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we're going to have our own safe home again and then we can process the. aughh
#not even lisa rn just using her blog . um#i kind of forget how much that bothered me. why did i have to reach out#make up your mind. dont you hate him??? didnt he hurt you too???? why won't you look at me. why wont you think about.#the implications. why did nobody ever think to worry about me#every person in his life who he hurt knew i existed i was right there the whole time and none of them ever stopped to wonder#if i was ok. none of them thought the things he woukd say or do IN FRONT OF THEM were signs of anything bad#my telling her i am there to talk and she still sees me as a child and assumes i cant have an adult conversation abt him.#but apparently seeing me as a child doesnt extend to bothering to protect me from him.#she knew. they all knew. i said it to their faces . fucking so many cries for help but im just a spoiled brat#one of them said i had him wrapped around my finger. haha#i was nine years old... and that was during the worst of it too. in the apartment w him. i was so scared all the time#was i really that invisible or did nobody want to bother to look?#after everything he did to all those women and girls not a single one of them ever considered his daughter.#man like that but sure he must be a great dad. because he says he is idk. because he loves me so much and they can all tell#he traps me and i cant turn to anyone. nobody notices. nobody acknowledges.#i feel guilty for reaching out TO HIS EX GIRLFRIEND and asking if she wanted to talk about being abused that i was here. to talk.#and what. she turned around and told him??? she ignored me??????#she full well knows. she must. he abused her and injured her more badly than he did me#even though he compared what happened with her and what happened with me#. even then. she must have at least wondered if he hurt me too right.#but she never did bother. nobody ever bothered to wonder about me.#why should i feel guilty for reaching out to HER as an adult asking if SHE is okay.#maybe she should have tried even a little bit when i was a kid and i needed help.
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we havent posted here in a while but i need somewhere to unpack all this i'll check back in a little to see if i still feel it maybe i wont
#so complicated WHY do i care what he feels why do i care at all i KNOW what hes like and i know what hes done so why do i feel so guilty#why do i feel guilty running away why do i feel guilty relying on him why do i feel guilty being nice to him why do i feel guilty ignoring#him why do i feel guilty betraying him why do i feel guilty loving him why cant i win in any way. why cant i even admit what he is or what#he did. i know it as a factual instance and yet it IS NOT REAL#if i try to understand it in relation to myself i cannot understand it even a little. its not the same. i dont knwo . will i ever understand
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it should be a good thing that i don't feel like myself and i should be grateful that i have this life so whats so wrong with me that i can't grasp it. its so unusual everything around me. i dont like that theyre trying to cheer me up or make me happy either. i didnt achieve anything i just ended up here. i dont want to look at your gifts for me . your flowers or charms. and i don't want to go home. where do i even want to be?
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