#my coworker has crazy health problems

[astarlightmonbebe]

the fact that almost every single close female person in my life has has dealt with (chronic) health conditions that impacted or are impacting their daily lives...

[accirax]

initial thoughts on DCAS episode 18

it means that you have to vow to love and cherish him in sickness and in health, for better or for wo--

...? like, i know that some of Riya's 9 wins are definitely due to the Yellow Team, but especially when combined with Riya's tendencies to sabotage and cheat her way through the game, i truly fail to see how Ally could possibly be considered the bigger threat. Jake when he's lying.

was anybody else really confused by them using the wrong rig in this scene? the hair tie already fell off AND Riya picked it up, there's no way it should still be on Connor's ankle.

i'm glad to see that Ally and Connor can still have fun together despite it all :)

see, and then this plan ALSO doesn't make sense because (if the animation rig was correct) Ally and Connor should have assumed that the hair tie found on the ground was the same one that fell off of Connor's ankle, meaning the Jake and Riya had equal opportunity to destroy the challenge. and in that case it DEFINITELY would have been Riya!!!

Derek and Trevor have been camping together before? that's not typically something you do with just a coworker. how long have these two actually known each other?

this line KILLED ME when i first watched it in the episode. "i need to take a break to spend time with the ones that matter, which definitively doesn't include you, pseudo-boyfriend. :) mind if i abandon you here while i hang out with people i like better than you? which includes a haunted marionette?"

genius reason to explain why Ally has Ashley, actually.

the fuck else was she supposed to do at this dead end

LET'S GO YAU MAN LOGIC!!! this has to be a reference to Survivor, right? although, my sister said that Yau Man advised people to hug the right wall.

I THOUGHT YOU GOT OVER THIS!!!!!!

this was really fun, actually :)

okay, so, uh... i didn't like this turn of events, obviously. i understand what they were going for: they wanted to re-raise the tension between Jake and Ally before the finale, both so that it's more up in the air of whether they can come together to defeat Riya, and to up the personal stakes if the finale does end in a 1-v-1 Jake vs Ally showdown. however, they shouldn't have done that by making Jake's character suddenly regress this hard out of nowhere.

i've enjoyed how Jake's character development has been taking a "two steps forward, one step back approach," because it feels more realistic than Jake only ever becoming a better person and never making any mistakes after he realized that he had a problem. however, this close to the end of the show, the viewers need to feel like the time that they've invested in watching Jake grow actually means something. if we think he's finally about to take one step forward to cross the finish line and instead he suddenly starts running backwards towards the start, we're going to start to question why we were ever rooting for him to win in the first place.

i know that part of the issue here is that i'm not taking into account that Jake may have preferred for Riya to win immunity over Ally, but as i explained beforehand, that decision doesn't make any sense. it especially doesn't make sense when the last thing we JUST saw with Jake was questioning if Connor would even want to keep Jake in the game over Ally. sure, you might prefer it if Riya wins and then you vote out Ally, but if you're insecure enough to believe that Connor might instead send the votes your way, it's smarter to play it safe and all vote for the easy target. Connor would obviously vote for Riya, and Jake could as well, meaning that in that situation Jake gets thrown into a tiebreaker at worst.

therefore, that means that this decision was a purely emotional one as opposed to a strategic one (as they tried to brand it), meaning that it feels like Jake has learned nothing despite copious amounts of time spent teaching him things. i don't think this was a good writing decision at all.

this was crazy actually. shouldn't she go to jail for this? either way, ConRiya is so over.

just want to reiterate that i don't have a conceptual problem with Jake regressing at all, i just don't think that he should have done it that hard or for seemingly no reason.

WAIT YEAH SHE'S OUTRIGHT SAYING IT HERSELF! how the hell is Ally a bigger threat than Riya?!

this is really interesting staging. despite being the one threatening Connor, Riya is smaller and lower in the frame. that makes the viewer subconsciously think that she has less power, which is kind of true, given that her villainous attitude has destroyed all of the lasting relationships she could have had. i wonder if it was intentional or not.

dude didn't you see the lie detector helmet challenge?

what happened... to you being worried that Connor would take Ally instead of you... and feeling remorse after being rude to Connor... and overall being insecure and anxious.......

alright, so despite my earlier complaining, i actually really like the decision to have Connor quite here. because, it's true, he couldn't win after his foot got broken! Connor's overall character arc has been accepting that he's aged and he can't always keep up with the young folks, so entrusting Riya's defeat to the younger generation is fitting. there are also some mirrors to how he felt that, with his business, a lot of power was handed to him that he didn't deserve, so now in the game he's taking that sentiment and stepping down from the blessed role of easily being taken to the final 3. speaking of parallels, there's also obviously the parallel between Connor quitting the game to save Riya in season 2, and now quitting the game in an attempt to ensure Riya's loss in season 3. that part is really fun!

i was really not enjoying this episode at the time that Riya won immunity, but with this ending, i'm a lot more positive/neutral on it overall. i think that the ending they wound up at is an ending well worth telling, but in many cases, the sacrifices they made along the way to get to this ending weren't necessarily worth it.

this screencap is pretty hype, ngl. also, as @venus-is-thinking again pointed out, it is true that this season started with 18 contestants, 6 of which were former finalists. thus, mathematically, it makes sense that 1/3 finalists before would be finalists again. i still overall wish that Riya wasn't a repeat finalist, but hopefully Riya's ~amazing~ performance in the finale will cause me to take back my words. not amazing winner, mind you. just amazing in terms of entertainment and payoff.

Derek has just been, like, a really cool dude for the latter half of this season. no wonder he has the moves to pick up Kristal and Trevor.

add another tally to the kiss jumpscare tally, boys!

this was very sweet, and also an indicator that krisrek is TOTALLY dead as a (canon) ship. to be honest, i wonder if they're supposed to have essentially broken up already, what with Kristal's exclusion of Derek as someone who matters. that would be a great instance of subtle storytelling.

[raisinchallah]

you know crazy how much my mental healths improved since i quit my job and also i think ive gotten like a bit more confident in myself no longer feeling as afraid to simply speak to people it was crazy how much my coworkers just like completely ignoring me and acting like i was barely there or a complete human being kinda fucked with my head like i was having anxiety over the idea that saying a word to a human being i didnt know was like intruding and a problem and like literally felt shame for simply existing anywhere not that im not still crazy but like this extremity has definitely lessened a lot

[bonnibellexox]

A casual summary of my book:

So I’m gonna drop the “In A World...” tone and just explain the vibe of my book series, Status Quo. Im crazy and refuse to scientifically inaccurate so appreciate the research this bad boy took.

Our story follows a young biologist named Phylum as he ventures out of his underground bunker/facility a few hundred hears after an apocolyptic event mutated every living thing on earth.

The substance, a water soluable crystal called Catalyst, allows animals and plants to evolve on an individual level, adapting to their environment by producing new cells as needed to create new limbs, wings, gills, size changes and even longer lifespans.

When he is ditched by his coworkers, he ends up being saved by a surface girl named Canopy. On top of the fact she isnt supposed to exist, she surprises him by being smart, friendly and empathetic, going so far as to help him research Catalyst and its effects. As they get closer, her point of view opens his eyes to many of his own vices and even offers warmth he never thought he needed.

Romance ensues.

As he gets to know her and the surface, returning home at the end of each expedition, he becomes more and more aware of the problems with his society. Long ago, the facility was divided into classes based on intelligence and genetic health to manage a lack of genetic diversity. Its revealed that Phylum is part of the ruling class and, until now, had never considered that the system was unfair. But when he meets an audatious, blind little girl with no access to education due to her genetic conditions, he decides to tutor her, figuring she should be an exception to the otherwise balanced rules.

Anyway, romance, tragedy, dystopia, an autistic boy who is bad at telling what emotions he has, and an AuDHD girl who has no personal space, lossing the will to go on, gifted kid burn out, gay girls who ruin your life, privilege, cool magical animals, cat girl go prrrrrrrr. (Tumblr will eat this shit up)

I made a point to not have a boring white boy as a main character, so instead its a boring mixed boy. Dont worry he gets cooler. I have a crush on him AND Canopy already so expect much smut and hot behavior from these autistic mfs.

[justrandomfandomstm]

I have been noticing somethigng for a while and I need people to tell me its something that they have noticed too.

So, Im disabled. Physically and mentally. And this has made me grow up exceptionally fast in the maturing sense. And now that im technically an adult I notice more and more how people are just... not

Like at work people come to ME for info about all things metaphorical, some serious topics like mental health, their own problems and things that usually are reserved for older people. And I don't mind it, I love giving people info and stuff, I love helping them discover themselves and help them in ways I wish someone would have helped me. But it's... strange.

The thing is I'm barely even an adult still, and still feel like a child in so many ways, but I still always seem to be on the outside with them. Since I've been forced to grow up, everyone is going through revelations at 26 I went through at 16.

And its VERY weird to be one of the most mature person there and still be so technically young. Everyone thought I was at least 20 something, not 18. And I don't feel 18. I have never felt my age. I use it as the control of how much dosage of medication I should take, not as my age. And it's not a new thing, I have NEVER felt my age in any way. And it's getting worse.

I graduated and went to college at 17, finished my first uni year at 18 and dropped out. Same year and I'm working to move far away, a place to settle down. I've worked more than some of my coworkers. I'm the little child prodigy that makes them feel useless but I'm NOT. I STILL FEEL LIKE A DISSAPOINTMENT. I FEEL LIKE A 30 Y/O DISSAPOINTMENT. I DONT KNOW WHY

People look at me like I'm crazy or an 'old soul'. I've been called that MY WHOLE LIFE. I don't understand what it means, I don't get stupid youthful foolishness, I dont GET it because I dont feel young or foolish. And its exhausting to feel this way, so out of the world around me, always feeling so out of depth or swimming with toddlers, no in between.

That's why I have struggled with age and time all my life. I can never guess someone's age, I dont remember a single thing about my childgood and I can't name the ages I was at those times. Hell, I still say I'm 17, sometimes 20, or even 16. I dont feel the passage of time, I dont know what age I was when I started school, I dont know the age I broke my bones, started feeling chronic pain, started to grow up, started forgetting all those years.

But I cant SAY ANY OF THIS

BECAUSE PEOPLE TAKE IT SEXUALLY

LIKE 'im mature for my age' is now used for pedophilia and harrasment. But I AM. I AM AND I HATE IT. I AM AND I AM BURDENED TO LIVE LIFE WITHOUT SOME TYPE OF SPIRIT, LOOKING AT THE WORLD AS SOMETHING TO SOLVE AND NOT LIVE. SEEING IT AS BROKEN AS IT IS.

Maybe its because the world is burning down, being part of gen z and growing up in a burning world. And some people my age DO act like I do, but they are usually autistic or disabled and I just... want to know? idk, this was more of a rant. Im just so tired. Ha,

[confessions-official]

I did a thing and it worked. At least I think it did. I (32) was not supposed to live very long. My mom’s side has always been pretty long lived but develops severe age related health problems in their early 20s. My dad’s side is like a bunch of mayflies - we age quickly and don’t live much longer than 40-something, 50 if we’re lucky.

I lost most of my 20s to severe health problems. Issues with malnutrition, sudden weight loss, and chronic respiratory problems. At 25 I met a guy who claimed to have made a pact with a demon (won’t say which) for eternal youth. I thought it was totally bogus but the guy was nearly 30 and looked 18.

I wanted to live longer and not have my body fall apart before I even graduated college. You have no idea how sickly I was in my mid 20s, I was fighting death every day. So in spring 2018 I made a deal. I wet out into the woods with my supplies. I left offerings, I drew the sigil as perfectly as I could, etc.

I didn’t think it worked because I didn’t see anything, although the woods did grow dead silent for a couple of minutes and my offerings (I left jewelry and certain types of stones he was said to like) were gone the next day. I thought some hiker picked them up but you never know

And now I’m thinking it worked, maybe a little too well. I’m 32. My coworkers all seem to think I’m between the ages of 23-25. Guess how old I was when I made the deal? 25.

It could be mere coincidence but other stuff happened too. I was involved in a hit and run and even though I got hit pretty hard I got up and walked away totally unscathed except for a bruise on my arm. My abusive ex also beat me as revenge and with the injuries I had I should have died but not only did I survive, I healed fully. I should have scars or lasting disfigurement but no. Good as new with no lasting internal or external damage.

Also my health improved drastically since then as has my chronic pain. I know I sound crazy but I’m starting to think there’s things out there we don’t fully understand. In any case, if it worked, I’m extraordinarily grateful to the being who made the deal with me.

 

[jaitropdonglets]

Connecting with the Autistic Adults in Your Life

Tips for educators, therapists, friends, and loved ones

Devon Price

·

Following

Published in

Age of Awareness

·

13 min read

·

Jan 7, 2020

1.3K

I’m an adult Autistic person, and I love being Autistic.

Autism has brought a lot of wonderful things into my life. It’s given me the focus and intensity required to become a prolific writer. It’s helped me develop an analytic, critical perspective that can cut through the bullshit of bureaucracy, meaningless social rules, outdated gender norms, and so much more. And Autism has taught me to be strong in the face of judgement and ostracism, allowing me to stand up for what is right and provide a warm embrace to other people who have been excluded for being strange, inappropriate, not enough, “wrong”.

But for all its gifts, Autism also has its share of challenges. Actually, scratch that. It’s not Autism that’s the problem. It’s how other people respond to Autism.

Mainstream, neurotypical society creates loud, bright, unpredictable spaces, then expects Autistic people to navigate them seamlessly, without a wince or a complaint. When an Autistic person struggles, they are typically blamed for being oversensitive, or non-compliant, or simply for not trying enough. Without ever meaning to, allistic (non-Autistic) people lay out numerous Autism-unfriendly expectations for how other people think and act, and routinely express themselves in ways that Autistic people find confounding.

When we aren’t subjected to allistic expectations and norms, many Autistic folks get along just fine. Being Autistic, by itself, can be pretty easy. It’s being Autistic around neurotypical people that is hard.

A couple of days ago, an allistic therapist tweeted at me, asking how she could better serve her Autistic patients. I was so glad she knew to ask. Most mental health providers aren’t taught much about what Autism looks like in adults. Adult educators usually don’t know a thing about the topic. Neither do the friends and loved ones of Autistic adults. There’s a lot of very general information about childhood Autism to be found online, mostly stereotypical stuff best suited for cisgender boys with “masculine” interests, but if you love an Autistic person who differs from that mold, particularly an adult, you’re probably kind of lost.

So, how do you support the Autistic adults around you? How can you make the world a more accessible place for us? How can you be a more accommodating coworker, therapist, lover, or friend? Here are a few tips, inspired by a blend of my own experience, the (limited) research that is available, and countless conversations with my Autistic peers:

Communicate Directly — Even When It’s Uncomfortable

I often find that non-autistic people communicate in indirect, symbolic ways. They often care more about conveying a general feeling than they do expressing the literal truth. A lot of their messaging occurs on a non-verbal or social level, and when you’re Autistic, it’s easy to miss entirely.

Many non-Autistics seem to be especially uncomfortable with negativity. Saying “no” to an idea, telling a person they’ve got the facts wrong, passing judgement on an unethical act — these are really difficult for allistics to express. Instead, they’ll approach the truth from an angle. They’ll use sarcasm, veiled compliments, and small talk to make a point rather than stating it outright. It confuses Autistic people a lot, and makes us feel crazy.

For example, I’ve noticed that when an allistic person doesn’t want to do something, they will often point out an irrelevant flaw with the suggestion instead of just saying “sorry, I’m not interested in that activity”. Or they’ll say “maybe” when they actually mean “no”. They’ll broadcast countless nonverbal messages that mean anything from “please come over here” to “stop doing that” to “please leave me alone to talk with this person”, and then get frustrated when Autistic people can’t read them.

There’s also a frustrating lack of consistency in what an allistic person’s veiled message even is. Sometimes, an allistic person will vent or complain about a stressful situation as a way of indirectly asking for help in handling it. Other times, they’ll vent and complain because they want a supportive ear — and will be offended if somebody tries to offer them advice. It’s very hard to tell the difference.

Many Autistic people have a hard time detecting sarcasm, and we usually believe people mean exactly what they say. So if you want to express yourself to one of us, don’t dodge the issue. Just say it outright.

“I can’t do that”“Please give me some space”, “I don’t understand what you mean, can you explain it again?”, “I’m tired of talking about this”, and “I would love to do that” are all great examples of clear, direct communication. Just say what you mean. It’s that simple!

Of course, I recognize that for many allistic people, being straightforward isn’t actually simple at all. You’ve been taught all your life to temper rejection with praise, to hide disagreement behind agreeable language. But when you’re communicating with Autistic folks, you’ve got to throw that playbook — and your fears of being “negative” — out the window. As a general rule, we don’t get offended when people tell us “no”.

In fact, clear boundaries and honest rejections can help us feel safe. Most of the time we have to guess frantically at what allistic people mean, so it’s a relief when one just lays out how they’re actually feeling. Also, try not to be offended when we are similarly direct or blunt with you. We’re not trying to be hurtful or barbed. We’re just trying to express our feelings in a way that won’t be misconstrued.

Manage Expectations

Autistic folks expect people’s actions to be predictable and logical. To most of us, numbers have specific meanings, life has a structure, and things happen for a reason. When allistic people operate in vaguer, more intuitive terms, it can really throw us for a loop.

Here’s a really simple example. If my partner says he’s going to be ready to leave the house in five minutes, I assume he’ll be out the door in exactly five minutes. But often, “in five minutes” means something way more amorphous and vague to him than that. It’s more about a feeling of readiness than it is about something quantifiable. I know this about him — we’ve been together nine years — yet my brain short-circuits with confusion every single time it happens.

Similarly, when an allistic coworker tells me they’ll have a draft ready “by tomorrow”, I assume they have an accurate gauge on how long a task will take, and have set aside that amount of time to get it done. This almost never actually happens. I have found that for most allistic people, “tomorrow” is more aspirational than it is literal. When someone says “this will be done tomorrow” what they often mean is something like, “I’m gonna start working on it sometime this week”.

No human being is completely rational; even Autistic folks aren’t robots. But when we’re surrounded by allistic people who communicate in vague, emotion-based ways, we often end up feeling like confused robots who haven’t been properly programmed to interpret human speech. We thrive on consistency and feel most at ease when we know what to expect, so the more accurate you can be with us, the better.

Not sure how long an activity will take to complete? Give an estimate that allows room for error and setbacks. Want to cancel plans? Just say that you need to cancel, instead of using wishy-washy language about how you “might not be up for it”. Have to deviate from the pre-determined schedule? Let the Autistic person know as soon as you can, so we can prepare for it. Don’t try to soften the blow with euphemistic language — we might miss the message or be confused about why a change is happening.

Be Willing to Go Deep

I will never understand why someone would choose to only love something in half measures. It’s tragic to me that some people never get to throw themselves into the depths of passion for fear of seeming “weird”. Loving something intensely is a wonderful escape from the stressors of everyday life. It’s a transcendent experience. It helps us develop new skills and knowledge bases, and connects us with other people who share that capacity for depth.

Of course, allistic people are completely capable of going just as deep as Autistic people are. You can decide at any time to abandon your fears of seeming “cringey”, and take the plunge right along with us. You might find you like how it feels to lose yourself to obsession every once in a while.

Want to dive in? It’s really easy. Just ask an Autistic person about a topic that interests them, and really listen, with a genuine ear. Often, allistic people will do this frustrating thing where they’ll bring up an exciting, complex topic, but then quickly lose interest the second an Autistic person really tries to engage with the topic’s depth. It’s not a crime to prefer small talk, but most Autistics want to get more philosophical or analytical than that. Try coming along for the ride. You might learn something!

Autistic people love to share information about the topics that excite us. The process is called “info-dumping”, but it’s really an expression of affection and passion. You don’t have to sit and listen to one of us prattle on about Pokemon forever if you don’t want to, but if you can find common ground with one of us, there’s a lot of potential for connection and creativity.

Passionate Autistic people are the lifeblood of every nerd community, online database, and digital subculture. We pour a ton of energy into these social groups, and help make them into eccentric, comfortable spaces where everyone is welcome. Don’t be afraid to join them and geek out with us — nobody is going to judge you. It’s cool to be earnest. It’s fun to care about things! And the more time you spend with Autistic people, the less self-conscious you’ll feel about whatever freaky or niche interests you might have lurking inside you.

Don’t Expect Our Emotions to Look Like Yours

A few months ago, a lot of well-meaning feminist writers wrote pieces celebrating the fact that climate activist Greta Thunberg doesn’t smile very often. In a world where women are expected to be easygoing and pleasant to look at, it seemed revolutionary for a teenager girl to move through the world with a flat, serious face. Shockingly, most of these essays said little about the fact that Thunberg is an out, proud Autistic young woman.

You cannot separate Thunberg’s steely confidence from her Autism, and you can’t discuss the criticism she faces without acknowledging the ableism at the core of it. Thunberg isn’t just criticized for frowning because she is a young woman. It’s also because her way of emoting and expressing herself is deeply, proudly Autistic, and most people are still very uncomfortable with that.

Autistic emotions are different. We are often “flat-affected” and seem far less expressive and outgoing than our non-Autistic peers. This can leave people with the impression that we have no feelings or internal lives at all. Our neutral, resting expressions can read as angry, blank, or depressed to allistic people. We often get told to “smile!”, or get criticized for seeming unfriendly, but faking the cheerful bubbliness that allistic people desire from us can be downright exhausting.

Expressing emotions as an Autistic person is a total double-bind. If we try to look calm and behave “normally”, people think we are emotionless automatons. Yet if we express ourselves in the loud, physical, abnormal ways that feel authentic, people think that we’re freaks. Whichever route we choose, we end up being corrected and reprimanded constantly. By the time we’re adults, most of us have been told thousands of times that our emotions are totally inappropriate, so we’ve learned to don an impassive, phony mask instead.

“Masking” Autism is exhausting. A lot of research has shown that the better an Autistic person is at feigning a neurotypical personality, the greater a toll it takes on our mental health. So if you want to be a true and committed ally to the Austitic folks around you, you’ve got to get comfortable with our unique ways of expressing emotion.

If you love an Autistic person, don’t try to guess what they are feeling. Don’t assume that just because their face is flat and serious-seeming that they are angry, or sad, or depressed. Don’t ask us constantly if we are “doing okay” or if “something is wrong” — it can feel like a reprimand to put our mask back on. Don’t tell the Autistic people in your life that their happy flapping or sorrowful bawling is “too much”. Read up on Autistic meltdowns, and come to understand how emotional overloads feel.

Most of all, don’t pressure Autistic people to feign a neurotypical personality. One of the most damaging things you can do to one of us is to judge and stifle our authentic, healthy communication.

Relax the Social Rules

Most social norms are completely arbitrary and have no logical explanation. This confounds the hell out of most Autistic people. Why does wearing a piece of elaborately knotted fabric around your throat signify that you are a professional? Why are some complicated hairstyles considered fancy, yet other, equally elaborate hairstyles are considered workplace-inappropriate? Why do we routinely ask people how they are doing, yet never expect a negative reply?

At best, these pointless rules are an annoyance that neurotypical people learn to ignore. At worst, they are a means of exclusion, making public life inaccessible for anyone who is marginalized. Rules about what counts as ‘professional’ conduct and attire are often racist, sexist, transphobic, and ableist to a massive degree.

One of the greatest gifts of Autism is a keen ability to see through all this arbitrary prejudice. Many of us find it nigh impossible to follow rules that make no sense or are damaging. If a piece of useless fabric is physically uncomfortable, we’re not gonna wear it. If a gender norm is reductive, we’re not going to follow it. If there’s an injustice staring us in the face, we’re going to want to confront it, even if the allistic people around us view doing so as ‘impolite’.

In mainstream, neurotypical society, this amazing gift is instead perceived as a curse. Sitting comfortably and wearing cozy clothing is seen as sloppy or immature. Honesty and authenticity gets us labeled rude. If we don’t provide the socially expected amount of eye contact, people think we’re liars, or even joke that we seem dangerous and scary. We end up being ostracized despite having done no harm at all.

If you want to help Autistic people thrive, you’ve got to loosen the rules. In professional settings, really consider which expectations are important, and which are arbitrary signifiers of status or ability. Does having a dress code impact how business is done in any measurable way? If people are permitted to a little strange, is there any harm done? Do you need every employee to be a talented conversationalist, or is there room in your world for people who are shy, with stuttering voices or gazes that never leave the floor?

Outside of work and school, consider how social norms influence your social perceptions. Are you creeped out when you see a guy rocking in place on the bus? If someone takes a few seconds longer than normal to answer a question, do you respect them less? Do you think it’s wrong or inappropriate for an adult to sleep with a stuffed animal? Do you only choose friends who dress, talk, emote, think, and live as you do? Why?

Don’t be afraid to surround yourself with people who make you feel a little awkward sometimes. And don’t hesitate to stand up for those among us who come across as unusual, eccentric, or harmlessly awkward. People who behave and think in non-normative ways can challenge you and help you to grow. And being around a variety of types of people can free you to be more authentically, bizarrely yourself, too.

…

Being Autistic in a neurotypical society means constantly violating the rules of a game that no one taught you how to play, and which you never consented to being a part of. You’re constantly being told, in indirect ways, that your actions, mannerisms, and words are unacceptable. People seem to be constantly misleading you, and yet find your attempts at clearing things up to be rude or suspect. When you do finally figure out the rules of the game, you discover that they are incredibly taxing and emotionally depleting for you to follow. It can be despair-inducing, and deeply isolating.

This can all change in an instant, however, when an allistic person makes the choice to meet us halfway. When people are honest and straightforward with us, we are able to form safe, healthy relationships with strong lines of communication. When we are celebrated for our weirdness, we get to challenge the status quo in important, far-reaching ways. And when we are allowed to express ourselves without fear of reprisal, we get to share our deep capacity for joy with a world that desperately needs it.

Autistic people do not need to be cured — we need to be accommodated.Thankfully, if you’re an allistic ally, accommodation can be easy. Just relax your adherence to social norms, get comfortable with a bit of strangeness, and tell us how you’re feeling. We want to get to know you. We have been reaching out and making overtures all our lives. Make an effort to know us, too.

[changedlives]

Crazy Praise

Re May 1 bible study….

Whewwwww!!!!! I went to sleep in the middle of this last night which was the first full night of sleep I’ve had in the last week-even my dog slept all night which has been an issue for a few weeks 🙌🏽. I restarted the message this morning while getting ready for work, continued the message while driving to work, and finished up the last half hour while at work. This was such a great message and in the mist of you saying that he will tell us what we need to do …literally seconds before it came out of your mouth I heard God speak to me and you immediately confirmed it before I could even question if it was Him or not. 🙌🏽 Thank you!

The woman with the blood issue made me break down at my desk…I had been living with pain in my back from a car accident since 2019 and it’s just gotten worse over the years. I’ve seen multiple doctors/physical therapists/ chiropractors…had a ton of radiology to see what the problem is-not ONE test came back with any abnormality despite the fact that I couldn’t sit up straight and was always in severe pain. I was on multiple medications that gave no relief. I had multiple nerve block injections and even a bilateral nerve ablation which had me unable to walk for almost two weeks. Me and my best friend had those very same text conversations almost on a weekly basis where I would tell her how I was still in pain with no relief, and her response was always how long have you been going through this and why can’t they figure out what’s wrong with you? Her and her mom were always praying for me as well and always let me come to them when I didn’t feel strong enough to make it through.

I had also been struggling with my mental health. Years of childhood trauma, severely toxic work environments and a mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship weighed heavily on me for years. I tried therapy for a few years and I never felt any progress. I was prescribed medication for the severe panic attacks and to sleep at night-neither ever worked so I had to try several different kinds-NONE of them helped me in any way.

Before the end of last year I had gotten fed up with doctors and I said God, I’m giving these issues to You. I threw out all of the medication that was prescribed for anxiety/depression, sleeping and pain. I knew it was crazy to do but I said this is how crazy my faith is in God!

Then a few months later I came across one of Bishop’s reels on Instagram telling me to hold on. I didn’t follow right away because of seeing some things I shouldn’t have growing up in church I was of course skeptical. One day while cleaning I noticed Bishop was live for a Bible study and I was able to catch it from the beginning so I tuned in. It was so refreshing to hear him teach the Bible the way he did. I started to go back to listen to his teachings and it scared me how certain things he spoke related to me either at that time when he originally preached or in that moment present day as I was newly watching.

I had been struggling financially due to health issues since last year, lost my job as a paralegal in February 2024- I couldn’t be mad because I was praying asking God if that was where I was meant to be, I wasn’t happy but I also wasn’t leaving. I got an eviction notice March 27, 2024 and it didn’t shake me. I was miserable in the house because of many maintenance issues that were never resolved. One late night pop up Bishop spoke on taking action and to trust God, specifically to start packing was my take away so I did. I had no plan, no place and it’s me, my daughter and my new puppy. While packing I just kept praying, saying “God I know you got us” and each time anxiety tried to get to me I rebuked it immediately. On March 29, 2024 one of my old coworkers called me out of the blue and I told her what was going on…without any kind of hesitation, she told me that we could all come and stay with her because she had two extra rooms so my daughter could still have her own room. Totally unexpected and not at all who I would have expected to look out for us in such a way. I joined Harvest March 30, 2024 because there were no more questions in my mind and I couldn’t make it through my days without one of the Pop ups or prior teachings. I’m truly grateful to God for giving Bishop such wisdom to make a hybrid church because staying confined to those around me in Baltimore City I would have never gone back to church fully.

My career was at standstill. Jobs I was well qualified for with various lawyers offices NOT ONE of them called me back for an interview. It was my comfort zone but was no longer making me happy. Stepping out on faith again I completely left the legal field after 12 years, April 1, 2024 started with a new company as a receptionist, no fear of starting over because they can already see me in my next position as a project coordinator (and this was said during my initial interview). I also started at a time where I walk in the door with benefits 🙌🏽 even pet insurance for puppy!!!

I started giving faithfully. I never used to tithe previously but since I started working again that’s the first thing I do, even gladly gave my First Fruit offering which I’ve never done. I give my seed offerings after each message and just looking at my giving for April 2024 alone shows me how much I’ve been blessed because I remember just back in February-March 2024 I didn’t have a financial seed to give but I would at least give clothing to one of the homeless shelters here. My May 1, 2024 seed offering cut my car payments in half for the next 6 months and I had a prayer moment with the call rep which NEVER happens. The seed amount was $30, I gave $30.30 and my payment amount went from $669 to $303 - that call happened literally 30 minutes after I gave!

The pain that I was dealing with in my back is lessened as each day goes by so I’m able to do more with my daughter and be more active like I used to be. I no longer feel anxious all the time and when those feelings try to creep up on me I just pray and they immediately go away. I’m no longer depressed or sad about my storm because for how it happened I know it was God removing me because I wouldn’t remove myself. I have peace at home now and at work which I have prayed for for a long time. I’m the happiest I have been in my entire life even though I have no plan or control of what happens next. I am truly walking by faith and I know God is just getting started!

[kouhaiofcolor]

Plz note I am not comparing the two as far as challenges/prejudices, I just wanted to vent.

I wear a head wrap to work pretty much 95% of the time as a protective style. I cut my hair about 2 years ago and my goal is to obtain healthy hair that’s reaches my mid back w shrinkage. As of now, my hair is collarbone length stretch, but jaw line length shrunken. I have a coworker who wears a lot of weaves and wigs as a protective style, and she occasionally wears her natural hair out. Whenever she wears her natural hair, she constantly gets sooo many compliments. I DO NOT have an issue w that bc I am obsessedddddd w her hair. However, my problem is that when I wear my hair out, ppl in the office look at me strange and act if I’m some sort of freak show. I genuinely don’t get it. She has really nice 4c hair and her braid outs look amazing, but sometimes she doesn’t even style her hair (which is equally beautiful). I have 3c hair & 4a (in some frizzy sections of my hair) and I will literally take forever doing different styles and I still get looked at crazy.

So long as you're not experiencing any discrimination or biased treatment for wearing your natural hair at work, no matter what it looks like or how it's perceived, I wouldn't worry too much about this. Like, as long as you're not experiencing something like being sent home instead of being permitted to work just because you're wearing your natural hair out, just stay focused on keeping your hair healthy. Optimal health will take care of everything else (length, strength, thickness, elasticity/shrinkage, etc). Don't allow anyone to influence you to look at this badly or feel negatively about it. The way I see it, it's great that you have representation of natural 4c hair where you work. We sparsely have it anywhere in prevalence.

Have you asked your coworker about her regimen, by chance? Has she shared any maintenance advice or recommended you any products to give a try & see if they work for you? Stay secure in your journey, find what works for you, & be consistent. Nothing wrong w/ your coworker being complimented or praised for being in the midst of her own journey, either. That could just as easily be you :) Encourage each other. Don't give in to any pressures you feel imposed to move backwards, either. Find what works for you & stick with it. I guarantee you that's what your coworker probably does or did at some point. I would love to know how your journey's going thus far (since I'm so late answering this).

[resmarted]

haven't been on psych meds all week due to liver failure and emergency intervention to reverse the effects of the damage from trying to replace covid meds with tylenol (even those also give you liver damage apparently and my tylenol levels didn't even appear to be that high in the end? tf?)

have already been on the brink of tears a few times, namely when chris didn't pull my show and said he knew my ability to bounce back in time. i can't even talk about it i will start sobbing it's like the most moving thing anyone has said to me in so long.

was also considering going down on these meds already and wanted to taper off to see how i manage. i have been on a steady combo of anxiety and depression meds since i was 22. i was very exhausted from being the funny girl in every setting to the point where every coworker at whole foods would want to know what was wrong the second i stopped smiling or goofing off. the expectation of me and the sad jester complex that came along with it for years got to be too much. i also felt like i had turned it into a full time job making everyone else around me comfortable which somehow evolved into being an emotional dumping ground for everyone to lay their own issues out onto, whether we knew each other or not. i genuinely care for people but there is a fine line between being nonconsensually assigned at random to become someone's free therapist and being this hardened bitch for setting boundaries and not engaging in the people-pleasing techniques of culturally fetishized support group mentality. or something idk how to explain it but i decided at some point it was much safer to just be seen as a bitch than a free vent box for other people who refuse to get on their own meds or proper treatment plans with licensed professionals etc. people tend to see that you have been through a lot and therefore you have all the answers to get them through their stuff, but it took a lot or work and therapy and is an ongoing process. it's actually really insulting and extremely lacking in self-awareness to make your problems everyone else's around you and being the only somewhat healed person in a room makes you a magnet to people who want to feel better too without doing the work. people don't deserve to be victim to your emotional outbursts or of your vampiric tendencies.

that being said, not to be anye-kay but i was a much more prolific writer and a lot of my best art has been created from the depths of hellish experiences and times in my life. suppressing my feelings about the world and not pouring it into my art is not very cash money of me. also tho the best art is made during the winter and the worst time to go off meds is also during this time, generally for the same reasons. also i think it's generally a lame excuse to say you can't make art with or without drugs. it may be easier one way or the other, but it's likely a discipline or skill issue. like maybe you're just a shitty artist and drugs is an easy way to avoid taking that accountability.

the mental health system is so fucked the regular health system is so fucked the living wage is fucked all of our money is being funneled directly into war and genocide and i just feel like numbing myself any further in this moment of revolutionary history is not the way to exist right now.

THAT being said i fucking HATE how people act off their meds, how they unleash their shit onto you with such audacious entitlement, and ultimately this world is designed to make you feel crazy, so if you can control your emotions in an act of survival then why wouldn't you? but also i am an artist, doggg.

i know how i get when i go off them for too long, how unsavory comments become, even when they are people i know disguising themselves as randos, and fortunately i have had enough experience to know how cruel and demented people get in groups on line (or in general) and have learned to genuinely not go looking for it after years or exposure tharapy alone. the second i get the slightest inkling we are not on the same team, you're out. no questions asked. like i could truly give a fuck what your excuse for your behavior you will or won't admit to, i have enough weirdo fucking stalkers online as it is and have for decades now. if you even have one of those people within six degrees or your social circle you're already on thin ice to begin with. i did not spend nearly forty years surviving this insane fucking life to go backwards. i don't attach myself to people with shitty karma, even if it's just by proxy of their friends of friends. if you want to survive cut-throat environments, you have to be willing to be called the bitch and the crazy one and whatever else will be thrown at you for refusing to adhere to a mold of low vibe mediocrity. you have to treat your social circle like an ongoing audition process that is never fully locked into place and be totally fine with whether or not people will get it (they won't, esp as a woman you will get thrown all those demonic labels and then some) it feels weird in the early days but eventually living in truth and integrity becomes second nature, and the revolving door of people who do and do not make it back for the following seasons of both your community environment of choice or your life in its most personal form always speaks for itself.

people play with fire expecting not to get burnt, play stupid games to win stupid prizes, despite how it ends the same each time etc etc etc.

say it with me: slow and steady wins the race. that falls on deaf ears attached to people trying to be the loudest in the room, but people only like fast food for so long and everyone agrees what quality is at the end of the day. you don't just get that overnight through overexertion and speed racing your way into a burnout. not everyone is meant to play this game according to the arbitrary set of rules on a constantly evolving and everchanging landscape.

this post was mostly for me btw. everything i do in this world is generally just for me. another great example of gaining a following by going against all the made up rules to a made up game that we are all just making up as we go along. [fiona apple 1997 vma voice] this world is bullshit just go with yourself

[kitsuna-ri]

So I lost my job yesterday and while I know it’s for the best (because ooh boy constant anxiety and stress) things were kinda fucked how it went down and I just want to make sure I’m not crazy. Here’s the rundown (it’s long, sorry):

Accepted SM assistant role last August. Was upfront about having limited experience, mostly either with accounts that had no budget or having long steps to go through to get a post approved. Said I was primarily a social WRITER but could make simple graphics and what not because I can use Photoshop and Canva. Basically hit the ground running, had virtually no real training and vague instructions. I was also suddenly in charge of way more categories, some of which had their own separate pages on social platforms and I would have to be responsible for all of them. I started with 5 categories, three of which consistently had multiple weekly or monthly events that needed posts. I also had to help boost, do mild comment and message moderation, and live tweet well into late hours or over the weekend. After getting settled I took on more work because we were a small team and I wanted to be as helpful as possible. I ended up taking on a weekly filming task that meant filming and editing the video in less than a day’s time. It took time because I had mentioned I don’t have strong video editing skills but I was willing to learn and try my best.

In late January, I was hit with a surprise move. I was told I had to be out by March and it was a few days from February. I was scrambled. But I still continued to take on what I could while panicking about my living situation. I get the move scheduled to not cost me too much missed time in the office. I asked my manager if I could WFH the day before my move just to wrap things up and was told to come in. I complied.

All this time, I have never once been approached about my quality of work from my clients or my boss. In fact, I even received a glowing yearly review and told I’m doing wonderful and I work great with my clients. We did have one of my categories break off and essentially took over their own social media with an influencer. It came as a big shock but I tried to roll with the punches and keep working hard for my other clients.

Then we had a HUGE event, like all hands on deck kind of thing. Still not given a ton of direction just “make as much content for this event as possible.” So I did. Now, around the end, I was having some trouble in my life (worries about my health, parents, etc) so I was admittedly burned out. I dropped a few balls. Nothing bad happened, no social catastrophe or anything, just didn’t pay attention when reposting a post and didn’t realize it was a carousel and not just one photo. I used a photo by prof photographer from a preview party and my manager felt the angle wasn’t good and took it down. Then, after she talked to me and was wanting to offer to show me some tips and tricks which I was eager for. Then there was an issue with a department she had basically dumped on me with little explanation and told me to use artist bios and I used one from the artist’s site and apparently that wasn’t ok. I told her I’d definitely be much more careful.

Then, I asked our intern to post a video on TT to continue a series we had started. Our intern was out but told me she could post things no problem even when I voiced concerns. She posted the video and apparently there was a typo. My manager completely loses it in in Teams but worse yet, in a group chat with one of my coworkers. I had a panic attack and was trying to explain what happened, apologizing and taking the Ls and offering solutions. She demands a conversation the next day so I agree.

She realizes like late morning that she had berated me in front of our coworker and apologized. But we were still having our convo. In this talk she’s telling me suddenly that my work has only ever just been “ok” which is the first time I’m ever hearing this feedback. We had monthly one on ones and she Never. Said. Anything. But now suddenly I was a problem and I needed to reconsider things, see if this is the right position, and she said she’d work with me and I was like “ok. I’m going to improve, I’m not going to screw up like this again.”

So the process was I sent her the design and proposed copy of what I wanted to post and she’d give me feedback. She NEVER came to shoot with me or show me tricks or tips except like once near the end. Instead she started “not giving a fuck” Because she was getting demoted from director to manager and was mad about it. She started half assing things and even being really curt and rude to clients. Meanwhile, I’m busting my ass to create only the best with minimal to no direction or real advice but I was noticing improvement. Plus, my clients were so happy with the work I was creating and how I was working with them.

I had another one on one and she tells me I’m doing great, she’s happy to see me taking everything to heart, etc etc.

This continues and other than one misunderstanding, I thought everything was great! I was doing more with video editing and really trying to make dynamic designs.

This month comes around and we’re suddenly hit with three BIG events in one of my categories, all happening at the same time, two events in one of my other categories, and I had also agreed to take one one other category which had weekly events as well. That meant for this month I ended up having 10 events to promote. We also lost our ability to boost ads so everything was relying on purely organic engagement. I made assets, I tried to balance posting with the three big events because they all had to post on the same IG/FB page. I didn’t want any one to be out shined and wanted to make sure the page didn’t seem spammy with so many posts each day because my other coworker also had two categories that shared the same page. So A LOT was being posted.

We have a meeting and someone asked if we were posting about a specific collection on social. We said yes, for sure. Because I had been posting. Then he continued on to say that he knew the lack of bids was just because this collection had way too high prices. Didn’t say anything else about social or our posts.

But my manager messages me basically berating me for not posting enough and why the fuck wasn’t I working hard. I was like ???? And explained my reasoning and immediately got told I was wrong and I had ten days to get posts up to three per event per day. So I proceeded to bust my ass.

Now, here’s the thing, I couldn’t post if she didn’t review my stuff. So I sent her all these posts to hit this new goal annnnnnnnnnnnd I got nothing back. For a day and a half. I had to ask for them three times before finally getting the feedback. But I still kept working. Then I unfortunately got food poisoning.

BUT because we had our new director starting, I took pepto and sipped on ginger ale so I could make it into the office. And I did. I did wind up leaving early but I had still been creating work and sending it.

However, because I suppressed my food poisoning the next day I was MISERABLE. So I finally decided to take the day. I sent my manager a message and hear nothing back so I make sure all my shit is handled and ended up having to do a whole video while feeling like death. But I did it.

I still had things ready and scheduled so I at least would be good to go. Now, in the afternoon my manager finally messaged me only to try and yell at me about a post my other coworker had done. She did say “apologies” and then asked if I’d be in the next day. I said I was going to do everything I could do I wouldn’t fall behind.

The next day, I did go in. A few hours later she suddenly showed up (she doesn’t work in office on Fridays). I’m working on some stuff, I had already sent her some things to approve, and she suddenly messaged me asking if I had a sec.

And that’s when she walked me to a conference room that HR was in. I even asked her if everything was ok while we were walking and she was like “mmhmm”

They didn’t let me pack my stuff, I had to ask my friend to get my things. They tried to be like “this isn’t a firing for anything bad…you just weren’t the right fit.” And my manager kept saying “we had all those discussions” but I’m over here like ?????? We’ve had maybe TWO and one was THIS WEEK!!! And it takes more than a day, hell a week, for HR to process a firing. I had formal write ups and yet I was done.

I’m so mad and also scared and just ugh. Fuck Capitalism, fuck that lying bitch, and just…fuck my life.

[megkana209]

Ch 2

"Cassie I have a few things I didn't get done on my shift" my coworker points to a stack of papers left on the desk by our main computer. "Just some new orders and X rays."

I nod my head in a silent confirmation that I was listening. Good the voice was going to leave me alone during the day time today as well. I used to exclusively work the night shift as the night time always scared me while sleeping but sense the voice appeared I began picking up day shifts not wanting to have a crazy conversation with myself during my work hours. I admit I'm a bit of a scary cat during the night, always feeling something was out to get me, so when the voices started I felt my fears confirmed. Most night now I anxiously cower near my husband before sleep takes me.

"Now let's go count the narcotics so I can get out of here." Connie prattle on.

"Ready to get home to jeff?" I asked genuinely curious. "Ow yes you know how he can be the big baby. He can't survive without me. I have to go home and cook him a meal before I can relax." She laughs a little at her own situation. "You got lucky with your husband being a chef I'll tell you. That lemon chicken you brought us last time was spectacular. Tell him thanks again."

I took the keys to the narcotic box and smiled at her gingerly. "If I tell him thanks one more time he'll think he has to cook you a feast to keep his biggest fans praise going lol. But seriously you should come over one night and we'll do just that."

"I'd love that" she replies simply in-between firing off narcotic numbers.

With my keys in hand I set off to begin my medication round, humming joyously to myself. Today would be a good day then. "Hello Tim, marcus." I call down those long yellow halls. They great back with a simple wave of the hand and a smile on there face. Ow yes a good day and one I will spend theorizing again on my down time.

I have a list of clues and theories for my mystery speaker. All of which seem silly and uninventful but I soldier on, determined to catch him and prove the paranormal as real, and myself not being crazy.

"Cassie we have a problem over here. Someone's complaining of pain." Rachel my cna calls out. "Coming" I reply pulling myself from my own thought as I lock my cart and begin my way to my patient. "I'm already ready to head home" I mutter to myself.

"Rachel do you ever have night terrors?" The day had slowed immensely and the two workers had taken there spots at the nurses station to begin their paper work for the day. "Not particularly" she replied bored and playing on her phone.

"I've been getting these waking dreams that have been freaking me out lately. I'm afraid my anxiety is going to go through the roof if they continue." I reply. My computer screen humming as I click away the hours charting.

"Havr you tried anything for your anxiety? You know go to the doctor or just light up a good Ole joint. Cannabis helps me with my anxiety"

"Rachel! We are in the health care field!" I laugh aloud "you'll loose your job."

"Let them fire me ill get a new job in a second and then I wouldn't have to deal with our good old friend frank anymore." She smiles.

Frank is one of our biggest trouble patients. He has a habit of not only sneaking off into the female residents rooms but harassing the staff as well.

"Cannabis is a no but maybe your right maybe I should go see a doctor, but you know me I hate doctors."

'Doctors won't help you anyways' my male voice said into my mind.

My fingers fumble on the key board, dread and shock coursing through me momentarily. I gulp but continue my conversation.

"My dude, there's nothing wrong with seeing the doctor. Don't be a chicken lol. You don't get poked with a needle everytime you go."

I scowl but continue on with my work, ruffling through a few more order papers.

"Night terrors could be a sign of some repressed shit though Cass. You may need to work something out."

"Ow I'm working something out." I mutter back.

[valparzjournal]

Hey friends ~.~

It's been a while. Work has been busy and fucking stressful. We are prepping the kids for the upcoming state assessments. We have less than a month and we have to meet so many kids for tutoring. We need to start working on plans to attend Saturdays. It's been a thing. We are planning our glow theme week to make things really fun for the kids.

I actually had a a really normal day yesterday. I don't want to say normal but it was one of the days that I didn't worry about having a panic attack, not a lot of anxiety, not having intrusive thoughts or fears. I was present and had so much fun with my coworkers. We had a professional development day and it was good. We were productive and had a fun team building project. I needed that type of connection with them because when we get together in lunch, we just talk about work work work. Which is not our fault but it is what it is. Lunch was fun too! My coworker and I were jamming out to One Direction and omg we were having so much fun. it was just a wonderful day.

My anxiety did kick in later in the afternoon though. To be honest, despite the crazy outside of mind thoughts Im having, I know that I'm getting better. I think I have known but I had to take off the training wheels off my bike to know what I'm capable of. For example, I thought my family dog, Maxine, was helping me in some way with my mental health but she was low key stressing me out and not letting me sleep which affected my anxiety. I say family dog because she lives with my mom and I bring her in when my husband leaves for work so I don't feel so alone. She helped me get outside to take her for a walk so that did help with my lab numbers lol. But I really want to start walking by myself after work. My husband left this past Wednesday for a few days and he said not to bring back Maxine because were were planning to have his mom here for spring break but she changed her mind last minute. I was nervous about not having Maxine but I know that this is happening for a reason. I do miss her a lot though.

I'm gonna talk about three more growths and then make my lunch lol. I haven't had a session in two weeks which is fine because my therapist was sick and we had conflicting schedules. That made me nervous too but then again I've been wanting to start bi weekly sessions. I know I can text her if I need her. She is great about that. <3

In the beginning of my recovery in in September, I bought play-doh to help me with my anxiety but I was so hyper focused about smells and how i thought it will give me panic attacks, I ended up giving the play-doh to my students bc it had a smell. *face palm* but it's valid lol. So yesterday during the team building project with my coworkers, we had to build a tower with uncooked spaghetti and play-doh. I was excited. I was like "oh my god, let me smell it. *smells it with delight* It's so nostalgic." Then 20 minutes within the project, it clicked that "oh shit, i used to be scared to be near play-doh." I feel awesome about it.

My next thing is that I drove with someone in the passenger seat. For some reason, i get more anxious when I have someone one in the passenger seat. One time in October, I picked up my coworker because her car was in the shop. I said yes with confidence but I was anxious as hell. I just told her that I won't be able to talk or anything lol. Well yesterday, a colleague was looking for her truck in the parking lot (it's a long story) and she asked if I could give her a ride around the area to find it. I said yes with no problem and we drove around and then it clicked that I had someone in the passenger seat and we were having a conversation and I'm like omg I have had growth haha.

I'm proud of myself. Please keep going, it's gets better with good change. <3

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: Wasn't Expecting That (19x02)

Nick is the most boring character Grey's Anatomy has ever written! Sorry!

Cons:

Like, seriously. Meredith's whole speech about how she went numb when she lost him... please. I think my problem with him is that it's hard to think of him being anything more than a blip on Meredith's radar. Her life has been filled with vibrant and interesting characters, and Nick is not vibrant or interesting.

You know I have to complain about this... Owen and Teddy. I will say that the somewhat comedic marital woes are a step above the angsty, overwrought drama we usually get with these two, but it's still not exactly pleasant to watch all the same! I was complaining last week that Owen's whole plot thread last season led to absolutely nothing in the way of real consequences. Well, apparently the consequences are going to be marital problems between Owen and Teddy. Yippee. Can't wait to see that. Ugh.

Pros:

I continue to enjoy seeing Meredith as chief even if I'm not thrilled about the Nick stuff. The episode ends with a reminder of the other part of Meredith's life that we don't get to see much of: she is a mother. Zola looks so big, it's crazy how long this show has been on the air. While she's making a presentation on her hero, her grandmother Ellis Grey, she panics and talks about how Meredith and Maggie are both also going to get Alzheimer's and die and she'll be all alone. First of all, Zola, that's a super relatable anxiety. I'm curious how this story will continue, if we're going to loop around to that looming threat of Meredith's health. After all, it's been roughly two decades since this show started. She's got to be getting close to the age her mother was when she exhibited symptoms, right? Crazy to think about.

It's fun to see Bailey get some time away from the hospital! She deserves it, and seeing her settled into her role as a mother is a special treat after all the drama and pain she underwent on her journey to get there. She and Jo being mom friends is such a lovely little detail. This show is inconsistent at best at showing these people having lives outside of their work, but when they get it right, I often really enjoy it.

The interns continue to impress me. It's early days yet, but they all feel distinct and interesting. I liked that there was a medical mystery this episode that they all got to come together to solve. They save their patient's life, although he is forced to have his leg amputated. I like how this played off of various strengths and weaknesses among the various interns. Simone gets to have the insight about the diagnosis, Jules gets to amputate his leg, but things almost go badly when she can't control the bleeding. I loved the scene of the two of them in the gift shop at the end of the episode, calming themselves down. I could see a real friendship forming there!

Not much of a friendship forming between Blue and Lucas, however. The cockiest of our new batch of interns sees Lucas and Amelia speaking in hushed tones together coming out of an on-call room, and incorrectly believes they're sleeping together. The truth? Aunt Amelia was trying to make sure Lucas had a place to sleep and food to eat! But Lucas doesn't want his coworkers to know he's related to the Shepherds, so he's keeping his mouth shut for now. That should be interesting.

The marital trouble in this episode didn't stop with Owen and Teddy. We also see Maggie and Winston at odds, as Maggie depends too much on Winston to basically act as her resident during the time when they didn't have a class of residents. Because of this, his own surgeries are constantly getting pushed around, his assistants are being poached. Winston is fed up. The thing is, in contrast to Teddy and Owen's over the top snark and bickering, Maggie and Winston feel like a realistic married couple, navigating the challenges of working together. They resolve it by the end of the episode, Maggie explaining herself but also admitting wrongdoing. I remember when Maggie and Jackson dated, and two characters who I had otherwise quite enjoyed, became insufferable to me. I'm so glad Maggie and Winston don't make me feel that way. I rather enjoy their relationship!

I'm sure there are other notable developments that I'm missing, but that happens all the time with a show as stuffed full of characters as this one is! That's where I'll leave off for now!

8/10

[typical-simplelove]

Comfort (M. Barzal)

Author's Note: This is based on this photo of Mathew's arms. I know this should probably be a smutty piece, but I don't feel comfortable with that or have the abilities to do that, so here's a fluffy piece instead!

Warnings: mentions of heart disease but only in passing.

Word Count: 1.7k

Comfort. What did that truly mean? By definition, comfort means a state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint. When people are asked about where they feel the most comfortable in their lives, many say in the comfort of their own home, their childhood home, or in the comfort of a grandparent’s house. It’s funny; in order to describe where one’s comfort place is, one has to use the word “comfort” in the response.

So, where’s your comfort spot? Sure, you could say you found comfort in a cocoon of blankets and pillows on your bed on a rainy day with your best friend next to you. Or, you found comfort sitting in your childhood home reminiscing about your childhood. Or, sitting on a chair in your grandmother’s house. All these were spots where you found comfort. However, where you found comfort was not a place but someone. It was in the hold of a certain someone. Who was that someone? Mathew Barzal. Your best friend.

For as long as you could remember, you weren’t big on touch or anything of that sort. However, Mathew made you want to be in someone’s embrace. You wanted, no craved, to be held by Mathew. You weren’t sure what it was. Maybe it was the warmth that always seemed to radiate off his body. Or, maybe it was his warm personality that drew you into him. It might be the way that you always felt calm around him. Or, it might have been his arms. His strong, muscular arms would hold you tightly but not make you feel like you’re suffocating. Maybe, it was a mix of it all. When you’d sit on your bed surrounded by pillows and blankets, the warmth you had didn’t come from the blankets or the pillows or the heating system; no, the warmth came from Mathew. His arms holding you against his chest allowed for the warmth to transfer from his body to yours. You could spend hours with Mathew’s arms around you holding you close to his chest.

When you’d have a bad day, the one thing that’d be able to make you feel better and calm you down was Mathew. He knew. You’d call him, and the way you greeted him, Mathew would know that you needed him to hold you. He’d rush over to your apartment, let himself in, and just wrap his arms around you. It didn’t matter if you were standing over the sink washing dishes or standing over the stove cooking dinner, Mathew would gently wrap his arms around you. Mathew would know that his arms around you calmed you down and comforted you when you’d breathe out heavily. You’d lean your back against Mathew’s chest, and all your worries would slip away.

Through finding comfort in your best friend, one constant thought continuously loomed in your head that begged to be addressed: Mathew was holding you and comforting you as a friend; however, you wanted him to hold you and comfort you as more than a friend. You didn’t want Mathew’s comforting to end with just holding you. You wanted Mathew to kiss you on your forehead or on your temple or on your cheek in comfort. You wanted Mathew to hold your hand in public and squeeze it reassuringly. You wanted everything with Mathew. It seemed, though, that Mathew didn’t want to give you that same comfort. You thought that you were being obvious in how you felt, but it seemed that Matthew didn’t catch on to your hints.

It was a particularly rough day at work. Everything happened to go wrong. Your boss was putting more pressure on you, and your coworkers were very officious and aggravating today. You knew that when you got in your car, you needed Mathew. You needed Mathew to comfort you and make you calm. You called him, and he just knew. The fact that he just knew made your heart warm. There wasn’t any way he reciprocated how you felt, right?

You got to your apartment, and Mathew was already sitting outside your door. He looked cute and comfortable wearing sweats and a sweatshirt. Your heart began to beat out of your chest at first sight. He greets you, asks if he can hug you, and wraps you into a hug when you say yes and get closer to him. You breathe in his scent, and suddenly, all of your worries went away. You knew that as long as you were around Mathew, you’d be more than fine. Even if Mathew was in the same room as you, you knew that he’d be able to calm you down and fill you with comfort.

Mathew releases you when you tell him you have to go inside your apartment; however, he wraps an arm around your waist ensuring that he always has an arm on you. You tell him you want to get changed, so you walk into your bedroom and change while Mathew does whatever in the kitchen. When you walk out of your bedroom, Mathew’s sitting on your couch with his arms open for you with a blanket and a mug of tea sitting on the coffee table. You grab the mug and settle into Mathew’s side. He wraps the blanket around your legs and wraps his arms around you. He holds you tightly, and you absorb his warmth. You sit there sipping your tea as Mathew holds you and comforts you.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Mathew asks thinking that you’re feeling a bit better. You shake your head. Suddenly, your bad day didn’t exist anymore. Just being in Mathew’s embrace and hold, your entire day drifted away. You set your empty mug on the coffee table and curl into Mathew’s chest. He turns on a sitcom rerun on TV, and you both watch along. You both watch the show ignoring the reality of your situation. Your head was resting on Mathew’s chest, and you could feel his heart beating quicker than an adult male of Mathew’s health and size. Not only that, your heart rate matched his closely.

At one point, Mathew leads you into your bedroom, and you both fell asleep there. Mathew held you as you slept and didn’t want to leave. Why would he want to leave when he had the best sleep of his life when he was in your bed, holding you, and right next to you? He never wanted to wake up because, in the morning, you would get out of the bed, and the comfort he sought from you would be gone.

Mathew knows that his embrace calms you down; he knows that when he holds you, you reach a feeling of tranquility that no one else is able to make you feel. You, however, don’t know the effect and comfort you bring him. When he holds and embraces you, not only is he comforting you, you’re comforting him. When the nerves and standards of being a hockey player begin to get to his head and get to him, Mathew can always count on holding you and feeling your warmth as comfort and solace. He’d do anything to have you by his side forever. When he holds you, do you notice his heart beating like crazy?

One night, you’re sitting in Mathew’s apartment after a particularly long week for the both of you. Work was hectic and driving you crazy, and the Isles came back from a road trip that didn’t go particularly well and in their favor. You were laying in Mathew’s bed beneath his blankets and nestles into Mathew’s arms. Your face was resting on Mathew’s chest as he strokes your arm softly. Whatever rerun was playing softly on the TV was long forgotten as you’re focusing on listening to Mathew’s heartbeat. It was faster than average; it’s not unnormal for it to sound beat this fast, but you were getting worried that Mathew might have a heart condition.

“Hey, Mathew?” you ask softly, and Mathew hums lowly, and you feel the vibration. “Why is your heart beating so fast? I’m kind of worried that it might be a sign of a heart or blood pressure problem.”

“It’s not a heart problem,” he mumbles. You’re not quite sure if you heard him properly, so you look up at him asking him to repeat himself. He repeats what he says but even less audible.

“Mathew, I couldn’t hear you.”

“It’s not a heart problem,” Mathew says.

“I’m not so sure, Mathew; I think you might need to go to the doctor.”

“No, I’m okay,” Mathew insists.

“Yeah, I don’t know.”

“It’s not a heart problem, Yn,” Mathew says and looks down at you. You meet his eyes, and you see a look of contemplation in his eyes. “It’s because of you.”

“Me?” you ask in confusion and crinkle your eyebrows. Why would you cause Mathew’s heart rate to be so fast? Did you scare him so much that he feared for his life?

“It’s not a bad thing, Yn, I promise,” Mathew is quick to say when he sees the confusion laced in your facial features. “Promise you won’t freak out on me?”

You sit up and face Mathew. In the process, you take yourself out of Mathew’s strong, comforting hold. “Maybe.”

Mathew takes a deep breath. “I guess that would work.”

You raise your eyebrows asking Mathew to continue silently.

“I’m in love with you, Yn. I don’t want to hold you and do this with you as just friends anymore. I want to come home to you and love you and kiss you and be with you in every way and more.”

“Oh,” you say softly. You break out into a wide smile. “I feel the same way, Mathew.”

“Really?” Mathew asks excitedly.

You nod.

“That’s amazing; I — can I kiss you?” Mathew asks nervously.

“Yeah,” you nod. You lean closer to him and gently place your lips on his. He cups your cheek and rubs his thumb on your cheek in a circular pattern. It was perfect, absolutely perfect. You found the comfort you always wanted with the one person you loved.

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[missmentelle]

How do I know if I'm being gaslit? What does that mean?

If you are experiencing “gaslighting”, it means that someone is intentionally trying to make you feel like you are irrational and insane. They will try to convince you that you can’t trust your own judgement, even about things that you experienced firsthand. The internet tends to use the term ‘gaslighting’ to describe any kind of lying or arguing, but it’s a lot more complicated than that - when you are being gaslit, it means someone is going out of their way to make you feel like you’re the crazy one who causes all the conflict in the relationship when in reality, it’s the other way around. A person who lies about liking your new haircut or starts an argument with you about whose turn it is to do the dishes is probably not gaslighting you - gaslighting is intentional, repeated, and specifically aimed at undermining your sanity and emotional stability. It is a pattern of abuse, and by definition, it can be very difficult to recognize and escape from. 

Examples of gaslighting include things like:

Insisting that things did not happen the way you remember them, even if you have proof. Maybe you and the abuser had an argument over WhatsApp yesterday, and they called you a slur. You definitely remember that this happened, because it was devastating for you, and you took screenshots in case they deleted the message. But when you confront the other person about what they said, they flat-out deny that it ever happened - in fact, they have no idea where this is coming from, and they feel insulted that you would accuse them of such a horrible thing. They didn’t do that. They’ve never done that. In fact, there was no argument. You made the whole thing up in your head. It doesn’t matter that you have screenshots - they don’t want to see them, because they know that you are totally misunderstanding what’s in them, just like you always do. When you’re being gaslit, the gaslighter doesn’t care about reality. They will flat-out deny what happened and create a new version of events that puts them in a better light, and they’ll insist that you are the one with the faulty memory for not remembering it that way. Even with evidence right in front of their faces, they’ll stick to their guns and say that you are completely inventing things. 

Constantly insisting that you overreact and blow things out of proportion. Maybe you saw a notification on your partner’s phone the other day, and you realize that they’ve been texting other people on a dating app. You are obviously very upset about the situation, and you aren’t sure if you even want to stay in the relationship. But instead of apologizing, your partner begins to get angry with you for how upset you are - they insist that you are blowing this completely out of proportion, that you’re being a huge drama queen, that you’re being manipulative and attention-seeking, and that it’s completely insane for you to be upset. Any time you are upset with the other person for genuinely hurting or harming you in some way, they flip everything around - all of a sudden, the conversation becomes focused on how unstable and dramatic you are, and the abuser’s wrongdoing is totally forgotten. The abuser paints a consistent picture of you as someone who freaks out over absolutely nothing and completely overreacts. 

Playing up your existing mental illness or insisting that you are mentally ill. Your abuser sees signs of mental illness in everything you do. If you have a history of mental illness, they’ll insist that it’s coming back - if you don’t have a history of mental illness, they’ll invent a new mental illness for you out of whole cloth. Did you get upset because your partner screamed at you? That’s not normal, you’re having huge mood swings and you’re definitely bipolar. Did you stick up for yourself when your partner was trying to control you? That’s definitely not normal, you’re acting just like this person they knew who had severe BPD. Whenever you are upset about the way you’re being treated or just refusing to be controlled, your abuser will play the mental illness card - suddenly, they are the hard-worn, loving caretaker and you are the very sick person who refuses to let them help you. Sometimes, when you are getting especially angry about your partner’s mistreatment, they may flip a switch and go from yelling at you to acting like your caretaker in an instant - they’ll start pleading with you to get help, offering to drive you to the hospital, and begging you to understand that you aren’t well and that they’re just so worried about you. The point, of course, is to completely undermine you as a person; they want you to believe that you are seriously mentally ill and incapable of understanding what’s real and what isn’t. 

Positioning themselves as the innocent “victim” in the relationship, even when they are the one mistreating you. To an outside observer, you are the one constantly being terrorized by someone who criticizes and controls you. But your gaslighter doesn’t want you to see it that way - according to them, they are the innocent victim who has to tiptoe around your constant unpredictable mood swings. They’ll claim that they try so hard to help you and avoid setting you off, but you’re just so unreasonable - they may even claim that you are the one abusing them. Any time you fight back, stand up for yourself or have a negative reaction to their abuse, they will find a way to frame things so that your response is the real issue, and not the abuse that provoked it. If they pinned you against a wall and you pushed them off you to get away, they will flip the narrative on you - they’ll swear up and down that they were just gently trying to keep you from hurting yourself when you violently attacked them. Somehow, every confrontation you have about your partner’s bad behaviour turns into you apologizing and feeling bad, even when you went into the conversation being pretty sure that you did nothing wrong. 

Intentionally turning friends and loved ones against you. A gaslighter will sometimes try to recruit your friends and family to “their” side, turning them against you. They will tell your loved ones all about your supposed mood swings, “mental health issues” and how difficult you are being, in an effort to win sympathy and destroy your credibility. The idea is that when you turn to your friends to say “my partner freaked out on me over something small last night”, they’ll respond with “mmmm, your partner already told us this story and they gave a very different version of what happened. It sounds like you’re leaving a lot out to make yourself sound better. Your partner says you’ve been acting weird lately, what’s going on with you?” It’s much easier to warp someone’s perception of reality if you can convince their friends and family to reinforce the fake reality that you’ve created. 

Dramatically misrepresenting your motives. A gaslighter will find ways to “prove” that you’re the kind of person they say you are, regardless of what you do. Even if you do something nice for them, they can find ways to twist things to suit their narrative. Did you buy them an expensive birthday present because you care about them? You’re clearly being manipulative and trying to bribe them somehow. Did you clean the whole house for them because you wanted them to be able to enjoy coming home to a clean living space? Nonsense, this was clearly you being passive-aggressive and trying to shame them for not being as clean as you. Your actions end up not mattering - no matter how hard you to try to prove that you aren’t the difficult, terrible person that your gaslighter says you are, they will always find ways to misrepresent your motives and lie about your intentions so they can turn your innocent behaviour into whatever they want it to be. 

Being gaslighted is an immensely stressful experience - it’s designed to make you feel crazy, and if you’re subjected to it for a long time, that’s exactly what will happen. It’s unbelievably stressful to be in a position where you feel like you cannot trust your own mind or make rational decisions. And when that stress inevitably starts to affect your mental health, that becomes further evidence that your abuser is correct and that you’re the crazy one. It can be extraordinarily difficult for a victim of long-term gaslighting to escape from their situation, because they genuinely start to believe that they are the problem in the relationship and that they’re lucky anyone will put up with them. 

If you suspect you are being gaslit, there are some things you can do to recognize the issue and break free from it:

Keep meticulous records. Write down the details of conversations and arguments as soon as they happen. Record fights with the audio recorder on your phone. Take and save screenshots of important conversations. Save voicemails. Keep a diary with dates and times of events. Nobody has perfect recall, but if your partner’s version of events consistently doesn’t match your hard evidence in a major way, that’s a pretty good sign that they are twisting the truth to suit their needs.

Talk to a neutral third party. Talk to someone outside the relationship that your partner doesn’t have access to - this could be a friend, a coworker, a neighbour, anyone that you feel you can trust. Turn to an internet group or forum if you have to. Show them the evidence you’ve collected or talk to them about what’s happening, and get a neutral perspective. People who have not been exposed to your gaslighter’s charms will be able to tell you pretty quickly that your situation is not normal. 

Think about your past relationships. Have any of your past relationships followed the same patterns as your current one? Has anyone in your past made similar complaints about you? If your last relationship didn’t have these kinds of issues, there’s a good chance that the new person in your life is the problem - not you.

Trust your gut. If you get the sense that something isn’t quite right, don’t ignore those feelings. Remember, you don’t actually have to be certain that you’re being gaslighted to justify leaving the relationship - if your relationship frequently causes you stress and anxiety or makes you feel like you can’t be yourself, something is seriously wrong and it may be time to go.

It’s also a good idea to talk to a mental health professional or a domestic abuse expert if you suspect you are being gaslighted - they are experts at helping your recognize it and come up with strategies to have healthier relationships in the future.

Hope this answers your question!

MM