#my goal is to be healthy. i’m already halfway there baby

[aniposting]

i was gonna ask my parents for life series merch for christmas but the sizing is too small (rlly only up to 3x?) :((

[clotpolesonly]

First Is The Worst

for the Stiles Shipping Central discord monthly ficlet exchange, and @asarcasticwitch​!! first time fail sex for Sterek, though tbh it’s like 80% bickering and 20% sex, lmao

| Sterek | E | 1k | First Time | Blow Jobs | Premature Ejaculation | Banter |

(also on AO3)

--

Stiles tripped over the threshold of his own bedroom. In his defense, he had a slab of hot, muscular werewolf pressed up against him and gnawing on his neck, so his feet weren’t getting a whole lot of his attention.

Derek kept him from hitting the floor, at least. “You’re a disaster, you know that?”

“Oh yeah?” Stiles tugged Derek closer by the shirt and kicked the door shut behind him. “Well, you’re still here, so—”

“Don’t make me question my life choices before I’ve even finished making them.”

Stiles snorted and kissed the judgy look off his stupidly handsome face. He would’ve made a pithy comment, but Derek was hoisting him up like he weighed nothing and that little show of strength distracted him a bit. 

Then Derek was throwing him. He hit the bed, which was probably the goal, but his head also hit the wall with a decent thunk. Stiles let out a stream of curses. Derek was already halfway out of his clothes, snickering.

“Laugh it up, fucker,” Stiles muttered. “See if I suck your dick after this.”

Derek rolled his eyes. “Quit whining, you big baby.” He ran his fingers through Stiles’ hair, though, and the dull throb ebbed. “See? You’re fine. Now, are you going to get naked or not?”

Still grumbling, Stiles yanked his shirt off over his head and began wiggling his way out of his jeans. When he almost ended up on the floor, he started thinking it might not have been the best idea to wear his tightest pair when he was hoping to get laid. They looked great on, but the removal process left something to be desired. Derek almost took a knee to the foot before Stiles was fully liberated, which elicited more swearing from both of them.

Kissing got them back on an even keel. They were good at kissing! They should have been kissing for months by now, but they were dumb and stubborn, and it had taken a night of clubbing and copious jealousy-inducing groping from drunken strangers to get them to this point. There had been some dancing, some fighting, and (finally) some sappy shit in the alley behind Sinema that would’ve made a Hallmark movie cringe. And don’t get him wrong, Stiles loved the sappy shit! It had been very warm and fuzzy and satisfying, not to mention long overdue. Now, though, they were men on a mission, and that mission was to make up for lost time.

Derek pressed Stiles down into the bed, a sinuous motion of his hips making Stiles’ brain melt a little. He was so distracted by the delicious friction of skin on skin, it took him a minute to register it when Derek nipped at his ear and growled, “Gonna fuck you so good.”

Reluctantly but with some urgency, Stiles tugged him back by the hair. “Wait, why do you automatically assume I’m gonna bottom? Do I just look that much like a twink?”

Derek raised his eyebrows, head waggling back and forth.

With a noise of outrage, Stiles squirmed his way out from under him. “Way to stereotype me, Derek! Real classy. You can’t know my sexual preferences just by looking at me! I thought you knew better than to make assumptions based on—”

“Oh my god, fine,” Derek groaned. He threw himself down onto the bed, legs akimbo. “If it’ll make you stop bitching, I’ll bottom. Get the lube.”

Stiles froze. Partly because the sight of Derek Hale sprawled out and touching himself in naughty places could stop traffic any day of the week. And partly because… 

“…Do you seriously not have lube?”

“I have lube!” Stiles yanked open his bedside drawer. Rummaging turned up three empty bottles and a whole lot of tissues. “Okay, so I may have used it all.”

“Stiles!”

“Look, I have a healthy appetite for self pleasure and very bad resource management skills, you can’t blame me for—”

“Just shut up and suck my dick.”

Stiles made sure to knee Derek in the side as he clambered into position. The dick in question was of moderate size, but it still managed to jab Stiles in the tonsils on his first attempt. Stiles gagged hard enough that Derek actually looked concerned.

“As you may have guessed,” Stiles wheezed, waving him off, “I’ve never done this before.”

Derek snorted and fell back against the pillows. “Well, don’t hurt yourself.”

Stiles ignored him. His second attempt was much better anyway. Passable, even, judging by the way Derek rocked up into his mouth with a stuttered moan. He pulled Stiles’ hair too, which Stiles thought was rude until he realized it wasn’t just a bossy thing but an attempt to warn him. A second later, he had a throatful of salty bitterness. He pulled off, coughing, just to get the rest of Derek’s cum splattered on his face. Stiles wiped it off gingerly.

“Thanks for that,” he said, smacking his lips; on second thought, the taste wasn’t that bad. “What was that, thirty seconds? Who’s the disaster now, huh?”

Derek had his arm thrown over his face. His ears were pink, though. Stiles let his forehead thunk down onto Derek’s stomach, a laugh bubbling up in him that doubled with the oof the impact earned him. Derek unearthed himself from his elbow to grin sheepishly down at him.

“I’m willing to admit that we’re both disasters.”

Stiles propped his chin up on Derek’s hip and hummed thoughtfully. “You don’t sound too put out about that. But then, you’re not the one who still hasn’t gotten to come yet, so—”

Derek yanked Stiles up the bed and kissed him before he could finish his complaint. His hand found its way to Stiles’ cock, too dry and too rough and somehow still fantastic.

“We can fix that,” he said against Stiles’ lips. “And besides, practice makes perfect, doesn’t it?”

Stiles was too busy getting his dick sucked to reply, but he thought Derek was probably right.

[cruzrogue]

Broken

Ch1 (an olicity AU story.)

It’s a cloudy miserable noon with a chance of rain. So far today nothing has gone her way.  Finding herself grabbing another coffee because the first one was full of grinds. The only perk of her job is endless bagels and mediocre coffee.

Her sigh remnants through the small breakroom. Mumbling to herself, “You’d think a multi-billion-dollar company could afford better coffee.”

The only other occupant in the room snorts, “They wouldn’t make so much money if they gave their slaves… I mean employees premium coffee.”

“I Guess.” Placing enough sugar and cream in her cup. She deserves this. Especially being free from a call she finished up where a Queen Consolidated employee who seemed to be locked out of their computer had such a terrible attitude.

She had dreams. Aspirations. They all vanished when her boyfriend was lost somewhere in the Northern China Sea.

“It looks like it is going to rain hard soon.”

“I hate rain.” Her eyes move from the small tv showing a weather update to the overhead windows. The sky is getting darker by the second.

“Yes, you’ve mentioned it was a rainy night when you and your boyfriend got into a fight. He left and never returned.”

Felicity stares at him. She’s never told anyone the full story.

“Yea, something like that.”

Her life has changed dramatically in the last few years. To be clear. It’s been five years since her heart was ripped out from her chest.

“What a deadbeat.” Her coworker keeps going, “Wasn’t he the father of your three kiddos?”

“I better get back to my cube.” Pointing to her work area, “See you around Cooper.” She doesn’t wait for his own goodbye as she hightails it out of there.

Single moms aren’t his thing. It doesn’t stop Cooper from checking out her nice legs. She’s one of those MILFs he’d wouldn’t mind one night with. No strings attached kind of way. Too bad she’s pegged down with three kids.

As the breakroom is now void of anyone viewing the broadcast. Headlines appear. Oliver Queen has been found. After his five-years of being considered dead. He will be coming home. To reunite with his family.

Moira Queen face appears on screen, “It is a miracle with that of my young daughter’s prayers were answered.” She appears to hold back tears of joy. The camera than pans to the man by her side. Under his picture the viewers are reminded about his amnesia. How his bodyguard pulled him out of the turbulent water to a life raft.

Robert Queen has a few words, “My son is alive. After all these years of mourning. There is nothing worse than waking up not remembering anything that transpired. It has been my greatest failure as a father. I get a second chance. My boy is alive.”

The station airs a few more minutes of a recap of the Queen tragedy before the headline repeats its saying, ‘Oliver Queen has been found… Alive!’

As the hard rain begins to pellet against the building.

Felicity’s glancing at a photo of her three munchkins. Oliver was such a hands-on dad. Their first pregnancy was accidental. Their second was totally planned. Their third, well… she was alone for that one. His voyage with his father resulted in his death.

Life has a funny way of working out.

What does it matter that she was a prodigy child? At fourteen she was admitted to M.I.T. Her brain revered. Still is. It’s just… She doesn’t have passion to continue with her once upon a time active goal.

Losing Oliver was a knife to her zeal to conquer the technical world. Without his support she’s withered away in a gloomy existence. Somehow pushing forward due to motherhood. Seeing a piece of him in each of their children.

All it took was an eighteen-year-old boy to break her full academic resolve. She fell in love at first sight. It took awhile to become lovers because of her age. It didn’t stop them from spending each free moment together. Learning, appreciating, falling deeper, and the respect was always there. That when their bodies shared a special dance that carried them forward to wanting a life to be forever bound.

The most bizarre thing in all this. His parents didn’t approve of his affiliation with a minor back during their college years. They kept their relationship a secret. With the quarrel that led to Oliver giving her some space she felt to guilty to approach his family. They just lost their son.

Even though her babies are a joyful creation. If Oliver’s parents didn’t accept her in the past. She doesn’t ever want an eternal battle of custody. Powerful people have ways to win against dreamers like her.

To many people it is unfathomable that she’d keep the lineage of her children hidden. Maybe one day. When her kids are old enough to understand. For now, it is a secret that she carries.      

It takes her stomach to growl to even leave her post. Maybe a bagel will suffice until quitting time. Moving past some coworkers who seem to be gathered around animatedly gossiping. It takes a name to stop her in her tracks.

“What?”

“You haven’t heard?”

She shakes her head no, “Heard what?”

“The boss man’s son has returned.”

“What?” She shakes her head. Why is this conversation not making any sense to her, “Who?”

A name yet to be supplied but a few coworkers point to the breakroom.

“It’s all over the news.”

Felicity doesn’t wait. Hearing Oliver’s name once was enough to have her in a daze. She makes it to the room and any hunger she had seems to be forgotten. Her eyes scanning the headlines. Her world is spun upside down or is it right side up? It doesn’t take long as her head spins all the new information. Her Oliver is alive.

“He’s alive!” She can’t contain how much hearing this is just so overwhelming, “He’s coming home.” Hearing some voices agree that he is coming back to Starling City. She would find it amusing if the voices didn’t drown away as a dizziness overtakes her. Falling. Falling upon the carpeted floor. Not hearing the same voices sounding panicked.

“Felicity?”

Her name again said out loud. To be answered by a moan.

“Ms. Smoak?”

Felicity doesn’t want to open her eyes. It’s a harsh light waiting for her. Squinting she tries to cooperate with the voice.

“Welcome back. You had us all worried.”

“I’m okay.”

“There is an ambulance on the way.”

“No. No need.” Is mumbled out. “I’ll be okay.”

“Ms. Smoak, it is policy to make sure you are alright. I’ll give you some forms and they’ll need to be filled out before you can return to work.”

“Okay.” Is softly spoken. Felicity feels lightheaded. She just hallucinated that her boyfriend is alive. Maybe it purgatory. Even though she doesn’t believe in purgatory. It is the hellish state to want him back so bad. Their last words said of anger. She’s already exhausted every nightmare trying to make things right.

“Alright then. They’re here. Please remain seated I’m just going to handle their arrival.”

The woman leaves Felicity alone in what seems to be an examination room. Afraid to pass out again she remains seated. This has never happened before. Fainting by wanting something so bad. Crying her eyes out. Crying to the point of exhaustion. Now that is something she knows of well.

How will she explain to the medical professional she passed out thinking the love of her life miraculously came back to her. Just out of the blue she’s so overemotional. Thinking about a man for the longest time. Didn’t believe was gone. How cruel is her mind? That when she finally admits he is never coming back. She’d have an episode.  

 Across the city at Starling General. Oliver Queen is being checked out. His family insistent that he have a medical professional make sure he is truly fine. The media is playing that he has been found and is awaiting extradition out of the US Embassy in China. The truth of the matter is he was found days ago. He silently made it back states side early this morning. He has yet to see his parents. Glad to know his father is alright.

He is anxious.

What he wants... no what he needs is to know of his children. Know how Felicity is? Five years is a long time. The fear that has taken so many dreaded nights. Did he lose her? Their last words to each other harsh.

Is their another raising his children? His parents unaware of their grandchildren. His mind going all over the place. On the trip before that horrifying night. Oliver told his dad about his granddaughters. Of how he felt about another little one on the way. He was ecstatic.

At first, he kept his relationship from his parents because they weren’t keen on him courting a minor. They wouldn’t believe him if he were to say they never consummated their love until she was ready. He understood the ramifications society holds. Yet, age between them was just numbers. It’s not like he was a party boy like his high school self.

Meeting the blued eyed prodigy. He was quickly under her spell.

He regrets that he kept his growing family a secret. His love for Felicity should have never been under wraps. The moment they graduated from their prestigious schools. He should have pushed. Should have fallen on one knee and asked her to be his bride. Should have not listened to her newest reasons that she wanted to succeed without his family’s help.

Understanding that his father and a few of the crew made it out alive. He was pushed out on the wreckage further away. That when the storm calmed, he was already halfway to purgatory. His father’s amnesia keeping both sides of his family from connecting.

His thoughts are on his kids. Two he helped name. One he wonders if he has another sweet daughter or a little boy. Are they healthy? Doing well? His little Maple she’d be about seven of age. Ava would be five. His youngest almost four.

His youngest. Every thought that comes about is agonizing.

Felicity didn’t have him to lean on. Which means she either was alone or another somebody took his place. It guts him to even picture his young children calling someone else daddy.

Five years. Five years in turmoil.

He’s back. He’ll find his family. No matter what. He’ll apologize to Felicity over and over until she knows those angry words were of a silly man being hurt.  

Now he waits. Looking out of a hospital window. Waiting for familiar voices to come and claim their lost child. He needs this as much as they will. To be home. To be among those he loves. He missed so much. So much time lost.

He can feel the yearning come tenfold as a familiar voice is heard behind the hospital door of his room.

[becomingdrmommy]

23 weeks

I’m 23 whole weeks pregnant. I’m in awe. It feels like I just found out I was pregnant. Most times that I feel him move, I’m so completely smitten I can’t stop myself from smiling. Other times (ie: when I’m finally comfortable and halfway asleep) I’m not filled with so much joy, but it still makes me laugh. He loves to get active when I’m ready for bed. I just talk to him quietly or rub on him until I drift off. I feel like I can tell his little personality already even though I know that’s not the case. I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or it he’s actually aware, but he always calms down when I start singing to him. I know at this stage he is aware of sounds, but it’s still so surreal to think that he’s aware of my singing or talking to him. I love this feeling. 

I’ve really been focusing on my baby, myself, and school. Everything and everyone else has to be placed on the back burner right now. If you’re not helping me with either of those three, I just can’t see it for you right now. It’s made a few people upset and I’ve been called selfish more times that I can count. However, it’s not selfish to put my child first. Focusing on school and doing well with that will only progress us further and set us up for a great future. He gets to see him mother accomplishing her goals and doing what she loves. That’s important for him to see. Focusing on myself is of the utmost importance because I’m carrying him. I have to be healthy, mentally and physically, so that he is as well. Focusing on him is a given. But, because I’m no longer over-extending myself for others sake, I’m selfish. It bothered me for awhile. I was trying to find a balance between what’s best for me and my family and what’s best for everyone else. But, it’s me and mine over everyone else. Ever since I changed my mindset and my focus, my stress has been decreased. I’ve been feeling better and I think I’m even looking better. 

I’ve completed our registry, but I’m nervous to actually give out the link to it. I just feel weird about asking people to buy us stuff. I don’t know. We’ve bought some stuff off of the registry ourselves. My best friends are begging me for the registry so I’m going to send it to them. I just don’t want them to feel obligated to get anything, but I know that’s not how they feel at all. He’s super excited to get the crib & set it up. I love seeing him so excited over our son. Hearing him say, “my boy” just warms my heart 10x over. There’s a gleam in his eye when he talks about our baby and I absolutely love that.

As far as symptoms, definitely back pain. I’m popping out for real now. I’m not really ready for the whole world to know so I’ve still been “hiding” my bump. I’m small so you can’t really tell under my winter sweaters anyway. However, I think we’re getting to the point where it’ll be completely noticeable no matter what. I’ve been having Braxton Hicks still and yes, I still hate them. I’m still having daily headaches and migraines. The magnesium doesn’t seem to be helping. I don’t drink caffeine anymore so, not really sure what else to do. Still having heart palpitations with minor bouts of faintness. We’ll be doing an EKG and running some tests to make sure it’s nothing major going on. I haven’t had too much round ligament pain lately which I’m extremely grateful for. My exhaustion levels are still up, but I fight through it. My gums seem to be bleeding a lot lately. I know it’s normal at this stage, but it’s still frustrating. Also, pregnancy brain is on 1000. 

All in all, I’m in good spirits and doing well and Baby is doing well too. That’s a big relief compared to where I have been lately. I feel like my focus has shifted and I’ve turned over a new leaf. I’m just loving on myself and loving on my baby boy who’s currently playing the drums on my stomach lol

[cyn-00]

Moreid one shot, 19 - "healing me"

Season 10, episode 16 "Lockdown" (it's the one where the team is called in a maximum protection prison in Texas to investigate the murders of two guards; they were murdered by some inmates because they used to beat up/bully some of them and even killed one. While Morgan and Callahan are interviewing one of the guards who is about spit it all out, another guard opens up like a dozen of cells; the convicts escape and tie up/kick/punch repeatedly both Derek and Kate. They only stop because one of the convicts - Julio Watson - tells the others they are feds)

@svn-f1ower-cm - unawarely - inspired me to write this because I'm a sucker for Hurt Derek + Caring Spencer and there's a disappointing amount of these types of fic - we almost always see it the other way around :(

(also I know I basically almost just posted a fic but like... I can't stop you know)

Inaccuracy: I believe in the episode Kate and Derek are tied up with handcuffs. In here I mention plastic cable ties...oopsie doopsie

Read it on AO3

-------------

Rossi was driving. Morgan and Reid were in the backseats of the SUV; in the other one were riding Hotch, Kate and JJ. They were heading to a hotel to get a - hopefully - good night's sleep before flying back to Quantico in the morning.

Kate, in particular, had protested because she wanted to get out of there as soon as she could - she already knew both her and Derek were gonna spend the night haunted by nightmares about what had happened to them; let alone if they weren't home, far from the place they were attacked. Hotch, though, had insisted that they stay there.

The "good night's sleep to start fresh in the morning" was nothing short of an excuse: he didn't wanna mention that he felt more comfortable knowing his two injured agents could get a hand with their wounds if needed at least for one night, since, having booked the rooms with little to no advance - it's not like they walked in that prison expecting to be beaten up - they'd had to double up: Rossi and him, Callahan with JJ, Morgan with his boyfriend. Hotch knew if he had mentioned it, he'd have gained at leastest Derek's complaints if not Kate's, too.

-

Morgan had been staring blankly at the moving landscape out of the window since the moment they'd got in the car, trying to wash that nauseous feeling off of his stomach - the way his seatbelt was pressing onto his sore abdomen was surely not making it any better.

He swallowed a puddle of bitter saliva pooled up in his mouth and rubbed his eyes vigorously with his fingers.

"Looking firmly ahead should make the nausea better. Incessant eye movement is only gonna increase the sickness."

Derek turned his head toward Spencer's voice, sitting by the other window instead of on the central backseat right beside him - he had correctly figured he would want some space.

"I know."

"At least move to the front sea-" Reid's phrase got interrupted halfway by his phone buzzing in his jacket pocket.

"Garcia?" he answered.

Morgan sighed and shook his head. He should've known better than to not return her calls: she counted on the well-acknowledged fact that Spencer's heart was too pure to avoid her, contrary to what Derek had done.

"Your boyfriend is blatantly ignoring me." she pouted.

Spencer scoffed. "Not surprised."

"But is he okay?? Kate didn't sound OK when I called her. At least, 'shell-shocked trembly voice' doesn't equal 'OK' in my book."

"Well then I guess he is ok in your book?" he quickly glanced over to Derek, who was staring down at his hands in his lap but clearly attempting to eavesdrop the conversation.

"Then can you convince him to talk to me? DEREK MORGAN I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!" she yelled, causing Spencer to snatch the phone away from his ear to avoid going deaf at her squeaky voice, with a grimace that showed a hint of amusement.

"Tell her that I'm fine." Derek said, unable to keep a slight grin from playing at the corners of his lips. He guessed it was Penelope's goal all along. It always was.

"I did!" Spencer said. "Garcia, he's fine." he got back to speaking to her.

"I can confirm, he's still your healthy piece of chocolate- or whatever you call him." Rossi added jokingly from the front.

"You heard that?"

"Ok! Fine! I heard you! Will you take care of him, though?"

Spencer giggled shyly at that. "Yeah. I will take care of him." he replied lowering his voice significantly - he wanted Derek alone to hear. He received a glance and a snort from him at that.

They stared into each other's eyes for a while, before Penelope spoke up again.

"And...will you do me another favor, Boy Wonder?"

"Anything."

"Will you hold his hand for me?"

Spencer chuckled again. "Give me a second." he unbuckled his seatbelt and scooted to the seat right beside Derek, buckling up again with one hand.

Derek's pupils followed his movements with a confused smirk on his face. "Wha-"

"Shut up, just following orders." Spencer cut him off, sliding his hand on Derek's lap to lace their fingers tightly together.

"Done." he assured Garcia.

"You're a guarantee, Spencer Reid."

"I sure am." his gaze on Derek didn't waver.

"Mwah. I'll see you tomorrow, my heroes."

"Bye Penelope." he hung up.

Spencer brought his boyfriend's hand to his mouth, to place gentle kisses on his bruised knuckles.

"That an order, too?" Derek asked, looking at him with heart eyes.

"Nope. This is a bonus." Spencer replied, smiling.

"I see..." Morgan nodded with a grin just as wide printed on his face, shifting his look ahead of them.

For a second, he caught Rossi's smiling eyes from the rear view mirror.

-

- half an hour later

-

Morgan opened the door to their room and was invested all over again by a sickening feeling. The window was small, every piece of furniture was a dull shade of grey/beige-ish color, and it smelled like...sadness. Hotch would sure as hell regret deciding to stay the night after seeing those rooms.

Reid dropped both their go-bags on one of the single beds and stared at Morgan as he kicked his shoes off and sat on the mattress, elbows digging holes in his knees. He sighed and got closer, standing on his feet.

He reached a hand down to caress Derek's nape affectionately, satisfied with how his shoulders immediately relaxed at the touch. Derek tilted his chin up to meet his gaze, and Spencer could swear his heart swelled when seeing on his face what he guessed was the famous "puppy-eye look" he always accused him of pulling off.

He slightly smiled down at him. "You wanna shower first?"

"Yeah." he nodded.

Derek finally stood up and looked at him with something akin to a guilty expression. "...thanks"

"For what?" Spencer leaned in to gently kiss his temple. "do you need help?"

"To shower?" Derek snorted, while browsing in his bag for his sweats and a t-shirt.

"...doesn't hurt to ask, right?" Spencer nipped shyly at his bottom lip.

"Baby, I'm fine. I'll let you know if I need anything."

Spencer nodded, trying to contain his smile at the pet name as Derek turned on his heels and disappeared in the bathroom.

-

Morgan found himself regretting refusing the offer when even bending down to pull his pants off turned out to be a painful motion.

He sucked it up and proceeded to remove the bandages the medics had wrapped around his torso, and the band-aid Spencer had insisted that they put on the cut on his brow bone. The bruises on his belly were still burning red and purple, and the scratch layered over them was fresh like it was made a minute before - he hissed in pain when the bandage sticked slightly to it while trying to peel it off.

Much to his relief, the warm water of the shower seemed to soothe down the soreness - at least temporarily. The other, nasty side of the coin, though, was that it made the cuts itch even more.

He tried to clean himself and his wounds as best as he could, considering the limited range of motions the pain allowed him to engage in and how little longer his legs could keep him standing from the exhaustion.

Unfortunately enough, when he got out of the shower he felt 20 lbs heavier, and the swelling of his left shoulder had worsened - if it was even possible. He bet Spencer had trusted him to know he should've showered cold. Maybe he shouldn't have been so trustful, despite how Derek would've sure as hell rolled his eyes if he'd tried to remind him.

He managed to put his sweats on through clenched teeth, and sat on the crappy stool in the corner of that crappy bathroom of their crappy hotel room, to re-do the medication, hoping it would come out at least half as effective as how the medics on the ambulance had done it.

And just like that, as expected, when he tried to reach his hand down for the antiseptic he had - stupidly - placed on the tiled floor; a stabbing twinge of pain pierced through his left shoulder and spread like an electric shock down his spine.

It was probably time to swallow his pride.

-

Spencer took advantage of the time Derek was spending in the bathroom to finally put his pajamas on - he was too tired to think of showering. He'd do that in the morning before leaving.

He was sitting on the bed, reading a book, or at least trying to: every single noise that came from the bathroom's direction made him wince in alertness.

"Fuck-"

-

When he heard the bit-back cursing, he jumped on his feet and headed to the other room in a matter of seconds.

"Derek? E- Everything ok?" he asked through the closed door. He didn't wanna seem too worried or too pushy, he new Derek couldn't stand it - but he was worried.

"Yeah..." Morgan made a pause not long enough for Reid to answer. "actually... Can- can you come in here for a sec?"

Spencer opened the door and was immediately absorbed in a cloud of hot steam, condensing on the mirror and the sliding glass door of the shower.

He turned to his right to find Derek shut-eyed sitting in the corner of the small bathroom, his head leaning back on the wall and a hand pressed on his shoulder.

"You showered with hot water??" Spencer was well aware of sounding like a teacher scolding his student. He couldn't have cared less.

"Jeez Spencer, I forgot, alright? Didn't even cross my mind to shower ice-cold."

The younger man sighed and shook his head. He looked around for the t-shirt Derek was wearing before showering.

"Let's see if this works..." he mumbled to himself while filling up the sink with cold water - the coldest it could get. He dipped the cotton piece of clothing in it, making sure it was thoroughly soaked; shivering as goosebumps grew on his forearms.

He wrung out the shirt of the excess water and folded it, before kneeling in between Derek's legs to place it on his puffy shoulder.

"Shit. 'ts cold." Derek sucked his teeth while visibly shuddering.

"That's kind of the point." Spencer mockingly smirked at him. "Sit straight now." he commanded.

He picked up the bottle of antiseptic from the floor and poured some of it on a gauze.

"It's gonna sting a little..." he warned him, an apologetic look on his sweet face. Derek just nodded.

Spencer hesitated a bit. He hadn't yet managed to take a real look at his boyfriend's injuries. He gulped uncomfortably, images of what those convicts had done to him flashing before his eyes - Derek hadn't told him what they'd done; he could only imagine.

Derek watched him slowly trace the bruises on his abdomen with his hands. His breath hitched for a second in his throat and his abs instinctively contracted as the pads of Spencer's fingers magically left goosebumps behind, as if his skin was a plain canvas and he was drawing onto it.

"Hey," he murmured softly, tilting Spencer's chin up with his index. Puppy eyes. "I'm fine. You told Garcia yourself."

"I know." Spencer nodded unconvinced, ultimately proceeding to gently press the gauze on his scratch to clean it.

Derek's abdomen tensed up once again. "Stings like a bitch, not 'a little'." he muttered screwing his eyes close.

Spencer slightly chuckled. "Come on, big guy." he mocked.

"Got jokes now?" Derek smiled through the pain. His grin did nothing but widen uncontrollably when, a second after, Spencer's eyes leveled up with his, to repeat the disinfecting-process on the cut on his brow bone as well.

He stared at his concentrated expression, the one where his pink lips parted a little to let the tip of his tongue stick out at the corner of his mouth. His pretty face so close it made Derek wish he could eat it.

When said expression changed into a deep frown, and Spencer's hand detached from his face, he guessed something in his own expression must have involuntarily hinted at him to do so.

-

"Does it hurt so bad? Am I- am I hurting you?" Spencer worriedly broke the silence, catching in Derek's eyes a concerning glimmering that had replaced the warm, knee-melting smile he was wearing before.

"No- nonono it's not- it's not you, kid." he shook his head vigorously in response.

"Then what?" Spencer asked, tossing the gauze in the small trash can before cupping the other's face in his hands.

Derek looked down at the small portion of ceramic-tiled floor that was separating them. "I don't know. I guess I just can't stop thinking about it."

"...about what specifically?"

Spencer was a bit afraid of asking him to be specific. Again, he didn't know what they had done to him and Kate - luckily, she only seemed to have a split lip. Guess being a big, black, male federal agent hadn't helped him at all. It never did. Spencer's heart ached at that every time.

Morgan sighed. "The only reason why we're here, is because Julio saved our asses." he met his gaze again only after saying it.

What could Reid reply to that? It was nothing but the truth. The team would've never made it in time if the convicts had continued beating them up - and God knows what would've happened then. He couldn't let his mind go to that place.

"What...what did they do to you?" he found the nerve to ask instead.

Derek shook his head a little, as if silently asking: 'what will it change once you'll know it?'

"Derek," Spencer gently stroked his boyfriend's chin with his thumb. "What did they do ?"

Morgan hesitated for another second or two.

"Alright. First," he raised both his hands in front of the other's face, to remind him of the bruises on his knuckles. "fist fight, of course. I couldn't see but- I think they literally threw Kate over the table and she fell on the other side..." he frowned deeply, realizing only then how shaky his voice had become. "They also stabbed the guard we were interviewing in his hip. You remember that one?"

Spencer nodded briefly.

Derek was getting a bit self-aware of how vulnerable he must've looked from his boyfriend's perspective. He continued regardless.

"Then they, uh...threatened us both with knives at our jaws." he dropped his eyes once again, letting a tear fall down and hit the floor.

Reid said nothing. He had to swallow the lump in his throat several times, but he said nothing.

Only then he noticed the wet traces some drops of water had drawn on Derek's pecs and biceps coming from the folded, damp t-shirt resting on his shoulder. He finally removed the piece of clothing and distractedly tossed it in the sink behind him; a crumb of relief was enough to lessen the creasing of his eyebrows when he saw his shoulder's puffiness had gone down pretty visibly.

"And this?" he asked, taking a towel to wipe dry Derek's skin.

Derek turned his head to look at his shoulder - like he'd forgotten about it for a second - feeling like a 5 lbs weight had been lifted from it.

"That's...when they tied us up and pushed me to the ground. I fell on this shoulder on the concrete." he sniffled. "and then just...kicks. Everywhere." Morgan waved a hand, gesturing around the area of his flushed abdomen.

'Tied us up'. Spencer suddenly remembered finding him like that, and being the one to cut the plastic cable ties on his wrists and ankles. He dropped the towel and took Derek's hands. The red marks of the ties had significantly faded away but were still there; his complexion not dark enough to conceal them. He could only imagine how evident they must've still looked on Kate's fair skin.

"And still..." Derek continued after a while, wiping the few tears he'd shed with the heel of his hand. "I- I just can't bring myself to blame them for feeling enraged like that. You know?" he asked, as if wanting Spencer to validate his thought.

He tilted his chin up again, and Spencer's shoulders helplessly dropped with the weight of sheer sadness when he saw the look on his boyfriend's face, and the flush around his eyes.

"Yeah. I get that." he paused. "But- but Derek, it wasn't our fault that those guards abused of their power- and killed that kid. We could only intervene once they called us. You know this."

The words didn't seem to solace Derek at all. But Spencer didn't know what to say - for once. He tried not to indulge in self-denigrating thoughts - because Derek always begged him not to - but sometimes he realized he really was of no help in comforting him, or at least not nearly as much as Morgan was for him; always having the right words and, if not that, surely a pair of strong arms to protect him. Reid didn't even have that.

He tried anyway - maybe he couldn't fiercely shelter him, but he could gently soothe him.

-

After a long silence, Derek felt soft hands once again cupping his face.

Out of the blue, Spencer started sprinkling kisses all over him - near the cut on his brow, on his bruised cheekbone. And then slowly flowed downwards, paying extra attention to press his lips gently on his swollen shoulder. And his hands left his jaw just to grab onto his waist, and scatter velvet kisses on the whole bruised area of his abs. And Morgan let him do it, closing his eyes because for once he wanted to try and give in to the fantasy that Reid could really kiss his pain away; and at each new peck, each new time his lips warmed up the skin lying underneath them while the tip of his tiny nose and the ends of his hair tickled him like the wings of a butterfly - each time he was convinced more and more that Spencer really had the power to take away his pain, and kiss Derek's way out of his relentless thoughts that only added to the physical ache of it all.

And he didn't deserve it, he thought as a new wave of tears heaped up beneath his eyelids. He didn't deserve any of it - any of Spencer.

"Spencer..." he whispered his name, and the other's face rose up again to level with his.

He snaked a hand behind Spencer's neck, entangling in his silky hair, and slipped an arm around his torso, and he kissed him. He took his lips in his as if trying to do the same for him, to return the favor. And when his tongue languidly made its way inside Spencer's mouth, brushing past his plump bottom lip and curling up with his as if it could get any deeper than it already was; and a breathy moan escaped those lips that he was trying to cradle into the same comfort they'd cradled his body before - he took that moan as a sign that maybe it was working, that maybe he was managing to strip out a small amount of the ache at least a quarter as successfully as he'd done with him; a different kind of ache but in no way less wrecking.

Spencer's lips broke out of that kiss that left them breathless but asking for more at the same time.

"I- I don't wanna hurt you and I- I still have to bandage you up." the words were nothing but a shuddering whisper against Derek's mouth, at that point.

"You're not hurting me. You're healing me, Spencer."

-

Spencer's heartbeat increased to a point where it was deafening his ears. He parted their foreheads and stared deep into Derek's black eyes, like he could find the answer to why he would say such a thing if he stared long enough.

"Everything you do. You heal me." the man added.

He dropped his gaze down to the floor to hide from Derek's sight the tears that were on the verge of spilling out of his eyes, drawing his eyebrows together intensely in the attempt of pursuing that task.

"...it's the bare minimum I can do." he murmured, his voice was shaking way too much now for him to keep pretending Derek couldn't hear it.

He swallowed and shook his head to pull himself together.

"Now, at least let me do that properly." he smiled with glossy eyes, achieving the goal of receiving Derek's smile back. Only his smile made him feel 100 miles above earth level.

He un-wrapped his limbs from around the other's neck and reached down to take the roll of gauze. He untucked the end of it to press it on Derek's front, asking him to keep it in place while he encircled his torso with his arms to make several laps around it, trying to cover the whole scratch as well as the most part of his bruising - he hoped the bandage could work as another layer to lessen the soreness whenever Derek accidentally bumped into something or pressed against it.

While doing that operation - slowly, still afraid to hurt him - he was inevitably close to the point of feeling Derek's breath on his skin, especially when he had to lean forward to pass the gauze roll from one hand to the other behind his back.

Derek's face inched closer and nuzzled his nose and lips lightly against the soft spot on Spencer's neck below his ear, making him impossibly ticklish.

"You're de-concentrating me." he reprimanded him jokingly.

" 'm sorry. Can't really help it. Though you should work on your attention span." Derek felt the other's smile against his skin.

"Luckily enough, I'm finished." Spencer finally stood up, grunting at how numb his legs were. He couldn't help but notice yet once again how, for one reason or another, his knees always hurt after he'd spent time with Derek. Even if he tried as hard as he could, though, he couldn't recall one single time where it was due to an unpleasant reason...

"Hope it lasts..." he added, forcing his mind to shift away from that topic.

Morgan mirrored his motion and then reached a hand out toward the hook on the door with the intention to grab his clean t-shirt; which he would've managed to do if it hadn't been for Reid beating him to the punch.

He threw him a glare with his head slightly tilted, followed by an overly dramatic eye-roll. He gave up at last, putting his hands up to help Spencer slip the t-shirt over his head, trying not to burst out chuckling at the adorable smirk playing on his face.

-

They walked out of the bathroom and into the other room. Derek sat on the bed and slowly laid down on his back.

He let out a heavy sigh, shutting his eyes with his palm. "Why do I have this feeling that NO sleeping position possible won't hurt?"

Spencer stood still beside the mattress. "Well- I can- uh, I can sleep in the other bed it's no big deal, I don't want you to lose any more sleep..." he suggested half-heartedly as he started to take a step back from the bed, biting the inside of his cheek and scratching the back of his neck.

"What? Nuh-uh, no way pretty boy, I need you here and now." Derek replied, gaining a wide, timid smile from his boyfriend. He carefully propped himself on one elbow and grabbed Spencer's wrist to pull him closer toward him.

Spencer crawled beside him and laid onto his side, spooning him. He figured it was the less painful position: it didn't put pressure on his left shoulder, because he was lying onto his right side; nor on his abdomen; and last but not least, Derek was never the type to sleep on his back. That was gonna be his excuse if asked - he sure as hell wasn't gonna ruin his "know-it-literally-all" reputation by revealing that he simply loved being the big spoon.

He pulled the comforter over them, before wrapping both his skinny arms around Derek's broad body; one enveloping his middle, the other his shoulders, sneaking from beneath the crook of the man's neck. A warm sensation spread over his chest, only increasing when he heard a faint sigh of contentment slipping out of the other's nose.

Derek switched off the lamp on the nightstand, finding himself a little surprised when the beginnings of drifting off to sleep came so easy, embraced by the man he loved more than anything on this planet.

-

He felt Spencer's soft, slow, damp kisses tracing from the crown of his head to the nub of his spine; and then the tip of his nose brushing up and down that same trail.

"I don't know what good I did to deserve you, kid." he whispered after a while. He could easily bet that got Spencer all blushy and cute - not that he could see him, but he'd come to learn by heart how to make him flush a long, long time ago.

"If you don't stop saying these kind of things I'm gonna kiss you senseless." Spencer replied, playing tough - which came off cuter than he'd probably wished.

Derek chuckled. "That a threat?"

Maybe Hotch's idea wasn't so bad after all.

[traincat]

If you could how would you rewrite the Lyja and John debacle?

I think my biggest problem with the Johnny and Lyja debacle isn’t the content – I’m not against disturbing content in comics, or bad things happening to characters I like – but the book’s refusal to commit to that content. And it’s not like they don’t know how to do this – in Namor #50, Namor is raped by a shapeshifter disguised as Sue. The book is very clear about what happened:

This happens at exactly the same time the height of the Johnny and Lyja egg baby drama is going on (like, they’re in the same issue, exactly), so it’s not that Marvel refuses to acknowledge male victims of rape in this exact circumstance altogether – it’s just that they refuse to acknowledge Johnny, specifically. 

So two things I would do if I had total creative control here: the first is stop using romantic terms to refer to Lyja in relation to Johnny in official material. No more calling her a love interest, and no more referring to her as either Johnny’s wife or ex-wife in character bios – this term automatically makes people think of a solid and consensual romantic relationship, and I would argue that both pre- and post-retcon that doesn’t apply: Johnny and Alicia’s marriage was not solid. Johnny and Lyja’s relationship was not consensual. That Johnny and Alicia’s marriage was not in and of itself abusive without the retcon in place doesn’t automatically mean it was healthy, considering Johnny twice despairs about being more attracted to someone else in comparison to his wife, and has an entire dream sequence about how great it would be if he wasn’t really in love with Alicia but had instead been psychically manipulated into the relationship. So there’s all of that to reexamine with the retcon in place, and the fact that if Alicia isn’t Alicia but rather Lyja, a lot of little innocuous scenes take on a sinister tone:

(Fantastic Four #275)

The second thing I would do with full control here would be to label Lyja a villain. This is part of what I mean when I say the material continually hits a point and then pulls back: Lyja marries Johnny to further her mission to infiltrate (and ultimately contribute to the defeat) of the Fantastic Four. It doesn’t matter whether or not she developed romantic feelings for him; she did so while using him to spy on his family and never came clean. This would be a very different story if, say, Lyja had realized her growing feelings for Johnny and revealed her real identity to him willingly and then given him the space to decide what he wanted to do with the relationship. That’s not what happens. Lyja, for all intents and purposes, appears to have never planned to reveal herself -- it only happens when she’s forced to. She continually lies to keep herself in Johnny’s orbit: when she can’t do it as Alicia, she lies about the egg -- you know, the one housing the monster that was going to eat Johnny and his family upon hatching -- and says it’s his child. When the egg game is up, she adopts another identity to stalk him halfway across the country. But, the narrative continually says with apparently zero self-awareness at all, she’s just doing it because she loves him. But there are certainly comic book villains whose motivation is an obsessive, abusive love. After all, Lyja does try to kill Johnny at one point (Fantastic Four #370). She forces him to live his greatest fear when he panics and goes nova in self-defense on a crowded college campus, a complete loss of his usual ironclad control (and his loss of control was already linked, in the narrative, to his feeling violated during Simonson’s run in Fantastic Four #342). Johnny’s afraid of Lyja at one point that he flees for his life after spotting her in a crowd. So why do Lyja’s abusive actions get painted with a “it’s fine because love” wash?

The most baffling case of “the book was going in a direction and then it abruptly pulled back” is Lyja’s most recent appearance in Secret Invasion: Fantastic Four. To set the scene: at the beginning of the Skrull invasion, Johnny, Ben, Franklin, and baby Val are alone in the Baxter Building while Reed and Sue are away. Lyja enters the Baxter Building disguised as Sue and transports the Baxter Building into the Negative Zone.

When confronted by Johnny, she speaks to him as if she really were Sue, and attempts to convince Johnny that Ben has been replaced by a Skrull. This is blatant gaslighting and an attempt to cut Johnny off from Ben and his family. Lyja only gives up the act when Johnny guesses she isn’t who she appears to be. Which to me has always begged the question -- what would Lyja have done if Johnny had believed her? What was the end game here? She later states that she transported the Baxter Building to the Negative Zone to protect Johnny, but then why continue the act after that goal was accomplished? Why attempt to make him believe she’s actually his sister and that Ben is a Skrull? Why prey on his -- understandable -- Skrull paranoia? It’s really easy to say she was just doing it to protect him after the fact, but that doesn’t seem to be the goal in the beginning. But this is a prime example of what I’m talking about: the beginning of the story frames Lyja’s behavior as villainous and predatory. Then, around the middle, like every writer who tackles this character seems to do, the furious backpedaling begins, and suddenly she’s not that bad, really! And it is infuriating. Things are continually set up, they are put on the page, there is a clear abuse storyline going on here, and then when it comes time to commit, nobody seems able to. So that would be my big thing: take away the love interest label from being used in official contexts and actually commit to making Lyja a villain, because there could be genuinely good stories in here if they did. (And no more alternate futures where Johnny marries his rapist. Looking at you, MC2.)

A dream book for me would be a retrospective from Lyja’s point of view about the initial mission and how those parameters changed when Ben remained off-planet during Secret Wars up through at least the Skrull reveal, something of a Fantastic Four: Green in the style of Spider-Man: Blue, etc. Something really exploring her mission in detail and her settling into “being” Alicia, and covering her seduction and abuse of Johnny, as well as how that got complicated when Ben came back, depicting Lyja as a victim of greater Skrull machinations (it’s canon that she was chosen for the mission because she spurned the advances of a superior) while refusing to romanticize her treatment of Johnny and not backing away from the fact that Lyja’s actions, particularly after the egg baby when she is, for all intents and purposes, a free agent, and she still chooses to stalk Johnny and insert herself into his life against his wishes, make her a villain.

[toomuchtimenerd]

Reviews for 3 New Adult Novels

So I got a little bored and decided to take a short break from YA fantasy. I spent a good amount of time browsing the Kindle Unlimited catalog (I very recently found out that even if you don’t pay for Kindle Unlimited these books are still much cheaper than others. It’s like $3-4 for a book compared to the usual 9.99. Incredible). During my search, I came across the New Adult genre (seriously - why is Kindle Unlimited FILLED with NA books?) and because I’ve been needing to obsess over some steamy romance lately I picked up two of the most angsty NA books I could find plus one that simply had stellar reviews on Goodreads. And then I proceeded to finish all three books within about a week. To top it off, two of these books are like 700-page novels. It’s amazing how much one can accomplish when you have literally nothing better to do with your life, isn’t it? Yes, I am poking fun at myself. But it’s all temporary. I’m going to actually try my best to keep these three reviews as spoiler-free as possible, for once.

I’m going to start with Devious Lies by Parker Huntington, as that is the first NA book I finished reading this week. So this 700 page behemoth of a book features your standard enemies-to-lovers with a little bit of suspense/mystery added in for flavor. Oh, and sprinkled with some SERIOUS angst and brooding on top. It also features an age-gap romance, and is slow-burn. Devious Lies is basically about rich girl Emery Winthrop who, at 18 years old, is forced to forgo her rich girl life when her father goes under investigation for embezzlement and subsequently goes in hiding. When the embezzlement is leaked, this basically screws over everyone who’s employed by Emery’s father and everyone who invested stocks in his company. This includes a HUGE amount of people in the southern town Emery grew up in. This also includes the Prescott brothers, Reed and Nash. Reed is the boy that Emery had the biggest crush on her entire life, but Nash is ultimately the main love interest and POV that we see aside from Emery’s. 

After the whole embezzlement thing which is a huge factor leading to Nash’s father’s death, Nash is pretty much hellbent on seeking revenge on the Winthrops. By the time the story really gets going, Nash is in his 30s and has essentially built a multi-billion dollar enterprise and of course is one hell of an angsty playboy. Emery is around 22 years old, fresh out of college (paid for by herself) and gets hooked up with a job working for Nash. Nash finds out, and makes it his life goal to make Emery’s life as difficult as possible while trying to find out where her dad is hiding. The entire story is about the progression of their relationship and the secrets surrounding the embezzlement. 

So this is probably one of the better angsty love stories I’ve ever read. And that’s saying a lot because I’ve never liked angst all that much (tried it with The Cruel Prince and although I really didn’t like it I actually have been considering giving that trilogy another chance). Angst is usually so... unbelievably NOT well written at all b/c I feel like angsty characters are just angsty without a good enough backstory to defend it. This tends to be more so prominent in contemporary romance novels, or maybe that’s just because I’m a lot pickier when it comes to contemporary romance. But for Devious Lies, I think Huntington does a pretty good job at charging the main characters with believable and understandable angst. Nash grew up almost in poverty and his dad literally worked himself to death while watching trust-fund baby Emery grow up like a southern princess. The embezzlement destroyed Nash’s dad, so I can see why he blames the entirety of the Winthrop family for the hardships he faced growing up. Not to mention, Nash’s life story is the embodiment of a rags-to-riches story so of course he’s going to look down on Emery who supposedly gets millions of dollars per month just from her trust fund. 

Devious Lies is told from two alternating POVS, Emery & Nash, and I think the scene I anticipated the most was when Nash found out that Emery isn’t getting a single penny out of her trust fund and that Emery is actually living in poverty and working to survive, not out of boredom. We know that Emery’s life is incredibly tough from the very beginning, considering her family name is tainted and she owes student loans on top of helping fund someone else’s college tuition. Nash doesn’t find out about this until maybe past the halfway point of the book, and for me that was probably my favorite part of the entire book - the realization of how much of a complete ass he’s been to her and how she really is the last person who deserved to be targeted by his thirst for vengeance. This is also when their relationship hits a major turning point and finally dips out of the ‘enemies’ part of enemies-to-lovers. 

I think my biggest issue with Devious Lies is how unnecessarily long it is. I think it could absolutely be cut down to around 400 pages, since there were a lot of chapters (especially in the very beginning) that could’ve been very easily abridged or completely left out. The first several chapters covers major events from before Emery goes to college and Nash strikes rich, and from what I can tell these chapters are there to lay out character foundations. But Huntington really could have made these SO MUCH shorter and gotten to the actual story way quicker without sacrificing any character building. Just my two cents, although it seems like most reviewers on Goodreads agree with me over this regard. So despite some unnecessary chapters or parts that could have been left out, I think I’d still give this book a solid 4/5 simply because the author managed to write contemporary romantic angst without making me want to die of second-hand embarrassment. Not to mention, the big plot twists near the end of the story were quite well written and totally worth sticking around for in my opinion. 

----------------------------------------------------------

Second book is The Wall of Winnipeg and Me by Mariana Zapata. Apparently Zapata is like a god at writing sports romance, and this book was rated #1 on some kind of Goodreads list plus it was like 4 bucks or something so of course I had to check it out. This large book is around 600+ pages, but out of the three books that I’m reviewing in this post today this is DEFINITELY my favorite one of the three. I haven’t read a sports romance since I was 15 and obsessed with the Escape to New Zealand series, so I honestly didn’t know what to expect from this outside of mega muscle dudes and steamy sex scenes with said mega muscle dudes. But this book managed to exceed whatever I was expecting AND to my surprise only had one actual full-blown sex scene. Which was very tactfully placed and made for a beautiful end to a truly slow-burn romance. And by truly, I mean seriously truly slow-burn. My god, I don’t think I’ve ever read a slow-burn as freaking slow as this one. But wow it was so worth the snail pacing of their relationship. Speaking of the relationship, I need to talk about our two main characters.

We’ve got Vanessa who is super in debt and has been working as a famous football player’s (Aiden) assistant in every way possible for two years by the start of the story. She finally has enough in her savings to quit and focus on her graphic design freelance career, so she leaves and over a month later her boss is at her door asking her to marry him so he could get his US citizenship. The rest of the story is about the progression of their relationship after they get married and move in with each other. Unfortunately this book was written solely in Vanessa’s POV, and I say unfortunately because I would’ve really loved to have some Aiden POV chapters too. He’s not exactly a hardcore brooder, but he’s also not super open about himself either so at times it was REALLY hard to gauge what was going on in his brain. Despite this fact, it became really obvious that he was falling for Vanessa because he started doing more and more stuff for her as their relationship progressed. There were so two scenes in particular where all he did was just show up and be endearingly supportive and I was ready to bawl my eyes out over how uplifting it all was. 

The Wall of Winnipeg and Me is just one hell of an uplifting and puts-a-smile-on-your-face type of romance. It’s incredibly slow, and at some parts you may be like “oh my god jUST KISS ALREADY!” but when it all inevitably falls in place by the end you will realize just how worth it the ride was. Zapata does an amazing job of portraying a really healthy loving relationship where both members are just so supportive of each other and genuinely want the best for each other. They are actually relationship goals!! I was actually kind of SAD when I finished this book because despite the happy ending I just needed more wholesomeness. And even more unfortunately, there is no sequel and there is no add-on telling the story from Aiden’s POV. So for anyone who’s looking for a healthy dose of wholesomeness, wants something to tug at their heartstrings, and doesn’t mind just a little bit of sex, this book is 5/5 perfection.

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Last book will be one that I just finished reading about an hour ago, The Kiss Thief by L.J. Shen. Now this one I kind of had to debate on for a little bit before I ultimately decided to read it. I found it on Goodreads around the same time I found The Wall of Winnipeg and Me, but after reading its synopsis the first time I got a little bit turned off by it. Not sure why, and I’m not sure what changed my mind but I ended up giving it a try earlier this afternoon and well well well what do you know I ended up reading it all in almost one sitting. The Kiss Thief, like the previous two books I reviewed in this post, is also a New Adult book (with more graphic scenes than Deviant Lies actually) featuring an enemies-to-lovers relationship between a 19-year-old daughter of a mobster and a 30-year-old US senator. Yep, that’s an 11-year age gap right there. Probably one of the most drastic age gaps I’ve seen in a book, but hey I guess some people are into those. The Chicago mobster’s daughter is named Francesca, and her dad gives her away to Wolfe Keaton for marriage due to reasons that become apparent much later on in the book. This book not only depicts the progression of Francesca and Wolfe’s relationship, but also of Francesca’s growth from a sheltered child into a woman. 

Francesca pretty much grew up as a princess, went to an elite boarding school in Europe for most of her life, and was super sheltered. To top it all off, she belonged to an incredibly old-fashioned “traditional” family where women were not expected to go to college but instead stayed at home and pumped out heirs while their husbands told them what to do. Francesca basically grew up her whole life thinking this was her destiny, along with marrying her childhood crush Angelo. But she gets thrown into Wolfe’s arms pretty quickly and early on in the book, and all hell breaks loose as these two absolutely chaotic crackheads go head-to-head with each other. Wolfe is seeking vengeance (why are all the angsty romance novels always centered around seeking revenge?) over something Francesca’s father did, while Francesca just wants to go home and be with Angelo. But things start to change when Francesca realizes Wolfe is actually willing to offer her certain freedoms that her father would never allow. Some of these freedoms include learning how to drive and going to college. 

While Wolfe is ultimately the hero to our heroine, he’s such an asshat for maybe the first 50% of the book. He’s broken (just like every single male love interest in every single book ever) for reasons that occurred in his past, he’s hell bent on revenge, and he’s vowed to never take a wife or fall in love. Obviously this all changes once he is engaged to Francesca, whose own stubbornness, willpower, and innocence takes him on one hell of a roller coaster of emotions. These two, and their relationship, are incredibly explosive but good god half the time they are SO toxic for each other. Their relationship is like the epitome of that one couple you know where they keep breaking up and getting back together again, or they keep getting into fights due to miscommunication, or they keep cheating on each other because the other did it first. When their relationship is good it’s pretty dang good, but when it goes south everything just turns into a living nightmare. I definitely wouldn’t recommend this book to people who are easily triggered by toxic relationships (and I mean truly emotionally toxic relationships), but outside of that it’s definitely not a bad read at all. The progression of Francesca and Wolfe’s relationship is actually relatively unique because it’s anything but linear. There are so many ups and so many downs, which makes the peaking points even more heart-wrenching in my opinion. Especially towards the end, the scene between Wolfe and Francesca’s father. Oh god, my heart couldn’t take it anymore. After this book I’m going to need to find a nice YA fantasy book that tones down the romance. And the steaminess, because The Kiss Thief definitely had PLENTY of those. I think of the three books I reviewed in this post, The Kiss Thief is the most graphic (although tbh I think its sex scenes are the most well written of the three). I’m thinking this book gets a 4/5 from me because while it’s good, I didn’t think there was anything about it that made it really special for me. It simply told an entertaining story, it had a unique progression of enemies-to-lovers, and the character progression of the heroine was fairly believable. 

In conclusion I recommend Devious Lies and The Kiss Thief for those looking for an angsty romance, and The Wall of Winnipeg and Me for those looking for wholesome slow-burn that will leave your heart feeling kinda fuzzy.

[purpleswans1]

The Bonds of the Revolutionaries

For day 24 of Villain Month. The prompt is “Bonds.” This is the about farthest in the timeline of my Villain!Izuku AU I feel comfortable writing in just now.

Read also on FF and AO3. Please see the Author’s Notes at the end of them.

Izuku woke up to the sound of his door slamming open.

“Big Bro!”

“Izuku!”

He cracked his eyes open. “Eri, Kota, what is it?”

“Big Sis Uraraka made breakfast,” Eri said.

“She sent us to get you before it got too cold,” Kota explained.

Izuku chuckled. “Message received. I still need to get dressed, so you two should head down and make sure the others don’t eat it all."

The two kids nodded and left the room, closing the door behind them. Ever since Eri moved in with the Quirk Revolutionaries, the other members had done everything they could to make the girl more comfortable. Once Izuku rescued Kota from the League, they collectively decided to treat him similarly.

It kind of made the hideout more like a home, and the other members more like family.

Izuku got dressed in his usual stay-at-home clothes, jeans and a T-shirt. Within a few minutes he was descending the stairs to the sound of everyone eating.

Toga was the first to notice him. “Izukun!”

“You made it just in time,” Spinner said. “Dabi was about to take the last salmon slice.”

“I was not,” Dabi protested. “I was just making sure Shoto had gotten his fill.”

Shoto rolled his eyes. “Like I told you already, you don’t need to baby me.”

“I for one think it’s cute,” Uraraka said. “Dabi may not admit it, but he has a very strong protective instinct.”

Eri nodded. “When Uncle Dabi is around, I feel safe knowing he won’t let anyone hurt me.”

Kota scowled. “Just don’t go overboard. I’m not helpless, you know.”

“Uh-huh,” Dabi reached over to pat Kota on the head. “Just keep telling yourself that, kid.”

Kota didn’t like that, so he tried to grab Dabi’s arm and pin it down. What resulted was more akin to a plafight than an actual brawl, especially since Dabi only used enough force to keep the kid frustrated. The whole table, as well as Izuku, erupted into laughter.

Uraraka was the only one interested in breaking them up. “Come on guys, save that for training. Sit down so we can finish eating, then you can wrestle.”

Izuku sat down at the last open chair, between Eri and Shoto. Uraraka had prepared a very traditional breakfast with rice, miso soup, grilled salmon, natto, and tamagoyaki. Most of the others were halfway through the food, and Toga was already reaching for seconds. If he didn’t start eating soon, Izuku wouldn’t get to eat his fill. He dug in with gusto.

A few minutes later, Spinner looked up from his food and asked, “What’s on our schedule for today?”

“Well, that all depends on what the bossman wants,” Dabi turned to Izuku expectantly.

“I still don’t like being called that.” Despite the fact that everyone turned to Izuku for the hard decisions, he didn’t see himself as the leader of their group. He thinks of the Quirk Revolutionaries as a group of people united by a common goal, and he just happens to be the strategizer. “Nonetheless, I do have some recommendations for training. Dabi, Shoto, you both need to work on your hand-to-hand combat abilities without your quirks.”

Shoto frowned. “Why would we need to work on that?”

“Your quirks are very powerful, but you may not always be in an environment where you can use them effectively,” Izuku explained. “I’ll admit that it is more likely to happen to Dabi than you, but it can still happen.”

Shoto chewed on a clump of rice, thoughtful. “You have a point. If we end up against someone like Mr. Aizawa, I wouldn’t be able to use my ice or my fire.”

Izuku nodded. “I’ll work with you guys tomorrow, but Spinner already knows the basics and I’d like to work with Eri a little bit.”

“Want me to help too, Izukun?” Toga asked.

Izuku put a piece of fish in his mouth, considering Toga’s offer. “Maybe… but it would be a good idea for you to go on a supply run first. Do we need anything around the house?”

“We’re almost out of groceries,” Uraraka said. “I’ll come up with a list of essentials once we’ve cleaned up.”

“Last night I noticed the laundry detergent was almost gone,” Izuku admitted. “Add that to the list.”

Eri fidgeted in her seat. “Um, can I ask for something selfish?”

“Of course cutie, you can ask us for anything,” Toga gave a toothy smile that would have been creepy in any other setting.

“Ca-Can I get another stuffed toy?” Eri asked. “Kota keeps borrowing Mr. Bunny at night. I don’t mind, but I miss cuddling with something so soft. Pillows just aren't the same.”

Kota’s face was bright red. “You weren’t supposed to tell anyone about that!”

Eri looked at Kota in surprise. “Really? Why?”

Koda slid down in his seat. “It’s embarrassing! Only babies sleep with stuffed animals.”

“That’s not true,” Uraraka said. “It’s perfectly alright if you want your favorite toy’s comfort when you sleep.”

Shoto nodded. “It’s not exactly the same thing, but I had a baby blanket my mom made for me that I slept with until I was 12. Even then I only stopped because it got burned.”

Dabi narrowed his eyes. “Expect to be interrogated on that incident later, Shoto. Anyway, would you mind running by a clothing store, Toga? Most of my favorite shirts have been damaged in practice.”

“Can do!” Toga cheared.

“Since we’re getting more groceries, does anybody have a specific food they want in the near future?” Uraraka asked. “I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try and make it.”

Shoto looked up. “I really like Soba.”

“It’s not healthy to eat the same dish every meal, Shoto.” Spinner said.

Dabi rolled his eyes. “I’m more of a pizza guy. Uraraka doesn’t have to cook us meals every day, you know.”

“But I want to,” Uraraka insisted.

Izuku noticed Eri was tapping her chin. “Do you have something specific you want to eat, Eri?”

“Um… Yes, but I can’t remember the name.” Eri bit her lip. “I think someone made it for me before. It had fried rice and egg, and a smiley face in red sauce…”

“Omurice?” Kota asked.

“Yes! That’s it!” Eri nodded. “I’d really like to have some Omurice again!”

Izuku smiled at the girl. “I’m sure that can be arranged.”

“I’ll just have to add ketchup to the shopping list,” Uraraka said.

“Thank you!” Eri squealed.

Kota snorted. “I think these guys are spoiling you, Eri.”

Can’t argue with that, Izuku thought.

[serenagaywaterford]

#5 - I am checking in now that you’ve read some of these reviews. Yeah, very uneasy about this development. You are right, if the diehard Serena fans are getting tired of the seesawing, imagine the casual fans, or haters. But I am still hopeful a firm and lasting June/Serena alliance is still a possibility in the second half of the show, we’ll see. Either that, or kill her off. I don’t want them ruining a great character. It is a bit tiring honestly, my enthusiasm definitely suffers a bit.

Numba 5 :D I take it you’ve read all the reviews too? Sigh. Just a great big head-shaking sigh. 

One minute I read all this disappointing, worrisome shit. The next I read something nice and positive that gives me some semblance of hope it won’t be  that bad after all, and then I come back and read new shit that sounds even worse than the initial disappointing stuff! What is happening lol. This is the worst way to build enthusiasm for a new season!! Honestly, I don’t see very many fans all that pleased in general. Serena fans are on anxious tenterhooks, Nick fans seem rather bummed by some of it, Rita fans are flipping out, Lawrence fans seem a bit hesitant, (Are there Fred or Luke fans???), Moira and Emily fans are also worried from what I can see, casual fans seem okay, I guess?? Everyone’s a June fan so... that’s sort of pointless to talk about lol. Like the reviews sometimes sound good, and then another one will say the opposite thing happens. (I really don’t know what to think about Emily’s arc... I can’t tell where its head is at based on the reviews/spoilers.)

I won’t post any spoilers, but just in case people don’t wanna read me bitching about the vague shit in reviews and interviews, I’ll cut this. Also, I’m a major Debbie Downer lol so I’m sure a lot of excited people don’t wanna read that either, haha.

But I feel ya. I’m tired. My enthusiasm has deffo really suffered in the last few days. I was just saying the other day that all these “teasers” aren’t helping either cos everything is out of context and says nothing really, but requires a lot of speculation and that’s just exhausting to do day after day. AND THE SEASON HASN’T EVEN STARTED YET. I remember last year being a lot more excited. Like legitimately thrilled, even reading the pre-season reviews. It’s weird to me to feel this way when I was soooooooo excited just a month ago. I was bouncing off the walls with joy! Now I’m burnt out, lmao.

“But I am still hopeful a firm and lasting June/Serena alliance is still a possibility in the second half of the show, we’ll see.”

You know. I’m with you. All of these reviews are based on the first 6 episodes of the season and it is sorta jumping the gun to judge a whole season based on the build-up. Six episodes isn’t even quite halfway. Maybe it gets significantly better in the backhalf. It just doesn’t bode very well if it takes 6 episodes to get things moving, and that even at that point Serena is still full on her annoying bullshit.

I’m pretty much a hopeless romantic in some ways. Like it won’t really matter completely but I will ALWAYS hope that there is a LASTING June/Serena alliance in the latter half of the season that is significant and shows Serena’s character growth--if there is any lol. Like, even in a non-shippy way, I want June and Serena working together. I’m gonna be picky and spoiled but I need it to be together. Not working towards the same goal, but divided and at odds with each other. I want them communicating and agreeing. Not just “Oh, look, there goes June doing her idea. And, oh, over there is Serena doing her totally separate thing, that’s vaguely related to the same goal?” I want teamwork. And I want teamwork with other women too. With Alma, Janine, Moira, (Emily? I dunno if she’ll be in a healthy enough place tbh.), even possibly Aunt Lydia. I don’t need unrealistic “super happy families!” vibes either. It can be terse and difficult and conflicted and they can stumble and miscommunicate along the way. It can require June ramming Serena with reality checks (as she does)... but I want them all in the same general direction, with the same general ideas of how to get there. Each has their own strengths, skills, opinions, and knowledge that would influence the goal in their own ways. Oh god, I’m making it sound like I want Ocean’s 8: Gilead Edition. And I want the complex June/Serena dynamic at the centre of it. 

But that’s my personal perfect world and this show is very much not willing to be that brave, lmao. (MAKE IT GAY(ER), YOU COWARDS. I’m only half-kidding.)

“Either that, or kill her off. I don’t want them ruining a great character.”

I used to be really opposed to killing off Serena. But that was back when I thought they were going to move her arc along to something better. If this all they insist on doing to her for the backhalf of the season, and presumably the next... just kill her off already. I suspect, based on Miller’s “jokes”, that he has no intention of killing either Waterford off -- which is a shame cos Fred just... go away, Fred. He’s redundant and so superfluous to these women’s stories at this point and I don’t care what headass sympathy-inducing crap they give us in S3, I will always feel that way. But she’s been a fantastic character thus far and to just keep beating this flipfloppy dead horse they consider “interesting” wrt Serena, just let her go. I can’t imagine anybody sticking around and retaining their interest in a character that literally never grows or learns or commits to anything and is constantly going one way only to flip back the other for seasons on end. Sounds... annoying and boring.

Maybe some people like that? Miller and Strahovski seem to. (I get why Yvonne does on some level: it’s fun as an actress to play with all those extremes. It’s challenging and exciting not to play the same note all the time. So, I get why an actress would think it’s a good idea for a character to be so... extra.) What I don’t get is why a showrunner/writer would. I’m not saying never have Serena fuck up--cos we all know she’s gonna--but just not the same ways all the time. Cos at this point, we been knew. We KNOW that every single time Serena does something kind/nice/good, she’ll snap back and do something fucked up. Like, it’s just EXPECTED. There’s no surprise. The first few times, sure. But when they keep doing it over and over and over and over...

That is fucking BORING. It’s come to just eye-rolling now. I don’t read these reviews and comments by Yvonne and say “OH NOOOOO. Serena’s back on her bullshit!! Nooooo. SAD FACE!!!!” Nope. I just read them and say, “Ugh. Again? Really? Yawn.” and “What shitty writers that they can’t come up with anything new for her to do.”

Like, we knew at the end of S2 that Serena was gonna regret letting Nichole go. Miller came right out and said it. And that was fine. That’s actually reasonable and normal and I can get behind that. It makes sense. I was all onboard for some serious grieving and regret. That’s totally understandable under the circumstances. I’m even here for the way trauma/grief/fear influences Serena’s often confounding decisions. And, I mean, I’ve seen a lot of cult-breakers and cults in general and all sorts of psychological stuff so I know Serena’s crap isn’t something she can just shut off in one day; it’s a long process--but it tends to move in a determinate direction, even just baby steps (or not at all). It’s so deeply ingrained and it’s ~safe. It takes time and I was 1000% behind ALL that. But by the sounds of that, it’s not really going in that thoughtful direction. People’s attitudes and beliefs may be difficult to change, but they don’t weave all over the damn place merely for the sake of shock and drama.

More like “We want Serena and June to scream at each other under iconic American monuments! How can we do that? Make Serena do some super fucked up thing for barely any reason!” Also, “Hide all her motivations! Make it really murky so people won’t understand it! That makes us clever. Hurr durr!!”

It’s just giving me Benioff & Weiss vibes...

Harumpf.

I will keep an open mind, but I’m no longer holding my breath that something amazing is gonna come out of this unless the backhalf of the season is exceptionally better than the first 6. (But again, I feel like S2 was like that. The second half did seem stronger overall. IMO, anyway. With 2 major exceptions, heh.) 

So, yeah. I’m trying to just not read or look at too much more until it starts airing. Otherwise I may talk myself out of enjoying it! LMAO. I’m so weak. (But I’m also such a slut for June/Serena so........)

[perylinsus]

Rant

Rant Contents-

Perming hair

Dyeing hair

Cutting hair

Getting piercings

Body weight

Tattoos

CONTAINS ENOUGH HATE AND UN-NEEDED CRITICISM TO LAST MILLIONS OF LIFE TIMES.

Okay, so this rant is gonna be weird as fuck, since it's about my hair and some piercings, but listen as I start talking about my hair. It's weird. It's straight somedays, curly on others, wavy on the others, and a combination of all three, though most of the time it's straight. It's also very, very, very thick and oily. Now, being in the end of my 3rd quarter of 8th grade, I keep telling people at school that I plan on getting a perm over the summer, since everyone is counting the days till then. But when I say perm, I mean tight-curls perm. Not even curls, more along the lines of coils. But everytime. Every. Single. Time. I say anything about getting a perm to someone with wavy/curly hair, they complain about how hard it is and how it'll be so much harder for me since; I'm not used to curly hair, my hair is too thick and/or my hair is super oily. All I want to do is turn and just fucking snap.

The only fucking reason my hair is straight and oily is because of the lice treatments I had to go through. I had those assholes all up on my head for 5 years straight. When I was a kid, I had to straighten my fucking hair everyday just to get it to cooperate. When I was a kid, I was fucking mistaken for a different race. My hair has always been thick, it was always silky and soft and it was in tight ass curls up until I was 5 or 6. I've experienced curly hair my entire life cause my step sister adopted triplet girls with hair that was on the verge of being kinky, but was still considered curly. I do their hair every fucking morning to this damn day. I have since they were adopted at 3 years old and that was 8 years ago. I was in my first year of having lice (I took precautions to make sure they didn't get lice. Luckily, it worked cause they never did).

I wanna fucking snap when people say to not get my hair permed into tight curls cause I won't be able to take care of them. I take care of curly hair every damn morning, 4 AM sharp, listening to babies cry when I only get 2 hours of sleep cause of my damn homework. Everything's good. I cope now, I will always fucking cope.

Two more factors make the complaining worse. Before I perm my hair, I'm getting it colored. Again, more complaining. Things like, "You'll damage your hair!" Or "Why would you color your hair, it's already so pretty." I might be doing two different colors, they might be bright and because of that, I have to bleach and color my hair. Don't get pissed because I don't wanna have basic brunette bitch hair like you (that's aimed at one person, not all brunettes. I luh u). I want to die my hair because I can. I'll perm my hair afterwards because my cousin, aunt and grandma, certified hair dressers, told me it was okay. I'm tryna live my life so back the fuck up.

Next thing, I wanna cut it, too. Before getting a perm, but after coloring it, I'm gonna try and get an undercut. More. Fucking. Complaining. "Sweetie, if you wanna color and cut your hair, you can't perm it. It'll look weird. I've tried it." Bitch. Does it look like I care about what you tried. You're pale, skinny and you have some fake ass lookin blonde hair. I am, on the other fucking hand, a delicious hunk of chubby Mexican (I'm trying to love myself more. Don't judge me). Me and you, we're completely different. I have an ass, some tits and some fat around my waist. You look like a sheet of horny construction paper (that shit feels weird...idk what y'all feel like, I swear). People may retaliate with;

"I'm not saying you'll be ugly, I'm saying curly hair and undercuts don't go well together." What if my main goal is to look ugly? To put shame to my last name (that rhymed bruh). Idgaf what you think. I'm cutting my hair, I'm coloring my hair and I'm perming this shit. I fucking live for coloring my hair, I've done it for the entirety of my middle school life. I miss having an undercut. Living in Florida with some dark ass, thick hair is hard, so the less hair, the easier my life (less shampoo and conditioner too). And my curly hair. I want that shit back. I didn't hate it then, but I also didn't love it, but. I. Want. It. Back.

So, with my hair, back tf up. Now some piercings.

My uncle does piercings for people. Yeah, total fucking pothead, but he's chill and good at his 3 steady jobs. He said, once I get old enough, he'd give me good quality piercings. Because we moved away from him, down to Florida (that was 5 years ago btw. I had ear piercings then. I also temporarily moved up to Michigan for like half a year, when he promised me), he hasn't given me my piercings yet. Over a video call, since he's overseas helping a friend move into a new house, he asked me what piercings I wanted so when he got back (I'd be halfway through my first quarter of freshman year) he could give me my piercings.

As many as I want, for no price at all. He's self employed so it's no problem, however my face/head area is all he'll do. I'm okay with it bc that's all I want. I tell him, with my bff and her bf sitting next to me. Her bf has his friend with him so he can hear me too, obviously. I say both ears and lips, possibly nose. My uncle says ok. He asks me what kind I'm considering for my ears. I say; standard lobe, upper lobe, helix and industrial. That's another ok. Then for my lips. I say; angel bites, snake bites, spider bites or shark bites. Again. Another okay. Then he asks for my nose. I say septum or nostril but the nose piercings weren't definitive. Again. That's okay.

My mom knows about this and she's okay with it. I'm my own person and what I choose to do needs to be dealt with by me. I face my mistakes, or I suffer. I choose to take some pretty bad ending risks but I learned. That's always been my lesson and it won't change. Face the consequences. My bff asks if she could get the same deal as I did. He says no but that he could lower the price significantly. She says okay, definitely happy, and her bf asks the same, getting the same response as my bff (he's cool with piercings. He had some. He just wants more). Now, my bff's bf's friend starts criticizing us, specifically me. We hate eachother so it was expected.

But this asshole. THIS ASSHOLE. Had the audacity to insult me on my choice of piercings. He's anti everything. Anti gays, anti abortion (this one is agreeable), anti Muslim, he's HORRIBLE (his personality filters into this. Believe what you want but if your personality is too evident in your opinion, DO NOT TALK TO ME. Especially if you're stuck up). I'm learning makeup atm so he goes down that road and calls me an ugly whore who deserves to die on the streets. Nice. But...same thing with the hair. I WILL DO WHATEVER I FUCKING WANT TO. IDGAF ABOUT YOUR OPINION. Don't criticize me because I want to get tons of piercings. He went down the path of racism, too, and called me a typical Hispanic bitch. Rebellious and dumb. I have nothing to say to this other than get tf out of my house. I turn to my friends and tell them if they agree with him to leave with him. They're actual friends so they stayed but he had to find his way home in the pouring rain. Don't be an ass to innocent people cause Karma's a bitch.

Anyway, I was called a hippy, spic, typical druggie, shitty person and retard (this word isn't taken lightly in my family. Don't call people that shit).

You know what, let's rant some more.

I'm a chunky motherfucker. I way well over 100 lbs but I ain't too close to 200. I'm almost 14 and I'm kinda short. Still growing, but short.

I have lots of body fat. Obese, depends on your definition of it. Fat, yes, but I can still rock some tight clothes better than anyone else. I've embraced my body fat. Yes, I'm currently researching healthy, lemme repeat, healthy ways to get rid of it, but I've embraced it and I now tell myself I'm cute whether people like it or not. It's strange since I've never done it before but it helps with depression.

Anyway, I'm chubby but I'm working on it. I need to glow up to rock my bullies' motherfucking worlds. This dude, idek who he was, comes up, calls me fat and walks away. I turn around and yell fuck you or fuck off or some shit like that. I'm making my way to class and this other kid trips me. When I hit the ground, he screams earthquake and runs.

I get up and walk my way to class like a civil person. Eventually, my mom, who works at my school, has to take me to the hospital cause I couldn't get up and leave my class at the end of the day. Why, you may ask? Well, I had;

minor whiplash

a sprained wrist

Scrapes on my knee that were so bad, they'll probably scar

My day sucked before that so it only got worse. Besides that, the whiplash is gone, my sprained wrist is healing nicely and it's just my knees that are still fucked up.

All that trouble because some bastard wanted to fuck with me cause I'm chubby. Stop being dicks everyone, unless that's your nickname.

Finally, the last topic. Tattoos. My other uncle, the twin brother of my piercings uncle, is a tattoo artist. Game addict, too, but, like, srsly, unhealthily addicted.

Anyway, if I can't do college, I have a guaranteed spot as a tattoo designer in his parlor. I'm trying to plan for college so it might not happen but, you never know. Besides that, he gave me a deal. As many tattoos as I want, for no price. All because I'm his only blood niece.

I said hell fucking yeah (I got a shoe thrown at me for it). He said as long as I designed them, he'd give me them. Okay, not too bad since I'm a 14 year old with college level art. First, though, I had to tell him what type I wanted. I said I wanted tribal, illustrative and possibly neo traditional.

I have designs for my illustrative tattoos. One for each important person in my life. My older brother, my younger brother, my mom, my grandma, my bff and my 1st dog. I was gonna try and do one for my husband/wife when and if I get married but I was warned about tattooing names of people I'm not related to on my body. Again, I might still do it. Anyway, those are for my illustrative tattoos. Then, comes my tribal tattoos.

I plan on asking my bestfriend and my mom to choose from a set of Moon Glyphs, which symbols best represent me. Whichever common ones they choose, will be hidden in a tribal tattoo on my ribcage. I also want a tribal on the top of my forearm and a tribal band around my bicep. I may just get arrows on the inside of my other forearm.

Neo traditional will probably be a worn down banner with flowers that has a saying in it. In another language, most likely, but there'll be a saying.

Anyway, I told my uncles this and my tattoo artist uncle said he was perfectly okay with it. My mom was chill with it, too, so everything was good. Until my great grandmother got ahold of the information. So many vulgarities.

Anyway, don't be a shithead when it isn't necessary. Let people learn from their own mistakes when said mistakes are revocable.

Luv ya and thanks for reading.

[fixxofvixx]

TEACHING VIXX - CHAPTER SIXTY-EIGHT

Hello!! Is everyone still living after Taekwoon’s v-live? I will honestly admit that I turned it on and made it about halfway before his voice put me to sleep. His voice is just so lovely~

Anyway! Here is the chapter, as promised! Vampire Taekwoon will be next.

Let me know what you think!!!

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

You sat, pouting, in the doctor’s office. This was supposed to be an event that you and Taekwoon could share together. You were finally going to be able to figure out what the baby was going to be. You were almost five months along and it was driving you crazy.

You’d finally broke down and told your parents. They were concerned but happy for you. They were certain Taekwoon would provide whatever you needed. Taekwoon still hadn’t told his parents. He did, however, break it to the Starlights that he was taken, now and forever. Most took it well. There were some that were upset, of course. But the general consensus was happy. When some Starlights asked when they could expect babies, knowing that was one of Taekwoon’s main goals in life, he could only laugh. He told you when you had the ultrasound pictures and he could tell his parents, then he would inform the Starlights.

Of course, as fate would have it, Taekwoon wasn’t at the doctor’s office with you. VIXX had been in Japan for promotions and was supposed to be back that morning. The plane was delayed and Taekwoon wasn’t going to make it. YoonJung had permanently moved back to the States to stay with her ailing mother. So you were there alone.

You sat rubbing your stomach, hoping to quell the nauseating feeling you were feeling right now. JangPil had assured you that morning sickness didn’t occur with hybrid pregnancies but you were certainly feeling sick. And usually morning sickness was during the first couple of months. You had already seen the doctor for the basic stuff and now you were waiting for the ultrasound room to be prepped. To say that you were nervous was a severe understatement.

“Y/N?”

You jumped when the nurse called your name. You stood and followed her into a large room that housed the ultrasound machine.

“Dr. Kim explained how this works, right?

"Yes, she did. I just hope we can see the baby.”

“Sometimes we can and sometimes we can’t. Hybrid babies are different the way the sack forms around them. But you are just about five months, so it should have thinned out by now. Go ahead and lie down.”

Taking a deep breath, you centered yourself as best you could on the chair and the nurse leaned it back for you. She grabbed a bottle and squirted a gel onto your stomach and thankfully it was warm. It did wonders to help with the nausea. She took the camera and was just about to place it on your stomach when someone knocked on the door.

“Come in.”

Another nurse peeked her head in the door and smiled.

“Pardon the interruption, but I figured you wouldn’t mind.” She moved out of the way and Taekwoon burst into the room. He was breathing heavy and his hair was stuck to his face due to the sweat he was producing.

“Taekwoon! How did you get here?!”

“I found a separate flight. Then I borrowed but I got stuck in traffic about three miles away. So I ran.” He laughed but it caused him to have a coughing fit. Tears filled your eyes as he came and sat next to you. He placed a kiss on your forehead and wiped away the tears that had escaped your eyes.

“You’re just in time, Mr. Jung.” The nurse smiled but you could see that her eyes were also glistening, touched by Taekwoon’s efforts to get there. “Are you ready to see your baby?”

“More than ready.” Taekwoon whispered. You looked over to see his eyes wide and bright. He had been ready for this moment for a long time.

“Okay, let’s see what we can do.” The nurse rolled the camera around on your belly. But the more she did, the more her eyebrows furrowed. She looked closer at the screen and wildly pressed buttons on the keyboard.

“What’s wrong?” You had to know. She looked concerned and that scared you.

“Um, we may have something a little unexpected here.” You held your breath as she turned the screen towards you and Taekwoon. You looked at the black and white fuzziness of the screen but couldn’t make sense of it.

“Is there something wrong with the baby?” Taekwoon’s voice was barely a whisper.

“No, they look perfectly healthy.”

You sighed in relief until you actually processed what she’d said.

“Wait……they?”

“What do you mean….they?”

Taekwoon and you had spoken in unison, comprehending at the same time what the nurse had said.

“Yes, they. You’re having twins.”

“What?” You felt like you couldn’t breathe. Your vision was tunneling and you could barely hear anything.

“Y/N? Honey? Whoa, whoa, calm down, love.” You could feel Taekwoon’s hands on your arms and cheeks. He kissed your forehead and thankfully you were instantly calm. You sighed and looked at Taekwoon. His face looked like it was glowing. You turned your head and looked at the nurse. She was looking at you, concerned.

“A-Are you sure?” You still couldn’t believe it.

“Yes, I can see both of them. Look,” she pointed the two babies out on the screen and a new set of tears flowed from your eyes. “now let’s see if we can determine the sex.”

Taekwoon grabbed your hand while he continually wiped the tears from your face. You took a glance at him and his eyes were glued to the screen. When he noticed you looking, he turned and smiled at you. A smile that quelled every worry in your heart. Everything would work, you knew it and so did he.

“Okay, here’s the first one,” she clicked the buttons over and over, taking screenshots of what she saw. “Looks like you’ve got a boy.”

You looked at Taekwoon just as the tears welled up in his eyes. You knew what his heart was saying.

“And….let’s see…this one is trying to hide. Come on little one, just a peek, then we’ll leave you alone. Ah! Perfect, just stay there. Well, no wonder you were hiding. You’ve got a shy little girl as well. You’ve got a set! A boy and a girl.”

—————————————-

You couldn’t stop fidgeting. After Taekwoon had retrieved the car he somehow convinced you to take a detour to his parents house. If you had been in your right mind, you might have been able to resist. But your brain was taking a day off right now. You had no tears left and Taekwoon had to constantly use his ability to calm you down.

“Taekwoon, they’re not going to be mad, right? Because we aren’t officially married yet?”

“No, honey, they wont be mad. They considered us married once we had the tattoos. That’s how it used to be done anyway. So you have nothing to worry about.” He grabbed your hand and kissed it.

He pulled into the driveway and sure enough his Mom came bounding out of the house. Taekwoon had called ahead to make sure they were home. He got out of the car first and walked up to hug his mother, leaving you behind. You begrudgingly stepped out of the car and walked forward slowly. Taekwoon’s mother released him and headed towards you. You took a deep breath to prepare.

“Y/N, I’m so glad you’re h–” She stopped just two feet from you. She looked at your face and then down to your belly. Instinctively, you placed your hands over the bulge there. She gasped and looked back at Taekwoon. He nodded his head and she screamed.

Startled, you backed away from her quickly. She finally noticed your fear and took a couple of breaths.

“Oh, my dear, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m just s-so happy!” She barely got the last sentence out before she broke into sobs. You looked at Taekwoon who sighed. He walked over and reached for his mother.

“Come on, Mom. Let’s go inside before the neighbors think I’m trying to kill you.”

Once everyone reached the living room, Taekwoon’s mother turned and wrapped her arms around your neck. A quick glance in Taekwoon’s direction showed that he knew it was going to be a long day.

“Thank you, my sweet, sweet, daughter. Thank you so much.”

His mother’s words brought tears to your eyes. She had called you ‘daughter’. You smiled and swore you caught Taekwoon wiping a tear away from his face. His mother released you and demanded that you sit.

“Are you feeling okay? Are you in need of anything? How far along are you?”

“No, Taekwoon makes sure I have everything I need. And I’m a little over 5 months.” You smiled at Taekwoon who had taken his seat right next to you. He ran his fingers lightly over your back, knowing his gesture would calm you.

“Well, he better! I can’t believe you waited this long to tell me! Just wait until your father gets here! Have you been to the doctor yet?”

“Actually, we just came from there. Taekwoon wanted to come by and tell you right away since we have pictures now.”

“Pictures? Oh, let me see!”

You grabbed the ultrasound pictures from your bag and handed the first one to her.

“The baby is here and they said it’s a little boy.”

“A boy?! Oh my goodness a little boy! You’ve done so well!” She was still fawning over the first picture when you handed her the second.

“And this is the other baby. This one’s a girl.”

Her head snapped up to meet your eyes. It took her a few seconds to form words.

“T-wins?”

“Yes, we’re having twins.”

“That’s……that’s not possible.” His mother’s eyes darkened and you stilled.

“What do you mean, Mom?” Taekwoon spoke up this time. He leaned forward so that he was flush against your side.

“Hybrids don’t have multiple births. It just doesn’t happen.” She looked so sad now and she opened her mouth to say something else but stopped. But you knew what she was going to ask. You put your head down and asked yourself.

“You think they’re not Taekwoon’s, don’t you?”

“Sweetie, I…..just don’t see…”

“Mom! Are you serious?!” Taekwoon sounded so hurt and offended. And your heart was currently breaking in two.

You stood and grabbed your bag, unable to withstand the looks that his mother was sending you.

“I’m going to go outside for a moment.” Taekwoon tried to stop you but you shook your head. “Just give me a little time.”

He nodded, understanding, and you walked towards the front door. Surprisingly, you had no tears, only an indescribable pain in your chest. You stood next to the car that Taekwoon had borrowed and noticed that he had left the keys in it. Without another moment’s hesitation, you opened the door and slipped behind the wheel. After buckling yourself in, you started the car and backed out of the driveway. You put it in drive and headed away from the house. In the rearview mirror you saw Taekwoon run out of the house, calling your name.

[samwell-actually]

Holsom Fic-Rec

Although I have my all-time favorite OMGCP fic bookmarked on my Ao3 page, I wanted to compile a master list of all of my favorite OMGCP Ao3 fic to have in one place on my tumblr. And since I’m that neurotic, I thought it might also be nice to break-up each ship as well: 

Two Minutes for Holding | halfabreath One-Shot, 2k Ransom is a team physician and Holster is a referee. They first meet on the ice during a particularly physical Aces v. Falcs game.

not funny | applecrumbledore One-Shot, 9k This whole thing feels so weird, like they're betraying some clause of the homosocial bro code that says it's only for fun, you can't actually be gay, like they're letting someone down. But on the other hand, being with each other is the most natural thing they've ever done. Like a chemical reaction, or two halves of something whole, or one of those hand puzzles where the two pieces of metal are all twisted around each other, or the logical and satisfying conclusion of a really good book.

Score | emmagrant01 One-Shot, 12k Ransom and Holster like to score goals for each other, and they like to take care of each other. It was probably just a matter of time before those two things became entangled.

What I Wanted Was to Fall Asleep | halfabreath One-Shot, 5k The gods are real, which everyone knows, but when they’re not fighting among themselves they’re usually partying and humans have generally learned to accept their meddling without too much complaining. Ransom just never thought he’d actually know someone who’d been god-touched and he never, ever expected that it would be Holster. Alternatively: Holster becomes a tree.

Five Things Adam Birkholtz Learns in HDFS 332: Healthy Couple Relationships | EllyAvon Completed Multi-Chapter, 6k HDFS 332: Healthy Couple Relationships is just the night class Holster is taking with Lardo to fulfill one of his core requirements. He doesn't expect it to drastically change his life. OR: The Weirdest Healthy Relationships PSA Ever. OR: Wholesome Holsom

In a Different Frame | sunfair One-Shot, 4k Holster is determined to become somebody's boyfriend. Too bad he's kind of an idiot. He figures it out, though.

BFFWB | emmagrant01 One-Shot, 7k Ransom's schedule this semester leaves no time for a sex life. Holster has a solution for that. (Set fall 2014)

Seasonal Drinks | rhysiana Completed Multi-Chapter, 1k An AU in which Ransom and Holster never met in college. Thank goodness for the local coffee shop.

someone as good for me as you | astrolesbian One-Shot, 7k “So tell me,” Justin’s mother says, all business, “is your boy going to propose?” “What, Jack?” Justin says, and doesn’t really think much of it, because his mother eats up the details of Jack and Bitty and JackandBitty like Holster eats up rom-coms. His mother sighs, and he can practically hear her rolling her eyes. “No, baby, I meant Adam.”

what is the meaning of this? | kleinergruenerkaktus Multi-Part Series, 13k Ransom has a system, and it was working just fine before Holster came along.

There Were Fireflies | Schuyler One-Shot, 3k Holster has never been weird about shit like this before. They’ve been friends for, what? Almost a decade? And Holster has never said anything bad about guys who date other guys. Hell, they lived in a house with Jack and Bits. But Ransom goes on two dates with a guy and Holster goes ballistic.

blink back to let me know | nighimpossible One-Shot, 4k Justin is a medical student in Boston and Holster is working in New York.Things were a lot easier before they became real people.

Here’s a Man in Evenin’ Clothes | halfabreath One-Shot, 5k Ransom's estimating that they've got another 3.75 hours until the last people trickle out of the Haus. 3.75 hours, 225 minutes.Holster grins, flushed and disheveled and handsome as Justin has ever seen him, and suddenly he knows he's not going to be able to wait another 225 minutes before kissing him. Or: Epikegster toga porn

Keep It | petals42_tumbler (rosepetals42) Completed Multi-Chapter, 18k At the start of their senior year, Ransom is dating March and Holster is okay. Of course he is. Except when he's not.

cabin fever | theghostofjamespotter One-Shot, 5k “Dude. You didn’t score a single goal.” He’s beaming, chin resting on Ransom’s thigh. “And you came in like, under five minutes.” or, the forfeit fifa fic no one has asked for. just bros being bros and somehow accidentally hooking up.

How to Romance a Hockey Player | Tintinnabulation_of_the_Bells One-Shot, 7k After Holster comes out, Ransom needs a plan. A plan to make his best friend fall in love with him. What could possibly go wrong?

the lucky ones | screamlet Completed Multi-Chapter, 17k They made the decision to drive to Myrtle Beach when Holster found the fucking sweetest cottage near the beach.

guard/hit/hammer | halfabreath One-Shot, 2k Justin Oluransi is a gold medalist, and he has no idea what he's doing. (Ransom and Holster's first kiss happens on a tiny couch on the world's biggest stage.)

first love, late spring | lehtonen One-Shot, 12k “Right.” Ransom still looks serious, but there’s a sinister glint in his eye that Holster gloomily recognises as contemplation. “What’s in it for us?”Holster whips his head round to stare at him so fast his neck twinges in three different places. “Nothing is in it for us,” he hisses sotto voce, “or did you not hear the part where we’d be dating?”

Ransom and Holster’s Guide to Shennanigans | Tintinnabulation_of_the_Bells One-Shot, 8k Ransom and Holster have been together since June, but they keep it low key. Maybe even a little too low key. Shenanigans ensue because, hey, it's awfully hard for the team to set them up when they've already been dating for months.

Just bros being bros | blue_eyed, growlery One-Shot, 7k Rans and Holster have a busy semester, so they start planning their bro-time. But its not like they're dating, right?

all my time is yours as is mine | halfabreath One-Shot, 1k No one knows how long Holster's been alive. No one knows how much time Ransom has left. Everyone knows about things. Not everyone has one, but everyone that does has a different word for it. Gifts. Abilities. Talents. Purpose. Superpowers. Quirks. Most things are small, but sometimes, in very rare circumstances, they’re all encompassing and terrifying. There’s a reason Ransom and Holster call them curses.

Give a Little Bit (of Your Time to Me) | Tintinnabulation_of_the_Bells Completed Multi-Chapter, 21k In a world where Adam Birkholtz never went to Samwell, he loses a beer pong bet to Lardo and winds up refereeing a rec hockey game for one freshly broken-hearted Justin Oluransi. For once in his life, Justin is totally out of his league.

Adam Birkholtz's Foolproof Guide to the Perfect Birthday | akadiene One-Shot, 6k On March 28th, 2016, Justin Oluransi, co-captain of the Samwell Men’s Hockey team and love of Holster’s life, is turning 23. It's also the day Holster dies.

Always Halfway to Go | halfabreath Incomplete Multi-Chapter, 33k While at Samwell, Ransom gets a job at the Rec center teaching water aerobics. Generally his class is filled to the brim with old ladies and their husbands, so he’s shocked to arrive at class at the beginning of the semester and find Adam Birkholtz, ex-hockey player, who’s there to supplement his physical therapy with gentle cardio.Things only get more complicated from there.

Detachment Studies | Tiptoe39 Completed Multi-Chapter, 4k A soulmate doesn't always mean a lover. But it does mean an attachment that's hard when it breaks. Luckily, there's the field of detachment studies -- how to mitigate the cognitive damage done when one loses a soulmate. Ransom's going to become a specialist in the field and prove that there's life after detachment. And he's going to practice what he preaches -- by leaving his own soulmate behind.

Salt-Mates | orphan account One-Shot, 4k Losing is dog in the park, Adam Birkholtz is pretty sure he's about to experience his worst day. Until he finds his dog sat quietly with a gorgeous man on a bench, a Harry Potter book in his hand, giving a lecture to the animal about the tragedy that befell Remus Lupin. That's when things get a little bit...strange.

This is Why We’re Medical Proxies | SecretGeniusShittyKnight One-Shot, 4k Holster gets sick. Then he gets a hospital stay. Then he gets high. Then he gets a boyfriend.

pH balance | alcatraz One-Shot, 2k “I can’t believe you have a crush on a white boy who unironically wears cut-off sweatpants,” she says gleefully. “This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.”

Have We Been Boyfriends This Whole Time? | rhysiana One-Shot, 1k Post-college socializing is harder to organize than Ransom expected. Fortunately, his best bro is there for him. In every way.

Future Perfect | Tintinnabulation_of_the_Bells Completed Multi-Chapter, 14k WANTED: COMMITTED MONOGAMOUS COUPLES Are you and your significant other in a committed, monogamous relationship? Have you been dating for at least six months? Are you living together? If you meet these criteria (and you are at least 18 years old), you may be eligible to participate in a COMPENSATED study (up to $300) on love and decision making. Please call 617-555-7864 or email romance.jenningslab@samwell.edu. The moment he sees the sign, Holster knows he's struck gold. The only problem is, he and Ransom aren't technically dating. But who are romance and technicalities to stand in the way of a business scheme that's bound to go according to plan?

Tailspinners | rhysiana One-Shot, 1k In which Holster runs a literacy non-profit, Ransom is a pediatrician new to town, and Bitty is the Youth Services librarian who brings them together.

don we now our fake romances | DizzyRedhead One-Shot, 4k Justin notices that Holster is looking a little run-down. But there's no problem that their awesome broness can't solve. Right?

wanna be your romeo | leetlebird Completed Multi-Chapter, 50k Holster's always said 'fuck the lax bros,' but when he meets Ransom, a new transfer student on the lacrosse team, Holster realizes he wants to be a gentleman and date a lax bro first. (Ransom doesn't think Holster's too bad, either.) As Ransom and Holster navigate their own secret relationship, their teams band together to get Nursey and Dex to stop fighting by any means necessary - even if that means setting them up on a date. (Romeo and Juliet AU + Much Ado about Nothing AU. Dramatic misunderstandings can only be solved with One Direction, secret make-out sessions, snickerdoodles, Jerry's dates, and - finally - some communication.)

Literary Inspirations | Tintinnabulation_of_the_Bells Multi-Part Series, 15k The possibilities of life are infinite, but time is not. Certain things, like college years, like hockey careers, like the time for your best friend to fall in love with you, have expiration dates. Justin's just afraid he's missed his chance.

the masculinisation and romanticisation of art criticism through the framework of sports-related injuries (or, gross and beautiful) | heyfightme One-Shot, 2k ransom is a gross pre-med hockey boy. holster indulges him. art is created.

The One with All the Kissing | halfabreath One-Shot, 2k In which Holster messes up, gets way more action than he anticipates, and really is Chandler.

The New Ref | rhysiana One-Shot, 1k Ransom is the on-call emergency dentist at the Falconers' games. Holster is the new ref. Lardo and Shitty are matchmaking busybodies.

The World Still Spins | lecrivaineanonyme One-Shot, 5k Justin had first learned about the theory of paradigm shifts back in junior year during his class on the history and philosophy of science. It was just another definition for one of the short answers in the midterm exam: a fundamental change in the basic concepts of and experimental practices within a given scientific discipline. It was a benign factoid to be stored away, something to be revisited in a later essay: compare and contrast the views of Thomas Kuhn and Karl Popper on the scientific process. He hadn’t understood just how jarring such a fundamental shift could be until he broke up with Adam. (Happy ending!)

Homecoming | Tintinnabulation_of_the_Bells One-Shot, 10k Each December, Justin brings Holster home for Christmas. Each time, it means something new.

Division One Defense Duo To Reunite Saturday | the ghostofjamespotter One-Shot, 1k Flyers Defenseman Justin Oluransi will play against Adam Birkholtz of the Pittsburgh Penguins, for the first time since the two were college D-partners.

Bittle Birkholtz Brousins | halfabreath Multi-Part Series, 19k When Eric Bittle is 8 years old his Aunt Judy marries a Northeasterner named Jacob Birkholtz and suddenly he’s not the weirdest cousin anymore, it’s this gangly 12 year old named Adam who Did Not Want to move to Georgia and now they’re stuck in the same town together.

Bull City Blues | rhysiana Incomplete Multi-Chapter, 11k In which Ransom chooses Duke for medical school, the boys move to Durham, and Holster has to figure out what to do with his life.

One Dance | palateens Complete Multi-Chapter, 7k If he remembers any part of them making out and promptly passing out on the couch the next morning, he doesn’t mention it. Justin would rather avoid making things weird with his best friend while he’s still searching for his soulmate. She’s out there somewhere, and she’s everything he’s ever dreamed of.

The Final Rose | Tintinnabulation_of_the_Bells Incomplete Multi-Chapter, 7k Justin Oluransi quits his job and goes on the reality dating TV show The Bachelor looking to find love. It should be simple, but what he finds is nothing he (or Bachelor host Adam Birkholtz) could ever have imagined of in their wildest dreams.

[demeaiko]

Be yourself

Be Yourself

           It was in the middle of fall 2016 where my paradoxical behavior had surfaced and was challenged. This particular day I was off from work and school which I decided to stay home. I was sharing a room with my older brother, we got along, for the most part, the only problem I had was that he snored horrendously, the house reeked like a skunk because of the constant cloud of marijuana. I was seeking a little attention now which led to the upcoming event.

I was laying on my bed earphones in listening to the Mack Miller album, “The Divine Feminine”. I was also browsing on a controversial app called Grindr which is a gay “dating” app. Before making assumptions at this time I was in the mind state that I wanted to explore myself as I always had a feeling deep down I was attracted to the same sex. I never acted on it as my household was very homophobic at the time, so I felt it was best to keep that under wraps until I was able to make my own decisions without consequences. As I was browsing the guys on the app, I was conversing with a guy. His description on his profile was Discreet Latino, height 5’11”, weight was about 190 and the guy was pretty muscular more on the toned side, and his position stated he was a dominant top.

We exchanged messages: first, it was small talk like how’s your day, and what our purpose was on the app. My purpose was pretty straightforward, I wanted to find friends and possibly someone to start sort of dating. I say that because again I wasn’t out of the closet and just wanted someone to connect with comfortably as I was finding myself. He said he was looking for the same as he was discreet and wanted something more discreet and maybe someone more long term. I felt our goals were harmonious as we both wanted something sort of secret yet meaningful from my perspective. After about an hour of airing out stuff about each other as he worked for a warehouse, loved to smoke marijuana, and he was very independent.

He sent me a message saying, I really like talking to you, you’re really cute, you can hold a conversation well, when can I meet you in person?

I replied back,Thank you! I don't mind meeting you as well, I like the vibe I’m getting, what day works best for you to meet!”

He quickly replied,” Honestly I have work and overtime this whole week, I'm only available today, what’s the chance of meeting you today?”

At this time, I felt like it was now or never to meet this guy as he applied the pressure very charmingly and I was indeed intrigued by him. Around this time I also had signed my first car note for a 2008 Pontiac named “Grey Goose”, and had the taste for freedom, so I replied back, “Sure I'm mobile and I don't have much planned, I prefer early though is that ok with you”, he replies back “That’s fine come over in about an hour here's my address”.

I looked up the address and it was only about ten min away, so it wasn’t to far, as I confirmed his address I received another text from one of my close cousins that would always pressure me to smoke marijuana with him. He texted asking if he could see me, I told him that would be fine and about five to ten min later he had knocked on my door coming in with a joint in hand. He said, “What’s up bro, you want to smoke?”, I looked at him and said, “sure I don’t mind”, mind to tell you I usually don't partake in smoking but this day I felt the urge to do something different.

After I and my cousin had gotten done smoking I was definitely feeling stoned, my brain felt as if it was pressed on the back end of my skull. Moments later I had gotten a message back saying he was ready and I could stop by. I input his address and made my way there sluggishly. I pulled up to these baby blue and white color schemed apartments, which were not well maintained. I parked Grey Goose in the parking lot and examined my surroundings, I saw a couple of familiar stores like 7/11 and Safeway then proceeded to his apartment. When I knocked on the door and he opened up, he had his shirt off showing his muscles and smiled saying hi. First, I was very intrigued, but after I looked past him I saw there was a lot of boxes piled up like he was either moving in or moving out. I paid it no mind at first and proceeded into his living room and sat on his burgundy couch.

We were talking for a while about nonsense, like he could tell I was high, and I was young. Once we had gotten deeper into the conversation I asked him, “So why all the boxes, are you moving in?” he replied, “No I’m actually moving back to Mexico in about five days, it's expensive staying here so it’ll be going to stay with my parents”. At that point, I deemed him a liar in my eyes because I felt that should have been disclosed before we met up. So me being me, I said back, “Well, in that case, I think I’m going to get going. I thought we were on the same understanding that we wanted something more than something temporary”. I had gotten up and headed halfway to the door when he charmingly took hold of my hand and gently guided me back to his couch to talk. I had already made my mind up to leave, I slightly pulled away and walked to the door. I opened it half way he stood directly behind me brushing his body against mine and closed the door in front of me. At this point my heart was pounding out of my chest, my blood felt like molasses as I knew what was going on and what I had gotten myself into. He again gently guided me to his couch. I sat there stuck partially from me being high. He started kissing my neck which made me pull away. I then said, “I don't feel comfortable, and this isn't what I want to do,” He spat back, “We are having fun, just go with the flow remember your pretty new to this”. I wasn’t buying it. I sat there motionless. He then told me to take my pants off, I again sat there ignoring him this time which made him infuriated, He yelled loudly “Take them off!” At that point a tear came down my face. So much on my mind I didn't know who I was dealing with and he had a physical advantage in my mind over me. My pants came off, he eyed me and said,” Lay on your stomach on the couch, I slowly did as he said and buried my face into the beige pillow. He then disrespectfully put his hands on my bottom and complimented my physic which did not feel genuine. I had asked him, “Will you at least use a condom? I’m really young and have a long life ahead of me hopefully, I don't want to deal with any diseases or problems this early on.” I also didn't want my first time bottoming (being the receptive partner) to be someone raping me. He spat back quickly, “I told you to go with the flow, and that this will be fun. I've never had complaints about my game so sit back and enjoy.” The room went black as he entered me, I buried my face into the pillow and honestly felt like dying, I didn't know what this guy’s history was or if he would let me leave without someone getting more physically hurt. Luckily, he had finished after about five minutes that felt like forever, and he then briskly walked to the bathroom cleaning up. I took this opportunity to leave and quickly got into Grey Goose. The tears kept falling like a may rain storm. I parked my car at home and sat there for hours getting myself together as I knew if I showed up distressed at home I would have to tell what happened. I knew I couldn't hold it in or come up with a lie, I usually never cry. I walked in and seen my mom sitting in her recliner chair watching TV, I told her hi and kept proceeding to my room where I reflected on the event a little more before I had gone to sleep.

           With me going through such an intense situation it would be ludicrous to not become affected or gain insight into what could have been prevented. I partially take responsibility for what happened, I was not secure with myself and knew as a kid to never enter into just anyone’s home. I rushed into this situation instead of understanding the key points in our interaction. First was the fact I nor this guy was comfortable in our own skin, we had to be hidden in how we went about meeting each other. I also was extremely gullible, after I seen the boxes packed across the apartment, I should have listened to my intuition and made my exit. To make matters worse, this malicious individual got away with everything! As much as I wanted to let someone know about what happened, I was more fearful of the consequences of my family finding out about my sexuality and disowning me altogether. This led to me being silent on the matter and keep to myself.

This situation also led to me not attending school anymore, when this happened it was two weeks before finals, I was nowhere near in the right mind state to complete school or sadly again not tell anyone what was going on. The most painful part I experienced about the altercation was the fact I went thru the most excruciating phycological pain ever. Every night I would wake up emergently gasping for air, laying in a pool of sweat as panic attacks seem to be a new norm for me. I don’t ever want anyone else to go through this deal of pain, loss, and exposure again. I want this story to touch people especially anyone that has LGBT individuals in their intimate lives. Parents this goes to you as well as you can become more aware of your child and teach compassion and acceptance, this creates an environment where your child can express themselves in a healthy way and communicate their desires to be their self unapologetically. #lgbt #gay #lesbian #bisexual #transgender #blackcommunity #gaycommunity #blackmen #awareness #rapevictims #mystory #mytruth #lgbtq #pesonalnarritive

[missweber]

'A' is for...

On AO3

Summary:

The night of the last game of the Stanley Cup Finals, Kent learns that 'A' can stand for a lot of things. These include, but are not limited to:

Alternate. Ally. Asshole. Assumptions. Alone.

I've seen a lot of varied and interesting takes on Kent since the last update dropped, and the Kent you see here is just one of several possible headcanons I have for the guy. Basically, he's still pretty messed up, but has taken a few first steps towards getting better. YKentMV, of course.

NBC was about to cut to a pre-game interview with Bob, and Kent was still on the fence about whether or not it was a bad idea to watch when Swoops pulled him away from the TVs (sloshing beer all over the place as he went) and asked him what it would be like if Jack won the Cup tonight.

"And I want your real answer, Parser, not whatever line of BS you're already planning to feed the media when they ask, 'cause you know they're gonna ask. I'm your A, buddy. It's my job as alternate to look out for you, eh?"

"Huh. I thought that A on your sweater stood for 'asshole of the useless variety'," Kent retorted with a wink and a grin. In practice, the Aces' alternates didn't actually do much aside from planning off-season parties and cookouts. Not that Kent did much more than that as captain. He made a note to feel guilty about that later. Or not.

Swoops stared at him for a while, and he might have been having a little trouble focusing. He was definitely having to lean on a nearby slot machine for support.

"You still with me, Swoops? What is it?"

"What it is, is that it's way too early for me to be drunk enough I can't think of something 'C' stands for that won't make you want to knock my teeth down my throat," Swoops said. "Do me a solid and pretend I said something out-of-this-world clever that wouldn't have HR crawling up my ass again, okay?"

Kent laughed bitterly, knowing that most of the guys would have gleefully unleashed the homophobia or misogyny without a second or even a first thought. He gave Swoops a friendly shove. "Sure. You're a good egg, Swoops."

"Damn straight, I am. I'm a fucking brilliant - what'd that stupid inclusion video call it? Ally? Yeah, ally. Now are you going to answer my question, or what?"

"It'll be a good thing," Kent said after thinking it over for a bit.

Swoops gave him a dubious look over the rim of his glass, and even though he didn't press for an explanation, Kent gave him one. Well, part of one.

"If he wins, we'll be back on even ground, y'know? If the Falcs win, there's no way Ja... Zimms won't get the Smythe, the way he's been playing. Plus, it's pretty much a given he's gonna get the Calder, and Ovie only beat him out for the Richard by that one goal that shoulda been called off anyway."

Swoops groaned and banged his head (gently, of course) on the slot machine. "Jesus, Parser. Do not tell me you're going to try to hook up with that douchebag again. Just... no. The third time is not the charm here."

Kent didn't blame Swoops for reacting like that, even if the exaggerated shudder at the 'no' was kind of rude. He'd drunkenly outed himself to Swoops after the first Samwell visit, and Swoops was the only person who even had half a clue about how bad things got after that second visit. As far as Swoops was concerned, Zimms was Bad News.

"I miss my friend," Kent said. It was true. He did. Zimms got him in ways no one else ever had. He had felt safe around Zimms in ways he still didn't with anyone else, not even Swoops. "And believe it or not, I want my friend back."

"You've got friends here," Swoops grumped. "Are we not good enough for you or something?"

Kent laughed and clapped him on the shoulder before guiding him back towards the bar. "Sorry, pal, but you're a second liner all the way. Now come on or we're gonna miss the puck drop. Also, do yourself and everyone else here a favor and switch to water until second period at least. You're a tragedy waiting to happen."

That seemed to end the conversation as far as Swoops was concerned, but Kent's mind kept rolling with it even though he wished it wouldn't. He had finally accepted after that disastrous second Samwell visit (plus way too many 'healthy' scratches and finally caving to management's threats and seeing a therapist) that he couldn't make Zimms get back together with him, or be friends with him, or even be willing to talk to him again. Recently, he had even taken a few baby steps towards acknowledging the bitter truth that trying to get Zimms back may have instead fucked things up past the point of repair.

But was it a crime to want? To hope? To daydream?

There were so many ways things could go down, if Jack won the Cup.

He could call Jack to congratulate him and Jack would actually answer the phone. Or, Jack might finally feel like he'd proven himself and be the one to call Kent. Maybe they could meet up at the NHL Awards. Maybe they could apologize to each other and everything would be okay. Maybe they could be friends again. Maybe they could be more. Maybe things would start off slowly, or maybe - now that they could finally meet as equals again - it would all come back in a heated rush.

Or maybe Scraps (of all people - what the hell?) would sit next to him in a shitty sports bar and nervously pass him a phone so Kent could sit there in a very public place and watch Jack kiss some other guy in front of the whole fucking world.

Kent could have sworn he was watching from somewhere over his own shoulder as Jack pulled a blond kid into his arms. They kissed, and it was so much like what Kent imagined, what he had dreamed over the years, that the blond in Jack's arms became a reflection made solid and it was him Jack was kissing and all his wishes and dreams and fears had been captured and were being broadcast in full color even though he had tried and tried to keep it all hidden. Everyone was going to know about him, it was out, he couldn't stop it...

...and then a dozen Falconers swarmed the duo, with St. Martin hauling Jack into a hug and Robinson ruffling the blond kid's (not Kent's) hair and Mashkov damn near causing a wipeout because he apparently forgot he was on crutches and tried to throw the kid over his shoulder. And then all the WAGs were there, and the kid scooped up someone's toddler like he'd done it a million times before.

They knew. They knew, and they didn't care. They knew, and fuck, did that mean they knew about Kent? Did everyone know? Kent was getting lightheaded and he knew he should breathe but he couldn't, he couldn't move. He couldn't.

"Oooh, so he's gay or whatever? Jesus Christ."

Carl. Of course. Shit, shit, shit, of all the people to figure out Kent's secret, it had to be that sub-literate douchebro, but wait, no, he was talking about Jack? Yeah, he was talking about Jack and somehow that made it a million times worse. Swoops - Kent was pretty sure it was Swoops - said come on, Carl, but he was half-laughing as he said it, and it only made Carl double down and make some crack about the Cup parade.

It wasn't funny, but everyone laughed. Everyone. Everyone but Kent, and Scraps, who had gone kind of green and stuck out his hand for his phone. Swoops changed the subject by goading Carl to talk about his favorite subject (Carl), but he was still laughing like a hyena along with everyone else at that fucking stupid parade joke.

Kent shoved the phone back at Scraps and tried not to think about why the guy looked like he wanted to puke. He was probably going to wipe his phone down with hand sanitizer or something to get rid of the gay cooties from the video.

Kent stood up abruptly. "I gotta use the little boys' room," he said, half-hoping it would lure Carl into making another crack, one that would give Kent a halfway decent excuse to bash his empty skull in with a bar stool, but no one said anything as he stalked off.

He strode straight past the men's room and out the back exit. He wanted to cool off and take a deep breath, but the temps were still in the upper eighties and the exit emptied out right next to a very full and very ripe dumpster.

"Shit!" He kicked at a beer bottle that had fallen out of the recycling bin. It shattered where it landed several yards away but the noise from the Strip ate up his shout and the sound of broken glass. He picked up another bottle. This one, he threw. "SHIT!"

"Uh, Parser?" came a tentative and not very welcome voice.

"Go back inside, Jeff," Kent said as calmly as he could make himself. He waited for a count of ten breaths, but when he looked over his shoulder, Swoops was standing there, shuffling awkwardly in place and looking like he wished he was either a lot more sober or a lot more drunk.

"Y'know, the restrooms are inside, but if you were planning to piss on Carly's tires, I won't stop you. Hell, I think half the guys on the team wouldn't lift a finger to stop you."

Kent looked away and started walking. His car was only a block away. "Right. Just like they didn't lift a finger to stop Carl when he decided to be an ignorant asswipe. Thanks, by the way."

"Aw, c'mon, Parser!" Swoops sounded closer than before, which meant that he was following Kent, which, no thank you. "He was just being an idiot, like usual."

An idiot about something that Swoops knew damn well was a big sore spot for Kent. He'd seen how big of a sore spot it was. Twice.

"And everyone laughed at him - like usual. Including the guy who's my best friend on the team." He didn't stop walking. "I'll tell you what, that was a fan-fucking-tastic way to end this shit-show of an evening!"

And this was where Swoops should apologize or maybe just say whoops! and he'd try to do better next time. But no, that was not the kind of night Kent was having.

"What? So I laughed. Big deal! It just sort of happened, and it would have been a way bigger deal not to, you know?"

Kent stopped short and wheeled around, forcing Swoops to stumble back a step. "Pro tip - 'Not funny, dude' is a great phrase. Useful in hundreds of different situations. Learn it," he said with a jab at Swoops' sternum.

Swoops batted Kent's hand away, and looked him up and down with a curled lip. "Jeez. Lighten the fuck up, Parser. Like he said, Carly didn't actually say anything wrong before I tried to stop him the first time. And hey, at least I was eventually able to get him talking about something else, right?"

Of course Swoops wouldn't think it was wrong. It wasn't like Carly had said anything that was out and out false or blatantly homophobic, but even just thinking about trying to explain why it was wrong was profoundly exhausting.

Zimms would get it. But Zimms wasn't here.

"Yeah. Great. You made a passing attempt at being a decent human being. Gold star for Swoops!" he cheered, doing jazz hands for that little extra touch. "Happy?"

Swoops' face twisted into something ugly, but then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Look... I don't know what you want from me, Parser. I know the whole Zimmermann thing has got to suck big, hairy balls, but what - did you want me to tell Carly the whole sob story so he can walk on eggshells around you? I thought the whole point is that you want to keep this shit on the down-low!"

"What I want is to know that you've got my back! We're on the same god-damned team! You got the A this year, which means that you and me," he said, gesturing back and forth between the two of them and not doing a very good job of keeping his hand from shaking, "we're a team within a team! You're supposed to be on my side, genius! Not the side of some third-rate bench-warmer. Most of all, you're my friend, not Carl's, and what I want is for you to understand why I'm pissed off that you laughed at a joke he made at my expense!"

Swoops flung his arms wide. "He doesn't know you're into guys! He doesn't know you had a thing with Zimmermann! What I keep trying to tell you, dumbass, is that the whole point is that no one on the team knows!"

It was strange, how when anger spiked to a certain point, it turned into a calm, implacable clarity.

"Yeah, Swoops, you're right. But you know. And you don't fucking get it."

The calm was starting to sizzle away, and Kent had finally figured himself out well enough to know that if he didn't get the hell out of there right now, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from saying things that would leave scars - and not just on whatever poor bastard he flayed with his words.

"Screw it. I'm done," he said before he or Swoops could say anything they'd regret. He turned and walked off. "See you later. If we're lucky, we'll both go home, get blackout drunk, and forget about this whole clusterfuck."

He was not at all surprised to hear protests and footsteps stumbling up behind him.

Kent lifted his hand to knock away the shoulder-clasp he knew was coming. "Do not fucking touch me, asshole!"

"Jesus! What the hell is wrong with you, Parser?"

Kent said nothing. He just kept walking.

What was wrong with him was that he missed Jack. It wasn't just that he missed the man he still loved (and who clearly no longer loved him). It wasn't even that he missed his friend.

What he missed was having someone around who actually got it. Someone who knew what it meant to have his back. Someone who understood that 'ally' was something you did and not just a label you slapped on like a letter on a jersey because you watched a stupid video.

He missed not feeling so fucking alone all the time.

"Screw you, Parse!"

Kent was pretty sure Swoops was flipping him off, but he didn't look back to confirm. He was pretty sure he knew how this would play out based on past experience. Neither of them would get all the way to blackout drunk, but they'd both wake up tomorrow with miserable hangovers. Swoops would come by around eleven with a jug of his secret-recipe Bloody Marys (the secret being extra vodka and half a bottle of Frank's Hot Sauce) and offer a hangdog 'we good, buddy?' by way of apology.

And Kent would say they were good, and he would pretend that they were, because for all that it was exhausting how much Swoops didn't get it, he was a good friend more often than he was a shitty one, and right now it looked like that was the best Kent could hope for.

He wanted better than that, though. Especially tonight, because he knew that this thing with Jack was like that slap shot that clipped his ankle a couple of years back. When it first hit, he knew it hurt like a motherfucker, but all it was: knowledge. The actual pain came after. Right now, the pain was like a boulder balanced on the edge of a cliff, and any second now it would come crashing down on him and he wouldn't be able to stop it.

Most all, though, he was tired. God, he was tired.

He jolted into panicked wakefulness, however, when he rounded the corner. Someone was lurking with intent right by his car. A someone who had a good five inches and forty pounds on him. It didn't take long for Kent to recognize who it was.

"Scraps? What the hell are you doing out here, man? You need a ride or something?" Kent thought he sounded reasonably calm, but who knew what kind of speculation shitbags like Carl had indulged in after Kent left? What were the odds that someone had remembered the rumors about him and Jack and put two and two together, and shit, maybe he shouldn't have left after all...

"I - " Scraps started, and then his mouth snapped shut with an audible clack. Kent stopped a few feet away, not wanting to get any closer until he had a good feel for what was going on and how quickly he might need to get away.

Scraps was an old-school enforcer, the kind of guy there was less of in the league the more there were guys like Kent. He was a tough guy's tough guy, and he wasn't known so much for his skill as he was for having taken a skate to the face during a pile-up and then trying to get back on the ice as soon as the stitches were in. This season, he had been suspended twice. Two games for boarding that speedy little dude on the Flames and four games for cross-checking the Aeros' captain hard enough to break two ribs. He was the guy people pointed at first when they talked about 'typical Aces hockey.'

So why, Kent wondered, as he started walking towards the car again, was Scraps the one who looked like he was about to piss himself? Scraps was five or so years older than Kent, but right now it would have been easier to believe it was the other way around.

"I wanted to talk to you," Scraps mumbled, looking like he was trying to make eye contact with the rats in the gutter. "Sorry if I, uh..."

"No, no... It's okay, man." Kent slowed his approach, speaking softly and telegraphing his moves the way he did when Kit was in one of her twitchier moods. "It's okay."

He didn't really think it was, but Scraps wasn't shaking quite as badly as he had been a second ago.

"It's just, um, you got real upset when I showed you that video."

"Right," Kent said slowly, not sure where all this was going. Scraps still wasn't looking him in the eye, and he kept scuffing his hand over his head and swallowing hard every few seconds.

"But you also got real upset when Carly started joking about your friend. I mean, he's your friend, right? Zimmermann?"

"Yeah. We haven't seen each other in a while, but yeah." No, it wasn't exactly true, but this wasn't the time or place to get into all the gory details.

Scraps was slouched over and hugging himself, looking more like a kid who had just come up from Juniors than someone who had played his first NHL game while Kent was still a bantam.

"And it doesn't... I mean, you're okay with him kissing another guy?"

No, Kent really, really wasn't okay with Jack kissing another guy, but not for the same reason Scraps thought he wouldn't be okay.

"Zimms can date whoever the hell he wants," he snapped, daring Scraps to challenge him. What was Scraps getting at with all this, anyway? Screw it. He was pissed, and he was going to say what he wished Swoops had said to Carl Fucking Chadwick back at the bar. "And even though Falcs management is probably going to hand his ass to him tomorrow, he's got the same damn right to kiss his boyfriend after winning the Cup that St. Martin and Robinson had to kiss their wives."

And if you think any different, then go take a long walk off a short pier, you pea-brained troglodyte.

He was expecting to get some kind of stammering, insincere protest that still managed to be eighteen different kinds of offensive.

What he got instead was one of the league's most notorious goons sitting down hard on the hood of Kent's brand new car, covering his eyes with one hand and flat out sobbing.

What the hell?

Oh.

Oh.

Heart rabbiting in his throat, Kent closed the remaining distance between him and Scraps in a flash. "Hey, hey... it's okay, man. It's gonna be okay. I promise. Now get off the car, because you're wearing jeans and the rivets will fuck up the paint. And can you please stop crying, because you're freaking me the fuck out."

What the fuck was he was supposed to do next? Should he ask Scraps to confirm what Kent thought? Or maybe he should chime in with a supportive 'me too!' (and yup, there was the automatic spike of nausea and panic at the thought). Or maybe he should just try to find some tissues somewhere because Scraps was wiping away snot with the back of his hand and that was just gross. And maybe he should stop trying to take refuge in wisecracks, even ones that didn't leave the privacy of his own head.

Or maybe he should just do what he wished Swoops had had the fucking courage and decency to do.

"I'm sorry, Scraps," he said, and the confused look he got from the other man was just heartbreaking. Whatever Scraps had been expecting from Kent, an apology certainly wasn't it. "They should give me the A instead of the C, because everyone knows A stands for 'asshole.'"

"No you're not," Scraps mumbled. "An asshole, I mean. I thought, well, I hoped you'd be okay with this. With me."

Kent took a deep breath, because bursting into hysterical, nervous breakdown-style laughter wouldn't help anyone right now.

"Someone should have... I mean I should have told Carl to shut his fucking mouth." And maybe he should have, but Kent had assumed it was just him in the cross-hairs, and why the hell would he want to draw attention to himself when it was clear that no one was going to have his back? "I'm your captain. I know some guys say all that means is that I'm the guy who gets to plan the parties, but I should've been looking out for you."

Scraps still wouldn't look him in the eye. "You didn't know."

"That doesn't matter."

If he hadn't had the first clue about Scraps, what else had he missed? Who else might have been in that bar, laughing to cover their own butts but also watching to see how their captain and alternates reacted? Shit.

"So it doesn't bother you, that I, uh..."

Kent raised an eyebrow. "Like guys?"

Oh, Scrappy, my friend, do I have news for you.

"Yeah. And, y'know," he said, voice cracking, "have a boyfriend?"

Kent swore he felt a circuit breaker trip in his brain. Everything he thought he knew about Scraps was rearranging itself so fast he couldn't keep up. Scraps had a reputation as a player because he kept coming to practice with hickeys in interesting places, and from the way he talked, he burned through girlfriends at a rate that assholes like Carl found aspirational.

Girlfriends no one had ever met.

Girlfriends he always managed to break up with right before family skate or the team Christmas party or the post-season cookout.

And, now that he thought about it, Kent couldn't think of anyone ever saying that they'd been to Scraps' place even though he'd been with the team since the expansion draft. He honestly couldn't say he had any clue where in the city Scraps lived.

"A boyfriend, huh? That's cool," Kent said, because Scraps was getting visibly nervous at his lack of response. Now what else were you supposed to say at times like this? "Uh, how long have you two been together?"

And Christ, the way Scraps' eyes went soft for just a second hit Kent square in the heart the way Kit had when he first saw her huddled in the back of her cage at the shelter.

"Since we were fifteen. But me and Donny, we knew each other forever before then, I mean, he grew up two houses down from me. I don't remember ever not being friends with him."

Kent did the math on that, and even if he got it a little wrong, he knew that Scraps and his boy had been together a long time. Longer than any other couple he knew except for Bob and Alicia. And given what Kent knew about the tiny Alberta town Scraps came from, it was probably nothing short of a fucking miracle that they'd gotten together in the first place and survived to tell the tale. Or not tell it, as it turned out.

"I'm jealous. No, seriously, man. That's awesome," he said when Scraps gave him a sidelong look as if not sure if Kent was teasing him or not. He really was jealous, but it didn't feel like it was going to turn poisonous.

Scraps nodded brusquely, like he was squaring himself up for something. "I want us to go all the way next year, Parser. I want us to win again, and then I wanna do what Zimmermann did."

"You should've been able to do that five years ago, and I'm so fucking sorry you couldn't." Kent wished it was otherwise, but he couldn't see the Aces reacting to Scraps the way the Falcs had reacted to Jack.

Scraps didn't say anything. He just rubbed at his scar, a nervous gesture that came out only rarely, and Kent remembered with a twist in his gut how insistent he was that he get back out on the ice or at least back on the bench even though his face was still a mess.

"First things first, though," Kent said when he could breathe again, "I'm gonna help you figure out how to get Donny onto your emergency contacts list, okay?"

Scraps startled the way you did when it felt like someone had just read your mind, but then he looked like he was going to start crying again. "Management doesn't know."

They don't know about me, either, Kent almost said. He still wasn't sure he wanted them or anyone else to know. He'd need to think about it, and talk to a bunch of other people first. His therapist, for sure. Bob, maybe. "Okay. So give me his number and I'll make sure that if he needs to know anything, he'll know it."

"Thanks, Parser." Scraps looked relieved, but drained down to the last drop. Kent knew how that felt. He wondered if he should tell Scraps about himself, but it wouldn't be now. Not on top of everything else that had happened tonight.

"Things are going to change, Scraps. I'm gonna make sure of that. I should've done that earlier, but..." He shrugged. But he couldn't have his own back. He couldn't be his own ally.

He sure as hell could be someone else's ally, though.

"But?"

"But I was an asshole. Plain and simple. I could've made things different, but I didn't, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell Carl to shut the hell up. And don't say it's okay, because it's not. But I'll make it okay. I promise. Things are gonna change and when the time comes, you'll get to plant one on your boy at center ice if that's what you want. Or maybe you can go one better and put a ring on it. Now let me drive you home - you look seven kinds of wrecked. Where do you live, anyway?"

Scraps gave him the address.

"Boulder City!? Are you shitting me? You mean I've got to drive all the way to..." He slumped and tried to rub away the stress headache. "Argh! You know what, never mind. I said I've got you, so I got you. Get in the car. Why are all my friends are such freaking losers? Boulder City? Seriously?"

Someone else might have thought it weird how Scraps' face lit up at being chirped like that, but Kent got it.

They drove in a weirdly comfortable silence for a while, Scraps only interrupting to point out a better way to get to 215.

It was good to have something to think about that wasn't Zimms and whoever-the-fuck it was that wasn't Kent even though it was only holding off the inevitable collapse for just a bit longer.

But if he had a reason to keep his shit at least somewhat together...

"Remind me to call my therapist tomorrow."

Scraps startled away from looking into the darkness that had taken over once they passed Henderson. "Huh?"

"It's a long story, which I think you should maybe hear parts of, but not right now, okay?" Scraps needed to talk to Donny, and Kent needed to get home and cuddle with Kit and let himself break down for a little bit.

"Uh, okay?" Scraps had reverted to his usual state when not on the ice, which was pleasantly befuddled. "Oh! Turn here."

Scraps guided him through a maze of suburban streets. The general feel was upscale and private but not flashy, which was not what Kent would have expected. Of course, tonight had brought a lot of things he had not expected.

Kent finally pulled up in front of a faux-adobe house that looked like the kind of place you'd get if you maybe wanted to have kids some day. It was the sort of place you'd get with someone you'd been with for fifteen years.

Fifteen years. Jesus. He and Zimms had had less than a year as more-than-friends, and look how much it had fucked him up.

Scraps unlocked his door, but Kent reached out to stop him from getting out of the car "Hey, there's some stuff I gotta take care of tomorrow, but this weekend, I want you and Donny to come to my place for lunch or whatever. First of all, I need to see what kind of guy has been willing to put up with your ignorant ass for over a decade. Second of all, we need to talk about how we can start making things right. You want to come out to the team, right?"

"Yeah. If Donny does, I mean. But yeah."

"You do know that if you do, and it goes okay, you two are so going to get stuck with hosting cookouts for the team because it looks like you've got a sweet backyard there."

Hell, in a perfect world, they'd end up billeting a rookie or two, assuming the rookie was okay with driving out to East Jesus every day.

Scraps laughed and Kent thought that maybe everything would be okay.

He waited in his car until he saw that Scraps got safely inside. He got a brief, shadowed glimpse of a large man pulling Scraps inside and into a hug before the door closed behind them.

Kent punched his own address into his GPS because suburbs always confused and annoyed him. Then, he hit the road.

He could feel the thing with Zimms pushing at his head like the first pulses of a migraine, but his mind was whirling with enough other stuff to keep it at bay for the next little while at least. He started making a list.

First, he'd text his therapist a few details the minute he got home. Once she saw what it was about, Elaine would clear the decks for a phone appointment, no questions asked. Hell, if she'd watched the game or even just the news about the game, she was probably planning to call him if he didn't get in touch by tomorrow.

Next, he'd text Swoops and tell him to show up no earlier than eleven with a double batch of his special Bloody Marys. If Swoops was too hungover to drive or decided he was still pissed off at Kent about tonight, then Kent knew where Swoops lived and where he kept his spare key. He also had an air horn and he was not afraid to use it.

One way or another, they were going to have a little talk about what it meant to be a captain and what Kent would be expecting of his alternate captains going forward. They would also talk about how being an ally wasn't just not saying shit that would get you a fine for unsportsmanlike conduct. And then, if all went well, the two of them could gang up on Link and either get him with the program or find ways to make his life a living hell.

(He made a mental note to talk to Elaine about what to do if things didn't go well and Swoops decided to be an asshole after all.)

No matter what happened, though, things were going to change. They were already changing because of Jack, and it was long past time they changed because of Kent.

Fifteen years. How many other guys were out there in the league right now who were just like him or Scraps? How many had there been over the past hundred years? He shuddered. If he thought too much about it, he was going to be sick.

He was able to keep his thoughts down to a dull roar for the rest of the drive home and then up from the parking garage to his condo. Even before he got the door open, Kit was yowling like she'd been abandoned for weeks.

It wasn't until he scooped her up and she was purring like a cement mixer and butting her head up under his chin like she was trying to crawl inside his head that something finally struck him. He'd been so busy bracing himself for the inevitable breakdown about Zimms that he'd missed something else completely. Something big.

It was so freaking huge that he wondered why he hadn't seen it before, but now that he did see it, he collapsed back against the door and slid down to the ground because the sudden flood of relief was as overwhelming as any pain.

"I'm not alone, baby girl," he said as the tears finally came and would not stop. "I'm not alone anymore."

[twenty-nothing]

OneHundredFiftyEight

How do you dress when you’re not at work? My work is casual dress so I dress the same way really lol What is your favorite thing about yourself? I’m funny and can make people laugh Tell me about the shirt you’re wearing? It’s a long sleeve striped PJ shirt. My mom and I got matching ones at the outlet mall What was the first thing you thought this morning? THANK THE LORD IT IS FRIDAY Who did you last say I love you to? My mom

Are you wearing shorts? Nope Ever had a boy best friend? Yes Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Yeah if we’re dating Do your parents actually knock on your door before entering your room? They did when I lived at home Do you think sweat bands look hot on guys? Hell no Have you ever thought a man over 40 was attractive? Oh hell yeah, I like the older guys lol Would you prefer to date someone taller, shorter, or the same height as you? same height or taller, never shorter. I’m already only 5′ 4′’! Can you honestly say you’re okay right now? Yeah Is there a song that every time you hear it, you think of someone? Yes, there are many What can’t you wait for? To reach my goal weight Are you ticklish? Oh yeah Do you have a bad temper? Kinda, I have a pretty short temper, It doesn’t take much to ruin my mood What brand of digital camera do you own? I have no idea, I haven’t even seen it in years Have you ever seen a Broadway show in New York? Yes! I saw the lion king Do you get drunk every weekend? No What did you do today?

Went to work Are you listening to music right now? Nope, watching KUWTK Your last ex died today, how would you feel? Fine Do you like maxi dresses? No, too much fabric,would make me sweat Do you worry about guys thinking you’re hot? Not at all Are you healthy? Kinda halfway :( Do you like the idea of promise rings in relationships? No, put that money towards an engagement ring Did you wear sunglasses today? Yes If you straighten your hair, how long does it take? About 15 minutes Can anyone in your immediate family play the guitar? No Why were you last frustrated? My boss keeps giving me her work to do and I don’t think understands I have my own work to do and her work is above my pay grade Would you date someone 8 years older than you? Yes Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to? No Do you have a friend of the same sex you can talk to? Yes What is your secret weapon to lure the opposite sex? lol nothing, I’ve been single for over 5 years so clearly I’ve got nothing people want What do you want to get accomplished today/tonight? Nothing, the day is over You’re single, right? Yes Do you like the snow? I mean I like the look of it but I hate cleaning off my car and driving in it lol The cold doesn’t bother me as much as it seems to bother everyone else When was the last time you were told you were cute? It’s been a while Would you ever smile at a stranger? Yeah if they smile first usually you smile back Do you need to go shopping for anything? I HAVE to get size 10 jeans with no holes in them. Kohls have been out of my jeans for WEEKS How much have you changed in the last year or so? I’ve lost 22 pounds, I’ve changed jobs, I’ve gotten a new car, and I hope I’ve grown up a little Do you have a favourite name? What is it? For a girl, Angie and for a boy, Paul Do you wrap up warm in the cold weather? Yes If you could live anywhere, where would you choose? Why? Boston, I just love it there. The vibe is none other Do you have any habits you’d like to break? Which? Unhealthy eating and hateful thoughts about myself Have you ever wished to be an internet celebrity? How about a ‘real’ one? Eh, not really. I don’t do well with haters Have you kept any birthday cards from when you were younger? Yeah Have you ever been kayaking? Yes! I didn’t wear sunscreen and got second degree sunburns on my shoulders and chest lmao Do you care overly about other people? Not as much as I should I suppose If you could have any animal as a pet, which would you choose? Chickadee What is your favourite piece of furniture you own?

Dining table Do you still live with your parents? Nope Have you ever been told your aspirations are unrealistic? Yes When were you last jealous? Are you a jealous person? Psh I’m jealous at least once a day, so obviously Do you ever think about embarrassing moments and cringe? At least once a day Do you believe you will never get over someone? No Do you watch scary movies on your own? Yes! I love scary movies What is your favourite family tradition? Christmas

[sinsiriuslyemo]

Hello, hello!! New episode of Cuba v DR!! More of Omar and Amber, and Lila finally has woken up! Will she make a change finally? Only one episode left in the season!! And boy do we have a big one coming for next season lol

EPISODE 29

“Coño, this pendejo shows up everywhere doesn't he?” Nevada nodded a bit to where Amber was still in line to get food, now talking to Troy.

Omar shrugged. “He works around here, it isn’t that weird?”

“I guess,” Nevada mumbled. “How long’s that been going on?” he asked, gesturing to the pair in line again as he handed NJ another french fry.

NJ squealed in delight as he ate the french fry and smiled.

“She says they aren't fucking. But he sure wants to be,” Omar rolled his eye as he sipped his drink and picked Fallon up to burp her. “He's an okay guy, he'd be good for her.”

Nevada arched a brow. “You don’t think she should have other shit on her mind besides the new dick swinging in front of her?”

“I don't think she'll give him the time of day right now. This baby is her whole world.” He wiped milk off of Fallon and kissed her curls. “I just want her to be happy, I feel like we're finally good again. I don't wanna fuck with it.”

“Yeah, I hear you,” Nevada replied, looking down at the twins as they polish off their food. “Bueno, I gotta get these two to their abuela’s so I can go to the hospital. Lila woke up deaf.”

“Shit man I didn't think she'd wake up at all,” Omar said honestly.

“Me neither. Between you and me, I was hoping she wouldn’t, but I’ll take what I can get. Fucking bitch,” Nevada replied.

Omar chuckled, “Papi of three and you're such a fucking angel now.” He glanced back at Amber and Troy who were still chatting, not even moving up with the line anymore. “Coño, at this rate, neither one of us is gonna eat. Come on, I’ll come with you. Feed Fallon over at mami’s.”

“Damn, you’re gonna ditch her?” Nevada replied with a grin.

“Yup,” Omar replied, picking up Fallon and following Nevada out of the diner.

By the time Izzy was finally allowed into the room, she was a wreck, moving to Lila's bedside and taking her hand.

Lila gave her hand a gentle squeeze and kissed her skin. That's all it took to break Izzy down into tears.

“Why are you crying?” she mumbled.

“I was so scared of losing you,” she whispered. “I'm so glad you're okay.”

Lila studied her wife's face for a moment and frowned. “Izzy, you can't fucking whisper,” she said in a bit of annoyance. “I can barely hear you when you shout.”

Izzy bit her lip and nodded, just kissing Lila's hands and leaning her face against her wife's. “I love you,” she said loudly, enunciating each word so she could see it.

Lila just glared at her, hating that Izzy not only had to shout for her to even hear her, but she was speaking slowly as though she were unable to understand English.

Izzy retracted mentally at the glare and looked down at her hands again.

You looked in frowning and nudged Rafael, gesturing to Izzy’s body language. “Have I ever mentioned how much I hate Lila?”

“A few times,” he mumbled, giving the girl in the hospital bed a glare of his own. “Glad to see you're alright,” he said to her.

“She hasn’t gotten her hearing aides yet,” Izzy said, looking back at him.

“Oh…”

Lila just frowned, rubbing a hand over her face. “Hey, I'm actually really tired...do you guys mind leaving?”

Rafael arched a brow, not needing to be asked twice.

“Sure, Izzy come on. You can come over if you’d like,” he said.

“I want to stay,” she whispered and looked to Lila, squeezing her hands. “Baby I want to stay with you,” she said loudly.

Lila rolled her eyes, too tired to even argue as Rafael muttered a ‘fine’ and turned to leave.

“I’ll be at home, taking care of someone who will actually appreciate my help,” he said to you once the two of you had walked out into the waiting room. “I love Izzy, but she keeps choosing her abuser over her family, and I will not watch what happened to mami happen to her too.”

You nodded in agreement, “we'll get to her, but right now they're both gonna have to do a lot of healing.”

You linked arms with him as the two of you moved out of the hospital.

“Healing my ass,” Rafael mumbled, hailing a cab. “You coming with me? You know how Roxie appreciates her girl time when she has her period.”

You rolled your eyes, “I have kids to care for sometimes,” you teased but agreed to come with him to visit your future sister in law.

“They’re with their father, I’m sure they’ll at least stay in one piece,” he quipped with a smirk as he opened the cab door for you and followed in. He gave the driver his address, and looked over at you. “I miss you,” he said suddenly. “I miss our time together.”

You smiled and snuggled up to him. “I miss it too, you'll always be my first best friend.”

“Thanks,” he replied, hugging you to his side and kissing the top of your head. “You should come by more often. Roxie and Amber don’t really hang out that much anymore, and they’re both so busy that they don’t have much time to go out.”

You quirked a brow, “Oh yeah? Schedule conflicts?”

“Yeah,” he replied, nodding his head. “She doesn’t come by our place because it’s awkward for me,” he added. “And they haven’t had time to plan a night out.”

You nodded, “Well she's busy with the baby anyway.”

“Right,” he replied as you pulled up to he and Roxie’s building. “If you knew, why’d you give me the judgy eye?” he asked with a smirk.

“Because I figured Amber and Roxie being a bit more distant with each other had something to do with you. Not that I blame you.”

“Well, I won’t lie, them not being so close that they sync up on their cycles is definitely a plus,” he mumbled. “It’s not that I wanted Roxie to not be friends with her or completely write her off, I just don’t like Amber and I definitely don’t want her so involved in my life.”

“You know, it can't be healthy to dislike someone like that. She doesn't care one way or another about you.”

“I’m allowed to dislike someone. That’s healthy, it’s normal. Not everyone likes everyone. It’s not like I curse her name every chance I get, I just don’t like her,” he replied. “I only put up with her because she’s your friend, that doesn’t mean I wanna be her friend.”

“Fair enough,” you shrugged, “I didn't like Mr. Wesley at Harvard, I never got why he was your favorite professor. I did incredible work but because we were sleeping together he never gave me higher than a B.” You rolled your eyes.

He stopped dead in his tracks, making a face.

“Well he isn’t my favorite professor anymore,” he mumbled. “If you didn’t like him, why did you sleep with him?”

“Are you joking? Tall, handsome, that salt and pepper slicked back hair and he drank scotch like he was paid to do it. He was a total dreamboat. But a dick of a teacher. I had A-student work,” you complained.

“Maybe you didn’t,” Rafael mused. “Maybe he thought you could do better, make more of an effort.” He paused for a moment as he opened the front door. “I can’t believe you slept with him, dear God. Is there anyone you haven’t slept with?” he teased.

“Hey!” you scolded but thought. “At Harvard? No.”

“That was a rhetorical question, and gross,” he replied, tossing his keys on the counter. “I’m gonna go check on Roxie, just make yourself at home.”

Roxie was sitting in bed reading, smiling when she noticed him. “Hey, I missed you,” she said with a smile.

“Hey, I’m sorry. Lila woke up,” he replied, sitting on the bed and stroking her cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“Better,” she nodded gently and stroked her fingers over his face, pulling him close. “Now I'm a bit needy for my fiancé,” she purred.

He chuckled softly, letting her pull him down and whispering in her ear, “Y/N’s in the living room.” He snuggled against her, kissing the corner of her jaw.

She shrugged and kissed him, wrapping her legs around his waist. “I don't mind.”

He smirked against her mouth, humming softly as he deepened the kiss and letting his full weight settle on top of her.

She moaned and tugged at him, apparently having completely forgotten her abstinence pledge as she pull him tight against her.

Gently rocking his hips against hers, he moved his kisses over her neck, biting down on her pulse point.

She moaned loudly and immediately you opened the door. “Are you fucking kidding? You invited me over to give me an audible show?”

Rafael rolled his eyes, looking back at you over his shoulder.

“We weren’t gonna have sex, we were just having a moment, now do you mind? Besides, maybe it would be my payback for sleeping with my favorite professor and sullying my memory of him,” he replied.

You rolled your eyes, “Rafi, he was a great professor, he couldn't help it if I was 22 and handling daddy issues with the grace of a serial killer.”

“Ew! Why do you have to ruin everything?” he groaned, rolling off of Roxie, who glared at you.

“And now you’ve gone and cocked up my sex life,” she said. “No pun intended as the opposite seems to be occurring.”

“Yes, but I'm gonna feed you and turn on Ryan Gosling movies.”

Roxie quirked a brow, “I'm listening.”

“Well for one, you aren't married yet. Don't break your agreement so close to the finish line, and two, I just ordered takeout and ice cream,” you winked.

“And you're back in my good graces,” Roxie smirked.

“Are you kidding me? You’re picking take out and Ryan Gosling movies over me?” Rafael asked, looking at his fiance. “He’s not even good looking, you could at least make the guy handsome.”

“He's got charm though, it's his earnest demeanor, and she's right, we aren't married yet,” Roxie nodded.

He rolled his eyes and glared at you, getting up from the bed as he looked back at Roxie.

“I have serious concern over your taste in men,” he said before pinning you with another glare. “And you stay out of my Goddamn sex life or I will make it my personal goal to end yours,” he growled, moving past you.

“It's already halfway gone, buddy!” you called after him and sighed a bit.

“Still not getting laid?” Roxie asked curiously.

“Not as much as I'd like… honestly if I had it my way we'd never leave the bedroom. I've never gotten over how attracted I am to him… sometimes I worry he doesn't think I'm as beautiful as I was when I was younger, prettier with no bullet holes and stretch marks from kids…”

“I think you’re reading far too much into it,” Roxie offered. “Have you ever noticed the way he looks at you when you’re not looking? No, of course you don’t because you aren’t looking,” she said, answering her own question. “He looks at you as though you are the stars and the moon and the sun. Nothing else exists.”

You couldn't help but smile, “Yeah?” This put all of your fears to bed. You loved him so much.

“Yes,” Roxie replied. “Now on another note, I have no idea why I came up with this wretched abstinence pledge. It’s completely pointless if I won’t even be able to enjoy my wedding night because I’ve been withholding.”

“Yes you will, you are the one who made this decision. Not to mention it's good to show a little self control now and then.” You smiled at her. “You were the one who told me how much you wanted to try this, to make your first night special, to make it feel exciting and new, don't forget that.”

“Yes, but if I’m clawing at him the moment we say I do, then I won’t enjoy it at all. It’ll be over far too quickly, and I don’t really need to not have sex to make it exciting and new. We’ll be married, and therefore it will already be exciting and new. This is ridiculous, why did I think this was a good idea?” she asked herself, grabbing the remote and tossing it to you. “I’m shooting myself in the foot. I’ll be so focused on having sex again, that I’ll forget to appreciate the fact that it will be my first time with my husband.”

“Why can you not handle three weeks without sex?” you asked in slight horror. “What is wrong with you two?”

“Look who’s talking,” she replied. “We made it two weeks, that’s plenty of nonsense.”

“You're just hormonal, and before I met Nevada, I went three years without sex. Spoiler: it's possible,” you teased. “Look, you can do whatever you want, I just want you to remember why you chose to do it in the first place, because it was important to you.”

“I’m having trouble remembering why exactly it was so bloody important to me. And I have gone longer than three weeks without sex before, thank you very much,” she replied.

“You'll remember once we have our girls day,” you smiled and kissed her cheek as you grabbed the remote, turning on the tv and hopping into bed.  “Now let's have some fun.”

“Papi! Papi! Look!” Lily and the twins all bolted towards a cafe where Eddie was sitting with Greyson, fingers intertwined.

“Oh look who’s back in the picture all of a sudden,” Nevada teased.

Greyson smiled a bright smile and got up, holding out a hand to Nevada. He was always the most polite and friendliest of Eddie's exes. To be honest, he might have been a little too good for Eddie.

“Hi Mr. Ramirez, it's really good to see you again.”

“You too,” Nevada replied, shaking his hand. “What are you doing with this cabrón, thought you dropped him like a hot potato,” he mused, smirking.

“It's hard staying away,” Greyson smiled at Eddie it was clear how much he loved Eddie. “Maybe Eddie and I don't want the same things but...I love him. Love is compromising and working together, right?”

He sat back down with Eddie and grinned before turning to Nevada. “Please! Come eat with us, it's my treat for everyone.” He picked up the kids, putting the twins in his lap while Lily sat in Eddie's lap.

Eddie smiled at Greyson as he watched his boyfriend play with the kids. The reason you had adored Greyson so much was because Eddie was a different person with Greyson. He was the old Eddie. The sweet kid that loved school and his family and everyone. Greyson brought out a side of Eddie that you had always feared was lost.

“You better treat him better this time,” Nevada said to Eddie before he looked back at Greyson. “No, that’s okay. They just ate and I gotta get them to their abuelas, pero you should come by for dinner soon.”

“That's such a kind offer,” Greyson beamed, dimples showing and Eddie couldn't take his eyes off the boy.

Eddie grinned and pulled him close, kissing his cheek. “You're so fucking cute,” he mumbled with a blush, he wasn't used to doting on lovers.

“Alright, vamos guys. Abuela’s waiting, and if I don’t get to the hospital, your mami’s gonna have my huevos. Let’s go,” Nevada said.

“Bye Mr. Ramirez,” Greyson waved and hugged each of the kids.

Eddie stood and hugged the kids as well before moving to Nevada and giving him a hug as well. “Bye tio,” he said softly.

“I’ll see you later, oye...I mean it, you better treat this kid good, me entiendes? I like him,” Nevada said softly.

Eddie looked up at Nevada and grinned, the happiest he'd been in a long time, “Yeah, me too,” he chuckled before moving back to sit down with Greyson.

Nevada got to the hospital and looked around for you, but he didn’t see you anywhere. The only person he saw was Izzy, sitting in the waiting room with her legs hugged to her chest, head down on her knees. Going over, he sat down beside her and nudged her gently.

“Oye, how’s it going?”

“She's lost, sometimes she needs me for everything, she's scared...and then sometimes she's furious. Not at me, at herself. She's so angry...I don't know how to help her.”

“Maybe you can’t,” he replied softly.

“Then what now?” She looked up at Nevada, at a loss for words or answers. It was a lot for a 21 year old to be handling. She was still just a kid.

“Now, you focus on you, and give her some time, I guess. Not like you can do anything for her if she won’t let you. So just wait for her to let you. In the meantime just do you,” he replied. “Where’s Dama, I thought she was here.”

“Lila asked her to leave, so she went home with Rafi.”

“Oh,” he replied. “Bueno, you wanna get outta here?” he asked, looking over at her.

“Yeah,” she said with a smile. “I really do.”

“Alright. Let’s blow this popsicle stand,” he replied, getting up.

“I still don’t remember,” Roxie complained, slumping back against the pillows.

“Well then have sex with him,” you shrug. “Doesn't matter to me.”

“Thank you for the permission,” she replied sarcastically, smirking as she rolled her eyes. “How’s Lila?”

“Still a bitch,” you said with a tight smile. You made it clear how you felt about your sister in law.

“I’m sorry. She wasn’t always like that, you know,” Roxie answered as Rafael poked his head into the bedroom.

“Your food’s here,” he said.

“Will you bring it in, love?” Roxie pleaded and you snickered.

“Yeah, love.”

“I’m really busy right now. Y/N, since you’re doing nothing, why don’t you get it?” he answered, leaving the bedroom.

You rolled your eyes but got up and got the food, coming to sit back down with Roxie and smiling. “Eat up,” you said gently.

Roxie took a bite of noodles from the Chinese takeout and a spoonful of ice cream in the same mouthful, making you cringe.

“Why is it so important to you anyway?” you finally asked.

“I don't know,” she sighed and then thought for a moment. “Well, maybe I do...it's not about the social construct of purity. When I met Rafael, we jumped right into bed together because we knew there was only a limited time before things came to an end. So I never got the waiting, the chaste touches, the hand holding and knowing that you can't yet go further.” She took another bite of ice cream. “I know it sounds silly but, couples can so easily begin to take sex for granted. We don't, but who knows what the future holds. When I look back at these three weeks, it reminds me not only that we are so much more than great sex and chemistry on a physical level, we're connected on a spiritual level as well.

“Yes, I have been shagging him for almost three years and I know that no one understands it, sometimes I don't even understand it. But when I marry him and make love to him for the first time as his wife...it will be worth it. I truly believe that.”

“But, I don’t understand, if you’re already more than just sex, why would need a reminder?” you asked.

“I know we're more than sex, but like I said, I never got a chance to wait with Rafael. There wasn't time. Now we have all the time in the world together. So I want this to be our...fresh start.”

“But you waited for a year after he came back from London, I thought. Wait...did you figure out how to fuck from different countries?” you asked, only a little serious.

She leaned in and grinned, “Yes, we did,” she teased. “No, but we had phone sex, and even if we didn't, it wasn't a choice. This is my choice, if he's truly against it, I'll give it up. But this means something to me, Y/N, it's not just something I picked up in a bridal magazine, it has real significance to me.”

“Well, he’s never gonna tell you he’s against it, because he’s not an asshole, but it still doesn’t make any sense to me,” you replied honestly. “Not that I care if you have sex with my brother, I actually think it’s hilarious to watch him all snippy and on edge.”

Roxie rolled her eyes, “Be nicer to him,” she scolded. “He loves you so much.”

“Eh, I get bored. I love him, too, but it’s fun to mess with his head,” you replied, shrugging.

She shook her head, “No, no, go out and hug him right now. And tell him you appreciate him or you will not be a bridesmaid in this wedding.”

Your eyes narrowed, “You wouldn't dare.”

“Oh watch me,” she quipped as she watched you stand up and move to the other room.

You wrapped your arms around your brother and hugged him tight. “Hey, you know I love you...right dumbass?”

“Yeah, okay, I love you too. I’m busy,” he mumbled half-heartedly, not taking his eyes off his files. “Go back into the bedroom and tell Roxie she should never have sex again. Better yet, why don’t the two of you start a letter writing campaign to have more Ryan Gosling movies. Or, wait I know…” Now he did take his eyes away from his work, though he didn’t look at you, but rather the empty space in front of him. “Why don’t the two of you just think of some more ways I can cater to your every beck and call, that way you can have a fantastic laugh.”

“Hey,” you said softly and stroked his face. “I'm sorry...I don't want you to think I don't appreciate you. I think you're amazing, Rafi you've always been my hero. And for the last time, I told her to bone you, I don't care if she waits or not.”

“Go away, Y/N. I have enough going on, I don’t need you or Izzy making my life more difficult,” he replied, sighing as he pinched his nose. “If you don’t care, then why say anything to her about it at all?”

“Because what's important to your fiancé is important to me, she's gonna be family,” you said softly but you turned him to face you. “Hey, you need a break.”

“I don’t need a break, I need to work. I’ve been taking a break all day; taking care of Roxie, of Izzy. Now, I have to be in court tomorrow morning. Are you gonna go put this bastard away for me?” You opened your mouth to answer, but he didn’t let you get a word in edge wise. “No, I didn’t think so. So, go watch your Ryan Gosling, eat your ice cream and Chinese food. If you don’t mind, don’t get any on my side of the bed, I’d prefer not sleep in a sticky mess tonight.”

You stood and moved up to the kitchen, making him some fresh coffee and heating up some of Roxie's scones, setting them down beside him and kissing his hair silently before moving back towards the bedroom.

He didn’t even look up at the treats from his files, just continued to take notes and reference case law at the table.

As you returned back to Roxie, you gave her an apologetic look. “Hey, I gotta go, but I'll come visit tomorrow okay?”

Roxie frowned, “go?”

“Yeah, Rafi is in a bad mood and I think he could use a little silent time, then a little fiancé time.” You smiled at her and gave her a big hug before heading out to the living room and then the front door.

Roxie shuffled to the living room to sit beside Rafael, not bothering him, just being near him.

“What’s the matter, Roxie?” he asked in a mumble, eyes not stopping as they moved over the file in front of his, jotting some things down.

“You sister said you seemed like you could use some caring for, so whenever you're done, I'm going to care for you,” she smiled at him, kissing his shoulder.

“I’m fine, what I need is to be prepared tomorrow morning,” he answered. “And I don’t know when I’ll be done.”

“Well I'm not going anywhere, so take your time love,” she just got comfortable, sitting beside him for hours, silently waiting.

Before she knew it, it was almost three in the morning and he hadn’t show very many signs of slowing down.

“You should get some sleep, it’s late,” he mumbled, still concentrates on the case.

“I'm fine,” she said with a warm smile. “Shall I make us coffee?” She glanced up from her recipe book and kissed his cheek.

“No, I’m okay right now,” he replied absently. “I actually think I might go to bed,” he added as he looked at his watch, rubbing a hand over his face and packing up his files into his briefcase before he went to their bedroom to change into his pajama pants and tshirt.

She followed and laid down in bed, smiled beside him. “I love you,” she whispered.

“Me too,” he mumbled, turning to lay on his stomach, hugging the pillow beneath his head and shutting his eyes. “Goodnight.”

She curled up against him after shutting off the lights.