#my cishet therapist told me that

[rncldart]

being a fag is not for the faint of heart

vent art linocut print i made after being hatecrimed at work. literally cried while printing these for the first time.

my first gender therapist told me that being transgender is like climbing a mountain. it is really, really difficult, and a constant uphill battle. but the view is so beautiful. it's something not everyone gets to experience in their life. and it's something that gives us an insight into this world and our bodies and our relationships to others that cishet people are just otherwise not going to have.

sending my love to everyone who has had moments of shame, fear, and discrimination because of who they are. you are not alone.

prints available here

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for "feeding my ex's internalised transphobia" by refusing to date a man as a lesbian? TW for internalised transphobia, mentions of rape and SA

TLDR: i am a lesbian. my teenage partner was sexually abusive to me for a year, mostly through enforced sexist rp scenarios. now, they are out as non-binary and accuse me of misandry and transandrophobia because i once told them i would not date a man regardless of his agab

I (NB20) started dating my ex (NB23) when i was 15. I was always openly a lesbian. When we met a year before we started dating, they identified as a butch. Throughout our relationship they explored their gender identity more, toying with the idea of being vaguely transmasc. I never had a problem with it; i enjoyed being in a butch/femme relationship and honouring their masculinity as much as I could.

For context, I am a very outspoken hardcore feminist; I don't like to generalise and i have a lot of love for the men in my life, but I have also made a couple of "kill all cishet men" jokes at a safe setting, with people who know exactly where I actually stand. I don't hate men, I just don't find them attractive and think they should be raised better. One day, they asked me if i would still be attracted to them if they fully transitioned and started living as a man. I told them I wouldn't; in my head, being butch/masc is extremely different to being a man, and I appreciated their presentation as a part of them being a lesbian (gender expression =/= gender identity, after all). They assured me that this was just a hypothetical question and just them being curious about my boundaries and limits, ended the conversation, and never brought it up again. My ex was very into roleplay during sex, and I was on board with it initially. After a while, however, the scenes they wanted to act out began to get extremely degrading, bordering on abusive, where they were embodying a man in a position of power (something that i was extremely uncomfortable with), while I was a vulnerable woman (usually a sex worker) getting degraded or even raped. Although I was deeply disturbed by some of the things we did, I was a child at the time, they were my first and i wasn't theirs. I wasn't ready to have sex yet and didn't know how to defend myself. Even when I tried to set a boundary, they would press on and claim it was their way of processing trauma, and that I was manipulative for attempting to withhold that from them. Eventually, with the help of a therapist and my family I ended things between us. I dreaded talking to or about them to anyone and mostly kept quiet about it all. Back to the present day, one of my old mutuals found my new account and texted me. They told me that my ex was posting about me, and that I should be ashamed of myself if what they said was true. I gathered up enough courage to view the posts myself. Their story is very different from what I remember. They claim I was being a misandrist and by extension transandriphobic (in their words, my distaste for the behaviour of cishet men was very damaging for masc people. it is weird, because healthy expressions of masculinity are the last thing i would judge a man for). They also claimed I made their internalised transphobia worse by refusing to date them if they transitioned. I have moved on with my life, but now other people are mixed in and im honestly at a loss. I never forced them to be someone they weren't with me. I never shamed them for their masculinity or discouraged them from exploring their identity, I just stated that dating a trans man wouldn't agree with my sexuality. A healthy response would be to be honest with me, and give me the right to decide for myself whether i would stay with them through their transition or only be able to support them as a friend. They could even just leave without justifying anything.

I don't know. Maybe my trauma is blinding me, but I keep going over the memories in my head trying to figure out how I might be the one behind all that hatred and violence. I don't want to be unfair to them, even if it's just in my own mind, so I'm just speaking up about it for the first time in my life through an AITA tumblr post. Any advice or insight is appreciated.

What are these acronyms?

[titaniumtsar]

I had therapy today, and showed my therapist my recent pencil/pen art on camera. She instantly thought Dr Schrei (the character I made to represent myself, or "sona," as the kids call that) was a guy/man, calling her a he. I told her she's a woman, just an androgynous looking one.

I was not offended in the slightest, however. If anything, I was oddly flattered/happy. I consider myself mostly a woman, the most "trans" I'd probably be is demiwoman or woman-leaning nonbinary. I call myself a "genderqueer woman" on occasion, as my relationship with womanhood feels queer. As a lesbian with PCOS who is now mostly masc/androgynous in gender expression, and has had a rather... "unique" experience growing up as a tall girl with hairy arms who obviously wasn't into men, while I know the trans label depends on gender assigned at birth and not necessarily sex, the way I see it, I consider myself to be what some in the butch lesbian community have proudly reclaimed as "incorrectly female." My PCOS makes my body feel "mostly female," but with some slightly "masculine" quirks. I see my gender identity as being about the same as that. With my gender expression, I'm androgynous, but leaning towards the masc side. With my gender identity, it's the opposite, as in androgynous, but leaning towards the woman side, similar to how my body feels, so for that reason, I don't consider myself trans. I still identify a lot with womanhood and don't want to stop being one, but I would still love to be a woman in a more masc/androgynous kind of way than the cishet norm. That feels the most like me, being a "handsome woman" or "gentlewoman."

Anyway, the way I see it is Dr Schrei is a representation of myself, so even though I don't think of myself as a man (I personally love being a woman who loves other woman), her being mistaken as a man tells me that people can see my masculinity/androgyny, which is nice. Even with them just being a fictional character, lol.

My art so far of my OC Dr Schrei, for reference. In order from newest to oldest. My therapist saw the last one when she referred to her with he/him pronouns, stating "He looks like he's up to no good" and giggling. My therapist is great.

Yeah, today was an okay day. 🩵💚🏳️‍🌈

[celestiallyslimy]

dear systems(?) of tumblr; (a genuine ask/vent)

i've been showing signs of dissociative identity disorder, and would like to know what people who do have the disorder see my experience as. disclaimer; i have not done much research on dissociative identity disorder, and i am tagging this with tags related to the content of the vent to reach an audience with actual knowledge on dissociative identity disorder, not because i think i have it. i hope that the way i tag doesnt offend people.

buffer for s/a(?), gaslighting, and ed mention also in case you dont wanna hear my sob story and want to know my actual ask, the actual ask is highlighted. the tldr is in red

so, when i was not even ten, my younger sisters would lick my boobs and try humping me and holding me down to slap my bare buttcheeks. my parents didn't help me at all, they said that they're too young to know it was sexual and i should set my own boundaries. i've had dreams about it but im unsure whether i should actually label it as s/a since my sisters are younger than me and less mature. i've also been told small things like "this song is called (example)" only to be told "i've never heard of that song, no it's called (example 2)" since i was 5. this has led to me questioning my identity, and not in the "im not cishet" way, and more of the "how old am i? am i even fourteen? was i even born as (deadname)?" way where i dont know my surroundings. until i was 6-7, i would assume everything i believed was a dream and end every sentence with "but yeah it was probably just a dream and not real". and then, there's my sisters body shaming me AT EIGHT until i started showing signs of bulimia and anorexia (although, my experiences have only aligned with certain systems and i have never seen a therapist, im NOT saying im diagnosed). they would make fun of my for my boobs, stomach, arms, etc.

i've been having multiple "personalities"? not really identities. i mean, the ones i make a distinction with (such as my blogs; i have three blogs right now) use different names and pronouns. but there are other ones with different habits and typing quirks. they never really manifest irl (other than my names, but all the ppl irl know (not my family) is that i go by salem, millie, and eris). sometimes, i dont want to speak at all, sometimes i talk way too much, other times, "i talk liek thizz :333 X333". my main blog, starrinymph, (even tho i dont use it much) goes by ambrose; but i go by ambrose a lot online. this blog (celestiallyslimy) goes by orion, daughterofnoridoorman, for fictionkin content, goes by sage, uzi, and v. it feels weird to put my names/pronouns that i use on one blog on another but i've been doing it anyways because i want to be consistent. but, even when im using a different personality than my basic one, i dont have gaps in my memory. i can switch between these identities voluntarily, but once it happens subconsiously (i dont know a better word), it doesnt really go away. and if i purposefully try and suppress it, then, i start getting anxious, and get the need to pick at my skin and hair. its also sometimes like i can hear different "people" in my head. if it helps, i've also shown signs of other disorders from many quizzes (i would get a professional diagnosis if i could), such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, borderline personality disorder, adhd, and more.

tldr; i've had experiences at the age where i was supposed to develop that many would consider to be "traumatic". i am wondering if me having multiple personalities (which i can choose to act as, but can not actively switch out of if it happens on its own, and usually only has changes in typing/ minor changes in personality) may be a sign of dissociative identity disorder.

[dasiesanddarkness]

in case youve ever wondered how good old cishet white men are at being therapists one time my therapist (who was an old cishet white man) asked me if i felt as though my mom was controlling and overbearing and when i said yes he told me that bosses micromanaged employees when they werent doing their jobs right and needed supervision and so the reason my mother was so controlling was because i was doing something that made me untrustworthy.

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

By: Aaron Terrell

Published: Mar 29, 2024

I started speaking out about the dangers of medicalizing gender in 2019. I had spent the previous two years understanding the subculture that had grown around the notion of transgenderism. Apparently being “trans” was noble. Being “cis” meant you supported the white supremacist patriarchy. Apparently now gender dysphoria was a “cishet invention to pathologize transness”.  Dysphoria was something you had to claim to have in order to access your “life saving” hormones and surgery. It was all foreign and confusing and full of contradictions. I felt like it made a mockery of my “real condition”. See I transitioned in 2010. Grateful for the relief it brought me and not interested in tribes or support groups, I got on with my life “as a man” and didn’t pay much mind to the culture of transition. That is until late 2017 when I re-immersed myself as a kind of religious studies student.  

In addition to studying the culture that had arisen, I spent a lot of time reading stories from detransitioners. The detransitioners’ stories weren’t foreign or confusing. They sounded like my own. A lifelong sense of ‘supposed to be’ the opposite sex, and then learning this meant they were the opposite sex and transition was the only solution. Except it didn’t work. They felt more uncomfortable on the other side. Some felt like they were living a lie and presenting as the opposite sex was an act they no longer wanted to keep up; mentally, physically, or ethically. Unlike the aforementioned religious zealots, the detransitioners were easy to relate and empathize with.

So why did it work for me? And what does “work” even mean in this context? I have no idea. And certainly not for lack of trying to find the answer. I’ve now clocked over six yeas on a deep-dive into gender, dysphoria, detransition, sexology, psychology, etc. and I still don’t know. What I do know is there was no difference between us that could have been discerned by a “gender therapist” prior to transitioning, even back when things were “more careful”. The activists who came of age since 2010 are not just in the gender clinics, they are writing the guidelines for every therapist. They are told that to ask questions that might get to the root of someone’s gender related distress is “conversion therapy”. That “trans people” know what their gender is and to do anything but affirm them is akin to homophobia. We’re told detranisioners are just the rare few who were confused and got their gender wrong. While sad, sure, we shouldn’t weaponize them to punish “real” trans people.

So I am here as a “real trans person” to call bullshit. No one was “born in the wrong body” and sex trait modification is not “life saving care”. Some of us feel it was a net benefit, but recognize it was a serious medical intervention for what is a strictly psychological issue. There is no difference between a “trans person” and a “cis person” other than declared self-identity. If you are reading this, I’m fairly certain you agree. And yet, while attending the 2023 Trans Health Summit, I asked the trans and nonbinary 30 something doctors writing the American Psychological Association’s “Guidelines for Working with Trans and Gender Expansive Patients” how therapists can differentiate between a “trans child” and a “cis child”. I was told only a transphobe would even think to try.

In 2021, I began working with a friend and early gender clinic whistle-blower, Aaron Kimberly, who likewise does not regret transition. Together we launched the Gender Dysphoria Alliance and the Transparency Podcast. The aim of both is to shed light on the experience of gender dysphoria, without all the ideological noise that now surrounds it. Since then, we have gotten countless messages from parents, teachers, administrators, etc. thanking us for speaking out. Jamie Reed credited the podcast with helping her summon the courage to blow the whistle on her gender clinic. People have emailed us to say they decided not to transition or to detransition, crediting our content with them understanding their own motivations better. Mothers have told us their daughters dissisted after being shown the podcast. Personally I suspect that’s because most these girls have no interest in looking like middle-age men and being shown we aren’t cute K-Pop boys has them running from the testosterone. We’re happy to help either way!

However, we have also gotten criticism from Gender Critical activists who feel that by not detransitioning we are advertising transition. I would agree with them on this, if not for the fact of the culture we currently live in. The people with this criticism seem completely disconnected from the realities I described above. We live in a culture that celebrates all things trans while demonizing any investigation into it. There is no shortage of transition encouragement surrounding gender distressed individuals. What there is a shortage of is people telling them the truth from a position of compassion and empathy.

I am grateful to work alongside anyone productively working to interrupt this ideology. But just like how I didn’t need the trans tribes or support groups all those years ago, I don’t need gender critical ones now. If you don’t feel comfortable working with people who do not regret their transition, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I think it’s misguided strategically for the reasons I already mentioned, but I do understand it. I will keep writing and podcasting and trying to sound alarms, alone or with friends and colleagues, and I firmly believe the most productive way to do so is to continue to lean on my standing as a “trans person”.

[gay-kurapika]

I had a negative experience with a guy I was trying to be friends with through the stupid reddit group and his last message to me is along the lines of "are you seriously ignoring me" and you know what I seriously am. I'm overly nice sometimes, I was overly nice with him. He was crossing boundaries left and right and I ignored my own discomfort to be there for him. I'm DONE doing shit like that. I've talked to you once. I told you you crossed my boundsries. I'm not your therapist, or your mom, or even your friend. I barely know you. So I won't talk to you twice because you are making me feel like shit. From now on I'm not punishing myself with that weird reddit group anymore. No more cishet men. They've lost their chances. Lgbt people and cishet women I've vetted first only. But cishet men have lost all of the friendship privileges.

[womanhood2]

Something I still struggling with is accepting the fact that my choice to detransition was actually entirely correct and life-saving. I was told by so many “queer” suburban kids who had never faced physical violence against their body and person for not being a gender-conforming cishet that all my reasons not to transition were “wrong”. My concerns about how drastically my life would change, how I would loose shelter, financial stability, and most of the family who I loved were just completely dismissed even by my gender “therapist” who was supposed to be helping me feel more secure and hopeful about my future. Even when I told them about how my violent, homophobic ex-marine-ex-cop stepfather had threatened an actual transgender person with a gun before, they pressured me to go forwards with hormones and name changes. How the hell do you do that to somebody? How do you listen to such a desperate cry for help and then even think about pressuring them deeper into potentially mortal danger? How sick do you have to be to value your fucking gender agenda over someone’s LIFE, and someone who you claim is part of your COMMUNITY at that?

I still feel a lot of guilt about it. First I was never going to be a good straight little Christian girl, and now I’m never going to be a good accepting queer either. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. But dammit at least I’m alive.

[omegawolverine]

Ok so im a bit sleepy rn but i just realised smth. Im very stereotypically autistic (i do unfortunately love math and science 😭😭) and ppl will acknowledge it by jokingly calling me autistic. And yet if i bring up the fact that i am actually autistic they deny it?? Im weird up until then, but suddenly they say im too normal. I think its just bc they dont realise its a real diagnosis and not a synonym for "annoying". And they get a pass on making kinda rude jokes abt it but if u actually are autistic then they realise that its bordering on bullying. Also bc they get uncomfortable around ppl with any sort of neurodivergency or disability lmao (also im not a white guy so how can i possibly be autistic 🤪)

this is actually such a common occurrence with autistics that aren't cishet white boys that it's crazy like bro even my parents do this shit to me 😭😭 i told my mom my therapist told me im probably autistic (on top of many autistic friends saying the same) and she was like "no you're normal!" as if she doesn't still go on and on about how difficult i was to raise bc im such a picky eater and do things in such a particular way and i always rewatched the same movies and i was always too blunt and i didn't cry when i was supposed to and i would lose my shit if she moved my stuff from where i expected it to be and on and on and on like girl. hello????? also numerous irls calling me weird and saying my social skills are bad and hating how intense i was about interests of mine but then not wanting to think about there probably being a reason for it bc me being a fucking weirdo that they can make fun of just for being a fucking weirdo is easier to deal with. it's rly just like they can't justify bullying someone for being autistic when they know they're autistic but they want to soooo badly :( poor them

[transuncletaylor]

(tw: some childhood neglect and abuse talk)

My therapist had me talking to my younger self the last two sessions and I decided I wanted to write her a letter. And then share it as an act of vulnerability and letting people in, but also to continue my story and hope that it helps someone else out. And maybe because I want someone to read it and tell me I'm doing okay.

I didn't know what to say to her the first time my therapist had asked me what I would say. I don't actually remember what I did say even though it was just a week ago. Today I told her I was sorry. I was sorry that she had to go through all of that growing up and I'm so sorry for what she's about to go through.

However, I told her we made it. We can't see right now that we've made it further than we could have ever imagined, but we're here and we're learning to see with eyes unclouded. We realized lately that we struggle not needing approval from others, that we can get that inwardly, and that we have nothing to prove, we don't need to prove why we are worth love or kindness or space. We're working on letting in the love of others and really feeling it and loving in return.

But young Taylor, there's so much I wish I could go back in time to tell you. I want to reiterate that I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that and you worked with what you had. You had to scrape by and steal and go hungry because all you had after rent and bills was $10 and a bag of oranges until you could go to yours mother's home. You fished donuts out of dumpsters for fun, but that kept you fed. You medicated yourself because feeling became too much to bear after college and your shitty friends encouraged it. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry that I didn't know better, that I did what others told me to do because they were all I had.

We changed our life around, applied for grad school when Ian applied because we didn't know what we wanted to do so we did what he did. Our mom kept us on puppet strings and so when we started slipping line by line, we looked for someone else to guide our broken strings. He wasn't the worst, but he was still an emotionally unavailable white cis gay man who didn't give you the support you needed and put you in a box to make you smaller, palpable, telling you you were too much. We had our fun though and today we look back on those times together fondly, but it's not what we need now.

Young Taylor, I'm so sorry for hating you. I'm so sorry I thought we were broken and there was something wrong with us. We were playing by a rulebook and milestones that weren't for us and it took 2020 for us to see it. I'm so sorry for thinking you were unattractive, I look back at photos of you and think about how beautiful you were as a woman, but that beauty grew so much when you got into the right body. There wasn't anything wrong with you, you were never broken. You were hurt and you had to make do with what you had.

You weren't undatable and unloveable. You weren't made to be in a cishet relationship or fit the role of a southern girlfriend with pearls and ribbon in her hair. Your brother and sister married their first partners in their late twenties, but they knew their genders and sexuality. You didn't get to play in your field for a long time. I'm sorry, young Taylor, I'm sorry for thinking that we couldn't be loved.

You are so loved young Taylor. Your sister loves you, her husband loves you, your niece and nephew especially love you. He asked you if you could come over soon and your niece draws on her arms to mimic your tattoos. She's a wild one, be wary of her. She likes to climb kitchen counters at almost 3 to blow out the candle your sister has lit.

Jesse ended our friendship in 2016, Ian in 2021, you kicked Tyler to the curb just a few months later. Scarlett I think you cut out in 2019 and that was for the best, she was a real bitch and pick me girl. But just because Jesse and Ian left us, it wasn't because of anything we did and sure we have our faults, we're only human, but Jesse left because you stood your ground and didn't want to be ignored and lied to as he would look for hook ups whenever you hung out in public. Ian was a transphobic asshole whose Netflix password was 2020Trump2024, so really, losing him was the best thing that happened. He didn't even have the guts to tell you he didn't want to be friends after 13 years of friendship. He tried to ghost you until you asked his boyfriend what was up. Also fuck both Jeremies.

But you are so loved. You always were. And you are especially now. You have great people in your life now, those who love all of your being no matter how loud and how much space you take. No one is trying to make you anything other than who you want to be. They only want to see you happy and flourishing and be your authentic true self and for you to be you. Because that's all you ever had to be. You just have to be you. Because you are so worthy of love and life and happiness not because of what you accomplished, not what you know or who you know or what you could give to others. Because you're Taylor. And Taylor, you have always been worthy of love, of being loved, and loving in return.

So I end this letter to myself by saying we made it. Mom said we wouldn't make it past 25. We didn't think we would make it past 32. But here we are just a few months shy of 35 and we have made it. You are me now. We have food in the fridge that we love, we aren't living paycheck to paycheck, our bed is full of blankets and pillows and stuffies and no one to tell us that we have too many blankets and pillows and stuffies. We have bunnies who love us, yes, even Dusty loves us though he's kind of aloof. We have a face with a beard that we don't shy our eyes away in the mirror anymore. Our family has grown with aunts, uncles, cousins that you haven't talked to in a very long time and friends who love you unconditionally.

Young Taylor, I am so sorry we had to endure all of that. But we can rest now, we made it. We are here. You did it. I did it. I'm where I always wanted to be. And there's so much left for us to see and explore and experience and learn and grow and I'm so excited to do this with you in my past and so excited to see who we are in the future.

I love you. I love us. I love me.

[thesinglesjukebox]

IZZY HELTAI - "25"

From Thomas, a country-adjacent trans singer-songwriter reflecting on his quarterlife...

[6.38]

Thomas Inskeep: Heltai's a trans male folk-adjacent singer/songwriter in his mid-20s who's been getting better with each release, but "25" is a genuine knockout. The song starts out with him worrying about worrying too much and "try[ing] so hard"; his mom reminds him that he's got plenty of time to do, and figure out, things. It's a sweet and simple, loping, strummy number -- think Jason Mraz if he were actually good. But then the bridge comes along, and OOF: "And if I peaked in high school/Then maybe I wouldn't care/But I was just another queer kid/And I thought that I'd be dead/By the time that I turned 20/Guess I'm pushing all my luck/Living past my life expectancy/'Cause trans kids normally don't get this far." The first time I heard this, I started sobbing; it still nails me in the gut and the heart. As someone who was a queer kid in high school who thought (and often hoped) I'd be dead, let alone who realized in my early 50s that my gender identity is neither what the world nor I had perceived it to be, I feel these lines acutely. And Heltai's singing style is so laconic that the lyrics creep up on you. He's not overly emoting, just being very "this is my truth" about it, which makes the impact that much harder. He's one of our best right now, and this is without question my single of the year. [10]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Oh no! I think this song is sweet and meaningful and a beautifully honest rendering of trans and queer young adulthood but I also think it sounds like Mac DeMarco! Diversity win? [6]

Will Adams: There's an earnestness that elevates "25" above the more cynical spate of mental health pop songs we saw in the late '10s, and a warm pop-rock arrangement is always welcome. But I'm 31 now; while I still struggle with how to just live in this world -- we all do -- I've aged out of this particular mode of struggle, which verges on the naive. All I can do is take comfort in its existence; what "Vermillion" was for me at a point in my life, "25" will be for someone out there. [6]

Oliver Maier: I tried for a moment to think of what genre you would call this, but truth be told it just sounds like Spotify to me. It's Vibe-core. Soulful but not effortful indie rock-lite that's always home by curfew. I feels like it's everywhere, but I couldn't name another song that does it because they all feel so disposable (probably something by Rex Orange County; if not patient zero, he's surely a super-spreader). And Izzy is trying to sing about something of enormous importance on the bridge here! Why do this topic such a disservice with such nothing music and self-infantilising lyrics? The way he punctuates the god-forsaken therapist line with a seltzer spray of guitar noise (wake up!!! Mental health is happening!!!) makes me groan. 25 is not too old to have a little more imagination. It's too old to be singing like that, though. [1]

Vikram Joseph: A neat way to recalibrate yourself in time is to remember all the things you worried you might be too old to do 5 years ago, and then to think about how young your 5-years-ago self seems to you now, and then to think about how young your current self will seem to you in 5 years time. Izzy Heltai talks himself round in a similar way on "25", a sweet and wholesome (if slightly unadventurous) bit of country-pop. It's all lolloping guitar and creaky synth, gentle and comforting, at least until Heltai reminds us that "trans kids normally don't get this far." [6]

Ian Mathers: It'd be real easy for me, a cishet white dude who remembers 25 and also remembers not having a lot of 'real' problems at 25, to shrug off this guy worrying that he hasn't done enough at that age. But even if things didn't feel different in general in 2023 (and they do!), Heltai takes time in this sweet and charming song to make explicit why my demographic peers should maybe shut up and think about it a bit: "Guess I'm pushing all my luck/Living past my life expectancy/'Cause trans kids normally don't get this far." It can take a lot to actually feel like you've still got time. "25" is lovely because it feels like, even if just recently, Heltai knows he does. [7]

Hannah Jocelyn: "Why do I try so hard?" I'm working four jobs, and it's not enough; I'm lucky to have a supportive family and supportive friends, I'm lucky in so many ways. I have people telling me I'll get there someday, but it's a ticking clock, isn't it? We know where the country's going; who knows how much time we have left regardless of age. On the bridge of the year, Izzy Heltai says: "Guess I'm pushing all my luck/Living past my life expectancy/'Cause trans kids normally don't get this far/That's why I try so hard." I wasn't sure I'd get this far, either; my egg cracked at 17, and it took the world ending at 22 for me to pursue transition. Sure, I had the privilege of passing as a cis guy, but ask anyone who really knew me and it did not outweigh the suffering I felt. Even now, I have trouble thinking about a five-year plan because I don't know what life will look like for people like me and Izzy in the future. So I find the purposeful naivety of this song affecting; we're going to keep on going anyway and inspiring one another, fuck you. "25" isn't a masterpiece; the production is pristine but uninspired adult alternative (give or take some distorted guitars and a pretty chorused bit at the end), and the pacing of the song is too slow even if the bridge pays it off beautifully. But it doesn't need to be a colossal achievement. We're just trying to live. [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: The perfect soundtrack to an award-winning, coming-of-age tearjerker premiering at Sundance. [2]

Katherine St Asaph: His heart is in the right place, and his guitars eventually get there. "25" is self-released, so I'm sure this is exactly the sound he wants to make. But as the Mandy, Indiana single demonstrated, it's possible to have both a message and an instrumental that doesn't sound like James Blunt. [3]

Taylor Alatorre: At first this comes across as a less knotty and warbled take on Pinegrove's emo-Americana fusion, though the unaffectedness of the writing tells me Heltai likely arrived at this synthesis independently. Then that classic alt-rock crunch drops in, with a tone that says "hey, I don't usually use guitars like this in my music, so you'd better listen up." It's a good way to mirror the shifting worries and impulses depicted in the lyrics, without veering too far away from one particular headspace in one particular moment. Unlike the most famous emo-adjacent song about being 25 and aimless, the mood here is more reflective than exhortatory, with an unhurried pace that matches the implied conversational tone between Heltai and his mother. [7]

Brad Shoup: The plain-spoken nature of this--the genial self-deprecation, the way he names his fears with a shrug, the reminder to get some sleep--gets me thinking about those fantastic queer compilations that the Folkways label put together in the '70s and '80s. They're insular and open: a window to warm and messy worlds I will never truly know, but were everything to the musicians and their communities. It makes sense that the trickster coffeeshop-folk would be replaced with drawling adult alternative, and it's touching that Heltai sees the anthemic in such a straightforward text. I hope he's singing this for decades. [7]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: "25" comes from that feeling where you look around at everyone else enjoying a pleasant day and wonder if you're the only one gripped with anxiety inside about things you've put off or forgotten to do. It comes from that feeling where even after you've done the work of rejecting toxic stress and begun defining success your own way, you still feel self-conscious about your life decisions; where you feel genuinely happy for your peers upon learning about their accomplishments, but secretly and ashamedly wonder how they've all managed to reach their full potential, while your own dreams feel like a perpetual work-in-progress. It's a feeling that one day you realized your other queer friends had too, each of you gripped with the pressure of proving your own happiness and worth in a society that denied your very existence. When Izzy Heltai sings, it feels like he's one of those friends, reminding you that you're not alone. Set to an ambling beat, each confessional is accompanied by the crescendo of a lazy guitar. I hear serious healing and self-care in his voice, even as he conversationally shares interventions from his mom and therapist or casually mentions being a trans kid who didn't think he'd make it to adulthood. I turned 27 last month, officially entering into the late 20s. As an adult, I often experience happiness and community my younger self couldn't have even imagined. But on my worst days, I still feel like I'm constantly chasing a future version of myself--and I'm exhausted by that chase, and scared that I'll never stop feeling that way. I'm also a high school teacher who runs a GSA, seeing the cycles of how young queer kids mask their insecurities by pushing themselves to be the best, setting themselves up for standards they'll later need to unlearn. I want them to hear this song and o know that they're enough the way that they are and they don't have to try so hard--and I want to believe those messages for myself. The most powerful message of "25" is about extending ourselves grace. We will never run out of time to become who we truly want. [10]

Nortey Dowuona: We both got a lot of time left. [10]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

[roucacia]

this actually reminds me of when i was seeing my old therapist back last year (over the phone because i don’t do video therapy anymore) and i told him i changed my pronouns. he was like oh? and i was like yeah i use they/she now.

we move on i start talking about something else and like 2 min in i realize he hasn’t been saying anything so i’m like, hey, you still there? and so genuinely, in the most bewildered tone, he tells me… i’m just trying to understand your pronouns. and i’m like, you’ve never heard of they/them pronouns before?? because i know he doesn’t live under a rock. and he’s like well yes but this is different. how does it work if there’s no second one.

at this point i’m on the edge of my seat wondering what could possibly come out of his mouth next and he’s like… if it’s only “they” and “she” but no “them” or “her.” how does it work. i still think about this. he was really trying his best. this is the cishet white man lifestyle.

[glittertimes]

This breakup was a particularly weird one to process because I knew when I broke up with him I was saying no to a lot more than just him. It was like giving up the world I thought I wanted, for real this time.

I've said this so many times but before this relationship I avoided men like the plague, I didn't date them, I didn't even have cishet men friends really. Something in me knew I wouldn't get along with them and a relationship with them wouldn't be fulfilling.

But my parents were so religious and I'd watch my friends and family be in straight relationships and get married and I assumed I'd just have to do that. I had friends who literally looked down on me because I wasn't dating men, and so I guess I just internalized that I needed to date men, even if it wasn't super fulfilling to me.

But the whole time I was in this relationship my body was screaming at me, like I got so many food intolerances, I was dizzy all the time, I felt so weird and confused and alienated from everyone.

And when I broke up with him it was like I couldn't deny it anymore, he kept asking for a second chance and to me that felt like I'd just be putting myself back in a cage.

I told my therapist "I'm not crying because of the breakup, I'm healing from what happened in the relationship because the breakup was a good thing."

And it all made me feel even more alienated because I couldn't describe what I was going through to anyone.

But the one thing I didn't really mourn was losing that idea of what I thought I wanted I guess, I was sad that I lost my friends and that I'd have to figure out life on my own.

But the one thing keeping me from identifying as a lesbian and understanding that I really don't like men, was that I felt it wouldn't be safe to be a lesbian because of my family and because my ptsd and autism make it so hard from me to be financially independent. I thought I needed someone to care for me because I wouldn't be able to do it.

But the reality was I was so unsafe in that relationship with a man, that denying who I was just put me in even more unsafe situations.

And all of the betrayal that happened in the relationship pushed me to trust in myself. It was like "Okay I don't like men, now what?" "Okay I have to do this on my own, now what?"

My ex and my friends may have lied to me for months, but I wasn't going to lie to myself anymore, I just accepted it all.

My life may not be what everyone expects of it but it at least it will be a lot more fulfilling and authentic.

[intothehedgemaze]

I mean, yeah, that absolutely is conversion therapy. My therapist told me I wasn’t gay, I was afraid of men. She may not have advertised herself as a conversion therapist, but her behavior was such that she believes queerness needs to be corrected. Just because someone isn’t advertising themselves as converting people, affiliated to a church, whatever doesn’t mean that they aren’t putting forth the same views and hoping to therapize you into saying you’re cishet actually. People like this can and should be reported if they are licensed!

Thinking about the “get therapy” insult antis tend to like throwing at people again and how the responses to it just aren’t satisfying (I mean the responses of ‘it’s an insult to them bc they associate therapy with becoming normal’ and/or ‘antis don’t understand how therapy actually works when they say this’). And I’m just left here with… ‘but that was therapy for me, as a kid/teen, professionals did think any sign of queerness was an illness (this was in the mid 2010s for reference).’ This sort of punitive ‘therapy’ that some antis post about does exist, and it’s not necessarily just conversion therapy.

Not sure if this is the sort of ask you’d respond to or post, but I wanted to send it in anyways.

.

[thatlesbiancrow]

people are pissing me off on tiktok again!!

apparently the "is queer still a slur" discourse is going around on there!

[divorciada]