#my favourite thing of gymnastics so far!!!!!!!

[sunisalee2020]

Carlos Yulo (PHI) Wins his 2nd GOLD Medal at the Paris 2024 Olympics on Men's Vault

[kitkats-and-kittens]

One of my favourite things to think about is the rest of the batfam all having their own ‘Brucie Wayne’ personas. So here’s me listing how I imagine the main family members would front to the public.

Dick

I think would be very similar to Bruce with the same air-headed personality. As far as the internets concerned he can’t spell orange and pretends not to know any of the 50 states let alone which one he lives in. He also uses the fact that he never officially finished college to his advantage. As a kid he was more eccentric and people just knew him as that little kid whose constantly high of sugar and lollipops. Not much changes when becomes an adult.

Of course like father like son and he is also extremely charismatic. His persona is a little more goofy than Bruce’s and he’s known as the Wayne’s resident gymnast, at least in the air. He’s made a habit of acting as though any and all fine motor skills come to an absolute stop the moment he isn’t doing some complex flip, or cartwheel. There are serval videos on YouTube of him tripping over air, spilling drinks over his shirt, and stumbling into several guests, only half of these were faked. He also has a reputation of being an absolutely insane drunk. He went viral on twitter for doing a triple backflip in the middle of a gala which resulted in a shattered punch bowl, several traumatised guests and a fake news report claiming he’d died which sent the city into a riot for the next 24 hours all because he was a little bit tipsy.

Jason

Jason was pretty young when he ‘died’. Before hand he was the happy go lucky kid. With stars in his eyes and more energy than a Chihuahua hiked up on red bull and pure, liquified blue raspberry. Of course you had the occasional leech who saw in some news report that he used to be a street kid which resulted in several rumours about his ‘horrid violent nature’ but all it took was actually meeting him for most to completely disregard this.

After his death he doesn’t hang around the rest of the family much. Especially not in public and out of masks. However there is the occasional day (once every millennia or so) where he’ll stroll up to whatever part or gala or social event the Wayne’s are hosting that day, with his foolproof, impenetrable disguise Tayson Jodd absolutely no relation to Brucies dead kid, nor the elusive red hood who has a hate account dedicated to his very existence.

His whole thing tends to be a regular upstanding member of society. He acts completely normal. This wasn’t always the case. He used to change it every time he went to the parties, either acting as some depressed, lonely rich guy or an alcoholic and on one particularly memorable occasion a closeted drag Queen. However one time he showed up without a persona pre made and ready to go and just decided to wing it.

However Tim Drakes insane paranoia meant he stayed up a good 3 weeks after that night just to make sure Jason wasn’t trying anything and when Red hood found out he found it absolutely hilarious and resolved to be as respectable as possible while also generating maximum suspicion for all other members of his family.

Stephanie Brown

Although not officially adopted by the Wayne’s most people have gotten used to seeing her just roll up with the Wayne’s and it didn’t take long for social media to realise that Brucie had emotionally adopted her, if not legally. At first Steph didn’t really understand the need for a persona. She was already fine with keeping her actual personality and not turning it off for the cameras.

It took seeing Jason, who was having an absolute blast with his public persona to open her mind to the range of possibilities and she spent a full 3 months crafting a personality from scratch (putting that psychology degree to good use).

She cycled through a couple. Rich party girl, serious career woman, ditzy idiot. But eventually she landed on scheming socialite. She saw some tabloids slandering her for being Tim’s ex and although the rest of the family was not happy she took it and ran with it. Landing herself in the circles of the most gossip loving, shit talking, hot woman she could find.

She makes sure she exudes villainy at all times and has been seen eyeing Timothy Drake from across the room, stroking a cat (though no one knew where she got it from) and sipping a martini. Although she doesn’t particularly like how cruel some of her companions are she finds no greater joy than passively aggressively remarking about how Donna is wearing the same heels she was 3 years ago and oh my is she running low on funds? She was born to instigate and takes every opportunity to do so.

Tim Drake

If Tim is known for anything then it’s his ability to appear as though everything has gone to his exact calculations on the outside while internally screaming and just completely winging whatever half brained plan comes to mind. But one forgets, he isn’t just a Wayne but a Drake. Son of Janet Drake at that.

As a kid he was very much a mamas boy and would replicate her cold calculating air to the best abilities of a 10 year old boy. As he grew up however he realised that he much preferred letting people underestimate him. So in the end he settled on the stoner.

It was pretty unexpected for most of his family. Bar Dick who embraced it with all the reverence of a chaotic older sibling. Of course Tim Drake being as meticulous as he is meant when he made this persona built it from the ground up. He gave himself a favourite drug, a fake dealer, and he methodically updates his account balance every week, taking out just enough that it looks like he’s been buying.

Not only does this have the added benefit of explaining the random times he’s passed out in the middle of a party or those random compilations of him on YouTube simply staring into the abyss for hours on end, but it also means he had to try way less than his siblings when it comes to presentation. If Dick or Bruce show up with even so much as a slightly ruffled collar the tabloids will go on for weeks about the mystery guy or girl they definitely slept with. But when Tim does it, they just laugh. He gets a pat on the head and a glass of water shoved into his hands and no one thinks anything more.

And if he can also use it as an excuse for a few extra minuets of sleep then whose going to stop him?

Cassandra Cain

Cass didn’t need to do much of anything. When she first arrived in Gotham she was small, quite and not very well versed in social customs so it was practically written in the stars that she’d become an instant fan favourite. However unlike most of her siblings most of her fans aren’t focused on her what she’s been doing, or with who, but rather on trying to spot her.

She’s some aloof, mysterious figure to them and she’s also become a bit of a where’s Waldo meme. News reporters will post overview shots of the huge hall the guest are occupying, the grounds of the manor, the well kept lawns, the roofs, and the internet will go crazy trying to find her. At first it was difficult but only because she kept to herself, you’d find her in a corner of the room, or hiding behind one of the taller guests but ever since she realised what was going on she’s been making a conscious effort to make it as difficult as possible.

Some of her hiding spots include: under the table, the roof, inside the fountain, disguised as Dick Grayson, a statue, on the chandelier, and somehow as one of the reporters, camera and all. It’s become a bit of a game to see who can find her first and she remains Gothams favourite Wayne.

Duke Thomas

Duke isn’t really sure what to make of this whole public persona thing. He finds hiding such a big part of himself a little strange, and doesn’t much enjoy the idea of putting on a mask for others. So he does what he does best and puts the rest of the Wayne’s to shame with his sound logic.

He’s just himself. And somehow manages to cause the biggest impact. The people aren’t used to rich people not being overly eccentric. This is Gotham after all! And Duke Thomas’ actual personality is not exactly something they were expecting.

This is the same man who raised an army of teenage armies in the absence of his hero. To call him impulsive would be an understatement. Also he very much enjoys ‘eating the rich’ so to speak. He used his powers to convince one particularly nasty man that he needed full psychiatric care by randomly disappearing whenever he was in their line of sight.

He hangs out with Dick a lot, but only so when the worst of the Gotham socialites approach he can make them feel as uncomfortable as possible by questioning their thoughts and feelings on the working class, living conditions and all the other stuff they usually couldn’t care less about which leaves them scrambling for an answer that won’t completely ruin their reputations. Although he’s been branded ‘the responsible one’ that’s only because he presents himself as such to reporters. Most of the people attending the galas live in fear of him ever approaching them.

Damian Wyane

Being the youngest meant that people already had expectations by the time Damian showed up. Although most had no idea where the kid came from that didn’t stop them from making assumptions, and the rumours circulating from before he was officially introduced range from a mini Bruce Wayne to raging alcoholic. And yes, these were published when reporters knew damn well he was 10 years old maximum.

When the public do finally see him for the first time it doesn’t take them long to craft a persona for him. Damian of course sees this whole thing as beneath him, he doesn’t understand why he would need to hide himself, he didn’t train with the league for years to just not show of his skills. Dick tries to get him to think of it like training, as though he were on an undercover mission. This works a little too well and now he takes it so incredibly seriously it’s hard for the others not to laugh.

He arrived, squeezed in between Brucie Wayne who was blowing kisses to the camera, Dick Grayson doing a handstand, Tim Drake who looked absolutely blitzed and Stephanie Brown who was manically rubbing her hands together. Cass nowhere to be found and Duke giving his classic sunny smile to the camera.

So of course people realise this kid must be the adult. There’s jokes about how Damian must be the one doing the Wayne’s taxes, about how he probably drives Bruce to work, and other such things. Which is only further cemented by the kid himself. But he also doesn’t talk much (Dick said if he had nothing nice to say he shouldn’t say anything), and a few (illegally taken) photos show him drawing, as well as his small army of pets and so people are torn between this kid who is clearly far too mature for his age and this cute baby of a child who likes fluffy animals and crayons.

Damian is disgusted by both sides, but there isn’t much he can do about it and resolves instead to fuck with everyone by leaning into it and alternating on a seemingly random basis between clueless child and grown adult in a 10 year olds body. It mostly ends up terrifying the rest of his family because occasionally Damian (who several of them watched kill a man) will come up smiling and demand to be placed on their shoulders, and other times the same kid (who found a cow a decided immediately he was a vegetarian) will be found sipping straight vodka and going on about the good old days with people 8x his age as though he were some drunken world war 2 veteran.

[cup-of-hot-worm-milk]

HEARTBREAK HIGH SEASON 2 REVIEW

Likes, dislikes, and some general thoughts.

TL;DR spoiler free review: I give this season a 6.5/10. It’s not bad but compared to the previous season, it certainly felt like a downgrade. Some of the editing choices felt poor, a few characters that had felt layered and realistic had lost their substance,  a couple of interesting plot beats and character arcs were either rushed or solved with very little satisfaction and pay off, and I can’t help but feel a lot of the drama had become far too unrealistic by the end of the season. I had some fun watching the teenage hijinks, and there are stand out scenes/storylines that had me invested from start to finish, but overall I can’t say that this season lived up to its predecessor or my expectations.

Longer rant under the cut! SPOILERS AHEAD!

I’ll start with what I liked and enjoyed (in no particular order):

Cash owns my heart now and forever. Season one had already solidified him as my favourite character, and watching him go through his asexual journey, trying to navigate his relationship with Darren while setting boundaries was… Ugh, so fucking good. I’ve had my own share of relationship anxiety, fearing that because I had no interest in sexual activities that I would be hurting my future partner. Dusty’s whole talk with Cash felt so reminiscent of things people would say to me when I tried to talk to them about my own sexuality. I was so ecstatic when Cash told him to fuck off, because no, asexuals are not robbing their partners of anything. Our sexuality and boundaries in relationships are not problematic or abusive; no person should ever feel like their worth in a relationship is based on whether or not they have sex with their partner. Anyone who says otherwise can fuck right off. I was crying during Cash’s talk with his Nan. 10/10 best storyline.

Quinni not masking was so cathartic. Neurotypicals really don’t understand the stress and mental gymnastics we have to go through every fucking day just so we fit in. It’s so fucking hard and watching her be herself fully was just amazing. Slay honestly.

BI MALAKAI BI MALAKAI BI MALAKAI

All of the Australian pop culture references. So good. Chinese succulent meal. The reference to Scomo shitting himself at the McDonalds. Cash not registering to vote and his friends getting mad at him even though our voting is so shit and never taken seriously (I along with several people I know have written shit on our ballots and have never gotten in trouble ever). THE NUTBUSH. Woodsy’s little jab at Pavlova being from Aotearoa (New Zealand) and not Australia. Ugh, so good. Finally, references I understand /hj.

Amerie and Harper being best friends… Their protectiveness for each other… My heart.

The class camp made me so nostalgic. Can’t speak for every Aussie, but my camp did have the boys sneaking in beer. Although, we all got too scared so we all just had a sip before pouring it all out before we could get caught. We didn’t even get buzzed, lol. Also, the class getting high on shrooms together, oml. 

Malakai and Amerie… Ugh, those two… So messy and complicated and I love them.

Props to HBH finally making an authentic (albeit toxic) love triangle. Only took a while but we got one.

Woodsy helping Harper with driving lessons… My heart.

Quinni being so hyperfixated that she survived her snakebite. She’s just like me fr. I also loved the editing changing when it was her perspective. This is her world and we’re just living in it.

Idk his name but whoever played Chook was genuinely terrifying. 10/10, I wanted to smash his face in every time he came on screen. Truly phenomenal acting.

Actually, I’ll give a round of applause to the entire cast. All of them did stella jobs.

And now… the dislikes (again, no particular order):

Spider’s arc. I know some people like him, but as someone who went to school with, and got bullied by dickheads like him, I could not get behind his whole redemption storyline. I really didn’t like how they blamed his misogyny and arrogance on his toxic mother - it felt like they were saying that men are only sexist assholes because feminists obsess over profiling them all as rapists and abusers which is so fucked on so many levels. It just felt like they were given excuses for his behaviour and how it isn’t really his fault, it’s because of his mothers abuse and I am so fucking over that theme. Abuse does not justify shitty behaviours from ANYONE. It can apply context, sure, but I am not going to excuse someone for being a fuckwit just because they have a shitty homelife. I was abused! I had hurt people around me to cope! That doesn’t make it okay! 

Also… People like Spider are more likely to be misogynistic because of a sexist environment - not because of crazed misandrists believing all men are rapists. I think it would've been much more believable if instead, Spider hadn’t had a father or a close male role model to grow up with and became very insecure about his perception of masculinity and manliness, so he used society and social media as learning tools to form his personality and unfortunately internalised a lot of misogyny.

The conclusion of Spider’s redemption also felt way too rushed. He only stops joining Voss because the man slipped up while ranting and because he got slapped in the face. In season one, it really looked like they were going to explore how Spider’s insecurities around vulnerability and masculinity made him put up a front to shield himself. During his relationship with Missy, some points almost felt like they were going to full dive into exploring it but then they backed out, or they wouldn’t let the scenes room to breathe before rushing into the solution. I would’ve liked it more if Spider had time to really grapple with his worldviews and how hurtful he was being, and working on distancing himself from sexist ideals. It would’ve felt a lot more authentic imo.

And I really was not on board with Missy x Spider. I don’t know, it didn’t feel like an authentic attraction, just more like the writers somehow needed someone to jumpstart Spider’s redemption journey while also providing a convenient romantic love interest. Maybe it could have worked if they two were given more time to develop an understanding companionship and Missy wasn’t into him while he was still a fucking dickhead? Maybe they could’ve had the whole rival's sexual tension thing work if it was given way more focus instead of just “Boy see Girl doing something sexy and fall in love”? I don’t know, romance and sexual interest isn’t really my expertise, so maybe it’s just a me thing.

Rowan’s whole character was a huge miss for me, holy shit. It’s 2024, STOP MAKING MENTAL ILLNESS A FUCKING VILLAINOUS TRAIT. I don’t even know what the fuck his mental illness was supposed to be. I work in youth counseling and psychology, and none of his symptoms feel authentic. Was it psychosis?? Was he supposed to have borderline personality disorder??? Untreated PTSD with severe hallucination and dissociation symptoms??? Type 1 bipolar going through a severe mania episode?? FUCKING WHAT DID HE EVEN HAVE??? For a show that handled autism so beautifully in these seasons, they dropped the ball so horribly with Rowan. Bad character, bad execution, bad storyline, bad everything. Do your fucking research on mental disorders instead of just writing “obsessive and crazy” hbh writers, fucking hell.

Also, why did he need to have this whole dumb past connection with Amerie? Why did Amerie suddenly have a backstory of being a major cunt and bully? Why was none of her shitty behaviour talked about in season one? You’d think when her classmates were ostracizing her for the sex wall and getting everyone involuntarily sent to SLT’s, they would’ve brought up this shit. Spider and Harper had their personal reasons to dislike her but no one else brought up anything. Why not just have it that in the earlier episodes, Bird Psycho was spreading baseless rumours and misinformation? Then have people divided on whether or not they would believe Amerie when she went to disprove them? You can even have others making shit up to add to the situation for more drama.

Sasha and Zoe… Oof, bad execution all around for those two.

Sasha… Oof. Thought her storyline was going to deal with her hypocrisy around activism and being a sjw invested in identity politics. Maybe some exploration on how applying moralism to activism is never a good thing EVER and that you shouldn’t care about oppression just because it makes you look like a better person - you should care about it because oppression is fucking disgusting and needs to be eradicated. Should’ve known they would’ve just made her into a bad joke. Pouring one out for the missed opportunity.

I really thought that Zoe’s character was going to explore sexual insecurities and how everyone has a different approach to sex. Examining the difference between sexual pleasure and sexual intimacy. Maybe even some discussion on how it’s okay to have sex simply just to explore your own preferences and likes, and how no one - especially women  - should ever be slut-shamed for liking sex. But nope, she was a really bad celibacy joke and a plot point for Darren. Yikes.

Speaking of Darren, my fashionable child, look how they massacred you. What was their whole deal with Quinni this season? Did they suddenly forget about her autism? Did they suddenly stop caring about her difficulties with masking? Season 1 Darren “You’re my too much” would NEVER have fucking told Quinni that the world couldn’t play be her rules. Season 1 Quinni panicking in the bathroom at a party? Oh, no, Amerie don’t touch her, that’s not how we help Quinni. We help Quinni by providing a quiet and safe space and reminding her that she is in charge of what we do next. Season 1 Quinni becoming non-verbal due to a meltdown because Sasha was being bigoted? Nope, Sasha you don’t get to talk to Quinni, no one forces Quinni to talk, she will do it when she is ready. Wtf happened Darren? It really just felt like the writers were trying to make drama between them both and decided to butcher Darren’s character to do so. Just… oof. Very bad.

Harper’s trauma being forgotten about or developed after two episodes… What. Nothing about her relationship with her dad, nothing about her relationship with using sex as a coping mechanic, nothing about her PTSD, absolutely fucking NOTHING. Why? She just felt like she was there for other characters to develop off of.

Also, Ant and Harper felt really rushed. I would’ve liked it way more if Ant actually went and befriended some girls before he got into a relationship with Harper, or even if the both of them became friends before they developed a romantic relationship but they really weren’t given room to breathe.

Also also, Ant accomplished nothing?? I don’t remember one significant thing he did this season that gave more insight into his character or that wasn’t just to uplift other character’s developments. It sucks because last season alluded to some religious trauma that I thought we were going to get to explore more. He needs so much more substance than just “haha, funny guy” imo.

Missy and Malakai deserved more to their stories than just relationship drama. Where was their Indigenous culture? Where was Malakai’s ‘gone my country’ story element that helped him last season? We rarely ever get Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander actors able to show their culture even in Australian media, so last season when they brought it up I was so happy but now… No mention of it? Nothing? I loved their friendship and their scenes together but God, I wish they happened more outside of their romantic relationships.

Amerie’s pregnancy storyline felt super rushed. Really wish it had more time to breathe, and to stress the importance of contraception and abortion rights. It all began and ended within one episode… Really felt like it deserved just a little bit more time, y’know? Especially in this day and age. It kind of just felt like last minute drama. Maybe more will come out of it because Amerie told Quinni? I hope the fuck not though because I really do not want Quinni’s character slaughtered.

Cash… Showing Chook… Where he lived… Cash is not fucking stupid. What the fuck was that. Making drama for the sake of elevating the story I guess.

Harper’s and Amerie’s dumb fight in the last episode that was really there so Rowan could have a mental breakdown. Yikes.

Wasn’t a big fan of some of the music choices. Few great songs, few iconic songs (Untouched by the Veronicas my beloved), but overall some pretty dodgy choices. I like BLACKPINK, don’t get me wrong, but they’re not that popular in Australia? And The Cranberries are amazing but again, not really an Australian favourite? Idk, just felt like they were picking from the Top 500 Charts.

Okay, the whole fire thing was really fucking stupid. In 2019-2020, NSW had massive out-of-control bushfires that ravaged the country. We have incredibly intense fire-safety because out country is so fucking flammable. Our sprinklers don’t run on electricity - the heat melts the protective plug on the sprinkler, and then water is released from where it’s stored in the pipes. We have fire blankets and extinguishers. The school would’ve been doused. And by the way, there is no such thing as only two teachers chaperoning formal. Not for 25< kids. And the cohort teachers would’ve been invited to go anyways?? And if a crazed man with fire did appear out on the oval, the students would’ve legally had to evacuate to another safe place. Cops and the firefighters would’ve been called immediately. All of the last episode was just such unbelievable bullshit, oml.

“Oh but the school is really sketchy” Idgaf, that whole fire thing was so stupid.

The afl over nrl holy shit. Like, as a queenslander, that shit really fucking hurt to see, I am so sorry sydney goers.

Alright some general thoughts:

Much of the drama in this season just didn’t feel authentic. Most characters were forced to make stupid or unrealistic choices so that drama could happen rather than just allowing the plot to naturally allow for intriguing stories to unfold. I felt like this season was forcing everyone to be involved in something tremendous at every single point, only then to become overwhelmed with how to finish or solve the issues so it was quickly given a bandaid or ignored in favour of moving onto something else.

The first season had the main issues of separating Amerie from her classmates, of people trying to navigate relationships with all the messiness of being a teenager, and of dealing with things that you don’t know how to solve. Characters were given time to be emotional, to make mistakes but not be villainized for them. Scenes and problems were given room to breathe, there was time for all of the story beats to develop and come together.

This season felt more akin to something I’d see in Riverdale or Pretty Little Liars. Over dramatised problems and a mystery that involved pretty shitty characterisation to pull off.

I still like Heartbreak High, and if there is a third season, I’ll definitely give it a watch, but overall, I’m not very enthusiastic about season 2.

One other thing is more related to the backlash I’ve seen from two of the main characters, Malakai and Missy. Some people are infuriated that these two bisexuals have ended the season in a straight-passing relationship and… Okay. I’m not going to sugarcoat any of this; stop being biphobic cunts. You complaining about these two characters ending up with an opposite-sex partner is biphobic. Bisexuals aren’t limited to only ever being in same-sex relationships, fuck off.

Okay, now I’m done.

[crimson-chaser]

Not SOZED, but its coming soon

im just putting this here because those "td headcanons" or "totaldramahcs" dont really respond to most of my asks, and you normally reply to all of the asks ive sent so far

this is what i think Mike and the alters room would look like in headspace

Mikes is just a replica of his irl room, the one we see in his audition tape. but the rewards that he got due to Svetlana and the framed pictures that were ( implied ) to be taken by Manitoba are changed into posters of his favourite music singers, actors, etc. But he does have some school awards that he still has in his room from like old school spellings bees or winning in sports day all by himself without the help of the alters ( not chester, hed break his hip on the long jump )

Svetlana is minimalistic but massive, biggest bedroom in the house, probably because she also has bars she can swing on and mats she can do her gymnastic stuff on. One of her walls is also just filled of rewards that she earned in real life but manifested ( I hope I worded that right ) into headspace for her room.

Chester definietly has one of those old man rooms, no need to explain, just search up stereotypical elderly man bedroom and youll get what i mean.

Vitos room is nothing special really, personally I see his room as the same room as Billys room from Stranger Things. I think Vito wouldve watched Stranger Things with Anne Maria when it was first trending and he doesnt like Billy at all, but he though his room was cool.

Also personally, I think Mal and Manitoba would share a room. I have no idea why, I just like the "roomates being polar opposites" trate ( not. a. ship. I see Mal and Manitoba as father-son ) For the shared room I think theyd have a bunk bed, but the bottom bunk is too smal for Manitoba but so is the top bunk ( Mal joked about Manitoba being too heavy to hold the top bunk, they all took it seriously (( addition, i think Manitoba is super fucking tall, like 6-7 foot atleast )) )

for singular room, just give Mal a more modern version of Ravens room from Teen Titans Go and give Manitoba Jasmines room but more plain.

- SOZED anon, Louie

I could defo see this, i like this head canon! :3

[olismabel]

15 questions, 15 10 friends

thank for the tag @queerbuck ! 💖

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? my middle name was my great grandmother first name.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? don't remember.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS? nope, and don't want any.

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED? gymnastic, classical dance, modern dance.

DO YOU USE SARCASM? daily. it's in my nature has a capricorn 😌

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? eye and smile, how they treat others.

WHAT'S YOUR EYE COLOUR? dark brown.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? i'm a baby, so mostly happy endings.

ANY TALENTS? i can play the flute.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN? france, wine region 🍷

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES? reading, editing, writing in the rpc, watercolor painting, coloring books, making far too many playlists/pin boards...

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS? no, but depending on some news i'll get this year, i may adopt one this year or the next one.

HOW TALL ARE YOU? 1.55cm.

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL? literature.

DREAM JOB?  the one i’ve right now. the work is interesting, the schedule flexible, i work from home pretty often, i get along really well with my colleagues and, my boss is an angel.

tagging: @zerokinkade @bilosan @eddito @ajcrowleys @barbiediaz @alrightbuckaroo @heartshapedvows @usersiren @watchyourbuck @riccis

[dewvorce-flowers]

get to know me

Tagged by @mikathemad thank you! 💙

Do you make your bed?

I would have to leave it for that, no? (Actual answer being no, unless guests come to visit since my bedroom is also my living room)

Favourite number?

3 and 5 because three represents my siblings and me and five includes my parents too lol, but I'm also fond of 7

What's your job?

Studying to become a teacher, but while the job is something I already worked as and enjoyed the studying is hell. Also working as a "children gymnastics coach" aka parents drop their kids of in an elementary school and we play games for a couple of hours.

If you could go back to school, would you?

No, it wasn't necessarily bad but I much prefer my life now

Can you parallel park?

I could do it well the last time I drove a car but that's two years ago now(the day I got my license). Since my family doesn't own a car and none of my friends have one I just never got to drive again lol

Do you think aliens are real?

At all? Yes

On earth? Eh

Can you drive a manual car?

Yes, but see note in regards to the parking answer. (Actually only drove a automatic car once and that was to get it to a parking lot, where I could swith to manual lol)

Guilty pleasure?

Social media and fanfiction, I know I shouldn't feel guilty over it, but that's far easier said than done :(

Tattoos?

One day I will find the time to actually look at and consider design ideas. Till then the answer is no and I just have to admire them on other people.

Favourite colour?

Genuinely don't have one. Depends highly on the context.

Favourite type of music?

I like certain sounds, structures in songs but not in a way that applies to any type of music or I can describe with my non-existent knowledge. I just know I when I hear it.

I do listen to anything from opera, musicals, german 80s till 2010s, kurdish and turkish 70s to 00s, pop, rock, rap, folk etc

Do you like puzzles?

Yes!!

Any phobias?

Mild claustrophobia.

Favourite childhood sport?

Football(goalie) and swimming. Miss them both but might be able to start with swimming at least soon-ish.

Do you talk to yourself?

In my head. Outside only when I get so caught up I mumble silently/slightly move my lips.

Unless I am around people and we are organising stuff, then I count out my own To-Do list out loud and stuff like that.

Tea or coffee?

Cocoa. Had like two or three sips of coffee in my life lol

Tea can be nice when I have a cold or need something less sweat.

First thing you wanted to be when growing up?

Teacher and I had the dream of becoming a star goalie(knew that was never gonna happen even as a child)

What movies do you adore?

How to train your Dragon, Monty Python(both Holy Grail and Life of Brian), Rise of the Guardians and "Drei Haselnüsse für Aschenbrödel"(Czech/German Cinderella movie)

Of course there are many many more movie, but those are the ones, where I truly lost track of how often I watched them.

Thanks so much for tagging me! I'm gonna tag (if you want)

@maxkeplers @brocksfaber @tkaptains @dwisp @lovethegoalies @dream-leaf @jeynearrynofthevale

(and anyone else who sees this and wants to do this, please tag me in that case!!! Always love to get to know more people but am horrible at remembering urls)

[ohbo-ohno]

took a few minutes to compose myself because thinking of gaz makes me lose my common sense😵😵😵😵

someone else mentioned in a previous ask that gaz uses pleasure as punishment to the point where you pass out and that stuck with me on a personal level because i am deathly afraid of physical pain. as much as i love being ghoap's darling kitten, i don't think I'd survive very long in their care if I'm being honest😅 so gaz is my safest and favourite bet.

which brings me to this;

if gaz uses pleasure as punishment for bad behaviour, does that also work for good behaviour too?

I'm so down bad for this man, considering the mental gymnastics he uses to keep his bunny in check (don't think I don't know about the carrot thing👀), I imagine she's less likely to act out of turn, compared to ghoap's kitten. so she gets rewarded more often than not🥴🥴🥴🥴

-🪐

belonging to ghost & soap or even price is an intense and difficult thing, your safest bet for a life with minimal pain is 100% kyle. he'd probably fuck with your head the most though, or at least as much as ghost

i think pleasure as punishment is gaz using your pleasure for himself, and pleasure for reward is you getting to actually enjoy the pleasure

so for punishment - gaz will make you feel so good it loops around to being excruciating. he'll eat you out for hours, nipping at your clit with sharp teeth and sucking so hard you feel like you'll lose every drop of liquid inside you. he'll shove a vibrator into your pussy as he fucks you so you're stretched nice and wide, and so he can enjoy the vibrations too. he says don't you like being stretched, bun? cmon, that doesn't feel good? feels good for me, and i can feel you clenching down so good and tight for me. don't lie, sweetheart, it'll only make your punishment longer.

he'll make you come over and over and over and over again because you squeeze his dick soooo nicely when you do. makes you squirt because he likes the way your body tries to force him out. he'll fuck your cervix, hold a heavy hand on your belly to emphasize your stomach bulge and make him feel even larger inside of you. he'll use your tits as stress balls, pluck your nipples and squeeze your breasts as he fucks into you. he'll leave so many hickies, you're more bruise than unbruised. he'll fuck your unconscious body a few times before setting you in your burrow with a few water bottles

but for reward, he's far nicer. he gives you breaks in between orgasms, strokes you to completion in the soft way he knows you enjoy. a soft tongue at your cunt, light pressure on your clit and two curling fingers inside your hole. slow, intimate sex with his forehead pressed against yours, deep and loving kisses against your mouth, slow strokes of his tongue over nipples. he coaxes every drop of pleasure from your body, takes breaks between more overwhelming climaxes to massage your legs, your shoulders, your back. endless praise, endless pets, endless kisses. he'll give you anything you beg for, give it to you at the pace you want.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

I’m about halfway through the audiobook of The Holy Vible, the book that Elis James and John Robins published in 2018. It’s really varied, with each chapter being on an entirely different subject (they went with one chapter for each letter of the alphabet, which was a gimmick I thought I’d find annoying, but in fact find myself looking forward to seeing what they get into next every time they finish one). John wrote some of the chapters and Elis wrote others, but they both jump in on each other's chapters with little commentary.

A lot of it is, to be honest, not objectively great literature. Listening to Elis spend an entire chapter talk about how great his favourite band is is only interesting if you’ve listened to a lot of Elis James already, and you happen to really really enjoying hearing people tell you why they like their favourite thing so much. Luckily both those things are true of me so I’ve enjoyed this. I probably wouldn’t recommend it to anyone who’s not already really invested in their radio show.

Anyway, I’ve managed to hold off for a while on doing another post about how listening to John Robins is bringing up mental health-related stuff for me, but then I got to chapter L in this book, which they have rather convolutedly titled “Living – Grief Is” (because they couldn’t make “Grief Is Living” Chapter G, as they had to use G for Elis’ favourite band, Gorky's Zygotic Mynci). It’s a reference to episode 191 of their Radio X show, the time in October 2017 when John Robins came on the radio to explain how the night before, he got drunk alone in his house, ate ten bags of something called Space Raiders (I’ve Googled them, they’re like chips – crisps – I think), and decided he’d do some writing, but due to being too drunk just wrote the words “Grief is living” in a notebook and then found it in the morning next to the chips wrappers. This story caught on with listeners and led to a bunch of people emailing in with their stories of vaguely harrowing shit they’d done in the middle of the night after drinking too much.

I liked how many people connected with the story, because that’s pretty high up on my list of experiences I’ve had frequently but never tell anyone about (or wouldn’t have – now that I’m making an actual effort to stop drinking, I feel like I don’t have to try as hard to minimize how much I was drinking, and being freed of those mental gymnastics is one of the few upsides to what’s been a mostly shitty process so far). When I’m drinking I’ll hit a point where I’ll start feeling things more and think I need to share this, but also be conscious of how much I will fucking hate myself if I start sending anyone drunk messages (not that I never have done the drunk messaging thing – I used to do it a lot when I was young enough for it to be almost acceptable, like early twenties – but especially in the last five years or so, I’ve started getting so paralyzingly mortified at realizing that anyone could ever hear or read my drunk thoughts that I’ve started avoiding getting too drunk around other people and definitely avoiding sending any messages while drunk), so I’ll open a Word document and just type out whatever I’m thinking. And figure that if any of it makes sense in the morning, I can do something with it.

I also have the quite common habit of eating terrible food in the middle of the night while drunk, so that image – of waking up and finding wrappers from the shitty food you ate and something you wrote that’s harrowingly depressing but also cringe-inducingly stupid – is an experience I’ve had many times, leading me to immediately delete everything and throw everything in the garbage and try to forget I ever did that because I hate the person who did that. Somehow, waking up to find something I wrote in a Word doc about something that was making me sad – I somehow find that almost as mortifying as waking up to find I’d sent those thoughts to someone in a message, even though obviously writing stuff in a Word doc that I don’t send anywhere should be no big deal. But it’s always something I wrote about some emotional thing that’s there when I’m sober and that I try to be an adult and ignore, and then I see how horribly I laid it out when drunk, and I can’t stand to look at it. And obviously I also feel guilty for ordering Subway at 1 AM or whatever I did.

Like I said, pretty high on the list of things I have done regularly but don’t even let myself think about, much less share with anyone else. And it was kind of cool to hear John Robins recount a similar story, and then get all those other people writing in to say “Oh yeah I do that too.” I mean, obviously it’s a bad thing to do and all of those people should stop, and John Robins has stopped, and that’s good. But it is nice to hear it’s not just me. It’s up there with that one chapter from Michael Legge’s book, which described the specifics of a post-drinking morning in harrowing detail – for the most painfully accurate description of this that I’ve heard in comedy. And what do we look for in comedy, if not painfully accurate descriptions of substance abuse problems?

Anyway, John Robins named The Mental Health Chapter in his and Elis’ book Grief Is Living, because he explained that that story resonating with other people is an example of why it is worth sharing these things. I got to this chapter while on a break at work, listened to the first five minutes or so, quickly realized that this was far too emotionally heavy a thing to listen to while being at work, but by the time I worked that out it was too late, it had made me feel too many things. I did even really feel in a place to put on some other more lighthearted podcast, so I tried music instead, played the Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy album that was referenced in the chapter, which was a terrible way to try to make myself feel less emotional and more ready to work. The last session I had to run that day was a rather tough.

John Robins acknowledges early in the chapter that he feels awkward and a bit cringe-worthy doing a “Mental Health Chapter”, and I feel similarly about picking out “The Mental Health Chapter” as the one to make a Tumblr post about. Feels like it’s saying “This chapter is the really significant one in the book, because they Talk About Mental Health”, and I feel weird saying that. If it helps at all, this isn’t the first post I’ve written about that book. I actually wrote a really quite long post rebutting all of Elis’ points in Chapter F – Football, because he spends so long explaining why football is better than other sports and all he does is list things that can apply to any sport, football is not special because it has drama and excitement, that’s just what sports are, and listening to him explain the justification for Popular Team Sport Playing With a Ball And a Net Supremacy did make me feel a bit like I was back in high school having my objectively much bigger athletic accomplishments in a much less popular sport superseded on the announcements for the junior boys basketball team making the regional semi-finals or whatever. I wrote a long and detailed post explaining point-by-point why Elis’ argument is not specific to football and actually lots of other sports do that better, and then I looked at it, said “This is overly defensive high school bullshit”, and deleted it all without posting it.

So here’s my second post about the audiobook I’m listening to, and it is on The Mental Health Chapter, though I’m going to touch on the couple of chapters around it as well, because honestly the best cure for listening to something that makes you feel too many things is to write them down and say them into a void and then they’re gone and you can move on with your life.

When I got home from work, I re-listened to the first few minutes of that chapter, and I started transcribing as I listened because I thought I'd include some of it in this post. I didn't go in with a plan for how much to transcribe, and ended just continuing to write until I'd covered the whole introduction. So here's that:

When Elis and I began broadcasting together, it never occurred to me to be anything other than as honest with him on air as I was in person. If he asked me how I was, and I was sad, I would say so. If he asked me, “How was your week, John?” and I’d had a tough time, I might exclaim, “Awful!” before playing Green Day. It soon became clear that this wasn’t very common in the world of commercial radio. And, as a result, over the years, our Radio X show has contained many references to, stories about, correspondence concerning, all kinds of things one might place under the broad heading of mental health.

I must admit I’m even slightly uneasy using terms like “mental health”, or depression, maybe because I worry that other people – whether rightly or wrongly – might cringe, or tense up, or think, “Oh, this isn’t about me,” or, “I don’t want to hear someone being all open about stuff.” So thank the Lord for our old friend Elis James, who, with a common touch like no other, coined the term “the darkness of Robins”. Little did that man on the street know that not only was he predicting the title of the 2017 Perrier Award-winning show (sorry Fosters, if.com, lastminute.com – that’s what I’m calling it) – and, by extension, predicting that one day I would be crowned the funniest comedian on Earth (plus Australian support) – but he had found the only word I felt totally comfortable using to describe my vibe. (Note to self: potential game show title. Get Elis to pitch it to one of his TV friends?)

I was reluctant to write about darkness. I’m far more comfortable describing how it manifests itself, and then having a laugh about it. I would never want to suggest that my experience was in any way unique, or that my take on it was in any way authoritative. I think perhaps, what I feel most acutely is a fear that anyone suffering from any form of mental health problem may read what I write and think, “That’s not my experience. Maybe I’m even more unusual or alone or weird than I thought.” What I have learned is that the more subjectively one talks about such things – eg. “I ate ten bags of Space Raiders before writing ‘grief is living’ in a notebook” – the more people can see themselves in those stories. Yet, when you try to speak generally – eg. “Depression is like running up a hill through treacle” – you immediately exclude most people. Because our experience of mental health is as varied and individual as our experience of physical health. Just because I get pains in my left hamstring after long drives doesn’t mean your eczema isn’t real. (The sole downside of being one of the world’s most accomplished clutch balancers.)

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed, or suffer from depression – I don’t think I do. However, I do feel dark at times, and my general outlook and baseline mood is often one of darkness. I felt a connection to the word when I first heard Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy’s masterpiece: I See a Darkness. It’s a flawless album, and the title track speaks to me very personally, as I’m sure it does to everyone who has heard it. Have a listen, and then a read of the lyrics. It’s not as bleak as it first sounds. It’s a song of honesty, friendship, and hope. But it’s still sad, mournful, and dark. I love that balance. There is light in the darkness, but also darkness in the light.

There’s an interview with Will Oldham – aka Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy – on music website Pitchfork. It’s a characteristically stupid interview, where, hilariously, the interviewer begins by asking why Will Oldham doesn’t like interviews. And, having heard his reasons – nuance impossible, detail glossed over, interesting topics rushed or edited, complex topics not pursed – he then spends the rest of the interview proving Will’s point. There’s a great bit where he asks if Will Oldham has had much experience of karma. He answers, “Tons and tons.” To which the interviewer simply responds, “Johnny Cash played I See a Darkness on his last album. What was that like?” I mean, come on! Maybe dig a little deeper into the interesting thing he just said. It’s like that bit in Knowing Me, Knowing You where Alan Partridge asks the racing driver if he gets bored of the same old questions, before asking, “When did you first want to be a racing driver?” Anyway. If you don’t want to be annoyed, don’t go on Pitchfork.

But there’s one really cool thing Will Oldham says in the interview. He’s asked, “Do you think that you’re more depressed than most people?” Which, speaking as someone who has given a few interviews over the last year, is a really horrid question – and I’ve had some stinkers. (No, it’s not about her and she’s not seen the show and yes, we do speak.) There’s no way out of that question without A) your answer becoming the story – eg. “Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy has depression!”, or “Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy’s melancholic persona all a lie” – or, B) sounding self-important. Answering either yes or no would make him sound like he thinks he’s somehow special, and separates him from his audience. If you fudge it, it sounds like you don’t want to engage with depression or mental health. And, in fact, it’s impossible to answer, because how do you know how everyone else feels? Such a dumb, unanswerable question.

However, somehow, the brilliant Will Oldham finds the perfect answer: “Not today.” I absolutely love that answer. I love it so God damn much. Because in one exchange, something of the experience of mental health is captured, without anyone claiming ownership of what that experience is like. Everyone has mental health – both positive and negative experiences of it. And everyone’s experience is not only different, but different day to day. In that answer, we have a world where everyone is depressed and not depressed. We’re all experiencing emotions in different ways, at different times.

First of all, I need to acknowledge that in the first part of that, John Robins says much more clearly and precisely something I took way too long to try to explain in a post I made last month, after I listened to him and Elis on the Comedian’s Comedian podcast, about why I like their term “darkness” so much. I like that they don’t set out to explicitly “talk about mental health”; they just tell stories about their lives, and those stories often (this mainly applies to John) involve things that indicate deviation from the platonic ideal of a psychologically healthy person. In 2014, Elis James made an offhanded comment about how John should someday write a show called The Darkness of Robins, cataloguing all these deviations because clearly they resonate with people.

The term grew from there, John started referring to his issues with the vague term “darkness” (ie. “Pretty tired this morning because I couldn’t sleep last night, woke up at 2 AM with a case of the darkness”), listeners started writing in to say this show has helped them with “the darkness”, and nobody has to actually say the words “mental health”. And as John acknowledges in that chapter, that can be a good and a bad thing – maybe in some ways bad because properly naming mental health issues can be important, in some circumstances. But I don’t think a commercial digital indie radio show has to be one of those circumstances where that’s required. “Darkness” is a word that makes it so much easier. It’s a word that can be used to include people who have a whole range of different mental health diagnoses, or multiple diagnoses, and who don’t want to get into all the specifics but do want to be included. And it includes people who are undiagnosed, and people who wouldn’t be diagnosed because their issues don’t meet clinical diagnostic criteria, but they still lay awake feeling terrible and would like a word to describe that.

It’s also a word that strikes the perfect tone. Obviously naming a show “The Darkness of Robins” is ironically grandiose, and there’s something just slightly ironic about it every time they use that word. Obviously they’re being a bit intentionally silly by calling day-to-day psychological struggles something as dramatic as “darkness”. But it’s only a very small touch of irony – just enough irony to take the edge off and make you feel like you’re not formally Talking About Mental Health, but not so much irony that it starts mocking or minimizing the struggles.

I said basically all of that in a post I made last month, and now I’ve said it all again here, and I enjoyed listening to John Robins say pretty much the same thing, but say it much better than I have, and confirm that I was reading it right. They really did hit on a good thing with that word.

I also find that last bit of the above quote really interesting, about the impossible interview question. I’m pretty sure a really difficult part of life is figuring out what bits of your experience are normal and what you should assume is an exception. I’ve gone through phases where I was convinced that everyone’s basically depressed, I don’t think anyone identifies as being “normal” or “happy”. And I’ve gone through other phases where I’ve thought everyone except me is basically normal and I have nothing in common with anyone.

I think during most of my twenties, I leaned more toward the former way of thinking, possibly because I spent most of my time around people who all had something so wrong with them that they felt best when doing a sport where they could literally throw themselves at other people and either physically overpower them or be physically overpowered and being able to do this five or so times a week is all that kept them functioning. If you spend all your time around people like that, you start to think any issues you have are probably normal, everyone has issues, I’m no more messed up than anyone else. On the other hand, last year I started an in-person job for the first time in ages, and either my coworkers are a lot better than I am at being normal and functioning humans, or they’re a lot better than I am at pretending to be normal and functioning humans. I suspect it’s a bit of both.

One time in 2019, my best friend and I had been in an argument for a while about something that does not matter now, and I went over to his house and we ended up getting into it again. He told me this was upsetting, and if I hadn’t come over we’d have avoided all this and would have both have enjoyed our evenings much more, so there was no point to doing this. I said that as shitty as this was, if I’d stayed home, I’d have just spent all evening feeling bad about how we were fighting and worrying about the issue at hand, so for me, this was an improvement on if I’d just stayed home. And he told me “Well that’s the different between us, because my default state isn’t sad. If we didn’t have this argument, I’d have spent the evening feeling fine, because I don’t just feel bad all the time the way you do.” We resolved that fairly unimportant argument pretty quickly, but that sentiment’s stayed with me. Most people’s default state is not sad. It’s possible that I am, in fact, more depressed than most people. Most days.

Not knowing whether you’re “normal” compared to other people isn’t just an issue when it comes to issues of darkness, either. I’m in that cycle of “I’m pretty sure no one is like me” and “I’m pretty sure no one is special and everyone is pretty much the same” with everything. Like people who identify as being really nerdy – we joke about that, but surely we know everyone jokes about how very nerdy they are, so no one is really more nerdy than anyone else, right? Everyone has the thing that they’re a big nerd about, and they think it makes them different from other people, but it doesn’t, because everyone else also has a thing. I mostly thought that, but in fall 2022, I got stuck in a meeting at work where they had an “icebreaker game” of saying your name and a topic on which you could easily give a 30-minute speech. You didn’t have to give the speech or anything, you just had to say what topic you could easily do. There were eight people besides me in that meeting, and seven of them said this was a really difficult question and they struggled to think of anything. One person said Taylor Swift, and that is fine because I am a very non-judgemental person who has no opinion on that (the last clause of this sentence was of course sarcasm, though to be honest, I do genuinely have more respect for someone who could take for 30 minutes about a subject I think is stupid than I do for the people who didn’t have that strong an interest in anything). Maybe that’s a sign that my level of nerdiness does significantly set me apart from most people. Or maybe all those other people were just doing the same thing I was, which is going through the massive list in their minds of subjects they could explain for half and hour, and trying to find one that wouldn’t sound too weird or niche, and not coming up with anything. I hope it was the latter.

I’m thinking of that Daniel Kitson bit where he said you assume other people’s mentalities are basically the same as yours, but then you remember that some people hang their coats up on a train, and the illusion of shared experience shattered. I really like that one because it’s such a specific thing, but he did nail it. I cannot imagine hanging my coat up on a train. It’s such a small, insignificant thing, it’s not against my moral principles or anything – it’s just something it would never occur to me to do. And yet, I have been on trains and seen coats hung up on those little hooks. Some people just go through the world differently from me.

I think the smallest, least important thing in my life that gives me that feeling Kitson was describing – that “Oh shit, the baseline assumption I made that we approach life in basically the same way is incorrect” – is when someone recommends some media to me, and then lets me know what paid streaming site it’s on, as though that will have any bearing on how I watch and/or listen to it. I think the biggest, most important thing that gives me that feeling is that some people have children on purpose. Some people out there think “I find getting out of bed in the morning and tending to my responsibilities so easy that I could probably still do it even if you added a lot more noise and stress, as well as a huge number of additional responsibilities, and raised the stakes to the point where an innocent child's life depends on me getting it right every single day for many years, even at this higher level of difficulty.” They don't just think they're mentally and physically functional and will likely stay that way for the next eighteen years - they're so sure of this that they think it would be fine for a child's life to depend on it. The massive gulf between my mentality and the mentality of a person who could do that – the deep fundamental level on which that gulf exists – makes me sometimes think I don’t have any common experience with almost anyone. And then I listen to a story about someone getting drunk alone and writing something stupid like “Grief is living” in a notebook, and I say “Okay, there are some common experiences.”

The chapter before “L: Living – Grief Is” is “K: Keeping it Session”. This is John Robins’ expression that means sticking to session ales when drinking, which means under 4.5% (basically, weak beer). He goes into great detail about how this improves both the experience of drinking, and your life in general. It’s another thing I’ve described before on this blog, which is that it’s a sneaky thing that seems like it promotes responsible drinking, but actually it’s just a sign of a drinking problem, someone who loves the act of drinking alcohol so much that he’s found a way to make it last longer, because if each drink is weaker then you can have more of it, all else equal. That chapter made so much sense as I listened to it, and I was thinking, once again, that maybe I could try this as a way to satisfy alcohol cravings. Until I got to the very end of the chapter, which I’ve also transcribed:

Having banned spirits in my house from April 2017 – due to factors – the power of my moral hangovers has lessened. Yes, I still have the odd cloudy day that I have to write off, and spend ignoring the self-doubt and seeking emergency crying nooks in central London. (Unused studios at Radio X HQ are an absolute Godsend for any tearful digital DJ caught short welling up in public – for example, after watching the film Arrival at a central London cinema in Jan. 2017). But these days are rare. I have had to admit that spirits, rum especially, had a large part to play in the end of every relationship I’ve ever been in, numerous shame wells, and all my major career failures/plateaus, 2007-14. But I’ve now reached a happy medium where, by sticking to session ale and having the odd day off booze, marked in red Sharpie on my official Queen calendar, I’m genuinely able to enjoy my drinking and my life. So, go forth, dear friends. Spread your alcohol over longer nights, extended chats, and deeper nooks. Forgo wasteful units, erase shame from your mornings, and keep it session.

That bit reminded me that – oh right, this is all bullshit. That is a man who, since writing that, has admitted he had a significant alcohol addiction that was not, in fact, resolved in 2018. That man just explained to me, in 2018, that he has now figured out his drinking habits and is able to do it in a healthy and responsible way and it’s all fine. That’s just lying, I’ve done it too. I don’t know how many years in a row I’ve said “I think my drinking was reached problem levels last year, I’m glad I have it under control now.” Don’t take alcohol advice from people who are lying. (I mean, obviously cutting back is better than not cutting back and drinking weaker alcohol is better than drinking stronger alcohol. I just mean, if you’re having ten drinks in a night on a regular basis, there isn’t a way to make that a good idea, no matter how much I – and apparently John Robins – would like there to be. And if an alcoholic tells you there is a good way to do that, they're probably lying.)

Later in the Grief Is Living chapter, John Robins gets more into discussing how mental health problems manifest and what he’s learned about how to deal with them. To his credit he is very careful about this, he keeps saying he’s not an expert, his experiences will not necessarily apply to anyone else, and the vast majority of his actual advice consisted of referring people to experts, or relaying things he’s learned from experts.

He breaks down lifestyle things into categories that he tries to take care of for the sake of mental health – food, sleep, drink, exercise. And then goes into detail on each one, acknowledging that sometimes you can’t get it all right and sometimes people aren’t capable of following advice on this and sometimes it’s not enough, but it tends to help. He then added that while this doesn’t apply to him, the other big everyday lifestyle factor in mental health for half the population is menstruation, as a huge number of people find their mental health fluctuates significantly with that cycle. And then he talks about how many women he’s known who suffer horribly from this and how they try to manage it, and gives some advice about taking it to a doctor if it’s bad and demanding to see a specialist if you get brushed off or told there’s nothing they can do because it’s not right that women are expected to just “live with it” when there are medical treatments that can help with that.

This of course made me think of the routine in his 2014 Edinburgh show, about his girlfriend’s PMS/PMT. I wrote about this before too, how I do see where he was going with that. The routine is less bad than any one-sentence summary (like the one I just wrote) could make it sound, because he was clearly trying to be more nuanced than just “women be crazy on their periods”. He was approaching it with sympathy for how frustrating those feelings are for the woman experiencing them – but at the same time, he was also making a joke about how those symptoms look odd from the outside. Sara Pascoe did almost the same thing in her show LadsLadsLads – said she suffers from clinically bad PMT and then told some stories about times that led to getting emotional in ways that were amusingly disproportionate and that looks odd.

Obviously, the giant, glaring difference between the two situations is she gets to make that joke because it’s her experience. I guess it’s a double standard, but it seems fair enough given the trade-off of who has to actually live with it, that people who get periods are allowed to make the joke and people who don’t should be very, very careful if they try doing the same thing. John Robins was more careful than most cis men throughout the history of stand-up have been, when it comes to writing a “women be crazy on their periods” routine. But still, not careful enough. That routine is the bit of Robins stand-up that I think is least defensible (aside from that other bit about Sara Pascoe at the end of Darkness of Robins – it’s fine, she hasn’t seen the show and they do speak, it’s hopefully fine and he hopefully ran it past her), I cringed through it when I re-listened to his 2014 show recently and I think including it was a bad call. However, I do like that hearing this bit in the book confirmed the way I read that routine, which is that he doesn’t actually think the primary victims of people suffering from PMT are their male partners. That he was trying to talk about how it’s a genuine issue that people suffer from and that sucks for them, but also, we can make lighthearted fun about it! He just… didn’t do it nearly well enough to justify touching a subject that has such a terrible history of cis male stand-up comedians being dicks about that.

Anyway, I don’t want to get into detail here (or anywhere, talking about it makes me extremely uncomfortable and that sort of thing is why destigmatizing and normalizing discussions about it are good, ie. a cis man including it on a list of lifestyle factors that affect mental health because it’s a huge one even though it doesn’t apply to him – normalizing it through jokes in stand-up sets is also good, but probably best to leave that to the people who experience it), but the fact that I have this cycle every month has a significant detrimental effect on my mental and sometimes physical health, as well as in some ways my overall quality of life, and I appreciate hearing it mentioned so casually. To be honest, that’s another situation where I used to think I’m worse off than most people, but now think I’m not. Every person I’ve ever known well enough for them to have told me about their experience with that cycle has had horror stories that should not be normal, but given how common they are, I think that is normal. My ex-girlfriend had that issue described in the book, of doctors brushing off her terrible, abnormal symptoms because this is just what women are expected to go through. My mother had an emergency hysterectomy at age 48 after experiencing so much blood loss over so many years that it gave her permanent disability issues, and it took until that point for anything to get done because women bleeding a lot is assumed to be normal. It is a good thing to talk about and differentiate between common and normal, I think. Sorry about the tangent, I just figured I’ll package all my oversharing in this one post and then we can move on.

I need to get into another part from later in the Grief Is Living chapter of the book, when John Robins talks about the gambling addiction he used to have, and relays some things he learned from the Gambler’s Anonymous meetings he attended for a while. He explained: “I haven’t gambled since the sixth of December 2002. If you’d told me, on the fifth of December, 2002, that I would go sixteen years without gambling, I would have thrown up at the horror of that idea. Slash burst into tears, slash started gambling.” I wrote out that quote just because I found it helpful. Thinking about giving something up forever is overwhelming and impossible and will immediately make you turn to that thing just to cope with the thought of living without it forever. But you can do it a little at a time and someday it’ll add up.

I’m going transcribe one more quote from that chapter:

My point here is this: You are enough. You did something. Too often, we feel like we aren’t in control, aren’t capable of things. And it doesn’t matter whether it was writing a symphony or emptying the dishwasher, you did it. And hold onto that for dear life, because when it’s all you can do not to bang your had against the wall, or stay in bed all day, or drink into oblivion, emptying the dishwasher is a symphony. And it’s with these small, seemingly insignificant handholds that we can begin to pull ourselves out of the swamp.

I included that because it made me think of that blog he wrote for Chortle (which John and Elis' book described as "comedy's Bible/menu/tabloid", which I found quite funny), during the 2007 Edinburgh Festival, that I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. I made fun of one particular entry in it, which I mostly stand by, because it was so fucking pointlessly intense in such a Classic Robins way. Firstly, he writes glowingly about a Phil Kay show he saw:

It does begin, however, with some of the most beautiful prose I’ve heard in a comedy show. So much so that I have to take out my notebook to write down the statement “the law of love says ‘you are enough’”. Unfortunately Phil sees me do this and takes me for a reviewer. “He might be a journalist” I look up “bang, you’ve missed a bit of the show” he says. I’m wearing headphones round my neck and he riffs on that for a while then moves on. But by now my face is burning and I become his point of focus after delivering set pieces. I feel terrible for the pressure he now seems to think he’s under when there is no need, “I’m not a reviewer Phil! I’m a fan! I’m a worshipper!” but I stay quiet, sit back, and enjoy his remarkable talent. I was going to give him a review, just for neatness, but I don’t think you can really review his shows, just him. He walks a line of personal confession that any self proclaimed storyteller, myself included, is simply miles away from. Of course it’s an intensely personal thing, but for me, as nice as it is to make badges, this style of comedy is where i find hope for the new wave, or whatever you want to call it. The amazing thing is that Phil’s been doing it for nearly 20 years.

So adorable, so annoying, so pointlessly intense, so pretentious but earnest, so sweet – a 25-year-old inexperienced comedian taking out a physical notebook during a show because he was so moved by the line “The law of love says you are enough” that he just had to write it down. But then, he writes about how the night unfolded later on:

After the Zone, which pretty much sold out and was really good, (a high point was Carl telling a woman with an annoying laugh ‘it’s like being heckled by the Lilt ladies’), we went to the Brooke’s Bar. It was rammed and hot. I met a person I’ve not met before, and it was he who made me realise that Phil Kay is not the only one off up here this year. I won’t mention his name because of what transpires later, but he’s like a cross between Chris Morris and Peter Cook circa ‘Derek and Clive get the horn’, drunk, breakdown era, vitriolic Peter Cook. He’s bounding about the bar vomiting all forms of obscenity out onto an unexpecting audience, save those who know him, who reliably inform me that this is normal behaviour. It’s ‘what’s the worst thing you can say to a stranger’ stuff, captivating as much as it is abhorrent. When it crosses the line into straightforward assault I keep my distance. But he reminds me of me, in a way. Not the assault, but the tractor beam of desperation to perform that throws you round a room of strangers and leads you to ruin their evening.

First of all, I need to acknowledge that this does not sound anything like Chris Morris. And I know Peter Cook had issues, but surely there’s a less dramatic simile than that, that John could have used to explain that some comedian was being a dick in a bar. Anyway, the story escalates very fast after that. Weirdly fast. The guy who is not Chris Morris or Peter Cook leaves, and then John and his friends leave, and they find the guy again in a chip show, where he's shouted verbal abuse at some locals and picked a fight with them.

He is chased out by 6 or 7 very rightly angry men, they knock him to the ground and begin to beat him. It’s the kind of thing you only imagine doing when you’re brain won’t sit still at night; “God, imagine if I shouted ‘Fuck you all’ at a funeral, or went to a Millwall game and called them all fags”. It’s not just social suicide, but increasingly physical suicide that I am watching. As the punches and kicks are thrown we wade in to stop the trouble, in the slightly awkward position of being totally sympathetic with the people who are kicking the shit out of him. One minute they were buying chips, the next being called “foreign cunts” and being told to “speak English” in their own country. He didn’t mean these things, but says them to achieve the desired effect: self destruction. As Burgess said, and never truer than now, “destruction’s our ode to joy”.

As we break it up, and shelter our colleague away from the gathering crowd, tears fall from his battered face, and now I properly see myself in his little boy lost eyes. I know that burning need to feel something, anything, other than what you’re feeling inside. In a former life I’d have put my fist through a door, or smashed a bottle or jumped through a shop window, something more controlled than letting half a dozen drunk Scots administer the punishment. “We need to get on top of this”, I say to him, and beating in my head is that statement, like a fucking beacon; “the law of love says ‘you are enough’” to be honest this guy is more than enough. But somehow I need to show him that like Phil suggests, he himself, is all he needs to do whatever he wants. That release, the blessed release that comes from being half killed by an angry mob can be found inside you, the law of love says so.

You definitely should not shout racist abuse at people who have graciously allowed thousands of annoying performers and tourists to take over their city for an entire month (though you also shouldn't beat people up in the street even if they deserve it, and if you see other people beating someone up in the street you should try to stop it if you can, even if they deserve it). And it's pretty fucking intense to quote the likes of Anthony Burgess to Phil Kay while describing the tear-stained face of a man who just picked a fight in a chip shop. I certainly wouldn't call it pointlessly intense this time - that situation got pretty fucking dramatic. But John Robins' narration also got pretty fucking dramatic, and I made of fun of that in another post a few weeks ago, and I mostly stand by that.

But I have to admit I did feel a bit bad after writing that, because of course I know exactly what he's talking about, I spent over ten years of my life unable to function unless I could go into a small room and physically throw myself against people until I knocked them down or they knocked me down and something hurt enough to stop me feeling anything else. And I realize that is also a pretty dramatic thing to write, it's the sort of thing I'd wake up to find written in a Word doc on my laptop next to a Subway wrapper and an almost empty whiskey bottle (which is, obviously, also a way to achieve that feeling of catharsis), but it is an experience I know well and is probably worth talking about. Maybe if more people wrote their feelings down in overly dramatic blog entries, fewer people would feel the need to go pick fights in the street.

And I thought of that old Chortle blog entry when I heard that line in The Mental Health Chapter of his audiobook written 11 years later: "My point here is this: You are enough." He remembered that line. Or he forgot it and it's a coincidence that he repeated it, that's probably more likely. But it did make me think I should be less of a dick about a twenty-five-year-old comedian contributing even more spelling errors to Chortle, while trying to express the way he connected to someone's emotional experience, in the hopes that it might turn out this one doesn't set him too far apart from other people. After all this, I really don't have grounds to make fun of someone else for doing that (although, in my defence, I at least keep my spelling errors/convoluted connections to an emotional experience on this website/gremlin network, and don't sully the highly respectable Bible/menu/tabloid of comedy with them).

Okay I'm done the dramatic parts now. The next chapter is "M: Mind Scenarios", which is much more lighthearted as it looks at the things he thinks about when trying to sleep, although that chapter does contain the line: "I find falling asleep sober so difficult that I’ve twice called NHS Direct because I thought I was having a heart attack," because it's John Robins, so even the fun little ones can get fairly dark. But that chapter is mainly not un-acknowledged alcoholism, it's mainly Sherlock Holmes fanfiction. That is not a joke, it's not something I'm taking out of context to make it sound weird. It's a very literal description of the chapter.

He explains to us that he likes to invent Sherlock Holmes mysteries while falling asleep, and then he spends quite a bit of time - a significant portion of the chapter - reading out an example. I kept waiting for there to be some twist or double meaning that would connect to other things from the book, but no, he just wanted to read us his Sherlock Holmes fanfiction. When he finished the Sherlock story, he didn't add any analysis or explanation of why he'd done that, he just immediately moved on to discussing the cognitive benefits of fantasizing about a nuclear apocalypse.

...Like I said, I'm enjoying the book, but I recommend it to people who are already on board with James and Robins and their whole thing, and I recommend it no one else. I'm having fun though. The vast majority of the book is much more fun than this post.

[autisticlancemcclain]

fic rec friday 4

welcome to the fourth fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

1. Flip by @icypantherwrites

A very important alliance hinges on Voltron’s ability to perform a Sambayee — a show of athleticism and grace — and Allura had believed she was Voltron’s best candidate. But the aliens do not want an alliance and set an impossible bar that Allura is horrified to realize she cannot reach. There is no way any one can.

Except, she learns, there is. And there is far, far more to Lance than she had once believed.

Gymnast Lance and Allura angst. What more do you need? Seriously, I love them both so much, and the fic treats them both with respect as friends (which can sometimes be tricky, but this does great!)

2. A Wider Universe by @spiralled-fury

Lance, separated from his team, his family, his home.

For them, it wasn't long.

For him, it was two years.

Two years of endless fighting.

New scars, new pain, new hatred.

And new feelings.

I don’t really need to rec this fic -- sixty thousand of us have read it. It’s the voltron epic of all voltron epics. BAMF Lance of all BAMF Lances, slowburn klance, MFE pilots with important parts to the story, and the best Lance & Red relationshop literally ever written. 

3. The Cracks in Your Mask by @chyeahlex16

According to Lance, he has a great life. A large family full of younger kids running around a cozy house, a stern father and a strong, loving mother, a large dog full of love for his owners, lots of space to run around and grow in the backyard. Only light and happiness, no tragedy to speak of. But this is far from the truth.

They’ll never know. If he has anything to say about it, no one will ever know the real truth.

- A journey following Lance as he comes to terms with his past and sexuality in a way he couldn't around his family on earth.

(Basically a very personal self-projection on Lance. Some material can be triggering, but I'm keeping it as vague as possible for obvious reasons.)

A major warning -- this fic is a very heavy deep-dive into the traumatising aftermath of childhood sexual assault. Lance, who was CSA’d as a child, is having more and more triggers in his every day life as a paladin. This story details his worsening spiral into his trauma, and his eventual snap and reliance on his team. It’s an excellent story, the team handles Lance with so much care, and it’s a really important story to read, I think (but, again, tread carefully). 

4. Two Years On A Fucking Space Whale by vrepit_nah

After two years on a damn space whale, the Voltron team see Keith return to them. Lance missed Keith, and well, it seemed Keith didn't feel the same seeing as he brushed past Lance without even a 'Hi.'

Except, this isn't Voltron: The Show, but Voltron: My Retelling (And the one we all wanted.)

Keith changes his mind about ignoring Lance.

This is the reunion fic that we deserve! Sappy klance! Whipped Keith! Flustered Lance! I love reading this one when I need to feel better about season 6. 

5. the electric synthesized pop ballad of why keith can’t have nice things by kay_cricketed

Keith can't have nice things. That's it. That's the story.

(Or, in which Keith slowly learns that sometimes the best family is the one you make, Pidge has strong feelings about peanuts, Lance has a secret but would've spoken up sooner if he'd known it would break Keith's brain, Hunk is the actual best, and Shiro is just relieved he didn't have to give anyone the Talk.)

Is this an ABO au? Yes. Am I a little embarrassed about it? Also yes. But I’ll be real, this fic is really good! It’s well written, it’s nonlinear -- which I love -- and it features absolute conniving shithead Lance, whom I adore. It’s a fun fic with interesting themes, including a big thing on trust, and I really recommend it. 

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!  

[keo-k]

sometimes i think i wasnt an injury-prone child and then i realise im gaslighting myself

tw: fair descriptions of injury?? if you dont like blood uhh dont read <3 this is just me reminiscing on being a child who thinks they cannot feel. pain. sorry if its incoherent im very sick and life feels like a fever dream and i did not sleep last night! this is so diary-entry-core TLDR i had a lot of random injuries and a few medical mysteries.

i keep looking at the middle of my chest like "man where the fuck did i get this scar from" and then i remember this one childhood day where i was filled with hubris and slid down a chain in a playground and my skin tore from under my shirt and i started bleeding terribly ill also occasionally look at the permanent callouses on my hands and remember running down a hill at full speed, followed by rolling down a hill at full speed, crashing into rocky concrete, looking down at my hands and being utterly terrified because they're entirely covered in blood???? its all red??????? also spinning on the biggest rock in the rock garden in front of my house after a friend's birthday party blowing bubbles when i lose my footing and land chin-first into the sharpest rock there, getting blood all over my favourite party dress and having to go to the ER for 6 hours and getting, not stitches, but glue. yeowie. i scratched most of the scar off somehow, just tearing the skin off my face because i didnt like the texture. its still kind of there if you look at the right angle. being in gymnastics class, doing beat swings on the high bars, thinking "whey my hands hurt im gonna drop and get some chalk (for some reason. its not like i was slipping i was just yeowch)", dropping down, looking at my hands and LO AND BEHOLD three inches of the skin beneath my ring finger on both hands is sticking up stupid vertical ! i couldnt use my hands too good for the next two weeks, also the skin sticking up WAS NOT DEAD so i couldnt trim it without feeling excruciating pain. like cutting your ear off :( not really a "when i was younger" thing, still valid now, but i have hyper mobility so im stupid flexible. especially in my ankles! like i cant do sports without wearing ankle braces on both legs. even that cannot save me sometimes, i still die. anyway my mum thought i was a piece of shit and was faking my ankle injuries bc the limping would last like. a whole month wowie! then we realised i just have bad joint. also i can hit the splits anywhere without stretching, i can walk on the literal sides of my ankles (not like. the sides of my feet no no no. go even further beyond.), i can fold my fingers backwards into silly lookin curls without any pain and keep them there no issue, and i have gotten many MANY greenstick fractures even after my bones developed a lot because my bones soft and refuse to break like a normal persons. like my basketball coach will bend my leg back to test how far it goes and i wont feel any pain and he'll say like. "oh thats waaaay too far back to be safe." and ill laugh because it can go WAY further back! and i hate it !

BONUS: ME BEING A MEDICAL MYSTERY WOOOOO up to age 8 i would have these ... seizures? all throughout the night. i would shake super aggressively and it wouldnt wake me up. my mum filmed it one night when she finally caught it on video (she would stay up HOURS ON END trying to catch it. wild). the shaking would start like a twitching at my fingers and would travel to my hand, to my arm, to the rest of my body and youd think i got fucking electrocuted. anyway she showed it to doctors and they brought me in immediately to scan my brain for fuck knows what and they didnt. find anything? like my brain activity was completely normal. they didnt let me out of hopital for a week cus theyre like "THIS ISNT NORMAL SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS KID" but. womp womp. we never found out. i dont shake anymore but i do shmove a lot. like, a lot a lot. and im always tired and im capable of falling asleep standing up. and have minor chronic fatigue. also i had a bullseye-type thingy on my thigh that really, REALLY looked like a tick bite! i was in immense amounts of pain and couldnt properly walk. there was a dot in the middle, and this surrounding ring of red would expand and shrink overtime. very reasonable to think of it as a tick bite. anyway my parents carried me out to the car in the middle of the night so we could go to sick kids. they measured how much the ring would expand by (i dont remeber number. it was beeg.) and then they sent me to the ER out of the concern that i would get lyme disease. they tested me or something idk i was unconcious and. IT WASNT A TICK BITE! you may be asking "so what was it, mr gorgeous fish?" um. well heres why this is in the 'medical mystery' section. they never found out. it went away a day later and we were just like "ah. okay." so. whoops. when i was a toddler they put me in an mri thing where they uh. strapped me down because toddlers usually freak out and damage the mri thingy? anyway. was in there for two hours. and i did not freak out. at all. i was asleep for one of the hours, but the second one i just laid there very awake and very still and the doctors thought i had brain. damage. i didnt! yay ! i also have many chronic illness now. weeeee i probably missed a lot of my stories here but anyway. heres me being silly

[gaymer-hag-stan]

Rating the Tekken 8 cast that's been revealed so far.

Not how they fare on a competitive scale, just them as characters, how they look, how they play, what they are like personality-wise, for fun.

Nina Williams - 10 / 10 - Nina is my all time favourite fighting game character and second favourite video game character overall after Lara Croft. While I like the upper part of her new costume, the lower half looks weird. The fringes on her dress look extremely tacky and the fact that she has ankle bracelets on BOTH legs does too. I'm also a bit worried about the fact that she's wearing a dress and did her hair short like... These are Anna's trademarks. This better not mean that she's out of the game! Her tweaked gameplay is tons of fun and her Lara Croft dual pistols are a very welcome addition too!

Jun Kazama - 9.4 / 10 - The return or a legend! Very happy to have her back after all this time. I'm still very mad they made her look younger than her fucking son, but I'm also still thinking she's not actually alive and that's she's a spirit or something. We'll see. Otherwise the costume looks nice, but is overall inferior to both her Tekken 2 and Tekken Tag 2 looks. Her gameplay is cool as fuck though.

Ling Xiaoyu - 9.3 / 10 - Xiao got a nice redesign overall. Still fits her character and I think she even looks and sounds a bit more confident and less childish now which is definitely a big improvement. Her hits during gameplay even feel more powerful too. She's all grown up!

Jin Kazama - 9.3 / 10 - Jin looks a lot less emo this time around and much more determined. His overall gameplay still feels familiar and the addition of his devil moves finally being part of his core gameplay is a nice touch.

Lili - 8.8 / 10 - Namco has been STRUGGLING with Lili's face but, most of all, her fucking her for a while now but I think this is the closest they ever got to making it look normal lmao. Lili's rich whiny bitch personality has been a hit for me since day one and I feel like her french voice actress is getting more and more comfortable with the role as I feel like this is her best work as Lili so far. Her gymnastics and dancing also fit the new Tekken 8 gameplay perfectly.

Hwoarang - 8.7 / 10 - Hwoarang's new look ages him up a lot I feel like which is weird because he's supposed to be in his 20s still. Still a big improvement over previous looks I might say. So far nothing came close to his Tekken 3 taekwondo gi for me but this is a close second. I'm glad they dropped the one eye blind thing but at the same time what the fuck is up with continuity at this point. Did he get his ass blown up in Tekken 7 or not?? His moves feel like he has reached and even surpassed his master's level so this is another case of seeing characters grow up through gameplay itself.

Asuka Kazama - 8.7 / 10 - I was a big fan of Asuka back in her Tekken 5 days but her gradual "cuteification" when she clearly had a more "streetwise, punk kid" vibe in Tekken 5 has annoyed me and it still continues in this game. Her voice actress is even playing her lines cuter this time. Her one-sided rivalry with Lili has also damaged her characterization as she is literally relegated to Lili's play toy and her own goals have been set aside long ago. Their rivalry only works on Lili's favour as a character and Namco constantly pushing the teenage girl rivalry as the main female rivalry when Nina and Anna are literally right. there. has gone stale since Tekken Tag 2. It feels like I trashed on her a lot but I do still like Asuka, I'm just not happy with the design and story choices being made since after her debut and at this point I like what Asuka used to be before Lili and not what she's ended up being nowadays.

King - 8.6 / 10 - I haven't played King in ages but King is King you know? He's a staple and I'm always just happy to have him around even if I never pick him up at all lol.

Lars Alexandersson - 7.4 / 10 - Lars has always just been kind of... There for me, but not in the sense that King is there. King is King but Lars is, unfortunately, just Lars... At least he looks kinda hotter this time.

Claudio Serafino - 6.0 / 10 - When I first saw Claudio in Tekken 7, while it was still in its arcade phase, I felt like I was gonna like him but he eventually ended up doing absolutely nothing for me? He's extremely middle of the road for me, I neither like nor hate him, he's, like Lars, just there.

Leroy Smith - 5.0 / 10 - I kinda like his concept but he's ultimately very meh. I also don't see how or why he's still around with Heihachi dead. Admittedly, I haven't checked his profile because I don't really care for him, but if they found a new motive to keep him and his annoying drooling dog around but couldn't be bothered to do the same for Christie in Tekken 7 then I have honestly nothing more to say.

Kazuya Mishima - 4.9 / 10 - If Jin doesn't kill him in this chapter I'll be very disappointed.

Marshall Law - 3.9 / 10 - I used to play a little bit with him back in 5 but I haven't touched him in a while and it looks like it will stay that way... His redesign is absolutely disgusting. Sorry to all my roidheads out there but he looks ridiculous!

Paul Phoenix - 2.0 / 10 - Paul was supposed to be Kazuya's rival, who I dislike as well, but he used to be the series mascot so Paul being essentially the Ken to Kazuya's Ryu was, in theory, a good spot to hold. But Paul has over the years regressed to nothing more than a joke character, which is extremely weird because he's one of the very few characters who has been in every game and this is how he looks now... Wow...

Bryan Fury - 2.0 / 10 - Bryan is annoying. Yes he's been a mainstay since his debut but ehh. His maniac laugh was kinda iconic but the rerecording they've been using since Tekken 6 was underwhelming and now it has become even more irrelevant I think. Ultimately I'd rather Bruce was the resident kickboxer. I don't care for him much either but he looks cooler.

Jack-8 - 1.9 / 10 - With all the money Jane makes from G-Corporation she still can't buy a fashion sense because Jack looks more ridiculous each generation.

So that's it. Remember to not take it too personally if I don't like your fave.

[sizzleissues]

I liked the movie - it was enjoyable, I like seeing cinematic fanfiction of my favourite guys. The animation was gorgeous, the songs were bops, the lighting was a stand out and it had subtleties to the story and art that can be analysed. Saying that, was it great? No.

The plot was a bit jumbled so now allow me to fix it in some small ways because I don’t know how to shut up.

The Opening of the movie works well. It establishes Marinette as far too anxious to stand up for herself. She is a character who at this point doesn’t see herself as worthy of anything more. She sings her song about ‘what if I was confident, what would I do’ but she doesn’t make a move to be confident after it, she doesn’t believe she can be at the moment.

I’d have Alya already be her friend but Marinette doesn’t realise it (Again she’s anxious and feels worthless). Maybe a line like ‘You don’t have to stick up for me anymore, Alya, we’re no longer project partners.’ And Alya rebuffs her saying ‘Girl, you’re my full time project. I’m sticking with you.”

(This goes on - continues below cut to save your dash)

She bumps in Chloé again and runs away, like in the movie, and finds Adrien in the library. The only thing I’d change in that interaction is Adrien pulls her away from some falling books rather than helps her stand afterward. Adrien is then demonstrating his kindness and his heroic qualities. Marinette develops her crush. I like the fact the book that Marinette holds in the movie has a cat on it, foreshadowing as you call it, Adrien’s role, so a fallen book would be shown to have cat on it as Adrien puts them away. He asks offhandly is she’s alright, Marinette buffers, getting out word soup and he leaves. Noting her strangeness like in the movie.

Marinette getting her miraculous works already so it’s just Adrien’s I’d change. I’d have him be at the theatre still, notice the strange light and a cat stuck in a bucket. Once he helps it out, he see’s the ring. Again, he’s kind and curious so he helps the cat. He’s already got his saviour moment earlier but this helps further it.

Ladynoir’s first fight works already and the denial stuff later so our next change comes at the fair. Instead of deciding to be Ladybug again, Marinette runs at first from danger but see’s her father in trouble (or Alya and Nino) has her song and saves him. He’s like ‘You are so brave - like my daughter. Is she alright?’ Ladybug’s like ‘Anyone is brave with a mask, random citizen I do not know. Your daughter is safe, trust me’ and leaves him somewhere safely. Cue second Ladynoir fight which again works.

We montage and I’m not smart enough to figure out an alternative to it that isn’t just more movie run time. I’d have moments of Marinette helping her friends like when she talks to Adrien about his mom interspersed through the Ladynoir bonding. Her succeeding at gymnastics and her classes is one way the movie demonstrates how she’s growing in confidence but I think just one moment of her with Alya, talking like friends at a crossing and she saves her from oncoming traffic or something like that. She’s more than just more confident as Marinette now, she’s heroic and capable in her everyday life.

Pretty much everything up to the final battle works for me, that’s where I’d make some bigger changes while keeping the ending. Theme and character arc talk first though.

Our running themes at the moment are still ‘stronger together’ from the unchanged Ladynoir bits and ‘don’t let fear stop you’ as Marinette’s lesson to learn. There’s also the other message I see the movie attempted with Marinette still not feeling as confident without the mask. That’s why I have the line above, to try to strengthen it before it’s brought up in the finale. Also maybe add in something after Adrien rejects her that ‘No one would reject Ladybug but everyone rejects Marinette’ as she mopes about it. Adrien and Gabriel’s lessons are a lot to do with love. Adrien opens up through loving Ladybug and Gabriel succumbs to a toxic love to his wife at the cost of his son. His resolution would still be realising in a physical way, not just mentally, he’s hurting Adrien with his fruitless pursuit.

We have our third act break up kinda with the finale fight. They aren't working together to be stronger together. Chat Noir goes off to fight Hawkmoth, leaving behind Ladybug. The fight results in the Eiffel's Towers destruction - but from something Hawkmoth does, not Chat Noir. Ladybug is trapped by debris, Hawkmoth approaching and Chat realises the error of his way. He saves her by discovering his cataclysm to free her and they have an exchange like this while it happens. Ladybug, "You came back, I thought you were mad at me?" And Chat Noir "I can never be mad at you. It's like what you said, were stronger together. Even if we can't be together together. I will always save you. Cataclysm" or something like that.

They fight together against Hawkmoth but he's stronger. She fails and her miraculous is stolen. With that added power Chat Noir doesn't stand a chance. It's looking like they'll lose, Chat Noir near unconsciousness in Hawkmoth's grasp and Marinette tossed to the side. Marinette is defeated as she believes she’s nothing without the mask and she doesn’t even have the security of the earrings anymore. She looks around at a destroyed Paris, seeing what it used to be and the people she knows are possibly hurt or gone.

At the point Marinette as herself has saved Master Fu’s life, bettered her friends lives and demostrated courage as her civilian form, she just hasn’t realised it yet. I think the film attempted this parallel as her saving of Chat Noir by grabbing him mirrored her saving of Master Fu. But I think more can be done to hammer it home.

She turns from seeing the destroyed Paris to seeing Chat Noir in trouble, his transformation deteriorating. Like how she as to act as Ladybug to save her father (or Alya and Nino.) and act as Marinette to save Master Fu, she acts as someone between both her timid old self and her confident alter ego to save Chat Noir. She drags him away, getting the ‘don’t touch him’ line there instead.

Hawkmoth has no reason to recognise Marinette but as she drags Chat Noir away, his transformation fails. Hawkmoth sees its his son lying there unconscious and realises the error of his ways. Seeing this as a private moment, Marinette scuttles away with the discarded butterfly. Adrien completes his arc by opening his heart back up to his father who’d pulled away, forgiving him for the harm he’s done. Something in their exchange that Marinette can still hear sparks an idea in her. Love.

As she hands back the butterfly miraculous to Master Fu, she asks if he’d known who Hawkmoth was when choosing Adrien. Master Fu says somethings can never be known, that the miraculous work in mysterious ways and maybe that’s why Adrien was the perfect candidate. Their familial love was what was needed, that more than just Hawkmoth was defeated today. A broken family was healed. She then asks what about Paris and Master Fu reminds her of her miraculous’s main power. Creation.

Putting this together with her realisation that love heals, she discovers the cure.

The ending would go the same except I WOULDN’T CUT BEFORE THE KISS. I’d also add as Marinette pulls up to the ball she’s watching a video press conference and while we can’t hear what’s being said, it’s Gabriel speaking with ‘public apology for wrongdoings, fines to go to charity as a tagline’. Realistically since Marinette had fixed the damage to Paris and Gabriel is rich, a slap on the wrist is all he’d get.

There are issues with my take most likely but writing this has also helped me better understand the movie and appreciate it more. You could also completely rework the movie from the ground up but I wanted to make it stick to what they were going for with things I’d think would held the messages of love, stronger together and conquering fear being more clear.

Anything I didn’t mention that happens in the film is something to keep so read this with the understand those scenes still happen. These are just changes to certain bits. Also I’d take out Plagg farting and use that time to further Adrien’s loneliness, detachment for his father and also how he starts to move past his pain and open up to Ladybug, Marinette and even Nino. (That’s something I forgot to mention.) He’d talk to Plagg about this stuff and Plagg would act similarly to his show counterpart, being aloof and cheese obsessed but giving Adrien the ear to finally vent things to and a way to show he is feeling more open.

Anyways I want to say again I love the movie as a fan, but I can see its issues. The show has the advantage of being able to run for long enough that its patches of confusing writing can be corrected later. The movie had to get it right first try. I do like what they did with the character’s, but again I said it somewhere else; They’re different interpretations of the base concept of Parisian heroes that both the show and movie stem from. One isn’t necessarily better than the other or render the other pointless. And I’m not here to discuss that debate.

[theghostofashton]

weekend wip game

thank you for the tags @lemonlyman-dotcom and @orchidscript and thank you to @welcometololaland for coming up with this game!

rules: list your wips below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future wips/ideas!) then answer the following questions. then, tag as many people as you have wips (or more).

1. WIP List:

of things i am actively working on / thinking about?

exes to lovers au: the one i'm the farthest in, the gang went to college together in new york and made all kinds of memories, tk and carlos fell in love, but things ended abruptly right before graduation and now it's six years later and fate brings them back together (tk moves to austin)

olympics au: after a devastating injury took him out of contention for london, carlos is back to gymnastics and determined to make rio. he doesn't anticipate the way tk strand coming into his life will change everything.

cda: i don't want to give much away about this one but it is a carlos character study

stripper au: this has like. -3 plot atm (is honestly just a series of chaotic text messages to friends) so i don't have much to say but i have decided i will be writing it for sure so adding to the list.

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

exes to lovers, hands down. both in words and extensive plans

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

exes to lovers

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

the only one i'm making active progress on atm is exes to lovers but i would probably say that one. it's such a rich story filled with so many self-indulgent things and thinking about it and planning has been so much fun

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

stripper au i think. mostly because it's a kind of story i never thought i would write and a whole new world to explore. challenging myself in writing is one of my favorite things about it but it's also scary lol

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

exes to lovers i think. just because it's so specific in my head and i'm constantly doubting my ability to translate that to actual words lol

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

having someone else read my fics before they're posted is a relatively new thing to me tbh, but i really do enjoy it so i'd say all of them? i just find that having someone to talk things through with is really invaluable. i haven't sought out a sensitivity reader yet but i would definitely do so depending on content so i'm making sure to be respectful

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block?

...exes to lovers lately? idk i've just as a whole been busy/tired/stressed and not writing nearly as much which has been really frustrating

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

so far i don't think i have any lol. but i'm creating a love interest for marjan in exes to lovers that i'm super excited about. queer marjan is a hc that's always been special to me so i've decided to create a gf for her.

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

stripper au i feel like is the obvious answer lol

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

exes to lovers, probably. getting into their heads about their time apart hurts, the breakup hurts, the messiness of them encountering each other present day hurts..... she's gonna be a lot lol

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

exes to lovers for sure. i feel like getting to think about everyone when they were 18 and in college and develop them there and then also exploring them into adulthood has led to some incredible characterization

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

exes to lovers because it explores new york and texas so closely

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

exes to lovers. my voice memos are just.....that fic. i've gone on so many walks during my lunch breaks and just talked through some things with myself lol. weaving two timelines together is so hard and has taken so much planning

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

cda, i think. it's a story i've wanted to write for months but i've kinda shied away from because there were a lot of things i wanted to think through for it. there's so much i want it to be and i hope i can accomplish that

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

i wish lmao

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

exes to lovers has the two timelines, olympics involves a lot of gymnastics jargon, cda is very much [redacted], and stripper au is well. self explanatory lol

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

olympics au, i'd say. kinda a heavy premise that i wanted to offset with a lot of jokes and banter amongst the characters

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

exes to lovers won't necessarily feature outside pov but a good bit of this story deals with this group of very close-knit friends that fell apart a little, once two of them broke up, and the ways that rocked everyone's dynamics (particularly because, similar to canon, neither tk nor carlos told them why). it's been really interesting to think about how that affected the other characters. i also have spent way too much time developing everyone else, thinking about their lives and careers and perspectives, so there'll definitely be quite a bit of character exploration beyond tarlos

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

exes to lovers - carlos teaches 10th grade english and it has been an absolute joy to write

olympics au - andrea and gabriel olympic power duo <3

cda: all my carlos headcanons wrapped into a fic

four wips so i'll tag @sanjuwrites @reyesstrand @carlos-in-glasses and @bonheur-cafe

[gay-impressionist]

QUESTIONS FOR 15 FRIENDS

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

Nope. All my three names are just names that my parents liked

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Honestly no idea lol. But somewhere in the last week or two probably. Maybe when I read about the death of that non-binary 16yo. I remember that made me cry.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

No, and don't want any.

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?

I haven't exercised in a very long time lol. But I swam, did gymnastics and judo in primary school. After that, I only played sports for school.

DO YOU USE SARCASM?

Depends on the context ? With my family, definitely. But outside of that, people don't always recognize it so I tend not to use it as much. Maybe more now that I work with people who like sarcasm lol

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

Their "regard", aka the look in their eyes for lack of a better traduction. It shows personalities a lot I'd say.

Also their hair, smile and general vibe/style.

WHAT’S YOUR EYE COLOUR?

Blue. Grey-blue if you want to get specific.

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

Happy endings 😌 I'm not into stuff that scares me, it's not a feeling I like to experience on purpose. I have enough of it with my anxiety lol.

ANY TALENTS?

No lol. I'm good at a lot of stuff, but I don't have any talent per se.

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Paris ! (12ème arrondissement rpz)

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

Listening to music, reading, watching movies/tv shows, japanese bookbinding, seeing my friends, travelling, going on tumblr, taking photos...

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?

Nope. I used to have a goldfish named Coco because that's all my parents would allowed us to have (I wanted a bunny) though.

HOW TALL ARE YOU?

1m69

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?

History ! And sociology

DREAM JOB?

I kinda have it? Lol. My dream job is to work for a big public administration, in HR and/or in the field of diversity/equality/discriminations, where I can work on a variety of subjects, as interdisciplinary as possible, with some activity monitoring and some projects. And that's my current job haha. I'd like to be more on a macro level though, whereas I do a lot of micro rn.

But tbh, what's most important for me is to work with people you like to work with. You can cope with a job that's mostly uninteresting and ungratifying if your coworkers and boss are cool. And so far, it's mostly been the case for me. My current coworkers are mostly meh and annoying, but never mean or whatever, and I get on like a house on fire with my boss and her deputy, and that's enough for me.

Tagging @jupiterianvampire @c-optimistic @zbdragons @nimouette @profiterole-reads

[chainsawmascara]

TAG GAME TAG GAME TAG GAME TAG GAME, man, i missed these. @hotnerdywizard got me on this. Let's fucking GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

1. Are you named after anyone?

I was named after an actor! Quite a famous one. I won't name him, of course, but i love his work. Renaming myself was a bit of an accident. Someone had to take up the mantle of Prince, as a very short and flamboyant singer, it fits despite the lack of intention.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Excellent question! I was listening to a song about two weeks ago, it came out of nowhere. Spent about half the track crying with not an inkling as to why. I suppose i was overdue, no?

3. Do you have kids?

I do! A little mischief muffin of a young man. Very snuggly, shockingly bright, biggest smile I've ever seen. I adore him. I'd set the world on fire for him.

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

Cross country! I was Scouted for my refusal to play team sports when i could run laps and get three miles in (this did not prevent the necessity of dodging when dodgeball was the sport - whoopth). I played short stop for a while. Basketball at home, scorekeeping for my first job when i didn't make the team. I was a gymnast for years! Damn good at it, too. One of these days, I'll reteach myself to backflip. Eventually. At some point. Does extreme inline skating count? I was big on that.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

No, I've never been sarcastic in my life. (That was sarcasm.)

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

You can tell a lot about a person by their shoes. I stand by that. General aesthetic, their vibe. The emotion they're hiding in their eyes.

7. What’s your eye colour?

Somewhere between green and yellow depending on the light.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

There's a little of both in any story.

9. Any talents?

Talent can only bring one so far. It's the skills we hone from them. I have quite a number tucked in my back pocket. We haven't the time for the list. Well, we DO, it's more I'll Sound Like An Asshole if i give that laundry list. I may sound like one anyway. Folks tend to view a confident person as arrogant.

10. Where were you born?

Good old Providence. I never leave this city for long, it has my heart. Not to mention that one time i had to drink from a fountain downtown, there's a fountain down city with a superstition to it. Should one drink from it, they never truly leave. I'll die in this city, I'll die happily.

11. What are your hobbies?

Writing - poetry, journaling, journalism. Singing. Running when I'm able. Catching any concert I can. Art of many kinds. Perhaps I'll indulge that today. Reading. Philosophy. Designing. Stand up comedy and spoken word, I'm overdue a return to stage. Gaming. Body surfing and swimming. Rockhounding! Deciphering grave markers. Traveling, with any excuse, often with no notice to anyone until maybe a day prior. There are others, surely, that escape my mind at present. I do Many Things.

12. Do you have any pets?

My beloved bearded dragon, Babs. I'd set the world on fire for him, too.

13. How tall are you?

5 feet of fucking fury and an extra inch of insufferable pretention.

14. Favourite subject in school?

Neuroscience and literature - existentialist and gothic horror to be precise. I was a neuroscience TA, in fact!

15. Dream job?

A dream is what you want to do but still haven't pursued. I've done my dream jobs, I'm still doing most of them. I've always maintained I'd never have a normal job. So far, I've made good on that. If any of you catch me at an office job, kill the imposter on sight.

My dear friend tagged most of the folks i would've! It's up to you, @yolo-swaginz and @kuzupekos , should you find yourselves up to the task.

[berisims]

TAGGED: 15 QUESTIONS

Got tagged by @alpine-lapine and after running a poll on who I should make this about, it turns out ✨Morgyn✨ won with 50% of the votes. Not my OC, but people seem to like them, so I shall deliver!

Questions & answers under the cut:

Are you named after anyone?

No idea. My mother never bothered to tell me.

When was the last time you cried?

I'm not sure. I haven't shed a tear in a long while. Though if I had to guess, I'd say the time I was told about Tess' disappearence probably being tied to her potential death was the last time I truly cried.

Do you have kids?

Not at the moment. Though Minerva keeps telling me how she has visions of me holding two curly haired children who look suspiciously like me and...an acquaintance. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that.

Do you use sarcasm?

Oh I live for sarcasm. To be fair, I think it's a Sage thing. *Snicker* Yeah, I'd say it comes with the job.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their eyes. Not in the superficial "you've pretty eyes" manner, but in the "I now know your every secret" kinda way. You can learn so much about a person just by looking them in the eyes. You can find out if they're excited, scared, maybe intimidated by your presence. Some are subtle and others not so much. It's quite interesting, honestly. And telling of a person. Which is why I often use sunglasses when going out... Yes, even at nightime...I do the eye reading thing, not them.

What’s your eye colour?

Green, unfortunately. Most people think it's a lovely color, but to me it only serves as a reminder that I actually have a father who never bothered to make an appearance in my life. I'd much rather have my mother's brown even if our relationship is rocky.

Scary movies or happy endings?

I find happy endings to be cliché and far too boring these days. Bring in the horror. I'm all for it. I just won't guarantee it'll do a good job of scaring me.

Any special talents?

I can light things on fire and put them out with a simple flick of my wrist, but I suppose this so called "talent" is exclusive to spellcasters alone. If we're talking regular human talents then I'd probably say...acting. My fellow sages can attest to that.

Where were you born?

It's a blur, honestly. I know my mother was originally from Glimmerbrook and that I was raised in Windenburg up until I decided to run away at the age of 16, but I'm unsure if I was actually born there. I always had the idea that we simply moved shortly after my birth as a means to chase after my bastard father. But again, this is not something that I know for certain.

What are your hobbies?

There are a ton of things I enjoy doing, none of which I consider to be a hobby aside from reading, maybe. I don't have that much free time away from the Magic Realm, anyways. Simeon has been trying to get me into gardening though, but I don't think it's for me. After all, it's not like I can grow plants out of thin air like he can. He's the expert in Practical Magic, not me...and I wouldn't be caught dead digging through dirt and soil with my own bare hands.

Have you any pets?

I do. A 2 year old Dobermann. His name is Asmodeus. 

What sports do you play/ have played?

I'm honestly not that much of a sports person anymore, but I used to do gymnastics as a kid. And it's fortunate that I did, because all that trained flexibility still comes in handy sometimes. *L. Faba snorts in the distance* L. take your mind out of the gutter, that's not what I meant.

How tall are you?

Around 5'7.

Favourite subject in school?

My memories of school are brief and muddled, but I remember I used to love biology. And physics. The irony of it all baffles me to this day.

Dream job?

I've never given it much thought, especially after dropping out before I could even finish high school. Years later, the..."oportunity" to become a Sage made itself known and I took it. It wasn't like I had much of a choice in the matter, with me being the one apprentice Tess left before she went missing. I was obviously still in training when that happened, but the Realm desperately needed a new Sage of Untamed Magic and so I had to rise up to the occasion and take the position for myself. At first, I was resentful and felt that becoming a sage was the equivalent of becoming a prisoner of the Realm. But I soon realized this wasn't the case and eventually grew to love what I currently do. There is so much more to being a Sage than just holding the Magic Realm in place. Today I can confidently say that this is, in fact, my dream job.

---//---

None of you has to do this if you're not feeling up to it, but just in case you are, I'm tagging @starlightthing , @trappedwell , @samssims and @edyavtostopom . The original template is in english, but if any of you feels more comfortable doing this in a different language, then go for it! Your blog, your rules!