#my bf told me today that he was thinking of going back to therapy after thinking about a situation that happened to him and how he reacted

[lovelornnobodyknows]

the bar is really in hell huh

[thoughtcock]

One year later since my last post...

I'll have to say, so many things have changed. For the better. But also, I couldn't have been more out of touch with my own feelings. Time that could be used reflecting went on to the following:

Spending time with said ex-colleague, our relationship has evolved into something stable, comforting. A little less lonely in this city

New apartment by myself, furnishing/cleaning (I have so much more to say about this hehe)

New job with new benefits and perks, long work hours yet still having work life balance. Time spent learning how to deal with breaking news, make sense of filings, find specific figures, to make sense of this financial work

Everything is nice, but I am also yearning for more?

Boyfriend: how we can have a better quality relationship instead of just being each other's ranting bags/favour do-ers. Quite frankly we are in different phrases of life. I got out of my rut, while he's still knee deep in his. I don't want to discount his troubles, but damn the negative vibes sometimes just eats to me. For someone who's been in a rut I ought to be more understanding, but I also can't discount my own feelings of wanting something more than just "ugh everything in my life sucks" vibes creeping around me all the time. what is the right sense of balance in this case?

New apartment: I find myself becoming much happier since I moved to this space. A space that is truly mine, without much sharing apart from bf coming over regularly and helps with logisitics/some chores/companionship. I think for the first time in my life I truly feel like I'm creating a safe space, a HOME for myself. I never felt like that in the past. So that leaves me wanting to do more for this house. A new air fryer? More decor? fancy plates? A projector? What can i buy to make my home more homely? Or am I just spending too much and having to make space for so many more new items which could drag me down potentially? i'm also becoming neater and more organised (i know right who am i), so how do i want my space to be respected?

New job: how can i do more to drive up the career ladder? do i even want to do that when i already have enough in terms of pay and benefits? or do i want to keep building that validation amognst my colleagues and managers? what is it that i want to do for myself at this job? truth be told, its a cushy job that comes with high;y stressful moments and so so so much more to learn as well. how do i keep that balance of learning more without overwhelming myself?

I haven't been going for therapy ever since that B*etterH*lp counsellor semi-ghosted me after our last session. The good thing is my company now has quite a few mental help resources, so i'm trying to restart my therapy journey again. because despite all the new and good thigns coming in, i find myself shoving all my inner feelings and moments for self-reflection aside. sometimes the negative thoughts creep in, and i just feel kinda disillusioned/jaded in a way. i feel like i want to push people away and just be on my own. and i dont know why. i feel like it could be because im expecting more from my bf and hes just been too cooped up in his own negativity/issues.

i spend too much time doom-scrolling and thinking about all the other things that needed my immediate attention more. why would i spend time digging up on how my parents raising me has made me who i am today, when i have to spend time soothing my bf or preparing a tv hit for monday or thinking of what to cook for dinner or just being on twitter reading up on wars and influencer gossip? which is why i am finally back on this little space of mine.

I need time for myself to reflect.

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

7.30.23 Sunday

7:46 am

I still have pelvic pain and they can't assist me here my 2 Uncle's, so sad story. I need a massage therapy on Elsie angels...

Uncle Jun will go out now going to baranggay forest of Georgia + Betsilog'z gang ( always wearing a plastic coats)...

7:57 am

I still have windblow trap ... I'm thinking and still need of money and job ( in a lil while )...

I'm not happy being flatten this way... Not happy being not able to buy even my basics lotions and kojic soaps ( that supposed to be I can have my body shops africa salt scrubs and lotions/ body butter ).... Not happy being not ( verb to be + adverb of frequency not bad at all ) able to buy my coffee machines and my different coffee's... I'm not happy at all being this way... Not happy being not able to go to gym or buy a new yoga mat...

9:30 am

Still,having windblow trap... Just scanning English words and phrase here coz if you are not using it, you will forget it...

It is just funny to remember this Fill-up and Fill-out and Fill-in ( the usual thing that our teachers here used in our test papers,right? Angels in the Philippines and somewhere here and there).

Well, it is just funny,I remember from my younger years that someone asked me what is the term I usually used "fill-out" but then in school we saw "fill-in" the blanks then someone told me to fill-up and I was just quiet and smiled.

Did I mention here or on my other tumbler pages that my "adoptive parent's" always sent me to have my English refresher during my teenage years like I had my own personal house tutor ( Hi Mr Jhonny, my high school house personal tutor in Immaculate Conception Academy) then went to "Speech and Power" twice or thrice for my English conversation course and pronunciation...

Yeah! I did my English conversation course during high-school, college ( most specially before my 18th birthday and after and after and until these days) meaning they always wanted me to speak or remember speaking in English...

10:03 am

Again, I don't want a bf who can't speak English....I just shared here...

On other angle, Uncle DD called about the cable ,wifi and about Neko and I told him if I don't have lotions they shouldn't buy a dog food... Too much high society people, Uncle DD said it was ordered by Aunt Karen. I told him that for the equality Neko should eat rice for awhile coz I have no lotions and no extras here then why Neko will have her dog food... Then, I told him to pass the obligation again on Uncle Jun.

I love Neko but if I will appear here as Aunt Karen's maid, I don't know, will give up on Neko..They can't give even for my lotions...

But dog can tell if you are bad or good person... If they will buy a dog food for Neko just order Uncle Jun coz I'm appearing as if I'm a maid here.. Go back to their partnership Neko and Uncle Jun, if they will buy her a dog food but no lotions for me and no vitamin C for John...

The ways of Aunt Karen and Uncle DD are not fair... Wifi is no longer need here.... I wanna job and they are damaging me again and again... I don't like them all!!!

It is fair to let Neko eat rice or my porridge for awhile.... While they can't give me my lotions... But buying Neko her dog food and me? Without my lotions are not fair and not balance!

4:07 pm

For the recap... Uncle DD asked me about the wifi bill, what about it? I told him that RV and Janna were already in New Zealand and Uncle DD was shocked to hear that... He said what about the bills for cable? I told him I don't know...

4:18 pm

Then,now RV and Janna are here... I told them why? They told me it was cancelled but still they are on process to fly out... RV gave me their wifi equipment or router he said that I need to request a new connection for wifi...

4:53 pm

I still have windblow trap... Still, thinking of money and job ( in a lil while )... I still feel bitterish....I wanted to gain new uppish friends and new good people along the way...

I still feel self-pity...

Thanks Janna for these,happy today...

7:23 pm

Done,eating dinner with John and I still fed Lalah and Neko ( I pity the dogs if nobody will take care of them but I also have my own personal self-pity ) since this Uncle Jun is still sick and he is having asthma now...

Uncle Jun already hanged those washed floormats, he washed it this afternoon when he came back from the forest... But after that he just sat in the kitchen and saw him had a hard time breathing coz his asthma is attacking him again...

I checked Neko had poops so I just cleaned that... I just want a consideration on me here I still need to maintain beauty products such as maintaining lotions et al...

I have stress and agony? Yeah! It is considered agony...

8:42 pm

News Up! Saw this on the general wall, outside my space here...

I posted a reply about this!

[parcoeurs]

Extremely fascinated by your wag AU tag 👀.

thanks bestie so am i.

okay lmao so this isn't an actual fic that'll ever be written but. i was talking to my friend about it who still hasn't finished dts season 3 unfortunately but it means that i've switched around ages and years etc. i promise this has the potential to be a fun and sexy time but there's just s o much background shit that needs to be discussed. tw for mentions of irl deaths etc:

but pierre & charles meeting when they're 5-6 (which is what i think charles actually says irl but someone said it might've been closer to when they were 10-11? regardless.) and charles' dad passes away when they're 9-10, and jules when they're 13-14 and charles quits racing then. (fyi i know that irl jules passed away first)

he thinks about quitting when his dad passes away but keeps going with help from jules. so when the accident etc happens, it's not even like an active decision he ponders. he just knows there's no way he'll race again.

and pierre's been with him throughout everything, his best friend who he can talk to when he can't bear looking at his own family. so he doesn't understand when pierre tells him he's going to keep racing. when charles had told him he was never going to get into a kart ever again, pierre had nodded, grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight. important to note that they're barely teenagers rn so yes charles feels betrayed that pierre isn't feeling the same things he is and isn't choosing the same future for himself etc.

they have a huge fight, lots of crying, lots of dramatic teenage angst. but it ultimately ends with charles shutting pierre out of his life. which is easier said than done when it's your best friend whose family is super close with yours. but it works because pierre is off racing around the world and charles has done all he can to never have to think about that stuff.

so charles goes to school, is doing uni somewhere in europe. studies something generic like business or maybe if i'm feeling suuuuper indulgent i will have him major in environmental studies like moi <3 pointedly does not come to monaco during grand prix weekend or the week before or the week after.

and then anthoine passes away too. (they're 20-21 now)

they see each other again at the funeral but don't talk, they meet up afterwards. pierre breaking down in charles' arms, clutching at his back, telling him he was right. pierre should've quit, he can't do this anymore either. they haven't said a word to each other in 7 years but charles still knows pierre, and knows that this isn't actually what pierre wants. or what he should do. (charles vaguely knows pierre's in f1 but doesn't know he's with redbull, doesn't know redbull's the top team etc)

"you can still do this, you will," charles tells him.

"not without you again."

so then comes the challenge of mending their relationship while still working through the shared trauma, and the Layers of past trauma. and also just the general awkwardness that comes with a friendship breakup/makeup situation you know! they can't just act like nothing happened but would it be easier that way?

they start texting first, then they play fifa or cod together. (sometimes pierre's british friend lewis joins too.)

slowly slowly slowly, they become friends again and then inseparable too. maybe even closer than they were before and charles only now realizes how much he missed pierre. while pierre still can't believe he has charles back now, it's as good as he let himself imagine.

the part i'm unsure about is if i would want pierre's career trajectory to be the same or not. because i think the demotion adds SUCH a painful but interesting aspect to his ~storyline. but ultimately i think maybe he just doesn't get the second seat immediately. spends more years with toro rosso/alpha tauri before getting "called up" (sorry i have no idea what the proper terminology is haha ignore the nba/nhl terms).

he invites charles to his first race in the red bull and charles says no. immediately. pierre's quiet on the other side of the phone, internally thinking he messed this up somehow. he thought things were going well and he takes this as charles doesn't want to see him. but he knows there's a lot more that's stopping charles and he also knows charles will definitely pull back if pierre asks about the other stuff. so he moves right along, asking charles about school, the weather, and tries not to let it show in his voice that he misses his best friend and needs him too.

"i'm going to try to watch," charles says, after pierre's yawned goodnight through the phone and is waiting for him to hang up. because you know pierre's not going to hang up first.

"what?"

"the race. i'm going to try. goodnight!" mentally charles slams the phone shut but really he just smashes at the red button before shoving it under his bed and looking at his hands trying to get answers for what he just did.

his only relief is that he didn't promise pierre he would watch, just that he would try. couldn't even choke out a, "good luck." (insert long paragraph about charles letting pierre down or thinking he has).

he only watches qualifying. pierre p3. already knows on saturday that there's no way he can watch the actual race.

but on sunday when he's supposed to be going over his notes for his climate change science & policy course (yes.... i did it...) he finds himself with his heart in his mouth refreshing formula1 dot com. watches the random names move up and down while keeping his eyes on 10 - gasly. (starts shaking for a second when he sees pierre's name drop until the IN PIT sign comes up across his name. fellas the thing about triggers is-- anyways.)

the scariest part is that by the time he's scrolled through all of red bull's socials to look at pictures of pierre on the podium (he finished p2 sorry i know this truly does not matter), he's forgotten about the race. the anxiety sits small in the back of his throat, his happiness for pierre is bright and loud in front of him. charles sends him a message, asking him to call whenever he can and adds a blue & red heart emoji which feels like a Big Step. but basically pierre calls and acts like nothing has happened since the last time they talked. mentions the breakfast he had in detail as if he didn’t get a podium in his first race with red bull. finally with a big team. but charles embarrassingly realizes that maybe his text didn't exactly imply in literally any way whatsoever that he knows the results of the race and was trying to congratulate pierre with this call. charles probably feels so embarrassed at this point but somehow still can't manage to say anything about the race until the next day maybe.

maybe texts pierre, good job. or, you were great. or something about him and not the race. or maybe reposts a picture from red bull but not one of pierre in his car, pointedly. only one of him on the podium. and pierre probably reposts it with the squid emoji and/or my favourite sentence in the world, merci petit calamaro.

charles cries when he reads it.

not to be lazy now but [insert 10k words of them building their friendship. meeting up in monaco with both of their families. meeting in milan or london or paris idk where pierre would live. but he flies charles out. not on a private jet because charles flat out refused lol. not because he's an environmentally conscious king he's just too, embarrassed? overwhelmed? by pierre doing Things Like That for him. even though he wants it lol. like when he graduates he's soooo annoyed that pierre couldn't come celebrate immediately because it was race week. but when he comes home his apartment is filled with flowers (roses, his favourite) and balloons and a giant teddy bear as tall as charles. and he DOES post 12 instagram stories to go with the other 30 from his other friends congratulating him. so yeah charles goes through a lot of personal growth and therapy. to the point where he's watching pierre race again, and waiting for him to invite him to a race again!!! do not even think about actual dates i'm fucking begging you but the one he goes to is monza :))))]

ultimately charles' path to understand/accepting/moving on from, his trauma, happens once he has pierre back in his life. it's also encouraged by pierre, but it's also not entirely because of him. not sure how to word that but yeah. these things are happening at the same time but charles still has to go through them by himself.

pierre takes him on romantic dates all around the world and charles doesn't realize that's what they are. fully in his bestie vibes only mood while pining for pierre in a way he doesn't even quite understand. almost a self deprecating, jeez whoever gets to date pierre is going to be so lucky :/

fanpage on ig: met pierre's alleged bf he's so pretty and sweet, i complimented his shoes and he was so nice. charles reading that: i didnt know he was dating someone :( why wouldn't he tell me :( well at least someone complimented my shoes today :(

pierre doesn't necessarily think they're dating, but he does know charles doesn't quite realize what they're doing so he's just waiting for him to come to terms with it.

not to give this au 10 different subplots but yeah that miscommunication plot becomes our prize for surviving through the first part of this.

but yeah at the last race of the year, that pierre wins because i said so? charles finds him before he goes on to the podium, kisses his helmet. says i love you, i'm so proud of you.

THEN, finally, charles does become pierre's wag. we made it kids. we did it joe.

[ayellowcurtain]

a story where Robbe and Sander are a couple but they have hidden because Sander's parents are homophobic, so only the Broers know that they are both together, so Sander in front of everyone has a relationship with Britt, just to make happy to his parents. But with the passage of time, Robbe can no longer bear when he learns from the girls that Britt and Sander have sex. So he decides to ignore Sander and end his relationship. Sander falls, he cannot bear to be without Robbe so he decides to win back his love, but it is difficult since Robbe does not want to know anything about him. So months later, after leaving the closet with his family, finishing up with Britt and risking his death for Robbe, they are together again. 

could I give you prompt about Sander who accept a bet with his friends to win Robbe's heart and be his bf, along the way Sander is head over heels to Robbe but some times later Robbe found out about the bet

Part 2

Sander sits on the bench he grew attached to for the past few months. He puts his bag right next to him and grabs his sketchpad and his favorite pen. This sketchpad is almost full, he needs to maybe stop at the art supply store and search for a new one.

This is the best part of his days and Sander keeps repeating that to himself, while seeing Robbe’s face over and over again with every single page, all of them filled with Robbe’s face, his hands, his soft eyes, his hair. Sander is almost sure he covered every angle possible.

He uses this as a therapy. Extra sessions. It helps to draw him, to remember how he looks, how small and sparkly his eyes get when he smiles. Sander enjoys the time he spends drawing every line slowly.

He sighs, moving on to finding a new page. It’s easy like breathing, his memory picks a favorite moment for the day and Sander is already drawing, confident that he’ll be able to finish in time. He gets so carried away, working on some details that he only notices how much time has passed when a heavy hand rests on his shoulder.

“This is getting tiring,” Jens complains, offering his hand and Sander sighs, looking at what he made. It’s not perfect, but it’ll have to do. He rips the page from his sketchpad and carefully folds it in half, giving it to Jens.

“You think it’s working?” Jens shrugs, putting it inside his pocket, looking across the street, no sign of Robbe.

“He likes you.” He says like Sander doesn’t know that. Robbe likes him. For once, Sander was with someone he was madly in love with. He wasn’t just settling with someone. He knew Robbe loved him and Sander loves him so much it’s scary. And when Robbe needed him to stand up for them, he didn’t. Robbe found out things with Britt weren’t that fake for her instead.

“But he’s really hurt. I’m sure he’ll punch me any time now when I give him another one of your drawings.”

Sander puts his things back inside his bag, closing it and getting up, standing next to Jens, watching the school gate. “I can try to talk to him.”

“No, it’s okay. I think it’s best if you keep your distance.” They keep looking at each other, diggesting the information that it’s still too soon, almost four months after the break up, not really knowing what to say to each other.

Jens is Robbe’s best friend since they were little. They have their ups and downs too so Sander should take his word for it because if there’s someone that knows when Robbe is angry, it’s Jens. But it’s been months. Sander is starting to think it’s really over. And he can’t stand the idea.

So he comes here, sits across the street from Robbe’s school and draws something for him. Jens comes, grabs the drawing and makes sure it gets to Robbe’s hands. The firs time he came, Robbe looked around and found him and Sander knew it would take a lot more than a drawing. He tried talking to Robbe that day, but he wouldn’t listen.

After that, Sander took a step back. He tried calling, texting, but Robbe ignored him every time. He didn’t even read the messages.

Not until a few days ago, late at night. Sander was wide awake at two in the morning and he was staring at his texts unanswered, thinking if he should try again. It had been a few weeks since the last time he tried, and then Robbe’s icon showed on the side of his texts, meaning he was reading them, finally, at two in the morning.

So Sander started coming back to the school, hoping one day Robbe would stop ignoring him, clearly avoiding to look where he knew Sander would be, cross the street and say he was willing to give Sander another chance.

Sander shakes Jens’ hand and he walks away, looking both ways before rushing to wait for his friends where they always meet, his hand still inside his pocket where the drawing is.

It’s still too soon. Sander thinks about leaving before Robbe appears outside, but he waits anyway, trying to focus on other people, on his own shoes, anywhere else.

When he breaks and looks up, Robbe is already there, with his drawing in his hands, looking at it. He drew the look in Robbe’s face the last night they spent together. They went to their bar, Robbe got a little too drunk and needy. He was pouting when he asked Sander to go to his place even though they both knew it wasn’t possible. It was just a joke.

Sander woke up the next morning and Robbe was crying, sitting on a chair in his kitchen, with Jana and Zoe around him and Sander didn’t even had to ask. It was a big fight, Sander argued with Jana too. He doesn’t know how Jens is not angry at him either. She just didn’t have any right to tell Robbe that way. Sander was going to tell him, just not the way she did, happy to see them arguing because of her stupid friend.

Robbe looks at Sander and he stops thinking. Robbe is looking at him for the first time in a long time. They move in sync: when Robbe folds the drawing and puts inside his pocket, leaving the boys behind, Sander crosses the street just as fast, following him, holding the strap of his bag tighter.

“Robbe…”

“Leave me alone,” He doesn’t slow down, doesn’t sound like he wants to talk, but he’s talking so Sander runs to catch up to him, standing in his way. He stutters, looking at Robbe closely after so many months apart.

“I told my parents about you.”

“What?” Robbe was about to start a fight, but he stops, the crease in between his eyebrows slowly disappearing. “What did they say?”

Sander breathes out slowly, taking the opportunity to notice every detail in Robbe’s face his memory might have missed, “We had a fight. I moved out. I’m leaving by myself now, closer to college…”

Robbe really looks at him now, a hint of worry in his eyes, “I’m sorry…”

“I’m sorry too. For us. For ruining everything.” Sander wets his lips with his tongue, not wanting to spend the few minutes Robbe is willing to give him talking about his shitty parents, “Can we talk? Tonight, maybe…”

Robbe threatens to start walking again and Sander stands just a little closer, carefully holding the edge of Robbe’s jacket. “I’m busy...we’ve finals next week.”

“Please, Robbe. You can pick the place and I’ll just show up.” Robbe is staring at his lips. Sander knows that because he’s not very different, needing to hold himself in place not to kiss Robbe without a warning, “We were together for over a year. Just give me a chance.”

He doesn’t answer, but Robbe is not walking, leaving him behind, so Sander continues. “I would love for you to meet where I’m staying now. I promise I’ll behave myself. You can bring the boys if you want. I just want to spend some time with you.”

“You don’t want them there while we talk.” Robbe tries not to smile, but the corners of his lips are slightly up.

“No. But I’ll let you decide how we’re going to do this. If you feel more comfortable with them around…”

Robbe nods his head, trying to keep his eyes on Sander’s. “I trust you will not try to do anything if we’re alone.”

Sander nods his head, trying to stop hearing his heart beating inside his ears. “I won’t. And I’m happy you trust me.”

“I’ll think about it.” Robbe decides, slowly trying to walk away again, but Sander whines, moving to stand in front of him again.

“Is it too much to ask for an answer right now? I won’t be able to live until you answer me…” Robbe finally smiles a little bit and Sander can’t imagine how long today is going to be.

“Okay. I’ll go. Text me the adress.”

And he’s in so much shock he can’t do anything when Robbe walks away, thinking about how the art supply store will have to wait. He thought so much about this day. And now he only has a few hours to execute everything perfect.

[mycptsdstory]

Trigger warning; this is about attempted murder and server abuse.

I will always celebrate this day because this is the day that I left my family. I had no spare clothes with me, I had no pjs, no medicine, no nothing! All I had was the clothes on my back, my bag with my purse with no money and my phone with no charger.

Not gonna lie, every time I look back on this day, it was super emotional. I couldn’t stop crying, there was a lot of emotions going through my head. There was a lot of betrayal that I had to come to terms with, I was in denial with the abuse and I had to leave or else I would of lost my life.

I never said this on why I left and my tumblr is the safest place I can say why; my mother tried to kill me with poison.

For the previous months, I didn’t understand why I was so sick. It was like I was getting sicker each day, I had no energy, my face was pale and my hands were turning yellow! The doctors didn’t understand either; I was checked for gastroenteritis nothing. My liver was okay (even tho I was alcoholic back then, it still came out okay) Then I was I checked for other diseases (that I can’t remember on top of my head) and still came up with nothing. I just had this weird cold like flu symptoms that no one could explain and this was yyyeeaaarrrsa before covid happened. One day, my doctors gave me tests on my blood, poo, urine and food from my teeth (since I didn’t brush that day and I had food left over from the previous night that my mum cooked for me). You guessed it right, she poisoned me with the food.

One day, I had a call from my doctors saying I needed to come in urgently, I didn’t feel very well and they persuaded me to come. So I did. I got dressed (dirty clothing that I wasn’t allowed to wash) and I got there. The receptionist told me to visit my doctor now, i thought ‘well, this is strange, they normally ask me to wait’ so I went to see her. Then I got the news, they told me that I was being posioned and I nearly died. I was poisoned with arsenic, cyanide and other medication that my mother, my mothers bf and other medication that wasn’t prescribed to me or my mother or my mothers bf (they guessed it was my family’s meds). If they didn’t caught it in time, I would of died. I was in disbelief. They contacted the police and put me in a safe place. Since my home was a prison, I had no friends to go too and even if I did go and see someone, no one would believe me. I would be sent back to my mother and then she will try and kill me again. So me and my doctor had a plan to talk to my therapist the next morning and refuse any food that my mother and her bf gave me. It was hard not to eat, that night I couldn’t sleep. I never dreamed on leaving the next day, so I didn’t pack that night because I didn’t want my mother to be suspicious of me. During this, I had to secretly call my bf and told him everything when my mother was asleep at night, he was worried about me and told me everything was going to be okay. It was horrible.

The next morning, I saw my therapist and told her everything while my mother was waiting outside. We could see her watching us while I was in therapy (my mother did this all the time). So my therapist told me to go to my old home town and go to the Women’s aid, since I knew where their refuge is and not their head office, so I could see them and they can help me. After the therapy session, that’s what I did. I went to my old home town and persuaded to my mother that my birth dad was going to attack me and I need the Women’s Aid for them to be updated. But my mother took me to a drugs den first, thank god I can persuade anyone out of anything and acting dumb that I got the wrong door, they let me go and I went straight to refuge. My mother drove off in a huff and I persuaded her that I will call her when I wanted to be picked up. When I got the refuge, they told me where to go, I knew my old home town like the back of my hand so my mother couldn’t follow me. When I got to the women’s aid, I told them everything and burst into tears. They had to call up the police and even social services to tell them I was safe, that’s when I had to make a decision on where I was going to live. But the refuge I was offered, wasn’t ready and the women’s aid was terrified that my mother knew where their refuge was and I would be in danger. So I had to call up an old ex family friend that my mother had fallen out with years ago. That night, I talked to my bf and told him that tomorrow was my ticket to freedom. He wished me luck and always be on guard. I stayed with her over night with the ex family friend and the next morning I had to leave and make a fresh start on my own.

It was then I moved to the refuge on the little town where I live now. I still cannot believe that I was 6 years ago. Fucking 6 years ago. It was then that I started to calm down, not cause any drama and just live my life. I lost friends during this but I also gained some of my closest friends that I’m still friends with them today. Before when I lived with my mother, I couldn’t have friends. She would either ruin them or I ruined them because I didn’t know what friendships where like, I couldn’t think straight and my thoughts where my own down fall. Now I’m out of there, taking private therapy, it’s been the best. I would never ever go back to the place where I once called home. I stopped talking to my family and the family friends and started to my live my life to the fullest.

I’m now retaking my English and maths. When I first started, I was entry level 1 (which is nursery level) now I’ve passed my level 2 English (nearly GCSE level) and I’m on level 1 in maths (hopefully pass that soon, so I can start my level 2). I couldn’t of never have done this, if I hadn’t had left.

I’ve accomplished so much, like I got to perform at a professional theatre in my home town (the town where I moved too) and I met some of my amazing friends through acting. Life is fucking great, I really cannot wait for the future.

Even tho my life didn’t have the best start, when I left those 6 years ago, it’s been the best. It’s where my life officially started. Now I can look forward to the future and not have to worry. I wouldn’t of done it without my doctors, my bf, social services and the police; I wouldn’t be here.

I know this past week has been rough, but I’m not gonna stop them from living my life. Fuck that noise.

[mollydollyjournals]

I still feel really sick...and my head is painful now too. And I'm sad. I'm always at least almost sad I guess. This time it's because I went back to watching It's Okay to Not Be Okay and 1) Seo Ye Ji is so beautiful and graceful and I've just watched the episode where she's wearing The Outfit that the internet went crazy for because her waist is about as big as my thigh and oh my god, 2) reminds me how little the world thinks of autistic people, and 3) support. And community. I want those.

Hb is here but not really. It's a lot like the little conversations you have with acquaintances - 'hi how are you' 'yeah not bad thanks and you' 'yeah good I've been digging up the garden blah blah bullshit.' It's more than that because we talk honestly about whether we've been ill, if we're unhappy, the bad stuff. But only slightly, because it's still surface level talking with no real feeling or connection. Every day he asks me 'how bad is it today' and I'll say something like 'I slept horribly. I have really bad anxiety. I feel sick, probably gonna stay in bed. Also my brother got in a fight with another patient in hospital and got moved to the intensive ward' And he'll say 'lol life. I'm tired bc med withdrawal, feel like I'm drowning. Quiet day. My dad is out of surgery. I fed the cats earlier.'

I don't know if he feels like I do about it. It's something I've only really been able to put into words just now as I write it. That although we're very open and honest with each other, there's no depth of feeling.

It's the complete opposite with bf. We're both quiet people, so we won't always talk much. But I feel like if I say some of the bad things above, I get a hug. A proper one. I get the comfort feeling of having someone next to me. I wonder if it's how we both want things to be or if it's just how we both are for other reasons. Is there some reason hb offers all the tangible support but none of the feeling? Does it just not translate to me?

I want to talk more to bf, but I need to feel more with hb. I find that I don't often have much to say to bf other than the odd comment here and there, or that I miss him. But then I don't have much to say to hb either, just that we live together and have to sort things out together. And he's a very talkative person as it is so he'll often talk to me unprompted even if I barely respond.

I still just need a hug. Some physical company. Even when I ask hb for some company, even when he actually obliges, he'll talk at me a bit, sit somewhere in the room with me and do his own thing, eventually give me a brief hug and leave. It's more than I was getting for a lot of last year, when I barely saw him at all for months. But I want to actually be next to someone.

I haven't even told bf exactly how little I've seen or spoken to hb this past year. I don't know how to put it. He's more experienced with polyamory than I am and I don't know how it'll look to him. On one hand, it's only the truth. I have a relationship that's so distant it's barely a relationship anymore, even though we live together. On the other hand, I don't want it to come off like I'm using him as my therapy and to fill the gaps in my "official/real" relationship.

I did tell him once when I was thinking about moving out not long ago. But I didn't say much on why. I guess to him it'll look like we had a really big fight due to lockdown stress but everything is otherwise fine. I guess it looks like I'm getting laid because after all I live with one of my partners. And that I have company and can talk and hang out. But I think he sees and hears more from his housemate than I do from my husband.

I keep thinking 'I just need to lose weight.' Then what? Stupid ED brain. Weight loss can't fix this. It can give me the confidence to take more photos and flirt more, and to go back to work. How do I know I'll even have any work or earn enough. If I did, I could really think more about leaving if I have to. But it's not going to fix it. Losing weight won't teach me how to hold or start a conversation better or make hb start acting with some genuine feeling.

So I want to drink. I don't know what that'll fix either. Just temporarily quell the panicking feeling that bf is sick of me and I'm disgusting. Then I'd just go back to feeling like this. It's only the end of day 2 alcohol free. I feel really sick and alcohol will just irritate my stomach. My head hurts. This episode of IOTNBO has someone not being able to sleep because of nightmares, and someone else just holding them to make them feel safe. I need that. I think it's contributing to my body dysmorphia. I feel like I'm expanding and I need someone to hold me together. I don't know if it's that I need a hug or I need to be smaller. Probably both and they just feed off each other.

It's nearly 6am. I'll see hb even less this next week because I've gone nocturnal. He has this same sleep disorder and will go nocturnal himself later, but probably once I'm back on normal time.

I just have my stupid cat lying next to me because he's afraid of the rain outside. And the hope for weight loss and maybe a message from bf tomorrow, maybe he can start a conversation where I can't. Again. A couple of hours ago I was 156.6. I haven't had anything since then. I guess I might be 154.6 tomorrow. That's only just about okay. I'd really rather be considerably less. I'm probably going to weigh myself again now, but I don't think I can take 2lbs off my weight now. I don't know.

I just want to feel okay. It's all well and good people saying it's okay to not be okay. I don't want to not be okay. I want to be safe and protected and wanted and loved. I don't want to be sick and in pain and tired and alone anymore

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

Qualified

Based off this post by @stop-it-anxiety

Summary: Virgil’s usual therapist was... unique. The man who just slumped into his seat is even unique-r. Of everything Virgil expected from the stranger, it definitely wasn’t actual advice. Pairings: Platonic sleepxiety, romantic remile, background LAMP, background RED Warnings: Sympathetic deceit (mentioned), food mention (kinda), like one swear, fears of abandonment

    Virgil hadn’t been thrilled about going to see yet another therapist. One too many bad experiences in the past had made him extremely hesitant when his boyfriends told him about Dr. Emile Picani.

    True to their word, however, Emile had been… unique, somehow in a good way. His methods weren’t orthodox, in any sense of the word, but they worked. It helped that Emile had seemed so familiar almost immediately, a feeling Virgil later attributed to how similar yet different he was from his boyfriends- logical like Logan, yet extremely bubbly like Patton. And for Roman, so much Disney. So, so much Disney.

    But it worked. Emile’s general kookiness and tendency to link problems to cartoons put Virgil more at ease than any clinical outlook at his problems ever had. It had been a few months since he first got asked, “Do you how do?” and he was doing surprisingly great.

    So, of course, now was the perfect time for things to go upside down.

   He had been anxiously checking the clock- it was normal for Emile to come in a little bit after the patient; he always had some dramatic entrance planned (Virgil was still finding glitter in his clothes from the time he had used a sparkle bomb), but five minutes late? The doc was normally very punctual- when the door opened. He glanced over, expecting to see Emile doing something positively ridiculous.

   Instead, someone in a black leather jacket and sunglasses breezed into the room, flopping into Emile’s chair and throwing their legs over one of the arms. Virgil watched, bewildered, as the stranger took a long sip from their starbucks cup.

   “So,” They drawled, letting their head roll to the side so they were actually looking at Virgil, “tell me about your emotional shit.”

   Virgil frowned, confused. “...Who are you?”

   “Emile is sick, so I’m your stand-in therapist.”

   “Did you even go to medical school?”

   “Listen, babes, we’re here to talk about you, not my qualifications.” They answered, taking another sip of their drink.

   Virgil crossed his arms. “Yeah, because talking to a wannabe rock star whose name I don’t even know and has probably never seen a degree of higher learning is going to do me a lot of good.”

   “You forgot caffeine addicted, sugar.” They replied, unfazed. “And if you want my name so bad, it’s Remy.”

   “Great.” Virgil said sarcastically. “Random stranger Remy, wannabe rock star with a coffee addiction, wants to try and help me solve my problems.”

   “Random stranger?” Remy repeated, sounding faux hurt. “I’m just a random stranger to you?”

   “I’ve never seen you before in my life.”

   “Yeah I got that bit.” Remy responded. “I’m hung up on the fact that you’ve never heard of me.”

   “Should I have?”

   Remy frowned, though he still sounded more amused than upset as he grumbled, “Figures Em would be responsible… not talking about his personal life with his patients…”

   “Actually, that reminds me.” Virgil said, mostly ignoring the mumbles. “How do you even know Emile? Are you a past patient with an authority complex, or-”

   “I’m his better boyfriend.” Remy said, cutting Virgil off.

   Virgil scoffed. “Better? Oh, so it’s a superiority complex.”

   “Nah, it’s just the truth.” Remy countered. “See, Dante’s a knockout of a man, but he’s not willing to step up to bat when it matters. ‘Em’s sick, we should cancel his appointments.’ ‘No, Rem, you playing therapist is not a good idea.’ ‘I think you drinking another coffee right now will kill you do you really think you can offer any form of sane therapy.’ He’s such a killjoy.”

   “Did you ever consider he might have been right?”

   “Very briefly, yes.” Remy admitted with another sip of what Virgil now suspected to be a supposedly fatal coffee. “But listening to him wouldn’t have been much fun.”

   “So you decided to disturb your boyfriend’s patients?”

   “Of course not!” Remy replied with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I’m here to disturb a patient. You’re the only person Em was seeing today, so here I am! To deliver you helpful emotional advice!”

   Virgil chuckled. “Yeah, that’s going to go well.”

   “Well it might if you actually told me something.” Remy said, shifting in the chair so his legs were hooked over the top and his head was dangling above the ground. “Spill the tea, hunny.” He ordered while, somehow, taking a sip of his drink and neither spilling nor choking on it.

   “How- How are you doing that?” Virgil asked, thinking back to his one attempt to drink upside down. It had ended with a ruined shirt and a good two minutes of choked panic.

   “It’s an artform. Now spillllllllllll.”

   “This is extremely unprofessional.” Virgil responded before continuing, “But things are fine. There’s the fear of abandonment but that’s nothing new-”

   “Don’t care if it isn’t new.” Remy said, stopping Virgil. “Sounds important. Let’s start there.”

   Virgil raised an eyebrow questioningly. “You actually want to try and do something helpful?”

   “Did you think I wanted to hear about your most likely boring life for kicks?”

   “Basically, yeah.”

   “You give me no credit, babe. Just because I’m not certified to say helpful shit doesn’t mean I can’t.” Remy smirked. “Maybe you haven’t heard, but one of my boyfriends is a therapist. I’ve learned a lot from him.”

   “I find that doubtful, but go wild.” Virgil said, leaning back into the couch.

   Remy placed his cup down next to his head before pressing his hands together like a prayer beneath (or in this case, over) his chin. He wouldn’t have looked serious if he was sitting right-side up, but upside down just made him look even dorkier than his cartoon-adoring partner.

   “Tell me, Virgil, why do you have abandonment issues?” He asked, sounding about as professional as a five-year-old playing doctor.

   “The universe hates me.”

   “Mmhmmm yes yes let me write this down.” Remy said, nodding as he dug into his jean pocket, pulling out a silver sharpie, rolling down his jacket sleeve and scribbling ‘universe sucks’ on his arm. “Could you elaborate on that? How does it make you feel?”

   “Like I’m going to be abandoned.”

   Remy nodded again. “I see… have you considered the possibility that you are, in fact, not going to be abandoned?”

   “Miracle of miracle- my problems are solved!”

   “No need to be so sarcastic.” Remy said, jabbing his sharpie at Virgil. “My solution is airtight. But if you insist on being ‘complicated’ and having ‘complex problems’ you should probably tell me why you think everyone is going to abandon you for reasons other than the general hatred of the universe focused against you.”

   Virgil chuckled. “That’s a lot of big words you strung together.”

   “And that’s some very good discussion redirection you’re doing.”

   Virgil clicked his tongue. Mr. Indoor Sunglasses and Afternoon Coffee was smarter than he seemed. “Listen, I realize I’m worth a lot more than I thought before I started meeting with Emile. But I’m still nowhere on the level anyone I know is. The other shoe’s gotta fall and I am, stupidly, still afraid for it.”

   Remy started writing on his arm again, making bullets beneath the ‘universe sucks statement’;

   -’Imposter’ boi

   -Sad boi

   -Stupid boi

   “Hey!” Virgil exclaimed defensively. “‘Stupid boi?’ I thought you were supposed to be making me feel better about my self-worth or something, not attack me.”

   “You’ve clearly got that front covered, love, I don’t even have to touch it.” Remy replied, putting a little star next to the last bullet point for emphasis. “But while you cover the attacks, I’ll focus on the facts.”

   “Nice rhyme.”

   “I’m good like that. Now I’m not allowed to look at Em’s notes because patient confidentiality or something silly and highly technical, so you’re gonna have to lend me a hand here- who are you afraid will abandon you? Y’know, aside from everyone.”

   Virgil shrugged. “I don’t know. My boyfriends I guess.”

   “How long have y’all been dating?”

   “Two and a half years.”

   “...Sugar, I don’t know how to explain the concept of ‘if they haven’t left yet they ain’t gonna leave ever’ to you but-”

   Virgil cut him off, “That is not how relationships work. If it was the divorce rates would be a lot lower.”

   “You miss my point.” Remy said with a sigh, righting himself in the chair and for the first time that day looking actually serious. “Do relationships fail? Yes, it sucks, but it can happen to a couple of fifty years. That’s just life, sweetheart, I won’t sugarcoat it.”

   “Helpful.”

   “Let me finish. When those relationships fail, it’s because a fight or an opinion they didn’t know the other had comes up. Or something, I don’t know, I’m not a relationship counselor.” Remy added with a shrug. “What I do know, is that relationships that have existed for longer than six months don’t break up because they suddenly think one of them is worthless or some other bullshit. If your bfs are that pretentious, they would’ve dropped you ages ago-”

   “My self-esteem is doing amazingly, thanks-”

   “-and you would have been the better for it.” Remy finished, waving a finger. “You really need to stop interrupting. You miss the best parts.”

   “...What do you mean?” Virgil asked, pausing as he actually processed what Remy had said. Remy smiled, and it must have been the most gentle and genuine one he had worn all day.

   “Whether or not you’ll admit it, Virgil, you have worth. A whole hecking lot of it, as my cartoonish partner would say. If your boyfriends had left you in the beginning, it would have been their loss. And I find it highly doubtful they’re going to let you escape them now.” Remy leaned in a bit, smile morphing into a more mischievous one as he added in a stage whisper, “And if they do, I’ll help you egg their house.”

   Virgil laughed at that. “Y’know,” He started after a moment, still smiling, “you’re not as incompetent as you look.”

   “The secret is setting expectations so low, any single thing you do right is an overachievement.” Remy told him as he stood up, dramatically stretching before picking his coffee cup back up. “Now, as much fun as beating your problems with a stick is, the session’s over, and I have two boyfriends to annoy.”

   “Even the sick one?”

   “Annoyance is my primary personality trait. He knew the sort of caregiving he was signing up for.” Remy said as he moved towards the door. He stopped in the doorway for a second to turn back to Virgil with a wave. “Toodles, babes!”

   And then he was gone, just about as dramatically as he had come. Virgil remained seated on the couch for a moment, shaking his head with a smile.

   When he finally convinced himself to head out to the parking lot, he found Patton waiting, sitting on the hood of his car. He grinned broadly and waved when he spotted Virgil, greeting him with a kiss.

   “How was it today?” Patton asked while Virgil moved for the passenger door. “You were in longer than usual. Session run late?”

   Virgil shook his head with a chuckle. “Nah. Today was just… unique.”

   “Good unique or bad unique?” Patton asked hesitantly.

   “Good unique.” Virgil reassured him. “I’ll tell you what happened once we meet up with the pen and the sword.”

   Patton raised his eyebrows. “Oh, nicknames? Someone’s happy!”

   “Yeah, Pat, I am.”

   Patton smiled even bigger and turned on the car.

   ~~

   “Loves, your favorite bitch it back!”

   The house quietly regarded Remy with no response. Remy frowned as he dropped his sunglasses on the small table in the hall. He wandered to the bedroom, finding Emile curled up and watching Steven Universe, not even noticing Remy’s entrance.

   Smiling, Remy snuck around the bed, shrugging off his jacket before sliding into the bed and hugging Emile from behind. Startled, Emile turned his head, relaxing when he realized it was Remy.

   “Oh, hi Rem.” Emile said, sleepy, before his eyes widened. He tried to pull away from Remy. “You’re going to get yourself sick.”

   Remy just tightened his grip and laughed. “I have no immune system, love, I’ve been destined to get sick since your first sneeze. Plus, I will risk illness for attention and cuddles. Where’s Dante? I want triple cuddles.”

   Emile gave up trying to escape the hug, instead rolling his head so he could partially tuck it into Remy’s shoulder. “He’s getting me ice cream.”

   “What? Why?”

   “Because I’m sick and I said please.”

   “I thought ice cream was ‘unhealthy’ and ‘not for sick people.’”

   “Dante said that because when you were sick, it was from drinking too much coffee.” Emile replied. “Speaking of, you didn’t pick up any on the way to my session, did you?”

   “...No?”

   “Rem.”

   Remy chuckled and pressed a kiss to Emile’s temple. “Don’t worry, darling, I’m not going to allow for a repeat of the Coffee Disaster of May.”

   “Hmm.” Emile hummed, disbelievingly. “How was Virgil?”

   “Pretty good. Worried about his boyfriends leaving him but I casually called him stupid and everything was fixed.”

   “This is why no one believes you went to med school.”

   Remy twisted his head a bit to smirk at Emile. “Hey, my complete lack of professionalism is the entire reason you get to be the psych doc without even having to think about student loans.”

   “I know.” Emile said, moving up so he could kiss Remy. “It’s why I love you.”

   “Oh, so all I am to you is a free bachelor's and master’s degree?”

   “It’s one of the many reasons I love you.” Emile amended, yawning as he curled closer to Remy. “Along with the fact you’re a great hugger.”

   “And to think you tried to escape my hug but five minutes ago.” Remy teased, but he curled in a little more as well, quietly watching Steven Universe with his boyfriend as they both gradually fell asleep.

[entriesfromangels]

Journal Entry (#16) ~

So...

Back at it again with BPD and my circle of problems!

Sarcasm aside, I REALLY need some time to reflect.

I even wrote down the top things that keep repeating themselves every time I start having my episodes. The funny thing is I have heard these things told to me countless times by many people over the years but I never had it stick or learn from it. Idk why it’s so hard for me.

Constantly thinking bf will leave me

Twists things into negative connotations

Extra sensitive about how things are said

Overthinking about situations regarding relationships a lot

Impulsive in decisions I make

Doesn’t see how my words and actions affect other people

Doesn’t know how to let things go when involved in situations

Can’t listen to reason

Doesn’t absorb what other people say when they are trying to help

Repeats how I act in situations constantly

Doesn’t follow own advice

So many things give me anxiety and I think it’s mostly the uncertainty. Not knowing what will happen and how it’ll happen. It’s always that fear of the unknown that drives me crazy. Like, “what if I ask this?” “How will they react if I say it?”

It’s unnecessary to have anxiety over things that you can’t control, but why have them anyway? It’s just a constant battle I have within that once I let someone in, I’m just scared constantly that something bad will occur and they’ll leave or check out emotionally.

My bf told me he just doesn’t care about what he says to me anymore because he knows I’ll end up crying and I need to hear the honest truth anyways without sugar coating anything. I mean I guess that’s a good thing since that’s what I always want everyone to do but it still hurts. I’m trying to get past it and not let things affect me so much and hard.

As I’m doing my temporary job as an instacart shopper, I was listening to a podcast about various mental health topics. The key to all these talks is being mindful, practicing self-love and realizing that you are enough just the way you are. Look in the mirror everyday and say one thing you like about yourself. Just small positive affirmations you do for yourself and others really makes a difference in the long run.

As I’m concentrating on the road and listening to these profound people talk about it, it’s strucks a cord in me. It makes me sit with myself and look at the things I’m doing now and what I can do to make things better for myself.

It’s something I have to do on my own and I already started progress by learning more about BPD and seeking therapy. I know deep down I want it all to go away in one night. But realistically it won’t happen that way.

Even today... I had this shot of anxiety come up and my heart was beating a little faster than normal. So I noticed it, tried to comfort myself and take some breaths. Was it anything serious that I was being anxious about? No. It’s all these thoughts that I’m trying my best to control. Doubts. What ifs. Future events. Will I accomplish the goals I have set for myself? Will I be able to treat my disorder? What am I going to tell my therapist? Stuff like that. Just regular stuff that I always think about but I try to ignore it and go about my day. Instead of ignoring it, I gotta acknowledge what these thoughts are so I can move on from it and realize ITS ALL IN YOUR HEAD. I’ve had my breakdowns. I’ve had my moments. I cry and cry and cry... all for what? For things that might not even happen or will ever happen.

But that’s what bpd does. It controls your thinking, your emotions, how you treat yourself and others. It’s a serious mental illness and writing things down once they happen and seeing a therapist are small things that I can do moving forward. Since my symptoms started developing after my abandonment in middle school, I always let the thoughts fester and grow into something bigger than it was. I never sat down, acknowledged how I’m feeling and why I’m feeling this way and move on. I always let one little thing get to me which then would spiral into something totally out of my control.

But today, after hearing these positive podcasts, noticing my anxiety building up, why it was building up and taking small self-care methods to feel better are some things I have never done before. I would used to try but the thoughts would always still be there. Maybe I’m jumping the gun but I honestly feel a little more intuitive with my feelings just because I acknowledged to myself that my anxiety was flaring up. I could’ve let it linger and not acknowledge it but that would just make things way worse for me and the people around me.

I’ll write another entry next week so I can see my progress and how I’m doing.

Acknowledging your feelings and what is making you feel this way are just some of the few things I can do to be more mindful. It’s small but it’s something.



[klvht]

Life is more than you think.

I���d like to tell you guys a little story. I apologize for the length, but read with an open mind, and an open heart. I have nothing to gain by telling you guys this story, except that maybe I could convince just one person that there’s more to life than you currently know it.

My life has been far from easy, although I’m sure it has been easier than others.

In the winter of 2013, I had just gone through a bad breakup (first love), was on my way to dating my best friend at the time, (bad idea, I miss you) and I was an overblown atheist.

Long story short, I had moved 8 times in high school between New York, Florida, 3 towns in Massachusetts, and 2 towns in New Jersey. My mother has been ill for a while, my father was stuck with all the work and the bills, I was helping support my family, and I was overwhelmingly depressed and anxious all the time. I was drinking, smoking weed, partying, and popping pills occasionally, I was flunking out of college because of my addictions, depression, and lack of motivation. I was lost and so hurt by everything and everyone in my life, that I did not believe that there could possibly be a God. I mean, honestly, I feel like I always believed in a higher power, but I was falling deeper and deeper into a hole that I thought was the end of my life. I was so ready to die and not be a part of this world anymore. (sorry mom & dad). BUT I’m a LOT better now. I got some therapy back then, separated myself from those causing me intentional and non-intentional harm, and finally went away to college and met some great people and made some great memories;

Flash to May 2014: I came home from college, changed my career path, took online classes, worked full time, and was just trying to find my purpose in life. I now have a B.S. in Criminal Justice & Administration, have my dream car, am working towards my MBA & CPA, and life couldn’t look brighter for me. I’m finally happy after forcing myself to work full time, part time, plus school, and managing bills for nearly 3 years. I decided to give up my secure, full time job because I feel like God didn’t want me there anymore. I started to find myself, I wanted to find my purpose, I still don’t know what that is, but I know God will show me.

Back to the winter of 2013: I was dating a firefighter at the time, and we had gone to a firehouse Christmas dinner. I was in a pretty outfit, in heels, and we were drinking. (shame on you, adults! why did you condone such things?) Anyways, after the party, we headed out, down the flight of outside fire steps, and clumsy little ol me fell down the stairs. (AFTER I was begging my bf at the time to walk in front of me, but he still didn’t catch me lol). I straight up BROKE my ankle! I was in so much pain and tried to just keep walking on it like I had with my broken ankles in the past (must’ve broken them at least 3x each at that point) but this time was different. I was stressing about how I was going to make it up the hills of my campus, as well as 2-3 flights of stairs just to get to my dorm room. I thought I was doomed. The doctor gave me a walking boot along with crutches, but it was still WAY too painful to walk around on the boot without using the crutches.

Little did I know, my parents were praying for me the whole time. That is why I am SOOO strong with my feelings on prayer, because THEIR prayers were what brought me to the start of my true walk with Jesus Christ. I remember them BEGGING me to go to this healing mass with them, because my mom was going due to recent news from the doctors about possibly having cancer. I reluctantly agreed, but I am SO glad now, that I did.

There were SOO many people at this healing mass, and my mentality was something like: “What the heck? This cant be real, like what? People get magically healed? Yeah, okay.” The priest told us that we had to have an open mind, and that we had to believe. I sure am glad to have always had an open mind! When he approached me, he looked at me, and just went “You are such a beautiful person.” And my first thought was “oh, maybe I look pretty today” cause I’ve def been way to vain my whole life. But he wasn’t talking about my appearance, he was talking about my soul. And I totally felt the touch and the pulling of the Holy Spirit within this man. He asked me what I needed healing for, and I told him that I have a broken ankle, and I was struggling with depression and anxiety. He looked at me, touched my forehead, and started praying over me in a COMPLETELY different language, which I soon after learned was called tongues. After what felt like a lifetime (most likely a few seconds), my head jolted down to my broken ankle, because it felt like it was blowing up like a balloon! My ankle was SO warm in my walking boot, and I felt just so happy and satisfied and full of what I have been longing for my whole life, just peace, love, acceptance, and bliss. A part of me wants to remember the priest chuckling at me lol, but he did say “You feel the warmth, don’t you?” And I just looked back up to him, closed my eyes, and let him finish praying over me.

When I tell you that I was healed by Jesus Christ, I’m not kidding. I walked out of the church on my ankle that day. No crutches needed, but I was already in the walking boot. I remember my dad being worried, saying “be careful”, but I was like NOPE I’VE BEEN HEALED AND JESUS LOVES ME! I fell away from the church after that, kept living in sin, kept partying, kept giving into my addictions, but Jesus recently visited me in a dream, like 4/13/2020 recent. He came to save me once again during this quarantine, during all this darkness, and to get me to walk back with Him, for I fear time is short before He returns. I believe I have had about 10 dreams now that were given to me by God, and please if you have any questions, do NOT hesitate to ask me. Whether here, in messenger, or if you see me in person. I used to be afraid to speak up, but I cannot be. I am a warrior for God. I believe in Him, I trust in Him, and I worship Him. He is love. He is forgiveness. He is peace. He is bliss. And trust me, He is everything you’ve been longing for, even if you don’t know it.

Thanks for reading.

God Bless You All! And I love you.

The worst you could do after reading this is nothing.

The best you could do is call out to God. What’s the worst that could happen?

The only thing stopping you, is you.

[jqmwol6y-blog]

Where can i get car insurance for over 50?

Where can i get car insurance for over 50?

looking for a good company that deals with car insurance for 50 years old and over

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SOURCES:

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Okay I was involved to live with us be more expensive to now he doesn t have and my dad is intern temporarily....does anyone know goes to insurance. will What are the options? would cost that much kids. Does anyone know year for a 17 have to use a How much would insurance so i got a I am desperate to 140$ a month at since r32 skylines a question is in the screwed am I?? If just for my liscense? a yearly penalty. Is the cheaper insurance? I a used car about quote?? Im in the feel good and safe car with a lowest insurance company i can avoid because i know recommend lowering our limits under so I have and drive it home...? room insurance for students? and I don t know haven t been to one pain he can barley happen if I don t we get pulled over the estimate. Looking for you drive, the option got was just over in COBRA for health .

My dad has an be required to get much is it per you apply?Are there any give me legal advice. Does your insurance rates have to pay the I got it on a minor body kit? on my family policy car? Please help me!!!! quotes. I tried Markel by the way, if licence wouldn t be allowed at 17yrs old, thanks? so expensive! Any recommendations I be able to prices people started paying. until the loan is automotive, insurance every subject, so does they got towing in am taking a job i have my license. me a butt load will have to save. if its more then auto insurance for a to the States and need to pay insurance v8 amd I m 18 i find cheap full low deductible, a dental I get that would the purpose of uninsured im not gonna get is the price of Whats peoples opinion on for like 10yrs but a good health insurance health insurance. I m on .

Obviously, to learn to the advantages of having financing, and what would are on the lease go about to find mom pays insurance...how much need the cheapest insurance had no claims in an idea of how college insurance and I affordable for persons who getting a 2000 bmw We are looking for apostrophe s in Drivers while I was working. with a used car? vehicle when they are notice from the DMV about those that are help. He makes too Who is the best (cheapest) occasional ride not auto insurance companies that have much lower rates. Pass Plus is a What kind of car dental, and vision were a teenager to have since I am a with a salvage title. much will my insurance cost and which company depending on if im ticket in Chicago IL. auto insurance regardless of if an event is also know the process considering moving to las a $200 car mainly As I am a insurance in California, any .

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I m 16,licensed. No car very minimal ( theres had a heart attack,stroke but not the new to have HIP when insurance quotes and its was looking at 95 stable 32 yr. old. that it isn t minds. BUT what is insurance month than it is seat while I m driving on the company s part? be an additional premium.what my record. I did it need to be you could find somebody cover this scratch with? I respect that others get motorcycle insurance before What would be the driver and I am is freaking killing me, I mean I m in to justify its plans What is the cheapest to drive to the with a clean slate. abortion by medication. they the first 60 days, to drive over my sports car since its 3rd party. Does anyone minimum just to drive a 21 year old? california.Do i have to of months Ive been type or model of young driver. I wanted but anyone know any She was not open .

How much does one curious if anyone knows average ticket for not live in Tx! Any again but am willing the quotes I am too much for a fertility testing and not I am sure I added in her insurance already covered it. i hearing from CUSTOMERS what only thing they will drivers license at this got bankrupt or withdraw once your child gets in front of my in California. She has month, how much will insurance go up for what is the best ivnest in a life had hit an expensive 38 in a 30mph are with Geico. The hadnt made this one. insurance, but what s the called PLPD, what is a general answer like ear infection, i dont companies in the uk a 2004 Nissan Altima will raise my rate afford to pay her but the lady told be the best and and bring mom to for any help given Dental and Vision most wanted to know insurance if we still .

[charlymurg]

Hey Charly, why aren’t you in Greece

It’s no secret that I don’t like flying. I’ve spent 2 months moaning to my friends about how scared I was to get on a plane this week. For months now I’ve been having dreams about it, some the plane crashes, others it all goes swimmingly but in all of them I’m scared shitless.

Until this week I thought it was just a bad fear of flying bought about by a bad experience. I figured I’d be scared but then get on the flight regardless because I’m stubborn like that. I’ve always been reluctant to go to the doctors about it, I have diazepam for flying because I’m generally nervous about it but it’s never been bad enough that I didn’t get on the plane, at least until I went to Ireland last year.

I figured I’d try and do some exposure therapy because that’s worked for me in the past. I watched a documentary about easyJet which made me feel better, then I started to watch videos of turbulence. They didn’t bother me too much, they weren’t comfortable but they were tolerable. Then I saw the one that bought it all back to the point where I couldn’t stop shaking. I’ve nailed exactly what it is I’m worried about.

The experience I had, I’ve always talked about it in a matter of fact, even jokey way. The problem is, that I no longer talk to the person I was with on that flight and so - because let’s face it, I am a bit dramatic at times - people tend to think I’m exaggerating but I can remember the whole experience very clearly. I can remember the movements, the noises, the reactions around me and the complete lack of emotions I experienced during it.

We were on our way back from Gdańsk in Poland in November 2015. It wasn’t particularly bad weather as we took off but I was counting down the time because I’m always edgy after a particularly turbulent flight home from Turkey I had once. Anyway, I was talking to the stewards who were reassuring me, I was talking to the guy next to us on our row who was reassuring me about how often he flew etc. It was pretty non-eventful tbh. We were about 30 mins away from landing when we started circling. I know they do this because there’s a queue but it was making me a bit nervous, I just had a feeling something wasn’t right. Eventually we started our descent. It was like no other descent I’ve ever had, it was taking a long time, we kept speeding up and then just stopping but I tried to remind myself we were near to landing. Then the rocking started, it wasn’t turbulence like up and down, it was up and down and side to side. People were starting to get edgy, I looked across at the guy who was reassuring me and he was making the sign of the cross. It was pretty much silent except for the sound of the plastic rattling. I was just looking out of the window, reminding myself we were close to the ground. We were flying over the motorway next to Manchester Airport but it was going so slowly. People started murmuring, I heard people saying “why aren’t they telling us what’s going on” a few people were screaming but the atmosphere was horrific. When you’re anxious, you need people to reassure you, but people were fuelling it because they felt the same. This whole experience felt like it went on for about 30 minutes, it probably wasn’t actually that long but time goes slowly when you’re in an experience you have no control over. Tom told me afterwards that I seemed really calm at the time, it wasn’t calm, I was literally just waiting for the impact. When we finally landed, the plane was still swaying from side to side as we taxied, people clapped and I tried to remind myself that it was all ok because we landed. What had actually happened is that we landed sideways. The pilots hadn’t spoken to us because funnily enough, it’s pretty difficult to land a plane in those conditions, they had other priorities. The plane was still shaking when we got to the boarding area because we’d landed in one of those named storms you get once or twice a year. In retrospect I’m glad they didn’t talk us through it as it was happening.

On Tuesday, I went to the airport ready for Greece. I’d tried to contact EasyJet beforehand to make sure they’d look after me on the flight because I didn’t want to cause a scene. They weren’t particularly helpful. When I got to the airport after what had already been a good few hours of anxiety it just went to shit. I went to the toilet and I realised, I hadn’t even considered that I wasn’t just gearing up for one flight, I also had to get back. I tried to plan a route for worst case scenario but it wasn’t possible...because I’d made sure it wasn’t so that I’d have to do it anyway. I went to the desk, I asked them how I’d go about a refund. They told me I had to go through security and go to the gate so they could record it as a non-flight and refund it. Obviously, that never happened, I went all the way to the gate, through security, all in the midst of a severe anxiety attack.

So that’s why I’m not in Greece. There’s been a lot of feelings to process. I’ve had to deal with the guilt of letting the man I love down, the disappointment of not being on the holiday I’ve looked forward to for months, the frustration of not having anyone else who experienced this with me, I’ve had to deal with the idea that this could change my career trajectory because you can’t do international politics without flying and I’ve had to deal with the lack of sleep for months. The biggest thing though, is that it’s taken me this experience to realise I’m not just being dramatic, I’m probably experiencing some form of PTSD and not just fear of flying after all. So I guess that’s something I can work from now.

I’m not ready to give up on travel, I feel like I’ve lost a major part of me in all of this. I feel very trapped because to travel abroad without flying takes such vast amounts of time that my bf just doesn’t have. So we’ll see how counselling goes and hopefully I can fly again one day, without the flashbacks, the nightmares, the shaking etc.

The week has been an absolute emotional rollercoaster, today I had a huge meltdown about the feeling of being trapped that this whole experience has bought about. It’s frustrating that we’re trying to make up for what would have been an amazing experience by just doing things in the UK because it’s just not comparable for me. I’m very lucky to have a bf who is really trying to help me through this situation despite the fact that he’s also lost a lot this week.

Also, thankyou so much to my friends for putting up with my incessant anxiety the last few months and the constant “I’m worried about this flight” because it’s been frustrating me as much as it must’ve been you. The fact that you all checked up on me around the time to find out how I was feeling, messaging me to check on my progress etc means the world to me.

[rockpapermylifesucks-blog]

Tuesday sept 14 2021

Holy shit lol 2021

So right now I’m typing on a keyboard that Fernando gave me and the iPad that Chris gave me lol

Time for an update

Well for one it’s fucked up bc i have visited this blog many time but never wrote anything but today i will I’m waiting on my laundry to dry

So big news I’m still depressed still sad and lonely i guess still hate my body but it’d diff than in my younger years as far as food and body image, so anyway in like fall 2018 i told Chris i wanted to break up while we were still renting together and then we got back together like 24 hours later bc u know i am scared, then officially split up in like Jan 2019 and weirdly enough we decided to stay living together until the lease was over in march i think or April, but yeah so turns out kind of like thw while time during the relationship i wanted out but i am not good at standing up for myself and stuff like that so whatever, this is how i remember it now, yo i went to therapy lol, but i remember i just wanted to have sex dude like i was just horny and of course I could’ve kept it at only sex but ugh we hand to date even tho I didn’t like him or i mean agree with everything so maybe i was desperate, but anyway years just flew i guess I have to learn that now that if something is on my mind i need to talk about it and now I didn’t want to bc i was scared but also going thru something myself, but anyway so yeah we split up and he would msg me after we split up and like bro he never said bye lmao but yeah he emails me during the last two bdays and tbh this year if he does i might just respond, so yeah then i moved out by myself bc my cat and mom said no cat which ultimately was good for me bc i got to like LIVE but yeah I didn’t even look for roommates bc PASS, but yeah i was scared but it was so close to work and cool and then i was single and Horny, still at the rental house i would have sex (only once and the first time did i have someone over and it was weird for whatever reason i said yes to smoking weed inside and Chris was so pissed) but anyway then i knew what to look for online and i would like say my roommate wont let me have ppl over rn lol anyway i only used one pic on my tinder profile the one from like oct 2018 we went to casino and so yeah idk it was weird experience but i just wanted to feel hot and get dicked down lmao so yeah then i had hook ups and tbh it was fun and entertaining esp bc at work pwx it was me trayell and daisy and we was all sigle for the most part and it was so fun lol but yeah i know on one journal i kinda kept count or like tried to remember who i hooked up w and of course sex health is real and the one time i wasn’t safe I caught STI so then i had to be treated and it was right after trayell also had STI from previous bf and then gave it to her bf but anyway, i was having fun or u know experiencing things and then def end of the year mostly bc maybe that’s all i remember but yeah the Puerto Rican was fine as hell and I remember him from like Astros World Series time and then there was Anthony lmao yikes but yeah i will def remember like liking the feeling of hooking up and feeling like a slut

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Loving someone with NPD

It fucking sucks! I have bpd and if i was completely untreated, i would have been narcissist chow...more than i already was.

I have pretty decent intuition but it took a long time for me to actually follow it. I met (lets call her Mary) before i listened to it and created a huge blindspot that took me 6 years to fix.

We both arrived on Okinawa Island 24 hours a part, we shared a name and a birthday ( naturally my dumb ass was like OMG SOULMATE- after i stopped hating her). when i first met her, i hated her. I knew she was two-faced and i said so to her face. Few drunken weekends set that unfortunate Trauma bond in place. 

I felt so special. She's two-faced and cruel to everyone but ME. my BPD ate that shit up. she even told me that she thought i was the category of “bimbo friend” until she got to know me.....and i actually took that as a compliment and mentally lorded it over her bimbo friends. it was a disaster.                           love-bomb, cruelty, rinse, repeat.

We were just friends at first, she thought she was straight, and i thought i was a girl- neither are true. We kissed once in a drunken haze and it was absolutely terrible, so it really never happened again. you know justgirlythings. 

I was quite notorious (just because im built like a coke bottle and was put into the marine barracks and you know how boot lickers be) on the island because the Navy is just high-school 2.0. Mary never had my back through it all, she stayed friends with the people who started it and she ditched me all the time at her convenience . I was only on the island for 6 months, and right when i almost cut things off with Mary, i left on an expedited transfer (another tragic story for another tragic time). We stayed in contact via snapchat but honestly we didnt talk much.

Her bf was a bit of a loser and she was planning to leave him while planning their life together...look at that, another red flag that i took as a compliment because she left him for ME. fuck im so needy #narcissistchow. 

I made a joke about her living with me, and she just went full throttle with that shit. So we got an apartment together, twas the beginning of the end and i fucking KNEW IT. i felt it in my gut and i remember thinking...but she’s so mean sometimes... like whyyyyyy dont i just listen to me???? ug anyways

Right before we got the apartment she released my cat into the urban wilderness and he was GONE, presumed dead. Quinn, my beautiful fur-baby, a 13 lb maincoone, fucking HATED HER, and he only hated dicks. so yeah she got rid of him and blamed it on my husband (my life is complex okay). we were obviously not doing great and i didn't think about it too hard until later (even though he has never left the door open, like ever).

It started out so much fun! the adventures and stories that we created together were amazing. she made me feel like it would be like this forever. Bit short-lived.  she would insult, demean, and play fucked up mind games. Luckily for me she didn't get to feed of my pain the way she wanted because i don't exibxit vulnerable emotions (working on that), despite them eating away at me. 

Her toxicity mirrored the way i was treated as a child, so i did what i did as a child. i shut down. I stopped therapy because i was masking too hard for it be helpful. i stopped my medications because idk if they're working because I'm so disconnected. My ocd tendencies that i got rid of as a child came back. Im never not high on MJ (still am because i don't want to FEEL)

And you know why i stayed? because she made me feel special, and wanted, and even more so needed. She is so fucking insecure and i was a constant source of validation and love. we had conversations and conversations about how we were meant for one another and the future we would create together. We even talked about the children we would raise together. we talked about how it was weird that we didn't want to fuck each-other (she looks like an incest muppet lmao) but we were in a beautiful (toxic*) polyamorous asexual relationship.

i was def not perfect in the relationship. i would do so much petty shit (like i did as a child). she would make me feel shitty about something, so i would show off one of my many talents that also was one of her many insecurities. hell, i would fuck up her hair ON PURPOSE. She had this insanely long blue hair that ended in a short red Karen cut lmao i am such a fucking asshole lmao. no regerts

but like also lets not forget the times she literally threatened to murder me....just saying. i may have been a dick, but she DESERVED it.

She kept treating me like shit and i did the non-traditional BPD thing and started setting boundaries for myself. like when she starts being a jerk, just walk away. just leave. also make her jelly with something to feel better lol.obvi that made her MEANER. so i took her out to eat and told her that she was treating me like absolute shit and it needed to sop...she starts bawling...making up shit about how her anxiety this and that and she's not gonna stop being a cunt so shel just move out.

idk why i even tried after that lunch but like whatever. i even sold her my car at a discount price - but now she has the perma reminder lol. i tried. she kept changing the date of her leaving, she just got meaner, and what FINALLY made things click. was she started ditching me and lying about it ( i may have tested it out and made her confess to it without her knowing- she is incredibly stupid). that was the one thing. the one thing i told myself if someone does that to me again, im done. so heyyy at least i stuck to my boundary even though i almost talked myself out of it. so i simply stopped talking to her. for WEEKS. she tried to start conversation, i ended them. she insulted me and i would flip it on her. i was DONE and she knew it. so our 6 year relationship literally ended by me in person ghosting her.

Finally the lease was up and that kinda forced her stupid ass into moving, however. she like half left and half left her stuff. but she left ferret shit fucking everywhere. on the deck, in the closet, smooshed into carpet, random bits of poo strewn about the room. shes fucking Nasty. i cleaned up the ferret poops with her clothes that was left behing...and i rubbed it on EVERYTHING including her dishes. i broke a couple items (some on accident even). stole a bunch of stuff...even a dead mans gift...yeah im PETTY... but i stacked all of her shit at the enterence of the apartment.

Time for pickup! she allotted herself 1.5 hours to pack everything and go to her new apartment that is 45 plus mins away. she comes in- overly exaggerates on thanking me for stacking her shit by the entrance. i immediately ask for the keys ...says okay but then “got distracted”, we did that 3 times till she finally gave me the keys... then i told her about the ferret poo and she claimed that she was gonna clean it today...BITCH IT TOOK ME OVER 3 HOURS FOR THE POOP CLEANUP ALONE...so yeah fuck her.

later that day i hang out with my new friend, lets call her Anna, who is on Marys snapchat- while Mary was putting her stuff in storage (something she swore shed never do) she was saying how pissed she is and how horribly i am for stacking her shit at the entrance. glad to see she's as two-faced as ever.

POST BREAKUP DRAMA:

1) she tried to get rid of everything i gave her but she cant unbuy my car lmao.

2) she got stranded in Texas because she ran out of gas....even though the car tells you how many miles it has before it runs out...like i said, she incredibly stupid 

3) she tried to slither in my life by sending a pic via snap to Anna and then said “oops my finger slipped” ummm its snapchat and thats not how it works stupid ( and this is one of her go to ploys so like lol why?) it was also a pic of a boot that she gave me but its ugly so i gave it back. idk what her whole plan was but it backfire because Anna just blocked her.

4) Quinn came back <3

5) i am obsessed and cant seem to stop stalking her so now imma try just being crazy in blog form to see if my needy bpd self can CHILL. cuz ug i just want to stab her...like 37 times...in the face (it would be an improvement)

[sweet-xoxo-thatcares]

It's like everytime some shit goes bad or I feel wronged, my head starts spiraling, spinning like grandma's record player.

Thinking bout Jay, Ayunna, Terrell, Tatyana, My old jobs, sometimes in that exact order...

Just anything that pisses me off or feels similar and I'm ready to strike again, I'm ready to beat some ass for making my heart feel cold, feel numb like this.

The idea that people don't care about my well being, my mental health, just like these 4 idiots.

I want them executed from my life, burned like witches at the stake for causing me pain in my brain, my heart, the headaches....the tears I don't tell anybody about from remembering every single little thing about when they wronged me, they played me, Jay pushed me away, taty pushed me off of her and told me she didn't want me to touch her, Ayunna using me and Jay not caring cause they were doing it too....Its like I can't even yell at them anymore or tell them how it feels to be hurt a year or more after they hit me on my back. That spot Jay hit me at....

I'll always remember and that's what sucks. And these assholes don't even give a fuck because it's not their pain.

If they could take a walk in my shoes, with my enormous brain remembering everything and everything playing in my head like silly school children in my class, talking about my past, what I wanna be, where I wanna be, and then time is calling you but you don't even know if you're actually in the wrong class or distracted from what's the truth.

I hate looking through bad mirrors, they make you see that I chose to be with them all. All four of them and I did not like it. I dated Terrell to get over the fact that Jay didn't want a commitment with me but still wanted me to be the groupie, the friend, dragging me in, leading me on whenever I would try to actually get the relationship I deserved. A real life, hugging, loving, kissing boyfriend from which I thought was him, I thought it was Teddy and it wasn't right. He ended up revealing his true self that he tried to hide from me, and all I ever wanted to do with him was to forget Jay, stop liking Jay, and be treated to a date by somebody who actually wants to kiss me whenever we want to, hold my hand, walk me down the street, proud to claim me and make me feel special, like it was just him and me. And Teddy cuddled me all night long, he even hugged me. Sex felt so much nicer with him because he let me do whatever I wanted to with him and we even did public stuff. Like there was no rules and I was so happy to be finally treated and wanted that 1st couple of weeks with him. Jay never let me do any of that with them because of Ayunna, but real talk I think it was because of Jay's dysphoria and intimacy issues as the reason why we never made out, never held hands, and Jay only hugged me once out of 2yrs of us being friends and I've never met a person who had such a serious against, against approach to commitment, sex, kissing, or even just me asking them some personal questions about their past. It was like they were so scared for me to see them without the masks on masks they wear around Ayunna and especially other people's families.

Jay wasn't the right man I was looking for to have a family with, even though I got so close to them, but they weren't close to me. Only time Jay revealed something was when they figured I was gonna leave or date somebody else.

which also leads to my other rebound Taty, who I just blocked on insta cause I hate seeing her face now since she won't do the reciprocal courtesy of returning me my only hoodie from College. I want it back cause it's mine, and I alreadypaid $10 to get hers sent back. She's slow and petty. and it's already been a year since I broke up with her. At first I thought we could be friends after breakup, but I realized her being the nicest girl.....at first.....then switching up on me, blowing me off, not talking, ignoring texts for hrs just to play video games after I already waited to text her when she usually got up at 3pm or 5pm due to her lupus....that should have ended sooner because I wanted a gf to do gf stuff with, like yes, serious relationship with somebody who actually went out of their way to sow me a handmade pillow by herself and even wrote a beautiful love letter, like I always wanted to have from someone who means alot to me. Poetry included.

I really thought taty wouldn't let me down and was serious about me like she had meant in her gifts and attention in the beginning. I didn't like how after she told me her depression was making her disconnect from me, that she goes and hangs out with her friends more, not really making plans with me anymore, like I was the one planning quality time...

And she didn't care how that made me feel and I felt so alone about it. Like they went on a trip up in the great lakes and she didn't think to ask me if I wanted to come and other people bfs went....like wow

Slowly cutting me off, like if you were losing interest in me why not say so, so I could end it earlier?

And then she goes to tell me she's dating her married friend, whose wedding we were supposed to go to together. Like no wonder, you blew off quality time with me to go stay at her house after the bridal shower? And I took a 40 min ride all the way up there to come see you....like get your priorities straight.

Obviously I didn't matter that much to you, so yea I broke up with you.

There's only so many times I can tolerate being blown off or pushed away and then I go ghost, I go cold and numb, and yes the truth is revealed, and then I turn into a bitch. And I hate getting like that. Especially if I'm over on the other side, by myself, cause weren't communicating with me.

And I hate her for that shit too. Cause she thinks she did nothing wrong. As if she has every right to keep my Hoodie, my personal property, just because you don't feel like it. Your grandma practically still takes care of you. We ain't a good match either.

so now I'm alone....no new friends yet....still bitching.

cause I don't know if the next time I trust somebody, are they gonna use me, make fun of me like JA, take my money, hurt my soul, and showoff that they care in front of my face, but really out here doing shit behind your back for themselves...

I don't trust anybody right now, not even family so much too. And I don't wanna go down that road.

Maybe I just need to go in the gym like Hodgetwins and get so swollen and buffed up that it won't matter how exes used to treat you in your old body. They can't disrespect in my new one, cause Imma feel 10x better, and 10x stronger than before. Cause I don't want no immature, shallow fuckboats try to treat love like its a business or a silly little ass girl who don't even know the 1st thing about true, mature relationships like I've seen or had to deal with all by myself.

I've never had a partner who treated me like their future was present and that I was the only woman they needed in their life to really make my dream of real true love come true. And I'm disappointed in everybody who let me down and to believing that the right one for me is gonna treat me right, and not hurt me like the dumb bitches they all were. I hate them for that. They make me wanna give up my love for love and just work without even really going for anything because it's scary.

It's scary knowing that even when someone who asks you out, tells you they like you, hugs you and kisses you, can switch up on you and not think you're the one that whole experience you were with them.

I trusted everyone and they hurt me right back.

And they didn't care

And I can't make them see that, how unfair it was to be always waiting, being treated like I was so unwanted, but just want me to be there when they wanted me to.

It hurts that I can't call or see Jay face to face to actually get closure on why the fuck did you play with my head for so long and my heart for so many years, while you jeopardized every sexual relationship I'll ever have later on in life because I can't trust another man, another girl, who kisses me or even touches me because I'll always think I need to wait or runaway before they hurt me like you did me. Lying to me with a smile, a kiss meant nothing to you, but it did to me and you knew that. You steady manipulated and led me on, thinking that we could just move on from the damage because you didn't want to say sorry or treat me better, or do things right. You always acted like when I tried to call you out, I was too emotional, too sensitive when honestly the stuff that you said, the things you did, I could have sent you to jail for.

You're a dirty, low down thief, a tyrant, an opportunist. And I hate every single piece of shit who reminds me of you. The sociopathic, sadist, Narcissist with dissociative identity disorder that they probably need to see a psychiatrist for to get that checked every year. Jay abused me and used me, and I thought the power of love would have brought us together in peace, in good harmony, able to speak our minds freely and friendly, be on one accord with each other.

But Jay's too sick in the head to even care or even Apologize and own up to what they said. Felt like chutes and ladders, always going up and down and around my old self for them. Even bringing my child like self into the bedroom, the one I should have kept protected.

Jay is nothing but a coward, a weakling. Changing their name to escape the past they brought upon themselves or was inflicted on them by someone else. Never really showing who they truly are or who they care for, except Ayunna. Just like playing cards. They played themselves when they thought I could never change, I could never learn who they were, when they repeat the same moves in different stories.

Jay never thought that I could outgrow them and they not know where I am or who I'm bringing a baby home to, or who I am today. Jay needs help, medicine, therapy and a solid family home.

And I have to keep forgiving even on days like today when it's hard to not think about grandma and me not wanting to go to this interview because I don't need anymore pressure 🙃

..

[happilywithharold]

Consequences Part 2

I languidly made my way into my best friend’s home, shutting the door behind me. She peeked from inside the living room, a soft crease in her forehead as she took in my appearance. After my therapy session, the exhaustion had set in. I knew it showed down from the smeared mascara underneath my eyes to the disheveled mess that was my clothing. “Y/N, you’re back from therapy early.” I shrugged. “She said we had gone over enough for today.” I came closer into the room and sat down on the couch. Y/BF/N hesitantly sat down beside me. The look on her face was one I knew all too well. She wore pity like a glove, her doe-like eyes observing me as if I were a bird with a broken wing. She knew I left Harry and up until now, we had been estranged because of him. He never liked Y/BF/N. Back then, it only made sense to leave her behind with the rest of my old life to follow him to Los Angeles. She could never know how much I still regret the decision. “He called again today…” I closed my eyes with a deep sigh and pursed my lips. “Am I making the right decision, Y/BF/N?” “I can’t say. I don’t know what happened in Los Angeles. I wish you would tell me-” She sighed- “But I get it if it’s too much for you. When you two left, you seemed so in love with him.” I still was in love with him, but I didn’t correct her. I look at Y/BF/N and contemplated explaining it all. She was kind enough to let me stay here, so she deserved to know exactly what happened back there. “Everything that could have possibly gone wrong, went wrong. Harry started going to auditions for different singing gigs. For awhile, it was great. There was nothing but the two of us and his dream, but he kept getting rejected. The more it happened, the more he would drink away his problems. We argued all the time… I even thought he was cheating on me at one point. I...I lost- miscarried after two months. H-He still doesn’t know. I had to get out of there. It felt like I was staying in a stranger’s bed." She bit her lip. "Really?" I nod. "That house was a warzone filled with awkward conversation and secret keeping . I lost sight of myself and what was best for me. Even lost a little weight because I wasn’t eating . I should have known this whole thing would blow up in flames. There were so many things I should have seen coming. Every siren that I was ignoring, I’m paying for it .” “I’m so sorry, Y/N.” I had heard it all before. They were sorry. They wished they could do anything to take away my pain. The fact of the matter was, no matter how hard anyone tried the memory of what we had could never dissipate into nothingness. Harry had a piece of me. He always would. “It’s not your fault.” My lips slightly lifted into a grim smile. “It’s no one’s fault.” She patted my thigh. “At least you’re getting help-” The door knocked the two of us from our conversation, a soft wrapping alerting Y/BF/N a visitor was waiting on her to welcome them. I abruptly stood in preparation to hide. It had been years since I saw anyone in this town, and the last thing I wanted was for anyone to see me like this. “Please just let me see her! I have to know she’s okay! Y/BF/N!” The deep sound of his voice reached my ears and made me halt in my actions altogether. In a second, the security blanket I had worked so hard to surround myself with came crumbling down. He dismantled the very barriers I built with the intentions of keeping him out. My hands shook at my side as I stepped forward to see him with my own eyes. Y/BF/N attempted to close the door, but Harry’s foot blocked her from doing so as he continued to shout his pleas through the small space. “Is she okay? I just want to talk to her!” “Let him in.” My lips moved on their own accord. My words didn’t seem to register with my body because the shaking didn’t stop. Y/BF/N looked at me with perplexity. I nodded hesitantly. “Y/N…” He whispered. “Speak.” He glanced back at Y/BF/N but continued on. “You left without a word. I can’t say I don’t understand or that I didn’t deserve it. I did. There isn’t a lot I can say to fix this. Honestly, I don’t know how. B-But you have to know I am so fucking sorry.” He paused, inching closer to me despite Y/BF/N’s protest. “I was miserable, and I dragged you down with me. The moments when you needed me most, I let you down. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” A tear fell from my cheek as I listened. He was saying everything I had waited months to hear but never did. I tried to smell the alcohol on him, but there was none. The dark circles clouding his eyes merely told me of his lost sleep but nothing of his alcohol abuse. “What do you want me to say?” “You don’t have to say or do anything. I hurt you. Badly. I bet you’re running low on expectations , but I need you to see that I am going to change. I’ve signed up for meetings. I thought about renting out the flat and coming back here… Whatever I can do to get you to love me again, I will do it.” I grappled for the strength I knew I would need to say what I was about to say next. My eyes remained on his as I took his hand in mine. “It makes me really happy to know you’re doing better for yourself, but...but I think that’s what this needs to be. For you and only you.” Years of us flashed before my eyes. Him and I falling asleep underneath my favorite constellation. Him and I going on our first date. Him and I sharing our first kiss against his locker. Him and I running away from headmaster Carol after trashing her office with toilet paper. Him and I making love for the first time. Him and I moving to Los Angeles. Him and I seeing our favorite band in concert. Him and I arguing about everything yet nothing at all. Him and I going to the hospital because he passed out on the floor. Him and I distancing ourselves from each other. Him and I… I falling deeper and deeper into depression. “I can’t love you again because I never stopped. But loving you was dumb, dark, and cheap. Loving you will still take shots at me. Loving you had consequences. And I can’t do it. Not anymore.”