#much more 'guilty' of liking said person
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no youre completely right - im a gay (trans)man and i legit wanna see so much more about the women bc There Is So Little. I wanna make a lesbian oc who gets bent in half by taash. im very normal.
i’m just tired man!!!! it feels so obvious how disproportionate it is when you’ve got. a cast of characters that we know almost equally little about. and a few of them explode in popularity and it’s like spongebob sticking his hand out the curtain. literally all a character needs to do numbers is to be a light-skinned man
#like you bring up taash!! we know equally little abt taash and emmrich. why is one FUCKING EVERYWHERE and i’m like. scrounging for scraps#sometimes i feel like there has to be a secret other main dragon age tag that has the real stuff in it#but maybe it’s just the tumblr userbase idfk#i feel like i’ve seen a little bit more of neve since the trailer but still not anything on the level as everyone’s fave boys#and before you hit me with ‘lucanis was in a couple short stories’ harding was in the literal entire last game. and she and neve had comics#there’s obviously something to be said about character types too. a lot of people love dark and broody#vs harding keeps getting described as Girl Next Door and that’s much less popular. fine i’m not going to argue abt individual tastes#but like. neve isn’t popping off??? on the columbo fansite????#everyone’s talking about emmrich’s experiments and research but no one talks about bellara’s??#like personally. ok. lesbian opinion so take that for what it’s worth. but i don’t understand all the lucanis thirst#davrin i could understand. davrin can get it. he gets way fewer thirstposts than the other men (hmmm interesting im sure it’s nothing 🙃)#i’m just like. tired. i don’t want to say people can’t enjoy what they’re excited about#but it adds up!#i feel guilty complaining when i am also not doing a lot of Female Character Poasting but like#there’s only so much i can do as someone who can’t draw and has been too busy to keep on top of all the breaking news
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okay to those of you who saw my last rb and care about my stupid guilty gear au. i NEED to rant right now. Massive long winded about bedkari (aka bedman x hikari, my stupid ship that’s part of reverie of rebirth) under the cut. Be warned they’re so toxic yuri
i just realized. The cornered pray analogy exactly how the dynamic between Romeo and Hikari is. The lamb preparing for their slaughter specifically is. Exactly them. But the thing is… The roles are swapped in a way.
Romeo, of course, has sheep elements. Those are a huge part of his design- Even in his canon story as well. He’s a lamb being led by a shepherd. He’s naively being led along by Ariels, she calms him when he rebels or lashes out against her, and she led him all the way to his eventual slaughter. He’s the lamb.
But with Hikari, he gets to be the shepherd.
Hikari is a yokai. She’s powerful. I wrote her to be powerful on purpose. She could be fatally wounded and survive, not even batting an eye due to her lack of pain receptors. Which she does. Right when she first meets Romeo. He tries to kill her, and yet she’s unfazed. She doesn’t care. She didn’t feel anything, and she knows she wants to be near him no matter what. All that’s important is pleasing him.
Basically all Hikari knows is Romeo. When she first met him and emotionally latched onto him, she had only recently awoken and still had all her emotions. All her emotions were developed around Romeo’s guidance and treatment of her, which basically just meant being his little assistant, aiding in his war crimes, and associating joy with his slightly harsh treatment.
All Hikari knows is showing her neck and stomach to Romeo.
When comparing the specific animal motifs of both Romeo and Hikari, it’s really fun to see the contrast. Hikari has the designs element of the predator animal, while Romeo has motifs of the prey. However, those roles are swapped in terms of their behavior. Romeo is abrasive and only begins to show care towards his yokai companion after months in his presence, while said companion innocently follows his commands and accepts anything he throws her way- Naively believing every word he says like it’s gospel. A little cat blindly loving the cruel shepherd. It’s a beautiful parallel that honestly was not intentional.
The sheep bares its teeth and bites into the neck of the two-tailed cat.
#cyrambles#reverie of rebirth au#oc: hikari#guilty gear oc#bedman guilty gear#<— sure i’ll tag this with his main tag. i’m feeling brave today#when you add ariels and happy chaos into this whole dynamic too it becomes even more fascinating too#it’s almost like a food chain but for people with godlike powers#hikari’s at the bottom. innocently following whatever bedman says to do#basically letting her emotions form skewed and unhealthily centered around romeo just because she loves him so much#above her is romeo. cynical and sadistic and yet still manipulated by ariels#all he wanted was safety for himself and his sister and he was unfortunately taken advantage of by the person he opened up to#above him is ariels. the universal will. the true shepherd. going along calmly until it’s finally time for the slaughter of her dear sheep#and at the very top is chaos. the horrid blue man#he controlled ariels to the highest degree. laying dormant in her until he decided he could put everything in motion#in a way. he probably planned all of this#anyways on a note that isn’t me getting philosophical about a japanese fighting game#bedkari is toxic yuri#they are. my friend and i said so (this is a heterosexual relationship)
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im really sorry if this question ends up being repetitive: but, if not for bruce’s over reliance on dick to regulate his thoughts and emotions, why would dick grow up into feeling like he needs to repress his emotions so much and his eagerness to act as people’s support? i know youve spoken about wolfman and his altering of their relationship but if ntt is generally an accurate portrayal of an adult dick, to me this nevertheless sounds like the consequences a parent-child relationship where the responsibilities are titled too much towards the child
i suppose this could also segue into asking for recs that would help me better understand your interpretation of their relationship 👀
not repetitive at all! to me the irony of wolfman's depiction of dick lies in that it is simultaneously something you can logically ascertain from prior canon but not for the reasons actually presented by wolfman. if that makes sense. he does extra work that isn't actually necessary to help explain why dick would act the way that he does because there's plenty of reasons for it without rewriting his history with bruce to have always been suppressed and edgy and dark. to me it makes far more sense to capitalize on the inevitable disconnect between bruce and dick as an adult and a child. batman: full circle is a good example of that dichotomy (and although it was published in the early 90s it built on mike w. barr's prior understanding of the relationship between dick and bruce that he wrote into the early 80s). bruce's primary concern for the people he works with is never standards or finesse but safety. he worries constantly about others coming to harm under his watch and with a child in particular those worries were exacerbated. he ran a tight ship not because he believed dick had anything to prove but because the only way dick could keep being robin was if he went about it safely. that was obv easy for an adult to understand. but not so much for a child
to bruce these worries were practical and par for the course (as well as an expression of his love and protectiveness) but for dick their consequences formed the crux of his entire world. as a child he idolized everything about bruce. his heroism. his work ethic. his skill. his resolve. his preparedness. if dick couldn't live up to the standard he set for himself in idolizing bruce then what could he ever hope to amount to? that was the thought constantly going through his head. and it's why the bulk of his childhood and primary tenure as bruce's partner was so precariously protected by the fact that nothing bad ever really happened during it (and admittedly this framing is convenient because even chronologically speaking nothing very significant happened in their history with each other until dick left for university in 1969) (i know dixon opted to write that whole shtick with dent in his version of events but personally i never found it necessary to do so). there is enough there in the idea of dick working hard for the course of a decade to embody who he believed bruce to be that lends itself to it eventually being difficult for him to healthily express himself once the rift between them actually began to emerge
because what about bruce was there to actually see that was broken and dark before dick became an adult? i know a lot of dick fans hate batman #408 because they don't like that it enforced "retirement" upon dick (which i personally believe is a conclusion they come to because of the way batman #416 re-framed the same scene) but to me that's an inaccurate reading of the text. batman #408 was about bruce (admittedly far too belatedly) recognizing that he could not in good conscience continue to ask dick to go out and be a vigilante on what he considered to be his own "orders". he viewed dick's close call with death at the hands of the joker as something directly of his own making. although their tenure with each other had been wonderful if dick wanted to continue to be a vigilante it had to be on his own terms and of his own volition. obv that was logical to bruce and it was something dick managed to accept in the moment. but it's still hard to go from always having a purpose alongside someone you idolized to finally being entrusted entirely to forge your own
in general i like the idea of dick the adult becoming privy to all of the personal problems and conflicts that come with being a vigilante. he was conveniently shielded from a lot of those problems as a child because all he had to do was be bruce's partner and hope to live up to the title. bruce had no reason to trauma dump on him or talk about his worries and concerns at length with him because it was never supposed to be dick's job to field those worries and concerns in the first place. he was a child. the only thing bruce wanted to do was to help channel his emotions through an outlet and provide him with a home to grow up in. but when you become an adult often that dynamic shifts. you're still not responsible for fielding those worries and concerns but you can perhaps be trusted with them. that's why i like the framing in batman #408 of dick now being a man. it's a subtle way to frame the double-edged sword of adulthood. the world is in your hands now but so will be the horrors that come with it. coming to terms with the real world that bruce lives in should be hard for dick. coming to terms with who bruce is when he's not perfect should be hard. coming to terms with how quietly bruce kept his grief because he did not see fit to overwhelm a child with it should be hard. that dichotomy of dick both wanting to be bruce's brother and his son should form the crux of their conflict with each other because you can't hope to be someone's equal and someone's protected at the same time in that kind of relationship. for dick to transition into the position of equal he has to expose himself to the fact that bruce is not in fact an idol but someone irrevocably human. and that should interfere significantly with his head and his own standards for himself
#all of this to say. i don't think it's so much about pre-ntt canon directly predicating ntt-dick's characterization#like it's not these events happened in the 60s and 70s so that's why he acts this way in the 80s#it's more the opposite. because these things Didn't happen in the 60s and 70s. that's why being on his own in the 80s is hard#dick wants so badly to be bruce's equal and an adult and a leader and someone trusted by others#but those are all things easier said than done. and the worst tragedy of it is that the bruce dick knows from childhood#is not the bruce he knows in adulthood. they are from the same person. but they are still different#because there are things dick is allowed to see as an adult that bruce spared him from when he was a child#and on one hand that was the right thing to do. but on the other hand it's devastating. because dick obv doesn't know how to cope#how do you cope with the fact that your decade-long idol is not in fact what you made him up to be#(and the thing is it's not that bruce isn't what dick made him up to be) (it's that he's also other things)#(he's sad. he's guilty. he's exhausted. sometimes he doesn't know how to go on)#reconciling with those realities should be unbearable for dick. because being robin has given him so much purpose#and while being batman gives bruce purpose too there are also so many times where he absolutely bends under the weight of it#and that sight should be frightening to dick#that's why i really like knightfall. or the potential of it because i mean prodigal did not deal with the aftermath of it#in a way that i liked at all. it was quite underwhelming#and then you guys obv know my issues with the framing of dick's reaction to jason's death and his conversation with bruce there#but the idea of dick needing to cope with bruce being a human capable of breaking under his own imposed duties is impt#and so my reading of their relationship is less about things written explicitly in text and more about drawing logical inferences#idk. i feel like i am all over the place i'm not sure if this sufficiently answers your question i'm sorryjgfkldghf#outbox
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hi everyone I miss you 🥺
#work has been so fucking overwhelming lately :((( had to report this Incident to HR now im waiting for them to talk to me#and im thinking something more serious might happen to the guy i made the report about cause he has other complaints#that are all quite serious#and i keep feeling really guilty cause i think it might lead to him getting fired but also#bro said multiple slurs AT WORK and then defended why he should be allowed to say them and he 'does it all the time' outside of work#so yeah fuck you dude. hope you get fucking fired.#i just hate that i had to be the one to say something cause now im like well. hes gonna know it was me. cause it happened twice#and the first time i was the only other person in the room other than his gf and obviously she doesnt care so she wouldnt say shit#and he has way more friends there than me so if he DOES get fired i have a feeling theyd all find out#which almost made me not say anything cause i really fucking like my job and i dont want it to become a hostile environment#but like ? bro defended himself for like 15 whole minutes about how much he doesnt give a fuck#so guess what dude ! i dont give a fuck either !#im hoping next week this gets resolved and i can be less stressed and come on here a bit more i miss looking at Images :(((#been missing all my friends' gifs and edits !!!! need to be more chronically online !!!! STAT !#i will catch up on my tag soon i prommy <33333333333#j.txt
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how i feel knowing i've spent the last 6 months convincing myself that he likes me even though it could not be clearer to me now that he absolutely does not
#i'm not even upset i'm more just annoyed i've spent so much time and energy on#being nice to him and supporting him and getting into his interests and hanging out w him#and not only does he not like me but he can't even treat me nicely#like he's actively hostile and aggressive with me#who else remember when he said he loves me ridiculously. who else remember when he told me#a list of all the reasons he used to have a crush on me without me asking#who remember when he used to walk across rooms past everyone else to come talk to me#and once did it about 10 times in a rehearsal#fuck my life. i can't believe this is where this has gone lmao#it's like. i don't think he's a bad person and i do think he loves me and cares about me#he would not spend... 11 hours at my house if he did not#but he does not behave in a way that makes me feel loved and cared for and i think that matters#if it was my choice i would probably choose not to be friends with him anymore#but at this point he has told me so much and sees our relationship as so intimate and vulnerable#that i don't think i can end the friendship without deeply upsetting him#lol. this is why i need to go missing but like consensually#i need to go somewhere for a year and live my best life and not have to worry about#being guilty about ghosting people or not talking to them. lol#okay. well whatever i'm quite upset and bummed out and don't know what to do#but tbh it's worth putting up w him being mean to me to get his lore bc i love studying him like a bug.#so yenno what i have nothing to complain about actually#maia.txt
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"I can't leave, Maria."
"... I understand."
#outer range s2#outer range s2 spoilers#outer range 02x02#maria olivares#isabel arraiza#big turning point for her character because up until now it's been leaving#and as isa puts it she's only fallen even deeper in love with rhett so now he's a part of her dream and she can't leave him...#i was more than a little heartbroken for her but also proud of her for being understanding and willing to compromise#thad reston count your days because i better not see you breathing >:( /j#idk if we'll be seeing much smiling from her anytime soon :(#honestly if maria walked towards me the way she walked towards rhett in that scene i would think she's coming in for a kiss#and i would NOT object#why would i reject a kiss from a beautiful woman?#i wonder if rhett told her about his and perry's fight because if that's the case she has a bit more reason to be worried about rhett being#i think she might've smiled at the white cat in levon's arms when she said “'so sweet of you to do that for us'' so i think she likes cats#i mean... she was supposed to be a vet before she dropped out i think?#honestly the best she's looked all season(besides the bed scene in 02x03)#i think her not actually saying perry's name is because he seemed to want to create distance between him and his family...#i feel like you can see the moment she decides to put rhett's feelings above her own#she knows that he's broken up about amy and maybe feeling guilty about it and wants to be there for him#probably because he is the type of person to put other people's needs above his own? and she wants to do the same for him?#god her eyes watering just breaks me...
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#haven't had energy to log into here because my work has been kicking my ass i'm spending half of my day off laying in bed#i fell asleep yesterday after my 2nd shift in my clothes with no blanket and woke up freezing at 7 am 🤧#i layed on the bed for 5 mins just to regain strenght to do a few things before bed yedterday and got knocked out by the exhaustion 😭#these 2 shifts were particularly hard and i think it had also to do with my coworker suggesting the dumbest thing imo#the dude wanted me to give my WHOLE november shifts to him like...WTF#he said he needed a sum of money for december and like helloo..#what do you think i am doing here?? don't i need money??#i'd understand if he'd ask for a shift or two but whole fucking month the sheer audacity..#i've struggled so much mentally to ge to this point and to be able to get this job even if it's not in my professional field#and it's physically demanding very much and so many other cons#but i've got it and i was happy i got it and to think some stranger thinks#he's more entitled to it than someone else like ??? it's just bizzare to me#he seemed such a chill person before he asked this#and i've spent last 2 work days feeling guilty for protecting my boundaries...#but everybody around me says i did the right thing so i am trying to not stress about it anymore#and i was afraid this would ruin the good work relationship i thought we established but idk anymore#i will be very cautious about him now#tbd
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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happy chaos is the test for if you are able to understand gg. If you watched xrd and upon watching strive, you think happy chaos is just a pretentious weirdo talking out of his ass and a bad character, then you failed the test
#guilty gear#i dont usually vaguepost but i keep seeing people like this and theyre really annoying#hc takes the series topics of subjectivity and individual human experiences to the extreme#every person has their own world in a sense and their own view of that world#this is a recurring concept in gg#while in a sense this means that no one person has an inherently more correct worldview than another#it doesnt mean that morals dont matter#its not possible to view every single persons world at once#people arent meant to do that anyway. thats what happy chaos is about#viewing every single persons world makes it so he doesn't have a view of the world anymore! thats what hc is about!#he is the series concepts taken to a harmful extreme. but ultimately built off the same concepts as the heroes#listen to find your one way again and tell me that isnt the case#thats why happy chaos works so well as a villain!! and its very much needed!#like. god. i get its a complicated subject but when you dont even SEE what it is#and then say its bad when you're unable to even recognize whats being said and therefore judge it properly#youre just making a fool of yourself good lord#why be so confident in its inadequacy#and say you could do it better when you dont even have a clue what youre looking at?? i dont get it. i really don't#soup speaks
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in about 5 sessions with my therapist we went from "you can't possibly be autistic because you're not like the nonverbal high support needs teenage boys i worked with in the early 2000s," to me digging up my childhood psychological records from the early 2000s and convincing her, to her presenting my case to her supervisor and her supervisor being like "yeah you had an undiagnosed autistic client on your hands and she needs to be transferred to someone qualified to handle that" lmao
#text#only reason i stuck with her after figuring it out is bc my psychiatrist works at the same practice and he *is* qualified lol#that said i don't think she was being malicious abt this. like i would be more angry at her if she *still* refused to believe me#after all the evidence i dug up#only thing she's guilty of is not keeping up with the research in this particular subfield of her field#which; in fairness; is no longer her specialty#aughhhh i'm gonna have to do so much processing about how the '''''g1fted''''' label shot me in the foot so many times tho#with so many professionals who insisted i couldn't possibly be having any associated difficulties bc of it#(not to mention the societal narrative that ex-''g1fted'' kids are just privileged (fair) and whining about fake problems (not fair))#and set me up for so much systemic abuse that i can't even be mad at a single person for bc they all thought they were doing their best#but the good news is i can process that with New Therapist lol!
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approaching the end of beau is afraid i kept thinking. how do i want this to resolve? i want beau to get a happy ending :( but nothing has given him the faculties to narratively earn that... i guess I'll go watch utena again if i want a story about abuse with a happy ending
#mixed feelings about the utility of that final scene bc on the one hand#yes this is very plainly the metaphor these victims make#about feeling literally persecuted. about guilt for small things no reasonable person should be made to feel guilty for#about TRYING to argue against the cop in their head#but feeling hopelessly unable to#knowing the accusations are unreasonable but not having the tools or the confidence to believe that#i liked that plainness of it. but on the other hand#nothing was said in that final scene that couldnt be understood from the rest of the movie#explored in much more interesting ways#myaa
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I’m so glad my exams are finally over bc I can at last cut my long term friends off since I have so much free time now.
#people think that I will ALWAYS be there simply because I tolerate how much they use me for their therapy and never even ask if I’m ok when#it’s sooooo obvious I somehow seem to always get progressively worse in terms of physical and mental health#and so ! because of my MH I haven’t been able to talk to most people at all#like I’d get a panic attack at the thought and I’d just have to close the app and just calm myself down#and my heart … it would hurt so bad from how my anxiety which already makes me gag uncontrollable and jolt awake from how violently I’m#trembling somehow my heart started to hurt so bad to the point I felt I was going to die soon#so I genuinelyyyyy couldn’t even talk to anyone#I’ve always wondered that if I stopped texting first if people would even notice#these past six months proved that no they wouldn’t#even the person I’ve been friends with for 8 years btw didn’t care#we used to talk daily#when she was in hospital I always checked up on her more than anyone even tho I couldn’t visit the hospital I’d always send her messages and#try to yk help to my capacity and stuff#but she had replaced me by another girl kinda and she stopped talking to me after I stopped talking first bc of my health issues#and the saddest part is that barely anyone out of all the people I’ve tried to befriend ever spoke to me anymore#this has been one of the loneliest periods of my life-the fact that I am useless apart from temporary entertainment and a person to waste#time with ? in fact I’m barely considered for these options in general#anyways so !!! I just gave up ! beforeeven the thought of cutting someone off I’d need to genuinely be held at gun point for someone to make#me cut off a bad person but now although I’m quite stressed still I’m lowkey ok with cutting off ppl#just bc of how absolutely horribly I’ve been abused and treated by all of them#sorry for being annoying I just needed somewhere to note this down I HATE being negative but all my life is negativity no matter how much I#distract myself with the very very few things I like (I only kinda like on thing here now … and even that I’m forcing myself to like it a#little …) so yeah I always feel guilty for saying these things and making these posts nobody has any idea how bad the guilt is but what else#can I do ? I don’t know …#like I have only ever confronted people TWICE my whole life not bc I’ve not been abused I’ve actually been really badly taken advantage of#consistently and without fail at every stage of my life but I don’t say anything bc I’m worried they’ll get upset#the reasons I ever said anything at the end is bc those ppl made me so suicidal more than usual and yeah … I Can cut them off right?#whatever whatever it doesn’t matter now my existence amongst them isn’t liked it seems anyways so why would they care if I left ?
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Some of people on here don’t know i used to be toastyyghostie/ghostalope on here and this is a different acc of mine lol. It kinda freaks me out a bit. I wasn’t exactly ‘put together’ when i went by those usernames, i guess.
#Like i wasn’t my best back then. For a myriad of regretful reasons.#Idk if i’m worse mentally than i was when i was 17/18 but I’m less hurtful and i feel like that’s better overall#I don’t like what i was back then. It makes me feel guilty if ppl who were around then don’t know that i used to be that-#And then they follow me#I feel so much guilt for that. So much of it wasn’t my fault - i didn’t do what ppl said i did. But i also wasn’t blameless.#I fucked up#The person i was when i was being abused and unaware of my bpd sits in my body like a really heavy ghost#I never know where to put it. I need to write more.#Whatever
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In a pokemon au, you KNOW Kae is the sort to have his team out and about havin fun.
But most definitely babeys TF outta his Vulpix/Ninetails
#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//In my minds eyes#//He and Luc have Ninetails matching each other’s element#//Kae has the normal one; Luc has an Alolan one#//Deffo got em as Vulpix: Luc wanting the regular fire type for his own team#//And Kae got the alt form bc Luc thought it’d go nice with Kae’s eyes#//But when they met em; Kae absolutely planted the idea in Luc’s head to swap em#//So they could always have reminders of each other in their respective teams#//Front the day they fought; Kae clung so tight to his Vulpix then Ninetails#//It’s what he has to remember Luc by; the way he was before. Kae’s treasured memento of happier times#//Ninetails is deffo his fave but he does still love to them all evenly#//What kinda team would he have tho HMMM#//Deffo would have Traveler/challengers pass along a message to post battles/encounters lmao#//‘Stop by the Angels Share; tell the master to not push himself so hard. and for free drinks; don’t forget to mention Kaeya sent you~’#<-knows Damn Well it’s actually gonna have Luc make a FACE that’ll likely scare the person before the man can get his composure back lol#//He does it for the sillys of it all#//Also so he knows Luc will never forget him; esp when apart <-Luc damn well ain’t EVER gonna as is; he too wishes to reconcile so badly#//BUT WILL THEY TALK?#//ABSOLUTELY NOT (that is for the side missions jfbfb)#//I forgot I also write Luc jdbdb. ANYWHO#//Luc actually got a little distant to his Ninetails when he and Kae split ways. The memories it held were much too painful#//Didnt stop it from fussing over him; which made him guilty each and every time. But he always let it anyways#//Could never bring himself to refuse it; the way his younger self always gave into any of Kae’s whims (not that he ever asked for much)#//I think there’s always smth poetic to be said abt Kae getting the Ninetails that is obsessive & more vindictive#//Vs Luc getting the ruthless/territorial protector yet otherwise gentler one
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we're going to have our own safe home again and then we can process the. aughh
#i kind of forget how much that bothered me. why did i have to reach out#make up your mind. dont you hate him??? didnt he hurt you too???? why won't you look at me. why wont you think about.#the implications. why did nobody ever think to worry about me#every person in his life who he hurt knew i existed i was right there the whole time and none of them ever stopped to wonder#if i was ok. none of them thought the things he woukd say or do IN FRONT OF THEM were signs of anything bad#my telling her i am there to talk and she still sees me as a child and assumes i cant have an adult conversation abt him.#but apparently seeing me as a child doesnt extend to bothering to protect me from him.#she knew. they all knew. i said it to their faces . fucking so many cries for help but im just a spoiled brat#one of them said i had him wrapped around my finger. haha#i was nine years old... and that was during the worst of it too. in the apartment w him. i was so scared all the time#was i really that invisible or did nobody want to bother to look?#after everything he did to all those women and girls not a single one of them ever considered his daughter.#man like that but sure he must be a great dad. because he says he is idk. because he loves me so much and they can all tell#he traps me and i cant turn to anyone. nobody notices. nobody acknowledges.#i feel guilty for reaching out TO HIS EX GIRLFRIEND and asking if she wanted to talk about being abused that i was here. to talk.#and what. she turned around and told him??? she ignored me??????#she full well knows. she must. he abused her and injured her more badly than he did me#even though he compared what happened with her and what happened with me#. even then. she must have at least wondered if he hurt me too right.#but she never did bother. nobody ever bothered to wonder about me.#why should i feel guilty for reaching out to HER as an adult asking if SHE is okay.#maybe she should have tried even a little bit when i was a kid and i needed help.
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Anxiety riddled today :/
#personal#still showing no symptoms after my night of being irresponsible and unmasking among large crowds of people :(((#so we'll see#but also I scheduled a covid shot for Thursday so if I did get it then I'll know the day before my shot and will have to cancel#which sucks bc August is the last time the shot is free to uninsured people/etc.???#so I'd miss that deadline if I got anything bc I'd have to recover#that and I know it's done and the night is over but I feel bad about cutting the line with a big group of people for getting into a bar/club#yesterday night :((( mostly bc one of my friends almost got into a fight with a woman that we cut in front of so that made me sooooo anxious#I'm such a little goodie two shoes omfggg kill me#that and I'm so anxious about my one night Monday class#mostly bc I heard the professor will be tough on us and I just don't want to DO anything anymore#I'm burnt out scoob#that and I'm worried about not being around for when a package is supposedly supposed to arrive in the next week and it being stolen#idk IDK#I'm just feeling guilty and anxious bc I like to WORRY#it's late though I need to sleep#ALSO THOUGH I'm worried about the side effects of the covid vaccine if things go as planned and I can get it okay on Thursday#bc I'm worried about needing to miss class or a meeting that will probably be scheduled from said class(es) mentioned before#just...a lot to worry about...much to think about... :(((((#ALSO THERE'S MORE TO WORRY ABOUT but I'm tired and this is long already so I'll stop listing things I'm anxious about tonight
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