#my brains been wanting to kill my mental health for the past week.

[willowve01]

Hear me out.

A Gator Boy as Godzilla and Bug as Mothra.

I’m sick and exhausted and this is the shit my brain comes up with instead of letting me sleep.

[pupkou]

i’m literally going to **** ******

[kpop-s-akura]

Like to Be You || b.cc

TEASER / Release Date: TBD

🌸Pairing: Bang Christopher Chan x fem!Reader 🌸Description: You and Chris have been dating for roughly half a year, not very long by most people's standards.

As expected in a relationship between an idol and a college student (and relationships in general), there's obstacles to overcome and things to learn, but you know you love each other very much — and love should be enough. And yet, there comes a breaking point and your and Chris' relationship hits a wall, as you two don't yet understand what it's like to be the other. 🌸Genre (s)/Content: SFW; angst; established relationship; curse words; mentions of familial issues; these will be added to and(/or) edited in the final work!

🌸Teaser Word Count: 540

🌸A/N: At the end; was too long lol

Happy reading!🖤🖤

🎶Now Playing:🎶 Like to Be You (feat. Julia Michaels) by Shawn Mendes

❀❀❀

��All right everybody, that’ll be all for today. I’ve uploaded the outline and I’ll see you all for the midterm; study hard!” The bustling of the students around me mingled with the low playing music that flowed through my earbuds — but neither did anything to distract me from the pounding headache that thumped my brain for the past day. 

Week. Month, more like it.

Ever since the professors had us start thinking about our midterms and semi-preparing for them, it’s like a fire lit under my ass and I felt it in my temples.

While I wasn’t pulling all-nighters to study (yet) and explicitly killing myself over the prospective tests (yet), I was stressed to hell in a way I couldn’t even fathom.

Was it because the school made an internal error, and now our midterms were weeks earlier than other colleges?

It’s inconvenient, but there wasn’t much I could do about it.

I mean I am in my senior year. But it wasn’t even my final midterm, I still have another in March; thank fuck the school didn’t screw up both testing dates.

Perhaps the ugly feelings of my depreciating status with my mom was still busting my back. Was I not as truly indifferent to what was going on? 

Not like I thought I was.

My mom and I disagreed on many things, including how I would continue on with my life. It made for quite the strain on our bond and my mental health for a bit.

It was upsetting, but I adapted to our new dynamics and I often try to not think about it.

There was also the situation of my full-time job, which wasn’t offering me any rest from the business of school. 

I had been working at the same department store for almost my entire college career, and I got promoted to manager status because of that.

So it wasn’t a matter of first-day (or even first-year) nervousness, it was just an adult job that gave me adult stress and adult anger.

There were many other problems going on in my life, substantial and infinitesimal, but I never once considered my relationship with Chris to be one of them.

Bang Christopher Chan. Stage name, Bangchan.

Leader of fourth generation K-pop boy group and global sensation: Stray Kids.

Never, in my wildest dreams — even the ones I had during a fever — did I imagine myself dating an idol.

While I rarely ever listened to K-pop before, I did like a couple of songs and recognized the occasional idol thanks to friends who were a part of the fandom; of which almost all were Stays.

And it’s not like Stray Kids weren’t one of the biggest names in South Korea, at the time. I could usually recognize their faces from the numerous billboards, media ads, or pictures my friends would show me.

But at first, I didn’t recognize Chris.

In the middle of the National Museum of Korea, amidst the dozens — maybe even hundreds, that day — of visitors, it’s no wonder he had his identity wrapped up so tightly.

Unfortunately, when you’re a global superstar like Chan, you’re bound to be recognized in public by one of your superfans.

And that’s how we crossed paths.

❀❀❀

🌸A/N: Happiest birthday to my dear, Channie!!!!🥳🎂🎊🎉

In America at least lol.

I wanted to post this for his birthday, but many complications happened (including, but definitely not limited to, Hurricane Helene). Even now, I'm posting this much later than I originally meant to🫠🫠🫠

Regardless, I'm happy to post this teaser for his special day instead☺️ I have no idea when this'll actually be posted, I'm crossing my fingers for it to be before the end of October, but I have much more free time to work on it as I'm on an extended break!

Happy birthday again to my special boy!🥰🫶

[chuplayswithfire]

Im sorry about this i need to rant. I thought things were getting better but Izzy stan Twitter is at it again with their whining, truth bending and self-victimising.

'Do you like OMFD but wish the queer disabled hero didnt die?' IZZY IS NOT THE HERO OF THIS SHOW!!!!! He is at best a reformed antagonist. What an insult to the other disabled characters, and what about the actual heroes of the show??

'We've been betrayed by straight man writing queer stories'. First of all, way to dismiss the other writers. Also, its not his fault you project your personal traumas and mental health on a fictional character on a show with death in the title.

'GB's ending is comphet (?????) because 'we only need eachother' and theyre breaking away from their queer community' ED HAS BEEN WANTING TO LEAVE PIRACY SINCE LAST SEASON!!! also, its progress that Stede was able to resist basic flattery. And David made it clear that they still have work to do. This one truly broke my brain.

Im just sick of all this. Izzy stans have been coddled for the past week, being told its ok to grieve, but theyve crossed multiple lines. I do wish some things had been more explicit in this finale, only because David overestimated the maturity and media literacy of some people.

Sorry for this but i needed to talk to people here. Its beyond annoyance at this point. Im angry and sick of petty crybabies actively working to poison what we've built.

go off anon my inbox is open to your ranting let the rage flow through you [insert palpatine dot gif] but ngl the best thing you can do is just block liberally. block everyone. block left, right, center. do not be merciful. do not hold back. block until the ceiling comes down!!

because like, some of these fans have spent the last 18 months convincing themselves that their little guy was of equal importance to the main characters, the secret third protagonist, and he just got put in a box.

🎶izzy's in a box 🎶izzy's in a box🎶izzy's in a box🎶

izzy was never a hero of this show. he was a villain and then a side character on a rushed arc to redemption for the specific purpose of making him into the kind of man who could apologize to ed for being a shit. but that's hard to swallow for people who were convinced he was always right, so. also let's be honest: they don't give a shit about the other disabled people on this show. a bunch of them were trying to figure out a way for it to be wee john who was killed, and kristian is actually a queer disabled actor. they're just mad it was their little guy who they latched onto.

also yeah like four of the writers are nonbinary people of color, and there's definitely more queer writers on the team, but somehow this was totally the decision of a straight white guy. alright folks come on now to quote your idol pack it in.

gentlebeard's ending is them deciding to give their relationship a go in a more relaxed and sedate environment than the high stress locale of a pirate ship. their friends ARE going to come see them again. just because they don't all live together in the same frat house i mean ship doesn't mean they're suddenly forever alone. also there is nothing comphet about shacking up with your gay lover in a soon to be literal loveshack.

but like you can't expect these folks to care about ed or stede or gentlebeard or anything that doesn't center their white man of choice. the only thing you can do is block because anyone still throwing a fit a week later is simply not worth it.

no need to apologize anon. return to my inbox whenever.

[copperbadge]

Radio Free Monday

Good morning everyone, welcome to Radio Free Monday! Sorry it's on Tuesday...the day off yesterday messed up my brain!

Ways to Give:

awheckery linked to a fundraiser their friend Bill has organized for burial expenses and a memorial service for Jean, a trans activist who recently passed. You can read more and support the fundraiser here.

Anon linked to a fundraiser for ladyyatexel, who is currently unemployed and needs to raise $2500 to cover rent and expenses for January and February; you can read more, reblog, and support the fundraiser here.

Anon linked to a fundraiser for Hunter, who needs help paying for specialist surgical treatment for her basset hound Myrtle's severe glaucoma; they're also trying to defray costs of previous treatments. You can read more and support the fundraiser here.

Anon linked to a fundraiser for sovay, whose cat recently passed from kidney disease; they're raising funds to cover treatment expenses prior to Autolycus's passing. You can read more and support the fundraiser here.

News To Know:

Anon wanted to let people know about Duck Prints Press, a small indy press that specializes in queer stories, including a lot of short fiction and anthologies published through Kickstarter; they've published queer fanworks based on Much Ado About Nothing and The Three Musketeers, among others. They're running a campaign right now called Aether Beyond the Binary, featuring nonbinary protagonists in aetherpunk (magic-tech fusion) worlds. You can read more at their site or support their Kickstarter here.

Recurring Needs:

rilee16 is raising funds to cover utilities, to afford medication and possibly an upcoming move without local support and with short paychecks; their roommate, who in the past has been physically aggressive, has destroyed some of their belongings and stolen controlled medications. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

thelastpyler is raising funds for food for the week and medication for their sister; you can read more, reblog, and find giving information here.

chingaderita's partner's family house recently caught fire and completely burned, killing his grandmother and causing extensive property loss; he has also recently lost his job due to the fire, and a number of family members have since become ill. They're raising funds to keep food on the table, and get their partner mental health aid, and now are looking at doctor's bills for medical treatment. You can read more, reblog, and support the fundraiser here.

thegeeksqueaks is a high school science teacher (who has fundraised previously for supplies and comfort items for her students, particularly her neurodivergent and queer students) who has been seeking a diagnosis for ongoing migraines, vertigo, and head pain for most of the year; she now has a diagnosis and a procedure date, but needs to raise $1.5K to cover the post-insurance payment estimate. You can read more, reblog, and find giving information here, give via Paypal here, and give via Venmo here.

And this has been Radio Free Monday! Thank you for your time. You can post items for my attention at the Radio Free Monday submissions form. If you're new to fundraising, you may want to check out my guide to fundraising here.

[crazylittlejester]

gonna melt with all these gifts of writing you have bequeathed the world this day

(i went to bed early last night so i woke up to your Apples and Oranges and now i get to read Trouble with Words before going to bed tonight.)

truly, a gift to the universe. hope youre taking care of yourself !!

(i keep wanting to write a thing but i only think about it / get inspo when i am sitting in front of a school assignment 😭)

ALKJLKSJS AAAAH I’M GLAD YOU LIKED EM! i genuinely have been feeling so so bad for not being able to write and share my stuff with y’all, it feels like i haven’t really been reliably sharin’ stuff since like… march, maybe. and somehow during the past month or so when i’ve been trying to take a break from writing and focus on my mental health, i just started getting really really anxious about ever posting again. I literally don’t know why, but for the past like, three weeks the thought of posting anything at all, full fics or mini fics, has freaked me out so so bad. So it really means a lot that people have been enjoying these little writing exercises i’ve been sharing, because they’ve been a way for me to readjust to character dynamics and get back into the writing habit, but also it’s been nice to just post something small and not a huge full length fic, because i think if i’d gone from nothing to dropping a full fic the anxiety would fucking kill me. like the writing exercises don’t feel so serious to me, they feel like small and silly and goofy, and i don’t feel as anxious about them not being perfect haha, and it seriously means the world to me that y’all like em so much

DEADASS I 100% BELIEVE IN MY HEART A MAJOR REASON IVE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH WRITING FICS IS BECAUSE I USED TO WRITE THE MAJORITY OF THEM WHILE ACTIVELY IN THE FUCKING LECTURE HALL- LIKE MY WRITING ENVIRONMENT CHANGED AND NOW IM STRUGGLING :( i totally get ya dude, there’s just something about school work that makes the brain go “oh my god fic ideaaaaa”

[babymetaldoll]

"Broken" (Spencer Reid x fem!reader)

A/N: my dearest friend @all-tings-gubler sent me this pic and told me how much it made her think of Spencer and reader from my series Do I wanna Know. So I wrote her a little blurb about them <3 Hope you enjoy it!!

Word count: 1.5K

Pairing: Spencer Reid x (platonic) reader

Summary: Spencer daydreams of a life with his best friend.

Warnings: None, just fluff. Maybe Spencer feeling too much sorry for himself.

Wanna know how this ends for Spencer and his friend? Read my series here! it's awesome! and also, there is a sequel coming soon!!

Masterlist

I have been on medical leave for the last five days, and the pain is already driving me insane. I’ve refused to take any painkiller after I got shot in the leg during a case, due to my past with Dilaudid. So in the last week, I’ve learned a completely new definition of the concept of pain.

I’ve been locked in my apartment reading, doing crosswords and puzzles, basically killing time and trying not to go insane. I crave work, but most of all, I need to feel useful again. I haven’t been alone, though. My best friend and colleague (Y/N) moved in with me for a few days to help me around the house. That makes everything worse. She is my best friend, my rock, my everything. I love her. I am in love with her. But I haven’t told her. The entire opposite, as a matter of fact, I’ve denied this feeling and ran away from it for over four years now.

Four years.

I love her, and here I am, pretending she is nothing but my friend. Life is pain, Spencer Reid. This leg is just a reminder.

- “Here honey, I made you some tea”- I hear her whisper as she walks towards me and leaves a warm cup of herbal tea on the table next to my couch, where I’ve been pretending to read for the last hour. In real life, my head has been registering everything she has been doing around the house. She did laundry and baked some cookies. A part of my brain keeps making me think she is my wife, my girlfriend, or my lover. My significant other, taking care of me. But that is not real. She is my friend. Just my friend. Stop it, Spencer, you are pathetic!

-“Thank you”- I whisper and smile at her as she stares at me, waiting for a reply.

-“I was thinking after your tea, we could go out for a little while. Maybe go to the park.”- she smiles and I just stare at her, not knowing what to answer. I don’t wanna go out, I don’t wanna move, every movement hurts. But then again, how can I say no to her?

-“I… I’m not…”

-“Come on, you have been locked here for five days already. You need some vitamin D. You don’t even have to walk, we can take the wheelchair.”

-“No! I’m not handicapped!”- my voice might have come a little harder than I intended, and I blame my ego for that. I don’t want her to see me in a wheelchair. Ever.

-“I know you are not, honey. I’m just saying you could use it today to go out.”

-“I don’t need it. I can walk on my own.” (Y/N) stares at me in silence for a moment, analyzing my face and her options, I guess.

She doesn’t push me anymore. Instead, she walks to the kitchen and brings a bowl with some homemade cookies. My favorite oatmeal cookies, as a matter of fact. I grab one and watch her smiling as she sits by my side and takes her copy of Wuthering Heights. We both just stay in silence for a while. I sip my tea and keep pretending to read, flipping the pages every few seconds. But I really can’t concentrate right now. Maybe staying at the apartment the entire time is not really a good idea. Maybe going out could be actually beneficial for my mental health.

-“Fine”- I whisper after a few minutes and she raises her eyes from her book, smiling- “But no wheelchair.”

-“Deal! but if you are in pain, you have to tell me right away.” I nod and sip my cup of tea again, watching her move from the couch and back to the kitchen, announcing it’s cold and we could bring some coffee and snacks to the park. I argue and tell her we can buy some, but she says it’s not necessary. She baked cookies, and coffee will only take a few minutes to brew. Meanwhile, I carefully take my crutches and walk to my room slowly to grab a sweater and put on my shoes.

-“Do you wanna take your book to the park?”- I hear her asking from the living room, and her voice is so happy and eager, I can’t help but agree.

Walking down the three floors is a nightmare. But still, I try my best not to show how much this hurts. Instead, I focus on (Y/N)’s hand on my arm as she helps me. The warmth of her touch and her soft whispers of encouragement, telling me I’m doing great, are all I need right now to make it to the first floor, even with a bullet wound in my leg.

-“Was that too hard, honey?”- she asks me the second we reach the sidewalk. I shake my head and smile a little, just to reassure her I am ok.

I hold onto my crutches tight as we make our way to the park. (Y/N) is holding a bag with food, coffee, and books. I hate these crutches ‘cos they physically stop me from holding her hand. Not that I do that a lot, but at least I wished I had the chance.

We sat on a bench in the park, near a dog playground. I start rambling facts about dogs for a while, sharing facts and stories with my best friends. She takes a bag of cookies from the bag and we share them over the conversation.

-“Would you like to have a dog, honey?”- (Y/N) asks me and sips her coffee.

-“I don’t know. I guess. You know I’ve never had one.”

-“I still can’t believe that! We all had dogs growing up”- I smile at her and she blushes, maybe a little embarrassed, because she knows what happened to me when I was a kid and why I couldn’t have a dog. I had to take care of my mother as I grew up, and I couldn’t add more pressure to that situation.

-“I might give you one for Christmas this year.”- she adds and sticks out her tongue to me.

-“You are gonna be the one taking care of it if you do, chipmunk.”- I joke and she just laughs.

-“I know. But I love dogs, so I wouldn’t mind.”

We fall silent for a few minutes. I sip my coffee and focus my eyes on the dogs playing. I get lost in my mind after a few minutes, imagining a parallel reality, where me and (Y/N) are married and we are spending our Saturday at the park, walking our dog. We are sitting at this very same bench, looking at it playing with other dogs. Maybe (Y/N) is pregnant, and we are expecting our first kid. Her hands would rub her round belly lovingly. I would wrap an arm around her as I read a book, feeling her resting her head on my shoulder. I would kiss the top of her head every once in a while, because I know if I ever do that once, I won’t ever be able to stop. If I ever kiss her lips, I won’t have the will to move away from her ever again. I would be doomed. I sigh and keep my eyes glued to the horizon as (Y/N) keeps reading and drinking her coffee. If we were married, we would keep coming back to this park, maybe with our kids. Our dog would be older now, so it would sit by our side and watch our babies playing. They would be as gorgeous as (Y/N). I imagine a little girl and a baby boy playing on the grass by our side. I would show them bugs and teach them everything about nature and animals. (Y/N) would bring little juice boxes for them, and we would share a little picnic.

That future seems as sweet as impossible. I don’t even wanna run the odds on that. I just wanna enjoy the idea of us being a family, even if I know that would never ever happen. Just the dream of those kids calling me dad is enough to make me happy.

-“Look at you, you're smiling. I missed that”- (Y/N) says and giggles as she stares at me. Of course, I never realized I was in fact ginning as I stared at the dogs, daydreaming of our fictional future together.

-“Yes. I just was…”- I pause and turn to her. Her eyes are shining as she stares at me, waiting for my answer. I simply chuckle and shake my head. I can’t tell her what is making me feel happy right now, instead, I just say:

-“I’m just enjoying being here. Thank you for convincing me to get out of the house.”

-“Anytime you want, honey.”- she says and returns to her book. I sigh and grab the one on my lap. Right, no dog, no kids, no wife. But at least I have her in my life.

Taglist General

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @all-tings-diego @babebenhardy

@archer561 @muffin-cup @alfonsais @cynbx @louderfortheback

Taglist Spencer

@calm-and-doctor @malboroniights @lovejules888

Taglist DIWK

@tvandfanfic @big-galaxy-chaos @shilohpug @eternalharry @tvandfanfic @fandomtrash2405 @eyakoroleva @nani-2305

[gurugirl]

Guru! Angel love!! I've been slowly catching up with your writing and it's so good. I've been way behind but now the project I'm working on is over so I have time to breathe finally. I also subscribed to your patreon because I adore you and what you write.

The Trapper was so sweet. That was such a good story and I've never read anything like it before. I love your brain. Maybe Fate might be the cutest thing I've read. Harry is so hot. Also??? Ex boyfriend's dad? I'm obsessed. So looking forward to seeing the next part.

How has your week been? How is school? I know you said you've been busy with a class. I think you're killing it! Keep up the good work!

I'm also here because I want to vent. My girlfriend and I have been together for three months and two weeks ago I missed one of her texts to me. She needed me to pick her up but I didn't see it because I was with my brother (skipping boring details) and she was so mad at me. I didn't see her text until later that night and at first she was mad and wanted to talk about why I didn't see it and accusing me of things that were just not true.

And I thought we were working it out but now she won't call or text or anything. I'm devastated. I know I should just move on. Her anger toward me was unjustified and the sudden silent treatment is worse than her being made. I don't know what to do. Logically I know what to do. I've been giving her space but now this just feels mean. I'm so sad.

Sorry to dump my issues on you. I just wanted to get it out. It's been very hard on me not knowing why she's not talking to me anymore suddenly. I mean I get the argument we had but I thought we were moving past it and she believed me when I told her what happened.

Hi babe! First of all, thank you so much! This is so nice to hear 🥺 I appreciate your support so so much. The Trapper is one of my faves too 🥺 And I've just been loving writing ex-boyfriend's dad harry! So happy you like them!!

As for your girlfriend being upset with you over something you didn't do? It's possible she has trust issues and this is her problem to get over. It's not yours, even though you are being directly affected by her insecurity.

However, the silent treatment is cruel and manipulative. It's totally fine for someone to need space to think about something but to keep it up is abusive and very damaging to a relationship. It means she isn't mature enough to understand how to communicate issues properly and healthily with you. If she really wants to keep you in her life she'll speak to you about the issue but it sounds like after her bout of anger she may still not believe you and therefore is now stepping away from the relationship bc silent treatment will very very quickly erode your trust as well. I think a lot of people see no harm in such a response but it's used to inflict pain and maybe she's looking for an apology from you which it doesn't sound like you owe her.

Check out this article by PyschCentral to read in lay terms about the affects of being ignored and given the silent treatment. I had this article on hand because I'm finishing up a psychology of communication class and this is a source I used for a paper I wrote a couple weeks ago. There are also links to studies within if you want to take it further.

Babe, we've all been given the silent treatment but for it to go on for this long is very hurtful. Last time this happened to me I recognized what they were doing, gave them many chance to speak with me, and then cut them off before it did more damage to me (I also apologized at one point even though, upon learning why they were giving me the silent treatment, I hadn't done the thing they thought I did - so their manipulation worked on some level). Don't allow your girlfriend to make you feel this way. You need to take care of yourself first. Your mental health comes first. I'd step away and try to move on if I were you. If she comes to you to talk, hear her out but she owes you a massive apology and it sounds like she has a bunch of maturing to do.

Good luck, babe!

xoxo

[navidoll]

please tell me more about wheelchair adora

So originally I found wheelchair Adora from a friend's fanfic

^ go read its vry good and gay

Anyway

So in this fic Adora becomes wheelchair bound from the aftereffects of the Heart, her body had a lot of strain put on it and her legs burn and give out from under her every time she tries to stand up. So she has a lil wheelchair to help her get around.

I really liked this idea so I went along with it, but I wanted to put my own spin on it, so now because of this ask I brainstormed with my friends to figure out a way that Adora became disabled, in my own au.

-content warning for panic attack description-

(Set during early season 4) So sometime in Brightmoon, everything is all find and dandy at dinner, and Adora is just gobbling up her food like she hasn't eaten in 2 years, before she starts having a coughing fit. It gets the attention of everyone at the table and people start getting concerned, and Adora excuses herself to go to the bathroom, but before she makes it to the door she promptly collapses and passes out.

Everyone is obviously freaking out, so Glimmer teleports her friend to the infirmary, where Adora ends up staying the night. Adora wakes up in lots of pain (poor bb) and the doctors run all sorts of tests on her and find out that she's been poisoned.

When Glimmer hears about this, she's very angry and collects all the cooks in Brightmoon to ask who did it. And surprisingly, someone answers. One of the new chefs admits to poisoning Adora's food on purpose, and they are soon fired, after a long discussion on why what they did was wrong. The chef told Glimmer they believed that Adora was still loyal to the Horde, and was trying to off her by their own means.

Back to Adora, she's in the infirmary for a few days before she's allowed to go to her own room to continue her treatment. Bow and Glimmer try to do everything they can for their ill friend, including sleepovers, trying to find ways to cure her poison, and even try magical healing. But nothing works, it only serves to worsen Adora's condition.

It's been a week and Adora is deathly ill. The poison has been in her system for too long and it's taken a toll on her body. She has bad nightmares and bags under her eyes, she's barely eaten anything in the past week, the nagging paranoia in the back of her brain telling her that someone is out to kill her. It doesn't help her mental health. She can't walk without help, and her limbs shake involuntarily at times. She's on strict bedrest. She-Ra has been doing her best to take care of Adora when her friends aren't there. Opting to cuddling, getting her water, and helping her walk and eat, and even bathing together.

Its been a rough week. She-Ra's worry for her friend only grows the worse her condition becomes. Until one day, something inside her remembers. Memories are hard to come by, so when She-Ra remembers Madame Razz has all sorts of medicinal herbs, she makes the descision of going out by herself to retrieve some.

She leaves a sweet note next to Adora's bed saying 'I'll be back soon, sweetheart. Keep the bed warm for me until I get back! <3' (Have I mentioned they're like a couple and use terms of endearment? But its like 'platonic' flirting and bantering, totally just friends) Adora reads it and blushes at the pet name, and cuddles her handmade She-Ra plushie.

She-Ra visits Razz and pretty much cries because she hasn't seen her friend in so long. They have a nice long hug and catch up a bit before she mentiones that Adora's been poisoned and is dying. Razz says to not worry and goes to her little shelf and grabs a few jars and mixes a few ingredients up in her little mixing bowl. She puts the mixture in a little baggie and hands it to She-Ra and gives her a warm smile. She-Ra holds the bag like her life depends on it. After a little more talking She-Ra thanks Razz and leaves to go back to Brightmoon. After inspecting the contents in the bag she recognizes it as tea. An old recipe that even she doesn't know.

When She-Ra gets back to the bedroom she notices Adora had fallen back to sleep cuddling her She-Ra plushie looking absolutely exhausted. She can't help but feel adoration for this girl. After standing there for a little too long looking at Adora, she goes to the tea nook next to the bathroom, and prepares some hot water. She puts the ingredients from the bag into a small tea strainer, and waits for it to seep into the hot water.

When the tea is ready, she gently wakes up Adora, smiling at her and saying 'Good morning, sleepyhead.' Adora gives her a weak smile, before looking what's in She-Ra's hand. She-Ra helps her sit up so that Adora can drink the tea at a better angle. Adora wordlessly drinks the tea and notices it had a slight bitterness to it, but its overall flavor is delicious. They sit and chat for a little, and Adora ends up drinking all the tea. She already feels better than she has all week. This stuff must be magic, she concludes.

Her eyelids fall closed, and they stay that way for a few weeks. Adora had fallen into a coma. And it worried all her friends, and the alliance. Adora had always been a key member at meetings and missions, it was strange to have her presence not be there. While Glimmer and Bow and the others were out fighting the Horde, Adora was in the infirmary, recovering from the poison in her system.

She-Ra had been by her side the whole time. She had nothing else to do, but she wanted to stay by her side. It was her duty to protect Adora. Even if she feels like she failed on that part.

When Adora woke up, her entire body was sore, but she felt a lot better. Her muscles didn't move on their own, she could sit up on her own, except-

She couldn't feel her legs, they didn't respond to her.

Adora's chest felt tight, and she spiraled at the implication alone. What will she do now? Can she even fight like this? Will her friends hate her for being disabled? Will they leave her? It was all too much for her, and she hyperventilated and screamed her lungs out. She-Ra was there to bring her back to reality, and comfort her like no one else could.

It wasn't the end of the world for Adora, but the news that she had permanent nerve damage to her lower half meant that she would never be able to walk again. It changed her life completely.

She soon got a wheelchair and when Bow and Glimmer saw her, she cried on the spot. She felt like a failure and a burden. They both gave her a hug and reassured her that everything would be okay, and she believed them.

If only things got better from there.

Anyway! I hope u enjoyed this little story, I'm definently going to be exploring it more and drawing more Wheeldora. She is everything to me. She-Ra takes care of her whenever she can but not to a suffocating degree, Adora still has her independence.

[cain-e-brookman]

Weekly Journal Entry 03.18.24: Mental illness and creativity.

So without delving too deep into all the things that are wrong with me, there’s something uniquely frustrating being a creative with Mental Health Issues(tm). Not only the people who want to bring up Van Gogh’s yellow paint and how being an artist is a trade-off for having a brain that wants to kill you, blah blah blah, but also not…being able to create all the time. A bad focus day could mean you spend the remaining 5 hours after your shift ends endlessly scrolling because time stopped existing when you clocked out. A depressive episode could leave you catatonic. A manic episode leaves your WIP in the dust, and when you finally manage to come down you’re so fried all you can do is rest. Meds cost money. Insurance costs money. Your company only gives benefits to full-timers, so you use what little spoons you have for 40 hours a week so you can have the insurance that lets you keep your meds that keep you from falling into The Chasm.

I often feel frustrated that sometimes all I can manage in a week is to survive. 40 hours and insurance and meds to keep me afloat. I put my word count in where i can; I know I’m lucky. There are others who can’t do both, have to choose. I’ve felt powerless in the past. I know that giving up means putting myself in a hole I won’t climb out of. It’s hard, but I’m making an effort to get to where I want to be.

I started keeping notes. I write down weekly goals. I have alarms on my phone to keep time from disappearing. I check in with myself. Am I taking a break for rest or am I slipping into a depression? Am I being realistic or self-defeating? It’s not perfect, but I can see where I’m doing better.

This last year and a half has been one of the hardest of my life. I’m almost to a comfortable present, looking out for the potential of the future. There’s more on the horizon. Just gotta keep sailing west.

“I saw the future, I did,

and in it I was alive.”

“The Future,” Neil Hilborn

[six-of-ravens]

aloha friends and people who left annoying incorrect opinions on my posts, raistlin is a waif he is the waifiest waif it doesn't matter if his twin is a brick shithouse you are WRONG I am kinda sorta back. maybe only for one tipsy night, but who knows. listen, I'm 1.5 ciders in and feeling Properly Tipsy as opposed to last night when I drank jack and cokes for the first time in a while and just felt nauseous, so I'm Thriving atm. ANYWAY.

i feel like i have cleared some cobwebs from my brain. kind of. mostly i redownloaded bc i have the irresistible urge to natter about my life. tbh i considered deleting tumblr for a while bc there are some things about this site (but also social media in general) that annoy the absolute shit out of me, and also i feel like I dedicated too much ~mental energy~ to this site in the past (not to sound like some new age crackpot) and I need to cut down on how much scrolling and getting mad about other people's incorrect opinions I do. However, there are a few beloved mutuals on here that I miss talking to and also tumblr is kinda Home, y'know?

anyway TLDR I'm back, kinda. might still delete the app during the day so I can focus on IRL shit instead of being a zillennial social media addict, so I apologize if I miss messages etc but. yeah. for the sake of my mental health I have to be better at self-policing. Also, no longer going to allow myself to use the For You tab, so sorry if I don't see your posts bc tumblr only served them there. I can't control it lmao. frankly the algorithm here just ain't good enough and I don't want to cry AGAIN bc a video of a naked woman jiggling her stomach with a caption about how much she hates herself and wants to lose weight came up on my feed. Frankly since this is tumblr I'm not sure if that's porn or self-harm, but either way, fuck off with that shit, man! I kinda hate my body too and I don't wanna see that!! I don't want that in my brain!! Hence why I quit and went to ig-only for a while. My IG is all pottery and miniatures and painting and European travel vlogs it's so PEACEFUL!

now onto the fun stuff, a list of things I consider interesting that happened in the past 3ish weeks:

have done a whole lot of reading lately: Homesick for Another World by Ottessa Moshfegh which is weird and off-putting by very worth reading, then a reread of the Unicorn series by Vicki Blum (always a delight) and finishing Princess Jellyfish (there's quite the plot twist in the last few books but overall it's a delightful series), then my hold for Please Kill Me: The Uncensored Oral History of Punk came up (extremely interesting and worthwhile read, especially after listening to the No Dogs in Space punk series, very sad ending though bc of course a lot of the punk musicians passed away young), and now I'm rereading The Mermaid's Secret and The Dragon Prince by Vicki Blum as a palate cleanser, and then hopefully I'll start the LoTR reread I've been meaning to do for a while. So yeah I read like 16 books in 3 weeks. this is the power of quitting social media.

Also I've kinda discovered that I'm just pretty... disenchanted with all book-fandoms online. it's just so...kinda annoying? nowadays? just the same old drama over and over and I don't caaaare lol. Read what you want, at whatever speed you want, idc, none of it matters. I read for funsies after work. Some people read 24/7 because being a book blogger is their career. Some people are 17 and still have the mental stamina to read a 500 page book in 2 days. Idgaf if you read Maas or Austen or Sanderson or whatever, there's no moral high ground (except maybe not giving Sanderson money bc WOW BYU is a shitty organization). Also I don't necessarily want other people's opinions on what I read or if a book I just bought has "mixed reviews" or whatever (unless the person is a mutual whose opinions I value lol). So I might start posting on the book blog again but just....not interact with booklr. Torn between the desire to communicate with others and the desire to keep my hobby all to myself and free from unnecessary judgement or bullshit.

Finally rearranged my bookshelves, by ~vibe or whatever~. Might post photos tomorrow but the living room is once again in a state of chaos since I started gardening today.

On that note, started my garden! planted some veggies, herbs, and a whole boatload of tomatoes in seedling trays (listen, MacKenzie seed were on sale 3/$5 today at the store and I'm weak for weird tomato variants and herbs. Still need to find rosemary and fennel though). Have more stuff to do, but I'm going to give the seedlings a couple weeks to get started and then maybe plant everything else Easter weekend. Last year was nice, garden-wise, but this year I really hope we don't get 30C weather in May. My allergies cannot handle it 😭

saw the Alien/Aliens double feature our cheap theatre put on and it was a DELIGHT

we also got a record snowstorm that weekend, which sucked bc it was the same week I'd had a random friday booked off (previously for traveling with my aunt, very glad that was cancelled now) so I basically did none of the other things I had planned.

also after said double feature, had to make my first 911 call. luckily I rot my brain with true crime All Day Every Day so I handled it like a pro 😤 (i am fine it was for another person, and uh, it turned out to not be so serious once the emergency people were able to get them to stop crying hysterically and realized this poor person was just intoxicated, underdressed for the weather, and a bit lost)

discovered the health foods store near my place has a bunch of funky herbal teas for like $5.50 a box so I've been going a little nuts there. I LOVE FENNEL TEA IT'S SO GOOD. ALSO LAVENDER MY BELOVED! they also have a bunch of local coffee blends, and I'm seriously considering getting a coffee bean grinder so I can try them

saw Lisa Frankenstein the week after the Alien double feature at that same theatre, it was fucking excellent I laughed my ass off, also at that theatre you can get your ticket and snacks and drink for the same price as a Cineplex ticket, it's excellent

finally watched Saltburn, which was great. love the Donna Tartt vibes. i watched it while somewhat drunk off Soju, which I think is how it's meant to be viewed.

also started a Ghibli rewatch, to justify not cancelling my Netflix just yet (I know I know, I should but I technically can afford it and it's my emotional support streamer you know? how else am I going to instantaneously watch Gilmore Girls on a bad day?) So far I have only watched Kiki's Delivery Service lol

Also, funny anecdote: last week I got my period and was VICIOUSLY craving alcohol. like I went to the store and bought the most bizarre range of random things (soju, honey jack, and mead...and then proceeded to drink them at my normal rate lmao). Realized afterwards this is a combination of my usual craving for sweet things + my very stressed coworker constantly joking about how we need to crack a bottle of something when this stressful project is finished. At the time however I thought my uterus was trying to make me an alcoholic.

Did my budgeting with my new rent and discovered that I'm actually fine, because I had DOUBLED A NUMBER SOMEHOW! and I basically had $150/month freed up. I'm so smart. I continue to procrastinate my income tax though (shhhh I have another month....)

Started writing a vague story about two women hiking to a portal to elfland, which is located near an abandoned train station. There are cultists called vampires living at said train station who are such a fucking delight to write (not real bloodsucking vampires tho, they are currently eating paella 🥘). It's fun and weird and I'm having a good time with it.

started listening to a podcast called No One Should Believe Me about cases involving Munchausens by Proxy, which is very interesting. the host has a sister with (alleged) MbP and genuinely wants to get her (and of course her kids) help, so it's actually a really good, compassionate take on an issue that's usually played for shock value. I have to listen to it slowly though bc it's Heavy

started knitting again! made 1 dishcloth and started a second. have decided I'm going to take these into work when I have a few done. If my boss won't buy us proper cloths then I'll pawn my knitting practice off on them lol

there is a lot of early road construction near my office since, aside from that random snowstorm, it's been a mild early spring. be glad you haven't had to listen to me rant about that lol

finally bucked up and got a duvet cover for my comforter that was lowkey falling apart at the seams. it's a good comforter aside from some light "my washer is evil" damage so I'm happy I can stuff it into a (less expensive) duvet cover instead of having to replace the whole thing

[vizthedatum]

CW: vent post that includes mention of abuse and suicidal ideation (I’m having flashbacks and nightmares)

—

I can’t sleep. The more I’m safer and the more I actually realize how much better off I am, the more my brain comes online. Which means, I can access my memories and feel them.

I’m feeling all of it lately.

My period came in earlier today, and I also had therapy.

I am full on sobbing now… again.

In the fall/winter of 2022, I was teetering between giving up everything and trying to survive.

I’m sobbing because (and some of my close friends, my last three therapists, and my psychiatrist know this) if I hadn’t left my ex-spouse when I did (reluctantly and with the help of my friends), I would have absolutely killed myself.

I thought my life was over. I tried my best, this was the best it was ever going to get, and I was going to alienate all my friends, the people I was in love with, my family, and everyone else… to try to be with them and then eventually end it all.

Sometimes I felt like that’s what they wanted.

I remember the last week I was with them - they yelled and said so many hateful things to me, almost drove me out our home by inching me towards the door… after they were done, I retreated upstairs to the bathroom while they called their mom to complain about me. They were worried I was going to abuse my medication and wanted to take it away. Their mom told me they couldn’t take away my medication.

I mean, yeah, the level of psychosis and control and insecurity has gotten out of control. I felt so unsafe all the time. I was in a complete state of dysregulation myself - pleasure seeking and holding down my emotions while trying to figure out my next steps.

My whole body had a reaction. I was in autoimmune shock most of the time.

I couldn’t function when I was with them without self-medicating and being on so many psychiatric medications.

I loved them.

I felt so selfish wanting to end it all. I had another partner!!! I loved so many other people. How could I leave when I had begged my brother for the past decade to not kill himself?! How could I dare??

They wanted me to isolate for 30 days when I was last with them. They didn’t see me as a person at that point - they hurled contradictory statements.

I tried to be considerate of their mental health but they were painting me out to be the one who needed help and intervention… when I was having a reaction to them.

I loved them with all that I had.

And I loved other people who were letting me just be me - and a part of me resented that.

I hated who I was because it felt like my very being was the thing my ex-spouse couldn’t stand.

—

I’m crying less now. After writing all that.

I don’t hate myself now, and while life is still hard… it’s not like that. I don’t have someone actively hating and demeaning me.

And I have left so many old friends and flames who even hinted at disrespecting me.

I’ve been protecting myself. Hard.

It’s just that… I’m safe now and I don’t need to protect myself that hard anymore.

I’m letting go and integrating all at the same time. It’s painful because I realize how bad it was but how good it is now and how good it can be.

But I’m still heartbroken - I always will be. I’m heartbroken because I was so close to ending it all after all that I had survived (worse things than that relationship). I’m heartbroken because I’d have left and not told the person I loved that I loved them (and I guess I never did anyway because I was immature and knew it would end our friendship).

I’m heartbroken because I lost that person… my best friend, the supposed love of my life, and spouse… to save myself.

[symptoms-syndrome]

(tw brief mention of suicide attempt) I had a friend for a few years (since Jan 2020). They started telling me I was being a neglectful friend this past September. I had just flown across the country to see them a few weeks prior... they said for the last few months I had been short and canned responses and stuff and I was like idk I felt like we grew closer than ever this summer? I remember basically confessing my (platonic-ish-it's-weird-I'm-very-queer) love for them in July. we talked every day pretty much. I guess I was also incredibly sick and also moving house at the time, so maybe I was reaching out to them less? Anyway they disabled their account after leaving very long messages about a bunch of confusing stuff and saying they had to leave or they'd abuse me, but they also had issues abandoning people, so they would be back. That was like 5 months ago. Now they've popped up in my inbox again asking to reopen the conversation. A few weeks before they left, I told them the door would always be open and I'd still be their friend, which is true, I still feel that way. but I've been really struggling with my own mental health the last couple months. A ton of self-hatred/repressed stuff that's been festering since childhood. A few weeks ago my sibling tried to kill themself. so I am like... sure, I want to talk to my friend and hear them out. but if they just start laying blame on me again, I don't think I'll be able to handle it on top of everything else that I'm dealing with right now. I responded briefly to their message and basically said things are really rough for me right now and I'd reach out to them in a few days. IDK. I'm already tired from thinking about what they could say. That's it from me, you wanted tea, this is the newest development for me. say whatever or delete this ask. just???? ugh when it rains it pours

Nah NGL I would give them like. Very little grace at that point. But that's just me. Like. Put ur foot down, say that you have very little tolerance for Bull Shittery RN (in a nicer way, probs. Smth like "I'm very fragile RN") and if they're gonna pull stupid shit that you're gonna block them or w/e. It sounds to me like they don't appreciate the lengths ur going for them and that's smth they might have to learn the hard way.

Plus like. U can totes be their friend if u want and still say "hey if u pull bullshit w me I'm not gonna wanna talk to u. I wanna be ur friend but ur gonna have to act a friend bc this isn't a one way street."

Like I can understand where they're coming from, sometimes ur brain is a shithead and tells u ur friends hate u or whatever, but that's their problem not urs. Don't bend over backwards for someone who won't appreciate it. Plus IDK, sometimes showing that u rly mean it when u say u don't wanna hang w someone who's a dick to you actually makes smth click in their brain like "oh shit they're for real about this, I gotta change the way I act if I wanna keep this person around." And if they don't change. IDK man maybe they think of u as a particularly nice dartboard more than a good friend.

[cookinguptales]

That last post I just reblogged was fascinating to me because it was obviously a joke but it actually lined up so well with a common PMDD symptom of mine that I was writing about it in the tags. Then I kind of thought about it again and realized OP doesn’t deserve all that in the tags of their joke post so like. I guess I’ll put those thoughts here instead.

(under a cut, cw: frank discussion of mental illness)

Like I’ll warn here that I’m about to talk about mental illness in some pretty explicit terms. I have Premenstrual Dysphoria Disorder (in addition to Major Depressive Disorder) and for the most part I have a pretty good handle on it. My depression is treatment resistant, but I did some hormonal treatments for years to help with that, my endometriosis, and my menstruation-induced EDS complications.

(Have you ever had menstrual cramps so bad that it dislocated your hips and ribs? I have! Every goddamn month lmao.)

About a year and a half ago, I had to stop taking the hormones because they were honestly making certain things worse, so I had to kind of just. Figure out other ways to deal with it. Working with a doctor, a regimen of cannabis tea and ketamine has helped a lot with the physical symptoms, and has helped some with the emotional symptoms. It’s still not perfect (still get bad days sometimes) but my suicidality is way better than it was.

(People with PMDD are apparently estimated to attempt suicide seven times more than the general AFAB population so like. I guess that’s something to keep in mind.)

That said, my ketamine regimen was fucked up recently because of some issues at the doctor’s office and uh. Well, I’m still kind of building the levels back up. The past few periods have been very rough for me. Mostly physically, but I’ve had some emotional issues, too.

This month, my PMDD has been… I guess not as severe as it was in the past, but boy is it lingering. I’ve been very jittery, very anxious, prone to bad mental loops, etc. It’s been about a week at this point, which is on the long side, but you just gotta tough it out, right?

(Don’t worry, guys, I do know when to reach out for help when symptoms get bad, and have done it before in the past.)

Anyway… one of my least favorite symptoms has come out to play and I’m Dealing with it but I hate itttt. It’s the one that the post reminded me of! And that’s the one where you feel guilty for wanting people to love you.

I think… when you’re dealing with something difficult alone, it’s very normal to fantasize about someone helping you through it. Telling you you’re not a bad person, that they love you, hugging you, etc. Normal stuff like that. I think people sometimes use fictional characters, sometimes real people who love them (like family/friends), sometimes people they make up in their head, etc. I think fantasizing about comfort is fairly normal.

But when you’re in the trenches, your mind is like No It Is Not Normal It Is Bad. I have to remind myself that like… in some ways, it’s kind of like an abusive relationship. During bad PMDD spells, my mind wants to hurt me, it wants to kill me, and it wants to separate me from my support systems. Your brain tells you that burdening others with your feelings is Bad and you are Bad for doing it.

This makes it hard to reach out for help when you need it (again, I do know how to do that, I am safe, I know that I have people who would come to my house right now if I needed them to — and failing that, I do know how emergency mental health intake works, too) but also like… it often gets to the point where you feel like a terrible person for even wanting to be loved.

Like — this is hard to explain, so here’s a sample spiral.

(cw: mental illness, suicide mention. I’m going to try and be as realistic as possible here and that might be troubling for some readers.)

I am feeling bad. I am sad and anxious and scared and feel like I am worthless. I want someone to hold me and tell me they love me. I imagine a person I like doing this. I then think — no, you are a bad person. They would not want to do this. You are putting the burden of your feelings on some unsuspecting person again. It is unfair to use a real person as a mental support. You are forcing them into a situation they did not consent to, and you are using them as a crutch. You are a bad, selfish person and they would hate you if they knew you were doing this. You are asking for too much from the people around you; how dare you ask for love and support? You are worthless and no one will love you and imagining them loving you is unfair to them and frankly very invasive. You are being parasitical right now. Stop imagining people doing things they’d never want to do, you’re such a bad person. Don’t you care about their boundaries? Of course you don’t, you always hurt people because you’re selfish and bad and no one will ever like you. So stop imagining them liking you! Just kill yourself and get it over with, etc. You are a bad thing and bad things should go away and you should stop existing. Stop writing RPF about the people you like, that’s even worse than the crime of just being you. Just kill yourself.

And honestly, this will probably go on for a couple hours and there will probably be a lot of crying. >.> It’s good to keep electrolyte solution around because dehydration just makes it worse.

I’ve dealt with MDD for almost my entire life, but PMDD is… different. There’s a sort of exhausted doneness with MDD, like you don’t want to kill yourself, necessarily, you just want to stop existing. PMDD is different. There’s a very loud, very manic aggression to it. Your brain is very actively trying to kill you. I don’t know how else to put it. It’s like being in a crowd of people all screaming at you at once until you cry, and then screaming at you for crying. There is a mob in your head and it hates you.

It is… very, very loud and very difficult to drown out. I can usually catch the warning signs and head things off before I get into a spiral. Going for a walk is good. Helps break the cycle. Creating is good, too. Makes me feel productive and useful to others, which is a whole other can of worms, but it is effective. And if all else fails, I usually weaponize my hyperfixations lmao. Start up an old video game that I know will take all my focus, or start a new tv show that I know I’ll get fannish about, whatever.

This month has been hard because, frankly, it took me by surprise. It’s a little earlier than it should be and I haven’t had to deal with it as much in the past six months, so I guess I got out of the habit. I didn’t notice that I was starting to get kind of stressed and anxious over small stuff and was beating myself up for feeling normal human emotions. This is usually the big warning sign to me. I will latch onto a negative feeling I’m having and feel very guilty about it. I scratch at it like a healing scab. Then the spirals starts. So I have to keep a watch out for that.

But… like I said, I do tend to withdraw and feel guilty about talking about these things. I feel guilty for wanting to depend on others because I feel like that’s asking too much, a miserable person like me demanding attention from people who are too good for me. And once I start withdrawing into myself and not talking to those around me, things get worse.

Like I said!!! Your brain is abusive and it wants to separate you from your support system — so it makes you feel like a bad person for even wanting a support system.

(I find that it helps, actually, to frame it like that. I can tell that my thoughts are starting to get irrational and it’s like “oh, THIS asshole is back to say mean things to me again.”)

So… idk, I’m trying to talk about it. I figure that I tagged this post appropriately and put multiple warnings on it, so anyone who is reading this wants to be here. Maybe out of curiosity, maybe out of support, maybe because they deal with these things, too. idk.

I’m basically telling my mean brain that fuck you, it’s good to talk about my feelings and no one hates me for it.

Because… this is the big thing… I was thinking about that one Tumblr post… the one that was like “the me in your head is nice to you, right?”

I want the me in your head to be so nice to you. I want the me in your head to hold you and tell you you’re a good person and that I love you. Even if I don’t know you. I want the me in your head to be so damn comforting.

I love the idea of being a comfort to people. That’s… why I write so much of why I write, I think. There’s nothing that chokes me up like finding out I’ve managed to comfort someone that I don’t even know. Is there anything more beautiful than comforting and supporting others in this bitch of a world?

NO we gotta be kind.

So… if I want the me in your head to be so, so kind, why do I feel so guilty for wanting the you in my head to be nice to me, too? Why do I feel like I am so innately unlovable that even fantasizing about someone loving me could stain them somehow? Like I will stain their clothes with my own awfulness.

I DON’T. I don’t feel that way. I have been doing so much better lately. I have been reaching out to people and doing fun things and spending time with people and thinking about loving people and them loving me back. I’ve thought about people loving me!!! And I’ve started to have the creeping hope that it could happen! That I am worthy of love.

Guys, I’ve been better. I know that all sounds like not much, but it’s been so easy for me to convince myself that no one will ever love me because I’m sick, I’m disabled, I’m unattractive, I’m unkind, I’m cringe, I’m annoying, I’m selfish, etc. It’s been so easy for me to find a million excuses for why I, out of all the people on this earth, will never be loved.

So… feeling hope that that’s not true is actually a very big thing for me, and something that I’ve been delighting in recently.

All the things in my head are fake and mean and… you know, hormones. That’s all.

Idk, this was meant to be a discussion of one small part of PMDD but I guess it ended up being a ramble about a lot of things. I’ll admit that it’s much more difficult for me to be focused and eloquent when I’m dealing with these symptoms. I had a moment where I wanted to apologize to anyone still reading this, but — instead I’ll thank you for spending your time with my words. For whatever reason you decided to do it, for whatever reason you’re still here, I appreciate that you did it.

I want the version of you in my head to be nice. And I want to thank you for being nice. And I want to be nice to you, too.

In conclusion

Now I’m gonna go take my medication and be quiet for a while.

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

Day three of Paxlovid, Bubby wanted to test and see if we're still positive for covid19. We are negative! Though I think it's just the med, and we may test positive after it wears off, but seeing negative did feel nice.

He got a bunch of tests for free from work. How? The place he works always has them on hand as is company policy, so giving him to boxes with 12 tests each wasn't a big issue. We'll be testing daily until probably next week.

I'm still feeling weird courtesy of covid19, like the room is rocking as though teeter tottering. It's not my ears. This is triggered simply by moving my eyes. Paxlovid isn't helping. I know a couple other epileptics have experienced this with covid19 and Paxlovid, so it's likely neurological. At the same time, it could ge the Ritalin I was taking (stopped when I started Paxlovid) was doing what over a dozen seizure meds I've used had done.

Meds like to release real quick in my system, which is why I use a extended release version of my seizure med. As one doctor put it, I have especially strong or concentrated stomach acid, which is why I was diagnosed with GERD. When my seizure meds were releasing too fast, they built up in my system, and weren't be processed fast enough. Every dose released more, building it higher and higher. This resulted in the med becoming toxic, a dose of activated charcoal so my liver wouldn't crash (and why I got my liver checked once a month on some meds) because apparently that's where the meds build up, and then I was without meds for a week for a full "cleaning house" situation. During that week, I was either booked in the hospital or never left alone at home. Ritalin may be doing the same seeing as it's designed to release quickly. I may need to switch to a different ADHD med, a slow release. This likely won't last the 12 hours most are designed for, and instead six to eight hours instead. My extended release seizure meds in the past did the same. Some of them I took more than once a day.

It's also why I can't be more than a two to three hour late for my next dose of my current med. After the second hour, I start having issues. When the end of the third hour hits, I either get my meds or a hospital visit.

Before anyone comes at me with "suggestions" or "advice" about my seizures or epilepsy: shut up. Not all epilepsy can be 100% controlled. Not everyone qualified for surgery nor implants. Not everything has the ending TV, films, and books consider happy. My epilepsy has 0% chance of 100% control. I have been on over 20 meds in 30 years, some of which are now blacklisted and illegal due to permanent side effects. My seizure threshold is fucking low, trigger by mood/state of mental health, fever/illness, hormones (i look forward to being postmenopausal), noise (not helped by autism), specific sounds (i don't know what they are, but when made it sets off a seizure), flashing/flicker lights (I haaaaaaate fireworks with a cold deep passion), food (celiac disease causes gluten to inflame my gut, resulting in my meds not being absorbed at all), and heat. The threshold is fucking low, meaning it takes little set off my seizures. My epilepsy is the number one reason I'm permanently Disabled and on SSDI. When I tried being part of the workforce, most of my time was spent fucked up from seizures. It nearly killed me. Ah, yes, epilepsy is terminal if not controlled. Every seizure is brain damage, every seizure a risk of SUDEP.

I feel weird, wonky, and physical unbalanced. For those who haven't experienced med toxicity, it's like being drunk but so much worse.

[mdhwrites]

Diane and Kat: My Original Lesbians

Diane and Kat: The Bound Bands (available for free until the end of the 15th! A decision I made while writing this. XD) was my first original story. Released on August 5th, 2016, it was my first book ever released and worked on over the course of four months. Today I just feel like talking about them and what led to them.

So first... Going original wasn't my idea. It was something I was considering but it was actually someone else in the MLP Fandom that first talked to me about how they wanted to do original works. The two of us had tried to work together in the past, they liked my work and I like to attempt to collaborate. By the end of the day, I had the main concept for the two main characters already written up.

Now mind you, I say ATTEMPT to collaborate. I have literally had more success collaborating in the TOH fandom, the fruits of which no longer are publicly available, than I did in five years? of being the MLP fandom. I would always get brought on for a project, have a ton of ideas and write my portion quickly and then NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN. So for about a week the two of us lightly brainstormed and then it just kind of... died. I think maybe the first chapter had been written by me, maybe part of the second, but they never contributed to the writing of it and a lot of the brainstorming was primarily my own because of how fast my brain works.

The big contribution I remember they added was a piece of advice: "Don't make it about their sexuality." It's a line that stuck with me because you can actually see how it manifests in the second chapter. The mayor who is supposed to pay them is presented as a bigot trying to stiff them. However, his prejudice isn't because they're lesbians. It's the idea that couple adventurers get 'distracted' and so potentially did shoddy work, despite them having done the job just fine. A tongue in cheek subversion that also helps make it clear the sort of world they're living in. People will still try to short change and scam you but it's not going to be by sexual preference.

However, due to the collaborative nature of it, the story went fallow for a while. I think this technically first happened late 2015 when it was first brainstormed and my brain kept buzzing about it on and off but, well, I had other things to worry about like my declining mental health. It only really came back to the forefront when in March of 2016, Walmart threatened to fire me and something in me just... broke. I ended up having to quit due to the void it introduced in me and made plans to move to Colorado to live with my parents. At the same time, as a way to potentially try and make up for the lack of a job, I asked my friend if it was okay if I took Diane and Kat and ran with them. They said yes and so their story began.

But who were they? (I actually have character profiles on a doc for them from that original drafting and there was a SEVERE temptation to just copy and paste for this)

Diane Maxwell:

A priestess turned sorceress who was almost killed by templars for having been found out to have incredibly powerful magic in her veins, she has a fairly serious, focused personality. She is mildly sarcastic, especially with Kat, and would be content in life if not for the fact that the teachings she was raised with push her to want to continue doing good. That and adventuring pays the bills. She wears a dress robe over normal leather armor and specializes in lightning and fire magics due to having an affinity to both and being shockingly bad at any form of healing magic, much to her own disappointment. Is awkward about public affection though it's purely a personal thing and has nothing to do with how deep her love for Kat runs.

Kat Wolfcry:

A self proclaimed knight who is the daughter of the chief to a barbarian clan, she is stubborn, enthusiastic and on the face of it what you would expect from a barbarian who is a bit on the shorter side, especially when compared to her tall girlfriend. Her fiery red hair and heritage hide who she really is. She cares about innocents more than any barbarian literally can for the job. She even almost failed the ritual to imbue herself with a wolf spirit because it required her to kill in cold blood a wolf she knew to become one with it. To give her the sort of magical rage a fantasy barbarian has. It was saving Diane from the templars and their lone journey to bring her back home from a failed pillaging raid that made her decide she needed to leave home and at least try to be a knight, even if she still fights like a barbarian. But uh... Just because she cares about innocents doesn't mean she's defanged. She just can't get mad 'for fun'. If you hurt people, expect her to be all too happy to show you why her clan was known for brutal slaughters of their prey, like a pack of wolves on a moose.

So there are your two bases. The classic dynamic of tank and sorcerer, though only the latter can only do field medicine so they need to be careful. Plenty of backstory potential and plenty of just general potential for good fun between the two, with their first book even mentioning old stories I had in mind for them because I was just so enthusiastic about the ideas I had for them.

So... Why only the one book?

Well, that kind of comes down to format? Amongst a lot of other things but something that has always made me nervous is that I conceptualized the series as being stand alone for the majority of the books. One might reference another book but you didn't need to have read it to get a complete story with whichever book you read. The only book that should have ever broken this would have been the final book in the series because it would have been a celebration of what had come first.

That's also why Bound Bands is the way it is. It was just meant to be a fun dungeon crawl that could be a part of a series, but didn't have to be. I literally have the layout listed on that old doc of 2 beginning chapters, four dungeon layers, three night chapters to serve as quieter breaks, then the boss and epilogue effectively. A simple but effective structure that was based on one main premise: A dungeon meant to stress and push whoever came in's bond with themselves and each other hard. I won't spoil why since you can go check it out yourself, at least if you're reading this when it comes out.

BUT this format is also kind of nerve wracking in that it means having to reintroduce a lot of elements of a character each time and avoiding repetition in that, finding new ways to introduce them and what not, is something my brain has hissed at me each time I've tried starting another book of theirs. I actually don't even know how much I have to worry about this since this style isn't actually something I ever engaged much with as a kid. I never read the old Sherlock mysteries as an example. I don't know how much they rely on you knowing who Sherlock is even if each story is standalone. I read series or single books as a kid, never something in this sort of field so it maybe is something I just need perspective on to help me out.

But just for fun, I'll share the immediate pitches for some of the books I'd considered:

Holy Town Mage Tournament: A small church town belonging to the same faith Diane used to be is holding of all things a tournament for black magic users. While normally something Diane wouldn't be a part of, two things push her to join. The first is the one favored to win, a mage who claims to be an archmage, which is no simple feat in this world. Diane should know: She qualifies as one after all due to having mastered the ability to duel cast. The other? A mute priestess who is the final opponent for the winning mage and her mother who are raising money for the town through this blasphemous act and who claim to have been friends with her father, Avatar Maxwell.

A Feral Circus: After a night of hard drinking that Diane skipped but that Kat went out to enjoy, Kat doesn't make it back to the room they were staying at. Meanwhile, the circus in town's beast master claims to have a new wolf as part of his menagerie who he shall reveal to all in one week's time. With it being the closest thing to a lead Diane has, can she infiltrate the circus and find Kat? And why is the beast master waiting so long to reveal his new prize?

(Side note: I always felt like I had an easier time to figure out stories for Diane to be the lead than Kat. *sigh*)

Test of Mettle: In the middle of a town lies a large stone rock with hundreds of nicks taken out of it by various warriors, knights and swordmasters who wanted to test their might against it. When Kat goes to do it though, she is stopped by an old samurai type who says that a barbarian has no place in testing themselves like this. When she tries anyways, she destroys her sword as if it were nothing. That's the last straw and Kat makes it clear they aren't leaving until she's not just hit the rock but shattered it entirely, with this easily being one of their earlier stories.

(Also yes, I watched the anime take on Thundercats. Why do you ask?)

And finally, of course:

Diane and Kat: On her first raid, Kat Wolfcry chooses a monastery on the edge of the lands dominated by the Kesral faith. It's an easy target but one with plenty of loot to make her father proud. She doesn't know that a squad of templars are there, having been brought in to judge Diane Maxwell, daughter of the old leader of the monastery, for her newfound black magic. They throw her in a well cell beneath the monastery as they finish getting the black powder that they'll be bringing back to the capital. Powder kegs waiting to go off and help start these two girls' destinies with a bang.

The one I've tried starting the most often is the holy town tournament one, with their true origin story of meeting and falling in love being the only other one I've actually tried to start. Feral Circus has always been LOW priority because it's the sort of story I'd want to do as like a fifth book since that one genuinely just removes Kat for the entirety of it while at least the holy town one is simply more focused on Diane. I've never forgotten them though. They always come to mind, asking for when their turn will be and I keep just not quite managing to return to them.

UNTIL NO- No. I don't have an announcement like that to make. I might try to sometime soon, and maybe publish some one offs I made for the two on Ao3, including when Diane first cast magic, but for the moment they are just the two lesbians I want to someday return to. As such, if you have questions about them and the like, please, let me know. I'd love to answer what I can and who knows? Maybe it'll help me get more motivated about them.

And since I did in fact decide to make their book free for a bit, a reminder that Kindle e-books do NOT require an e-reader. They are available to be read on literally anything with a browser. So if you're reading this, you can almost certainly pick it up and check out their first story: Diane and Kat: The Bound Bands.