#my coworker has crazy health problems

[astarlightmonbebe]

the fact that almost every single close female person in my life has has dealt with (chronic) health conditions that impacted or are impacting their daily lives...

[millennialsarecoolkidz]

I'm sorry I've lost an ask and it was my first one 😳 so Anon if you recognize yourself you can send it again or comment? :/ basically that ask was about how Shondaland had pushed the pr too far and how you can see Nicola and Luke backtracking at the end of the wt.

First I wanna say that I totally agree with you about the backtracking at the end of the world tour. Nicola has addressed it a few times and you can see Luke's body language changing at the London stop. They can't help themselves so there are still a few WTF moments (you can ask Golda) but the vibes were different.

It's my first fandom and it's the first time I'm so invested in the love life of two celebrities (and please let it be my one and only, I can't handle more self awareness about my weirdness). So I've asked a few times to more experienced fans if that kind of pr is usual but I've never gotten a proper answer so if someone has an opinion or factual information let me know!

So what I'm gonna say is really just a barely informed opinion. The only time I've read criticism about shondaland being a toxic employer is when Ruby Barker has spoken about her experience. I won't talk too much about it, as speculating about someone's mental health doesn't feel right to me. But what I've felt about this story and about what I've witnessed is that Shondaland tries to not be toxic in itself, to provide a safe environment when they are shooting but they don't care about the outcomes when it's over. It's really just a guessing and a feeling.

Now about the wt and how the shipping has been fueled, I'm also really confused. I'm an assumed Lukola so I think that the bond and attraction between them are real, that's my biggest bias in what I'm gonna say. I think they have faced a lot of criticism before the wt, especially a lot of body shaming, and also at the time a lot of Bridgerton's fans, not the Polin ones oc, were pointing at their lack of chemistry (yes it sounds crazy now but you had to be there). So I can understand why they wanted to play into their unsettling chemistry at the beginning and showcase it and rub it in our faces. But between the valentine's day event, the live (on that giant and barely used couch) and the Australian stop, they had time to adjust their pr, as the reactions were already unhinged... they didn't. The only ones who tried to calm it down a bit were Luke and Nicola and it was at the end of the promo tour. Luke ended up to acknowledge a little Antonia, Nicola has said a few times that things were quoted out of context (or that the hair touch meant nothing and she was always doing it to everybody, yeah girl the problem is that his hair was fine and that it turned him into a purring kitten).

From Nicola and Luke's perspectives, I'm a Lukola so I think that they've hidden behind PR and polin to allow themselves to act as they would have wanted to act in their "real life" (yes call me delulu, I know what I've seen ;) ). If I'm really honest I'm not even sure they didn't behave that way of cam too and that it's the public reaction that made them aware of their behavior. I also think that when the shipping became unhinged, it was a little too late. First they seem to be people pleasers so I think they didn't want to disappoint the fans and oc they wanted to sell the show. Second, the Sweeney/Powell backlash had just happened and they probably didn't want to be perceived as dishonest. Especially as they were selling a narrative about themselves as being nice authentic people, as a gentleman and a sweet woman. And, again it's my Lukola heart that is speaking, I think they were a little confused about their relationship/feelings and I think they didn't have the envy to shut down the shipping.

Now from Shondaland, coworkers, teams, interviewers' perspectives, it's obvious that Lukola gives positive engagement. But sometimes it feels like an overkill. I mean look at the first release in the advent calendar, that cute video was enough, why liking and interacting with Lukola's comment? Why do some people from their team interact with Lukola content? They could stick to Polin, right? Plus I understand why they were doing it around the release but now? I guess it's to keep the engagement until they have benophie content. But I don't know it feels so weird that the public pages of Netflix and Shondaland imply that there is something between them or that they are shippers too. Don't take it the wrong way, I don't think they're implying that Nicola and Luke are in a relationship, but they're clearly implying that the feelings and the attraction are real. Of course my delulu would like that it is because they really think that but I think it's more about the engagement than about the truth. But I don't know, it's still really tasteless I think as we know that it leads to a lot of toxicity toward Nicola, Luke and their "loved ones". Honestly I thought that they would have let it dry quietly, that they would just have used the same content, letting shippers calm down by themselves as you can't say indefinitely how they stare at each other is crazy and how something happened in Brazil. But it seems like they want to release new content (they have hinted at bloopers and maybe BTS) and they keep interacting with Lukola's comments so I don't know anymore what their strategy is. Even Nicola and Luke keep fueling the shipping, obviously not as much as before, but it's still a part of their sm activity. Of course, again, the Lukola's content gives engagement but I don't know if the Lukolas are still so important. I know, we love to point out that part 1 of Nicola's dump has been liked a lot more than part 2, but let's be honest the first reel is probably the biggest part of the buzz. I think Polin content and Lukola content, but without implying anything, would do the job. Even if there were a difference, I feel like it wouldn't be a lot and that it would be a fair price for less toxicity on their sm.

So for now my guess is that Shondaland and other content creators are still acting this way because they're going to use polin and Lukola to boost s4 promo and because Nicola and Luke are ok with it (as they couldn't wait for intimacy scene in S4 when they were building that table, they can't wait to be sent to sell their chemistry and be allowed to pinch their butt in public again). Or it's a long term strategy and they will calm it down slowly because the fandom becomes more toxic when you don't provide positive content.

What do you think?

[accirax]

initial thoughts on DCAS episode 18

it means that you have to vow to love and cherish him in sickness and in health, for better or for wo--

...? like, i know that some of Riya's 9 wins are definitely due to the Yellow Team, but especially when combined with Riya's tendencies to sabotage and cheat her way through the game, i truly fail to see how Ally could possibly be considered the bigger threat. Jake when he's lying.

was anybody else really confused by them using the wrong rig in this scene? the hair tie already fell off AND Riya picked it up, there's no way it should still be on Connor's ankle.

i'm glad to see that Ally and Connor can still have fun together despite it all :)

see, and then this plan ALSO doesn't make sense because (if the animation rig was correct) Ally and Connor should have assumed that the hair tie found on the ground was the same one that fell off of Connor's ankle, meaning the Jake and Riya had equal opportunity to destroy the challenge. and in that case it DEFINITELY would have been Riya!!!

Derek and Trevor have been camping together before? that's not typically something you do with just a coworker. how long have these two actually known each other?

this line KILLED ME when i first watched it in the episode. "i need to take a break to spend time with the ones that matter, which definitively doesn't include you, pseudo-boyfriend. :) mind if i abandon you here while i hang out with people i like better than you? which includes a haunted marionette?"

genius reason to explain why Ally has Ashley, actually.

the fuck else was she supposed to do at this dead end

LET'S GO YAU MAN LOGIC!!! this has to be a reference to Survivor, right? although, my sister said that Yau Man advised people to hug the right wall.

I THOUGHT YOU GOT OVER THIS!!!!!!

this was really fun, actually :)

okay, so, uh... i didn't like this turn of events, obviously. i understand what they were going for: they wanted to re-raise the tension between Jake and Ally before the finale, both so that it's more up in the air of whether they can come together to defeat Riya, and to up the personal stakes if the finale does end in a 1-v-1 Jake vs Ally showdown. however, they shouldn't have done that by making Jake's character suddenly regress this hard out of nowhere.

i've enjoyed how Jake's character development has been taking a "two steps forward, one step back approach," because it feels more realistic than Jake only ever becoming a better person and never making any mistakes after he realized that he had a problem. however, this close to the end of the show, the viewers need to feel like the time that they've invested in watching Jake grow actually means something. if we think he's finally about to take one step forward to cross the finish line and instead he suddenly starts running backwards towards the start, we're going to start to question why we were ever rooting for him to win in the first place.

i know that part of the issue here is that i'm not taking into account that Jake may have preferred for Riya to win immunity over Ally, but as i explained beforehand, that decision doesn't make any sense. it especially doesn't make sense when the last thing we JUST saw with Jake was questioning if Connor would even want to keep Jake in the game over Ally. sure, you might prefer it if Riya wins and then you vote out Ally, but if you're insecure enough to believe that Connor might instead send the votes your way, it's smarter to play it safe and all vote for the easy target. Connor would obviously vote for Riya, and Jake could as well, meaning that in that situation Jake gets thrown into a tiebreaker at worst.

therefore, that means that this decision was a purely emotional one as opposed to a strategic one (as they tried to brand it), meaning that it feels like Jake has learned nothing despite copious amounts of time spent teaching him things. i don't think this was a good writing decision at all.

this was crazy actually. shouldn't she go to jail for this? either way, ConRiya is so over.

just want to reiterate that i don't have a conceptual problem with Jake regressing at all, i just don't think that he should have done it that hard or for seemingly no reason.

WAIT YEAH SHE'S OUTRIGHT SAYING IT HERSELF! how the hell is Ally a bigger threat than Riya?!

this is really interesting staging. despite being the one threatening Connor, Riya is smaller and lower in the frame. that makes the viewer subconsciously think that she has less power, which is kind of true, given that her villainous attitude has destroyed all of the lasting relationships she could have had. i wonder if it was intentional or not.

dude didn't you see the lie detector helmet challenge?

what happened... to you being worried that Connor would take Ally instead of you... and feeling remorse after being rude to Connor... and overall being insecure and anxious.......

alright, so despite my earlier complaining, i actually really like the decision to have Connor quite here. because, it's true, he couldn't win after his foot got broken! Connor's overall character arc has been accepting that he's aged and he can't always keep up with the young folks, so entrusting Riya's defeat to the younger generation is fitting. there are also some mirrors to how he felt that, with his business, a lot of power was handed to him that he didn't deserve, so now in the game he's taking that sentiment and stepping down from the blessed role of easily being taken to the final 3. speaking of parallels, there's also obviously the parallel between Connor quitting the game to save Riya in season 2, and now quitting the game in an attempt to ensure Riya's loss in season 3. that part is really fun!

i was really not enjoying this episode at the time that Riya won immunity, but with this ending, i'm a lot more positive/neutral on it overall. i think that the ending they wound up at is an ending well worth telling, but in many cases, the sacrifices they made along the way to get to this ending weren't necessarily worth it.

this screencap is pretty hype, ngl. also, as @venus-is-thinking again pointed out, it is true that this season started with 18 contestants, 6 of which were former finalists. thus, mathematically, it makes sense that 1/3 finalists before would be finalists again. i still overall wish that Riya wasn't a repeat finalist, but hopefully Riya's ~amazing~ performance in the finale will cause me to take back my words. not amazing winner, mind you. just amazing in terms of entertainment and payoff.

Derek has just been, like, a really cool dude for the latter half of this season. no wonder he has the moves to pick up Kristal and Trevor.

add another tally to the kiss jumpscare tally, boys!

this was very sweet, and also an indicator that krisrek is TOTALLY dead as a (canon) ship. to be honest, i wonder if they're supposed to have essentially broken up already, what with Kristal's exclusion of Derek as someone who matters. that would be a great instance of subtle storytelling.

[raisinchallah]

you know crazy how much my mental healths improved since i quit my job and also i think ive gotten like a bit more confident in myself no longer feeling as afraid to simply speak to people it was crazy how much my coworkers just like completely ignoring me and acting like i was barely there or a complete human being kinda fucked with my head like i was having anxiety over the idea that saying a word to a human being i didnt know was like intruding and a problem and like literally felt shame for simply existing anywhere not that im not still crazy but like this extremity has definitely lessened a lot

[bonnibellexox]

A casual summary of my book:

So I’m gonna drop the “In A World...” tone and just explain the vibe of my book series, Status Quo. Im crazy and refuse to scientifically inaccurate so appreciate the research this bad boy took.

Our story follows a young biologist named Phylum as he ventures out of his underground bunker/facility a few hundred hears after an apocolyptic event mutated every living thing on earth.

The substance, a water soluable crystal called Catalyst, allows animals and plants to evolve on an individual level, adapting to their environment by producing new cells as needed to create new limbs, wings, gills, size changes and even longer lifespans.

When he is ditched by his coworkers, he ends up being saved by a surface girl named Canopy. On top of the fact she isnt supposed to exist, she surprises him by being smart, friendly and empathetic, going so far as to help him research Catalyst and its effects. As they get closer, her point of view opens his eyes to many of his own vices and even offers warmth he never thought he needed.

Romance ensues.

As he gets to know her and the surface, returning home at the end of each expedition, he becomes more and more aware of the problems with his society. Long ago, the facility was divided into classes based on intelligence and genetic health to manage a lack of genetic diversity. Its revealed that Phylum is part of the ruling class and, until now, had never considered that the system was unfair. But when he meets an audatious, blind little girl with no access to education due to her genetic conditions, he decides to tutor her, figuring she should be an exception to the otherwise balanced rules.

Anyway, romance, tragedy, dystopia, an autistic boy who is bad at telling what emotions he has, and an AuDHD girl who has no personal space, lossing the will to go on, gifted kid burn out, gay girls who ruin your life, privilege, cool magical animals, cat girl go prrrrrrrr. (Tumblr will eat this shit up)

I made a point to not have a boring white boy as a main character, so instead its a boring mixed boy. Dont worry he gets cooler. I have a crush on him AND Canopy already so expect much smut and hot behavior from these autistic mfs.

[justrandomfandomstm]

I have been noticing somethigng for a while and I need people to tell me its something that they have noticed too.

So, Im disabled. Physically and mentally. And this has made me grow up exceptionally fast in the maturing sense. And now that im technically an adult I notice more and more how people are just... not

Like at work people come to ME for info about all things metaphorical, some serious topics like mental health, their own problems and things that usually are reserved for older people. And I don't mind it, I love giving people info and stuff, I love helping them discover themselves and help them in ways I wish someone would have helped me. But it's... strange.

The thing is I'm barely even an adult still, and still feel like a child in so many ways, but I still always seem to be on the outside with them. Since I've been forced to grow up, everyone is going through revelations at 26 I went through at 16.

And its VERY weird to be one of the most mature person there and still be so technically young. Everyone thought I was at least 20 something, not 18. And I don't feel 18. I have never felt my age. I use it as the control of how much dosage of medication I should take, not as my age. And it's not a new thing, I have NEVER felt my age in any way. And it's getting worse.

I graduated and went to college at 17, finished my first uni year at 18 and dropped out. Same year and I'm working to move far away, a place to settle down. I've worked more than some of my coworkers. I'm the little child prodigy that makes them feel useless but I'm NOT. I STILL FEEL LIKE A DISSAPOINTMENT. I FEEL LIKE A 30 Y/O DISSAPOINTMENT. I DONT KNOW WHY

People look at me like I'm crazy or an 'old soul'. I've been called that MY WHOLE LIFE. I don't understand what it means, I don't get stupid youthful foolishness, I dont GET it because I dont feel young or foolish. And its exhausting to feel this way, so out of the world around me, always feeling so out of depth or swimming with toddlers, no in between.

That's why I have struggled with age and time all my life. I can never guess someone's age, I dont remember a single thing about my childgood and I can't name the ages I was at those times. Hell, I still say I'm 17, sometimes 20, or even 16. I dont feel the passage of time, I dont know what age I was when I started school, I dont know the age I broke my bones, started feeling chronic pain, started to grow up, started forgetting all those years.

But I cant SAY ANY OF THIS

BECAUSE PEOPLE TAKE IT SEXUALLY

LIKE 'im mature for my age' is now used for pedophilia and harrasment. But I AM. I AM AND I HATE IT. I AM AND I AM BURDENED TO LIVE LIFE WITHOUT SOME TYPE OF SPIRIT, LOOKING AT THE WORLD AS SOMETHING TO SOLVE AND NOT LIVE. SEEING IT AS BROKEN AS IT IS.

Maybe its because the world is burning down, being part of gen z and growing up in a burning world. And some people my age DO act like I do, but they are usually autistic or disabled and I just... want to know? idk, this was more of a rant. Im just so tired. Ha,

[confessions-official]

I did a thing and it worked. At least I think it did. I (32) was not supposed to live very long. My mom’s side has always been pretty long lived but develops severe age related health problems in their early 20s. My dad’s side is like a bunch of mayflies - we age quickly and don’t live much longer than 40-something, 50 if we’re lucky.

I lost most of my 20s to severe health problems. Issues with malnutrition, sudden weight loss, and chronic respiratory problems. At 25 I met a guy who claimed to have made a pact with a demon (won’t say which) for eternal youth. I thought it was totally bogus but the guy was nearly 30 and looked 18.

I wanted to live longer and not have my body fall apart before I even graduated college. You have no idea how sickly I was in my mid 20s, I was fighting death every day. So in spring 2018 I made a deal. I wet out into the woods with my supplies. I left offerings, I drew the sigil as perfectly as I could, etc.

I didn’t think it worked because I didn’t see anything, although the woods did grow dead silent for a couple of minutes and my offerings (I left jewelry and certain types of stones he was said to like) were gone the next day. I thought some hiker picked them up but you never know

And now I’m thinking it worked, maybe a little too well. I’m 32. My coworkers all seem to think I’m between the ages of 23-25. Guess how old I was when I made the deal? 25.

It could be mere coincidence but other stuff happened too. I was involved in a hit and run and even though I got hit pretty hard I got up and walked away totally unscathed except for a bruise on my arm. My abusive ex also beat me as revenge and with the injuries I had I should have died but not only did I survive, I healed fully. I should have scars or lasting disfigurement but no. Good as new with no lasting internal or external damage.

Also my health improved drastically since then as has my chronic pain. I know I sound crazy but I’m starting to think there’s things out there we don’t fully understand. In any case, if it worked, I’m extraordinarily grateful to the being who made the deal with me.

 

[leighdoesitall]

12/23

It's not easy for me to stick with things. It's not easy for me to do most things. Sometimes, the most basic parts of life seem harder for me to do than that hardest parts of other people's lives. The interesting thing, though, is that when something really big and crazy happens--I'm cool as a cucumber.

My old therapist told me this is a part of CPTSD. Take a combat veteran. They are put in horrifying situations over and over for a good chunk of their early years. When you take them out of it and expect them to go back into civilian life, it's just not going to mesh easily.

I experienced a lot of things from early childhood that no child should have to experience. I know it. I know this well at this point. although it is still hard to admit. My parents drilled it into my head that others have it worse, so I shouldn't linger on the bad in my life.

of course they'd say that. most of my problems stemmed from them being actual insane people.

What a surprise though. I am now also an insane person. Spinning wheel and all that.

It's okay, though. Because you know what I have? A loving husband, 3 cool cats, and the best dog in the universe.

Sunshine, Aldi, DD, Beans

They're amazing.

My life is amazing.

I have a job that I love. I never thought that would be possible. I love my coworkers. I love my life. I do love my life.

Right now, I have decided to write because I'm having a T H I N G. I don't know what's going on. I think it's because of my health anxiety. Since Thursday, I've had a cold. I know it sounds stupid but I rarely get sick so even if it's a small thing, my health anxiety kicks in and just doesn't let up.

The other thing, i wonder, is if it's outstanding effects from going off medications. I went most of my life without medication. Sometimes I wonder if life was better before I went to therapy.

I really don't think so though. Because I was still having depressive episodes. Still having spacing out for long stretches of time after encountering a trigger.

Right now, the problem is my head is really fuzzy. Like completely disconnected from reality. I think I'm experiencing anxiety but I also feel like I'm feeling nothing and I'm confused and my brains are just mush basically. This is not fun. This is not fun at all. I don't like to drink. I don't like smoking weed. Christ I didn't even like the buzz that came from nicotine. I still don't know why I started smoking.

CBT would have me tell myself that yes...my head is very fuzzy to the point that I'm not sure what is happening. BUT I'm writing very clearly right now. I was just playing Skyrim up until about ten minutes ago. This is just a bad day. Bad days happen. I'm sick. I have a head cold. What happens when people get head colds? Surprise Surprise--their heads get a little foggy.

Bad things have happened to me. More good things have happened than bad, though, and I'm very lucky to get to have the amazing things I have in my life. But that's not just it. This didn't 'just happen'. I made this happen. I love my husband. I love my pets. I love my apartment. I love my job. I love all the things in our home. I love my sister. I love my best friend. I love all my internet friends. I fucking love ATEEZ. And I love myself.

I love myself because I care about others. I want to help others. I'm deeply empathetic. I like making other people laugh, and I love laughing. Horror is my favorite genre. I think it has something to do with the CPTSD tbh. Pretty sure it's a way to control the horror. I can just turn it off, if I really want to.

This week is going to be great. It's Christmas after all. This time of year is always hard for me, but that's okay. I'm going to enjoy it with my husband and pets that I love so much. I'll see my best friend who I love more than the world. I'll meet with a few of my online friends. I'll see my husband's family who I love and am thankful for. I'll tell my sister I love her.

Once Im breathing a little better, I'll start going to the gym upstairs. Nothing crazy. Bike, weights, yada yada. I'm gonna do it.

People pay good fucking money to feel as fucking high as I do when I spin out like this. I should ride the wave. It's not a bad thing. My brain does this when it needs a minute.

It really needs a minute.

In the past year I've gone through a shit ton of medications and sold my house and got my first apartment and got a new job and got a promotion and my husband was having a very hard time.

Everything is crazy.

It's okay to need to go a bit fuzzy sometimes.

Last week, I was so happy it almost hurt my face from how much I was smiling.

I think I'll feel that way next week too.

Thank you, Leigh. You're amazing. I love you. You work hard. You're smart and funny and fucking weird and I really really really love you and I'm so happy I get to be me, even if it hurts sometimes. So thank you. I'm excited to be back with the part of me that can see the sun past the clouds.

[jaitropdonglets]

Connecting with the Autistic Adults in Your Life

Tips for educators, therapists, friends, and loved ones

Devon Price

·

Following

Published in

Age of Awareness

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13 min read

·

Jan 7, 2020

1.3K

I’m an adult Autistic person, and I love being Autistic.

Autism has brought a lot of wonderful things into my life. It’s given me the focus and intensity required to become a prolific writer. It’s helped me develop an analytic, critical perspective that can cut through the bullshit of bureaucracy, meaningless social rules, outdated gender norms, and so much more. And Autism has taught me to be strong in the face of judgement and ostracism, allowing me to stand up for what is right and provide a warm embrace to other people who have been excluded for being strange, inappropriate, not enough, “wrong”.

But for all its gifts, Autism also has its share of challenges. Actually, scratch that. It’s not Autism that’s the problem. It’s how other people respond to Autism.

Mainstream, neurotypical society creates loud, bright, unpredictable spaces, then expects Autistic people to navigate them seamlessly, without a wince or a complaint. When an Autistic person struggles, they are typically blamed for being oversensitive, or non-compliant, or simply for not trying enough. Without ever meaning to, allistic (non-Autistic) people lay out numerous Autism-unfriendly expectations for how other people think and act, and routinely express themselves in ways that Autistic people find confounding.

When we aren’t subjected to allistic expectations and norms, many Autistic folks get along just fine. Being Autistic, by itself, can be pretty easy. It’s being Autistic around neurotypical people that is hard.

A couple of days ago, an allistic therapist tweeted at me, asking how she could better serve her Autistic patients. I was so glad she knew to ask. Most mental health providers aren’t taught much about what Autism looks like in adults. Adult educators usually don’t know a thing about the topic. Neither do the friends and loved ones of Autistic adults. There’s a lot of very general information about childhood Autism to be found online, mostly stereotypical stuff best suited for cisgender boys with “masculine” interests, but if you love an Autistic person who differs from that mold, particularly an adult, you’re probably kind of lost.

So, how do you support the Autistic adults around you? How can you make the world a more accessible place for us? How can you be a more accommodating coworker, therapist, lover, or friend? Here are a few tips, inspired by a blend of my own experience, the (limited) research that is available, and countless conversations with my Autistic peers:

Communicate Directly — Even When It’s Uncomfortable

I often find that non-autistic people communicate in indirect, symbolic ways. They often care more about conveying a general feeling than they do expressing the literal truth. A lot of their messaging occurs on a non-verbal or social level, and when you’re Autistic, it’s easy to miss entirely.

Many non-Autistics seem to be especially uncomfortable with negativity. Saying “no” to an idea, telling a person they’ve got the facts wrong, passing judgement on an unethical act — these are really difficult for allistics to express. Instead, they’ll approach the truth from an angle. They’ll use sarcasm, veiled compliments, and small talk to make a point rather than stating it outright. It confuses Autistic people a lot, and makes us feel crazy.

For example, I’ve noticed that when an allistic person doesn’t want to do something, they will often point out an irrelevant flaw with the suggestion instead of just saying “sorry, I’m not interested in that activity”. Or they’ll say “maybe” when they actually mean “no”. They’ll broadcast countless nonverbal messages that mean anything from “please come over here” to “stop doing that” to “please leave me alone to talk with this person”, and then get frustrated when Autistic people can’t read them.

There’s also a frustrating lack of consistency in what an allistic person’s veiled message even is. Sometimes, an allistic person will vent or complain about a stressful situation as a way of indirectly asking for help in handling it. Other times, they’ll vent and complain because they want a supportive ear — and will be offended if somebody tries to offer them advice. It’s very hard to tell the difference.

Many Autistic people have a hard time detecting sarcasm, and we usually believe people mean exactly what they say. So if you want to express yourself to one of us, don’t dodge the issue. Just say it outright.

“I can’t do that”“Please give me some space”, “I don’t understand what you mean, can you explain it again?”, “I’m tired of talking about this”, and “I would love to do that” are all great examples of clear, direct communication. Just say what you mean. It’s that simple!

Of course, I recognize that for many allistic people, being straightforward isn’t actually simple at all. You’ve been taught all your life to temper rejection with praise, to hide disagreement behind agreeable language. But when you’re communicating with Autistic folks, you’ve got to throw that playbook — and your fears of being “negative” — out the window. As a general rule, we don’t get offended when people tell us “no”.

In fact, clear boundaries and honest rejections can help us feel safe. Most of the time we have to guess frantically at what allistic people mean, so it’s a relief when one just lays out how they’re actually feeling. Also, try not to be offended when we are similarly direct or blunt with you. We’re not trying to be hurtful or barbed. We’re just trying to express our feelings in a way that won’t be misconstrued.

Manage Expectations

Autistic folks expect people’s actions to be predictable and logical. To most of us, numbers have specific meanings, life has a structure, and things happen for a reason. When allistic people operate in vaguer, more intuitive terms, it can really throw us for a loop.

Here’s a really simple example. If my partner says he’s going to be ready to leave the house in five minutes, I assume he’ll be out the door in exactly five minutes. But often, “in five minutes” means something way more amorphous and vague to him than that. It’s more about a feeling of readiness than it is about something quantifiable. I know this about him — we’ve been together nine years — yet my brain short-circuits with confusion every single time it happens.

Similarly, when an allistic coworker tells me they’ll have a draft ready “by tomorrow”, I assume they have an accurate gauge on how long a task will take, and have set aside that amount of time to get it done. This almost never actually happens. I have found that for most allistic people, “tomorrow” is more aspirational than it is literal. When someone says “this will be done tomorrow” what they often mean is something like, “I’m gonna start working on it sometime this week”.

No human being is completely rational; even Autistic folks aren’t robots. But when we’re surrounded by allistic people who communicate in vague, emotion-based ways, we often end up feeling like confused robots who haven’t been properly programmed to interpret human speech. We thrive on consistency and feel most at ease when we know what to expect, so the more accurate you can be with us, the better.

Not sure how long an activity will take to complete? Give an estimate that allows room for error and setbacks. Want to cancel plans? Just say that you need to cancel, instead of using wishy-washy language about how you “might not be up for it”. Have to deviate from the pre-determined schedule? Let the Autistic person know as soon as you can, so we can prepare for it. Don’t try to soften the blow with euphemistic language — we might miss the message or be confused about why a change is happening.

Be Willing to Go Deep

I will never understand why someone would choose to only love something in half measures. It’s tragic to me that some people never get to throw themselves into the depths of passion for fear of seeming “weird”. Loving something intensely is a wonderful escape from the stressors of everyday life. It’s a transcendent experience. It helps us develop new skills and knowledge bases, and connects us with other people who share that capacity for depth.

Of course, allistic people are completely capable of going just as deep as Autistic people are. You can decide at any time to abandon your fears of seeming “cringey”, and take the plunge right along with us. You might find you like how it feels to lose yourself to obsession every once in a while.

Want to dive in? It’s really easy. Just ask an Autistic person about a topic that interests them, and really listen, with a genuine ear. Often, allistic people will do this frustrating thing where they’ll bring up an exciting, complex topic, but then quickly lose interest the second an Autistic person really tries to engage with the topic’s depth. It’s not a crime to prefer small talk, but most Autistics want to get more philosophical or analytical than that. Try coming along for the ride. You might learn something!

Autistic people love to share information about the topics that excite us. The process is called “info-dumping”, but it’s really an expression of affection and passion. You don’t have to sit and listen to one of us prattle on about Pokemon forever if you don’t want to, but if you can find common ground with one of us, there’s a lot of potential for connection and creativity.

Passionate Autistic people are the lifeblood of every nerd community, online database, and digital subculture. We pour a ton of energy into these social groups, and help make them into eccentric, comfortable spaces where everyone is welcome. Don’t be afraid to join them and geek out with us — nobody is going to judge you. It’s cool to be earnest. It’s fun to care about things! And the more time you spend with Autistic people, the less self-conscious you’ll feel about whatever freaky or niche interests you might have lurking inside you.

Don’t Expect Our Emotions to Look Like Yours

A few months ago, a lot of well-meaning feminist writers wrote pieces celebrating the fact that climate activist Greta Thunberg doesn’t smile very often. In a world where women are expected to be easygoing and pleasant to look at, it seemed revolutionary for a teenager girl to move through the world with a flat, serious face. Shockingly, most of these essays said little about the fact that Thunberg is an out, proud Autistic young woman.

You cannot separate Thunberg’s steely confidence from her Autism, and you can’t discuss the criticism she faces without acknowledging the ableism at the core of it. Thunberg isn’t just criticized for frowning because she is a young woman. It’s also because her way of emoting and expressing herself is deeply, proudly Autistic, and most people are still very uncomfortable with that.

Autistic emotions are different. We are often “flat-affected” and seem far less expressive and outgoing than our non-Autistic peers. This can leave people with the impression that we have no feelings or internal lives at all. Our neutral, resting expressions can read as angry, blank, or depressed to allistic people. We often get told to “smile!”, or get criticized for seeming unfriendly, but faking the cheerful bubbliness that allistic people desire from us can be downright exhausting.

Expressing emotions as an Autistic person is a total double-bind. If we try to look calm and behave “normally”, people think we are emotionless automatons. Yet if we express ourselves in the loud, physical, abnormal ways that feel authentic, people think that we’re freaks. Whichever route we choose, we end up being corrected and reprimanded constantly. By the time we’re adults, most of us have been told thousands of times that our emotions are totally inappropriate, so we’ve learned to don an impassive, phony mask instead.

“Masking” Autism is exhausting. A lot of research has shown that the better an Autistic person is at feigning a neurotypical personality, the greater a toll it takes on our mental health. So if you want to be a true and committed ally to the Austitic folks around you, you’ve got to get comfortable with our unique ways of expressing emotion.

If you love an Autistic person, don’t try to guess what they are feeling. Don’t assume that just because their face is flat and serious-seeming that they are angry, or sad, or depressed. Don’t ask us constantly if we are “doing okay” or if “something is wrong” — it can feel like a reprimand to put our mask back on. Don’t tell the Autistic people in your life that their happy flapping or sorrowful bawling is “too much”. Read up on Autistic meltdowns, and come to understand how emotional overloads feel.

Most of all, don’t pressure Autistic people to feign a neurotypical personality. One of the most damaging things you can do to one of us is to judge and stifle our authentic, healthy communication.

Relax the Social Rules

Most social norms are completely arbitrary and have no logical explanation. This confounds the hell out of most Autistic people. Why does wearing a piece of elaborately knotted fabric around your throat signify that you are a professional? Why are some complicated hairstyles considered fancy, yet other, equally elaborate hairstyles are considered workplace-inappropriate? Why do we routinely ask people how they are doing, yet never expect a negative reply?

At best, these pointless rules are an annoyance that neurotypical people learn to ignore. At worst, they are a means of exclusion, making public life inaccessible for anyone who is marginalized. Rules about what counts as ‘professional’ conduct and attire are often racist, sexist, transphobic, and ableist to a massive degree.

One of the greatest gifts of Autism is a keen ability to see through all this arbitrary prejudice. Many of us find it nigh impossible to follow rules that make no sense or are damaging. If a piece of useless fabric is physically uncomfortable, we’re not gonna wear it. If a gender norm is reductive, we’re not going to follow it. If there’s an injustice staring us in the face, we’re going to want to confront it, even if the allistic people around us view doing so as ‘impolite’.

In mainstream, neurotypical society, this amazing gift is instead perceived as a curse. Sitting comfortably and wearing cozy clothing is seen as sloppy or immature. Honesty and authenticity gets us labeled rude. If we don’t provide the socially expected amount of eye contact, people think we’re liars, or even joke that we seem dangerous and scary. We end up being ostracized despite having done no harm at all.

If you want to help Autistic people thrive, you’ve got to loosen the rules. In professional settings, really consider which expectations are important, and which are arbitrary signifiers of status or ability. Does having a dress code impact how business is done in any measurable way? If people are permitted to a little strange, is there any harm done? Do you need every employee to be a talented conversationalist, or is there room in your world for people who are shy, with stuttering voices or gazes that never leave the floor?

Outside of work and school, consider how social norms influence your social perceptions. Are you creeped out when you see a guy rocking in place on the bus? If someone takes a few seconds longer than normal to answer a question, do you respect them less? Do you think it’s wrong or inappropriate for an adult to sleep with a stuffed animal? Do you only choose friends who dress, talk, emote, think, and live as you do? Why?

Don’t be afraid to surround yourself with people who make you feel a little awkward sometimes. And don’t hesitate to stand up for those among us who come across as unusual, eccentric, or harmlessly awkward. People who behave and think in non-normative ways can challenge you and help you to grow. And being around a variety of types of people can free you to be more authentically, bizarrely yourself, too.

…

Being Autistic in a neurotypical society means constantly violating the rules of a game that no one taught you how to play, and which you never consented to being a part of. You’re constantly being told, in indirect ways, that your actions, mannerisms, and words are unacceptable. People seem to be constantly misleading you, and yet find your attempts at clearing things up to be rude or suspect. When you do finally figure out the rules of the game, you discover that they are incredibly taxing and emotionally depleting for you to follow. It can be despair-inducing, and deeply isolating.

This can all change in an instant, however, when an allistic person makes the choice to meet us halfway. When people are honest and straightforward with us, we are able to form safe, healthy relationships with strong lines of communication. When we are celebrated for our weirdness, we get to challenge the status quo in important, far-reaching ways. And when we are allowed to express ourselves without fear of reprisal, we get to share our deep capacity for joy with a world that desperately needs it.

Autistic people do not need to be cured — we need to be accommodated.Thankfully, if you’re an allistic ally, accommodation can be easy. Just relax your adherence to social norms, get comfortable with a bit of strangeness, and tell us how you’re feeling. We want to get to know you. We have been reaching out and making overtures all our lives. Make an effort to know us, too.

[changedlives]

Crazy Praise

Re May 1 bible study….

Whewwwww!!!!! I went to sleep in the middle of this last night which was the first full night of sleep I’ve had in the last week-even my dog slept all night which has been an issue for a few weeks 🙌🏽. I restarted the message this morning while getting ready for work, continued the message while driving to work, and finished up the last half hour while at work. This was such a great message and in the mist of you saying that he will tell us what we need to do …literally seconds before it came out of your mouth I heard God speak to me and you immediately confirmed it before I could even question if it was Him or not. 🙌🏽 Thank you!

The woman with the blood issue made me break down at my desk…I had been living with pain in my back from a car accident since 2019 and it’s just gotten worse over the years. I’ve seen multiple doctors/physical therapists/ chiropractors…had a ton of radiology to see what the problem is-not ONE test came back with any abnormality despite the fact that I couldn’t sit up straight and was always in severe pain. I was on multiple medications that gave no relief. I had multiple nerve block injections and even a bilateral nerve ablation which had me unable to walk for almost two weeks. Me and my best friend had those very same text conversations almost on a weekly basis where I would tell her how I was still in pain with no relief, and her response was always how long have you been going through this and why can’t they figure out what’s wrong with you? Her and her mom were always praying for me as well and always let me come to them when I didn’t feel strong enough to make it through.

I had also been struggling with my mental health. Years of childhood trauma, severely toxic work environments and a mentally, emotionally and physically abusive relationship weighed heavily on me for years. I tried therapy for a few years and I never felt any progress. I was prescribed medication for the severe panic attacks and to sleep at night-neither ever worked so I had to try several different kinds-NONE of them helped me in any way.

Before the end of last year I had gotten fed up with doctors and I said God, I’m giving these issues to You. I threw out all of the medication that was prescribed for anxiety/depression, sleeping and pain. I knew it was crazy to do but I said this is how crazy my faith is in God!

Then a few months later I came across one of Bishop’s reels on Instagram telling me to hold on. I didn’t follow right away because of seeing some things I shouldn’t have growing up in church I was of course skeptical. One day while cleaning I noticed Bishop was live for a Bible study and I was able to catch it from the beginning so I tuned in. It was so refreshing to hear him teach the Bible the way he did. I started to go back to listen to his teachings and it scared me how certain things he spoke related to me either at that time when he originally preached or in that moment present day as I was newly watching.

I had been struggling financially due to health issues since last year, lost my job as a paralegal in February 2024- I couldn’t be mad because I was praying asking God if that was where I was meant to be, I wasn’t happy but I also wasn’t leaving. I got an eviction notice March 27, 2024 and it didn’t shake me. I was miserable in the house because of many maintenance issues that were never resolved. One late night pop up Bishop spoke on taking action and to trust God, specifically to start packing was my take away so I did. I had no plan, no place and it’s me, my daughter and my new puppy. While packing I just kept praying, saying “God I know you got us” and each time anxiety tried to get to me I rebuked it immediately. On March 29, 2024 one of my old coworkers called me out of the blue and I told her what was going on…without any kind of hesitation, she told me that we could all come and stay with her because she had two extra rooms so my daughter could still have her own room. Totally unexpected and not at all who I would have expected to look out for us in such a way. I joined Harvest March 30, 2024 because there were no more questions in my mind and I couldn’t make it through my days without one of the Pop ups or prior teachings. I’m truly grateful to God for giving Bishop such wisdom to make a hybrid church because staying confined to those around me in Baltimore City I would have never gone back to church fully.

My career was at standstill. Jobs I was well qualified for with various lawyers offices NOT ONE of them called me back for an interview. It was my comfort zone but was no longer making me happy. Stepping out on faith again I completely left the legal field after 12 years, April 1, 2024 started with a new company as a receptionist, no fear of starting over because they can already see me in my next position as a project coordinator (and this was said during my initial interview). I also started at a time where I walk in the door with benefits 🙌🏽 even pet insurance for puppy!!!

I started giving faithfully. I never used to tithe previously but since I started working again that’s the first thing I do, even gladly gave my First Fruit offering which I’ve never done. I give my seed offerings after each message and just looking at my giving for April 2024 alone shows me how much I’ve been blessed because I remember just back in February-March 2024 I didn’t have a financial seed to give but I would at least give clothing to one of the homeless shelters here. My May 1, 2024 seed offering cut my car payments in half for the next 6 months and I had a prayer moment with the call rep which NEVER happens. The seed amount was $30, I gave $30.30 and my payment amount went from $669 to $303 - that call happened literally 30 minutes after I gave!

The pain that I was dealing with in my back is lessened as each day goes by so I’m able to do more with my daughter and be more active like I used to be. I no longer feel anxious all the time and when those feelings try to creep up on me I just pray and they immediately go away. I’m no longer depressed or sad about my storm because for how it happened I know it was God removing me because I wouldn’t remove myself. I have peace at home now and at work which I have prayed for for a long time. I’m the happiest I have been in my entire life even though I have no plan or control of what happens next. I am truly walking by faith and I know God is just getting started!

[kouhaiofcolor]

Plz note I am not comparing the two as far as challenges/prejudices, I just wanted to vent.

I wear a head wrap to work pretty much 95% of the time as a protective style. I cut my hair about 2 years ago and my goal is to obtain healthy hair that’s reaches my mid back w shrinkage. As of now, my hair is collarbone length stretch, but jaw line length shrunken. I have a coworker who wears a lot of weaves and wigs as a protective style, and she occasionally wears her natural hair out. Whenever she wears her natural hair, she constantly gets sooo many compliments. I DO NOT have an issue w that bc I am obsessedddddd w her hair. However, my problem is that when I wear my hair out, ppl in the office look at me strange and act if I’m some sort of freak show. I genuinely don’t get it. She has really nice 4c hair and her braid outs look amazing, but sometimes she doesn’t even style her hair (which is equally beautiful). I have 3c hair & 4a (in some frizzy sections of my hair) and I will literally take forever doing different styles and I still get looked at crazy.

So long as you're not experiencing any discrimination or biased treatment for wearing your natural hair at work, no matter what it looks like or how it's perceived, I wouldn't worry too much about this. Like, as long as you're not experiencing something like being sent home instead of being permitted to work just because you're wearing your natural hair out, just stay focused on keeping your hair healthy. Optimal health will take care of everything else (length, strength, thickness, elasticity/shrinkage, etc). Don't allow anyone to influence you to look at this badly or feel negatively about it. The way I see it, it's great that you have representation of natural 4c hair where you work. We sparsely have it anywhere in prevalence.

Have you asked your coworker about her regimen, by chance? Has she shared any maintenance advice or recommended you any products to give a try & see if they work for you? Stay secure in your journey, find what works for you, & be consistent. Nothing wrong w/ your coworker being complimented or praised for being in the midst of her own journey, either. That could just as easily be you :) Encourage each other. Don't give in to any pressures you feel imposed to move backwards, either. Find what works for you & stick with it. I guarantee you that's what your coworker probably does or did at some point. I would love to know how your journey's going thus far (since I'm so late answering this).

[resmarted]

haven't been on psych meds all week due to liver failure and emergency intervention to reverse the effects of the damage from trying to replace covid meds with tylenol (even those also give you liver damage apparently and my tylenol levels didn't even appear to be that high in the end? tf?)

have already been on the brink of tears a few times, namely when chris didn't pull my show and said he knew my ability to bounce back in time. i can't even talk about it i will start sobbing it's like the most moving thing anyone has said to me in so long.

was also considering going down on these meds already and wanted to taper off to see how i manage. i have been on a steady combo of anxiety and depression meds since i was 22. i was very exhausted from being the funny girl in every setting to the point where every coworker at whole foods would want to know what was wrong the second i stopped smiling or goofing off. the expectation of me and the sad jester complex that came along with it for years got to be too much. i also felt like i had turned it into a full time job making everyone else around me comfortable which somehow evolved into being an emotional dumping ground for everyone to lay their own issues out onto, whether we knew each other or not. i genuinely care for people but there is a fine line between being nonconsensually assigned at random to become someone's free therapist and being this hardened bitch for setting boundaries and not engaging in the people-pleasing techniques of culturally fetishized support group mentality. or something idk how to explain it but i decided at some point it was much safer to just be seen as a bitch than a free vent box for other people who refuse to get on their own meds or proper treatment plans with licensed professionals etc. people tend to see that you have been through a lot and therefore you have all the answers to get them through their stuff, but it took a lot or work and therapy and is an ongoing process. it's actually really insulting and extremely lacking in self-awareness to make your problems everyone else's around you and being the only somewhat healed person in a room makes you a magnet to people who want to feel better too without doing the work. people don't deserve to be victim to your emotional outbursts or of your vampiric tendencies.

that being said, not to be anye-kay but i was a much more prolific writer and a lot of my best art has been created from the depths of hellish experiences and times in my life. suppressing my feelings about the world and not pouring it into my art is not very cash money of me. also tho the best art is made during the winter and the worst time to go off meds is also during this time, generally for the same reasons. also i think it's generally a lame excuse to say you can't make art with or without drugs. it may be easier one way or the other, but it's likely a discipline or skill issue. like maybe you're just a shitty artist and drugs is an easy way to avoid taking that accountability.

the mental health system is so fucked the regular health system is so fucked the living wage is fucked all of our money is being funneled directly into war and genocide and i just feel like numbing myself any further in this moment of revolutionary history is not the way to exist right now.

THAT being said i fucking HATE how people act off their meds, how they unleash their shit onto you with such audacious entitlement, and ultimately this world is designed to make you feel crazy, so if you can control your emotions in an act of survival then why wouldn't you? but also i am an artist, doggg.

i know how i get when i go off them for too long, how unsavory comments become, even when they are people i know disguising themselves as randos, and fortunately i have had enough experience to know how cruel and demented people get in groups on line (or in general) and have learned to genuinely not go looking for it after years or exposure tharapy alone. the second i get the slightest inkling we are not on the same team, you're out. no questions asked. like i could truly give a fuck what your excuse for your behavior you will or won't admit to, i have enough weirdo fucking stalkers online as it is and have for decades now. if you even have one of those people within six degrees or your social circle you're already on thin ice to begin with. i did not spend nearly forty years surviving this insane fucking life to go backwards. i don't attach myself to people with shitty karma, even if it's just by proxy of their friends of friends. if you want to survive cut-throat environments, you have to be willing to be called the bitch and the crazy one and whatever else will be thrown at you for refusing to adhere to a mold of low vibe mediocrity. you have to treat your social circle like an ongoing audition process that is never fully locked into place and be totally fine with whether or not people will get it (they won't, esp as a woman you will get thrown all those demonic labels and then some) it feels weird in the early days but eventually living in truth and integrity becomes second nature, and the revolving door of people who do and do not make it back for the following seasons of both your community environment of choice or your life in its most personal form always speaks for itself.

people play with fire expecting not to get burnt, play stupid games to win stupid prizes, despite how it ends the same each time etc etc etc.

say it with me: slow and steady wins the race. that falls on deaf ears attached to people trying to be the loudest in the room, but people only like fast food for so long and everyone agrees what quality is at the end of the day. you don't just get that overnight through overexertion and speed racing your way into a burnout. not everyone is meant to play this game according to the arbitrary set of rules on a constantly evolving and everchanging landscape.

this post was mostly for me btw. everything i do in this world is generally just for me. another great example of gaining a following by going against all the made up rules to a made up game that we are all just making up as we go along. [fiona apple 1997 vma voice] this world is bullshit just go with yourself

[kitsuna-ri]

So I lost my job yesterday and while I know it’s for the best (because ooh boy constant anxiety and stress) things were kinda fucked how it went down and I just want to make sure I’m not crazy. Here’s the rundown (it’s long, sorry):

Accepted SM assistant role last August. Was upfront about having limited experience, mostly either with accounts that had no budget or having long steps to go through to get a post approved. Said I was primarily a social WRITER but could make simple graphics and what not because I can use Photoshop and Canva. Basically hit the ground running, had virtually no real training and vague instructions. I was also suddenly in charge of way more categories, some of which had their own separate pages on social platforms and I would have to be responsible for all of them. I started with 5 categories, three of which consistently had multiple weekly or monthly events that needed posts. I also had to help boost, do mild comment and message moderation, and live tweet well into late hours or over the weekend. After getting settled I took on more work because we were a small team and I wanted to be as helpful as possible. I ended up taking on a weekly filming task that meant filming and editing the video in less than a day’s time. It took time because I had mentioned I don’t have strong video editing skills but I was willing to learn and try my best.

In late January, I was hit with a surprise move. I was told I had to be out by March and it was a few days from February. I was scrambled. But I still continued to take on what I could while panicking about my living situation. I get the move scheduled to not cost me too much missed time in the office. I asked my manager if I could WFH the day before my move just to wrap things up and was told to come in. I complied.

All this time, I have never once been approached about my quality of work from my clients or my boss. In fact, I even received a glowing yearly review and told I’m doing wonderful and I work great with my clients. We did have one of my categories break off and essentially took over their own social media with an influencer. It came as a big shock but I tried to roll with the punches and keep working hard for my other clients.

Then we had a HUGE event, like all hands on deck kind of thing. Still not given a ton of direction just “make as much content for this event as possible.” So I did. Now, around the end, I was having some trouble in my life (worries about my health, parents, etc) so I was admittedly burned out. I dropped a few balls. Nothing bad happened, no social catastrophe or anything, just didn’t pay attention when reposting a post and didn’t realize it was a carousel and not just one photo. I used a photo by prof photographer from a preview party and my manager felt the angle wasn’t good and took it down. Then, after she talked to me and was wanting to offer to show me some tips and tricks which I was eager for. Then there was an issue with a department she had basically dumped on me with little explanation and told me to use artist bios and I used one from the artist’s site and apparently that wasn’t ok. I told her I’d definitely be much more careful.

Then, I asked our intern to post a video on TT to continue a series we had started. Our intern was out but told me she could post things no problem even when I voiced concerns. She posted the video and apparently there was a typo. My manager completely loses it in in Teams but worse yet, in a group chat with one of my coworkers. I had a panic attack and was trying to explain what happened, apologizing and taking the Ls and offering solutions. She demands a conversation the next day so I agree.

She realizes like late morning that she had berated me in front of our coworker and apologized. But we were still having our convo. In this talk she’s telling me suddenly that my work has only ever just been “ok” which is the first time I’m ever hearing this feedback. We had monthly one on ones and she Never. Said. Anything. But now suddenly I was a problem and I needed to reconsider things, see if this is the right position, and she said she’d work with me and I was like “ok. I’m going to improve, I’m not going to screw up like this again.”

So the process was I sent her the design and proposed copy of what I wanted to post and she’d give me feedback. She NEVER came to shoot with me or show me tricks or tips except like once near the end. Instead she started “not giving a fuck” Because she was getting demoted from director to manager and was mad about it. She started half assing things and even being really curt and rude to clients. Meanwhile, I’m busting my ass to create only the best with minimal to no direction or real advice but I was noticing improvement. Plus, my clients were so happy with the work I was creating and how I was working with them.

I had another one on one and she tells me I’m doing great, she’s happy to see me taking everything to heart, etc etc.

This continues and other than one misunderstanding, I thought everything was great! I was doing more with video editing and really trying to make dynamic designs.

This month comes around and we’re suddenly hit with three BIG events in one of my categories, all happening at the same time, two events in one of my other categories, and I had also agreed to take one one other category which had weekly events as well. That meant for this month I ended up having 10 events to promote. We also lost our ability to boost ads so everything was relying on purely organic engagement. I made assets, I tried to balance posting with the three big events because they all had to post on the same IG/FB page. I didn’t want any one to be out shined and wanted to make sure the page didn’t seem spammy with so many posts each day because my other coworker also had two categories that shared the same page. So A LOT was being posted.

We have a meeting and someone asked if we were posting about a specific collection on social. We said yes, for sure. Because I had been posting. Then he continued on to say that he knew the lack of bids was just because this collection had way too high prices. Didn’t say anything else about social or our posts.

But my manager messages me basically berating me for not posting enough and why the fuck wasn’t I working hard. I was like ???? And explained my reasoning and immediately got told I was wrong and I had ten days to get posts up to three per event per day. So I proceeded to bust my ass.

Now, here’s the thing, I couldn’t post if she didn’t review my stuff. So I sent her all these posts to hit this new goal annnnnnnnnnnnd I got nothing back. For a day and a half. I had to ask for them three times before finally getting the feedback. But I still kept working. Then I unfortunately got food poisoning.

BUT because we had our new director starting, I took pepto and sipped on ginger ale so I could make it into the office. And I did. I did wind up leaving early but I had still been creating work and sending it.

However, because I suppressed my food poisoning the next day I was MISERABLE. So I finally decided to take the day. I sent my manager a message and hear nothing back so I make sure all my shit is handled and ended up having to do a whole video while feeling like death. But I did it.

I still had things ready and scheduled so I at least would be good to go. Now, in the afternoon my manager finally messaged me only to try and yell at me about a post my other coworker had done. She did say “apologies” and then asked if I’d be in the next day. I said I was going to do everything I could do I wouldn’t fall behind.

The next day, I did go in. A few hours later she suddenly showed up (she doesn’t work in office on Fridays). I’m working on some stuff, I had already sent her some things to approve, and she suddenly messaged me asking if I had a sec.

And that’s when she walked me to a conference room that HR was in. I even asked her if everything was ok while we were walking and she was like “mmhmm”

They didn’t let me pack my stuff, I had to ask my friend to get my things. They tried to be like “this isn’t a firing for anything bad…you just weren’t the right fit.” And my manager kept saying “we had all those discussions” but I’m over here like ?????? We’ve had maybe TWO and one was THIS WEEK!!! And it takes more than a day, hell a week, for HR to process a firing. I had formal write ups and yet I was done.

I’m so mad and also scared and just ugh. Fuck Capitalism, fuck that lying bitch, and just…fuck my life.

[megkana209]

Ch 2

"Cassie I have a few things I didn't get done on my shift" my coworker points to a stack of papers left on the desk by our main computer. "Just some new orders and X rays."

I nod my head in a silent confirmation that I was listening. Good the voice was going to leave me alone during the day time today as well. I used to exclusively work the night shift as the night time always scared me while sleeping but sense the voice appeared I began picking up day shifts not wanting to have a crazy conversation with myself during my work hours. I admit I'm a bit of a scary cat during the night, always feeling something was out to get me, so when the voices started I felt my fears confirmed. Most night now I anxiously cower near my husband before sleep takes me.

"Now let's go count the narcotics so I can get out of here." Connie prattle on.

"Ready to get home to jeff?" I asked genuinely curious. "Ow yes you know how he can be the big baby. He can't survive without me. I have to go home and cook him a meal before I can relax." She laughs a little at her own situation. "You got lucky with your husband being a chef I'll tell you. That lemon chicken you brought us last time was spectacular. Tell him thanks again."

I took the keys to the narcotic box and smiled at her gingerly. "If I tell him thanks one more time he'll think he has to cook you a feast to keep his biggest fans praise going lol. But seriously you should come over one night and we'll do just that."

"I'd love that" she replies simply in-between firing off narcotic numbers.

With my keys in hand I set off to begin my medication round, humming joyously to myself. Today would be a good day then. "Hello Tim, marcus." I call down those long yellow halls. They great back with a simple wave of the hand and a smile on there face. Ow yes a good day and one I will spend theorizing again on my down time.

I have a list of clues and theories for my mystery speaker. All of which seem silly and uninventful but I soldier on, determined to catch him and prove the paranormal as real, and myself not being crazy.

"Cassie we have a problem over here. Someone's complaining of pain." Rachel my cna calls out. "Coming" I reply pulling myself from my own thought as I lock my cart and begin my way to my patient. "I'm already ready to head home" I mutter to myself.

"Rachel do you ever have night terrors?" The day had slowed immensely and the two workers had taken there spots at the nurses station to begin their paper work for the day. "Not particularly" she replied bored and playing on her phone.

"I've been getting these waking dreams that have been freaking me out lately. I'm afraid my anxiety is going to go through the roof if they continue." I reply. My computer screen humming as I click away the hours charting.

"Havr you tried anything for your anxiety? You know go to the doctor or just light up a good Ole joint. Cannabis helps me with my anxiety"

"Rachel! We are in the health care field!" I laugh aloud "you'll loose your job."

"Let them fire me ill get a new job in a second and then I wouldn't have to deal with our good old friend frank anymore." She smiles.

Frank is one of our biggest trouble patients. He has a habit of not only sneaking off into the female residents rooms but harassing the staff as well.

"Cannabis is a no but maybe your right maybe I should go see a doctor, but you know me I hate doctors."

'Doctors won't help you anyways' my male voice said into my mind.

My fingers fumble on the key board, dread and shock coursing through me momentarily. I gulp but continue my conversation.

"My dude, there's nothing wrong with seeing the doctor. Don't be a chicken lol. You don't get poked with a needle everytime you go."

I scowl but continue on with my work, ruffling through a few more order papers.

"Night terrors could be a sign of some repressed shit though Cass. You may need to work something out."

"Ow I'm working something out." I mutter back.

[valparzjournal]

Hey friends ~.~

It's been a while. Work has been busy and fucking stressful. We are prepping the kids for the upcoming state assessments. We have less than a month and we have to meet so many kids for tutoring. We need to start working on plans to attend Saturdays. It's been a thing. We are planning our glow theme week to make things really fun for the kids.

I actually had a a really normal day yesterday. I don't want to say normal but it was one of the days that I didn't worry about having a panic attack, not a lot of anxiety, not having intrusive thoughts or fears. I was present and had so much fun with my coworkers. We had a professional development day and it was good. We were productive and had a fun team building project. I needed that type of connection with them because when we get together in lunch, we just talk about work work work. Which is not our fault but it is what it is. Lunch was fun too! My coworker and I were jamming out to One Direction and omg we were having so much fun. it was just a wonderful day.

My anxiety did kick in later in the afternoon though. To be honest, despite the crazy outside of mind thoughts Im having, I know that I'm getting better. I think I have known but I had to take off the training wheels off my bike to know what I'm capable of. For example, I thought my family dog, Maxine, was helping me in some way with my mental health but she was low key stressing me out and not letting me sleep which affected my anxiety. I say family dog because she lives with my mom and I bring her in when my husband leaves for work so I don't feel so alone. She helped me get outside to take her for a walk so that did help with my lab numbers lol. But I really want to start walking by myself after work. My husband left this past Wednesday for a few days and he said not to bring back Maxine because were were planning to have his mom here for spring break but she changed her mind last minute. I was nervous about not having Maxine but I know that this is happening for a reason. I do miss her a lot though.

I'm gonna talk about three more growths and then make my lunch lol. I haven't had a session in two weeks which is fine because my therapist was sick and we had conflicting schedules. That made me nervous too but then again I've been wanting to start bi weekly sessions. I know I can text her if I need her. She is great about that. <3

In the beginning of my recovery in in September, I bought play-doh to help me with my anxiety but I was so hyper focused about smells and how i thought it will give me panic attacks, I ended up giving the play-doh to my students bc it had a smell. *face palm* but it's valid lol. So yesterday during the team building project with my coworkers, we had to build a tower with uncooked spaghetti and play-doh. I was excited. I was like "oh my god, let me smell it. *smells it with delight* It's so nostalgic." Then 20 minutes within the project, it clicked that "oh shit, i used to be scared to be near play-doh." I feel awesome about it.

My next thing is that I drove with someone in the passenger seat. For some reason, i get more anxious when I have someone one in the passenger seat. One time in October, I picked up my coworker because her car was in the shop. I said yes with confidence but I was anxious as hell. I just told her that I won't be able to talk or anything lol. Well yesterday, a colleague was looking for her truck in the parking lot (it's a long story) and she asked if I could give her a ride around the area to find it. I said yes with no problem and we drove around and then it clicked that I had someone in the passenger seat and we were having a conversation and I'm like omg I have had growth haha.

I'm proud of myself. Please keep going, it's gets better with good change. <3

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: Wasn't Expecting That (19x02)

Nick is the most boring character Grey's Anatomy has ever written! Sorry!

Cons:

Like, seriously. Meredith's whole speech about how she went numb when she lost him... please. I think my problem with him is that it's hard to think of him being anything more than a blip on Meredith's radar. Her life has been filled with vibrant and interesting characters, and Nick is not vibrant or interesting.

You know I have to complain about this... Owen and Teddy. I will say that the somewhat comedic marital woes are a step above the angsty, overwrought drama we usually get with these two, but it's still not exactly pleasant to watch all the same! I was complaining last week that Owen's whole plot thread last season led to absolutely nothing in the way of real consequences. Well, apparently the consequences are going to be marital problems between Owen and Teddy. Yippee. Can't wait to see that. Ugh.

Pros:

I continue to enjoy seeing Meredith as chief even if I'm not thrilled about the Nick stuff. The episode ends with a reminder of the other part of Meredith's life that we don't get to see much of: she is a mother. Zola looks so big, it's crazy how long this show has been on the air. While she's making a presentation on her hero, her grandmother Ellis Grey, she panics and talks about how Meredith and Maggie are both also going to get Alzheimer's and die and she'll be all alone. First of all, Zola, that's a super relatable anxiety. I'm curious how this story will continue, if we're going to loop around to that looming threat of Meredith's health. After all, it's been roughly two decades since this show started. She's got to be getting close to the age her mother was when she exhibited symptoms, right? Crazy to think about.

It's fun to see Bailey get some time away from the hospital! She deserves it, and seeing her settled into her role as a mother is a special treat after all the drama and pain she underwent on her journey to get there. She and Jo being mom friends is such a lovely little detail. This show is inconsistent at best at showing these people having lives outside of their work, but when they get it right, I often really enjoy it.

The interns continue to impress me. It's early days yet, but they all feel distinct and interesting. I liked that there was a medical mystery this episode that they all got to come together to solve. They save their patient's life, although he is forced to have his leg amputated. I like how this played off of various strengths and weaknesses among the various interns. Simone gets to have the insight about the diagnosis, Jules gets to amputate his leg, but things almost go badly when she can't control the bleeding. I loved the scene of the two of them in the gift shop at the end of the episode, calming themselves down. I could see a real friendship forming there!

Not much of a friendship forming between Blue and Lucas, however. The cockiest of our new batch of interns sees Lucas and Amelia speaking in hushed tones together coming out of an on-call room, and incorrectly believes they're sleeping together. The truth? Aunt Amelia was trying to make sure Lucas had a place to sleep and food to eat! But Lucas doesn't want his coworkers to know he's related to the Shepherds, so he's keeping his mouth shut for now. That should be interesting.

The marital trouble in this episode didn't stop with Owen and Teddy. We also see Maggie and Winston at odds, as Maggie depends too much on Winston to basically act as her resident during the time when they didn't have a class of residents. Because of this, his own surgeries are constantly getting pushed around, his assistants are being poached. Winston is fed up. The thing is, in contrast to Teddy and Owen's over the top snark and bickering, Maggie and Winston feel like a realistic married couple, navigating the challenges of working together. They resolve it by the end of the episode, Maggie explaining herself but also admitting wrongdoing. I remember when Maggie and Jackson dated, and two characters who I had otherwise quite enjoyed, became insufferable to me. I'm so glad Maggie and Winston don't make me feel that way. I rather enjoy their relationship!

I'm sure there are other notable developments that I'm missing, but that happens all the time with a show as stuffed full of characters as this one is! That's where I'll leave off for now!

8/10