#my bloodwork is all so good guys I just don’t get it

[likesplatterpaint]

My body is trying to tell me something but it forgot to turn subtitles on

So there’s just a lot of squinting and nodding on my part at it like oh yes I Understand

(Much like when anyone gives my adhd ass long or complex Verbal directions)

(I do not understand)

[deathsmallcaps]

Tags continued from previous reblog because I just want to say it all in the tags to feel better

She’s my beautiful babygirl you see

I’m the most fucksble person in this vet hospital hahaha

[dira333]

(Not) hard to love - Komori x Reader

Requested by @alienaiver for my Follower Celebration

This was kinda hard to write, but I hope you still love it.

There are days when it’s hard for Komori to love you.

Not in the way some people might think - those people are dicks - but in the way that this profession gets in the way of being there for you.

He’s so used to being active that it’s sometimes hard for him to stay still for you. 

You’ve caught onto that soon and made it a game instead of something hurtful.

“You’re like a Golden Retriever.” You had joked. “You just wanna go and play fetch. Can you go get my cane?” 

Komori had jumped and brought it over. You patted his head like one did with a dog. 

“Good boy.” You had snickered and he had rolled his eyes playfully. “Now my shoes, please?”

.

Komori is so used to diets and exercise, to the things one does to get better that it’s sometimes hard for him to accept that chronic diseases do not get better. 

And then he feels ashamed because why did he have a hard time with it when it was you who was actively suffering from it?

“There, there.” You rub your hand over his back. His head is buried in his lap, the only way to hide his miserable mood from you but he thinks he’s probably failing at it. “I’ve had a long time to accept it, Baby. It’s okay that you’re mad about it. I’m mad about it too.”

“I just want to do something to help!” He sounds whiny and he hates it. 

“But you are. You’re doing so much. Like cooking and cleaning and getting the groceries up from the car. Driving a car, too! You make my life the best possible thing!”

Komori huffs a little and falls silent. It’s cute how upset he can get over things he can’t change, just because he wants to change them. How he always wants to do more for you even when he’s doing so much already.

You squeeze his butt and he yelps, shooting up from his hiding place in your lap.

“You beast.” He snarls, peppers kisses over your face as punishment. 

This is the Komori you prefer. Playful, gentle, and, in the back of his head, always worried about you.

.

“Have you been eating?” Komori asks, drawing his finger over the screen where your face is. He longs to touch you. It’s only been two days but he misses you.

“Yeah.” You nod. “You left plenty for me to heat up. Today I had the Miso Soup.”

“You have to eat veggies too.” He reminds you. “Did you eat the Orange I peeled for you?”

“Yep.” You pop the p. “Thank you for that. You’re the best boyfriend.”

“I could be better.” Komori hopes you can’t pick up the blush through the grainy screen but he doubts it. You’ve got great eyesight when it comes to these things. 

“What do you mean? You’re the best boyfriend I could ever hope for.”

“The best boyfriend you could ever hope for wouldn’t have to leave the country for work for a full week.” He points out.

You huff out a laugh. “Oh, Motoya. It’s work. You can’t help it. Besides, you can get me some plushies from the Duty-Free Shop.”

“Already bought them.” He points out. “Not showing you any until I get home.”

“Come on, baby.” You coo. “Tell me what’s wrong. You’re worrying about something.”

“I just remembered that you have an appointment tomorrow.”

“Mhm, I know.”

“And I can’t take you.”

“Baby.” You smile at him. “It’s fine. You can’t be here all the time. And you asked Kiyoomi if he could drive me. I don’t even have to walk there.”

“Yeah, you better not! There’s ice on the streets, you could fall!”

You laugh. “You worry too much. I promise I won’t hold onto Kiyoomi’s hand while they take the bloodwork. You’re the only guy I want to hold onto when they put needles inside me.”

“You better!” He jokingly waves a finger at you.

“Are you really okay with me being away?” He asks when the laughter dies down. “You know I’d leave everything to be with you if you needed me.”

“I know. And I stand by my word. You are the best boyfriend I could ever wish for. You can’t stop the world from turning, baby. We might as well the ride.”

-

There are days when it’s hard for Komori to love you.

When all he wants to do is run, when he’s too worried, too far away to help.

But he did not become a pro athlete because it was convenient. 

And if he could make this dream happen against everything, he’ll make sure to love you - against everything.

My Kofi if you want to tip me

[wonderwhump]

Ok, I have to admit it. I’m a weird whump nerd, I read and write fanfiction, I enjoy all kinds of whump. Nothing new there. I know you are too 😁😈

Now I’m really sick (doc said most likely influenza, but I haven’t got the bloodwork back yet. He ruled out Covid, pneumonia and bronchitis)

Turns out I‘m even a sucker for my own suffering. Just for science. How does burning up feel? How does a 103,5 fever feel? How does the body go from shivers and chills to sweating my clothes dripping wet when I take a fever reducer? How does it feel to almost vomit from coughing violently? How does it feel to get up too fast and cough too hard so that you black out a second. How do wobbly legs and rapid pulse from high fever feel?

I don’t like being sick. I hate it. Of course! But since I‘m sick anyway, I can explore it, right. For science.

Is that fucked up?! 😂🫣

I‘ll try to sleep now. Cough depressant and Ibuprofen are in my system and I‘m in the sweating absurdly phase, which strangely enough lets me sleep. Depending on blood results they might put me on antibiotics tomorrow.

Have a good one, guys.

Talk to me! 😘

[boxerbeans]

TW: pet death

Hey guys. I know I don’t post very often. I don’t even know how to start this other than that Joe died unexpectedly this morning and it’s devastating.

My sister took him to the ER last night because he had a seizure then was acting lethargic/in pain/had pale gums. They had just thought it was a sprain but the vet did bloodwork and his RBCs were critically low. The vet told them it was either cancer or that he ingested something toxic, and knowing that Joe has pancreatitis and my sister and BIL watch his access to food like a hawk I had a feeling it was the former. They took him 2 internal med specialists before the vet said it was likely a tumor on his spleen that ruptured and my sister/BIL opted to not do a splenectomy. My sister was calling me the entire time and asking for advice and it just…sucked? To know what the answer likely would be but to know that they would want to truly know the cause (as would I, even knowing what the likely outcome would be regardless). Especially because my sister is 6 months along with their first and they were super excited to introduce Joe to the baby since he adores kids. And now he’s gone.

She’s been MIA for most of the day aside from announcing it to the family but I know she’s processing it - she sent a picture to us of shortly before/after he passed. I’m also in this weird spot where I’m grieving him too, I lived with him until he was like four and then I practically lived at my sister’s apartment with him for another year or two, plus of course I see him constantly because my sister is my best friend and he’s Taylor’s dad. I love him. I was his third favorite person, behind my sister and BIL of course. I literally just saw him on Saturday when we had a family day painting the nursery and he was acting completely normal including playing with Taylor and begging for human food. But also I’m the one having to explain to everyone about what exactly happened medically and helping them process that there was nothing to be done. The only one I’ve been able to grieve to is Ian which is…not fun. I’ve been barely holding it together at work.

I’m just so so worried about my sister. She’d have a hard time with this normally, much less with her being so excited for her baby boys to meet. And I want to make her feel better but it seems like she just wants space. I’m going to give them a few days then see if I can drop off eggs this weekend and go see them. I also know the next time she sees Taylor isn’t gonna be easy cause now she’s all that Liz has left of her two favorite dogs. We had even just been discussing how Joe was her heart dog.

And I’m also worried about Taylor. She’s officially the same age as her mom was when Sandy passed from kidney disease and she has about a year and a half to be Joe’s age. Luckily she hasn’t had any seizures, which both Joe and Sandy started having by this age. All her bloodwork values are good aside from a consistently elevated ALP that our normal vet thinks is just “her normal.” This has definitely cemented my desire to get Taylor’s liver checked by ultrasound before accepting that though. I really hope we don’t find anything and that the specialist isn’t worried. Even if we do find something “early” or if we do annual ultrasounds, if it’s the same cancer as Joe’s then it’s just a ticking time bomb that we can’t really do anything about. But of course she’s still a little hellion that doesn’t act like any nine-year-old dog I know.

At least Joe got to see everyone (minus Chief and Bandit) this last weekend. And he got to see Chief and Bandit the weekend before on Memorial Day. I just wish we’d known.

I’m not ready yet, I just want at least 3 more years with her.

[stevenbasic]

GITJ Post 319: Lunch with Abby

“So one of my girls, Lakshmi, tells me he’s all upset that I didn’t let him help me move,” said Melissa Monroe, Office Manager at what would soon no longer be a specialty geriatric medical practice on the city’s outskirts. She sounded a little frustrated. “You know I couldn’t, right? For, like, obvious reasons?”

“Yeah,” laughed Abby, her friend of several years and the sales rep/handler assigned to this project which - to an increasing number of people - was maybe becoming a little far-reaching, “Are they still mad about that? Your, uh…” Though increasingly bold these days, Abby still had to be a little concerned about prying ears. “…landlords?”

“Yeah sorta. My mom is too,” answered Melissa, spearing an artichoke heart from her plate of salad, “But she’s away for a while. I’ll deal with her when she gets back.” The two women were sharing lunch at a local restaurant that Thursday afternoon, and Melissa was glad she had Abby to talk to. Things had been a little funny with him these past couple of days, and it’d be nice to have a fresh perspective. Abby was a few years older, in her early thirties though she still looked so pretty, and Melissa had come to value her wisdom. Abby just seemed to…get her. Plus - she dressed so nice, so professional! Melissa always tooked to her as an example of how even a girl with a figure can dress for the corporate world. Abby was great. 

Knowing this about her ‘friend’, how Melissa respected her, made it a bit harder for Abby to say what she’d needed to say, and sometimes do what she needed to do. Melissa was a sweet girl, but she’d developed a little bit of a rebellious streak, and not everyone was happy with the way things were starting to proceed. Abby had, through this whole assignment, been tasked with keeping the course straight, the waters calm. “I also don’t know if it was a good idea,” she offered, choosing her words carefully, “You had everything you needed at your old place.”

“Yeah, I guess, I know. They’ve been so nice,” Melissa agreed, allowing that fact to her friend and doing her best to sound grateful, “I just wanted to be somewhere, even just for this little while, where I felt like I wasn’t being watched all the time.”

“I get that,” Abby conceded, forking a morsel of tortellini from her own plate. She understood it must be hard to be a girl in Melissa’s unique situation. But she also knew how they needed to keeps tabs on her, and him. “And it’ll be, what, a month or so before your mom gets back?”

“So I hear,” Melissa replied, “and by then the new places should be ready for us, if, like, all the construction keeps on schedule.” She bit her lower lip, took a moment as a waitress came by to refill her water glass. “But in the meantime it’s just that, well, when I want to be alone with him, I wanna be alone with him.”

After the waitress had left, Abby Solowicki smiled at her charge, knowing she needed to appear warm and supportive, “You really love him don’t you?” she asked. Of course she’d seen the reports, the EEGs, the bloodwork. There were quantifiers attributable to all this, and Melissa’s readings was off the charts.

“Omigod you have no idea,” gushed Melissa, immediately, a throb of wetness causing her to clamp her thighs tight, “I can’t…I can’t even describe it.”

This is what they hadn’t planned for, Abby surmised, watching the wave of emotions light Melissa’s face. She’s getting so caught up in this, much more than they thought she would. “I’m so happy for you guys,” she offered, smiling genially but knowing the answer to her next question before she asked it, “And he’s told you he feels the same way?”

Ugh, no. But the idea of it, imagining his quivering face looking up at her and professing his love made Melissa squirm again. “No…he hasn’t,” she breathed in exasperation, but able to actually hear his stammering little voice speaking those words: ILY. She wanted that so bad!! But…but…she understood, what he’s been going through.  “I’ve had guys tell me a lot of things,” she said to Abby, in explanation, “and I want him to…like…mean it, when he finally says it.”

Abby nodded.

Despite logic, despite the fact that it all made sense, him taking it slow, Melissa Monroe felt her blood start to simmer. She’d told him she loved him…why didn’t he feel the same?! Was there something wrong with her?!? Her friends were supportive, telling her that she was imagining it, his reticence and distance, but she’d definitely felt it this week. Had she gone a bit too far? Over the weekend, on Tuesday night? Been too much for him? Too aggressive? She knew he was fragile…

To Abby, to her friend, Melissa described her nights with him. How she’d manipulated him with her body, and with what she knew to be his weaknesses. She described her shows of physical strength. And then: “I was there, in his bed with him yesterday morning, and I just, y’know, with my perfumes. I pretended I was asleep but I  made him do…whatever I wanted. It just feels so good to play with him! But now maybe I feel a bit bad.”

“It’s okay. You’re just experimenting with your power,” Abby reassured her, knowing the course she had to take, “You’re growing, you’re growing stronger every day. It’s all so you can be better for him.”

Melissa nodded, taking a sip of her water and feeling acutely the weight of her chest, the musculature in her arms, back, shoulders. She could sense the ever-filling ocean of ultra-potent pheromones just barely held back by the floodgates under her skin, along with the hint of other budding abilities. She was becoming more powerful every day, and she knew it was true, she could feel it was true…it was all for him. The thought brought her a new wave of wetness, and she nearly sighed.

“Listen, Tits,” Abby began again, using the playful nickname she’d adopted for Melissa, “Men are all nervous, they have been for a while, but especially now after the election. They’ve been in denial but lots of them have seen it coming.” Abby, herself, had to control her voice and the excitement in it. “Imagine how he must feel, now. All that he’s lost, how he’s…like you said…getting smaller. He’s been surrounded by women all his life, and you’re surrounding him with even more, women who are bigger and stronger and smarter. Like all of them he’s worried about losing his rights, his independence. Don’t you think he’s nervous? That he’s scared? Maybe he sees his life slipping away and doesn’t know what the future is going to be.”

Oh godddddd, Melissa groaned, privately. Why was this so thrilling to her??

“So this is my advice,” Abby spoke, smiling seeing the effect she was having, “show him that you can be a comfort, that you can be protection for him now that things are changing. Did you watch the camera feed from his apartment last night, with him and that girl…what’s her name? Lilly?”

“Lakshmi,” Melissa answered, in correction, “No. I figured it was, like, a private moment for them.”

“Well I read the transcript, quick,” Abby explained, “He’s looking for it - comfort and protection. You’ve seen some of the notes on him, right? The history? He really wants a mother figure. And, jesus, Melissa…look at you.”

To that, Melissa blushed. It’s not that it was a surprise, the more…maternal aspects of her appearance being pointed out. She’d been called “mommy” by online admirers more times than she could count.

“I’d say soften up on him, calm his anxieties like only a woman can. It will get you what you want. If he’s scared, afraid that things are changing? Use that. He likes your boobs as much as you say? Great. You guys are supposed to be going out this weekend? Don't go out, stay in. Give him a night with your breasts.”

Melissa snorted. But then pictured it, how she could steer the evening, what she could wear. Omigod I could make him melt. “Like, a date with my boobs?”

“Haha sure a boob date,” Abby laughed, “that’s, like, every man’s dream, these days. He’s been nervous about you being strong with him, when you get excited? Show him how gentle you can be. You already take care of him in so many ways. Show him just how much of a mother figure you already are, and what things could be like.”

Melissa giggled, again, with the thought of it. She pictured herself in an apron, pumps and a beehive, pulling a tray of cookies from the oven. He was sat at the table like a little boy, a glass of milk - strike that, a bottle of milk - on his…haha omigod…high chair. 

“You know what I’m talking about, right?” Abby asked.

“Sure, yes, right,” Melissa answered, biting her lower lip in the arousal she was already feeling. Was it getting hot in here haha? “Lakshmi says he’s feeling a little ignored. I didn’t want that. I had just wanted to give him some space, let him process things, not freak him out by being too…me,” she continued, “but maybe…”

“I think what he wants is for you to be the most ‘you’ you can be,” Abby pressed, seeing how she could salvage this situation, “He doesn’t want to be ignored? You have a lot of love for him? Smother him with it. Drown him in comfort. Show him he’ll never be ignored again.”

“Oh wow, Abby,” Melissa breathed, fanning herself with her napkin, “I could drown him so good…”

“Yes you could,” Abby encouraged.

”And he likes me big, he wants me bigger, I can tell,” Melissa added, “And now…I want to do it for him. Grow. Grow more.”

“You know what they’re saying in the labs, right? About you?” Abby spoke, leaning in and dropping her voice, “You have the potential to grow much, much bigger.” This was starting to work out really, really well.

“Yes oh god yes Abby,” Melissa replied, caught up in the plans, “He’s nervous, about the changes? I can show him that he needs protection. I can show him how nice it could be for him with women in charge.”

“You’re so sweet and caring…”

“I can be sweet and caring. I can be kind, gentle, considerate…”

“Yes,” Abby continued, “You’ve already proven you’re big. You’ve proven you can physically dominate him so easily. But looking after him, protecting him, caring for him? That’s what he needs right now. That's something you must constantly show.”

Melissa forked forcefully into an olive, a slice of pepper, and thought back to gentle moments with him, how hard and quivery she’d made him. “He likes it when I´m kind…very much…” She then thought to herself, as she imagined his face: You like it kind? Then I´ll give you kind. She chuckled to herself, finding how aggressive she’d become with her salad. “I want to be a comfort to him, I do,” she said, “but I think he kinda likes it both ways.”

“Sure sure,” Abby encouraged, “men can be funny like that. We’ve all got to realize that the old stereotypes are breaking down, roles are reversing. Men now like us to show them the rough, take-charge lovemaking. They want to be dominated, they want us to toss them around like rag dolls. Men are at the gym less, women more. Secretly they want to be, like, brutalized, made to feel small and weak and terrified of us. But then, they’re needy and - you’re right - then they want us as Mommy to comfort them.”

“Oh godddd Abby,” Melissa laughed, “stop you’re going to make me burst. I just want to boink him.”

“Haha nothing wrong with that,” Abby replied with a glimmer in her eyes, “When you’re in a relationship it’s just important to understand the other persons feelings. He’s like all men these days. What he really wants and needs is a mommy girlfriend.”

She knew this. 

“He needs the comfort, the protection. But also the guidance, the discipline. He needs someone to tell him what to do, reward him when he does what you want, and sometimes punish him when he disappoints you.” 

Abby watched her friend nodding, absorbing her advice, and continued. “I do it with the guy I’m dating, ” Abby said to Melissa, “Like, when we’re alone, just at home, I make sure to praise the little things he does, cleaning up after himself, wearing an outfit I like. It makes him feel good and it helps, it helps solidify our roles.”

“Jay does like that sort of thing too…” Melissa offered, nodding. 

“And I make sure he feels dependent on me, too,” Abby continued, deciding to allow herself another slice of the bread on the table, “Like, I make more money then him, and I want him to know it. When we go out in public, for example. Usually, I’ll either pay for whatever we plan on spending money on that day or make him pay for his stuff with my money if we are buying little things for him.”

“ooo yes I can do that!” Melissa giggled, remembering how good it felt to pay for his dinner. 

“For instance, a shirt that we just bought for him. We were at Hera’s. He carried it all around the store and all the way up to the register. I let him do that all by himself,” Abby began, “When we went to check out, I opened my purse and handed him my card, the cashier standing right in front of us, people watching. That part’s really

important, that he knows others are seeing it happen.”

“Was he embarrassed?” Melissa asked, feeling like she should be taking notes. 

“A little. But I talked him through it, how to slide the card into the machine. And I signed for it of course, telling him he’d done a good job. He liked that.”

Melissa giggled. She hadn’t met Abby’s new boyfriend yet but he sounded like a keeper. 

“And so,” Abby continued, shifting herself in her seat on the leather bench, “it all looks innocent enough to the person behind the register, the other people in the store, but him just knowing what was going to take place with that shirt and having to buy it with mommy’s money was really powerful. It’s just little things like that.”

“God I want to drive back to the office and take him shopping with me right now,” Melissa laughed. 

“Haha yeah I loved every minute of it,” Abby conceded, “and I think he did too.” At that, she leaned in, over her plate of chilled pasta and crusty bread, to commiserate with her asset. On cue, Melissa leaned in too. “And then, in the parking lot, after getting him seated, fastening his seatbelt for him, I gave him a quickie.”

“A handjob?” Melissa laughed, catching herself snorting too loudly. 

“Yeah a little reward, for being so good,” Abby smiled, leaning back again with a satisfied smile, “just like you’re going to reward him, this weekend, for doing everything mommy says…”

===============================

yes I have one

[rookitowrites]

Healthcare Woes

I feel like I’m dying. The doctor gives me the same look as their colleagues. They have heard it again and again.  From the guy in the next room over. From all the patients they’ve seen today.  From me, what feels like a dozen times.  

I am not the outlier here - curled up, face hidden to stop my crying I am fine, I am fine, I am fine. The doctor says it so it must be true. They say, ‘you’re too young to hurt like this’ So it must not be real.

This agony, it tears holes into my skin with the seventh IV this week With the pain meds that make me feel sicker, that do not stop the seizures Seizures, no. They do not call them that.  They call them ‘involuntary movements’.  But my brain is going haywire. It is on fire. Fever of 101 degrees.  The doctors do nothing.  I am fine, I am fine, I am fine. 

‘Your bloodwork is normal’.  Fuck my bloodwork, are you even listening to me?

I feel like my organs are failing. Head full of cotton, abdomen screaming Covered in bruises that should not have happened so easily  There's more blood in my vomit than in your test tube. I know my vital signs are good But treat your patient, not the monitor. Isn’t that what they tell us?

I used to be one of you. Now it seems like it does not matter, I am just a number Another body to judge If I lose weight will it stop this? The doctors seem to think so.  I’m not so sure. 

I don’t really have anything to lose In fact the weight keeps going  And I don’t where it goes  And I’m getting worse.�� I am fine, I am fine, I am fine.

But I think I’m dying.

[jerzwriter]

A New Chapter

Book: Open Heart (Book 2)

Characters: Tobias Carrick, Casey MacTavish (F!MC)

Rating: Teen

Warnings: Very minor talk of hospitals, serious illness

Words: 1,500

Summary: They met. They fell hard. He screwed it up. But when a crisis hit, he rose to the occasion; but where does that leave them? When the doctor goes to visit his patient, he finds out.

A/N: This is technically the first part of the "From Here to There" anthology I'm working on to bridge how Tobias & Casey went from broken up to friends to so much more. I've told you guys the future, but I've never shown you how. This is me fixing that. :)

Tobias shifted uncomfortably, mumbling something about the chairs being far more comfortable at Kenmore. He arrived at Edenbrook a little over an hour via the staff entrance. And why wouldn’t he? He wasn’t a visitor but a doctor there in an official capacity. At least that’s what he told himself and anyone else, regardless of whether they asked. Just checking in on a patient he helped save two days before. The excuse was so flimsy he didn’t even believe it himself. And if the stuffed animal under his arm didn’t give him away, the fact that he had no interest in seeing Raf, the other person he helped save two days ago, made Tobias’s intentions pretty clear.  

A couple of nurses stopped in, Ethan and Sienna, too. All offered to tell Casey he passed by and, in their own way, encouraged him to go home and rest. But his schedule was clear, and his mind made. He was staying until she woke. As the clock ticked away, he wondered if this was selfish. Sure, they shared some kind words during that dreadful ordeal, and she had thanked him profusely after an antidote was found. Still, given their history, he knew he might be the last person she wanted to see. 

That’s why he stayed away until now. Casey had family and friends who had far more right to be at her side. He’d only be in her way. A reminder of things she’d rather forget. Perhaps she’d even blame him for everything that occurred. Heaven knows he did as he lay awake in bed since the night of the attack. But after two days, he couldn’t stay away any longer. This woman had consumed his mind and soul from the day they met. Bewitched, that’s what he thought it was; no one ever had that effect on him before. But with everything he was forced to face this week, he had to admit it to himself. His mind and soul weren’t the only things she had stolen. She also had his heart.

Still, he was there without expectations. He only wanted to talk to her, to reassure himself that she was all right. If she woke up and ordered him out, he promised himself he’d leave without incident and never bother her again. But how he hoped it wouldn’t go that way.

He sat at attention, perched on the end of that damn chair, when Casey began to stir. That’s when it dawned on him... he had no idea what he was going to say. So he waited patiently until she opened her eyes. 

“To.. Tobias?” she asked groggily, flinching with discomfort as she tried to sit up.

“Yes,” he jumped to his feet. “Don’t get up; you can stay lying down.”  

“No,” she insisted. “I want to sit up for a bit... I didn’t fight to stay alive to lay on my back and sleep all day.”

He helped adjust her bed into an upright position and got an extra pillow from the closet to help support her head.

“There,” she sighed with relief. “That’s perfect.”

“How are you feeling? I looked over your chart... are you still getting headaches?”

“It’s never gone away, but it’s getting better every day.”

“Good,” he replied nervously. “I.. I also looked at your bloodwork. It’s unbelievable, really... better than any of us anticipated....”

“I know. They may even kick me out of this joint tomorrow.”

“How do you feel about that?”

She shrugged her shoulders, face devoid of expression. “I don’t know. But if I say I’m not ready, Ethan will move heaven and earth to make sure I stay.”

He knew it was foolish to feel a twinge of jealousy when Casey said Ethan’s name. He was in her past as much as Tobias himself. And the two rivals had buried the hatchet the other night. But Tobias knew he might not be the only fool who had come to his senses when faced with the prospect of losing her. Perhaps they...

“So he’s taking good care of you, then?” The words escaped without permission.

“He is. Him and everyone else. It’s amazing, but if you nearly die, suddenly everyone gives you the royal treatment,” she half smiled. “Is that why you’re here, too?”

“No..” he stuttered. “I..uh.. uh... I came to check on you... you know, in a medical capacity, because...” he stopped when he caught her grinning at him. “What?”

“Do you always carry a neon dinosaur under your arm when you’re visiting patients... in a professional capacity?”

He was caught.

“Sure,” he smirked. “It’s kind of my thing. I’m known for it.”

He pulled his chair slightly closer and handed the stuffed animal to Casey.

“But, I think he’s a little offended because he’s a rhinoceros, not a dinosaur.”

“A rhinoceros?” she chuckled.

“Yeah, the Edenbrook gift shop is seriously lacking. I was hoping for something cuter... but my choices were the rhino or a stingray... I thought the rhino was better, given my options.”

“Well, I think he’s plenty cute,” Casey replied as she played with her gift. “I’ve always wanted a neon purple rhinoceros.”

“Oh, really?”

“Really,” she grinned with a tiny wince. “It’s been on my Christmas list for years.”

“Well, maybe Santa dropped a clue. We’re tight, you know.”

“Of course you are! He has to consult with you to see who’s been naughty in the greater Boston area. At least that’s the rumor.”

“Yeah,” Tobias replied, his enthusiasm diminished. “That is what most people think of me.”

Casey was about to reply when a nurse entered the room. After taking her vitals, she asked if she’d like assistance taking a shower.

“Oh, I would love that!” Casey enthused. “Could you come back in maybe fifteen minutes?”

“Of course,” the nurse smiled, flashing Tobias a sharp look. He looked down at the floor, wondering how much his reputation preceded him.

“Well, I won’t keep you,” he mumbled. “But, since the rhino blew my cover... I didn’t come here professionally.”

“No kidding?” Casey smirked.

“I just... I needed to see you were doing better with my own eyes. And I wanted to tell you again how sorry I am for everything. So, I really appreciate that you didn’t call security the second you opened your eyes.”

“Well, that would be mighty rude of me, considering Raf and I might not be here right now if not for you.”

Tobias smiled tenderly and quickly fought the visceral reflex to take her hand in his.

“I would have helped anyone, Casey. But I worked extra hard because it was you.”

Casey looked down at the rhinoceros sitting on her lap, anxiously twirling his purple fur between her fingers. Tobias spoke quickly in an attempt to put her at ease.

“Now, don’t feel like you’re obligated. I know you didn’t exactly want me around before this all happened, and, well... I know that may not have changed. I just want you to know I’m happy you’re doing better... I'm so happy you're here. I’m going to head out, but if you ever want to report anyone to Santa, you know who to call.”

“Tobias, wait...” Casey called after him, patting a spot beside her on the bed. “That sounded like a goodbye, and after all I’ve been through the past couple of days, I realize just how much I don’t want any more of those. I’m not saying you and I... that we...” she motioned between them, unsure of exactly what to say.

“Casey,” Tobias smiled. “I never expected that we’d...” he said, copying her actions.

“I’m not in a place to deal with anything like that... not with you or anyone else. But I wouldn’t mind if you checked in on me every now and then. And if it’s OK with you, maybe I could bug you sometimes.”

“You would never bug me.”

“I’ll remind you of that,” she grinned.

“Casey MacTavish, are we becoming friends?”

“Yeah,” she smiled, taking his hand. “I guess we are.”

“I like that,” he whispered. “So as your newest friend... remember, I’m a phone call away if you need me. Even if it’s just to help name your new purple rhino.”

“Well, I’m sure I’ll need help with that. Thank you, Tobias, for everything.”

“You got it, kid,” he smiled, exiting her room as the nurse returned.

Thoughts raced in his mind as he approached the elevator; still, he hadn’t felt this at peace in some time. Casey MacTavish was now his friend. Although she meant much more to him, he had no illusions... But she didn’t toss him away; he’d still get to care for her, to hear her laugh, and his name would be on her lips without a curse preceding it. Casey was his friend. The elevator door opened, and he stepped inside with a smile. Life doesn’t always have perfect endings, but sometimes, they're good enough. And right now, he was grateful for the new chapter that was beginning.

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics @choicesmonthlychallenge - National Friendship Day - let's go with that :)

[genderqueerdykes]

Hey! Sorry if this is too invasive or rude, I certainly don’t intend it. However I am rather ignorant on this point.

I’ve seen a lot of people (from regular folk to actual doctors and endocrinologists) online saying that there’s a load of variations on intersex. One of them being hormonal. I’m a trans guy, it’s how I’ve ID’d for over a decade and I’m pre-T. I had some blood tests done and it turns out my natural testosterone levels are in the average to high range of a healthy cis male my age. And besides some rather enlarged bottom stuff and facial hair, thats it. I was still assigned female at birth. I’m still gonna keep identifying myself as male, but I was just curious - in situations like that, can a person *really* be intersex? I saw a doc saying so but unfortunately I’m a sceptical bastard and thought I’d ask someone who actually IS intersex.

Sorry for the rambling. Again, I mean no offense nor do I wanna start anything; I was genuinely just curious about that aspect since, according to some folk *I* am intersex(?). Also, I wanna be a better ally and, therefore, better educated on the topic. Have a lovely day and thanks for all you do on here!!

hey there! i think i get what you're saying

honestly i am not sure why there is a sentiment that there is any kind of difference between hormonal and "biological" intersex variations, because it doesn't make any sense. hormonal variations would naturally fall under a "biological" intersex variation, as sex organs are involved in the production of sex hormones, and all of this is biology.

even if some folks do not have "abnormal" hormones for their agab and only have variations in their genitals, this does not make them "more" intersex than someone who just has a hormonal variation. we are all intersex, there's no line in the sand to be drawn, there's a very wide gradient of conditions and variations that can be present independently of or alongside one another and there's no reason to pit them against each other

i would definitely say it sounds like you would fall into intersex territory, or at least, very well possibly could. it sounds like you are possibly dealing with hyperandrogenism or something similar, at the very least, which is "abnormally" high production of androgens for your agab. whether or not it's paired with anything else, that is technically considered an intersex condition/variation on its own, especially if it is affecting your primary and secondary sex characteristics. natural bottom growth is definitely a big indicator

whether or not you choose to identify as intersex is up to you, it's not necessary or required, you are the judge at the end of the day. if you don't feel intersex and you feel like this has all just made you a man, then you can identify that way, it's up to you! it definitely sounds like you do fall into intersex territory, but it's ultimately up to you to decide, especially considering you have seen the results from your bloodwork. take care, good luck, let us know if you find anything else out

[thisnevermeantnothingtoyou]

What’s Wrong With New York? The Dare, 2024

Open Up - 2:41 This is a fucking amazing album opener, high energy, shouty bits, cheeky lyrics & a nice flow. It feels fun & it is fun, I love fun music. “I know it might be hard to swallow. But it’s much better if you get a taste”

Good Time - 2:13 This has been out so no new thoughts. It’s just a broke horny song… I like it. It’s fun, but it’s not a fave lyrically but I’m not gonna turn it off.

Perfume - 2:27 This song is so stupid and fun & nonsensical, & horny but polite about it? Ya know? “They say it’s only for girls but they’re too scared to try”

Girls - 2:00 Open Up is the best album opener but Girls is the BEST debut single. It’s cheeky, upbeat, establishes his voice & style, it goes hard. “They say I’m too fucking horny, wanna put me in a cage, I’d probably fuck the hole in the wall the guy before made”

I Destroyed Disco - 2:22 Oh now this I love, it’s self aggrandizing to an almost unbearable degree it’s so cunty about it, the breakdown is so good I am forgiving it for the lack of third verse or chorus lol “what’s a blogger to a rocker? What’s a rocker to The Dare?”

You’re Invited - 2:32 This is more nonsensical than Good Time… but I do like it more so? “It might get violent, dance to the sirens”

All Night - 3:53 Borderline tender horny one night stand anthem? Okay! This song is nearly four minutes and it does feel a lot longer than the other so he in the album but it works, both because… song is good but also adds to the “all night”ness of it all. I love the chorus! “if your feeling scared, know they are only tears, you will be alright we can feel alive all night”

Elevation - 3:57 Oh this is… wow. Fucking he’ll so much for thinking this was gonna be happy songs only. I love how intense and mossy the song feels while retaining the same sonic feel of the album. “I still believe and I still care” is a raw fucking line.

Movement - 2:31 Harrison you’re stretching the “accent” a bit much, & I think this verges on too 80s… but… I do like it. Also that’s not a chorus but I forgive you. I think this would work better as an instrumental “I don’t wanna die I just need some rest” same.

You Can Never Go Home - 2:48 This is the perfect closing track my god. It pulls the more emotional and vulnerable sides from All Night and Elevation with the forget & be happy from Good Time and You’re Invited “You can never go home”

Now that I’ve heard the record I can understand why Sex didn’t make the cuts but I do still love it & forgotten child bloodwork. Normally I’d do a top 5 of songs that are newly released but uh… there’s a total of six so bye bye movement :/ but here’s my top 3! I Destroyed Disco, Open Up & You Can Never Go Home. This entire album was a trip & I love it, defo getting added to my roster of “I’m in the mood to listen to an album” albums. It’s a full complete work that I think is going to stick around my playlists for a while.

[crippleprophet]

so im going to the doctor in 2 days (i go on the 30th and im writing this on the 28th) and im physically disabled, and this is the first time ive gone to the doctor since late 2019 when i caught covid, and the doctor im going to is our old pcp's son, and our old pcp constantly brushed my dad off and i have all the same stuff as him and m o r e, so i need advice on how to not get brushed off since im 14 and my dads side has a past of drug seeking and shit. ive already made a list of all my symptoms but other than that i straight up dont know what to do

oh, god, i’m so sorry. my medical neglect journey started at 16 (aside from psychiatrization starting at 14) & i had no language for what i was going through so this ask really makes my heart ache, for you & my past self. on the one hand, you knowing to expect & prepare for this kind of shit puts you leagues ahead of where i was at your age; on the other, no amount of understanding the systemic ableism behind your pcp’s behavior will erase the pain & trauma of not being believed.

here’s some general appointment prep i do + other advice, as always with the caveat that i am Just Some Guy on the internet & you know your circumstances best:

think about the narrative you want to craft. i’ve got a primer on how to lie to doctors if that’s the route you want to take. try to group things by category (autoimmune symptoms together, neurological symptoms at a separate point in the conversation, etc) without saying that that’s what you’re doing to like set up the paint by numbers for him & hope he picks up the brush.

in that vein, lead with the symptom you want to prioritize. doctors are trained to build a diagnosis around the “chief complaint,” so burying the lede—or even listing it second—is more likely to get those symptoms ignored.

in addition to listing symptoms themselves: when they started, frequency/duration, intensity, how it impacts your daily life. framing things through the lens of “i want to be a good little normative student but X keeps making it difficult to do Y” usually goes over better.

if a supportive adult will be with you, talk to them about what you���re going to say & at what point you’d theoretically want them to intervene / push back against the doctor’s response, & how so.

determine your goals for the appointment. do you want a referral to a particular specialist? certain testing to be done? a prescription for a particular medication? the more you’ve thought about what you want out of it, the easier it is to advocate for that outcome.

ask leading questions, invoke other authorities, & act like you don’t know shit. for example, if i was trying to get bloodwork of an ANA panel from my rheumatologist, i’d be like, “my pcp was really concerned about this face rash that i’ve been having along with my joint pain, he said there’s some sort of blood test to check if it’s, like, lupus or something?”

do your research, but never ever mention that you have. if you’ll have an adult with you & this would be a safe conversation to have / they’d listen to you, it’s worth mentioning to them that a lot of doctors get dismissive when patients mention having googled symptoms.

this post on finding + navigating specialists might be relevant, especially if you want to get a referral or try to find a new pcp (obv decisions affected by insurance or lack thereof, whether your parents are supportive, etc)

i’ve also got this post about coping with medical neglect & trauma if you want to plan for / set up any of those coping mechanisms in advance.

i really want you to know that no matter how your appointment goes, your disabilities & symptoms are real, & you deserve quality, compassionate, comprehensive healthcare. unfortunately, under an ableist healthcare system it’s impossible to earn our way out of medical neglect—fucking tragically, doing everything “right” at an appointment doesn’t mean we’ll get taken seriously—& equally, folks who don’t know or bother to play this bullshit game are still just as deserving of care & shouldn’t be victim-blamed for neglect they’ve experienced.

i hope some of this is helpful! feel free to send a follow-up ask if there’s any other info or support i can provide. i’ll be thinking about you on the 30th & hope things go as well as possible 💓💓

[somelonelywordmonger]

I have no idea if I will be able to be able to relay all I am experiencing adequately, but here goes nothing. At any rate, I’m better at writing after putting thought into my words. TLDR is at the bottom, but I appreciate anyone who reads through this whole thing. But I understand skipping to the bottom or just skipping me altogether.

Tomorrow, I will see this rheumatologist who I started seeing this year. I got the blood work done for her again. I don’t know how many times I’ve had my blood drawn this year, but the lady who gave me my CT Scan with Contrast back around (May??) said my left arm was tough to find a vein in because the skin was getting tougher and the veins were showing signs of hardening with like scar tissue. But I think she was just struggling, tbh, because the guy I go to for my bloodwork, who practically knows me at this point, can get the vein on the first go with minimal bruising (usually.) I didn’t bruise this time too badly, anyway. So once again, another complete metabolic panel, and for the 50th time this year (a bit of an exaggeration, but every blood test has this one, and I’ve had my blood drawn a lot this year), I had C-Reactive Protein tested, too. Sedimentation Rate made a reappearance and is now being monitored with the C-reactive protein (I guess.) The SedRate was high in Spring/Early Summer but has since normalized. Unfortunately, the C-reactive protein has remained high and has left the 30s. Congrats to me! C-Reactive Protein is 44-49 (I had another recent blood draw from my primary doctor, which was 49 then.)

Anyway, let’s quickly break down my blood results, which, according to Labcorp, are abnormal.

The first runner-up is RBC or Red Blood Cells. Technically, this is normal at 5.26 x10E6/uL but becomes moderately high at 5.29, so I feel I am pushing it. However, the good news is that hemoglobin is normal on the lower end of the halfway marker for the normal range, and Hematocrit is on the higher end for Normal. So this probably won’t mean anything to my doctors, who have yet to figure out why my C-reactive protein is high and going up with my symptoms worsening. There has been no real concern about diagnosing me or no big rush, anyway, and no treatment, of course, because how could there be any treatment with no diagnosis? So let’s just keep ordering the ambiguous CRP test and see where that gets us, right? (Sarcasm.) 

Anyway, the next one that caught my attention: MCH is low at 24.7. Otherwise known as the average amount of hemoglobin found in the red blood cells in the body. This is not unusual for me, actually. My MCH and MCHC seem to like these low values. What I find strange is that they like these low values while my ferritin and hemoglobin tango in the realm of “normal.” MCHC, btw, is at 30.2 and is the average weight of hemoglobin based on the volume of red blood cells. A low MCHC value may be a sign of anemia or other conditions. 

Ready for the next confusing thing concerning my red blood cells? My RDW is moderately high at 15.6, which isn’t unusual either, technically, since with these blood tests over the past five years, it has been staying around there. (Although so have my symptoms, albeit a milder form of them that wasn’t debilitating.) The RDW test measures the variation of size and volume of the body's red blood cells. Typically, red blood cells are relatively equal in shape and size - however, red blood cells can have a distorted shape or be smaller or larger than normal due to some health conditions and diseases. Low RDW values generally do not have clinical significance. Other than that, things were fine. However, some of the tests for liver function, damage, and disease are showing that I am starting to trend up. In other words, I am working my way toward liver damage or something with the gallbladder or kidneys. But it was no surprise since the CT scan revealed evidence of fatty tissue on my liver. But I’ll see a new primary doctor at the end of the month and await the dismissal of everything I am experiencing in favor of “Have you just tried losing weight? Or how about we staple your stomach at a young age even though eating isn’t your problem?” I’m not holding out hope for this new resident. The old one wasn’t very helpful, nor was the one before that. And on it goes. I am in my mid-twenties and can’t keep up with those my age because I am so sick. But sure, it is all the fat. Never mind the fact that the weight came after the symptoms started. I was always plus size, but I miss being XL. I want to be XL plus size again. I want to be able to live ffs. Let me be 100% clear: I am not fat-shaming or saying people larger than XL can’t live a normal life. They can. There are plenty of people larger than me who can outpace me. It’s just I have body image issues, and the weight is a detriment to me getting doctors to fucking listen. Or wear certain graphic tees that don’t run in my size. But, ya know, choose your battles or whatever.

And that’s why I’m screaming into this void. Because I want to live, but my body doesn’t, and it is absolute bullshit. It is such a sick fucking joke that growing up, I dealt with depression, no support for my autism, trauma, bullying, and wanting to die. And then, I get all healed and better. I have a will to live; I work on improving myself and growing. I want to go out in the world and contribute. But then my body becomes a new prison, and this time, I am absolutely held against my will because I can’t do anything to fix it! I don’t know why my abdomen is having digestion issues, cramping, bloating, and tenderness. I don’t know why I am dealing with costochondritis again and feeling my ribs in my body because I can feel the sting and the stab of the inflamed cartilage. I don’t know why my left leg is larger than my right. I don’t know why my neck and shoulders or my knees hurt. I don’t know why I am so unbelievably fatigued and why I also have a general feeling of just being ill. I don’t know why it hurts when someone applies the faintest pressure anywhere on my body. I don’t know why lying down to sleep, especially on my left side, makes my vagus nerve act like a little bitch so that I think I’m about to throw up right when I am almost asleep, and then I have to breathe calmly to calm it down as I feel the tingles of the nerves go down each arm. I can’t even walk for long without pain, my hip clicking, and the sickness in my gut reaching such an unbearable point of discomfort. Not to mention the costochondritis is making it really fucking hard to walk right now.

Because of all that is going on with my gut, vagus nerve, fatigue, and total body tenderness and aching, the last thing I needed was my rib cage to protest being a part of this body. I actually don’t eat that much now. I’ve always been a grazer. Lately, however, my grazing foods have also made me feel sicker. Eating makes me feel sicker. Water makes me feel sicker! My gut absolutely wants no part in what helps it to do its job. Which is, you know, FUCKING FOOD. I recently went on a trip to North Carolina and couldn’t do all the things I wanted to do because I was so ill.

So, let’s summarize what all this means. The TL;DR: I can’t fucking eat. I can’t fucking sleep. I can’t fucking breathe. I can’t fucking move. I can’t live my life to the fullest or go and do things I want to do because all the shitty and chronic sensations are building up and taking their toll. I can’t even get upset or excited or jump up and down, scream, or cry. That would make everything flare up. I think about killing myself several times a week despite not actually wanting to die. (So I have high doubts I will act on it, but at the rate my body is falling apart, I don’t know if I can say the same for it.) And doctors have no fucking idea what is going on, and I am so sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED.

Really feeling Geralt's rage here. Need me a magic cure, man, because I cannot keep going on with this shit.

[starjxsung]

hi angel <3 how are you doing? when are you seeing ateez? i’m so excited for you :’)

i still haven’t heard anything back from my practicum so im stressin (: but trying not to die of anxiety bc idgaf if i keep studying in this uni tbh but we persist. i’m so ready for lolla and forgetting my problems for a sec.

thank you for sending love☹️ she passed away post op because she was too weak, it breaks my heart so much </3 they did do the bloodwork beforehand but it wasn’t included in the receipt bc i got all karen when they called us. the vet was still kinda sketchy and def isn’t really good at talking with ppl. but they were nice enough. i just wish they would’ve communicated the risks a little better </3 but im just glad she isn’t in pain anymore.

i don’t have a record player that works either lol. i just love vinyls bc they’re so pretty. i really really want indigo but everywhere ive seen it it’s so expensive😭 i had never seen any shinee ones so now i need one too😭😭 mine is so pretty tho! i don’t have pics of the disc in itself but it’s white and so cool. but i do have my pulls✨ the poster is huge and so cool too. it’s on sale @ amazon super cheap.

manifesting hello kitty woo & hongjoong forever✨ i love you sm bb! i hope everything is going well! and just in case you see ateez b4 you see this message, i hope you have the best time!! yeosan pics are always welcome and appreciated✨

(also how are u feeling after seeing jisung’s fits this weekend? he looked so good😭)

love,

🐈‍⬛

BAEEEEEEE I see Ateez today I’m so excited !! 👼🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶 Hongjoong my rockstar bf (Hanji is my other one) it’s been over a year since I’ve been to a proper kpop concert that wasn’t a festival or solo show I am so fucking hyped RAHHHHH I promise to get as many Yeosang pics as physically possible 🙂‍↕️

I’m so sorry you haven’t heard from your practicum site yet :((( I can’t believe these places are able to get away with being this disorganized. My sister hasn’t heard from hers either and they still haven’t sent her new laptop she’s supposed to use in her first training next week so she’s also trying not to stress bc there’s literally nothing she can do ☹️ fuckkkkk these places for wasting time the way that they do

I’m so sorry to hear that she passed :((( I’m glad she’s not in pain anymore but I still can’t help but feel like it was partially their fault this happened in the first place :( how is your boyfriend coping with all of it? Sending you guys all my love and healing vibes and I hope your kitties are comforting you guys during this tough time :( it’s just been such a rough month.

AAAAA in better news the Ateez vinyl is SO cute?????? Neeeeeed 😭🫶 indigo was super expensive (I think like $60-70) but I saw it randomly in stock at target and I couldn’t resist 😭 my dad has a working record player I might just steal from him bc I don’t feel like shelling the money out for another but I want to play my vinyl at some point. Ohhh to have parents you can steal from 🫶😋

I love you so so much bby I can’t wait to tell you all about both my Ateez shows !!!!

Also Jisung’s outfits this weekend……. 😦 my sister said if she had one wish in the world it’d be to never hear my horny thoughts about Jisung ever again. And I think that perfectly describes how bad I was thirsting over him all week. I hate children but I would bear a whole CHILD for this man……. 🧎‍♀️‍➡️

ALSO DID YOU HEAR ABOUT TAEMIN TOUR….. genuinely tweaking rn. I can’t ❤️🧍‍♀️

[otter1962crystalball]

Hope

June 10, 2024

Happy Pride on this tenth day of Pride Month. I’m still wading through the long list of things about which I could write. Today, it is about losing hope, what it felt like and how I broke loose from old ideas and found hope.

In the mid 1980’s having HIV in your blood meant that you would most likely die. It was plastered all over the news and bathroom stalls: GAY = Got Aids Yet? Religious people were having a field day with how homosexuals had brought this on themselves. For the average gay, if you were negative, life went on as usually - safe sex for the most part. I can remember one publicity presented to the gay community where condoms were to be worn 100% of the time for all sex. I can even remember a demo put out by the local AIDS organization where even being able to open mouth kiss was suggested as unsafe.

All of this was devastating for me. As I wrote before, when I found out, I went into a deep depression. I don’t recall too much about the few weeks after finding out. Having an appointment for a physical due to HIV comes to mind.

In those early days, doctors knew virtually nothing about HIV. The doctor I had examined me, virtually naked. I had some tearing of the skin around my asshole. I can remember him examining it and then calling in a bunch of student doctors to gawk at my backside - without my permission. I lost hope at that moment because I had suddenly become like a corpse to be examined without discretion. I was humiliated. I can also remember the first bloodwork I had after seroconverting. They took 15 vials of blood as my partner, “Joe” stood by with a very concerned look on his face. There was no good news. All they could do was to offer me a conversation with a social worker. She didn’t know anything more than anyone else. To be honest, I can’t even remember what we talked about - it all seemed pointless to me.

Sure, there were some brighter points - where Joe pushed me to go to AIDS Calgary. There, I met other guys like me who seemed to be doing okay. It really cut down on the isolation. I remember the conversations about getting our lives in order because we were probably going to die. I was just getting comfortable the weekly meetings at AIDS Calgary when the move to Toronto occurred that I mentioned in my previous blogs.  I did connect with The AIDS Committee of Toronto and PWA (Persons With AIDS).

During all of this time, I was dealing with the loss of my relationship, loss of my job, house and virtually everything I owned. I did end up getting a subsidized contract working for a Safer Sex division of the AIDS Committee of Toronto and a later contract to work in the education department. During all of that time, my mind was all over the place and I can truly say there were times when I really wasn’t sane. My emotions were all over the place and I made a lot of peoples’ lives difficult. In fact, when I look back on that time of no hope, I still feel tinges of shame for some of the things I did - especially how well I played the victim.

I was constantly plagued with the question of why I still survived several years after my diagnosis. Many men that I knew in Calgary and Toronto had died. If I had had a black book, it would have been virtually filled with crossed off names and phone numbers. Why was I surviving when so many were not?

When my contracts were up, I went on welfare. There was not enough money to pay rent, so welfare put me in a subsidized apartment building filled with seniors and people on disability. It wasn’t a bad apartment, but the people in the building seemed to question why a guy like me was living there. I felt just as much an outcast there as I did everywhere else. My days became empty and the only thing I had to look forward to was walking Bailey, my Golden Retriever that came with me from Calgary. Joe had let me keep her. Here’s when my life went as low as it could. The following is from another blog that I’ve written:

“What made the situation so awful, was that a little bit of hope had appeared to me and then was quickly yanked away, leaving me dead inside. I can remember walking away from the YMCA through the alleyways of downtown Toronto, heading to the subway to go home.  In a back alley, I saw a starling limping on a broken leg along with a broken wing. It was rummaging around in the garbage as best it could to find food. I felt so awful for that pitiful bird that I immediately drew a parallel between the bird and myself. I was just as pitiful and neither of us would last much longer. We were both goners.  I cried alone for an hour, in that back alley strewn with garbage, urine, and the wounded bird.

Life continued on in a fog for me and the days merged into each other into a long series of almost hopeless days. My only light was my workout at the Y and the classes that I attended as long as my AZT (old AIDS medication) didn’t make me sick.”

I did get to train to become a volunteer at the Downtown Toronto YMCA. Hope was starting to return. Teaching aerobics classes gave me a purpose and things began to turn. Hope was returning. Life might go on…

For Pride this year, I am celebrating hope. There were times when I lost it and thought it would never come again. Hope never left me - I just gave up on it. 

Carpe diem, everyone.

[substituted-shinigami]

Learning to Breathe

(aka Please Remember To Put On Your Oxygen Mask Before Assisting Others)

Characters: Rukia, Renji, Byakuya, and some Fourth Division OCs, (RenRuki)

Genre: Hurt/Comfort, some Angst, some Humor, Family

Rated: T (for mentions of medical tools such as needles and depictions of anxiety, but nothing is graphic or even really overly described. This story is more about the emotions than the medical drama)

Story Summary: Turns out purple eyes and short stature aren’t the only things that run in Hisana’s family, illness does as well. As Rukia and Renji try to help each other navigate through this new storm in their lives, will they remember to take time to breathe? (Rukia gets the same disease that killed Hisana (Bloodlines AU), Post TYBW, Post renruki engagement)

Click the link to read below or click here to read the story on AO3!

(5/7)

Chapter 4: Hurricane Inbound

AO3 chapter link

Chapter Summary: Attention passengers, the major turbulence you are now experiencing is due to the worsening of the weather. Therefore, there might be some ‘minor technical difficulties’ when we attempt to land at our destination. We apologize for this slight inconvenience. (The chapter in which Rukia and Renji are greatly inconvenienced.)

“W-Wait!” The teen stammered with increasing levels of anxiety as she stared at the needle, “H-Hold on! I’m not ready yet!”

“Now, now, Ms. Inuzuri,” the nurse placated as if speaking to a small child, “You wish to become a shinigami do you not?” Rukia felt like punching her, but thought better of it.

“Yes…” she deflated instead.

“Then you have to complete a medical exam, and that includes bloodwork and reiatsu-work, both of which unfortunately require needles,” the nurse said instructionally, “Now please hold out your arm nice and straight...” The nurse reached for Rukia's arm again, but Rukia held it close to her chest with her other hand.

“I-I know!…I just…” she gulped as she looked down, “I just need a little more time…”

“I’m sorry dear, but we have other recruits to consider, and we’ve waited far too long already,” the nurse said while shaking her head, “So I’m afraid that if we can’t do this now, we’ll have to dismiss you for today.”

Rukia’s blood ran cold. She couldn’t make Renji go back to Inuzuri, she just couldn’t. She slowly began to release her arm.

“O-Okay… But…can I have my friend with me?” Rukia pleaded, “The tall red headed guy who came in with me. Could you call him in? Please?” The nurse sighed heavily.

“Mr. Abarai is already getting his exam done with the other male recruits in another part of the building, dear. If you interrupt him now, he may have to go back to the beginning of the line or not finish today at all. Do you really want to hold him back like that? To make him have to drop everything for you just because you’re a little nervous?”

“No…” she whispered.

“Good girl. Now please hold out your arm. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt a bit…”

__________________________________

"Oi! I thought we were racing! If you keep staring off into space like that, I'm going to win easily," Renji teased, easily snapping Rukia out of her dark thoughts. She shook the gloomy memory from her mind, and gave him a look of fake superiority.

"Hmph! I was just giving you time to catch up, you slowpoke!" she teased back.

"Sure, sure," he replied, as he reshuffled his paperwork, "Go ahead and take a break then, you speedy little rabbit. Meanwhile this slowpoke tiger will pass you by."

"That’s supposed to be a turtle, you fool, not a tiger! And, good luck with that!" Rukia replied, as she eagerly went back to her reading.

About an hour later they were still racing through their material, when they were suddenly interrupted.

“Well, hey there, hun! My name is Sato Koemi, and I’ll be your nurse today! How are you doing?” came the extra peppy voice.

“Nice to meet you!” Renji greeted easily as he put away his pen. He subtly nudged Rukia, who still had her nose stuck in her manga and hadn’t even noticed the exchange. She blinked in surprise.

“Oh! Um…Yes! Nice to meet you!

“Crazy weather we’re having today, huh?” the nurse went on as she took a seat in the waiting room next to them, “I hear it’s actually started hailing for awhile there! Still I’d much rather have it cold than hot. Can always put on a scarf, but can’t take off your clothes but so much, you know what I mean? Ha ha!” the nurse continued with a cheerful familiarity that Rukia found more than a little off-putting.

“Um… Yes… For sure…" she replied slowly.

“Anyway, I’m so sorry for all the delays. The other problem with all this bad weather is that it takes forever to get anyone anywhere! Not to mention the New Year coming up and the flu going around…”

“Same problem over at the Sixth,” Renji piped in conversationally, “We’ve been having massive call-outs all week.” Rukia inwardly cringed. She had no idea it had gotten so bad. No wonder he's been doing so much extra paperwork! Renji…

“Thank you all for understanding. Now what is this about a neck RIT?” Rukia explained the situation again. “I see. I see,” nodded the nurse, “Well, unfortunately, as I'm sure you've heard, the average tech or nurse doesn't handle neck RITs. I can talk to my Relief Team Leader about it, and see if we can get a specialist in for ya. But unfortunately, if we can't find anybody who’s available, that means I've got to try and get a needle in that there temperamental arm of yours. Otherwise, well…" Nurse Sato shook her head and shrugged, "we may have to dismiss you for today and reschedule the entire appointment."

Rukia tried to take a deep breath to calm herself, but she could feel her heart beating faster and faster inside of her now tightening chest.

Breathe! Come on, breathe! You can handle this! You've got to! Otherwise… Otherwise, Renji will never stop worrying about you…losing sleep over you… So come on! Don't be such a wuss! She admonished herself, B-Besides, maybe it will turn out okay? M-Maybe this nurse is like, Soul King-tier great at needles, and will find a spot in your arm that even Hanatarō can't find…

Out of the corner of her eye, Rukia took a peek at Renji’s face to see how he was doing. However rather than worried, like she thought, he was positively seething. He looked like he was about to tell the nurse exactly where he thought she could stick that needle.

Better than worried, Rukia thought, her heart both warming and settling a little at the sight, Still, I better take over. Rukia plastered on her best fake smile and said, "Thank you oh so very much for your kind consideration and honesty, Nurse Koemi! If you would like, you may take a look at my arm if it means avoiding having to reschedule."

The nurse's face lit up a little at this, somehow completely oblivious to the wrath she just avoided. "Don't you worry, hun, I'm very good! And we'll just do one and done. If I do miss, that's it, okay? No point in turning you into a pin cushion!" And with that, she was out the door to grab her supplies.

The minute she left, Rukia's face immediately dropped. Her fist clenched involuntarily as her chest began tightening again. Could this day get any worse… she thought, while trying to ignore her growling stomach. They had already been there for several hours.

"Hey…" Renji said to her quietly, having appeared to have calmed down from his own internal battle.

Shoot! I probably looked nervous again! Rukia thought. She unclenched her fists and tried to appear nonchalant.

"It's fine,” she dismissed quickly, ”At least they are taking the vein problem seriously. And hey, she even said she'd only stick me once! That’s a lot nicer than some of the other nurses we've dealt with. They all assumed that I'm just making the whole thing up to try to get out of it and so try to stick me multiple times anyway. Then I really do become a pin cushion from all their failed attempts…" Rukia finished quietly, as she stared down at her arms.

"Ru…"

Rukia shook her head as if to clear it and relaxed her position. She tapped her chin as a mischievous look crossed her face, "Actually, now that I think about it, I wonder if I could be one? A pin cushion I mean. Aren't they usually round and cute? I think I saw Ishida with one shaped like a tomato or an orange once. I wonder if he could make one shaped like my head." Rukia turned to face Renji, tilted her head to the side, and framed it with her hands, "What do you think, hmmm? Do you think I would make a cute pin cushion?" She smirked at him.

Renji looked less amused. However, he simply sighed, and leaned in closer to her. Their noses touched.

"The cutest," he murmured to her softly before giving her a quick kiss, "Do you want me to hold your hand while they do the RIT?"

Yes. Definitely. Is what she wanted to say, what she desperately wanted to say, but how could she? “I’ll… It… I’m sure it will be fine…” she finished lamely. Renji looked pretty unconvinced but ignored it.

“How about we find a way to take your mind off of it?” he said instead.

“I’m fine, Renji, seriously! After all, I still got my book!” However, when Rukia looked down at her manga, she saw that she was on the last page, “Ah… Well, I guess I won the race! So now I can help you out with your paperwork.”

“Not so fast,” Renji replied, smirking and holding up his last page of paperwork, “Looks like we finished about the same time. Did they leave us any magazines? Sometimes those have crosswords on them or at least ridiculous articles to read.” Rukia looked around, and picked up the magazine pile.

“Hmmm, looks like they only got some old ones we’ve already read at other doctor’s appointments this month. Also the crosswords have already been filled in.”

“Crap.”

“Yeah…” Rukia sighed, “I could go back to registration? See if they have any new ones?”

“Nah, it was a maze getting here. It’s probably best if we stay put.” Renji looked around the room, and smiled mischievously, “Now that I think about it, there aren’t any windows in this room, and we are the only two here. Plus we did get interrupted last time by that rude thunderstorm…” Renji began slowly. Rukia rolled her eyes.

“Renji, they could literally return at any minute.”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding…mostly anyways…” Renji laughed. He looked down at the packet that Rukia had gotten when she went through registration, “Anything in there that’s interesting?”

“Unlikely, they are usually all the same information no matter where you go.” Rukia opened up the packet. Several papers full of medical information lay inside along with a Fourth Division branded cheap notepad.

“Well there’s something!” Renji exclaimed, pointing to the notepad, “You could use that to draw.”

“Yeah…” Rukia began slowly, “but I don’t have my markers with me. And it’s hard to think of what to draw with all of…this going on…”

“Yeah…that makes sense,” Renji agreed. He thought again, “Hey, why don’t we play Codes instead?” Rukia's brows furrowed.

“Codes?” Rukia asked, brows furrowing, “Like we used to do as kids?”

“Yeah! Write out a coded message and then have me try and solve it. And then I’ll do the same. Come on, I know you remember them, Ichigo told me about the one you left him.” Rukia made a face.

“Yeah, but if Ichigo figured it out, then clearly they need some work.”

“No time like the present to practice!” Renji exclaimed, handing her his pen.

“Hmmm… I suppose…” Rukia replied, taking it. Her face scrunched up in concentration, and then she began to quickly write on the notepad. After she finished writing, she handed the notepad to Renji. “Hah! A double code! Twice as hard as the one I gave Ichigo. Try solving that!” Rukia said triumphantly, folding her arms. Renji looked down at the notepad, it read:

DMYF DTREE'SF DSTAWLWARTF DROCKF

DBUTF DTHEF DWAVESF DCRASHF DAGAINSTF DYOUF

DLETF DMYF DROOTSR DHOLDF DYOUF

There was also a deer drawn on one side of the code, and a fox on the other. Renji pretty quickly remembered that the animals meant which letters he was supposed to cross out. Since he had it figured out immediately, he went ahead and mentally translated the message:

My tree's stalwart rock

But the waves crash against you

Let my roots hold you

It…It was a haiku! A pretty awful haiku, but who was anyone in comparison to his captain or Kira? Plus Renji believed he understood the meaning behind it well enough, so it worked. Basically.

“Wow, this sure is hard,” he lied, “This might take me a while. Mind if I make one for you to solve while I work on it?”

“Sure, of course!” Rukia nodded. Renji flipped to the next piece of cheap note pad paper and quickly scribbled something down. He ripped it out and handed it over to her. Rukia squinted at the note. It was in morse code:

.. / .- -- / -.-- --- ..- .-. / .-. --- -.-. -.- --..-- / .... ..- .... ..--..

.. / ... ..- .--. .--. --- ... . / .. / .-- --- ..- .-.. -.. -. .----. - / -- .. -. -.. --..--

-.-- --- ..- .-. / .-. --- --- - ... / .- .-. --- ..- -. -.. / -- . / ---... -.--.-

“Morse code, huh? Real original, Abarai! I can solve this without even taking out a pen!”

“Well, good! ‘Cause we only got one!” Renji replied, as he began to slowly cross out the letters. Rukia took her time, and slowly translated the message in her head.

I am your rock, huh?

I suppose I wouldn't mind,

Your roots around me :)

The smiley face was included in the morse code. Inside, Rukia suddenly felt very hot, although whether it was with fondness or annoyance she wasn't entirely sure. She had found over the years that the two were not mutually exclusive, especially when it came to her fiance. Still, she composed herself, folded up the note serenely, and then threw the offending piece of paper at Renji’s head.

“Liar! You figured out my code immediately!”

“It just means you need to work on it,” Renji laughed. He handed her back the notepad and pen with the solved code, “Here, write me another one.”

Rukia quickly took them back, practically yanking them out of Renji’s hands, and began writing vigorously. She was taking a lot longer this time, and Renji tried to sneak a peek, but she would just glare at him and then crouch even lower over the paper. Eventually, Rukia shoved the pen and paper back at him.

“Here, try to solve that one!” She challenged as she crossed her arms. Renji looked down at the notepad. It was covered in numbers:

24 14 24 34 44, 33 45 32 12 43 13 45 31 31,

14 34 42 13 52 23 34 23 11 43 13 11 35 44 45 42 15 14 32 54 23 15 11 42 44.

24 31 34 51 15 54 34 45, 54 34 45 25 15 42 13!

“What is this, some sort of number code?” he asked, his brows furrowing. Rukia’s eyes gleamed.

“Hah! You wish! It’s a tap code, it’s just written out! Try remembering how to solve that, you jerk!”

It was a tap code. A code where you would tap out a number to indicate a letter. It was something they used extensively back in Rukongai when they didn’t want others to overhear their messages to each other, whether they be plans or something more…personal. Renji was filled with nostalgia, as he dug through his memories to remember the proper number to letter conversions. Finally, he had this one solved too.

Idiot, Numbskull,

Dork who has captured my heart.

I love you, you jerk!

Renji chuckled warmly as he fondly looked over at his fiance, who was regarding him softly in return. A faint blush was already dusting her cheeks.

“Can I make out with you now?” he asked.

“Yes, but only a little bit,” Rukia sniffed, going a little redder, “The nurse could be back any minute.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Renji agreed, gently cupping her cheek and leaning in.

[marmixedwithabitofintellect]

The Story of You

Hi guys! Here is Part One! I have really enjoyed writing this and hope you guys like it and give me some feedback! All the love, Mar

Disclaimer: In no way do I wish to spread hate or negative opinions about any of the characters here depicted, this is just fiction and with the purpose of entertaining you guys

Click on the visuals to enhance your reading experience!

Part One: Crisp Trepidation

April 28, 2021: Eight Weeks

I got out of the subway and took out my phone and looked at the directions again, after taking two rights and crossing the street I found the building, it was quite quaint and discreet, something he would definitely appreciate if you asked me. The whole office smelled like lemon and verbena which surprisingly helped ease my morning sickness, I would definitely need to ask the midwife about it.

A woman maybe in her thirties was sitting in the front desk, when she realized I was near her she gave me the warmest smile, “Hi! You here to check in?”, “Uhm, hi, yes, I am this is my first time here”, “That’s awesome! I’ll just need you to fill these formats for me and I’ll let Betty know you’re here, also I would like to let you know that if you don’t feel comfortable giving any personal information on who the father is, it is okay, we understand that sometimes situations aren’t ideal, but we do appreciate any medical information you may provide”, that sentence brought tears to my eyes “Thank you, I appreciate it”.

After I sat down and finished filling out the formats I stared at my phone, hoping to see any message, or missed call from him, but then again there wasn’t any, and although I expected it, it still hurt. Just as I was putting my phone away a woman in her late forties came looking out for me and called my name; she was beautiful, she had red hair, blue eyes which were framed by some glasses and a smile that let me know that everything would be alright.

We walked to her office which was decorated in very neutral colors and had pictures and diagrams of little babies and their development. I sat down on one end of the couch, and she sat on the other with the formats I had filled out and a pen.

“So, my name is Betty and I’ll be your midwife for this pregnancy, the first thing I would like to let you know is that this is a safe space, and I’ll never judge your choices or decisions, my job is to take care of you and your babe during this pregnancy and afterwards, having said that and before we continue I need to ask, are we thinking of having the baby or”, “No, I am definitely having this baby, although I won’t lie, it definitely was a big surprise”, “That’s good to hear darling, so from your charts I can see that you may be around the eight week mark and so far I can see that pregnancy has been treating you well which makes me happy, so how about I give you an ultrasound and we try to see this little bab and then we’ll discuss the steps to follow”.

After moving to another room, she asked me to pull down my pants until my hip and up my top below my breasts, which mind me are really sore, when she said the gel was cold she wasn’t lying judging by the chill that ran down my spine, “Okay darling let’s see what we- oh hello there little one!”

My head turned to the side so fast I was surprised I didn’t get a whiplash, but that was the last thing on my mind, all that I could see was my baby, the tiny bean that had already stolen my heart, “Oh my god, that’s a baby”, Betty laughed before moving the probe and continuing with her measurements “I know darling, it seems so surreal, but babe is happy and healthy, here let’s listen to the heartbeat”, I started bawling my eyes out when I heard it, that little thump that sounded more like a train than a heartbeat and as she printed some pictures for me and I cleaned myself I realized that the best adventure was about to begin.

About half an hour later and with the instructions to get some bloodwork done and to bring it in two weeks for a follow up I left the office and went home, with a whole new resolution to conquer the world with my new best friend.

Harry. Los Angeles, California. 9 Am

I had just finished a 5 mile run and felt incredible, so as a way to keep my good mood going I decided to stop for some pastries and coffee before going home; once I got home I started unloading everything and getting it ready for the meeting we will be having soon, I sat down to drink my coffee and eat some breakfast when I decided to check my personal phone, which I had left abandoned the night before leaving for dinner with Olivia, Jeff, Glenne and some other friends.

I noticed I had a new voice message, which was weird given the fact that were very few people who had this number and that voice messages were not really a thing anymore; without thinking much of it I pressed play, as soon as it started I felt my blood turn cold, my hands were shaking and I was thankful I decided to leave the coffee on the counter because I was sure I would have dropped it. “Hey, uhm it’s me, listen, I really need to talk to you, I know things were left in a really bad note last time, but it is important, so I hope to hear from you soon. Ok, bye”.

After the initial shock I played it again, I’ve missed her voice not gonna lie, but I really thought that after our last encounter I would never see or hear from her again. She sounded nervous and agitated and my mind went to all the things that could be so wrong that she felt the need to contact me. I left my phone there and decided to go take a shower one to calm my nerves and two to get ready before Jeff got here for our meeting.

Just as I was finishing getting ready, I heard the door open, and Jeff let me know he had arrived. I came downstairs and decided to tell him before anything because I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I didn’t want to let that be an obstruction for the meeting.

When I got to the kitchen, I saw Jeff was already digging into the pastries and finishing my coffee while answering some emails, he turned around and gave me a wave before walking to the living room to finish the call, he came back to the kitchen a few moments later.

“So, I received a very interesting voice message this morning” I said as I handed him the phone to let him hear and just as I expected he had the same reaction I did, “Shit, well, I was not expecting that, what will you do?”, “I have this feeling that what she needs to tell me is serious, so maybe I’ll reach out to her”, “Will you tell Liv?”

I let out a breath “I don’t think so, I mean it could be nothing or it could be something, so maybe I’ll test the waters first and then decide”, “Well mate, let me know how that goes, I’ll finish setting up everything before everyone arrives”, I was so into this I had forgotten we had a meeting.

I told Jeff that I would go upstairs quickly to look for something and when I got to my room I got my phone out, I opened her contact and started to type a message, but quickly deleted it, “I’ll try again later” I tell myself, even if I don’t know when later will be.

May 12, 2021: Ten Weeks

Hi sweet pea, today you are ten weeks old! You are the size of a strawberry, and you are busy growing your organs. Betty (my midwife who will be the first person to meet you and is soo excited to do so) said you are doing very well and that all the bloodwork came back normal-yay! my morning sickness has been better this week and we are acquiring a taste for decaf coffee; I had a dream of you the other night, I held you in my arms and we cuddled for a while, which is a bummer because I still have to wait 30 weeks if not more to do that :( I saw an article about your daddy today, he is filming a movie and I really believe it will be a good movie, your dad is really good on everything that he does, but you will see this for yourself soon, I love you bab, I really can’t wait to meet you <3

As I was closing the notebook my phone vibrated and I saw I got a text message, I opened it and my heart met the bottom of my stomach.

From H. Styles (18:50 PM): Hi, it’s Harry. I’ve been trying to reach you, but things got kinda hectic, I will be in New York next week, would you like to have dinner so that we can talk?

I really didn’t know what to think, it had been two weeks since I sent that message and I really thought he wouldn’t contact me or I would have to reach Glenne or maybe Mitch and Sarah, but I was really hoping it wouldn’t get to that point.

I took a breath, made dinner and once I was calmer, I decided to text him back.

To H. Styles (20:30 PM): Hi! Thank you for reaching out, I would like for us to meet, please text me the details on where it is the best place to meet.

From H. Styles (20:31 PM): No problem, I’ll send my driver over to pick you up, if that’s okay, same address?

To H. Styles (20:35 PM): Yes, it is. See you next week.