#my gender identity is incredibly nuanced

[scrimbler]

[ventique18]

~ Malleus and his self-expression in the Japanese language ~

Just a few random things that Malleus enthusiasts might find interesting...

As we're probably aware of by now, the English version is not exactly a 1-1 translation of the Japanese version. This is unavoidable, as a lot of culture nuances just can't be faithfully expressed without having to explain them in detail like this. One of those is Malleus' way of talking. He's often presented in English as talking as if he woke up straight from the Victorian era; and while that's also true in Japanese as he talks somewhat formally, there's something about his self-expression that wasn't carried over in the English version: in that he speaks in a masculine way.

In Japanese, there are typically three ways that a person can express themselves through speech: feminine, gender-neutral, and masculine. There's also varying degrees of these three depending on "bluntness" or "softness"-- and when you think mega blunt, you can imagine Leona's way of speaking that's actually accurate to how he physically acts. The thing is, Malleus also practically talks like that; just removing some pronouns and particles that would come off as rude.

Basically, he talks in an assertive, masculine way while actively avoiding mansplaining superiority to his conversation partners, which Leona and a few others tend to do.

Another interesting thing to point out is what some of you might have noticed in the audio: his preference of using "Boku" as a personal pronoun. Boku is one of the pronouns used by masculine people. While "Ore", which Leona uses, is more masculine, it's not Malleus' preference as it comes off as a lot more aggressive while Boku is more polite. This is why Ore is also frequently used by most men (people can swap pronouns depending on the situation!) when they're in casual situations; because it gives off a message that they do not appreciate being submissive among peers. If you've noticed, Ace, angry Deuce, and most of the third years use Ore as their pronoun.

The last mentioned point is important, because you might question why doesn't Malleus use Ore as his pronoun when he's literally higher ranking/more important than anyone else in the school? Because it's more formal than Ore, and this is just my personal conjecture, but it gives off a mighty message that he doesn't even need words or pronouns to assert how naturally dominant he is.

But if he likes being formal that much, why doesn't he just use the very formal pronoun "Watashi", like the headmage Crowley? Because, going back to the very first point, Boku suggests masculinity while Watashi does not. He also actually doesn't structure his sentence in an overly formal way like the headmage because doing so would omit the air of masculinity which he rather prefers.

So yeah, that's just an interesting topic I thought some would be curious about. The first time I heard him, I also didn't expect he'd express himself in an assertive way because of the beautiful elegance he always carries with him. Actually, this makes me appreciate Twst more; because it doesn't really conform to societal norms--that yes, a man can wear makeup and heels and it's not anyone's business how he decides to express himself.

Some other non-Malleus notes: this topic is incredibly nuanced and vast. There's no hard rule for this and it really depends on the individual to mix and match depending on how they want to express themselves. For example, Furina as the Hydro Archon is feminine but uses Boku as her pronoun as a message that she is not to be looked down on by men. This is interesting to me, as rather than associating pronouns to gender like in English, Japanese pronouns can carry other messages depending on the person's intent. That's why we prefer to call it masculinity or femininity, as it really is more of a self-expression rather than gender identity. There are actually other more self-expression patterns outside masculine-feminine-neutral!

[in-depth-transsexualism]

I need some of y'all need to get real about the trans men/transmasc male privilege discussions. Because I was literally the “girl” with long hair wearing frilly outfits being told by people online and irl that I had male privilege.

The "trans men and transmascs all have unequivocal male privilege" is so fucked to me. You've essentially told a young me that I'm not really a "man" and not even a "trans man" because I haven't gotten on hormones and passed at all. Is that not it's core transphobic? I thought my own mere self identification was "valid?" What happened to trans men who are feminine are "valid?" Also the very things you expect me to do to "earn" my title, I didn't get any tips from the likes of y'all jumping to tell me about this so called "privilege" I have. When I looked up "trans men" in the search bar, you know what I saw? Not resources on how to afford HRT and where to find binders, but discussions of passing trans men and male privilege. No, I did not have "toxic masculinity" when I had long hair and wore dresses and told people that the "I hate men" and "kill all men" comments made me uncomfortable. I WAS A SCARED TRANS KID, I WAS A TRANS YOUTH. I see the "protect trans kids" t-shirt you wear. I was constantly told by people close to me that I was incredibly kindhearted, only to be told, suddenly told, after I came out I needed to be "a good man." That if I had an issue with that rhetoric I was toxic. I strive to be a good person, regardless of my identity, I always have, but suddenly now as a "trans man" I'm not doing enough. If I squint it looks no different to me than being told being trans is a sin from my own Church Priest. Because that's the only thing that's changed about me.

When I pass? It mostly happens in the dark or in a way when I'm read as a twelve year old effeminate boy. I had someone come up to my friend while we were talking in the dark telling her he "wish he could have me." Within the years I've been out, I've been raped, explicitly because of my gender identity, dealt constantly with "jokes" about hurting me and lots of other shit.

What are you doing about those issues?

Some of y'all need to get so real. Get uncomfortable with cisgender privilege, get uncomfortable acknowledging there are people in your community who are less fortunate than you. And as a disclaimer, I'm not saying these conversations about passing and male privilege aren't worth having. I'm saying they both A, require more nuance, and B as a participant, you need to think about why you're having them. I think they're a shield for some of you to avoid facing something. Maybe it's the non-passing trans men that make you uncomfortable because of your internalized transphobia, maybe it's cisgender privilege, I don't know.

[jesncin]

hi!! would you kindly tell us the comics you used for your passionate defense of martians' gender fuckery?? i would very much like to read more!

Haha sure! J'onn and the Martians are a case of "they're genderqueer coded through science fiction shenanigans but because they don't have the constraints to be Representation they get to be really fun and interesting in a way most Corporate Canon Representation don't get to be". With that, here's the comics I pulled from for queer readings of J'onn and the Martians:

Justice League Infinity Takes place in the DCAU world, where J'onn takes a break from the League to live a quiet life as Amrit Jessawalia. This one's cute, I like it- and the writing feels really intentional that it's meant to be a queer reading of J'onn as it's written very compassionately.

New 52 Martian Manhunter Solo: Epiphany The great Monkey's Paw of J'onn Queer Texts. The New 52 Solo is unintentionally the gayest and genderfunky story of all time for J'onn, at the expense of being extremely convoluted and edgy. It's about J'onn splitting himself into multiple identities to escape death, and all those identities need to unite in order to become J'onn again. This is where J'onn kisses Aquaman, and his heart is represented by a woman. This story is so queer that is spawned this write up on Screen Rant about it.

Martian Manhunter 2019: Identity While this solo is polarizing in the MM community, I still recommend it because it has a lot of merits as a J'onn take. This is written by Steve Orlando, a Jewish bi man who purposefully integrated his Jewish heritage and queer identity into his reimagining of Martian lore. While J'onn isn't technically queer in this story, his narrative is paralleled with that of a bi woman (a cop, barf. Very copaganda run unfortunately), and Martian lore is reimagined as nods to Jewish culture and customs (which is incredibly cool). Martian shapeshifting culture is more thought out in this run, down to Martian pro-creation/pregnancy being a thing both J'onn and his wife M'yri'ah combined do together. This is the most explicitly intentional J'onn queer allegory I've read so far.

JLA 1997 issue 63 This is where the iconic "J'onn identifies as asexual" panel comes from. It's real!! Definitely unintentional representation moment but I think it's funny that this canonized J'onn as "not a cis man" just because the writer wanted to avoid Diana calling out J'onn for being sexist lmao

Carl Lumbly's Interview with Watchtower Database Highly recommend this interview because not only is it rare to hear from Carl Lumbly (the beloved voice actor behind DCAU J'onn) but he speaks in a way that's so profoundly poetic, it's clear J'onn is a character that personally means a lot to him. His headcanon for Martian shapeshifting culture is my favorite of all time, and I love how his take in particular respects the identities J'onn shifts into (maybe I'm making a comic inspired by his take because it's that good). He talks about how he informed J'onn's characterization with his immigrant experience, which I adore as well. My hot take is that Black actors have contributed the most interesting and nuanced takes on J'onn :y

Those are the big holy grail of Queer Martian texts (minus the really cringey transphobic Joan J'onzz story)! The rest is me reading into/projecting onto other Martian characters which is incredibly easy to do when they're a shapeshifter alien species that swap into men and women casually, haha.

[crippleprophet]

Is it okay for people with agoraphobia to look and take some of the advice you have for housebound people on here? I'm not really great at picking up nuance so I'm worried that it'd be crossing some boundary or that it's not the intention of the tag

that’s completely okay, i appreciate your desire to be respectful even though i’m sorry you were concerned! i absolutely consider folks with agoraphobia my comrades + community members and i’d be super honored if anything i’ve shared is helpful (+ am always interested in hearing what that was if you’re comfortable!) the rest of this is not anything you need to answer your question, just thoughts i’ve been having on the subject

i haven’t had the opportunity to talk to enough homebound [due to chronic illness / “physical” reasons] people to know if this is a common experience but for me i’ve noticed that similar to chronic illness often carrying depression with it, since becoming homebound i’ve become terrified of leaving the house.

this is definitely influenced by the fact that it’s untenably painful, my photosensitivity (in the UV sense not the epilepsy sense), the ongoing pandemic, the fact that i only left the house to go to the doctor for over a year & i’m afraid of the doctors appointment itself due to medical trauma, etc etc but like. there’s also the very strong pull of habit – i’m an incredibly obsessive & ritualistic person – and what Goffman refers to as “the relief of self-isolation” for marginalized people sheltering from a hostile society, a phrase i read in undergrad 5 1/2 years ago that’s stuck with me ever since for how profoundly it resonates.

i’m not trying to say these are necessarily your or any other person with agoraphobia’s feelings & experiences, more to illustrate how the liberation of all homebound people & shut-ins & hermits is bound up together; any sanist strategy for oppressing agoraphobes can easily be leveraged against me, not least because as a severely underdiagnosed person, the medical establishment does not think there is any “legitimate” “physical” reason for me to be homebound. to respond to this oppression by arguing it’s inapplicable because i’m not crazy would be untrue + a cruel act of lateral violence.

i’ve been reading a lot of butch/femme history recently (i post about that on my main @campgender; followers age 18+ only please) & have found myself entirely reconfiguring my understanding of the queer art of isolation, the incredible ability of our ancestors to hunker down & survive under circumstances unimaginable to the average person. i absolutely don’t want to deny the deep pain – not only the aspects i experience but also the heightened isolation of people without or before internet access + the ways these circumstances / forms of oppression can foster abuse –

but my god, so many 50s butches didn’t leave their homes during daylight hours for years in order to not be hate crimed for their gender presentation, & that’s the folks who were making it to the bars. so many others – “discreet” couples who didn’t want to risk being outed by engaging in queer community; people assigned female who “passed” as men & their partners; butch sex workers & other people with identities perceived as contradictory or unacceptable – existed marginalized by both queer & normative communities.

every time i think substantially about homeboundedness i always get tracy chapman’s “subcity” stuck in my head. obviously my access to housing period is a huge position of privilege, & i’m in the most economically secure position of my adult life so far; the abjection i experience is nowhere near the scale of people in the position of the speaker of the song, who’s implied to be street homeless. but the line “people say it doesn’t exist ‘cause no one would like to admit that there is a city underground” is such a succinct & accurate depiction of living the kind of life society tries to convince itself is impossible. but there truly is a rich genealogy of homeboundedness especially in queer history.

again i hope some of my posts & such are helpful / resonant! wishing you all the best 💓💓

[naughtybg3confessions]

(Not a confession.) I've been working out submissions for the trans day, and there was also an interesting discussion on the topic on r/okbuddybaldur, and I've been wondering - where do you think the line is drawn between 'naughty confessions' and 'fetishization'? I'm trans (transmasc-leaning NB), I have trans hcs, many of them are smutty, I find them hot, trans people ARE hot! We are! But is there a point where it just becomes fetishistic?

Related, what about stereotyping? Tall, buff transfem Karlach, or slender, pretty transmasc Astarion, for instance (which I genuinely do love, especially together). Questionable if you're ONLY going with the more stereotypical view (ie. 'Shadowheart is small and fem and definitely cis, Karlach is tall and butch and definitely trans'), or questionable at any time?

(Relatedly, this comes up in the discussion on Reddit - someone shared their frustration with always seeing Aylin as trans and Isobel as cis, and shared their frankly incredible trans Isobel headcanon.)

Not at all trying to start Disk Horse or anything, just a trans fan writing up submissions and overthinking things. Have an excellent day!

Well let me start by saying that I'm cis, and not exactly an authority on this subject. I have no magical way of knowing where all our confessions are coming from, but I do have some safeguards in place to reduce harm.

First of all, confessions that fetishize real life groups of people are strictly not allowed in our rules. It's up to my own discernment (and that of our followers) what constitutes that, but generally any use of slurs or reinforcing negative stereotypes is a clear tip off. If someone is making trans folk out to be freaks or fetishizing things about them that belittle their gender identity, that's obviously a no go. But so far, no one has said that. There was one confession sexualizing dysphoria that towed the line for me, but my gut told me the submitter was trans themselves and simply had a humiliation kink. Which they later confirmed!

Not speaking for the fandom at large, but on this blog at least it seems like all the characters are "transed" pretty much equally, from Shadowheart to Halsin. With the exception of Gortash, who seems to get the lion's share of those confessions, but that doesn't ring any alarm bells to me.

I certainly wouldn't want to disallow trans hcs for any particular character. After all, it is a fact of life that some cis women are big and tall, and so are some trans women. Should they be excluded from being found attractive just because of a few bad eggs? But I'm always happy to see more variety, thought, and creativity put into confessions overall. Y'all are certainly encouraged to break the mold around here.

I do my best to use my best judgement in moderating confessions so that everyone feels safe and welcome here. But I'm not perfect, so if anything ever slips through the cracks I won't hesitate to listen to our trans followers, remove the confession and learn from the experience. Should that ever happen, I may ask the anon to clarify their intentions as well, as sometimes people just phrase things unintentionally poorly (Hanlon's razor and all that).

Anyways, I hope that answer was satisfactory, it's an interesting and nuanced topic to be sure. And I bid thee an excellent day as well!

[clown-prince-of-gay]

Happy Pride everyone~~

I drew me and my lovely boyfriend @king-of-vertigo, (I love you honeybee~), We are being gay and transing all your children. Watch out or you're next.

Anyways. Happy Pride to those who celebrate. (And especially happy pride slay queen girlypop month to those who don't) Under the cut I'll have each flag and an explanation of what it means to me~

Likes and reblogs appreciated!! Do not repost!

I would like to preface this with: I am not an expert in all of these identities (despite being a part of them) and my connection to them is hugely shaped by my own experience and interpretation of each label. My only hope with all this is to hopefully make someone feel less alone, (because my god i spent a long time finding some of these labels-)

Aceflux

Aceflux us defined as a person with a fluctuating feeing of sexual attraction to others, I sort of think of it like a dial being turned up and down based on the moment. (there are also romantic and aroace versions of the label I beleive, along with another variation of the flag with a purple/red gradient striping.)

In my own experience that results in differing kinds of days, some where I feel really strong attraction, others where I feel little to none. Sometimes it changes day to day, sometimes its the same for weeks, or it changes throughout the day based on context.

This label was one that took me. An entirely too long time to find. and this is one that feels. right. because I had very flexible and changing feelings and attraction, I knew I could place myself somewhere on the ace spectrum, but not exactly where because it wasn't consistent at all (wowee i wonder why that is because its not like thats the whole thing lmao) and I ended up cycling through so many aspec labels. This is one that I can feel comfortable in, and I'm hoping others resonate with it as well.

Queer

Queer is an umbrella term and very ambiguous identity that can essentially encompass anyone that identifies with it.

So- my sexuality is. incredibly nuanced and complicated when it comes to describing who I find myself romantically, aesthetically, or platonically attracted to (I know there are so many other ways to be attracted to someone, those are just the simplest for me to explain). For example: I can (when allowed by my silly demiromantic ass) be romantically attracted to men and masc (or even non aligned) presenting and identifying people, and I in fact, have a lovely boyfriend whom I love a lot! And as for femme aligned people its more interesting because I don't feel particularly romantically about them, but I can experience aesthetic, or platonic forms of attraction, and Queer is simply a label that I connect with that has the space to encompass all of that.

Demiromantic

Demiromantic is a label that essentially encompasses the idea that an individual doesn't feel romantic attraction to another unless they have an emotional or platonic bond with that person. (there is also an ace and an aroace version, which I think is super neat)

Demiromantic is a label that I personally connect with, be that because I'm naturally incredibly slow to make connections, or maybe connected to the fact that I'm very neurodivergent, (although thats a post for another day-) and feeling comfortable being and feeling romantic about someone is already incredibly rare, and I feel like I need a connection to someone personally until I can feel romantically (I say that like I control when I feel romantic. Its kinda. I dunno I can't control it. this label is just one I felt encompassed it. which is the point.)

Transgender

Transgender is an umbrella term in which someone doesnt connect or identify with the assigned gender given at birth. (I'm very sure I have made it no secret that I am transmasc. We love the transes here)

However. no matter how many labels I find to express and explain my gender being 'masculine' (with several different question marks. I'm a boy in the same way orange soda is the same as a regular orange. same sorta spirit. completely different executions.) above all. I am still trans. and I will always be trans. that's who I am <33

My gender is. an interesting topic. In the way that I have not yet found a label to describe it other than being transmasc. which I know as different to being a trans 'man' in the fact that I didnt transition to be a 'man', not binarily being a man. I bounce between being androgynous and being masculine, but in a way where labels like demigendered/demiboy or boyflux (other labels I've considered) don't seem to fit. because it is in a way where some days I feel more or less masculine to completely genderless. (If anyone can think of a label that fits that- I would love to hear it. I haven't even gotten into My pronoun search. maybe a seperate post on that later.)

[velvetvexations]

I think we need to like place the term socialization on a high shelf until people will learn what it means properly. Like it's just a term to indicate social messages and influences people receive due to traits and perceptions about them and where and how they grow up. There is no one "male socialization" and socialization isn't even something that Is it's something that one Experiences. Like I wouldn't say that I was "socialized female" unless I had to really really dumb down a concept (especially cause due to being fat, possibly noticably queer, having parents very different from my peers, and most importantly to my own interpretation of my life, a "Weird Kid" growing up, I experienced a set of social forces very different from most of my peers, even those who shared my gender-as-assumed-by-adults. Almost as if the concept of socialization is very complex and intersectional 🤔) but I would say I was influenced growing up by the assumption by those around me that because of my body I Should act a certain, gendered way, which has influenced me, but also in some ways that are contradictory to expectations of some mythical "female socialization" that only exists on the broadest scale imaginable.

Socialization is incredibly intersectional and context dependant and is a process that people experience rather than a determined set of traits about a person. A trans woman might have experienced a so called "male socialization" in that people assumed she was a boy and pressured her to act a certain way and develop certain perspectives, but it's just that: a pressure; It has no guaranteed influence on her in any way. Most discourse (terfs misusing sociological terms to be transphobic, and then people attempting to push back against that while still misguidedly arguing within that exact same framework (often ending up transradfemmy(eg. Trans women were socialized female cause every single young trans girl knew things about women were about them and the opposite is true for trans men(disregard nonbinary people entirely) and all trans women are the same in this)) flattens the idea of socialization into this binary all consuming force that affects every person of x identity the exact same and has no nuance ever and everyone will act as if you're attempting to set them on fire for daring to say that there's nuance to the concept and people can have their own interpretations about their experiences with gendered society

I've seen trans women say they feel they experienced male socialization and those that don't feel that. I've seen trans women talk about how their experiences were shaped by attempts to force them into Proper Gender Based On Body Parts (that all people, cis or trans, experience) directly conflicted with their internal sense of self which impacted how they view themselves and their genders. I'm not going to argue with them about their own experiences of gender and society!? Its shitty to act as if it's a net good to try and force people's lived experiences into the box of Correct Theory just to make a point.

Tldr: it bugs me when people use socialization in the most ass backwards ways to try and prove a point when they clearly don't understand what the term is meant to convey: it's a set of social forces that individuals experience on an individual scale. Not a one size defines a person's entire personality prescriptive label that is unchanging throughout life. People just hate nuance

Socialization is always diagnosed in others rather than based in self-reporting about one's experiences. If someone says "I was pressured to be my assigned gender and that affected me in this way" that's obviously a normal trans experience, but socialization as a term exists to explain the way people are, to take a pattern of behavior and say "this is why that person behaves that way". There's no great way to spin that.

[yamayuandadu]

is it acceptable to imagine inanna as butch or is she too femme

This is one of the best asks I got in this blog's long career. So good I'm going to answer it without concern for my long ask queue. I would say you're already approaching Inanna with more nuance than some actual scholarship .

I think if we accept the premise that Inanna counts as, at the very least, a wlw adjacent figure (I'll maintain the case is strong and if Inanna's Descent was about male characters it would be bordering on consensus view) it's perfectly in line with available evidence, if we adjust for ancient Mesopotamian gender roles. Obviously, in absence of actual evidence about wlw identities in ancient Mesopotamia it's hard to deny applying labels like butch and femme without being anachronistic. However, what can be said with certainty is that warlike character, which is incredibly well attested for Inanna, effectively counts as masculine presentation:

(source; if you have access to De Gruyter, it's there in better quality)

I think this paper uses by far the best wording when it comes to this matter. While there is a degree of fluidity to Inanna's gender I do not think it's fair to say it's quite the same as deities like Shaushka or Ninsianna outright having separate feminine and masculine forms (worth noting Gary Beckman referred to them as exhibiting "fluidity of gender" in the 1990s already - that's actually better grasp of gender identity-related matters than some papers I've seen published within last 5 years).

Like you're presumably aware judging from your ask, at the same time many of Inanna's roles were pretty much the epitome of conventional femininity by Mesopotamian standards, though (see ex. this hymn). There are also some which can be safely called exhibits of gender non-confirmity but are not strictly masculine. And, of course, many do not have much to do with gender at all and are simply universal attributes of divinity. Therefore, ultimately it is clear to me that this is the secret true answer to your question:

Ultimately, this quote remains timeless:

[gyokutoll]

Going under the readmore because this is where the heavy stuff is irt Hotaru. I do want to clarify, before I discuss this, that I disagree with the idea of beating your characters with the metaphorical trauma stick to further development. Which is to say, the bad things that happen to Hotaru aren't for my own voyeuristic enjoyment, nor sense of creative sadism. This is all a long-winded way of saying that I have an academic background in gender studies and sociology and Hotaru is a lot of that coming into play. The experiences he has and the things I want convey about living in a larger society are fundamentally inextricable from this idea of the body as a commodity and the body as currency in a capitalistic society, as well as the context of this in an intimacy crisis and what it means to have a business predicated on companionship by the hour.

Anyways, sincerely sorry because I realize a lot of that sounds very pretentious, but I want to make it incredibly clear from the jump that I don't view Hotaru as a Trauma Doll nor want his experiences viewed beneath the lens as narrative tragedy. As horrible as the things he experiences are, the through line of his narrative arc is finding reasons to live despite the suffering inherent.

God, this preamble is so long, but it'll likely touch on this idea that is central to Hotaru: which is what if The Final Girl Trope were a man and what it means for a man to experience what I call "feminine horror", essentially the horror inherit to women in media where they lose autonomy over their bodies. Okaaay I'm done. I realize this was a really long disclaimer but I just wanted to make this clear because I'd hate to be interpreted as the sort of creative who just writes dark themes for the sake of them and doesn't have anything particularly interesting to say beyond, "hey, wouldn't this be fucked up?"

I think for this particular leg of it, I want to discuss Hotaru and exploitation versus his inherent character and how Hotaru really would like to be a bad person, but can't bring himself to be.

Hotaru is someone extremely performative that the line between his base disposition juxtaposed against who he performs as in his day-to-day versus his job results in someone who has a very confused sense of identity.

I want to get this much out of the way that when Hotaru was in medical school, he fell into dating a man named Sadao who was abusive and controlling and Hotaru had intercourse in dubiously consensual circumstances. The line of what Hotaru experienced then is very difficult to say but ultimately follows this: it was still coercion and there were many things Hotaru engaged in because he loved Sadao and didn't think he'd be able to keep him if he didn't "consent" to these interactions.

Hotaru did eventually end up dropping out of medical school, which made him more dependent on Sadao. Hotaru had been attending medical school in Tokyo, which was far from his seaside hometown another island away. Hotaru arrived into a larger city isolated, confused, and desperately looking for companionship and finding it in Sadao, who he'd met at a gay bar.

Once he dropped out of medical school, he was recruited into hosting because he had the looks for it. Or rather, they saw the potential in him. He ultimately agreed because he needed work, but the first host club he found himself in was not a good environment. Red light district work is always dubious in its treatment and regard for its workers, but some follow a higher standard of ethics than others. Unfortunately, due to his desperation, he didn't have the opportunity to discern the nuances of this and fell into an organization that pressured him into sleeping with clients. Hosts, in theory, are not supposed to sleep with their clients, though many will do so for more material gains and customer loyalty, because regulars are a lifeline to a host. A more upscale host club will try to sweep this under the rug and not offer it as a primary service, or even a service at all (though the talents still have things they can do up to their own discretion).

Hotaru, at the time, did not partake in this practice due to his relationship with Sadao. But eventually, Sadao began to see the work as cheating despite Hotaru trying to explain the work was only transitional until he figured something else out. The abuse, without getting into the details which are ultimately unnecessary, culminated into Sadao strangling Hotaru. It was the first time Hotaru felt real terror and was convinced that Sadao was going to kill him. They broke up shortly after, but Sadao was the one who cursed Hotaru to his regenerative immortality.

I think I also want to be very careful in how I convey this, because I feel as if it's very easy to slip into the "abuser bad" style of writing, which is a valid one, but fundamentally without nuance. Sadao is a despicable person and the narrative will never work to justify his abuses against Hotaru. I do eventually want to write a larger analysis of him, but he was also someone who came from a long line of abuses and this resulted in someone who obsessively wanted to monopolize Hotaru and did love him, but ultimately lacked the emotional regulation and structured support to work past these insecurities in a productive way, which then resulted in unacceptable abuse. Hotaru recognized this much in Sadao, and it was partly why he stayed with him for as long as he did because he was seeing Sadao for who he could be rather than who he actually was.

When they broke up, Hotaru ended up throwing himself into a variety of vices that are easy to read between the lines on, including promiscuity and a litany of suicide attempts which ultimately went nowhere. Hotaru continued to be exploited by not only the customers he would sleep with, but his fellow coworkers to which he'd numbly accept their sexual advances. It's not fair to say that Hotaru was ever hypersexual, but rather dissociative and lost investment in himself. He would chase various highs and entangle himself in relationships that ultimately meant very little. Many of these encounters were him mechanically partaking if he had to, or blankly staring at the ceiling until it was over.

Hotaru's body, ultimately, is a commodity and lives against his will. Sadao has put him into a position where he cannot die, even if he'd very much like to. I think one of the cornerstones of horror in regards to women is this idea that their body is not their own. The body houses the vessel of a nascent god, the body is infected with something, the body, the body, the body. The bodies of women are an endless resource and much of their horror revolves around this idea of being violated, or going to be violated, and Hotaru follows this line of reasoning. It is extremely important to not only view Hotaru as just a man, but to view him as the experience of women in horror imposed onto a man and what that means in a world where men are a dominant source of power, what it means to be emasculated in that way.

This is getting extremely conceptual in gender theory and this isn't necessarily the exact term I'd like to use to describe Hotaru, but his archetype is one that's meant to exist outside of conventional gender standards in media and he's something meant to be empathized with outside of the assumed target audience.

I just checked the length of this post so I'll try to rapidly close out my last point in giving all of this context: Hotaru's sense of self is eroded due to the complicated relationship he has with his body and who has used it as well as his work. To summarize his lore further, he did eventually move host clubs and cleaned up his act and doesn't sleep around anymore, but he still has to perform every night for hours on end as SHIRO, and his experiences have made him firmly believe that people are inherently selfish monsters who will use you then throw you away. But more than that, Hotaru identifies these issues as systemic. The clients of hosts tend to be other hostesses. Hotaru identifies these interactions as a cycle of perpetual misery masked by the glittering lights of entertainment.

Due to the way he was used by both men and women, Hotaru does strive to be someone unfriendly when not working. He wants to be someone cruel who can turn a blind eye to the suffering of others and wants to be able to use others as he has been used. Not necessarily in the physical, because he has no interest in that, but rather in the service of making other people feel worthless and stupid. Hotaru also doesn't want to be wanted.

Hotaru does not want to be an object of anyone's desire. It's why he wears sweaters and high collars (among other reasons). It's why he's so consistently covered. He doesn't wear baggy clothes, but he does cover himself in his entirety because he doesn't want his body seen. He does not want to be something to be possessed as he was in the past and is in the evening when clients come to him.

But Hotaru, at his core, is someone very kind and empathetic. He cannot bring himself to meaningfully hurt others. He's good at the illusion of it with insults and attempting to push others away, but when one notices the fact he's very considerate, it's hard to see his actions as anything other than performance and self-preservation. Hotaru is someone who offers his handkerchief to those who needs it and doesn't ask for it back. He's someone who will walk a drunk woman back to her apartment because he understands how dangerous it is. He's someone who is very considerate, in the end, because his mother raised him very lovingly and though he won't admit it, he's terrified of becoming a monster and ultimately disappointing her.

There's a lot more I could have said about Hotaru here but my God. This is so much as it is. Anyways if you read this far.... I love you.

[manstrans]

Hey, I'm a big time fan of your blog and the circle of blogs similar to it. I love the pro-kink stuff, I love the support of transfun and the general concept that you can vibe with whatever gender and identity you want, I love the positivity, I love bringing attention to trans masc issues.

But I've been seeing some alarming dogwhistles lately. And I've been ignoring them because I really really want to just believe that they were unintentional. But with a recent post you reblogged, I have to ask you something - not out of discourse reasons or to paint you a specific way but because I want to decide what type of people I interact with on tumblr. If you decide to answer my question, please be incredibly clear. I'm not going to hide it behind vague terms like "certain kinks" or "problematic media", I am going to also be incredibly clear.

Do you genuinely believe that if we were in a society where fictional child porn and incest was the norm, that it would have no negative effects on our society as a whole? That media does not represent or change our cultural norms, that fiction can not be used as either propaganda nor as a way to help someone see things in a new light (for better or worse)?

Please be straightforward in your response. Even if it's just a yes or no.

that's a tough question. a quick but unnuanced answer is that I know the meanings behind these when I reblog them, and I do so because I agree with their general messages

the longer answer is... if these things were the norm then people would definitely be interacting with it differently than they do now I think. in some ways they already are somewhat normal, schoolgirl costumes and step-family roleplay come to mind.

ideally, in a world where these fantasies are completely normalized so is education on consent and safety. I don't think there's any real uncomplicated answer to it. but in the world we live in now, as long as things are labeled and not put into spaces where they're inappropriate, there's not really as much harm as some people just feeling uncomfortable

even if these things magically disappeared entirely (which they won't, and as someone with OCD I'd rather have them labeled than out in the wild), they still aren't the source of harm

I said it earlier, but I was groomed with the game tetris. under this framework of media causing harm, where do you go from there? it's a game about blocks, should we ban it and legos too for good measure?

sorry for talking so much when you wanted a short answer, but there's so much nuance here and I like explaining context instead of putting just a little bit of my thoughts out

[bradassholemajors]

Wtf Is Shock Treatment’s Deal? (Or, Local Critic Discovers Escapism and Having Fun In The Midst of Late Stage Capitalistic Dread)

Watched Shock Treatment for the first time this week, and I am a changed man lol. Here are some disorganized thoughts:

I think something that makes Rocky Horror so special is that it can be as deep or not-deep as you want it to be. Like, if you want to think about the cultural implications of the themes portrayed (hedonism, gay & trans liberation, gender roles, the Invasion-of-the-Body-snatchers style infiltration of outside queer forces, the downfall of the safety contained within a collective identity), you can absolutely do that! There’s so much to be interpreted there!! But if you are just here to see Tim Curry looking incredibly sexy and violently thrust along to the Time Warp at a midnight showing with a bunch of cool strangers, that is absolutely awesome, too. Slay!! Take what you want.

BUT SHOCK TREATMENT MANNNN??? Shock Treatment is a whole different ballgame lol. Like, it is also a thematically rich goldmine, if you’re willing to squint a little— in terms of content included, not necessarily how it’s portrayed within the narrative. In the words of Barry Bostwick here, “it was a statement about the future that we weren't quite ready to explore. We didn't really even have the mental emotional vocabulary to understand what Richard [O’Brien, the creator] was trying to say.” I think this is spot-fucking-on!!! It’s absolutely frighteningly prescient, especially today in terms of the commodification of mental health. Like, woah. Janet being crowned “Miss Mental Health” felt like such a Gwyneth Paltrow moment. Cultural prophet Richard O’Brien saw the dark cloud of Betterhelp and wellness culture galloping over in the horizon in the distance of the American landscape, and he set out to warn us.

I still don’t quite understand what happened in the movie. I still don’t know what my takeaway was supposed to be. And I guess if you’re a little insane and love having fun doing thematic analysis with weird media (like me), taking Shock Treatment seriously may be right for you, lol. But thematically overall I think it’s safe to say: it’s a lot less coherent than its predecessor. It’s messy. It’s not interested in being flawless. It’s not interested in appealing to an audience. It’s barely interested in being a sequel. Shock Treatment is lowkey pointing and laughing in the face of those who showed up expecting a masterpiece— which admittedly was me, because I take Rocky Horror pretty seriously. (I put off watching Shock Treatment for a while bc I wasn’t sure about how it would affect the Rocky Horror Universe I had in my head.) If not for the internet reviews prepping me, I would have walked in completely expecting another nuanced perfect symphony of a movie to measure up to Rocky Horror’s magic.

But the thing was? Watching Shock Treatment, it ended up I did not really care!!!!! I was having the time of my life!!!!!

(more under the cut whoops)

Wtf was going on!!!!!!!!!!! Who knows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I still don’t quite know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I loved it!!!

This reaction of such joy, just letting myself vibe out made me think because when did I start getting surprised when watching a movie is more pleasurable than not??? Isn’t that the entire point of media??

I think with the modern commodification of media analysis and examining pop culture up close, I’d argue that Fun Media without a message is actually pretty hard to come by— at least in mainstream culture. Even stuff as sanitized as Disney movies are now digging into like generational trauma, appealing to what seems to be a collective search for depth (or at least the appearance of depth.) Modern neo-nazi brands of fascism wields power like never before, horrific images of violence follow everyone left and right. Sometimes it seems like this open secret, that everyone knows there’s this looming darkness at the forefront of our minds at all times.

So this transition from Rocky Horror to Shock Treatment felt actually sort of powerful to me. Rocky Horror’s generation-long reverberations of shamelessly depicting sensual revelry are so powerful; it’s bold even for today! (Of course, we all know transvestite isn’t a term commonly used today, but looking at it through the lens of its time, it becomes clear what a miracle the movie is. Knowing what it must have meant to queer people at the time it became a phenomenon— giving them a real space to be themselves in a hostile world criminalizing who they were, in a time of oppressive pressure to stay silent — that is the type of brave blatant acceptance hard to come by in any era.) Rocky Horror is something I don’t know if will ever happen again, and its sequel seems to concur.

Shock Treatment has been called a cash grab but I beg to differ. If you’ve seen it, no offense: but does this seem marketable to you??? It seems like it’s a Richard O’Brien project (already wacky) that went through several levels of development hell and heavy modifications through the creative process. Said with the utmost respect… it may have got away from them a bit. Put lovingly, Shock Treatment lowkey kinda sucks a little at times. It’s silly, it’s got a huge cast and musical fun galore. It’s serving B-movie realness. I don’t say this to bash on it, I say this with a bemused respect— I think the existence of Shock Treatment is as much a miracle as Rocky Horror (aren’t all creations???)

So in the first iteration, we have advocacy and fighting for freedom for those long silenced… but also, Shock Treatment seems to allow the creators to just let themselves have fun. Aren’t they both revolutions in their own right? Does everything have to be lasting cultural milestones or does our enjoyment matter in the moment? I’d argue we need both as human beings to thrive. It comes back to that Rocky-Horror-experience philosophy I covered where you’re taking what you feel you need most from the media you consume: a message or a celebration of just being here.

In conclusion, sometimes shit doesn’t have to be that deep. More movies should just say “fuck it, we ball” and give you the most absolutely incoherent fun time of your life. I love not taking things seriously, and I love creators willing to not take their work seriously. Perhaps Richard O’Brien also had a premonition with Shock Treatment in the sense of how he just had fun with it! Maybe we need less attempts at masterpieces and more attempts at just creation for the joy of it— or both, because joyful creation makes masterpieces!!! I’d love to see more creators of every skill level and every background, known and not known, say fuck you to capitalism and expectation and marketability and just say, we’re gonna do it anyhow, anyhow!!!

[rabbitsrams]

I see a lot of girl!dad and boy!dad schlatt HCs out and I absolutely love them to bits and pieces!

But what about queer-kid!dad schlatt HCs? Like I see some brief of mentions of the kids being gay and schlatt being supportive of that but not really much else.

Like what if his son is into girly things like barbie, makeup, dresses, and is a little bit more sensitive than your average manly man. He’d ofc be sad that his son isn’t interested in baseball or most/any of his machine stuff, but ultimately he just wants his son to be happy and if that means being somewhat of a girl!dad to his son then so be it!

And he’d do the same thing with his tomboy daughter, but he’d be pretty excited if his daughter’s into baseball and/or his machine stuff.

And if his comes out as queer, I feel he will be incredibly supportive… like to that point of it being embarrassing.

His kid brings home his same-sex or gender nonconforming partner? Be sure that he WILL bring out the gun and do vague threats towards the ‘lucky’ kid. Especially if they’re a guy or a masc leaning kid.

Heartbreak? He will be there for every one, wiping away every tear that pours down his baby’s face. Even if his son’s traditionally masc, he’d still do it because he’s doesn’t want his son to bottle up his feelings like he did when he was younger.

If his kids is somewhere in the aroace kingdom? He’d be supportive of that too, I’d feel that if his kid’s on the more extreme end of the aroace spectrum… he’d be more relieved then anything because that’s one less thing that he’d have to worry about.

Kid’s now somewhere under the trans umbrella? You bet you’re bottom butts that he’s gonna get ANYTHING that his precious angel needs! Wardrobe changes? They’re stocking up on all of the kid’s preferred clothing like it’s the fucking apocalypse! Pronouns changes? Will contently correct oneself until he gets it right! Puberty blockers? Gotcha covered! Hrts? Already on it’s way! Top surgeries? Bottom surgeries? Any other gender-affirming surgeries? It’s scheduled as soon as they turned the legal to do so and as soon as the kid shows interest in surgeries! Not interested in any surgeries or hormones? Still will love his baby no matter what they do.

And if there’s bigotry or bigots out there? He will fight everyone of bigots tooth and nail if it means his kid will be happy (even if it means getting the gun out).

And god forbid his kid, HIS FLESH AND BLOOD!!! Is ever HATE-CRIMED!!! He will rain the fury of a thousand suns upon those idiots who decide to hate-crime HIS BABY!!! If he knew the identities of those unfortunate people… let’s just say he wouldn’t be so civil with those ‘people’…. and they’d probably end up dead in a ditch somewhere.

ya…

Anyways! I said my piece here, so feel free to add anything but I think I’ve went over the most important things. -🍓🫐anon

hey there! wow, this is amazing. so nuanced and i so agree! he'd love his kid no matter what. i loved reading this it was super sweet and captures schlatt's essence so very well. well done nonie <3

i'm not queer (i'm a cishet ally) so i'm not really sure if it's my place to continue on this or speak on queer kids' experiences, but i def want to boost queer voices regarding this topic (or anything related to it too ofc). if any LGBTQ+ writers want to continue this, hit my line! tag me in anything or send me an ask and i can read & boost it <3

but i do wanna add a bit to the girly things son and tomboyish daughter part bc that was my brother and i's experience: we kinda had a mix of everything lmao, i was a bit of a tomboy and he was more sensitive and not rly a "manly man" (gender roles who)

his daughter being super into old video games from his childhood and loving the consoles. schlatt being OVERJOYED and playing with her. she gets better at the game than he does lmfao (i'm just imagining mario kart wii idk why)

if she's more crafty with fixing up cars/machines/etc he'd love to help her out. buys her parts she needs and when she's done he's showing it off to everyone

and like i said before, schlatt 100% would go to all of his daughter's games if she was on a sports team ofc

and if his son wanted to get dolls or other girly toys he'd get it for him in an instant and even play with him!!! (my brother would always play dolls w/ me hehe)

also you teaching him how to do makeup (if u know how ofc) if he wants to learn <33

you and your son doing makeup on schlatt and him looking AMAZING. he's SO proud that his son made him look so good :D

lowkey though gender roles don't exist in this household, as long as the kid is happy then schlatt's happy <3

[fuck-you-showerthoughts]

if you are a woman, you are not a gay guy. your just str8 and like to fetishize gay men. fuck off.

Normally I would just ignore this because it's just so incredibly unoriginal but I just need to make sure..... you guys know there's a difference between someone saying "I'm attracted to men in a queer way while also having a nuanced and feminine gender identity" and 2013 era yelling "ZOMG MY YAOIS" at real gay men right. Like they're pretty distinct

[cardiagf]

Makoto is Makoto

I don't really like engaging into cis or trans character debates especially when it's characters who are gnc/androgynous bc a lot of people especially in twt gets worked up ab these said characters are read as trans, which is completely harmless btw, it just rubs me the wrong way when some people are too insistent about a character being cis

and so I want to talk about makoto and how he is not cis, but is nb/transfem in more ways than just him being a femboy/crossdresser.

Disclaimer: I will be using he/she/they pronouns for makoto in this post just bc i think makoto will be cool with that

and for the record, i finished reading the main series but i have not read the middle school specials, yet.

im also someone who really likes otokonoko and onee characters so yes i am aware of the cultural nuances but this would be just me speaking a queer nb person who loves this series and how i perceive makoto as one

also spoiler warning!

first and foremost, I want to say that gender identity, gender expression and sexuality are all wholly fluid, it's a big spectrum that only you, yourself can figure out. And i think as queer people we're allowed to relate, reflect and see ourselves into the experience and struggles of a fictional character.

while i also don't mind it too much if we think ab how makoto dresses is just her gender expression and that even a cis guy should be able to be feminine and like feminine stuffs with without them being trans / or yk anyone can be gnc but i think as someone who went from being gnc to trans/nb pipeline, it is incredibly hard to not draw a line within queerness or being lgbt with makoto's OWN identity and queerness.

I mean makoto literally uses the "Atashi" 'I' pronoun for themself in which is, by the way, a jp 'I' prn most commonly used by girls when they're dressed as girl while she uses "Boku" when she's not crossdressing

(not to mention both saki and ryuji usually refers to makoto with gender neutral pronouns/referral, with saki always calling him "senpai" and ryuji just having the default gender neutral "Aitsu" pronoun for everyone)

and yeah i know it's also because he's an "otokonoko" but in retrospect, when we read further into the manga we learned that by high school, makoto had transferred to a school that lets them dress however she wants and had been living in said school for ALMOST A YEAR (until he was outed) and he clearly doesn't mind being perceived as a girl.

in fact, as shown in early chapters makoto was so happy when someone made a pass at her because that stranger thought they were a girl and he was so happy when he passed AS a girl.

him being an otokonoko or crossdressing only becomes a problem for them when other people are involved, i.e. when someone confesses to him or when she gets close enough with others, as I believe he sees it as a form of deception/don't want to disappoint them.

either way makoto is makoto, yes this is also a form of expression but i think it's also more of an identity, she doesn't have be locked down by the gender binary

not to mention how makoto hides his true identity to his mom is just something a lot of queer, and especially trans people can really relate to. she literally has to lock a huge part of herself inside a locker when they have to go home bc they cannot be themself in said home, it can clearly be read as someone who is closeted

now onto the spoilers regarding this, makoto coming out properly to his family and most specifically his mom really encapsulated the nb feeling really well

and yes i know she states that "he's a guy who happens to like girly things" (just give him a few years /j) but the point still stands: makoto is makoto. they don't want to live neither as a boy or just a girl. it didn't have to be "one or the other," they chose to be themself and this scene really spoke to me as someone who is nonbinary and how i didn't want to perceive as just my agab...i just want to be myself and i want to be true to myself and that was makoto's answer as well.

i honestly don't want to engage in the debate regarding makoto's gender/gender expression and yes it's canon that he's cis but his own experience and the queer experience especially at her age are just very much parallel to each other.

i know a lot of other trans people will be able to see themselves in makoto and I just don't like how people fight ab androgynous/otokonoko characters being cis only when queer readings regarding these character are completely valid and came from a place that reflects on their own experiences, we can't just lock the fluidity of gender identity of someone in one place, much less for a fictional character. they're queer, they're trans in some way and that is completely okay.

[oliverferrie]

It's Trans Day of Rememberance, time to support your local trans author while they are still alive

I originally put this thread up on blue birb hellsite, but I wanted to make a longer, more nuanced post for Tumblr. TDOR is a heavy day for me, and every time I see the list of names it makes me want to squirrel away and cry. So instead I want to spread around some books by trans authors, to uplift our voices. The books themselves are not necessarily about trans characters (mine is not) but my experience as a trans guy does inform the text, and when I read these other works, I feel a kinship to the author in that regard, however imagined that is.

I'll start, it's me, buy my horrific (seriously, read the content warning) fantasy book about young queers surviving atrocities: SUGAR PEOPLE

Next up: Δάιος, by Andromeda Ruins (@andromedaexists). A heavy anti-establishment retelling of the fall of Icarus that leans heavily into the reality of queer folk as outcast and put at risk by the powers that be. I have yet to finish it but the prose really slaps you with its urgency.

Next up: FEMININ GANGE (Feminine gait), by Molly Øxnevad, a contemporary novel about the trans healthcare system in Norway. It's written in Norwegian (bokmål) but I really hope to see it translated in English one day because it's such an important piece of literature on the state of our centralised transmedical health system here in norway.

Next up, MAO SIN RAUDE KJOLE (Mao's Red Dress), by Jan Elisabeth Lindvik, (also norwegian, nynorsk) a coming of age novel set in the backdrop of the sixties. It's only really available in Norway, and it's another one I hope to see translated someday, but it's worth knowing about, as it's a seminal novel by a trans activist with so many decades of lived experience, as the country slowly changed its views around trans folk.

Next, we have JACK OF THORNS, Book 1 of INHERITANCE by AK Faulkner, a dark urban fantasy featuring messy queers and LOTS of trauma. I had the pleasure of meeting Faulkner at a con earlier this year, and they have got an awesome thing going with the Inheritance universe. I've been enjoying Jack of Thorns a lot, it does not hold back.

Next, it's the astounding FRESHWATER by Akwaeke Emezi, a magical contemporary novel about dissociative experiences and trauma, and how they interplay with culture and growing up. A very intense and beautifully written book that isn't afraid to tackle dissociative identities AND gender identity (something those of us who have both often have to mask for fear of being denied treatment).

AND THEY LIVED... by Stephen Salvatore, a very contemporary YA romance that deals with societal issues around being gay and nonbinary. It's written from the POV of a cringey, hopeful teen, and dances between happily-ever-after romance and a pointed exhumation of incredibly dark things.

Finally, LARK & KASIM START A REVOLUTION by Kacen Callender, a contemporary YA written in a comfortably snappy rhythm, about love, friendship and a social media mishap that spirals out of control.

If you are an author listed here and you want off this list, just let me know! If you are an author and you want ON this list, feel free to reblog and add your stuff.

Otherwise, go forth and support a trans author today! Connect with our stories, real and imagined. Increase empathy and understanding around the world. Maybe TDOR will be a memorial of the past one day, instead of a memorial of the present day.