#my doctor hasn't been much help figuring that one out either

[penkura]

Scared of Doctors anon again.

I now raise you: Law during his time at Punk Hazard finding y/n while they're still a subject.

Honestly I have too many thoughts about this. It's helping me wait for the dub to come out

Such good ideas though, omg. I'm thinking and more is coming to me for this, it's such a good prompt. There's so many ways it could go!

But for now...

Law had not intended to save you when he came to Punk Hazard. He had a plan, one that would hopefully bring down this Devil Fruit factory and help him get his revenge, it didn't include meeting and getting to know you little by little in the time he was there. You had run into Law by accident when trying to escape, making him curious about what was going on.

You look scared when you first run into him, having turned a corner abruptly and colliding with the young doctor, asking him for help.

"Please, help me get out of here!"

"What?"

There's a fear in your eyes he doesn't like seeing, while you grip his coat tightly and plead with Law to save you, somehow. He knew Caesar was conducting experiments, obviously with the SMILE fruit and everything, but he didn't know the extent, and now he's more curious seeing you.

You look perfectly fine and healthy, there doesn't seem to be a reason why you should be afraid of anything. Most of the people that Law has seen through the lab are willing participants, or they've been bribed by Caesar with something for him to use them. You don't seem to fit either bill, unless there's something hidden that even he can't see.

But his powers should tell him, right? The brief scan he does shows nothing is wrong, though he can see some kind of drugs in your system. He'd have to do his own testing to figure out what they are and what they're for, but you're interrupted by Monet a moment later.

"Oh, I see you've met our oldest patient, doctor."

Law's concerns grow when you immediately remove your hands from him, looking towards the ground with more fear than before. Monet explains you'd been sick with a highly deadly virus three years ago before she and Caesar took you in, away from your home and family, and have been working ever since to find a cure. He watches as you back away bit by bit, turning more into yourself and apologizing, before turning around and running back where you'd come from. When he asks Monet at the illness was, she beats around the bush and doesn't give a straight answer, Law knows something is wrong with this situation but he's not in a position to figure out what it is.

Not until the Straw Hats and the Navy show up anyway. The distractions provided by them allow him the time to find you again, though you still seem fearful of him. He holds his hands up where you can see them, making you tilt your head.

"I won't hurt you. I won't touch you at all. I can use my powers to see about your illness."

"...why bother? I'm gonna die anyway."

How strange, to hear words he'd said so long ago said to his own face, but in such a different situation. After Law explains how his Devil Fruit powers work, you consent to letting him do a proper Scan, and you're confused when he tells you there's no sign of any illnesses in your body. He still sees those drugs in your system, but he doesn't have the time to check what they are yet.

"We're going to destroy this place. You'll have to come with me if you want answers from Caesar."

You really don't know if you should trust him or not, he hasn't given you much of a reason not to apart from being a doctor, like Caesar and Monet had claimed to be. Your voice is shaky when you ask Law if he promises to find out what happened, and when he does, you're almost crying as you nod. Law lets you take his hand, once you've calmed down and agreed to go with him, he starts to lead you to a safer area.

"I won't let anything happen to you, all right? Not until we get you the answers you need."

For some reason, you decide to trust him.

[jontheredrc]

Well, it's about that time again...and I dunno, man. I think my ex-roommate is coming over again. And, like, if they do, I can go to the store and buy some things that are too heavy to carry all the way home on foot. And if they don't, I can save up some energy and try to do...something. I'd like to say we can hang out, but I guess not many people have Wednesday afternoon free, huh? I am pretty close to closing out the next Tenesoir Memoirs epilogue, and I could finish that. But sometimes...I just crash, and hard. It can be hard to plan fun activities when my body will sometimes be like "oh boy, 3 PM" and just collapse.

Anyway, have a great day, everyone! Love you! And, uh, if you do somehow have Wednesday afternoon free, you wanna hang out? 👋💕

[bigassmoonchild]

Ghost

Pairing: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x Reader

Word Count: 3.1k

Summary: Simons body was back, but he wasn't really Simon. No, it was Ghost inhabiting the shell of Simons body, but even Ghost seemed to recognize you. Either way, there were days left of him being able to come back, and you didn't want to grieve your mate twice.

Content Tags: Angst, Hurt/No comfort, Medical Inaccuracies, Made Up Medical Shit ab Omegaverse, Not Quite Simon, Ghost and Simon are different people, Mentions of Violence, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha! Ghost, No Use of Y/N

A/N: I'm spoiling y'all again with more uploads <3. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Fun fact, these take me about two hours to write, but they're not beta-read or edited. As always, content is under the cut and my asks are open!!

Part 1 | Previous, Next | Headcannons, Masterlist

"What are some probable ways we bring people out of ferality?" You asked the squad standing around you. They were a few days out from graduating and at this point you were just filling time. None of them said anything, lookin around at each other. You sighed deeply.

Trip raised her hand and you stared at her. "Scents?" You blinked slowly, waiting for her to elaborate. "If we can get him a fresh scent of some packmate or a person he's especially close to then it can get him a focus point," she explained. You hummed.

Turning to look at the whiteboard you'd started with different plans to get Simon back, there were a few options you had. "The only problem with that, Trip, is that it could cause death," you whispered. The whiteboard had streaks where you'd erased and rewritten things.

Scent. Medications. Time. Death.

You sighed deeply, still thinking over anything else you could do. If you forced suppressants into his body, it would decrease the hormones in his body but the question was focusing on how to get them in him.

There weren't aerosol sedatives, he had ripped off the bindings that they had used to get him in the cell in the first place. 'What's wrong with him?' Price had asked. All you could do was shake your head, not legally able to explain anything. Fuck HIPAA.

Doctors, civilian doctors, had come in and started to try and take over. Even the doctors above you were fighting, because he wasn't a civilian. All they wanted was to use him and figure out how to bring a person out of ferality. Especially an Alpha.

"There are several ways we can fight ferality, but none of which have proven to do them well," you explained, looking around at everyone. There was nothing you could feasibly do, you knew. Similar to rabies, it wasn't something that anyone really came back from.

You sighed deeply. "Attempts have been made, but none of them came through. With too much time in ferality, a persons brain begins to shut down. We don't entirely know why, it hasn't been able to be studied, but there is very little we can do," you had to look away. "Either way, you work your hardest to ensure comfort," you had decided to add that at the end.

All you knew was that you needed to make sure he was comfortable. You knew your mate, you knew he deserved that at the very least. A knock on the conference door brought everyones attention as one of the civvy doctors walked in.

"You'll need to go in there," he told you. Shaking your head in confusion, you looked at him. "If he can recognize your scent, you'll be able to get sedatives in him. You'll be able to help us make him the first survivor," he whispered. Excusing yourself, the two of you moved quickly through the halls to make it to his cell area.

Standing in front of it, watching him stare at everyone through the balaclava, you felt your heart breaking. This wasn't Simon. It was Ghost. Blinking slowly, you listened to the hustle and bustle around you. It was like looking at him for the first time again. A man you didn't know, but was intrinsically connected to you.

With a deep sigh, you looked around at the doctors around you. "I may be his mate, but he won't recognize my scent," you whispered. "I'm pregnant, and we all know that changes someone scent," a few murmurs came from some of the doctors.

Looking away, you glanced at Ghost once more.

"I'll do it," you added.

They had you change into clothes he interacted with you the most in. So you wore your sleep clothes, just something you'd been wearing the night before. With the sedative slipped up your sleeve, the door outside the cell was unlocked.

"You know what to do," they told you. The plan wasn't all that concrete, just get in there and stab him. Very good plan, one of the best you'd ever seen. God, you wished Price had been allowed to format the whole thing. He might have a backup in case things went south.

Stepping through the now unlocked cell door, you took a quick glance back at the doors blocking your escape. Looking through the cell, Ghosts eyes were on you. Unblinking, the eyes you knew were gone. Blacked out, his pupil dilated so wide.

You didn't make eye contact with him other than the quick glance, keeping your head bowed down to try and remain as small as possible. If you weren't seen as a danger, he might not attack you. Might.

Movement brought your eyes up, seeing him standing to his full height and move to you. Slow but still graceful. You could see his face twitching, watched his chest heave with each breath he took. He was scenting you and you allowed it.

Closer, he grew closer and leaned his head close, you could hear the heaving pants as he drew your scent into him. Ghosts head dropped against your neck, pushing your head to force you to bare it to him. You could feel his nose nudging against you, feel his hands grasp at your arms and tug you closer.

You could almost feel tears filling your eyes, thinking back to the past two or so months filled with grief and eventual relief. A huffing grunt came from Ghost, almost displeasure at your scent changing. He tugged you with him, dragging you over to where he'd been sitting for the last few days.

Pushing you to sit, he stood over you. Your eyes opened, looking up at him and feeling the tears finally fall. A groaning whine came from him, his wide eyes glancing around to find something to cheer you up. You knew his thought process, you'd seen ferality in people before.

Only once had you seen it in him.

Ghost dropped next to you, tugging you into his lap and holding you close. He began huffing at your neck, pressing his scent out around you to try and soothe you. It seemed your scent was almost soothing him as well, allowing him a reprieve of the stress and fear over the last however long he'd been away.

God, how much you had missed this. The two of you didn't talk much, but you soaked this in as much as you could. His scent swirling around you, the feeling of his hands and arms wrapped tightly around you. You could feel yourself relaxing, felt the press of his head against yours.

Deep breaths brought his scent into you, albeit not being strong from where you were pressed into his chest. You could hear his heart thumping strongly against his chest, a true showing of his survival.

Pushing your hands to the back of his neck and shifting, just a little, you felt your throat choking around sobs. "'m so sorry," you whispered to him and he made another grunting whine at you.

You pressed the syringe in his neck and he jerked, but you were able to push the plunger all the way down. He whined against you, grabbing you tighter. Over the next few minutes, his grip slowly waned.

His body relaxed fully under you and you could feel the tears sliding down your cheeks begin to pick up. Stuffing your head into his neck, you inhaled deeply. Leather, tobacco and little hints of his own musk. God, you missed it, but the civilian doctors were flooding the room. Pulling you away and injecting him with different suppressants.

They dragged him away, forcing him out of your line of sight. You felt similar to how you'd initially felt when receiving his tags. Numb, like you were watching everything happening over a television.

Alpha is back.

You found Price waiting for you, just outside the medical center the doctors had dragged Ghost to. "How are you, Doc?" You fought the tears, feeling little hiccups coming from your chest.

"I don't know," you looked up at him. "I never thought I'd be able to see him again, but it's not him," you whispered. "That's not my Simon, that's Ghost,"

You knew when Ghost woke up, hearing the snarling roars coming from his chest. The suppressants hadn't worked, but he was still set to be pumped full of more in the next few days. The doctors found you sitting at the front desk, rubbing your face.

"Come with us," they said and dragged you to Ghosts room, where his snarls and roars quieted down to growls. As you sat beside him, placing your hands on whatever you could reach his growls quieted into little huffs and grunts.

You pressed yourself as close as they would allow you to him. "I missed you so much," you whispered and his head whipped around to look at you. His pupils were still so dilated, but you could make out his eye color just barely.

His eyes were always so pretty. You sighed and dropped your head to look down at the ground.

"It's been so long," you choked out. "So, so long," he looked at you, nearly blankly. God, you hoped that somewhere in that stupid head of his he could hear you. "Been almost two months, you wanna know something?" You asked, lifting your head to give him a weak smile.

All Ghost did was blink at you, slowly. Almost like he was listening, you noticed. His heartrate was dropping closer to normal rates, blood pressure dropping little by little as the minutes wore on.

"I'm pregnant," you gave a wet laugh. "I found out not too long after you left for your mission, and y'know what?" He didn't respond, but you could see the dilation of his eyes shifting just barely.

Looking away and swallowing thickly, all you could do was give little sobs.

"God, I missed you so much," you sobbed out. "When they gave me your dog tags that one morning, I didn't know what to think. I was so numb for so long but Price knocked sense into me," you choked another wet laugh. "Just like how he would do with you," you whispered.

"Pups," he whispered, staring at you. Your mouth gaped open, staring at him. His voice was rough, gravelly. It sounded like he either hadn't talked in months or had been screaming his voice out. "Pups," he whispered again, hand moving before getting caught by the handcuffs.

"Oh my god," you whispered. You lunged to get closer to him and heard scrambling at the door. People surrounded you and tugged you away, dragging you out of the door but you could hear it. His heartrate increased severely, and you could assume his blood pressure was skyrocketing again. "Stop!" You shouted, writhing against the people dragging you away.

There was a large snarl from Ghost, you could just see over everyone his writhing form as needles were stabbed into him. The door closed just as his head shot up and you could catch one last look of the fear filling his eyes. Hands tugged you away, pulling you from the area.

"No!" You still were screaming, not even realizing what you were doing. "Please, I need to be there!" You fought against the hands that pulled you further and further from the room.

"You can't," it was Price. "You can't be there, they need to be able to work on him without people in the way," he whispered to you.

"I was getting through to him, Price," he shook his head. "He spoke to me," you whispered, tugging him closer to you. "All he said was 'pups' before they dragged me out," Price looked away.

He sighed deeply. "We know," he said. "We were listening in, but you need to understand something," he made you look at him. "That isn't your mate anymore," he whispered. "He's been feral for too long,"

"No," you shook your head. "No, it's going to be okay," you whispered. "They still have a few days," you looked away. "They can't give up on him,"

Price looked away. "They're giving one more push of suppressants," he told you. "Giving them a few days, they're going to use you to help bring him out but if this doesn't work they'll need to keep him comfortable until the end," you couldn't look at him.

You weren't going to look at any of these people, how dare they give up on him so quickly? For minutes on end, you sat near Price, just waiting. For what, you didn't know, but Price wasn't allowing you to leave.

Minutes dragged into hours. Just like the hours that stole your last moments with Simon before he came back as Ghost. Minutes that you could've been in there with Ghost, comforting him as they did things to him.

He wouldn't know what was happening, his mind was too preoccupied with survival. You couldn't stop hearing his one word replaying in your mind, the recognition you now could see in his eyes. The door opened but you didn't look up, doctors came out slowly but surely.

Feet stopped in front of you, where you'd been staring at the ground. "Ma'am?" The voice whispered above you and you finally looked up. "You can go back in, now," he whispered. You knew that in the few lucid minutes a feral person had were the few minutes when more medicine should be pumped into them.

You had never expected the fear that would fill the lovers when this type of thing happened. When you were still training, you had never expected fear to be combined into others. You had no words for what you felt as you walked back in the room and saw Ghost snarl at you, his eyes no longer filled with recognition.

Sitting where you had been, you gazed over the Alpha. Blinking slowly, you moved your hands to where they had once been sitting, not so many hours ago.

"I miss you," you whispered to the Alpha. "God, I missed you so much," you could see his chest heaving with breaths, nearly see his mouth dropping open under the balaclava to allow more of your scent in. You sighed deeply.

Looking around you, the room was so bare. Something you would only use to describe hospital rooms. It hurt, knowing your Alpha was stuck here. Somewhere you weren't allowed to help.

"The rest of the pack have been helping me out, y'know," you smiled softly. Make this as normal as possible, you told yourself. "Soap's been joining me at my appointments," you looked down at Ghost. "Gaz has been making sure I take care of myself, and Price is doing his best to help during the night," you choked out a laugh.

You hear a soft little hum come from Ghost. His eyes were filling with recognition, little by little. Leaning towards him, you tried to catch his eye. They were dilating, his heartrate slowed.

He hummed again and you looked away. "I need you to come back, Simon," you whispered to him. You looked up at him, gazing over what you could see. His eyes, moving quickly around the room and grazing over you before moving away.

A deep sigh came from you and you sat there with him, watching the clock slowly tick as time carried on. Neither of you said anything and you watched as his eyes slowly drifted shut. You could feel the exhaustion slowly settling into your body, from the different emotions you'd been sent through over the last few days.

Standing up quietly, you let yourself out of the room. With one more look back, you watched the Alpha breathe slowly in his sleep. Closing the door behind you, you found Price.

Gesturing for him to follow you, the two of you slowly made your way to your office. When you unlocked the door, you sat yourself down in your chair and watched as Price closed the door behind him. He sat in front of you, lighting a cigar.

Quiet. For a few minutes, it was just quiet outside of the drag of his cigar and the soft breathing between the two of you. "He's home, Doc," he whispered. "Simons home,"

"It's not Simon," you looked at him. "That's Ghost. My Simon is not sitting in that bed, it may be his body but it's not him," you responded sharply. He looked away from you, sucking at his teeth. You blinked rapidly, trying to get the sleep out of them.

You sighed deeply, rubbing your hands over your face as you looked around the office. The one place where you and Simon had grown so close, the one place where the two of you had found peace.

"I've spent the last however many months grieving," you said. "I've grieved the life of my mate, and now he's back but it isn't him. That isn't my mate," you whispered, giving a short pause. "I can't grieve him again, Price, it'll destroy me," he reached over and rested his hand against yours.

He gave a little smile. "You won't have to grieve him again," he said. "The way he's progressing is making the doctors very happy," you gave a short laugh. "He could be the first case of survival through ferality, and you were the key to it," he told you.

For another few moments there was silence. Neither of you spoke, but you could see the pity in his eyes. Closing your eyes, you just breathed, still faintly able to smell Ghost albeit the scent becoming stale.

"I just need my Alpha," you whispered. "I need him back. I don't care if it means I fight an entire group of Doctors, they can't just kill him, Price," you opened your eyes and looked at him. "They can't just kill him," he didn't meet your eye.

"It's getting late," Price told you. "I think you need to go back to your room and sleep. Now," you didn't look at him, allowing him to guide you to your room. When you entered, he gave you a grim little smile before closing the door behind you.

Now that you were alone, you had no idea what to do. Your Alpha was just a few minutes walk away from you, but you wouldn't be able to enter that room again. They'd close down the medical center from visitors, even with your access as a doctor they wouldn't allow you to enter the room.

Crawling into your cold nest, you laid there. Shirt pressed to your face from where you could still faintly smell Ghost when he'd held you. Closing your eyes, you could almost feel his arms wrapping around you. You could almost smell him right there, right next to you.

And that's how you felt asleep, dreaming of your Alpha wrapping himself around you and making sure you knew everything would be okay. Even you didn't believe it.

Next

Taglist: (i did not realize that the tags didn’t work woospies)

@sae1kie @shinebright2000 @zechie-spams @itsmadamehydra @smiley-roos @enrapturedbythemoon @stargatenovus @cowboydisaster @404lunar @josieguts @actorryswife @the-queen-of-england183 @littlelovebug98 @cringeycookies @averytiredfanfictionwriter @kariiiel @caramlizedtomatoes

[morganas-pendragons]

All My Love | Twelfth Doctor

@pompeiianbollockr

Set during the blindness arc in Season 10 because I love me some vulnerable Doctor. I don't care if it's not in Twelve's character. He gets to be vulnerable because I SAID so :D

He hasn't spoken to you since before you landed on the space station. In fact, it's been nearly a week. It's been nearly a week since The Doctor allowed himself to kiss you. To touch you.

And possibly the most devastating part.. to see you.

Self sacrificial. That was one of the best words you'd ever used to describe him in the time you'd known this face. This face. With all its quirks, and all the things he hates about it: The attack eyebrows, the lines, the wrinkles and the age... Despite all the things he'd hated about this face, the one thing he'd learned from traveling with you is that the faces didn't matter.

He truly believed you loved him for him. You knew it. He knew it. This, though... This was something he wasn't sure he was going to come back from. The Doctor had spent centuries gallivanting across the universe, running further and faster from home because he couldn't dare look back, with promises of adventures on his lips and desperation for escape in his heart.

"Tell me... am I a good man?"

You scooted closer to where he was sitting on the stairs and tentatively rose your hand to graze your fingertips across his temple and card through those unruly silver curls. He shivered at the sensation and forced his eyes open to meet yours as you leaned in to whisper in his ear, "The best man I will ever know."

He hasn't forgotten the feeling of your lips meeting the skin under his ear. Or the first time he'd kissed you of his own accord. Or the first time you'd marked him in the dead of night in his bedroom, where your lips had branded his skin. The way he'd linked your fingers together on either side of your head.

The sound of your voice calling his name. The sound of your voice in general, so soft and sweet and good...

That is something he clings to so tightly now. All the memories of the past - mere years for you, millions of years for him - that had opened his eyes to the truth: Despite all his misgivings and all his failures, he too was someone deemed worthy of loving.

You had brought a light into his life that The Doctor had not realized he'd been so deprived of. It was the light of humanity, of hope, of a heart far too big for this universe that nobody would ever thank you for. You deserved so much better than him.

And yet, you didn't want better.

You only wanted him.

He can't figure out why he's so... sad. There's an empty hole in his hearts and his mind where someone used to be, where the memory and the love of someone he cared for used to occupy, and the realization he cannot place who they are is angering him.

The Doctor has always been vengeful. The Oncoming Storm, The Valeyard, Timelord Victorious. He has rage written into the very essence of his bones and a desire to protect and save people in a way no one had ever saved him from himself.

"Hey you," You dragged your fingers across his shoulder blades as you came to sit beside him in the open doorway of the TARDIS. "Where did you go?"

That was one of the things he'd first recognized he loved about you. Despite this body having difficulties with physical affection and intimacy, he'd learned how to communicate with body language and gazes. Absent looks. Looks of adoration. Affection. Longing. That was all it took.

And you still read him like a book.

"Something's missing," He lightly knocked on his temple as you reached out and took his hand in your own. The Doctor let you. It was like he could feel the sunlight and warmth seeping from you into him. The light overwhelming the dark. "In here. There's someone who's supposed to be in here with the rest of them. I don't remember."

You did. You did, and Clara had made you promise before she flew away that you would never help him remember. That you would help him carry the weight.

"Maybe you're not supposed to. We're all stories in the end," You whisper. The Doctor softened as he lifted your hand to his lips and tentatively brushed them against your knuckles. "And maybe some of those stories become songs. Whispers of melodies and lines that hold the things we cannot remember."

All of his memories are composed in a form of music: Lines upon lines of melancholic notes in the minor key that is his endless life, with crescendos of bright notes meant to convey the optimism and light brought by the companions who travel alongside him.

And when they leave, the decrescendo extends over what feels like years, softening to a singular note that eases into silence.

Him, alone, on his own battlefield. That's how he feels right now. Battling the recognition that he may never be able to bask in the light again. That he may always be victim to the darkness.

So The Doctor lets the darkness win. He distances himself from you because it's better to face the darkness alone.

However, you are not willing to let him.

***

You know him. You know him better then you know yourself, and you have known him long enough to know his tells when it comes to how he keeps his secrets. How he lets himself lie. You are the only person who is able to truly see The Doctor.

You would be lying if you said you weren't hurt by his sudden distance. He hadn't done this since he'd recently regenerated. When he'd been resentful of his new body, of the world, and of who he was now.

You had lost count of all of the times that you had followed the sound of grief and heartache and despair into the darkness of his bedroom. All the times he'd turned you away. All the times he'd left you out in the cold of the TARDIS hallways.

All the times he'd finally given in and allowed himself to be held.

You'd been longing to do that again. To be the one being held, to be reminded that he did indeed still love you. The Doctor always went on about having ''a duty of care'' for you and for Bill.

Did your self hatred overwhelm your duty of care, Doctor? Did the coward finally win?

When Bill and Nardole had disappeared, you had stayed behind with The Doctor when he'd attempted to read the Veritas. You had been right around the corner when you were alarmed by the sound of pained groaning coming from within the cage.

"Cardinal, it worked. I can see. Not well enough. Not yet."

Dread bubbled low in your stomach as you approached the cage from behind. Hadn't his blindness been cured? What was he talking about?

"Think about the universes. Whatever you need, you can always borrow." He blinked heavily. Once, twice, three times to try and clear the haze from over his eyes. You were standing just outside of his peripheral vision. He wouldn't be able to tell you were there. And after shutting you out, after days of nothing.. This upset you. This hurt. "As long as you pay it back. I just borrowed from my future. I get a few minutes of proper eyesight, but I lose something. Maybe all my future regenerations will be blind. Maybe I won't regenerate ever again. Maybe I'll drop dead in twenty minutes, but... I will be able to read this."

He slammed his hand on top of the Veritas. You weren't paying attention anymore. The next thing you knew, the lights were going out, and you were running to keep up with him even though he did not know you were there.

You tried not to let your hurt show. Or for him to hear it in your voice.

That would come later.

***

When all was said and done, you found him in the console room. He was still adjusting to learning how to identify when people were approaching based off of his other senses. It took The Doctor a moment to recognize the sound of footsteps approaching, but he did turn from his seat on the pilot's chair nearest to the console to where he thought you were standing.

He also didn't know that you were very aware he was still blind.

"Darling? Is that you? You should know that I always know it's you. Don't be coy."

"I'm mad at you."

His brow rose at that. "And why would that be?"

You walked forward to stand in the natural part of his legs. "For all of the times you have dragged me across the universe," You begin, swallowing your fear as you take both his hands and settle them on your hips while you settle in his lap. "For all the times I have had with you, the years I have known you. I never thought you'd be this thick."

The Doctor snorted. Did you not know this face? He was ridiculously thick headed.

"You should know by now that I am extremely thick," He argued, allowing his fingers to drift under the fabric of your cotton shirt and drum lightly against your hips. "Thick headed and arrogant and a selfish old man."

"An old man who forgot the first promise we ever made." You have yet to touch him. To properly touch him. ''Tell me. When did you forget?"

He struggled to keep hold of those memories. The early ones. When one has an infinite life, you do your best to hold onto what is precious.

"You can't." The Doctor had declared. It had been mere weeks since he'd regenerated, and he was so unsure, so scared. He did a remarkable job of hiding it. "You can't love me."

It was also the first time you'd properly been able to communicate how you felt to him. Eleven had called you, desperate and longing and begging you to understand, to remember that he's still The Doctor despite having a different face.

You had never had the courage to tell his younger face that you loved him. When Eleven had helped you to recognize the fear underneath that worn, aged face, you'd walked right back into the TARDIS and declared it with all the courage of a soldier facing a battlefield alone.

"I do love you. I have loved you. It took a while for me to recognize it, but I do. It's not a lie. It's not a trick or deception. It's me." You took your hand and placed it on his chest. He winced, though briefly, because this body was not quite ready to accept more physical contact than that. "Being brave."

"Promise me then. No secrets. No tricks." He murmured. You took the opportunity to close the gap of space between you, keeping your hand in its place as his grey eyes met yours. You shivered as he brought his own hand up to cradle your jaw. Your lips parted on their own accord as his eyes flickered down to them before slowly dragging his gaze upward to meet your own. "Promise me that you will keep them safe."

"Them?"

"Those fragile, beating things you've held in your hands since we met. Tell me," His breath fanned across your face as he hesitantly leaned inward. "What does it feel like to hold a Timelords hearts?"

"I asked you to keep me safe," The Doctor remarked. "That's not your job. It was an unrealistic promise."

"You're forgetting the beginning of that promise," You finally leaned inward enough that The Doctor could feel the rise and fall of your chest, the warmth of your breath against his cheek. He froze as you lightly tapped his sonic glasses. "No secrets. Take them off."

He did not move for almost a minute and a half. The Doctor knew that he should've seen this coming. He should've known you were clever enough to figure him out.

He removed one hand from under your shirt and removed the glasses willingly. Your heart hammered painfully hard in your chest as you were greeted with the familiar grey of his eyes. This time, however, they were cloudy. They were almost... dark.

"It never went away. I just didn't know how to properly tell you." The Doctor shrugged. "You deserve better. It's as I've said. Selfish old man, traveling across the universe with his best-"

He paused as you pressed a fingertip to his lips. The Doctor hummed and kissed your finger, reveling in the feeling of warmth tracing his face reverently.

"I wish you'd just told me." You murmured. You pressed yourself closer, dragging his hand up your hip until his thumb was pressing hard enough against your skin to feel your heartbeat. "You know me better than this. I love you. You have all my love."

"Even without my sight?" He asked. "I can't... I can't see you. And it's devastating."

That was a peculiar way to describe it. "What could be devastating about that?"

"You really don't know, do you?" He replied. You took both of his hands and slowly lifted them to your face, setting his thumbs against the curve of your lips. "It's hard to come to terms with the darkness winning when you've learned to love the light."

Oh.

"You can't see me," You whisper. You shiver as he drags his fingers across your mouth slowly, allowing them to travel across your face. "But you can learn how to find the light again. Darkness isn't forever."

You spent what felt like hours in silence after that. The Doctor allowed himself to drink in the warmth for the first time in ages, humming as you allowed him to relearn your face. The shape of your eyes. The sweep of your nose, the curve of your lips, the texture of your hair under his fingers.

When he was done, your breath caught as he tangled his fingers in your hair and dragged your head back just enough to expose the slope of your neck. "My love," His voice rumbled deep in his chest. "Tell me, what does it feel like?"

It took you a moment to find your voice as he lowered his head to drag his teeth across your pulse point, followed by the warmth of his lips that elicited a shiver from deep within you. "What does.. What does what feel like, Doctor?"

The last thing he says is, "Being the light." Before he's capturing your lips with his own, and the light overcomes the darkness once again.

[linskywords]

I love the idea of subdrop manifesting physically (also a reason why I love angry_geno_is_score's "Serenity in Those Deep Waters")

Like imagine Connor discovering Sid is sick and he immediately springs into hero worship fueled "how can I help, I can get you the best doctors" etc.

And maybe at this point Sid has figured out what is causing him to be sick. Not that he'll ever tell anyone that stubborn idiot boy. But he keeps hinting at Connor what is causing it but it flies over Connor's head because, well, he thinks that's just a fact of life.

(Except maybe Connor's sickness is more mental. Panic attacks, anxiety bouts, etc. But either way Connor hasnt connected dynamics to being sick)

Also I SO think Leon would pick up on this too. But he would have the attitude that Nico and Jamie did. AKA "he needs to figure it out himself. I'll help him through it but I am NOT touching this concept until I absolutely have to"

Ooh okay this is interesting. I haven't had either of the subs in this 'verse have long-lasting illness-like side effects from not subbing -- but then, neither of them have tried to do it as long as Sid has. They've pretty much caved at 20, 21. As someone in the USNTDP pointed out in Jack's story, the need to practice your dynamic isn't fully developed until adulthood. The health consequences probably don't start until then. What would it look like if Trevor tried to do what he was doing last year for another decade??

It would also vary by person a bit, and that's how you get someone like Nolan Patrick. He hasn't been suppressing his subbing that long -- but maybe he's unusually sensitive to the side effects. By the time he realizes what it's doing to his body, he's developed a chronic condition, and all the subbing in the world won't get him healthy enough to return to the NHL.

...And okay also returning to Connor and Leon: this could involve one of my favorite AU tropes, Leon thinking that everyone in North America is stupid about this kind of thing. He sees Connor in distress and thinks, obviously this guy should sub; why wouldn't he? But of course it's not that easy for Connor. Leon's going to have to learn to be patient with the hangups that come with an upbringing in deeply subphobic society.

[ellewritesandrants]

I was inspired to write some Billy and Max wingmanning for each other because of this post from @11willgrahamseyes11 because why not?

Imagine it’s post S3 where Billy survived and Max just found out that Neil had left Hawkins. She heads to the hospital to tell her brother, because that’s what he was, that his dad had just skipped town to avoid paying medical bills he wasn’t even going to be charged for.

“Neil left?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, Billy.”

“Figures he got sick of having a queer disabled freak for a son.” Billy scoffed.

Max slapped his shoulder, confident enough to do so after months of proper communication, bonding and actually getting to be siblings and not each other’s burdens to bear.

“Hey! Don’t talk about my brother that way, asshole. And anyway, Neil would have eventually realized he had two queer kids and he’d probably have run even faster.”

Billy eyes snapped to hers.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

A peaceful moment of silence passed before Billy broke it.

“Is it that psychic chick, the one that’s dating Wheeler?”

Max immediately bristled.

“How’d you know?”

“Let’s just say I know what it feels like to pine after someone who’s in love with a Wheeler.”

Max took a good minute to think before it finally clicked.

“Steve? You like Steve?”

“Don’t be so loud, Maxie! But, yeah, I like Steve. Anything wrong with that?”

“A lot. Steve’s a dumbass, Billy.”

“Hey! I think it’s cute. Anyway, that El girl isn’t the most talkative girl in the world.”

“But I like that about her.”

“Well, I guess we’re both saps for people who’ll never like us back.”

“I don’t know. I think I might have a chance if I can convince her to break up with her boyfriend.”

“Don’t you have a boyfriend?”

“Lucas? I broke up with him months ago after he didn’t even try to give you a chance to apologize. If he wanted to get me back, he knew what he should have done and if he doesn’t want to, then good riddance.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. After all, it’s me and you against the world, right, Kill Bill?”

“It’s me and you against the world, Mad Max.”

Since Billy wanted at least one of them to get their happy ending, he gets Max to ask El if she was willing to visit Billy so they could talk about the memories she’s seen and of course, El agrees.

Billy hasn't really had any visitors outside of Max ever since he was admitted into the hospital due to him being in the PICU for the first three months and only allowing a limited number of people inside to visit him. It's been another three months since he was moved to a regular room and the doctors had just cleared Billy to receive more visitors but to keep them to 2-4 people to avoid overcrowding.

None of his so-called friends actually visited but he had somewhat expected it. Tommy had promised to visit after sending a letter checking in but he and Carol were busy at the college their dads bought them into so it left the basketball team who stopped by after practice once to tell him how badly they were doing without him and how they couldn't wait to have him on the court again.

None of Max's friends have been by either but Billy heard from Max about a big fight they'd had regarding Billy and how the boys refused to think that Billy was anything but evil, forcing Max, El and Will to branch away because Will was hurt since he'd also been possessed and therefore, just as evil and El hated how they treated Billy as a monster when he was just as much a victim as she was.

Hopper doesn't really trust Billy but after he allows it on the condition that Max stays in the room which Billy doesn't fight. They have a nice chat about the memories, most of which Max wasn't aware of but it actually helps them since Billy's willing to trust Max enough to bare his soul to her willingly.

After they have an emotional talk about bad fathers who need to be kept out of their lives as well as absent mothers who tried, Billy shifts the conversation more to school because he's been helping Max keep on top of her classes so he offered the same to El.

Max quickly corrects Billy and tells him that El was homeschooled due to her not being allowed to study because of the lab. Billy has the bright idea of tutoring El during the day since he wasn't really doing anything and he was bored out of his mind and running out of books to read that Max would borrow from the library for him.

It would not only give him something to do but also a way to see if Max actually had a chance that didn't involve Max getting hurt. He could also help El who seemed like she really did need help, just like he did.

Of course, they ran it past Hopper who initially wanted nothing to do with Billy Hargrove until Max told him the truth about Neil. Hopper was eventually worn down by El who was tired of being stuck at the cabin with no one to talk to and he agreed under the condition that he'd be there during the first few sessions.

Once Hopper was there, he took the sessions as a chance to confirm what El said and when he really, truly looked at Billy, he saw a reflection of the kid he used to be, abused and alone and he realized why El had wanted to get to know Billy and to be his friend.

It also didn't hurt that Billy was an honors student who used to tutor in California during the weekdays for extra cash and he was used to being a tutor and helping students with their studies.

Hopper worked out a deal with Billy that El would come over three times a week when she was supposed to have school and he would help her for a daily rate.

She progressed in leaps and bounds under someone who was used to working around certain hang-ups and Billy was able to help El, whom he commonly called Jane or Janie to find a way of studying that worked for her that wasn't just reading books and answering worksheets.

Her progress astounded the newly together Joyce and Hopper, leading to her asking if Billy could do the same for Will since he wasn't really talking to the other boys.

Soon, Billy's hospital room became the trio's common hang-out spot after school, with Will and Max either biking, skating or walking together so that they could get help on their homework from Billy after he and El were done with their lessons for the day.

The entire time that Billy had been tutoring the kids, he'd been observing the interactions between El and Max and it really did seem like his little sister had a chance. Of course, there was still the tiny hang-up in the form of Mike Wheeler and Lucas Sinclair who apparently still didn't get the hint that their respective relationships were over.

Since El, Max and Will were all comfortable with Billy, once they were done with their homework and lessons, they usually talked about anything under the sun to help El be more familiar with popular culture and how the world worked so one day, Billy slyly got the conversation to head towards gender expression and sexuality.

He'd learned a lot in California that he couldn't really put into practice in Hawkins but he was reasonably sure that these three kids in particular would be able to accept him and would actually benefit from what he said.

Billy had ended up coming out of the closet to the kids who swore to keep it a secret and he answered any and all questions they had. El was surprised that women could be with other women and men could be with other men or with multiple people because all Hopper and Mike had ever told her was that boys went with girls and vice versa.

This led to Will and El to question their sexualities and to realize that maybe they weren't as straight as they assumed. Will was definitely getting a case of hero worship for the older teen and it showed when he got home, enough that Joyce was able to paint a clear picture of Billy's life which she didn't like.

She came to visit him once without El to confirm her assumptions and she made sure to tell him that he was always welcome at their house after everything he's done for them. Billy had teared up and he'd gotten his first hug from a mom in months since Susan had ended up falling into a pit of alcoholism again.

Joyce had reamed Hopper afterwards for not being able to help Billy beforehand and how Hopper would have to make things up to Billy after he was discharged. Joyce would keep visiting Billy, often bringing food to share and occasionally, bringing Hopper along with her to help the bigger man to see Billy as she saw him, a lonely kid in need of parental guidance.

Almost a whole school year passed with an increase in the tension between Max and El but no action on either side of the pair. Will was El's confidant and he was slowly going crazy about how El ranted and raved about how pretty and smart Max was without doing anything about it.

Billy, on the other hand, was tired about hearing all about how cute and adorable El was from his little sister and while he had partially caused this to happen, he also didn't want to keep hearing about it.

So, Billy made plans. He was getting discharged pretty soon and his physical therapy was going pretty well, enough that he was looking to be in shape and back to peak condition in a few months and that he was being allowed behind the wheel.

Truth be told, Billy had fully recovered by the time he started tutoring the kids but the doctors and scientists still couldn't understand why he was still alive and how he had survived. The past few months were heavily focused on physical and mental therapy to help him get over the ordeal and to be able to live a normal life.

Billy would be forced to take his senior year a year late but he didn't mind since it would allow him to be able to watch the kids for their first year in high school, enough to at least protect them from the worst of it after hearing how badly Will had been bullied before.

The first thing Billy did after getting out of the hospital was to get Hopper to take him to his fully repaired car so he could get over the mental block of being behind the wheel and actually being in control.

After going around town with Joyce in the front seat, cheering him on, he went to pick up the kids on their last day of middle school so they could celebrate.

The entirety of Hawkins was shocked to find Billy Hargrove driving his signature Camaro, thinner and more lithe than before but happier than they had ever seen him, picking up his little sister and spinning her in a hug and immediately pulling Will "the Fairy" Byers into an other hug after.

The rest of the party watched in awe and shock at the scene, not knowing that Will had even talked to Billy after everything. Steve was also equally in shock but it also felt like the first time he had ever seen Billy Hargrove.

After, Billy stopped by the new Byers-Hopper house to pick up El and he invited Jonathan to come with them for dinner at the diner where Joyce and Hopper would meet them. He and Jonathan had had a few conversations since he'd come to the hospital to pick up and drop off Will, El or both of the teens and they'd come to bond over shitty fathers and the small overlap of the musicians they liked.

Weirdly enough, it was the exact same diner that Steve had brought the other boys to celebrate their last day of school since it was beside the arcade. Billy had been half tempted to leave but having Max by his side made him brave enough to brave the stares that followed him.

He hadn't let their glares get in the way of his first real meal outside of the hospital and he enjoyed dinner for the first time in a long time surrounded by people who cared about him.

After he paid using some of the government’s compensation, Max managed to convince him to show El the ropes in the arcade because he had been the one who had taught her most of the tricks that she used to get the high score.

The boys and Steve couldn't help their curiosity once Billy and the rest of the kids entered the arcade and they watched from a distance as Billy blew all of the high scores on all of the machines out of the water without even breaking a sweat.

Max saw this as the perfect time to set her brother up with his crush so she tricked Steve into agreeing into a competition on the basketball shooting game with Billy. Having them play side-by-side ignited the adrenaline rush that Steve used to feel when he was playing against Billy but this time, he was happy and excited and not angry.

By the end of 5 rounds, Billy had trounced him completely but Steve took his defeat graciously, even offering a rematch in swimming in his heated pool.

While the boys were having their friendly competition, the rest of the party, namely Dustin, Lucas and Mike were apologizing to Will, Max and El about not believing them when it came to Billy. It was obvious to see that he had changed a lot from the person he used to be and they wanted their friends back.

Max and subsequently El refused to accept their apology until Billy accepted their apology but Will quickly forgave his childhood best friends. Will had missed playing D&D with his friends and being able to talk them and not just to his family, including his new sister and her crush.

As soon as the friendly competition between Billy and Steve was over, the boys apologized to Billy who decided to be the bigger person and accept it while also apologizing for how he used to be.

Billy's made leaps and bounds of progress in therapy as to why he was the way he was and he was well on his way to become the person he wanted to be which meant forgiveness and understanding on both sides of the party.

The next weekend, Billy got permission from Joyce and Hopper to take El and Max to the mall in the next town over so he could finally get them to go on a date. Of course, Max hijacked his plans by subtly inviting Will to get the boys to watch a movie and of course, have Steve drive them.

While the boys were watching a movie, Steve was wandering aimlessly just as Billy was and in a small mall in Indiana, they were bound to cross paths. Steve couldn't help but want to get to know this new Billy so they ate a snack together at the food court and they passed a few hours getting to know each other.

The mall trip was a success on both ends because Max was finally brave enough to ask El to be her girlfriend while Steve was brave enough to set a date on the swimming rematch they planned to have.

It took a few months of summer loving before Steve finally worked the courage to kiss Billy and ask him to be his boyfriend but he eventually got there even if he had needed the intervention of the party because they were tired of his pining.

The Mayfield-Hargrove siblings were good wingmen to each other and they had a 100% success rate in stealing partners from the Wheelers.

[luna-baby01]

Luna Gets Even Bigger, Part I

Being pregnant with so many babies back to back has done quite the number on your body. You are truly enormous now. Getting pregnant with decuplets again at 350 pounds swelled you up to an insane 800 pounds on your due date. You lost 200 pounds that day in baby and amniotic fluid. Unlike last time, nursing your latest brood hasn't really helped you shed any of that baby weight because you're eating just that much to offset any calories burned by it, nor can you really look after either set of your decuplets because you can't really move quickly enough to keep up with them anymore. That's a duty largely left to your husband. You're still an absolutely staggering 600 pounds postpartum. You are wider than you are tall, and you're not even pregnant. Your figure has lost a lot of its femininity at this point. You've gotten so fat that many of your curves have blended together, though any reasonable person would still be able to tell that you're definitely a woman. Those hips of yours are doorframe-crushing, getting stuck every single time you try to venture out of your bedroom, which you don't really do much anymore because of the fact that you get stuck in the door frame so much. Your doctor is shocked that you're still mobile at this size given how short you are. He has recommended that you not get pregnant again, saying that you must lose at least 400 pounds before doing so if you really want to, both because he believes that you're almost certainly infertile at this weight and you would gain multiple hundreds of pounds due to your legendarily insatiable maternity-induced appetite. He thought that would stop you, but guess what? He was wrong.

You absolutely want to get pregnant again, and none of those aforementioned obstacles are going to get in the way of that. You know that even if you could get pregnant again, you could crest 1000 pounds easily. That actually spurs you on more, if anything. You have a history of pushing yourself beyond all reasonable limits in this department, why should any of that stop you now? This mama gets what she wants, and what she wants is another set of babies in her belly to swell her up and pin her down underneath them. I guess not all good things must come to an end, after all.

You find yourself moaning pleasurably at the thought of getting pregnant again, even at your current size. Your husband takes note of this, ready to service you at your beck and call. He hasn't been trying to get you pregnant again, but he knows what his wife wants. Even though you cast your doubts about your ever-ballooning figure to the side in the past, you're worried about your husband's reaction to your new body again. Surely he can't find you attractive now that your exaggerated feminine features have all started blending together. That was a good guess, but no. He is devoted to you completely. He may have to work a bit harder to satisfy you now, but satisfy you he does more than willingly. You're his wife, after all. And his wife always gets what she wants. He knows you want babies, and he's going to give them to you no matter what. He isn't without his own concerns, however.

One night, while the two of you are in the throes of passion, he asks, "Are you sure you want to get pregnant again? You're absolutely gargantuan. I don't know if you'll be mobile again if you did."

Your response, while uncharacteristically aggressive, is the only one you could have possibly given.

"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! YOU'RE PUTTING SOME BABIES IN ME AND THAT'S FINAL! I COULD BREAK DOWN THE WALLS OF THIS HOUSE BY MY SHEER SIZE ALONE AND IT STILL WON'T BE ENOUGH FOR ME! YOU'RE GOING TO FILL MY BELLY WITH BABIES WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! NOW BE A GOOD BOY AND DO YOUR JOB AS MY BREEDING STUD!"

That proverbial kick in the ass he just got from you was just what he needed. He certainly did do his job exceedingly well, but finding out exactly how well he did that job would have to wait.

(continued in Part II)

WOOOOO YEAH BABY THATS WHAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR, THATS WHAT ITS ALL ABOUT!!

[ineffectualdemon]

I am pro mental autonomy

People with mental illnesses deserve to have control over their mental health care and that includes whether or not they seek treatment or medication

By this I mean being openly mentally ill shouldn't be stigmatised against or forced treatment on if no one else is being harmed. Even if they make other people uncomfortable because discomfort is not harm

The rare instances where mental illness can contribute to harm against others is a complex matter and even then they should have a say in their treatment

And I say this as someone who has been situations where someone else's mental health has made me fear for my safety/life

But I have also been in many more situations where someone else's mental health made me uncomfortable. And I can tell you the way the people who merely made me uncomfy were treated by society was disgusting

(for the record I tried not to show my discomfort and either help or ignore them depending on the situation, my age, and what I felt was more appropriate at the time)

This is all to say I am against forcing treatment

That being said I am also really pissed off that the metric of who receives treatment is based solely off if they make other people uncomfortable/pose an obvious risk to themselves

I cannot tell you all the harm my religious delusions caused as a young person and why I have had to fight to find my own ways to protect myself. The distilled version is it drove me to self harm both physically and mentally and it would have gotten worse. There were times I was close to cutting my hands to mimic the stigmata and the only reason I didn't was because I was sure it would start on its own. I understood why people in the past had whipped themselves bloody in the name of God

I was in it deep

And I don't think anyone I lived with or knew knew about this at the time because a symptom of my delusions is that I can't tell people or bad things happen. Extreme secrecy is a by product of my delusions. And the religious delusions are only one of my delusions

I figured this out during a clear period in my early twenties and that's when I became someone known for oversharing. Because if I didn't have secrets I couldn't create elaborate realities in the same way. It hasn't ended the delusions but it has kept me safer and away from certain things but I know how easily I fall back into old delusions. I know religious delusions are just lying under the surface. Hell I listened to a song last year that had a Christian message and that alone very nearly pulled me back in. I had to stop myself from listening to it and it was difficult*

But I am not obviously mentally ill to most people. I don't show my symptoms very much because of the extreme secrecy part of it and generally other people aren't uncomfortable around me due to my delusions because they don't know about them

So when I went to the doctor during a lucid period and said "I have these issues and they cause me this kind of harm and I need help" and because I wasn't actively and obviously delusional in the moment and I was not making anyone else uncomfortable I was told "those aren't delusions" and denied treatment for them

Same for my hallucinations. Who cares if it scares me and keeps me from sleeping if I know they weren't real by the time I talked to a doctor and it didn't bother other people around me

I only ended up on an anti-psychotic and got therapy by emphasising my mood swings...you know. The thing that bothers other people

I'm off my anti-psychotic now for many reasons and the only reason I'm doing okay is because my in-laws paid for a private therapist for a year who actually believed me and helped me with my delusions and hallucinations

I am just so angry that people get treatment they don't want forced on them because other people find them a bother and people who want treatment can't get it because they aren't enough of a bother to other people

*and I was only able to do it because of my last therapist

[clatterbane]

I had another routine endocrinology check-in appointment the other day, this time with a different specialist nurse. The doctor I had been seeing here left and apparently moved back to Cyprus (I knew she was going not long after my last appointment), so I apparently got shuffled over to a different team. The next appointment up, whenever that is, will evidently be with that other doctor. At least they are assigning one per case there, instead of "you'll see whoever is available on the day, and better act suitably grateful for it". It's still a crapshoot, but at least not a fresh one every single time you go in.

Anyway, as always I went in halfway expecting a bitch-out session. Crammed full of weird assumptions about everything that I must be Doing Wrong as a substitute for actual help, however divorced from reality those assumptions might be. (Not least, by just being a lazy fat whiny American. I mean, I am very obviously American.)

Note: This has never actually happened at this clinic, to date. Thankfully, they did not ruin that record at this appointment. I was also going in without much for anyone else to complain about.

What I actually got: Surprise at how unexpectedly good all my numbers were looking, now that I am getting appropriate treatment. With a quick review to make sure I had all the prescriptions I needed until they want me back, and to make sure I didn't have any particular questions. Went away in maybe 15 minutes (5 of that spent waiting for a quick in-office HbA1c finger stick test), with a sadly gratifying"You're doing great! Don't change anything!"

Funny how that works when you're actually getting the tools you need to manage things, eh? 🙄

(I was unsurprised that the quick A1c came back at 4.3 / 23, which was actually the highest so far over the past few years of regular testing but still well into the "unexpectedly low even for a nondiabetic" range. My CGM data has been estimating it at a more plausible 5.5-5.6 based on blood sugar readings, which is still in "nondiabetic levels of control" territory. There has consistently been something screwy going on there since I was initially dx'ed 15+ years ago, with implausibly low A1c numbers the whole time. They have been trying to figure out what might be affecting my red blood cell/hemoglobin turnover here--thus, some of the extra blood tests the last endo kept running. Still haven't figured it out, since there are so many things that can possibly influence that in one direction or the other. My best guess is that at least part of it is related to the Gilbert's, with the naturally high bilirubin. Anemia probably hasn't been doing that much good, either. Though I think that has improved with the iron supplements the endo actually gave me. Whatever might be behind the hemoglobin weirdness, it's been going on for many years and hasn't killed me yet. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

Anyway, I was more relieved than I should have ever needed to be at how that appointment went. Here's hoping that the different doctor they've assigned me to won't be a complete dick either.

[thessalian]

Thess vs The Colleagues, Again, Some More

Yeah, so, apparently it's not New Girl who's making my life hell. Or. Well. It's not only New Girl making my life hell.

I really, really wanted to call out for at least part of today. I mean, this migraine is not fucking shifting. Being stuck with a laptop screen because management still hasn't processed my request for an USB monitor for the fucking machine despite my having put in a request in January? That doesn't help. But I figured, we're actually not doing too badly, the typing queue is finally back down to the double-digits, I can take it slow, it'll be fine.

First thing I noticed was that, yet again, I got stuck with any and all Annoyances. I swear if I have to look at one more placenta triage form or anything to do with prostate biopsies, I will scream. Placenta's just ... involved; prostate involves at least six samples, sometimes more, from the organ in question, so that gets long-winded. And everyone knows which doctors do those things, so they can really easily avoid those things. There's a reason why I set up little macros where I can just type in a code and get a fair few of those bits filled out for me - same as for mastectomies, kidneys, and everything else they all decide to leave for me to deal with - I don't like them either but I get stuck with them so often that I had to find ways to make it less painful for me.

(Yes, I offered those same macros to my colleagues. No, they never took me up on it. I mean, if they did, they might be obliged to do the fucking Annoyances once in awhile for any reason other than my absence.)

So I get through the Annoyances, trying to take it slow, and managed relatively well despite the occasional stabbing pain in my head ... until about 5pm, when I noticed that the main typing queue just grew by a fair bit and went to check for any urgent cases. There were two. There were also nine reports dated yesterday midday. I was already typing on midday today at that point, which means someone sat on the damn things all freakin' day and then dumped them back in the queue at the end of the day. None of them were over a minute long, either! They were just ... slightly annoying people to type for! So I had to grab all those and pick up the pace to get all of that plus the two urgents and the stuff that was in my queue done in about a half-hour. So much for "taking it easy".

Now, why does this prove to me that it isn't New Girl - or at least not only New Girl - doing this to me? Well, New Girl had the day off today. So I'm trying to figure out exactly who the fuck is doing this to me. I mean, all of them are at least partly responsible, but the "Let's sit on older work all day and then dump it back into the queue" doesn't feel like Goblin, mostly because she works until 5:30pm so she'd have had plenty of time. This means it's probably Temp doing it.

There's another frustration that I can't pin on my colleagues. See, how it works is that there are request forms scanned onto our systems that contain a bunch of details we need to type into the reports - specimen details, clinical details, stuff like that. Well, somebody's been egregiously bad at scanning that shit in lately. Half of the stuff I've had to type the last week had no scanned request forms on the system. Which is bad when things are illegible, or newbie doctors don't know where to look for the clinical details and so don't dictate them, but worse when it's stuff like triage forms where the clinical details are long and fiddly.

So now I have a weekend. I also have a lot of head-stabby. I should have called out.

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

I really liked this chapter!! It was angsty but not in like a bad way??? Like it was a hopeful angst hahaha!

This definitely makes up for Dieters behaviour! I hope Talia doesn’t blame herself too much tho because while yes, she could’ve helped him earlier. But it’s also not her responsibility to make sure his doctors are doing the right things? And she also has to take care of her own mental health. So I don’t blame her for not doing anything. It’s a complicated situation!

tbh, I think this was kinda the worst time to really introduce Lauren and Alex’s relationship because with everything with Dieter, I just don’t really care about them? lmao it’s kinda like “yeah good for them but is Dieter okay?????”

That moment with Talia and Dieter just made me 🥺🥺😭😭 he just wants to come home 😭😭 like actually broke my heart. I just wanna wrap him in a snuggly blanket and hug him. (Can we make him a mental health hospital basket? Like fluffy socks and chocolates and a little stuffed bear that smells like home…🥺😂)

And it suuuuucks that all this happened and that Dieter will have to go through all this now but it’s also good because he needs this and sometimes the good things are so fucking hard. But they’ll be worth it in the end and Dieter (and Talia) deserve all the good things 🥺

I can’t wait to see Dieter learning all the healthy coping mechanisms and therapy tricks (i feel like he’s gonna be so proud of himself that he’s shyly gonna tell people the things his therapist said helps. 🥺)

Aaaaaaaah I’m just so freaking soft for him and I just want him to be happy and healthy!!!! I already can’t wait to read the next chapter, I love this story sooooo muuuuuuch!!! (thanks for the update and we love you!!)

Thanks for the message Anon!

I am happy to hear you enjoyed this chapter! It was indeed a rough one. It defiantly brought back some not-so-great memories for me. The conversation between D and Talia was loosely based off real conversations I have had with two people in my life. Neither of which were easy. So, if you felt some realism to it, that is most likely why.

More after the cut... (contains spoilers for Chapter 25)

Oh you know Talia is totally going to be hard on herself about how she handled the whole situation. Especially now that she admits she hasn't been handling her emotions well either. Everything she has kept locked away is about to bust out with a vengeance, forcing her to finally deal with her issues too... and I do mean everything. Not just the things related to D. So, here is my thinking behind the Lauren and Alex reveal...Was it ideal? Absolutely not, but neither is life. Alex was obviously going to be there for his brother. It's inevitable. Alex & Lauren were already together when Gabby called, and they came to the hospital together. Lauren, of course, wanted to be there to support D, Talia, Gabby, and Alex. It's hard to support the person you are in love with while pretending you are not a couple. In my mind, during situations like this, all of the trivial stuff like that kind of goes out the window so that you can be there for the people you love. Honestly, their relationship was probably the last thing on their mind in the middle of the panic that Gabby's call would have brought on. To be fair, they didn't announce it...Gabby and Talia just kind of figured it out. It really was a heartbreaking moment... and it isn't even that he wanted to go home. He wanted to be with Talia, wherever she was. He just wants them to be together again in their little bubble. She is home to him.

It does suck that he has spiraled so hard. It helps to see the good in it though. It is going to force both D and Talia to get the help they need so they can have their happily ever after.

Given that you feel that is how he will be about his recovery, I think you will enjoy the ending that I have planned for these two. 😉 At this point, I think we all want to hug and snuggle D. I am sure he wouldn't be opposed to a gift basket. Maybe a stuffed raccoon (that smells like Talia) and some kit-kats would make things a little easier on him? Thanks for reading! I love my anons and readers too! 💜😘

🌛Mysterious-Moonstruck-Musings

CC: @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @for-a-longlongtime @hisandsnakes @chaoticfestninja @survivingandenduring @partyofone3413 @wannab-urs @cakipy-blog @titlee78 @poodlebae @guelyury @missladym1981 @maried01 @alokaerza @samiamproductions @misstokyo7love @themonadiaries-blog @madnessofadaydreamer @darkheartgatita @avastrasposts @weho2kcmo @harriedandharassed @tkchaos @girlofchaos @yghuibt @musings-of-a-rose

[deeisace]

dad just called

well actually, mum called yesterday when dad told her, cs dad doesn't tell me things very often, but he did just now

i didn't tell him mum had called, obviously

my nan's gone into a hospice

apparently that's not the same thing as it used to be, that you go in and never come back out, and she's supposed to come home again next week

but she is very very ill now

she's had cancer for a long long time, and it's been sorta managed for a long while, but it's in her lungs and her spine and basically everywhere and she's gone downhill quite a lot

apparently some of it is something about too much calcium, which they're treating, and that should help a little bit, and dad hasn't told me any more than that, the doctors haven't said like okay this is it now

he's going to visit her tomorrow, and we'll call, and I don't know what I'll say except that I shouldn't cry cs I don't want to upset her

I spoke to my boss this morning about it, so at least he knows

I need to work out changing my shifts about so I can go down there soon, figure out the train strikes

i don't know

i've not really had a relative die like this

well, i have. mum's grandparents died a couple of summers ago, the writer and the engineer, but i'd only met them maybe three times ever, i didn't know them, and i do know my nana

it didn't really sink in yesterday, i don't think, and she's been so ill for so long - she was in remission for a good chunk of my teens, but she's had breast cancer twice and then this whole horrible thing the last few years i'm not even sure - this last year has been so majorly up and down, it doesn't really feel real, if you know what i mean

but it is

and i have to not cry on the phone tomorrow

my grandad is not well either, he has dementia and not quite bedbound, but was ill all last week - but dad said he's doing a bit better this week, they've got him to his chair the last three days in a row, which is good

also, mum says her granny is in hospital too, and my auntie charlotte (who is generally in charge of these sorts of things, despite her leaving the truth - i've no idea how she hasn't had any consequences like everyone else in the family that's left or wobbled in their faith, but then i was never a witness and perhaps the elders are more lenient than they were even 5 years ago. anyway.) my auntie charlotte says that granny is saying she's "had enough". so that'll be soon too.

i've not seen her in a good ten years, and if me or mum visited we'd be upsetting someone or other, it's a shitty situation, but at least she has the rest of the family around her, and me and mum know what's going on

when grandma norah died (granny audrey's mum), in the 90s, my mum didn't even know - she had a friend who happened to work at the nursing home, who when she met up with him one week said 'oh i'm sorry to hear about your nan', and that was the first she'd heard of it - that's how it used to be when you left the truth, and i'd glad it's not the same now - or maybe my family are breaking all sorts of jw rules and someone's going to get in terrible trouble, i don't know

anyway. i don't know. i need to. i don't know what i need to do.

the plan is still that my nan's coming home on wednesday, i think, i don't know any more than that

the train strikes are 1st and 2nd, but maybe i can finangle 3rd-5th off work and go down then, i'd only need to swap my monday for another day

[hournites]

Beth and her parents having that conversation about getting hurt especially linked to Sylvester reminiscing about his sister has me nervous (and excited tbh) for both her and them. Not too nervous because we have bts likely from the finale and they all seem fine. But still nervous that there will be some level of hurt in the Chapel family that is an extension of them now knowing too much and I will be bawling my eyes out because Beth is the fav and I love Bridget & James! strawberry anon!

I 100% agree with you. Someone in the Chapel family is going to get injured or kidnapped.

One, because we got Bridget reacting to Sylvester's actual near-death experience at the hands of superhero-ing, said "wow there are consequences to this, I think I got caught up in the MCU star fandom of it all" (paraphrasing) and then still didn't proceed to apply that advice afterwards until Beth had to tell them to stop.

Two, because we got Rick telling Beth he specifically liked the fact that her parents were involved, and this is also a valid opinion to have! The fact that her parents want to help is actually not bad the way that Sylvester is saying that it is. Sylvester was actually referring to his sister who, uh, MARRIED BRAINWAVE. If anything, that analogy fits the potential problem Courtney might be developing soon. Not Beth's parents wanting to be supportive. Sylvester, who has never had supportive parents, wouldn't be able to say anything legitimately helpful on this. And he is also a hypocrite because he's had Pat his entire life, who has always been his support mechanism, and who continues with Barbara to be risk-cautious adults that help Courtney navigate her life as Stargirl. The problem here isn't having adult figures wanting to be involved, it's managing the methods and manner in which they can be helpful.

Three, there's more bts of Beth in her house and other characters at the Chapel house. There's also a still for Beth at her house next week talking to some unidentifiable figure.

Four, Beth needs to step into her role as Doctor Mid-Nite as a medic. Despite her mother being a doctor, if something were to happen to her or her husband, may be either 1. too hurt or 2. too emotionally compromised to fill in her role as quick-solver physician which would prompt Beth demonstrating exactly why she is the best person for the job. And if it turns out to be Beth that gets hurt, it will very likely be the needed "wow I need to see it to believe it" type situation her parents need to truly understand why Beth said what she did.

Five, because I'm going to throw in the "crazy scenes together" bit which still hasn't happened yet. And might have something to do with this.

[megabunnie]

It took over four months of non stop applying, but my first interview in a decade went really well. It's not much, 3.5 hours a day, four days a week for less than $15/hour, but it's a little bit of cushion, and it works with my schedule for child care. The woman that interviewed me didn't look down on me for spending the last decade and a half doing unpaid labor for other people, which I was happily surprised by.

Things have been so bleak recently. I've been stretching the money as thin as I can and robbing Peter to pay Paul. I've been strategically using my overdraft for over a year now. Between over due medical bills and getting hit with extra expenses, and all the shenanigans with my bank and card, it's been really fucking hard. The ends are getting further and further apart.

I'm hoping to qualify for a medical study to bring a bit more in. If I could figure out how to do it and I thought there was a market for it, I'd sell feet pics and used panties. At this point there isn't a whole lot I'm not willing to at least try to do to dig us out of the current hole we've sunk into. Especially considering it's almost entirely because of MY medical bills.

We're financially responsible people. My spouse has a decent job, $22/hour. We don't buy things that aren't necessary out side the occasional splurge on a treat at the store, and nine times out of ten its for the kids. We don't take big trips. We don't buy the newest trends or electronics. We never have. We plan for months and sometimes years for purchases bigger than $100. We don't buy basically anything new. Not even for the kids. For fucks sake, I plan groceries around the sales and do the math on gas to figure out which stores to go to in what order for the highest efficiency and savings. I haven't bought meat that isn't on discount in over seven years. We dont buy alcohol or cigarettes or weed. Weve never used drugs. We've never been in trouble with the law. Yet here we are. Straining to make ends meet and buried in debt. Because I got sick. I'm still sick. I will always be sick. I can't afford my medication and copays, even though we have the "good" insurance. Going to the doctor literally takes food out of my kids mouths.

I'm not new poor, either. I grew up poor. Pre 2008 we were poor. Like, the only food in the house was from the food bank, electric off, wash your clothes in the tub with dish soap or shampoo, sometimes just water. Stole toilet paper from the gas station. Hid food from my school lunches in my pockets and back pack to save for later. We made it work. We also were eligible for assistance. That's what saved us growing up. I've done this for 30 goddamn years.

Just my spouses income puts us $27 over the income limits for any of it. Twenty. Seven. Dollars. They don't make that much, especially not now that theyve cut the raises to every other year instead of annual. It was usually 10 to 15 cents. It's still 10 to 15 cents.

No snap benefits. We have insurance through spouses work, but the copays and prescription costs are too much. Can't afford to send littlest dude to pre-k because we're over the income cut off. The frustration is real. I just secured childcare so we can have me work - and thats way underpaying the woman doing it, but it helps both families, and even with me working we still can't afford to put him in pre-k. Limited availability hasn't helped me finding a job either. I'm damn lucky to have found this one and it took months and a fucking miracle.

I'm so damn tired. We're gonna make it work.

[alukewarmdefenceofapathy]

SPILLING MY HEART OUT FOR FUNSIES /j

tw/cw: mental health, menstruation and related issues, i dunno, 500 flavours of sad i guess.

i've had period problems ever since i first got mine when i was 10. i would not have a period for two months and then have a 15 day cycle the next month. i've lived with depression for as long as i can remember, even back when i didn't know it had a name. today i either can't sleep for 36 hours or won't wake up for 14 hours straight. i haven't had a period in six months and it's like i can feel the buildup inside me. if my period does start up again i will bleed so much for so long that i'll need transfusions of blood and iron. doctors might give me meds but once the course is done, rinse and fucking repeat. been plagued with crippling lower back pain recently because of course. i don't even think to mention my chronic migraines and other kinds of pain anymore if someone asks. been diagnosed with everything from garden variety depression and anxiety to borderline personality disorder and schizophrenia but nobody will take me seriously when i say i think i might have adhd. gynaecologists and ultrasound techs literally laugh at me when i tell them about my mental health struggles, psychiatrists tell me to "just do it" basically. and sometimes to eat almonds. both tell me that losing weight is the solution. i feel like smashing my head against the wall and using the kitchen knife to give myself a diy hysterectomy is the only thing that might help at this point. i've tried to kill myself 3 times in my life, and i don't know what to do anymore. it's like i'm screaming into a vacuum and the pressure pockets are making my skull cave in, but the process never actually finishes. i was an anthropology major but dropped out almost at the end of my last year because of the crippling and i mean crippling executive dysfunction that stopped me from being able to complete my final thesis. i used to dream of a career in academia. i used to think i would be able to get out from under my parents roof. i used to think my parents weren't bad people. but then again i used to believe i could have a future if i worked hard enough too.

i don't know how i'm supposed to keep doing this. i cannot comprehend for the life of me how i'm supposed to keep going. i'm 26 and have never had sex or a romantic relationship, nor have i ever particularly wanted one. but i also feel so alone. i hover my thumbs over my phone keyboard but no longer want to bother my friends with my predicaments and so no longer press send on those texts anymore. they have lives and jobs and marriages now, i just have a brain that won't shut up. if i tell someone that i think my uterus et al are messing up my mental state even more, that it's a viscous cycle - i can't bring myself to want to live but when i seek help they say the only solution is going to the gym and exercising which is something i am no longer capable of, nobody believes me. i doubt they even hear me at all. but an unmarried woman who hasn't had kids yet and no notable predisposition to cancer wanting a hysterectomy? that's bonkers. genuine question: why did we decide that mental health and physical health are such alien concepts when compared to one another? does the mental stuff not happen in the brain? and is the brain not part of the body?

i feel helpless and sad and pathetic. and then i hate myself for being so adamant about feeling so sorry for myself. and then i feel like a narcissist for having such an abdominable level of self-loathing. and when i remember that trying to kill myself never actually ends in my favour, apparently i spill my guts out to strangers on the internet. to what end, i still haven't figured out. being the perfect child did not spare me from the fate of eventually becoming an utter disappointment, a shameful burden, only fodder for gossip among extended family.

feels like i died somewhere between then and now. where i currently am is the 7 minutes of "your entire life flashing before your eyes" before the brain really dies. except it's dragging on for way too long. my mind is still half awake, imagination gears still churning, dishing out all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens in double time. i am being haunted by my own ghost before i even got the chance to truly take my leave. this feels like a single very long sleep paralysis episode. it must be either that or being in limbo in purgatory. and i can't prove any of those not true. i want it to end. i desperately need it to end, whatever "it" is. because it ain't life. this is not living. i am no longer alive and that is the only thing i know anymore.

[quietwingsinthesky]

HI hi hi ask games guilt & torture and appearance 16 for even :333

What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

Even is soooo guilt avoidant. Even needs things to not be their fault or they'll die. (Which is. A lot of their life really hasn't been in their control, and part of this is that it is genuinely hard for them to tell when a fuck-up is their own or something they literally couldn't have stopped. And then the choice becomes either taking the guilt of all of it or trying not to feel like any of it was their fault.) But the big thing I rotate in my head constantly is that Even voluntarily chose to leave the Doctor to look after Donna & Tentoo &... less so Rose, because Rose can look after herself, but they were supposed to be there with Rose, you know? And the stress of that, the feeling that if the Doctor were there he'd figure out a way to fix things (despite him. not being there. and not fixing anything.), is what pushes them towards going to worse and worse places looking for solutions for the whole metacrisis issue. You know, you start with showing up on Sarah Jane's doorstep looking for help and you end with stealing classified UNIT info and getting involved with an alien healing device and a little bastard of a time lord and then being so paralyzed by the idea that the Doctor will hate you, hate you more than anyone you've ever seen him hate, for helping put this into motion and putting people in danger and putting him in danger that. well. the big old closing wound in time where the other time lords popped off to seems like the better option.

and then even can either live with having chosen all of that. forever. and having abandoned the people they were supposed to stay by and keep safe. forever. (<- guy who could go home with their time machine anytime but can't, because what if they shut the door in their face. and also it would be kind of awkward to drag missy back to the tyler-nobles' for tea.) OR. they can decide along the way and with the master's encouragement, that this is easier to place at the doctor's feet and blame him for it happening.

Has your OC ever been tortured? Would your OC ever torture anyone?

As far as I know, Even has never tortured anyone. There's an argument to be made, considering they're completely onboard with the 'cybermanning the dead' plan, that they were complicit in torture, in a sense. (Though, they would not view it that way. The idea of the cybermen to them is like. a terrifying ideal. They don't have to hurt, ever. They can turn it all off.)

Has Even been tortured? i mean what else is putting up with the doctor & the master's bullshit daily-

Is your character's appearance more telling or deceiving?

I think the most telling part of Even's appearance is how much it shifts to incorporate parts of the people close to them. There are their own quirks that remain steady, like they will always choose darker, more plain colors over brighter/vibrant ones, and if left to their own devices, they'll go for simpler clothes with nicer textures, but they have zero sense of what regular dress should look like and take most of their cues from the people around them. The Doctor is the reason they think sneakers are acceptable formal wear, they spent many a day before time travel shenanigans with Donna playing historical dress-up with her, and particularly, they just sort of. let the Master dress them. (And they keep these with them, of course, but who they're closest with in the moment is who has the greatest influence on how they're clothed.)