#my experience in this community is going to feel tainted no matter what i do

[cyberaxolotl]

vent tag posting i need to scream at. anything

this is extremely vague because. !! vagueness is security i have been very hurt

[lailoken]

Hello Lailoken! how can someone who's 'new to all this' tell if the entities they’re contacting in visions, dreams or any other 'otherworldly journey' are, indeed, fae to be trusted, or if it's just 'tricksters' and they’re being intentionally misled, or meant for harm? Are there any signs? what's your experience with discerning spirits' intentions? (divination aside, I feel any divination done by myself to try to unravel this would be 'tainted' or come untrue, but do correct me if I'm wrong! I also don’t want to depend on other people’s skills on divination to be able to do this safely...)

This is honestly a rather dense subject, but I will do my best to respond to some points you brought up here.

Firstly, here are some tips to keep in mind when attempting this kind of work:

— Learn to identify when and how you are experiencing legitimate numinous communications to begin with. Once you feel confident that you're dealing with real contact, then you can begin to work on parsing out what feels hinky and what feels trustworthy. Working on meditation, dream recall, divination, and other such techniques can do a lot to help you strengthen these skills.

— Use/develop wards that can be put in place when attempting to interact with spirits. Someone could write a whole monograph just on warding techniques, but suffice it to say that you're going to want to be proficient in warding before attempting to work with most spirits. At the least, I think it's important to have wards in place against physical harm, psychological contamination, and deception, as these are the main things one generally has to worry about if interacting with a dangerous spirit. Learning to employ these wards when divining is also an important part of how you learn to trust more in divination for looking into this sort of matter.

— Keep close track of your interactions and suspected interactions with spirits. Doing this helps to give a more "fleshed out" sense of the Wight in question, by allowing you to look over the record of their behavior. This also helps with identifying any possible lies or inconsistencies put forward by the spirit.

— Set clear boundaries with any spirits, and be wary of wights who disregard or consistently push those boundaries. Sometimes, spirits can help push us to grow and evolve, even if it's not always comfortable. But just like mundane relationships, numinous relationships that demonstrate a consistent pattern of forceful and/or manipulative behavior are troubling.

There are also certain red flags I think are worth watching out for when attempting to work with spirits:

— Have caution if a spirit always seems to say exactly what you want to hear. Having a good relationship with your Spirit Kith is a wonderful thing, but I tend to be untrusting of a spirit who consistently reflects back exactly what I'm hoping to see—particularly if said spirit is always clamoring for my attentions.

— Beware of consistently confusing or contradictory communications. Spirits can be coy or even downright confusing, but that isn't a red flag in and of itself. After all, numinous wights experience the world very differently from us, and their attempts to communicate can become "jumbled" when passing through the lens of our conscious understanding. Whats more, they sometimes speak in riddles for their own reasons. But if a spirit tells outright lies, or if they seem to pull you every which way based on cold whims, that's something worth being concerned over.

— Be on guard if a spirit starts out by acting very gentle and affable with you, but becomes progressively controlling and aggressive over time. Abusive humans have a tendency to show their true colors gradually as a way to draw in and then trap potential victims, and this same tactic is often seen with spirits as well.

— Suspicion is in order if you tend to become fatigued, dizzy, and/or confused when/after interacting with a spirit. To be fair, these experiences can be a normal part of spirit work, in general, for many people—especially if you're new to it. But if it's pervasive or extreme, or if you start to also experience pain, then it's usually worth being wary. The same goes for other troubling physical symptomology, but these are the most common symptoms I've come across.

— Something isn't right if bad things frequently happen in relation to the spirit. If you've been having terrible nightmares ever since the spirit came into your life, that's concerning. If you or your loved ones always seem to become sick or injured when you do something to displease the spirit, then that's worrisome. If you've been experiencing continual hardships or traumas since the arrival of a spirit, that's alarming. Especially when these things somehow funnel back into you giving the spirit more attention and energy (asking them for solace and protection, for instance.)

[bloodpen-to-paper]

Heya, I don't plan to talk about it much but due to what happened with forever, who was my fav and really the heart of the project for me, I'm probably not going to post about Qsmp much anymore. Or if I do, it'll take a while. But please read if you're in the same boat as me, its kind of a ramble and you can skip certain parts but I'd like to hear your thoughts. The last couple of paragraphs touch on some stuff that I hope can help be worth your while, whether you're here for the Qsmp stuff or the mental health part.

Now this is absolutely not to say the rest of the project doesn't matter or that people should give up on it. The Qsmp is incredible and should be known for what it has achieved: breaking language barriers and uniting communities. Its wonderful, unique, and still has so much to offer in terms of content creation, so please don't let the whole of it be tarnished for what happened with one creator (we've seen that before already and it sucks). Personally, it got me back into streaming content/mcyt and I'd like to stay more present this time, its so much fun and its nice knowing I can sort of drift back and forth when new things pop up. If you're in the same boat, I encourage you to not feel like its all over immediately if you still feel a passion for this kind of work, maybe you won't get back into it but maybe you just need a bit of time. Whatever you feel, as long as you're happy and having fun you're doing it right.

So, personal feelings (which I suck at but its better than bottling my thoughts and I encourage others to do the same). I'm fucking devastated lmao. His character was my absolute hyperfixation, I'm talking 24/7 brainrot for months. I haven't felt this passionate for a character since dsmp, I honestly didn't know I could still do it. But there's another layer. I live in the U.S., and I'm Brasilian-American. In the U.S., you don't hear anyone saying shit about Brasil. You hear a lot about Mexico, but nothing really south of that, and if you do its usually about sexualizing Brasilian women or narcotics and gang stuff. Not the best representation for little me, admittedly. When you-know-who won the Qsmp Election, y'all I felt something in me spark to life that I hadn't felt since we won the Olympic soccer tournament in Rio in 2016. I'm proud to be Brasilian, I've always been proud of it, but its a pride that's been limited to sports and my own personal experiences. To see myself represented, to see Brasil naturally enter the conversation for a piece of media I loved that I didn't know would have us, and to see us win something, phew, shit got me higher than my wisdom tooth removal. We Brasilians banded together to secure the win, and what's more, my fav cc on the project was the one at the center. I felt so happy, for my country, my community, and for myself. And I know recent events might taint that memory for some of us, but I refuse to look back on my feelings from back then negatively. That was one of the best damn moments in my chronically online life, and I will always remember it with pride and joy, along with the many other moments when this wonderful server made me proud to be me.

So, naturally, when the news hit I was pretty fucked up over it. Still am tbh, but better now that I've had sleep (though it took me a while to fall asleep because of course my sleep gets ruined by bad feelings, bleh). All this to ultimately say it sucks. Like, it really fucking sucks. The anxiety, the disappointment, the sadness, and the uncertainty of "what now?". Might be sounding dramatic but again, 24/7 brainrot/serotonin supply for months that connected me to my culture abruptly cut off because of pedophile allegations. C'mon Satan, I already have to go to therapy, you didn't have to kick this horse while it was down. Joking aside, if you feel as absolute dogshit as I do and have that kind of anxiety where the world feels like its about to end because moments like these leave you with the rug pulled out from under you and the uncertainty leaves you not knowing what to do with your life after this... well, welcome to the boat, bathroom's on the lower deck and snacks are in the lobby. And also I'm here, and everyone else who's been left in the same crummy place emotionally. We're here together, and I hope that can help you, cause I know for me the worst part is feeling alone in it all, but I'm not, and neither are you. We're here, holding hands and cursing existence for putting us here and making us so sensitive and giving us something great only for it to end up hurting us. We're here, and if you wanna say anything, my DMs, comments, asks, whatever you'd want to talk through, are all open.

Now comes the hardest part: acknowledgement and playing the waiting game. Like I said, if you're feeling like me, this kind of anxiety and disappointment has you feeling like its all over. So now's when you gotta remind yourself that the only thing that's over is this moment in your life when you enjoyed a Thing. That Thing can have meant a lot to you, it could have gotten you out of really dark places, and it could be something you'll still think about down the line. It can be something like minecraft cube people that you (I) got way too emotionally attached to. And for whatever reason, that Thing could have meant the absolute world, whether other people would've understood it or not. Its not your fault it ended the way it did, life just does that sometimes, as unsatisfying of an answer as that is. But its true, and its an important lesson. The Thing is over.

You know what's not over though? You. You're life. Whatever the hell you are doing and will do in the future. If this was the best thing in your life you had going for you, I am so fucking sorry. You deserved to be happy with it, we both did. But I promise you, this Thing is a moment in your story, not the whole story. This really was the source of my joy for the past few months, and if its the same for you, I see you. We can feel like shit together, along with the rest of this wonderful community who understand it too. And you know what else we're gonna do? Live, and move on. Not now, maybe not for while, but we're human beings, we persist (sometimes that might look like you're dragging your battered self out of a trench smelling like depression and expired cheese, but you'll get out of the trench, we both will). There's too much to life for this to be what stops you from finding the rest, whether that's some dramatic life change that completely changes the world as you know it for the better... or just figuring out what comes next. Taking a shower, watching that movie you were waiting for the right moment to watch (I'd say this qualifies), setting up a therapy appointment maybe. Whatever you do to feel like a person again, you have that to do, and later down the road you'll have new Things that give it all meaning. So keep yourself going, hit up me or others who would get it, and do what you gotta do to let it pass. Because it will pass.

Deep breaths friend, I'll be cheering for you when it does

[starcanwrecked-confessions]

Hello everyone. I'm the creator of the Campfire Confession ship. I'm of the belief that we are free to have whatever headcanons we want, and to play with the ships that we like. I made this ship because I wanted to explore what Karen was doing whilst Holy Bastard was happening. The creator of that ship, @tapestryoftrauma, is a friend of mine, and I was excited to play around in this sandbox I was welcome in. There's a long standing fandom tradition of the phrase "Ship and Let Ship". I've seen it in other communities, and I stand by it. We are all playing with a fictional world and its characters. To have fun exploring dynamics, to make wondrous things out of fics, art, edits, podfics, and other transformative works. Alongside that phrase, I welcome any and all headcanons. It's fun to see how we see the same characters in such different ways. I feel immensely lucky that I get to be here with all of you, sharing, collaborating, and just having fun. With these two ideas, comes the matter of respect. I always favored the idea of curating my own experience. This extends from offline to online, and being able to have that control over a small piece of my life is something I cherish. I like being able to follow those whose ideas I find intriguing, and I'm not afraid to ignore those who I don't agree with. It's nothing personal, just me using my preferences. There's nothing wrong with having differing opinions, if no one is getting hurt. I take issue with those who go out of their way to attack others. I take issue with those who put their opinions in a place where they can cause harm. I'm no stranger to negativity, and I remember when fandoms would use "anti [insert thing here]" or " [insert thing here] critical" tags to denote posting about something negative, or about something they just didn't like. I prefer the useage of those tags because one can easily follow or block those tags. It's very clean organization. But to post something like that onto a public blog, or to put something into the main tag of that particular thing, feels disrespectful to those who enjoy it. I find it rude and insensitive, particularly because I am a person who keeps my negative opinions behind closed doors, where only my friends and I can see. I understand that this is a confessions blog, but that gives you far more attention than you may want. That is bound to have people react very loudly, sometimes in a way you didn't intend. I'm not upset that you may not agree with my headcanons, or my ship. I'm glad that we have differences, because it would make for a boring fandom otherwise. I am upset that it may not have been considered that I would see this, and be hurt by it. Hatchetfield is not the biggest fandom, and a ship like Campfire Confession has an incredibly small fanbase. There's only 14 fics of it on AO3, and the majority are written by around three or four people. Femslash within fandom as a whole is historically ignored, in favor of Slash (m/m) or het ships. There's nothing wrong with having a preference for those over femslash, but to come out and attack an incredibly small ship, feels as if one is punching down. I know that the Hatchetfield fandom recently had HFFF, an event that celebrated femslash. I know this because I ran that event with my friends. We ran that event because we noticed a lack of femslash within the fandom, and we wanted to make a difference. I do not come before you to attack, or demean. I come here because I do not want any more fighting. I don't want what is something of my creation to be tainted with negativity. I became more active within fandom to have fun, not to fight. Please stop fighting. I'm not mad with anyone. I'm certainly upset. All I ask is that you tag your negative opinions so I can block the tag. I don't want to see that. Please stop fighting.

Hi, I know this is in part about that first anon and others and I understand and even agree with what you're saying

And maybe you're referring to others posts that haven't been tagged correctly but I assume you're talking about me, so just to be clear: I did not main tag that post. I used the the tag "campfire confessions neg" and have said that for negative posts about characters or ships I use the tag "[name] neg"

If you or anyone believes there's better ways for me tag negative posts please let me know, but since a lot of this was about tagging things I just wanted to clear things up that I didn't main tag that, although I'm still sorry you saw it, I can definitely understand seeing someone say that about the ship you created would be upsetting

[bridgetoesoteria]

🔮Quickie Read: Pick an Oracle Card🔮

(This post has Piles 4-6)

Pile 4

Spread: Jack of Spades, 3 of Diamonds + Observer (Oracle)

Omg...are some of you pregnant? You could be pregnant and wondering how to break the news. Break the news usually has a slightly negative connotation. So maybe this is very inconvenient for some reason. Either way, the observer card is telling you to look to meditation or prayer (whatever your spiritual beliefs call for) for the guidance you seek.

"Cautious" and "clever" are repeated twice in the guidance book for this card. The next message I'm getting is that you may have to be more cunning than what you are used to or comfortable with. Right now, you have to look out for yourself. If you have to communicate something, choose your words carefully.

Card Description: The Observer watches the skies unlocking hidden messages. She is cautious, clever, and aware; understanding, cautious, clever, patience, endurance, connections.

TL;DR: Move very wisely right now. Seek "higher" guidance before you make a decision. Maybe you need to move according to the moon or astrological cycles. Choose your words carefully. Look out for your interests.

Pile 5

Spread: The Joker, Ace of Hearts + Medusa (Oracle)

Some of you could have Medusa tattoo, relate to Medusa, or be into Greek mythology. As soon as I flipped this pile over, I felt quite a spicy spicy feelinnn. What y'all got going on? lol. I was hearing "medusa the sedusa (seducer)" 💀💀

I'm sober so I know it ain't me...

If you aren't in that energy that is where you are headed. Your sexual energy could be, or will be, very strong. You may have a new romantic offer. I feel like this is with someone you have not been with. If there was an ex that put you in this medusa, man-eater type of energy, I don't think this is them. This feels positive.

If you are in this energy as self-protection, or you feel like a monster and that you put people off, that is not true. This card talks of shedding your skin, renewals/rebirths, and fears. You aren't tainted. If you are concerned about another person, they will be okay eventually. If this joker and ace of cups does not represent a new love situation, it could certainly mean new self-love.

TL;DR: It seems you are headed for healing. For some of you, you will have a new emotional connection with another person. You will be healing from past heartbreak. For others, you are shedding who you used to be and considering that maybe you aren't the problem (you're not). Both groups are lovable and deserve love from themselves and others 💞

Pile 6

Spread: Ace of Club, Jack of Clubs + Rose (Oracle)

Omg what is up with the last two piles lol. So much heat is coming through and its getting to me. Like I am ovulating right now so my ovaries literally cannot handle this. So uhh lets make this quick!

Honestly, this could be the energy many of you are in. You may hide it on the outside, but some of you are carrying a candle for another person. You probably are wanting to have some "one on one" time. I see that it is possible. You could have great chemistry in that way, even if everything else has gone to shit.

I think many of you know this person. The jack of clubs is somehow giving both knight and page, simultaneously 🤥🥴 If you cut them off I can see why. You have a lot of protection up. I think you are also very protected spiritually. If the right thing to do is stay away, then stay away. Keep yourself safe.

Another message I am getting is that some of you are so guarded and used to flying solo that you are blocking a potential partner. Again, you are protected and you can always ask for more. Maintain your boundaries, go at your pace, and consider giving someone a chance.

TL;DR: No matter what decision you make use protection. Idc what they tell you, how fired up you feel, or what your previous experiences may have been...always prioritize your health! You may have a hookup on the horizon. You could be debating if you should or you should not. If this person is cold or known for breaking hearts, it may be best to walk away. Others of you are being asked to consider letting your walls down just enough for you to let someone in. Know that you are protected and can always ask for more protection.

~ K

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

hiiii I wanted to ask you amh, why don't you write headcanons anymore? :00

It’s a combination of not having enough time and energy/motivation for it. I have to prioritize taking care of myself and also tend to real life obligations.

(I’ll go into more detail, but it’s sort of dull and somewhat personal so I’ll slap it under the cut!)

After 2 to 2.5ish straight years of posting almost every day, it kind of wore me and my spirit down 💦 This is especially true of headcanons, as they often involve multiple characters (as opposed to imagines, which mainly involved 1 or 2 characters as the centerpiece and the rest as brief supporting roles) and taking the time to think long and hard about their unique perspectives and reactions to sometimes highly detailed situations. The format of headcanons themselves also just does not align with what I like to do the most; it usually doesn’t allow for extended dialogue or fun canon character interactions (most headcanon requests involve self inserts, meaning more reader-canon character interactions than canon-canon interactions).

Each of the characters is unique, and I want that to be reflected in my works. I’m of the mindset that my writing should be such that you can’t swap out a character’s name for another’s without it losing meaning. A character should be able to act and speak in a distinctive manner; they cannot be easily replaced with another person. A large part of this, of course, also stems from my own perfectionism working against me… so it feels like the stress is really coming from all kinds of places 🥲

Something I realized after taking writing requests for so long is that I wasn’t able to write what I personally wanted to. There was an unspoken pressure to constantly put out new content, as well as communication I received that left me feeling immensely uncomfortable. As a mild example, I often received requests that disregarded my rules and/or involved subject matters which I found to be invasive or icky, things which I explicitly stated to NOT bring up to me; it was clear that some (some, NOT all) people cared more about getting free content over respecting an individual’s boundaries, and didn't even spare a few minutes to do me the courtesy of reading my rules and staying within my comfort zone. Sometimes I just got the impression that writers or content creators in general were just not being respected. I didn’t want those frequent enough bad experiences to seep into and taint a hobby that I love so much, so… I had to limit the frequency of writing requests for my own good.

The TWST fandom is just the kind that is eager and hungry for fan content (especially considering the relatively slow output of canon content in the actual JP game). Unfortunately, that has the side effect of killing the joy of creative writing for me 😔 The demand was so high I couldn’t keep up with my supply and I burnt out hard. Think of a star—it burns so brightly in the night sky, and one day it will just have nothing left to give and just… go out.

I decided to drastically scale back my writing requests (the majority of which were headcanons) and to mainly focus on writing what I find interesting and what makes me happy. Talking about lore, theories, and putting out only a few (2-5) imagines every month has been very chill. I think I’m in a much happier and less stressed place now! ^^

I do want to get back into writing headcanons and doing writing requests in general, but only when I personally feel like it and most likely on a smaller scale/at my own comfortable pace. Creative writing is a cherished hobby of mine, and the instant it starts feeling like an obligation then… well, it’s no longer a hobby and it wouldn’t be very fun for me anymore. “Having fun” was the whole reason I first started this blog, so I want to stray true to those roots.

[draftycastle]

The Language of Flowers: Reaction

In which: I am made to feel things, get mad about being made to feel things, gush over prose, fall in love with Lyra’s ability to portray emotion, talk starry existentialism, start two petitions and go on a tangent about miserably sad fools who are boring and beige.

Lyra Brie! You’ve thrown a fish hook down my throat and are pulling out my heart! It is very painful!

“I can't tell her that I still love her even if I can't touch her like I used to.”

Right off, you got down that feeling of when something so significant happens it cracks your foundations, changes something inside that makes it feel impossible to connect to people like you once did, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much love, it’s just to much pain to bear.

   “Mom still reaches out to touch me, instinctively”

Those instinctual habits from our love ones, that are well meaning, but haven’t caught up to the current reality, can be unmooring. We know they are meant with kindness, which’s adds all the more guilt to pain.

This whole first scene really hits home hard. Theres a theme of isolation here, the kind of isolation that comes from when you are so trapped inside yourself that you become a stranger, watching life from the outside in.

The inability and struggle to talk about traumatic events is a very real and raw experience that more people have than we care to think. Pain is a very hard thing to acknowledge. You also included the anger at a trauma for what it’s taken away from the person. This makes her feel very dimensional, and genuine to me. She’s not just a passive punching bag. She’s sitting there, fully realized and with feeling.

**

Scene two and my first thoughts: Libraries are such sanctuaries! The power of story!

   “Mom still believes I will just get better with time, the way she kept watering her wilted flowers thinking they would come back to life if she just cared enough”

Something something the way Our loved ones feel guilty for our pain, and then in our pain we feel guilty for their guilt.

“If only I could read, I could get out of this body, this tainted skin, for just a moment.” Then later “I was trying to escape my skin by crawling so deeply into myself that I was not part of my body anymore”

I think, many of us can relate very strongly to this urge for escapism. Why else would social media, video games, make up, Movie and Tv, fiction books ect be quite so popularly addicting? And then you also show us that disgust for the self after a traumatic event, even when what happened is not the fault of either us or our bodies.

“I resist the urge to hide…The second I make myself known to the people here, they will want to touch me.”

Aka “The mortifying ordeal of being known”

“Fix me, fix me, fix me, I want to scream. But I have no way to say anything.”

How badly do we want the pain to be taken away? How afraid are we of the pain it takes to heal?

“The smells of flowers and grass and early spring air fill me. This is what peace smells like.”

When I tell you I GASPED at this gorgeous bit of prose.

**

I appreciate how you don’t have her be immediately successful, immediately healed, as soon as she gives it her first try. How the power here lies in building trust, in choices, in her putting in the work of healing, and not just Love At First Sight Fixes All.

Pretty Boys are not cures!

**

“I can't decide if I hope he will or won't”

If that indecision isn’t a Mood.

“i don't want to be alone” will always get me.

“Would he ever be able to speak to me? This was lovely, right now, when we both believed I would be able to touch and communicate eventually. Would I, though? Even if I can use the flowers, that's still not the same. That's not my language”

You balance so many things so well in her: she has anger, hope, doubt, fear, grief ect. This juggling I think is what really gives this story’s emotional punches their strength.

**

“Statice sits on the ground next to me, trying to be close enough to be comforting without pushing my boundaries. I appreciate that.”

WE STAN A BOUNDRY RESPECTING KING!

Hes trying to comfort her on HER terms, in a way SHE wants, instead of what he thinks “should” be.

“I'm not sure I can. I desperately need to be held, to be told that I will be okay, that things will get better, but I cannot stomach the touch required”

Petition to get her a weighted blanket.

“..such an expanse to fill with dreams.” THAT PROSE AGAIN! I’m weak.

Also I want to live in a giant tree library with winged rabbits. Unfair I’m not.

Petition for me to to live in a giant tree library with winged rabbits?

“I start to worry about the anger I saw in him. I've never seen it before, but that doesn't mean it's not commonly occurring around other people. What if he's only being nice to me to gain my trust?”

She has such well developed emotion and a really authentic representation of PTSD.

The reoccurrence of this time line she set for herself: “It's nearly the end of spring, and I told myself I'd be better before summer.” UGH. You sneaky little mind spy Lyra Brie. How are so good at pulling out human experiences and emotions like that?

“To stare at the stars and realize how big the universe is, how much this all stretches beyond the two of us, and yet we get to be here together.”

Ah yes, the optimistic existentialism of star gazing. It’s part of why I love it.

“He is choosing to spend time with me despite how hard the lack of communication makes our friendship”

You are always worthy of friends and love and human connection. Being “too much” is a lie and a scam invented by boring people in beige who are really actually quite sad and miserable. Don’t listen to sad miserable fools in beige.

“Why can't I just be normal?”

Totally not feral over this, no sir.

“I work on my sewing a bit, trying to stitch these pieces of fabric back together. Maybe I can't fix me, but I could fix these clothes”

What a wonderful illustration of one of those tiny life moments of trying to control what we can.

“I'm willing to give myself time, though, and I have hope that it will come when it's ready.”

Such beautiful character growth. We all need to relearn what it is to show ourselves this kind type of grace.

“  I don't know why I insisted on doing these things, even know they won't be able to understand or read any of it. They can't speak my new languages. There's still no way for me to actually communicate with them.    I sigh, laying down on the grass. I had insisted on starting this story, for some reason. I might as well finish it. Maybe not for them, but for me”

Sometimes it can silly to do or make something for yourself, but it really is very important. Even if it feels “too different” for others to understand at times. More people will probably get more out of it than you assume.

**

If I took a shot of water every time hope appears in Lyra Brie stories I’d be a very hydrated person.

   “Maybe love is a language of its own, and you can feel it, even if you don't know what the other person is saying.”

No words. That stands on its own.

   “Everything has changed. I am different. Will they be okay with that, once they understand? They'll have to get to know me all over again. But maybe some things are still the same.    Maybe this old part of me can be part of the new, too.”

Im so strongly in love with this I’m going to be sick!

The moments with her parents were she’s first hugging her parents again, telling them her story and she loves them, and how much she missed them- wow. Just wow. Wow. WOW. W-O-W. It’s hard to choose a favorite moment but that just might be it.

“I hold them out to him, encouraging his healing the same way he did all those months for me” What a lovely image to close with. I adore the reoccurring flower motif through out. That supportive element of floriography becoming such a healing, comforting thing really just makes this story all the more special.

To summarize: I was made me Feel Feelings against my will.

[tumbleweedtech]

Forgiveness

There's something that's been bothering me, for a long while. Well over a year. I'll put it under a cut because it's quite long.

It's in the way people apologize, and what they expect to come from it. If you harm someone, either deliberately or by accident, you owe them an apology. I'm aware that within courts of law this has consequences. I'm not talking about that level of harm or responsibility. The social contract is, when you harm someone you apologize, and attempt to right the wrong done. I was raised in a heavily catholic family, in a christian-centered community. I am not religious anymore, but I'm aware this informs my experiences, so please note I'm leaving the floor open to anyone else who has experienced a culture who treats apologies differently. In a very christian viewpoint - apologies aren't the important part. The forgiveness is. They insist it makes you christ-like, to forgive those who have harmed you. It's what Christ did on the cross, right? They know not what they do. Your god will forgive you if you apologize (confess) and attempt to right your wrongs (repent). This, I feel, has seriously tainted how people raised in a christian culture view apologizes to each other. I was abused as a child. I have been told, many, many times to forgive. Forgive my abuser. Because that forgiveness makes you christ-like, right? My forgiveness matters. Not that my abusers ever apologized or even recognized the wrongs they did. But that doesn't matter. They even try to twist it. "Doesn't living with that anger twist your heart? Forgiveness is freeing! You don't have to carry it around!" Actually, no. It protects me. I have not and will not forgive them, even if they were sorry. It reminds me that I must never, ever go back. That I must treat people better than I was treated. But where am I going with this? In a Christian-centric perspective, an apology is assumed an absolution. You have apologized, therefore the other person not only forgives you, but your faults, your sins, your crime? Are wiped clean. As if you confessed to your god, apologizing to your friend for hurting their feelings, the harm you have caused has been erased. Christ has risen again, your friendship has been repaired. In a christian perspective, there is no harm that is irreparable or irredeemable. Christians Parents have forgiven their children's murderers. This is a perspective entirely alien and unfathomable to me. But in the eyes of their god, in their religion, they have done what is right and holy. Their relationship with their god is safe

But relationships with other people does not work that way. Your relationships with other people are not your relationship with your god. When you harm someone, and you apologize, you do not automatically get forgiveness. It's not assumed. Especially if it's a shitty fucking apology. I've seen some incredibly shitty apologies. Refusal to take any sort of responsibility, blaming their mental health, their variety of diagnosis, even blaming the person they've harmed for reacting to shitty behaviour.

It's entirely possible to apologize for only your part in a situation in which you have both done wrong. "I'm sorry for accusing you of X. I should not have assumed Y of you, and when I said Z I was out of line." The other person may have responded with hurtful or harmful things. Hell, they may have even started it. But your feelings, your reactions, your words, are all your own responsibility. I have friends with plenty of diagnosis. Bipolar disorder. RSD. ADHD. Autism. Depression. Anxiety. None of this has stopped them from being kind, thoughtful, caring people. It hasn't stopped them from checking in, from apologizing when accidentally causing harm. I also know people who use their diagnosis as a weapon. They have X, Y, Z diagnosis, that's why they behave like an asshole. They make being a selfish, self serving, and thoughtless asshole a part of their personality and insist that because of that you should just understand and accept that. And if, in the rare instance that type of person attempts to apologize, it's never a good one. It's always "Well, you made me mad." or "You upset/triggered/annoyed me". Don't get me wrong - triggers are big and valid and a whole other discussion - but it's a word that's thrown around sometimes as a shield to explain why someone is not responsible for being nasty to someone. I'm off in the weeds. The point I'm coming around to is that these people surround themselves with reasons why you cannot criticize their behaviour (to a reasonable degree, ofc) and then they apologize.

Which in a christian-centric society, they not only feel like should solve any interpersonal issues that came of the disagreement/argument/harm, but should absolve them. I've said absolution quite a few times. But what does it mean? It means that they believe that it removes any consideration from this in the past, or in the future. As far as they're concerned, it no longer ever happened, because they have been forgiven and it will not be brought up again, nor will it impact the relationship they have with the person they are apologizing to. This is not how relationships with people work. If you harm them, an apology will be considered a step towards repair. Changing your behaviour to not harm again is a big step in repairing the relationship and trust. If the person forgives you, it does not mean your behaviour will be forgotten. It means you're being given a chance to prove that you will be better. It does not mean that your behaviour will be forgotten and everything will time jump back to before you made a bad choice. And it does not mean you get to harm them again. Because if you keep behaving that way? Keep harming people in the same way over and over again? You're not actually apologizing. And if you keep the same behaviour repeatedly, you do not deserve forgiveness (or absolution), because it's proven that you don't mean it. You will just keep on going, over and over. And when that's the case? Well. People need to stay angry at you, to remind themselves that you do not mean your apologies. You just want the chance to harm them again.

[chubbymuffinclub]

aspoonfulofalice

you deserve more than pouring over restaurant menus for the option lowest in points or syns, whether you’ll actually enjoy it or not. you deserve more than using chemical-laden sprays instead of good olive oil and artificially-sweetened yogurt instead of greek with real honey. you deserve more than weekly weigh-ins and being asked ‘where did you go wrong this week?’ in a patronising simmer. you deserve more than tainted memories of birthdays, holidays and celebrations you spend desperately trying not to ‘fall off the wagon’. you deserve more than worrying about the syns in cough sweets, medicine syrups and sugar-coated painkillers even though you need them to get better. you deserve more than denying your pre-menstrual body the comfort and sustenance it craves each month, because it doesn’t fit with your plan. no matter what diet culture tells you, you are worth so much more than what you weigh – and ditching the diet club is the first step to truly showing your body and mind the respect they DO deserve. there’s a lot of comfort to be found in the community of diet clubs, and they’re designed to make you feel like you can’t ever leave – but i did, and it changed my life for the better. you deserve to experience that too 💕

[pisswizzard]

[ ID: Four screenshots containing a letter from Daniel Radcliffe that reads as follows: By Daniel Radcliffe. I realize that certain press outlets will probably want to paint this as in-fighting between J.K. Rowling and myself, but that is really not what this is about, nor is it what's important right now. While Jo is unquestioningly responsible for the course my life has taken, as someone who has been honored to work with and continues to contribute to The Trevor Project for the last decade, and just as a human being, I feel compelled to say something at this moment. / Transgender women are women. Any statement to the contrary erases the identity and dignity of transgender people and goes against all advice given by professional healthcare associations who have far more expertise on the subjct matter than either Jo or I. According to the Trevor Project, 78% of transgender and nonbinary youth reported being the subject of discrimination due to their gender identity. It's clear that we need to do more to support transgender and nonbinary people. not invalidate their identities, and not cause further harm. / I am still learning how to be a better ally, so if you want to join me in learning more about transgender and nonbinary identities check out The Trevor Project's Guide to Being an Ally to Transgender and Nonbinary Youth. It'san introductory educational resource that covers a wide range of topics, including the differences between sex and gender, and shares best practices on how to support transgender and nonbinary people. / To all the people who feel that their experience of the books has been tarnished or diminished, I am deeply sorry for the pain these comments have caused you. I really hope that you don't entirely lose what was valuable in these stories to you. If these books taught you that love is the strongest force in the universe, capable of overcoming anything; if they taught you that strength is found in diversity, and that dogmatic ideas of pureness lead to oppression of vulnerable groups; if you believe that a particular character is trans, nonbinary, or gender fluid, or that they are gay or bisexual; if you found anything in these stories that resonated with you and helped you at any time in your life - then that is between you and the book that you read, and it is sacred. And in my opinion, nobody can touch that. It means to you what it means to you, and I hope that these comments will not taint that too much. Love always, Dan / There is one final image of a head shot of Daniel smiling at the camera, with one arm folded over the other. /end ID. ]

Also a good time to remind folks that Dan is Jewish. While he may be an ally to the queer community rather than a member of it, his perspective on the ongoing bigotry and vitriol spewing from JKR is assuredly coming from an equally personal place and I have no doubt that he has likely also feel deep, personal pain over the direction that her views and the entire franchise has taken.

The Jewish community here on tumblr was the first to warn us about the underlying rot about a decade ago and the first to believe the trans community when we started saying "hey wtf is going on with JKR's twitter lately; she's getting really transphobic."

daniel radcliffe calling out j.k. rowling on her bullshit is big dick energy

[joemuggs]

How To....

A couple of years back on Twitter, someone was asking me if I had practical tips for anyone who wanted to start music reviewing – as I started to reply I realised they’d be worth saving so I posted them as a thread. Now I’m deleting my Twitter archive I thought I’d save a few highlights, including this. And then this week I did a lecture for some music industry students, and added a few bits to it that cropped up in the conversations with them. So here you go!

The main answer is: do some of your own reviews on a blog, Substack, YouTube, even TikTok for a bit – or if you can find something like a local listings site or uni magazine that will take a couple even better. If you are then contacting editors of bigger mags, that’s a really great showcase: however small or amateur the platform is, you have at least been published. This is also something you can send to PRs to get press tickets or pre-release copies of records. 

I know we're supposed to say “never write for free” but I think fundamentalism on “that issue sometimes puts people off getting started. Obviously it's bad if it's a company that could afford to pay but doesn't, but community / fanzine / college mags etc are great places to cut your teeth and though it’s become a dirty word “exposure” genuinely is valuable if you’re trying to get a foot on the ladder.

Then track down reviews editors for publications, and email suggesting upcoming records you're interested in with a VERY SHORT precis of why they're interesting at this specific time for this specific publication, and including link to your already-published stuff, whether on your own blog or another publication. Don't send a generic pitch to everyone, but one for each publication showing you understand their specific angles, house style and requirements. 

Don't expect a reply but don't take no reply as a “no”, either. Feel free to give a nudge a week later, but don't hassle repeatedly. Rather, if you don't hear back after a reminder, again it's not a “no” – again, editors are always swamped and may not even have seen it – but move on, and try another pitch another time, when you've got a really good one.

All of this is something you’ll have to repeat throughout your working life, no matter how established you get. Pitches WILL get ignored, that’s just life, and it is not a reflection on you. You need to develop thick skin on that. This is tough, writers are very prone to rejection sensitivity. But persistence and repetition will get you partially used to it... eventually. 

Style is a whole other subject really – there are lots of basics like “say what you see”, “don't write it if you wouldn't say it”, “use fewer adjectives” etc (and really, take these to heart) – but the ideas and understanding are more important. If you have sharp or original understanding of the records you’re talking about, AND show you understand the particular publication and its ethos too, a good editor should clock that, and be forgiving of, or willing to work with, stylistic quirks.

Sometimes it'll take a lot of pitches for them to notice, so persistence is good, but don't oversell yourself. Just have good ideas. And LISTEN TO THE MUSIC. Each time you write or pitch a review, start with what you’re hearing, not your preconceptions of the artist, genre or context. This is also an important thing to cultivate in terms of not getting jaded: if you privilege the experience of listening to music over your own theoretical framework or assumptions, it will keep you in touch with what you loved about it in the first place, and stop you going round in ever decreasing circles creatively.

And one annoying but important one: don't get bitter. People will always leapfrog ahead of you based on having more privilege and connections; there will always be people in influential positions who fail to register your potential. It's good and right to note that, be angered by it, and sometimes call it out. But don't let it eat away at YOU or taint your view of the value of good media and the value of what you do. 

Talk to other freelancers, mostly they're v supportive and there are at least as many ppl who'll actively help you deal with those iniquities as there are who perpetrate them. Even aside from that, chance plays a huge part. All the stars can align and yet it “never quite gets going, then at other times something seemingly inconsequential can be a massive breakthrough. 

It took me a good decade from getting byline in national publication to being more-or-less full time in writing and music, and the industry was considerably more forgiving back then. You have to constantly work on having faith on yourself, and just relentless, repetitive graft, to get anywhere and often it feels like it's for nothing.

But again it comes back to your ideas. Is your engagement with the subject for real: do you have something you want to communicate about it, and will you enjoy the often tiring and mundane process of hammering that idea into a clear and concise form? If so, hang onto that core thing and it'll get you through a lot.

And this relates back to being clear about your motives and not getting jaded: if you are serious about the craft, time spent writing and/or pitching is never time wasted. Opportunities may be fewer now but if you care about music (or indeed whatever your chosen topic) and about communicating then honing that craft by repetition, learning the difference between having something to say and just showboating, learning to take criticism, developing ideas over time etc: all these things are valuable personally, valuable as a growing writer, and transferable to the workplace, academia etc.

[kauma-kardia]

"What do you think it means to be human?" Twins @ anyone

"Well, that's a question. It depends on whether or not you care to get semantic about it. I prefer to use the term Mortal because it's a little more inclusive when talking about different species, as humanity is vain and often tries to claim a title that should extend to all sentient beings, so when I say 'Human' here, know that I mean all those capable of independent thought and the capacity for a complex range of emotional and logical perception. Feelings, to a certain extent, though I don't exclude on experience of different dimensions and different or limited ranges of experience doesn't absolve you of your 'humanity'. Otherwise, acting humanely is what I like to call 'living to meet your greatest self, with respect and honor given to those around you to do the same'."

"I know you guys have seen a lot of world's filth early on and I respect that, but if you ask me, I can't help but see Humanity as The Potential for Growth, which I see as a good thing. It may not always lead to greater good, nor might it end up doing good in the long run, but at the very least, it is well-meaning because if you look at people's actions, everyone is motivated innately toward doing what they think is best. Usually best for themselves, but there's nothing wrong with seeking fulfillment and enlightenment by itself. The issue with what is typically deemed as 'Evil' is that good intention gets lost in translation. Not everyone is able to see the world clearly, whether it be blurred vision, fogged up goggles, rose-tinted glasses, worn scratched-up lenses. Some combination of a person's experience is gained navigating through life. Even a life with no other people in it would not lead to a life free from hurt. People pick up hurt through adversity, even if that adversity is meant to help shape them into who it is that they want to be. And because they're hurt, and because hurt is cyclical and hurts others in kind, there's no way that you living your best life isn't going to bother someone else. So what do we do when we feel hurt? Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn. Negativity at its core is a person's desire for self-preservation, but it taints one's vision, to see what it is they want, and what the people around them want. And the hard part about it is: Those who lack often do not know what it is they lack, misjudge their shortcomings, or do not even know that they lack at all. Everything gets muddied by everyone trying to make their own way, stumbling through life, and trying to balance sanity, rationality, and cordiality."

"Though if you ask me how I personally feel, I think it's less important than you might think. As I get older, my tolerance for unjust situations and my confidence in my ability to judge a person's situation wavers, or at the very least, biases towards a person's given situation. But that won't stop me from doing what I think is right, and I'm sure that's how everyone else feels to some extent. Culture often designates how they feel about something, and everyone's journey is different but as long as you try to account for your behavior and remain curious and continue interrogate your prejudices and predispositions, you'll find yourself naturally leaning toward becoming a better person. Making sure you have others in your life to bounce your thoughts off of will also ensure you remain grounded and don't lose yourself. Make friends with similar interests. Live authentically but not without criticism. Judge your actions, not your feelings. Loving and letting go don't have to be mutually exclusive. Communicating clearly, or as clearly as you can, and be patient when it comes to things you don't understand. As a matter of fact, be curious about them. Doing these things are a good jumping off point toward becoming a Good Human, I think."

" 'All things in moderation and making sure your environment can keep you balanced and hold you accountable' was Great Papa Valémede, my grandfather's advice to life, and while it sounds like oversimplifying, it's not bad when you're looking to reevalute your current situation. It's helped me look at things that needed to be done, or whenever I fucked up. Oh, and uh.. I'm not sure how much this might have helped but I did try to answer honestly. "

[tasmiq]

Jumu'ah Sohbet: 31 May 2024

I begin with gratitude for enabling us to swim in an ocean of unending spiritual learning. Shukran Ya Allah × to the fitting count of His infinite nature, Bismillah (in, for, and with Allah's name) ...

#1. Shaykh Nishaat seemlessly reflected that we had just read Surah Fatiha, the line of 'Sirat al-Mustaqim' and 'wala al-daaleen'. When we consider it against the Sufi path, 'Sirat al-Mustaqim' represents the heart, soul / ruh which follows the straight path, and 'wala al-daaleen' represents the lower-self or the nafs which leads us astray. The Sufi path is where Allah is chosen in every thought and outer action. For instance, we may get lost in worshipping Salah as the means and not actually on Allah as the end, we thus lose our focus! The means becomes the focus, which makes us see how subtle the nafs is, where it can even taint our good actions by raising a sense of pride in our perceived goodness.

The question is, do we want a relationship with 'Sirat al-Mustaqim' or 'wala al-daaleen'? We must know what our everyday life is about. If we want something, did Allah want it for us? Our wants may become what we 'worship' in what we are fixated and focused on. If our wants are good for us, Allah will let us know! However, when life's events are not working out how we want, it is then easy to succumb to despair. We can't then identify our wants as 'Sirat al-Mustaqim' when Allah doesn't want it for us. As Sufis, we have to ask ourselves in every moment - what does Allah want, and whether He is pleased with It? That involves looking within into our morals and conscience at Allah's voice, which speaks to us. It creates a certainty in our desires, and what matters most is what Allah wants.

Allah will let us know, and if He doesn't want it for us - are we going to accept it? It may seem difficult living our lives without our wants materialising, but it's actually not that hard. It involves looking within into our morals and conscience at Allah's voice, which speaks to us. It directs us in our thoughts, actions, and wants. It's actually about what Allah wants. Whatt if we're in a situation where Allah is enacting something that He wants but that we don't. We have to look at how we live our lives and what our relationship is with Allah. We have to remember that not everything is going to go our way, and if it doesn't, it isn't a reflection of our relationship with Allah. If Allah doesn't want us to have something, then we should be Eyvallah (as He wishes!) and okay with it. In any case, everything belongs to Allah!

#2. Anne resumed her mystical wonder of speaking about the face of Allah, which is mentioned in Qur'an and Hadith. I am left in tearful gratitude that in the moment that our Prophet SAW spoke with Allah face-to-face on Laylatul Mi'raj, his blessed being was thinking of us, for this to be possible for all his ummah (community) and humanity, which Allah accepted. As Allah's khalifa (vicegerants) with various capabilities, us Sufis are committed to lifelong learning through oneself, nature around us, including the world and contemplating on it in our heart. Yunus Emre said that if we don't know ourselves, what good is any other kind of learning...? That is because there is something in us, in our hearts, in our deeper selves that has a lot to teach us.

One of the secrets that we share with Allah is seeing His face. Allah says that, "However my devotee sees Me, it is how I am to them." It is ultimately about surrendering to Allah, doing what He wants us to do, and doing everything sincerely and with joy. Why else do we feel a sense of peace when we connect to our hearts? Why else do we feel rejuvenated when we experience a haal (a temporary state of consciousness) with Allah? It is because that is what Allah is; peace, joy, and unity. To be able to experience and witness Allah in this world should be our prime purpose, in what is and what is not Allah.

Anger and grief can be for good or bad things, and our job is to choose to accept the experience of Allah in its entirety. We should experience Allah's grief, joy and appreciate Allah's face in the situation. We should be cognisant of Allah's hand reaching out to us. We will love it more when Allah's gaze is on us. Allah says that wherever we turn our face to, Allah's face is there!

#3. Next, Anne captured our spiritual hearts by relating Allah's poetry. As we become familiar with Allah's names and attributes, we must remember that they are infinite qualities. It is equally important to remember that Allah keeps reiterating that, "My mercy surpasses My wrath." When we are reading Surah Yasin in English, we see mercy and kindness being emphasised. If we want to see the face of Allah, the mystery of the universe that is mentioned as an open secret, we must know that our way goes through mercy and kindness.

Allah says in the Qur'an that if all the seas were ink and all the trees were pens, we still couldn't count His blessings. Allah's blessings encompasses what we can and cannot comprehend. The best blessing is considered as Allah's guidance, which can be through the Qur'an but the best guidance is 1-to-1, through our hearts. The most important guidance that I have received in my life is threefold:

i. The transition from the design world into the service of mankind through Development Studies, given that I missed my calling into medicine. Allah recrafted a way ahead to nourish my soul.

ii. The courage to marry your Abbu, which was Divinely ordained from the get-go to where we are now, into my 6th living year since our accident.

iii. My post-accident life which is unfolding gloriously by the moment, in spite of my past tendency to be doom and gloom.

#4. At one point, Anne spoke about a 19 year old dervish sitting depressed in a seaside location, who said, "Oh Allah, I don't know you! I want to know that you can hear me, please send me a sign." It was another Hazrat Ibrahim AS story where he also sought a sign, Anne reflected. As your own Ammu at the tender age of 8 where she spoke to Allah and asked Him to move the curtains, which was silly in retrospect because this was after Allah alone saved her from drowning in her Nanu's pond in Bangladesh, and post-accident, after Allah alone saved her from a car accident!

Anne said that, because Allah created us from His dzat (essence), in one's worldly things, we are always missing something! This is because our beings yearn to be with Allah, but the 19-year-old dervish didn't know what and who to relate to. She was yearning for a sign and an answer to her question about the purpose of life. The next day, her mum and her had a dramatic car accident, but Allah made her able to raise herself from misfortune as the happiest she'd ever been! It's just as if Anne was describing my childhood journey into adulthood to this very point. Yes, we also have a dramatic accident too, but this is the deepest that I have surrendered to loving Allah in spite of it - when I am least able; physically and materially!

#5. The mu'min (believer) is a reflection of Al-Mu'min (The Believer). We must reflect Allah's sifaat (qualities / characteristics) as a mirror.

Shaykh Nishaat echoed this statement during a Sufi Learning Circle, which seared deeply into my mind and heart. What would our prime Believer hold belief in, I was left wondering?! Of course, us! Why else would He persist in recreating different ages of mankind after their rightful demise? This is why seeing Allah's love as a preeminent force makes sense:

Ya Shakur Ya Wadud (Divine gratitude for Your love)

We must, therefore, strive to reciprocate His love with our love by following His rights and wrongs, insha'Allah. With the safety net of knowing that He is Ar-Rahman (The Merciful) and Ar-Raheem (The Source of mercy) - Subhana'Allah (Divine glory!)

Above: A beautiful source relaying some of the kinds of Allah's love exemplified in the holy Qur'an.

In conclusion, this is where I thank you for helping me to distill this immense wisdom that I have been blessed to contemplate deeply by reflecting it against my own life experiences. I pray that Allah rewards you with guidance to the truth with ease, for the support that you have graced me with:

Ya Hadi Ya Haq Ya Latif

[hummelig]

fandoms & growing up

Soo. I am not really sure if that will make a lot of sense, but I think I'm now kinda able to verbalize these thoughts and feelings I've been having for well over 2 years and it would mean the world to me if there's someone who can relate to that.

So, as a lot of tumblr users, I got into fandom culture pretty young (like 11 years old). And at that age, you get easily influenced by everything and your mind just fixates on stuff. Like Books, YouTubers, Bands, etc. And as a child, I spent all my free time either consuming content about that thing I was obsessed with, giving other people an hour long rant about that thing, or search the world wide web for people who also like it.

I am person whose most important thing is human connection. I strive for it, I change myself and lie just to receive it (I'm working on that part dw), but I still never was really popular and always felt like an outsider kinda.

But back then it didn't matter to me (I was even proud of it), because being in those fandom groups gave me such a strong feeling of belonging and security, that I didn't need outside validation, I was being appreciated just for liking the things I did. I didn't care that people found me cringe, that I was maybe a bit of a nuisance by screaming "(ship) is real" or singing along to pop songs with their respective tumblr parodies, because the people in my phone thought I was cool and funny and that's what mattered to me.

But then, creepingly, something changes. And you cant really put a finger to it until its too late. Its normal that certain group chats go silent, but you just go look for new ones. Its normal your interest in something starts to fade, but in a week you've got a new show that you're obsessed with and the circle repeats. But searching for new groups becomes less and less a priority in the mess that is your teenage life with new responsibilities and dreams, and you become less obsessed with stuff and over the years you become just a normal enjoyer. If you happen to join fan groups, you loose interest pretty quickly. Talking only about that one thing is boring, people now need more than the same interests to become a friend.

The less internet friends you have, the more you look around yourself in the real world. And while you were so caught up in the magical world of your laptop, others made solidified relationships, went to therapy and overcame their mental illneses, and assimilated to start a good life as an adult. And xou dont belong. You feel alienated, dont really know how to do it like them, and because you didnt care about how you presented yourself, your reputation is already tainted.

(Which is fair in my case, because if I met my previous self I would find her cringe and annoying and overbearing, too)

Now you kinda dont belong in either world. You'd love to go back to your previous stuff; completely loosing yourself in something is such a freeing experience- concentrating your energy on that one thing while also getting a strong sense of community. But somehow you're unable to now, you have so much stuff to concentrate on, so many worries, you're too self aware to run away from your mental problems now.

So you look for community in the real world, but everything there seems too boring for you, you hate talking 24/7 in a moderate way about relationships, school drama, jobs, health stuff. No excited rambling, no ones eyes lighting up when the get to talk about their obsession. But you are also too boring now to be in fan groups or the be friends with people who are unapologetically themselves, because suddenly you care about how people perceive you.

And now it just feels like somethings missing. You always swore you would never be like those adults, who didn't have any strong feelings anymore, just moderance, but you get just like them. You don't get mad anymore if someone disses your favorite show or ship. When people ask you about it, you don't give them a 2 hour rant (powerpoint presentation included), but a short, 2 minute summary, because you know now it might not be interesting to them.

And suddenly you binge cringe compilations, which often consist of fandom people making questionable posts or those who think theyre half animal (not furries, I think they call themselves therians?) and you're like "damn cringe", but really you're super jealous because those people, have something they're super passionate about and put themselves out there. And you feel sorry for being such a hater bc ultimately it doesn't matter if someone runs around on their fours and hisses at people, as long as they're nice.

I mean I still try to seem like my old self, I wear a backpack with anime and meme pins, I start rants, I wear merchandise. But my hearts not in it. I feel self conscious. But I don't know if that's because that identity doesn't fit me anymore, or because Im too insecure and want the rl people to find me.

If I lived in a big city, stuff would be different. There would be rl fandom meetups and I could just look for community easier. But I live in an extremely rural area, I never really fit in here, the internet was my save haven. My school is an hour away, but still really really rural. No fan stuff. Maybe a few people who also were in fandoms, but also kinda grew out ig. I tell myself, when I move away, I will finally find people I belong to. But maybe I've became too boring, too judgy for those people.

For example, Ive always felt drawn to people who dressed really alternative like goths, but I think they could see how insecure I was, how my desire to be liked by everyone often became toxic, and stayed away. Maybe its the same way when I finally get away from here. Will I be able to commit to being with people out of the stupid norm again even though people will find me cringe, and not include me in their social circles? Idk.

And I long for the community I felt back then, made a tumblr, started reading Homestuck bc it was such an internet phenomenon. But I'm only a bystander, I dint have any rants to post about my favorite shows, and while Homestuck is an ok read, I cant nearly get into it as all the others did that read it.

Maybe Im too grown for some stuff now and that makes me sad. I never really tried to be like my fav anime character or roleplayed as them, all things that would make me feel cringe and also kinda bored now, but I wish I had experienced them. I wish, even in my fandom times, I wouldn't have been so insecure to express myself. And now its kinda too late? I am so envious of everyone with cringey phases they can laugh about now, I don't have many because I was too afraid. And Im still too afraid even though I act like I am not and idk. I just wish I was like 13 again.

tldr: I wanna be cringe gain without fearing others opinion but I'm too self conscious and adulting this that I wanna be a child again cry cry

[hershadows]

We live short lives, and so we cannot be too giving of that limited time we have. We are here so that the universe can experience itself, and while every moment is important and special, we have the power to influence what those moments look like. People who aren't aware of just how special this life is don't deserve to sap away your energy for their own validation. We have to respect ourselves enough not to allow our energy to be wasted. And we must respect each other enough not to bring one another down or take their precious energy.

When you come to my home, I ask that you leave behind your gossip, your toxicity, your grudges and hatred.

When you call or text me know that you are coming into my time, which I have so little of, and so I hope that you have considered this and decided the message was important or that you truly want to connect.

This is not to say that you should feel bad for talking to people or reaching out, not at all! Communication is so important! But it matters greatly WHAT you say, WHEN you reach out, and HOW it comes across. A wise person who I can't recall the name of once said "Speak only if it improves upon the silence." I think of this every time I talk to someone, because being aware of what we feel and knowing what will come out of our mouths can potentially stop us from bogging someone else down with drama, gossip, or bad energy. We can choose to influence peoples energy by speaking with mindfulness. There is a time and place for all energy, emotions, and conversation, but there are also times when saying certain things can really damage a person's energy. For example, you may really want to talk about how much you don't like your boss for whatever reasons, but complaining to your coworkers at the start of your shift is going to negatively impact everyone's attitude for the day, and you've potentially tainted a person's reputation with other people. Instead, save that conversation for another time!

Remember, you don't owe ANYBODY your time or energy. Not your parents, not your friends, not your spouse. When you give them time and energy, it should be out of love and choice. Obligation can be a dangerous and toxic thing as it forces us to give what we don't have, to provide energy with little return. I don't keep people in my life who cannot respect me, and neither should you. And likewise, I will do my best to watch the energy I give off to others.

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[sonnenreich]

“You have no idea,” the witcher waved off, almost annoyed by this fact. The forest was indeed very abundant when it came to revealing peculiarities. Although it mostly concerned plants and herbs, much less so fairy possessions. If it were otherwise, his belief in the existence of fairy creatures would probably not have been tainted by prejudice.

“Well, if they had wanted something from me, they should have worded their wishes better. Or it just got left behind.” He shrugged. Confusion replaced his earlier cheerful talkativeness. The origin of the paper was much less important to him than where it led. In general, the blond man focused far too much on details that, in Zeev's eyes, were of secondary importance. Actually, even tertiary.

He sighed heavily, as if the entire conversation had become far too exhausting. As if it were physically affecting him. Maybe even more than that. Maybe it wasn’t just a feeling.

“I can only speak for myself, but as far as my mama has taught me, blood is necessary to survive,” he explained with a resurfacing smile, mirroring Wendell's expression as if deciding on a less verbal form of communication. “I’m interested in anything that is beyond what I know of magic and its scope.” He wasn’t lying, but it wasn’t the entire truth either. “Magical properties of this supposedly intensity and potency are groundbreaking for me.”

Something wasn’t right, that much Zeev was sure. It reminded him of the cogency of the Coven, an inherited aura coercing openness and honesty out of each and every individual. Something he wasn’t immune to, despite being of their kind. He had just grown accustomed to it. Right now though it felt similar and yet entirely different. He was lucky enough to have some sort of experience to avoid blurting out every detail of truth, giving him other truths instead. It wasn’t like Zeev was ashamed of it, but he knew that it was never beneficial to reveal his tendencies to use darker sort of magic. Something that had come to bite his ass as expected yet ignored. 

“As a matter of fact I actually do not. Academical priorities, goals and inducements are beyond me, but I do not mind much even if they were not.” The reasons of others had little influence on his own. It would be disappointing to say the least if the Professor declined, especially since Zeev hated to put too much effort into things that were fruitless. 

Zeev schmunzelte. “Only the vague can be specified when looked at closely, depending on the case really. Can’t have others think their wishes do not suit my expertise by being too detailed.” Upon hearing the words of the Professor, Zeev couldn't help but narrow his eyes. “How can a portal go missing?” he wondered, but not denying anything yet. “Can’t say I ever did, but I’m intrigued to try.”

As very far descendants of the fair-folk, witches inherit just a glimpse of the magical abilities they had, rendering them mostly harmless. Most witches, like his family, did not reach beyond the mastery of green witchery, tending to nature and its wonders. Zeev however had always aspired to realise his full potential, usually resorting to tools that weren’t considered good. But wasn’t that just a matter of perspective?

“What’s so special about that portal and where does it lead to?” he asked, his curiosity kicking back in, feeling the unnatural pressure subside after his change of the subject. "Is it something physical?"

"That's a shame," Wendell responds, his voice low and morose. "Mushroom tarts sound lovely right now." He's as sincere as he is food-driven, though he's not sure a recipe would be of much help to either of them, seeing as his own cooking skills are lackluster, borderline nonexistent. He flips the paper over and looks at the back, which appears to be blank, save from what appears to be a grass stain. "Were you hungry when you last picked up this sheet? I'm wondering if it's enchanted to show you what it is you need." Though they've already established that Zeev isn't in need of anything this flask would offer - at least not personally.

Dr. Bambleby places the paper back on the table between them and lowers his head to the table, so that he's looking at the drawing sideways. When his repositioning yields no results, he frowns and signals the bartender to bring another round of drinks.

"Do you find strange pieces of paper in the woods often?" he asks, folding his hands in his lap, clearly not convinced that Zeev has managed to forget entirely the story behind the artifact. "Surely you don't think the Folk go around leaving little breadcrumb trails and mysteries for mortals to piece together. Not unless they want something from you, of course."

He can't stay irritated for long. Surely Spindle has reason to withhold information and he can't particularly fault him for that. A man with no ties to dryadology with a wish to find an object with a potential to hold such potent magic is rare indeed.

But Wendell's always been curious and he's far more likely to be of help if he's not in the dark as to why help is required.

"I must not be following. Why is it that your blood is so important to you?" He leans in across the table, tracing the lines of the drawing delicately while fixing Zeev with the most charming of smiles. "Why don't you explain why you're so set on finding the tears?" Between that smile and those enticingly gorgeous green eyes of his, why wouldn't Zeev be compelled to answer? "What do you intend to use them for?" The man across the table can act as unbothered as he wants, but he wouldn't have sought out Wendell if he didn't want to expedite the process.

He can't help but chuckle at the notion that he'd need the tears for himself. Sure, any of his colleagues would be salivating over the thought of such powerful faerie magic, yet he couldn't be less interested in harnessing it for himself. It sounds so very tedious and he has other means of achieving the same results if there ever came a day that youth and beauty needed to bestowed on... No, even his potential partners had no need for either. "I'm sure I'd be asked to present at the International Conference of Dryadology and Experimental Folklore again if I were to discover such an artifact and then subsequently write a paper, but..." Now it's time for Wendell to adopt the same nonchalance that Zeev has been exhibiting all evening. "But I've got a long list of topics I'd much rather write about and the flask would unfortunately fall to the very bottom of the list. I'm sure you understand."

Wendell hasn't stopped tracing the drawing on the paper with his finger, but he very suddenly flinches, his eyes darkening. Now that's interesting...

"Solving problems and overcoming obstacles sounds incredibly vague. I'm not sure it's an even deal." He slides the paper toward him and gives it another once-over. "Unless you're at all capable of finding a missing portal to Faerie."