#my ex best friend really fucked up my perception of friendships and how much people care for me

[sweetpaintedladie]

my friend whose in college came to visit me while he’s on thanksgiving break and he found me a copy of playback by tom petty and the heartbreakers on vhs and i literally cannot comprehend how sweet that was 😭<3 it’s in such perfect condition too

[blogfromthedead]

May 23rd, 2024.

Hi, Evie here.

It's been a while. I didn't end up posting on my birthday like I had promised. It's kind of funny, the first commitment I make to this blog and I immediately turn away from it. So in the future I will not hold myself to committing. Sorry if the gap in time was concerning. It's not time for that, not yet at least, so I'm okay physically.

It's an awkward realization I've come to realize that I feel significantly less lonely… when I am alone. with no commitments to others, with no one near me or in my ears. Only total isolation. It's not always like this, but as of recent I've been turning down most invitations to hang out. Of course there's been a few exceptions, one I'd like to talk about in a moment, but I think this time alone has been and will forever be important to me. I don't know why. I don't know if I like it either. But… I feel happy.

I wonder if this craving for isolation is because I don't feel truly 'around'. I feel alienated or I can feel the weight of a perception of me that truthfully isn't there. It's asphyxiating. I think there are maybe two people in this world that I am able to let down my guard, if only a bit, and relax fully in comfort. We'll call them A and S. I met S first, pretty soon after my break-up with my ex's in a public social hub for trans people. We where both new to this community and had immediately shared interest in a funny cartoonish FPS. We kind of hit it off immediately. S is nonbinary, uses they/them pronouns. They've been an important figure in my life since my break up, and probably the first person I felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. They accepted me when it felt like the world couldn't. They're an important voice in my life and I treasure them very much. For the longest time I wanted a 'best friend'. I think I found one in S.

Oddly enough, a similar story is told with A. I met A through said cartoonish FPS. I was originally flirting with A's friend when we had met due to them having a pretty funny username. I was also admittedly going through the woes of a break up and losing a large portion of both physical and mental intimacy, so it leaked out into my social life when I met people for awhile. So after accidently flustering A's friend, they both saw me as an interesting person and soon enough I found myself on their friends list. Soon enough I was in their semi-private group-chat.

A is also trans, uses she/her pronouns. At first I wasn't really sure what to make of A. She was anxious to meet new people, it was written all over her when she met me. She was often blunt with her feelings, and often lacked tact. She very much spoke her mind and it could often times upset those around her, although I never mind this about her. I like the honesty she provides, and I guess that allowed for me to take an interest in her. Soon enough, after awhile of bonding, our relationship soon reflected how I felt about S. I feel safe and comfortable to be at least a little vulnerable with her. She's an incredibly intelligent person (even works for NASA, what the fuck.) but also someone who tries to look out for everyone in her own way. She can be pretty hard on herself at times, wayyy too hard. She's not perfect by any means, but I hope in our friendship I can act as a voice of reason when she doubts herself.

Only around these two, do I not feel alienated or lonely. They both mean a lot to this lonely girl. I want to make more friends like them, and preferably not online. That being said, I do actually have a few IRL mutuals but… my relationship with them is awkward to say the least. They're all friends with both of my ex's, and I had met them all through one of them. Me being me, I don't want to harm or strain either of my ex's relationships, so I've inadvertently removed myself 'as a friend'. I know this behavior isn't fair to myself or them. I know.

I've always been self-destructive. I am glad I can realize it now, but it feels much like watching a car accident in real time. You can clearly see the cars collide, or maybe even have the precognition to know that they where going to before hand. But the cars will collide, at least for now. I mean, this is a blog written by a person who wants to die and is planning to. Can't expect too much reason I suppose.

For today, I'd like to talk about one of those IRL mutuals. J, he/him. J is a large boisterous person. Both literally and figuratively. Guys like almost 7 feet tall, and his laughter will permeate an entire room by itself. He's a big softie and maybe a little ignorant at times but I do cherish these things about him. Recently J had invited me to hang out and get some food. I felt like this would be a nice way to get out of the room and out of my house, so I obliged. It was wonderful. We got some cheap pizza from a local halal restaurant and relaxed at a park. Unexpectedly, he broke out a heart to heart with me. The chasm I had made with him and the others was a noticeable one, and it felt good to know that it was noticed. It also helped me realize the guilt I had with my actions. I know I am being unfair, but he didn't make me feel like I was.

Genuine sympathy and empathy for me. I'm… not familiar with that and yet J had displayed it for me very suddenly. We weren't necessarily close before this either. Most of our time previously was spent playing video games and talking about silly topics strung around by whatever was talked about at the time in that group. Needless to say I was shocked he reached out to me, asked me how I was doing, and if I was ok.

Given the nature of this blog, it is easy to deduce that I am in fact not okay. I am aware that I am a very mentally unwell person but I do not want to make that anyone else's problem. I did air out a few of my thoughts in regards to my ex's and opened up about my reservations and cause of distance. It felt fair to do so. He understood, he accepted it all. I did not say much more past that, and on the surface I still appear 'normal' in a way. I wonder if I will ever find somebody that I can be completely bare with.

Am I yearning for love? Probably. That's probably what this is. I've learned quite a bit about myself in these past 6 months. I no longer had a relationship to hide myself in. No reason to keep up the façade now. I still very much struggle being vulnerable with somebody. One day I will peel the egg, so to speak.

It feels great to write these blogs again.

That's all for today I think.

Thanks for stopping by if you see this, and I hope things are going well for you.

Have a great day. Have a great night.

[hexalt]

CW for discussion of suicide

- She's the crazy ex-girlfriend - What? No, I'm not. - She's the crazy ex-girlfriend - That's a sexist term! - She's the crazy ex-girlfriend - Can you guys stop singing for just a second? - She's so broken insiiiiiide! - The situation's a lot more nuanced than that!

There’s the essay! You get it now. JK.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is the culmination of Rachel Bloom’s YouTube channel (and the song “Fuck Me, Ray Bradbury” in particular where she combined her lifelong obsession with musical theatre and sketch comedy and Aline Brosh McKenna stumbling onto Bloom’s channel one night while having an idea for a television show that subverted the tropes in scripts she’d been writing like The Devil Wears Prada and 27 Dresses.

The show begins with a flashback to teenage Rebecca Bunch (played by Bloom) at summer camp performing in South Pacific. She leaves summer camp gushing about the performance, holding hands with the guy she spent all summer with, Josh Chan. He says it was fun for the time, but it’s time to get back to real life. We flash forward to the present in New York, Rebecca’s world muted in greys and blues with clothing as conservative as her hair.

She’s become a top tier lawyer, a career that she doesn’t enjoy but was pushed into by her overprotective, controlling mother. She’s just found out she’s being promoted to junior partner, and that’s just objectively, on paper fantastic, right?! ...So why isn’t she happy? She goes out onto the streets in the midst of a panic attack, spilling her pills all over the ground, and suddenly sees an ad for butter asking, “When was the last time you were truly happy?” A literal arrow and beam of sunlight then point to none other than Josh Chan. She strikes up a conversation with him where he tells her he’s been trying to make it in New York but doesn’t like it, so he’s moving back to his hometown, West Covina, California, where everyone is just...happy.

The word echoes in her mind, and she absorbs it like a pill. She decides to break free of the hold others have had over her life and turns down the promotion of her mother’s dreams. I didn’t realize the show was a musical when I started it, and it’s at this point that Rebecca is breaking out into its first song, “West Covina”. It’s a parody of the extravagant, classic Broadway numbers filled with a children’s marching band whose funding gets cut, locals joining Rebecca in synchronized song and dance, and finishing with her being lifted into the sky while sitting on a giant pretzel. This was the moment I realized there was something special here.

With this introduction, the stage has been set for the premise of the show. Each season was planned with an overall theme. Season one is all about denial, season two is about being obsessed with love and losing yourself in it, season three is about the spiral and hitting rock bottom, and season four is about renewal and starting from scratch. You can see this from how the theme songs change every year, each being the musical thesis for that season.

We start the show with a bunch of cliché characters: the crazy ex-girlfriend; her quirky sidekick; the hot love interest; his bitchy girlfriend; and his sarcastic best friend who’s clearly a much better match for the heroine. The magic of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is that no one in West Covina is the sum of their tropes. As Rachel says herself, “People aren’t badly written, people are made of specificities.”

The show is revolutionary for the authenticity with which it explores various topics but for the sake of this piece, we’ll discuss mental health, gender, Jewish identity, and sexuality. All topics that Bloom has dug into in her previous works but none better than here.

Simply from the title, many may be put off, but this is a story that has always been about deconstructing stereotypes. Rather than being called The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, where the story would be from an outsider’s perspective, this story is from that woman’s point of view because the point isn’t to demonize Rebecca, it’s to understand her. Even if you hate her for all the awful things she’s doing.

The musical numbers are shown to be in Rebecca’s imagination, and she tells us they’re how she processes the world, but as she starts healing in the final season, she isn’t the lead singer so often anymore and other characters get to have their own problems and starring roles. When she does have a song, it’s because she’s backsliding into her former patterns.

While a lot of media will have characters that seem to have some sort of vague disorder, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend goes a step further and actually diagnoses Rebecca with Borderline Personality Disorder, while giving her an earnest, soaring anthem. She’s excited and relieved to finally have words for what’s plagued her whole life.

When diagnosing Rebecca, the show’s team consulted with doctors and psychiatrists to give her a proper diagnosis that ended up resonating with many who share it. BPD is a demonized and misunderstood disorder, and I’ve heard that for many, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is the first honest and kind depiction they’ve seen of it in media. Where the taboo of mental illness often leads people to not get any help, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend says there is freedom and healing in identifying and sharing these parts of yourself with others.

Media often uses suicide for comedy or romanticizes it, but Crazy Ex-Girlfriend explored what’s going through someone’s mind to reach that bottomless pit. Its climactic episode is written by Jack Dolgen (Bloom’s long-time musical collaborator, co-songwriter and writer for the show) who’s dealt with suicidal ideation. Many misunderstood suicide as the person simply wanting to die for no reason, but Rebecca tells her best friend, “I didn’t even want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. It’s like I was out of stories to tell myself that things would be okay.”

Bloom has never shied away from heavy topics. The show discusses in song the horrors of what women do to their bodies and self-esteem to conform to beauty standards, the contradiction of girl power songs that tell you to “Put Yourself First” but make sure you look good for men while doing it, and the importance of women bonding over how terrible straight men are are near and dear to her heart. This is a show that centers marginalized women, pokes fun at the misogyny they go through, and ultimately tells us the love story we thought was going to happen wasn’t between a woman and some guy but between her and her best friend.

I probably haven’t watched enough Jewish TV or film, but to me, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is the most unapologetic and relatable Jewish portrayal I’ve seen overall. From Rebecca’s relationship with her toxic, controlling mother (if anyone ever wants to know what my mother’s like, I send them “Where’s the Bathroom”) to Patti Lupone’s Rabbi Shari answering a Rebecca that doesn’t believe in God, “Always questioning! That is the true spirit of the Jewish people,” the Jewish voices behind the show are clear.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend continues to challenge our perceptions when a middle-aged man with an ex-wife and daughter realizes he’s bisexual and comes out in a Huey Lewis saxophone reverie. The hyper-feminine mean girl breaks up with her boyfriend and realizes the reason she was so obsessed with getting him to commit to her is the same reason she’s so scared to have female friends. She was suffering under the weight of compulsory heterosexuality, but thanks to Rebecca, she eventually finds love and friendship with women.

This thread is woven throughout the show. Many of the characters tell Rebecca when she’s at her lowest of how their lives would’ve never changed for the better if it wasn’t for her. She was a tornado that blew through West Covina, but instead of leaving destruction in her wake, she blew apart their façades, forcing true introspection into what made them happy too.

Rebecca’s story is that of a woman who felt hopeless, who felt no love or happiness in her life, when that’s all she’s ever wanted. She tried desperately to fill that void through validation from her parents and random men, things romantic comedies had taught her matter most but came up empty. She tried on a multitude of identities through the musical numbers in her mind, seeing herself as the hero and villain of the story, and eventually realized she’s neither because life doesn’t make narrative sense.

It takes her a long time but eventually she sees that all the things she thought would solve her problems can’t actually bring her happiness. What does is the real family she finds in West Covina, the town she moved to on a whim, and finally having agency over herself to use her own voice and tell her story through music.

The first words spoken by Rebecca are, “When I sang my solo, I felt, like, a really palpable connection with the audience.” Her last words are, “This is a song I wrote.” This connection with the audience that brought her such joy is something she finally gets when she gets to perform her story not to us, the TV audience, but to her loved ones in West Covina. Rebecca (and Rachel) always felt like an outcast, West Covina (and creating the show) showed her how cathartic it is to find others who understand you.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is the prologue to Rebecca’s life and the radical story of someone getting better. She didn’t need to change her entire being to find acceptance and happiness, she needed to embrace herself and accept love and help from others who truly cared for her. Community is what she always needed and community is what ultimately saved her.

*

P.S. If you have Spotify... I also process life through music, so I made some playlists related to the show because what better way to express my deep affection for it than through song?

CXG parodies, references, and is inspired by a lot of music from all kinds of genres, musicals, and musicians. Same goes for the videos themselves. I gathered all of them into one giant playlist along with the show’s songs.

A Rebecca Bunch mix that goes through her character arc from season 1 to 4.

I’m shamelessly a fan of Greg x Rebecca, so this is a mega mix of themselves and their relationship throughout the show.

*

I’m in a TV group where we wrote essays on our favorite shows of the 2010s, so here is mine on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, I realized I forgot to ever post it. Also wrote one for Schitt’s Creek.

[crimsonhcadache]

      - ̗̀ NOW INTRODUCING:  IVES ❝ IVY ❞ SERRANO !

( DANNA PAOLA, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER, SCORPIO, 24 ) I just spotted IVES “IVY” SERRANO at the beach today. Don’t you know them? They live down by the TOWERS and usually hang out with the RICH KIDS & MUSICIANS cliques. From what I’ve heard, they can be DECEITFUL, but they’re also ADAPTIVE. I always think of them when i hear LAST LAUGH - FLETCHER and tend to associate them with STRAWBERRY CHAMPAGNE, A FRESH SET OF STILETTO NAILS, AND RED LINGERIE. ( tay, she/her, 22, est )

full name: natalie rose serrano ives serrano nicknames: ivy, poison ivy faceclaim: danna paola voiceclaim: lana del rey birthday: november 1st, 1996  zodiac: scorpio sun, aries moon, gemini rising sexuality: bisexual occupation: influencer, instagram model, musician, scammer / thief positive traits: effervescent, bold, creative, charismatic, coquettish, intuitive, ambitious, alluring, adventurous, perceptive  negative traits: cantankerous, deceitful, envious, manipulative, dramatic, stubborn, narcissistic, materialistic, reckless, quick-tempered character inspos: maddy perez euphoria, jackie burkhart that 70’s show, blair waldorf gossip girl, margo hanson the magicians, every lana del rey song ever, lucrecia montesinos and cayetana pando elite, rosa diaz brooklyn nine nine, the entire rose family schitts creek, jen harding dead to me

- ̗̀♡ — › background !

the main thing u need to know about ivy is that she is lying ! always !! her real name isn’t even actually ivy smh

she was born NATALIE ROSE SERRANO, to two working class parents in new york city. she knew from a young age that she was just supposed to be rich and famous, and that something had gotten mixed up somewhere and she was put in the wrong life.

in high school she got a scholarship to a fancy private catholic school, and that’s where she started to hone her craft of manipulating rich people. she would befriend all of the richest bitches at school and take advantage of everything that came along with it: vacations to far away places, stays in the family’s cabins and lake houses, even designer clothes that her friends no longer wanted and would gift to her, thinking it was their idea all along

as she grew up and got better at getting what she wanted out of people, her entitled attitude only got worse, driving a wedge between her and her parents, who kept waiting for her to develop a work ethic and kept being disappointed. a few months after she graduated high school, on her 18th birthday, her parents kicked her out of the house and cut her off, hoping that it would force her to grow up and take on any responsibility

but that plan backfired for them, her parents underestimating how truly stubborn natalie was. the day after her 18th, she wandered into a local strip club and got a job, figuring it’d be the easiest and quickest way to get some cash, and she took to it naturally and actually really enjoyed stripping

she started to embody an entirely new persona that she had created for herself, dancing under the name POISON IVY and telling everyone she was a trust fund baby that had been cut off from her rich parents, needing to dance to supplement her income, and her lies just continued to spiral out of control until she almost started to believe it herself. she had never told anyone at the club her real name, not even the other strippers, just going by “ivy” for a while.

she had learned to weaponize the power she had over people by being pretty and charming, using her looks for absolute evil and doing whatever it took to get money—from straight up pickpocketing, to making men buy her expensive gifts, to blackmailing, to sugar babying, to getting patrons wasted and manipulating them into tipping her absurd amounts… she did it all, very quickly earning enough to live the life she had always dreamed of, that she felt she deserved for whatever twisted reason.

she started posting on instagram with the name poison ivy generally just flaunting her carefree, extravagant life, often exaggerating or down right lying just to really dazzle her quickly growing audience

as she started to go down the influencer route, she realized she needed to do something to hide the skeletons in her closet ( the fact that she didn’t actually come from money and was making far more than was normal for even the best of dancers, a couple of small possession / shoplifting charges, and just generally anything that could lead people to her real identity ) so she started to tell people her name was ives, fully taking on the new identity. she even went so far as to make some of the people that had been closest to her sign NDAs about her real identity, making sure that no one could sell info about her should her plan of being famous work out

she also moved out to california to run away from everyone in the city that was starting to catch on to what she was doing, basically doing all the same shit but now in a New Place.. this was about 3-4 years ago, so she’s been in sunhollow for a while now doing the whole influencer thing !!

and it did work out !! at first she was definitely buying followers/likes to boost her likelihood of brand sponsorships, but eventually she faked it until she made it and actually attained influencer status. she then used her newfound internet fame ( and some classic blackmailing ) to get herself a record deal 

she also started sleeping around with pretty much any famous person she could, having very public relationships and breakups and scandals to keep her name in the press, which ultimately lead to more exposure/people following her, if only to see what she did next, which lead to even more sponsorships

eventually she stopped dancing and just focused on her influencing and more recently ( like... less than 6 months ago recently ) her music career. but she never stopped sugar babying and scamming rich stupid men, still very much using that as a means to keep up her lifestyle. she’s also done a few modeling things, but it’s mostly just like catalog work or being the face of a trendy campaign bc she’s way too short for the runway

she also recently made an only fans account bc she was bored one night and was mostly planning on posting once as a joke but then she made a bunch of money / got a bunch of subscribers and was like oh word ? i can do that ! so she will post on there from time to time but she’s not like… super serious about it ya know ? also her music label is big mad at her for it bc they’re like bUt yOuR rEpUtAtIoN and she’s like yeah.. but my bank account ? also it’s no secret she used to be a stripper so she rly just.. doesn’t give a fuck ! 

so basically she’s jus here making money being pretty and pulling a long ass scam on… everyone

- ̗̀♡ — › personality / headcannons !

she’s a real two faced bitch… she has perfected the art of becoming whoever she thinks other people want her to be, quickly adapting her personality to get whatever she wants

she’s usually pretty friendly actually, really charming and outgoing and just trying to have a good time

she has a pretty short temper tho and holds grudges like you wouldn’t believe, so once you’re on her bad side… good luck lol she is so ruthless

she’s like… deeply, deeply selfish and will always put herself first, but she’s so manipulative that she can make people do things that they think are their idea, but it’s really just something she planted in their head so it’s not always obvious

also very spoiled and will throw a mf fit if she doesn’t get her way or u say no to her

always going out !! always doing the most !! she’s the type to show up randomly at ur door at 8pm on a tuesday with a bottle of tequila and make u party with her whether u like it or not

she’s a lot smarter than she lets on sometimes, like she knows people expect her to be stupid and ditzy and shallow and she’ll let them underestimate her when it’s beneficial

always looks perfectly put together— her nails are always meticulously manicured, usually w stiletto shaped acrylics, and you’ll literally never see her outside her house without makeup and a perfectly composed outfit. it’s also a rare occasion that she’s not wearing at least six inch heels, trying to make up for bein so mf short ( she’s 5’3 )

she talks A Lot but is really good at saying a lot of words without actually saying anything, like you can be best friends with her for months and then just be like “i don’t actually know a single thing about her”

always up to no good and sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong !! she’s always got some sort of scheme going or getting in to some kind of drama

v much a hoe and v much proud of it, will sleep w just about anyone especially if she can get something out of it

also a serial dater !! she’s always hoping in and out of relationships and being rumored to be with a dozen people at once

most definitely calls paparazzi on herself, especially when she’s around other famous ppl but will never admit it

compulsive liar, she will literally lie about the dumbest things like she doesn’t even need a reason to lie she jus.. does

she has a luxury two bedroom apartment that she lives alone in ( one room is kinda a guest room but also mostly just a giant closet ) in the towers and the gag is she doesn’t even know how much her rent is bc one of her random sugar daddies pays her rent.. her power tbh 

- ̗̀♡ — › wanted connections !

hookups / flings / one night stands / fwbs all that shit !!

exes on bad terms … gimme drama pls

enemies / ppl she’s stolen from maybe… she would definitely deny it and say they’re jus jealous of her or smth stupid but that could make the feud worse

party pals !! like i said she goes out a lot and always somehow manages to make new friends and drag them into her shenanigans

on again / off again exes… i want the Angst so bad..

shallow friendships / influencer friends like they play it up a lot for insta bc they both have a pretty big following but they dont really... like each other that much ?? like they definitely seem to be a lot closer than they really are

pr relationships this could be past or present !! in the same vein as the last one except they pretend to date ( or maybe just act like they’re gonna date but never actually do ?? like to fuel rumors ) 

unlikely friends !! like ppl who are nice and sweet and Pure, she could use a lil good energy in her life

situationship / flirtationship like they’re super flirty and maybe hook up a couple times but everyone assumes they’re dating or like gonna date but they’re jus vibing. bonus points if one or both of them actually has feelings but can’t tell if they’re just friends / casually hooking up or if it could turn into something more.. im a slut for some mutual pining !!

neighbors … mb they hate her for always being loud n throwing mini parties OR maybe they join in

mean girl rivalries !!

someone she’s taking advantage of / stealing from without them knowing .. oof

partner in crime !!!

one sided crushes or like someone she’s stringing along smh

sugar daddies mb 😇

someone to put her in her mf place JDKDKD like they call her out on her bs and are like “i see what ur doing bitch stay away from my friends” type thing

idk anything really !! gimme all the messy plots ok :~)

[faecaptainofdreams]

I do not own Marvel. Yes, Wade drew this with crayon. Marvel HC: www.deviantart.com/foxdragonlo… Peter HC: www.deviantart.com/foxdragonlo… Wade HC: www.deviantart.com/foxdragonlo… If you don't like this ship i don't care. Don't talk to me about it, find something you do enjoy. If you're into it, then thanks for stopping by! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- TW: strong language, mature themes ~~Humble Start~~ When Peter was 19, he met 25-year-old Wade in January when the merc was teaming up with the Avengers to help him find his target, who happened to be involved in something the Avengers were trying to undo. When the men first shook hands and Peter introduced himself, he removed his mask, to which Wade suddenly replied "Hot DAMN! What are you, a Disney prince?!" Peter, startled, backed away, and Tony urged Peter to put his mask back on. As it was, Spiderman and Deadpool got along. Before they all parted ways (with the problem resolved and Deadpool having gotten his man), the latter thought it might be fun to pop in once in a while and visit the Avengers. While the others drily insisted that he don't do that, Spidey thought Deadpool could be a potentially good friend. Despite Tony's aversion to it, Peter gave Wade his number and suggested they hang out sometime. Wade showed up a couple weeks later after having texted Peter off and on. Still shy about his appearance and preferring to not be seen at a lower profile, he came to the facility wearing fingerless gloves, concealing clothing, and his Deadpool mask. After he and Peter hung out the first couple of times, the younger of them asked if Wade would let him see his face. With lots of self-deprecating jokes, Wade said no. Sometimes Peter would go meet up with Wade and go mess around with him, and soon enough he introduced the assassin to his friends, Ned and MJ. They all talked to each other regularly, forming a tight little friend group. Wade sometimes felt like he didn't belong with them, like he was too old to be their friend, but they all had the same childish sense of humor. And given how intelligent the younger trio was, they felt mature to him. Many times, Wade forgot that he was older, even if it was only by a couple of years. As months passed, the Avengers got used to Wade's presence and didn't take much issue with Peter hanging out with him. It was innocent (although Tony loathed the sex jokes and vulgarity, especially when it was directed at his boy). It was clear that Peter had a vastly different moral compass and a much more sensible head on his shoulders, and was not going to be influenced by Wade's mercenary ways. He was trusted with the friendship. ~~The Crush~~ Wade fancied Peter from the start. The second the mask had come off, Wade was smitten, but he figured it would go away or just stay stagnant. He'd been attracted to and thirsted after people loads of times (hence all his sexual escapades), but he was never the settle-down type. He joked about Peter being attractive and sexy and made all kinds of quips, but given he was so crass by nature, Peter never took it too seriously. He did believe Wade thought he was attractive, but he knew he was like this with multiple people and figured it was harmless. Which it was, but he didn't understand that it was serious. The more Wade stuck around and the more he got to know the Spiderman, the more his feelings grew. He eventually had to face facts and accept that he didn't just like Peter for his body -- he liked his character. The boy was an absolute magnet; bright and sunny, happy, forgiving, generous, kind, merciful, hilarious, intelligent, and non-judgmental. He was the ultimate package. Wade also knew he was bisexual and knew that if he really worked up to it, asking Peter out wasn't out of the question or too far-fetched. What was far-fetched, to his mind, was the idea that Peter would ever say "yes." And even if he did say yes, was that fair to the Ironman's golden child? Wade was a self-sustaining disaster with baggage so heavy even Spiderman couldn't pick it up. As far as he was concerned, it was best to keep his feelings to himself and spare Peter the misery. What he didn't realize was Peter was starting to notice him, too. By Autumn, Wade sorely opened up to Weasel about his feelings. ---        "Ew, do you like...love him?" "Maybe."        "Gross. What are you gonna do?" Wade shrugged. "Nothing, same as usual. He doesn't need my insanity in his life, he's too kind and innocent."        "But you wanna fuck him, right? Maybe just try to do that." "No, Jesus! Are you even listening? Peter's not that kind of guy, and even if he was into it, I can't take advantage of him like that." Weasel's face scrunched in mild disgust.        "God, you have it bad for him..." "Yeah. It's like, he's a total bro, but fuckable. He's soft but strong, masculine but feminine, fierce but graceful."        "   " "He's the kind of guy you take on like fifteen dates, buy flowers and candy, get one of those stupid little Hallmark cards with some sappy bullshit saying how much the sender loves him. Then, you fuck him. Not at your place, but at his place, so he's more comfortable, and only after you've made him spaghetti and chocolate-covered strawberries, by candle light. You fuck gently. Passionately, but with strength, but you don't wanna hurt him. But he's secretly a sex tiger under the sheets, and it kinda scares you, but you love it, but you're still afraid to fuck him any other way than gently."        "I feel like this is a fantasy you've had for a while." "No, of course not."        "So...he's your friend, you want to fuck him, but you don't wanna just fuck him because that would be taking advantage of him. Because you'd rather have a relationship with him, but you don't wanna have a relationship with him because you think he deserves better, but you're gonna keep hanging out with him and torture yourself. Is that... I mean, am I close?" "Like a Hawkeye arrow through a nutsack with a target drawn on it."        "Ow. I think my left testicle just rose back inside of me in fear." "Balls are very perceptive."        "Okay, well here's my advice." Wade learned forward.        "... You're fucked." "Thanks, I totally needed help figuring that out."        "Who is the guy, anyway?" "...Peter Parker..."        "Pete-- like Spiderman Peter Parker?" "Yup."        "How the fuck...?" "I know."        "I feel like I saw his face on the news last year when he got all discovered, but I don't remember. You got a picture?" "Yeah," Wade grumbled while reaching in his pocket for his phone.       "Heh, 'course you do, you sick-o." After glaring at his friend, Wade pulled up a picture of Peter and zoomed in on his smiling face.       "WHOA, holy MOSES, that guy is good looking!" "I know."        "He looks like a stallion and a buck had sex with an Irish setter!" "Yeah, told ya. Fierce, but graceful."        "I've always been a pussy-man, but I gotta say... He's making me question my sexuality." "He has that affect on people."        "That is MAJORLY out of your league." "Thank you." Wade put his phone away.       "How old is he?" "Nineteen."        "Whoooa, a little on the young side, huh?" "Just a little, but he's mature for his age."        "..." "...That sounded a little creepy, I take that back." --- Wade began an off-and-on effort of keeping Peter at arm's length. He went through periods of texting and hanging out with him less, but whenever it was clear that Peter could tell something was up, he snapped back into the picture. He couldn't bear to make Peter worry or feel as though he'd done something wrong. This went on for a couple of months. Peter too, was beginning to feel a little bit of romantic sting. Wade hooked up with a couple of people over the months, including Vanessa. There was a brief period where the two of them copulated like rabbits, and that was with the ex-prostitute knowing that Wade had feelings for someone. In the merc's mind, maybe he could get his needs out of his system, but it didn't work. If anything, he felt emptier after each fling. Peter was attracted to Wade before he even realized he was. Always seeking him out, making sure their friendship was solid, feeling a constant need to have a hand on him in one way or another. He also played into some of Wade's lewd jokes and would tease him. Then there was the dancing and singing, of course, which only got more intense as time went on (a natural instinct of the jumping spider to try and woo a mate through display). Tony and Steve began to notice the men getting closer, and Tony was very unhappy. Steve convinced him to stay quiet and let Peter figure it out. In late Fall, Peter turned 20. Wade was there for his party, as were Ned and MJ. It was a lot of fun! Come December, Wade turned 26. He'd tried another couple of times to get away from Peter again, but the boy wouldn't let him go. They were like a binary system of stars, unable to pull away from each other, constantly drawn back into one another's path by an unseen force. For how long could this go on before they collided? And when they did, would they blow up and break apart, or make one bigger, more beautiful star? ~~Spoken Interest~~ By January, Peter came to terms with his own crush, and secretly told Ned about it. For the next month and a half, the boys gabbed about it, and Ned found it adorable and kind of funny. Peter said he wanted to ask Wade out, but was nervous that Wade wouldn't be interested. "Well you're not gonna know unless you ask," said Ned. Peter flirted a little more with Wade, but it mostly came across awkwardly. It basically felt like he was just humiliating himself over and over again, but Wade was noticing the difference in him. Regardless, he tried to respect the space, and refused to give himself up. In February, Peter asked Wade to hang out with him at a park somewhere and "people watch," since Wade enjoyed that activity. He felt it would be a nice, serene setting to keep Wade's attention and finally admit his feelings. He told Ned about his plan; the latter was exhilarated at the thought, and said he'd be standing by. Peter put on a warm but nice outfit and drove off to their spot to talk. Even though it was casual as always, they could both sense tension. They sat and chatted for a while, and with a racing heart, Peter finally found the right moment to confess. ---        "Hey, so... I've kinda been wanting to talk to you about something." "Hamburgers."        "I... What?" "Hamburgers! They're weird, right? I mean, ham comes from pigs, and beef comes from cows. Hamburgers are made with cow meat, but we call them ham-burgers." Wade threw his hands up, head rolling about. "The fuck is up with that??"        "O-oh, hah, I guess it sounds more appealing than...beef...burgers...?" Wade nodded thoughtfully. "Hm. Yeah, sounds kinda naughty." Peter could hear Wade's grin, and he stifled a laugh. His own smile was more earnest, but his desire flitted behind it. "Like beef curtain, or beef stick--"        "Wade." "Yeah?"        "Look, um..." He turned to face his company better, now getting nervous.       "You and I are...really good friends, right?" "Why yes, broski dear."        "Hah, well... It's just... Ahh, I don't wanna say anything and...mess that up." "...Well, what do you wanna say...?" There was a long silence.        "...Okay -- okay, total honesty... Wade, I..." He drew in a deep breath.       "I like you..." They stared at each other. After a long silence, the older male playfully slapped Peter's arm. "I like you too, beef buddy! ... Yikes, wow, see? Beef is just a naughty word." Peter blinked, thoughts spinning in his head a mile a minute. Wade knew what he really meant, but he couldn't begin to believe that in its suddenness. He was bracing for Peter to call him out on his own crush and possibly disown him, but this threw him for a loop.        "N... N-no, no Wade, I mean... I like you...as more than a buddy, or a bro..." He swallowed.       "Or a friend..." He rubbed his hands together, slowly and tensely, brown orbs wide while looking at Wade. The cold white eyes of Wade's mask pierced back at him. "...Oh..."        "A-and... I just thought, m-maybe, if...you don't think it's weird, or if -- I don't know, if maybe you liked me too, we could...date...?" There was another long pause. This time, Wade understood for certain. When he looked forward to contemplate, stunned expression hidden by the mask, Peter looked off and around, his heart sinking. There were times when Wade was genuinely difficult to read, and this was one of them. Wade was getting his wish, it was like the start of his fantasy had come true! All he had to do was agree to it. "Uh, I don't think we should do that." He regretted it the second he said it. Peter felt his heart drop, and his face begin to turn red with shock and embarrassment.        "Oh," he croaked while looking down at his lap. Wade's answer stunned him. When the merc spoke, he tried to bring it back to a place of casualty in the hopes of removing the heavy feeling from the air. "Look, don't get me wrong, you've heard me talk about ya. You're precious, and I'd be beside myself to fuck your brains out." Peter almost smiled, but the desperation for answers overpowered the natural response to do so. Wade continued. "But you're romantic, you need stability. I'm a one-night stand kind of guy, friends-with-benefits and all that. You're not really about that life, right? I mean, come on. You wouldn't sleep with me without getting to know me, right?" Peter swallowed something dry and thick. Looking away, the hope for this to go anywhere withdrew from his gaze, and he shook his head.        "No..." Even Wade was at a loss for words for a moment. He may have turned his head away, but out of the corner of his eye, he could see Peter's heart breaking. He saw his red cheeks, his pinkish eyes. He could feel the sadness, and a lot of it was coming from himself, too. But he pulled it together again and lightly slapped the back of his hand against Peter's shoulder. "Eyyy, come on, this doesn't change anything, right? We're still pals." Peter quickly nodded. He was polite as ever, but the sensation that he had just gotten hit by a train was easy to read.       "No -- yeah, yeah yeah yeah, it's -- it's just... It's a little embarrassing, aha, I mean... You know, I..." "Nah, it's not so bad. It's adorable! Like I said, doesn't change a thing. Now when we get past this, I can tease you about thinking I'm a hot piece of ass." Peter did finally crack a small, broken smile and shook his head. He was glad that Wade wanted to be friends, but the damage was done. "...I mean you still wanna be friends, right?"        "Absolutely! I just... It's kind of a hard pill to swallow..." "Yeah, I know. You put yourself out there, then get shot down..." With genuine remorse and a strong but hidden wave of self-loathing, Wade laid a hand on Peter's shoulder. "I'm sorry." Peter nodded again and closed his eyes. He felt emotional, but why? Did it really mean that much to him? Staying strong, he glanced at Wade, mustering a hurt smile.        "Don't be sorry, you know I prefer honesty. I mean it'd be really stupid to say 'yes' when you don't want that, right?" As if Wade's heart couldn't sink any further. "Yeah..."        "Look man, um... It's -- I'm not like mad or anything, you didn't do anything wrong, but... I think I should go home, and just, like...try to process it--" "Yeah! Nothing wrong with that. I'll give you a couple days to uh...reel."        "Yeah, I think that sounds good." When they rose to their feet, they both chuckled sadly. In their awkwardness, Peter offered his hand to shake, which Wade accepted uneasily, but eventually pulled Peter into a side hug. "It'll be fine, we'll get past it. You take your time."        "K-ay..." With one last hurt smile, Peter left Wade's company. On the way back to his car, he finally let the tears roll. Wade watched him go until his car was out of sight, stunned by his own foolishness. He wasn't stupid; he knew he had made Peter cry. He knew he'd broken his heart, and he hated himself for it. When Wade got to his apartment, he took out his anger on his environment, taking to breaking a lot of things in his living space. --- Peter did his best to get most of his emotions out before he got home, but the sadness and hurt would linger. When he got inside he pretended everything was okay, but it was obvious his mind was elsewhere. Not too long after getting in, he went to his room and called Ned. ---    "Hey, what's up? Did you talk to him?"        "Yeah."    "...Uh-oh. What did he say?"        "He said 'no.'..."    "Awww man, Peter, I'm sorry. Did he say why?" Peter tried to keep his sniffles quiet, but Ned could hear them anyway.       "Yeah, u-um... He said that...you know, he's a one-night-stand kind of guy, and that I'm -- we're -- ... He doesn't...think it would be a good idea, because he just...likes sex, and I'm romantic, so..."    "That really sucks, I'm sorry."        "Me too..."    "...Hey, I rigged my GTA 4 game to get Carmageddon on the 360." Peter continued to hold back his emotions, but only half-cared about Ned's random statement.       "Y-eah...?"    "Yeah, it's really funny! Can I come over and show you? It should work on your 360." Now understanding, Peter smiled a little.       "Yeah, that sounds cool. We could, um... I could make...popcorn, or something."    "Awesome! Is now good?"        "Sure, uh -- lemme ask Tony first, just to be sure."    "Okay. Text me." --- After they said goodbye and hung up, Peter got confirmation from Tony that having Ned over for a few hours would be fine. While on his way to go prepare everything, May found Peter and insisted he tell her what was wrong, as she could tell something was up. Although he'd wanted to keep it hidden from his elders, Peter (naturally) trusted May and knew it was confidential, so he came clean. Seeing her nephew's broken heart, May consoled him and offered a little advice about how to heal up from it, and insisted that they would, yes, go back to being friends in time. ~~SpideyPool~~ In the days passing, Peter and Wade refrained from messaging each other. Peter went about his usual life, including going on regular patrols. He took down a couple of small criminals, helped a few people in minor danger. This always felt good; even the littlest of ways he could help people made his day brighter and his heart fuller. Wade, meanwhile, had spent the days since the rejection in sorrow and self-hatred. He'd smashed a lot of the stuff in his apartment and all but shredded the couch, laying face-down on the tattered furniture in a mess of stuffing, old food scraps, alcohol and the same outfit he'd had on when he last talked to Peter (minus the coat, boots and mask). It had been five days. But on this fifth day, Colossus happened to pop in. He knocked. ---   "Wade? You are playing Elvis again. Are you all right?" "AwwwWWW!! I'm not in the mood, Sputnik! Fuck the shit off!" Colossus opened the door and hunched in, turning off Wade's music.    "You should really lock door. Wade, you are a mess; what is wrong?" The merc answered him with his face still down and pressed to the couch. "What's wrong is this big metal dildo man keeps showing up at my door even after I tell him to fuck. the. shit. OFF." Colossus looked around, ignoring him.   "How do you live like this..." "I'm not living, I'm existing."    "Clearly. Is this another episode? Perhaps I should take you back to the mansion again." Wade lifted his head, tired eyes closed. "GOD, no! No more bland-coated walls with old white men all over them and every other X-Man acting like the studio couldn't afford to pay them to even just walk around and pretend they live there." Colossus raised a brow, but ignored him, as he was so used to doing.   "Well, if this is not episode, then what is it?" Wade's face flopped back into the couch, pressing in harder than earlier. "Imn mm bmng m thnntl dmshm."    "What?" With a heavy groan of aggravation, he sat up entirely, allowing small bags of food trash to spill onto the floor from its position under his body. Colossus winced at the crinkling and crumbs. "It's me being a total dipshit..." "What did you do," he asked tiredly while folding his arms. "I told you I liked some guy, right? Well... Turns out, he liked me, too."    "That is good news." "Yeah, it was, until he told me he liked me and I shot him down like a retarded clay pigeon in a Guantanamo Bay shooting range."    "..." "I swear to god, it's like while I wasn't looking, the cancer snuck into my brain and made me even stupider."    "Why did you turn him down?" "Because -- he's nice, okay? I don't just wanna get in his pants, I want to date him. I want to have a relationship, but he's not the person I should be trying that out with on account of how fucked sideways with a cactus my head is."    "On inside, or outside?" When Wade glared up at him, Colossus chuckled. Squinting, Wade lowered his voice. "Are you The Moby? 'Cos I haven't even taken The Great American Challenge yet, and I feel like you're stretching my ass WIDE open."    "Eugh! Listen..." Colossus softened up and sat beside him carefully.   "You are...different, very rough around the edges. You are afraid that this guy is too good for you." "No, I KNOW he's too good for me. I can't risk screwing up his life."    "How do you know that would happen?" "Uh, do I not ruin everything everywhere I go?"    "Only when you really mean to. But he likes you too, yes?" "He says he does... I'm not sure why."    "Maybe because, in your own strange way, you are charming man. You have a big heart, you care about people -- most of all, him, it seems." "That's why I gotta stay away from him."    "No, that is why you must go to him." Wade glanced up at his company.    "You must go tell him the truth, give it a second chance. He deserves to know what you are thinking, does he not?" "... No, I don't want to make him more miserable."    "If he is miserable, it is only because you have not been honest with him." "...You really think I should do this? You really think I should go over there and just...tell him how I feel?"    "Absolutely." "...Just admit that you want me, Colossus." Colossus sighed. "I don't know,..."    "Trust me, if you don't do this, then you will never know what could be. You will spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been, your soul will forever be restless." "..."    "...Who is it that you are pining for so badly?" Wade's voice almost cracked. "P-eter Parker..."    "Peter Parker?? You mean Spiderman???" "Yeah."    "OH, he is a VERY good young man... Erh...over eighteen, yes?" "He's twenty."    "OH, good." "Like you said, he's very good. He's not...he doesn't deserve all my shit."    "You will never know, Wade. Not unless you take risk." "..."    "If you try your best, if you let love in, and it is real, then your messy life will work itself out." Wade looked up at Colossus, who then put a caring, large metal hand on his shoulder.   "Maximum effort." "...Okay... Maximum effort." --- When Colossus left, Wade showered and started cleaning up. On the sixth morning after their last conversation, Wade called Peter, but the latter was around other people while in the facility. Not wanting to talk to him in front of anyone, he declined the call, but texted Wade saying "Hang on i'll call in a sec." He went to his room and did as was promised, calling Wade back while sitting on his bed. --- "Hey, Spidey!"        "Hey, Wade." He sounded a little tired, but was kind and open-minded. "What's up?"        "Uhh not much, I was with Tony and Wanda and didn't want to talk in front of them. Just...sitting in my room, now." "Gotcha."        "So...did you want something?" "Aww, you're still upset about the other day," he said with an audible smile. Peter sat up, voice more peppy.       "No, no, I mean I'm not upset, I'm just... It... 'Upset' is just such a harsh word, um... I'm just kinda sad, you know? It's -- I'm still just trying to...make sense of it all, figure out what's...going on in my head." "I understand."        "I'm sorry..." "Why are you sorry?"        "I don't know, I just feel bad, I mean this can't be fun for you, either. I just feel really stuck. And -- I told May, but only because she could tell how down I was." "May is nice."        "She's the best..." "...I miss you, Pete."        "Me too... Ned...rigged his GTA 4 disk to run Carmageddon on the 360." "What?! That's sick as FUCK!"       "Yeah... Maybe sometime we could hang out and play it together. It's really funny..." "I'd like that. Or... I could just come hang out with ya right now!" Peter sat up a little more.       "Oh, Wade, I don't know, I... I think I still need a little more time to process everything. It's -- I'm still not mad or anything, you're still my friend, it's just kinda hard..." "Oh... Well that's too bad, 'cos I'm right outside your window."        "--What??" After Wade's shadow cast onto the wall and got Peter's attention, he quickly looked to the left and saw Wade in the window, waving happily at him before putting the phone back to his ear. Peter tossed his phone down in shock and ran to the window.       "Wade!" He opened the glass pane, shivering at the freezing air.       "What are you doing?!" "Just felt I needed to come by and clear things up with you." After realizing he was talking pointlessly into his phone, Wade shrugged and tossed it.       "Wha--" Peter quickly fired a web at the little computer, snatching it and yanking it into his hand. Wade crawled into Peter's room through the window, and then the latter closed it and handed Wade his phone.       "Why would you throw this??" Wade took his phone back and chuckled. "Ewww, now it has webs on it...!"        "That's better than being broken!" Wade shrugged the snow off his shoulders. He was in full suit with a beanie on his head over his mask, and a fur coat. "Plungers make really good building-climbing tools, did you know that?"        "Eugh, you -- you used plungers to get up here?" "They're all new, it's fine. Well -- except for the one for my right foot, I wouldn't touch that one." Wade slid off his coat and beanie.       "Wade, what are you doing here...?" "I wanted to talk to you about the other day." Peter motioned for him to be quiet, then stepped over and locked his door. Turning back to face him, he kept his voice low, and so his visitor did the same.        "Okay?" "Look... The thing is, I like you, too. A LOT. I've had it bad for you from the start, Petey, but... It's like I said the other day; you're a nice guy, and--"        "Wait, let me just stop you there." He waited.       "I know that you like to sleep around, and that's okay. Some people are romantic, and some people aren't, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not judging you, I think what you do is totally fine." Wade nodded.       "But... I'm still not that guy, you know? I still need those things, I'm -- I want a relationship. It's okay that you don't want that, you don't have to explain yourself. But if this is a request to just...fool around, um... I'm...not game for that, I'm sorry." "...Aww, you're so cute," he said happily before roughing Peter's hair lovingly. Peter stood in blank confusion, having no response to that. "I'm not here because I want to have sex with you. I mean, I'd like to, but not like...right now, I mean like in the future, when we've been seeing each other for a little while."        "..." "When you asked me out, I said no because I didn't think I was right for you. I still don't, honestly, I mean you should really, just...turn around and run while you have the chance. Because I'm about to ask you something, and I don't have a lot of patience, and I might just blurt it, cut and dry."        "Wade, what the hell are you trying to say?" "I'm saying... Will you go out with me...?" Peter stood in total shock, staring blankly at Wade. "......Is that a 'no'? That's probably a wise choice, but I'm gonna...need verbal confirmation. I mean if it's not 'yes,' it's 'no,' because basic principle, but ya know. ...?" He finally blinked and shook his head a little, making an effort to make sure he kept his voice low.        "Okay, wait... You do want to go out with me...?" "Yeah. I've wanted to since like, last June."        "FFFFFFFF-- Wade...?!?!?" "Yeah... Pathetic, I know."        "So why did you say 'no' the other day??" "I told you, because I don't think I'm right for you. I'm super fucked up and you're really nice! You're --"        "Shh...!" He lowered his voice to something of a shouting whisper. "You have your whole life ahead of you to meet fucked up people, you should at least have some normal, healthy relationships first...!"        "Wade, that's up to me to decide, and I know you think you're like the worst person ever, but you're actually really a good guy...!" "Why are we whispering...?!"        "Because if Tony finds out we're even discussing dating he'll throw you to the moon...!" "That would suck...!"        "I know...!" They both stood a little taller, each sighing some and looking off before focusing again. They stopped whispering, but remained quiet.        "So..." "I'm just saying... I've got a lot of baggage, and problems, and a whirlwind of mind shit that falls out of its little shit-filled cabinet whenever it feels like it. I have LOVED being your friend, but I'm..."        "...Yes...?" "...I'm scared of hurting you..." Peter relaxed and took a step towards him.        "You're not gonna hurt me." "You don't know that."        "And you don't know that you will. But if you think that, but you still had the nerve to come tell me how you feel and ask me out..." Wade looked up at him cautiously.       "...Then you must have some sort of faith in it being okay, right?" "..." Peter started to smile.        "What if we just tried it? Why don't we just...date...? And if it doesn't work out, then that's okay. We can just be friends. I mean that's what we were working up to being again anyway, right?" "That's how it would have to be. I can't lose you, Spidey, you mean a lot to me."        "..." "You're like ice on a burn. You have...the BEST heart. I don't wanna hurt it."        "Stuff's gonna hurt me, Wade. That's life, it's okay. If you hurt me, we can get past it." "...You promise?" Peter smiled bigger.        "I promise. Hey, who knows? Maybe I'll hurt you or something, pfft." Peter couldn't see it, but Wade was smiling, too.        "If you're serious, and this isn't you feeling guilty about saying 'no' or asking for a one night stand... I would love to go out with you. PLEASE, let me go out with you." --- And so it was, they secretly began dating. Wade made arrangements to take Peter out that very afternoon. After Wade left through the window, taking his plungers with him, Peter called Ned in a slight panic. He excitedly explained what happened and told him he needed to prepare himself for the date, and they hung up. When it came to Tony, Peter had to keep quiet. Like before, he didn't tell anyone, including May; he just didn't want anyone to know yet. The first date was just spent with the boys wandering around a nice part of the city, discussing how they liked each other and how long each of them have felt it. Wade explained that he was a mess for the days following his rejection of Peter, and that it took Colossus busting into his apartment and yanking him onto his feet to get him to go talk. He also confessed to having slept with a couple of people, including Vanessa, which Peter was more than fine with. But, he emphasized, Wade really needed to look into STI testing just to be safe. The first date didn't end with kissing or anything randy, and Wade still didn't show Peter his face. Instead, they hugged, and Peter drove back home. The dates following were very similar, with food as part of the equation. They even had a "parkour date," where both got in full suit and leaped around the city, showing their abilities to one another for the sheer sport of it. Peter even held Wade and swung around the city with him on his hip. According to Wade, this was terrifying but romantic. By this time, Peter told May and MJ. After a few weeks, Peter and Wade felt relatively steady. Tony and Steve could tell something was different with Peter when it came to Wade, and Tony had his suspicions from the start. Peter knew that Tony could sense something unusual, but he played around it and acted casually. Tony chose to stay quiet about it. During a date one late afternoon when Peter and Wade were on a harbor, in suit, the sun out after a light rain (yes, it must be that specific), Peter pressed a little harder to see Wade's face. He understood why Wade was shy about it, but kindly argued that it was difficult to date someone he'd known for over a year while still not having a clue what he looked like. Feeling that Peter's reaction could really make or break the potential of their relationship, Wade finally conceded and removed the mask. To his surprise, there was no horror or tension, or even the slightest bit of disgust. He looked a little surprised, briefly raising his eyebrows with a blink, and studied him. He said "Wow," and that was about it. Wade started to make jokes about himself, to which Peter put his arms around Wade and told him he wasn't allowed to insult himself whenever he was in the Spiderman's arms. This became a new theme with them. After a minute of talking, and with Wade allowing his new partner to lightly touch his scarred cheeks, he asked if Peter had anymore requests before the mask went back on. ---       "...You could kiss me..." Wade stared at him in light disbelief.        "...Or -- or not, it's totally optional. Just a suggest--" As the cliche stands, Wade kissed him, cutting off his sentence. When he pulled away, Peter was stunned and glowing.        "O-ohhoh... Okay, I-I don't have a lot of reference, but... That was really good..." "I agree." --- Wade put his mask back on, and the two were smitten. A few days after their first kiss, Peter finally sat down with Tony and Steve and came clean about his recent dating situation. Steve didn't love the idea, and Tony hated it, but the former offered support and simply asked that Peter be careful and trust his instincts. Tony was a tad more chilly with his honesty, but when Peter became insecure, he emphasized that he wasn't angry. He just didn't trust Wade on a romantic level, and feared Peter getting hurt. This gave Peter the opportunity to remind Tony that he was a big boy now, and he could handle making his own mistakes, and was willing to face the consequences of his decisions. It ended on a positive note, but Tony couldn't hide the lack of thrill he had over the new relationship. Weeks turned into months, and things when steady. In their time together, Peter got permission from Tony to make his very own original suit. Given how comfortable he was with Wade, and with the relationship also recently going public, Peter felt the desire to start fresh and switch up his look with a lot more blue. For one thing, the blue complimented Deadpool's vast red and helped him stand out.~ That May, when they'd been going out for about three months, Peter started becoming more bold in his physical interest in Wade. He'd been to the merc's apartment several times as well, and had actually managed to convince him to start cleaning the place up and get some new furniture. He wasn't judgmental; he merely worried for Wade's state of mind and the health hazards, insisting that he might feel better and more confident if he lived in better conditions. This conversation brought Wade to inadvertently mention how he was desensitized to the squalor due to being forced to sit in his own waste and vomit for a while when he had gotten ill at the Mutant Factory. This was one of the most serious things Wade brought up right off the bat, but upon seeing Peter's face stricken with shock and concern, he clammed up. Peter assured him that there was nothing to be ashamed of, and that he appreciated Wade talking to him. The conversation helped Wade feel better, much to his shock, and he agreed that it might be good for him to clean up the apartment. So he did just that. It wasn't spectacular, but the improvement was great, and Wade actually found himself wanting better for how he lived. In June, Peter's physical interests were more clear. They'd discussed sex, but Peter was shy, and Wade was never one to push. But finally, while making out one day, Peter came to the conclusion that he was ready to be intimate. They each went home and planned for Peter to go to Wade's. They each wanted to shower and prepare for it first. Peter brought a small bag with a movie and his suit in it (just in case). He told Tony that they were just going to have a movie date. Tony didn't like it, and insisted Peter also take his iron suit (which is tightly compact into a small shape when dormant like the Ironman suit). Peter obeyed, willing to do anything to help Tony feel more comfortable about him being out and about. At Wade's apartment, the pair chilled for a little while, but Wade was eager to show his company how he'd prepared the bedroom. He led Peter to his room, revealing soft pink and orange shaded string lights pinned up around the walls, nice bedding, and an overall sense of warmth. Needless to say, Peter was very impressed, letting Wade know he did not expect this, and didn't require it in the future. But yes, he absolutely loved it, and knew he would have a good time. When they were done, they both fell asleep in Wade's bed. Tony called around 1 in the morning, asking where Peter was. He was a little upset, but nothing Peter couldn't work around. He apologized and said they were both tired from watching the movie and then playing some video games, so Peter crashed on the couch and forgot to tell Tony he was staying the night. After a little back and forth, Peter reassured him that everything was all right and encouraged him to go back to sleep. He promised to come home early in the morning with a box of donuts as an apology. Tony hesitantly agreed, and left him alone. Once more, the next day, Peter made a point to tell Ned about his escapades. The next few times Peter went to Wade's house, he ended up spending the night. And again, he lied his ass off to Tony, saying they just had a new routine of playing video games until they crashed. Tony knew better, and Peter knew that, but neither were willing to give on the subject. By this time, Peter quietly told aunt May that his relationship with Wade was now very serious. She was excited for him, proud and happy and double checked that he was being safe. Embarrassed and a little exasperated, he confirmed this, and just like that May was back in fun mode. She was able to accept that Peter was grown now, and she was glad to try and guide him through this very impressionable period in his life. The morning after Peter's fifth time with Wade, Colossus visited unexpectedly while the boys were still sleeping. Wade got up and addressed him, completely naked, while Peter stayed back and hurriedly put his clothes on before meekly coming out to greet the metal man. He was shy but thrilled to meet the infamous X-Man. After Peter convinced Wade to at least put on some underwear, they all sat down together and had a chat. Colossus was happy to finally meet Spiderman, and when Peter got home, he told his family about how funny it was to wake up and meet Colossus. Later that day, Tony finally pulled Peter aside and broke down, having a serious discussion with him about the relationship. He asked for full honesty on whether they had become physical, and Peter answered honestly. The talk was civil, as Tony loved Peter too much to ever take out any frustration on him, but his concern was clear. He told Peter he respected that, that Peter didn't need to feel bad about it; he was just making sure everything was okay. Not that it was any of his business, but he considered his family to be his business. Peter didn't mind, so long as Tony stayed cool. The Ironman did confirm that Peter understood the fact that he wasn't going to invite Wade to live with them. Peter agreed. When Tony asked if Peter was thinking about living with Wade, the latter said "no." "So what are you gonna do?" Tony asked. Peter told him that he would just keep doing as they had been; dating, hanging out, and if they wanted to have personal time, Peter would go to Wade's. He told Tony he felt he really loved Wade, and was okay with the fact that he was, in Tony's words, "super fucked up." He understood that he wasn't responsible for Wade's mental health, but that he enjoyed helping him through some of his issues. He understood that trauma like this was a long-haul, and he was willing to at least try. After all, everyone he knew was traumatized, himself included. The conversation helped clear the air a lot for the father-and-son pair, and Tony grew a greater respect for the relationship. A week or so after that conversation, Tony ended up having a talk with Wade. The merc shocked him with his raw honesty about his feelings for Peter, revealing his only intention was to be happy with him without weighing him down. He loved him, and he would do anything for him, including whatever he could to please his family. He understood why everyone flocked to shield Peter; he was different, special. It was then that Tony finally saw an ounce of what Peter saw in Wade, and his respect grew. In August, Peter turned 21 and in December, Wade turned 27. In that time frame, Peter began sneaking Wade into his room sometimes to get physical.~ Not long after Wade's birthday, Tony finally came to grips with the reality that Wade wasn't going anywhere. His relationship with Peter was incredibly strong and steady, and despite Peter having his job, his family and friends and Wade, he'd managed to make it all work. They were mature, and mature together, and Tony wanted Peter to have every opportunity possible to make things a little easier. So as a surprise, he told Peter he was going to allow Wade to move into the facility, even though he wasn't being offered any Avenger titles. He even said he didn't mind if Wade and him shared his bedroom, so long as they weren't mindless sex idiots and kept everyone awake all the time. Stunned, Peter was beyond grateful. Together, everyone gathered up and invited Wade to the facility to make the offer. Wade was uncertain at first, asking if they wanted him to be an Avenger. "GOD no," said Sam. Peter informed him that this had no strings attached, and asked if he was ready to move in with him. Wade said yes, and accepted this very unexpected, beautiful birthday present. In being offered to move in, this was the Avengers fully embracing Wade and adopting him into their weird, messed up family. In time, they would learn to see that Wade was in fact, a good man with a big heart, and become used to his mouth. ~~Love Forever After~~ Living together, it was a dream come true. For the first time in Wade's life, things finally seemed to be on a steady path, and he would do anything to keep it that way. He was happy, he wanted to stay happy, and most of all, he wanted to do well for Peter. With them being together (even before Wade had moved in), Peter helped Wade open up about his past and his feelings. He wasn't judgmental, he wasn't off-put by Wade's mannerisms, weirdness, strange coping habits, random emotional moments, nightmares, or even the nastiest of content regarding his past. He just listened and consoled, and even shielded Wade from the harshness of others. With a guy as wonderful as the friendly neighborhood Spiderman, even though he wasn't perfect, Wade had a tough time feeling like he could give back enough. What he didn't tend to understand was Peter already felt Wade did give back. Wade was a passionate, attentive, caring, thorough lover, and exceedingly generous. He did anything and everything he could for Peter. Aside from just being the best mate he could be, he couldn't think of much else, but it was more than enough. Peter needed him, too. And when Peter had problems, his heart was heavy or he had his own traumatic episodes, Wade was there for him. He applied the very things he'd learned from his love and gave back. After some months living with Peter, Wade had his first serious emotional breakdown related to his trauma. Deadpool, Spiderman, Ironman, Scarlet Witch, and War Machine were out on a mission one night. On a rooftop, after the mission was finished and they had regrouped, Peter was wrapping some things up when a casual conversation started between Wade and the others. The Mutant Factory got brought up, which Wade appeared fine with. He joked casually about what he went through, and the others listened. But at a certain point, after making a comment about his torture that initially caused him to laugh, his laughter suddenly turned to tears. At first the others just went along with it, used to Wade's emotional switches at this point and figuring it would be fine. But when the merc's weeps became sobs and he could no longer stand up, everyone finally realized something was wrong. James stood by Wade and Wanda knelt beside him, clueless as to how to help or what exactly was happening. Tony called Peter to their gathering on the rooftop, and when the Spiderman saw his partner in a heavy heap of tears, he sprung into action. Wanda and James backed away to give Peter the space to console him. He was understandably confused and alarmed by the development, but stayed calm. Tony had an idea of what was happening, cluing Peter in with a reminder of how he had suddenly felt okay enough to grieve his uncle when the time came. It clicked; Wade finally felt safe and comfortable enough in his life that his mind was ready to start the healing process. Peter carried Wade away from the group, who let them have their space. He removed his mask, and convinced Wade to let him take his off, and he held him. Wade announced that he didn't understand what was going on and that he couldn't stop, so Peter told him not to stop. He told him that this was a good thing even though it didn't feel like it, and that it wouldn't last forever. After a while, when Wade was calm enough, Peter took him home. He explained to him what he thought was happening. From that point on, Wade was much more prone to having harder breakdowns, but at that point they seemed to happen at more appropriate times. He also had an easier time talking about it, even if it did hurt like all hell. Thankfully, for Wade's sake, his primary trauma response now is sobbing and nightmares. And when it happens, someone is always there to help him. Of course he still has his random weepy moments at weird things, but Peter has always been understanding of that and never judged him. If anything, he only ever helped Wade feel validated. When Peter was 22 and Wade was 28, the Trial of the Gods ensued. This was hard on Wade, and revealed he had a host of dependency issues with Peter. It led to them having a serious but gentle talk, where Peter offered to work with him on easing his mind about the fact that bad things happen, and if anything bad ever happened to Peter, he needed the peace of mind that Wade would take care of himself. Stay clean, healthy, surround himself with his friends, continue to do good things. If not for himself, then for Peter, because he would want that. Wade agreed, even though the conversation was hard. Ultimately, Wade's mind never reached any peace until he went on a mission and secretly killed himself in order to get to The Realm of Silence, Interitus's realm of the dead. After having a quick conversation wherein Wade asked the elk god if he would ever die for good, Interitus told him 'yes.' He said that Wade would not live forever, that his time would come when it was right, and in death he would be with his beloved. This gave Wade all the peace he needed. Someday, Wade and Peter will get married. How, when and under what circumstances remain a mystery. For now, they're just loving life together. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[uwua3]

that taichi headcannon for jealousy broke my heart :( could you do one where he finds another person? one that makes him laugh, ruffles his hair, games with him etc~ a happier one!

oh no!!! i’m so sorry here u go *offers u a new, super cool heart that is angst–proof* ♡ yes, i definitely want taichi to find ~ love ~ like he deserves because he’s such a puppy 🥺 i adore him endlessly so him having a happy alternative is Required Immediately!

summary: love came in many forms—including platonic best friends

warnings: heartbreak, unrequited love

author’s note: i actually went a bit more different route with this! i know this prompt typically means a romantic love, but i didn’t really feel like it would fit. this is a best friend! reader x taichi, and i am so happy with the message in this! go best friends!!!

love is love and you shouldn’t have to rush into a relationship to find it. your friends love you, and although it’s not the same, it’s more than enough ♡ love isn’t just what you do for others, so don’t try so hard to be loved. people will love you for you, not whatever romantic movie–based idea you have of them. i hope you know you are loved. i love you ♡

word count: 2,106

music: ily (i love you baby) – surf mesa ft. emilee

a skater gets back up.

🍁🛹 nanao taichi

taichi missed being in love

he missed writing all those heart–shaped love letters made of pink construction paper and his exaggerated, overwhelming feelings with red pen. he’d write their name in pretty cursive that took so many tries, he dotted the i’s with hearts, he color–coded it so well that it was just an explosion of valentine’s day

he missed dedicating his favorite songs to them, hearing it randomly in his shuffled mix and immediately thinking of them. he missed explaining what the songs meant, feeling all types of love when he repeated them over and over again

he missed creating playlists with them in his mind, forming it so it flowed perfectly and it was like he handcrafted the album himself. he missed sending the link and listening to it on repeat like a lovesick fool

he missed sending good morning/night texts, putting all his time aside just to fall head over heels again like he was on his skateboard. taichi knew he was a good boyfriend, that he loved with all of his heart and his feelings were real. but, he missed all of it, he missed love so much. taichi needed love

(it was so fucked up, but taichi sometimes listened to all the music he dedicated to them at night and stared up at his dark bedroom ceiling, crying just wishing he didn’t break it off. that he kept the toxic relationship going for just a bit more, just for the attention. he missed them)

so, taichi knew what he had to do. he actively started looking for love, not caring if he was going to get hurt again or if his heart was weak and broken from his last situation

(taichi’s reliance on love was so unhealthy, that even his friends got tired of his whining and eventually stopped communicating back when he went on a rant again)

(taichi didn’t mind, his dependency and need to be someone’s and be their one & only was too strong for him to even consider any other rational solution)

but you, you came out of no where

taichi was busy scrolling through his instagram following list, trying to find out if anyone cute was single. he could slide into their DMs with a fun message, be as enthusiastic as possible to avoid being left on seen. he was considering if he should start a digital conversation as he rode home from school

(he wasn’t the best multitasker. taichi was skating to the dorms, texting on his phone without looking up. he was casually skating before bam! he hit a curb, tumbling to the pavement as his phone flew a few feet away)

taichi groaned, knowing he was going to get scolded and laughed at by autumn troupe the moment he showed up to the dorms like he lost in a fight. as he moved to lay on his back, taichi rubbed his eyes as the sunlight was suddenly blocked from his vision

taichi opened his eyes and looked up, you were looking over him with wide, concerned eyes as you were saying something about first aid and asking if he was okay. taichi just blinked, not hearing you over the ringing in his ears as he stared at your face

you were cute! this could work, taichi just had to say some clever pick–up line you’d like. you would maybe find it so witty that you’d give him your number, you two would walk, form a momentary bond where he’d fall in love, and then you’d leave. taichi couldn’t believe fate finally recognized he needed a partner so it made him fall for them instead (literally)

taichi was about to open his mouth before you took his hand and pulled him up, helping him stand and he stared at your face, trying to process the situation. why were you helping? were you interested? did you want to go on a date? taichi blushed, never having someone ever be this direct to him

in reality, taichi’s sense of perception and reading between the lines was so warped. taichi romanticized his entire life, the way you touched his arm and made sure a completely random stranger was okay. this had to be the universe’s calling! but really, he just fell in love with everyone he met and pretended like his soulmate was out there

(maybe, this was all just an elaborate game to prove to himself that someone could love him. maybe, taichi just wanted to be worthy of someone’s love)

last time, he purposely fell off his skateboard to get a person’s attention. but this time, you were the one who came over to help. maybe, this could be different

“hey, hey! are you okay?!”

when the ringing subsided and he could pick up on your voice, taichi kicked his board up and swung it in his open backpack, putting his free hand out as he grinned like he didn’t just embarrass himself in front of you

“nanao taichi, great to meet you!” he exclaimed, smiling like his elbows weren’t scraped or his uniform was in desperate need of an ironing. he had a dull headache and he needed an ice pack for that bruise on his hip, but he looked so happy

you carefully took his hand, shaking it as you warily wondered how could someone be this happy after crashing like that (it was honestly a wreck, he looked like he could’ve died from the way he landed)

you said your name and the rest was history as he picked up his phone, wincing at the cracked screen, as he asked for your number

from there on, it was the start of a healthy friendship. at first, taichi tried to force this image he had onto you, convinced the timeline was basically telling him he had to do everything in his power to fall in love. but you shut him down quickly, emphasizing you guys were only friends and you weren’t about to risk this great friendship for some fling taichi wanted

honestly, it was for the best. taichi respected your boundaries and backed down (especially after you were adamant on not entering a fake relationship for the attention). when taichi took off his rose–tinted glasses and realized not every relationship he had meant pursuing some fantasy of love only he could imagine, your friendship with him became even better

taichi wrote you letters when he genuinely meant them, not because he felt like he was obligated to. sometimes, when he was so appreciative of how much you were there for him, he wrote pages of what you meant to him. they weren’t heart–shaped, but it had even more meaning because you actually read them and ruffled his hair, saying he was the bestest friend ever

you loved it! even though, he didn’t try as hard as he always did. he wrote your name normally, but you still smiled when you read it. he didn’t dot his i’s with hearts, but you still joked about how messy his handwriting was, and it didn’t bother him! it wasn’t perfect nor a representation of his lovey–dovey heart, but you loved it more than anyone else he ever did it for in his past

(his heart swelled with pride, not because he did something romantic, but because it made you happy. taichi was happy you felt loved, and were loved. was that the true purpose of letters? taichi didn’t think he could’ve wrote letters that were just plain without all the love clichés in the world, but you enjoyed them just the same without the flowery language)

taichi even sent you songs he knew you would love. you always listened to them, even sent back feedback about what you liked. but, taichi didn’t think it was romantic in any way. you appreciated that he took his time to send you something he associated with you. you always sent one back, but it wasn’t random, he always had on repeat whatever you chose because it fit him so well

he even remembered the first time he created a playlist for you on your birthday, selecting the same amount of songs as your age with thoughtful consideration. but this time, he didn’t go overboard and nitpicked at every single beat and rhythm. he just picked songs that made him think of you in a random order, and you still loved it. you even sent a video of you listening to it and shooting a thumbs up to the camera

(taichi’s heart doubled in size. you knew him so well! you knew what he liked and always paid attention to his likes & dislikes just like he did with you! you put in just as much effort with him, you really tried in this friendship and it wasn’t for the gifts he’d shower his future significant other with)

taichi always said good morning/night to you, but you didn’t yell at him when he forgot sometimes. you always said it back and even texted him first on occassion

(his heart was truly overwhelmed with all the subtle love you showed him. for once in his life, taichi felt like this was love. but he didn’t have to follow every romance movie’s rules or imitate every protagonist ever to get that love, all he did was be his true, authentic self)

taichi stopped himself from forcing love onto everyone he met. on nights when he felt like texting his ex again, or rekindling old relationships that didn’t work out for a reason, you stayed up with him, reminding him how much pain he went through and he couldn’t just put himself through hell again

taichi had to accept not everyone was his soulmate–to–be, that maybe this wasn’t his time to be in love. it took so much time to know that he’d rather be in love for a very long time than in short bursts

(not because it was more romantic, but he deserved a long–term, stable relationship that wasn’t just him begging for validation)

you taught him he was more than the people who played him in the past. he couldn’t sink to their level and start messing around just for the satisfaction, he would fall in love with someone right and it would be all worth it

(you two even once got into an argument. when taichi was going on and on about wanting a partner, you cut him off angrily, frustrated he wasn’t listening to your pleas for him to stop. you were so confused why he kept doing this to himself on purpose and if he was going to turn into some player. he kept ignoring you, whining about some partner before you gave up, telling him you couldn’t handle it today)

(that’s what it took for him to snap back to reality, taichi apologized immediately and tried his best to avoid ranting so much. at the end, you were always right and wanted the best for him. taichi had to accept that)

you provided taichi with real love that wasn’t because because he did all these romantic things, it was because you liked him for him. he stopped trying to see you as a potential lover and loved you as a friend, and that was more than enough

taichi had skateboarded to your house, rapidly knocking on your door as you came outside to see him with a boquet of flowers and your favorite candy. your heart dropped, oh no, was he about to confess when you made it clear—

“i love you.” taichi said, passing you the gifts as you stood shocked. you couldn’t believe it, you told him numerous times you two would never be in a relationship like this... you were about to object, reprimand him before he burst out laughing, holding his stomach as he hopped off his board

“oh my god! your face!!!” taichi hollered, trying to contain himself as you smacked his head with your boquet. you were genuinely so freaked out but breathed a sigh of relief once you saw he looked at you the same as before. taichi wasn’t in love with you, but—

“i just came to say i love you, as my best friend. i love you, and you taught me real love. i love you.”

your best friend, taichi, smiled just like that day he fell off his skateboard and scraped up his entire body. you hoped he never changed and stayed the same romantic nutcase as before, but for the right person

as you hugged him, taichi realized he didn’t need a relationship. he needed love, and his best friend was more than enough

[margosturts]

&&.  announcing  her  royal  highness  ,  (  margaret  “  margot  ”  eleanora  louise  stuart  )  ,  the  (  24  )  year  old  (  princess  )  of  (  scotland  )  .  she  is  often  confused  with  (  saoirse  ronan  )  .  some  say  that  she  is  (  withdrawn  and  apathetic  )  ,  but  she  is  actually  (  adamantine  and  perceptive  )  .  (  margaret  )  is  arranged  to  marry  (  any  male  fc  )  .  

hi  hello everyone  !!!    i’m  APRIL ,  i  go  by  she  /  her  n’  reside  in  the  mst  timezone  .  this  intro  is  verrrry  late  but  i’m  real  excited  to  be  here  ahhhhhhh  !!!  find  more  about  my  smart  lil  lady  margot  under  the  cut  !!!   the  usual  rules  apply  ─  leave  a  like  on  this  and  i  promise  to  come  annoy  you  for  plots  .  

*  ──  STATS  .

birth  name  :  margaret  eleanora  louise  stuart  . nicknames  :  margot  . birth  date  :  20  october  1996  . age  :  twenty  -  four  years  old  . zodiac  :  libra  . alignment  :  true  neutral  .   gender  :  cis  female  . pronouns  :  she  /  her  . orientation  :  bisexual  ,  biromantic nationality  :  scottish  . ethnicity  :  caucasian  . titles  :  princess  of  scotland  . 

*  ──  PERSONA  .

born  into  the  scottish  royal  family  as  the  younger  sister  to  catherine  and  soon  became  an  older  sister  to  the  youngest  stuart  ,  matilda  ,  margot  grew  into  her  middle  sibling  syndrome  with  ease  ─  always  forgotten  and  overlooked  but  ,  aside  from  the  initial  jealousy  ,  she  never  really  had  a  problem  with  it  .  she  buried  herself  in  books  !!!  very  much  enjoyed  the  quiet  nights  she  could  spend  looking  at  the  stars  and  took  a  liking  to  learning  that  most  kids  probably  found  really  fucking  pretentious  .  

honestly  she  thrives  on  being  known  as  the smartest in a room  ,  definitely  the  type  to  derive  a  month’s  worth  of  self  -  esteem  off  of  one  compliment  from  a  teacher  .  would   throw   another   student   under   the   bus   to   demonstrate   her   own   intelligence   and   integrity   ajsdsdnjsmk . 

academia  is  literally  her  life  ,  she  loves  the  smell  of  libraries  ,   the  ancient  smoke  of  learning  ,  of  feeling  like  old  wine  in  a  new  bottle  reincarnated  from  the  bones  of  some  old  ,  dead  witchy  woman  who  invented  a  cure  for  cowpox  or  somethin  .

her  years  of  schooling  didn’t  stray  far  from  her  sisters  .  at  first  she  was  taught  by  a  governess  ,  then  attended  gordonstoun  before  going  to  oxford  to  get  her  undergraduate  degree  in  astronomy  .  

margot  is  a  lover  of  the  stars  first  and  a  human  second  !!!  it  was  a  natural  move  for  her  to  pursue  a  phd  in  the  same  subject  afterwards  ─  probably  somewhere  far  from  scotland  tbh  ,  but  still  in  europe    ─  just  so  she  could  eventually  do  some  work  as  an  astrophysicist  .  to  be  honest  ,  she  doesn’t  really  care  much  for  politics  ??  and  has  never  wished  to  hold  any  sort  of  influential  position  in  scottish  governmental  affairs  .  as  one  of  the  more  quiet  members  of  the  royal  family  ,  her  name  was  rarely  tossed  among  the  press  and  she  got  used  to  the  anonymity  ,  only  really  getting  involved  in  familial  matters  when  her  sisters  were  bickering  .  otherwise  ,  she  was  used  to  blending  into  the  background  and  even  prefers  it  .  

she’s  not  really  keen  on  being  in  thailand  for  those  exact  reasons  .  she’s  always  done  her  best  her  entire  life  to  detach  herself  from  the  responsibilities  that  come  with  being  a  royal  ,  both  in  public  and  private  matters  .  in  all  honestly  she  would  rather  anywhere  else  but  here  but  ultimately  gave  in  to  her  mother’s  invitation  .

*  ──  PERSONA  .

two  of  her  biggest  flaws  are  being  rather  judgemental  and  manipulative  .  she  makes  so  many  snap  judgements  but  she  keeps  them  to  herself  so  much  so  that  you  would  probably  never  know  she  hates  your  guts  <3  just  keep  an  eye  out  for  any  passive  aggressiveness  .  and  as  far  as  being  manipulative  goes  .  .  .  she’s  gotten  used  to  seeing  all  sides  of  an  argument  and  predicting  how  someone  might  react  in  a  certain  setting  ,  sometimes  she  doesn’t  use  it  for  the  best  purposes  .  

also  a  chronic  perfectionist  and  doesn’t  have  a  problem  correcting  you  if  you’re  wrong  ,  she’s  very  condescending  about  it  too  akmjsdnjsmdk  

pretentious  motherfucker  .  loves  poetry  ,  especially  the  romantics  ,  loves  morbid  ones  too  ,  edgar  allen  poe  ,  sylvia  plath  ,  allen  ginsberg  ,  she  just  loves  them  all  .  can’t  get  enough  .  her  favourite  films  are  like  .  .  .    wanky  artfilm  independent  european  cinema  .  especially  french  new  wave  .  “  what  do  you  think  of  goddard’s  work  ??  ”

if  she  was  an  animal  she’d  for  sure  be  a  cat  sakmsdjnsdkm  comes  and  goes  as  she  pleases  .  .  .  affectionate  and  warm  on  her  own  terms  .  .  .    sometimes  she  brings  people  weird  gifts  that  are  only  really  gifts  in  her  eyes  .  .  .  yeah  <3

big  fan  of  creating  ambiance  she’s  all  about  turning  of  the  big  lights  and  turning  on  a  lamp  .  .  .  maybe  lighting  some  candles  if  she’s  feeling  crazy  idk  .  .  .

probably  finds  duolingo  fun  .  

she’s  indifferent  to  everyone  who  isn’t  either  her  family  or  like  a  real  close  friend  of  hers  and  has  a  real  hard  time  opening  up  to  new  people  ,  so  much  so  that  she  doesn’t  even   bother  approaching  anyone  .  it  can  come  across  as  bitchy  but  really  it  just  stems  from  her  introvertedness  and  fear  of  doing  things  outside  of  her  comfort  zone  .  SHE  MEANS  WELL  ,  SHE  DOES  . 

can  have  an  addictive  personality  sometimes  specifically  when  it  comes  to  hobbies  .  seems  unable  to  do  anything  in  a  small  doses  ,  she  has  to  let  it  utterly  consume  her  .  again  it’s  just  her  need  to  do  everything  perfectly  the  first  time  around  striking  once  more  <3

*  ──  WCS  .

BEST FRIENDS  :   i  would  really  love  for  margot  to  have  at  least  one  person  who  really  truly  knows  her  ,  someone  she’d  drop  anything  for  to  help  them  if  they  needed  and  vice  versa  !!!

CONFIDANTS  :  the  one  person  margot  keeps  finding  herself  talking   to  about  the  things  she  usually  keeps  inside  and  they  do  the  same  with  her  .  i  think  it’d  be  funny  if  both  of  them  find  it  weird  to  do  things  like  go  out  to  lunch  or  shop  together  because  that’s  not  what  they’re  used  to  .

BAD  INFLUENCE  :  don’t  really  know  if  i  would  consider  this  a  ‘  bad  influence  ’  but  please  give  me  someone  who  knows  what  the  Fun  Loving  ,  hedonistic  side  of  margot  looks  like  .  just  teach  her  how  to  have  fun  !!!   without  reading   something .

WILL  THEY  WON’T  THEY  :  a  friendship  that  always  teeters  on  the  line  of  something  romantic  !!!  maybe  they’re  both  oblivious  to  the  chemistry  /  tension  or  maybe  they’re  aware  of  it  because  they  get  jealous  when  they  hear  about  the  other  being  with  someone  else  . . .   maybe  they  refuse  to  do  anything  about  it  because  they  don’t  want  to  complicate  things  or  maybe  they  purposefully  cross  lines  when  they  feel  that  jealousy  . . .  could  be  more  angsty  or  it  could  be  more  wholesome  depending  on  which  way  it  goes  . 

THE  BIG  EX  : margot’s first  real  relationship  ,  and  first  real  heartbreak .  everyone  before  them  had  been  an  unofficial  thing  ,  but  your  muse  was  the  real  deal  .  maybe  one  or  both  of  them  ruined  it  by  being  too  scared  of  their  feelings  to  stick  around  ,  maybe  secrets  and  insecurities  got  the  best  of  them  ,  maybe  one  of  them  was  willing  to  try  but  the  other  wasn’t  .  either  way  it  ended  badly  ,  and  whether  those  feelings  are  resolved  or  not  …  the  world  is  our  oyster  baby  ! 

HOOKUPS  :  friends  with  benefits  and  it’s  not  awkward  between  them  ,  friends  with  benefits  and  it’s  super  weird  between  them  because  they  may  be  crossing  over  into  real  feeling  territory  ,  one  night  stands  /  hookups  that  were  huge  mistakes  ,  one  night  stands  or  hookups  that  were  or  are  being  kept  secret  for whatever reason  ,  someone  who  leads  margot  on  but  never  gets  serious  about  her  ,  or  someone  she  leads  on  but  she  never  gets  serious  about  because  every time  they  get  close  to  anything  real  she’s  pushing  them  away  .

MORE   MORE  MORE !!!

AND FINAL NOTE: GIVE ME ALL OF THE PLOTS !!!!! THAT ARE POSSIBLE PLS AND THANK U <3

[necrmnce]

〔 DANIELLE ROSE RUSSELL, 20, CIS FEMALE, NECROMANCY 〕╰  BROOKLYN FORDE  just  came  over  half - blood  hill .  you  know ,  the  child  of  HECATE  who  was  claimed four years  ago ?  i've  heard  chiron  say  that  she  is  CONFIDENT & PERCEPTIVE ,  but  if  you  ask  the  aphrodite  kids ,  they'd  say  they're  BLUNT & CATTY .  i'd  say  they  remind  me  of  ripped jeans, collapsing into your bed after a long day, hanging polaroids along the wall, and staying up to watch the sunrise,  especially  since  they're  NEUTRAL .  (  ✎  adri ,  20 ,  she/her ,  cst .  )

do  i  feel  like  being  alone  or  with  all  of  my  friends ?  fuck ,  i  don't  know  if  I  should  stay   or  if  I should go 

NAME — brooklyn  andrea  forde.

NICKNAMES —  brook , b .

PRONOUNS — she / her.

AGE & DOB — 20  &  august 11th , 1999.

PLACE OF BIRTH — norfolk ,  virginia .

NATIONALITY — american.

GODLY PARENT —  hecate .

ABILITIES — necromancy ,  mist manipulation , spell casting .

* background overview !

her  father ,  mitchell  forde ,  is  a  chef  in  norfolk ,  virginia .  his  dad  is  from  memphis ,  tennessee  and  his  mom  is  from  new  orleans ,  louisiana .  growing  up  was  just  her  and  her  father  though ,  but  that  was  all  they  really  needed . 

nine  times  out  of  ten  she  would  be  with  her  dad  at  his  restaurant .  at  first  she  would  be  perched  in  a  booth  at  the  back ,  coloring  or  handing  other  waitstaff  the  silverware  they  were  wrapping ,  but  eventually  moved  up  to  sitting  at  the  counter  and  sometimes  helping  with  drink  orders .  the  time  she  spent  with  her  dad  in  between  stays  at  camp  half - blood ,  she’d  make  herself  useful  and  wait  tables  or  help  in  the  kitchen ,  which  she  actually  enjoyed  doing  as  long  as  she  was  with  her  dad . 

some  of  her  favorite  memories  are  the  days  they’d  have  off  from  the  restaurant  and  he’d  take  them  down  to  virginia  beach .  they’d  spend  the  entire  day  there  and  if  she  timed  it  just  right ,  he’d  tell  her  stories  about  her  mom  as  the  moon  met  the  waters  horizon .

she’s  been  in  several  schools  between  norfolk ,  chesapeake ,  and  virginia  beach ,  somehow  finding  ways  to  get  expelled  or  suspended  like  breaking  a  sink  and  blasting  the  library  with  water  or  severely  denting  the  lockers  with  someone  she  pushed . 

she  always  felt  like  something  about  her  was  different ,  like  being  able  to  heal  butterflies  because  she  was  so  distraught  by  them  being  hurt ,  or  bringing  flowers  back  from  the  brink  of  death  by  talking  to  them .  she  never  told  her  dad  about  these  things ,  afraid  he’d  make  it  seem  like  it  was  just  all  made  up  in  her  head ,  but  when  she  was  eleven ,  she  could  apparently  see the  ghost  of  someone  who  wasn’t  actually there ,  he  decided  to  take  her  to  camp  half - blood . 

she  actually  took  the  transition  really  well ,  except  for  the  fact  that  she  hadn’t  been  claimed ,  which  put  her  in  a  position  where  she  still  didn’t  know  what  any  of  her  powers  and  abilities  meant  or  actually  were  despite  speculation . 

that  being  said ...  she  went  on  a  quest  when  she  was  about  fifteen ,  and  one  of  the  members  didn’t  make  it  back .  she’s  carried  that  guilt  with  her  ever  since  then ,  developing  a  bit  of  a  hero  complex  where  she  feels  the  need  to  protect  everyone  so  it  never  happens  again .

she  was  claimed  on  her  sixteenth  birthday  when  she  essentially broke  the  big  house  and  she  assumes  that  was  finally  enough  for  hecate  to  claim  her .  she  couldn’t  stay  mad  for  long ,  considering  she  was  actually  given  a  gift  from  her  mom  and  could  finally  learn  how  to  use  her  powers .

fought  on  the  side  of  the  gods  during  the  battle  of  manhattan ,  is  pretty  salty  that  others  joined  the  titans ,  especially  if  they  harmed  other  demigods . 

* personality !

okay  so ,,, ana  called  her  “ chaotic  baby ,  but  still  baby ”  and  that’s  the  best  description  of  her  ever .

back  home ,  she  was  raised  to  be  a  good  person ,  she  had  a  really  loving  home  that  she’s  thankful  for .  her  biggest  desire  is  just  to  make  her  dad  proud ,  so  she’s  not  really  sure  what  she  wants  to  do  as  an  end  game .

for  years  she  was  the  one  of  the  most  helpful  campers ,  making  sure  that  every  person  knew  at  least  one  smiling  face  around  camp .  she  put  effort  into  almost  everything ,  absolutely  loving  it  because  she  finally  felt  like  she  belonged .  

after  her  quest  with  andromeda  presley ,  that  completely  changed .  she  withdrew  from  nearly  everyone  that  would  let  her ,  spending  even  more  of  her  time  training  and  trying  to  figure  out  what  the  hell  she  could  do ,  even  going  to  the  athena  kids  to  see  if  they  had  any  ideas . 

she  really  shut  everyone  out ,  and  wasn’t  afraid  to  step  on  toes  to  do  it .  the  blame  she  put  on  herself  causing  her  to  constantly  carry  that  weight  and  shorten  her  temper .  it  took  way  less  to  get  her  to  snap  than  it  ever  did  before . 

despite  this ,  brooklyn  will  crack  if  you  really  try .  she  loves  the  people  that  have  stuck  by  her  side  endlessly  and  would  do  anything  for  them .  if  you  somehow  manage  to  get  this  far ,  it’s  like  nothing  ever  happened . 

* headcanons !

so  i  know  for  a  fact  that  her  favorite  song  is  golden  by  harry  styles 

but  she’s  usually  listening  to  fall  out  boy  or  missio  if  she’s  training  ,  she  listens  to  softer  stuff  when  she’s  alone  in  her  room . 

she  doesn’t  like  mentioning  she  has  necromancy  to  most  people ,  because  she  is  not  down  to  be  someone’s  messenger  to  lost  loved  ones . 

she  never  slept  where  she  was  supposed  to  when  she  was  still  in  her  hermes  cabin .  she’d  grab  her  blanket  and  pillow  and  go  out  to  fireworks  beach ,  or  find  a  spot  on  some  cabins  roof  that  had  a view  of  the  sunrise ,  or  sneak  into  the  big  house  to  sleep  on  the  couches  there .  

if  you  come  up  to  her  nicely ,  she’ll  pretty  much  do  anything  you  ask  her .  is  BIG  on  matching  someone’s  energy . 

always  has  on  some  kind  of  heel  because  she  doesn’t  enjoy  having  to  look  up  at  people  all  the  time .  

* aesthetics !

ripped  jeans ,  collapsing  into  your  bed  after  a  long  day ,  hanging  polaroids  along  the  wall ,  and  staying  up  to  watch  the  sunrise ,  candle  lights ,  chocolate  milkshakes ,  high - waisted  jeans ,  standing  on  the  beach  in  the  middle  of  the  night ,  old  leather  jackets ,  journals  filled  with  scratched  out  and  scribbled  sentences ,  restless  nights ,  plants  sitting  on  a  windowsill ,  the  smell  of  rain  in  the  air ,  old  fashioned  rings .

* wanted plots !

i’m the worst at coming up with things but,,,,, here’s a few

general  friends :  some  she’s  managed  to  keep  or  even  make  in  the  last  five  years  or  so .

best  friends :  someone  that’s  been  by  her  side  for  years ,  someone  she’d  literally  trust  with  her  whole  life .

ride  or  dies / other  quest  partners :  honestly  what  it  says ,  maybe  like  two  or  three  of  them  that  have  been  through  the  thick  and  thin  of  it  but  still  have  a  really  strong  friendship  in  the  end ?

confidant :  honestly ,  probably  someone  she’s  close  with ,  but  doesn’t  see  on  a  regular  basis ?  maybe  they  just  train  together  from  time  to  time  to  blow  off  steam ? 

exes  ( good ,  bad ,  anything  in  between ) :  you  know  the  drill ,  hit  me  with  the  good  angst . ( male ,  female ,  nb )

hook  ups :  you  also  know  this  drill ,  sometimes  you  gotta  blow  off  steam .  ( male ,  female ,  nb )

i have another idea based off this song ! but  we  can  discuss  it  more  in  detail  if  you’re  interested .

[inflammatoryfandomblog]

on blake and running away

this post will be just me rambling about some tension i’ve noticed in the show for the longest time, yeah? i'm not trying to like, take people’s favorite characters away from them or whatever, but it’s me trying to come to terms with the fact that “running away” seems to be a very common theme for WBY... and for BY, it’s handled a bit oddly.

adam is mentioned as a matter of course, but i don’t really look at him the way you are used to--i don’t talk about the race stuff at all. i exclusively look at his abuse to Blake here; let it not be said that i’m so hung up on the race stuff that i ignore this part of his character. but if talk about abuse triggers you, you may not want to read this--it doesn’t really talk about personal experience at all and it’s not graphic, but this is a deeply personal Topic so i will warn you right now.

since this is long (no, really, it’s long as hell because it takes some explaining, and it’s more me trying to wrap my head around this than coming to a conclusion), i’ll stick it under a readmore:

Hello there!

Now, let’s all get on the same page, shall we? We all know that Adam’s a slimy creep in the show, right? And that most of his words to Blake should be taken in the context of what he intends to do and comes forth from his character?

This is a pretty basic observation... the things that characters say can be safely assumed to have a purpose in some way. Like Adam saying “my dear” or “wow we finally have alone time!” or whatever crap isn’t meant to be taken at face value as romantic, right? In fact, because Adam is (supposed to be) charismatic and an emotional abuser, you should generally assume there is some ulterior motive to what he says. (If this isn’t obvious to you, see Blake telling Yang that Adam only has power because of his manipulation in the Brunswick Arc.)

Which kind of strikes me as weird because... this isn’t really in line with how the writer’s depend on Adam’s dialogue sometimes? At certain points you’re supposed to take his framing as basically true--think of when he yells “what does she even see in you?” which ... is supposed to be taken by the audience as “see, even Adam sees their relationship, in case you haven’t gotten it yet!” rather than the kind of meaningless unhinged statement an abusive, jealous controlling asshole would make,

And like, if it were limited to rare instances like this, I wouldn’t really care about it that much, I would just take the unnatural dialogue as the audience clue-ins they’re meant to be and take Adam’s talkativeness in the final fight as RT being excited that Garrett Hunter can finally do the bare minimum of voice acting. But the reason it bugs me is because Adam was previously used to outright tell us Blake’s supposed character flaw of running away and we were just... supposed to take it at face value?

So, Adam constantly taunts Yang during their volume 6 fight, reminding her of Beacon to no end. And if you know Adam’s character, you’d know that this is meant to be intimidating shit-talking to Yang and to get her to attack him. It’s not even really subtle. “You’re a coward! Just like [Blake]” etc etc etc

(The fact that it doesn’t really work at all in this fight and he fucking keeps taunting her even when it clearly doesn’t work is the reason why Adam is annoying as hell during that fight. I’m salty that I was forced to be put through his voice acting, yes, I’m allowed to be petty.)

Remember this line of dialogue from him, because it’ll be important later: “You’re a coward! Just like her!” He frames her running away as a flaw pretty consistently, and this actually lines up with her character arc:

So flashback to the earlier volumes, right? Blake’s self-identified flaw is that she “always runs away” in volume 2. In that infamous volume 3 fight, Adam says, in response to Blake’s “I’m not running!”: “You will.” And that’s what happens, and it’s supposed to fuel most of the Yang-Blake drama in subsequent volumes. 

Volume 4 has Blake outright say that the reason she ran away was because she wants her friends to hate her so they can be safe, and Sun basically tells her, “you don’t have to be alone, your friends are here.”

In volume 5, Yang reinforces that this is supposed to be a trait of Blake, and it’s also framed negatively: “she ran!” Now Weiss contextualizes this in their talk by basically saying that Blake is lonely and she ran away because she wanted to protect them, and Yang repeats the whole notion of “she doesn’t have to run! We were here for her.” In that very same volume, Blake  “now he can see what it feels like to run away” when she successfully out-organizes Adam. The parallel between Blake now having Support and Backup and Therefore She Doesn’t Need to Run Away Anymore, while Adam Lost His Influence and Therefore Must Run Away.

In the V6 ending  song “Nevermore,” Blake’s first singing part implies that her running away is a character flaw that she got over by killing Adam:

Will I be afraid (Adrienne) Nor will I run away (Casey) It's behind me (Adrienne + Casey) Freedom is finally here (Casey)

So it’s clear that the story the show wants you to take away from this is that Blake always runs away because she views herself as a burden to her friends and won’t let them help her, and she needs to open up more and be more confident in her value as a person and push people away. Her arc is about that in volume 5, where she defeats people via the Power of Friendship. She spells out her character arc to Sun in volume 5, chapter 5:

“I’m going to try and help [Ilia] the way you helped me. You showed me that sometimes you need to be there for a friend even when they don’t want you to be. I was drowning in guilt and fear, and I tried to push you away, but you didn’t give up on me. And I can’t give up on Ilia; it’s about time I saved my friends for once.”

Blake’s character arc post-season 3 revolves around being comfortable with relying on support and supporting others, and that helpfully stops her from running away and lets her face her big problems. 

This would all be all well and good if it weren’t for the fact that running away actually isn’t the bad thing that the show tries to frame it to be, if you were to judge by what actually happened in the events of the show and the actions of other characters, and this is where my big beef with Blake’s arc comes from. I’m going to argue that running away wasn’t actually a character flaw Blake had at all, and the show treating it as such is it basically siding with Adam on this particular issue.

Blake has run away 3 times in the show’s runtime thus far.

1. The first time was in the Black Trailer

2. The second time is in volume 1 when she inadvertently reveals herself as an ex-White Fang member to Weiss

3. The last time is during the epilogue to volume three when she absconds to Menagerie

All three instances were actually valid and ended up being good for Blake. (1) is her escaping an abusive relationship. (2) leads to her finding Sun and opening up to a fellow faunus for once. (3) is Blake running away back to a support system she already had--her parents, who are pretty loving and accepting of her. The fact that she ran away might be the best thing Blake did--yeah, it wasn’t perfect, Yang was hurt--but objectively, Blake reconnected with the people who love her unconditionally and she was also there to save her parents from being murdered by Adam.

To pile on to these instances, Blake’s personality is actually rather confrontational. She constantly gets in arguments with Weiss in volume 1, and in volume 2, her character arc is basically her freaking out because they weren’t doing enough about Torchwick. 

But but but--! I hear the objection to this statement--Blake in volume 2 herself said that she always runs away from her problems! Checkmate atheists!

Well, dear reader, it’s not. Self-perception isn’t necessarily always true, especially if you’ve been emotionally abused before, as Blake has been. In volume 2, Blake sees herself as a coward who runs away all the time even though this is directly contradicted by her personality and actions.

Now, who in her past might benefit from framing “running away” as a bad thing? That leaving him to “run away” to other people means she’s a coward?

If you bothered to remember the quote I told you to remember earlier, it’s Adam! Adam stands everything to gain by telling Blake that running away is Bad; stay with me, Blake, don’t run and abandon me like your parents did. This would be the most striking and lasting example of emotional abuse, directly related to Blake’s self-perception and tying into a lot of the things she does in the show.

Would be. But the show sort sides with Adam here--running away is Bad. Adam is, according to the explicit messages of RWBY, what the show wants you to believe, right in saying that Blake always runs away. 

But she doesn’t. Hell, she doesn’t even run away from him when the going gets tough, and Adam himself doesn’t even believe that Blake is a coward. Remember the first time she him saw in in volume 3? They were really far apart and Blake could have just ran, but Adam stabbed a random civvie knowing that Blake would rush in to protect him. And like clockwork, Blake indeed did attack Adam to try to prevent harm.

(And yes, Adam used the exact same trick to lure Yang into attacking him, except instead of stabbing a nondescript extra, he stabbed Blake. Connections!)

This kind of stuff partially why I’ve always been uncomfortable with the abuse backstory, because much like the racism stuff that I have a problem with, the show just... ignores the big elephant in the room. Blake already had this self-image discrepancy going on in the first 3 volumes, but it never properly gets addressed again. Like with the violent-but-not-extremist White Fang and Sienna, it gets a throwaway line to explain its absence: “Yeah, look, Adam called Yang a coward! We’ll just vaguely nod at this!” But Blake’s arc proper? There’s nothing about coming to terms with her running away or using it as a concrete in-story example of her untangling Adam’s abuse--that might actually get people uncomfortable, you see--so it slowly gets morphed into the safer and easier plotline of “see, you just need to let yourself rely on people!”

And it’s weird that it got dropped so easily because “running away” is pretty much a... not a theme, but a thing three of the four main girls have going on. Yang has abandonment issues because her mother up and ran away--in fact, the language of how Running Away is Bad and Cowardly is brought up in the talk-ju-jitsu scene with Raven. 

This is probably the easiest connection in the world to make--Raven and Blake both ran away, but as far as Yang is concerned, it’s okay with Blake because... “she came back,” which... uh??? uhhhh???? It uncritically accepts that Running Away is a Bad Thing--it’s the coming back part (which wasn’t even an intentional thing on Blake’s end; she didn’t even know RWBY would be there) that “redeems” Blake’s sin--see Yang’s “you came back!” and Weiss’s “she will [come back.]”

Which... is actually kind of weird in light of how Running Away vis-a-vis Blake is handled (ie, she gets the notion that it’s a bad thing from Adam--but certainly she shouldn’t go back to him). The show didn’t need to do everything in its power to frame Running Away as a bad thing; it could acknowledge that while it may hurt somebody, running away is sometimes the best thing you can do, and this could actually tie into Yang’s abandonment issues, because if there was a character that also needed untangling with the concept of Running Away, it was her. 

But it seems like Blake and Yang won’t really talk about any of this in the future, because we can’t have conflict because of people’s differing experiences with running away, apparently. Blake’s act at the end of volume 3 did hurt Yang and potentially... swept under the rug, because Blake Came Back, Guys! We can put a ring on it now. Because getting over abuse is always straightforward, you will never make mistakes trying to heal yourself, and there are never hard decisions to make! 

I never see people talk about this, so maybe it’s worth a mention. But Weiss is also technically guilty of Running Away--from an abusive household, in this case, much like her sister. And here, much like with Blake, it’s a good thing. But with Weiss, the narrative actually admits that leaving was the right thing to do for herself and her character arc is actually about that. So it’s exceedingly strange for me that Blake doing the exact thing Weiss does is a “flaw” she had to get over, instead of something that could be looked at and digested.

Blake’s experience with abuse is an element that never seemed to really resonate with me personally, because what I saw on screen and what was implied didn’t add up perfectly. I like the message of “support systems matter” of Blakes volume 4-5 arc in concept, but it never felt exactly right, because what Blake actually resolved and what was visibly her problem never felt 1:1 to me. 

[love-advice-on-call]

Submitted Anonymously (admittedly the ask itself is lengthy, but I’m including it as a whole because there is really important information here for everyone in similar situations):

why do i keep on attracting men who cannot see my worth and use me until i am no longer of use to them? i have noticed this pattern in the men who have been friends of mine or past exes/crushes.

my ex boyfriend made me feel like i was not good enough for him. i felt deprived of the attention and love that i needed at times. it got to the point where sometimes i would throw a tantrum so he would finally acknowledge me. we would get into an argument and then sometimes he would bring up a mutual friend of ours in the conversation. he would mention how she never does this and always understands him. i realized how much that stung to hear. it made me feel like i had failed at being his girlfriend and that i apparently do not know him well enough compared to somebody else.

then, this guy that i recently had fell for, led me on for months on end and made me feel like i had a solid chance with him. he accepted my dreams and hopes. he promised a future with me where i would be taken out on dates and lose my first to him. he stopped being that way with me after a couple of months in our weird friendship. he would only be endearing and sweet to me when he was horny. i became this toy that he used to get off too. stupidly enough, i still thought he liked me and did everything he asked because i was so desperate for him to continue feeling something for me. i found out eventually that he was in love with my best friend. i was pushed to the side when something better came along, basically.

a year ago, an old friend of mine who is married, has 2 kids, and is 30 years old (i am 9 years younger than him), started flirting hardcore with me. i had no idea he was married and had kids until a few months in our friendship to which he explained how he could had sworn he told me. it just made me feel so sick after i found out because he was telling me how much he liked me, wanted to be with me, and explained in depth on what he would do to me if i was with him. he sent me photos, asked to see photos, became pushy when i said no, and wanted me to watch him get off to the idea of me. i explained to him how he needed to stop and it took some convincing for him to finally do that. he also had a girlfriend as this was going on (my other best friend) and i do not think she knows he was doing this while they were beginning to date. i

then, this newest guy, i just want to take things slow, and have normal conversations. they begin that way and then it gets sexual. he starts to address me as a “whore”, “slut”, orders me around to do his bidding, demeans me, and makes me feel like i am just not good enough. i understand how some people get off to this but it has gotten to the degree where i almost started crying because i felt so wildly triggered by it. he stopped right away when i asked him to not stop calling me those things. he told me how he did not want to make me feel like crap or that i was not good enough. so, that is good.

i don’t know anymore. everything is making me feel disgusted with myself and like i am stuck in the body of my child self again. i just hate feeling like i am a second option, a toy to be used with, and that i am just not good enough. i hate it so much.

Response:

So I would like to say is that it sounds like you are describing having a bad dating radar, but the bigger underlying issue is that you seem to be getting mixed up with these really abusive guys.  I think you know this too as you’ve pointed out these guys are jerks, but I’d like to start off with going through your ask and pointing our some of those things to you because I think a 3rd person perception of the situations is important.

“i felt deprived of the attention and love that i needed at times. it got to the point where sometimes i would throw a tantrum so he would finally acknowledge me.....  he would mention how she never does this and always understands him. i realized how much that stung to hear. it made me feel like i had failed at being his girlfriend and that i apparently do not know him well enough compared to somebody else.”

I’m sorry that he’d compare you to other people. Something like that would definitely hurt and it sounds like neither of you were having your needs met in the relationship.

then, this guy that i recently had fell for, led me on for months on end and made me feel like i had a solid chance with him. he accepted my dreams and hopes.

Generally with people leading others on, there is sort of a power dynamic there.  One person has something the other person wants (almost always emotional) and they leverage it to get what they want (sex, attention, control, etc.).

i found out eventually that he was in love with my best friend.

I have my doubts that he was in love with your best friend.  Given how he was treating you it’s more likely this was another relationship where he was also using your best friend.

a year ago, an old friend of mine who is married, has 2 kids, and is 30 years old (i am 9 years younger than him), started flirting hardcore with me. i had no idea he was married and had kids until a few months in our friendship

Ouch, that is really all I can say.  Holy shit I’m sorry to hear that he did that to you and disgusted to hear that he is doing that to has family.  I always hate hearing about these situations.

he sent me photos, asked to see photos, became pushy when i said no, and wanted me to watch him get off to the idea of me. i explained to him how he needed to stop and it took some convincing for him to finally do that.

A bit of good news hear, I’m glad to hear that you asserted yourself when things got too heavy.  This is a tremendous victory and you should really be proud of yourself for doing this.  So many people are not strong enough to stand their ground, but you did.

he also had a girlfriend as this was going on (my other best friend) and i do not think she knows he was doing this while they were beginning to date

I- just... anger, disappointment.  This guy sounds like scum of the Earth.  Not even sure if Satan himself would be able look at this one. Fuck this guy

he starts to address me as a “whore”, “slut”, orders me around to do his bidding, demeans me, and makes me feel like i am just not good enough. i understand how some people get off to this but it has gotten to the degree where i almost started crying because i felt so wildly triggered by it. he stopped right away when i asked him to not stop calling me those things. he told me how he did not want to make me feel like crap or that i was not good enough. so, that is good.

Again, good to hear that you asserted yourself and very glad to hear that this guy respected your boundaries and emphasized that he didn’t mean harm.  Sounds like every one was responsible in the end, but sorry to hear that it did end up hurting you.

What is interesting to point out  though is that this guy took a dominant/deprecatory role and that he did it to specifically you.  Like maybe he knew or felt that you would be receptive/sensitive to it.  In no way am I saying that he meant to hurt you, just saying that maybe he felt like you would be the kind of person he would do that to.

i don’t know anymore. everything is making me feel disgusted with myself and like i am stuck in the body of my child self again.

It is sad to hear and I think there is a lot to uncover there.

Overall, taking a look at everything, there are some common themes going on here.  Throughout everything you talk about positions where you are being deprived emotionally, taken advantage of and used, and there seems to be a power dynamic involved in many of the situations.

What you are talking about here tells me that I think it may be time to look into some therapy and self help books.  I know that might not be the end all solution you were looking for, but you’re describing a complex problem that is affecting your relationships in many ways and it’s something that has been going on for a while.  Instead of a solution, I think it is better to think of this as a goal “to stop dating jerk guys”.  That is all you need to do in reality, but because that takes time, it’s better to think of it as a goal.  Doing therapy, reading books/learning, and doing self discovery will help you achieve that goal.

With COVID going around, you can always do therapy over the phone or over internet.  I myself do this as a patient and it works just the same. Therapy doesn’t always cost money, if you reach out to a local college with an established psychology department, you will find students in training and they offer free sessions.  If you have some money for therapy, then you can look at psychology today to find a therapist in your area.

As for self help books I recommend reading “Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes to "The One" Who Will Make Your Life Hell“ by Bill Eddy.  I haven’t read the book myself yet (admittedly), but I have read a few of his articles and they are very good.  He talks about things like spotting the person who is going to end up being a jerk, before you get to invested which is an important first step. 

I also recommend taking a break from dating.  This will give you an opportunity to look inwards without the distractions from these guys.  It will especially prevent the allure of men filling that emotional gap.  In reality, you are the only who can fill it and you need to accomplish that before you can start seeing other people.  Otherwise we can get situations like you’ve described.

These guys may make you feel like you aren’t good enough, but as we’ve pointed out, they are the ones who are not good enough; And you know these men are no good for you and you know these men are holding your emotions hostage. At the core of you, there is a person that wants out; that wants individuality back, that wants your power, your control, your say, and your satisfaction, and wants genuine love.  It may take some time, but I think you can achieve it.  The important thing to keep in mind through all of this is that you are good enough.  

Wishing you the best and feel free to write in again if you have more questions.

Posted May 10, 2020

[bcdiemcnt]

harry styles !  |    look at the credits to find bodie montgomery ( he/him ) ! the twenty five year old camera operator is known for their work on the hit show: ftlog. their fellow crew members see them as being dependable and humorous, however they are actually very blunt and cynical. seeing them always reminds me of countless empty cup of noodles, a queue of buzzfeed unsolved autoplaying on youtube, sleeping til 4pm & staying up til 6am. 

hello everyone !! it’s caro here back with another annoying boy. i also play my big dummy percy, but i really wanted to bring someone not famous into the mix. this is my smol bean bodie!! just so you know under the cut is a tw for cancer, & mentions of death

my little camera man bodie – also goes by bo or bode, around set a lot of crew members call him by a shorter form of his last name, monty

growing up was quite uneventful in the best of ways. bodie had a pretty pleasant childhood. loving parents and a relatively healthy, happy family. his father is a big hollywood plastic surgeon and mother an architect. they are both extremely hard working and made it a priority to teach him the importance of discipline and responsibility at a young age. they set their expectations for the boy high.

often in his teen years he took care of his two younger sisters, as his parents both work full time. they had a nanny to help, so he didn’t have to, but his sisters always came first to him and being the oldest he is definitely a protective older brother

cancer & death mention tw :  when he was fifteen, his youngest sister, at six, was diagnosed with leukemia. for 2 years his life revolved around her. bodie was never extremely social to begin with, but in high school he was always invited to the parties & the tailgates. it wasn’t a very hard decision, but the boy chose to stay home with his sisters pretty much every weekend.

when she passed away, his family never seemed to get back on their feet. her room was left like a museum, tears and shouting resulting from his mother whenever anyone touched anything in there. once he turned eighteen, bodie moved out eagerly – nothing drastically far, still in the same city (he couldn’t leave his other sister behind!! los angeles born and raised!!! gimme childhood friends plots!!!!) bodie just moved to some shitty downtown LA apartment. being in his childhood home made him feel like he was drowning. tw donezo!

though his family is quite wealthy, his parents believe in bodie earning what he has, when he first moved out they only gave him some of an allowance every semester to help with his tuition. but he got a hold of his trust fund when he turned 21. he’s v frugal though and doesn’t flash his money at all, most people don’t even really know he has any money unless they knew him when he was younger.

SO bodie graduated with a bachelor of fine arts, concentrating in media arts. he hit the ground running as a production assistant in the cinematography department and that was really how he worked his way up to his position now. he aspires to continue to pursue a career as a cinematographer. the boy has a side hustle and shoots for aspiring instagram models lol, he also shoots special events upon request like weddings/bdays/parties

during his time at uni he met a beautiful gal that he fell In Love with. things moved so quickly between the two of them, they got engaged a year in. it was a romantic WHIRLWIND and a really exciting time of his life. but as they began planning their wedding, small arguments turned into full blown fights. they started spending less and less time together and going on less and less dates. they stopped talking about the wedding altogether, but still went through the motions of being together. he didn’t really know he had fallen out of love at first

this is probably his BIGGEST regret of his life – mainly because it fucked with his self perception and he started to let this define him. ALSO he had always prided himself in his ~goodness~ and didn’t really think he was capable of causing sUCH pain and being sO inconsiderate/selfish.. but he started sleeping with one of his close male friends while still engaged and in a relationship. because of that saying “once a cheater, always a cheater” he just can’t forgive himself and also doesn’t really trust himself. he was YOUNG and DUMB, but still wouldn’t ever use that as an excuse. bodie has definitely learned from his mistake.

OKAY jumping to present FINALLY!!

ftlog was not exactly the show he applied to the position for -- he has been with studio3 for a few years working on shows under other titles: production assistant, 1st/2nd assistant camera, he’s worked in the light department for a few smaller shows as well. bodie never really connected with ftlog, but it's his first gig as a camera operator, so he’s pretty excited to finally be the main guy behind the camera.

he’s basically a big fluff ball that has a past and is just trying his best to Be Happy

bodie is an irresponsible mess most of the time to anything non work related. he has to set a million alarms because more often than not, he sleeps through the first few – literally would wake up late in the afternoon every day if he could (HE LIVES FOR OVERNIGHT SHOOTS), he’s is constantly late to everything unless it’s work related. all his closest pals know if u want bodie to be On Time you have to tell him to get there at least a half hour before he really needs to be. he can only make it on time to set tbh. maybe u could see this coming, but he’s pretty much a night owl. he’ll stay up into the wee hours of the morn dickin around

says “oh baby!”, “nah” and “sick” way too much

overall pretty loud and outgoing once he feels comfy around you

is extremely flighty and unreliable when it comes to all things romantic

has 2 instagrams: 1 for business purposes that is solely his photography, and 1 for his artsy fartsy selfies lol and cryptic captions

CONNECTION IDEAS: a crew roommate(s)!! bodie doesn’t need a roommate for rent reasons, he just is definitely someone that likes the company of roommates. university pals!! maybe a star he shoots frequently on his side hustle, so they’ve developed a friendship. an ex!! bodie hates the spotlight though and actively works to keep himself as much of a fly on the wall as he can so if his ex was a star he’d literally combust the first time they got papped together. there’s a good chance bodie would break it off b4 it really got serious tho. this is all i have rn but i’m down to plot or go of chem!!! like this and i’ll come bug u!!!

[yung-gunshot]

In questions!

thank you denna @kisamas

1. What takes up too much of your time? rn its mainly vibeo game and anime. i still play djmax respect like almost every single day plus also playing ace combat 5 & 7 and i recently finished watching ergo proxy which was pretty cool

2. What makes your day better? cooking something yummy like pasta or curry makes my day better and just generally playing games something that distracts me from my problems at the moment

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? i made pasta with sausage, broccoli, and spinach for dinner and it was really good 

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? hm i havent really thought about this but i think it would be cool to see the netsphere from blame! but without being involved in all the fucked up stuff i just love the architecture 

5. Are you good at giving advice? i would like to think so but none of my friends i know irl reach out to me so maybe i think not i just speak bollocks 

6. Do you have a mental illness? hm not sure, i never got officially diagnosed but im pretty sure i may have developed depression ever since i graduated hs

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? i dont think i have 

8. What musician inspires you the most? not sure about musicians but deathgrips and jpegmafia have kinda inspired me at the moment just because they make whatever they want without being afraid of what people think of them

9. Have you ever fallen in love? yea its happened twice now

10. What’s your dream date? i dont really think about this just because i dont think it will ever happen but i think just hanging out and going hiking anywhere would be nice and i really enjoy checking out new places to eat in town

11. What do others notice about you? not really sure about this question tbh maybe that im really easy to get along with? and i dont like the fact that i exist outside of my own perception 

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? isolation? but also i tend to bounce my leg and play with my hair a lot

13. Do you still talk to your first love? nope 

14. How many exes do you have? 2

15. How many songs are in your playlist? im not really sure i just have 3 playlists on spotify that most songs go to depending on the mood they are pretty huge though so id say at least 100 per playlist

16. What instruments can you play? i used to be able to play the trumpet in elementary 

17. What do you have the most pictures of? i have lots of landscape pics from the places i go camping and hiking then its just anime girls memes etc

18. Where would you like to go before you die? i think it would be really nice to see japan, korea, and indonesia plus also visit every national park here in the us and some parts in mexico like cancun and puebla 

19. What’s your zodiac? aquarius 

20. Do you relate to it? sometimes but most of the time i think its stupid 

21. What is happiness to you? just living a life where i dont have to maintain a certain image of myself and free from the pressures of modern day life and capitalism 

22. Are you going through anything right now? yea i still havent registered for fall classes yet and also havent been able to find a job either and i lost my friendship with my best friend a month ago

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? i think telling my best friend i grew feelings for them is by far the worst thing ive done to date and its just something im never going to forgive myself for

24. What’s your favorite store? winco, samber and la chiquita (local hispanic stores) and grocery outlet

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? pro

26. Do you keep a bucket list? nope

27. Do you have a favorite album? ive had a few as my all time fav like Emily’s D+Evolution , To Pimp A Butterfly and Toxicity, rn though im really enjoying Dog Whistle by Show Me the Body, Infest the Rats’ Nest by King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard and Veteran by Jpegmafia

28. What do you want for your birthday? maybe some new cardigans and candles would be nice

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? i think people see me as a quiet and distant person because i dont talk that often when meeting new people

30. What age do you seem according to most people? my age (21) -/+ 1

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? i keep it on the corner of my bed next to my head

32. What word do you say the most? bollocks, bellend, fuck, worm 

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? 25

34. What’s the youngest you would date? maybe 20 but they would have to be a very specific type of person for me to consider dating them, safe bet with 21

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? art teacher

36. What’s your favorite music genre? it used to be hip hop for a really long time but now i like rock and metal but really ill listen to anything except for country and edm. ive also just been listening to a ton of vibeo game and anime music too 

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? i honestly think if the world wasn’t dictated by money i would want to live in mexico or japan tbh i like the us but just for the nature and landscapes 

38. What is your current favorite song? Camp Orchestra by Show Me the Body

39. How long have you had this blog for? i think i started in the middle or end of 2015

40. What are you excited for? i cant really say im looking forward for anything other than death stranding coming out and the dlc for ace combat 7

41. Are you a better talker or listener? i think im a better listener than i am a talker bc when i talk i cant even understand what im saying sometimes. listening is much more important to me bc i can actually process what people are saying 

42. What was the last productive thing you did? i talked to my adviser today and made some food and took my dog out for a walk at the park

43. What do you want for Christmas? i would like more board games to play with my cousins and friends and maybe some new pants too

44. What class do you get the best grades in? i dont know about best grades but its usually my painting and drawing courses 

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? 5

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? i honestly dont know and the only thing that comes to mind is being a teacher? i just live day to day 

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? i guess after i graduated hs we were talking before we graduated but things sorta fell apart and i realized my feelings a bit too late to change anything 

48. What age do you want to get married? not sure since i cant see myself being taken seriously enough to want to marry but i guess ill say any age before 40

49. What career did you want to have as a child? i dont quite remember but i recall wanting to do space travel so maybe an astronaut? or astronomer

50. What do you crave right now? emotional stability, some taro milk tea, and more pasta\

im gonna tag @deredere @euthymiclurker and @dementatree :)

[crzygirls]

exo (ot9) reaction: another idol flirts with their s/o

Hi sweetie! Can I get an Exo reaction where some other idol starts flirting with their s/o?? Love you!!💕💕

minseok ✦

minseok doesn’t strike me as an overly jealous person, so watching another idol flirt with his significant other wouldn’t push too many buttons. this is because he trusts you so wholeheartedly, he knows that you wouldn’t intentionally reciprocate flirtatious behavior with someone that isn’t him. even if you do happen to laugh a little too loudly at this person’s jokes or accidentally graze their arm while grabbing your drink, he seems to have a really high level of eq, so he would be really good about keeping calm and reassuring himself that your relationship is too secure for you to cheat on him. i feel as though his level of frustration—because he wouldn’t really get angry—would vary based upon the situation. this idol would have to be doing the absolute most to truly piss him off, but even then he would do his best to respond in a mature fashion.

(ex. “sorry if this comes off as rude, but do you mind?” / “they already have plans then, actually.”)

junmyeon ✧

a well trained leader, junmyeon would know how to conduct himself in these situations based on past experiences, but that doesn’t mean he’s always perfect about acknowledging these experiences and applying them to current situations. he would try his hardest to be mature, though the only way he knows how to successfully do this while also avoiding awkward conversation is to keep his mouth closed entirely. due to this, it’s inevitable that there is going to be some tension between him and this idol. it’s that gross, thick sort of tension that you can just see when you look at the way the interact (or intentionally avoid doing so). eventually, it’ll get to the point where he’s grown tired of smiling through his distress and nudging your side, so he’ll reluctantly choose to speak up. he would be very good at masking his insecurity-driven anger with a level tone, which can be accredited to many years leading painfully unpleasant interviews.

(ex. “haha, (y/n), do you think we can talk outside? it’s kind of... important.” / “do you mind if we step out? my bandmate is having an emercency and i’m kind of their ride home...”)

yixing ✦

i really do hate the clueless yixing trope, but i honestly don’t think he would notice much if another idol was flirting with you. based on his interactions with interviewers and exo members alike, it’s likely that he would simply interpret this as common behavior between two friends. however, let’s say that he does take notice of the forced flirting this person is throwing at you—it’s just that obvious. he wouldn’t really mind unless you do. this may seem a little contradictory to my first statement, but yixing strikes me as someone who would be very perceptive when it comes to negative feelings. he may not know why immediately, but he would definitely be able to tell when you’re feeling uncomfortable in a certain situation. it’s something that will take a minute or two to click in his head, but he would politely put it to bed as soon as it does. he wouldn’t really care if you’re alright with such conversation, though he’s always ready to go to bat for you. when i say “go to bat,” i mean super bluntly and politely tell this person what’s up, you know?

(ex. “oh my, you guys are so cute!” / “i don’t think they’re comfortable being hit on when their boyfriend is right here...”)

baekhyun ✧

baekhyun can be super outgoing in everyday social situations, so i think you’d be able to see the contrast between his typical behavior and his behavior when he’s jealous. normally, he would be injecting himself into the conversation any chance he gets, talking about relevant topics and things relating back to them. however, when he notices that this idol is flirting with his significant other, his demeanor will change to that of a competitive child. he would narrow his eyes at this person for a moment before taking on a more clingy persona. with two arms secured around your waist, he’ll have you wrapped in a comfortable backhug. his head resting on your shoulder, he would shoot a devious smile toward them. instead of being completely active in the conversation taking place, he would merely respond after you’ve said something or something was said about you. he would go out of his way to show this person how close the two of you are, no matter how petty he comes across as.

(ex. “their eyes are pretty, aren’t they? i tell them that every night.” / “trust me, they’ll be very busy every night this week.”)

jongdae ✦

jongdae would be very similar to baekhyun in his response to jealousy. contrasting to the older member though, i feel that he would try his best to get you away from the idol in question, in addition to becoming incredibly clingy and boastful of your relationship. he seems like the type of person who would be protective, enough to want you away from this person entirely. he would be racking his brain in an attempt to find any good excuse to get you away from them and with friends he trusts a lot more. if he’s unsuccessful, he’ll be very similar to his hyung in that he would go out of his way to mention your partnership as often as possible, yet he’ll do do in the most faux-friendly way possible. his hand won’t be resting on your waist, but rather your ass. not only this, but the second you’re not paying attention, he’ll be giving them the nastiest glare you can imagine. he wouldn’t care about how annoying he’s being; he wants them to get the point and stop hitting on you.

(ex. “new york? that’s so cool! i took them there for our first anniversary and they fell in love.” / “ooh they can’t that day, sorry. i’m taking them out to dinner, but maybe another time, kid!”)

chanyeol ✧

people love to portray chanyeol as this hothead in their aus and such, which i agree with to some degree, but i honestly think that he wouldn’t really know how to react to something that evokes a feeling of jealousy. he wouldn’t be sure how to express his frustration without accidentally taking it out on you, which he wouldn’t risk doing for anything. he wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable as a result of him being weird about it, so he would try his hardest not to let you see that he’s feeling uncomfortable himself. he sees that you’re not reciprocating this inappropriate behavior, therefore he would focus on controlling himself instead. as opposed to blowing up at this idol, he would keep a level head and contribute to the positive atmosphere as much as he can. it wouldn’t be until much later that he allows himself to show his annoyance, as well as confide in you. he would let his forehead smack the steering wheel of his car and do the deepest sigh before unloading everything—starting from how weird that person was and ending with his great efforts not to make you a spectacle.

(ex. “like, the way they were looking at you was so diabolical, i almost lost it for a second there.” / “i was ready to body someone, but i really tried to stay friendly for your sake.”)

kyungsoo ✦

on top of kyungsoo’s resting bitch face, he tends to come off as pretty aloof in a lot of social settings, so it may be a bit difficult to tel whether or not he’s jealous. his feelings would be more easily noticeable if this is an idol he’s close with, as you’ll be able to take note of the fact that his contributions to the conversation are becoming more seldom. he’s a very mature person and he’s definitely not the type to cause a scene over his own jealousy; instead, he’ll fall into a mute state. his hand in yours would become more tense listening to this person call you beautiful and watching them place their hand on your shoulder, which would be a dead giveaway. this would be different from the usual quiet behavior we see sometimes during vlives and such, as there’s more of an intensity to it. it’s really hard to put into words, but if you know kyungsoo well, you’ll know when he’s feeling jealous. you won’t be able to see it on his face or in his responses, but if you’re able to read his body language, you’ll know.

(ex. “yeah, that’s cool i guess.” / “mhm, yeah.”)

jongin ✧

maybe my opinion on jongin + jealousy is a little biased because he’s such a teddy bear, but i feel like he wouldn’t really get angry in response to jealousy. instead, i can really see him being hurt when other people—not just idols—flirt with you. he knows you wouldn’t leave him for anyone else, but watching you obliviously laugh with them would cause this hurt feeling in his chest. seeing you so happy around someone who clearly has something more intimate than friendship in mind will make him worry that he isn’t good enough. he would become silent in the moment, and even for the following days to come. his insecurities would temporarily drive a wedge between the both of you until he’s ready to talk it out. the worst part is that you know he isn’t mad about it; you know there’s a deeper reason as to why he got so bent out of shape. no matter how many times you apologize, it still hurts to see someone who’s usually so happy look like the personification of the sun setting on a stormy evening.

(ex. “it’s whatever. it doesn’t really matter anymore, anyway.” / “i don’t know, i just—watching you with them hurt me so fucking much. it reminded me of you and i.”)

sehun ✦

sehun definitely doesn’t do well with jealousy, if you ask me. being the youngest member of the group, he’s so used to getting a lot of attention from his hyung’s. having said that, i feel as though he’s probably grown accustomed to the same sort of treatment in your relationship as well; he’s a bit of a spoiled brat and we all love him for it. part of this is due to his unfamiliarity with expressing his emotions in a healthy way. i feel like eq would be something he has to work on, as he would snap very easily at the sight of another idol hitting on you. anger is typical for most people in a situation like this, but he would do an especially poor job of holding his tongue and keeping his composure. he wouldn’t really be upset at you either, though it may come off that way at first. he would be snarky toward you on the way home because he doesn’t know how to express his feelings without being completely vulnerable, which can be so scary sometimes. as soon as he realizes how he sounds, he’ll be so quick to sigh and sincerely apologize, as well as explain that the other person had annoyed him, not you.

(ex. “not sure where you’ve been for the last two years now, but they’re not on the market.” / “you can take one look at them and tell that they don’t like the way you’re talking to them, so why don’t you go somewhere before it becomes a problem?”)

[poisener]

ELLE    &     GWEN  :  TWO FRIENDS TORN APART ONLY TO BE BUILT BACK UP AGAIN  :  a mini essay on friendship    &    more . 

       this is gonna be a semi - long ass post    &     hopefully one that is articulate    &    not some garbled mess but here we go .   i have a theory /  inkling about elle & gwen and it’s that they were ACTUAL FRIENDS at one point but had a vague falling out , i.e.  exhibited in the way that gwen’s circle of friends   ( god i don’t really know the girls names except erica & madison so forgive me but you know which girls that are always over at her house  .  ) treat /  regard elle .          elle is perceived as quiet  (     she herself has said she is sensitive /  doesn’t like change     )  ,         i personally write her as having some form of anxiety (    most likely a sort of social anxiety   )      &      people      (     especially girls who run in packs     )     don’t like things they don’t understand /   other girls they can’t control or ‘ figure out ‘ .        elle is one of those girls .  she’s pretty enough to be perceived as a threat by the girls who have hunky    &     potentially stupid boyfriends that would cheat on them  (   clark, jason , etc  ) .  she’s talented enough to be envied  .   she’s determined    &    strong enough to hold her own against people who would speak ill of her   ( though she always seconds guesses herself     &    probably doesn’t think of a comeback until after a situation  ) .  

GWEN’S GROUP OF FRIENDS  .  

     in episode 2  “ our to.wn “  we see elle getting ready for something,  she’s putting on makeup  ,   picking out what one might consider a nice dress, wearing accessories , case    &     point she’s making an effort.  she’s making an effort to distract herself from the dissolving world around her.  she comes up to the house   &    is turned away by one of gwen’s friends told to “ go”  after elle urges that she just wants some company.  the girl then says  “  why don’t you try one of your friend’s houses ??? “  .     at first glance, this is just an obvious reference that she’s a loner .      she has no friends . she has secluded herself from groups . but i think here , beyond her trying to make an effort in this new world , this might have been her old group of friends.       though she’s never been considered the most popular or running with the likes of harry /  kelly ,    she might have been friends of their friends,  mid level acquaintances / tolerated if you will because one of the people in this friend group genuinely liked her    &     i think that person might have been gwen .  

one thing that i did notice    &    that might be deemed insignificant by others or seem as far fetched is how they decorate their rooms .  gwen is in gymnastics /  possibly cheerleading     &     elle is in ballet  / other forms of dance .  they both hang their gymnastic accessories / cheerleading bows    &    ballet point shoes up on the wall straight in a row , as close as possibly to their bed or on an adjacent wall .  now, you may be saying ?  well , a lot of people display their competitive sports / trophies like that but i say ,   like minds think alike    &    i believe either gwen    &    elle were civil and knew each other from shared classes or shared sports / dance centers OR their parents were friends and thus they decided to decorate their rooms the same .  i think there’s some sort of shared /  history and bond between them .   another possibility is that gwen tried to integrate elle into the friend group    &    no one else really liked her so what did gwen do ? she badmouthed her ,  she possibly talked shit about her to her boyfriend who then told jason    &     luke who then told helena who then called her a thot in the hallway.  and yes,  that does seem like a silly / trivial thing in a show such as this to bring up but i think it was significant enough point to be made be elle    &    helena to bring up the past . words hurt especially when you don’t deserve them    &     they come from someone you respect or someone that doesn’t even honestly know you.  helena probably said it in the heat of the moment, there were probably rumors about elle floating around ,  vicious hurtful rumors or “ locker room talk  “ by clark    &     the other guys .  guys who would be influenced by their girlfriends perception of another female . 

now onto how gwen’s friends treat elle (  EP 2  thru finale )  .       they treat her as someone to be ignored . someone to scoff at . someone to pick on so they won’t get picked on by the god tier high school rich kids .      it’s a those who are bullied bully others mentality .     or those who don’t understand someone /  won’t take the time to get to know someone end up making fun of them mentality .      ex.   at prom when elle’s dancing mostly by herself but in their vicinity , the one girl with the wavy hair sort of rolls her eyes /  gives her friend a “ wth she’s fucking weird” look that normally would hurt elle but the girl in the red dress encourages her to dance / grabs her hand    &     twirls her around , this is also the scene where seconds later she bows in front of campbell    &     then they dance to a slow song later on.   it’s pretty sad to realize she probably got ready in her house alone while gwen ,  helena    &     the other girls all got ready together .  

this brings me to the other major theme in this essay that i think     ELLE    &     GWEN ARE BOTH CLOSETED BI’S OR QUESTIONING    &     SOMETHING HAPPENED BETWEEN THEM.   from like episode 4/5 or whatever on  ,  gwen is seen distancing herself from clark     &     she is seen QUESTIONING OTHERS RELATIONSHIPS    &    HER OWN RELATIONSHIP IN THIS NEW WORLD.  

elle    &    reaching out to gwen /  gwen’s friend group  :  

in the church in ep 1 she can be seen sitting close to kelly    &    gwen .  

ep 2 ,  she goes to gwen’s house only to get turned away . 

ep 3,   she gets excluded from the church all girls meeting .  

ep  3.  in the cafeteria, before campbell gives her the prom dress,  she is seen hesitating when seeing gwen, lexie    &    the other girl on those risers in the cafeteria.  gwens looks over for a split second ( so does lexie i think  )    &    elle ultimately chooses to sit by herself for fear of being turned away once more . 

ep 4 , after elle proposes movie night to kelly   &    elle attends movie night by herself ,   clarke    &    gwen walk her back to campbell’s house .  elle even mirrors her own words in ep 2 saying “thanks for the company guys. “ the company she so wanted in ep 2 but was denied .  gwen also lowkey picks up on the off vibe between elle   &    campbell ,  not only because she probs thinks campbell is a creep but because she knows elle personally . there’s a brief flicker of concern right after c kisses elle   &    starts petting her head . yeah, anyone could be weirded out by this but i think she showed genuine concern that a friend would have seeing another friend in this situation . 

ep 9 after the pie poisoning  ,   helena takes elle in     &     elle ultimately leaves helena’s home because she doesn’t want to put her or their other friends in danger. 

  ELLE    &    GRIZZ TALKING  (EP 2 )  /   GWEN    &    GRIZZ TALKING ( EP 1 thru THE FINALE  )      yes,  i don’t think it’s a coincidence that both girls are seen opening up   /  talking about intimate issues with grizz, the other half of a gay m/m couple who are completely the softest in all of new ham  .  grizz approaches elle unprompted in episode 2  “ our town  “  (  cause he’s a nice guy and he could see she was uncomfy  )  when she’s seen on the fringes of the fugitive game .  grizz tells her that everyone is scared    &     sometimes a silly game makes things better, she says that she doesn’t think it’ll help her much    &     she admits that she thinks GOD IS PUNISHING HER .      when i first rewatched  / heard this i was like “ oh she’s talking about campbell “  but i realized we don’t really seem them  together until later on in that episode where campbell  solidifies his choice with her /  they go to prom in the later episodes .   i think that elle thinks god is punishing her for SOMETHING SHE DID RELATED TO GWEN’S FRIEND GROUP OR FRIENDS  .   

quotes from gwen or instances where it seemed to be coded towards her questioning not only the world around her but her own sexuality /  curiosities . 

“  we might have to marry them one day, i mean ,  who else is there ?”   ---- gwen  in ep 2 after the fmk game where they talk about the boys.  

idk what ep but when she just randomly brings up that seth guy.  idk it reeked of “  lol boys like me . i like boys.  i met one once that i’m totes gonna get with later energy “   when everyone knows that’s a damn lie.  i think she overcompensates a lot when talking about guys  / making inappropriate jokes or playing fmk  , etc. 

when helena    &    gwen are getting ready for prom , gwen tells her that she wasn’t even going to go to prom with clarke. their relationship was already over in her mind    &     she was moving on .  she also asks helena about luke    &     them staying together saying ,  “how can you be so certain?” , ALSO , when she mentions stan/ford    &    says there are so many people  “ hot people. hot surfer people . you don’t think you’d be curious?”  got my bi antennas going WAY UP cause she totally could have said “ hot guys / dudes, etc. “   

she also says “  luke wasn’t just the best you could do for now?”  which is how i think gwen views her relationship with clarke    &    the small town that they are in    &    now the current situation they’re in . 

okay but grizz    &    gwen’s whole interactions in the finale screamed questioning / curious to me because g reading thoreau really fucked up gwen i think espc the whole  “ and not when i came to die, discover that i had not lived . “  i.e.  gwen not discovering / exploring her sexuality / her place in the world. 

gwen cuddling g  /  trying to lowkey put the moves on him    &    then grizz admits he’s gay to her.  

“ are you gay through    &    through or mostly gay?”  yeah, that’s insensitive wording    &    ignorant ,  but to her ,  it’s an honest question cause she’s curious about grizz . i wholly believe this was also a hopeful asking for her in terms of “ wow i guess that could be me too eventually?”  like i think she has so much respect for grizz so to see him out here living the best life he can and accepting who he is and telling her about that like  idk i just read that scene of it really opening up her world views /  the possibilities of life as someone who is questioning things. 

TLDR   ;    ELLE & GWEN USED TO BE GOOD FRIENDS . THEY   ARE BOTH QUESTIONING THEIR SEXUAL IDENTITIES  & PLACE IN THE NEW WORLD . THERE WAS SOME SORT OF FALLING OUT THERE I JUST  KNOW IT. GWEN & HER FRIENDS WEREN’T JUST BEING MEAN GIRLS, THEY WERE BEING MEAN EX FRIENDS  .   

[hellholland]

Drunk Me is Stupid Me || Sebastian Stan x Reader

Hope you enjoy this shit! It took me a long time to write it. I’m not fully back on Tumblr and honestly idk when I will be, but in the meantime I’m trying to write for you guys. I’m currently working on part two of remember the pattern and a peter parker request that is insanely overdue. I hope this satisfies you even though it’s not Tom. xx -Ciel 

[IMPORTANT: I’ve altered Sebastian’s age to about 26 for the sake of their friendship timeline and me being shit at math, but it’s still essentially 2018 so that’s a little reference thing]

 Knowing he could see your every move just made you shaky. Sebastian’s eyes followed you steadily, the one drink he had only knocking his perception skills slightly. At parties like this, he was usually watching out for you, as he had for years, but tonight was a different stare. It sent nervous shocks through your body. You were dancing, laughing, smiling, but your eyes betrayed your external feelings. Only you remembered your entire exchange from the previous night, which led to uncomfortable silence between you two since then. He didn’t know why you weren’t talking to him.

For him, some words could ruin  a relationship. In the near seven years of friendship you had, you’d only ever heard him say those make-or-break words to his mother, and in Romanian.

“Te iubesc.”

The day you asked him what it meant three years ago, he only replied “something special.” After sitting in on a few more phone calls with his mom and a Google translate search later, you figured out what it meant and why he refused to say it to anyone but his mother. I love you.

“Anyone you meet, you could lose them at any given moment. I know it sounds selfish, but I guess I’m scared to admit to such a powerful statement. There’s some people you’re kind of stuck with, like family, but you never know how long friends and lovers will stick around. You might think you know that person like the back of your hand, but humans are spontaneous. They say and do stupid things. I’m scared of giving up the control that comes with that sentence. If I keep the use of it limited then I don’t have to worry about giving a piece of me to someone who doesn’t reciprocate feelings...or someone who’s just temporary.” Sebastian rambled, kicking at pebble by his foot, the other foot bouncing up and down as he spoke. “I’ve lost people I said that to. Loving people, or at least admitting out loud it makes it real. It hurts.”

“I think you have to lose some of yourself to feel. There has to be a negative and you’ll have to give up things you don’t want to. I guess you have to go through a lot of bullshit to learn and find someone who won’t leave you. That might just be my opinion, though.” You replied quietly, your heart almost dropping after processing everything he said. Someone fucked him over.

You’d known him for maybe twelve years, best friends in high school, drifting apart after senior year. When you both ended up in L.A you reconnected for a bit, but about a year after he began dating his ex, he hardly talked to you. You’d recognized why and to an extent you understood why he stopped, but it still hurt you. They dated for nearly four years till she broke it off.

That was two years ago. He never talked about her, or rather refused to when you asked. You wanted to tell him how you felt, but you knew you’d lose him. You didn’t want to ruin anything you had. He was your world and your one best friend. Why lose that because of a damn crush? Was he still in love with his ex? Would he actually feel the same?

“You look tired,” someone said in your ear, trying to get your attention over the music. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I just got distracted. I’m fine, it might just be the drinks.” You turned, dragging yourself out of your mind to identify the voice. “Hi, Chris.” You smiled at him half-heartedly and gave him a hug.

“You’ve only had sparkling grape juice, (Y/N). You sure about that?” His hand rested protectively on your back, his head hanging close to yours so you could hear over the blaring noise. “I feel like you’re having other issues.”

Evans was concerned, he was uncharactiscally good at reading people. He was the peacemaker out out the Marvel friends and probably cared a little too much about how everyone was getting along. You guess this is an important problem to an extent.

Blackout drunk Sebastian confessing his undying love for you about eight hours after you got cheated on was a bit of a big deal. While three or four years ago you were completely sure of how you felt about him, there was the paralyzing fear that came with your jeapordizing your relationship. The last thing you wanted to do was hurt him. There was something about loving someone that wasn’t available that was painful, but addicting. As long as one of you was off-limits, there was absolutely no risk of fucking everything up. He was safe. You were safe.

“Yep.” God, you hated confessing your problems. You bit your lip, looking up at him. His eyes were focused on you, eyebrows pulled together. “I did a lot of stupid stuff. I felt stupid stuff. Now I don’t know what to do, or how to feel, how to function. You know?”

He took a deep breath, pondering over his words carefully before replying. “Is it Seb?”

Someone saying his name, his nickname especially, out-loud made you wince. Just because you didn’t want to hurt him didn’t mean it wouldn’t happen. When Chris saw how you froze when he asked, he already knew.

“Damn. I can guess a little bit of what happened but I’m just gonna leave you with this because I know I can’t get involved at this point. He’s over her, your boyfriend was a douchebag and doesn’t deserve you or your mourning, and this has been going on for what, seven years? Just...talk. I don’t know. Yell or something. Even if it doesn’t fix things, you need to be open. Have discussion on the table, okay?”

“We were kids- I, I don’t know if it’s real? What if this is just gonna fuck everything up? I genuinely don’t know how it’d work? What if I’m still in love with Brendon? Or I’m not over him at least? I’m-”

“For the sake of everyone else, please try?” He looked at you expectantly, moving away slowly, taking your drink with his so you couldn’t hide behind it. “Take it slow.”

“I-I don’t know.” But he’d already walked away.

You stepped back, finding support against a wall, trying to think. You wanted him so bad, but you were only fearful. If you lost him, you weren’t sure you if you could recover. Brendon was a one-year denial relationship that obviously fell through, and somehow you managed to reject the trauma. Nothing was setting in yet, your brain was just a whir of panic and confusion.

Members of the MCU cast littered the room, talking and laughing, the other half of party-goers being staff and plus-ones. The enviroment was perfect, something you usually enjoyed, but with everything going on it only suffocated thoughts you were trying to sort through.

Sebastian was talking to three girls you didn’t recognize, smiling and scratching the back of his neck, his gaze flicking between his feet and them. Flirting.

Jesus Christ.

You spun away quickly and walked out of the party, bolting for stairs you only hoped would go to the roof. Just far enough till you could only hear muffled basslines, no voices or anything.

He kept looking for you, stealing quick glances, but you weren’t there anymore.

One steel door was positioned at the top of the staircase, hinting at a nice view of L.A and air that wasn’t tinged with alcohol. The clink of the metal door handle snapped you into reality as you stumbled forward, taking in everything around you. You swung your feet over the ledge, perched on the edge. There was a branch of the building only eight feet down, promising safety if you managed to fall.

He doesn’t remember anything he’s said to me, and he doesn’t know why I’m upset. I’m leaving him in the dark.

But I’m also in the dark. Everything came out of nowhere. Maybe it was because I was sobbing into his chest with a half-empty plastic Ikea cup of wine that spurred him to attempt to comfort me with his own confession?

I was a kid when I loved him, do I still? Is this dumb? I don’t know how to figure out my brain. I don’t know if any of this is reasonable. Am I the one messing this up or is it him? What if this is all a big mistake and I’m not gonna love him like that in a month? I was a little excited, but at the same time really terrified-

Fuckin’ incoherent.

You stood up, shaking as you paced the cement. Rapid ideas passed through your brain, only perpetuating severe stress. None of it made sense. What is even it? What the hell is going on? Fresh air wasn’t working.

“Goddamnit!” You shouted at the sky, arms thrown up in defeat. “Can someone just figure this out for me?”

“Figure out what?” A raspy, familiar voice asked.

You froze.

“(Y/N)?”

You didn’t want to turn around. You didn’t know what you’d do. Or what he’d do. Am I unecessarily complicating this? How convenient of Sebastian to show up now, it’s like a movie or some shit-

His footsteps grew louder till they stopped next to you, and you kept your eyes shut tight. He sighed. “Please talk to me?”  You could see him, messy dark hair, blue eyes and all, staring at the city lights and wondering how he messed up. What he did to make you mad. “I can’t lose you, too.”

Completely against your mind’s will, you scoffed. His eyebrows tightened, the left one slightly crooked up. Even though you still refused to look at him, you could tell exactly what he was doing. If you made eye-contact or anything, it’d make it real.

“Really?” He seemed to be taken aback based on the tone in his voice.

“How do you not remember? How do you-” You whirled around, a shocking anger bubbling in your chest. “You’re not gonna lose me, I don’t know - we might wreck everything we have as best friends but, God, I’m just kind of freaking out because I literally can’t process anything that’s happened in the past four days-”

“Hold on.” he was just as shocked as you but gripped your upper arms to try and steady you. “What do I not remember? Why would we wreck eve-” His eyes widened after a moment of silence before he dropped his hands from you and pressed them to his face. Realization settling in quickly. “Oh, fuck me.”

“I thought I was hallucinating or something, it’s only a little scary right? Nope! I kind of wanna cry and scream and hit someone right now but it’s fine, cause’ my brain is a fucking nightmare!” Your breathing was still erratic like the past twenty minutes, and nothing was changing.

“Are you drunk?” He inquired, hands sliding off his face, his eyes glossy.

“No but I think I’m having a panic attack, it’s all good--I’m just gonna sit down real quick.” You plopped down, not caring whether or not your dress got ripped or dirty. You kind of just wanted to sleep. You felt like you were just trapped inside your skin, unable to control anything or even your own legs.

“Okay, hey, hey (Y/N), you and me both, right? It’s gonna be fine.” He crouched down by you, hesitant to get too close. If it was any other situation, any other panic-attack of yours he might’ve even picked you up, but now he knew that you knew...

“I just don’t know why I can’t think. I could be happy and smart, but I’m not. Maybe I have a weird complex for all of this? Confused-complex?” You started laughing at yourself and your nonsensical rants. Sebastian didn’t.

He just sat with you, staring at you in concern. It was a slightly stressed stare, too. You couldn’t handle it, so you just shut your eyes again and leaned back, trying to steady your breathing. You tried and tried, so badly wanting to only see the backs of your eyelids. No other distractions. “Can I-” he reached out to you, his hands lightly grazing your back. Your muscles tensed and the hairs on the back of your neck stood up.

When you stayed frozen he just wrapped you in a sort-of bear hug, pulling you onto his lap. “This doesn’t mean anything if you don’t want it to, I’m-I’m just worried about you.” He mumbled into your hair, where his chin and lips nearly pressed down and stayed there, but he pulled away.

“Au revoir, don’t be stupid,” Seb said, pressing a chaste kiss to the very top of your head. You laughed in response and didn’t whisper a word to try and keep your feelings contained.

This was a pre-date ritual; Sebastian’s blessing could only mean good luck. Anytime you did something big like this he’d end up hanging out at your apartment, waiting there for when you got back to hear every detail about how awful your date was-or nice, and on occasion he’d have to leave before you got back for ‘reasons.’

Every single one of those dates was just a cover-up and distraction. You’d completely convinced yourself you weren’t in love with your best friend anymore, but somewhere in the back of your mind, just a faint idea lingered. What if?

“I’m sorry,” you began, interrupting the silence that had grown between you two. “For all of this. For me. For making a big deal out of this and not talking about it like any other person would do.”

“Don’t be, I’m used to ‘you’,” he said, exhaling sharply as if he wanted to laugh but his heart wasn’t in it. “If it helps, I’m scared too.”

“Yeah?”

“Drunk me is really stupid.”

You paused before responding. “Drunk you is just honest. Honest with yourself and everyone else. Remember when you got drunk at Chris Hemsworth’s baby shower and cried because ‘babies are really cool and Chris is good at making them’?” You started giggling at the memory, earning your friend’s laughter too.

After a long breath he continued his thought. “I just feel like I fucked us up and lost you or something because you clearly don’t feel the same way, and-and this is all exactly what I was terrified of, I’m kinda out of my mind at this point-”

“Who said that?” You cut him off, your voice dropping to a whisper.

“Said what?”

“That I didn’t feel the same way...about you?”

At this he gently pulled you off his lap, but had you slightly turned so you’d be forced to look at him. “You’re serious? You’re not fucking with me?”

You shook your head ‘no’.

His hands went to his face again, and he tugged at his skin in excitement. The man rocked back onto his tailbone then to a standing position where he broke out into a smile. “Oh thank God,” and in his moment of pure relief, you could only awe at his features, his toothy grin, crinkled eyes and 5 o’clock shadow. “Holy shit...wait but then--why Brendon?” The actor sat down again quickly, eager to talk.

“Cause’ I was trying to convince myself that nothing was wrong and I wasn’t in love with you, because as long as one of us was not available I didn’t have the opprutunity to mess our friendship up I guess? That’s kind of my thing that’s stopping me. Being scared of losing you.”

“Why would you lose me?”

“Romantic relationships are unpredictable. I can’t flush the twelve years of my life with you down the drain if something were to happen, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to hurt you.” You took a deep breath, your throat beginning to hurt with everything you were admitting. “An old friend once poured his heart out to me years ago. He said ‘I’ve lost people I said ‘I love you’ to. Loving people, or at least admitting out loud it makes it real. It hurts.’”

Sebastian’s face fell when he recognized his own words; a subject he’d mulled over hundreds of times. “I have a friend who said something like that, and you know what that friend’s friend said to him?” You smiled slightly at the response. “‘I think you have to lose some of yourself to feel. There has to be a negative and you’ll have to give up things you don’t want to. You have to go through a lot of bullshit to learn and find someone who won’t leave you.’”

“I can’t give you up Seb, I dont want you to be a messy breakup or the “bullshit”, I can’t lose you, I-”

“Then don’t let me be that okay? Maybe Brendon’s the negative, he’s the bullshit, what he did to you causes you to lose some of yourself, and-and now you can feel. Now you can figure it out.”

Your eyes were swelled up, a few tears trickling down your cheeks. He was desperate, trying to get of his words through to you, wanting any of them to work or be comforting.

“What if I’m the someone who won’t leave you, (Y/N)?” His voice was gentle now, pleading and tugging at your heart strings. He was sitting with his legs crossed over one another, and your legs were folded underneath you, your knees basically in his lap.

He gripped your hands, pulling them to his chest. Butterflies woke up in the pit of your stomach and your heart picked up. You looked up at him, finding his striking blue eyes in the dark immediately. They were scanning your face, then locked with yours. “One chance. That’s all we need. I’m just as scared as you are, but we can make it work. If I’m being honest  I’ve waited nine years for this, even when I didn’t know it.” one of his hands still held yours, but the other hand cupped your face, his thumb resting nearby your lips.

He looked beautiful. His cheekbones almost seemed to shimmer in the moonlight, and his mouth was pursed, still intent on watching you. The noise of the streets was only background noise in your ears, as you could only focus on his eyes. You felt like you were falling, or cliff-diving into them. Eyes you’d known for so long, but now it seemed like you could explore them even deeper.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” he whispered, teetering forward. You mirrored his movement, only slightly unsure of your actions.

God, he’s captivating.

You moved further, hands sliding to the back of his neck. His breath fanned your cheeks as you cocked your head to the side, trying to take everything in. His nose bumped yours till finally, his lips softly landed on yours.

It felt like an explosion in your chest, energy pounding through your body. His free arm wrapped around your back, willing you to press closer regardless of how you were seated. You wanted all of him, to be even closer. You ran your fingers through his hair, something you hadn’t done in since he’d fallen asleep in your lap after his breakup. That time it was in comfort, and now it was purely because you just could.

Together you moved in unison and synced movements till you felt him smile again, letting out a breathy laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Your lips curved upward when you heard him.

“Nothing’s funny.” He looked down, almost embarrassed.

“Then what is it?” Your fingers wandered up and down, linking together behind his neck.

“I’m kissing the fucking (Y/N) (Y/M/N) (Y/L/N),” he announced, radiating happiness. “And she said she loved me. Kind of indirectly.” He shifted forward so you rolled onto your back, him ending up on his hands and knees above you, kissing every part of your face he could, sending you in a fit of laughter.

“You’re gonna ruin your tux Sebastian,” you protested, shrinking up at his tickling touches. “That’s expensive.”

“I don’t care, but you might ruin your dress, so,” he leaned back, pulling you up by your hands, still glowing. “Should we-uh, head back downstairs?”

“I don’t really want to,” you said as he stepped towards you, wrapping one arm around your back, the other resting on the side of your neck. “But we should.”

“Five more minutes then?” The man suggested. “I forgot to tell you that you look really pretty, mostly because you weren’t talking to me but yeah, you do-”

“I’m gonna pretend that I wasn’t a bitch for a minute and that that didn’t happen, so, thank you.” You raised your feet a bit, leaning in to kiss him again eagerly. Your excitement only deepened, his arms tightening around you. He moved lower, pressing fleeting kisses to your jaw and neck, nipping slightly one or twice. By instinct, you tugged at his hair. “Sebastian…” you moaned quietly, eyes widening when you realized what you did.

He looked up quickly, surprised at first, then his shock quickly turned into a devilish smirk. “Well (Y/N), if you keep doing that I don’t know if I can do just five minutes, let alone go back to the party.”

“Then don’t.”

“I love that idea.”

“I love you.”

[neverending-city-lights]

A little reflection...

...before I move. Here are the people who meant something to me in Boston (attempted chronological order).

To you: I moved here with you. All those years ago. You don’t cross my mind much at all anymore. I can still remember your face. Your voice. It’s hard to forget after the 7 years you were in my life. I would say I hope you’re doing well ... but to be honest, I really just don’t care. I don't care about you at all. Good, or bad. I used to think that wishing you well meant I was over you. But it didn’t. I was over you when I stopped thinking about you. I’m glad you’re out of my life. You were everything I’ve learned to stay away from. To you ... I thank you for opening my eyes, and I’m glad you’re gone.

To my first friend: We don’t talk anymore. But you were my first friend here. You showed me the gay community. After my breakup, you were there to take me out and show me the world. And for that, I thank you. You introduced me to theatre, and food and so much. I will always appreciate all that you did. But you also showed me a side of myself I was afraid of. You showed me a path I could so easily fall down. A path I would never WANT to follow. I refuse to be a robot. I refuse to let money cloud who I am. And I refuse to so callously talk about people behind their back the way you did. I’m not you. But I could so easily be you and that scared me. So. To you ... I thank you for introducing me to a world I had never known, and I hope you find some compassion.

To my best friend: You and I weren’t friends at first. We were just coworkers. I don't think either of us thought super highly of the other, we just tolerated each other. Until my breakup. At first, I was closer to the first friend. But as time passed, YOU became my go-to. My best friend. I joke and credit you with making me an alcoholic, but you really just showed me how to have fun. How to let loose. How to be less rigid. You showed me emotions and how to feel them and be okay feeling them. You gave me so much more than I can express. I liked you for a moment in time. That stupid, drunk kiss in the Uber. The way we always got too close after we were drunk. But our friendship is what I held onto and what I cherish. I’m glad we never fucked it up. You moved. And we talk less ... but I still consider you SO important to me. I know we’re still great friends, and for that I’m so thankful. To you ... I thank you for standing by me all these years, and I will always, honestly wish you the best.

To the accuser: I can say that I am still fucking furious with you. You were my first friend. I remember the days we spent playing video games on my couch. The flirting. I remember all the gay things you introduced me too and how our friendship flourished over 3 of my 4 years here. But most of all, I remember the beach in P-town. I remember walking with you along the sand and sitting down and talking. Sharing our deepest secrets and fears with each other. I remember that because some part of me fell for you in that moment. And I remember how our friendship changed that day. And I remember it all falling apart one cold day in Boston because of what you said to me. Because of what you accused me of. It was a big deal. And it was awful. I have 0 regrets about never speaking to you again. To you ... I thank you for the sweet moments and letting me see a reflection of myself, and you can go fuck yourself.

To my traveler: You and I met off Grindr. And yet we’ve always been friends, and for that I’m so happy. You met me FRESH off my breakup and I yours, and yet we clicked. You were a nerd, and you were so yourself around me and it was a breath of fresh air! I’m so glad we met. SO glad we met. Because from you, I found a travel buddy! Someone who took me outside the country for the first time. Someone who loved the world and travel and didn't like the confines of the same places. We don't ALWAYS totally agree on politics, and other things, but I love those differences between us, because it makes us who we are, and unique and I appreciate your perspective, always. You taught me it was okay to just have sex. To be a slut. To just live. We teased each other about it, and had competitions and that made me okay with it. And that was invaluable to me. To you ... I thank you for being my friend, because it has meant everything. And I wish you happiness and love because you deserve that.

To my neighbor: I’ve written a lot about you on here. A lot, a lot. I still think about you more often than I’d like to admit, but a lot less than I used to. I haven’t seen you in a long time. And I both miss and hate you. I remember our first drinks together at Tiger Mama. And I remember not talking to you again until you became my neighbor MONTHS later. I remember playing video games with you, and going to the gym with you. God, the gym was OUR thing. We’d work out together on our schedule. Got protein shakes together. It’s funny looking back, because we were basically together, without the sex. Haha, I loved you. It’s stupid to say now. But I did. But we don’t talk anymore. Because of a fight we never had. Because of words nobody ever said. Because I went to P-town for Pride at the same time you did, with the accuser, and somehow we never spoke again. Meh. To you ... I thank you for being who you were to me, because you meant so much to me, and I’ll never fucking forgive you ... so fuck you for all of it.

To my ex: I’m sorry. I can’t even talk about you and you meant the most to me of anyone on this list. I still miss you. But I don’t ... love you anymore. No, it’s been a year. I think I’m finally mostly moved on. But ... you are the biggest part of my time in Boston. You showed me what true love was. You showed me that ... and ... I don’t know if I ever even came close to repaying you for that. I’ve never known happiness ... or joy ... the way I did with you. And that heartbreak ... that feeling has never left me. I really wish things were different. Kids. Hah. To you ... just ... I loved you so much, and I hope you know that. And I do, truly wish you the world. All of it and so much more, because I wouldn’t be who I am without you. 

To the witch: I’m actually glad we don’t talk anymore. But I’m so thankful for when we did. You might not be able to take no for an answer ... but the time I spent with you was always super fun. You helped me flourish in my writing. You indulged my fantasies and the magic I hold in my heart. You introduced me to so many new parts of Boston when I was so down on the world. You gave me light again and that is something I DO thank you for. But you’re too tenacious. No means no. I think you’re special ... but I never thought of you in that way, and I made it abundantly clear and you never listened and for that it soured almost every memory I have with you. Because our friendship was always marred by the fact you liked me. The fact you liked me and KEPT trying to act on it. To you ... I thank you for showing me Boston, and I hope you find the person that’s world is LIT up by you in the way you deserve. But that person was never going to be me. 

To the summer lover: I’m SO sorry. I did not treat you the way you deserved. I took you for granted. I would have never loved you the way YOU deserved, and so I’m glad I broke up with you, but I was still awful. But you made me happy. I’ll remember the balcony and the ciders and the cooking and just laying on your bed and talking. I’ll always have fond memories of kickball because of you. I’m glad I met you, and I’m just ... I’m just sorry for everything. To you ... I’m sorry for hurting you and I do hope you continue to smile and laugh and bring joy to all those around you.

To my poly lover: You are now my ex-boyfriend. I finally broke up with you a  few days ago, but ... you taught me a whole new side of myself. Polyamory. An open relationship. You gave me butterflies. You made me laugh. And smile. You gave me this heady feeling of life that I hadn’t had before. But we weren’t meant to be. Those things gave way to just friendship after a while, and we barely saw each other. I have fond memories of you, and you played a big chapter on time alone and what you showed me. But sadly, you ended up being more a backdrop of my last six months than a main character. And considering you were my boyfriend, it’s kind of sad. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you I loved you, back. But I just never felt it. To you ... I thank you for coming into my life and shaking up my perceptions, and I hope your relationship with your girlfriend (and the couple) remains strong and that you find someone else who can introduce you to the gay world even more than I could.

And finally ... to the husband: Hah. Never would have thought you would get the last mention. Nor that I’d find myself tongue-tied trying to talk about you. We say good morning and good night, every single day. Our snap streak sits at 56 days. The last snap streak I had was with the ex. Which ... is terrifying. Because I really like you. I really, really like you. And we can’t ever be anything because you are cheating on your husband, with me. I’m the side piece. I’m the fucking side piece and like a cliche, I’ve fallen for you. But that’s not the point. You’ve been in my life all of 4 months, and you brought so much to it. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be pining after my ex. If it weren’t for you, these last 4 months would have been miserable. But you made it better. You gave me joy. Happiness. A friendship. And then ... lately ... butterflies. Feelings. The way our hands brushed at your house. Glancing at you during the Super Bowl. Going out to drinks with you. Dancing. Dinner. The way we cuddled in the corner of a bar after everyone had left. The sweet, secret, shared moments between us. I know it can’t be real. None of it can be. And yet my heart fucking soars when we talk about visiting each other after I move. I’m going to miss you so much when I move and that’s so wrong ...and I know it. But I’m going too. I ... fell for you so hard. You’ve meant so much to me the last few months. To you ... I thank you for coming into my life, because I can’t imagine the last few months without you and I hope you stop cheating on your husband. I know you won’t, but I hope you do, because it’s wrong and I know I haven’t helped at all, but I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you to lose everything...so please. And selfishly, I hope we keep talking after I leave, because I’m afraid of losing you.