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theosbaby · 4 months

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brokenhearted

theodore nott x fem!reader

masterlist

summary; theo breaks up with his girlfriend and you comfort him, but things get a little bit heated in the process.

warnings; a bit of angst, heavy make out (this shit is long af), NSFW, some light dirty talk, praising, dry humping, p in v, marking, hair pulling, unprotected sex... that's all, i think. this is kinda a fluffy smut.

author's note; i'm back!! i'm sorry for disappearing for such a long time, i hope this makes up for it ♡ (i don't really like how it turned out, but i hope you do). ps: thank you all so much for still supporting my acc while i was gone! i appreciate it so much.

you had been looking for theodore for some time now; the night had fallen already, and you hadn't heard from him since the day before; he didn't go to class, neither contact you in any way. preoccupied, you headed over the astronomy tower again; you had already looked for him there —like four times during the day— but you decided to try again, after all, it was his favourite place in the entire castle. that time, you actually found him there, sitting with his back against the railings and a cigarette between his lips... classic theo.

when he noticed your presence, he looked up at you and bluntly said, "luna broke up with me." his expression was almost emotionless, but you knew him well enough to know he was hurting deep down.

"what?" you gasped, your brow furrowed, as you walked slowly to take a seat by his side on the floor.

you didn't know what to say or how to act; his admission had taken you by surprise. one part of you —the part of you that was crazy in love him— wanted to scream and cry happy tears at the news, but the other part empathised with him, making you feel his pain.

you hated seeing him suffer.

"yeah, she said it wasn't working out," theo replied.

he took one last drag from his cigarette before blowing out the smoke and tossing it aside as he looked up at the stars, his eyes distant and lost in thought. you kept quiet, not wanting to interrupt him so he could let it all out.

"i guess she's right, though. we never really had anything in common." he chuckled bitterly, shaking his head before talking again, "i don't know why i'm surprised, though. i'm not the most lovable person, am i?"

his eyes met yours, and you could see the pain in them. he was your best friend; you knew damn well the baggage he carried on his shoulders, the trauma his mother's death and his father's neglect had caused on him. theo was not one to get attached to people because of that and every time he lost someone, grief hit him like a truck, even if he didn't let it show. you reached to grab his large hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"hey, that's not true," you told him, your voice softening to try and reassure him, "don't say that."

theo gave you a small smile, his eyes searching yours to try and find comfort in them. he took a deep breath and let it out slowly as his hand squeezed yours back. you could feel the tension emanating from his body, the pain he was trying to hide. then he looked away again, blue eyes dropping to the floor.

"i just... i don't know how to do relationships, you know? i never had any good examples growing up." his voice was quiet as he talked, almost a whisper, like he was telling you his darkest secret and feared someone else could hear him. "my dad... he never loved my mom. he never loved me. and now i feel like i don't know how to be loved, or how to love someone else," he explained, letting out a sigh, his brow furrowed. "i'm sorry. i didn't mean to bring this up..."

"theo..." you muttered, your voice cracking as you cupped his face to force him to look at you, "that's bullshit, alright? listen to me." you stared at him intently as you spoke, gently caressing his cheek, "you're nothing like your father."

theo's eyes remained locked on yours, his gaze searching for any sign of truth in your words. you swore that you saw his eyes fill with tears as he heard you talk, but he quickly blinked them away, not wanting to cry in front of you; crying made him feel vulnerable.

"i needed to hear that," he muttered, leaning into your touch, "thanks."

"want a hug?" you asked, smiling warmly at him.

you both stayed quiet for a few seconds, just staring at each other with an intensity that spoke volumes, and you were so close together that you could see the little freckles that covered his cheeks and nose, painting his skin like constellations painted the starry night sky.

"please," he responded.

you felt him wrapping his strong arms around your slim body and you melted into his embrace, your body heat mingling with his as you felt the tension leaving his muscles. one of your hands rested on his back, rubbing reassuring patterns on in, while the other caressed his soft waves and he sighed contently.

"you always know how to make me feel better," he murmured while pulling away slowly, his eyes filled with gratitude and a faint smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

your eyes dropped to his lips unconsciously, your pulse racing; he noticed your stare and smirked.

"of course," you whispered back, "that's what friends are for."

you wished you could be more than friends, though.

theo watched you as you averted your gaze shyly and he couldn't help but notice how beautiful you looked with the moonlight kissing your pretty face.

"you know," he said quietly, "i've always had this strange feeling about us."

"what feeling?" you asked curiously, chuckling; your cheeks flushed as you looked back at him.

theo took a deep breath before answering, "like we're meant to be together... like i was supposed to meet you and spend my whole life with you." his voice was slightly shaky, as if he was nervous about something.

he looked at you intently, waiting for your reaction.

"well, you ain't getting rid of me anytime soon, so yeah, i guess we're stuck together." you laughed, not understanding what he really meant; you thought he was talking about your friendship.

theo chuckled at your response nervously, shaking his head lightly when he realised you hadn't noticed he was actually trying to confess his feelings; he had always liked you, even though he was dating other girl, he always knew it was you who owned his heart. maybe that was why he couldn't just give luna all the love she deserved.

"i mean... as more than friends," he admitted.

he looked at you intently, searching for a reaction from your part that let him know you felt the same way. his heart was pounding in his chest; that was a big step for him to take.

you couldn't help but smile, anxiously biting your lower lip as you dropped your gaze to the ground.

"your mom used to say that we were going to end up together someday," you whispered with longing.

your smile turned into a sad one as you mentioned her; you knew theo missed her a lot, and to be honest, you missed her too. you turned towards him just to see that he was smiling back at you, but his smile didn't really reach his eyes.

"she always knew what was best for me. i miss her so much." he sighed deeply and tilted his head, resting it against yours. "i only wish she was here."

"she would be so proud of you," you told him, trying to make him feel better.

theo nodded, his voice barely above a whisper as he said, "i really hope so."

he looked at you again and smiled warmly. the air felt intimate and special between the two of you; it was like nothing else mattered but this moment together. and you both knew, you were in love.

"i missed this," you murmured, your eyes dropping to his lips briefly once again.

that time, theo's gaze fell to your lips as well, and you felt your heart pounding in your chest. when theo started dating luna, that intimate conversations with him started getting less frequent, making you drift apart slightly and it had made you realise how much you actually needed him in your life.

"i missed it too," he whispered back, "i missed you."

after a moment of silence, he leaned forward, his lips brushing against yours in a soft, tentative kiss. It caught you off guard, but you returned the kiss, feeling like your soul was about to leave your body as his soft lips caressed yours in such an intimate touch.

but then reality crashed you; you couldn't do it, not when he had just broken up with his girlfriend and he was feeling down, so you put your hand on his chest, reluctantly pulling him away to stop him from kissing you.

"we shouldn't do this..." you shook your head; your faces were so close together that your warm breath hit his face. "you and luna..."

"please," he interrupted you, his voice almost pleading, "make me forget."

"theo, i–" you stuttered.

you were fighting an inner war with yourself; you had been dreaming about that moment for so long, but it didn't felt right to take advantage of the situation like that. you couldn't bear it if he regretted this decision the day after.

he shook his head, as if he could read your mind just looking into your eyes, and cupped your face gently, pulling you closer to him.

"you're everything that's right in my life, sunshine. you're all i need..." he murmured, his voice low and desperate. "you've always been."

your heart melted when you heard him calling you "sunshine". that was the nickname he had given you when you first started being friends; when you asked him why he called you that, he told you that he had picked it because you were the light to his darkness, the only thing that made him truly happy.

you knew theo would never hurt you, that he would prefer to die rather than making you suffer in any way, so any doubt lingering in your mind slowly faded away.

"i'm sorry i didn't have the courage to tell you sooner," he added, his gaze piercing through yours with an intensity that spoke volumes.

"it's better late than never, right?" you whispered, gulping nervously.

you could feel your heart beating in your throat as you stared at him, waiting for him to make a move.

he smirked. "i guess we'll have to make up for the lost time."

and with that, he leaned forward, pressing his lips to yours once more. it was a tender, gentle kiss that started slowly but gradually intensified as his hand slid down towards the small of your back, pressing you closer to his body. time seemed to stand still as you lost yourself in the warmth and comfort of his embrace. you were on cloud nine; lips avidly kissing his and skin prickling wherever he touched you, igniting sparks in your belly. you parted your lips, allowing him to slip his tongue inside your mouth, and you exhaled a sharp breath, whimpering against his lips.

he deepened the kiss, his tongue exploring your mouth with a hunger that mirrored your own. his other hand found its way to your neck, holding you firmly as he continued to devour you with every ounce of passion he possessed. after a few seconds, though, you had to pull away reluctantly to be able to breathe, your chest heaving up and down as you reached up to tangle your fingers in his soft hair, gently caressing it.

he smirked and rested his forehead against yours, his breath hot against your skin. "you're a very good kisser," he murmured, his fingers still running up and down back, leaving a trail of heat in their wake.

he was looking at you with an intensity that made your head spin, your cheeks blushing at the compliment as you smiled back at him.

"you too," you whispered against his lips, unable to resist the urge of leaning in to kiss him once again.

his mouth tasted like mints and cigarettes; it was new, but at the same time, it felt familiar.

you heard him chuckling softly before he returned the kiss, this time slowing things down, as if he wanted to savour every moment he had with you. his hands wandered over your body, memorizing every curve and dip, his touch setting your body on fire. eventually, his fingers found the hem of your shirt, slowly creeping underneath and causing goosebumps to break out on your skin.

your plump lips parted, a shaky breath slipping past them as you felt him caressing your soft flesh ever so delicately, as if he was afraid of breaking you. he took this as an invitation to slide his tongue inside your mouth once again, avidly searching for yours and starting a playful war between the both of you.

you felt his lips forming a smirk against yours, his tongue having apparently won the little play fight it had with yours as he took full control of the kiss. his hand moved down your back, caressing your skin before he gently cupped your ass, squeezing it lightly, which earned him a soft gasp from you. you didn't oppose when he gently pulled at you to bring you closer to his body, making you straddle his lap as he leaned back against the railings.

he finally broke the kiss, letting out a low groan as you settled on top of him. his eyes were dark, and he looked up at you like he wanted to eat you alive. his hands moved to grip your creamy thighs, fingers digging into your skin possessively. you were panting at that point, cheeks flushed and lips swollen from all the kissing, but his breathing was just as ragged as yours, and his heart was beating so fast that he was sure you could hear it if you paid just enough attention to it.

"you're absolutely breathtaking, you know that?" he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

you blushed in response, the smile that appeared in your face impossible to hold in. your small hands cupped his face tenderly, and your thumbs caressed his sharp cheekbones.

"don't say things like that," you muttered, getting all flustered and shy suddenly.

his lips twitched in a amused smile at your reaction, but before he could even say or do anything, your lips were on his again and the feeling was so intense it robbed him of his breath for a moment there.

"i want you so bad," he whispered against your lips, hips bucking up to grind against you unconsciously.

and that's when you felt it. he was hard. the mere discovery had you moaning softly into the kiss, hips grinding down onto his crotch in a desperate attempt to feel him once more as you placed your hands on his chest. good lord, the friction was making his head swim. he groaned in response as he slid his hands up your thighs to grasp at your hips, the need to fuck you coursing through him like a wildfire.

"you're killing me here, sunshine," he muttered, breaking the kiss for a moment before swooping back in for another.

you giggled playfully against his mouth, hips still rocking onto the straining erection in his pants. you weren't thinking straight anymore, your need for him clouding all your rational thoughts; theo was the only thing in your mind in that moment. the feeling was mutual. theo's mind was consumed with wanting you, his hands moving to your ass to encourage your movements, eliciting a whimper from somewhere deep in your throat that sent his head spiralling.

okay, so keeping a semblance of his cool was completely out of the window now.

pulling your lips apart with a loud snap, he growled something that sounded like, "you're a fucking dream."

you responded with a harsh tug at his brown curls, tilting his head back to expose the pale expanse of his neck. you attached your mouth to it greedily, kissing and sucking on his skin as you ground against him, which caused him to literally whimper as he shuddered beneath you.

for god's sake, he did sound pretty whimpering.

meanwhile, you felt one adventurous hand slipping underneath your top and sliding up your belly. theo's hand was on a mission, his fingers tracing along your silky skin before he cupped one of your breasts, gasping at the feel of its weight on his palm. he kneaded it, his other hand reaching up to grip the hem of your shirt while he pushed you away from his neck. he looked up at you, silently asking for permission to undress you.

"it's okay," you whimpered in response, nodding with a little smile on your puffy, red lips.

you knew you were in the middle of the astronomy tower, a public place, but you just couldn't bring yourself to care about it. theo didn't need more encouragement than that, he was already tugging your top over your head, tossing it aside before his eyes feasted on the sight of your naked breasts; his gaze was hungry, devouring every inch of your exposed skin.

"you're so fucking beautiful," he whispered, leaning forward to take one of your nipples into his mouth while his hand pinched and rubbed the other.

"theo," you whined as his tongue flicked your sensitive nub.

your hips resumed their previous movements as you fisted his hair once again; your heart pounded in your chest when you felt his hard cock pressing against your aching pussy, both of your clothes getting in the way as your need grew stronger.

fuck, you were so wet.

his breath was hitching from the friction between your hips, and he tore his lips away from your boob with a desperate moan, his lids falling close, a sheen of sweat already glistening on his brow.

"god damn, fuck me already, would you?"

you couldn't help but chuckle at his desperate plea, leaning forward to kiss his lips once more; it was like you couldn't get enough from him.

you broke the contact after a few seconds, your teeth sinking into his bottom lip to tug at it playfully, then, you asked him, "here?"

his eyes flickered around the tower, barely sparing it a glance before his hungry gaze settled back on you. theo's mind was clouded, his cock aching and his fingers already tugging idly at his zipper.

"the hell if i care..." he mumbled, voice raspy from all the kissing.

you helped him get rid of his clothes, lowering his pants and boxers just enough to free his dick, which sprang against his stomach, long and thick; your mouth watered and now you were eager to have him inside you.

how could a cock be that perfect? not fair.

"fuck, come here."

before you could even process what was happening, you felt his hands gripping the hem of your shorts to tug them down your thighs alongside your panties. you slipped just one leg out of them before he pulled you towards him desperately.

you were completely naked, while he was almost fully dressed, and it was unfair, so you forced him to lift his arms up so you could yank his t-shirt off, exposing his ripped abs. thank you, quidditch.

he pulled you flush against him, skin to skin for the first time today and you both moaned; his hands gripped your hips tightly, fingertips tracing over your bare flesh as he guided you on top of his cock.

"gonna fuck you now, sunshine, you want that?" he asked for your consent, lips peppering kisses all over your collarbone and chest.

"yeah," you mumbled in response, nodding eagerly.

you reached down to wrap your small hand around the base of his shaft, placing the tip against your soaked entrance and lowering yourself onto it. since you both were a little too impatient to do any foreplay, his thick cock sliding inside your tight pussy knocked the air out of your lungs.

theo watched your face, lips parted and panting as you slowly took him inside yourself: he gave a low moan when his cock bottomed out inside you, hands gripping you tightly.

"fuck– baby, so fucking good," he complimented you, whimpering needily.

you stood still for a few moments to get used to his size before you started bouncing up and down on his dick, the delicious drag of his thick cock head against your inner walls making you shiver from pleasure. you gripped his shoulders to try and steady yourself, nails digging into his flesh and leaving bright red marks.

theo grunted, tossing his head back as he felt your walls clutching him. his eyes closed in ecstasy, hands travelling down to grip your ass cheeks and helping you bounce up and down on him a little bit faster.

"shit, baby... so fucking tight," he growled out.

"your cock feels so good," you cried out while dragging your nails down his chest and abs, scratching his skin.

theo hissed as he felt your nails clawing at him. his hands squeezed your ass tighter before he smacked it, groaning. "bad girl... don't scratch."

the slap made you yelp slightly, cheeks flushing red at his words. "wanna mark you up," you confessed, breathlessly, "so everyone knows you're mine."

you stopped bouncing as you felt your legs getting tired, rocking your hips back and forward instead; the new motion made your clit rub against his pelvis, sending pleasure waves down your spine.

theo chuckled, his eyes smouldering. "i am yours, sunshine. always have been."

his hands kept roaming your body, taking in the softness of your skin as he lifted you up just enough to be able to thrust up into you, hard and fast. you grasped at the railings behind him for support, crying out in complete and utter ecstasy as he railed you, hips snapping against yours and creating a wet slapping sound that mingled with your loud moans. your pussy clenched around him, and you felt your belly muscles tightening, signaling your upcoming orgasm. theo's thrusting became more erratic, his breath hitching as he pounded into you, chasing his own release. he grabbed your hair and yanked it back, exposing your neck to him. he leaned in and bit down on the sensitive skin where your shoulder met your neck.

"gonna cum for me like a good girl?" he purred, panting.

"yes, please," you answered between little moans and cries, your voice whiny and agitated.

your eyes rolled back when his hand slid between your legs and his thumb grazed your clit; you trembled in response. it didn't take long for you to reach your peak and when you did, it was with a loud cry.

"that's it, that's my good girl," he cooed at you, fucking you through your climax.

your cunt spasmed around his cock as you came, your juices soaking his shaft. your arms wrapped around his body while you squirmed uncontrollably on top of him, moaning repeatedly in his ear. theo wasn't far behind you, the feeling of your walls clenching around him sending him over the edge. he buried himself deep inside you, whimpering helplessly as he came in your cunt.

you moaned when you felt his hot cum filling you up, pussy still tingling so nicely that you weren't even thinking. "fuck– i love you... i love you so fucking much." it just slipped in the heat of the moment without you realising.

but of course he noticed.

theo's breath caught, his orgasm still rocking through him. he looked at you with a surprised expression, but it quickly melted into a tender smile, a warm sensation flooding his chest.

"i love you too, sunshine."

#♡ ;; theosbaby #slytherin boys #slytherin #hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry #theodore nott #theo nott #theo nott x reader #theo nott smut #theo smut #theodore nott x reader #theodore nott smut #theo nott x y/n #theo nott x you #theodore nott x y/n #theodore nott x you #slytherin boys smut #slytherin smut #slytherin boys x reader #harry potter

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luvvixu · 4 months

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mind over matter pt. 3

synopsis: witness how your marriage was bound to fall apart with you on the front seat and your husband gojo had missed the show—now, he gotta figure out the story on his own.

content: arrange marriage au, angst, husband!gojo, mean!gojo, mention of blood, strong languages, some unsettling scenarios, emotional trauma, read at your own risk

a/n: yooooo, finally an update!! thanks for waiting everyone~ i actually took a small break because my friends and i had a beach outing and that was great!

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you feel like you had the longest dream in your entire life the moment you slowly open your eyes and reveal the white plain ceiling with matching beeping sound coming out from the machine.

it takes a second or two to realize that you're in a hospital.

like a seemingly newborn, your half lidded eyes traveled across the room until it reached the sight of some peculiar white haired male with his face buried on your arm, sleeping uncomfortably while sitting on the cold hard chair.

you could feel your whole body ache when you tried to move some parts of your body to stop it from numbing when you noticed some kind of empty feeling—like something was missing.

it did not take you a while to realize that your stomach feels so empty right now, and you know it's not because you're hungry, but because you couldn't feel your baby anymore.

an anguish screech escapes from your mouth when you realize that the baby isn't part of your body anymore. tears stream like a waterfall as your body automatically sits up and hugs your lower body, specifically your stomach, because you cannot accept the fact that your baby has been taken away from you.

this immediately woken satoru up and started to console you. “hey, hey, y/n! i’m here. i'm here.” his voice was soft and comforting but there's a hint of shakiness due to your sudden outburst.

“satoru, my baby! i can't feel my baby! my baby is gone!” as an upcoming loving mother, it hurts you so bad that you'd rather die than to accept this.

the sound of the machine keeps on loudly pulsating, meaning that your heart rate is rising quickly and it's dangerous for you to get stressed since you just came out from the operation.

“y/n! the baby is fine. our baby is fine. they were being cured by the best doctors so don't worry.” pulling your body close to his, satoru caresses your hair and keeps on murmuring some comforting words to calm you down.

but it seems that his actions were no avail when he saw your lower stomach bleeding. feels like his own blood had disappeared, his pale face becomes more paler when your extreme sadness cry turns to extremely painful cry.

his body seemingly moves on its own and presses the button to call for help while still managing to calm you down.

“where's my baby? g-give me back my baby! satoru, do something!” it pains satoru to see you like this. a whole crying mess who cannot even digest the fact that her baby was in intensive care so they can become better.

suddenly, the door in your room opened, revealing the doctor and their nurse—shoko was there too. they immediately inject you with midazolam to calm you down and it works almost instantly. satoru watches your body go limp as your wound continues to bleed.

satoru and shoko were instructed to wait outside as they transfer you to another room to tend your wounds. after you were scouted to exit the scene, satoru fell on his knees and leaned his back on the wall.

god, what did you do to deserve this kind of thing?

letting out a soft sob, satoru prayed once again—something that he just learned yesterday. he prayed that all of your pain, burden, suffering, and all must disappear because satoru couldn't list any single reason why you must suffer like this.

“you should go back at least for now, gojo. i’ll handle things here while you freshen yourself up.” shoko suggested but satoru just shook his head, refusing to leave your side.

“don't be a fucking stubborn. you still have other things to do, don't forget that.” shoko hissed.

“but i need to be by her side. i need to be there to support her whatever i can.” satoru slowly let himself up and looked shoko straight in the eye.

“do you think she still needs you to be by her side? oh please, not after what you had done.” the doctor rolled her eyes as she toys with the unlit cigarette on her lips.

for some reason, satoru was having a deja vu, it was like they're in her clinic once again and they argue where you heard things that you shouldn't have. as much as satoru would like to shut her down, he's worried that you might hear him say nasty things that he didn't mean to say.

“shoko, please…i know you're mad at me and you wanted to be hostile towards me. i actually don't care if you hurt me or insult me, just not now. i need to stand by her side and i don't need you to tell me what to do.” satoru stood up and his gaze on shoko became hard.

the doctor just tsked and decided to drop the conversation for your sake. there's a whole silence in the atmosphere when satoru suddenly thinks about your little breakdown earlier. you're looking at your child and he is too. he really wants to go to the baby but he thinks it would be better if the two of you are together.

satoru was excited to see his baby, sure. but something inside stirs up something that he personally couldn't explain. was it because he remembers your conversation when he first knew of your pregnancy? that he found himself unable to answer your questions during that night?

but whatever the reasons are, satoru was ultimately willing to ignore it and just focus on becoming a better husband and now a new father towards his child with you.

the strongest sorcerer of his generation, the one and only satoru gojo, the pride of his clan, your husband on papers, your most hated person, your child's father—swore to himself that he will treat his son as his own flesh and blood, not as the heir that will dethrone him from being the pride.

and most of them all, he swore to himself that you will be treated way, way better than everyone, specifically and especially him. satoru will patch up the wounds that he had caused you.

but not all wounds can be treated by a mere bandaid.

an hour had passed and now you're once again in your room, but this time, you're more than calm as you finally understood the situation—thanks to shoko who patiently explains everything to you.

like right now, she's standing by the end of your bed while satoru was on his seat just like the first time you saw him in this hospital. shoko carefully and softly explained what was going on with you and gave you some sort of assurance.

“you suffered from placenta abruption which caused your placenta to detach from the inner walls of your uterus. it unables the baby to receive oxygen and nutrients with the placenta detached. that is why the doctors had no choice but to put you into a cesarean delivery so it can save both of your lives.”

“and about your baby, don't worry, they're in safe hands. currently in the neonatal intensive care unit where the baby is under process of developing it since it came out during your six months of pregnancy and is premature.” she continued.

then, shoko put a hand on your shoulder, slightly massaging it to give you some comfort. “worry not, y/n. we're not going to let anything hurt your baby. they're safe here and are guarded with blessings and restrictions so no other curses or unauthorized people could touch your child.”

all this time shoko speak, your head was hanging low and it seems like you're having a hard time digesting everything. but you still get what she meant by putting you under a cesarean because it's the only way to save you and your baby's life—which you're incredibly grateful for.

“c…can i see my baby?” your tone was quite hushed, probably because you hadn't really talked to anyone after what happened to you.

shoko gently shook her head and gave you an apologetic smile. “i am so sorry, y/n. but you need to rest first and we, the doctors, recommended you to not move too much since it can open up your cesarean stitches once again.”

to everyone’s relief, you nodded at her words, like you agreed to get better first before seeing your child.

“alright, i gotta excuse myself now. i have an appointment later this afternoon.” shoko gives you a smile before sending a knowing gaze at the man beside you, saying ‘you better not forget that you still have other things to do’ look.

“mhm. take care and thank you for helping me during all of this, shoko.” you replied tried to return the same smile but it only reached a have, you just wished she could feel your sincerity towards her.

“i don't accept thank you’s, yet. i can only accept it if i see you in a much better condition. so if you want me to say you're welcome, then get better.” her words make you giggle a little but you take that as a note.

giving you a one last smile and a secretive glare at your husband, she finally left the scene…and that leaves you two, you and your husband. silence engulfs the whole room, only the sound of your beeping monitor keeps on echoing and adds awkwardness to the atmosphere.

you take a small peak at satoru who's looking at an empty space somewhere, looking like he's in a deep thought. you're not sure if you want to talk to him or not, but taking the preceding events from earlier, you see no reason.

on the other hand, satoru was lost in his thoughts because he's trying to construct everything that he needed to say to you. he's kinda bad at impromptu when it comes to you and mostly forgot his points and other subtopics because he's being blinded by the emotions that keeps on distracting him.

satoru also noticed your small gazes towards him and it feels like you're not planning to talk to him first, so he finally initiated a conversation.

“do you feel any pain in your body?” he asked you.

however, it took you a while to answer because you're not sure if your following responses are gonna be normal, sarcastic, or not answering at all. but you choose the first one because the two other choices would most likely put you into stress and makes your healing process becomes slower.

“my tummy hurts but i'm fine…and i'm also hungry.” you replied, that's it.

satoru was glad that you're answering him…well. anyway, he smiled at you and carried on with the conversation. “if the pain gets worse or it causes you discomfort, you must tell me immediately. and about that hunger, we still need to wait at least eight hours for you to eat something heavy. but for now, you can only take liquids and…the doctor said you could eat oatmeal and eggs—maybe we should get that. the doctor also to avoid greasy food and it would take at least six weeks for you to recover, and then…what are the other things he said again?”

while satoru was busy yapping, you slowly think that he's speaking to himself more than he's speaking to you because of how concentrated he looked and it somehow brings some sort of warmth in your chest because he really tries himself to remember all of the things that the doctors had prescribed him for you.

“satoru…” you called out to him, but he's still busy talking about do’s and don'ts and keeps on going while you occasionally call his name.

“satoru.” he's still busy talking.

“...satoru?” yep, still talking.

his yappings are getting too long and you're running out of thin patience, so you hold into his arms and that makes him look at you and stop talking instantly. breathe in relief, you finally stopped him from his own shenanigans.

“i—i’m sorry, i talked too much.” satoru awkwardly chuckles to himself, but you just shrugged it off. “anyway, what is it?” he asked.

“satoru, i was wondering…how did i end up here? all i know is i was in my room, i feel my tummy hurts really bad and it got me so worried about my baby. then all of the sudden, there's blood seeping down on my legs then everything black out.” you said.

“well…” then satoru proceeds into another minutes of yapping about what happened based on what they had said to him back then. you'd understand that yuuji and megumi were planning to cheer you up by a surprise room visit when they smelled blood and that made them instantly realize that something was going on with you. so they called shoko and yaga to break into the room, and there they saw you lying in your own pool of blood.

nodding slowly, the question that was formed because of the preceding events were finally put into the end. “oh, so that's what happened. anyways, do you think yuuji and megumi could be here tomorrow? i wanted to thank them.”

“sure. i’ll come with them tomorrow. but now, let's get you some light foods so you can sleep tonight.” satoru stood up but he froze as his feet were not walking. you watch him turn back to you while you give him a confused look.

“will you be alright being alone for like…five minutes? i’m just gonna be quick and get you some food. i promise i’ll be back before you know it.” you just let him do what he wants and just continue watching him. satoru looked at you for a long seconds, rather seemingly so hesitant. but you told him you'll be fine and just do his thing, so satoru assured you once again that he'll be back then uses his teleportation.

now, you're alone (for a while) in this room. your thoughts wandered towards your baby who you knew is in the same building as yours. you really want to run towards that room where they are located but you forcefully shut yourself because it'll just make things worse. you're still in the process of healing and you want to be at your strongest when you're with your baby.

but something was still arguing inside your head. it's the desire to run towards your child and the desire to get better—

“y/n.”

“shit!”

something—no, someone was suddenly in the room. it was satoru who's pouting at you like a puppy who got lost. his sudden appearance makes the beeping machine beside you go wild as you curse out profanity because you're that shocked.

thankfully, your heart beat becomes normal again and nothing bad happens. but you'll be sure to send out a death glare to your husband who's still pouting.

“what the actual fuck, satoru?! do you want me to die of a heart attack?!” you glared at him, still your hand is at your chest.

“i'm sorry about that. but i cannot bring myself to leave you like that even for a minute.” he said.

“i told you i'll be fine. you don't need to guard me 24/7 anyway, so go and grab or do whatever you want.”

“no!” satoru whined…and that surprises you, because this might be the first time you saw him whine like a child, especially without any involvement of alcohol or sugar to activate this kind of his system. this was just a new sight to you.

“then how are you going to get some food?”

“i’ll just have them deliver it here.”

“seriously? you're going to order and deliver oatmeal and eggs?” your eyes were wide at his crazy idea. like yeah seriously, for an oatmeal and eggs? he could literally get it from a convenience store.

“what? i'm gonna order some food for myself too, you know.” he pouts, again.

“okay, you order your food online. and we'll get mine at a convenience store.”

“what? no! i told you i don't want to leave you alone.”

“then i’ll come with you. we'll go and buy my food together if you're really that worried about leaving me alone.” you said sarcastically.

“what the hell is that suggestion? absolutely not!” satoru gasps. he's so dramatic.

“well then, i’ll just starve!” you huff at him before turning your head away from him.

“i—wait, i'm sorry. i really can't force myself to be away from you. i'm just scared that when i'm gone even for just a minute, s-something might happen again and i’m not there to help you out instantly.” the sad look on his face is back, similar to what he looked like when he confronted you in the hallway.

after hearing his explanation, you turned back to him and said, “there are things that come unexpectedly. you cannot also force yourself to stick with just in case an emergency would occur, you'd be there. for all that i know, you still have other things to do, like you have your priorities.”

“but you're my priority,” he said seriously. well that caught you off guard.

“whatever, just go and get me some food.” you brush it off.

“...”

“...ok.”

the night ended with satoru eating his ordered food happily while you were still glaring at the man because he really stick to his words and ordered your food online instead of just running to a convenience store or buying the hospital once. although, it makes you wonder, how is there a plain, plain! oatmeal and a boiled egg that has been selling online?

well, whatever it is, at least your hunger has lessened and your relationship with satoru has gotten…at least a little better.

[part 4 is up tomorrow! and you know the drill, for those who would like to be added to the taglist , just comment — ©luvvixu2024]

taglists: @mistymuii @kalopsia-flaneur @sherryuki-callmeyuki @aish777 @tttttttf @username23345 @slyhersophia @netyxms @rirk-ke @lvstru @roscptalsaa @labelt-san @shinruo @yaninnaacu @testrella @sad-darksoul @kurookinnie @mountvesuvu @chwesuh-imnida @cole-silas @elernity @buttermilktea11 @berenevenstarzetaestelar @maddie-jayne @yozora7154 @kawaiivillainess98 @jiupark @forourpoets @aishies-stuff @numblytemporary @souyasplushie @hotsauce247 @catarinemirandax @aerithsthingss @h1gh4ru @ssetsuka @jskodn @khoiyyu @the2ndl @veryverysadauthor @vebbiewuzhere @kouyoumarryme @dreamyescapesfromreality @local-mr-frog @haesify @openthenyoor01 @blkmystery @slowlyshycomputer @babybarbs12 @thickemadame @bleppt @leavem3al0n3 @arminloverlol @roscpctals99 @megumisthirdog @shirabane @skepticalleo @sheismaryy @tragicgirl444

a/n: istg guys i'm trying my hardest to get y'all tagged but some really did not appear when i @ your blogs huhu. but don't worry, that won't stop me from tagging y'all, so i am just going to manually mentioned you on every chapter update ;)

#gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x y/n #gojo satoru x you #gojo x reader #jujutsu kaisen #anime #jjk gojo #fanfic #luvvixu

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bluessmutifyplaylist · 6 months

Note

Sebek and fem! Fae reader please? Specifically breeding, maybe the reader can also be his crush or friend??? Idk I've never asked for a request before and English isn't my first language

Warnings: Characters are 18+, 69 position, breeding, Fem!AFAB!Reader who is NOT Yuu and is referred to as Y/N, sex with the intention of pregnancy, unprotected sex, loss of virginity on Sebek’s side (left it ambiguous for reader), switch!Sebek and switch!Reader, marriage proposal at the end

Sebek Zigvolt

It didn’t surprise you to hear that the students with animal characteristics went through heats, ruts, and mating seasons in general. However… you were saddened when you hadn’t received any responses from your friend/crush, Sebek. The only way you received updates about his condition was through Silver.

Now, you were a fae as well, but you did not suffer through a heat or a mating season. You suspect that it’s due to you not having a specific animal characteristic, but instead, you would sync up with any partner you took on. The same thing happened with your mother, so it made sense.

However, you immediately became worried when you were summoned to Headmage Crowley’s office. Lilia and Silver were there as well, and both had rather solemn expressions.

“Is… Is everything alright?” You asked, fidgeting with your fingers.

Lilia stepped closer to you, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder.

“My dear, this is going to be a rather… awkward conversation. I recommend you sit down.” He said, motioning to a chair. You sit down, and Crowley starts speaking.

“Y/N, it appears that Sebek Zigvolt’s rut is getting worse, and it has come to my attention that your mating traditions adapt to a partner.” At the first statement, your eyes widen.

“‘Worse’? What do you mean? Is he alright?” You looked towards Lilia and Silver.

“Sebek has been getting violent. His rut is getting severe, and I fear that he will become even more destructive in his search for a mate. Now, this is where it gets awkward. We know of your feelings for him, and he reciprocates those feelings.” Lilia responded.

Your face feels really hot all of a sudden as you realize where this conversation is headed. How did they know about your feelings for Sebek?

Crowley walks forward and starts speaking. It made you uncomfortable when he was genuinely serious.

“We’re thinking that maybe… it would be a good idea to pair you and Mr. Zigvolt together. Of course, we need to make sure that we have your consent, and if we do not, then we will find a containment unit that can handle him until his rut is over.”

You nod, looking down. You had two decisions: have sex with your friend/crush, or have him locked up. No pressure, right? “One thing before you accept or decline, Y/N… you need to know that Sebek would be mated to you for life. There is no casual-ness in this.” Silver stated. This was the first time you actually saw him fully alert and awake… Props to him.

“...I will.” You state, confident in your decision. You take a deep breath before Lilia and Silver stand, getting ready to lead you to Diasomnia.

~~~~~~~~

Almost immediately upon entering the dormitory, you noticed that the foyer and lounge were empty. It might have been because the other students locked themselves up so as to contain themselves. You eventually stopped in front of a very familiar door… and inside, you heard groans of… pain?

You looked back, and Lilia had a ghost of a smile while Silver was… asleep. It didn’t surprise you, and you rolled your eyes as you entered the room. However, you heard Lilia celebrating the fact that he might have grandchildren to care for soon.

Anyway, you looked and saw that the room was dark and torn apart. The curtains were drawn, but torn, leaving just a little bit of sunlight peeking through into the room. You walked up to the bed, and you noticed that Sebek was entirely nude, and his skin was covered in a sheen of sweat.

The look in his eyes almost looked pained… he was panting heavily. Under his blanket, you could tell that he was pumping his hand up and down his cock. However… there was no evidence of him actually ejaculating.

“Y-Y/N… please… do not make me beg…” His voice is desperate as are his eyes, and suddenly… you started feeling hot. Your heat was starting to come in at full force, and it did not take long until you were unclothed and on top of him, straddling him.

You both were panting as your lips met. Your tongue slipped into his mouth and he let out a moan. After a few seconds, you both pulled away for air.

“Y/N… I… I don’t…” You understood what he meant. He was a virgin… he had no idea what he was doing. You smiled gently as you turned around.

“It’s okay, Seb… just… use your tongue…” You whisper as you are faced with his… holy shit, it was huge. You stuck your tongue out and licked his long, thick member, and you felt Sebek’s grip on your hips tighten as he shuddered.

On his end… he swiped his tongue against your folds… and he was pussy-whipped. You tasted like fucking Heaven. He let out a groan as he immediately started eating you out. You would have thought that he hadn’t eaten anything in years had you been able to even think.

You grind your hips down onto the half-fae’s face before silencing yourself by leaning down to begin to take his length into your mouth. You only got about three inches before you reached your max. However, Sebek didn’t seem to mind. He was getting pleasure just from devouring your pussy.

The second you released all over his face, he felt so proud of himself. His tongue movement wasn’t very experienced, that was for sure… but it was so enthusiastic and eager and passionate that your orgasm took you by surprise.

You tried to turn around, wanting nothing but his dick inside of you, but the second you were about to sink down onto him, he flipped you both over.

“Y/N… this… th-this is your last chance t-to… to tell me to stop…” His voice sounded pained, so you pulled him into a kiss as he positioned his cock… and slid it in. The stretch was absolutely painful, and Sebek paused to allow you to get used to and adjust to his length and girth.

But when you adjusted… you were seeing stars. His rhythm was amateur at best, but his dick was just so big… it reached that special spot inside you without him even trying. Not just that, but the man above you was whimpering against your mouth and tongue.

In… out… in… out… Sweat covered your skin as Sebek quickened his pace, and he pulled away from your lips.

“Please… please let me cum inside you…” He whimpered, and you nodded as you orgasmed for a second time all over his cock. The squelching sound that resulted from his continuing thrusts made you shudder in pleasure.

Soon, you felt warm cum be released inside you, and he let out a groan… but he didn’t stop. You were sensitive… but it felt too good. You felt so full as he pounded his cum back into you. “We’re not going to… stop… until I make… sure… you are carrying…” Sebek said through his groans and growls, and the mere thought of getting pregnant by this man made you so fucking wet. You couldn’t say anything, so you just nodded desperately as you reached your arms around him and dug your nails into his skin.

~~~~~~~~

Hours later, you both eventually surrender to exhaustion. You were trying to catch your breath when you turned to Sebek and you saw… nothing but absolute love in his eyes. “I… I don’t want it to seem as though I only used you to get through my rut, Y/N… I truly do want you to be my wife and the mother of my children… if you will have me,” The look he gave you made your heart flutter.

You smile gently up at him, cupping his face gently as you nod. “I want to be your wife and the mother of your children, Sebek. I want you to be my husband,” You respond.

Sebek reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a ring and placed it on your finger, pressing a kiss to it. “I vow to forever be yours, Y/N. I shall be the husband that I know you deserve. Your life and happiness are my first priorities… even after Waka-sama, before you ask.”

At the last bit, you smiled before you pressed your lips to his, sealing the engagement.

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orshii · 2 months

Text

Crashing Waves and Second Chances

☆ Summary: You’re enjoying a well-deserved vacation with your best friend after finishing college in Greece when you run into Wooyoung, your first love from high school. The unexpected encounter stirs up old feelings and unresolved issues from your past. As Wooyoung tries to explain and make sense of what happened between you, you’re faced with a choice: revisit the past and seek closure, or move forward and see if there’s a new possibility for your relationship. Will you let him explain and explore the chance for a fresh start?

☆ Pairing: Jung Wooyoung x female reader ☆ Genre: fluff, angst, idiots in love ☆ Word count: 6,8 k

☆A/N: Waa this is my first Wooyoung ff and I'm crying. Wooyoung recently is so insane like?? I just love him and he reminded me he also exists next to my two biases :'(( But I'm back in my Wooyoung era again, yess!! And as I want to be in Greece I wrote this story, because I'm going feral staying home. And of course, because it's Greece I needed to include some Greek God references too haha. It is worth reading it till the end cause I kinda died. :D Also sorry for the mistakes I am still learning. Soo enjoy this little drabble hihi!! Byee! (divider)

The slight waves of the turquoise sea crashed along the sandy beach, sparkling from the sun beaming at its highest point. The sound of the waves lured me into a daze as the world's nestled sounds slowly disappeared. The sun burnt my skin like I was in the underworld, the sun being Hades himself, looking at me with hungry, burning eyes. But then a slight chill ran through my body as the summer breeze crawled through my skin, trying to cool down the heat I was feeling. Suddenly I felt like I was in heaven as I walked on the beach, the waves of the cool sea crashing against my foot, the wind blowing through my hair, through my white dress, as the sun slowly went down, creating a breathtakingly beautiful landscape as the sky was full of orange and red colours, the sea copying its beauty, making it look like the sky was never-ending, just as the sea.

Then I heard screaming.

And that was the moment when I opened my eyes quickly as something cold wetted me and I immediately sat up from the sunbed just to realize I was, in fact, next to the sea, but the screaming came from a little kid that just ran next to me and he just needed to get rid of the water dripping from his hair next to me. The next thing I noticed was me being as red as a crab because I fell asleep under the sun. Great, now I'm going to sleep on my back for a weak and look like half-cooked meat. I squinted from the pain as I wanted to stand up to get into the water to cool down at least.

My best friend next to me looked at me through her sunglasses a book in her hands and completely under the umbrella's shadow. She smirked at me enjoying my suffering.

"Thank you for waking me up to not burn into ashes," I said to her ironically as I squinted my eyes at her.

"You looked like you had a good dream, I just couldn't wake you up." He said acting innocent.

"Whatever, I'm going to drown in the sea," I said joking to her as she giggled at that.

"Be careful, you might get dragged down by Poseidon himself." My best friend shouted after me as I was walking towards the shore.

"I wish, dude, I wish." I turned back for a quick moment to say it to her with a smirk.

Then as I hit the water, I felt relieved because the cool water chilled my hot body and mind a little. I quickly went deeper into the sea, diving underwater just to open my eyes and look around the crystal-clear water, where I saw a few little fishes swimming around –actually swimming away from me because they were scared little shits—well I would be too if a shark would swim towards me that is no question.

The water was sparkling around me from the sand that flew upwards from the bottom of the sea, and as the sun beamed through the water it sparkled and I just lived for it, because it was so mesmerizing, I honestly could live as a mermaid, I would volunteer—

I swam around a little, cooling down so I could feel like a human again, I turned on my back and just floated on the water like garbage, pretending I was dead. Meanwhile, I thought about how I was waiting for this moment, to get away from the full-year pressure I was under, with my best friend, as we planned to get away from home for a vacation after we just graduated, leaving the stress and the pressure behind trying to figure out what is going to happen next. We just wanted to enjoy our little time together here and close out the responsibilities that came with us being unemployed as we finished college.

We decided we were going to travel to Greece, which was both of our favorite places on earth, because we felt like this place connected us, and a little piece of our hearts just felt like it was made from the soil of this landscape. We just felt a connection towards it, that pulled us towards this place. And let's not talk about the tell stories of the Gods, each of them beaming a uniqueness that didn't exist on this Earth. And when we finally arrived, we couldn't stop smiling, every stress and uneasiness leaving our souls just to feel a little relieved.

As I walked back to our sunbeds, where my best friend, Bora was sitting, still holding a book in front of her, being lost in the imaginary world, I glanced through the beach and my eyes immediately got caught on people surfing on the big waves of the crystal water, the waves making a tunnel where the professional surfers went through. I immediately got excited, wanting to try it, as I arrived at my best friend with an excited smile.

"People are surfing, look!" I pointed towards the shore, where two surfing tutors were standing, helping people out to try this sport. "And those tutors might be our next catch, just saying." I winked at her, to catch his attention, as she looked towards them with now an interested look. Her face looked like she was thinking, calculating if it was a good decision or not.

"Please?" I interlaced my hands and looked at her with puppy eyes. I always wanted to try out surfing, and this was the perfect occasion. And not for the tutors that I wanted to check closer, not at all—

Bora sighed. "Okay, let's go, surfing seems fun. And the two men there look interesting from the back." She smirked at me as I nodded in agreement as we collected our stuff and wore our flowery beach dresses.

We approached the spot, where the surfing boards with different kinds of designs were stuck into the sand and when I spotted a well-defined back with a tattoo on the nape, that was too familiar to me, I immediately regretted my decision of wanting to learn surfing.

But it was too late because before I could signal somehow to my best friend to turn around, the black-haired one with the tattoo, who wore only black swimming shorts, turned around and his eyes immediately landed on me.

And I just wanted to shout for Poseidon to drag me deep into the sea and make me his slave, because that was better than being here standing in front of my first love that broke my heart, and he didn't even know about it.

Well, he was my high school crush and I was head over heels for him, and he gave me signs that were so questionable, he made my little heart believe he wanted something from me as well. But in the end, he got together with a blonde girl with perfect red lips and a perfect body. So, eventually, I needed to let it go and get over him somehow that felt impossible. I managed to forget him with time as I didn't see him for years. But seeing him now still made my heart beat crazy like we were back in high school. And I hated it.

As he saw us approach, he nudged the person next to him, who had black hair with some blonde stripes in it, and he turned as well just to his eyes start to sparkle with excitement his lips in awe, seeing us. His dimples slightly showed from the smile he beamed at us, wearing light blue swimming shorts, his well-defined body on the sight.

They were standing there, waiting for us to approach, looking at us with different expressions. Song Mingi with pure happiness and Jung Wooyoung with wide eyes.

Jung Wooyoung the black haired and Song Mingi with the oreo hair, we were all classmates along with my bestie, Bora. The four of us were kind of inseparable. But when I started to feel more than friends towards Wooyoung, things got complicated and when we finished high school, we never saw each other. That was why some uneasy feelings swam back to me, when Bora hugged Mingi in excitement, their friendship ending just because both their best friends were fools, it wasn't fair, but this was a best friend's job after all, to be there for your best friend.

Then I just put aside all my thoughts about the past and hugged Mingi with a generous smile, I really missed Mingi, because he was like my brother back in high school. We had been friends since the beginning of school and with time Wooyoung and Bora joined us, but before them, it was just me and Mingi, we could speak about everything and anything, making us inseparable. But after what happened between the four of us it suddenly disappeared, the friendship we built through the years lost like it never existed.

When I hugged Wooyoung it wasn't sincere, I still hated him, for treating me like he did in the past, and it made me want to run away as quickly as possible.

"What are you guys doing here?" Bora asked as she hugged Wooyoung as well.

"We got a summer job here," Mingi spoke up as I avoided Wooyoung's gaze on me, focusing on Mingi only. "We are teaching people surfing and we are on a vacation at the same time, isn't it perfect?" Mingi said with excitement, his eyes shining from how sincere he was with his emotions that were always so obvious if you knew him sincerely.

"I didn't know you were into surfing," I said a little frowning, as I looked at Mingi as Wooyoung's presence still annoyed me.

"Well, we tried it out with Wooyoung for fun, and here we are, aren't we Woo?" He nudged Wooyoung with a smile, who was quiet the whole time, which was very unlike him, he just never shut up back then, and it was weird seeing him staying in silence. When Mingi nudged him a little that was when he caught up on himself and smiled back at Mingi.

"It's a vacation and we even get paid, is it heaven?" Wooyoung said as he chuckled, then looking towards us, well at me, with sharp foxlike eyes that I hated at that moment, but loved back then. "And you girls? On vacation?" He asked staring into my soul as I unwantedly looked through his still-handsome features, the unforgettable mole under his left eye, his wet hair a few strings falling into his eyes, making his gaze more intense, his bare torso on the sight, a new tattoo on his ribs that was a writing in another language.

"Yeah, we graduated and we are celebrating," I said shortly, with a fake smile as I averted my gaze from his handsome face. I hated how he made me lose my mind by only looking at him, after years of not seeing him.

"That's so nice, sometimes I regret that we missed out on college, it could have been wild," Mingi said as he chuckled looking at Wooyoung for a slight moment, who chuckled in agreement, then Mingi looked towards us again. "So did you want to learn how to surf or you just wanted to say hello?" Mingi asked curiously.

"Y/N wanted to try it out," Bora said quickly side-glancing at me with a knowing smile. I am going to kill her, so she can stay in Greece for the rest of her 'not' life.

I looked at her, somehow not too obviously telling her with my eyes that—I did not want to anymore.

Mingi clasped his hands together, "Cool, then you found the perfect men to teach you and it's even free for you girls." Mingi winked at us with a proud smile.

I wanted to back up, but I just couldn't be childish like that, to run away because my high school crush was in front of me years after, I wasn't like that…but I sincerely hated him at that moment.

With that Mingi started to explain the tactics of surfing, and firstly they showed us how to stand on the board on the dry so we would have at least a little knowledge of how to do it on water.

Meanwhile, Mingi taught Bora, next to them Wooyoung and I were standing as he explained to me how to hold the paddle, that beginners needed to use at first. I avoided his eyes in every moment I could. It was awkward and I counted the time so we could say goodbye to them and avoid them for the rest of the trip. But the education lasted a while, because we tried it out on the shallow water as well, sitting on the boards at first with the paddle and the first mission was to stand up, which I was struggling with at first but after countless fallings into the water I finally managed to stand up on the board.

Eventually, I had fun, I really did, because I put aside all my concerning thoughts and how I hated the man in front of me, who just sincerely tried to help me and catch me whenever I fell off the board. My emotions were a mixture of letting go of the past to start over and a mixture of not letting myself fall into his trap again.

But when I fell off the board again—because I celebrated my standing successfully on the board too hard—arms circled my waist to pull me up underwater, just to meet with two sharp eyes gazing at me with a smile, I lost against my own rules. It was just impossible not to fall into his trap when his wet hair fell damp on his forehead, his dimples showing from the curve of his lips, his chocolate brown eyes staring down at me, which looked almost orange from the sun shining at us. I just wanted to get away from him, because my heart started to beat fast, and I didn't want these feelings to eat me alive, it destroyed me and I didn't want that again. And as he smiled at me his face close to mine, where waterdrops fell to his chest, the thoughts of his girlfriend came back to me and that made my heart ache as I just felt overwhelmed by the fact, I nearly fell into his trap again.

So, after separating from him, I swam back to the seashore saying 'That was enough for today.' And I knew I seemed weird in their eyes, I knew my best friend also looked at me with questions in her eyes, but I just wanted to get away from there so I could breathe again normally.

My plan of avoiding them for the rest of the trip, seemed to completely fail because we just bumped into Wooyoung and Mingi every day. And we started to hang out together like in the old times. It was weird at first but after a little, I relaxed a bit and I didn't let my feelings fuck up my well-deserved vacation. So, I started to be there with them, to laugh with them and just enjoy our time together.

One evening, Mingi told us we should celebrate our graduation with some drinks, which seemed the best idea because we hadn't really drunk for our success with Bora, so we agreed immediately.

"So, how's it with Wooyoung?" Bora side-glanced at me while putting lipstick on her thin lips that was a strong red color standing in front of the mirror in our hotel room.

I scoffed at her. "Nothing? You know I sincerely hate him." I started looking at him quite sharply.

She looked at me from the reflection of the mirror as I stood next to my bed, thinking what should I wear. "C'mon, Y/N, it was a long time ago, just enjoy yourself," Bora said, closing the lipstick she used.

"I know, it's just…" I sat down on my bed staring down at my hands. "He still owes me some explanation of what happened in London and with everything, like I'm so confused from day one, Bora, it's insane how I can't forget what happened." I rambled to Bora as she turned around to look at me with concerned eyes.

She came next to me and sat beside me to caress my back. "Yea, it was so fucked-up, that whole trip was a disaster, and you really deserve an explanation of why he did that." She smiled at me genuinely, "And I'm sure Wooyoung wants to talk to you, he wanted to since we met with them, you just avoided him the whole time."

"Yes, because I can't fucking look into his eyes, without my old emotions coming to the surface and I hate it…" I looked into Bora's concerned eyes.

"Well, I think you two should talk, because it looks more complicated than it is." She said as she smiled, her eyes forming crescents.

I scoffed at that. "Just help me pick out an outfit." I leaned down towards my luggage which was a mess just like myself.

"So you could look pretty for Wooyoung?" He nudged me with his elbow, smirking as I hit his upper arm in response.

"I want to look pretty, for myself and not for others."

"Great, you should absolutely wear this," She pulled out a little black dress with a v-line and some ruffles on the end. "It's cute and sexy at the same time." She winked at me.

I rolled my eyes at her and ripped my dress out of her grip annoyed just so I could wear it. When I looked into the mirror as I was wearing the black dress, a confident, cute, and sexy girl stared back at me as Bora said. The dress reached a little above my knees, the v-line leaving my neck empty, so I put on a silver necklace with matching earrings. I left my hair to fall onto my shoulders naturally, the shorter strings of my hair falling into my eyes. As Bora stood next to me to check herself out as well, she looked gorgeous, she was wearing a tight purple dress, highlighting her perfect body line, and her black hair was in a tight bun with some silver earrings and rings. We looked hot and we were ready to gradually celebrate our graduation.

We arrived at the bar next to the pool that was lightened up with a few colorful led, that matched with the lights of the bar that was surrounded with tables and bar stools. It was already close to midnight as we were searching for the boys. Then Bora spotted them and we walked towards them between strange people, who enjoyed the free drinks as well in the perfect night weather.

When I spotted Wooyoung, who was standing next to a table with Mingi, drink already in hand, I just couldn't take my eyes off him, as my heart started to beat fast. He looked so handsome in his black shirt, the last two buttons undone, his sharp collarbones on the sight, paired with black denim shorts, that reached above his knees, his tattoo peaking a little that I just noticed he had, then my eyes landed back to his face, where his hair was wiped back a few strings falling onto his eyes, making his sharp gaze, more intense. His silver earrings hung low from his ears with a few piercings that matched with his silver necklace. He eyed me up and down very obviously with his intense gaze. And I just prayed for Poseidon to kidnap me, because it was hard to keep up, above water.

Mingi was standing next to him, wearing a bright purple shirt with blue denim shorts and a lot of accessories like necklaces, earrings, and a lot of silver rings. And we just needed to laugh because we unintentionally matched with each other, this was our dynamic, and it wasn't the first time.

As we started to drink a few cocktails and some shots the party started, the colorful lights making us disappear into the crowd that surrounded us. I danced with my hands held high jumping to the beat of the music as I felt free after an overwhelming year. The four of us were standing in a circle as we made a few silly dance moves laughing at each other. My eyes met with Wooyoung's a few times, which was a very big mistake because I felt his gaze on me the whole night the tension between us heavier and it made me uncomfortable because all of this was unfair.

So, I decided I needed more drinks and went to the bar counter to ask for a lighter cocktail and sat on the barstool until it got ready, watching the bartender in awe as he made the cocktail with some tricks.

Then suddenly I felt a hand on my waist and a strange black-haired man's face came in front of me. He was wearing a white shirt, unbuttoned his well-defined chest and abs in sight, his shoulders broad and a silver necklace ending with a cross on his popped-up chest, as he was wearing sunglasses, and I frowned.

"Am I blind or the sun is somewhere up above?" I asked the strange man in confusion as the alcohol made me feel woozy as I looked around.

The stranger chuckled at that and lifted the sunglasses to his forehead lifting his hair, making his undercut more visible. His sharp eyes were now on the sight, which reminded me of a cat. "Yes, it's up don't you see it? It's everywhere." He showed around with his hand to the lights that surrounded us and he plopped down to the barstool next to me. He smiled at me as his deep dimples showed and made his face more handsome.

I giggled at his statement and reached for my drink, sipping from it as I looked at the strange man.

"So, what does a pretty girl like you, do here alone drinking?" He leaned closer to my ear so I could understand what he said as the music was too loud.

"I'm with my friends, I just came for a drink." I pointed towards my friends, where my eyes immediately met with Wooyoung's, who was just standing there with folded arms, looking at us with killer eyes. It was my time to shine.

"Are they only your friends?" He asked with a knowing smile.

I just nodded.

The stranger hummed. "I'm Choi San." He leaned closer again and I barely heard what he said. "What's your name, pretty?" He looked deep into my eyes and suddenly I forgot my name.

"It's uh—Park Y/N." Finally, I could somehow stumble my name out as I reached my hand towards his to shake the handsome man's hands. And when he accepted it, he smiled at me and pulled me closer to him so he could whisper into my ear. "Will you dance with me, pretty?"

The alcohol swam around my body making my mind not to think at all, so I accepted his invite and I found myself dancing with a total stranger on my strange vacation where my high school crush shot daggers into the stranger's back.

As we danced along to the music, our bodies flushed together swaying our hips to the rhythm of the music, enjoying ourselves, suddenly we were separated by a hand that belonged to Jung Wooyoung himself, as he glared down at the stranger standing in front of him, they were the same height, but the expression on Wooyoung's face just made the stranger slightly smaller, as Wooyoung mumbled a few words to him that I couldn't expel. I only saw that San lifted his hands in surrender and grabbed Wooyoung's shoulder with one hand mumbling something back that seemed an apology. And with that, the stranger who looked like Ares himself just disappeared. And I looked after him wide-eyed, then at Wooyoung as I scoffed at him and turned around, trying to escape from the torturing crowd.

I felt angry at Wooyoung because what did he even think? Was it normal to send off a stranger that tried to just fucking dance with me? We were back when we were teenagers, back when I didn't understand anything he did, and it made me feel sick of him.

As I got out of the crowd, I just felt Wooyoung was following me with angry steps. And when he reached me, he grabbed my wrist and turned me around to angrily face him.

"Do not fucking run away from me!" He said as he yanked me closer to him, he looked pissed.

"What the hell did you think there?" I said with a sharp expression, trying to free my wrist from his grip, when I succeeded, I folded my arms in front of my chest. "Oh, I'm Jung Wooyoung, I should totally send this dude off, because he is flirting with her, and no one should touch her, only me. Even though I have a girlfriend." I started to ramble my thoughts out, as I gesticulated with my arms stressed.

"What are you talking about? I don't have a girlfriend." His expression changed from angry, to confused.

Words got stuck in my throat for a moment. "What about that blonde girl?" I asked confused.

He sighed, puffing air out of his lungs. "Nothing, she wasn't my girlfriend..."

"Well…it doesn't matter. Let's just leave it." I said as I wanted to turn around.

"No, Y/N!" He grabbed my wrist again turning me around, not letting me go this time. "Stop this stubborn attitude and let's talk!" His voice raised as his face became a little impatient.

"I don't want to talk Wooyoung! We should have, a long time ago, but it's too late now because I'm so sick of your games, I can't do this Woo." I said as my voice became lower, whispering his nickname that I loved so much.

"What games are you talking about?" His grip on my wrist became a little stronger as he held my other hand in his hands pulling me closer to him. "You confuse me just as much as I do you," He whispered it close to my face.

I looked down at our hands, and I was thinking about the fact, of how much my younger self would have liked this situation. At that, my emotions suddenly hit me and I was just too tired for this conversation.

"I'm talking about London…" My voice was barely a whisper, as I still avoided his staring eyes.

He scoffed at that, letting my hands go as he ran his fingers through his raven-black hair in frustration. "London was messed up, we both made mistakes there."

I scoffed. "Yeah, whatever you say," I said giving up.

"No for fuck's sake, don't fucking do this, Y/N! You have no idea how much I had suffered because of you." He grabbed his hair stressed as he looked at me with an emotional expression.

I was too stunned to speak, my heart pumped blood into my ears as I barely heard what he said.

"If you—If you would have told me to stay…back in London, I would've Y/N! But you said nothing and let me go, it was all on you." He said stepping closer to me, his eyes watering.

I shook my head as I stepped back. "You can't fucking say that! You knew I liked you, Wooyoung, haven't I given you enough signs?" I raised my voice at him, losing my patience.

"No, you haven't! Because you were always with that fucker, Yunho and it seemed he was more important than me the whole trip." He lifted his hands shrugging his shoulders with a disappointed look.

I laughed at that, we both acted so childish and it made me feel sick. "You know what?" I stepped closer to him as I lifted my head his face close to mine. "It was a long time ago, let's just forget it. But one last thing." My eyes stared into his sharp eyes. "You can simply fuck off," I said as he looked stunned, and I turned around walking as fast as I could to disappear from there because I had enough of him.

My life was so easy after we finished high school, it was so easy without Wooyoung…too easy. But four years later he had to come into my life when all I wanted to do was to relax a little, but he had to knock on my door and step into my life again. What was the point of it? We did not belong to each other and I learned that a long time ago.

It was 4 a.m. already as I was lying in my bed after I slammed our hotel room's door. My thoughts drowned me as I was just staring up at the white ceiling, Bora nowhere to be seen. I was thinking of the things Wooyoung said and remembered all the things that happened in London.

Well long story short—We travelled to London as a celebration of finishing high school. The things that happened there weren't a big deal thinking about it now, but back then as I was still young, life throwing out into the wild to experience the things that would make me stronger, to experience love and heartbreak at the same time, was unforgettable for a young girl.

It was our second day in London, and we went out to see the nightlife of the city. It was the four of us and a few classmates, who joined us for the night. And yes, Yunho was a good friend of mine and yes, I might happen to be with him a lot. But I was just trying to forget Wooyoung because I knew he did not return my feelings. As we got deeper into the night Wooyoung was by my side all night, holding my hand, and hugging me the whole time, and then the boys made a bet, where Wooyoung needed to kiss me out of the blue. And he did kiss me and he did tell me that he liked me, but I did not know what to do with that information as he was drunk and it might have been part of the bet.

That kiss was the best kiss of my life, it made my feelings grow deeper for him, he made me believe he felt the same, but on that night as we walked back to our hotel I unintentionally eavesdropped and heard that he did not like me it was just a bet. Then the next thing I saw was that he was kissing a girl from our classmates in front of his hotel room. And that broke me into pieces. From then I ignored Wooyoung the whole trip, not wanting to see him. Then thanks to my luck, he needed to go home sooner for some unknown reasons and I did not beg for him to stay, because I simply did not want to see him anymore.

As I was deep in my thoughts I heard the loud ping of my phone, which broke the silent bubble that embraced me. I checked my phone and it was an old group chat that I thought I was never going to see again. It was a group chat that the four of us used back then.

-Mango to 4 makes 1 team- Guys where are u??! We've been searching for u everywhere... Woo-woohoo sent a picture.

As I opened the group chat the picture that Wooyoung sent was of his hands that held a can of beer and the sea, as he was sitting on the beach, I assumed.

Mango Bro, what are you doing? Do you want to die? Woo-woohoo I'm with me, myself and I, we get along a lot. bahahahshbdwef Mango replying to Woo-woohoo Dude are u okay?? Woo-woohoo I wish the water would wash me away to Londonn. Y/n-ooo If you depart now, you might get there by the morning. Borie Guys, are we really stuck in the London situation? Woo-woohoo I don't even know what I did there... Y/n-ooo Breaking my heart? Woo-woohoo ??? Can we talk Y/n? Please... Mango These two should be locked into a dirty cell in the middle of the Pacific Ocean...istg, get your shit together you creatures!!

I sighed as I just realized I couldn't just ignore the things just because he broke my heart years ago, I was too stuck in the past that didn't even make sense.

Then another chat popped up on my screen.

Woonderland sent you a voice message.

"Y/n c'mooon, let's talk, I have no idea what I did in London but I'm sure I can explain…like the night I kissed you was the best kiss of my life and I was so glad the boys made that bet…how could someone so beautiful like you, like me, a boy who was so over himself, I couldn't believe that, I was confused, I was young and I didn't know anything about love…oh my God what am I even saying…I'mma just drown in the sea, see ya, u know like the sea. Hah, that was a nice joke." His voice stumbled the whole time I assumed he was drunk as a skunk. His words did not make much sense. I needed to find him and clear things up.

Y/nnie Where are you?

As I was walking on the beach the waves of the turquoise sea crushed against my foot, the water felt warm against my skin as my foot sank into the soft sand leaving footprints behind me, that the water washed away immediately. The wind blew on my white dress that I changed into, the sun was slowly rising from the other side of the sea, still painting it red and orange, creating a breathtaking view of the sea.

Suddenly I felt peace as my dream popped up in my mind, where I was walking on the beach. It was the same feeling, but it wasn't a dream, there weren't any kids that could wake me up screaming next to me. I was heading towards a drunken Wooyoung that I would've never imagined because if somebody had said to me, I am going to meet with my first love who broke my heart, and I was on my way to forgiving him, I would've laughed at their face in a blink of an eye.

Then I spotted Wooyoung, who was sitting on the seashore his legs pulled up to his chest a can of beer in his hands as he was staring into the infinity of the bluish sea in the twinkle of the sunrise.

As I approached him, I sat down on the soft sand next to him folding my legs under me, and stared in front of me, mimicking Wooyoung. We sat in a comfortable silence then he reached the can towards me that I took and gulped from it, the beer left a bitter taste in my mouth that went down to my stomach, leaving an emptiness on the way.

Then I just couldn't hold back anymore and I tilted my head towards him to look at his sharp side profile, he looked like Aphrodite's son, who got banned from Olympus because he was too reckless. His jawline was as sharp as Mount Olympus, his sharp eyes gazing at the sea where Poseidon was waiting for us, the sun slowly getting up as Hades cursed our blooming connection.

"So, what happened in London, from your point of view?" I broke the comfortable silence that embraced us, breaking the peace to make peace again.

He slowly turned towards me, as his eye with the mole under was now visible, which made him look more like a God. Then he broke the eye contact and stared down at his hands, fiddling with them.

"Well, when we kissed, I told you I liked you. But you did not say anything to that. It made me believe you didn't feel the same as me, so I just gave up…I just simply gave up, because I was an asshole." His voice stumbled as he explained the situation.

"I saw you kissing that girl," I said as I averted my gaze from his face towards the sea.

He looked at me wide-eyed, as he face-palmed himself. "Fuck, I was so stupid…I did kiss her, but only because I wanted to make sure it wasn't just a fling, I wanted to know if I only imagined the sparkle with you…" I felt as if he looked at me, trying to find out what I was thinking. "But then, you ignored me the whole time…which I understand now."

I just hummed. "Can we just forget the past and start over? I'm sick of this push-and-pull game we are playing…we were just two idiots…" I looked up at him with sincere emotions as he was closer than before.

"Two idiots in love?" He beamed a sincere smile at me, as his dimples were showing, making his features more handsome. And we were just staring at each other like we saw each other for the first time. We really did start it with a clean slate.

"You are so beautiful." He whispered with so much emotion in his eyes as he leaned closer to my face his breath warming more my already blushed cheeks.

I giggled at his compliment trying to hide behind my hands.

"Hey, hey, don't you dare to hide from me." He caught my wrist taking them away from my face with a smile.

Suddenly I stood up. "No, no. I'mma just go drown in the sea, I might get a lover there." I started to walk towards the sea with a smile. Then as I looked behind my back all I saw was Wooyoung getting up from the ground and running towards me.

"Not without me." He shouted as he tried to catch me. I screamed from excitement as I was running from him, nearly waking up the whole hotel. When Wooyoung caught me, he lifted me and held me on his shoulders as my head swung towards the ground. I screamed as I saw the world upwards and he started to run towards the sea crashing into the chill waves, wetting us immediately, as he finally took me down deep in the water that reached both our chins. Both of us were laughing as I started to splash him with the surprisingly warm water, our clothes long soaked as we did not care about that. The beach was echoing with splashing water and our sincere laughter, the shore was nearly empty because of the early hour as the sun just had risen, with only a few people lurking around to watch the sunrise.

As I got a little away from Wooyoung in the little splashing war we had created, he suddenly started to swim towards me and when he reached me, he caught my waist underwater, his hands encircling me, holding me strong, then he suddenly brought the both of us underwater, as we were sinking down towards the bottom, slowly opening our eyes to look at each other's mesmerizing features, both of us looking like Poseidon's stunning creatures, with our hairs flowing around us like a crown. The water sparkled around us with the sun shining above us. When we ran out of oxygen, we swam above water, just to Wooyoung pull me up close to his wet body, I naturally wrapped my legs around his waist, as his hands travelled under my thighs holding me close to him. My arms did the same as I was staring into his foxlike eyes, the waterdrops on his features perfectly slipping from his face to be one with the water that embraced us. The shirt that was glued to his skin, made his collarbone and chest peak out, where a black necklace was hanging with a moon. As my eyes found their way to his lips, I couldn't avert my gaze from his perfect red lips, salty waterdrops highlighting the mole on the bottom of his lips. My eyes met his, where desire burned with a passion that came from hell, making him look like Hades and Eros the God of carnal love.

And when his lips met mine as he held me close to him in the blue sea where we were floating like two paper-made ships, I felt like I could drown in the sea, because as his lips moved against mine, I felt like all the Gods kissed me at once, it was passionate and full of lust that made us whole again. My fingers crawled into his wet hair while we kissed pulling at it slightly as he moaned into my lips, at that my tongue found its way into his mouth discovering all the hidden places. When he got his senses back a little his tongue tangled with mine, fighting for dominance, as his hands lifted me a little to find their way on my ass as he pulled me impossibly closer to him, the water splashing between us.

When we separated after an eternity our foreheads met and we stared into each other's eyes with joy, the waking sun beaming at us from above, painting us with colors of yellow and orange that made the both of us look like a God and Goddess that could rule the world together rewarding the good and punishing the bad.

A/N: I might write Bora's and Mingi's stories as well because they aren't just old friends, they also have a complicated story. :PP

(Ateez masterlist)

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sl-ut · 8 months

Text

like real people do

FROM THE RIVER TO THE SEA

pairing: abby anderson x fem!reader

description: abby is one hundred percent, totally, and completely straight. that is, until she meets y/n.

warnings: UNEDITED, swearing, slight hints of nsfw, alcohol consumption, a hint of homophobia? (not really but just in case)

words: 5.9K

date posted: 08/02/24

The years had not been kind to Abby. By the time that she and her friends were celebrating her twenty-first birthday, the woman had suffered many losses; the death of her mother at a young age, her father’s murder a few years back, and most recently, her breakup with Owen. She was quick to discover that the universe was not exactly on her side.

From her perspective, Owen was not just a boyfriend. Of course, he was hardly even that at most times, but he also represented the time in her life where everything was good; Salt Lake City, spending time in the woods with him and her dad, playing stupid little games to pass the time with him, Manny, and Mel…he reminded her of when everything was easier. She sometimes felt guilty for this, considering that she sometimes couldn’t tell whether her emotional attachment to him was because of how much she cared for him or for the impossible standards she’s always held him to.

Seattle represented a new beginning for her and her friends. They were able to find a new community, stay together, and live a semi-normal life that even the Fireflies were unable to offer them. Things were good there, people generally liked her, and she was quickly making her way up the ranks as one of the top WLF soldiers, though there were certainly some downsides. At the WLF compound, she began to see things in a new light; She was able to focus on herself for once, do the things that she wanted and branch out more than before. She was no longer limited to the small world of the few Fireflies who actually made it out of Salt Lake City.

It’s for this reason that she holds herself at least somewhat accountable for how things ended with Owen. Of course, she didn’t blame herself for his infidelity, nor for him choosing to do so with one of her closest friends, but she knew that it was her distance that caused the rift to form between them. She felt betrayed by them, obviously, but as time passed, it seemed clear to her that she was more hurt by the fact that it was her two closest confidants who had caused the pain, not the fact that Owen and Mel had been sleeping together for months before she and Owen called it quits.

Her saving grace during this period of her life came in the form of someone she would later consider her best friend, despite how offended Manny gets each time she calls her that. Her first interaction with Y/n was the moment that she knew she needed to have her in her life, one way or another.

She hadn’t noticed her right away, but who would? Amidst the thunderous crowd of the cafeteria just before lunch, it would be nearly impossible to notice anyone who she wasn’t directly looking for, which in a way, is how Abby noticed her to begin with. Manny was actually the one to sniff her out first, as he so often did with pretty girls, his midnight black hair standing out against the white fluorescent lighting. She beelined for him, an annoyed expression crossing her features as she figured out the reason why he’d been late for patrol.

“Manny!” She barked, “How many times do I have to drag your ass to the gate before you actually show up on ti–”

Her attention was immediately caught by the figure sitting across the table from him, eyes falling on a young woman with a look of shock on her face, clearly concerned by the large woman who’d nearly pulled Manny out of his seat with only one hand.

“Abby!” He greeted, doing his best to brush it off, “I was just on my way to meet you when I got distracted by this one,” He winked at the girl with a laugh, “Don’t blame me, it’s entirely her fault. Cierto, hermosa?”

Every engorged muscle in Abby’s body had to hold her back from physically gagging at his obnoxious charm, but she was a bit relieved to see that the girl did not seem to be falling for it so easily.

“Whatever,” the blonde shook her head, trying to suppress any of the nerves that seemed to have wormed their way into her bloodstream under the girl’s stare, “We’re late, and I’m not taking anymore shit from Isaac over you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” He shrugged, slinging his backpack over his shoulder as he began to head towards the door, offering a short goodbye to the girl before jogging to catch up with the blonde, who’d sped off in an attempt to get herself away from the girl.

“Cute, right?” He asked, a knowing smirk on his lips.

She shrugged, “Yeah, your standards seem to be on the rise, finally. What ever happened to the medic–what was her name again? Ginger?”

“Me and Y/n? In my dreams, sure,” He stared at her with a raised brow, “I’m not exactly…her type.”

Something clicked in her mind, and made the twisting feeling in her gut worsen. Goosebumps prickled at her skin as she thought back on the roaming stare of the girl in the cafeteria–Y/n, as Manny had called her. Had she been checking Abby out? And why did that idea excite her so much?

“Oh,” she hummed.

“You, however… you definitely were. Did you see the way she was looking at you? Like she wanted you to–”

“Shut up, would you?” She sneered, “I’m not–that’s not–”

“I know,” he sighed, though a knowing look crossed his features, “I know.”

A few days had passed before Abby had run into Y/n again, only this time, it was a much more pleasant interaction. Abby had been spending a lot of time in the library, especially since her breakup with Owen and even ended up sleeping there some nights when Manny took the liberty of reserving the room for himself and whatever girl he was dating at the time. She found some peace there, burying her nose into random books from before the outbreak and pretending that, for just a few minutes, she isn’t just the top scar killer in the WLF. There was hardly ever anyone else there, which was a definite plus; She still had a long way to go before she’d be used to all the attention she gets around the arena. This day in particular. though, someone else occupied her usual seat in the furthest corner, by the window.

She jumped in surprise at the sight of another person in her place, holding her palm to her chest to hold in any noise that may have emitted from her throat. The girl raised her head to look over the thick spine of the hardcover book she was reading, surprise evident on her own face as well.

“Sorry,” Abby choked out, “I just wasn’t expecting…I’m usually the only one here.”

“Oh,” Y/n sat up straighter, laying her book page-down on the table in front of her, “Yeah, I usually take the book back to my room, but my roommate is a little…busy at the moment.”

Abby snorted, “I get what you mean. Mine too.”

There was a beat of silence before Y/n chimed in again, “What are you reading?”

Abby glanced down at the book in her hand, eyes scanning over the faded words on the cover. She actually hadn’t known what book she’d taken off the shelf, just slowly making her way through every book in the library, “Uh, Jane Air–Eyre. First one I grabbed.”

“That’s a good one,” Y/n nodded, “One of the classics, I think they used to call them.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Abby mentally kicked herself, of course she would completely blank in front of the girl she’d been thinking about all week (but she was still, totally not into her). “Uh, what about you?”

Y/n smiled, “A Complete History of the Western World. Call me nostalgic, but I like learning about how things were before.”

“Me too,” Abby smiles, “In a way, it’s kinda comforting to see that this isn’t how things always were, you know?”

Y/n grinned, which quickly turned into a frown, “Sorry, I didn’t even…I’m Y/n.”

Abby smiled tightly, cheeks burning red as she reached forward to accept the hand offered to her, “I’m–”

“Abby,” Y/n smiled bashfully, “I know. You’re Manny’s friend, and sort of a big deal around here.”

Abby shrugged, the red of her cheeks now stretching to reach the tips of her ears, “Yeah, that’s what everyone seems to say. Not sure if I really live up to that expectation, though.”

Y/n chuckled before glancing down at her cracked wrist watch, a wrinkle appearing between her eyebrows as she closed her book and stood up from her seat, “Sorry, not trying to run away from you or anything, just lost track of time. Talk to you later, Abby.”

The next few weeks passed with several more interactions between the pair, and Abby would actually consider Y/n to be a friend. They could often be found in the library together, or grabbing a bite to eat with one another and sometimes a few others. Manny often grumbled about Abby swooping in and stealing his friends, but he always seemed to be more than happy to see the two of them together. That strange feeling did not disappear, though, like Abby thought it would. In fact, it got considerably worse.

Instead of having a little bit of nerves around her, Abby was struggling to keep herself from constantly pulling her into her lap, or reaching out to hold her hand across the table, or to tell her how deeply in love with her she wa–except Abby is straight. She likes guys. She dated Owen, and she was deeply hurt by his betrayal, right?

That’s what she told herself. Each longing to touch Y/n was just her own loneliness talking, every time she wanted to be held, it was her basic human need for affection, not because she was romantically or sexually interested in another woman. In fact, she had a little bit of a crush on one of the guys she went on patrol with the other day, or so she told Y/n. She made an effort to make it abundantly clear to the girl that there would be no romantic relationship between them, and was relieved when Y/n didn’t seem to put off by it. She continued to hang out with her, and to invite her to different social events around the arena.

This one was different, though. Abby went, fully intending to spend the night by Y/n’s side, people watching and making fun of Manny as he struck out time and time again. She had arrived to the party with Nora, a bit of pep in her step as she slid into the common area, face falling as she immediately took notice of Y/n on the couch across the room, a soft smile on her face as she listened intently to whatever the girl next to her was saying, her arm curled loosely around Y/n’s shoulders.

Abby felt sick, almost giving in to the instinct to turn and run, and she is positive that if it hadn’t been for Nora being right behind her, she probably would have. She hesitantly stepped further into the room, glancing around awkwardly in hopes of finding someone to hide her from Y/n before she could catch her attention, though it only took a moment’s glance for Y/n to turn her head and shout, waving both Abby and Nora over to where she and the other girl were sitting.

The girl’s name was Samyah, and Abby decided on the spot that she hated her. She hated the way that she talked, the way she dressed, they way she smelled, the way that Y/n looked at her, and most of all, she hated the way that she held Y/n’s hand as she led her out of the common room, hooded eyes making it clear what was about to happen. But it didn’t really matter, because Abby is straight and this wasn’t going to last anymore than one night.

Except it did. Weeks later, Samyah was still very present in Y/n’s life. Abby cringed every time she had to witness them kiss, or touch each other in any way beyond what could be considered platonic. She prayed every night that something would happen, that Samyah would cheat or die out on patrol, anything to have her away from Y/n for more than a few hours at a time, but when it really happened, she couldn’t help but fear that she may have willed it into existence–Abby wasn’t a religious person, but this seemed to be a bit too on the nose for it to not have been divine intervention.

Y/n and Samyah had been hooking up for a few weeks when Y/n turned up at Abby’s room, cheeks glossy with tear stains and eyes burning red. Abby was quick to take her into her arms, ignoring the selfish part of her that was singing at the mere contact. She held her tightly, sitting her down on the edge of her bed and stroking the back of her head soothingly, waiting for her to tell her what had happened.

“Let me know when you’re ready to talk,” She had whispered into her hair before pressing a firm kiss there.

It was less than a moment later when a sharp sniff could be heard and Y/n’s watery voice began to retell what had taken place earlier that evening.

“Samyah has a boyfriend, apparently,” She wept, “She told me she isn’t gay, she just wanted to see what it was like.”

Abby’s entire body burned hot with anger, and then with embarrassment. What would Y/n think if she were to tell her that she’d been wondering the same thing? How would she be able to move forward knowing fully-well that she was no different from Samyah, someone who she had been condemning over the way that she treated Y/n?

But was it the same? Was it really? Since she had met Y/n, she hadn’t even glanced twice at Owen, let alone any other man. She was all she could think about, day and night, and yet she still couldn’t seem to come to terms with the fact her feelings for her might have been more than platonic. It wasn’t as if she were too ashamed or was actually against the idea of her dating another woman, she was just confused as to why these feelings hadn’t come up before. Sure, there were times where she thought Mel was the prettiest girl she’d ever seen, but that was back when there weren’t many other girls around (and she wasn’t screwing her Abby’s boyfriend), and there was once where she’d had a rather promiscuous dream about Nora, but nothing had ever evolved further than that.

These thoughts started to keep her up at night. She liked Y/n, she really did, but was it worth risking her friendship only for Abby to decide that she wasn’t gay at all? What if she was just curious? It was normal for people her age to be interested in exploring these things, only she was sort of stuck in a situation where she was unable to. She couldn’t go to Y/n for help with this, that much was blatantly obvious, but what about someone else? She tried to think of other girls she could go to for help, but there was no one who she could immediately think of that she could go to without also risking her friendship with Y/n; she’d been insistent early on in their friendship that she was not interested in women at all, especially when Y/n made it clear that she most certainly was, and more precisely, in Abby, so what would she think if she found out that Abby had slept with another woman after insisting that she wasn’t interested? That might be more dangerous than going to her for help.

It was getting harder to ignore, as well. Y/n was increasingly dependant on Abby for comfort for weeks after she ended things with Samyah, not that Abby minded, but it was growing more difficult not to hold her to her chest as they share a pillow every night, to not reach out and take her hand every time they walk side-by side, to not push her onto the bed every time she undresses in front of her, to pin her down and–

Then Y/n moved on. She was still quite upset, but she had decided that she wasn’t going to spend any more time dwelling on someone who obviously did not care about her, so she met Reagan. Abby didn’t hate Reagan the same way that she had with Samyah, she clearly liked Y/n and treated her as well as she could, considering that they were in the middle of the apocalypse. She was funny, and she fit in with the rest of their friends better than Abby would have liked; she wanted to hate her so much, but the only reason she could think of was purely out of selfishness, that being the fact that Y/n spending time with Reagan meant that she was not spending time with Abby, and after a few weeks of near constant contact with one another, Abby was sure she was going through withdrawals.

It all came to a head when Manny demanded that she take some time off of patrol. With Reagan always around, she had taken it upon herself to start accepting extra duties to avoid having to spend time with the group, and more specifically, Y/n. He’d made some arrangements and assigned someone else to her shift without even telling her, and all but dragged her down the hall and into the rec room. Y/n and Reagan had yet to arrive, but Abby knew that, if she was going to be forced to sit and watch Reagan practically hang off of the girl that she was probably in love with, she was gonna need a drink.

Abby wasn’t normally a big drinker. In her early days in the WLF, there had been a few times where she’d had more than she probably needed, but it also meant that she didn’t necessarily have the highest tolerance, especially with Manny being the one mixing her drinks. He’d been more than excited when Abby went for her second drink, and decided that they needed to go drink for drink with one another. Needless to say, by the time Y/n arrived, Abby was drunk.

“Abs!” The voice sounded excited as they curled their arms around Abby’s neck from behind, leaning over the back of the sofa she was sitting on to hug her warmly, “I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

It almost felt like time had stopped the moment her eyes landed on Y/n, admiring the glint of the dim lights on her clean skin. Her hair was still damp, she’d just showered before coming to the party, and Abby couldn’t help but wish she’d also done so by the pooling of sweat on her forehead and palms. She leaned her head back against her shoulder, turning to glide her nose against her neck in a much more affectionate manner than she would have if she had been sober.

“Hi,” She mumbled, “You smell good.”

“It’s the lotion we found on patrol a few weeks ago,” Y/n laughed, “And you’re drunk.”

Abby shrugged, “No, just a little tipsy.”

Nora scoffed out a laugh as she plopped down on the armchair next to her, “Tipsy? Please, she’s been letting Manny mix her drinks all night.”

Y/n pulled away, leaving Abby to let out a small whine of defeat, “Uh oh. Something must be wrong to have you drinking Manny’s concoctions.”

“Hey!” The latino appeared seemingly out of thin air, “You’ve just lost yourself drink privileges.”

She raised her hands in surrender, “Not the threat you think it is, pendejo.”

Y/n threw herself onto the couch next to Abby, settling close enough for their arms to press against one another and sending Abby into what she assumed could only be early heart failure.

“Seriously though, where’ve you been?”

The blonde shrugged once more, “Busy, I guess. Lots of patrols needed to be covered.”

“So you covered…all of them?”

Abby was quiet for a moment, then quickly changed the subject, “Where’s Reagan? Aren’t you two basically attached at the hip or something?”

The smile on Y/n’s face flickered for a beat, and Abby immediately felt a pang of guilt squeeze at her stomach and regret filled her for hurling such a harsh tone at her.

“Something came up,” Y/n turned her gaze to her interlocked fingers in her lap, “She’s not gonna make it.”

Abby recognized a familiar sadness in her voice, one that she had hoped to never hear again, so she dropped the topic and instead found herself falling into a conversation similar to one they would have had before Reagan came into the picture. Things felt right again, especially as Y/n’s hand grasped onto her thick bicep everytime she laughed, and she didn’t push her hand away when she reached over and rested it on her knee–that had to mean something, right?

After Abby finished her fifth drink, things began to get too fuzzy for her to handle, her head dropping back onto the back of the couch with a grunt, her eyes squinting shut in a weak attempt to refocus herself. Y/n glanced up at her, concern painting her features as she reached a hand up to stroke Abby’s flushed cheek.

“You feeling okay?”

Abby grunted in response, leaning her cheek even further into her hand.

Y/n chuckled at her, pulling herself away to stand up and taking hold of Abby’s hand. The blonde’s eyes popped open at the contact, staring up at the girl with hooded eyes as she attempted to pull her to her feet. Abby pushed herself up, forcing her entire body weight into Y/n’s figure faster than she could have anticipated, almost knocking them both to the floor.

“Woah, steady girl,” Y/n laughed, slinging one of her arms over her shoulder, “I think it’s time to get you to bed, don’t you think?”

Abby nodded sleepily, allowing her to pull her along down the hallway, thankfully not having to climb any stairs to Abby’s room with the girl who was 95% muscle on her back. She was able to get her into the room and seated on her mattress with very little trouble–Abby was very compliant with every order that came out of her mouth.

She sat back, allowing her to wipe a wet cloth over her face gently, her eyes struggling to stay open even though she was eager to see her face up close and personal once more.

“Can I ask you something?” She murmured quietly, using every ounce of her strength to keep herself from moaning under Y/n’s touch.

“Of course.”

She paused for a moment, almost like she was thinking it over, though she had no control over the words that spilled out of her mouth, “Do you think I’m pretty?”

Y/n stopped her movements, causing Abby’s eyes to shoot open and fall on the grinning face before her. She laughed softly, then louder until her laughter filled the room and bounced off of the walls.

“Sorry, sorry,” she lifted a hand to cover her mouth to contain her giggles, “That’s just not what I was expecting. But,” Y/n reached around and tugged the elastic out of Abby’s blonde hair, carefully untwisting the braid until her long hair settled around her shoulders, “I think you are very pretty.”

She smiled, mumbling out a quiet thank you.

“I have another question.”

“I think it’s only fair that I get to ask you one first.”

Abby raised her eyebrows, but was quick to nod in agreement.

Y/n leaned back against the footboard of Abby’s bed, setting the cloth aside, “Why’ve you been ignoring me lately?”

“I’m not–” the blonde argued, pausing to compose herself, “I’m not ignoring you. I’m talking to you right now, aren’t I?”

“Abby.”

The blonde girl winced at her stern tone, wary of meeting her gaze, “Look, it’s not like I don’t wanna be around you, it’s just…”

Don’t say it, her very sober subconscious was pleading with her, please.

Her drunk mouth didn’t listen, “Reagan.”

“Reagan?” Y/n frowned, “What about her?”

A small smile appeared on Abby’s lips, “Nuh-uh, it’s my turn.”

Y/n scoffed, rolling her eyes in annoyance, but urging her to ask nonetheless.

“Do you love her?”

“Do I–Abby, why are you asking me this?”

Her bashful eyes fell to her lap, “I think you know why.”

“No, Abby I don’t–”

Her words were silenced, a hum of shock vibrating through her throat as Abby lurched forward, lips pressing sloppily against her own. Y/n froze, neither pulling away nor reciprocating, just remaining in place until Abby pulled away for air.

Abby smiled, resting her forehead against Y/n’s softly. She was drunk, yes, but she had never felt more sober and in-tune with her own feelings as she was then, just after kissing the girl she was so hopelessly in love with for the very first time.

The spell she was under broke the moment her eyelids fluttered open, allowing her to spot the hooded stare and tear-stained cheeks of the girl in front of her.

“Y/n? What’s–”

“You’re drunk, Abby,” she scowled, pushing herself away, “You should go to bed.”

“What? I just–No, please don’t go.”

Y/n turned to face her sharply, “Why? So you can use me for your own pleasure and then kick me to the curb?”

“What?”

“I mean–Jesus, Abby. You were there after Samyah. You were the one who told me she was such a bitch, that I deserved better, but you’re doing the same goddamn thing. Worst of all, you know how I feel about you, but you made it very clear to me that you didn’t feel the same, so I backed off.”

“I love you,” She stammered out, “I-I’m in love with you.”

Y/n laughed bitterly, shaking her head.

“Please,” Abby, fell to the floor as she tried to push her body off of the bed, “I’m telling you the truth. I-I didn’t know before, but I do now.”

Y/n sighed deeply, pinching the bridge of her nose to collect herself, turning to face her once more before fleeing the room, “Go to bed, Abby. We’ll talk tomorrow.”

Except they didn’t talk the next day. Or the one after that. Abby basically avoided Y/n like the plague after doing what she did. How could she? Everything that Y/n had said to her was true, she’d known it for weeks. Hell, it was the exact reason why she hadn’t made a move on her sooner.

She knew she couldn’t escape her forever, though. The WLF stadium was pretty big, but they would both be living there for the rest of their (hopefully long) lives and would be bound to run into each other at some point in that time. She was also already in a fairly deep state of depression because of what had happened between the two of them, but also because of how much she just missed having her around.

Which is why she found herself outside Y/n’s bedroom door after returning from a particularly risky patrol that had ended in only four of them returning from a group of seven. Abby was shaky as she made her way back inside the compound, her muscles screaming with every step and her body begging her for a shower and a long sleep, but her feet mindlessly carried her in the opposite direction of her own room. Her fist rapped against the thin wood before she could even process it, but she couldn’t run away now, not when she’d been pinned under a scar only an hour ago with a knife to her throat.

Y/n looked a bit dishevelled as she opened the door, and Abby immediately thought the worst; had she really just shown up at her door at night? What if Reagan was in there? What had Y/n been doing in there when she knocked? Had Abby really interrupted her having sex with someone else?

But the lazy yawn that escaped her puffy lips forced Abby to realise that, no, she hadn’t interrupted her with someone else, she’d woken her up, which somehow made her feel worse.

“Abby?”

“Sorry, uh, is this a bad time?” She shifted her weight back and forth nervously.

“No, I was just–no, it’s not,” Y/n crossed her arms over her chest, “You’ve been avoiding me. Again.”

“I know,” Abby frowned, “I’m sorry. For everything. You have every right to be mad at me–fuck, you have every right to never wanna talk to me again, but I just have to let you know how sorry I am and how much you mean to me.”

Y/n shifted her gaze to the floor for a moment before nodding, glancing back up at Abby and stepping back to open the door wider, “Wanna come in?”

Abby nodded eagerly, stepping inside with caution. She glanced around, taking in the small changes that had been made since she’d last been here. Y/n bedroom was, well, hardly even a bedroom. It was about the size of a large broom closet, just enough room to jam two twin beds and two small dressers inside, though she and her roommate had taken the initiative to make it somewhat cosy inside. Thankfully, the second bed was empty that night, meaning that she didn’t have to hold back.

“Wanna sit?” Y/n motioned to the foot of her bed as she took a seat near the headboard.

“Uh,” Abby glanced down at her dirty attire, “I shouldn't. Sorry, I didn’t even change before I came here–fuck, I’m so sorry.”

Y/n shook her head, “Hey, it’s okay, Abs. We can sit on the floor?”

The blonde’s shoulders loosened at the use of that nickname, almost like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders as she lowered herself to sit directly across from Y/n on the carpeted floor.

It was quiet for a beat, both of the girls sitting in silence as they watched, both anxiously waiting to see who would speak first.

“Did you mean it?” Y/n was the first to crack.

“Did I mean…”

“You know what I’m talking about. You were drunk, but you avoided me like a clicker, Abby, so please don’t play dumb and just talk to me.”

Abby cleared her throat, “Yes. I meant it.”

Y/n let out a heavy breath, and Abby couldn’t tell if she was relieved or even more upset with her answer, “Okay, so you meant it. But why couldn’t you just tell me that? You knew how I felt about you when we first met, but you told me you weren’t interested so that was that.”

Abby shook her head, “It wasn’t like that. When we first met, I was…still dealing with how things ended with Owen. I was angry and hurt, and I really thought I would never get over it. But then, after a little while, I started to realise that I wasn’t heartbroken over him, I was angry that he and Mel didn’t have the decency to talk to me before they started fucking behind my back.”

“Okay,” Y/n nodded, “But after that? Is it some kind of internalised homophobic shit going on? If it is, you could’ve talked to me about it, I could’ve helped you.”

“It’s not that. It wasn’t that I was scared or ashamed of myself, it was that I didn’t even really think about it, I guess. Then, when I finally did, you were with Samyah, and then that ended and you were so upset, and that got me thinking that…I don’t know, what if I was the same as her? What if I was just wanting to experiment? I didn’t wanna talk to you about it because I didn’t wanna lose you, and I didn’t want you to think that I was the same as her,” Abby could feel her eyes stinging from the sudden onset of tears, “And then by the time I realised that that wasn’t the case, you were already with Reagan.”

Y/n opened her mouth to speak, but Abby cut her off.

“I know, you’re with her, and if that’s what you want, then that’s fine. I want you to be happy. But I can’t leave here knowing that I didn’t tell you that I am in love with you, so much that I don’t even know what to do with myself.”

Y/n didn’t answer, not verbally. Instead, she threw herself across the room, clambering into Abby’s lap and messily pressing her lips against hers. Abby was quick to reciprocate, her lips moving against hers steadily and conforming the once sloppy movements into a more slow and rhythmic embrace. Her arms moved to wrap around her waist, palms sliding up and down her back greedily as Y/n gently took Abby’s flushed cheeks into her own hands.

When they finally pulled away, they both broke into wide grins, leaning in to peck each other once more.

“Reagan and I aren’t together. I guess I was just on the rebound and she was looking for a fling, but it’s over.” Y/n whispered, “ I love you too, so much that I do know what to do with myself.”

Abby laughed, eyes trailing down her body and finally settling on the dirt and mud and blood that had transferred from her own dirty clothes to Y/n’s.

“Shit, sorry, got you kinda dirty.”

Y/n glanced down at herself, then shrugged with a sly glint in her eye, “It’s okay. It just means that we’re both gonna have to go shower before bed, right?”

Abby stared at her in awe for a moment, brain finally catching up to her words as she jumped to her feet, hauling Y/n up into her arms as she began a quick march in the direction of the women’s showers, the otherwise quiet hallway being disturbed by Y/n’s squeal of surprise and laughter as the tall blonde carried her.

Though the laughter was certainly more bearable to the surrounding rooms than the sounds that echoed from the showers over the next hour, though Abby couldn’t find a single ounce of concern for the others in the moment, just glad that she was finally able to hold and touch and kiss Y/n, just like real people do.

#reader insert #x reader #imagines #lesbian #abby anderson #abby anderson imagine #abby anderson x reader #abby tlou #abby anderson x you

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antiadvil · 29 days

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early tit shows request

I already posted this in the community tab but wanted to make a separate post so it can be shared more widely.

TLDR I’m very photosensitive and have tit tickets for November 3rd in Chicago. I would like to compile a list of the flash effects in the show and when they are before I go, so I can know when to look away. If anyone else would find this useful, I can share the list publicly. I'll put the rest under a cut because it's very long and I want any discussion via reblog chain to be legible:

why i need help:

As some of you may know because I bitch about constantly, I have chronic migraine, and one of my symptoms is photophobia that ranges from moderate to severe Literally All Of The Time. On a good day I’m able to hang out in a dim room wearing my tinted glasses and experience no light related pain but even on my best migraine days I still find very bright, flashing, or flickering lights to be very painful to look at or generally exist around. I bought a tit ticket fully knowing there would likely be flash effects in it because WAD did, many of their videos do, ii and tatinof probably did, I don’t remember, and literally every stage production I have been to in the past year did, except for an orchestra, if that counts as a stage production 😂. I literally would not be able to leave my apartment if I avoided everything that triggers my photophobia considering the Literal Sun is one of the biggest offenders so I am really not looking for people to tell me to just not go or whatever. Obviously I hope that my migraine resolves by the time my show comes around (like at least breaking down into individual episodes instead of one incredibly long migraine would be nice), and it’s possible it will, since I haven’t actually gotten to try the most promising treatments yet bc insurance bullshit, but I expect to still be dealing with this two months from now.

how you can help:

So, it would be really helpful if anyone was able to tell me about the flash effects in the show before I go. Ideally, I would like to know how many there are, how extreme they are, how long they last, and MOST ideally, approximately when in the show they happen so I can cover my eyes and look away beforehand (I’m thinking, like, “after they do abc they flash the lights,” not timestamps, since I think that would be much easier for everyone involved to remember. I know this will probably involve spoilers, I don’t mind, I’m currently planning to look at spoilers for the show). I know this is not something people with normal eyes/brains/optic nerves normally remember after shows (even my closest friends who are genuinely trying have failed to warn me about flash effects before) but I am hoping through the power of crowdsourcing i can put together a semi-complete guide to When To Look Away At Tit For Photophobic people. I can share that doc if there’s any interest in it and anyone who is able to “test drive” the document before my show would be very helpful. I’m also willing to keep making changes to the document after my show, if that’s something people would find helpful. If it is though I would really appreciate hearing from you- even if it's just an anon or something, because I'm not going to do extra work if I don't think it will reach anyone who needs it. I'm sure I'm not the only person who's planning to go to tit and just suffer through any flash effects, but I don't know if this post/the document I make will reach any of them (does anyone know if there's an accessibility/disability community on phan twitter??). My tentative plan is to share the document regardless, since it doesn't take much extra work from me, but if this is something that would benefit you please reach out so we can make sure it benefits you too.

a hopefully helpful guide to flash effects:

Another challenge is, quite frankly, most people are very bad at even noticing flash effects if they’re not photosensitive. I get it, as a newly photosensitive person I was genuinely confused about why I left across the spiderverse with such a bad headache, because nothing in it looked like a “flash effect” to me. Some things that have triggered my photophobia before that people may not think of as “flash” effects include: the snow effect in stardew valley, candles (flames in general create a very flickery light), glitch/static editing effects, the sort of stuttery/laggy way video games look when your graphics card is bad, and video that flips through photographs/backgrounds very quickly (this is worse the more different the colors/etc in the photos/backgrounds are from each other but even if it’s done in a more stopmotion kind of way it still bugs me at low FPS. It’s like the video game thing, I’m not sure if there’s an actual word for that). Another thing that commonly bothers people (personally it doesn’t hurt much though it can make me a bit motion sick) is sort of swirly “hypnotizing” gifs.

From the set photos, I think any flash effects would most likely come from the light/rope/wire things, those just look perfect for some kind of sparking/lightning effect which I imagine would be very obvious and easy to spot. The video screens could probably also be a problem but if they’re all at standard screen brightness, unless they all start being flashy at the same time, they’re a much smaller portion of the audience’s field of vision so I don’t think they would be as problematic (though I would still like to know about them!). My worst fear is that they’re playing something really staticky for the entire show, though I hope that at my distance from the stage, the static would be small enough to just kind of blend into gray and not bother me much.

in conclusion:

Yes, this could all be solved if people stopped putting so many fucking flash effects in their shows. I am begging for the entire world to realize that nine times out of ten they are Completely Not Worth It and just putting a “some flash effects may not be suitable for photosensitive viewers!!!” warning on every piece of media ever created does not make their media accessible (hey Netflix! Wanna give me a timestamp to skip or am I just expected to never watch Stranger Things?). But here we are.

#lou is loud #dnp #dan and phil #phan #terrible influence tour #migraine #photosensitivity #photophobia #<- mostly for my own organization

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coraniaid · 3 months

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The scene where Willow confronts Faith is Choices is kind of fascinating to me, because ... well.

I like Choices quite a lot, and I think Willow's dislike of Faith is perfectly understandable and in character (and her speech has some fun but probably not intentional foreshadowing for later seasons), but it's hard not to notice that the narrative expects you to be rather more unambiguously on Willow's side than I think is really warranted.

I mean, Willow might not have been the most popular girl in high school, but she has multiple close friends, a nice boyfriend, a stable [and fairly comfortably middle-class] home life, she "represents the pinnacle of achievement in Sunnydale High" in the words of her school's principal, she's trusted enough to teach at the school, in a year she'll be able to go to any college she wants (and, unlike some people, she can afford to go anywhere she wants), she used to hack into government computer databases (before she ever met Buffy!) and now she's teaching herself dark magic "for fun" and she hasn't [yet] ever suffered any real repercussions for either of those things.

On the other hand, from what little we hear about Faith's past we know she grew up poor and that her mother used to get drunk and beat her, that she didn't have any friends and dropped out of high school young, she is very strongly implied on multiple occasions to have been the victim of some pretty horrific abuse before being called as a Slayer, and after being called as a Slayer she got to watch the one adult who ever told her she mattered get killed horribly in front of her before fleeing across the country to a town where she doesn't know anybody, still has no friends, doesn't have a job or go to school and lives alone in a motel in the bad part of town. And when she accidentally killed a man, while trying to do the whole slaying vampires thing she's supposed to be doing, the Watcher's Council -- who never actually bothered to send her a new Watcher of her own -- decided to have her abducted and dragged away to England [a fate which surely nobody deserves].

Yet a part of Willow clearly thinks (and almost outright says) "oh, well, yeah, but she hangs out with Buffy sometimes when I don't get to and she slept with the guy -- not my nice boyfriend! -- who I used to have a crush on (and who I was briefly cheating on said boyfriend with), so it's clearly impossible to say which of us really had things worse and I don't need to feel sorry for her". And -- again, while this is great characterisation for Willow -- it's kind of hard not to notice that the writers think she has a compelling point.

Yes, sure, Faith has defected to working for the Mayor and has a knife drawn on Willow this scene (she's not anything like a blameless victim at this point of the story) and it takes a certain level of physical bravery for Willow to stand up for herself despite that. But ... I mean, come on. "You had friends like Buffy" is only true if you accept it to mean "you had exactly one friend, who was Buffy". "It's way too late" for Faith to seek forgiveness ... how many people has Faith killed at this point? One, by mistake? Giles has killed more people than that. "Some people think you had a lot of bad breaks?" Yeah, actually in Faith's shoes I'd want to hit Willow after she said that too.

I realize that part of the show's central thesis -- something that explicitly came up as recently as Earshot -- is the idea that everybody, regardless of how comfortable their life might seem from the outside, has their own sorrow and pain and (only occasionally metaphorical) demons to fight. But while that's not entirely wrong, it's also ... not entirely complete? Everyone has it bad sometimes, but some people really do have it worse than others. Pretending otherwise is ... not a serious position to take.

Willow's life could be better, but she's not gone through anything like Faith has. I'd argue she literally can't imagine how bad Faith's life has been. She really doesn't have as much moral authority as the show's writers think she has at this point.

[Compare this part of Season 3 with the first half of Season 6, when the show is overflowing with sympathy for Willow's abrupt descent into magic addiction but has no sympathy at all for Amy Madison, whose own magic addiction is just implied to be because she's inherently a Bad Person who Willow needs to avoid and whose own horrific past and abusive mother and complete lack of support system is just entirely forgotten about. Or, indeed, to the weird take of Dead Man's Party, which has Buffy apologize to Willow for ... what? Having problems of her own that don't revolve around Willow? Being too busy mourning the loss of everything she ever cared about to tell Willow how uniquely special and amazing she was for learning rudimentary magic? Not being grateful enough for Willow restoring Angel's soul without bothering to ask Buffy if that was something she still wanted her to try?]

So, the overall effect is ... yeah, it's a good scene. But it's almost a good scene despite the writer's intentions, not because of them. It's much less of an ambiguously triumphant moment for WIllow than I believe we're meant to read it as.

#btvs

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mykoreanlove · 4 months

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Minho 😥

„Where is y/n?“, Minho asked impatiently.

„Oh, I just texted her. She was on a date but now is on her way.“

The bar was crowded with young, good looking people but none of them captured Minho‘s attention like you did. Ever since you showed up in Seoul he was a mess, an utterly self-sabotaging mess.

„Hey guys“, you cheered in happily, taking the empty seat next to Minho.

„Whoa, you look amazing. That was an important date, huh?“

You tilted your head to the side and smirked at your friend.

„Wouldn’t you like to know?“

You took a sip of his beer and spilled the tea, happily letting them know of your whereabouts these past hours.

„So yeah, I went on a date.“

You didn’t notice Minho‘s sharp inhale or the death stares he pointed at his blue drink.

„So? What is he like? Is he Korean?“

„Yeah, he is. He’s amazing really. Funny, smart, super sweet to me. He is very handsome and has such a sexy body..“, you teased.

„Where did you meet?“

„Oh, at the dance school. Remember how I started taking classes there? Yeah, we met there. And you know me, I’m a slut for men who can dance.“

„Why don’t you date Minho then? He’s an ace in dance.“, your friend suggested.

You felt the tight knot in your stomach again, the one you always felt after the one time you shared with Minho.

„Guys, come on. Minho doesn’t like me like that, ha!“, you tried to play it off coolly.

„As if! I’ve seen him pouting for the past hour ever since I mentioned that you went on a date.“

Minho‘s head jerked up suddenly, the death stares were now aimed at his friend.

You felt the confusion again, you never really knew where you stood with him. You arrived in Seoul weeks ago and met him on the first night and still, you had no idea if he liked you at all.

This had to stop.

You turned around to face him.

„Can we talk outside?“

Minho got off his chair, reluctantly, and followed you outside.

„Min, what are they talking about?“

Finally, he looked at you with a pained expression on his face.

„I don’t know, they’re probably just fucking around.“

„So, you don’t have a problem with me dating other guys?“

„Why would I have a problem with the foreigner dating others?“

His tone was cold, utterly indifferent.

„Yeah, okay.“, you turned around annoyed and walked back in.

It took him a couple of seconds to realize that he messed up again, but as soon as reality hit him, Minho raced after you.

„Y/N, wait.“, he huffed out.

„I don’t know why I said that. I’m sorry.“

„I just don’t get you!“, you said agitated. „For real, Minho, I don’t expect anything from you but honesty. Can you be real for a second?“

He looked down, not saying a word.

„I didn’t plan liking you and I didn’t plan hooking up with you the first night here but it kind of happened. I did plan the second time however because I wanted to get to know you. And somehow I thought you liked me, too. Remember how you wanted to take me out on a date to actually talk in daylight without ripping our clothes off? Remember how you brought that up twice but it never happened? I guess I was just another foreigner hook up to you.“

Getting that off your chest felt good. Even though it was painful, you felt proud of voicing yourself.

„You are anything but y/n.“

He suddenly looked up at you, tears in his eyes.

„I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I just.. I kind of planned the first time because I knew that I liked you the second I saw you. You are so amazing, really. And I meant every word I said about wanting to get to know you, it’s just.. I told you how I got cheated on three times and I told you how badly I suffered the last time. I can’t risk that again.“

You took a stop closer to him but he stopped you.

„No wait, let me talk first. Every time I see you I get all giddy and happy and want to be with you in every way possible. I picture us walking along the Han river, going on coffee dates and you wearing my stüssy shirts. I really fucking want that. But when I’m alone again I get so overwhelmed, so crippled with the fear that everything is going to end badly again.“

„Min, I’m not like your ex girlfriends.“

„I know but even if you don’t cheat on me this will have an expiration date. What about when you have to go back? What then?“

You took a deep breath, feeling so much compassion for this little idiot.

„Min, I left my real life, I put it on hold for six months to come to Korea, a country that I have visited once before and whose language I barely speak. Do you really think I wouldn’t take a risk for love?“

Minho‘s eyes were glistening with expectation.

„Have you ever wondered if I would come back? Or you’d get sick of Korea and would come to Europe? Or we’d leave everything behind and go to California?“

He shook his head silently.

Now you walked up to him and grabbed his hands.

„I can’t promise you that this will work out. Maybe you’ll get sick of me or I’ll get sick of you or something else comes up. And I understand you’re afraid, I am, too. But I promise I will do my best to keep your heart safe with me. You just have to open up to me, Min. Can you open up to us?“

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loves4ge · 4 months

Text

office hours

nanami kento x gn!reader

workplace romance

you had to give it to him, the man was dedicated. you don't think you've ever seen nanami kento not working. it was actually kind of disconcerting. made you want to almost invite him for happy hour. almost. you looked at your little office desk succulent, the small mug of markers and pencils, and a tiny picture of you and your little cat.

you thought it was quite plain, but compared to nanami's near-empty desk, it might as well be festive.

"did you send over the email yet?" that was nanami. he asked you politely, in a measured voice that was distant without being rude. you turn to face him, god, he looked good in that tie. your mind processed his question slowly, as you just stared at him.

"um, sorry- the email? what e- oh! yeah, i sent it. sorry, i'm feeling a bit scatterbrained, i suppose." you wanted to crawl into a hole and die. nanami would not be invited to your funeral. you'd die a second time if that happened.

"alright then." and that was it. the quota of your talking time with nanami today was up and you'd have to survive on that sentence to fuel your crush on him. the gravelly tone in which he said alright, you could almost imagine how he'd sound like when he would say sweetheart.

god, you sounded psychotic.

"i'm not a psycho. i'm not a psycho," you repeated in whispers, typing your keyboard with aggressive strokes.

the clock struck 12, and people started filing out of the office for lunch. you texted a friend to see if she could join you for lunch but fate likes to kick you at the worst times possible; she was going to lunch with her coworkers.

your coworkers were nice, but you'd rather not spend a minute more with them unless at gunpoint. even then, you'd probably weigh the pros and cons. you'd love to have lunch with nanami, but after he turned your first two invites down, you never really built up the courage to ask again.

you stood up, making sure you had your wallet on you. you glanced at nanami; he was still seated. pursing your lips, your fingers curled into a fist out of hesitation.

"no plans for lunch today, huh?" you asked, an awkward smile painted onto your face. lord have mercy, your nerves were so visible, it was painful.

"i do." you immediately thought of another place where he could say that phrase, with you standing opposite him—you were psychotic.

"oh, well. guess you can't keep me company today, haha." you wanted to close your eyes out of sheer embarrassment. who says haha?

"that's not true. i could, if you wanted me to." your eyes shot towards him. suddenly, your mouth was dry.

"uh, well. so you'd like to have lunch with me?"

"yes, i'd love to." oh my god, he said love.

"you're sure?" he cracked a slight smile at that, and you were sure your heart was going to burst. in fact, there was 20% chance you were already dead and this was your reward for suffering through a lifetime of humiliations. you weren't sure if this was an appropriate time to pinch your arm to check.

"yes, i'm sure. you have any place in mind?"

nanami kento was going to kill gojo satoru for being the inconvenient piece of shit to ever live. not only did he have the most unserious "emergencies", he also had them at the worst possible times.

first, it was when his beautiful coworker, the one with a blue-potted succulent, invited him for lunch. nanami had noticed them when it was their first day at work, their desks being so close to each other and all. and who wouldn't notice them? nanami certainly had.

the second time nanami had to help with an emergency, it was when you invited him to dinner. this was three weeks after the first invite, so it was obvious that you had worked yourself to ask him. god, it killed him to turn you down.

"no plans for lunch today, huh?" he turned from his desk to look at you. this was a month after the dinner invite. he didn't have any plans for lunch today. he was behind on work, actually. he needed this lunch hour to catch up on things. besides, he had a big breakfast. he could always get something quick to eat at his desk from a convenience store.

"i do."

he was going to kill gojo satoru, right after he took you out for lunch.

#sage -> writes!#jjk #jjk fluff #nanami kento #nanami x reader #nanami fluff #gojo satoru #geto suguru #toji fushiguro #jjk fanfic #jjk x reader #jjk nanami #jujustu kaisen #jujustu nanami

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coolyiooo · 1 year

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BSD Men Dealing With Your Mood Swings

parings: Dazai, Fyodor, and Chuuya

First time writing something other than smut 😶🔫

🖤DAZAI🖤

You were having a bad day, not only because you started your period but also some drama was happening between some friends of yours, so you were ranting to your boyfriend while driving. He was being the passenger princess.

"And then she was all like ' that's none of your business ' "

"Oh shit-" he said with a hand over his mouth, actually invested with your tea

"I know! And I was like-"

You suddenly heard one of your favorite songs playing on the radio

"Hold on- babe, this song is my jammm"

You started to vibe with the music and sing long with it, completely forgetting about your drama you had earlier in the day.

Dazai was a bit baffled but he started to laugh at how your mood just did a whole 360. He actually started to vibe with the music with you.

Another day, another pain of suffering of cramps, hormones, and blood 🤢 you were mad, annoyed, disgusted, and sad all at once. You literally just arrived at the ADA office and immediately said, in a monotoned voice

"I'm going to hang myself" And sat down

Everybody in the office was a bit worried and confused, they all faced Dazai to see if he'll comfort you and be a good bf but all he said was

"I'd never thought I'd hear you say those words" he had stars in his eyes.

Everybody gave him a disgusted look and he could feel it. He chuckled nervously and said

"I- I mean why don't I go to the store to buy all the snacks you want!"

" Aweeee thanks babe!"your mood immediately changed.

Dazai mentally gave himself a high five.

When work was over you were comfortable in the couch, covered in blankets, heat pad on your stomach, and reading your book. Everything was perfect when suddenly your boyfriend came in. You gave him an intense side eye and he immediately noticed.

"Uh- what's wrong, princess?"

"I need you to leave" you said straight up with no remorse.

For a second he looked a bit shocked, wondering if he did something. You felt bad but suddenly saw how pretty he was, so you used that as an excuse to let him down easy.

"your distracting me with your beauty" You went back to reading your book

He was baffled once again but then was flattered and smiling to himself. He left the room to yourself. He was a bit taken aback by the aggressive, flirting comment but a win is a win.

He'll try his best to comfort you during these times. I feel like sometimes he's the reason your mood is just sky rocketing all over the place, but he'll make up for it.

💜FYODOR💜

You were literally being a couch potato. Covered in blankets but also chips, crumbs, and snacks.Fyodor came in the room and saw the mess you surrounded yourself in.

"My dear, is it too much to ask for you to clean up after yourself?"

"Shut up your anemic" you retorted back with no sympathy.

Nikolai was in the same room as you two were in and tried his best not to burst out laughing . You realized what you just said and immediately began laughing. Fyodor was slightly taken by surprise by your bold comment but his face showed no emotions except for 'you better stop if you know what's good for you'.When you noticed his face, you immediately stopped laughing. Fyodor then walked towards you, you were starting to get scared

"w-wait! I'm on my period I'm sorry!"

He stopped in front of you "yes, I can see my love"

"I- ...I'm sorry" you said timidly

He looked back at you with dark eyes "just clean up after yourself, darling" he kissed your forehead and left the room.

"Your lucky he loves you" Nikolai commented

Later that same day you were laying your head on Fyodor's lap as he was petting your hair, reading a book. You were staring at his legs and randomly said

"You have very pretty legs, they look like they belong to a woman"

He immediately stopped what he was reading and looked at you. You stared back at him.

"I meant that as a compliment of course. I mean your just very beautiful"

He stared back at you with a hint of concern, but then reverted back to a straight face

"My dear, just go back to sleep" he said, gently scratching your head

Next day you were sitting on the bed, late at night, reading a book. Fyodor came in and stared at you. He was just surprised you were still awake but you felt judged.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" You said in a bratty tone

"Am I... Really that ugly?" You asked with curiosity and started to feel a bit down

He closed his eyes and deeply sighed "of course not, my love. Your more than beautiful" he sat next to you on the bed

"How so?" You pouted

He gently stared into your eyes "Your captivating, enchanting, and even pulchritudinous"

(Yes, that's a real word)

You didnt even know what that last word meant but since it sounded pretty, you felt flattered. You hugged his arm and kissed his cheek.

"Ugh thanks, Fedya. I love you" you had a smile on your face and snuggled close to his chest.

He smiled slightly "I love you more" he said, kissing the top of your head.

He usually doesn't take whatever you say seriously during these days just because of your mood swings and how this isn't what you'd normally do or say, but he'll still try to make it bearable for you and a little for him as well. You should definitely give him a thank you for dealing with your bs.

🧡CHUUYA🧡

He already knew you started you period. He low-key seems like the guy to track it down and stuff so he bought you a bunch of snacks. Usually when your on your period he cuddles with you so when he arrived at your shared place he went to go look for you. He found you laying flat on your face on the bed.

"Hey babe, how are you feeling?"

You responded by soft groaning

"Awe I'm sorry baby, I got you your favorite snacks. I hope that makes you feel better" he laid the bag down on the night stand.

He saw that you weren't moving, and out of sympathy, he touched your head.

"Don't touch me" you mumble in a strict tone

Normally he would probably be concerned but he understands that it's just your period talking and understands you probably just want to be alone.

"I'm sorry, let me know if you need anything" He said before making his way out the room

You lifted your head up looking back at him "wait, where are you going?" Your tone sounding sad "don't go"

He was confused but then you reached your arms out to him.

"I change my mind please cuddle with me" you said almost as an order

Your change in tone and mood startled him. He didn't want to make it worse by disobeying your order so he cuddled with you. You started playing with his hair and scratching his head. His thoughts were that he's the one supposed to help you relax not the other way around but the more you looked at him the more you realized just how literally gorgeous the man was.

"Chuuya, your so prettyyy" you said while kissing his cheek

He was starting to blush "the more I look at you the more breath taking you get" you then smothered him with kisses.

A moment ago you were literally not wanting any physical touch and now look at you, you can't keep your hands off him. Not like he's complaining though, but he's definitely struggling to keep up with your mood swings.He was about to respond back to you with compliments, but you then stopped your kissing and said

"now let me sleep I'm tired" you patted his chest gently and rolled out of his arms. Now he was just dazed.

He'll try to make you the happiest he can during your days of the month overall and you should definitely give him your gratitude for being a good bf

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eustasskidagenda · 1 year

Text

Eustass Kid x Reader - S/O reacting to his phantom pain crisis

Resume : Eustass Kid is having a phantom pain crisis in front of his s/o for the first time. It's just a headcanon of mine, I honestly think Kid is facing that kind of symptoms since the loss of his arm and only Killer knows about it.

CW : a lot of cursing (from Kid, duh), mention of sex, hurt & comfort.

WC : 1787

______________________________________________________________

It’s your first time sleeping together. Kid is already snoring loudly on his side of the bed, your legs entwined beneath the bedsheets. You’re holding him from behind, in a lovely spooning position. You never thought Kid would actually, like to be the little spoon, but here he’s, sleeping heavily with your arms wrapped around his large and toned bare chest. Despite the peacefulness of the night, the intense and rough sex session you just had and the fresh air of the night, slowly caressing your face through the open window and the sweet moonlight shining on your skin, you’re unable to fall asleep. The whole situation is just new to you and it makes you so nervous. You’re afraid of doing something embarrassing if you dare to close your eyes. What if Kid is disgusted by your face when you sleep? You know your questionings are idiots, but yet, it’s haunting you.

With a low sigh, you nuzzle your head again Kid’s strong back, tracing his scars with your fingers. You love how warm and toned his body feels against yours. And you love even more how Kid’s hair are all sprawl out like a fire halo on the pillow. He looks so beautiful with his hair down, anytime he takes off his goggle, you fall again for him. You gently run your fingers through the red hair. It’s soft, it even surprised you the first time. You never thought someone as tough as Kid could actually care that much about his hairstyle and skin. "Being a punk is a whole lifestyle" as he loves to remind you all the damn time he takes an eternity in the bathroom.

You smile against Kid's back. It seems like he's a heavy sleeper, not even perturbed by your hand running through his hair. You fondle his face, retrace the scars crossing his eyes, slowly but surely starting to feel sleepy. Just when you can't keep your eyes open anymore, Kid starts to move harshly, almost convulsing. In his sleep, he's cursing and groaning. But not with that usual tough and husky voice. He sounds more… desperate.

Vulnerable.

"Hey, Kid, what's wrong?" You ask, but he doesn't answer, still trapped in his own dreams. You turn on the candle lamp, only to see Kid sweating, his face twisted in a painful expression. Your heart twisted painfully. You never thought Kid could look that miserable and helpless. "Hey, please, wake up, it's alright, I'm here," You whisper next to his ear. Still breathing hardly and sweating, your boyfriend groan louder, cursing again and again. A litany of "shit" and "fuck" coming out of his lips. "Killer," he whispers pathetically.

You hesitate to indeed call his best friend, because you're totally clueless. But when you decide to stand up and look for help, Kid sit up straight in the bed, eyes wide open and his hand wrapped around… nothing. You can't help but notice how red and wet his eyes are. Again and gain, his hand look for something it can't find. "Kid… please talk to me, what's going on?" You try to hide how stressed and afraid you feel. "My arm, it fucking burns," He yelps, short of breath.

His hand continue to look for his missing arm. With a moan of nothing but pain, he grabs his stump, holding back another whine. "Please, talk to me, I don't understand," You hate how you sound: almost begging. In your chest, your heart is racing really fast, almost painfully. What's going on? Seeing your boyfriend in such a suffering is really breaking you in pieces. His burden looks so heavy to carry for a single person. "My arm… it fucking burns… it feels like goddamn electric shock…"

And then, you finally understand. You already heard about it before: phantom pain. Common for amputated victims. Still breathing heavily, Kid try to wrap his hand around his missing arm, but the only thing he can reach for is the emptiness. Even if he hides it with his hair, you can notice some tears running down his cheeks as he lies back on the bed, his body almost convulsing with the pain. "Fuck!" Kid growls. "Fucking arm. Fucking body!" And this is why Kid was always avoiding you sleeping with him. Not because he wasn't feeling comfortable with you. But, because he was scared to have a crisis in front of you. To look fragile, human. But you're together in this mess, and in everything. "I've got you. Just tell me how to help," You whisper soothingly, entwined your fingers with his.

Kid avoids your gaze, writhing in pain, making a mess with the bedsheets. The sweat drips from his forehead and he bites his lips, trying to shut down his snorting. "Massage the stump. Or wrap it in a warm towel," Your body immediately starts to move, and you gently start to massage Kid's stump. The skin is warm, soft, except along the scars where the touch is more rough and coarse. It's the first time he allows you to touch this part of his body. This man has no shame nor reserve when it comes to nudity, and yet, he never allowed you to touch his stump, always snarling every time your hands reach for his left shoulder. He must really feel bad to let you touch him in such an intimate way. He sits again, his back leaning against the wall and his breathe heavy with the pain. "Fuck," He continues to growl and a drop of sweat slide along his neck. With each shaky breathe, he curses. "I know it's disgusting," He growls as your fingers continue to fondle the stump, trying to soothe the pain. "Why?" He shrugs. "It's ugly," You smile. "Nothing about you is ugly. Just let me help you. Do you feel better?" He shakes his head. "Sometimes, my crisis can last a whole day. Usually, Killer just massage the stump or help me to take a hot bath. Warmth can help. When the crisis is light, he uses a mirror," You raise an eyebrow. "A mirror?" Kid curses again. "Shit! Yeah, a goddamn mirror, it's just some shitty trick to fool my brain,"

He's not doing well, even with your help. Fighting against another spams crisis, Kid growls, eyes wet and body covered of sweat. His hand hit the mattress, his movement full of pain, anger and powerlessness. "Let me help you to take a bath." You whisper, still fondling the stump. It doesn't feel swollen under your fingers, that the tricky stuff with phantom pain. "No way. I hate water, I feel weak in it."

Well, actually, right now, he's already weak and vulnerable. "Stop being a child and let me help you. If a bath can help, then, we need to try."He snarls angrily. "I don't want to look like a shit in front of you!" You gently stroke his cheek. "It's okay, Kid, you're still the same for me: annoying and goddamn loud. Seeing you in such a state would never change how I feel about you." He tries to fight back, but the pain is too much to bear and he just let out a slow moan of pain, more sweating dripping from his forehead. He can't resist anymore, almost breaking down because of the unbearable pain. So when you help him to get up, he just shut up, avoiding your gaze, trying to not fall apart as you lead him to the bathroom. "Ugh," he complains as you lock the door behind the two of you and let the hot water running down the bathtub. He knows what's going to happen and already feels so damn ashamed. He mumbles while taking off his underwear. The bathroom is slowly turning steamy with all that warm water. "Here it is." You help Kid to sit in the tub, and his body immediately starts to soften. You know he will not talk in such a situation, ain't no way for the sake of his pride, he lets you hear how ridiculous his voice sound when the cursed water affects him.

Nicely, lovingly, you fondle his stump covered of warm water. Kid closes his eyes, his breathe still messy and shaky from pain. He doesn't want to look at you. He feels ashamed by his current state. No one, except Killer, never took care of him like this. Since his childhood, he's used to fight for almost everything. Life makes him tough, pitiless, violent. He had to fight the whole time, only to have the right to stay alive. And yet, you're here, not even disgusted while touching his stump. What has he done to deserve someone as passionate, strong and yet tender like you? Your gentle massage combined to the warm water slowly ease the pain. His breath is less harsh, eyes shut less tightly too. "Want me to wash your hair?" He doesn't answer, just nod as you grab some shampoo to wash his precious red hair. You slowly bend to kiss his temple. Maybe it's bad to have that kind of thoughts now, but Kid looks so beautiful, his naked body all wet, muscles glistening of water, hair down, hair pulled back. Without the eyeliner and red lipstick, Kid looks a bit younger, less tough, but always that damn handsome. You fondle his head, then his tensed shoulders, and finally the stump. "Does it happen often?" You ask curiously and he just nods. "It's calm when you're quiet." He snarls angrily, but keeps his mouth shut. You chuckle and grab his chin, bending for a sweet kiss.

The solace of the minute embraces his chest. He remains quiet, just enjoying the peacefulness of the moment. Later, when you lead him back to the bedroom, he lies back on the bed and finally speaks. "Sorry about this," He groans, hiding his face with his forearm. "Don't be sorry. I love you, even through the suffering. I'm with you, always."

He just rolls on his side, showing you his back. Yeah, your dear Kid will never be good with talk. Even more than kind of deep conversation. The ones acknowledging he's just a normal human, with failures. You sigh and lie next to him, kissing his stump, just to let him know how much you love him, despite his missing arm and all the phantom pain crisis he'll have to face in the future. "You can sleep with me every night, now." He just mumbles before falling right back asleep.

You can't help but smile against his back, as sleep finally takes you. Through the small open windows, the moon, up in the sky, looks like she's watching the two of you.

End talk : English is not my first language, I apologize for the potential mistakes or weird sentences. My requests are open.

#eustass kid x reader #one piece headcanons #kid x reader #eustass kid headcanons #kidd x reader #eustass kid #eustass kidd x reader #eustass kid imagine #eustass kid x y/n #eustass kid x you

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onepiece-writting-forest · 7 days

Text

ᴄʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 6 - ʟᴇᴛᴛɪɴɢ ʟᴏᴏꜱᴇ

Summary: After you forgot your keys at home and had no where to stay, Law casually offers his apartment for the night without any second intentions. Though the heat from the make out session still lingered in the air.

a.n.: n.sfw, have fun <3

tags: Law x Reader, Modern AU, protected sex (yea we being responsible here), aftercare a la Law >>[ꜱᴛᴏʀʏ ɪɴᴅᴇx]<<

As Law stood next to you outside, waiting for the cab, you quickly checked your bag again. Wallet? Check. Phone? Check. Keys? Keys?

Wait…

You rummaged through your bag a second time, feeling a familiar knot of panic tightening in your chest. Law had his phone to his ear, glancing at you curiously as you tore through your belongings for what felt like the tenth time.

“The cab will be here in a few,” he said casually, slipping his phone back into his pocket, to which you simply replied with a distracted “Mhm”.

He watched you, mildly amused as you turned your bag inside out.

You cursed under your breath, running a hand through your hair in frustration. “Shit…” The realization hit you: you hadn’t brought your keys. You couldn’t even remember picking them up before you left. They were probably still at home.

“Forgot something?” Law asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah… I left my keys at home. I have a spare at a friend’s place, but it’s kinda late to call her…” You trailed off, glancing at your phone. 3 a.m. No way she’d pick up at this hour. You didn’t want to bother her either.

Panic spread through you. What were you going to do? Crash on the street? Maybe sleep at the uni library, was it even open at this time?

Meanwhile, Law remained calm as ever, weighing his options. Or the only option he could come up with.

“You can crash at mine,” he offered with a shrug, like it was no big deal. He genuinely didn’t seem to care. Sure, you’d made out in a bathroom not too long ago, but that was just part of the night. This felt like a simple, polite offer—nothing more.

“Really? You sure?” you asked, needing some sort of reassurance that it actually was okay.

He nodded, facing you with his usual unreadable expression. “Yeah."

You hesitated for a second. This was technically your first "date"—if you could even call it that. Was sleeping over at his place really a good idea? Then again, what choice did you have?

Swallowing your nerves, you agreed.

The cab ride was quick, and when you reached Law’s shared apartment, he paid the driver before leading you inside. As soon as you stepped in, Law tossed his keys on a small table, hung up his jacket, and kicked off his shoes in a routine manner, clearly relieved to be home. The party had been fun, but you could tell he was ready to crash.

“You want some water?” he asked, noticing you glancing around. His place was surprisingly tidy for three guys sharing it. Cozy, even.

“Yeah, thanks.” You took the glass from him and sipped as he gave you a quick tour of the apartment. It was brief—he pointed out the essentials, like the bathroom and which rooms to avoid (his flatmates’ rooms), before leading you to his own.

You hesitated at the doorway, feeling a sudden wave of awkwardness. His room felt personal, more intimate than the rest of the apartment. Stepping into his private space like this felt strange, but you couldn’t resist glancing around.

“You can take the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch,” Law said, already rummaging through his closet for a spare pillow and blanket.

Your eyes widened. “No, no! I’ll take the couch. You should sleep in your own bed. Please.”

“Not happening.” Law didn’t even glance at you as he tucked the spare pillow under his arm. The couch was a nightmare—he knew that all too well from experience. It was a one-way ticket to back pain, and he’d much rather deal with that himself than let you suffer through it.

“But I—" you started to argue, but he cut you off with an annoyed click of his tongue.

“Y/N. My home, my rules.”

There was a beat of silence before you offered, “We could… share the bed?”

Law stopped mid-motion and turned to you, a little surprised. He studied your face, trying to gauge if you meant something more by the suggestion. But your expression was innocent, it was just a simple compromise.

“You sure?” he asked, tilting his head slightly.

“Y-Yeah, if you don’t mind?” you replied, shyly rubbing the back of your neck.

“It’s my bed. Why would I mind?” Law shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, though you both knew the situation wasn’t that simple. Just hours ago, the two of you had been tangled up in each other in the bathroom of some basement party. The tension was still there, lingering.

But Law, as usual, played it cool. He acted as if sharing the bed with someone he’d very clearly wanted to hook up with earlier was just another part of the night. Nothing to read into.

"Alright, then," Law said, tossing the blanket back in the closet. "You need something to sleep in?"

You blinked, a little surprised by how casually he accepted your offer to share the bed and immediately asked if you needed clothes. It shouldn’t have caught you off guard—it was a normal, thoughtful gesture. But considering they were his clothes, something about the offer made your heart skip. Maybe your standards with men had been so low that this level of decency surprised you. It made sense though, right? Your clothes reeked of the party, and he was just being practical.

Trying not to overthink it, you nodded. "Yeah, that’d be great."

Law handed you a simple T-shirt and a pair of comfy shorts. In the bathroom, you changed and washed your face, noticing how oversized everything was on you. The shirt hung down almost to your knees, and the shorts were so loose you had to cinch them tight at the waist. You’d almost forgotten how much taller Law was compared to you.

When you stepped back into his room, Law had changed too—nothing flashy, just grey sweatpants and a sleeveless white top. But somehow, seeing him like that made your heart race. You’d never noticed how much muscle he had beneath those baggy hoodies he always wore. His arms were defined, and tattoos traced up his chest, reaching his collarbone.

Oh, fuck. He’s even hotter.

Law, sitting on the edge of the bed, glanced over his shoulder as you walked in. His eyes unconsciously trailed over you, taking in the sight of you wearing his clothes. Even though they hung loose and hid your figure, something about the way you looked in them stirred something inside him. He swallowed hard, suddenly wide awake. You looked... better than you did in your own outfit.

For a second, neither of you said anything, the room charged with unspoken tension.

Law cleared his throat, subtly pulling the sheet back as an unspoken suggestion to get into bed. You shut the door behind you and flicked off the light. The sudden darkness made your pulse quicken, as if switching off the light heightened everything—the silence, the intimacy, the fact that you were about to share a bed with him.

You crawled under the covers carefully, your heart pounding in your chest.

“If you need anything, just wake me up,” Law’s voice came out softer now that the room was dark, his tone lower and more intimate. You gave him a quiet hum in response, turning your back to him as he mirrored the action, settling on his side of the bed.

You tried to focus on sleeping—closing your eyes, steadying your breathing—but his scent surrounded you. It clung to the pillow, the sheets, even the oversized shirt you wore. It was impossible to ignore, distracting in a way that left you wide awake. The exhaustion that had weighed on you moments ago was gone, replaced by the fluttering in your chest that wouldn’t let up.

Time blurred, and after what felt like hours but could have been minutes, you shifted slightly, trying not to disturb him. You turned carefully onto your other side, stealing a glance at him, unsure if he had fallen asleep yet.

Suddenly, Law shifted and turned over, facing you with tired, half-lidded eyes. For a second, you froze, wondering if you’d accidentally woken him up.

“Can’t sleep?” he murmured, his voice low and rough, laced with exhaustion.

You pulled the blanket closer to your face, feeling a bit shy under his gaze, and shook your head slowly. There was a pause as Law studied you, his expression soft but unreadable in the faint glow of moonlight filtering through the window. His messy hair fell across his forehead, and despite his tiredness, there was something comforting in the way he looked at you.

You exchanged a quiet glance, the tension between you thickening, unmistakable. It was like a flashback to the bathroom, the same charged energy, heavy and electric. You pulled your legs closer to your body, biting your lip, and that small movement didn’t go unnoticed. Law’s eyes flicked to your mouth, and he visibly swallowed, his throat suddenly dry.

He hadn’t intended to… well, pick up where the two of you had been interrupted at the party. But as the seconds ticked by, and the heat in his body rose, he couldn’t ignore it. He wanted you, more than he liked to admit. The brief taste he’d gotten earlier had only fueled his desire, leaving him craving more.

And now, with you so close, curled up beside him in his bed, it was driving him insane.

When you shifted slightly, inching closer, the last of his restraint crumbled.

Ah, fuck it.

Before you could react, his lips were on yours, soft and insistent. The kiss was slow, deliberate, each movement calculated to make your pulse race. Your hands instinctively went to his shoulders, gripping the fabric of his shirt as you leaned into the kiss. Law's tongue was quick at tracing the seam of your lips, seeking entrance, and you parted them willingly, letting him explore.

His hands moved to your waist, pulling you closer until you were practically pressed against him. The sudden closeness and tension from the night made Laws blood rush south. The sensation of his hard cock pressing against your belly made you moan against his lips, your body responding to his without hesitation and inching closer. Law groaned, deepening the kiss while his tongue tangled with yours in a dance that left you breathless.

Desire pooled low in your body, growing stronger with every passing second. You needed more, craved the feel of his skin against yours. Finally you were alone, without anyone to disturb you.

Breaking the kiss, you looked into his eyes, searching for permission to go further. Law's pupils were dilated, his breaths coming fast and shallow. He wanted this just as much as you did.

You swung a leg around and straddled him, slowly circling your hips causing sinful friction between you. You wanted to feel more, more of his hard dick against your clothed core. The heat was unmistakable, a sizzling current that sparked with every movement. His hands immediately came up to rest on your hips, firm and possessive, guiding you with a subtle yet undeniable authority. You could tell he liked to be the one in control, even if you were on top.

His hands started to wander up your sides, tracing the curve of your waist before cupping your breasts through the thin fabric of your shirt. You gasped at the sensation, leaning forward to press yourself closer to him impatiently.

"Take off your shirt," he commands, his voice allowing no argument. You complied eagerly, pulling the fabric over your head and tossing it aside, along with your bra. Law's gaze raked over you, scorching hot, before he leaned in to capture one of your nipples between his teeth. He really wasn't here to play games.

The sharp pinch of his teeth followed by the gentle tug of his lips sent a jolt of pleasure straight to your core. You moaned without any shame, arching your back to encourage more. His hand cupped your other breast, thumb flicking across the hardened peak as he continued to tease the first with his mouth, knowingly pushing your buttons.

"Law," you pant, "please..."

He pulled back, his eyes gleaming with satisfaction. Oh, he liked how you already begged for him. "Please what?" he asks, a unmistakable teasing grin in his voice.

You bit your lip, feeling suddenly shy. "Please…fuck me."

His expression darkened once you spoke your words, desire pooling in his eyes. How could he say no to such a sweet plead.

He slid his hands down to your short, pulling at the waistband and helping you get out of them quickly, obviously getting impatient. You lifted your hips to help him, and within moments, your pants and underwear were thrown to the floor.

Law pushed you off his hips gently to remove the last bits of clothes on him. You were about to straddle him again, yet paused. He seemed to be reminded of something too.

“You on the pill?” He asked while his breath was going quick, to which you shook your head. Law simply nodded and leaned to the bedside table to search for the familiar packaging.

As Law was getting out a condom, you couldn’t help but pepper his neck with kisses. One of your hand wandering down to his core, gently wrapping your fingers around his hardened cock and pumping it up and down.

Law let out a hiss suddenly, looking at what you were doing. Fuck if you kept going like that, he wouldn’t last long.

He quickly ripped the plastic open with is teeth, and gently pushed you down with one hand. Obediently you let yourself fall into the mattress and spread your legs for him. While Law was putting on the rubber, he watched you with greedy eyes, eating up every piece of you.

“God, you’re going to be the death of me…” He mumbled under his breath and grabbed your legs, pulling you closer to him effortlessly. You could sense the tip of his cock against your entrance as he leaned down.

The feeling of him filling you up painfully slow was overwhelming, a perfect fit that sent waves of ecstasy crashing through your body. You let out a moan, your nails digging into his shoulders as you adjusted to the sensation. Law couldn’t control his own voice and let out a satisfied groan as he pushed deeper, letting you get used to his size. He moved slow at first, observing your blushed face to check if you were okay. However, you being soaking wet made it easier for him, and the way you arched your back and moved closer let him know that you were fully into it.

His fingers tightened around your thighs, pulling you even closer as he maintained that agonizingly slow pace. The sensation of his cock stretching you open was both painful and deliciously overwhelming. You could feel every inch of him, every ridge, as he filled you up.

"Fuck," you moaned desperately, your voice barely a whisper as your nails dug deeper into his shoulders. "Law, please..."

He paused and backed off, the tip of his cock just inside you, teasing you with the promise of more. His eyes locked onto yours, dark and hungry, reading your desperation. "Beg for it," he whispered, his voice low and commanding.

You swallowed hard, your breath coming in short, shallow bursts. "Please," you repeated, "I need... I need you deeper."

A smirk played at the corners of his lips, but it quickly vanished as he began to push further inside you. The stretch felt so good that you moaned out his name loudly. Your hips bucked instinctively, trying to take more of him, but he held you firmly in place, controlling the tempo.

"That's it," he murmured, his voice rough with desire. "Take it all..."

With each slow thrust, he sank deeper, until he was fully seated inside you. The feeling of being so completely filled sent waves of ecstasy through your body. You let out a ragged moan, your head falling back against the mattress as you surrendered to the sensations.

Law's hands moved from your thighs to your hips, gripping you tightly as he began to move. The pace was getting quicker, his hips rolling against yours. He watched your face intently, gauging your reactions.

"You like that?" he asked, his voice dripping with sinful satisfaction.

"Yes," you breathed, your voice trembling with need. "God, yes."

He picked up the pace further, his hips moved against yours in a steady rhythm. Each thrust brought him deeper, hitting spots inside you that made your toes curl and your vision blur with pleasure.

"God, you feel so good…” he groaned, his voice raw with emotion.

Law couldn’t hold himself back any longer, and began to thrust into you ruthlessly, making you body bounce along his own rhythm. The sight beneath him was sinful, and he didn’t know where to look first. Your pretty face twisting in pleasure, your tits bouncing up and down or your pussy where his cock disappeared inside you.

A mixture of grunts and moans started to leave his throat now, Law starting to chase his own orgasm which was painfully close. He wanted you to reach your high together with him, making his thumb circle around your clit. He knew exactly where he had to put the pressure on, causing you to moan out his name multiple times in a row, while your thighs started shivering. Your surrounding were blurred, the only thing you could focus on was him filling you up over and over with a rough pace.

The sound of skin clapping, bed creaking mixed with both of your sinful voices filled the room. Law couldn’t care less if anyone heard you, you felt too good around his cock to worry about that. He gave you all of his attention, dipping down and burying his teeth into the soft flesh of your neck. The added sensation threw you off completely, and you didn’t even notice how fast your high was coming.

“L-Law, I’m…I’m close! Please don’t stop!” You gripped a handful of his hair and threw your head back, locking him tight against your body with your legs.

You let out a strangled cry, your body shuddering with the force of your orgasm. Wave after wave of pleasure crashed over you, leaving you breathless and weak. Law continued to move inside you, riding out your climax with relentless intensity. He wanted to make sure you felt every second of it.

He was close, so close, and he wasn't going to last much longer.

"Law," you whispered, your voice barely audible. "Come on... I want to feel you come."

It gave him the last push. He let out a throaty moan, his control slipping as he slammed into you one last time, burying himself deep inside you. He filled up the condom with his hot cum as he came undone above you. Law stayed still for a moment, letting the intensity of his orgasm wash over him before slowly withdrawing from your body.

As he pulled out, you felt a strange mix of emptiness and fulfillment. The bed felt colder without him inside you, but the memory of what just happened lingered like a warm glow in your chest. Law collapsed beside you, his chest heaving as he caught his breath.

The room became quiet suddenly, only your mixed heavy breathing filling up the silence. Both of you laid next to each other, covered in sweat, looking at the ceiling.

Law got a bit uncomfortable with the condom still attached and reached down to carefully remove it, tying it off before tossing it into a bin. Slowly, almost cautiously, he leaned over you.

His hand hesitated on your cheek, his fingers lingering on the sticky strands of hair he just brushed away. His touch was gentle, almost respectful, a stark contrast to the primal intensity that had driven you both to the brink moments ago. “You okay?” he asked, in a voice so soft it barely broke the silence.

You nodded, your smile tired but genuine. “Yea…hah…give me a moment.”

He chuckled softly, a sound that vibrated through his chest and into yours. He pulled back, letting you rest as you requested, before he finally sat up. You watched him from beneath half-lidded eyes. He reached for his clothes, the movement casual and unhurried.

Your gaze followed him as he got dressed, his silhouette sharp against the dim room. When he slipped on his sweatpants, the fabric hanging loose on his hips in a way that made your heart skip a beat. He placed your spare clothes next to you, his eyes meeting yours for a brief moment before he turned and left the room without a word.

The door clicked softly behind him, leaving you alone with your thoughts and the sticky residue between your legs. You started to shift, trying to find a comfortable position, but the sensation was too distracting. You sighed, your hand slipping between your thighs, feeling the dampness there. You really didn’t want to get dressed like this.

Just as you were about to sit up and make a move, the door creaked open again. Law stepped in, carrying a warm, damp towel and a glass of water. He tossed the towel towards you and set the glass on the nightstand, his actions smooth and practiced.

“If you want to shower, go ahead,” he said casually, sitting next to you on the edge of the bed. His voice was calm, a balm to the lingering tension in the air.

You shook your head, giving him a small smile. “Will do that at home, thanks though.”

At home.

Right, you were going to leave in a few hours, Law almost forgot. It was probably past 4 a.m. now.

Law nodded in silence. You took the towel, its warmth comforting as you began to clean yourself up. The moisture from the towel slid over your skin, erasing the remains of your heated encounter. As you worked, you felt the tension in your body begin to disappear, replaced by a dull ache that reminded you of the intensity of what had just happened.

Once you were done, you pulled on your clothes, the familiar fabric a welcome change from the sticky discomfort. Law watched you, his expression unreadable, but there was an underlying warmth in his gaze that sent a shiver down your spine.

“Feel better?” he asked, his tone still casual, but there was an softness to it.

You nodded and crawled back to bed. “Yeah, much better. Thanks.”

Without another word, you nestled back under the blanket, feeling the weight of the night settle over you. Law followed close behind, his presence a quiet comfort. After everything that had happened, you hesitated, unsure of how to position yourself now. The earlier intensity still lingered, making the space between you feel charged with unspoken thoughts. But Law didn’t seem fazed. He simply looked at you, his expression softening, and opened his arms just a fraction—an unspoken invitation.

It wasn’t that he was insensitive. In fact, he knew the importance of aftercare, regardless of who you were. Though, if he was being honest with himself, maybe it mattered more because it was you.

With most others, it was easy for him to turn over and drift off to sleep without a second thought. But something felt different now. He didn’t give off that cold, detached air that might have made you feel discarded. Instead, there was a quiet warmth in his actions, as if he genuinely wanted to care for you, even after everything was over. The moment you’d shared felt significant, and though he rarely allowed himself to admit such things, he enjoyed being around you. More than he would ever say out loud. The fatigue from the night, the weight of it all, left him too tired to overthink or resist his own feelings.

You hesitated only a moment before slowly moving closer, finding your place beside him. His arms wrapped around you instinctively, and as your head rested on his chest, you could hear the steady, calming rhythm of his heartbeat. The sound soothed you. Wrapped in his warmth, the earlier uncertainty faded, replaced by a feeling of safety. It was comfortable—unexpectedly so. Soon, the exhaustion from the night overtook you both. The world around you softened, and together, you drifted into sleep, bodies tangled, hearts quiet.

tag list: @mars-mizuko , @tadomikiku, @hopelesslover06 (Comment to be added 🖤)

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drdemonprince · 23 days

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i read in the comments to my last ask about "ordinary unhappiness" the idea of depression as a lack of agency and i feel like that is true? when i feel miserable and in pain, it's not because something is sad but because something is either unachievable or impossible (or at least there is the perception of it). and like i think that's what you were getting at too? this thing that drives you to keep going, this lack of satisfaction. i simply don't have anything i can give into such that i would ever even feel a lack of satisfaction. i've never had anything to give myself into and feel frustrated and perhaps sometimes successful in but instead i just envy the people who do have those things. nothing i've ever done has felt maintained a sense of emotional connectiveness in that way (positive or negative). i guess to wrap this back around to another potential talking point, i'm curious how you find that in your life? is it weird for me that nothing has ever felt worth putting myself whole ass into? idk, i find it envious you've got both writing and gay hypno fetish stuff you're able to just throw yourself into so wholly and utterly

Passion isn't inherent, it can be a choice too. I only look like I care a ton about writing and gay hypno stuff because I have deliberately chosen to pursue those passions, for many years, and cultivated a deep interest in them, anon.

When I was in my early twenties, I felt completely empty. I was a void. If you've read the first chapter of Unmasking Autism, this is the period I'm talking about in that book. I went away to graduate school (because I was good at academics, and I had some illusions about what a career in that field would do for me), but I had absolutely zero zest for the subject of psychology at that point. I had no research ideas. I read psychology books and publications purely out of obligation. I did what was required of me, but nothing additional beyond that, and I spent the rest of my time sitting at home, sometimes literally staring at the wall and crying. I had no friends or hobbies, aside from taking long, long depression walks listening to podcasts in order to fill the silence.

This was when I was at my most depressed, and my most suicidal. Just existing was a pain. I'd sob in bed at night and cry out begging for God to kill me, and I didn't even believe in God. The only thing that distracted me from my pain was a guy I was seeing, who was beautiful and very cruel and inconsistent, and I clung to him through all kinds of lies and abuse because it felt as though my happiness was located inside of him.

I had a friend that I wrote to about how miserable I was, and all the twists and turns that my horrible romance was taking. Her name was Heather. (Unlearning Shame is dedicated to her). She told me hey, you're a really good writer, did you know that? I really enjoy reading your emails, even when you're speaking about the most pitiful anguished shit, you really put it poetically and have a ton of insight. You should write more.

For a while, I ignored her. I didn't care about writing. I just wanted to get my pain out on the page because I had nobody to talk to, and oodles of time to waste. I had nothing otherwise that I felt I HAD to say. I had no PASSION. I did not feel like I was put on this earth to do anything. Other people seemed to have these drives, and I had nothing.

But then one day in a fit of depression I stopped by a bookstore right near my apartment, The Armadillo's Pillow, just to get outside of the house. I happened upon a book I had loved in high school, Jonathan Franzen's The Corrections. I took it home. I read it. It transported me for a few hours away from my pain. I went back to the book store and picked up some sci-fi. A John Varley collection, I think. I was also swept away from my suffering, even when the stories had flaws that I noticed. I was interested in the actual craft of storytelling: what worked and what didn't. And there was finally some beauty in my head instead of the usual dreariness and self-hatred and emptiness.

And so. I made the choice to write. I could have taken it or left it at that point. I didn't care about anything. Caring is a muscle that you have to flex. And when you're depressed, it can be very hard. I needed a lot of nudges from the external world and other people, to realize that I had some things I did gravitate toward, even if I didn't realize it.

All that time of course I WAS driven to write. I was churning out 5k word letters to Heather every day practically. I was reading stupid shit online. And when it was put in front of me, and I had no reason to feel guilt about not working hard enough on other things, I reached for books. But I didn't feel passion strongly under the heavy blankets of my depression. Or usually at all, really. I am a quite internally muted person whose emotions are suppressed. But they're there. Speaking to me softly. And to overcome my depression, I had to decide to listen to them instead of ignoring them all of the time, and give them kindling, and then fan them into a flame.

I started blogging regularly while I was in graduate school (right here, hello, you can check my archive dating back to 2011), and finding a reason to live. When I was writing, I felt like the world was interesting, and beautiful. It gave me new things to do. I attended literary readings and book launches all over town. I submitted work to magazines. I bought old copies of magazines and read them. I inhaled books. I listened to fiction podcasts. I joined writing groups. At first, it felt like a slog, like anything else. Doing these things, I was not "happy". But I was interested. I liked learning about the world of publishing, critiquing people's stories in my head, and commisserating with other Tumblr writers about the stuff that got featured on the Prose tag that sucked.

After YEARS of doing this, of choosing to fan my passions, it became a genuine motivation in my life. But even then? I lose track of it sometimes. I get busy, or there's no place comfy to sit and read in my apartment, and I forget that I like writing and reading for months at a time. And then I have to choose it again. It takes effort to care about something, every time.

It's the same way with hypno. I did have a fetish for this stuff all my life long. But it's a passion that people always thought was weird and gross, and that I thought was bad. I didn't tell anyone about it until my late 20's. I felt ashamed masturbating to it or looking up hypno content online. For years I snuffed out that flame of passion until I could barely feel it anymore. It wasn't until I was super depressed AGAIN in my later 20's that I took a bunch of weird off-label anti-depressant drugs under the table and had a weird dreamy headspace overtake me and make me insanely horny that I remembered how much I loved hypno, and because I was in search of an escape from my tormented brain, I sought hypnotists out.

And I had the time of my life. But I also had boring, awkward encounters, bad hook-ups, and had to do a ton of work.

My passions have drawn me out of depression because I needed them to. I had to find them, listen to them, and then give them lots of food. And it's one of the few things that a person does often have agency over, no matter how dispiriting their circumstances. You can make choices about where to put what attention you do have, in what free moments you do have. When you're on the bus or in line at the grocery store and you're thinking about how much you hate yourself, you can try to think about a story you read or a sexual fantasy you had, instead. It's a lot of work. But it's better work than the work of hating yourself, which takes a whole lot of energy and attention itself.

I hope you can find something like this for you. It doesn't really matter what it is. It can be some hobby you've always wanted to try, or something "childish" you've suppressed. Having a passion isn't like being chosen by the universe to care about something. It's not like love at first sight. Nothing fucking works like that in life. It's always work. It's always a choice you have to make, because no one else will give it to you. But there can be hints that you can follow, sometimes.

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