#my brain is losing its fucking shit
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the mental state i'm experiencing right now is something i haven't felt in a Long Time........
#sunrise thoughts#dual fucking wielding two very different yet similar things at once#my brain is losing its fucking shit#and i'm supposed to keep masking it???? oh it's exhausting it's so fucking exhausting.#i'm glad my filters function. most of the time. because Wow.#w o w.#fun fact for y'all: the life series is truly getting to me#i was once a Casual Fan.#now i'm afraid the illness is Getting Way Worse Than I Fucking Expected .#OH WELL!!!!!#we stay silly!!!!!!!!#and little bonus: i'm a martyn guy. y e a h.#hahahaaaahahahahahaaaaaaa#cough#goodbye!!!!! ^-^
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rewatching the first episode of Hannibal and holy shit I forgot how good this is but it's actually insane that Brian fuller set up the ep like this, he introduces will and Hannibal by first briefly showing them at their core, at the darkest, most vile part of them---we get a glimpse behind the curtain---and then its gone, the curtain is snapped shut and we see their masks, their human suits.
Will empathizes with killers because he likes it, and he wants to kill but he refuses to give into the urge because he knows how much he'll like it and he won't be able to stop. So he lives vicariously through other killers, satisfying his own dark urge by feeding it little morsels of secondhand blood lust. Every crime scene he works gives the urge something that satisfies it, not enough for it to grow, but enough for it be sate. Enough that he can ignore it for long enough that he can walk around and be Professor Will Graham who is Weird, Brash, and Non-sociable.
And Hannibal is a cannibal at night and a psychiatrist by morning.
#hannibal#hannigram#hanniblogging#hannigram brainrot is real#also ive watched the entirety of hannibal like four times and everytime i watch it i still find stuff to lose my mind over#brian fuller the brain that you have#winston my beloved#also plzzzz the way hannibal was just gonna kill jack with like no hesitation#AND the way hannibal was fucking smitten from the moment he spoke to will#like wills all like i hate eye contract its distracting as hell and hannibal is just looking at him like 😍😍😍#plss you are embarrassing yourself#also question#when will was like how do you see me and hannibal said that shit about the mongoose and the snakes and will just looks at him like ????#do yall think he was confused because he was genuinely like dude what the actual fuck are you saying#or because he understood it#and the woman at hobbs' work being like two guys from the fbi#and neither of them are technically from the fbi#just two insane dudes having a first date by larping an active fbi investigation#omg and when will shoots hobbs he realizes that oh fuck this is my chance this is my chance to kill and finally satisfy that dark urge#so after he shoots him once he just keeps shooting shooting shooting till its impossible for hobbs to survive for hobbs to be dead#till it was will that killed him
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Viktor became god, lost his boytoy and realized “this fucking sucks actually” and restarted everything
#WHAT#IM REELING IM REELING WHAT#like WHAA AH#im so used to in game league lore my brain broke with this#toxic yaoi but its secretly built from love#riot and their fucking lore dude#holy shit#all this for a dota2 clone#arcane spoilers#arcane#jayvik#viktor arcane#finale spoilers#arcane finale#and mel???? and ekko???? and JINX???? and andbandbandnanandnbdndnfndnfn#losing my mind#Im so lucky my essay extension is through tomorrow too cause I am broken
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Day 279 | id in alt
It bit him in the ass I'll say that much lmao (left to right)
#dailykugisaki#jjk#kugisaki nobara#itadori yuji#fushiguro megumi#tokyo trio#yes Fushiguro is drawn like that#imma be real w yall i was tired and i didn't wanna draw out his face like how I usually do#still fits him kinda sorta....plank of wood lookin boy fr#i loathe his hair bro take a damn shower#the three of them are slowly becoming their colors respectively its kinda funny#im low-key tweaking the fuck out#but we aint gotta talk about that i genuinely will and have eaten drywall#ive eaten batteries n shit before this aint surprising#ive eaten worse things and none of them are human related unless you wanna be smart and say its man made then like...sure i guess#but besides that i just like Kugisaki being snarky as shit with Fushiguro#i mean that “first time losing a partner?” comment didn't fly over my head Kugisaki. i know what your brain is doing#i yearn for the sea yet i am deeply afraid of its depths#MANNNNNN THIS SHIT SUCKS ASS
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“I wanted to go to school. I know other kids complain about it, but it always felt so normal, and I’ve never gotten… Normal. I wanted to travel. I wanted friends. I wanted to have a pet one day, a dog. I wanted to host a party, like a sleepover or a costume party or something. And I wanted to fall in love, the kind from the sort of stories my family never told"
#born to fuck shit up have you ever read a piece of media that completely rewired your brain chemistry#this is me. I am bitches. I didn't say bitches but its me nonetheless I am losing it.#hall have no idea how many all of us villains posts I have on my drafts like there's#4 of us in the tags and I am gonna spam so much shit bc I cope with humor#anyways can y'all tell Hendry Lowe is like !!!!! the love of my life !!!! aha!!!!!!!!!!#hendry#all of our demise spoilers#all of our demise#all of us villains#book
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Thinking about a time I wrote a 7 paragraph long post analysing Walter and Skylar's relationship back in 2022 and somehow it got deleted and I was so devastated and I felt so silly and useless and I stopped posting altogether.
#you know what shatters me the most#rn in 2024 i don't even remember what it was about them that i was writing about even though back then i was so passionate to say it#i had shit to say#i always did#but the truth is i was and am still going through some of the most depressing times of my life and this small blow#that is losing just TEXT of what i was thinking#something that i could have rewritten#or something that i could have taken in stride and kept on posting#was enough to discourage me from wanting to do anything#and i can't even explain it ig ik it sounds pathetic and lazy and maybe doesn't make sense#but it felt like such a blow (ik its not that big a deal but maybe it was my mental state but thats how it felt to my brain)#i want to do so much and its like my brain just keeps standing in the way and i cant tell anyone cause i know how pathetic this sounds#but goddamn i really love breaking bad so much i do#breaking bad#jesse pinkman#better call saul#walter white#saul goodman#also fuck walter white you bitch
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so today my spotify was like "hey girlie its been a while lets go back to hadestown" and i am losing my mind again
#a little reminder that eurydice was a hungry young girl#also we need to talk about that excellent transition from epic II to chant because HOLY FUCKING SHIT#ITS DOING THINGS TO MY BRAIN#but also i think chant is my favourite song from the whole musical#the beginning is so creepy and the whole song is so chaotic#jesus#in this essay i will-#pls somebody stop me i am losing my mind AGAIN#hadestown#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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just finished the new fantasy high episode and havent seen anyone talk abt this so i wanted to say i am 100. one HUNDRED PERCENT sure. that fuckin fourdogs was at that party invisibly (the One And Only buttfucker to NOT make an obvious appearance?? rules-follower or no, i dont believe that for a SECOND) and that she stole the piece of the cloud runner that went missing, and that the moment of her swipe was the "something" riz missed on his check -- i also really *hope* it wasn't oisin that made those damn ice mephits (or "muffets" as my beloved drunk adaine christened them lmao) act up like that, but immmmm pretty sure thats exactly what was goin on since it wouldve given his party member advantage/an easier access point :/
#dimension 20#fantasy high#fhjy spoilers#listen i was oisin to be good & real & nice SO BAD. HOT RIPPED TATTED DRAGONBORN WIZARD ??? PLEASE#but. im also a suspicious-ass bitch lmao#also wait ik they spelled his name without the accent on his character art#but doesnt the name oisin have an accent over one of the i's?? idk jack abt shit so i could be wrong ofc#in any case. i like the concepts behhind the ratfuckers as a party (*except buddy. seeing him made me feel fucking ILL lmao.) but#i neeeeeeed them to get fucking TROUNCED by the bad kids. i NEED it. theyd be so much more tolerable if they got briefly asswhooped#like i think after that they could TOTALLY be friends and work together. before that?? FUCK no lmfao#anyway. i love-hate fishykitty whatserbucket and i need to see her lose#i cant wait for the ratgrinders to meet the unstoppable force that is the bad kids bigass hearts#deciding to team up with local shitheads & therefore turning them into op allies by sheer force of will and love#its happened to ragh its happened to aelwyn it kiiinda happened with kalina (jury's still out but my fingers are crossed!!)#spring break i believe in them!!!#bee speaks#its happening yall. i try to keep my incomprehensible blorboposting to a dull roar but now that im fully caught up on d20 i fear i may start#going full pepe silvia trying to figure this out#i cant binge it all in one go and have it rot thru my brain like slow-eating acid to leak thru in a contained matter#waiting for a new episode every week means i have time to THINK
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kind of frustrating that people took "fat does not equal unhealthy" to mean "fat is not unhealthy." sometimes being obese IS unhealthy & excess fat can cause a lot of problems. ignoring health issues isn't progressive. real "oranges kill people with depression" moment
#i have a lot to say but i think it all boils down to this:#the only reason people think this way is because they experienced body shaming & bullying for their fatness#& instead of gaining a healthy relationship with their body & its needs they went full denial mode#people that aren't fat that think this way are just going with things uncritically which is also bad btw#because when you have decades of proof that being severely overweight can be detrimental to your health#(& no i don't mean fucking. supersize me. i mean medical proof that too much fat causes diseases & early death)#but you're ignoring that because a tiktok influencer that has no medical experience said so#that is a huge lack of critical thinking skills on display & people are gonna listen to that misinformation & some might die#this isn't some light shit that can be waved off as non-harmful because it IS harmful! it is actively hurting people!!#again being unhealthy isn't a moral failing & no one deserves shit for that!! but that's the whole damn point isn't it!!!#militant fat activists are so afraid of their fatness being associated with anything negative they turn right around into ableism#they don't WANT to be considered disabled! because being disabled IS a moral failing to them. disability is abnormal#& of course being morbidly obese is totally normal. because if it wasn't then they'd need to do work & handle an ED#& that's too much to grapple with mentally so. no. they're normal. super normal. don't look at the lifespan of someone over 300lb#btw i am 100% aware that a lot of this is combined with other issues like racism sexism homo/transphobia genuine fatphobia#but also sometimes they really can't operate on someone that can't recover afterwards#like i wouldn't call the vet bigoted & cat-hating for being unable to operate on my 20yo cat#Minnie would simply not survive that. because she is so damn old#unfortunately for Minnie she can't get younger but people CAN lose weight in multiple different ways#& it may seem like the world is attacking you but you really have to train yourself out of automatic bad faith reactions#''you couldn't possibly understand!!'' yeah okay i'm sooo abled & privileged you got me there (<-sarcasm. if you couldn't tell)#just because someone hasn't experienced your EXACT thing doesn't mean they can't relate & haven't gone through similar#it's so difficult to train your brain out of that shit i get that but you really really really have to. or you will die#or at least be miserable#DISCLAIMER: i'm not talking about every person who has even a little fat on their body. fat is NEEDED#but like all things too much of a good thing can cause problems & fat is not exempt#this is about morbid obesity. not someone who's like 160lb that shit is normal#& people need to stop thinking anything over 110lb is fat#because it isn't & i think most people are getting into unhealthy territory at that low of a weight#basically i view being too fat the same as being too thin. they both cause health problems & should be taken seriously
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#i have been lying around with the urge to like um erase myself teeheeeeeeeeeeee#i love having a thin skin and also gng through PMS and also just being idk someone who hates themselves a lot hahahaahahahaha#I JUST WENT TO FUCKING THERAPY FOR MY FEELINGS OF NEEDING TO BE USEFUL AND KEEP PEOPLE HAPPY#JUST LAST WEEK#WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKKKKKKKKKK#MENTAL HEALTH IS SO MUCH FUCKING HARD WORK I HATE IT HERE#IVE BEEN FEELING TIGHTNESS IN MY CHEST ALL DAY TODAY AND THIS STUPID THING JUST DETONATED#AND ITS A FUCKING SUNDAY I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW KNOWING I FEEL LIKE ABSOLUTE SHIT AT WORK#i feel like everyone probably hates me AND they should bc im so useless#AND IM SOMEHOW SUPPOSED TO UNLEARN NEEDING TO FEEL NEEDED????? WTF?????????????? GIRLLLLLLLLLLL I DONT HAVE THAT KINDA SELF ESTEEM L O L#i mean we all know hahaha yeah self esteem its something ure supposed to build yourself! it takes work!#I DONT WANNA DO THE WORK IT SUCKS HERE WHY CANT EVERYONE JUST LOVE ME AND FOR ME TO BE AWESOME AND FLAWLESS OMG IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR#fuck i know it is. and im supposed to sit down and imagine sitting down with some older fucking wise self and idk sit down and watch myself#so i can see how my brain is beating me up for jack shit but god its painful to even think about#and dinner is happening soon and i dont have any excuse for not gng to the dinner table soon#meanwhile im having a breakdown lolllll gotta pretend everything is fine and im not losing my mind so my parents wont call me a lil bitch :)#NEGATIVITY#i hate how much suicidal ideations are imprinted into my brain hehehehehehehe
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AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOT ITS TEETH IN ME BUT I’M ABOUT TO BITE BACK IN ANGER
#take me back to eden is so ghost coded it kills me#like im shit at lyric interpretation ill fully admit that but it Screams ghost#‘i spit blood when i wake up sink porcelain stained choking up brain matter and makeup’#‘room feels like a meat freezer i dangle in it like cold cuts’ SCREAMING BITING BITING BITING#its the butcher hanging from a meat hook imagery for me lads i Cant#and my god the soapghost of it all#just ghost lashing out bc he cant understand soaps attention#rejecting his affection and his care bc hes never felt a kind touch without it becoming cruel#and i know we dont acknowledge mw3 but#‘i guess it goes to show does it not? that we've no idea what we've got until we lose it#and no amount of love will keep it around if we don't choose it’#losing johnny being the only thing that snaps him out of it and makes him realise that hes in love with him#‘no amount of self-sought fury will bring back the glory of innocence’ that realisation turning his love inward and fracturing into hate#he couldve been with johnny they couldve been happy together#so he cracks and destroys every enemy he comes across as he hunts down makarov#leaving price and gaz behind as he lets vengeance consume himself#‘i have travelled far beyond the path of reason take me back to eden take me back to eden’#but bc fuck mw3 soap lives and ghost finds him and they live happily ever after#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#ghoap#soapghost#ghostsoap#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#john soap mactavish#soap cod#take me back to eden#we’re a team. ghost team
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pls skate ratify stray kids
yeah yeah yeah i hear u (follow @underskz lol)
(this is a draft btw)
#LKSDJF /LH BTW#i fucking hate it here slash gen#but i miss writing and if i wanna write kpop shit then so be it#if thats whatll do it for me#probs gonna go watch the superboard mv like 20 times just to feel something CRAZY#hi my name is miki how toxic do u want me to make these kpop men#bang chan i am cumming for u#coming******#hahahahHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHHAHAH#hes been literally looking too sexy lately its actually doing dmg to my brain like hard dmg#what if i just absolutely lose my mind#this is tumblr no one is allowed to cancel me for being free on here bc we're on fucking TUMBLR#god i hate it here#why would u enable me like this#.....this is all bang chans fault like actually#lets get to the root of the situation its HIM#HES THE PROBLEM#SDLJFAKLJLSKDFPOENVOPE#sorry lost my cool there aha#cries#– asks
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attention spans dont real lmao. nothing about the condition or support needs of yr adhd can be measured by measuring yr attention span because the nature of adhd is that attention span is incredibly variable. this is bc adhd is characterized by dopamine seeking behavior and not just a timer until we get bored and go on our phones
#attention span is also variable regardless of the perceived value of the activity#im sure i could pay attention longer scrolling tumblr than in a class. and in that scenario the class would be more valuable to me#but i also concentrate better on swimming (intense exercise) than busywork in school (serves no purpose to me)#thats to say that we arent stereotypical defiant kids who dont want to do anything but play video games#the internal experience of adhd is needing a higher level of motivation and satisfaction to initiate difficult tasks#so mundane things are almost always harder than for someone who doesnt have executive function#ill put it really bluntly. yes more so than usual. take cover#adhd isnt tiktok brain. some of us lose jobs over this shit. some of us cut ourselves over this shit. some of us cannot function.#it is not and will never be a 'man up and get off instagram reels' disorder. it will exist no matter what i do. adhd is part of me#and on many things the world needs to make concessions to us. sorry!#it may not seem like much from an outsiders perspective to 'build back yr attention span'#but when im constantly fucking up and constantly reminded of how my executive dysfunction + lack of focus hurt me#its kind of weird to think that building back my attention span hasnt occurred to me#dont remember who said this but if you dont feel the wind its blowing in yr direction#(this is not a rebuttal to a popular post this is my addition to the discourse about adhd surrounding it)
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in the trenches these days fr
#genuinely havent had this bad of a time mentally in so long im gonna lose ot#its like REALLY annoying this time esp bc i dont have the TIME !!!!! i need to do so many things and also a bunch of actual fun stuff#but im just like mentally???? idek???#for the past week ive felt like season 3 stiles when he couldnt tell if he was alseep or awake and he was like seeing things and losing it#like thats genuinely the only way i can describe it rn what the fuck is going ON#one of my best friends is coming to stay this wekeend and WE'RE BOOKED AND BUSY doing lots of high school reunions#and i was so excited but now im brain is messing it all up and im pissed i havent seen here properly in soooo long#there were just so many things i needed to get done before she gets here tomorrow evening but ive been wallowing in bed all week#WHATEVER ITS FINE i just wish the anxiety would settle so i could actually breathe and get shit done
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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So I'm really into genealogy and have been for a few years now and I'm blessed with being really good with names and dates etc. So in conversation I can remember like a ridiculous amount of:
Jane Doe Smith Johnson
b. 1805 Tennessee d. 1879 Missouri
Married 1828 to John Patrick Johnson. Had five children. Died of TB
Etc etc
And that's cool enough apparently but I've mostly been using it for
A. Making up bullshit but real sounding names for stuff (i.e my name is Emily Stewart, Grace Kolár, etc). The point is that they're normal sounding and varied.
B. Having a bizarre frame of reference for historical events. Like "oh [small town],[state] 1942 had [random] event happen? My 1st cousin 4x removed got married there that year, small world!"
It's so dumb, like I'll read about some historical event from my area (where I've had family in the vicinity of since the 1840s) and I'll link up the time frame in my head and be like hmm... I wonder what 3rd great aunt Helen thought about that happening next door to her church.
#anyways im haunted by my ansesters and their lives#and driven actually crazy when i hit a dead end until ive solved it#like if i dont figure out credibly who my 3rd great grandfather's parents are soon im genuinely going to lose touch I'm serious.#i realized the other day that id been 'investigateing' it since Jan 2021 DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFERENT MY LIFE IS COMPARED TO THEN?!#and I'm not like casual.. I am multiple times a week searching the LoC as well as physical genealogical libraries for records#it lives in my brain like a tumor#he was born in 1857 in 'western' America this isn't fog of shit#its goddanm out there!#part of the obsession is because this particular ancestor is where my surname came from#he's my paternal paternal paternal grandfather.. yea... I'm just like curious as to specifically where my surname originated#sometimes especially on my mom's side I can track this shit down to a specific small european towns and I can find neat historical stuff#but this guy is just a fucking mystery#he appears in Oklahoma in the 1870s has like 15 children and then offs himself after losing money gambling#oh my god im actually ranting#and I guess it bugs me more than others because he has a very prominent newspaper trail#there are tons and tons of mentions of this guy#he has a long ass obituary but nobody ever fucking mentions where he came from other than like vague ass statements#his obituaries literally contradict each other too#I have searched everywhere for any misspelling of this guy's name#but his name is very easy to spell it's freaking William and the last name is very easy as well its a third person singular verb#ugh#anyways#ive cooled off#geneology#is interesting as fuck honestly
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