#my actions would still have been my own and im not trying to absolve responsibility for people who do that

[hollowedskin]

It genuinely frightens me how easily I could have fallen into the terf hole.

My whole life was trauma, often (but not always) perpetrated by men. The issue was that every man I knew would give it ago, and also some women. So it felt like the women were making choices, but the men seemed to just be designed to be abusive. (At the time I did not know any trans people.)

There was a time when I would block people for being men, when I thought it was too dangerous to talk to men. All the men in my life were legitimately dangerous people. This was also the time I discovered feminism, and the idea that women were equal to men and did not deserve to be oppressed and abused. Previously I had believed that this was just what life was. I was raised in a bad place.

I think if in that vulnerable state I had been approached by terfs, if the first people to validate my trauma had been terfs. I would be in the hole now.

It frightens me how easy it would have been. Being raised in a cult-like group, I was so succeptible to further indoctrination. Being so lonely and hurt, it would have been easy to get my trust and twist it until I felt that perpetuating my trauma on other, different women was the right thing to do, that it would be keeping the "right" kind of women safe.

I know there's nothing special about me that would magically keep me from being a bad person, and I'm so incredibly grateful that the people I did meet were accepting and steered me in the right direction. That I'm not just bullying people because I'm hurt.

And I also don't think that I'd be as far along in my recovery if I had that belief that men were biologically evil still in my head. How could you possibly feel safe? Learning that the abusive men in my life were making active choices to do that, that it wasn't natural or uncontrollable.

Meeting men who were just as trustworthy as my women friends, meeting kind and wonderful trans people, the world feels like a safer place. It feels like a place I can heal in.

But the knowledge is always there that I could have chosen differently, and become a type of person that I despise; someone who chooses to hurt people BC they have been hurt... I think we need to acknowledge how easily you can fall into harmful radicalism.

u ever see someone with extremely fucked up views (or actions) and think wowww if a couple of things in my life went the tiniest bit differently that would have been me

[hewantshisbrideback]

wasnt expecting arya calling herself ugly and horseface in your fic but she is right tho. im glad you didnt make sansa the villian

Wow, my first troll! Doubt you'd be brave enough to stick around to read my answer, seeing as you're scared enough to use anon, but hey, I never pass up an excuse to talk about my favorite character, and this ask is such a softball.

Arya has actual trauma because she's been harassed and bullied by people, yes, including Sansa. Obviously, this does not mean Sansa isn't and won't be a good person. Only an idiot would assume that, or project that assumption onto others baselessly.

In my fic, Arya jokingly brings up the insult used by Sansa and Jeyne as a way to deflect her discomfort with suddenly being treated with value by the sexist society that often rejected her. She never calls herself ugly. That's you projecting. Again.

Sansa's response isn't meant to absolve her of any culpability for her actions because - shocker - I do think former bullies need to accept responsibility for their choices, even if they were children at the time. They don't need to be punished or vilified, but denial does nothing but trivialize suffering.

Sansa's response is her way of apologizing and mitigating the consequences of the insensitivity she displayed as a child - which again, is understandable because she was and as far as canon goes is a child - in a way that is socially acceptable for their positions but also maintains her own value systems, by continuing to place emphasis on the importance of physical appearance.

Anyone with a brain could tell you that while this gesture shows moral growth, only a shallow, vapid, and pitiable person would mistakenly believe that the best thing a woman can be is 'pretty'.

Now I don't think that Sansa is such a person - when I wrote her calling Arya pretty, she was just clumsily attempting to heal a specific psychological damage she had caused.

But I do think that you are such a person, anon. Which is why I'm certain that you won't have stuck around to read this answer - and if you did, that you don't understand it.

This is more a love letter to my mutuals, followers, and favorite content creators who understand and appreciate the series better than you do! I won't do this for every rude anon after this, but while we're here, thank you @mysticalmuddle @the-king-andthe-lionheart @ashotofjac @insomniarama @gendrie @aegon @aryastaark @aryaofoldstones @nerajaana @redrumkhaleesi and everyone else in the fandom who loves the books as much as I do. Our community is so much better off because it's made up of people like you!

Also, for the record, I've had anon turned on for, what, T-minus an hour and a half? These people are beyond parody.

I don't think there's much else to say, unless anon is still here and you want to follow up your first ask with another. You could try calling me ugly? Or even branching out - try stupid. Maybe that will do the trick. One more thanks to all those tagged, and all who follow me, for not being like anon, but lmao, that's all, folks.

[themeed]

damn allowed myself to want things for a day and all i want is a van to live in, knowledge, freedom, weight loss, and a bass guitar.

im. happy with that i think. im proud of me, no jokes. im proud of being able to want things and care about them and vibrate towards them with longing. im... pleased with that. its fulfilling in a way Not Wanting For Anything isnt, because thats... kinda hollow. empty. in a vacant, lonely, yearning and grieving and SAD way. maybe because i Couldnt Want then. i Couldnt Desire or it would be used against me or taken away. that sucks. that sucked.

and now. im free to want again. and comparatively???? i think im very much never going to aim for buddhism or that weird Not Desiring Not Attached Nirvana mindset. like good for u but been there out of trauma and its not fun theres no reason to truly Live. u just float endlessly and experience and it aches so badly!!!! it hurts to want to want and not be able to. and i guess that is different from not wanting at all but... its not different enough for me to justify ever going back to that. or going forward to that. i just got this back and screw enlightenment if it means i have to give up on my passions i dont think life is worth living without it.

and anybody who looks down on that from a spiritual tower has yet to examine their own pride and how empty they feel without it.

anybody who looks down and smiles and wishes me luck on my journey? good for them. im glad theyre living their best life, on their journey as they see fit.

and i feel the need to protect myself because ive been hurt by the pride- the arrogance of others before. a lot of my hurts and traumas stem from my mother being too prideful to recognize that she can be wrong and someone under her power could be correct over her. and it was an uncomfortable truth. so she denied it was one at all and hurt me. i know the reason could be elaborated on. she didnt want to confront her own internal logic. or trauma. or even doublethink. that doesnt excuse her hurting a child for the sake of her sense of pride, of comfort, of self-worth. a child under her power, that she claimed to be parent of. teacher of.

not owing anyone anything is not the same as not hurting anyone. i havent reconciled that yet. oppressors should be held accountable for their mistakes, and give reparations if the harm is physical at LEAST. and i think that applies to politics, yes. privately though? if i beat up a nazi, i dont want to pay for his hospital bills. my personal philosophy struggles between equating people and ideas as a worth measurement, and realizing that that line of thinking is... similar to oppressors. but. its based on something people can change. the question is, do i think "if given the opportunity" is a good enough reason to stop and question a racist that runs their mouth? and do i think pre-emptive violence is okay? if say, a nazi walks into a bar and doesnt say anything but is wearing all the red flags and bells and whistles. i dont think that justifies a beatdown. being asked to leave, sure, but the beatdown doesnt start til the first remark flies.

once the intent is given OR the action is taken, the line is drawn. doesnt matter if they Havent Had The Chance. if theyre starting shit outside of debate spaces like that, and not, say, asking questions, theyre not looking for new perspectives, and it is NOT my job to educate people. its not my job to Show People The Light. a quick fucking google search could tell them why theyre wrong. if they havent put even the most basic energy into questioning their beliefs, thats on them.

it sounds like im trying to absolve myself of blame here. largely because. i think i should go out and help educate people because theyre inherently complacent if theyre, yknow, in a position of power. aka white folk and men and rich folk and cis folk and on and on and on. these people dont live my reality. they dont live the reality of a gay black man in the south, or a genderqueer lesbian in the west, or an indigenous woman whose nation is being targeted, or a muslim woman who cannot wear her headcoverings in the face of danger of death, or an asian immigrant who cant get a job because of COVD age discrimination resurging. we will never live each others realities, but we can become aware of them.

they wont come into awareness without someone asking or telling, and then doing something to change them.

we shouldnt need to go running to people in power for them to be aware of problems in the populace, govt is supposed to help and solve issues like this. like. actively. thats the whole point, make life better for the countrys citizens. and individuals in a position of social power...

are individuals who didnt take on a responsibility to protect and serve or otherwise care for the populace of a nation. i personally think they SHOULD care, but they are not obligated to. i cant make them care about others.

and honestly, on some of them, it would be a waste of time. there are people who want to change or question things and yknow what? they seek out answers. in people or places or online usually. stats and stories.

so like. i dont think someones Potential as a person matters when theres a throwdown about to happen. it really isnt my responsibility to save people from themselves or try to change their sides against their will. if they want to chat about it they can ask questions first.

not throw insults or punches or hatred.

what people have been taught is worth analyzing and trying to correct IN SOCIETY but i cant fix every broken white boy that comes to me. PSAs, fliers, outreach, online videos, debate spaces. those are things i already have access to and can be a part of if i really want to go around changing minds. or yknow. get involved in legislation and be myself around others to change their perceptions of whats socially acceptable or normal. maybe protest, maybe call congressfolk, etc.

but not every comment has to be analyzed or a learning opportunity. im allowed to shut it down, and people can respect that or stop talking to me. this isnt my parents house where i had to justify everything that i said or did when scrutinized, and doubly justify any criticism i had of mother, or any joke i frowned at instead of smiling.

these people dont have that power over me. they arent my mother. they arent my boss, and if they are i can fuck off and get a new job if necessary. they dont have financial control over my living space and food and schooling and physical control of where i can go and with who and for how long. I CONTROL THAT. I do.

Huh. maybe thats why i want a van so bad. i mean... when this lease ends if nobody is gonna end up living with me...

i could just... live in my car and shower at truck stops. get a storage unit for my stuff. save by driving jobs. like 40 to 60 a day. tear out my cars back, insulate it, and install my mattress pad there. water on the floor, cooler next to it, wooden cutting coard, knife, single camping plateware set, and another little shelf for spices. maybe a hot plate i can hook up to the car battery? get a long enough usb and it might be doable. i could go camping and open the trunk to just... vibe.

because yeah, honestly? i dont plan on having a solid apartment for a bit. like a long bit. and i still have like 70000 miles on my car before itll want to go. and by that point, even at like 100 miles a day, thats like 2 years, less if i go cross country in that vehicle. i could save up SO MUCH for a better vehicle, or like. college. live on campus, get some credit, continue working after i figure out want i want to do.

i think thats a solid plan, even if i dont get another apartment and put everything in storage. work as i need to instead of all the time for rent, really only paying for gas, car repairs, car ins, food, and phone data/hotspot internet... that would bring my monthly expenses down to like 500 a month max instead of like 1400. id only need to make some 1000 a month doing contract stuff to save for taxes and stuff. anything extra would be just that: extra for savings and things. holy shit.

depending on how this next month goes for my friends, holy s h i t.

i. i might do this. legitimately.

i. dont think i can yet. i need proof of address to get my license im pretty sure? but hey, thatll be my 21st this year, so. once i have that i wont need a new address for a While. i dont know if ill want one, really.

i could always just ask a friend or family member if i could use theirs for mail that cant go to a PO box.

anyway. yeah. wow.

[dream-critical]

I think it’s fair to say Dream doesn’t remember a one off joke here out of hours of streams or an edit he made out of the thousands he’s made and mass deleted. When people bring it up to him it’s usually two years later or more, so I get why he wouldn’t remember this very specific thing. But do you think he should just not say he doesn’t remember it if he doesn’t? Does it make the apology less genuine? And with the tommy thing, I don’t think he was saying the only uncomfortable thing is tommy saying he’s a minor. He directly states that that’s just something tommy did often when anything happened, which is true, and can make harmless jokes seem bad or uncomfortable or vice versa. Tommy does, or did, the “I’m literally a minor” joke a lot to everyone.

Ok so before I answer this i do want to say that this is the last time i’m replying to an ask like this, i have explained my opinion on why i think him forgetting it is bullshit like 4 times already but i guess i’ll try explaining it differently this time.  

Even if dream actually forgot, mentioning it does make the apology less sincere and genuine. Why you ask?  Bc it downplays the situation. Instead of saying “ hey im sorry i did make that and i apologize it wasnt ok” he goes “ Assuming its true im sorry”, which not only make the situation a lot more ambigious than it should be, because there’s literal irrefutable proof, but also makes his guilt deniable and dubious. 

It causes him to give up a bit of the responsibility and isnt owning up to your mistakes supposed to be actually admitting you made them in the first place?  According to him, he could’ve done it he could also be innocent, who knows, dream certainly doesn’t. And that mentality caused his stans to deny the fact that he made the edits for 2 days straight, claiming that the wayback machine is not a reliable source or trustable proof, which we all know is bullshit. 

On top of that anon, if i made a fucking violently racist video edit with the kkk in it and an osama bin laden “muslims are terrorists” kinda joke in there i sure as fuck wouldn’t forget it. The only way it could’ve been possible for him to not remember that specific video is if he made a lot of edits like that causing them to all blend together. So honestly that argument makes both you and him look worse. 

Also while i do not agree with what you said about the tommy thing even if i would take your argument at face value and just accept it, it still does not change that when dream was confronted about making sexual jokes directed at minors and aiding other adults in doing so (in this situation that adult being ninja) he diverted the attention, putting the spotlight on tommy when that apology should’ve been about dream. He put a minor in a position where they had to defend themself and in that process absolved himself of any blame. Tommy didnt respond but that doesn’t change dreams actions.

Not only that but he also just fucking lied. its incredibly obvious that tommy is uncomfortable in the moments he apologized for and wilbur of all people had to step in to defuse the situation.

A minor mentioning they're a minor when a sexual joke was directed at them is supposed to be uncomfortable. Like that's the whole point. It's supposed to snap you out of whatever haze you were in to actually do something like that and make you realize "oh shit I should stop".

TLDR; that literally doesnt change anything 

[oversought]

i think there's an appeal for certain people in writing 'problematic' (read: racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc.) characters & plot lines because it gives people an easy excuse to void themselves of responsibility for how writing those subjects poorly and in certain ways can hurt people. it gives them an easy shield to hide behind. it gives them an excuse not to reflect on their own beliefs and how they may be harmful. it gives them an excuse to be racist or homophobic or whatever else & say 'im not racist, my character is!' regardless of whether or not they themselves have done/said [insert harmful thing here]. 

it makes it really easy to detach themselves and excuse themselves from the table that is, say, racism for example when-- as im sure many will tell you-- you’re not. you’re not excused from the table just because you’ve proclaimed yourself “not a racist” and that sort of detachment is exactly the kind of mindset that allows people to let themselves get away with saying/doing racist things. it’s like when someone brings up how something someone has done is racist and they immediately say “im not racist”... writing problematic characters who are racist and saying “im not racist, my character is” makes it really hard for poc to approach you to say “hey this is racist” because ?? you’ve already established you don’t think you’re racist and you think yourself absolved of ever doing anything racist which isn’t how it works. this applies to all other issues here too regarding homophobia, transphobia, etc.

im sure this isn't the case for everyone, but it’s frequent enough that it has made a lot of us extremely cautious of writing with characters in the ‘problematic’ vein with regards to complex social issues like racism and homophobia. 

in my personal opinion, the rpc very much overuses 'ic =/= ooc' to the point it is less of a way of protecting the mun from people who might exploit them for their character and more of a way for the writer to excuse things they’ve written that are harmful. ic =/= ooc is for clarifying your views aren’t the same as your character’s, not for giving yourself a free pass to say and do harmful things or write things in inappropriate, oppressive ways. ic =/= ooc is not meant to be used to void yourself of responsibility for writing something harmful. you still wrote it, it still has impact... if someone is bringing attention to the harm it does then it's very well a possibility (and very likely) that it's because (even in a fictional setting from a fictional character) you've written something irresponsibly in ways that have genuine repercussions and are harmful. 

this is all not to mention how incredibly uninspired it is for the only 'problematic' things characters can be in the rpc is racist or homophobic or whatever else, it just lends itself to a lack of creativity and willingness to expand outside of writing things that in living memory are still actively hurting people and contributing to the still alive & well oppression of marginalized groups.

to be frank all of this goes especially to the people who are white/cis/straight writing racist/transphobic/homophobic characters !!! 

to expand more on that if you’re straight and writing a homophobic muse...  1) the chances of you harboring homophobic beliefs (conscious, unconscious or otherwise) are extremely high (straight people, and even us non-straight people, have been conditioned from day one to hate non-straight people, it is a facet of how our society raises us) and this is harmful when writing a muse who is actively homophobic because it detaches you from your own potentially homophobic beliefs and gives you a free pass to say “i’m not homophobic” even if you are  2) you’re absolutely guaranteed at some point to be playing against both muns and characters (the writer being most important here) who are not straight, in doing so you open up the potential to write harmful things in ways that are triggering for them or-- most frequently-- contributing to that marginalization in some way. this is especially true when by extension you refuse to recognize how you yourself could be homophobic, re: detachment.

so when you-- a straight person writing a homophobic muse-- have someone point out that “hey, this is really harmful to me as a gay person and you’ve written things in ways that contribute negatively”, and you jump to say “oh well, ic =/= ooc, it’s my character not me!” you have immediately dismissed the lived experiences of an actually gay person. it’s a covert form of tone policing. it’s a way of saying “well, you can’t distinguish ic from ooc so your concerns and criticisms aren’t valid.” and that’s the bottom line. 

this is exactly why im so personally hesitant to rp with characters written these ways. there are so many things you can add to a character to make them 'problematic'. i just feel like if your default with problematic muses is something to that ilk regarding racist, transphobic, etc. characters then i-- as someone who is impacted by many of those things personally-- have every right to be cautious & have criticisms of that. 

as i’ve already stated: it's very easy to use a 'problematic' character to excuse one's own problematic practices, beliefs, actions, etc. it's also very easy in an rp setting to sympathize with and excuse the actions of 'problematic' characters in ways that potentially are detrimental. 

i know for me that seeing people sympathize & excuse the actions of their heinously racist characters leaves a bad taste in my mouth. it sends a message to me that if you can forgive and excuse the awful actions of a fictional character, who's to say you won't jump to excuse the actions of a real life, flesh and blood racist whose actions have more clout? especially when people are already and actively doing that in the rpc... and i say this knowing full well ic isn't the same as ooc, but once again --- it's so easy to excuse your own harmful behaviors by hiding behind a 'problematic' muse that for a lot of people-- re: marginalized groups-- it becomes an issue of "is it safe for me to rp with this person?" or "are they willing to take responsibility if they write something inappropriate that hurts me?" or “do they really believe these things that actively harm me in my day to day life offline?” 

it’s really easy for people who aren’t impacted by those issues to detach themselves from their hand in those things when writing problematic muses of that variety. it’s easy to detach and say “i’m not racist, my character is” so when something comes up and you say something actually racist, you feel you’re void of that notion and that responsibility. it also contributes to this culture that the accusation of doing something harmful is worse than the harmful thing itself, when... no. it isn’t. 

also, just to clarify when i say 'hurt' and ‘harmful’ im 1000% not just referring to hurt feelings or discomforts, what i mean is: contributes invariably to concepts that marginalize and perpetuate oppressive ideologies in ways that genuinely [insert ist/phobic] people can easily latch onto to excuse their own thoughts and actions that are [insert ist/phobic here]. 

listen, i get the appeal of screaming "ic doesn't equal ooc!!", it gives you a free pass the levy the responsibility onto someone else (even fictional) and it gives you a free pass to pretend like you can never contribute to those things. i get it. it has appeal. but when marginalized groups especially are telling you you're writing things that hurt us and that is your immediate response it just displays  1) a lack of responsibility and accountability for things that you have written and things that you have done  2) a lack of understanding or care of how these complex issues even in regards to something as simple as rp can cause genuine harm and contribute to the lack of safety of certain peoples. 

it’s really not hard --- just take responsibility for what you've written when it hurts people on the level of ists/phobics & more importantly, respect that a lot of us aren't comfortable writing with your racist/homophobic/transphobic/etc. muses because many of us have seen first hand how people hide behind that in harmful ways. it's not rocket science.

the 'fiction isn't reality' narrative is false and harmful as well as creates this shield from anyone harmed by what you're writing in ways that prevent them from speaking out. it posits that those hurt by what you’ve said/done/written/believe/etc. are unreasonable and delusional somehow which just so happens to be the exact narrative violent racists, homophobes, etc. use to tarnish the seriousness with which marginalized groups are taken. 

more importantly however, i want to see people respect others who are made uncomfortable by these things --- and rightfully so. 

the people writing those topics are the first to jump to lament on about how people should respect their right to use violent racial slurs in their writing and write a violently racist character and to respect their right to do that, but god forbid people have valid criticisms and don’t want to associate with those things! let us be upset about these things, let us express our criticisms and concerns about these things, let us not associate with these things if we want. no matter what anyone says even if they’re actively trying to educate you can stop you from writing your shitty, uninspired racist muse, we can’t stop you. we know we can’t stop you. 

however, shutting down our voices when we speak up about something harmful is not ok. allowing us to have our criticisms without positing us as unreasonable or even delusional would just go a long way as far as progress goes. respect that those subjects might be things people don’t want to fuck with and let them be angry when things hurt them. cry typing a 12 paragraph long post about how ridiculous it is people don’t want to write with your violently racist character because they’re ‘problematic’ is a facet of tone policing and another part of why some of us don’t want to write with your violently racist character; we know how writers will use violently racist characters as an excuse for how they’re not racist even when they’re actively doing/saying racist things.

i’m not white, i’m not straight or cis, i’ve been through a lot of things related to those two aspects of myself. just as well, a lot of writers in this space are not white, cis, or straight... it’s heinously disrespectful and i’d say flat out abusive to assume that non-white, non-cis, non-straight writers are fine with writing against a character that is actively saying racist, transphobic, homophobic things when we are literally dealing with that offline already. 

please --- accept and respect that a lot of us have criticisms, valid criticisms at that, and a lot of us feel unsafe with regards to ‘problematic’ muses in the vein of racism, transphobia, homophobia, etc. and we especially feel unsafe and uncomfortable with the writers who refuse to take responsibility with these things & seek to void themselves of any hand in them. it happens so so much with writers of ‘problematic’ characters that i just can’t imagine our fears and discomforts and worries being in any way unreasonable. 

degrading us for that just completely foregoes any understanding of how racism works and you can claim to be so progressive and #Woke writing a racist character and understanding that he’s racist, but degrading writers of color for not wanting to write with your racist character is... well, what do you know, neither progressive nor respectful and is actually racist. 

my point is, there’s a lot of unpack regarding these types of characters and the people who tend to write them and more often than not it can contribute to a lack of safety for marginalized groups and facilitate harmful ideologies in the rpc.

just food for thought.

[sunfloewer]

june 5, 2017

im trying really hard again and i know it's not good enough and i know that a rule in DBT for emotional regulation is

like making sure ur physical needs are met

like that ur not in pain that ur not too cold/warm etc

and ill never have that luxury so it's so hard like when this source material that u use for therapy is there but it's also ableist

and so idk how to help myself in that regard and so i just feel like a really toxic person like even now ( and pls dont try to comfort me ) i know i've just been pouring out to people or talking to u and just going on and on and i know it's because i can't emotionally regulate

and i know that some of it isn't my fault but it doesnt mean it's not hurting people i care about

thats still my responsibility

i’m trying to force myself to write something more, to be more honest than i thought I had been, i know i’m a harsh critic but it doesn’t mean I’m wrong and that’s especially true when it comes to myself. 

i said this to a really wonderful friend today and it’s left me feeling hopeless, i started crying because i just don’t know what to do. my pain has made things worse for me in ways i can only try to describe and talk about, and it’s to the point where it’s shaped me into a person i’ve grown to despise. i don’t like who i am, i don’t like what i see, and i feel this so acutely but it’s so hard trying to deal with it. because there is no dealing with it, because there’s never any true pain relief. trying to confront or even actually move forward because of this. but like i also said it doesn’t absolve me from any responsibility, because no matter what no matter if i was delusional, anxious, psychotic, they were still my actions. 

i want so desperately to get better, to be better, to feel better. i don’t just want to numb things, and i know that i’m doing my best, my hardest, that i’m surviving but i don’t like it. what good is surviving if you can’t even look yourself in the mirror everyday and justify the means to an end? what good is it to say you survived but hurt the people you cared about most? if you can’t justify it if you can’t even live with yourself for it?

‘i survived but i paid for it’

i can’t live with myself most of the time, i don’t want to be around people in real life because i can’t stand for them to be exposed to me, i can’t trust myself, and some times  i cant tell whats real or not what’s true and whats not and im so scared. it all sound so dramatic and irrational and just extra but i can’t stop feeling this way. 

i don’t know how to feel better when the constant pain has become even more debilitating then usual, when the pain medication stopped working, when this has become my normal now, when the treatments that could literally save me, make me better, cost more money than i’ll ever have. so much of the time i don’t see a way out of this, or i do and it’s death. 

but i tell myself over and over again, the one thing that keeps me, that stops me, is that i don’t want my little brother to have that be part of his story. i dont want to hurt him that way. i don’t want him to have to say ‘well, my sister killed herself and since then ___ ‘. i don’t want that to be part of who he is. and i keep telling myself i have to hold onto that, that this pain is worth it for him, for the people i love most, that it has to be worth it that i have to get through it because of them. that i have to live with it because of them. 

sometimes, i think it’s cruel that my mom expects me to be okay to not want to end my life in such a clinical way, but i know that it’s not, it’s just the fact that i can’t see my own value enough to know that it would hurt other people. i often think about my own hurt because i’m so much in it all the time, i can’t remember a time in the last month or so that there wasn’t some sort of pain ringing in my ear. maybe i’ve had two good days. i wonder how that is supposed to be enough. 

i know i need to go outside of myself, but i just can’t. anyone who has a debilitating chronic illness with physical pain, if you can, i’m amazed by you. i’ve understood more than ever now why they torture people, put them in pain consistently to get them to crack. because after a while it does, it does break you, it leaves you so open and vulnerable and broken. i always hated using the word broken to describe anyone, but i’ve never felt more broken in my life. 

last night, i was in my room and i laughed to a video i saw. i then proceeded to tell myself, like a mantra, like a prayer, like a desperate plea that i WILL BE OKAY. it made me feel better and more assured, it did, but now here i am exhausted from my emotions, from the pain, from not being able to go do things because i physically can’t, to feeling like a toxic cancer to everyone i love that needs to be removed, because i can’t fucking see what anyone else sees in me. not anymore. not with the pain.

everytime i tell myself, maybe you’re just hiding behind the pain, maybe you’re using it to justify your depression, to justify not living, how you are and who’ve you become. i wonder if it’s just a delusion or if it’s real. maybe it’s both but i know this, so desperately, so deeply: 

i want to live but i can’t and that’s what makes me so drawn to death as a solution. i can’t live when all i’m doing is finding a way to get the pain down, when two hours later after doing EVERYTHING in my power to do so, it comes back so i have to start the process all over again and that seems to be my life. just constantly doing something to make the pain bearable, to make it so it’s only talking in my ear and not screaming in it. that, in itself, is so tiring and it doesn’t leave room for much. it doesn’t leave room for an actual life. and i used to have an actual life, a brilliant, active, meaningful, life. i know that now, maybe, i’m a wiser person, because of all the pain. i know i can recognize what the pain has given me positively, what these illnesses have done to me to make me more educated, but it doesnt outweight the pain i feel. not anymore.