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thebibliosphere · 3 years ago

Note

I had a question.

So, just an hour or two ago, I was going through some sort of “manic high”, sorta like how somebody with bipolar disorder would have (I don’t have BPD). It felt like a bullet train at max speed and completely derailing, and it was incredibly draining. It also got me wondering.

Do people with severe enough ADHD deal with ADHD episodes like this? My search attempts are often futile because all of it is just talking about how to differentiate between BPD and ADHD and BPD manic episodes, but nobody ever mentions ADHD episodes; the only time I’ve seen it mentioned ever was when somebody made a clip of crankgameplays to show what an ADHD episode looked like.

Do they even exist? I’ve got no idea, so I was just wondering if you knew.

Hey! Sorry, I saw your other ask a while ago, but I wanted to talk to my ADHD specialist before I answered because I’d never heard of the term “episode” being used to describe ADHD. I’m also going to splice both questions together here and answer them in segments in the hope it helps :)

So like I said, I’d never heard of the term “episode” with ADHD, and neither has my specialist. Part of ADHD is having a natural ebb and flow between inattention and hyperactivity, sometimes skewed toward one or the other, depending on your ADHD type. (What are the different types of ADHD?)

Your type of ADHD may also fluctuate because of other factors, such as stress, changes in medication, hormonal fluctuations, lack of sleep, overstimulation, or even under-stimulation, to name a few. Another overlooked part of ADHD is emotional dysregulation, which may cause rapid cycling emotions that may look like an “episode” to someone unfamiliar with what that actually qualifies. The way my therapist explained it and using your example of bipolar disorder, “episode” is used in diagnostic criteria to categorize manic or depressive episodes that last X amount of time, are usually severe, potentially requiring hospitalization, and are accompanied by other symptoms not found in ADHD.

Our “bursts” of energy or lack thereof typically don’t last long enough to be considered episodes. This isn’t to say they are not severe or debilitating, especially if you suffer from things like anxiety or depression that ADHD can feed into. Merely that “episode” is not used as part of the language used to discuss ADHD, which is likely why you’re not finding anything.

So, do ADHDers experience intense bursts of energy that are draining afterward? Yeah, we can do, especially if we lean more toward hyperactive than inattentive. (And again, it's normal to fluctuate and also for things to be affected or worsened by secondary factors.)

And I'm going to put the rest under the cut because this is hella long.

I’ve seen some people think that all hyperactivity has to come with fixation, but that’s not how ADHD works. It’s true if something gets us excited or gives us a dopamine boost, we might be more prone to becoming hyperfixated and burn all our energy up on that. But you don’t need something to fixate on to experience hyperactivity. Some of us are just wired to the moon sometimes, and yes, it can be very draining when it ends. Some people find medication helpful in regulating their hyperactivity/preventing it from coming in such big swings and dips.

Speaking personally, when I'm hyper and nothing is grabbing my attention, the world and people around me can feel painfully slow. It's like I'm going a mile a minute doing everything but achieving nothing. The crash that comes after can also be particularly bad, as I also have dysthymia, which can tip over into a major depressive episode depending on other factors in my life at that time. For years I was misdiagnosed as having "probably Bipolar Type II" by a doctor who didn't believe teenage girls could "get" ADHD* and convinced my parents I needed psychoactive drugs. The drugs I was on didn't help, in fact, they made me worse so I was taken off them.

It wasn't until I found an ADHD specialist as an adult a few years ago that I made any real progress. And I'll be honest, I was shocked when she diagnosed me with ADHD, I really didn't think I had it. Right up until we started doing the work and slowly but surely my mental health began to improve and my understanding of myself with it.

Sometimes there are days when I will be wired to the moon and it will derail my entire day because I can't focus on a single thing/I'll focus too much on a single thing. Other times, like when I am closer to my menstrual cycle, I'll crash into inattentiveness and depression because of how my hormones affect my various different conditions, including my ADHD. Medication would likely help with this, but due to medical reasons, that's currently not an option for me so I do the best I can.

That said, if you’re experiencing something more than hyperactivity but it's not mania, you may be experiencing a form of hypomania and you should talk to a doctor about your concerns.

Hypomania typically occurs in Bipolar Type II disorder, which is less severe than the manic episodes in Bipolar I. I’ve experienced both manic and hypomanic episodes in my life due to medication interactions, and they felt very different from ADHD hyperactivity. It's not just derailing mile-a-minute thoughts, it's something usually completely mood-altering and out of control feeling followed by devastating crashes.

If you're on any medications and are worried you are experiencing something like this, you need to talk to your doctor. You might just need a dosage tweak, or you might be better off on a different medication altogether. Also, make a thorough check of any and all medications you are taking to check for any interactions.

I'm on a cocktail of meds for my MCAS, which if I were to combine them with the SSRI one of my doctors wants me to try, would result in serotonin syndrome. The doctor didn't notice this, but the pharmacist sure as shit did!

Some people (ask me how I know) even develop mild hypomania from overusing the sunlamps used to treat SAD (link), which is why brands like Verilux now include warnings in their leaflets about not using the lamps for more than X amount of time a day. Thankfully it goes away once you stop overusing the lamps.

Which actually brings me to something you asked last time about being unable to sleep at night. Insomnia and delayed sleep phase cycles are not uncommon in ADHD. This is likely because our circadian rhythm is thought to be out of whack (link).

You also mentioned having racing thoughts at night too, which is not uncommon either with hyperactivity. I find if I get overstimulated before trying to sleep, I’ll end up lying there awake with what I like to call “radio ADHD” playing in my head. It can range from snippets of songs stuck on repeat, conversations, things I’ve watched on TV, arguments, or if something is happening the next day, fixating on not being late for it. Hence, I end up getting no sleep because you can’t accidentally sleep in if you don’t sleep. *jazz hands of despair.*

Sometimes I find Radio ADHD soothing if it’s fixating on something chill, but it can get annoying fast and even distressing if I’m tired and can’t “change the station.” (I’d say “shut it off,” but as of yet, I’ve never been able to do that. Medication helps some people with this, as can looking into “sleep hygiene” if you haven’t already.) Conversely, if I’m bored or something is too stressful, I will 100% fall asleep because my brain would literally rather just turn off than do something I don’t want to do or is a low dopamine reward task.

Brains are fun.

Anyway, I uh, I am not sure if any of this is useful to you, but I hope it helps. Mostly I'm just repeating back what my specialist said when I asked her about it lol. Good luck, and I hope you figure things out.

----

*NB: It's important to note that ADHD and Bipolar Disorder can be comorbid. It's not a one or the other situation. I’m just throwing it out there in case hearing that helps someone else pursue the proper diagnosis!

#adhd #not a doctor #just a sick person with lots of lived experience

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 3 years ago

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For the Ship Ask...talk to me about Uhura & Spock.

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT! I didn't expect anybody to ask me about this one in 2022, but I'm glad that you did, because I really don't get to talk about them as much as I loved to do, because I don't really know anybody in the fandom anymore.

SHIP IT. BIG SHIP IT.

1. What made me ship it?

Uhura and Spock were one of my first unconscious ships. I liked them together at a pretty young age and didn't really know the concept of shipping or anything of that sort, because I was a kid. But, I think what made me ship it was that, as a kid with a huge crush on Spock and somebody really excited to see a Black lady in space, I most likely projected. (But also, they had a bit of rapport in TOS that I likely noticed and categorized in a girl + boy way doable for my brain at the time). Whenever the reboot came out in 2009, that was the first time I began sharing fan fiction with a fandom and the first fandom that I made online friends with as opposed to talking about stuff at school or with people I hung out with from work and the bar and stuff. So, in a way, it sometimes feels like my first fandom a lot of the time, despite having detached myself from Star Trek fans I knew in real life because... rabid. Jesus.

I have a special place in my heart for Uhura and Spock always, even being a multishipper and shipping both of them with others at times. They're my primary there and I've been able to envision them since I was a kid.

2. What are my favorite things about the ship?

I enjoyed the fact that while you'd often see Spock (sometimes) come off as a bit of a rude person in our human society, he was always honest and his honest thoughts towards her were always really nice ones. You'd even see him appear to enjoy her company at times.

Skip to AOS, and they're canonically involved - he backs her up when put in the position to do so and you get to actually SEE him be vulnerable with a person he's involved with instead of having to make it up in your mind like so many of us had to do for decades of Star Trek shipping prior to the establishment of this romantic connection in the reboot.

I love relationships between people who aren't living solely to connect with others and have a relationship. I like to see two people who could take it or leave it, but have chosen to work with each other and to put into it what they need, and be honest when that isn't there. I'm not a romantic. I'm a realist who sometimes enjoys romance, so they work perfectly in that they aren't fluffy, all over each other and going on epic feats of love and affection, BUT, they will rush to each other's aid when needed and be passionate about that.

3. Is there an unpopular opinion that I have on this ship?

Well, I don't talk to enough trekkies to know what's popular or not, but if I had to think of something that I could remember seeing/not seeing, I would say that I think more people view them in this light where Uhura would either tire of his Vulcan ways and want to have something more emotional or affectionate?

I think that Uhura would be more likely to be chill with a lot of the toned down areas of his being and as a skilled communicator, use everything, not just his words to assess his emotions. And he has so much of them, as a Vulcan, just doesn't react on those as much, but I think she would always see and know what's going on in there, and not be confused, turned off, insecure, or whatever else, for the most part.

Damn... I miss them!

#Nyota Uhura #Star Trek #answered #ship asks #btwsixesandsevens #ships #otp #Spuhura #Star Trek TOS #Star Trek AOS #Lt Uhura

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sadsquishi · 4 years ago

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I made a list of my mental health symptoms, so I don't just blank whenever I finally (hopefully) get to see a therapist. I really hope it happens soon because I'm so tired, but it's been so long that I haven't had access to mental healthcare that it still doesn't feel like something I'm going to get to have lol I'm super scared.

Anyways, I figured I would post it here because (1)this is my safe space, and (2) just in case somebody else is going through similar stuff, maybe they won't feel alone in their struggles, or maybe it can help them find words for their experiences.

I'm pretty sure I have some type of depression/anxiety disorder, so I've categorized my symptoms into more depression-seeming symptoms and more anxiety-seeming symptoms.

Depression

• Racing thoughts/intrusive thoughts/cringe attacks

• Complete lack of energy always

• Inability to leave the bed

• Burst of energy like one day of month

• Inability to sleep even though I'm always tired

• Then when I do sleep I oversleep

• Even the smallest task is overwhelming, and breaking it down into steps helped for a while, but I think I'm burned out from fighting my brain and being constantly exhausted, so that doesn't really help anymore.

• I can't do time. It's literally like I don't experience it the way anybody else does, and it makes it hard for time-oriented tasks or punctuality. You could say that I "loose track of time easily," but it feels more honest to say that I never had track of time to begin with. And it doesn't make me quirky or special; it makes me look irresponsible, like I don't care, or unprofessional. It's like I missed the lesson on time when we all went to "being a person" class.

• Errant eating habits, potentially ED related. Never really eating enough/feeling hungry enough, then hungry all the time complicated by food-associated guilt and dysmorphia.

• Constant feelings of despair and hopelessness punctuated by frustration and restlessness. I would say that I am an optimistic and positive person, well, not naturally, I sculpted that in myself, but I rarely experience happiness or satisfaction unless it is connected to food, hobbies (sometimes), my partner, friends(sometimes), my cats. Certain sensory stimulations also seem to provide relief from the sad feels.

• Wanting to disappear

• Feeling like an alien, not a literal alien, just never really feeling seen or experiencing authentic connection with others. I find it extremely hard to truly connect to others in a way that feels validating of my authentic self, and not just in a superficial customer service way. I often feel isolated and misunderstood. As unhealthy as it is,there is literally only one person in my life that I feel sees me for me, and that is my husband.

• Experiencing emotions more deeply than others, or so it seems

• Hyper-self-awareness/ stuck in my own thoughts

• Hyper-empathy

• Extreme difficulty interacting with things outside of my comfort items--movies/music/food/clothes/places

• Intensely engaged with an internal dialog at all times: coaching myself, critical thoughts of the world/society, making plans, analyzing my own behaviors/past experiences, all of which results in me always being "the deep one" or "the weird one," but, really, all that means is that I'm hard to relate to, but interesting enough to keep lol *see "feeling like an alien"

• I have often been told I sound like a "foreigner," or like I'm speaking a different language because the person I am talking to doesn't understand me. Which is weird because I try really hard to communicate clearly because I hate being misunderstood. And this seems really easy to write off as "well most people are not good at listening and communicating," but if I am the only one good at communicating, doesn't that mean that I'm not good at communicating? Or, I've been told, "you're smarter than a lot of people, so you have to speak to them on their level," but that sounds so pompous; I'm just me, I know I'm smart, but idk about smartER; and besides the concept of "smart" is a little complicated and problematic anyway, so I'm not sure that means anything, and nobody else seems to have this problem.

• Stuck in the past/difficulty getting over things or moving on

• A propensity for addiction-- alcohol, caffeine/stimulants, sugar, pills, cannabis, social media, Anything that helps me to feel something other than heavy and tired or anxious.

• I've gotten a LOT better about self-destructive behaviors and self-harming. The impulse is still there, but I'm able to say no.

• Whenever I do sleep, I always have super intense dreams that are either nightmares or really stressful. So much so, and for so long now, that I have learned how to wake myself up from them, and pull myself out of sleep.

Anxiety

• Panic attacks:typically triggered by high pitched sounds, getting chilled/shivering, caffeine, rapidly changing lights, white/blue/cool-colored light, being in or around moving vehicles, car accidents, too many different sounds at once, crowds, the rise in ambient conversation in a room of people,(can also be triggered by cannabis, but usually it is not cannabis alone, it seems that cannabis can make me more susceptible to these triggers setting off a panic attack)

• I experience sensory overload easily

• Racing thoughts/intrusive thoughts/cringe attacks, all of which contribute to not being able to sleep, and typically are almost uncontrollable directly following a social interaction of any kind

• Shutting myself down a lot, sometimes I can talk through negative self-talk, but sometimes the anxiety/depression brain wins

• Overthinking. About everything. Always.

• Hyper-aware/Hyper-attuned to any and all humans within my perception. Sorta like the idea of being an "empath," except I recognize that these traits are likely from trauma or illness and not magic. I literally cannot tune out of the people around me, even among strangers, and I notice every miniscule change in body language and tonality. I'm not sure where the boundary is between projected/assumed observations and true observations. I often assume I know how they are feeling.

• I don't trust easily at all, to the point where it takes forever to form any kind of friendship with me. I seem to be a hard person to be friends with because of my ups and downs, my proclivity toward hermiting, and my reluctance to go to social spaces. I can also be a little critical and defensive of my boundaries. I used to have really poor boundary management, but I think I've gotten a lot better about that. They're still hard to maintain, though.

• Socializing drains me, and I can need anywhere from 2 days to weeks to recover.

• Always clenching my jaw/hand, comfort position is in a tight ball resulting in being extremely achey, and lots of leg pain

• Body anxiety: it's easy to accidentally convince myself (or have to talk myself out of convincing myself) of having something medically awful wrong with me-- the typicals are blood clots, heart problems, cancer, something mysterious and awful wrong with my legs, my wisdom teeth growing into my brain, babies(pretty certain I have tokophobia)

• I don't like being touched. It makes me tense up and feel incredibly uncomfortable.

• I am hyper-aware of the space between me and any other person, my bubble I suppose. And it seems my bubble is rather large compared to other's idea of personal space. I get panicky and uncomfortable when people trespass into my bubble without my consent, like I'm being cornered or closed in.

• I often do not understand "people." Nothing "they" do ever really seems to make logical sense to me.

• Mild/manageable hallucinations, mostly at night/in the dark, typically when my anxiety is higher. I can't sleep in the dark because my brain won't stfu(moreso than usual), and I start to hallucinate.

• Compulsive skin/flea picking--typically when anxious

• Pretty constant sense of dread: any day something horrible will happen that will wreck my life, or one day everyone I love will poof out of existence and I will be sad and alone forever.

• Not sure if this belongs under the anxiety or depression section, but I experience dysmorphia daily. Probably related to untreated ED leftover from late teens/early 20s/maybe even current, but I literally could not tell you what my body looks like. I struggle to identify/estimate sizing for clothes. My body literally looks and feels different every single day, and I am rarely confident/comfortable in it.

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mememanufactorum · 4 years ago

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Halo: Combat Evolved quote starters

* FEEL FREE TO SHARE AS YOU PLEASE, NO CREDIT NEEDED. CHANGE PRONOUNS OR ANYTHING ELSE AS DESIRED.

-The Pillar of Autumn-

“All I need to know is, did we lose them?”

“So, where do we stand?”

“Let’s give our old friends a warm welcome.”

“Move like you got a purpose!”

“When we meet the enemy, we will rip their skulls from their spines and toss ‘em away, laughing!”

“We’re gonna blow the hell out of those dumb bugs until we don’t have anything left to shoot ‘em with!”

“We stumbled onto something they’re so hot for that they’re scrambling over each other to get to it.”

“I don’t care if it’s God’s own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine or a giant hula-hoop, we’re NOT gonna let ‘em have it!”

“What we WILL let them have is a belly full of lead and a pool of their own blood to drown in!”

“Come on, we’ve gotta get the hell out of here!”

“Sleep well?”

“So you did miss me.”

“With all due respect, this war has enough dead heroes.”

“Don’t get any funny ideas.”

“Now would be a very good time to leave!”

“Sure you wouldn’t rather take a seat?”

“We’ll be fine.”

-Halo-

“Can you hear me? At last! Are you alright? Can you move?”

“There’s nothing we can do.”

“They must be looking for survivors.”

“Welcome to the party!”

“I thought we were in real trouble.”

“Another bandit droppin’ in behind us, they’re tryin’ to flank us!”

“We couldn’t save them…”

“We’re in a bad way, we’ve got wounded here.”

“They’re all dead.”

“There are weapons and supplies everywhere but I can’t find any bodies. Maybe somebody made it out of here alive?”

“Maybe they took cover in that structure. Let’s check it out.”

-Truth and Reconciliation-

“So how do we get inside the ship if it’s in the air? The Corps issued me a rifle, not wings.”

“The Corps ain’t payin’ us by the hour!”

“Don’t open fire until you hear the enemy return fire on us. That should let us keep the element of surprise.”

“Let ‘em have it!”

“Alright! Are we bad or what?!”

“Mother of God… I never thought I’d get close to one of these things.”

“If we’re gonna board that thing, we need a plan.”

“That’s us: The few, the proud, the expendable.”

“Contact, enemy in sight!”

“Man, there’s always something…”

“Maybe nobody’s home?”

“Contacts! Lots of contacts!”

“Ya HAD to open your mouth!”

“We’d be sitting ducks in that narrow space.”

“Alright, everybody stay cool. Yell if you see anything.”

“I’m going to call for reinforcements. There’s no sense going in with anything less than full strength.”

“Coming here was reckless, you know better than this… Thanks.”

“Aw man, we’re trapped in here! We’re screwed! We’re screwed, man!”

“Time for a little payback.”

-The Silent Cartographer-

“We’re approaching the LZ, it’s gonna be hot!”

“Get set to come out swingin’!”

“Anyone else see what I see? How are we supposed to get around that, huh?”

“Okay, people, we got company comin’. Let’s set the table.”

“I hope your analysis is on the money.”

-Assault on the Control Room-

“This is as far as I can go.”

“Roger that. Make it quick.”

“Glad you could join the party!”

“They did their damndest, that’s for sure.”

“I wouldn’t have given us a snowball’s chance until you showed up.”

“Aw crap, let’s get the hell out of here, man!”

“You stow that garbage RIGHT now.”

“Shut up. Show some backbone.”

“It’s time to earn our pay.”

“It’s gonna be a busy day.”

“Looks like that armor wasn’t so tough after all! Let’s mop up the rest of ‘em!”

“Man, these guys are like cockroaches!”

“Anybody else hear that? Aw, man…”

“They’ve got us pinned down over here!”

“That terminal, try there.”

“You all right?”

“Never been better!”

“You can’t imagine the wealth of information! The knowledge, so much, so fast… It’s glorious.”

“So… What sort of weapon is it?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Let’s stay focused.”

“It’s something else… Something much more important.”

“They must have known, there must have been signs!”

“Slow down, you’re losing me.”

-343 Guilty Spark-

“Stay back! Stay back! You’re not turning me into one of those things!”

“I’ll blow your brains out! Get away from me!”

“Don’t touch me, you freaks!”

“I won’t be like you! I’ll die first!”

“Find your own hiding place! The monsters are everywhere!”

“Play dead! That’s what I did… Played dead…”

“They took the live ones… Oh god, I can still hear them!”

“Just leave me alone!”

“They’re gone! Get it?! Gone!”

“They won’t get me!”

“I don’t wanna be like them…”

“Why do we always have to listen to this old stuff?”

“Watch your mouth. This ‘stuff’ is your history. It should remind you grunts what we’re fightin’ to protect.”

“Better it than us.”

“You ask ‘em real nice the next you see ‘em. I’m sure they’ll be happy to oblige.”

“I mean – look at it. Something... Scrambled the insides.”

“Maybe there was an accident? You know, friendly fire or something?”

“Real pretty. Friend of yours?”

“Right. Well, let’s get this door open.”

“I’ve got a bad feeling about this…”

“You always got a bad feeling about something.”

“We’ve been lost out here for hours.”

-The Library-

“Ah, I am a genius… Heeheeheehee!”

“Oh, hello!”

“Oh, that’s a good idea!”

“Oh, how unfortunate.”

“Ah, a pity.”

“Please, stop being human.”

“That is totally unnecessary.”

“We have much more important business here.”

“Please control your temper.”

“Are you finished yet?”

“Please conserve your ammo.”

“If you do not follow me, you may become lost.”

“Please stay close. Time is short.”

-Two Betrayals-

“Is something wrong?”

“Splendid. Shall we?”

“Unfortunately, my usefulness to this particular endeavor has come to an end.”

“Odd. That wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“I’ve spent the last 12 hours cooped up in here, watching you toady about, helping that thing get set to slit our throats!”

“Hold on now. He’s a friend.”

“Oh! I didn’t realize. He’s your pal, is he? Your chum? Do you have any idea what that bastard almost made you do?!”

“Sod off!”

“What impertinence! I shall purge you at once!”

“You sure that’s a good idea?”

“How… How... How dare you!”

“Enough!”

“Is it true?”

“But you already knew that. I mean… How couldn’t you?”

“Left out that little detail, did he?”

“We have followed outbreak containment procedure to the letter. You were with me every step of the way.”

“Why would you hesitate to do what you have already done?”

“We need to go right now!”

“Last time you asked me, if it were my choice, would I do it? Having had considerable time to ponder your query, my answer has not changed.”

“Get us out of here!”

“If you are unwilling to help, I will simply find another.”

“That’s NOT going to happen.”

“So be it. Save his head, dispose of the rest.”

“No, that’ll take too long.”

“You have a better idea?”

“Something tells me I’m not gonna like this.”

-Keyes-

“Right. Sorry.”

“Don’t be a fool… Leave me…”

“We need to jump now!”

“He’s delirious! In pain! We have to find him!”

“You know what he’d expect… What he’d WANT us to do.”

-The Maw-

“This thing is falling apart!”

“We’re not gonna make it!”

“We’ll make it.”

“You did that on purpose, didn’t you?”

“Let’s get to work.”

“I leave home for a few days, and look what happens.”

“I’m afraid that’s out of the question, really.”

“Oh, hell.”

“You can’t imagine how exciting this is! To have a record of all our lost time!”

“Oh, how I will enjoy every moment of its categorization!”

“I am shocked. Almost too shocked for words.”

“Why do you continue to fight us? You cannot win.”

“Okay, I’m coming with you.”

“Do you require medical attention?”

“Oh, how touching.”

“Your behavior is not in accordance with established protocols.”

“Why do you continue to ignore your task?”

“Are you perhaps ill?”

“Your behavior necessitates repair and revision.”

“Things are gettin’ noisy down there. Everything okay?”

“If we move now, we can make it!”

“We’re cutting it close!”

“Fancy a look?”

“Did anyone else make it?”

“We’re all that’s left…”

“We did what we had to do.”

“No, I think we’re just getting started.”

#Halo: Combat Evolved #Halo #roleplay meme #roleplay prompt #rp meme #rp prompt

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baby-system · 5 years ago

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Things have been very Switchy here lately. Elisya came out and I believe spent some time watching anime and playing animal crossing? I think she wanted to do some cleaning but we got wrapped up in a goal on ACNH.

I’ve come to realize that Willow fronts to help me with distress I experience at the grocery store, and she actually came out before we even left the other day. That day was already very dissociated, and reality was near intangible as switching loomed in the distance. Most interesting was that Si came out on the ride home.

I’m not very sure what triggered this, and she talked to my partner quite a bit. This was surprising as she’s selectively mute in the inner world, and when she does talk it’s in whispers to Ty, or through gesture. Oh, you know what? She must have been triggered somewhere in the grocery store. I remember her pointing to something in the check out.

I think she became comfortable with my partner due to his shared characteristics with Ty. They’re both about the same height, have dark hair, and similar face shape (though facial features and demeanor are different). It was interesting to hear her voice and note some of her mannerisms. I think she might be an age slider? She seemed older while out, but I’m getting this feeling from Ty now that she’s back to being younger at the moment.

Personally I’ve been dealing with a lot of hardship. However as of this morning I’m feeling a slightly greater sense of self, and more of a connection to characteristics and interests that I would consider “mine”. It’s hard to say when you feel empty all of the time, and when you know that you share your life with others who are so distinct. It makes me wonder if my interests are really mine, or if they belong to other alters. Most recently I’ve worried that they belong to Jeremi, as he seems most similar to the things I would categorize as “me”, but that doesn’t feel quite right. I’m hoping that these features are me, and that I’m not just mistaken.

Sometimes I wonder if my alters were created to take things with them. I know Willow was. She’s the perfect, untouchable, happy child. She was created to preserve the childhood I never had, and the child I was never seen as. I felt like I was missing something, from a young age, that necessitates being a child. I worry I was a ghost at times. I was always too old to not be abused. I was always too tall to not be held to adult standards. And so I think my brain took being a child from me- or at least the things that are standard to the childlike experience- and said “we’ll keep this over here, so that this part of you can’t get hurt anymore.”

Knowing this makes me wonder if my other alters are similar, perhaps some more designed to protect me too. I wonder if strong parts of their personality have been my brain taking something from me and tucking it away to keep me safe, even if I’m just safe in fragments. As time goes on, I am rendered more apathetic. I lose my interests more and more. Things I loved seem as boring as everything else. But I can look at my alters and say “Oh, I remember a time where that interest was the focus of this body, where you existed front bound.”. And I’m not sure if that was me back then; or if that was somebody else who had already split; or if my alters formed from who I was in those moments, sequestered off to stay pure and protected as Willow was. Just another part of could-be-identity , taken from me. I wonder if, at the end of the day, I *personally* will feel hollow; will become a void: Just a picked over chicken carcass with the meat of the breasts; thighs; wings; all separated out and stuck in Tupperware, slotted into the freezer with little dated labels indicating what’s inside and what it needs to be preserved for in the future. Will my bones get boiled too? Will my very core get turned to broth, and will that broth too be stored in a mason jar high up in the pantry, so far away from me? What do you even do with rendered bone? Do you throw it in the trash at that point? Does it disappear from existence? Or is there more to take? How much can be removed until I’m nothing? How much will belong to me until we die?

Leif

#multiple system #osdd 1b #leif #osdd system #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder #did #plural system

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poppytheorist · 5 years ago

Text

Scary Mask

I don’t know what to say when people come apart

The road is long, the road is dark

And these are just the words to somebody else’s song

Before I get into it, I’d like to quickly note that this is not best post to start with. Same goes for the one on “Me Laughing.” My older posts are much friendlier reads and not nearly as dense.

Okay, let’s go.

At first I thought “Scary Mask” was straightforward, i.e. Poppy uses her persona (“I wear my scary mask”) as a defense when she finds herself in uncomfortable situations (“when I’m afraid I don’t belong”). “Well that was anticlimactic.” Indeed. But, of course, this is Poppy we are talking about, and nothing with Poppy is quite so simple.

The problem with basic interpretations that sum up a song with single sentence is that such readings miss all the nuances of the work, i.e., they leave out all the fun little twists in the lyrics, the double-meanings in the lines, etc. Basically, simplistic interpretations of lyrics ignore all the poetry, which is part of what allows music to transcend language. Poetic lyrics also provide us with new pieces of language so that we can better understand the increasingly complex world around us. Nestled in the gaps between our definitions lies the inexpressible that only poetry can render sensible.

Well-written (read: poetic) lyrics are part of what allows songs to completely baffle us; they allow songs to elude simple characterization and slip the shackles of obsessive categorization (e.g., genre). A truly great piece of music leaves us speechless; we cannot simply explain it to someone. Instead, the best we can do is say, “you know what? Just listen to this,” to which they are only able to reply, “wow… you’re right.”

This is why I love metaphors and dualities. Yes, I realize the previous sentence just caused every person who hated English in school to audibly cringe. Look, I’ve been there, I get it. I used to think English was a cruel joke played at everyone’s expense and that it was stupid because ‘there is no right answer.’ Then one day, all of that changed. Almost as though a switch was suddenly flicked ‘on’ in my brain. It wasn’t until I understood English that I finally appreciated it. I’ve never wanted to go back, so hear me out.

Metaphors are essentially a way of controlling the associations formed by your brain when you read or hear a word. They can make you associate simple pieces of language with something extraordinary, and make you see things in a way you would never have previously considered.

If you’d like to get fancy, you can start introducing dualities; that is, setting two concepts on opposing ends of a spectrum. When you do so, you allow the reader to consider new and (seemingly) impossible gradations, all born from the struggle between two relatively ordinary ideas.

Take, for example, Poppy’s ‘poetry-ecstasy’ duality that she introduced in “X.” This was the first thing that made me take a more serious look at her work, i.e., “I think something else is going on here…” We know poetry and ecstasy are meant to be diametrically opposed in “X” because the colors in the music video change in sync with Poppy’s delivery.

If YouTube subtitles weren’t broken, they would read: “poetry, poetry, poetry”

Likewise: “ecstasy, ecstasy, ecstasy”

It’s not obvious that poetry is the opposite of ecstasy unless you’re in Wonderland in which case, you messed up somewhere. Moving on, when you set two concepts against each other like that, you introduce a new interplay between the two ideas. Now the audience is forced to see things from a new perspective, one they would not have otherwise considered. Or, they just ignore it, as is usually the case, but I digress.

With all this in mind, further study into “Scary Mask” reveals that some parts of the more basic reading don’t quite add up. Take, for example, lines like, “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” or “You ain’t gonna see me tonight”; these lines refuse to fit neatly into the obvious interpretation e.g., why spell out ‘mask’? Why are [they] not going to see “you” “tonight?” Most people would choose to ignore these outliers or simply shrug and go about their day. If this post’s existence didn’t clue you in, we won’t be doing much ‘shrugging’ or ‘ignoring.’

You’ve probably noticed this already, but I try to forge readings of Poppy’s work that fit as many different pieces as possible into them. To craft interpretations that capture the interplay between all the elements in a song. Often, this requires approaching the song from multiple angles, some even being right. If this post is good, each interpretation should form its own colored shard of glass, leaving the reader with a beautiful explanative mosaic. If this post is bad, grab a broom and wear shoes for a week.

Hilariously, doing justice to the more abstract bits of art usually means I have to use figurative language to explain other figurative language. “Sounds meta.” Indeed. Some puzzles can only be done justice with other puzzles, which is also why my writing frequently dips into obscurity. Close reading yields wonders, but means interpreting ‘carefully’ and ‘openly.’ “Sounds like a lot of work.” It is, but anybody can come up with a vague idea of what a song is ‘about,’ e.g., “this one’s about love!” How insightful, you should post that on Genius, that’s just what they’re looking for. I mean, really, at that point what are you even getting out of the song? A few minutes of pleasure before you move onto the next one? Is that it? Are you going to just spend your entire life constantly devouring one helping after another, waiting hungrily for your favorite artists to dish up your next meal?

I may be going to hell, but at least I won’t be stuck doing that.

II.

Rise and shine—

get out of bed!

Take my hand,

there’s darkness ahead.

“Scary Mask” is one of Poppy’s best songs. No, I’m not interested in arguing about this. It is also one of Poppy’s most important songs. This, however, I am interested in arguing about.

For the sake of the following discussion, I will be ignoring most of Poppy’s singles. “Metal” and “Immature Couture” and [other singles] are good but they complicate things and I don’t have time to deal with them, despite having the time to tell you how little time I have. Fancy people would probably call such exclusions “exceptionally non-rigorous,” but I’m over it.

I tried to make this section not-boring, dunno if I was successful; my writing takes on the flavor of whoever I read last, hence why the “Me Laughing” post reads like schizophrenia. Lately, I’ve been feeling especially masochistic, so I’ve been reading [redacted]. Expect that to shine through.

Let’s zoom out for a bit: “Scary Mask” is the flagship song of Poppy’s Choke EP, though I am sympathetic to arguments for “Meat.” “Scary Mask” ties the whole EP together and makes it possible. It’s critical to Choke’s ‘flow.’ This isn’t a given, I’ll explain/pretend to explain.

The structure of Choke almost perfectly mimics that of a five-act play. Yeah, like that Shakespeare guy. The EP contains exposition, rising action, a climax, falling action, and a conclusion. The methodically squeezing “Choke” sets the mood and introduces a problem statement to color the rest of the EP. With its pendulum-like bassline and hypnotizing array of voices, “Voicemail” depicts a forsaken mind becoming further and further dissociated from reality. A complete breakdown occurs in “Scary Mask,” the explosive climax of the EP and, at least so far, Poppy's work. Following “Scary Mask” comes the bleak and gruesome “Meat,” which is clearly akin to the falling action. And finally, we are given “The Holy Mountain,” the EP’s pessimistic and wistful send-off.

As for the context in which “Scary Mask” was created, Choke comes after two pop-y records, Bubblebath and poppy.computer, and a half-pop, half-??? disc, Am I A Girl. After AIAG, Poppy had a choice: back off and return to pop or double-down and bring on the metal. Thankfully, she chose the latter and made Choke. Let’s all take a minute to praise AIAG for even allowing Poppy such options, for flowing together so smoothly, etc. Okay, séance over, let’s return: “Scary Mask” carried Choke, without it, the EP would’ve been severely lacking a massive, stand-out song to serve as the EP’s creative apex.

“Scary Mask” is, in a sense, the ��no turning back’ point for Poppy. Producing “Scary Mask” was like Poppy locking her old style away and throwing out the key; “X” and “Play Destroy” were #wild, but “Scary Mask” was the third strike. Put confusingly, “Scary Mask” was Poppy’s ‘home run’ while also being the ‘final nail in the coffin’ and other idioms. The track is so far removed from the days of Bubblebath and P.C that it actually created a distance, a gap, between nu-Poppy and Pop-y. “X” has pop elements and Poppy cutely ‘ooo-ing’; it was walk back-able. “Scary Mask” has Jason Butler demonically screaming and saying the ‘fuck’ word; fine print says “no refunds.” Or, if you’d prefer analogies that are unlikely to age well: think of a giant iceberg breaking off from the main Arctic glacier and slipping into the cold, dark sea. Once it’s off, it’s not freezing back on. In other words, once Poppy dropped “Scary Mask,” ‘princess with a pistol’ became ‘demonic metal queen.’

I’ll also argue that “Scary Mask” is the least compromising song in Poppy’s current discography. It’s her truest expression of self pre-I Disagree. All artists have to make their music listenable-enough to get bread, just like I need to make my writing readable-enough to get read. Unfortunately, compromise is inevitable, but artists can still create good music. It’s just hard and getting harder. Plus, nobody agrees what ‘good music’ even means because we have no rigorous definition for art so—

When an artist decides to really ‘go for it,’ to make no compromises, and does it well, a beautiful thing happens. That’s what “Scary Mask” is for Poppy; she decided to pull no punches, and the result was, well, “Scary Mask.”

“X” and “Play Destroy” were both successful, but they didn’t guarantee Poppy’s nu-success. “Play Destroy” had Grimes, and “X” could have been an anomaly. If Poppy went back to pop, fans could have passed off her dip into metal as ‘weird’ but ‘kinda cool’ and that would be that. However, Poppy didn’t let up—“Scary Mask” proved she could consistently make quality metal tracks, and now we’re here and Poppy is about to destroy the world or something. Nice.

In summary: “Scary Mask” functions to transition Poppy’s sound, it does a damn good job of it, and I’m definitely looking forward to her new album.

III.

You try to take the best of me

Go away

You try to take the best of me

Go away

Alright, zoom back in. Yes, “Scary Mask” made it possible for Poppy to throw in crazy distorted guitars and for everyone to love it, but it does more than that. “Scary Mask” also transitions Poppy her(?)self, which sounds strange but it will make sense later, probably.

Now time for the fun part.

Sometimes I like to begin my analysis with a song's verses before circling back to the chorus, as was the case with "The Holy Mountain," however, "Scary Mask" is so crazy that it doesn't even matter where I start. It's what I lovingly refer to as “straight-up bonkers,” like some twisted monstrosity tearing its face off as it stumbles around in the dark. Reminds me of the psychos from Borderlands, an analogy that already has not aged well. Basically, “Scary Mask” is all over the place, so I might as well start from the ‘beginning.’ I'm going to have to pick up the pieces and stitch them into some monster that would do Mary Shelley proud anyway.

Let's dive in.

Poppy opens the song with: “I wear my scary mask when I'm afraid I don't belong.” Okay, seems pretty straightforward so far. There isn’t much to work with here, but maybe we can add some color to this line. BUILD series conducted a relatively listenable interview with Poppy earlier this year. One excerpt to note:

Interview: “Well, why wear a mask?”

Poppy: “Sometimes you just have two faces.”

Interview: “And that’s okay?”

Poppy: “Only sometimes.”

This is why I was debating just skipping “Scary Mask”—the opening line was a little cliché, and it seemed like Poppy had taken Batman Forever literally, neither of which are particularly good signs. However, I want to stress that lacking an interesting message wouldn’t necessarily make “Scary Mask” a ‘bad’ song. This idea may seem very strange, especially in modern society where it appears everyone agrees that deep themes=good art. We’ve been raised with the notion that the best art is art that tells a message, and it’s difficult for us to consider otherwise. However, not only does the conception of ‘depth’ quickly fall apart (as I noted in the “Me Laughing” post), but it’s entirely possible that thematic elements have absolutely zero bearing on the aesthetic quality of a work. In other words, ‘themes’ may not be what make art ‘good.’

Yeah, take a minute and think about that.

Anywho, after deciding I could afford to pay attention, I found many interesting things. Note Poppy’s word-choice. She uses the word “scary,” an almost child-like characterization of something fearful. Indeed, in the music video, Poppy’s hair is hidden or pulled back, giving her a youthful appearance. Look, pictures:

Moreover, peppered throughout the song are Poppy’s pouty squeals and she sings with call an almost ‘whimper-y’ tone, the end of her words marked by a spike in pitch. Obviously, we’d like to ask: why is she presenting herself to us this way?

We find answers in the second half of the line: “when I’m afraid I don’t belong.” Okay, so when she finds herself in situations where she is uncomfortable, where she is struck by the feeling of being small, almost child-like, she resorts to the mask as a defense mechanism. Now we’re getting somewhere, though I would like to ask: why is the mask “scary”?

Being two-faced does not necessarily mean the one face has to resemble Harvey Dent post-toasting, it could simply be a different side of your personality. Perhaps the next line will help:

You can’t read my brain until it’s off

Note Poppy says “brain” instead of any other word such as ‘mind’ or ‘thoughts.’ Using the word ‘brain’ signals a sense of invasiveness. Think: Sylar from Heroes cutting open peoples’ skulls and studying their brains for secrets. I’m sure many obsessive fans have tried digging up details on Poppy’s personal life and many interviewers have tried asking her inappropriate questions. It appears that Poppy wears a “scary mask” as a counter to such intrusions, as if she decided that the only appropriate response to these inappropriate behaviors was a face-to-face with the scary mask.

Holy shit, was this entire song written as a response to the AMP Radio interview? That would be hilarious.

Poppy then repeats that the mask is “not coming off.” Hey, wait a minute…

Okay, so after a fairly badass guitar interlude, Poppy begins feverishly chanting the lines: “I'm never gonna take it off, so don't touch me / Never gonna take it off, stop looking at me.” I’m sure some fans hate me because I’m always banging the drum that Poppy’s work is about obsession, and thus, appear to be attacking them, but come on, how clear would you like the message to be? Go watch “Repeat After Me” if you’re not convinced.

Anyway, in a sense, Poppy’s scary mask (read: freaky persona) operates as a shield from foreign bodies who seek to violate her personal space.

I’m going to leave Jason Butler’s lines for the end because, well, you’ll see.

IV.

In the music video for “Scary Mask,” after Poppy first puts the mask on and has a little breakdown, there are many instances where she is no longer wearing the mask, but is still acting like a possessed teen in desperate need of exorcizing. This is weird, here are some possibilities:

1) Poppy takes the mask off in the music video because she’s pretty and people want to see her lip-syncing.

2) The mask was always on.

We’re going with door #2.

Let’s look at some of the weirder lines, like Poppy chanting the incantation: “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” By spelling out ‘mask,’ Poppy signifies that the “am I okay?” question is directly referencing the mask she wears. In other words: is it okay for Poppy to wear a mask?

We already know Poppy came down pretty hard on one side of the fence when she answered “sometimes” in the BUILD series interview. My equally unambiguous answer is: “it depends.” There are many reasons why wearing a ‘mask’ is a terrible thing that slowly renders you psychologically ‘fucked,’ go read TLP or Lasch if you want more info on that (actually, you should just read them anyway). However, we’ve already established “Scary Mask” was an empowering song for Poppy because it served as a truer artistic outlet for her, so any masquerading should be approached with this in mind.

Alright, so when is it a good thing to wear a mask? How can it be a good thing to pretend to be someone you’re not?

Well, when you’re an artist, you typically create art to express something. Often, this ‘something’ is deeply personal to yourself. You put a lot of yourself into your work. This means criticism of your work can really hurt. After all, if someone calls your [song/painting/writing] ‘trash,’ it’s like calling you ‘trash.’ It feels like that criticism is aimed directly at that piece of yourself you put into your work. Yeah, that sucks. Sometimes it’s so difficult to bear that you avoid creating anything so you don’t have to be faced with such attacks. You forgo creating art because the injurious potential of criticism is too daunting. Without a creative outlet, your feelings remain bottled inside, slowly eating away at you from within. It’s a lose-lose game and everyone’s the player.

So, you ask: “what do I do?”

Well, that’s where the mask comes in.

The artist can use a persona to get around these problems. In other words, putting on a mask can actually allow you to finally be yourself, which seems paradoxical, but I’ll explain.

Take, for example, me. After reading enough of the silly words I write, you may start to form a picture of me in your head. To speculate and fantasize about what I actually look like or how I actually act. Without even knowing your thoughts, I can assure you that any such conceptions are completely inaccurate. I know that I’m not actually as [adjective] as you imagine me to be because I work with a protective persona. The persona allows me to write without worrying too much harsh criticism. Hence, with a persona, I can safely express myself through my work.

The same is true for Poppy. As I’ve noted in previous posts, Poppy has a lot to say about the world. She would like to express these messages artistically, but it’s not always easy to face criticism of her work (and Poppy gets a lot of hate). By adopting the ‘Poppy’ persona, Poppy is able to safely express herself. To finally say what she wants to say. To be who she really wants to be. And when she is faced with scathing criticism, she is able to continue her work undeterred because it feels like the criticism is directed toward Poppy (persona) instead of Poppy (person).

An alternate (and hilarious) reading of the lines “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” and “I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m alright” would be to imagine them as part of a demented question-and-answer period with Poppy. Many of her fans have expressed concerns over the effects of living your life pretending to be a [robot/alien/demonic angel], not to mention the section of Poppy’s fan-base who seem to constantly worry about Poppy being Titanic’s so-called ‘puppet’ and that he is abusive towards her. You can interpret Jason Butler screaming “I’m alright, I’m alright, I’m alright” as Poppy’s response to such concerns. Seems like an appropriate answer to me.

You try to take the best of me

GO AWAY

YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME

GO AWAY

YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME

GO AWAY

There are some remarkably odd lines in “Scary Mask” that need some serious groundwork to render sensible, so let’s switch gears for a second and complain about pop music. Yes, I know. It’s not exactly brave (let alone novel) to decry pop music as a vapid and soulless caricature of art, but I find it therapeutic. Plus, I’m clearly writing a narrative here. If these words make you indignant, first ask yourself ‘why?’ and then relax. I listen to pop music too, most of which is terrible. Also, I’m talking about the correlation, not the rule. If you fight me with exceptions, I’ll hit you back with trends.

Pop is the most apologetic music genre out there (though mumble rap and country are giving it a run for its money, literally); pop music’s main purpose is stated by its terminology: it exists to be popular. To be as widely palatable as possible so as to garner as many listeners as possible. The implications associated with a genre revolving entirely around popularity for the sake of commercial success are pretty disgusting. I’d even go so far as to say the existence of ‘pop’ as a musical genre is a strong indicator that culture is no longer treated as an essential component to human society, but is instead only another industry, and has been for a while. People love celebrating the façade or appearance of culture (partially so they can consider themselves ‘cultured’), but the truth is that culture now exists mainly as a commodity to be endlessly repackaged and sold back to people under the guise of ‘art.’ “I blame capitalism!” Sure, and you may not even be wrong, but that’s a discussion for another time. The point here is that to successfully create music with value, music that isn’t just a meaningless product, one needs to escape such a hyper-commoditized regime i.e., the corporatized pop-music industry.

Business-wise, Poppy did this by ditching Mad Decent and signing with Sumerian Records, an independent label which will hopefully make her very happy. Music-wise, she also had to transition. Recall: putting on the mask (read: persona) allowed Poppy to be herself and make the music she wanted to. So, to evolve her music, she had to also evolve the mask. After releasing two and a half pop records, people will generally expect, well, more pop. People don’t like when their favorite artists abruptly change, probably because they don’t wish to face the idea that said artists were never making music for them in the first place. Either way, for Poppy to tell tales of an impending apocalypse or drop an insane metal album like I Disagree, she had to ease fans into it. Musically, this is the second half of AIAG and the entirety of Choke, but it’s also a perfect encapsulation of “Scary Mask.” It’s possible that the bipolar nature of songs like “X,” “Concrete,” and “Scary Mask” is only due to Poppy trying to transition her sound without upsetting too many fans. Hence why these songs incorporate lighter sections to balance out the darkness. Perhaps “I Disagree” is as dark as Poppy’s going to get, but given recent news of her hanging out with Nadya Tolokno from Pussy Riot, I doubt it (“don’t know how long until they see the rest of me”).

This is also where Poppy’s YouTube videos come in. While producing new music, she can quickly put out a few videos and slowly ramp up the darkness, facilitating a comfortable change in artistic tone for the fans. Something, something, frogs and hot water.

Considering all of the above, I agree with something @thatpoppyuk said a while back in regards to people saying “Moriah is coming out!” when Poppy dyed her bangs:

Not only is it potentially insensitive to call Poppy ‘Moriah,’ it’s simply inaccurate. For better or worse, people don’t regress, they progress. Poppy is not doing something so #basic as ‘returning to her roots,’ she is becoming who she’s always wanted to be.

VI.

Now that we have completed the necessary groundwork, we are able finish off the rest of the song. Lyrically, “Scary Mask” is rather focused; we’ve actually covered all of Poppy’s lines, so I’d like to examine the role Jason Butler from Fever 333 plays in the song.

I’ve actually refrained from gushing about how good “Scary Mask” is until now, but I don’t think I can contain myself any longer. Fever 333 was an excellent feature that perfectly meshes with Poppy’s harmonics and the chomping guitar riffs. Not only that, but lyrically, Jason Butler brings an insane performance. He brings scary mask to life.

Fever 333’s role in the song is complicated and will take multiple approaches to flesh out. First, consider the scary mask (Jason Butler’s lines) as an entity speaking for Poppy, as though it were some demonic hype-man:

This would then explain the line, “well you heard the woman, so fucking look away.” It appears that Poppy needs someone telling others to “fucking look away,” betraying a sense of dependency. After all, if Poppy could handle such onlookers on her own, she wouldn’t need someone else telling them to ‘beat it.’ We may interpret this as a sign that Poppy has come to rely on the shielding-nature of the mask. She relies on her persona for protection, but reliance gives way to over-reliance. Naturally, substitution and dependency follow.

However, this isn’t wholly satisfying, nor is it very charitable. Let’s consider another, more empowering, approach, this time as Poppy speaking through the mask. In this case, a synthesis is underway between Poppy and her new persona (read: scary mask). During the violent transformation, she screams and struggles as the darkness of the mask washes through her, until the process is complete and both are one. Or, rather, Poppy is transcending her persona through her persona, a process of metamorphic self-realization.

Approaching the relationship between Poppy and the mask as a symbiotic one will perhaps explain one of the most bizarre lines in all of Poppy’s discography (minus every line in “Voicemail,” of course): “You ain’t gonna see me tonight!” I mean, what the hell. It’s difficult to explain how much this line confuses me, words simply elude me. This is one of those lines that normal people would shrug and come up with a half-hearted explanation such as: “well, Poppy is wearing a mask, and because she is wearing a mask, you aren’t going to see her. You know, because she’s wearing a mask.” Poorly-conceived explanations such as these negate the whole point of studying art. You can’t just jerk responsibility when ‘the going gets tough.’ The reward isn’t merely the end result, and people who believe this are the exact same people who Genius exploits. It is the work, the method, the climb, the struggle that is important because it is while grappling with the piece that one learns the most about oneself. With that being said, this line has haunted me for three weeks now, but I think I can do it some justice.

First, we examine the context in which the line appears in the song. The line first appears near the beginning of the song, wedged between a crushing guitar interlude and the Poppy’s staccato-ed “M-A-S-K, am I okay?” build-up. Then the line comes again at the end of Jason Butler’s insane post-chorus breakdown which is interlaced with Poppy’s disembodied screams. This second appearance follows a punchy chorus from Poppy and directly precedes a charged guitar solo and Poppy’s explosive final meltdown. From all this, we notice that “You ain’t gonna see me tonight!” is always delivered amidst a great deal of turmoil, always sprinkled into the middle of a violent episode.

Next, we look at the line itself. “Ain’t” and “gonna” are very colloquial, like the speaker hasn’t been taught to speak ‘properly’ or has lapsed into a state where they are unable to or simply do not care. I’m also picking up a touch of mentally-disturbed giddiness, as if some deranged killer is frothily barking this at you outside your window while his head jerks around. “Well, I’m definitely glad not to live on the ground-floor.” Likewise.

I must comment, however, that “Tonight” is an odd word choice. “Well, maybe they just needed a word that rhymed with ‘alright’?” Remember what I said about giving up when things get difficult? No, “tonight” relates a sense of shadowy immediacy, like a doom drawing near. Perhaps Poppy is about to descend upon the world, shrouding it in darkness with her black angel wings.

Hence, “You ain’t gonna see me tonight” relates the sense of foreboding violence that comes with Poppy’s new persona. This makes a lot of sense in the context of Poppy’s work because I Disagree is likely going to be her most aggressive album yet. See, for instance, “I Disagree.”

Basically: full dark, no stars; Poppy’s out for blood, time to take cover.

VII.

In summary: the ‘scary mask’ is a protective garment for Poppy as well as an empowering one. The adoption of an artistic persona allows her to cope with criticisms and continue her work. Recently, she has adjusted her work, and thus, her persona, to something truer to herself, and “Scary Mask” was an integral part of her transition.

Well, wasn’t that fun? I know I enjoyed myself.

Wait, what? You have a question? Ah, wait—I know what you’re thinking:

“If Poppy only wears her ‘scary mask’ when she’s ‘afraid she won’t belong,’ then why is she ‘never going to take it off’?”

Well, maybe she feels like she will never belong.

#poppy #scary mask

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a-how-to-guide-to-nothing-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Benthos Chapter One

Chapter One: When I explore Memories

“Breaking News: Election results are in! It certainly has been a close election this year, and most definitely not a calm one. Benthos, please welcome your new president: Mr. Oz Hutchinson”

Guinevere Nolan’s voice was stiff as ever, but she kept talking.

“The new president elect has many plans for the Precinct Of Benthos, including lowering the categorizing age to 16 and possibly trying to reconnect with the Foras. But here to talk about them -and more- is Mr. Hutchinson's vice president, Mr. K.C Willow.”

The TV screen switches to Mr. K.C. Willow, but his heavy French accent- which was funny up until now- is drowned out by my thoughts, or rather, my memories.

The first time I heard of the Rebellion- hundreds upon thousands of Americans rebelling against the president at the time. Seeing the wonder in Grandpa Oliver’s eyes as he talked of it.

“The power the people had- we were unstoppable”

Asking what we were rebelling for, and why?

“For freedom, of course. That’s what all rebellions are about- If you think about it”

Being suddenly whisked away by someone- a forgotten someone by now. Looking the Rebellion up and suddenly choosing not to read the article I had chosen, because I wanted to hear it from Grandpa Oliver- a man who had experienced the power of the people. The freedom of the Rebellion- something I’m sure the internet would surely contradict.

I remember talking to Pa about the politics of Benthos.

“An imperfect mix between dictatorship and presidency”

Pa would explain how a ‘president’ would get elected by the people, and then serve in the position for as long as they live, and have unstoppable power. At least, that’s how he would explain it in front of other people. But in private, his rants would go on forever. Pa’s yells would echo through the little condo that we and other families lived in. He would shout about how the government manipulated everyone into thinking that women are disfigured forms of men, like the Ancients. Or how no one- no one would ever think up the mutated system we have now.

The System that says we must surrender our daughters at the age of 17 to become servants. How the President's Cabinet are to sort the girls into two camps, Elegants and Plains. Elegants are to serve as models, celebrities, and the lucky ones are to be bought as trophy wives. Plains, however, are fated to be factory workers, laborers, and medical testis. The women power our country, harsh labor it is, but we are all grateful for it. Both Elegants and Plains are to serve their purpose until the age of 24, where they are to bare a single child that is ripped from their arms as soon as the baby is confirmed to be healthy. Then, the woman are sentenced to death one year later because- according to the government- they have served their purpose. Also, the whole thing is televised. The categorizing of the Elegants and Plains, constantly checking in on the district's new celebrities, even the executions.

And finally, I remember sneaking out of our condo, telling myself that I would never return to a place where I was fated to die. Double, triple checking my backpack. Stepping into dark, unmapped night. I recall my thoughts;

“Where am I going? Will I camp in the woods? No, you can’t survive there. Then where will I go? You’ll have to learn then. To survive, to thrive. Remember, there's a difference.”

The ruffling of leaves halts the rumble of thought that is about to emerge from my brain.

“Wait. What was that? No matter, I need to go back inside anyway, for Pa’s books. There’s a couple I forgot.”

I’m about to go back to my familiar home. Partly because I need those books, but mostly because I’m scared of the unfamiliar dark. While I’m digging through my pack for my keys, I jump. Something has made a sound, I don’t know what it is, but instinctively I respond

“Excuse me?”

Usually I blurt the phrase out at parties, all decked out in silver. A silver dress, earrings, necklace, I even put gray contacts in occasionally. ‘Excuse me’ I say, interrupting the director, or a member of the president's cabinet, or the secretary of somebody else important . When whoever it may be is in the middle of a monologue about whatever it is and I see some real food. Not scallop sashimi or sea urchin, but real food. A burger, fries, and a eunoia (a drink, invented by the president's cabinet back in 2054). The words are said in the most innocent voice as not to anger the powerful men.

But this time, it comes out as a squawk, a desperate cry for help disguised as a polite remark. The something laughs, and while it may sound bubbly and friendly to the untrained ear, it is not. It’s not your typical laugh. It’s one that is forced down upon us to use at parties and social events. It makes girls sound cute and well-liked, anything but bothersome. Good. I’m safe, it’s a girl. Only girls use that laugh. Relaxing, I hear I not-so-feminine-voice.

“Trying to sneak out?”

I tense up, going into fight, flight or freeze mode. Dammit, my body chose freeze. Guess I’m not so safe after all.

“Oh, no need to be scared, I was just doing the same thing”

Scratch that last statement.

“How ‘bout we go together, we’d be better as a team. Plus, I have no idea where I’m going, you?”

I’m so surprised that I don’t even have time to think out what I’m going to say before I say it.

“The woods, I was thinking I could live off the fat of the land, to quote Steinbeck. Anyway, I was just going inside to get my Pa’s gun.”

All of this is a lie, of course, but it sounds better than: I have no idea where I’m going but at least I have books. I can’t tell what my possible companion makes of this, their figure hidden by the dark. But all they say is,

“Fat of the land? Steinbeck? I thought girls aren’t supposed to be educated”

I don’t know what it was that set me off, but I started to shake, my mind froze and I felt as if I was drowning. My impending death staring me in the face. I knew how to stop, but I couldn’t, or I wouldn’t. Right there I remembered some very important information: I am a girl, I am to be categorized and will die at 24. There is no escape. I will bear a single child, possibly my only happiness left, that will be torn from me. There is no escape. Then, I will be executed in front of all of Benthos, my child watching his- Oh, please, let it be a boy- his mother die, right in front of him, without him ever knowing. There is no escape. For the first time, I suppose, I feel real terror, my eyes widen, my thoughts chanting There is no escape. I’m lost in them, until a voice brings me back. I don’t know who it is, but I know this: It’s saying something.

“Hey, hey, I didn’t mean to offend you” They pause. “I’m sorry”

I’m thinking, do I trust this being? They seem nice enough, but safe? I don’t know. The voice is deep but quiet, and while they aren’t necessarily loud, there is some un-human noise that surrounds them. I don’t care, any companion is a good one.

“It’s ok” I say. I don’t know what made me panic. The excitement? Terror? The sadness of leaving home, however terrible it may be? Or possibly the growing feeling of dread as I approach my 15th birthday. Birthdays are hard to enjoy when you know when you are going to die.

“I’m sorry if I made you freak out.’

As there all for all first encounters, the awkward silence prevails.

‘Do you have a name? I figure if we’re going to run away it’d be best to get to know each other. I’m Jaclyn.”

Says Jaclyn, speaking very fast at this last part. Before I can stop myself, I mutter

“Ramona”

“What? Well, I heard something of a Mo in there somewhere. Mo, yeah, can you deal with with that, Mo? I smile at the nickname, it appeals to me, more than any other. “Sure” I say into the night.

“Good.” I think they are smiling, it sure sounds like it, that is if smiling has a sound, which I think it does.

“Meet me here here tomorrow, same time, 10:31 sharp?”

“Got it” I say, smiling.

The next night, I return, not to find Jaclyn, but instead, a note. Without permission, my hands pick it up, and without permission, my eyes read it. Sighing, I go to the address it directs me to. Sector unit: B, Building 1, Housing 7Z .

I’m trusting the note was from Jaclyn, but I’m nervous nevertheless. Sector B makes all of Benthos’ mechanics, weapons included. For all I know, someone could have seen me- a girl- talking to Jaclyn, and is luring me into sector B to die.

#i wrote a thing #i wrote this for you #stuff i wrote #my writing #writers #writers on tumblr #writing #do u like it #i hope you like it #i hope so #is it good #pls give me feedback #is this enough tags #how many tags is too many tags #how many tags should i have #ive decided u can never have to many tags

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nightmareonfilmstreet · 7 years ago

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Interview: FLESH OF THE VOID'S James Quinn

New Post has been published on https://www.nofspodcast.com/interview-flesh-voids-james-quinn/

Interview: FLESH OF THE VOID'S James Quinn

This is not a film. It’s not there to entertain. It’s not there to make you feel good. It is in its very core a psychological experiment. -Director James Quinn

2017’s Flesh of the Void is a terribly disturbing experimental horror feature about what it could feel like if death truly were the most horrible thing one could ever experience. Nightmare on Film Street reached out to the film’s director, James Quinn, about his choices for creating the film along with some of the intense criticisms that followed.

NOFS: What lead you to create ‘Flesh of the Void’?

JQ: The idea for Flesh of the Void came to me completely out of nowhere, actually. It all started with the video from ‘The Ring‘. Personally, horror films never really scared or severely unsettled me. Even the hardcore ones. They excite me, and I love them, but in the end, they’re just films. At one point, the tape from ‘The Ring’ was mentioned in regards to my last film, The Law of Sodom, somebody said it reminded him of it. After that, I went on YouTube and watched the tape again. I had already seen it of course but wanted to watch it again, out of context. And it blew me away. There was just something incredibly dreadful about it, and I felt like if I wouldn’t have known it’s part of a narrative feature, it would have genuinely kept me from sleeping. It made me think, why exactly? I watched some insanely creepy deep web videos after that and came to the conclusion that the simple fact of not having the slightest bit of an idea what exactly it is that you’re watching, and knowing almost nothing about how it was created play a major role in why it’s so unsettling. That, paired with the fact that all you’re seeing seems to be a compilation of things humans deeply, horribly despise or fear. This was insanely fascinating to me, and at one point I just thought: “What if someone would actually make an entire feature like this?”. The funny thing is, the project was still supposed to be a short film at first, we were planning it to be about eight minutes long. After I realized the endless possibilities I had with it, it went on and on, until we decided it should definitely become a feature.

NOFS: Is there an over-arching message within the film?

JQ: For me, yes. I created the film with a very certain theme and thought behind it. The thing is, I will never, ever tell anybody what exactly the film means to me personally. It is such a grotesque, surreal piece of work, open to many interpretations, and I believe it is important for people to decide for themselves what the meaning and message behind it are, or if there is any at all for them. This enables everybody to have a completely different experience, to maybe see everything in a whole other way than everybody else. This is something that has always fascinated me with experimental films. The sheer endless possibilities of creating one’s own world inside a finished work of art. It is the very reason that got me into making films.

Still from Flesh of the Void

NOFS: How does ‘Flesh of the Void’ differ from past projects?

JQ: There are some similarities to my past projects in some scenes, but overall, this one is quite different. I like to always incorporate trademark elements, which I definitely did in Flesh of the Void, but generally, it differs vastly to what I’ve done up until now. It is black and white and grainy, and presented in the 4:3 aspect ratio, just like my recent short The Law of Sodom, in this case though, the visuals are completely unique, since it was shot on actual film. Not only that, I experimented heavily with expired Super 8 stock, which I developed myself, and purposely treated very carelessly, so it would get scratched and dirty. It’s not only visually different though, but also in terms of content. Some of my other films were already quite incoherent, but this film tops that. I wanted to make something completely disorienting, so some of the scenes are just single shots, there are subliminal images popping up all the time, and I extensively used the element of long single shots, making some scenes very long. The thing that I would say differs most to my other projects is that up until now, I always tried to make the films enjoyable in at least some way, and, while still being disturbing, make them actually entertaining. That was not the case this time. I wanted to make something that actually hurts, that makes you feel uncomfortable and uneasy, and completely ignored all rules I’ve ever learned about how to make a film entertaining to its audience. I don’t want to entertain in this case. I want to put people’s brains on fire.

Still from Flesh of the Void

NOFS: Why the use of Super 8 film?

JQ: Flesh of the Void was shot on three different types of film. Old, expired Super 8, which I developed myself, and experimented with visually, new, modern Super 8 stock, which was professionally developed, and 16mm. After I had developed the concept of the film a bit further, it was clear pretty early on that I couldn’t pull this off with digital cameras. You can always alter digital footage in post, make it look more rough and dirty, but nothing comes close to the feel and look of the actual film. At one point, I just bought dozens of stone old Kodachrome cartridges on eBay and started experimenting with it. The chemicals to develop this type of film don’t exist anymore, so I figured out my own way of developing it, which turned out to give it an intensely raw, and brutally grainy look. This was used to create the first third of the film. In the second third, it switches to new, modern Super 8 stock. I wanted the visuals to get clearer the further the film progresses. Normal Super 8 still had enough grain for me for it to feel intensely raw. The grain was actually accentuated in post. The last third was entirely shot on 16mm. The grain was still accentuated, so it also looks very grimy, but it’s a lot finer, which was ideal for the scenes we wanted to shoot for this part of the film. In the end, all the parts seamlessly add up, and the visuals of the film progress as it moves along. This was carefully done and has a subtle psychological effect. Which is the reason we shot on film. It would have been impossible to achieve all that digitally.

NOFS: How long has it taken to film/edit the film?

JQ: It was all one large process. We didn’t shoot the entire film at once to then go into post production, we always shot junks of it, which was then put together, to see how it adds up. It was only until that point that I actually started writing what would come next. This enabled me to go into completely different directions if something felt off. In total, this took about six months of work, excluding the experimenting I had to do with the expired Super 8 stock, which took another month right before.

NOFS: What was the budget of the film?

JQ: This is tough to answer. Because to be honest, I don’t know. Nobody wants to fund films like these, especially here in Austria, so I had to finance it myself. As the film was shot and edited in junks, I just lost track of it all at some point, and frankly, I stopped caring. I needed to finish the film, no matter what, so I always found a way to finance what was needed, even if it meant selling personal belongings. I do know that the last third cost around 10 000 since we shot it mostly in one shoot that lasted for a couple of days, and it drained me financially. Other than, I’m afraid I can’t really say much.

Still from Flesh of the Void

NOFS: How do you respond to the strong criticisms against your film’s imagery and use of grotesque horror?

JQ: I personally don’t mind that a lot of people can’t really get into things like these, or even hate them. It’s a heavily experimental, grotesque and violent film, which is easy to tell even from just the trailers, and with all forms of art that dare to go a bit further, that dare to move way beyond people’s comfort zone, it’s bound to polarize. One thing that does annoy me is that people can’t stop categorizing things. “This film is a Begotten rip off”, is what I’ve heard a lot. Which is strange to me, since none of them have seen the final film yet. In general, I just ignore all the negativity. It’s a fact that strong criticism like in this case is present every time someone makes something this bizarre, and since most of the hate seems to come from people who’d rather watch the new Transformers movie and cheer towards infantile use of brain-dead action, often even seeming to lack the most basic grammar skills (which I seriously noticed very intensely among our haters), I really don’t mind, since that’s an audience I don’t want to speak to anyway. Another factor is that the negative feedback almost never consisted of constructive criticism so far, but mundane statements without arguments. Which doesn’t bother me in the slightest in regards to my work. On a purely intellectual level, it does somewhat concern me though, since it speaks volumes about our society.

NOFS: When is the planned release of the film?

JQ: At the moment, it’s planned to show it at festivals first, with a DVD and possible Blu Ray release after. I’m also thinking about Vimeo on Demand, but have not come to a conclusion regarding that. I’m still talking to distributors. We have already found someone for a European release, but are still looking for someone in the U.S. In case anybody might be able to help us out here, you can contact [email protected]. Once everything is certain, we will announce it all on our social media platforms, and our homepage, sodomchimera.com. For now, we’re focusing on screening the film in front of live audiences first. The world premiere is taking place at Nightmares Film Festival in Columbus, Ohio, which runs from October 19-22.

NOFS: Where can we find/purchase the film upon its release?

JQ: Like I said, we’re still working on everything, but it will be possible to order the DVD online. For anyone who wants to stay updated and not miss news about the release: You can subscribe to our newsletter at sodomchimera.com, you’ll then receive an email every time we post updates.

NOFS: Are there any things you’d like to disclose about the film?

JQ: If there’s one thing I’d like to specifically say about Flesh of the Void, it is the following: This is not a film. It’s not there to entertain. It’s not there to make you feel good. It is at its very core a psychological experiment. When I started going public with it, I had a very certain task in mind that I was trying to achieve. Something that would give me a lot of insight on modern audiences, and even has quite some social relevance. At this point, I can’t reveal what the exact goal of the experiment was, I can say though that it was massively successful to a degree that stuns me since the film is not even out yet. I might reveal everything at some point in the future, but that’s still open to decide for me, and depends on a few critical factors. To the people who are going to watch the film: Keep in mind what I just said while sitting through it. It’s not made for you to have fun. Which doesn’t mean you can’t like it though, at all. I’m very happy about people appreciating the provocative, the experimental. That said, I’m ridiculously curious about how people will actually react to the full film. It’s a lot of controversial material for the fact that it’s just 76 minutes long.

Please note that this trailer is not safe for work and features disturbing imagery along with grotesque horror.

youtube

#art film #art house #experimental #Flesh of the Void #horror #indie horror #james quinn #new horror #Sodom and Chimera #underground

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memozing · 5 years ago

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#online learning

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weightlossfitness2 · 5 years ago

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Foods to Avoid to Lose Weight

At Precision Nutrition, we don’t inform our purchasers precisely what to eat—or what to not eat.

In truth, we boldly say: “There are no bad foods.”

Our stance tends to spark tons and many questions, which is why we determined to take a deep dive into the entire “good foods vs. bad foods” debate.

In this text we’ll:

discover how good vs. dangerous considering can really set individuals as much as eat MORE of the “bad” meals

provide an alternate method to consider sweets, chips, and different low-nutrient meals

present strategies we use to assist to liberate purchasers from the great vs. dangerous mindset.

We’ll be trustworthy. The “no bad foods” philosophy could be actually scary, particularly for individuals who’ve spent years organizing meals into good and dangerous classes.

But it may also be equally transformative.

We’ve discovered that after our purchasers welcome the meals they love again into their lives—with out worry and with out guilt—they wrestle much less, get pleasure from consuming extra, and, lastly, are capable of overcome obstacles that stand between them and their wholesome consuming objectives.

Why the great vs. dangerous strategy simply doesn’t work.

Many individuals divide meals into simply two classes.

Good meals: Vegetables, legumes, complete grains, fish, lean meat, and different minimally-processed, nutrient-dense meals.

Bad meals: Sweets, chips, crackers, white bread, fries, and different highly-processed meals that provide little to no dietary worth.

And earlier than we clarify why we don’t kind meals into “good” and “bad” buckets, we need to be very clear. The dietary variations between these two classes are fairly straightforward to identify.

Many of the so-called “bad” meals, in excessive quantities, can elevate the danger for a wide range of ailments.

They’re additionally extremely arduous to withstand. (The meals business actually has created low-cost, simply accessible merchandise that our style buds and brains love.)

But are they dangerous?

We don’t use that terminology—for six main causes.

Reason #1: One single meals doesn’t outline your whole weight loss program.

Maybe you’ve heard of a youngster who ate simply 4 meals for many of his life: fries, chips, white bread, and processed pork.1

And then he went blind.

It’s a cautionary story, for certain, however it’s necessary to maintain one factor in perspective: That teen is an outlier. Most individuals don’t eat simply 4 meals.

They eat a range.

And the fries, chips, bread, and pork didn’t trigger the teenager’s blindness immediately.

They precipitated it not directly—by crowding out meals wanted for good eye well being.

What really issues for good well being? Balance.

In different phrases, you don’t need your toaster pastries, spray cheese-like product, and crescent rolls to crowd out veggies, fruit, beans, nuts, recent meats, seafood, and different nutrient-dense complete meals.

If they do, like the teenager we talked about, you run the danger of deficiency.

So the query is: Are you in stability?

We expertise huge advantages (fats loss, improved well being) once we go from poor diet to common or above common.

But ultimately, we see diminishing returns.

As this chart exhibits, not solely are positive aspects a lot tougher to see after 80 to 90 p.c of your weight loss program consists of complete, minimally-processed meals, you additionally run the danger of consuming problems like orthorexia (an unhealthy obsession with wholesome consuming).

Is most (80 to 90 p.c) of what you eat nutrient-dense and minimally processed? (Think veggies, fruit, meat, fish, nuts, seeds, beans, lentils, complete grains.) Then there’s seemingly room for much less nutritious meals.

Is most of what you eat highly-processed and nutrient-poor? (Think sweets and chips.) Consider small actions to make your weight loss program just a bit bit higher. Slowly add extra nutrient-dense meals (veggies, fruit, fish, poultry, and so forth) to every meal. Use our “What Should I Eat?” infographic for steering.

Reason #2: No one meals is dangerous for all individuals in all conditions.

To illustrate this level, Precision Nutrition Master Coach Kate Solovieva typically brings up cola.

Many individuals see it as a foul meals. Because it’s loaded with sugar and missing in nutritional vitamins and minerals.

But is cola dangerous in all conditions?

“Let’s say you’re visiting a country with no safe drinking water,” says Solovieva. “In that case, cola—with its air-tight seal—is a much better option than water.”

Or, possibly you’re sixty sweaty miles right into a 100-mile bike race and your blood sugar is so low that you simply’re hallucinating flying pink elephants. In that case, the sugar and caffeine within the cola may make the distinction between ending the race and a DNF.

Our particular person physiology and psychology additionally have an effect on what occurs once we eat particular meals.

Added sugar, for instance, impacts somebody with sort 2 diabetes otherwise than it impacts somebody whose cells are insulin delicate. And it could have an effect on the identical individual otherwise relying on whether or not they’re sleep disadvantaged.

At PN, we discuss lots about deep well being—which describes a lot greater than our weight, ldl cholesterol degree, and blood sugar.

Deep well being contains the place we stay and the way we really feel and who we spend time with. It’s about each side of who we’re.

When you think about well being on this mild, the precise meals grow to be much less necessary, and the general consuming sample and full context of somebody��s life turns into much more necessary.

Reason #three: Demonizing sure meals could make them much more interesting.

Lots of individuals inform us that 100 p.c abstaining from “bad foods” is the one method they will keep any smidgen of management round their consuming.

If they are saying “okay” to 1 “bad” meals, they fear they’ll open the floodgates to a weight loss program swollen with cookies, brownies, chips, and fries—in addition to devoid of veggies and different complete meals.

Here’s the factor:

There’s a delicate distinction between demonizing a meals and merely abstaining from it as a result of you understand you are likely to overeat it.

When we demonize meals, we “moralize these foods—thinking of ourselves as bad people for eating them,” says Solovieva.

This paradoxically can enhance our want for the very meals we’re making an attempt to not eat. When researchers from Arizona State University confirmed dieters damaging messages about unhealthy meals, the dieters skilled elevated cravings for these meals—and ate extra of them.2

It’s true that some individuals can prohibit sure “bad” meals for some time.

But, for lots of people, cravings ultimately overwhelm their skill to limit. And once they eat one thing “bad”—they really feel responsible. So they eat much more—and should even cease making an attempt to achieve their objectives. This can create a vicious circle, because the graphic under exhibits.

Now, allow us to be clear: For some individuals, sure meals will not be definitely worth the wrestle—no less than for now. They might determine that, in the event that they’re round sure meals, they’re going to overeat them. So they get them out of the home.

And that technique can work. In truth, we encourage our purchasers to do kitchen makeovers and take away meals they have a tendency to overeat.

But it’s not the identical factor as labeling a meals as “bad.”

When we label meals “something I tend to overeat” quite than “bad,” we’re higher capable of loosen up, stay versatile, and, doubtlessly, develop into somebody who can get pleasure from the identical meals, carefully.

Reason #four: Categorizing meals as “good” and “bad” can work—however often just for some time.

Having coached greater than 100,000 purchasers, we are able to say with confidence that “all or nothing” hardly ever will get us “all.”

Instead, it typically will get us nothing.

For instance, when somebody decides to cease consuming “bad” meals, often they fight actually arduous to remain true to their aim. They’re dedicated, and so they even might keep on with avoiding an extended checklist of forbidden meals… for a bit.

But then one thing goes incorrect.

Maybe they go to work and discover that a coworker left home made brownies on their desk.

Or each a part of their day goes sideways and, within the night, they discover themselves head down in a gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough as they suppose “This is bad.”

Or they’re driving for hours to go to kinfolk, pull right into a relaxation cease, and all they discover to eat: the stuff on their forbidden meals checklist.

Rigidity—good or dangerous, all or nothing—is the enemy of consistency.

But on the flipside, flexibility helps you keep extra constant. That’s as a result of it lets you lean into all of the options out there to you.

Flexibility additionally frees individuals to make use of inner steering—quite than another person’s exterior guidelines—to determine what meals to eat, when to eat them, and why.

So, for instance, quite than avoiding sugar simply because a well being website informed them to cease consuming it, somebody may think about:

Am I hungry?

Am I careworn?

Is this meals value it to me?

What else have I eaten at present?

What would enable me to really get pleasure from this meals—with out going overboard?

That inner steering may enable that individual with the brownie to say, “You know, I really like brownies, but I’m going to save this until after lunch, when I’m not as hungry, so I can eat it slowly and truly savor it.”

Or that one who is head down within the gallon of ice cream to say, “Okay, so this was probably more ice cream than my body really needed. True. No getting around that. How can I avoid feeling this triggered in the future? And are there other ways I can comfort myself that don’t involve raiding the freezer?”

And for that individual on the relaxation cease, flexibility permits them to scan their decisions and go for the most effective meal for them at that second.

Reason #5: It’s actually okay—and fully regular—to eat for pleasure.

Food serves many functions far past simply flooding somebody’s physique with vitamins and energy.

Some meals aren’t essentially loaded with vitamins, however they:

Taste wonderful.

Connect us with associates and households.

Create a way of belonging.

Make celebrations worthwhile.

In different phrases, meals isn’t simply gasoline. It’s additionally love and tradition and pleasure—and an entire lot extra.

When you consider meals on this method, every little thing—even your grandma’s particular black forest cake—can have a goal and a spot.

Rather than an inventory of meals you possibly can or can’t eat, you as an alternative have decisions. You have meals you select to eat for vitality, for pleasure, for well being, and lots of different necessary causes.

Reason #6: When we obsess over “bad foods,” we rob ourselves of the power to evolve.

Rigidly abstaining can train us to get actually good at… abstaining.

And when you’re okay with abstaining from an extended checklist of meals for the remainder of your life, there’s nothing incorrect with that strategy.

But when you’re not okay with a life sentence of no cookies, no brownies, no cake, no bread, and no pasta, then you might be completely happy to study that there’s an alternate strategy. It entails getting inquisitive about why you wrestle to average your consumption of sure meals.

Consider:

What results in feeling out-of-control?

What triggers the “I need this” and the “I can’t stop eating this” ideas?

When is it doable to eat this meals in average quantities (if ever)? When isn’t it?

The level: Rather than zeroing in on “bad foods,” search for the underlying causes (known as triggers) that lead you to wrestle.

A set off generally is a:

Feeling. We may eat extra once we’re careworn, lonely, or bored. Food fills the void.

Time of day. We at all times have a cookie at 11 am, or a soda at three pm. It’s simply a part of our routine.

Social setting. Hey, everybody else is having beer and hen wings, so may as effectively be a part of the completely happy hour!

Place. For some purpose, a darkish movie show or our mother and father’ kitchen may make us need to munch.

Thought sample. Thinking “I deserve this” or “Life is too hard to chew kale” may steer us towards the drive-thru window.

To uncover triggers, we regularly ask our purchasers to maintain a meals journal—writing down every little thing they eat and drink for per week or two. When they discover themselves craving or feeling uncontrolled, we ask them to jot down the solutions to questions like:

What am I feeling?

What time is it?

Who am I with?

Where am I?

What ideas am I having?

They strategy it with a “feedback not failure” mentality.

The level isn’t to catch them doing one thing incorrect. It’s to assist them assess what’s actually occurring.

Once we perceive why our purchasers are reaching for these meals, we’re better-equipped to counsel actions that actually assist them transfer in direction of a more healthy relationship with all meals.

One Man’s Evolution Away From Bad Foods

Dominic Matteo grew up studying bodybuilding magazines. For most of his life, he considered veggies, hen breast, egg whites, candy potatoes, oats, and some different meals as “good.”

All different meals? Bad.

These distinctions didn’t hassle him when he wasn’t making an attempt to shed fats.

But as soon as he began making an attempt to limit his consumption, the label “bad” functioned like a tractor beam that drew him straight to the ice cream.

“That’s when I was like, ‘Oh, this is a problem,’” he says.

For a number of months, he fully abstained from all sweets. He simply didn’t eat sugar—in any respect.

But he knew that wasn’t a sustainable—or fulfilling—technique to stay.

After making use of Precision Nutrition methods, nonetheless, Matteo began to view his checklist of dangerous meals otherwise. Rather than seeing ice cream as “bad,” he considered it as “a food I enjoy, but slows my progress.”

That new label allowed him to contemplate how and underneath what circumstances he would coexist with this candy deal with.

“Now, if I do eat it, it will be under certain conditions that I can feel happy about,” he says.

For instance, he likes to take pleasure in ice cream from outlets that make it recent that day. But lower-quality ice cream isn’t value it for him.

Today, Matteo is greater than 100 kilos lighter and, as a Precision Nutrition Master Coach, he’s serving to others to observe in his footsteps.

“If there are no good or bad foods, how can anyone ever know what to eat—and what to limit?”

We hear this lots.

That’s as a result of some individuals assume that “no bad foods” is synonymous with “all foods are good so eat whatever you want.”

But that’s not what we’re saying in any respect.

We are, nonetheless, saying this: Rather than sorting meals into simply two buckets—good and dangerous—it’s often extra useful for most individuals to see meals as a continuum of eat extra, eat some, and eat much less.

This may, at first, merely sound like one other technique to kind meals into classes.

But it’s not.

Unlike lists of dangerous meals, which are typically universally inflexible, a continuum “allows everything to be contextual and personalized,” explains Precision Nutrition Master Coach Dominic Matteo.

“If my goal is muscle gain, my continuum will look different than if my goal is fat loss,” Matteo says.

Once individuals outline that continuum for themselves, we then work with them to seek out methods to incorporate extra “eat more” meals and fewer “eat less” meals, aiming to make every meal just a bit bit higher.

For instance, earlier than Matteo grew to become a Precision Nutrition Master Coach, he was a consumer who needed to lose fats. This is how “just a little bit better” regarded like for him for a selected quick meals lunch.

He ultimately ended up in an identical place that some forbidden meals lists might have despatched him, however he did it in small steps, and in a method that was finally extra sustainable.

What’s extra, it didn’t imply he might by no means have a double bacon cheeseburger once more. Sometimes he does, however he enjoys it—on his phrases.

“My client believes in bad foods—as if they were a religion. Help!”

Saying, “there are no bad foods” often ends in a clean stare.

So, faux you don’t know the solutions, says Kate Solovieva.

Assume a poker face, and ask questions that appear apparent.

What follows is a dialog Solovieva had with a consumer about this very matter.

Client: Bad meals are my drawback. I want to chop them out. I simply can’t eat them.

Coach: So, are you able to inform me slightly bit extra. When you speak about chopping out the dangerous meals, what does that appear like?

Client: Taking sugar out of my weight loss program.

Coach: So whenever you say sugar, what are among the issues you might be considering of?

Client: Cookies. Pastries. Chocolate—chocolate is my weak spot.

Coach: So… you actually get pleasure from chocolate?

Client: I do.

Coach: Help me perceive. What is it that you simply get pleasure from?

Client: I don’t know if it’s the frenzy of consuming the chocolate bar itself. Or possibly it’s the truth that I don’t have it on a regular basis. I don’t know. There’s one thing about chocolate.

Coach: So, in some methods, it makes you’re feeling tremendous good. And it clearly provides you pleasure. What makes you label it as dangerous?

Client: It’s the high-calorie rely and the quantity—the portion.

Coach: So the excessive variety of energy makes it dangerous? Can you clarify?

Client: Well, for me, it results in weight achieve.

Coach: So what I’m listening to is that it’s not the chocolate that’s dangerous. It’s the load achieve that’s dangerous. Is that proper?

Client: Pretty a lot. Exactly.

Coach: So I’m inquisitive about one thing you mentioned. You love chocolate. You get pleasure from it. You just like the style of it. When I requested why it’s dangerous, you informed me concerning the energy and the parts. Can you inform me extra?

Client: Well, I can’t simply have one or two squares. Ideally I shouldn’t have any greater than 5 squares—half a bar. But I don’t have that management. The second I style it, I’ve to have increasingly more and extra.

Coach: So what occurs whenever you don’t have chocolate in any respect?

Client: I’ve gone months with out it. And it’s nice! But then I find yourself consuming it—like on a special day. And then I binge. And then every little thing goes downhill. So I’m higher off not having it in any respect.

Coach: What do you suppose would occur when you had slightly bit… on a regular basis? Like on goal.

Client: I don’t know…I don’t suppose I’ve that management. Should I attempt that?

Coach: I don’t know. Should you?

Client: (Sounding tentative) Sure, possibly I can attempt that?

Coach: Well, what I’m listening to is that you simply get pleasure from it. And it sounds just like the bingeing conduct is going on since you don’t have it every single day. So possibly you possibly can do this as an experiment. Maybe you see what occurs if, each single day, you might have this factor that you simply get pleasure from. And whenever you eat it, in order for you extra, you possibly can simply remind your self which you could have extra—tomorrow. Are you with me?

Client: Yes.

Coach: It’s a scary experiment. But when you determine to provide it a shot, let me know, okay?

Client: Okay, I’ll. I’m kinda nervous about it, however I’ll attempt it.

And then the dialog can go on to outline the experiment: How a lot chocolate? What time of day? How will you eat it?

And it doesn’t matter what the consumer finally does—whether or not the consumer tries the suggestion or not—“you’re in a position for them to come back to you without feeling judged,” Solovieva says.

“Isn’t it just easier to not eat certain foods?”

For some individuals in some conditions at sure factors of their journey: sure.

But this have to abstain doesn’t need to be a everlasting scenario. Once they develop a spread of habits, many individuals can shift from abstaining from sure meals to moderating them.

That’s why we wish to ask our purchasers to contemplate two questions concerning the meals they consider as dangerous:

What does this meals do—for you?

What would you like it to do?

For instance, possibly, proper now, sure meals make you’re feeling uncontrolled since you wrestle to cease consuming them when you begin. But you’d like them to merely grow to be meals you get pleasure from carefully.

What are the entire doable methods of going from level A (uncontrolled) to level B (one thing I get pleasure from carefully)?

There are dozens of different prospects that we didn’t even checklist on the chart above. You may attempt one. You may attempt a number of. You may attempt all of them.

The level: You might discover that liberating your self from the great vs. dangerous mindset frees you to see extra prospects than ever earlier than.

And, alongside the best way, you may additionally uncover that this broader, extra versatile mindset permits you not solely to get pleasure from each meal a heck of much more—but additionally to achieve your objectives extra rapidly.

References

Click right here to view the data sources referenced on this article.

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The Precision Nutrition Level 1 Certification is the world’s most revered diet schooling program. It provides you the information, techniques, and instruments you want to actually perceive how meals influences an individual’s well being and health. Plus the power to show that information right into a thriving teaching observe.

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Whether you’re already mid-career, or simply beginning out, the Level 1 Certification is your springboard to a deeper understanding of diet, the authority to educate it, and the skill to show what you understand into outcomes.

[Of course, when you’re already a pupil or graduate of the Level 1 Certification, try our Level 2 Certification Master Class. It’s an unique, year-long mentorship designed for elite professionals trying to grasp the artwork of teaching and be a part of the highest 1% of well being and health coaches on this planet.]

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If you’re prepared for a deeper understanding of diet, the authority to educate it, and the skill to show what you understand into outcomes… that is your probability to see what the world’s high skilled diet teaching system can do for you.

The post Foods to Avoid to Lose Weight appeared first on Weight Loss Fitness.

from Weight Loss Fitness https://weightlossfitnesss.info/foods-to-avoid-to-lose-weight/

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childpsychnurse-blog · 7 years ago

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The Stories We Tell

*Disclaimer: all names and identifying information about patients have been modified. Please see “About and Disclaimer” for more information.

We can get wrapped up in a kid’s story and presentation and forget that they exist in an environment all their own, and their family lives this. I have a job and everyday I make a choice to go to work, even if I don’t want to. I can quit and go work somewhere else. When my shift ends, I leave.

Patients and families don’t usually have that choice.

One day I was charge nurse, and during hand off the night charge wanted to put a dad on my radar. A young girl I’ll call *Katie had admitted late the night before (or that morning, if you will) and gone to sleep very late. Around 430 am, another patient woke up. This peer is particularly loud and has been on our unit for a while. I like him, but he can be annoying and only has one volume. Long story short, peer is loud, Katie and dad wake up, dad comes out frustrated, peer begins banging on Katie’s door and screaming (negative attention-seeking), peer is ultimately relocated and dad is reported to (not unreasonably) be mad and in need of a check-in from the charge nurse.

Great.

I worked an extra Thursday in addition to my regular Friday-Sunday stretch, so this is my fourth 12-hour shift in a row. The day before had a big restraint event, which is traumatic for everyone, some comments from a coworker that had set me off however much I tried not to take things personally, and I’d left not feeling particularly great. I slept about 5 hours and I’m tired and have a headache. To be honest, right now I’m a far shot from my best version of myself. And I’m not particularly interested in having another “I’m sorry, yes I understand you’re concerned about our ability to keep your daughter safe, this peer is very sick and we did move him, I’m sorry, we’re basically a mental health ED so sometimes this happens but it sucks and we’re going to do everything we can to keep it from happening again” conversation with a dad. Yes, it’s fair that he’s miffed, but you’re on a pediatric psych unit, come on.

But this is my job and ultimately I’m choosing to be here and this dad and his daughter don’t exactly have a choice. (Legally they probably do, depending on the case, but what I mean is that there isn’t a safer option for them and they know it. This particular girl is suicidal and can’t commit to being safe and dad can’t keep her safe, so they’re here whether they like it or not.) This entire family is in crisis and they definitely don’t want to be here either. They’re probably scared and sleep-deprived and still in shock from whatever horrible crisis event brought them to our unit in the first place. So I’m gonna put on big girl pants and stop feeling sorry for myself.

I finish my hand-offs and time-sensitive morning tasks. I walk back to the nursing station and one of the night coaches stops me.

“Hey, Katie’s dad is waiting for a check-in, are you going to talk to him?”

Yup. Great. On it. Now apparently. Cool.

I walk into the room and introduce myself. Dad shakes my hand and tells me his name. He looks pretty neutral and he waits for me to speak. I sit on the bed across from him and remind myself how much it really really sucks for this family that they have to be here and how scary it must be. This is my job and I’m used to screaming kids and picking coping skills to deal with them. Most people are not.

“I’m so sorry about what happened this morning. I know you all got in super late and I’m sure it was the last thing you and Katie needed. We are moving that friend’s room so hopefully it won’t happen again. Again, I’m really sorry.”

Dad nods. “I know where we are. I get it.” He looks down, then back at me. “We were here in *March. But my worry is she’s worse.” Oh. He doesn’t actually care about the peer. That was a symptom of something else. I nod and make mmm-hmming noises, so he continues. “Now her mom and I are going through a divorce. It’s amicable, I mean, we’re talking and all, but I know it affects Katie.”

Dad looks like he might cry. I lean forward. “There’s so much going on. And it’s so hard that she’s here, that she needs to be.” I hear you. You’re not crazy. This sucks.

Dad nods. “Mom doesn’t want her here, but I just think she needs to be. I want her to be safe. I want her to get better. I don’t know what to do.”

I nod again. “We will keep her safe. We can’t fix everything, but we can keep her safe. Get her to a place where she’s safe enough to get the resources she needs at home.”

We talk a little more and I make sure he knows about the resources and teams we have for families on the unit. I offer him water and ask if he needs anything else. I don’t have a ton of groundbreaking things to say, but I’m there and he appreciates it. I let him know I’ll be on the unit until 730 pm if he needs me and he thanks me.

We work in a stressful environment by nature. Sometimes we forget that we’re human. Sometimes we forget that everyone else is human. We start telling ourselves stories in our heads and those stories become facts and change the way we see others and interactions.

But when we look at them, we see what they are: stories. Sometimes there’s truth to them and we have them for a reason, but they are not facts.

The story I was telling myself, under layers of consciousness and thought patterns and processes, was that this dad was going to be an unreasonable jerk. This wouldn’t exactly have been a fair assessment even if he WAS mad, but regardless a part of my brain had already categorized him in a way that ended up being very wrong.

Well, that’s humbling.

Later that day, a call for support comes over our walkies, aka “we need a charge nurse or somebody to help with something right now.” I find Katie lying on the ground in our hallway, dad sitting behind her. She’s gasping and sobbing and not responding verbally. Either a panic attack or a flashback, I’m not completely sure what. Looks more like a flashback. Damn.

I crouch down by her and am careful not to touch her or lean over her. Soft voice, short sentences, even affect. “Katie, you’re safe. You’re in [the] hospital. I’m [the] nurse and dad is here. You’re safe. Nice deep breaths. Breathe in, breathe out.”

You’re safe, you’re safe, you’re safe. Every few seconds, and orienting her to where she is and who is here. Reminding her to breathe. We have to wait these out.

Flashbacks suck. The reality that kids have PTSD from trauma and have flashbacks to begin with sucks. It really really sucks.

Gradually her breaths deepen and her gasps slow. “Katie, can you here me?”

Her head moves up and down ever so slightly.

Again. “You’re safe. You’re in the hospital with [me] the nurse and dad. You’re safe.”

Her eyes open slightly.

“Do you want to go somewhere quieter and so you have some privacy?”

This time, a definite nod.

“Ok, let’s sit up slowly. Dad’s coming up from behind to support your back. My arm is right here if you want to grab it but I won’t touch you.”

We get Katie and dad moved and I let them have some space while they both recover. I pop out of the nursing station every few minutes to get them things and check in.

Dad has to go. He tells me and Katie this when I come out. “Katie, your mom is coming in half an hour. I have [your brother] tonight so I can’t spend the night.” Katie starts crying and dad rushes to continue. “But if mom can’t stay tonight we’ll figure it out. I’ll come back. I promise. I’ll come back. We’ll make it work.”

Katie presses into his chest and he holds her tight. “You’re in good hands, Katie.” Then he looks at me. “You’re in very very good hands.”

Shit, I’m gonna cry.

I didn’t do much. I was just there. And I had a bad attitude about this guy this morning without even meeting him.

“We’ll take care of you Katie, ok? I promise.”

Sometimes my patients and their families teach me more than I teach them. Frequently my patients and their families teach me more than I teach them.

I walk dad off the unit and he goes home to a house without his daughter with a heaviness and sadness in his heart that won’t easily fade. I finish my shift, manage aggressive events with other patients, change orders, write plans, check-in with staff and make sure THEY have what they need, and eventually I handoff to the nights’ crew. I’m reminded that the coworker who upset me the day before is going to a funeral. Well there was another story I told myself. Glad I waited to say anything about it. I go home and I’m carrying the weight of a different event, a different patient, a different story and set of facts. I kiss my husband, walk my puppy, eat dinner and have a beer. Work comes home with me, sometimes, but even so my little corner of the world is pretty stable right now and I’m downright lucky.

I think about that patient and dad later though. I hope we can help them get what they need, for now. It will be a long road ahead and we’re just a little stop on the way.

But maybe I can and have touched them in some way, however small, and just helped them feel heard and cared for. Even if the truth is that I’m crabby and flawed just like everyone else. Maybe I haven’t. But either way, being a tiny part of these stories, the real stories and not the ones we tell ourselves in our heads, being present with people at what is often their absolute worst and one of the hardest things they’ve been through, that is one of the greatest honors I can imagine.

#mental health #psych nursing #child psych #psychology #nursing

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chorusfm · 7 years ago

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Sir Sly on Repurposing Tragedy with ‘Don’t You Worry, Honey’

On the eve of the release of their sophomore album, I sat down with the trio from Sir Sly at the El Rey Theatre in Los Angeles to discuss their excitement about the new music, the breakout success of “High,” the personal events behind the album, and why they never want to be outworked. This interview has been edited for length and clarity. How’s album release week going? Hayden Coplen: Busy. Landon Jacobs: Yeah, prerelease week has been buuusy, with like nine u’s. We’ve been doing production rehearsals, a lot of running around town, and meetings and interviews. It’s been great, though. Hayden put it best a minute ago. He said, “It’s absolutely worth putting all the time and energy into supporting the album, because it wouldn’t feel right not to.” We put so much energy into making the album that it would be completely wrong to not put all that energy into supporting it as well. Coplen: Did you see the Radiohead oral history that was out? The Rolling Stone one? Yeah, yeah. Coplen: There’s that one part, I can’t remember if it’s Jonny or Thom, where he says, “We had to earn the right to go away.” That was their goal as a band, which I thought was really interesting. Now you think of them as a band that is very picky, says no to a lot of stuff, but they were saying we said yes until we had earned the right to say no. That’s a fair approach. I like that approach. Does it feel a lot different than when you released your first album? Coplen: Yeah. Jacobs: The excitement surrounding this album release has felt very different, even from things like radio interviews and stuff. The people asking us questions, there’s that intangible feeling people care more this time around. Maybe that’s because it’s obvious we care more. Coplen: I think there’s more to grab onto, honestly. Showing personality can be hard. To be candid, we felt that on the first album in a lot of ways. Jacobs: It was easier to be mysterious than it was to come across as confident, normal folks who are just pursuing what we love to do, which is making music. The making of the second album, there was no way we could come out on the other side and not feel confident about what we did, because we spent so much time on it. Even to make the songs the way we did, for me to write about the things I did lyrically, I had to take a leap of faith in some ways. The fact that Jason and Hayden were so supportive and confident in me throughout that time too did wonders for us feeling like we could really step out and do what we want to do in music videos and talk about ourselves the way we want to be able to talk about ourselves. It seems the excitement that people have waiting for the album to come out, or the questions they have about it, is a little more earnest. It seems that everyone is a little more excited than they were for the first album. Does Chase Kensrue still tour with you guys? Jacobs: He does not, unfortunately. There’s a hole in our heart that we filled with a giant plush brain, and some lighting and some gear. That’s maybe the easiest reason. Coplen: We wish they were here. Touring is hard. Jacobs: There’s a big gap in between. Coplen: Yeah, there’s a big gab between being a small band and being a band that can adequately support everyone. Jacobs: That first album cycle we were not quite kids, but I don’t really feel like I was an adult, though. This break of two years since we last toured in earnest is that exact timeline where if we’re not on the road, it’s time for us to move on and pursue other things. So we gave them a pat on the back and blessings. Hopefully we can keep on getting more gear to fill that hole in our hearts [laughter]. You’re originally from over there in Orange County, right? Jacobs: Yeah, so we grew up listening to Thrice. Jason Suwito: We grew up in Mission Viejo and Irvine. Jacobs: I remember the first time I met Chase. I was like, “You look eerily familiar.” Coplen: I was inner fanboying when Dustin was at the show. Jacobs: We went and got Mexican food with him one time, and I was like, “Dude, I saw you guys at the Wiltern!” It was Thrice, Brand New and mewithoutYou. Those were like my three favorite bands in one concert back then. I was like, “Oh my god!!” And then I’m sharing nachos that were made on Doritos with Dustin. Dustin was like, “You gotta try these [laughter].” Coplen: In between talking about C.S. Lewis. Jacobs: I was like, “Sure, I guess I’ll try some Doritos with cheese melted on top of them.” It was insane. So I know you went through some stuff in between records, which shows up on the album a lot. What was it like putting that into words and writing about it? Jacobs: A lot nicer than living in it. One of my favorite quotes about songwriting is Bjork saying it’s like exorcising demons, which doesn’t sound like much of a choice. Either you live with demons inside of you or you have to figure a way to get them out. The moment I read that I was like, Yeah, that’s exactly what it feels like. If I let these things sit and fester, I don’t find a way to creatively work through them. I like to categorize things in that way. So the album and writing these lyrics was one part necessity and another part a fun adventure of figuring out how to repurpose all these really shitty things that happened in my life into something that felt like I had purpose in. Loving music as much as I do, I wanted to make something I was so proud of that every night on tour I could go back and be thankful for the fact I get to repurpose three really difficult years into what I feel like is an amazing album. In one of your other interviews I was reading you said you wanted to write about tragedy but still have it be a fun album. Jacobs: Yeah. Similarly as I was going through when my mom died and as I got divorced, I was living alone for the first time ever in my life. I was also going out in L.A. and stuff. I was beginning to really love certain types of dance music, and dancing myself. We would go to Funky Soul Night at the Echo or whatever it was. Or I’d be alone in my apartment, dancing to Prince. I realized I wanted something that was fun for people to come and see live. We all wanted that because life is equally serious, and should be. People are always striving to have that levity, to be able to turn something tragic into something positive. The fact that we’re all still here is cause for celebration. That was kind of the thing. I have to sit and take a mental image when I’m getting stressed or getting anxious, like when we had a really difficult travel day. But at the end of it, I’m like, “Wow, that was a nightmare. But nobody’s sick. Nobody’s hurt. Nobody’s going to die. We all made it.” That’s something I’ve been constantly reminding myself of. This album, because of that, I wanted to have cause for celebration. If you come out to a show, we’re not here to weigh you down. We’re here to commiserate, to share what we’ve been through, and then hopefully to uplift each other. That’s the goal of the human experience. Coplen: I think the truth is, too, that there’s been a lot of joy. As we’re preparing for this, we’re working harder than we’ve ever worked, but we’re humming along. I have this visual like we’re above the fray. It feels really good. There’s not a lot of resistance. Everyone is in lockstep, from the band members to the team. It’s a really rare feeling. I think a lot of it stems from the record ultimately being a bit of a celebration. Jacobs: There’s a bit of magic to not taking yourself so seriously that it’s like, My mom died, therefore I have to be a sad, sappy sack of shit for the next album. There was a freedom in being able to say I still like having a good time. I miss my mom, but my mom wouldn’t want me to wallow away and make the equivalent of a Conor Oberst, drinking a gallon of vodka a day, weeping alone in my room record. That’s not the way I want to look back and see how I handled these past couple years. And, yeah, getting divorced is sad, but it’s also freeing. So there is a bit of that, too. There is the juxtaposition of the depth of grief, but I was living in a pretty free situation as well. We all wanted to reflect that accurately through the making of the record. What’s it been like seeing “High” get as big as it’s gotten so far? Jacobs: Magical. It’s the best. Apart from writing the song in the first place, and apart from making the album in the first place, the best feeling in the world is having people appreciate what you do and take it into their own. People don’t listen to music lightly. Some people do, but a lot of people are very specific about the kind of music they choose. It means a great deal to them. People are proud of their music tastes. In order to break through that barrier and have so many people love the song, it’s even nicer now that I stop and think. Everybody has their own unique taste and it’s really cool to be accepted that way by so many different people. It’s great. Coplen: Today I was doing an interview on that same point. We ended up talking about people disliking songs. When we wrote it, we all had a very good feeling about “High.” I brought up the example of Landon’s brother, who heard it and was like, “Oh, I don’t like that song.” Jacobs: He got through the first pre-chorus where it goes “Feels good to be…” and then the chorus came on and he turned it off. We were driving in his car. He turned it off and was like, “I don’t like that one.” I was like, “OK, let’s go into Walgreens.” He was like, “I don’t mean to be a dick.” And I was like, “No, it’s good.” If we can make something that some people don’t like, hopefully it means that other people are going to love it. Instead of it being in an acceptable middle range where everybody goes, “Eh, that’s OK music.” I’d rather have some people go, “I hate that. It reminds me of this other thing I hate.” And then somebody else goes, “I love that for these reasons.” I’d rather be polarizing than be the lowest common denominator that everybody can enjoy. Was the video fun to shoot? Jacobs: Absolutely. Suwito: Yeah, that was the funnest one. Jacobs: It was one of the hardest days. I’ve never seen a group of people work that hard just in general, from the people part of set design to the choreographer to the crew to Kevin, who directed it. All these people were running around on set, working crazy and so hard. But at the end of the day, it seemed like everybody was energized. They were either friends of friends or people who’ve worked together before. It was a really fun, open environment. And also they saw how hard we were working, too. It’s nice when everybody is in that same space together and you can look around and see everybody working hard. Nobody is slacking off or not giving a shit. Even at the end of a very long day, which was at the end of a very long week and after a couple long months of making this music video, it was nice to feel like everybody had given 100 percent. We had all worked tirelessly and it didn’t seem like there was any bitterness across the board from anybody that had worked on it. Which is a testament to hopefully the fun we wanted to have making the video and our resolution to never have anybody work harder than we work on our own stuff. I don’t want anybody to ever put us on their back and to look back with any bitterness. I want to know we gave it our all and everybody else is happy to work on the stuff we’re working on, because we care more than anybody else possibly could. What’s the story behind getting the Donnie Trumpet sample on “Change?” How did that idea come out? Coplen: That was me. There was a time where we were like, “Why did we ever do that?” And then we cleared it and were able to release the album, which is amazing. They were actually really gracious. But that one, I was on a plane. It was in the middle of writing. On a plane I love to mess with stuff, but it’s really hard to actually write. So I’m just manipulating different sounds or messing with cool drums. I was like, “Ah, let’s try to sample this.” “Miracle” is this amazing song that has such a unique feel to it. It’s very optimistic, and at the same time very morose and washed out. I ended up grabbing a piece of the end, pitching it up and using this guitar sample. In my head, it was a little bit like College Dropout-era Kanye. I don’t think it ultimately sounds like that, but that was something going through my head. Like, how warm his beats would always feel. They were so comfortable and nostalgic. It was like hanging out with an old friend or something. That’s what I was going for. Jacobs: Ironically enough, I don’t know if originally it was the pull subconsciously, but the lyric is something along the lines of “It’s a miracle to be alive.” We all knew the song, but it had been a while until I had paid attention to the lyrics. We had just been hearing that sample over and over. So the other day I went back and listened to it again, and it was so crazy. Sometimes there’s those little serendipitous moments, like that lyric is so close to what this album was for me lyrically. So to go back and hear that, I was able to go, “Yeah, that’s exactly why that sample was chosen. There is that feeling in that song.” And that goes for all the samples we use. There’s an immediate sonic and emotional pull, like, That’s this album right there. That’s that song. And we’d build from that moment. We’d never used samples before, but at the end of the day, it feels like we’re right at home using samples as a part of making an album. I think it’s something we’ll continue to do in the future. How about “Altar?” What was it like writing that song? Jacobs: That was one that started from a sample as well. Jason had made that instrumental flute thing. Suwito: Yeah, it was from an old TV theme. Jacobs: The chord progression he ended up making by repitching it brought out a really strange melody, something I don’t think I had ventured to do before. I actually had written this poem, a long metaphor using worshipping at an altar as a euphemism for oral sex. That was how it started. The poem is like three times as long as the lyrics are in the song. It turned into I had put her up on a pedestal, or the idea of love and marriage or whatever it was. I was raised very Evangelical Christian. My parents got married when they were 18, and her parents had gotten married when they were 18. My grandparents had gotten married when they were in their early 20s. It was what everybody in my family did, and has continued to do. I had put it up as this finish line, this point where you get there and coast through the rest of life because you’ve found the person you’re going to marry and be with forever. That song was the product of that disillusionment. The starkness of the lyrics informed the way we built off that original instrumentation. The ending with the tones of gospel music comes from a place of Hayden and I growing up and playing music in church. It works really nicely with the sample. That last bit of lyrics is probably my favorite moment on the album lyrically, using my mom’s voice as a monologue telling me how to weather the storm. We originally started making this album all about my fear and anxiety. We had really minimal electronic songs and these very scared and afraid lyrics. That moment is the exact opposite. It’s me talking to myself through my mom’s voice. It’s kind of like the voicemail on “Oh Mama.” I’m always worried that will make me cry every time I hear it, so playing it onstage can be a little rollercoaster. Let’s close with “Oh Mama” then, since that’s one of the centerpieces on the album. Did the idea for that song come first? Did the music? How did you pair the two together? Jacobs: That was a song we started writing shortly after my mom had died, which was March 2016. It was totally different. It started out with a different instrumental that Jason had been working on. It was much faster. Then we ended up writing a chorus for that song, and the verse and the chorus didn’t feel quite right. So we scrapped that whole song, but I knew I always wanted to come back to working that chorus out. When Jason showed us the new instrumentals, I had also recently had a dream about my mom. We were in San Francisco. It was me, her and my dad in this apocalypse type of setting. There was all this weird stuff happening, and it stuck with me. I was in the dream telling her how difficult life has been ever since she died. She was sitting, listening, but I wasn’t explicitly saying since you died. I was saying life has been really hard. She wasn’t talking, and I was like, Oh. Maybe she doesn’t know. She had brain cancer, so she couldn’t remember things very well. She had no short-term memory, so then she couldn’t form long-term memories. In my dream, I was thinking maybe she forgot she’s supposed to be dead and that she’s not allowed to be here visiting me. That was how those verses ended up getting started, and then we took that chorus and repurposed it into the song. Did you use an actual choir for the end? Coplen: Yeah, they were awesome. They did “Altar” and “Oh Mama.” We had them for a taped live performance at one point. Jacobs: That was another really interesting thing. We used a sample from the famous movie The Color Purple in “Trippin.’” There’s that gospel line from a scene in the movie, and one of the singers was actually in the movie and a part of the recording. The choir director also co-wrote and worked on it. He was like, “I know that.” We were like, “How do you know it?” And he’s like, “I worked on it.” We were like, “Oh!” [laughter] So that was another strange, serendipitous moment. It’s been really fun. When you work as hard as we did on this album, you end up running into all kinds of strange little fun coincidences. It makes the world a lot smaller when you extend your inspirations and extend the musical boundaries. You end up running into all kinds of things like that. Don’t You Worry, Honey is out now on Spotify and Apple Music. For more information, find Sir Sly on Facebook and Twitter. --- Please consider supporting us so we can keep bringing you stories like this one. ◎ https://chorus.fm/interviews/sir-sly-on-repurposing-tragedy-with-dont-you-worry-honey/

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