i did. i’d lost that feeling after that. it went from winning the lottery to just another academic achievement that nobody but me and a few other poor souls that probably had to feel obligated to say something nice even gave a shit about. those types, i cant even imagine im an entire person to them. i’m just some symbol of like... society as a whole not being... fucking i dont know,? even this sounds fucking arragont and hell coming out my my mouth nowthat i type it out... lmao mr. g just gave me this fucking look after the announcement took place for the rest of the year. i wanted him to acknowledge that he was wrong about me so bad, haha, that he was wrong to hate me but of course why would being the first student in the history of our shitty fucking school to even get in shitting distance of an ivy league mean anything to him? he probably figured i got in bc i was black, and poor and using that + lies to trick the adoffiers to let me in. ms garcia too. she would hardly speak to me after that. her eyes seemed to burn whenever i met them. i... never thought that they were wrong, i couldn’t shake the enthusiasim i’d lost inside of me after the other day. i( can’t imagine they thought i was anything less than absolutely coddled and spoiled athome while my entire family stroked my ego and did my every bidding since it would probably explain why i acted the way i did in class and schooli guess. fuck i cant even remember more than half the shit i did in hs.)but wasn’t going to just so happen to speak about how great if feels to know that i was probably going to be set for life, for a great fanatastic life, when they were alwyas just barely keeping their mouths shut from calling me a a fucking retarded entitled cunt every time i opened my mouth and it pissed them off.

god no wonder they hated me. im losing my train of thought. i hate myself. i hate myself so much. i don’t even know wit when im hurting other ppl andyeti was always this self righteous bastard who claimed i only cared about others bc i did community service (that no one ever saw since i didn’t do it in school.... so it would be easy to just think that im just a lyingbitch trying to get attention and shit i dont deserve.... like w this admission offer lol)

everyone whose nice to me eventually learns it was a fucking mistake.i seethe way people look at me so clearly now, but still its neveruntil its too late i still dont fucking know what i do to piss everyone around me off all the time. everyone i figured was pretty smart around me always tended to avoid me or get angry at me for no reaosn i could explain. lmao. andr saw it too, she couldn’t stand being around me after a certainpoint. i dont have friends. ive never had friends like everyone else had friends. just fucking sympathizers (”why do you even speak to her?” just someone looking out for someone they loved when i did some dumb shit to them) i wish i had a knife so i could slit my throat right here. maybe then someone will read it and understand that i dont mean it but onestly would they?? am i getting anything less than i fucking deserve?? it doesnt matter if i don’t like it, i’m always brining fucking painful unnecessary bullshit into people’s lifes and make even the kindest people want to fucking rip my guts out for it. there’s a noose tied up to my closet right now but i please just please don’t want to suffer anymore.i dont want toknow what its like to be homeless, but idid this to myself. i’ve always fucking did this to myself. all my shit is password protected. i want to see myself as a martyr so bad but a martyr wouldn’t try and force someone to read this shit and try and make them feel bad for shit they barely had anything to do with that im just trying to drag them into bc i want to feel good about myself, and they only was i an accomplish that is by making other people feel bad?? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

a few weeks ag  i told myself i wouldn’t do it in my dorm because i didn’t want to make other people comfortable. i dont want anyone to come and see my body next to the fucking pigsty i always seem to create wherever i go. i dont want them to have to see my half naked body, but i didnt have any clean clothes. clothes... i jsut spent over 100 on some fucking jeans and a denim jaket bc i wanted it even though i can’t really afford it. me bac k on my bullshit again, of course.oh my god oh mygod. fucking hell god dammit. but isnt this nothing less than i desevre anyway? for making so many poor innocent people have to endure my fucking insane ly uncomfortable awkwardness and the natural hellfire that surrounds me and i was born with and burns everyone around me except for me. is it really so objectively terrible when they burn me back?? they don’t know that i dont have any idea what im doing. they dont know what goes on in my head. i learned to destroy my own feelingsand shut down my human reactions while i was livnngin that hell hole........the second hellhole i came from,theone here on earthnot the one ispwaned in lol.

i really dont even want to hink about the anger the peoplewhove trulygotten to know me will go through if i did die like this. everyone around them will be superifcially mourning and they wouldnt be able to say anything bad, haha~ about me because of the social pressure or w.e, they’dprobably feel terrible themselves because i know even thoughthey hate me and hurt me or want to hurt me or lie to me to hurt me or laugh ifthey make me flinch they’d probablyfeel bad about how glad they feel and should feel for having thishorriblehellcritter whipe herselfoff the face of the earth. and everyone elsewill think im pathetic, of course. so many people already know howpathetici am. theyll ust roll their eyes in annoyance and grumble how i did everything to deserve the shit i went through, and that it was pathetic how i canttake half the shiti dish out.then they;ll go on with their lives nd i’ll be dead and forgotten and the world can cheer silently that im finally gone.

[ashanimus]

Im so fucking angry. I spend the whole week trying to calm down and my friends being super patient with me for the MRI on Saturday and as soon as I feel like things just MIGHT be okay NEW MYSTERY SYMPTOMS on my FACE appear that once again arent going to have any meaningful answers for who knows how the fuck long. I hate this. Im straight back to Monday where I’m so terrified Im unable to focus on anything, everything feels pointless and yet for some perverse reason I’m still not eager to die. 

I hate this. I hate this so much. It’s like god wants me to hope the MRI is going to turn up brain cancer. I guess it serves me right for passively thinking “try harder to kill me if you want me to die you indecisive son of a bitch”

I was like. Peaceful. I was peaceful, and had sort of accepted that I might get an awful result but also embracing the possibility of something mild, but treatable. Now I’m just straight into the abyss again, miserably thinking ONCE AGAIN about what Im going to have to do if this is an irrecoverable medical situation and trying to brace for the pain of saying goodbye to everyone while Im still cogent enough to do so while considering the neatest option for an exist from this awful shitty mortal existence when all I want to do is stay here in this shitty mortal existence with the people I care about. 

I was even happy, doing normal things and having normal conversations, coping with the fear and doing okay. And now this happens. I just. I literally have no idea. 

I wish that whatever ends up happening to be it will be quick. I wish that I had died in the car crash, I wish I had succumbed to the fever, I wish that I had drowned during my diver certification. I wish that I had died as an infant, way back then when it was sheer dumb luck that saved me. Those all would have been better deaths than this fucking hell of constantly dangling on the precipice of a terminal diagnosis.

But I know it fucking won’t be, because if I’ve learned anything from this life they’re going to tell me I’m looking forward to five years of dying before my personality and memory slips away and I bloat and deform into some kind of tumorous alien bullshit and finally die an unrecognizable lump of useless flesh.

Which isn’t going to happen because given that I can affect approximately 1% of the things that happen in my life I’ll at least take that much into my own fucking hands but GOD I dont want that to happen. But people are going to be upset, and ask me to fight, and I just. Dont know if I want to anymore.

I have zero fear of what comes after. I used to have comfort thinking there was a god who felt something more for his creations than impassiveness or wrath an d like lots of kids growing up I believed I would have peace when this is all done. I’ll be glad if its just nothingness since at least everything stops. 

I’m way more scared about the pain of dying, the panic I’ll doubtless feel as I stagger into its embrace if I end up going with assisted suicide or some shit--seeing the expression on people’s faces or hearing them cry (because you have to have a witness). Obviously the pain of having to say goodbye before you walk away and you both know you’re never ever coming back and that’s really it.

Literally despite everything, I dont want it to be over. Maybe Im just a sick fuck with a twisted case of Stockholm syndrome, greedy for an endless physical punishment and miserable uncertainty and horrible surprises that have defined close to the last decade of my life.

The worst thing is that the people who get to deal with this--REALLY deal with it are all the people who were good and kind and unfortunate enough to end up loving me and the world or god or whatever is cruel enough to make sure there are lots of them!!! (but of course, none of them are close enough to be here or show up at my wake, because that’d be too good and too easy and too much comfort). 

It just makes me feel like my whole life was a total cosmic joke and that the only reason I existed at all was for people to love and get attached to me and now they all have to watch me drown in acid. It hurts too much not to scream and there’s not a fucking thing anyone can do to save me. 

If there’s a god, I was raised to defend you, and try to love you, and be patient and understanding that there was a point to it all. That I, as an individual, mattered to you just because I was me. But I have PERSONALLY KNOWN good people who died pointlessly in stupid accidents, people who make a difference and I see that bad guys and the worst of humanity are rewarded and enjoy their tenure here and die old and surrounded by vast caches of shit they never needed.

The problem of evil, man. What I’m going through sucks, but then you look at shit like child cancer and realize there’s no reason for this to happen, no reason at all and NOTHING, no “lesson” or “wisdom” gained for anyone left behind--if there is indeed a kind being at the center of all this--that’s worth the misery and death and strength of a child. Literally nothing is worth that!! Why in the fabric of the universe was that kind of shit built into it???

this is all going to be super embarrassing because this whole stupid blather fest and the ones that will come are probably textbook examples of the five stages of grief or whatever. 

Im super angry--and liable to stay that way though. I accept nothing and if there is life after death and I’m faced with any sort of creator the ONLY thing I’ll be accepting of is an apology for making the world this breakable when they had the power to not.