#multiple sclerosis cw

[dragqueenpentheus]

mmmm

[crispycreambacon]

It's the little blue guy himself!

[danepopfrippery]

[angryjojofrog]

"Will you take me out on a date after i recover?"

After TillT fell ill because the death of his mother, as well as the responsibility as the CEO, were too much to handle, Ascalpelus swore to visit him at the hospital every day to support him

At this point they both already knew they have feeling for each other but never verbalized it, despite flirting with each other and holding each other's hand

They did eventually go on a date as you can see :]

GIRLS!!!!

[michellemisfit]

It’s that time again… 🤷🏽‍♂️🛌💤

[ef-1]

within the measure of a day | june

[due4amiracle]

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?

You build up hope, but failure's all you've known Remember all the sadness and frustration And let it go Let it go

Well. That was an interesting swing about.

Tuesday - Appointment with my Psych. We started on a medicinal journey (or so he says). Dropped my Prozac and halved my Wellbutrin - and put me on Clomipramine. It's to help with my OCD, so hopefully. Hopefully it's good. Of course, of course, it's still in for a prior-auth with my insurance and, well. i was supposed to stop my Prozac. i started spiraling because of the next item on the list, and it only got worse. (i restarted the Prozac so things are looking back up. -_-)

The car - after my appointment, Sir went out to go do a little shopping and the car wouldn't start. It attempted to turn over, but it just didn't do anything. So we got into contact with the local auto shop and they said they'd come get it - Friday. Sigh. Which means they won't look at it until Monday.

Wednesday - TTRPG! We did Madoka things, it was lovely. Tbf it was only rolling dice for upgrades and whatnot, but still, it had been a month. So that was nice.

Thursday - i had a thing with my insurance (healthy home visit) that i did telehealth, so that was a thing. Granted, they called Two Hours Early but that's fine. That's fine. i just wasn't ready. >_< Had to scramble around for all my medicines so i could report them all (which is ridiculous considering they were attached to my insurance so they should just have a fucking list why am i repeating all of the things on your damn screen?????) Blargh.

Thursday was also my worst day, honestly. i was very deep in the muck and Sir and i had a misunderstanding but we figured things out. It was alright.

Friday nothing really happened, they came and got the car, that was about it.

Then today we did DnD and that was fun.

i read:

A Gathering of Shadows (Shades of Magic #2) V.E. Schwab - 3/5⭐ i enjoyed it quite a bit, the ending was very good.

Starter Villain by John Scalzi - 4.5/5⭐ SCALZI DOES IT AGAIN i love this book so much, it hits all the right notes!

Fireborne (The Aurelian Cycle #1) by Rosaria Munda 4/5⭐ THIS is the book i wanted Fourth Wing to be. It did everything right, things made sense, and oh fuck i can't wait to continue reading!

and am currently reading:

I Feed Her to the Beast and the Beast Is Me by Jamison Shea

[gwydionmisha]

CW: Child Abuse

[cyarskj1899]

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News

NEWS

Denver Sean

Angela Bassett, Niecy Nash, Sheryl Lee Ralph, and More Win Critics Choice Awards

January 15, 2023 7:40 PM PST

It’s another great night for Black women in entertainment winning awards they rightfully deserve!

The 28th Critics Choice Awards took place at the Fairmont Century Plaza Hotel in Los Angeles on Sunday night.

Chelsea Handler hosted the CW broadcast, taking over from actor Taye Diggs, who hosted the past four years of the awards ceremony.

Sheryl Lee Ralph took home the award for Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for ‘Abbott Elementary,’ Niecy Nash won Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series for ‘Dahmer,’ Angela Bassett won Best Supporting Actress, Ruth E. Carter won Best Costume Design for her work on ‘Wakanda Forever’ and Zendaya took home Best Actress in a Drama Series.

In a special honor, Janelle Monáe  received the #SeeHer award.

See the evening’s full list of winners below.

Best Picture

“Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

“Avatar: The Way of Water” (20th Century Studios)

“Babylon” (Paramount Pictures)

“The Banshees of Inisherin” (Searchlight Pictures)

“Elvis” (Warner Bros.)

“The Fabelmans” (Universal Pictures)

“Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery” (Netflix)

“RRR” (Variance Films)

“Tár” (Focus Features)

“Top Gun: Maverick” (Paramount Pictures)

“Women Talking” (MGM/United Artists Releasing)

Best Actress

Cate Blanchett – “Tár” (Focus Features)

Viola Davis – “The Woman King” (Sony Pictures)

Danielle Deadwyler – “Till” (Orion/United Artists Releasing)

Margot Robbie – “Babylon” (Paramount Pictures)

Michelle Williams – “The Fabelmans” (Universal Pictures)

Michelle Yeoh – “Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

Best Actor

Brendan Fraser – “The Whale” (A24)

Austin Butler – “Elvis” (Warner Bros.)

Tom Cruise – “Top Gun: Maverick” (Paramount Pictures)

Colin Farrell – “The Banshees of Inisherin” (Searchlight Pictures)

Paul Mescal – “Aftersun” (A24)

Bill Nighy – “Living” (Sony Pictures Classics)

Best Director

Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert – “Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

James Cameron – “Avatar: The Way of Water” (20th Century Studios)

Damien Chazelle – “Babylon” (Paramount Pictures)

Todd Field – “Tár” (Focus Features)

Baz Luhrmann – “Elvis” (Warner Bros.)

Martin McDonagh – “The Banshees of Inisherin” (Searchlight Pictures)

Sarah Polley – “Women Talking” (MGM/United Artists Releasing)

Gina Prince-Bythewood – “The Woman King” (Sony Pictures)

S.S. Rajamouli – “RRR” (Variance Films)

Steven Spielberg – “The Fabelmans” (Universal Pictures)

Best Limited Series

“The Dropout” (Hulu)

“Gaslit” (Starz)

“The Girl from Plainville” (Hulu)

“The Offer” (Paramount+)

“Pam & Tommy” (Hulu)

“Station Eleven” (HBO Max)

“This Is Going to Hurt” (AMC+)

“Under the Banner of Heaven” (FX)

Best Drama Series

“Better Call Saul” (AMC)

“Andor” (Disney+)

“Bad Sisters” (Apple TV+)

“The Crown” (Netflix)

“Euphoria” (HBO)

“The Good Fight” (Paramount+)

“House of the Dragon” (HBO)

“Severance” (Apple TV+)

“Yellowstone” (Paramount Network)

Best Young Actor/Actress

Gabriel LaBelle – “The Fabelmans” (Universal Pictures)

Frankie Corio – “Aftersun” (A24)

Jalyn Hall – “Till” (Orion/United Artists Releasing)

Bella Ramsey – “Catherine Called Birdy” (Amazon Studios)

Banks Repeta – “Armageddon Time” (Focus Features)

Sadie Sink – “The Whale” (A24)

Best Comedy

“Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery” (Netflix)

“The Banshees of Inisherin” (Searchlight Pictures)

“Bros” (Universal Pictures)

“Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

“Triangle of Sadness” (Neon)

“The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent” (Lionsgate)

Best Acting Ensemble

“Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery” (Netflix)

“The Banshees of Inisherin” (Searchlight Pictures)

“Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

“The Fabelmans” (Universal Pictures)

“The Woman King” (Sony Pictures)

“Women Talking” (MGM/United Artists Releasing)

Best Talk Show

“Last Week Tonight with John Oliver” (HBO)

“The Amber Ruffin Show” (Peacock)

“Full Frontal with Samantha Bee” (TBS)

“The Kelly Clarkson Show” (Syndicated)

“Late Night with Seth Meyers” (NBC)

“Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen” (Bravo)

Best Comedy Special

“Norm Macdonald: Nothing Special” (Netflix)

“Fortune Feimster: Good Fortune” (Netflix)

“Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel” (HBO)

“Joel Kim Booster: Psychosexual” (Netflix)

“Nikki Glaser: Good Clean Filth” (HBO)

“Would It Kill You to Laugh? Starring Kate Berlant & John Early” (Peacock)

Best Foreign Language Series

“Pachinko” (Apple TV+)

“1899” (Netflix)

“Borgen” (Netflix)

“Extraordinary Attorney Woo” (Netflix)

“Garcia!” (HBO Max)

“The Kingdom Exodus” (MUBI)

“Kleo” (Netflix)

“My Brilliant Friend” (HBO)

“Tehran” (Apple TV+)

Best Animated Series

“Harley Quinn” (HBO Max)

“Bluey” (Disney+)

“Bob’s Burgers” (Fox)

“Genndy Tartakovsky’s Primal” (Adult Swim)

“Star Trek: Lower Decks” (Paramount+)

“Undone” (Prime Video)

Best Movie Made for Television

“Weird: The Al Yankovic Story” (The Roku Channel)

“Fresh” (Hulu)

“Prey” (Hulu)

“Ray Donovan: The Movie” (Showtime)

“The Survivor” (HBO)

“Three Months” (Paramount+)

Best Actress in a Drama Series

Zendaya – “Euphoria” (HBO)

Christine Baranski – “The Good Fight” (Paramount+)

Sharon Horgan – “Bad Sisters” (Apple TV+)

Laura Linney – “Ozark” (Netflix)

Mandy Moore – “This Is Us” (NBC)

Kelly Reilly – “Yellowstone” (Paramount Network)

Best Actor in a Drama Series

Bob Odenkirk – “Better Call Saul” (AMC)

Jeff Bridges – “The Old Man” (FX)

Sterling K. Brown – “This Is Us” (NBC)

Diego Luna – “Andor” (Disney+)

Adam Scott – “Severance” (Apple TV+)

Antony Starr – “The Boys” (Prime Video)

Best Hair and Makeup

“Elvis” (Warner Bros.)

“Babylon” (Paramount Pictures)

“The Batman” (Warner Bros.)

“Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” (Marvel Studios)

“Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

“The Whale” (A24)

Best Visual Effects

“Avatar: The Way of Water” (20th Century Studios)

“The Batman” (Warner Bros.)

“Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” (Marvel Studios)

“Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

“RRR” (Variance Films)

“Top Gun: Maverick” (Paramount Pictures)

Best Editing

Paul Rogers – “Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

Stephen Rivkin, David Brenner, John Refoua, James Cameron – “Avatar: The Way of Water” (20th Century Studios)

Tom Cross – “Babylon” (Paramount Pictures)

Matt Villa, Jonathan Redmond – “Elvis” (Warner Bros.)

Monika Willi – “Tár” (Focus Features)

Eddie Hamilton – “Top Gun: Maverick” (Paramount Pictures)

Best Production Design 

Florencia Martin, Anthony Carlino – “Babylon” (Paramount Pictures)

Dylan Cole, Ben Procter, Vanessa Cole – “Avatar: The Way of Water” (20th Century Studios)

Hannah Beachler, Lisa K. Sessions – “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” (Marvel Studios)

Catherine Martin, Karen Murphy, Bev Dunn – “Elvis” (Warner Bros.)

Jason Kisvarday, Kelsi Ephraim – “Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

Rick Carter, Karen O’Hara – “The Fabelmans” (Universal Pictures)

Best Cinematography

Claudio Miranda – “Top Gun: Maverick” (Paramount Pictures)

Russell Carpenter – “Avatar: The Way of Water” (20th Century Studios)

Linus Sandgren – “Babylon” (Paramount Pictures)

Roger Deakins – “Empire of Light” (Searchlight Pictures)

Janusz Kaminski – “The Fabelmans” (Universal Pictures)

Florian Hoffmeister – “Tár” (Focus Features)

Best Comedy Series

“Abbott Elementary” (ABC)

“Barry” (HBO)

“The Bear” (FX)

“Better Things” (FX)

“Ghosts” (CBS)

“Hacks” (HBO Max)

“Reboot” (Hulu)

“Reservation Dogs” (FX)

Best Actress in a Comedy Series

Jean Smart – “Hacks” (HBO Max)

Christina Applegate – “Dead to Me” (Netflix)

Quinta Brunson – “Abbott Elementary” (ABC)

Kaley Cuoco – “The Flight Attendant” (HBO Max)

Renée Elise Goldsberry – “Girls5eva” (Peacock)

Devery Jacobs – “Reservation Dogs” (FX)

Best Actor in a Comedy Series

Jeremy Allen White – “The Bear” (FX)

Matt Berry – “What We Do in the Shadows” (FX)

Bill Hader – “Barry” (HBO)

Keegan-Michael Key – “Reboot” (Hulu)

Steve Martin – “Only Murders in the Building” (Hulu)

D’Pharaoh Woon-A-Tai – “Reservation Dogs” (FX)

#SeeHer Award Janelle Monáe Lifetime Achievement Award Jeff Bridges

Best Animated Feature

“Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio” (Netflix)

“Marcel the Shell with Shoes On” (A24)

“Puss in Boots: The Last Wish” (DreamWorks Animation)

“Turning Red” (Pixar)

“Wendell & Wild” (Netflix)

Best Actor in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television

Daniel Radcliffe – “Weird: The Al Yankovic Story” (The Roku Channel)

Ben Foster – “The Survivor” (HBO)

Andrew Garfield – “Under the Banner of Heaven” (FX)

Samuel L. Jackson – “The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey” (Apple TV+)

Sebastian Stan – “Pam & Tommy” (Hulu)

Ben Whishaw – “This is Going to Hurt” (AMC+)

Best Costume Design

Ruth E. Carter – “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” (Marvel Studios)

Mary Zophres – “Babylon” (Paramount Pictures)

Catherine Martin – “Elvis” (Warner Bros.)

Shirley Kurata – “Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

Jenny Eagan – “Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery” (Netflix)

Gersha Phillips – “The Woman King” (Sony Pictures)

Best Song

“Naatu Naatu” – “RRR” (Variance Films)

“Lift Me Up” – “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” (Marvel Studios)

“Ciao Papa” – “Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio” (Netflix)

“Hold My Hand” – “Top Gun: Maverick” (Paramount Pictures)

“Carolina” – “Where the Crawdads Sing” (Sony Pictures)

“New Body Rhumba” – “White Noise” (Netflix)

Best Score

Hildur Guðnadóttir – “Tár” (Focus Features)

Michael Giacchino – “The Batman” (Warner Bros.)

Justin Hurwitz – “Babylon” (Paramount Pictures)

John Williams – “The Fabelmans” (Universal Pictures)

Alexandre Desplat – “Guillermo del Toro’s Pinocchio” (Netflix)

Hildur Guðnadóttir – “Women Talking” (MGM/United Artists Releasing)

Best Original Screenplay

Daniel Kwan, Daniel Scheinert – “Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

Charlotte Wells – “Aftersun” (A24)

Martin McDonagh – “The Banshees of Inisherin” (Searchlight Pictures)

Steven Spielberg, Tony Kushner – “The Fabelmans” (Universal Pictures)

Todd Field – “Tár” (Focus Features)

Best Adapted Screenplay

Sarah Polley – “Women Talking” (MGM/United Artists Releasing)

Rian Johnson – “Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery” (Netflix)

Kazuo Ishiguro – “Living” (Sony Pictures Classics)

Rebecca Lenkiewicz – “She Said” (Universal Pictures)

Samuel D. Hunter – “The Whale” (A24)

Best Supporting Actress

Angela Bassett – “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever” (Marvel Studios)

Jessie Buckley – “Women Talking” (MGM/United Artists Releasing)

Kerry Condon – “The Banshees of Inisherin” (Searchlight Pictures)

Jamie Lee Curtis – “Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

Stephanie Hsu – “Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

Janelle Monáe – “Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery” (Netflix)

Best Supporting Actor

Ke Huy Quan – “Everything Everywhere All at Once” (A24)

Paul Dano – “The Fabelmans” (Universal Pictures)

Brendan Gleeson – “The Banshees of Inisherin” (Searchlight Pictures)

Judd Hirsch – “The Fabelmans” (Searchlight Pictures)

Barry Keoghan – “The Banshees of Inisherin” (Searchlight Pictures)

Brian Tyree Henry – “Causeway” (A24/Apple Original Films)

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Henry Winkler – “Barry” (HBO)

Brandon Scott Jones – “Ghosts” (CBS)

Leslie Jordan – “Call Me Kat” (Fox)

James Marsden – “Dead to Me” (Netflix)

Chris Perfetti – “Abbott Elementary” (ABC)

Tyler James Williams – “Abbott Elementary” (ABC)

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Sheryl Lee Ralph – “Abbott Elementary” (ABC)

Paulina Alexis – “Reservation Dogs” (FX)

Ayo Edebiri – “The Bear” (FX)

Marcia Gay Harden – “Uncoupled” (Netflix)

Janelle James – “Abbott Elementary” (ABC)

Annie Potts – “Young Sheldon” (CBS)

Best Supporting Actor in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television

Paul Walter Hauser – “Black Bird” (Apple TV+)

Murray Bartlett – “Welcome to Chippendales” (Hulu)

Domhnall Gleeson – “The Patient” (FX)

Matthew Goode – “The Offer” (Paramount+)

Ray Liotta – “Black Bird” (Apple TV+)

Shea Whigham – “Gaslit” (Starz)

Best Supporting Actress in a Limited Series or Movie Made for Television

Niecy Nash-Betts – “Dahmer – Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story” (Netflix)

Claire Danes – “Fleishman Is in Trouble” (FX)

Dominique Fishback – “The Last Days of Ptolemy Grey” (Apple TV+)

Betty Gilpin – “Gaslit” (Starz)

Melanie Lynskey – “Candy” (Hulu)

Juno Temple – “The Offer” (Paramount+)

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

Giancarlo Esposito – “Better Call Saul” (AMC)

Andre Braugher – “The Good Fight” (Paramount+)

Ismael Cruz Córdova – “The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power” (Prime Video)

Michael Emerson – “Evil” (Paramount+)

John Lithgow – “The Old Man” (FX)

Matt Smith – “House of the Dragon” (HBO)

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Jennifer Coolidge – “The White Lotus” (HBO)

Milly Alcock – “House of the Dragon” (HBO)

Carol Burnett – “Better Call Saul” (AMC)

Julia Garner – “Ozark” (Netflix)

Audra McDonald – “The Good Fight” (Paramount+)

Rhea Seehorn – “Better Call Saul” (AMC)

Best Foreign Language Film

“RRR” (Variance Films)

“All Quiet on the Western Front” (Netflix)

“Argentina, 1985” (Amazon Studios)

“Bardo, False Chronicle of a Handful of Truths” (Netflix)

“Close” (A24)

“Decision to Leave” (Mubi)

Best Actress in a Limited Series or Movie Made For Television

Amanda Seyfried – The Dropout (Hulu)

Julia Garner – “Inventing Anna” (Netflix)

Lily James – “Pam & Tommy” (Hulu)

Amber Midthunder – “Prey” (Hulu)

Julia Roberts – “Gaslit” (Starz)

Michelle Pfeiffer – “The First Lady” (Showtime)

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[college-girl199328]

The red carpet walk at the Choice Awards will be a special one. The Dead to Me star, 51, who won best actress in a comedy series at the awards ceremony, shared that the show will be the first she's attended since she revealed in 2021 that she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS).

She thanked everyone for the nomination in another tweet the day before! I have been a proud member of this union since 1975. I've had an incredibly hard year, and today this made me smile. Much love to my peers and to my sweet friend Jean Smart and the other incredible ladies I walk beside.

This year marks her third Choice Award nomination and her third time being nominated for her performance as Jen Harding in Dead to Me. The Netflix series follows the dysfunctional friendship that blossoms between Jen, a widowed real estate agent, and Judy (Linda Cardellini), the eccentric woman she meets in a grief support group. After premiering in 2019, the show returned for its third and final season last year, following a delay due to the COVID-19 pandemic.

Cardellini, 47, praised her co-star as she spoke to PEOPLE on the red carpet of the season 3 premiere in November, noting that it was her decision to continue working through her diagnosis, even though she had every right not to.

Applegate has not let her diagnosis keep her from getting back out there. In October, she shared a photo of some fancy walking stick options for her first event since MS, writing that the objects were now part of my new normal.

The Married with Children alum was later honoured with a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in November. Although she noted that she couldn't stand for too long, Applegate made light of her diagnosis in her heartfelt speech.

Applegate has faced other health concerns in the past, including a breast cancer diagnosis in 2008, followed by a double mastectomy; getting her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed due to the BRCA1 gene mutation in 2017; having surgery-induced menopause in 2018; and experiencing struggles with insomnia. The 28th Annual Choice Awards will be held on Sunday, Jan. 15, 2023, with comedian Chelsea Handler hosting the ceremony live on The CW from the Fairmont Century Plaza in Los Angeles at 7 p.m. Eastern time.

[honey-tree-evil-eye]

[cleoselene]

With Florida careening toward a probably explosion of this virus, I want to make things clear, guys.

If I contract this virus and it gets bad, I don’t intend to go to the hospital.  I am severely ill.  I have had a migraine nearly every day, nonstop for six months.  I am disabled.  My kind are being denied care and given pain medicine for comfort.  As much as I love pain medicine, I am not going to go somewhere and be told my life is worth less.  I already know it is.  I read stories every day how the disabled are passed over for care in favorite of the able-bodied.

My health is fragile.  Extremely.  I am very compromised, very vulnerable to infection.  If it gets bad.  I’m not sticking around.  Permanently.  It’s not about mental healthy.  It’s about enduring the upper limits of my ability to withstand pain.  I know enough of this disease to know it is like living alone in health.  I don’t plan to go that way, not on top of migraine pain and MS pain.  I’ll stop things before it gets that bad.  

This has nothing to do with mental health.  This is about my people (the disabled community) being declared unworthy of treatment and this is about the fact that I literally cannot physically endure any more pain.  I cry all day.  All day.  Because of the pain.  This is when I’m not vomiting from the pain.  Or sleeping so I don’t have to be aware of it.

I want to go on my own terms.

Suffocating from pneumonia on respirator while migraines ravage my body because my governor and the clown in the Oval Office are responsible?

That ain’t me babe.

[skybound2]

An update on me

*waves* Hello out there tumblr. Last we spoke I briefly mentioned some annoying MS related troubles that are part of the reason I haven't been around as much lately, and said that there would be more on that later. Well it's later, and I feel like whining, so here's an update.

I've spent the last few weeks dealing with some pretty annoying dysthesia in my hands (and parasthesia in other parts of my body like my torso, face, and feet/legs) thanks to the current MS flare both my doctor and I think I'm having (I finally went and got my MRIs this week, so once those are reviewed we will know more). Here's an incomplete list of the things I currently HATE TO TOUCH thanks to the dysthesia:

My hair

Papertowels

Anything but the absolute SOFEST of soft towels

Anything with "easy gripping/anti-slip" ridges on it, such as: pens, my work cellphone case, my steering wheel...

Jeans

Wood handles (like on my kitchen baking utensils)

My PS4 controller

My laptop keyboard

Beyond THAT I just don't like to hold/touch things for very long atm. And FORGOT about scratching an itch!

Basically, the feeling in my hands is a cross between a constant sensation of "pins and needles"/"being asleep" and a constant sensation of a recently burned area of skin that is starting to heal, where the skin is just tight and sensitive and prickly and in need of being submerged in cold water. (Which DOES feel nice actually! Unlike lukewarm or hot water, which is about as pleasant as a hot tub on the sun.)

So... Yeah. Fun!

Despite all of that, I DID manage to get some baking done this morning. (I wasn't sure how I'd feel about touching dough, and I can confidently say that it's not the worst!) But because I wasn't feeling Experimental, all I made was some scones. So here's a pic of my Lemon Rosemary scones, and my Orange Chocolate Walnut scones. Both of which are yum 😊😊

ALSO, I'm on day 40 of daily German Practice on Duolingo!! And I gotta say, for a person such as myself? That leaderboard incentive is an EXCELLENT way to keep me practicing regularly! So, thanks Duolingo!

[irresponsible-masochist]

Today was A Day.

My hands. My fucking hands, I hate them. I hate the numbness and tingling and pins and needles and the inability to hold things without dropping them and fucking shaking that makes me want to binge eat...

Let me explain that last one: I did the EDNOS Tango for more than a fucking decade and at the peak of my “I will not eat until I pass out and then I will eat enough to feed three humans and not again for another 3 days” stage, I would get the reactive hypoglycemia that came with not eating; when I am having A Day and I am shaky and unsteady, there is a part of my brain that thinks that that’s what’s happening and I just need to eat until the shaking stops. And I’m over here like “that’s not how it works, brain, this shaking is going to be happening on and off forever, but you got the spirit. Thanks for that, I guess.”

It has been A Day. And I have hated it.

I really hope that whatever treatment I get on helps even a little because I hate days like these.

[due4amiracle]

Day 197

Listo:

Wash 2 plates/bowls/pieces of silverware, 2 chapters, Dailies, Vamp shiz, 2 anime eps.

Wash 2 plates/bowls/pieces of silverware - Thursdays are day off day. 🚫

2 chapters - i am up to chapter 4. i just keep reading. This puts me at 16% done, which... honestly breaks my heart a little, because the faster i read it, the deeper i get, the quicker it’ll be done, and i don’t want it to be done - honestly this is my favorite series and i just... i want it to last forever. Mercedes is a blessing. ✔

Dailies - Waifu Did my dailies, worked on teapot sets! FFXIV +1 -> 42 Doot dooted around in the new zone. ✔✔

Vamp shiz -  Basically closed the scene - that counts for something...right? ...right?! 🚫

2 anime eps - 🚫

Other things - EXU! Today is EXU day and hoboy did i love this episode?! But...

And this is where the cw comes in, if you’re not up for it, tab away, i understand. i just... need to record it. This is my blog after all...

During the episode, i was checking facebook and... found that Sir’s grandfather had passed. Sir was having a good time, enjoying EXU and... i didn’t want to ruin that. i needed to piddle, so i had Sir escort me, considering i’m on steroids and i... wander occasionally. But... i got caught in a loop of “i have to tell Him, i can’t tell Him” and... scratching at my arm with my thumb nail, while He was in the kitchen. It didn’t... it didn’t stop. i didn’t realize what i was doing, until i felt...liquid. and i panicked, of course, and hated myself, because i just ruined everything and now i HAVE to tell Him and... He understood. He was... prepared for this, the passing, because His grandfather had had a bad heart forever, and honestly it was only a matter of time. i felt so much guilt for not being able to get Him that final phone call, but He’s ok. i’m not, i’m a wreck because of what i’ve done. Sir cleaned it, bandaged it, and... it’ll have to do for now.

And then our internet went out. Cool.

Food: A Liquid: A Pain: D Brain: F

Tomorrow: Wash 2 plates/bowls/pieces of silverware, 2 chapters, Dailies, Vamp shiz, 2 anime eps.

Ever Onwards and Upwards!

[msisabitch]

April 24, 2018

Hey guys, I know it’s been a while... This isn’t entirely MS related, but I felt this was the best place to put it all down. I’d been taking Anti-Anxiety medication for about 3 months now, and yesterday was the first day I didn’t take any (My prescription ran out and I hadn’t had the chance to refill) So I wanted to talk to you about the downward spiral I felt last night...

Drowning, Crushed, Stabbed exactly 7 times, Smothered, and Having all the air pulled from my lungs..

That’s the 5 ways I decided I wanted to die last night. I didn’t care which option was chosen for me, but I wanted it to happen. That is, that’s how it felt, but I knew of sound mind that it was just the depression talking.

Despite the cynical name of this blog, I’m a pretty positive, optimistic person. I try to see the best of every situation, and I feel no need to worry about petty things. However, last night I absolutely wanted my life to end. Not by of my own decision or will, but of someone else’s, anyone else’s. 

Let’s start from the beginning (sorta)...

I was driving to a restaurant after work to meet up with co-workers/boss to have a pseudo-meeting whilst also eating dinner, mostly company paid. It was pouring rain (As it does in Florida), and I was being as cautious as I possibly could. When I needed to cross the street via median divide, my brakes couldn’t handle the slick, wet roads as I skidded like a skipping stone, nearly into oncoming traffic. I thankfully steered my car towards the median, which absorbed some of the “impact”. That alone was scary and stressful. 

Anywho, dinner goes fine and we’re all enjoying our food, then it’s time to go. I hop in my car, weary of the drive ahead of me. I contemplated leaving my car and taking an Uber (”No, I can’t do that, I’m too broke right now”), maybe get the roommate to pick me up (”No, he’s out of town for a funeral”) and maybe even just driving back to work (3-5 min drive) and just waiting it out (”But it’s already 9:30pm”)

Despite the hesitations and fear, I went along and headed home. It was only a 10 minute drive, but it felt like eternity. I made sure to be no less than two car lengths apart from everyone, and even kept an eye on where I could swerve if, God forbid, my brakes gave out again. Thankfully I made it home with no real danger or impacts. 

Now at home, I’m greeted by my dear partner. We say hello, gently vent about our days, and then settle into our nightly routine of YouTube or separate video games.  

Now that I’ve settled in, no longer muddled by distractions of work, driving, or whathaveyou, it settles in. The existential dread.

What if this is how I’ve always been? Maybe the meds just make me pretend I’m fine.

No that’s nonsense, that’s the depression talking. You’ll be fine tomorrow.

But what if I’m not? What if this is who I am?

The thoughts swarmed and nagged and poked and prodded into my subconcious. each sinking thought shoving further down the rabbit hole.

What if you fucked things up with [name]? What if you’ll never be able to recover from that friendship? 

What if [name] is only talking to you out of obligation, or worse, pity. 

What if you’re not a likeable person?

What if you’re not even desirable?

Obviously you can’t be, look at yourself you’re a fucking mess.

I always say I’ve made friends with my inner demons, but I guess they’re just backstabbers. 

More and more I was swirling, falling, recoiling into myself. I couldn’t move, I was frozen with dread. Finally I decided to take a step forward and try to be proactive of the situation. 

“Hey babe, where’s the pipe?”

I huffed and inhaled as much as I could, trying to drown the demons that wanted to drown me. That was a big mistake (That I don’t entirely regret) While yes, I became numb to the comments, they only increased in volume and severity. 

I feel like I could die right now, and that’d be okay.

How would I want to go though?

Drowning sounds nice, that’s how I feel right now anyway.

The thought would linger off, still swimming in my remorse. Then it’d come back

You know, being stabbed 7 times.. it’d be pretty liberating.

Hush demons, I know your tricks. None of this is actually true, be quiet.

I take another puff

Ooo, what about just soffocating? What if you just stopped breathing right now?

Puff. Puff. 

Oh! Or we could just choke on something.. like that drink. That’d be nice, it’d be like suffocating AND drowning. 

Oh great, now we’re back to drowning

Imagine feeling your lungs fill with fluid, that’d be dreamy.. it’d be like a nice hot bath inside yourself.

I start to notice what’s going on, ableit a bit late. I cuddle up to my partner, unable to really verbalize what I’m going through, only signalling through whines and whimpers. Unknowing of my situation, he extends his hand for me to clutch onto. Good, now I’m grounded in a reality. 

Man, I could sure use a blanket.. or someone to hold me... hell, I could really use just some pressure placed on me.. maybe be crushed, even.

Oh boy, here we go. Puff.

I pull myself out of this trance as best as I can, enough to scream for help as best as I could, via social media. A post about needing some cuddles on Facebook, and a flagrant “LOL IM DEPRESSED” post on Snapchat. Yea, that’ll help. Only, it’s 1AM now.

I finally pull myself from the couch, arms folded and tucked against my body as if I’m protecting myself from some unstoppable force. I brush my teeth, then lay down for bed. I asked my partner to accompany me, as I was finally able to relay that I hadn’t taken my pills. He understands my need for them, and despite being inconvenienced, agrees to accompany me (He’s an insomniac).

We lay in bed, in the dark as I always do, and he offers his body for me to cling to, and I do. I bury my face into him, whimpering to myself as I listen to the demons some more.

Drowning, suffocating, being crushed.. c’mon, pick your option.. there’s always being stabbed, or maybe just sucking the air out of your lungs. It’s just like stretching your limbs

I whine more, and ask him to embrace me, I wanted to feel his body against mine, the weight of it, to try to ground myself again to reality. It almost worked. I start to dwell more on previous fuck ups, and insecurities.

You fucked it up with [name]. You always fuck it up. You get too close, then you overstep your boundaries, and you fuck it all up. Good job you piece of worthless human being garbage.

I break into light tears, curling up more against my partner before coming to terms that he cannot help me. This is a battle I need to fight myself. I tell him he can go, that I’ll be okay (I lied). He leaves me in the darkness by myself, and as I snuggled up to my stuffed animal sloth (His name is Patrick Stump, google it) I cry until I don’t feel the need to anymore. At some point, I finally fell asleep. I think it was 6 AM.. I’m not sure, it was all blur, to be honest.

The next day, I’m doing a bit better, but I see how deep the rabbit hole I’ve gone. I explain to my friends on FB that I post about my mental illness to break the stigma, which is also why I’m writing this.

To anyone out there who has these thoughts, you are not alone. Depression and suicidal thoughts are the absolute fucking worse. But you’re not alone. Please remember this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE   Don’t ever think no one is listening. Please reach out to someone, even if it’s a vague facebook post.

 I cannot thank my friends enough, those who saw my cry for help, and provided me with something to look at. For anyone close to me who is reading this, I assure you, I am not and will not harm myself. I will not take my own life, ever. If not for myself, for everyone else. I know myself well enough to know when it’s the depression talking, or when it’s a real problem. My partner knows I suffer with these illnesses, and does an amazing job supporting and helping me. Thank you all for reading this post, have a wonderful day. (Also please dear god take your pills)