#my brain obsesses on it to the point I can’t get anything done because I’m too self conscious

[butterysalt]

Writing question for my fellow readers and writers bc it genuinely eats at me sometimes:

How do y’all feel about fics written in the present-tense vs past tense?? For example, a sentence written as:

(Present) “The character walks into their home and closes the door.”

(Past) “The character walked into their home and closed the door.”

It’s something that has always bothered me so much with writing.. I’ve always naturally defaulted to past-tense when I write fics but sometimes I get self-conscious or notice that a lot of other fics are written in present-tense…

So TLDR; is it just a stylistic preference or do you guys care?

[onlyjaeyun]

𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒 – 𝟑𝟎

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐓𝐘: 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐧

⤥ 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐒𝐮𝐧𝐠𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

⤥ 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧��𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬!𝐀𝐔

⤥ 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 𝟖.𝟐𝐤

⤥ 𝐜𝐰: 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐭𝐨𝐱𝐢𝐜 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬, 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐛𝐯𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐞𝐠𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭; 𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥 (𝐟.𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠), 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐩𝐢𝐞, 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐭 (𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐡), 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐢𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤

⤥ 𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: 𝐀 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐚𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞, 𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐞𝐬. 𝐀 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐰𝐨 𝐬𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐬 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐚𝐭 𝐚𝐧 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐲'𝐬 𝐢𝐜𝐞 𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐤.

“No, I don’t like it so stop pointing it out, snowflake!”

Sunghoon’s young voice echoes in your skull as your eyes remain focused on the little mole on the right side of his nose bridge, a detail to his prince-like features you’ve always noticed yet never acknowledged.

As you watch your archenemy have a good night with his closest friends and cousin, you can’t help but let your thoughts wander all the way back in memory lane to a conversation you’ve never forgotten.

“But it’s so cute, Hoonie”, you had told him, never once looking away from his eyes, the ones you used to find so much comfort in, especially during one of the most difficult times in your life, “don’t you know what the legend about moles marking the spots where your past lover kissed you the most?”

“Hm, they were obsessed with my face then”, he huffed and rolled his eyes, completing the knot on his skates before getting up on his feet and shooting you one of his big, cheeky smiles; the one where a tiny dimply makes an appearance.

“Why would you say it like that? Stop belittling yourself like that”, you pouted back at him and looked at him with big eyes, your skates still not completely tied up, which – just as usual – resulted in Sunghoon getting down on his knees to finish it for you. Something the two of you have always done for some reason, but never in a million years would you have changed it for anything else.

It used to be in those moments right before and after practice which made you feel the closest to your skate partner of six years, the one guy in your life who had always been there for you and your brother, the one who had never, ever disappointed you.

“You know I don’t like my face much because of how much I look like my father”, Sunghoon had casually explained to you before looking up at you with longing, innocent eyes, “you wouldn’t know what that feels like after all.”

For some reason, this particular part of said conversation had never quite left your memories, your heart feeling at ease as you remember how you had tilted your head to the back in confusion, not quite understanding what he was referring to.

“You know in some cultures they say you look like the parent who loves you the most”, he had started to explain, not struggling to read your facial expressions at all, even back then, “you’re a carbon copy of your mother, in every way possible. However, in some other cultures it’s said that if your mother is so in love with your father, it’ll turn you into his twin so I guess we’re yet again on the same line but different ends.”

Sunghoon had always had a way with words, no matter his age and you still remember just how much you had loved listening to everything he had to say. He’d never been one to talk much, but the things he said had always carried meaning.

“But I’m not really sure if I actually read this or heard some random ladies talk about this once so, I’m not a reliable source at all.”

As your brain replays that last statement, you can’t help but smile to yourself and it’s only when Sunghoon suddenly turns his head to meet your gaze that you’re pulled back into reality by brutal force.

You’re quick to avert your eyes, not ready to accept whatever the fuck has been going on with you and to your luck Sunghoon doesn’t seem to care enough (as usual) to acknowledge your staring.

No matter how many times he cums inside of you, your precious archenemy probably won’t ever treat you like an actual part of society before and after your shared orgasms and when in the beginning you actually preferred it that way, you’ve now found yourself doubting and questioning his behavior.

It’s not like Sunghoon’s actually nice to you when the two of you get intimate but besides the first time, he’s never once has he made you feel unwanted or disgusting. In any other situation his behavior and the way he treats and touches you would have provoked and irritated you, but whenever the burning tension between the two of you becomes too much and you have no choice but to give in over and over again, your body longs for those exact things and you actually don’t hate it as much as you used to.

Back when you had first started sleeping with Sunghoon, you’d try your best to just not think about it anymore until the next booty call but now you actually caught yourself going out of your way to get physical with him.

It’s not something that just dawned on you but rather a realization which hit you since you’ve been spending quite a bit of time in close proximity with him for the past three days.

Every time the boys want to head out after your daily activities, you find yourself hoping that Sunghoon decides to stay back in the airbnb too, just because you don’t actually want to rush things with him anymore when it comes to sex. You’ve come to the point where he makes you feel so good, you actually want it to go on for as long as possible.

You still can’t believe that you’re actually admitting this to yourself but after all this time you’ve grown exhausted, tired and mentally drained, which is probably why it doesn’t really matter to you anyway.

To Park Sunghoon you’re nothing but a quick, easy and convenient fuck. That’s it. And it’s good this way. That’s why there’s no point in worrying about why the fuck would your brain start coming up with things and thoughts which don’t even make sense, right?

“She’s ignoring us again”, Jaeyun chuckles and nudges your side with his elbow before he throws his arm over your shoulders and pulls you closer to his body, quickly reminding you of your current situation.

Your eyes almost instinctively shift to Sunghoon’s face, only for instant regret to hit your system when you notice the look of disgust and annoyance gracing his features.

“Sorry, boys”, you sigh and pat Jaeyun’s chest, “this week’s been so exhausting, I think the lack of sleep is finally getting to me.”

“So, you’re not gonna join our night time adventure either?” Sunoo shoots you a pout of disappointment and with a soft sigh you imitate his facial expression and shake your head.

“I really need to get some sleep for our day trip to Koto tomorrow”, you respond and look at each of the boys individually but intentionally skip a certain someone, “we’ve been up and on the road for twelve hours straight, fourth day in a row and as much as I want to, I know my body’s not gonna cooperate much longer if I don’t rest.”

The thought of a warm shower, a few cigarettes on your airbnb’s balcony, a nice glass of wine and absolute silence remains the only thing on your mind despite the slight pengs of guilt hitting your chest for not joining your boys yet again.

“It’s okay, mother”, Jungwon quickly responds and puts on his coat with a big, dimply smile, “you probably didn’t hear it but I’ve always been against forcing old people out of their comfort zone.”

With a soft scoff you roll your eyes and thank Riki as he hands you your jacket, all of the boys taking the last sips of their soft beverages before saying your goodbyes and leaving the sweet little restaurant you had decided to have dinner at.

You quietly listen to the boys and their plans, Jaeyun quickly offering you a cigarette as he lights his own and with a tight lipped smile you thank him, way too tense and absentminded for your own liking but too exhausted to question it.

“Alright, I’ve ordered you two an uber too”, Riki says casually and runs one of his ring clad hands through his bleached hair, his statement leaving you nothing but confused.

“Huh? I’m the only one going back to the airbnb”, you say and furrow your brows with your eyes focused on your younger brother’s face.

“No, Hoon’s also not tagging along”, Jaeyun replies casually and blows the smoke out of his nose as he looks at you just as confused.

“What the fuck? Why?”

“That’s none of your fucking business”, Sunghoon almost instinctively spits back at you, his thick brows pushed together as he stares at you with annoyance gleaming in his eyes.

“Shut the fuck up”, you hiss and roll your eyes, too exhausted to even bother with his weird attitude. It’s not like you haven’t noticed his change in behavior and attitude these past few days but with everything that’s been going on in your own brain you simply can’t find the energy to read more into it than absolutely necessary.

“Please, don’t chop each other’s head off on your way to the rooms”, Jaeyun chuckles but as soon as his gaze flickers between the two of you, you realise just how much seriousness there actually is behind his words.

Without saying anything else, you say your farewells to the boys as the cars you had ordered come to a stand in front of you and just as expected (and hoped for), SUnghoon gets comfortable on the passenger seat while you slide into the back and pray the taxi driver isn’t as chatty as the other ones.

To your luck, Sunghoon uses hsi limited Japanese to give the man your address and the rest of the drive passes by quietly, almost peacefully. There’s never been a place like Tokyo to you; not a single spot on this earth has ever managed to make you feel at such ease and comfort the way your mother’s birthplace has.

You’re so caught up watching the streets of your favorite place, you don’t even notice the way Sunghoon has been watching you from his peripheral vision the past ten minutes, something he can’t help but beat himself up for because why the fuck does the urge to look at you just doesn’t seem to disappear?

Never in a million years would he admit this to you but there’s definitely a reason why he’s been making sure to always push you into a position where he can look at your face. He’s not quite sure why or where the sudden urge has come from but for some reason he just can’t keep his eyes off of you.

Sunghoon still hates your guts.

He really does.

But the more he gets to touch and kiss you, the deeper this weird hunger and lust seem to run and at this point he has absolutely no idea what the fuck he’s actually thinking. Or feeling.

You still annoy and irritate the living hell out of every pore in his body, yet these past few days he’s found himself upset and even disappointed about the fact he can’t spend more time with you after fucking your brains out. He doesn’t necessarily want to hold you, nor does he really want to cuddle or be close to you but there’s definitely been a few times where he caught himself wishing the boys weren’t on their way back so he could just spend a few more minutes just watching you.

Maybe it’s the way you seem so relaxed and at ease after he’s pushed you over the edge over and over again, or maybe it’s because the sight of you in nothing but his shirt and a cigarette dangling from your pouty, bit swollen lips in combination with your messed up hair and the fresh memory of your sweet noises echoing in his head, which make things so much more difficult for him but at the end of the day the reason doesn’t matter.

Sunghoon hates you.

You’re the only person who’s disappointed and betrayed him in such a cruel, such a raw way and every time he finds himself caught up in thoughts about you, he can’t help but remind himself of all the nights he spent on the ice rink, crying, sobbing and silently praying you’d just come back and make your shared dreams become reality, only for his heart and soul to break all over again when he remembered your betrayal.

With his hands balled into fists and a soft huff, Sunghoon angrily averts his gaze from you and as his eyes start to scan the area you had just entered, a wave of relief hits him.

“That’s the one, Sir”, he casually says and almost immediately bites his tongue when he realizes the falling of his mask.

Nobody on this earth knows how all those years ago, Sunghoon had decided to learn Japanese, simply because he wanted to feel even closer to two of the most important people in his life, only for your betrayal to take away the joy and excitement of it.

But despite his broken heart, he knew he had to finish what he had started, initially for you, not because he necessarily needed it but because he didn’t want you to take this away from him too.

Never once has he mentioned his fluency in his best friend’s mother tongue to anybody, not even his other close friends and at times he definitely forgot about it only for his chest to tighten whenever he listened to your little conversations with your brother, the both of you so much more relaxed and outspoken in your mother tongue than the one you both had grown up with.

When at first Sunghoon had intended to talk to Riki about it, he never really knew how to explain the actual reasoning behind his decision to study and become fluent in Japanese, so after a few years, he just decided to keep it to himself for as long as possible.

There’s no point in letting you know when you don't even care anyway.

Fortunately you seem way too immersed in your thoughts to pay any attention to his slip up and by the time Hoon gets out of the uber, you’ve already lit yet another cigarette.

“What are you waiting for?” You suddenly ask when you notice his lack of motion.

“Just finish that god damn cig and get your ass inside”, Sunghoon sighs, “I promised not to leave you alone so stop making this even more difficult for me than it already is.”

“What a gentleman you are”, you roll your eyes in response to his annoying comment, the little fire in the depth of your chest burning up just enough to irritate you, “I’m not in the mood to fuck, just piss off already.” For a quick moment you catch yourself in a lie and you hate how your hormonal self almost instantly regrets your little come back.

Because no matter how hard you try to deny it, your body craves Sunghoon’s touch which has now resulted in a libido you have never experienced before. So, no, you actually are very much in the mood but for some reason you can’t help but feel stressed and anxious just thinking about all the feelings, doubts and thoughts which come hand in hand with the pleasure he’s providing you with.

“Can you not be so fucking difficult for once? I’m not waiting for you to come inside to fuck, I promised Riki to keep an eye on you, that’s it.”

While your first instinct is to shoot something back at him, a tiny, almost inaudible yet strong voice in the back of your head somehow manages to stop you from giving into the urges and with an annoyed sigh you kill your half-smoked cigarette and through it into the next trashcan before wordlessly heading towards the entrance of the apartment building.

You both continue walking up the stairs without saying another word and you hate how much the lack of verbal communication bothers you. If it wasn’t for your best friend pointing it out, you would have never noticed just how little you and Sunghoon actually talk to each other and ever since your conversation about it, you haven’t stopped thinking about it.

“What the fuck?”

The suddenness of his exclamation as well as the unusual volume of his voice are quick to pull you out of the mess in your head and with your brows furrowed in confusion you follow Sunghoon’s cold gaze.

For a moment, you don’t actually know what or who you’re looking at.

Maybe it’s one of you body’s defense mechanisms or maybe it’s the fog clouding your brain but in no universe should it take this long for someone to recognize their younger brother – and father.

“Is this a fucking joke?” The switch in language comes almost naturally and the longer your eyes roam the figures of the two men in front of you, the quicker the blood starts pumping through your veins.

It’s one thing to see your younger half-brother again, his impact and affect on your life in no way harmful or very much life altering. But the sight of your father, the first of many men to not only disappoint and break you but also the first of many to make you feel unloveable, disgusting and unworthy of everything good in this life easily leaves you speechless.

You can feel Sunghoon’s gaze boring into your side, his attention remaining on you as if he was trying to read your body language but miserably failing to do so when all the trauma responses hit you at full force.

“Just listen to us for a few minutes”, Kenta says and looks at you with genuinely pleading eyes but for the first time in your life you feel actual resentment towards the brother you had tried so hard to protect and keep safe. You’ve always reminded yourself of his age, of his lacking experience in life, his brain still developing but as your eyes anxiously roam his features, all those excuses seem to disappear when you realize just how much he’s grown.

He’s now three years older than Riki when he had decided to ask his parents to sign off their parental rights to you, his older sister, because he knew exactly what type of people they were.

“Please, Y/N”, he suddenly pleas and takes a step forward, only for you to back off and Sunghoon quickly comes to stand between you and your brother.

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Kenta”, he says nonchalantly, not giving a single fuck about the current chaos in his own head at the sight of your father, a man he’s never, ever associated anything good or positive with. Sunghoon hasn’t seen your father in over a decade, despite the close bond your dads used to share back in the day and as he remembers all the times he had punished you for a minor mistake or a failed move, his blood suddenly starts boiling.

“This isn’t about you, Sunghoon”, your father suddenly says and the sound of his voice sends chills down your back, the urge to burst into tears and yell at him for failing you suddenly overwhelming.

“What do you want from me? Why are you here? You’ve never called, never texted me back. The only times you actually contacted me were because you wanted something from me”, you don’t find the energy and guts to push Sunghoon away and actually face them again, so without giving it much more thought you opt to stay very much hidden behind your archenemy’s impressive height.

“Please, hear us out, Y/N”, Kenta pleads yet again, skillfully ignoring your accusations, “Yuki needs your support. We can’t do this without you.”

At first, your brain struggles to process his words but as soon as you manage to read in between the lines, you feel every last bit of oxygen leaving your lungs and a thin veil of tears blurring your vision.

“What?”

“Kenta, take your failure of a father and fuck off”, Sunghoon is quick to spit back at your brother, anger and wrath lingering in his voice as he threatens your brother.

“What the fuck does that even mean, Kenta? What do you mean Yuki needs my support? For what?”

You know the answer to your question but deep down you know you need to hear it from him or your father to finally close this chapter for good. All these years you’ve believed in ideas and wishful thoughts of your other siblings finding their way back to you, but not anymore. The few bits of information Riki had shared with you were enough to block Kenta’s number but now that you’ve actually got the chance to hear him say all those things, just casually crushing your soul and taking away the tiniest drops of hope you had left, you definitely weren’t gonna let it slip away.

“Y/N, sweetheart”, your father begins calmly, his voice a lot less vengeful and harsh than you’ve remembered; his choice to not only address you by your actual name, something he had refused to since the day of your eighth birthday, but also to use the nickname he had only used for his second wife send jolts of anger through your veins and before Sunghoon can even react, you’ve made your way around him to get into your own father’s face.

“Don’t you fucking dare play innocent now”, you spit and bite back the tiny sob threatening to escape your throat when you notice the lack of emotion in the eyes of the only parent you had left.

“Alright, seems like the nice way still doesn’t work with you”, he suddenly sighs and straightens his back, the faux softness in his features quickly vanishing as he crosses his arms in front of his chest and looks down at you the way he’s always done during every conversation the two of you ever had.

“Yuki wants to attend the same boarding school as Kenta and as her older sister it’s your duty to step up financially when we can’t.”

You’ve never expected anything from your father, not a single thing ever since the day your mother passed away. It’s not like he actually ever cared about you anyway, so it’s never made sense for you to put any effort into whatever the fuck kind of bond you two had or didn’t have.

But for some reason you did expect him to have just the tiniest bit of dignity and pride, maybe a little bit of ego or self worth, just enough not to be desperate and shameless enough to ask the daughter he had abandoned, disowned and shamed for money.

“My duty? Are you mentally challenged?”

“Watch your fucking language when you talk to him, he’s still your father”, Kenta suddenly intervenes and as soon as your head shoots into his direction, you notice the shift in his facial expression. All of a sudden you can’t actually unsee the resemblance to your father, something you’ve always preferred to ignore for your own sake.

“He’s nothing to me, you fucking bitch”, you hiss and not once avert your gaze away from his, knowing he’s gonna use the difference in height to his own advantage when he has no idea of the people you’ve gotten in fights with over the years. To his defense, he doesn’t actually know anything about you in the first place.

“it’s the middle of the night, just stop wasting our time and give us the fucking money, you worthless cunt.”

Your father’s heartless words hit you like a punch right in the guts; the feeling something you haven’t felt in a while and probably something online he’s ever been able to make you go through. His choice of words and tone isn’t something new or surprising to you because even after five years of barely any contact with each other, your father has never bothered to hide his resentment for you as an individual. Every person you’re close with has heard your own father talk to you like this at least once and no matter how much time passes, the waves of humiliation and shame just don’t seem to become any less overwhelming.

“I don’t owe you shit, you old fuck”, you defend yourself once you’ve finally found your voice, hating the little shake in your breathing, “you took everything I’ve ever loved, ever card about. Fuck you, fuck your ugly ass wife and fuck your kids.”

“Watch your fucking mou-”, this time Kenta doesn’t get to step even closer to you, nor does he get to finish his threat as Sunghoon comes back into your peripheral vision and before you can physically react, you watch your former cie skating partner reach for your younger brother’s collar and swiftly push him up against the wall.

“I don’t give a fuck about your age, back the fuck off or I’ll rearrange both sets of teeth in that big mouth of yours, got it?”

“What exactly did we take from you, huh? Come on, name me one actual example and I’ll leave”, your father scoffs and rolls his eyes, reminding you of all the times he had manipulated and gaslit you into thinking and genuinely believing every insult and criticism he had thrown into your face.

“What the fuck? Are you fucking serious?”

“Ah, yeah typical Nishimura Y/N behavior”, he suddenly chuckles and looks at you with mockery gleaming in his exhausted gaze, a sight so surreal and sad it actually has your blood boiling, “screaming, swearing, pointing your fingers at others when it’s usually your own fault – you really haven’t changed, have you? Still the silly little girl who expects the world to revolve around her when she couldn’t even sacrifice anything for her own blood.”

“What?”

Your father tilts his head to the side as soon as he notices the tears blurring your vision, knowing very well what his words have done to you and where one would expect him to finally back off, the pain and agony in your facial features only make him want to take things as far as possible. He’s always pushed you past your breaking point, not because he wanted you to grow, but because he actually enjoys seeing you in such pain. He’s always referred to it as his own way of torture since he’s never been powerful enough to use his hands on you.

“What do you mean ‘what’? First you claim that we’ve taken something away from you and now you’re surprised when I point out your lack of sacrifices for the family?”

“I – My childhood, my youth, my dreams – I sacrificed everything I’ve ever had to please you”, your voice is quite and steady, more confused than angry as you struggle to understand what the fuck is actually going on, “I was never enough. Nothing I’ve ever done or achieved was enough to please you and that bitchass wife of yours.”

“Don’t talk about her like that”, your father suddenly spits and reminds you of his biggest trigger, “she’s never done anything but love you like her own but all you did was badmouth her because you’re an ungrateful, spoiled little bitch who’s bound to fail in life.”

“What the fuck – are you even talking about?” This time you refuse to keep your cool as you raise the volume of your voice and actually push him away, too disgusted by his words to bear with the close proximity any longer.

It’s then that Sunghoon finally lets go of your younger brother to come in between you and your father, knowing he won’t hesitate to do what’s necessary. He knows you can handle this by yourself but at the end of the day he would never, ever let that fucker or anyone lay a hand on you.

“Your step-mother alway tried her best but you never–”, “Shut the fuck up. That fucking bitch took away my biggest dream and all you did was give her the approval she needed to ruin my life”, you don’t care about the time and the current location you’re in, too exhausted and emotionally drained to hold back any of it any longer, “go ahead and keep praising that ugly bitch because that’s the only thing you’re good for anyway. Trying to please one tyrant because the one in your childhood never loved you enough to give a fuck about his fucking loser son.”

You’ve only ever met your paternal grandfather a couple of times in your life but from all the things your maternal aunt had told you, he’s never really been a big fan or supporter of his own son, finally explaining your father’s lack of basic human decency.

“You fucking bitch”, and as those words leave his lips, you actually watch the way your father lifts his arm, only for his hand never reaching its goal.

Yet again, Sunghoon happens to be way faster than your brain can actually follow as the next thing your eyes witness is the sight of your archenemy casually holding onto your father’s wrist before twisting his arm into the other direction and eliciting a painful scream from the old man’s throat.

“Not on my fucking watch, you loser”, Sunghoon presses through gritted teeth and twists your father’s arm a little further, “you’re never, ever going to come close to her again, di you hear me? Now take that scumbag of a son and fuck off or I’m gonna finish what your daddy started.”

“You little–”, “You don’t want to see what happens if I have to repeat myself, you fucking cunt. Now fuck. Off.”

The following few minutes pass by in a blur as you watch Kenta and your father really doing as they’re told and as soon as you step into the somehow comforting space of your airbnb, you feel a wave of exhaustion roll over you.

Sunghoon doesn’t say anything, yet refuses to leave you alone.

But why? Why does he care so much about you and why does he genuinely want to run after two two fuckers and beat the living shit out of them for hurting you like this?

He hates you.

But the sight of your tear filled eyes send him into a literal panic mode.

He can’t fucking stand you, your personality, you as an individual, everything you say and stand for.

Yet he quietly follows you into one of the bedrooms knowing he’s gonna argue with you if you dare to send him away.

“Just fuck off”, you spit, as if you could read his thoughts and usually your words would rub him the wrong way, but after all these years, Sunghoon is just too familiar with your coping mechanisms, so without giving it another thought, he shakes his head, yet not responding verbally.

“Sunghoon, just get the fuck to your room and leave me alone. I really can’t deal with your shit right now”, you sigh and rub your temples, throwing your jacket off like it’s the reason for the heavy feeling on your chest.

“Take it out on me.”

What the fuck is he saying?

“What?”

“Stop bottling your anger and frustration up like a fucking child”, he hisses and runs a hand through his dark hair, his eyes focusing yours as he watches hsi words finally make their way through your thick skull, “punch me, scream at me, curse me the fuck out but stop pushing it all away like it never happened. You’re ruining yourself for people who are worth shit.”

“Sunghoon, I–”, but to your surprise, his words actually trigger something deep inside of you and before you can actually realise it, tears have started streaming down your cheeks, ruining the make up you had spent so much time on.

“Fucking finally”, he grunts and reaches for your wrist, only to pull you into his chest and wrap his arms around your body, not expecting you to instantly melt into hsi touch as your cries and sobs start growing heavier, louder and more desperate.

You bury your face in the fabric of his hoodie and for the first time in your life, you don’t worry about anyone else but yourself.

Sunghoon remains silent as you allow yourself to wail and cry in his arms like a little girl, the one you had refused to let out as the mere thought of someone seeing you like this makes you nauseous but for some reason, you don’t seem to care that it’s him, of all people.

Maybe it’s because you know he actually doesn’t give a fuck, not about you or anything and anyone else. Or maybe it’s because of how tired and exhausted you are, but the more your father’s words ring in your ears, the heavier your cries become.

As you lose yourself in the pain and agony of your fate, SUnghoon can’t help but think of all the times you had cried in his arms when the two of you were just little kids trying to find a home in the arms of someone you had always trusted. The more memories and mental images of your ten year old self rush through his head, the stronger his hold on your body becomes and with a soft sigh, Sunghoon finally allows himself to lift his hand and gently caress the back of your head, your back and even your cheeks.

You have absolutely no idea just how long the two of you stay like this but by the time your cries finally die down, you feel lightheaded and sleepy.

There’s so much you want to say, question and ask, so much to discuss and talk about, so many things left unsaid yet the second you lift your head to look up at him, the only thing you can think about is the comfort and peace of mind his touch comes with.

Neither one of you dares to speak a word as the tension in the empty bedroom grows thicker and thicker, leaving you gasping for air and from the inconsistent movements of his chest, you can tell that Sunghoon’s probably going through the same mental dilemma as you.

“I need you”, you suddenly whisper against his lips, his nose nudging yours as he waits for you to ask for it the way he always does, “please, Sunghoon. I don’t wanna think anymore.”

As soon as you say those words, he’s a goner.

No matter how much he tries to deny it, at the end of the day he simply can’t hide the fact that all it takes is for you to ask for him, his body, his touch. No matter how much he hates it, he knows his body belongs to you and at this point he’s more than willing to look past whatever the fuck has happened between the two of you if it meant he gets another taste of you, the most forbidden of fruits.

The next thing you know is the feeling of his plump lips capturing yours in a needy kiss, a soft whimper bubbling up your throat the second his tongue grazes yours and without giving it much more thought, you push everything else into the farest corner of your brain and make sure he becomes the only thing on your mind,

Sunghoon’s kisses are hungry, they’re sloppy and needy; something you’ve grown obsessed with ever since the first one you two had shared all those weeks ago.

With every motion of his lips, the feeling of his hot breath fanning against your warm skin and his saliva slowly coating the entirety of your tongue you feel yourself ascending into the highest parts of your lust.

It doesn’t take much longer for him to grow impatient, the only thing on his mind being your pleasure and the urge to give you exactly what you need.

With his big, ring clad hands roaming your body, kneading the soft flesh of your waist and your thighs, Sunghoon quickly gets rid of your little black skirt, but also not wasting much time with the rest of your clothes. By the time he’s guided you to the king sized bed on the other side of the room, you’ve lost every piece of fabric separating your soft skin from his needy touch and you don’t even care about the fact that Sunghoon has yet to take off any of his own clothes.

“Lay back, spread those legs for me”, he grunts after letting go of your bottom lip, his own swollen and red, the sight so sinful you feel lightheaded by the time the fog clouding your brain finally clears up.

Usually you’d protest and tease him, too proud to give him what he’s asked of you right away but as you look up at him with glossy eyes, you notice the hunger in his gaze and all you can do is obey his request without hesitation.

“Don’t get all shy on me now, snowflake”, Sunghoon grunts and gently places his hands on your knees right before pulling your legs apart, revealing your drenched cunt to his hungry eyes, “she’s all mine, after all. Isn’t that right?”

His words leave you speechless, something you have yet to grow used to when it comes to Park Sunghoon and yet you don’t actually question him and silently nod in response to his hypothetical question.

For the first time since the two of you had started being intimate with each other, you’re actually feeling much more than just this deep burning wrath and hatred, so much more than hunger and lust. It’s deeper, darker and so, so much scarier.

“Eyes on me”, Hoon suddenly hisses and pinches the soft flesh of your inner thigh to get your attention back on him, mostly because he knows he’s gonna lose you to those dark thoughts and doubts if he doesn’t.

“Just cum when you need to”, he whispers against the wet flesh of your pussy, his tongue lapping up the few drops leaking out of your sensitive hole almost casually, “I’m not gonna stop until you’re crying again. But this time it’s gonna be because of how good I’m making you feel, got it?”

Yet again, all you can do is nod but this time it’s not enough. Sunghoon needs to hear you.

“Use your words or I’m not gonna let you cum at all”, he groans and lifts his head up to look at you, “don’t disappoint me now, snowflake.”

“Yes, Sunghoon”, you quickly reply, your head back to its cloudy state as the anticipation for what’s to come overwhelms your senses, “please, just make me feel good.”

And Park Sunghoon has never needed to be told twice when it came to a request of this kind.

The following minutes are filled with loud slurping, a mixture of your high pitched moans and Sunghoon’s muffled grunts, as he makes sure to lap up every single drop of your sweet juices, genuinely afraid to waste any of it and losing himself in the taste of your perfect pussy. Every now and then you catch a glimpse of your archenemy between your legs, his face flushed, tinted in the sweetest shades of shade, the skin of his chin and his cheeks, even the tip of his nose glisten from your juices and his eyes filled with so much lust and hunger, you actually can’t remember seeing him as fucked out as in this particular moment.

With every single swift motion of his tongue against your sensitive clit, you feel yourself falling deeper into the haze of your pleasure and as he manages to push you over the edge not once, not twice but three times in a row, you have to use every bit of your remaining strength to push his head away from your pussy; the sensitivity and overstimulation too much for your exhausted body to handle.

“E-Enough”, you sob softly, your hand firmly holding onto the thick strands of his hair as Sunghoon casually litters your inner thighs in open mouthed kisses, sucking the skin into his mouth every now and then to leave his marks to make sure they remind you of him the following days.

What the fuck is he thinking?

“Think you can do one more for me? Wanna fuck you to sleep so you’re properly rested for our day trip tomorrow”, Sunghoon teases you with a shit eating grin on his face as he comes to stand on his sore feet, calmly taking off his hoodie as well as his jeans, knowing how much it actually annoys you whenever he takes too much time with it.

“Fuck off”, you huff and pull your swollen bottom lip between your teeth, impatiently waiting for him to finally reveal his hard cock to your hungry eyes.

“Should I?”, he suddenly mumbles and pushes his boxer briefs down his thighs, his big cock slapping against his toned stomach and instantly leaving a tiny stain on his spale skin.

Without even replying to his sneaky comment, you sit yourself up and wrap your fingers around the length of his hard cock, looking up at him with glossy, needy eyes and tear stained cheeks, a sight so sinful and breathtaking, Sunghoon can’t physically stop himself from taking your face into one of his hands as he calmly thrusts his cock into your fist.

His eyes roll into the back of his head the second your tongue darts out to lick over his angry tip but after tongue fucking you for almost an hour straight, he simply has no patience left.

“Head back , stick your tongue out and keep your eyes on me”, he grunts and pushes his hand into your hand to help you follow his instructions, only for his cock to give away just how much he likes just how quick you are to follow his demands as it twitches in your grip and actually makes you smile cheekily.

Sunghoon tugs at the roots of your hair and takes a whole moment to admire how good you look all fucked out and ready for him and him only.

What the fuck is going on? He hates you. Hate.

This time he won’t let those confusing thoughts get the best of him as he puckers his lips and lets a thick drop of his spit fall onto the back of your tongue and carefully watches the way you swallow it without hesitation.

Within just a few minutes he makes his way on top of you, getting comfortable between your legs and casually rubbing his rock hard cock against your needy, yet overly sensitive slit.

“Don’t you dare close those eyes, did you hear me? I want you to look at me when I fuck and fill that little pussy up”, Sunghoon breathes against your lips and lines the tip of his cock up with your entrance, his eyes rolling into the back of his head when your little hole starts clenching in response to his touch.

“Just fuck me already”, you hiss when the impatience finally catches up on you, “the boys will be back soon and I really want you to cum inside of me.”

Why the fuck would you say something like that? And why the fuck don’t you regret it as much as you're supposed to?

“Will you look at that?” Sunghoon chuckles and pushes his tip a little deeper inside of your tight cunt, grunting and groaning as soon as your hot walls embrace him again, “got so used to being filled to the brim with my cum, can’t go to sleep without it anymore, hm?”

“F-Fuck off–oh, my God”, your voice breaks into a high pitched moan as soon as Sunghoon thrusts a few more inches of his impressive length inside of you and if it wasn’t for the weird urge to keep your unspoken promise of maintaining eye contact, you would have lost you remind already.

“There we go, just a little bit more.” Did he just praise you? No, encourage you? No teasing? No bickering? Actual encouragement?

“S-So big”, you whisper the second he bottoms out and you actually feel his tip graze the entrance to your womb, “more, Sunghoon. Stop fucking with me.”

“Don’t brat out on me now, snowflake”, he chuckles, not necessarily bc of how amusing you are but mostly because he’s desperately trying to hide how good you’re making him feel, “I’m gonna cum inside of this pussy tonight, I don’t give a fuck if the boys hear or see us or not.”

“Stop fucking playing and fuck me like you mean it already”, you hiss, this time genuine annoyance wavering in your tone and from the way you’ve been clenching around his cock for the past few minutes, Hoon can tell just how close you are. To his luck.

Without wasting anymore time, Sunghoon slowly pulls his cock out of your tight cunt only to thrust himself all the way back inside of you with one swift motion of his hips. It doesn’t take much time for him to find the perfect rhythm, his thrusts deep and hard, yet still fast and coordinated enough to hit the right spots and turn you into a nonsense babbling mess. Every time the tip of his cock hits the sweetest of spots deep inside of you, you feel yourself getting closer, your noises growing higher and louder, yet still not loud enough to overpower Sunghoon’s deep grunts and guttural moans.

The closer he gets, the deeper he loses himself in the sweet feeling of your cunt, the more he buries his face in your neck and as you tug on the strands of his freshly dyed dark hair, Sunghoon can’t help the little whines from escaping his sore throat.

“C-Close”, you finally whisper and push his big hand holding onto your tit down in between your legs hoping he just does what you silently requested instead of making you ask for it.

“Me too”, Hoonie grunts and pulls away from your neck, his cheeks even redder than, his bangs sticking to his sweaty forehead and his pretty lips parted as not a single breath he lets out is anything but a shaky moan.

“Look at me”, the demand comes out of nowhere but as soon as your eyes flatter open to find his, Sunghoon starts picking up the pace of his thrusts all while his fingers apply just the right amount of pressure on your sensitive clit.

And just when you’re about to stumble over the edge, Sunghoon quickly pushes his lips against yours and finally gives you the last thing you needed for the coil in your lower tummy to snap.

With a loud, dragged out whimper, your nails digging into his back and your vision blacking out, you loser yourself in the overwhelming waves of your orgasm, falling even deeper and harder when Sunghoon quickly follows you into sweet relief as he paints the insides of your tight cunt in several shades of white.

Just as usual, neither one of you can actually say anything as the sound of your heavy breathing remains the only thing to fill the emptiness of your bedroom.

However, this time Sunghoon refuses to just pull out and step away.

For some reason, the urge to take proper care of you becomes overwhelming, so with a soft sigh, he pulls away and starts caressing your heated skin.

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t really know what would be appropriate, so after soothing the sensitive skin of your inner thighs, Sunghoon slowly pulls his now soft cock out and quickly reaches for his boxer briefs. Usually this is the moment where he hurries ot the bathroom to get you a towel, but this time he actually bends down to grab his hoodie from the floor before he holds his hand out for you to grab, only to help you put on right, and then heading out of the room to grab a towel.

Your brain is too foggy, too chaotic to read much into it and by the time he finishes cleaning up the mess between your legs, Sunghoon casually lays on the other side of your bed and quickly pulls you into his arms.

Never in your life have you expected to find yourself in bed with Park Sunghoon’s steady heartbeat pounding underneath your ear. Yet for the first time in your life, you actually feel at total ease. Nothing matters and nothing will matter, not as long as you’re both like this.

And as Sunghoon attentively watches the way your lids grow heavier right before you drift off to sleep, he catches himself playing with a few strands of your hair and it’s then that he realizes that maybe, just maybe, there’s more to his feelings than pure hatred.

Maybe he doesn’t actually hate you as much as he’s always thought.

But when his boys notify him about their arrival in a few minutes, Sunghoon has no choice but to pull away to save you both from a situation neither one is ready for and before he can overthink it, he places a soft kiss on your forehead and leaves after tucking you into bed properly.

Fuck. This actually just happened.

And he’s not even upset about it.

← 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 — 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 — 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭 →

(A/N: HELLO MY BABIES!!!!! i missed you guys and CH so, so much!!!!! i’m so excited about this it’s lit 3:30am but i missed writing sm i just knew i had to finish this tonight! thank you guys so, so much for your patience and support, your understanding and sweetness. i love and appreciate you all so, so so much! i hope you enjoyed this chap and can’t wait to go back to regular updates!!!🥺🩷)

TAGLIST: @soonigiri @en-happiness @lhsvibez @dammit-jjk @heerinnie @primroselover @jungwon-xo @szkstay @lostwonderwall @hoonieluv @certifiedmoa @doodlelibrary @ikeuizm @kpoprhia @sleeping-demons @jongszn @imtoanonymousforyou @lalalovejay @ineedsomezzz @xrr-s4sha @ariadores @viagumi @electrobutterfly @mimikittysblog @blurryriki @heelcvr @wonkifangirl @joonzseoulmate @kwiwin @hoondiors @seuomo @zerasari @love-you-twice @aloverga @marz-mars @velvtcherie @niniissus @abrazosolorcereza @ddazed-lhs @acphengene @skz-streamer @kshoshi @tya0 @yizhoutv @jebetwo @myheelody @seokgyuu @blockbusterhee @luvkpopp @heeslut4life

[flowerfreya]

No Knock Raid Part 2

I kinda have an obsession with mafia!141 and it's my fave dark romance trope

Pairing: John Price / Reader

No mention of name or description of reader

About this: The after affects of SWAT performing a no knock raid on the reader's and John's home.

Sitting down in the car , not even bothering to buckle up and start to cry silently. You understand what your husband does, you know that this was life before you and provides for your family, hell you work for one of the businesses you just didn’t think would affect your kids life , have them forever traumatized because of something we did. 

“Love” ,John says tenderly. 

“Please, just drive” , You want to see your kids , see if they are okay. To apologize for of course all the issues that you caused them for this one night. 

“We should talk about th-”. You cut John off , “There is nothing to talk about , get me home to my kids”. He sighs and shakes his head , he is worried about you. Your skin has a sickly sheen over it , your hair looks greasy but like you keep messing with it and your fingernails look like you chewed them off. 

Once you arrive home , the children run up to you, they just seem really tired and just want to snuggle up to you and be under you. They ask if they can sleep with you and you say “of course”. John is holding the youngest baby , hugging him close. You thank your sister for watching your children and send her on her way. 

The kids fall asleep quickly, at least one body part is touching you and John. You can’t sleep so you just stare at John who is assessing you. 

“I was on my way home,when I got the alert”,John says.

“They pointed guns in our children's face” You whisper. 

He pressing his lips so tight they almost disappear under his mustache, “ I know sweetheart, I’m going to fix this”

“But how, they are going to remember this night forever, and I can’t fix that”. You turn you head away from him, letting the tears run down your face. You feel a lot of mom guilt for being a working mom already, you work 40 hours a week and with this on top of it you don’t know how you are going to survive this. You don’t think that John can make this better , he can’t go inside your head and scrub that portion of your brain no matter how much you want too. He grabs your hand. He growls , “ You did everything,right. You hear me?”. You nod head, you don’t really agree but you logically know you couldn’t have done anything different, but that doesn’t feel like you couldn’t have.   

“I just want to go to sleep now, please. We have to talk about this in the morning with the kids present”. You did not want to be the type of parents that sweep everything under the bed, especially with something as heavy as this.

part 1

[mothmanssweetsucculentass]

Nina The Killer Headcanons

Psycho Barbie’s turn in the spotlight!!!!

I’ve always thought Nina in concept was so fucking cool, like, an obsessed fangirl becoming a copycat killer always scratched a good niche in my brain, so I never hated her like most of the fandom did when I was younger, I just never really interacted with anything about her cause. The fandom hated her, lmao.

Expect canon typical violence/topics beyond this point pookies <3

TGIRL SWAG!!!!!!!!! Nina is trans I’m making it canon right now and you can’t do shit about it

Roughly about 25, two years younger than Jeff

Ann ain’t the only zombie adjacent character in the mansion

Nina actually has zero fucking clue why she keeps coming back every time Jeff murders her, but she’s having fun with it so ig it’s fine right?

Some of the more supernaturally intelligent members of the mansion also have no fucking idea what her deal is. By all accounts she should be dead and rotting a thousand times over

Eyeless Jack has done four vivisections on her and all yielded the same result, human

Except humans don’t bounce back after having their heart cut out????

Seconds after losing organs they just???? Reappear??? Inside her body???? What the fuck????

Out of everyone she’s a massive enigma. No one can figure it out but everyone loves using her as a guinea pig for murder purposes

Ya girl is such a masochist she actually gets disappointed when people don’t like testing new stabbing methods on her

She’s so unapologetically a freak, she’s cringe, but she’s free

Out of everyone in the mansion she’s the easiest to get along with

Sometimes to her detriment, her hyper extroverted personality off puts some of the more quiet and reserved inhabitants

No one truly hates her, you can’t exactly hate someone who doesn’t have a combative bone against you in their body, but not everyone likes to stick around her

It bothers her only a little bit when she’s noticed she’s pushed people away with her intense personality (it bothers her A LOT-)

She loves collecting and gifting trinkets and jewelry to people. The amount of Kandi bracelets she’s made Jeff and Ben, good lord-

The most persistent determined bitch in the world. You would have to nuke her entire existence to get her to stop focusing/going after something

Of course it ends up making her stubborn

Buuuuuuut she’s also an honorary favorite dog of Slenderman

The household often has monthly contests to see who can have the highest body count. You’ll never guess who’s almost always in the top 3

So she’s out on missions a lot. She comes back and gossips talks about what’s happened when she comes back two days later

Surprisingly doesn’t have a sweet tooth? You’d think with how manic she acts she injects sugar and caffeine into her bloodstream, but nope, she doesn’t. She hates fruit candies and can only stomach dark chocolate

Always comes back from hits and supply runs with tons of candy anyways to share with everyone

Is a SLUT for spicy foods

Ann had to cut her tongue off one time because she fucked it up so bad eating stuff that was borderline radioactive with how spicy it was

Everyone is convinced she would eat actual nuclear waste if given the chance just to feel the burn

The biggest foodie in general too. She’s not the best at cooking but everyone loves her pancakes

Ben made a joke one time about her putting crack in the batter. Two weeks later she had to apologize to mansion parents Masky and Hoody about why half the house was suffering withdrawal symptoms. Someone has to monitor her while she cooks now. Bummer.

She’s a total junkie but she is responsible about it at least dammit!

Like yeah she gets stoned out of her goddamn mind with Ben every other weekend, but that shit doesn’t leave her or his room

She has to set a good example for Sally!!!!!

The kid fucking adores Nina like a big sister

Nina is always bringing her goodies and toys

In return Sally does her makeup for the day

Does it look like a 5 year old scribbled all over her face? Yes and she doesn’t care!!!! She wears that shit with pride

Helen made fun of it once and he has since learned not to piss off the hyperactive pink glitter mayhem lady who knows how to wield a chainsaw

Oh yeah fuck knives. Nina got tired of knives pretty quick. Ya girl USES A CHAINSAW

It’s totally not the same kind of chainsaw Jeff used when he was a scare actor in college shut up no way

She’s really good with the thing too. It’s so heavy and she totes it around like it weighs nothing

She’s got such a sleeper build it’s insane. She’s 5”2 and 160 pounds of pure whoop ass

AND SHE DOES IT ALL IN PLATFORMS AND ACRYLIC NAILS??????

She’s just constantly full of energy and needs to be doing something at every second or she thinks she’ll explode

Besides her signature chainsaw covered in stickers and glitter, she’s also pretty handy with handguns, axes, and baseball bats

She’s got a small collection of weapons under her bed

Three guns (all customized with stickers and paint), a large axe (with a heart in the middle of the blade), and two baseball bats (one covered in nails)

Her room is a fucking mess but she knows where anything and everything is

Girl can’t even see her floor and she’s somehow able to find what she needs in there

Bead curtains, a disco ball, leopard print carpet on the ceiling, lava lamps, it looks like scene mixed with the 70’s threw up in there

Not exactly the most fashionable but has the biggest wardrobe and most flashy way of dressing

Like. I don’t even think she owns anything solid. Definitely not solid black

Has given herself many tattoos and piercings

To the point she’s so good at it that the others start coming to her asking for her to do the same to them

Her hair never stays one color for long, but often goes between red and purple

Is best friends/close with: Ben, Kagekao, Jason, LJ, Sally, the Puppeteer, Clockwork, and Jane

Has a tolerable relationship/is neutral about: Masky, Hoody, Liu, Eyeless Jack, Ann, Helen, and Slenderman

Hates no one

Has a… questionable relationship with Jeff

When first starting off he fucking hated her, but she was so goddamn persistent and just kept getting back up despite the multiple times he was certain he’d killed her, to the point she’s grown on him like a parasite

She sees him as her ultimate best friend, her ride or die, and he’s flattered…but he definitely doesn’t feel intensely as she does

Like he obviously doesn’t hate her anymore and actually quite enjoys her company. But she also annoys the shit out of him and he often finds himself needing a break from her constant state of “on”. Girl has no off switch

The two of them are often found lounging together and talking random shit, or sparring

She believes that somehow the first time he killed her, it gave her her weird zombie regeneration abilities

And of course she thinks that’s cool as fuck and nearly worshipped the ground he walks on because of it

The more time has passed the more she’s grown to stop feeling like she needs him to function

She went from making herself Jeff’s biggest fan her whole personality to becoming an actual decent person outside of her unhealthy obsession with him

Surprisingly never had any romantic feelings for the man

Like yeah she was obsessed but not like that

She just thinks he’s waaaaay cooler than other people see him as

Jane and Clockwork are her girl solidarity bffs

Jane was practically the girl’s mentor in how to be girl 101 when Nina was beginning to realize she was trans

Whereas Clockwork was her combat mentor who taught Nina everything she knows about kicking someone’s ass

They went from her cool lesbian moms to her cool lesbian besties

She’s one of the only few who can tolerate LJ’s nonsense

And by nonsense I mean his usual mad hatter ramblings and personality. Nina thinks it’s hilarious and loves that he’s just as down to clown (SORRY) as she is

Her, him, and Sally are the prank trio

The two would do anything to hear that little girl erupt into giggles

Her and Ben bond over scene fashion and old internet stuff

Ben is also her weed dealer. He’s everyone’s weed dealer but she gets special treatment and doesn’t have to pay him shit cause they’re besties

She’s a pretty positive person overall but cannot fucking stand/HATES anyone outside the mansion

She views everyone there like family

The outside world not so much. Bullying has really left her bitter

Hates blackmail but definitely holds grudges!!! It’s hard to get on her bad side though, so no one’s worried about it

Loves breakcore, kpop, jpop, any kind of hyper and electronic music, extra points if it’s pop

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

My dearest Cal, I come bearing emojis and writing vibes again and going back to my roots of slightly obsessing behind my screen on the buddieshannon fic:

🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼

(in all seriousness i am including this little meme because i need you to know this is fully how im in my head representing the emojis to you every single time. i am merely a humble knight offering my sword to you here and eagerly awaiting the fic snippets in return)

AHHH thank you! This is adorable and fuels me, thank you!

I'm going to go ahead and say 1k bc I am not counting that ahaha.

---

It’s a low blow. Especially when he’s changed so much. Been the sole provider for Chris when she was gone. 

Eddie should probably tell her off right now, but instead he just giver her an icy glare. Which is worse. Somehow, it’s worse. 

“Let’s just go,” he says. Frigid. 

She might not have been the source of his bad mood now. But she’s confident she just bumped herself high up on the list. 

◀️

In the car, she tries to apologize. Even though, really, the feeling part of her brain is much more set in her irritation than the thinking part.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” she admits. “It wasn’t fair.”

“No,” Eddie agrees. “It wasn’t.”

Um, well… He’s not supposed to just agree. He’s supposed to also apologize for being cold and moody. 

“It’s just…” Shannon says, hit with a wave of emotion. “Your literal only job at these things is to be excited and positive and tell me it’s going to be okay and that she’ll fit through my birth canal!” 

Eddie makes a pained little noise in his throat. 

“I’m sorry,” he says through gritted teeth. “I am excited. I’m sure the birth will go just fine. I’m just not in a great headspace today, Shannon.”

She should probably let it rest at that. 

Does she? No. 

“It freaks me out when you get like this!” She complains.

“Get like what?” Eddie demands. “I can’t have one bad day without freaking you out? I haven’t done anything, Shannon.”

Does he even know how he’s acting? Like, can he see it? Or is she being entirely overly sensitive? This is completely how he used to be when he’d come home from overseas and he’d shut her out and they’d fight… And… And she just can’t fucking live like that again. But maybe he doesn’t even realize? Maybe she’s overreacting? She needs to test it. 

“Why are you having a bad day?” She asks. 

“What?” Eddie replies. 

“You said you’re just having one bad day! Why are you having a bad day?” 

Eddie groans. If he wasn’t driving, he’d probably make some annoyed little gesture. Pinching his nose or running a hand through his hair. Pointing at something. He likes to point. Like a keyed up hunting dog.

“There was arbitration today,” Eddie admits. 

“Arbitration…” Shannon repeats. “For Buck?”

Eddie nods mutely.

“Oh,” Shannon whispers. So it’s not about her. Or the baby. Or anything but… Well, no. It’s still about family. Still about someone Eddie loves. Loves more than he will say.

Shannon hadn’t known about arbitration. Maddie’s being weird. Buck is avoiding her. Eddie is the personification of a storm cloud. Why would she have known?

“How’d it go?” She asks. 

“Does it seem like it went well?” Eddie fires back.

Shannon glares at him. Bastard. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles. “It fucking sucked, okay?”

“What happened?” She asks. 

He huffs. “He’s… I… I mean, they made me answer questions. Buck… He… He took it too far, Shannon. He crossed a line. Brought up personal shit of Bobby’s… He… I’m furious with him.”

“Okay,” Shannon says. 

They pull into her apartment parking lot. Eddie parks the truck and kills the ignition. Neither of them moves. 

“To me,” Shannon says cautiously. “It sounded like he had sort of a point? I mean, I don’t know any medical stuff, but… I heard about the rebar?”

Eddie scoffs. “It’s not the same thing, Shan. He could bleed out. He could get knocked into something and bleed internally. He could die, easily.”

Shannon’s stomach twists. “Okay. Okay, you’re saying, in your experience, having seen terrible things happen to human bodies, he shouldn’t be working?”

Another heavy sigh. “I don’t know, Shannon. He’s fine, but let’s say… Let’s say the same thing as before happened. He gets pinned by a fire engine. On these meds? He’s dead.”

Shannon nods. “Right.”

“And either way, he’s… He’s being an idiot! They won’t let him back to the station where he sued the captain.” 

That’s… That’s probably true. Even Shannon can see that. But Buck can’t. He thinks he’s getting his job back. 

“Okay,” Shannon says. “Alright. Ignore for a second that he’s probably wrong about all of this-”

“How?” Eddie demands. 

“Just walk with me,” she insists. 

Eddie clenches his jaw. 

“Why are you mad at him, Eddie?” Shannon asks. 

“Are you kidding?” Eddie asks.

“No,” Shannon says. “I’m not kidding.”

“Were you not listening to everything I just said?”

“I was,” Shannon nods. “And, okay. He’s being stupid and he’s wrong. Got it. Why are you mad at him?”

Eddie’s eyes get a little wet.

“Shannon…”

“Let’s talk it through, right?” Shannon says. “He’s suing your captain and your employer, not you. He’s your friend, even if you don’t work together. Why is this so personally upsetting, Eddie?” 

He’s silent for a while. Longer than Shannon would expect. Like he’s really processing her question. Has he not bothered to ask himself this question? Or was everything that has happened with Buck’s lawsuit just been another thing he tried to swallow without chewing? 

“I don’t understand why he’s doing this to us,” Eddie whispers finally. 

“Who? The 118?” Shannon asks. 

Eddie shakes his head. “Me and him.”

Oh.

“What do you mean?” She asks. 

She thinks she knows, but she also thinks he should just… Say it. Try saying it. It helped her once. She’d never said out loud why she wouldn’t come home to him and Chris. And when she did, she could face it. 

“Buck…” He starts, then he trails off. He wipes his eyes. “This is so dumb.”

“It’s not dumb, Eddie,” she argues. “You obviously need to talk about it.”

He inhales deeply. Long-suffering. 

“It’s like he’s choosing this idea of the job - one that he could have had if he just waited and now won’t get - over us,” Eddie says. “Over… Our friendship.” 

“Honestly? I don’t think he’s thinking about you,” Shannon says. “Not to be a dick… Just… I’m not sure he factored your reaction into his choice.”

[gatorlovebot]

The long simping puppy Simon anon is back because you summoned me (totally didn’t ascend to heaven realizing you wanted more of my dumb thoughts). I’m having a flare up in some disability shit so I’m not the most coherent but I’m focused on the turning point of when puppy play starts to turn sexual. Like reader is still so conscious of Simon and his trauma and his boundaries, so they just tell Simon “take what you want. You’re always my good boy, and good boys get rewards.” Just showing him he’s always allowed pleasure, that it’s not something shameful or that needs to be earned, that you always want him to feel good, and his brain is just replaying “you’re always my good boy” on a loop. He starts off with just humping various parts of your body, or rides you thigh, but he’s staring at your clothed cunt and drooling a little. Him humping against your foot/calf before he finally just shoved his head up against your cunt trying to huff your smell through the fabric of your pants and panties and whining when he can’t. You have to shove them down to mid-thigh without moving your foot at all (don’t want him to think you’re leaving or punishing him), and he’s immediately there, panting and huffing and cumming on your leg, but he still continues to hump and when he finally gives a kitten lick to your dripping pussy? He immediately cums again from the taste.

After that day, he’s further obsessed with your pussy, the smell of it, the taste of it. His favorite way to cuddle is to be on the floor with his doggy bed beneath him for his knees while you sit on the couch and both your legs are over his shoulders, so his face rest right at your clothed cunt, letting him dream as he smells his favorite smell from his favorite place <3 he steals your panties constantly, huffing them and sucking on them. You don’t need to buy him any chews, just give him your used panties <3

Of course, the whole time you’re praising him, telling him he’s never done anything wrong, that you love him and how much he loves your fat cunt, that he’s welcome to do anything at any time because he is your precious good boy, and all that jimmy jazz.

Just becoming free use to your precious puppy to make sure he knows he is allowed pleasure <3

oh anon, i love your thought and want them all the time <3 and i'm so sorry you're going through a difficult time rn, sending you love and good vibes!!

i loooove the free use aspect of this so much because that's all i want to give him. he's such a good puppy, he deserves pleasure and i'll give it to him however he wants and needs it. i do think it might confuse him at first, not really understanding this dynamic because he's the puppy which mean you're the one that's supposed to be in charge and yet here you are...letting him use your body however he wants? it's not that he doesn't trust it at first, having spent months building trust between the two of you so you could things exactly like this, it's just not what he was expecting. but those thoughts quickly leave his mind as soon as you start cooing at him and he gets a whiff of your wet cunt.

he gets whatever he wants from you because pleasure is never going to be conditional. but even with that, he's the perfect boy, never does anything wrong. he sits at your feet without any issue, let's you fuss over him and takes praise and pets perfectly, when you hand feed him food he's so gentle, licking at your fingers in apology if he happens to nip them when eating a morsel of food.

he deserves anything and everything from you. the humping is just soooo <3 i want him to be at just his basic animal instincts, being so worked up and needy and desperate he just ruts his hips against any part of your body he's closest too. and he thinks about your pussy soooo much before this point. you've spent days and days just focusing on him, letting him know he's allowed to have these feelings and wants, allowed to take what he wants from you. but he's not sure he's allowed to have your pussy.

but he's just so desperate for you, can't help but shove his face against the warm heat of your cunt. he's messy with it too, but thick tongue drooling all over, slobbering all over your folds. he whines and yips at the way your cunt pulses against his tongue and writhe against the couch.

and YES he is absolutely obsessed with your used panties. i love to imagine its something that he doesn't open up to you about at first, not sure if it's a step too far. but one day he's left alone, you needing to step out for a few hours and he takes his chance. he roots around in your dirty laundry like a naughty puppy before he finds his prize. he brings it up into bed with him, curled up in sheets that smell like you before he rubs his face in the crotch of your panties, drifting off. he's startled awake when he feels something warm and something against his back, you've arrived back home to find him bundled up in his makeshift nest. he tries to hide the panties, embarrassed and ashamed at being caught, but you reassure him that's ok, that your panties are his to take if he wants them. you tell him how good it makes you feel to know he wants your scent when he's not around. you wrap yourself around and fist his weepy puppy cock, letting him hump in your hand, cooing in his ear as he's cums thick and wet in your hand.

he's just so perfect and i neeed him <3

[spittyfishy]

What did you think of Season 5 of ML, if you have seen it?

So, I have seen season 5 and frankly… I wasn’t a fan.

Season 5 was just chocked full of missed opportunities, because there were some interesting ideas there but the show's writing fumbled the execution so hard it was difficult to watch at times. Just seeing character assasination after character assasination unfold on screen was so unpleasant. I don’t think a single character came out of season 5 unscathed, I’m wracking my brain for anyone that got better this season, or at least didn’t get worse in some way, and I can’t think of any.

To be fair, there were a few bits I liked. A couple akuma designs were good (Hoaxer, Dark Humour, Queen Mayor, and Ryukomori). I thought the Ryukomori episode was well done, I’d probably say it was the best of the season (which is a low bar). But everything else with Kagami was bad. Full honesty I hate Felix and what his role in the story has been so far, but I especially don’t like that Kagami got brought down with him. Felix is the entire reason Hawkmoth got EVERY OTHER MIRACULOUS and it seems like everyone forgot that?? He didn’t get any consequences At All, and yet when Chloé worked with Hawkmoth (when he already had the miraculous for the record) she was painted as the worst person on earth.

I know I’m not the only one who’s pointed out the double standard between how the girl characters are treated compared to the boys, but it really got highlighted this season. Male characters like Andre, Jaggedstone, Felix, and even Hawkmoth himself can do any number of horrible things and still be ‘sympathetic’, but the two fourteen year old girls are irredeemably evil?

I’ll admit I'm biased, Chloé has been my favourite favorite character since I started watching in season one, but she really deserved better than the show gave her. I don’t have an issue with her staying a villain, in fact I think she worked really well as a minor antagonist in season one, she moved the story along and was entertaining to watch. But the last two seasons they’ve made her out to be this giant threat, but haven’t let her actually do anything! She’s been nothing more then a lacky to Lila and Hawkmoth, as far as having Lila in her ear telling her exactly what to say. If Chloé is as bad as the show claims then she shouldn’t need other characters to hold her hand and tell her how to be mean.

But the writing is just like that. They really need to get better at ‘show don’t tell’, and even more importantly, consistency. Because they keep adding things after the fact and retconning things from the earlier seasons to try and clap back at fans criticisms, and it’s just sad. I’ll never stop complaining about the absolute train wreck that was Derision. They made Chloé worse then she was in season one, and made Kim so much dumber then he needed to be. At the beginning of season one Kim was characterized as a bully, he antagonized Ivan in Stone Heart and helped Chloé willingly in episodes like LadyWifi. But for Derision Chloé had to trick him into pranking Marinette? Why?

The pacing in that episode was even worse, because so much of it was dedicated to a flash back everything else was rushed at the end. And Marinette saying she’d never crush on anyone again if she didn’t know everything about them was clearly just the writers trying to justify her frankly creepy actions in earlier seasons because people pointed out that it wasn’t cute or funny it was just weird. And her whole line and issues in that episode flat out don’t work as a retcon because A: why even crush on Adrian at all if she vowed not to like anyone associated with Chloé, and B: we’ve already seen her in a relationship with Luka where she didn’t show ANY of the obsessive behaviour she showed Adrian OR freaking out about going on dates. AND ON TOP OF THAT there’s been two other timelines where her and Adrian have started a relationship (Chat Blanc, Ephemeral) and she hasn’t had any of the issues that come up in Derision.

It’s just such a lazy way of writing the story, and that’s really the core issue with this season. It feels lazy, like the writers couldn’t be bothered to watch their own show and make plots that fit in the world they’ve already built.

Miraculous is a franchise that’s dear to my heart, it’s how I met my best friend and really became comfortable sharing my art online, and I still really like creating content related to the characters, but I’ve been very disappointed in the show since about the end of season three. I still have a small amount of hope that maybe the show will turn itself around and improve, but it’s dwindling.

But at least when cannon goes off it’s rocker that’s what fan works are for!

[topazadine]

"I've Outlined Too Much and Now I Can't Write!" (Or: the Double Outline Method for Overanxious Plotters)

I see this a lot. I do this a lot. So let's talk about outlining, and how you truly can have too much of a good thing.

In 2022, I tried to write your typical boilerplate samurai novel called Birds of Japan. Standard fare: bisexual daimyō in an arranged marriage with a retainer’s daughter who prefers getting off with his karō (second in command), but slowly comes to love his wife after she helps him defeat a rival lord. Sword fights, gay sex, beheadings, abductions, etc etc, who cares.

I could have made something interesting out of it, especially if I added way more gay sex, but I got 119 pages in and never finished.

Well, that page count is disingenuous. Only 67 of those pages were actual writing.

The rest? All outline.

That’s right. Fifty-seven pages of outline. And there was even more, because I deleted the outline as I went along.

Does this sound like you? Do you have dozens of pages of outline, worldbuilding, character reference sheets, and so on? Okay, good. You're my target audience here.

If you don't have this problem, then congratulations! You are a good and moral person who doesn't torment yourself with outlines. You have nothing to learn from me in this post. You're golden.

Now, back to my fellow overplanners. Why are our Game of Thrones-sized outlines a problem? They create a lack of motivation.

Excessive Outlining Tricks Your Brain

In my post about spreadsheet word counts, I discussed intrinsic motivation, which is when you create goals and compete with yourself in order to get more done. The issue is that you can ruin your intrinsic motivation by planning too much.

This is called mental rehearsal, which Dr. Dev Rowchowdhury, a performance psychologist, explains:

Mental rehearsal involves imagined, mental practice of performing a task as opposed to actual practice. That is, when engaging in mental rehearsal, one imagines performing without having to actually do anything. Using Mental Rehearsal to Boost Your Performance and Well-Being in Sport and Exercise

This is all well and good for athletes, who cannot be physically performing their chosen sport at all times. Sometimes, they need to think through their actions and envision themselves performing it as they should.

However, it goes out the window for us writers. Yes, we do need some form of mental rehearsal, which we then capture in an outline. But if we fantasize too much, we have made our brain believe we’ve already done it. Given that we don’t need kinesthetic memory but actual execution, over-outlining is deleterious for our craft.

At other times, overplanning might cause analysis paralysis. Jodi Clark, a Licensed Professional Counselor, describes it as thus:

Analysis paralysis refers to overthinking a problem to the point that it becomes more difficult to make a decision. It often happens when people are overwhelmed by their choices or have too much information to sort through before they make a choice.  What Is Analysis Paralysis? How Overthinking Affects Your Decision Making

In short, you are doing so much thinking and planning that when you need to do the real work, you can’t because you’re overwhelmed by how much you’ve already done.

I think it is a combination of these two factors that leads to the heartbreaking posts from new writers who have spent months, or even years, daydreaming about their characters and planning their book, but then find themselves completely unable to work. They have rehearsed everything so much that now they have no motivation to continue.

But I’m not telling you to completely give up on outlining.

Planning is good, but not good when you become so rigidly obsessed with your outline that you can’t feel creative: now you’re just following orders you gave yourself and providing no space for different execution.

So, as with everything, whether that is descriptive density or characterization, you need to come to balance. How are we going to do that?

Think Once, Outline Twice

Or just be a heron. They don't think or outline. If only we all had that option.

Anyway. For this method, you will have a long outline and a fast outline. The long outline is where you get out every single thing that you want to include in a given scene, chapter, etc. Anything that you know you may want to have happen, you put it here.

This double outline example is from my beloved fanfic, "Midsummer Nightmare," but I've used this same method while writing The Eirenic Verses.

The words here don’t really matter, so don’t strain your eyes. You just need to see that it’s pretty long, a page for one chapter. I’ve mentioned the conversations, the way that everyone acts, their specific movements that show their emotions, a few snippets of what I intend to write, etc. All very helpful: I can see exactly how the story is going to go.

However, if I work off this, I don’t really have much room for creative freedom. It will feel like I’m plugging in piece after piece, line after line. I may even find myself tempted to tell rather than show because I can no longer visualize things other than what I have already told myself.

When beta reading, I can tell who used long outlines; their sentences read as if they are ripped straight off their planning document. Do not do that. Unless you have written a specific phrase in quotes that you want to use, or a really good piece of dialogue, follow this adage:

What goes in your outline stays in your outline.

You’re not using any of that; it serves as a reminder of what you actually want to write. So, now that you have things set up for yourself (but not written), you want something faster that will not stymie your creative process.

Next, make a fast outline that has only the most relevant plot points.

Much better: only a quarter of a page. I don’t have the action beat for beat, so I know I have to make it up myself in the actual writing. None of this reads as something that would actually happen in the real text (at least, I hope not) because it’s so boring and straightforward.

There are no showing details, almost no dialogue, no real feel for how the scene plays out. Now I feel like I have to get it done myself.

But! And this is a big, voluptuous but.

You Still Have Your Long Outline as a Lifeline

Because this fast outline only covers the most general of plot points, you might not include things that you really wanted to add in there, specifically regarding tension, setting, and so on. Thankfully, you’ve got it right there for you in your long outline, which you can scurry back to if you don’t know what to do next.

Sometimes we set things aside for a while and come back utterly bewildered about what we were trying to do, which is where the longer outline comes in.

We can refamiliarize ourselves with what we wanted to do, then put the long outline aside and turn back to the fast outline. This way, we’re not being tricked into thinking we’ve already done all the work.

I have already finished drafting the 8th book in my series, Perseity, and outlined the 10th, Plexity, because I did the project completely out of order. Now I have now jumped allll the way back to the very second book and will be working my way forward again. To be quite honest, I’ve already forgotten half the stuff that happens in Perseity and have a very, very vague remembrance of Plexity.

But that’s okay! When I’m finally ready to work on Perseity and Plexity, I have my long outline right there. I’ll then cut it down, just as I did before, and I will have a good working knowledge of how I want to proceed.

Many times, the long outline works as a type of “background program” as you write. You have the details in your head, but you’re not staring at them while you work, meaning you’re not tempted to copy-paste them right into your document.

Okay … I hear you complaining right about now.

“But Topazadine, that’s so much extra work! Why not have only the short outline in the first place?”

If you can work off just a few lines from the jump (or are even, dare I say it, a pantser), then that's amazing and I wish you the best of luck. However, not everyone is like that.

I'm talking to the people who plot, and plot, and plot like their lives depend on it because they get anxious not knowing where the story is going to go. Or they just get so excited about figuring out all the plot points that they kinda forget about the writing part.

So sure, it is a bit extra work: removing lines from the long outline, deciding what is so essential that you need to have it available to you, and checking back in with the long outline if you really have to.

However, this way fights the pesky mental rehearsing while still allowing you to plan ahead. It is the way that you can get it done but still have your big long comfort-object outline.

Double Outlines Give You the Best of Both Worlds

You get to meticulously plan without overwhelming yourself. You have some of the freedom that pantsers enjoy, but you also get the comfort of outlining – without sacrificing motivation.

A lot of times, I do the long outline and then never look at it again; I’ve memorized most of what I want to do and can follow the short outline. However, because I don’t have my full plans right there to review, I don’t feel like I’ve already done the work: I know I need to actually write the real thing.

This method works well for those who get anxious about the idea of pantsing but struggle to retain their motivation once they’ve completed their outline. It’s also great for those who have spent a lot of time analyzing and daydreaming about their work, to the point where they don’t even feel they need to write it.

If you often find yourself paralyzed after planning, consider double outlining.

Double outlines are simple and effective. Though they may seem like they take much more work than just a short outline, it’s actually not that hard to distill your plans into a brief. In fact, many use a similar method for developing their synopsis before they start to write, allowing them the freedom to cut everything down before they try to query.

Of course, no tool works for everyone. If you try this and don’t like it, you have my blessing to never do it again. Everyone is different, which is why writing is such a wonderful craft!

Knowing that there are other strategies can be incredibly helpful if you’re new to writing and have no idea where to start. I’m always happy to share, and I hope you get some benefit from dipping your toe into double outlining.

And, since I have demonstrated my utility to you, perhaps you'll consider purchasing my debut novel?

9 Years Yearning is a coming-of-age gay romance set in a fantasy world with poetry magic. It follows two young men as they grow from sorta-enemies, to frenemies, to friends, and finally to lovers.

If you do read it, please don't forget to leave a review!

Reviews are essential to getting visibility on Amazon, so every single one is golden to me.

[toads-treasures]

Writer Interview

I got tagged by @forget-me-maybe and @pouroverpaloma, thank you for the tag!!! I'm sorry that I definitely may have overshared!!

When did you start writing?

This is going to sound cliche but, since I learned how to write at all, I think? I distinctly remember that I got in trouble when I was about six years old, because I took a photo album that had nice sturdy paper pages from the laundry room and wrote a mystery story in it. I remember it was a mystery because on every other page I colored my own version of the old transitions they’d do in cartoons, with a question mark with concentric colorful circles around it lol. Strangely vivid memory of those transition pages, I think I was very proud of them. 

But I’ve been writing and “illustrating” pretty much my entire life. I started writing fanfiction in middle school or highschool, and that’s what I’ve always liked writing the most.

Then I decided to get a creative writing degree, which then led me to developing both a god complex and a crippling sense of perfectionism and self doubt, and completely drained any enjoyment from writing literally anything, because I couldn’t get my professor’s voices out of my head. I loved my professors and I think I learned a lot, but I became so obsessed with my writing being perfect and impressive and something they would want and like, that I stopped writing things that I liked. So, I had a crisis and dropped out! And didn’t write anything for like four years so 🫠 but we’re slowly gettin’ back into it. 

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I don’t think there are any themes I enjoy reading that I couldn't really write, but genres definitely. I don’t know if I could write a contemporary romance. Unless I am doing a modern AU lol but even then I always seem to end up adding some kind of fantastical element.  I love reading a good Emily Henry novel, but I try to write a lighthearted contemporary romance and inevitably some ghosts or fucked up fairies of some sort will appear. I gotta inject a little horror and fantasy into pretty much everything I write, which I think a lot of people are surprised by. I’m surprised by it, because I am such a baby I can’t handle watching horror movies. I think less horror, and more like, gothic elements maybe? IDK man it’s been a long time since I’ve been in a literature class.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I wanna be Maggie Stiefvater when I grow up. She’s a young adult novelist but she is such a talented writer, I can’t even explain other than her books make my brain go !!!!! 

I cannot recommend Scorpio Races or The Raven Cycle enough. She’s got such a distinct voice, and she is really good at magical realism which I love. I don’t know if I intentionally try to emulate her though I think I’m just a sponge that just absorbs bits and pieces of anything I read, but I think I have unintentionally stolen a line or two from her before.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I have a home office that I adore and is super cute and cozy but unfortunately most of my writing is done at work on my lunch break. But that’s also a pretty nice place, a shaded courtyard at the hospital I work at that’s got really nice tall trees that blossom in the spring. 

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I always come up with some pivotal character detail or plot point while I’m doing dishes. Then I have to scramble for my phone with sudsy hands to immediately tell Liz I have had A Thought.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I think a lot of my stories are about grief, which I don’t usually realize until later. Grief and memory and growing out of the place you were born, and the kind of dissonance that comes from wanting so desperately to go home but not fitting when you get there. Or things are different than how you remember, for better and for worse. I love thinking about complicated parent/child relationships, and coming to the realization that more often than not your parents are neither heroes or villains, they’re just people.  Coming of age stories but the protag are in their late twenties? 

I looooove to write about people slowly (or not so slowly) falling in love and the little things you notice about someone when that’s happening. Like the way a slight sunburn sometimes makes blue eyes look even bluer, the way someone’s eyes widen before they start laughing, like they’re surprised at their own amusement. Getting to know someone in so many different contexts. So different kinds of intimacy I guess? It wasn’t until recently that I even considered writing smut lmao and even now when I try the characters just end up having some deep conversation and unearthing some kind of trauma. Let’s not analyze what that says about me. 

But it always seems to come back to grief at some point and living with loss and growing around it. Which is strange because I’m very lucky to have not gone through that process with anyone extremely close to me. It is definitely something I think about a lot though, it’s almost like I’m trying to brace myself, or practice grieving before it actually happens.

What’s your reason for writing?

Escapism babyyy. I say escapism then talk about how all I ever write about is grief….so….but it is both escapism and kind of working through some shit emotionally lol. One of my favorite possibly cringey things to do, but something that has genuinely helped me a lot, is creating a character that has a lot of qualities that I feel self conscious about. They have ADHD, they’re tall and a little clumsy, or they’ve got the same body type as me. They also dropped out of art school. But it doesn’t bother them at all. They’re not insecure about any of those things. Or if they are, they learn not to be. And the other characters love them anyway.

One of the things I’ve really enjoyed doing with a lot of the fanfiction I write is I get a chance to write about the moments in between the big moments. Explore aspects of characters that maybe there wasn’t time for in the game. Or you know if it’s Wyll just aspects that Larian didn’t bother to do at all i’m not bitter 

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Literally any. I crave any form of validation. I love when people can point out themes and stuff to me because I usually miss that myself lol.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

Uhhhhhhhhh I have never considered this. Positively? I think more than anything I want people to care as much as I care about these characters, that we’re all being genuine and sincere and sappy together.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I don’t know if it’s my greatest strength lol but I love writing dialogue. That always comes easily to me. And descriptions of landscapes. That’s always something people in class would point out. I will wax poetic about a mountain or the sea don’t test me. 

How do you feel about your own writing?

It comes and goes lol. I try not to think about it too much honestly because I’ll spiral pretty fast into extremely self critical territory and freeze up. Because I must be a genius, Professor Signor told me so, now I have this impossible standard to live up to. Also my professor never told me I was a genius but she did really like my writing and wanted me to take a bunch of honors classes and be on the school literary magazine and all of that pressure and expectation kiiinda made me freak out and run away. So now I try to just have fun, and that’s what I want to feel more than anything is that I’m having fun, and truly enjoying this part of me that has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. 

tagging @hauntedliz @mars-colonyand @likesomethingblooming if you wanna!

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

ghostbur for the bingo :)

YAYYYY GHOSTBUR!!! :D

I have cried over Ghostbur. I have cried. This probably doesn’t sound like much, but I personally hardly ever cry. It is a Momentous Occasion if I shed a tear—which I have done for my love Ghostbur <3 His story is so unbearably tragic and sad and much of it fills me with anger, and just… he really makes me Feel Things. A lot of things.

At this point I sorta wish Ghostbur was my OC 😭 Because then I could give him a canon happy ending that does not involve Limbo or merging with Wilbur. Like. I dislike Both of those things with quite a passion. I want Ghostbur to be mine I want to give him canon soft blankets and canon soup and canon hugs with Friend and canon happiness & healing :( I also get very easily upset over Ghostbur takes that I don’t like, or when I see people mischaracterizing him, and I just feel so protective lol EVEN THOUGH I know he’s not my character! He is simply… so special and dear and beloved to me. I want to protect him :(

Literally my Ghostbur playlist is like 30 hours long okay I am not even joking. If I listen to a song, there is a High chance that I associate it with Ghostbur—a high chance!!! And this isn’t just with music either; I see sweaters, I see blue flowers, I see sheep, I see red hats, I see many many things, and I think of Him <33 My obsession over this little guy is Boundless and I could probably make anything about Ghostbur if I were to think about it enough. I’m half-convinced that every single AJR song could fit Ghostbur.

IF GHOSTBUR WAS REAL- 😭 IF. IF HE WAS REAL! I WOULD WANNA BE FRIENDS WITH HIM SOOOOO BAD!! I WOULD WANNA HUG HIM!! I WOULD WANNA LISTEN TO HIM RAMBLE!! I WOULD WANNA LISTEN TO HIS BEAUTIFUL STRANGE THOUGHTS!! I WOULD WANNA TALK TO HIM!! I WOULD WANNA GO ON WALKS WITH HIM!! I WOULD WANNA HEAR HIM SING!! I WOULD WANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! I seriously want to be friends with him so very badly. I am not joking about this.

I really don’t project onto characters that much, but oh. Ghostbur 😭 He’s already an extremely relatable guy to me (a rarity, I hardly ever find characters I relate to) and he’s also become very important & special to me, and I’ve… really accidentally found myself projecting 😅 I did not mean to do this!!! What do you mean he sneezes when he looks at the sun. What do you mean. I didn’t do that. That’s how he came in the box. I’m telling you. Believe me.

His yellow sweater is soooooo <3 I have been wanting to find and buy a yellow sweater that looks like his but I CAN’T FIND A GOOD ONE!!! MISERY!!!

*clings to the one-and-a-half Ghostbur streams that we ever got* Aksgajsgajsgjafs I know he showed up in a lot of other streams, but we didn’t really get much Ghostbur-centric content. A few good things, a few important things, but mostly he was there to talk to others/be friends with others/etc. I wish we could’ve gotten a few more streams because I want to see what his facial expressions were :((

Oooooh boy, snazzy indeed. Yes.

Ghostbur has an entire section of my brain all to himself lol, that’s what it feels like XD I have Other Parts Of My Brain and then I have Ghostbur. He lives there now. He does not pay rent but I don’t care because I’m happy to have him <3 I love this man.

*points* BEAN!!! He is soooo sweet and adorable I just <333

I cannot even tell you how many awful rancid Ghostbur takes I have seen 😭😭 Like… oh they make me angry. They fill me with so much rage. I will rant about these things. Likeeeee it’s super rare for me to find a Ghostbur fan who actually gets his character; most Ghostbur enjoyers have really strange, incorrect ideas about him. It makes me upset :(

HUGS!!! HUGS!!! GIVE THE MAN HUGS!!! LET HIM HUG HIS SHEEP AND BE LOVED!!!!!!

I have so much Ghostbur Knowledge stored away oh my goodness!! <3 I could go on and on for hours about this man, he Does something to me that cannot be contained. I love Ghostbur.

HE REALLY FREAKING FILLS ME WITH THINGS HE MAKES ME FEEL A LOT OF EMOTIONS HE IS SO BRILLIANT AND BEAUTIFUL I JUST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

But oh my gosh he got so much crap in his canon story and with the fandom oh my gosh. And his ending??! Please. I hate his ending with my whole being it makes me so genuinely upset and I hate it. Very AAAAAAAAH y’know.

[corrodedcoughin]

Your Springsteen reblog's got me thinking about Steve as a secret Bruce Springsteen fan. His parents are the kind who are gonna here "born in the USA" and misunderstand it as a rah rah nationalistic anthem, but Steve likes other things about the music, likes to lean back in his car parked up out of the way somewhere and just listen. The music makes him mad at things, but also makes him feel a kinship for people, and it just sort of sits with him in a different way and he feels kind of protective of it. (And kind of defensive about the way looking at some of Springsteen's promo and album shots make him feel)

He's gonna (or maybe already has, maybe he and Robin go to a concert together, once, after Scoops) have his world rocked a tiny bit the day he watches Bruce and Clarence kiss on stage.

Anon!!! Anon I’m picking you up and spinning you around the room!!! ABSOLUTELY YES!!! Also I’d like to say that you ABSOLUTELY have to speak to @kkpwnall because they are my Springsteen aficionado

I don’t know if this is how you see it but!!!

Steve knows he’s maybe a little obsessed with the man singing on the radio, on his tapes, on his records. For the first time his mind has stuck on something that isn’t sports or cars and his parents aren’t delighted but he’s at the point where he just doesn’t care. Steve has found Bruce Springsteen and he feels like can actually connect to it instead of using the music to fill the background silence.

And Robin? Robin fuels it, she loves seeing Steve take so much joy in something that he found for himself so when the opportunity comes up for the Tour tickets she works extra shifts, begs her mom for extra chores, stops buying paperbacks all to get those tickets for Steve. She gets a couple of weeks in when steve asks her if she’ll go with him, she’s the only person he feel confident enough to ask. Of course she says yes and let’s him know that she has been saving to surprise him.

He almost reprimands her, almost tells her she shouldn’t have bothered, that he has more than enough money to get tickets for both of them. But he doesn’t, he smiles and lets the thought of somebody, of Robin, working to the bone for him. He picks her up and spins her, both of them laughing at the surprise.

The day the of the gig comes and Steve is bouncing on the balls of his feet, can barely contain himself. Suddenly they are in the venue. The whole drive gone in the blink of an eye after listening to solely Bruce. Steve laughs, can’t believe he’s going to be seeing him, seeing Bruce. Thanks Robin again but she stops him, reminds him that the lesbians love Springsteen so if anything steve has done her a favour.

The gig is electric, it’s overwhelming and all encompassing. Steves standing with his best friend listening to his favourite band when Bruce slides up to Clarence and Steve’s heart stops. They get closer. Steve stops breathing. They kiss. And Steve’s brain stops. Then. Suddenly all his senses come back in a rush and it’s everything. It’s over in the flash but Steve is still staring. Still amazed. Wishes he could replay that split second over again. Because that moment? That moment might be the very thing that changes Steve’s life.

[casp1an-sea]

TW Vent:

It took me like 2 weeks of college and I already tapped out. To say this week has been shit would be an understatement. It’s not just college, or family, or friends, it’s fucking everything all at once plus my brain being stupid. Right now I’m wandering around campus trying to go anywhere but my dorm and I don’t even know why. The stuff I pushed back so I could enjoy my first weeks of college is back and worse than before plus a whole bunch of new shit. I cried yesterday like genuinely for the first time in a long time, and idk that made me angry. I hated that it was so hard to cry. I want to cry right now but I feel like I can’t, I feel like my body is incapable. Which makes me not only feel like my feelings are invalid, but also trapped because I can’t have that emotional release. And on top of all this I have to be responsible? I have to clean my dorm room, do home work, go to class, study, and i’m also expected to be social? I dont want to be around people right now but I also don’t wanna be alone but when I’m around people (both online and irl) I feel like I’m a burden to them. And all of this is scary so I curl up in a corner and procrastinate. I would say Kylux is the only thing getting me through but I also hate it because it just feels so cringy (Ik it’s not I’m just insecure about it) and I feel like I’m gonna ruin it again I’m going to obsess over it to the point my friends even can’t take it anymore like I’ve done with so many other interests. Maybe I already have done that. Probably have. Definitely have for some people at least. Heck sometimes I feel like I annoy the actual Kylux Fandom. Plus I want to do so many things with it but I don’t have the energy or time which adds onto my feeling of being behind. I always feel like I’m running out of time. My anxiety is a constant in my life, and I can’t even do anything about some of these issues because they’re irrational or it’s not the right time or a number of other hindrances. I just need things to stop moving so fast. I need a break, but also I can’t take one, I had one, it was summer, but that’s over and now I just have this constant feeling of too much, there’s to much going on, there’s to many emotions, to many things to process so I just feel numb, and I just need it all to shut up. But there’s no pause button for life so I just have to put up with it I guess.

[thewintersoldierdisaster]

fellow lawyer here but just graduated in may! any tips on not going absolutely insane during bar studying? we’re 3 weeks out and i feel like im going to puke constantly.

omg congrats!!! there’s nothing quite like your bar summer (i still have nightmares even though i’m a few years out lol)

i’m probably the worst person to ask for advice bc i drank 2-3 trenta black iced coffees a day and gave myself an ulcer, but i did pass on the first try so it was worth it

with just a couple of weeks left, my best advice is to trust yourself and trust your studying. you know more than you think you know!! but here’s a few more little bits of advice under the cut ☺️

stop studying about halfway through the day on the sunday before the test and just let your brain breathe, don’t study on monday either. the last few days before the test it’s going to feel like you know NOTHING, but i promise that’s not the case. random obscure little laws will pop into your brain while you’re taking the test and you’ll be surprised at what you recall. i have never felt stupider than when i went into the test on tuesday morning.

don’t let people around you stress you out with their method of studying. people will be rattling off statutes and ucc sections and you’ll feel like an idiot. or they’ll be taking time off from studying and making it look easy, but you can’t be concerned with what other people are doing (unless you surround yourself with friends who study in a similar manner, then embrace that and quiz each other with flash cards)

take little breaks during the day to walk around, outside or even a lap of the library. sitting still after a couple of hours drove me crazy

i put screen time limits on every app and allowed myself a few minutes to scroll socials at lunchtime and the end of the day just to wind down (i also watched a lot of yankee games when i was done studying for the night bc i didn’t need to use my brain and was distracted lol)

i did SO MANY practice essays and mpts, which i think is like the key to passing. towards the end of prep, i was just bullet pointing the issues, laws and analysis, not even writing a full essay because i wanted to make sure i could issue spot. and remember that even if you forget a law, you can make one up and apply your facts to your made up law and you’ll still get points!! better to write ANYTHING than NOTHING

it’s totally natural to feel like puking every day because it’s three months of psychological warfare, tbh. follow your bar prep schedule and don’t worry about falling behind a bit or skipping around. my professors told as that as long as you completed like 90-95% of the barbri schedule, we were in good shape

i cried every day of the last two weeks of bar prep, but not for longer than a few minutes. i just needed to get the emotion out

don’t eat anything too heavy or out of the norm the days leading up to the test. you don’t want to have gastro issues while sitting for the test! i didn’t drink that much while i was taking the test bc i didn’t want to have to run to the bathroom lol

you’ll feel totally numb afterwards and i couldn’t remember a single question by the time i got home, which is def the brain protecting itself from obsessing until results are out

it sucks so much, but the test goes faster than you think it will and you’re so much more prepared than you think you are, i promise!!!

GOOD LUCK and let me know how you feel after you take it!!! rooting for you so hard!!! 🤍🤍🤍

[pricklenettle]

I really like your beautiful art! What's your favorite things to use for it? (Technique, media, anything and everything you want to include because I am obsessed with your content, etc) 💛💛💛

Thank you so much!!! that is so sweet of you

I had to think about this one because I have a very eclectic system and I use a bunch of different stuff depending on how the wind shifts that day.

The little no one knows au comic that I have going on is done entirely in ball point pen. I like how rough it looks and how easy it is to get really dark or really light. It’s like the pen version of a pencil. People say it’s a good way to practice because you can’t erase and it forces you to think more about the lines you are putting down. They are absolutely right but for anything I’m going to post I generally make the pencil sketch first and draw over it.

colored pencil. I have a complicated relationship with these. For a while I scorned them as irritating and grainy textured, but they make coloring so much easier and I currently have picked out a selection that I really like. I recently went through a pile of sketchbooks from when I was little and I found out that I did a lot of colored pencil because they were more portable than watercolor. It felt a little bit like crawling back to an ex

I love watercolor but I desperately need to practice more. Coloring is just simply not my strong suit. i am confident in my linework but making colors look good is just so tricky.

In conclusion: I just enjoy throwing whatever I have at hand at my paper and seeing what happens. It’s fun and I think my brain needs it to stay alive

It makes me super happy to see other people enjoy it too

Thank you for the ask <3

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

So, my plan to stop drinking has slipped as the weeks have gone on in 2024; I didn’t drink anything at all in January and it was psychological hell, I extended that for a week into February and then had a bit and then no more for two weeks and actually kept that up successfully and it was still quite terrible. Then started loosening the rules throughout March, mainly because my tolerance was so much lower than it’s been for about 14 years after drinking so little for 2 months, which made me realize I could drink much less than usual and still feel the effects, and drinking only a bit can’t be that bad, so I’d let myself have just a few drinks in a night and enjoy the fact that I’d end up nearly as drunk as I’d previously have been after 9-10 beers + whiskey, but obviously once I started getting affected by the alcohol it would also affect my judgement and I’ve have more. So I’d end the night by drinking much less than I would have before 2024, but more than I’d planned to when the night had begun, and the amount crept up every week.

I’m still doing much better than I was before I started this (if you define “better” entirely as “having fewer drinks” – mentally it still sucks). Before I started this fulltime in-person job in August last year, when I was doing work from home as I had been for years, I was drinking between 2 and 4 nights most weeks, probably (usually closer to 4 than 2, though). When I started this job I made a rule to never have any alcohol if I have to work the next day, and was surprised that I didn’t find it all that difficult to go down to never drinking more than twice a week. Though that’s mainly because I was incredibly stressed from Monday to Friday about having to be around people and “on” all day, I was obsessive about getting enough sleep and doing everything else right to avoid making it any harder so the last thing I wanted was alcohol, until I got off work on Friday and then the only thing I wanted was alcohol and I’d drink all night on Friday and then usually all afternoon as well as the night on Saturday.

Until the end of 2023, when my job shut down for a week and I drank on four nights of that week and I woke up after the fourth one deciding it might be Admit I Have A Problem Time. Or at least, See How Hard Dry January Is Time. Thinking that because I’d found it easy to cut out drinking on weekdays and confine it to only two days per week, it couldn’t that hard to go down from two days to zero. But nope, it turned out my entire system was built on forcing my brain to somehow survive the workweek, and then get a break at the end where I can drink a bunch of beer and whiskey and turn off my brain. If you take away my break, so my brain has to continue unimpaired 24/7, the whole thing collapses. January was terrible.

I’m still doing better than that I was before I resolved to try to slow down. I have not drank more than once a week in 2024. I’ve been picking Friday or Saturday, rather than both. But I never meant to relax my rules to the point of being fine with drinking once a week again. I just kept telling myself this one day of this one weekend can be an exception, and then I realized I’d done that for five weeks in a row. I think if I actually could drink only a small amount once a week forever, that might be fine. But I know if I have a rule that says a small amount once a week, it’ll creep back up to a large amount and both weekend days and I’ll end up drinking weekdays again too. I like it too much.

So I’m trying to reset. I’m still not saying I’ll never ever drink again, I haven’t said that at any point, because if I say that, then if I have one drink I’ll just assume the whole mission’s failed and I may as well give up. But I’m trying to at least stick the rule harder than I have been. I didn’t have anything this weekend. On Friday I met a few friends in a pub, hung out for several hours, ate dinner, drank water all night. On Saturday I spent all day walking around downtown with my roommate, because I wanted to go to this dessert place and suggested he come with me so I could have a social life thing that doesn’t revolve around drinking, since I also told myself in 2024 that I want to try to have more of a social life, and it turns out that trying to increase your social life at the same time as trying to decrease your drinking is difficult if most of your social life revolves around drinking. So I told my roommate we could go for fun desserts and that would be fun non-alcoholic socializing. Which was fine but then on the way home he had us stop at two different pubs where he ordered a beer and I really really wanted to and he suggested that I should too but I didn’t. And I was very pleased with myself for that because I really really did want to.

Here's something. I'm finding myself not wanting to drink with other people these days because I'm trying to put severe limits on the total number of times I drink, and I enjoy drinking alone more than pretty well anything, so I'd rather save up my allotted alcohol intake (the allotment would ideally be zero but in reality its more like, just go as long as I can without it) for that. I can enjoy hanging out with friends even if I'm sober (the thing that makes it hard is that being with them frequently means being near alcohol, and it's hard to do that and stay sober). In fact it's better than being with them while drunk, because it reduces the panic that I've said something horribly wrong. But being with myself is much better drunk than sober.

I write all this to explain how fucking annoyed I am at the fact that I felt hungover all day today. I didn’t even do anything. I haven’t had alcohol in a week. But today I spent all day with that lethargic and general feeling like shit that I normally associate with hangovers. And then just now I threw up and my stomach still feels off. And I didn’t even drink! Instead I get to play: My body’s annual physical rejection of the weather getting warmer, or (sorry, going briefly TMI for a moment here, though I guess I really shouldn’t be more hesitant to briefly mention this than I am to write about having a drinking problem) a reaction to my imminently starting menstrual situation? Probably a bit of both. But it’s not alcohol-related, at least! I can rule that out as a factor in why I threw up on a Sunday night. Somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better.

Also, you know, my brain’s not loving that it didn’t get a break this weekend. Quite the opposite, it spent this weekend on overdrive sitting in pubs and trying not to order anything. Until this afternoon, which I spent very pleasantly listening to several Rankin Family albums in full while reading Andy Zaltzman’s book. That was all right.

…I wanted to complain about how unfair it is that I feel hungover when I didn’t even drink, and I thought, it’s been a while since I’ve done an oversharing personal Tumblr post. Maybe writing an oversharing personal Tumblr post will make me feel better. I got through this weekend without any drink at all, and I should feel proud of myself for that, but I just feel like my reward for doing well is I have to do it again next weekend and then every weekend forever. I don't even get the reward of not feeling hungover on Sunday. But to be honest, writing all this out has, in fact, made me feel slightly better.

Now I'm off to listen to the three episodes I have left of the Radio X show that has been the main thing to take over my life in 2024, or at least, it's tied for the main thing alongside thinking "I wish I could have some alcohol." So it's fun that I've spent the first four months of the year chronicling the journey of a very funny alcoholic. When I started it seemed like those episodes would last forever, now there are only three left.

While I was writing this, my roommate got back from the pub where he spent all afternoon on his own because I didn't want to go with him, because I didn't think I could do a third day of being in a pub but not drinking. And he came over to try to convince me to hang out and I can smell beer on him and it made me very much want to say I'll go have a beer in the living room even though I work tomorrow, but instead I said I have to go to bed. Is it possible that avoiding alcohol means spending your entire life just looking at other people having fun and telling yourself you're not allowed to do that too? Because that seems a bit like I might ruin my entire life. Anyway I'm going to put an amusing radio show on before I go too far down that thought path. I think that's enough oversharing for a bit; posts about how actually it's extremely cool of John Robins to carefully plan out every move on Taskmaster will resume as normal tomorrow.

[s3thwrit3sstuff]

Hi Seth!! I finally found the time to write a proper message…

First off, all your recent works have been so good! Your art too, it’s all so well done. It’s been so long since I’ve seen anything sally face and it made me go watch some old playthroughs… brought me back to my childhood.

(Also, not sure how I never noticed your creepypasta work? Reignited a few of my childhood crushes.)

I don’t know why but I always get so giddy when I see song lyrics from the songs I recommended being used, I’m so glad you like them as much as I do.

I’m sorry anons are being rude in your messages, I fear they need to relearn the virtue of patience and that you don’t owe them work. I personally am willing to wait however long you need for one of your works (even if it isn’t in a fandom I’m from) because I know your works are always absolutely amazing and nothing short of a masterpiece. <3

Have you listened to Ariana’s new album and Hozier’s new EP? I loved ‘We can’t be friends’, ‘don’t wanna break up again’, ‘boy is mine’, and ‘I wish I hated you’ from Ari’s album specifically, although every song in that album was so good. ‘Too Sweet’ and ‘Fare Well’ were my favorite from Hozier’s album, the guitar in both is just so good.

My recommendation for this time (if you haven’t heard it already) is Luna Day’s ‘Obsessed’ and ‘Say it Back’. Unrequited love songs will always have a special place in my heart.

I hope you’ve been well! I missed being able to send messages but school has been kicking my ass… Rereading your works has reinspired me to finally go work on my wips tho lmao

Lots of love,

-Music anon! 🎶🎶🎶

Music nonnie! ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

I’m so sorry it's taken me a while to respond, I always worry a bit about not replying with the same energy sometimes because every time you send an ask it makes me so excited 🥹 I just wanna sit down and give proper responses!

Hehehe, I’m happy to hear the fics have made you stroll down memory lane~! I scoured around online for Sal Fisher X Male!Reader works for so long, that I decided to just make my own at that point. Truly, a queer icon Sa is 😤 I’ve only ever watched Jacksepticeyes playthrough, although! I am peeking at the dubbed playthrough that I saw floating around 👀 Thank you so much for supporting my writings and my art 🥹

(Whenever I streamed myself playing Sally Face on Discord with my IRL friends, we always made silly voices so hearing real VAs do it instead sounds both fun and humbling, lmaooo)

Also! Yes! I’m a huge Creepypasta fan 😫 I may need to touch up on their new “fan-official” lore now but TBH, I tend to just make up my own little stories for them in my head. 💀Very happy to hear that you’ve returned to the trenches that is the creepypasta fandom ☝️😋

About the anons,,,yeah :/// Unfortunately, some people think just because writers are writing fanfiction, we’re not entitled to some respect and patience. I am so thankful for your kindness and understanding, Music nonnie 🥹 You have no idea how comforting your words are to me 🤍

I only listened to “We Can’t Be Friends” but I hopped on to listen to her entire album and my heart hurt 😭 The upbeat songs were so funky though! But “I Wish I Hated You,” made me wanna sob (instantly added to the Gojo YN playlist ☝️).

Hozier always slaps with his siren songs. Seducing me with his voice and lyricism and ARCK! “Too Sweet,” makes me wanna gnaw off my own arm because of how good it is, god...

I’ve listened to the two songs and you never miss 😭 The lyrics, the instrumentals, the vocals...They both sound so full of yearning but so different! Like, they both love someone but they way its expressed makes them angsty itch in my brain go stupid and crazy 😫 You always give me such a big boost in writing with your songs recommendations, ong.

I hope you’ve been doing well, too! School sucks but I know you’ll get through it, I believe in you! >:3 I’d love to read some of your works once they’re published! We can be mooties! 🥺

All my love to you, Music Nonnie! I’m terribly sorry that I suck at replies but I adore your messages and your music so much 🥹