#my doctor didnt want to tell me i had depression so she just said i had a serotonin deficency i was sitting there like 👁👄👁

[ganondoodle]

so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-

but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again

(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)

i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)

weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward

but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.

right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)

[saintobio]

HELLOOO FINALLY GOT TO SEND AN ASK!!!

first of allllll…. i think the time momjo sending the child guardian paper (?) that satoru typed out of anger is a hint…. and then satoru telling yn that sachiro called akemi mama… this honestly hurts alot more, imahine carrying your baby for 9 months, taking care of baby sachiro for 3 years alone, all the sleepless nights… and sachiro just ugh u dumbass small brain toddler (literally). anyways, satoru looking at akemi during suguru and shoko’s wedding, his hand rubbing akemi’s stomach at the cabin when she was in pain. honestly this part was akemi faking her pain or…? cuz there was a line that said after satoru asked if she wanted to go home her face didnt show anymore pain ? lololll idk. i dislike (hate) gojokemi but i think theyre gonna be endgame with all these theories coming up oh godddd. and the way yn threw the necklace into the lake, satoru went to search for it but did he manage to find it ? no. but during sn yn (well, suguru) found gojos wedding band. so in sy, yn threw away satoru’s “heart”, and it was never found again, thats a hint (?) bruhhh i hate thissss (i love this so much actually it made me feel so much i love u saint) i also recall the first time satoru and akemi first did it together he said smthg like i could learn to love u ? if i remember correctly. and the morning at the cabin after yn and gojo did it, yn was crying bcs they had a heartfelt talk ? and u mentioned they both felt guilty. the guilt is…. yeah.

BUT ALSO, satoru once said that yn has always been the one, sera when she saw gojo after forever told sukuna that he looks different when hes being with akemi, like hes not being himself? but that was when they first got together so idk about now. him not calling gojokemi exclusive. oh how they were happy and loving when yn got pregnant 🥹 but well it lasted until… yeah. also u said something about gojo gonna be on his knees again, since yn is now depressed and suicidal, i think for her heart disease shes gonna sign a DNR, then satoru on his knees maybe begging the doctors idk gawd idk someone mentioned dnr and i just… 🙂 its not that she wanna leave sachiro either, but i think shes telling herself everything will be better if she dies since sachiro, still very young, doesnt even really remember yn (just why sachiro) and called akemi mama… also why the hell didnt gojo use protection when fucking akemi oh gawd pls hate u satoru if she gets preggo.

anyways, i cant wait for gen to be back. i love u gen and ian.

oooh i also remember that you said there was a scene that inspired the birth of sn/sy, was it in chapter 11 ? or we’re not there yet…

honestly why dont yn just join shoko and suguru and be in a happy poly relationship ever looollll just kidding. my heart hurts, im still all in for gojoyn endgame but it doesnt seem realistic. ive been cursing gojo and akemi ever since the chapter came out loolll gotta give myself credit for being able to do my exams while still thinking bout this. 💀

omg there’s a lot to unfold here idk where to start 😭 but i just wanna say, it’s amazing how you’re so thorough in remembering those details in sn/sy bcos i honesty don’t have enough attention span to do that !!! sdjsj now while i can’t answer everything you mentioned, i can say a few things:

- akemi isn’t faking her pain, she’s truly struggling from it

- gojo doesn’t want kids outside of marriage (or should i say if not with yn), so he’s definitely careful with it.

- yes, it is indeed sy11 that birthed the sequel :’) i had that scene in mind before sn was even finished

[lesbiandarvey]

okay here are my long meandering thoughts about kathy and lewis cus im kind of obsessed with them. toxic lavender marriage 🫶

i think like, they knew of each other before getting together, yknow they ran in the same circles, so they probably met at half a dozen “coming out” parties and dinners and dances hosted by their parents. im not gonna say shes from phoenix (cus that still perplexes me.. like if he picked her to be some wealthy socialite beard, i cant imagine he’d chose a wife from phoenix??) but shes from the same east coast lifestyle he is. he was definitely a leg up for her though, he was old money and she was new upper middle class money like her father was a doctor or a lawyer or something so lewis opened a lot of doors for her socially. and like when they got married he was 23 but she was 25 so i think as a socialite unmarried woman in the 40s, 25 was pretty old like her options were dwindling. i think she had some reputation for being “spoiled goods” its the only way i can imagine lewis would marry this woman like she was engaged before and there were some rumors of her being pregnant (she wasnt but the rumor stuck) and the first time he “fell in love with her” or at least he realized this was someone he could actually spend time with, its the end of some party and he’s drunk he goes outside to get some air and she’s smoking a cigarette on the steps and he says something and she tells him to go fuck himself. and he realizes that shes just like him and shes not some wilting flower she curses with the best of them and calls him on his shit so i think thats what made him think he could be with this woman and obviously its a lavender marriage. hell never love her, im not even sure he likes her all that much but she can be a companion and an easy beard. but i think. i think she didnt know she was singing up to be in a lavender marriage! i think he tricked her with his money and his status and she bought into into it hook line and sinker and i think the biggest problem between the two of them is that she actually fell in love with him. and she thought he loved her. like he said all the right things for the six weeks they courted before getting married, and then the second they got back from their honeymoon (which was just a long weekend while he was on leave) he starts going out all hours of the night with strange men. and then she starts sleeping around with other men to get his attention but it doesn’t work cus he doesnt give a shit who she fucks. hell he even encourages it honestly i think they didnt sleep together at all before they got married and she thought it was because hes such a gentleman and then their wedding night comes around and hes really drunk (well they both are it was a party) but then he keeps having to get drunk to touch her. and then they get pregnant and he immediately stops trying to touch her. and they have some terrible fight where theyre both drunk and the baby’s crying and the nanny upstairs is trying to calm her down and theyre yelling about their lack of sex life and kathy screams at him that “sometimes a woman just wants to be fucked by her husband!” and he smirks and goes “i know right!” and she screams goddammit lewis do you have to be so fucking vulgar! and throws a glass tumblr at the wall by his head and then they dont talk for a week

and like, i think the thing about kathy and lewis is that they’ve both seen the worst in each other. she’s dragged his sorry ass out of his fathers house and made excuses for him at some dinner he got blackout drunk at and hes held her hair back as she pukes in the upstairs bathroom during some party she drank too much at. and they go from that kind of life of parties and clubbing and dinners to him being in the military and raising a child like they couldn’t really become Real Adults together. but also the fact they’ve seen each other at their absolute worst: him in his drunken self hatred, her at her postpardum depression means they know everything about each other. and instead of that knowing creating a relationship of openness and trust instead it means they both know exactly what buttons to push to make the other fucking miserable. and fundamentally i think they have some kind of murder suicide pact in their marriage. like they both think divorce is for pussies and the best place to keep a grudge is under one roof. shell stay married to him just to remind him how much she hates him and how he tricked her into marrying him and how much she resents him for it

[xpiester333x]

Oh in case anyone wondered how my psychiatry appointment went, the appointment had to struggle to get for a year:

She questioned if the previous psychologist's diagnosis was correct, and said "isn't it possible you're just depressed." When I said "well we discussed that too but he seemed to think it was ADHD." She rolled her eyes.

Proceeded to ask me to verify all the ADHD assessment questions again. Asked if these things happened in childhood too. When I said yes, she stared at me side eyed for a long moment then said "uh huh."

Turned to me and said "look. I know you want Ritalin or Adderall or something. I'm sure you know they are a street drug. I'm going to have you drug tested. And also I doubt you'll be able to get it." (I hadn't mentioned medications at all)

She asked if I had considered therapy. I said yes, the psychologist suggested it too. She said she recommended psychology today to find a therapist and then said "you can define your searches there to find someone who matches you better. You can even look for a white doctor instead of coming to me." (She was black, but no mention of race had come up to that point. Idk if she was assuming I wanted a white doctor or saying she didn't want a white patient but either way wtf.)

She ended up telling me to take Strattera instead of Adderall or Ritalin because "then you can skip the drug test". Then she ordered me a drug test anyway (she didnt tell me she ordered it anyway. She snuck it on to the online profile my health care group uses. And I took to be able to say "fuck you". It was negative for everything.)

At the end of the meeting she said "okay I'm going to order your Strattera and we can talk in a month to see how you're doing." I said "okay" and then after a beat of silence she said "that means you go now." I felt super awkward so I got up and turned to her again and she said "leave. and shut the door."

Experience was -1000/10. I got in the car and then started crying because man I was just looking for some assistance and advice to get my brain on some kind of track and that was some of the worst treatment I've gotten as a person, let alone a patient, in my life.

[bridgyrose]

Ruby is told by her doctor she has genetic deppression, and it was inherited from Summer.

(That isnt how depression works, but.... I think this still gets the point across)

“You certainly seem to have depression, Miss Rose,” the therapist said as he looked through his charts. “Do you know if anyone in your family has depression as well?” 

Ruby tapped her foot as she tried to think back, her fingers fumbled with her wristbands that covered cut marks on her wrist. “I… I dont think so. I mean dad had a point when we were younger that he wasnt around much after mom died, but… No.” 

“What about your sister? Or your mother?” 

Ruby shook her head. “Yang doesnt. But mom… I dont know but I dont think so.” 

The therapist nodded and flipped through a few pages on his clipboard. “The type of depression you have is usually hereditary. Not necessarily a surety that you will have it, but makes it more likely. If your father didnt have depression-” 

“I’m not depressed.” Ruby pulled the sleeve of her shirt down to cover her cut marks as she stood up. “I’m here because of my anxiety, nothing else.” 

“Your family is worried about you.” 

“And now you can tell them I’m fine.” 

The therapist sighed and sat his clipboard down. “And your sister made it clear that you havent been yourself lately. You’ve been pulling yourself away from everyone who cares about you, coming back with injuries you cant explain, and I’ve been doing this long enough to know when someone is trying to hide what they’ve been doing to themselves.” 

Ruby looked away and started to make her way to the door, pausing when she took hold of the doorknob. “I want to end our session here.” 

“You still have another forty minutes-” 

“And I want to end our session here.” Ruby opened the door and took a deep breath. “I’ll see you next week, but only if we talk about my anxiety.” 

“Then I’ll see you here next week, same time.” 

Ruby shut the door behind her as she walked out of the therapist’s office, more upset than when she had come in. Every week she looked forward to the appointments she had to help with her anxiety, ready for anything that could help her get over her issues with leading her team. 

“Depression,” Ruby scoffed to herself. “He doesnt know what he’s talking about.” 

She made her way out of the building and walked down the streets of Vale, hands in her pockets as she felt the cool fall breeze across her face. A quiet sigh left her lips as she quietly made her way back to her apartment, her thoughts already starting to spiral again as she started to think about her last mission. She had failed to keep the village she was hired to protect safe, Weiss was missing, she could barely lead her own team… everything had gone so wrong so quick and there wasnt anything she could’ve done.

“You really think you’re still cut out to be a huntress, dont you?” 

Ruby stopped in her tracks as she turned to face Roman. “What do you want? I will arrest you-” 

“No need for the threats, Red,” Roman said as he put his hands in the air, keeping hold of his cane. “I heard about your recent… failure, and wanted to offer my condolences. And maybe something to help take the edge off.” 

“And what makes you think I need anything from you?” 

“Because I’ve been watching you from the shadows, Red. You’re lost, just a shell of yourself, lost a friend that you might never find again. All *I* want to do, is help. After all, you have kept me and Neo around for information.” 

Ruby froze as she watched Roman hand over a small bottle of pills, her hand shaking as she took it from him to look it over. “I dont need pills, I need information. If you cant help me find Weiss-” 

“Red, have I ever let you down?” Roman smirked and leaned against his cane. “I’ll find information on your precious teammate. But until then, use those to dull the pain you feel.” 

Ruby rolled her eyes and pocketed the pills as she walked off, her heart pounding as she thought about Weiss. Breathing started to get harder as she felt her chest tighten, she gripped her right wrist with her left hand, digging her nails into herself as she tried to force her mind away from dwelling on Weiss being tortured by Tyrian. 

Blake put a hand on Ruby’s shoulder and gently squeezed. “Ruby? Everything okay?” 

“I’m fine!” Ruby pulled away from Blake and let go of her own wrist, hiding the blood that dripped down her arm. “I’m… fine. Rough day. What are you doing here? I thought you’d be with Yang.” 

“I was, and then she asked me to come find you.” 

Ruby frowned and rolled her eyes. “I can make it home without her babying me. We’re graduated huntresses and she still treats me like a kid.” 

“You know she cares about you,” Blake said as she moved closer to Ruby, gently taking her hand. “But I’m not here because of her. I was hoping that you would come to dinner with me.” 

“I… I dont know..” 

“You’ve been avoiding us for a week, just one night where we can catch up.” 

“One night.” Ruby sighed and gave a fake smile to Blake. “And then I need to be left alone for a bit.” 

Blake nodded and pulled Ruby close. “One night to relax.”

[borderpolarblog]

EVERYTHING THATS WRONG WITH ME

Dear diary,

Since I have just been just depressed and drawing I decided I will list all the illnesses I have and how they impact me. c: Right now I think I am somewhat stable so I can tell you a lil about this!

Bipolar type 1

Borderline personailty disorder

Migraines with Aura

Hyperhydrosis

Synesthesia

Okay so bascially these aren't in order but I yeah lemme say smth to all of them. First what this does and then a few small thoughts. (All of these are diagnosed)

Bipolar type 1

Bipolar disorder or also called Manic-Depression is an mental illness that, as the name says, includes manic phases and depression.

Depending if you are type 1 or 2 it can differ a bit.

Type 1 means that you have fullblown mania and depression episodes.

I gotta say the first Episode I remember was a depressive one. This one was different then my usual depressive feelings. This was a depressive episode with psychotic features.

"Some people who have severe depression may also experience hallucinations and delusional thinking, the symptoms of psychosis. Depression with psychosis is known as psychotic depression."

These are extremely heavy since psychotic symptoms only occure to very severe episodes so trust me that wasn't fun. I saw creatures and the wall was suffocating me as well as I saw things happening that weren't actually happening.

So I went a little bananas. And that made the doctors think I was actually psychotic which wasn't the truth. You see, if you only expereience like actual hallucinations in a depressive episode it doesn't make you psychotic. I never had these again so I guess i was just really at a low point there.

So anyways. They gave me Quetiapine starting with 25mg to 400mg in the end. And guess what? That cycled me into an Manic episode and didnt help me at all. It just made me numb and unable to pay attention in school.

Later I learned that Quietiapin is also the thing you give Bipolar people against the depression so great shit, that already didnt help me. Now we are thinking of giving me Lithium but I am not sure anymore if i wanna take any meds to be honest. But we'll see.

I first heard a Therapist tell me I should maybe look into that when I just talked to him about my depression. He asked me questions and I found myself answering many of these with "yes" and then he told me, maybe its more then just depression and I should look into that. But god forbid not with him though, he is just the "unipolar" depression expert.

Like what? okay?

But yeah so I got later then Diagnosed with type 1.

Funfact: I was talking to a guy once and he told me "You are the happiest most positive person I have ever met" Which is obviously INSANE considering all my problems. I was in a manic episode there btw.

My Grandpa I never met had apparently a crazy life and was mentally very difficult with having episodes and since Bipolar is also very genetically transmittable it just makes sense.

Its crazy to hear about him by my grandma. She said she loved him and everything but then she tells me about how he cheated on her so many times and then had violent outbursts beating her up and then on the other side he was extremely talented violin player going to the most prestigious music college in the whole country.

Maybe thats why my mother always told me to not play violin although I ALWAYS only wanted to learn this from little to now and then she made me play piano instead..

I wonder if I am anything like him.

Borderline personality disorder

"A person with BPD is highly sensitive to abandonment and being alone, which brings about intense feelings of anger, fear, suicidal thoughts and self-harm, and very impulsive decisions"

So yeah that bad boy. I feel like, just how normally people get this disorder, I got that 100% from severe trauma. The guy who made me sobb, kneeling to the ground begging him with anything I had to not leave me, really did something to me. I sometimes get violent outbursts and when I cant smash something I cut myself, as you know.

When my mom was dying from cancer he was what kept me going. As abusive as he might was he was a hell of a distraction. And then when my mom passed and he kept becoming more cruel I couldnt leave for months. But I managed to, and I am SO FUCKING proud of that.

However that left emotional scars. I feel like I am not loved if I am sexualized and then at the same time if it meant the person I loved would stay with me, I would let him run all over me. I would suck that dick or let him fuck me senseless if that meant he would stay.

So yeah abandonment issues check I guess. I got diagnosed with that before Bipolar. Since bipolar and bpd are similar in some way it was even harder to diagnose both I guess.

I feel like sometimes I get a break from Bipolar but the BPD is always with me. Things I have heard was

"You are the most difficult person i have ever met in my entire life."

"I think your future boyfriend will have to come with tons of patience and will have a hell of a hard time"

"With you its like walking on a field and any time a mine could explode."

And tons of other stuff that stuck with me. I know I am difficult, too emotional and quick to anger and isolate myself easily. Its hard being my friend but the few friends i have i try my best to keep.

Migranes with Aura

Finally something physically huh?

So I got diagnosed with that from a neurologist when I complained about like sometimes i see shooting stars and like this kind of stuff. After many MRT we found my brain to be healthy and so he gave me that diagnosis.

Maybe also because I am a young woman with a lot of stress, since thats sort of the group who has that.

I have a rather rare shaping of that illness however. The headache and that you feel like vomitting rarely occur, and that I see things popping up in my view happens pretty often. It gets triggered by light, heat and stress.

I can identify a lot with that since I always know I have to gather distance from others when I start seeing these shooting star looking like things. I need to be in bed and put all light off and just lay there. (Which everyone has with this illness, so I dont feel too weird when I often lay in bed in a darkened room lol)

Hyperhydrosis

This is a rare illness with 1-2% of people have it. It basically makes you just sweat harder then normal people.

This not-so-bad sounding illness is actually really annoying to me. I am a girl as you can maybe tell and I have to put deodarant on myself like 15 times a day and STILL smell like I ran an marathon. I try the hardest I can to not stink, trust me, but i can shower everyday and use a lot of deodarant and still smell not so nice.

Since people dont really know about this illness nobody really cares and just thinks I dont take proper care of my hygiene. Which is very annoying but i chose to not mind that too much thought, I know the truth so whatever.

I sweat heavy on my armpits, my hands and my chest. I use a big amount of perfum and deo to make it okay. And sometimes it works better then other times.

Anxiety is also causing me to sweat even more.

Sidenote: Once a cute attractive looking guy sat next to me, and I sweated so fucking hard my hands were wet and I felt like I smelled horrible. I bet with you he noticed and he never sat next to me again BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? I GOT NERVOUS

So yeah thats it with that one. Maybe you find this funny and it kind of is a bit but still something that bothers me haha

Synesthesia

The last one! This one I got diagnosed a few years ago and it made a lot of sense. 4% of people world wide have it and it different for everyone.

You maybe have heard of people thinking of specific colors when they see numbers as an example.

Well, for me its that if I feel an emotion REALLY heavily I sometimes see colors and shapes.

This is clearly to distinguish from the hallucinations of psychotic symptoms and the aura from the migraines.

The hallucinations from psychotic episodes: I actually believe these are real and these arent shapes or colors, actual things are happening and I believe they are real without question.

Aura from the Migraine: These happen randomly with the only cause being bright light and maybe stress.

The Synethesia things I see are either when I am VERY happy or exhausted or sad.

As an example: I worked in the kitchen of a resturant once and got scolded about not working properly and I felt embarassed and ashamed I did a bad job, while she was talking to me I saw right next to her two dark blue circles spinning in a helix form up. I knew it wasnt actually happening but I saw it when I felt that way.

Or when I was really happy such as I exercised a lot or YES I know that sounds like I totally lost it when I had an EXTREMELY good orgasm. I saw colorful stripes in rainbow colored confetti moving around my view.

So yeah I have all these things and I got checked thrououghly if a tumor or a infection or any of these things on my brain or body caused them. Even stuff that maybe people would have seemed as unlikely like a cerebrospinal fluid examination, but they wanted to make sure by all the crazy stuff I saw I didnt secretly had a tumor.

CONCLUSION

I am at a point now where I think I know whats up and can differenciate a lot in my daily life why I am feeling or acting the way I am.

I believe it took so long because I am such a complicated case. All the different doctors and therapists told me I am a difficult case but we will figure it out eventually. And after a few years we did! c:

I maybe seem a bit crazy to you if you read all this but always remember do not judge anyone, since you would have never expected me to have all these issues when you would see me on the street.

be kind, spread love and I will see you soon! xoxo mwa mwa

[harbingrs]

Oh the point was meant to be: that's exactly what my mother is like. that's what her deal is.

she's explicitly confirmed to me that I didn't give her enough validation as a literal newborn infant. and she's been punishing me ever since for that. like I'm sorry that becoming a mother didn't feel the way you wanted it to. I'm sorry that popping out a baby didn't immediately fill the void in your soul. you were still the same person but with a baby. sorry. but you get that I didn't, like.... do that, yeah? they didn't give me a clear job description when I exited the womb.

it's some kind of something that my whole life I didn't know what I'd /done/. like your mom just hates you and you don't know why. idk why she wasn't like that with her other two kids but maybe she had more realistic expectations after the first one. or they just did a better job. I think it was actually worse 'cause they had to make up for my failure.

like.... it's definitely true that my two younger siblings were (and are) more Needy. and that's what she wanted. she'd tell everyone who'd listen about how Independent I was with little lighthearted stories that I didn't realise the significance of until later. I knew it wasn't a compliment coming from her but I didn't understand how much and how deeply she resented it.

but i didn't understand that as a kid. I didn't understand what she hated me for or what I was doing wrong. so it ended up being easier to actually do things wrong so at least I'd feel more like I deserved it. so she could hate me for reasons I understood.

and the fucked up thing is that I'll never know whether it started with her or me. as far back as I can rememeber I was independent and fearless and didn't need anything from anyone. the thought of turning to a parent (or anyone at all) for comfort and safety and solace never would've crossed my mind.

on my second day of school ever I said 'it's okay mom I know where my class is and i can walk there on my own'. i know now how much that affected her because she still tells that story, how I've 'always been so independent' and thats gotta be one of many moments she's never forgiven me for.

but i never would've thought of it beyond what's practical. I don't need someone to walk me to my classroom if I know where it is. why would I want my mom with me? why would I feel safer when she's with me? I'm safer when I'm alone. even if i felt scared I have nothing to gain from turning to her and that's /if/ I felt scared because I don't think I can even feel that.

and it's like. what the fuck happened to me. the earliest I can remember I was already like that. was I born that way and it made her hate me and punish me? or did she just punish me because she didn't feel the way she wanted to feel as a mother?

because it's like i didn't bond with her the way I should and I don't know if it was my fault. like later in my childhood they were doing 'reactive attachment disorder' stuff but also i was never told about any of that and I wasn't properly diagnosed with it, probably on one criteria - that I hadnt experienced abuse or trauma so it 'didnt make sense'. if a doctor had tried to suggest i seemed traumatised i know she would never take me to that doctor again. I know she shopped around to find the ones who would say I was a Bad Kid. and would treat me like it

but i don't know what happened. if she had impossible selfish expectations of how motherhood was meant to feel. she created a human for herself, to give her love and validation and worship. and most of all to need her and be grateful.

I don't know if she had some kind of postpartum depression. or just had a warped idea of what motherhood would be like and what kind of validation a literal baby can give. or if there was never anything wrong with me and this is all in her warped perception. or if it's somewhere in between.

i don't know if i really 'rejected her as an infant' or not. I didn't want to be held or comforted enough. it wasn't what she wanted. I know i was born super early in a way that was like... medically fragile so I wasn't even a typical baby. maybe it hurt me to be held and touched like she wanted. maybe I just didn't like it.

I don't know how much was her reacting to a way I inherently was and have always been, and and how much was her punishing me and I changed to survive. whether I always rejected love and comfort from her or whether I didn't seek it because it wasn't safe.

I hate that I'll never know the truth. but she confirmed she's always held it against me. she's confirmed that despite being an 'empath' she doesn't empathise with me specifically. I never understood why she always insisted I'm evil/demonic/don't have emotions but it's because she feels nothing for me. and if she's an empath then the problem is me.

like... the changeling child myth hits a little too close to home because that's how I was always treated. like an evil demon that's taken the place of her child to hurt and punish her. except unfortunately she knows that I am her real biological child but somehow - spiritually - I was born bad and came into this world to hurt and punish her for no reasons other than that I am evil and cruel at heart. and I didn't remember these things being said to me until literally right now.

[ringomess]

tw / trauma dump, self harm, suicidal thoughts

but i suddenly remembered the day i had my first anxiety attack. i was on my way to class and to reach the building you have to go thru a very steep and long street. i think i was late so i was running, and when i arrived to the gate i was obviously exhausted and hyperventilating. but in that moment i wasn’t thinking that it was because i was running and thought that there was something wrong with me, and started to feel my heartbeat really really strong and fast in my chest, and my blood heating thru my body and i thought i was going to die.

i was also really stressed because i was being late to class and while i felt i had no air i was still thinking if i didn’t go to class in that moment, the teacher wouldn’t let me enter to the classroom and i would have to wait until the next period. because i felt so sick i decided i was going to skip the period and waited outside the school, and after that i slowly started to calm down.

still noticing my heartbeat really fast, and now feeling really cold, i pulled out my phone and googled anxiety attacks symptoms (if you didnt notice yet, i was a bit of a hypochondriac at those times), because i’ve had friends that talked to me about it and heard people, but never experienced one. i guessed i was having and anxiety attack but couldn’t confirm it because it was my first, so i called my mother, who was working.

i don’t remember the conversation, i know i told her “i think i’m having an anxiety attack” and that i didn’t know what to do. and she basically told me to go to class. to calm down and go to class. i felt so bad because i felt like i was about to die and my mom didn’t care? she just wanted me to go to class? and now i look back and this is another proof of how neglected i was as a teenager.

i’m very lucky i was able to access cheap therapy and now i’m healed. but my parents neglected my mental health a lot.

when i was 11/12 i was self harming and i told my mom in summer because i was going to a summer camp and i was scared of her finding out because of someone else. i stopped doing it by that time, but she was worried sick about me and i basically swore to never do it again. but did she take me to a professional? no. she took me to our neighbor who is a school counselor and ofc i didn’t want to talk about that with my neighbor, because it was too personal and also shameful. so i just said i was not going to do it ever again and we talked about my problems in school (undiagnosed adhd…). for like 3 or 4 sessions. and i never went again to talk to her.

really? your 12 years old kid is self harming and you don’t even think of taking her to a doctor? she also suspected i had eating problems but i denied it (i did have). and then 4 years later, that same kid is calling you on the phone because she has an anxiety attack and you tell her to calm down and go to class? you are not scared that her mental health is at risk again when she has that historial???

of course going to class was the right thing. i was supported by my friends there and distracted and eventually forgot about the anxiety. but hearing from her more worrisome, maybe ask me if i needed her, or what could she do, would have made me feel a lot better.

and guess what? after that i developed an anxiety disorder and fell into depression. i self harmed again. and did my parents notice? not at all. i was scared of being suicidal again and i knew i was getting really close to it, so i asked my parents to take me to therapy (it took a LOT of courage to do it). guess what??? instead of saying yes, my mom demanded me explanations of why i wanted to go. i told her it was too personal and i didn’t want to discuss it with her. she then said that first she was gonna take me to the doctor and if the doctor said i needed therapy then she would take me. she didn’t trust me! i had to endure my mom not believing i was sick while i was fighting for my life at the same fucking time. eventually the doctor sent me to the psychologist and also nagged my mom for not listening to me, specially because a big part of my depression came from dealing with school as a undiagnosed adhd and i talked about this with my parents a lot and i told the doctor that i was having super bad time in school and he was like “your child’s wellbeing is the priority, not school!”. i’m really grateful for that doctor.

they could have lost me so many times. i was suicidal a lot of times thru my teen years. even today i wonder how did i have the strength to keep going and pick myself up because i had no one that knew i was depressed. i am so lucky that i didn’t completely loose the hope, and i’m so glad today because i’m healed and happy and love living. but it’s not thanks to my parents that i’m alive today. it’s not thanks to no one but myself.

[allie-ggggay]

drops big ol hc list

chan takes birth control ( cuz of david.. side eying david), iron pills n anti depressants, she diesnt admit to being emo she tells ppl she takes it for shits n giggles (shes been given it by a professional doctor) OR tracy's like "ay want some drugs" n chans like free drugs hell yeah?? but its secretly anti depressants

vros got the worse insomnia and internalized homophobia so she'll just lay there at night being like "girls cant love girls girls cant love girls girls cant love girls GIRLS CANT LOVE GIRLS"

she havs hypersexuality cuz of david, kurt n ram cuz yeah theyre gross

she picks every scab she had, but she tries not to pick any on her face, hands or neck cuz she doesnt want them to be out there and stuff

she has so many freckles, most are on her face, chest and legs but a few more are on the rest of her body

she has stretch marks and absolutely HATES them but its ok riley im joy

shes not an elegant cryer she SOBS and her nose RUNS and her eyes get all red and PUFFY

she hates getting her hair touched and messed up, mac, roni n duke have to get permission from her, if they dont they get a hand to the cheek

she hates being alone sm if shes alone you just know she's calling one of the heathers

if she gets tired of walking she'll ask mac for a piggy back ride

when chan gets hurt that girl SHREIKS, like if she stubs her toe all ur gonna hear is "……aaAAAAAAAA-"

bros got religious trauma n stuff cuz her parents r religious asf n homophobic n like, say 'gay ppl r sinners' n shes like 'wait.. am i a sinner?' n cries

chan rlly struggled making friends as a kid because she thought no one would like her since her parents never came to events or really were ever seen by her peers and how she was still trying to mask her adhd but being a kid, she struggled with that stuff n only got popular when being mature was cool and she could mask better

chans rlly clingy with the heathers (a lot more if she dates any of them or ronnie) cuz her parents didnt rlly lile, give her hugs so she gotta get lots to fill in for the ones she didnt get as a child

tw sh/suicide implied ghost heather followed veronica everywhere, when she found out what happened to mcnamara, she cried to veronica the whole afternoon, sure they couldnt touch but heather floated right above veronica for comfort, she was upset with duke but she missed both of them

tw sorta parent neglect her parents never paid attention because they wanted a boy, not a girl, if it was a boy theyd show average yet minimal love but being a girl, she got the bare minimum, she felt unloved and like she wasnt good enough, she thought of being a boy to make them happy but they were transphobic and later on she found out she liked girls in a gay way so

tw sa mention she gets a couple bruises from david sometimes, but once she got a full on scar from him, her puffy curly hair hides it but she has a scar on the back of her head from him being a tad too rough

tw sa/r@p3 when chan was 14 she met david at that years prom, he was 17 and for her she was like "ok i think hes my age and dad wants me to have a bf so i should try" even tho she was crushing on a girl, he took her home and got her drunk to sa her but he like, said he was allowed to? and shes sorta gone back to drinking after to cope and stuff also she struggles taking and accepting compliments esp on things david would say things like (tw implied sa) "your hair is so sexy to pull" or "such pretty lips, taking me so well" she'd think someone complimenting those things would mean they were thinking the same he was and planned on doing the same, some ppl have exceptions like heather n heather

tw's over, she hides it a lot but she's slightly chubby but always wears something tight to conceal is, she rlly doesnt like her body but she forces herself to get over it anyway because people would get upset if the demon queen herself was insecure shes a TERRIBLE cook, she burns almost anything she makes somehow dont ask how she just does, something she likes doing is cooking but she jst cant without burning the whole kitchen down chan HATES her grandma cuz shes one of those rlly old christian asf people that nag and nag and whenever you go over shes extremely touchy, chans very picky on who she allows to touch her and her grandma is NOT pne of those people, if shes forced to go she just plays with her nans cat she acts all tough but she has really bad sensory issues (massive projection but shhhhh) the happy ending, david broke up with heather when she turned 18 because hes a creep like that and she finally decides to go to therapy after it all, she realizes she was hella groomed but shes still so scared of him and keeps his identity secret, she finally sees shes allowed to be gay and comes out to her friends only she squeaks/whines slightly when she stretches you cant convince me otherwise once after a party (n david touched her) she didnt bring her car so she walked to dukes house and threw up on her carpet, dukes mum was awake and helped take care of her just so she could go back to bed, chan had a killer hangover in the morning and cuddled with duke all day shes really bad at spelling like REALLY bad gets either C- or D- on her spelling/vocab tests she naturally has really soft skin/hands n loves holding heather and heathers hands and being complimented on it, but a massive downside is she bruises super easily, sometimes she'll wake up with random bruises and have no idea where they came from this ones just a random au but i think its really silly, chandler survived because they actually called 911 in time and they saved her, she is forced to go mute due to the drain cleaner damaging her vocal cords to no repair, shes now forced into therapy and gets the rest of the school year off to recover, she has a few bandages and plasters from falling through the glass table, some not needing to last long but a few turning into scars, she has constant throat pain and veronica feels really guilty, she tries making it up to her but chandler cant ever bring herself to forgive or talk to her, she SO wouldve snitched but jd threatened mac n dukes safety for her to stay quiet, shes struggling to cope n wishes she just did die so she didnt have this pain continuing on the earlier insomnia hc, if she can actually get herself to sleep she can get rlly bad nightmares and have no idea where they came from (AHEM PROJECTION AHEM AHEM) n some nights she'll call one of the heathers crying at like 2am and be like "heather i had a bad dream :(((" I HAVE SM MORE BUT I DONT WANNA MAKE U READ TOO MUCH

HAPPY LESBIAN COMING OUT DAY!! @heathermcnamara1989 @therealheatherc @ask-veronica-sawyerr @norwegian-in-the-boiler-room @ask-the-younger-sawyer @thx-tiniest-lifeb0at @unnamed-freshmen-official @westerbergs-therapist @heatherdukesblazer @stonxr-chick

EVERYONE SAY CONGRATULATIONS TO HEATHER CHANDLER FOR BEING A HUGE LESBIAN!

Drop by my house too we have cake and decorations and we’ll be crashing a remington party if Heather Chandler doesn’t come

[keychaindyke]

it’s the serotonin deficency for me

[ckiine]

Their secret (#Dove in the bedroom 1)

A/N - Hello everyone. Please read the previous post to understand the title. It has potential for follow up chapters. Please let me know if you guys want a follow up!

Why does this keep happening to us Shinichi?

Ran pondered. She was leaning by the window sill. It was way past midnight but she couldn't fall sleep. Her eyes were moist and full of tears.

Why are you so mean to me? You liar.....

The more she though of him the more upset she was becoming.

It's not good for me to feel depressed like this, I should go to the park for some fresh air tomorrow.

Ran wiped off her remaining tears and gulped some water and went to bed. It felt cold and desolate.

He is not here to warm me up.

Ran sighed hopelessly feeling her resolve crumble within minutes, a few tears slipped from her eyes but she managed to fall asleep. It was not very restful and she kept waking every hour or so but in the early morning hours sleep had completely overtaken her and she had finally dozed away till noon.

Ran woke up to a grumbling stomach, completely disoriented, sluggish and slightly feverish.

I really need to eat something. It has been a quite a while since I last ate.

She trudged to the kitchen and whipped up some omelettes for herself.

Currently after a huge fight with Shinichi, she was staying at the now semi-vacant home, her mother's residence.

After Shinichi and Ran had gotten married, her parents had taken a rather mature decision, it was to get back together and surprisingly, irrespective of their stubbornness the two were living quite well and even managed to work on cases as well. But not surprisingly, they would still get into fights and sometimes Eri would come back to her old apartment to 'cool off and mentally rejuvenate herself. '

Currently it was Ran who needed it. After her fight with Shinichi, she was the one who needed space. It had been three days since she came here, but she just couldn't seem to control her feelings this time around.

I also need to go to the doctor.

She looked at the watch and it was quarter to one.

I should book the appointment for 2:30 I guess.

******

Ran wrapped herself in her woolens and went to the Beika hospital. It was a cold and windy November. The roads were quite clear as the lunch hour was mostly over. On her way to the clinic she thought about her fight with Shinichi, going over it for the nth time now.

"Why didnt you tell me?!" Ran asked anxiously.

"It really was not much to tell, honestly, I swear, it happened only two or three times." Shinichi tried to talk in a placating tone.

"Two to three times?!? Ran wanted to yell at him but she could only manage a whisper as she paled considerably at his statement and her feet wobbled under her. Shinichi cringed and rushed towards her.

He gently held her and made her sit on the couch and kneeled in front of her so that they were on eye level. Ran had lost all her strength.

"You promised me! You promised me that you will tell me. Why would you hide something like this?!" Ran broke into tears and softly pounded on his chest.

"I was going to tell you, but I also first needed to understand the situation myself, that's why I didnt say anything." Shinichi said slowly, wiping away her tears, his own face a little somber, serious but most of all sincere.

"Why can't I bring myself to believe you?" Ran asked him sadly.

"You will tell me, but only when it is done and over with." Shinichi flinched at her statement, but couldn't argue back.

"Kudo Shinichi, my darling husband, one day might have randomly died, leaving me a widow and I may be the last one to find out." Ran's eyes were blank and glassy still free flowing with tears.

Shinichi's face completely reflected his heartbreak but his body couldn't even move under her grief-stricken gaze.

"I am tired Shinichi." She spoke softly. Ran felt a little dizzy but she went in the bedroom and tried to fall asleep. Shinichi kept kneeling at his place for a while but eventually went back to the bedroom. He looked at her sleeping form, her eyebrows were furrowed and she looked even more pale.

Shinichi bit his lips in distress and his face was shadowed but eventually got in the covers.

I missed you Ran. I wanted to come home to you as soon as possible. But why is it that I make you cry so much when the only thing I want is to see you smile brightly?

He pulled her in an embrace, their warmth mingled and Ran's expression eased up well. Shinichi gently kissed her forehead and they both went off to sleep. Shinichi had woken up late the next morning to an empty bed and an empty home. But the most painful was his terribly lonely heart and he himself was to blame for that.

She had been desperately waiting for him to come back. Shinichi had been called to investigate a case in Sapporo. He was gone for two weeks and in that two weeks Ran had been delighted to find out that she expecting a little guest. She was overcome with joy but held back on telling him on the phone. She wanted to see, the look on his face, she wanted to throw her arms around him and sink into his warmth. Share a gentle and a tender kiss on this newfound knowledge of their upcoming parenthood. She couldn't wait for him to come back.

But it didn't go that way, because she found another thing Shinichi had hidden from her.

The drugs (the poison and the antidote) that he had ingested, sometimes wrecked havoc in his body. Shinichi had randomly started to suffer from phantoms pains, severe fever, muscle spasms and shivers. He would also have dizzy spells and breathlessness. He had discussed it with Ai-chan who had sent a primary investigation report. It was only by chance that Ran came to know about it.

She was stunned and horrified to read the report especially when it listed the possibility of paralysis and necrosis and even death if the cause and symptoms are not dealt with. She had been unable to breath after reading the report, the crippling pain in her chest had completely paralyzed her in fear.

To top it all off when she had confronted him about it, he tried to show nonchalance over the entire thing and tried to brush it under the carpet. Somehow she was so exhausted and tired that this time around she went away from him. Shinichi needless to say had found her in half a day and pleaded her to come home but this time she needed time. She had understood his reasons the last time but she was not ready ready to forgive him this time or maybe because she was too high on her pregnancy hormones. Shinichi settled on giving her some space.

It had been three days since then and he still didn't know about the pregnancy. Ran reached the clinic. It was full of women in their various stages of pregnancies. With a pang she noted that most of them were accompanied by their spouses. Ran sat down in the corner waiting for her turn. When it was her turn to go in a woman screamed. All the patients got worried and the attendant came running. They moved her to the emergency section and proceeded with the emergency procedures to stabilize the woman and the baby. It was close to 3:15 when it was Ran's turn thankfully she had packed some snacks with her so she was not hungry.

She went inside the cabin, "Good afternoon Ayako-sensei." Ran spoke politely.

"Afternoon. Sorry about the previous patient, she has a complicated pregnancy so we are being very cautious with her."

"Oh not at all. It was an emergency. I understand."

"So how have you been feeling?"

*******

After her consultations Ran was a mix of elation and misery. She was very extremely happy but she had to talk to Shinichi and sort this out. She went to a nearby café and warmed up with hot chocolate. With chaotic thoughts coming to her mind she eventually settled with having a proper chat with him. Ran affectionately rubbed her belly thinking of him.

He is such a reckless idiot but I know more than anyone else how much he loves me. Little baby, papa is going to be very happy. I cant wait for all of us to be together again.

She got up and decided on a light stroll in the park near her home and then go back. Due to winters it had gotten dark already though the park was well lit, it was quite and empty. Ran felt a sudden chill down her spine and decided to leave. As she turned towards the exit, she heard footsteps behind her. Ran's instincts kicked in telling her that it was not a 'friend'.

"Hand over you cash missy." Came a gruff voice behind her. It has strongly smelling of alcohol but Ran was frozen because even under her thick coats she clearly felt the sharp edge of the knife digging in her back.

"Ran-san. last time you told me that your husband had taken some very strong unprescribed drugs and we dont know how that has affected his reproductive health."

"Women need to be careful in the first three months of pregnancy but I advise you to take extra caution. Try to be as carful as possible with your movements."

Ran remembered Dr. Ayako's words and stilled. But even before that a motherly instinct had ferociously overtaken her.

I must protect the baby.

"Take whatever you want, but please let me go." Ran spoke with a tremor in her voice.

The man behind me is drunk but aggressive if I do something suspicious he might get violent and randomly attack me.

"Turn around slowly with you hands up in the air." He ordered.

Ran complied and turned to face him. The knife was now digging at her throat and she felt a faint pain, most likely her skin was cut.

"Hand over your phone and the wallet."

Ran complied and handed it over. The phone looked nice and expensive but the robber wanted to check for the cash but for some reason he felt threatened by the woman in front of him.

She was somehow looking afraid and fearless at the same time.

Tch. I better take care of her, she looks like bad news for some reason.

He pocketed her phone and the wallet and glared at the woman in front of him. He felt his pride hurt that the young missy in front of him was keeping eye contact and had not broken down in tears

"Please let me go now."

His glare intensified and Ran flinched when she felt his intension. On instinct she moved back and to the side but the knife ended up slashing her on her upper arm but the man didn't stop there. In a frenzied state he kept attacking Ran. Ran kept one hand on her, protectively on her belly and the with a her other hand kept blocking him with her outside block. The parries continued for a while but now the robber had his vicious gleam on her stomach. Ran felt the danger and before she could think she curled protectively and desperately called out to him.

SHINICHIIII!!!!!

The knife missed her by a hair's breath and Ran took a tumble to the ground where she lay breathing heavily and now shaking in fear. The robber was about to stab her again but suddenly sensed some movement in the bushes and fled. Ran was lying on the ground and took deep breaths to calm herself but it was not working very well.

I need him. I need to talk to him. Shinichi, I really want to see you.

Somehow that thought pushed her and she got up. Her arms and legs felt like jelly and she was trembling all over. Ran took a moment to calm herself and decided to hurry up. If the robber decides to come back and attack again or is waiting for another opportunity to attack her then it wont end well this time.

Pale faced and trembling Ran somehow made it out of the park and managed to reach a convenience store.

"I was attacked, may I please use your phone to call the police?"

"Oh dear of course." It was a middle aged lady in there and when saw Ran she rushed towards her and guided her to sit down and brought a phone.

Ran knew she was supposed to call the police she even knew the number and a lot of police officers too but the one she dialed was someone else, a number she knew by heart.

She heard the ring and she felt her heart throbbing painfully.

"Hello?"

She heard his voice, it sounded slow, cautious and guarded. This was Shinichi's private number and a very few select of people had this number. So a call from an unknown number made him wary.

Ran couldn't speak, her throat was burning and her eyes were glassy. Ran felt that not talking to him and putting distance was definitely more of a punishment to her.

"Hello?" He called again this a time a little louder.

"Shinichi~" Ran called out in a small voice.

"Ran?!?"

"How? Where are you? Which number is this? Are you alright? Is something the matter? Do you know I have calling you, why are you not picking up your phone?"

She heard the worry, the anxiety and the desperation in his voice and her heart ached to be near him.

"Shinichi, I-I-I was robbed in the nearby park and-"

"You were robbed?!?" He nearly yelled. Ideally that should have surprised him because Ran was strong enough to fight off against even armed gang members but his mind always went haywire when Ran was involved.

"Where are you right now? Are you safe? Are you hurt? Is someone with you? I am coming right away."

Ran reassured him, mentioned the address and waited for him. The lady chatted with Ran for a while trying to ease her nerves and gave her a first aid to the slash on her arm. Thankfully it was not very deep due to her thick layers of sweater and a coat.

Little baby, papa is coming. He is going to be here soon and you and I will be safe and warm again.

Shinichi arrived in 15 minutes of the call. God knows how he drove but he came huffing and puffing. Shinichi looked pale and haggard. He rushed towards her and engulfed her in a tight hug, Ran finally breathed in a sigh of relief as well.

"Let's go to the doctor." He declared.

"No let's go home. Please." She spoke softly.

"Of course, Ran. Let's go." Shinichi hugged her tightly again.

Shinichi kept his detective side in check on their way back. and quickly drove home. It was cozy in the car and filled with his familiar scent and before she knew it, Ran had dozed off.

Shinichi was restless the entire day today for some reason. His stomach had been churning ominously as if something bad was gonna happen. He kept pacing in the house because he wanted give Ran some time to think but resisting the urge to bring her back home. But half an hour his anxiety got even worse and then suddenly he felt Ran calling out to him. It was such a desperate plea that he nearly lost it and called her continuously but no one answered making him even more worried. When he heard her small voice on the phone, he couldn't stop himself from trembling in fear.

Now his beloved was dozing off in the car seat next to him. He finally breathed a sigh of relief.

*******

Ran woke up to swaying motion. She opened her eyes to see the side profile of her handsome husband and a sleepy warm smile graced her face. Shinichi gently lay her down in the bed, he sat down next to her and gently caressed her face.

"Ran, I, you-you can be mad at me, ok? You have all the right to be mad at me but please don't go. Stay here. If you don't want to see me then I wont come in front of you but please don't go somewhere else." Shinichi mumbled softly.

"I didn't hide it from you on purpose. I-I just, you get so worried for me and I just end up worrying you even more. I don't want that. Seeing you in pain is just..."

Shinichi stopped talking, unable to finish the sentence, even the thought of it terrified him. His eyes shown a rare vulnerability. It was an expression which he showed only to her.

Ran sat up on the bed and pulled him in a hug which he immediately returned.

"You are such an idiot." Ran mumbled softly. They pulled apart a little and shared a tender kiss. They rested their foreheads against each other, feeling peaceful and content.

"You will be okay, wont you?" Ran asked with a whimper. Shinichi cupped her face with his hands and rubbed his fingers soothingly on her cheeks.

"I promise. I dont know what might happen but I will never ever leave you. I made a promise to you didnt I? Even if I die, I will come back, no matter what." His eyes were shining with utmost sincerity and assurance. Ran didn't look away from him. She placed her hand on top of his brought it to her lips. She kissed the inside of his palms, brought his hand down and placed his hand with hers on her chest over her heart.

"Ok. I believe you." She smiled at him which he returned.

"One more thing-" She added. and rested his hand on her stomach. Now is the time. "-make a promise here as well."

For a detective, it took a while for him click but the moment it did Shinichi burst in incredulous joy and swirled Ran in a exuberant hug making her laugh brightly. His happiness knew no bounds and in this rare moment Shinichi was the one with tears in his eyes while Ran merrily smiled away.

[cozy-comfy-cuteness]

So... I fucked up

I went to the doctors and he said i likely had lupus. i got blood work done and he was sure about it. i asked to be referred out to a rheumologist, for a second opinion before doctor #1 didn't think I needed medication.

she... didnt think i had lupus. she ran her own tests and came back and said it wasnt lupus. that it would probably never be lupus. to stop worrying about it, when people have lupus, they will know.

it doesnt matter that damn near every afab and some amab people on my mom's side has lupus. she said i had a positive ana because of the autoimmune diseaes that run in the family and losing weight would help the inflammation and cardiac risk (which was very very high).

so... i started tracking again. it lasted a week and a half. it only took that long before i was panicking about what to eat, crying in the car while eating lunch. it made me feel fucking terrible. i let the fatphobia in the medical field almost cause me to relapse. hell, it might even be considered a relapse. i dunno. but i know better.

and when i was looking up the causes of inflammation in the body, weight can have some relation to it, but you know else does? depression, anxiety, trauma, ptsd, and other shit like that. things that i have had since i was 8 years old. and tracking my calories is going to cause me way more stress and mental health issues than it would help with whatever i wanted to change.

so i will focus on health promoting habits, which i already knew is better. eating more fruit and veggies, is good. getting more movement, is good. getting more and better sleep, is good. managing my stress, is good. tracking my calories and freaking out and rocking back and forth because i ate something i "shouldnt have" is NOT going to help my wellbeing. at all.

I am happy i have a good therapist and an amazing husband that i can talk about all this stuff with. i was sending him the food log at the end of the day to prevent myself from restricting. i just wanted to track where i was at and what changed i could make. 2 days ago i told him that i had cake and i felt horrible. we got cake because at work we won an award and they got cake for everyone. my husband asked if it was that the cake didnt make me feel good, or if eddy was trying to fuck shit up lol. i told him i didnt know but i didnt think tracking was helping. he was understanding but also was worried it was my ed trying to be lke "oh dont track, just dont eat." next day i told him now i was feeling during lunch and he agreed it isnt best for me and i needed all the snuggles and cuddles and wanted to make me feel better.

he is amazing. he doesnt know anything about tracking and it was me who wanted to share it with him to make sure that i wasnt relapsing. it honeslty helped. part of the ed is hiding and lying about shit, so when my ed wants me to hide stuff, i tend to tell my husband because i know its the first step to a relapse.

i am not back at square one, but i am working on getting back to feeling more like myself.

fuck medical fatphobia.

[allie-ggggay]

ones i can remember off the top of my head

chan takes birth control ( cuz of david.. side eying david), iron pills n anti depressants, she diesnt admit to being emo she tells ppl she takes it for shits n giggles (shes been given it by a professional doctor) OR tracy's like "ay want some drugs" n chans like free drugs hell yeah?? but its secretly anti depressants

vros got the worse insomnia and internalized homophobia so she'll just lay there at night being like "girls cant love girls girls cant love girls girls cant love girls GIRLS CANT LOVE GIRLS"

she havs hypersexuality cuz of david, kurt n ram cuz yeah theyre gross

she picks every scab she had, but she tries not to pick any on her face, hands or neck cuz she doesnt want them to be out there and stuff

she has so many freckles, most are on her face, chest and legs but a few more are on the rest of her body

she has stretch marks and absolutely HATES them but its ok riley im joy

shes not an elegant cryer she SOBS and her nose RUNS and her eyes get all red and PUFFY

she hates getting her hair touched and messed up, mac, roni n duke have to get permission from her, if they dont they get a hand to the cheek

she hates being alone sm if shes alone you just know she's calling one of the heathers

if she gets tired of walking she'll ask mac for a piggy back ride

when chan gets hurt that girl SHREIKS, like if she stubs her toe all ur gonna hear is "……aaAAAAAAAA-"

bros got religious trauma n stuff cuz her parents r religious asf n homophobic n like, say 'gay ppl r sinners' n shes like 'wait.. am i a sinner?' n cries

chan rlly struggled making friends as a kid because she thought no one would like her since her parents never came to events or really were ever seen by her peers and how she was still trying to mask her adhd but being a kid, she struggled with that stuff n only got popular when being mature was cool and she could mask better

chans rlly clingy with the heathers (a lot more if she dates any of them or ronnie) cuz her parents didnt rlly lile, give her hugs so she gotta get lots to fill in for the ones she didnt get as a child

tw sh/suicide implied ghost heather followed veronica everywhere, when she found out what happened to mcnamara, she cried to veronica the whole afternoon, sure they couldnt touch but heather floated right above veronica for comfort, she was upset with duke but she missed both of them

tw sorta parent neglect her parents never paid attention because they wanted a boy, not a girl, if it was a boy theyd show average yet minimal love but being a girl, she got the bare minimum, she felt unloved and like she wasnt good enough, she thought of being a boy to make them happy but they were transphobic and later on she found out she liked girls in a gay way so

tw sa mention she gets a couple bruises from david sometimes, but once she got a full on scar from him, her puffy curly hair hides it but she has a scar on the back of her head from him being a tad too rough

tw sa/r@p3 when chan was 14 she met david at that years prom, he was 17 and for her she was like "ok i think hes my age and dad wants me to have a bf so i should try" even tho she was crushing on a girl, he took her home and got her drunk to sa her but he like, said he was allowed to? and shes sorta gone back to drinking after to cope and stuff also she struggles taking and accepting compliments esp on things david would say things like (tw implied sa) "your hair is so sexy to pull" or "such pretty lips, taking me so well" she'd think someone complimenting those things would mean they were thinking the same he was and planned on doing the same, some ppl have exceptions like heather n heather

tw's over, she hides it a lot but she's slightly chubby but always wears something tight to conceal is, she rlly doesnt like her body but she forces herself to get over it anyway because people would get upset if the demon queen herself was insecure shes a TERRIBLE cook, she burns almost anything she makes somehow dont ask how she just does, something she likes doing is cooking but she jst cant without burning the whole kitchen down chan HATES her grandma cuz shes one of those rlly old christian asf people that nag and nag and whenever you go over shes extremely touchy, chans very picky on who she allows to touch her and her grandma is NOT pne of those people, if shes forced to go she just plays with her nans cat she acts all tough but she has really bad sensory issues (massive projection but shhhhh) the happy ending, david broke up with heather when she turned 18 because hes a creep like that and she finally decides to go to therapy after it all, she realizes she was hella groomed but shes still so scared of him and keeps his identity secret, she finally sees shes allowed to be gay and comes out to her friends only she squeaks/whines slightly when she stretches you cant convince me otherwise once after a party (n david touched her) she didnt bring her car so she walked to dukes house and threw up on her carpet, dukes mum was awake and helped take care of her just so she could go back to bed, chan had a killer hangover in the morning and cuddled with duke all day shes really bad at spelling like REALLY bad gets either C- or D- on her spelling/vocab tests she naturally has really soft skin/hands n loves holding heather and heathers hands to flex how soft they are (and she likes hand holding shhhh) yap over i might continue hmmm

i have super skibidi art request 🤑🤑🤑 these two.. heh..

martha like sitting at lunch table sigma n new wave girl leans on the table n shes like "whats cooking good looking 😼😼😼😝😝😝🤤🤤🤤"

HELP, I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO MADE THE NEW WAVE GIRL LIKE MARTHA DUMPTRUCK😭…

[I must draw😈��]

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

Thank you for replying to my ask and having this blog! I didn't want to tell any detail about my ed I thought that would be very triggering for some people cause it's about losing and gaining weight and dieting so trigger warning!!

But I guess I have always had since high school disturbed body image because diet culture starts affecting you very early on.

In college when I have had depressive episodes one way to cope was restricting my eating and then when I lost the weight I gained when depressed I started to feel better and it was like this yo-yo ish many years.

But oh god last year I had so many things that caused me stress I was living in a survival mode the whole 2021 and maybe still am, and idk why I gained weight guickly maybe it was many things combined. Then when things were bad my bf left me and my friends didn't help me and I was left kinda alone and the only way to cope again was thinking of losing weight. So this is such a classic but my ed was the symptom of my hard life situation and way to cope with the anxiety and stress.

But restricting my eating didnt 'work 'like it used to in the past, I havent been able to lose the gained weight and so my energy and time is still focused on losing that weight even now when im my life situation has improved a bit.

I have talk about my issues with doctors and I feel they haven't been taking my symptoms seriously or have focused just on my depression and anxiety (which are caused by ed so this is a fun cycle). Yesterday I talked to a nutritionist for the first time since applying help and she just said what I already know that even tho ed is a mental health problem the only way to cure is by eating. And that I should stop thinking about losing weight cause that only worsens everything (yeah no shit). And that she can't help me cope with the anxiety it's the other healthcare system that should (have) do(ne) that.

The thing is I have triedddd so much this whole time to take care of my eating but if I had succeeded I wouldn't be having any problems with it still u know?

It's kinda ironic how much I know about ed without being able to do anything. First I need to fix my nutritional status I think that's where everyone starts. And after that maybe intuition eating. I need to learn dbt skill to cope with anxiety and depression. And stop stressing about everything everywhere qll the time. Buying new clothes that fit so looking at my too small clothes wouldn't be so triggering. I need to learn self compassion and find a therapist but they are in high demand so that's really hard. I need to find things that I like about myself and repeat those. But everytime when I fail at trying to fix my daily routine and fix my eating routine I think of it as a setback and its a cycle very hard to get off (I need to wake up early to eat breakfast and lunch early so I wouldn't be so hungry at evening and night cause then I can't sleep properly and then I sleep in and then I eat late and then im hungry at evening and night cause I don't wanna eat too much in the evening and then I sleep in cause my blood sugar is so low from not eating enough in the evening does this make any sense at all) and I think I have ibs from so much stress and I think that's actually the reason I have gained weight like I'm bloated all the time. And i dont have any support cause my depression/ ed made me also isolate from my friends and/or they kinda left me also so yeah. Ummmmm this became a lot longer than i thought. if you read this all thank you and also sorry for dumping all my problems here

Sorry that it took me so long to respond to this - my own life situation is kind of taking a toll on me rn, and I've been slow to respond to people. That will continue to be the case, most likely.

But I'm sorry you've found the system so unhelpful! I really think a competent nutritionist should at least be a little understanding of mental health problems, especially when a lot of people coming to them with additional health needs will probably be coping with a lot and might need a little empathy. I mean, yeah, that's not her main job, but healthcare requires a multipronged approach, especially since her "just eat" directive won't be helpful without someone assisting with the mental health aspect simultaneously. I mean, if she frequently works with ED clients she should know that - "just eat" is such an ineffective directive. I hope you find a therapist or a team of therapists that are capable of helping you.

My advice, though? Break it down for yourself. All of these things are a cycle that feed into one another, so making progress in ANY of these areas you struggle in is still progress. And if you let yourself focus on one thing at once, it might not seem so overwhelming. Also remember that everyone struggles with hard days/moments, so if you slip, it doesn't mean you've lost all your progress. It seems an all-or-nothing approach can be really self-defeating. I get it, though - that's definitely something I still find myself struggling with!

I really hope you find more social support! I don't know if you have any online support groups. I also hope it's okay that I published this ask - I tend to do it unless otherwise specified so that people on here don't feel alone in their struggles. I bet there have been lots of ED sufferers who struggled during the pandemic, who have been feeling a lot of overwhelm and who struggle with finding adequate support and on trying to accept their bodies as-is and who are triggered by things like buying new clothes. I'm wondering if anyone else would like to share their experiences.

[chronicrunch]

Honest t god im just, so,, i dont even remember the word for it. Miffed.

This is long and i wanna give a cw for mentions of ED, vulgarity, and terrible doctors.

—————

Like how is it that you go to your psych with a referral stating there is a possibility for anxiety and an Eating disorder, not otherwise specified, and she only diagnoses one. In fact, she diagnoses anxiety and depression. Never mentions the eating disorder or the possibility of one ever.

When i asked her multiple times and brought it up, eventually she attempted to screen me. Very general questions for bulemia and anorexia. Only the big two. Then said she could not diagnose me. Even with my problems she could not diagnose me. Never tried to tell me to go elsewhere or refer me, just said she cant. Said shes never heard of ARFID or its other names, didnt wanna research it, and said that its not in the DSM.

Like listen. Girl. I tried to get a dx for adhd and you gave me the Vanderbilt assessment. An assessment for 6-12 yr olds and no higher. Then said “adhd is a children’s disorder” when i didnt meet criteria. I had to go elsewhere n pay $50 to get a dx and get the assessment, n now i have case management and meds to finally to help me! I had adhd!! I passed every fucking test i took and so on!

Then! I got petty. Its not in the dsm? Not in the 4th one, yes. But girl we aint on the 4th one now are we??

This bitch went to the library

Fucking boom. I do not want to hear. That ARFID is not a disorder and just picky eating. I do not want to hear that its not in the fucking DSM. At all. Its got a billing code and everything. And the fact she didnt offer or try to get me more help how she could is an actual problem. ESPECIALLY where the ED causes my depressive episodes at times. Thats just straight out not doing shit.

Least my case manager is more useful, and is going to help me find a better psych and even someone to help me with this. Its not right to just ignore your patients concerns and not give them any fucking info especially when its right damn there. Im underweight and i need help i keep fucking saying this. This is why people self dx bc of shitty docs like her.

[robynsaurr]

Goh comforts Ash (fanfic!)

Authors note: hello cherries :) This fic discusses a lot about depression/mental health. Depression is something I suffer with, and a coping mechanism I use is venting out my emotions through writing. As always, there won't be anything too heavy in this fic. Enjoy :) Goh couldn't entirely place when the change in Ash happened.

One moment he was the loud, excitable and happy kid Goh was used to. His smile was enough to brighten anyone's day, his laughter was enough to light up the every star in the sky.

But one day it all seemed to change. That shine in his eyes hollowed, always appearing dark and haunted. He smiled less, and whenever he did his eyes wouldn't light up. It looked forced.

At first he'd tried to make an effort, although even getting out of bed appeared to be exhausting. His voice become monotone and emotionless. 

Maybe it was a good thing Ash wasn't the best at acting or nobody would've known he wasn't okay.

And Goh hurt because Ash was hurting. Because he bottled everything up inside and wouldn't tell a soul about what was going on in his head.

He almost felt hurt that Ash wouldn't tell him what was wrong. They were best friends now, why couldn't Ash trust him?

But then this is Ash we're talking about. Goh recalled the day Ash had become sick. He didnt say anything all day, until he eventually collapsed.

Ash was just like that, anything about Pokémon battling and he wouldn't shut up for days, but it seemed like he'd rather be shocked ten times in a row by Pikachu's thunderbolt rather than talk about his feelings.

It was nearly 5am on a Tuesday morning, and Goh had just woken uo after a disturbed sleep, tossing and turning as he thought about Ash.

 He didn't have to be up early. Usually the alarm would sound at 10am. But Goh couldn't sleep.

He got dressed and brushed his teeth, then walked over to Ash's sleeping form om the lower bunk.

Goh gently shook his shoulder.

"Ash. Ash!" He whispered loudly.

Ash groaned, waking up more easily than he usually does. The amber sunlight shone in through the crack between the curtain, hurting his tired eyes. "Goh, it's early" he grumbled.

"So? You were barely asleep anyway. You never wake up that quick" Goh watched as Ash rapidly blinked his eyes, waking up properly now.

"What is it?"

"I need to talk to you. Get dressed, We're going out"

Confused, Ash reluctantly pulled a shirt and a pair of pants out his drawer. He got dressed, cramming his hat down on his knotted, messy hair.

Goh took him by his wrist, leaving the room. It was just them, Pikachu was still asleep on Ash's bed.

They both walked silently, past the town, into a more desolate area. It was a small grassy cliff by a large tree that looked over the town. The sky was lit up by a soft morning glow of ambers and oranges as the sun began to rise on the early winter morning.

It was truly beautiful, Goh and Ash stood by eachother, just taking in the scenery.

Ash turned his head to look at Goh. "Why'd you take me here?"

"I just wanted to watch the sun rise"

For a moment or two, there was silence, and all they felt was the cold winter air stinging their skin.

"And I need to talk to you, Ash"

Ash swallowed, suddenly feeling slightly nervous. "About what?"

"You. You've been different lately. Please, just tell me what's wrong"

Ash opened his mouth, but Goh cut in before he could protest.

"And don't tell me its nothing because I know it's not!"

Ash nodded, and he was quiet for a moment. After a long pause, he shut his eyes and sighed.

"I-I have something wrong with me"

He had his eyes closed. His cheeks were burning with shame and his fingers were curled into fists.

Before Goh could question him, he continued.

"It started happening two years back. Whenever winter came round... things just got worse. Getting out of bed was hard... I couldn't eat, I just felt so sad all the time. All I wanted to do was cry..." Ash had his head turned away from Goh, staring into the distance.

"I could hide it at first. Until it began to get worse... I told my mum. She took me to a doctor" Ash swallowed, taking a deep breath. "He said I had something called seasonal affective disorder. He gave me pills for it, although they didn't really do much. No one else knew apart from Mum. It felt embarrassing, shameful, I d-didn't want anyone else to know..."

"Ash..." Goh put a hand on his shoulder. "Is that all it is?"

Ash blinked, stunned. He still had his head turned, like he was confessing a deep, dark secret.

"It's okay. It happens, people suffer from these things. It's not shameful, it's not a bad thing." Goh paused, looking at Ash, who had tears brimming in his eyes. "It's a part of life. And it's not a nice thing to feel, but if you talk to people... we can help you. People care about you, Ash. I care about you. And we want you to be okay"

Tears were spilling down Ash's cheeks.

"Ash..." Goh continued. "I don't want the Ash who fakes a smile. I want the real Ash. You don't have to fake anything anymore. I'm here for you"

Ash didn't move. He was stunned by Goh's words. He hadn't expected them at all.

He thought he'd laugh at him, tell him he was an attention seeker. Or think he was weak or a coward.

Goh tilted Ash's chin up with his hand. Ash looked up into his eyes.

"Th-thank you”

Goh wrapped his arms round him, and they stood, wrapped in eachothers embrace for several minutes.

"Ash? Let's take a break from research or training today. We can look around the shops for souvenirs and go to the beach together instead"

Ash smiled, his first genuine smile in weeks.

"Sounds good.

Authors note: I am sorry for the lack of quality in this fic! i wrote it as a coping mechanism so it's not the best, but i still hope you enjoyed. much love <3

(also yes i wrote “mum” instead of “mom” im sorry sadly i am british 😔✌)