#my biggest challenge is always to make them look alike it never seems to be enough but nmj is still young so he'll morph into his dad later

[br-disaster]

Sect Leader Nie is immune to grumpy teenagers

[saturnbellfromhell]

SATURNIAN ENERGY

I'm really exited for this post, since it hits close to home! Other than being a Capricorn sun, my moon is also ruled by Saturn and Saturn is the second master in my 1 House. So, me and Saturn have known each other for some time and established a love-hate relationship. It can be quite hard with prominent Saturn placements, but you have to learn from your mistakes and accept many life challenges, because they will mold you into a resilient individual in my eyes.

⬛ Saturn, the last planet one's naked eye can reach in the night. In ancient Rome Saturn was the God of generation, time, abundance and wealth, also being called "the God of time".

In my heart,Saturn is the strict father of the planets. His energy is very dark, ancient, wise, patient with a sprinkle of misery and a good coming of age tale. He seems like he wants to step on you, make your eyes tear up...but he knows why he's doing such. He has witnessed all of this sorrow and wants patient thinkers above all. No daydreamers nor hot-headed individuals in his books.

⬛Many times Saturn breeds lonely individuals. One's who's life path is better without extra baggage.

⬛He really inbodies authority, maturity, boundaries, responsibility, discipline, wisdom, patience, karma, higher thinking and challenges.

⬛ It can be seen as the "boring" planet, since it's energy is so mature, but nevertheless Saturnian energy is extremely powerful.

⬛The lesson is very simple...there is no negotiating with Saturn. No crybabying, no remorse. His cruelty is a lesson to be seen in a positive light. The faster you change your habits, except rough times and be thankful for them...Saturn will charish you with light and knowledge! Also having many Saturn placements means anyone who will double cross you, will get their karma. So not all is dark, not all is bad, not all is ploting against you.

⬛ Saturn rules feminine Capricorn and masculine Aquarius, even though Aquarius is also ruled by Uranus, but I like looking at the duality of the two signs.

⬛ Capricorns are traditional in a sense. They are the grounded grandmother of the signs. With years of downfall and a gaurded attitude they can seem cold hearted. That is farthest from the truth, they are just extremely picky with people they surround themselves. The love language they speak is gift giving/receiving, even though I look at Capricorns as the sugar daddies of the zodiac. They are so in infatuated with working hard to spoil their loved one's. Yes, they are hard working most of the time, yes they can be lonely wolves, yes they can be man/woman eaters. The biggest issue I see with Capricorns is how they perceive themselves as unworthy most of the times, even though they are highly independent. Another note to my fellow sea goats is to not be so vengeful and prideful. Not everything is money and assests, enjoy your family, friends and partner.

⬛ On the other side we have the dizzy Aquarius. The non traditional air sign, clawing away their emotions to seem aloof and careless. But deep inside they really care, but mask it with their amazing sarcasm and humor. Aquarian energy is very humanitarian. They unlike Capricorn have a collective energy. They mold themselves to fit into any group setting. The chameleons of the zodiac. Always trying new things, traveling, meeting new people. They really never stop to think deep, that's where the issue lays.

⬛ So the difference in Saturn's teaching for both the signs are:

〰️Capricorns should release themselves from tradition and try new things to climb higher. They should stop being so stubborn and try to listen.

〰️Aqurians should try more traditional aspects, try solitude for a change. They need more patience.

That's why I've seen a lot of bitterness between the two signs, they are fallen sisters, but always butt heads. It is hard for a serious earth sign to communicate his deep feelings to an intellectual air sign and vice versa. They are so alike, but also so different!

⬛ Also Saturn rules the 10th house or the MC, meaning Medium Coeli or so called your "Midheaven". It rests at the top of your chart and represents career choice, publicity, the workplace, your public persona, status, reputation and sense of responsibility.

Some observations about Saturn placements/aspects:

〰️ Having Saturn in any house means that wisdom in that department will come later in life. For example if you have Saturn in your 7th house, marriage will come a bit later in life. You will have nasty relationships, but at the end you will never settle down with a dusty partner, knowing damn well how that goes. Another example is Saturn in the 1st house, you can struggle a lot with self acceptance and confidence, but it will all get better after maturing. The Last example is Saturn in the 9th house, you maybe will not succeed in greater education at an early age, or you might not travel long distance until your 30s/40s.

〰️ Saturn hard aspects (square, opposition) any planets means the same thing. They are challenges you need to conquer. Ex. Mercury square Saturn, this can mean you have a hard time communicating with yourself and others. Also writing can be quite difficult for you at times. Don't worry, it will come with age and some practice :)

〰️ Saturn in the 1st house can mean you always had to pick yourself up as a child. Too independent, lost a lot of fun years because of it. Also, if Jupiter or Saturn or both are in the 1st house, this means you have a lot of masculine energy. Embrace it, be a father figure to yourself or to others.

〰️ Cap Venuses can be very tricky. Bringing Saturian energy into a house ruled by Venus, the fiery planet of love and romance can be difficult. They need a long time to find their true lovers. Can be very cold and bossy towards partners. But a little secret, since Caps are very dominant, Cap Venuses like a dominant partner at times, passionately dominate. No degrading kinks and such. They love thigh touching and back rubs. You have to be extremely smart or a businessman. No rusty dusty partners over here. Also buy them a gift, doesn't have to be expensive, just very thoughtful.

〰️ Saturn in the 12th house can bring a lot of challenges into your spiritual life.

〰️ Capricorn Mars, especially men are so attractive to me. They are kind of intimidating in a way, but take action so calm. They know what/how to do it. Just a little bit of advice, try to be the listener sometimes!

〰️ Cap in the 10 house means business, and l a lot of it. They don't mess around with anybody that's lower than them. They also have ideas that they think about for years, trying to perfect them.

[cloudbersoo]

i can see you｜kim jiwoong

currently playing: i can see you by taylor swift

synopsis: you and jiwoong are enemies, at least that’s what everyone thinks.

tags: kim jiwoong x f!reader, suggestive, slight angst, forbidden love, implied enemies to lovers, your fathers hate each other, implied smut, no dialogue 

word count: 1.2k

a/n: my first song fic!! this has been sitting in my drafts for weeks and i finally finished it. my goal was 1k words so 1.2k wasn’t too bad. also challenged myself to not write any dialogue which was kinda fun!

it was another tiring day of socializing with people you couldn’t care less about. you were at the lee’s mansion for their annual gala, standing still next to your father as he pretended to be a good parent. after mr. kim had accused him of being a deadbeat father, he had made it his mission to bring his ‘beloved’ daughter everywhere with him. it was all about appearance and reputation with the rich and powerful. 

you stood next to your parents in your black gown, giving people forced smiles and wishing to be anywhere else. feeling the need to get some fresh air, you whispered to your mother before leaving her side. having spent many events at the lee’s, you knew your way around the place, quickly making your way to the front door. however, you were stopped by an older lady who wished to talk to you. 

as you had no way out of the conversation, you stayed to talk to mrs. jung. she asked the usual “is there any man you’re seeing?” and “when are you finally settling down?” questions women your age always get. you politely declined the lady’s offer to introduce his grandson to you, lying that you weren’t looking for love at the moment. during the conversation, however, you got completely distracted by a man who had just made his entrance, the one and only – kim jiwoong. 

but what would you do if i went to touch you now? what would you do if they never found us out? what would you do if we never made a sound?

kim jiwoong was the oldest son of mr. kim, your father’s biggest competition and by proxy, your enemy. he was wearing his signature black suit and necktie. his hair styled back, looking good as ever. you weren’t the only one in the hall to take note of his arrival, as women and men alike swooned over his appearance. nonetheless, the man’s eyes only met yours. 

your relationship with jiwoong was complicated. you were raised to hate him, to see him as your biggest competitor, but as time went on thinking badly of him became difficult. jiwoong was a great man. he was smart, polite and charming. he treated you as an equal, something many never even thought of. at some point you started to fall for him. fortunately, your feelings were reciprocated, but that was a secret only for the two of you. 

it’s ironic how every time you got asked about love, weddings and settling down, somehow jiwoong always appeared. you were quite sure he was the love of your life, the person you wanted to experience all of life with. he looked at you, scanning you up and down, with what people call his ‘bedroom eyes’. you wished you could go up to him, be held by him, be called his woman in front of everyone in the room, but that was something you could only dream of.

‘cause i can see you waiting down the hall from me and i could see you up against the wall with me and what would you do, baby, if you only knew?

jiwoong’s presence made you forget why you were there in the first place, mrs. jung long forgotten. jiwoong’s gaze was making you shy, which was something only he was capable of doing. he loved it, always making it his mission to get your cheeks hue pink at events. he achieved this by subtle touches or lingering stares, sometimes even by making you jealous when talking closely with other women, making them laugh the way he couldn’t make you in public. 

a smirk rised into his face as he noticed the blush on your face, once again succeeding in his mission. he slowly turned his gaze away from you, as to not seem too obvious for others. you took a deep breath, trying to calm your beating heart and all the thoughts in your head. you were finally able to get out of the mansion as you wished a long time ago. you took one last look at jiwoong, before closing the door behind you.

i could see you in your suit and your necktie passed me a note saying “meet me tonight” then we kiss, and you know i won’t ever tell

getting back to your parents before they would get angry, you made your way into the main hall. however, you were stopped at the entrance by a maid. you were confused at first before she passed you a note. opening the small piece of paper, you were met by a familiar handwriting. ‘meet me tonight - j’, a smile rising to your face as you read the words from your secret lover. 

as you approached your family, your father immediately started introducing you to new people he had met while you were gone. him describing you as his ‘perfect’ daughter almost made you laugh. if he only knew all the things you did with the son of the person he hated the most.

where you stood, you had the perfect view of jiwoong. he was talking with some people as well, trying his best to hide his disinterest. a strand of his hair had fallen out of place, sticking into his forehead. he stood confidently, with pride, as his father complimented him. his eyes finally met yours, like he had sensed your gaze. a small smile came to his lips, his eyebrows rising in question. you gave him a little nod and a smile as confirmation. you were definitely meeting tonight, how could you resist him?

and i could see you being my addiction you can see me as a secret mission hide away and i will start behaving myself

the door in front of you opened, revealing jiwoong behind it. he stepped aside, letting you step right into his hotel room. he closed the door before turning around and opening his arms for you. you wrapped your arms around his torso, melting into his touch. his suit jacket and necktie long forgotten on the floor as he embraced you warmly. 

jiwoong raised his hand, putting his palm against your cheek, caressing it softly. his eyes were conveying all the love he had for you. your eyes travelled across his face, down to his lips. jiwoong was one step ahead of you, as he already leaned in to kiss you. his lips were soft, but he pushed them firmly against yours. he wasted no time as he started guiding you towards his bed. 

he pushed you down to the bed playfully, following you as he climbed on top of you. trapping your hips between his knees as he started unbuttoning his shirt. he looked dreamy from a lower perspective, his abs peeking through under his shirt. you bit your lower lip, your hands travelling up jiwoong’s thighs, feeling extremely needy for your lover’s touch. finally removing his shirt, jiwoong bent down to heatedly kiss you again, his hands moving up your body. maybe your relationship with jiwoong wasn’t ideal. but having him on top of you like this, definitely made it all worth it.

i could see you throw your jacket on the floor i could see you make me want you even more what would you do, baby, if you only knew? that i can see you

- end

[my-head-is-an-animal]

Idk if this is something you feel comfortable with if not that’s okay just ignore bUT what are your thoughts on the reader being a former padawan and now they’re a jedi knight and one day the reader and plo are reminiscing about the past and the reader goes “You know, I had a crush on you for the longest time” kind of like, laughing at themselves, and then Plo is just ‼️‼️ then 💝💞💘💕💖💗

I hope this satisfies your Plo craving!!

A Brief Confession

Plo Koon x Reader

Word Count: 1445

Plo was incredibly proud, more so than he had been with any other Padawan. You were everything a Jedi Knight was supposed to be, disciplined, courageous, compassionate and with a flair for trouble making. You were well-liked by Jedi, Senator and criminal alike, and much to Plo’s annoyance, you were more than just well-liked by some of them.

You were smart though, you stuck by the code and you held your oaths in high regard. The Council were impressed by just about every decision you made, knowing that the safety of others was at the core of every choice made. You weren’t without your mistakes, but they became less severe over the course of the years.

Plo wouldn’t admit it, but after your mission away for the last two years, he’d come to miss your bright presence surrounding him.

He had been speaking with Obi Wan when he felt you land in the transport ship below where they were standing. Plo completely missed the rest of Obi Wan’s conclusion because he was distracted by wanting to go to you.

Eventually he was able to find a reason to leave the conversation and try to find you, wherever you were in the Jedi Temple. It seemed everyone had something to say to Plo because it took well over an hour to get out to the gardens where you were enjoying the Coruscant sun.

‘Master Plo.’ You sighed, feeling him behind you. You’d know that Force signature anywhere.

You turned around to see your old Master, standing in the shade watching you soak up the warm rays of the sun you’d missed. It had been such a long time since you’d seen Plo, you almost thought you would never hear his tired old jokes again.

You rushed over to give him the biggest hug you could muster, listening to his chuckle beneath his breathing apparatus.

‘Two years and you’ve only gotten stronger, my young padawan.’ Plo laughed, setting you down and holding your shoulders to look at you properly.

‘I don’t feel so young these days.’ You admitted. ‘The last two years haven’t been without their challenges, I can assure you.’

You could tell something was on Plo’s mind, but it didn’t stop him from listening to your stories from the mission you’d been on. He was curious about some things more than others and somehow you’d both begun talking about old times, enjoying how far you’d both come, but missing how carefree you used to feel.

‘Well, you always showed potential for greatness.’ Plo looked out at the city from the balcony at the edge of the gardens. You hadn’t realised how late it had gotten until you saw the sun beginning to set on the horizon.

You sighed, swallowing guiltily. ‘I don’t think I had as much potential as you all thought.’

‘Of course, you did,’ Plo encouraged, the same way he used to, making you smile. ‘You took the Jedi code seriously, showed compassion where others failed, learned from your mistakes and you have all the qualities necessary to become a Jedi Master one day.’

The compliment on it’s own made you smile widely. ‘I’m glad you think so, but I assure you, I made plenty more mistakes than any of you really knew.’

Plo turned his whole body towards you, curiously. ‘Such as?’

It took you a moment to think about what you were about to say. ‘Attachment is forbidden…’ you started, before chuckle with embarrassment. ‘You know, I had the biggest crush on you for the longest time.’ You stayed watching the sun and so wouldn’t have caught Plo’s sudden reaction of heartbreak turning into elation, but you felt a shift in the air. ‘I thought by being the best Jedi I could be, you’d somehow… well, anyway.’ You decided not to say anymore, unsure of what exactly you were feeling in the air surrounding you both.

‘Y/N.’ Plo said, softly.

You had a very good feeling a lecture was coming and before he could even get a word out, you decided to put a stop to it all.

‘I should probably head to bed,’ you nodded, trying to assure yourself that it was the right thing to say. ‘I’m exhausted from the flight and knowing Master Windu, I’ll not get much of a chance to rest if he thinks I can go on another mission so soon. Goodnight, Master.’

You nodded again, to Plo, before heading back through the gardens to your private quarters.

Plo was left standing on the balcony, wishing things were different, or at least that he had responded to things differently. How could he have missed your feelings for him so blatantly. All this time, he thought you were the epitome of what a Jedi should be, but this new information only made him admire you more.

Despite your affections, you still managed to remain focused and keep your head when things looked dire.

Plo couldn’t let Master Windu send you away without knowing how he really felt about you. He took the trip to your quarters, debating whether any of this was a good idea, knowing it could end in disaster, but still needing to know.

Three urgent knocks came at your door, confused and having already changed into your more comfortable sleepwear, you sighed and went to answer the door. You stopped when you felt Plo’s force signature on the other side, your face burnt red, knowing he would probably want to scold you or tell you he was disappointed in your confession. But he was still your Master and you couldn’t deny him a face-to-face response to whatever he had to say.

‘Master.’ You sighed, letting him into your quarters.

He stepped in and you felt the nervous energy around him. That was unusual to say the least, why was he nervous?

Once the door was closed, Plo turned to face you. He didn’t speak for a moment, and you had no idea what to say.

‘I don’t believe any response I could give would justify how I feel about your earlier statement.’ Plo said, calmly. You felt your heart drop and prayed Master Windu sent you on a hundred-year mission, anything to get away from the heart ache that was now settling inside your chest. ‘If I had half the courage you possess, I would be able to tell you that I too have felt a similar yearning for you, but I do not. So, I hope you can instead accept my invitation to dine with me at a time that suits us both in the near future?’

You were stunned for a moment, did he really just ask you to dinner? Did your old Master, the one who taught you everything you knew, tell you in far too many words that he felt the same way as you?

‘You… you want to… dinner, with me?’ You rolled your eyes and Plo chuckle to himself.

‘After all this time, I really believed nothing in the known universe could disarm your courage.’

You couldn’t help your slight smile and playful scowl. ‘You’re making fun of me.’ You tried to stop your cheeks from turning beetroot, but nothing was working. ‘I’d love to have dinner with you…’ you swallowed, feeling the guilt creep in. ‘But attachments are forbidden, we can’t act on our feelings.’

Plo let a gentle breath go and stepped towards you. He seemed to be debating how best to respond.

‘I could tell you that no one need ever know,’ he started, his voice lowering to a depth you’d never heard before. ‘Or perhaps that I never actually admitted to feeling anything.’ You tried not to smile too much, relishing in his flirting technique. ‘But the truth is, I find your ability to act objectively all these years without ever having your desires cloud your judgment, breath-taking.’ You felt your chest heave, sucking in a sharper breath than before. ‘Perhaps you could teach me how to deal with my own desires?’

Never in a million years did you think this would be happening, you always hoped, you even dreamt of it, but you never seriously thought that Master Plo Koon would be in your private quarters, standing inches away from you, telling you he reciprocated your feelings. It took you a moment to assess the situation.

‘You know, it took me a long time to learn how to act objectively, I don’t know if you’re up to the task.’ You said, folding your arms and proving you could play the game as well.

Plo chuckled darkly. ‘I’m sure I could keep up; I feel certain the effort will be worth the rewards.’

If you liked this, please consider supporting me ☕ thanks for reading!

[foxsimthings]

Kade & Breana Bishop for @seajaysims !​

While Breana spent her whole life as a Bishop, her older brother Kade was adopted into the family at ten, Breana at age nine. They’d gone to school together since they were much younger, though, and had become close friends in the process. Kade, who was in foster care at the time, shifted from home to home, uncertainty wracking much of his life - save his friendship with the Bishops.  Breana’s parents always had a deep love for Kade and when she invited him over after school, he was made more than welcome in their home, fed well, assisted with homework - whatever a boy might need in that moment. And Kade, in turn, grew to love the Bishops. The process of adopting him took several years, but eventually he was able to become a Bishop truly.  Home life was never, from then on, a concern. Breana and Kade were best friends, their parents loved them both a great deal. Problems only really began around when Breana hit puberty and began to fill out a great deal more than her peers. 

She was always a very clever, studious girl, eager to read and learn all she could. She never knew - never thought - anyone would diminish her smarts. But when her body began to change more drastically than her peers, suddenly being smart didn’t seem to matter all that much. To make the situation even more complex, the Bishops moved towns in this trying time, subjecting Breana to a whole new school full of kids that couldn’t quite understand.  It was a mess of bullying and harassment from teachers and students alike. Outfits that sparked no concern on other students were suddenly ‘inappropriate’ for her, and often she was made to put on random sweatshirts and baggy t-shirts from the lost and found to hide herself. Kade, always her closest friend, had become her biggest advocate, often at the cost of getting into trouble himself.  So the pair of them went, Kade - always previously regarded as a well-behaved, thoughtful young man - spending more time in detention hall, Breana wallowing in a stranger’s sweatshirt enduring the hissed harassment from her classmates. 

Looks are often deceiving. Teachers began to call home expressing concern, but the Bishops knew their kids. And while perhaps the two are still known around school for being problem children, the rumours could not be further from the truth. Though he’ll stick up for his sister in an instant, Kade is a gentle, kind young man, quick to smile and quicker to give to those in need. Where pressure from her peers had begun to crack her confidence, Kade has made it his mission to protect and encourage his little sister. And Breana, more outspoken and perhaps challenging for authority now, is a wickedly-smart study with dreams of pursuing a career in engineering without the hindrance of being judged for her appearance.  (I haven’t gotten to senior quotes or extra traits yet bc my brain doesn’t work but if they’re chosen I will do my best!)

[the-witty-pen-name]

Wallflower

18+ ONLY 

Ezra (Prospect) x F!Reader

Word Count: 4.2k 

Warnings: fluff, mutual pining, cursing, smut, unprotected sex, oral (f receiving), masturbation, dirty dreams, implies age gap (reader is in 20s+/of age, just younger than Ezra)

No use of (y/n) in this one!

A/N: I know this was not one of the things I should be working on, and I procrastinated on my coursework yet again to write fan fic. I’m so in love with Ezra and I have wanted to write something for this character for a while. It’s my first time writing for him and I was so intimidated to write something about him because his manner of speaking is so unique that I’m worried I won’t do him justice! Hopefully you all enjoy! 

Next thing I post will be the final part of Rest! It is currently in progress! 

I will be updating my taglist form soon to include Ezra and other Pedro characters I write for so check out for that if you want to be tagged in future fics! 

This is unedited and if I miss something to tag as a warning please let me know!

Tags and Requests and OPEN

“Ezra, for once can you please shut the fuck up. You’re driving me crazy,” you sigh, pulling off your helmet as you both return to your shared pod. It was a fairly long trek from the mining site back to your makeshift home and Ezra, being himself, talked the whole time- not once missing a beat.

“Not once have I ever had the pleasure of conversing with one as eloquently a sweet talker as yourself,” Ezra winks, making you roll your eyes. You weren’t actually mad at him, you could never, but one of the side effects of Ezra was limited moments of peace and quiet. In many ways, you and Ezra were very similar, and it made you really compatible partners.

But unlike Ezra, you really enjoyed quiet. Ezra, on the other hand, has had more than his fill of quiet for his lifetime and he basked in the ability to vocalize his every passing thought to you. It wasn’t often you felt the need to tell him to stop, but today had been particularly challenging and you couldn’t think of anything else besides the quiet of night and a good rest.

Ezra and you worked well because you were so much alike, but your differences also paired you two nicely. Ezra was without a doubt the biggest and most long-winded talker you had ever met and you were the best listener, opting to be the silent one in the conversation more times than not. You weren’t necessarily shy, just someone of a quieter nature. You mostly kept to yourself, by choice really, while Ezra struggled with solitude, it was one of the strengths of yours that you were able to endure it better than he could.

When you first met Ezra, he had called you wallflower, cause frankly you were one. Settled in the far corner of the pod with your notebook in hand, sketching instead of talking with the rest of the crew, Ezra made the effort to saunter over to you and made it his personal mission since day one to break you out of your shell. Made sure during mealtimes, he sat next to you, talked to you, asked you questions. Frankly, you owe the friendship you have with him now to his openness and talkative nature.

“Flower, I hope my parley on the trek back didn’t offend,” he says as he sheds off his suit.

“Not at all,” you say with a small smile, “Sometimes my meter runs out on my ability to listen. Tires me out.”

“I suppose I can understand,” Ezra replies, “I honestly seem to have the opposite problem, all my years in the Green, I never had the pleasure of someone to listen to besides my lonesome. Now that I have you, I find myself utterly unable to suppress my desire of spoken prose and I’m afraid I do tend to take advantage of your gentle nature.”

You nod, understanding him very well. It was coming up on seven months since you and Ezra had been on your own. The other three members of your crew had parted ways with you both, seeking out a better treasure.

Ezra, knowing what this planet and greed does, insisted on just doing his job and leaving, and you strongly agreed. It had been so long since the three of them went off for the buried riches, and you don’t even know if they will be returning to your pod at your scheduled time of departure in a few months’ time. Ezra told you stories about how he’s witnessed this job change people, and how he’s seen planets swallow up one’s humanity with no forgiveness. He was doubtful that any of them would return, and you were now starting to realize that his prediction since the beginning was correct.

Once your suit was off and put away, you smoothed out your hair as best you could by touch without a mirror, and headed over to the storage cubby where you both had your rations and grabbed you both a bar. You tossed one over to Ezra and he caught it effortlessly. Peeling back the wrapper of yours, you took a bite and collapsed on your cot.

“I never thought I’d miss those meals they served in the mess hall up in the station,” you comment, “I’d take a portion of those watery mashed potatoes and mystery meatloaf in a heartbeat if it meant I never had to touch one of these bars again.”

Your words made Ezra chuckle, his laugh deep and husky. You loved it. Your chest always swelled with pride just a tad when you had the ability to make him laugh or smile. More often, it was always him getting those reactions from you with his words and you liked the feeling when you were able to return the favor.

You closed your eyes, not falling asleep, just letting them rest while you chewed the rubbery ration. Ezra, tore through his always rather quickly, and he noticed that you still tried to savor yours despite your complaints. Like the taste, even though lacking and the texture terrible, was still like a reward for completing another hard day’s work. He admired that about you. You hadn’t been working this job as many years as him, as he was a few (plus a few more) years your senior. The things about this job he’s long since ignored or has gotten used to, still affected you. You still tried to taste your food, instead of scoffing it down like him and other seasoned prospectors.

“I can feel you staring, Ezra,” you say, breaking him out of his thoughts. He felt flushed knowing that he had been caught. It wasn’t intentional, more and more it was hard to keep his mind clear of thoughts of you.

“Sorry, flower,” he mutters, and you smirk, rendering him speechless for the first time all day.

It was undeniable that Ezra’s feelings for you were bubbling up closer and closer to the surface each passing day he spent in your company. You grounded him in ways he hadn’t realized he had needed. He needed someone to reign in his ramblings and tether him back when he lets his mind wander too deep. He needed you. There was this dependency that tied him to you now more than he ever experienced with another partner. It was friendship, sure. But he’s been friendly with partners past, and not once has he felt about them what he feels towards you.

He was a hopeless romantic, his thoughts of love and relationships were as poetic as the words he spoke. Yearning, completely head over heels, his mind constantly cluttered with scenarios of the ways he would court and win your affection if there was no inkling that lingered in his mind that was there to remind him it was a bad idea. You were much more practical than he ever hoped to be, much more wired for logic than he was. However, Ezra was blissfully unaware of how he had begun to rub off on you.

You found yourself daydreaming, caught up in your own little fantasies and escapes from reality, far more often than you had ever in your lifetime. Ezra, always the star at the center of it all. Living a life where you could stay with him somewhere more permanent, different career that didn’t require you both to float from planet to planet, chasing after prizes that weren’t actually yours- you just acted as a vessel, a taxi service for someone else’s riches.

You imagine scenarios where you would have met Ezra at a different time, or a different place. However, you often scolded yourself for allowing your stupid crush to occupy so much of your time. You were here for a job. And then you will leave and move on to your next one like always. It would be too painful to face rejection anyways, you reason. You can imagine the look on his face, thinking about the nicest way possible to reject you. That’s what you want to avoid, the pity. The niceties that will be forced after his inevitable rejection. The first friendship you’ve had the pleasure of having in years are gone just like that.

The pod was more spacious than the pod you would’ve been issued had it just been you and Ezra since the beginning. Two people sharing a pod designed for six felt much more like a livable space. More leg room, more spaces for privacy, it felt a little more like a studio apartment special wise than a glorified tent. You had even pushed a couple of the standard issue cots together and secured them tightly. You had the luxury of an extra pillow, and two of the thin mattress pads- it was like you had a full-size bed, with a beam running down the middle you did your best to cover by overlapping the mattress pads in the center. It was the most comfortable sleeping arrangement you’ve ever had on these expeditions.

Ezra and you strung a line across where both of your makeshift beds were positioned in the pod, and you hung a tarp across the line to make yourselves a privacy curtain. It was like you had your own room and he had his own as well. Ezra’s side was a little cleaner than yours, yours was a little cluttered with little mementos you find and want to bring back with you. Rocks, or small geodes… occasionally you’d bring back small plants that you double checked were nontoxic and you had them set up in makeshift planters- one of the crewmates that left abandoned an extra helmet that was damaged, and now you have an obscure green and purple plant sprouting up proudly from it.

Ezra’s side was much more standard. He had a pile of his old books, all of them weathered, looking like they’d been through hell and back. He had field books, and notebooks that held his years of accumulated knowledge of how he’s survived the Green. He ended up copying your bedding arrangement, and he agreed it was the most comfortable bed he’s had in years. He said it felt like a luxury a prospector like himself didn’t deserve. He also had a small collection of rocks that lined the ledge behind his bed. Little gifts from you, all of them.

“This one reminded me of you,” you’d say, passing him a unique rock while you struggled to keep the handful of the others you collected balanced in your hands. The grin on your face when you’d collect the little things was one of his favorite sights. When the partition that separated the beds was opened, it was a comical sight. Like a bedroom of a married couple on old television shows, where they had different beds and each side was decorated to that person’s tastes. Most of the time though, the partition was closed.

It made changing easier, the bathrooms and showers in pods no matter the occupancy size always had small, cramped bathrooms. However, it created a false sense of privacy because it did absolutely nothing in terms of suppressing noises. Ezra sometimes babbled nonsense in his sleep. The man literally unable to stop talking even when he was rendered unconscious. Most of the times it was completely incomprehensible, not even sounding like real words. Sometimes you’d hear a sentence maybe, but without knowing his dreams it was still alien to you. It was comforting to you hearing him on the other side of the partition, and knowing he was right on the other side made it easier for you to sleep.

Tonight, was no different, curled up in your bed, you were drifting off to sleep while Ezra had long fallen asleep before you. The weight of today’s expedition felt like it melted right off of your body as soon as your head hit the pillow. You were close to falling asleep, just savoring the moments of comfort before letting your mind drift when you heard Ezra say your name on the other side of the makeshift wall.

“What is it, Ezra?” you whisper, grumbling that he interrupted you right before falling asleep. He doesn’t respond, and instead you hear a low snore on the other side. He must’ve fallen back asleep, you figure, closing your eyes. They shoot open a few minutes later when he repeats your name again, but this time it’s a deep moan. His voice was husky and it sent a vibration right up the back of your spine. Your eyes widened at the realization that on the other side of the curtain, Ezra was dreaming about you. You shivered when he let out another involuntary, low groan. If you hadn’t been listening you probably wouldn’t have even heard it.

What do you do? You mind is racing with trying to figure out how to handle this situation. Do you wake him up? You also try your hardest to ignore how every small noise on the other side of the curtain is just going right to your core, making your thighs squeeze together while you keep your own arousal at bay. It was wrong of you to listen in, but you really don’t have much of a choice. You force yourself to take a few unsteady breaths to calm yourself, but it does nothing to ease you in your shocked state. Kevva, the noises he was making were like music. You often wondered what he would sound like. His voice on its own is already so perfect. But in this context? You wanted to hear nothing else.

You don’t even know how long you lay on your bed paralyzed before the temptation becomes too much and you are sliding one hand down the length of your torso and into your sleep shorts. You delicately slide your hand under your dampened underwear and your fingers instinctively find your clit. You bite your lip, trying your best to suppress the whimpers that escape your lips as you think about the man behind the partition. Your months of pining for him you finally let yourself submit to.

It had been a while. There was no privacy on the pod at any moment. When someone was using the shower, from the other room everyone could always hear the rustling around, if they were humming. It was better to just not try at all. The risk of getting caught was always too high. This was the first time you acknowledged and succumbed to your desires this entire mission. It had been so difficult to avoid, but now, you are taking advantage of the opportunity presenting itself to you. You weren’t even thinking twice, just closing your eyes and imaging the fingers inside you belonged to Ezra. You were so caught up in your own pleasure, you hadn’t noticed that Ezra’s side of the room had fallen silent.

Ezra sat up on his bed, His eyes fixated completely on the tarp that was the only thing separating him from you. He felt shameful, waking up from another dream about you. He woke up hard, and he felt immensely guilty. Then he heard your soft moans you were trying so hard to hold back. Now he sat on his bed, completely captivated by the noises on the other side, while he pleaded with himself to either make a move or just try to ignore it and get a few more hours of sleep. He snapped when he heard his name fall off your lips in a small whisper.

“I can feel you staring, Ezra,” he hears you say on the other side of the curtain. He smiles, probably ear to ear like a goddamn dopey teenager. He stands up and pulls the curtain back, and his breath catches in his throat at the sight of you laid out. You had stopped, knowing your statement would cause him to pull the curtain back, but the evidence of what you were doing still lingered- your hair sprawled out messy on the pillow, your sleepshirt haphazardly pushed up exposing the smooth skin and curves to him, the slick on your fingertips and the small wet spot on the front of your shorts. You looked up at him with doe eyes and he thought he might collapse on the floor at the sight of you.

“Flower,” he whispers breathlessly in the dark. The only light coming in was from the moonlight outside from the small window on your side you had opened. He thought you looked ethereal, a sight to behold that he was not worthy of gazing upon. He’s speechless. You can’t quite make out his facial expression in the dark and you mistake his breathless tone for discomfort.

“I’m so sorry,” you say, sitting up slightly. “I just... I heard you dreaming about me; we don’t have to bring this up again. Its just loneliness getting to me…”

He tentatively kneels down in front of your bed and you move to hide your face in the pillow so you don’t have to face him. He gently cups your face in his hand, and guides you back to face him. He actually says your name, and you might die hearing it on his lips.

“If what you say is true, and this is nothing more than a lapse in judgement, fueled by the loneliness of the Green, I swear to you I shall never as I live hold this moment against you, and you and I shall commence in the morning living like it never happened. But, if there is any chance these feelings that I have harbored for you are reciprocated, please grant me this opportunity to show you how much I am completely transfixed by you.”

You are now the one rendered speechless as you try to process the new information and the proposal Ezra has offered you. You are having difficultly allowing yourself to believe any of this or anything he says is true. Part of you was wondering if this was part of a dream and you hadn’t yet realized you were asleep. You had to reach out and touch his face, feeling his stubble under your touch, any sort of evidence to know he was physically right there.

“You’re real,” you mumble to yourself, and he chuckles. He takes the hand which you had rested on his face and he presses a kiss to your wrist.

“The number of times I have thought the same thing about you,” he mutters, moving your hand to press a gentle kiss to the back of it. “Flower, please…”

“This is more than a just a whim,” you admit, exhaling shakily, “Ezra… I love you.”

“Oh, how I’ve longed to hear those gracious words on your lips, flower,” he smiles, his gaze not breaking from your face.

You lean forward, capturing his lips in a kiss, unable to take being separated from him anymore. You move your lips against his and you can feel his smile as he moves to position himself on top of you, not even needing to break the kiss. Your limbs tangle with his, and you run your hands through his tousled curls, wanting to just let your hands touch every part of him that he would let you. He rests on hand on the back of your neck, while he uses the other to keep himself from putting all of his weight on you.

“You’re bewitching,” he says softly, as he pulls away from your lips to leave a trail of kisses and bites down your neck and collar bone. “Your beauty is unmatched by anything these tired eyes have ever witnessed,” he praises, as his hands move to slide nimbly under the fabric of your shirt.

He plans to take his time, to completely worship every part of your body and vocalize in every way how beautiful you are and how much he cares for you. His moments are slow, and sensual, making you feel like complete putty in his hands. He wants to savor absolutely every part of this shared moment. For so long has he dreamed about this, and so far, everything about you- your noises, your soft skin, all so much better than he ever envisioned. His calloused hands savor every inch of you they graze, committing how every part of you feels to his memory.

His moustache and stubble leave goosebumps behind on every part of your skin he kisses. He leaves a trail of marks behind that with time will definitely darken into small bruises, evidence he can gaze upon tomorrow to remind him this all was not just a dream. In his head, he pleads with his maker that if this is a dream may he please never wake up and suspend him in this sleep state forever. A small price to pay to have you entangled in his arms.

“I love you,” he repeats over and over as he kisses down your body, pressing kisses to every inch he can see and touch, just like he’s wanted to for so long in these strenuous months. His movements are gently, and you moan softly at the sensation of his knuckles grazing your skin as he pulls your shorts and underwear down your legs, leaving you know completely bare in front of him.

“I want to spend the rest of my days between these thighs,” he mumbles, pressing kisses to your inner thighs and his hands grab them and pull them apart gently. Like a man starved, his tongue works skillfully, giving you so much attention. Your hands tangle in his hair, and he sucks on your clit, making you cry out in pleasure. He loves the reactions he can elicit from you and he loves the taste of you. You’re as touched starved as he is and he wants nothing more than to stay between your legs for hours as you moan praises, and shudder under his touch. You back arches and you can’t help but squirm at the sensations, but he holds your legs gently, keeping you in place. The first time he brings you to orgasm is by his tongue, and you can taste yourself on his lips when he finally comes up for air.

You can’t even think of anything to say to reciprocate his words, your mind is hazy and you’re overcome with the feeling. He doesn’t seem to mind, and the look on his face almost proves how proud he is to be the one who’s the cause of your current state. He’s just so wrapped up in how your body is responding to his every move, he doesn’t care you’re completely speechless. The feeling of it all was just too much to try to attempt vocalizing coherent thoughts.

When he finally pushes himself inside you, it completely takes your breath away. He makes sure to go slow, taking his time and letting you adjust. He also needs to steady himself, because the feeling of you wrapped around him is incredible. It’s perfect, and he wants to take his time, but your so tight and feel so good, and it’s been so long since he’s experienced such an intimacy.

“You’re perfect,” you moan softly at the feeling of how he stretches you.

The compliments that fall from your lips, go right to his head, inflating his ego. His kisses become more frantic, and passionate. His hands shamelessly wander the length of your body, groping at the flesh, wanting to just worship every part of you, to just touch every part of you. His rhythm is slow at first, not wanting to cause you any discomfort, but you wrap your legs around his waist and pull him in closer and his mind is frenzied at the sensation. His movements become much more sporadic, chasing his relief as you cry out how close you are as your face rests in the crook of his neck, leaving kisses and bites on his neck, leaving your own marks on him like you were returning the favor.

“Cum inside me, Ezra,” you whisper, nibbling his ear and he groans hearing something only in his dreams manifest in the flesh. “It’s safe.”

He bites his lip and you tug gently on the ends of his hair, a moaning mess under him. The way your face contorts when you orgasm for the second time and the sensation of your release is the final sensation that triggers his own. He collapses on top of you, resting his face in the crook of your neck, whispering again how perfect you are before pulling out and rolling over to lay beside you.

You both are breathing heavily, glistening with sweat and feeling euphoric after coming down from the high. Your chests rise and fall as you both work to catch your breath before either of you speak. It’s a comfortable silence, both of you trying to recover. He looks over to you, and you match his gaze. You roll over onto your stomach and rest your head on his chest, taking a few moments before cleaning up. You rest your arm across his torso and he wraps an arm around your waist, pulling you closer.

Here, in the depths of this dangerous planet, you felt safe in his arms. The excruciatingly long days of physical labor, chasing after promises of riches feel fruitless now more than ever, because the best thing you ever found in the Green had been right next to you the entire time.

General Taglist:

@sassy-kassaay​

@letsfly-andbe-free

[bxngchxn]

mr. big shot || s. changbin

characters:  seo changbin + female reader

words: 3.2k

genre:  smut, some fluff, angst if you squint

warnings: dom!Changbin, brat!reader, slight degradation, orgasm denial, oral (both parties giving + receiving), unprotected penitrative sex (use protection always!), general hard dom themes, Changbin is kinda conceited at first but it’ll be ok don’t worry

This is a piece of fiction and is not suitable for anyone UNDER THE AGE OF 18.

summary: You run into the hot shot producer on campus at a frat party, who seems to take a liking to you, the only person who doesn’t care.

You don’t even like frat parties.

The LED lights that are somehow always a dark blue, the more than slightly used furniture that has no doubt been passed down a generation or two, not to mention the obnoxious antics of drunk, stressed college kids? Not your thing. In fact, the only reason why you were here was because of your roommate Rose, who had her eye on Bang Chan, a member of the frat who’s kitchen you were currently sitting in. By yourself, with a drink in hand. It isn’t even good alcohol, either; just some sad excuse of an Amaretto Sour that was not even giving you a nice buzz.

It’s around midnight at this point, and the party is in full swing. Couches in the living room were pushed against the walls to ensure ample room for dancing, sweaty bodies clinging to each other and grinding to the beat playing out of the speakers set up in the main room. You look around the room and you see a few people you recognize from your classes, but most remain unfamiliar to you.

ADK (Alpha Delta Kappa) was one of, if not the biggest (and most popular) frat on campus. Their parties were always crowded, mixing top 40s hits with some original music that the music production majors of the house compose themselves. The parties almost always ended up lasting until sunrise, and you can only take pity on their neighbors, who have to deal with the noise so late into the night.

You, however, had no intention for staying that long. Getting annoyed, you pushed your way through the sea of people in search of Rose, to let her know you were going home. As you walk through the crowd, finally spotting your roommate and heading her way, someone grabs you by the arm and spins you around to face them.

“Can I help you?” you ask, attitude through the roof as if someone thought they could just grab you like that. “Well, you sure seem to be in a hurry. I’m just trying to keep you company,” the man says with a charming (read: aggravating) smile. You look up at him in annoyance and also confusion. You’re pretty sure you’ve never seen this guy in your life.

He looked to be one of those snobby rich kids; his hair dyed silver and styled oh-so-perfectly, complemented by a button down that you could clearly tell was designer. His shoulders were broad, and his skin a glowing tan that actually would’ve made him look like the sun itself, if his smile wasn’t so kniving.

“I’m..sorry, do I know you?” You ask, and his expression goes from smug to shocked in under three seconds. 

“You don’t know who I am?” He asks, unconvinced. You couldn’t believe the arrogance coming from this guy. Who even is he?

 “Yeah, I have no idea who you are. Sorry, maybe you mistook me for someone else.” you say. You try to leave, but his grip is still on your wrist, and you’re forced to turn back round. Wanting nothing more than to clock the man standing in front of you, you huff and give him a piercing glare. “Let go of me,” you insist.

 He smirks and let’s go of your wrist, but for some reason the look he’s giving you makes you freeze on the spot. “My name is Changbin. Give me one dance sweetheart, that’s all I’m asking,” he says, his eyes never leaving yours.

Changbin...you were racking your brain trying to figure out why that name sounded so familiar to you. And then it hit you.

Seo Changbin is a member of AKD, and a friend of Chan’s. You figured he must be the Spear B that everyone on campus raves about, and now you know where his cocky demeanor is coming from. Girls and guys alike fall for all 3 members of 3racha. You had never met Changbin before, so it was no surprise you didn’t recognize him right away. Up until now, he was almost like a piece of folklore; everyone had a story about him but you were pretty sure he didn’t exist.

This would be a bad idea. Giving into him. You knew it would be. But regardless, he was attractive, and it doesn’t hurt to have a little fun every once in a while, right?

He watched your resolve slowly crumble as he stuck out his hand. Taking it, he pulls you onto the dance floor (well...the spot of the living room that was turned into one anyway) and doesn’t hesitate to turn you around, feeling your back come into contact with his broad chest.

There’s an upbeat pop song playing through the DJ speakers, and you start to sway your hips along to the beat while trying to distract yourself from the arousal that's starting to creep in as you feel Changbin’s arms snake around your waist, pushing your hips against his. “I’m Y/N, by the way,” you say, remembering that you hadn’t even told him your name. 

You can feel his breath ghosting against your neck as he brings his mouth to your ear. “So, Y/N,” he asks, “you really didn’t recognize me did you?” he asked, the feign hurt in his tone making you roll your eyes. “You know, you’re not all that special Mr. Big Shot,” you say, chuckling under your breath.

“Hmm and how can you say that? This is the first time we’ve met, doll. Can’t think you’d know everything about me just yet.” he says, and the use of the nickname sets you on fire. His hips have started moving to match your own, and you would be lying if the pressure you were starting to feel on your lower back didn’t spur you on to tease him a little, moving your hips away from him now and again only to have him pull you right back, turning you around to face him this time.

 “Aaanddd where do you think you’re going?” He laughs, and you roll your eyes at him. “Does it look like I’m going anywhere?” you say as you start moving your hips again.

“Better lose the attitude baby, it’s gonna get you in trouble if you’re not careful,” he says, his eyes darkening as you wind your arms around his neck. “Will it now? No offense, but I don’t think you’ll be able to do much damage,” you say, although you can feel yourself breaking already as you have less than innocent thoughts running through your mind.

“Is that a challenge I hear?” he questions, raising an eyebrow at your antics. “Does it sound like one?” you snap back, anticipating his next move.

Before you know it, Changbin’s lips are on your neck, his grip tightening on your waist exponentially. “Just remember: you asked for it.” he says against your ear as he pulls you from the living room and down the hallway of the AKD house.

Once Changbin has you in his room, door locked, it’s game on. He immediately pushes you against the bedroom door and begins his attack on your neck once again. You want to keep your composure; make him think that you’re not that easy to break, wanting to make him work for it, but the way he moves his lips up your neck and finally to your lips is already making you want to surrender and let him have his way with you. He bites your bottom lip, asking for entrance which you immediately grant him. Kissing Changbin was different. It was red hot and every movement was making the knot of excitement in your stomach tighten.

His hands slip under your shirt, and the feeling of them on your bare skin has you letting out the tiniest whimper. He pulls away from your lips with a smirk. “There it is..I know you’re starting to break baby, why don’t you just be good for me and do as you’re told, huh?” He teases, lifting your shirt up to touch more of your skin. “Not a chance,” you tell him, although your voice is already sounding breathy. You move to touch him over his jeans, his cock already hard.

Changbin groans quietly and moves to grip your hair. He pulls your head back harshly, and laughs at the expression of pleasure on your face. “All I had to do was use a little force and you’re putty in my hands, baby.. I knew it. You like being bossed around don’t you?” He says, fingers moving under your skirt. “Answer me, slut.” He says, pulling your hair once more for good measure. “Yes sir,” you gasp, feeling every ounce of brat you had in you leaving your body.

 “That’s more like it,” he says, releasing your hair. “On your knees,” he orders, pushing your shoulders downward.

You immediately oblige, looking up at him with wide eyes as you undo his belt and pop the button of his jeans. Pulling his cock out from his underwear, you’re pleased with what you see. Changbin is surprisingly well endowed; long and rather thick, and you can’t help but imagine what he’ll feel like in your mouth.

Grabbing the base of his cock, you give kitten licks to the head, pink and enticing. You hear Changbin groan and you make eye contact with him. “Stop teasing doll, you won’t like the outcome,” he growls, and that’s enough for you to take him as far into your mouth as you can, tip hitting the back of your throat.

 You make sure to run your tongue along the underside of his cock, tracing the vein and making sure he feels you on every inch of him. You start off a steady pace, Changbin’s fingers pulling your hair into a makeshift ponytail. You suddenly relax your throat and take all of him, gagging slightly as he slides down your throat. “Jesus Christ,” the man says as he feels your throat around him. “You’re so good at this,” he says breathily and the praise spurs you to continue.

 Before you even get the chance, Changbin is setting the pace, fucking into your throat. Tears stream down your face at the roughness of it all, but the moan you let out around his dick lets Changbin know that you’re doing just fine.

Pulling you off of his cock, he sighs. “As much as I would love to cum down that pretty throat of yours, doll, I have other plans.” He says, picking you up and immediately making his way to his bed, laying you down on the soft pillows rather roughly. He’s over you in an instant, taking your shirt off as well as his own, and letting his eyes roam over your chest and the pretty pink lace that adorns you.

“Hm, pink. It’s cute.” he says quietly and you blush, the compliment soft in contrast to the situation. You take a second to admire him, and it was just what you had imagined. Tan skin, muscles flexing as he’s moving over you. He lets his lips wander your collarbone, taking the skin into his mouth and sucking a dark purple spot that will definitely leave you thinking about him for days to come.

Taking one of your breasts in his hand, he enjoys the feeling of the lace under his hands. You arch your back slightly as he takes the nipple in between his fingers, twisting and pulling until it’s hard. He does the same to the other, and you almost want to start begging. It seems like he can read your mind as he moves you to sit up so he can take your bra off for you. He gets it in one try, and you’re not surprised. Once the piece of fabric is removed he replaces his fingers with his mouth, circling his tongue around your nipple and biting on it teasingly.

His kisses start trailing down your abdomen, sucking random marks into your skin that you know will end up bruising. You buck your hips up instinctively, silently begging for him to just touch you. Placing a hand on your stomach to hold your hips down, Changbin settles in between your legs, leaving kisses on your inner thighs as he pushes your skirt up. 

“Changbin,” you breathe, hoping he’ll just get the hint. “Yes, doll? What is it?” he says, opting to just take your skirt off, revealing the matching panties underneath. You lay there, refusing to beg and trying to hold onto whatever resolve you had left. “I won’t know what you want unless you use your words, baby. Come on,” he says, continuing the kisses on your thighs, fingers playing with the elastic of your underwear. Huffing, you finally give in.

“Please Changbin, I need you” you begin to beg, and he looks up at you. The look on his face set your insides on fire, you don’t even mind the embarrassment you feel in the pit of your stomach as you beg for him. 

 “You need me? Need me where, baby? Here?” he says, his lips moving closer to your core but not where you truly want them. “Need your tongue on my clit. Please,” you ask quietly and he finally pulls your panties down, throwing them somewhere. “I don’t know doll, doesn’t sound like you really want it,” he chuckles, and your cheeks go red as you realize just what he wants to hear.

“Please Changbin, I need your tongue so bad. I promise I will be so good..just..just please,” you basically whine the latter half of the sentence, hoping it’ll get your point across.

 “Now, was that so bad?” He says and finally licks a stripe up your clit, you moan out loud at the sensation, finally getting what you want.

Changbin is relentless, lips and tongue moving in a way that you have never experienced before. Switching from flat licks against your heat to small kitten licks against your clit. You can feel the knot in your core tighten impossibly tight, and you almost can’t take it anymore.

Changbin knows your close, and pulls away from your pussy. His lips are glistening and he looks up at you with a smile when he hears you whine. “Please Changbin don’t st-stop,” you say, feeling sad as your high ebbs away slowly. “Mm I don’t know if you deserve it, you need to be punished for how bratty you were acting earlier..you realize that acting up means punishments, don’t you doll?” He says, fingers tracing patterns into your thighs, moving closer to your core to tease you even further. 

“Yes sir I understand.” You say, just hoping that he’ll eventually give you what you want.

“Good. Now, you’re not allowed to come until I tell you to. Understood?” He says, moving back to your clit. “I understand sir,” you say, throwing your head back as his tongue finally comes into contact with your core again.

Changbin edges you two, maybe three more times after that. Honestly, you stopped counting, just trying to focus on every ounce of pleasure that he’s giving you. It was truly torture. The only thoughts in your head were him, him, him, and you knew he was set on making sure that wasn’t going to change any time soon. 

At this point he already has two fingers inside of you, and you’re sure you’re going to explode until Changbin slows his ministrations at the last moment, edging you for the fourth time. He trails his fingers to your mouth. “Open,” he says and you immediately comply, cleaning his fingers off and sucking on them once for good measure.

“Are you ready for me, baby?” he asks, taking his jeans and underwear off, leaving the both of you completely naked. You nod your head furiously. “What’s your color doll? I need to make sure you’re okay with this,” he says as he runs the head of his cock through your folds. 

“Green, Sir fuck, just plea-” your sentence is cut off with a moan as Changbin finally pushes himself into you, going slowly to let you adjust. Once he’s bottomed out he leans forward to capture your lips in a kiss. Once the slight sting of the stretch has dissipated, the fire igniting in you grows stronger and you move your hips, signaling to him that you’re okay.

Changbin pulls all the way out and slams back in, your eyes rolling into the back of your head almost instantly. The drag of his cock against your walls is enough to have you seeing stars, finally satiating all of your desires. He sets a rough and steady pace, and it’s hard to keep yourself together. The room is filled with a mix of sounds; skin slapping against each other, your breathy whines and a grunt from Changbin every so often.

“Look at you doll, taking me so well. You were really made for my cock weren’t you? All mine to ruin and destroy.” he says in your ear, one hand going around your throat and applying slight pressure. It’s bringing you closer to the edge and Changbin knows it, snaking his free hand down to your body to rub harsh circles on your clit. “Go ahead baby, cum for me, let the whole house know who’s making you feel this good” He says as his pace quickens.

His permission was all you needed, the knot coiling tight and finally breaking. Your vision goes white, and your legs are shaking as your orgasm finally washes over you, stronger than ever due to the four denied orgasms you’ve already had tonight. 

“Oh my god, Changbin,” you repeat over and over, riding out your high as he continues his rough pace. He was getting close too, the feeling of you contracting around his cock bringing him to the edge. He pulls out and flips you around, helping you get to your hands and knees before he inserts himself in you once again, the new position letting him fuck you harder than before.

“I’m almost there baby, you think you can cum for me one more time?” he says with a grunt. You’re still sensitive from your first orgasm and you can definitely feel a second one approaching, babbling nonsense as Changbin starts to lose control. His thrusts become more erratic, and his hand is around your throat again, pulling you close to him as he fucks you into the mattress.

Your second orgasm washes over you and the only thing you know how to say is his name. The feeling of your own orgasm finally pushes him over the edge too, groaning as he spills into you and helps you both ride out your highs. Once you’ve calmed down he pulls out of you, and you both fall to the mattress.

Changbin pulls you into his arms, bringing your back against his chest, just how it was when you first met him earlier in the night.

 “That, was…” you say, “Amazing.” Changbin finishes your sentence for you and it makes you giggle. Snuggling into you a little closer, you hear him laugh under his breath.

“I know this is a little backwards, but I was wondering if you’d let me take you to dinner tomorrow,” he says hesitantly.

 You turn around in his hold and place a gentle kiss to his cheek. “I..would love that, Changbin.” you say right before you succumb to the desire to sleep. The last thing you remember is a kiss on your forehead.

Your dreams seem to be filled with him, and when you wake up the next morning, seeing him bathed in the soft morning light, you feel content for the first time in a long time. And you welcome the change.

Maybe Seo Changbin is all that special, and then some.

taglist: @dom--minnie @sparklemin @minholuvs @hanflix @mochinnie @moonlit-lixie @formidxble @chaangbin @jisungiesbunnie @es-kay-zee @jinned

[salazarslytherin]

player, heartbreaker (wolfstar)

requested: nope! written for @acosmis-t ’s writing challenge! send in your own request here

summary: in which sirius breaks remus’ heart- not for the first time, but definitely the last.

prompts: 6. “i love you.”, “no you don’t” 8. “how was i such an idiot, to believe that you, out of all people, could ever love me?” 13. “maybe they were right. you never did change.”

cw/tw: angst, cheating, just tears, and a whole lot of em

word count: 2.4k

🃛 masterlist!

a/n: if you enjoyed this oneshot please consider reblogging and/or dropping me a follow! it’ll help me out a lot :)

I love you.

Those three words meant so much to Remus. Shunned by so many throughout his life, coming to Hogwarts and feeling the warm embrace of friendship and the overwhelming amounts of love that came with it made him lightheaded, feeling as if he were floating on air.

Those three words had made Remus excuse so much. Times he’d gotten in trouble with McGonagall because of a stupid prank Sirius had pulled and blamed on him.

“She’ll pull me out of quidditch for this! You’re the perfect student, she’ll let you off the hook! I love you Moony!”

Remus wasn’t let off the hook, but he never held it against Sirius.

Dangerous and idiotic pranks were forgiven- like the Full Moon Incident with Snape in fifth year. The Black heir had grovelled and apologised, spending many nights on his knees, begging for Remus’ forgiveness.

“Moony I’m so sorry, I was just, infuriated by the sheer audacity of Snivellus. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I love you, and I would do anything to prove to you that I can make it up to you.”

It took another full moon for Remus to forgive him, but he never forgot the heartbreak and betrayal that the incident had brought him.

Yet, he didn’t hold it against him. Because it was Sirius Black.

The first boy to show him friendship, the first boy to show him affection, the first boy to show him love.

⚔︎.

Not long after the Incident, the love between the two had blossomed- growing from a platonic, brotherly love to one that was more complicated.

One was the Prince of Gryffindor; the biggest player and heartbreaker that Hogwarts had seen in decades. Flirting and fucking girls and boys alike, Sirius Black left behind him a trail of tears and heartbreak. Yet he was never resented for it, because that’s just who he was.

Sirius Black, the serial heartbreaker.

The other was quiet. The most unassuming member of the Marauders- studious and always willing to help others regardless of house and year. A Werewolf littered with scars, but the gentlest person you could ever meet. Remus Lupin was the kindest soul you could find, but vicious when you needed him to be. Although quiet, he was charming and outgoing, the kind of person you could have a beer with, but also come to for your troubles.

Remus Lupin, the kindest boy at Hogwarts.

The two were best friends, but perhaps there was always a little bit more.

Sirius was openly bisexual, flamboyant and flaunting of his sexuality, he flirted with anyone and everyone.

Rumour has it he tried to flirt Filch out of detention once.

Remus was gay, but only told others when asked. He didn’t think his sexuality was anyone’s business, perhaps except his and his partner’s only.

As a result of these two polar opposites that were too similar for their own good, there was always an underlying sense of attraction. Remus would watch Sirius from behind a book, smiling at his jokes, laughing at his antics.

Sirius always admired Remus’ scars, equating them with bravery and beauty.

One day, the attraction had just clicked, and the words “I love you Moony” became “I’m in love with you, Moony.”

The stolen glances turned into shared, lingering looks in classes after a make-out session in an alcove- Remus turning red when he realised he was wearing Sirius’ shirt instead of his own, one that was just a tad bit too small for the Werewolf, then vermillion when someone pointed out a hickey Sirius had left on his neck.

Nights were no longer lonely– neither of the two was plagued with nightmares anymore as, much like the year before, many nights were spent with Sirius on his knees- albeit under very, very different circumstances.

⚔︎.

Not long after they had gotten together, Gryffindor won yet another quidditch match against Slytherin, and a Marauders party had exploded in the Common Room. Students from every house, save for Slytherin, partied the night away with bottles of firewhiskey and cake from the house elves, which ended up more on people’s faces than in their mouths.

Remus, not one to “party hard” like Sirius or James, found himself sitting on the window seat, chatting with passersby, sipping on a cup of firewhiskey while watching his friends on the dance floor.

“Hey there Lupin. Not out there with the rest of your marauders?”

Lily sat herself down next to Remus, clutching her own firewhiskey as she watched her boyfriend dance with Remus’, Peter bouncing awkwardly between the two.

“Not really feeling up for it. Why aren’t you out there yourself? Thought you’d be out dancing with James, you two seem awfully close these days.”

A blush graced Lily’s face, coughing slightly to cover her embarrassment as she turned to face her fellow prefect.

“Well, you and Black seem awfully close yourselves. Are you actually dating him?”

From anyone else, Remus would’ve thought the question rude and blunt, intrusive, even. But over the years, he began counting Lily Evans a friend almost as close as the Marauders, so he shrugged, and let it slide.

“Maybe. What’s it to you?”

The redhead shrugged, looking out onto the dance floor where a Ravenclaw had grabbed onto Sirius, grinding onto his front as the Gryffindor seemed to welcome him, holding his hips close to his own, the pair lost in the music.

“I just worry about you, Remus. I know you two are best friends, and you should always trust the people you’re with, but, we all know what Black’s like. I don’t want to see you become one of the ones he leaves behind.”

Remus clenched his jaw at the sight of Nathan Sulzer grinding on his boyfriend, his heart clenching slightly as Sirius did nothing to stop him.

“I’ll be fine Lily.”

James wandered towards the two of them, pressing a kiss to Lily’s lips as he shoved Remus lightly on the shoulder.

“Alright, Moony?”

Remus felt his heart break slightly as Nathan peppered kisses on Sirius’ neck, the same spots he had kissed that very morning before the quidditch match. James followed the werewolf’s gaze as he failed to reply, his own fist clenching in response.

“Merlin Moony, I’m so sorry. I swear I thought he would’ve changed for you. I love that man but I swear he can be so thick somedays.”

Remus shook his head, feeling tears well up that he willed away, putting down the cup and pushing himself off the seat.

“It’s fine. I’m going to head upstairs first. G’night you two.”

“I love you Moony.”

“Love you too Prongs. Night Lil.”

⚔︎.

That was not the night Sirius Black broke Remus Lupin’s heart for the last time. Later that night, the beater had come up, small hickeys staining his neck and collar overturned as he begged Remus for his forgiveness.

“I was so drunk baby I didn’t even realise what he was doing. Just celebrating, I didn’t even know who I was dancing with! I love you so much Re I’m so sorry. It will never happen again.”

Remus forgave him. He always did.

After all, this was Sirius Black he was faced with.

And if we know anything, it’s that Remus Lupin always forgave Sirius Black.

Later that week, when Nathan Sulzer came to Remus to ask for help with a transfiguration essay, he merely turned and walked away, causing Nathan to wonder what he’d done to earn the ire of the kindest boy in Hogwarts.

⚔︎.

It was the last day of exams in sixth year. Remus and Peter, being the only ones in the Marauders to take NEWT level Ancient Runes, were the last to finish their exams. Excitedly discussing what was to come in the summer as well as the final weeks of school, the two made their way back to Gryffindor tower.

“So what are you doing over the summer Wormy? Have your parents settled on a vacation spot yet, or are you going to finally stay around for once?”

Peter smiled softly, shrugging as he clutched his books to his chest.

“I’m not really sure, but I think we should be around for the last few weeks. You’re staying with Prongs and Padfoot for a while, right? I think I’ll probably be able to join you if you’re still there by the time I get-”

The pair’s conversation was cut short as they ascended the stairs to their dorm, hearing a piercing feminine moan coming from their room.

“Merlin, never pegged Lily for the vocal type.”

Peter frowned, uncomfortable.

“Clearly you’ve not been around the Potter household when she stays with Prongs during Christmas. ��

Shuddering, their soft laughter was cut short as footsteps thundered up the stairs behind them, muscular arms landing on the two Marauders’ shoulders.

“Alright, lads! Finally finished with your exams?”

James Fleamont Potter stood behind his two fellow Marauders in all his glory, making the boys freeze in their actions.

“I- you-”

Remus’ mind was moving a mile a minute, the reality clocking in but he refused to admit it. This had to be some sort of a sick prank.

“If you’re out here, then who’s that in there having sex with Lily?!”

Peter pointed at the door, the confusion and adrenaline running through the three boys making them miss the soft moan of ‘Sirius’ coming from behind the doors.

“What?! Nobody better be having sex with my Lily!”

The heavy wooden doors flew open as James kicked it with all his might, revealing Emmeline Vance naked and on top of the one and only, Sirius Black.

“Padfoot?!” emerged out of Peter’s mouth at the same time as the words “That’s not Lily!” came from James’, before reality dawned upon the two, turning to face the werewolf.

“Get out.”

“Moony I-”

For the first time in a long time, Remus felt a fire rise in his stomach, his temper snapping as he threw his books on the ground.

“All of you, get out!”

The werewolf’s head snapped up at the naked boy on the bed, who was stealing fearful glances at the girl quickly redressing next to him.

“Except you, Black.”

⚔︎.

Sirius had awkwardly finished putting on his clothes as Remus stood beside his own bed, feeling nothing, his previous anger had sizzled out and left him hollow.

“Moony I-”

“I don’t want to hear you speak. I don’t, I just,”

A memory flashed by Remus’ mind, that party after Gryffindor’s first win of the year. Lily’s words echoing in his mind: we all know what Black’s like.

“Maybe they were right. You never did change.”

A cold laugh emerged from the prefect’s lips, looking up at the ceiling he’d become so familiar with over the past year. The one he’d studied night after night with Sirius in his arms, the one he’d memorised when he wondered whether he did anything wrong when Sirius apologised to him for this thing or that, breaking his heart bit by bit, day by day.

“How was I such an idiot, to believe that you, of all people, could ever love me? Sirius Black, prince of Gryffindor. The biggest player Hogwarts has ever seen, the biggest heartbreaker there’s ever been!”

Remus continued laughing his emotionless laugh, one that made Sirius wince and shudder. It was so unlike him, so hollow, so cruel.

Nothing like his Remus.

“Of course I love you Moony. I love you.”

Sirius made his way over to Remus, his calloused hands reaching out towards Remus’ scarred ones.

“No you don’t.”

Remus’ hand was enveloped for a mere second, the familiar warmth begging him to stay before his sinking heart reminded him of the hurt he was pushed under by those same hands, and ripped himself away.

“If you loved me, you would never have done this. If you loved me, you’d never have made me doubt whether you really wanted to be with me. If you’d loved me,”

Remus looked at Sirius for the first time since James and Peter left the room. As their eyes met, Remus felt the tears welling in the grey eyes he loved so dearly pulling at his heartstrings, clenching his jaw before continuing, willing his own tears not to fall.

“We wouldn’t be here. I was in love with you, but you were in love with the idea of me. The chase, the excitement of a relationship you couldn’t flaunt all across the halls.”

Muted ‘no’s and soundless protests were made as Sirius fell to his knees in front of Remus for the umpteenth time that year, but this time out of desperation, an attempt to salvage something that couldn’t be salvaged.

“But you got tired, and you found the excitement in sneaking around with others. Pushing the boundaries to see how far you could get without being caught.”

Tears fell freely from Sirius’ eyes now, clutching onto Remus’ trousers as he cried out.

“That’s not it. Please Re, I love you, I love you so much. You’re everything for me, my home, my only. Please don’t do this.”

Remus’ own eyes flew shut, but he continued, tears escaping as rapidly as the words did.

“And now you’ve gotten caught. I hope it was worth it, because I’m done forgiving you. I’m just so, so done. I’m tired of not being good enough for you, I’m tired of second guessing myself and wondering why you end up in other people’s arms.”

Sirius shook his head fervently, incoherent words and sobs wracked from his throat as he hugged Remus’ legs with more strength than he knew he had, shaking his head at the werewolf’s words.

“You know, I would’ve done anything for you. I forgave you each and every time you crawled back to me. No matter how many times you broke my heart, I turned to putty in your hands every time you told me ‘I love you’.”

Remus’ hands landed on the boy’s shoulders for the last time, a motion so familiar, yet so foreign at the same time, pulling him away. He took Sirius’ chin into his hand, tilting his head up to meet his tearfully hopeful eyes.

“I love you Remus.”

Desperation dripped from the animagus' voice, his eyes searching Remus' face for one last bit of mercy, one last "I love you".

“I love you Sirius. But I don’t want to love you any longer.”

[ethereal-bang]

Mr. Big Shot

REQUESTS: OPEN 

Characters: Seo Changbin + Female Reader

Words: 3.2k (I got carried away lol) 

Type: Smut, some fluff, angst if you squint

Warnings: dom!Changbin, brat!reader, slight degradation, orgasm denial, oral (both parties giving + receiving), unprotected penitrative sex (use protection always!), general hard dom themes, Changbin is kinda conceited at first but it’ll be ok don’t worry 

This is a piece of fiction and is not suitable for anyone UNDER THE AGE OF 18. 

Summary: You run into the hot shot producer on campus at a frat party, who seems to take a liking to you, the only person who doesn’t care. 

________________________________________________________________

You don’t even like frat parties.

The LED lights that are somehow always a dark blue, the more than slightly used furniture that has no doubt been passed down a generation or two, not to mention the obnoxious antics of drunk, stressed college kids? Not your thing. In fact, the only reason why you were here was because of your roommate Rose, who had her eye on Bang Chan, a member of the frat who’s kitchen you were currently sitting in. By yourself, with a drink in hand. It isn’t even good alcohol, either; just some sad excuse of an Amaretto Sour that was not even giving you a nice buzz. 

It’s around midnight at this point, and the party is in full swing. Couches in the living room were pushed against the walls to ensure ample room for dancing, sweaty bodies clinging to each other and grinding to the beat playing out of the speakers set up in the main room. You look around the room and you see a few people you recognize from your classes, but most remain unfamiliar to you. 

ADK (Alpha Delta Kappa) was one of, if not the biggest (and most popular) frat on campus. Their parties were always crowded, mixing top 40s hits with some original music that the music production majors of the house compose themselves. The parties almost always ended up lasting until sunrise, and you can only take pity on their neighbors, who have to deal with the noise so late into the night.

You, however, had no intention for staying that long. Getting annoyed, you pushed your way through the sea of people in search of Rose, to let her know you were going home. As you walk through the crowd, finally spotting your roommate and heading her way, someone grabs you by the arm and spins you around to face them.

“Can I help you?” you ask, attitude through the roof as if someone thought they could just grab you like that. “Well, you sure seem to be in a hurry. I’m just trying to keep you company,” the man says with a charming (read: aggravating) smile. You look up at him in annoyance and also confusion. You’re pretty sure you’ve never seen this guy in your life.

He looked to be one of those snobby rich kids; his hair dyed silver and styled oh-so-perfectly, complemented by a button down that you could clearly tell was designer. His shoulders were broad, and his skin a glowing tan that actually would’ve made him look like the sun itself, if his smile wasn’t so smug.

“I’m..sorry, do I know you?” You ask, and his expression goes from smug to shocked in under three seconds. “You don’t know who I am?” He asks, unconvinced. “Yeah, I have no idea who you are. Sorry, maybe you mistook me for someone else.” you say. You try to leave, but his grip is still on your wrist, and you’re forced to turn back round. Wanting nothing more than to clock the man standing in front of you, you huff and give him a piercing glare. “Let go of me,” you insist. He smirks and let’s go of your wrist, but for some reason the look he’s giving you makes you freeze on the spot. “My name is Changbin. Give me one dance sweetheart, that’s all I’m asking,” he says, his eyes never leaving yours. 

Changbin...you were racking your brain trying to figure out why that name sounded so familiar to you. And then it hit you.

Seo Changbin is a member of AKD, and a friend of Chan’s. You figured he must be the Spear B that everyone on campus raves about, and now you know where his cocky demeanor is coming from. Girls and guys alike fall for all 3 members of 3racha. You had never met Changbin before, so it was no surprise you didn’t recognize him right away. Up until now, he was almost like a piece of folklore; everyone had a story about him but you were pretty sure he didn’t exist. 

This would be a bad idea. Giving into him. You knew it would be. But regardless, he was attractive, and it doesn’t hurt to have a little fun every once in a while, right?

He watched your resolve slowly crumble as he stuck out his hand. Taking it, he pulls you onto the dance floor (well...the spot of the living room that was turned into one anyway) and doesn’t hesitate to turn you around, feeling your back come into contact with his broad chest. 

There’s an upbeat pop song playing through the DJ speakers, and you start to sway your hips along to the beat while trying to distract yourself from the arousal that's starting to creep in as you feel Changbin’s arms snake around your waist, pushing your hips against his. “I’m Y/N, by the way,” you say, remembering that you hadn’t even told him your name. You can feel his breath ghosting against your neck as he brings his mouth to your ear. “So, Y/N,” he asks, “you really didn’t recognize me did you?” he asked, the feign hurt in his tone making you roll your eyes. “You know, you’re not all that special Mr. Big Shot,” you say, chuckling under your breath.

“Hmm and how can you say that? This is the first time we’ve met, doll. Can’t think you’d know everything about me just yet.” he says, and the use of the nickname sets you on fire. His hips have started moving to match your own, and you would be lying if the pressure you were starting to feel on your lower back didn’t spur you on to tease him a little, moving your hips away from him now and again only to have him pull you right back, turning you around to face him this time. “Aaanddd where do you think you’re going?” He laughs, and you roll your eyes at him. “Does it look like I’m going anywhere?” you say as you start moving your hips again. 

“Better lose the attitude baby, it’s gonna get you in trouble if you’re not careful,” he says, his eyes darkening as you wind your arms around his neck. “Will it now? No offense, but I don’t think you’ll be able to do much damage,” you say, although you can feel yourself breaking already as you have less than innocent thoughts running through your mind. 

“Is that a challenge I hear?” he questions, raising an eyebrow at your antics. “Does it sound like one?” you snap back, anticipating his next move.

Before you know it, Changbin’s lips are on your neck, his grip tightening on your waist exponentially. “Just remember: you asked for it.” he says against your ear as he pulls you from the living room and down the hallway of the AKD house. 

Once Changbin has you in his room, door locked, it’s game on. He immediately pushes you against the bedroom door and begins his attack on your neck once again. You want to keep your composure; make him think that you’re not that easy to break, wanting to make him work for it, but the way he moves his lips up your neck and finally to your lips is already making you want to surrender and let him have his way with you. He bites your bottom lip, asking for entrance which you immediately grant him. Kissing Changbin was different. It was red hot and every movement was making the knot of excitement in your stomach tighten. 

His hands slip under your shirt, and the feeling of them on your bare skin has you letting out the tiniest whimper. He pulls away from your lips with a smirk. “There it is..I know you’re starting to break baby, why don’t you just be good for me and do as you’re told, huh?” He teases, lifting your shirt up to touch more of your skin. “Not a chance,” you tell him, although your voice is already sounding breathy. You move to touch him over his jeans, his cock already hard. 

Changbin groans quietly and moves to grip your hair. He pulls your head back harshly, and laughs at the expression of pleasure on your face. “All I had to do was use a little force and you’re putty in my hands, baby.. I knew it. You like being bossed around don’t you?” He says, fingers moving under your skirt. “Answer me, slut.” He says, pulling your hair once more for good measure. “Yes sir,” you gasp, feeling every ounce of brat you had in you leaving your body. “That’s more like it,” he says, releasing your hair. “On your knees,” he orders, pushing your shoulders downward.

You immediately oblige, looking up at him with wide eyes as you undo his belt and pop the button of his jeans. Pulling his cock out from his underwear, you’re pleased with what you see. Changbin is surprisingly well endowed; long and rather thick, and you can’t help but imagine what he’ll feel like in your mouth. 

Grabbing the base of his cock, you give kitten licks to the head, pink and enticing. You hear Changbin groan and you make eye contact with him. “Stop teasing doll, you won’t like the outcome,” he growls, and that’s enough for you to take him as far into your mouth as you can, tip hitting the back of your throat. You make sure to run your tongue along the underside of his cock, tracing the vein and making sure he feels you on every inch of him. You start off a steady pace, Changbin’s fingers pulling your hair into a makeshift ponytail. You suddenly relax your throat and take all of him, gagging slightly as he slides down your throat. “Jesus Christ,” the man says as he feels your throat around him. “You’re so good at this,” he says breathily and the praise spurs you to continue. Before you even get the chance, Changbin is setting the pace, fucking into your throat. Tears stream down your face at the roughness of it all, but the moan you let out around his dick lets Changbin know that you’re doing just fine.

Pulling you off of his cock, he sighs. “As much as I would love to cum down that pretty throat of yours, doll, I have other plans.” He says, picking you up and immediately making his way to his bed, laying you down on the soft pillows rather roughly. He’s over you in an instant, taking your shirt off as well as his own, and letting his eyes roam over your chest and the pretty pink lace that adorns you. “Hm, pink. It’s cute.” he says quietly and you blush, the compliment soft in contrast to the situation. You take a second to admire him, and it was just what you had imagined. Tan skin, muscles flexing as he’s moving over you. He lets his lips wander your collarbone, taking the skin into his mouth and sucking a dark purple spot that will definitely leave you thinking about him for days to come.

Taking one of your breasts in his hand, he enjoys the feeling of the lace under his hands. You arch your back slightly as he takes the nipple in between his fingers, twisting and pulling until it’s hard. He does the same to the other, and you almost want to start begging. It seems like he can read your mind as he moves you to sit up so he can take your bra off for you. He gets it in one try, and you’re not surprised. Once the piece of fabric is removed he replaces his fingers with his mouth, circling his tongue around your nipple and biting on it teasingly.

His kisses start trailing down your abdomen, sucking random marks into your skin that you know will end up bruising. You buck your hips up instinctively, silently begging for him to just touch you. Placing a hand on your stomach to hold your hips down, Changbin settles in between your legs, leaving kisses on your inner thighs as he pushes your skirt up. “Changbin,” you breathe, hoping he’ll just get the hint. “Yes, doll? What is it?” he says, opting to just take your skirt off, revealing the matching panties underneath. You lay there, refusing to beg and trying to hold onto whatever resolve you had left. “I won’t know what you want unless you use your words, baby. Come on,” he says, continuing the kisses on your thighs, fingers playing with the elastic of your underwear. Huffing, you finally give in.

“Please Changbin, I need you” you begin to beg, and he looks up at you. “You need me? Need me where, baby? Here?” he says, his lips moving closer to your core but not where you truly want them. “Need your tongue on my clit. Please,” you ask quietly and he finally pulls your panties down, throwing them somewhere. “I don’t know doll, doesn’t sound like you really want it,” he chuckles, and your cheeks go red as you realize just what he wants to hear.

“Please Changbin, I need your tongue so bad. I promise I will be so good..just..just please,” you basically whine the latter half of the sentence, hoping it’ll get your point across. “Now, was that so bad?” He says and finally licks a stripe up your clit, you moan out loud at the sensation, finally getting what you want. 

Changbin is relentless, lips and tongue moving in a way that you have never experienced before. Switching from flat licks against your heat to small kitten licks against your clit. You can feel the knot in your core tighten impossibly tight, and you almost can’t take it anymore.

Changbin knows your close, and pulls away from your pussy. His lips are glistening and he looks up at you with a smile when he hears you whine. “Please Changbin don’t st-stop,” you say, feeling sad as your high ebbs away slowly. “Mm I don’t know if you deserve it, you need to be punished for how bratty you were acting earlier..you realize that acting up means punishments, don’t you doll?” He says, fingers tracing patterns into your thighs, moving closer to your core to tease you even further. “Yes sir I understand.” You say, just hoping that he’ll eventually give you what you want.

“Good. Now, you’re not allowed to come until I tell you to. Understood?” He says, moving back to your clit. “I understand sir,” you say, throwing your head back as his tongue finally comes into contact with your core again.

Changbin edges you two, maybe three more times after that. Honestly, you stopped counting, just trying to focus on every ounce of pleasure that he’s giving you. It was truly torture. The only thoughts in your head were him, him, him, and you knew he was set on making sure that wasn’t going to change any time soon. At this point he already has two fingers inside of you, and you’re sure you’re going to explode until Changbin slows his ministrations at the last moment, edging you for the fourth time. He trails his fingers to your mouth. “Open,” he says and you immediately comply, cleaning his fingers off and sucking on them once for good measure.

“Are you ready for me, baby?” he asks, taking his jeans and underwear off, leaving the both of you completely naked. You nod your head furiously. “What’s your color doll? I need to make sure you’re okay with this,” he says as he runs the head of his cock through your folds. “Green, Sir fuck, just plea-” your sentence is cut off with a moan as Changbin finally pushes himself into you, going slowly to let you adjust. Once he’s bottomed out he leans forward to capture your lips in a kiss. Once the slight sting of the stretch has dissipated, the fire igniting in you grows stronger and you move your hips, signaling to him that you’re okay.

Changbin pulls all the way out and slams back in, your eyes rolling into the back of your head almost instantly. The drag of his cock against your walls is enough to have you seeing stars, finally satiating all of your desires. He sets a rough and steady pace, and it’s hard to keep yourself together. The room is filled with a mix of sounds; skin slapping against each other, your breathy whines and a grunt from Changbin every so often.

“Look at you doll, taking me so well. You were really made for my cock weren’t you? All mine to ruin and destroy.” he says in your ear, one hand going around your throat and applying slight pressure. It’s bringing you closer to the edge and Changbin knows it, snaking his free hand down to your body to rub harsh circles on your clit. “Go ahead baby, cum for me, let the whole house know who’s making you feel this good” He says as his pace quickens. 

His permission was all you needed, the knot coiling tight and finally breaking. Your vision goes white, and your legs are shaking as your orgasm finally washes over you, stronger than ever due to the four denied orgasms you’ve already had tonight. “Oh my god, Changbin,” you repeat over and over, riding out your high as he continues his rough pace. He was getting close too, the feeling of you contracting around his cock bringing him to the edge. He pulls out and flips you around, helping you get to your hands and knees before he inserts himself in you once again, the new position letting him fuck you harder than before. 

“I’m almost there baby, you think you can cum for me one more time?” he says with a grunt. You’re still sensitive from your first orgasm and you can definitely feel a second one approaching, babbling nonsense as Changbin starts to lose control. His thrusts become more erratic, and his hand is around your throat again, pulling you close to him as he fucks you into the mattress. 

Your second orgasm washes over you and the only thing you know how to say is his name. The feeling of your own orgasm finally pushes him over the edge too, groaning as he spills into you and helps you both ride out your highs. Once you’ve calmed down he pulls out of you, and you both fall to the mattress. 

Changbin pulls you into his arms, bringing your back against his chest, just how it was when you first met him earlier in the night. “That, was…” you say,  “Amazing.” Changbin finishes your sentence for you and it makes you giggle. Snuggling into you a little closer, you hear him laugh under his breath.

“I know this is a little backwards, but I was wondering if you’d let me take you to dinner tomorrow,” he says hesitantly. You turn around in his hold and place a gentle kiss to his cheek. “I..would love that, Changbin.” you say right before you succumb to the desire to sleep. The last thing you remember is a kiss on your forehead.

Your dreams seem to be filled with him, and when you wake up the next morning, seeing him bathed in the soft morning light, you feel content for the first time in a long time. And you welcome the change. 

Maybe Seo Changbin is all that special, and then some.

[silvysartfulness]

Omg I saw that you used to write for the assassin’s creed fandom and honestly what a throwback 😭 are they on livejournal?

Aahhh, this is the part where I have to admit, I don't think I ever put any of those drabbles online! It was more a fun thing me and wife used to do, writing very very short 5 minute one-shots based on single word-prompts.

Oh, wait! Apparently I actually still have them, in an old folder of mine! Will post under a cut. These are AC 1-3-brotherhood, primarily focused on the latter.

La Volpe/Cesare post the fall of the Borgia was my main rarepair ship in that fandom, so that's the main (if occasionally only implied) focus for a lot of these. (CW some dubcon/non-con under the cut, so be warned.) 😊

1 Unwillingness

It goes against everything he is, a greater challenge than any battlefield taken on. Snarling, eyes blazing his defiance, Cesare submits for now.

2 Memento

”Something to remember me by,” murmurs Volpe softly against the sensitive skin of his neck, and it's all Cesare can do not to yelp as those vicious teeth leave a bleeding gash in his ear.

3 Baseline

He still doesn't trust Machiavelli, Volpe muses, and it's equally clear Machiavelli doesn't trust him. Perhaps their shared love of secrecy is the one dependent thing about their relationship.

4 Sniper

He has shot guards from rooftops, towers, horseback, beams and the treacherous crumbling tops of ancient stone pillars. So why was it, muses Ezio afterward, that he hadn't even thought of pulling crossbow or gun out as his sworn enemies held their short council in the courtyard a few measly yards below his feet?

5 Birthplace

It is in Masyaf the order of Assassins was born into what it is now. Searching for answers Ezio sets out on the longest journey of his life, back to the beginning of all.

6 Denunciation

It is hard to remember what it was like to have faith, Cesare thinks, but easy to remember when it was lost. What God could ever work through the instrument that was Alexander VI, his father?

7 Distaste

”Volpe, you didn't!” Ezio exclaims, his face a mask of distaste. Volpe smirks.

”Oh, it was not at all bad. Cesare is well trained.”

Ezio shudders. ”That is exactly what bothers me!”

8 Elimination

Constantly, frustratingly one step behind, it is little Cesare can do as his allies are meticulously taken out by the Assassins one by one. And yet it is not until the last of those on his side willingly turn their backs on him that he realizes this battle is lost.

9 Bluntness

”You can do as I say,” says the master thief matter-of-factly, turning the vial of antidote over in his spindly fingers, ”or you can spend the night dying slowly while vomiting your innards all over the floor. The choice is yours.”

Pale with fury Cesare chooses to live.

10 Turf

The Assassins had been myth, legend, bed-time stories to frighten a young boy already afraid of the dark. But as they dealt an all but deadly blow to his father inside the Vatican itself, Cesare grimly declares war. Roma is his city, and all who oppose his rule must be swiftly and mercilessly dealt with.

11 Assassination

He burns for the ideals, fights the fight with passion and utter devotion. But when Shaun's shaking hands lower the suddenly impossibly heavy gun he knows something he'dnever even thought about (Innocence? Compassion? Humanity?) has perished as surely as that very first body at his feet.

12 Apprentice

He remembers a gangly youth skidding across slippery roof tiles, trying so hard to keep up and even harder to hide his inability to do so. La Volpe silently studies Il Mentore and considers he's no longer sure who would lead the way across the rooftops.

13 Debris

Ezio swears as the ceiling collapses over the bed he shared with Caterina until moments ago – his armor and weapons are buried in the rubble and will be hard to replace. He does not yet know they will be the least of his losses this day.

14 Scolding

Altaïr has never been one to accept blame or criticism for his actions, but something about the way Malik's not-there left arm twitches as to shake a not-there fist in his face as the man speaks makes him look away in hidden shame.

15 Torrent

The rain pours down over the city, making roofs and cobblestones alike wet and slippery. Volpe tugs his collar tighter around his shoulders against the biting cold and idly contemplates if a trip to the Castello would be worth the trouble.

16 Anchor

He cheats and steals and tells honeyed lies with the ease of a snake. But his eyes can be oceans and his touch velvet – sometimes Ezio wonders if his always restless, inspiration-ridden friend keeps Salai around just to remember what it's like to be human.

17 Truce

”It would be nice,” says Machiavelli evenly, ”if you would not so readily name yourself judge, jury and executioner the next time you fall victim to unfounded suspicion.”

”Fine,” mutters Volpe, frowning. ”It would be niceif you were not so secretive. And stop trying to steal my spies. Get your own.”

”Fine,” Machiavelli replies with a minute smirk.

Fellowship is knowing just when your brother-in-arms is lying.

18 Nook

There are many unknown and unseen hiding places among the rooftops of Florence. On his back, hair plastered against his face and hot breath against his ear, Giovanni concludes it's very handy that La Volpe always knows to find one when you need it.

19 Orgy

These parties are more to his father's tastes than his his, Cesare firmly tells himself, perhaps letting his eyes linger thoughtfully on the multitude of courtesans a moment longer than intended. Then a familiar slender hand grazes his thigh and he is reminded that the only person even close to matching his own schemes, cunning and skill is the woman on the throne next to his.

20 Scoff

”I spend all my time in the Animus,” Desmond frowns, ”Lucy's keeping an eye on Abstergo and Rebecca... hacks and stuff. What do youdo, really? Anyone could use, what, Google and Wikipedia?”

Shaun grins or at least bares his teeth.

”You mean Templar Central One and Two? No, it's called obtaining knowledge, Desmond - sifted like little gold nuggets of fact from the vast sands of ignorance you're so fond of burying your head in. Google can't help you there, I'm afraid.”

21 Scolding

At the time, Ezio always figured Giovanni's constant nagging and pleading with him to stay out of trouble was only the worrying of an overprotective father. Only later was he taught discretion was part of the ancient Assassin's creed. He never got very good at it, even so.

22 Bonfire

No-one is entirely sure why Julius II has tempered justice with mercy for now and opted for his enemy's imprisonment rather than death sentence. As far as la Volpe is concerned, the way Cesare goes pale whenever the topic is brought up is at least good for entertainment.

23 Nakedness

Being exposed holds no particular shame for him, but the walls and floor are freezing to the touch, draining precious warmth from his aching body. Now would be a prudent time for an accursed thief to show up with a blanket to bargain for.

24 Arbiter

It was funny, Machiavelli drily noted in his notebook, how God and Divine Justice so often were on the side of the biggest army with the sharpest swords.

25 Purgatory

The land burns, smoke choking the sky and tinting the sun a sickly shade of blood. It is with a cold and unfamiliar sense of foreboding Cesare hurries through the flames toward the towering walls of the fortress to escape this hell on earth – one way or another.

26 Fingernail

Ezio has more than his fair share of scars adorning his hardened body, some remembered more fondly than others. He would never dream to ask Caterina to trim her nails, or use them just a touch more carefully.

27 Slavery

The Creed dictates freedom of thought, and in his reckless youth Altaïr would use it as justification for any rash impulse. But the older he grows, the more he comes to realize freedom and all its crushing responsibility can be the harshest master of all.

28 Carnivore

When confronted on his nasty habit of biting, Volpe only grins and quips something about foxes and their nature. Cesare is tempted to snap he's often seen dirty foxes prowling the back streets for garbage, but can see where Volpe would go with that, and so holds his tongue.

29 Bluntness

Ezio is too flustered after his mother's blunt request he find other outlets than vaginas to realize the enthusiastic young artist at his side seems more than eager to offer a few suggestions on the particular subject.

30 Vow

He will live, Cesare vows. He will live, he will regain his freedom, his power and his army. At any cost. And then they will. All. Pay.

31 Blending

It was simply not fair, thought Machiavelli, that no matter how solid your acting, no matter how meticulousyour disguise, Volpe would immediately spot you in a crowd and grin at you. Clearly spying on the sly old fox called for more cunning means, he conceded as he made his way to the Rosa to shamelessly bribe Claudia for information.

32 Misconduct

“Not that we are in any particular hurry to the Castello,” Orsini says, the knuckles of his war-gauntlet quite pleasantly buried in Cesare's face, “but things would just be easier all around if you would stop squirming and came quietly.”

33 Ultimatum

“If you don't stop hogging my mp3-player,” Rebecca whispers softly in Shaun's ear, “I'll tell Lucy exactly whatyou and Desmond used her yoghurts for last night.”

34 Takeover

“Stop!” Lucrezia commands as the soldiers feed the paintings to the fire – already the image of a swan is crackling and fading to black amongst the flames. Such a waste of beauty. She hasn't even realized Cesare is standing behind her, fierce and bloodied after the battle, until he speaks.

“You like them?”

She nods, and he touches her cheek with a smile, careful not to stain her hair.

“Then they are yours. A memento of the day the Assassini fell.”

35 Afterlife

“I blame you for this,” says Cesare flatly as the imps re-heat the lake of boiling tar. Again. “There is no God, you said. No heaven and no hell, you said. Stupid old bastard.”

Rodrigo mutters something about Hell being other people, but will have to concede that in this trifling matter, yes, he was mistaken.

36 Distaste

He would rather be hated than forgotten, Cesare sullenly thinks, rubbing his stiff hands for warmth. Bony, filthy, with the matted long hair of a hermit falling into his face, he has to settle for the guards' contempt. At least it's better than pity.

37 Slavery

He isn't really paid, Leonardo thinks, merely kept alive, yes. Not really compensated as such. And so the construction of the intricate war-machines is really on the consciences of his masters, not his. Sting of guilt quenched he returns to the blueprints with renewed fevered enthusiasm.

38 Probation

“What's the catch”, asks Cesare with deepest suspicion.

“No catch,” Volpe assures, looking innocent. “Just a reward for your recent good behaviour. Keep it up and there may a meal and a hot bath in it for you, too.”

Cesare does not for a moment believe they are just going out 'to stretch their legs', but a meal does sound inviting. He follows.

39 Adversity

Ezio strongly disapproved of the idea of his little sister taking over the Rosa in Fiore, and he frankly can't say whether he is more disappointed or proud when it flourishes under her care.

40 Bluntness

“You are a thief,” Machiavelli growls, piqued into a rare display of anger. “A liar and a cheat and an honourless thief!”

Volpe grins.

“All those things. And I'm still better than you.”

41 Scheming

Ezio gave the Apple to Mario, who had it stolen by Cesare, who gave it to Leonardo, who found it plucked out of his helpless hands by the Pope and his daughter. He ponders life was easier when he was just a painter. The Apple is a thing of awe, but the intrigues in its wake make his head hurt.

42 Favorite

It wasn't that Cesare particularly hated his older brother. It was just that while he no longer childishly sought his father's approval, the position as the Pope's favorite son came with several practical perks. Unfortunately for Juan, that meant he simply had to go.

43 Truce

When things are civilized, they can be bearable, almost even pleasant. The food is good, the wine plentiful, and Volpe's skilled fingers all but gentle. An unspoken truce, no matter how temporary. But neither man ever forgets the truth, which is war.

44 Scour

They answer to no-one, self-proclaimed executioners beyond all law. Too much blood on their hands now. Just before sunrise Cesare gives the command to attack. The cleansing of Monteriggioni has begun.

45 Extrovert

To hold his own council and play his cards close to his heart has always been his way, and he knowshe is a master at his game. And yet, Machiavelli can grudgingly admit to himself, it isn't until the boisterous chaos in human guise that is Ezio bursts in on the Roman scene that he begins to see how they will win this war.

46 Protagonist

“I will avenge the cowardly, treacherous plot against my father,” he thinks. “I will root out all those involved, every single one, and I will kill them and all they stand for.”

No-one ever sets out to be a hero, only to do what is right.

For Cesare, the path ahead is clear.

47 Willpower

It is never easy. Every time Altaïr visits his (his!) bureau in Jerusalem, Malik has to struggle with himself not to slay the man in his sleep. On many a moonlit night, only a lifetime of discipline stays the blade in his white-knuckled hand.

But strangely, it does get easier over time.

48 Esacalation

At first it had been mere proof of his ability to go anywhere in Roma as well he pleased, the taunting and impotent rage in response a given bonus. After some time, forced still-furious intimacy gained through blackmail had appeared a logical step. Then force turned out redundant. As Cesare clings to him, nails biting into his arms and teeth bared with need, Volpe admits to himself he would never have suspected the caged Borgia would so willingly use him to sate his desires – nor the other way around.

49 Torrent

Raw grief fades over time, a broken heart healed into a dull ache. The thing that keeps Claudia from sleeping at night is not all she has lost, but her screaming frustration at not being able to take her fate, and that of those responsible, into her own hands.

50 Danger

The peaceful life he had envisioned just the evening before will have to wait, Ezio grimly decides, pressing a hand to his wounded shoulder and focusing on not falling off his horse. And despite the shock, grief and pain, it somehow feels right. He has lived this life so long, he isn't sure he remembers how not to.

51 Splattering

Leonardo likes to buy birds at the market and set them free, watching with dreaming eyes as they take to the endless sky. Once, Ezio surprises his friend with twenty white doves. Much belatedly he wishes he'd remembered that stressed pigeons prefer to lighten their load before taking off.

52 Ramification

“It is time you take responsibility for your actions,” Rodrigo snarls, and Cesare struggles with the impulse to scream, childishly, “But father, younever did!”

53 Concession

“I'm not sure we should...”

Lover and Thief, silhouettes in the dark, alone. A light touch.

“Come now. It will be good, I promise.”

“But, what if...”

“Ssh. Are we not both Assassins? Everything is permitted.”

His honed thief's nerves tingling with foreboding warnings, La Volpe allows Claudia to persuade him in the end, knowing Ezio will probably kill him, and that it will no doubt be worth it.

54 Leer

You can't even seehis face in the shadows beneath the cowl. And yet, Volpe just standing there outside the bars, nonchalantly leaning one hand against the wall, makes Cesare want to scream. Or punch him hard. Preferably both.

55 Whisper

Ezio reflects that there are few other voices he would instantly recognize by just a short, urgent uttering of his name. His hesitation to turn around stems not from uncertainty, but the childish wish to postpone the trial of his oldest friend's rumored treason just a few moments longer.

56 Absurdity

At first Ezio had felt confused, then worried and finally terrified. But as they've fled Florence and the man introducing himself as uncle Mario tells him that his family belongs to an ancient clan of legendary assassins, relief washes over him. Finally is clear it has all been an insane dream. He can't wait to wake up.

57 Experimentation

Leonardo da Vinci is a true genius, his brilliant mind always seeing the world through a lens of wonder. Nothing escapes his never-sated curiosity – but that a small poseable wooden mannequin could be used like that? Cesare is a man not easily impressed, but will have to admit the artist rarely fails to amaze.

58 Farewell

It is with uncharacteristic kindness Volpe kisses him, between shared gasps for air after their final tryst. A last goodbye before the approaching dawn will see Cesare on his way to exile in Spain.

”Growing sentimental, old fox?” the younger man scoffs at him. ”No need. I shall return soon enough, and repaint the walls of Roma with Assassin blood.”

Volpe just smiles. He has already helped Ezio prepare his own journey and knows with certainty that Cesare will never again return to Rome.

59 Turf

”Maybe Giovanni could get away with doing paperwork all day over in Florence,” Mario says, and his tone clearly states what he thinks about his brother's choice. ”But arround here we train Assassins, not accountants or delivery boys.”

Ezio's body has never ached as much in his life as it does after his first day of training with his uncle.

60 Smoothness

When she smiles her deep red lips are like tantalizing rose petals, framed by sun-ray golden hair. She is smooth, flawless, perfect. But every rose has its thorns, and Lucrezia's are laden with poison.

61 Kneeling

Every fiber of Ezio's body strains desperately to regain control as he jerks like a puppet on golden strings of light.

”You are lucky,” breathes Rodrigo in a low, husky growls, leaning hard on the staff after the battle, ”So verylucky, little Assassin, that I am in a hurry.”

As the dagger sinks into his guts, Ezio briefly thinks that indeed, it could have been so much worse.

62 Purgatory

The imps don't know whether to feel amused or put out that the screaming, flailing argument between father and son has by now escalated to the point they don't even seem to register the lake of boiling tar anymore. A bit of respect for good solid workmanship, is that too much to ask?

63 Lick

It has to be said in favour of Machiavelli's assassin reflexes that the unexpected lick at his ear out of the dark earns Volpe neither a jump or a shriek but a rapid fist to the nose.

Only half an hour later, safely home in his bedroom, does Niccolo allow himself to contemplate what might have otherwise transpired.

64 Bonfire

It is a sad thing, reflects Ezio in hindsight, older, wiser, that compared to all the priceless art and knowledge fed to fire during Savonarola's mad reign of Florence, the mere loss of a human life that ended it is remembered with little sense of loss or revulsion.

65 Last

After Mario's death, Ezio has felt the weight of being the last Auditore Assassin ever heavier on his shoulders. But as he watches Claudia fearlessly take her leap of faith, he wonders how he could ever have been blind enough to think himself alone.

66 Well

The guards in hot pursuit yell and stab at wells, haystacks and dark alleyways. From his perch on a rooftop Ezio smiles. He always did prefer to take to the sky.

67 Wrongdoer

As his support falters and the opposition grows ever bolder, Cesare becomes increasingly frustrated with their attacks and accusations. He would prefer to answer only for his own sins, not those of his dead father.

68 Deliberate

It really is getting unnerving, decides Machiavelli, the way Volpe has taken up the habit of commenting on his every observation with a frosty ”Indeed” or ”Yes, quitethe coincidence”. He wishes he could believe the man isn't doing it on purpose.

69 Counter

When he first arrives in Jerusalem, Altaïr can't quite shake the feeling that the only thing between him and certain death is a rather narrow, map-strewn desk.

70 Bribe

Cesare has always been good at striking a profitable bargain. Unfortunately Borgia as a currency is bitterly deflated, and these days he often have to sell himself too cheap for comfort. Even though it isa warm, snug blanket.

71 Chess

Cesare knows he is a brilliant strategist – not so much because of the expected praise from his subordinates as from the satisfactory number of pins currently adorning his map of Italy. He would like to believe himself modest in this, careful not allow hubris to cheat him of a victory. And yet he never knows whether to frown or laugh helplessly as the absent-minded artist all but appologetically check-mates his king time and time and time again.

72 Feel

Leonardo never knows how to feel when Cesare enters the room. At first he is apprehensive, but as weeks turn into months and he realizes he's not only allowed but encouraged to dream up grander designs than ever before he is thrilled.

In the end, seeing the Assassins' plans put into motion long before Cesare even knows the final battle has begun, he can only avert his eyes in regret.

73 Mister

”Outside the kingdom of God is the realm of men,” Salai says, leaning just an inch too close. ”You worship there, Messere?”

Only years of training his clueless look on Leonardo helps Ezio keep a straight face as he blankly waves for the boy to follow him.

74 Fine

There are simply too many guards around for a discreet kill, so Ezio grudlingly counts the florins and hands them over. How was heto know he wasn't allowed to park his horse there? Time to liberate another stable from its Borgia-tower shadow, he decides. Burning them all down is easier than keeping track of territories anyway.

75 Dog

If La Volpe is the fox and Ezio the bird of prey, Pantasilea ponders, then Bartolomeo reminds her of a large, lumbering dog. Faithful and loyal unto death, but with a booming bark and a vicious bite for those who threaten those dear to him.

76 Forgotten

When Volpe appears he is the first person Cesare has seen in days. He greets the thief with his usual brazen curses, careful not to let any trace of relief shine through. Of all things he is most afraid to be left alone to die; not slain out of hatred or need, but simply ignored and forgotten.

77 Changed

Had Ezio been the kind of man to think upon such things, he might have noticed the Cesare facing him atop the towering walls is not the self-assured young general he met a handful years previous in Roma. Tired-looking and hunched over he looks defeated even before the battle has begun. But Ezio is here for one single purpose alone, and has never been the kind of man to think of such things anyway.

78 Gondola

Antonio assures Leonardo that only from an extensive tour with his private gondola will the artist truly get to know his new home town. As it happens, a rocky two-hour boat ride later, Leonardo still hasn't really seen much of the city. But that's quite alright, as he happily agrees to repeat the endeavour soon again.

79 Casino

It never hurts to try to win Fortuna's favour when gambling is one of your favorite pastimes, Salai knows, but in this particular case divine intervention is quite a bit closer at hand. As long as you have La Volpe's favor, the dice at the Sleeping Fox will never let you down.

80 Soup

The first bowl of watery gruel ends up thrown in the guard's face with enough force to break his nose. The next morning the second splinters against the wall. Nearly a week passes before he forces himself to eat the fifth, to preserve his strength.

Cesare closes his eyes as he quickly raises the bowl to his face to wolf down the hundredth, before the reflection in the dull surface can show him what he has become.

81 Carrot

”Tell you what,” murmurs Volpe in the starving prisoner's ear, dangling the vegetable in front of his face, ”If you give me a good enough show I'll even let you keep it for supper when you're done.”

82 Madame

Volpe has to admit himself impressed – Claudia is shrewd, ruthless and horrifyingly practical, and stillmanages to be praised a good businesswoman rather than cursed a thief.

83 Kilt

Yes, Ezio decides as he flexes his body inside the unfamiliar weight of Romulus' armour, there is definitely a draft around his nether regions. Whatever the old Romans may have thought, a skirt of leather belts does notconstitute proper clothing.

After some swearing and creative arranging of his spare cloak he considers it may well look even moreof a skirt, but at least this cut preserves his manly dignity when he jumps.

84 Theft

He has stolen valuables, information, people and lives. La Volpe draws in a deep breath as he surveys Roma in the first light of morning, then exhales in satisfaction. She is the greatest city in the world, and she is all his for the taking.

[goodfish-bowl]

Red

DP Side Hoes Week Saturday Prompt  Valerie - Hero

I’m a bit late with this one, but I was determined to finish. I also have all the other ones finally up on my AO3 if you want to find all of them easier. ust been a bit busy the past week. 

Summary: Valerie finally manages to capture Phantom after a particularly brutal fight with Skulker.

Warnings: there’s blood and gore, I did a thing, you’ve been warned

Words: 1547 (longest one)

AO3 link

Valerie had always fancied herself a hero. Not like Phantom, but a true hero who saw things as they actually were. Ghosts were destructive and cruel, maybe not always evil, but the world would be better off without them in the long run. The dead should stay dead, and she was merely helping them get there. She, Valerie, the Red Huntress, had always been a hero in her own head. But right now, holding an ecto-rifle to the back of Phantom’s head while he struggled to even remain conscious, she didn’t feel like one.

         Phantom’s green ectoplasm was smeared and leaking all over both the alley and himself. The fight with Skulker had been a rough one, and Phantom could barely move, arms tightly clutched over his bleeding wounds. His aura was dim and wavered in and out, but the sheen of ectoplasm was brighter than ever, especially since he had lost much more than a person who was bleeding out reasonably could. It’s matted his hair, coagulating like blood, and healing his body so fast she could see the skin slowly creep close on some of his more minor wounds. But his ankle was broken, and some of those deeper gashes would be closed in a couple of hours, even at the rate he was healing. Phantom was weak at the moment. Skulker was currently sitting in Phantom’s stolen thermos. It was just him and her right now.  

         Valerie didn’t hold the same views on ghosts as the Fenton’s did. She knew ghosts could feel, some had once been human. They felt pain, or at least imagined it. If they believed they were supposed to be in pain, then they were. Ghosts were creatures of subconsciousness, based on their own former consciousness, melded together by ectoplasm. Not all of them were evil either, some, like Phantom, had good intentions, but still brought destruction with them nonetheless. Phantom thought he was a hero, or he acted like it, and never seemed to acknowledge the extent of the destruction he had brought onto Amity Park. To Valerie, it made everything so difficult. It would’ve been easier if Phantom was malicious, but he was a ghost who didn’t know better. Who was he to care about the state of the living? This was why she had to look out for the people of Amity Park and get rid of the ghosts no matter their intentions.

         Valerie hadn’t earned this. Here she had the biggest threat to Amity Park, right at gunpoint and weakened where he wouldn’t be able to fight back. But she hadn’t been the one to bring him to this point, she hadn’t earned her revenge against Phantom, but her feelings were irrelevant in the grander aspect. She needed to get rid of him if she was to make Amity safe again, so she could be the hero Amity deserved.

         Phantom’s breathing shuddered, whether out of fear or pain, she didn’t know. Phantom didn’t need to breathe, but he did so anyway because he believed he needed to. Valerie often wondered about this strange ghost, who looked to be her own age, “protected” Amity and all of its residents and regularly got the shit beat out of him by both her and other ghosts alike. What made him so different? Was it a territory thing? Obsession?

         “Hey, Red, nice night we’re having, huh?” Phantom quipped, voice wavering.

         He was scared. Scared and injured, yet he still spoke.

         “It is, actually. There’s a nice breeze, the night is crisp, and I have a ghost at the end of my rifle. Nothing could make this night any sweeter,” Valerie returned.

         “About that… can we do this another time? I’m a bit tired at the moment, but I promise I won’t ghost you next time.” And there was the pun. God, she hated those stupid puns.

         “Sorry, Phantom. No can do. I’ve got a quota to fill tonight.”

         Phantom swayed a bit, wavering where he knelt and went to look at her, but a nudge from her weapon stopped him. There was a moment of silence before either of them spoke again. Valerie was waiting, she knew she was, she just didn’t know for what. She had so many questions for Phantom, and he was in no place to refuse any of them, yet she couldn’t bring herself to say them.

         “Well, if you’re going to shoot me, Red, you might as well do it soon, I would prefer it if you did. This silence is killing me.” Phantom said.

         There was another moment, then “Why?”

         If he had been facing her, Valerie imagined he was raising one of his eyebrows. “You’re going to have to be more specific than that, Red.”

         “Why are you like this? You quip and make jokes when you’ve had the shit beaten out of you, even when I’m holding a gun to your head, Phantom. You’re hated here in Amity, you know that, but yet you still come back and getting the shit beaten out of you. So, Why?”

         Phantom let out a long exhale, and his shoulders sagged, he turned to face her, and she didn’t stop him this time. He had healing cuts on his face alongside green bruises. He would’ve had a black eye had he been human. He was healing fast though; he’d be able to escape if she delayed much longer. But his eyes, windows to the soul, and from the look in them, he had one. She could see guilt, pain, misery, and most of all, regret.

         “Because this is all my fault. If you’re going to kill me, then do it soon, and have the Fenton’s close the portal, and most of the ghosts will leave,” he said, tone low but his eyes challenged her to do it, but Phantom looked so sad.

         “How is this your fault?” It was a demand, definitely not a question. She didn’t want to make him feel better, not after what he had done to Amity, not what he had done to her. But why would Amity’s whole ghost problem be his fault?

         “I’m the one who turned on the portal.”

         Oh… that made sense. Nothing happened in Amity before the Fenton’s portal had powered up, it was the beginning of it all, and Phantom had been one of the first ghosts spotted.

         Valerie remained quiet for a minute, contemplating, and watching Phantom deal with his own injuries, his gaze no longer meeting hers. Guilt, that’s what drives him. But it was all his fault. And now, she could fix it all. She could get revenge. She could save Amity Park. She could prove to herself that she was a hero. Valier powered up the ecto-rifle and removed the barrel from directly against Phantom’s head. She saw Phantom stiffen, preparing for his own doom.

Rage bubbled up in her gut. Of course, this was all his fault, it always had been. Phantom had a habit of ruining lives, hers included. He deserved this for what he’d done, not just to her, but all of Amity Park.

         Valerie steeled herself and the rifle matched her emotions, red hot. She waited no time pulling the trigger this time. Phantom made a vain attempt to escape, launching himself into the air like a rocket, but the crimson energy blasted him in the small of his back, knocking him clean out of the air and into the brick of the alley. He didn’t get up this time.

         Valerie let out a shaky breath. Of course, just when she was ready to put Phantom out of his obvious misery, he would attempt to bolt, because she had waited too long. But that rifle could dissipate low-level ghosts with one semi-clean hit and usually severely injured anything higher without armor. At nearly point-blank, Valerie was surprised it hadn’t blown straight through him, but it nearly had. The wound was already pooling ectoplasm, and a chunk of his back the size of a fist was gorged from his back, just left of his spine. He was out cold. It wouldn’t end a ghost, but a wound like that would put him down for a while, but she might as well finish her job for the night.

         Valerie stood over Phantom and charged up a second shot. A bright white ring burst around Phantom’s waist, blinding her. It split across him and took with it Phantom’s glow. His colors had inversed on themselves, white hair to black, jumpsuit replaced by a quickly stained shirt that once had been white, and sickly pale skin. He was bleeding red, not green. She had no idea what happened but… it wasn’t like anything she had ever seen. Phantom had transformed into someone, someone who at least from her current view if he hadn’t been covered in his own blood and ectoplasm, would’ve been human.

         Valerie nudged him gently with her boot, ecto-rifle in her hands just in case this was just another one of Phantom’s tricks. He didn’t respond, so Valerie turned him over to see his face and was staring at the boy known as Danny Fenton, who looked like he was seconds away from death.

She no longer felt anything like a hero as much as she did a murderer.

[stahlop]

Making a Memory (6/?)

I hope everyone is still alive after chapter 5. We still don't get everyone back together yet, but things are happening that will make Killian and Emma question what is real.

Thanks again to my betas @profdanglaisstuff​ and @thisonesatellite​. This chapter did not want to be written and they helped get me going in the right direction.

Don't forget to check out the banner artwork for this on my Tumblr by @gingerchangeling​.

Chapter 1 2 3 4 5

Ao3

Henry waited nervously on the outdoor patio of Chantey’s Lobster House. Leaving his sisters at their campsite had been hard. Alice had been in tears after he finished reading the epilogue of his story, knowing that it was the truth. Knowing the sacrifice their parents had made for them to defeat an evil witch. Hope’s face remained stoic, with a slight smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. It was one he was familiar with, not just from her, but from their mother. He could still remember Emma showing that same face to him when he’d first brought her to Storybrooke and tried to convince her that magic was real and everyone was cursed. Never in his lifetime had he thought he’d have to do it twice (well, three times if he counted the Black Fairy’s curse). 

 He was nervous. It had been a long time since he’d seen his parents together, and yes, he considered Killian to be his father. Even if they hadn’t gotten to be a family for long before Gothel’s curse, Killian had always been there for him, even before he’d officially started dating his mother. Henry couldn’t even imagine seeing him with no recognition in his face. And he really didn’t want his ire for essentially kidnapping Killian’s daughter, even if she was technically his sister. 

 He saw Killian’s Jeep pull into the parking lot, but it took them a while to exit the vehicle, which made Henry even more nervous. Were they crafting battle plans in there? Were they arguing about him? Maybe they were already noticing that spark and making out in the car. Ew. That was not an image Henry wanted to think about, although, that would make things much easier if they already liked each other. 

 When they finally emerged from the vehicle, Henry’s nerves ramped up threefold. He’d been thinking about this moment for the past, almost twelve years. From the moment they had left Storybrooke and he realized that his memories were still intact. At first he couldn’t understand why he’d retained his memories. He knew instantly that his mother hadn’t, as she started rambling on about a fresh new start in Boston. That she hoped taking him out of New York, away from the memories of Neal was okay, because she really needed this. It was only a few weeks later that the compulsion to write had seized him, after a particularly funny adventure involving Hope and the neighbor’s dog, that he realized that being the Author is what had left him with his memories. Since the Author was an outsider and had to write the stories down, he wouldn’t be affected by the curse. He’d never been so relieved to be the Author in his life.

 Henry sheepishly raised his hand to wave hello to his parents as they came closer to the patio. Henry noticed that Emma was looking pale. Killian looked as though he hadn’t slept well. He didn’t blame them. He had taken his sisters without permission. But it’s the only way he thought to himself.

 They both reached the table rather quickly. Henry started to rise to greet them, but Emma gave him a small, almost imperceptible look, that she usually reserved for when he was in deep trouble, so he sat back down again. He almost felt like a kid again under that stare. Killian didn’t look as murderous as Henry thought he might, so that gave him hope that they could have a civil conversation. 

 “I’ll grab us some food.” Killian said softly, barely brushing Emma’s shoulder as he headed toward the shack to put in his order. Henry hoped he’d get something for him as well. He’d been too nervous to eat the Pop Tarts he’d bought the girls for breakfast. Alice had been delighted, saying she’d always wanted to try them, and how her Papa wouldn’t consider them a nutritional breakfast. Hope had just taken one in silence, but gave a small smile, a thank you to Henry for buying her the S’mores flavor, which was her favorite.

 The second Killian got in line for the food Emma was on him. “Did you know?” she asked, practically in tears. He wasn’t sure what reaction he was going to get from his mom, but this wasn’t it. 

 “Did I know about what?” Henry asked, confused about the question, because he would’ve thought she would ask about Hope before anything else.

 “About this place?” She looked nervous, more nervous than Henry’s ever seen her in his life, and he’s seen her face many evil villains. Henry’s look must convey his confusion. “That this was the place I was taken to when I was found as a baby?” 

 Henry’s face immediately felt flushed. “I...I’m sorry, Mom, I...I didn’t know.” He felt like the biggest idiot on the planet. He’d chosen this place due to its proximity to Storybrooke. He’d never known she’d come out from the wardrobe just miles from where the Enchanted Forest denizens had been transported. No wonder she looked close to tears.

 They sat in silence until Killian arrived back with a tray of multiple red baskets of food. He placed them on the center of the table along with some plasticware, napkins, and some bottles of water. Emma looked impressed at his ability to carry it all with only one functioning hand. Killian took a seat and looked at Emma, checking to see if she was alright. She nodded, and Henry wonders what occurred on their trip up here for them to already have that married conversation-in-their-heads thing happening.

 “So, young man.” Killian said sternly, while trying to unfold a napkin and place it in his lap. Henry almost laughed, considering how thin the napkins were and how much they don’t want to come apart, but he kept a straight face because he knew this wasn’t a funny situation. “Are we getting an explanation for this little abduction of yours, or are you here to ask for a ransom?” He said it seriously, but Henry detected a bit of his old joviality. Emma put her head in her hands while Henry grabbed a hushpuppy from the food in front of him and stuffed it in his mouth to suppress a smile.

 “Henry, what could have possessed you to take your sister and Killian’s daughter out of camp?” Emma asked, concerned. Henry can see the worry in her eyes, like she’s the one who messed up somehow. 

 “Look,” Henry took a gulp of water to wash the rest of the food down. “It was inevitable once the girls met that they would have questions, so they called me.”

 “And you have the answers,” Killian said. It was not a question. Henry nodded.

 “What answers, Henry?” He could see his mother was trying to hold it together, be the stoic woman she always was. Hiding behind her walls. He wanted to reach out and soothe her like she had him for so many years, but he couldn’t. He had to be strong right now, he had to get them to understand, and he couldn’t do that if he had to comfort his mother as well.

 “If you haven’t made the connection already, Hope and Alice look identical.” Both Emma and Killian nodded. “And it’s not some weird doppelganger situation where they just happen to look alike.” He paused, taking a deep breath. This reveal for the girls had been so much easier over the phone. “Hope and Alice are sisters. They’re twins.”

 Both Emma and Killian stared at him, like the words that he had said didn’t make any sense, and he supposed they didn’t. He quickly continued.

 “Your memories have been altered. Mom,” he said, finally taking her hand. “I know you think Neal is Hope’s father, but he was dead way before she was ever conceived. And Killian,” Henry turned toward him. “I know you think Milah was Alice’s mother, but she’s not. She hasn’t been around for a very long time.” Killian looked as though he wanted to shoot daggers at Henry, but didn’t say anything. “I know this is difficult to believe. It seems other-worldly, or magical, or something that is not based in reality. But it’s the truth.”

 Emma stared at Henry, her mouth gaping open, her eyes filling with tears. He wasn’t sure if it was because she believed or she thought he was insane. Maybe a little of both, most likely the second one. Killian didn’t say anything for a moment. Henry knew he was probably processing the information Henry had just told him. 

 “If who we think are the other parents in our lives aren’t, then who is Alice’s mother and Hope’s father?” Killian challenged.

 Henry gave a wide smile. “You two are. You are Hope and Alice’s parents.”

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Her son had gone insane. It was the only possible explanation for what he was telling them. How could he possibly believe that she and Killian had borne twin girls and then simply, what, forgotten about it?

 “Henry, this is completely insane.” Emma’s eyes were quickly filling with tears again. He must have had some kind of psychotic break. It was the only answer. Didn’t she read somewhere about men getting psychotic breaks in their 20’s?

 “Mom, I’m not crazy. I swear. Look.” He grabbed down into his satchel and pulled out what looked to be a picture album. Henry took a deep breath before opening it up and when he did, Emma thought she might be the one going insane.

 “These are...these are of us!” She said alarmed. She looked over at Killian who had furrowed his brow at the sight of the pictures.

 Emma stared at the pictures of a much younger her and Killian. His hair was completely dark with not a hint of silver in it. And he was wearing a hook, a real hook. Not the hooked mechanism he wore now. And there seemed to be eyeliner around his eyes. They brought out the blue in his eyes so much more. She thought she might ask him to wear it again when this whole debacle was over with.

 Whoa! Where the hell had that thought come from. After this turn of events from Henry, she wasn’t even sure what was going on anymore. She continued to turn pages, Killian sometimes stopping her to look closer at some things. There were pictures of them sitting in a diner with another couple about their age with a small child. There were pictures of them setting up a house together. Killian stopped Emma from turning pages when they came across their wedding photos. Emma thought maybe she was the one going crazy now. There she was being walked down the aisle by that same couple, as if they were giving her away. There was Killian with the widest smile on his face and Emma giving him a matching one. Emma didn’t even think she’d ever smiled that widely in her life. Not even when Henry or Hope were born.

 “We look so happy,” Killian whispered. 

 The next few pages seemed to just be of happy moments between Killian, Henry and her. There they were sailing on what looked to be a pirate ship, others were at the diner again with that same couple, another one showed her and Killian showing off badges, hers saying Sheriff Swan-Jones: Storybrooke Sheriff’s Dept and his saying Deputy Jones: Storybrooke Sheriff’s Dept.

 And then the pictures shifted to her pregnant. Every single picture had Killian touching her belly in some way. She instantly tried to recall the memories of Neal, but could only conjure a feeling of revulsion if he had tried to touch her while pregnant. Definitely not the happiness she was seeing in these photos of a happy, pregnant couple. Emma almost started crying when she saw pictures from a baby shower included in the mix. She was huge, standing under a sign that said “We can’t wait to meet you Alice and Hope!” She looked so young and carefree, Emma barely recognized herself. She looked like she was trying so hard to not smile, but the happiness just radiated off of her, she could practically feel it coming off the photo in waves.

 The pictures then skipped to a hospital. Both she and Killian holding a baby and smiling ridiculously for the camera. If Emma thought the wedding photo pictures were the widest smiles she’d ever seen, these smiles blew those pictures out of the water. Emma could see Killian tearing up next to her as he looked at a picture of him holding baby Alice in his arms. His hook was not anywhere in these pictures, just his blunted arm holding his daughter to him as if she were the most precious treasure in the world.

 There were pictures of the girls sleeping in their cribs. Pictures of a young Henry holding each girl. Family pictures of them all together, of the couple with their son, of a dark haired woman who barely cracked a smile, but seemed happy all the same. There were first baby smiles, and teeth, and food, and crawling, and steps, and all the things Emma thought she’d lost in the fire. But here it was, laid out in front of her, except that Killian was the father in these pictures and there was another identical baby.

 They came to the end of the album, the last photos showed Alice and Hope’s second birthday. It seemed like a whole town’s worth of people were celebrating with them. So many people. Emma doesn’t even think she’s known that many people in her entire life. And then it’s done.

 Both Emma and Killian looked at Henry, tears streaming down both their faces. Henry had been silent throughout the whole ordeal.

 “How….? What….? Why….?” Emma couldn’t even start to express what she wanted to say. Her brain feels like it’s been overloaded with too much information, and she still hadn’t got any answers. She wanted to know where Hope was, and she wanted to go home, pull the covers over her head, and wake up to find out this was all a bad dream.

 Emma looked over at Killian, wondering how he was dealing with all this and when had he taken her hand? She’d just realized that they were holding hands. He was holding onto her like she was an anchor keeping him tethered to the shore, and what was with the nautical thoughts? But she doesn’t take her hand away. It felt right, like they should be anchoring each other through all of, whatever this was. She’d never had someone just hold her hand and it feel so right.

 “Where did these come from, lad?” Killian tightened his grip on her hand. They both looked up at Henry expectantly.

 “They’re pictures, of your life, from before.” Henry said matter-of-factly.

 “But,” Killian takes his hand from hers, vigorously rubbing his neck, “this isn’t my life. We don’t have another life. Emma and I never met until this morning!” 

 “You just don’t remember.” Henry said calmly, almost as if he’d done this before, Emma notes. 

 “You don’t just forget a life and make up a new one!” Killian growled, slamming the photo album shut.

 Emma stared wide-eyed at both Killian and Henry. Killian was trying very hard to keep his composure while Henry smiled at them both. Emma wondered if this is what crazy felt like.

 “Ahh, there’s the pirate coming out to play.” Henry grabbed a now cold french fry from the baskets that had been moved off to the side for the album. Killian turned to him, the snarled expression that had just been on his face falling by the wayside.

 “Pirate?” He looked perplexed. “What, because of this?” He held up the apparatus on his hand. 

 “Did you not see what you used to wear there?” Henry asked, almost amused.

 “Lad,” Killan paused, taking a deep breath to calm himself, though Emma could still see his jaw ticking.”  I don’t know where those pictures came from or what you paid someone to photoshop all these, but whatever elaborate ruse you have going on here, it needs to stop! I just want to know where Alice is. And your poor mum just wants Hope back.”

 Grabbing one hand each, Henry looked at them. Remember Operation Cobra he simply said. Her arms immediately broke out in goosebumps at that phrase. A brief flash of them walking down a small town street and him taking her apple and throwing it behind her. She pulled her hand away and put both of them to her head, shaking it to try and access more of what just crossed her mind, but there’s nothing. She heard him say something that sounds like Remember Operation Light Swan to Killian and she saw a moment of recognition in his eyes, and it was just as fleeting as her..memory? Vision? She wasn’t exactly sure what just happened to be honest. 

 Her mind shifted to thinking about Henry as a child, but the memories seemed hazy. Nowhere near as clear as the one she just had. Everything is flat, almost like she was looking at pictures with feelings attached, but no real depth behind them. Her vision blurred and she vaguely saw herself opening a door in an apartment she doesn’t recognize, with Henry on the other side. A tight, red dress that she would’ve worn in her younger days to catch a skip, but she didn’t remember owning it. I’m your son. But she raised him, he wouldn’t need to tell her that. Her vision cleared up, and she’s back at Chantey’s. Killian also looked like something strange had happened in his head. Emma’s not sure what was happening, but she was finally starting to wonder how much of what Henry has told them was the truth.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Killian had been growing increasingly wary of Henry’s sanity throughout their meeting. While he already seemed to trust Swan implicitly, her trust in Henry seemed to be woefully misplaced. He could see the growing concern on her face the more he went on about false memories and what not. But he could not explain the album.

 One of the things he had regretted not being able to save in the fire that took his Milah and his hand, was the picture album that held his memories of his wife and his daughter’s early years. He knows there was one. He can remember looking at it with Milah when she told him she was pregnant. Remembered her smile when looking at their wedding photos. But as Swan flipped through the photo album Henry had put in front of them and he saw the pictures of them, the memories in his mind start failing him, becoming altered. Especially, when they come across what is supposed to be their wedding picture. If Alice had asked him about Milah’s wedding dress any other day, he would have said it looked exactly like the one in the picture he’s looking at right now. The high collar neck, the full-length, lace dress, the red lipstick. Except he and Milah didn’t have a large wedding. They were married by a Justice of the Peace. At a courthouse. She wouldn’t have worn something so extravagant. He’s almost positive they got married during his lunch break at work because he couldn’t even get the day off. So why was he so sure this picture was the real deal? Why did he recognize that smile coming from Emma in the picture? He touches it to make sure that what he’s looking at is real and not some weird delusion.

 “We look so happy.” His voice sounded so small he almost didn't recognize it. He sneaked a quick peek at Swan and realized she’s just as awestruck and confused about these pictures as he is. He took her hand in his, but she doesn’t even seem to notice.

 Killian frowned at the pictures of them as a sheriff and a deputy. Killian couldn’t imagine himself as law enforcement. He had always been too much of a loner, too much emptiness in his past. He’d always considered himself a good person, but he didn’t think he had it in him to carry a gun and chase down criminals. He was never one for violence. 

 Soon there were pictures of Emma pregnant and he looked ecstatic. Again, in his mind he could swear he’d had pictures with Milah like this. Pictures of him kissing her belly and spinning her around. The pictures in his mind refuse to show him Milah’s face though, as if the pictures cut off everything above the shoulders, as if she were never really there. 

 And then there were the pictures of them with two babies. Killian recognized some of them, he swore he had some of the ones that are of just him and Alice at the hospital, before the fire, but the ones with Emma and Hope? He can’t even fathom how someone could photoshop an entire life. More and more pictures of them together with two girls. 

 Alice and Hope. 

 Hope and Alice. 

 Two babies. 

 One Emma. 

 He and Emma together. 

 He and Emma and Henry and Alice and Hope together as a family.

 They finally reached the end of the album and Killian was silently seething at this point. Emma was spluttering, trying to get out questions that she couldn’t seem to form. He couldn’t even begin to conceive what led Henry to do this.

 “Where did these come from, lad?” He tightened his grip on Emma’s hand. She was the only thing keeping him tethered to his seat right now, knowing that if he let go of her hand he might actually throw a punch at her son. They both looked at him for concrete answers that they know he isn’t going to give.

 “They’re pictures, of your life, from before.” Henry said as though this was common knowledge, which only added fuel to Killian’s anger. 

 “But,” his hand left Emma’s, the loss already filling his chest. His hand automatically scratched behind his neck, an old nervous habit, because this whole situation just does not sit right, “this isn’t my life. We don’t have another life. Emma and I never met until this morning!” 

 Henry sat back calmly, a hint of a smile before he said “You just don’t remember.”

 “You don’t just forget a life and make up a new one!” He wanted to scream this at Henry, but they were in public and he couldn’t. He slammed the cover of the album shut instead, and winced internally at his petulance. Emma’s eyes widen at his almost outburst and he felt more ashamed even though he’s tried to keep the toughness in his face to intimidate Henry. How could anyone be expected to believe what Henry has dished out to them? It was absolutely ludicrous.

 “Ahh, there’s the pirate coming out to play.” Henry popped a french fry in his mouth, and Killian felt like he was being mocked by how nonchalant Henry is being. His face fell at the pirate line. It’s something he’s always had to deal with once he became one handed, especially since he opted to wear a prosthetic hook instead of a hand. But it hurt that someone like Emma’s son would be so lackadaisical about it.

 “Pirate? What, because of this?” He held it up to Henry, almost daring him to ridicule him again. 

 “Did you not see what you used to wear there?” Yes, he had seen the pictures of him with a pirate’s hook. It was pretty hard to miss in every single picture.

 “Lad,” He was trying to remember his breathing exercises from when he used to get anxiety attacks, because he was sure this conversation with Henry would definitely bring one on, especially if he didn’t get information on Alice soon. “I don’t know where those pictures came from or what you paid someone to photoshop all these, but whatever elaborate ruse you have going on here, it needs to stop! I just want to know where Alice is. And your poor mum just wants Hope back.”

 Killian expected Henry to look remorseful, maybe even upset that his little game wasn’t working. Instead, Henry took a hand from each of them. He looked at them like they were the greatest two people in the world, a look he’s only ever seen from Alice. Henry looked over toward Emma and told her Remember Operation Cobra which sounded utterly ridiculous. It obviously meant something to Emma though because the gooseflesh rose on her arms and she held her head as though she remembered something. 

 Henry turned to him, still holding his hand and simply stated Remember Operation Light Swan. Killian’s eyes widened because it sounded familiar. A faint vision of himself looking at a real estate listing in the paper with a young Henry. A house circled in red. Emma in a white dress with a white cloak. What the hell?

 He wanted to demand Henry tell him where his daughter is when another vision slipped in front of his eyes. First it’s him and Milah holding Alice, but the picture is muted. The colors are off. Milah doesn’t look real. Her clothes look like she’s out of the Middle Ages. Then he’s holding her in his arms. He’s dressed in what can only be described as pirate gear, and she’s caressing his face, telling him that she loves him before her eyes close forever. But he never saw Milah die. He couldn’t get her out of the rubble. She was still calling for him when the firemen forced him down the stairs to get his severed arm looked at. But even that doesn’t seem right. Why can’t he remember the pain, the sorrow, the anguish that this recollection should bring. His memories are all scrambled and for the first time in his life, he’s really not sure what is real and what is the truth anymore.

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Henry could see that something was getting through to them. Both of them seemed lost in memories. He had hoped that the albums would trigger something in their brains. He remembered how his paper storybook had helped Emma believe when the Black Fairy had changed her memories. That’s all he needed right now, enough belief that they realized their past memories may not be how they remembered them. He had to give it to Gothel, at least they had something more than ‘for as long as I can remember’ like Regina had done. Emma had a fully fleshed out reunion with Neal and Killian had a whirl-wind romance with Milah. Trying to undo those memories was going to take time, so the photo album and a few choice words that wouldn’t make sense in any other context was what he was placing all his hope on. He remembered when he’d had his memories erased when they lived in New York. All of his past memories with Emma seemed like pictures in his mind, but that was all they were, snapshots and nothing else. He didn’t know memories were supposed to be any other way. Believing didn’t seem that hard when it came down to it because something hadn’t felt right. Storybrooke had felt right, even if he didn’t know why at the time (and the flying monkeys certainly helped). And the same type of emotions seemed to be happening right now if what was going on with Emma and Killian was any indication.

 “Look,” Henry began, trying to figure out just the right words before continuing. “I know all of this is confusing. I know you don’t completely understand what is happening right now. But I do know one thing. I know you trust me, Mom.” Emma nodded at him. “And I know you already trust each other.” Emma looked over at Killian and he nodded as well. “Then I need you to believe in me. Can you believe in me?”

 The patio held a deafening silence while Henry waited for their answers. It felt like it was hours before they answered his question, even though Henry knew it was only a few seconds. They both answered at the same time.

 “Yes.”

 “Aye.”

 Henry smiled. “Then let’s reunite you with Hope and Alice.”

Tag List: (Let me know if you want to be added or removed)

@profdanglaisstuff @thisonesatellite @mariakov81 @hollyethecurious @winterbaby89 @jennjenn615 @kmomof4 @superchocovian @lfh1226-linda @ilovemesomekillianjones @cssns @itsfabianadocarmo @xsajx  @qualitycoffeethings​ @snowbellewells​

[fy-2pm]

[Trans] 2PM’s Taecyeon “Singles” Magazine Interview

Ok Taecyeon’s Speed

Free to roam around in his pace, from day to day, Ok Taecyeon is fully utilizing his time

Q: Lately, you have been busy filming the drama “Vincenzo.” It’s been a year since your last drama “The Game: Towards Zero.” How have you been?

T: It seems like I was absent for one year but I was still working. After “The Game: Towards Zero,” I filmed the movie “Hansan.” Immediately after that, I started filming “Vincenzo.” I did rest for a while and had some room to breath but I was still busy.

Q: The drama “Vincenzo” will be released soon. You were busy filming in the last few months, how do you feel about the release?

T: Comparing with the past, the drama filming is different. Due to these changes, I am a little nervous. (In the past) The filming feels like a live show because it will be aired after the filming of a few episodes. With “Vincenzo,” I am nervous because the filming took a long time (before it was aired). I am very excited. I’ll say half expectations and half excitement. Personally, I think excitement is more than half.

Q: In the drama, Jang Jun Woo was introduced as “A man with an innocent smile. With an unexpected charm being weird and clumsy.” There’s not much of a difference to the Ok Taecyeon we have always known from before, is there a different side?

T: When I first received the script, I thought to myself, “Should I do this?”. The similarities between the character Jun Woo and my actual self are very close alike. Even in the first scene, Jun Woo appeared with my favorite kick board, which makes me wonder if someone was hiding a hidden camera in my daily life (Laughs). However, as the drama moves into the latter half, rather than showing Jun Woo’s foolishness, I will be showing you different aspects of Jun Woo. This is why I am paying a lot of attention in my acting.

Q: Everyone is constantly worrying about their career. Despite that, when were you convinced that you would take on the path as an actor?

T: I think it was at the time when I was filming the drama “Wonderful Days.” In one of the filming days, after filming a scene, the writer praised me for doing well. While I was filming that scene, I thought to myself, “I am doing it okay, right?” and then I remember being given some compliments and I feel such a relief while my body was in pain. Before that day, I have never experience something like this. I think this is the first time when I thought maybe this is the charm of acting.

Q: So you will live as an actor, what’s the biggest joy of being an actor?

T: You can break people’s prejudice by playing a different character every time. I think this is the most interesting.

Q: By the way, at the end of last year in VLIVE, 2PM’s comeback was announced. How’s the preparation going?

T: We are still preparing for it but it’s still undecided whether it will be this year (Laugh). We are preparing but there is an overlap of circumstances, so organizing all this is the priority. First of all, if we are to make a comeback this year, this will be our first album in five years since 2016, what are the things we want to show? All our members wrote songs and we all have different ideas. It’s hard to decide the title song and the direction of the album. Once the song is decided, it will go into a full swing and it will move very quickly, but our members haven’t been working together for a while. I think I will fail the first round (Laugh). We also waited for a long time for this comeback, but I think we need a bit more time.

Q: 2PM is the original beast idol. The past appearance, can we look forward to that?

T: A lot of people remember us as what we looked like in the past. However, as time goes by, I think we need some change. Our members were in their 20s but are now in their 30s. 2PM’s specialties need to be changed as well.

Q: You have been living as a singer and actor for a long time. With what you have done so far, any dream of taking on other challenges?

T: I think there are always ideas. I’ve always wanted to try doing this and that. However, as I grow older, I think it’s more important that I can do things feeling relaxed. So, I am trying to live at this tempo. During my 20s, I was very busy and time flew by so quickly. Now, I will find my own tempo and I will do my best.

Q: Recently, what is the biggest desire that you have?

T: Besides things related to work, I also look for things that I really want to try. Maybe one of them is cooking. I also want to try making or put together new machine or something like that.

Q: Two months have passed for 2021. Roughly, what are the plans for this year?

T: It’s not anything special. I do have some planning but I don’t know what is going to happen. First of all, I just hope that COVID-19 will end soon. I hope the work for 2PM album will go smoothly. Also, I hope the upcoming drama “Vincenzo” will finish well.

(Note: the following questions were published in the hard copy of the magazine. Previous questions were published online.)

Q: At the time for “The Game: Towards Zero,” in an interview, you mentioned after the job is done, you were planning to travel. However, traveling was not possible last year. I wonder what you did to compensate for the disappointment.

T: I think I spent most of the time at home. I didn’t do anything special. I did things like listening to music or watching videos. From time to time, I have been going in and out of Seoul and did some shooting.

Q: Looking at your SNS, you seem to have excellent cooking skills.

T: At one time, I felt proud of my cooking but not anymore (Laugh). Now I am not cooking at all because I am on a diet.

Q: (Regarding the drama “Vincenzo”) Is there something to look forward to?

T: “Vincenzo” is a black comedy. Every scene is nice and fun. Also, the contents contain some social ironies. There are parts of it that are not so heavy, which I like because it is fun. On top of that, through the character Jang Jun Woo, I am able to act like I haven’t done before. Under the directions from the director, I am able to try and express in different ways. Personally, I really wonder how the public will accept this.

Q: For Ok Taecyeon, what preparation did you do to become Jang Jun Woo?

T: I didn’t do anything specifically but in my preparation, I concentrated in preparing my mind to express the character of Jun Woo. As you are trying to grab hold of a character, you just gotta keep pulling more and more out of it, but Jun Woo is a character with a variety of charms. He is different to the characters I’ve played before. How do I put this? I need to do a lot of thinking. The character has two sides like cold water and hot water. So I thought, “Is it okay for me to express it like this?”. I am filming while paying attention to the finest details.

Q: You are working with Song Joong Ki and Jeon Yeo Bin. How’s the atmosphere in the filming site? There are high expectations on the three of you being in the same drama together.

T: The script itself is very nice, so the atmosphere in the filming site is good. Everyone is having fun during the filming.

Q: Recently, there was an interesting interview question answered by Jeon Yeo Bin. She was asked about the atmosphere in the filming site. She replied, “Good Joong Ki oppa who buys food often.” What does Taecyeon mean to her?

T: Well, I don’t know the answer to this. Maybe it can be “Taecyeon oppa who wants you to buy him food (Laugh)?

Q: (Following an answer by Taecyon where he mentioned the fun of being an actor is the chance to break people’s prejudice by playing different characters each time) Does that mean, you have the desire to play a visually “out of place” character?

T: I think it is very important to me to keep challenging myself with something new. Especially when things are looking too plain, I tend to worry a lot. When I was younger while working as a singer, I felt people’s eyes were focused on things that come as shocking, rather than the things that are plain. As someone who works in pop art, it’s all about getting people’s attentions. It seems to me that I am constantly worrying about what is the adequate amount regarding this matter.

Q: It’s already 13 years since your debut. Since your debut, what is that crucial decisive moment that you can remember?

T: It’s so hard to pick just one (Laugh). Since debut, I always have the thought. There are three fates in my life. The person who created 2PM is Park Jinyoung who gave me a start. Then, the person who gave me confidence that I can do things alone is Baek Ji Young. Also, there was the person who was in my first acting challenge, Moon Geun Young. I think I am here today and arrived in my position because there were people, who were there with me while I was having my first start like my turning points.

Trans @JLML718

[wwhbtsjin]

Idol Lovers

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Genre: Majority Fluff, but also a bit of angst and smut in there. (Supportive Jungkook, Jealous Jungkook, Loving Jungkook, Seductive Jungkook, you name it!)

Word Count: 6.6k

(A/N): Again my love for Vixx comes out. This is an AU where Vixx has one female member and it's you, the maknae of the group. You had caught the eyes of many fans and idols alike, but one idol already had your heart, and you had his as well. But dating in secret was a bit of a challenge, especially when your Vixx Oppas didn’t know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Being an idol was certainly not an easy life. But it was the life you chose, and you wouldn’t have it any other way. You weren’t in it for the fame, you were in it because of your love for the arts, the love for the music. This was the way you expressed it, and what better way to do it then next to some of your best friends now. You were the group Vixx’s maknae, and the only girl of the group. The bond you guys had was so strong that your performances were always really powerful. You treasured them and they treasured you, they were the brothers you wish you had.

Every time a male idol expressed that you piqued their interest, they intervened because of one, you didn’t feel the same way, or two, they didn’t think they were good enough for you. But they didn’t know that you already belonged to an idol, the one and only Jeon Jungkook of BTS. You two had met back in high school, but it was just recently he expressed his feelings for you. You accepted them, and your relationship has been strong ever since, but the only thing is, you kept it a secret from your Vixx Oppas while he kept it a secret from his BTS Hyungs.

~

“Yah! (Y/N)! Who said my little sister could look this good! Nobody can take their eyes off of you!” The familiar voice of N, the leader of the group shouted from the chair as he got his hair done. You had just emerged from your dressing room, you get one separate from the boys for obvious reasons, but you all get your makeup and hair done at the same place.

Today was the MBC Music Festival and you guys were going to be performing Shangri La, one of your hits from 2017. The theme for this year was old hits so you and the boys had decided on bringing back Shangri La. The boys were dressed in the black floral silk men's kimonos while you were dressed in a black and cherry blossom decorated kimono. All of the biggest stars of the year were present, including your boyfriend, Jeon Jungkook from BTS. They were just two doors down in their dressing room and you were able to hear them screaming and shouting at each other playfully.

“Oppa,” you chuckled and plopped into the open make up seat next to him to get your hair done and makeup ready, “You flatter me, but have you seen you guys? You six look like literal princes!” 

“I am prince Hyukie!” Hyuk was sitting behind you playing a game on his phone, “But our little sister looks like a Princess!”

Your stylist began working with your hair while you were on your phone, “Stopppppp,” you blushed and in the back of your mind you realized Jungkook was going to see you like this, “If I didn’t have my amazing stylist Unnie,” you looked up at her and gave her a cheeky smile, “I wouldn’t be getting this flattery!”

As soon as your stylist left you, the boys and you were just relaxing in the room. Ravi and Hongbin were knocked out, Hyuk was still playing a game on his phone, N looked like he was texting someone while Leo and Ken were watching videos. 

You were scrolling through instagram when you got a text message on your phone, the sender had the contact name “🐰”. It was your nickname for Jungkook on your phone. Since your relationship was practically a secret from everyone, you guys had to resort to that just in case if one of your members felt extra nosy. His nickname for you in his phone was, “🐷”. You hated it, but he loved it because you can eat just as much as he does.

2:30 P.M 🐰.- Jagggiii~

2:32 P.M. 🐷- Yes Oppa?

2:33 P.M. 🐰- I want to see you :( Are you ready? Can I see you for a little? I’m done and the Hyungs and I are just chilling now doing nothing.

2:34 P.M. 🐷- I gotta figure out how to escape for a little bit :( I’m currently sandwiched between N and Ken Oppa right now. We’re going out to our seats in about 20 minutes.

2:35 P.M. 🐰- Then spare me 10 please? I wanna see my beautiful girl ;-;

2:36 P.M. 🐷- Alright fine, I can never turn you down, where do I go?

2:37 P.M. 🐰- The staircase at the end of the hall. Nobody goes in there so meet me a floor above the entrance <3 Be there at 2:40!

You closed your phone and sighed, “I’m gonna go for a walk okay?” You looked up at N and Ken.

“Are you okay? Do you want us to go with you?” N looked concerned. It wasn’t surprising though because he always cared about the wellbeing of his members. That’s what made him such a mom sometimes.

“I’m okay. I just need to stretch my legs,” you stood up and smiled, “I might go peep and say hi to Ailee Unnie while I’m out. I won’t be long. 10ish minutes probably.” And before anyone else said anything, you began to sneak away. When you got into the hallway, you noticed the door to the staircase closing and Jungkook was right, nobody was on that end. You made a break for it and then successfully snuck into the staircase. You went up one flight of stairs just as Jungkook instructed and sure enough, he was standing right there with open arms.

“My god,” he took your hands into his and leaned in to give you a soft kiss, “You’re stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. You look like a goddess,” He kept on pecking your cheeks and your lips with soft kisses, “Man every male idol is going to have their eyes on you, I guarantee it. But little do they know, you’re my girlfriend and mine only.” Jungkook was dressed in a long bright orange jumpsuit with a white hoodie under. They were performing GoGo and this was the outfit that he used to wear with it.

“Hi my bunny,” you giggled and kissed his cheek, “I missed you. By the way, you are a literal hunk, you know that?” You wrapped your arms around his neck and looked into his eyes that seemed to always sparkle 24/7.

“I missed you too,” he soon had you in his warm embrace, “I can’t get over how absolutely stunning you look right now. Let’s take a picture!” He took out his phone and held it up. The two of you were close together in the frame. You held up a peace sign while Jungkook gave his iconic, award winning, smile.

“Send me that please Oppa~” you kissed his cheek as he wrapped his arm around your waist.

“Already on it,” he quickly opened up your message thread and sent it, “This 10 minutes went by way too fast, but we both have to get back now.”

You looked up at him, “Have a great performance okay my bunny? I’ll be cheering you on!” 

“And I will be cheering you on my princess,” he leaned in and gave you another soft peck on the lips, “Now you go first. I’ll see you later. I love you.”

Everytime he expressed his love for you, you squealed on the inside. It was still unbelievable that the Jeon Jungkook of BTS was in love with you and you loved him. “I love you too bunny,” you let go of him and began to walk towards the stairs, “I really do.” And with that, you began making your way back to the room with your members.

When you got back, Hongbin and Ravi were just barely waking up. N saw you come back and he smiled warmly at you, “Are you good now?”

You flashed him a thumbs up, “All good Hakyeon mommy!” You plopped down on the couch next to him and leaned your head on his shoulder, “How much time do we have before we have to go out?”

The 93 liners were fully awake by this time. Ravi stretched and then looked at you, “I hope soon, cause that was a really good nap and I didn’t want to wake up yet.”

“Yeah I could tell,” you chuckled, “You and Bin Oppa were drooling”.

“Yeah...it was a freaking pool.” Hyuk was in the same position you left him in, still playing games on his phone. All of you burst into laughter when there was a sudden visitor at your door. 

Your eyes widened because it was your boyfriend and his members.

“Oh Jin my friend!” Ken jumped up to embrace his friend in a hug.

“Brother!” Jin cheered in return.

The friendship that Jungkook’s hyung had with your Ken Oppa was really strong. Whenever those two were together...it was definitely a show. Especially because those two are on their own level in terms of...weirdness.

“Hi guys!” N waved from next to you, your head still on his shoulder. But then you saw Jungkook’s eyes behind Namjoon’s shoulders eyeing you with an eyebrow raised. You sat up straight taking your head off of N’s shoulders before smiling at him warmly. His eyes softened and you knew he wouldn’t be mad at you for that.

“(Y/N)-ah!” Hoseok smiled at you, “You look absolutely stunning! Like a Princess!”

Jungkook’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. This was the first time one of his members complimented you on your looks. You’ve had other idols do it in front of Jungkook before, but his members are a whole different story.

“T-thank you Hoseok-ah.” You smiled at him. You were more timid and shy than usual and Hyuk was able to notice.

He sat next to you and placed a hand on your knee, making Jungkook’s eyes widen, “Are you okay Princess?” That was Hyuk’s nickname for you. Out of the boys, he was the closest to you because of age.

Jungkook nudged J-Hope, “Yah, don’t make her uncomfortable.”

“Hey!” N’s eyes lit up, “Our schedule is actually free tonight after this, would you guys like to come over for some dinner if you guys are free?”

Namjoon nodded, “We surprisingly have a day off tomorrow and are free after this too...so sure! We’ll just go home and change and head over to you all! Would you like us to bring anything?” 

“Well…” N looked at you, “Our little sister has been craving chicken so we’ll take care of that. Would you guys like to take care of the drinks?”

“Alcohol!” Jimin cheered.

“Soda!” Namjoon hit him on the back of the head.

You giggled making everyone's heads turn towards you. Jungkook had the most loving look towards you.

“W-what?” you cocked your head to the side innocently.

“You literally have the cutest laugh.” Jin smiled at you.

“Doesn’t she?” Hyuk cheered and put an arm around your shoulder, “She’s too precious.”

You glanced over at Jungkook and he had an expression on your face that you’ve never seen on him before. He raised an eyebrow at you and also glared at his hyungs. Was he possibly getting jealous? 

“Well,” Jin smiled, “I’ll text Ken when we’re on the way later! Have a good performance!”

And soon enough you guys were left alone again. This would be the first time Jungkook would be coming over to your place. Granted you lived with the boys, but how were you two gonna do without exposing your relationship to everyone else.

“Well, let’s get out to our seats shall we?” N gestured for everyone to get up. You all walked together onto the stage and saw idols already sitting in their respective rows on the sides. You quickly scanned around for Jungkook and saw him looking at you. He smiled warmly and secretly gave you a little finger heart. You flashed one back to him before being led to your row. You and the boys were on the opposite end of them, both on the rows that are equivalent to stage level. 

You sat in between Ravi and Hyuk and yawned, “Is anyone else sleepy? Because I am.”

“I’m not cause I napped,” Ravi chuckled, “You decided to go out and see your secret boyfriend I bet.”

Your eyes widened, “W-what?” Did your members know about you and Jungkook?

“I’m kidding,” Ravi laughed, “I know you’d tell us even if you had your eye on someone anyways.”

You glanced across the stage and saw Jungkook being teased by his Hyungs. His iconic bunnylike smile blessed your vision and you smiled warmly at the sight. You sighed and then looked up at Hyuk, “I am so taking a nap before the BTS Oppas come by later.”

“I’m with you on that one.” 

Soon enough the show began, and you and the boys were backstage getting ready. It was a commercial and a break time, so the stage crew was hustling on the stage getting it ready for your performance. Your stylist was doing some last minute touch ups on your makeup. Scanning your surroundings, you saw Jungkook flash you a thumbs up. You gave him a finger heart back before Hyuk looked at you.

“Who was that for?” He raised an eyebrow at you.

“Nobody Oppa,” you smiled at him, panicking a bit on the inside, “Let’s do this.” 

The lights dimmed down and you got in your places for your performance. This was always your happy place. No matter how tiring it is, you loved it. You forgot about the world around you and got lost in performance. That’s what made you such a great artist.

By the time Shangri La was done everyone was up and out of their seats, giving you and the boys a standing ovation. Starlights were cheering, waving the lightsticks and chanting your names. The show had gone to commercial and you guys had the opportunity to say something to Starlights. 

“Our Starlight babies!” N cheered into the mic, “We hope we put on a great performance for you guys!” That caused the crowd to erupt into screams.

The mic was then handed over to Hyuk, “We worked hard to put this together, and we’re very glad to have all of your support.” He held up a finger heart.

Then you had the mic to close out Vixx’s time on the stage, “We thank Starlights for being so supportive of us. We’ll continue to work hard for you all. We love you Starlights!” That had caused the whole crowd to erupt into cheers. You and the boys waved goodbye and headed backstage. As you pass BTS’ seats, Jungkook gives you a finger heart and a kissy face. You blushed lightly and waved to him secretly before you guys got ready to go back and prepare for their whole group coming over for dinner.

~

You and the boys flooded back into your dorm and you made your way back to your room. Hyuk followed behind and tapped his shoulder, “(Y/N)-ah? Can I ask you something?”

Right as you opened the door, you peaked your head over your shoulder and saw Hyuk twiddling with his thumbs. You smiled softly at him, “What is it Hyuk Oppa? Can I take off my makeup first?”

“Ah yeah go ahead, I’ll come back when you’re ready.”

You nodded and then closed the door to our bedroom. You sighed as you plopped onto your bed, did Hyuk want to talk to you because he possibly saw you and Jungkook earlier? That couldn’t have been it...could it?

“Bangtan Boys are on their way! I ordered chicken!” You heard N yell from the hallway.

“Bunny is coming…” you muttered to yourself and then your eyes widened, “Oh my god bunny is coming.” You were panicking because 1, your boyfriend is coming over, 2, nobody knows he’s your boyfriend...at least to your knowledge and 3, you didn’t want to look embarrassing in front of him.

You began scrubbing off your makeup. As you were doing that your phone lit up indicating you got a text message from Jungkook.

8:01 P.M. 🐰-How in the world am I going to keep my hands off of you tonight?

8:03 P.M. 🐷-I have no idea. I’m freaking out knowing I might expose something? What happens if we’re found out?

8:04 P.M. 🐰-I mean eventually everyone will know...but if it were to be tonight we’ve just gotta be prepared. I’ll do my best though to make sure it won’t be hard if it comes to that point.

8:06 P.M. 🐷- Me too bunny :) How far are you guys?

8:08 P.M. 🐰-...coming up the elevator...see you in a minute my piggy.

8:09 P.M. 🐷- 😐

You quickly put your hair up into a bun, changed into a pair of leggings and one of Jungkook’s hoodies, which was fairly big on you. You stared at yourself in the mirror and your eyes widened, “I can’t wear this… his hyungs might recognize this hoodie.” But before you had a chance to change, the doorbell rang and you heard Ken running and screaming to get to the door. Him and Jin were definitely an interesting pair…

You were reaching into the closet when Ravi burst into your room, “Let’s go outside and see everyone!” He dragged you out and you saw your members all sitting around the living room with BTS. 

“There’s the Princess of the evening! The one that stole the show!” Jimin patted the empty spot in between him and Jungkook for you to sit with them. You glanced at Jungkook and he just raised his eyebrows at you.

“Jungkook-ah,” Jin looked over in your guys direction, “Don’t you have that same hoodie?” 

Well shit, that came faster than you thought…

“I do.” Was all that managed to come out of his mouth.

“This is my brothers,” you chimed in, “He left it last time he visited and I just keep forgetting to give it back to him.” Saved it...well at least you hoped.

“The chicken got delivered in the lobby!” N jumped up, “Hyukie, (Y/N), do you guys want to go get it?”

You nodded and walked to the door with Hyuk. You were glad to get away from that situation, even though you didn’t want to leave Jungkook’s side, things got awkward real quick.

When you and Hyuk got in the elevator a sigh escaped your lips.

“Can I ask you something that I’ve been meaning to ask you earlier?” Hyuk said out of the blue.

“Sure Hyukie Oppa,” you smiled at him, “What is it?”

“How do you feel about me?” He stared at you seriously, “I’ve grown to really like you more than my best friend (Y/N). I want to know how you feel about me.”

Your eyes widened, you thought Hyuk had suspected you and Jungkook...but this wasn’t what you were expecting. “H-hyukie Oppa…” you looked up at him, “I-,” you sighed, “I don’t have the same feeling back...I’m sorry. I’ve only ever seen you as my best friend. That’s it…”

“It’s because you’re already seeing someone isn’t it?” He looked away from you and then down at the floor.

“H-huh?” the elevator doors opened revealing the lobby. You and Hyuk made your way to the empty front desk.

He rang the bell then looked at you, “I know your dating Jungkook-ssi,” he got the chicken from the receptionist then looked back at you, “I got curious, and I know it was wrong of me, but I followed you early when you secretly met with him in the staircase. My feelings about you are true...but I just wanted to see if the reason you’d say no was because of Jungkook.”

“Hyuk Oppa…” you stared at him as he walked towards the elevators.

“Why didn’t you tell any of us you were dating him?” He pressed the button waiting for the elevator to arrive back at the lobby.

“I-...I just really really do love him.” but before you could answer completely the elevator doors opened.

“Let’s go back up before they all wonder where we are...your boyfriend is probably worried sick.” He walked into the elevator with you following.

“Oppa, I’m sorry...I truly am. But please, Bunny and I aren’t ready to tell anyone yet, so can you please keep this a secret?” You looked at him with pleading eyes.

“You guys have nicknames for each other already,” he chuckled to himself, “Guess he beat me to it when it comes to your heart…” 

“Oppa are you mad at me?”

“No… I���m just heartbroken… but I can’t do anything about it. I just hope he’s treating you like the Princess you really are.” The doors opened and soon you were back in front of your front door.

As you reached for the handle you could hear N and Namjoon talking.

“Hyuk-ssi and (Y/N)-ah seem like they would be a cute couple.” Namjoon’s voice boomed on the other side of the door.

“We’ve been wanting them to date for the longest time, but as much as Hyuk-ah likes her...I don’t think she likes him back.” N sighed and looked at the other leader.

“I feel like one of my members will snatch her up if he doesn’t soon. She’s a literal Princess.” He chuckled and both their voices soon disappeared from the door. Hyuk looked at you in a concern then opened the door.

You quietly helped him carry all the food onto the table laid out in your guys living room. But you just didn’t feel like eating anymore. You sat in between Jungkook and Jimin. Jungkook’s eyes quickly looked down at you, full of concern for his secret lover.

“Are you okay, jagi?” he asked you quietly without getting much notice from anyone. Except for Hyuk who was sitting across from you looking at you with concern also.

You nodded in disagreement. You felt tears starting to build up.

You stood up, “I-I’m not feeling well right now,” you smiled at everyone through your tear brimmed eyes, “Please have a good dinner, I need to close my eyes for a bit.” And before anyone could answer, you scurried away to your room. You closed the door behind you and plopped on your bed, tears streaming down your face.

You were bent out of shape because of many reasons. Both Namjoon and all of your members think you and Hyuk would be good together. Heck, Hyuk even has feelings for you. How would everyone feel when they found out you and Jungkook were dating? Would it cause tensions within your group? Would his hyungs get mad at him? You didn’t think it would get this conflicting.

When you scurried away to your room, all the boys looked confused, well except for Hyuk. Jungkook was full of worry and concern, it was heavily visible on his face. He wanted to run after you, see what was wrong, why you were bothered. And he wanted to hold you in his arms. But he knew he couldn’t do so just yet.

“Is she okay?” Yoongi asked out of concern.

“I may have upset her…” Hyuk sighed and leaned his head back, “Someone should go check on her.”

“Should I?” N stood up being the mom he is.

“I think Jungkook-ssi should. Those two are high school friends after all.” Hyuk looked at Jungkook and nodded approvingly. 

He got up and made his way to your bedroom. Jungkook knocked softly, “Jagi?” Luckily he was far enough that nobody could hear him call you that, “I’m coming in okay?” Jungkook opened the door and saw you curled up on your bed crying, back towards him.

You turned around hiding your face in your pillow, “Bunny…”

He smiled softly at the sight and sat on your bed with you. He helped you up and straight into his arms, “My piggy,” his voice was so comforting to hear, “What’s wrong?”

You wrapped your arms around him and buried your face into his chest, “We’ve been found out bunny…”

His hands soon found themselves playing with the bun on your head, “Found out? How so? Was it Sanghyuk Hyung? He said he upset you.”

You heard Ken and Jin playfully screaming animal noises in the background, “It was Hyukie Oppa...the way he just came out with it was so overwhelming...he told me he likes me, but he also saw us earlier in the staircase. What if our members aren’t happy when they find out? I don’t want to ruin any of the bonds we have with our own groups. What if they get mad at us and then fights erupt or there’s tension like in those Kdramas? I don’t want that to happen with any of us!” You looked up at him, tears were staining your cheeks.

Jungkook kissed your forehead, “Your heart belongs to me right? Were you honest with me, Sanghyuk Hyung and most importantly yourself?”

“I told Hyukie Oppa how much I really really love you. My heart does belong to you bunny oppa, I know how much I love you. It’s so much.” You cried holding him.

“You’re silly you know,” he placed his hand under your chin and looked up at you, “I love you so much too, and regardless of how our members react to the news, I still love you as much as I did 10 seconds ago.” He planted a soft kiss on your lips.

“Will this night end with all our members knowing that you and I are dating?”

“That might be the case, but I think it’s time that we tell them too. I’ll take care of it, but we won’t tell them right away, but they will know before we go home okay? I think hiding it has gone on long enough,” he looked down at you and poked your cheek, “I don’t like when my piggy is sad.”

“Why do you still call me piggy,” you pouted, “I’m not a piggy. I just have a good appetite.”

“If you can eat as much as me, then you’re a piggy. But you’re my piggy.” Jungkook started pecking kisses all around your face and even down to your neck.

You started giggling, “Oppa that tickles, but what if someone sees us?”

He started pecking kisses on your collarbone, “Even dressed like this you're irresistible. Babygirl you’re beautiful in anything you wear.” Your collarbone was a newly discovered weak spot as a small moan escaped your mouth. You quickly clamped your lips shut, “S-shh, you’re gonna make me make noises I’ve never done before!” You glared at Jungkook playfully.

Jungkook laughed and gave you a small love bite on your collarbone, “I’ll take note of that sweet spot for later!” He smiled at you warmly, “But there’s that smiling face I’m in love with. Come, let’s go back out because you need to eat your dinner.”

“Are we going back out as a couple? Or still hiding it?” 

“Sanghyuk Hyung is the only one who knows right?” he stood up and wrapped his arms around your waist.

You nodded, “Just Hyukie Oppa.”

“Then we’ll wait for the right time to tell them,” he kissed you, “but for now we just gotta make sure you eat your dinner. Okay?” 

You nodded and hugged him before walking to the door, “I love you Bunny.”

“I love you too my piggy.” He followed you out of the room and you guys both made your way back...to the chaotic mess in the living room. Ken and Jin were making weird animal noises while Namjoon and N were drinking together. Suga, Hongbin and Ravi were all in front of the Tv playing video games while Jimin, Taehyung, Hoseok, Leo and Hyuk were just sitting at the table talking.

“My princess!” N cheered, “Are you feeling better?”

“I am Hakyeon mommy!” You ran and sat next to him, “I’m hungry.”

Jungkook plopped down next to Hyuk and you raised an eyebrow at him. Then he immersed himself into conversation with that group.

“Namjoon-ssi was just telling me how good Jungkook is at comforting people, it seemed like it worked with you.” N looked down at you as you ate your chicken.

“Mhm,” you nodded as you held a drumstick in your hand, “Jungkook Oppa is really sweet, kind, caring, it’s always nice being with him.” You smiled at the thought of your boyfriend. He truly did care for you, and you couldn’t be more grateful for him.

“The way you talk about him (Y/N)-ah, sounds like you’re in love with him!” Namjoon teased you playfully, completely unaware that what he said was true.

Your eyes widened and you started blushing. You almost choked on the chicken you were eating, “I-...Namjoon Oppa, you almost made me choke on my chicken.” N handed you a glass of water laughing.

“You take good care of your members Sunbae,” Namjoon chimed in, “My members say I’m destructive.”

“Well this is my princess,” he wrapped his arms around you, “and Hyukie is our baby, I have to take care of my children.” The conversation with N and Namjoon really began to lighten your mood.

Meanwhile Jungkook sat with Jimin, Taehyung and Hyuk, their conversation was on a much more different level. 

“Taehyung-ah would not get off of his games all night,” Jimin whined, “Sanghyuk Hyung, do you ever have that issue with your members? Is (Y/N) a gamer?”

“You know...I don’t know what she does behind those closed doors of her bedroom,” Hyuk chuckled, “She loves sleep so I don’t think so.”

“(Y/N) isn’t a gamer,” Jungkook chuckled, “She sucks at games. She always dies.”

“I didn’t know you and (Y/N)-ah were so close.” Taehyung raised an eyebrow at him.

“They are high school friends after all,” Hyuk chuckled, “Jungkook-ssi, would you like to see my Overwatch themed set up?” Hyuk clearly didn’t have a set up like that, he was just trying to get Jungkook away because he wanted to ask him some questions.

“Oh boy do I?!” Jungkook jumped up and followed Hyuk, sounding like a little kid. You smiled at the scene of Jungkook, it made your heart flutter.

Jungkook and Hyuk went into Hyuk’s room and Hyuk closed the door, “I don’t really have an overwatch set up, I just wanted a chance to ask you some questions about (Y/N)-ah.”

“Oh,” Jungkook leaned against the door, “I will answer everything honestly. You guys are her big brothers and I want you guys to trust me with her.”

“She told you about my feelings for her?” Hyuk sat down on his bed and looked at Jungkook seriously, “How does that make you feel?”

Jungkook sighed, “I respect you Sunbae, I really do. And I can’t stop you from having feelings for her, that’s all on your own,” he peeked his head around the room and saw a polaroid of you and Hyuk on Hyuk’s nightstand, “And I trust (Y/N)-ah that her feelings are strong for me. I trust both of you to respect all of our feelings towards everything...if that makes sense?”

“I get what you’re saying,” Hyuk noticed you looking at the photo, “That was our Christmas movie marathon last year. I realized then that I liked her more than just my best friend.” 

“You liked her before I did,” Jungkook looked down, “Sunbae I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

“It’s okay Jungkook-ah, it really is, what matters to me is her happiness, doesn’t that matter to you too?”

“Of course it does,” Jungkook smiled at the thought of you smiling, “Her smile literally lightens up everything.”

“And you’ll take care of her? Love her? Care for her? Protect her?” Hyuk looked up at Jungkook, “I could only do so much, but you’re her boyfriend so you have more of an impact than I do now.” 

“Sunbae, I have no intention of stealing her away from you. You’re her best friend and that’s a spot that’s made just for you only,” Jungkook was wise knowing his place, “You guys have been through much more than her and I have been through so far. You’re her best friend and I’m her boyfriend, but regardless we’ll both be loving, caring and protecting her no matter what. And I hope to be doing that for the rest of my life.”

“You two are some of the biggest stars right now, are you prepared to deal with paparazzi? Word will get out that you two are dating eventually or our labels will say go public with it,” Hyuk sighed, “She gets overwhelmed easily, so can you be there to make it easier for her?” 

“Of course Sunbae, I don’t want anything to be hard for her, so I will do my best in everything.” 

“I think it’s best that you guys let everyone know before the end of the night that you guys are dating,” Hyuk walked up to Jungkook and put his hand on his shoulder, “But just take care of her okay? I care so much about her and don’t want to see her get hurt. Especially by you.”

“I promise Sunbae.”

“Call me hyung.” And with that, Hyuk left the room.

Jungkook followed and saw you laughing, he smiled at the sight of you with N. He felt relieved knowing you were surrounded by people who genuinely cared for you and protected you when he wouldn’t be able to.

“Hyuk-ah!” Ravi called out, “We were just wondering, what were you showing Jungkook-ssi, you don’t have an Overwatch set up? Did you confess your love for the golden maknae or something?”

“I-...nevermind.” Hyuk pouted.

Jungkook noticed there was an empty spot next to you so he decided to sit next to you. He smiled at you warmly and couldn’t take his eyes off of you.

“Yah! Yah!” Yoongi shouted, “Look at the way Jungkookie is staring at (Y/N)-ah!”

“Look at how (Y/N)-ah is blushing!” Ken pointed out too.

Your eyes widened hearing both of your members point out all of that. Jungkook scratched the back of his head and chuckled embarrassingly. This was all coming at you too fast again you started panicking. But you relaxed because Jungkook placed his hand on top of yours and held it tightly to reassure you that he’s there.

“Is there something you want to tell us Princess?” You heard N’s voice in the background, you couldn't hide things from your Hakyeon mommy, it wasn’t right.

“Yeah Jungkook-ah! Something you want to tell us?” Hoseok wiggled his eyebrows at the two of you.

Jungkook sighed, “(Y/N)-ah and I have been dating...for the last 6 months.” He held the two of your hands that were intertwined up together.

“Why didn’t you tell us Princess?” Rather than N sounding mad, he was more curious. You expected mad or sad, not curious.

“I…” you sighed, “I was just scared that you guys wouldn’t have approved. Every male that has come my way expressing their feelings for me, you guys always stood up for me because I didn’t feel the same way. But bunny oppa was different. I actually had feelings for bunny oppa but I just didn’t want you guys to disapprove of him.”

“How you didn’t tell us Jungkook-ah?” Namjoon asked his maknae.

“I would tell you when (Y/N)-ah was ready to tell her members. I trust you hyungs 100% but I just didn’t want to risk anything getting exposed without her knowing. I didn’t want her to get overwhelmed.” Jungkook gripped your hand tightly under the table.

“We’re sorry we kept this hidden from you guys,” you bowed your head down, “We really are.” You expected members to start getting mad, but instead you got complete silence.

“Well Jungkookie beat me to it,” you heard Taehyung break the silence, “I was gonna try to go for you (Y/N)-ah.”

“Wait,” Jimin’s head popped up, “S-so was I! She’s a literal princess!”

“She’s so adorable! I was going to try!” Jin shot up too causing Ken to shoot up.

“Yah you idiot!” Ken playfully smacked him, “That’s my little sister!” 

“Not biologically…”Jin chuckled.

“None of you guys are mad?” You looked up shocked.

“I mean, we wish you guys told us, but there’s nothing we can do from stopping it.” N chuckled.

“I kind of sensed that JK had a girl.” Yoongi laughed.

“B-but, Hakyeon mommy I heard you talking with Namjoon Oppa about how you wanted me to be with Hyukie Oppa!” You looked at the two of them then at Hyuk, “You’re okay right Hyukie Oppa?”

“I am,” he smiled at you warmly, “I talked to Jungkook, and as long as he takes good care of you and makes you happy and treats you like the Princess you are, that’s all that matters for me.”

“Not a princess hyung,” Jungkook smiled at you, “I’ll treat her like the queen she is.”

“Jungkook-ah,” N’s voice turned serious, “When the public knows of you two dating, it will get harder, but will you protect her to the best you can? We all want nothing but happiness for you two, and especially our Princess.”

“I will do my best Sunbae. I promise. I love (Y/N)-ah way too much that I would hate to see anything hurt her.” Jungkook was rubbing your knuckles with his thumb, your hands have still not separated from each other.

“Then that’s what we want to hear,” Leo chimed in, he may be stoic but he cares for you greatly, “If you hurt her we will find you.”

“We will find you too!” Jimn chimed in glaring at Jungkook, “And we’ll swoop in!”

Jungkook wrapped his arms around you tightly, “I don’t know if this is a test...but she’s my girl! I will protect her as best as I can!”

You bursted out laughing, “Bunny you’re suffocating me.”

“Oh one rule though,” Namjoon and N both chimed in, “No making out in front of any of us members!”

Your face heated up while Jungkook laughed, “Then don’t come in my room whenever sh-” You smacked Jungkook to make him shut up.

“We’ll follow the rules!” You giggled. That wasn’t nearly as bad as you had anticipated it to be, but you were sure glad your members approved of you and Jungkook. Now you guys wouldn’t have to go around hiding anymore.

“I love you piggy.” Jungkook whispered in your ear as members of both groups were fooling around again. 

You looked at him and smiled, “I love you too bunny.”

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

Spiritbox’s Courtney LaPlante: "Men have been taught by society that they are superior to us"

Named after a paranormal device used to contact ghosts, Canadian post-metalcore trio Spiritbox have been hailed by fans and critics alike as one of the best new bands to watch in 2021. Arriving on the scene back in 2017, Spiritbox found themselves spiralling into greater success following the release of their 2020 single Holy Roller – its Midsommar-style music video has over 2 million views and counting.

Now signed to Rise Records, Spiritbox are in the midst of recording their highly-anticipated debut album, and vocalist Courtney LaPlante has started a brand new podcast Good For A Girl. The podcast is an inside look at the realities and challenges of being a woman in the music industry, with a sharp focus on the male-dominated world that is the metal scene. LaPlante was in metal band Iwrestledabearonce before starting Spiritbox, and on the podcast she speaks to other women who are claiming their space within the business, like musicians, Radio DJs, record executives and more.

In conversation with the Spiritbox leader, we learn about her industry life lessons, her experience with ultra-sexist record labels, and the state of the band's upcoming new record.

When and why did you come up with the idea for the Good For A Girl podcast?

“I came up with it because I was trying to figure out something to offer our patrons on our Patreon page. It’s also an excuse for me to hang out with other women, as I live on an island in Canada so I haven’t really come across many women in the industry, and I haven’t on my travels either. It was a way for me to learn from them and I got such a great reaction from our patrons too. Plus, every musician in the industry during the pandemic has made a podcast. I didn’t even think of doing it as I didn’t wanna clog up the radio waves, but then I thought about it more, and realised that one like this was missing.

“It’s an escapism thing, too. I thought that it would be important for other people, not just women, to listen to us and humanise us. I think people forget that women are 50 percent of the population of the world, so there’s not really an excuse to be so out of touch with us being actual, real, multi-faceted people.”

Is this why Good For A Girl is important to you?

“Yes because that’s all of us. It’s a thing [as women] we all hear. Like, ‘Yeah you’re good...for a girl.’ The only people that we put in a different class are children. Like, ‘He’s a really good guitar player for a 5 year old’.”

Working in the music industry, what would you say has been the most important thing you’ve learnt and what has been the biggest surprise?

“I’ve biggest thing I’ve learnt is to really advocate for yourself and to not be so caught up in being worried about pleasing people. Because honestly when it comes down to it, if it’s not an authentic thing and you’re just trying to make sure everyone’s getting along, it always bites you in the ass in the end. I’d much rather someone think I’m a bitch and not want to work with me, rather than me work with them under a condition that I’m not really doing what I want to do.

“And a big surprise for me has been the amount of amazing women behind the scenes. That there’s all these women working out there that are there for me, that I didn’t even know existed.”

In metal especially, there usually seems to be a community of individuals who tend to react negatively to anything they define as “woke”, like women-led, political, etc. What has been the reaction to the podcast so far, and have you experienced any of this backlash?

“A little bit, but that’s what is so interesting about it. Sometimes you get so worked up about people being negative towards what you’re doing, or being frustrated because they’re clearly not understanding what you’re saying. Then you look at it and it’s the same people that are the loudest, so it’s really not that many people. I’ll go through and think, ‘Look at these mean comments’, and then I’ll be like, wait a second, this the same three guys, commenting the same stuff over and over.

“And then the day before International Women’s Day, I wrote a piece for Kerrang!, and it’s so ironic if you read it, because the article is basically me just explaining some of my negative experiences. The article is not really speaking to men, it's speaking to other women, specifically white women about how we need to actually hold ourselves accountable to have all women to be a part of feminism, and not just post infographics on our Instagram to make us feel woke and superior. We have to actually protect each other and have some intersectionality in our feminism. But the comments are literally just guys saying that I’m making up my experiences. They are there to invalidate my experiences, and it’s so ironic because there are no women in there going, ‘Wait a second, don’t paint all women the same way, we aren’t all a bunch of performative-wokeness ladies!'"

Would you say it's similar to being classed as a “female-fronted” band, as opposed to being known for your genre?

“Yeah, it’s so bizarre. And also, there’s the other side to it, the swing of the pendulum is that guys will think they are complimenting you by saying, ‘I hate all female metal vocalists they are all horrible and they suck, but you’re good. All the other ones are all slutty whores, but I like that you wear a turtleneck.’ I’m literally butt naked in three of our music videos. Just because you chose not to sexualise me in that capacity, doesn’t mean that I’m not a sexual being.

“And it’s so interesting because if I am doing what I want, and maybe another time I dress more revealing because I think that’s fucking awesome, then those people are gonna feel betrayed in some way because through seeing you like a flat one-dimensional being, they think you can’t be both.

“But I think we can all be both professional and sexy. Just like a guy can be very responsible and non-sexual and then when he chooses to be objectified he can take his shirt off and choose whether to be objectified or not, where he feels comfortable.”

What are you aiming to change through your work on your podcast, if anything?

“I want to change the music industry and hold all these people accountable that have been gatekeeping it. Every success that a metal band has helps the rest of us. The women, or those who identify as women, or even non-binary people who are moving forward and succeeding helps all of us because it makes our voice bigger. I just want to keep growing and dominating so I can start to make a change from the inside.

“Like when we were going around to labels, there were so many labels that were so sexist, and they didn't even realise they were being sexist because they don’t understand it. So it feels so great to prove all those record labels wrong, and then actually get to revisit working with them and tell them why I chose not to work with them. Because worse case scenario it’ll make me feel I got to be like ‘fuck you’, and then best case scenario it helps change their behaviour."

What happened at those record labels?

“One time when we were shopping the band around two years ago, this label felt completely comfortable in saying, ‘Oh you know what, this band is cool but we already signed a girl metal band and it didn’t do very well.’ And I was like, ‘You also signed a 100 shitty guy metal bands that didn’t do very well, are you gonna not sign any more bands with men in them?’

“My manager said to me, ‘You know this is great, these people are making themselves loud and clear to us, and we know that we never need to entertain working with them. I’m happy they are being vocally misogynistic and sexist because we don’t have to waste our time.’”

In your first episode of the podcast you said men usually look at women in bands as “gimmicks”. What needs to change to get men to stop viewing women in this way?

“I think one of the things that need to change is that we just need metal to become a more diverse group of listeners. I was watching an old Metallica concert, and I looked out, it was during the Black album phase, and half the crowd was women. And if you look at heavy music, if you look at Black Sabbath or Led Zeppelin, half the crowd is women. And I feel like metal, if I’m just going off my own listenership, the 50 percent has really moved away from women and metal has become a very monolithic group of listeners. It’s straight white men. And there’s nothing wrong with those people listening to it, but I always feel that when a music genre has a very narrow scope of listeners, it usually has lasting problems on the genre for its staying power, because I don’t think you can really succeed in making lasting music if you’re not creating it for all different types of people.

“But I think it’s changing. I think metal is becoming more diverse and therefore the genre itself will become better and stronger, because I think that diversity creates better art. I really truly believe that, so I think that the pendulum is swinging back. Because that was the heyday of metal music; there were more people that listened to it. I feel now it's lost its way sometimes, but I think it's finding it again. I think metal really is becoming more powerful and good.

“That’s a long winded way of explaining why we’re looked at as a gimmick, but basically it’s because there's not a lot of us. And for some reason a lot of people only see the identity first when they see someone who looks different to them.”

You also mention that there’s a pattern of men or “haters” putting women down through belittling them or patronising them, etc. What do you think is the intention behind this?

“I think the reason why they do that is because men have been taught by society that they are superior to us, and they don’t really have a lot of evidence to dispute that because that's what most of us have been brought up thinking. And I think that as a musician, especially as a lead singer, you are like the ringleader, you are the commander in chief of the whole show, and that's generally a masculine trait, at least that’s what we’re taught.

“My experiences are just like everyone’s else's, and when people are like, ‘What's it like? [being a woman]’ and I’m like, ‘I don’t know, it’s the same as your job or any job, there’s a lot of stuff that's annoying and some stuff that's actually physically dangerous, and you’re actually in danger. And it frustrates me so much when people are surprised at that like, ‘Oh really? I didn’t know that you had been assaulted by a guy?’ and I’m like, ‘Have you ever met a human woman? Literally all of us have been.’ The math isn’t added up guys, all of us have had something bad happen to us but somehow none of you have done it.

“If I found that my whole demographic was doing some horrible thing, my first thought would not be, ‘Well, I don’t do it’, I’d be like, ‘Yeah, we gotta figure this shit out.’ I think it’s getting better though, I think not my generation but the next one, Gen Z, they are more humanist, I think they don’t see categories of people as much, they see you as human and then your sub category.”

So what can we expect in your later episodes of the podcast?

“Well in my first couple of episodes I’m talking to people that are more like myself,  frontwomen, such as Caity [Babbs from SiriusXM] who is an amazing radio host and like a leader. I talked to Booka [Nile] from Make Them Suffer, who’s very much in front of the scene. And soon I’ll be talking to my friend Chaney [Crabb] from the band Entheos.

“The last couple episodes of what I’ll be putting out from this season will feature the people behind the scenes who are actually running everything. Those are the people that I’m the most fascinated by because it’s not really my experience. I think of them as the faceless puppet masters controlling everything. I’m learning so much from these women who are so badass, they’re like who I want to be someday with the power that they have and the integrity. They trust their intuition so much because that's their job.”

And lastly, can you give any hints on what the new Spiritbox record sounds like, what state it’s in and what people should expect?

“We’ve done our album, we’re done physically tracking it. Now we’re about to get into the monotony of mixing it, but I can’t believe it. This is the first time I’ve said it out loud. I’ve only listened to it fully a couple times as of now, but at least till we have all the track placement, you can expect to get pummelled with full anger and sadness. Like over and over.

“I’ve got to figure out the tracklisting because it's too much, it's too intense, you need breathing room in an album. This is a product of something that we didn’t want to have two years to develop, but we got about a good year almost 2 years, so the songs feel very lived in. They feel very familiar because we’ve been working on them for so long. So Constance and Holy Roller are the two singles that we put out in 2020, which we consider the outliers of the album, and the rest is everything in between that. I told someone else it’ll be like you’re in the mosh pit but crying. Crying in the mosh pit.”

Spiritbox’s debut album is due for release this year via Rise Records. The first three episodes of the Good For A Girl podcast are available now.

[traumatized-motherfuckers]

CPTSD relationship patterns on repeat

Listen wherever you stream, search “complex trauma” and subscribe. Or, find episodes, blog posts, and a private support community at t-mfrs.com

.............................................................................................................................

Things I’ve gotten good at throughout this Trauma journey:

Seeing connections between where I’m from and where I am

Thinking for the first time about where I’m going

Letting myself have emotions

Letting those emotions go

Redirecting my energy and attention away from ruminating

Being accountable for my own feelings

Being accountable for times of being a shithead

Listening and validating other humans

Listening and validating myself

Recognizing what circumstances do/don’t work for me

Realizing how my codependency plays with relationships

Letting go of self-hate inner critic talk

Reframing events with reasonable views

Accepting myself, even when I first want to thrash myself

Semi-consistently caring for myself

Setting realistic boundaries and goals

Sleeping

Things I’m still shitty at:

Letting my overwhelm skew reality

Anxious self-slave-driving

Being a snarky turd when my head is overloaded

Taking on other people’s energies and emotions

Trusting myself in all areas of life

Forming healthy relationships.

Okay, it’s that last one that has me most perpetually fighting feelings of panic and doom.

This seems like an apt way to kick off the new year. I think a lot of us have questions about relationships and would like to improve our operations in 2021. I can also tell you, this one is extremely appropriate looking back at the last year of my life.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned in the past few spins around the sun has been how romance does - and definitely doesn't - fit into my life. I think 2020 was particularly packed full of important lectures and pop quizzes, many of which I failed. It felt like knowing that the correct answer was C, but finding my hand filling in the circle for A every time, anyways.

This is a terrible ideaaaa... and I'm doing it. Pause for about 2 months. Now I'm upset that it was a terrible idea.

Yeah, it's been great. But I have no one to blame but myself. Because as much as I've worked on this trauma management life of mine, I haven't done a good job of working on the relationship aspect of it. I've let my usual patterns dominate. And that's what needs to be examined today.

I mean. Can someone tell me about healthy relationships in functional terms? What IS that even?

Look, I’m not hoping that someone will pop up and share some, “mutual respect, good communication, trust, support, care, similar goals, similar beliefs…” sort of shit. I fucking KNOW about the idealistic, flowery terms that all the light-hearted couples counselors recommend establishing for a happy relationship. I get it.

I’m not ignorant when it comes to the ways humans should interact. I’ve had enough experience with friendships and relationships, alike, to understand the basics of person-to-person interactions. I know I talk about myself like I’ve been a feral child locked in a cage for 20 years, but the truth is that if you met me on the streets I’d probably seem like a normal, well-adapted, personable human being. That Leo Ascendant component of my personality tricks people into actually thinking I’m an extrovert who wants attention. (Hilarious, explains a lot of comments I’ve gotten in my past)

Nah, I’m not asking for the trite descriptions of a healthy partnership that everyone who’s ever been friends on a basic girl’s Facebook has seen before in cursive writing on top of a washed-out pink-tinted field. Those are empty sounding words that I don’t believe most couples manage to put into action, no matter how many selfies they take together or labradoodles they adopt.

For me, Fuckers, the mystery isn’t, “in a fairytale world, how do two humans interact to have a lifelong bliss factory?” Respect, trust, appreciation, mutual understanding… blah blah blah. What the fuck ever.

The real question is how.

And, shit, let me just be honest with all of you - not just the Patrons who’ve already heard my personal bitching - it’s on my mind because I did a thing I definitely should not have… recently, I got into a new romantic relationship that I definitely was not looking for. I’ll spare you all the details today, but know that I’ve entered it kicking and screaming, and it’s caused me a lot of grief already.

Let the life shittery begin! Can’t wait to be destroyed.

Today, I want to bring this personal fire burning in my gut into the podcast. Motherfuck me, if it hasn’t become difficult to ignore… plus, I know that a lot of us Traumatized folks are in a similar boat when it comes to relationship confusion, unhealth, and destruction. So let’s just count the ways that I have no idea how to do this right and I’m destined to be let down by my poor choices.

This time around, I'm bringing you a list of all the ways I tend to fuck things up with other humans. In part, due to Complex Trauma. In other part, probably due to my own personal shortcomings. Listed in no particular order. On a later date, I'm going to be revisiting a lot of these patterns as I examine how early life set a lot of us up for a lot of abuse acceptance in greater detail. Stick around for those continuations on romantic disaster, if this sounds like you, too.

I'm talking about:

Partner choice: Musicians, narcissists, and addicts

Emotional codependency

Mistrust

… That turns into willful blind belief of their words

Inadequacy

Parenting analogues

Authority figures & disappointment

Misdirected commitment

Learned helplessness

Partner choice: Musicians, narcissists and addicts

Who has bad taste in partners? Over and over and over again? It’s me! And probably a lot of you.

Maybe that’s not fair. Maybe they’ve been wonderful guys who just didn’t mesh well with my inner or outer world… but I can tell you, there have been some similarities, and they don’t bode well for a happy future together.

You know me by now. Difficulty connecting with “normal” humans, no interest in small talk, a huge fan of deep emotional honesty, a bit gritty and assholeish, tends to be repelled by anything too widely embraced by the general public, definitely comes with a difficult past, fears of the future, and ongoing challenges in the present.

So, who do you think I get along with? Ivy leaguers with stable, supportive families, an optimistic outlook, and a 20-year plan? Or equally messy and complex humans with a set of neuroses handed down from their unexamined early traumas that make them similarly bitter and disillusioned with life? Just… probably hidden from immediate sight.

Grown men who’ve responsibly built a life for themselves with ambition, personal insight, and balance? Or man-children who’re still figuring out that they can’t drink every night of the week if they want to be functional in life and financially sound? But... with their addictions hidden behind “an appreciation for fine whiskies” or a necessity to sample the craft beer they brew.

Independent, confident humans who have no problem running their own world like a boss and trust that I’m capable of doing the same, with integrity and respect? Or distrustful turds who need me to be in their sight, half-directing their lives at all times unless I’m aiming to be accused of cheating, lying, and being unable to care for myself? Only… they hide their controlling and aggressive tendencies behind go-with-the-flow facades in the beginning.

If you guessed “B” in all three examples, you are correct!

Plus... so, so many musicians. Like, the last 6 of them have either subscribed to guitar or drum camp. And that hasn't been a purposeful decision - those are just the men I get along with until we hate each other.

It's always a rapid connection, a mutual respect for our interests in the arts, and a shared shitty attitude that starts out directed at the world and ends directed at each other. So many emotions. So many ups and downs. So many proclamations of "I can't live without you!" until the day we run in opposite directions and never look back.

Is that a coincidence? Or are all musical folk a bit wild? I hate to generalize, but I can tell you with great amusement that if you start typing "Are all musicians..." into Google, it will autocomplete with "cheaters, narcissists, and crazy." It also suggests "rich," but I can tell you for a fact that isn't true. The narcissist thing... uh.... very well might be correct. But I'll leave that for someone else to study.

So, I don't know what to make of this trend. There do seem to be some commonalities between the musicians in my past life - and they do seem to be categorized by the instrument of choice. For instance, drummers are never concerned with my time, and guitarists are emotional catastrophes. But what do I know? Can't make sweeping conclusions... I, at least, need a larger sample size. With my track record, I'm sure I'll have the numbers soon enough.

Congratulations if you predicted nothing but unstable disasters in my past. It's true, I’m an idiot. Okay, that’s not fair. No inner critic talk. Get out of here, Pam and Karen.

The fact of the matter is, I am a terrible judge of character when I start sensing a connection. I tend to connect with people who have complicated lives and inner worlds, just like I do. And from what I can tell, that is always my downfall.

Challenging connections

Let’s go ahead and chalk this one up to never having close connections or support growing up.

You know what I always wanted, hoped for, and idealized as a kid? Someone loving me. Another human actually understanding my weirdness and signing on for more. The idea of a human who wanted to know what I thought and felt. The option of spending time with someone and feeling cared for. Also, somebody finding me attractive, instead of being repulsed by my ass-length ginger hair, flat chest, dorky hand-me-downs, bleach-stained horse sweaters, and buck teeth... also would have been a dream come true.

I’m pretty sure that growing up lonely didn’t help me in any regard when it came to my later-in-life relationship problems. Starving for connection apparently puts you in a state of deprivation, where you’re likely to think anything is better than the empty feeling inside. You know, just for the rest of your life or so.

To this day, if I meet someone and we’re able to converse without abundant clarifications or apologies for the prickly things that come out of my mouth as dry humor or unbendable opinions… we’re on a roll. If we can connect over shared perspectives on humans, life, and psychology… things are getting more serious. If we can honestly talk about the ways we’re horrible to ourselves and joke about our shared challenges in figuring out what the point of this shitty slip-and-slide of life is about… uh oh, this might be a real connection.

And so, it makes sense that I connect with all the most complicated people you’d ever meet. And we connect INTENSELY. I’m complicated, myself, and I look for folks who can accept it without their heads exploding. I’m never going to be happy holding conversations with Sports Bar Joe or Pretty Boy Blaine. They’re never going to understand the internal strife that dominates my world. I’m never going to understand how they can be all *happy,* *close with their families,* and *laid back about life.*

Gross. I can’t even say the words.

But give me the angstiest, most anxious, most misunderstood dude on the block, and we’re likely to get along swimmingly. We’ll talk over beers until the birds start to chirp. We’ll joke in our native tongues, playing with words, obscure references, and dry humor as if we’ve known each other for 25 years. We’ll share secrets about our tumultuous inner worlds and the ways that we can’t seem to get our heads on straight enough to keep our ships on course.

And the next thing you know, we’ll be incestuously connected with a somewhat false sense of intimacy that erupts out of the gates. “No one has ever understood me the way you do. I can really be myself around you. I’ve never had such easy conversations about this shit before.”

… That’s about the point when I lose all perspective. There’s a tunnel running from my face to this dude’s heart. I stop seeing things for what they are. I project a kinder, gentler, more well-intended personality on the subject of my feels. I quickly turn a blind eye to all the shit they’re doing that I wholeheartedly hate or otherwise cause my red flags to be unpacked.

I feel like I know them, inside and out. I feel like I can help them - like we can help each other - to sort through this dumb world we’ve been born into and all the circumstances holding us back. A real Sid and Nancy storyline emerges. No one gets him like I do. If only they could see the things I see. We’re just two broken souls who found each other, a little rough around the edges, but we see the diamonds underneath. And we’re in this battle together from now on.

Yeah, right.

Sooooo… This is how I wind up with the unpredictable narcissists who seem like nice guys, the secret addicts who keep their substance abuse hidden from everyone, and the emotional abusers who are ready to leverage my mental health admissions against me the first time they get the chance. Dudes who have highly emotional worlds and no idea how to deal with them. Men who don’t want to explore their own shortcomings and instead choose avoidant courses in life.

And, again, the musicians. So, so many musicians. I really am coming to think that they’re the most fucked up people of all - and that's saying a lot coming from me. Generally speaking, I've seen that there’s no sense of personal responsibility, an obsession with themselves, and a hidden inferiority complex that turns them into bitchy little dogs when they feel threatened. What’s with that, anyways? Can you guys try to be more original in your plight to be the most original?

Okay, anyways. Sorry to keep dragging on musicians.

The point is, my attempts at relationships start out on the wrong foot. Choosing the wrong partner is a pretty surefire way to dash all hopes for those fluffy ideals I mentioned earlier. No one is going to respect me, listen to me, or support me when they’re too busy dealing with their own alcoholism, abandonment issues, and narcissistic flailings… or, not dealing with them, to be more specific.

We aren’t going to be able to work through things when they’re consumed with being the king of the world, hiding from all negative emotions, and trying to keep their head away from analysing their own actions. Hell, it’ll be difficult to even find the time for serious talks, since they’re so busy traveling to band practices, hustling away for barely-paying gigs, and staring at their social media while they count the ways they’re victims of the universe.

Choose imbalanced, mentally ill, self-serving partners… get unhealthy, controlling, unpredictable relationships. Pretty goddamn obvious. And yet, I still can never seem to see the full picture of the human who’s caught my attention through the fog that’s created by the connection of our shared dysfunctions.

I guess this is where that, “love yourself and get yourself healthy first,” sentiment comes into play, so the connections don’t continue to be as disasterious as your personal experience is. Hopefully I’m on the right path in my own journey, at least. Also, a lot less starved for connection. I got y’all Motherfuckers in the Discord community, for starters. And I’ve become determined to live a life where I support myself and rely on no one outside of Archie’s snuggles, for finishers.

Step one: Be careful about who you deem a good person, just because you can share self-deprecating jokes about being nutjobs and similar musical interests. Learn to choose someone who isn’t an even trashier trash human than you are. It’s a start.

Emotional codependency

Hand in hand with forming connections that include deep emotional outpourings and admissions of all the dark things we hide from the light at our office jobs… comes codependency.

I’ve said it before and let me say it again… I didn’t understand codependency until very recently.

In my mind, it was akin to those creepy couples who won’t leave the house without each other, have the same friends, interests, and opinions on everything... and possibly wear matching cat shirts. Those people who never spend time with other humans because they're too busy being shoved up their partner’s ass. The folks who call to check in on each other throughout the day when they’re at work. Gag. Particularly, I imagined those pathetic girls who cry when their boyfriend is out of sight and post 12 pictures a day of them together.

Rightfully, I scoffed and insisted that I didn't have problems with codependency. That’s not me. But it turns out, this view isn’t quite right, so much as I was being an uninformed asshole.

Codependency doesn’t mean you’re a needy, incapable human being who sucks the life power out of someone else, like I used to think. Codependency is a two-way relationship defined by poor boundaries and non-existent emotional regulation. Two humans who see their experiences as one, all the way down to how they feel and how they deal with how they feel. (i.e. turning to their significant other for comfort and emotional control in a time of need instead of working through it by themselves). Relationships where the emotions are transferred from party to party until it's unclear who’s bringing what dish to the gathering. Waking up not knowing how your day is going to be, because it depends on how someone else feels about theirs. Emotional enablement city.

Oh, yeah, when you put it like that, I definitely have issues with codependency.

For me, the codependency is largely going to be emotional. In the past, I didn’t know how to have a relationship of any sort without having a third influence in the mix. There was the person, myself, and our shared emotions... that often called more shots than either of us did.

Because I tend to be on the empath scale (although I do everything I can to fight it out of defense), I think I’m naturally tuned into other people’s emotional and energetic states, for better or for worse. When someone walks into the room with a bad vibe, I feel it to my core. I become so uncomfortable that I take it on myself to try to “fix” the problem for them, and in doing so, I avoid the negative sensation, myself. This is negative reinforcement, if anyone wanted to ABA with me.

That being said, clearly if my boo is having a hard time… it’s not okay. They’re in a shit place and therefore so am I. I must do whatever I can to make it better. To sit down and talk in circles with them, if that’s what relieves some of their tension. To commiserate about how unfair the circumstances are. To validate the negativity that they’re projecting and wallowing in.

Don’t worry though, this goes the other way, too. In the past, I have fully expected my romantic partners to alleviate any inner discomfort that I’ve felt. If I was having a low-down day, I wanted them to cheer me up. If I was full of anxiety, I wanted them to find a way to release it. If I was frustrated with a work situation or coworker, I wanted them to be as angry and indignant as I felt.

So… I guess that doesn’t even sound too off-base to me, at least not when I’m leaning on my teenage expectations of what relationships are supposed to be. In my head, it was always completely ideal that I would wind up with someone who could essentially read my thoughts and comfort me like my family never did. I just wanted someone who would be by my side, thinking about me all the time, and working double time to make sure I was keeping my depression and anxiety on the up-and-up. Is that too much to ask? Uh… yeah, it is.

Maybe in a fairytale love story like the ones I saw in teenage romance movies growing up, this is the perfect way for two broken misfits to interact. “We’re both so damaged and hurt that no one has ever really seen us - but now we have each other to lick our shared wounds.” Yeah, romantic. Also really fucked up and dangerous in the real world.

The problem is, after a few months of this, it gets pretty hard to determine what’s my experience and what’s yours. The emotions become so transitive that it can be invigorating, immersive, overwhelming, and exhausting to be in each other’s company, depending on the day and the event. Living together or essentially sharing a residence makes it much worse - there’s no physical barrier between us, so that emotional barrier is even less existent. We don't have to try to text about our woes, we can just unleash them the moment we step foot in the door. Ready or not, your night is about to be ruined by my day, and vice-versa.

How does this go wrong? Uh, let’s count the ways.

1. My emotional management was never up to par, in the first place. Having your feelings catapulted my way effectively pushes me off the balance beam that I was already wobbling on. If I was having a difficult day but holding it together on my own through coping techniques and reasonable thinking - fucking forget it, that’s over now. We’re both in a shitty state now. Great. In the context of trying to recover from mental health issues… yeah, it’s a fucking disaster. Being retriggered by your partner or sucked into a depressive undertow when you’re trying to make positive change is a losing battle.

2. I never learned how to cope with my own emotions. There was generally someone else for me to hurtle them at, and our subsequent hours of bitching would give me the comfort I was looking for. I didn’t need to learn to manage my feelings - I always had a glorified babysitter to keep me alive. I never had to be accountable for my inner world. I never had to look at things with logic or reason. I could let myself spiral and trust that my best friend or boyfriend would catch me before I slipped down the drain.

3. It becomes impossible to talk about issues - personal or shared. When you’re already sharing emotions there’s an explosive effect when conflict is brought up. Neither one of us knows how to handle our shit, we expect the other person to hold us up with kid gloves, annnd now that person is the source of my distress? We’re both completely beside ourselves, upset, hurt, and angry… and it’s towards each other? Now who the fuck do we call? There's a huge sense of confusion and betrayal. No one has the skills to de-escalate the argument or return to a normal emotional state.

4. How do you break up when half of your existence is in the body of another human? You can’t mentally or emotionally separate yourself from them. Physically separating yourself feels like ripping out a few of your organs and leaving them on the streets. And, who’s going to keep you afloat when you’re going through the pain of the break up? That’s the job of your partner, afterall… can’t have a vacant desk sitting here. It’s best to just suck it up and stick with it. No one would understand what you’ve both been through together, anyways.

In a word, that’s codependency.

Not what people think it is. Not what our culture describes it as. Not so easy to spot until you’re educated and honest with yourself… plus, probably viewing things through the lenses of hindsight.

Definitely a sneaky recipe for disaster when you let it take over a well-intended, emotionally transparent, highly connective relationship. And, Motherfuckers, I’ve always tended to.

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