#my family tells me that i shouldn't keep things bottled up inside

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

if i can't get my disability approved, idk what I'm going to do. i'll have to move back in with my parents. and i think i would rather just die. bc i love my parents, but they fucked me up.

this got really long and kinda heavy, so i'm putting the rest under a keep reading thingy

i can talk to my mom about it somewhat. but not my dad. he'd never acknowledge that he could be the root of my anxiety. but living with him as a kid, i remember feeling anxious all the time. bc he was a drunk, and a mean one. he never hit us or anything. but he'd lose his temper and yell at us over the most minor of things. so i never felt 100% safe in my own home. and i can't ever bring that up, bc he'd refuse to accept any fucking responsibility.

i guess that's what therapy is for, but what does it matter? if i ever let out all the rage i've kept bottled up towards my family for my entire life, i feel like i would burn bridges, i would wreck relationships. and i don't want to be responsible for that. i've bit my tongue and folded into myself and just avoided any real meaningful connections with anyone outside my immediate family.

and where does the rage go, if you can't let it out? you hold it inside yourself and ignore it and push it back until you implode. or until it feels like this thing inside you with razor sharp claws and teeth that eats away at you, and it hurts.

i never thought i'd make it to 36.

i always believed that someday i would just...break. that i wouldn't be able to handle it anymore, and i'd just take enough pills that i would die. sleeping pills was the plan. it seemed so peaceful, like you could fall asleep and never wake up. i just wanted to do it a way that there was no pain.

jfc, idk what i'm doing. treating tumblr like a goddamn confessional. i'm going to bed. maybe tomorrow i'll be able to find my meds and can actually do...anything

[lunaekalenda]

warnings!: a bit drunk sylus, so mentions of alcohol and consume of it

your hometown seems prettier than ever with sylus walking by your side, with your hand entwined with his, as his voice hums some sweet song while you approach your old house's main entrance. the tall man smiles at you, his red eyes shining tenderly, as he knocks on the door.

all your memories - your childhood, the smell of food, the paintings hanging on the walls - hit you as soon as the door opens. sylus introduces himself to them, to your family, to those tied to you by blood and those that became part of it. he patiently hears the elder's talk about their young days, they way they embarrass you with stories of when you were younger, the way they compliment him and how he looks at you with a playful grin. he kneels to be able to talk with the younger ones, the ones that tell him he looks like a prince, whom ask for a game after lunch. sylus - your present and your future, the man that promised to protect you, the one you want to be with for the rest of your life - and them - your past, the ones that made you became who you are now, who shaped you, who forged your virtues and defects. - merge so well, as if all the pieces that took so long to repair inside of you were finally glued by the sound of their shared laughter.

lunch happens without any incident, apart from the continuous questions to a very confident sylus, and suddenly it's already time for the after lunch. bottles and bottles of exquisite local liquor and other alcohols run through the table while the kids play in the background. even when your man has a really strong alcohol tolerance, you fear maybe they're giving him too many things to try.

"sylus, maybe... that's enough." you see how the next shot -this time, pomace cream- slides into his mouth, with a drop running down his lip, that he's quick to catch with his tongue. he gives you a quick kiss, leaving a sweet flavor on them.

"i'm alright, love. it would be rude to refuse." but their tolerance outpaces your boyfriend's. green liquors, coffee ones, strawberry creams... he tries at least a shot of all of them, and even when he's being polite and rejecting most of the glasses, your family keeps insisting on the most famous ones. the elders pat his shoulders and you stand up quickly, taking your boyfriend's arm and walking towards the upper flat with a poor excuse. "please, forgive us. we're very tired of the trip, and we would like to rest. we'll be in my old room."

going upstairs, sylus walks by your side, tangling his arm on your waist and following you closely. as soon as you arrive, you see the old couch you used to spend so many afternoons in, reading a book, playing a game or watching a show. before being able to arrive to your old room, sylus turns around and, with a smile, he kisses the tip of your nose. seeing this version of him - so blushed, so soft, so tipsy.- makes your heart flutter.

"you're so drunk, sylus. i knew i shouldn't have let you stay for the afterlunch." he laughs and lets all his tall body fall in your couch, way too small for his body. he seems uncomfortable, so you guide him to lie properly. "here. your feet. now your knees, bend them." his movements mimic your orders, and his eyes are focused on you with attention.

"and now?" he asks. his voice sounds sleepy, but he's incredibly attentive to you.

"your hands under your head." he does so, and you kneel near him, his face close to yours. he hums.

"you could just buy a bigger couch." he whispers, glancing at his knees. "you can't fit here with me if my knees are not straight." his faces turns into a pout, before looking back at you. his red, sleepy eyes in contrast with his white, wild hair. he smiles sweetly. "but don't worry, love." he stretches his body, letting his feet hang from the couch, and resting his back against the cushions. "i can sleep with my feet outside the couch, but not without you." his hand moves to your cheek, caressing it, the very most sincere gaze you've seen from him looking directly at you. so full of love, of affection and happiness; of desire, of willing, of sweetness, of devotion. all the feelings he always tries to demonstrate to you, to tell you, to shout to everyone; caged in such a passional red-shade eyes.

his hand caresses your cheek, your jaw, your neck. it follows the pace of the same song he has been humming all day, some local tune he heard on the radio on your drive here. it's slow, pleasant, subtle; and his thick voice, roughened by sleep and alcohol, welcomes you to hear more of it. his hand quickly reaches your arm, pulling you sweetly towards the couch, making room for you in front of his body, facing him. his chest rises and falls with each quiet breath, and your bodies are too close. he sighs.

"are you alright, love? comfortable?" you nod a couple times against his collarbone. he smiles, even when you can't see him. you silently thank fate for bringing him into your life, for the smell of his cologne that feels like being home, for the warmth of his hands on your lower back, for the way you tangle your legs between his.

"forget the bigger couch, i think we should get one this size for our home." his sudden words make you laugh, quickly passing in on to him. his embrace becomes stronger and you close your eyes, face buried on his chest, feeling the laughs and the chats of the floor below. you smile.

maybe he's all you've been searching for.

"sylus." you fear he's asleep, but his low "hm?" reaches your ears.

"i love you."

the room falls silent for what seems to be hours, but you feel how his grip tighten, his body pressing even closer to yours as he takes a deep breath.

"i love you. i love you so much, so much more"

[kitchenisking]

June Fic Rec❤️

Summer is almost upon us! its 40c degrees here and we are over heating. so lets enjoy the nice air conditioning and the amazing fics that these amazing author wrote! 😘

Daybreak by TheObsidianQuill  - (Rating: Mature, Words: 70382, sterek)

"There . . ." Stiles swallowed and looked down at the bottle in his grasp as he slowly swirled the amber liquid inside. "There's really nothing left. For me. Everyone is . . . gone, and it feels like I haven't thought of tomorrow in years." His words rang in the air like a gunshot, he took another heavy drink. "I would trade every last breath I take to just have another shot—not even a guarantee, just a chance to make things right and bring back even one of them." -----

The pack was gone. He had nothing left. He had no one. With nothing to lose, Stiles puts everything on the line to go back in time to try to prevent the future from becoming his past. Broken, guarded, and haunted by his past, only one overgrown-pup of a wolf seems able to get past his defenses. Changing the future? Easy. Finding a place for himself in the Hale Pack? Impossible.

Not all treasure is silver and gold by princecharmingwinks  - (Rating: Mature, Words: 26597, sterek)

Captain Derek Hale is on a mission and he needs a fearless crew. His betrothed has been kidnapped, his family lives in exile and he harbours a dangerous secret. Enter Lady Erica Reyes, the perfect Quartermaster to join the crew. Erica has her own reasons for needing to escape her seaside town. An abusive father with a suggested 'arrangement' has forced her to create her own future.

A Derek and Erica friendship on the high seas, all in the name of love and family. Because not all treasure is silver and gold.

monday i can fall apart but by friday i'm in love by tryslora - (Rating: Mature, Words: 5609, sterek)

It's just past five in the morning and Stiles is barely awake, wearing only sleep pants that hang low below his pregnant belly, and he can't get the damned brand new jar of decaf coffee open. But he has a neighbor, and he's too tired to think that waking someone else up at this hour might not be the best (or politest) of ideas.

Human Things by ChloeWeird (ChloeBYoung), SylvieW - (Rating: T, Words: 10542, sterek)

Stiles keeps running into Derek, and can't leave well enough alone.

if i'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that i am? by EvanesDust - (Rating: T, Words: 13076, sterek)

When Derek’s kids write out their Christmas lists, they insist he writes one too. Not long after it's deposited in Santa's mailbox, he's reunited with the man of his dreams.

Stiles.

Derek can't help but fall for him again. It's really too bad Stiles is so obviously taken.

...or the one where Derek’s a grump who makes assumptions about his pregnant omega neighbor.

Disposition by Tulikettu - (Rating: Explicit, Words: 56104, sterek)

Stiles has an itch. A kinky, kinda dirty itch he needs to scratch. 

So why not go on the Internet and look for a complete stranger to scratch it? 

Derek needs a partner for his rut. 

What a coincidence.

I Didn't Know That I Was Starving (til I tasted you) by LadySlytherin - (Rating: Mature, Words: 4482, sterek)

Derek - who lives in New York with his older sister, Laura - is back in Beacon Hills, visiting his parents and younger sister for Christmas, when everything changes. Cora invites friends over while their parents are visiting other family, Derek drinks something he didn't know he shouldn't have, and things get a little out of control.

Misunderstandings abound, secrets are spilled, and in the end all it takes to find happiness is being brave enough to reach out with both hands and never let go.

The Rarest of Gems by Hedwig221b - (Rating: Explicit, Words: 26497, sterek)

"There, somewhere, a flower grows. Its curious petals reach in curiosity, but get burned in return. It craves a soothing touch, a lover’s kiss. It is the sweetest nectar, the brightest moonlight, the most alluring starry night. It is the rarest of gems. It is your mate, alpha Hale. But beware and haste, for the flower grows among the most vicious thorns, who can’t wait to tear it apart."

Strong Alpha, Strong Pups by Snare - (Rating: Explicit, Words: 7349, sterek)

Omegas are weak. Stiles is an Omega, but Stiles has magic. Stiles is strong.

Stiles is strong, so Alpha needs to be stronger. Strong Alpha, strong pups.

A Rocky Halloween by MichelleDWinchester - (Rating: Explicit, Words: 21830, sterek)

Stiles hasn't been back to Beacon Hills in a while, instead choosing to focus on his University work and internship. Now, however, Stiles is back in town for a bit of Halloween revelry with the Pack and if his risque outfit helps him discover whether or not Derek is even remotely interested in being more than 'just friends' or indeed simply Pack mates, then Stiles is all in!!

[dollfaceksj]

I genuinely felt everything that y/n said. Even though I'm not a mother, I'm 100% sure all of us felt like that at some point if not all the time.

I never speak about this ever, but I've always struggled with my weight ever since I was a little girl, I wasn't even a tiny baby, I was just over 4 kg which usually isn't considered to be small for a baby. And I've never been thin ever in my life from then, right until now and I can truthfully say that sadly, most of the time (or in my case), your family is usually your biggest bully. Girls generally grow up always having to hear people comment on their weight, and it's sad that we have people body shaming us as literal CHILDREN. No child or person should ever have to experience something like that. And because I've constantly had people pick on my weight and make jokes about it, it became a fear of mine to even have someone comment on their own weight in front of me because I immediately think that they're gonna say something about me and I try my best to never engage in those conversations with them or I try to change the topic because I'm always so afraid. It became so bad that I actually avoid even going to see a doctor for something as common as a cold or flu, because I'm always scared that they're going to tell me something about my weight or that they will weigh me. I don't even like meeting people that I haven't seen in a long time because I'm afraid of what they're going to say. Both my siblings are also extremely skinny so I always questioned myself as a child and I still do. This developed into such a huge fear for me that I associate it with every single thing that goes wrong in my life. This has and will always be the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in life, even if i finally manage to lose weight some day, because it's caused so much of damage to me already that I already know that even if it does stop one day, it's still going to be apart of my story as the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. Especially when you keep everything bottled up inside because I could never find the courage to ever speak up about this. It's so sad when it isn't even something you have control over, if we did every single woman and man on this earth would have ideal bodies and faces and everything that we want. But I've come to realize that no one is ever happy with the way they look, we're all human beings and we all have flaws, we just have to realize that we are all beautiful in our own way and that what other people think of us should never matter.

So I really understood y/n so much when he asked her why she couldn't just speak to him about it instead of hiding, cause I know exactly how she feels, it's not something you can just speak about openly because there's sooo much shame that comes with it even though it shouldn't be that way. It's like you're constantly embarrassed about these things even when it's not our fault.

This update of cal really hits very hard because it's a sensitive topic and you portrayed it so well Clover🥺

I'm so glad I found your account when you first started writing cal. And I'm so glad that we get to interact with you.

I know that i dont know you personally, but i know that you're not only an amazing author but you're an even better person ❤️ Thank you for always trying your best to interact with us, you truly are my favourite.

And if you ever struggle with these feelings as well, just remember that you are so beautiful and sooo loved Clover💜

Ilysm :) ♡

you worded it perfectly! i hope it gets easier as you go on because i agree, it is the most difficult thing i’ve had to live with as well so i 100% know what you’re on about.

i struggled with the same things all my life until i started losing weight. the difference in the way people treat you (and yes, even family!) is nauseating. they’re a lot nicer to me now that i fall into the beauty standard. it’s such a slap to the face and really makes me mourn the me that once was because she didn’t deserve any of that

so when i took on the idea to write yn as a mother, i knew i couldn’t brush over the one thing so many mothers struggle with. i’m not a mom but i’m surrounded by them! and as someone who has lost a lot of weight, these are things i relate to (minus the baby lol)

craving validation, affection and love isn’t wrong, never will be. how you go about it is definitely a debatable topic but i still think people who have never gone through this specific thing will also just never understand. they will never understand how it is just embarrassing to admit that you feel this way sometimes. it’s embarrassing to have to tell others that someone else made fun of your body, it’s embarrassing to have to tell others that the clothes they got you don’t fit, it’s embarrassing to admit that the world puts majority of your worth into how you look.

these things combined with isolation and years of self hatred make you do stupid things, things you regret. i wanted to portray that without painting yn out to be the villain, because wholeheartedly, she’s not. i feel like people who were upset at yn even after seeing the world through her eyes have just never experienced it. not approving of her actions does not mean we can’t understand. learn. have empathy. it’s just another example that people don’t take mental health seriously

society is not easy on people and their appearance, especially women and afab ppl.

so it’s okay if you’re still struggling with it. how can you learn to uplift yourself overnight when the world is still treating bigger people like a disease or less worthy? not deserving of respect?

i hope you continue living life to the fullest and always be happy with yourself, cause if you aren’t, who will be?

love, clover

[imhereforscm]

Hi, i had to go anon for this request. Can you write something for a reader who just accidentally blurted out infront of Tauxolouve that she wants to k*** herself? She said that she wants to take a g** and s**** herself in the head. I am very sorry for requesting something like this. I don't have any friends and the fandom has helped me all this time. But today i just said that. I regret it. Mom was horrified and i need some comfort.

I am sorry please delete this ask. You don't need to write this.

"Fighting for"

Genre: angst/comfort

Warnings: suicidal thoughts

A/N: I wish I could hug you all so tightly, I really do.❤️❤️❤️❤️ Please, stay with us! It looks so difficult right now and so unbearable, but I promise you, it'll get better!! Us in the fandom can be your friends. We can be your family.🌹 I love you so much!❤️

"I want to kill myself! I want to take a gun and shoot myself in the head!" Your screams echoed all around the room. In every tiny hole between the bricks—tiny enough that you couldn't see them with a naked eye—your cry still lingered inside. A tragic and pained imprint of your vocal cords trapped inside.

You heard the click of the door behind you and your blood ran cold. You didn't mean for this to happen. It just... Came out...

Your boyfriend was standing in the doorway, swallowing so thickly that you saw his Adam's apple moving. His face was pale, his eyes filled with hurt and he wasn't sure if he'd ever felt his heart aching this way before.

"Lou..." You uttered with a dry mouth, your tongue growing numb. "I..." You wanted to disappear. The regret was piercing you with poisoned needles and your throat was closing in as you tried to speak further. All the thoughts of you gone from this world bursted out of your chest after being stuck in there for so long. With no one to express them to, you soon learnt to bottle everything up. And now... Now you felt exposed and your hands and legs were shaking. "I didn't mean..." But you stopped there, almost choking on your words as your eyesight blurred with the gathering tears.

Tauxolouve was terrified to hear such a thing coming from you. It immediately sent an image of a world without you in his head and his heart broke. He loved you so much, he was determined to do anything to keep you here and find a way to stick your pieces back together. "Hey..." His voice was gentle as he began to speak, not wanting to upset you further and push you over the edge. "Don't pressure yourself. Take your time and speak when you're ready." He snapped his fingers and a glass of cool water appeared in his hand. "Here."

You slowly walked to him and accepted the glass, which was cold against your hand, contrasting the temperature that had risen in your body. You brought it to your lips, your hand shaking as you did so and drank almost all of it. Your throat was refreshed, but your soul wasn't. You regretted ever opening your mouth. He shouldn't have known... He shouldn't have... He shouldn't, he shouldn't, he shouldn't, he-

"Please, sit with me." He sat down on your bed and gestured with his hand for you to come closer. "I'm not upset. And I'm not going to judge anything you wish to tell me. If you do decide to tell me..."

Silently, you complied, but didn't sit too close to him. You felt ashamed, wishing you didn't have to face him. "I just... I feel like I can't face you right now. Not after what I said. Why can't we just forget about it?"

Tauxolouve sighed, swallowing as he stared down at the floor. "I'm... Worried. You just said something so scary, I can't pretend I never heard. I'm scared of what might happen if I turn my back right now." He gently put a hand on your shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "I care about you so much."

"I know..."

"So... Please, understand that I'm not trying to force it out of you. I just want to do anything to make sure you're safe and fix what's wrong if it's within my power."

For a while, there was nothing but deafening silence filling up the space between you, before you took a deep breath and shifted on your seat, your eyes casted on his lap.

"I feel so lonely." You said, taking deep breaths in the meantime trying to keep together the broken pieces of glass you had for a heart. "I just... I can't do it...!" At this point, you were squeezing your words out, struggling to put your thoughts together. You felt pain. A great amount of pain and you wished relief from it, but you were also trapped all by yourself within a box. You buried your face in your hands and your shoulders jolted once, twice, you began to sob.

Listening to your muffled cries and witnessing your trembling form, Tauxolouve took you into his arms and you practically melted in them. His touch was warm and the caramel scent of his embrace made you feel at home. He was your home and for a second, you could feel oxygen filling up your lungs again, by the hole Tauxolouve had poked into your cold box of solitude.

"Tauxolouve..." You sobbed, gripping his shirt tightly as boiling tears streamed down your cheeks.

"I'm here... You're safe." He said in a soothing tone. "I'll never leave you. I'm going to take care of you and help you through it."

"It hurts so badly...! Everything hurts so badly!"

"I know, I know..." He stroked your hair softly as you let it all out on his shirt, your tears staining it, but he didn't mind. He'd offer you the very stars from his eyes to cry upon. "You're gonna make it and I'm gonna be there with you, every step of the way."

You cried, until your throat felt the same pain your heart did and your tears dried on your cheeks. You had quietened down by now, nuzzling against Tauxolouve as he held you close, not letting you go for a moment.

"Can I tell you something?"

You nodded, your vocal cords too exhausted to create a sound. Not that it'd sound clear anyway. Your throat was so sore.

Tauxolouve caressed your cheek with the knuckles of his fingers and rested his chin upon your head, not staring into your face and making you uncomfortable. Instead, he let you listen to his rhythmical heartbeat as he spoke and his voice created vibrations like a lullaby you'd never heard anywhere else except here. "The future is unpredictable, but one thing that's certain, is that good things will come. So hold on, please. We—me and the other gods—love you so much. You have an entire future before you. You can try new things, pick up new hobbies, see new places. These and many more are things worthy fighting for. It's difficult, I'm not pretending it's easy, but it's so worth it. Please, believe me. Listen... I really think you should consider a professional."

"I don't know about that..."

"They're not going to judge you, that's not their job. They genuinely want to help. So, I'd say you should consider seeing a professional, because these people can guide you safely." Tauxolouve's arms wrapped around you tightly and he held you close, fearing that if he let you go, you'd disappeare and he couldn't bear a thought like that, much less a reality. "I love you so much. I only want the best for you."

Your arms around him tightened just a bit, letting him know without the use of words, that you loved him back.

The road ahead would be uneven and perhaps not too short, but you'd make it. Tauxolouve would always save a spot for you beside him in life. And who knows...? Maybe you'll find a friend along the way. Maybe a therapist could help in that field too. No matter what was going to happen though. One thing was certain. You'd make it. You could. Doubtful thoughts may fill your head now, but those were just baseless rumours in the wind, fading far away into the cold and drowning in the fog.

[crxwnedbarbie]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐘 𝐒𝐇𝐄 cries quickly on cue on scenes, Barbara knew how to swallow the threatening tears, something she managed well throughout the years. She was holding the threatening tears as she talked about one of her fears. ⏤ Once the tsarina found a place to sit, Barbara found some composure, rubbing carefully the corner of her eyes with her gloved fingers, and swallowing the threatening tears. She looked around and noticed they were alone. ❛ It's horrible and heartbreak shouldn't exist. ❜ The Hungarian princess also had other heartbreaks in life, with family too. With family, somehow she learned how to live with it, not affecting her. Romatically? She closed off for good, having struggled to 'trust' in people. She would not chase the Count, it wouldn't make her feel any better. Being heartbroken for a loved one is just disappointing. Barbara was glad that hopefully, this pain would go away because she couldn't bear to feel like this. Not that she let anyone, see this side, except now she is opened up to Amara, and the only one she would share the things. It was a relief to say it to someone and not feel judgy by others, instead of the usual bottle up the sentiments.

❛ He is, and I'm thankful for that. I don't want to make any of us miserable by this union. I'm also willing to make this work, except I'm slow in the process. ❜ That was true, even with the Count, it took her a lot of time to finally know what she felt for him was 'love'. ⏤ ❛ He is oddly both at the same time, patient and unpredictable with me. ❜ It was true, he always treated her so well… But then she remembers him telling her how he threw the French prince on the wall… Barbara would never guess how a 'gentleman' he is would do such a thing, although he explained to her his reasons. ⏤ ❛ And in this hypothetical situation, I would tell him sooner like immediately before developing any 'feels', rather than later. I think the longer keep a secret like this worse the downfall. ❜ She heard rumors of people who chose this path, and how the aftermath, in general, was terrible. Barbara didn't want to put herself in a complicated position. ❛ In a hypothetical situation… If I back to him now… I would hurt my fiance, and I would risk a lot… And how can I be so sure he won't pull me away from him again, after 'risked' everything?! I would have nothing in the end. And twice the pain. ❜ And that's why she didn't trust him. ⏤ She met the other's gaze, with a glint of sadness in grey-bluish hues, for pouring out what she truly is bottled up inside. ❛ And that's all my fault and my stupid fear. ❜ Barbara refers to why the prince might think he is competing with her ex, she doesn't want to make him feel like this if he feels it. When reality it is just her inner struggles. Barbara enjoys what her fiance is providing her and she feels terrible because at the moment she doesn't feel enough for him, despite being unsure how to give back the same kindness. She wanted to make her fiance happy, just like he makes her happy despite not having all the normal energy she normally has to make it happen. With the clarity of somebody else, a person who is a friend and she admires, it makes her relax for a bit. Her pupils dilated a bit when the Amara took her and gloved hand. Surprisingly she isn't used to so much affection, despite being affectionate with people. Barbara was astonished that she understood her completely now when she said what troubles her thoughts.

❛ He's not just a friend. He's little more than that. I'll try to be less harsh on myself. ❜ And not let dark thoughts cloud my mind, but that part goes unsaid. ⏤ ❛ How did you 'overcome' your heartbreak? Don't have to tell me the reason for your broken heart but what did you do to well… Feel a little better about yourself. Was it time? ❜ She didn't want to pry into topics that weren't her business, the tsarina's private life, it's her only. She just wanted to hear, what she did do in her experience to overcome all of it when everything seemed impossible. Holding the other's hand with a coy smile.

❛i don't think you can.❜ while amara has been invited to many premier and other hot spot events ( more so since being crowned empress ), she didn't know most of those celebrities personally to attend. it has never been her thing, but for barbara who's a good friend, it's a different matter entirely, she's sure she'd perhaps only attend such events if they were for the blonde. things are different now certainly, that women could have more freedom to do what they wished as royalty but amara knows much changes after a marriage, more than one expects, and it doesn't have to be all bad, but ones priorities do shift. still, she hopes that barbara isn't ever placed in a position where she must relinquish her successful career - something the other loves so much. regardless of the circumstances, marriage is scary, and amara is as fearful when talks of her own marriage to the tsar was in the works. the tsarina sees that the other is fearful more than she lets on, but its when she sees the liquid pooling in the other's gaze that amara shifts closer to the other, leading them to a place to sit.

she looks around to ensure they are alone before turning her attention the blonde, a hand resting on the other's in comfort. she does understand that while barbara has made her peace with ending things with the count, it didn't mean it hurt any less. in a way the count has done this woman a favor knowing that they would have no future with their respective positions. to an extent, amara knows this because the king of italy is much the same way, his children would never be allowed to marry below their titles. still, her heart goes out for the princess, barely having time to process leaving the man she loves and attempting to form a relationship with a new one. ❛i would agree, its wise of you not to chase the man and makes things even more difficult for yourself. though I can't say I know what its like to be in your exact position, i do know what if feels like to have your heartbreak by a loved one." she's dealt with it with many times over, with her family, and her own husband, for a different reason than barbaras'. ❛I will tell you this, you will not hurt forever, that's my promise to you. no matter how it seems and it feels now, you won't feel this ache forever.❜ that much amara can say with certainty. she nods, ❛you can't, it makes you want to try harder to be as good to someone like your fiance. he sounds like a fine man, and one who wants to make this marriage work between you two. one of these days you will want to open up to him. the fact that he gives you so much time, is telling enough.❜

it was a lot the other was holding back all this time, there really hadn't been any time for barbara to process all the changes all at once. to be the last one to know of your own engagement is a splitting feeling in itself. but amara is so relieved her fiance seems to be a patient man, allowing barbara time to come to terms with this unexpected alliance at her own pace. she is also relieved and equally glad the other shared this with her, that she wouldn't want the other to keep inner turmoil bottled up inside for so long. if she ever needed to unburden herself to someone, amara would be there. ❛unpredictable hmm... odd from the same man who's patient.❜ a brow rises slightly but she nods, ❛he would appreciate that more, to have his fiance be honest with him. these sorts of lies and sneaking around don't bring anything but complications and disasters. so, for your sake alone, i'm glad you didn't place yourself in that position.❜ she believes that one day babara will find her happiness, and that most things worth having were also worth fighting and waiting for. because amara had even her previously strained marriage didn't want to quit because of the sliver of hope she'd clung to that paid off. things had not been ideal or easy, but to now where she's at with iskender...it was worth the trials. she also wished those days to hate the tsar, but in the end she couldn't. ❛yes, its a valid fear, when something is so good you're afraid you will lose it, or that it will never last.❜ a pause as she met the other's gaze, her own hazel orbs softer, ❛its understandable that you'll never hate the count. and I know why you feel you'll not be enough because I also suspect that he perhaps feeling the same way about himself concerning you. while you wrestle to your heartbreak, the prince feels as if he's competition with the man you love even if hes not in the picture anymore.❜ the brunette shakes her head, ❛no, it doesn't make you a bad or ungrateful, just a cautious one, something your fiance understands right now, until you've had a chance to process your breakup. let your fiance be there for you, let him be a friend to you for now, and allow yourself time, because I do believe that the day will come when you know what you want from him. he will earn your trust and you don't be afraid to give him yours. just be patient with yourself, of all.❜ amara squeezes barbie's hand. ❛you've had one heartbreak, and now? things will be better for you.❜

[mikeysbabygirl]

My aunt told me today « Lina, don't trust a man who promises you the world, showers you with flowers, poems, I love you's... most of them are narcissists and liars» bla bla. Oh auntie, I don't want a man who loves me that way...

I constantly day dream about fictional men. I confess.

I want Manjiro to fucking ruin me auntie. Want him to come home to me the night and without a word just pin me to the wall, hand around my throat and fucks his dark impulses on me. I want him to tell me " likes to be fucked like a slut ? Yeah you do... ". I want him to forget his problems by thrusting in me as hard as he can, no matter how loud I cry, then when he's done, laying on top of me with his head nestled in my neck, want him to look at me, tighten his hands around my waist and say " Don't leave. Please, put up with my shit, don't fucking leave... "

I don't want no rich husband auntie, want Shinichiro back from S&S motors, worries about his family and problems poisoning his head. Wanna show him that I see he's not fine and run a warm bath for him, he'd be surprised and so cute to see I won't leave the bathroom but undress as well, join him in the bathtub and ride his dick until I got him screaming my name. " Feels s'fuckin' good... Don't stop, babe, please, you're so good t'me". The afterglow would be magnificent, I'd just hold his head to my chest so he listens how loud my heart beats when he's with me, and massage his scalp or shoulders from the day's worries. We'd just stay there, nestled into each other, whispers of " You're my reason. "

Don't worry, auntie. I don't want him to be always strong. I want Kazutora to come to me whenever his mental health is regressing. He'd be tossing out blame on me, saying things are my fault. We'd argue, and he'd smash his fist against the wall behind me, but I'd startle and he'll freeze when he sees fear flickering in my eyes. No he would never hit a woman, let alone me, and his heart breaks when he tries caressing my cheek but I close my eyes in fear. " Shit, don't do this baby... Don't do it to me, you know I'd rather rip my chest open than to hurt you." Yes, Tora, I understand. We'd just lay in bed, with his head on my tummy and talk it through, his insecurities, his fears, as I play with his hair. And I feel him placing a kiss on my skin. " Sorry... Sorry I'm so hard to love, sorry I don't deserve you... "

Do you know, auntie that I don't want a man to give me flowers. I wanna go home late after a girl's night outside to forget my ex, get scared when I find the door to my house already open, and find him inside, Haruchiyo. He's sitting on my couch, between broken bottles and spilled out pills, my picture frame broken and sitting next to him. Elbows on his legs with his head between his hands, pulling at the roots of his hair and scoffing loudly. "Bitch, you ruined my life... ". I know it's pointless to get angry with him, dangerous, even. I'd just carefully get closer to him and kneel down in front of him, take his face between my hands and explain that he was wrong to break up with me, that he shouldn't let his insecurities get in between us, that he's not useless, or only good to kill. That he's worth it. He'd keep a stoic expression, but I could almost hear his heart thumping, Haru would close his eyes slightly, before murmuring " take me back. I'm begging you, wanna stay... Take me back. Ain't shit without ya "

I want them broken auntie, I want the bad guys, their sad eyes, their white lies, they want to protect me so tell me goodbye, but come back because their demons get too loud without my lullabies.

Tell me, you who read this, are you from this team too ? Are you insane like me ?

[howlingday]

ok how about an Au where jaune (in her 21-24) is a producer and agent of glynda (in her 23-27) who is a singer as you can imagine. How do you think her relationship would go from being just co-workers to living together and I couldn't ask for anything better?

"Miss Goodwitch?" Glynda looked up to the raven-haired man who called her name. "Mr. Arc will see you know."

The young woman stood and made her way through the wooden door. Inside, the walls were strewn with portraits snd photos of different celebrities, no doubt clients of his, and one portrait of himself playing by a campfire. Said man was on the phone, nodding as he spoke.

"Of course." He said, his voice firm, yet kind. "I'll send you a demo by... three? Does three sound good?" Glynda stood silently as he continued. "Okay, two it is. ...Okay, I'll see you then. ...Bye-bye."

He hung up the phone and sighed. "I am very sorry about that. I thought I wojld have been done sooner, but some people just have to get the last word, right?"

"I... I suppose."

"Please, have a seat, Glynda." He gestured to his seat as he clicked on his computer. He then reached forward and turned off the monitor. "So, tell me a bit about yourself."

"My name is Glynda Goodwitch," Glynda swallowed a lump in her throat, "and I am from East Vale."

"How close to Mistral were you?"

"Only a few hours away."

"Does a lot of crime happen there?" Before she could answer, he held up his hand. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't pry like that. Just because something bad happens there once in a while, it doesn't mean it always happens, right?"

"R-Right."

"I listened to your demo, Ms. Goodwitch." He smiled. "I like it. It kind of reminded me of why I started this business. There's a lot of artists out there who only care about money, or fame, or making some political to-do. But your song," he turned on the monitor and clicked his mouse, as her demo played softly, "your song is honest. You really believe these words, don't you?"

"Y-Yes, I do." Glynda's palms were sweating so much, she had to wipe her hands on her slacks to keep them dry. "Um, is there anything else?"

"Just one thing." He stood from his desk and made his way in front of her.

A part of her screamed to leave as he towered over her. She had heard all the scandals, be they from Vale or Mistral. Record dealers like Torchwick and Lil' Miss loved to take advantage of their clients. Sometimes financially, but it was beyond the financial that scared her the most.

"Are you okay?" His blue eyes met hers as he sat on his heels. "You seem nervous."

Glynda stared at him as he kept his hands on knees. She swallow an empty lump and cough a bit. He immediately stood up and rounded the desk, crouching to open a mini-fridge he had under it. He pulled out a bottle of water and returned to her, holding out the plastic bottle.

"Here, take this." She took the bottle, eyeing it. "It's recycled." She looked to him. His face flushed a little. "Uh, th-the bottle, not the water." This got her to puff, before covering her smile. With his own smile, he sat down.

"I'll be blunt on this. Straight forward." He let out a sigh. "Are you nervous?"

"A-A little, yes." The cool water in the bottle calmed her nervousness a little as it chilled her hands. Jaune reached down for his own bottle from the fridge and chugged the entire bottle in one swig. "I-I am starting a new chapter in my life, after all."

"Of course." He nodded. "Is there anything else you're worried about?" Glynda's next song played, one of her favorites to record. Her mind drifted to her family and friends who helped her make it. It seemed to calm her a little. She looked to his eyes, and they seemed... gentle. Kind. Like he was child. She then reminded herself he was younger than her.

"There was one other thing." Glynda gulped, cracking open her bottle. He sat expectantly. "I, uh..." She drank a bit of her water. "I was concerned about coming here... alone, and meeting you... alone..."

"Oh, well, you could have brought your friends, or family." He smiled. "So long as they don't interrupt us."

"No, no, it's..." She sighed. "I'm a grown woman, Mr. Arc. I need to do things on my own."

"I understand," he nodded, "but just remember that you don't have to be alone anymore. Arc-Angel records was founded on the values of independence, but also on teamwork and familiarity. Once you're one of my clients, I'll take care of you like my own daughter."

"Odd, since I'm certain I'm older than you." Glynda chuckled. He laughed in return. When they both calmed down, she decided to be straight with him, as he was with her. "Mr. Arc?"

"You can call me Jaune if you feel more comfortable." He replied.

"Jaune..." She took a deep breath. "I was concerned you would... take advantage of me. Like in those stories I heard." She waved a hand in front of her. "About Torchwick and Lil' Miss Records, I mean."

He sighed. He clicked through his computer, scrolling through. He stopped clicking and turned the monitor to face her. On it were two articles, regarding the scandals she referenced. On the left was the multi-colored rap artist, N.E.O., laying in a hospital bed and covered in bandages. On the right were two girls, both much younger than even Jaune, seated next to a man clearly much older than Glynda. They were the Teen Pop twins of Mala-Chite, and the article blared the title, "Grown Up Gone Wrong," a reference to their debut album, "Grown-Up".

"Torchwick was a monster," Jaune said grimly, shaking his head, "and Lil' Miss is even worse. I went to school with Trivia, long before she became N.E.O., and the fact Lil' Miss did that to her own daughters..." He shook his head with disgust. "They're both a disgrace to the music business."

He turned the monitor away from her. Clicking on the computer again, her next song played. He smiled. "I actually like this one the best." He heaved a sigh and looked at her. "I can't guarantee you'll come out of this industry unharmed," his eyes seemed to mature, steeling over with confidence, "but I can guarantee that I'll do everything I can to help you, and protect you like my own. Like I said, once you're a client at Arc-Angel Records, you're family. And I protect my family."

She couldn't help but smile at that.

---------------------------------------------------

Glynda was dying. Or at least, she wished she was. She had been in the bathroom, sweaty and nervous, standing close to the toilet so she could throw up again. She was sure her stomach was empty, but she was also sure of that an hour ago when she threw up once.

"Um, Ms. Goodwitch?" A voice called out from the door. A girl with fiery-orange hair poked her head into the bathroom. "You good?"

"I'm, uh, nervous." Glynda answered. "That's all."

"Oh." She turned her head. "She says she's nervous, Jaune!

Glynda nearly fell over. She was hoping for a little more tact, but she must have been expecting too much from her boss's personal assistant. She hurried over, heels clacking against the tiles of the bathroom. When she arrived, she swung the door open. On the other side was Mr. Arc, his personal assistant Nora, and his receptionist, Ren.

"Everything okay, Glynda?" Jaune asked.

"I'm fine!" She hissed, clearly not fine. "I'm just... nervous."

"Ah, I gotcha." Jaune nodded. "That's why I prepared these, just in case you needed them."

He lifted his hands, in which were a water bottle, and a package of salted crackers. She looked to the others, who were smiling with their boss. In Nora's hands were a tube of toothpaste and a toothbrush, and in Ren's was a fluffy, blue towel.

"What is all of this?" Glynda asked.

"This is for your stomach." Jaune replied. "It should keep your voice clean and clear, and soak up anything nasty in your stomach. The towel is for in case you made a mess, which you didn't, so that's good, and the toothpaste is for, uh..." He coughed into his cuff. "Any lingering odors from your vomiting." She flushed, covering her mouth. "You're not the person to get nervous, and I make sure that whatever nervousness you feel is gone."

"I'm just," she cleared her throat, "I've never performed in front of such a large crowd."

Nora scoffed, which earned a disapproving glare from her counterpart on the other side of Jaune. She sheepishly winced, then stared at the ground. If this isn't big, then she feared what big was. Her stomach gurgled a bit.

"It's okay." Jaune said. "I know what it's like to be nervous. For my first job interview, I was stuck on the toilet for half an hour." Glynda scoffed and chuckled. "See? Not so nervous now, right?"

"No, I suppose not." She sighed. "But what if I fail?"

"You won't." Jaune immediately answered. "You might make a mistake, or even flub up a line, or two, but you won't fail."

"How can you be so sure?" She asked.

"Because I know a failure when I see one," somehow his eyes seemed to shine there, "and Glynda Goodwitch is no failure."

"I... thank you." Glynda was at a loss for words, so she settled for just two. Nora walked past her with a smile, and Jaune handed the crackers and water to her. "Anyone else would have given up on me."

"Probably." Jaune shrugged his shoulders. "But the most important thing is that you don't give up. The second you call yourself a failure is the second you give up the fight."

"That's... inspiring." Glynda turned the door, but looked back to him. "Where did you hear that from?"

"From an old friend."

---------------------------------------------------

"Glynda, I'd like you to meet my old friend, Weiss Schnee."

Glynda felt like she could die right now. Here she was, a barely rising nobody, speaking face to face with a real superstar like the Weiss Schnee, the Songstress Sorceress of Atlas! She didn't feel like throwing up at least, though that was more her throat closing up than anything. Was this how all people who met Weiss felt?

"And just who are you referring to as old?" Weiss scowled at Jaine. "Just because we're friends doesn't mean I can't kick you out of this party."

"And leave Glynda alone with you?" He chuckled. "That would be cruel!"

Weiss rolled her eyes, then focused on the rising "talent" before her. She was scanned up and down like a masterpiece in a children's art gallery. After a short time that felt like centuries, she received a curt nod for her troubles.

"I heard your latest single while I was working earlier." Weiss said. "I liked it. It gave me a warm feeling for home. Not a lot of songs can do that these days."

"Oh, uh, th-thank you!" Glynda answered.

"Tell me, where are you from?"

"East Vale, ma'am." This earmed a groan from Weiss, and Glynda wanted to die.

"Please don't call me ma'am." She shook her head. "I'm already getting wrinkles from my husband's antics."

"Neptune's at it again, huh?" Jaune chuckled.

"When is he not?" She took a sip, glancing to her husband, a man with stark blue hair, laughing with some of the female guests. Her cheeks puffed a bit with her nose crinkled. With an exhale, she returned her focus to Glynda. "Back to the matter, East Vale. That's quite the journey. You left home to big city Vale, and flew around, before finding yourself here, in Atlas. How do you feel, Glynda?"

"Well," Glynda's gaze drifted down, then returned to Weiss to avoid appearing timid, or worse, rude, "I'm filled with a lot of emotions about everything."

"Oh? Do tell."

"Well, it was exciting at first." Glynda began. "New city. New life. New dangers. Not that I'm saying it's all dangerous, but-"

"I am aware." Weiss held up a hand. "If anyone is more aware of the dangers as an artist, I have yet to meet them. Please, continue."

"Well, after I arrived, Mr. Arc has shown me nothing but kindness." Glynda glanced to Jaune. "Any time I felt uncomfortable, he was there to ease my fears to allow me to perform."

"That is definitely his way of performing." Weiss smiled. "If only I had him as my agent instead of my father."

"Rest his soul." Jaune solemnly nodded.

"Yeah, sure." Weiss waved off. "Now things are much better with my brother, Whitley, handling my affairs, instead of controlling them like my father did." She took a swig of her drink, exhaling with vigor. "But enough about me. How are you feeling now?"

Glynda looked around the room. It was filled with budding talent, all much younger than her. She remembered how she gained ten pounds in the past week with a grimace. With a sigh, she answered. "I feel a bit uncomfortable around so many younger artists around me. It makes me feel a bit old."

"Would it make you feel better if I said you were the prettiest one here?"

The trio locked eyes on a burly man with black hair. He was dressed in a white uniform, indicating his place not only as a member of the Atlas military, but an officer at that. There was a plate over his left brow, likely from an injury he earned from what was assumed to be a training exercise, considering the last real conflict was well over fifty years ago, and this man didn't look much older than Glynda.

"Forgive me," he said, "I don't know why I spoke out of turn like that."

"I can think of a few reasons." Weiss muttered under her breath. "Glynda, Jaune, this is Mr. James Ironwood. He's a... captain of the Atlas military?"

"Colonel." He replied. "Lieutenant Colonel James Ironwood, ma'am."

"Ah, yes, forgive me, colonel." Weiss rolled her eyes.

"It has been a while since we last met." The colonel said. "And you are?"

"Glynda!" Glynda shouted, earming a few stares from other guests. She cleared her throat and respoke. "Glynda Goodwitch, sir."

He chuckled. "I don't need the sir, ma'am."

"Well, I don't need the ma'am." Glynda replied. "I'm not that old yet."

The two shared a laugh. Jaune leaned over to Weiss with a smile. Weiss had taken another drink from a tray.

"Was I this bad?" Jaune asked.

"You were worse, actually." Weiss smiled for the first time all evening. "So much worse."

---------------------------------------------------

Glynda sobbed at the worst day of her life. James, kind as he was at first, had broken up with her so coldly for the sake of his career in Atlas. Ever since the break-up a week ago, she had stayed as much as possible in her apartment, barely leaving for much longer than an hour outside. She'd missed a lot of important meetings, and at the moment, she didn't care. She just wanted to stay alone.

"Glynda?" A muffled voice at the door called, followed by knocking. "Glynda, are you there?"

"Go away." She softly replied from her couch.

"Glynda, it's me, Jaune. Are you okay?"

"Leave me alone."

"Listen, if you're alive, I'm really sorry about getting the police involved."

Glynda lept from her seat and rushed to the door, quickly unlocking it. As it swung open, she was greeted by Jaune, and only Jaune.

"Sorry, I lied." He sheepishly smiled. "Can I come in?"

"Why are you here?" She nearly snarled.

"Would you believe me if I said I was worried about you? Because I am."

Glynda sighed and walk back into her lonely, little home. Jaune followed and shut the door. She layed back on the couch as Jaune stood. Jaune turned on a the light to see better.

"I don't know what to believe." Glynda said. "James was so sweet to me, but he kept pushing off our dates again and again."

"Military guys don't get a lot of time off, from what I hear." Jaune shrugged.

"Yes, and he made that very clear." She sighed. "That's why I cherished every moment I had with him. But..." Tears welled in her eyes. "But then he said that his career is more important, and that I was a distraction."

"Some colonel." Jaune grumbled. "He could have let you down easy. For an officer, he doesn't seem to know a thing about tact."

Glynda huffed a smile from that. She then sniffled as she rubbed her eyes, looking at Jaune. His hand was wrapped and bandaged. She sat up and pointed at it.

"What happened to your hand?"

"Hm?" Jaune lifted his hand. "Oh, this? Just a disagreement, that's all."

"What was the disagreement about?" She asked.

"It's... complicated." He mulled the words carefully before he finished. He then sighed. "I got a visit from another producer the other day. He wanted to buy your contract from me."

"Who was it?"

"Roman Torchwick, of Torchwick Records." Jaune growled the name, venom on his tongue. "He said he'd give you a better life if you worked for him."

"You didn't-"

"Never!" Jaune cut her off. "Not after what he did to Neo. He didn't like my answer either, so he threatened me, warning that if I didn't 'play along,' him and his goons would take you from me."

Glynda felt a chill up her spine, thinking about working for Torchwick. N.E.O. was on the cover of every other tabloid until her hospitalization. Bar brawls, indecent exposures, scandalous sex tapes, and all of it because of Roman Torchwick.

"So, I broke my hand to keep him away from you, and I sent word to the Vale police that I was threatened and acted in self-defense, and that you would also be threatened." He smiled. "And all Roman took was me being able to sign anything for a few months." He shrugged. "But that's what digital signatures are for."

Jaune saved her again. Time and time again, he went out of his way to make her comfortable, and keep her happy. He risked his life for her, and she couldn't help but appreciate that. With a sigh, she stood up.

"Jaune," he looked her in the eyes, "I'm ready to come back!"

"Great, so pack your things!"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, so I asked the police to set up a task force to protect you, but they said they couldn't spare the manpower," he scratched his head, "so, uh, I thought it would be best for you to stay at my house for a while. Until this Torchwick thing is taken care of." He shook his hands. "But only if you want to. I don't want to force you to-"

"Okay."

"Huh?"

"I trust you." Glynda said. "And if being in the same house keeps me safer from Roman Torchwick, then I am more than willing to do it." She smiled. "Arc-Angel Records is my family, and I know my family will protect me."

Jaune smiled at that.

[localcactushugger]

Does anyone else ever get sad thinking about the abuse Hawks went through as a kid? Because I keep making myself sad thinking about it.

It's so many different kinds of fucked up that just mixed together and created one huge toxic environment.

#1) The physical abuse.

Right off the bat, Chapter 299 starts with Keigo getting hit by his father for leaving the house. It doesn't actually show Keigo being smacked, instead it shows a panel of their "home". (although it's extremely small and looks more like a broken down shack in a field to me)

But the sound of the "smak" is very much punctuated in the panel, followed by Keigo hunched over with marks on his face:

The marks on his face are prevalent. Even in the smaller panel, Keigo still has a very obvious bruise under his eye and above his eyebrow.

THEN he gets kicked in the side/stomped on for "turning his back" on his father?? (Aka doing nothing. Literally what did he do?? Wtf?):

He's getting smacked and kicked around, but instead of crying or getting upset he just endures. Which brings me to:

#2) The Emotional and verbal abuse. (Strap in cause there's a lot of it.)

Keigo apologizes after his father kicks him for no reason, then he curls up into a ball, clings to his Endeavor plushy, and listens as his own father rants about how much he wishes that Keigo was never born.

^^^^^^^ LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID ASSHOLE. HE'S LITERALLY CLINGING TO HIS PLUSHY FOR COMFORT!! WHY ISN'T ANYONE HUGGING HIM??? CAN I HUG HIM??

Keigo says that he knew his parents were broken, so he endured because he wanted to avoid their fate.

Basically: "I know my parents are broken, but need to endure because I don't want to become broken too."

That's a horrible mindset for a child to have?? He's basically saying that he just needs to take the abuse and hope that he doesn't break because of it?

And I don't know how he wouldn't break from it with the way his parents talk to him, and all the horrible things they say:

The constant screaming/yelling. Like Shit.

"Don't do a damn thing!" " Who did you sell me out too?? You can't fool me!!" "Don't leave this house!" "Don't you dare lie to me!!" "Don't go talking to anyone!!" "You thought you'd get away with it didn't you??"

"How many times have I told you not to turn your back on me??"

"If only that punk was never born I'd be free."

"Why were you even born?" "Why do you even have those wings?"

He's gotten it from both parents. And every time it happens he just hugs his plushy a little tighter.

#3) The neglect.

In pretty much all panels of Keigo's home theres Trash everywhere. If you go back and look at the house there isn't a single panel without some kind of trash in the frame. I see beer bottles, wine bottles, wooden planks, trash bags, newspapers, dirty rags, dirty laundry hanging from the wall & hangers, floor boards coming up, leaks from the top of the walls.

The "house" is barely holding together as it is. It looks like it's about to collapse, and the inside makes you think a tornado ran through it. Nobody is bothering to clean up the mess. In fact the only person who seems to be patching up the house is Keigo. This seems to be a routine for him since he can be seen picking up a wooden plank to fix the wall. Too bad his father kicked him before he could repair the hole 🙃.

Seriously does the "house" even have running water? The windows are broken the walls are made of tin roofing tiles. Does it even have heating or insulation? It's obviously not suitable for a child. I'd be afraid that the roof was gonna fall on me while I was sleeping.

I understand they can't buy a proper home. But it wouldn't be so bad if someone acutely bothered to clean the inside a bit. At least maintain the house so your kid doesn't step on a nail, or glass from a beer bottle. IF A CHILD CAN PATCH UP A WALL SO CAN YOU. WHY IS KEIGO DOING ALL THE WORK?

You people are gonna get rats and bugs. (If you dont have them invading your "house" already)

And that's only the house.

What about Keigo? He doesn't even have shoes. His shirt is torn at the seams. And his parents didn't even notice when he left? Keigo's dad yelled at him for leaving the house and going outside, but was anyone even watching him in the first place? How does your child leave the house and make it halfway to the city before you notice? This little bird looks like he weighs 5 pounds! He's gonna get kidnapped!!

His mom is obviously unstable and she stares at the wall all day. And his dad hates him for existing. So I guess no one was watching him?

His mom also doesn't really seem to care when Keigo gets yelled at, hit, and kicked either. She just kinda stares at the wall. Then when her and Keigo become homeless and start living in a train station she guilt trips him into stealing for her. Like Really??

HE GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT TOO! You sent your child out to steal for you and he literally got into a car accident. He managed to save everyone involved but still, are trying to get your son hit by a truck? This is why I have so many mixed feelings about Tomie.

#4) Being held hostage in his own home.

This one is self explanatory. Keigo got hit in the face just for going outside. He was held hostage in his home for so long that he didn't even know heroes existed. And this is a society where heroes are everywhere. I'm sure it was a lonely childhood, kinda hard to make childhood friends when you get beaten just for leaving the house.

#5) Whatever the fuck "rough training" was.

I know we haven't seen Keigos "rough" training yet. Horikoshi only went into a little bit of detail about it when he mentioned that the commission taught Hawks negotiation skills as a kid. And then theres that one image in the Season 4 outro where Keigo has a blindfold on as a child during training.

But I still would like to know more.

Why would you put a child through "rough" training, strip him of his name, and tell him it's all because he's gonna become a "special hero" right after you've pulled him out of an extremely abusive situation. Like, you aren't gonna wait a bit? Preferably until he's a teenager? Not gonna give him therapy or something?

Isn't pulling a child out of an abusive situation and putting them through "rough training" kinda like transfering them from one abusive household to another?

LET THE BOY REST! LET THE KID BE A KID. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE CHILDHOOD AND HE'S ALREADY MISSED OUT ON MOST OF HIS!!

The training can wait.

If you want help him and support his family, do it out of the kindness of your heart and not because you think he'd be a useful hero.

I honestly don't know how this "training" went for Keigo, but considering that he doesn't currently have the best relationship with the HPCS . . . Well I don't know. All I know is that he never really seems too happy around people from the commission. He doesn't seem to agree with any of their ideologies either.

Honestly I just want him to find peace!

Based on what we've seen so far, (*cough* especially from the Todoroki family *cough*) you really shouldn't be training a child to become a hero in the first place. The training can start as a teenager if someone chooses to train.

Look at the way you massacred my boy! Give the kid a break for fucks sake!!

And these are just the early years. Don't get me started on everything else ✋🙄

[beetsandskzreads]

silent bright summer night

bang chan x gn!reader, y/n works with skz and became their friend (the ultimate dream haha)

genre: tooth-rotening fluff, slight angst with a happy ending

notes/warnings: nothing intense, this is very fluffy, there's brief mentions of cheating, long distance, y/n's exes, fear of abandonment, slight insecurities, deep talks, reader and chan are slightly wine drunk, y/n and chan are whipped, y/n makes it explicit they want to date someone very warm and caring (aka chan), i don't think that's a warning tho djsjs just saying

scenario: on a balcony, at a beach apartment on a summer night of vacation, y/n opens up to chan about their past and current lovers. what y/n doesn't know is why chan is so interested listening to it.

It was 1:01 am when chan and I found ourselves in the balcony that overlooked the city and it's bright lights on a summer night. Skz had gone to sleep right after all of us came back from a night out of lots of fun, buying stuff on stores by the beach, having ice cream, seeing the view of the city lights reflecting on the sea water, appreciating street artists...

The two of us had been talking the whole evening, we hung out as a group but mostly just spoke to each other and laughed at the members jokes, both of us having a sparkle in our eye every time we saw the group happy. There was this unspoken pleasantness, a bliss, calmness in the air but with a lot of excitement. Chan was so happy to be around the sea with "the kids" as he refers to them and being at the beach almost 24/7 this week, it was like his natural habitat, his home, a comfort place. It left you feeling even softer for him, and as you shared your love for the sea, your feelings were at a peak. You liked Chan, and you loved this place as much as he did.

The night was so great, everyone was out like a lightweight as soon as we arrived to the vacation apartment we're in. Chan and I were testing the theory that a glass of wine would help us get drowsy and help us fall asleep as well, since we both have trouble falling asleep and felt nothing but a remaining excitement from the night out. It came to me especially because of the enthusiasm of talking to him, we were connecting so well, I didn't want this to ever end.

And so we drank (one glass quickly becoming the whole bottle) and we talked for what felt like hours on end, that neither of us wanted to cease.

- My ex best friend, she never quite knew how to choose guys, she always went for the ones that would never turn her way, the ones who obviously wouldn't care about her, not because of her, but because they were really careless guys, walking red flags. - I told him, I couldn't remember where exactly the conversation started but we were talking about nice people picking shitty people to date.

- What about you? - he asked

- Me? I barely even like guys, I mean I do, but I'm really picky actually, I don't allow myself to fall for cold people, I wouldn't forgive myself if I took interest in someone rude, I try so hard to take care of myself so I either stay alone that way or I find someone who makes me feel better, who knows how to take care of me, after all we chase happiness, I think a caring person could do that, someone gentle who isn't scared of emotions or who at least is open to face that fear with me by their side.

- I get it, it's hard to get by if you don't have emotional support, a partner should be able to provide that support, yeah. Did you ever... find someone like that?

- Yeah, in the past I did and even now I do know someone more than ideal... I guess my ex partners when I was young were going through a soft phase tho... I guess everyone has an emotional limit they were scared to cross... once I found that barrier the relationship stoped evolving, reached a dead end and so there was nothing left for me anymore and I left, plus, you know, cheating, long distance, a bunch of stuff really... it wasn't meant to be and I'm okay with that.

- What about that someone right now?

Silence ruled for about 3 seconds before I knew what to say. That someone right now is him. Ever since I've known him feels like he's the only man ever, but I don't think I'd tell him that, not soon anyways.

- What about 'em?

- What's that person like? What makes you trust they're any different from your exes?

- Sometimes I fear they're not, but I set the bar really high and I reset it constantly, to make sure I'm seeing it right, sometimes they seem so perfect to me that I wonder what good have i done in my past life to deserve to be around such a bright person. Of course they make mistakes too, but even the way they deal with them is so... mature, it's so easy to just solve things communicating, it's insane to me. Then I remember it's probably because they're eventually gonna leave me too, or just not reciprocate my feelings and after they break my heart I'll probably loose all hope in love, be heart broken for two years until I decide I'm gonna focus on myself again... it's a cycle after heartbreak, but with this person I'm really scared, because they mean more. I'm way too deep in before I've even expressed my feelings, it's gonna be devastating. - I'm rambling, the wine made me do it.

- What makes you think they wouldn't like you back tho?

- I'm not sure I just... it would be too good to be true and it's complicated... he's amazing and I'm just not sure if he'd be into me, I mean, I think I'm lovable and I think I'd be a great lover, I just don't know if I'm his type or if he'd consider me. We have a bit of an age gap, I'm not someone who's typically pretty or specially good looking, I have my charms but I have no idea if that's enough for him to be in love. It's complicated with each others work too... - I notice chan's gaze on me, he has his head leaned on his hand on the table and he's looking at me with bright eyes, eyes that look tired and a little drunk but somehow, he manages to look at me in a way that makes me feel adored, I don't know why you have to make me feel so much love, Bang Chan - Why are you looking at me like that?

- You have no idea how other people perceive you, do you? - he ignored your question, probably because of his drunk-ish drowsy state - Everyone I know likes you, see, you're a naturally kind and caring person, you're attentive to people's needs, you make sure everyone feels comfortable around you... that's so appreciated by everyone. I think you're exceptional y/n, you have this charismatic way of existing, a refreshing and comfy presence everyone can feel, but to me... it feels like home. You feel like home y/n. So... I have no idea who that person is but I sure as hell know they'd be more than lucky to have you as a partner and they're definitely dumb if they let you go.

- Are you dumb? - my heart's pounding quicker as I'm about to do something I didn't plan on doing ever.

- Huh? No, why w-

- Because that person is you... I like you, Chan. In a more-than-friends way - I interrupt him quickly before I lose my newly found courage.

Chan could've sworn his heart stopped for a few seconds. Suddenly sobriety hit him like a truck. It was the alcohol that made you say that, he thought, but he wished it was true and you didn't drink enough to be lying about this kind of stuff, you had a full on conversation and you seemed pretty sober.

- Y-y/n are you sober? - he tries to navigate through the situation.

- Oh my... yeah I am, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, it just rolled out of my tongue. I'm sorry... - you said as you panicked and tried to go back inside, regret filling up all your organs.

"I messed up" your brain keeps repeating as desperation starts entering your body, until Chan grabbed your hand, stopping you from leaving.

- Wait! You don't need to apologize, I'm glad you told me... You didn't think I'd say all that about you if I didn't like you as well, did you? - he asks suggestively.

- I don't know - you blush as you realize what he's getting at - You're just so nice to everyone, I didn't make a big deal out of it.

- Well, you should've made it a big deal, the biggest deal actually because I've been trying really hard to show you how I feel these past few days and you were so clueless I thought you were purposefully ignoring the signs because you didn't like me back.

- I'm sorry Channie, I just didn't want to assume stuff and get heartbroken if it wasn't true.

-Well it is true, so you don't need to worry anymore. I really like you too, y/n. And I've wanted to say it for a while too, I was just wondering if it was a good idea since you work with us, but I can't contain my feelings anyways... you always treat me so softly and you look after the kids really well... It just feels like you were made to be by my side, you're the embodiment of the person I've always dreamed to be with, and these past few days with the kids and you... it just felt like we were the perfect family you know? I don't think I could be without you by my side anymore... - he stops, he's been staring at your eyes the whole time and now they're starting to water.

How could you not cry when he's saying the things you thought you'd only ever hear in dreams?

- Why are you crying sweetheart? - he whispered, as he wipes a tear with his thumb, the other hand holding your hand as he stands closer every second.

- It's just... I'm so... happy - you smile through your tears - I'm so happy to hear that, you said it in such a beautiful way too... I feel exactly the same, it's like I've gained a family with you guys but you... I've grown really attached to you, feels like some parts of you are tangled in my heart in ways I couldn't tear apart if I wanted to... I'm drawn to you and when I'm with you it's comfortable, blissful, it's right. You're so good to me, it's unbelievable, but it's true, and it warms my heart. - you say as your foreheads touch and your smile grows, his eyes showing so much adoration for you, you could melt.

Suddenly you share your first kiss together, a soft yet passionate mix of sensations, and it felt like everything you ever felt around Chan but better.

You stare into each other's eyes, smiling like the little lovely goofballs you both were, noses touching, ocasional little pecks filled with giggles because you were whipped for each other.

- So this means we're exclusive lovers now, yeah? - he asks with a blushing face, a very silent giggle and a huge, uncontrollable smile.

- Definitely, yeah - you answer biting your lip until eventually you let out the largest smile you ever had.

Needless to say, you didn't leave that balcony to go to sleep that evening. In fact, you two watched the sunrise kissing and cuddling, talking about the feelings you had for each other, when they started, why you liked each other, covered by a blanket, not wanting to let go of each other now that you were openly romantic.

Han found you both sound asleep, you on chan's lap, head on his neck as his arms wrapped around you gently, on a chair in the middle of the morning. He obviously called all the members to watch you two as they assumed you two finally got together. All of them saw it coming, Chan wouldn't shut up about you and had written what could be an entire album about you.

They were happy at least you'd be around more often to cook your delicious food. And you both blushed really hard once you woke up to lot's of teasing from the kids, it was fine tho, you liked it just like this, it was home.

[posts-from-a-scarier-timeline]

So I'm in a coastal town I'm not going to name because I'm terrified but I think something really bad is happening.

Like 5 days ago we all got a series of emergency alerts on our phones from the police, followed by more emergency alerts from the Coast Guard and a few other branches of government. They all said the same thing: whatever we heard, whatever we saw, whatever we felt, DO NOT GO OUTSIDE. Then the TVs stopped working. Everybody was freaking out on the Facebook page for our town because we could only get the local news station and all they were telling us was that we couldn't go outside due to some unspecified emergency. Shortly after, we started experiencing massive earthquakes. I mean, I used to live in California, these are BAD. It's like every half an hour or so for ten minutes the Earth is moving like an ocean. My mom is away on a work conference a few towns over so my big sister and I ended up shoving all our furniture into one room and closing the door so it wasn't a danger to us, because like the cabinets and stuff were falling down.

Four days ago the power got cut completely. Our only communication has been our cell phones, where we can't text anyone or use the internet, but we're still getting alerts. People in armored cars keep driving by and knocking on doors. They're all in uniform but not one we recognize.

My cat got out yesterday and I've had her since I was a baby so I had to go get her. Since the shaking and the armored cars were on a pretty regular schedule I snuck out. I did find her and she's okay, just a little scratched up, which is the good news. But nothing in my town looks the same, it's all messed up. Like first of all, it's really really dark. I literally left at 9 a.m. and it was like walking around in dusk. There was also this thick dust everywhere and it got all over me and I'm all scratched up. A lot of the trees are dead and the leaves are gone which doesn't make sense. Every road I saw past the park has roadblocks.

There's also a bunch of sharp rocks everywhere, like spiky. All over the ground. They're also all wet and sticky. Overall, just gross and painful. The biggest rock was shiny and it had spikes but they were really small spikes everywhere instead of like one or two large spikes, and it was on top of the statue of our town's founder. It looks like a giant round boulder. I think normally I'd be worried about a normal boulder on top of that statue because that statue has had broken parts multiple times and I wouldn't trust it to hold up a boulder anyway but I also got this like, really intense weird feeling that scared me really bad when I came close to it, so I ended up leaving the park and trying to walk faster to my house. And I couldn't stop glancing behind me. Like the boulder was gonna follow me or something. IDK just really paranoid.

When I was speedwalking back to our house with the cat, all the dust in the air was making it really hard to breathe and I was thirsty. I'm not proud of this but the door to my friend's dad's little store was open and there was no one there so I drank a bunch of water bottles and carried a few more back home. I also took some toilet paper and some cologne and shaving cream because we don't have running water at home and I think me and my sister are both starting to stink.

I was totally going to pay my friend's dad back later but I ended up getting caught by this guy in uniform who yelled at me for being out. And I tried to explain, because, hello, my cat, but he just kept lecturing me. Then some lady in the same uniform came in and was asking if there was a problem. When she saw me she started swearing and then told the guy we had to report me to the superiors, and then they started arguing in another language. I was really tired at that point so I tried to sneak out but I started feeling really sluggish and weird. The guy caught up to me like 8 blocks later without his girlfriend or whatever and insisted on giving me a ride to my house, which was good because my house was like 20 blocks away. I threw up in his armored car and then I fell asleep for a couple minutes.

He ended up helping me up the steps and we got me and the cat inside but then I had to lay down on the couch. I've been really sick ever since I got home and so has my cat. We keep getting all hot and swollen and red and throwing up yellow powdery stuff. I haven't left the couch since last night.

The guy who brought me home is making me call him his badge number and is insisting on staying with us "until everything gets cleared up." He says we shouldn't have to stay alone because we're just kids. (Which is stupid because we're 15 and 17. We've been managing.) But he has been entertaining us by telling us stories and stuff, and he's been giving me off-brand Benadryl, so at least there's that.

I'm just really scared, honestly. He says it's gonna be a while before anyone can go in or out of the town or out of our houses. And he's been using his radio to communicate with people out of town but he can't get ahold of our mom, or any of our family. And no one outside of town knows what's happening because of a "media blackout." He says the uniforms are the good guys, that's why he's staying with us so I can heal up.

I hate not knowing exactly what's going on. And I hate being sick! I just feel so scared and alone and I keep hearing helicopters. I wish he'd tell us how long a while is...

lately you've been putting more effort into my blog than I have and it's been great stuff every time. Everyone thank @judefranknoir right now for pretty much co-running this blog at this point lol 👏👏👏

[vemuabhi]

Hi bub! I'm dropping by oh my why am I suddenly getting shy oof-

N e wayz, today hasn't been all that great. I was just wondering how Sanji would react to his S/O isolating herself from others when she has frustration+annoyance+anger piling up inside her and she isolates herself and goes silent because she doesn't want to accidentally blow up on someone and hurt them. But she keeps on bottling her emotions and shakes of the anger and she's hesitant in talking to others in fear of saying something hurtful.

I'm not easily angered but when I get angry, it's very difficult to calm down🥺😟

Heyo @softiebadbitch chwan!!! I'm done with your emergency request and I hope you like it. I hope you are feeling okay now. I wish I could bring atleast a small smile on your face when you are donw reading it.

Pairing : Sanji X Reader

Word count : 784

Warnings : Frustrated Reader who is bottling up all emotions. But will Receive comfort from Sanji.

copyright © vemuabhi

Please support me if you like my writings.

You closed the door behind you as you walked into the room. You sat on your chair as you placed your elbows the desk before you. Today had been one of those shitty days where you just are so pissed. Holding emotions in yourself for so long had always been the case for you.

Always you tries to brush off your emotions you were feeling at that moment by faking a smile and trying to be cheerful. But deep down... you were hurt. Sometimes the bottled up emotions would burst and you would try to isolate yourself. From friends, family and it worked well. At least you thought so. You used to think over every single thing which made your heart weigh down. Every time you smiled just trying to stay positive, every moment you suppressed your emotions and voices. Everything haunted you.

You were fine with isolating yourself. No one really noticed these incidents you had but now it isn't that easy. Now you had a blond cook who always swooned over you and kept a close eye on you. As soon as he noticed that its been quiet a while since he saw your form, he came to your room and knocked at your door.

"Y/N are you in there? Can you open the door please?", he asked expecting you to cheerfully open the door. But the reality was different.

"Sanji... can you please go away if its not important. I am not in the mood to talk", he was surprised by this. He knew it'd be the right option to follow your request and not bother you. But his gut feeling told him to not leave you. You never talked like this. especially with him. He always felt that you had a sweet spot for him. If you were not feeling well or were upset about something, he shouldn't neglect it.

"Y/N, what happened? Are you alright?", he enquired as his fist clenched with worry.

"Sanji I'm fine. Just... leave me alone for a while. I'll come back. Its always like this", you replied as you held your head between your hands.

'Always like this?', he didn't understand. "Y/N, Can you please tell me, I'm worried", Sanji admitted.

"You wont understand it anyway"

"If you don't tell me how you are feeling, I'd not know it. But please tell me. I'll understand", he placed a hand on your door.

"I am very frustrated. I might say something hurtful to you"

"You wont. Just let me listen to you. Tell me whats bothering you, please", he pleaded as he leaned his forehead on the door.

His reply made you want to hope... that maybe at least one person could listen to you... You headed towards the door and opened the door and there stood Sanji with worry in his eyes.

You took a step back to let him enter the room. He grabbed your wrist and placed his other hand under your chin and tilted your head up, for you to look at him.

"Now tell me. Tell me everything that is bothering you", he asked and you bit your lower lip trying not to cry but still your tears slipped out from the corners of your eyes. He soothed your tears as you kept telling him how you felt. The frustration, the anger and how you felt annoyed at yourself because of all these feelings. He understood how you were bottling up your emotions and how it was effecting you. He rubbed circles on your back as you hugged him tight. He didnt like how you were crying like this. He hated to see you like this, He wasnt happy.

After a while your sobs turned into sniffs and he thought it was the time. "Y/N", he called making you to look at him. He wasnt smiling. He was also having those sad eyes as yours. He placed a hand on your cheek and said, "You arent alone. You have me now. And... Lets make sure you dont bottle up your emotions like this. I hate to see you cry my dear".

You leaned into his touch as he said it. He was so sweet and the way he supported you made you feel so happy. You leaned into his touch and said, "Thankyou. It would be really nice". He kissed your forehead and smiled. Maybe at last you found someone finally who would look at you and would notice you.

His free hand laced with yours and he pulled your hand up towards his lips to place a soft kiss on your knuckles. He understood that he finally found the princess he was searching for.

I hope you liked it. Thanks for reading!

Reblog, Comment your feelings. Honestly your words make me motivated so, please do tell me!

[iammtheluckyone]

andreil/aftg quotes as taylor swift lyrics:

"You are a mess," Andrew said against Neil's lips. "What else is new?"

i'm a mess but i'm the mess that you wanted - dancing with our hands tied

"He didn't want to think about this,didn't want to feel this,so he thought about the Foxes instead. He clung tight to the memory of their unhesitating friendship and their smiles "

and when i got into the accident,the sight that flashed before me was your face - coney island

"Nathaniel,it has been so long."

Neil's fear was hot and thick in his chest. He could barely breathe around it. He prayed his expression didn't give him away even as he knew it was too late. "My name is Neil."

it's been a long time and seeing the shape of your name still spells out pain - closure

Andrew pointed at his mouth as he spoke. "The next time someone comes for you,stand down and let me deal with it. Do you understand?"

"If it means losing you,then no,"

Neil said.

and i hope i never lose you,hope it never ends - cornelia street

He traced Andrew's key into his skin with a bandaged finger.

"Neil Abram Josten," Neil murmured,and it felt like waking up from a bad dream.

long story short it was a bad time,long story short i survived - long story short

"Andrew, they want to take me away from here. They want to enroll me in the Witness Protection Program so my father's people can't find me. I don't want—" he started, but that wasn't fair. "If you tell me to leave, I'll go." He didn't say it would kill him, but he didn't have to.

how's one to know,i'd live and die for moments that we stole on begged and borrowed time,so tell me to run,or dare to sit and watch what we'll become - ivy

Neil asked, "What would it take?"

Andrew didn't have to think about it. "Show me your scars."

wait for the signal and i'll meet you after dark,show me the places where the others gave you scars - willow

Andrew was waiting for him on the rooftop,usually with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle at his knee. The nights were still cool enough to warrant jackets but Andrew's body heat burned most of the chill away.

is this the end of all the endings?my broken bones are mending with all these nights we're spending,up on the roof with a school girl crush,drinking beer out of plastic cups - king of my heart

He'd hit the end of his rope before he wanted to and he hadn't accomplished everything he'd hoped to this year, but he'd done more with his life than he'd ever thought possible. That had to be enough. He traced the outline of a key into his bloody, burnt palm with a shaky finger, closed his eyes, and wished Neil Josten goodbye.

back when we were still changing for the better wanting was enough for me it was enough to live for the hope of it all -august

"I'm asking you to help us," Neil said. "Will you?" Andrew considered it a moment. "Not for free." "Anything," Neil promised.

and you know damn well for you i would ruin myself a million little times. - illicit affairs

It took Neil three tries to find his voice. "You never said anything." "Why should I have?" Andrew lifted one shoulder in a shrug. "Nothing will come of it." "Nothing," Neil echoed. "I am self-destructive, not stupid," Andrew said. "I know better."

and then it fades into the gray of my day-old tea cause it could never be - gold rush

"You are a pipe dream," Andrew said. "Go inside and leave me alone."

i can't dare to dream about you anymore - gold rush

"What are you afraid of?"

"Heights."

i don't like that falling feels like flying till the bone crush - gold rush

"I'm fine," Neil said. "For the record, I don't believe you," Matt said. Neil lifted one shoulder in a tired shrug. "You probably shouldn't believe anything I say."

said i'm fine but it wasn't true,i don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you - cruel summer

Better than that bright future was what he already had: a court that would always be home, a family who'd never give up on him, and Andrew, who for once hadn't wasted their time denying that this thing between them might actually mean something to both of them. Neil hadn't even noticed the silence at first, too distracted by his dizzying thoughts. Now he couldn't help but smile and pull Andrew in. This was everything he wanted, everything he needed, and Neil was never letting go.

long story short i survived,now i'm all about you. - long story short <3

[the-broken-truth]

The Strings That Bind Us ~ The Lords' Dinner

Summary: The Day of the Lord Dinner has arrived: The Meals are prepared, the table is set, the guests are arriving, but are the hosts ready? Can Donna handle the stress of housing her family for this dinner? Will all of Vulcan's hard work be in vain? More importantly - What is Vulcan's Truth?

Pairing: Donna Beneviento x Vulcan

[House Beneviento - Dining Room]

The last crystal wine glass was placed in Miranda's place at the table by the hand of the dollmaker. Donna stood at her full height as she gazed upon the set table: 4 plate mats, 4 crystal wine glasses, 4 sets of utensils sat on the long edges of the table - 2 of each on either side. 2 more of the same set up sat on the short edges of the table - one across from the other. Donna looked at the written-down diagram Vulcan gave her - the seating chart to make sure there were going to be no issues.

Donna and Mother Miranda would be across from each other at the lone plates.

Alcina would sit next to Moreau and be across from Vulcan, who would be sitting next to Heisenberg and Donna.

Broken Truth: In Clockwork Order: Donna, Vulcan, Heisenberg, Mother Miranda, Moreau, Alcina, then back to Donna. Get it? Got it? Good.

After looking at the paper then back at the table, Donna let out an exhale; she was not looking forward to this.

"Calm down, Mother; Papa will make sure this dinner is going to be perfect." Angie said as she floated up to Donna's height. The dollmaker smiled at the nickname Angie gave Vulcan.

"I know he will, it's just...I'm not looking forward to dealing with them; especially Alcina, who had the nerve of laying her hands on my partner." Donna exhaled as she took a seat in her chair.

"That understandable but you know Papa knows how to deal with her and say no. He wouldn't leave us, Mother." Angie said as she walked over to Donna's side.

"I know he wouldn't - as I've said before, I trust him; I don't trust Alcina or Heisenberg around him. I mean - he goes to take their orders & Alcina sinks her teeth into him while Heisenberg sends his creatures against him. I'm even skeptical of Mother Miranda - I've seen the way she's started at him before and I don't like it." Donna said as she rubbed her forehead, careful not to touch the Cadou Scar - it still bothered her; while Vulcan accepted her, she wished she could be more for him.

"Don't worry, Mother. They won't try anything against Papa; it's against Lord Dinner Rules." Angie said.

"Thanks for reminding me. Speaking of Vulcan, where is he? The others will be arriving soon." Donna asked as she looked at her doll.

"Papa said he had to pick a few things up from the Duke." Angie answered.

Donna opened her mouth to speak when the sound of heavy knocking upon the front door filled her ears.

"Let's hope he gets back soon, the show is about to begin." Donna said as she rose from her chair to answer the door. Opening it, she came face to face with her first guest.

"Well, good afternoon, Little Sister." Smiled the Mistress of Castle Dimitrescu.

"Alcina, I see you're the first one here. Please, come in." Donna said as she made way for the tall woman to come in. It made Donna chuckle as she watched Alcina try to get her tall figure into her door.

[Meanwhile - In The Village]

"A Bottle of Romanian Red for 5000 - A Bottle of White for 3000 - A Bottle of Southern Whiskey for 1500 - And one bottle of Grape Wine for 2000. Your total will be 11,500 Lei." The Duke said as he placed all the wines in boxes individually before placing all the boxes in a paper bag. Vulcan stood before him - his House Beneviento Suit was repaired and crisp, his hair was gelled back and brushed back. The Duke watched as the House Servant counted out the respected amount of money and placed it in a separate pouch.

"Here you go." Vulcan said as he handed the pouch to the large man - who smiled and handed the bag of drinks to Vulcan.

"It was a pleasure doing business with you, Lord Vulcan." Vulcan exhaled at the notion.

"Duke, for the last time - I'm not a Lord, even if I'm courting a Lady of a Noble House." Vulcan said but that was met with a chuckle and a shake of the Duke's head.

"That is where you are wrong, My Boy." The Duke said.

"What are you talking about?" Vulcan said.

"For as long as you have lived, you lacked one thing - A Surname." The Duke explained.

"Just how do you know that?" Vulcan asked.

"I've been around of a very long time, my boy; over hundreds of years to be exact. I know things that others would see as superstition. As for what I'm talking about - do you remember anything about the family who ruled the house at the belly of the wild woods?" The Duke asked with a smile.

"The Bloodthorn Family?" Vulcan asked. "What about them?"

"That house was been vacant since the last master died of...unknown circumstances, yet the house remains locked; many have tried to enter but the house remains locked - only opening with the right key." The Duke said.

"What does the Bloodthorn's House have to do with me?" Vulcan asked as he secured the bag of drinks in his arms.

"Let's just say - your right arm might be more than just a vessel." The Duke said with a smile. The two of them exchanged goodbyes before Vulcan turned on his heel and walked away.

'My right arm might be more than a vessel?' Vulcan wondered as he looked at his right arm.

[Back at the Beneviento House]

All the guests had arrived - Alcina arrives first, followed by Heisenberg, behind him, Mother Miranda arrived and Moreau followed like a lost dog. Donna greeted them all and gave everyone their assigned seats - with the seat between Donna and Heisenberg remaining empty.

"Where is Vulcan, Donna?" Mother Miranda asked from her seat across from Donna.

"He went to see the Duke for something - he will return in a moment." Donna said.

"Hmph." That was all Miranda gave in response.

"Quite a shame, I was hoping for a little sweet talk before the meal started." Alcina said with a smile.

"You will not be getting it here, Alcina. Keep your distance from Vulcan." Donna gave a warning as she glared at her larger sister's figure.

"Why so angry, Donna? You look like a mad kitten." Alcina chuckled.

"This 'kitten' has claws and will not hesitate to use them if you don't keep your distance from that which is not yours." Donna said.

"Ah - I see. Vulcan told you about our little moment in Castle Dimitrescu." Alcina chuckled.

"There was no moment." A familiar voice called out - everyone turned to see Vulcan standing in the dining room threshold with a paper bag in his hands. He gave a bow to the table of lords. "Please forgive me for not being here to welcome you all - I had to make an important purchase. I shall collect the meals and prepare your drinks." Vulcan rose to his full height and walked past the table of lords and disappeared into the kitchen.

"At least he knows how to make a decent apology." Miranda said.

"Vulcan is truly well behaved, Mother Miranda," Alcina said as she looked at the village leader. "I think he is too well behaved for Donna." Alcina said.

"Stop, Alcina." Miranda said. "The male is that of House Beneviento, leave the mortal alone to serve his mistress." Miranda said.

"That male is no mortal, Mother Miranda. His blood told me that." Alcina said this made Miranda raise her eyebrow.

"What do you mean he is not mortal?" Miranda asked.

"No mortal has blood as...divine as his - not even the maidens I use to craft Sanguis Virginis. He is more than a mortal and he shouldn't be wasted on Donna; give him to me and I shall use him to create a powerful bloodline unlike any other." Alcina proposed.

"Now, hold the hell on." Karl interrupted. "If anyone else gets him, it's me - that bastard is too good of a fighter for me to let you turn him into a breeding machine." Karl said.

"Neither of you is getting my Papa, so stop thinking that!" Angie yelled at them, making are look at the living doll.

"Your...Papa?" Miranda started as she turned her gaze from Angie and looked into the eye of Donna. "Is there something that you want to tell me, Donna?" Miranda said.

"No...Not at the moment. I'll inform all of you later." Donna said as she closed her eye - trying to calm down from the shaking feeling from inside her chest.

Before anyone could speak again - the kitchen door was opened by a serving cart carrying 6 meals covered by a silver shield on its surface on the top and 5 different bottles of drink on the bottle - the cart being pushed by the servant of House Beneviento.

"Meals shall be presented." Vulcan stated as he lifted the first two platters by their bottoms and walked over to Donna and Miranda but didn't remove the covers - he then did the same with Alcina and Heisenberg before finishing with Salvatore's then his own. He went back to the cart and retrieved the drinks, filling each lords' glass with the drink of their choice; he then returned the bottles to the cart once all the drinks were poured. He took his place beside Donna and looked at the silver covers that concealed the meals before he raised his right and snapped.

Instantly - all of the silver coverings disappeared and the lords stared in awe at the food before them.

"How did you make the covers disappear?" Miranda asked.

"I'll explain later, Lady Miranda; for now, let us dine on food and beverages." Vulcan said before he took his seat.

Miranda looked upon the lasagna before her - it looked perfect and smelled divine but would it be good? She lifted her fork, cutting through a corner of the pasta, and lifted it to her lips, taking the first bite of the dinner. There was a widening of her eyes but she was quick to revert them back - the slowness of her chewing made it clear that she was savoring the taste of the food. The other lords followed suit and all their reactions were the same - it was clear they loved the food.

"This is perfect. You really outdid yourself with the sauce this time, Vulcan." Donna said as she lifted the spaghetti noodles to her lips, slurping them between her lips before chewing with a smile. "What did you use this time?" She asked.

"I use a little bit more garlic this time but I wasn't sure if I altered the recipe too much." Vulcan said as he took a bite out of his garlic bread.

"Recipe? You made the sauce yourself?" Alcina asked with a raised eyebrow and a smirk hiding behind her wine glass.

"I made everything myself, including the noodles. I happened the purchase a machine that shaped the noodles to my liking and continued from them." Vulcan said.

"Well, this blood steak is perfect; quite a shame you didn't use your blood in the sauce, it would have been heavenly." Alcina purred as she took another bite of her steak.

"My blood is off limits unless Donna asks for it." Vulcan said.

"Donna? You mean 'Lady Beneviento'. You are not allowed to use your mistress's first name as if you are equals when you are not." Miranda said with a glare.

"We are equals, Mother." Donna spoke up.

"Donna, dear. He is not the same as you - you are of noble blood while he is common cloth." Miranda said as she looked at her daughter.

"That doesn't matter to me. Vulcan has done so much for me and...I would never consider my partner beneath me."

Cue complete and utter silence.

*Crickets Chirping In The Background*

"Donna..." Miranda said in a low voice "What do you mean 'Your Partner'?" Miranda asked in a snarl.

"Mother, Vulcan and I are...in a relationship, we began courting the same night you announced we would hosting the Lord Dinner here; he asked me to trust him with getting everyone's orders the next day." Donna said as she looked down at her food. Everything was quiet before Alcina's chuckling caused everyone to look in her direction.

"Her? Surely you jest, Vulcan." She looked into his eyes "I could give you more than her - you could live like a king in Castle Dimitrescu and have everything."

"For what? I told you before that I have everything I could ever want and need with Donna and Angie; I traveled to become worthy for them and no one else." Vulcan said.

"I told you, you would never be worthy of her!" Miranda said as she glared at Vulcan. "You are dirt, filth, mud under my daughter's shoes and you have the nerve to try to court her?! I should feed you to Heisenberg's Lycans!"

"M-Mother, Donna is happy with him... Isn't that enough for you to leave them be?" Salvatore asked as he looked at her.

"Shut up, Freak! No one is talking to you!" Heisenberg yelled, making the 3rd Lord shiver and duck.

"I told you to stop disrespecting your brother like that, Karl Heisenberg!" Vulcan growled at Karl.

"That freak is not my brother! I have nothing to do with him and I never will!" Karl said.

"You have the nerve to say that and you use his Lycans as you see fit?!" Vulcan yelled.

"His Lycans? They are mine." Karl said.

"Lies - You know it just like I do: Lord Moreau was the one who created the Lycans and you bullied him into making you more." Vulcan glared at the 4th Lord.

"You...You know?" Salvatore asked with a quivering lip.

"On my way out of your domain, I noticed a few things: doctor's supplies and a journal. It was wrong of me, I know, but my heart couldn't just let me walk away. I know you made the Lycans using the Cadou and Wolf's Blood to please Madame Miranda and I always know that Heisenberg has been bulling you to make new kinds of Lycan - like the Valcolac and Urias." Vulcan said as he began to rise to his feet. "Lord Moreau, you do so much to make Madame Miranda and the family you know happy but no one really gives you the respect you deserve...so I am going to return to you what the Cadou took from you."

Everyone looked wide-eyed at his words but Moreau was the most confused.

"What do you mean?" The small man asked.

"Come with me outside and I shall show you." Vulcan said as he began to remove his house jacket, revealing the dress shirt he hand underneath. Vulcan placed the jacket on the back of his chair before making his way around the table, to the first door - he could sense Moreau following him. The two of them made it outside, down the stairs, and stood in the front yard - the other lords rushed out the house to see what Vulcan was doing.

Vulcan lifted his right hand, using his left hand to lift his sleeve to reveal his forearm - Miranda's eyes widened as she saw that familiar red glow shine through Vulcan's skin as runes and markings riddled all along his forearm.

'Those markings - He can't be...'

"Lord Moreau, I need you to close your eyes: I want you to remember what you looked like before the Cadou changed you. Remember who you were before all of this happened. Remember the brilliant doctor you once were." Vulcan's word echoed in Salvatore's mind as he seemed to have fallen in a trance - remembering who he once was before he became a lord.

Before he made the Lycans.

Before he got the Cadou.

Before he met Mother Miranda.

Once the image was in his mind - he felt a hand grasp his face followed by a horrible pain that ripped him to pieces. Moreau couldn't see anything - he was standing in an endless void of darkness, but he could hear thing echoing in the darkness:

Donna's screams.

Miranda demanding to know what he did to Moreau.

Heisenberg's incoherent muttering.

Then, he heard Vulcan: "Remember who you once was and come forward - walk to my voice."

Moreau did just that - he began walking forward and things began becoming clear: he saw fragments of his life before all this happened - he saw the patients he helped, the happiness on their faces, and how it made him happy - he remembered how much he loved his work and the feeling it gave him to see a project through - he remembered standing before the bedroom vanity of the house he built his own hands. That all come together into a bright light before him - and he entered it with a sense of...completeness.

Then he opened his eyes.

The first thing he saw was the smile on Vulcan's face - there were a few spicks of blood upon it but...he noticed he was standing perfectly fine - his face leveled with Vulcan's if not a little bit more. He looked over Vulcan's shoulder to look at his family - they all looked as if they saw ghosts.

"What...Why are you all looking at me like that?" His voice was different - it wasn't gurgling as before, he spoke perfectly clear and his voice was deeper than Karl's. "What's wrong with my voice?" He asked as his hands reached up to touch his throat - his human throat.

He looked down at his hands - human hands of pale skin but not too pale. He looked at Vulcan who gestured him to follow - he did with no argument. The two of them went back into the house and Vulcan pointed to the first mirror he saw, the 3rd Lord walked over to it and gasped.

He was human. Completely human!

His hand touched his face before reaching up and running through his long grey hair, he had a beard with grey eyes. He was fit but had a bit of a belly and was still wrapped in the black tarp he used to conceal him but it looked more like a cloak now upon his human body.

"I'm human... I'm normal." He said before turning to Vulcan. "What did you do?" He asked.

"I returned what you lost. I felt how bad you felt about your looks, that why you were so willing to do what you had to do to earn the love of the people you knew as your family and the woman you knew as your mother. I gave that back and you didn't lose anything. You still have your Cadou but it's more like an extra organ now - you have your abilities; that's why you have closed gills on the side of your neck." Vulcan pointed them - 2 sealed gills on either side of Salvatore's neck. "They'll open when you go into the water so you can break."

Salvatore turned back to look at the mirror while Vulcan turned the look at Karl with a smirk.

"Can't call him a freak anymore, can you, Karl Heisenberg?" Vulcan smirked.

"Why you..." Karl growled.

"That's enough." Miranda said as everyone looked at her.

"But, Mother Miranda..."Alcina began before Miranda silenced her.

"I said enough, Alcina. We will speak of this on a later day but now, we will finish the Lord Dinner and...reflect on this day's revelations." She finished as she walked back to the table.

Everyone followed her hand the dinner continued in silence, as did dessert. Once everyone was gone, Donna walked up to Vulcan who was clearing the table before surprising him with a kiss.

"Thank you for what you did for Salvatore...I've never seen him so happy before." Donna said as she placed her hand on Vulcan's chest.

"I'm happy I could help him." Vulcan noticed a familiar glare in Donna's eyes. "Is there something you want to ask me?" He smiled.

"I..." She wasn't sure what to say. "I was wondering...is it possible..."

"You want me to return what you lost when you got your Cadou, don't you?" Vulcan finished.

"I...yes." She looked at Vulcan's eyes full of hope. "Can you?"

"For you..." He placed his hands on her shoulder. "I would do anything." He placed his lips on the Cadou scar and a golden glow filled the room, engulfing them both in a warm embrace.

[Meanwhile]

Miranda sat alone in the darkness of her domain in her chair as she looked out her window that overlooked the whole village, a glass of wine in her hand.

"I thought they were all gone..." Her lips curved into a smirk. "This could be my chance." She rose and walked over to the window, looking down at the village - mainly, House Beneviento.

"Eva shall return to me and you will be the one to do it, Vulcan Bloodthorn."

[tinyboxxtink]

"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 8*

Chapter 7

Chapter 9

I know, I wait almost 4 days and now you gotta go through this bullshit. I can already hear your cries of anguish and suffering.

I love it so much. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

That being said I promise regular chapters for the rest of the week! Okay I don't promise but I promise to do my best.

Note: Alright it's a fanfic people, alternate universes and all that. So you know what we're saying that all the Carisi sisters are younger, and Sonny was the big bro. Kay? I can't deal with all the continuity stuff.

Tag List

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@wanniiieeee

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@gibbs274

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@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

@thatesqcrush

@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

------------------------

Sonny was watching TV with Amanda when his phone went off. He paused the movie and answered the phone:

“Barba it’s kinda late--”

“What's wrong with your cousin?” he flatly said.

“Excuse me?” Sonny asked. “What kind of question is that?”

“Just answer the question, Carisi,” Barba insisted.

“Well it's a loaded question, Barba.” Sonny replied.

“Okay then just answer me this,” Barba sighed. “Why did I come back to my apartment to find her halfway through my once full bottle of vodka and pouting on the couch. Oh, after she had gone through all of my things of course,”

“Aw shit,” Sonny muttered under his breath. “That's kind of on me, Barba,”

“One second babe,” He muttered to Amanda, while he got up and went into his kitchen.

“Babe?” Barba asked.

“It’s just Rollins,” Sonny dismissed it.

“So you have feelings for me, but you’re fucking Rollins?” He asked in a snarky tone.

“What, are you jealous or somethin’ Barba?” Sonny smirked.

“No, don’t be stupid,” Rafael rolled his eyes. “Why is it on you?” He changed the subject.

“I should have never filled her head with doubts and suspicions and then sent her back to your place; when I should have known that you would keep a full bar in your apartment,” Sonny sighed as he ran his hands through his hair.

“Well of course I would keep a stocked bar in my apartment Sonny, I entertain people and I'm a grown man,” Rafael scoffed.

“Yeah, again it's on me,” Sonny repeated.

“Okay so what is wrong with your cousin?” Rafael asked.

“I think that pretty much answers it, don't you think?” Sonny asked in a “duh” tone.

“... I see,” Rafael glanced at his bedroom door wearily.

“Where is she now? Did you send her away? Please tell me you didn't send her away,” Sonny begged.

“No I didn't send her away, she's sleeping it off in my bedroom,” He got up and walked to his bedroom door. “I didn't want to just kick her out because she was upset. I'm not that big of a dick,” He whispered as he watched you sleep. You looked so calm and peaceful, that’s the girl he remembered.

“ You know, this should probably be better explained in person,” Sonny walked back into his living room where Amanda glanced over at him. He motioned for her to get her stuff together.

“Can I come over?”

“Yeah okay, not like I have anything else to do,'' he rolled his eyes as he shut his bedroom door and walked back to his living room.

--------------.

Sonny showed up to Rafael's apartment with a loaded head and a semi heavy conscience. He knocked on the door and Rafael let him inside.

“Okay so what kind of long story is this,” Rafael asked while he poured himself a glass of scotch. He noticed Sonny giving him a weird look.

“What? It's not like she's in here now,” he rolled his eyes.

“True,” He nodded. “Do you have beer?”

“Yes, dark or light?” Rafael made a disgusted face while he asked. He couldn't stand the taste of beer but he always had it on him just in case he had barbarians over such as Sonny.

“Shiner Bock, if you have it,” Sonny requested. Rafael nodded as he went into his ‘party fridge’ and handed him one before sitting on the couch across from him.

“Alright so where do I start?” Sonny thought out loud.

“Well I guess first of all I wanted to say I don’t wanna say I told you so, but this is exactly why I didn't want you and Y/N to get involved in the first place. It had nothing to do with my feelings for you. It’s because I know that you tend to keep relationships with guys and girls chill and casual, but Y/N is a special case and special to me,”

“Yeah.. I wish you had expressed that before,” Rafael groaned.

Well what was I supposed to say in front of her, Barba? ‘Oh hey by the way, you probably shouldn't get involved with my trainwreck of a cousin? Sonny asked defensively.

“Maybe? I don’t know…” Rafael sighed as he put his head in his hands.

“Look, Rafael,” Sonny put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not like she’s some kinda degenerate junkie,”

“Oh well, that’s great--” He started to roll his eyes.

“I’m serious Rafael!” He pounded the table.

“Okay okay, I’m sorry Sonny,” He finally used his first name, trying to be as soft with him as possible. He could see how much you meant to him, and it was really endearing. “Go ahead,”

“Alright,” Sonny sighed, ready to tell your life story. You would probably kill him later for it, but there was no hiding your...issues now, he might as well get the whole context.

“Well, first of all-- her dad died before she was born, overdose,” He began. “Then she was stuck with her junkie mother, my auntie. Who by the way at this point, nobody had heard from in years,” He took a sip of beer.

“So anyways,” He began again. “One day, she showed up at my mom’s doorstep with Y/N, and told her that she can’t take care of Y/N, or that she didn’t want to,” He sighed. “She was three years old by then, I don’t even wanna think about what happened before then,”

“Jesus…” Rafael muttered.

“I was eight years old at the time, my sisters were even younger. My mom and dad had enough on their plate with just us. So, I kinda took her under my wing,” He went on.

“We became so close, she wanted to go by “Sunny” just so she could be like me. I told her it would be confusing for the two of us, so I called her Sunshine, Sunny for short. That way if I’m calling her sunny, then obviously it’s not myself,” He chuckled. To this day, he still called you Sunshine.

“But as she grew up, she just...kinda had a rough go. She didn’t really interact with kids her own age, she was really defensive and untrusting with anybody but me. Not even my parents. And then we got the call that her mother died, and it ripped me up inside to see her body at the funeral. It was so fucked up, she was so fucked up. That’s why I-- I think something really bad happened to her when she was with her mother, Rafael. Like-- really, bad.

“Fuck..." Rafael muttered while glancing at his bedroom door. He didn't want to imagine what you had been through at such a young age. He wanted to run in his room right now and just hold you, but he kept his composure.

“So then I went off to college when she was ten years old, just about to start junior high. She begged me to stay, but I told her she had a good family and that my parents and sisters loved her as much as I did, and to stay out of trouble. But...kids are cruel. They made her harder, and harder. Without me there to be her-- I dunno, her guiding light or her-- protector, she just kinda fell into a bad crowd by the time high school rolled around,” He sighed while taking another swig of beer.

“...Right,” Rafael nodded.

“So when i came home from school my mom told me she was going to kick Sunny out. I asked her why, and she went on and on about how she had gotten in with these local girls who were like, I dunno some kinda girl gang, and they’d knock over liquor stores and then get drunk and stoned. She said she was never around anyway, unless it was to steal money out of her purse; And she just didn’t wanna deal with her anymore,”

“...But she was only fifteen at the time,” Rafael was stunned.

“Yeah, and that’s what I told her!” Sonny exclaimed. “Look Barba my mom is the salt of the earth, but like I said she had a lot on her plate and my dad wasn’t around a lot-- and she had three other daughters to watch out for,”

“Three of her OWN daughters,” Rafael clarified with a judgmental tone.

“HEY,” Sonny warned. “I know how it sounds. And maybe-- maybe you’re right, maybe that’s why she washed her hands clean of Sunny. Because she was just a by-product of her fucked up sister. But I-- I’m not gonna condemn her for it. And you sure as hell don’t get to judge her,”

“You’re right,” Rafael nodded while sipping his scotch.

“So I took Sunny in,” Sonny finished his beer as he wrapped up his story. “I took her in while I went through the police academy. I made sure she got sober, quit hangin’ out with those girls, I got her to do well in school, hell I got her to graduate high school!”

“And…?” Rafael pressed.

“...And when I started bouncing around precincts, she was finally a productive member of society so she started living on her own. She had a few jobs, but never really going anywhere. So once I got placed here in SVU and started making better money, I started helping her out with rent and her car, as long as she promised to start going to community college. Which she agreed to because she really does wanna make something of herself,” He half smiled thinking about how far you had come and how proud he was to call you his cousin now. You were so full of life with dreams and ambitions he never saw in you as a scared little kid.

“Okay so-- how does all of this lead to what happened tonight?” Rafael leaned back and crossed his arms.

“Because she’s still an addict, Barba!” Sonny tried not to yell, but didn’t understand why Rafael was still so flippant about you.

“Just because she got her life together-- I got her life together, doesn’t mean that she just got ‘better’. She’s on a daily see-saw of sobriety. I do weekly ‘drop ins’ just to check on her. It’s gotten a lot better as time goes on, and the less and less I worry about her, but--” He took a breath and looked at the floor.

“....Deep down she’s still that little girl with all of her walls and her distrust. She doesn’t have friends, I really don’t think she’s ever had a stable ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend,’ I mean she-- she doesn’t, talk to people,” He paused before looking up and into Rafael’s eyes.

“...Which is why it has been yankin' my chain tryin’ to figure out just why in God’s name she was so-- open, to you,” He finally admitted. “She’s never been that close to anybody else but me, not in her entire life,”

“Wait,” Rafael put a finger up. “So...you haven’t actually been jealous of Y/N this whole time, you’ve been jealous of me?” He half laughed.

“I mean, it’s a little of both,” He shrugged with a small smile, able to joke about his feelings now. “But I meant what I said when I first got here, I know the main thing that Y/N needs in her life right now is stability. And you-- you are not stable, in the least,”

“Oh I’m the unstable one?” Rafael raised an eyebrow.

“Relationship wise, yeah,” Sonny pointed out.

“....Fair point,” Rafael nodded as he finished off his scotch. He knew the longest relationship he had ever had was with the cute barista he saw every morning who knew how to make his coffee just right. And that relationship only took him five minutes a day to maintain.

“So…” Sonny knocked Rafael from his thoughts.

“So...what?” Rafael quirked an eyebrow.

“So, I think that--” Sonny took a deep breath, knowing you might hate him for this. But it was for the best, and it needed to be said.

“I think that if you care anything about her, or me for that matter, that you let me take her home, and forget about this whole weekend,”

“....I mean…” Rafael rubbed the back of his neck. He didn't want to let you go. Well, he didn't want to let go of the girl he had met at Forlini's. The girl who made him laugh, who he could be his true self around, the girl he might---

“Look the bottom line here Barba is that Y/N is-- a lot of work. I should know, I’ve been taking care of her for 19 years. But I don’t mind it, because I love her more than anything else in this world. Well, her and the rest of my family. But still-- I love her,” Sonny now stood up.

“And I get that you like her, but she--- she has gotten way too serious about you way too fast, and way too hard. And this?” He gestured around the room, referring to the whole night. “This ain’t even the tip of the iceberg with her, if she’s really fallen off the wagon,”

“...God dammit,” Rafael stood up and began to pace in his living room. He thought about every single second he had spent with you since he met you; you had never seemed so...broken, as Sonny was describing you.

“What I’m saying is, unless you’re ready to-- ‘deal’ with her, and everything that comes with that, please for the love of God, just walk away now,” Sonny pleaded.

“Because she won’t listen to me if I tell her to stay away from you. And if things get too ‘real’ for you, you’re just gonna freak out or-- or get bored, and throw her away. Her self worth will drop to shit. And if that happens, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get her back from that,”

“I would never just throw her away, Carisi,” Rafael rolled his eyes.

“You can’t say that, Barba,” Sonny debated.

“And why the hell not?” Rafael narrowed his eyes.

“Because you’ve never NOT just ‘thrown away’ someone,” He chuckled. “That front door might as well be a garbage chute,”

“You son of a--” Rafael started to yell at him but Sonny cut him off.

“Tell me I’m wrong, Barba. Look me in the eyes and tell me I have no idea what I’m talking about, and I’ll leave here and let you deal with her the way you want to,” Sonny looked at him pensively. Rafael looked at him for several seconds, then softened his glare into a sad concession.

“....Take her,” He muttered softly while looking at the ground.

“Thank you,” Sonny mumbled softly as he turned to go retrieve your passed out self from the bedroom. However, he was instead met with the most unsettling sight:

You were standing in the doorway of the room, glaring at the two of them.

“...H-Hey, Sunshine--” Sonny tried to appease you with an awkward smile.

“Don’t,” You growled, stomping into the living room and began packing your bag.

“Y/N, what are you--” Rafael went to put a hand on your bag but you snatched it away before you shot fire out of your eyes into his gaze.

“Oh, I’m sorry, did I misunderstand what you just said?” You barked at him with tears in your eyes. “Because I’m pretty damn sure I heard ‘take her’. You know like I’m some sort of defective Amazon package,”

“That’s not what I meant---” He softly spoke, the guilt of his words being heard by you was quickly eating him alive.

“No I know what you meant, Rafael,” You zipped your duffel shut angrily.

“I heard the whole god damn spiel. Which, by the way, thank you so much for detailing my entire little sob story, cousin,” You glared at Sonny as you started walking towards the front door, shoulder checking him.

���But neither of you have to worry about anything anymore, okay? You’re released from your ‘duties’. This trainwreck is leaving the station, so you can relax,” You looked at the both of them with pain in your eyes, tears cracking your words.

“Sunshine--” Sonny started after you.

“DON’T,” You glared at him while putting a finger up. “Don’t ever call me that again,”

“At least let me drive you home--”

“No,” You shook your head. “And you know what, cuz? I didn’t realize I was such a financial burden, so you know what? Cut me off. Because I’d rather be homeless again than take any more money from you,”

“What did I do?!” Sonny was now angry. “All I did was come over and try to protect you, that’s it!”

“I don’t need your protection!” You screamed. “This whole time...this whole time, I thought you were proud of me. That you trusted me,”

“I do trust you--”

“You don’t!” You stomped your foot while tears streamed down your face. “Y-You think that if . one single thing like a boy not liking me is gonna set me off, like I’m some kind of bomb you’ve kept from detonating for years. My life is not your responsibility anymore, Sonny! I don’t think it ever was!”

“Well who’s else was it gonna be?!”

“NOBODY’S!!!!” You finally dropped your duffel bag and kicked the wall, leaning your head against it. You were strangely quiet for a long pause before you spoke again in an eerily calm voice.

“...Do you know why my mother “dropped me off’ with your mother?”

“Because she couldn’t take care of you--”

“No I heard what you said,” You sniffled with a sad smile. “Because she didn’t want to,”

“Sunshine--”

“But leaving me with your mother, was her plan b,” You cut him off, still looking at the floor.

“What do you mean?” Sonny asked cautiously while looking at Rafael who had a terrified look in his eyes.

“She didn’t want to ‘burden’ her sister with me, but she had to when I wouldn’t die,”

“...W-What?” Rafael almost choked on the words in disbelief.

“She tried to smother me with a pillow, but I wouldn’t die. I kept screaming and crying, and I guess it touched her strand of humanity, so she stopped,” You rolled your eyes with the same sad smile.

That memory was forever imprinted in your brain. The terror of being woken up in blackness, unable to breathe. The smell of the cigarette smoke covered pillow being shoved into your throat and nostrils. Your mother crying and telling you it would be over soon, just to let go. And finally her sad, pathetic whimpers and sobs when she finally lifted the pillow from you, disappointed in herself that she couldn’t do one good thing in her life. That now she was going to have to pass you, her problem, onto her sister.

“Y/N, baby girl--” Sonny stepped towards you again.

“I wasn’t supposed to be raised by anybody, Sonny. I’m not even supposed to be alive!” You stomped your foot again while tears continued to flow.

“That’s not true!” He ran over and grabbed you in a hug. “You are not a burden,”

“Really?” You laughed sarcastically into his shoulder as you pushed him away from the hug. “You just said your mom didn’t even want to deal with me. Nobody did,”

“I did!” He argued. “I do,”

“Yeah well, maybe I’m my mother’s daughter. I don’t wanna be your burden,” You picked up the duffel and opened the door.

“Okay well you have no choice in that so you’re gonna have to let that go,” Sonny grabbed your hand before you could walk away.

“Fine,” You finally conceded with a blank expression.

“Guess I’ll just have to let a lot of things go, won’t I?” Your voice cracked as you looked at Rafael one more time with the saddest eyes.

He stared back at you with a stone cold face. He wanted so badly just to go and hold you in his arms, telling you how you didn’t deserve any of what happened to you, and that you deserved everything good and all the love in the world. But Sonny’s pleas were still in his head.

He didn’t know if he wanted the responsibility of your entire self worth and happiness, let alone your sobriety on his shoulders. He didn’t even like to get close to clients with that many issues, the pressure was too much. So instead he just stood there, trying not to show how much this was killing him, sending you away like this.

“Come on Sunshine, just-- let’s go, okay?” Sonny pleaded with you softly, pulling at your hand. You didn’t answer, you just nodded and started walking down the hallway towards the elevator, leaving Sonny at the door.

“...Thank you, Barba,” He mumbled softly, nodding at Rafael. Rafael barely nodded back before Sonny closed the door.

As soon as it was closed, Rafael dropped on his knees and began to cry. He didn’t know why exactly, was he crying because he felt horrible for all the shit you had gone through? Was he angry at himself for not being able to get over his own bullshit to actually open up and care about someone for more than a week? Was he really that big of a hypocrite, showing empathy to clients all the time but shutting out the one person he felt he might-- he couldn’t even think it. He wouldn’t let himself think it. He just composed himself and poured another scotch while turning on the TV, trying to forget what just happened.

His NETFLIX menu popped up; it asked him if he wanted to continue watching Bojack Horseman. He closed his eyes and muttered obscenities in spanish while memories of the night before flooded his brain, making him cry angry tears once more. He finally decided just to go to bed, maybe his brain would release him from torture if he could turn it off.

He wasn’t sure he could ever turn it off now.

[fakeikemen]

Katara's Grief

(This is my first attempt at a meta post and I know that this has probably been already done but I just needed to get it off my chest and go on a little rant and it kinda got long so bear with me.)

A lot of the hate on Katara stems from the fact that she keeps on mentioning her mother's death at every chance she gets and invalidates other people's pain to assert that her suffering is the worst of the lot.

And even though everybody is entitled to their own opinions, I'm gonna point out why I think the aforesaid claims are not exactly correct.

First we'll take a look at; Katara's Backstory:

We know that Kya is killed in a fire nation raid and that Katara had been the last person to see her alive before she leaves the tent on her mother's insistence. Only to come back a few moments later and find her dead body. This, in itself is a traumatising event.

So yes, her mother died. Other people in the story go through far worse. You're not wrong when you say that.

But what is more important in Katara's story is the aftermath of her mother's death.

As Sokka says while talking to Toph in "The Runaway" in B3 Ep7:

Sokka: When our mom died, that was the hardest time in my life. Our family was a mess, but Katara? She had so much strength. She stepped up and took on so much responsibility. She helped fill the void that was left by our mom.

As an eight year old, she had to force herself to grow up to step into her mother's shoes and raise herself and her elder brother and simultaneously look after the entire village after her father left to fight in the war. She had to do all of it by herself.

In face of all her responsibilities, she never really had the chance to simply be a grieving child lamenting the loss of her mother. She habituated herself to caring more about others than herself (We see this trait in the entire series as she acts as the stand-in mom friend for the entire Gaang with an exception of Suki and Zuko). She ended up bottling her feelings of grief, resentment, guilt and rage deep within herself.

She had to give up an extensive part of her childhood where most children focus on figuring themselves out, to become a mature and responsible person who was working as the immovable pillar holding up the family and even the whole village not much later.

She put up a strong front to help others and pretended to be fine even though she was hurting inside the whole time.

She could never find any closure from the situation. She never got over it.

Moving on to the criticisms:

1. Katara keeps on mentioning her mother like a broken record:

Here are the number of times Katara mentions her mother's death (not sure if that's all of it, lmk if there are any others):

1. In her first scene with Sokka

Katara: Ever since mom died, I've been doing all the work around camp while you've been off playing soldier!

2. A short while after she meets Aang

Katara: Well, I just want you to be prepared for what you might see. The Fire Nation is ruthless. They killed my mother, and they could have done the same to your people.

3. A short while after she meets Haru

Katara: I lost my mother in a Fire Nation raid. This necklace is all I have left of her.

4. A short while after she meets Jet

Katara: Sokka and I lost our mother to the Fire Nation.

5. In the swamp after she sees a vision of her mother

Katara: I thought I saw Mom.

6. In the Crystal Catacombs with Zuko

Katara: I don't? How dare you! You have no idea what this war has put me through! Me personally! The Fire Nation took my mother away from me.

7. A short while after she meets Hama

Katara: We completely understand. We lost our mother in a raid.

8. Repeated mentions in The Southern Raiders episode

(Most of the episode basically)

The first mention with Sokka is in the middle of a siblings' spat where she tells off Sokka for trying to act as if he were superior when it was obvious that in the face of the gaping hole that was left by Kya's sudden death, Katara had shouldered much more responsibility.

When she tells it to Aang, she uses it as a proof that the Fire Nation is capable of immense cruelty and destruction.

The Gaang travel all around the world and meet different people affected by the war in different ways. So when Haru, Jet and Hama narrate their own stories, Katara sympathises with them and talks about Kya's death in lieu of "I understand, the Fire Nation hurt me too."

After they got separated, Aang, Sokka and Katara each had their visions and after they get back together, they all mention their visions and so does Katara.

When left alone in catacombs with Zuko, whom she considered as the face of the Fire Nation— the same Fire Nation that had her mother killed and forced her father to leave to fight in the war, she has a meltdown where she rightfully accuses him of all the bad things he's done and then breaks down while talking about how the war has cost her i.e., by causing her mother's death.

The Southern Raiders is the episode where Katara hunts down the man responsible for her mother's death. If you think mentioning Kya repeatedly in this episode is uncalled for, then I don't know what to tell you.

In all the incidents mentioned above, Katara mentioning her mother's death is a very natural occurrence is the respective conversations. She mostly talks about Kya's death to either extend her sympathy or to use it as an example of the ruthlessness of the Fire Nation.

Another fact to be noted is that 70% of the Gaang's storyline is followed via Katara from a narrative point of view. Plus, being the mom-friend, she acts as the spokesperson. Considering that Kya's death is a major event that played a huge role in shaping Katara's life and is also the source of her severe, unresolved trauma, which acts as the driving force of her story, it is only natural that she brings up this topic whenever she is engaging in a deeper conversation.

It is us as the viewers who have seen her from the start and already know about her mother's death and we see her talking to multiple people about it. Which is why it might come across as repetitive to some people.

While, Kya's death is not necessary information that everyone needs to know, Katara talking about it never comes across as a forced or unnatural.

2. Katara invalidates others' pain because she thinks she has suffered the most:

First of all, if anything, Katara is the most empathetic person of them all. As the mom-friend of the group, not only is she their constant moral support, she also helps them untangle and sort out their own feelings. She is also able to tap into issues that aren't said out loud.

Instances of Katara helping and supporting Aang, emotionally are uncountable.

She is the first one to notice Sokka's sour mood in B3 Ep4 "Sokka's Master". And even though his insecurities seem baseless, she validates him (by saying "I'm sorry you're feeling so down" instead of something like "That's a dumb thing to say") and knows exactly what to do to cheer him up.

In B3 Ep7 "The Runaway" she has the insight to understand that Toph's unruly behaviour is caused by the mixed feelings she has about her parents even though Toph's herself never talked about it.

She even reaches out to Zuko in B2 Ep19 "Crossroads of Destiny" even though she used to think of him as the face of the enemy.

But then there's The Southern Raiders.

Ah yes, that episode where Katara is extremely OOC and a total b*tch.

Agreed that she said some things that she definitely shouldn't have said. But like, she's just 14?? And has been hurting on the inside since she was 8?? And pretended to be fine just for the sake of other people?? Like, there's a limit to how much she can have her shit under control?? And she did a real good job of Sokka's upbringing and taking care of the village and taking care of Gaang on her own?? Some people out there are really willing to forget everything she has ever done just because she was mean for 5 minutes?? A traumatised 14 yo shouldn't be villianised and called toxic because she got mad and lashed out at people that one time??

But here's my take on the scene anyway:

When Aang gets to know that she's going to go face her mother's killer:

Aang: Um ... and what exactly do you think this will accomplish?

Katara: I knew you wouldn't understand. 

Aang is a non-confrontational person who prefers running away from difficult situations as opposed to Katara who firmly stands her ground and is never afraid of confrontations. Katara had approached Aang only hoping that he would understand. But going by his dismissal, he obviously doesn't understand the burning need that she has to confront the man who had single-handedly destroyed her childhood. (Most people infer that what Katara means is that she thinks that Aang doesn't understand the pain of losing people. And so does Aang, I guess)

But things start getting even more tricky when:

Aang: Katara, you sound like Jet.

In all honesty, this is probably the most insensitive thing that she could've heard from anyone right then, let alone one of her closest friends. Hearing herself being compared to a homicidal maniac just because she wants to avenge her mother's killer. (No, I'm not justifying murder but there's a clear difference between homicide and avenging someone's death. And Aang may not be my favourite character but I do love him but this wasn't really a good thing to say either. And he wasn't even mentally distressed in the very least to be completely lacking tact or a filter.)

And then the situation escalates:

Sokka: Katara, she was my mother, too, but I think Aang might be right.

Katara: Then you didn't love her the way I did!

After 6 long years of Katara bottling in her dark feelings and letting them fester inside herself, she is finally letting them out and the first things she faces in a span of few minutes are outright rejection, invalidation of her feelings, comparison to a homicidal maniac and nothing akin to the unconditional support that she has provided to everybody. Her own brother tells her that he is siding with the boy who just compared her to a homicidal maniac.

Yes, accusing your own brother of not loving your mother enough is a very cruel thing to do. But both Sokka and Katara know that she doesn't entirely mean it.

But also, there is one very important factor in here:

In B3 Ep7 "The Runaway", Sokka says to Toph:

Sokka: I'm gonna tell you something crazy. I never told anyone this before, but honestly? I'm not sure I can remember what my mother looked like. It really seems like my whole life, Katara's been the one looking out for me. She's always been the one that's there. And now, when I try to remember my mom, Katara's is the only face I can picture. 

Katara overhears this conversation just as Sokka had meant her to.

This dialogue lets us know that Sokka's coping mechanism has made him suppress all memories of Kya and replace them with memories of Katara in order to attain a semblance of normalcy.

Both Katara and Sokka had very different ways of coping with Kya's death. Katara pressed down her feelings and tried her best to pretend to ignore them while Sokka partially succeeded in forgetting her.

When Katara first hears these words she is shown to be crying. But if she were to remember these very words while she was justifying herself infront of her own brother and a close friend for wanting to avenge her mother, it would've had a negative impact on her.

In her rage, she would've thought: "Of course he doesn't want to avenge mom. Because he doesn't think it's worth it and that's because he doesn't even remember enough of her to be mad about her death."

And for someone who has spent each day of the last 6 years trying to fill in the shoes of her mother and experiencing her absence everyday, the idea of forgetting her mother is a ridiculous concept to her.

Her thoughts would have quickly derailed to: "He didn't love her enough to remember her."

In light of these thoughts, saying "Then you didn't love her the way I did" doesn't feel out of the blue.

No, I am definitely not justifying what she said, I'm just laying out a possible explanation to why she said what she said.

Yes, she should've apologized to Sokka for this and I think that they definitely should've had a long conversation about their mother's death and how it affected them. Between Katara supressing her feelings and Sokka supressing his memories, i don't think they ever had this conversation.

But sadly we are given neither of these scenes.

Tl;dr: Everytime Katara mentions her mother, it's with good reason and I don't think it's fair to call a character toxic when they lack a mind to mouth filter for 5 minutes and say some mean things. And considering all that Katara has done for everybody, it isn't fair at all.

Peace out!