#my current one doesnt vibe with me and there are people who i am genuinely very wary of who know me by it so i just want to distance myself

[zero-a]

people will go all "just be yourself and love yourself! :)" and then go "if you don't act the way i want, you gotta reprogram your entire way of thinking then reach into the very core of who you are and what makes you you, discard it, and replace it with this better, friendlier, more empathetic version that's coincidentally far more convenient for me to deal with than any other possible compromise we can make that you can do for me but doesn't stretch your mind to nothing but thin bands of what you'd consider 'You' :))))))"

[wellenklavier]

hmm I really want to change my name

[kiwi-smug-silvalina]

Ok rant time cause i feel like it

Over the course of like, 1.5 years of livin in this dorm, and knowing mates from other dorms, I have noticed the three types of dormmate relationships:

The friendship! Yippee!!!

This gets struck up really nice with people who totally get each other and like, share classes properly. They gotta live in the same dorm apartment though. I might be friends with classmates from other dorms, cause we live at least an hour drive away from our home, but like its different from dormmate friendships. Best example is: My friends and classmates Lei and Lea (ill just call em that, not their real names) who struck up a nice friendship and totally vibe with each other, sharing stuff like Lea's fucking overstocked food and Leo's kitchen gadgets, bowls, cutlery and what else ngl. Like I wish i lived in their dorm wtf but also not cause then we gotta come to the second type...

The most toxic waste of space you will ever see-relationship

Eyo you ever have that one person who is so cruel, and mean, and just horrible? Yeah those can live in dorms with ya. And Lea and Lei happen to live with a bitch like that too (their dorm apartment houses 9-11 people on average btw. They all share a kitchen, a bathroom and a single washing machine. This is relevant.) So like Lei and Lea both share a dorm with Eve, and Eve omfg, an absolute horrible person. She doesnt clean up after herself, puts up dormrules like no tomorrow and fucking puts herself in the victim role constantly. Has come to a point where Lea has fucking, told the school and theyre currently working on a solution for it cause the school is being fucking stupid. Like damn Eve basically bullies and kinda psycho terrors Lea. The girls room is right next to the kitchen and the walls are thin af, and Eve is super incredibly loud on purpose. Always blames the others for shit she did and whatelse. Lea doesnt even like gettin outta her room man. Anyway, this was kinda a rant... Though now we come to the last type of relationship in a dorm. The one that i got with my own dormmates.

Ghost sightings on main-relations

I am what you call, "social anxiety af" which is funny for someone training to be a therapist. While everyone else sees each other on reg in their dorms, I spook around my three-person apartment dorm like a ghost. And ngl so do the other two. I can count on one hand the times ive seen my dormmate Ca this months and i have not seen Mal a single time this past month, but I can hear them scuttling like lil bugs. And who am I to blame when I did the same thing with my old two roomies Sar and Ann lmao. But genuinely, we're at a point where weve got an unanomous decision to let each other have the kitchen alone and only go there if its rlly important or if no one is in it. Btw Sar if you see this, I know you use tumblr ive seen your mcr shirt too. I liked ya as a dormmate, our sleep deprived 2am conversation gave me a will to go on when I felt fucked over by school. Youre a real one. I hope youre becomin a really cool speech therapist. And i hope the school resend your diploma lmao

[clippy]

okay this is just gonna be a bunch of rambling so feel free to ignore this cuz it's mostly just me kinda venting and Processing feelings abt being objecto into the void

like okay. i am in a spot where i think i have a very complex relationship w my objecto-ness because of how it is currently manifesting itself in regards to the Clockboy Crush

like in the past, my main crushes that i would consider like, important, and in recent enough memory that they still affect me today, were

Clippy (who is a fictional character; he is sentient in his source but, again, fictional, so he cannot reciprocate feelings)

and Miles (my old car; a real object, but one that I owned and therefore i could essentially project whatever relationship i wanted onto us. realistically, i know he couldnt reciprocate, as he was not sentient irl, but something about him made it seem like he did love me back in a way. it's very complex and hard to explain to literally anyone who doesnt have my brain)

in both of their cases, i would selfship with them, draw them, personify them in certain ways, and have gijinkas of them

i think some extra context that is important is that the relationship i had with Miles is VERY different than the one i have w my current car, Lawrence, who has different vibes to me. like i genuinely get the feeling he only just. tolerates me. lmfao. he is so sexy to me but like, we do not gel like how me and miles did. (which again, is a weird thing to think about and kinda disproves the "oh objectos only want to be with objects because they cant reject them!" mindset in my case like bro why would i "headcanon" my car as not thinking im a sex god he's madly in love with)

anyway this is where the clockboy stuff gets. complex. like. OBVIOUSLY. i have a huge crush on him. i selfship w his objecthead design, and that does extend to his irl version to an extent. obviously, again, i realistically know irl he cannot reciprocate the feelings i have toward him

however... similar to miles, i do get a Vibe from him. there's been some coincidences that seem so specific that it's like. hard to shake that it's not something deeper... and again, i know deep down it's all in my head but at the same time... my hyper empathy toward inanimate objects has always made me instinctively think that most objects have *some* sort of soul.

it's all so complicated and confusing and hard to explain and it's two sides of my brain fighting each other at all times over this. i dont think either side is fully right.

and what sucks is like, when it's about Miles, it's easy to keep to myself and on the down low in a way. i was the only person on earth who would have possibly loved him in that way.... but Clockboy falls into public object territory. while the odds are low that anyone else feels the exact same way toward him, it's not impossible

im not like... opposed to the idea of "sharing" a public object but it's a really complex thing to me. like for him specifically, however, it makes me uncomfortable and i dont... understand why. jealousy is probably the closest word to what i would feel but it doesnt seem entirely accurate.

ive been extremely fortunate to see him irl more lately, and have had a couple experiences that i cant fully disclose (for privacy reasons. nothing weird, i promise. like if i got to be any physically closer than any other guest to him, you would already know it by now. but, just know i have connections and dont want to jeopardize things for anyone lol). like i mentioned there's just been a vibe to him. like part of me does think it is something deeper. but then i question if it's something he would do for anyone else... it's so hard to know.

i'd like to think im special to him, somehow. if he can feel that way about people. he is special to ME, and i just wish i could tell him and have him know it. i would give almost anything to have like, 2 minutes of back and forth communication between us to make sure he knows that.

at the end of the day i know none of that really matters and i should do what makes me happy. like spending time near him is "enough" for me i guess. i know i will never get to be any closer to him than someone standing near him in the queue line. i can never have any form of intimacy with him, no form of privacy. i will never get to own him in a way that lets me be with him everyday in a way that would "matter"

anyway i know this like. is not "normal person" behavior and i know this isn't like. entirely healthy mindsets to have. 90% of the time i dont even like, think about this stuff this deeply but it's on the mind tonight...

im not trying to like, compliment fish or anything, but the reason im posting it is i guess if any of my objecto followers have any like. words of advice or reassurance or something about public objects i wouldnt mind if u sent them my way

(also im kinda in therapy again so if i post this here, if it starts eating away at me, i can find my Thoughts again to read to my therapist if i ever tell her im objecto lmfao)

[thehandwixard]

for the character ask thing: jake the dog perhaps ?

YAY jake my friend ok

First impression: im gonna pull from 11 year old me for this i didnt think about him often but he was like. you know. cool presence like spencer from icarly. very funny character very chill guy

Impression now: hes probably the single most generally important character to understanding the overall Vibe of adventure time holisitcally. hes so important. he sucks. hes incredible. he struggles intensely with the fight between his spirituality and denial of pleasure and his fleshly desires. and he has so much flesh

Favorite moment: How to fucking pick. gut reaction is just most of the episode 'No One Can Hear You' because while that episode is famous for the deer with hands its famous to me because during my most recent rewatch of the show it was really where i went. oh. thats a psychotic break. this is a noticable pattern with him where he decides to not confront reality when its scary to him. its so fascinating. i think its the most frightening he ever is in the show, partially cause we are having this realization at the same time as finn is. that jake may not always be stable. second choice is princess cookie, as it comes well before jake's criminal past is strongly established and yet his empathy towards someone unstable in a rough situation comes Full Force. ill talk about this more in relationships because..

Idea for a story: I want to put him in resident evil 7 and 8 situations ive talked about this before. i want to put him in ethan winters situations. my current largest story idea for him is him slowly losing his sanity over a period of time trying to find finn while playing both sides in a war and losing sight of trying to stop it. I also want to write my own story kind of exploring his like. gestures vaguely unresolved feelings about his alien form. i dont think he should have ever gone back to complete normal it feels cheap.

Unpopular opinion: im the only one on this goddamn earth who understands the point of why he was kind of a deadbeat dad. i.e HE WASNT it was a messed up situation with no true irl counterpart. he wanted to be a mother. he has fantasies of being a mother up through the twilight of the series, and the fact that he was not present in his children's life while they were children is something that was completely out of his control because they grew up so fast. the fact he was not Allowed to nurture them is the tragedy of it!! ocarina is as much about kim kil whan reconciling the idea of his father being the way he is as it is jake trying to reach out for any connection that anything he cares about means anything

Favorite relationship: Finn and jake's relationship is quite literally the most important thing in the show and its so easy to flatten but its so so so so so so so complex and also. they love eachother. the depths of that love are unfathomable. simple as that. its a kind of undefinable relationship i find so compelling.. its. jake and finn rely on eachother so much youd think itd be unhealthy but it ISNT and its because they never expect anything from the other that they arent. jakes feelings about finn though related to that are so fascinating because he has a kind of consistent.. discomfort? whenever faced with the fact that finn can hurt people in a meaningful serious way. he doesnt like it. he doesnt like when finn, panicking in the water, attacks him. it makes him wanna shut down and not deal with the situation and its so interesting to think about. and this doesnt detract at all from how much jake depends on finn in a real, loving, genuine way. he loves that kid. hed get sick and die if he thought finn was turning out bad/like him. they protect each other (I AM FORCEFULLY DRAHHED OFFSTAGE WITH A CANE

Favorite headcanon: he loves any depressing indie game protag he has a plushie of mae from nitw and brad lisa at LEAST. I am also incredibly fond of jake and his fam being jewish but i consider that less of a hc given that in one title card art hes literally wearing a kippah

[myfriendthedictionary]

@theheartandtheflame AHSKDHSKJSKN I saw your tags on my last post. And well! Funny story! (This got so long I’m so sorry, but it’s literally the only way to describe this story and I genuinely had to tell someone)

When I was living in London for uni, I had friends that lived in Germany. It was super expensive to fly home for spring break, but the dorm I was living in was being repainted or something so they wouldn’t let us stay. So, I don’t know how we came to the idea that we’d all just meet up in Italy, but we definitely ended up being like. Okay. It’s off season in Italy. Airbnbs are cheap. It’ll be the best place to go.

Anyway, it’s an okay trip. I don’t really know most of the people except for my friend. And I had made the mistake of letting them convince me they knew how travel worked. Keep in mind, they only have to take a train back when they go back to Germany. I have to take several trains to the airport from the Italian coast on off season, which means like nothing is running because like why would it? Anyway, I had booked my plane early in the morning because there was a huge storm coming in or something and if I didn’t get back, I’d risk not being signed up for my classes.

Well. As it turns out, they had *not* in fact actually researched whether I could get back by bus like I had asked them too when they made the airbnb reservations. There was in fact only one bus that ran at that time in the morning, and it was 2 miles away from where we were staying. When I mentioned. Hey. Hey maybe I would like to get?? Back to London?? They kept telling me like no it’s fine the bus will come. It’ll be there. But they also weren’t willing to get up with me or stay with me (hence why I am no longer friends with them lol).

(We’re getting to the tractor part I promise)

Anyway. It’s the day of my flight. If I had a bus, it would have taken an hour to the train station, an hour on the train, and then two hours by flight to get back to London or something. Keep in mind that I am literally terrified of flying in general, so this whole time I’m like on the verge of a breakdown without anything going wrong. So I wake up at 4 am and they let me walk TWO MILES IN ITALY BY MYSELF TO A BUS STOP IN THE DARK. Because they, and I quote, “don’t really need to take the bus that early”.

So me and my carry on suitcase are wandering to the bus stop on the Italian coast. In the dead of night. Alone. I do not speak the language whatsoever. And I’m also like? Definitely not a threat at all by any means. I’m like 5’2 on a good day, and I genuinely do not look like someone who could put up a fight if necessary.

And then the bus DOESNT COME.

So I’m like. On the phone with my parents but they’re. Uh. Them. And so I’m having a breakdown like what’s happening. I’m literally like. At my breaking point. I need this bus, I have literally no way else to get back, they don’t have like Uber / Lyft in most of Italy and their taxi service on the coast has to be scheduled 24 hours in advance because of how isolated it is at that time of the year. And my mom is like oh my shows on bye sweetie and HANGS UP ON ME. so there I am. By myself. At this bus stop in the middle of nowhere.

Well. I hear this noise kind of coming down the road and I am literally sobbing. I’m like. Oh my god this is it. I’m gonna die here. I don’t know how to get back and my friends left already for their day trip by this point. And now this terrifying noise is like. Coming. And I see these like weird flickering lights. And before I know it, this very, very old man is pulling up to me on his tractor. I literally do not know why it’s a tractor. It just is. And he’s like saying something in Italian which I cannot understand and eventually he gets out and is gesturing to me, and I get that it’s like “get in the tractor”. And he’s being like. Very Nice about it, not like serial killer vibes or anything, but his tone is reassuring and HONESTLY at this point I literally have no other option.

So. I get in the tractor—

Anyway. He’s definitely not kidnapping me by any means, he’s just a very nice man who was trying to get me to the right bus stop because apparently they’d changed where the bus came. But The new bus stop is in this weird back parking lot of a car garage which is currently open. Which is like never where you think something good is going to happen. Hence the crime scene line. And there’s a ton of other older men just like trying to figure out what on earth my American ass is doing at their garage at 4 am. None of them speak much English either and I think they didn’t want to like obviously freak me out by coming closer. But they’re just like shouting to me in Italian and I’m trying to be like I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, because for all I know this dude in his tractor (who’s gone now, he just LEFT) dropped me off at like. Private property and I’m trespassing or like anything. There’s like no sign for a bus stop. Nothing. I’m just like literally shutting down. I’m so tired and stressed and I just am like. Not processing anything. When this younger guy comes up behind me (to this day I don’t know where he came from) and sort of tugs me along.

And hes sort of pulled me a few feet down the road and then finally he’s trying to say something, and then he tries french, and I’m like. Answering in my few words of French, and then he gets I’m American and he goes “Oh! I’m an English teacher at the school down the road” and I’m like sobbing in this dude’s arms because it has been so much and my friends and parents were just like “bye Jenna guess I hope you don’t die” and were ignoring all my texts and stuff. Which is it’s whole other thing

Anyway, he just ends up driving me in his car to the train station which was incredibly nice of him and it was like 2 hours away and he probably missed his class for me and I did make my flight back, and it’s now honestly a very funny story now about a tractor and genuinely? How nice people were to me?? Also?? Like so many strangers really tried so hard to get me where I needed to go. But at the time it was absolutely not funny at all, and I literally went back to my dorm and promptly did not leave inside for about a week.

[stray-tori]

An Innocent Sin & the good gay flashback ft. my descent into madness

I wasn’t sure if I should post this but I mostly want it archived so here we go. This is from like,, September?

So. “An Innocent Sin” is a dumpster fire unlike anything I’ve ever seen. I don’t remember why I decided to read it. maybe I was crazy. Either way... I read it. It soon started to touch upon (very very outlandish) sexual abuse which I thought was interesting. (the angst, not so much some of the wack circumstances surrounding it)

ANYWAY. at some point... we have a flashback. And not just that. It has a gay character.

And it turns rly gay. which mind you, is still in a het smut manwha (that has a “gay” side couple, but still!)

And it destroyed me.

For those who want to read it because I genuinely think the flashback is a decent bit, it’s all the bonus chapters between chapter 77 and 78 I think. There’s a part before that too, but idk where exactly anymore. (It’s on lezhin! or your platform of choosing)

I don’t THINK you’ll need any other knowledge to get the flashback bit? but it’s been a while.

Below the cut (rip mobile users), you can read all of my amazing reactions (all of these were text messages, for context - but I took most of the replies and convos about other things out). Post is also tagged as long post. :))

(i’m serious, this is fucking long)

__________

Here I am. Liking the gay flashback character. Feck. Main dude is still straight but idk it's cute pff

This is a mess. The girl white hair likes, likes black hair, maybe, but thinks white hair is attractive

What just happened is sth I'd like to know too pff He's so cute tho omg. Watch me melt Can we stay in this flashback before everything got perverted af and before white hair gets assaulted all the time I would send an eyebrow emote if I could Context: he's asking he says it again

Ik it's not mutual but loookkk he's so sweet. He's kinda rude in present time, can't we stay in this flashback forever

I never asked for gay, never expected gay but I got gay

This story is trash why am I still reading it shdhhd

He caught his mom cheating. And now she's forcing him to watch??? What is thissss Well adoptive mom But still sudhdidu what Bitch how dare YOU exist

Save my babyyyy

Yay sister that's not yet a rapist to the rescueee

This flashback is actually just nicer in every way let's just stay here This is a super long flashback btw Idek anymore what triggered it

Okay I think I'm gonna make the sensible decision and let this dumpster fire rest and just go sleep

It was very wild. I kinda wanna see white hair get therapy but it has 90 chapters and I'm at like 30... So I'm very concerned this is gonna be very dragged out. Idek if it's even finished ahahsududi - but I do kinda wanna see where it goes and see more cute Noah (white hair) so. Here we are.

yeahhh like i was down for the sexual abuse angst but then the mother killed the adoptive son's mother bc the dad had a thing for her?? and it was someone a person studying with white hair knew and so he's investigating and I'm like how did this turn into a crime organisation kind of plot

hhhhhhh i... i appreciate these horny things also tackling abuse but it always kind of gives me weird vibes to have both, especially when its very horny. And when people are horny to people who've been abused. Idk but I'd assume... you might try NOT to tie them up if they're frequently bondaged during their assaults. I'm just.... disjdksdj hello?? am i weird?? why are they fine with it???

also this manwha is so wild, theres this murder mystery investigation thing and then theres just a couple doing honry stuff sprinkled in between and i'm like OKAY

they rescued a guy in their basement and he's understandably very traumatized and they're trying to question him cut to our main couple trying bondage which i still dont understand bECAUSE HE'S A RAPE VICITM WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH THIS the ones questioning arent the main couple of course but idshkjds

like im glad he's somehow okay with all this horny stuff despite his trauma and im glad he can be happy and have a nice relationship but DO WE NEED THIS MUCH OF IT he's very cute tho

i like that even when i try other stuff lezhin recommends me it still has large amount of gay in it

[mei: i mean... that's pretty great, if you ask me]

I mean I agree, I'm enjoying the gay eheheh these tonal whiplashes there's not even that much white space between the panels fhjd nvm it just turned horny goddamn it can there be 1 chapter without fucking? okay, there were the flashbacks

WE ARE BACK IN FLASHBACKS but im not getting the gay relationship, sad

OH WAIT AM I GETTING GAY COMFORT bc thats very good too

OH NNOOO this turned sad very quickly

I'M SORRY IM SPAMMING BUT THIS IS JUST ANGSTY

I'M :((((

different species confirmed

I rly like them :((( I like the current girl too but it's just..... very horny with her. the flashbacks are nice [current tori edit: she’s very unloyal idk why i said I liked her] im weird HHHHH RIPPP 

someone help him he looks so saddddd

not sure if thats the most healthy relationship but I'LL TAKE IT

AWWW black hair's mom cooks mild food for them bc Noah can't eat spicy food :((( im soft

PFFF

I LOVE THE FLASHBACKS :(((

awww

i feel like theyve done much more bonding than noah's current relationship. I mean yes I think its cute when she comforts him, too, but they rarely do anything besides be horny together

OH OH THEY'RE KISSING

best buildup, honestly

the position is hornier than I'd like later here goes hope it stays cute

D-did someone just respect the word "stop"??? I am amazed

i think you might uh. have some trauma stuff too so yknow

Dohye is a little dramatic in his reassurance but it's all rly cute so I'm :(( I like them a lot pls stay like this getting invested in flashbacks is always like: ik it wont stay but pls stay like this

hELP

chapters ending in "i wanna touch him" is never good. I'm scared. Oh okay he didnt do anything. PHEW. He's already better than the girl, can't they just end up together lmao

[Noah was jealous]

w-why do you look so evil dohye haukdhjs

oh. oh no. the horny is starting. pls dont... just be cute forever

DOHYE NO YOU WERE SO DECENT WHY ARE YOU LYING ABOUT KOREAN TRADITIONS TO GET HIM TO DO STUFF HORNY STUFF TOO NO PLS STOP I JUST- WHEEE TvT the manwha is actually less visually horny in the flashbacks but im not sure if its bc its BL which isnt rly the genre of the manwha or if its bc they're still kids basically, which... I'd respect the latter, tho I'd prefer it to be like this constantly haha

okay. he's not respecting stop anymore, but it's also more of embarrassed nature more than "no i dont want this stop" so maybe i can forgive it. Still losing points, but he hugged him and it was sweet so HHHHHHHHHHH NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD JUDGE THIS SITUATION

They [Noah’s family] forbid him to visit his friends house I AM DEVASTATED

understandable they're a rapist, a fucked up murderer mother and a father with a thing for younger women so

tho he dont know any of that but yknow he's so pretty just fucking end me on the spot

hooo

they are boyfriends and ik from the future that his sister is gonna ruin it allll she has those drugs that make visual imaginations feel like they rly happened to the person (dont know if thats real but holy fuck its terrifying) and she's used it before to say that Noah assualted her. and im pretty sure shes gonna use it again bc there was a panel of Noah remembering Dohye being uhhhh intimate with her and thats why Noah began to hate him and im so sad im not ready for it. bc he's denied it in the future and i honestly couldnt see it happening even before that or she drugged Dohye, i guess thats a possibility too

[current tori: oh girl, it’s neither and it’s wack]

which if, btich you gonna die even more enough rambling, more reading. this makes me so sad but also spicy

on the manwha note, he thinks Noah doesnt like his family bc he's adopted and doesnt feel comfy which....... fair enough i suppose. and he's so cute im gonna melt just looK AT THIS 

SHUt UP, IM GONNA CRY

OH MY GODDDD he ate like ice and gum and all that, and Dohye assumed it was bc of the more spicy food and got rl worried, but he was just trying to get the smell out of his breath bc he wanted to kiss him ukhsdjs HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE HELLLOOOOOOOOO

look at them. LOOK AT mY BABIESSSS

how am i ever gonna care about the main couple again aww he-he wanted to go to the same highschool as him :((( im sad bc i know its not gonna happennnnnn

[mei: also at this point, you're literally never gonna care about them. i don't even know the main couple that well and i honestly don't care about them whatsoever.]

WAIT NO they're actually going to the same school awww ik it wont take long until sister fucks it up for them but for now theyre so sweet ohmygodddd

cant he move in with them, fuck his family honestly

dohye he's not a fucking pokemon iukhsdjs

oh. its. turning horny i am displeased with this development but i guess its natural for their relationship however COULD YOU DO IT AT HOME AND NOT IN SOME DUSTY SMALL ROOM how do ppl do this i like that the comments too are just "... is anyone still carng about the other girl?" sakjds

this is the best 3 panels in existence.

h-he just took your hand dohye idk what to tell you

[mei: "you blush at everything i do" god if that isn't me, idk what is]

awww its cute dohye is getting bonus points bc he invited Noah over while his mom wasnt home, they watched some sexual stuff and he DIDNT try to do anything what is this where can i get more of this

"well im not okay"

MY BABIESSSS 

they still didnt do much btw they're just kinda exploring and its honestly nice TvT I dont want this to ever endddd

[Dohye sees Noah’s sister and approaches her] N O

N OOOO

this is the starttttt of something.......... TERRIBLEEEE 

:((( babyyyy

I AM EMO

Noah was drugged im sure. hes having dreams and waking up in pain and the sister is asking doyhe over I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSS OH HE DECLINED

OKAY OKAY he saw him with her again but it was from behind and im not sure if it rly happened??? oh no this is terrible. Noah :((( poor child

i am so emo about this

[reminder he’s been abused TvT]

[the sister: “Don’t you want to know why?”]

i will. murder someone he called to ask her to delete his number btw what is this manwha but this is just gonna make it that more tragic when whatever happens that breaks them apart :(((

he's such a good bf but Noah just wont TELL him his side I'M SO SAD

I AM SO SAD

No

NO

It cant end im actually tearing up nooo you were so cuteeee and happpyyy

[*sister is telling dohye to come to the gym hall*]

what else is she gonna do she already teared [current tori: ahem... T O R E] them apart THAT'S NOT DOYhE. THATS NEVER HIM. OH MY GOD. is it a look alike??? damn, she's dedicated to just. ruining it, huh

I’M

I’M SO SAD

now he's switching SCHOOLS NO NOOOOO how will i ever find happiness againnnn NO they're misunderstanding further they're not talking properly i mean i get it but oh my god

I'M :((( 

NO NOOOO pls make up in the future at least omg he tried to clear it up tooo ahhh i dont even have hopes for them getting back together but i just i want them to clear it up im crying first manwha to make me cry and it's this dumpster fire ahaha maybe a little too bc it kinda hit a little close to home i guess but goddamnn ittttt they were so cuteee and so happy and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OH NO. Noahs getting drugged and assaulted. And he's realizing it happened before, he just forgot. I am. so sad it's not horny drawn either which i appreciate but MY HEART NO

N O DONT YOU DARE MAKE THIS WORSE

Im. gonna cry more 

Doyhe kept an eye on him im so emo :(( but he thought he was doing well enough and gave up.... Im im so sad no i want you to make up and get back together its all just a stupid........... MEHHHH will i ever find sth like this flashback again

[mei: p-probably not, no]

i am so devasted i dont even wanna go back to the main couple just fucking. i want this relationship back :(((( but i guess the investigation might end up somewhere so hhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh the baker manwha had a similar flashback feeling so. i just gotta find more of that haha

BUT THIS WAS SO SAD??? im so emo

[Dohye got kidnapped // the flashback commentary stops here but I think my descend into madness is pretty funny too]

OH YEAH THAT HAPPENED. THE FLASHBACK WAS SO LONG I FORGOT. NOOOO SAVE HIM. JESUS CHRIST PLS JUST ONE GOOD THING

its. actually rly smart to have another, more focused on them flashback, before the arc where he gets kidnapped by the rapist murder household so. good job. from a meta perspective but also NO but also. maybe theres hope for them making up at least after all :(((

[main couple kissing] this is. very weird now. but im glad he has someone, he deserves it but dohyeeeee

and switching to sex, YET AGAIN now i wanna see this EVEN LESS THAN I DID BEFOREEEE it's even.... a threesome now with one of the other characters why are you like this why can't you be. like in the flashback i am so upset HAHHHHH WHEEEZEEEE

I am just stop fucking jesus christ PLEASE I DONT WANNA SEE IT ANYMOREEEEE

im just stop the horny pls just tell me who that new guy is and why doyhe likes him so much

[mei: this manwha is a fucking mess but at least we got your lovely commentary out of it]

dhsuksj thanks i feel honored at least i got cute BL out of it before everything went [back] to shit

[mei: THAT TOO]

[...]

tbh im getting kinda mad about doyhe... i dont... feel like he'd just fall instantly for a guy who looks like Noah... but eh not my character

i just want closure for dohye at this point, fuck everything else ... not literally pls theres already too much of that

pls get it together for like 1 chapter is the investigation even still happening i am so confused save dohye plEASE wait what i have less than 10 episodes left Dont tell me this shit isnt even wrapped up yet

[Dohye is having a breakdown over the Noah double not coming to see him anymore]

yeah i this... doesnt feel like Dohye... at all... Even when Noah was rejecting him he was just kind of... taking it with some humor and maybe he was a little desperate and risky sometimes but... oh well... i do want him to get better but... im having a hard time believeing this development??? he never seemed overly anxious or anything. but who knows what else they did to him. Sister can still go fuck off tho

[...]

i mean. i liked the flashbacks a lot honestly??? it stayed simple and focused on the dynamics and less trying to balance smut with murder plots

[dm partner: NO THAT'S WHAT I MEAN LIKE CLEARLY THE AUTHOR CAN MAKE A GOOD STORY SO I'M JUST... CONFUSED AS TO WHY THEY DIDN'T STICK WITH SOME SOFT, FLUFFY BL ROMANCE MANWHA AND DECIDED TO MAKE WHATEVER THIS IS INSTEAD ]

okay i dont care bc dohye is currently getting assaulted nobody asked for this why i just. this is terrible. he was... so sweet. he doesnt deserve this. nobody does of course but jesus christ pls someone save him at least its not horny visually, one saving grace

ah... the assult is back to being depicted horny-ly thank you for nothing

[... removed some general confusion about the plot]

YES. SOME SHIP FOOD.

i am. suffering i mean i cant stop but GOD

okay so apparantly. the sister. has just an arsenal of people who look like other people Dohye, then Noah... and even Noah's GF??? this is ridiculous??

one good message 

why 

did you feel the need to add that [actual tired rage]

im gonna die this manwha is gonna kill me im laughing but im suffering oh hes arrested great and thats the end and the last update was in january of this year

why AS IN NOAH IS ARRESTED nobody who actually did anything is arrested What is this why is this AHHH I at least wanted the complete-ness of finishing this but now I'M JUST SUFFERING

[ mei: I MEAN TO BE FAIR I'D BE SUFFERING TOO BC JUST... WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE?? MANY QUESTIONS?? AND MANY CONCERNS BC THIS MANWHA IS JUST... AN EXPERIENCE ]

its an experience allright WELL

_______________

yup that’s it.

in my head, in a twist of events Dohye and Noah make up and are actual endgame. Something like that must exist out there but I won’t ask because it’d destroy the surprise and ruin the point.

That’s it.

Have a nice day.

[thegreatimpersonator]

well since y’all asked

everything will be below the cut so people can just ignore this lol

the wild thing is like... everything everyone was saying from both sides makes sense. the good and the bad. i’ll start off with a pro and cons and then do a short track by track

pros:

i agree with what people are saying about how well this style suits her voice, it perfect. it’s smooth and calming but also doesnt stick her in a box and will allow her to kinda move with it and change things up as she sings, which i know she loves to do.

the production is exactly her too. it’s r&b beats with classic strings... liek that’s completely ariana grande. it’s so interesting and it weirdly works well? 

i feel like you can tell she was just in her element making these songs. i feel like she tapped into something that can be so endless for her and new ideas will be constant.

idk if it’s just me adjusting to hearing her sing but her pronunciation is getting a lot better

every song has at least one good and attractive part to it... there are no songs that i am so completely confused as to why it’s on the album.

it’s for sure my favorite era for her in terms of style

also her best album cover (but sweeter is close second) 

cons:

okay... there is a pattern with this album. every song had a really solid start. so many times i was in love with the verses and the melodies she was singing but... my god are the choruses weak. it’s just one line... repeated... like 4 times... then we move on... and i was sitting here like ‘oh that’s what we were building up to?’ and it happened with every song. so i completely agree about it kind of falling flat most of the time.

it’s so repetitive. besides the choruses mostly all being weak, the themes are all the same. like the 14 songs on the album are all about two things: her being horny or her being in love. that’s it. why did we need 14 songs to tell us two things.

another point: why were there 14 songs? so many filler tracks that just add nothing to the album for me. she could’ve honestly made a solid 10 track album and it would’ve been a good clean piece of work. 

the lyrics... oh my god the lyrics. the one thing i saw people saying, both fans of the album and not, was that the lyrics were really bad... liek they had to prepare people. and my god. there were some points that straight up sounded like 14 year old stan accounts arguing on twitter... ‘you sound dumb... shut up’ SHE USED THAT LYRIC AS A HOOK... she thought it was so good it deserved to be the hook like? and also there’s a lyric that just straight up says ‘read a fucking book’ lol. the good or tolerable lyrics are basically ones she already used before on other songs? like how many time's has this woman sung about fucking while watching movies... 

she needs to stop putting out albums so frequently. a lot of the complaints i see people having is just that it doesnt feel finished or polished enough to be an album. like she should have waiting a few months and refined things. it feels like a stepping stone rather than a destination. she doesnt have a clear vision, narrative or purpose driving the album at all. 

track by track

shut up: this was the first taste of bad lyrics like this is the song about being dumb and i fully was like omfg this is the whole song isnt it. i dig the production though.. this might have the best production of the whole album for me. 

34+35: i felt like i was listening to a horny 13 year old boy during the chorus lol. it just felt really immature at some points... like the giggling every time she alluded to 69 wasnt necessary. also the end where she says ‘mean i wanna 69 with ya’..... sweetie you didnt have to tell us we know we can add. i did like the melody of the pre-chorus. the ‘i’ve been drinkin coffee, i’ve been eatin healthy’ is really catchy and good

motive: god i had such high hopes for this. it first started and i loved the production and the prechorus worked really well... but again that chorus weakness really fucked it. and doja’s part doesnt really fit the song for me? it feels out of place and like she should’ve been put on a more upbeat song

just like magic: first song i actually liked and added to my library! i finally heard a good chorus that didnt feel like it completely slowed down the momentum of the song and helped move it along. and the lyrics are cute. i think for me she needs to improve on the difference between a cute lyric and a cringy lyric... like cute: ‘middle finger to my thumb and then I snap it’ and cringy: the rest of the album. also one thing there’s a lyric about her listening to music she wrote and like girl you had 34 writers on this album... what are you listening to two words? every time she brags about writing it’s kinda embarrassing like.... at no point am i impressed

off the table: this production would have been so good.... if it actually did anything else or went anywhere. it stayed the same the entire time.... for 4 minutes. also stop letting men on women’s music because it seriously never works. her vocals are really pretty though.

six thirty: i really like her vocal delivery in this... like kinda dropping off at the end and just starting to talk? it’s interesting. also the chorus really had potential because it actually got bigger and more layered and interesting but again with the one lyric ‘are you down’ repeated like 3 times then the chorus is just over it’s like... oh okay

safety net: again amazing verse delivery and melody... IF SHE TOOK IT ANYWHERE it would have been great. and again with the male features... not necessary. the bridge is cool with them both singing but other than that it feel flat for me. 

my hair: that smooth electric guitar intro is everything. and this sound of this song is so good.... but.... am i the only person who kinda feels weird about ariana, a white girl, being like ‘you can run your hands through me hair... dont be scared’ like?? why would they be scared... your hair is straight lol. it just toys with the whole idea of ‘don’t touch a black women’s hair’ for me. idk it could totally be a me overanalyzing thing. but god is she sang about anything else this would be my favorite song. second song i added to my library.  

nasty: if i had to pick one song that was my exact expectations for this album before listening to it it would be this one. the electronic hip-hop beat with the harmonies and vocals, all paired together for a song about her being horny (again), like yeah this all fits. it feels lost in some places though. like some points i feel like i have no idea what part for the song we’re on or what’s happening and we’re just treading water. and another weak chorus with 1 lyric repeated over and over again. (also random side not that intro of her talking reminded me of when she gave that billboard interview and people were mad at her bc she starting talking with an accent even though shes white... like thats what i thought of i was like ma’am you are a rich white theater kid form florida you do not speak like that)

west side: the production in the beginning is so cool? where is sounds like a tape rewinding kinda? love that. but other than that like... no point to this song being included on the album... it’s 2 minutes and it falls flat pretty early on.

love language: this was the one i saw most people agreeing was the best one/most hyped. i expected to be a ballad but it’s one of the more upbeat ones and honestly thank god. a chorus that actually has structure and goes somewhere? wild. good and creative lyrics? WILD. anyway the production is great and reintroduces that kinda 70s vibe from motive but in a refreshing way. really good tie in. third song added to the library. 

positions: i honestly didn’t even listen to this when it came out so i really had no idea what to expect. again the strings and orchestral pairs so well together... one of my favorite instrumentals on the whole album. i 100% see why this was the lead single and i agree with it completely. the most catchy chorus and it moves the song forward WHAT A CONCEPT. also very good placement on the tracklist because it was really refreshing. at this point it kinda started to drag on a little but this picked it right up. it also kinda threw me completely off balance because i was so familiar with the pattern of good verse weak chorus good verse weak chorus, but this is the opposite? weak verses but amazing chorus. forth song added to library.  also i am genuinely curious why it’s the album title? it doesnt really fit the theme of the album but then again one of my complaints is that it doesnt really have a theme to begin with so... 

obvious: the imagery i got when the music came in was like a dark 80′s lounge with dark wood furniture and i loved it lol. the same thing with positions, a surprising and refreshing combo of weak verse but good chorus which was nice. i can see it easily getting me stuck in my head, especially that hook. fifth song added to my library. 

pov: this is the other song off the album i heard everyone generally loved. i would say this has the best theme and story of the entire album. it has an interesting concept that isnt overly used and the whole song is pretty good decent verse and decent chorus. i love the end where she gets powerful and has more grit in her voice and we get more emotion out of her... wish she didnt wait until the last 30 seconds of the whole album to finally deliver with that but sure. sixth song to be added to the library. 

overall i was pretty surprised at how much i enjoyed it? i really expected not to the way everyone was talking about it. i think it is a good album with just some clear flaws, that could have been easily fixed if she didnt rush the album out so quickly. better lyrics and better judgement/deliberation of which songs deserve to be on the album and it would have been so solid. i would give it an overall rating of 6/10. 

here’s my current ranking:

[thoughtfulpaperback]

Charmed 2x12 Review SPOILERS!!!!!!

Okay let's do this. Sorry I skipped one but times are hectic. For entertainment I give it an 8/10. Same format. Dislikes, likes and highlights

Dislikes

1. Macy Kneeling to Abby.

Let's just get this one out the way. I can see where they might have been going with this.

They maybe are trying to move away from the ambiguous route with abby (trying to make her sympathetic with her whole patriarchy thing and her dead mom) I mean she is progressively becoming more predatory with Harry so with that in mind, this was possibly one of the "abby is really a bad person not a feminist as she is only out for her own gain and not the empowerment of all women". And I can get that maybe they were also trying to show "look Macy is willing to do the most degrading thing possible just for the chance at rebuilding that power of three/charmed bond with her sisters for the protection of the magical community".

But listen.....

We all know Abigael isnt a star feminist. We already know (although we dont exactly know) that she has some sort of plan up her sleeve to be weary of.

There has been too much attempted ambiguity and the main characters letting her get away with terrible things that the message isnt coming across.

Plus Maybe yes showing Macy being willing to do something that really probably hurt all of us (epecially those of us who are minorities) to watch, may have been to drive home the differences between her and Macy and play up Macy's love for her sisters

But like we know Macy and Abby arent similar (as much as you writers tried to play that up at first). And you know just adding more sister bonding moment and just the fact that Macy was willing to go to abby after all the previous stuff was enough to show she was desperate? Maybe just add more sister bonding moments so we can see how dedicated they are to each other?

Maybe? Just saying.

If the writers are finally going to commit to Abby being a full on villian then I guess the seen was worth cementing that she is horrible (sort of).

Here's my question though as I consider whether the scene was worth it. Who is this show for and what is it trying to show? I mean if it is for minorities and women then i can see how showing these historical and current issues (conflict of power and consideration among women where race is concerned) then I guess showing it and having that controversy makes sense. But like we live it.

As minorities we already know. I know I struggle between wanting my experience shown and also wanting to watch something where for once the minority characters arent subjected to that experience. Charmed did better at addressing controversy and women's issues in season 1. I dont care if it was "obvious" or "heavy handed" because when it is not you basically get the kneeling scene where you dont know what the point was, if it was necessary, and are left feeling hurt or bitter about it.

2. Hacy Kiss.

Listen Brenda/on, this is on my like and dislike list. I will mention what I dislike about it.

The first thing is that it was a fantasy. I mean yes I like that we get full on confirmation that Macy has romantic feelings for Harry and not just considering that she might have them, but I honestly hate the fact that they would tease us like that. Especially when Macy is at a low moment. Which I will get into.

They are kinda ruining Macy for me. Listen, at this point they havent given us enough insight into Macys feelings or thoughts to understand why she isnt pursuing Harry. We can speculate and infer based on previous seasons and some of what the writers or showrunners say on twitter, but this season itself hasnt done much in showing Macy's thought process and so it falls flat. It isnt her reluctance to let people in or not wanting to get involved with someone after Galvin since she does pursue Julian and gets serious relatively quickly. She, at least now we it is confirmed, has those feelings for Harry, but is still choosing to be with someone else inspite of those feelings. I hate that. Harry is obviously tempted by abby and is being naive with her, but he isnt pursuing her and has blocked her advances (except the kiss) so far which may change who knows, but the point is if Macy was just casually dating and enjoying Julian's company I would be like okay, still hate that she would lead someone on when she has feeling for someone else, but if its casual there is less of a chance of the other person being hurt.

I cant get behind Julian x Macy, not because of Julian (who so far is perfect and probably going to be a villian or some how connected to the villians because it is a common trope) but because of Macy. Julian x Macy isnt Healthy because Macy knows she has feelings for someone else. She is using him. That isnt to say she doesnt genuinely like or care about him, but at the end of the day she is using him. Which is crappy because Julian so far seems like a great guy and doesnt deserve being the "distraction". I mentioned this all the time but my least favorite love triangles are the ones where one person is using the other.

Healthy would be Macy and Julian being friends while she works through her feelings and then decides who she wants to be with. Not being with someone while having feelings for someone else.

Macy was shown in season 1 to be rational and could be rational to the point of compartmentalizing and coming off as cold. So maybe that is where they are drawing from, but again little effort has been made on the part of the writers to show what's going on in her brain other than that fantasy kiss. And again I am still like....okay so what does that mean in the long run you butts!!!

3. Helen's suicude

I am so iffy about how shows portray people completing suicide. Like on one hand I get that them showing her exercising free will, but suicide portrayed as a positive rather than a tragedy is just....ugh for me. I still am not sure how I feel overall about it.

Lore wise I hate that they use it to explain why Harry and jimmy couldnt kill each other, because in an interview rupert claimed Harry was immortal now because of the elder thing and the show said it in that first episode. So like are both true? So if harry tries to stab himself like Helen will he just end up back in the coffin and alive since she is immortal?

I mean we are 12 episodes in and have about 10 to go so we really should be working towards a cohesive lore and storyline not adding confusing or not well explained layers. The world building they did in the first half was a lot better which makes me wonder what they heck is going on in the writing room.

Likes

1. Parkerita

Let me explain. While I fancy Jordan x Maggie together. I'd prefer that be a slow burn and steady friendship first. Parker seems to be Maggie's first love. It makes sense that she is still grieving and holding on. While I kind of wanted to be done with Parkerita in fairness to all the season 1 romances that where tossed out, I like the nod to Phole. I felt the OG Phole relationship was not healthy, but I liked the tradgedy of it. I think if new Charmed wants to wrestle with that and do it better (although my faith in the writers is low right now) then I wouldnt be against it. I love a good tradgedy and I sat through Phole so I'll sit through this one.

2.Hacy kiss

I love that the writers finally did something to show us what is going on in Macys brain. I need more (not necessarily Harry fantasies but I wont complain if we get more of those). I do hope a real Hacy kiss is a bit different because one one hand the fact Macy wanted to kiss harry when she was feeling down says something to me about how she feels about him and that she still trusts him (but it could, If I wanted to be cynical, just be more evidence that Macy skews towards using people when she is repressing or feeling down although she didnt actually kiss him, if she had I think I would have not liked it in that particular moment given it would have felt more like using him that expressing feelings)

Highlights

1. Abby really thinks no means maybe 😒 . . .

2. Mel is a lesbian magnet and I'd be fine with her just casually dating while all this other crap is going on as long as she is happy

2. Helen

3. These horror movie vibes though!!

[shadowofmoths]

fuck it, all the evens for the quarantine ask, there are no rules anymore

NO RULES NO RULES NO RULES!! putting this under a cut to spare yall lmao

2. Grilled cheese or PB&J?

GRILLCHEESE. i have recently developed an idealogical opposition to peanut butter but also have you ever been awake at like Too Late and ur jus vibing and u make a grilled cheese and have ur midnight grillcheese? fucking MAGICAL. avery and i all the time when it is Too Late will be like “i want something. what do i want what is it GRILLCHEESE” and then we grill a cheese.

4. Your go-to bar order, if you drink?

i dont drink ! but i do love to have fancy, nonalcoholic drinks....no go-to bar order tho rip 

6. Top three cuisines?

i like...italian food, ofc, as anyone who knows my last name would probably guess, but also my top fav is like mediterranean & middle eastern food ? like fuck man what i would not do in life for a good gyro 

8. What’s a job that you’ve had that people might be surprised to find out you’ve had?

i have not, uh, strictly had jobs, as such, but uh a fun fact abt me is that i did Literally Every Possible Volunteer Position at my church i think lkjhgfhfhs. 

10. Do you own any signed books/memorabilia in general?

answered!

12. What do you get on your bagels? What WOULD you get if you had access to anything you wanted?

OK SO. there is this place near my mom’s college that i think might just literally be called the bagel place and they have a kind of bagel named after their school mascot which is just. bagel, and then you toast it, adn put cream cheese on each half, and then you put some regular cheese on the top of it and put it in a broiler and melt the cheese and its SO GOOD and thats my ideal bagel. 

14. Favorite mug you own

THIS IS A GOOD QUESTION. sofia gave me a yellow mug and its little and v round and decorated w flowers and its SO GOOD and its my fav. i also have a black skull mug and a haunted mansion mug that i LOVe adn theyre all in MARYLAND STILL HELP. i miss them. 

16. Pick a song lyric to describe your current mood (and drop the name and artist!)

it took a concerted effort here not to choose something from next to normal which tells you how intensely GOING THRU IT i am. there’s a song called “better in the morning” by birdtalker that my spotify discover weekly hit me w during a late night breakdown that sort of encapsulates my “this fuckin SUCKS bro but we’re gonna keep goin tho” vibe.

18. What’s that one TV show that you’re a little bit embarrassed to watch but you still like nonetheless?

SHAME OVER INTERESTS IS BORING. ITS 2020. SOMETIMES I WATCH OLD EPISODES OF SHAKE IT UP WITH MY SISTERS. no but my real answer is....i really genuinely unironically love high school musical the musical the series. is it good? not, like, really! but i love it. its probably made me tear up. but im not embarrassed abt it lmao 20. Do you match your socks?

answered!22. What was your “phase” when you were younger? (i.e., Mythology Nerd, Horse Girl, Space Geek, etc)

JKHGSDAF my phase was “Undiagnosed ADHD” so it was , All The Phases really but no it was star wars for sure. but star wars wasnt a PHASE mom thats who i AMMMM 

24. What’s your opinion on Lazy Susan’s (the spinning tray in the middle of tables)?

i...no opinion? they’re..fine? 

26. You can only have one juice for the rest of your life, what is it?

ok theres a local like, dairy farm that makes a FUCKING MAGICAL watermelon lemonade in the summer and i would do anything to have that shit year round 28. What’s one thing you’re trying to learn/relearn in your downtime right now?

knitting! embroidery! uhhhh time management when ur trapped and have adhd! other assorted mental health strategies, like “how to explain to ur teachers that u need help bc ur brain is just Chaotic and also the WORLD IS ENDING, catriona, PLEASE no more essays.” 30. Where could someone find you in a museum?

depends on the museum! but ur best bet is “genuinely crying over van goghs” or otherwise having Very Big Emotions over someone like monet or agnes martin

32. Rainbows, stars, or sunset colored clouds?

ALL OF THESE. probably sunset clouds but also i cannot TELL you how much i miss stars when im out in MD being a Big City Boy.

34. Do you have more art on your walls or more photographs?

art! altho im thinking of disassembling the Art Wall™ and doing smth else bc its gotten a little chaotic in here lately 

36. Pick a superhero sidekick to hang out with

ok, like, define sidekick! which of the young avengers are “sidekicks” if its just a group of gay friends doing universe-saving together?? would you relegate billy kaplan to “sidekick” status? sidekick to WHOM? anyway the answer is teddy altman. 

38. Favorite mid-2000s song

answered!

40. Where do you sit in the living room (we all have a preferred spot, and you know it)?

the couch corner is MINE, babey!! (8 ppl in ur house does mean a big L shaped couch is relatively necessary.) altho recently ive developed a habit of whenever i see someone sitting in a spot i decide that is now My Spot. the person already there doesnt have to move! but i will also be sitting there now thank you. no, im not craving physical affection, why do you ask? 

42. A song you didn’t think you’d enjoy but ended up loving

i dont think i expected to Fall In Love with carly rae jepsen, i dont think ! but her power.....wow. 

44. Are you a “Quote that relates to the photos” caption-er, an “explanation of where I took the photos” caption-er, or a no caption kinda person when you post pictures online?

quote that relates to the photos, usually! with maybe a little explanation. most of the photos i post are arts so it’ll be like “this is carrion hes a bitch i love him” etc 

46. What’s the freezer food that you stock up on when you go to the grocery store?

i dont think...anything in the freezer in my apartment is mine? i think ive got some ben and jerry’s phish food in there tho which is DEFINITELY bad by now, FUCK, but also toaster waffles, conceptually, would be my answer. 

48. Do you like Jello?

yes ! it is . Fun To Eat. 

50. How are you at climbing trees?

pretty bad, bc coordination is a no and im afraid of heights, but i sure do love to try ! and then get too scared! 

[ahappydnp]

sorry for my ignorance - i keep seeing a ship for phil and "jimmy hill" and i was wondering if you could tell me more about who that is ? cheers x

Oh, anon. Anon anon anon....you have just made my day for getting to introduce you to Jimmy!

Jimmy is an old school youtuber who has been making videos since 2006, and he also attended the same program at York along with Phil (he was a year younger than Phil). He’s currently a radio DJ for capital and doesnt really make videos anymore, but he’s still active on social media. He also interviewed dnp once! (X). He and Phil are mainly a ship because their overlap in school, similar vibes and style, and their chemistry from the interview.

His videos are AMAZING! He’s chill and kind and genuinely funny. They range from house updates (he renovated his place and did a whole series on it!), random funny ones, and more serious topics like mental health and queer culture. Here is a playlist I made for Renee awhile back with a sample of his stuff (X)

I am requiring you to report back to me once you’ve watched his stuff because I always love peoples reactions to being introduced to him :))

[bunny-banana]

For the director's cut thing, the story where Fabri asks Ermal out on a date but Ermal doesn't realize that? 👀

YO SO WE GONNA DO THAT OR WHAT

Its this fic btw if anyones curious.  

Chap 1

Even with closed eyes, he sensed the man lying next to him turn towards him but Fabrizio did not spoke immediately. No, he just stayed silent for a bit, Ermal wasn’t quite sure what he was observing but before Ermal could ask, Fabrizio broke the silence.

its u. he’s gazing at u, u idiot.

*

*

’You didn’t exactly give off the vibe that you’d say yes’

“What the fuck does that even mean? I don’t give off the vibe?!”

mr no-homo meta has NO right to be surprised at that. boy went into a panic attack every time someone as much as breathed the suggestion ofc fab was Anxious

*

*

A certain Roman showing up at his doorstep looking like he’d belong to the Milan Fashion Week.A tight grey shirt whose top three buttons almost begged to be opened (yet remained miraculously, in Fabris case, closed!) clung nicely to the body underneath it. A very fine silver chain hung around his neck that perfectly fit with the rings and the watch on his hand.Instead of ripped denim, now tight & shiny dark jeans were worn and to round this look up, an impeccably tailored black, suit jacket was thrown over him.

so not to be Hoe on main but we all just love Sexy Fab.  but more so, i really thought Fabrizio would have put a lot of effort into dressing nicely this time around. Probably called a few friends, crying to help him. He just wanted Ermal to like his look. Which he did.   A lot.  again, outstanding heterosexual of the year, ermal meta is completely mesmerised by that look.

*

*

“Well, well, Fab. Gotta say, this place is on a whole different level“ The curly haired man commented as he flipped through the menu.“You like it?”“How could I not?”

again, Fabrizio intentionally looking up a fancy place for their Date, something he actually felt a little bit uncomfortable about himself and wouldnt normally chose for himself. But then again, he was greatly relieved when Ermal actually did say he liked it.

*

*It felt.. nice. The whole evening was quite nice, Ermal had to admit, even with the unusual ambient.

Ermal is just honestly iconic in this fic. man enjoys fabrizios appearance, enjoys talking with him,  eating out with him, just spending time with him in general sooo much……and yet.

*

*

Fabrizio tilted his head and was it the candle light or something else, but a intriguing shine filled his eyes.“I’d know something sweeter than this.” In the next moment, everything turned upside down when Fabrizio suddenly took his hand and intertwined their fingers, his thumb gently brushing over the back of the younger man’s hand.

THE COURAGE THIS TOOK. THE NERVES WHICH WERE WRECKED.  Fab really just went “ok here we go balls to the wall now or never”

*

*

Chap2

“So, Fabrizio….Fabrizio likes me. Apparently.” It felt interesting to say it out loud. Ermal got a tingly feeling at the thought. So ..it was him who made Fabrizio blush earlier? Who made him nervous? And smiley?  Christ, he actually really wanted Ermal to like his outfit, didn’t he? A small smirk found its way on Ermal’s face. Who would have thought that he’d have Fabrizio Moro of all people wrapped around his finger.

erm: so im het

also erm: wow i really really like the fact that fabrizio is into me. its actually super exciting. kinda makes me happy in a way.

*

*

“Wait, what?! I should ask him out?!”“Yeah? Isn’t that something you want?”Is that something he- But that would imply that he’d want to pursue Fabrizio, his very male, masculine, manly friend Fabrizio who was definitely not by any chance a woman. To have a relationship with guy that was …..romantic… and oh sweet Mother of God, sexual?!“I- I- I don’t know.”

so yeah, to get to the bottom of this, when you’re in the process of realising your own …..non-heterosexuality, its just A Lot to take in.  I thought, realistically, that would just be a bit too much for Ermal to take in at that moment. He had to process the mere thought of “yes, you could have a romantic relationship with this guy, since he’s into you. Its absolutely a possibility”. When you’re conditioned to think “i can only ever date people of the opposite sex” all your life, it takes a bit of time to get accustomed to new possibilities.

And then theres the sexual aspect which is like, on Jupiter, for Ermal’s current state of mind.

*

*

Chap3

The video he currently was immersed in showed a slow-mo fight between a mongoose and a cobra that in all its intensity outdid any action movie in a heartbeat.

i remember watching that vid before writing that chapter and being mesmerised by it. u fucking go lil mongoose!

*

*

[Bizio]: sorry i cant this weekend

First, i just love the thought of him being saved as Bizio on Ermals phone. Second, the reason why he replied so late was because he was wrecking his mind about it. Should he go? should he not? god, the thought of seeing ermal excited him and yet scared him. nonononno. he’s trying to get Over Ermal. He needs space. he is not ready yet.

*

*

[Ermal]:Fabri!! Heard you’re coming up North! 😁 I have this excellent bottle of wine that a fan gave me the other day (don’t ask) so how about we open it at my place? I know you love a good wine 😉🍷

He couldn’t even slide the phone back into his pocket before it started buzzing. Surprisingly, the reply came almost instantly this time.[Bizio]:sorry no the schedule is pretty tight for me at the moment i dont think ill have much time in milan

i just image him getting the weirdest fucking fan gifts. also lmao the lightning speed with which fab replied. homeboy saw that wine would be involved and imemdiately thought “nononononono. worst case, my drunk ass might kiss him, god forbid. we are absolutely not gonna do that”

*

*

[Ermal]:So I’m flipping through the channels at home and there comes a baking show and I wouldn’t normally stop to watch but you know what they’re baking? Those creamy pastry things we had in Lisbon!

Now the idea about the Pasteis de Nata stemms from a real life event! During ESC 2018 i slept at a friends house and since the contest was held in Portugal we decided to cook something portuguese. Thats what we did. They fucking slap. Also, one of the best weekends ive ever had

*

*

However, this is how things continued as to all of Ermal’s messages, he’d receive rather uncharacteristically short replies. When he sent him photos he’d often not reply at all and even when he called Fabri didn’t pick.

Okay we have to image in WHAT kinda mental state Fabrizio is in that time. Boy is EMBARASSED to death. Then obviously, he is trying his hardest to get rid of this crush.  So he just isnt talking to Ermal at all. Which in turn makes him lonely and sad.  So then Ermal shoots him a message, sends him a picture and Fabrizio is immediately head over heels again. Which he shouldnt be. Bad Fabri. And the circle repeats itself.

*

*

Fabrizio who smiled sweetly at the host, who hugged her tightly, who joked with her and oh, whose eyes didn’t stick to her face but wandered more and more south.

Dude honestly, Fab was not flirting with anyone. He was just being nice as he usually is. And we all know he a lil bit sleazy so yeah, he might have looked down once or twice. but he really was not flirting. It was just Ermals affection-deprived mind going berserk.

Also that was the first time Ermal witnessed Fabrizio being affectionate with someone else. And the contrast to that cold shoulder he received was just the last straw for him.

*

*

“Why is he all smiley and lovey-dovey with her while he treats me as if I’m a war criminal?!” Ermal shouted the second the other line got picked up.“Uhm, hello? Maybe a ‘Good morning’ first of all? A simple ‘how are you doing, Sabina?’ would have been appreciated too.”

Damn bitch can ya greet ur sister first before going off smh

*

*

And would it have been really that bad if Ermal had just held on to his hand? Let Fabrizio gently stroke him with his thumb, maybe even squeeze back while Ermal’s finger draws circles over letters that covered the older man’s knuckles.It would have been nice and Ermal would have liked it.

I think he just needed to see what he was missing out to realise what he really has always wanted. If things were to go back to normal, he would have never made any realisations.

*

*

“Am I- Do I like Fabrizio?”

No, we dont ask what he is. Because thats for another time, a calmer time. Or maybe not at all. He doesnt know the answer to that question and its not important right now. All he knows is that despite it all, he likes Fabrizio.

*

*

The fact he was a guy was new, but those feelings involved weren’t.

I feel like this is just a very bisexual experience. At least to me it was. Its very confusing when u are genuinely attracted to the opposite sex, so you make the conclusion: you are obviously straight. Its not possibly that you are not-straight.  

Then u start feeling attraction to someone of ur own gender and its like “hmmm. Obviously this must be fake since we have established that Im genuinely attracted to the opposite sex ”

But the thing is..it aint going away. And then u think how you’d perhaps be down for sex, and perhaps be down for something more, and perhaps do all those nice things you would be doing with someone of the opposite sex.  

So yeah, its ..its really confusing and complicated to figure it out. And if you actually do have a feelings for someone it only makes matters more complicated ig

*

*

“Jesus, I really do like him. Me. Liking a guy.”

Again, once u made That Realisation, its just the WILDEST thing in the beginning. a complete NEW concept being applied to yourself.

*

*

“LISTEN CUT THE BULLSHIT I KNOW EXACTLY THAT YOU’RE HOME! OPEN UP OR I WILL STAND HERE ALL NIGHT I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND!” In addition to the knocking he now also started ringing the doorbell. He sure as hell wouldn’t move here until that door wasn’t opened.“I DONT GIVE A FUCK, I WON’T EVEN SLEEP AND NEITHER WILL YOU. I CAN GO ON FOREVER YOU HEAR ME, FABRIZIO MOBRICI?!”

Ermal is just unhinged in all my fics.

*

*

Epilogue

[Ermal💛]: You ready?

Fabrizio added that heart right immediately after Ermal left his house a week prior.

*

*

Ermal looked….cuddly.

So yeah we all know Fab isnt the keenest on fashion and shit. And i just though Ermal would want him to be as comfortable as possible on their date, so he was like “ay come casual” . and also, its sort of cute that Ermal lets Fabri see him so casual too, its sort of more private in that sense.

*

*

And those were still the mild surprises, let’s not start with the downright shock he felt when his brain started providing words like kissable, attractive, sexy and hot during lonelier nights.

i have a fic for those kinda nights too

*

*

“It’s not that far and God knows men your age need the exercise anyway.”

ermal just cant show affection like a normal person, he has to roast u even when he’s madly in love with u

*

*

What followed behind the colourful door was a small chaos. Literally. People constantly coming and going, with buzzing voices chatting in every corner. They made their way half through the rather crowded establishment, got greeted by a waiter who rushed past them, before they finally spotted a couple leaving, liberating two chairs for them.

SO YEAH. the restaurant. it is loosely based on a place here in Vienna. Its pakistani food too, its a buffet, its kinda chaotic like described in the fic. also u can pay as much as u want.

i just thought, yknow, its home made cooking and its kinda relaxed and chill and casual and has a certain liberal flair to it. and i thought yeah that has fabri energy we gonna use that. also their mango rice puddings fucking slap

*

*

Languages were not his forte, those belonged to Ermal, but Fabrizio ran through his options. It surely wasn’t French or Spanish, that he would at least recognise. German looked different too; they had those dots over their U’s and those curly B’s which allegedly weren’t B’s at all. Swedish? Danish? No. He’s been to Ikea often enough to know that his wardrobe wouldn’t be called Qershor. And Russian had different letters but maybe it was something similar to Russian?

Okay, so I’m a known Slut for Languages.  Fabrizio is not. I can pretty much recognise most European languages in written form at some point in a text. Fabrizio can not. Therefore writing this from the perspective of someone who really isnt into languages was kind of interesting and a bit challenging. I was just thinking ‘how would he recognise them when he isnt into them?’  And i think, in the end, i did it realistically.

*

*

“Is it like..Serbian? Croatian? Or something?” He mumbled while putting a piece of eggplant in his mouth but quickly realised the answer when Ermal almost spit out his water from laughing.“No, definitely not. I can guarantee you, it’s very much not Serbian or Croatian ‘or something’.” Ermal chuckled with a bright smile, obviously enjoying their little guessing game. “But you’re close. In a way.”

This is SO embarrassing but this whole language guessing game was just a setup to an inside joke I have with myself.  So, for those who don’t know, I speak Serbo-Croatian. And I study Slavic studies. The first things they tell you in the first lesson of the Slavic Linguistics course is “Please, for the love of God, PLEASE, dont say Albanian/Hungarian/Romanian is a slavic language”. Apparently many europeans assume these languages are because theyre surrounded by slavic countries. BUT TO AN ACTUAL SLAVIC NATIVE SPEAKER, the difference is immediately obvious and so its quite comical when people assume theyre related languages.   So i thought the reverse would be kinda funny to Ermal too.

*

*

“I can be anything the teacher wants me to be. A good student, a naughty student, whatever floats his boat…” He asked sultrily before winking at the man across of him whose higher brain functions seemed to have ceased at once and just gaped at him like a fish.

boys whole brain got fried when the sexiest man in italy started flirting with him. issokay, he was just shocked. fabrizio has never been flirty with him before, he’ll get used to it.

*

*

“I was just trying to give you the best date that I could.“At those words, the Roman frowned however."Wait, this was a date?!”

im just an asshole honestly

*

*

They giggled as they finally closed the gap between them going for a slow and deep kiss.

i just love them being all SOFT and in LOVE

*

*

“Erm, I- I have an instore tomorrow, I better be well rested.”His counterpart just huffed and raised an eyebrow.“So were you planning on staying up all night, huh?”

Fabs horn dog brain definitively went HmmmmMmm this is nice:) ..could get even nicer:)  but no fuck, i have work to do tomorrow

*

*

“Love how you immediately forget about a good night’s sleep once you have a tongue in your mouth.”“Fuck off.”

He just got carried away as if u were complaining ermal smh

*

*

"I bet on everything I have that your password is 'liberoanita1’ so yes, I actually can.”

Parents culture is just using ur children’s names as all your passwords and we all know Fabri is that kinda parent.

*

*

All in All, i also wanna talk about how the epilogue mirrors the first chapter, but in a more successful light.

Fabrizio dresses for Ermal - Ermal dresses for Fabrizio

fancy place - more casual place

They take the car - they walk

Fabrizio takes Ermals hand on the open for everyone to see - Ermal takes Fabrizios hand under the table, in private

They eat their dessert seperately - they eat theri dessert together

they fall out - they become closer, kiss

they dont talk - they plan the next date

anyway thanks for reading and thank uuuuuu for this ask julchen

[aliferous-ly]

As the Certified SDV Anon, I feel obligated to say FARMER AND CITY BOY TROPE (i i get moxiety feels with that personally)

YESSSSS OH MY GOD IM !!!!!!! GEEKING

I like, adore the thought of farmer Virgil, who hides away and only comes out on a blue moon, who sells his produce on the DL, doesn't interact much . He's the farmer who's stuff is always gorgeous and amazing, and his surpluses he'll leave on various people's doorsteps , he lives on much of what he grows.

City boy Patton , though, I'm mmmmm yes. He loves the hustle and bustle of everyone, seeing the glimpses of people's lives. He has an office job, sorta, one that involves managing people. He's everyones favorite, because he's compassionate. But his true passion is writing

Patton who wears cute clothes and has an adoration that the city couldn't stomp out, goes to the countryside on the recommendation of a coworker -- she even rented her cottage to him. So he goes and falls in love with the area, and the nearby town is adorable, of course I'm adding sdv vibes I can't NOT

The other townspeople think he's a little weird, with his accent and priorities and the way he interacts with the world, but in a good, genuine way. One day, while chatting with some of the townspeople at a dinner party he was invited to, they mention Virgil -- the ever elusive farmer down the road. Patton immediately wants to meet him, right?

So he goes down the road and finds this frankly adorable farmhouse and knocks but, nobody answers. So he goes out back and oh no, oh, oh no

Virgil's out back, pulling weeds, wearing a sunhat and pants and big heavy boots and nothing else

So Patton's , out for the count, bright red, sputtering out a "hello! I'm Patton it'snicetomeetyou!"

And Virgil startles, stands up straight, squints, and sees this stammering, short, handsome man with light clothes and a harsh sunburn across his nose and cheeks. He makes his way over to Patton and the closer he gets the worse the sunburn appears, and he's like wow that's, devastating, damn

While Patton is currently Dying, Thank You because this gorgeous man is getting closer gETTING CLOSER --! and then he starts to Talk and his voice is absolutely Beautiful

So they meet. And Virgil's like "idk why tf you came all the way down here to meet me, I'm not much" while Patton, fanning himself, says "hahahahaha don't sell yourself short-" because well he still hasn't put a shirt on and he has the farmer tan going on and everything

The entire interaction is Patton panicking and Virgil being Very Confused, why is this Beautiful Man talking to him, What is Happening

So later Patton goes by more and more and he brings pies he learns how to make and the first one is frankly atrocious and Virgil laughs at him but promises to teach him how to make an Actual Pie. cue adorable kitchen antics

But as time goes on Virgil becomes more and more scared because, originally, it was just a one and done same relationship with the rest of the town, but now he genuinely wants to keep talking with Patton. He wants to be Patton's friend. and sometimes he wants to kiss him, too

But for now it's fine. It's fine.

Until, of course, it isn't.

Because Patton can't stay forever -- he has to go back to work sometime, back to the quick coffee runs and honking cars and stainless steel elevators. And Patton mentions this to Virgil and Virgil just, shuts down. He hates the city, more than he can say. And he hates that Patton is leaving. Virgil wants to say, "stay here, stay with me, I can change the art room into your room, or you could sleep with me, I could work harder and raise prices and I know there's enough food for both of us."

but he doesnt

and because he's scared, and vulnerable, he becomes sharp and jagged and Patton wants to stay with him one last time before leaving but they have a fight over it, Virgil saying he's just going to go back to his life and forget about "all of us jokes", and he's mean. Patton recoils, because he's trying, but there's only so much someone can put up with. They part on bad terms

So Patton's back in the city, much sadder, because he -- loved, Virgil, loves him. And Virgil's back home, depressed because wow, he just pushes everyone away, doesnt he?

And the coworker who rented her place out to Patton hears about all this and essentially goes "jfc", goes to her house and almost breaks the door down to Virgil's house. It's midnight, because she had to drive there after work, and it's six hours away, and he's like "okay wtf" and she tells him off for hurting Patton and for not bucking up and telling Patton how he felt. And Virgil's .. both indignant and upset because yeah she's right..

So he asks her if he can hitch a ride back and she agrees, only if he drives because she's uh exhausted (he doesn't have a car, only a worn down pickup that isn't licensed, to move produce)

And he shows up at Patton's apartment, after the nightmare that is the City, at 7 am, tired, bags dark under his eyes, wearing an old coat and an older flannel. And he apologizes, explains how scared he is, that he can't live in the city, but he feels deeply about Patton and doesn't want to screw things up because he was being stupid.

So Patton invites him in, makes him some tea, and accepts his apology, and they just. Talk. About everything. And anything.

LISTEN IM SOFT OKAY

so they make an agreement to see each other as often as possible, and Patton starts to transition into a part time gig at his place that's all online, and then, eventually, he -- moves in, with Virgil. There's a big going away party at his work (even though he'll go back for certain aspects of his job) and then he's , there. And they're always around each other, Virgil teaching him various aspects of the job and they just. Love each other and live in the same house and AGJ im soft

I imagine Virgil proposes first after freaking out all day and when he gets down on one knee Patton squeals and runs into the house, grabbing his ring from the nightstand drawer and running back out, back to Virgil who was panicking even more because when your partner's first response to a proposal is to Run Away that can't be a good sign, right? but then he's back , with a ring in his hand, and oh, oh

And then they get married and it's all very soft thank u for coming to my ted talk

[eerienature]

Now it's my turn🙈💚 1, 2, 8, 11, 13, 15, 20, 21, 24, 27, 30, 37, 42, 56, 57 and 59 sorry that this is late🙈💙

ayyyyyyy my guy! ❤️

1) selfie

ditto so I’ll dm you em! x

2) what would you name your future kids?:

so i’ve always liked the name layla because i really admire the beauty of a night sky but then it literally means sheep in aapni zerbaan so ye lol; i think the name marina is pretty too like the whole nature element, i liked marwa as well till my sister said it sounds like ‘marijuana’ which just ruined it for me totally lol; yusuf is a nice one, you know because of his whole story which i just find really moving and im sure i had some more prophet names which i really like but none of em spring to mind at the mo

8) have you ever cried because you were so annoyed? 

yesssss so the other day i was dress rehearsing for an interview (pray i get the job! x) and none of my smart-wear would fit so i just angry cried it out; i have bipolar as well and before i was on the right meds i’d do that daily but now i seem to be doing a lot better alhamdulilah

11) are you listening to music right now? 

astaghfirullah sister skskskk but naa i stopped listening to music about a year ago i feel like it just dragged me down might just be me but like even the uplifting stuff has melancholic vibes to it 

13) how do you feel right now?

so like i think i missed my meds this morning and at round 7pm i got this really intense agitation where my mood randomly switched within the space of like an hour and i got angry that i was angry but now that im home and talking to you i feel a lot better - I was really on one earlier on in the day when we were messaging tho bc i was like ‘OMG IVE FOUND A NEW FRENNNNN’ which is a huge positive for me!

15) personality description

aaaaaaa i could go on forever, hope you enjoy the cv! so im a really perceptive person - i have a strong insight into my own situations and mindset as well as those of others (a positive side to mental illness i think, like the whole self awareness aspect) i’ve been told im ‘compelling’ which is an incredible personality trait to have! i have a mad sense of humour, talkative, very outgoing, very extroverted and i love a good bit of banter with the right people, love meeting new people and hearing their perspectives too. I’m very intellectual, i love discussions and acquiring knowledge and anything which makes you think or reevaluate your current opinions! but ya im really proud of my identity purely bc i genuinely didnt think i’d make it past 16 (suicidal depression, self harm, mad mania, abuse, overdoses, etc) but like alhamdulilah here i am and i think its my perseverance and my relationship w god which i really admire - im really proud of who i’ve become! (but i mean theyre trying to stamp a personaity disorder diagnosis onto me so i guess i could be chatting bubbles and all this could be totally subjective *x files theme toon plays*)

20) what is your favourite song at the moment?

i mean i hear the odd bop over the radio every now n then n the ‘JUST BC ITS OVER DOESNT MEAN ITS REALLY OVER N IF I THINK IT OVER MAYBE YOU’LL BE COMING OVER AGAINNNN’ song just really seems to get me

21) age and birthday?

ahh see i feel like an old granny ting now compared to you! i’m 20 and my birthdays the 5th of april so i guess we’re both april babies!

24) height

5′2 but i dont look as short as i sound i swear lol

27) things i hate

im no longer a hateful person like even the people i hate i pray for but bidah has got to be #1 without a single doubt, aside from that its all the usual stuff such as bigots, nonces, etc

30) favourite tv shows

mostly stuff on netflix like at the moment im watching ‘sacred games’ and ive never been into the whole bollywood vibe but i swear ive been missing out like! peaky blinders is amazing and tommy is beautiful i dont care if hes my dads age, bedlam was incredible, period dramas like victoria n bbcs les mis are really good, you should check out this is england, shameless, dark and NSU: german history they are mint; i love a good documentary as well

37)  favourite actor/actress

angelina jolie i think! like i have an entire hashtag dedicated to her so ya i guess shes the one!

42) favourite books

kite runner and a thousand splendid suns (defo recommend them both yasmin esp tss - if you ever do read it give us a shout and ill send you the coursework i did for it in Alevel!)

56) favourite food

ben and jerries along with cookie dough are my absolute weaknesses but im inshlla cutting down on sugar so we’ll see if anything changes w those ones!

57) favourite animals

cats for sure! mines called marno shes now 5 alhamdulilah and she is my life n soul - i like dogs but they get over excited way to easily which startles me a bit esp as im v spaced out a lot of the time so a dog tryna hug me is like arghh wyd but i mean i admire their intentions lol that n the fact theyre najis is also bit of a problem for me (whups)

59) why i joined tumblr

so i think i came across tumblr on a random google search n i figured it’d be a good form of self expression n a good emotional outlet esp as i was in a v v bad mind-space at the time so i felt i needed something to call my own which eventually became my lil blog - but ye if you go allllllll the way back to my old reblogs its literally just those black and white depression posts and gifs which is actually really upsetting to me; like although im no longer in that place anymore tumblr continues to be a very good therapeutic outlet so im v grateful for that ❤️

and thats all! thanks for reading this far b and feel free to ask me any other questions, i enjoy answering them! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[1000wordsbetweenbrothers]

I love you brother. I am slow to getting to this properly now. I feel that I owed you our second page must sooner. I feel that in my prioritization i disrespected what you make. You make art. I owe your craft more than I am currently giving you. However that said, deal with it bubs. True art has to be a little cavalier eh? A little cowboyish. Gotta flick the paint at the canvas. Gotta feel the adrenaline in a brush stroke. You have to ride the vibe. Fuck I don't know man. Sometimes I talk out my ass. Back to the project at hand. A thousand words. A thousand free flowing thoughts of love and truth. A little honesty in this world. Summer sunsets. I love how glassy this water is. I can feel how cold the lake used to be as a kid. The wood of the dock under my feet. Calloused toes digging against the splinter ridden red wood. Launching myself into the infinite. That was the moment as a child. Frozen in that space and time. Where for just a second you hung forever. Your Skin instantly heating under the sun, like a comforter your mom would toss over you fresh from the dryer. Back in the womb. Basking in the sun. Then SPLASH. Back to reality, That water is cold my son. It's a cold that you just gotta get used to. Eventually it'll feel alright. I owe you another apology though man, I've had your gifts in the back of my car for like three months now. Pretty much the entire summer. I need to ship them out. When I get paid Tuesday I will do it. See, now that I have set a date and sent it to you. Ii am gonna feel so responsible that I might actually get off my ass and do something for once. It feels like pretty much a miracle whenever I can motivate myself to do something lately. It's been fucking rough dude. I do not know what is going on anymore. I am not depressed. I am not overly anxious. I am healthier than I have ever been. I am eating better I am genuinely happier with everything. I just cant ever seem to get out of what I am used to. its like I get in these patterns and I do not ever want to leave them, I really need to address this. And what's sad is. Going out and delivering a package is gonna be a first step. it should not be. I should not have gotten to this point. I need to be better about being uncomfortable for a moment. I need to get back to being okay with the jump. I need to accept that sometimes the water is cold. I need to remember this picture. Thats what I think this one might be about for me. Remembering why we jump. But that's only four hundred and ninety words. So that's gotta only be half the story. I feel like the sun is setting on summer. Like if I were running a camp company and needed a photo to post at the end of camp season and like thank everyone for a great summer and all that jazz. This is the photo that everyone would use every year. It would be like. The new fucking girl on white rope tree swing in front of like grassy meadow shot. You know what I mean. and if you do not. Then I recommend googling it. Im sure this photo has been done to death. But maybe not. Maybe I am full of shit. because I certainly have not googled it myself yet. Anyway, it's like the fucking Roll Credits moment. I think its great. It makes me think about how my summer is kind of over now. I got to see yosemite. Make new friends. Fuck I get engaged this summer. I actually managed to pass this accounting class over the summer with a B. But like that accounting class also took my entire summer. And the rest we just gave up to the airforce. You know it's funny. You get out. and they still find a way to fuck you. I shouldn't be bitching. I am proud that my partner continued her service through the guard. Sometimes I feel like a pussy because I didn't. Sometimes I feel like a fucking fraud. Like i'm not supposed to be this fucked up and not have done some shit. Who gets PTSD from a missile field? You might not get it. But i really know I am not alone in this. I feel like alot of my fellow vets are ashamed they didnt suffer enough for their country. And i uh think that its bullshit we feel this way. And i know its wrong and doesnt make sense, But hey i know i still feel it. None the less though. They still took my fiance and partner and buddy and best friend away from me for the next couple weeks. Being the military spouse is way less fun than the military member it turns out. It's alot of weird sacrifice you wouldnt think about. I dont really talk about this stuff with people. I feel weird writing about it to you. Because I dont expect you to understand. But thats not fair of me. I am being a bad friend by doubting your ability to empathisize. that's not what normal people should do. I apologize. that was a dickish thing to do. Sorry rick. Fuck am I over apologizing or being a man about my shit? I dont know. But I know it's not enough apologizing for tumblr anyway. Eh shit. We probably shouldnt shit on our mediums. I know this summer is setting. I know that I will feel that I squandered this summer away with just school. there will be another season, more jumps in the lake, there will be another page. -HMA

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 10 - "I've been channeling Raffy's chaos and messy style" ~Amy

Colin survived omg omg. I went on call with him after tribal council and I smoothed things over with us. So I'm like the only person he's not hating right now. Also I literally told Colin everything. I told him exactly what happened which is so awkward if anyone finds out I tolf him that they all backstabbed him. Also Elle cannot be trusted!! Why would she do this? She's probably working with Colin and at this point I'm ok with voting off Elle. She really backstabbed the entire plan. Also Elle's idol is gone so it would be easy. BUT, we need to rid of the advantages that remain. There's not any time to get off people I don't trust. We need to expose every last idol we can. Also I know Brayden has an idol and I'm working with him but I might have to backstab that guy because if he makes it to final tribal council with an idol that will be big on his resume. Honestly Brayden will be seen as the most popular social player so that will look really good compared to me. So I might have to backstab my best friend before the time runs out. 

Wtf was that tribal. Literally besides Colin, the only person left out of the vote and lied to by my own partner. Just when i thought things were looking up for me in this game, the rug gets pulled from underneath me again. I literally dont feel like i can trust any of them but for the sake of playing nice, I have to pretend that everything is fine and be a fake bitch for a day or two. Ugh 😑

I understand Colin is probably really upset and hurt because he felt personally close with me, but I don’t understand why my reasons for not saving him weren’t valid. When he tried to save Dennis, it rubbed HIMYM the wrong way and I didn’t want to betray 5 people for 1 person the same way he did that because it’s what gave everyone distrust. He said he didn’t tell anyone about HIMYM until after he heard his name, but that’s a lie as Josh and Jay both heard of it by round 8. I said that and then he said “well that’s still one person”. It’s more than one and even then, one person is one person. You gave us a reason to distrust you and that’s why you were targeted. I never told anyone about his SWP because I didn’t want to give him a reason to tell others I’m not trustworthy or for him to target me with. Ultimately, of course I knew Jay wasn’t going to send me out, but there was a real concern that Babs had an idol and that between me and Anastasia, I would go. So yeah, my concerns were indeed valid as it could’ve gone to a point where I go. I really want immunity this round. So bad. But if it’s not me I’ll be ok with my allies having it. But please I want immunity!!! 

[this was earlier, but put it wherever✨] Sooooo so much drama these days, I used to be in an alliance with Jay, Brayden, and Anastasia but they're all in a megasix alliance except Jay is relatively new bc they swapped him out for Colin recently, Jay is completely in Jodi's pocket and RIP honestly bc I was hope our little Corn Tribe (we're both from Ohio lol) would make it far, Colin and I are firmly allies now and we have an alliance with Amy (who is currently Colin's no. 1 ally and I respect that she risked it all for him lol understandable) and are goin to make another one with Josh. Josh and I are allies and I trust him a lot partially bc ppl lied to him almost as much as ppl lied to me and Colin and being at the bottom is a good way to know your allies are true, they have little to gain 😂 oh and Brayden and Anastasia and I are still "allies" and idk Jay hasn't talked to me yet sooooo let's see what happens there!

I accidentally said that Josh was on the bottom out loud when I was answering him for the question who doesnt deserve to be here. Omg I literally ruined our relationship. I am sooo stupid. I literally told him i was sorry and he said K. Ok but he is on the bottom. Obviously he doesn't need me as an ally and that whole side has a plan. Omg Im ready to be blindsided lol. But also maybe dont vote out me. Josh really isnt that forgiving is he? That is crazy to me. I wouldve pretended to forgive at least. Now I feel even more awful because he never said he forgave me. Pain. Anyways I screwed up and now I'm just praying Josh doesn't gun after me now. But I did tell Josh the whole truth and apologized genuinly about the situation. Oh god I hope he doesnt hate me. I dont even want him as a jury vote I just cant take anyone hating me or disliking me. It makes me want to throw up. But I deserve to feel this way since I emberassed him infront of everyone i am so so stupid. Anyways time to plan who to get out. OMG JOSH JUST TEXTWD ME "It's fine Im on the bottom. My feelings dont matter" WHAAATTT OF COURSE HIS FEELINGS MATTWR I CANT BELOEBE IHURT HIS ACTUAL FEELINFA I AM SO STUPID WTF I AM AWFUL I WILL GO APOLOGIZE MORW NOW GOODBYE

it appears either jodi or jared are going tonight, and although they’re my allies, i selfishly don’t care. I’ll still be in the game, so that’s nice i suppose. I love jodi, but she’s paranoid and it’s a whole deal trying to work with her, if she got voted out i could maybe get some sleep every once in awhile. I love her to death, but frankly whatever happens tonight as long as it ain’t me I don’t really care. Hell, even if it is me, then whatever lol, I can get caught up on sleep then. Frankly this is where the game gets ugly, and i’m cool with staying out of the drama. it still sucks that josh hates me though, i genuinely like him, and i feel like he doesn’t want to be my friend beyond the game anymore. To me, i’m going to keep doing me. I’m gonna chill, i’m gonna relax, and i’ll play when i feel like it. My mental health is important, so even if i’m not playing as hard as others, it’s just a game. If i lose, i will not lose any sleep over it. 

DAMN last tribal really killed the vibes in the game. no one wants to talk. everyone is scared of stuff getting leaked or turning on people. BUT ON THE FLIP side that means everyone is flipping on everyone SOMEHOW amy managed to escape unscathed. They have NO idea she's in with us and with them. She's telling us everything. it's actually insane to watch her do it. Truly international superspy behavior.   We have our numbers and they have theirs. They made another majority alliance except they replaced me with Jay. Whatever, expected. its fine. I truly did not talk much to people before the challenge, I just laid back and let Amy gather information for us. The immunity challenge was absolutely crazy good for us. Elle winning immunity is perfect, and the fact they GAVE AMY the other immunity is also amazing, a testament to how much they do trust her. THEN THIS IS WHERE THINGS STARTED GETTING EXCITING so I still have my handy chaos idol. I was thinking about numbers and I came to the realization that we could get Jodi cirie'd out this tribal. Their side is splitting votes on Josh and I, and there's four of us. If we vote the other 4 people in that alliance and then play the chaos idol, it leaves Jodi the only one without a vote and she's automatically out. It was a huge risk but I brought this plan to Josh, Amy, and Elle. because of the touchy subjects it made me truly feel that I could trust my allies right now. I was voted "Who is your closest ally" and I'm almost certain it was those three that put me down. That means I can trust them with this plan. (I hope). Elle, however, brought up the very good point that Jodi might be idoled, it's very obvious for us to go after her. SO we also decided that we should leave no votes on Brayden and then theres a revote between the two. SO TLDR THE PLAN RN: play chaos idol and coordinate votes so there's a revote between Jodi and Brayden. Also we're telling everyone else our plan is to vote Jared, that way it's not too obvious we have shit up our sleeve. there is the prospect of them splitting the vote 3-3 and then we don't even need to use the chaos idol, we just have the numbers. The other option is they put all 6 votes on one person and then we do have to play it. Thats why its so good we have Amy as our inside source telling us everything that's going on with them. so yeah right now we're still playing it by ear. not a lot of people are online and available to we're just waiting to get it all sorted out. Updates soon! uwu

Hahahahaha omfg so after we yeeted out of last tribal and then elle used their idol apparently anastasia and jodi changed their vote to Babs so they still went home and we kept Colin's idol. We jumped back on the tribe call and it was only host Jay and Raffy left lol like we were ready for a tribe fight! But I think it turned out better because I am still getting all the info in the group. Touchy subjects was interesting and almost exposed us bc colin and jodi tied for closest allies lol which I'm sure it was like 3-3-whatever. But she said I'm the group maybe it was like 2-2-1s. So that's a relief. However. Everyone is being really quiet with me and our brayden - jodi - me alliance is silent. I'm concerned they think it is me who's leaking but from what I can tell jodi (and thus anastasia, brayden,jay, and jared automatically) believe it was elle who leaked the plan to vote colin. So idk how but I'm in the clear. I'm just waiting to be found out bc I'd be an easy vote out. BUT I think they believe I'm still with new himym because brayden chose to give me immunity in touchy subjects!! And elle got first out!! So we are both safe and the current plan for Jodi's group is to tell Colin josh and elle they are splitting but they will put all votes on josh so that colin flushes his idol. Except lol it's a chaos idol. And if that's the case colin wants me to vote him ☠️ but it actually keeps him safe so I'll do it. I would just hate for the chaos idol to be fake. I think I know where all remaining advantages are except the idol I think Jared has lol. So for the break down brayden has an idol he believes is real but is fake and he is not telling anyone in the group or jodi or me so as much as I like brayden I can't wait to see him play it and it's fake. Then Colin has Dennis's chaos idol and one more regular idol. I have the merge idol and a steal a vote. That leaves only jared's idol that we might be able to flush this go if they actually believe jared is the target from Josh elle colin. But if they don't we can leave votes off jared and jodi and we can vote out the unplayed idol or vote jodi out and her minions have to regroup. My biggest concern has been josh bc he really seems to not like me ☠️ and here I am risking it all to keep colin, elle, and josh in the game lol. So now colin elle and I have a three. Colin filled them in and they trust me. And we waited until josh calmed down bc he was really mad that I cut his rope in the challenge. Unfortunately I knew that he wasn't winning bc he's at the bottom, none of them were giving him immunity, and I needed to keep up the facade that I was with them 100% so I was guessing like everyone else on the most allies even though I knew it would be colin lol. So now colin has talked to Josh and josh knows about the chaos idol so I just hope he's 100% with us. Because if we play this right it's 4-4. And then I'm gonna have to reveal to them I have a steal a vote lol they might be upset I didn't tell them before but I've never said I didn't have anything (except to jodi whoops). Also now jodi is thinking worst case like wants me to say I'll vote out anastasia if it's a revote and also at 6. I was like "oh I'm a revote? I got you" as in if vote you out sorry girl. Listen I know I'm not winning and I know I'm not getting to the end because it would be stupid to take me at this point. I'm literally a double agent secret spy lol. However the entire jury WILL despise me but all I could hope is they respect the moves I made. But it seems like a lot of people in this game take things very personal so I really think it would be a completely bitter jury against me not that I'm getting there. I kind of don't want to use my steal a vote at 8 and hope they still think I'm with new himym because then we could simply idol where their vote is and I keep steal a vote for 6 and my idol for 5 and I'm golden lol 😂. And here I was gonna hard quit the game lol. I mean tbh they could just vote me here... Wait lol I'm immune jk thanks. Literally i think Babs is indifferent and dennis did like me but his vote would still go to colin. But if I was in f3 IMAGINE the story of have to tell lol and convince them all. It's the struggle of playing more behind the scenes but I really think someone is going to leave the info. I hope josh stays quiet until 7 when we should have numbers. Anyway all of this to say I wanted to play this game doing the absolute minimum and I'm spending hours and hours a day like copy pasting from the group to colin 😂 and now to our group. The problem is colin really believed jared when he said he'd flip and I was like colin no that's EXACTLY what he detailed he'd do in the group. And then Colin and josh were like wait anastasia and brayden may consider flipping and here I was like no y'all they are telling me / us they're saying that. Unless it's like a double play they are lying to you and that's their plan. All I can do is copy paste their exact messages and hope they believe me. I really do think they trust me bc I'm risking my life here. I just need to talk to Josh and explain the situation and I am with him not against him! Honestly this is such a great cast and they are playing very well. It'll be fun to see how it all works out. I don't think I'll be at the end but I would love to see underdogs take it. I would actually love josh elle and Colin at the end and I'd vote colin to win lol he put in work! I'd also vote anastasia to win because she has laid low so well with still having pull in the game. Idk it's a fun one that I think will blow up on me soon but I've been channeling Raffy's chaos and messy style bc I'm just here to have fun not to win actually lol. I am writing this while on a flight so I'll have updates later. Oh right our 4 group plan is to use the chaos idol and throw votes around so that like 2 or 3 people don't have votes then they are the only ones vulnerable in the revote and everyone who got votes is safe. Then we can vote either jared or jodi like that's the thing if jodi doesn't play an idol here I don't think she has one or no one is giving her one. I think my only chance to make it farther is to let the 4 group know I'm with them 100% but still keep my idol for myself hopefully until 6 or 5 but lol idk about that. Like I can see them wanting to take me out then. Okay that's all my thoughts right now.

https://youtu.be/ji7K8HkLmRY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78Ru1J0iXYA&feature=youtu.be

https://youtu.be/rVRVR2zzkPc

https://youtu.be/PAjCL7-GWV

[😬 Not me completely forgetting to send this oops here i'll add a fun quote at the beginning] Jodi is Regina George, we are the schoolbus✨ Sooooooo Colin has a chaos idol how fun for him and tbh im kinda tired so here's the voting plan and the rest you can just kinda glean: Amy - Josh Elle - Colin Josh - Anastasia Colin - Jay ~~~

Edgic:

Power Ranking:

Amy: She has managed to escape suspicion from last round. Nobody believes her to be the rat leaking things to Colin. She is in the best position in this game right now being on all sides and having every single option open to her.

Colin: King of idols. King of chaos. He has it all locked down. Has capitalized on those the Jodi side has burned. Will continue to capitalize on it. The power struglle ends here.

Elle: Mostly just floating behind Colin’s shield which is what she should be doing atm.

Josh: If he stays out of people’s periphery, he can make it far. Might be dragged to end, but could make a great pitch for himself.

Jay: Ruined his position with multiple people last round. Is sort of in the middle? Sort of not? He is definitely aligned with Anastasia and Brayden who are protecting him.

Brayden: If he betrays Jodi, he will shoot up in this ranking. Needs to become a free agent instead of being locked into an alliance.

Anastasia: If she betrays Jodi, she will shoot up in this ranking. Needs to step away from Brayden and Jay who are clouding her good judgment. She is being iced from the other side.

Jared: I don’t know why he is going to use his idol on Jodi? His loyalty to her will be his downfall.

Jodi: Seems to have accepted being voted out this round. Seems to have backed herself into a corner based on her logic. Too worried about advantages to see the right path.