#my friends have been mostly quiet
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I'm going to try to go back to work tomorrow. it's gonna suck - my dad was a volunteer at the museum too, lots of people there knew him, and it's where I last talked to him on the day he had his heart attack. I loved getting to work there with him, seeing my dad during breaks, showing him the things I was doing there, sometimes having lunch together, and I'm really going to miss that, even if we only had that for a few months. but I can't just stay home forever. there's a project that needs finishing, and I need to get out of the house and do other things too.
but I'm really, really not looking forward to this.
#my sister truly has the best situation here#she has a supporting husband and a job that has nothing whatsoever to do with my dad and a really big social circle#I'm going through this largely alone while being reminded of my dad at every turn#my friends have been mostly quiet#no one's even sent me flowers#I don't have a relationship and not a very large social circle#tbh my dad was a really large part of my social life#hell - I haven't even heard from some of the people in charge at the museum who hired both of us#and saw both of us every day#just. crickets.#which tbh I'm kinda pissed off about#like they could've at least sent a card or something#but out of the 3 main leader-y people there#I got an email from one#a phonecall from one with 'so are you gonna send a card or something because there are people here who want to send something'#and absolutely nothing from the last one#which is baffling to me#one of your volunteers just *died* suddenly and another has been out for a month because of it and you just say nothing? do nothing???
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Just a bit of lore relevant vent art (with terrible proportions bc apparently I mess that up horribly when I'm tired ugh. Watch me regret posting this tomorrow. The head size is already driving me mad bc it's too big, and I can feel myself wanting to abort this mission already) of Mourynn just, lying down on top of one of those large elevated Pale Tree roots far above the Grove (and far away from everyone else), and during the time between the early years and before the Personal story. Caithe is gone (Destiny's Edge), Wynne is gone (bc well, y'know...), even Faolain is gone (bc of Caithe in DE), and she's just feeling miserable, lost, and alone. (Her hair is in between her sapling hair and the Zhaitan hair, so it's grown out a bit bc she's depressed, and she's meant to be in the new outfit she designed, but I'm in the process of redesigning it a bit, so I've made a few tentative changes for now. Her collar is now just an extension of her clavicle leaves which can be put up like a collar, or can be draped down over her shoulders or back)
#gw2#sylvari#artgallery#mourynn#mourynn art#I've just been so tired lately bc of work#also just going a bit stir crazy with the silence (lonely; but alas I unfortunately suck at starting convos bc I have nothing interesting t#talk about and work has been draining my social energy; making it even harder :( (I'd rather burn the social energy with friends yknow?)#it's getting a wee bit better; but I haven't had much time or energy to even game while we're in the midst of our busiest season :(#I miss hanging out and chatting with my buds; but the universe insists on keeping us apart :(#just miss having something to look forward to throughout my day. Been trying to fill it with other things; but the depresso is overriding i#Mostly just been me with my thoughts and that is just bad bc I got so many horrors in there lmao.#I wanna at the very least; draw more or game more to distract from it; but work is sapping all my time and energy from it.#but also it's very quiet on my end and it's kicking my overthinking into overdrive so I#Ive just been fighting with my mind lately lmao#hopefully this will all pass soon so I won't obsessively keep thinking about it loll#lol I'd post this in the servers but it's vent art so it feels a bit weird to do; so it's going straight to home video w/o a theater releas#hopefully once work calms down it'll help#(I have so many long shifts makes me so frustrated bc I hate them and I run out of steam half way through)#other than all that I'm doing fine lol. My brain's always been like this; But I usually only get like this during the winter season#(bc of the holidays making everything quiet and also the SAD) so it feels weird having this exact same feeling happen to me in July lol
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pokemon is the interest i get a lot out of fandom and socialization with, vocaloid is the thing i like to enjoy on my own, and kaf/kamitsubaki is somewhere in the middle
#kiki was here#kiki.txt#ive been a tad quiet recently but i still talk with my friends from kamitsubaki fandom#an eng fandom has finally sprang up#a small one but an actual fandom instead of a small gc with me and some friends#and i just dont think i jive with it somehow#i mostly just listen to kaf quietly on my own these days#but i love her and i love my friends who love her#our gc is like a mini fandom#and occasionally i peek out from my circle into fanwork and whats going on out there#unlike vocaloid where i have no idea what the fandom is doing at any time
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Fully dressed, cry in the bath Iām still a child Pick me up, reuse me ātil the glue melts apart From the heat of the argument
#Tiny blue š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ#no theyāre like 14 here but still#blue phantom#the blue phantom#DuckTales#ducktales 2017#dt17#duckverse#wackyās art#gyro gearloose#mad ducktor#Madfen royalty au#uagh this song reminds me a lot of them#rambly backstory time because I just got it figured out <3#yknow being an emotional person while also not being allowed to have emotions and *also* being a kid was hard#they broke a lot of stuff and caused a lot of problems#finally when they were 10 they accidentally uhh tore their house down#their mom said thatās it youāre done and sent them to live with their aunt and uncle#they were the youngest of eight and very quiet so they didnāt get a lot of attention and they were mostly seen as a burden#but then nobody else wanted them because. their magic yknow.#they were passed around a lot from relatives to old friends to whoever until they ended up with quackfaster when they were 16#and that lasted a miraculous two years#until the beginning of over my head#the only person whoād wanted them before that was their grandparents actually#but they were old and couldnāt physically keep handling with blueās breakdowns#Also why blue never introduces themself with their last name because theyāve been with so many people#Most of whom they want to forget their time with#so they just say they donāt have one#until they get their title :3#wackys art
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#sunny and hot outside today#rather quiet except for the birdsong#i know itās august but it feels like summer#just woke up from a sleep paralysis nap lmao#dreamt i was too high to move#but people/ my phone kept informing me i was failing all my classes again šš#and i was so guilty cuz iād spent all my time drinking and smoking instead of studying#not what happened irl btw#i actually still tried when i was at uoft i was simply too unwell for the workload š brain getting confused#imma shower wash the dishes get lunch then practice bass#the audio interface i ordered is awesomesauce but iām completely broke the rest of this month š„²#also bass is really difficult#i guess starting anything is#picking it up is supposed to be easy compared to other instruments but i only have piano to compare to#and iāve been playing piano since i was four#mostly iām just frustrated iām not good at it right away#like usual#told my mates id actually learn to play over the break so i gotta lock in#still absolutely shite#band never gonna happen at this point#new school term starting soon i canāt wait to have a proper schedule to follow again#and i wanna hang out with my friends#idk what to do about The Issue but i suppose thereās no issue#life shall proceed and weāre still friends#who give a shit#feelings are internal and incorporeal and can stay that way how tf they gonna screw anything up unless u let them#think things r gonna be ok#smiley face emoji
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HOLD ON WAIT UP HOLD THE PHONE
I KNOW I WAS GONE FOR A FEW MONTHS THERE BUT HAS BLUE LIKE DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME ALWAYS BEEN A PART OF A SERIES OR IS THAT A NEW DEVELOPMENT???
I FEEL LIKE ITS CHRISTMAS ALL OVER AGAIN FUCK Y E A H
Okay so
I...
have been cooking
by which I mean illusions of grandeur and
schemes
And I have not been forthcoming lol Everyone kind of disappeared all at the same time so I kind of stopped talking about what I'm doing but I have been biding my time, quietly putting mechanisms into motion and plotting and occasionally cackling over my cauldron.
I finished the first draft of Blue like don't forget about me and didn't like it so I cut out all the sci-fi fantasy stuff (bye bye aliens farewell superpowers) and in November wrote a new first draft that's all contemporary romance babeee and I'm so in love with it I'm turning it into a little 3-part (possibly 4 if I can't control myself) series.
The original childhood years have been split off into a prequel novella called Red like my bleeding heart in your hand. Then Blue like don't forget about me will take place 20 years later. Nash works at Cherished Hope Nursing Home
āAnd what is it you do? At the nursing home, I mean.ā I wipe shit off of old people. And Teddyās a hockey player. Whatās Luke, an underwear model? He shouldnāt have come.
Teddy comes back to town for a funeral and
Teddy looks at him for the first time in twenty years and every ounce of warmth leaves his expression. Message received. He should not have come.
OKAY SO AND THEN the next book will be Jo's POV and is called Violet like these delights. and MAYBE there will be a 4th from Luke's POV bc he gets to live this time by the grace of god (me) but it'll depend on how Violet goes (its current state is mostly vibes and a single overarching theme so, stand by).
Red needs a clean-up round of edits to snip out the few little threads that connected it to OG blue. And rewritten blue is basically done. I've done the major revisions and am about to start line edits and after those are done I'm sending it out to beta readers (lmk if you're interested).
There are concise actual summaries in my pinned post btw lol
WHICH REMINDS ME
The series title is Wildflowers of Deliverance. Which I'm extremely proud of. Did you notice did you notice how each title incorporates a wildflower did you did you? and the town they grew up in where Nash and Teddy first met is called Deliverance!!! It's okay I know I'm a genius.
And this brings us to the meal okay? because like I said I've been Cookingā¢ quietly but steadily for a few months now. ANd what have I been cooking? PLOTS and PLANS
I've decided on a pen name: Sarah B. Elisa
I've created a(nother) side blog for it that will be exclusively centered on my og writing and geared more toward readers rather than writers like this blog is: @sarahbe-writing
I'm going to create a website (as soon as I convince myself to spend money)
and a newsletter (as soon as I convince myself to spend money and do work)
I'm still waffling between trad publishing and DIY. I really like all my hats and it would be a shame to have to share them but oh my god I don't want to do all the marketing but trad pub seems hit or miss on how well they market you so I might get half of my hats taken away and still have to do the marketing bullshit UGH
anyway
OH YEAH and the OG draft I wrote for Blue? I'm going to spin it back to its OG OG roots [parkner, naturally--Return of The childhood friends to estranged almost lovers to super-powered rivals to reluctant allies to friends to lovers finally wip!!! AKA: We Were Gods (we were kids)] and that will fix all the things that went wrong and I didn't like ļæ½ļæ½ so it's basically like double Christmas I think
#i have been#a tad reluctant to use the tag list#since because I scrapped the whole plot and genre and started over#feels like a teensie bit of a betrayal?#so idk i think i need to make a post (way fucking shorter than this one) and tag everyone and see who still wants to be tagged in stuff?#or maybe im close enough to the finish line i shouldn't do tag list stuff anymore? I'm kind of wary of oversharing bc#i totally did before#and the word count is smaller now#and there aren't like Plot Twists#it's a romance we all know how this is gonna end#so idk that's mostly why i've been quiet like haha what should i say and to who?#But anyway this weekend I'm going to get my shit together and put up some posts and get the ball rolling again#share some excerpts#get people excited#put out a call for beta and sensitivity readers#you know. work lol#also i missed you and i'm glad you're back <3333#my notes were sooooo quiet lol#and i don't just mean on my writing stuff i love seeing all of your tags in my activity like Yay that's my friend!! And they're yellin!!!#we love to see it <3#anyway#:)
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Also since I am being too personal and there is a slim chance one or two members from that old college friend group might see this, in bombshell news Ren and I are no longer friends, and Ren and Fed (now Fae) are divorced. Ren and I ended late December 2022, so it's been 1.5 years and I am finally, finally starting to feel better.
In my version, I couldn't emotionally support Ren through their divorce anymore, and I needed a break from talking about it literally 4x a week. They found out I talked to Fae about the divorce after I set that boundary with them (because that was the third time Fae ever asked for insight about the divorce, and it was still almost too much) and Ren ghosted me! My best friend of seven years ghosted me because I set a boundary and wasn't capable of emotionally supporting them anymore. We literally talked every single day for our whole friendship before that point.
After 2 months of occasionally reaching out to them and getting radio silence, I ended our friendship. The ending was mutual in the last conversation we had.
#Shit sucks#I was literally planning on having them as a life partner and living with them since I was 18#But it happens#And honestly my life is a lot better now#I never really felt like I could be happy around them or talk about my life when it was good because they were always so sad#And they were always having a really really hard time#And I wanted to support them but I didn't want to be in a hard spot myself#And it felt like we could only connect on shitty things#By the end I did not recognize them at all#And from how they have acted and what they have said after and how they see themselves is just#I have no idea who this person is#And I never realized how much they hid from me#That friendship ending is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do#That was all of my 2023 just recovering from that friendship ending#I went to therapy specifically because of it#Anyway#I've wanted to kind of let people who knew us know but I can't do that lol#So talking into the void feels good#But losing Ren and Fyo devastated me#I still talk to Julia P Fae and Olwen though#I love all of them a lot and I am really happy we are still friends#Celestia says stuff#It honestly was a bit of a blessing that they ghosted me even though it was utterly devastating and broke my heart like nothing else#Because any other ending would have been so much harder#It was (mostly) clean and quiet and quick#And I just don't think we could have been friends anymore with how they were acting and treating people#So
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my friend & i watched the lesbian movie saving face the other night & it was like š ok like. u could tell it was made by a lesbian u know so i appreciate that. however. it was sooooo depressing. and not even like the lesbians actually. the main characterās mother was just one of the most depressing characters i have ever seen in my life š like it was like having the soul sucked out of meā¦ā¦we were both like this is actually draining fr
#michelle speaks#the whole time i was like she should just abort this baby & maybe she wouldnāt be so depressed š#like if u think u understand this u donāt. i have legit never seen such a depressed character ever š#and the whole movie was so quiet and was honestly mostly abt the mother. who was so depressed all the time š#when we finished my friend was like i thought this was going to be a rom com but it definitely didnāt have the comedy part š#sorry for ending all my tags that emoji i will try to do better. anyway. the moral truly was abort that baby lolā¦..#i mean it wasnāt sheās happy at the end. but i would argue she wouldnāt have been depressed at all if she just got an abortionā¦..#i mean i was legit pausing this movie going GET AN ABORTION every 10 mins š©#couldnāt even appreciate the lesbian romance if iām being honest š
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i know my cat knows i love him but does he know how much?
#this question haunts me#I'm literally cryinc bc it's a 'holiday' (but also fuck thanksgiving it really is and should be a national day of mourning for indigenous#communities to honor the genocide and the continued violence they face bc of american white supremacy and colonialism)#but like i do have nostalgic ties frkm childhood and im thinking abt how weird life has been#since my mom and I REALLY started growing apart (bc i started to understand things and she started spiraling)#but how none of my holidays feel lonely even whem i mostly spend then alone bc my cat almost always snuggles with me the whole time#like okay yeah this is what its all for in the end#this is what i live for lol#anyway that holiday talk sounded sad but actually it's really happy#when i tried to do holidays w the immediate fam i used to stress a lot and usually experienced something traumatic#so like it's so nice to have quiet peaceful holidays with my angel of a cat who's been here thru it all#the first time he headbutted me was when i came home from my mom's on Thanksgiving the last year i spent it with hwr#idk i just love this lil dude. hes neen a constant for almost 7 years now like wow#also sometimes i hang out w friends or facetime friends after their fam gatherings or friends who also dont celebrate#i was interested in going to an indigenous day of mourning march however i am still feeling pretty awful after my root canal 2 days ago#so i will try to go next year
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#i was hanging out with the other first year students yesterday#and it was super fun!#but then someone made the comment about how they hate seeing people with non astro backgrounds (ex: computer science/engineering/ect)#get into astro programs because those people are taking spots away from astro majors (their words not mine)#and i don't think the comment was about me#because everyone is really nice when i talk to them#but they also know i am someone with a non-astro background#so i was just really quiet and felt very awkward in that moment#so idk#like i know i deserve to be here (otherwise i wouldn't have gotten into the program)#but i sort of feel like shit because they think people like me have taken spots away from them#especially because i have been having a mild crisis about not knowing the same basic things as everyone else seems to#(because of my non-astro background)#and sometimes i do still doubt that everyone likes me#mostly because there are some times i can't interpret the meaning behind what people say in response to the things i say#(mostly when i'm trying to be funny)#and i can't tell how people interpret me all of them time yet#<- as in i can't tell if they have gathered that i'm autistic or if they just think i'm strange in a bad way#idk i'm just annoyed about that comment + the fact that there's been a couple comments about me that feel infantilizing?#but i'm also not sure?#again the autism <- idk how to interpret the meaning#like i got comments that were something along the lines of āaw precious baby/childā#when i said i didn't know what some website was that you can post your academic stats + grad school acceptances/rejections#and that scooby doo used to scare me when i was a literal child (but it doesn't anymore)#any everything i'm venting about is so minor and so meaningless and so something i wouldn't really think much about/very easily let go#if i wasn't already feeling like shit because i woke up too late to take my adderall and now i've done literally nothing all day#and i'm very frustrated with myself#and i very much miss my friends from home#and i cannot stop thinking about them because most of them were my grad school friends at my old college#and now i'm making new grad school friends
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So, I'm trans. And several years ago, I was at my great grandfather's funeral. 17, newly on T, barely out to anyone other than my close friends and family. And I'm standing there at the refreshment's table, surrounded by strangers and members of my family's church, when George walks up to me.
This man is ancient, bent like a finger and frail. Tufts of white hair surround his wrinkled face. Like always, he's wearing thick glasses, massive hearing aids, and his veteran's hat. George was my first introduction to the concept of war, when he told me as a child why he was missing two fingers on his hand. He's been a fixture at church since I can remember. I've only ever seen him at there or in uniform at parades, the rest of his time spent in a nursing home somewhere. He picks up a deviled egg and says, in his quiet voice,
"You know, before your grandfather died, he told me that now he had 3 grandsons."
I'm frozen in place. I don't know what to say to that, if I should say anything at all. This is not a conversation I expected to have, especially not with this man. But he continues.
"I didn't know what he meant! So he explained it to me."
And I can imagine it. My great grandfather, uninformed and opinionated but supportive, explaining to his friend the news he barely understood himself over after-service coffee and cookies. His eldest grandchild was now a boy.
"And, you know, I didn't know what to think."
Here, George looks me up and down. This 90-something year old war veteran, who knew me mostly as the little girl playing in the church kitchen with his wife, processing what my great grandfather had really meant. It feels like a long pause, even thought it probably passed in a second.
"But you look good. So, eh!"
And then he smiled, shrugged, and walked away without another word. If I was fine, if I was happier, then that's all that mattered.
George passed away this week, at the age of 99. This memory has been bouncing around in my head for a while, but I wasn't sure if or how I should share it. It was a conversation that meant very little, but also meant the world. It was scary, and funny, and the moment when I realized that sometimes the people you least expect will accept you. Sometimes, even if they don't fully understand, even if they barely know you, someone will choose to support you. And that will always matter.
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the "it" couple
masterlist
requests are open
summary: you and Rafe being the hottest couple on the island
word count: 1.3k.
warnings: established relationship, mentions of sex, mentions of nude pictures, Rafe is reader's first everything, you're both lovesick
a/n: my obsession with soft and painfully in love Rafe is not curable at this point. but like could you imagine having him all to yourself?? ughhh the things i'd let him do to meš©
Everyone knew that there are couples that, at first glance, give you the impression that they just have really good sex. Like they are so hot and perfectly compliment each other, with a certain vibe oozing out of them, especially when they are together.Ā
You and Rafe were that couple.Ā
Before you started dating, no one ever considered that two polar opposites like you might even coexist. You were a kook, but still completely different from Rafe and his little gang. You were pretty, but more on the quiet side, never showing off or bothering anybody.
Rafe, on the other hand, was mean and sarcastic to everyone and everything. It was a good thing that you put him in his place the first time he talked to you, making it clear that you are not having his shit. And also making Rafe instantly interested and following you like a puppy.
You were annoyingly teasing and flirting with each other, and everyone tried not to get involved in whatever was going on. It was your first experience with a guy, because before that, nobody was really making their shots, or, at least, you never paid enough attention to notice it, choosing to focus on yourself. But with Rafe, it felt fun and so damn easy.Ā
Your first kiss set everything in its place because you finally gave in to your hidden emotions. It made sense why you were always arguing and pestering each otherāyou simply craved attention from one another and it was the easiest way to get it.Ā
Surprisingly, Rafeās rough edges softened, especially around you, and he was so affectionate and craved you around him 24/7. Though, knowing that youāve never been in relationships before, he never pushed you to do anything, just following your pace.Ā
But after your first time happened in the third month of dating, after the ice melted and your insecurities fully disappeared, Rafe almost got another version of his girlfriend.Ā
If he thought that you couldnāt be better, then he was wrong.Ā
He never understood his friends who said that they had to almost beg their girlfriends to have sex, mostly because Rafe had never been in actual relationships before. But it made even less sense for him because you, seemingly, had the same energy and high sex drive as him.Ā
The first few times may have been slightly awkward with you still learning and trying to understand your own body, but once you got confident, you became unstoppable.Ā
Whether it was early morning, the middle of the day, or way past your bedtime, you were ready to have sex right away, straddling Rafe's legs or luring him into a kiss while your hands slipped under his pants.Ā Ā
It was crazy how much you both wanted each other. It was a perfect fucking match to have someone with exactly the same needs. You probably have been bent over every single flat surface in the house and not a single room was safe from the two of you. He wanted you all to himself and he could go hours just worshiping your body and fucking you into bliss.Ā
You were almost glued together, never coming to an event alone. Rafe was so obsessed with the way you looked, with your smell, and with the feeling of your skin on his, so he always had to touch you one way or another. His friends teased him that he was absolutely pussy whipped for you and he had never denied it. They also started calling you Mrs. Cameron because you acted like a married couple and neither of you were against that nickname.
To say more, the idea of that made Rafe so feral for you, so he didnāt let you get out of bed the following day. Not that you complained, though.
Rafe loved sneaking out with you. Whenever you two had to visit a gala with your families, he always snatched you from the main room to drag you to the bathroom or another hidden place to have a quickie or to burry his head under your dress because you were too hot to resist. Yeah, maybe other people noticed it, giving you their usual politely awkward smiles, but neither of you care.Ā
On his birthday, you gave him the best fucking gift, which was a stack of your naked polaroid pictures. You were really nervous to do that, thinking that Rafe might react differently, but he reminded you once again why he was your perfect match. After looking through the photos several times, he literally attacked you, throwing you back on the bed and giving you the best orgasms of your life.Ā
Since that day, one of the less explicit pictures of your ass has been placed in his wallet.
You were officially the āitā couple on the island, with everyone either admiring or being jealous of that spark, which never seemed to diminish. Everyone saw the way the Rafe Cameron gave you heart eyes, soft smiles and gentle kisses. The way he held you close to himself, protecting you, taking care of you, and treating you like a queen.
Some people told you that it was only the excitement of a new relationship, but after a few years of dating, with a promise ring on your finger, it was still there. You still craved each other's touch; you still craved being together whenever it was possible, always going on dates and trips, attending all of Kookās events, but mostly spending lazy days in your shared house. Sex was even better than beforeāmore passionate, fun, hot and full of unconditional love.
Despite the gossip on the island, Rafe didn't get āboredā of you. No, over time, he became addicted to you because you felt like home, and there was nothing better than being with you.Ā
He didn't need any other women. And he still couldn't grasp the idea of cheating. If he had you, then why on earth would he do that? Every time he came home, the best person in the world and the best sex of his life were in that exact location, so he never complained about anything.
You were his afrodisiac and whether you were in full glam, in a bikini on the beach or in his old t-shirt with messy hair, he couldnāt just keep his hands to himself and not kiss the air out of you.Ā
He liked how you stayed at home, doing whatever you wanted and treating yourself while he worked. You always greeted him with homemade food, but more importantly, you acted as if you had not seen him in months.
You were waiting on the porch or finishing up in the kitchen, but when you saw him, you ran and jumped into his arms and pulled him into a kiss. It always melted Rafeās worries and bad mood away, as his shoulders sagged in relief from being in your arms again.Ā
You always ended up in your bedroom, with you on or under him, while your hands were tugging at each otherās closes. Rafe knew that it would eventually end up with him finally putting a baby in youāsomething that more and more flooded his mindābut for the foreseeable future, he first had to officially make you his Mrs. Cameron.
And the red box with the big ass diamond ring, which was currently sitting in the drawer, was just waiting for the perfect moment.Ā Ā
#rafe x reader#rafe cameron imagine#rafe outer banks#rafe x you#rafe fanfiction#rafe imagine#rafe fic#rafe cameron x reader#rafe obx#rafe cameron fluff#rafe cameron fic#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe cameron x you#obx rafe cameron#rafe cameron x female reader
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What people don't tell you about the Healing Journeyā¢ļø is that it's very similar to mental wellness journeys. It's not linear, there's still trauma to unpack, you'll be sad sometimes. Sometimes you'll feel really hurt about the past. The thing is, just like mental wellness journeys, you need to learn to treat yourself right when you get like that. You have to give yourself the space to feel those emotions, to handle them, to move on when it's time to move on to something else instead of wallowing in that. You need to know what to do to love yourself at your lowest and feed your inner child. Feed your soul. Don't beat yourself up when you're trying to live your best life and suddenly feel like shit or remember bad things that make you sad. You're a human being and you're supposed to feel those things. Healing is not linear. Mistakes will be made. Sadness comes and goes. And that's okay.
#mostly for myself#I'm in my Healing Era but some days I just get down right inconsolable for no reason#It's the Traumaā¢ļø I know but still#I'm doing great for myself rn#it's just hard to keep growing and feeling like the other shoe will drop at any moment#it's terrifying and frustrating#But I allow myself to feel that#I was thinking about other people and how they also get upset that they aren't magically healed and happy 24/7#Folk...the depression is there to stay if it's been more than a year#you gotta manage it#you have to treat it like a sad friend who needs to be cared for#That's how you should treat yourself when your mind will not quiet itself from that trauma#vent#personal
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š¦šš¦š š² š©šš©š - š„š§. š (& šØš©. šš)
summary: you and lando are blessed with a beautiful baby boy. content warning: fluff, humor, slightly suggestive at times, and mainly crack/shitpost energy. reader owns & works in her bakery in monaco. images used are not mine. pairing: lando norris x fem!black!reader (& platonic oscar pastry) genre: smau & written fic combination (it's a longgg one)
author's notes: y'all i'm warning you i took it too far this time. it's long aslllll. but it might be the best thing i've ever offered to f1 tumblr in my entire career.
grab a snack, drink, and tuck yourself into a comfortable position xxx
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imessage ā¢ preseason 2023
Thatās how you find yourself outside of the MTC in the mid-morning two days later. Youāre mildlyā¦exhausted, after commandeering the kitchen in Landoās Silverstone flat to make a sickening amount of banana bread to feed all of McLaren. After tipping your Uber to the MTC double what the ride costs (for allowing you to stuff his car with a hundred pounds of your decadent treat and helping you unload them into the lobby), youāre greeted with warm welcomes and hungry eyes from the staff. Eager to eat, theyāre quick to find you a couple of carts to help you move all the banana bread to the communal area. Youāre walking backward to make sure none of your sliced loaves fall, smiling with all the workers as they follow you through the building. Setting up shop, you hand out your sliced banana bread, chatting and catching up with everyone as they sing praises over your sweet treat. Word travels around the MTC quickly when it comes to you bringing baked goods and it comes as no surprise to you when you see a perplexed and overwhelmed Oscar Piastri join the line. Youāre bursting with excitement and anticipation by the time heās picking up his slice.
āThank you for the banana bread,ā Oscar expresses softly, his smile boxy.
āOh, of course,ā you dismiss his gratitude lightly, struggling to keep your cuteness aggression at bay, āIāve been doing this for the factory since Lando joinedāand I figured it would be a good welcoming gift for you!ā
āWaitāare you Landoās girlfriend?ā Oscar chokes on his bite of bread.
You rush forward to pat his back, ordering for someone to get him a glass of water; you would hate to be responsible for the death of Mclarenās rookie driver. When his airways are cleared, you exchange proper greetings and you are quick to make sure Lando has been treating him well.Ā
āHonestly, I shouldāve known it was youā Oscar chuckles, āLando cannot stop talking about you. Zak had to establish a rule that only allowed him to mention you two times an hour.ā
āThat must have been rough for him,ā you snort dryly, āthe rule was five times an hour last year. Anyways, Oscarāwho do you main on Mario Kart? This could make or break our friendship.ā
You find yourself enamored with Oscar as the conversation goes on. He stands and keeps you company as you continue to hand out banana bread. Itās mostly you doing the talking; Oscarās quiet, a man of few words but he listens well. He has a sarcastic sense of humor that is similar to Landoās yet completely different: Landoās jokes are loud, Oscarās are hushed. Heās humble, shy even, flustering when you lightly tease him. Youāre well past having Oscar as your friendāyouāre convinced that heās achieved little brother or son status.
āBanana Bread!ā Zak shouts as he walks up to the two of you, Lando at his side, āPlease tell me this is your homemade version?ā
āI would never settle for store-bought banana bread,ā you gasp dramatically, āItās homemade as always, Zak. This time I did my grandmotherās recipe instead of my own.ā
The CEO practically jumps with glee and rushes to grab a couple of slicesāheās only had this version of the dessert once, and swore it changed his life. Lando walks to you, pressing a kiss to your temple before nodding at Oscar.
āWhat do you think, love, āLando hums to you softly, āDid he pass the test?ā
You blink up at him and whisper, āI invited him over for dinner tonightādo you think we can use one of the printers here to print out adoption forms?ā
bahrain ā¢ 2023
After qualifying, it felt like you and Zak were the only people in the garage who remained optimistic for race day. Lando was less than pleased with placing 11th; he parroted words of positivity and hope for improvement but in the privacy of your hotel room he crumbled. He buried his face in your neck muffling just how low his expectations for this season are. You tried to convince him it was too early in the seasonāthe first race weekendāto make that decision but, he was too in his feelings to see reason.Ā
Oscar was disappointed in himself for placing 18th. When he took off his helmet after returning to the garage, you could see the doubt in his skills lingering through his eyes. You pulled him to sit with you as you continued to wait for the second session to begin and gently reassured him that this wasnāt an accurate representation of his skills; Formula One is a massive change from Formula Two. Oscar nodded at your reassurance but you could tell he was still freshly in shock at his āterribleā performance so your logical advice wasnāt believed.Ā
On race day, however, you found your positivity dip as well. Oscar DNFād on lap 13 and rage filled the spot that optimism used to inhabit. The Australian was handling his retirement better than you were; he brushed off everybodyās apologies and went straight to reviewing his data and watching Landoās raceāyou, however, wanted to snap at any of his mechanics that walked by. It wasnāt like Landoās race was any better if you could call what he was doing a race. Slow pit stops, six pit stops at that, the fast lap gamble failure, finishing last, and being two laps down from the race leaderā¦Zak took one glance at you and quickly made himself scarce.
You rode back with both of the boys to the hotel and nearly cried for them with how down the mood was. On the walk to your rooms, Oscar attempted to exchange goodbyes with you and Lando before you cut him off.
āUh-uh, nope,ā you shook your head, āI pre-ordered dinner for us. Come eat?ā
Oscar stuttered, āO-oh? I donāt want to intrudeāā
āOscar Jack Piastri,ā both he and Lando winced at the sound of his full name, āIām not going to let either one of you go to bed on an empty stomach. Youāre going to eat dinner with me and Lan and youāre going to drink several glasses of water so I can make sure youāre properly rehydrated. Understood?ā
āI would love to have dinner with you guys,ā Oscar blinked at you in fear, āAlso, how do you know my middle name?ā
You laughed as you unlocked the door, holding it open for both of the boys as you walked in, āI had a wonderful conversation with your mother, of course.ā
āWhen did you meet my mom?!ā
australia ā¢ 2023
You were on the edge of losing your voice as you screamed and cheered with Nicole Piastri and Adam Norris for both of the McLaren boys and their double points finishes. The two drivers finishing in the midfield felt like the team had figured something out for Oscarās home race (if you ignored how almost half of the drivers retired their cars). The Piastriās invited everyone to a local restaurant to celebrate Oscarās first points in Formula One, but before you and Lando headed out, the two of you nearly lost your minds.
The two of you forced him to pose with his car and take several pictures with it, strongly suggesting that he smiles big and wide for the camera. Fernando and Lewis walked by and burst into laughter, claiming that you and Lando were treating Oscar like a child. So, obviously, the two of you committed to the bit. You guys cooed and called Oscarās name, clapping and jumping to pretend like he was a toddler whose attention needed to be grabbed to have him look at the camera. The rookie cringed in embarrassment, cheeks burning red as he tried to convince you guys to stop making a fuss over him.
Lando gasped, sickened at Oscarās words, āOscar! How could you say such a thing to your mother and me? We only want to celebrate our boy!ā
You nodded furiously in agreement, nearly breaking character at the dumbfounded look that rose to the Australianās face.
āWhat the fuck,ā Oscar blurted out, yet he continued to smile for your camera.
āOh my god!ā You said appalled, āLando did you teach our son that foul language?! I told you not to curse in front of the baby!ā
instagram ā¢ bakewithyn ā¢ april 6th ā¢ melbourne ā
liked by, oscarpiastri, landonorris, mclaren, markwebber, and 413,257 others
bakewithyn: happy birthday oscar š„³ thereās no birthday gift like scoring your FIRST EVER POINTS in f1 at your HOME race but !!! iām super happyyy you enjoyed the šØ cookies i made for you (lando helped ig š) š¤š¤š¤
tagged oscarpiastri
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š yninstagram ps! these are limited edition cookies at my bakery for oscar piastri day!!! first come first serve until sell out! all proceeds go to the australian koala foundation as it was oscarās personal request š
ā„ user charitable king shit fr š
ā„ user FUCK i wish i was rich enough to visit/live in monaco
ā„ user don't worry, they're nearly sold out already and the bakery opened three hours ago !!!!
nicolepiastri these were so tasty! i wish i had your baking skills
ā„ yninstagram tysm mama piastri !!! i'm blushing
ā„ user mama piastri???? im crying
user the koala photo with the bow š©
ā„user what r u talking about?? i only see a picture of oscar with a bow?
ā„ user fr i only see oscar šµāš«
user "lando helped ig" what did he do? look pretty the entire time you baked LMAO
ā„ landonorris actually i was allowed to put the ingredients in the bowls AND preheat the oven too š¤
ā„ landonorris and i always look pretty wtf
ā„ user omg...yn gave him the toddler tasks ššš
oscarpiastri the cookies were so good! they nearly tasted better than my first points felt
ā„ yninstagram omg high praise from the man himself š¤Æ
ā„ oscarpiastri had to fight my sisters to make sure they didn't only leave me with crumbs
ā„ user oh i understand that eldest sibling battle
ā„ user my little sisters bite i think they have rabies
ā„ user oh what a shame. euthanasia is an option š¤
miami ā¢ 2023
The energy after Miami was rightfully terrible. The car is shit; Lando lost a position from where he qualified to make him P17 and Oscar maintained his P19. Itās hot, and humid, and everyone in the garage is miserable. McLaren is a family. When the boys donāt do good, everybody understands and feels their pain. Nobody likes seeing the boys with frowns on their lips and sadness in their eyes, but itās becoming a usual appearance during this season. So to turn those frowns upside down, you went on a hunt for some cold treats. You got Lando a frozen lemonade and Oscar an ice cream sandwichāitās a safe choice, you hadnāt necessarily thought about asking him what kind of ice cream he prefers.Ā
You found Oscar staring at the wall, eyes focused forward but his mind somewhere else. You tapped him gently on the shoulder, offering him a small smile when he looked at you. He tried to offer you a smile of his own but couldnāt manage to hold it for more than a couple seconds. You presented the ice cream sandwich to him and he looked at you in surprise, as if he couldnāt believe you would give it to him.
āF-for,ā his voice cracks awkwardly, āFor me?ā
You hummed, ruffling his hair and taking a seat on the couch next to him, āNo, for the King of England. Yesāfor you Oscar.ā
He thanked you shyly and quickly began to unwrap the packaging, munching away happily. You took a second to text Lando your location and inform him of the frozen lemonade waiting for him, and when you turned to look back at Oscarāthe kid was a mess. He wasnāt even a quarter of the way through the dessert sandwich and youāre convinced he managed to spill more of it than he ingested. The ice cream was painted across the lower half of his face and dripping down his handsāyou caught a drop of it with a napkin before it fell and stained his shirt.
āJesus, Oscar!ā you scolded him, āI look away for two seconds and you make a mess!ā
Oscar shrugged at you, feigning innocence, but you saw the staple redness of embarrassment begin to tint his chubby cheeks. You snapped your fingers in remembrance before you moved to rifle through your purse, Oscar staring at you with wide eyes as he continued to snack away. You exclaimed in delight, showing off a pair of wet wipes you remembered to bring with you. Oscar accepted the offered wipes and you watched carefully to make sure he removed all the smudges of ice cream from his hands and face.
āHi, lovely girl,ā Lando approached you, throwing himself onto the sofa next to you. He gave you a soft kiss on the lips and temple before grabbing his now lemonade slushy and taking a look at Oscar.
āWoah, mate,ā Lando teased, āDid you lose in a fight against the ice cream sandwich?ā
Oscar rolled his eyes and ignored Lando as he finished cleaning up. Once he was done, you gathered all of the dirty wipes on the table to be thrown away. You and Lando both watched Oscar as he ate the rest of his snack in fear of another mess occurringāand, then you had a bright idea. Leaning forward, you took a dry napkin and tucked it into the collar of his McLaren polo, creating a makeshift bib.Ā
āLando, remind me to get our son ice cream in a cup from now on!ā
twitter ā¢ may 14th
instagram ā¢ landonorris ā¢ may 23rd ā¢ monte carlo ā
liked by, bakewithyn, charlesleclerc, fernandoalonso, and 502,113 others
landonorris: does it still count as a date night if your boy and his best friend are building legos in the next roomš¤Ø
tagged bakewithyn, oscarpiastri, logansargeant
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user "your boy" WTF DOES THAT MEAN ā¼ļøā¼ļøā¼ļø
user they're building legos before the race weekend starts š¤§
user has oscar been staying with lando since last week?
ā„ user i thought he was just sleeping over for one night š§
adamnorris does this make me a grandfather?
ā„ user what the hell is happening
ā„ landonorris um? surprise haha š
bakewithyn it's a great date night! it's comforting knowing ozzy's in the next room over
ā„ bakewithyn i have separation anxiety :)
ā„ landonorris me too omg this was my best idea ever
ā„ user this is like a reverse 13th reason- it's like my 1st reason i'm glad to be alive
ā„ user ozzy š«
landonorris logan and osc just went silent. chat, should i be worried?
ā„ user i'll bet my life savings that one of them has a lego shoved up their nose š¬
ā„ user when kids go quiet it's never good !!!!
qatar ā¢ 2023
You cried an embarrassing amount of times this weekend. Your son won his first sprint race in his Formula One career, and his fatherāyour boyfriendāwas up there on the podium with him to celebrate. It seems like you have to make another special dessert for your bakery to celebrate both of your boys, but you can worry about brainstorming ideas when you stop crying into Andrea Stellaās shoulder in the middle of the pit lane. Youāre sure that your face will be posted all over Twitter in a couple of hours.
A part of you wished that Lando had won the sprint race, just as he probably wanted the same thing. But, as both of you made eye contact with each other over Oscarās head, the Australian rambling endlessly as he hugged his trophy on your hotel room floor, both of you knew that there was no better outcome this weekend than Oscar getting a taste of victory. Landoās win will come in due time. A P2, P3 finish on Sunday was just the proof everyone needed of McLarenās improvement and the threat they may pose to Red Bull next year.Ā
sĆ£o paulo ā¢ 2023
You had the Grand Prix playing on your phone as you did some prep work for the bakery. The race ended and you couldnāt help but feel happy, yet relieved for the race to be over for different reasons. Lando had a wonderful drive today, and Oscar had the opposite; you were just glad it wasnāt a DNF for him.
You had only just begun wiping down the counters when the sound of the post-race show is interrupted by the ringtone you have set for Oscar. You paused quickly, scooping your phone up to answer.
āHi, Ozzy,ā you cooed gently, āHow are you feeling? Sorry about your race buddy, that was unfortunate.ā
āIt happens, I guess. I feel like shit, mostly. Like I let the team down.ā
āNo way, Oscar! Youāre not letting anybody down. Your race result today wasnāt the result of your skills, it was the result of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was a racing incident. If anybody tells you differently, let me know. Iāll rip their vocal cords out.ā
Oscarās laugh crackled through the receiver. āYes, mum. Iāll let you know. I really want some of your chocolate chip cookies, theyāre the perfect bad race remedy.ā
āWell, Iām flying out in a few hours to meet you guys in Brazil so I can celebrate Landoāsāsorry, excuse meāyour fatherās birthday with him. I think there may be some time for me in my schedule to make some cookies with you.ā
āReally? We should make some for Lando too! Wait, before you leave, I left his birthday giftāā
āāIn our apartment, I remember! I already packed it in my luggage, I wouldnāt forget.ā
āYouāre the best, seriously.ā
āMhm, I know. Also, we should share some of these cookies with Charles too, his radio message made me cry.ā
āOkay, he can have one cookie.ā
āOscar Jack,ā you said dryly.
āYes, sharing is caring or whatever. He can have like...two.ā
instagram ā¢ bakewithyn ā¢ november 13th ā¢ las vegas ā
liked by, mclaren, landonorris, f1, oscarpiastri and 353,764 others
bakewithyn: happy birthday to lando norris. he's a pretty cool guy, a great dad, and the perfect boyfriend. love you lots, baby, and i'll love you forever xxx
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user wait is this a pregnancy announcement šØ
user this is giving engagement reveal
charlesleclerc bro. if i didn't know you guys i would think your caption was serious š£
ā„ bakewithyn get pranked LOL XD
ā„ user oh i feel like i just got catfished
ā„ user wait so lando didn't propose nor did he put a baby in her š
ā„ user I WANTED A BABY NORRIS
ā„ user oscar exists? he's literally their child
oscarpiastri no fr i thought i was about to learn i had a sibling otw from this post
ā„ bakewithyn ozzy we would've told you???
ā„ landonorris you literally bought the card for me
ā„ oscarpiastri a boy can hope for a younger sibling can he not :(
ā„ bakewithyn so close š no you can't! hope that helps xo
ā„ landonorris sorry osc, it's your mum's decision š¤·āāļø
ā„ user does this mean lando wants an actual kid
mclaren admin was terrified ngl š
ā„ mclaren i thought you really posted an engagement and pregnancy reveal without letting me know š
ā„ landonorris sorry admin, i'll keep you in the loop in the future
ā„ user landoyn engagement soon??????
twitter ā¢ november 18th ā¢ las vegas ā
twitter ā¢ preseason 2024
miami ā¢ 2024
Lando had you pinned to the wall in his driver's room, with his hands tangled in your curls and his mouth devouring yours. Your moans are muffled into his lips as you grind against his thigh. You tried to multitask, struggling to pull his driverās suit down. Lando lifted you slightly, encouraging you to wrap your legs around his waist and neither of you cared to pull away at the sound of your foot hitting his P1 trophy and knocking it over. One of his hands fell from your hair to grasp at the smooth brown skin of your neck, his palm acting as a warm weighted choker on your throat and you broke away from the kiss to moan.Ā
āFuck, Landoāget naked,ā you whined desperately, āwe donāt have much time for you to tease me right now!ā
Lando laughed as he moved to press kisses along your jawline and behind your ear. You felt his lips part on your skin, his breath ghosting over you causing goosebumps to rise, but itās not his voice you hear.
āLando, they need us for picturesāOH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK,ā yelped Oscar, the sound of his hand smacking over his eyes reverberating around the room.
You shrieked in surprise, pushing your boyfriend away from you as you speedily readjusted your clothes. Lando positioned himself in front of you, his back facing you allowing you a little more privacy as he speedily fixed his suit around his waist.
āLearn how to knock, kid,ā Lando huffed, no shame found in his words, āYou interrupted my winning celebration.ā
You screamed in dismay, slapping the back of Landoās head and Oscar began to stumble out of the room, bumping into the doorframe as he still covered his eyes.
āYeah, knock in the future, I understand,ā Oscar sounds like heās about to cry, āI feel like I just saw my mum and dad having sex!ā
instagram ā¢ bakewithyn ā¢ may 12th ā¢ mama's house ā
liked by oscarpiastri, alexandrasaintmleux, landonorris, and 551,012 others
bakewithyn: LOOK AT MY SON š„ŗš„ŗ PRIDE IS NOT THE WORD IM LOOKING FOR š£ļøš£ļøšš (happy mother's day to all the beautiful mamas x)
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oscarpiastri did dad get you anything š
ā„ user ššš
ā„ landonorris well i would've if SOMEBODY told me we were celebrating this year š¤¬š¤¬š¤¬š¤¬
ā„ oscarpiastri i didn't know i *had* to tell you
ā„ user wowwwww lando
ā„ user shameful honestly š
markwebber happy milf day
ā„ markwebber *mother's day sorry typo
ā„ bakewithyn what the fuck ā ļøā ļøā ļø
ā„ user that was not a typo mark
ā„ user sir u are not slick LMAO
ā„ bakewithyn i mean...oscar wouldn't mind a step dad, his fatther didn't get me anything today :(
ā„ landonorris AYO BABY PLEASE š§āāļø
oscarpiastri you know what would be an even better mother's day gift? getting a puppy š¤
ā„ bakewithyn we are not getting a puppy ozzy.
ā„ landonorris should've clued me in osc i might've convinced her for you
ā„ oscarpiastri :[
monaco ā¢ 2024
Youāre about to crash THE FUCK out. At first, it was a little half-joke. Oscarās home race in Australia, his 1/16th home race in China, and his 3/16th home race in Italy. You originally thought his tweet about āsearching for his Monegasque rootsā was cute, but you didnāt expect Charles Marc Herve Perceval (Demon Spawn) Leclerc to step into your playing field.
Who the hell does he think he is? Offering to adopt your son? And, Oscar is going along with it? And, the Miami Grand Prix account making a āCertificate of Adoption?ā You started to like Miami after Lando won there; and now theyāve betrayed you. Every fan jumped on the bandwagon, thinking that this was the most adorable thing to happen. Like Oscar hasnāt been your child the minute he stepped foot into the MTC in Silverstone. Like he didnāt give you a Motherās Day present? The Monegasques have some nerve; you were close with Charles and Alex but, now theyāve encroached on your and Landoās territory. Youāre committing several murders today.Ā
You laughed hysterically when Oscar joined Lando and you for lunch, mentioning that Charles and Alex invited him to eat with the rest of the Leclercs at family dinner after qualifying. You agreed to let him but not without making sure Charles and Alex are qualified for the job. Lando also cornered you in the kitchen and persuaded you to allow Oscar to go; swaying you with the idea of a real date night. You never realized just how much time you guys spend with your son. Whenās the last time you guys had a break from being āmum and dad?" It was an appealing offer, but you were serious about clarifying expectations to the thieving couple.
twitter ā¢ may 25th ā¢ monaco
instagram ā¢ bakewithyn ā¢ may 25th ā¢ date night ā
liked by charlesleclerc, landonorris, nicolepiastri and 236,978 others
bakewithyn: a little night off from parenting was needed x
tagged landonorris
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user okay mamiiiii
user all parents deserve to relax !!!
oscarpiastri do you even miss me ā¹ļø
ā„ user damn he goin through it
ā„ charlesleclerc i literally just got him to smile and now he's crying again š
ā„ landonorris your mum and i love you lots osc
ā„ oscarpiastri :]
alexandrasaintmleux take full advantage of having no children in the house ššš
ā„ charlesleclerc leo will keep him distracted for as longggg as possible š
ā„ user lando only needs about three minutes š„±
ā„ user wow that's a really long time fr
oscarpiastri mama y papa
ā„ user mama y papa
ā„ user mama y papa
ā„ user mama y papa
instagram ā¢ landonorris ā¢ june 16th ā¢ daddy's home ā
liked by oscarpiastri, angryginge, bakewithyn and 436,812 others
landonorris: father's day done right. my child and his mother made a cake for me, family photo slide two, and my son slide three. what more can a man want.
tagged bakewithyn and oscarpiastri
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user this man never misses a chance to call himself daddy
user too fucking funny š¤øš¾āāļøš¤øš¾āāļø
bakewithyn happy father's day, daddy xxx
ā„ user OHMYGOD šš¤¢š¤®
ā„ user on my internetāļøāļøāļø
ā„ landonorris even happier now x
user this new wave of parents concerns me...
oscarpiastri the cake was good wasn't it???
ā„ landonorris it was perfect, seriously
ā„ oscarpiastri i know you both said there's no way we'd get a puppy but hear me out i've thought of something better
ā„ oscarpiastri working on giving me a younger sibling :]
ā„ user YES BABY NORRIS ā¼ļøā¼ļøā¼ļø
ā„ landonorris @/bakewithyn ?
ā„ bakewithyn ask me again in a couple of years
Ā© httpsserene2024
#f1 x reader#f1 smut#f1 smau#lando norris x reader#oscar piastri x reader#lando norris x black!reader#oscar piastri x black!reader#f1 x black!reader#lando norris fanfic#lando norris smut#lando norris fluff#oscar piastri fanfic#charles leclerc fic#oscar piastri fluff#ā” ą¼*.ļ¾ love interest: ln.#ā” ą¼*.ļ¾ love interest: op.#serene's chapters.#sereneās fave.
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Oh hey random storytime:
My mother had a dog of a fairly unusual breed, the kind breed whose existence I hadn't even heard of before the breeder became a family friend. This specific dog was a zero brain cell masterpiece specimen, so while he was fucking stupid, he had an impressive enough pedigree that it would have been a waste to not take him into dog shows, maybe win a few prizes and have him sire pups.
Anyway, this one time we were at a smaller dog show, not really an amateur one but definitely not a huge international event. It was held outdoors on a football field(?), and not only was my mom's dog the only one of his breed in the show, they had somehow completely forgot to include him in the show's schedule. We had come all the way over here to show off a dog that didn't have a time, judges, or ring for him anywhere in the plans.
So while my mother isn't the type to Demand To Speak To The Manager when something doesn't go her way, everyone was in the agreement that the fuck-up was on the show runners' side, and they were very apologetic about such an unprofessional mistake. And they did manage to find a show ring with a slot to squeeze him in, just before the next breed was about to start.
So they made a quick announcement in the ring just before the scheduled breed was going to start, and into the ring went the breeder and mom's dog. And while they were doing their little lap, surrounded by a mostly quiet, uninterested audience, I heard some random kid's faint voice asking
What happened to that one?
And it suddenly hit me how funny this whole situation must look like with no context. Mom's dog or his whole breed were not on the printed out leaflet schedule of the show, in this specific ring or otherwise. If someone showed up now, or somehow otherwise missed the announcement (which wasn't even broadcasted in any way, just yelled out over the crowd by one guy), holy shit they would be confused.
The dog breed that was booked on that spot was samoyeds. My mother's dog was a peruvian inca orchid. Imagine being at a dog show in the right place at the right time, 100% expecting to see one of those fluffy clouds on the left, and out walks the motherfucker on the right.
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COMPASS
bad boy!Sanemi ā¢ gang AU ā¢ NSFW
A/N: Peach?? Not having any self control when it comes to writing a fic?? Itās more likely than you think.
This was supposed to be a bad boy!Sanemi takes your virginity drabble that spiraled into a meta-analysis of Sanemiās self hatred that then blew up into a fic with plot. All of those elements are still present but surprise!! Enjoy 24k words of my brain rot.
Inspired by @homo-homini-lupus-est-1701 ās wonderful meta analysis of Sanemiās self hatred and his scars.
CW: 24k ā¢ explicit sexual content ā¢ MDNI ā¢ gang-related violence ā¢ mentions of blood and broken bones ā¢ mentions of murder/death ā¢ loss of virginity ā¢ creampie ā¢ vaginal fingering ā¢ some angst
I have plenty more of this AU written, so if yāall want more, just let me know š«”
There are three rules to surviving life in the Corps.
The first is simple: once youāre in, youāre in.
Never outwardly confirm or deny rumors; let others talk, but donāt even think about opening your fucking mouth about the things you see or the whispers you hear.
And donāt be stupid enough to think you can cling onto any vestiges of your old life. Thereās no splicing your life within the Corps with the one youād had before. No separation. Youāve whored yourself to their cause, and for better or worse, youāre there until either someone important says otherwise or you end up in a morgue.
This is especially true for someone like Sanemi, so hopelessly entrenched within the organization that heād allowed himself to be branded at the age of seventeen upon his ascension from rank-and-file street member to full-blown Hashira ā the elite of the Corps, just short of the higher-ups who ran it.
The hot sear of iron between his shoulder blades had hurt like hell, but it was a welcome pain. A reminder that heād not only outlived his father, but had actually made an impact, enough to be noticed and entrusted with more strenuous duties.
Each Hashira is assigned to a particular field. Uzui, silver haired, boisterous and extravagant, deals in bodies ā mostly women, but men too, and he runs all of the strip clubs and escort services west of center city. Kocho, a child prodigy in chemistry, leads an intricate narcotics network.
And then thereās Sanemi: the debt collector.
Largely monetary debts ā collecting on behalf of loan sharks, gambling debts, or that which is owed to his fellow Hashira, when their customers forget that there are no friends in business.
But the brand seared into his flesh has nothing to do with money ā it is a reminder that above all, he is to ensure debts of another kind are paid.
Life debts.
In the three years since his initiation, Sanemi has only had to carry out this oath twice. Both had been scum, responsible for the deaths of innocents.
Their executions had been quick and without fuss ā or much mess. A quick trip to an overpass abridging the Wisteria River. A march to the barrier in the dead of night, when no other cars were out and about to see or hear pleading sobs and bargains for their pathetic lives. A bullet to the head would quiet them, and Sanemi would let the rapids below take care of the clean up for him. Job done.
But even though the spray of their brains hadnāt touched him, their blood still stains Sanemiās hands.
He will never be able to wash them clean.
But this is the life he chose, so Sanemi will endure the consequences ā for the sake of his brother, the only living person on earth he gives a damn about. For whom heāll do anything ā be anyone ā if it means Genya does not have to pick up a gun and sell himself to the very gang that owns his elder brother.
The second rule is simpler: no patterns. Patterns signal comfort and comfort may as well be a target on your back, begging for someone to come and take their shot (or several).
And finally, the third and arguably the most important rule, is donāt get attached. Keep your circle small so thereās less collateral to be used against you ā against the organization that owns you.
This rule applies to both Corps members and civilians alike.
For the longest time, Sanemi Shinazugawa found Rule Three to be the easiest one to follow. He has his brother and no one else. His parents are dead; he has no friends beyond those in the Corps with him, and he knows better than to get overly invested in any of them. His inner circle is as tight as it can get.
But then heād chosen your bookstore to hide in and thatās when everything falls apart.
āFuckinā Christ,ā Sanemi mutters, anxious eyes tracking the large hand on his watch as it ticks the seconds by.
They were late.
The job was simple, and well within Sanemiās capabilities. Maeda, a local dealer in stolen goods, had run up a sizeable bill at one of Uzuiās joints that heād yet to pay. And while the slippery lech was quick to come sniffing whenever news spread that Iguro, a fellow Hashira, had managed to hijack a semi-truck full of luxury items, he was surprisingly difficult to connect with when it came time for him to pay for company he couldnāt get elsewhere.
He glanced down at his bruised, swollen knuckles and smirked. Sanemi couldnāt say he loved that his worth was measured in the number of bones he could break, or the amount of teeth he could punch out, but heād be lying if he said he didnāt relish the chance to smash the pervertās face in whenever the opportunity arose. Nor could he deny the rush of satisfaction heād felt when heād thrown open the steel door of the Maedaās small office, crowbar in hand, and watched the snot-nosed pervert piss himself, stumbling over his words as heād begged for mercy Sanemi hadnāt been hired to give.
The stupid, greasy fuck.
By the time heād finished, Maeda had been little more than a quivering, helpless lump curled in on himself on the sticky, slate floor. His office had been left in shambles, drawers yanked out and emptied, only to be thrown aside (or cracked over the verminās back as he sobbed). But heād had found the money, right down to the last dollar, just as he knew he would.
And thatās how Sanemi finds himself standing in the alley tucked behind Maedaās small warehouse, Uzuiās payment split into two rolls that heād shoved down into boots. All that was left was for the two junior Corps members heād brought along for watch to bring the car around, and then theyād return to the abandoned factory that served as their headquarters.
Normally, this would have been a solo job, and Sanemi would already be on his bike, speeding off to safety. But heād received an order to take along two, new Hinoe so they could get experience with higher level jobs.
Conveniently, his instructions had omitted the part the fact that the two lugs were utterly useless, bumbling idiots, contrary to what their recent promotions otherwise suggested.
Because neither of the two juniors are anywhere to be found. Nor is there any sound signaling that his getaway ride is approaching.
Sharp, lavender eyes scan the alley before him, but to his dismay, it remains empty ā disquietingly so.
Leave it to a couple of rookies to set his teeth on edge.
Sanemiās eyes drop down to follow the large hand of his watch as yet another minute ticks by. Itās been six minutes and their window had only allowed for four.
He knows how to be patient when the circumstances call for it, but now is not one of those times.
One minute, he decides, shifting his weight between his feet. They get one more fucking minute and then he splits ā
A sudden screech of tires at the opposite end of the alley makes his stomach flip. Sanemi looks up just in time to see his escape car grind to a sharp halt, its rear jolting up as the driver slams on the brakes.
The passenger door flings open, and one of the Hinoe stumbles out, his feet barely connecting with the pavement before the car guns away, the side door flapping open.
The familiar howl of police sirens accompanied by distant shouts is enough for Sanemi to know this simple little debt collection has now gone tits-up.
āPigs!ā The Hinoe who stumbled out of the getaway car calls to him. āPigs!ā
āShit,ā Sanemi growls. No doubt Maedaās bruised ego sold them out. He shouldāve taken the time to smash the assholeās phone.
Heāll be dealt with later ā and with relish. But right now, Sanemi needs to get the fuck away.
Part of following Rule Three means not worrying about your fellow comrades when the cops come. None of them are stupid enough to actually risk talking to law enforcement about the Corpsā operations, but the fewer of them who get caught, the better.
So Sanemi takes off, adrenaline pumping fast and jot in his veins as he hears the swine behind him split off. He canāt be sure, but he can make out two, maybe three pairs of footsteps trailing behind him.
He scowls; shaking one cop is a breeze; having to shake off three is a bitch.
He hurtles over a pile of wooden crates and shoves a stack of delivery pallets over behind him as he runs, darting down random alleys and side streets that he knows will eventually lead him to a safe house.
The backstreet he shoots down is a fork, but only the path straight through will lead him to a rust yard of abandoned warehouses and shipping containers that Sanemi knows like the back of his hand. He could lose them there, could vanish between freights and wait the bastards out, and once clear, he could slip back into the district marking the outer territory of the Silo and get back home.
Iron pumps hotly in his veins. Almost there, almost there ā
A car skids to a stop at the end of the middle ting of the alley, police lights flashing and alarms blaring.
No good.
āFuck.ā It isnāt the end of the world, but the blocking of the alley meant he had to reevaluate his escape. While heās familiar with the path now obstructed by the police cruiser ahead, he hadnāt the chance to fully scope out his only other two options ā the side streets to the left and right.
Without much thought, Sanemi darts sharply left and prays to whatever deity is listening that he hasnāt fully fucked himself.
Only one shop remains open; a tiny hole in the wall, tucked in between two old apartment buildings at the end of the street ā one that borders the cityās western wing.
Itāll have to do, he decides, especially as the police sirens grow louder with each passing second.
He explodes through the front door, wide eyed and panting. Vaguely, it registers to him that this is a bookshop ā a thankfully empty, cluttered bookshop.
But his abrupt arrival does reveal that the shop is not totally empty. There is one other ā the storeās lone employee, who startles out of her seat behind the clerkās counter, nearly knocking over a small cup of coffee.
He regards her for a moment, and she him, with matching expressions of wariness and shock at the presence of the other.
Behind him, the police sirens grow louder; more urgent.
Itās now or never. And, because heās desperate enough to try, he risks a move he knows better than to take.
āYou got someplace I can hide?ā
āā-
You blink, stunned as you stare at the frantic, pleading man anxiously looking between you and the door behind him.
His name registers dimly in the back of your mind. Here. In your store. And, evidently, on the run, if the distant echoes of police sirens growing steadily closer to your store is any indication.
Sanemi Shinazugawa.
You know him; youād known him most of your life, even if youād never spoken to him. Youād gone to the same school in your youth ā all thirteen years of it, in fact. Heād been an abrasive loudmouth in the hallways, but a quiet, even polite boy in the classroom.
You know heās from the Silo ā a worn down, derelict part of the City that housed only the poorest residents. A cruel nickname meant to mock the poverty of its population.
But the Silo was also well known for being the epicenter of operations for the notorious group known only as the Corps.
It was the Corps who owned a majority of the City, its reach extending from the Silo, through the West and East wings, and all the way into Midtown. And, as was the case with most leeches, the Corps relied on the most desperate and hungry to carry out its biddings, offering some level of protection and security for the poor souls who needed it most.
Hence, its presence in the Silo.
So you hadnāt been surprised when youād heard Sanemi had joined the Corps. Most kids from the Silo did; what had surprised you were the rumors that he became a high-rank member by the ripe age of seventeen, before heād even graduated high school.
You shudder to think what he had to have done ā what heād become ā in order to achieve such status and notoriety.
If heād been anyone else, you wouldnāt have helped; you wouldāve screamed, alerted the police to his presence, maybe even outed him as a suspected Hashira.
But you owed him.
Years ago, before either you or your siblings could drive, you all relied on the city bus to get to and from school.
But one afternoon, when youād had to stay late for a club meeting, your little sister accidentally got on the wrong bus. Rather than being dropped safe and sound a block away from home, sheād ended up in a bad part of town that just so happened to have been the stomping grounds of the scowling delinquent now shoved under your cabinet, contorted between boxes of blank receipt rolls and stacks of returns.
Had anyone else found your sister, there would be no telling what would have happened to her. The Silo was not a place known to be kind to lost little girls.
But it was Sanemi who discovered her, sniffling and red-faced at the dilapidated bus stop. And though heād been nothing more than a scrawny ten year old, heād put your sister on his back and carried her not just the six miles back to safe part of town, but the additional two that led right to the front doorstep of your parentsā home.
Youād watched him curiously from the stairs as your parents profusely thanked your sisterās white-haired savior. Theyād offered Sanemi dinner, or at least some sort of reward for his efforts, but heād only waved them off, briskly telling them it was āno big deal.ā As though carrying a six-year-old nearly eight miles was par for the course, as far as he was concerned.
His eyes had flitted over to you once during the exchange, briefly lingering before he turned and left, a single hand held up in casual farewell.
Youād been ten at the time. And now, here you are, twenty years old, running a shabby bookstore, and the opportunity to pay him back has finally arrived. The chance to show your gratitude for sparing your sister of a fate he himself, had not been able to escape.
Quickly, you motion him to you and without explanation, you cram him under the clerkās counter, holding the cabinet door shut with your knee just as the police burst through the store entrance.
There are three of them, and they do not bother announcing themselves to you. Instead, they begin to prowl through your aisles, flashlights out and guns drawn while they comb the quiet corners of the store, searching for signs of anything that did not belong; anything misplaced.
A bead of sweat slides down the back of your neck, but you keep your face and your stance casual. Below the counter you cross your fingers, hoping and praying that the criminal stuffed inside your cabinet isnāt stupid enough to try and shift.
One officer rounds back into the main part of the store and locks in on you, stiff and anxious behind the counter.āYou havenāt seen anything suspicious?ā
āIām sorry, sir. I donāt know what you mean.ā
The cop grimaces. āYou havenāt seen anyone who looks out of place? Maybe seems like theyāre running?ā
You feign an easy, sweet smile, even as the leg holding the cabinet door shut begins to tremble. āIām afraid youāre my first customer of the day, sir.ā
The officer grumbles under his breath something along the lines of not your customer, but he questions you no further. He only waves to his comrades and the three of them shuffle out through the door, one muttering into the walkie strapped to his shoulder.
Several moments pass, tense and thick. The silence is broken only by the sound of your heart hammering against your sternum. You remain still, fingers curled tight against the counterās edge listening for any sound signaling the cops have returned, that their stiff departure had been a ruse to lull you into a false sense of security, as they waited for you to reveal your deception.
But all remains quiet. And you cannot stomach the silence any longer.
āTheyāre gone,ā you mutter, finally moving aside to let the cabinet door below you swing open.
Thereās a faint thumping and a few, muffled curses as the scar-speckled fugitive unfolds himself and spills free from the under-cabinet.
In a way, Sanemi still resembles the boy of your memories. His eyes and hair have always been distinctive: a shocking contrast of violet framed by thick, dark lashes that do not match the mop of silvery-white atop his head. But itās the faint scowl he wears as he stands, the tinge of annoyance that tugs at the corners of his mouth, that scrunches his pale eyebrows, that feels familiar.
That expression, a portrait of vague irritation with the world around him, was one you came to know well ā at least, at a distance. One that remained constant even as you grew; his default.
However, it is still not nearly as memorable as the shy embarrassment that had turned his cheeks slightly pink, had made him cast his eyes down as your parents showered him with gratitude.
But that earnest bashfulness is nowhere to be found now.
He wears a patterned, short-sleeved button down. Though rumpled and a tad dirty, you suspect the top three buttons were left open intentionally, rather than being the product of whatever scuffle heād found himself in before he decided to make it your problem.
You try not to linger on the very obvious hint of the well-defined muscles revealed by his open collar. Nor do you let yourself consider the bulging mass of his biceps as he runs a hand through his cornsilk hair.
He has scars heād not had in your youth ā jagged, silvery lines that cut halfway across his cheek and forehead. Yet their presence does not dull his good looks.
A scrawny ten year old no longer; Sanemi Shinazugawa is now tall and roguishly handsome. But his infuriating good looks aside, your debt to him has been repaid; now, he needs to get the fuck away.
āCanāt thank ya enough,ā he shoots you a devilish smile as he straightens his shirt. āYou really saved my ass āā
āGet out of my store.ā You order, your voice hard. āTake your trouble somewhere else and leave me out of it.ā
Sanemiās eyes narrow at your use of the word trouble, but he says nothing. Instead, he only rounds the counter with a loping, infuriating swagger, his hands shoved in his pockets.
āAs you wish, Princess,ā and you bristle at the sarcasm dropping from the word. He pauses to scan the shelf marked New Releases. āJust need somethinā for the road.ā
He snags a small novel ā a fantasy story, judging by the cover - and he tucks it under his arm.
āLater,ā he calls, waving a lazy hand over his shoulder.
You stare after him, slack-jawed and incensed. āYou have to pay for āā
But the door bangs shut behind him, and Sanemi Shinazugawa disappears into the night.
ā-
By the time Sanemi returns to his shabby apartment, it is well after midnight. Heād met up with Uzui and forked over Maedaās payment. Though, the Corpās head pimp hadnāt been particularly pleased that his money rolls had been shoved deep down in his boots, his nose wrinkling as Sanemi dropped the crumpled, slightly damp wads of cash into his waiting, magenta-nailed hands.
As it turned out, Maeda hadnāt sold them out. Rather, one of the Hinoe had stupidly gotten into a scuffle with some brash, young teenager and in his anger, pulled his gun on the kid.
Right in front of two, marked cop cars.
One of the idiots had been caught and cuffed, and was now spending his evening locked in the damp, cold jailhouse pending bond. The other ā the driver ā had managed to escape, though heād been carted off to Iguro for punishment.
Thereās a reason he prefers working alone, he thinks bitterly as he kicks his boots off. He fucking loathes incompetence.
He pulls his gun free from its place in his waistband and sets it gently atop his ratty kitchen table. Sanemi then trudges over to his futon, collapsing heavily on it with a groan. A shit day, he decides, pulling the stack of cash heād received as his cut for the job free from his pocket, thumbing through it. A shit day with shit juniors.
He shifts against a lump that sits under his ass. Frowning, he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out the book heād swiped from your store and turns it over in his hands. Surprisingly, it has managed to remain in pristine condition despite its rather unceremonious storage in his pocket.
Your face flashes in his mind, but before he can fully appreciate it, your words echo in his ears.
Take your trouble somewhere else.
Sanemi scowls, tossing the book onto his coffee table, annoyed. The implication underlying your use of trouble and the venom with which youād spoken it is a thorn in his side he cannot ignore.
You know what ā who ā he is. In Sanemiās world, thatās a liability.
Though, in fairness, he canāt really be surprised that you do. Gossip is a free commodity in this town, and itās a coveted one. It wouldnāt be a stretch to conclude that youād overheard one of the rumors about him and his ties to the Corps.
What concerns him is he doesnāt know what your connection is, if any, to his world. Maybe youāre really just a girl in a bookshop who paid back a decade-old favor.
Or maybe youāve got an in with them.
The Corps isnāt the only gang operating within the city; there is another, crueler and far more violent that had arisen west of the Silo.
The Kizuki.
In the last six months, the Kizuki have managed to overtake the Western Wing, nearly expanding their reach into center city.
Their takeover had been swift; practically achieved overnight, following the systematic execution of every known Corps members in the area. And their violence hadnāt been limited to active members; the Kizuki had brutally maimed and murdered anyone tangentially connected to those Corps members.
Neither women nor their children were spared. And now, it seemed the Kizuki had set their sights on the Silo.
There are whispers that theyāve expanded into their operations into the neighborhood adjacent to the one in which the bookstore sits. That alone is enough to make Sanemi suspicious ā perhaps youāre in league with them, and youāll hand him over the moment itās most convenient for you to do so.
Admittedly, that theory seems doubtful. Youāre a bookseller. Not the kind of girl he knows is prone to becoming involved with the seedy underground world of organized crime. And your apparent disdain for him and his trouble only supports that theory.
But thatās an assumption, and in his line of work, assumptions are precarious; risky. Too much so for comfort.
Either way, he doesnāt know, and that uncertainty is a breeding ground for the parasite that is doubt. Toxic enough that were it to take root in his brain, his judgment could be compromised, leading him to mistakes he canāt afford to make.
Sanemi doesnāt tolerate blind spots. He will keep you on his radar until he determines the threat you pose and once he knows its severity, heāll decide how to proceed.
He eyes the book heād swiped from your store. He likes reading, though he hasnāt had much time for it lately (or, ever). But, if heās going to hang around you while trying to identify the threat you pose, he might as well have a strategy for getting you to talk.
Sighing, he grabs the novel from his table and thumbs to the first page as he pads into his kitchen, in search of something to quell the grumble in his stomach.
ā
His inquiries into you and your life reveal shockingly little.
You work at a bookstore. Your parents sold off your childhood home and retired to some beach down south. Your siblings are spread out across other cities and donāt visit home often, if ever.
Only you remain, abandoned by your family to fend for yourself in a crumbling city with only a shabby bookshop that sits on the furthest end of an otherwise safe street to keep you busy.
Truthfully, the bookstore probably is more interesting than you, at least on paper. But itās that dirge of information that piques his interest; makes him look at you more as a mystery worth unraveling.
Besides, the smart thing for him would be to keep a tab on you until he can confirm you are in fact, as boring as you appear.
Or so he tells himself.
The image of a ten-year-old you peering at him from your parentsā stairwell flashes through his mind once more.
Heād felt your gaze burning a hole into his head, and shyly, heād looked back at you, only to find himself unable to look away. Only your motherās prodding about him joining your family for dinner had broken your temporary enchantment over him.
The memory of how youād looked at him ā a mixture of curiosity and awe highlighted by a faint blush in your cheeks when heād met your stare head on ā remained fixed in his brain for years after.
And though the two of you never spoke, you always smiled at him whenever you locked eyes in the school hallway or cafeteria. A real, genuine smile.
He wonders if he ever smiled back and finds himself irritated that he canāt remember if he had. He shouldāve; especially now when it seems as though heās unlikely to ever see that gentle, radiant smile again.
Sanemiās phone pings and all thoughts of you come to a screeching halt. The message that flashes on his screen ā instructions, only by way of an address and an amount ā chase away the images of you and your sweet smile, like a hand scattering smoke.
With a sigh, Sanemi dials the number for two, lower-ranked Corps members to serve as scouts. With watch secured, he shoves his phone into his pocket and runs a tired hand over his face.
He wonders what will kill him first ā whether it will be a bullet or whether it will be because thereās nothing left of him to whore out on the Corpās behalf.
Ultimately, he knows it doesnāt really matter. He wonāt die as himself; as Sanemi, the boy from the Silo who wants a life thatās anything but this. Heāll die only as Shinazugawa the Hashira. Heāll die under the mask heās forced to wear so often, he wonders if it hasnāt yet bonded with his skin.
But as long as he remains in one piece, he must continue on as a puppet in this this tedious show. So, Sanemi grabs his gun from where heād placed it on atop the cheap plastic of his kitchen table and he tucks it into his waistband.
And by the time his apartment door slams shut behind him, Sanemi has slipped the mask down over his face, and he is Shinazugawa once more.
ā
Two weeks pass before he ends up back in front of your bookstore.
Sanemi doesnāt really remember how he got here. He awoke well before sunrise to his phone chiming with orders that he go collect on a sizeable gambling debt owed by one of Iguroās regulars, an owner of some pawn shop.
The sun was already high overhead when he finally left the pawn shop, knuckles bruised and arm aching. Heād kicked his bike into gear in a familiar daze, one that always slipped over him after he completed a job. A kind of numb quiet that settled into his bones, a dull static in his brain that did not fade until the tremor in his hands subsided.
That paralysis needs to be broken. Contrary to popular belief, desensitization was not an ideal state of being for someone like him. It made him apathetic and careless to the world around him, and that was little better than painting a giant target on his back, begging his enemies to come and do their worst.
So, when the numbness still lingered by the time his bike roars past a rusted water tower that marks the outer limit of the Silo, Sanemi knows of only one cure. His go-to.
His bike is still hot by the time he lifts his phone to his ear, just outside his shithole of an apartment.
He doesnāt know her by name ā only by description, as told by the series of emojis that accompany her number on his phone. But itās surprisingly easy to charm her, though perhaps thatās because sheās looking for an escape just as much as he is.
Less than ten minutes later, the girl pulls up beside him in the parking lot.
Her hands are already roaming down his chest and playing with the buckle on his belt as Sanemi unlocks his door and pushes her inside.
At some point between the front door and his bedroom, the girl has stripped herself of her outer clothing, leaving her only in her undergarments as she tugs Sanemi down by his neck and into her kiss. Sheās licking and nipping at his lips in a way heās not sure he likes, but he allows it because his cock is painfully hard and throbbing where it strains against his pants.
And, after all, heās the one desperate for relief.
āIāve only got ten minutes,ā she warns, kicking off her underwear as she falls back onto his bed. Sanemi only smirks as he slides his hand down the length of her leg, gripping her by the ankle and flipping her to her stomach.
He shifts away long enough to quickly wiggle free of his pants. He grabs a condom from his nightstand and rips the foil with his teeth. Fingers toying with the girlās clit as she moans into his mattress, Sanemi rolls the latex down his cock. Protection secured, he reaches for her again, yanking her by her hips until her backside is flush against him. One hand pushes down between her shoulder blades while the other snakes up her neck, and Sanemi nudges the tip of his cock up against her entrance.
āDonāt worry, darlinā,ā he winds the long tresses of her hair around his fist and gives her a sharp tug. āWeāll be done in five.ā
ā-
Even an hour after he tossed the girl her clothing and not so casually suggested she leave his apartment, Sanemi still feels restless.
He cannot shake the images of the afternoon from his mind, and so, Sanemi resorts to walking.
He does so without thought as to destination or the rapidly setting sun. Sanemi only focuses on the activity itself. One foot in front of the other; pace even and quick, each step accompanied by a flash of that dayās sins.
The crash of a garage door as it slammed back against the wall. Wide eyes that quickly filled with panic at the sight of him and the flash of metal tucked against his hip.
Step.
A plea; a desperate promise to pay, one that heād heard a thousand times from a thousand different mouths. None of them ever seemed to understand their word wasnāt worth shit when theyād already defaulted on their obligations. Yet still, they begged.
Step.
The breaking of teeth beneath his fists.
Step.
The crush of bone under the iron pipe heād found discarded on the garage floor. The agonized futility of trying to scoot back and away from him, despite a shattered leg.
Green; the color of the money heād found stashed in a duffel, the debtorās desperate attempt to hoard the wealth owed to the Corps.
Step. Step. Step. All the way down the street leading until he finds himself on a distantly familiar stretch of pavement that ends at the bookstoreās front steps.
For a moment, he lingers outside the shop, hesitant. He should turn around; there is no reason for him to be here. His investigation into you is not a priority by any means, especially where whatever poking he has done has revealed so little.
The book he lifted from the New Releases shelf is tucked carefully in his jacket pocket. He doesnāt know why heās carried it around with him, all this time. Sanemi finished the novel the very night youād helped hide him from the cops.
He should leave; but then his feet carry him up the walk leading to the store, and heās pushing the door open.
His arrival is punctuated by a cheerful ring of the old bell nailed above the door. At first, the store appears deserted; but then you pop up from under the counter, surprise coloring your features.
That surprise melts quickly into cold disdain that makes something in his chest flutter as he strolls toward you. With every step, that numb haze of his disperses and instead, Sanemi feels himself returning to normal the closer he brings himself to you.
āThis isnāt a library,ā you chide when he plops his borrowed novel back down on your counter. āYou have to pay for the books here.ā
Itās incredible how easily he is able to slip back into the skin of the suave, smug playboy, and your adorable glare only makes him smirk. āI brought it back, didnāt I? Look ā didnāt even crack the spine.ā
āIt doesnāt matter,ā you reply coolly, snatching the book up and tossing it on a small cart marked Restock. āThat loss came out of my paycheck ā which is scant enough.ā
That piques his attention. āDidnāt you say this was your store?ā
His question makes you turn pink, and youāre quick to put your back to him, pretending to shuffle through new releases waiting to be shelved. āI work here,ā you mutter quietly, but when you turn back around, you stick your chin out, defiant. āBut I am the only employee, so it is my store, in a sense. The owner doesnāt ever come by.ā
You wrinkle your nose. āSo yes, lost profits affect me, and me alone, you thief.ā
Sanemi cocks his head, his eyes running over you in consideration.
Youāre beautiful; heās always found you cute, even as a kid, but the transition between your teen years and adulthood have been kind. Even if youāre glaring at him like you would a crushed bug stuck to the bottom of your shoe.
But your words strike a chord in him. His job is to collect money from those greedy lowlifes who waste it; who use money to carry out their bad deeds, who use it to fuck over others.
He doesnāt take it from those who need it; from those who are barely scraping. by. Sanemi knows the agony of having to choose between keeping the lights on or feeding a hungry stomach far, far too well.
āFine, here,ā he tosses a random novel on your counter and a crumpled twenty dollar note. You ring him up, eyes flicking up to glare at him every so often as you count out his change.
He only continues to watch you, the heat of his stare ignites an itch under your skin that makes you squirm.
Your restlessness boils over. āWhat?ā
āNothin,ā he shrugs. āJust think itās interesting that you of all people are still lingering in this shit hole.ā
Your head snaps up, your task of totaling out his change forgotten. āI live here, idiot.ā
He snorts. āDidnāt you want outta here? Do somethinā different?ā He leans forward, elbows propped on your counter as he rests his chin on his fist.
āI donāt see how thatās any of your business.ā Heās dancing dangerously close to a sore spot of yours ā that you are alone in your hometown, working at a failing bookshop, with no one and nothing to justify your stagnancy.
āThis canāt be your dream life.ā
You donāt have to answer; you know that. But his line of questioning is puzzling. Because, no matter how casual he manages to keep his tone, his nonchalance is betrayed by his eyes, sharp and inquisitive.
Like heās waiting to dissect whatever answer you give him.
Sanemi continues. āItās strange for people not to want for more ā to not dream about somethinā different.ā
āAnd who are you to say I donāt?ā You bristle, slamming your cash drawer shut with more force than necessary. āI have a dream of my own. Just because itās not one you would pick for yourself doesnāt mean itās wrong.ā
He blinks, taken aback. āWoah, woah, I never meant any offense.ā He pushes back from the counter. āMy bad.ā
His response feels genuine but your ego is already bruised. Stiffly, you finish counting out his change and drop it into his waiting palm.
You slide his book across the counter. āHave the day you deserve.ā
His surprise morphs into amusement at your iciness. So haughty, he winks. āYou too, Princess.ā
You turn aside in clear dismissal. He makes a show of taking out his wallet and stuffing his change inside, but your pointed ignorance of him means you donāt see him toss another note on the counter.
Heās already halfway out the door when you call after him, urgent. āSir, you dropped your āā
āNah, I didnāt,ā he raises his hand in farewell as the bookstore door bangs shut behind him, leaving you to stare open-mouthed after him.
Clutched tightly in your hand is his crisp, one hundred dollar note.
ā
His next visit is unplanned, but not in the way that Sanemi avoids routine. Itās unplanned in that heās annoyed and itās partially your fault, so that means the onus is on you to fix it.
Youāre in the process of double checking delivery logs to ensure all your new inventory has arrived when a large thud against the clerkās counter startles you.
You frown. Itās him again ā all ivory hair and silvery facial scars that somehow are less imposing than the irritated scowl he wears.
āThis book was shit,ā he scoots the novel across the counter to you with distaste. āI want a refund.ā
You level his pout with a frosty glare of your own. Wordlessly, you lean over the counter and tap a single finger against a laminated sign duck-taped to its edge.
Return-exchange only. No refunds.
āBut it was shit,ā he repeats, as though that will somehow spur you to change a policy you didnāt create. āYou let me waste twenty bucks.ā
āI did nothing,ā you rustle the pages of your delivery log in pointed dismissal. āYouāre the one who decided to buy a book before checking it out.ā
You glance down at the discarded novel. āFigures,ā you scoff. āHeās not even an author. He uses ghost writers and takes all the credit.ā
āWoulda been nice if youād told me that before you let me give him my money.ā
You hum idly as you cross off the logās boxes for new releases. āI suppose I was too stunned that you even knew how to read. Guess I wasnāt really paying attention to your shit choices.ā
āOh?ā And you glance up to see Sanemi smirking at you. āThe Princess has claws, does she?ā He leans against the counter, propping his cheek under a loose fist. āSo, what are your recommendations, gorgeous?ā
āIām not your Princess,ā you snap imbuing the nickname with as much venom as you can muster. āCall me by my name or call me nothing at all.ā
His eyes drop to your name-tag, pinned neatly on the front of your sweater. That insufferable smirk of his only widens. āAlright, alright. What are your recommendations, Y/N?ā
The syllables sound rich and honeyed and suddenly, you wish youād let him stick with Princess, as grating as it was.
Because your name should not sound so sweet, should not roll off his tongue so seamlessly, as it just did.
Youāve never been one to indulge in rumors. But in this city, as economically fractured as it is, gossip is a currency everyone keeps in their back pocket. And though you keep your head down and mind your own business, even you have heard the rumors swirling around town about the eldest Shinazugawa child.
Rumors that he has ascended the ranks of the same Mob that claimed the life of his deadbeat father long before the bastard was shived in the back for a debt heād owed (their words, never yours).
Rumors that he holds a unique position within the gang, known clandestinely only as the Corps, and that position requires him to do things most wonāt speak about.
But the rumor that screeches to the forefront of your mind has nothing to do with his alleged status with the Corps. Itās his reputation as a flirt; a rumored womanizer, through and through, that is a splinter under your skin.
Determined to pick him out, a wicked idea blossoms. āFine, here.ā You stalk purposefully to the section marked Literature. Your finger drags down a line of titles before finally settling on one. You pull it free with a soft grunt, the book sitting thick and heavy in your hand as you dump it into Sanemiās.
āRead that.ā
His eyes flick between its cover and you, incredulous. āThis aināt a book; itās a brick.ā
āItās a classic,ā you counter. āOne that examines age-old question of destiny versus free will, generational curses.ā Your head cocks to the side, a challenging smirk tugging at the corner of your mouth. āLove and lust.ā
His eyebrow raises and you cross your fingers. If he falls for it and ultimately ends up hating the book, then perhaps heāll decide your taste in reading material is indeed shit, and maybe then heāll leave you alone.
Sanemi considers you for a moment but then he takes the bait. āIf you say so,ā he sighs. āBut if itās shit, Iām taking my refund.ā And then he leans in close, so close that you can feel the warmth radiating off his body.
His breath is hot against your ear. āRegardless of your shitty little policy.ā
You refuse to let him see how much heās knocked you off-kilter. āSo I can expect to be robbed? Will it be at gun or knifepoint? Just so Iām prepared.ā
His chuckle, low and dark sends goosebumps skittering down your arms. āWorse,ā he promises before he draws back. His grin is wolfish, all teeth and feral hunger. āYouāll owe me a date.ā
He looses a low, appreciate whistle as he steps back and takes his eyes over your rigid form. āThough, I might just take you out anyway.ā
āYou assume Iāll say yes ā or are you planning on kidnapping me? Iām sure youāre rather proficient at it, given your occupation.ā
Something dark flashes across his face, and itās enough to make you step back, a sudden fear creeping up the back of your spine.
Stupid, you chastise yourself. You never know when to keep your mouth shut.
But the shadows in his features recede as quickly as they appeared, and Sanemiās mouth eases back into that same, cocky smile.
āYouāll say yes, Princess. You wonāt be able to resist the temptation.ā
āTemptation?ā You force out a laugh. āAnd what makes you think I canāt?ā
Sanemiās eyes find your current read, open flipped over on the counter, marking your current page.
Itās a mystery novel. Your third of the month, born of a new hyperfixation on the genre.
You want nothing more than to wipe that smug grin of his clean from his face. He gives an affectionate snake of his head as he turns and makes his way toward the door. āHabits, Y/N. It all comes down to habits.ā
You should throw it at his head, but Sanemi exits the store before your hand can find its spine.
āā-
Over two weeks pass without so much as a whisper from the enigma that is Sanemi Shinazugawa.
Loath though you are to give him that sort of credit, you cannot deny that he utterly confounds you. He is everything you expected while simultaneously nothing at all what youād imagined. He is brash and cocky, and he struts around with an insufferable self-importance that can only come from years of being at the top of his game (no matter how he got there).
Yet, he also reads. Enough to have opinions, even decent ones, about certain authors, and heās open minded enough to accept your recommendation even if it feels as though he has an ulterior motive for doing so.
And, heād been bothered by the dock in your pay as a result of his mischief; so much so, that heād slipped you more than enough to make up the loss. That is the action that puzzles you the most, even weeks later. Youād assumed that someone like him, so used to ensnaring people into various schemes, wouldnāt have given two shits if heād stolen money from some broke girl at a bookstore. After all, his business was all about money ā and the lengths some would go to keep it.
Yet heād paid you back ā paid you more than you needed, if you were honest.
Since that day, youāve had your ears tuned to any mention of his name, any whispers of the mysterious, scarred gang-member who has occupied nearly all the open space in your head. Youāve managed to glean small things here and there. That heās a Hashira, and Hashira means heās only one step below what is known ominously as the Master Family ā the heads of the entire organization.
That heās rather feared, even among seasoned Corps members; that heās known for his swift brutality.
That heās more than just a flirt; heās a virile lover. Not picky in the slightest about who warms his bed, though no one has ever been able to pin him down longer than a handful of one-night stands.
You stop poking around after that particular revelation, embarrassed that you now know exactly what makes him so popular.
Apparently, his flexibility pairs well with his near inhuman stamina. And heās said to be very well-endowed.
Itās more information than you care to know, but you canāt deny that your curiosity lingers.
You brush aside your inquisitiveness as nothing more than a natural side effect of your own inexperience. And youāll be damned before admitting that your interest in Sanemi Shinazugawa isnāt limited to rumors of how good he is in bed. That, perhaps your curiosity stems from something deeper, from a desire to know if that bad boy persona is authentic or a mere facade, and boy on the stoop still lurks somewhere beneath his mask.
ā
āYou look like shit.ā
You startle up from where youād been resting your head on your arm, wavering between consciousness and sleep.
You know that gravelly voice before you lay your eyes on him, and your irritation is quick to flicker to life.
Nearly a month has passed since your last encounter, and for a moment, youād thought youād been freed from his nuisance. But now, Sanemi stands in your store, wearing a half-amused expression on his stupidly handsome face.
āIs that the only descriptor you know?ā You ask miserably, hands working quickly to smooth down your mused hair. āIs everything either shit or not-shit to you?ā
Sanemi shrugs. āPretty much,ā and he holds something out to you, waiting. āHere.ā
Itās a to-go bag from a cafe two blocks away. One known for their almond croissants, for which you have a particular penchant.
Your stomach grumbles fiercely. Youād foregone eating breakfast when you realized youād overslept your alarm, and had to rush out of your apartment to ensure youād be here in time for the weekly delivery truck.
The sweet scent of butter and sugar wafting from the bag makes your mouth water.
But this is Sanemi Shinazugawa, and you should think to know better. āIs it poisoned?ā
He rolls his eyes. āIf I wanted to drug you, sweetheart, Iād pick a far more convenient way to do it ā and one that didnāt involve me getting up at the ass crack of dawn for some overpriced pastries.ā
Warily, you accept the paper bag, and Sanemi surprises you again by handing you a to-go cup of coffee. He watches as you, ever the dramatic, sniff tentatively at the lid and frown, apparently dissatisfied that you can discern nothing but the rich, aromatic scent of espresso.
Sanemi takes a deep drink from his own cup. āItās a thank you. For that book you recommended,ā He smirks. āIt wasnāt shit. It was good.ā
You fish a pastry out of the bag, and nearly drool as you behold its buttery, flaky goodness. āYou sound surprised.ā
ļæ½ļæ½Maybe I was. Your success rate was only fifty-fifty. I had every right to be skeptical.ā
āYouāre the one who grabbed that last book,ā you take a large bite out of your croissant and you fight to keep yourself from moaning. āThat had nothing to do with me.ā You swallow thickly before taking a large sip of coffee to wash down the pastry. āSo, no date, then?ā
The smile he gives you is almost apologetic. āSorry, beautiful. I donāt actually date.ā And you nearly double over at the bewildering taste of disappointment creeping sourly up the back of your throat. āGotta keep things casual in my world.ā
The once-over he gives you is razor-sharp. āAnd you donāt look like a casual girl.ā
You resist the urge to cross your arms. āYou seem awfully certain, Shinazugawa.ā
āExperience,ā he offers easily. āI know casual women.ā He turns his head away before quietly adding, āAnd you aināt one of āem.ā
Itās odd; you know of his rather wild reputation among women, and yet he seems almost embarrassed by its acknowledgment. But as youāre slowly learning, Sanemi Shinazugawa is a conundrum you havenāt yet been able to pick apart.
You could throw it in his face; you could spew some barb about his experience, rub your salt right into his obvious wound. You have no reason to spare his feelings, not when heās been such a consistent pain in your ass.
Your eyes drift to the empty pastry bag and coffee cup before they find him again, and suddenly, you donāt see the swaggering, cocky Corps member with a reputation for being just as dangerous and violent as he is flirtatious.
You see only the boy on your stoop; the one whoād gently removed your sister from her place on his back and handed her back to your tearful, relieved parents.
And itās because you cannot stop seeing that boy, that you offer before you lose the courage to ask, āSo, friends, then?ā
Sanemi whips back to you, surprise coloring his features that quickly melts into a smile ā a real, genuine smile.
And thus, Sanemi Shinazugawa, ruthless member of the Corps and a ranked Hashira, befriends a girl who runs a bookshop.
ā-
In retrospect, Sanemi knows heās probably fucked himself.
His only intention in visiting your shop after that first day had been to discern what level of threat you posed to him, if any, and to address it accordingly. Befriending you was never his goal. After all, he prided himself on his staunch ability in following the unspoken Rules of the Corps ā number Three, in particular.
But he has always interpreted Three has a warning against forming bonds within the Corps. And though he knows itās good practice to keep his circle outside its operations small as well, he rations heās entitled to indulge his curiosity in you. He doesnāt have friends, not really. Just Genya, and his little brother lives well over an hour away, enrolled in a school in a far better ā far safer ā city.
It would be nice to have someone a little closer to home that he could relax around.
Yet, he canāt recall whether Rule Three would bar him from associating you outside work hours. Caution would dictate he shouldnāt, but Sanemi never claimed to be a careful man.
He never visits the same day or at the same time. Rule Two says no patterns, and though heās steadily blurring the lines of Rule Three with each passing day, he convinces himself that as long as he abides by the first two, he wonāt be in as deep shit as he, in theory, could be.
It starts out slow; tentative. Despite what heād thought otherwise, youāre not nearly as prim and haughty as youād tried to make him believe.
Youāre sweet. Genuine, in a way thatās rare for him to encounter in his world.
Gradually, he begins spending more time with you. At first, your relationship is confined strictly to discussions of books. You swap favorites, debate which author is at the top of their genre, and you occasionally needle each other over your respective guilty pleasure: yours, bodice rippers. His, fairytales.
He spends a great deal of his free time at the bookstore, though heās never consistent with his visits. You never ask him about it, and for that, heās grateful. But eventually, your conversation turns to other interests ā movies, shows, music ā and each new mutual interest only further enamors him with you.
And when you invite him over one day after you close the shop to watch an old movie youād swiped from the storeās limited collection, he canāt find it in him to tell you no.
The first time he visits your apartment, he is appalled.
For starters, the neighborhood you live in isnāt the safest. Itās not the Silo, by any means, but itās an area he frequents as part of his job and that fact alone sets him on edge. He knows what kind of people linger here; knows that they tend to borrow cash that ends up in Uzuiās business ā another Hashira.
And when he sees the shoebox you live in (a studio, youād proudly boasted, as though the distraction of exposed brick and industrial piping made up for its shit location and shit security), Sanemi finds himself clutching his proverbial pearls.
He supposes he can see its appeal ā youāve certainly turned it into a home.
Youāve made a small living room out of a single couch, thrifted coffee table, and a faintly stained rug. Your TV is laughably small, but he supposes it gets the job done.
A small kitchen stands to the right of the entryway, and there is a bathroom to the left. You have a wall of closets with folding doors, and the wall directly opposite of him boasts three large, arched windows. Sanemi supposes during the day, they provide enough natural sunlight to negate any need for any overhead lighting, of which you have none. But he canāt tell if they open from the outside, so he resolves to furtively check once youāre distracted.
Your bed stands on the furthest wall, tucked into a corner and laden heavy with colorful pillows and plush throws. Books are stacked everywhere ā in shelves, in corners, by plants and furniture. All well-worn and loved, their spines cracked and covers stained.
Itās lively; warm. And it has you written all over it. That alone is enough to slightly endear the place to him.
But itās still a shit apartment in a shit neighborhood.
Worse, your door is little more than a flimsy piece of wood that latches with a single turn lock ā the easiest to break, if someone was determined enough to try. He tells you as much and you roll your eyes, brushing aside his concerns as though heās not precisely aware of what kind of filth might linger around the corner.
The next day, he brings over a deadbolt, a chain, and a drill. He bats off your indignant protests as he installs it on your door. And, because heās petty, he forces you to sit through a painfully detailed demonstration of how to properly latch and unlatch the chain once heās finished.
The weeks blend seamlessly into months, and Sanemi finds himself spending more and more of his free time with you. It doesnāt matter whether youāre working at the bookstore or enjoying a night of brain-rotting entertainment on your shitty little television. He just wants to be near you, and he finds himself unable to stay away.
Four months into your friendship, you start a weekly movie night, though the date is always subject to change. Still, Sanemi finds himself craving more of that precious time with you. The hours spent in your store or at your apartment fill a void in his chest he hadnāt realized heād been harboring, and itās a fullness he quickly becomes addicted to.
It is an odd thing, this new ritual (never routine) of his. The alternation between visiting the scum indebted to the Corps, to feel bones crush and snap beneath his hands or the iron of a spare crowbar, or blood griming to his knuckles, only to return to your bookshop or apartment, cheap beer and greasy takeout in hand, isnāt the kind of switch he imagined heād ever make. But you make taking off his Hashira mask so damn easy, and every time he leaves he finds it more difficult to slip back on.
With each passing day, he learns you more and more. He gathers information like a dragon hoards its jewels, each new tidbit a precious gem that he tucks safely away in a mental box labeled with your name.
He learns that, while he prefers tea, you prefer coffee, but youāre picky about your order. If itās hot, you want it black or with only the faintest splash of cream. If itās cold, however, you want every sweet syrup and topping known to man, even though it only makes you crash like a freight train once the sugar high wears off.
He learns you think cooking means pouring yourself a bowl of cereal and calling it a day, and itās a revelation that makes him have to walk away and collect himself, lest he start lecturing you on the importance of proper nutrition, just as he does with his brother.
In exchange, he opens up about the more sacred aspects of his life ā namely, Genya. He confides in you the great pride and adoration he has for his little brother, and admits his deep-seated fear that Genya will somehow be pulled into his violent, hostile world of his. And each time Sanemi begins to feel that anxiety rear its ugly head, threaten to settle into the marrow of his bones and send him into a spiral, youāre always there to pull him back.
Sometimes you ask questions, and Sanemi tries to answer them as best he can. But there are some subjects he can never touch. Never wants to.
He canāt tell you whose blood stains his knuckles or is splattered across his shoes. He canāt tell you where he goes when his phone vibrates late at night or at random during the day. He canāt tell you what his fellow Hashira do; the specialties they oversee.
Sanemi does make a point to assure you there is one sacred creed by which they all abide: no kids. This seems to put you at ease, as though this tepid moral line somehow absolves him of the other shit heās guilty for.
Itās selfish, this thing he has created with you. He knows that. And his blossoming friendship with you likely breaks more than one of the sacred precepts of the Corps. But youāre the first person heās met since his initiation who knows what he is and doesnāt cower in fear, and that makes him desperate to cling onto you. You know what an ugly, beastly creature he is, and yet you do not run away from him. Even when you probably should.
So, he makes a promise. He wonāt show you the Shinazugawa who belongs to the Corps; a formidable member of the Hashira, known because of the things he can do to others to make sure they pay their debts. What he does to them when they donāt.
With you, he wants to be Sanemi; only Sanemi.
And so it goes, for the better part of a year, the two of you learning one another, pretending the ease you feel in the company of the other is merely the product of two people relieved to find a friend in a city that cautions against such ties, and not something in danger of becoming more.
As though the metamorphosis hasnāt already set in.
ā
āYou never told me what your dream was, yāknow.ā Sanemi says one night while you finish up inventory at the store.
āWhat dream?ā You hum as you scan the shelves reserved for non-fiction releases, your lips pressed into a firm line as you run your pen down the entries of your log.
He leans against the bookshelf, arms folded across the considerable mass of his chest. āYour big dream ā the one you bit my head off for insulting that one time.ā
You look up long enough to roll your eyes at him. āWhereās this coming from?ā
āDunno. Curious.ā
āThought youāre not supposed to ask questions in your line of work.ā And you shoot him a sly grin. āYou ought to be careful.ā
Sanemi snorts but he nudges your foot with his. āIām serious.ā
Your eyes dance back and forth between him and the log before you. Thereās no real harm in it, you decide. After all, heās the only friend you have. āI want my own bookstore.ā
āYeah?ā He raises a pale brow and waves his hand vaguely around behind him. āArenāt you practically running this one? That aināt enough?ā
āI donāt own it, though.ā You frown, setting your clipboard down. āI just work here. Youāve seen my paycheck.ā
And he had, having found a paystub when heād gone snooping under your counter. You wouldāve been furious at his invasion of your privacy had you not been so mortified at the way heād stared in horror at the pitiful figure reflecting your earnings after two, grueling weeks of work.
His insistence on bringing you meals at any and every opportunity afterward only compounded your embarrassment.
āI want something thatās mine ā that I own.ā You continue. āIāve begged the owner to let me organize author meet-and-greets as a way to promote the store for months, and he always says no. If I owned my own store, I wouldnāt need anyoneās permission.ā
You pull your bottom lip between your teeth. āI wouldnāt have to live under anyoneās thumb.ā
Something shifts in the way Sanemi watches you, a certain profundity creeping into his eyes.
Your cheeks heat. āI know it sounds stupid āā
āIt doesnāt,ā Sanemi says earnestly. āWanting your freedom can never be stupid.ā
You soften then, as understanding passes between you. Of course he would know all about that ā arguably better than anyone you know.
Sanemi clears his throat. āSo, a bookstore?ā And he gives you a broad smile as he pulls out his wallet and tosses you a twenty dollar note. āConsider me your first investor.ā
ā
Sanemi spends the rest of the evening watching you work, fascinated by the way you meticulously organize your store shelves, and count the cash in your register. When it comes time for you to heave boxes of excess inventory to the back storeroom so they can be shipped back to their distributors, Sanemi plucks them from your hands, batting off your protests as he carries them for you.
By the time closing arrives, every new shipment has been unpacked and its contents have been shelved.
You flick off the overhead lights in the main store, relying on the backlight of the exit door to light your way out. You tug on your coat and find him watching you, expectantly. āAre you walking me home?ā
āTch. Donāt I always, when I can?ā
You grin and itās enough to chase away some of the sourness twisting in his gut. He shouldnāt do it, as often as he does. Heās risking enough as it is by constantly redrawing the lines around Rule Three to justify the way heās beginning to bend the parameters around the rule against patterns. But itās dark and late, and you donāt have a car, and heāll be damned if he lets you brave the walk home alone.
Better heās there to protect you from the dangers he can anticipate and see than to stick to his code and risk your harm from those he cannot.
Thankfully, the journey back to your apartment takes no more than fifteen minutes, even when he stops to thumb free a cigarette from the spare carton he keeps tucked in his jacket. You wrinkle your nose at him in mock-disgust as he lights it, the smoke curling out of his mouth reminiscent of a fire-breathing dragon.
He wouldnāt do it if he knew it truly bothered you. But youād once shyly confessed you liked the faint smell of tobacco that clung to his jacket, especially in cold air like this. So he only shoots you a wink as he brings it to his lips and takes a long drag.
Besides, he thinks as he looses a slow exhale. He needs something to help him take the edge off; to guide him in making that transition between Hashira and Sanemi.
He escorts you all the way to your front door, the two of you trading quips and jokes. And Sanemi savors how utterly extraordinary something as ordinary as walking you to your door feels. Almost as if heās ordinary, the way he so desperately wishes he could be.
You fidget with your keys, sliding them into your lock. āDid you finish that series I recommended?ā
Sanemi grins. āLast night. I think it was your best suggestion yet.ā
You duck your head, a bashful smile spreading across your pretty lips and its sight fills him with a golden warmth.
Your door gives way and you turn back to him. āāTil next time?ā
It was what you always said; you never asked him when you could expect to see him again, and he appreciated it. Appreciated not having to explain himself, when most outside his world would likely demand he try.
āāTil next time,ā he confirms, returning your smile with one of his own.
You hover in your doorway, fingers drumming on the frame, eyes roaming his.
āYou never told me yours ā what your dream is.ā
He should leave. Youāre treading in murky waters, ones made dangerous because he almost wants to tell you ā tell you the truth, at that.
That he dreams of more. More life. More stability. More everything. Heād settle for anything, really; anything at all.
As long as it was more than this.
But Sanemi only responds with a wry grin. āTo wake up in the morning, Princess. Thatās all I can ask for.ā
āāā
Sanemiās answer lingers with you long after you emerge from your shower, warm and toweling your damp hair.
To wake up in the morning, Princess.
Heās full of shit and you know it.
Over the course of the last year, youāve learned a handful of crucial details that make up Sanemi Shinazugawa.
Youāve learned he loves matcha, but he really loves the expensive kind. While you canāt afford to buy the high quality powder, you make do with what you can afford at the grocery, and you make it for him as often as you can.
He drinks it every time, bitter dregs and all.
More importantly, youāve learned what it means to have a friend involved in the Corps. Not that heās merely involved with the notorious gang ā at least, not any more than the two of you are just āfriends.ā
Town gossip aside, Sanemiās affiliation with the Corps is made obvious by his own actions. Like the way the two of you only ever hang out at the bookstore or your apartment; how he never invites you to visit his place, over in the Silo.
Or how he insists on scoping out your apartment every time he comes over, his eyes alert and sharp as his hand lingers at his hip, ready to pull out the gun you know he keeps tucked into his waistband at all times.
Itās evident in the way Sanemi never sticks to a consistent schedule. He varies the days and times of his visits at random, never allowing himself to settle into a routine, even if that means going an entire week or longer without seeing you.
But perhaps the most significant detail youāve learned about Sanemi over the year of your friendship is this:
He wants out. Dreams of it, even.
This revelation does not come from the scarred Hashira himself. It is the product of months of observation, of studying how his face darkens when his phone pings! while youāre watching some sitcom on television, or when he sees a familiar face pass by your shop window, and suddenly he has to leave because he must be Shinazugawa again, and you wonāt see him for the rest of the day.
It is evident in the way he talks of his younger brother, who, by all accounts is a star student and athlete, with a promising future in collegiate archery.
Sanemi is saving every penny he can to send his brother ā Genya ā to school, far, far away from the Silo. The conviction with which he speaks of Genyaās future, full of college and internships and promise, breaks your heart, because you know Sanemi hadnāt anyone to want those things for him.
Sanemi does not speak of any future of his. You suspect itās because he doesnāt believe he will have one.
That has to be why he answered your question with his vague desire to wake up every morning. It was an easy answer. One that relied on you making certain connections between his life and his words and deduce that he truly had nothing more to live for other than life itself.
A cop-out, is what it is.
But his reading habits betray his darkest secret ā betray the truth ā and thatās exactly how you know his flippant answer is utter bullshit.
The book Sanemi carries around the most is a series of classic fairy tales, bought off your sale table a few months back. Heās read the whole thing cover to cover, but he keeps a bookmark on one specific page, and periodically, you catch him flipping back to it.
He made the mistake of leaving the book on your coffee table one night when he excused himself to use your bathroom. Realistically, you knew it was no big deal to flip through it, but somehow, the thought still felt like an invasion of his privacy.
But your curiosity got the better of you so you snatched it up, and thumb quickly to the bookmarked page, desperate to know which story has so captivated him.
You opened to the first page of of a tale ā an old French story, about the daughter of a merchant who is sent to life with a beast in a distant castle, as penance for his theft of the beastās rose.
You smiled to yourself; you were familiar with the story. You know how it goes ā the beast everyone believes to be the villain is saved by the woman, and revealed to be a handsome prince. And the two live happily ever after.
Your smile faded as you recalled how the woman saved her Beast. True loveās kiss, or something along those lines.
True love.
And as Sanemi returned from the bathroom and plopped down next to you on your couch to watch a rerun of some old sitcom before he has to leave for the night, you mulled over Sanemiās apparent fascination with the tale of the beast and the beauty.
And thatās how you drew the series of conclusions which enabled you to see right through his thin facade.
He wants out.
He wants a happily ever after. He doesnāt think heāll get it.
And, above all, he dreams of love.
ā
If any doubt lingered as to the magnitude of his ties to the Corps, it disintegrates one night, about eight months after heād first burst into your bookstore.
It is well after midnight, but you are still awake, too engrossed in a new fantasy novel to pay particular attention to the lateness of the hour when your phone buzzes on your bedside table.
Sanemiās name lingers above the notification, which reads simply, Outside.
You untangle yourself from your blankets and pad over to your front door, hastily tugging on a pair of sleep boxers over your underwear.
You open the door and the flutter of excitement youād felt upon seeing his text is chased away by shock at the sight before you.
There is a bruise forming along Sanemiās cheek that you almost would have mistaken for dirt if not for the swelling. His hair is rumpled, his clothes in disarray. Though it winks away the second he sets his gaze on you, you swear you were able a cold fury in his eyes; foreign, and violent.
The fury that belongs to a Hashira, not to the friend you know.
Wordlessly, you step back and allow him to limp past you.
āYou got liniment?ā He rasps, plopping heavily down in your kitchen chair. āAnd water?ā
āYou mean icy-hot?ā Youāre already filling a glass from the tap that you set on the table next to him before you retreat to your bathroom to rummage the cabinets.
You return a few moments later, tub of minty topical gel clutched in hand. You nearly drop it when you realize that Sanemi has stripped himself of his shirt already and is now bare from the waist-up, his forehead resting against his arms where theyāre propped up on the back of your chair.
Youāve known for a long while that Sanemi is well-built (obscenely so).
Once, in the early days of your friendship, youād snapped at him to button his shirt properly if he insisted on hanging around your store, dramatizing over how obscene it was for him to prance around with his chest half-exposed.
Sanemi had only grinned at you before he unbuttoned two more, revealing a generous glimpse of infuriatingly toned abs. Your open-mouthed, scandalized stare was met only with a wink.
He kept his shirt like that for the remainder of the day. Youād hardly been able to look at him without flushing a deep scarlet that only seemed to inflate his already generous ego even further.
But, youāre only human. And as the months passed by, and your friendship with the scarred mobster grew, you found yourself sneaking the odd peek every now and then. A glimpse of pectoral here; a hint of his rigid v-line when he stretched his arms over his head there.
And now, here he is, sitting in your small kitchen area awaiting the relief of the icy hot clutched in the tub that grew more slippery between your rapidly sweaty palms, every mouth watering inch of his upper body on display.
Beautiful. Your mouth goes dry at the sight of him. Sanemi is unbelievably beautiful.
āNeed ya to rub it into my shoulder, if you donāt mind,ā his voice is muffled against his arm. āI hate asking, but I dislocated the damn thing and had to reset it ā fuckinā hurts, now.ā
You know better than to suggest he go get an x-ray. No hospitals, heād once explained. Not unless youāre bleeding out.
You also know better than to ask how he dislocated it, and so you only pad silently over to him, grateful heās turned away from you so he cannot see the tremble in your hands or the blush creeping across your cheeks.
Eager to give yourself something to do besides ogling, you focus on unscrewing the lid on the jar of liniment, your nose wrinkling under the burn of its stringent odor. You scoop a generous amount of the salve into your palms and warm it between your hands.
āMotherfucker,ā Sanemi hisses as your hands spread gently across his shoulder, your fingers gingerly massaging the topical into his swollen joint. āShit stings.ā
āYouāre lucky itās not broken,ā you chide, carefully prodding along the joint in search of anything that may be amiss ā an odd lump or gap, signaling something hasnāt been reset properly. āAt least, I donāt think it is.ā
āYour medical expertise is astounding,ā Sanemi drolls, but he winces again as your fingers press against a particularly tender spot. You step away from him with a huff and fish your phone out of your pocket, hands still slathered with ointment.
āIām not a doctor,ā you shoot back. āAnd since you refuse to go see one, the best I can do it give you the advice of the internet.ā
You ignore his grumblings as you search for treatments for dislocated joints. You tap on the first link that appears and scroll, eyes narrowed as you read.
āYouāre in luck. It seems like you wonāt die,ā you say dryly. āBut youāre going to have a nasty bruise.ā You purse your lips, eyes scanning the article on your phone. āAnd this says youāre supposed to rest ā not overexert the joint.ā You reach to tug playfully on a lock of his hair. āI donāt suppose youāre actually going to do that, though.ā
He twists and flashes you a mischievous smirk over his shoulder. āYou know me too well, Princess.ā
You roll your eyes and snort, tossing your phone onto your table in favor of reaching for a discarded kitchen towel to wipe off the excess icy hot from your hands.
Youāre about to tell him to put his shirt back on and stop flaunting the muscles he just canāt seem to help but show everyone he has when your eyes snag on a mark that rests squarely between his shoulder blades.
You wouldnāt have noticed it but for the shiny redness surrounding it, a clear contrast to the rest of his skin. But the longer your stare at it, the more clear its abnormality. The mark is puffy and raised, but thereās a distinct pattern to it that makes the hair on the back of your neck curl.
A brand, you realize with horror. Someone has branded him like cattle.
Your finger reaches to trace over the ridges seared into his skin before you can think the better of it. Sanemi twitches under your touch, a small shudder skirting down his spine as he tilts his head back toward you.
āUgly, aināt it?ā His tone is unreadable. āLike a collar, ācept itās permanent.ā
Though he tends to err on the side of caution when it comes to discussing the Corps, you at least know what is role is within it. He told you: debt collector. Mostly monetary debts.
But the brand has nothing to do with money. No, the symbol burned into his skin ā the one that stands for Kill ā is a neon sign of a reminder that Sanemiās duties can and do entail another kind of collection.
A chill snakes down your spine. Youād had your suspicions, of course, youāre not stupid. But seeing it confirmed by a brand of all things is a lightning rod through your chest.
Sanemi must sense your stare against his back, and you hear his rueful smile though you canāt see his face. āGuess itās fitting, since Iām their dog.ā
There it is; confirmation of what he is, as though it were possible to forget. You donāt know why youād held out in letting its weight settle over you. Nor do you know why your brain had refused, for a moment, to reconcile the Sanemi who brought cheap beer and greasy fast food to your apartment for a night of trash television and book reviews with the one before you now, branded with inexorable reminder of what his duties are when he steps outside and debts go unpaid; when scores go uneven.
Your eyes slide to his gun, resting atop your table. It may has well have been smoking.
āItās barbaric,ā you murmur. You never offer much of an opinion on the tidbits of information about his life he shares with you, unwilling to make him feel as though you arenāt someone he can confide in.
But the sight of the brand scorched between his shoulder blades stokes something ugly and angry within you. Youāre grateful his back is to you so you can furtively rub your hand over your prickling eyes before he can see you do something stupid, like cry.
He tilts his head back until it rests against your abdomen. āThank you,ā he murmurs, his eyes drifting shut.
You freeze for a moment, your anger temporarily suspended against your uncertainty of whether you should step back or remain. Youāve touched Sanemi a thousand different ways ā youāve grabbed his arm, smacked him upside his thick head, and elbowed him more times than you can count.
But this; this is something far different from your teasing nudges of the past. This small gesture feels infinitely more tender. Gentle.
Intimate.
Sanemi has never not been the picture of cocky brashness, especially around you. His priggish smirk was a constant, only ever dampened by the occasional alert on his phone ā the one that meant he had to stop being yours for the night, and go be theirs.
But this Sanemi? This peaceful, eased, vulnerable version of your best friend is wholly uncharted territory. And perhaps itās because he looks so unguarded this way, his face relaxed and his eyes closed, that you feel so flustered.
You brush his hair away from his forehead. At the first graze of your fingers along his scalp, Sanemi leans further into you with something akin to a moan.
Hot; everything feels so damn hot, the air in your apartment suddenly too thick. Too oppressive.
Yet, you donāt stop; your fingers keep raking through his hair, surprisingly silky.
You think he may have fallen asleep in your chair, but after another moment of your hands carding through his hair, Sanemi stands. You step away instantly, and you avert your eyes while he pulls his shirt back over his head, cursing softly as he works it over his injured shoulder.
Sanemi turns to you and clears his throat roughly. āThanks again. Donāt know what I wouldāve done without ya.ā
You wave him off with an exaggerated eye roll, eager to conceal the redness in your cheeks. āOh please, Iām just your neighborhood book supplier and occasional first aid nurse.ā
A sudden sobriety passes over his features, clouding over that all too familiar smirk with something heavier.
āNo,ā he murmurs and his hand absently lifts to tuck a stray lock of hair behind your ear. āNo, youāre more than that.ā His palm lingers against your cheek and his voice quiets to a hoarse whisper. āMuch more.ā
For a moment, you wonder if heāll lean in; if heāll show you whether his lips are as warm as his touch.
His eyes drop briefly to your mouth and your stomach somersaults at the thought he might be considering it, too. But the clouds part and Sanemi withdraws from you with an affection flick against the tip of your nose.
And then he turns and leaves.
You sink back against your door after you close it behind him and slide to your floor. You remain there for a long while after, your mind little more than a gnarled tangle of brambles you canāt begin to pick through. But even despite the complicated mess of thoughts and emotions knotted together in your head, one thing stands clear: youād wanted to kiss him.
And for a moment, you swear heād wanted to, as well.
An old rumor, one you hadnāt considered since your very first interaction with him, resurfaces in your mind. The one that had less to do with him in the Corps, and more so involved his activities outside of it.
The rumor that he cycles through the bodies he uses to warm his bed more frequently than you change the sheets on yours.
Your cheeks heat, and you shake your head to clear away the sudden, intrusive images of Sanemi tangled in the throes of passion with some faceless stranger that fill your imagination. You donāt care what those blasted rumors claim; you know him. And whatās more, you know that what you feel for him is stronger than anything youāve ever felt toward anyone.
Youāre in love with Sanemi.
It is his face you see at night before you fall asleep; itās his touch you imagine in those secret moments in your bed or in the shower, when youāre desperate and aching.
Itās he who makes you feel most at ease; the one person you feel truly sees you, thinks youāre actually worth something.
Youāve never really known love before. But itās because youāre such a novice that you know your feelings are true; powerful. You know what he is ā what he thinks he is. And you know that you will never want anyone else; you canāt.
You wonāt.
ā
Three rules. Thatās all he had to do, was follow three simple fucking rules.
Donāt speak. No patterns. And donāt get overly attached.
It had been easy, so easy, to follow them. If there was one thing Sanemi believed he could pride himself on, it had been his steadfast adherence to the Corpsā rules. Number three, in particular.
Until you. Until the day heād chosen your bookstore to hide in.
Because that was when Sanemi decided that those rules were really more like guidelines; malleable. Heād let himself cast them aside out of a desperation for human connection. And heād justified his carelessness by convincing himself that as long as he maintained some semblance compliance with the unspoken code of the Corps.
Sanemi had built his own set of rules around the foundation of his friendship with you, a wall of stone around the glass castle meant to ensure you would not be cut by its shards should it ever shatter.
He would not be your liability, nor would you be his.
But now, heās too deep; Sanemi knows heās gotten in way too fucking deep with you.
Until this moment, he imagined heād managed to toe the line of this internal code that applied only to his relationship with you, save a handful of instances when heād let himself blur it.
As it turns out, heād been dead fucking wrong. Because heās pretty sure you just asked him to cross the last major boundary heād set for himself when it came to you.
So, Sanemi only gapes at you. āWhat?ā
You huff, impatient. āI want you to fuck me.ā
You say it like itās the most obvious thing in the world ā as though you havenāt just ripped the floor out from beneath him and sent him falling directly on his ass.
If he didnāt know you were dead serious, he wouldāve laughed in your face. And thatās how he knows heās fucked.
Youāre a virgin; he knows that, because youād drunkenly confessed it to him two weeks prior, tipsy on the cheap beer heād brought over for your weekly movie night together.
Admittedly, heād been surprised. You were beautiful ā not that beauty was a requirement for a good fuck, but you didnāt seem the type to go for random hookups, unlike him. Still, he wouldāve thought youād had some prior relationship where the opportunity would have arisen.
As it turned out, youād never been in a relationship, either.
Between long gulps of your drink, youād asked him to fix it and heād turned you down ā his tolerance for watery beer far surpassed your own, and Sanemi Shinazugawa wasnāt the type to sleep with someone who couldnāt fully consent.
So heād let you down ā but not before he kissed you. It was only once; soft, the way you deserved to be kissed. His lips met yours and suddenly, the gaping hole in his chest felt smaller; fuller. Kissing you felt like coming home, even though Sanemi was sure heād never fully known what home truly felt like.
And then he parted from you with an affectionate flick on your nose to cover the way his heart clenched at the visible disappointment in your eyes.
Heād boldly kissed you twice more after that night ā one a quick, cheeky peck when you went in to hug him, an act done more to fluster you than to sate any desire of his, no matter how he craved more of you.
The other happened only three nights prior, and it was anything but soft and sweet.
One of Sanemiās fellow Hashira, Kanae, hadnāt been seen in several days, and no one had been able to get in touch with her. When sheād missed a scheduled patrol of one of the neighborhoods in the Silo, he and another member, Iguro, had been sent to check on her.
Theyād found her in the kitchen of the small home sheād shared with her two sisters with a hole in her head and her brains splattered across the floor.
Curled under the protective stretch of her limp arms, had been her two sisters, both bearing matching bullet wounds to their skulls.
Kizuki, most likely. They were the only ones brave enough to target someone as high ranked as Kanae.
Their blood had still been fresh, and the stench of decay and rot hadnāt yet set in, which only told them that the girls had been held for several days, forced to endure unknown horrors at the hands of their murderers.
He hadnāt been particularly close with the woman, but as his rank equal, sheād had his respect. But now she and her adolescent sisters were nothing more than smears of brain matter and skull fragments to be scraped off the linoleum of their kitchen floor and quietly buried. Forgotten.
The hours passed by in a blur once Kochoās death was called into the higher-ups, and Sanemi didnāt remember cleaning up the scene anymore than he remembered the solitary trek back. His mind and his body disconnected, and he only snapped back to reality when he realized he was standing in front of your apartment, unsure of how or when heād begun walking in its direction.
He knew he should turn around and go home; there was nothing you could do for him right then, he shouldnāt bother you ā
His fist was pounding on your door before he could think better of it.
Despite the late hour, youād greeted him with a broad smile and a shy hi. Your hair had been damp, and he could smell the floral sweetness of your shampoo still mixed with the steam from your shower as it spilled into the hall.
Safe; you were safe.
Your door had still been hanging wide open as Sanemi surged forward, trapping your face in his hands to crash his lips down against yours, his kiss heavy and hot.
Youād broken away long enough to ask, āS-Sanemi ā what ā?ā
āShut up,ā heād snarled, slanting his mouth back over yours, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip. Heād half expected you to shove him away, perhaps to even aim a knee right at his crotch, yet youād only buried your fingers in his hair and tugged him closer.
He backed you up against the wall opposite of your entryway, though heād moved his hand to cup the back of your head to keep it from banging against the exposed brick.
You moaned into the kiss and Sanemi lost whatever shred of sense heād managed to cling onto. His tongue swept along your bottom lip, and the hand cupping the back of your head loosely pulled at your hair, tugging your head to the side and signaling you to open up ā to let him in.
And you did. And the first brush of his tongue against yours as he licked into your mouth ignited an inferno within him that he did not know how to tame.
His hands pushed under your sweatshirt, seeking out the comforting warmth of your skin. Higher and higher they rose, until they came to rest against your ribs, and Sanemi realized you were bare ā completely bare ā beneath your hoodie.
That youād allowed him to toe so dangerously close to a line neither of you could cross had clouded every bit of his judgment. The thought that heād only have to move his hands mere centimeters to touch you in a way no other had before had sent him reeling, and his hips were beyond his control when they pinned yours against the wall and ground into you.
But your single gasp into his mouth broke the spell, and with more regret than Sanemi knew he should feel, he broke away, leaving you both breathless and panting.
Without a word, heād turned around and stalked right back out of your apartment, closing your door firmly behind him.
Heād sent a text only a few minutes later ā a single, ominous reminder to you to lock your door, deadbolt and all.
He hadnāt the stomach to explain his cryptic warning; not as the sight of Kocho remained burned into his retinas.
So, yes, heās blurred a few lines when it comes to you. But those had only been kisses; heavy touching aside, heād never allowed himself to go further than that.
No matter how much he wanted to.
And itās because he knows he canāt cross this last line ā canāt open you up to risk more than he already has, that he meets your expectant stare with a rueful smile.
āYouāre better off asking someone else, Princess. You donāt want to get tangled up with someone like me.ā
Never mind that youāre already tangled up with him ā but heās managed to uphold this last boundary, and Sanemi has convinced himself that as long as it remains in place, he canāt ruin you the way Kocho and her young sisters were ruined.
āI donāt want to ask someone else,ā you fold your arms across your chest and cock your hip out, defiant. Normally, Sanemi finds your stubbornness endearing, if not adorable, but not now; not when you should know better.
A low growl of your name is his warning. āYou donāt know what youāre asking āā
āItās you I want. I donāt care what the rumors say, I donāt care what anyone thinks ā including you.ā
The sincerity in your eyes nearly scalds him. āAnd I am not asking as a friend. You and I both know this is more than that.ā
He wants to throttle you. Not literally of course, he could never ā but he wants to shake the sense youāre so clearly lacking back into you until you see; until you understand.
Of course he wants you. He has wanted you for months ā so much so, he hardly can focus on anything else. And heās pent up. He hasnāt had the stomach to fuck anyone else. Not since he began falling asleep and waking up to thoughts of you and your touch, of how you might look under or above him, wanton and desperate. Or how you might feel in his arms; on his tongue.
Really, itās been quite a blow to his rather wild reputation throughout the Silo. But God knows he has tried to fill the you-shaped void in his heart, but nothing ā no one ā has come close.
More than anything, he wants you to be his, and for him to be yours. He longs to be the Sanemi who takes you out on dates, who kisses you freely without the compulsive need to check over his shoulder, to make sure there arenāt any enemies watching and plotting to strike him right where heās weak. He wants to be the Sanemi you come home to after a long day at the bookstore. The one with whom you plan a future, utterly and completely yours.
But he can never be just Sanemi. He is nothing more than the property of the very organization heās sworn allegiance to; the group whose brand he bears on his skin.
He is not good. He is a curse that will infect you, a poison to your life.
He will rot you from the inside, out.
His friendship with you is selfish. He knows that ā heās always known that, and yet he did not stop. It is selfish because he deluded himself into believing he could actually be someone else when he was with you. Someone worth befriending; perhaps someone worth a little more.
You were right to call him a thief, that day. All he does is take your time and affection when he knows damn well he wonāt give you anything in return, no matter how he wishes he could.
Sanemi wonāt label that thing he holds deep inside his heart which is formed in the shape of your name; not when it could so easily doom you both. But he knows his feelings for you are dangerous, and he cannot allow you to sniff them out.
Because if he does, then this only ends one or two ways: either he lets you in only for you to abandon him once you realize the truth of what he is, or youāre used as a weapon against him.
In either event, he loses you. So it is better to cut this off now, to force you away before either of you become more invested than you already are.
He will not hurt you, but neither will he allow himself to be hurt by you.
You take a step toward him, and the soft whisper of his name sounds like a holy prayer on your lips and thatās how he knows this is wrong.
Your obstinate refusal to recognize him for what he is is a needle digging into his skin, one that whittles away at every wall he has managed to build around his heart, that damnable, soft, dangerous thing that he will not allow you to find; he cannot.
Youāre confusing your roles. He is the vulture and you are his prey, not the other way around. he is not here to give. He is here only to take, and you will let him and then he will leave.
And he will not be the carcass you pick clean only to discard once youāve had your fill.
(A lie, but itās one Sanemi almost believes. Almost.)
But Sanemi knows you; he knows you better than he knows anything else. You are a constant he has become far too dependent upon, and you are precious ā far too precious to him to continue to indulging.
He knows you are too good, too loyal in your feelings to forget about him, even if he disappeared from your life entirely.
A clean break. it is the only thing that will force you to forget him and move on, find another, someone good and whole and not a broken, misshapen thing like him.
He will show you who he really is. He will show you that he could never be just Sanemi, and he sure as hell canāt ever be yours.
Better; you deserve better, so he will become worse.
He advances on you, his step heavy and imposing, and you have enough sense to scurry back from him. But he is too quick and soon he has you caged against the wall of your studio, literally backed into a corner.
āYou want me?ā He is scathing and he loathes himself for it, but he canāt stop. Not when heās desperate to save you from the blight of himself.
You shouldnāt; you canāt.
But you nod, damn you. Wide-eyed, you nod and he resents the certainty reflected in your gaze.
His mouth twists into a cruel sneer. āYou want to say youāve had a taste of the lowlife, huh?ā
Your eyebrows knit together. āSanemi, thatās not āā
But he canāt stop his venom. āBragging rights, thatās all youāre after, right? You want to be like one of the characters in your stories ā the good girl who makes an honest man outta the good-for-nothing villain.ā
āStop it,ā you bite, and your eyes harden. āYouāre acting like an asshole.ā
Youāre angry. Good. Sanemi knows how to deal in anger.
āHate to break it to ya, sweetheart, but Iām not acting like an asshole. I am one.ā
Your hackles raise, and you step away from the wall and toward him, bold in your fury. āI know you want to believe you are, but youāre not āā
Sanemiās hand shoots out to grab a fistful of your hair. āIs that so?ā You yelp as he wrenches your head back, your neck straining. āThen maybe I oughta bend you over and fuck you like I would any other cheap whore. Then you can tell me what you think I am.ā
Your eyes water as the grip in your hair tightens.
Good, he thinks savagely. Let you see the monster he truly was, let you know he was his bastard fatherās son, and that heād be no different, no different at all. Heās a brute, and you donāt want that, you donāt want him ā
āYou can do whatever it is you want,ā you manage, you throat tight. And Sanemiās eyes blow wide at the soft, watery smile that forms on your lips despite the tears that escape the corners of your eyes. āDo to me what you like; I donāt mind, as long as itās you.ā
All at once, his ire with you and your bewildering devotion to him melts away, leaving nothing behind but a deep well of guilt, bitter and acerbic.
It isnāt that you think he might take you forcefully and harshly; after all, heās only shown you heās entirely capable of doing so.
Itās that you would let him. Without a shred of doubt, he knows you would offer yourself to him to use however he wants, and that youād do it with a smile not unlike the one youāre wearing right now, soft and earnest.
Fuck, you just did.
And itās that realization that has Sanemiās hand loosening from your hair, his eyes softening. An errant tear escapes down your cheek and he moves to brush it away, but you close your eyes the moment you spy his knuckle nearing your face.
You do not flinch, but you are steeling yourself in anticipation of expected cruelty, and the front heās put forth crumbles to dust.
He is a monster, but not for the reasons heās used to justify this ugly display of his. Heās a monster because he has made you believe that this treatment is acceptable ā an unavoidable cost of intimacy, no matter how fleeting.
Worse, heās done the one thing heād sworn never to do to any woman, let alone someone as good and as dear as you.
Heād only wanted to disgust you; enrage you, so that you would kick him out of both your apartment and your life, right out on his sorry ass like he deserved.
But this is worse. He has frightened you.
He recoils from you like a kicked dog. āI didnāt mean to scare you.ā
He stands awkwardly as you stare at him, wide-eyed and uncertain, and each second that ticks silently by only amplifies the oily well of guilt in his stomach.
He clears his throat. āIāll go,ā he says roughly, too ashamed to meet your eyes. āāM sorry, I didnāt āā
Your hand grabs his bicep, anchoring him in place. āI want you to stay.ā
āYou donāt owe me anything āā
āItās not about owing you,ā you interject, lifting your hands to take his face between your palms. āI want you. I want this.ā
You prove your point by taking his hand and guiding it to your waist. You hold it there, mouth set in a determined line as you inch closer to him.
āYou deserve someone else,ā Sanemi canāt stop the admission from rolling off his tongue. āBetter.ā
But youāre already shaking your head, as though you somehow know different. āThere is no one better; I only want you.ā
Idiot, he thinks as you rise up on your tiptoes, your arms winding around his shoulders as the distance between your bodies grows narrower. Youāre an idiot.
You canāt possibly believe heās as good as it gets. Heās used you as a distraction this whole time, a chance to forget the things heās done and what heāll be required to do in the future. Surely, you must know that.
He will hurt you; itās in his nature. Itās unavoidable. He canāt be what you deserve.
But then your lips brush gently against his and the last of his resolve crumbles.
Sanemi melts into your kiss. He brings one hand to cradle the side of your face as the one braced against your waist shorts, until he wraps his arms around you and tugs you closer to him.
This kiss is gentle in every way the last was not. Sanemiās lips are soft moving against yours, his hands almost hesitant in how they hold you. For a moment, he imagines himself not as the selfish, hard brute he knows he is, but instead as the gentle, giving lover he wants so desperately to be. One who is worthy of someone as kind and vibrant as you, and not the trash youād be better off leaving out on the street.
The tentativeness with which he kisses you tempers some as his tongue flicks out against your bottom lip. You answer his silent request with enthusiasm, your fingers burying themselves in his hair as you haul yourself closer. The moment Sanemiās tongue sweeps into your waiting mouth, you buckle against him with the sweetest sigh heās ever heard. One of pure relief, as though youād been burning and he was your balm.
Ironic, considering heās only adding gasoline to this fire between you.
But thereās nothing he can do now except allow the flames to consume you both.
Soon, the shy curiosity with which he explores your mouth gives way to a mutual hunger, evident by how he feels as though heās boiling alive while you gasp and sigh into him, your fingers tugging pleadingly at his hair.
You want more, and he needs you, too.
His nose nuzzles against yours as he bends down, his hands running along the bare expanse of your legs. The ground beneath your feet disappears as Sanemi gathers you up easily into his arms.
One of your arms is looped around his neck while your other hand cups his face, turning it toward yours as he carries you to your bed. Your thumb smooths absently over the scar that cuts across his cheek and then your lips seek out his once more. His kiss is as gentle as the hand squeezing your waist, his fingers slotting into the gap between your sweatshirt and the top of your sleep shorts, stroking your skin.
He lays you out upon your mattress, grateful youād at least purchased a full bed rather than some shitty twin. Your hands untangle themselves from his hair and instead seek out the waistband of your sleep shorts, but Sanemi covers them with his, halting you.
āDonāt,ā he murmurs between quick, messy kisses. āLet me ā please.ā
Before you can respond, Sanemi sits back and grabs a fistful of his own shirt, yanking it over his head.
Your pupils blow wide at the sight of him and he feels himself hesitate. Sanemi has always felt an easy self confidence when it came to stripping in front of his partners for the night. Heād always been quite proud of his physique, relying on his considerable muscles to mask his deep loathing of his scars.
But in front of you, all sense of self-assuredness goes flying out the window, and suddenly he feels too exposed. His eyes drop to scour the planes of his chest ā have his scars always been this prominent? This thick?
āHoly shit,ā your soft sigh snaps his attention away from the howling inside his head. For one, petrifying moment, he thinks that you are as disgusted with his body as he is, but then he sees the pink flush staining your cheeks.
Your eyes roam hungrily over him and your tongue darts out to wet your lips. You meet his gaze and your pupils are blown wide with desire ā rich, hot need for him.
Your voice is little more than a sultry whisper. āCome here.ā
He moves eagerly to cover your body with his, his hair rumpled and his eyes bright as his lips press hurriedly against yours. Your hands smooth over his pectorals and tease down his abdomen until heās panting, but the moment your nails rake along the skin on either side of his navel, Sanemi moans.
More. He needs more.
He hauls you up from the bed, straddling you across his lap, his hands notched behind your knees as they press into the mattress. You reconnect your lips in a heated kiss, one hand playing with the ends of his snowy hair, the other dropping down his back, settling over the brand seared between his shoulder blades. Covering it.
Yes, he thinks as he nips your bottom lip, urging your mouth to open so he can slide his tongue in to dance with yours. Yes, this is fitting. Because in his ideal world, his life with you would come before any other ā including his with the Corps.
Sanemiās lips begin trailing hotly down your jaw, pausing when he reaches your neck. He finds a particularly sensitive spot with a nip of his teeth that he soothes with his tongue, and he hums in approval at the faint, breathy whimpers that squeak past your lips as you tilt your head, offering more of yourself to him.
The ache burgeoning in his groin in response to your display is enough to drive him insane; he has never wanted anything in his life as badly as he wants this ā you.
As his mouth continues its heated path, his hands find the hem of your hoodie. With a gentleness that surprises even him, Sanemi begins charting your skin with his fingers. With every new plane of your body he explores, he pushes your sweatshirt up, up, up, until he guides it over your head.
He tosses it to the side, not caring for where it lands. His attention is focused solely on you as you fall back against your bed, now bare from the waist up.
āBeautiful,ā he marvels, eyes running over the slope of your shoulder and tracing the curve of your breasts. āSo fuckinā beautiful.ā
He savors every hitched breath, every chill that ripples over your skin as he explores your body with his mouth and hands. Over the years, Sanemi has become well acquainted with the magic of the female body. Heās always liked how soft women were compared to him. He isnāt a picky man; heāll celebrate them all, regardless of their shape or size.
But you? Celebration isnāt enough; you deserve nothing less than outright worship.
āYou feel so damn good,ā he mutters against your breast before closing his lips over your nipple and sucking hard. You bow off the bed with a keening moan that gutters out into something more ragged as his hand covers the other, pinching and rolling your stiffened bud between his fingers.
He could spend all night like this, lavishing your soft mounds with his mouth. But Sanemi knows that wonāt be enough to satisfy the hunger gnawing at both of you, so with a tinge of regret, he forces himself to move on, descending your body in alternating kisses and nips.
He reaches the waistband of your shorts and his eyes flash to yours as he tugs on it with his teeth. The hot exhale of his breath below your navel sends goosebumps across your skin. Sanemiās fingers inch below the hem of your shorts until he loops his hands around the waistband, and he yanks them down your legs in a single, fluid motion.
His eyes rake down your body, taking in every beautiful inch. A blush forms on his cheeks as he realizes all that separates you from him is your simple pair of black underwear.
He sits back, eager to join your near-nudity. His hands are quick, if not a little clumsy, as he finds his belt buckle. The instant the metal clicks and the leather around his hips loosens, Sanemi shoves off his pants, eagerly kicking them off your bed until he is left in nothing but his briefs.
Your eyes fall to where the evidence of his desire protrudes stiffly from between his legs. Sanemi watches your throat pulse as you try to stifle your small gulp, your thighs tensing beneath him in an effort to press together.
He can sense your nerves; can see by the way your eyes dart anxiously between his and the rigid tent in his briefs.
With a gentle smile, Sanemi leans in and soothes your unease with his lips. āWeāll take it as slow as you want. Iām not in any rush.ā
āN-now?ā You murmur between kisses, and he nearly seizes at the hesitant, questioning brush of your fingers against the underside of his shaft.
āNot yet,ā he groans against your mouth. āI gotta make sure youāre ready first.ā
āI am ready -ā
āNot like that,ā he cuts off your protest by ghosting his fingers up the covered seam of you. Sanemi circles his finger around where he thinks your clit is, and he smirks when your head tips back against your pillow, your mouth widening in a silent o.
āFound you,ā he croons, repeating the movement again until your legs begin to twitch beneath him.
He makes quick work of your underwear, tossing them over the side of your bed without much thought. The sight of you bare beneath him nearly stops his heart dead in his chest. His eyes drop to the neat thatch of curls resting at the apex of your thighs, and his mouth waters.
You blush under the intensity of his appreciative stare, and your legs twitch, as though you mean to close them.
A hand sliding between your thighs restrains you from doing so. āUh-uh,ā he tuts. āCanāt hide from me now, sweetheartā.ā
He smooths his hand down the length of your leg until it hovers just outside where heās most eager to explore. The heat radiating from sends his pulse skyrocketing.
One, tentative finger circles your entrance, testing. Sanemi leans in to capture your lips with his as he pushes in, swallowing your soft gasp with his tongue that he slides into your parted mouth.
A moan vibrates in his chest in time with a faint whimper that sounds in the back of your throat as Sanemi begins exploring you. Youāre tight; almost impossibly so, clenching and pulsing around the single finger he gradually sinks inside you, pushing deeper with every gentle pump of his hand.
The thought of your tight, wet heat constricting around the aching length of him just as you were around his finger makes him dizzy with want.
He wonāt go down on you, he decides. Not tonight. Not when heās throbbing this badly after just a couple of fingers; not when your breasts are so plush and soft pressed against his chest where youāre already arcing up into him, sending his mind wild with thoughts of how youāll move under him; how youāll moan.
His lips are hot against your neck, trailing down past your collarbone. Left behind are a series of purplish-maroon whorls blooming beneath his mouth, your skin quickly becoming a tapestry for him to display how badly he wants this. You.
You cling to him, one hand buried in his hair, pulling and tugging at him as the other clutches wildly at his shoulder, your fingers digging hard into his muscles. Your teeth are buried into your bottom lip in an effort to stifle your whimpers, but a needy whine slips out as Sanemi sucks one, soft breast into his mouth, his tongue flicking out across your pert nipple.
Another finger slides into your entrance as his thumb works your clit, and before long, youāre vibrating beneath him, unrestrained in how you moan and cry out for him so beautifully.
āSanemi! I think ā oh, I think Iām -ā but then he crooks his fingers, brushing against a rough spot deep within you that makes you writhe. You thrash back hard against the bed, your hips grinding against his hand with abandon.
He smothers a curse into your skin. Youāre close and he knows it; can feel it in the way your walls flutter and pulse around him. And as desperate as he is to study how you fall apart, itās too soon.
āNot yet,ā he pants against your breast, circling your nipple with his tongue before imparting a final nip at the soft flesh and drawing back.
Remorseful, he pulls his fingers away from you, leaving you panting and flushed under him. But the hot, searing flames of desire burning beneath his skin intensify still, as he takes your hand and guides it between your legs.
āThere. Feel how wet you are?ā His voice is husky with want. You peer up at him through heavily lidded eyes as you nod, a whimper vibrating in your throat as Sanemi grinds your hand against your sensitive flesh.
āFor you,ā your voice is syrupy and warm, and damn if Sanemi doesnāt feel like he could get drunk on it. āItās all for you.ā
His tone sharpens into something possessive; hungry. āThatās right,ā and he pushes your hand firmly against your clit and rotates it, eliciting a deep moan from you. āBecause youāre mine.ā
Itās not fair. But he wants to pretend like itās true, if only for a while.
Once your fingers are sufficiently shiny with your own wetness, he brings your hand to his mouth, his tongue peeking out from between his lips. Slowly and languidly, he drags it up the side of your digits, and his eyes burn into yours as he slides your fingers into his mouth and sucks them clean.
It takes everything in him not to moan at the sweet taste of you that floods his tongue.
Heād made the right decision in not going down on you. If he had, heād never be able to pull away; not until his face had become so adorned with your essence that he could not comprehend anything that wasnāt you. Not until you were trembling under him and begging for a break.
The first time you cum will be on him; with him. So as much as it pains him, he resists your temptation.
But not before you know; not before you understand exactly how wild you drive him. How much you threaten his sanity.
āJesus Christ,ā he rasps as he pulls your hand away from his mouth. āHere.ā
His hand his gentle but firm as he grips your chin, squeezing your jaw until your mouth parts. The question in your gaze dissolves, your eyes instead rolling back into your head, as Sanemi slides the two fingers heād just had between your thighs, still covered in your wetness, past your lips.
āGo on,ā he orders, his other hand brushing your hair from your face. āTaste how fuckinā perfect you are.ā
The moan that slips free from your lips is one he wishes he could bottle up as your tongue caresses his fingers, your cheeks hollowing so fucking perfectly around him as you dutifully clean yourself from him.
Fuck, youāre trying to kill him.
But some of the burning he feels ebbs as the sobering weight of whatās to come settles over him; the magnitude of what he is about to do. Because no matter what happens after, nothing between you will be the same. Whatever else you are after tonight ā whether thatās something or nothing ā you will never be just friends again.
Sanemi supposes the punishment fits his crime; this is what he gets for getting in too deep with you, even if it means losing you entirely.
He chases away those thoughts by running his hands down your sides before he pulls back, leaving you in favor of shucking his briefs down his thighs.
Finally bare, heās quick to drape his body over yours once more, his hands smoothing up and down your sides, unable to quench his need to feel your skin against his. But a foreign uncertainty stills him, and his eyes flash to yours, hesitant.
āAre you sure?ā
You answer only by reaching to grip the back of his neck, tugging him down to meet your lips, your kiss feverish and urgent.
He doesnāt have a condom but heās in too deep now to stop. In a way, what is about to happen is new to him as well. Heās never fucked anyone raw before. No matter who heād had in his bed, no matter how much they begged him or assured him they were on birth control, heād always been sure to have protection on hand.
Children are a gift, but heād be damned if anyone tried to come after him and demand he raise one in his fucked up world. Either Sanemi got out or he never became a parent; there was no middle ground.
But once again, he is blurring boundaries where you were concerned, and Sanemi doesnāt think he knows how to stop himself from having the full taste in the indulgence that was you.
āIt might hurt a moment,ā he admits against your mouth, his voice raspy. āBut I promise Iāll be gentle ā as gentle as I can.ā
You stretch to kiss him again, your lips soft and warm and everything he loves. āI trust you.ā
You shouldnāt, he wants to say. You shouldnāt, and you should run far away from this ā from me.
But Sanemi knows you wonāt just as much as he knows he doesnāt have it in him to try and chase you away, and so he only kisses you back, slow and indulgent.
He breaks away from you with a soft groan and sits up on his knees. His back straight, Sanemiās hands curl around your hips and he tugs you forward until your backside is flush against his thighs.
The heat radiating from you pulls him in like a magnet as he lines the tip of his cock up with your entrance. A vein above his brow ticks, the only outward sign of the battle raging within him as his self restraint wars with his tantalizing urge to impale you on the thick, throbbing length of him, desperate for the sweet relief only your body can give.
Every inch of him trembles as Sanemi presses his hips forward. āFuck,ā he exhales shakily, pushing his tip past your entrance. āFuck.ā
His head falls back and the muscles in his throat strain. Some small, needy sound leaves him and the fingers on your hip tighten nearly to the point of pain.
The noise registers in the back of your mind, and vaguely, you recognize it as a whimper. You wonder whether he makes that sound for the others; somehow you doubt it, given that he does it again, only now in the shape of your name.
The rumors always said he never asked for names; he was a one-and-done kind of man. A great fuck, but not someone to go to if you were looking for comfort; softness.
Once again, Sanemi is nothing but a collection of contradictions, especially where youāre concerned.
Sanemi hisses as he slowly eases into you. Despite your wetness, youāre impossibly tight, and your body is a live wire hell bent on pushing out his intrusion.
With a deep groan, he falls forward, one arm shooting out to land near your head to catch himself before he can crash into you. His weight carefully braced above you, Sanemi shifts, widening the stance of his knees. Your legs slide up his waist, locking at your ankles at the base of his spine.
His cock is barely a quarter of the way inside your heat when he pulls out. A whine of protest mounts in your throat, but it quickly flickers out when he presses his leaking tip to your clit and grinds. A soft moan slips out of you when he repeats the movement again, and your thighs widen, your hips tilting up to allow him easier access.
Sanemi circles the head of his cock once more against your sensitive nub, coating himself in more of your sticky wetness, before he slides back into your entrance. This time, your body parts more easily around him, sucking him in rather than trying to squeeze him out.
āThere you go, thatās it,ā his breath is hot against your ear, his lips trailing silkily across your jaw. āThatās my girl.ā
Halfway in, Sanemi brushes against that thin barrier that separates him from the rest of you, and he stills.
He pulls his head back from your neck, and moves his hand out from between your legs to cup your cheek.
āReady?ā His thumb strokes over your cheekbone, tender and soft.
There is a tightness building in your abdomen, a foreign pressure that isnāt entirely unwelcome, but neither is it wholly comfortable. You brace a hand at your side, balling your sheets into your fist as you steady yourself, flushed and panting beneath the scar speckled man holding rigidly still above you.
Your eyes flick up once, and you see the tightness in his jaw; the tremble in his limbs as he fights against the urge to relief the friction mounting where you are joined.
You swallow around the lump of anticipation lodged in your throat. Your breath is shaky, but at last, you manage a single āPlease.ā
With a groan, he grips himself around his base and slowly, he presses forward. There is a sharp prick that shoots deep in your lower abdomen as Sanemi surges past that thin inner wall.
You cannot stop your cry of discomfort from ringing out anymore than you can stop the surprised tears which escape the corners of your eyes as the sharp pain between your legs intensifies.
But then Sanemiās lips are there, kissing away your tears, and the hand heād used to guide himself into your body skims along the outside of your thigh, hiking your leg higher up his waist before it drops to rub gentle circles into your hip.
āIām sorry,ā he murmurs between soothing caresses of his lips against your cheeks and across your eyelids. āIām sorry. Iām sorry.ā
He coos his string of apologies as his cock continues to push into you. On and on he sinks, his length endless, and you begin to think your body will split in two before you find the end of his.
Just before you reach your limit, Sanemi stills, fully embedded in your heat. He pants through gritted teeth, his jaw locked against the way youāre constricting around him so tightly itās nearly painful.
Itās unreal; not only does Sanemi realize how much fucking better sex feels without the restriction of a condom, but heās also bashed over the head with the realization that you were made for him. For nothing, no one has ever felt as incredible as you.
Nothing in his life has ever felt so right.
Sanemi has always been someone who fucks fast and hard. Heād had no objective other than to escape for a few, blissful moments in the body of another as he pretended not to feel the hollowness in his chest, or the throb of his own self-loathing.
With you, however, he wants nothing more than to relish every movement of your body against his, to savor your every gasp and sigh; to learn what makes you lose control.
You are no temporary distraction; he wants to know you.
He drops his forehead against yours and waits, allowing you to adjust to the intrusion of him.
He trails his lips across your collar bone and down to the twin swells of your breasts, sucking softly at your plush skin as you fidget and squirm beneath him. One broad hand skirts down the outside of your thigh until he finds your knee, and gently he guides your leg around his hips. The other he leaves relaxed against the bed, your foot resting somewhere against his calf.
When your eyes flutter open and find his, he knows youāre ready. So he moves his arm out from between your bodies and winds it instead around your waist, deepening the arch in your back until his chest is flush with yours.
His lips press to your forehead, a silent warning that he is about to move.
And then Sanemi begins molding your body to the shape of his.
He starts slow. He doesnāt withdraw far from you, instead focusing on rolling his hips against yours. Each churn of his groin pushes his cock deeper into your warmth, and soon, your timid whimpers melt into soft moans as your initial discomfort gives way to pleasure.
Encouraged by the way your body starts to relax in his embrace, Sanemi tests drawing his cock out a few inches before plunging back into you.
Before long, the room fills with the lewd sounds of skin slapping against skin, and Sanemiās moans join yours as he rapidly becomes lost in the euphoria of your wet, tight heat.
One of your arms jumps to lock around his ribs, your nails sinking into his skin as you anchor yourself to him.
His hand snakes across the sheets in search of yours. When he finds it, fisted against your sheets, he pries your fingers loose, winding them with his and he wraps your arm around his shoulders.
āTighter,ā he gasps. āHold me tighter. Please.ā
Your fingers dig into the muscles of his back and Sanemi groans his approval.
And then heās rolling to his side, pulling you along with him until youāre stretched out across the length of your mattress, chest to chest.
His hand grips under your thigh, tugging it over his hip as he rocks harder into you. āTalk to me, angel,ā the hand under your thigh moves to splay across your rear, pushing and pulling your hips in time with his as he grinds. āTell me how you feel ā tell me what you want.ā
You cry out, mournful, as Sanemi draws out his cock nearly to its tip before he plunges back into you.
The fullness you feel is overwhelming. You canāt stand that empty feeling, even for a moment. So you hitch your leg higher around his hip, and dig the heel of your foot into the firmness of his ass, limiting his movements.
āCloser!ā You gasp. āI ā I need you closer.ā
He needs that too, he decides; craves it. He doesnāt want to feel any space between your bodies. He wants ā he needs ā to be so enraptured with you that there is no point in trying to separate. That way, he might get to keep you for just a little longer.
Sanemiās hand massages your backside, his cock throbbing with every push into you. āDeeper,ā he confirms between throaty groans. āYou want me deeper?ā
You bury your face into his shoulder. Your teeth sink into his skin and with a moan, you nod.
He can do that; is more than happy to, as a matter of fact.
So, with a faint snarl, Sanemi grips the fat of your ass and spreads you wide, and he begins thrusting, hard.
The new angle allows the tip of his cock to bump up against a sweet spot deep inside you. Sanemiās eyes narrow at the way your head drops back, a loud cry tearing from your throat.
Determined to hit that point within you again and again, he shifts his hips under you while hiking your leg higher up his hip, his fingers digging into the curve of your ass.
Itās a success; soon, your wails echo throughout your studio, punctuated by every punishing slap of his skin against yours.
Really, he canāt give less of a damn at how thin your apartment walls are. The sounds pouring from your mouth are the prettiest fucking thing heās ever heard.
Something hot and electric mounts quickly in your stomach with each of his frenetic movements. Youāve come before with your own hand, but this ā this is something different. Something far more intense, something that threatens to rip you apart from your very sanity until you know nothing but him.
You try and tell him youāre losing control but all that comes out is a pitiful whimper.
But he knows; he knows exactly what you need.
āIām here, baby, Iām here. Iāve got you.ā And with that, Sanemi rolls you back underneath him, settling into the cradle of your thighs and pushing his cock faster and deeper into you. His arms gently unwind yours from his shoulders, and he brings them up over your head, one large hand pinning them down.
āIāll take care of you, sweet girl,ā he promises, and he weaves the fingers of the hand keeping you pressed against the mattress with your own. āJust keep your legs around me.ā
Your thighs squeeze his waist in silent answer, your mind far too suspended in the throes of your pleasure to do anything else.
With his lips trailing along your neck leaving hot, open-mouthed kisses in its wake, his free hand slides between your sweat-slicked bodies. He wedges it between where his groin is pressed to yours, and he searches along your sensitive, swollen folds, seeking the spot between your thighs that made you tremble and whine for him earlier.
You jolt under him as his fingers find you again, that foreign, electric sensation sparking deep in your abdomen. āSanemi āā
āItās okay,ā he murmurs sweetly, pressing down on your clit until you arch further into him with a gasp. āItās gonna feel so good, baby, I promise. Just focus on me.ā
Each rotation of his hand against your sensitive bead matched the deep, pointed roll of his groin, with Sanemi capping the end of every powerful thrust with alternating pulses of his thumb. The pressure he uses mounts with every churn of his hips, and the moan vibrating in your chest as another surge of sticky wetness gushes from your thighs is the sweetest sound he thinks heās ever heard.
A broken chant of please please please stutters its way out of you, spurning him to go faster; hit deeper.
And Sanemi only knows how to oblige you.
āYouāre doing so fucking good, sweetheart. Just keep letting me take care of you ā- thatās it.ā He curses as you clench down around him, crying out in approval at his praise. āYeah, yeah. Youāre my fuckinā girl, arenāt you?ā
A single wail of his name is your only response, but itās enough of a confirmation to damn you both.
āYou are,ā he affirms, his voice taking on the timber of a growl. āMine. Youāre fuckinā mine.ā
His thrusts grow sloppier with every second, though each is punctuated by a silent, recurring chant of mine, mine, mine. Though your eyes are closed, Sanemi can spy a faint sliver of white peeking out from between your eyelids.
Youāre close; he can feel it. And he knows, as the walls of your cunt flutter and tighten around him, that your climax will be his undoing.
The hands he has pinned against the mattress over your head flex as you twist and writhe beneath him. your head tosses from from side to side, and the vibrato of your cries rises octave by octave. Every muscle in your body is tense; you are a live wire thrumming with a need to come apart that he knows you do not fully understand.
Sanemi grunts as he fucks you harder into your bed, no longer concerned with keeping his weight off you. He will show you; he will show you how to shatter, and then he too, will break.
But he needs to see you, first.
āLook at me,ā his voice beckons you back from the precipice of ruin. āLook at me, Y/N.ā
Your eyes open to meet his and suddenly youāre right back at that edge, only this time, youāre falling freely over it, plummeting down a drop that has no end.
āS-Sanemi ā!ā Itās all you can manage before the knot steadily building in your stomach unravels. Your back arcs sharply away from your bed, and Sanemi ducks his head to smother his own cry against your breast as he takes its tip into his hot mouth.
Your hips jerk and twitch against his, your cunt seizing around him with force that threatens to squeeze the life out of him. Above you, your arms strain and pull against his grip as you writhe and sing for him.
āThatās it baby, thatās it,ā Sanemiās praise is muffled against your sternum, though it is strangled as he nears his own end. āFuck!ā
Heāll have to buy you the morning-after pill tomorrow, he realizes as you continue to come apart so beautifully on his cock, a soft chant of his name the only thing on your lips. He will not force you to bear the consequences of his own selfishness; he will not saddle you with his burden.
But heās also not strong enough to pull out; not when your body feels like it was made for him, not when your sweet cunt is gripping him this hard, is this wet ā all because of him.
He is selfish and he is weak; itās a toxic combination, and yet he knows cannot stop.
Sanemiās hips snap a final time against yours, pushing them up and away from the mattress, pressing deeper than he thought possible. His eyes roll back as his own orgasm rocks through him, powerful and blinding, and the growl that built in his throat melts into a strained groan.
He holds you in place, his cock pulsing in time with your cunt while the two of you ride out the waves of your climax together, his cum steadily filling you with his warmth. Your hands skirt down the length of his arms, blindly searching for his hips. When you find him, you pull and tug, a faint whine sounding from the back of your throat. Sanemi answers your plea with a broken moan of his own and he rocks against you, your hips circling with his until he finally lets you collapse against your mattress, limp-limbed and exhausted.
He follows you down, smothering you with his weight as he clings to you like a lifeline, his face buried in the crook of your neck.
āFuck, you did so good, sweetheart. So fuckinā good.ā He moans into your ear before he pulls back, his eyes searching your face as he pants.
One hand cradles your jaw and his thumb strokes repeatedly over the flushed curve of your cheek. āYou okay?ā
You donāt answer right away, your eyes shut tight, and Sanemi feels panic bubble hot in his stomach. The hand cupping your face tightens with his worried call of your name, his fear rearing its ugly head, ready to rip him apart, to turn him into the horrid monster heās always known he was ā
āI love you,ā and then youāre peering up at him, eyes round and shining with emotion he does not deserve to feel. āI love you, Sanemi.ā
It wouldāve hurt less if youād shot him.
Whatever wall remained around his heart cracks and crumbles under the weight of your confession. Sanemi does not answer, cannot find the words to adequately capture the depth of his feelings.
Instead, he snatches you up into his arms, crushing your body against his.
He kisses your lips and then your cheek. One hand cups the back of your head, his fingers burying into your hair as he presses your face into his chest. His arms tremble as he holds you close, every hard ridge of him cradled against your soft curves. He feels your smile against his collarbone, and the way your fingers dance up and down his spine that makes him melt.
It hits him, then. You arenāt waiting for an answer ā you said it only so he would know, and youād not expected anything in return.
All youād done was give while he took and took. Your body. Your love.
He doesnāt deserve any of it.
Whatever or whomever came after this would never compare to you. Truthfully, Sanemi doesnāt think it would be worth trying anything different. Everything now began and ended with you ā including him.
He twists his head to kiss you again and again, your lips meeting his with a sleepy enthusiasm.
He pants as he breaks away. āāM gonna pull out ā might be uncomfortable for a second.ā
You wince at the sudden stab of cold left behind by Sanemiās retreating warmth. He shifts back onto his knees and slides his hands down your thighs, parting them.
A low whistle blows past his lips. āDamn, I made a mess outta you.ā
For a moment, Sanemi canāt tear his eyes away from the sight between your legs; the sight of him trickling out you, staining the sheets below. But some of that hot, possessive pride that wells in his chest tempers at the small smear of blood staining your inner thigh.
His fingers massage your legs in silent apology. āLet me clean you up.ā
Your hands shoot to grasp at his shoulders, a pleading whimper on your lips. āDonāt leave ā not yet.ā You bite your lip, your eyes wide and anxious. āPlease, can you just hold me for a bit?ā
Sanemiās eyes soften and his heart throbs painfully in his chest. He canāt imagine leaving you; not now, not ever. No matter how stupid and selfish that makes him.
Heād be lying if he said he didnāt know the source of your anxiety ā or that you didnāt have reason for it. Sanemi isnāt known for lingering.
But this is different ā youāre different. Youāre not some temporary distraction. Youāre everything. His everything.
āShhh,ā he maneuvers you easily atop him, settling you in against the length of his torso, his hands smoothing up and down the column of your spine. āIām staying right here, sweet girl. Iām not goinā anywhere.ā
He seals his promise with a gentle kiss against your forehead before laying his cheek against your temple, cradling you to his chest.
Finally, you relax against him, convinced. He lays with you for a long time after, one hand on the back of your head, his fingers rubbing against your scalp until you fall asleep on against him, safe and sound and warm.
Minutes pass, or maybe hours. But Sanemiās head does not quiet, not even under the soothing sounds of your deep, slow breaths as you dream.
He must have lost his mind. There is no other explanation for the way heās disregarded every rule, every boundary heās ever made sense of, all in the name of you. In a single evening, you managed to obliterate every last defense, every barricade heād safely cowered behind, and now that the castle has fallen, he isnāt quite sure what heās supposed to do with the rubble.
What he does know is that thereās no putting things back to how they were.
His eyes search your sleeping face because if you were able to make him question nearly everything that made sense in his life, then surely you must also have the answers he needs to re-strike balance in his tilted world. Maybe they lie among the lashes that tickle your cheek, or in the occasional twitch of your mouth between your deep inhales.
But Sanemi is only left feeling more confused the longer he watches you. Because, despite the way he feels vulnerable and exposed at how easily he has been stripped of his guard, he canāt quite bring himself to believe it was entirely your doing.
His eyes widen. Thereās his answer.
Perhaps you are not trying to sink your nails into his flesh to peel it back, to demand he be stripped to the bone for you to inspect, to scrutinize and use as you please.
Perhaps that is what youāve done to yourself, and youāre waiting to see if you will join you; to know if he can volunteer his vulnerability, rather than wait for someone to come and force it from him.
He cannot make any promises. He has spent so much of his life cowering behind the armor he crafted out of his scars and his sneers and barks that were always more ferocious than his bite, that he does not know how to take it off. He does not know how to navigate the world without its weight, both his safety net and his chain. And there is an understanding in your eyes that signals you know that, too.
But he can try.
He mouths I love you against your hairline ā he does not voice it, not yet, though itās what he feels. But your love is a compass that just might point him down the road the leads to a life he so desperately wants; to you.
And heāll get there, maybe.
In time.
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