#my decision paralysis is also at an all time high which is a problem when following multi’s and being one myself

[ja3yun]

The Sun that Always Burns | S.JY

chapter 2: it falls apart

sim jaeyun x fem!reader warnings: smut (mdni), protected sex, oral (f.rec), fingering, petnames (baby, princess), slight exhibitionism, the end of this chapter hurts (sorry), angst/fluff, not really proofread, anything else please lmk! w.c: 17.4k synopsis: high school is ending, jaeyun has your future all planned out, but when life throws you a curveball and you make a rash decision to protect you and jaeyun...it falls apart a/n: hi! chapter 2 is here <33 a massive thank you for all the lovely comments and feedback with chapter one, it means so much to me. this chapter is a little sore if you love ynjake but it i also preparing you for much worse so!! enjoy!

chapter 1 | masterlist | chapter 3

As the end of high school loomed over you like sleep paralysis, you found yourself in a nightmarish swamp of college brochures, scrolling through endless websites in search of something - literally anything - that might ignite a spark of interest. That was the big problem, though. You weren’t passionate about anything that could translate into a career. Your teen brain only sought after one end goal and that was Jaeyun. He was all you could think about; the only future you’re certain of.

Jaeyun, on the other hand, has always known what he wants. Apollo College in Busan. It has been his dream for as long as he can remember. He spoke about it even way back when you two were mearley best friends. He was born to study mathematical physics, his mind a labyrinth of theories and equations you could barely wrap your head around - which isn’t saying much, you barely know your times tables. 

But, yet, you listen to him go on about it over and over again because you loved nothing more than the way his eyes lit up whenever he spoke about quantum mechanics, the way his enthusiasm turned the most mundane concepts into something alive. Even though physics itself bored you to tears, listening to him talk about it made it feel like poetry. 

Sometimes, you even make him read out the study material to you just so you actually consume some knowledge. His accent mixed with his drive to help you actually did positively impact your grades even if only slightly.

You, however, had nothing of passion like that. No grand ambitions, no clear direction. And Jaeyun, despite being your greatest love, was not exactly a viable career option. As much as you’d love to be his full-time trophy wife, reality wasn’t so forgiving. 

“What about Apollo, though?” Jaeyun asked, his eyes glued to his phone as he scrolls through yet another website on your bedroom floor. “They offer some ND-level courses. You could do one of those.”

You scoff, tossing a balled-up piece of paper at him from your bed. “Baby, be serious. I am not applying to a college for geniuses.”

Jaeyun catches the paper with ease, smirking as he sets his phone aside, full undivided attention on you. He gets up slowly, moving to sit next to you on your flower-patterned bedding. “You could totally pull it off. Imagine it - my girl, a woman in STEM.” He gives you a slow once-over, his smirk deepening. “It’s kinda hot, actually. Very hot.”

Rolling your eyes, you snatch his glasses off his face and slide them onto your own. Peering at him over the rims, you let your voice dip into something sultry. “Oh? Like this?”

Something dark flickers in his gaze. His tongue darts out to wet his lips, and you don’t miss the way his jaw tenses, nostrils flaring slightly in arousal. He’s never outright admitted it, but you know he has a thing for you in glasses. You’re not above teasing him about it either. Times when you want him to focus on you rather than his work, you’ll put on a pair of his specs, biting your lip and cradle his lap between your thighs. It’s a sure win tactic.

Now, if only you put as much effort into school and your future as you did seducing your boyfriend into bed.- you could make it to Harvard with top honors.

“My girl looks good all the time,” he murmurs, shifting closer, “but you in STEM? That’s marriage material, baby. I’ll wife you up right now.”

Heat creeps up your neck, his eyes eating you whole as he tries to trap you between him and the bed, ready to fuck a ‘yes’ out of you and get your acceptance to apply for a University you know you don’t stand a chance in. 

So instead of giving in, you finally gain your bones back, prying your eyes away from his love-drunk gaze. You place a finger against his forehead and push him back before he can close the distance. 

“Jaeyun, this is serious.” 

Jaeyun groans dramatically, flopping onto his back and staring blankly at the ceiling, his cock sighing at your rejection. “I am serious. You need a college and - okay, if not Apollo - Busan has loads. One of them has to have something you like. Something you can apply for so we can be close.”

You bite your lip, fingers drumming against the laptop keyboard. “What if I don’t find anything? What if I get stuck here, living with my parents forever, only seeing you once a month or something?”

That gets his attention. 

He sits up straighter, his expression sobering in an instant. “Y/N, if you can’t find something here, I’ll look somewhere else. My grades are good enough to get in anywhere.” It’s a subtle brag but you know he’s right. 

But that doesn’t mean he can just give up his dream school that he has spent countless nights dreaming and studying to get in to. You refuse to watch him throw it all away for you. It’s a ridiculous notion, one you can’t sit and watch him contemplate for more than a second.

“No,” you say immediately, shaking your head. “I am not letting you give up your dream school because I’m too thick to get into a single college.”

“But you’re my dream, Y/N. I’ll follow you anywhere you want to go. I’d give up anything for you, you know that.” His serious expression makes you a little uncomfortable. “I’ll get an apprenticeship or just a job if there isn’t a course for me.”

There is something about hearing him say he’ll throw his aspirations out the window for you that hurts your heart and you don't know why. It’s romantic, most girls would kill for a boy so understanding. But that’s not how you see it.

“Jaeyun don’t say that,” discarding your laptop and shuffling towards him, hoping the closer you are, the further deep your words will reach him, convince him. “I didn’t watch you need an IV drip from studying so hard just for you to not go.”

Something unreadable flickers across his face before he exhales, dropping his gaze. “I might not even get in, y’know.”

Immediately, your hands come up to cradle his face. “Baby, you’re a shoe-in. You’re the smartest person I know.” 

You always wondered why your boyfriend has such a hard time believing in his own abilities. He knows he’s smart, and he knows that colleges are falling at his feet to get his brains and athleticism on their roster. But something about when Jaeyun truly wants something, like this college, like you, he just lacks the self belief that he is even good enough for it. 

You run your thumbs over his cheekbones, watching as he leans into your touch. “I just wish you could see yourself the way I do. You’re born to do amazing things, and one of them is attend Apollo.” 

His lips curl into a small, sad smile, his fingers wrapping gently around your wrists. “You always say stuff like that.”

“Because it’s true,” you whisper. 

He holds your gaze for a long moment studying you, like he’s signing a final document in his mind. A declaration of some sorts. He looks a little nervous, haunted by the prospect of something that he won’t say. 

“Baby?” You nudge him. “What’s wrong?”

Jaeyun hesitates before speaking, kissing your palms slowly before letting go. “I mean it, Y/N. I’ll go anywhere you go. I don’t care where. I just - I can’t do long-distance. I know what happens in long-distance relationships.” His fingers curl into the blanket beneath him, hurting at even the prospect of this reality. “At first, we’ll talk all the time. Then life gets in the way, and suddenly we’re only FaceTiming once a week. Then it’s just texting because that’s easier, and before we know it, we barely talk at all. And then you’ll meet someone else - someone less clingy, more attractive, someone who can actually be there. And we’ll break up.”

His voice is thick as he barely manages to push out the final words. 

Your heart aches to see him like this, so doubtful. “Jaeyun,” you murmur, waiting until he meets your eyes. His are glossy, filled with a fear he doesn’t want to voice but can’t hide. “I’m not going anywhere. I will find a school in Busan. I will be right beside you for as long as you’ll have me. And we will never break up. Okay?”

Deep down you feel his concerns too. Of course you do. Long distance isn’t for the faint hearted; there’s more chance to misinterpret words and texts, less chance to keep the bonded knot sturdy between you. And with him saying all this, talking about how long distance wouldn’t work for you both, it make you start to really question the what ifs. 

But right now you have to convince Jaeyun that everything will be fine, all while trying to convince yourself in the process. Doubts that weren’t on your mind now are, but you push them down as far as you can - stamping on them like you’re trying to fit one more piece of trash in the can.

Jaeyun searches your face for any sign of hesitation, but he finds none. Slowly, he nods.

A breath of relief escapes you, and you lean in, pressing a faint kiss to his lips. “I love you, you idiot. Nothing will break us apart, okay?”

Jaeyun chuckles against your mouth, kissing you again, lingering this time. “I love you too.”

When you pull away, you shoot him a teasing grin. “Now come on, use that big sexy brain of yours to help me get into college.”

Jaeyun’s laughter fills the room, and just like that, the weight in his chest lightens. You spend the rest of the night filling out applications, finding comfort in the promise that, no matter what, you will find a way to stay together.

________

Rejection. Rejection. Rejection.

You open the next email, already bracing yourself. Another rejection - your seventh, to be exact. 

With a sigh, you lock your phone and rub at your temples. Time is slipping through your fingers. It has been two months since you sat in your bedroom, applying to a million and one colleges, and now, with just six weeks left, your options are very quickly dwindling. 

He’s moving to Busan. You’re supposed to be moving with him. But if nowhere accepts you…then what?

Your mind drifts back to the moment Jaeyun’s future was set in stone, the day he got his acceptance letter from Apollo.

There’s a frantic knock at the door, so insistent it makes your dad yank it open with a scowl. "Who the fuc—Oh, Jake. What’s the big rush?" he grumbles, irritation fading as he takes in Jaeyun’s breathless excitement.

"Is Y/N here? I need to see her," Jaeyun pants, his eyes already darting past your dad, ready to bolt up the stairs.

Your dad barely has time to nod before Jaeyun is kicking off his shoes and taking the steps two at a time.

"I think Jaeyun got into college," your dad remarks to your mum, who peeks around the corner, watching the whirlwind with a mixture of amusement and wonder.

In your room, you’re hunched over your desk, drowning in revision, completely unaware of the storm about to hit you. Your hair is a mess in a sloppy bun, your baggy sweatpants are the same ones you slept in, and Jaeyun’s old football jersey - the one he gave you after his first high school championship win - hangs loosely from your frame. You look like a typical stressed teenager.

When he reaches your doorway, he stops, his chest heaving, eyes drinking you in like he’s seeing you for the first time. "Beautiful…" he murmurs under his breath.

You look up, blinking at him in confusion. "Jaeyun? What are you doing here? I thought I was meeting you later."

He strides over, thrusting an envelope towards you, his hands trembling slightly with anticipation, mouth too dry to speak. You take it cautiously, eyes flicking to his face before unfolding the letter.

"Dear Mr. Sim," you read aloud, heart pounding. "We have received an overwhelming number of applications for the Mathematical Physics BSc Honours programme. However, we are delighted to offer you a place-"

Your breath catches. The words blur as they register in your mind.

"Jaeyun," you whisper. "You got in?"

He nods, disbelief still written across his face despite the confirmation in black and white. A squeal erupts from your throat before you can stop it, and in the next moment, you launch yourself at him. He catches you with ease, arms locking tightly around your waist as he spins you slightly, laughter bubbling from his lips.

Joy and pride flood the room, washing away the quiet rejection that has lived here for too long. At least once, this space gets to witness a letter that doesn’t end in an apology.

"This is amazing, baby. I’m so proud of you!" The words spill from you, breathless but nonetheless filled with exhilaration. You pull back just enough to cup his face, your thumbs brushing over the warmth of his cheeks. "You fucking did it."

His grin is blinding, eyes crinkled with elation. In this moment, Jaeyun is the picture of someone whose dreams are finally within reach. And God, you love him. You’re proud of him. But deep down, in a place you don’t dare voice, you envy him.

That memory snaps like a rubber band in your mind as you force yourself back to reality. You mutter a quiet, ‘fuck’ stuffing your phone into your pocket before heading to class, the weight of failure dragging behind you. 

Nowhere wants you. Not Busan, not Yangsan-Si, not even Gimhae.

You picked courses regarding subjects you enjoy in school, or rather, got decent enough grades in to hopefully scrape a pity acceptance. But it wasn’t enough. You aren’t enough.

Only two options remain.

One is a short twenty-minute commute from Jaeyun’s future campus. The other? Four hours away, tucked on the outskirts of Pyeongchang. You never mentioned that one to him. You didn’t really think you needed to. It was your ‘just in case’ choice - the one you assumed you’d never have to consider.

Now, it remains as possibly one of your only options.

Your feet feel heavier as you step into class, suddenly feeling the weight of having to tell your boyfriend that one of the only colleges you have left as a viable future is in fact going to induce his worst fear - long distance.

Jaeyun’s face lights up the second he spots you cross the threshold, waving you over with that easy, boyish grin of his. His chair is turned away from his desk as he chats with Jay and Heeseung, completely at ease.

"Baby, come here!" he calls out to you, unbothered by the eyes that shift toward him with his echoing accent. Jaeyun has never been quiet about his affection for you. The class, especially the girls, hate it, but he doesn’t care - could not give a single fuck.

You smile fondly at his gesture, letting the warmth of his presence chase away your spiraling thoughts as best as they can. He has a way of taking everything dark and making them disappear. 

As you move to sit beside Jay, Jaeyun tugs you onto his lap instead, his arms looping around your waist effortlessly, snuggling you into him like a puzzle piece. Jaeyun presses a kiss to the back of your shoulder in response, his smile smug, utterly unashamed. 

"You guys are disgusting." Jay, Jaeyun’s friend, groans, pretending to vomit.

"It’s a good thing you two are going to college together," Heeseung teases, leaning back in his chair as he pats Jaeyun’s arm. "I think my man here might actually die if he’s away from you for more than three minutes."

That sinking feeling starts to rise again, quick and overwhelming.

"Yeah, he wouldn’t last a day long distance," Jay adds, nudging Jaeyun’s knee.

The words dig under your skin, settling like lead in your stomach.

There is one more chance.

Feigning nonchalance, you slip from Jaeyun’s grasp, prying his hands from your waist. "As much as I love being the source of your collective disgust," you joke lightly, "I need to pee before class starts."

Jaeyun pouts slightly, his hand hovering at yours in a weak attempt to hold you captive, but lets you go, pressing a quick kiss to your lips before you escape. “Don’t take too long, baby.”

Plastering on a fake smile, you nudge your nose with his as a promise before walking out briskly, weaving through the throngs of students in the hallway until you reach the bathroom. The second you’re alone, you exhale sharply, pressing your hands against the sink, gripping tight at the edges as you try to find some balance in this chaotic mess. 

The doubt creeps in again, insidious and unwelcome.

It’s not that you don’t believe long distance can work. It’s that you know it won’t work for him. He said it himself, he can’t do it. He can’t imagine you not by his side, to hold you every morning, to kiss and cuddle you when he’s stressed or just needing to feel you. He is willing to give up everything to be with you.

A familiar ping echoes through the empty bathroom. Your fingers scramble to unlock your phone, heart hammering as you read the notification.

Mail: Offer Update – Kyungsung University.

Your pulse thunders. This is it. Your last chance. Last chance to make this right and start your life with him in Busan.

With a deep breath and shaky heart, you open the email.

Rejection.

Your breath catches. The world tilts.

There are no more chances.

Shit.

You stare at your reflection in the mirror. The girl looking back at you is unrecognisable - eyes red, lips trembling, the weight of disappointment heavy in her gaze. A choked sob escapes your throat before you can stop it.

You’re going to lose him.

Jaeyun’s voice echoes in your mind. I’ll follow you anywhere you want to go. I’d give up anything for you.

He meant it. He would give it all up. But the thought of letting him do that? Of being the reason he threw away his dreams? That’s a burden too heavy to bear.

Another ping comes from your phone and you squeeze your eyes shut to get rid of the tears that blur your vision. 

Mail: Offer Update: Avanti College

Dear Miss L/N,

We have received your application. After much consideration, we would be delighted to offer you a place at Avanti College for the study of Film and Media. As you may be aware, our school terms begin earlier than others. We will send you by post appropriate packages for you to start in July. For now, we have attached a link to our module selection system. Please choose your classes as soon as possible, as spaces are filling quickly.

We look forward to welcoming you next month.

Yours sincerely,Mr Suh Kyung MinHead of Recruitment. 

You read it once. Then again. Then a third time.

Your vision sharpens, the crushing weight in your chest momentarily lifting. You got in.

Somewhere wants you.

A sharp, disbelieving laugh escapes your lips as you clutch the phone tighter. Against all odds, someone out there believes you're good enough. You have a future. The rejection after rejection, the sinking dread, the hopelessness - it’s all gone in an instant, replaced by the undeniable proof staring back at you.

But then that spark of joy fades as the rain of your situation comes pouring down. It’s four hours away from Busan. Four hours away from the love of your life. It would oddly be easier to accept that you just weren’t meant to go to college at all, but to know that your future is here in this email makes you wonder if it’s a sign.

A sign that Jaeyun is meant to flourish without you, or vice verca. 

So what do you do?

Tell Jaeyun the truth - that you didn’t get into any of the colleges near him. That the only offer you received is one that will take you miles away. But you already know what he’ll do. He’ll throw everything away for you without hesitation. He’ll give up his dream university, his future, everything, just to stay by your side.

Or.

Don’t tell him. Accept the offer, pack your bags, and disappear. Leave behind your friends, your family - everyone who might cave and tell Jaeyun where you’ve gone. If you vanish without a word, he’ll have no choice but to continue on the path he worked so hard for.

The second option feels right - a little drastic. But right. There is no way you are going to be the one to leave Jaeyun’s future desolate, you couldn’t offer him a future better than the one he had already set out for himself. 

So you just won’t tell him. Disappear forever and delude yourself that he’ll move on easily.

Does his happiness and future mean more to you than your own? Absolutely. And for him to propel the way you know he can, you need to let him follow his path, even if that means sacrificing your own joy.

Looking back in the mirror, your reflection is hollow. Distant. The girl staring back at you is already grieving something she hasn’t even lost yet. 

Now, you have another choice; make this the best few weeks with Jaeyun, or slowly break away to make the situation easier on you both. Deep down you knew even if you tried to distance yourself, he would find a way to see you. He would move heaven and earth to get into your heart and eventually rip the truth from the chest you’re keeping locked away in there.

So, you can only do one thing - give your undivided attention to him just as you have all these years. Give him all the love you have, enough to fill the rest of his years with.

You have roughly five weeks. Five weeks before you’re away to live a completely new life. You’ll have to remind yourself why you’re doing this, why you’re hurting yourself by leaving your only love. 

But it’s for him. All of it. 

_______

Two weeks have passed and two weeks remain until you leave for Pyeongchang, and you’ve mastered the art of concealing your hurt. Jaeyun keeps asking if you’ve heard back from colleges, his curiosity growing sharper each time, but you just shrug and steer the conversation elsewhere. He’s getting suspicious, his gaze lingering a little too long when you deflect, but you reassure him with the same excuse - there’s still time. Most of your applications were for clearance spots, and they tend to respond last minute. 

He buys it. For now.

With exams over and school finally behind you, the only logical way for your entire year to celebrate is a party - a big one; one that could rival any American movie you’ve seen. Now that all of you can legally drink, there’s no limit to how much alcohol will be passed around - tequila, Sourz, Sambuca, Jager, all of the above is being checked in. And because the chances of seeing any of these people again are practically nonexistent, you want to let loose. 

No, you need to. 

For weeks, worry and dread have gnawed at you, and tonight, you crave the kind of recklessness that will drown it all out. You want to get fucked up in the most unpolitest way possible. That does run the risk of blurting out your secret to Jaeyun, however, you plan to pass the blabbermouth stage of drunk and go right to blottered.

Ryujin and Yeji are on their way to pick you and Jaeyun up from his house. Yeji, having lost a brutal game of rock, paper, scissors, is stuck as the designated driver and won’t shut up about how unfair it is. Meanwhile, Jaeyun is already dressed, effortlessly stunning in a blue double-denim outfit layered over a white graphic tee. Silver chains glint against his chest, hanging from his black D&G belt, and the rings you’ve felt on your throat more times than you can count adorn his fingers. A pearl necklace - Heeseung’s gift - rests against his collarbones, catching the light as he scrolls through his phone. His hair, styled the way he likes it, is perfectly parted, his forehead on display.

Jaeyun is the most gorgeous boy you have ever seen, and somehow, you find something new to admire about him every single day.

Stepping out of the bathroom, you catch sight of his reflection and pause, noticing the subtle change in his frame. You see him every day but something about the way his clothes are sitting on him places your view on him differently. He’s broader, taller, more…handsome. Some of his teenage features lost from the long nights of studying and passing time.

“Have you been going to the gym?” you ask, adjusting your earrings, your tone casual but your curiosity piqued.

He shrugs with his eyes still glued to his screen as he scrolls mindlessly. “Dunno. Must be all the extra lifting at work. Shit’s heavy, y’know?”

Don’t you know it. You work in a shitty convenience store too, and you know how heavy boxes can be. But you aren’t exactly walking around like Beth Pheonix.

Jaeyun still sits there, attention averted to some weird TikTok video that only he could get on his fyp. You huff, watching him intently, waiting - willing - him to notice the effort you put into your appearance. The white two-piece you bought for tonight leaves little to the imagination, hugging you in all the right places. You feel powerful, sexy. But he doesn’t even glance up.

Dragging your tongue over your teeth, you step behind him, your hands gliding over his shoulders, fingers pressing gently into his muscles. “You have gotten bigger,” you purr, letting your touch linger.

Jaeyun hums in response, still distracted, and that simply won’t do. If he won’t pay attention on his own, you’ll make him.

With slow, calculated movements, you step around to his front, one knee pressing onto the chair as you straddle his lap. His body tenses as you come closer into proximity, but his eyes remain trained on his phone. Not for long. You settle your weight against him, tilting your head as you wait for him to look at you.

And then he does.

His mouth parts slightly, eyes dragging over your moisturised body, darkening with each passing second. The phone is forgotten, locked and tossed aside without a second thought.

“Fuck, baby.”

You smirk vitoriously, lips curving as you bite down on the corner of your lip. “Do I look good?” Your fingers skim up his chest, curling around his neck as you shift your hips, pressing against him just enough to tease.

Jaeyun’s hands find your waist instinctively, gripping you tight. His voice is lower, rougher when he speaks. “Shit, Princess, you look ethereal.” His fingers flex against your exposed skin to make sure you’re really there. “Do we have to go? I don’t want anyone else seeing you like this.”

A laugh bubbles up in your chest but is cut off as he leans in, pressing his lips to yours in a lingering kiss. His thumbs brush over the fabric of your outfit, possessive, debating whether to peel it off or let you wear it just so he can show you off. He’ll be the envy of everyone in that house, he knows that for sure.

“Yes,” you breathe against his lips, pulling back just enough to see the frustration flicker across his face. “I wanna get drunk and dance.” You slide off his lap, tugging at his hand. “And you get to tell everyone that this” - you gesture to yourself, “is all yours.”

Jaeyun rolls his eyes, but the smirk playing at his lips betrays him. “Baby, don’t tempt me. I’ll go into that party and put on a show so they know who you belong to.”

A quiet moan slips past your lips when his hands beging to kneed your ass, fingers pulsing enough to bruise. His brow quirks at your reaction to his words. “Oh? Do you like that idea?” His grip tightens. “Should I just bend you over in the middle of the party and fu-”

Your hand flies over his mouth, cutting him off as you dissolve into laughter. “Shut up. You know what I mean.”

Jaeyun just grins, shrugging as he pulls your hand from his lips, pressing a soft kiss to your palm before intertwining your fingers with his. “We should head downstairs and say goodbye to my parents.”

He turns to leave, but you yank him back, stealing another kiss. It’s deep, slow, filled with a desperation you can’t name. You love having him here, so accessible, so tangible. 

Jaeyun groans against your lips, tasting the familiar cherry lip oil that has lingered on his tongue for three years. His fingers tighten around your waist, pulling you flush against him, as if he can’t get enough.

And honestly, he doesn’t think he ever will.

“Jaeyun,” you murmur against his lips, but he only deepens the kiss, his tongue sweeping into your mouth so he can steal the words straight from your breath. His grip tightens around your waist, and you feel the way he presses closer, as if sheer proximity could fuse you together. “Baby, we need to go,” you try again, but your voice is weak, betraying how much you don’t really want to stop either.

“No,” he whines, lifting you effortlessly, his hands firm under your thighs as your legs instinctively wrap around his waist. “If we don’t go then I won’t start swinging at guys for looking at you too long.” His voice is a low rasp between kisses, playful yet dark with promise. You throw your head back in laughter, his words of possessivness making you giddy, loved.

But Jaeyun sees an opportunity in your exposed throat. Quickly, his lips latch onto the delicate skin just above your freckle, the one spot he knows makes you quiver with need. The first kiss is featherlight, but then he sucks, a slow, deliberate pull that makes warmth pool low in your stomach. His teeth scrape against you before he soothes the bite with his tongue.

A gasp escapes your lips before you can stop it. “Jaeyun,” you warn, but your voice is breathy, and he knows it’s not real resistance.

He hums in satisfaction, his mouth not relenting, lavishing the same spot with nips and licks until heat prickles under your skin. When he finally pulls away, he inspects his work, and a smirk curls his lips.

“There.” He presses one final, chaste kiss to the fresh mark before looking at you with innocent eyes, as if he hadn’t just branded you in the middle of his bedroom. “Now everyone will know you’re mine.”

You scramble to the mirror, fingers brushing over the forming hickey - deep red and already threatening to turn purple. You sigh, caught between amusement and mild exasperation. “What are you? Thirteen?”

A low chuckle rumbles from behind you. “Just possessive,” he says so simply to his actions claiming to you like a territorial wolf. Then his voice drops into something quieter, something laced with an emotion that knots your stomach. Vulnerability. “Can’t have another Sunghoon situation, now can I?”

The mention of that birthday night makes your chest tighten. You never bring it up. You try to forget it ever happened. A stupid drunken mess that makes your stomach curdle if you give it more than a second thought. But Jaeyun never truly let it go.

His gaze softens as he looks at you though the mirror, resting his chin on your shoulder. “I can’t lose you. Not for anything.”

His words turn over like acid in your belly. You think about what’s coming in two weeks. About the choice you’ve already made. About how he’ll wake up one day, reach for you, and find nothing but an empty space.

You have to tell him.

But you can’t.

So you do the only thing you can - you plaster on a fake-ass smile, slip your arms around his neck, press a lingering kiss to his nose, and lie through your teeth “That won’t happen, babe.” 

A car honk from outside saves you from lingering too long in the moment, from staring too deep into his eyes and spilling your darkest secret. 

You hear Ryujin’s voice faintly through the window, impatient as ever and Jaeyun takes your hand, fingers lacing through yours like it’s second nature. Together, you rush downstairs, slipping into the night, into the reckless distraction of the party that awaits.

—

By the time you arrive, the place is already alive. Music pulses around the walls, bass vibrating under your feet. Crowds spill onto the lawn, half-drunk students laughing too loud, some already absolutely out of their face, others tucked away into dark corners with frisky hands wandering. The dim lights and shifting strobes give the illusion of being in some underground club rather than a house party.

A bit extreme but who are you to complain? You get a night of free alcohol and a few hours to forget everything plaguing your mind.

“Whose house is this?” you ask absently, eyes flicking over unfamiliar faces. 

“Kobayashi Daigo,” Yeji answers, turning toward you with an amused shake of her head. “He was in your class for, like, two years. You don’t remember?”

You blink. The name rings the faintest bell, but you have no memory of ever speaking to him. Which, honestly, isn’t surprising. You were never the type to branch out much beyond your friends. Beyond Jaeyun.

A warm breath ghosts against your ear as Jaeyun leans in. “Come on, baby. Let’s get you a drink.”

His voice is low, teasing. When his tone drops an octave like this, it makes you want to pounce on him instantly. But he doesn’t give you time to respond let alone star in your very own party-porno - his hands find your hips, guiding you through the sea of bodies toward the kitchen. His grip is tight, making sure you don’t slip away.

Ironic.

And maybe it’s reckless, maybe it’s selfish to let him believe you’ll be here forever - but for now, you let yourself melt into his touch, let yourself pretend you’re not counting down the days until you disappear.

The kitchen is warm, hazy with the scent of alcohol and something faintly sweet. Amongst the scattered bottles and half-empty cups, your eyes land on a familiar pink liquid - the unmistakable blush of Tequila Rose. Your favourite drink in the entire world. Like fate, it sits on the counter waiting just for you. But just as your fingers curl around the neck of the bottle, another hand - larger, stronger - grips it, stopping you in place.

“Princess, you want a double?” Jaeyun’s voice is smooth, teasing as he tilts the bottle in his hand, already pouring his own. His eyes flick to yours, awaiting confirmation to the answer he already knows. 

You hum, pretending to consider it, before flashing him a knowing smile. “Double.”

Jaeyun grins, pouring the shot to the very brim of the tall glass. The pale pink liquid swirls under the kitchen lights as you lift it to your lips, never once breaking eye contact.

“Cheers,” you say softly.

“Cheers, baby girl.” He knocks his own shot back with ease, slamming the glass onto the worktop with a satisfied exhale ripping from his chest. You watch, mesmerised, as his Adam’s apple bobs with each swallow, the tendons in his neck flexing ever so slightly. His tongue darts out to catch the last lingering drop at the corner of his mouth, and suddenly, the room feels too warm, your own shot burning its way down with more intensity than you expected. It’s not usually this nippy - the milky shot normally a breeze.

“You’re so hot,” you say before you can think twice, the words tumbling from your lips unfiltered.

Jaeyun’s chest rumbles with laughter, his hand already reaching for the bottle again. “I will say the exact same thing about you.” He pours two more shots. “To us, to Busan, to forever.”

The words settle deep in your chest, too heavy for a moment meant to be light. You force a smile and clink your glass against his, swallowing the second shot. The burn is sharper now, the aftertaste bitter in a way it wasn’t before.

You’ll need at least fifteen more to forget that the man in front of you is the one you’re leaving.

—

Three hours later, and the world tilts just slightly.

You aren’t wasted - not yet - but you’re perched on that fragile edge where every movement feels like floating and every sound is cushioned by the pleasant buzz in your veins. The air is heavy with laughter, with the clinking of glasses and the bass of some pop song shaking the walls. Bodies move around you, some swaying, some stumbling, all drowning in the euphoria of the night.

Jaeyun presses in close, his warmth wrapping around you as he leans down, his lips brushing against your ear. “Baby, dance with me.”

A shiver snakes down your body as he licks along the shell of your ear before guiding you toward the makeshift dance floor - formerly a living room, now an unholy mess of spilled drinks and swaying bodies. The bass thrums beneath your feet, some pop song pulsing through the speakers, though you hardly register it. Not when Jaeyun presses himself against you, his body molding to yours like second nature.

You move together effortlessly, your hips rolling against him, back arching so that your arse is flush against his front. A moan nearly escapes when you feel him harden beneath you, the heat of it seeping through his jeans. One of your hands reaches back, fingers tangling in his hair as you let yourself get lost in the feeling.

But then something shifts.

Jaeyun’s body goes rigid, his hold on you tightening - not in desire, but in something else entirely.

Curious, you glance up at him, only to find his gaze locked elsewhere, sharp and unrelenting. Following his line of sight, your stomach twists.

Sunghoon.

He’s across the room, leaning against the wall with a drink in hand, his dark eyes fixed on you. He’s not being obvious, but it’s clear enough for Jaeyun to notice, and that’s all it takes.

An uncomfy tension crackles in the air

It’s been over a year since that night - since Sunghoon made it clear he wanted you, since Jaeyun made it clear he wasn’t going to lose you. And while Sunghoon has been nothing but respectful since then, keeping his distance, Jaeyun never truly let it go. He never stopped seeing him as a threat. And now, even after all this time, Sunghoon’s gaze lingers too long, his expression unreadable.

Jaeyun’s tipsy instincts take over as his hand slides lower on your sides, the tips of his fingers fiddling with the hem of your skirt.

“Jaeyun,” you warn, voice barely audible over the music. You know where this is going.

He doesn’t answer. Instead, his fingers slip up the material covering the one place Sunghoon wants. That makes his blood boil. He bypasses your underwear with ease. The first brush of his fingertips against your clit has your breath catching in your throat.

“Jaeyun, there are too many people. Let’s just go some-” Your words die as he presses down, a slow, torturous circle. He doesn’t want to go somewhere private, he wants the dark haired boy across the room to see the way you crumble under your boyfriend’s touch.

Your body betrays you, melting against him as heat blooms low in your belly. The music fades into nothing, the chatter of the party a distant hum. It’s just his touch, his breath against your skin, the steady drag of his fingers as they dip lower to your entrance.

“I’m serious, Yunnie,” you manage to whisper, though it’s weak, barely a plea. “There are bedroom’s upstairs-”

He cuts you off again with a sharp press of his thumb, and your words dissolve into a soft, choked whimper. He knew exactly how to get you to see his way, and drunk you is a little less anxious about getting caught because this would not be happening if you weren’t six shots and three double vodka cranberries down.

Jaeyun smirks against your skin, his lips brushing over the mark he left on your neck earlier, tracing it lazily with his tongue. That fire you felt before leaving suddenly rises back to the hickey as it begs to be nipped and soothed. 

And he is giving it to you. His tongue over exaggeratedly flicks over the mark as he rolls his eyes back, thumb rubbing a bit more roughly on your clit. He isn’t touching you for your pleasure alone. He’s making a point. A very, very public one.

His eyes stay locked on Sunghoon’s bewildered ones. 

You don’t know that this isn’t the first time Jaeyun has asserted his dominance over the tall, slim boy. He usually does it subtly; a hot kiss, playing with your hair, or even pulling you into his side as you roam the hallways. Some instances were simply because he wanted too, others were because Sunghoon’s beady eyes were trailing on your figure.

But now he’s stamping the statement into Sunghoon’s mind forever. You are his and no one elses. 

Your knees nearly buckle when he pushes two fingers inside you, curling just right, hitting that spot that has you gripping onto his arms for support, nails digging into his veins as you gasp.

He chuckles lowly, his mouth grazing your ear. “You want me to stop, baby?” His tone is mocking, knowing full well you can’t answer, and even if you did, your answer would definitely not be yes. Not when his fingers are moving faster, his thumb rubbing you raw.

You toss your head back against his shoulder, mouth falling open in a silent moan. Jaeyun buries his face in your neck, whispering sweet nothings into your heated skin. You barely process anything beyond the rush of pleasure building, the coil tightening, your body completely at his mercy.

“Good girl,” he breathes, voice thick with satisfaction.

You shouldn’t be doing this. Not here. Not with the entire party swirling around you, bodies just inches away. But no one notices. No one but Sunghoon, whose jaw is tight, eyes dark with a cocktail mix of envy, disgust, and defeat.

And Jaeyun sees it, eliciting a smirk smothered with satisfaction.

“Cum for me, princess,” he murmurs, fingers relentless as he works you over the edge. “Show them it’s me that makes you feel this good.”

His wrist flicks as he sets a steady rhythm that will have you leaking over his digits in a matter of seconds. The tip of his fingers massage your sweet spot, coaxing every atom in your body to let go, to give him everything. 

And just like that. the coil snaps.

Your orgasm crashes over you, and it takes everything in you not to moan like a desperate little thing in the middle of the party and alert everyone to you and your boyfriend’s exhibitionism. Your nails dig into Jaeyun’s arms harsh enough to leave dents as you ride out your high, body trembling against him as you clamp his hand with your thighs.

Across the room, Sunghoon coughs awkwardly, shifting uncomfortably before turning away, jaw tight, expression unreadable. 

Jaeyun, victorious, only chuckles behind your ear, pulling his fingers from you before turning you to face him.

“Good?” he asks, voice still tinged with amusement.

You let out a breathless laugh, still lightheaded from the intensity of it all. “Fantastic.”

His grin widens, something almost predatory glinting in his gaze. The without warning, he brings his hand up and slips his fingers into your mouth. You gasp, but your lips close around them instinctively. He watches you, utterly transfixed, as you lap your tongue over his digits, tasting yourself, cheeks flushed and eyes hazy.

“So beautiful,” he murmurs, thumb brushing over your swollen lips as he pulls his fingers free.

Your heart pounds as you stare into his eyes, love and guilt journey through your heart - both long staying passengers.

The night is still young, the drinks still flowing, and the music still loud. 

This party was exactly what you needed.

________

Two days. That’s all the time you have left before you leave everything behind. The weight of it sits heavy in your chest, pressing down with every breath, an ache that refuses to leave you alone. It has all went in too quickly, this past month filled with so many memories that you will never ever forget.

It makes you wonder if you made the right choice by not breaking up with Jaeyun once you found out you wouldn’t be going to Busan. 

You try to push your thoughts aside as you doddle about the convenience store for your last shift. It’s a shitty job but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t love it in some strange, sentimental way. The regulars, your boss, the co-workers you spent mindless hours with. Even the tedious restocking and the beep of the register have become part of a routine you weren’t quite ready to let go of.

You won’t miss the bright blue uniform, though.

The memory of when you first got the job sneaks up on you, unbidden. You can still hear Jaeyun’s excitement, see the way his eyes lit up as if you’d just been appointed CEO of a million pound company. “My beautiful, hardworking girl. I can’t even begin to describe the pride in my heart,” he had gushed, lifting you up effortlessly, spinning you around in his arms before preppering kisses all over your face. That grin of his, so wide and earnest, the sheer adoration in his gaze - it still floods your senses now, making your stomach turn in happiness and grievance. He had even suggested celebratory sex, because of course he would. Any excuse to have you bouncing on his cock.

The thought is cut short when a pair of familiar arms snake around your waist, strong and certain, pulling you back against a firm chest. You don’t need to turn around to know it’s him. The warmth of his body, the way he fits against you so perfectly - it’s a feeling you know too well.

“Hey, Y/N,” Jaeyun murmurs, his lips brushing against your neck as he places featherlight kisses along the skin. His scent washes over you - citrus with a woody undertone, grounding and intoxicating. You sink into him for just a second before forcing yourself to stand firm. You can’t get lost in him now. Not with just over 48-hours left.

“Miss me?” he teases, his breath warm against your ear.

You sigh, but there’s no real exasperation in it, a playful annoyance almost. “Jaeyun, I’m working.”

Turning in his arms, you meet his gaze, and instantly, regret coils tight in your chest. He looks at you with so much love, so much trust, so much unguarded sincerity that it makes everything you’ve been doing - everything you’ve been hiding - feel like a slow, cruel betrayal.

He doesn’t deserve any of this.

Jaeyun smiles obliviously as he presses a lingering kiss to your lips, then another, and another. Each one is soft and sweet, savouring the simple moment, like he never wants to stop. You can feel his grin against your mouth, the way he breathes you in.

“You get off soon,” he murmurs. “Just bail early.”

His lips trail down your jaw, pressing against the sensitive skin just below your ear. It’s so easy to give in, to let yourself melt into him and forget that you’re meant to be working.

“Baby,” you whine, pouting as you try to focus on stacking the cans on the shelf. “Let me finish.”

Jaeyun’s grip on your waist tightens slightly, his lips brushing against your ear. “I can make you finish if you want.”

His voice is low, teasing, sinful. His teeth nip at your earlobe, and you swear you can feel the smirk forming on his lips. Your breath hitches, and Jaeyun chuckles, because he knows. He knows exactly what he does to you. He can hear your heart pounding, can feel the way your body tenses ever so slightly in response to his touch. And in his mind, that’s proof enough that you were made for him.

You shake your head, trying - and failing - to suppress a smile. “I will attend to your every need when my shift is over, but for the next twenty minutes, these cans of butter beans have my full attention.”

He groans dramatically. “Oh…butter beans. I love it when you talk dirty.” He snaps his teeth together, biting the air mischievously. 

You swat at his chest playfully, laughter spilling from your lips before you can stop it. You’ll miss this. God, you’ll miss this. Maybe you should just tell him. Maybe you should change your plans. You could find a job in Busan, surely. Stay here, with him. 

The thought lingers for a moment, dangerous and tempting, but you push it away, tucking it deep into the back of your mind. If you do that, you’ll be reliant on him, causing unnecessary stress and endangering his future. 

Instead, you reach up, wrapping your arms around Jaeyun’s neck, holding him close. “Sim Jaeyun, you are the most infuriating person I have ever met,” you say, shaking your head fondly.

Sunlight filters through the store windows, casting a soft glow on his face. His golden skin practically gleams in the light, his dark eyes glinting with mischief as he beams down at you.

“You love me, though,” he says confidently.

You swallow, your chest tightening. “So much.” 

Too much.

Jaeyun grins like a lovesick puppy, dropping a quick kiss to your lips. “Good. Then hurry up and get this shift out of the way so I can have you all to myself.”

With that, he pecks you one last time before pulling away, leaving the store in a hurry. His movements are eager, excited. He has plans.

And you? You have no idea what’s coming.

___

Jaeyun taps his fingers anxiously against the steering wheel as he dials Heeseung’s number. The call connects after two rings.

“Yes, Jake, for the millionth time, everything is set up,” Heeseung sighs, exasperated but amused at his best friends constant calls for reassurance. “I followed your strict, to-the-point plan exactly as instructed.”

Jaeyun exhales, running a hand through his hair, a bit of relief swirling in his chest despite the nerves still sitting in his stomach. “Thanks, mate. I owe you one. And the r-”

“In the glove compartment. I told you, everything is sorted.”

Jaeyun checks quickly, flipping the compartment open. There it is - a small, neatly wrapped white box, tied with a pink satin ribbon, the edges dusted in silver glitter. He stares at it for a long moment, fear creeping in despite himself.

“She’s gonna love it,” Heeseung reassures him. “You know she loves anything if it has to do with you.”

Jaeyun’s throat tightens slightly, but he smiles. If there was one person who believes in this relationship almost as much as he does, it’s Heeseung. He has been here through everything - every late-night phone call where Jaeyun rambled about how perfect you were, every moment of insecurity, every little update about your favourite songs or perfumes. Jaeyun is obsessed, and Heeseung has certainly suffered the consequences of it.

“Jake, stop overthinking it,” Heeseung laughs. “You guys are meant to be. If this doesn’t work out, then I don’t believe in love.” His best friend isn’t lying either, he has never seen a couple so destined to be with one another, not even his parents who are sickeningly in love.

High school sweethearts come together and fall apart as they grow into new people, the pieces that used to meld with one another growing and shrinking too much to fit together anymore. But you and Jaeyun? Anyone can see - especially Heeseung - that your relationship is not a puzzle but the tree the cardboard is made from, each just developing branches to fill out your love rather than break it. In the winter nights when the leaves fall and darkness looms, you grow ringlets in the trunk of your love, never snapping under the wind.

That’s exactly how Heeseung sees you both. Destined. Molded. Forever.

Jaeyun chuckles, shaking his head. He doesn’t even entertain the possibility of not being with you. Of course, you’re meant to be. That’s not a question. It’s a fact.

A glimpse of you walking out of the store catches his attention. “Shit, she’s coming. Thanks again, mate.”

He shoves the box into the side pocket of the car door just as you open the passenger side, sliding in. You’ve changed into a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt, but to Jaeyun, you might as well be wearing a Vivienne Westwood dress with the way you look like the most beautiful person on earth.

“Hey,” he greets softly, his voice airy.

“I wish you would’ve told me we were doing something. I would’ve brought nicer clothes to change into,” you pout, suddenly feeling stifled in the simple mum jeans despite their comfort.

Jaeyun scoffs playfully, his eyes flicking toward you as he starts the car. “You say that like Aphrodite herself doesn’t worship the ground you walk on, even in jeans.”

Your stomach flips. He always had a way with words, a gift for making you feel like the most breathtaking thing to ever grace the earth - and to him you are. Beautiful and gorgeous were never enough for him - those words are too ordinary, too overused. Jaeyun needs something grander, something worthy of you. Even when words fail him, he still tries, determined to make you feel as exquisite as he saw you.

Still, you can only roll your eyes, cheeks warm in a rose blush as you buckle your seatbelt. He busies himself with the music, fingers expertly flicking through cassette tapes in the centre console. His car - an ancient black 1998 Honda Civic he bought for pennies from a distant uncle - came equipped with a cassette player instead of an aux, something Jaeyun delighted in. 

It gave him the perfect excuse to make mixtapes, just like in those early 2000s films. He even made one for your Christmas road trip, packed with songs that reminded him of you. Most of them were love songs, but one track - Hotel Room Service by Pitbull to be exact — had snuck in by accident, and he’d never figured out how to remove it. It became your song after that, something that made you both dissolve into laughter whenever it played yet still held sentimental value.

“I think I’ve created the best mixtape of all time,” Jaeyun boasts, wagging a cassette between his fingers before sliding it in. “You’re gonna love it.”

The first song hums through the speakers, the familiar melody of Love is All Around by Wetter filling the car.

Your heart clenches with joy. “My favourite song.”

Jaeyun’s lips curl into a triumphant smile as his hand finds yours, bringing it to his mouth for a soft kiss. “It’s slowly becoming my favourite, too.” His eyes linger on you, and the warmth in them nearly undoes you. “You know, they’re playing a show in Busan this autumn. If you want, I’ll grab us tickets since we’ll be up there anyway.”

Your breath catches. The sickness rising from your stomach, a tight, suffocating thing that robs the colour from your face. He’s already planning for the future, your supposed future where you live happily ever after. 

Tell him. Just tell him.

“Jaeyun, I-”

“I’ll get them next payday,” he cuts in easily, like it’s already decided. “They’ve had tickets available for ages, so I don’t think they’ll sell out in the next couple of weeks.” He squeezes your hand, focused on the road, thumb tracing soft circles into your skin.

You swallow the lump in your throat, force a smile, and thank him. Then, you turn to the window, staring out as the world blurs past. You mentally curse yourself, hating yourself for giving him another nugget of hope. All these tiny threads of future that he’s weaving into your lives are about to be cut loose, and that will only make it harder for him.

Jaeyun isn’t dumb though, he notices the shift in you - the way you clam up, the way your fingers twitch slightly in his grasp - but he doesn’t say anything. Not yet. He knows you well enough to wait. 

The drive takes exactly thirty-two minutes, and for thirty-one of them, Jaeyun holds your hand, squeezing it intermittently. The other minute, he spends drinking water to ease the dryness in his throat, a nervous habit when he’s overthinking. He’s been rehearsing everything in his head, making sure every detail is perfect. You deserve perfection.

When the car finally rolls to a stop, he turns to you, smiling. “We’re here, princess.”

Lost in your mind, you unbuckle your seatbelt, not registering exactly where you are. As he steps out of the car, he swiftly rushes around and opens your door for you. One hand gestures grandly toward the grassy hill before you, the other extended to help you out.

“Right this way.”

You side-eye him as you step out, wary of the incline. “Making me walk after a six-hour shift should be illegal, you know that?”

Jaeyun beams, like he was waiting for you to say that, always predicting your next move. Although, there seems to be one he is oblivious too. “Ah, see, I knew you’d complain about that.” He turns his back to you, kneeling slightly. “That’s why I’m going to carry you.”

Your eyes widen. “You cannot be serious.”

He twists his head to look at you, scandalised. “Does my girlfriend not have faith in her very strong, very capable boyfriend?” He raises a brow, scoffing when he sees the doubt written all over your face. “Trust me. Get on and have some faith in your man, please.”

A genuine laugh escapes you as you see him puff out his chest. He’s impossible sometimes, but still, you oblige, climbing onto his back and wrapping your arms around his shoulders as his hands secure your thighs. He hoists you up with surprising ease, and you gape at him. “Have you been working out, be honest this time?”

Jaeyun grins, flexing one arm dramatically as he starts walking. “Babygirl, I’ve been packing these guns since birth. John Cena is jealous.”

You rest your chin on his shoulder, giggling. “Oh yeah? That so?”

“Mmhm. He looks up reference pictures of me when he’s trying to achieve his goals. A bit of motivation for him.” He presses a quick kiss to your cheek as you giggle at his ridiculous notion. “Now, hold on tight. We’re heading to the top.”

“To the top!” you echo, laughing, as he takes the first step up the hill.

Surprisingly, Jaeyun reaches the top without stopping once, and although his breathing is heavier, his grip on you is unwavering. When he finally sets you down, his arms tense, veins pronounced from the strain of holding you up. They stand out boldly beneath his skin, and you can’t help but stare. God, they’re perfect.

It’s the one thing you’ve never been able to get over about your boyfriend. Those forearms have haunted one too many wet dreams of yours - and he knows it. 

At school, he’d make a habit of rolling up his sleeves when you shared a class, his smirk barely concealed as he caught you ogling him. He took pride in it, in the way you practically drooled. Before coming over to yours one night, he’d even spent time flexing, clenching and unclenching his fists to make sure his veins were as defined as possible. His efforts had paid off - the night had ended with you riding his fingers, nails digging into his forearms, desperate to feel them beneath your touch.

“Baby?” Jaeyun’s voice pulls you back to the present. He’s bent forward slightly, head tilted as he waves a hand in front of your face, his grin lopsided. “You in there?”

Blinking, you shake off the haze of memory. “Hmm?”

“I said - ta-da!” 

He hops on the balls of his feet, throwing his arms out as if presenting the grand finale of a magic trick, sort of like the Will Smith meme but less ridgid, more comical despite his obvious nerves.

Your gaze follows the sweep of his hands, and suddenly, your breath catches in your throat, pulse thumping as you get overwhelmed with the sight.

A pair of trees stands before you, their trunks wrapped - no, tangled - in strings of fairy lights, their golden glow casting a soft halo over the picnic laid out beneath them. A bouquet of flowers sits in the centre, spare petals scattered across the blanket like fallen stars. Two woven baskets accompany the arrangement, lids slightly ajar, revealing glimpses of the feast inside. A trail of rose petals leads up to the setup, their deep red hues stark against the grass.

For a moment, you can’t speak. How can you when you’re facing one of the most romantic settings you have ever witnessed.

Jaeyun shifts his weight, rubbing the back of his neck, his usual confidence wavering at your silence. “I know it’s cheesy and cliché,” he says with an axnious chuckle, “but I remember you reading about this in one of your books and saying you loved the idea of a midnight picnic.” He exhales through his nose, sheepish. “I know it’s not midnight, but-”

You don’t let him finish. Instead, your lips press against his, cutting off his rambling explanation, hoping that even a slither of your gratitude can be passed through the movement of your lips. Jaeyun exhales into the kiss, tension melting from his shoulders as his hands settle on your side. His relief is palpable. You like it. That’s all that matters.

When you finally pull away, he’s grinning, fingers lacing through yours. “Come on,” he murmurs, guiding you forward.

The rose petals crunch softly beneath your feet, but you barely notice. Your eyes remain fixed on him - on the way his dark hair falls slightly over his forehead, shorter than when you first met; on the way his side-parted bangs frame his face, accentuating the sharp angles of his jaw. He’s grown into himself over the years, but he’s still your Jaeyun. Still the boy who whispers puppy love nothings in your ear any chance he gets. Still the boy who looks at you like you hung the stars in the sky.

He’s yours.

At least for now.

“I got you all your favourites,” Jaeyun continues, oblivious to the turmoil brewing in your chest. “Kimchi pancakes, tteokbokki, some chicken and spinach samosas-”

His voice fades into the background. Your heart is so full - but a filled heart means there is more to break. And yours is just about being demolished.

“I love you, Jaeyun.” The words escape before you can stop them, raw and unfiltered. It’s the only thing you can say at the moment, scared that if you attempt another word you’ll blubber.

Jaeyun has heard you say it a thousand times before, but something about this time feels different. The weight behind it is heavier, more deliberate. So beautifully raw but…sad.

His body stills for half a second before his hands slide to your hips, grounding you in place. His gaze flickers over your face, searching, but he doesn’t question it. Instead, he lets out a soft breath, voice steady.

“I love you too, Y/N. So fucking much.”

His heart swells, so big he thinks it might rupture.

It’s incredible how two people can have a heart so full yet while his structure is solid, determined, yours is being chipped away at with each passing second of the ticking clock. This will end soon, and you can’t tell who will have a harder time building back the pieces. 

The kiss he gives you next has tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. It’s slow but filled with a confession of its own. He kisses you like he’s memorising the way you taste, like he’s trying to etch this moment into his bones. It’s amatory yet pure, a love so deep it defies any logical explanation. It’s not something that can be theorised or dissected.

It’s yours. It’s his.

And in two days, you’re giving it up.

Jaeyun pulls you down onto the blanket, settling beside you as he begins unpacking the baskets. The scent of the food fills the air, and your stomach rumbles in response. Everything looks perfect.

Jaeyun watches the way your eyes light up at the sight of the spread, and he makes a mental note to thank Jay when he sees him next. “Here, take a bite, baby girl.” He lifts a piece of tteokbokki with his chopsticks, holding it out for you.

You oblige, opening wide and letting the flavours burst on your tongue. 

And that’s when you know he didn’t make this.

Jaeyun can barely cook a frozen lasagne without setting off the fire alarm, let alone pull off a meal like this.

Suddenly, laughter bubbles up from your chest, causing Jaeyun to cock his head in wonder. “What’s so funny?”

You wave a hand dismissively, memories flashing through your mind - It had been your 100-day anniversary, and he’d wanted to cook for you. It ended with Jaeyun, flailing a green and yellow dish towel under the fire alarm, a burnt pizza in the oven, and his dad standing nearby, arms crossed, delivering a very long-winded lecture on the importance of life skills. 

“It’s nothing,” you say, grinning. “I’m just happy.”

Jaeyun beams at that, your happiness of the upmost importance to him.

The rest of the evening unfolds in golden hues and easy laughter. The fairy lights flicker softly, casting a glow over everything, making the moment feel almost unreal. You pretend, just for a little while, that nothing is wrong. That there’s no expiration date on this love.

But while you’re pushing down your anxiety, Jaeyun’s is flared with each moment ticking by. He has been waiting for this moment for a long time.

As the last remnants of food disappear, his heartbeat grows louder, pounding against his ribs. He grips the edge of the blanket, trying to steady himself.

“Um, Y/N?” His voice is hesitant, uncertain. You immediately set down your plate, your full attention on him as you begin to notice the tiny shake in his hands.

“Yeah?”

Sweat beads along his forehead. He swallows thickly, his fingers flexing against the fabric beneath him.

Your stomach knots instantly at his apprehensive stature. Does he know? Is he about to tell you that he’s known your plan all along? That he’s doing all of this to convince you to stay? Is he giving up everything for you?

Or…is it simply too warm this evening?

“Hoo, okay, so-” Jaeyun exhales sharply, shifting his entire body to face you. His hands tremble as they clasp yours; they’re smaller, delicate in comparison, yet still manage to steady him in a way nothing else can. “I love you so much,” he begins, then falters, sucking in a breath. “And, uh, okay, um-”

He had rehearsed this moment a hundred times. Sat on Heeseung’s bedroom floor, the elder pretending to be you - going as far as threatening to put on a wig and eyeliner for authenticity and immersion.Heeseung takes his roles very seriously.

“I need to get into character!” Heeseung had proclaimed dramatically, sending Jaeyun into a fit of laughter, the boys barely making it through one runthrough.

Now, though, standing before you, his mind is blank. The words he’d carefully strung together dissolve the second he looks at you - obviously this was much easier with Heeseung and a bad lipstick job. 

No you are much more intimidating. The golden hour sun kisses your skin, turning you ethereal, unreal. He has no choice but to take another deep breath, shaking off the nerves, or attempting to at least..

“I love you,” he tries again, steadier this time. “I have ever since that first day at school.” His gaze drops to the sun necklace resting between you collarbones - the one he bought you for your birthday - before flicking back to your eyes. “You took the breath from my lungs, and honestly? Every time I look at you, I still forget how to breathe.”

A wry smile tugs at his lips as he continues.

“I don’t know if soulmates are real, or twin flames, or matches made in heaven…but, baby, you’re all of them to me, I know it. I curse the stars every night because people admire them for being beautiful, when you are the brightest thing in the universe. You’re my sun, my moon, all my stars.”

He inhales shakily, as if steadying himself, his hands running so cold that he feels pins and needles starting to tingle the tips of his fingers.

“You deserve all the admiration they get. And if I can spend the rest of my life looking at you, studying you, loving you like some devoted astronomer -  then I’ll know I’ve lived my life well.”

A beat. Two hearts, thundering against ribcages. The love between you, palpable, enough to heal nations - enough to ruin you.

Jaeyun reaches into his pocket, retrieving a small box. His fingers shake violently as he hands it to you. “I want you to know,” he murmurs, voice nearly cracking with emotion, “I’m so serious about us, Y/N.”

The weight of the box settles into your palm, and suddenly it feels like the entire world is sitting there, waiting to be opened. His words mixed with the unexpected gift saw at your heart, guilt overwhelming your bloodstream.

“Open it,” he huffs, exhaling like he’s spent months holding his breath.

You peel away the soft pink ribbon, lifting the lid to reveal two delicate silver rings rest side by side. Small, simple bands with a single heart at the centre - nothing extravagant, yet everything that matters. Beside them, two identical silver keys.

Jaeyun shifts, scooting closer, his fingers brushing against yours as he lifts one of the rings.

“Before you freak out—I’m not proposing,” he chuckles weakly, though his laugh barely makes it past his lips. His thumb smooths over the band as he stares at it, his mind lost somewhere between the past and the future.

“This is my promise to you,” he continues, voice quieter now. “That from now until forever, I am yours.”

He lifts your left hand, taking your pinky between his fingers before slowly, deliberately, sliding the ring on. “A pinky ring,” he murmurs gently, “until I can get you a real wedding ring.”

The tears welling in your eyes spill over, laughter bubbling from your lips despite yourself. You recognise the lyrics embedded in his words, his love language tucked between the sentiment. The ring fits perfectly. Of course, it does.

You don’t even have to ask to know - he saved up for these. Every penny from his part-time job, every late-night shift worked with you in mind. They are not designer rings. They are not diamond-encrusted. But they are everything. Because they are his. Because they are yours. And his devotion to you is priceless.

Jaeyun hesitates for a moment before picking up one of the keys, rolling it between his fingers. “This,” he says, his voice a tiny bit more confident now that you’re wearing the ring, “is the key to our flat in Busan.”

Your breath stutters.

“I know we should be living in dorms,” he continues, his eyes flickering between the key and your face, gauging your reaction. “But I struck a really good deal with the landlady—she’s sweet, she likes me. And I just-”  His voice dips as the truth sits on the edge of his tongue, being pushed forward by raw emotion. “I don’t think I could go a day in this life without seeing you. And if we live together, I won’t have to.”

He places the key in your open palm, his own curling over yours, holding it there with promise.

The tears streaking down your cheeks, once born of joy, are suddenly unbearable with sorrow.

He doesn’t know you’re leaving.

You have told yourself it’s for the best. That leaving now, cutting ties cleanly, would hurt less than watching him drift away piece by piece. That letting him go would save you both.

But staring at the key, at the boy in front of you…your resolve crumbles and your heart splinters.

Jaeyun shifts, sensing your hesitation. Panic flickers in his eyes. “Baby, if this is too fast, we can-”

You don’t let him finish.

Your lips crash against his, swallowing whatever reassurance he was about to offer. You don’t know what to do. You feel remorseful and devastated but his hopeful smile and readily beating heart are calling out to you to just melt into the moment. Even if it’s selfish, even if it’s cruel to lead him on like this, your heart yearns for him.

His breath stutters, but he melts into you instantly, fingers threading through your hair, each strand wrapping around his fingers like an anchoring rope. Your hands slide over his shoulders, gripping, grounding. His skin is warm beneath your fingertips, familiar and safe.

Jaeyun doesn’t need words. This - your touch, your kiss, your hands clutching him like he’s the only thing keeping you tethered to this world - this is enough to know you feel the same way he does.

But while his heart and mind are at ease, his body needs more.

Jaeyun scoops you up in one swift motion, carrying you down the hill and to his car, leaving the evidence of your love behind in the branches. He wonder if Heeseung’s help extends to a clean-up job.

“I need to make love to you so bad,” he grumbles, his voice thick with longing as his lips smooch at yours messily. “But not in this car.”

____ 

The drive to his house is a blur of desperate touches, your fingers trailing over his wrist, his palm resting on your thigh. He speeds recklessly, tunnel-visioned, the pinky ring on your hand glinting in the dim light.

You are his. He is yours.

By the time he parks, Jaeyun is already reaching for you, his hands making way to your hips as he all but pushes you up the stairs. The second the bedroom door shuts behind you, he’s pressing you against it, his lips urgent, messy, needing.

“Princess,” he groans when your hand presses against his growing arousal. “You’re dangerous.”

You laugh - genuinely, fully. The last real laugh you’ll have for a long time.

Jaeyun doesn’t notice. He’s too focused on yanking his T-shirt over his head, the fabric slipping off in a single, fluid motion. His bare chest is in front of you now, the fading hickeys from last week still scattered over his skin.

He doesn’t waste another second.

Bending slightly, he grips your thighs, lifting you with ease. His lips find your jaw, your cheeks, your temple - whispering against your skin in a voice filled with reverence. “So beautiful. All mine.” 

Your heart aches. You wish you could tell him. But instead, you let him love you for one of the last times.

Jaeyun groans against your skin, his breath warm as he presses you onto the bed, his chest never leaving yours. His hands explore your body with deliberate intent, fingertips mapping out every inch of your exposed skin as though memorising it. A soft hum vibrates through him, an unspoken appreciation of the heat radiating from your body.

“I know, Princess,” he murmurs, his lips ghosting along your jaw, his voice thick with amusement. “But you’re gonna be a good girl and wait for me, yeah?” The smirk laced in his words only makes you ache more. 

You whimper, desperation evident in the way your body arches toward him, and he chuckles, his voice husky with satisfaction. With deft hands, he unbuttons your jeans, dragging both them and your underwear down in one fluid motion, leaving you bare beneath him.

His dark eyes devour the sight of you, hunger etched all over his features as his fingers trace feather-light patterns over your skin. “All mine,” he whispers, the words more reverent than possessive, a quiet declaration of something deeper than lust. His lips follow the path of his fingertips, pressing slow, lingering kisses up your inner thigh, his pace torturously unhurried. He thinks he has all the time in the world.

You’re drenched, your body trembling with need. He exhales sharply with an undercurrent of amusement peaking through. His fingers ghost over your slick folds, spreading them open for a better look. “So wet, baby. I don’t even think you need me to prep you.” The teasing lilt in his voice makes you whimper, and the featherlight press of his lips against your clit sends a jolt through your body.

“No, Yunie, please.” The nickname slips from your lips in your desperation, your voice breathless, utterly undone. You love his cock and the need to get fucked is actually unbearable, but honestly, you love how he plays with you. His laughter is warm against your skin, the vibration making your toes curl. He’s so close but so out of reach that it’s almost painful.

His hand tightens on your thigh, spreading you wider for him as he trails deliberate kisses across your core. The heat of his tongue dragging over you makes your breath stutter, and your hands fly to his hair, fingers weaving through the soft strands, tugging, pulling him closer. He groans at the sensation, the sound sending a fresh pulse of arousal through you.

“Tell me what you need, Y/N,” he coaxes, his voice low, husky, vibrating against you as his tongue continues its agonisingly slow exploration, like a tourist with weeks left of their holiday.

“F-fingers,” you gasp, shame abandoned in favour of pure desire. “I want your fingers.”

He hums in mock contemplation, dragging the pads of his fingers along your entrance. “These fingers?” The playful edge to his voice is maddening but before you can protest, he pushes two fingers inside you, slow but insistent. Your mouth falls open, head tilting back as pleasure washes over you. He watches you intently, his gaze dark and fixed on the way your body reacts to him.

Watching you wriggle and writhe gets him hard, his cock swelling with lust and pride. You’re so responsive to his touches that it’s addicting, it makes him want to just play with your pretty pussy forever. And honestly? If his cock wasn’t so greedy, he would.

As his fingers curl, finding that perfect spot, a shudder wracks through you. You grip his sheets as you arch, simultaneously trying to escape while seeking more. Your body erupts with excitement as it feels Jaeyun’s lips back on your cunt, making out with it gently, working in tandem with his fingers to coax an orgasm from you.

“You taste amazing, baby,” he compliments sincerely, lapping you up like a thirsty pup. “So fucking sweet.”

You’ve never believed him when he says that, but the way he groans into your pussy and slurps at you like you’re the last remnants of a Capri Sun, you’re inclined to believe him. You boyfriend worships you, adores everything about you and that includes your pretty slick.

Jaeyun’s biggest fear is drowning but if he was to be sucked under into an ocean of your essence, he will happily let his lungs fill with liquid. 

Groaning, Jaeyun huffs into your pussy, his fingers curling as if he’s calling you forward - or rather, you orgasm. The tip of his fingers scrape along the soft part of your walls and you squeal out, trying to run away, the sensation too much to handle.

“Shhh, baby,” he soothes, kissing softly to your clit, a tender gesture compared to the grip one of his hands has on you to keep you in place. “Was it too much?”

He peers up at you through his lashes and sees you nodding desperately, chest heaving and eyes rolling in a daze. He has you exactly where he wants you; on the brink. He just needs to push your buttons once more to get you soaking his features with your juices.

Picking up his pace, he laughs into your folds as he jackhammers it home and you thighs instantly clamp him into place. He’s in heaven. This is what being a saint gets people - not an eternity in paradise but the opportunity to suffocate between their lover’s legs.

“Gonna cum for me already, Princess? So soon?” His muffled voice drips with satisfaction, but he doesn’t relent. He adds another finger, stretching you in the most delicious way, his tongue flicking against your clit in perfect synchronisation with his thrusts.

Your walls tighten, your body teetering on the precipice. “Let go, angel,” he murmurs, his voice thick with lust. That’s all it takes - his fingers thrusting, his tongue teasing, the sheer dominance in his voice. Your orgasm crashes over you, a broken cry of his name spilling from your lips as pleasure floods through you.

He doesn’t stop until your body begins to tremble with overstimulation, his movements slowing, easing you through the aftershocks. You’re lost in the labyrinth of euphoria and you need him to help you out, to guide you back to reality as he gently pulls out his fingers. His mouth still showers your core with gentle kisses, though. 

He’s not so cruel to rip everything away from you just yet.

After a few moments of panting and gasping for oxygen, you push yourself up on your elbows, eyes locking onto him. His lips glisten with you, his expression dark and unreadable, pride evident in the way he studies you. The image sears itself into your memory, something to cling to when he’s not by your side.

“You’re so fucking hot when you cum like that,” he murmurs, kissing his way up your body, each press of his lips softer than the last. “Like I’m the only one who can do that to you.”

You let out a breathy laugh, fingers threading through his hair, pushing the damp strands from his face. “Jaeyun, you are the only one I’ve ever had sex with so yes, you are the only one who can do that to me.”

He chuckles, his forehead pressing to your stomach, but his next words make your heart clench. “And I’ll always be the only one. You’re mine forever, Y/N.”

The heaviness of his words sits uncomfortably on your chest. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know what’s coming.

Before he can notice the shift in your expression, you push it down, forcing a sultry smirk. “Then fuck me. Show me exactly what you can do.”

His pupils darken and expand, melting into unrestrained desire. He reaches for the drawer, retrieving an ultra-thin condom, slipping it on with impatient ease. He won’t lie, he’s desperate to be engulfed by you, so in a flash, the head of his cock drags along your folds before pressing against your entrance, teasing. A sharp gasp escapes your lips at the sensation, need pooling low in your stomach.

“Say please, and I’ll think about it,” he taunts you, his voice smug, but you know he’s just as needy -  if not more.

“Please,” you whisper, “Please fuck me, Jaeyun.” The plea is barely past your lips before he captures them in a searing kiss, pushing into you with a deep, slow stroke, his hips rolling beautifully flush against you.

A ragged breath leaves him as he bottoms out, your walls squeezing around him in a way that makes his jaw slacken and eyes scrunch shut. His pace is slow at first, allowing you to adjust to him for at least a few minutes before restraint gives way to need. His thrusts grow more urgent, more demanding, and his left hand finds yours, fingers intertwining, a silent tether that brings you even closer together.

His lips brush against your pinky, a soft kiss against the silver ring he gave you, a promise to always be yours embedded in the gesture. And before you know it, it’s all too much and you begin to cry feel the tears before you realise you’re crying. 

All your emotions come out at once due to his sweet actions because suddenly it’s too hard to bottle everything up. The love, the fear, the disappointment, the guilt, the anguish. It’s all flooding from your eyes as your heart bursts with ache.

Jaeyun notices how your chest begins to vibrate, and not in the gasping for air because he’s fucking you so good kind of way. No. It’s shaking through sobs and he immediately pauses his ministrations.

“Hey,” he kisses your tears, his voice laced with concern. “Princess, are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

You shake your head, swallowing the lump in your throat as you try and rid yourself of the abundance of emotion. “No, baby,” your voice wobbles, raw and filled with everything you can’t say. “I just love you so much, that’s all.”

Jaeyun has his doubts for a second, your eyes glinting in sadness - it’s so fast he almost doesn’t catch it. But concern is washed away as you lean up to kiss him, soft and gentle. The love in your lips conveying enough to put his mind at ease. 

Drawing back and brushing the tears from your cheeks, Jaeyun smiles down at you. “You had me worried, sweetheart.” He presses a soft kiss to your forehead. “I love you too. Till my last dying breath, okay?”

Your heart twists painfully, but his slow thrusts pull you back to the moment, grounding you in the way he moves, in the way he makes you feel.

And right now, that’s all that matters.

He groans against your ear, his pace growing rougher, more desperate now that he knows your okay. The heat between you is overwhelming, bodies moving in sync, chasing that inevitable bliss. His hand slips between you, fingers finding your swollen clit, rubbing tight, pressuered circles.

“You’re gonna cum for me again, aren’t you?” His voice is thick, strained with pleasure. “I can feel it. Let me have it, baby.”

The pressure builds, overwhelming, the pleasure winding so tightly it feels like you might snap apart. His name falls from your lips like a prayer, his thrusts driving deeper, hitting all the right places. And then it happens again - the coil within you shatters, pleasure crashing over you in waves, your entire body trembling beneath him.

He groans loudly as he nuzzles into the crook of your neck, your release pulling him over the edge with you. His thrusts turning erratic as his control frays and he follows you into bliss. His body stills, buried deep inside you, his breath coming in ragged pants against you, spilling into the condom.

For a moment, neither of you move, caught in the haze of each other. Then, with a shaky laugh, he presses a lingering kiss to your lips. “Perfect,” he murmurs, still breathless. “You’re perfect.”

You curl into him, letting the warmth of his body envelop you, not one of you bothering to part just yet - enjoying the intimacy of just being connected to one another like this.

If only you could stay like this forever.

________

The morning sun spills through Jaeyun’s window, casting a dawning glow over the room. Your boyfriend’s body is draped over yours, the warmth of his bare skin pressed against you like a safety you know you can no longer allow yourself to have. His breath is slow and steady, the rise and fall of his chest soothing as he sleeps peacefully, a contrast to how you are feeling right now. 

The silver ring on his pinky glints in the sunlight, catching your eye like a cruel reminder of what you are about to do. Why the fuck didn’t you tell him last night?

You now have one more day with him - one more chance to hold onto this love - but after last night, you know you can’t risk another second in his presence.

Every inch of you screams that this is a mistake. If you love him this much, surely you can make long distance work. But it’s just not that simple. You’ve already made your choice, and now you have to live with it. 

Jaeyun will be fine. Busan is full of beautiful girls - girls who are interesting, spectacular, and everything he will need in a partner. He won’t need you anymore. He will find someone else, someone who won’t run. 

Deep down, you know this will hurt him, but he’s strong. He’ll get over it.

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you slip out from under his arm as gently as possible, heart clenching in panic when he stirs - luckily for you doesn’t wake up. You keep your movements careful, as if the universe might give you more time if you just move slowly enough. Every glance at him - his tousled hair, his puffy lips that you love to kiss so much parted slightly in sleep - makes it harder to breathe. 

You are so stupid for this. Leaving him because you are terrified of losing him later on. It’s ridiculous and you’re being selfish.

I can’t do long distance. His voice echoes in your brain, pushing down your apprehensions regarding your next decision.

Your fingers tremble as you slide the ring off your pinky. Despite only having it for a few hours, it feels wrong that it’s gone. You hesitate, just for a second, before placing it on his dresser. The thought of leaving a note crosses your mind, but as Jaeyun shifts in his sleep, you realise there’s no time. You need to go before you lose your last bit of resolve.

Placing a gentle kiss on his forehead, you hold back tears. He looks so innocent and unaware…you can’t imagine what he’ll be like once he wakes up. You can’t be here for that. 

So you get dressed quickly, shuffling down his stairs and out the front door. You’re met with the sharp bite of the morning air. The sun is dulling and the wind carries an unforgiving chill that cuts through you. You already know it’s going to pour later. As if the universe is mourning your decision before you can.

Your phone vibrates in your pocket. You pull it out, hands still shaking, scared that he’s noticed already. But surprisingly, it’s from Avanti.

Dear Y/N L/N,

Mail: From: Avanti College

RE: Housing Enquiry.

I am responding to your inquiry regarding accommodation. The room is available as of today, however, there is no concierge available to give you your keys as there has been a slight altercation in housing arrangements. Your assigned roommate has been made aware of your occupancy and will let you in once you arrive. Your key should be ready for you next week. Sorry about the miscommunication as I know you are eager to get settled.

Kind Regards,Cho Min WooHead of Accommodation and Living.

You let out a breath you hadn’t realised you were holding. It’s done. You have somewhere to go. No turning back now. 

You start running. You need to grab your bag, book the bus, and go before your heart betrays you. No hesitation. No overthinking. Just leave.

Thankfully, you had packed days ago, anticipating that you might need to flee at a moment’s notice, feelings overwhelming causing you to overthink and overpack. But you can’t just disappear. If you vanish without a trace, your parents will panic, call the cops or do something drastic. But if you tell them where you’re going, they will for sure tell Jaeyun your whereabouts. The last thing you need is him chasing after you, sacrificing everything to run to you.

Once you’re home, you grab a notepad and scribble a rushed message to your parents. You don’t explain, don’t justify. Just the bare minimum: you need a fresh start in a new city. You need space, everything too overwhelming. It’s not much, but it’s enough for them to know you’ll be safe.

You sign your name with a shaking hand, placing hugs and kisses as if that will ease the blow.

This is it. No more seeing your room. No more home-cooked meals. No more Jaeyun.

You’ve fucked up so badly, but you have to see this through. You made your bed, now it’s time to lie in it.

___

The bus jam packed. You were lucky to get one of the last two seats on the coach bound for Pyeongchang. The hum of conversation surrounds you but you don’t earwig on any of it. Your hands won’t stop shaking as you stare at your phone, scrolling through the endless missed calls and messages.

Incoming Call: my love <3

You watch it ring until it stops. Then you scroll through the notifications.

Missed Call (67) my love <3Missed Call (34) dadMissed Call (23) mum

Your chest tightens as you finally open Jaeyun’s messages.

The messages go on and on, each one more desperate than the last. Your vision blurs with tears as you scroll down. The latest ones, sent only minutes ago, send a shiver down your spine.

07:30am princess, where are you?

07:30am are you coming back to bed? xx

07:49am Y/N, i’m getting worried.

07:52am pick up your phone, baby. please talk to me.

07:52am if i pushed you too far yesterday, i’m sorry…

08:16am why are your parents saying you’ve left?

08:16am baby, don’t do this.

08:17 m what does your letter mean? ‘I need a fresh start from everyone and everything’??

08:17am you aren’t leaving, right? you’re not leaving me, are you?

08:23am please, please, please.

10:32 am i ill search every part of this country until i find you.10:32 am you can’t expect me to just forget about you. 

10:35 am: will you please answer your fucking phone!10:47 am Y/N…i can’t make you answer me, or love me, but please just know i love you and i’m sorry for whatever i did. i’m leaving for Busan in two weeks so you should come home then. you won’t hear from me again but don’t leave your parents like this, baby. they can’t lose you.10:48 am I can’t lose you either to be honest but if it’s what you want…I’ll go.

Another message appears just as the tears spill over onto your cheeks.

10:51 am i love you so fucking much, Y/N. i won’t ever stop. my heart is yours, always. until the sun stops burning.

A sob rips from your throat, loud and raw. The sound fills the bus, drawing the attention of every passenger. You slap a hand over your mouth, bowing in silent apology as the embarrassment burns hot in your chest. Then, without another thought, you block his number.

You will get a new phone when you reach Pyeongchang. A fresh start. No more attachments. No more looking back.

But as the bus pulls away from the station, leaving your past behind, you press your forehead against the window and let the tears fall.

Jaeyun will be fine.

Eventually, he will be fine.

You just have to keep telling yourself that.

_______

Jaeyun’s heart has not stopped breaking since you’ve left, the pieces crumbling in a silence so loud it nearly suffocates him. He believed, with every fibre of his being, that the future you painted together was real - that your love is something solid, something unbreakable. To learn that you have already planned a life without him, that you are gone without a word, tears through him like a blade. 

It fucking hurts - not just in his chest, but deep, right down to his bones. He can’t find the strength to confront it, can’t make sense of what’s happening. 

Had he misunderstood? Had he pushed you into a life you didn’t want? Had his love, his promises, meant nothing to you? He can’t reconcile the girl he has spent so many nights dreaming of a future with, the girl who smiled at him through late-night talks about forever, with the one who has left him behind without a trace.

When he pulls into the driveway of his home after spending hours searching for you, he sees Heeseung’s car is there, an unwelcome reminder that the world has unfortunately keeps moving while his has shattered. He doesn’t have the energy to face his friend, not now, not when every thought in his head is tangled up in confusion and heartbreak. 

He loves Heeseung, of course he does, but right now, he needs to be alone. He needs to think and process, try and make sense of the wreckage of the morning. But he trudges up the stairs regardless, ignoring his parents’ concerned questions, ‘Where have you been?’, ‘Are you okay?’. He doesn’t know anything other than the fact that he has a hole in his chest.

Pushing his bedroom door open, Heeseung’s voice meets him with a bitter cheerfulness - clear he hasn’t noticed the way Jaeyun’s eyes are still swollen from the tears. “Jake, my man! How did it go? You went radio silent last night, so I’m assuming that means things went well,” Heeseung wiggles his brows as he waits for the fairytale update from his best friend.

But that’s the last thing he’ll receive today. The fairytale quickly turned into a Brothers Grimm nightmare.

Jaeyun’s gaze is fixed on the floor, his head hung low to hide the evidence of his heartache - not that it does much good. His throat is tight, his words caught behind a wall of emotion he can’t seem to break through. This makes Heeseung perk to attention, finally seeing the distress.

“Jake?” Heeseung’s voice softens, concern lining it now. “You okay?”

Jaeyun can’t answer, his eyes fixated on the silver ring. The one that belongs to you. The one meant to seal your futures together. It sits on his bedside table taunting and bitter. A new wave of sadness floods him and he tilts his head back in an attempt to stifle the tears, but they come anyway, hot and relentless. 

The sight of it is too much and Jaeyun’s remaining composure cracks. The sobs are impossible to control now, and Heeseung, without hesitation, pulls him into a tight embrace, squeezing him tightly. He holds him as if he could absorb some of the hurt, but nothing will ease this ache.

“She…left,” Jaeyun manages to choke out, the words hardly forming in his mouth before the tears take over.

Heeseung freezes, a stunned silence hanging between them. His hands grip Jaeyun’s shoulders, pulling him back to look at him with disbelief. “What do you mean, she left?”

Jaeyun’s voice breaks, his chest heaving with each ragged, uncontrollable sobs. “She left everything. Me, us...her family…she left it all behind.”

The words seem to cut deeper than the pain itself. Heeseung’s face twists in confusion, his jaw tightening. This is not like you. You wouldn’t go anywhere without Jaeyun let alone leave him without even so much as a goodbye. She’s been kidnapped is Heeseung’s first thought but thats ludicrous. This isn’t a Liam Neeson film.

“Let me call her,” he offers, reaching for his phone, though he knows it’s futile.

“No use,” Jaeyun replies, his voice hollow, devoid of any emotion other than pure agony. “She won’t answer. It’s gone straight to voicemail. Not even her mum can reach her.”

With shaky hands, Jaeyun pulls the note you wrote for your parents from his jeans pocket, handing it to Heeseung in silence. As his friend reads it, Jaeyun turns towards the ring on the table, staring at it as though it were a foreign object. His fingers tremble as he picks it up, turning it over and over in his hands. Every promise he made to you - each word, each moment spent dreaming of a shared future - feels like a cruel joke now. 

The ring should have been reassurance. Hadn’t it been? 

Why would you fucking leave?

Heeseung’s voice breaks through his thoughts, sharp and angry. “What the fuck?” The elder is pacing now, holding the letter like it’s something foul. “What the fuck is she thinking?”

His quetsion is met with a shrug from the heartbroken boy.

“So she didn’t accept the ring and decided to just fuck off?”

Jaeyun shakes his head, the tears flowing freely now, blurring his vision. “She accepted it. Last night was perfect. It was this morning that she left.” He meets Heeseung’s gaze, a tear slipping down his cheek. “What did I do wrong, Hee?”

Nothing. Heeseung knows he did absolutely nothing wrong. He can see the pain in Jaeyun’s eyes, he can feel the weight of his friend’s heartache pressing in on him. It’s suffocating and clinging to every fibre of the room.

With a frustrated sigh, Heeseung pulls Jaeyun into another hug, holding him tighter this time, trying to ground him. Jaeyun has always been the one with the softer heart, and right now, that heart is breaking in a way that even Heeseung can’t fix.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Jake. I don’t get what’s going on in her head, but you didn’t mess up. She’s just-”

But Jaeyun pushes back, his voice low and protective as he cuts his best friend off from saying something he’ll regret. “Don’t. Don’t talk about her like that. You don’t know her. She wouldn’t do this without a reason.”

“And what? She couldn’t tell you what the reason was and instead pussied out and left?” Heeseung is seeing red. “She should have told you she was leaving last night before she got your hopes up and accepted that ring, no? That’s fucked up.” 

Jaeyun knows somewhere in his heart that Heeseung is right, but his love for you is still as strong as ever and his instincts kick in to defend you. He pushes Heeseung away, his voice dangerously quiet. “Fuck you. You don’t get to speak about her like that. I might not understand it now, but I don’t doubt in my mind she did it for a reason she thought was valid. She wouldn’t have told me last night to protect my feelings.” 

Heeseung’s eyes flare with frustration, and for a moment, it seems like he might say something else. But instead, he scoffs, his words bitter. “Yeah? Well, how does it feel now? Do your feelings feel protected?” Silence. The whole house is still as he scoffs and sticks his tongue in his cheek, landing the final blow. “Think about that and tell me she did this out of love for you.” 

Jaeyun stands in stunned silence as Heeseung storms out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Jaeyun’s fists clench at his sides. How can Heeseung speak like that, when he doesn’t know the real reason behind your departure? Jaeyun is furious, but there’s something else - something even more painful. He’s envious of Heeseung’s anger. He wishes he could just let it all out like that, wishes he could scream and rage, but instead, he just lets the pain sit, lets it fester. He needs a few more days of this hurt, of this confusion, before he can face what’s coming.

And what’s coming…is a life without you in it.

taglist: @yzzyhee @dollyyun @sunpov @dreamy-carat

@ioveseong @katarinamae @viagumi @jakeswifez

@shuichi-sama @m1kkso @no1likeneo @pshfan0812

@fancypeacepersona @hoonieyun @jaepen @lovingvoidgoatee

@parksunghoonsgf @capri-cuntz @yvnempire @mei3425

@enhastolemyheart @ikeulove @riribelle @nshmrarki

@firstclassjaylee @ikeuwoniee @ang0308 @jaykesgirl @addictedtohobi

@jayeoniee @jakessrealwife @zyvlxqht

[cosmiccannibalcamille]

How to Survive 2024 Mercury Retrograde in Virgo & Leo

What: Mercury Retrograde in Virgo & Leo

When: Aug. 4 - Aug. 28, 2024

Who’s Impacted: EVERYONE, but esp. Virgo, Leo, Gemini, and Aquarius

Takeaway: A forced slow down and reassessment of your writing projects, travel plans, and everyday communications. Subscribe

     There’s a decision every astrologer must make in their forecasts: to be real, to be Pollyanna, or to be doom-and-gloom. I aim to be real and proactive, with a tinge of Pollyanna optimism about astrological transits, because I don’t believe astrology is here to ruin or run your life. In fact, I believe that when armed with the themes and potential struggles of planetary transits, you can better work with them, you can use them to better your life. But above all else, I believe YOU have power over your own life. I don’t believe the “stars” dictate your decisions anymore than your Mom does (unless you’re a Cancer, of course). 

     That said, I don’t want you to fear this (or any) Mercury Retrograde. This is a transit that happens three times a year; which means it’s a normal part of the astrological cycle. That also means that it isn’t something to fear, fret over, or fuss about. (I mean, it’s happening in Virgo, so there will likely be some fussing—but you know what I mean.) Will it be a little messy? Probably. Is it still an opportunity? Abso-fucking-lutely. So, let’s unpack why this is, shall we?

Mercury Retrograde in Virgo: An OS Overhaul

     Virgo is the sign of precision, detail, and efficiency. It’s like that diligent system admin who’s always optimizing, debugging, and fine-tuning every aspect of the operating system of your life. When Mercury is in Virgo, it’s like having a high-speed processor that makes everything run seamlessly. But during Mercury retrograde? It can feel like your OS decides to install a series of untested updates. They can wreak havoc on your once-flawless system—if you ignore the notifications blaring in your face about upgrading. (That’s mostly for me, because I’m the WORST at upgrading my apps.) 

     How to avoid havoc? First, run a diagnostic check. Just as you would run a diagnostic on a glitchy OS, take time to assess where things are going haywire. Identify areas of your life that need extra attention and care. If things feel overwhelming or convoluted, it’s probably because you’re trying to run too many programs. So, close all those browser windows and clear the cache. Your mind can quickly get bogged down with too many details, too many projects, too many thoughts. Clear the mental cache by taking breaks, slowing down, or simply stepping away from overwhelming tasks. Fresh eyes can solve many problems. 

   When Mercury Retrograde hits Virgo, perfectionism panic is practically inevitable. Your inner critic might go into overdrive, spotting flaws everywhere, even where none exist. (Olympian Caeleb Dressel, who has natal Moon & Mercury in Virgo, talked about his OWN experience with this inner critic.) This hyper-awareness can lead to analysis paralysis, where decisions you usually make in a snap suddenly feel like life-or-death scenarios. And don’t even get me started on tech tantrums—your meticulously planned schedules and lists could go haywire thanks to those pesky tech glitches. But remember: it’s not all doom and gloom. This is a cosmic nudge to let go of the need for everything to be perfect. Because spoiler alert: it never will be.

Mercury Retrograde in Leo: Star Power

     Mercury in Leo is all about bold self-expression, confidence, and a flair for the dramatic. But when it goes retrograde, expect the drama to hit a new high. Your inner diva might rear its head, leading to ego clashes and misunderstandings. Everyone wants to be the star, but there’s only one spotlight, and it’s flickering! Public missteps and foot-in-mouth moments become almost inevitable, making you feel like you’re trapped in a never-ending blooper reel.

     Indeed, Mercury Retrograde in Leo can feel like an unscripted reality show where everyone’s vying for the spotlight. Ego clashes are probable. Misunderstandings fueled by pride will be the main act. And that brilliant creative idea / creative project you’ve been nursing? It might feel stuck in your head, leading to frustrating creative blocks. The likelihood of having public missteps (or metldown) is higher than average, so beware of saying something cringe-worthy in the heat of the moment—or worse, on social media! With Mercury Retrograde in Leo, it can seem like you’ve been handed a microphone with a faulty connection, and your words aren’t coming out as intended.

     So, how do you survive this two-week cosmic drama without becoming a meme-worthy disaster? First, think before you speak. Save yourself from unnecessary drama and embarrassing slip-ups by pausing before you open your mouth (or penning that post). Next, channel your creativity and mental heat constructively. Leo is a fire sign, and fire signs can get overheated FAST. Meltdowns, either mental or technological, could happen; but they can also be avoided when you channel your frustration, anger, and/or irritation into creative / playful / performative acts. Sing. Dance. Play tennis. Do SOMETHING physical. Oh, and be sure to revisit and refine your creative projects. That stuck idea? It’s a chance to polish it to perfection. That frustration? It’s a sign you’re not expressing yourself the way you’d like.

This is a condensed excerpt. Get the FULL SCOOP on Mercury Retrograde in Virgo & Leo on The Cosmic Almanac:

[crystalelemental]

Ongoing Nexomon. We’ve reached the second overseer. I’m trying to stay at my wife’s progress. This was her game, she should have one I don’t know all about beforehand.

Some interesting revelations have been made.

First: there are only 7 types. It finally clicked that the starters are the only types when I got a Wind moth thing that has Poison Sting, which is registered as a Plant move, and Sheral learned a poison-inflicting move that was Water. Poison is just a status. There aren’t other types. That is. Interesting.

There are apparently 310 creatures in this game, and per the records, many do not evolve. So there’s a ton of creature variety with like no type variety, because dual types don’t seem to exist. Absolutely fascinating decision-making.

What gets really interesting is that, with only seven types and access to six creatures in a team...you have perfect coverage if you use one of each type, with one exception. You might think "Ditch normal" because it has no strengths or weaknesses, but Normal Nexomon all seem to learn one (1) type of secondary attack type, and therefore substitute in for that type. So for example, I found a cat thing, Basten, who has Fire-type moves, and use that instead of a Fire-type. "Is that good?" Near as I can tell, there's no equivalent Same Type Attack Bonus like in Pokemon, so your offense is just your offense. You retain all the offensive benefits, with none of the weaknesses of that type. The trade is, of course, that you don't resist anything, but frankly good trade. It makes for a fun system where Normal as a type has legitimate value.

Rarity seems to determine stats. Commons have kind shit stats, Uncommon better, Rare good, and Mega Rare are super overpowered. There are also Special, which is the rank of your starter, and it turns out you can find the starters as well, they're just even rarer. I didn't intend to look things up, but I did look up which screen Fleecius was on because my wife found it and I figured I'd try to collect the rare stuff so I don't push past her progress. And accidentally found out that there are like...legendary creatures that just show up randomly sometimes, depending on how many you have registered, and are stupid powerful. Which is. Interesting. Extremely rare, but if you do bump into them they're like immediate game winners.

Despite this, it doesn't feel like anything is unusuable, per se. Some of the commons feel a little underwhelming, but at the same time, some of the Uncommons feel stronger than rare. I mentioned Alpoca earlier, just because it leaves such an impression. Damage numbers aren't exceptional, but the ability to confuse off its basic attack lets that thing win fights it otherwise should not. Again status is strong.

Damage numbers are high regardless. Every attack feels like it deals some heavy damage, unless resisted. This creates an interesting situation where even much lower levels can be a bit of a threat if you switch in to them. In compensation, your under-leveled stuff can be easily caught up, thanks to high EXP yields when you don't switch around, and a level up restoring all HP and stamina for ease of grinding.

Status is absurdly powerful. It’s temporary, inaccurate, but devastating. Bind and paralysis just completely shut down the opponent’s ability to act, same as sleep. Poison is just damage, no idea if burn decreases damage, but since all damage is off Atk, I doubt it. The most insane is Confuse. It not only denies the attack guaranteed, it deals damage. Which is outrageous.

There are some system issues I have. Not being able to look up locations of Nexomon in the Database is a massive problem, given how many there are, and how hard it is to just find a regular Rare, much less the Mega Rare or Special types. It's impossible to know where anything is. Trapping mechanics feel similar to Pokemon, in that being on death's door and asleep doesn't guarantee shit. Accuracy is also really confusing, as are secondary effect rates. It'll show moves with like 80 and the little target symbol I assume is accuracy, but it'll hit with hilarious consistency. Other times they'll have a damage move with a 40 and it'll hit literally every time, which makes me assume it's the rate of secondary effect. But my Spink has a move with a bind effect and a 90, but it's hit every time and never once inflicted Bind. So I have literally no idea how to interpret that number. I assume it's bugged or something.

My wife's been cycling through some things on her team. She started with Vulazy, and managed to find Velokitti. Alpoca is kind of her baby child, so I don't think she's getting rid of that. Gemir is another she's a big fan of. The rest is in flux. She wants to find the fire skunk starter, which admittedly was a really cute one. Otherwise she's just leveling to see some evolutions for things that evolve early. Clobolt is her current project.

My team started with Velokitti, and has Basten and Silkmaid as my guaranteed never leaving the team babies. I'm currently running Sheril for Water, Frulf because I got lucky finding it but I'm not attached, and Spink for Plant which is sufficiently cute but there have been a few Plant I'm attached to so no promises even though it too is Mega Rare.

[taromilksnake]

8:52pm not a bad day all together

though the weekend kind of blurred together

changes / stressors (for better and for worse):

moved apartments and not feeling at ease until the house feels like me, having to make executive decisions on taste and aesthetics, not to mention coordinating moving stuff and deciding if the price is worth it, if i’m “settling” etc (on the forefront: bed, bedframe, curtains, couch, table, rug)

having not sold/donated stuff i don’t need anymore, like the bedframe and other stuff. my sewing machine weighs heavy on me, and not having much to do at home beyond eat and sleep (because my art stuff is all put away) i think is also not helping

experiencing loneliness in a slightly new way, now that anthony is part of my life. its really nice, its honestly "successful" at a pace beyond what i even imagined, and maybe that is part of what unsettles me. when you suddenly reach your dreams, you dont know how to live them…

more seriously considering therapy means its no longer just a hypothetical, but also something that is actionable and therefore a directive. that one comic about being bombarded by “i should…” sure is right, though i’ve gotten a lot better about it

creeping on the horizon — adhd diagnosis, medication, top surgery. i want to have my supports already without having to go through that process. lito is a model at least. the adhd piece is it’s own can of worms, as in the fear of being disbelieved, uncertainty myself, being too good at masking to be helped, etc

dental care, and navigating health insurance in general (re: HRT, top surgery, therapy, adhd diagnosis and medication, dentist visits for cavities)

lonely lonely time!! disconnected from friends, i can hit up lanchi, or even dean, but i don’t know how. or, i’m afraid to. lito and teresa are also there too, though the lack of consistency is a little intimidating and disheartening. 2 way street for everyone, so i guess it’s ok either way. it would be a good idea to just do it when you want, never mind trying to make a habit of it. you can just do it and then stop

relatedly, seeing maggie and mariam and kelly on their various vacations and activities with their family and friends just make me feel like im behind in life. anthony too, more so for him b/c it’s like, confirmed that he has so, so many friends. it’s a common feeling i know, and dave and sherry and julia are right there with me, but it still is not easy. the insecurity of being unneeded is also tough, though i try not to dwell on that

not being so solution-oriented in general? which is tricky, because it can turn recursive real fast. how do i find the solution to the problem of me being too solution-oriented? 😵‍💫 it’s kinda silly, but it’s not fun or funny. mediating and letting myself feel and think whatever i do is hard, i’m realizing this now. i keep wanting to run away, into media, into distractions, into romance and intimacy and sex, all of which makes me feel bad and ashamed

as an aside, being able to sit in the bath whenever i want is nice. this is the second time now today

overall, i think i’m on the cusp of life becoming a lot, lot better. thinking it as a possibility is hard, because realizing i have to make it happen is hard. work feels strange and confusing and hard, probably because i’m getting more clarity and so becoming more aware of my incompetencies (and experiencing some paralysis because of that).

there’s been a lot of change in my life, and lanchis wedding feels like a lifetime ago. thinking of that though, i remember us in high school talking about all living around LA area, and visiting and keeping in touch…it can still happen. anthony can meet lanchi and dean, even. i want to remember that everything mattered because everything lead me to here, and here will only lead me to a better and happier life, too. a part of me feels it, no matter what happens. teaching will get easier too, there’s lots of examples of that. don’t forget that i love you and i’m rooting for you, always always always. things will turn up soon enough, and you will have a wonderful house to live in and you will host your friends and everyone will have a great time. just be patient with yourself and take your time. today you had fun out in the grass, and you were brave and took the plunge to get your work done too. be proud of that. once you think it, it will eventually happen, so don’t worry too much about it as everything will work out. go relax and have fun, do things on impulse :)

[drtanner]

So before I hit the sack tonight I want to gush for a just a second, just this one time, because I finally got my ADHD meds today and took them for the first time and jesus fucking christ, it's been wild. I didn't know what to expect going into this at all, but I'm over the moon with my first experience of it, lmao.

I'm on the elvanse/vyvanse, or lisdexamfetamine if you fancy trying to say that five times fast, because apparently that one lasts Long and I would like to have to remember to take pills as infrequently as possible. I had one (1) Real Adult Human Job to do today, which was to tidy and dust my coffee table. I am going to tell you how I got on with it, about an hour and twenty minutes after I took my first dose.

I will preface this by saying that the state of my coffee table was very much exemplary of my ADHD issues. It had become the dumping ground for anything I couldn't immediately decide what to do with or how to deal with, which is a lot of things given that one of the major problems my ADHD gives me is decision paralysis! If the answer isn't immediately obvious, my brain just checks out and the decision just ends up getting abandoned; the coffee table was piled high with all kinds of shit that had fallen victim to this phenomenon, letters and tools and knick-knacks and what have you that had no immediately obvious home or that needed something doing with them before they could be used or put away, all of them gathering dust for having remained there, wholly untouched, for so long, and because there was so much of it, I would then get decision paralysis about where to start chipping away at it as well and the problem just had no solution at all. It was, to make no bones about it, a fucking shitshow.

But suddenly I just sort of knew what to do with things? Every time I picked something up off the coffee table, it was suddenly just very, very easy to decide where it should go? It wasn't tiring or difficult or anything, it was just me, starting at the top of the pile without even thinking about it, grabbing shit and going OH, THIS NEEDS TO GO IN THE DRAWER. THIS NEEDS TO GO IN MY FILE. THIS NEEDS TO GO IN THE BIN and so on like it was the simplest and most obvious thing in the fucking world. Suddenly I just knew what to do, which I realise implies in some way that previously I didn't know what to do, and of course I did, of course I knew what to do, but I guess it's a lot like it is when you're trying to have conversations about things you're knowledgeable about when you have ADHD in that the information is absolutely there in your brain, but you can never seem to recall it when you actually need it.

But yeah, no. I found permanent homes for all kinds of little bits and pieces, I fixed things that needed fixing and cleaned everything that needed cleaning and it was, for the first time in my life, blessedly easy to do. I found letters from fucking 2019 at the bottom of the heap, for fucks sake. There was a fucking dried leaf in there. A leaf, from a fucking tree. The skipping rope I'd been putting off using because the (adjustable!!) cable rope was too long has now been adjusted and put in a proper place, ready to be used. My set of hand grippers all have a permanent, tidy place to live and are ready to go as well. Everything's clean and like, still cluttered, but in a nice and intentional way rather than the objectively awful way it was before. It is fucking insane how quick and easy all of this was to achieve. I'm still reeling, honestly. Is this how it is for NTs? Is this how life is supposed to feel? I guess it must be. Fucking wild.

Also I actually had conversations with a couple of my neighbours and I could, like, hear everything they said? Because I was listening?? It doesn't usually work like that! Usually when I'm having a spoken conversation with someone I lose fully half of what they say and I have to kind of piece it together from the context of the other half that I actually do catch and make my best guess, which is not a fun way to have conversations, to say the least. But again, having a conversation was easy, listening was easy, remembering what I was talking about and going back to it when we got a little sidetracked was easy. I stumbled over my words less, my knowledge came to the front of my mind when I needed it, I didn't forget what I was going to say a half-second before I got to say it. To say that I could stand to get used to this is a gross understatement.

The only downside I've had so far is that about five or so hours after I took that first dose, I got a very, very mild headache and straight away thought OH, I BET THAT'LL GO AWAY IF I EAT SOMETHING LOL, so I did, and it did, and that was it! I took it pretty late and, again, it lasts Long, so I'm anticipating that I might have some issues getting to sleep tonight, but that'd be no different from normal honestly so I'm not too torn up about it.

I really hope this keeps up. I might actually be able to get this book written before I fucking die if I keep getting results like this, lmao.

[perpetual-stories]

Deadly Poisons to Use in Your Next Story: Part One

Hey, everyone. So I’m taking a bit of a break from grammar tips. Instead, I decided to research some deadly poisons. The use of poison has been a method of centuries-old murder tactics. If you feel like writing a period piece and think murder would be an excellent addition to your story, then sit down kiddos, and let's explore some of the deadliest poisons.

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any decisions or action you decide to take regarding this information. This is for all in good fun for writing. I am in no shape or form teaching anyone how to commit murder.

1. Strychnine: also known as nux vomica, poison nut, semen strychos, and quaker buttons. This plant can grow seeds the produce dramatic and painful symptoms of any known toxic reaction. It's poisoning can cause violent muscular convulsions, rise in blood pleasure and death through asphyxia. Convulsions occur after inhalation or injection very quickly. While ingesting the poison takes about 15 minutes to occur. If taken in a high dose death can occur in 15 minutes to 30 minutes. If strychnine is ingested in smaller doses, other symptoms can occur: seizures, cramping, hyper vigilance, agitation, and stiffness. Potential seizures can occur as early as 15 minutes and last for 12-24 hours! These seizures themselves, can cause other symptoms: overheating, kidney failure, metabolic and respiratory acidosis, and the seizures can be triggered by light, sound, or touch. Some seizure characteristics are protrusion of the eyes, involuntary eye movement, and abnormal eye dilation. It has no antidote. If used properly however, it can alleviate indigestion, increase appetite, and treat constpation.

Toxicity: 97

Medicinial Use: 49

Mortality Rate: 88

Temptation to Use: 20

2. Hemlock: A very famous and well known poison. It is a very dirty and unattractive plant with a bunch of white small flowers, and is known to smell like urine. Symptoms for hemlock include paralysis, collapse of respiratory muscles, and death. Although hemlock is not used to medicinal purposes, there was a time where it was used to treat for rabies, and was used as an antidote for strychnine, but was quickly removed as a possible antidote due to the fine line of beneficial and lethal use.

Toxicity: 95

Medicinial Use: 10

Mortality Rate: 90

Temptation to Use: 5

3. Belladonna: It is scientifically called atropa belladonna, also known as deadly nightshade, and its literal translation means 'pretty woman.' The purple trumpet-shaped flowers, and dark berries peaks the interest to digest and touch the flower, which is actually the more poisonous part of the plant. It's symptoms are dilated pupils, sensitivity to light, blurred vision, tachycardia, loss of balance, staggering, headache, rash, flushing, severely dry mouth, and throat, slurred speech, urinary retention, constipation, confusion, hallucinations, delirium, and convulsions (a long list, I know). Digesting any part of the plant can be fatal if left untreated. Known to be very deadly, but remains harmless to cattle and rabbits. It was also used to relieve Parkinson's at some point.

Toxicity: 80

Medicinial Use: 78

Mortality Rate: 93

Tempation to Use: 100

4. Ricin: Known as the deadliest poison in the world due to its unknown antidote. The highly potent toxin is produced in the seeds of the castor oil plant (no, I use castor oil in my hair!). Any small dose of purified ricin from its seeds can be very fatal, (when used with the right dosage) and easily kills. Symptoms for this inhaling or ingesting this poison includes difficulty breathing, fever, nausea, dehydration, hallucinations, and seizures, followed by death. It can also be use to cure digestive problems and to treat various skin conditions.

Toxicity: 100

Medicinial Use: 64

Mortality Rate: 92

Temptation to Use: 92

5. Mandrake: Is part of the nightshade family, and has been anesthetic in the past for certain civilizations. It was a very sought after plant. The entire plant is deadly and can produce symptoms such as hallucinations, and madness, and hypnotic effects. Ingesting mandrake can have adverse effects such as diarrhea, and vomiting. Legend says that when the root is dug up, the screams of the plan kills all who hear it.

Toxicity: 45

Medicinial Use: 36

Mortality Rate: 53

Temptation to Use: 14

Okay, and that concludes this lesson on Deadly Poisons. I'll make a follow up post very soon about the rest of the poisons. If you find this post useful make sure to reblog or tag me on Instagram if you choose to share it there! My instagram is perpetualstories.

I'll make sure to past Part Two soon, so keep an eye out for that!

Please make sure to follow me on Tumblr and Instagram for more writing, and grammar tips!

[egyptian-sun-god]

Never Have I ever S2

SPOILERS.....Turn back now I’m serious.

I’m waiting....

Okay cool your fault at this point

I was fairly critical of NHIE S1, I won’t lie. And I’ll be real I still stand by the fact that NHIE S1 was fairly meh overall. 

But holy shit, they knocked this season outta the world man. The show really really found its proper footing this season. They were smart to keep the cheating for only two episodes and explore the repercussion for the other 8. 

1.Devi Vishwakumar.

Let’s start with the main character.  Devi still does immensely fucked up shit this season. Dating two boys and have them find out in the MOST humiliating way possible. Yikes. Being a really sucky friend to Aneesa and starting that rumour about her (inadvertently) and pretending to her. Stalking her mother and being possessive of her. The really awful apology that was pretty self centred, a bit not good. 

 But she really does do her best to improve and I am SO proud of that. She uses her father’s advice and apologizes better to Aneesa, she actually handled the Ben and Aneesa dating WAAAAY better than I’ve seen some people handle things like that. I might’ve blown a fuse if two of my friends had 4 tickle fights and had major PDA sessions when we were trying to do a group project. Like she handled that shit fairly well all things considered. Devi actually gets into the beginnings of delving into her trauma and her temporary paralysis and healing from it. I

 really see how the label ‘crazy’ weighs on her and how she blew up with it and the message of destigmatizing mental illness. (Crazy Aneesa and Crazy Devi)  Her properly bonding with her mother and watching videos of her father and remembering/honouring his memory hit REALLY HARD (since I lost many people in my family recently and that fear of forgetting them has been real). Devi is actually beginning to heal from the loss of her father by strengthening the relationship with her Amma. And the slap from Paati was so so needed, it really gave her a better respect of her mother and fixed the problem I had with Devi mouthing off so much to her Amma. I live to see good maamiyar marumagal relationships. Her relationship with Paxton is really good and it gets developed very logically and having her be scared of being pathetic but in the end she accepted her own self worth and stopped chasing after them which was good. 

Overall Devi really blossomed into her own developing person and I actually like her so much more this season. 

2. Paxton Hall Yoshida

I was honestly, like genuinely sad last season he was like 80% eye candy with not much else going for him. Paxton had so much faith as a character and Ms Kaling has really pulled him into such a better person this season. 

Paxton got hit by a car before swim season, lost his ticket to college and wow, got two timed by a girl he liked all in two episodes. If he was salty about that for more than one season I would’ve completely accepted it. Cause that’s a bad public humiliation. 

Paxton episode really really made me love him as a character (honestly more so than Ben) I think because I heard Paxton’s entire worry and irritation that he was being underestimated and no one really expected him to go to college from a friend of mine not more than a month ago. That shit is real, and it hurted my friends a lot that people were really underestimating them and just seeing them as a dumb athlete who has no hope of college. It’s really nice to see Paxton actually want to go to college and learn Japanese American side with his Oji-chan giving him advice and supporting him. And him bringing his grandfather to speak about the internment camps, that seriously do not get spoken about enough.

Also him putting effort and making a genuine effort to work hard and bring up his grades with Devi and therefore bonding with her was really nice to see. I wouldn’t mind them being endgame but Devi does really work a lot better as his pushy Indian mom/best friend/tutor.  And Devi getting mad at him for him expecting him to hold his hand throughout really hit well. Was it deserved yeah. But Devi also did blow him off after promising him to study so his anger is justified there. I’m just kinda vibing with Paxton like coming up and taking a better interest in school and being a full 3D character. And that one scene where he gives the extra credit presentation and Trent high fives the man. Classic. 

Can I also just say, it’s kinda valid that Paxton didn’t want to date her in public. Is it a dick move...yeah? But he’s within his rights to ask and she’s within her rights to deny. And he didn’t press her once she said no, he went along with it. And what Devi pulled on him is awful, and speaking as someone who’s seen popular kid cliques. Reputation really is important. Like what Devi did made Paxton lose face, if he gets back with Devi he ain’t gonna have any respect left in him. And Paxton was pretty right in deciding to not date her publicly, like even in the end he knows that his reputation is shot for what he did. Do we even know if Paxton has friends that aren’t fixated on his social status? Because becoming a social pariah without having any support of friends is gonna hurt like a bitch. Lord knows how Paxton gonna deal with it. I think Trent might be his only homie after the social downfall he will inevitably face. 

I’m just gonna say, Paxton is my favourite now and I’m really rooting for him. Something I decidedly did not do last season. I’m happy Ms Kaling developed him so much and got me interested. 

3. Ben Gross

Ah. Ben. Ben’s not my faaavouriteee.......like he’s fine. But I don’t love him. I can definitely see him and Devi becoming an almost endgame couple though. Especially with S2 ending. 

Ben is fine and he’s pretty developed, especially with his episode in S1 and it was good he took a backseat this season and let everyone else star. I feel like he’ll come back strong next season though. 

Personally do I ship him with Devi? No. I’ve been in a friendship with the similar competitive dynamic as Ben and Devi. And it was terrible. We loved to argue and we got each other’s super brainy side as Devi puts it. But we pushed each other faar too much and even the small things became arguments and each pthers achievements became jealousy. So yeah....I don’t have too much faith in the dynamic due to personal bias, but I’d love to see how it gets handled. 

Also my brother Ben, PDA is a thing and it is common courtesy to refrain from it. Man’s really going at it with Aneesa half the time. But also the moment where Aneesa sort of choked on the presentation and Ben’s irritation at it gave me BAAAD vibes. It feels like while Devi can match him, they might push each other too far, 

4. Kamala 

I LOVE KAMALA. Girl is an ENTIRE vibe. My sweetheart, love of my life. I could go on. I really like her development as well and the banter between her and Nalini. The part where Nalini practically said she looked like a call girl and she was like ippadi potathaan velaila mariyaatha kidaikum. I legit had to pause, scream in laughter for a good few seconds. 

They had such a good story with her and wanting to fight against the fact that they took her work and didn’t credit her and everyone was telling her to like take it bowing. Prasanth’s advice unfortunately checked out to me, because I’ve been told that all my life. My dad says it a lot and I know he doesn’t say it cause’ he doesn’t believe in me, but he loves me and wants my life to be easier and for me to succeed and his experience is that he’s had to deal with things like this and fighting won’t help. So yeah, what Prasanth said did not rub me the wrong way at all and I agreed with it and I’m fairly disappointed about that. I get that she got nervous and had cold feet about marriage but I do hope she and Prasanth can work this out through communication. Because I really don’t feel like Prasanth is the bad guy here. It’s just a miscommunication. 

So yeah, a LOT of Kamala’s storyline continues to really hit me hard. 

5. Nalini Vishwakumar

Nalini really had so much more screentime to blossom. I love that she has a good relationship with Mohan’s amma. It’s wonderful and I love it. Also I was shocked to see the house in Chennai. Like this house...in Chennai. The Chennai I’m used to and the Chennai they are used to are different Chennai’s. Basically wealth gap is crazy as hell and I was lowkey highkey confused if the actually shot this shit in Chennai. But props to the directors for putting some proper Tamil vibes in there. Like the scene where they kaala thottu kumbudurathu (touch the elder’s feet) before they leave for the US is so real and so vibes. I like that they decided to bring paati back. I was like hoping for it.

Also they really went at developing Nalini’s character as a workaholic mom who doesn’t get her daughter. That’s also a really common thing in Indian households with one working parent so I’m happy they portrayed that. I’m happy Nalini actually has a life outside her family portrayed and is still such a typical mother that it hits HARD. I love Nalini and she really developed as a character dealing with grief from Mohan’s death, the wish to move on with Dr.Jackson but knowing that she isn’t ready yet. 

They gave her character a life and proper working outside Devi and it really has shown to develop her character and impact her relationship with Devi. The advice to “just say yes” works with cousins and younger siblings as well, I’ve heard it before and used it..and it saves so much time. Especially with small children. 

(A memory I have is of my younger cousin going on and on about a princess and a castle and fighting a dragon and the witches and so much fantasy shit and ended with do you wanna come? I just clocked off my CCA’s and I had no energy left to question it so I just went yeah sure. Easiest decision, and 10/10 advice. )

6. Aneesa

I’m not gonna lie. I was skeptical of Aneesa and I didn’t like how Devi saw her in the trailer. But Aneesa reminds me so much of me....and its killing me. 

Also the scene where she charms the hell out of Nalini and paati ma has literally happened to me before. Most of my Indian friends hate it..because I was raised with a lot more traditional manners with my grandparents so me and my siblings all are old fashioned which parents LOVE. And I really saw that Aneesa charming them and Devi also realizing, Damn none of my friends actually treat my family the way they should be treated, perks of having an Indian friend. 

Also the scene where she gets Devi out of trouble is so so real. Because if you have one responsible friend that you parents trust, you could lie the hell to them, get you homie to back you up and it will work. Personal experience. So yeah, Aneesa character resonated with me a lot.

I also like that she wasn’t just a popular 1D Indian girl but she was genuinely cool and actually had proper issues and development where she gets more open to Sherman Oaks and actually kinda properly rebels against Noor, with having Ben as a boyfriend. 

I feel like Aneesa has a lot more potential for growth, especially with the relationship with Ms Noor and Aneesa acting as a foil to Nalini and Devi’s. Also, I feel like Aneesa can grow within her social status at school as well and have Devi maturely handle it. Aneesa I feel will really really challenge Devi’s ability to be mature. 

7. Eleanor and Fabiola’s plotlines

Okay like actually, major props to Ms Kaling man. This show touches so so many teen issues in one goddamn show. Emotionally manipulative relationships. So SO good. A lot of newer age relationships have a much more subtle and dangerous line of abuse that’s hard to find out. Like honestly it took me a while to see it as well and I realized oh fuck. oh fuck...I see it it’s bad. They really got the essence of Eleanor’s flamboyance matching with Malcom? (is it Malcolm..fuck it it’s Malcolm now) his “suaveness” and traditionally charming tendency. It made sense and it’s very realistic how Eleanor got played like a damn fiddle. I also again feel that the make up was faar to quick but I really appreciate that Eleanor got her own storyline with her step-mom and understanding of relationships instead of the show hyperfocusing on just Devi. I respect that a lot.  Petition to get a Eleanor narration episode. 

Fabiola’s storyline also was well taken. It’s an interesting added layer to the queer experience and how queerness can be expected to be performative and but really its all about being more of yourself. The idea that queer people don’t owe nobody anything or have to perform an ideal version of queerness and Fabiola struggling with that kinda hit. The part where they talked about her mother learning to support them and being Cricket? Queen/King. Like being trailblazers for the POC community and the LGBTQ+ community having overlapping struggles. Again, I liked that Fabiola was getting more personal screentime and less of her story revolving around Devi’s. 

8. Everything else

I liked that there was more Tamil being casually thrown around. Like the Kamala vaadi to hold the suitcase down as they zipped it together was funny and relatable. The accents were really interesting because I promise you, I had no clue what they were saying sometimes. Nalini’s dialogues in Tamil were like immensely difficult to understand, and my Tamil is fluent. This isn’t a criticism... I’m fairly certain the difference is to do with the regional difference. American Tamil and Malaysian + rural Tamil slang are going to have huge accent differences so there’s no surprise that I found Nalini’s Tamil hard to understand. 

I’m really really really meh about the Kamala and Manish/Mr Kulkarni thing. I still think she should sort it out with Prasanth maybe but I’m open to seeing where it goes. I might change my mind with it. 

This show like any other show had its highs and lows. But I really really do feel that NHIE season 2 managed to truly figure out what the hell it wants to do and developed into a very strong and very entertaining show in terms of representation and diversity. I’m looking forward to season 3. 

[entropy-game-dev]

Getting organised in 2021

Huh, me? No I mean you! You!

I'm sure many people are looking ahead to 2021, and, with the new year comes renewals of goals, habits, motivation and so forth. I'm not really about that, but I thought now would be an apt time to talk about what I've learnt over the past 2 years regarding project management and keeping motivated. 

Now, I want to preface this blog with my thoughts about the whole "productivity" thing. I make a huge, HUGE distinction between being productive at work and productive on your hobbies. The idea of productivity in the workplace can be used in a manipulative fashion, where one may work themselves to mental and physical exhaustion for the benefit of someone else. Considering most people reading this will probably be on a fixed wage (rather than commission-based), does it really make sense to push oneself harder without getting any immediate, tangible benefit from it?

So that’s my rant for the blog, I promise! Anyway, on the other hand we have productivity on your hobbies, which is a completely different matter. You get out exactly 100% of what you put into your hobby, and it'll benefit you in multiple ways. I don't think I need to sell this to you, as I'm sure most people, myself included, would love to be more productive on their own personal projects. In this blog, I'm going to be talking exclusively about this sort of productivity and how to improve it in a couple of different ways. Again, this is all stuff I've personally tried and tested, so while I am confident this approach will work for me, it may not necessarily work for you. But, you won't know until you try!! So if you're convinced and want to get motivated, read on!

I first want to talk about one's mindset, and then dive into the tools I use. The latter will provide a bit more context for the former, and in the end, the most powerful tool you have is your brain, so use it!

Training your brain

So, the biggest problem I find myself, and other people have, is how to tackle a project and starting a work session. One I start, I find it easy to get into the zone (and this comes back to the choice of tools that augment my workflow), so getting started and knowing what I'm doing is the main thing I have to tackle. 

On the broadest level, I work with a general plan that has been written up previously. This contains all the key points from start to finish, without worrying too much about the detail at this stage. There is some skill involved in identifying what constitutes a "key" point, but this all comes down to practice. For reference, if I estimate something will take a week or two to finish, that's a task. If something will take longer than that, it's more than likely several tasks, and rolling it up into one task will probably cause some decision paralysis. Anything smaller and your list will get too clogged up, and again, decision paralysis. Right, so that's your high level plan done. Cool, but not really going to help you on a day-to-day basis as this will be something to refer to between tasks.

Ok, so now you have a list of chronological tasks. Take the first one and start it. Oh, you don't know where to start? Don't worry, I'm with you. It's important to recognise the mental signs related to approaching a task. If I find myself hesitating or not looking forward to a particular task, it often means I haven't defined it well enough. That means breaking the task down into individual steps, until you're comfortable saying "yep, I can do this right now" with each dot point. Again, it'll take some practice (depending on your hobby) to visualise and write down each step, but it is definitely something that you get used to, and will save you so much time umming and aahing with your program of choice open, but not actually getting any work done. If you are finding that happens more often than not, it breaks your workflow and you can't get into the zone!

A few more general tips. It helps to be consistent with your work. Try to dedicate a regular time to your hobby and you'll find it a lot easier to get into the working mindset and the zone. Allow yourself some days off, but don't use the excuse of "not being motivated enough" as a reason to take time off. What would be better is, if you can't force yourself to, say, program, work on the art, or the sound, or design. But do it consistently! 

Be accountable as well. This means involving others as much as you can - as an example, say you want to discuss a design aspect with a friend and you'll find extra motivation to work on that aspect, and get it ready for someone else to read over. Just having that knowledge of another person looking at your work will bring it to a new level, trust me! You can also be held accountable to people you don't know! Part of the reason why I started this blog and my Twitter account was because I always have in the back of my mind while working, that it'll eventually make its way to my blog. 

Finally, if your hobby has one, make use of the community where possible - get involved and see if there are ready made templates or resources you can use. I know people like to do things without help, and I absolutely respect that, but I find that people have often gone through the same struggles as you, and will provide ways to make your life easier!

Tools of the trade

Ok so I've used a lot of different software and systems in my time, and by process of natural selection the ones that I still use today are the ones that have been most helpful for me! Here's a short list with both the specific thing I use, and in brackets, what I use it for. If you already use something similar that fill a similar role, then my suggestion is to stick with what you know:

ClickUp (Project management, checklists): This is where I keep a list of all my major tasks. You can have checklists nested in checklists which is amazing for planning, and can organise things into broad categories, and tons more. Any good project management software like Trello etc. should support this.

Google Drive (Cloud storage of other assets, easy sharing, MS office replacement): I use this to store anything that isn't code related, and to work on things simultaneously with other people. While this game is a mostly solo effort, I absolutely discuss and show a ton of stuff to my more experienced friends, who in turn provide very helpful feedback. It's much nicer and more organised than sending files through a messaging app or (heaven forbid) emails!

Bitbucket (Source control, cloud storage of code): If you code, you need this. I don't care how small your project is! Actually, smaller projects are better to learn from! Github is definitely used the most for source control, so if you like that more, use it!

Google Keep (Note taking, brain dumps): Ever had a genius idea right before bed? Same, and I use Google Keep to keep track of them. I could use Clickup in this instance but I find the app to be a bit clunky compared to Keep.

Notepad++ (Rapid notes, copypasting error messages): Notepad ++ is what I use mainly for copypasting error messages to look at later, but I also use it when I need to break down a sub-task down, or make a note to do something later without interrupting my flow. The fact that Notepad++ specificaly can have multiple tabs and will save your tabs automatically without you having to manually save it is amazing.

Good 'ol pen and paper (Scratchpad): For those REALLY hard problems that can't be solved in my head, I turn to pen and paper to get my thoughts organised. While I could use something like Notepad++, I find that being able to write and draw anywhere on the paper, and link things up with lines helps immensely to get a clear idea of things.

Summing up

Right, so, that's about it from me. If you have any questions or want me to elaborate on something I've mentioned here, feel free to leave a comment or an ask. In any case, I hope you’re feeling more motivated now, and all the best for your personal projects in 2021!

P.S. I've know I’ve been a bit quiet lately because I'm working on designing the five factions present in the demo - I can't reveal much lore about them (as those will be in logs you'll find in-game), but I will be showing off some more designs and gameplay mechanics in the near future, so look forward to it!

[thelightofthingshopedfor]

just once, just fucking once I would like to have a reasonably productive long weekend instead of spending most of it too stuck in decision paralysis to actually do much of anything until I reach a point where I feel like I could very well break down crying because I’m too overwhelmed with everything I need to do but I still don’t actually do most of it because the decision paralysis is a huge part of what makes me so fucking overwhelmed in the first place

like. right now probably the most urgent thing is a semi-complicated Etsy commission that the buyer would ideally receive by Dec. 10, which probably means sending it Dec. 7 at the absolute latest. so I should be working on that, right? but it’s going to take a while so it’s a time commitment, especially because it seems kind of pointless to get out a lot of messy supplies to only work on it for a few minutes. and I need to order parts for a different order--well, at least that’s quick. I also really need to reapply thermal paste to my CPU as soon as I can because I think the fan’s getting louder and that can’t be good for anything in there, and theoretically it won’t be that hard, but realistically I’m sure it’s going to take a while and I have to look up a little info on how to do it, first--and it involves my PC being out of commission while I’m working on it, so that’s not something I can do halfway. and while my PC’s open I really need to replace my dead hard drive, which wouldn’t be that hard except I want to install the new one alongside the old one so I can try to clone the dead one onto the new one, which will definitely take time on both the hardware and software sides of things, but it needs to happen sooner rather than later because, again, there’s a lot of stuff I can’t do until I get that done. and I need to send the recent invoices for Hazy’s dental appointment to pet insurance to see if they’ll pay anything, and that should be quick, but nothing ever stays simple. and, shit, I should really do some actual work this weekend because I didn’t get enough done before...and I still need to decide what to do about the vision therapy thing now that it’s clear the best they can do for me is a payment plan for like 36 expensive appointments, ugh. and ah shit I signed up for Yuletide and I’ve done almost nothing, and that’s due...Dec. 17? fuck, that reminds me, I gotta go get a new notebook from my room because I just finished this one, I mean that’s quick and easy but it also means I now have two notebooks that mostly aren’t typed up, which is bad because I can’t do anything with the contents until they’re typed up and of course they’re not backed up (unless I put them in my fireproof safe, and then I’d never get them typed), and typing those is going to take forever, and yeah I’ve been meaning to make it easier on myself by just doing like 15 minutes a day but I haven’t done that at all and they really need to get typed--and, well, I could just do a 15-minute stint, sure, but that seems silly when there’s so much that needs to be done--and, ugh, I’ve sorta been ignoring my email for the last three days and I need to go through that because otherwise I’m guaranteed to miss something I won’t want to miss, but that takes time and it’s going to mean opening up more tabs when there are already too many tabs open (there are always too many tabs open) and I need to deal with those too, and a good share of the emails are probably about Black Friday sales that I’ll probably want to do but that means more tabs and more decisions and shit there’s all that stuff in my Etsy cart that I should really buy sooner rather than later because sometimes Etsy stuff disappears or sells out and then I’ll be sad and frustrated with myself and also some of the things I want to buy are for gifts, which reminds me that I have almost no Christmas gifts yet for anybody, and my birthday is soon so I should probably make some kind of list myself but actually why am I focusing on that at all when the Georgia runoff elections that determine Senate control are in barely more than a month and I need to be writing letters/postcards to voters since I don’t want to phonebank and time zones actually make it really impractical anyway? I was going to do that in a reasonable way this time too, just a few letters a day like I meant to before, use up a lot of these stamps and stuff I still have--and ah fuck it’s been a while since I’ve called my own legislators about anything, I need to do that, that’s theoretically quick because voicemails cut me off at two minutes, although to be able to do that I also have to do at least a little research so I know what’s the most important thing to call about and what to say so that’s more tabs and more time, and I still haven’t fucking reposted the tiny little Endgame fix-it fic I wrote at the end of August, let alone finished anything since then

and I would, on some level, like to work on one of the many, many writing projects that is theoretically close to being done, or one of the recent ones I started because I foolishly and incorrectly thought it was something I could bang out quickly

and on some level I would also like to work on more stuff for Etsy that could be pre-made so it’s not another stress point when I get orders, especially because several things are holiday-specific and some wouldn’t even take that long, but I’d still be choosing to do those instead of more urgent things

and none of that even begins to touch other stuff, like my room that continues to be a disaster and I need to sort through my shit so I know whether I can relist my most popular Etsy item (if I even want to, which I don’t right now because stress), not to mention all the stuff I need to clear out by listing on eBay, and I could do at least one part of that (flatten the boxes I’ve saved for shipping) without committing to a week-long project but even that part would take a solid chunk of time that I should be spending on something more urgent

and we can’t even put up the fucking tree until I move some of my shit away from the spot where the tree goes, which is tough because a lot of it is from work or otherwise theoretically temporary stuff that doesn’t have an actual home, so that’s going to take a while, and then putting up the tree is also going to take a while, and my room is already a disaster so I’d need to clean in there to make room, which would take forever, and for that matter my areas of the living room are generally a disaster too, as always

and while I’m thinking about stuff I brought from work, let’s go back to how I need to do some work stuff because I’m lucky enough to have a decent job with good insurance that can be done from home and I’m still just like...kiiiiiiinda endangering that by not being a functional adult in general? which is at least partly because my brain is a dumpster fire that doesn’t seem to be improving (which is something else to worry about) but regardless of the cause I still have to do something about it? oh yes and speaking of the good insurance I’m kinda endangering by being a fuckup, haha sure hope this knot under my jaw doesn’t turn out to be...you know, the type of bad thing that a knot under the jaw could turn out to be! which is another very good reason I need to stop being a fuckup so I’m not maybe endangering the job that would pay for that, along with all my other medical issues! and also the entirety of our rent because my mom’s really high-risk and the only available jobs she’s qualified for aren’t safe for her to do!

and my knee hurts! and my elbow hurts! and my neck fucking hurts, my head and neck always hurt and I think I’ve been sleeping even worse than usual lately, partly because neck pain and partly just my body fucking hates me, it’s always a problem and I don’t know what to do about it anymore

and now it’s after 8:30 pm and obviously I’ve done none of this, and I’m still tired, and my head and neck still hurt, and there are still so many things I need to do but I can’t choose because the time-consuming things are the urgent ones but I don’t have the time or energy for them and choosing a specific thing (an urgent time-consuming thing, or a less urgent but much quicker thing) means actively choosing not to do one of the other things, and it’s all important, and I can’t fucking choose, and I’m pretty much at a point where I can continue running ever more painful and crazy-making circles in my brain trying to make myself decide something or I can say “fuck it” and do something that would be fun but not urgent or important at all, which I shouldn’t do, so for fuck’s sake I should just pick even one productive thing to do and then maybe let myself do something fun and then get to bed at a good time for fucking once but I still can’t fucking choose and I want to either cry, scream, or possibly hurt myself, and none of this is healthy or productive

and I think possibly my therapist is getting impatient with me for not making much progress and not really having specific goals for our sessions aside from “I hate that my brain is Like This and I want it to not be Like This and no I haven’t done most of the things you’ve suggested and no I don’t have a good reason why, I just want the meds to work so everything won’t be so fucking hard and yes I know that wouldn’t be something you could control even if it was in your wheelhouse, which it isn’t, but I get overwhelmed so fast and I know I need to do better and be better but I don’t know how”

and I wrote this instead of actually doing anything, apparently, because there was at least some chance that dumping it all out would make me feel better or help me see more clearly what I actually need to do, but I think I actually made myself feel worse by articulating just how overwhelmed I am, mostly by things that objectively aren’t actually that difficult or important.

and I still can’t fucking choose.

[adhdpal]

TL;DR for my fellow ADHDers, the prefrontal cortex of our brains is in charge of many complex tasks, including memory, attention, judgement, behaviour and decision making. All of this affects the way we perceive time and how long something will take us to do,we can’t pay enough attention and remember well our surroundings making it easier to get lost, and when not making spur-of-the-moment decisions we can get stuck with decision paralysis. 

Just like with emotional dysregulation, there’s a few more things that get accentuated with ADHD, and these particular 3 exist because of our biology, more specifically in the prefrontal cortex of our brains.

Here we can see three issues; problems with perception of time, sense of direction and choice making.

What’s the prefrontal cortex?

Our brains are divided in different parts, and the prefrontal cortex (PFC) is the brain cortex covering the frontal lobe, which is closest to our foreheads.

This part of the brain is, in short, a very complex and intricate machine in our heads that is responsible for monitoring memory, perception, judgment, behaviour, and other cognitive processes.

And, according to studies in imaging systems, on ADHD brains this part has a weaker activation than in neurotypical brains. This means it doesn’t work as nicely as it would for others, and that leaves us with some issues.

So, about time perception...

Have you ever heard of something called time blindness? As people get older, they develop a sense of time, so if they go out to fill out a tub it probably won’t overflow because they know how long it takes to do that. But for people with ADHD this is not true.

I’m sure some of you have seen a task that takes a week to complete and thought “yeah, there’s 3 days left, I got this!”, or have gotten overwhelmed because there’s no way you have enough time to finish up that one task… that it may take you only 3 hours.

This is not only because of how we experience time, but also a judgement issue, and as we know both of them are a responsibility of the PFC. This means we struggle to monitor how long we take to do something, and also struggle to predict how long will take us to do something.

Our emotions also play a role in this since it’s also regulated by the PFC, for example when we’re used to being late because we can’t sense time passing by, we become anxious about meetings, getting to places up to 3 hours early. When this happens, for our brains there are two thoughts, the time that will take us to get there and the negative emotions that will come if we get late. And sadly the last message is the strongest.

What about my sense of direction?

YES! This also gets affected by ADHD, why? You may ask. This happens because of poor working memory AND attention.

We all know that with ADHD we struggle controlling our attention, this is also one of the PFC’s tasks, alongside with memory. These two are important because our sense of direction completely depends on our memories of the place we’re at, and if we don’t pay enough attention to our surroundings it’s hard to form a memory of the place.

I have a personal example, when I was in school I took the subway and bus on my way back home, it took all I had to pay enough attention to the streets through the window to learn the way so I could stop using my GPS to know where my stop was. After some months of practice, I finally managed to remember the streets. A win for me! … Or so I thought, because next year the store that was my reference to get up and press the button to get off changed their design and I completely missed it.

Luckily I got off the bus only 2 stops after mine (luckily because… it has been worse).

It’s important to make a distinction here though. When it’s only ADHD, we get lost for not paying attention and not remembering places, but there’s other conditions that could impair our sense of direction, like dyslexia (makes you confuse left and right) or dyspraxia (affects physical coordination).

And finally! Indecisiveness

We’re almost there! I commend you for getting this far!

Our last point to cover now is indecisiveness, as we said before, the PFC is in charge of judgement, behaviour and decision-making, and when they don’t work well, it’s hard to make decisions.

Just as we can impulsively make decisions or choose something without much thinking (thanks to our PFC not regulating well our behaviour), we can go the other way around and get stuck trying to choose something.

Will the chocolate milk be better for this cookie than plain milk? But what if I get chocochip cookies instead of vanilla cookies? But is this brand better than that brand? When we find there’s a lot of options and there’s not really enough pressure to get high on adrenaline while making a fast choice, sometimes we get “decision paralysis”. We keep on thinking and never make a choice because of the overflowing information.

You did it! Thank you for reading! And remember, I’m not a medical professional, I just have ADHD and love to read on it.

Sources

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2894421/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2738354/ https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4830363/  https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-brain-prefrontal-cortex-attention-emotions/ https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/livingwithadultadhd/2017/10/is-your-poor-sense-of-direction-a-symptom-of-adhd

[illfoandillfie]

Hi! May I please get a creative block reading with your movie tarot deck? My initials are mmc if that helps. Please and thank you. You’re honestly so incredibly amazing for offering readings.

of course darling!! I hope this helps!

Tarot: 8 of coins, temperance, knight of cups, four of wands, the hierophant, 5 of wands

Okay so there are 2 things we look at in a creative block reading – the internal and the external – because both can influence creative energy in different ways. You may feel that one resonates more than the other or it could be a mix of both. Just take whatever makes most sense to you.  

So let’s start with the internal stuff. The 8 of wands in this reading represents internal difficulties that keeping you from creating. It relates to apprenticeship and passion and, notably, high standards. I think it’s possible that you’re expecting perfection from yourself and get frustrated when things don’t turn out the way you were picturing. High standards can be good! But they should be something to work towards that makes you edit and rewrite paragraphs or makes you redraw that one thing over and over until it’s muscle memory. High standards can inspire passion and ambition and skill but they can also get in the way of all those things.  

Temperance is what you need to change in your attitude so you can get back to a more creative headspace. It’s a card of patience and moderation. You need to balance out those high standards. Be patient with yourself when things don’t immediately go the way you planned. Take a breath, remind yourself that it’s still a work in progress and that you can change things later, and stop beating yourself up. Manage your expectations of yourself so you can get back to a place where those high standards push you to try more and to improve your skills rather than frustrating you and make you stop altogether.  

Next we have the external difficulties that are keeping you from creating. The 4 of wands symbolises community, home and celebration. It could be that something about your home life is getting in the way of your creating – maybe your favourite room to create in needs a tidy, maybe you find that every time you sit down with the intention of making something new someone interrupts you. It could be that you thrive under pressure and things are just too peaceful at the moment and it’s not sparking that creative energy. Or maybe it’s the opposite, maybe you’ve been too busy or someone has disturbed your routine (my first thought was builders coming through to fix something and changing the feeling of your usual creative space). Whatever it is it has something to do with your home life.  

The Hierophant tells us what you can physically or practically do to change this. This card relates to tradition and conformity so it may be that you need to reorganise or re-establish your “creative space” – tidy off your desk, organise your tools, make sure it feels comfortable and inspiring. It could also be a case of breaking tradition – if you usually create inside maybe try going and sitting outside in the fresh air instead, or if you usually sit on your bed try moving to a desk or the floor instead. Shake things up a bit! The Hierophant also relates to rituals and ceremonies so it could be that by creating a ritual for yourself you can more easily slip into the creative mindset and warn people that you’ll be busy without telling them – get yourself a drink or a snack, set your laptop up, light a candle, put on a favourite album, whatever helps you transition from regular thinking and your everyday brain to the mindset you need to create.  

This leaves us with two cards – the knight of cups and the 5 of wands – which represent the lesson to take away from this creative block as well as any extra advice the deck wants to share. So the knight of cups is about following the heart. He’s a card of imagination, a little bit idealistic and romantic. He’s in touch with his emotions and his intuition and uses them for his own wellbeing. He’s telling you that the lesson to take from this is to reconnect with yourself. Use this as a time to reflect on what you enjoy about creating and why, and what you need from your environment to feel comfortable creating in it. Figuring out the background whys and hows can make you more receptive to creative ideas.  

Finally the 5 of wands. This is a card of conflict and competition. It’s advising you that conflict isn’t always bad. It could be a friendly rivalry that pushes you to do better or, like the high standards I mentioned earlier, it could be an inner conflict between what your mind imagines and what your hand actually makes. Don’t let the idea of conflict hold you back. New opportunities rise from battles. Learn from whatever conflict arises – do you need to communicate your needs better so others don’t interrupt as much? Do you need to spend time practicing a particular skill so you can improve and eventually produce those amazing things you think of? Accept whatever conflict appears and use it to drive you forward.  

So I pulled a few different oracles for you. 

First up is a card from the artist oracles - Charles & Ray Eames. This card offers three pieces of advice - one for life, one for work, and one for inspiration - you may find that all of them are relevant or that only one of them is. Take whatever resonates most! 

Design your days - don’t plan them / Aspire to profound practicality /Be unbending in your flexibility.

I really like that last one, especially in connection with the cards that talk about the external blocks. This card is encouraging you to be a little more flexible with how you create so try some new things and see what works!

Your literary witch is Charlotte Perkins Gilman. She represents freedom, oppression and the systems at work. I think the dichotomy between freedom and oppression connects strongly with the internal/mental blocks. It definitely speaks of needing to free yourself from something - negative/overly critical thought or a rigid idea of what you want to make, etc. It could also relate to the external side too with that “systems at work” bit. Perhaps there is something in your current system that is holding you back. 

I also pulled 3 cards from my new sacred creators oracle deck. Creator Alchemy / Feed Your Artist / Over-Thinking Can Spoil The Magic 

Creator Alchemy - This card says that you are a powerful alchemist and you’re ready to transform the ingredients of your life and make gold. It suggests that there is a need for focused determination in order to get out of the creative block you find yourself in. I see it connecting with the external side of the reading because it talks of the minutiae that anchors you down like day to day home life and regular responsibilities. It does also suggest that you could be dealing with too many different ideas or projects at the same time but i think that’s secondary to the other parts. 

Feed Your Artist - This one 100% ties into those internal block cards. It speaks of self-judgement being a problem, especially in regards to harsh expectations. And it suggests some down time could be a way to break out of that headspace and, like the knight of cups, also that there’s a need to reconnect to your creative joy. 

Over-Thinking - This is the first card in this deck which I think goes to show how common of a problem this is lmao It says that analysis-paralysis or the fear of making the wrong decision is part of whats holding you back. It’s causing doubts in your own abilities which means your worrying about the outcome before you’ve even really begun. It could manifest as obsessive planning or perfectionism. You need to switch to a more positive mindset and trust that you are capable of making something good, something people will enjoy.

And finally, I also got you a Frida Kahlo card which will hopefully be of some inspiration. It says:

Breathe deeper, extend your breath and listen to your heart. Create a life from here. 

[heartlesslywhumping]

Head injuries: A rundown for whumpers

Part One

I recently got an ask pertaining to certain injures that trauma to the head may cause. I’m working on answering that one in specific details (it’ll go up after this series) but as it was getting quite long, I decided to post this first with more information.

This isn’t necessarily what I could call a “gory” post but it does go into some brief detail around medical things and anatomy. There are no pictures or anything but proceed at your own discretion.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a medical professional, do not look to this post for professional advice or treatment. Occasionally I consult with my EMR certified friends and family but the majority of the information I am sharing has been gathered from going down Google rabbit holes. Most of my research came from authorized medical websites but the internet is the internet. All of this will be lovely for creative purposes but not for real life application

Boredom Disclaimer: This is probably going to be suuuuper dry and boring. I try to keep it short and relevant but who knows how well I actually do there.

First in the series are the big boys, the TBIs everyone!

What is a TBI? A TBI is a Traumatic Brain Injury, which comes from physical trauma to the head. However, not all blows to head produce the same things. Some are minor, some are deadly, and some have long lasting effects.

Types of TBIs and descriptions.

Concussions

A concussion is the most common type of TBI. It occurs when the impact on the head is severe enough to cause brain injury. It can be caused by direct blows to the head, gunshot wounds, violent shaking of the head, force from a whiplash type injury, etc. It’s thought to be the result of the brain hitting against the hard walls of the skull.

Generally speaking, the loss of function associated with a concussion is temporary. However, repeated concussions can eventually lead to permanent damage that may permanently change mood, behavior, and brain function.

Signs of concussion include the following:

Disorientation

Vomiting

Headache

Fatigue

Nausea

Temporary loss of consciousness

Confusion or feeling as if in a fog

Ringing in the ears

Slurred speech

Sleep disturbances

Concentration or memory problems

Irritability and other personality change

Brain Contusions

A contusion is a bruise under the skin. If a brain contusion does not stop bleeding on its own, or is especially large, it may need to be surgically removed. 

The extent of damage associated with a brain contusion depends on the size of the bleed, the length of time it lasts, the effects of surgery, and the location of the injury.

Generally this shows up after a serious head injury/loss of consciousness. Victims often wake up confused, tired, agitated, or emotional. Severe contusions can lead to brain swelling within 48-72 hours.

Symptoms of brain contusions may include:

Memory loss

Attention problems

Emotional disturbances

Difficulty with motor coordination

Numbness

Loss of ability to understand or express speech

Diffuse Axonal Injury

A diffuse axonal injury (DAI) is an injury to the brain that doesn’t cause bleeding but does damage the brain cells.  With a DAI, the head jerks about so violently that the brain stem cannot keep up, causing tears in the connections of the brain. A DAI can be caused by shaking or strong rotation of the head, as with Shaken Baby Syndrome, or by rotational forces, such as with a car accident. Extensive tears can cause brain chemicals to be released, causing additional injury. The tearing of the nerve tissue disrupts the brain’s regular communication and chemical processes.

This disturbance in the brain can produce temporary or permanent widespread brain damage, coma, or death.

The damage to the brain cells results in them not being able to function. It can also result in swelling, causing more damage. Though it isn’t as outwardly visible as other forms of brain injury, a DAI is one of the most dangerous types of head injuries. Victims will likely need intensive rehabilitation after receiving this (but what whumpee doesn’t need that?)

Symptoms include 

disorientation or confusion

headache

nausea or vomiting

drowsiness or fatigue

trouble sleeping

sleeping longer than normal

loss of balance or dizziness

Second Impact Syndrome

A second impact before the first is fully healed is more likely to cause severe brain damage than a first, even if the victim does not lose consciousness. However, loss of consciousness after the initial injury followed by secondary brain damage enhances the vulnerability of the brain, greatly increasing the risk of death, even if the second injury was far less intense.

Second impact injury can result within a matter of days or weeks, or it can occur within a few hours if the victim isn’t removed and treated after the first concussion. Neither impact has to be severe for second impact syndrome to occur. Symptoms usually occur immediately following the second impact and progress rapidly.

Common symptoms include:

Dilated pupils

Loss of eye movement

Unconsciousness

Respiratory failure

Death

Coup-Contrecoup Brain Injury

A "coup" injury is the initial site of impact. For example, if you were in a car accident and struck your head on the steering wheel, you might have a "coup" brain injury near the location of the forehead.

A contrecoup injury happens at the opposite side of the site of injury, so if you struck your forehead, the brain injury would be at the back of the brain. This happens because the brain is the consistency of firm pudding, moves within the skull. The initial impact on the forehead causes the first injury, but the movement of the brain within the skull causes the second impact against the back of the skull.

Together, these injuries are called a coup contrecoup injury, indicating that both injuries are present. There does not have to be an impact to cause either the coup or contrecoup injuries. Shaken babies, for example, can have these injuries even if the head is never struck by another object. The movement of the brain within the skull is enough to cause the injuries.

Symptoms include

Trouble swallowing

Muscle weakness,

Paralysis, and/or sensory changes.

Problems with decision making, speaking, and language comprehension.

Loss of consciousness

Coma

Confusion

Headache

Seizures

Dizziness

A loss of balance and coordination

Fatigue

Nausea or vomiting

Memory problems

Mood issues, including depression, agitation, or anxiety

Blurred vision

A ringing in the ears

Sensitivity to light and noise

Slurred speech

Penetrating Injury

A penetrating injury occurs when an object penetrates the skull and brain - such as the impact of a bullet, knife or other sharp object - that forces hair, skin, bones and fragments from the object into the brain.

These injuries can be fatal if not promptly treated, because they often cause severe bleeding, blood clots, disrupted oxygen supply to various brain regions, and other immediate side effects.

Removing the object that penetrated the skull may worsen the bleeding or further damage the brain, so never remove an object lodged in the skull.

Objects traveling at a low rate of speed through the skull and brain can ricochet within the skull, which widens the area of damage.

A “through-and-through” injury occurs if an object enters the skull, goes through the brain, and exits the skull. Through-and-through traumatic brain injuries include the effects of penetration injuries, plus additional shearing, stretching and rupture of brain tissue.

The devastating traumatic brain injuries caused by bullet wounds result in a 91% firearm-related death rate overall.

People who survive penetrating injuries may need repeated brain surgeries, high doses of antibiotics, and an assortment of therapies designed to restore function. Ultimately, the degree of disability and the prognosis depends on the location of the injury, its severity, whether there was a brain bleed, and similar factors.

I don’t think this one really needs a symptom list 😂

[thessalian]

Thess vs TTRPG Tips

One thing I’ve had occasion to notice as regards my players is that they get really invested. Which is great, don’t get me wrong! The problem comes at times that ... well, sometimes for reasons largely out of their control, some people get so invested that it seeps into what they’re doing a little more than it necessarily needs to. By which I mean, they get very into the emotion and everything else goes by the wayside. That’s an issue in an interactive medium with no real visual component - their characters are seeing things but that kind of got forgotten in the reaction to what’s actually happening, both to them and elsewhere.

Thus, I thought it might be a good idea to have a quick look over what I’ve seen in the more ... hardcore and tense sessions I’ve run and do a quick bit of advice to players when ... well, when flail happens.

The key question, and one that should be asked whenever a course of action needs to be decided: “What do I see?” Seriously, this is the big question because if a DM’s going to give you avenues for potential courses of action, it’s going to be in the description. It’s unfeasible to ask everyone to remember every detail - hell, it’s unfeasible to ask a DM to describe every detail in a base description of the area (particularly when players have a tendency to interrupt in the middle of descriptive commentary from the DM, ahem ahem) - so asking for a refresher when a course of action needs to be decided is a good thing. It helps if, for example, you’ve got so excited about what’s going on elsewhere in the scene that you’ve forgotten that the room you’re in has a window.

As a note: Wait until the DM’s finished talking before asking questions. It can be difficult, I imagine, particularly if you’re one who tends to miss cues that the DM has simply paused in their description for a second to check notes, grope for a word, etc - things are exciting, you want things to move fast because of that, and again, the cues have been missed. Still, it’s important to try. If you listen to the DM when they make the initial description, you might catch what you need to proceed anyway. This particularly goes when you want a specific piece of information - you may want a specific piece of information, but it’s polite to wait until the DM gives it to you (or fails to and obliges you to ask) on their own before interrupting to ask questions. Interrupting a DM is how details get missed.

All of that said: Avoid decision paralysis. There are generally a lot of actions one could conceivably take, and at the end of the day there is never going to be a ‘perfect’ solution - no foolproof, guaranteed successful and damage-free solutions exist in D&D. There’s always a chance it’s going to go wrong. At the end of the day, risk happens, and the best way I’ve heard it said was “Commit to the bit” - which means do what would make sense in character. If your character would take a risk to see something succeed, do it, and be damned to the consequences. If your character has a particularly low Wisdom, just do whatever, because stupid life choices is a big part of low Wisdom scores.

Also, particularly if your character has a high Wisdom score that you’re afraid of not living up to: Ask for a Wisdom check for advice. It could go badly wrong, sure, but at least it avoids decision paralysis, and if it goes well, you get a bit of advice that your character would have spotted but you, for whatever reason, might not have.

At the end of the day, it comes down to this: The DM is not your enemy. This isn’t a DM versus Player game (unless it is, at which point you at least know that going in). This is collaborative storytelling. Your DM is going to challenge you, sure, but it’s not in the DM’s interest to cripple you with a lack of information. The story can’t continue if you’re stuck on a point of detail, and it’s their job to make sure you get that information. Just be sensible about how you ask for that information, and all’s good.

And finally: Damage isn’t the end of the world. Seriously, sometimes, someone’s going to have to take a hit. Sometimes that’s a tactical necessity for the greater goal to succeed. Just look at the situation and decide where the tactical benefit is greatest. Also, there’s an out of character thought to that one: don’t leave a fellow player character out of action - unconscious, restrained or otherwise helpless - longer than you have to from a tactical perspective. From a character standpoint, greater numbers helps the odds. From a player perspective, it spares frustration later on.

[ferretfreedomfighters]

⁣JUSTICE FOR SITKA - A Marshall Ferret Story

❌⁣ ❌⁣ Marshall Ferrets is the leading ferret mill in North America. They supply most of the pet stores in the USA with ferrets and pet stores across all of North America with ferret supplies. Marshall Ferrets is first and foremost a ferret mill. Ferret mills force female ferrets to breed out of season by injecting them with hormones, take their babies away from them when they are far too young, and over breed their females in order to meet the supply and demand needs put forth by their customers. Along with this, Marshall Ferret’s products are absolutely awful for ferrets: their malt paste and treats contains harmful sugars and carcinogens, their ferret kibble is essentially McDonalds for ferrets, and their toys are easily destroyed which creates choking and blockage hazards.

But, capitalism persists. This company rakes in millions of dollars every year, and they won’t stop until the money stops coming in. Please consider boycotting Marshalls and not purchasing any ferrets from pet stores, or buying any products that come from this terrible and unethical company. ❌⁣ ❌⁣

Here is Sitka’s story:

“This story is not easy for me to tell, I will.

For Sitka.

I bought Sitka from Petco on March 2nd, 2019. I knew nothing of Marshall Farms and their unethical and inhumane handling and breeding of ferrets. All I knew was that I had spent two years dreaming of owning a ferret and was finally ready to bring one into my heart and home. As soon as I saw Sitka, I knew he was the one. But looking back now, Sitka was way too young to have been in that display case, open for just anyone to purchase. He should have still been with his mother and siblings for at least four more weeks. Sadly, this is the case for all ferrets sold by Marshall Farms. While they claim the kits leave their farm at 8-9 weeks of age, I, along with many others, believe this is not the case and that most of the kits are ripped away from their mothers earlier than claimed.

Once I got Sitka home, I immediately noticed that he was scratching vigorously at his hears. During his first vet visit, the veterinarian confirmed that he had an ear mite infestation and an infection in one of his ears. Again this is the case for many ferrets purchased from Marshall Farms due to the poor and unhygienic living spaces. 

Although I wasn’t the perfect ferret owner while I had Sitka, I feel like I could do a lot right now. I never fed any of the pastes, supplements, or treats made by Marshalls. I switched him to a much better kibble than Marshall’s and used a water bowl instead of a bottle. I only used oatmeal to bathe him and gave him 24/7 free roam in my room. Sitka and I were inseparable. Wherever I was, he was. There were even more mornings that I woke up and found him sleeping in the bed with my pillow.

It saddens me knowing that Sitka never had another ferret to play with and while I know humans can never replace ferret companionship, I made sure that Sitka was stimulated every day and had hours of playtime with me. And trust me, we played hard.

Flash forward 6 months lager, we had just moved into a new apartment, and I started to notice that Sitka was sleeping longer and longer. At first, I thought it was because he was stressed from the move, but then I noticed that his hind legs began to wobble and move with difficulty. I scheduled a vet appointment and took him as soon as I could the vet found that he was running a high fever and was dehydrated. She gave him some fluids subcutaneously and prescribed me with Metronidazole which is an antibiotic used to treat many infections.

I gave Sitka the Metronidozole every 12 hours for a week, but I saw no improvement. Instead, Sitka’s condition got even worse. he was extremely lethargic and his hind legs had given out almost completely. The only time he would move was to go potty, but he would only make it a couple of inches before he’d give up and relieve himself where he was. During this entire week, I was also syringe feeding and watering him since he would not eat or drink on his own. I took him to the vet again. He had lost some weight despite my efforts to keep him fed. His fever was still present, and now his head tilted to one side permanently. This time we had blood work, x-rays, and an IV done. While palpating his stomach, the vet also felt a mass in his midsection. Since there were no overnight veterinary hospitals in my city, I had to take Sitka home with me. Every hour or two for days, I would inject fluids into Sitka’s IV. I was exhausted and drained from the worry of losing him and lack of sleep. I prayed that any call I would get from the vet would tell me that it was something I could fix. But, this was not the case. The vet called and told me that the x-rays showed that his spleen, liver, and kidneys were enlarged. The blood work also showed that his organs were beginning to fail. I held Sitka close and told him over and over again how much I loved him. I didn’t want him to be alone for a second.

The following day I took Sitka back to the vet. while in the exam room, the vet explained to me what she believe was his diagnosis. Ferret Systematic Coronavirus. FRSC is simple to the dry form of Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIP), and like FIP, there is no cure. A more common coronavirus seen in ferrets is ferret enteric coronavirus which causes epizootic catarrhal enteritis (ECE), but more and more cases of FRSC have been reported from the United States. Like ECE, FRSC is extremely contagious and transferred from fecal matter. The only way to prevent FRSC is by avoiding exposure from ferrets that are infected, and to keep cages clean and disinfected.

To be sure this was what Sitka had, we did an ultrasound. I can’t remember exactly what the vet saw, but it did confirm our fears. She further explained to me what the results of the blood work meant, but I was not in the right mind to listen or learn. All I was thinking about was that I was about to make the hardest decision in my life. There was a choice to potentially treat his symptoms, the vet explained that it was clear he had suffered from central nervous system damage since he had hind limb paralysis and had a head tilt. I made the decision to end his suffering and humanly euthanize him. I stayed there with him and thanked him for being my companion for the short time I had him, and told him over and over again how much he was loved and how he’d be missed. The vet announced that he no longer had a heartbeat and I held and kissed him for the last time.

After talking with my vet and one of the animal science professors, we have concluded that Sitka must have been infected by his mother. Like FIP, his virus must have started off asymptomatic and then later mutated and infected and spread throughout his body. Marshall Farms does not keep clean and disinfect cages. They do not test their ferrets for diseases like these and they do not care how genetically healthy their breeder ferrets are. They only care about producing cute and exotic colored kits no matter the issues that come along with them. I wouldn’t wish any ferret owner to experience what I did, but knowing that Marshall Farms will continue to mass-produce and inbred ferrets in unclean conditions, it is bound to happen again. Sitka was only 8 months old when he left me. He and all the others like him deserve justice. Please boycott Marshall Farms and all their products.”

Sitka is not the first, and certainly wont be the last, Marshall ferret to leave his owners much too young. Unhealthy breeding practices are the tip of the iceberg when it comes to problems with Marshall Ferrets. Do your part to stop the breeding of ferrets at ferret hell (aka MF). Do not buy ferrets from pet stores. Do not purchase any Marshall products (this includes toys, cage accessories, food, treats, and shampoos). We have the power to make a difference for ferrets across North America.

If you have a story about a mill bred ferret that you would like to share, please send it to our submit box so we can use it to help educate.

[alenajade]

❛ alexa demie, 19, cisfemale, she/her ❜ was that ALENA MONTANEZ i just saw hurrying across the quad? you’d think they would know what happens when a SOPHOMORE is late to class. then again, the FASHION major has been known to be pretty MANIPULATIVE. maybe being so VIVACIOUS helps keep them out of trouble. i heard that they are BISEXUAL and love DADDY KINK + SIZE DIFFERENCE

ayyye it’s G bringing ya’ll yet another lovable trash heap (i play Ezra too hi) ! figured I’d up my chances of being able to plot with as many people as possible if I had both a male & a female, plus I’ve been dying for a chance to use alexa as a fc so! alena is a brand new muse i’ve never played before & i’m super hype to develop her here for the first time ok so lemme just FINALLY get around to introducing this bitch real quick

OTHER KINKS: CHOKING, ORGASM CONTROL/DENIAL, BODY WORSHIP (REC), FORCE, PUNISHMENT + REWARD, ANAL, SPANKING, MARKING, BITING, HAIR PULLING,  DOMINANCE,  VOYEURISM,  CLOTHES ON, GROUP SEX, SEXUAL PAIN, ORDERS (REC)(GIV), BEING FILMED / PHOTOGRAPHED

alena jade montanez was born that bitch.

 was such a daddy’s girl up until age 6 when he left her, her mom, and her (at the time) 4, almost 5 year old little sister to pursue a new life with his mistress- after that, alena’s grandmother moved in with them, and her mom went through such a transformative stage that she had no choice but to pick herself up and make the decision to raise the strongest, most confident daughters she possibly could, because she never wanted a man to be able to break them the way the one she’d thought was her soulmate had broken her

and that’s exactly what she did 

alena grew up in a small town in pennsylvania; her mom had wanted to move after the divorce, but decided it best for alena not to uproot her when she was already accustomed to the life she had there. her mom made sure she was involved in absolutely everything she could possibly do so she wasn’t bored out of her mind, often driving her miles and miles to bigger cities for gymnastics meets and practices, cheerleading practice/competitions, dance practice/competitions, etc

thanks to child support from her dirtbag dad, who never tried to maintain a father/daughter relationship with her or her sister after she left, and both her mom and grandma essentially revolving their lives around caring for the girls, alena never really wanted for anything- in fact, materialistically speaking, she was spoiled rotten

every toy, every lavish birthday party, every cute little outfit, and as she got older every expensive new makeup release she just had to have, alena always got, and she rarely ever had to make a fuss or ask twice, meaning she was bred into someone who absolutely despises being told no or being told what to do

her mom eventually remarried (alena would’ve been around 8) a dude who alena just never connected with or considered any kind of father figure, but he was loaded, and out of that deal came her step sister around her same age who she loves VERY much (wc!!)

she was head cheerleader at her high school, she was also voted prom queen, but she never wanted to be one of those bitches who peaked in high school, 

so that’s why, even though she partied way 2 much and sucked way 2 much dick to actually be learning anything in hs, she got good grades and always aced her tests because she knew she wanted to be able to go to college and eventually move away- she chose noru bc it’s close to home so she can still visit her mom and her grandma, and ofc bc of its party school reputatuion

she’s a full on bratz doll personified okay she has a passion 4 fashion or whateva, she loves makeup and she’s loved making her own clothes from the time she learned to sew at just 11 years old, which is why she’s at northridge studying fashion- her main goal (is to blow up, and then act like she don’t know noboday) is to eventually get accepted for transfer to the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising in los angeles and get out of PA altogether 

she hates PA because... well, she feels fucking haunted here. literally and figuratively

lemme explain: my girl sees ghosts- like either she was born with something wrong with her (CW: f u don’t wanna read abt this spooky stuff or don’t believe in the paranormal u can go w/ that & skip this whole part but) she sees ghosts, str8 up, bc it’s been this way all her life, as long as she can remember

the house she grew up in was crazy haunted and that means she saw a lot of creepy messed up shit happen growing up- but the rly fucked up part comes in how, even after her family moved out of their house and into a new place right before alena turned 16... the creepy haunting shit didn’t stop, it got worse, with family belongings going missing, cupboard doors and windows all being found open in the middle of the night, incessant footsteps, whisperings, and unexplainable banging sounds. 

instead of a new environment solving the haunting problem, it was like whatever energy had been in their previous home had somehow attached itself to her. alena started having horrific bouts of sleep paralysis literally every time she slept too deeply or for too long- this has continued into her early adulthood, and because of this she:

!!! literally, doesn’t sleep- like, gets as little sleep as humanly possible, as a person could possibly function on, and she does it with the help of her rampant caffeine addiction and (TW: drug use) stimulant drugs- you will never catch alena smoking pot or wax bc it will make her sleepy and she won’t feel safe

that also means she never spends the night with anyone because then they’ll know how fuckt up she really is, so she prefers to keep things surface-level with most people, putting on an individualized performance for anyone she is attracted enough to to pursue, but never letting it get any deeper than casual sex

loves and is so fiercely protective of all the women in her life!!! is more likely to be leery of or mistrusting with men, but ofc there’ll be exceptions

and YEA that’s p much what i have for her so far, like i said she’s brand new so i wanna do most of her development here in this group but i had to get something up !!

i’m working on a connections page for her but some stuff i’d love off the top off my head are !!! ofc her younger sister (would be not quite 2 years younger than alena, so freshman age/ just turned 18) and her step-sister (would be the same age as her, 19 going on 20), best friends / squad, (she’s a cheerleader but she’s not a captain or anything bc her focus is on fashion now that she’s @ uni), an ex bf/ gf / fling (or 12 ), fwb, enemies w/ benefits, frenemies, exes who hate each other but still fuck, a professor / administrator she fucks on the reg (bonus points if they’re older and/or married), anything ur lil heart desires ok hmu <3

[racefortheironthrone]

Thoughts on Powers of X #2

We’re working on a deadline here, so let’s get to it!

Once Again, We Return...to Octopusheim (X^0):

In this section, Charles and Moira go to Octopusheim to share what they’ve learned with Magneto in order to gain his support for their whole mutant unity masterplan. 

Thanks to the timeline infographic from last issue, we know exactly when this particular meeting at Octopusheim is happening - it’s Year 43, four years before the “Moira/Xavier/Magneto schism,” six years before the Genoshan genocide, and nine years before the present day. This timing is quite interesting, because it suggests a high degree of patience on their part. After all, it’s been twenty six years since Moira first introduced herself(herselves?) to Charles, which is a lot of time to not make moves. On the other hand, having a head start didn’t help in earlier lives, so there may be some other rationale. 

There’s a really interesting echoing of Giant-Sized X-Men #1, with Xavier explicitly in the role of recruiter once again (we’ll see other pitches of his throughout the rest of HoX/PoX). The difference is that rather than relying on his normal posture of benevolent, almost wizardly, superior knowledge, Charles is using an admission of mutual fault to put them on an even level, which is necessary to gain Magneto’s trust for the psychic link to Moira. 

Incidentally, when it comes to character voice, Hickman does an impressive job of nailing not just Magneto but the specific era of Magneto when Chris Claremont re-invented him as the Miltonian anti-villain holding the world to ransom in the name of enlightened despotism and mutant self-protection. “Who determines waht is truly good and truly evil?...I do. I decide.” is particularly well-observed, right down to his ironically Nietzschean self-conception. 

At the same time, Moira’s query is clearly meant to shift the terms of discussion from the scientific (”you’re a specialist, specializing in the behavior of mutants”) to the religious. As her warning that “my truth is profound and life changing. It’s primal...” suggests, Moira is testifying in the Protestant sense of the word. 

What follows is a series of psychic images of failure that bring the Satanically-proud Magneto to his knees, but remain really ambiguous: his death by Sentinel could be from pretty much any life other than 9, although 4 or 5 seem most likely;  given his costume, the image of him in chains seems to be from the Trial of Magneto, which could be in Life 4 or 10; the central image of him with furious glowing eyes could be generic or perhaps a reference to the couple times he’s used artifical power-boosters; the image of him in a SHIELD tank being observed by Nick Fury is unclear; and him fighting the Shadow King is particularly singular, since the Shadow King has yet to show up in the narrative. Interestingly, we don’t see Moira showing him his death at Apocalypse’s hands in Life 9. 

For his own part, Xavier is preaching a much more secular argument: mutant unity in order to not merely survive but thrive, which is very Adam Smithian. I’m not the expert that Nir Revel is when it comes to drawing parallels between Israeli history and HoX/PoX, but even with the one course I’ve taken in Israeli history, I could see the parallel between the bargain that Magneto strikes with Xavier (”I won’t acquiesce to sympathy or doubt...I won’t give an inch, I will check you at every moment of weakness”) reads a lot like the compromises made at the founding of the State of Israel between the leaders of the various political parties.

Then again, I think the allegory works for political leaders at the time of the founding of any number of nation-states, which is one of the things that makes the business of nation-building so very difficult. At every step, there are innumerable obstacles of the moment, yet the decisions made on how to overcome them will always have unforeseeable long-term consequences. Something to keep one’s eye on for the future.

Does It Need Doing? (X^1):

In a direct follow-up from Powers of X #1 and House of X #1, Cyclops gets briefed on the Mother Mold/Nimrod mission. Incidentally, I think this segment is a great counter-example to the somewhat overblown statements from some in the fandom that all of these characters are mindless pod-people who are acting out of character; throughout this briefing, Scott is consistently snarky in a very dry way that feels very in character to me.

Magneto’s pointed reference to Operation Paperclip with regards to Orchis I think further emphasizes an ongoing theme that Hickman’s working on with regards to nation-states, nation-building, and nationalism: no nation is free from sin. Even after fighting “the good war” against fascism, the U.S recruited Nazi scientists to give it a technological edge in the Cold War for the same stated reasons of necessity that drive both Krakoan and Orchis policy.

Following on from House of X #2, not only are humans a mere road-bump compared to Sentinels, but even Mother Mold itself is viewed as a secondary problem compared to the hostile AI singularity that is Nimrod. 

And further showing how everything links to everything, this mission happens because of the information that Moira brought back from Life 9/X^2. More on this in a bit.

Machines Are Pure Information (X^2):

Speaking of which, we shift to another briefing on Krakoa, one life and a hundred years distant, in which Rasputin and Cardinal brief Apocalypse about the fruits of their own partially-successful clandestine mission.

While Apocalypse is very Apocalypsy in this segment, what with the idea that civilization is the fruit of war and that he’d happily sacrifice Rasputin and Cardinal both for the information he’s received, it is really interesting to see him talk about the powers and perils of information and the dangers of analysis paralysis; this last topic is particularly important as the series continues to explore the nature of these vast, universe-spanning consciousnesses. More on this in a bit.

Speaking of which, we see Nimrod the Lesser getting really distracted by trying to figure out what the mutants were up to, something that will arguably be his downfall. Incidentally, Nimrod’s casual execution of two humans for mouthing off to him not only suggests the lie at the heart of the Man-Machine Supremacy, but also that whatever kind of A.I he might be, he absolutely did not pass the “Heller-Faust line,” because he’s clearly a sociopath who lashes out violently due to emotional impulse. 

 Going back to Asteroid K, we go back to a discussion of how the machines’ problem is that they “archive every moment of everything,” which makes it impossible for them or anyone else to actually make use of the data. If we apply the same problem to the Phalanx and the other universe-spanning consciousnesses, which for all their vaunted intelligences seem to restrict themselves to consumption of resources and calculation of data without any higher purpose, I’m left wondering whether these singularities are actually idiot gods capering at the heart of the universe.

By contrast, the mutant resistance find their purpose in transcending the bare necessities of survival in the name of transcendant meaning. 

Nimbus Infographic:

This infographic, read together with the one that ends the issue, is where we really start to see what X^3 is about, namely Hickman’s thinking on technological/mechanical transhumanism.

To begin with, we learn that the people I’ve been referring to as blutants describe themselves as “post-human,” which suggests that the “human-machine-mutant war” ultimately ended in some sort of synthesis between mutant and machine. Not only do the post-humans have “seer-selves,” but we see that Nimbus started as the “copying - and integration - of their minds into a single thinking machine.”

Moving on, it’s interesting to note that the language of X^3 is entirely focused on terms of assimilation between cultures - will it take place as a consensual “suitor-alliance” or forceful consumption of the lesser by the greater? Is there a difference, when we’re talking about the “ascension” of copied minds?

It’s not a good sign that Nimbus’ interaction with Niburu is all about using “force...to inject” a planet with consciousness, or that the Worldmind decides to take a detour to “consume multiple Saturinian and Jovian moons ino order to increase its...intellect.” Over and over again, intellect and consumption go hand in hand, but we never see intellect actually getting used for anything meaningful (transcendant or otherwise).

Universal Predators (X^3):

Speaking of which, we see in the next section that the whole project of the post-human Outreach project is to negotiate the terms of ascension so that their culture is “preserved” rather than “mined,” in a context in which civilizations interact seemingly only in terms of predator and prey.

It’s particularly ominous that the Phalanx’s opening words are that they “ate your worldmind,” in a process that involves a lost struggle for “sovereignty” - a term that should ring particularly ominously given Krakoa’s struggle to be recognized as a sovereign nation-state.

That the post-humans’ goal is ascension is likewise troubling, because of how closely it tracks the self-abnegating human religion of X^2 (which we’ll see in the next issue) and suggests that the post-humans have abandoned the biological transhumanism of the X^2 mutant resistance.

Types of Societies Infographic:

This infographic reads very differently in the wake of Powers of X #5, suggesting a trans-universe taxonomy of intelligences, with each rung on the ladder thinking it’s the biggest and baddest out there, only to become fodder for the next higher up.

As people have noted, Xavier’s backup of mutant minds through Cerebro potentially puts Krakoa on the ladder, since they’re potentially far above the SI:1 (Machine) level if they ever combine the backups.

At the same time, we’ll see in future issues a number of biomachines - the eight-person long-distance communications system we see in Powers of X , the Five-person (or six-person, given the integral role that Xavier/Cerebro plays) resurrection system, the six-person Krakoan systems (Interface, Transit/Monitoring, Defense/Observation, Secondary/External, Overwatch/Data Analysis), and possibly the five-part Cerebro system - that would seem to be a parallel to the SI:10 (HIve) level of machine consciousness.

Similarly, Cerebro’s database of mutant minds (or the population of Krakoa) could potentially go straight up the chain from Intelligence (SI:100-10,000) to Phalanx (SI:1,000,000)...if the database was turned into a consciousness of its own following the uncommon Kree model, although that would seem to run counter to Krakoan taboos.

Speaking of my skepticism about the intellect of these machine consciousnesses, the deception at the heart of the Technarch (SI:10,000) and Phalanx relationship suggests that, on a universe-wide scale, the Technarchs seem to be rather mindless drones whose only purpose is providing resources to their masters.

One thing that’s slightly odd about Hickman’s description of the Worldmind (SI:100,000) is that, based on its descriptions here, it really should be a Type I Kardashev civilization rather than a Type II, since the line between I and II is planetary vs. solar system-wide energy usage/control.

A final note on the ambiguity of the suitor-alliance vs. consumption relationship - while the post-humans view Ascension as an alternative, this infographic describes Ascension as “consuming” for the purpose of “adding to its intelligence needs.” Either way, you’re just food for thought.