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mr-entj · 2 years ago

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Hi Mr. ENTJ, congrats on the new job offer. It's good to hear INTJ and Kobe & Co. are doing well, too.

I'm an ENTJ currently in my fourth year of my Computer Science PhD specializing in Machine Learning/Data Mining, and I know that you know how quickly this field moves. There's loads of advice about how "doctoral programs a marathon, not a sprint" and students need to pace themselves and have work-life balance in order to not burn out. Following these principles, I've made it this far unscathed (in terms of mental health deterioration) and managed to stay in my program.

With luck, an understanding advisor, and low amounts of admin work (emails, meetings-that-could-be-emails, etc.), and good self management, I have been able to work 40 hour workweeks for the most part and stay on track. That being said, I am currently in a period of time where I am increasing to 50 hour workweeks in order to meet a conference deadline at the end of June 2023 (time of writing is mid-late April 2023). As long as I show up to work every day and do my best, I expect this paper will be finished by the time my internship starts. This is fine by me; deadlines need to be met, and I want to continue with my current 5-year PhD trajectory (as opposed to taking longer).

Speaking candidly, I have ADHD and am also Autistic, and maintaining this 40hr/week is critical in preventing the "I wake up in the morning wondering if I've accomplished anything meaningful with my life" feeling that gets in the way of me doing very much at all with my day. I also notice that when I am in the *deep throes* of burnout, my ability to pull back and look at the bigger picture takes a nap and I make myopic, hasty decisions. It's a recipe for bad research.

I've relaxed my "good work-life balance" constraint to simply "do not enter the *deep throes* of burnout". My question is for what lies after this period of time: I will be entering a summer research internship. I am concerned I will not perform well at my internship and will not be able to study as hard for full time interviews as a result of my choices now. Any tips for optimizing this recovery time and post-burnout damage control? Is this an ill-posed question, and there is no way to have my cake and eat it too?

Thanks for your time and consideration, Mr. ENTJ.

You can have your cake and eat it too, you'll just need to endure for the next few months.

Some thoughts on your situation in no particular order:

Get therapy and medication for the ADHD and autism if you haven't already. Mental health issues should never be left untreated especially when you're attempting ambitious and difficult goals. It would be like trying to win a race with a broken leg.

Set strict guardrails to get adequate sleep and nutrition. Don't compromise on either of these two because it'll severely impact performance. During the most intense periods of my life, meal planning worked really well so I could grab and go healthy meals without long prep time. Poor health choices lead to low energy, brain fog, and bad moods. Healthy food/snacks, hydration, vitamins, exercise (even a quick 15 minutes of cardio when my scheduled was packed) made me 10x more effective.

Reach out to the summer internship team and learn more about expectations so you can start planning ahead to manage your time and prepare to hit the ground running. Most summer internships aren't time-consuming and energy draining to the point they'd grind you down to dust. This is because interns require a lot of time to onboard which cuts into the 3-month summer term and they have limited access to information, skills, and experience needed to do more complex work. I wouldn't jump the gun and stress about underperforming without knowing the full scope of your role and responsibilities.

Ensure that you have at least one person from your summer internship who can speak highly of you. In the unlikely event you don't perform well in your internship, you'll still walk away with a solid professional reference to use for future full-time job offers. Pro tip: Companies won't interview every single person at the internship even if you fuck up. As long as they can verify you worked there and you have at least 1 person (more is better) who can speak to your abilities, you'll be fine.

Prioritize full-time job interviews > summer internships if the summer internship has a low chance of conversion to a full-time role. If the opposite is true, reverse that order. If you need to prioritize one of these two, prioritize the one that secures your desired outcome.

Focus on outcomes over input. Focus on the things you achieve, the milestones you reach, and the obstacles you overcome-- not the amount of hours you put in. A few weeks ago I fixed a $5 million problem by clearing up a misunderstanding with a 90-minute conversation. This 90-minute conversation was way more impactful than the 40-50 hours of work I put in the previous week. There's that John Wooden quote: "Don't mistake activity for achievement." Benchmark your progress towards achieving a 'meaningful life' with impact, not input.

#work #school #phd #academia #burnout #internship #internships #entj #faq

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drakkensystem · 1 year ago

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Ok there's something I need to get off my chest.

Caveat that I assume the assholes I'm about to complain about are just a vocal minority, but when that vocal minority reduces my enjoyment of some kind of media and worsens my mental health so they can feel smug, I think I'm justified in complaining about it.

So I saw a Tumblr post recently where someone (derisively) told someone else to "just pick up a comic" if they wanted to know more about DC canon and while there was a brilliant reply mentioning how convoluted DC canon is, I want to highlight my perspective.

Hi, I have aphantasia and a visual processing disorder (also ADHD and autism). This means that my visual perception of my surroundings is absolute dog shit, even when I am actively trying. I went to the same restaurant one to two times a week for years before noticing that one of their major pieces of decor even existed. I have a hoodie that, if I didn't know better, I would think my sibling was gaslighting me about it being green and not blue (yes, I have taken colorblindness tests, both online and officially in an appointment- no, I'm not colorblind). I always watch shows with captions bc my special interest in language means my eyes will automatically track the words, making it more likely that I'll actually see what's happening on the screen. Even so, I often pause and rewind (when I can) so that I can actually see what happened. For a few months, I had migraines so bad that I spent the majority of my time awake blindfolded, but I found that I used my vision so little when navigating around my own house, it wasn't very much more difficult while blindfolded- basically only things that moved gave me trouble.

One of the other consequences is that I find reading comics very difficult. I often compare me reading comics to someone with dyslexia reading regular books: yes, I can do it, but it takes me so much more effort that it's hard for me to enjoy it. (I just happened to be lucky enough that no one pins my academic success on my ability to read comics, unlike dyslexics and traditional books).

There are exactly four comics which I have managed to finish a major chunk of, all of them were franchises I was already hyperfixated on before reading, and the one that isn't also a long term special interest happened in a time in my life that I was incredibly lonely and bored. They were all also manga- aka, significantly easier for me to read bc they are in black and white (and thus there is less visual detail to take in).

So when I say that reading comics is hard for me, I mean it is hard.

And to hear comics fans say things like "just pick up a comic, bruh" (a vocal minority, but they do exist)- it disheartens me so much. I would love to experience those stories for myself. But when I have to re-read each page 3-5 times in order to actually process anything beyond the words on the page, it's too exhausting (note: manga normally only takes me 1-3 re-reads per page).

It is so extremely frustrating for people to act like reading comics is so easy when it's something that I legitimately struggle with. Reading a traditional book? I can read a 650 page novel in less than 3 days. But comic books? I struggled to get through the first 20 pages of a compendium a friend let me borrow once before giving up and returning it.

So next time you feel like deriding someone for engaging more with an adaptation than the original, remember that there is no kind of media that is universally equally accessible. They might just find it significantly easier (and therefore more enjoyable) to engage with the adaptation.

#idk what to tag this as #rambles #ig??? idk #soap box #lectures no one asked for #comics #booklr #dc comics #manga #visual processing disorder #aphantasia

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thistle-nightshade · 1 year ago

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Reading with ADHD/BIPolar

Have you ever sat down, cracked open a book, and your brains goes, we are going to die.

And you tell your brain firmly, “No. Not dying. Reading.”

So you read one page and your brain goes Dying. Must get up immediately.

And you try and tell your brain that no, you are not in fact dying. But you realize that you haven’t comprehended a single word that you’ve read on that one page anyway. So you give up and go do something else instead.

Just me?

Reading used to be my escape when I was younger. I could disappear into a book for hours and not even realize my legs were cramping. As I grew older, it turned into more of a chore. There wasn’t enough stimulation, not enough positive impact for my brain to stay invested in a story. Books started to make me anxious, and it took me months to finish just one.

Here is what I have learned about myself that has allowed me to enjoy reading again:

Spoilers are the best thing ever.

Hear me out. The one exception to my reading hiatus was fanficiton. I couldn’t finish a book, but I could stay up all hours of the night on AO3 reading. It came down to knowing what is going to happen. Fanfiction follows known characters on new journeys and often includes a lot of really well known tropes. I could click on a new story and know exactly what to expect from the tags. This one was sad, that one had a happy ending, this one was all about a specific kink. Each new story felt safe because I knew what to expect from it.

I have recently started to incorporate this into all new media I consume. If you want me to watch a new show, you have to spoil everything for me first. My husband will pre-watch shows for me and then tell me what happens in them. My business partner recently spoiled the entire Alanna series for me. Rather than taking away from the excitement of the story, it gives me peace of mind. Instead of feeling anxious and wanting to get away from the new experience, it feels safe. I can sit back without a worry and just enjoy the tale as it unfolds.

Don’t set a 1 book limit.

My currently reading list — not to be confused with my to be read list— is 28 books long right now. I track it on StoryGraph and that sucker is SCROLLABLE. This baffles some people, but it’s a system that works for me.

I used to restrict myself to finishing the book I was currently reading before I started another. And it seriously slowed me down. There was all this pressure to slog through the words on the pages in front of me, whether I was enjoying them or not. I didn’t get much reading done that way.

Now, I start a new book whenever the mood strikes me. One thing that gets my brain involved in tasks (overcoming my executive dysfunction) is newness. A new book is exciting and I can’t wait to sink into a new world and meet new characters and taste the flavor of the writer’s writing style. That alone can often take me fifty or sixty pages into a book. But usually after that I slow down. And down. And down. Until I am not reading anymore.

But if I can pick up another new book and start the process again? Hells yes.

But what about all the unfinished books? you ask.

I return to those books when the excitement for them returns. I read a lot of different genres at once. History, culture, fantasy, sci-fi. And some things just hit right at different times. (I have been informed this is called Mood Reading). Sometimes I’m in a mental frame to tackle a big and heavy book on anti-racism. Or I can take it in small doses and read a light romance in between. Sometimes I stay in a book and a world for days, taking everything in and finishing a book. Sometimes I read a bunch of it, set it down for a few weeks or months, and then finish it later.

This allows me to read so many more books, and enjoy reading so much more, than I was before. Is it chaotic? Oh yea. Do I sometimes forget what was happening and have to recap? Occasionally, but not as much as you might think. Is every surface with relatively enough space for a book stack filled with a book stack? You bet.

It’s ok to not finish a book.

Sometimes a book just doesn’t vibe right. I used to force myself to finish a book, force myself to care about the writer’s words. I believed, and still believe, that everyone has something important to say. And I wanted very deeply to listen to all of them. But the reality is that I can’t. There are so many voices and so many books. I will focus on reading the ones that don’t drain me. If it is work to finish a book, I don’t finish it.

There are a few exceptions here. Some books are worth the effort. I try to read works from a lot of different perspectives. It’s been painful to read books that reframe the way I consider USA history. But they are important. Those books make the cut. But I give myself as much time as I need to read them. I take them in small doses, and I read something fun in between those doses.

Keep your trophies.

Part of what makes reading fun to me is displaying the corpses of dead trees that have been tattooed on my shelves. I am 100% a book hoarding dragon. I love my stash. I take aesthetic photos of my stash. I bask in it. Books and books and books arranged all around my home make me happy.

Maybe you save all the books you read from the library on digital shelves. Or you post a little blurb from all the ones you loved on your Instagram. Or you buy books and hoard them on your shelves. However you do it, keep a record of all the joy you got in reading your books. Then you can carry a little memento of that joy into the future. (This is important for those of us with shitty memories. Give yourself mementos to hold on to!)

Anyway, that is what has helped me return to loving reading.

In chaos and kindness,

Alyx

#adhd #bipolar #reading #books #neurodivergence #book dragon #spoilers #dnf #current reads

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actuallylorelaigilmore · 2 years ago

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so the project i’m editing is one that i accepted back at the end of november, not realizing when i said i’d be happy to start work on it in december that i was about to spiral into feeling totally overwhelmed by holidays and frequent guests and multiple rounds of covid in the house...when for the first time we had multiple family members staying here at the same time and i had also decided to make people crocheted gifts for the holidays. all my people. as a beginner.

i also didn’t realize at the end of november that i was going to feel an utter lack of holiday spirit last year, most of the time, so secluding myself with crochet projects on a self-imposed time crunch was self-protective, a bit. either way, though, i received the draft i was meant to edit in november, made sure i could open the file, and then--and this is key--did not actually read it.

instead i spent december surviving the holidays, confident that in january i would dig into it, once our house was quiet again. that plan didn’t include the new year’s covid of it all, and the brain fog that lasted most of the month afterward. from february to now, family visits combined lasted another two months or so, and the stimulant medication shortage has given me gaps that mess with my brain each month of this year--until the last one, when i was able to talk my doctor into renewing my prescription early for the first and only time.

so basically, by the time i opened the draft in january and was already struggling to work on it or anything requiring brainpower...that was the first time i realized that it was a very rough first draft, not what i had expected (i’m honestly not sure why. i hadn’t been given an indication in any way). i started working on it, but battling my adhd while trying to do my best work was like a tug of war i couldn’t win, because my brain is detail-obsessed, which makes me a good editor, but also got me totally bogged down in this process because it just needed so much shaping up before i could even see it for the story.

the battle that is my brain makes me frustrated and whiny and even more avoidant of trying to work, because i know that if i just had the perfect conditions i would suddenly be able to function again, and it feels so unfair that i can’t magically create those conditions for myself. anywhere that i work is near noise and people and an adorable cat whose affection i refuse to ignore, and it’s nobody’s fault that i’m so easily distracted, but it certainly feels like it should be somebody’s fault, which must mean the fault is mine. also not a great feeling to toss in the mix.

in april, i was lucky enough to get a few weeks with no family events and a lot of quiet, and i made good progress on the draft, leaving me with only 47 more pages to line edit. after that’s all done, i have other notes to take and things to check and tidy up, so i suspect i’ll need a few more days to finish the whole thing. but so far today i’ve gotten 8 more pages edited, and after a break i’m going to do some more. despite feeling lousy lately, i’ve been able to make use of my alone time just the way i needed to, and i’m really proud of that.

if i can get the line editing done by wednesday, i’ll have thursday left to do some of the follow up work. and since today really has let me prove that i’m still capable of thinking clearly when i’ve got perfect conditions, i’m aiming to get as much done as possible before i go back to struggling. basically, since november i’ve had this project and an unrelated crochet project waiting for me to finish them, before i allow myself to move on to anything new.

that has included tv shows (i’m avoiding spoilers for everything), reading books, crocheting for fun...really anything but podcasts and tablet games, which is how i’ve kept busy for half a year now and which i suspect has been bad for my mental health. because new tv shows give me breaks from reality and sharing tv shows is my love language, and a birthday loophole that had me watching nancy drew and later sharing it helped me a lot last week when depression came out of nowhere and knocked me down.

so i needed to ramble about that journey, and possibly post further updates just to keep myself motivated. once the editing is done, i’ll be free to get back to my more-fulfilled life, and stop punishing myself for struggling by withholding all the stuff that makes me happy. (and in future, i will have learned valuable lessons about how avoiding fun distractions doesn’t help me work better, and how i can only work with the environment i have--waiting for a better one to come along means not working at all.)

#adhd #mental health #writer problems #life stuff #randomness #long post

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pbandjesse · 2 years ago

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I am tired. I don't want to go to work at the nursery tomorrow. But I will. Because I know I should and also me and James had to take stuff from our savings to pay our rent. Stupid. I'm glad March is a 3 paycheck month. And hopefully the insurance payout comes soon.

I slept alright last night. I woke up with enough time to have breakfast at home. Which was an entire mango and also peanut butter pretzels. And then I headed to work.

I felt super cute today. Which had me in a great mood. But my energy level was all over the place today. I would be fine, I would be so tired, I would be talking a mile a minute. But I lucked out with just the best group.

When I got to the museum I took Jim to the second assembly line classroom to show him how to set that up and he helped me get everything together.

And for real I had the best group. Jordan and Rosia came outside with me to check the buses in. The other group had just gotten in and our group was a half hour early. So I got on the bus and let them know we were going to wait until the other group had cleared out and then bring everyone inside and do a bathroom break and drop off lunches and things. And my bus was so excited. They also hello to me and I asked the teacher if they were one group and then I was like oh you're going to be with me that's perfect. And they were so great. They did warm me that I had one child that I had ADHD and he's not able to get his medication because of the shortage right now so he was kind of bouncing off the wall. But he was super funny so it was fine and he wasn't very distracting to the other kids they mostly would just laugh and then get back on track. And they were all so mellow that made my life so easy.

after we did our bathroom breaks I took them to the classroom and I have them all sit down where I need them to and we got into our assembly line talk and it went great. It's hard because I was in the second assembly line classroom which is essentially a wasteland. There's nothing on the walls and I hated in there. But I did have some of the big printout pictures and I was able to show those to them and I got pretty close to my normal talk. I did trip on a chair and almost fell over. But beyond that it was a really fun time. They did a good job building the cars as well.

Overall they weren't very loud and they did a good job. There was some backup in the middle but parents jumped in and helped and we finished with a couple minutes extra. We watched the video and they were the quietest group listening to that video which was very funny to me. And when I told them that they all said thank you. Which was even funnier. And then we went and hung out in the car and got to see the rest of the exhibit and they seem to really enjoy that.

Next was lunch and then during that time I just chilled in the back and had my snack. I wouldn't talk to James for a little while. They order our stickers that I had designed. So they should be here sometime in the next week. I feel really good about all the products I've been making and I think my market table this year is going to be really fun. I still have to get bags for my pairs but everything else is going really good.

I got stuck in the bathroom for a few minutes. Because I had two aprons on for the cannery and I was wearing a jumpsuit and it was a whole thing. But I got out and everything was fine. I brought the kids to the cannery and we had a blast. Or ADHD friend was Mr Platt. By request. And everyone did great. No big problems at all. I did have all of my kids do an extra oyster because they were really enjoying it. And they had a lot of really good feedback and questions and comments. I really enjoyed my day with them.

At the end I gave him a little bit more information that I had forgotten about in the intro. About the railroad and stuff. And then I just told him that I thought they did such an amazing job and that they were really fun and they were just like super grateful and thankful and told me I was awesome and it just felt really good. I don't know I hope that they have a great rest of the day and that they would come back soon. The one little girl said she didn't want to leave and I told her she should just get a job here. And she's like I can't! And it was very silly.

I hung out the lunchroom with them while we waited for everyone to get together to get on the bus. Chatted with them about things that we collected and different things that they like to do. One of the kids told me that he had a very nutritious lunch of peeps, a soda, and goldfish crackers. And then it was time for them to go. I said goodbye and went to go work on supplies with my co-workers.

I sat upstairs with Jordan and Jess and Meril. And we just gossiped and talk shit and it was fun. We told stories about ships and talked about different things in our lives and worked on our oysters. It was a really nice hour. I was planning on leaving early but I didn't know the end because I was having a good time. Jessica would come up at one point to check in with us and she talked about how she played soccer when she was in college and how she still play soccer! And I didn't know that. I knew that she was in her the Hall of Fame for college though because she's very good. So it's nice to know that she's an adult league. I get excited when I hear people are passionate about things.

I would head out around 3:00. I said goodbye to James and went to the store. I just wanted to have some time to myself.

I went to value village and I had a great time looking around. I was mostly taking pictures of nonsense. Things that made me laugh. I found the egg gel and molds. I didn't buy them because Mom says that she has some for me. But it was funny to see them. And I ended up finding two more of the birthday bears that I collect. Which means I'm only missing January now and then I'll have the entire year. And I'm very excited about it. I couldn't remember which ones I was missing though so I had to spend a while going through my phone trying to find a picture of the collection. But I did and then I was able to get the two that I needed and that was really exciting for me. I also found two calico critter doll houses for $4. So I bought one of those. And then I found a rug that's from Venezuela that is very cool. And I only spend $11 for all of the things I got. But I was there for over an hour. I looked at everything. I touched every sweater. I had a great time just looking around and listening to my music. And apparently my joy was palpable because someone came up to me and he was really nice.

He was an older guy and he was signing and had a little bit of the deaf accent. But he told me he didn't want to bother me and he didn't want to worry me but that I just had a beautiful spirit and he wanted to let me know. And I was just like oh my God. Thank you. It was so sweet. It really brought a little tear into my eye. I don't know what he was seeing but that was really nice.

I had to wait in line for a really long time because there was something wrong with a couple of the self checkouts. But I didn't care. I chatted with the girl behind me. She said that I had some amazing vines. Specifically the Venezuelan rug. And I paid and went home.

My butcher was very low again. Doesn't happening a lot. So I ate crackers and vegetarian pepperoni while I was driving. Handful of jelly beans. And then I got home and James asked me what I wanted for dinner. And we decided on corn and vegetarian shrimp and stuffing. And it was a really good dinner. I have thoroughly enjoyed the last two nights of dinners.

I would work on a little art. Worked on my molds some more. And they're coming up better every time. I'm really figuring out the best ways to get the bubbles out. It's hard because this is not a vacuum mold and tapping it because it set so fast isn't really seem to help. But if I use a toothpick and kind of wiggle it around I can get most of the air bubbles out of three of the four molds. The one is still giving me trouble.

So much trouble that when I was trying to pour one and flick it with the toothpick it splattered and I got some resin in my eyeball! And it burned! James came when they heard me yell and gave me eye drops so I could wash my eye out. I don't think I need things in it and it doesn't hurt anymore but it was scary!

I would work in the studio on and off for most of the evening. My mom and Jess help me decide on some doc Marten sandals to spend my birthday money on. I ended up finding a pretty good deal on these pretty lilac ones with floral buckles. And James played a game with their friends on the computer. And eventually I went and took a bath and it was just nice and relaxing.

And now James is making me cookies because they're the best husband ever. And I love them so much. And soon we will go to sleep. I'm at the nursery all day tomorrow and it'll be nice. I'm going to be upload her and just be wherever they need me so that's a little stressful. But it's fine it'll be a nice day. I hope that you won't have a nice day as well. Send me as much energy as you can because I do not want to be tired. Let's hope I can sleep well tonight and that you can too. Good night everybody

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kneelbeforeclefairy · 16 days ago

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HI HI ITS ME HI! I have been diagnosed with both of those! I think I do have both. The sleep doctor said I can't have both but it's possible I have a hybrid of the two? And they gave me the initial diagnosis of non24 but then another doctor said he didn't believe I had that because largely blind people had it but I was like HI I CAN BE THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE it does occur it sighted people.

And boy if it's not apnea they have no idea what to do. I did a sleep study and apparently I had some minor apnea but not even enough to qualify as sleep apnea,but all they wanted to talk about was a CPAP or a night guard and I'm like. Guys. When I'm not hooked up to 1001 machines once I sleep I sleep well. Can you listen to that and focus on my actual sleep issues. Barely. Also I had to fill out a sleep log for two weeks or whatever and thank God it was during covid so it did show some of my "natural sleep" but because it wasn't even every day the doctor didn't think I had non24. Well of course it wasn't and even 2 hours later every day. I FIGHT It. I've learned how to fight it. Also like. I didn't have steady work but I had shit to do so some times I had to get up at a certain time.

And when I tried to get them to focus on the sleep disorder weather it was delayed sleep phase or non24 I got told basically. All you can do is control your light intake. Can I put a light box at my desk? Nope. Don't have a desk also i was an early childhood teacher so I sit in the dark for an hour twice a day while babies nap. Oh that's unfortunate. Try micro dosing melatonin. Honestly haven't given that the old college try because melatonin has such a ??? Effect on me that I have been too scared to give it a shot again because I have to get up for work the next day

I think it's just such a fucking awful way to live. I like having a "name" for it. Nice knowing what's going on. But there's still no answers as to how to help. But between that and ADHD it makes time SO difficult to understand and use effectively. And I'm constantly tired. Constantly. Because even if I get eight hours of sleep the delayed sleep phase means I don't feel rested if it's too early. And even if I fall asleep at a reasonable time and get up early for work the next day and I'm fine, within a day or two or three depending on how good I'm fighting it, I'll start going to be a little later. I think my "day" is 26 hours. I'm programed for about eight hours sleep and 18 hours awake, give or take a little. And that....that doesn't work with the real worlds 24 hour day and work schedules that start the same time every day.

Part of me thinks I'm kind of a mild case because I've learned how to live with it and I can hold down jobs it's just harder. But finishing school? School when first period was at 750 ? It's not THE reason I didn't finish high school but it's one of them. But also I've had this since I was a baby. My mother didn't know much from babies, but Ive worked with them for years now and now I know. No. It is not normal for your five month old to not fall asleep until 11pm-midnignt. I still slept the same AMOUNT of hours. But mom could start putting me to bed when I was eight pm and she'd just be rocking me for four hours and I'd fall asleep at 12 anyway, or just start the routine at 10pm and hope. My entire life was fighting my sleep cycle.

I didn't know there were so many of us.

one of the most enlightening realizations ive had was finding out that non-24 hour circadian rhythm people were a pretty large group and most of us have oddly similar cycles of usually around 28hr internal "days" and this masquerades as "insomnia" but if allowed to sleep and wake naturally we will just advance forward through time an extra 2-4 hours a day at a relatively stable pace. we can't go to school or jobs or even run errands on normal schedules without massive pharmacological and behavioral intervention. most of the people who have been diagnosed or figured it out themselves will report horrific, life-ruining disruption in their professional lives and terrible health from accrued lack of sleep. this disorder is most common in vision-impaired people which seems to suggest it's related to light cues. anyway just thinking about this as extremely loud yard work woke me up at 8am for the second day in a row

#sleep #mental health

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csolarstormhealthjournal · 7 months ago

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My medical issues are eating away at me. There's no good position to get into to just sit and relax. My pain and other stuff prevent that. And when all conditions are good and I just *decide* to lay down and sleep, my OCD makes me really aware of my breathing. And then I get loud music in my head. But I'm afraid to take Benedryl, because pain is worse at night, and half-sleeping because of pain is hellish. There's just very little to room to sit and savor things. I can't eat the things I want to. And the games I supposedly enjoy playing, the shows I like watching...they get old. I don't find myself as hyped by anime. The same games start to feel like a creepy loop. I don't know how much serotonin I can get from games and shows. I want to leave, go out, try new things. And I am doing that with the Pokemon Go group - at least within the confines of the same town I already walk through - but when I come back from days with the group my medical issues just get worse. It's hard on my body. Doing things I *actually* like is hard on my body. But I do them, because what else can I do? If I don't, this void inside me eats away at me.

And I don't think I can tell my parents this, or at least it won't do much, because they don't know what to do about it. They're burnt out too. It makes for a real unmotivating environment around here. The cats and board games are really what keeps the dopamine flowing around here.

I'm two weeks late on my testosterone because the doctor's prescription isn't reaching the pharmacy. She's sent it in twice, according to the online portal. This happens every time now. I didn't even have the energy to call her today. What would I do differently this time if I did call her? I was completely out of it this morning. I started serving myself up pills without realizing it. I started to call the doctor and looked under "E" for Endocrinology. That's not how it works. And it took me a minute that too.

In fact there are two prescriptions now that just aren't reaching my pharmacy for no reason I can understand. The other one has been stalled like this for a month. Insurance is good, they just don't like being in different counties. But that's how it has to go for me. I don't know what to do about this other than to go to the hospital.

I don't want to get to a point where this is all just my medical problems hurting me all the time while I distract myself with shallow stuff like media and popsicles. Except I think that's where I am. ADHD makes it hard to finish at-home projects that feel more fufilling. I start them, I get close to the finish, but then when it gets frustrating...ain't no more dopamine coming from this task. And it's not like doing sedentary projects at home is what I want in life anyway. But like, too bad.

Not a lot of dopamine coming from a lot of places.

At least I confirmed that my cousin in law/friend...soon to be ex-husband in law/friend...was not hitting my cousin. My friend was not a domestic abuser! Hooray!

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adhddissertation · 3 years ago

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I feel the thing that nobody talks about with ADHD is the pervasive sense of shame. It is always there and I cannot seem to escape it. I constantly feel useless and ashamed; at times I hate myself.

Now I know I have to be kind to myself, and finding a label for that (ADHD and dyspraxia, potentially autism as well) has made that so much easier. I have done Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and have been having Counselling for years. I know I deserve kindness and that I should be kind to myself, and celebrate how well I am doing despite the hand I have been dealt.

But it is so hard not to feel deficient. All my classmates at university have graduated. The year below me have graduated as well. I am still here and I still don’t have a dissertation. People ask me why, and I tell that I am struggling but I am trying so hard and working really hard.

And yet... I woke up at 6am today and it has taken until 3pm to sit down to do any work. You ask me what did I do this morning and the answer is I don’t know. Yet another day has been lost, and I can’t help but feel so ashamed. I just want to do well. For once, I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel that for once all my effort has been worth it.

I want to take a picture of me in front of the university library holding my dissertation, just like everyone else did.

And yet, I feel like I can’t make myself make any meaningful steps towards this goal. I just want to be free of my dissertation and university. I just want this sense of shame to cease; to be able to go a day without having to think about my dissertation.

I just want to be able to knuckle down at knock out my dissertation. I know so many people who have bragged about writing their dissertation in one night, three days, a week... whatever. But here I am, I have been working on an undergraduate dissertation for 18 months, and I feel humilitated. I have practically nothing to show for it. I only have to write 10,000 - 12,000 words, it shouldn’t be as hard as this.

I just wish I had control over this. I wish I could wake up and think I am going to do work today and then actually do it. Then that’s before I even consider the fact that I work so slowly - pretty much every task I do takes me much much longer than anyone else; it takes me longer to read; longer to understand content; longer to write. I just struggle so much, but yet I keep trying.

One day I will have a finished dissertation, and I will take a photo in front of the library, and I will graduate because I try so fucking hard, and keep trying no matter how many times I fall down.

#rant #personal #adhd dissertation #actually adhd #adhd studyblr #adhd student #neurodivergent studyblr #nd studyblr #neurodivergent student

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heythereitsace · 2 years ago

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The Spoonie's Way

I've tried/failed at The Artist's Way for several years. I've tried to tough it out on my own (bad choice) and with real life groups (better) and weekly Zoom meets (best). But I've always struggled to keep up the habits I develop over the twelve weeks, particularly things like the Morning Pages, and I think I've realised why:

The Artist's Way is not designed with disability in mind.

For me, specifically, I've got hypermobility. That means my body bends further than it should, and it makes certain things more painful or much more effort. One of those things? Writing with a pen.

The Morning Pages are a cornerstone of The Artist's Way, and right off the bat you're told that they should be done long-hand (handwritten) AND first thing in the morning.

"Just get up half an hour earlier," the book prompts you. "Gift yourself this morning time."

No no no. My poor broken hands means that half an hour is not nearly enough time to scratch out three pages. I need at least an hour, maybe 90 minutes, to get that done. And my hands are RUINED after that. Like, don't ask me to now make breakfast, or drive, or do up buttons. Looking back now, no wonder I couldn't get through these courses! I was being asked to do MUCH more than Julia Cameron thinks she's asking, because I'm not the default body she imagines when she's putting this course together. I don't think it's malicious, I just think it's a lack of thought.

The hardest thing about it (before you realise this course isn't designed with disability in mind) is that the course tells you "This may be tough, but stick with the discipline of it. It's worth it."

That may be true for folks without jelly joints, but this was NOT a worthwhile discipline for me. I threw myself against it again and again, and all it did was hurt me, wreck my mornings, and make me feel like a colossal failure.

So, if there are any fellow spoonies also struggling through The Artist's Way, let me share with you a few tweaks that myself and other spoonie friends have used, so that you can enjoy the challenge without it being impossible.

YOU DON'T NEED TO HANDWRITE YOUR MORNING PAGES. I give you permission. If you've tried it and it hurts, or it puts your body into a bad position, or it takes way too much time out of your day, TYPE THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS. I like to use a website called 750 Words which is inspired by the Morning Pages. It's a really simple writing space which gives you a confetti celebration on the screen when you hit the target, shows you your writing streak, and converts your daily mind-dump into beautiful data which I ADORE. 750 Words is free for the first month and then you pay after that, but it doesn't even need to be that complicated - just write in a Google Doc, or whatever writing space works best on your computer. As long as it's saved and stored in a way that you can find it, and it's not going to be easily accessed by others, you're doing great.

YOU DON'T NEED TO WRITE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. My partner has ADHD and mornings are NOT his friend. He hasn't had his meds, he's often struggling from coming to bed late, it's just the absolute worst time for him. You know when IS a good time? Writing in the evenings. He loves doing that. Once he gave himself permission to sit down and write in the evenings, he didn't miss a day, and it became an awesome daily wind-down for him. If mornings are complicated for medication or insomnia or neutrodivergent reasons, experiment with writing at different times and see if you can find a time that better fits you. Being able to write regularly is more important than writing first thing.

IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE THREE PAGES. Buy a smaller notebook. Or buy a bigger one and write just one page. Choose your own word count on your digital doc. Set a timer and write until it goes, or write until YOU feel you're finished. This is your space. Find what works for you.

TREAT IT LIKE A SCIENCE EXPERIMENT. Everyone's different, and it might take a few goes to find exactly what works for you. So, by all means, try the Morning Pages as described to start with. But if you find that it doesn't work, rather than coming down hard on yourself for 'failing', treat the whole thing like a science experiment. So, it didn't work today. Why was that? What can I tweak to get a more consistent result? And then try that change for the next iteration. You don't have to keep bashing your head against it hoping for a different result. We spoonies have it hard enough. Mould this creative tool into one that fits your hands, your body, and your life.

#Artists Way #The Artists Way #Julia Cameron #Creative #Writing #Creativity #Creative Practice #Spoonie #Chronic Fatigue #Disability #Morning Pages

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anotherfuckingmarvelfanaccount · 2 years ago

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Masterlist

My Masterlist

Hey everybody! This is just going to be a collection of my writings so they don’t get lost in the sea of reblogs!

Now, as you’ll see, obviously, I don’t have fics for all of these people yet, but I have lots of wips on the way for you all, and lots of ideas that I haven’t even started writing yet, as well as a mini-series that I’ve started writing and haven’t finished. When I finish it, it will get its own masterlist, and the link will be posted here. As well, I’ll try to update this every time I post a fic, and while this is everyone I have plans for writing, I’ll probably include the Guardians in here at some point too!

You can also request any of these people, and I’ll post when my requests are closing, which is unlikely to happen, and you’ll all just have to deal with me being reallllllllllllllly slow to update and answer requests.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MCU

Platonic!Avengers

Touchstarved (March 1st, 2022)

You really hate being touched, but when you get sleep deprived around Bucky, will things change?

Crushes on the Red Sea (March 2nd, 2022)

Your period shows up, so you take the day off. When everybody finds out you’ve been harbouring a secret crush, they pester you until you finally tell them.

Crushes on the Red Sea pt2 (February 19th, 2023)

After a few weeks of dating, Bucky reveals to you that he had heard what Peter said but wanted to hear you say it because he figured there was no way you actually liked him. Softness and fluffiness ensue

I Lost My Phone! (July 4th, 2022)

Reader’s ADHD causes her to lose her phone a lot, when the Avengers find out she has specialized ringtones for all of them, they’re obsessed with finding out what they all are. Note: Sam x Reader is mentioned in this fic, but mostly in the background / end.

Bruce Banner

Bruce’s Birthday 2022 (January 4th, 2023)

After a mission where Bruce had to Hulk out, he’s very protective over you from Hulk even though Hulk’s never hurt you. At some point during the fight, the clock hits midnight, signalling the beginning of his birthday, so naturally, after everyone’s calm again, you give him his present.

Bucky Barnes

Bucky’s Birthday 2022 (March 12th, 2022)

When Bucky gets injured on a mission right before his birthday, you help him celebrate in a special way. An embarrassed you and Steve follow.

Taken (January 4th, 2023)

Tony accidentally finds out that you and Bucky are together.

There You Go (May 20th, 2023)

Reader has been wanting a tattoo forever, but has always been too scared to get it done. Her best friends, Natasha and Wanda, convince her to finally go to where they got theirs. There she meets Bucky Barnes, an absolutely gorgeous man with an entire sleeve of tattooos on his left arm, and he’ll be the one doing her tattoo. What has she gotten herself into?

Are You In Here? (X)

Clint Barton

Clint’s Birthday 2022 (September 20th, 2022)

While dealing with the major threat that Thanos has become, what will you do when you find out that you’re pregnant? What will happen when the Avengers find out?

Loki Laufeyson

Wait For Me (V)

All Or Nothing (VIII)

Sit Down, My Love (XI)

Do What You Gotta Do (XXII) (Dad!Loki x Daughter!Reader)

Romeo, Romeo (XXIII)

Maria Hill

Maria’s Birthday 2022 (July 24th, 2022)

After 18 months of dating Maria, Natasha realizes that you have no idea when her birthday is, embarassment and cuddles ensue.

Natasha Romanoff

Nat’s Birthday 2022 (December 29th, 2022)

When you get sick trying to make Nat’s birthday perfect, she takes care of you and kisses away every single complaint about her working on her special day.

Peter Parker

Sometimes Life Gets in the Way (April 18th, 2022)

You and Peter, the two youngest Avengers are dating and are ready for your first time to be with each other. When some stuff regarding your parents come to light, things get put off. Especially when you factor in that you’re both starting university.

His Hoodie (July 2nd, 2022)

On laundry day, you’re out of shirts and steal Peter’s hoodie to wear. He might like it more than you originally thought.

Peter's Birthday 2022 (October 17th, 2022)

After being fired from your job, Peter gets you a new one working for Nelson and Murdock. After you burn his birthday dinner, Peter reminds you that you’re going to May’s for a party tonight. After the party, your new boss needs some stitching up after a nasty fight. What a day in the life of Spiderman’s girlfriend, especially on his birthday

You’ve Been Faking It? (II)

But...They’re So Small (XXV)

Can’t Stop Singing (XXXII)

Pietro Maximoff

Come Take A Break With Me (February 20th, 2023)

When Pietro realizes that you’e been so busy writing you haven’t taken care of yourself, he convinces you to take a break with him

Slow Down (XII)

Phil Coulson

Phil's Birthday 2022 (October 15th, 2022)

For Phil’s birthday, you decide that you want to spend some time with your husband, so you make a phone call and voila, dinner and dessert for two.

Sam Wilson

Sam's Birthday 2022 (November 10th, 2022)

Sam goes on a run every morning with Steve, and you’re always still asleep by the time he comes back, so he showers and crawls back into bed with you for more cuddles and an early morning nap, this morning, when he comes back, you have a spicy surprise for him.

So Happy Together (XIII)

Stephen Strange

Stephen’s Birthday 2022 (November 13th, 2022)

You invite some of Stephen’s friends out for his birthday, after the dinner you take care of your very drunk fiancé.

Steve Rogers

Coming Out (March 18th, 2022)

You decide it’s time for you to come out to the team, even if it means losing everything.

Steve's Birthday 2022 (October 15th, 2022)

During the aftermath of Steve’s birthday, the answer to a truth or dare questions reveals the birthday boy’s virginity status. Reader lends him a hand (and a mouth, and other things).

Or, when Steve tells the team he’s a virgin, how does the one person he has a crush on, the reader, wind up helping him out?

Come To Me (February 17th, 2023)

3 months after the mission that changed your life, you finally let Steve in to help.

T’Challa Udaku

T’Challa’s Birthday 2022 (July 25th, 2022)

While waiting for Bucky to finish cryo, T’Challa was never as nice to you as he was to Steve. Now that Bucky’s awake, will things change? Note: Reader is Bucky’s sister. (Barnes!Reader)

Thor Odinson

Pure (March 27th, 2022)

After everyone else has failed to lift Mjolnir, you’ve been encouraged to try. How do things change when it turns out you can?

All Or Nothing (VIII)

Did I Shock You? (IX)

Let Me Take Care Of You (XIV)

Tony Stark

Tony’s Birthday 2022 (August 23rd, 2022)

After weeks of not knowing what to get Tony for his birthday, you finally come up with an idea. Spoiler alert, he loves it.

Baby, Come To Bed (XV)

18 (XXIV)

Wanda Maximoff

Honey, I’m Floating (VI)

Stucky x Reader

Two Crushes (VII)

Take A Ride (XVI)

Cookies, Music, and Movies; Oh My (XVII)

Take Me Out To The Ballgame (XXXV)

WinterWidow x Reader

Uh, Guys? (July 31st, 2023)

You get put on a mission with both the infamous Winter Soldier and Black Widow to take down a Hydra base. You get shot and the extraction plan goes haywire but Tony knows a safe house. The only issue? There’s only one bed and you have a massive crush on both assassins.

Headcanons

Headcanon #1 (January 25th, 2022)

Headcanon #2 (January 30th, 2022)

Chris Evans x Reader

Comfort (Uncle!Chris Evans x Niece!Reader)(special request) (November 17th, 2022)

After a fight between you and your dad, you run over to your Uncle Chris’ house only to find that he’s not there. When he gets home, he helps you feel better with some special Evans’ secrets: hot chocolate and Disney.

Seven Minutes In Heaven

Series Masterlist

STRANGER THINGS

Steddie x Reader

You Like That? (August 1st, 2023)

You’ve been dating your two boyfriends for about a year, and the three of you have had sex a few times, but nothing major. However, while they’ve been a little more open about what they want to do, you’ve been hiding one thing from them. Your major praise kink.

You Never? (I)

Just Keep Swimming (XVIII)

Steve Harrington x Reader

I Won’t Say I’m In Love (XIX)

I Haven’t Shaved (XX)

Eddie Munson x Reader

Baby, You Need A Neck Rub (III)

You’re Sick (IV)

I Have Something To Tell You (XXI)

Kingdom Hearts

Riku x Reader

Always Been You (XXVI)

Axel x Reader

I Just Want You (XXVII)

9-1-1

Evan “Buck” Buckley x Reader

You Like Jazz? (XXVIII)

Talkative (XXXI)

I’m Just Not Ready (XXXVII)

I’m So Sorry! (XXXVIII)

Eddie Diaz x Reader

No Reprieve (XXIX)

Bat Flip (XXXIII)

Buddie x Reader

Me? Stare? Never! (XXX)

Tier List (XXXIV)

Three’s Company (XXXVI)

#my masterlist #mcu writing #people don't normally die here #afmfa writes

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aprillikesthings · 2 years ago

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So, I'm not the first person to have noticed this, but--

If you have ADHD, and one of your parents was an abusive shithead, chances are the abusive parent is the one you inherited the ADHD from. (I don't have numbers on this--it's just a thing a lot of people have noticed.)

And that...fascinates me.

Because yeah, some of it is emotional volatility and poor impulse control and just that, in a lot of parts of the USA at least, it's still socially acceptable (and/or expected) to beat your kids.

But! I also wonder how much of it is "maybe if I punish you enough, you will turn out Normal in a way I didn't."

But that can't be all of it, because in many cases, like my dad's--I mean, he said his mom did the same shit to him. So why did he think doing it to us would get a different result????*

So I also wonder how much of it is "I hate these qualities in myself SO MUCH that seeing them in you is making me hate you, too." So it's almost self-harm by proxy.

And man is that just really, really fucked up.

More personal details behind the readmore--

*that's actually one of the things that is so crazy-making when I look back at my childhood. All that abuse was supposedly because I was doing badly in school. But they knew what improved my grades--literally just riding my ass every single day to show my homework to them and/or getting progress notes every single week. It was hell in some ways but it was a relief because the accountability meant that at least I got my homework done. And they wouldn't fucking do it for longer than a few weeks or months--they would go back to the same thing of waiting until report cards were in, freaking out, screaming at me, beating me and/or grounding me for months at a time. Again. And again. And again. And again. So it was definitely not "for my own good" or whatever bullshit reason they rationalized to themselves.

And the only thing I can think of, is that they couldn't deal with watching how hard it actually was for me to stay on task. That it was physically impossible for me to focus. That it took me hours to finish a math worksheet and that I'd cry with frustration at my own inability to just fucking finish the thing. I can remember one of those times, sobbing at the dinner table while my dad yelled at me because YOU JUST NEED TO PAY ATTENTION AND DO IT. (Because that worked on him as a child, I'm sure. /s)

I'd occasionally be told to do it in my room since I couldn't pay attention with other people around me, but of course, I didn't focus any better there. If anything it was worse because nobody was there to see I'd drifted off and tell me to get back on task.

Oh, the irony though: in 1995 (just after I turned 16) we got proper internet. (Before that, it was just my dad on BBS's, which I had no interest in.) Websites took EONS to load. For a solid six months of 1996 my fave thing online was an html-based chatroom. If it was hopping on a Saturday night, it would take five to ten minutes for the page to reload. And so I would do the more boring/busywork kind of homework in my lap while waiting for things to load. Or, once I was on IRC, between interesting bits of conversations. I got more homework done after we got the internet than I had, like, ever.

But also: that was during a spell of several months when my parents were actually getting progress notes weekly.

And then I wonder why I failed out of community college repeatedly even after I got diagnosed and treated. School = trauma for me. Any multi-step project hanging over my head becomes "homework" in my self-conscious, and then I can't do it. I'm still surprised I managed decent grades for the two part-time terms I tried at the local state university in like 2007. (I quit bc doing it on top of working full-time was burning me out.)

When friends of mine with kids find out their kids are struggling in school, and their first instinct is to help them and not punish them, I grieve over what I should've had. I don't know that I'll ever be less angry about it.

#my life #child abuse

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mosswillow · 4 years ago

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Focus - Dark!Bucky Barnes x ADHD!Reader

Warnings! Dark! 18+ content, vaginal fingering, noncon/dubcon, smut, kidnapping, oral (female receiving)

Summary: You never should have taken the job cleaning for Stark industries. The Avengers might be heroes on the outside but something sinister lies just beneath the surface.

A/N: this is part of the Synonyms series. You can read any of them as stand alones but I encourage reading them in order if you want to read all of them. This one specifically ties them all together (but you can still read it alone and it should make sense)

This is one of those where it doesn’t feel done but I’m done writing it. I think I just hyped it up in my head too much so after actually writing it I’m like, eh it’s not as good as I thought it would be.

Word count: 3.4k

If you could just focus, everything in your life would be better.

Your inattention follows you around like a shadow. It stands behind you, silently ruining your life while you try in vain to just focus. Just don’t forget. Just stop losing things. Just pay attention. Teachers in school would tell you to stop daydreaming, that if you just listened you could do so much better. Growing up, Your parents treated you like you would never amount to anything. They would push your siblings to do well in school but when it came to you they were silent, unwilling to spend energy on a kid who couldn’t even make it through a family dinner without getting distracted. Everyone around you would laugh at your “quirky” personality. You know that for other people you’re funny, always getting yourself into trouble and making silly mistakes. You don’t think it’s funny though and you never did. As a kid you would frequently cry yourself to sleep. You found ways to hide your stupidity so that just maybe others might overlook your shadow. You’ve tried so hard to act normal, to make check lists and routines but it never works and you always find yourself once again brought to tears after your inevitable failure.

This is why you took the job at Stark Tower all those years ago. You knew you wouldn’t excel at school and so you took the first job you could find, cleaning for Stark Industries. It’s something you’re actually good at and the only routine in your life you’ve been able to consistently follow. It makes you move around constantly and there’s always some different puzzle to solve. You love the feeling of finally getting out a tough stain from the carpet or finding the perfect tool to finally get to a hard to reach spot.

Now, after years of hard work and an extensive background check you’ve been promoted to cleaning the Avengers floor. You have a generous salary now, health insurance, your own place with no roommates. Some people may judge what you do but you don’t care anymore. It’s honest work and you love it.

---

You walk into stark tower, showing security your badge before heading to the elevator and riding it up to the Avengers floor. You’ve had this job for a few weeks now but you still feel nervous every day. If you’re honest you’re scared of them, the Avengers, They feel unhinged. It’s nothing they do or say. It’s the general vibe you get when you’re around them, like they’re filled to the brim with unbridled anger that hides underneath a cracking exterior. Any moment they might break completely and whatever trauma they’ve all been through will spill out and consume anyone who dares stand close to them.

You start your day in one of the many bathrooms, scrubbing every surface before taking your cleaning supplies and working your way through the floor. Every day is much of the same, you spend all day cleaning the massive Avengers living area, trying your best to stay out of their lives.

You turn a corner and see Captain America with someone, a new recruit you’ve seen around but haven't met. He has her against the wall, pushing his finger into her pussy. You stand stunned for a second.

“If I don’t take action now I might lose you and I can’t lose you.” Captain America says.

You turn and jump back behind the corner, sliding your back down the wall. You can make out some of their conversation and it sounds dramatic. She’s crying and begging him to walk away. You close your eyes and tell yourself to stay out of it. It’s not your place and if you tried to step in you could lose your job.

You hear footsteps walking towards you. Captain America stops and flashes a smile while you stand up.

“We appreciate privacy here, you understand the consequences if you tell anyone about anything about our personal lives?”

You do know, they had you sign an agreement that said they’d take everything away from you if you talked about their personal lives in any way to anyone. If you value your livelihood you won’t speak a word about it to anyone.

“I’m sorry sir, I saw you there and didn’t want to interrupt. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop but, Is… is she ok?”

He crosses his arms and looks you up and down.

“Everything is consensual if that’s what you’re asking, we enjoy a little roleplay sometimes.”

you‘re not totally convinced, something inside you tells you that he’s lying to you. He looks at you so intently and you know, despite his hero status, that he wouldn’t hesitate to get rid of you permanently if he had to. you nod your head and give a smile.

“I’m sorry if I insinuated anything sir.”

He checks his watch before quickly walking away. You exhale and pick up your cleaning supplies. As you walk past her room you stop for a second, deciding if you should knock. You back away, not wanting to interfere more than you already have.

“You’re new here.” a voice says as you reach the living room.

“Yes, I just started a few weeks ago.” you reply.

“I’m Bucky.” he walks over to you, looking you up and down.

“I have a lot of work to finish.” you back up a few steps and hold your cleaning tote in front of you. Bucky stuffs his hands in his pockets and smiles.

“I won’t keep you.”

---

Six months later

---

You walk into Tony’s suite and lean down to plug in your vacuum. A pop of red catches your eye and you pull a thong out from under the nightstand. You turn it over in your hands, deciding what to do with it. A hand comes behind you and takes it from you. You look up to see Tony Stark in front of you, stuffing the thong in his pocket.

“Mr. stark.” you gasp.

“From a one night stand.”

“Of course sir, do you want me to wash and return it to your... friend?”

“No.” Tony says quickly. “That will be all in here today.”

“I haven't vacuumed yet, do you want me to come back later?”

“No, just leave.”

You unplug the vacuum and roll it out the door, turning just briefly to close it behind you. As the door closes you see Tony pull the underwear out of his pocket and bring it to his nose.

You try your best over the next week to keep your mind focused on work. Everything starts to get back to normal.

One evening you hear a thud and someone yell out in pain. You run over to see Tony in the hallway standing threateningly over a woman.

“Is everything ok? You ask.

“We’re fine, you can leave for the night.” Tony says, waving you away. You make eye contact with the woman, looking back and forth between her and Tony. She nods and gives you a small, unconvincing smile. You turn around and walk away, wanting nothing more than to get home and take a long shower. Maybe you can forget about what you just saw.

On your way out you run straight into a wall of muscle.

“Hey, what’s the rush sweetheart.” Bucky catches you, holding onto your shoulders.

“I, uh, I’m sorry sir. Nothing, I’m just anxious to get home I guess.”

“Call me Bucky.”

“Bucky.” you say, moving away from him and towards the door.

“Hey, are you ok?” He takes a step towards you, cocking his head and furrowing his brow.

“Yes sir… Bucky.”

“Hey, you can tell me.”

“No, I can’t.” you look into his eyes, silently communicating the reason for your silence.

Bucky runs his hand through his hair and looks down.

“Your socks match.” he looks up and smiles.

“I’m sorry?” you look at your feet.

“You usually wear mismatched ones, it’s cute.”

You know he meant it to be a fun observation, maybe even a weird complement, but it feels pointed. You always lose your socks, it’s just one of the many small things that you should be able to do better but just can’t. You can’t even keep your life together enough to consistently find matching socks. You give a fake smile, used to laughing at yourself when these things are pointed out.

“Oh, yeah.” you laugh.

Bucky takes an almost imperceptible step towards you and you in turn take a very obvious one backwards.

“I’ll see you tomorrow sir.” you say.

“Bucky.”

“Bucky.” you give a tight smile before walking away.

---

Two weeks later

---

Natasha hands you a book.

“Can you wrap this please?”

“Yes ma'am, whose name should I put?”

“Say to my little bookworm, Love Nat.”

You wrap the present lovingly, putting extra care into it. You’ve seen them together, Nat and her girlfriend. Tony and Steve’s wives mostly keep to themselves but Natashas girlfriend is always nice to you, acknowledging you and thanking you when she sees you working. She owns a bookstore that you’ve visited a few times and always remembers you when you walk in.

“I think you forgot a piece of tape.” Bucky whispers in your ear making you jump. He’s started doing this, becoming more comfortable around you, touching you in small ways and getting just a little closer than what’s appropriate. You grab another piece of tape and secure a bit of paper.

“Thank you.” you say as you tie a bow around the gift and write the note. You pause with your pencil trying to remember what Natasha told you to write. You should have written it down when she told you it. You curse under your breath, wishing you had paid better attention when you were given instructions. You remember it was something easy but not exactly what she wanted.

“I have to get this back to Ms. Romanoff.” you push past Bucky.

“Did I do something to make you upset?”

You stop and look at him.

“No sir”

“Bucky”

“I just prefer to remain professional while at work,” you look down.

“What about outside of work?”

“I would rather keep that life separate. I’m sorry, I just really like this job and don’t want to do anything that might jeopardize it.”

Bucky clenches his jaw and you half expect him to grab you and push you against the wall like you’ve seen the captain and Tony do to their girlfriends and then wives. You flinch when he takes a step towards you. He reaches out, brushing the back of his hand over your cheek.

“I’m not like the others,” he whispers.

You’re not sure what to say, you just nod and watch as he steps back and walks away.

---

One month later

---

You’re doing dishes, scrubbing hard against burnt on food that was never soaked or even rinsed. One of them had a date the night before, making a complicated meal.

“How long until you get your girl?” Thor says to Sam as they walk into the kitchen.

“Tony’s working on it, probably a few weeks before I can take her home.”

They each grab oranges and head into the next room. their voices get quieter for a few minutes then louder again as they walk back to throw away their orange peels.

“I’m envious, I often fantasize about finding mine, If only I knew where she was.” Thor says.

“You have no idea where she could be?”

“I must confess, friend, I don’t even know what planet she’s on. She’s a slippery little lady.”

You stop washing dishes for a second, mind trying to dissect what you’re overhearing.

“You ok?” Bucky sets a plate next to the sink.

“Yes sir.” you reply, taking the plate and washing it.

You turn off the sink and turn around, seeing multiple dishes you forgot about. You pick them up and bring them to the sink, restarting the cleaning process.

“I think you should take a vacation.”

You look at him and raise your eyebrows.

“You’re a hard worker, and fast too.”

You nod in agreement.

“You’re… unusual to watch though.”

You set the last clean dish in the drying rack and turn your back to Bucky, taking a step away. You put your hand in your pocket to pull out your phone which holds your to do list but it’s not there. You look to your right and left and then turn back toward Bucky. He holds your phone out to you and you grab it and open your list.

“This is the third time today you’ve misplaced your phone.”

“I appreciate your concern, you’re very observant.” you bite your tongue before you say something aggressively inappropriate to your boss.

“Hey, I don’t want to hurt your feelings. You’re very smart and capable, I just noticed it’s been worse lately and think you should take a break.”

You take a deep breath.

“I’m taking next week off.” you say, grabbing a broom and walking out of the kitchen.

“Good.” Bucky yells after you.

---

Three months later.

---

Your phone rings, waking you up from a deep sleep.

“Hello,” you say sleepily.

“Hey, can you come in ASAP?” Tony says from the other end.

You jump out of bed.

“Of course, I’ll be there soon.”

You quickly get dressed and run out of the apartment. You gasp and drop your bag as soon as the elevator door opens. There’s a huge mess covering the entire living room and kitchen. There’s broken glass and furniture everywhere as well as a hole in the wall. It looks as though there was a fight and you wonder what happened. You get to work right away.

Thankfully a few of the Avengers wives come and help you clean up. Natashas wife evidently is back from a long honeymoon and you’re happy to see her. You smile at her and she frowns back at you.

“Are you ok?”

She looks away. “Just tired.”

You watch her give a tiny flinch as Natasha calls her name from the next room. Something is very wrong.

“You got this cleaned up fast.” Bucky says, taking a dustpan away from you and dumping the contents into the trash.

“I had help.” you say, looking over to where Natasha and her wife stand across the room.

You look back at Bucky and give a sweet smile.

“I was wondering if I could leave a little early on friday. There’s a birthday party for my grandmother.”

“I think you’ve earned leaving a little early after today, you’re welcome to get ready for your party here too. You can use the guest room.”

“Thank you sir.”

“Bucky.”

You resist the urge to roll your eyes.

“Thank you Bucky.”

---

You put on your dress and a full face of makeup, admiring yourself in the mirror before heading out. Bucky stands outside of the guest room door, obviously waiting for you.

“You clean up nice.”

“Thank you.”

Bucky clicks his tongue as he stares at you.

“Did I ever tell you that you remind me of someone I used to know?”

You back away.

“No, you didn’t.”

“I miss her.”

You try your best to take even breaths. The way he looks at you makes you deeply uncomfortable. You feel naked despite your dress being on the conservative side. You make the mistake of looking straight at his crotch, seeing a very visible bulge. You gulp and shift uncomfortably on your feet.

“Have a good time at your party.” Bucky says.

“I will.” you say politely before basically running to the elevator. You get in and realize you forgot your phone. You walk back to the guest room where Bucky waits, holding your phone out for you. You grab it and turn around but bucky catches your arm.

“Focus, do you have everything you need.”

You shift your eyes away and realize you forgot your wallet and keys too.

Bucky grabs your things out of his pocket and hands them to you.

“Thank you.” you breathe.

Bucky hums and lets you go.

“Be safe,” he yells as you walk back to the elevator, this time taking it down and leaving the tower.

---

Three months later

---

You’re going to quit today. As good as the money is it’s not worth the fear and stress of working there. Not only have you become more and more concerned about the wives of the Avengers but you just can’t take Bucky anymore. You’re scared of him. The way he looks at you makes you feel as though he could decide at any minute to lock you in a room and tear your clothes off. You feel constant stress at work and have developed a tremor. No amount of money is worth this work environment. The lease at your apartment is about to end and you’ll move back with your parents until you find a new job.

You enter the avengers floor and hear yelling.

“Fuck!”

“I thought we were kidnapping women?”

“You weren’t supposed to just snatch one. Now there’s a whole mess to clean up.”

“Thor just took his.”

“He has a point.”

“Thor had that whole betrothal thing.”

“Touche.”

You make eye contact with a scared woman who is sitting on the couch with her hands tied in front of her. She mouths run and you do, running out of the tower and home. You start frantically packing a bag, throwing your phone away since you’re sure they can track it.

“There’s nowhere to hide baby.”

You scream as Bucky pulls you away from your suitcase and throws you on your bed.

“Here’s what’s going to happen.” he touches your face, smoothing his finger over your lip.

“We’re married now, Tony already set it up. I’m going to take you on a honeymoon on an island until I can trust you.”

It clicks in your head, the honeymoons. They always come back so quiet and introverted.

“What did they do to those poor girls?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

Tears start forming in your eyes.

“I won’t tell anyone, just let me go.”

“This is the only way.”

Bucky’s hand travels down your body, grabbing your waistband and pulling your pants off. He puts his hand in between your legs and you squirm away, clenching your legs tight.

“Please baby, I don't want to hurt you but I will if i have to. Now open up”

You shake your head, tears now spilling down your cheeks. He slaps you hard and you clutch your throbbing face, crying out and pushing your body against the headboard. You slowly and shakilly open your legs for him, closing your eyes as he dips a metal finger in your pussy.

“I’m not like the others.”

He thrusts his finger in and out.

“They took those women out of greed. They feel like they deserve love after everything they’ve given up... we’ve given up.”

He reaches his other hand up, still fucking you gently with a metal finger, and grabs your chin, shaking your head gently until you look at him.

“I just want you to be safe and happy.”

Bucky pulls his finger out. He grabs his cock, stroking it as he looks at your naked lower half. You try to close your legs but he grabs them, pulling them open. He kisses your mound gently and you arch your back involuntarily, pushing your pussy into his face. He grabs your legs and holds you against his mouth, suddenly sucking and licking until you’re coming undone. The pleasure washes over you and you relax for a second before your mind is brought back to reality. Your legs shake as He pulls back and smiles at you, climbing over you and pushing his impressive dick in. He kisses you as he thrusts into you, grabbing your shoulders and squeezing them as he comes.

“I’m going to be good for you, this will be good.” he whispers, holding you as you cry in his arms.

---

You’re forgetful. You don’t focus, don’t pay attention. It was right in front of your face and you still missed it. You always miss it. You’ve always been someone who gets themselves into trouble, always making silly mistakes and having to pay for them.

Your shadow did it again, silently destroyed everything around you while you ignorantly looked the wrong way. If you could just pay attention.

If you could just focus.

But you can’t.

#dark!bucky barnes #dark!mcu #dark!bucky x reader #dark!bucky

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the-blonde-adventurer · 3 years ago

Text

Never Ending Truths (20)

Indiana Jones x OC

Summary: Indiana and Harley have their first-ever fight and things get tense.

Warnings: violence, arguing, blood, angst

Words: 3266

**One month later**

Life with Indiana has been nothing but blissful. He opened a whole new world for me and made me want to jump his bones any chance I can. Indy doesn’t complain he enjoys it and sometimes starts it. I like to use our connection and tease him to get him in the mood. I’ve already learned so much and I’m not afraid, I’ve actually gained more confidence. He makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

I sat on the couch reading a book while I waited for Indy to finish his meeting at the museum. They wanted to discuss some artifact they wanted him to recover. I should make him dinner so he can eat some food when he comes home. I get up and start cooking, lost in my own world, not paying much mind to anything around me. "Hey, beautiful." Indy walks in the front door hanging up his keys with a smile on his face. "How did the meeting go?" I ask him as I put the food on the plates.

"Great! I'm leaving tomorrow, and I am so excited. I'll tell you all about it after I shower." He came over, kissing my cheek before walking off to the bedroom.

I set the table and poured the drinks before cleaning up the mess I made in the kitchen. Indy came out dressed in his nightclothes as he sat at the table. I walk over and pull out my chair and sit down then start blessing the food. I finished praying and then looked up to see Indy was waiting for me to finish so he could tell me everything. "They want me to go to Egypt and get the Merneptah Stele." He smiles wildly. I could feel how excited he was by the beating of his heart.

"What!?! Really?" I smile back getting equally excited.

"Yeah, I'm so excited; I'll take a picture of it and show you if I find it." He smiles before taking another bite.

"What, I can't go?" I asked him as I processed what he said.

"No, you have school. Plus, it will be suspicious if we are both gone at the same time." He explains as he takes a bite of his supper, not looking at me.

"Am I ever going to be able to go?" I wonder as I felt left out. He's going to be gone for who knows how long, and I'll be here all by myself.

"Yeah, I'll take you on some easy ones where there isn't too much danger." He finally looks up at me.

"I can handle myself." I inform him as I set down my fork, staring into his eyes, trying to make my point.

"Harley, it gets perilous. I don't want you hurt or worse. I can't imagine life without you. Not feeling our connection every day because you are dead will tear me apart." He tells me honestly as he leans on the table with his arms trying to be sincere.

"I can fight and shoot; I don't see the problem. I can handle myself; I don't need to be babied." I try to make my case. I know I'm useful, and I can handle myself, but I don't understand why he doesn't see that.

"You are the clumsiest person I know. You wouldn't last ten minutes out there. You'd try to run and then trip, and then you'd die. You walk down the stairs and fall, you'd step on a boobytrap, and you can't focus on anything." He tells me as I feel him start to get irritated.

"So you lied to me before, you said I'd be helpful, and you wouldn't have to babysit me, and I would notice things faster because of my ADHD." I glare at him feeling hurt and betrayed.

"That was before I knew how clumsy you are. Just last week, you twisted your ankle from stepping in a hole in the grass." He squints back at me as his voice starts to rise.

"One time!" I roll my head in annoyance as I throw my hands up.

"You can't even handle a bully at school. You honestly think you can handle people who want to kill you!?!" He throws that in my face saying he's the one who has to look out for me.

"That's because I don't fight back! I'm trying not to get kicked out! If I fight him, I'd definitely get kicked out and possibly thrown in jail."

"You aren't that good of a fighter." He rolls his eyes and snorts as he leans back in his chair with his arms crossed. I was stunned as the words came out of his mouth. I've fought him, and we tied. How can he possibly say I'm not a good fighter? He hasn't seen me actually fight and finish my opponent. I took it easy on him because I didn't want to hurt him, and now he sits there cocky, saying I'm not as good as I think I am.

"We tied; what does that say about your fighting?" I sass back as I lean on the table.

"I had you pinned several times. I took it easy on you because I didn't want to hurt you. If you were the enemy, I could have finished you easily." He sighs, rolling his eyes once more.

"So I'm some clumsy, distracted damsel in distress you always have to save?" I toss my napkin on the table as I wait for his response.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, sweetheart, but you are. I would have to constantly watch you to make sure you don't do anything stupid. You always get yourself into bad situations." He tilts his head to the side as his lips curl in as the venom in his voice stung me.

"Nice, real nice." I try to control my temper, not wanting it to go any further than this.

"This was supposed to be exciting news." He pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a deep sigh.

"I'm sorry, I ruined it for you! That seems to be all I'm good at! Getting distracted and ruining everything." I get up abruptly as I push my chair out. "I'm so happy for you, dear! Have a great trip! It will be so easy since you don't have to take care of a damsel in distress!" I give him an attitude as I slam my chair back in.

"I will!" He shouts after me as I storm into the bedroom and slam the door. Damsel in distress! As if! So what If tripped a few times? He honestly thinks I'm a damsel in distress and I'd be useless. He lied to me just to make me feel better! What else has he lied about? I couldn't help with how angry I was as it was boiling inside me. I wanted to knock everything off the dresser and break everything in the room. I need to calm down before I do something stupid. I walked out of the room to see Indy leaning over the sink with his arms spread wide as he looked out the window. "Where are you going?" He sighs as he doesn't even turn to look at me.

"For a walk, is that okay with you, or is it too dangerous?" I sneer as I have my hand on the front door handle.

"It's going to get dark soon." He states in his monotone voice, not even bothering to look in my direction.

"Oh, so it is too dangerous. Don't worry; you'll know if something bad happens, and you can come and save the day." I sass as I wave my hands for emphasis. I walk out, slamming the door behind me before storming down the street. How could he think I'm useless? Clumsy as if! So what if I trip? He's never seen me in action or focused on something! He's going to take me to stupid little digs where there is no adventure! How come he can go out and have all the fun while I stay here like a good little soulmate. He's just like all the other men who think women should stay home and be an excellent little housewives! He's promised me adventure since the very beginning, and now he's going back on his word! Just when I thought things were going good, he goes and tells me I'm useless. It was all a lie!

The world around me turned dark as the sun went down, causing the temperature to drop and sending chills down my body. I kick a small rock I found as I walk down the sidewalk, not paying attention to anything around me. Useless, clumsy, distracted mess. How can he possibly say those things to me!?!

"What's a woman like yourself doing out so late and all alone?" A deep voice asks me to my left. My head snaps up, immediately becoming alert of my surroundings. I notice a man leaning against a fence as he plays with the toothpick in his mouth. He was a tall, muscular man that screamed terrible news. I look around, trying not to be suspicious, figuring out I walked into the wrong part of town. I shouldn't be here. I keep walking, trying to ignore the man as I turn away and go back the way I came. "Come on, doll face, don't be like that." He follows me.

"Leave me alone." I tell him as I keep walking, not wanting this to end badly. Maybe Indy was right; I always get myself into bad situations. Only if I focused on where I was walking, I wouldn't have ended up here.

"Oh, feisty, I like it." He chuckles from behind me. "Why don't you come with me, and I can take that pretty little mind off of whatever is bothering you."

"I'm not going anywhere with you. Leave me alone." I walked faster as he caught up and began to walk next to me. I felt him put his arm around me as I felt a sharp tip on my side. Great, the situation bad turned worse. "I guess it's going to be the hard way."

"Yeah, I guess so." I chuckle. He was shocked that I started laughing and not panicking that he had a knife at my side. I quickly hit the blade out of his hand and spun around, grabbing his arm and pulling it behind him twisting his wrist up so he would feel pain if he tried to move. "I told you to leave me alone, and you had to pull a knife on me when I'm already pissed off." I push his wrist up, causing him pain. I kick the back of his knees, causing him to fall to the ground, crashing to his back, making me lose the grip on his hand. "Now fuck off," I tell him as I take a few steps back, grabbing his knife and throwing it to the other side of the street. He got up and tried to charge at me, but I quickly got out of the way as he crashed into the white fence. He got back up, clearly not learning his lesson the first time, as he took a swing at me. I ducked out of the way and punched him right in the face by the jaw, causing him to stumble back.

"I can take care of myself!" I shout, letting all my anger out as I think about my argument with Indy. The man refused to give up and be beaten by a woman as he came back for more as his pride was hurt. I ended up pinning him to the ground as I punched him over and over, watching as he began to bleed. "I'm not some damsel in distress who can't take care of myself!! I can hold my own!" I finally noticed he stopped fighting back and stopped my attack. His whole face was swollen and bloody, and I was the cause of it.

I checked his pulse, feeling he was still alive and breathing. I get off him and turn him over so he wouldn't choke on his blood and die. I quickly walk home, thinking about everything that happened. Indy was right; all I do is attract trouble and don't pay attention. I ruined his happy moment and thought of myself. This is his job that he has been doing long before he met me; I'm just a student that happens to be his soulmate. I was selfish, and now he's pissed off at me and probably will never tell me what he's doing. He said he only wanted to keep me safe and couldn't live with himself if anything happened. It was I who escalated the whole situation with my temper. I'm the one who got myself into this mess in the first place. I should have just let him have fun as he told me how excited he was. Why do I have to overreact and escalate things? Indy doesn't deserve to be treated like that after he's taken such care of me. He also escalated it by telling me I suck at fighting and always do stupid stuff. He basically told me I was worthless and he would have to watch me constantly. He was just pissed off. I was throwing a fit and turning it to make it about me. I fucked up and shouldn't have asked about myself when this was his work. I saw our house dreading going inside, knowing I was covered in someone else's blood.

Indy was still upset, but there was a new emotion that I didn't feel earlier. Worry. Why is he worried? Probably felt me fighting and how long I've been gone. I sigh, knowing I'd have to get this over with sooner than later. I walk over to our little gate, careful not to get blood on it as I walk to the front door. I went inside to see indy was at the key rack picking up his keys before he turned around to look at me. He looked me up and down, noticing the blood on my hands and over my clothes. "What happened?" His voice was low, and I knew he was pissed. I sigh as I walk over to the kitchen sink. "You were right; I don't pay attention and attract trouble." I start cleaning my hands, trying to get the dried blood off me.

"Why are you covered in blood, Harley?" He came over, turning me around to look at him as my back was slammed against the counter.

"I...I." I couldn't find my voice and tell him what had happened.

"Spit it out! What happened!?!" He grabbed my arms tightly as he stared down at me. His mouth was turned down sharply while his nose crinkled with anger.

"I wasn't paying attention where I was walking or my surroundings and ended up Beacon where some guy pulled a knife on me and tried to get me to go with him. I fought and left him on the sidewalk bleeding, but he's alive." I say quickly as my heart raced out of fear. I've never seen him this pissed off, and honestly, I was terrified of him.

"DAMN IT, HARLEY!! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! THIS IS WHY I DON'T WANT YOU TO COME WITH ME! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT HE WANTED TO DO TO YOU?? HE WANTED TO RAPE OR SELL YOU OR END UP KILLING YOU!! YOU CANT EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO WHERE YOU'RE GOING AND PUT YOURSELF INTO THIS SITUATION!! I COULD HAVE LOST YOU FOREVER!!" He yelled as his face turned a crimson red while spit flew from his mouth. He let go of me and ran his hands through his hair before placing his hands interlocked on his head, trying to calm himself down. I've never felt him this furious before as I watched him close his eyes and take a deep breath. "I'm sorry." I hung my head as tears ran down my cheeks.

"SORRY!?! SORRY ISN'T GOING TO CUT IT!!" He tossed everything off the kitchen table swiftly as the flower vase shattered to the floor, spilling all its contents. "ALL BECAUSE YOU THREW A FUCKING TEMPER TANTRUM, YOU END UP THERE!! YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDN'T BE WALKING BY YOURSELF AT NIGHT IN THAT NEIGHBORHOOD!! I HAD NO IDEA WHERE YOU WERE, AND ALL I FELT WAS YOUR DAMN HEART RACING AND A KNIFE AT YOUR SIDE!! I THOUGHT THE WORST! I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO FIND YOU DEAD IN THE STREET!! THEN MY HANDS BEGAN HURTING, AND I KNEW YOU WERE FIGHTING SOMEONE OFF!!" He came over to me, getting in my face. "YOU.." He raised his hand, and out of reflex, I held my hands up, fearing him hitting me. He froze, and his expression quickly changed into regret as he took a step back from me. I noticed his hand was only pointing to the door, and he wasn't going to hit me. I slowly put my hands down as I continue to sob, feeling nothing but regret for everything. I didn't say anything for fear of setting him off again. He's right; it's my fault I ended up in that bad situation. Indy went to the opposite counter, leaning on it, and crossed his arm around his chest while his other hand went to his face rubbing it with a sigh. He looked over at me before looking at the contents of the table that lay shattered on the floor. He walked over and got his keys from the ground before going to the door, placing his hand on the handle, and looked at me. He sighed before shaking his head and walking out the door, slamming it behind him. I slowly go to the floor and sob into my knees knowing all this could have been prevented.

I finally controlled myself and looked at the mess of shattered glass, water, and food all over the floor. I start cleaning, not wanting something else to set Indy off. The first fight we have, and I never want it to happen ever again; I never want to see that much wrath on his face. The kitchen was finally cleaned up, so I decided to take a shower and clean myself up.

*** I get into bed, trying to get this day behind me, and hopefully, Indy will return. I fucked up. I end up crying myself to sleep, waiting for Indy to come home.

*** I woke up feeling how dry my throat was from my weeping needing some water. I noticed Indy wasn't sleeping next to me, which made my heart drop. I looked at his clock to see it was two in the morning. I slowly got out of bed, making my way to the kitchen dragging my feet as I kept my head down in shame. I grab a glass from the cupboard, getting some water before looking out the window. His car is in the driveway, but where was he? I turned to the living room and noticed him sleeping on the couch. He didn't even want to come to bed with me; he must still be pissed off with me. I hang my head before going back to the bedroom to go back to bed.

*** I wake up to the sound of shuffling in the living room, knowing Indy must be getting ready to leave. He entered the room and grabbed his bag from his side of the bed before walking out. Is he not even going to say goodbye to me? I get up and watch him walk to the door with his bag in his hand. He paused as soon as he felt me standing at our bedroom door. He opened the door and walked out, not even bothering to look at me. He hates me. I sigh as I walk to the bed and curl up in a ball as our fight plays in my head.

#fanfic #adventure #harrison ford #indiana jones #soulmate #romance #indy #never ending truths #raiders of the lost ark #teacher x student

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