#// i have a lot of thoughts so if you want clarification on anything just lmk | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

normal-thoughts-official · 1 year ago

Note

Thank you for replying and putting so much thought into your reply!

I'm gonna put the rest of my reply under the cut, in case you don't want to discuss this anymore. If you want me to delete, lmk and I will

I definitely understand your points. Just for the sake of clarification, though, I'd like to say I didn't mean to upload them anywhere public. My idea was more along the lines of saving the videos (probably in a hard drive) with the handle and having proof of who the account that posted them belonged to, in case we ever get the chance to hold these people accountable. And since most people who have been victims of this do not have the option to archive right now, and the perpretators could delete if they caught wind of there being people meaning to hold them accountable, I feel like it might not be something they could decide on until later

I definitely don't have any faith in the UN and the ~international community~ either, but I do believe that there will be some version of justice when Palestine is freed, and whichever form it takes, I think it's important to have means to hold as many people accountable as possible. The way I see it, these videos are already looming over the victims; they're public on TikTok and being reposted with thousands of likes. At least with archiving, there would be means for the victims to make a choice to use those to get justice, if they want. Otherwise, they're in the hands of the oppressors, you know? And if they want them gone, I'd definitely delete them. I just think that I'd like to have the option, if I had already been tortured and humiliated publicly, to weaponize the proof back

(Although, since this particular trend involves blindfolding, I'm not really sure how identifiable the victims are, because in practice a good chunk of their face is covered. But I really don't know anything about the subject to be able to tell either way. There's always the option of blurring their faces, as well)

I'm not saying I'm 100% correct and going to do it anyway either, I'm more trying to have a healthy discussion on what would be a good way to deal with this. I understand if you don't want to engage in a debate about this, too, as I know you have a lot on your plate. If you want me to shut up, or delete this, I will

Thanks again for replying

hi! I've seen you talking about archiving a few times and I wanted to ask:

how do you think we should go (if at all) with documenting israeli atrocities?

i am specifically thinking of that horrible trend on tiktok where IOF soldiers kidnap west bank palestinians, blindfold them, and force them to listen to that godawful kid's song. i feel like it's important to keep an archive of the people doing these things, because once palestine is free, they should be held accountable for their crimes

but I've seen your posts saying you worry about uploading that kind of content to archive.org, in case israelis use this to punish the palestinians in the video. so, im wondering if you have any idea of how we should go about keeping this kind of evidence - if you think we should keep it at all

thank you for replying. i know it's not worth much but im sending you love and strength. and I will do everything in my power to ensure palestine is freed

Hello, thanks for sending this in.

I'd suggest taking a look at this post (click) for more info about social media archiving. But I do want to let you know about some personal thoughts regarding those videos:

I'm honestly not sure (at least personally) if videos like that should be saved without explicit consent of the victims, mostly because they're visual accounts of Palestinians being humiliated and, frankly, just tortured for pure enjoyment. Archiving is a wonderful practice that can allow us to remember some things or hold people accountable to their crimes. But regarding these sorts of videos, I'm not sure saving them on our personal drive will be of much help in the long run, when there's videos of Gazans saying their last words being taken down — of course I am *not* suggesting we shouldn't save those videos at all. I'm also not a seasoned veteran archivist. But I can say, that I question for who those videos will most benefit in the long run. Will they be needed to hold the perpetrators accountable? I don't know, really. In what way would they be held accountable? Through international court? I have very little faith in the methods we've currently established to hold people accountable.

I cannot think of a reasonable way to hold them accountable that cannot just rely on the testimony of the Palestinians affected, the witnesses, and the proxy-witnesses (meaning us and people who view those videos) giving their accounts.

I'm not discouraging archiving these types of videos — I do think it's important to a certain level to archive them but I'm unsure of ways we can do that safely and respectfully so that the victims don't have to live with this looming over their heads for the rest of their lives. Again, though, if you receive permission from the victims themselves, I can't exactly disagree with any sort of archiving as long as they give the greenlight with everything you do. I feel like it (personally) is a better choice not to archive them.

SO really, this is just a long-winded way of me saying I don't know LOL. I've yet to reach a conclusion about this myself. I can only point you to resources of people who have been doing this much longer than I have, which WITNESS is pretty good. I can only ask you to do what you feel is right as a person who wants to fight for the safety and sanctity of each human being. Just so you know, I myself won't be archiving those videos. I know what they do to my people — we've been passing down stories for nearly a century now. I think leaving it in the control of Palestinians who are affected is probably the best course of action and the one I plan on taking.

#replies #I/P #social issues

43 notes · View notes

omegawolverine · 3 years ago

Note

I know you posted it days ago but you said something about wanting to rant about either karl or his fanbase and its been itching at my brain. Ive no clue whats happening or what is happening at all cause no one seems to be making clear points?? Or explaining anything?

Obviously you do NOT have to talk about it im sure it might be a sore point to rant because people can get SO needlessly rude to others over it. But if you want to idk explain? Just rant? Im definetly curious what it was over or about.

The "you dont need to talk about this" is amplified by the fact i am DAYS late and you are probably over it by now.

okay hi yes im happy to talk about this but i think i should preface with two things:

1) even tho it may seem like im biased towards him or being very defensive of him im actually a super casual karl viewer and the only reason i am super defensive of him sometimes is bc we act a lot alike irl and that is mainly because of our neurodivegency. when i say a lot i mean we share traits like "annoying" stimming (jumping around, making loud noises, repeating the same phrases until everyone is sick of hearing them), the difficulty reading situations, the very obvious issues with volume control and not just bouncing from subject to subject to subject as we fucking please. basically anything you've seen karl do on stream that is Very Neurodivergent ive done the same in my own way which is why i get defensive when i see people calling him annoying or saying they dont like him, usually for these types of reasons. that being said, when i say im a very casual karl viewer, i fucking mean it. i usually only watch him when he's streaming with other ccs i like or when he's doing chill alt streams bc even with the annoying donos, he's pretty relaxing and comforting when he's just fucking around by himself and he isnt trying to get as hype as he would on a main channel stream. so yeah, it may seem like im biased and sure, i guess i am on some level, but it's not coming from a place of me hyperfixating on him or me even loving him as a cc, it's coming from me being a neurodivergent who likes him just enough to get upset when i see people basically being casually ableist towards him.

2) i dont have all the facts or even a great understanding on what the fuck has been happening recently with his "drama"...mostly bc he talked about it on his priv, which im not on, and people are gatekeeping the tweets, as they always do, and basically making you "dm to see them" (which is already a problem in and of itself bc apparently in these tweets he said he didnt want them being ss and shared, yet they are being shared thru dms over and over and over again like. at that point just stop withholding the information and post the fucking shit, you clearly dont care that he said "dont share"). additionally, most of the threads ive seen on this situation havent actually explained the initial issue, just talked about his apology (a lot of people have said "it's bad" but havent said why and with no screenshots ((i havent asked for someone to dm me them and i still havent seen them posted, which is mildly surprising, but incredibly frustrating at this point)), i only have a few basic details i can actually assess it on) or they talked about the initial issue in very vague details so um. excuse me trying to explain this now, but ill try and make it make sense with how little ive actually pieced together.

(oh, also, here's my first rant about the ableism in this fandom which is way more broad. this is a pretty different rant from that one, but they're both pretty big reasons why i hate this fandoms treatment of karl)

so basically the problems started with mr beast being apart of a charity stream that donated either to autism speaks or to a similar company, im unsure on that part. im also unsure on if the people participating in the stream actually knew of this or not bc, from what i remember, the money was being donated to a separate organization that was like. under the bad company or some shit like that, idk how stuff like that works and also i read about this shit months ago bc this originally happened months ago and just sorta came to a head recently.

anyways, i think karl was supposed to be apart of this stream but pulled out of it right before (that or these were two separate streams and karl was supposed to participate in the first but pulled out while mr beast did both?? idk. regardless karl did not actually participate, just mr beast). from there people started doing the guilt from association bullshit they always do, this was also doubled by the fact that the chris being racist stuff came out sometime around then and basically he got dragged all over twitter for "being ableist" and "supporting racists" and i cant remember if he actually apologized when this originally happened or not. i vaguely remember him apologizing about something back then but i genuinely dont know if it was this or something else.

basically that died down eventually, a good chunk of people unstanned him but him and honktwt didnt end up getting the lovely lil technotwt treatment and they still havent yet, surprisingly. good for them honestly ajsksk

but now we get to the past few weeks and apparently something happened with him "laughing at someone saying the r slur" (it was mizkif, i believe), specifically when it was directed at other people, which is a big yikes, obviously, but when karl was called out for this a lot of people kind of. made this into a situation that it wasnt bc um. basically karl didnt laugh at it, he gave a few nervous giggles, as people often do when in a situation like that (and karl specifically said he does this in the one part of his apology tweet which i did stumble upon, although it wasnt the important part of the apology thread bc why would it be) and people fucking crucified him for it. they quite literally dragged a neurodivergent man for supposedly "laughing at the r slur" when he can literally reclaim it and also he was just nervous laughing.

and this is where the situation just gets really bad because they. basically forced him to admit that he was autistic on his priv to apologize for this. i havent seen the screenshots of him saying this, but i saw people discussing it and i am frankly so fucking pissed about this because sure, it was a bad situation, and i understand people wanting an explanation, but an apology? for a neurodivergent man nervous laughing at a slur he can reclaim? and then forcing the man to admit something he literally said in that tweet he didnt want people to know which is why people were being so gatekeepy about it while also LOUDLY discussing the situation, as if that wouldnt drive MORE PEOPLE to look for screenshots and ways to get ahold of this information? and then people had the audacity to call it a "bad apology" when they had quite literally just violated his privacy by forcing him to admit something that he shouldnt have needed to share in the first place if he didnt want to, which he didnt.

and this is why im so pissed off. karl is already constantly picked at and made fun of and called annoying for his neurodivergent traits, things which he literally cant help, things which are generally harmless, and now he was forced into a situation where he can now be further picked at and made fun of and called annoying bc they forced him to admit something private instead of just understanding and accepting that he had been nervous laughing at someone using a slur he has definetly been called for his neurodivergency.

tldr of my thoughts: yes i think karl needed to address this situation, it definetly looked bad, but twitter stans have this sense of entitlement with their ccs and because of that, they consistently take it way too far and harm the people they claim to care about so dearly. we've seen it happen time and time again with dream, but this is the first time ive seen them basically force someone to out themselves to make their apology "valid" and most of them still seem to not want to accept it anyways, which just makes me feel bad for him bc now that info is out their and people are just disregarding it to continue "holding him accountable".

anyways, i think that's all i can really say on this topic rn tbh, if anyone else knows this situation better please feel free to lmk clarifications and ill add them in since, like i said, i know fuck all thanks to twitter being so goddamn hush hush about the important details while simultaneously being the loudest mfers about how much they hate karl now instead of just fucking unfollowing and moving on.

thanks for the ask and im sorry if this is confusing!! i just think this is one of those weird situations where like. i think karl deserved some criticism for what happened and how he handled it or at least he shouldve been asked to address it but that just. isnt what happened, at all. he was harrassed. karl got harrassed and because of that he handled this situation even more sloppily than he probably wouldve and exposed private info about himself that he didnt feel comfortable doing and it just. fucking sucks tbh.

#shit self #asks #karl jacobs #discourse #fandom critical #mcyt fandom critical #dsmp fandom critical #ask to tag #ableism #only reason im even saying what he said in those tweets is bc this situation literally makes no sense otherwise and basically everyone on #twt already fucking exposed this shit to people in and outside the fandom by bitching #long post #bangerz

21 notes · View notes

clockworkouroboros · 5 years ago

Text

I’m in a The Amazing Devil Discord server and have been going wild with crazy insane theories about just about everything, drawing connections that probably don’t actually exist, and generally losing my mind over both Love Run and The Horror and the Wild. That being said, I do have a theory about THatW that, if it’s not true, at least merits me a tinfoil hat, I think. Just be warned, this post will be long, and yes, I will include receipts.

So here’s this theory and Joey, if you read this, just know that I’m impressed either at how much thought was put into this, or the sheer number of coincidences that make this work if it wasn’t planned. It’s turned me into a conspiracy theorist for the past four days or so? And it’s severely affected the amount of sleep I’ve been getting.

My basic theory here is that Joey and Madeleine aren’t singing as themselves throughout this album, they’re playing characters, and those characters are old gods. Joey is the Wild, Madeleine is Time. (Alternatively, she’s Horror, fitting with the album title, but as she’s never explicitly referred to as such, I’m not insisting on that point.)

Now, where am I getting this silly idea from? None other than the title track, of course, in which Joey sings, “witness me, old man, I am the Wild, and Madeleine sings, “And I am Time itself.” And yes, they are both capitalized like that in the lyrics.

So they explicitly refer to themselves as such. But Emily, you might be saying (or not, depending on how much you care), that’s one song! This is hardly an album’s worth of proof! Sure, they might be gods in this song, but what about the other eight? To which I say, hoo boy, I’m just getting started.

Before I continue, I’d like to add something about how their characters are depicted throughout the album: Joey is more cheerful, Madeleine is not. (see: Wild Blue Yonder, Marbles, Battle Cries.) Joey is whimsical, Madeleine is practical. (See Battle Cries especially, but you can also see this in Wild Blue Yonder.) Madeleine is referred to multiple times as being stronger than Joey, and appears to assume a more protective role over Joey’s childlike. This fits in with my theory, by the way, in a roundabout sort of way that involves some squinting. Joey is the Wild, which is...well, wild. Think of little kids: cheerful, whimsical, in need of protection. Madeleine is Time. She knows what has been, what is, and what will be. Of course she’s going to be more mature, practical, and pessimistic.

And why is this important? Well, it’s kind of how I’m tying together a lot of the rest of the album. (Not all of it; Farewell Wanderlust is a notable outlier in many ways, and some of my connections are tenuous at best, but we’re going to ignore that and pretend it’s all rock-solid. Rockrose-solid. I’m sorry, I’m very tired.) I’m ignoring The Rockrose and the Thistle a little bit in this post, not because I dislike it (it’s gorgeous), but because it’s stubbornly eluding my attempts to tie it into anything other than Elsa’s Song, which isn’t even part of this album.

The vast majority of what you need to know about these two characters is in The Horror and the Wild (the song), so I’m gonna copy/paste some lyrics, and go through them. (Actually, the copy/pasting is nonexistent, these lyrics are imprinted on my brain at this point. That being said, if there are errors, lmk and I will edit the post and fix them!)

So we’ve got Madeleine starting, singing about Joey, with “You were raised by wolves and voices, every night I hear them howling deep beneath your bed, they said it all comes down to you.” Aside from the fact that I have no clue why “it all” comes down to Joey, or anything with that last bit, maybe a few more late nights with a tinfoil hat will do the trick. That being said, the first line of the song references childhood specifically in relation to Joey. Notice also how wolves are referenced in Wild Blue Yonder (“we don’t know what’s out there/could be wolves”) and That Unwanted Animal (“‘What’s the time, Mr. Wolf,’ but you, you’re blind, you bleat, you bear your claws”). The whole “howling” thing and “deep beneath your bed” both pop up in That Unwanted Animal, too: “and on the wind it howls,” for one. And for the other, there’s “you [presumably Joey] make the bed up silent on the floor so no one hears us,” later followed later in the song by “and the door below us splinters, and the creature creeps inside.”

Following this, Joey sings about Madeleine: “you’re the daughter of silent watching stones, you watch the stars hurl all their fundaments, in wonderment at you and yours, forever asking more.” First of all, I’m gonna say that this is Joey’s point of view; later on, Madeleine will refute the daughter thing (“I’m not a drunkard, a daughter, a preacher”.) Anyway, “silent watching stones” could reference Wild Blue Yonder: “every stone you threw, I stood on to better see the view.” The view being the stars hurling all their fundaments?

(Incidentally, I knew vaguely what “fundament” meant, but I looked it up to make sure I had it right, and learned that, among its other meanings, “fundament” can mean “butt.” But I don’t think that’s what Joey had in mind with this. I just think y’all should appreciate it.)

Anyway, we’ve also got in Battle Cries, “With you I could summon the gods and the stars, make them dance out the plays that we wrote from the heart, and we’d laugh at the ghosts of our fears,” with Madeleine singing, “Come on, love, please don’t start, sing your notes play your part,” and then the part that gets me every time: M: “we were gods,” J: “we were kids.” Which is a whole other can of worms involving their personalities, which I’ve already briefly outlined. My point is the whole “gods and the stars” bit.

I could (and have, on Discord) done a full, in-depth analysis of this track, and I don’t want to go all over it again, but “I promise you, they’ll sing of every Time you passed your fingers through my hair and called me child, witness me, old man, I am the Wild” has both Time and Wild as proper nouns in the lyrics, plus reinforces Time’s view of the Wild as a child. No clue who the old man is, though.

In verse two, Madeleine sings, “you [Joey] are the son of every dressing-up box, and I am Time itself, I slow and let you play, I steal the hours, and turn the night into day.” Again, this reinforces Joey’s childlike aspects (which will later be hinted at in That Unwanted Animal, with the “god-child,” who’s clearly Joey), but also shows, as in the refrain, the fact that Time has a sense of protectiveness over the Wild, at least sometimes.

That being said, although I’ve obviously referenced other songs, I still have mostly focused on the title track. So. I’m going to go through some of the other songs real quick.

The songs on the album (again, excepting Rockrose, because my attempts to tie it in have been frustrating and not gone anywhere, Mr. Batey please explain) can be grouped into categories: songs outright referencing gods (THatW, Farewell Wanderlust, That Unwanted Animal, Battle Cries), songs about their relationship, (arguably all of them, although Welly Boots is a bit confusing), and songs that refuse to allow me to classify them (Rockrose).

I would argue that this entire album is about the relationship of two old gods, but I’m not quite sure what the chronology is of the album, because it seems like it can’t be straightforward. (Farewell Wanderlust, although its placement makes sense in the setup of the album, doesn’t make sense in the chronology of this theory.) Another important note in some way is that every song on the album, with the exception of Farewell Wanderlust, is about being there for someone, or steadfastness in some capacity, while Farewell Wanderlust is about abandonment. It’s an outlier in a lot of ways. (Though not as many ways as frickin Rockrose.)

I have been talking about this at great length (and almost incessantly) on Discord, so unless you want this post to get even longer, I’m going to run by some lyrics real quick to try and show a little bit my thought process.

- “He watches her get dressed as though she’s hurtling through time” (Fair)

- “And she is stronger than he has ever been, he knows” (Fair) versus “Without you, I’m stronger, I’m no longer filled with wonder. How wrong you were” (Wild Blue Yonder, Welly Boots)

- J: “Place your hand in mine” M: “Hold the hand of the god-child, they said, as he falls from the sky” (That Unwanted Animal)

- “I’m the saint of the paint that was left in the pot, I’m your angel ellipsis, your devil of dots” (Farewell Wanderlust)

- “the fluttering of all your wings” (The Horror and the Wild) versus “when you think about him, my wings start to flap” (Farewell Wanderlust)

- “come, devil, come, she sang, call out my name. Let’s take this outside, ‘cos we’re one and the same. Our gods have abandoned us, left us, instead, take up arms, take my hand, let us waltz for the dead” (Farewell Wanderlust)

There are even more lyrics, and I’m going to be completely honest with you, I’ve gone totally insane with all of this, but this post is way too long already, so just let me know if you want any clarification or something.

Tldr: The Amazing Devil’s album The Horror and the Wild is about two old gods, one being Time, and the other being the Wild, or the god-child. The album is primarily about their relationship and steadfastness they show each other, even in tumultuous circumstances.

Now go excuse me while I attempt to take off this tinfoil hat that appears to be stuck on my head.

#music #the amazing devil #joey batey #madeleine hyland #the horror and the wild #long post #i’m...so sorry #i needed some sort of record #because enough conversation has passed on discord that those posts are now lost to time #anyway here y’all go #man joey if you read this pls don’t judge me too hard

449 notes · View notes

oversought · 7 years ago

Text

i think there's an appeal for certain people in writing 'problematic' (read: racist, homophobic, transphobic, etc.) characters & plot lines because it gives people an easy excuse to void themselves of responsibility for how writing those subjects poorly and in certain ways can hurt people. it gives them an easy shield to hide behind. it gives them an excuse not to reflect on their own beliefs and how they may be harmful. it gives them an excuse to be racist or homophobic or whatever else & say 'im not racist, my character is!' regardless of whether or not they themselves have done/said [insert harmful thing here].

it makes it really easy to detach themselves and excuse themselves from the table that is, say, racism for example when-- as im sure many will tell you-- you’re not. you’re not excused from the table just because you’ve proclaimed yourself “not a racist” and that sort of detachment is exactly the kind of mindset that allows people to let themselves get away with saying/doing racist things. it’s like when someone brings up how something someone has done is racist and they immediately say “im not racist”... writing problematic characters who are racist and saying “im not racist, my character is” makes it really hard for poc to approach you to say “hey this is racist” because ?? you’ve already established you don’t think you’re racist and you think yourself absolved of ever doing anything racist which isn’t how it works. this applies to all other issues here too regarding homophobia, transphobia, etc.

im sure this isn't the case for everyone, but it’s frequent enough that it has made a lot of us extremely cautious of writing with characters in the ‘problematic’ vein with regards to complex social issues like racism and homophobia.

in my personal opinion, the rpc very much overuses 'ic =/= ooc' to the point it is less of a way of protecting the mun from people who might exploit them for their character and more of a way for the writer to excuse things they’ve written that are harmful. ic =/= ooc is for clarifying your views aren’t the same as your character’s, not for giving yourself a free pass to say and do harmful things or write things in inappropriate, oppressive ways. ic =/= ooc is not meant to be used to void yourself of responsibility for writing something harmful. you still wrote it, it still has impact... if someone is bringing attention to the harm it does then it's very well a possibility (and very likely) that it's because (even in a fictional setting from a fictional character) you've written something irresponsibly in ways that have genuine repercussions and are harmful.

this is all not to mention how incredibly uninspired it is for the only 'problematic' things characters can be in the rpc is racist or homophobic or whatever else, it just lends itself to a lack of creativity and willingness to expand outside of writing things that in living memory are still actively hurting people and contributing to the still alive & well oppression of marginalized groups.

to be frank all of this goes especially to the people who are white/cis/straight writing racist/transphobic/homophobic characters !!!

to expand more on that if you’re straight and writing a homophobic muse... 1) the chances of you harboring homophobic beliefs (conscious, unconscious or otherwise) are extremely high (straight people, and even us non-straight people, have been conditioned from day one to hate non-straight people, it is a facet of how our society raises us) and this is harmful when writing a muse who is actively homophobic because it detaches you from your own potentially homophobic beliefs and gives you a free pass to say “i’m not homophobic” even if you are 2) you’re absolutely guaranteed at some point to be playing against both muns and characters (the writer being most important here) who are not straight, in doing so you open up the potential to write harmful things in ways that are triggering for them or-- most frequently-- contributing to that marginalization in some way. this is especially true when by extension you refuse to recognize how you yourself could be homophobic, re: detachment.

so when you-- a straight person writing a homophobic muse-- have someone point out that “hey, this is really harmful to me as a gay person and you’ve written things in ways that contribute negatively”, and you jump to say “oh well, ic =/= ooc, it’s my character not me!” you have immediately dismissed the lived experiences of an actually gay person. it’s a covert form of tone policing. it’s a way of saying “well, you can’t distinguish ic from ooc so your concerns and criticisms aren’t valid.” and that’s the bottom line.

this is exactly why im so personally hesitant to rp with characters written these ways. there are so many things you can add to a character to make them 'problematic'. i just feel like if your default with problematic muses is something to that ilk regarding racist, transphobic, etc. characters then i-- as someone who is impacted by many of those things personally-- have every right to be cautious & have criticisms of that.

as i’ve already stated: it's very easy to use a 'problematic' character to excuse one's own problematic practices, beliefs, actions, etc. it's also very easy in an rp setting to sympathize with and excuse the actions of 'problematic' characters in ways that potentially are detrimental.

i know for me that seeing people sympathize & excuse the actions of their heinously racist characters leaves a bad taste in my mouth. it sends a message to me that if you can forgive and excuse the awful actions of a fictional character, who's to say you won't jump to excuse the actions of a real life, flesh and blood racist whose actions have more clout? especially when people are already and actively doing that in the rpc... and i say this knowing full well ic isn't the same as ooc, but once again --- it's so easy to excuse your own harmful behaviors by hiding behind a 'problematic' muse that for a lot of people-- re: marginalized groups-- it becomes an issue of "is it safe for me to rp with this person?" or "are they willing to take responsibility if they write something inappropriate that hurts me?" or “do they really believe these things that actively harm me in my day to day life offline?”

it’s really easy for people who aren’t impacted by those issues to detach themselves from their hand in those things when writing problematic muses of that variety. it’s easy to detach and say “i’m not racist, my character is” so when something comes up and you say something actually racist, you feel you’re void of that notion and that responsibility. it also contributes to this culture that the accusation of doing something harmful is worse than the harmful thing itself, when... no. it isn’t.

also, just to clarify when i say 'hurt' and ‘harmful’ im 1000% not just referring to hurt feelings or discomforts, what i mean is: contributes invariably to concepts that marginalize and perpetuate oppressive ideologies in ways that genuinely [insert ist/phobic] people can easily latch onto to excuse their own thoughts and actions that are [insert ist/phobic here].

listen, i get the appeal of screaming "ic doesn't equal ooc!!", it gives you a free pass the levy the responsibility onto someone else (even fictional) and it gives you a free pass to pretend like you can never contribute to those things. i get it. it has appeal. but when marginalized groups especially are telling you you're writing things that hurt us and that is your immediate response it just displays 1) a lack of responsibility and accountability for things that you have written and things that you have done 2) a lack of understanding or care of how these complex issues even in regards to something as simple as rp can cause genuine harm and contribute to the lack of safety of certain peoples.

it’s really not hard --- just take responsibility for what you've written when it hurts people on the level of ists/phobics & more importantly, respect that a lot of us aren't comfortable writing with your racist/homophobic/transphobic/etc. muses because many of us have seen first hand how people hide behind that in harmful ways. it's not rocket science.

the 'fiction isn't reality' narrative is false and harmful as well as creates this shield from anyone harmed by what you're writing in ways that prevent them from speaking out. it posits that those hurt by what you’ve said/done/written/believe/etc. are unreasonable and delusional somehow which just so happens to be the exact narrative violent racists, homophobes, etc. use to tarnish the seriousness with which marginalized groups are taken.

more importantly however, i want to see people respect others who are made uncomfortable by these things --- and rightfully so.

the people writing those topics are the first to jump to lament on about how people should respect their right to use violent racial slurs in their writing and write a violently racist character and to respect their right to do that, but god forbid people have valid criticisms and don’t want to associate with those things! let us be upset about these things, let us express our criticisms and concerns about these things, let us not associate with these things if we want. no matter what anyone says even if they’re actively trying to educate you can stop you from writing your shitty, uninspired racist muse, we can’t stop you. we know we can’t stop you.

however, shutting down our voices when we speak up about something harmful is not ok. allowing us to have our criticisms without positing us as unreasonable or even delusional would just go a long way as far as progress goes. respect that those subjects might be things people don’t want to fuck with and let them be angry when things hurt them. cry typing a 12 paragraph long post about how ridiculous it is people don’t want to write with your violently racist character because they’re ‘problematic’ is a facet of tone policing and another part of why some of us don’t want to write with your violently racist character; we know how writers will use violently racist characters as an excuse for how they’re not racist even when they’re actively doing/saying racist things.

i’m not white, i’m not straight or cis, i’ve been through a lot of things related to those two aspects of myself. just as well, a lot of writers in this space are not white, cis, or straight... it’s heinously disrespectful and i’d say flat out abusive to assume that non-white, non-cis, non-straight writers are fine with writing against a character that is actively saying racist, transphobic, homophobic things when we are literally dealing with that offline already.

please --- accept and respect that a lot of us have criticisms, valid criticisms at that, and a lot of us feel unsafe with regards to ‘problematic’ muses in the vein of racism, transphobia, homophobia, etc. and we especially feel unsafe and uncomfortable with the writers who refuse to take responsibility with these things & seek to void themselves of any hand in them. it happens so so much with writers of ‘problematic’ characters that i just can’t imagine our fears and discomforts and worries being in any way unreasonable.

degrading us for that just completely foregoes any understanding of how racism works and you can claim to be so progressive and #Woke writing a racist character and understanding that he’s racist, but degrading writers of color for not wanting to write with your racist character is... well, what do you know, neither progressive nor respectful and is actually racist.

my point is, there’s a lot of unpack regarding these types of characters and the people who tend to write them and more often than not it can contribute to a lack of safety for marginalized groups and facilitate harmful ideologies in the rpc.

just food for thought.

#⟨⟨ ᵍᵒᶰᶰᵃ ᵖᵘᵗ ᵃ ˢᵖᵉᶫᶫ ᵒᶰ ʸᵒᵘ ⟩⟩ ─ ooc.#// will i delete this later?? will i not??? who knows!#// anyway i just wanted to put this out here i've been sitting on this for a while #// it's hefty and very long so be warned #// if you read it and think ''wow i should respond!'' make sure you have read ALL OF IT because.................. i address just about ?#// 90% of the questions people have regarding this subject #// anyway im just. tired? lmao #// i am very uncomfortable with a this and ... well ? it's .. Everywhere in the rpc #// it's practically the foundation of tumblr rpc culture if im being honest #// and this is just something that's been bugging me #// nothing specific made me think of this? nothing Big happened. i just have a lot of thoughts and have seen things here and there #// a LOT of things in a general scope (not really people i follow) and it made me think of things #// i actually thought of this last night and made a draft of it agshdfkjg #// i have a lot of thoughts so if you want clarification on anything just lmk #negativity cw #// not really ?? but idk what to tag #// also once again !! this post is NOT about anyone specific but ....... if the shoe fits .... im just sayin #ask to tag /#long post for ts #long post #// rip mobile users i ranted for like 134567 paragraphs

8 notes · View notes

staycatcher · 5 years ago

Text

Anguish 001- Anguish

“Out of genuine free will, I, Lee Minho, exercise the divine right to reject my sacredly designed soulmate.”

Member: Lee Minho / Lee Know x Femme Reader (she / her)

Au: Frat Boi! Minho + Rejected Soulmate AU

Genre: Angst (some comedy?,, this series is gonna be angsty because of the whole ‘rejected soulmate’ thing)

Rated T for a whole lotta swearing, a frat party, crowds, usage of alcohol and mentions of drugs, intensity, reader is a bit socially anxious (please lmk if any other warnings are needed!💞🥺)

Word Count: 4k & manually double spaced between words & paragraphs for ease of reading!!!!🥵🤠🥰

Note: this is dedicated to @trixareforlix, they’re the first-ever friend I made on here and they’re the one who sparked this frat au idea!! Ilysm always angel!!<33

Edited: 201015 (Original: 190813 )

Anguish series 1/?- ~001~, 002

The anticipated day where you’d become magnetized, the world around you becoming a blur, your heart falling into perfect sync with the one destined for you truly… was not like that at all, actually! No, the stars were cruel to you, perhaps you did something awful in your past life to deserve this, but maybe what is more likely is that your soulmate’s just an asshole. After all, one’s soulmate was the complete opposite of one’s self. Soulmates were the yin to one’s yang and vice versa and all that. To keep one balanced, or whatever.

Now, you aren’t the angel everyone may claim you to be. You weren’t angelic, not at all. Eating ice cream for breakfast was not above you. Your nail polish was perpetually chipped. You couldn’t stand to keep your hair in the same style for too long; chopping it all off or seeing how long it could grow, dying it as bright as you could, and everything in between. You adorned yourself with two or three more piercings than your parents could get behind, bless them, you’re beginning to have trouble hiding your new tattoo. Habitually, you were sensitive, soft, a bit emotional, and tended to be a bit of a smartass. You weren’t blessed with physical grace, ceaselessly tripping over yourself, spilling and knocking over anything in your path, and dancing out of beat to blasted songs.

More often than not, you would go to bed later than planned. Tonight was one of those nights, but it was not because of your natural preference. You were not too figuratively dragged into this by someone who held the title of your best friend, someone whom you were currently thinking of ways of revoking that title from.

“C’mon, dummy! We’re almost there!” Jamie elbowed you, her eyes crinkled in laughter, whacking you on the back a bit too hard.

“Jamie, I must’ve forgotten, but why’re you even dragging me to this frat party again? Why not just go to your sorority instead?” You groaned, your two left feet were dragging behind you on the aged sidewalk, your fake Doc Martens feeling like cinder blocks.

“‘Cause Chris invited me and he’s being a little bitch about it because I keep canceling on ‘im! He keeps saying that my soulmate might be there!” She reminded you for the umpteenth time, rolling her head and eyes back in frustration, sighing before continuing. “And now it’s like- I might as well try and see! I mean, come on!~ I’m starting to think he’s right!” And for the umpteenth time today, you question why she’s falling for this. She’s sharper than this. But for some reason, just this once, she found a way to shoehorn Chris’s dumbassery to logic.

In reality, you could meet your soulmate at any time or place, so to say that one's soulmate might be there is like saying it might rain. Sure, it might. But it also can rain in any season so you can’t be wrong with saying that it might. It doesn’t always rain every day, all the time, so it also isn’t that likely. Rain depends on a lot more factors. But right now, you’re a little buzzed, so it sounded pretty sound.

“So he knows your soulmate?”

“I’d hope so! If not, I’d rip his bleached hay-hair right out of his thick skull!” Now, this is the Jamie you knew and loved, you couldn't help the endeared smile on your face. “When we could’ve been eating takeout and watching a musical-“

“So which frat are we going to again?” You had to interrupt her for her sake. Takeout and a movie would always remain superior to parties in your mind and you already didn’t want to be accompanying her to a frat house.

“Hmm… It’s like- uh... Signal kite zing- wait no- hold on-“

You guys must be tipsier from the pregaming than you thought. “Sigma? ‘Signal’ isn’t greek, I think you mean sigma! And ‘kite’ isn-”

“Right, whatever! Anyways, the abbreviation is SKZ-“

“Ohhh! We’re friends with some of them- We’re like best friends with Chris!! Why didn’t you say it was Chris’s frat in the first place?” Your laugh projecting out of you unattractively with claps and swings of limbs which led to slapping a little too hard at Jamie's shoulder. This clarification did make you feel a bit better. This wasn’t a shitty fraternity you didn’t know, this was a shitty fraternity you inevitably tolerated since you knew and even approved of some of its members!

SKZ was home to a hodgepodge of eight brothers who were pretty individual as far as frat dudes go. Some of which you were genuinely fond of, like Chris, or simply acquainted with, like Jisung, whom you shared a major and program with. Others, you couldn’t even remember the names of or who they are in general. It’s also the smallest frat on campus, so they try to get as many people to come to events as possible, which is honestly exhausting as a concept to your introverted self. Thus, you’ve never actually attended one of theirs until now, now that Jamie is dragging you along with her.

“Ow! I don’t know!~ I thought you were smart enough to figure it out when I mentioned Chris!” She teased, making the two of you laugh harder, you couldn’t defend yourself on that one. The two of you just continued your idiotic banter the rest of the way to the Sigma Kappa Zeta house aka the SKZ frat.

The walk to SKZ’s lair was a bit much, more than you and Jamie bargained for. You were so kindly carrying her platforms for her until she’ll put them back on again, only for you to probably end up kindly carrying them again later tonight. The cool breeze of the September night helped with the humidity and sweat, and the sun beautifully set, leaving a delicate lilac color in its wake which was becoming darker and darker the further you walked. The hazy streetlights added to the whimsy atmosphere, yet to be ruined with the sound of an intolerable amount of bass and the overbearing smell of beer and weed when the two of you arrived on site.

“Okay, I’m pretty sure it’s this house!” Jamie halted her steps, turning towards you, her hair swaying along with the belled sleeves of her mesh turtleneck she had under her dress. The two of you really dolled yourselves up for the night, her hair was perfect, your hair was perfect, outside was perfect, and it brought you sobering back to the not-so-perfect earth. The idea of going inside a suffocating, putrid house majorly crowded with drunk and hormonal peers... was not appealing to you in the least.

“Yup, and now it’s time to turn back around!” You quipped, ensnaring her arm with your empty one, about to steer the two of you in a three-point-turn. This was your final chance at getting out of your predicament, and now that you’re here you regret playing along. Sadly, Jamie was just as stubborn as you, and your turn around was met with a roadblock.

“Oh my god, Y/n, you’re joking! We walked the whole ass way here!” She got out in between puffs of airy frustration, her socked heels digging into the ground as you attempted, gracelessly, to steer the two of you around.

“Okay, okay, fine. We did come all this way and now our drinks’ve worn off.” You acknowledged with an irritated huff. “Okay- how about we go in and get some drinks, and then we’ll leave?!” Your pitch going up with each word of your attempt to negotiate before forcing out a chuckle, your laugh did its best to hide the fact that your body was beginning to stick with sweat and anxiety.

“No, ‘and then’ we’ll find Chris to hook me up!” She playfully fought back but it was hard to take her seriously, or yourself, with how the two of you were laughing, hers genuine, yours not so much.

“Jesus Christ, you really are set on this ‘finding your soulmate’ thing.” You breathed. As much as you hated social gatherings, you loved your best friend much, much more, therefore you were willing to be won over in the name of friendship. Though, she would owe you for this! Fortunately for her, food and drink is fair trade in you and your wallet’s eyes.

“I’m lonely, okay! I’d prefer winning the lottery but this is the next best thing!” Jamie, as per usual, brought the two you back right to laughter instantly. She had her mind made up. Plus, with you giggling it made it all the easier for her to haul the both of you right up the steps of the SKZ Frat House stairs.

Once in, Jamie stuck close to your side, literally, but not that she had the natural choice or much of an alternative; this place was packed to the gills! Jumping up on her now platform clad feet, looking for anyone she recognized or any signs of Chris, while you led the two of you, hopefully, to a kitchen. You were practically kicking yourself each step of the way as you shoved your way through the crowd. The air was stuffy and possibly even toxic, to say the least. The scent is much more foul than last you remember, pungent with alcohol, sweat, cigarettes, weed, hints of puke, and dashes of all sorts of pheromones. Despite the few times you’ve smelled this scent, it never failed to make you wish you didn’t leave your safe, sanitary bed.

There’s jabbing elbows and flailing parts of strangers everywhere that had to be watched out and dodged for, sloshing cups, sometimes drunken flirtatious hands grabbing at you, not at all fazed by the pretty companion you had your elbow linked with. The sway of the hoards of people was beginning to get you motion sick, but you were determined to keep wading through, trying to hike through this high tide, but you couldn’t help but feel vulnerable. You were cursed with a soft, approachable face that just begged to be messed with. Even in times like these, where your thoughts are nothing short of bitchy, the message would never get across with a resting bitch face. Your love for dark attire didn’t matter. Your baby face and aura won every match. Not even the eyeliner and dark lipstick you preferred could save you. All you could do is hope that your best friend’s intimidation and delightfully loud presence was enough for the two of you as you keep planting one foot after the other.

“Fucking hell!” You barely gasped out, finally freed out of the main room, and now into the hallway. The seasick claustrophobia no longer had its poisonous grips on your soft, easy to bruise skin, though, you did need to catch your breath.

“Finally!” Jamie sighed loudly and melodically, patting you on the back and easily recovering. Before she headed straight into the kitchen to scope out the place, possibly for anyone she knew and, perhaps, her Special Someone.

“So did ya see anyone you knew, Jame?” You called after her upon entering what appeared to be a stereotypical scene of the kitchen during a college party. Cliche red solo cups scattered everywhere, filled at varying degrees. A beer keg or two, some cheap bottles of vodka splayed about, remnants of ash from blunts, a couple or two aggressively making out against the wall, and four or five random stragglers fidgeting with their phone or talking overly loudly to each other. You know, the usual.

“Ughh, no” She answered reluctantly. “They have to be somewhere else, maybe, like upstairs or downstairs, right?!”

Before you could reply, behind you, you heard an enthusiastic “Jamie!!” then a muffled, “you finally made it!!” The familiar voice had you jerking your head to see if your ears were failing you, evidently, they weren’t. Right away you see Chris tackling Jamie in a hug before he met your eyes with his comically wide ones.

“Aaaahhh!! Y/n’s here too?!”

“Yeah! Don’t we look cute?” Jamie fluffed up her cropped, newly dyed hair you helped her do, yours also in a similar state.

“Yeah, but Y/n looks better.” He teased, giggling and slapping her in the arm; unsurprising, as it’s their usual fashion.

“Oh my god! Why did I come here?! Okay, we’ll leave then, Chris.” Jamie joked right back at him, snatching at your hand like it was a prize to be won and taking you away with her. Unfortunately for you, this was just a well-meaning joke, you weren’t going to be set free from a party anytime soon.

“Nooo! Don’t go!!” He dramatized, grabbing onto at Jamie, halting her from leaving with you in tow. Giggling so hard, he had to throw his head back to project it all. You snorted a “thank you” a bit late, too busy laughing. He just gave you a brotherly slap on the arm, on his way to leave before Jamie stopped him.

“Wait! What about my soulmate? You said they'd be here, remember!”

“Oh?” Chris’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion, Jamie nodded with stern wide eyes which seemed to spark back his doubtful memory, “Ahhh… downstairs… maybe… I think- hangin’ out! There’s a game about to start- Oh, yeah! That’s why I’m here-” he giggled to himself, “to get this!” He then snatched a full bottle of vodka from a sneaky cabinet you didn’t know about before ushering you guys along to follow him. Honestly, Chris didn’t make it sound too promising that Jamie’s soulmate could be down there, but it’s the best lead you got.

Shyly, you followed behind the two as he led the way to the basement. With Chris as your guide, it was relatively smooth sailing, the crowd parting minimally to make way for the president of the frat. Before you know it, you’re walking down some nasty ass carpeted stairs, forcing your eyes from questionable stains to look for a rail instead to hold onto. Strangely enough, walking down the steps was comforting somehow, the feeling as if it were inviting you�� in. Like it assigned you a duty instead of the alienating fish out of water experience you had earlier on the main floor.

“I picked up some stragglers!” Chris cheered as he turned into the room.

“Yeah, but did you bring the alcohol?” A brazen voice you’ve never heard before shot straight through you. You could feel it run through you with tingles down your spine and goosebumps up your arms.

“Hell yeah I did, ya jackass!”

When the two of you turned the corner, the world slowed down and your muscles instantly seized up, halting you into place without consent. Your insides clench tight, wrapping itself into a knot. Suddenly you were sweating, but in contrast, your vision looked as though you were looking through a nice refreshing glass of pink lemonade. Normally steady hands were now shaky, your ears and cheeks beginning to glow beet red. You could feel yourself beginning to sweat at the nape of your neck and underarms; all this from the sudden voice of the stranger! -What? What’s going on?!-

Immediately, your gaze pans around the room before they landed on the source, long-lashed eyes holding a dark chocolate glaze and shivering you to the bone. Like a hooked fish, you couldn’t look away. The initial astonishment of just the sensations couldn‘t compare to exploring the face in front of you.

Chiseled cheeks, and angular brows. Pouty naturally downturned lips were discovered underneath an impossibly perfect, pointy nose. Everything about him was like the artwork, his slightly covered forehead was somehow artistic as if even the space between the brow and the hairline was something new that your narrow mind could never possibly understand. His hairline soon revealed a head of luscious black hair, unrealistically voluminous, shiny and soft. Honestly, his hair was screaming at you to test out if it could be possible, that someone who looked like this was real. His entire face and head on his shoulders didn’t make conceivable sense. Maybe it’s just you, but a person this perfect couldn’t exist and you have yet to venture south to see how perfect the rest of him could possibly be.

“Y/n? Are- are you okay?”

You vaguely felt or heard your best friend at your side, but it wasn’t decipherable. Everything but this guy in front of you was fuzzy, blurry to you. All the energy in your being focused on this human in front of you. His silky, messily parted locks, begging for you to test if it was as soft as it looked. His sharp features. His lips a natural coral-y color that began to shine and glimmer with saliva as his glossy tongue began to trail along those chapped lips. You shot your eyes back to his, reeling you back in like the prey you began to feel. Oh, sweet, sweet baby Jesus, is this really happening?!

“I-“ both of you started at the same time. Embarrassingly enough, it seems as though the blurry figures of everyone else in the corner of your eyes caught on to something the two of you were oblivious to. Everyone started jumping and screaming, whooping chaotically, and taking over your vision. The slow world disappeared in a blink, launching you right back to its now rapid, woozy speed. With everyone pushing and shoving around you in excitement it was not at all helping with your wibbly-wobbly state.

Suddenly, you felt many different arms coming at you, wrapping around you, constricting you, and jumping around with you in their arms in excitement. There was a deafening amount of rambunctious hooting and hollering it was almost as if the team they were rooting for won the SuperBowl.

“And here I thought Y/n was Jamie’s soulmate!” Chris guffawed and they all joined in, all besides you and this guy- WAIT- did Chris say- say ‘soulmate’?? No, he couldn’t have!

“Soulmate?” Equally, as soon as you internally questioned the word choice, you heard his earth-shattering voice speak again, despite the fact he merely whispered, softly wondering aloud. He spoke aloud what you were thinking, right when you thought it!

You couldn’t get enough of his voice, especially now when you can’t see him in the crowd. His voice was light, honey-colored, dreamy, just the perfect amount of deep, it made you want to taste his lips to see if he’s as sweet as he sounded. You, yourself, were still in the locked-in-place state, still too shell shocked to even make a step forward, your poor brain overworking itself to make sense of any of this.

“Really?” In elated shock you chirped, slowly giving in to the hugs and excited jumping with wide and confused eyes. Is this for real? This is really happening?!

“Holy fuck, Y/n!” Jamie managed to get you, pulling you a bit too crushingly in a hug. “I can’t believe it! You found your soulmate in this shitty basement and not me!” She playfully teased, there was no ill will behind it.

By now the situation was beginning to sink in a teeny bit and you were shocked, to say the least. Frankly, you were starting to think that this day would never come. You had a soulmate and your soulmate looked like that! You were over the moon, even if you felt a bit guilty that you found your soulmate at this party instead of Jamie. It was the plan of this whole night, after all. Now that it was you, you didn’t know how to react. You were completely and utterly unprepared.

“I’m so sorry, Jamie.” You pulled her back in closer, crushing her back into you, eyes watering, lip trembling. “Oh my god, I think I might- I think I might cry.” You hiccupped into her chic mesh turtleneck and dress combo. This is too much. Too too much.

“Heyy!~ Don’t feel bad for me! It’s okay!” Jamie simply chortled, patting your head deeper into her chest, her usual protocol if you were about to seriously cry.

Humiliatingly enough, you heard a few guys begin to chant “don’t cry!” in the background. Your small moment of sincerity and calm was soon interrupted by Chris.

“Well isn’t this fun! You know what this means!”~

“Minho’s soulmate’s a lil’ bitch?” You heard Jisung, the kid whom you shared your major and many classes with, taunt. His words forcing you forward, ready to fight the kid. He’s a child, literally a child! Why do I associate myself with him?! I swear to god-

“Hey, hey, hey! It was a joke!” He squeaked away from you. He was too speedy, no chance for you and your heavy ass boots stomping after him. Safely, he skidded behind the couch, behind whom you’re assuming is “Minho”, which had your boots screeching to a halt.

Though you were scrambling after Jisung, your eyes naturally met Minho’s as you halted. Once again, your body is preparing to either fight or flight. His face was glowing like he was some sort of ethereal being, wracked up in deep, attractive concentration. In contrast, your face was beginning to burn up an embarrassing amount, your body already turning into inoperable mush. You couldn’t say anything if you tried. Any sentence structure your brain tried to form didn’t make any grammatical or logical sense, your mind racing like a hamster on a wheel. Your neural pathways were glowing, steaming with this sudden overstimulation, leading you to the same frazzling answer each and every time:

This person right in front of you? Yeah, that’s your soulmate.

A hush was spread throughout the previously hype basement, all eyes immersed in the two of you speechlessly enraptured in each other. The longer you stood there, the more you could take him in and get used to him and the idea of him. You were warming up to him, he became more and more real with each millisecond. You've studied his eyes so passionately now that could see his dark chocolatey pupils when you closed your eyes. You were no longer overwhelmed but now enchanted by his features and general presence. His cheekbones are no longer an unfamiliar art piece. His aura was still intimidating as before, but now it appeared to the cheeky kind of way like you wanted to see what amount of scary he was capable of. It was a long, jittery, drawn-out pause before anything happened, not that you noticed.

“Out of genuine free will,” You just smiled, staring at his naturally downturned lips. Only by reading his lips did you pay attention to what he was saying- Wait, what?

“I, Lee-” Hold on a second.

“Minho-” No.

“Exercise the divine right to” This isn’t happening to me. This isn’t-

“Reject my sacredly designed-” happening. No. No. It can’t be. It’s not p-

“Soulmate.” -ossible.

The electric, exciting, high energy pause between us fell and wilted. Died just like that. The connected red strings that tied Minho and yourself were chopped off on his own accord, bringing icy cold into the room in its wake. A harsh blizzard overwhelming the space. Gasps of shocked air were being taken in from everyone in this basement, everyone, including Lee Minho.

You got a gasp of bitter cold in through your lungs before you were struck like lightning. Lightning of feverish torture took over your body, struck you directly in the heart and brain before it flashed through your veins carrying the harsh poison of rejection.

You heard a pathetic squawk tear its way out of your chapped lips, the anguish forcing you down to your knees as if you were directly stabbed in the heart. The electric, immediate painful reaction faded, bringing boiling throbs through all your cells, not leaving one out. It was unlike anything you could describe, no, imagine. It was as if the blood in your veins was replaced with boiling water and your heart was simultaneously squeezed and electrocuted in the grasps of electric hands. Maybe it was the hands of Satan dragging you down with him.

Blurrily, through fresh, hot tears, you swear you could see Minho physically flinch in response, immediately, sprinting out of the room as if he was escaping from a house on fire.

That was the last you saw before it all faded to black.

168 notes · View notes

intothedanvers-e · 6 years ago

Text

Unspoken

Word Count: 2.8k Pairing: Peter Parker x reader (Boy Meets World AU)

Summary: You’ve known Peter Parker since you were kids. You’ve gone through elementary school and middle school with him and his attached-at-the-hip best friend Ned Leeds. You and Peter always had an unspoken chemistry, you’d always considered him one of your best friends; but why did starting high school make you feel like there was something more there? Something the two of you felt like you couldn’t say out loud out of fear of shattering your friendship?

Author’s Note: i hope you all enjoy this chapter! sorry i posted it so late, ive had it written for a while but ive been busy all day so i hope you enjoy it! if you want to be part of a taglist lmk! comments and feedback are encouraged :)

Here’s my masterlist!

Prologue Part 1 Prologue Part 2 Prologue Part 3

Chapter 1

It was the last week of summer before you started your senior year, and luckily Mr. Stark also gave the four of you another summer internship. This time around he was letting you guys get more hands on, even letting you get one on one time to help him make improvements onto Peter’s Spiderman suit. You were working on something with Ned when Tony rushes down the stairs and called to you.

“Y/N your dad is on the phone.”

“My dad is at work why would he be calling me?”

“Don’t know maybe he wants to check in?”

“He knows I’m here and that I’m safe.”

“Y/N, go answer the phone will you?”

You finally looked up at him and caught on to his facial expressions. You set down your tools and rushed up the stairs. You saw Peter on the couch with an ice pack resting on his eye, squeezing a pillow to keep himself from screaming while Pepper tended to a wound on his abdomen.

“Peter are you ok?!” you said kneeling down next to him.

He was sweaty and clearly in pain, but smiled as soon as he saw you.

“You should see the other-HOLY SHIT!”

He instinctively grabbed your hand and squeezed it.

“You’re doing amazing bud,” Pepper said trying to smile at the injured boy.

He gave you a weak smile and tried wiping away at the sweat that was forming again on his forehead, but he didn’t let go of your hand.

“Tell her what happened Parker,” Tony said crossing his arms in front of him.

“Yeah tell me what happened Parker,” you said trying to smile empathetically.

“I was walking over to buy my regular sandwich at Mr. Delmar’s shop and I walked past a group of guys who were all talking about how that was the ‘next spot’ they were planning to ‘hit’ tonight when no one was around so I hid in the alley and suited up thinking they were trying to rob the shop.”

“Keep going.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head.

“Turns out…they were just repair men. One was actually Mr. Delmar’s cousin, and he didn’t want the repairs to take up business time so they had agreed to meet after he closed for the day.”

“Wait so how did all this happen?”

“Oh he’s not done,” Tony said taking a step closer to Peter.

“I thought it would be best to stop them before they could commit the crime you know? So I… “

“Peter you didn’t,” you said face palming onto your other hand.

“Oh he did.”

“They thought I was trying to rob them so they started hitting me with their equipment, who knew pipes were that strong? Anyway your dad rushed out and I tried to explain to him, which ended up in him explaining everything to me, and well you know.”

“Peter why’d you do that? You should’ve just called the police.”

“He did it because he’s a kid and still doesn’t fully understand when to ‘jump into action’. Seems like a painful way to learn this lesson kid.”

“He was doing the right thing Tony. He was protecting his neighborhood,” Pepper said taping gauze over his abdomen injury.

“No Pepper, this was not the right thing darling. There are things put into place to help prevent stuff like this, it shouldn’t have to fall on the shoulders of a 17-year-old kid!”

“But it does Mr. Stark I- “

“No Peter it doesn’t and it- “

“I’ve been going to that shop since I was a kid. I went to his baby shower, he asked me to be part of his daughters 15th birthday celebration, I know how much that shop means to him and his family. I refuse to let anything happen to the people in my neighborhood Mr. Stark, and when I have powers that can prevent the people I care about being hurt it does fall on my shoulders to protect them. I’m not complaining about it, but when you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you.”

Pepper put a blanket over Peter and rubbed Tony’s shoulder before walking out.

“We’re having a very serious discussion about this later kid,” Tony said before walking out behind Pepper.

“Y/N please don’t- “

“I’m not mad at you Peter,” you said giving his hand a reassuring squeeze.

He didn’t have to hold onto it anymore, but you didn’t want him to let go.

“You know I had to- “

“Peter, if I were you I would’ve done the same thing.”

He smiled up at you and readjusted the ice pack on his face.

“I’m just sorry that this had to happen to you,” you said looking down to gauze that was creating a slight bump under the blanket.

“It’s nothing really.”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” you said suddenly engulfing him in a hug.

He was a little caught off guard but quickly hugged you back. You could feel his body relaxing into the hug, and if you were honest so was yours. You cleared your throat and quickly stood up.

“So the suit needs more defense.”

“What?”

“It needs more defense mechanisms. It needs a way for you to take hits and not feel it as much.”

“That sounds so cool.”

“I can already think of a couple ideas that could work. I gotta go get my sketchbook.”

“Hey wait don’t leave me!”

“I’ll come back up you big baby,” you said before descending onto the stairs.

“Love youuuuu,” he yelled in a sing-songy tone.

You smiled as you climbed down the steps.

The day before your first day of senior year you spent it as a lazy day at home. Tony and Pepper left for a small vacation, MJ was having family from out of town visit, Ned was doing some research on the courses he was taking this year, and Peter was going to spend all day with May. Your dad was gone almost all day so you spent it cleaning the apartment and had now moved on to cleaning your room. You were cleaning out your notebooks from last year when you suddenly heard a tap on your window. You turned to look at the window, but ignored it and kept cleaning. Suddenly the window was pulled open and Peter was jumping in.

“That always scares the shit out of me you asshole! I told you to text me before you do that!” “I did! I got no reply!” he said throwing his backpack and webbing it to your wall.

You looked at him confused and looked around the room.

“You know what, I have no idea where my phone is so you’re right. Sorry bud.”

“You keep doing…that and I’ll call it and see if it rings.”

“It’s on vibrate,” you said giving him an innocent smile.

“Okay, well shush I can hear the vibrations remember?”

“You’re so useful,” you said trying to clean your desk drawers out as quiet as possible.

He called your phone, walking around your room to see if he could hear it vibrating. He walked up to your closet door.

“Did you clean your closet today?”

You thought for a second before nodding.

“I did!! And my dad called me while I was to let me know he was going to eat dinner with the Delmar’s, so I probably left it in there. Thanks Petey,” you said opening the closet and grabbing your phone off the shoe rack.

You threw the phone onto your bed and walked back over to your desk. Peter closed the closet door a little too hard and you heard something come slamming down.

You turned to look at him.

“What did you do?”

“Sometimes I forget that I’m a little too strong,” he said quietly as he sat on your bed.

You rolled your eyes and walked back over to the closet. You opened it and on the floor was your box, the lock had snapped and the stuff was all over your closet floor. You bent down to pick it up, and Peter felt bad so he came to help you.

“No it’s fine I got it.”

“No let me help I feel bad.”

“No Peter it’s fine you said you- “

“Does that envelope have my name on it?”

“No! I just need to pick up all- “

“Y/N a lot of those say Peter.”

You grabbed all the pieces of paper and threw them into the bottom half of the box that remained. You managed to get them all out of his hands.

“Peter let it go,” you said taking the box over to your desk.

“Hey you forgot something,” he said holding the picture of your mom.

You took it and put it on top of the other pieces of paper face down.

“Thanks,” you said looking down at the floor.

Silence engulfed the room.

“Y/N I’m not an idiot, a lot of those papers said my name on them.”

“Well all of those papers are none of your business,” you said turning away from him and going back to cleaning out your desk drawers.

“Oh we’re keeping secrets now?”

“Oh fuck off, I’m not in the mood for a little Peter Parker guilt trip.”

“Y/N I’m serious. I trusted you with my biggest secret in my entire life. If those pages say my name on them, I think I have a right to know.”

“You know what Peter no you don’t. If I went into your room and looked at your diary and decided to read it because it said my name in there, does that make it ok?”

He crossed his arms over his chest and looked at the ground. The both of you went quiet again, you continued to clean.

“It’s a journal.”

“Thanks for the clarification.”

“And for the record, it does say your name. A lot.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m going to force you to let me read it.” The room went quiet again, only this time you knew it was because he was thinking of a smart-ass comeback.

“So you keep pictures and things from your mom in a box with letters from your summer fling at writing camp and pages with my name on them? How am I supposed to react to- “

You turned around and grabbed the pages and slammed them on the bed.

“Take them. Just fucking read them already, just don’t say I wasn’t trying to save our friendship.”

You picked up the trash bag full of old school supplies and walked out to your kitchen to throw it away. You grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and sat at your dinner table. You always thought about if Peter would ever read everything you wrote about and for him at camp, but you didn’t want it to happen like this. It was your senior year and you didn’t want to lose your best friend or risk tearing apart your friend group. You sat for a few minutes before grabbing the bag of your new school supplies and walking into your room. He was sitting on your bed holding a medium sized notebook. He pat the empty space on your bed next to him. You set down your school supplies and sat next to him. He put the notebook in your hands.

“Every page with the folded corner is about you.”

There were a lot of pages with folded corners. He watched as you read a few. The first few were about how much Liz complained every time he brought you up. The one that caught your attention was about the day they broke up, it said she yelled at him that if he was in love with you to just dump her…so he did. The next few were about MJ and how she would be suspicious every time he brought you up, but not suspicious of you. The page that talked about their breakup, MJ straight up told him that he had a very obvious crush on you and that he should’ve spent his time pursuing you instead of her. Finally, the most recent pages were about conversations about you to Tony and Pepper and how much they liked all liked you. A few pages were about how all this time you spent together just kept making it clearer to him that he was in love with you, but he was too afraid to say anything at this point because you never dropped any hints that you liked him. You closed the notebook and looked up at him.

“Peter I- “

He gave you a quick kiss on the lips, warm but innocent.

“I’m sorry I just have been waiting forever to do that.”

You smiled at him and connected one of your hands to his cheek.

“If I want to ask you to be my boyfriend do I have to get approval from Tony Stark?”

He threw his head back in laughter, quickly holding your hand that was on his cheek with both hands.

“I hate you!”

You turned to face him a little more.

“It’s our senior year. You do realize after this year the both of of might not even be in the same state anymore?”

He turned his whole body to face you and grabbed both of your hands.

“I knew you were the one since you hit that girl with a wooden block in kindergarten because she called me yucky for being your friend who was a boy.”

You laughed.

“I was in love with you when we lived in the apartments next to each other, even if you’re on the other side of the country I’ll still be in love with you.”

You smiled and gave him another quick peck on the lips.

“Wait so did you say yes to being my boyfriend or?”

“Yes you headache of a woman.”

“You wouldn’t have it any other way,” you said intertwining your fingers.

“So Ned and MJ?”

“We can’t tell them Pete.”

“What! Why?!”

“Ned and MJ are the number one people who can’t deal with change! If we tell them on the first day of our fucking senior year that we’re dating, they’ll have a fucking stroke.”

Peter sat and thought about it for a second.

“Maybe I should tell them about Spidey first?”

Your eyes lit up.

“Yes! Oh yes please! I’m tired of not being able to talk about it whenever they bring up ‘The Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman’ everyday. Please please please Peter!”

“Okay okay. We’ll give them time to adjust to that then we’ll tell them about us.”

“Hey I hid my feelings for you for years, this is a piece of cake. Plus, that makes it even more our thing. They wont be suspicious of our Thursday pizza nights or our Monday movie nights because we’ve been doing them for years, only now we get to do them as a couple.”

He laid back onto the bed and pulled you into his side. Suddenly the front door opened.

“Hey I’m home Y/N!”

The two of you jumped up, you grabbed his stuff and shoved him into your closet. Just as you shut the closet door your dad opened your bedroom door.

“Hey dad! How was work?” you said trying to casually lean against the closet door.

“Good! All ready and set for tomorrow?”

You nodded and pointed around the room.

“Yeah, I wanted to clean up before embarking on my last year of highschool.”

“My baby girl is getting big!” he said walking over to you and pulling you into a big hug.

“Dad!”

“I know, but you know how much I love you. And now because of Tony Stark you can spread your wings and fly anywhere.”

“But I’ll always come back for you,” you said smiling at him.

“That’s my girl. Don’t go to sleep too late, I’m off to bed,” he said kissing the top of your head.

“Goodnight dad,” you said closing the door as he left.

You opened the closet door and put your finger up to your lips, signaling to Peter to be quiet as possible. You heard the doorknob turn and Peter quickly got under your bed.

“Did you eat?”

You turned around and tried to cover any lingering view of Peter.

“Yeah! Ms. Dolores next door made burritos and she brought over two. There’s one in the fridge for you.”

“Heck yeah! She makes the best burritos. Okay night honey,” he said closing the door behind him. You quickly opened the window for Peter and he got onto the fire escape. He pulled off his mask just high enough to give you one last kiss.

“Text me when you get home please,” you whispered to him.

“I will. Sweet dreams babe,” he said giving you a quick kiss on your forehead.

You smiled and watched as he webbed his way home. You quickly changed into your pj’s and got into bed. You could swear the smile on your face was going to be there permanently.

Taglist: @tomsspideysenses @spideycentral-1 @kalteneckr @skelkitt @tom-hollands-eyelash @colourful-fandoms-ruined-my-blog @hollandlovely @serpent-tea @lemirabitur @empressjoy @ironspiderguy @jujurandy @bluelalal @shamelessbookaddict @parkerswebhead @elentiya02 @coffeenstudies @queenlalybug

166 notes · View notes