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[miss-sawczuk]

Things I wish I could've told myself 12 weeks ago about breastfeeding!

There are so many things I wish I knew, or I wish I could tell my past self about breastfeeding. One of them being - it does get easier. First of all, let me just say, that the choice of how you’re going to feed your child, belongs to you and you only. Nobody should ever feel entitled to an opinion and put pressure on an expecting mother, as to whether their child should be breastfed or formula fed. I was formula fed, although my mum wanted to breastfeed, and I am almost totally fine. Almost, because we all know I’m not quite right in the head, but that’s not my mum’s fault. That’s my bad attempt at joking, let’s move on! 20 odd years ago, in Poland, midwives might have not known that in fact, I had tongue tie. I know a lot of mums who couldn’t breastfeed, or simply chose not to, and guess what? That’s absolutely fine. We are super lucky, to live in a world where formula milk is so closely designed to resemble breast milk and provide the baby with nutrients they need. Breast milk is designed especially for your baby. From vitamins and antibodies, to the amount we produce. If Theia was to get poorly, my milk will adjust to her needs. It’s absolutely stunning and mind boggling, what we can do, isn’t it?

I didn’t give it much thought at the beginning, it was more of a ‘if it happens, it happens’ approach. I quit smoking as I found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t bear the thought of doing that to my baby. It meant, that I should definitely try breastfeeding, if I can. Research shows, that even if you cannot quit, you should still breastfeed your child, because it counteracts some effects of cigarette smoke on the baby's lungs and you are still able to pass on the benefits of breast milk. Is it frowned upon? Yes. It has also been proven to reduce milk production and cause poor lactation management.

When Theia was born, she was a hungry one, I tell you now. I tried, but I had no idea how to make her latch on. A midwife said ‘stop putting your nipple in her mouth’, what am I supposed to put in then, my bloody foot? It wasn’t until the midwife who cared for me during the night and was there at birth, came back from her break and helped me express some colostrum. She did it with a syringe, and as intimate that moment was, she made me feel confident that my baby was about to be fed and that I can in fact breastfeed. What a beautiful woman, who gave me courage and incredible amount of care at the time when I needed it the most. She gave me a few ideas as to how position myself, I mean I was post c-section, and Theia latched on for the first time, moments later. She was perfect. The entire stay in the hospital, I had no help whatsoever, as everybody who met us, was confident that we were doing a fantastic job. We went home and it certainly was not as easy as I imagined.

I wish somebody told me, that it was okay to sleep with my baby next to me. I was so fixated on the idea of no co sleeping because of SIDS. Every parents most dreaded scenario. It wasn’t until I saw the health visitor, who introduced me to safe co sleeping, that I started feeding Theia to sleep and throughout the night, in bed. First few days, I cried when I had to wake up, pick her up, feed her sitting up. I had awful pain in my shoulder, a spinal headache and I felt like I was having a c-section without anaesthetic, due to my wound being so fresh. It ended up slightly bursting as I caused trauma to it. Also, many times I fell asleep and woke up hating myself for putting her at risk. It put a lot of distress and unnecessary pressure on me, during the most beautiful time of my life.

I wish I could tell myself then, that Theia will put weight on. For the first three weeks, she took her sweet time to put her birth weight back on. Although, nobody told me I had to do formula top ups, or I should stop breastfeeding, I obsessed over it, as I felt like my milk just wasn’t good enough. It’s always good enough, mum. Don’t ever feel like you’re not good enough for your baby, as in their early days, they only care for you, more than you’ll ever know. Also, remember, that it is okay to ask for help, have a midwife or lactation consultant check your latch. Do go to those breastfeeding groups, do meet the mums who struggle just as much as you. Help is there, and it is free, all you have to do is ask.

I wish I knew, how OK it is to breastfeed in public. I do it all the time. Not in your face kind of way, but I don’t cover myself up completely, like I did at the start. I make sure that I am comfortable and so is my baby. On what planet, does anyone think that if a baby is hungry, it should not be fed? I will feed my baby even if we go to Mars. I remember when on day 5 of Theia’s life, we had to go to A&E gone midnight, because I was bleeding from my wound. Theia screamed her head off, she was hungry, I was stressed out and felt borderline broken. We spent hours there. I was leaking milk all over the show. I started feeding her in the waiting room, but everything was so new, I looked super clumsy doing it,I struggled to cover up, as well as Theia refused to latch on. I was kindly taken to a private room by the nurse, as she told me she totally knows how I feel and how nerve wracking the whole thing is. I never felt more thankful. I was terribly paranoid that somebody will approach me and tell me to stop. I will never allow the society to pressure me to express and take a bottle out with me, because certain people just cannot deal with a bit of flesh on show. I’ve been lucky not to receive any negative comments, but I am ready if that day comes.

I would certainly tell myself, that just like anybody, babies do eat more or less, depending on how they feel. First few days, I didn't know that you should breastfeed on demand, so I tried setting up a routine and worried sick, when she just constantly wanted to be fed. You cannot spoil a baby with milk, especially in the first weeks. Often, she used me as her personalised pacifier, and that's okay. She needed me more than anything in the world. I wish I was wholeheartedly there for her, instead of constantly worrying and stressing that there's something wrong with me or her. Hundreds of times, I was convinced I just didn't have enough milk, because she wanted to feed and feed and then feed some more. Usually during a growth spurt or a leap. Although, I know that now, even for the last three days I worried as Theia ate less. Today, she certainly ate enough for both of the previous days. Just got to take each day as it comes.

Although, my knowledge and experience barely skims the surface of what there is to know, those are some of the things life has taught me. I hope that I can forever pass on my knowledge and help somebody on their crazy ride, that motherhood provides. I will feed my babygirl as long as my body allows me to and as long as she wants to be fed. Don’t forget - fed is best. As long as you are happy, your baby will be too.

Yours truly,

Miss Sawczuk 🎀

[miss-sawczuk]

My mum will always be my superhero.

As far as I can remember, and believe me, I can remember far into my childhood, I wanted to be like my mum. She has always been my role model and a superhero in my eyes. Her incredible influence has followed me throughout my life. I remember two perfume she used to wear in particular - Davidoff Cool Water Woman and Paco Rabanne Ultraviolet. Those two fragrances will always smack me round the face like this is my home, this is mum. I wanted to wear make up like my mama did, I would go through her make up bag relentlessly, and she would bargain with me, if I allowed her to go out, I would be able to play with it. My mum played guitar to me and sang songs, so I grew up and learnt to play guitar. She read books, so I also wanted to read and we often read the same stories and talked them over. We grew to be best friends; growing up, I had a blast as I woke up on Saturday morning, and I would sit on the kitchen floor, whilst my mum cleaned, and we chatted about life. She often told me stories from her past. I listened to the same music as my mum at one point. She introduced me to Queen & Abba, as we used to play Singstar on Ps2. Growing up and transitioning into an adult, I always wanted my mums approval. If I had a plan, idea or a dilemma, I would turn to my mum for advice. If she frowned upon it, I often dismissed it. At the tender age of 23 years old, I could still bury my face in my mums arms and let her rock me, as being with her makes life just that little bit better, no matter whatever else I'm facing on the other side. Tim told me that I don't realise how alike me and my mum are, and I don't think he realises how much I know it. I feel that some of her traits have rubbed off on me, because of how close we always have been and how much I look up to her.

This makes me reflect. I am a mum now, to a little babygirl. Will Theia look up to me? Will she remember all the little things I did, will she strive to be like me? As wonderful as it is, it's also a little bit scary. It's important, that throughout all these years, as Theia transitions from an infant to a toddler, to a small child, then to a teenager and finally an adult, that I am always the best version of myself. I want to be an example to my daughter, not a perfect person, but somebody she can learn from. I learnt a lot from my mother, a lot about love, mistakes, sacrifices and hard work. I want my daughter to be able to make her own mistakes, come to me for help, so I can guide her on how to fix them. I am lucky, that the next few years I can spend on bettering myself for the sake of my own family. I know, that one day I will become a person they will be proud of, and my daughter will want to follow. I will let her reach for her own dreams, not my unfulfilled aspirations. I will let her go off and live life to the fullest, even if she makes awful decisions. I will always push her to sleep in the bed she made, but always wake up, ready to face her fears and fight them. I will be proud of every achievement in her life, even if small and not as great as others. I will let her know how well she's doing, whether as a child, teenager or an adult. The world is a scary place and we deserve a reassurance that we are doing well, and we always seek it from the ones we care about the most. I know we'll fight, I know there'll be tears and broken hearts. I know I broke my mamas heart a thousand times, but it never made her love me less. That's all I wish for, Theia to grow up as fond of me, as I am of my mum. It's scary, but isn't it just so exciting?

[miss-sawczuk]

Being a mum is most definitely a full time job!

Right now, as we stand, I am not in any employment. I get to sleep in, if baby allows. I get to go out, go shopping, visit a park. But do I get the freedom of doing as I please? Absolutely not. Let's just put certain things into perspective, as this topic boils my blood at the moment.

I may not be working, but I'm a mother, 24/7. The needs of my baby, come before mine. I really need to pee, but Theia is feeding and will start screaming, if I unlatch her. So I wait until she's satisfied. I wake up and I just want a cup of coffee. Back in the day, I would spend an hour or so, drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes. Now, I need to settle Theia first, after she wakes up; feed her, change her nappy and make sure she's happy before I have anything to drink. It's easier now, but up to 8 weeks old, I wouldn't move for 2 hours after waking up, because she was so needy. When we want to visit friends or family, or generally just go out, there's a huge routine around it. First, I feed Theia. Try to put her down for a nap. If she sleeps in her swing, great! If she doesn't - swing comes to the bathroom with me. My shower lasts 5 minutes, as I dance and sing anything that comes to my head to keep her happy. Then I try to put her down to sleep again, so I can do my make up. She sleeps, allows a 30 minute slot for me to get ready, so I crack on! But I really want another coffee and just 5 minutes in peace. Turn the kettle on - she's up. I put her down again. She usually wakes up by the time I'm dressed or about to get dressed and want to do my hair, so I just let it dry naturally, because there is no way

I'm settling her for another 20 minutes just to dry my hair. Last on my priorities list.

Then, do I need to bath her? If yes, I do so, alone. I've mastered the holding with one hand, cleaning with the other art. She loves a bath. I dress her, feed her once again before we attempt to leave. Then we can leave.

When we're out and about, usually I have her in the baby carrier, because I don't drive, so if I need to walk a distance or go to awkward shops, I prefer that. If I take her in her pram, I have also mastered picking up the whole pram to walk up any stairs and cross bridges.

When we get home, guess what I do? Feed Theia again. Have you realised that in all of this, I haven't mentioned food of my own? I always struggle to find time to feed myself before Theia, unless we both have a chilled day at home. I ended up buying a smoothie blender. It's a godsend. Couple of bananas, peanut butter, oats, honey, dash of cinnamon and some sort of milk. I prefer nut juice, but cows milk will do. Wizz it up and it'll keep you fuelled till the afternoon, I promise.

Only recently, I picked up my knife and started cooking dinners again. After Theia's second leap, she has calmed down a lot and doesn't mind swinging and chilling on her own for longer than 2 minutes and 45 seconds. Before that, there was no way, especially during fussy evenings. So to chop an onion, it would take me about 10 years. I do weekly shopping and plan meals ahead. Often, we were left without dinner as I simply couldn't make it. But guess what? We have the third leap ahead and a growth spurt ongoing, so perhaps time to stock up on ready meals again!

They say nap when the baby does. Sometimes I do indulge in a 25 minute nap, as that's how long Theia tends to sleep during the day. I wake up feeling worse than before. As well as that, as she sleeps, I clean. Clean, cook or do anything productive that I need to achieve that day. Otherwise, I'll go nuts. Sleep at night? Yeah, half decent, but I'm still the one whose boobs are being pulled and yanked like play-doh, twice a night. And now, the additional screaming in the mornings. I cannot remember what it's like to have undisturbed sleep. To top it all off, I want to look half decent for my partner, you know, try not to smell of B.O and maybe a gram of make up if he's lucky. As Tim works till about 10 p.m, I always stay up with him, just so we don't miss each other's company.

Having Theia was a surprise, but keeping her was my choice. I have temporarily sacrificed everything I had or wanted to have, just to have this baby. My career, education, body (which I never had, but wanted to have), my social life, the freedom of not rushing a poo or not moving from the sofa all day, without company. I know all of those things will come back to me, but not now. Now, I have her as my main priority, to nourish, cherish and adore.

And that's just skimming over the basics. My entire day and night revolves around my baby. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't change it for the world. But if anybody tries telling me, that all mums do is sit at home and have a chilled one, can go F themselves. I mean it. That's why sometimes, us mums, well, me for sure, choose to skip social events or get togethers, as the day before we have already decided we are going to curl up in a ball, in our pj's and just tend to the babes needs. No cleaning or cooking. Chicken nuggets or nothing.

Here we are. Having a baby is most of all rewarding and fulfilling, but it's not always pink clouds and rainbows. Thunderstorms and hailstones occur at least once... every other hour. I joke. I love her to bits. But life has never been more challenging!

For now, that will be it.

P.s I started painting a chair. Watch this space! I might finish it in 2020.

Yours truly,

Miss Sawczuk 🎀

[miss-sawczuk]

Katsu Curry time!

As I cooked tonights dinner, I thought, why don't I post a blog about something I do pretty OK - cooking. I made Katsu Curry once before, when I purchased Jamie Olivers Comfort Food book. I have never actually eaten it, but I know it's many peoples fave at Wagamama. I know how to make it, it requires very little and majority of the ingredients should be in our dry goods cupboard. I managed to make it with Theia swinging away throughout it, so it's not only cheap, but also mum friendly. My head chef boyfriend said "that's some good shit, baby", so I guess it's impressive too. Here we go!

My take on Katsu Curry with coconut rice, red onion pickle and salad

2 chicken breasts

70g (more or less) plain flour

2 eggs

70g panko breadcrumbs

Salt & pepper

Sesame oil for frying (optional)

3 medium sized carrots

2 garlic cloves

1 onion

1 thumb of ginger

2 tbsp curry powder medium

2 tsp plain flour

1/2 tsp chilli flakes

600 ml chicken stock

2 tbsp soy sauce

1 tbsp honey

1 tin of coconut milk

Mango chutney to taste (optional)

Coconut oil for cooking (optional)

200g basmati rice

Creamed coconut (to taste)

Knob of butter

Pinch of salt

1 red onion

2 limes

Salt

1/2 coriander bunch

Your favourite salad mix!

Start off by preparing your chicken breasts. Get rid of any sinew, fat, bone splinters. You can either cook the whole breast like I did, butterfly it or split in half lengthways. Unless you are cooking it whole, you will not need to put the chicken in the oven. Season the flour with salt and pepper, separately whisk your eggs to bind and prepare a bowl of panko breadcrumbs. Place your chicken breast in the flour, coat it, put it in the egg, return back to the flour, followed by the egg and finally panko breadcrumbs. Make sure your flour is generously seasoned and that your chicken breast is covered well in the breadcrumbs. Heat up a pan of oil. I specifically used sesame oil for extra flavour, but you can use anything down to your personal preference. Don't buy it just for this dish, unless you want to! Allow the oil to heat up. I always check if it's ready not only by judging its looser consistency, but also by dropping a bit of flour into the pan to see if it sizzles. Fry the chicken on each side until golden, place on a tray and when all your other bits and bobs are ready, cook in the oven for 9 minutes. Let it rest. As we're slicing the breast anyway, you will be able to ensure it's cooked through.

Start preparing your sauce by chopping up the onion into a rough dice, slicing the carrots, I cut mine lengthways, then once again in half and chopped it up. Grate your garlic and ginger. Heat up a pan of coconut oil, once again, any oil of preference will do. Fry all your vegetables for roughly 5 minutes, until soft and slightly caramelised. Add the curry powder, flour and chilli fakes and fry for another minute or so. You're welcome to add more curry powder to personal taste,

but I would leave that till the end, so you do not over season it. Slowly add your hot stock, and keep stirring it so no lumps are formed in the process. You should see your sauce begin to thicken. Add the honey and soy sauce. Finish the entire sauce with a tin of coconut milk and add mango chutney to taste. It's an optional step but if you do have any laying around your cupboard, I would highly recommend it as it balanced the heat and worked alongside the strong curry flavours. Leave your sauce on low heat to slightly reduce, cook out and richen in flavour. You can add more spice at the end if you feel your sauce needs it.

Cook the rice in salted water. Normally, I would rinse my rice and most likely cook it with a bit of water and butter, covered with tinfoil, in the oven. This one, I always cook as it is in a pan. I let the water completely cook out. When rice is soft, drain it from the remaining liquid. Put it in a bowl and combine with a knob of butter. Grate some creamed coconut into it. You can get creamed coconut in any shop, in the world foods isle. It's a block of coconut flesh that has been dehydrated, ground to a paste and compressed. It's super creamy, rich and slightly sweet. Works a treat with the rice. Add a pinch of salt to taste. You should end up with super sticky rice.

Finally, finely slice a red onion. Put it in a bowl with squeezed out limes and a pinch of salt. Roughly chop coriander and put it through. Leave it in the fridge, to allow it to pickle. Prepare a bowl of your favourite salad leaves and salad vegetables. I used radishes, carrots and spring onion. Dress it with a dressing of your choice or a squeeze of lemon and tbsp of oil.

And here we have it. If you want it to be slightly healthier, do not fry your chicken, after you coat it, you can cook it straight in the oven. Skip the mango chutney in the sauce and use either coconut oil or 1 kcal oil spray to fry your vegetables. Minimise the use of salt. Use brown rice. You can buy lite coconut milk. You can also leave out the creamed coconut in the rice, but I'd recommend it, it's super nice.

If anyone gives this a go, let me know, take pics! Give me your opinions and perhaps I will do a recipe once a week! Take care for now!

Yours truly,

Miss Sawczuk 🎀

[miss-sawczuk]

Leaps, leaps everywhere!

Let me just express how fantastic it feels to be typing this from my laptop. Not my phone, as I awkwardly lie on my side, with Theia peeled to one of my boobs. On my laptop. Theia was sleeping, but now she's watching me carefully, with her squinty eye look, as she contemplates whether to sleep or scream for food. I digress. You know what this means? If by any chance you are a new mumma, with a baby under 12 weeks old, this is the bliss that awaits for you when your baby hits the wonderful age of 3 months old. A sprinkle of freedom, and it feels fabulouso.

Today, I want to talk about DEVELOPMENT and TRANSITIONS. This slightly takes us back to my post about the famous neurodevelopmental leaps, where I only just discovered why my baby is the biggest fusspot on earth. You know, before you have children of your own, all you really care about in other children is whether they're crawling, walking, talking, pooing by themselves and all of the other big achievements in their new lives. I never paid much attention to the smaller things (although I had a few cousin babes growing up around me), and as a freshly baked mum, I really love taking note of them. Mental note, who has time for pen and paper these days! Every time Theia does something new, I literally want to cry with joy. If you don't have children, and you're reading this, you probably think I'm a total cheese melt - but trust me. One day, you will realise that children make you an emotional wreck. Or maybe it's just me, and I need to get help, who knows!

So, here we go, at the tender age of almost 12 weeks, Theia can:

1. Follow people with her eyes and turn head to those who speak (and she wants to listen to, which is mostly ME, ha!) She also looks towards different sources of light. Shows a big interest in the fish tank, due to the bright lamp.

2. Laugh! Heard her beautiful, slightly overwhelmed laughter, as I wasn't sure whether she's laughing or about to burst into hysterics. It was definitely a laugh, because it happened a couple more times after that. Bliss!

3. Grab my hand. Not only has she grabbed it, but focused on it, and watched it, as she pulled it close, then put it in her mouth. I watched her tiny, sweet face focus with all her might, as she realised she can grab things and put them where she wants it - which usually is her mouth. This morning. I was woken up by her ferociously grabbing my nipple. Not sure how I feel about this development quite yet. And may I just highlight, that this is something babies usually master after their 4th leap at 19 weeks. So super impressed with the first attempt!

4. Nearly hold her own head up. Sometimes it wobbles a tiny bit, but usually she is very much in control and once again, able to turn to wherever she wants to look.

5. Lift herself up when she grabs a hold of my hands. Also tries sitting up very often when I hold her in a cradling position.

6. Take her dummy out. Super annoying, as she winds herself up!

7. Settle herself to sleep. If she has eaten, and is tired, she is happy to lie down with her muslin and dummy, then slowly drift off to sleep. Also, during the night, I always used to make her fall asleep by breastfeeding, as she sort of used my boob as a pacifier. Now, she will happily just drift off next to me.

8. Play with her own hair.

9. Hug toys, muslin cloths, blankets. Super cute.

10. Pull a variety of faces. Smiles are all around, all day long.

Those are the main things, which I have noted. I will do this again, perhaps in another 4 weeks time, when she finishes her growth spurt and leap. I am super excited to see how this baby transitions into a little lady, as she already shows signs of having a personality of her own. Do you not think that's incredible?

For now, peace out - dinners don't cook themselves!

Yours truly,

Miss Sawczuk 🎀

[miss-sawczuk]

Hello anxiety, my old friend.

Nobody likes to talk about the state of their mental health, especially when the 'health' part is somewhat broken. I will. That's exactly why I'm doing this, because if I open up, I may encourage another person to do so too, and to me - that's a success. Lately, I've been getting a sinking feeling in my stomach. I can be shopping at Asda, and suddenly something drops inside of me, I get a hot flush, a jolt inside as if I have forgotten something... nah, just anxiety. A small panic attack. I take a few deep breaths and almost forget about it, until next thing happens. Lately, I've struggled to scramble myself off the sofa. I have struggled to exist in general. I barely open my eyes, and just assume we're gonna have a 'lazy day'. But a lazy day, turned into a lazy week, which could end up being a lazy month. I had alarm bells ring inside of me, my voice of consciousness whisper 'anxiety, help, SOS'. I've heard this voice before, we've had plenty of conversations. It's like an old friend.

You see, us mums (and humans in general!) go through incredible things. I still remember finding out I was pregnant, and now I have a 3 month old Theia snoring next to me. In less than a year, I got pregnant, grew a baby inside of me, went through the whole birthing process, cared for a newborn, encountered new things, that I had no idea about as well as no idea I was ever capable of. We're talking strain on my body, strain on my mind, change of cities, new home, baby and responsibility, an utter and total lack of money, like are we gonna make it till the end of the month? All of that, and some more! In less than ONE year! Not even going to mention other things non pregnancy or baby related that life throws at us. Now, tell me! How can one person handle that, without getting locked up in a psych ward at the end of it? Well, the answer is simple. Nobody can do all of that, and expect to come out without a single chip at the end of it. Unless you're some sort of a perfectionist, with an ideal life, husband who barely works, so he's there to help, endless supply of money, drink kale smoothies and do yoga at the weekends. But even then, your mind could wonder off to the darkest corners or your brain. And that's fine, because it's just how life works, whether you're rich or poor, married or single, planned your baby or not, etc, you get my drift.

I don't know, whether feeling low in my case, has been caused by going back on hormone based contraception, or whether it could be my underactive thyroid. Could it be my hormones trying to rebalance after everything we've been through? Maybe it's the fact that life is a little bit tough at the moment. I'll tell you one thing right now though - I am not ashamed to admit it. The minute my consciousness spoke to me, I was like 'Oh, hi! That's fine my little friend, we'll just take it easy from now on'. And I try. Every single day, I just try to survive and stay afloat. I try to self heal. Do things that will put me in a good, healthy, happy state of mind, even just for a day. I look at Theia and think we will be okay, because mummy is gonna figure it out, as she always does.

The sad part is, some of us tend not to speak up. Me, for example. You might think I'm talking absolute bollocks, because I'm posting this for everybody to read. That doesn't mean, that I've reached out to family or friends for help. I like to deal with myself, by myself, like I always have. However, now I have Theia. I realise, that I have a community around me, I'm surrounded by people who not only care for me, but foremost care for her. That's why, I need a healthy mind, because happy mum, happy baby, and all of those other motivational quotes. We all have our own lives and sometimes when you see somebody do well on the surface, you simply forget to ask 'are you okay? Is there anything you need?'. Sometimes, we just need to get a well deserved break. If you're reading this, think, is there anybody you know, that just needs a break from the craziness surrounding them? Be the one to give it to them today, not only you will feed your soul, you will probably make their day.

Anxiety comes in all shapes, forms and sizes. I had small anxiety during pregnancy, for example, about being in a car. I would be surrounded by cars, driving as they should, but suddenly I would grab a tight hold of something, because I felt like we're going to crash. We never did, but I always panicked. It drove Tim insane. That subsided, when Theia was born. When we started co-sleeping, which was advised by my Health Visitor, I spent nights upon nights, waking up in total havoc, to check if she's breathing. If I haven't accidentally covered her. She was so small, and there was nothing I dreaded more, than waking up and for her to be gone. Although, still cautious, I snuggle up next to her with so much more confidence now. So here we are, I'm anxious in general. Anything triggers it. A memory, thoughts about the future, money, Christmas, even Bruce can make me feel on edge. I know, that this phase shall pass too.

So, what helps? In a soulful, food for the mind kind of way, a community. A feel of belonging. Seeing other mums, who look totally happy, but knowing they feel the same way I do. Having that extra coffee, with full fat milk, because I know it makes me happy. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, but so what? Creating new things, painting, drawing, blogging, just putting myself out there, really does make me feel good about myself. Thinking about the far future. Plans. Drafting ideas for work, a career, way to get a decent income in again. Talking to my friends and family, seeing them, especially seeing them happy. Pampering myself, I'm not talking spa here, I mean a bubble bath and a good old leg shave. Sometimes, my inner voice says 'yo, can we just watch cheesy rom coms (OR CHRISTMAS FILMS! Yay!) all day, and not do any cleaning at all?' and let me tell you now, it is so important to just say yes, yes we can. You know what else really does give a big boost? Big breakfast. Whether it's porridge with nuts and fruit, or a proper fry up.

There is always the possibility to see a doctor and ask for medication, and trust me, if this goes on much longer, I will seek professional help, especially if what I'm going through is just down to mucky hormones. However, it's so important to remember, how powerful our minds are, and how much we can achieve. Life is way too short to feel this way, so my journey through self healing is going to start here and now! Whether you had a baby recently, years ago, having one soon or never had one, a healthy mind is key. Key to happiness, key to success and key to making the most of the life you've been given. Never hesitate to reach out, if you feel like dark days are upon you. Sometimes, we just need a small nudge in the right direction. This one is mine!

Yours truly,

Miss Sawczuk 🎀

[miss-sawczuk]

Inducing, epidural, c-section!

I've been thinking a lot about the day I had my baby and how life, including my body, have changed that day. Like, let's talk about the actual birthing process. Is one ever prepared for that? Yeah, I had a birthing plan. I said yes to a vitamin K shot, but when the midwife asked me if I wanted one, and if I knew what it was, I just said yes please and not a clue. My mind was blank, but that wasn't a surprise, considering I emptied their drug cabinet in one day. Here we go, prepare yourself for a long, super personal post!

Leading up to birth, I warmed up to the idea of as natural as possible. I started with wanting an epidural, but decided to just see how it goes and make that my last resort. No gas and air, no pethidine. After extensive research and speaking to mums, I found out what will make me drowsy and I didn't want it. Well, guess what? I had gas & air, pethidine and an epidural. I didn't even realise I agreed to pethidine, until I read the birth report later on.

No matter how many labour stories you hear or read about, it cannot compare to your own. My mum had an epidural and she loved it - why go through all that pain, if you can skip it? My auntie had two natural, quick births, and she also loved them. I was there for her first one. I knew what to expect, yet it was an alien feeling as it happened.

My contractions started on Sunday morning, and by Wednesday early morning (2 am), I broke down and rang labour line, demanding help. My contractions came every two minutes, for more than an hour, lasting a good minute or so. I cannot compare that pain to anything I've ever felt before. She said I will probably be sent home, but they may give me pain relief. Midwife checks me over, 1 cm dilated. I just looked at her like is this April the 1st? Lady, I haven't slept since Friday night, please just drug me and let me labour in peace. She gave me a shot of liquid morphine and said the magical words I've been waiting to hear - we will take you in, as you were meant to be induced later on today. The moment I was laying down in the labour room, I asked when I'm allowed to have the epidural done. As it was an option to have it whenever, I waited. I had my waters broken and was put on a drip to induce the labour. I coped well with a bit of gas & air, I even started laughing, texted all my girls like HA! I feel drunk! Love a bit of gas, me. Laughter stopped very soon after the drip kicked in, at that point I barely had the strength to ask for this goddamn epidural. And yes, getting it done is as bad as it sounds. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed, two anaesthesiologists doing stuff to my back, midwife keeping an eye on baby's heartbeat, Tim held the g&a for me with one hand, and wiped my sweat with the other. Contractions coming on, as a huge needle is being fitted in my spine. Not sure how I didn't pass out. But once it was in, a cool sensation took over me. Bliss, which I haven't felt in days. Peace. Quiet. I felt no pain. Just like switching off a light. I was semi numb boobs down. If I have another baby, I will ask for an epidural the moment my toes touch the hospital. Even though I ended up being 1/100 who got a spinal headache. That wasn't fun.

After that, all went well. I felt no contractions, I had a laugh with all the midwives and doctors who checked me over. From early morning, to late evening, I just lied there. Two things I experienced that nobody told me about: 1) I vomited. Out of nowhere, I just started feeling nauseous and I was sick. 2) all of my plans and birthing ideas went straight in the bin - I had an emergency c-section. I never considered that to be an option.

Around 2 am, I was ready. 10 cm dilated, but baby had other plans. She kept twisting, she wasn't in a position for birth and her heart rate dropped drastically. It felt like seconds from that moment, to being in theatre, surrounded by 6-7 people, or more. Every single one of those people had a specific job. Once again, my body was being numbed, I had the anaesthetist spray me from my pelvis upwards, asking if I can feel the cold sensation. I was nervous. What if I accidentally answer wrong, and I will feel the entire surgery? At that moment, I was a little bit shocked and scared. I knew, that it's a matter of minutes until I meet my daughter. I was overwhelmed, because on the other side of the curtain, I had two surgeons cutting me open, digging into my womb to take a baby out. I felt the tugging, everything else was pretty much in the far distance, until I heard a little cry and Tims words 'she's got your hair'. I just cried. She was here, with us, at 3:55 a.m. What did she look like? Did she look anything like me or Tim? And then I was congratulated, as a fairly heavy burrito baby was placed on my chest. She had red skin and a head full of fair, sticky hair. She was perfect.

In all honesty, I could've gone into greater detail here. My point is, you'll never be mentally prepared for your first birth. It's an experience full of surprises. It could be as smooth as butter, more painful, less painful than expected, medicated or not, vaginal birth or c-section. Luckily, it ended with a healthy baby and a healthy mum. I couldn't have asked for a better experience or better care during and after labour. That was almost 10 weeks ago, but I know I will never ever forget a single second of that day.

Yours truly,

Miss Sawczuk 🎀

[miss-sawczuk]

Mental leaps, say whaaat!

Let me just remind y'all of all the things that you don't know before you become a mum, and suddenly they occur like 'what, you didn't know? It's obvious'. Well guess what, no, no it's not bloody obvious! Or easy. Or fun. Can be quite wonderful though, if you choose to look from another perspective. I'm not ready for a positive outlook, until I can get some sleep.

One of those things is a mental leap.

I was aware of growth spurts and when they happen, more or less. When Theia was 6 weeks old, she very much went through one, and when I spoke to my mum, she mentioned a leap, but as I was translating her words from polish to english, what she meant got totally lost in translation, as I presumed it was the same as a growth spurt. Two weeks later, Theia begins fussing, over sleep, over food. Her usual routine goes out the window. I mean, not as if I had a half decent routine with a +2 month old baby, but I knew, that at some point during late evening, she will fall asleep and will not wake up until 3ish for a quick feed, doze off again until 6ish for another feed, she'll be over and done with it when she's full, and then not wake up until 9 (some days I could've pushed her to feed again and nap again for a few hours if I felt super lazy). I lived a luxurious life, I will not lie. It wasn't often that I was sleep deprived, as well as feeling awful when people assumed that I lack sleep when in reality I didn't. I lacked peace and a minute to myself or my partner, as it was night time sleep in return for very little napping/no napping during the day. That's just as hard as lack of sleep at night, in my experience. So when I began losing my night sleep as well as my precious time in the day, I also started losing my sanity. I can feel it slipping away. It's not like she wakes me up crying. She wakes me up screaming, making funny noises at me, almost shouting. Dummy is bad, mummy is bad and even the holy boob can absolutely do one as well. It was when I posted on a breastfeeding support group, asking if perhaps I should do formula top ups, as Theia is being extra greedy and grouchy, the ladies advised me to download the Wonder Weeks app, which told me Theia is having her second leap in her lifetime. And I still have 9 days to go. Fab.

That's where the wonderful part kicks in. With a leap, comes a beautiful chunk of development. Those little hands are grabbing a hold of me, those big, blue eyes are focusing more on my inner features, not somewhere above my hairline. She's happy to lay there and watch people chattering away to her. She makes different noises. She's a completely different baby to what she was a week ago. As crazy as she drives me when she's kicking and shouting at me, making grunting noises and latching onto any part of my boob she can get a hold of in total anger, I am thankful that my darling is developing. Still would kill for sleep, I won't lie. Sleep, peace and a good cup of tea. And a big cuddle.

We all know motherhood is a big learning curve, and I just learnt a new, valuable lesson. It's obvious though, everything comes to an end, all things pass, good or bad. It's important to cherish those blissful moments and bask in how wonderful our tiny creations are. I'm exhausted and emotional. I love you all.

P.s she's calm and asleep at the moment. Wish me luck.

Yours truly,

Miss Sawczuk 🎀

[miss-sawczuk]

Deep heat muffins!

I am aware that I haven't written in a while, but unfortunately I've been too busy winging motherhood and life in general too. You see, I only write when inspiration takes over my thoughts and I catch myself imagining that I'm telling you all a story of some sort, but due to writers block, I haven't felt it, until today.

Wanna hear how I made deep heat muffins? Tune in.

Those who know me, know that I spent a few years cooking and working my buttocks off to be a half decent chef. When I landed a job at the Green House hotel, which resides a 2 rosette restaurant, I met a lot of talented people, an incredible pastry chef, Beth, amongst them. It was hard work, but I worshipped the ground she walked on, because her bakes have always been outta this planet and I watched her develop her skill, as she taught me mine. Well, I'm sorry Bethy, but at home - I cannot bake for shit!

I craved blueberry muffins, you know ones with oats on top? So I said to Tim, hold the baby, I'll go bake. I obviously stuck my chubby lil fingers in the batter, tried it and thought woah. 'Tim, come try this'. My head chef of a boyfriend said it's fine, but I was onto something. You see, I left the flour open, and a few months ago, some sort of deep heat smelling liquid made it's way out into the cupboard. I mean, first of all, who keeps medicine and dry goods in one cupboard? Me. But being a mother, not a chef anymore, who has a needy baby hanging off her breasts all day everyday, I ignored my instincts and the antiseptic, clovey taste in my mouth. I just wanted goddamn muffins.

I patiently waited and was ecstatic when I saw them, because they looked good. Like Bethy would be proud kinda good. They cooled down, all 12 of them, I shoved one in my mouth, and guess what? That same taste took over my entire mouth. I said to Tim, come try this! He refused. 'You can literally smell it, no thanks' you didn't say that when you tried the cake mix though, did ya!!! I finished my muffin, even tried to eat another one but I felt awful. I felt like I should google whether I'll survive this or not. I felt sick and had a belly ache. So yeah, so much for baking aye!

Today, I tried again and I can tell you all, they do not taste like deep heat. We did it! But just to let you know, it's exactly days like this that make me question my own sanity and capability to 'adult'.

That's all folks,

Yours truly,

Miss Sawczuk ✌🏻

[miss-sawczuk]

"There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one." - Jill Churchill

[miss-sawczuk]

First adventure in the outside world!

Allow me to be fully honest here – if I left the house every day, I would have stories and a half to tell you all, because today was absolutely shocking. Tim keeps saying ‘you should go out more, do this, do that’, after today I’m thinking HA!!! I’m putting the chain on the door, cardboard on the windows and goodbye. Except for tomorrow, we have to go out tomorrow.

I woke up today, feeling happy and refreshed, ready to face the day. Theia unexpectedly pooed, then somehow managed to stick her heel straight in the faecal matter and was dangerously waving it in my direction. Even that did not dampen my mood. I just thought ‘perhaps time for a bath?’

My child kindly allowed me 45 minutes of undisturbed me time, so I managed to cake my face, brush my hair and then she screamed the house down as well as half of Fratton, however she eventually fell asleep. Brilliant, let’s face the day! Quick snapshot sent to Daddy, with ‘our first trip to town!’, how exciting. We reach town and suddenly I realised I have the bare minimum knowledge of where anything is! Nothing frustrates me more, than shopping, let alone shopping without a sense of direction. We reach Debenhams, Theia starts screaming. I’m thinking bloody brilliant, we haven’t even been here half an hour! Panicked, I start looking for the café or even toilets, so I can settle her her down, but as I paced around on floor 2 like a headless chicken, she dozed off. Phew.

I continued with my shopping, getting chatted up, obviously about Theodora and her luscious hair, by about twenty different shop assistants. Believe me, attention from maximum of three people is lovely, then you reach your limit as for the 7th time you explain she is X weeks old, yes, the hair, oh yeah lovely, mhm, get lost. Tim warned me. He was right. I felt like I didn’t even need a friend to hang out with me, everywhere I went, whether I liked it or not, somebody was up for a chat!

Don’t get me wrong, I was basking in the spotlight of attention, because I do have a beautiful little daughter, it was when everything started going tits up, when I realised I’d rather stick needles in my eyelids than make another dull conversation. We shopped here and there as I suddenly realised I was being carefully watched by a pair of bright, blue eyes. And then the screech and squeal for milk came. You know my recent post about how I gained confidence in breastfeeding? BOLLOCKS! The moment she made a noise, I felt a wave of heat come over me, a cold sweat on my forehead. She wanted food. I probably walked around in circles for a good 15 minutes, eyeing up all the café’s where I could possibly sit down, have a coffee and feed my needy babe. Not like it mattered where I go, I just kept putting it off in hope she just goes back to sleep. I sat down on a bench in a quiet spot and eventually just fed her. I felt empowered. With a corner of my eye I felt watched by some old geezer, but I just continued, as most likely he wasn’t even looking at me. After we made a move, Theia thought nope, you can’t just satisfy me for 10 minutes, gimme da milk! Once again, Omg omg omg running through my head, panic written all over my face, I decided to man the hell up. I entered Starbucks with my screaming baby, picked her up, and pretended her cry doesn’t bother me. Before I was a mum, I used to think ‘why is this baby constantly crying?’, how disgusting of me. I am fully aware she is crying, and I am fully aware why! She wants my boob and unless I can walk with it hanging right out, with her attached to it, she won’t stop! Lovely Starbucks lady approaches me, gives me a bit of sympathy and understanding and offers to bring me my order. Massive kudos and respect to her. She clearly saw a young mother and believe me, stress was painted all over me. I could barely hear myself think. Her help calmed me down and I gathered myself, sat down and started nursing Theia. At that point, all I could think about was never leaving the house again without Tim. As I took the first sip of my Pumpkin Spice Latte, I felt incredible again. What a beverage!

We finished, we left, happy, fed and caffeinated. 10 minutes later, she opens her eyes and screams. I bump into Tims sister on my travels, stop for a chat and once again, I can barely hear my thoughts over the background noise that my child is creating. At that point, I can’t even leave because I know she will genuinely cry until we get home, and that’s a long walk. Last resort, I head for the baby change & feeding room. In the first place, I forgot it even existed. We sit down, 5 minutes later some woman is looking through the glass (why, why can you even do that?), aggressively pulling at the door. I’m thinking, what on earth!! Is somebody genuinely hating me today?! Is this some sort of karma from when I was 16 and bratty, coming back to bite me in the ass?

On a serious note, was I supposed to leave the doors unlocked? I don’t know these things, it’s my first child, so social etiquette is the last thing on my mind, I’m literally just WINGING IT!

I get up, boob out, babe eating, open the door and say ‘sorry, come in, I’m just feeding, but plenty of room for us all!’ and as you’d expect from British manners, two ladies start apologising, smiling and laughing. Alright love, you nearly broke the door a minute ago, because you felt I had no right to lock it, but hey.

Theia dozed off again, and I just thought F this, I’m out of here. Finished up, made my way home. I was exhausted. I swear I was fitter at 38 weeks pregnant, today I just fantasised about sitting down on the sofa and cuddling my baby. I reach Asda for a quick shop, Theia starts fussing and fussing turns into hysterical scream by self check out. I have no idea what this young girl is thinking, as she approaches me to tell me how lovely my baby is and asks me a billion questions. At that point I’m thinking LEAVE ME ALONEEEEE YOU NEEDY PUBLIC. A crying child is not a puppy! Don’t hold me up with your nonsense, let me go home and feed my child! Maybe your job is so boring that you feel the need to talk to people who came to mind their own business as they shop, but at that point unsociable me was in full control of my mind and especially my face, and I had no plans of entertaining anyone. I ran off and never looked back.

As I was walking through streets of Fratton, I thought ‘I will have a lot to say about today on my page’. I got inside, shut the door and what’s Theia doing? Completely and utterly sleeping. Yup, conked out. To sum it up and top it off, Timothy just got home and said ‘baby, are you trying to let people in?, what???? Oh yeah. I left the keys in the door. Brilliant.

Yours truly,

Miss Sawczuk 🎀