#my emotional support soap opera <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[azulpitlane]

vicious pt two I ln4

pairing: ex!lando norris x reader, charles leclerc x reader summary: you are trying to move on from lando but he refuses to notes: more dramaaa and asshole lando sorry, this is short cause i kind of got busy🧍‍♀️ part one, masterlist

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, maxfewtrell and 3,268,379 others

yourusername emails i cant send is officially yours💌

it has been a long and emotional process writing this album but i loved and enjoyed every bit of it<3 im so excited to share this piece of my life with you and officially close this chapter and move on

thank you for the support, ill see you all soon❤️

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user OMGG IM ALREADY CRYING ITS SO AMAZING

user stfu is that charles in the fifth pic?!?

user it is!! he was credited in a few songs for instruments🥹🥹

user because i liked a boy hits so different when u know what she went through :(

maxfewtrell running on stream to listen to it

yourusername pls dont hate im still sensitive user omg noo i cant watch whats he saying about it?? user he loves every song, hes being so supportive and said hes team y/n😭

user her friendship with charles is so cute omg

user “friendship” rightttt😏

user lost lando but got charles, a win is a win

francisca.cgomes love love love💌

user omg i know charles introduced them

user ‘ill see you soon’ ARE YOU TOURING???

pietra.pilao so incredibly proud of you❤️ such an amazing album

yourusername p ily and miss u sm🥹❤️ pietra.pilao i miss you more we need to get together soon! yourusername otw to text u so make plans rn🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

user the fact that landos friends are still supportive despite the breakup tells me everything i need to know

user “officially close this chapter” new era fr🫶

charles_leclerc so honored you even asked me to be apart of this❤️so proud of you ma cherie

yourusername so grateful for you❤️ user JUST DATEEEE user now kiss!!!

Lando so you and y/n huh?

Charles she's my friend is that a problem?

Lando i dont remember ever introducing you two?

Charles not that its any of your concern but i introduced myself last year on the paddock while you were too busy ignoring her

Lando so when i had back turned, you took the chance to steal my girlfriend?

Charles dont try turning this into something its not she's trying to move on so i think its time you do the same lando dont ask about her again. read

f1gossip

463,582 likes

f1gossip Following Y/n Y/l/n's album release, Lando and Charles have unfollowed each other on instagram! It is not confirmed if Y/n is the reason why, but it is heavily speculated. It seems Lando was the first to unfollow and Charles quickly followed suit.

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user all too much for little lando norris

user y/n breaking up a friendship now🙄

user she didnt do anything except release an album on how she felt, if lando gets offended by that then hes clearly the problem here

user 16 4 fans lost today but then again lando started it🤷‍♀️

user karma works in funny ways @landonorris

user lando has every right to be mad imo

user not at all, he treated her like shit then cheated and now hes mad she has friends in f1? make it make sense

user why watch soap operas when you can watch f1

user 2024 season is gonna HIT

user charles is going to have the motivation for wdc now, ferrari fans won🙏

user even though im a lando fan, i have to be team charles and y/n on this one sorry

user yup, after listening to her album i definitely support y/n

yourusername

liked by charles_leclerc, francisca.cgomes and 3,295,204 others

yourusername first time performing my new album at my one night show was the best time ever!! thank you for all that showed up you were an amazing crowd❤️

and just in case you missed my little announcement, bet u wanna is my next single of this album...this one's a little funny when you know the context🙊

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user wish i was able to go :(

user WHATS THE CONTEXT??

user listen to the lyrics, lando definetly wanted her back after his side girl cheated AHAH

user i need to know if charles was there

francisca.cgomes such a wonderful night💌 liked by yourusername

user your stage presence is so amazing

luisinhaoliveira99 so great seeing you🤍 liked by yourusername

user SHE WAS THERE?!? user pls tell me you guys took pictures together

user bet u wanna is so good omg

user are you opening for eras tour in europe

user it is rumored, i hope its true😭

f1gossip

376,845 likes

f1gossip Charles, Pierre, Kika and Luisa leaving Y/n Y/l/n's concert in LA tonight! Thoughts on the singer's new friendship with the drivers and girls?

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user i love them😭❤️

user i was there and saw charles with pierre and kika singing along to every song🥹

user SHUT UPPPP user stop theyre so cute

user luisa and y/n mean everything to me

user them supporting y/n despite the drama with lando shows a lot about him

user ive never wanted to part of a gc so bad

user charles is so supportive, yk who wouldnt be....

user i need them to date, he would treat y/n so good

scuderiaferrari

liked by charles_leclerc, yourusername and 1,402,440 others

scuderiaferrari Special guest for the first qualification of the season! Thanks for coming to the our garage❤️

tagged yourusername

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user OMFGGG

user i need pics of her and charles NOW

user charles got p1 cause bae was watching🙈

user is she staying all weekend!?!

user her and charles supporting each other omg

user are they finally dating??

user he was asked about it in an interview and he said they were just friends! user ugh can charles make a move already? i dont want another lando situation..

user i wonder if she bumped into lando😳

Lando was y/n really in ferrari garage?

Carlos yeah... are you okay mate?

Lando how can i be? he stole my girlfriend and is now parading her around the paddock its fucked up

Carlos he did say they were just friends and i didnt see them acting like a couple or anything

Lando there's gotta be something more i just need y/n to see who he really is

Carlos i dont know, maybe its time you move on mate

Lando no, i cant give up now do you have an extra paddock pass?

Carlos why...

Lando remember charles' crazy ex girlfriend who was obsessed with him? i heard shes in town to see him what if we send her the paddock pass so she can show y/n how charles treated her

Carlos this seems a little crazy lando why dont you just talk to y/n?

Lando she wont even let me get near her just please carlos? and then i wont ever bring it up again if it doesnt work

Carlos fine but dont tell anybody about this

Lando thank you mate, i owe you

tags: @iamahallucinationnn, @sofiacblair

[phosphostar]

Could you make hc for the mouthwashing crew (minus Jdiddy) if they had actually been saved and made it back to earth after the crash? Like what life would be like for them? PLS PLS I JUST WANT A HAPPY ENDING FOR THM😭

LMFAO OF COURSE I CAN!!!!!!

return velocity

what if the crew (anya, daisuke, curly, swansea) made it back after the events of mouthwashing..?

cw: uhhh none really? except for what’s under the cut! tell me if i missed anything <3

𝐝𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐮𝐤𝐞

oh my sweet summer boy.

he made it out with uhm

let’s just say a whole bunch of scars

his mom, was obviously worried. horrified. her baby.. hurt?? because of her? her heart is broken

but daisuke’s like “nono it’s okay!! i got a cool scar to show off to the ladies!!”

she just facepalms

i also hc daisuke never really learned how to drive. was too worried about partying. so swansea had to drive him and anya to their respective houses (i’ll get to why curly wasn’t there in a moment)

his parents meet anya and swansea

they are so happy they met swansea. this man taught our son? he’s gonna do great.

until daisuke goes back to yapping about video games. yeah so great.

they heavily thank anya though, for helping with saving daisuke after climbing into the vent. without her, he would’ve certainly died

basically daisuke finds his purpose (keeping cool in situations and dedicating his life to his friends)

𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐚

my poor baby anya

so we all know she struggled getting into medical school prior to the events in mouthwashing

in my mind daisuke’s parents helped pay for her medical school due to her basically saving his life

she goes to medical school, gets her necessary digress, and works in healthcare!!

ABORTS THE BABY.

SHE DOES NOT KEEP THE BABY.

becomes curly and swansea’s primary healthcare worker because she knew them best

really into gardening! helps take her mind off the ptsd of everything that happened

got a restraining order against j-diddy

gets a kitty named towellet. she loves the thing.

𝐬𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐚

oh my swansea. no one loves you the way i do.

obviously is so happy to see his wife

and his kids!! can’t forget about them

they’d be worried sick, obviously hearing about the news of the tulpar

he reassures them that he’s safe (obviously), and he’ll be able to retire!!

his wife is obviously excited

i hc his wife is already retired and his kids already have kids

peepaw swansea for the win <33

i also hc he adopted an old bulldog.

they watch soap operas together all day and snore on the couch super loudly

𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐥𝐲

…

surprisingly didn’t die??

also he wasn’t in swansea’s car because uhm.. he was airlifted to the hospital

his recovery is difficult, obviously

he has moments he’s not sure he’ll make it out alive, and wonders if he should even still be breathing

obviously loves when swansea, daisuke, and anya visit. he literally loves it

he was given a multitude of surgeries, including skin graphs from donors, so some parts have darker hair than others, he thinks it’s cool.

daisuke was also a good match for blood i hc!! anya, daisuke, and swansea now regularly donate blood and plasma <3

i hc curly got an emotion support/guide dog names ratchet

sweetest baby around and curly adores him

he has prosthetics for his limbs, and used to completely cover them, a mask on his face and his hood up to complete the look

now he’s more confident in himself, and will happily go without a mask and basketball shorts!!

he has a voice box, but is still getting used to it!

daisuke bleached all his hair and cut it off for curly to make him a wig

he dosent wear it much, but he keeps it in a safe space

he wears a much more comfortable hair system

daisuke made his out of love, not practicality

𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞

company goes belly up.

curly and everyone sues him. even j-diddy.

they all win

what more can i say

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥

they all still love hanging out, the 4 of them

goes to anya’s graduation

daisuke constantly draws for all of them

swansea fosters kittens

anya loves to bake treats for all of them

curly loves to spin his shoulder around to cause his prosthetic to spin in a complete circle

…

i’m so sorry

𝐣𝐢𝐦𝐦𝐲

well.

woah.

he had a hefty trial.

obviously found guilty

got beat up in prison

was released on good behavior 🖕

i don’t think anya ever truly forgave him, or anyone for that matter.

which like good?

but he does visit curly sometimes at his hospital room

and sends the whole crew birthday/holliday cards

(only sends them to anya after his restraining order is done)

got a pitbull named mikey. loves his baby

he’s trying to turn his life around

he’s definitely still not sane

has been admitted to a mental institution involuntarily a few times

is on heavy medication to regulate his mood

got a sleeve tattoo of stars representing the crew (with their permission). i think he has a full sleeve

(thank you @/curly-my-beloved for that idea!!)

definitely got some of daisuke’s doodles tatted on him

a few important dates

he’s trying to be better

still an ass tho

i still don’t like him

[nathanbatemanfucker]

In Plain Sight: Tiana

summary: nathan does his best to support you.

pairing: nathan bateman x f!reader, f!reader’s mother (Tiana)

contents: this entire series is 18+, sick parent, parent death, grief, panic attacks, existential crisis, support!nathan

wc: 1,360

an: this one is a bit heavy so do heed the warnings. we also jump around in the timeline so it is important to have read previous parts or it won’t make much sense. be gentle with yourselves on this one

in plain sight masterlist | TIONB | planted | little hamlet

3 Weeks before To Atomize*

The day you told your mother about Nathan was one of her last good days. Many, many bad days came after. Celia— her nurse— sent you the usual report before you left to go home. It said that your mother had slept most of the day and gotten a burst of energy.

When you got home that day, she was propped up, watching some soap opera with mild interest. Seeing her genuine smile when you walked through the door had made your heart flutter.

You made her favorite tea, and brought a book to read though you really had wanted to talk to her, not at her. With working, taking care of your sisters, and her health you found that you didn’t get to do that much anymore. Talk with your mother, hearing her thoughts and opinions, her praises and suggestions. Feeling her intentional love. You crave it.

“Have you told your sisters?”

“No— I will. I wanted to tell you first.”

Her brows raise and teasingly she murmurs, “You’re serious about him.”

“I am,” You say through a laugh.

Her smile is so warm, like the sun, the corners of her eyes crinkling, “You love him.”

“I’m not sure yet.”

“But you could?”

“I could.”

“Don’t be afraid to.”

“That’s easier said than done, mama.”

She sighs patiently, shifting more on her side so that she can look directly at you, “Does he love you?”

You grow warm under her serious gaze. You don’t particularly like thinking about Nathan feeling more deeply for you. He’s assured you that he’s in this for the long haul— that he’s ‘spoken for’ but words and actions are very different things. He hasn’t done anything to show he words aren’t true…yet. “I think so. He acts like it.”

“Then let him.”

“Mama—“

“When you find a man that treats you the way you’re meant to be treated, you can’t be scared, darling.”

“But it’s scary.”

“You’ve done so many scary things in your life. You’ve watched my health fluctuate with a brave face. You’ve raised those girls out there. And now you’re on the cusp of falling in love. A beautiful girl with a beautiful heart. Everything will work out how it’s meant to.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I’m not. Isn’t that more reason to grasp it while you can?”

“I don’t know mama, this is all so existential.”

“Promise me something.”

“Anything, mama.”

“Promise me you won’t waste the time. If you want him, if you love him, then don’t waste any time. When the time comes, let yourself as openly and honestly as you possible can. Promise me?”

“I promise.”

—

Present Day (5 months after Family Dinner)

“Honey?”

Nathan’s voice pulls you out of the haze that you seem to always be slipping into now that your mother is gone. It’s hard, not wanting to escape into memories so that it feels like she’s here.

You give him a wane smile, “Hey.”

“I’ve been calling you,” He says softly, sliding onto the couch beside you.

You sigh, shaking your head a little as if that’ll clear the fog, a task that you imagine will take years. “Sorry, I’m just…”

“I know, sweetheart. It’s alright,” He assures you, draping an arm behind you on the couch. His brows are pinched with worry— an emotion you’re still trying to get used to seeing on his face.

You sit up on the edge of the couch abruptly, looking around. Where’s your phone? Your laptop? “Wait, what time is it?”

“Almost 4.”

“I wasted my entire day here?”

“You didn’t waste it. You said you wanted some space, I gave it to you.”

“But this is the only day of the week that I stay this long anymore. You didn’t have to give me that much space.”

“There’s next week and the week after that…and the week after that. I could keep going but I hope you’re understanding our situation here,” He teases gently, running his hand over your back.

You lean out of his comforting touch, feeling guilty. “It’s not, I should be cherishing my time with you. Who knows when—“

He cuts you off immediately. He’s had this conversation with you multiple times since your mother’s passing. He doesn’t want you to focus on him— but on yourself and your sisters, on getting you all through this. “Hey, uh uh, don’t do that. Don’t go there.”

You’re already there. You’ve been there for weeks now. All you can think about is life slipping out of your grasp. Of not having the words or the feelings to make the time dwindling in front of you feel like it's enough. Your chest feels tight, and you scoot further away from him trying to keep yourself centered. Its futile attempt, everything’s all out of whack, you can’t find your balance, your emotions sway and crash around you unpredictably like the waves of a seastorm.

“But, it’s true. I could lose you today or tomorrow. I could lose you right now, you could have some fucked up brain vessel or something. You could choke o-or fall o-or– and Philippa, Emma–”

He cups your hands in his chest, brown eyes soft and desperate as he tries to calm you down. “Honey. I need you to take it down a notch and breathe, you’re gonna give yourself a panic attack.”

“I don’t— I can’t—“ You gulp frantically, feeling your breath grow shallow.

“She was sick,” He whispers, pulling you flush to his chest. “She was sick, sweetheart, there was nothing to be done. I’m healthy, I’m here— so are your sisters. We can get them check ups every month, get them checked out by oncologists as much as you want. Whatever you need to make you feel alright.”

“I feel like I’m going insane. How can having less to do and worry about make me insane?” You say through tears.

Nathan hates seeing you like this. He’s never hated anything more than seeing you in pain. He wishes he could take it away— he would do anything, pay any amount of money, invent any program if it meant that you could have some reprieve.

“Stop. You’re not insane, you’re grieving. Studies say there’s no right way— trust me I’ve looked high and fucking low for a methodology— but you’ve gotta take it as it comes, sweetheart. I’ll be here, right beside you the whole time.”

You’re quiet for a long time, letting Nathan hold you. He rocks you side to side, brushing soft, tickling kisses across your temple and forehead. You focus on the rise and fall of his chest, allowing your breathing to mimic his own. He’s warm and solid against you. He’s right here. Living and breathing and talking right beside you. He’s right here.

Finally you say, “I don’t want to take it as it comes. I want to feel okay again.”

“If I could make it so baby, I would,” He whispers, squeezing you a little tighter.

“I know. I’m sorry. Thank you Nathan.”

He cups your face, guiding your gaze to his own– its unyielding and firm. No nonsense. “You don’t apologize to me, alright? Ever.

He’s been more like that since your mom’s passing. More directive and firm, guiding and caring for you in ways that were necessary before. It’s exactly what you need right now. And sometimes, it has those butterflies settling in your stomach and heat simmering in your veins.

You refocus on him where your gaze had gone a little blurry. “Not even if I accidentally knee you in the nuts?”

Nathan pretends to consider your ridiculous question. “I shouldn’t have had my nuts where your knees are.”

“You may be the closest specimen to a perfect man.”

“I mean it honey, don’t apologize to me for this. I won’t accept it and I’ll yell you every single time.”

You raise a brow at him, “Yell?”

“Yell.”

“You’ve never yelled at me, not even when you were just my boss.”

“Maybe I’m exaggerating,” He allows, grinning at you mischievously.

“You are.”

“Maybe I’m not.”

“Trying to keep me guessing?”

He presses a chaste kiss to your mouth, and then another and another, addicted. “Always, baby.”

nathan taglist: @missdictatorme, @hon3yboy, @runa-falls, @campingwiththecharmings, @toracainz, @steven-grants-world, @clemdango04, @jdbxws, @crispysublimecupcake, @sub-aro, @faretheeoscar, @cupidysm, @whentheskyispinkandabitblue, @nova-ivy541, @sparkypantelones, @veritable-trash, @mangoslushcrush, @thhriller, @tenderhornynihilist, @queerponcho, @redcake333

[mikuni14]

Century of Love - Ep 10 Finale

This will be a general summary of the series.

Overall, I really liked Century of Love, except for most of the last 3 episodes, which unfortunately exceeded my tolerance for the soap opera genre, which is high, but also has its limits 😄 There was also too much crying, I don't like watching it and there's nothing I can do about it..

The plot also seemd a bit dull, replaced by an excess of expressive feelings.

And that's all the criticism, apart from that the series met my expectations 😉

DaouOffroad proved that they are one of the best couples in the BL industry, their natural chemistry has been maintained since LiT and they carried this story, this romance, and made the love believable. Apart from that, they are simply incredibly attractive and watching them is a real pleasure

Daou as a 100-year-old man was totally believable, conveying this specific vibe of older, grumpy guys. He was just as convincing when he cried, writhed in pain, as he was totally in love with Vee and discovered the joy of sex 😏

Offroad as a slightly broken young man struggling with adversity, poverty, his grandmother's illness, loneliness, who still retains his kindness and optimism was also very convincing and wonderful. It was obvious that San would fall in love with him, who wouldn't

special mention to Chibi San, what a kid 💯

the other characters (San's family, Tao, Ton and Third) were really nice, I especially liked how supportive they were of San and Vee and their genuine devotion to them. It's also good that they didn't make Third a jealous villain

Ju is one of the most wonderful girls I've ever seen in any production, EVER, but then again I just love the vibe of the Gen Alpha girls, so no surprise that she was my fav 💖

the humor, lightness, funniness, camp of this series was really good

I'm absolutely delighted that the series overall ignored the reincarnation issue and went in the direction I wanted, which was San falling in love with a specific person and when he made a choice, he didn't look back. And Vee was just Vee, no Vad in him, in his memories, his personality. San, Vee and Vad were all DIFFERENT PEOPLE

I like that the series showed that you can fall madly in love once. And then you can fall madly in love a second time.

I liked that when San fell in love with Vee, neither he nor the series introduced any drama with the "choice" between Vee and Vad. San only had Vee in his heart and only wanted him. 10/10, no bullshit, only true love

San and Vee stayed in character until the end. San "nobly and chivalrously" wanted to spare his beloved pain, Vee of course thought that it was all his fault and San was avoiding him because he didn't want to see him. Was San's behavior irritating? Of course, but just as it normally annoys me, here it surprisingly suited San, BESIDES the series showed that this was the wrong approach with Third's words and resolved it without stupid scenes and unnecessary drama and fight. Likewise, their reconciliation was very delicate and kind, as they are

San and Vee barely holding it all together, their last night together - it was very beautiful and moving. Such beauty, raw emotions, despair and nobility are rarely shown in BL series, but it also works best in costume series and soap operas. I also liked how they spent the last night showing that physical contact is not just sex, that it is something important in a relationship and is used to convey feelings

we got a happy ending and their nice scenes together, when they are happy and free

I can only hope that Daou and Offroad will get the opportunity to star in a well-written and directed series in a nice atmosphere on the set, and that we will see more of Pond and the actress playing Juu and her sweet face 💖

Thank you all for the nice time spent together experiencing this lovely i fun series and the awesomeness of DaouOffroad 💖💖💖💖💖💖 See you soon in their next project!

[absolutebl]

Hi!!! Your posts are always amazing and I have so many bookmarked because you create the best little collections. Anyway, I am in a big BL rut right now and I can't seem to get into anything. Any fast-paced, recs that can bring me out of my slump? Thanks so so much :)

Oooo, fast paced is pretty subjective lemme think...

Imma got with the narrative sense of the word pacing (rather than just an in-your-face fast-moving plot, although that too,) so: good tension, craft, and narrative. Here's my pulls - I went broad and into the well, in case you had seen some recent stuff.

10 Fast-Paced BLs to Pull You Out of a Slump

(I'm assuming you have seen KinnPorsche)

I did a quick pitch for each cause I'm drunk so maybe they're funny, all spelling errors are my own and the result of growing up in 3 different English speaking nations and 2 non-English ones.

Someone wanted more elevator pitches a while ago, here ya go!

Our Dating Sim - nerds in love, reunion, deadlines, gaming, teasing, pining tiny idiots, ADORABLE

2. Semantic Error - you cannot be a BL fan and not have watched this, the ultimate enemies to lovers, also the prettiest

3. To My Star - neurotic actor (actual puppy), grumpy chef, sparks, cooking lessons, LOVE!

4. We Best Love - defines fast paced in romance, literally when asked why his character fell in love so fast Yu said, "well I only had one 20 minute episode." Yet... we BELIEVED IT.

5. HIStory 2: Crossing the Line - it's a perfect sports romance, don't bother me with trifles

6. Not Me - also how do you say antidisestablishmentarianism in Thai? + hot boys kissing who probably shouldn't be and convoluted soap opera identical twins plot... someone at GMMTV thought it made sense, we just here for the tattoos and the the Pride scene

7. The Eighth Sense - who let Korea be this angsty? SO MUCH TENSION.

8. Unintentional Love Story - omg the plot, forced into a totally understandable betrayal, falling in love despite himself, put into a corner he can't get out of, the AGONY, the eyes EMOTING at us in PAIN

9. HIStory 3: Trapped - hot cop falls in love with hotter mafia boss he is chasing for MURDER (bonus weirdly domesticated switch-blade wielding hit-man obsessed with geeky police tech support - COME ON)

10. Long Time No See - assassins, cat fishing, either side of a turf war, HOT sex scenes then even hotter beating the shit out of each other and kissing while COVERED IN BLOOD (this came from KOREA?)

There.

All kinds of flavors.

One of them just HAS to work!

If not, you could go for shorts. Try Strongberry:

(source)

[queenofbaws]

hey queenie, just want you to know that you are severely appreciated. not only are you just a great friend–your comments make me laugh and i always look forward to what you have to say–but you're an incredibly talented writer and i am always so grateful i stumbled across you and your writing. genuinely your writing evokes such emotion, and no matter whether it's fluff, angst, or character study, i always feel at home reading your fics. thank you for being you 💕

🥹

jdksdhajksdhsAJKDHJKASD QUILLLLLLLLLL-UH you can't do this to me!!! i have a spooky image to uphold over here, and you're making me all wibbly wobbly omgggggg!!! the internet is going to think i'm like, a sap or something if they catch me CRYING IN THE CLUB LIKE THIS!!!!!!!

you are too, too, tootootootootoooooo kind (pretend that doesn't read 'toot' over and over, ok? thanks), and coming from YOU??? someone whose stories have had me on the edge of my seat, gnawing my nails, guffawing like a fool, gasping like a soap opera star, and pacing around my room tearing at my hair to walk off some of the tension???????? genuinely this is the highest praise. genuinely!!! thank YOU for being YOU - all your support, your kindness, the JOY you spread, for bullying all the same characters i do, all of it!!!!!! you truly have nooooooooo idea how much your kindness means to me, OR how much stupid irl crap your stories have gotten me through!!! <3

now if you'll excuse me, i believe there's somethING IN MY EYE 😭 WHERE IS MY HANDKERCHIEF

[poledancingghostson]

Favourite Tarlos Scenes!!

Tagged by @guardian-angle22 and @whenshereads thank youuuu

5. “I love how big your heart is for bringing in strays.”

This whole episode could go on here to be honest. I love when this show just embraces how insane it is and goes full comedy and Rafa and Ronen both could easily star in a sitcom. This episode is such a nice light view of their often heavy relationship and it shows how much they love and support each other without either of them being in pain, which is a really nice change. Plus, I love TK loving animals and relate to it a lot because I would also bring home a lizard like that. And also Vegan!TK is canon to me okay.

4. “Lou 2, or Louis the Second”

Can you tell I love lizards??? This scene is just all kinds of lovely and adorable. Never mind the most adorable and gorgeous bearded dragon I have ever scene, the way they support each other and put the other’s needs first here is just *mwah*. I love watching their conflict resolution skills in seasons 3 and 4 because we really see how fucking healthy their relationship is in a way that I don’t think we often see on TV, especially soap operas. Of course this episode drove home that Carlos is not Mentally Healthy lol so he should really go to therapy cos Gabriel (rip tho I notoriously never liked him) fucked him up soooooo bad. Also shoutout to Jewish TK in this episode cos that made me deeply happy. Second shoutout to the entire Riddle of the Sphinx episode which I’m not including only because my explanation for why I love it is pretty much the same as it was for this scene and there’s too many fucking amazing scenes to choose from.

3. “And we’re soulmates.”

Gotta love a comfort scene. I mean. Just the way they love each other so hard in this scene and the way Carlos comforts TK with touch and the way TK wants to protect him but Carlos just can’t fathom a world where he wouldn’t spend whatever life they have together and the way they end the scene hugging instead of kissing??? (Cue Dear Baby from Waitress lmao) They just. They’re so ???? You know??????? Sorry I’ve run out of words. You get it though.

2. “Breathe.”

There’s just so much relief and care in this scene. The number of times I’ve watched it just willing it to be LONGER. I love a reunion scene, I love a comfort scene and this aces both. There was so much great build up to this moment and so many emotions riding on it and it could have fallen flat but it didn’t. TK barely being able to open his eyes but still noticing that Carlos wasn’t okay and taking care of him the only way he could even though he literally just almost died??? Fucking inspired. This enveloping hug???? The love is fucking palpable. What a scene man. What a fucking scene. Wish it was longer.

1. “Tyler, can I say yes now?”

What can I even say really?? It’s the perfect proposal scene. It’s so deeply romantic in its simplicity. It’s raw and honest and not some big public spectacle (which just makes me cringe) it’s just them sharing their love. The scene is emotional and funny and so VERY them. The acting is wonderful, the writing is wonderful, Carlos calling TK Tyler is a God-tier choice every time… I cannot tell you how many times I’ve watched this scene. And it still makes me cry. I want to be enveloped by this scene. I want it pumped into my veins. I want to LIVE in it. Absolute perfection.

Idk who to tag so just say I tagged you if you wanna do it!

[sonysakura]

Perpetually furious

Anyway, this is a vent post containing Internet "friendship" drama, swearing and discussion of death. Replying is okay, ignoring is okay, reblogs are disabled, I just figured I can throw one of my old 2020 reaction images in here as well since I never did and I'm not sure I'd ever find a better post to illustrate with it (originally, it was made for something long since irrelevant).

*looks at his empty wrist* As of right now, it's been 5 days of me being furious because I saw one (1) mention of a few nicknames I never-ever want to see again. This is after I blocked the people, added their nicknames to filtered post content and tags and then also enabled "Hide filtered posts entirely" in XKit (yes, I don't want to see even someone else's posts reblogged from them and to even know my mutuals are still following them). If I can't disappear them off the face of the planet with my mind, I will at least disappear them off my dash. The thing I had to find out 5 days ago... if a filtered word is in the middle of a tag it won't get filtered out. And my habit of reading my mutuals' tags made it so I read a forbidden nickname and has been in a state of fury ever since.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

And before anyone tries to say the word "therapy"?.. Yes, I am doing that. It's been, mind you, 6 sessions already of me retelling these 3 seasons of a dramatic soap opera these people involved me in (fyi I have never been a participant of a fandom/Internet drama until meeting them). And my plan has been to only think about the drama during therapy so it doesn't plague my life the way it did for the past 8 months. My therapist also agreed it's better we do it at my own pace, and actually despite the previous session being the one I was supposed to reach the end of the story on, I felt I don't want to talk about them, about the worst that happened, and we didn't. Apparently, talking about my guilt over me being unable to support my best friend when her mum died and how much the reminder of my parents dying in the future hit me is easier than talking about the way my "friends" behaved.

Shitty two-faced bitches, and I wish I knew worse words to describe them. The one who backstabbed me twice, told someone I loved I don't have emotions, don't love anyone and is just a manipulator, lied to them that they know me well (we talked twice, I literally only wished them happy birthday), then talked to me like nothing happened and only admitted to lying to my face and playing with me (or "joking around" in their own words when nothing really has been a laughing matter in that situation) when they needed my help. They watched me defend them, waited it out and only came clean and apologised because they didn't want to be on the bad side of someone in higher position than them. And then claimed I harassed them and blatantly lied about how often we talk a few months later to get me out of the way.

The other one who didn't reach out despite knowing me for almost a year just because someone else mentioned they had a fight with me, and they decided they better leave it be and just ignore something happened (in hindsight, no wonder, since they believed immediately when someone else started to whisper things about me into their ear later) but then only started talking to me because I guess I'm an easy person to vent to or something. True, I also vented to them because they claimed they're my friend. I didn't realise their friendly attitude is fake, and as I was later told they "wear a mask", and apparently I was just supposed to know it instead of thinking them to be my friend. They used my skills for their needs and then became cold to me when it turned out my character (which they considered aggressive when I was saying things as they are, snarkily replied to rude remarks or just wasn't using emoji) outweighs my usefulness... and got angry at me when I asked them not to speak to me like a child. I was supposed to just take it according to them. And when I decided being under them is too much after they tried to force me to unblock a person who triggered me, they discouraged other people from contacting me, condoned another person to share my private information (some of it taken from a vent even) and lied to people we both know they were saying things to me in DMs which they never did (i.e. "I told them I'd love them back" when they said "I never wanted you to feel upset" and never invited me back or even apologised, then blocked, told me I'm manipulating the events and refused to talk to me afterwards). And all of that while they and their friend continued to misgender me in the space where they thought I wouldn't see it!

And yet another one creeped on me in DMs after they read some melancholic tags on one of my posts and encouraged me to vent to them. And when I got surprised, considering I thought they don't like me since they never interacted with me in public and even ignored me multiple times, they said how I seemed so unapproachable to them and they "waited for me to come to them", and how they actually care a lot and they kept behaving extra sympathetically (and I have no idea how I didn't realise how creepy all this sounds, I guess I held them in such high regard not to question their sudden behavior too much). Later, they told me they like to chat to people privately "friendly and civil" to "keep their enemies close". Yeah, I know, embarrassing I didn't realise this is what they were doing to me... But I only realised after they out of nowhere blocked me without saying a single word after I decided not to work with their friend anymore and said friend then used the info against me that was... strangely familiar to something I didn't talk about to them but to their quiet "keep-my-enemies-close" friend instead. Interesting, right? Not even mentioning the screenshots of their private blog I was sent later where they seemed to quip about me and how I ruined their fun. Sure, I should have just stayed to be the butt of the joke for them.

Well, now, should I also talk about the stupid idiot who I had in my Friends because I thought there's no bad blood between us only to one morning discover they unfriended me and are going around shared servers spreading info that I "blocked them"? And they thought so because... Bet you won't guess? Because they claimed the yellow exclamation mark on Discord desktop app is "the blocking indicator". Just so you know: it's "the indicator" that means Discord can't pull up/load the up-to-date info about the person such as their userpic, about or badges, usually if you aren't friends, or simply don't share servers anymore, or haven't talked in a while. This is done for security reasons. It is in no way "the blocking indicator". The only valid way to know someone blocked you is to try adding a reaction to their message – if they blocked you, the screen will "shake off" the reaction on desktop or simply disappear the reaction or tell you it's unable to add the reaction on mobile (they seem to change it back and forth). In any case, it's impossible for your friend to block you and stay a Friend because Discord automatically unfriends people if one of them blocked the other. But that pinnacle of stupidity saw the "indicator" and then unfriended me because they thought I blocked them, and also was vindictive enough to tell it to everyone. Honestly, this is not the worst thing, I actually got a good laugh out of that part... It is the fact that other people believed them without checking in with me. And started blocking and unfriending me, too. *sigh*

Alright. I'm not as bad as before, now it's somewhat calmer fury, and my eyes are wet so I hope I might cry. Maybe it will help to release this heavy feeling.

And one last thing... If you're reading that, if you reached the end of this post, and anything I said makes you feel uncomfortable about me, just unfollow me. If you've been there and saw what went down starting April 2021 and ending July 2022 and you think I was the only one in the wrong, just unfollow me. If you're only being friendly with me because this is what your culture dictates and you want to be polite and nice, just unfollow me. If you're only here to "keep me close", just please, please, unfollow me and leave me alone. If you consider me a friend, tell me so. I can't stand this guessing and pretending anymore.

[wonkyplate]

this isn’t how it works but i'm gonna do it anyway (tony hawks regular voice)

🎱 haven’t posted anything yet so: bookmarks 147 and gifts 1 :)

🍓 i got into writing fanfics a long time ago when i discovered fanfiction.net as pretty much a kid and i thought "hey that's neat maybe i can make my own little stories" and since then have never totally finished a fanfic 👍 it's called cosmic dread and it's terminal

🌵 not particularly writing music (but yeah it still works) and not a playlist (a beautiful album), just want to share because sturge Should be shared: https://spotify.link/ofKYQWtEjIb

🕯 eugh. like a 4 for editing. it's a love/hate relationship and i'm not sure which of us is in the wrong. we might be doomed (shaky soap opera breath) but i still love him...

🛼 oooh. okay. 🤖🚀💥⚠️🤕 ??? is this anything ???

🥑 i know who's going to send me some obscure gifs and tumblr posts about it

🥤 ahhh. i immediately wanna recommend cargocrate's star wars stuff but this is a trek/tng blog. we're not mutuals but damsondaforge's work is amazing and hits all the right spots 🫶

💌 please don’t ever ask me that again. we don't say that e-word around here

🌻 my bestie juniper :) i love u i hope ur blossoming in ur new job weehee

🐇 i'm... going to assume reader-insert means (Y/N)? i don't like reading or writing reader-inserts (sorry) because it doesn’t feel believable, to me or the audience i'm writing for. i'd rather get lost in a story than have to talk myself INTO a story everytime the reader insert does something i wouldn’t do. i love original characters though, we need more of those beauties

🧃 mm that's easy, this is like my first ever post on this blog. i'm a dog groomer and i almost faint when a dog slobbers on me 😀

🎲 ha! free time. what a concept! i get maybe 3 hours a week that i can confidently label as free time

🍄 favourite dataforge headcanon: data is the little spoon and i'm right

🧸 make me smile or laugh or cry (not in a mean way, i'm just an emotional guy)

🪐 my niece! she's the best 4 year old ever, i love her. i guess work is going well but i'm expanding the business so those three hours of spare time are in dangerous waters. my gender transition is chugging along nicely too, just waiting for my hrt appointment next month and i'm firmly on the wait list for top surgery. woohoo!

📚 a dog on the cancellation list (chow called sui mai 🧡), supplies i need to order for the salon and some crime shows my writing workshop suggested (e.g. taggart, cracker, trial and retribution etc.)

🍬 i'm pretty sure i don't have any unpopular opinions about any of the tng characters. i'm just like sitting here until u hear some unexpected snarling and frothing macbeth-style

🔪 weirdest topic has probably been about go karting and homelessness and any possible connections there. please don’t ask

🦷 nobody is assigned a timeline. do things in your own time and enjoy the seconds, minutes and hours. depression is a terrible beast that gnashes those second hands between its teeth, but once you reclaim your life - go and live it. make decisions and follow through

❄️ oooh i'm not sharing that on the big wide web but cargocrate would turn any old dust into gold. trust that guy with my life

🌿 oof. writer's block, for me, can be defined as low confidence and nothing more or less. what you write isn’t good enough, how you write isn’t good enough, who you write isn’t good enough. it's tricky but writer's block can only be conquered by practising and improving, having a strong support network of like-minded people (other writers, not just people who like to read), a healthy feedback system for all involved and a life to live and experience (to inform your work and to help create ideas). often, writer's block is just the wall you erected yourself and you're panicking because your view is limited. let go of ego, let go of the block

🥐 "minion... is that your pinis...?"

🏜 i haven’t received ao3 comments but feedback from friends is Always useful :D i prefer honesty, and i love it when people tell me what i can try in order to make the piece work better. but you can't go wrong with a solid "AAAAA-"

🍦 augh god i'm gonna get blasted but i really dislike tasha yar's character. i could talk about the technicals that led to this conclusion but we want some good things, so. i like that she was a symbol for women, at the time of airing and still today, to pursue a career that's male-dominated, and the respect she commanded in the position. i enjoyed how unapologetically stubborn she could be with safety of the crew. i honestly cannot summon more thoughts, i'm so sorry tasha

🥝 i don't lie, or i at least don't make a habit of it. i used to lie as a kid (because i got myself into some difficult situations) but hated the feeling of it. i think the last time i lied was a couple of weeks ago when i told my boss the writing workshop had gone well, but i hadn't actually gone. i'd been so defeated by period cramps that i was worried about driving on the motorway - but i wasn't about to shout this across the salon where everyone could hear

🦋 ocean vuong is always on my heart and mind. but also that fucking data & picard song. it's ripping me to pieces. i've almost memorised picard's security code

🦴 mm. science fiction in general is a huge imspiration to me, as well as drama, but my biggest helper isn't media, it's poetry :)

🍅 my biggest weakness with writing is dialogue, i think. i've always struggled with it because i struggle anticipating what Real people are going to say to me, let alone the fictional people in my head. i need to work more on drip-feeding character through dialogue and drive stories forward using it

🐚 it depends on the surprise lmao. if i have to go/be somewhere specific for the surprise, i would really rather people tell me what it is and let me choose if it's worth the time. if it's like a takeaway dinner or some extra dessert i didn’t know about, i'd be a fucking Fool in the tarot deck to turn it away

🪲 again, this feels like an opportunity for people to steal my work so nah i won't be sharing my wip on here. the wip will be shared when it's no longer a wip !

☁️ an old chat with a friend. not sure how we got talking about it but we wanted to know what we'd each look like as a plate. crate thought i'd be orange and a little wonky and i thought he'd be green and patterned. since then, i've always thought of myself as the wonky orange plate :)

🐝 i really only have a couple of friends and this post is making light work of my records 😭 okay i'll play the sentimental card instead and say, my mother. we never used to get along and came to blows (verbally) nearly every week, but much of that was my own fault for being such an angry child. i was acting out of hurt, but i shouldn’t have taken it out on her. now, we live and work together, and i can easily call her one of my best friends 🧡

🌸 mattie! he's a rescued greyhound from the racing industry over in ireland. i love him with my whole and fragile heart

🎨 hhhh there are too many pieces of fanart out there...... but i'm always a sucker for A Fistful Of Datas fanart 👀

🧩 mischaracterisation! ooc! no paragraphs/strange formatting! extremely Long paragraphs! infodumping! a genuine lack of interest to create a story that moves people (this one is tricky to define but, essentially, no substance whatsoever)!

Writers Truth & Dare Ask Game

🎱 ⇢ post your AO3 total stats  🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?  🌵 ⇢ share the link to a playlist you love 🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that? 🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis 🥑 ⇢ you accidentally killed somebody, which mutual(s) do you text for help? 🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love 💌 ⇢ how many unread emails do you have right now?  🌻 ⇢ tag someone you appreciate but don't talk to on a regular basis 🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both?  🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before 🎲 ⇢ what stops you from writing more in your free time?  🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings 🧸 ⇢ what's the fastest way to become your mutual? 🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now 📚 ⇢ what's the last thing you wrote down in your notes app?  🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character 🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project? 🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on ❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best? 🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity 🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh  🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work? 🍦 ⇢ name three good things about a character you hate 🥝 ⇢ do you lie a lot? what's the most recent lie you told? 🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately  🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing?  🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing 🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises? 🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here ☁️ ⇢ what made you choose your username? 🐝 ⇢ tag your biggest supporter(s) and say one nice thing about them 🌸 ⇢ do you have any pets? if you do, post some pictures of them 🎨 ⇢ link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it 🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

[justdoityo]

man im tired im just gonna watch phoenix 2020 and not care about anything thats going on <3 

[thejakeformerlyknownasprince]

Any way we could get like a master list of like Tobias + Rachel moments like “first time they talk about their feelings” and “first kiss” etc? And what book it’s in? If that’s not too much. I love you!!

All right, this is going to be less a master list, more a “things I can think of off the top of my head,” but here it is.

The Non-Definitive List of Rachel/Tobias Milestones:

First crush: #1.  It’s hard to say how much is going on in the background of their first mission, because Jake is a clueless duffer who needs Cassie to explain romance to him and because Jake takes forever to wrap his head around the fact that Rachel is capable of having crushes on boys.  But we know that Rachel is looking at Tobias when she agrees to let the boys walk her and Cassie home, and we know that Rachel immediately jumps to Tobias’s defense when he and Marco start arguing.  Rachel is the most worried about Tobias when the others lose sight of him during that first battle, and the fastest to consider Tobias a part of the group.

Unresolved romantic tension: #3.  Tobias knows he has a thing for Rachel as of this book.  He knows, and he’s not ever planning on doing a dang thing about it, because he’s a bird and she’s a human.  They smash up car commercials together, they hunt for yeerk ships together, and they fly all over town together, but he’s pretty sure they’re going nowhere relationship-wise.  And then Rachel, in the middle of half-drowning in the truck ship’s water tank, starts to say what she needs to say before she dies.  She stays in morph longer than any of the others specifically so that she and Tobias can have this last moment alone.  And Tobias’s response to her near-confession is to grab a dracon beam and go take on an entire yeerk fleet alone.

Acknowledging their feelings: #7.  When the Ellimist comes with his offer, Jake and Marco focus on saving their families, Ax and Cassie go full environmentalist... and Rachel and Tobias are pissed.  Tobias figures out instantly that he’s only there as a human because the Ellimist wants to manipulate Rachel’s emotions through dangling the possibility of de-nothliting her honey-pie in front of her face.  Rachel’s pissed on Tobias’s behalf, Tobias on Rachel’s behalf, and the Ellimist is just deeply amused.

Resolving romantic tension: #12.  When Rachel doesn’t know what to do about the crocodile thing, she goes to Tobias.  When Tobias sees Rachel and Jake headed for another fight, he undercuts it so that Rachel wins.  They banter about Superman and Xena having kids together.  They jerk Marco around together.  They’re a couple already, even if they’ve never even held hands.

First couples’ fight: MM2.  They’re both tired and hungry and injured, to give credit where it’s due, and they’re entitled to get snippy with each other.  It’s also worth noting that they resolve their spat in a pretty healthy way — Tobias acknowledges that he underestimated how hard it would be to control the deinonychus morph, Rachel acknowledges that she underestimated how dangerous the deinonychuses would be, they both acknowledge that they’re not at their best and need to drop the subject until they’re in a better mood.  It’s also when Rachel recognizes that Tobias isn’t, fundamentally, a mere human: she doesn’t reach him through the dino instincts until she pivots from descriptions of fingers and toes and instead reminds him of flying.

Healthiest moment: #23.  Yes, a matter of opinion, but I love how supportive Rachel is toward Tobias throughout this whole book.  She’s quick to reassure him that she doesn’t think it’s weird to eat roadkill, and equally quick to drop the subject when he wants to.  Whatever Tobias needs, from a sympathetic ear to a killer grizzly, she’s happy to help him through this difficult time.

Labeling the relationship: #27.  Bless T.T. and his stupid little 1990s So Cal name.  It takes T.T.’s dimples and his smooth-talking and his sheer ordinariness for Rachel to realize that she doesn’t want dimples or smooth-talking or ordinariness.  She wants the kind of guy who is terrified of water but will become a sperm whale to keep her safe.  She wants a “mouse-eating freak,” because she’s a squid-eating freak herself.  She wants someone around whom she can be ugly, can be vulnerable, can be scared, can be herself.  Also, I love that moment with Tobias commenting that T.T. is “pretty cute, and perceptive too” after T.T. says something unrepeatable about Rachel’s violent tendencies and sense of propriety.

First kiss: MM3.  It’s the moment just after Rachel was “killed” by a cannonball aboard the Trafalager and then pops back up in the middle of Princeton University’s campus.  Tobias runs and grabs her, she smooches him, Marco asks if he can have a kiss as well, the racist dude that Cassie was in the middle of intimidating cries on the floor.  It’s all very romantic.

The L Word: #32.  The whole book is about Rachel learning to reconcile the different sides of herself, but a big part of it is her realizing that Tobias has gone through many of the same struggles.  Tobias knows she’s a killer, and he’s a killer too.  Tobias knows she’s a frightened softie at heart, and he is one too.  Tobias’s entire life has been about him trying to stick together disparate pieces of himself, which is why Tobias is the only thing Mean Rachel and Nice Rachel can agree upon, and it’s why Tobias is the only one whom Rachel wants to see after it’s all over.

Best “battle couple” moment: #36.  A matter of opinion, of course, but I love the moment that the yeerk submarine starts to come apart and Rachel bodily wraps herself around Tobias to protect him.  Honestly the whole motif of them pairing up their battle morphs — hawk-Tobias compensating for bear-Rachel’s major weakness through acting as her eyes and ears, bear-Rachel compensating for hawk-Tobias’s relative delicacy through being the tank of the team — does my heart good.  But I have an extra-large soft spot for this moment because when the shit hits the fan, Rachel’s immediate reaction is to throw her entire body between Tobias and danger.

Picking out furniture: #49.  Yes, Rachel is joking when she tells Tobias that they need to get patio furniture for his meadow, but it’s also an affirmation that they both view this as a long-term thing they’ve got going.  She wants them to have a place together, even if it is a random clearing in the woods with a deeply suspicious number of lounge chairs.

First date: ???  Arguably, Rachel and Tobias never go on a single actual date-date, and I think that’s a lot of the beauty of their utterly unique relationship.  Ones that could count:

Destroying a car commercial in #3.  Although there are hints in #2 that Rachel goes flying alone with Tobias sometimes, this is the first time we actually see them doing something for fun together.

Running around as hork-bajir in #13.  It’s the first time they go on a mission as a couple, the first time they really consider the possibility that they could have a relationship now that Tobias can morph, and the first instance of them using “paired” morphs together.

Tobias’s birthday in #23.  If “date” means sharing a meal together, then by gum Rachel baking an entire cake for Tobias and then having the world’s strangest conversation about his family history while they sit on the floor of her room and eat with their hands has got to count.

The school dance in #29.  This is the first time (that we know of) where they go to a public human gathering as a formal couple.

The opening sequence of #33.  This moment canonically makes “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls their song, and it involves the first real conversation about their future as a couple.

The ending sequence of #33.  EVERYTHING HURTS AND NOTHING IS OKAY at the end of this book, but it also involves them doing human-stuff like hugging and hanging out on the beach followed by them doing raptor-stuff like flying around together, because everyone but especially Rachel is trying to do whatever Tobias needs right then.  It’s also the most emotionally raw moment between them, but one they get through together.

Watching Felicity together in #35.  I love this moment, not in the least because Rachel and Tobias are both like “how dare you interrupt our soap opera with yeerks, Marco?” and it hints at what they’ve been up to in the background of the books they don’t narrate.  It’s also canon that Rachel doesn’t have a TV in her room, so that suggests that human-Tobias and human-Rachel were sacked out on her couch together, possibly while Naomi glared disapprovingly from the door to the kitchen.

Having burgers in #49.  Rachel bringing Tobias McDonald’s is actually the first time they label one of their own meetups as being a date, for what it’s worth.

Most painful moment: #54, duh.  For me it’s a three-way tie between Tobias guiding Rachel through her last battle after she’s blinded by snake venom, Rachel and Tobias both taking on human morph so that they can say goodbye to each other THROUGH A VIEWSCREEN, and Tobias stealing the urn with Rachel’s ashes because he wants her to have a memorial her way.  Ugggghh why do these children wound me so.

[slightlymore]

Pride | Part 8 [The End]

Pairing: Doyoung, Y/N Other characters: Haechan, Johnny cameo Genre: Series | Smut | Angst | Crack | Fluff Warnings: as usual, language, same issues around mental health and unhealthy coping mechanisms, angsty, hard hitting family drama Words: 10K lol idk I wanted to write more bc it feels a little rushed but then it would drag too much

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 |  Part 8 THE END

Okay so I did write this while severely sleep-deprived lol (please get enough sleep, don’t do what I do) so it might be all over the place anyways, when I started Pride I had no idea I would write so many parts, and that it would have been so angsty honk honk tell me if you liked the ending or not and I would love to hear what your overall thoughts on this series are (it’s fine even if it’s like “it sucked aha”) thank you for reading it, I appreciate your love and support a lot!! very many heart emojis here that I can’t do on the laptop, insert also sad clown emoji

TIME JUMPS EXPLANATION

Endind scene commentary 

Doyoung has always regretted the things he had done wrong, when he was feeling weak, or imperfect, or exhausted. He would think about those moments and learn the same thing all over. Never again. And he lived with that mantra for a long time. Never again. Don’t slip, don’t let yourself go. Because it was painful.

But was it effectively painful as is, or was it only because he knew he shouldn’t have done that in the first place? Would it have been painful if he consciously let himself go? Was he feeling guilty for the mistake or for not being perfect? And at night, while breathing in and silently screaming his desire to be fragile, to break, to show people his soft imperfect soul he would think about that again and again. He appreciated that in other people a lot. Why would other people hate it in him? Why has he hated himself for such a long time? It is a denial of the inevitable. Just accept yourself, Doyoung. Accept yourself. Accept. And he thought he did it. Doyoung was sure he did it all. But as the first rays of sun hit his trembling eyelids, he already forgot. He opened up his eyes and looked at his ceiling, not remembering a single thing he told himself in the intimacy of the night.

_____

When the phone rang for the first time, you jolted on your seat, staring it down as if it was some kind of poisonous reptile. 

God, you hated speaking on the phone. 

When it rang again your eyes darted around you looking at the way your desk neighbors were judging you for taking so long to pick it up. 

You breathed in and out. 

“Y/N from Marketing speaking?” you mumbled into it. “Pizza or noodles?” a lazy but confident voice asked. You blinked, silent for a few moments, and looked around as if checking what was going on. “Who is this?” you whispered. A loud snort made you wince and remove the receiver from your ear. “-can’t believe you don’t recognize the voice of the best boy, the light of your life, the reason of your existence, the spawn of god, the joy of your miserable-,” the voice said when you listened to it again. 

You closed your eyes and pinched the base of your nose. “Haechan,” you interrupted the litany, suddenly aware of the migraine lingering in the darkest part of your head. “So, pizza or noodles?” he chuckled satisfied.

It was pizza, and as you sat down for lunch you curiously looked around the dining hall.  It was the first meal at the company and if it wasn’t for Haechan you wouldn’t have even known that there was a cafeteria at all. Your eyes darted to your left. It was louder than you’d expect from grown-ups. 

“Yeah, it’s just like in high school”, Haechan swallowed his food, following the direction of your eyes as if knowing what you were thinking. Then he put down the slice of pizza he was holding and cleaned his fingers on a napkin. 

“Okay, so, that table-”, he indicated with his head a group of people behind him, “lawyers. They can suck my dick and balls. And I’m definitely not saying this because they bully the IT department and we’d kill each other. Then in that one”, he indicated another table in the middle of the hall, “graphic designers. You probably see them around in the marketing wing where you’re at. Eh,” he shrugged, “normal people. Kinda weird. You’d think they won’t have colors on their clothes since they use a computer, but they still do for some arcane reason”. 

You stared at them but only briefly before concentrating on your food as a few eyes returned the glares. The company was big and had hundreds of workers, but for some reason everywhere you looked around, people would stare back and whisper between themselves. “It’s because you made a ruckus at the party yesterday. Don’t worry, it will die soon.” Haechan explained, again reading your mind. It was kind of scary. “Where’s your group of people? Why are you eating with me?” you asked, unable to think about the day before. 

About to go home the previous night, you looked for Doyoung first. You had no idea why. No, okay, you obviously knew why, but you didn’t know what you would tell him if you'd actually found him. 

So you just gave up, suddenly anxious. 

During the drive home, you called Johnny, not caring about the late hour. He had some explaining to do. “I can’t believe you’ve done that,” was the first thing you said into the phone. 

Johnny’s voice was bright and not at all sleepy. He probably wasn’t home. 

“So you’ve met him,” he chuckled lightly. “John,” you murmured tired, unable to say anything more and hoping that the tone of your voice would make him understand. And he did. “I know, I know. But listen, you’re in love with him,” he said. You groaned. “I don’t know, Johnny. I was alright before meeting him again”.

Johnny’s voice got clearer signaling that he went somewhere quieter. “It’s not true. You were not okay. Do you think I don’t have eyes?”

“But what if-” your voice stopped working and you had to gulp down. Your eyes stung as finally, you let your emotions flow after seeing Doyoung. 

God, you didn’t want to cry. 

“What if I’m like this only because I can’t have him? What if, I don’t know, we get together, right? and, and, what if, fuck, I don’t know, I just change my mind? and I hurt him? again? like, like-” you stuttered and ate your words. “Like you did with me?” Johnny asked. You started to cry silently. “Listen,” he repeated calmly, still able to hear your muffled breaths, “it’s going to be alright. What happened with us it’s not your fault, okay? Not entirely. We-” he stopped as well, thinking. “Johnny, it’s fine, we don’t have to talk about that again,” you sniffled. “No, no, wait, I need the right words,” he assured you. “We just weren’t a match, okay? We liked each other because we were good friends and we saw each other grow up, we were always together and we do love each other, okay? we really do, but not- just not that way,” he added after a pause. You nodded, even if he wasn’t able to see, remembering the long and emotional conversation you had a few months ago. “Doyoung though-” he went on and you breathed in and out, “he’s different. And you know that. Everything is different with him. So go and tell him what you feel, Y/N, please. I hate seeing you this way,” Johnny’s voice got thinner as if was worried. You sniffled again in silence and you both just listened to each other's breaths for a while. It calmed you. “Well,” you finally spoke with a hoarse voice. “It’s too late now” “No, no, Y/N-” Johnny interrupted you. “John, he’s married, he got married, he did it, it’s too late, I can’t-” you interrupted him as well. “Okay, okay, he’s married, like a fucking dumbass, okay,” he calmed you again. “But, honestly, I don’t give a single fuck at the same time. You said he didn’t even know the girl. He got set up. By his family. Like in a fucking soap opera. Who does that nowadays?” You sighed slightly amused. “Say fuck one more time”. “Fuck,” he swore then lightly chuckled. “Seriously though, talk to him, okay?”

And you said that you would. 

And now you were there, eyes darting in the cafeteria looking for Doyoung again, heart stinging and anxiety as never before. 

Haechan raised an eyebrow at your question. “I’m eating with you because you would probably eat alone right now. And-” he talked raising a finger as he sensed you wanting to interrupt him, “-if by 'my group of people'" he mimicked the quotations marks with his fingers, "you mean Doyoung, he never eats here. He stays in the office.”

You put your slice of pizza down and crossed your arms on your chest as if indicating that you didn’t like how Haechan assumed things.  Haechan smiled.  “I wasn’t looking for Doyoung”, you lied.  Haechan mocked you with a bemused face. “I wAsn’t loOkiNg foR DoYouNg. I can tell him that you were looking for him if you want”.  “No, Haechan. Wait, I’m-” you clenched your jaw and closed your eyes briefly. 

Haechan stared at you waiting for you to go on sensing something more than just you wanting to see your crush. 

“Do you think I should talk to him?” you asked after the pause.  The boy's eyes turned serious.  “About what?” he asked as well.  You sighed. “About us. We… I don’t know. We almost kinda dated and he liked me first but I liked another guy and then when I understood my feelings he said that he was getting married and I had to act so quickly and I fucking panicked and then he was gone and I realized how much I’m in lov-” you stopped yourself from the frantic babbling. You gulped and looked around, as if afraid of people hearing you, or - worse - Doyoung himself. 

Haechan breathed in and out slowly while adjusting his glasses on his nose. “I think you should talk then,” he replied quietly. 

Your eyes darted towards his, but he wasn’t looking at you. Staring down at his pizza he played with a piece of it, rolling it around. “Are you guys not going along? Do you hate talking about him?” you asked, suddenly aware of his discomfort. 

Haechan thought about it for a second then when he raised his face he got a wide smirk on. 

“Every day that I see him he has a resting bitch face,” he replied, “or he’s annoyed, or he wants to punch me, or he’s like I had enough of you, Haechan,” he deepened his voice trying to imitate him.  You rolled your eyes amused, almost if seeing Doyoung in front of you. 

“Honestly? He’s… weird,” he added a little more seriously. You waited for him to go on, a light pressure wrapping your heart. 

“It’s like,” Haechan spoke again looking at the ceiling as if unsure of what words to use, “he’s a house with all the lights on, and you come closer, but no one is inside?” he questioned looking back at you.  “So you’re left with this sense of worry and uneasiness. I want to understand him but he… won’t let me get close. Not that I actually want that,” he explained with a smile. 

You rested your back on the chair, pensive and suddenly feeling uneasy yourself by Haechan’s smile that didn’t reach his eyes at all.

_____

Insomnia, change in appetite, dizziness, rapid mood swings, intrusive thoughts, lack of concentration, pronounced sensitivity to external events, unfulfilled and intense longing. Isn’t this what Doyoung feared all along? Isn’t this what he tried to avoid? 

“You don’t look that good, son.” 

Doyoung turned his head towards his father as if seeing him for the first time. He hasn't been for a while now but thanks for noticing. 

It was a bright and yellow morning. Rude and unnecessary. 

“Maybe,” the man talked again with a weird twinkle in his eyes, smiling at his wife, making her chuckle as if she was already able to understand what he was trying to say, “you didn’t get enough sleep last night?” his father finished. Doyoung’s mother hit her husband’s hand tenderly with a little stop it. “I know you’re a grown-up man, Doyoung, but we still have some rules in this house. Sleeping with a lady on the first date it not gallant”. 

Doyoung stared at them both. 

Oh. 

Right.

He met his allegedly future wife the previous night. And they were right. He did come back in the morning. It was a beautiful evening. Doyoung was sitting down rolling the stem of his glass of wine between two fingers, watching the way the dim lights of the restaurant made the golden liquid shine. Then he opened up another button on his shirt, feeling pathetic that he actually made an effort to look good for someone he didn’t care about. He ruffled his hair. He sighed. When The Wife came, he saw her legs first, walking slowly in a high pair of heels. Doyoung let his eyes gaze on them, going up shamelessly until meeting the seam of her tight dress. So he wasn’t the only one that tried for no reason. In spite of everything, Doyoung stood up and put a smile on his face. The Wife did the same and shook his hand. She sat down and the waiter came to fill up her glass as well. She said she was sorry for being a little late. Doyoung said it was alright. It was a nice night, wasn’t it? Yes, it was indeed. Kinda chilly. Yes, it is. The smog these days is terrible. Have you ever eaten in this restaurant? No, it’s my first time. What do you think is good? Let’s check the menu. 

“Listen, Doyoung,” she finally said his name after a moment of silence, the cutlery gently hitting the plates as the only sound to fill the room. Doyoung looked up chewing slowly, unable to feel any taste. “You seem like a good person and I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your family and what’s your opinion on all of this-” she started gesturing vaguely at them both, “-but I am in love with somebody else”, she finished. 

Doyoung blinked at her, feeling nothing and gulped down. His head was completely empty. 

He looked at her worried and pained face and felt like seeing his reflection in a mirror. She was in love? He felt sorry. 

But she was also happy. He could see it in her eyes, in the way her expression wrinkles weren’t accustomed to frowning like that. She wasn't unhappy. She was just worried. That Doyoung would say that he doesn’t care about her love. Forcing her to marry him anyway. 

“Me too”, Doyoung said after a few seconds. 

The relief that washed over The Wife’s face was so contagious that Doyoung felt like smiling himself, but he didn’t. It wasn’t nothing to be happy for. Not for him. Not at that moment. 

“So what are we going to do?” he asked her. She blushed. “We’re not going to get married. If my parents don’t agree... I’ll just run away! - with him!”. 

She was so confident, radiant, and - in love - that Doyoung had to recollect himself after being hit with so much light. She knew what she wanted and she was going to get it. She was in love and she was loved back. 

Doyoung felt like crying. He wanted that so badly as well. 

“I came here to speak to you directly because even if I already knew what I was about to do, I thought it wasn’t unfair to not explain myself and just vanish”, she added. Doyoung nodded and sipped on his drink, unable to speak. The Wife-but-not-Doyoung’s-one-anymore looked at him with a wide smile but he saw how it flattered a little seeing his expression.   “And what are you going to do?” she asked cautiously. Doyoung shrugged, letting his lips stretch in a smile that couldn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t know. Live in the moment, I guess,” was his reply, hoping that it was an adequate answer and to just drop that conversation. 

The Wife furrowed her eyebrows. 

“Did you come here with the intent to actually force yourself into this stupid relationship? While being in love with somebody else? Like an idiot?” the Wife asked. 

Doyoung felt his eyes widen at her use of words. He suddenly felt pathetic and weak in comparison. 

“No one is waiting for me,” he explained. “It’s too late now”. The Wife scoffed. “Are you in love or what?”. 

Doyoung emptied his glass with a trembling hand. 

“I just feel like I’ve been fighting a lot by myself while no one is fighting for me, so I gave up, as pitiful as that might sound,” he explained himself. His voice got sharper and he just wanted to go home. 

The girl rested her back on the chair while crossing her arms on her chest with an angry expression. The fact that she didn’t need to walk on eggshells around him anymore made her real personality shine through. Doyoung found it rather refreshing but he hated it at the same time. He was scrutinizing himself very well already, judging his every step and word and thought. He didn’t need other people to do it as well. 

“So you never broke down,” she observed. Doyoung looked up. 

“Do you need to reach a breaking point?” he questioned. “Do I really need to get to the point of losing all my pride and sanity? It doesn’t have to be like this. Love is not like this”. 

The Wife tilted her head to the side as if analyzing him. Doyoung felt vulnerable all of a sudden. 

What was he doing? Talking about feelings with a stranger? A stranger he was sure he was about to marry just 5 minutes ago? He felt dizzy and his head hurt. 

“No,” she agreed. “Love is not only this, no. But it can be like this sometimes." Doyoung poured some more wine into the empty glasses. “Why is she not doing it then? Why does it always have to be me?” Doyoung asked with the littlest voice. “Why did she let me go so easily?” The Wife sighed. “I don’t know her nor do I know you. But it sounds to me like she perhaps loves you too much-”

Doyoung interrupted her with a chuckle, shaking his head. 

“-because!” the girl raised her voice for fear of being interrupted, “-she did not let her egoistical feelings get in the way. If you told her that you were about to get married, she obviously thought about you first, instead of herself and her needs. What would have you done in her place?” she asked. 

“Fight,” Doyoung whispered. “But did you?” she asked again. 

Doyoung gulped. 

“Did you fight for her love? Your parents told you that you had to get married and what did you do? Accepted it? You went to her and were like 'listen this is the situation, can you promise me you’ll love me forever so that I know it’s worth fighting for you?' Is this what you did?” the Wife was almost angry and in another situation, Doyoung would have found it entertaining. 

He didn’t reply. The Wife took it for tacit approval and went on. 

“We’re taught to not be selfish in love, that if you love them then just let them go, and all of this bullshit, but!-” she slammed her hand on the table suddenly making Doyoung jolt, “-it doesn’t mean that’s how she is really feeling. I’d say she loves you." she pointed her finger towards him as a politician would after their speech. 

“No, don’t feed my hopes, please. You don’t know anything,” he shook his head. “Doyoung, this makes no fucking sense. Get out of your head. I want you to call her, now. Just talk. Communication." “What?” “Call her. Do it. I want you to explain the new situation to her. Tell her that you aren’t getting married and that you love her and you’re ready to fight for your love. Show yourself."

Doyoung shook his head again. “Stop it.”

“Do it."

“Who do you think you are?” Doyoung was starting to get a little angry. 

The Wife didn't budge and just smiled. 

“Fate."

“We’re done. There’s nothing else to do now." Doyoung got up suddenly and retrieved his wallet. A waiter came from the shadows to accept his card. The Wife sighed and just looked at him as if disappointed. “Alright, but when Fate is going to kick you in the butt again when you least expect it, please think of me and my words." “I don’t believe in fate,” he replied putting on his jacket. 

But Doyoung thought of those words all night while moving his phone from one hand to another, walking home slowly. It was cold as hell and he enjoyed the pain of it. He wasn’t alone. He could almost see the black car that was following him from a certain distance. “Yes, sir,” was the bodyguard’s answer when he told him to fuck off after he insisted on taking him home as programmed. 

And he thought of those words again, months later, the instant he heard your voice in that party hall. He swore he was hallucinating. He felt his limbs paralyzing and shaking at the same time. But he was trained. He knew how to work in these high tension situations. It was a little click and he couldn’t feel anything, adrenaline killed and buried in the deepest parts of his brain, like hungry wolves ready to tear him to pieces when he wouldn’t have had the force to keep them locked anymore. And so he moved like a machine, like something as far from human as possible. Later. We’ll deal with this later. I can’t. I can’t do it now. I can’t let myself fall. Stay. Focus. Later he could feel it indeed. It came eventually. He felt it right there while worried about your cut. He felt it as he held your hand and dragged you away. Pain washed him all over as if for the first time and love. Oh, love, it was so much love, he felt like drowning, he felt like a withering garden begging for rain and it came suddenly, so quickly, that he couldn’t possibly absorb it all at once. 

When he opened the bathroom cabinets he saw the first aid kit in a second, but he felt so overwhelmed and all over the place that he couldn’t bring himself to face you properly. He pretended to look for it for a while and his body felt your burning gaze all over his skin. Why were you looking at him like that? Stop it, no, please continue, no, stop, it’s too much, please, please, never stop looking at me. 

When he turned around he couldn’t bring himself to touch you again either without dragging you against his chest, never letting go. Was this fate? Was this the fate The Wife was talking about? Is this real? Is everything real at all?

As Doyoung’s parents were scolding him about apparently fucking like a rabbit the whole night, he put down his coffee and intertwined his fingers together, resting his face on them, closing his eyes and breathing in. 

“We’re not getting married,” he suddenly spoke up. The cutlery stopped moving and his parents’ faces fell off. 

“What?” Mother asked with a tiny voice. “What are you talking about?” Father furrowed his eyebrows, no amusement left in his eyes. Doyoung looked at them.

“I-am-” Doyoung articulated every word well and slowly as if talking with a stupid person, “-not-getting-fucking-married."

Father’s breath grew in pace, eyes out of his orbits. 

“Doyoung,” his mother’s voice was a little surprised whine. 

He looked at her with the corner of his eyes and his expression was probably one of his worst ones so far since she jolted imperceptibly as if seeing her son for the first time. 

“What’s with this attitude? Who do you think you are?” Father’s voice was getting deeper and his cheeks and neck reddening. 

Doyoung looked back at him with a killing glare. 

“Doyoung, sweetheart, you don’t have to get married tomorrow. Get to know each other first. You’ll definitely like each other as time goes by-” Mother tried to calm everyone down. 

“Like you and dad?” Doyoung let his tongue be as poisonous as it wanted. “Getting married to someone for convenience to just fight like fucking dogs every day in front of a child, huh?” he asked. 

Mother gasped and covered her mouth with the impeccable napkin. 

“Kim Dongyoung!” Father hit the table with his fist making all the tableware tremble. 

Doyoung didn’t flinch. 

“Do you want my son to assist at how I fuck different women every night? Pretending that he doesn’t understand what’s going on?”

Mother started to sob. 

“And you,” Doyoung spoke to her, ignoring her tears, “do you want my son to listen to his mother bad mouthing me from the most tender age? Telling him what a terrible father I am, that he shouldn’t love him, letting him know how unhappy she is while the only thing he should be preoccupied about is the multiplication table and which toy he should be playing that day with?” Doyoung directed his gaze towards his mom raising his voice on the last words. 

“Do you want me to bring my son to work to prove to my wife that I am in fact not fucking the secretary while letting her suck my cock under the desk?” he continued this time directing his speech towards Father. 

The man was fully red at this point and when he got up from his chair Doyoung thought that he was about to punch him or just drag him on the ground. 

But he didn’t. He was shaking as if no one had confronted him like that before. 

His voice was dangerous and slow, like a poisonous snake. 

“You’re going to get what you deserve, Dongyoung,” he spoke and Doyoung knew what that was. 

Because in his father’s eyes, Doyoung was the faulty one.  For speaking up. For telling the truth. For letting both of them, grown-up adults that were still running away from themselves like children, face their own feelings and shortcomings. Forcing him to be perfect and to do stuff that they wanted. Forcing him to accept every shitty thing they did but making him feel guilty for his actions. 

“I will. And you as well, Father,” he replied getting up and throwing his napkin on top of his plate. His mother’s sobs were the only sound he could hear as he exited the room.

Doyoung apologized for having spilled his drink on you. And you looked up as if that was the last of your problems. Your fingers were trembling as you disinfected your cut and Doyoung knew it wasn’t because of the pain. 

Right? 

No, don’t do it. Don’t go there again Doyoung. For once, for a single time, stop jumping ahead. Just ask. Stop living in your head. Don’t assume. She’s not in love. She’s not here because of you. This is not fate. 

So he did ask. He asked why were you there and the transient relief he felt when he was as close as to believe he was the reason for all of that, that maybe, just maybe, you tried to be selfish again, washed away. Because he could see how sincere you were while assuring him that you had no idea it was the place he was working at. There was no plan. 

So this is fate? This is how it works? It gives you the possibility but you still have to work for it? You still have to endure the pain of trying and trying and failing over and over again? If fate could make you both meet again, why didn't it do everything? Why did fate bring you in front of his eyes again just to listen to your sweet voice say that you were over him? Like a slap. Like giving a thirsty man a cup of water and taking it away right before the moment a single drop of refreshing sweetness could have eased his burning tongue.

It’s not so simple to draw the line. This was the only lesson Doyoung fully understood. There’s no one way someone can be. It’s not black and it’s not white. Everything is blurry. Everything is gray.

_____

“Y/N." It took only that single word to make Doyoung snap his head up and look at Haechan. “She was looking for you,” he added while standing in front of Doyoung’s desk, one hand comfortably inside his pants pocket, the other holding a coffee. 

“Is that for me?” Doyoung asked eyeing the cup. 

Haechan snorted incredulously. 

“I’m telling you that the ex you’re still in love with was looking for you and you talk about a goddamn coffee?” 

Doyoung straightened his back. 

“She told you that she’s my ex?” he asked surprised. “So you don’t deny that you’re in love with her,” Haechan considered while sipping on the coffee. 

Doyoung’s eyes got darker as they usually did when talking to Haechan but the younger one could see the redness on his cheeks and the way his adam apple traveled up and down, anxious and embarrassed. 

Oh Doyoung, Haechan thought, you’re so fragile. 

“How is that your business?” Doyoung didn’t budge, even though he was aware that Haechan was your new interest. 

Was Haechan jealous? Was that a new way Haechan tried to make him angry with? Since Doyoung arrived at the company Haechan has never let him alone. He was nagging and whining and messing up with Doyoung, making him angry and irritated, laughing when Doyoung snapped. 

Haechan shrugged. “I’m a Gemini. Everything is my business."

Doyoung sighed and flipped the papers he had underneath his hands as if telling the other that the conversation was over. 

But he still felt the other’s gaze on top of his head for long seconds. “So you’re going to be a pussy about it.” Haechan didn’t move and talked with a low voice Doyoung has never heard before. “You’re going to hold yourself back and prepare some escaping routes, just like always."

Doyoung stilled and looked up.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” he asked almost in a whisper, too surprised by Haechan’s serious tone to actually get angry at the insult. 

“I see you, Doyoung. I really see you. And I see how your father treats you,” Haechan sipped on his coffee again while staring out of the office windows as if talking about anything besides that. “Y/N was surprised when I told her that you weren’t some CEO or something. I didn’t tell her that you were punished.” Haechan filled the silence again as Doyoung was just staring. “I wasn’t punished,” Doyoung gave him a death glare. 

Haechan shrugged. 

“Do something for yourself for once, would you?” he added and Doyoung could have sworn that underneath the nonchalant mask Haechan had on, rested a troubled and sensitive soul. 

“Are you two not dating?” Doyoung finally spoke when finding his voice. 

Haechan came back to his normal self with a nasal laugh. 

“You are so fucking stupid, oh my God,” he groaned. “No, darling, we’re not. That poor girl was too proud to admit that she’s in love with you while you probably just got back from your 'forced newlywed trip'”. 

Doyoung furrowed his eyebrows and that was enough for Haechan to widen his eyes. 

“So it’s not true,” he whispered. 

Doyoung didn’t comment on that and Haechan didn’t add anything. 

He looked out of the window again, lower lip slightly trembling so he bit on it. Then he smiled bitterly. “Fuck. Then you have to tell her that. Talk to Y/N,” he whispered again and just left leaving Doyoung confused as never before.

_____

You didn’t see Doyoung that morning and you didn’t see him during lunch either. Then at almost 5 o’clock your phone rang again. You rolled your eyes wondering what Haechan wanted to say to you. “Y/N from Marketing speaking." Your voice was flat but a little amused, ready to listen to whatever nonsense Haechan will talk about. 

But when you heard the voice you gasped silently. 

“Hello, Y/N. Doyoung from IT here."  

His voice was warm and deep. Your breath grew heavier. 

You couldn’t speak so you closed your eyes. Doyoung didn’t add anything either and you both ended up just listening to each others’ breaths for a while. 

“Doyoung,” you said after what felt like ages and a few seconds at the same time, your nerves thin as never. 

What were you both doing? What was this? 

“Y/N,” he said in the same tone but then cleared his throat. “I-” he stopped. “I actually called with a purpose,” he added. 

You imagined him, sitting behind his desk, cheeks flushed, fingers restless. 

Or so you hoped. 

Maybe he was just nervous. Maybe he hated to see you again. Maybe he was over you and now his pain just got back and it was all your fault. 

“Yes?” you asked, raising your voice to seem nonchalant. “Yes. There’s this project that Haechan and I are working on,” he started, “-and we’ve been told to work with someone from marketing for the selling issues. And they suggested you since you’re new and you still have to prove yourself” he finished explaining. 

You nodded. “Yes. Okay. Alright,” you almost stuttered. 

“Come to my office. The map is on the server,” he ordered softly and hang up. 

Just like that. 

You remained still for a few seconds, with the beep-beep of the line ringing in your ears. Then you swallowed with a certain difficulty feeling your throat dry.

When you arrived in front of his door, thin nerves and muscles shaking, you just closed your eyes and forced yourself to calm down. You were about to see Doyoung. You were about to see him and talk to him. It wasn’t a dream and it wasn’t a fantasy. He was there, behind this thin closed door. 

God. 

You knocked. 

His melodious voice told you to come in. And you did. He was sitting behind his desk, blinds slightly closed making the office semi-dark. “I didn’t know IT people had their own offices,” you smiled awkwardly while stepping in and closing the door behind you. “Well, we don’t need human interaction to do our jobs,” he replied in the same tone. 

He got up and indicated you to sit down on the couch in front of his desk. He brought his laptop with him and placed it on the coffee table in front of it. You sat down, hands neatly placed on your thighs and you hoped he didn’t hear the way your breath hitched as he sat down as well, his thigh touching yours slightly. 

His cologne was the same, you noticed, and your fingers vibrated, trying hard to stop themselves from touching him. You looked at his shoulders and imagined tracing them with your hand. Then wrapping them as you got closer. Then sliding them up to his nape, slowly, into his hair, closer and closer and closer and feeling his breath and kissing his lips and sitting on his lap and as you did so, his arms would hug you, pulling you close while he whispered your name. 

Y/N. Y/N. Y/N. 

“Y/N." You jolted. He was turned to you, hands on the laptop screen, a PowerPoint on it. You looked at the computer then at his face. He understood that you haven’t been listening to him and sighed.  

You breathed in and out. 

“Doyoung,” you said and you saw him visibly shiver hearing your voice call his name. 

“I think that we should t-” but you couldn’t finish the sentence as the door got opened with a loud thud. 

Haechan was almost breathless when he barged in. 

You and Doyoung looked behind your backs, both surprised to see Haechan with flushed cheeks and red eyes. “Haechan,” you said. “Is everything alright?” Doyoung asked as well. Haechan caught his breath by now, staring at you both then his lips tightened in a straight line. “Yeah. Yes. Sorry, I’m late. Let’s go to the conference room. It’s more spacious there,” he spoke up and turning around he just left. You and Doyoung looked at each other surprised. 

You bit your lower lip, unable to carry on the conversation anymore. 

“You were saying? I think we should?” Doyoung didn’t budge. 

His eyes were dark and his lips slightly parted. You stared at them, perhaps far too long because you suddenly felt your cheeks hot and your breath hitch. 

You were leaning in, imperceptibly and Doyoung saw. 

He didn’t get away and he didn’t refuse you. Looking at his eyes for a split second you could see that he was nervous. 

Then the magic disappeared again as Haechan’s voice made you both jolt again.  “What are you doing? Are you coming or not?” he yelled.

_____

You were sitting down, each with their own computer, clicking and typing. Doyoung briefly filled you in, explaining again what you needed to do. You just nodded and got to work. 

“When is this due?” you asked after probably twenty minutes of full silence. You knew Doyoung would be silent but Haechan? It was surprising to see him so concentrated on his work, not looking up even once, no jokes, and no smirks. He was also in a bad mood, you thought, his red swollen eyes still fresh in your memory. 

“Tomorrow morning. We’ll have a meeting and we’ll present the project. Hopefully, it goes well and we can go on with it,” Doyoung replied softly, almost in a whisper. You nodded. It was doable. You got back to work a didn’t speak for some time. 

God, you were about to kiss him. 

What were you thinking? What the fuck were you thinking? And him? Not pulling away? Staying still and looking at your lips the way you looked at his? You could do it, right? Maybe it was possible. You could talk to him and everything would be alright. Just like you’ve always dreamed. 

Right? Right?

After an indefinite amount of time, you looked up and glanced at the time. 

“Fuck,” you swore. 

It was already night and you did almost nothing. 

Haechan raised his eyes as well for the first time and turned around to see the dark windows. “We can take a break,” Doyoung murmured closing his laptop. 

Haechan relaxed on his back. “Who appointed you as a leader?” he asked amused. You smiled a little, happy to see him that way again. 

Doyoung crossed his arms on his chest. “You can be a leader then.” “Okay, then I decide that we can take a break,” Haechan giggled and you chuckled as well. 

Doyoung opened his mouth to say something but his voice got suddenly swallowed by a loud, weird noise. 

You all looked up and in seconds water poured out of the ceiling. 

You screamed and got up suddenly. 

“What’s going on?” you asked no one in particular putting your hands on your head instinctively.  “The sprinkles!” Haechan yelled. “But there’s no fire? Is it?” you asked looking around the room, shocked. 

"Haechan Lee!" Doyoung groaned, eyelashes fluttering in an attempt to see through the drops. "It's not my fault! I didn't do anything this time!" Haechan screamed back, one hand shielding his head. "Go and stop this mess!" the older ordered. 

Haechan had the time to roll his eyes before running to the wall on the opposite side of the conference room. 

You whined, leaving them to their bickering and tried hard to cover the computers ignoring that they were already wet in a desperate attempt to salvage them. 

Doyoung looked at you and promptly came closer, grabbing stuff and throwing it under the desk before realizing that it was too late. 

He groaned again. 

You fell to your knees defeated, fists holding handfuls of melted paper. 

"It doesn't work," Haechan yelled. Doyoung looked at him with such anger that you sensed it radiating through him even if unable to look at him in the face. "For fuck's sake, Haechan, you're useless!" Doyoung walked over and pressed the buttons on the switchboard then looking up at the ceiling as if expecting it to stop soon. 

"What the actual fuck," he swore loudly since it wasn't working indeed. 

Haechan whined beside him. "This was my best suit". 

Doyoung ignored him and walked towards you again, looking around for his phone. "Aren't there other people in this god-forsaken company?" "Shouldn't it stop by now?" you asked, your voice almost inaudible. "I don't know. Something's broken," he spoke more softly to you.

You patted your jacket and retrieved your phone from the inside pocket. It was slightly damp but it worked. "Here," you handed it to Doyoung as he was about to lose his mind from not finding his. He took it and putting one hand on his hip he called someone. 

In the meantime, Haechan crossed the room again and looked at the desk near you and the papers on the floor. "Shit," he commented. “At least I saved on the server,” he added. 

You looked at his wet strands of hair as he passed a hand on his forehead throwing them back. “Me too,” you said to Haechan, then you both turned to Doyoung. 

"They're coming. Let's leave the roo-" he ordered but his voice died in his throat when he heard what you were talking about. He looked down at the computers, pale as a sheet. “Doyoung?” Haechan’s voice was low and dangerous. “You also saved on the server, right?”

He didn’t and while you’ve followed angry Doyoung fighting with an angry Haechan through the corridos directed to the janitor’s room your head was hurting so badly that you thought it would burst. 

“Listen,” Doyoung stopped suddenly making you almost bump into him, “I am a fucking mess, okay?” his index was pointed towards Haechan. “I am a mess and I have so fucking much on my mind, I can’t concentrate, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I know this is not an excuse for not doing your job well but guess what, I am not perfect, okay? I am not fucking perfect. I make mistakes and I don’t give a shit, alright? I don’t give a single fuck about anything. And now shut up and go home if you want. You’ve done your part,” he spitted out then busted the janitor’s room open and entered it. 

Haechan was still in the corridor a few steps ahead of you. 

You were both still, shocked by Doyoung’s rage. 

But then Haechan started to chuckle softly and looked at you. 

“He did it, finally,” he said, without giving you any explanation and got into the room as well.

_____

"You've already seen it, Doyoung," you whispered slightly embarrassed. 

Doyoung was in front of you, one hand placed on the other hand’s wrist trying to undone his sleeves, as he watched you getting undressed. 

He looked at the way your bra cupped your soft breasts then promptly turned around. 

“You could have gone to another room,” his voice was steady but his reddish ears gave him away. 

You were told that the janitors had clean uniforms in the storage room and now you were in the middle of getting your soaked clothes off, with no time to go home and get changed since the dear Doyoung didn’t save any of your work. 

“And also, I've never seen anything," he said. "Well, I’m not saying naked but you definitely saw me in a bra before,” you replied. 

Doyoung’s back tightened and he turned around, looking at you from under his wet hair. "I'm afraid you're mistaking me for Johnny," he raised his eyebrows before turning away again. 

You opened your mouth to speak but you were too surprised to say anything. Doyoung's eyes were - you might dare say - jealous and furious. 

Was this what Haechan was talking about before? That he’s done it? Was he talking about Doyoung just owning his true feelings and wearing him of his sleeve? Did he finally snap? 

"Okay, so who is this Johnny guy?" Haechan stepped closer with a sly smile. You looked at him but he wasn't looking at you. No, he was looking at you but not at your face. 

Doyoung raised his gaze for a second and slapped his shoulder. "Look away."

Haechan exaggerated a cry. “I was just curious. I don’t care about Y/N."

“How can you not care about her?” Doyoung mumbled and you swore that your face turned violet. 

Haechan put his tongue in his cheeks annoyed. "Doyoung, you're so fucking stupid. So many months working together and you still didn't get it?" 

"Doyoung," you called him softly. "He's not interested in boobs," you explained with a smile, still shy from Doyoung's previous words. 

Haechan gulped, suddenly blushing even harder. 

Doyoung turned his head around and furrowed his eyebrows at you. 

Then his eyes got wide and when he looked back at Haechan he noticed his red cheeks and the way he tried to not look at Doyoung's naked upper body. 

Doyoung covered his nipples. 

Haechan groaned and hit him. 

“I’m not interested in you either, dumbass,” he added but still turned around to not look at either of you.

_____

It was hours later and you kept glancing at the neon green number on the clock in front of you. You got back to Doyoung’s office to, well, continue or start again everything you’ve done before. 

“If you’re tired, you can go home, it’s fine,” Doyoung’s soft voice grabbed your attention. 

You sighed and closed your computer. 

“Do you want to talk?” you asked with a low voice. 

It was almost a whisper but in the thick silence of the room, disrupted only by the buzz of the computers and your breaths, it sounded almost too loud. You glanced at Haechan, fast asleep with the head on his arms then you glanced at Doyoung again and at his slightly surprised expression. 

That was blunt and all of a sudden. But it was so late and you were exhausted physically and mentally and you couldn’t take it anymore. 

You both knew that you weren’t asking to chat about the weather but he still wanted to make sure. 

“Talk about what?” 

Yeah. Talk about what? Us? Is there an us? There was only you and him and the feelings in between. Talk about feelings? Does he have feelings as well though? Talk about me and my feelings? Fuck. 

You looked down at your hands still on the keyboard and at the way your fingers started to shake. You clasped them together. 

“I still have feelings for you,” you breathed out suddenly, then you looked up for a split second to see Doyoung’s expression. 

His eyes were wide and round, his glossy pupils shaking imperceptibly. He didn’t expect you to say it like that. 

“I know,” he whispered. 

Your breath hitched at his words and you tried to swallow the lump forming in your throat. 

He knows. He knows? He knows. 

Of course, he knows. He probably noticed. You were no actress and you couldn’t fake your emotions. Also, you tried to kiss him just a few hours before that.

He knows. 

Okay. 

That’s it? And now?

You shook your head. “No,” you said. “I don’t think you do”.

Doyoung blinked, a single expression line between his eyebrows. “I don’t just have feelings for you, Doyoung. I am in love with you,” you confessed and this time you tried to sustain his gaze. 

Doyoung’s adam apple went up and down and his lips opened as if he couldn’t breathe. 

“I am foolishly in love with you. I am foolishly in love with everything you are and with everything you do,” your voice trembled. “ “When I think and when I don’t think, you’re still in my mind, roaming around the whole day. And during the night I can’t get any relief from this mind of mine because you’ll visit me again and for a while," you breathed in sharply, talking fast, "-just for a while, the gap inside of me would get filled only for me to wake up and realize that it was just a dream. I have so many feelings and all of them are consumed by you and I have so many things but they all mean nothing to me, without you. And I could blame everything and everyone for this but it’s all on me. It’s all on me, Doyoung. I knew everything and I still acted that way and when I heard you before when you said that you couldn’t concentrate or sleep or-” and you choked, tears spilling on your face. 

Your hands found them and you hid your head in your palms only to jolt and look up at your side after a moment.

Doyoung got up in a second and grabbed your hand. 

He was standing there with his fingers around your wrist, flushed and short-breathed. 

Then he pulled you towards him making you stand up and you let him do that, landing in his arms, wrapping yours around his torso, muffling your cry with his shirt, closing your eyes, drifting away, head empty and heart full. 

Doyoung was holding you tight, one hand on your back and the other one on your nape, stroking your hair and shushing you softly. “I hate to see you cry and I hate that I’m the reason for that. I’m sorry, Y/N,” he whispered against your temple. You shook your head with an exasperated whine and looked up at him. “You didn’t do anything, Doyoung,” you objected. 

He looked at your face as well. He didn’t expect that. He didn’t expect any of that. His mind was racing and his heard was about to give up. 

“That’s the point,” he explained. “I didn’t do anything. I could have tried more. I walked on eggshells around you the whole time and at the first problem I would just let you go, finding an excuse, being afraid-” “No,” you interrupted him, shaking your head again, “I don’t want to hear you blame yourself." “I don’t want to hear you blame yourself either,” he replied. 

You opened your mouth but didn’t say anything, knowing how stubborn Doyoung could get. 

Okay. Okay. It's fine. 

“Okay, now I-” you looked at your hands, pressed on his chest feeling his heart pumping blood like crazy. 

Your first instinct was to just pull yourself away, telling him that you’ve said everything you had to say. And wait. Wait for him to take the second step, to understand your thoughts without you explaining anything, just like he has always done before. But Johnny’s voice thundered in your head telling you to talk and explain yourself and to use your words, so you raised your head to look at Doyoung again. 

He didn’t look away from you, not for one second, and when you locked eyes he brought one hand up to cup your face and with his thumb he caressed your cheek, removing the last tear. 

“What about you, Doyoung? Do you love me?” your voice trembled. 

Doyoung sighed as if relieved. 

He pulled you close and cupped your face with the other hand as well. 

He leaned in until breathing on your open lips.

“I love you,” he said in the tiniest of whispers. 

“I love you,” he repeated. You whimpered. 

“I love you, Y/N. I love you,” his soft chant continued. 

He said that again and again, kissing you with little pecks, then again after the kiss got slower and as your lips didn’t want to leave each other anymore. 

“Look, I’m glad you idiots finally aren’t idiots anymore,” Haechan’s voice startled you for the third time that day, “but would you get a room? If not I’m going home."

_____

You ended up all going home that night - or very early morning. The project could have granted you all a promotion but you decided that you all didn’t give a single fuck. Everything looked so unimportant now that Doyoung was holding your hand and your muscles relaxed in his arms. 

You felt asleep there, in the crook of his neck, deeply, after months of insomnia. 

You remembered little snaps as he carried to his car. He would shush you when your fingers gripped his shirt harder. 

“Doyoung, it’s fine, I can walk. Put me down,” you whispered going in and out of sleep. “Sleep, I’ll take care of you,” and the kiss he planted on your forehead felt like a spell as you lost consciousness soon after. 

You didn’t wake up a single time during the drive and it was only when you reached your front door that Doyoung woke you up by gently shaking your shoulders. “Sorry,” he said. “Last time I had luck but this time I can’t find your keys,” he added when you fully opened your eyes with a yawn. “My bag now has more stuff in it than when I was at university,” you smiled. Your voice was hoarse from the nap and from the cry you had. 

Then you entered your apartment, walking slowly in silence, and you both undressed, throwing the coarse uniforms away. 

You did it lazily and with no malice, looking at each other bodies, this time without blushing. 

Then you sat down on your bed, completely naked and you looked at Doyoung, naked as well, standing in front of you as he removed the last piece of fabric from his body. 

“Wait,” he suddenly said, and turning around he left the room. You looked at his back as he was walking away and sighed. 

You couldn’t believe it. 

It was so surreal. 

You sighed again deeper, feeling it difficult to breathe. 

You were exhausted and drained, body aching and head-spinning so when Doyoung came back with a glass of water all you could think of was the morning after your terrible meeting with Doyoung. 

That time he was also standing in front of you, with one glass of water in his hand, face lit by the new rays of the sun. He had fewer clothes on now, of course, but for some reason, you started to feel as if no time has passed at all between the two events. There was no misunderstanding, no pain, no fights. 

You smiled and took the water from him. He smiled back and sat down on the bed beside you. His eyes were telling that he knew what you were thinking, like soulmates reading each other’s minds and that he was thinking about it as well. 

“Another thing,” he said and his voice was as tired as yours. “Someone, let's say Fate, told me to tell you that I am not married and that I am ready to fight for our love,” he added looking at you with a little nervous smile. 

Your eyes widened. 

“But-” you felt overwhelmed. “But the ring,” you mumbled looking down at his hands as your brain was trying to run at a speed too high for your tired cells. Doyoung looked at his hands as well before raising them up and showing that they were bare. “It was just a random ring. You assumed things,” he replied. 

You looked back at his face, confused and dizzy. 

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why-” you gulped, “why didn’t you call?”

Doyoung sighed. 

“I also assumed things. I thought you didn’t love me,” he tightened his lips. “I am sorry,” he whispered wrapping your shoulders with his arms and pulling you towards him. He nudged at your temple while you processed the information, repeating the apology, planting little kisses on your temple. 

“Does this change something?” he asked after a whole minute of silence. His voice sounded afraid and you looked up at him. 

“No, love, no, shh, don’t get me wrong,” you assured him with a pained expression, cupping his face. 

He let you do that, slightly surprised and definitely flushed by the sudden pet-name. “This is even better, isn’t it? I mean, you’re not married,” you chuckled a little. 

Doyoung cupped your face as well, his thumbs pressing at the corners of your eyes. 

“Then why are you crying?” he whispered so softly that it made you sob even harder. 

Your lower lip trembled looking at his eyes, at his expression, at his face, drinking him in. 

“I’m just happy. And I love you. I love you so much and all of this is just-” you smiled through the tears unable to go on. 

You were too exhausted and emotional to be rational in that moment. You had do idea what to do and you just wanted to be. 

Doyoung’s pupils shook as he bit his lip, trying not to cry as well. 

“God, how much water do I need to make you drink to make up for all of these tears?” he chuckled lightly as a few tears fell on his cheeks as well. 

You were both there, naked, crying, and laughing at the same time and you’ve never felt happier in your whole life. 

“What happened though? How did you end up not getting married? What did your parents-” you started to ask wiping your face. Doyoung closed his eyes and shook his head, letting himself fall down on the bed and dragging you with him. “Later,” he mumbled getting you both under the covers when you landed on his chest. 

You smiled and closed your eyes as well. 

And you both slept a lot, hugging each other tight, bare limbs intertwined together, skin pressing on skin, lips murmuring loving whispers. It was the highest level of intimacy, naked in front of each other, and clothes had nothing to do with it. 

Your souls were open and your emotions out, telling each other everything, with no fear and with no more pride.

[greyfongschemmenti]

So..... two days ago it was Lesbian Visibility Day. It was nice to see all the posts and the good side of the internet showing support and love. 

A oomf asked me privately if I was going to make a post or acknowledge the day. Honestly, yeah I should have. 

The only acknowledgement was reblogs and likes, but writing a personal post. I don’t know, Chief. 

tl:dr: I quite frankly don’t know what I am. 

This is going to get personal so if that makes you iffy or you just don’t want to read. Here’s the warning to stop right here. 

This is no way shape or form to offend on the significance of the day. 

If you’re reading this, then your curious mind wants to know about me. my journey to an identity I have yet to find.

I don’t know what I am. All I know is that I am a human being with emotions and feelings. 

8-18: I’ve known from a very early age (maybe 8?) that I was attracted to women. 

The first time I ever felt butterflies in my stomach was when I saw two women kiss on the television screen. It was some soap opera, and I haven’t a clue which one it was. All I remember was them sitting under a tree, but that’s besides the point. 

I’ll have silly school crushes on girls, but I would also develop crushes on boys. Which threw me under a loop a bit. My pre-teen brain didn’t know you could like a boy and girl at the same time. I wasn’t sure if I liked the girl because she was “pretty” or I wanted to be her friend. It wasn’t until I was 13/14 that I realized that those crushes on boys wasn’t an attraction but more envy. I envied that they were boys while I wasn’t. I started dressing “masculine”. Basically t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. Anything that looked “feminine” I did not wear. 

of course it took me more than a decade (age 20) for me to realize that clothes are just that....clothes. They’re pieces of fabric and they shouldn’t be gendered. If a man wants to wear heels. Go off. If a woman wants to wear a 3-piece suit. Oof give me your tips and tricks because same.

19-22: I figured out that maybe I am not straight. 

Age 22: I came out to my siblings and parents.

23-26: I came out to new friends and have been more open about that part of who I am. 

Currently: As of right now, I think I’m non-binary. At Least I feel comfortable being called that. I also liked being directed as they/them instead of she/her. I don’t like it when people call me feminine wordings, but also I’m too nice and non confrontational to correct someone if they call or greet me with “girl”. 

I just know that I don’t feel feminine, at all. I am not girly, or ladylike. Physically I am not soft. I can be soft in the way I act. Or maybe it’s because idk how to look feminine. I started messing with make up so late in the game (25). I’m trying to find the balance of being comfortable in my own skin. With being born female, but also wanting to look masculine. Basically i want to reach the point of being androgynous. A place where I don’t look like I'm leaning towards one side of the spectrum than the other.

Am I confusing? Maybe, probably so.

TL;DR: 

I don’t know if I can say I am a lesbian if I don’t feel like a lesbian? Idk if I worded that right. 

To me Lesbian is a woman who is attracted to women, right?

Even though I am born female, I don’t really see myself as female. (Even though I put that on documents because idk what else to put) I just see myself as human.

I hope I didn’t offend anyone. That wasn’t my intention.

[angstysebfan]

If You Love Me, Why Did You Hurt Me? 8/10

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader Other Avengers Mentioned: Tony, Natasha, Steve  Warnings: cursing

Summary: You dated Bucky for 5 wonderful years! You thought he was the one! Then, without reason, he ends your relationship, and gets a new girlfriend 2 days later! While you are both Avengers, you still have to see him, and his girlfriend.

Series Masterlist

Bucky stands outside your room, after leaving. Tears still pouring from his eyes as he hears your sobs from the other side of the door. He really thought that you would forgive him and would take him back. He even had the ring he picked out for you in his hoodie pocket. But now he knows what an idiot he was. He hurt you more than he ever thought possible. He hated himself. Steve was right, if he loved you, he needed to leave you alone and be happy. He just didn’t know how long he could last without you.

____________________________________________________________

You wake up the next morning feeling hungover. But you knew it wasn’t from alcohol, since you didn’t drink anything, it was from the amount of tears you cried from your talk with Bucky. What were you going to do about him? 

You told him you were going to move out and live with Aaron, but you are not sure if that is the answer. You needed advice, and you knew who to get it from. You get out of bed and head down to the lab, where you knew he would be working.

Tony was busy re calibrating his Ironman suit, when you walked in. “Hey Tony, you got a sec?” you ask as you walk in the door. Tony turns to you with a smile that turns to a concerned look once he sees your face. 

“What happened kiddo? What did Barnes do now? I’m not afraid to kick his ass out of here!” Tony says angrily.

You shake your head, “No, we talked last night, and emotions ran high, and now I really need advice before I make a decision I might regret.”

“Well now I am even more concerned. Come sit.” Tony motions to the stool next to him and gives you his undivided attention. You tell him everything that happened last night. From Aaron asking you to move in with him, to your emotional conversation with Bucky. All the while tears coming down your face.

When you finish your whole story, you look at Tony. “What should I do? I think Aaron is right about living here with Bucky. I don’t think it’s healthy for me because I do love him, but how can I just forgive and forget something like that? But at the same time, I have only known Aaron a few weeks, and I am not sure if the feelings I have are more friend based or romantic based. How can I move in and give him hope when I have the potential to break his heart?”

Tony looks at you with his eyebrows raised. “Wow, kid. Your life is just one big soap opera. I really should sell it to TV stations and make some money on this.” You glare at Tony. 

“I’m sorry, just trying to lighten the mood. Anyway, I don’t think you should move in with this Aaron guy. I agree that you might set him up for heartbreak, but also I am not sure how I feel about him moving so fast in the relationship. Makes me not trust him.”

You roll your eyes at Tony’s last words. “However, as much as it pains me, because I would miss you so much. I think you are right. If being this close to Barnes all the time pains you that much, then maybe we need to fix that. I will reach out to my realtor and find a suitable apartment for you close the compound, so you can still get here quickly for training and missions.”

You jump off the stool and give Tony a huge hug. “Thank you, Tony! You don’t know how much this means to me!” 

Tony laughed and gave you a kiss on top of your head. “You’re like a daughter to me, of course I am going to take care of you.” You look up and give Tony a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you.” You turn and head out of the lab. Tony shakes his head sadly. He really will miss you.

_________________________________________________________

You were up in the kitchen grabbing coffee when Steve and Nat walk in. “Morning Y/N!” Steve said. 

“Morning guys.” You say with a smile on your face. Steve walks to the refrigerator and takes out the orange juice, while Nat comes and sits across from you at the table. Nat looks at you with a questioning stare. 

“You okay? You a little run down.” Nat says concern laced in her voice. Steve turns around at this statement, also with concern. You look at Nat then Steve and release the breath you didn’t realize her you were holding. 

“Aaron asked me to move in with him last night, and--” Before you were able to get another word in, Nat and Steve both started talking about how it was too fast, and you can’t leave. You hold up your hand to silence them.

“Look, I agree it is too soon to move in with Aaron, but he is right about me not living here. It’s too hard to live under the same roof as Bucky. Especially after our talk last night.” Steve came and sat next to you.

“What talk?” He said. You look at him and then down to your hands. “Bucky came to my room last night. He told me everything that happened leading up to the break up. Then he told me how I am “it” for him and that he wants to earn my trust and try again.” You heard Steve sigh. 

“What did you say to that?” Nat asked quietly. You looked at her, tears again threatening your eyes. You shrugged, “I asked him if he loved me, why did he hurt me? It doesn’t excuse what he did after the break up. Having Brittney here all the time. Then I told him I was moving out and I was moving in with Aaron. When I woke up this morning, I knew that wasn’t the answer either. So... I spoke with Tony, who agreed, and he will reach out to his realtor to get me a place close to the compound so I can continue to work and train here.”

Nat and Steve looked at each other in silence. They both hated when you were gone for the 3 months, when you were in the center. Now you would be gone indefinitely. Steve always saw you as a little sister. Someone he could protect and be there for when needed. He hated that he couldn’t protect you from his best friend.

“Well... we support you, and will help you with whatever you need.” Nat said, trying to keep her own tears at bay. She looked at Steve who nodded. “Yeah, we will always have your back Y/N.” 

___________________________________________________________

Bucky was lying on his bed, thinking about how much he hated himself for hurting you and losing you. He will never forgive himself for this, and he is sure no one else will either, especially you. 

There was a knock at his door. A part of him hoped it was you, telling him you changed your mind, but he knew that was far fetched. He opened the door to see his best friend. Without a word he stepped back from the door and went back to his bed, sitting against the headboard. 

Steve saw the redness in Bucky’s eyes and knew his friend was not taking this well. “How ya doin’ Buck?” Steve asked as he closed the door and walked over to sit on the edge of the bed. Bucky gave an emotionless laugh.

“Well, I hurt the woman I love, more than anything, so bad that she is leaving the compound and moving in with that guy. I apologized and hoped she would forgive me, but instead she wants to keep seeing him. So all in all I am fan-fucking-tastic! Thank you for asking.”

Steve scoffed at his friend. “You know you don’t have a right to be upset with her decision, right?” Bucky looked at his friend. “Yeah, I know. And I’m not upset with her about her decision, I’m upset I brought her to that decision.”

Steve nodded. “I know how much you love her, pal. But they say if you love something let it go, if it’s meant for you, it will come back, if not, then...”

Bucky wiped tears away from his eyes. “That’s what I am afraid of. The then...” Bucky closed his eyes for a moment to gain control of his emotions. “But, I am going to do right by her. I love her enough to let her go. I just really hope it is not forever. Especially to that guy. I still thinks she deserves better than him. Better than me too.” he said softly.

Steve looked at his friend with sympathy. “She isn’t moving in with Aaron. She told me that’s what she said to you last night, but she realized she it’s not the best decision. Tony is helping her get her own apartment close to the compound.”

Bucky felt slightly better with this knowledge, but still had an aching feeling in his gut. “What if I can’t get her back? What if I really lost her forever?” Steve patted Bucky’s shoulder. “You will survive. But maybe you should just try and be her friend, or teammate. Let her know you still care for her, without all the other stuff. But I would even hold off on that until she is ready.”

Bucky nodded. “Yeah, as much as it kills me, I am going to give her space. I should have listened to you to begin with, but I had to tell her the truth. She deserved to know. She deserved a lot of things.” 

Steve stood up and headed toward the door. “Everything will work out the way it should in the end. It’s not going to be an easy ride for you, but just remember, after everything she and you deserve happiness. Whether that’s together or apart.” With that Steve turns and exits the room, leaving Bucky to his thoughts again.

_________________________________________________________

Chapter 7   Chapter 9

Got to love Captain Steve with the sound advice. I have to say, I have no idea how I am going to run the ending. All my thoughts are up in the air. While I agree Bucky is an inconsiderate moron who broke her heart, I still hate when he is unhappy. However, the reader deserves happiness, I just have to figure out how to get her there. Leave your thoughts!

[scritch-scratches]

Hi! I have questions about Dominoes, if you're comfortable with them. 1. Has your opinion and perspective on your plot outline and characters changed at all since you began writing them? 2. What was the most fun/interesting part about designing Dominoes' world and characters? 3. Have there been any reader feedback and/or reactions that surprised you as the project's come along?

1. Has your opinion and perspective on your plot outline and characters changed at all since you began writing them?

This is something I’ve given a lot of thought to myself!

While Part 1 has stuck to its emotional plot points really well, it is completely different from what I originally outlined. Some of the original scenes I wrote made it in, such as Ran’s encounter with KID, Kaito tackling Shinichi of the rooftop, the ShinRan breakup, but many, many others were cut. I still have a bunch of them in the original draft of Dominoes. Part 1 was originally going to have three completely separate plot lines: the bomb, KID, and the BO. But once it started dawning on me how massive this project was becoming, I knew I had to streamline it and get the plot lines to converge and work together. I’m pretty pleased with the result, because I feel like the resulting plot line is much more complex and less cliche than any of the originals. It was a lot of work, and really frustrating at times, but I think it worked out.

My perspective of Part 1 has really changed; setting out, I knew I was challenging myself with this sort of teen drama set up, which really isn’t my thing, and I kind of wasn’t looking forward to it. Part 1 was a means to an end, something I had to get through to tell Part 2 and 3, the stories I really wanted to tell. But everyone’s reactions have really changed my viewpoint, so much so that now I’m worried that part 2 and part 3 won’t appeal to the same audience that part 1 gripped, because they’re quite a bit different. Nevertheless, I decided a while ago that I wanted to stay true to the story I set out to write all those years ago, so regardless of reception, I’m going to power through.

2. What was the most fun/interesting part about designing Dominoes' world and characters?

I love brainstorming powers and codenames for all the characters—I spend ages lovingly agonizing over them! I have a whole google doc just for a breakdown of each of the characters’ abilities and affiliations.

But the most interesting part for me is thinking about how I can turn canon on its head. Dominoes started with a few vague questions I have had a lot of fun answering:

What if, instead of Shinichi keeping secrets from everyone, everyone was keeping secrets for him?

What would Kaito do if Toichi was killed by law enforcement, not criminals?

What if there is a reason all these murders happen?

What if Aoko finds out, and doesn’t forgive?

What if there was a problem that the infallible Yuusaku couldn’t solve? Something that no matter what he did, the answer he came to was wrong?

Plus several more that are a bit too spoilery to be discussed at this time. 

I also love coming up with the story’s twists and turns. There’s nothing quite like being struck with an idea you know is going to blow away the reader, it always makes me full-on villain cackle.

3. Have there been any reader feedback and/or reactions that surprised you as the project's come along?

Just about all reader’s reactions have caught me by surprise in some form or another—I never expected the sort of emotional investment readers have poured into the story. Going in, I very much wanted to try my hand at fiction sensationalism; I wanted to write the sort of dramatic teenage soap opera that was so common in television in the 2000s, like Gossip Girl or the OC. Something that really captures that “everything is the end of the world” feeling you have as a teenager, with each chapter being punchy at the time you read it but vacating your head the moment you finish until the next update. The goal was to create what I affectionately refer to as a “Super Opera”.

But I may have failed. I may have created something very different, because this story...it seems to haunt some people. It stressed them out, or provokes extreme emotions I didn’t know it was capable of pulling out. 

When people started bringing up child abuse in the comments, for some reason, I was really surprised. Especially when people started saying the depiction of it in Dominoes is realistic. I never expected any of it to resonate with people so much, or even intended it. It makes me kind of anxious, so since the first few chapters, I’ve become much more cautious and careful when it comes to writing those scenes. 

I did not expect the intensity of hate for Dominoes!Yuusaku. I didn’t expect anyone to like him, hell, I wanted readers to dislike him. The story is designed to bias the reader towards Shinichi, so that the reader is inclined to stick with him later on, no matter what. That plan might have worked too well.

I was even more surprised by the reactions to the small throwaway line from Kazuha when she heard about the breakup—it is a pretty common reactionary attitude among teenagers, and I can’t tell you how many times I heard similar things from my friends or reacted similarly to breakups. It is just a brief momentary attempt at supporting a friend, but everyone reacted like they thought Kazuha actually meant it. Which was not at all what I intended.

Also! Some people seem confused as to why Yuusaku revealed Kaito’s identity to Aoko, despite Kaito’s threats, but I thought the conversation between Hakuba and him beforehand made it pretty obvious. I guess some readers are coming at it from the perspective that Yuusaku did it to, I don’t know, hurt Kaito or something, but Yuusaku did it for Aoko’s sake. Kaito was using her, and it was going to end disastrously for her and many others if it continued. As for Kaito’s threat, well, Yuusaku weighed his options and the risks and decided helping Aoko was more important.

“But Scratchie, Yuusaku clearly prioritized keeping his identity from Shinichi—“

Has he? Has he?

Yuusaku in Dominoes is not an easy nut to crack, especially not when I, the author, am deliberately biasing the reader against him. That’s purposeful; I wanted to make it as difficult as possible for the reader to get in the right mindset to figure him out. 

For anyone dubious about Yuusaku’s choices so far, I’d really recommend rereading his and Hakuba’s scenes with fresh eyes. Put aside everything characters say about each other and focus on what the things they say tell you about themselves. Who seems most concerned with keeping the identities secret? Who doesn’t seem as concerned about it as you might expect? What is each character really worried about hiding, as opposed to what they want the other characters to think they’re worried about?

What makes Dominoes such a long project is the complexity and duplicity I have to try and work into each scene. The unreliable narrator tag isn’t a joke! If you want to solve the mysteries, you can’t get caught up in each character’s head, you gotta stay objective!

I’m gonna stop here ‘cause I’ve agonized over the answers to these questions for a silly amount of time. Thanks so much for sending them it, I love seeing people interested in the sort of meta behind Dominoes!

[ginnyzero]

8 Signs Your Book May Not Be Ready to be Self Published

https://youtu.be/w7NPRA6SgHs

I’ve taken up doing a review booktube for indie SFF books, and have decided only to do 4 or 5 star reviews due to some social pressures being an indie author and also being a reviewer. This means I’ve been SLUSH reading. (You can get lots of indie books free if you trawl twitter and start an amazon wishlist and wait.)

Self-publishing has its pros and its cons. The biggest pro of self-publishing being you are in complete control. The second is anyone can do it. There are no gatekeepers. So, like on a fanfiction website, you’re going to find a range of quality in self-published books. There aren’t any bad books. I personally don’t believe in bad books. There are books that aren’t to my taste and there are books that were published too early.

In order to keep you from publishing too early, here is my list of 8 signs your book may not be ready to publish; a reader’s perspective from already self-published books in author terms because I’m also an author.

1) You have a Prologue

Hold up. Bear with me a moment. I know out there are writers and readers who love prologues. And I can hear you going “Ginny, there’s information in my prologue readers need to know to understand my story!” I’ve already created a post called 8 Reasons Why Prologues Don’t Work. So, you can get into detail with it by reading that post.

So hard truth, most traditionally published fiction doesn’t have prologues. Because agents and editors screen them out. Before you start listing off names, established traditional authors can do pretty much whatever they want because they have followings who will buy their books. You, as an indie author, especially if you are a debut indie author, do not. You’re trying to build one.

Prologues for an average reader for all the reasons I listed they don’t work are a very, very hard sell. Adding in a prologue reeks amateur. I know. That’s harsh. And face it, self-publishing because of the lack of gatekeeping and anyone can do it has a very bad reputation for being vanity projects and ‘complete rubbish’ that ranks only a little higher than fan fiction.

Up your professional look, ditch the prologue.

2) Passive Voice

Obligatory disclaimer of not all passive voice is bad. However, if 75% of your book involves the verb ‘to be,’ telling emotions, filter words (he/she/they looked is my Achilles heel at the moment,) and masses of summarization and list descriptions of everything from chewing the scenery, clothes no one cares about, and character traits, your book needs a serious ‘active voice’ edit and isn’t ready to be self-published.

Passive voice drags the reader into slow motion and ruins immersion by putting distance between them and the main character(s). Sometimes, there’s information being told me to I don’t need to know yet (or at all for the story to make sense,) and other times I’m getting these great scene summaries that I want to see happening in real time with interactions between characters!

I wish I was exaggerating on the 95% thing.

3) Paper Thin Characters

Paper Thin Characters can be a result of passive voice. Or, the result of having a story so heavily plot based the words aren’t taken to flesh out these characters in the first place. 80K words seems like a lot, then you get into the plotting and it can get eaten up very quickly. If you’re self-publishing, well, 80K words is a guideline not a rule and guess what, you do have those words.

The largest thing I notice as I’m reading is the characters have no conflicts given to them. Their personal stakes are non-existent, and sometimes, they don’t have a valid grievance even if they do have conflicts. They don’t like things, they don’t dislike things. They don’t have any fears. Their sole purpose is to move the plot along like robots.

Worse, is if they’re the loner type. Loner types aren’t given a lot of people to interact off of, so they have to be really interesting and intriguing to keep the reader’s attention. You may like or dislike Harry Dresden all you want, however, he reads as a loner type who’s interesting enough to continue reading.

(Until Butcher’s sexism gets to you.)

4) Your plot can be solved with a five minute conversation

If your plot can be solved with two people sitting down and yakking it out for five to ten minutes, then you need to rework your plot. Plots of miscommunication, unless you’re Timothy Zahn, tend to feel incredibly contrived. And I’m talking specifically about plots where people care for one another and are supposedly not talking to the other person ‘for their own good/safety.’ Or whatever petty reason the one character has not to talk to the other person over something really important.

Save it for soap operas.

5) You’ve started the story in the wrong spot

This one is easy to do. It is really easy to start your story in the wrong place. Finding the right place where your story begins is something that takes time, practice, an editor, a few beta readers, and developing your gut and intuition. You may think ‘oh the story begins when so and so comes to town.’ And that might not be the case at all, unless strange or bad things start happening immediately. What is the incident that causes the story to really get going?

Or, you’ve gone too far into ‘in media’ res and have started the story at the climax. In today’s day and age, the inciting incident needs to be in the first chapter, not the fifth.

6) Your book lacks structure and a satisfying ending

This can often be a result of several things, the aforementioned you started it in the wrong spot, or there’s been a lack of development and you’ve got a beginning and middle but you’ve flubbed the landing.

Lack of development can lean in two directions, you’ve got too much exposition and world building and not enough story. Or you don’t have enough exposition and world building to support or explain the story you’ve got and you aren’t utilizing what you’ve got effectively.

Books need structure. They need beats and bones to hang everything else off of them. If your story lacks an inciting incident, rising action, a climax, falling action, and a satisfying ending where most of the questions raised in the story are tied up into neat little bows, then your book isn’t ready to be published.

And it’s possible to get these in the wrong order, see starting in the wrong place. The beats need to make sense as they follow one right after the other and not leave the reader confused. Sometimes, if you’re hopping around back and forth in time this can be especially difficult. If you do this, please, make sure things are labelled clearly.

Or, you’ve decided to cut the story in two to make two books because you want to end on a cliffhanger at the climax to get people to buy your second book. (You’re planning a loss leader.) Please, don’t. It doesn’t work. Stories need clear beginnings, middles, and ends. A cliffhanger works if the story prior to it has been resolved enough the cliffhanger makes sense. If you cut the book in half and leave it at the climax, it doesn’t. Readers can tell.

7) You’ve set up a different story in your plot than the one you’re telling

Foreshadowing. There are times when I’ve read a book where I’ve seen clues the author is putting into the book about the plot, and then we get to the climax and falling action and the author veers off into left field with a totally new plot that I didn’t see coming because it wasn’t set up in any way shape or form in the previous 50 to 75% of the book.

This is not good. This leaves the readers confused and feeling unsatisfied about the story because it wasn’t set up properly. A good twist has a reader going back and looking at the clues and foreshadowing and going “Oh, I get it now,” not going “Uh, where did this come from?”

Beta readers and development editors are your friends for this type of feedback. If they’re telling you your plot isn’t matching your foreshadowing, it’s time to do some thinking on how to make them jive.

8) Lack of Proofreading and Copy Editing

Your book is riddled with spelling and grammar errors. You’ve mixed up homophones and the formatting is painful to the eyes. This just shows a lack of respect for your work and for your readers.

Get thee to Grammarly or another copy editor service for your spelling and grammar and hire an edit to make sure the coffee cup finds it way in and out of your character’s hands!

Writing a book is hard work. Getting a book to where it is publishable is even harder work in order to make it enjoyable and satisfying to the reader. Readers can’t ‘read’ your mind and they need to see things played out on the page and only told information when they need it. So, here are 8 signs to look for that your book isn’t ready to be published from a self-published author, reviewer, and reader.